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litsenn · 1 month ago

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Hi, I hope it's alright to ask your thoughts on something about Astarion. I just think your posts always show a very deep understanding of Astarion as a character, especially in regards to his complicated views on sex and intimacy, and I really appreciate and respect your analyses. I'm only on my second playthrough, so I like to hear from people who have played a lot more than I have.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Astarion’s state of mind in the first sex scene in act one (I'm currently writing about it). The more I think about it, his experience seems to be a very complex mixture of both positive and negative that exist simultaneously. These are just some of my current personal thoughts (all of this in the context of the PC being someone who treats him well and is generally a good person):

This is the first time he's getting to have sex on his own terms in 200 years, and that's probably liberating, in a slightly terrified and overwhelmed way. He is likely trying to convince himself that he feels more empowered and in-control than he actually does, because he needs that feeling.

He knows the PC better than he ever knew any of his past targets, but he doesn’t yet believe that they truly care about him, either.

The sex ends up meaning more to him than he thought it would, but I also imagine it isn't exactly enjoyable for him, given his dissociation, feelings of disgust, and the fact that this was all just supposed to be an act.

He is also probably struggling to reconcile the fact that he’s growing to genuinely like the PC with his belief that they are fetishizing him (this also connects with your incredible post about Astarion’s feelings about feeding on the PC at this point, and how biting during sex can be enjoyable for him, though still uncomfortable in that he views it as transactional)

He feels like his performance here is important to his survival, because in his mind he is using sex as currency to get the PC on his side. The transactional nature of it is probably comfortable in its familiarity, yet no less disgusting for him.

So what I’m ultimately trying to ask is:

In your opinion, how much of this experience feels positive to him vs negative?

Which of the feelings mentioned above do you think are at the forefront of his mind going into the encounter? Which ones “win out” over others? Are there more factors I forgot / didn’t list?

(I hope I made this sound somewhat coherent. I’ve had a hard time articulating my thoughts about this scene.)

First of all, thank you so much for your kind words 😭 I’m always very touched when people say they enjoy reading my stuff. I don’t know if my understanding of the character is so relevant, all I can say is that I relate to him on many levels, and therefore I analyse him from my personal perspective. Which also means that my posts are just one interpretation among many others.

Now, concerning this scene, there’s a lot to unpack. And I first have to say that there is no clear answer to the question "Did he enjoy it or not?". IMO, it will always be yes and no. And I'm only offering a personal analysis of this ambivalent situation.

Proceed at your own discretion because I’m going to talk about trauma, SA, sex-work and complicated relations to sex in general. Be careful.

Please, keep in mind that al of this is pure speculation (and forgive the typos😅)(and this post is long and chaotic, sorry).

I globally agree with all your points, and I love that you mentioned the complexity of his feelings during this scene. We can all agree that he has contradictive feelings about sex in Act 1. It's not just disgust, not just hedonism, not just attraction, not just manipulation: it's all of this and more.

And that’s one of the things I love about the writing of this character.

Sex is always complex (for everyone) but for survivors it’s even more complicated. And I love that Astarion’s narrative stands against the “perfect victim” tropes and the idea that SA survivors are incapable of enjoying sex. Despite the decades of SA, Astarion still enjoys it and wants it, but his desire is tainted with self-loathing, with fear. He deals with those through defence mechanisms and what I’d call “automatisms” from his former experiences and obligations.

That's why before I answer your questions, I want to add one point which can also work as a foreword to the rest of the post: Astarion is attracted to the PC.

He says it during the confession scene, and there's no reason for him to lie at this point. Likewise, if the PC tells him they can be together without having sex, he's indeed relieved, pleasantly surprised, but he jests about it being a challenge.

I think there's some truth in those words: it will be somehow challenging. First because sex is the only kind of intimacy he's known for 200 years; it's will be difficult to "quit the habit", to discover and get used to new ways to get close to someone. Secondly, because he does find the PC attractive and probably wants to be able to have sex with them without feeling bad about it.

After all, it seems like he enjoyed sex very much before Cazador turned him, since at the beginning, he thought he could still enjoy having sex with his targets.

Meaning sex wasn’t something that disgusted him before all this. He might be able to remember (deep down) that sex can be 100% enjoyable.

Yet, it doesn’t necessarily means he’s now incapable of enjoying it; it only means that it’s going to be more complicated. He needs to rediscover how to fully enjoy it again – on his own terms – now that he’s free to give his consent.

Take the brothel scene for instance; if the PC has sex with Astarion and the Drow twins after dealing with Cazador, he's at first very excited about it. And I don't see any lie here, he's genuinely enthusiastic.

Unfortunately, during the orgy, he realises that it’s not for him ( not yet at least). Being with many people, and/or with someone that is not the PC is still an experience that triggers his trauma. But he didn't know that, he wasn't expecting his trauma to manifest. He wanted to do it, he wanted to enjoy it.

Not only he falls back into his old mechanism: sex as a performance, Astarion as an entertainer who must give the best performance to his partners, paying no attention to his own desire and needs. Followed by dissociation, which is something that happen automatically. You don't decide to dissociate. It's your brain switching off because the reality is too uncomfortable. It's survival.

Anyways, this bad experience is typical of what can happen to someone who's healing. It's normal. You want to explore your sexuality, and sometimes it works perfectly well, and sometimes not. That’s what healing is about. It's not linear, and sometimes it's messy.

It is true that some SA survivors are perpetually sex revulsed. And some of them become sex-addicts. And for most of them, it’s somewhere in-between. Still capable of enjoying sex VERY MUCH, but also finding themselves disgusted by sex sometimes for reasons they can’t really explain. There’s no rule as to how survivors experience sexual attraction.

All of this to say that it is clear to me that Astarion experience sexual attraction, that he is attracted to the PC and that even in Act 1, an important part of him wants to have sex with the PC.

Back to your points.

Control, habits and defence mechanisms

I like how you said he “is likely trying to convince himself that he feels more empowered and in-control than he actually does, because he needs that feeling.”

There’s definitely something in his mind that still thinks as a slave, something which believes that he must have sex to be safe. Because it was the case for as long as he can remember.

Seducing people, sleeping with them without thinking about his own needs, that's part of his habitus. His body has been a tool for so long that he still sees it as such.

It’s ingrained in his mind, and even if he’s regaining his agency, some of the seeds planted by Cazador persist in his mind (and will until the Act 2 confession). Astarion says it himself, it's instinctive. And as you put it, it's somehow comfortable, it's charted territories.

A part of him tells him his only value relies on his sexual skills. Therefore he associates sex to a “safety net”. But he probably hasn’t acknowledged that yet in act 1; he prefers to lie to himself and to pretend he’s sleeping with the PC because he has become the puppet master. It's easier to think that way. But in fact, it was just a automatism, his survival instinct. So even if he’s really attracted to the PC, Astarion is still driven by fear and by a need to control how the PC feels about him (precisely because he's so afraid to lose control over the situation). And sex is the perfect tool for that. His body is the perfect tool.

[I can recall a few numbers of times when I had sex with people while lying to myself and pretending I 100% wanted it, pretending I was the one in control, when in fact, I had sex with those persons for reasons that had nothing to do with my own desire. It doesn't mean I didn't find them attractive, it doesn't mean I regret having sex with them, but it still means that my motivations weren’t what I thought they were, that my decision to have sex was still controlled by something else in my mind, something different from my actual desire. I acknowledged it months and sometimes years later.]

When Astarion welcomes the PC in the clearing, he’s performing. When I say he’s performing, I mean in the way he presents himself as as a person craving for sex, and he expresses his desire as such. He puts on the mask of the “mysterious sexy vampire”, keeping his voice low and his smirk sharp. He plays his part, the one he's played for years. He pretends to be the lover he thinks the PC wants him to be, the overly seductive vampire with his exaggerated declarations.

I think there are several ways to explain why he feels the need to perform:

It has always worked with his target up to now

That's the only way he knows

The exaggeration is also a shield behind which he can hide his vulnerabilities

Let me explain that last point : Saying a simple “I’m attracted to you, I want to be with you tonight”, without all the grandiloquence, is not something he would do at this point (even if that's how he feels), because that would make him look vulnerable. That would mean being honest with himself and with you, letting you see his raw desire, so to speak. It would feel too real (I purposely insist on that word and you all know why), and it's easier to exaggerate the whole thing and to pretend to be the hedonistic and over-the-top vampire. After all, he’s confident, he’s been doing that for years. He knows it works. He knows he’s hard to resist.

But when you think about it, he's obviously lying, saying he wanted this to happen since his first meeting with the PC... Come on, the first time they met he was ready to kill them.

It's a lovely lie, just like the "I love you" during his second proposition for sex (I talked about it here), but when you look into it, it's far grimmer.

Once more, there's a parallel between sex and death: "to have you"= Killing you. I already talked about that connection here, so I'll just quote myself: "It's possible to see Astarion's offer to kill you as a foreshadowing of him offering you to have sex with you. And considering what sex means to him at this point of his life - a tool to manipulate, which can lead to his partners to death - the parallel between the two in early act 1 makes a lot of sense to me."

But oh! µTav/Durge survived that first night with him! The PC is still here in the morning! That's new! It never happened to him before, waking up next to his partner. He needs to control this unusual and terrifying experience! Quick!

So I tend to think that the little remark about the PC being loud all night falls along those lines. He displays his (exaggerated) hedonistic and over-confident part of his persona, as a way to reassert that he’s the one in control. As if saying, reminding them: "I made you (the leader of the group) scream all night because I decided to, and everybody knows about it. I’m the one calling the shots.”

But I think it's also as way to hide how he really feels about that night. So instead of opening up and saying how he feels about it, he teases the PC about their own enjoyment. Another defence mechanism.

And yet, the mask cracks a little bit when he asks if the PC wants to lose themselves in him; he suddenly looks terribly sad…

he asks for a consent he was never able to give before that

That’s probably a line he’s said thousands of times before and those who agreed did get lost… in death

It brings him back to the feeling of being a toy for others to enjoy, for people to use so they can "lose themselves"

The look on his face here is what he's trying to hide during this scene. He's wearing that mask (which will come back later if you ascend him), because he needs to protect himself. I'm not even sure if he acknowledges it at this point. It's an automatism.

But I believe that, as the night unfolds, he finds himself enjoying it.

Maybe it's just me, but I tend to feel like he’s getting more like his playful and silly self when you let him bite you. Whereas if you trust him to not bite, he keeps on performing, in control, like he was told to do by Cazador.

If you let him bite you, you roll on the ground and he looks pleasantly surprised. And I think he starts to have fun here.

(Shadowheart, please)

And I think he can enjoy it even if he dissociates. As I said, the switch is automatic when the brain finds itself in a situation that represents some kind of danger or discomfort. For two hundred years, Astarion experienced sex in a way that was all but comfortable, sex he didn’t really want. It makes sense that his brain automatically switches off. Even though he’s having a good time here, intimacy itself is a trigger, no matter how much he's enjoying it. It’s instinctive, just like flirting is instinctive to him, paradoxically.

And I find the way he explains it quite interesting: he pretends it’s because of his bloodlust, because he didn't want to get carried away.

You see in his eyes that he’s lying. And I kinda like it because it’s sooo relatable. Finding excuses to justify dissociation or plain detachment during sex? yeah, that something I did, with answers along those lines: “I didn’t want to hurt you/I didn’t want to be too intense/I didn’t want to be too loud/I didn't want to scare you/I'm a little tired/etc."

And I still think he enjoys it even if he’s not 100% into it. He keeps his distance (mentally, emotionally) and it’s normal because he’s careful, because he doesn’t really know how to let go. And (healthy, happy) sex is about letting go completely, it‘s about trusting someone and allowing yourself to be completely free from your mental and physical restrains and automatisms.

It’s easy to understand why he can’t fully let go: he’s afraid, because he’s not 100% sure he can enjoy this, because he doesn't know how the PC will behave, and because he must be in control to feel safe.

His body knows how it works, so he lets his body act automatically, that body which have danced the same dance thousands of time. He doesn’t have to think and it’s easier not to think. Easier and apparently safer than following his true desires. Here again, it's an automatism: his body knows, he can switch his mind off, protecting it from potential bad memories, protecting him from his own desire and feelings, protecting him from the temptation of being himself.

He can’t let go, he has to be in control. if only to make sure he will offer his partner the best performance. Even if he's enjoying the moment because the PC is respectful, playful, gentle or whatever you imagine for this first night, he can't let go.

As you said, he’s convinced the PC is only here for his looks – But think about it: Astarion himself never offered anything other than sex, he didn’t pretend he was in love with the PC. He only offered his body. By doing so, he's also protecting himself from potential feelings (theirs or his) of attachment and affection.

It's like saying “Don’t get attached to me. It’s just SEX”. He pulls up his own walls to keep the PC outside. It's another contradiction: he suffers from being seen as a beautiful and shallow individual who’s only good for sex, but he says upfront that he won’t give more than sex. He keeps the PC away (emotionally) while suffering from it. That’s another defence mechanism, combined with the fact that he probably still sees himself as a "mean to an end" (unconsciously), unable to see that he can be someone else than the "hedonistic and heartless vampire."

Besides, it's probable that he doesn’t believe it’s even possible for anyone to care about him. So he anticipates a potential emotional disappointment by saying that it’s only sex, convincing himself as much as to convince the PC that there’s nothing more to expect from it.

Positive/negative experience

You asked how much of this experience feels positive to him vs negative. Let's recap.

Positive feelings:

Excitement (first time having sex on his own terms + he’s attracted to the PC)

Physical pleasure (sex + blood if the PC lets him bite them)

Fun

A sense of freedom

Relief and a sense of pride (they fell into his trap)

A newfound affection (they trust him, they respect him)

Good surprise (he can still have fun while having sex!)

The PC being who they are (more about this later)

Negative feelings:

A sense of obligation

Fear

PTSD

The need to perform and make sure they enjoy it

Habits that make him serve instead of just enjoy the moment

Guilt

Shame

Confusion

Disgust

Feeling of being used (even if the PC isn't exactly "using him"; they accept his offer and they're not to be blamed for it)

One could think that the negative feelings are more important, and true, those bad feelings can be destructive. But I don’t think the unbalance is so evident, maybe because the positive feelings are all completely new to him, therefore they may be particularly powerful.

But in fact, they're all entangled and messy, and I believe Astarion himself can’t really make sense of them.

And later, he sums it up all on his own.

What we know, is that a few days later, he remembers that night as a good experience. And exceptionally good experience.

And tbh I think that’s what matters: What he makes of this night, how he digests and, remembers it, and how he looks back at it. It was special. Special enough for him to admit it.

He admits it feels different with you, it feels good with you -- but he can't yet get rid of the negative feelings sneaking in the back of his mind, ruining what should be a lovely moment.

As for the main feeling at the forefront of his mind… I don’t think it would be one feeling, but more a motivation: “I must stay in control” (whether he succeeded is up to discussion). In the end, I think he manages to suppress his main fears, to keep a certain distance, while at the same time finding himself surprised to be enjoying it.

Questionable motivations and enjoyment

As a SA survivor myself and a former sex-worker, there are so many things that fall close to home both in terms of ptsd, of performance and habitus. I perfectly see how desire, obligations, attraction and disgust can mingle until they become difficult to set apart. {Mind you, I’m not saying that sex-work and sex-abuse are one and the same, far from it. One can be a sex-worker and have never been abused].

In the case of Astarion, he’s first and foremost a survivor, and even if he compares himself to a prostitute a few times, he had no choice in doing it. Therefore, it's not sex-work, it’s human trafficking.

Yet, it's still transactional, and just like a sex-worker, he had to perform, to let the partner(/client) believe that he wanted them, that he wanted it, that he was enjoying it, even when it wasn’t the case. Remember how he made Sebastian believe he was head over heels for him.

During the first night with the PC, Astarion decides to have sex without anyone forcing him to do it. But he doesn’t do it out of sheer lust and attraction. He does it because he wants to keep himself safe and he thinks that’s the only way. Which is, imo, closer to what a sex-worker would do: having sex for money because they need that money to pay the rent or whatever they need to survive. No one is forcing them, except the material conditions and (in Astarion’s case at least) cognitive bias (the belief that he’s “only good at that”) + long terms habits.

And just like a SW, he has to make them believe that he's totally into it (believe me, client don't enjoy it as much if the SW doesn't pretend to be attracted to them).

Look at him, he’s performing. He's said those lines multiples times before. Even the movement of his hand: it’s theatrical. It’s planned and calculated.

This too is instinctive. He's done that for years and he is good at it.

Look at the shift, look how easy it is for him to put on a smiling face to "open a lot of doors" (and legs).

And after pretending to be attracted to those persons, he had to pretend sleeping with them didn't affect him. That too falls close to home.

That line in particular. SO FUCKING RELATABLE IT HURTS.

In my experience, there had been bad experiences. But you go on, because you need to. And to protect your own sanity, you stick to the idea that it's fine, that you can do that again. That it doesn't matter.

But it does matter.

And yet....

In the case of SW (which should always be consensual), being with a client can be a nice experience. Some clients are attractive, some clients are very sweet and respectful, some clients are very good fucks, some clients are all of this (and some clients are bastards but we’re not talking about them here). In any case, they are still clients. As a SW, I didn’t see them as potential ‘real’ lovers, and I wouldn’t have considered sleeping with them in any other situation. It doesn’t mean the experience was bad. I had genuine O with some clients and really enjoyed the company of some of them.

It seems contradictory, but it's real.

Back to Astarion: at the beginning of the meeting it ultimately starts with a performance, like the SW pretending they really want it (whereas they're only do it for money), but it might turn into a really good moment for everyone involved.

And IMO, that's more or less what's happening here with Astarion.

It's a tricky thing to explain because I really don’t want to look like I’m promoting forcing anyone to do anything. Sex should ALWAYS happen in a situation in which all the persons involved are 100% sure they want to do it, and 100% sure their partner(s) want to do it.

But there are exceptional situations (such as sex-work or what Astarion’s going through here, and I can think of other cases), where sex remains enjoyable even if the original motivations weren’t that clear. It’s not fully incompatible. Clearly, that’s NOT a healthy way to deal with your sexuality!!! But it can happen. And the main point here is that it still relies on consent. The person fully consents to do it, but they do it for “questionable” reasons (whether they acknowledge it or not), and they enjoy it in spite of having questionable reasons to do it. It can happen.

I think that’s what happens to Astarion at this point.

(That being said, I repeat it: ALWAYS make sure your partner is fully into it, and NEVER force yourself to have sex if you’re not 100% sure you want it!)

From a transaction to something else

It’s interesting to notice that if the PC refuses to have sex with him in the clearing, he doesn’t really seem to care.

He’s probably disappointed because his plan failed, but his reaction is very different from the reaction you get if the PC rejects him after the first night (my post on this matter here) when he seems really sad to be rejected. It means, I think, that this first night was REALLY meaningful – his heartfelt reaction to your rejection to spend another night together makes it clear. That first night was special since his reaction to your refusal is so very different.

In any case, if the PC refuses during that first night, he says he thought you had an “understanding", and it somehow evokes me something like a transaction (as you rightly mentioned in your message).

And it's not the first time he compares sex with the PC to a transaction. The first time he offers them to sleep with him, he presents it as a reward for letting him bite the PC. It's transactional: You let me feed, I give you sex.

He thinks that’s what sex is about. He has never known anything else, or maybe he did a long time ago but can’t remember.

I wrote that long post about how feeding him can be quite problematic given how he might see it as a transaction (here and here): Offering the the vampire bite kink in order to be fed and survive. It’s the same here.

He knows the PC enjoyed being bitten, he’s convinced they're attracted to him, and by being the one who gives "a reward", he presents himself in a position of control. I “allow” you to have sex with me, since you want it so much: I’m the one making that decision, having more power over you.

After all, in his mind at this point, sex is a question of power. (And if he ascends he undeniably falls back into that pattern; treating sex as a reward, as something to use to better control the PC)

You put it rightly in your message, there's also some sort of familiarity with that transactional system that is deeply comforting.

I won't lie, back in the days, it was sometimes difficult for me to be with someone who wasn't a client, because my partners then didn't expect anything from me. Whereas clients always expect something specific, if only in the SW's behaviour, or/and concerning the acts themselves. And it was comforting. I knew what I had to do to please them. But as I said, it didn't always keep me from having a good time with some clients. It's not incompatible. That's why I think Astarion can still enjoy it even though he's performing, and can get attached to the PC even if it started as something more or less transactional.

And that's precisely why it must have been so destabilizing for him!

After all, when that first night together happens, he appreciates the PC (you need enough approval to sleep with him). As you pointed out, they've already spent several days/weeks together, shared a lot things... That's new to him, sleeping with someone he knows and appreciates.

As a SW, I had defined through the years a clear line between people I met for the job, and people I met outside of it. There was no confusion between the two, even for the long-terms clients – even for the clients I cared about. I liked them, but we weren’t friends, we weren’t partners, we weren’t lovers. And we would never be.

I would say that in the case of Astarion, that separation exists, but it’s not as well defined because, despite his experience, all his partners were destined to end up dead (for all he knew) and he barely knew them anyway. He didn’t have to clearly define that separation because there was no opportunity, no room for him to get attached to them. He saw a target, seduced them, slept with them and they disappeared forever.

It was “easy”, he didn’t have to question the nature of his relationship with them. Whereas after that first night with the PC, they’re still there, alive, and they’re still being this great leader who cares about him and his needs, who values him as a person, someone whose company feels good. His habitus is all messed up and his mental pattern is no long relevant.

{From personal experience, and SW put aside, many years ago, before I really started working on my traumas, I forced myself to believe that I didn’t need affection, tenderness, care. I would never allow myself to cry, I refused to get attached to people (except some very close friends). Because I wanted to be in control of my feelings, I thought it made me look stronger, not showing any kind of vulnerability. I was 27 or 28 when I first experienced genuine tenderness and care while having sex and I realized that there was a softness inside me I had hindered for years and that I actually loved tenderness. Before that, I would run away at the first sign of affection, because it made me feel deeply uncomfortable (and vulnerable). And when I finally accepted to experience it, it was completely destabilizing. It felt good, but I needed time to adapt.}

Astarion realizing that he wanted something real, soft, and gentle with the PC might have had the same kind of effect, but worse. Because he was supposed to be manipulating the PC, to pull the strings, and he suddenly found himself being “manipulated” by his own feelings.

It must have been terrifying for him, realising that he could feel something like this. Because it means he doesn’t control himself (his feelings) as much as he wants to, as much as he thought he could. He "falls" for the PC, the expression itself being one of vulnerability.

For him, falling in love = falling into a trap. He was supposed to be the one crafting that trap, and he ends up being trapped by his (uncontrollable) feelings.

That's why he can sound so cynical about your affair. This banter is from Act 2 if you romance him:

He feels uncomfortable, not because you had sex, but because it actually means something, and he doesn't not how to deal with it. It's easier to joke about it than to admit that maybe he's not so much in control.

It's not the PC's fault

He’s hurt, he has PTSD, but he can now think by himself and make his own choices, for better or worse.

It’s normal for us, fans who know the rest of the story, to worry about him and to not want to have him do something he's not fully into. But we should give him some credits and let him experience sex his own way.

When you’re a survivor, sometimes you have great sex experience, sometimes your PTSD will ruin it, and you won’t be able to go through with it. Sometimes you have sex for bad reasons, sometimes you regret it and sometimes you’re proud of it. Sometimes you have healthy sex and sometimes you use it to hurt yourself. It’s normal. That’s what healing is about and how you learn to define your boundaries.

Astarion didn’t have any body agency for two centuries, it’s coherent that his first experience as a free man is driven by questionable reasons. You can’t expect him to immediately find a healthy way to deal with his sexuality.

For instance, if you don't sleep with him at the party, he spends the night with Lae'zel, and imho it's even worse.

She shamelessly uses him like a toy, and he knows about it. But it's still his decision to sleep with her, even if his motivations aren't "good". You can't take that away from him on the pretext of protecting him. He doesn't need that kind of infantilisation. Same thing when he decides to sleep with the PC.

The thing is that the PC can’t know. As benevolent and respectful and selfless as the PC is, it’s part of Astarion's storyline that they don’t notice anything. He does his best to keep the mask up because the last thing he wants is to look vulnerable to you.

And he knows it's not the PC's fault. He slept with them for questionable reasons and he feels bad about it; not because he thinks they hurt him, but because he knows he mostly hurt himself, and he feels bad for manipulating the PC.

He doesn't blame the PC for it, and I'm sure it's not because he's deluded by his sense of guilt. After all, he never blamed his targets for sleeping with him, even the "villains" among them. They're not the enemies.

Those who hurt him didn't hurt him because they accepted to sleep with him, but more probably because of their behaviours during sex.

Besides, if the PC uses the confession dialogue to trick him into sleeping with them again, Astarion accepts before realising how disgusted he feels about it, and there he blames the PC for it, because here they explicitly abused his trust, using his vulnerabilities against him. It's still difficult for him to say no, especially to someone he respects, but he can say no when he's not taken aback in his most vulnerable moments (again: he doesn't sleep with the PC at all if there's not enough approval). Sleeping with him that first night doesn't make the PC an abuser.

In act 1, the PC has no way to know how Astarion is feeling about sex, The PC is one that fool who wanted to love him...

Trust

I already mentioned how pleased he looks when the PC let him bite them, and I think it has to do with trust. They accept to spend the night with him although they know he's a vampire and they trust him not to drink too much. Look at his reaction if the PC warn him not to bite.

He's really disappointed, enough to put an end to this affair. The tone he uses here doesn't seem 100% genuine, though, masking indignation? frustration? sadness? I don't know, but the "it's about pleasure" sounds so fake to me.

He nonetheless decides to not sleep with the PC - he listens to himself and realises he doesn't want to spend the night with someone who can't trust him. The PC has taken back their trust and reduced him to his vampiric nature (as something bad). Whereas if they sleep with him, they show him that they accept him.

That’s what makes that night so special: not thanks to some sort of “collective ecstasy” but thanks to mutual trust. The PC trusts him not to hurt them. Astarion trust them not to abuse him. He’s not ready to be vulnerable, but he allows himself to enjoy that moment with the PC, despite his plan, despite his past. Because they've both come this far and the PC has proved him multiple times that he could rely on them. It’s a fragile trust at this point, but it’s still more than what he’d ever had before.

An essential step

IMHO this scene is essential in the romance route. I know some players wished there could be an option to romance him without sleeping with him, and I perfectly understand why. Realizing that he might have not be totally into it is painful. It’s uncomfortable. I also understand that if the PC is demi-sexual/ace, it makes the romance road a bit awkward. And it’s a valid feeling.

You can romance him without sleeping with him as Karlach origin, and that's because it's Karlach. The tension arises from the fact she can’t and wants it so much (for good reasons), whereas Astarion can and wants it somehow (for questionable reasons). That road is specific to them both because they are a mirroring one another.

Karlach aside, the thing is that in terms of narrative growth and storyline, this first night is the starting point of his healing journey. For the first time in 200 years, he has sex in a safe environment. For the first time, he finds a partner who trusts him enough to sleep with him even though they know he’s a vampire who could bite them. For the first time in his existence he can have real fun while having sex, he can be silly and roll on the ground. And maybe during this moment, he’s no longer the “sexy vampire” but just a man frolicking in the forest with someone he's attracted to. And again, it's still his decision, no matter how "bad" his motivations are. We should give him some credit.

I think it’s a brave move from Larian to put the players in that situation, to make them face the harsh reality of trauma. The harsh reality of being with someone who has such complicated feelings towards sex because of their trauma. It’s real. Very real. And it feels good to be seen.

You don’t always know the past of your sexual partners. You don’t always know what’s in their mind when you’re sleeping together. And if you happen to learn the harsh truth, it stings.

The Act 2 confession wouldn't be such a powerful scene without the first night. Astarion wouldn't have appeared so brave. Telling the PC about his former motivations must have been incredibly difficult, telling them "I wanted it but wasn't really into it" is freaking brave, and it's a token of trust he gives to the PC. Without that first night, it would have fallen flat. The PC would have just felt some kind of pride for not falling for his flirting and...that's it. Good, have a medal. Instead, the narrative puts the PC in an uncomfortable position, asking them: "Can you accept that? Because that's what trauma looks like and it's ugly."

That first night is inherent to Astarion's storyline, and to its message. That man goes from someone whose only reason to exist is being a sensual, sexual being in a cruel environment - someone who cannot connect with others without sex - to a man who finds out that he’s more than that, that sex doesn’t have to be dangerous, that’s it’s so much more than a game of power. And when you compare his grandiloquent attitude during that first night to his behaviour in the graveyard scene, it’s even more telling.

Those two scenes need to exist side by side to make sense, to reveal the evolution.

Everything about him in the graveyard scene - his body language, the look in his eyes, his voice - is a reversed image of that first night. He’s at peace, he doesn’t have to use those stupid lines about “mutual ecstasy” and how he will “taste you”, he doesn’t look down on the PC or look away. He looks into their eyes and tells them with his own words that he’d love to have sex with them.

But you have to experience both situations for the graveyard one to be so powerful. To witness that beautiful evolution. And Astarion too; he has to experience a “not so real” night with the PC to know that he wants something real with them.

It makes it all the more meaningful and sweeter. And imo, the graveyard scene is so freaking hot! Much more than that first night! Because it's genuine. It’s simple. He knows what he wants, his motivations are clear. It’s a man telling his lover “I want you”. A man who's learning to decipher what he really wants and to express it. And it’s more than enough.

[Let’s be honest, it’s been quite challenging to write all this. I rarely talk about my past online (for obvious reasons) and this scene means so much to me. Analysing it feels a little bit like analysing myself. And if you ever went through therapy, you know how hard it is xD In any case, that’s still my pov, based on my personal experience. I don’t pretend I hold the keys to a universal truth about it. We all have our own experience and sensibilities, and all of them are valid, even if we don’t agree in our interpretations.]

Thank you again @rivereverie for giving me the opportunity to dig into all this. I hope my humble opinion will help.

Last thing, some time ago I wrote a short fic about Astarion’s preparing himself for that first night, and it’s here.

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cyberhughes · 5 months ago

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congrats!!

sorry this is a lot but can I get a long island #1/#24 where connor like confesses his feelings please

cyberhughes 200 follower special ⋆ .˚

long island coming up!!

prompts #1/#24: "i think i love you." + "i'm like, madly in love with you."

warnings: none!!

hi love!! thank you so much for the request! connor is such a cutie i wish men were real. there is a movie reference in here but if you don't get it its basically just that the multiverse is real :( cause i'm a nerd and i think he’s a nerd too

prompt list

connor bedard felt like a lovesick loser whenever you were around. of course you'd never known that your best friend had a major crush on you, and he intended on keeping it that way, he'd never want to jeopardize your friendship over a silly crush.

a silly crush that had his heart thumping as he watched you silently with loving eyes as you danced around the kitchen of his apartment, blasting the smith's "there is a light that never goes out" on your phones speaker. you had taken a spatula, using it as a microphone while he sat back and laughed at your antics.

"and if a double decker bus~" you flipped your hair while jumping around, shooting him a toothy smile. "crashes into us~" you sang, sliding on your socks to where he was sitting at the island and shoved your makeshift microphone into his face. you didn't notice the blush on his cheeks when he mumbled the lyrics as he rolled his eyes, “to die by your side, is such a heavenly way to die..." you'd burst into laughter at his off key singing, but he didn't get upset, he'd simply admire the way your face lit up, because of him.

a silly crush that had him doing whatever you wanted, he'd follow you around like a lost puppy any day. you had dragged him to a new book shop that had just opened up, not too far away from his place. he trailed behind you as you scanned the tall shelves of books, falling in love with the way you observed the books with such concentration, the way your eyes squinted slightly and your brows furrowed as you flipped through the pages. and of course he was holding your pile of books to purchase, unsure if you knew what the cost was, it was getting to be quite the stack.

"i promise i'm almost done." you'd give him a sorry smile and he'd shake his head, "it's okay, i don't mind." and he really didn't, he'd actually prefer that you take longer just so he could spend more time with you, not getting to see you as often because of his busy career. he didn't notice when you called out his name, too entranced by the way your lips moved as you spoke passionately about the books.

"connor?" his eyes widened, "yeah, sorry." you pointed to a book that was just barely out of your reach. "can you reach that?" you'd ask sweetly and he felt his heartbeat pick up, nodding. he balanced your current pile of books carefully in one hand while he grabbed the new one. "thanks!" you eagerly grabbed it, your hands touching for a brief moment, and how he wished he could experience the things you read about in your romance novels, with him.

a silly little crush that had was not in fact so silly anymore. he couldn't go about his day without thinking of you. the two of you had a movie night planned, and while this was a regular occurrence for you, he suddenly felt so nervous. he had made sure his apartment was extra clean, that he smelled good, and that he didn't forget to pick up your favorite snacks. when you had arrived with sweats and no makeup on, he couldn't hep but fall in love with you more, appreciating that you felt comfortable around him.

that night the movie you had picked was 'everything, everywhere, all at once.' you'd seen it a few times and you knew connor would be a big fan. you had your legs rested on his lap as you concentrated on the movie, but the only thing he could concentrate on was your pretty face.

"think about it connor!" you started chatting, throwing a piece of popcorn in your mouth, "imagine what our lives would've been like if we had made different decisions! like what if we had never met? would we still be where we are now? or would i be a famous celebrity?" he listened intently as you continued to ramble on, explaining how the multiverse could very much be real, and that your every day decisions could alter your life's path so easily. all he could think was that in every universe, he'd want to be with you.

"what do you think?" you asked and he stared at you with dazed eyes, "i think i'm in love with you." both of your eyes widened at his words. he couldn't believed he had just said that, out loud. "what did you just say?" you asked with uncertainty and he felt like his heart might beat out of his chest. oh well, there was no turning back. "i'm like, madly in love with you." he confessed and felt his stomach do somersaults as he waited for a response from you.

at first you just stared at him in disbelief, and he had thought he had messed everything up. he then watched a smile slowly form on your face as you sighed, "connor bedard you are such an idiot." you giggled, "i think i'm madly in love with you too."

he didn't know what to do, he hadn't ever planned on confessing his feelings to you. he thought that he'd might be dreaming, it was only in his dreams that you had reciprocated his feelings, but here you were. and so he spoke the only words he could think of in that moment,

"can i kiss you?"

#˗ˏˋ 200 special ˎˊ˗#connor bedard #connor bedard imagine #connor bedard fluff #connor bedard fic #chicago blackhawks #connor bedard x reader

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viperbunnies · 6 months ago

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Christmas Raffle!

Happy holidays everyone! I wanted to host a small raffle to celebrate the joyous season and also as a thank you to all 200+ of you that follow me. (Honestly still surprised I managed to reach such a number with how much my style fluctuates and how inconsistent I post, nevertheless I am always grateful to the community!) STATUS: CLOSED rolling winners soon Participants list

There will be 3 (or more) winners for the event!

1 winner will receive a fully colored couple halfbody or 2 single halfbodies. (Simple background only) (Style samples, You can choose between Watercolor-like or literally any of my painting styles from here! I legit have no samples yet for any couples pieces... you will just have to trust me 🫡)

2 winners will receive an animated chibi (Single character) (wil be have flat colors, and fullbody around 5-8 frames)

There will be more winners if the following goals are met: 20+ Participants 🔓 4 winners will receive an icon in this style:

50+ Participants 🔓 2 winner will receive a Couple chibi like the one below !

???

Rules (please read </3) - Strictly for followers only (New ones welcome!) - Winners are free to use their prize for personal use only! - I will do: Twst ocs, Original characters, Other fandom if I'm familiar enough. - I won't do: Pr0ships, Inc3st ships, Nsfw, anything that clearly isn't my style. - If the winner fails to respond in 24 hours I'll reroll for someone new.

If this is all clear here's how you can participate! - If you've read the rules and agree to them add a blue heart emoji (💙) - Comment that you're participating! Simple as that! - Also to keep things easier for me please comment if you also reblogged the post only if you're going for the additional entry!

Additionally you can receive extra entries (More chances of winning lol) - Reblog this post (+1 entry) - Tag 3-5 other users on your comment (+1 entry) - Guess what my least favorite fruit is (+1 entry that I'll give on the last minute if you guess right) ENDS ON: 3:00 pm DECEMBER 25, 2024 GMT+8 (Countdown) I'll announce the winners shortly after 💙

#art raffle #oc x canon #twst #twst oc #event #artists on tumblr #taters raffle #queue #shsh idk if ppl will actually join but yeah #shameful realization that i really only draw jamil in this blog #hshshs dw... my 2025 goals is to draw the other twst cast #let's see if that'll actually work out

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preciousdomino · 1 year ago

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elle's favorite ateez fics. f = fluff ; s = smut ; sg = suggestive ; a = angst. ✧ = absolute favorites, must read. (only adding notes for these few fics to ensure readability for the overall list!) word count in brackets. last updated: may 2nd, 2024

authors; if you wish to be untagged, please let me know!

currently no individual fic for hongjoong, yeosang & jongho. please refer to the OT8 section, or come back for future updates!

성화 SEONGHWA

✧ [11,1k] plastic flowers — @bobateastay ( f ; s ; a ) ↪ note: this fic revolves around abortion, so please keep this in mind before reading. i read this on a flight— and i don't know if it was the altitude, but it broke me. the author beautifully wrote this, in a way where unconditional love, hope and pain are intertwined. one of the most pleasantly surprising and touching reads i've had on this platform by far.

✧ [2,3k] essence — @hwaightme ( f ) ↪ note: this one is for the poetic, hopelessly romantic fics lovers. everything i've read from this author was beautiful so far! the poetry in this fic was so pretty that i felt the need to share it to my friends... although i usually never share fics out of tumblr. i'm excited to read through more of your writings, bai!

[1,2k] the first snow and being in love — @i-luvsang ( f )

[884] 02:36 — @hwapetals ( f )

[642] adoration — @kisshwa ( f ; sg )

[8,6k] both — @hwaightme ( s ; f )

[200] 10:24pm — @hotteoki ( f )

[986] anguish — @kisshwa ( a )

[n/a] bf texts — @hotteoki ( f )

[79] 9:22pm — @cozykpopblurbs ( f )

[1,6k] i'll be with you — @cheollipop ( f )

[519] lazy make out sessions — @crazyforhwa ( s )

[1,2k] realistic sex — @byuntrash101 ( s ; f )

윤호 YUNHO

✧ [13k + 18,2k] unprofessional attraction ; pt.1 , pt.2 , [tbc] — @jk97 ( f ; s ; a ) ↪ note: i was so engulfed into this fic that i skipped a lecture to continue reading. fics that are heavier nsfw-wise usually aren't my thing, but here, every single line pulled me in. hell, i felt even more insane about yunho after reading this. saying i'm excited about the next chapters would be an understatement.

✧ [14k] closer, face down — @ncteez ( s ; f ) ↪ note: again, although i usually prefer fluff over smut, i absolutely loved this fic... the build up made it so enticing! i don't know if a re-edit still is in the works, but i'd absolutely re-read it regardless!

✧ [84,5k] project: make you love me (series) — @hwaslayer ( f ; a ; s ) ↪ note: pulled an all nighter to read the entire series in one go... it was that fun to read! the relationship was built up at a nice, natural pace, while still keeping the reader on their toes. (this made me very excited about the seonghwa series in progress..!)

[1,1k] bedfellows — @sungbeam ( f )

[1,3k] he knows he loves you — @honeyhotteoks ( f )

[2,5k] convenience store chances — @ohmyamor ( f )

[n/a] boyfriend texts — @koizekomi ( f )

[300] nothing sweeter — @i-luvsang ( f )

[1,1k] nsfw alphabet — @yunhobug ( s )

[425] 3:52am — @edenesth ( f ; sg? )

산 SAN

✧ [3,7k] leave the window open — @sungbeam ( f ) ↪ note: so sweet. so comforting. the kind of heartwarming fic that feels like hot cocoa on a cold winter day. (also made me feel insane about san... but let's not talk about that.)

[1k] always available — @everyonewooeverywhere ( f )

✧ [1,6k] capturing us — @03jyh23 ( f ) ↪ note: another sweet, poetic, hopelessly romantic fic— my favorite kind! finding fics like these always feels like discovering a little treasure. looking forward to all the wips!

[n/a] boyfriend texts — @koizekomi ( f )

[2,6k] take a break - @cheollipop ( f ; s )

[249] 21:23 — @petitemingi ( f )

[350] boyfriend headcanons — @i-luvsang ( f )

[600] one more minute — @seonghwaddict ( f )

[1,3k] no strings, no expectations — @seonghwaddict ( a ; sg ; f? )

[468] stretch marks — @beenbaanbuun ( f )

[475] valentine's series : movies — @whimsicalwritingsandmore ( f )

[n/a] instagram stories with bf san — @lwtqts ( f )

[371] hold me — @cheeseceli ( f )

민기 MINGI

[800] untitled — @cheollipop ( a ; f )

[2,8k] mind over matter — @mingisaddctn ( s )

[256] 23:22 — @petitemingi ( f )

[1k] 23:46 — @seonghwaddict ( f )

[447] princess treatment — @cheeseceli ( f )

우영 WOOYOUNG

✧ [1,2k] broke you heart, i'll put it back together — @dairyminki ( a ; f ) ↪ note: loved this so much that i had to read it twice. something about wooyoung hopelessly in love wanting to fix this... name twin, if you're reading this, hi- i'd be seated for a part 2 if you ever have the time to write it!

[2,2k] vacation — @bobateastay ( f ; s )

OT8

[700] when you don't say i love you back — @jjunberry ( f )

[2,4k] romance tropes — @beenbaanbuun ( f )

[n/a] situationships (texts) ; pt.1 , pt.2 — @yunhoszn ( f )

[2,9k + 3k] as boyfriends ; hyung line , maknae line — @honeyhotteoks ( f : s )

[n/a] sex ban (texts) — @kisshwa ( sg ; f )

[n/a] sending you a pic of themselves (texts) — @bombuni ( f )

[1,3k] outfit turn-ons — @starillusion13 ( sg )

[1,2k] make-up sex — @nateezfics ( f ; a ; s )

[944] showering — @seonghwaddict ( f ; sg )

[1,6k] as boyfriends — @atiny-moon ( f ; sg )

[2,5k] that one specific habit they do that highlights their love language — @sanhwaism ( f )

[1,1k] top 3 kinks — @seonghwaddict ( s )

[2,8k] making out — @sxcret-garden ( sg ; f )

[n/a] asking them to draw a flower (texts) — @eightmakesonebraincell ( f )

if any link is broken, or if i made any mistake when tagging fics— please kindly let me know!

#here we go again.. idk if this will garner as much attention as the skz fic rec list did (which btw was crazy..? thank you!)#regardless— i hope it'll help you find lovely fics and talented authors on this hellish website. i'll try to more consistent with updates!#as for the skz fic rec list- i'm honestly a bit overwhelmed by the amount of recommendations i've accumulated...#so i'll try my best to update it whenever uni slows down (or my hyperfixation goes crazy again). thank you for understanding!#elle's favorite fics #ateez #ateez recommendations #ateez fic recs #ateez fic #fic rec #ateez x reader #hongjoong x reader #seonghwa x reader #yunho x reader #yeosang x reader #mingi x reader #san x reader #wooyoung x reader #jongho x reader #ateez fic recommendations #ateez fluff #ateez smut #ateez fanfic #ateez angst #seonghwa fluff #seonghwa angst #seonghwa smut #yunho angst #yunho fluff #yunho smut

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tam--lin · 5 months ago

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Books For People Who Liked Leverage and White Collar

I've always been a big non-fiction reader, and I'm particularly fond of frauds, scams, and white collar crime. Ever since I finished White Collar last year, I've been meaning to pull together a collection of related books. As you'll quickly learn if you dive into this list, the truth is often wilder than fiction. (A lot more FBI agents yelling FUCK YOU!! at each other across board room tables, for one thing.)

IMPORTANT! Please don't pirate! It hurts authors. Most of these books are available through your local library, including as e-books. You can help local bookstores by purchasing through bookshop dot org, or as audiobooks through libro dot fm.

Category #1: Stand Outs and All-Time Favorites

Bad Blood reads like a thriller, and I genuinely mean that. It's gripping, it's incredible reporting, it's just a jaw-dropping story. Theranos was one of the biggest corporate frauds in history, and Carreyrou masterfully details its rise and fall. Not to spoil what could be considered the book's big twist, but there's no one better to write it, either.

Empire of Pain is also masterful reporting by a well-regarded journalist, but it leans more family drama than thriller. This details the personal machinations that helped create the opioid crisis in America. [Leverage: Redemption 1x1, which IIRC was actually written before the Met removed the Sackler name from their exhibits. Also goes well paired with The Fall Of The House Of Usher.]

Rogues: True Stories of Grifters, Killers, Rebels and Crooks is a collection of Radden Keefe's writing for The New Yorker. It explores wine crime (Leverage 5x13 and White Collar 1x12 directly draw from this), a passionate defense attorney, whistle blowers, hit men, and international organized crime. While I recommend the book, much of this content is available for free at newyorker dot com / contributors / patrick-radden-keefe (you can use paywallreader dot com to legally get around the paywall).

Number Go Up moves quickly and is full of fascinating characters and unexpected celebrity cameos. You've got your cringe rappers, your coke-on-a-yacht billionaires, your Harry Potter rationalist poly cult. Seriously, I wish I could read this again for the first time.

Category #2: Odd, "Cozy", Strange

The Feather Thief covers a unique crime by a 20-year-old obsessed with fly fishing.

The Art Thief tells the story of Stéphane Bréitwieser, the most prolific art thief of all time. He stole during the day, from museums full of people, again and again - over 200 times, in fact. He kept his treasures in his bedroom. A fascinating portrait of a strange criminal.

Category #3: Grab Bag

Including stuff that's more adjacent to the topic but still of interest, books I got part way through, and books that are still on my TBR.

Chickenshit Club I'm part way through and enjoying, Never Split the Difference is GREAT and includes lots of true hostage negotiating stories, Fancy Bear Goes Phishing I couldn't get into but that could be because I don't need two pages of text explaining what a string is. (I'm planning on giving it another go.)

Anansi's Gold and The Corporation are both on my TBR; Con Queen of Hollywood is a riveting con story for the first half but gets a little bogged down in biography in the second half.

The Confidence Game is on my TBR and is a classic of the genre, Molly's Game is one of my partner's favorite books, and The Gospel Of Wellness does a great job at exposing how scammy the entire wellness industry is.

Genuinely there are SO many more books I could have included, and I might do another post at some point. Some books were left off intentionally, because I didn't care for them or because another book did it better. Some books were left off simply because my white collar/fraud/cons TBR is extensive and I can't include everything! And some were left off simply because I don't know about them. I'm always looking for quality non-fiction - please do share any related recommendations in the notes.

#leverage #white collar #I'm feeling a little foggy today so I hope this is coherent!#anyway please read number Go Up. it was phenomenal

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facets-and-rainbows · 4 months ago

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Blue Exorcist Character Guidebook 2: Mephisto

Info on Mephisto from the new guidebook! Each character has a profile followed by relevant questions from fans, and then there's an interview section later where Kazue Katoh gives commentary on each major character and each manga arc. I have more guidebook than time, so I'm skipping the parts that are just like...summarizing who he is and stuff. So this will mostly be fan questions and Katoh's commentary

Biographical info

Gender: Male Age: (°w°) Rank/Titles: Director of True Cross Academy and head of the exorcism cram school, Honorary Knight for the Knights of the True Cross, King of Time Anniversary [T/N Katoh gives demons these in lieu of a birthday]: August 28 Blood type: ( ʹ - ʼ ) Height: 195 cm (184 cm without the "horn") Weight: 74 kg Skills and interests: movies, manga, anime, games, music, toys, miscellaneous subcultures

Fan Q&A

How do members of the Knights of the True Cross usually find out that Mephisto is a demon king?

I think some people might find out from books, the internet, etc even before they become exorcists. They do publish demon field guides that you can find at regular libraries, and Mephisto seems like the type to mention it in online interviews. Rin was the only one who didn't know.

How long has he had his current body?

About 200 years.

Which media from Assiah has had the greatest impact on him?

I imagine he would have been shocked the first time he saw a cinematograph.

Mephisto really likes all sorts of entertainment; has he ever tried making something himself?

Demons in general (not just Mephisto) tend to be bad at creative pursuits, though there are exceptions. Mephisto has a certain respect for human creativity.

Why is he so fond of Beelzebub?

Beelzebub just kind of struck a chord with him. Meanwhile, Beelzebub also likes being spoiled by Mephisto.

Which other demon kings get along with Mephisto the best?

In order: 1. Beelzebub 2. Amaimon 3. Egyn 4. Astaroth 5. Iblis 6. Lucifer [T/N it took me like an entire minute to work out that Azazel is the one missing from this list. Presumably because he's a rock]

Has Mephisto ever altered the past?

He sure does say a lot of things that imply that! [T/N: Katoh. Katoh. Katoh.]

How rich is Mephisto exactly?

He's actually one of the world's top businessmen and investors. His total assets are probably over one trillion yen [T/N: Jesus f*ck][T/N: that's about US$6.7 billion]

Author interview

Mephisto is a character who can solve just about anything; does that make him hard to write? Honestly, he's super easy to deploy. Mephisto has the plot in the palm of his hand and can fix stuff behind the scenes; he's the one pulling the strings. For adaptations and spinoffs, I just say "if you need to fill in a plot hole, make it Mephisto's fault" (laughs). But I do think it's dangerous to overdo it.

He even took on a sort of narrator role in chapter 44, didn't he? Around Volume 10, I was trying to treat each chapter like its own self-contained oneshot. Mephisto didn't even feel out of place as an omniscient narrator for one chapter, and for me that really drove home what a convenient character he is. Though I'm always wondering when and how to show Mephisto's own serious motives and inner thoughts, since he does fall into that eternal comic narrator role.

He can suddenly turn terrifying just when you were thinking he was comical. Hidden depths. Fundamentally he's on the humans' side, and he's often in charge of comic relief, but I do want to show his demonic side too. Same with the familiars; I want to portray the demons as something humans are afraid of.

#if you saw me post this to my reblog blog then no you didn't #blue exorcist #ao no exorcist #mephisto pheles #translation #blue exorcist guidebook 2 #did you know forbes keeps a list of every billionaire's net worth that updates every 5 min like a dystopian mmorpg leaderboard #Katoh gave total assets instead of net worth but still. General ballpark of world's 500th richest guy #*Old Man Yells At Cloud Voice* in my day that would've been top 10 (<-does not actually know if that's true)

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ashwhowrites · 1 year ago

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Hi, I love ur stories and I had an idea I was hoping you could write. If not I completely understand and respect that. I loved ur fic where Eddie was the popular one instead and everyone thought hellfire/his band was cool. So would you be able to write another popular Eddie Munson x shy/nerdy reader fic but instead it doesn’t deal with the whole upside it’s more so of Eddie is popular and gets paired with nerdy reader or kind of like a 10 things I hate about you sort of thing where there’s a bet and she finds out about it but a happy ending please:) if not completely fine. I hope you have a great day/night and wish all the best for you <3

I think this got a little long because I squeezed it all in one part. I hope this is what you wanted and you enjoy it. Thank you for requesting 🫶🏻

Bet on me

It wasn't a shock that Eddie could get any girl he wanted. And his long list of the girls he dated could back that up. He never had anyone turn him down and that made him cocky. His friends loved it, boys will be boys. And boys love to play games.

"How was the date with Tracy?" Blake asked, one of Eddie's popular friends.

"It was alright. She was easy so that was nice" Eddie smirked, just another girl on the list.

"Well, you aren't the only one that got laid last night. I got Chrissy Cunningham, which puts me above you" Josh gloated. A pleased smile on his face as Eddie rolled his eyes.

"How did you land her? She's like forbidden" Eddie asked, a little hit to his ego.

"Either way, Josh is now at the top of the list. Getting closer to the $300" Blake said, writing down little dashes next to Josh's name.

"No way. I'm not losing $300. Who do I need to date to get me on the top?" Eddie asked, shoving Josh aside as he continued to brag.

"Um, how about..." Blake said as he looked around. Eddie watched as a twisted smirk showed up on his face. He looked back to Eddie with evil in his eye.

"Y/F/N"

Josh laughed out loud. A laugh so hard he smacked Eddie next to him.

"Dude there's no way she's going to agree to that!" Eddie argued. Y/N was the nerd of the school. There were a few nerds, but she was the smartest out of all of them. She was quiet and kept to herself. How the hell would Eddie get her to date him? How the hell would he even get a conversation started?

"Damn, then it looks like you can hand over that $300 now," Josh said, holding out his hand.

"If anyone can crack her, it'll be you," Blake said, encouraging Eddie as he hyped him up.

"I'll add $200 more if you can take her virginity," Josh smirked, knowing Eddie wouldn't shy away from a higher bet.

"Well gentleman, looks like I'm making $500" Eddie smirked as he walked off, heading towards her direction.

Y/N finished grabbing her books from her locker. She slammed the locker shut and jumped as Eddie leaned against the metal beside her.

"Y/N right?" He asked, putting on his best charming smile.

"Um yeah," she said quietly, not quite making eye contact with the popular boy.

"I was wondering if you maybe wanted to go out sometime?" He asked, putting his arm near her head as he leaned into her. He felt a blow to his ego when she stepped back.

"I'm sorry but I don't think we have much in common." She spoke quietly that he could barely hear her. But she walked past him.

It looked like Eddie had to put in more work than he was used to.

~~~

Eddie waited a few days before he talked to her again. He didn't want his sudden interest to be that suspicious.

He walked into his math class, heading straight for the teacher.

"Mr. Munson, what can I do for you?" The teacher sighed

"Can I get a tutor? I need to pass this next test or my uncle is gonna kick my ass." He said, not a full lie. Wayne was getting pissed off with Eddie's grades.

"Language," the teacher scolded, "but I'm glad you are finally accepting help. I have a few options, there is Char-"

"I want Y/N," Eddie said, well demanded.

"Y/N? She is my best student but she doesn't take well to tutoring the popular crowd" the teacher explained.

"I'll make her change her mind," Eddie said with a cocky smile

And just like that Y/N was in the palm of his hand.

~~~

It took a few days before the teacher assigned her to tutor him. She tried to fight it but the teacher refused. She was extremely confused as to why Eddie would request her, and the thought made her nervous.

She took a deep breath and knocked on the small trailer. She looked down at the address on the piece of paper, making sure she was in the right place.

She looked up as she heard the door open. Spit caught in her throat as a shirtless and incredibly sweaty Eddie stood before her.

"Sorry. Was doing a workout, come on in" he said, stepping aside as she walked in. He pushed back his sweaty curls and closed the door.

"Do you want me to come back?" She asked. She felt extremely awkward that she interrupted a workout.

"No, you're fine. I'll just rinse off quickly and join you. Feel free to take a seat on the couch and help yourself to anything in the fridge" he said before he headed off into the bathroom.

She sat on the couch, taking in the small trailer. She could see baby photos of Eddie and an older man. The walls were covered in mugs and baseball caps. But it was a place of memories.

She grabbed out her books, pencils, and paper. She wasn't the type to help herself to something in the fridge so she sat and waited. She tried to shake away the thought of Eddie standing in the shower. The water dripped down his toned and tatted chest.

A few minutes later, the bathroom door opened and Eddie walked out, head down as he rang out his long hair. A loose muscle tank top covered his chest, and her eyes were locked on his arms. Then she looked down and took in his sweatpants. She looked away as he looked up. He tossed the towel back in the bathroom and walked to sit right next to her.

She shivered as she took in the smell of his shampoo and aftershave. She yelled at herself in her head to get a damn grip. But Eddie was attractive, everyone knew that. And she was simply a girl sitting next to the hottest boy in school, watching him get out of the shower.

"Where do we start?" He asked, smirking as she jumped out of her skin. He loved that behind all her walls, she was still a girl who found him attractive. At least now he knew what he could play at.

"With your last test," Y/N said, taking out his graded test and handing it over for him to look at. "Tell me what you don't understand" She looked up at him as she waited for him to answer.

"How you are so beautiful and don't have a boyfriend" he replied, his eyes looking nowhere near the paper.

"Oh...uh thanks," she said, "but I meant about the math, Eddie."

He sighed as his words seemed to not have any effect. She was able to compose herself and brush him off.

He figured he needed to earn a little friendship with her first. So he sat there for two hours doing math.

Y/N sighed in relief when the sky got dark and she had a reason to go home.

"Well it's getting dark so I better head out. You did very well today. I think we can get you around a C" she said as she stood up.

"Why don't you stay a little longer?" He asked, grabbing her hand and freezing her in her spot. "Maybe talk without it being about numbers?"

"I uh- I rode my bike here so I really should go home." She said, giving him a small smile as she released her hand from his.

She waved bye as she walked out the door.

Eddie sighed as the door closed. She was a lot harder to crack than he thought.

~~~

As the final bell rang, Eddie was already in the parking lot. He stood near the bike rack, not sure which one would have been hers.

"Oh hi, Eddie" she greeted him with a smile as she unlocked her bike.

"I was thinking, what if we put your bike in my van, and I'll drive you to my place tonight. Maybe stay for dinner?" He asked, his cocky smirk made her face heat up.

She looked around as students watched them interact. A few of his friends stared at them, and it made her nervous.

"Then I'll drive you home and you won't have to worry about biking in the dark," Eddie added, the final push to make her sigh and agree.

She sat nervously in his van as the music played through the speakers. She found herself humming along and drumming her fingers against her thighs.

Eddie smiled as he heard her softly singing, he was very surprised the shy nerd would listen to the same music as he did. He turned up the volume, winking towards her as she noticed.

"Don't stop, I like hearing you sing." He said, and for once he was honest.

Wait...did he like something about her?

They walked into the trailer and sat on the couch. For the first few hours, he stuck to the math, knowing she wouldn't move on unless they did.

"I'm starving, you hungry?" He asked as he stood up. His brain felt fried for squeezing in math for the past two days.

"I could eat" she smiled

"Follow me to the kitchen, milady" he joked as he held his arm out.

He silently cheered in his head as she laughed and took his arm. He walked them a few steps into the kitchen. He let go of her arm to look in his pantry.

"Mac n cheese?" He asked, taking out the small box.

"Sounds good to me," Y/N said as she took a seat at the small table.

Eddie began to prep the meal, trying to rank his brain for questions to ask.

"How come you wanted me to tutor you?" Y/N asked, her fingers drumming against the table.

"I wanted to get to know you," Eddie said, and it was the truth. He just had a different reason why he wanted to know her.

"But why? You've never noticed me before" She wasn't dumb. She knew Eddie wouldn't magically like her out of nowhere, no one did.

"But I noticed you now," he said, turning to look at her as the water boiled.

She accepted his answer and continued to drum her fingers against the table.

"Nervous habit?" He asked, nodding towards her fingers.

She felt her face blush as she clenched her hands into fits.

"A bit" she shrugged as she looked down

She heard him walking closer to her, her breathing picking up as he used his finger to lift up her chin. She stared at him like a love-sick puppy and he felt himself loving it.

"Why do I make you nervous, beautiful?" He whispered, she gulped as she bit at her lip. Eddie softly moved his hand up, his thumb yanking her bottom lip away from her teeth. A puff of air left her lips as she gasped. She tried not to squirm in her seat as he leaned down.

She was close enough to see every color in his eyes, every freckle on his skin, and just how pink his lips were.

"Is it because you like me?" He whispered. He smirked to himself when her eyes zoned in on his lips. He was cracking her down.

"Do you want me to kiss you?" He asked, her eyes snapped up to his eyes. He could see the panic, the fear, and the lust swimming together in her eyes.

"I- I've - don't know.." she trailed off, her eyes getting lost in his as the water boiled in the background. The only sound pulling her back to Earth.

"Never kissed someone have you?" He asked, his thumb softly rubbing her bottom lip again. She softly shook her head no.

She felt like she could breathe again when he stood up straight and removed his thumb. Space between them as she sucked in as much air as she could.

"That's a shame. You've got the prettiest lips I've ever seen" he winked, then turned around and finished making dinner.

He was collected, calm, and in charge.

She was a mess, anxiety-filled, and had no upper hand.

She got caught in the Eddie Munson spell.

~~~

Y/N felt awkward the next day at school. Knowing she was seconds away from kissing Eddie did something to her head.

He asked if she wanted him to kiss her. Did that mean he wanted to? Or was it a mind game he enjoyed? She knew his reputation and that relationships were not what girls went to him for.

She didn't have it in her to be used and tossed. She was far too sensitive for causal. As she walked through the hallway, her eyes caught a poster.

Hawkins Carnival

This weekend only

"Are you thinking about going?"

She turned her head as Eddie's voice filled her ears. He stood next to her, dressed to impress in his jacket and jeans.

"Oh, probably not. I'm not the best at those games." She said with a small laugh

Eddie knocked his shoulder against hers

"Half of it is strategy and the other half is physical. Which means if we team up, we could win and get our money's worth." Eddie explained

Did he want to spend his Saturday night at a carnival with Y/N?

Hell no. He wanted to be at a wild party and drinking until he forgot where he was.

But he had a bet to win.

"You want to go to the carnival together?" She asked, her head turned to the side as she looked at him. She felt the need to clarify what he was saying

He turned to catch her eyes

"It's a date then, sweetheart. I'll pick you up tomorrow at six." As always, he left with a wink that had her heart racing.

She was going on a date with Eddie.

~~~

Y/N barely slept that night. Her head filled with all the horrible things that could happen on the date. But also she allowed herself to get a little excited. Maybe she needed to not think so harshly about Eddie. Maybe he was a good guy and simply interested in her.

She sat on the front step, waiting for Eddie to pick her up. She took a deep breath as his van pulled up the street.

Eddie got out of his van and walked over to open her door.

"You look gorgeous," he said in awe. For once he saw her as more than the little nerd he met. Her glasses were gone, her hair loose on her shoulders, and simple touches of makeup that she probably didn't even need. He never realized how pretty she was just being casual. She always wore sweaters and skirts, but now her arms were bare as she wore a pink tank top. Her chest caught his eyes as he tried to look away. Then her smooth legs showed from her jean shorts.

"Oh thanks," she said shyly, "you look very handsome, Eddie." He wore a band T-shirt, his wrists covered in bracelets, black jeans with a red flannel tied around his skinny waist and his dirty sneakers.

For once in his life Eddie blushed

The drive was comfortable, and both sang along to the music. Eddie never realized how much he enjoyed her company.

The sun was still out and hot as they headed into the carnival. Eddie slipped his hand in hers, not saying a word about it as he walked up to the ticket booth. Once he paid for their tickets, they were walking hand in hand as they walked in.

The loud conversations filled her ears and the smell of popcorn filled her nose.

"Where should we start?" She asked, taking in all the rides and games.

"Bottle ring toss!" Eddie cheered as he walked them over to the small booth.

"Alright, gorgeous. What's my strategy?" He asked, handing the small bills over and receiving the rings.

Y/N leaned in and whispered into his ear, "Aim for the ones closest to you. And aim for the middle, it'll increase the chance that the ring will bounce onto one of the bottles."

She pulled back and stepped back, giving him space to toss.

And he did just as she said, tossing the ring into the middle. The small red ring landed on the bottle. He did it two more times and won.

He bowed as she clapped. The worker grabbed the small stuffed animal and handed it over. Eddie grabbed the small bear and happily handed it to Y/N.

She tucked the small bear under her arm and thanked him. He smiled and slid his hand back into hers as they continued to walk.

After two hours, they were hot and tired of walking around.

"Let's take a seat" Eddie groaned, sitting down on the bench. Y/N laughed but sat next to him.

With the moment to breathe, her head was spinning. She couldn't believe how much fun she was having with Eddie. How sweet he was and how he paid for everything, no questions.

"I'm so sweaty and hot" Eddie groaned, his curls all frizzy.

"Here, this might help," Y/N said as she stood up. Eddie watched confused as she walked behind him, and began to lift up his air. He breathed in relief as his hair was removed from his neck. He smiled to himself as she tied up his hair. A comforting feeling landed on his chest.

She used the binder on her wrist to tie up his hair, throwing it in a messy bun. She walked back in front of him and held out her hand.

"Let's go ride some rides and feel the wind"

Eddie smiled and grabbed her hand. He was actually having the time of his life. He was enjoying every second with her. And as he realized that, he felt a heavy amount of guilt fill his body.

Eddie blindly followed, focused on how terrible he felt.

"Ferris wheel?" She asked as they walked near it. Eddie snapped out of his thoughts and nodded. They walked in line and got on the small cart.

Their bodies smashed together as the ride slowly began to move. Eddie felt sick and he didn't think it was because of the ride.

"The sun is setting. Look how beautiful it is!" Y/N said as she pointed off into the sky. Eddie followed her finger and took in the pinks and purples that decorated the sky.

The ride ticked and slowly came to a stop, their cart at the very top. Y/N hummed as she felt the nighttime breeze start to make it's way. Her hair softly blew in the wind as she reached for his hand.

"Eddie?"

He snapped out of his thoughts again, looking over at her.

"Yeah?" He asked. He took in how beautiful she looked as the sun set behind her. The way her hair blew out of her face, and the scent of her perfume made his heart race.

Fuck...he likes her

"I want you to kiss me" she whispered, her eyes looking down to his lips as she leaned in.

Eddie felt conflicted as her eyes closed and she leaned closer. He knew he should have stopped her, and he should have confessed. But he wanted to kiss her, even if it would be the only time.

Her lips touched his and his mind went blank. All he could feel was her lips. Her left hand moved up to softly touch his cheek. He softly kissed her back, his hand landing on her thigh. The kiss was short and sweet, but impactful.

She pulled away, nervously. She just had her first kiss with the most popular boy in school.

Eddie had the first kiss that ever made him feel something. He looked into her eyes as she waited for him to say something, but he didn't. He pressed his lips eagerly against hers, already missing the way they felt against his.

Eddie pulled up in her familiar driveway. His stomach filled with endless butterflies. He never knew he could like a girl so much.

"I had a great time, Eddie." She said softly, holding the small bear in her hands. "Thank you" She leaned over and kissed his cheek, then got out of the van.

Eddie watched as she walked into her house. Her lips lingered on his cheek and guilt lingered on his mind.

~~~

A week passed, and Eddie and Y/N spent the week doing math. And now that the weekend was here, Eddie took her on another date.

This time at a house party. Y/N wasn't totally interested but she wanted to be with Eddie.

Eddie was terrified, but he had a plan. He wanted to go on a date somewhere else but his friends forced him to come. He didn't want to cancel with her so he bit the dust and arrived.

He was going to call off the bet with his friends and explain it all to her and hopefully, it would work out.

They walked in and all eyes were on them. Y/N gripped Eddie's hand as she tried to hide his body as they walked through. Everyone took in her small black flowy dress and red lips. She felt pretty and tried to keep her head high.

The night went and Y/N was tasting alcohol for the first time. She was a smart girl but didn't know a limit. She lost Eddie in the crowd, but she was on the path to find him.

She was drunk, stumbling around, and about to do something so stupid.

"So I need to talk to you guys about Y/N." Eddie sighed, the alcohol doing nothing to calm his nerves.

"Seems to be going very well, my man. Gonna hit it soon?" Josh asked, patting Eddie on the shoulder.

"About that-" but he was cut off when a body slid up next to his. He looked down as Y/N slid under his arm and cuddled into his side.

"I want to talk to you" Y/N whispered as she looked up at him. He looked down at her pouty red lips, craving nothing more than to kiss her.

"Alright. Let's go outside" Eddie offered

"I was actually thinking we could talk in the bedroom." She said, her finger trailing down his chest.

His friends whistled and Eddie was quick to grab her hand and walk her away.

"ATTA BOY MUNSON!"

Eddie groaned to himself as he flipped off his friends. Quickly rushing them up to the bedroom so he could confess everything before it was too late.

As they made it into the room, Y/N had more confidence than ever before. She pushed Eddie onto the bed, landing on his lap as she pressed her lips against his.

Eddie moaned as she rocked against his hips, but he had to focus on what was important. He held her hips still and pulled away from the kiss.

"I really need to talk to you," he said, she hummed but moved her lips to his neck.

"Talk to me," she said as she pulled away. He sighed in relief when she got off his lap.

"I need you to kn-" but the words died in his throat as she pushed down her dress. He felt a growl in the back of his throat as he took her in. The black bra and underwear looked amazing against her skin. He felt his cock grow hard as she unhooked her bra, letting it fall to the floor as she walked towards him again.

"Know what?" She whispered as she ran her hands up his thighs.

Eddie felt like he had an angel and devil on his shoulders. One side begging to cave and feel her wrapped around him. But the other side telling him to go any further would be wrong.

Before he could think of picking a side, the door flung open.

Y/N screeched and quickly grabbed the blanket off the bed. Eddie panicked as Josh walked in with a big smirk and a handful of cash in his hand.

"Well well well, Eddie you actually did it."

Eddie felt his blood run cold as he got off the bed. He snatched her dress and bra off the floor and handed it over to her.

"I'll be right back," he said before he harshly shoved Josh out the door.

Y/N was fast to get dressed, clipping on her bra as she immediately became sober. She slipped on her dress and cracked open the door.

"I don't want the fucking money. I want out." Eddie harshly whispered

"Oh come on Eddie. You put like three weeks into this bet, gonna quit now?" Josh scoffed

Y/N felt her stomach turn as she took in the words.

"Fine, you dated her so I'll give you the $300, but you didn't fuck her so you owe me the $200."

"You made a bet about me?" Y/N spoke, her voice cracking as she could feel the tightness in her throat. She opened the door wider, and the two boys froze upon her feet.

Eddie closed his eyes as he felt the world crumbling around him. He opened his eyes and turned to look at her. He felt his heart ache as the tears fell down her cheeks and the betrayed look in her eyes.

"Yes but please let me explain!" Eddie begged, his voice wavering with nerves.

Before she could think, her right hand slapped across his cheek. The sound echoed down the hallway and Josh yelled out to the party. People rushed up the stairs as Y/N stared Eddie down with the most hateful look he had ever seen.

"I can't believe I ever thought you liked me. I fucking hate you." She said through her clenched teeth, hot tears running down her face as she shoved him. She was fast as she pushed through the crowd and raced down and out of the house.

"Y/N! WAIT!" Eddie screamed, feeling the sting on his cheek as he pushed through the crowd.

But by the time he made it out, she was gone.

~~~

He showed up at her house over and over, but she never opened the door.

He had no idea how to make things right but he would die trying.

Monday morning he was off. He stopped by the flower store, picking out the prettiest ones he could find.

He held them in a tight grip as he walked into the building. Half the school was at the party so eyes followed him as he walked to her locker.

She was back to her normal self. Glasses on and her hair up, a sweater on her body, and a skirt on her hips.

"Y/N?" He said gently

"Eddie don't" she sighed as she looked at him

"Please I can explain" he begged

"Explain? Eddie, I'm not an idiot. You don't think I know that people think I'm a joke? I get it, I was a funny target for your popular games. But the game is over so just leave me alone." She said, tears building in her eyes as she walked off to class.

"But you're not a joke! You mean so much more than that!" Eddie said, following behind her and grabbing her arm. She sighed as he stopped her, the eyes of everyone on them. But Eddie didn't care, he was focused on her.

"That doesn't matter. What matters is that you would have never looked my way otherwise. You would have never liked me and you wouldn't have tried to get to know me." She said and walked away.

It hurt but Eddie knew she was right.

~~~

Eddie left her alone for about a week. He wanted to give her time to cry, scream, or whatever she needed to feel. But he didn't give up on her.

It was hard for both of them. He watched her every move throughout school, and she fought hard to never look. She dropped out of tutoring, which he felt would happen. He still worked hard at math, wanting nothing more than to prove their time spent together was for something.

He missed her and she missed him. She still has the bear, she cuddles with it every night. Eddie slept with the moments they had.

Y/N sighed as she walked out of school. It was Friday and she couldn't wait to go home and sleep away everything she felt.

But of course, Eddie stood there at the bike rack

"Eddie" she groaned

"I know. You don't want to talk to me or see me. I respected that for as long as I could. But I need you to know that everything I felt was real. I fell for you." He explained, his eyes pleading for her to stay.

"How can I believe you? How can I look at you the same way? I-I...I'm so hurt, Eddie. I knew getting involved with you was a bad idea. From the first night, when all you did was flirt and try to make me one of those girls. You knew I was fragile, and you used that against me. You toyed me along and made me believe for once I could be someone worthy of someone like you. I had my guard up in the beginning, but you were so sweet-" she got choked up as tears fell down her face. "So sweet that I thought I was the bad guy for thinking so little about you. That maybe you aren't a bad guy and I should see where it goes. But you are that guy Eddie. You are that shallow, selfish, and asshole guy."

"I'm sorry, I know! I'm an asshole, I was selfish. I had bad intentions in mind and you didn't deserve that. But I mean it when I say that you are someone anyone could fall in love with. I've never felt the things I feel for you. The way you make my heart race and the way you make me blush. You make me want to be someone better. I don't want the endless girls and be that guy anymore. I want to be worthy to be with you." Eddie choked out, tears building in his eyes as he made himself vulnerable to her.

She bit her lip as she tried to keep her cries inside. Her heart broke seeing him cry and being so torn up about it.

"That night at the carnival changed everything. We were going out even more after that. All those times together were real. Please just let me fix this." He begged.

"If they didn't walk in, would you have slept with me? Complete the bet?" It was a question she was scared to ask.

"No," he said without a thought, "I was going to tell you that night, I swear. I wanted to tell you at the carnival but then we kissed and every thought I had vanished. Then I was going to tell you at the party, and once you wanted to go further I knew I wouldn't until you knew the truth. No matter how hard it was to think straight when you looked the way you did. But I would never have gone through with it."

Maybe it was a mistake and maybe she'd get burned. But just like the last few weeks, she believed him.

"I'm Y/N, the last guy I liked kinda was an asshole. Think you can make me forget about that?" She asked, a teasing smile on her face as she held out her hand

Eddie wiped his tears and shook her hand. "I'm Eddie. And I'm gonna try my damn best to do so."

And he did. She wanted to go extremely slow. She made them start as friends, slowly trusting him as the months went on. He was patient, in no rush as he worked to be the best for her.

After being friends for three months, she asked him to kiss her. And he gladly did.

Tags!

@bmunson86 @mxcheese @ladymunson @michaelfuckinglangdon @z0mbie-blah @biittersweet @mirrorsstuff @somethingvicked @micheledawn1975 @ago-godance @magnificantmermaid @tlclick73 @hargrovesswifee @cityofidek @silky-luxe @lokiofasgard616 @loving-and-dreaming @eddiemunsonsbitch69 @thegemaqua @ashlynnkennedy @strangerthingsstories5255 @harringt8ns @pleasinghellfire @whoscamila @stusdollface93 @gretavankleep37 @bellaisswagger @arlx @ineedmentalhelp123

#eddie munson x reader #eddie munson #eddie munson fanfic #eddie stranger things #eddie munson x female reader #eddie munson request #eddie munson fluff x reader #eddie munson angst #eddie munson angst x reader #ashwhowrites #popular eddie munson! x nerd reader!

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greenplumbboblover · 7 months ago

Text

[WIP] Lyralei's Pose addon - Part 2

(See previous post: Click me!)

First things first, MASSIVE thanks to @thesweetsimmer111 for all the help to make this work better and sharing her knowledge on Track masks with me (and the world!)

👀 Better Look at (with reactions!)

Maybe it’s just me, but I used to get endlessly frustrated when Sims wouldn’t properly turn their heads to face an item. So, I set out on a little mission to make their head movements more natural! Unfortunately, that didn’t go as planned—turns out EA’s code for the “Look At” feature is completely deprecated and no longer functional.

Knowing I couldn’t just code a fix, I had to explore other approaches. That’s when @thesweetsimmer111 came up with a brilliant solution: blending left, right, up, and down poses to create a more convincing look-at effect! 🎉

(See: Post)

What's different?

Here's the original pose, without Look at turned on....

On the left, we got VA's original look at.

On the right is what Savanita and I came up with! :)

don’t want to make it seem like the original Look At feature was awful—it actually works pretty well in some cases! For example, in this pose, if the plant were on the other side, the difference wouldn’t be that noticeable since her head is already tilted slightly. 😊

(Same layout again: Left = VA's, Right = Me and Savanita's approach)

Plus, maybe you do want something more subtle, then VA's Look at is great!

Anyways! Of course, I couldn't stop there! Now, your sim has a few options of turning towards the object:

(Note, this list will get 10x cooler in the next feature ;D)

This list is what the "trackmasks" are. :)

Okay, let's give "Eyes Only" a try. So, we expect Morgana to ONLY look at the plant, with her eyes.

(Left is before using look at, Right is with look at, and one up for fun-cies)

And, to please @nocturnalazure's wishes, yep! It now accepts Facial Expressions! :D

(I never would've thought I would see Evil Morgana lmao)

🎭Blending Poses/Reactions

After Savanita's amazing idea of using Track Masks, I found out that I can apply that same technique on, well, poses! And this is a feature I'm SUPER proud of (And honestly, it's taken me an entire week to get working 🙃)

First things first, when we choose the interaction, we will first be greeted by our "trackmask" list with all the selections on it

So, I made a few examples to show of what you could do, but in all fairness, it's endless!

Here I chose the option "Both Arms".

Here I chose "Head And Neck". Look! She even has the expression! (Don't worry though, i also have an expression-less version in the making ;))

What about... Animations?!

While blending poses has the ability to also type in your pose names by name, rather than list, you can also use EA's!

The list is pretty long ( believe 200 entries?) but here is a sneak peek:

Though, as far as I've been able to tell, EA reactions aren't as flexible, where I can tell it to only use the arms, or the eyes. Instead, we got these options:

So, unless I found a way to get around it, this is the only way to do it.

But without further ado....

Here I used the same pose(left) as the last 2 pictures, but with "OverlayHead". And chose "Boo"

(I just realised it looks like she is about to get hit by a ball lol)

🕰️ History List

The Add-on now remembers your pose history!

Whether you’re a dedicated “Pose by Name” user or prefer the simplicity of “Show by List”, both options now display your pose history for quick reference.

Note: Each Sim has their own individual history list. This means you’ll only see the pose history for Sim X when clicking on them, and not for Sim Y.

📓What's up next?

Adding all the trackmask. (I still need add the hands and legs ones)

Adding an in-game Category maker, so you don't have to edit the XML. It will mean you need to replace the XML file in S3PE yourself. But I can always make a quick How-To for guidance 😉

(Note to self) Optimize the Categorisation code. It's currently taking 1 minute up from the loading screen 😬)

Fixing some minor bugs where Look at will still turn the sim's head back to it's original position.

Fixing some issues where Blending poses with certain track masks aren't working well or at all.

Fixing an issue where the dialogs can crash the whole game (woops!)

Sooo, I think a release date is pretty soon! I think within a week :)

Any VA Addon Bug Fixes?

Of course! It's the mod that inspired me to make stories, and even get to make this mod! I couldn't just... leave it to collect dust while it's other child mod is getting all the attention. :p

Changelog:

There is now an interaction that uses both look at & reaction simultaneously. (In case you don't want to use my look at interaction).

Fixed an issue where reactions would sometimes or never show on the sim.

Fixed an issue where using "Random Quick Poses" would occasionally show a breathing sim, doing nothing.

Fixed an issue where certain poses get called twice, making it harder to keep reactions or even look at history data.

Some minor code changes that aren't worth mentioning honestly.

#the sims 3 #ts3 #sims 3 #the sims #sims #ts3 simblr #lyralei's pose addon #sims 3 wip #ts3 wip #the sims 3 wip #wip

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defectivevillain · 9 months ago

Text

those who fall

pairing: Hannibal Lecter/Reader (can be platonic or romantic)

reader's race and gender are ambiguous; no pronouns or physical descriptors are used.

summary: “What’s your name?” you ask your companion. “Hannibal,” he responds. The man doesn’t look the slightest bit malnourished, despite your predicament. Either he’s new here, or he’s been able to keep his hunger satiated. “Hannibal,” you repeat, taking note of his vaguely European accent. “That’s a strange name.” Hannibal just blinks. The man looks almost expressionless, but you can see a hint of irritation at the edges of his faux smile.

word count: 3k | ao3 version

warnings: canon-typical blood and violence, death, suicide, cannibalism, gore, suicidal ideation/self-harm. Emphasis on the cannibalism — both willing and non-consensual cannibalism. Mentions of throwing up/vomiting.

author's notes: Happy spooky pride! (I'm being told it's also called Halloween...? Weird.) Here’s a really fucked up fic. :3

If y’all haven’t watched The Platform, here’s the trailer, which should explain things. I’ve also attempted to write an explanation, but it’s long and bad. Here it is anyways, in case you don’t want to watch the trailer:

There is a vertical prison system that stretches more than 300 levels down. Each floor houses two people, and there’s a large hole in the middle to accommodate a table. Each day, a single table starts at Floor 0 and makes a stop at each floor. The table is loaded with a ton of dishes for a large and extravagant meal. Floor 1 gets the table for a short time before it drops to Floor 2. So on and so forth. People aren’t allowed to take things from the table to save for later, so it’s a scramble to eat enough to keep them nourished until the next day. They’re all eating from the same table, so as the floors get lower, there’s less and less food left. Inhabitants stay on their floor for one month, before they’re exposed to gas and moved to a different floor for another month. Basically, the lower the floor, the less likely you’ll be to get any food. In theory, if each person ate only their own ration, the food might last. But some people are greedy, wasteful, etc... A floor below 100 is virtually a death sentence, because that means 200 people pick at the food before you get to.

heed the warnings listed above before reading!

You wake up, blinking away the traces of a gas-induced sleep. It’s the beginning of the month, which means you’ve been transported to another floor in the facility. Groaning, you blink blearily, only to find someone staring down at you. You flinch and get up, hoping he’ll move away. But he continues looming over you, looking at you with a scrutinizing gaze.

“You must be my new roommate,” he says emotionlessly.

“How’d you wake up so fast?” you respond, squinting at the daylight seeping through the room. Typically, the gas is strong enough to leave you knocked out for at least twelve hours. But this man is already awake, and there’s no telling how long he’s been standing before you, watching you. The thought unnerves you.

He just shrugs in lieu of a response to your question. You take a deep breath and turn towards the far wall, dread coiling in your chest as your eyes find the number of the floor you’re on: 139. Fuck. You’ve never been this low before. You had the 76th floor last month and the 23rd the month before that, then 87, 6, and 53. You had no idea the floors went down past 100; all you knew was that you’d be getting a new roommate this month, in light of your past roommate’s death.

Floor 139 is practically a death sentence. You’d normally be able to fast thirty days, but you spent all of last month fasting at Floor 76. (You didn’t have much of a choice, as the food never made it down to you in the first place.) You push yourself to your feet and walk near the center of the space, glancing down only to find more floors stretching down as far as the eye can see. There are dozens—maybe hundreds—of people beneath you. You want to throw up.

“You look frightened,” your new roommate remarks, breaking you out of your spiraling thoughts. You glance at him, unable to hide your irritation.

“Of course I am,” you snap, beginning to pace around the edge of the hole in the floor. “The food will never make it down this far.”

“How do you know?” he hums. There’s a knowing smile on his face, as if he wants you to concede and utter the words aloud.

“The food didn’t even make it down to level 87,” you recall, shaking your head as you try to fight off memories of an aching stomach and a debilitating weakness anchoring you to your bed. “And we’re fifty-two levels beneath that.”

Silence. You swallow hard and try to maintain your composure. Panicking won’t do you any good. And you definitely don’t trust this stranger enough to show him any sort of emotional vulnerability. You bite the inside of your cheek and think for several minutes. “What’s your name?” You later ask your companion.

“Hannibal,” he responds. He takes another step backwards and light falls on his face, revealing a chiseled facial structure, brown-grey hair, and glimmering brown eyes. The man doesn’t look the slightest bit malnourished, despite your predicament. Either he’s new here, or he’s been able to keep his hunger satiated.

“Hannibal,” you repeat, taking note of his vaguely European accent. “That’s a strange name.” Hannibal just blinks. The man looks almost expressionless, but you can see a hint of irritation at the edges of his faux smile.

“How’d you lose your roommate?” you continue determinedly, desperate for some information on this guy. Something about him unsettles you. It must be the unbothered way with which he analyzes your surroundings, as if you hadn’t both just been given a finite expiration date.

Hannibal studies you for a long moment. “You don’t want the answer to that question.” He eventually answers. A shiver rolls down your spine.

“You killed them,” you realize aloud.

“And ate them,” he confirms casually. Your heart starts thudding quickly in your chest. You pretend not to be affected by his confession. Internally, you’re scared for your life. To think that you’d survived months of starvation, only to die at the hands of another human? “What happened to your roommate?” Hannibal continues, before you can truly collect your thoughts.

“They jumped,” you remember to say, the taste of bile climbing up your throat. There’s no need for further explanation.

“Ah.” A tense quiet descends on the air once more, and the two of you spend the seemingly countless hours before the table’s arrival in silence.

When you finally hear the telltale whirring of the table above, your stomach growls. You need food rather desperately—especially after not receiving any legitimate nutrition last month. Your hands are shaky; your vision is blurry; and your legs feel as if they’ll cave in at any moment.

The glassware rattles and the table sinks down to your floor. Hannibal and you both look at the remnants of the meal from above, only to find plates licked clean and glasses entirely empty. As you expected, there is nothing left for you to eat: not even a crumb or bone.

There is, however, a man crouched on the table. He stares ahead with blank eyes, as if he doesn’t even see either of you. You look at him for a few moments, immediately promising yourself not to get any closer. In this place, vulnerability is weakness. You’ve seen it happen before: someone will extend a helpful hand to another person, only to be stabbed through the back in the same breath. There is no saving anyone here. You are all destined for death, regardless of when it may come.

Hannibal regards the new arrival for several seconds, before quickly reaching out and grabbing his collar, yanking him off the table and onto the pavement. You watch in disbelief as Hannibal brandishes a knife—when in the hell did he get that?—and stabs him several times. Your roommate’s ferocity ensures the man’s death. Calmly, Hannibal drags the corpse by the ankles until it’s closer to the walls.

Then, he sinks his knife into the body’s skin. The victim, unsurprisingly, doesn’t so much as flinch. The knife pierces the skin of his chest and Hannibal sinks his hand into the cavity, gripping the entrails and pulling them out with practiced precision. He gets to his feet, holding the liver in his hand. You watch in silent horror as his head turns and his gaze finds you, his eyes trained on you even as he raises the organ to his mouth and begins eating.

Your stomach turns in disgust and revulsion. You’ve survived months of fasting—you never ate another human, despite the earsplitting screams from above and below indicating that several other inhabitants did. Even though you know you need to eat, the thought of tearing into that corpse is enough to make your appetite disappear. You quickly turn your head and clamp a hand over your mouth, before raising it to cover both your nose and mouth. The scent is enough to make you nearly hurl. You close your eyes and pretend you’re somewhere else—anywhere else, but trapped on this floor with a cannibal.

Your ears are ringing at the confirmation that Hannibal is a seasoned killer. This was not his first kill, and it likely won’t be his last. There is a very good chance you’ll be his next meal. Fear pulsing through your veins, you manage to pull your knees close to your chest and close your eyes. The cool metal of your lighter grounds you to this horrible moment, this stiff and unfeeling air.

If you had known just what horrors you would be subjected to, you would’ve chosen a different object to bring. Maybe you would’ve even chosen a weapon to protect yourself or a form of entertainment. But your naive self chose a lighter—not even for smoking, but just to watch the flickering flame. Your finger now twitches to bring the flame to your skin, but you resist the urge. There is enough pain and suffering here without your own self-inflicted torture.

It is hard to sleep that night. Your thoughts are buzzing too loudly. It takes a while for your eyelids to slip shut, and once the table comes rocketing by, you shudder awake and have to fall asleep once more. When you finally succumb to slumber, your dreams are distorted and cryptic.

The weird sensation of something in your mouth pulls you from slumber. You open your eyes to find Hannibal standing over you, the crimson light casting shadows across his face. You instinctively want to belch at the foreign material, but Hannibal’s hand is secured firmly over your mouth. You immediately catch on to what he’s doing: he’s feeding you some of the corpse’s meat.

You try to fight back—attempting to shove him off—but his grip is too strong and you’re weakened by hunger and lack of sleep. You’re forced to chew, unless you want to choke and die. A shudder runs through your entire body as you chew, disgusted with the texture. The taste of iron and copper runs through your mouth; the smell alone is enough to make you gag. After what feels like far too long, you manage to swallow.

Satisfied, Hannibal steps away—and you immediately fall off your bed and to the floor, stumbling to the sink to drink some water and flush the organ down. “Fuck you,” you spit at him, wiping your mouth with the back of your hand. It comes back bloody, and you take extra effort to scrub your face clean. Hannibal doesn’t seem to be affected by the insult. Rather, he’s wearing an understanding smile on his face—and you’re growing more and more overtaken with the urge to punch that look off his face. You clench the faucet with an increasingly tight grip, until there are bolts of pain sliding through your fingers.

“You will thank me soon,” Hannibal remarks, staring at you. You can see his heated gaze in the cracked mirror before you. It’s clear what he’s trying to say: if you don’t eat, you will die.

“I won’t,” you say numbly, your heart roaring in your ears. “You should’ve left me alone.” Your voice breaks at the end of that sentence; if Hannibal notices, he doesn’t comment on it. Instead, he only looks at you imploringly.

“You need proper nourishment,” Hannibal maintains.

You hiss and walk back to your bed, turning to the side so you don’t have to look at him. You’re not foolish enough to turn your back on him—not when you know just what he can do. You don’t want to indulge his murderous sensibilities. You spend the rest of the day split between seething and suppressing the urge to throw up.

When night falls, Hannibal goes to sleep. You only pretend. When you hear the steady rise and fall of his breathing, you push yourself up quietly and sit on your bed. You will not fall asleep tonight. You don’t want a repeat of last night.

Despite your quiet movements, it doesn’t take Hannibal long to notice that you’ve shifted. “You’re not sleeping,” he says aloud, admittedly startling you as the uneasy silence across the space is broken. When you comprehend his remark, you can’t stop the wry laugh that falls from your lips.

“I don’t trust you,” you respond candidly. There’s no point in pretending otherwise.

Hannibal lets out a strange noise. It takes you a few moments to realize that he’s just laughing. “If I wanted to kill you, I would’ve done it already,” he then says. “You are… the least insufferable of my companions so far.”

You blink in the near darkness. “Thanks,” you say dryly. That statement isn’t reassuring in the slightest. You don’t want to wake up to find him forcing organs down your throat again. The thought sends a renewed wave of nausea through you, and it takes you several moments of measured breathing to fight it off.

Eventually, you fall asleep. You can only fight off the exhaustion for so long, and if you’re not eating, then you definitely need to be resting to conserve energy.

You wake the next morning breathing hard, expecting to see Hannibal looming over you. But he’s only sitting on his bed, regarding you with a blandly amused look. It appears he won’t be forcing you to consume human entrails again.

But little do you know, Hannibal doesn’t have to force you next time.

It’s been sixteen days since that horrible night. Sixteen days without food. Your body has grown incredibly weak. You can barely push yourself up to get to the faucet across the room. Speaking takes too much energy. Most of the time, you just lie on your bed and stare at some point in the distance, losing yourself in memories long gone.

You can’t find the energy to waste on getting angry. Instead, you’re just… empty. The movement of the table is the only thing that helps you discern the time. The corpse Hannibal took all those days ago has since become a rotted pile. Neither of you have seen anything resembling food on the table. The people above are merciless. They eat the rations of several people; they spit on everything in reach.

You don’t bother to look up at the table’s arrival today. There will be nothing for you to eat. And indeed, when you finally drag your eyes over, there is only glassware and silverware… scattered around a person in the center. They sit cross-legged and stare ahead with that similar unseeing expression from the man all those days ago.

You don’t need to watch to know what happens next: Hannibal drags them onto the pavement, brandishes his knife, and kills them. He dissects them with the mercy of a disinterested scientist, before sparing you a simple look. There’s a single drop of blood carving a path down his lips. Hannibal wipes it away.

You extend a hand wordlessly.

Hannibal stares at you, a complex emotion passing over his face as quick as lightning. He places a bloodied chunk in your palm. The crimson stain spreads across your skin. You look down at it and feel… nothing. There’s an echo of disgust and horror, perhaps. But beyond that, you’re an empty shell. This place has changed you. Emotions do not survive here—instinct does. And your instincts tell you that you need food.

Minutes later, the gnawing pain in your stomach has subsided and there’s the horrifically familiar taste of iron settling on your tongue. You swallow hard and slowly push yourself to your feet, mechanically walking over to the sink and getting some water to wash it all down. Your hands are shaking but you manage to satisfy your thirst. Turning the faucet off with shaking hands, you lean against the wall and sink down into a sitting position.

There’s dried blood on your hands. It doesn’t matter that you washed it away—you can still see it. It haunts you, even when the night arrives and the floor is drenched in crimson light. You’ve since migrated to your bed, but you can’t get yourself to move from your sitting position and lie down. You can’t give yourself comfort. You don’t deserve it—not after what you’ve done.

You’re not sure how long you sit silently, watching the darkness settle and fade into a dusky light. There’s a persistent pain in your back and your cuticles are picked open, yet these sensations fade to obscurity when you remember the meal you just willingly consumed. You had no choice seventeen days ago. You can’t say the same for yesterday.

There’s an uncomfortable wetness clinging to your cheeks and eyelashes. You’re crying, you realize. It’s been a while since you’ve cried, even with all the horrors you’ve witnessed here. You shakily wipe at your tears, but they keep falling. Falling prey to the burning in your throat, you bury your head in your bent knees and struggle for breath.

At some point, there’s a hand on your back. You’re so exhausted that you don’t even flinch, because you can’t seem to muster up the energy. Your body is wracked with chills and phantom shivers as you try to comprehend just who is offering you comfort. The same person who kills others with ease and feasts on their remains… is wrapping an arm around your shoulders and sitting on your bed next to you.

You don’t have the strength to push Hannibal away. You lack the strength and fortitude to do so. Hannibal is the only human contact you will have, if you continue living. You don’t have a choice—if you want to maintain your sanity, you’re forced to cave into the loneliness screaming behind the confines of your rib cage. That’s what you tell yourself as you reluctantly begin to relax in his hold. You cling to him with increasing desperation. Hannibal’s hand rises to the nape of your neck, cradling your head in what feels like an intimate gesture.

You can’t stop the sobs crawling out of your throat.

You want to assign Hannibal the blame. But you know it’s not that simple. He didn’t put you in this prison system; he is nothing more than another participant: one with the courage to keep themself alive, at any cost. Perhaps you should be more like him.

…It’s a chilling thought.

You have never been so desperate for answers, inside bleak cement walls that give you nothing except more questions. The sparkling silverware; the gleaming glassware; the callous cruelty of those above; the painful plight of those below. There is no solidarity or community amongst the people in these walls: only the concepts of superior and inferior… and the fallen. Those who have been above, have savored without suffering… only fall from grace and stumble into starvation’s relentless grip once more.

Your tongue recognizes the taste of copper; your hands the crimson stain that becomes a murky brown as time passes. You have fallen. And of one thing, you are certain: you will never rise again.

thanks for reading! <3

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