#LOTR Humor

[mamoru-chiba-ua]

[silmarillion-ways-to-die]

The Kinslaying at Aqualondë, a play in one act

Actors enter

Olwë: Oh hello! It's Fëanor, a really nice guy who has never done anything bad. How can I help you?

Fëanor: I want your swan ships.

Olwë: Sorry, we never lend out our swan ships.

Fëanor: Then we'll rent them.

Olwë: We don't do that either.

Fëanor: We'll buy them then.

Olwë: We don't sell our swan ships. Tell you what. We'll teach you to make your own.

Fëanor: I don't want to fucking make my own.

Olwë: [embarrassed silence]

Olwë: You're really good at making stuff. You should make your own ships. But not swans. That's our thing.

Fëanor: [fuming]

Olwë: I mean, you could pick a different bird. How about raven ships? You seem like a raven kind of guy.

Fëanor: I have to find my shiny rocks. Give me the swan ships. I promise not to set them on fire.

Olwë: That's... oddly specific.

Fëanor: Look, I'm sorry, I'm just going to have to kill you.

[stabs Olwë]

Olwë: Well, that escalated quickly.

Fëanor: Now look what you made me do.

Olwë: Strewth! [dies]

Enter Mandos

Mandos: [to Fëanor] You done fucked up.

Fëanor: Shut up. This will work out fine.

Exeunt

[frodothefair]

[winwin17]

"average person does one kind deed per day" factoid actually just statistical error. Elrond Half-Elven, who lives in Rivendell and is as kind as summer, is a statistical outlier adn should not have been counted.

[ariesintheshire]

Aragorn: “Let’s hunt some orc.”

Legolas: *Already stretching*

Gimli: *Foaming at the mouth*

Me in bed in my pajamas: “Let’s”

[entishramblings]

guys I’m shrieking….

so, I’m watching Boromir’s death on YouTube so I can get wording correct for a fic I’m writing

and the closed captioning is just so wrong…..

“peas”

———BE AT PEAS SON OF GONDOR!!

P E A S

P E A S

[silme-lorien]

when is legolas finding the time to braid his hair. like i know that shit got fucked up after every battle. imagine boromir getting increasingly annoyed at legolas for doing his hair every morning and gimli and aragorn defending him because they know the importance of hair/braids to elves

[pflugy17]

[vildo]

[frodo-with-glasses]

In the spirit of the “picnic of hobbits” post—and with the help of the genius mind of @redbootsindoriath—I give you MORE funny group names for the various races in Middle Earth:

A stone of dwarves

A dirt of Rangers

A yeehaw of Rohirrim

A keg (or suspicion) of Breelanders

A gumption of Gondorians

A desolation of Laketowners

A murder of elves (Silmarillion)

A song of elves (The Hobbit)

A contemplation of elves (LotR)

A troll of goblins

A gobblin’ of trolls

A staff meeting of wizards

And you might think that a group of ents is called a “moot”, but there’s actually a different term that I would tell you if it wasn’t incredibly long and impossible to pronounce

[curiouselleth]

FALL, FALL INTO BED RIDERS OF THEODEN,

SWEET DREAMS AWAIT: OF ELVES AND JOY!

BLANKETS SHALL BE LAID, PILLOWS SHALL BE FLUFFED,

LET THE BLANKETS BE DRAWN BACK, THE ALARMS TURNED OFF!

FORTH, EORLINGAS!

FALL, FALL INTO BED RIDERS OF THEODEN,

PEACEFUL REST AWAITS: HOBBITS AND HOPE!

CURTAINS SHALL BE DRAWN, BLANKETS SHALL BE TUCKED,

A COZY TIME, A SLEEPY TIME, UNTIL THE SUN RISESSSSSSSSS!

SLEEP NOW! SLEEP NOW! SLEEP FOR GONDOR!

SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

credit to @maellor, who inspired this by refusing, once again, to go to bed at a reasonable time. and possibly at all I think this is some of my best work.

[animezinglife]

Gandalf/everyone: War is no place for hobbits.

Samwise Gamgee, Gardener [in Mordor]:

[silmarillion-ways-to-die]

Bilbo Baggins of Bag End, Bagshot Row, Hobbiton, The Shire has a clock on his mantlepiece.

Nobody else in Middle Earth has clocks, outside The Shire and Bree. No clocks are mentioned in Gondor. They certainly don't have them in Rohan. Elrond doesn't announce the start of the Council of Elrond by saying "oh look at the time." Only Hobbits have clocks.

Only Hobbits have mills. Laketown has all that water and no mills. Erebor has a stream coming out of the entrance, where's the mill? What about Thranduil's halls, they have a river running through them, where's the mill?

The Hobbits of The Shire don't wear medieval clothing. It's all waistcoats and jackets—19th Century clothing. They might as well be wearing spacesuits!

And don't get me started on tobacco. Nobody in medieval Europe had tobacco.

Everyone in Middle Earth lives in the Middle Ages except the Hobbits. They're Victorian.

They're from The Future.

THE LORD OF THE RINGS IS A SCIENCE FICTION BOOK.

[despicabledee]

Gandalf: *exhales a hit of that good good shire dank*

Fuck what if the dark lord return?

[winwin17]

"average spider eats 3 orcs a year" factoid actually just statistical error. Average spider eats 0 orcs per year. Shelob, who lives in Cirith Ungol and eats 100 orcs per year, is an outlier adn should not have been counted.

[ariesintheshire]

You must be a Hobbit meal, because I want you for breakfast, second breakfast, elevenses, luncheon, afternoon tea, dinner, and supper.