#Like...AND ID LITERALLY BEEN REMINDING MYSELF ALL WEEK!

[vvventrue]

Right as I pulled into campus I realized I forgot my fucking calculator...here's to hoping they aren't overpriced at the student center...

[nabi-unveiled]

With each rewatch of When It Rains, It Pours, I had become increasingly uncomfortable. A question had begun to plague me.

How did I miss it?

It's no secret that I've been in the "don't trust Fujisawa" camp for a while. But I felt bad for him during the early episodes. After all, it really is a nightmare situation for him too. Why did it take me until my THIRD watch of ep4 to fully convince myself of Fujisawa's nature?

Missing sounds? Not a surprise.

But COMPLETELY missing something that's literally GLARING at me? Not even having it on my radar? That's unusual.

I always have multiple theories and numerous potential scenarios running in my head. It's not like I was watching this series casually.

And make no mistake - the man's been glaring since episode 1. It wasn't constant, but the glaring is not a new development.

Even Fujisawa's words have never been subtle.

So how did I miss it? Why did it take me so long?

I realized the answer yesterday, and I don't like it.

I missed the signs, because I was trained to miss them.

I see these dynamics all the time in my community. And when you see something all the time, you begin to notice it less.

Being uncomfortable with sex?

Growing up ensconced in purity culture means I know A LOT of people with very complex relationships with sex.

Some want it but would NEVER dare talk about it.

Some see it as something shameful.

Some see it as something to be feared.

It's what happens when you're constantly told libido is a swamp.

So this...

I didn't see it as a problem beyond them wanting different things. Either Fujisawa was ace or had issues with sex. He had been open about it with Sei, and he was doing the best he could.

This is fine as long as both parties are content. But Fujisawa is controlling and manipulative. Note the "bars" in the picture above.

Matching your partner's preferences?

I was taught catering to my partner's commands was an expectation. It was required to be a "good" partner. So this....

At one point WAS me. And even if I don't obey the rules anymore, I still see this type of "consideration" in most relationships around me.

IT'S NOT HEALTHY.

Consideration should not mean self-sacrifice.

At one point I thought, "Well, it's Sei's choice."

And that's true. But I know better than to fall for that logic.

It ignores his trauma.

It ignores his low self-esteem.

It ignores his fear of being left alone.

It ignores the difficulty of leaving those you care about and the life you know.

It ignores the manipulation.

Because this type of statement? It's tricky. It can be completely innocuous. But it can also be controlling, and a lot of that comes down to the power dynamics of the relationship.

Fujisawa holds the power here. He HAS been controlling and trying to manipulate Sei. I questioned last week what the purpose was of the editor if Fujisawa wasn't having an affair. However, it became clear when watching for the sizzle. Sei says he will go to the party and Fujisawa IMMEDIATELY says "I'll introduce you to my editor."

The unspoken words are if you don't go to the party. Mentioning the editor was a manipulation tactic. A subtle one, but it was there.

I give Sei credit. He went to the party. He kept emailing Hagiwara. He pushes back on occasion. He doesn't always follow commands.

But well.... damn.

I thought I could at least recognize when my raising was influencing interpretations. I thought I had worked through those issues.

So thanks When it Rains for reminding me not to forget my ID.

I sure as hell don't plan on getting trapped in that room again.

Break out Sei. It's not easy, but BREAK OUT.

There's a beautiful world waiting.

[our-queer-experience]

Okay this might be kind of long but i need to know if anyone else has experienced something similar. uhh Content warning for internalized transphobia/homophobia I guess

So basically I'm transmasc nonbinary and for the longest time I've thought of myself as a lesbian, and I've always been very uncomfortable with the idea of being with a guy, even before I knew I was queer at all. And like, I definitely am at least predominantly attracted to women, i don't usually find men attractive at all.

But recently I've started to really like this guy in a way that's pretty confusing since I already have a hard time distinguishing between romantic and platonic attraction. But also sometimes when I think about it too much it just feels so wrong and makes me uncomfortable.

I've struggled a lot with gender dysphoria and self acceptance related to being trans and I'm not sure if the discomfort is picturing myself with a cis guy makes me feel like id be the de-facto girl of the relationship (I realize what a weird thought that is but it has been also been a feeling I've experienced a lot in the past, note the aforementioned self acceptance issues.) Or if I'm feeling insecure about my masculinity in some way. He's bi and very accepting of my gender so it's not like he would only see me as a girl or anything but it still just feels wrong and icky somehow

Also it reminds me a bit of stories of people in denial about their sexuality like I've literally had the thought many times of if he was a girl I would totally want to date him no hesitation. so idk.

But it could also be that I'm just not actually attracted to him? Cause i love my friends very intensely and it could be that thinking about being romantically involved with him makes me uncomfortable because I'm not actually attracted to him, and i actually just really love him platonically? And also I'm usually only attracted to women so the fact that the only exception to that is someone I already really care about as a friend seems kind of suspicious?

Labels aren't really my concern here idgaf about what my sexuality is called I just feel like its so messy that I cant actually tell if i actually like him or not. because if i do actually want to like ask him out or something and then realize I'm not actually attracted to him that would be a fucking nightmare, especially since i really care about our friendship already.

TLDR: I cant tell if im not attracted to men or the thought of being with one just makes me feel really insecure about my gender. Has anyone else felt like being trans and dysphoria made understanding their sexuality and attraction really confusing???

i completely get this! im bisexual and have always been confident in my attraction to guys (minus maybe 2 weeks as a preteen when i wondered about lesbianism) but for me it comes with the sense that ill probably end up settling down with a woman because that is the way to Be A Man, and i cant be The Man when around another guy. masculinity is so competitive and while im aware of it, that makes it not easier to defeat, but easier to not be toxic and project it onto other people.

i think its the kind of thing that gets better with time and confidence. nothing you can rush. as for with your friend…. giving it time and thinking on it cant hurt. human relationships are really hard. knowing how you feel is really hard. i cant tell you what will fix your situation, but i can tell you that youre not alone.

[reorientation]

okay nothing in this world has ever made me flood with need the way seeing my asks linked and tagged as 'respect anon' did. little update - ive been getting railed so often (11 times total now since mid november) that i have a bruised cervix. it hurts in such a delicious way, makes me hyperaware of what i am, almost feels reminiscent of cramps.

my original hookup ive now seen six times, and he wants to see me once a week minimum. the way he murmurs "good girl" so encouragingly to me, his strength, and the insanely erotic feeling of him breeding me, have all bewitched me. the texture of semen exploding into a wet cunt is so unique and im obsessed, its a different consistency from my own wetness, so i can always feel the exact moment hes fucking his sperm into my fertile body, even when i dont feel him throbbing through it (which i usually can).

other than him, ive fucked four other guys in the last month. each and every one of them came in me bare. i hoped a few times would sate me but if anything its fanning the flames. on my neediest day i had three guys come over one after another to fill me, the first was my original guy, and the other two were completely random, and they all treated me so perfectly honestly.

the third one in particular fulfilled my need to have a real man coax me into admitting my real name, he fucked me hard and fast and used his filthy tongue to slip into my subconscious mind and loosen my inhibitions until he got it out of me. then he used it over and over again while he fucked a baby into me, slapped my well-bred pussy till i begged him to stop, then held me so tightly. i felt so dazed and safe and feminine in his arms.

it feels so good to have a man respect me enough to give me what i really need, especially when im being brave enough to ask for something i was so afraid to even acknowledge about myself. and it especially feels good when he looks right into my eyes while pounding me and reminding me of the truth.

fuck sorry for multiple asks i literally just cannot stop thinking about being dubbed 'respect anon' its driving me crazy. i can feel my pulse everywhere, but it seems to pool in the places that make me a woman: my clit, my pussy lips, my aching dripping vagina, and my breasts. i can feel my pulse in my fucking nipples. and also usually my temples but thats off theme.

i cant get over how good it feels to be fucked. i never in a million years expected how endlessly perfect it would be, ive found partners that emanate joy together with me and its so much fun and so erotic. the original guy in particular, just takes so much joy in fixing me and in enjoying my cunt, i often end up watching the filthy reactions on his face as he watches my pussy clench around him. he watches us join together as one, my cunt singing with pleasure, i always ask him if theres anything else i can do for him and he almost always says "lay back and take it." like, yes sir!

once i was riding him and his hands were clenching my hips tight, i love riding because it makes my breasts bounce and heave so deliciously. he was staring at them, i was moaning like a bitch in heat feeling him stretch me out in an angle we dont normally do, and suddenly he looked me in the eye and said "you have a womans body." swear if id been on my back i would have orgasmed right then and there. he sometimes goes back and forth in what gendered terms he uses and it keeps my mind spinning with confusion and desperation. we are both bi and im pretty sure our current dynamic is heaven for us both.

there are so many filthy details i want to share with you. feels like i could babble all day about the things that have happened, but it all boils down to this: im a woman, obsessed with taking cock, finally letting herself enjoy some wonderful company, and it wont be long until im the sluttiest pregnant girl grindr has ever seen, hahahah.

respect anon back with one last thought because ive been obsessively rereading your two responses to me so far. when i begged him to refeminize me, "it doesn't even sound like he was surprised." nope! in fact he laughed at me, he laughed and said "fuuck yes." in that moment, i knew that he had already known, and was waiting to see if id admit it. with him, i have this manic energy where i come off completely insane over text, and his steady energy only serves to wind me up more. i think he knew id cave and beg to be detransitioned, my pics are all pretty high femme and lets just say im not ever subtle about my femininity.

the weird thing is, i only have that manic energy with him. i dont know if its because hes genuinely the hottest guy ive ever met, or because he took my virginity, or because he succeeded in breaking my mind. but the other guys ive slept with, while they blow my mind and show me what im for, i dont make such a fool of myself to them.

genuinely with him i have lost all semblance of self-respect and it proves right everything he has ever whispered into my ear.

(Previously)

All that fun you've been having, going from being a virgin to getting inseminated by five different men within a couple months - and nothing ever made you flood like my tagging system? I'm very flattered, Anon! A bit bemused, but flattered.

So much to speak to here, but one part I truly love is that your new life as a woman started with the first man to use your pussy laughing at you. Like your whole identity as a man had been one long joke you were telling, and you'd finally gotten to the punchline.

That's what real respect looks like for you, isn't it, Anon? A man who'll wait for you to finish telling the joke before he laughs.

And the man who made you tell him your real name while he fucked you full of cum... There's a pleasing symmetry to that. He got something out of you and put something into you. He learned what they called you when you were born, and maybe gave you a baby to call your own.

Which is what you're made for, after all. Your body never stops reminding you of that, whether it's with the pain of a bruised cervix or your blood pulsing in your swollen nipples or the unstoppable pleasure of taking a man's cum in your womb. It's little wonder that you've come so far since getting fucked for the first time, little lady: your body was just waiting for the chance to start.

[cyberbabyangell]

₊˚⊹☆ sorens formula

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HELLO.

jst wanted to try out the biggest text sorry

lately ive been focusing on the void and waking up there every morning, because with school i cant rlly actively attempt to go there awake anymore. just during the weekends. so here's everything i do, not only void related but also jst shifting and manifesting wise.

ᡣ𐭩ྀིྀི goals : shift in seconds, enter the void every time i wake up, have the 3d bend to my will more easily

. ݁₊ ⊹ morning: i get ready for school, as painful as it is. this is when i like to remind myself of stuff the most, like how i shift in seconds and stuff. i usually have something in the background like a show or subliminals depending on how i feel. in the shower is where i start visualising my dr a lot. random thought but this is literally my last year of school in this reality and i swear im feeling smth 😭

. ݁₊ ⊹ school: on my way i daydream a lot. i daydream hours per day and its not rlly something i can control BUT i have been trying to lately, and have it 50/50 like daydreaming half the way and affirming the second half or daydreaming on the bus and affirming when i walk. during class, if the teachers allow it i put on calm songs that i'd put in the innerspace and visualise myself studying there. during launch i listen to stuff for the void :P whenever i find myself bored at school with a notebook laying around i write down my robotic affirmations.

. ݁₊ ⊹ afternoon: i put on void affirmations (no music) because i automatically repeat them when i hear them :D and i add a morphic field with that. its usually layered (field in one tab and affirmations in the other) but i also like to listen to the field after the affirmations. usually the field triggers physical symptoms like motion sickness, slight headache, shivers/goosebumps and stuff so i dont like listening to it more than 3 times. then i take a break and do whatever. at some point ill put on my void playlist and lay on my bed and affirm. if i finished school hyper early or its the weekend i do enter the void awake! but i like waking up in it better.

. ݁₊ ⊹ night: i put on a shifting reprogramming sub! to remind myself that i shift effortlessly and in seconds. at first id listen to any subliminal so i could give my subconscious the "choice" of either waking up in my dr or in the void, but i narrowed it to changing my shifting mindset while i focus on the void. i check the formula to make sure they dont include immediate shifts/waking up there 😾

. ݁₊ ⊹ manifestation: this is something i do throughout the day without much thought, its been a week and a half honestly and im already used to it. like, first of all every time someone pisses me off i try to not let it get to me and i instantly tell myself, "It's 3D stuff, it won't matter for too long." and since i talk to myself a lot about shifting, i have the occasion to persist! so to remind myself "Only my 4D matters, I'm already in the innerspace, I already shift whenever i want" blablabla. i also have a vision board

the stuff i listen to!!

these two usually once or twice a day! ↑

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this ↑ playlist contains classic void subliminals, a void morphic field and a self-hypnosis! ive been doing the self hypnosis for 5 days now :3 its what i listen to when i lay down and affirm.

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↑ this is what i listen to at night, with a morphic field :D usually the same one as above lol.

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↑ these are all manifestation subs, i used to listen to them but i dont wanna overload my subconscious :3 and also i dont need them anymore because i keep manifesting naturally 🫶 i jst dont gatekeep ദ്ദി(｡•̀ ,<)~✩

" what works for me may not work for you, but that doesn't mean you can't explore! and listen to your gut! "

˚　　　　✦　　　.　　. 　 ˚　.　　　　　 . ✦　　　 　˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔

　　　.   　　˚　　 　　*　　 　　✦　　　.　　.　　　✦　˚ 　　　　 ˚　.˚　　　　✦　　　.　　. 　 ˚　.　　　　 　　 　　　　 ੈ✧̣̇˳·˖✶ ✦　　

[qoldenskies]

A little tid bit of dumping, but I just gotta say your brain is so big. Like, I can understand your symbolism when you explain it, and I can kind of follow you when you talk about your headcanons of certain character dynamics, but gosh, I'm realizing how hard it is for me to process most of what you say.

Like, I feel so connected to your way of thinking because I can be like that too. I'm a fellow passionate analysiser and a sucker for deep character writing and unraveling the depths of characters.

But man, call it brainrot or brain damage (I have some lol), but I am incapable of using my brain like yours. Like, symbolism is actually such a big can of worms that's really hard for me to open and like- your ENTIRE fic is literally built off of symbolism.

And the fact that you've been able to do that, make the titles, write these characters, and create parallel after parallel and continue building this symbolism narrative into a big ball of complexity that would take me weeks to unravel, is just-

BONKERS to me.

Like, I mean, I think anyone is capable of anything. It's just a matter of the time and effort you put into something. So yeah, I could put in those countless hours of trying to unravel Canary Continuity and understanding how your brain works and worked when writing each chapter, but I won't. I could, but I can't. I want to, though.

Because while others don't have as much of a scrambled brain as I do and are actually able to sit, and stay focused on one task at a time and don't feel like their world is burning when they try to get the right words out of their brain in a timely manner, I'm gonna stick with just reading this fic as it is and try to enjoy it in the way that I can at this moment.

Writings hard. So I guess what I really wanted to say was, you're a good writer. I admire that. I hope you know how much we love this story you've written, even if not all of us say it or can share the same understanding like others can.

The writers of this fandom remind me how much I wanna be able to create like you guys. How much I just want to sit down and just DO IT. But alas, all I can say is you're incredible. I hope I can write just as good as you one day :]

honestly? the credit all goes to my adhd medication LMAO. its really weak shit too, so i cant IMAGINE how id act if i was given adderall. i would be sooooo normal on adderall i promise

although maybe i should give myself more credit for the SPEED i can come up with things because i am beginning to get the impression that its a bit mystifying lmao. a lot of things i just come up with on the fly!!

but jesus woawo oh my god i was literally jaw dropped reading this and now i have the BIGGEST goofiest grin on my face i legit feel embarrassing !!!!!!!!!!!! thank you so much ;~;

[shadows-radio-channel]

---zzzz-----zzttt-----

heya shadow lace, its ur biggest fan indo go keepin it racing and real on the radio

soz my line’s been dead for a hot minute, the creative juices ran dry and I lost signal for about a week, but I came across a little something I wrote back in my bat city days which I thought id send out on the airwaves

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

what does sunlight taste like?

is it better than all this fake light?

does it feel different to all this artificial glow

when city street lights are all you’ll ever know?

does it feel the way that breakfast should?

does it make you believe in something good?

does it make the air smell sweeter?

does it make the grass grown greener?

could it make these filth filled streets feel cleaner?

or would it make the S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W/S meaner?

so I guess for now ill stay beneath this chemical white light

which casts shadows even at midnight

and wonder if ill ever know the taste of sunlight

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

hope yall liked the sound of that!

I know that out here we don’t tend to talk about our lives back in the city, but when things in the desert get tough and I wonder if life would have been easier if I stayed in the city, I read this and remind myself why I left, because out here you can show your true colours, out here you can taste the sunlight and feel the air on your skin. I hope this poem does the same for everyone listening <3

well, that’s all from me folks! passing back over to shadow lace now

see you all out there, keep running!

----tttzzzz------zzzzzzz--------

Omg!! Indi Go, you're here! I was literally just wondering where you went, I'm so glad you got signal (and your creative flow) back.

Thank you, for sharing this poem. I think it's totes important for this sorta stuff to be said; it can be easy to look back to what we thought were better times when the Zones are being particularly cruel, but the freedom we get out here will always be better than Battery City.

Once again, thank you to Indi Go for the amazing poem and like, I think that's it for today? I'm probs gonna be busy since Val's coming over. Shadow Lace signing off!

[idealspawn]

hey..... i must say. this has been the best week of my life. and im filled with utter joy. ive had like a.. rebirth? every once in a while i feel like im born again. the transition is really emotional but they are moreso growing pains than destructive pains. im suddenly surrounded by so many great people and possibilities and i finally feel like life is rewarding me, treating me the way i should be treated. in a way im reluctant to owe it to "faith" and see myself as a passive subject rather than an active agent in this but in a way i think i am powerless in some factors regarding this change. next month its my debut in like a culture (?) newspaper! at least they said they are very interested in my analysis but i havent heard back yet about the second version i sent them. i wrote my favourite poem ive ever written. and ive seen so many movies recently that have served as this transitional border. like as this extremely active sphere of both "death" but also birth. like metaphorically. ive been so vulnerable and i love it. ive cried my eyes out like i havent in such a long time and done like... meta analyses about my underlying beliefs to bring change and new energy into my life. you see.. i get really stuck on like.. nominal labels. at first they describe me but it tends to go unnoticed when it no longer fits or serves me and im only living a certain way just because of this nominal structure. but all these nominal structures are made for us. not that we are made to fit them. ive re-evaluated things now.. also out of nowhere people have been reaching out to me. maybe it truly does show up in my energy when im more open. like that it attracts other open, honest, vulnerable people. ive met so many new people and truly felt seen. this is a big thing for me. for the longest time ive struggled to enjoy time with people because ive struggled to find people who i share some kinds of values. i like diverse people but for example people who are open to explore communication on an emotional and relational level rather than only informational. thats important to me. ive been more confident in sharing my opinions too:) and participating in class and in life. going to places where i know id feel a bit uncomfortable and end up surprised. going to places alone is massive for me. it opens me up to new people and experiences because i simply dont have a choice to close myself off with friends im already close with. a woman came to talk to me after a lecture. she said she had been watching how i take notes in class (i write really fast.. i tend to transcribe literally everything the professor says). she said she has studied palaeography and asked to see my notes to analyse my handwriting :) she said its very unusual for people to still write in cursive if they write with the pen very much pointed upwards, however i manage to do so :D. it really made me want to also just reach out to people... like whenever and for whatever reason. and ive noticed people actually like talking to you when youre authentic and awkward. ive restricted my communication with people SO MUCH only due to the fact that i feel like i might not be insanely flawless in my self-expression. the nature too. the season is such that i see birth and death all around me. and its very refreshing. i like seeing change and being reminded of it constantly. it feels liberating. its a season that many people dislike in my country but im in love. i love people. i love physical touch. i love eye contact. i love emotions. i love ideas. i love agency in breaking boundaries. i love feeling seen and important and useful. i love authenticity and vulnerability.

[hannahbarberra162]

thank you so much for responding to me twice now!! im sorry im sending these in so frequently, I dont know how tumblr works but i hope that, even if you dont post a reply to this, (which btw you NEVER have to, please dont feel obligated), i honestly only want you to read the ask. (even then its okay if you dont lol), im a bit overenthusiastic about your work, if you couldn't tell haha 😓 (not that it doesn't deserve all the enthusiasm in the world!!- I just know I can ramble when something excites me.)  I'll try to space out my asks more as to not overwhelm you or anything. i  honesty would love to read whatever you have to offer, even if it's just posting little snippets. I feel bad requesting stuff, though, from what I've read you're probably a busy college student with enough on your plate! still, without making any specific requests, whatever you have to offer, ill eat up like it's my last meal!! id love to see your works on other chatacters! i honestly didn't even really care heavily for mihawk or shanks but you know damn well i ate up your works on them! and like i said, i dont even really know Marco besides your interpretation, (which are canon in my mind haha) and literally had to look up who thatch was. yet i STILL have enjoyed your writings with them to the point ive been up late wondering what happens next. whatever you write, ill enjoy! you just have such incredibly intriguing stories, i honestly have never been so hooked before. thank you so much for writing! i guessed that either Marco or Ace was your favorite, so im glad i was close with Ace! i had the same sort of question as i did with Marco, but I didn't wanna ask both in one message. kinda a 'why him', sorta thing, not that i dont get this one completely- ive seen him in action and i love ace too! But i wanna hear why YOU love him, how YOU see him, same as what i asked for Marco. you don't have to answer if you dont want to! i know ive already typed a lot, so ill cut myself off here!! thank you my goat!! 🐐 and thank you for my appreciation of the WBP!!

(I've also really enjoyed your jinbe work so far!! he's one of my favorites🌊)

@celine-zzz Don't be sorry!!! This made my day, my week, my month! I lose confidence a lot and reading things like this make me think it's worth it. Thank you so so so much for your praise!!!! I actually screenshot nice asks like these and reread them haha. Ask whatever you want!! I like interacting with other people!!! Talk to me all you want!!!

I don't mind getting requests, I just don't ask for them bc I don't know that I can fulfill what people want. But I'm always happy to try! Heat Transfer is actually based off a Nonnie ask and I spiraled from there.

And, ah, I'm quite a few years past my college days 🫠🫠🫠 I'm not sure if that's better or worse, but time comes for us all.

In truth I started writing characters I felt I had a better handle on. I find Ace to be the most relatable. I think he's the most like someone you could potentially meet, maybe other than Law. Someone who is confident and self loathing and insecure and smart and dumb and self assured and all of that wrapped in a cute bundle with freckles. I also find Ace easy to write because I do feel that I've met people like him in real life, so I think of the dumb shit they would do lol. He reminds me a lot of a few of my friends, maybe that's why I feel protective over him.

That isn't a very good answer, but in summary he's my bby and I want the best for him <3.

Jinbe is who I'd actually want to ship myself with (see self indulgent fic) and I'd most want to be friends with and spend the day with Usopp.

[nahalism]

did you ever need to take sth like antidepressants for anxiety or panick attacks? I recall you speakin about having dealth with them in the past & been wonderin if you ever tried medicating urself for it / would consider it if your nerves were getting too much 4 u at some point down the line or did you develop ur own way around those little&big pits of hell

xX

heyyyyy <3 (this will b long but this question deserves a thorough answer so hope thats ok)

ive been strongly encouraged to take various medications over the years, particularly for anxiety/mood stabilisation, and twoish weeks ago i ended up in hospital cause literally i lost my mind, and i felt so out of it that thats the first time i ever considered not just wanting, but needing medication in order to function. however, i didnt, cause i dont like making decisions in the moment (desperation leads to desperate decisions) and because before that experience and even during it, ive never felt convinced that medication was the solution to the problems i was facing. 1) due to the physical, mental and emotional side effects. & 2) because im not convinced the people prescribing the meds even know what is 'wrong' with me.— a lot of that has to do with the nhs being a mess, (its quicker to get meds than wait thru the referral time to get diagnosed & into therapy) but also, theres a lot of comorbidity in the diagnosis ive been given, so there are multiple things to treat & in their eye's medication gives a faster result than unpacking all of that individually. the recommendation was to put me on a cocktail of drugs that can fuck up my liver kidneys and endocrine system to 'see if it will work' .. :/.

the only thing that has ever worked for me is sitting with myself and my emotions, acknowledging them, doing things at my pace in my time, and structuring my life in a way that is tailored for me and my success rather than being successful in the world or in a socially accepted way. that means having a morning routine that caters to my mental emotional and physical health, (mindful practices, yoga, gardening, sound work etcetc), and finding ways to continue that throughout the day (working creatively and limiting my exposure to people or situations that are not for me/overstimulate me).

that being said, this routine (which is still being refined and altered) works pretty well for me, but comes with sacrifices and isnt fool proof. symptoms of my mental illness still persist & without being medicated people are less lenient when helping someone they feel isnt 'helping themselves', im also still working on how to be as sociable as id like to be, and often my spirals are triggered by the very system i have in place to help me. i often face feeling like a let down, like im lazy, like im a weirdo/recluse, like im incapable of being a normal person etc etc. for example, a lot of the friends i graduated with have experienced crazy growth in their careers and have a sense of social and financial security that i dont have because they can function year round, whereas i have months at a time where i dont feel myself and have to disappear in order to keep sanity and peace in my being, lol. that, and the fact that it takes me a lot of base maintenance and effort to function as a normal person makes me feel like shit if i let it, so i constantly have to remind myself on top of the work i do daily, that whilst there are things others have/experience, that i dont, the inverse is also true, and theres beauty to me being me in my way. and .. yeah 🤷🏽‍♀️. that part is hard. but its also worth it to me and has taught me a lot

all that being said, do your own research and decide what feels right and what is best for YOU. speak to your doctors, therapists, and friends who may be medicated, or look on forums online for perspectives from both sides. [*if anyone reading this has a helpful opinion 2 offer pls comment]. the feeling of helplessness when your in the throws of whatever mental illness you suffer from can be debilitating and if taking a pill everyday or when you need it can fix that, no ones opinion should sway you from doing what you need to do to function. some of my friends who are medicated swear by medication!! (particularly when it comes to adhd meds) cause not being able to process thoughts and function is horrible and ruins lives needlessly.

so yh.. i hope this helps. as long as you do whats best for you, i have no doubt you will find your way through this and that it will be worth it. above all, know that the power of your will, your mind, and your person, is what makes you special, and so even if it takes more for you to show up than it does others, that's absolutely fine. take your time with it, and know what nothing is wasted, because you have no idea the good that can come from working out the details. most of the advice i have to offer comes from making it thru an existential crisis or bout of depression. <3

blessings 2 u love

[red-dyed-sarumane]

what if i went off about some of my favorite songs ever

kyuuyaku hankagai - hiiragi magnetite: everyone knows i love this. i just love everything about it. we really get both sides of the picture story wise with it- both the fact the world is literally, physically getting destroyed, and all of the mental torment the characters are dealing with. it still has that magu series weird wording but it gets everything across that it needs to. the instrumental is just as heavy as the scenario with added dramatics in parts that really make it for me. all the long notes to simulate screaming. the seamless addition of both the nami no ne no & rute furute woa motifs (& a possible 3rd? theres still parts in here i cant figure out yet) makes me so emotional. if u have no idea about the series its still a solid song. 10000/10 i cannot fully express my love for this song in words i just need it on repeat full volume for weeks on end.

ai wo - null: impossible for me to explain why i love this so much without oversharing. i keep telling myself not to rank this song so high but ive never felt so seen before. null's lyrics are both poetic & still hit every raw emotion where it hurts. the whole being left alone ur whole life & wishing it wasnt that way, that everything wasnt so empty, that someone could love u the way u need & never got. i want everyone to hear this song and i also want to gatekeep it. it became so important to me in such a short time & itll be hard to ever rival it

arikitari heroes - 150suzu: im not immune to nostalgia. shuuenpro is executed entirely different to aru sekai series & i have to judge from entirely different criteria & that said i really always loved how this one sort of summarized the series in a way that highlighted all the strife in it & made it subjective rather than an objective summary. the chorus is so high its like theyre crying out which fits entirely. i still have the video embedded in my mind & its been a hot minute since ive watched it. my teenage self thought it was so deep & even with a different perspective now i cant entirely discount those feelings. anyway i still really love it i could still listen to it for weeks on end if i wasnt busy keeping up with other things. i do not say it lightly when i say this is the song i have listened to the most in my entire life i used to spend Months straight listening to it. beloved.

tachiiri kinshi - mafumafu: i was sooooooo normal about this in high school (lying). its still high on my list of breakdown songs. like damn its been 8 years and it still holds up the same. between this & ai wo that just gives away 90% of my problems. imagine solving isolation by letting people in cant be me. anyway i was obsessed with drawing the girl from the video for a while idk how many doodles i still have left but she was Everywhere on my school work. normal person behavior.

jishou mushoku - nekobolo: song that has pulled the most weight in keeping me alive. where would i be without it. sometimes the mood is so bad this is still the only thing i can listen to some days.

rokuchounen to ichiya monogatari - kemu: the real reason i fell down the voca rabbit hole. still adore the song & find it hugely nostalgic, but there was a reason i connected with it when i was younger & being able to recognize how fucked up that was makes it also a painful reminder id rather bury. song fucks tho love how every rhythm game its in will destroy u trying to play it.

konmei no aji - savasti: regardless of the real meaning of the song this will always be a dissociation song to me not in the sense it makes me dissociate but rather in the spaceyness & disconnect it reminds me of the feeling but in a safer way to deal with it. personally i prefer rire's cover

taishou x - yurry canon: u will appreciate this song now right now its so under appreciated for a yurry canon song. god the fucking "i'm still living the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. as it is i will never be you. theres no reason in living, but just the same theres no point in dying is there?" [punching a wall] i like it a normal amount

kaiko no kanmuri - dopam!ne: god this song fucks so hard and yet its still edgy. i dont even really know how to explain what i feel with this one beyond i love it. its a kind of waiting for the right time to strike for revenge kinda song? idk its my absolute fave dopam!ne song i love a lot of his songs but this one just really does it for me

haru no sekibaku - inaba kumori: kutabireta atashi ga dame dattan da ne. yeah. the overall mood of this song hits just right all too often. sorry lag train this is the defining inabakumori song to me.

hyperlexia - yamaji: the space in this one also gives me a sense of vague dissociation. i just really love the whole reading between the lines not going to fall for lies anymore mood its got going on. a misguided sense of personal revolution that probably wont end in anything meaningful but i particularly like the song.

[starspaceace]

being on vacation with my dad has reminded me why i went a period of time no contact with him like. my brother put it like he’s 50 and like a libertarian which is kinda cringe get a real opinion old man. i’m going to rant because i need to write shit down

i kinda need to rant a bit like. i went no contact for a while over an argument with my brother living with him and him treating my brother like shit while that was happening but honestly i haven’t gone more than a day with my dad since i was 16 because when i was 16 i could just drive myself back to my moms house instead of doing like the weekend visits and getting into arguments every weekend but im on a week vacation with them right now

my stepmom saw that i like don’t shave my legs and wear clothes from the mens section so she’s like ‘well if there’s anything you want to tell us we support you :)’ which is. kinda funny in itself assigned gay by hairy legs but im like ok easy opportunity i guess to go well is this a gender question? they know im gay but this is a different thing im like sure non binary im not like a man but woman isn’t right yknow and she’s like well we support you :) but she i guess she tells my dad? and since that he’s upped like the “well you’re always going to be dad’s little princess” like thats a thing he’s always done (which has been and would still be annoying as someone who still identified really female. my brother doesn’t get that treatment yknow?) but it feels more. bad. also my brother and his girlfriend call me carl as a nickname for carley and my dad was weird about that like ‘her name is carley! tell them to stop calling you carl’ and asked if i would change my name to something else. like. its just a nickname even if i would change my name it wouldn’t be to carl. carl is a fine nickname until im one of them they/thems? there was also some weird comment at one point about how everyone’s bisexual now (which? my brother is just a straight man so its not even like we’re both gay its literally just me) (should’ve picked an easier to nickname name all carley gets is carl sometimes) my brothers girlfriend is with us and put it well like my stepmom just enables my dad. idk

like i told my brother its so hard to misgender me but my dad’s managed to do it somehow. like i know i see myself nonbinary but im short and fat and my voice is feminine so im just going to be perceived female? i still use she/her pronouns so like. whatever. its a thing i’ve accepted about myself but as long as i feel good about myself generally it doesn’t matter. my brother said it didn’t seem like it’s purposefully malicious but its still. something. im not sure what kind of word im looking for it. i think its just disappointing. im just wondering if they’d be like this about me being gay if i actually was like. dating. if i was “/really/“ gay instead of theoretically gay or gone on a date with one girl once gay. but since im like here and queer! im not queer in an acceptable way anymore?

in related issues my dad has like a lot of opinions but like no fucking opinion at all on anything like ? all politicians are corrupt but also socialism is bad (not exact words but like. the gist. food stamps welfare etc etc ) vaguely racist ideas (ie easily deniable, not sure he even realizes the things he’s saying are such) and throwing out weird buzzwords. called the backseat of us in the car millennials when we’re pretty solid gen z (like does he not realize he’s? like 7 years older than the oldest millennial? not far from that man you’re gen x). like if you’re going to be conservative just commit instead of pretending you’re not

my brother has been really great to be with through this experience of dealing with our dad tho in both making fun of his opinions and my gender stuff. making sure he’s not misgendering me (like asked if id rather he said sibling, i think im still ok with sister. or like my pronouns) we’re funny about it tho he said if i changed my name it should be to wolfgang or maybe pull a power move and just change it to his name and we have to fight over it. been making me feel better about everything instead of being bummed out about everything.

anyways my brother was playing our beach playlist we made and he put on one mcr song we put on there and my stepmom was like well carley can have one song but this isn’t my cup of tea but we’ll listen to it for her and i texted my brother like damn i can’t even have my gay song. they also hated on international love by pit bull so maybe they’re just haters. it’s tuesday and we’re here until saturday morning and my dads birthday is tomorrow so here’s hoping to uh. nothing eventful. worst case we drove here seperately and leave :P

[princevontwix]

what i wanted to put was too long for tags so I'm just gonna vent here

i really feel this. my parents have been encouraging me to get my masters, when I'm almost done with my bachelors. and the major i have isn't offered anymore so idk what would happen. I've also chickened out on going to the career center to get started on literally anything. i haven't taken any internships at all, done any mock interviews, and have no concrete idea on the career i want with my major.

im gravely worried that once i graduate i wont be able to do the job well, esp since I've repeatedly dumped out whatever I've learned from previous classes, which i HATE. as such, I'm nervous that when something I'm expected to have known about comes up during a crucial moment(s) at my job, ill be left smooth-brained, feel utterly incompetent, or worse.

if i do try and get a masters degree, i feel like id be delaying the inevitable. I'm also just not completely confident in being able to manage my own life by myself. it doesn't help that i haven't truly made friends in uni, just people I'm familiar with for one semester and that's it. Middle and high school were easier to get friends bc i was in the same "class of" as everyone else. but in uni, you're sharing classes with people of different years so you don't really get a chance to be familiar with them. i feel like that's also my fault though; I've been forgetful of people's names unless i see them on a regular basis outside of just classes (only two professors i can say arent the case). and those classmates who give me their numbers for future contact, i just never do. i feel overwhelmed by work and by then, id have fast forgotten anything about them to make conversation of.

im scared that ill be incompetent in my future career, that i might only have a few select irl friends at best or only my online friends (which there's no guarantee that ill ever meet any of them in person and strengthen that bond. AND that this last year in uni will be my last retreat to my shell before it completely shatters and I'm thrusted into the real world. there's also this internal pressure on me for being the first in my family to graduate uni (my older siblings have graduated high school).

My older siblings have been living at home for years, which, nothing wrong with that. but i don't want to end up living that same lifestyle. I want to prove to my family that their efforts weren't for naught. but at the same time, i feel like i don't know what to do when the future comes and ill have no insurance for whatever happens. I'm already dreading the days when my parents pass away and what might happen with my siblings when it does. the absolute last thing i want is to end up homeless and with nothing to show for myself.

Earth, our home, is dying to corporate greed and we're massacring each other, hate in our veins. And if i cant make a dent in any of that, then what was the point? what were my efforts for?

And yet...i want to be selfish and create for myself (no matter how cringe it is) and spend time with my online friends. I want to stay in my comfort zone of being in my dorm for the week and home at the weekends. i want to have those long summers where i don't have to worry to much about what to do and just enjoy myself.

How can I ever possibly balance my practical life with my personal life? My work and social lives?

Perhaps i've never truly grown up, and the unforgiving march of time is a reminder that i need to do something with my life and grow the fuck up. Perhaps it doesn't matter what i do as link rot will snuff out my creations and my second death will follow my first death fairly quickly.

Or maybe i really am just overthinking everything. Maybe 10 years or more from the future, I'll come back to this post and laugh at my naivety and how much i was overthinking. If such a possibility exists, maybe it's narcissistic for me to want this, but i would greatly welcome my future self hugging me, telling me that everything turned out well. that I'm living a life my family and friends would be proud of.

that despite the mountainous amount of work my job requires, i managed to make time to tend to my own projects completely unrelated to my profession. maybe in that possible future, my fanstory Rejuvenation has finally been completed, and i have the improved skills to bring my vision out for my art and fanfics (cringe, i know). perhaps in that future, i don't feel any of the loneliness i feel right now.

i just want some assurance that everything will turn out well. right now, my last year in uni is my temporary shelter against all these worries. but once i graduate? it's the point of no return.

I'm deathly afraid of the future and what might not be. i may bide my time and play games, draw, or just chat with friends. but the clock will keep ticking and if i don't play catch-up, I'm as good as dead. i just hope that I'm still eligible to reach Heaven by then.

but for now, i have some schoolwork shit i need to do. procrastination is a poison, one that might cost me everything.

“I don’t know what my goals are, no. Thanks for asking.”

[peanutbutterfiles]

Health & finances vent post lmao

I drove to more than just the grocery store down the street today (of which, I should mention and remind myself, has only been the past two weekends), and I find myself both pleased and frustrated with the results

Logically, I can see that I have improved a lot. I know I would not have been able to do this even just a month ago. Honestly, for all of the parts it hits, this is incredible improvement for the state that I’ve been in.

It had me deal with a very high light situation (going outside midday when the sun is brightest is something I’ve only done a handful of times in the past two weeks), reflections shadows and bouncing light (which used to give me severe vertigo like that one time I tried to drive back in like November or something), needing and having a very quick reaction timing and being aware of all the moving parts around me (a sense that I literally rehabilitated through playing a video game over the past couple months), using very far distance muscles (which I have so far been unable to use at all just because I don’t have a high enough vantage point to see very far around where I live), switching rapidly between different distance focuses (something I have literally not been able to re-create in any other environment than driving, so completely unused up until now), getting some use out of sunglasses in having them actually touch my face (something I still am relatively unable to do, ended up, taking them off, or using them very sparingly during the drive), and overall dealing with a fairly stressful situation in the act of driving itself (which I have not been able to handle situations that bring my stress level up to that point until just this month).

And I’m spelling it out like that to put into perspective just for myself of how much progress I have had to make in order for me to have driven that distance at all (about a 30 minute drive). It’s huge progress. I know it is.

But god is it still frustrating that that drive was just my entire day. I came home from that and I had to just sit and close my eyes for most of the rest of the day. And even in that, I can see logically that I’ve made progress in that it didn’t debilitate me almost at all (could still move around when I needed to and make myself food unaided and without issue), and that it just knocked me out/gave me a headache for more than a day.

God is it still frustrating that I don’t think I can physically work a job even part-time unless the hours are like 10 to 15 hours a week. And nobody’s paying highly for those kind of hours. And money is starting to get really fucking tight. And I don’t know what to do. I’ve made a lot of progress, but monetarily speaking it isn’t enough, and that’s incredibly frustrating and disheartening.

The best that I can hope for right now is that I’m able to build up the right muscles from driving such that it’s stabilizes my vision and pain levels enough to try and start opening commissions and praying people will pay for them. I don’t know what other job opportunities are available that would offer such a flexible schedule to work around my high pain days, and so the easiest solution in my mind right now would be that I do art, because I can work around the times that I need to rest and it not get me fired. But that’s also a huge fucking chance in and of itself, because I don’t actually know how many people will want commissions, nor how much I’m able to actually offer in terms of commissions if I can only work like an hour at a time.

The situation just feels like it’s almost an ouroboros eating its own tail. I do something to get me money -> what if it fucks up this thing in my face -> thing takes longer to heal or resets my progress -> id be unable to work again -> i’m back in the money scare situation -> I do something to get money -> it impacts my health and recovery — so on and so forth.

*deepest sigh of the century*

I know I’m improving. And I’m not the praying type, but fuck if I’m not praying for there to be some solution in the near future that I just can’t see right now.



[nithica]

every 3 business days my friend likes to remind me of our experience at graspop last summer

when i apparently caught covid like RIGHT away so id been struggling with fever all week at the festival, going in and out of the ER

but saturday was BMTH as the closer and i didn’t want to miss it, so i pushed through, spent some time of the day in the first aid post to get help with getting my temperature down just so i could go off during BMTH (for clarification, i didn’t find out what it was until i was already back home a week later, i honestly thought i fell ill bc of the rainfall & not being able to sleep on the camping grounds)

we got a good spot; i didn’t need to be at the barrier since i’d seen them at the barrier in february. instead we went to the pit

mind you, i’m 5’, and i was stuck between a group of dudes ranging from 5’11 to like 6’4

moshed a bit, was fun. then left, went hard by myself. but i started feeling a little faint. my friend noticed and asked me if im ok, i was feeling the music though so im like yeah (proceeds to collapse)

luckily the guy standing behind me caught me cos my ass would have DROPPED 😩

then my friend again was like ok ur not ok maybe we should chill. so she held me against her but i was legit just not all there; had no idea what was happening anymore or what song was playing tbh.

the guy behind me then proceeded to tell the people around us to give us some space (supposedly, this is her account), and then asked if maybe they should get me to the front (idk???? it’s not exactly open there either😭)

aaaaand there i went, knocked tf out. so his friends forced ppl to open up a path and my friend and him dragged my limp pool noodle body to the barrier, where security yoinked me over the fence and handed me over to the EMTs, then (also friends account) carried her over as well

i was like, in and out of consciousness and i do remember briefly seeing oli on the stage but i ☠️ i didn’t even know what he was playing like genuinely i was just like what the fuck where am i who am i who the FUCK is carrying me

then, the next thing i remember is waking up somewhere in front of the stage a while later, with a lady fanning me, the EMTs questioning my friend and another guy handing me a bottle of water and i’m just like . 🧍‍♀️ where am i again

thennnn they left to get some things and i was so fucking nauseous, i was so hot, miserable,,

and i remember that i then heard kingslayer beginning and cussing at my friend like AREEEEEE U KIDDING MEEEEE i wanted to mosh to this song. and she’s just like. girl you’re going nowhere the fuck. here have some grape sugar

BUT I WAS SO HEARTBROKEN FOR MISSING IT

and then i also missed antivist😔

anyways; she filmed it all, then told me - and now reminds me of it every other week - how i had “given her the night of her life” and that “oli looked at us” and im just like. wow thanks girlie pop. i fainted and got carried out of the crowd during my fav act of the day but at least YOU 🫵 got to enjoy it all 🤧

i am still sad about missing like half the show cos it was lit and i was having fun

and the sunday was awful, i legit barely left the first aid post and just slept on a stretcher all day with my friend frequently popping in to cool me with a bottle of ice water and a fan, i have NO idea who or what we saw that day AND i remember being so pissy for missing machine head closing the night.

don’t even talk to me about monday. the ambulance took my ass out of the queue for the bus bc i was literally being cooked 🥲 and i was still bed ridden for like two weeks afterwards, visiting the ER twice at night too. don’t get covid yall what the fuck (this was my first time after 4 jabs) i never felt so sick before

but hey, at least my friend got her 10 seconds of fame 😔😪😢

[bestofbothworldstour]

two and a half months later and still making myself sick thinking about the legends ceremony /pos. dont see that ending any time soon. anyways.

see like. OBVIOUSLY i knew it was gonna take a toll on me but god...i didn't think it'd be this bad. but i think i'm starting to understand WHY it ended up being so much more intense than i expected.

for one thing, it's the only time ive seen miley and she wasnt like...the only reason i was there. ive seen her in concert twice and went to the launch event for her converse line. she was the main event at all three of those events. i went to the voice 9 times, and no, shes not the only attraction there, but she was the entire reason i went. had she not been a coach, i wouldnt have gone. the whole experience was fun dont get me wrong. i enjoyed the performers, the other coaches, etc. but its still an exhausting process that i wouldnt have gone through if not for her. not to mention shes present p much the entire time.

but in THIS case, its during d23, one of the biggest events of every 2 years of my life since 2013. and at the very END of it. they were like. hey. so you just had three overwhelming, exciting days full of your fandoms (PLUS d23 day at disneyland which was new) lets cap it all off with THIS. not to mention there were other legends i was excited to see too. and mileys part beginning and ending within like ten minutes was admittedly expected, but it still made it all the more difficult to process and wrap my head around.

they also WERENT GOING IN ANY SPECIFIC ORDER SO EVERY TIME SOMEONE WAS DONE I HAD TO MENTALLY PREPARE MYSELF. tbh im glad she was in the middle tho. having her at the beginning wouldve been overwhelming to start and had she been at the end i wouldve been like..stumbling out of the building lmao. the person who got awarded right after her was someone i didnt care too much about so i just got to black out for a bit. i almost needed to go in the hallway to cool down.

but like god. i fully dissociated during the best of both worlds performance like had to remind myself where i was, what i was doing, etc. likely at least partially due to my usual brain fog + sleep deprivation of d23 which almost always brings on dissociation, but also the surreal experience of hearing that song sung in that big of a venue...but also not by miley. (not that lainey wilson wasnt good, i just had to like...wrap my head around that yknow.)

i also ofc had the scare of getting my tix revoked. even once they said i was fine i was constantly paranoid something would happen and i wouldnt get to go. not even in that regard, bc i trusted that they fixed the problem, but that i would get sick or like SOMETHING would happen. and not getting to go wouldve like. destroyed me. in the weeks leading up to it i was literally knocking on wood constantly. like even at work. i was so panicked. i laugh a bit at it looking back but also like this is normal behavior coming from me lmao

i also thought it wouldnt overwhelm me as much as it did given that id seen her 12 times before, which is like...a lot to see this big of a celebrity. and 9 of those times were in a small lowkey setting for 3+ hours. so i thought "oh ive been normal around her before ill be ok :)" not thinking that had been 6+ years ago. the first 12 times i saw her were within just over 4 years, then 6 years went by without me seeing her at all, so that feeling in my brain of just seeing her casually was mostly gone. not to mention how much has happened in the last 6 years, namely quarantine.

i also had never seen her within the context of hannah before. not that she doesnt mean the world to me as herself, but hannah is really what saved me to begin with. so theres that.

anyway. if anything im glad its been more intense than expected bc im actually getting to feel something which i feel like ive been without for a while. and what im feeling is intense love for my favorite person, more intense than ive felt in years, so yah. it feels good.