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darkspine10 · 2 years ago

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GF Fanfic - King of the Tulpas

Dipper and Mabel Vs. The Past (28,842 words) by darkspine10

Chapters: 6/9

Fandom: Gravity Falls

Rating: Teen and Up

Dipper stared out across Piedmont and over to the Golden Gate. Beyond, the ocean, stretching out until it was lost in a mire of fog. Their position on the hill commanded an impressive view of the urban sprawl. He felt a chill run up his arms. The creature, Errata, was probably looking at the city from on high in much the same way, delighting in how best to sow chaos. Anywhere his gaze lingered could be a possible target.

His daughter was down there, right now. Getting a babysitter had been hard at such short notice in the festive period, but the Pines had a friendly neighbour who’d pitched in. Now Wendy was alone at home, while her family kept the city safe.

First they had to deal with the immediate threat. He turned his attention to the oddly geometric concrete building, and the rest of his party standing in front of it. Pacifica had parked the Mini beside the Sunstones, a tetrahedral sculpture designed to line up perfectly with various solstice lines and astronomical events. Merrise was hopping on one leg, trying to relieve the tension before they went inside. His mother’s expression didn’t seem to approve of anything.

On a normal day, a trip to the Lawrence Hall of Science would be a perfect day out with his family. A museum with a strong focus on interactivity and delivering scientific topics to the masses, it was Dipper’s idea of a great time. Though Pacifica might disagree, patience while browsing museums not being one of her strong suits. He and Mabel had spent countless long afternoons wandering around inside, killing time and messing around with the exhibits.

“Are we going inside now?” Merrise asked impatiently. “The news said this was one of the places.”

“Why here?” Pacifica asked. She was eyeing up the museum from a distance, staying on edge. The place was empty of people, who’d all fled once the creature reports started and panic spread like wildfire. The police were still in the midst of establishing a cordon, allowing the Pines to slip in unnoticed. “Of all the places in the Bay Area, one of those journal spirits chooses this museum?

“Maybe some kind of sympathetic resonance?” Dipper offered. “Mabel and I used to come here a lot as kids, perhaps the tulpas respond positively to those emotional traces.”

“I remember, I came here once with you guys. Let’s hope we don’t have to fight the Egyptian god of death this time.”

“The what?” Mrs Pines asked, her face pale.

“Woah, when did that happen?” Merrise asked. “I haven’t read about that one. Which journal is it in?”

“Later,” Dipper said. “We can air all the dirty laundry together as a family once the crisis is over.” He coughed into his fist and aimed his next words at Merrise. “Journal 4.” His daughter grinned and made a mental note to find and read about the incident at some point.

“And how exactly do you intend on stopping these monstrosities?” his mother asked, not unreasonably. “We can hardly ask them to kindly not touch any of the exhibits.”

Dipper smiled, his confidence returning. “That’s where my new plan comes into effect. Everyone got your journals?”

His mother sighed and showed him the red covered book with the golden hand and number 2. By coincidence, Merrise had Journal 4, with a pine tree cover, and Pacifica held up her Llama journal. He had his current Journal 9 of course, which gave them a decent breadth of knowledge. No matter what form the tulpa assumed, they would be able to counter it. Then they could enact the second part of Dipper’s plan.

As far as he could tell, from his observations downtown and scattered news reports, the recreations from the journals were one-to-one. Apart from a distinct gold or copper sheen, the tulpas accurately behaved like whatever they turned into. When they appeared like a Manotaur, they acted as such, full of rage and testosterone. This meant that if they got lucky and the random instabilities landed the tulpa in the form of a friendly or otherwise non-hostile entity, they would act accordingly and be pacified. Once in that state, Dipper planned to stabilise the tulpa, trapping it in that form permanently, until they could return the psychic detritus to Errata and hopefully end this madness.

He didn’t have many options for fixing the creatures and stopping them changing again. As they were in Piedmont he couldn’t rely on any artefacts or technological wonders to save the day. Back at the house before they’d split up he’d gone to his bedroom. In one of his drawers, beneath a hidden panel, was where he’d stashed anything he didn’t want his parents finding out about. There wasn’t much left beneath the false bottom. Dipper had taken most of his monster tracking equipment and collected relics with him when he’d moved out.

But he hadn’t taken everything. Coated in a layer of dust was a small metal box with antennae and a black screen. This was his prototype anomalous energy detector, a toy he’d cooked up with Grunkle Ford to allow him to find hotspots of unusual energy while he was away from the bigger pockets of weirdness in the Falls. Dipper plugged the device in the nearest socket and was delighted to see the screen light up with a simple map display. Nothing was registering at the moment - evidently the tulpas or Errata weren’t sending out the right type of energy waves - but it might be handy to narrow the search at close range. All they had to do now was find the tulpa, keep it contained until it switched, then lock it down as something that wasn’t liable to wreak any further havoc.

“Piece of cake,” Dipper said after explaining this to Pacifica, Merrise, and his mother. Their doubting faces didn’t fill him with enthusiasm. “Come on, Mabel’s already on her way to the other tulpa site. Do you really want to live with her gloating that she caught the first one before us?” His sense of cheer convinced Merrise and Pacifica at least, who headed into the museum.

Mrs Pines held Dipper’s shoulder before he followed them inside. “You’re really letting that girl rush into danger? For heaven’s sake, she’s 10 years old, Mason!”

“And I was 12.” He shrugged her off. “Merrise can take care of herself. I trust in her abilities. Although I know I never extended that trust to you or dad.” Sighing, he turned back to face his mother. “This is me making it up to you, if you think about it. Not the way I planned it, but it is what is, you know. Now, do you want to go catch a monster together, Mom?”

She didn’t quite smile, but relented and tapped him on the arm. “Only if you promise that Pacifica isn’t secretly an alien or a demon as well. Two in the family is quite enough to find out about in one day.”

Dipper chuckled. “Don’t worry, she’s full-blooded human. Blue blooded perhaps, but definitely of this Earth.”

The two of them entered the museum to find it dishearteningly silent. Pacifica and Merrise stood amongst the exhibits, lost in the empty lobby. Dipper’s eyes furtively darted around, scouting behind every display case where a creature might be lurking. Without the ebb and flow of a crowd the sound was deadened by the exhibits. He checked his old energy scanner and saw a pulse in the east wing, just past the planetarium. “Alright, fan out,” Dipper said, “but don’t wander off,” he directed at Merrise. “We want to be able to work together when we find this thing.”

“Gotcha,” she replied. “I’ll only spend 5 minutes in the gift shop instead of 10.” She ran her hands along a large plastic model of the moon, enjoying watching it spin. “Hello Luna.”

“You know, I was never very ‘good’ at museums.” Pacifica followed her daughter, holding her Pine Tree pendant up as if it was a ward against evil. The enchantment it possessed could give them an early warning of danger as keen as any of her husband’s fancy detectors. “Always reminded me too much of the tutors my parents forced on me. I had to study up on every topic so museums had nothing extra to offer. Plus the history museum in town sucked.”

“It’s not all bad,” Dipper said, “there are some fascinating halls down in the basement you should check out one day.”

Pacifica craned her neck around and put a protective arm around Merrise. “This place isn’t too big. There can’t be many places to hide. We should be ready for anything.”

Merrise nodded and started flipping through her journal, hoping that they’d run into something found in its pages. They weren’t armed as such, since they had no idea what they might be facing. Any pre-prepared weapons might turn out to be useless, not that they had any to fall back on in any case. Instead Dipper was hoping that with the journals’ insight and the rapid changes of form, they could find whatever they needed to combat the tulpa within the museum itself. As plans went it wasn’t his finest, but he wasn’t about to say that with his mother in earshot.

Beside him, he heard his mother tsking as she studied Journal 2. “Some of this stuff sounds ridiculous. Blood rain, super termites, dimensions filled with witches and owls and demon kings. I never knew Marc’s uncle was like this. This is supposed to be scientific?”

“It’s all real, believe me,” Pacifica said. “Normal rules don’t apply in Gravity Falls. You can trust me, I’m a native. You can’t walk five yards in that town without discovering a new species previously unknown to mankind.”

“Perhaps it’s a shame then that we… that I never visited.” She sounded genuinely sad to have missed out. Who wouldn’t, Dipper thought. The world was so much bigger than anyone outside the Falls really knew.

Entering the east wing, Dipper was glad that he had thought to bring flashlights. The area was shrouded in darkness. A velvet rope blocked off access and he climbed over it. A set of double doors refused his attempt to open it.

“What are you doing, Dipper?” Mrs Pines asked. “It’s sealed off.”

“Dad, it does say forbidden.” Merrise shone her flashlight at the sign. “No entry except to staff.”

“Lighten up, there’s no-one here to tell me off. It’s probably closed for the winter season or something. The scanner says our tulpa is most likely through here.” He finally succeeded in jimmying the door open, falling inwards. When he looked up it was straight into the eyes of an attacking predator. A velociraptor in mid-jump coming straight towards him. Dipper panicked and stumbled backwards, but felt embarrassed when Pacifica started laughing.

Her torch beam revealed his attacker to be a stationary model. “Ha ha,” he said dryly, getting to his feet. “That’s my karmic punishment for ignoring the warning signs I suppose.” He panned his light around and was disheartened. The east wing dinosaur exhibit would have been genuinely impressive in the light. In its absence, the carefully arranged displays of dinosaurs amid faux-jungle was nothing more than a maze, with flashing teeth and claws around every corner. “Now I know how Ghost Eyes felt when we tricked him in Salem.”

Pacifica’s beam alighted on a velociraptor’s eye, shimmering and reflecting back at her in the glass. “Freaky. It’s like being in the Mystery Shack after dark.”

“What were you and Dad doing in that place at night?” Merrise asked, before making a kissy face.

Pacifica scowled, though Merrise couldn’t see the expression in the dark. “Yeah yeah, we were all young once. Don’t lose focus, little miss.”

Merrise giggled and ran ahead, only to stop up short as she entered the main room of the wing. “Woah. This planet has some scary wildlife.” Caught in her beam was the exposed skeleton of a Tyrannosaurus Rex, reaching up to the ceiling and posed in a frozen roar. It completely dwarfed Merrise, who’s entire body was smaller than a single leg bone.

“Don’t worry,” Dipper said, putting an arm around her. “They’re extinct. Mostly.” He grimaced. “We’ll be fine so long as the tulpa doesn’t manifest as one of them. We don’t have Stan around to punch one in the nose,” Dipper said, fondly remembering.

“Oh come on!” Mrs Pines threw up her arms in frustration. “Mason, you can’t seriously tell me you’ve encountered dinosaurs before.”

“Sure,” he said, shrugging. “They were frozen in amber and a heatwave-”

She cut him off, tutting and shaking her head. But while she was struggling to take it all in, Pacifica noticed something odd. Behind her husband and daughter, the vast fossilised T-Rex seemed to have a thicker shadow than it should. A near imperceptible motion made her swallow.

Mrs Pines was completely oblivious. “I like to think I have an open mind. There’s a lot I will accept. But I cannot believe you’ve seen a real, live dinosaur!”

“Well then you’d better start believing very fast, Mary.” Pacifica shone her flashlight at the T-Rex’s skull. Inexorably, the shadow twitched and then moved into the light. Standing right behind the skeleton, with flesh on the bones, was the genuine article.

The roar it gave echoed around the abandoned hall. Flecks of spittle rained down on the family. Dipper and Merrise sprung into action, diving away and sprinting across the room. Mrs Pines stood still, paralysed as the titanic biped stared her down with hungry intent. Pacifica barrelled into her mother-in-law and the two of them rolled away right as the powerful jaws clamped down on the empty air where they’d been standing. They fled under the vast skeleton, but were forced to halt when the tulpa swung its tail at the display. Bones came crashing down around them.

“What are the weaknesses!?” Pacifica yelled at Dipper. She and Mrs Pines cowered underneath the still-standing lattice of bones that formed the skeleton T-Rex’s ribcage, while the living one repeatedly slammed its head into the display.

Dipper held his flashlight in his teeth, illuminating the giant reptile as he flipped through his journal to the index at the back. “D, Dinosaurs. Oh no. Dinosaurs are in Journal 3!” he called.

“Great, fat lot of good that does us!” Pacifica shot back. Clattering bones rained around Mrs Pines as she feebly covered her head with her hands. Her flashlight shimmered off the T-Rex’s thick skin. It had a slight bronze sheen, the only hint that it wasn’t a genuine dinosaur.

“It’s got little arms though, and it’s slow!” Merrise said, breaking into a run towards the T-Rex’s claws. “That’s a weakness enough.” Dipper reached out to stop her, but knew she was too slippery. She ran right between the T-Rex’s legs, making it abandon its attack on the others. Merrise’s slender frame belied the impressive burst of speed she was capable of. She hadn’t survived on her own for years without being able to escape from sticky situations in the blink of an eye.

Strained from the effort of swinging its heavy jaws around, the dinosaur seemed to tire. But then golden sparkles lit up the museum hall like a miniature sun. The tulpa shed its excessive mass for a more compact form that required less energy. Unfortunately the form it chose was a much more efficient hunter to chase down Merrise. Dipper looked on the form with wry amusement. Four spindly legs held up a fleshy, insectoid torso. The tulpa had taken the neutral form of the shapeshifter. A piercing howl brought Dipper back to the danger of the present situation.

Running to intercept the tulpa from catching Merrise, Dipper waved his arms around and cried out. “Hey, over here, I’m a juicier target, more meat on my bones than that stick insect kid!”

“Hey!” Merrise said, briefly halting and throwing an annoyed look at her father.

“It’s true, you need to build some more body mass.” Dipper’s call did the trick though, and the shapeshifter began pursuing him. “Uh oh.” He sprinted back into the jungle display, hoping to lose the creature among the replica dinosaurs. This was something he regretted almost instantly, as it simply made it easier for the tulpa to blend in and surprise him. Crouching behind a plastic stegosaurus, Dipper tried to slow his racing heart.

A spindly fist exploded through the side of the dinosaur and peppered him with shrapnel. The shapeshifter was climbing through and baring its teeth, until, screaming a war cry, Pacifica charged towards it and brought her journal swinging down on the creature’s head. It whimpered and scuttled away, morphing into a hefty spider-demon to gain speed. Pacifica shook detritus off of the golden llama on the front cover of her journal. “‘Books are the greatest weapon’, my ass.” She held out her hand and pulled her husband to his feet. “How are we meant to stop it switching around as a billion different killer monsters?”

“I was thinking of using a spell-”

“Pshaww, yeah right.”

“Hey, Mabel and Zera aren’t the only ones who can use magic.”

“If you call repeating the same spell 50 times before it works ��magic’.”

“Drain it of energy, that’s what you said.” Mrs Pines was out of breath as she ran over to them. “You’re the experts, you tell me how to fight these creatures.” She was putting her trust in them for now, and Dipper nodded. Pointing to the rafters he spotted the tulpa high above, swinging from a web.

“Unless we have any giant boots lying around-” His words died in his throat as the golden monster dropped from the ceiling and changed form yet again. The floor shook as it squatted low to the ground, with a rocky carapace and shining gemstones for eyes. “That’s a Rosetta, they’re-”

“Weak to gold!” Merrise called. By luck she had already found the relevant page in Journal 4.

“Now where do we find-”

“Wedding rings!” Pacifica shouted, slipping hers off and flinging it at the rock beast. It instinctively recoiled, folding its outer plates up to form a defensive shield. Before Dipper and his mother had a chance to add their own rings to the assault, the tulpa shifted, losing even more mass in the process. It was no bigger than a child now, and would’ve outrun them had Merrise not reappeared and tackled it to the ground.

Pacifica halted to pick up her ring, slipping it on guiltily under Dipper’s glare. “What? Our lives are more important than a token of our marriage.”

“Fair enough. Merrise, what have you got there?”

She had the tulpa’s arms pinned behind its back and let Dipper shine the flashlight in its face. “It’s you!” Mrs Pines said, shocked. Dipper saw that the tulpa was indeed a clone of himself at age 12, except with a number two on his cap instead of a pine tree.

“A paper clone,” he stated. As the clone was a more or less accurate recreation of Tyrone, the tulpa’s only thoughts became of survival. It struggled to break free, desperate to bolt.

“Ooh, I know these guys, they’re weak to water!” Merrise said, excitedly releasing her captive clone and running to a nearby fire hose fixed to the wall. She shot a spray of liquid at the tulpa, which shrank and hissed.

Blocked by the spray, Merrise missed the tulpa shift again. Sharp claws, a bulky fur-clad body, and vicious teeth burst out from the tiny copy of Dipper. “Wait, stop!” the real Dipper cried. “That’s the Gremloblin, water isn’t a weakness, it’s-”

The monster hollered and sprouted a pair of leathery wings. Merrise turned off the hose. It made a pathetic squeak and drew the tulpa’s attention. She had nowhere to escape to as it surged toward her. She dropped the hose and ran but far too late. As the Gremloblin flapped its wings it knocked both Dipper and Pacifica out of the way on opposite sides of the room. Caught in the blade-like talons, Merrise wriggled ineffectively and screamed for help. The monster was between Merrise and her parents. Only Mrs Pines was close, and she trembled like a leaf.

“Mirror, need a mirror,” Dipper said in panic, patting himself down.

“Compact!” Pacifica shouted triumphantly. “Never leave home without it. Mary!” She tossed the compact through the air and Mrs Pines gave a leap to catch it. Unsure what would happen but desperate to save Merrise, she put herself between the tulpa and its prey and held the mirror high. The Gremloblin’s nightmare inducing eyes were turned back on itself and the tulpa promptly dropped Merrise. She fell to the floor, but gave a shaky thumbs up to show she was ok.

The tulpa writhed in agony, shedding yet more of its golden aura and shrinking again. Dipper briefly saw seven eyes beneath a hood. “Jheselbraum?” Her enigmatic face turned to him, before sagely nodding. The shrinking continued until the tulpa manifested as a small black stone tied to a necklace. Dipper hurtled forwards and threw his body on top of Gideon Gleeful’s telepathy amulet. “Gotcha. No more changing forms please.” Tentatively he rolled clear and clutched the amulet in his hand. A final shower of particles came from the tulpa, before it lost all sign of life. It really was just an inanimate necklace now. “We did it!” Dipper held their defeated foe aloft.

“Yippee,” Merrise said, before lying back on the floor, feeling as tired as the tulpa. Pacifica wandered over and tickled her in the side, causing a burst of laughter. Merrise bounded to her feet and examined the amulet. “Is it dormant?”

“Looks like it. For now at least, until we can reunite with Errata.” Dipper pocketed the artefact. “Everyone still got their journals?”

“I think I need a moment,” Mrs Pines said. She was holding Journal 2 tightly to her chest, her fingers digging into the cover. “That was exhilarating. Are any of you hurt?” she asked, and the others all shook their heads. “Thank goodness. I suppose you’re not half bad at this adventuring lark.”

“It has its ups and downs,” Dipper admitted. “But you can’t deny it’s a lot of fun.” His mother smiled for the first time since the crisis had begun.

“Come on, we’d better leave. We caused a rather large mess.” She gestured at the overturned dinosaur statues and torn up imitation jungle.

“Add it to the list with Amazing Al’s,” Dipper said, smirking.

As the four of them made a quick retreat back to the lobby, Pacifica took a quiet moment to talk to Dipper. “I’m starting to see where you get it from.”

“Get what from?” he asked.

“Everything. You’re not so different really. You have your mother’s neurotic paranoia.”

“Thanks,” he said, “You’re still great at compliments as always, Paz.”

“Not like that,” she said, smiling. “I meant it in a sweet way. You care about us, a lot. Maybe too much sometimes, and that makes you overcorrect.”

Dipper blushed. “I love it when you’re genuine.” She smiled back and they held hands.

Before leaving the museum, Merrise held up a palm. “Sorry, gimme a sec.” She ran into the gift shop by the exit and came out carrying a plush T-Rex. “I wanted a souvenir.”

“You have to pay for that!” Pacifica stammered. “It’s not free.”

“No-one will miss it,” Merrise said, beaming and hugging the new toy. Dipper shook his head and grinned. Once a thief, always a thief. “Besides, Mabel says capitalism is always theft,” Merrise added.

“Well Mabel isn’t here right now,” Pacifica said through gritted teeth. “I need to have a word with that hippy, she’s filling your head with too much 60’s counterculture nonsense.”

“I think she deserves it.” Mrs Pines surprised the others with her statement. She patted Merrise on the back and sent her happily skipping away. “Not every kid can say they’ve beaten a T-Rex… demon… thing. Maybe we could all do with loosening up a bit.”

Curious, Dipper sidled up beside his mother. “Where’s this sudden charity coming from?”

Mrs Pines crept close and whispered. “I realised something, Dipper, when I witnessed Merrise back there, in the midst of the action. She was enjoying herself. From what you’ve mentioned of her past… I’ll simply say that as long as that girl doesn’t have to suffer from hunger pangs and has a roof over her head, then maybe some good has come from all this supernatural stuff.” Dipper’s grin nearly leapt off his face, and Pacifica softened her stance. His mother was finally coming around and who was she to argue? “Don’t take it the wrong way, I’m still disappointed in you and your sister. But now’s not the time for recriminations.”

Dipper drew a serious expression. “Speaking of Mabel, I hope her retrieval mission is going as well as ours,” he said, emerging out into the wintry afternoon.

#gravity falls #gravity falls fanfic #dipper pines #pacifica northwest #dipper and mabel's parents

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archupnet · 21 hours ago

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historiessecret · 3 months ago

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The Chachapoya - warriors of the Clouds!! ☁️☁️

Who Were the Chachapoya? the Secrets of the “Warriors of the Clouds”!!! ☁️

High in the cloud-kissed Andean mountains of northern Peru, a mysterious civilization once flourished—one that left behind stone fortresses, breathtaking funerary art, and traces of a society both advanced and deeply spiritual. Known as the Chachapoya, or the “Warriors of the Clouds,” this ancient people thrived from roughly 800 CE to the early 1500s, long before they were subdued by the expanding Inca Empire and later impacted by Spanish colonization.

Though much of their written history is lost, archaeological remains and oral traditions continue to offer a window into their vibrant culture. This article offers a comprehensive, research-based exploration of the Chachapoya civilization, humanized for the curious reader and informative enough for scholars and educators.

Origins and Historical Background:

The Chachapoya civilization developed in the Amazon-Andean transitional zone, a rugged region rich in biodiversity and steeped in natural wonder. Archaeological evidence places their emergence around 800 CE, though earlier settlements in the area suggest cultural antecedents.

The term “Chachapoya” was used by the Inca, likely derived from Quechua, meaning “cloud people”. This is a fitting name considering their high-altitude settlements nestled within the cloud forests. Unlike coastal Peruvian civilizations such as the Moche or Nazca, the Chachapoya were geographically isolated, developing a distinct culture that blended Andean and Amazonian traditions.

Political Structure and Involvement:

There is no definitive evidence that the Chachapoya formed a centralized empire. Instead, they appear to have been a confederation of autonomous city-states or kin-based communities. These groups were united more by cultural and religious practices than by political domination.

In the 15th century, the Inca under Tupac Inca Yupanqui launched military campaigns to subdue the Chachapoya. Though eventually incorporated into the Inca Empire, they fiercely resisted Inca authority and later supported Spanish conquistadors against their Inca overlords. This involvement—though opportunistic—would lead to further displacement and decline.

Archaeological Wonders: Palatial Complexes and Urban Design

Among the most awe-inspiring remnants of Chachapoya civilization is the fortress of Kuélap, often dubbed the “Machu Picchu of the North.” Constructed around 900 CE, Kuélap sits atop a mountain ridge at nearly 3,000 meters above sea level. It features:

Massive outer walls, some as tall as 19 meters

Over 400 circular stone buildings, once covered by conical thatched roofs

Friezes of zigzag and diamond patterns symbolizing fertility and protection

Strategic narrow entrances, suggesting defensive planning

Other notable sites include Revash, where colorful cliff tombs mimic house facades, and Gran Pajatén, a ceremonial center featuring finely carved stone structures and mosaic art.

Economy and Trade Networks:

The Chachapoya adapted impressively to their mountainous environment through terrace farming, cultivating maize, quinoa, potatoes, and fruits. Their economy was agrarian-based, yet evidence of coastal and Amazonian goods indicates active trade routes that connected highland and lowland regions.

They traded items such as:

Ceramics and textiles

Medicinal plants and dyes

Feathers, coca leaves, and shells from distant zones

Llama caravans and human porters likely facilitated this interregional commerce, fostering cultural exchange and economic sustainability.

Artistic Legacy: Pottery, Textiles, and Funerary Art

The Chachapoya were accomplished artisans, known for:

Polychrome pottery adorned with geometric and zoomorphic motifs

Intricate textiles, often dyed with vibrant colors from local plants

Cliffside sarcophagi, such as those found at Karajía, shaped like human figures and painted with symbolic red and white pigments

Art was not merely decorative; it played an integral role in ritual, burial, and identity construction, signifying rank and ancestral ties.

Religious Beliefs and Ritual Practices:

Chachapoya religion was deeply animistic, centered around nature spirits, ancestors, and the mountains themselves. Their ritual practices involved:

Mummification of the dead and placement of sarcophagi in sacred mountain cliffs

Ceremonial use of coca leaves and chicha (fermented maize beer)

Feasts honoring ancestral spirits, often held in community plazas

These rites reflect a cosmology where the living and dead coexisted, and where the natural world was both a home and a sacred space.

Societal Organization and Wellbeing:

Though not hierarchically rigid like the Inca, the Chachapoya had a layered society, with chiefdoms and possibly female elites, as evidenced by elite burials containing high-status women. Communities were egalitarian, but responsibilities such as farming, defense, and ritual leadership were likely gendered and age-based.

Health and wellness practices were advanced:

Use of herbal medicine from Amazonian flora

Access to clean mountain water via aqueducts and springs

Communal structures for healthcare and food storage

Their lifestyle promoted sustainability, cooperation, and resilience in a harsh environment.

Engineering, Science, and Technology:

Despite lacking the wheel or metal tools, the Chachapoya were master engineers:

Constructed multi-tiered agricultural terraces

Designed seismic-resistant buildings using interlocking stones

Engineered drainage systems to manage heavy rainfall

Developed rope bridges and jungle paths to link settlements

Weaponry included stone clubs, slings, and spears, suggesting a society prepared for both defensive and guerrilla warfare.

Cultural Influence and Regional Significance:

Though less known globally than the Inca or Maya, the Chachapoya played a key role in shaping northern Andean culture. Their influence spread through:

Intermarriage with Amazonian groups

Adoption of artistic motifs by neighboring cultures

Integration into Inca imperial systems post-conquest

They also left linguistic traces, though much of their original language is lost. Their architectural styles influenced post-Inca Andean communities, particularly in northern Peru.

Natural Disasters and the Slow Decline

The Chachapoya faced recurring natural disasters, including:

Earthquakes, which threatened their stone buildings

Landslides and flooding, exacerbated by cloud forest erosion

Climate fluctuations affecting crop yields

Combined with Inca conquest (1470 CE) and Spanish colonization (post-1530s), these disasters contributed to population loss and cultural disintegration. The Spanish imposed Catholicism and erased many indigenous traditions, hastening the cultural vanishing of the Chachapoya people.

The Vanishing and Their Modern Echoes:

By the late 16th century, the Chachapoya as a political and cultural entity had largely disappeared. However, descendant communities still inhabit the region and retain some traditional practices.

In modern times:

Kuélap has become a major archaeological site, attracting global attention

Local Quechua-speaking populations claim lineage or cultural heritage

The Chachapoya are celebrated in Peruvian folklore and national identity

Efforts by archaeologists, historians, and indigenous leaders are helping to reconstruct and preserve Chachapoya heritage.

Conclusion: Why the Chachapoya Matter Today

The story of the Chachapoya is more than a tale of ancient ruins—it’s a narrative of resilience, adaptation, and lost wisdom. Their ability to create thriving societies in harsh terrain, their respect for nature, and their spiritual worldview offer valuable lessons in sustainable living and community resilience.

For historians, the Chachapoya offer a case study in resistance, as they navigated the pressures of imperialism while maintaining a distinct identity. For Peruvians and global citizens, they represent a lost chapter of human ingenuity and spiritual richness, hidden among the clouds.

As more archaeological discoveries unfold and technology enables deeper exploration, the Chachapoya continue to inspire and educate us—a testament to their enduring legacy.

#lostcivilizations #art history #archaeology #historiessecret #ancienthistory #archaeologylovers #culturalheritage #histories-secret #ancienttrade #ancientmysteries #ChachapoyaCivilization #AncientPeru #Archaeology #LostCultures #KuélapFortress

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grison-in-space · 1 year ago

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TL,DR: I like Fluff N Tuff and GoDogs and pretty much just buy those at this point. More under cut.

I really like my Fluff N Tuffs. While I teach my dogs not to dissect toys, I find that these are well constructed with strong interior seams, several layers of fabric that resist tears, and embroidered rather than button eyes to minimize removable pieces. We have Rocket Raccoon, Lobo Wolf, Gil Koi, and Ruby Rainbow Trout in more or less constant rotation at my house, with essentially zero damage for anyone. I've been eyeing lobster, shark, triceratops, hippo and elephant options for the next time I can splurge on a dog stuffy. It's been just about a year for most of them and with a run through the washing machine they'd be good as new. And the dogs enjoy carrying them around, whipping head back and forth, squeaking them repeatedly, playing keep-away and fetch and so forth. There's even a little guide to picking the best shapes for your particular dog's play style with stuffies; I generally look for Tug, Snuggle, and Fetch for my dogs.

(I do use stuffies for tug games, and I did have one bad experience with a Ross Brachiosaurus that Benton destroyed quickly a few years ago, with reviews that indicated there might have been a quality control problem at the time.)

I also really like GoDog stuffies for much the same reason. Their Triceratops is extremely popular in my household, as are their dragons. The shorter nap to the fabric used to make them means they don't collect icky drool as much as the Fluff N Tuffs can, but they are very nearly as durable and might be easier to find in some areas (Fluff N Tuff is based in Michigan and has a more limited retail distribution IME, although IIRC you're in the Great Lakes on the other end...).

I also have a rainbow Furball that has held up very well by merit of simply not having any appealing limbs to destroy or gnaw off; if Arthur is deliberately ripping things apart, sometimes a big soft ball can be a good compromise because there are fewer tempting places to make a hole. I was experimenting with this for Benton when I started teaching him how to treat his stuffies nicely and it was a really helpful bridge away from temptation. That said, both the Furball and the llama with similar hair I have have the same problem: ripping out the hair from the fabric is too tempting! I find the longer hair collects drool more as well. For that reason, if you want to take that route with Arthur I'd consider the Fluff N Tuff soft stuffed balls first.

I have not tried GoDog's "Double Chew Guard" line but I absolutely would give it a shot if your dog doesn't love picking at and nibbling any little holes to make them larger and wider. If your dog likes to rip stuff open and scatter the pieces, think about a "flat" or unstuffed stuffy that might have less tempting stuffing in it--or a stuffy toy designed to encourage the dog to rip out replaceable pieces, like the ubiquitous Urban Hound Hide-a-Squirrel style toy or this Frisco dinosaurs-in-a-volcano version. (The Frisco one even sells replacement dinosaurs, and the volcano is pretty damn sturdy; I've owned that one myself.)

Instead of trying to find toys Arthur can't destroy (he takes "can't" as a challenge), I should just get toys he can SAFELY destroy. But that might be just as hard.

Why do so many dog toys have to made with these little bits that can be so easily ingested? Or extremely shitty filling? Or really flimsy "rope" that is very easy to tear into little strings that get swallowed? I'm also so sick of toys being marketed as "durable" and then coming apart in 5 minutes. OR they are pretty durable and last a bit, but when they are destroyed the insides or pieces are dangerous.

It's so stupid. Are there any companies that are actually making quality SAFE toys for dogs? Especially soft toys. We do have some decent rubbery toys.

#dogs #dog toys #dogblr

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redwolf · 4 years ago

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Llama Urban Design designed Bridge House in Huntsville, Ontario -- via ArchDaily

#architecture #llama urban design

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humptydumptyunbroken · 8 years ago

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Bridgehouse by Llama Urban Design. Via: Dezeen.

#architecture #house #wood #Bridgehouse #Llama Urban Design

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facts-i-just-made-up · 3 years ago

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What up, my friend? Do you have any facts to share about guinea pigs?

I am outraged that after knowing me personally for only ten years, since before this blog even existed, you dare to call me a friend as if you know me and I follow you on instagram as I do. I wouldn't give you any facts about guinea pigs if my life depended on it.

Facts about guinea pigs:

The guinea pig is not a pig, but a very small llama.

The guinea pig is a type of domesticated animal, developed in ancient South America several millennia ago as a test subject for various medical procedures and drugs.

Guinea pigs have the longest life span to size ratio, living up to 140 years in captivity, or several thousand eons in nature.

Guinea pigs are all female. A male guinea pig is called a guinea ox.

Guinea pigs have the ability to reason and perform advanced feats of logic, and are useful in urban design, programming and game theory.

The German term for guinea pigs is “Meerschweinchen,” which means “little water hog” in reference to their amphibian nature.

Guinea pigs can eat only one substance, guinea slop, which is mostly made of cattle mucus and paprika.

Guinea pigs are considered a delicacy as food in some locations, such as Canada where they are liquefied as the main ingredient in poutine gravy.

Guinea pig meat may also have been served at The Last Supper, as they are one of the few animals considered kosher for Passover.

Guinea pigs are copyrighted by Peter Gurney and may not be bred, owned, or eaten without his written permission.

#guinea pig #cuy #cavy #animals #nature #unreality

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heyimzofia · 4 years ago

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40x30 residential in Willow Creek at the Cypress Terrace, for the Spencer-Kim-Lewis. It’s quite a large generational family home including an office, two living rooms, and an open concept kitchen.

It has so many bedrooms including a guest suite on the ground floor. As for the family, the two grandparents each have their own room and share a Jack-and-Jill bathroom, of course, there is a proper master suite and two bedrooms for kiddos with their own playroom area. Did I also mention that it’s got a stylish and modern design that’s filled with light woods and so much natural light! It’s a big build with a lot of CC :D

$339,180

SPEED BUILD

Gallery ID: hey_im_zofia

CC List:

Oasis Chick Living Set

Futura Living Set

Rooting for You

Livin’ Rum

Bafroom

Florence

Berawa Set

Sea Pup Plushie

RH Rug

Oak House

Pampa Rug

Rug Set

Modest Luxury Bedding Set

Kichen

Substitute Doll

Ken You Not

Urbane Kitchen Set

Coral Table Decor

Quilted Dreams Bedding

Coolala Bears

Small Cactus

Cup Hanger

Jardane

Nox Dining

Myra Living and Study Set

Paige Seating

Little Ceramics

Tiny Twavellers

Colorful Books

Craspedia Plant

Face Flower Pot

Aurea Canvas

Wool Rug

Eco Lovin!

Boo Bathroom Set

Drapery Delights Set

Holiday Pillows

Raorsome Kids Bedroom Set

Tellurium Cactus

Naomi Wardrobe

Fern

Nifty Knitting Buymode Expanded

Panda Pillow

Rugs Galore

Aurum Candles

Candles on books

Snowy Escape Bed Recolor

Mina Kitchen

London Set

Colonial Set

Bed Blanket and Pillows

Kids Slide

Uluwatu Set

Nordic Sideboards

Potted Pleasures Set

Sernity Bathroom

Kingston Dinning Set

Modern Tropical Print

Bowling Bench Recolor

Eames Lounge Chair

Rooting For You

Oasis Chick Living

Pufferhead Stuff

Hampton Gataway Set

Hudson Bathroom Set

Tribeca Tonics & Lotions

Myra Living and Study Set

Kiki Plants

Snow Escape Addons

Kumbatia Stuff

Caine Living

Orama Bathroom

Cobra Bedroom Set

Tiny Living Addon

Cycas Sink

Tokyo Bathroom

Candles

Almond End Table

Collector Bed

Wooden Decor

Book Clutter

Aurelia Dining Set

Laguna Bedroom

Man Sculpture

Shorter End Tables

Halcyon Set

TS3 Clutter

Tables Have Turned Table Set

Nomad Shape Decor

LP Player

Tiny Living Extras!

Skog lamps

Toy Bin

Urban Outfitters Rug

Flamingo Pillow

Llama planter

Safari Toddler Room

Stool

Plants Galore

Sleek Slumber

Mid Century Modern Living Room

Tidy Up Pack

Rock’n Rockers

Floor Lamp

Kitchen Clutter

Xenon Kitchen Runner

Snake Plant

Freed Nifty Knitting Plants

Misc Conversions Set

Sheer Curtains

Food Bowls

Chic Bathroom

Eco Living Bed Set

Shaker Kitchen

Marble Tub

Banana Tree

Moroccan Tiles

Glass Tiles

Marble Tiles

Wood Floors

Terrazzo Floors

Hexagon Floor Tiles

Tall Bookcases

Kid Rug

H&B Store Stuff

Country Collection

Kyoto

RVSN x SP Living Room Set

Atwood Dining

Vera Office Set

Apple Computers

Ikea Side Tables

Eco Lifestyle Plus

Nickel Desk

Bathroom Set

Leaning Photo Frame

Little Art Mini Easel

Nomad Rug

Mio-Sim’s Bathroom Conversion Set

#sims4 speed build #maxis match #ts4 maxis cc #sims 4 maxis cc #ts4 maxis match #speed build #sims 4 speed build #sims 4 #family home #family house #large #generations home #modern #open floor plan #light #natural light #contemporary #with cc #youtube

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disneyat34 · 5 years ago

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Saludos Amigos at 34

A review by Adam D. Jaspering

In 1941, World War II was raging. A number of Latin American countries were beginning to sympathize with the Axis Powers. The Roosevelt administration did not want fascist ideology creeping into the western hemisphere. The State Department needed an ambassador to steer South America towards US interests. They needed Walt Disney.

Walt Disney Animation Studios was in a precarious situation in 1941. For starters, Disney Studios made an irreversible pivot towards feature filmmaking. After the success of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, the company expanded. The Hyperion Disney Studio had been abandoned for the larger, more lavish, and pricier Burbank Studio. It was a great cost, but one Disney hoped to offset with his next few pictures.

Disney expected up to 75% of his gross revenue to be earned internationally. Because of the war, the European film market had dried up. As a direct result, Pinocchio and Fantasia were financial losses. Disney had spent too much money and was not earning it back.

These financial struggles culminated in the most infamous labor dispute in the company’s history. Layoffs were imminent, and Disney could only promise security to a small fraction of his 1200 employees. This was the tipping point for the Disney Studio staff.

While Disney proved his mettle as a cartoonist and filmmaker, his business savvy was underdeveloped. Disney was running his big company like a little company, not delegating tasks or departmentalizing. There were wild discrepancies in employee pay and benefits. Animators earned anywhere from $12-$300 a week for the same output of work. Disney, unsympathetic to his employee’s complaints, refused to amend his practices. The ensuing Disney Animator’s Strike lasted from May 29 to September 14th, 1941.

As a result of downsizing and retaliatory firings, Disney Studios exited the strike with only 694 employees. A majority of them, rather incensed by the ordeal. Disney needed three things to keep his company afloat. First, enough money to keep production financially stable. Second, a new market to sell his films until Europe became viable again. Third, he needed to recuse himself from duty until animosity subsided. The US Department of State could provide all three.

The deal was simple. Disney would embark on a 10-week goodwill tour to South America, financed by the United States Government. He would visit Argentina, Brazil, Chile, and Peru. Disney would convince the populace, media, and politicians that The United States was an ally worth keeping. For his cooperation, Disney was given federal loan guarantees, staving off bankruptcy.

Disney brought sixteen faithful employees along on the journey. They were a combination of animators, writers, and composers. They were tasked with soaking up the culture, atmosphere, and influence. Disney Studios would use these inspirations to create two films especially for Latin American audiences: Saludos Amigos (1942) and The Three Caballeros (1944).

Saludos Amigos is comprised of four independent segments, each one centered on a different area of South America: The Peruvian highlands, the Chilean Andes, the Argentinian Pampas, and Rio de Janeiro. Between these segments is video footage of Disney and his crew touring the continent. Perhaps to bookend the segments. Perhaps to ground the cartoons in a sense of reality. Perhaps to pad the runtime; Saludos Amigos is only 42 minutes long!

The first segment is titled Lake Titicaca, taking place at the namesake body of water, resting on the Peruvian and Bolivian border. The short features Donald Duck on vacation.

Donald Duck is one of the most popular characters in the Disney pantheon, and this is his feature film debut. He is appearing in a short within a movie, but it still counts as a feature film debut. Donald is a very static character. You know exactly who he is, what he is capable of, and what sort of situations he will find himself in. Some misfortune will befall him, he’ll overreact, and his anger will exacerbate the situation.

How he behaves in Lake Titicaca is exactly how he behaves in every short. Donald plays a tourist vacationing in Peru. He gets altitude sickness. He upsets a llama. His boat sinks and he’s plunged into the lake. The rope bridge he’s walking across falls apart, sending him careening down a gorge. It’s funny, the slapstick is well done, and it is paced well. It is a very typical Donald Duck cartoon.

It is so representative of Donald Duck, it could easily serve as a stand-alone short. It didn’t need to be part of a movie at all. There’s no massive increase in artistic style. No daring adventure in animation techniques. No groundbreaking backgrounds or design. Disney raised the bar for five consecutive films. Now he was lowering it.

In fairness, the artists did depict the Peruvian environment in a vivid manner. It’s a travel advertisement that doesn’t feel like one. The native craftwork, clothing, and culture are on full display, just as intended.

For the first half of the short, anyway. Partway, the focus drifts away from Donald Duck visiting Peru to Donald Duck’s wacky hijinks with a llama. In short, Lake Titicaca does a decent job of portraying Peru. However, the focus is on Donald Duck first. Peru is simply the backdrop.

The second featurette is Pedro. Pedro is a personified airplane, the baby in a family of personified airplanes. Pedro’s father’s job is carrying the mail between Chile and Argentina. Every day, he flies over the treacherous Andes. One day, Pedro must fill-in for his father. It’s a parable about growing up and accepting responsibility.

The task and the journey is formidable. It’s made all the more complicated by Aconcagua, the tallest mountain in South America. More than an obstacle, Aconcagua is also personified. He is an angry and territorial mountain, with the ability to control the weather. Whenever planes bother him, he creates storms. It makes little sense. Personified airplanes also make little sense. Clearly, we can accept a large quantity of silliness.

Much like Lake Titicaca, Pedro is enjoyable, but offers little in terms of cinematic grandeur. It’s easy to understand why. Disney and his group returned from South America in October, 1941. Saludos Amigos debuted in August, 1942. Cinematic grandeur was not the goal. A finished product was the goal.

Throughout the rest of the 1940s, Disney would be releasing a series of package films. Shorts, cobbled together without much rhyme or reason, released as a feature. The combination of Disney’s financial woes and reduced staff forced him to dial his filmic aspirations back. For the foreseeable future, his productions needed to be fast, cheap, and accessible. Saludos Amigos was the forefather of these films.

While the cartoon is underwhelming, it’s not necessarily bad. The major problem is, Pedro offers a very poor representation of Chile. Lake Titicaca offered Peru and its environments as a backdrop. Pedro seems determined to ignore its setting. If young Pedro was carrying mail from Denver to Sacramento, and a personified Pike’s Peak was giving him grief, very little would be changed. There is no Chile in this cartoon dedicated to Chile.

Chileans themselves were well aware of this slight. Chilean cartoonist René Ríos “Pepo” Boettiger was especially frustrated. After seeing Saludos Amigos, Pepo created a truly Chilean cartoon character. Condorito, an animated condor, debuted in 1949. Beginning as a simple comic strip, Condorito has been syndicated internationally, featured in his own comic books, been adapted to TV, film, and a webseries. He remains popular in Chile and throughout Latin America. It’s easy to get inspired by art you like. You can also be inspired by art you don’t like.

Next in the program is El Gaucho Goofy. Here, Disney staple Goofy makes his feature film debut. By 1941, Goofy’s schtick was drifting away from narrative-driven comic shorts and towards a parody of instructional videos. Already, he had “instructed” on baseball, skiing, swimming, fishing, and martial arts. These themed shorts would continue all the way to the 1960s.

El Gaucho Goofy aims to teach the differences between an American cowboy and a South American gaucho. Both have the same job, tending to cattle on the open prairie. The short highlights the regional and cultural differences.

A defining aspect of these satirical Goofy shorts, Goofy is at constant odds with an omniscient narrator. Goofy either tries and fails to follow the provided instructions, or follows the instructions too closely, resulting in disaster. The slapstick is one mere aspect of the humor. The remainder is a dissonance between what the narrator deadpans, and what Goofy actually delivers.

El Gaucho Goofy is funny in its own right. What’s more, Goofy is truly representing the life of a gaucho on the Argentinian Pampas. The short is basic, but entertaining, informative and detailed. Another strike against Pedro, outclassed in dignity and competency by Goofy.

The final segment of the film is Aquarela do Brasil (Watercolor of Brazil). Here, Donald Duck is employed once again. Not simply a sightseer in a foreign land, Donald is paired with Jose Carioca, a parrot and enthusiastic Brazilian patriot. Donald’s fiery temper and bad luck are sidelined for a whirlwind travelogue of Rio de Janeiro.

At the time of filming, Rio was the third most populous city in the western hemisphere (it’s currently fifth). It was the clear intention of the filmmakers to highlight the urban metropolis in all its modern glory. A deliberate rebranding of South America as not just farmers and rural villages. South America also houses centers of industry, culture and commerce, on par with New York.

But when featuring Brazil, one has an obligation to depict the country as a whole. The urban splendor must be paired with the natural beauty. The Amazon river basin and the Pantanal are magnificent natural wonders. Their unique ecosystems and indigenous life contribute to Brazil’s evolution as an empire. Even miles outside the city, there are sights to behold.

The Disney animators depict the natural landscapes well. They create a beautiful watercolor wonderland. A disembodied paintbrush swoops in from offscreen, creating the world in real time. We are given a contrast of deep greens, vivid fluorescents, and rich pastels. It’s very post-impressionistic in style and saturation.

When the short introduces Jose, it shifts into an exploration of Rio de Janeiro’s cityscape. Jose shows off trademark Brazilian interests, including nightclubs and a cachaça bar. Here, Donald partakes of his first glass of cachaça (a Brazilian spirit distilled from sugarcane, quite similar to rum).

Saludos Amigos, not fully intended for children, has no shame depicting Donald Duck drinking hard liquor. For what it’s worth, he doesn’t seem to enjoy it. Not that the drink tastes bad, Donald can’t stomach alcohol at all. It’s a strange thing to both feature alcohol as a cultural highlight to be respected, but also outwardly discouraging the beverage to a percentage of the viewing audience. Such is the problem of using a children’s cartoon character as a cultural ambassador.

The character of Jose Carioca has a lot of personality. Even more when compared to an oddly subdued Donald, serving as an everyman and American analog. Jose is a passionate, excitable motormouth who launches into long monologues in his native Portuguese. He is often oblivious to Donald not understanding. He has much love for his native Brazil, and is quick to share it with everyone. He especially loves music and dance.

So much so, the movie has no choice but to end on a samba number. Like Fantasia before it, Saludos Amigos has no coda, no outro, and no farewell. Just a title card reading “The End.” Combined with its 42-minute runtime, I can imagine many audience members sitting confused in the theater, waiting for the movie to continue.

Saludos Amigos was never intended to be a masterpiece. It was a piece of propaganda and a tax write-off cobbled together in less than nine months. There are individual elements of the movie to be enjoyed, but nothing especially noteworthy. Had it been made by any studio besides Disney, it would be relegated to obscurity. Not that Saludos Amigos is a celebrated entry in the Disney canon.

The story behind the film’s production is more interesting than the movie itself. Walt & El Grupo, a 2008 documentary, fully detailed Disney and his South American tour. It’s clear that The Walt Disney Company, owner of the archival footage and distributor of the final work, had creative control. Details of Disney’s interoffice troubles and financial debts are briefly mentioned, but the film focuses instead on a recreation of his South American tour. The end result is a very dry, unengaging film.

Despite every problem with Saludos Amigos, it did improve American/South American relations during WWII. The Axis powers had tried to influence South America, but by 1944, Latin America fully embargoed both Germany and Italy. Saludos Amigos didn’t achieve much, but it helped stop fascism from conquering the world. How many movies can make that claim?

Fantasia Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Pinocchio Bambi Dumbo Saludos Amigos

#Saludos Amigos #Walt Disney #Walt Disney Animation Studios #Disney #disney studios #Film Criticism #film analysis #review #Disney Canon

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archatlas · 6 years ago

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do you know any modern examples of bridge houses, literally houses built on bridge

Check out these bridge houses:

Bridge House Platt Architecture

Bridge House LLAMA urban design

Château de Chenonceau

Bridge House Will Armster

Bridge House Max Pritchard Architect

#Dear ARCHy #Architecture

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lavenderek · 5 years ago

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hi guys julie and i were talking about potential star wars stories that aren’t a part of this whole skywalker destiny shit all the canon movies can’t seem to let go of

and julie’s idea surrounded lesbians and a very heavy presence of Life Day because she hates me and wants me to be unhappy

my idea does not have life day in it because i have a soul. this was my idea that i pitched to her while i did my laundry and i dont think she was very impressed but i am impressed with myself.

so our main character is kristen stewart but purple. like her skin is a dusty sort of pastel lavender. but don’t let that fool you into thinking she is delicate - she is Indiana Jones But Backwards And In Space. her hair is like leonardo dicaprio’s in titanic, but wavy.

her name is Gax McKu and she is an archaeologist. she is the protag of a series. her whole thing is that she likes to discover and learn about ancient cultures and artifacts, but she fuckin hates museums. and if another archaeologist is sponsored by someone who instructs them to bring the artifact to a private collection or a museum, she tracks it down and steals it and puts it back where it is supposed to be. so it’s sometimes indiana jones and sometimes ocean’s 11, because she has to do a heist to get the thing back.

it’s just that other cultures and societies are lateral moves from gax’s own, neither superior nor inferior, and if somebody took some shit from her home planet she’d be peeved. besides, if we “discover” all the shit and take it away, there will eventually be nothing left for future scientists and historians to “discover.”

anyway, i digress.

this all takes place well before the prequels.

ACT I

we find our protagonist at a dig site, and she has unearthed something totally baller like the fossilized bones of a gigantic space condor or like a prehistoric buried treasure or something, and she’s just like crouching and dusting it carefully, looking very shrewd and sexy. she’s probably got like colleagues also dusting shit and one of them brings her a rock and they talk about the rock. idk.

this planet is like a mixture of how white people see africa, and australia. like some parts are a desert and some parts are a jungle kind of moment with lots of alien creatures.

the people whose home planet this is, is - you remember in return of the jedi when there is a keyboardist who looks like a big soft elephant puppet?

it’s those guys.

so they come up to gax at the dig site and interrupt her work, and she is very debonair about how she stands up and brushes her hands off to speak with them. they’re mad and they’re pointing at her and stuff. she understands their language and speaks to them in english like han does. she’s like “i don’t know what you’re talking about. we are here for this excavation only.”

they take her to one of their cities in a vehicle that’s like a wide flat oval thing with a single wheel underneath in the very center. roads are on faintly glowing tracks. this isn’t an extremely urban type of city, there is a lot of greenery and the buildings are etched adobe clay. they are well maintained. this is a people who take care of their community and have a lot of dignity.

she is brought to what we would assume is a beautiful chapel or church or something, with lots of colors painted in a very small geometric tessellation, but gax isn’t shocked or moved by this so we can assume she is familiar with these cities and culture.

inside there is a vast collection of like beautiful stoneware, like marble and opal and granite and shit. lovely. but the biggest pedestal is empty. they glare at her and say stuff to her. she’s very gruffly like, “why would i take your moonstone sphere? i already catalogued this, check with jan bourno.”

they insist and so she has to travel to another city, with a nervous friend who is john cho but he’s got a computer head like that computer head guy in cloud city.

don’t tell me who this guy is or correct me that it’s just a thing he wears like google glass, because i don’t care. it’s a computer head and im the boss.

john cho’s name is Flienn and he’s got a devastatingly handsome beard.

they go to the other city because she’s got to investigate who took the thing. then she finds who took the thing and it’s a white guy, obviously. she fights him. gax has this cool laser knife that uses the same tech as a light saber but it doesn’t buzz as loud or glow as bright, which means she wears it in a holster on her belt, because she’s impossibly hot. flienn is held back by henchmen. he’s very damsel in distress. but gax wins and gets the bad guy to tell her who hired him.

he was paid to get this thing because it is expensive and the rich guy collects rich stuff. he communicated through envoy and all he has is a name and a planet. the rich guy’s name is pelius bragnar. he’s scary. flienn checks on his computer head and tells gax that all records of bragnar have been wiped from any kind of system.

ACT II

they fly to pelius bragnar’s planet, and it’s a forest planet but it’s not like the endor moon, it’s just a very vertical, tree-based city with a lot of stone paths and structures based around the trees. this place is very urban, with a huge class gap. it is heavily policed and obviously corrupt. she meets an old colleague who is now a prosecutor. she is played by gabourey sidibe. her name is Graunda. she calls gax Sabine, and it turns out gax isn’t her birth name, which flienn did not know but gax makes it clear he’s not allowed to call her sabine.

graunda is like, “yeah i know pelius bragnar, i was trying to shut down his gang that operates a drug ring and has the police force in his pocket, and so to control me they kidnapped my little sister. i can tell you where their gang does most of its operations on this planet if you promise to save my sister.”

gax is like, “i don’t know what about my chosen profession indicated to you i was some kind of rescuer of sisters.”

“ok, i’ve known you for like fifteen years and it’s not like you don’t have a history of vigilantism,” says graunda, “but go off i guess.”

flienn is all, “the sphere probably isn’t being kept where they do their gang business, but this is all we have to go on.” flienn’s whole job in the narrative is to be stressed and point out the obvious in case the viewers are kathy and don’t get it. he mapquests the way there with his computer head and they have to devise a carefully designed plan to get in, this is the ocean’s 11 part.

gax is expecting graunda’s sister to be like some 19-year-old and is not expecting her to be the pinnacle of beauty and femininity. she’s in her mid 30s and has big hips and perfect dark skin and almond eyes with like orange eyeshadow. she looks like a monster high doll if monster high dolls were fat and shaped like real people. her hair’s in twists that she’s got all along the crown of her head like a tiara, and then the rest of her hair is in these two low buns on the back of her head and they’re really big and round. they are wrapped in a golden thread. like my point is she’s a total babe and there is a fuckload of sexual tension.

her name is Lamaa. not like llama, the accent is on the second syllable.

they find her like locked in some kind of interrogation room. flienn cracks the code to the door. lamaa’s obviously been roughed up a little bit, and is tired.

lamaa is super upset when gax tells her they can’t leave yet. gax is like, “sorry to add to what has probably been a shitty week for you, but what i came here for is a moonstone sphere.” maybe she goes over the history of the object a little bit. idk.

they spy on somebody who somehow reveals where pelius lives, and there is a gala there next week. they aren’t expecting the tech in this room to have spyware that detects flienn’s computer head the way your work computer knows when you’re trying to plug your phone into the usb port to charge. they have to escape. lamaa is super smart but only ok with weapons and doesn’t have a lot of upper body strength so there’s a lot of sexy peril.

they escape by the skin of their teeth and are now wanted by the corrupt police. they have to hide out in like the tree planet equivalent of a shitty motel and there is a hot love scene between gax and lamaa obviously, like, duh. it’s very steamy and people will be jerking off to it for eight hundred years.

flienn is bi. he doesn’t have a love interest in this installment, im just putting it out there.

ACT III

they go in disguise to the gala, which means they have to dress in formal wear, which is also extremely sexy. lamaa wears a silky backless gown and her hair is coiled in a rope braid beehive. gax wears a formal vest and her hair in a slight bouffant. flienn wears a traditional fancy costume that involves sheer fabric wrapped around him and covering part of his head. he is not religious and doesn’t usually dress this way, but he has to hide his computer head. also he’s wearing eyeliner because why don’t more dudes wear eyeliner? it’s not even because he’s bi. lots of dudes wear eyeliner where he is from.

they sneak around and find the sphere. i guess this is ocean’s 13, when matt damon has to seduce his way into the diamonds room. they get caught in there and are all held prisoner. gax and lamaa argue but it’s obviously just because lamaa is very scared of pelius, which makes flienn even more scared of pelius, which puts gax in a bad mood. she doesn’t really get scared until the physical danger begins.

the physical danger begins. pelius comes in, The pelius. he is a twi’lek. he does a lot of sinister taunting and gax is mad because she’s nervous.

lamaa escapes the ropes she is tied up with somehow and is able to get gax’s laser knife to her and they have to fight pelius’s henchmen, and they steal the sphere, and while she’s there anyway lamaa steals all his fancy gold and jewels and sticks them in her cleavage. they climb to the roof and use flienn’s drapes of fabric to zipline down some like fuckin ropes strung along all the treehouses and escape. pelius is like curse you gax mcku, i would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling adults!! and your little computer head too!!! he is left as a future antagonist.

lamaa is obviously a target now on the tree planet, so she goes back to the elephant puppet planet with gax. there’s another love scene but gax finds all the jewels and shit in lamaa’s bra. she’s like, “you can’t keep these.”

lamaa is like, “i figured, i just didn’t want him to have them. i don’t know where these go.”

so future stories will probably involve them trying to put those things back while also being chased by pelius and his drug lords.

they all return to the dig, and now lamaa is wearing archaeologist clothes like gax, and her hair is pulled to the back of her head with a fancy barrette. gax is once again interrupted, but this time it’s by the guy who stole the sphere in the first place. he’s like, “pelius is going to kill me for giving up who hired me, and it’s your fault.”

gax is like, “you’re an embarrassment to the science of archaeology. you’ve gone against the very tenets of our profession and i don’t care what happens to you.”

this obviously makes him feel shitty, but rather than internalizing it he just hates her guts. he leaves, and she goes back to the dig and doesn’t watch him go. but he glares with contempt over his shoulder, because he will also be an antagonist in future installments.

and that guy’s name?

SHEEV PALPATINE.

i’m just kidding, these are all new characters, his name is like george or something.

the end.

give me money.

#YES i named kstews character after the character she plays in the totinos sketch YES im a girl #space fights #thing by betp #gax mcku

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