#My life had imploded
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this place is a painful kind of homecoming
as the moirai weave my destiny the thread falls in the same place
The refuge for my relinquishment
The locus of my surrender
i miss it
i wish to never return
remaining the same even as I have changed
#Written wordss#This is kind of ass but I wrote it as I was at my favorite spot on campus#I love it#Most every memory is painful#I started to lose myself there#But it was also a place I could rest#When I would go from calculus to chem my freshman year and my muscles were weak and I was fatigued#And I couldn’t make it to class and I would realize that I was going to be late#And I was going to be late again#No matter how hard I pushed myself I was going to be late#I would check the time and see I was late and just stop there#I would sit down on the bench because I was exhausted#So fucking tired#and I remember that one of those days was after I had started seeing my rheumatologist post a blood test#And my results came in and sitting on that bench I realized that I probably had a muscular disease#After I switched my major I was there sitting on that bench#My life had imploded#I love sociology but it was just another sign that the life I had planned and everything I had worked for no longer existed#I sat on that bench after I was told that I was off course for my degree program and would have to submit a petition to continue with uni#I’ve cried there more than anywhere else on campus#Barring my freshman year dorm room because I used to just silently cry from the pain and embarrassment my disease made me feel while in bed#Anyways that place is everything to me#It’s so beautiful#I’m always drawn to it#I love it so much#I always tell people it’s my favorite place if we happen to be in the area#It just is painful; a painful kind of love
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Have some very low effort AU doodles
#Heng is so pretty…#Shuanshuan had an older sister now and they will get along great#them together is too much cuteness in one room Yi’s heart will implode#also the siblings reuniting was definitely quite shocking for both of them#Yi had been mourning her for two years at that point while in the peach blossom village#Heng I think would only have been awake for a few months at this point so she hadn’t quite gotten to the point he had#she had also been having to cope with her entire life being taken from her so it was just a lot#she’ll definitely get over the emotional whiplash of Yi being alive way faster than he will with her#he’s suddenly rethinking his past choices..#art#my art#doodle#nine Sols#nine Sols au#stowaway au#nine Sols stowaway au#nine Sols yi#nine Sols heng#nine sols shuanshuan
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getting a diagnosis for smthn is actually so crazy. 22 years old and looking back at my whole life like OHHHHHH. I GET IT NOW
#was kinda chill at the gp the other day when she was like yeah You have pmdd <3 but i've truly had it on my mind all day every day since#bc it quite literally explains EVERYTHING. my life went to shit at 12 i literally self-imploded and took out everything in the vicinity#and it was literally bc i was hormonal. bc that was around the age i started getting a cycle#and for as long as ive been getting periods they've been hell on earth in some way or another#i spent 3 years at uni thinking i genuinely had a personality disorder bc of how insane my mood swings were#id act in ways that scared MYSELF id convince myself so wholly of totally irrational things#and a week later id look back in horror like what WAS that#and it was bc of pmdd. it was bc every time im due on i am incapable of regulating hormones most people deal with#like it's not just 'pms but a bit worse' it's a DISORDER. it's IN THE DSM5#it's a serious fucking thing they're MEDICATING ME FOR bc it's DEBILITATING#no wonder i wasn't dealing w it well!!! and reading all these quotes from people who also have it and seeing myself in them#and how isolated and crazy they felt pre-diagnosis is so!! like i truly feel so relieved even just having this diagnosis#even if the meds dont work and i have to try something else it's just !!!! oh my god !!!!
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(empty look of death)
#in case you're wondering how i'm doing uhh#ya boy is considering opening commissions at some point#on account of his life rapidly going to shit#given the whole 'i either spend all my savings fixing my car or i spend all my savings getting a new car'#'and i don't have many other options because it's either i go to work or the company physically implodes and i don't have a job anymore'#benefits of being the one load-bearing employee <333#because your main terrible boss never managed to pick up anyone else as all the other employees left one by one <333#anyway. sorry. i've been. crying on and off all day#it's not like there haven't been good times these past six months (i've been grabbing little mouthfuls of life) but#i'm feeling it on my psyche. i'm feeling the fact that i've been holding my brain to the grindstone since 2023 and it's <333 bad <3333#the fact that twice today i've had brief Ideations tells you all you need to know </333#anyway. i will be okay. ultimately.#life has to get easier sooner or later but. unironically i may need to look into supplementing my job income#or else i'm not going to survive the upcoming gap season
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One thing I thinks kinda funny about the DPxBatfam boom is the fact that the shippers straight up skipped Dick. Im always seeing Danny/Jason or Danny/Tim even Danny/Damien sometimes.
But even back in the day when DPxDC meant Dick Greyson as robin and the teen titans everywhere or maybe a Young Justice plotline STILL no one ever shipped Danny with Dick like ??
They usually were just twins seperated at birth or something, but he doesnt even get that anymore. Secret twin plotlines always go to Damien now lmao.
#if there was crossover shipping with teen titans it was usually with Raven#edgelord danny who had his whole life implode on him and the giw currently hunting him has continued on thru it all#YJxDP isnt as likely to have a ship tho in my experience#it tended towards canon ships#the trends of niche fandom crossovers is one of my favorite things
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Misha Collins - Chairs at Cons
Part One
#misha collins#chairs#con moments#working my way through the seemingly endless folders of misha photos on my phone#i love those pink pants#he definitely loves to lean on chairs#if he's not meandering on stage#i had a whole series of posts i started last may before my life imploded and just forgot about the rest of them
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God forbid I like anyone's son normally (take all of these ramblings as platonic because no we aren't together....yetHAHAHAHAHA)
MY SHAYLAAAAAAAA (I can't spam post about him on my other socmeds because my irls cannot know about me crashing out over this guy. So unfortunately you guys get the blunt of all of it. Feel free to ignore it tho hehe, I just need to freak out.)
+ I think there's something comforting about two artists creating together. For context he's a pianist and I, an artist. He plays the piano and I listen to the melody as a draw. It's heartwarming really, to know that just on the other side of my computer screen someone else is doing something they're passionate about, and that they're doing it alongside me. Both artists with different mediums but ultimately their goal is the same, to share this piece of their soul with each other.
#cee crashout over an irl? thats crazy. never thought id see the day#guys i mentioned how beabadobee was my favourite artist and he played glue song on the piano (i wasn't requesting songs yet)#like would you call me a loser if i said i teared up over this little bit?#then like for the next 2 hours he just played whatever song i requested (YES. ALL OF THEM. HE'S THAT GOOD AT PIANO.)#is it bad that i feel special 😭? like for me it seemed like he really wanted me to be in his live so he could play songs that i like ?#AGAIN ALL PLATONIC#EVEN IF IT SURE AS HECK DOESN'T FEEL LIKE IT#like oh dude the crash out i had was so badd#oh and i told him that i was drawing along side him + my roommates bday present + i inserted this little drawing of him as well#im sorry that i cant like someone normally-#like posting about it on socmed is insane. posting about it on Tumblr is insane. but like i have to crashout or else i will implode on myse#surprisingly he's the golden retriever in this duo of ours.#like idc about anything- he played the piano for me so like. wow dude okay my life is yours wth?#(I'M SO ANNOYING ABOUT THIS IM SORRY)#��� i dont even need a crush back just keep being friends with me pls#if this bit doesn't end well im actually gonna be disappointed for the rest of my life.#GUYS HES SUCH A LOSER. HE MENTIONED HOW HE WANTS ME TO JOIN HIS LIVE.#and i got like scared cuz i didnt wanna like be with his friends and stuff#and he reassured na no one joins his lives anyways so it'll just be us#THE WAY I LAUGHED SO BADLY
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me when i meet with my colleges first out trans teacher who is like a celebrity with me after one of my teachers puts me in contact with her again (i had interviewed said trans teacher 4 years prior and hadnt met with her since) and she tells me tjat my teacher had so many positive things to say about me, about how i was one of her brightest most well spoken students and that she (within like 5 minutes of having been talking) immediately sees exactly what my professor had been talking about and so many super implied positives about me that i would never had known about and i dod everything in my power to avoid prying for more details but even what i heard was soso nicies
#iwillspeakincessantly#god it felt so nice to meet with her again#talking woth someone whos been so influential at my school and the whole state as far as transgender and queer policy making and has#so many connections amd experience and is also trans and historically a teacher bfor she retired#genuinely makes me feel so much better about my life and where im going#and less worried about if ill ever be able to live a peaceful life as a trans twacher when she personally knows#multiple other transmen tbats shes taught who are now teaching IN MY STATE#safely and happily#ough#we said wed meet more in the future and she encouraged me to join the cities pride group that she had founded and is the head of#and maybe tjis time ill actjally go#she even gifted me a book that she had had that she thinks would give me solace and comfort in my life#tbat was also written by a trans man sinxe she thinks im easily intelligent enough to get the humor and referwnces in#god she said i was well spoken and articulated even tho i feel so stupid and inarticulate sometimes#since i ramble a lot and lose my thoughts and i feel like my speaking vocabulary is so lowbrow and cheap often#no matter how many times other peope say i always sound so intelligent when i speak#ARGH#been super steessed about a lot of things in my life and if ill make it out alive but just this short hour and a half convo over a food#has made me feel so mich better and happier and hopeful#argh argh ougj i love finding out that people talk immense amount of positive things about me#god#i was rlaking about how often i struggle woth socializing amd making friends and she aas like really? ive been having a wondefful time#walkimg with you youre so intelligent and well spoken and its like thank you my issues ckme from group settings#and unclear un familiar subjects and ettiqutes of my fellow youths#but it made me feel so good about myself#im gonna implode :333333 positive
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If I'm not around much the next couple days, it's just cause I'm absolutely exhausted from work + procedure. But I miss House and hanging out on here, so hopefully answering asks asap and more screencaps and rewatch this weekend :3 Maybe even some In the Dirt planning if I'm lucky
#me when i finally finish chapter four: sorry this took (x) months. there was toxic mold in my house and it made my health implode and i had#to move to a new place#'also i found out i have my own sexy genetic disorder. how very thematic to the fic' (lighthearted)#of course eds is nowhere near as scary as huntington's and has a normal life expectancy#(except for veds but i do not have symptoms that point to that)#my version of the 'sorry this chapter took forever i was in jail' meme LMAO#i know no one minds when i'm not around but like ive said previously this blog is also sort of a journal for me. so. for future me#anya shush#the irony here is just: writes fic about blorbo coping with health problems and genetic disorder. then deals with health problems and#genetic disorder#lmao
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Once it warms up so I can wear t-shirts again and I get laser on my face it's fucking over I'm not even kidding I'm gonna pass so well
#starting laser early next month#i was doing it a couple years ago but my life imploded and i had to stop for a while
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Almost forgot how it feels to be so anxious I can't breathe! Thanks for the reminder, auto shop <3!
#dont mind me! i am#venting#my head feels lkke it's going to implode#i need hot chocolate or i will die#life would be so easy if i had $100000000000000 monies#ren won't shut up#trying so hard to not let this get yo me#haven't even cried (yet)#aughrgrg money isn't an issue i got that i just#ive spent so much already#and i was hoping to have made progress#and it feels like i haven't
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banning the word girl from my vocabulary for good thanks 😉
#hiiiii im here to girlsplain to you that you need to do better you privileged asshats!!! now you know😘💋#tiktok is fucking brainrot at least engage critically!! hope that helps xx#i never found this movement or joke or whatever it is funny but now ive started to see the actual feasible harm it has inflicted onto#my own surrounding so i need to gear up and tell everyone that they are actively contributing to make the world a little bit worse 🥰🥰🥰#im not a girls girl i will actually beat a mf that dares to excuse their efforts to minimalize intellectualism and literacy#girlpunch if you will🥹#nope im not letting people enjoy things and have fun if they dont realize that these little online actions have real life consequences#i wish people had the spine to say YES i do little stupid trends on tiktok AND that makes me actively anti-progression!#yes im just a girl and i slow down liberation! so what 😇 yes and? 🤪#but noooo they have to do ALLLL that and still try to avoid responsibility like yes it is that deep and it is that bad#you gotta make a choice eithet keep having girlfun and girlignorance but stand by it OR drop the fucking act and CONTRIBUTE#you cant have both..#anyways yeah i will actually implode if i see the word girl one more time☺️☺️☺️#personal
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It's a shame owl city hasn't put out anything new in like ten years. But ending on the ultraviolet ep means he at least went out on a good note. Too bad nothing came of that ep
#sorry it's apparently time for my bi-yearly modern owl city rant#the ultraviolet ep truly feels like the last thing he put his heart into#it just felt so unique and new and different. i was soooo excited for the direction he was taking#was listening to pre-2015 music of his and like. god what happened#mobile orchestra wasn't *terrible* but it felt so ... lifeless. so... burned out. like i personally wouldn't even call it a good album.#cinematic was better but still ... eh. it gave me hope at least.#coco moon imploded that hope. is he a youth pastor now??? it's fine if he is but like ... that was like veggie tales: the album#at least he sounded like he was actually enjoying himself. but god every song was the same corny structure#kelly time would've been fine if it was the only song like that!! but they all ended with the same addressing the audience#with 'so you see life is cool and you should enjoy it and the lessons it teaches' i just. adam how did we get here#well actually the closer was fine bc it was a totally normal love song to his partner. thank god it had one song that didn't do that#and the religious songs are so... on the nose now. what happened to angels... galaxies... meteor shower... kamikaze.... i still adore those#it's funny that bastille are now doing the same concept of an album but WAYYYY better. god i can't wait for the full '&' release#alright i think rant over. anyway#sorry one last thing. in my heart i knew it was joever when the one song from ultraviolet that made it to the next album#was the one Sad Inspirational life goes on we just have to accept it and learn from it. (oh my god. it was the proto-coco moon...)#he left beautiful times and wolf bite and up all night behind for the sake of this isn't the end???#it's honestly for the best that he chose it bc any of the other 3 would've really highlighted how bland the rest of mobile orchestra was#alright. NOW rant over
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can i turn off hard mode for life causeee
#shit is wayyyy too much rn like my job is imploding + becoming toxic which i never expected#plus my car just cost me what little savings i had like ??? can i just book concerts and do fun things and not be stressed so much ??#i am going to smoke this roobie doobie doo and fucking turn my brain off cause i can’t y’all it’s just mr. toads wild ride rn in my life#anyways tgif or whatever :-))))#becca speaks
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just took so much psychic damage listening to the live performance of fast car
#it was incredible dont get me wrong#but i had completely forgotten how much i listened to that song from june-november of this last year#i think it was second on my most listened playlist#and i'm now faced with the unfortunate truth that it now brings back a lot of really tough things#the first note hit and i was like. fuck. i was listening to this song when so so many pieces of my life imploded#almost started weeping#had the same experience a couple days ago when fucking. people like us started playing at a family dinner#i was INSTANTLY shot back to looping that song just trying to force myself through the day a couple months ago#fast car is a different experience tho bc i just happened to be listening to it when some real bullshit went down in my life#so now i'm like fuck dude i love this song and i /wasnt/ using it as an emotional crutch but now it reminds me of [redacted]#ALSO#fuck my ENTIRE life but carry on my wayward son is now one of these things for me too#list of things i have in common with the winchesters: carry on wayward son was playing as my brother died#(i know that it wasnt diegetic in spn but fuck man)#vent#lea speaks
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also i got lots and lots of compliments on my outfit today and they were able to fix my necklace! i only wanted the big knot out but they fixed the other ones for me too and even cleaned it and for some reason they didn’t even charge me !! and i got my book ! yayyy
#successful day 😎👍🏻#also the part for my car arrived..now i just have 2 wait on my f*ther to replace it for me..#anyways#i didn’t even wanna get up out of bed today but i had to cause i had therapy and u know what#i ended up having a pretty good day -w-#i didn’t get to talk 2 the cute barista at starbucks but..whatever#but! i did end up dressing up a little and i felt so cute today and got lots of compliments which was nice#and i got all my shopping done and had fun..#im still surprised they fixed and cleaned my necklace and didn’t charge me..#i asked abt it and the guy said not to worry abt it and to just come back again sometime *wink*#and i said okay :D and left and then tripped on the curb outside when i was leaving#i’m not exactly in the market for fine jewelry and hopefully my necklace won’t implode on itself again at least for a while so..i probably#will not be going back anytime soon#i did kinda wanna ask if i could have like my ring size measured but i was too shy to ask#the guy behind the counter was kinda cute and very nice and i didn’t wanna bug him so i just sat and waited for my necklace ;-;#i don’t even wear rings im just curious#uhmm. what else. i got some ingredients to make cookies tonight :3#it was nice to have a good day for once -w- i just hope this isn’t a bad omen that things are about to get super fucked#im not trying to be negative!! but it is a genuine pattern in my life that whenever i have a good day or things go well for a bit#that means something disastrous is looming around the corner#i guess we’ll see :’)#snow.txt
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