#Notes to myself

[fyeevergreen]

gUYS I MINI SHIFTED !! 😭😭😭😭😭 I FEEL SO LIGHT ITS REAL

[themissingmango]

[peterlorres21stcentury]

I spent much of today editing my Renate stories for publication. Then I thought I might delay it because I always wanted to write a third story, I just don't have nearly enough material for it. All I have is a vague idea that Renate visits Peter in Hollywood in the late 50s or early 60s, near the end of his life and career. She witnesses L.A. crumbling in more ways than one. Peter greets her as a friend as always, but he is far more cynical now, having mostly given up on artistic integrity in favor of earning money for his beloved daughter Cathy. Most of his old friends have died. He too, senses the end is near (imagine these words mumbled around a cigarette as he slumps in a chair):

"I would leave a suicide note, until I remember half the chucklefucks in this business can't read. They don't care about me when I'm alive. Why should they care when I'm dead? Matter of fact, I might be of more use to them that way. Just prop me up and abuse my dead corpse so's the movie audience can scream. Yes, scream, one last time, while the studio laughs all the way to the bank."

Renate stays with him and becomes a sort of secret companion whenever Peter's wife Annemarie isn't around, and she acts as an honorary auntie to young Cathy, perhaps. She also grows friendly with Peter's first wife Celia, with whom she once crossed paths long ago in another continent, almost in another world.

Years later, after Peter's sudden death, Celia shows her a lifetime collection of old film and stage memorabilia, her whole apartment now turned into a kind of library for one man, a shrine to her ex-husband. "The ones he touches... we do not forget him, ever. No one can," Celia explains. Renate decides to give her the last copy of the film that Peter entrusted to her back in 1951. She drifts around Hollywood for a while, visiting Peter's grave each day before she finally moves on, and promises to write to Cathy as often as she can.

Like I said, it's all a bit vague. But I'd love to round out the series one day with just one more concluding story.

[hithelleth]

Brilliant Minds S1

I finished Brilliant Minds and I need MORE!

(The fool is me, what was I doing watching yet again an NBC show that hasn't yet been renewed? UUUUUUUUUUUhhhhhhhhh.)

If it is renewed, it could be my new med show, because I don't watch any other (Grey's doesn't appeal to me anymore, never started Chicago Med, and the med-adjacent either ended (Station 19) or annoy me (911, Lone Star - IDEK what's up with that) or I rage quit (CHF, I'm looking at you.)

Anyway, even if it's not, I'm not sorry for watching it despite the cliffhanger ending of the season.

Speaking of, the Dad is a selfish a-hole. Yeah, yeah, mental illness and all, I can understand that. But he came back only when he got sick and thinks his son can cure him. He doesn't deserve it. And he upended Oliver's whole life.

But of course, if the show gets s2, I bet Oliver will try help AND maybe even succeed, because that's how he is - out of medical curiosity if not out of empathy (but it will be both, I think, despite struggling with the latter.)

I almost owe an apology to Muriel. Yeah, she's handled a lot of things wrong and could have done better, but she's also been through a lot and did perhaps the best she could at the time.

I like the interns. I see they put a nice little beginning for a possible complicated Erica's story. But basically they can tell a lot more about all four.

As much as I do like Carol, she's rightfully found herself in a pinch, because it needs to be addressed, but I also don't want her off the show permanently (if the show lasts, of course.) Maybe a temporary suspension of her licence for consequences but also leniency because she did fix her mistake in the end and actually helped Alison in the end.

Don't ask me about ships. You know me by now. You know what sort of glorious/devastating feels I'm having. And if you don't, there will be queue. :P

[foreverinmyhead]

Relationships - Notes to myself

I see a lot of people struggling with their relationships whether they’re belong to that relationship or not. Some of people are missing the points of what relationship really is or how we become a victim by our behaviors like everyone else in life.

Each of us carries certain ideals within us about the kind of person we want to be or the kind of person we want the other person to be to “us”. These ideals go back to our earliest ages. We all feel that there is something missing in our charachter, something we want but cannot acquire on our own. We usually fall in love with a person who seems to fill this void. This process is not conscious and depends somewhat on luck. We wait for the right person to come our way, and when we fall in love with them, we hope that they will respond to our love or to our ideals. We’re giving them every inner parts of us we have to acquire those ideals and eventually we become a victim by our unconsciousness. So, “soulmate” are nothing but illusion for human relationships but we’re tend to believe it just to feel better or different or special.

Often our personality is shaped by “the way we are treated”. If our parents, spouse is defensive or argumentative, we tend to respond in kind to reduce the amount of stress we have because our cognitive load about to explode. Do not take people's expressed character traits as real. Maybe the characteristics they display reflect the behavior of the people they constantly come into contact with, or a sign of a trauma or maybe they hide the opposite. A harsh appearance perhaps hides someone seeking warmth, An oppressive, serious appearance may be trying to hide emotions that they cannot control. “The key is to nurture the aspects that are not presented to them or are suppressed.”

Humans do not have free will because all of our thoughts, decisions, and behaviors are entirely determined by biological and environmental factors. We do not have a free will but we have a power to fight against it. We have to learn how to act against unwanted behaviors which is the hardest thing to learn but that is the only way to be successful in our relationships and live a happy life.

[kelthoumrambles]

Demain est un nouveau jour... sauf qu'à chaque fois que je sors de chez moi, je me mets à l envers. J applique aucune RDR dans mes conso, c'est n'importe quoi. Enfin, parfois j'essaye... il arrive qu'une petite voix dans ma tête me dise "ne mélange pas ça et ça" "arrête" "attention à la ligne de trop" etc mais jsais pas c'est quoi mon putain de problème. Je me sens moins suicidaire mais il y a une envie de défonce tellement forte?? Je cherche quoi? Je ne supporte pas mon quotidien et pour le moment, je n'arrive pas à me sortir les doigts du cul pour changer ma réalité. J'y arrive pas mais je sais que je vais y arriver car jveux pas finir comme les gens avec qui je conso. Noooon. Des grandes choses me sont destinées! Ouiiii. J'en suis capable, j'ai tjs ma tête, ma jeunesse, mon charme, mon charisme! Allé, hop, bordel..... il n'y a pas de secrets, il suffit de se lancer et de ne pas se retourner... Tout est dans ma tête au fond...

J'ai envie de vomir. J'ai perdu 2 kilos mais c'est surement parce que j'ai mangé que 2 repas sur ma semaine. Jsuis triste de pas recevoir de nouvelles de mes amies. Jai l'impression que je fais tjs le premier pas? Le poète m'a dit que je suis une intellectuelle qui ne sait pas ce qu'elle veut. Ouch. Cela dit, je sens qu'il est en train de tomber amoureux. C'est normal. Moi aussi je tomberais pour moi si j'avais un discours intérieur plus gentil envers moi même. J'ai envie de me trouver un nouveau taff sympa dans lequel je travaille en solo et pour lequel j'ai besoin d'interagir avec personne. Genre travailler dans la cuisine d'un café ou un travail de bureau ou un truc comme ça. Bien économiser. Terminer quelques bails. Changer de ville. Aller voir mes amies à New York, Zurich, Berlin, les rejoindre dans la high life. Mais au fond, partout où je vais, je me prends avec... c'est ça le problème.

Il y a 10 ans, j étais un peu près dans la même situation qu'aujourd'hui. Polyconsommatrice et toxicomane. J'ai changé de ville, de fréquentations, de numéro de téléphone et bamm plus de 4 ans de sobriété (je fumais juste du cannabis et alcool mais conso raisonnable) mais au bout de 4 ans grosse rechute de merde après être sortie avec un fdp de merde qui me tapait sur la gueule et me maltraitait et tout ça. C'est de là que vient ma rechute !! Et ça fait 3 ans que j'ai rechuté et j'arrive pas à me relever et ça me CASSE LES COUILLES EN FAIT . Et oui c'est de sa faute à ce connard mais aujourd'hui je vais mieux je vais mieux mais jfais que de la merde. Ptet que c'est moi le problème après tout pfff jsais pas tout me fait chier... J'ai juste envie qu'on prenne soin de moi là ... qu'on me cajole, qu'on me dise que ça va aller.. omg. Comme quand j'étais petite en fait? Sauf que je suis plus petite. Et qu'il n'y a personne. C'est juste moi et mes démons

[fyeevergreen]

I DONT CARE I AM SHIFTING

I AM SHIFTING

WE ARE SHIFTING

YOU ARE SHIFTING

THEY ARE SHIFTING

EVERYONE IS SHIFTING.

NOTHING CAN STOP YOU. NOT EVEN YOURSELF.

SET THE INTENTION. BUILD YOUR MEMORY.

REPEAT TO YOURSELF

EVERYDAY

TILL YOU GO HOME

BECAUSE YOU WILL.

[uncorazoneninvierno]

 Llevo toda la semana pensando que quiero escribir para alguien pero pienso que todo lo que tengo que contar mejor me lo cuento a mí misma. Esta carta que no envío, o que, mejor dicho, me escribo a mí misma. Todos mis diarios son fragmentos de una misma –una sola– carta. Ahora sí, anoto esto porque si no se me olvidará: mis diarios son una sola carta. 

[luckydeuce]

chapter 4 will fucking end me

[peterlorres21stcentury]

but why does 1980s new-wave match 1940s films so well

This would not be the first time I've visualized little mental music videos for '80s songs + film noir. What can I say, I'm a child of the late '80s and I love the music, but for the life of me, I can't figure out why it works. I guess several songs of that era touch on themes of obsession and toxic attraction... familiar themes indeed for several of Peter's movies, anyway.

I might play around with this idea when I get back home to my video editing software, but today's mental silliness was inspired by The Human League as "Don't You Want Me" came up in my playlist:

I can easily imagine some clips played over the lyric:

The five years we have had have been such good times / I still love you / But now I think it's time I live my life on my own / I guess it's just what I must do

Then Peter fades in from the background with his signature, sinister stare:

Don't. Don't you want me? / You know I can't believe it when I hear that you won't see me / Don't. Don't you want me? / You know I don't believe you when you say that you don't need me

[yellowdaffodils-76]

It’s fog-anthropomorphized-as-a-cat season everybody! Don’t forget to read The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock 97 times this month.

[kelthoumrambles]

Mardi: arrivée en ville vers 20h. 2-3 verres de vin blanc dans mon bar préféré. Mon kiné travaille au bar tonight, cool. Ensuite, visite privée du nouveau hôtel de ma ville aka "the place to be". Mon ex m'envoie un message et, comme une teubé, je lui réponds presque dans la minute. Faible. Il me laisse un gros blanc. Ensuite: changement de bar. Pouaaaaah c'est là que ça a commencé à partir crescendo en couille. Md/speed/alcohol/joint/coke. Puis -> direction after sauf que mon dealos a fait une putain de crise de jalousie donc évidemment je suis restée avec ses clients, chez eux, sans lui. Il se prend pour qui ? Jai kiffé mon after, cela dit. Même si c'était spéc par moment, mdr, de ces bails... Ça a failli partir en partouze mais bien que j'étais defonceyy, j'ai pas donné mon feu vert alors rien ne s'est passé. Je me suis quand même faite de nouveaux potes. Ils étaient tellllllement cool. J'adore lorsqu'on me dit "tout ce que tu veux, bébé". De plus, j'ai sûrement un nouvel amant. On se voit jeudi soir. Ohhh oui, je me réjouiiis. Je sens que ça va être bestial. Mercredi matin donc: 10h prendre le bus. Le trajet était long et inconfortable. Je grince mes dents de la même manière qu'on cire des chaussures. Une dernière bière 9% pour bien m'assommer, un petit benzo, et puis dodo ?

[zippyzstuff]

[fyeevergreen]

tomorrow i won't wake up here, i will shift tonight.

tell yourself that, when you go to the bathroom, when you sit down to have lunch, when you think about shifting, repeat that to yourself, all through your day. build your memory, your conscious will know when to do the rest.

[uncorazoneninvierno]

Nota I. Estudiando filosofía. Dice Heidegger que acceder al ser solo es posible a través de la poesía.

[peterlorres21stcentury]

darn

I had a really good addition to a scene that I dreamed up this morning for the book I just published. It was for the scene where Tanya is trying to get some sleep some weeks after giving birth, while also distracted by her husband's loving attention (he's not pressuring her for sex, he just can't stop cuddling, like ever, lol). Then her milk accidentally leaks a little and she has a brief fantasy about producing so much that she is able to overfeed her newborn twins, her husband, and eventually the whole world, like some manner of fertility goddess figure.

It's a confusing and shameful thought for her in the moment, but I'd love her to explore this fantasy more. In my dream, she finally confessed it to Leo and he was like "ooh, interesting" 😏 He also made some smart remark that he wasn't in the habit of drinking milk, but for her he would make an exception. 😅

Too late to bother adding it now, but it's something to consider for an eventual sequel, perhaps. I always wanted to write another story for them near the close of the war. Tanya would have a third baby by then, and perhaps she has had time to consider more mother-goddess fantasies.