#Yza writes a thing

[yzafre]

Knowing the Shredder will attack soon, Karai rushes to teach the turtles about their Ninpo – to little effect.

Seeing their frustration, April tries to help them out.

Or: an attempt at a theoretical episode extending the beginning of “Shreddy or Not”

[yzas-oc-blog]

This has... nothing to do with any of my other projects. But it's been sitting in my files for over a year now, so I figured it couldn't hurt to share.

For all that it worked out in hindsight it was, objectively, one of the stupidest things she’d ever done.

In her defense, she was in the middle of a catastrophic spiral into a hot mess of a mental health crisis, a truly spectacular downslide into numb self-destruction, and she probably should have gone to see some sort of grief counselor months ago.  However, that would require some very, very delicate balancing of her down-to-the-penny budget, which she hadn’t exactly had the brainpower to manage, due to the aforementioned spiral.

That is to say, she couldn’t really be blamed, even if the decisions she made were the dumbest, most insane things she could have done.  Objectively.

Here’s how it went:

She woke up far, far too early in the morning, on account of having fallen into bed long before dinner the day before, and despite her best efforts was unable to get back to sleep.  When she finally gave in and stumbled out of bed she somehow, despite it being too early, still had 18 missed calls and seven unread voicemails waiting for her on the answering machine.

She ignored the phone and its little flashing light, crawling her way to the fridge on the other side of her shoe-box apartment.

Time stretched thin as she stared blankly at its contents.  Her stomach screamed at her; it was easy to drown out, though, as she’d been doing it for weeks.  More importantly, her brain screamed louder, a senseless drone that drowned out all other thoughts, getting louder at the thought of plates, and finding jars, and utensils that she’d then have to clean -

At that point, her brain cut out like a short-circuiting light, and she slammed the door shut.

When she turned around, she was confronted with a stack of papers whose contents she knew intimately and probably should have dealt with weeks ago (months ago) that she summarily ignored.  There was a stack of boxes against the wall, a pile of photos scattered across the floor, her phone started ringing again, and she knew she had to get out of there before she cracked.

She didn’t really remember leaving the apartment but came back to herself at the bottom of the stairs when she started shivering.  The sun was coming up, but it was still far too chilly for how hot she knew it would get at the height of the day.  Worse, it was damp, leaving a film of moisture clinging to her, pressing the chill into her bones.  She should turn around and grab a jacket.

She didn’t.

Instead, she walked, aimless, eyes a bit glazed over in a way that was edging on dangerous, but she didn’t really have the mind to spare for that kind of concern.  She just walked, the steady thump-thump-thump of her feet carrying her through, giving her something to sink into and avoid the screaming in her head.  Face blank, one hand in her pocket, the other thumbing over the rings on a chain around her neck in tune with the pounding of her feet, she walked, and she walked, and she walked.

And then the chain snapped.

It came with a sickening lurch in her stomach, like the worst kind of roller-coaster, the rings fumbling from her fingers.  She managed to catch one of them, but the other slipped away from her and went skittering across the ground.  She saw it coming before it happened, but despite her heart beating in her throat there was nothing she could do to stop it.

The ring went down the drain.

This was where, objectively, she went from normal levels of self-destructive to out-and-out stupidity.  Because the smart thing to do would have been to leave it, to accept the loss and move on.  If she wanted to push it, she could go home and dig through her boxes until she found the phone book, or maybe go to the library, and see if she could figure out the department that covered the city’s sewers and see if they had any systems for this kind of situation.  The last thing she should have done was try and handle it herself, but.

But.

She was on the ground staring at where her Mom’s wedding ring disappeared, and there was a buzzing in the base of her throat and a burning behind her eyes and pressure building in her chest.  It was stupid, but she could swear she heard the ice cracking, the frozen mass that had settled where her heart should be, that kept her cool and stable – or stable enough that she could still go to class, and pass her classes, and keep her scholarship, even if she wasn’t managing much more than that.  It was so stupid, but it was the 6-month anniversary and if she lost anything else of them she thought she’d actually break, just start screaming and hitting and falling apart till there was nothing left of her and she couldn’t.

She couldn’t.

It was stupid, but there was a man-hole cover right there, and no one on the street, and she moved before she could think.

Manhole covers were apparently heavy.  It took her forever, maybe, or possibly just minutes, but time hadn’t really worked right for her since she got the call, and she managed to shimmy it up and off eventually.

There was a ladder inside, thankfully.  In hindsight she knew that wasn’t always true, but at the time she didn’t question it, just robotically made her way down, hand after foot after hand.  When she landed, she couldn’t see the ring and thought she might puke.  Instead of doing the smart thing and giving up, she did the – objectively – dumber option and walked down the tunnel to keep looking.

In her defense, she did find the ring.  It was covered in grime and she didn’t want to think about what else, but it was there.

She hit her knees, cradling it close.  The release of tension was dizzying.  The weight in her throat suddenly released.  She went after the ring because she couldn’t bear the thought of the ice cracking, but it broke anyways, shattered, and before she knew it she was sobbing, curled up against the sewer wall, hungry and miserable and broken.

She was also dehydrated, which meant there was only so long she could cry.  Eventually the heaving sobs faded to sniffles, to unsteady breaths, as she passed her hands over and over her face, the pressure grounding.

The problem, really, was that when she stopped crying, the sounds of crying didn’t.  Didn’t stop, that was, and it took a moment before her snot-and-depression fogged brain could really comprehend that yeah, there was something crying down there wasn’t her, and that was kind of scary, and it should definitely be sending fear signals to the rest of the body.

The crying also kind of sounded like a baby, which complicated the signals.

And look, okay, it worked out for the best in the end, even if, in the moment, going towards the crying-baby-sounds in the sewer was probably the dumbest, most first-to-die-in-a-horror-movie thing she could have done.

But that’s exactly what she did.  She shoved the rings as far down into her pocket as she could, and she went looking.  At least she didn’t actually call out, or anything like that, instead creeping forward as quietly as possible – which was really not quiet at all, as she’d eventually be told, yes-shut-up-she knows, we can’t all be raised as ninja.

She wasn’t ashamed to admit she yelped when she saw it, reeling away and nearly falling because she saw movement, and a run-in with anything that lived down here couldn’t end well.  Her flailing made whatever was down there with her stop crying.  Then her eyes adjusted, and she actually saw it and screamed again, and this time she was a little bit ashamed, especially as she ended up falling flat on her back, head slamming into the pipes.  It sent her ears ringing and vision spinning, and then whatever it was (it was not human, and not an animal, not one she’d ever known) started crying again, louder.

There’s nothing like good, mortal fear to clear out the apathy fogging up your system, because her brain started racing alongside her heartbeat, hind-brain sitting up and jabbering as she struggled to control her breath, flattening herself against the wall as she stared, wide-eyed, trying to figure out what to do.  She wanted to run, but.  No sharp movements, right?  She felt like that was a thing.  She didn’t know, she was never in the girl scouts.

The creature was terrifying.  Objectively speaking.  It didn’t fit in any category her brain had, kinda looked a bit deformed, especially with its face scrunched up as it cried, eyes too small for its face and body twitching along the ground, hands grasping towards her.  But also, subjectively, it was, well -

It had too-small eyes, shiny and watery with tears, and it was shuffling forward pathetically as it reached out towards her with little grabby hands, and -

Once, when she was in middle school, her parents took her on this road-trip vacation.  It was supposed to be... educational, or something.  They stopped at all those museums that taught about local history, and she could get something at each of the gift shops, if it was under ten dollars.�� And there was one place with all these little creature figurines, and they were – objectively – creepy, but they had these stupid little googly eyes painted onto the little lop-sided bobble-heads that jostled wildly at the slightest movement.  She loved them dearly, and knew she had to take one home.

Her Mom muttered about how creepy it was every time she saw it, but it always came paired with a fond smile aimed in her direction.  She still had it, somewhere, probably shoved to the bottom of a box in her closet.

The memory hurt.

The creature gave another little hiccup, a sniffle, then a too-human whine, pushing up on its little hands, shuffling forward in a toddler’s crawl for a couple inches before it collapsed, face smashing into the concrete.  There was a moment of silence before it wailed, and suddenly all her hind-brain knew was oh god there’s a hurt baby help it help it.

The next thing she knew she had the kid in her hands, their face awkwardly smooshed against her stomach because she started picking them up before she realized she didn’t know how, so now the two of them were just kind of.  Stuck there.  Halfway between a hug and a hold.

She never thought she had any kind of maternal instincts, but apparently she did get the frantic “child in danger” ones, because there was so much adrenaline running through her.  She felt like she could fist-fight god.

The baby – because all it took was one pain-filled scream for her to go from creature of the deep to baby – held onto her tightly with its little grabby hands, and it was still crying but it was at least quieter, and as she hesitantly patted its back it reduced further to whimpering and sniffles.  A little voice at the back of her brain was still panicking over fey-changelings or alien nest-parasites, and she didn’t know what this was or where it came from, and she should absolutely put it down.

She didn’t.

Instead, she – awkwardly, jerkily, wrapped her arms around it, lifting it up towards her chest where it wrapped its arms around her neck like that was its due. 

The texture of its skin was… weird.  And the lump on its back was definitely a shell of some kind, like a turtle.  Everywhere it touched her sent wild shocks up to her brain – not bad, per se, but she wasn’t sure it was good, either.  It was just.  Unfamiliar.

The fear was draining from her system, though, leaving her rattled and shaking from the absolute roller-coaster her brain had been on over the last thirty minutes.  She stood in the middle of the sewers, the only light coming from the still-open manhole around the corner, with some kind of turtle-baby-creature in her arms, the only sound her breathing, and its sniffling, and that weird scraping sound nearby.

Like her brain was on a delay, the fear was suddenly back, her ears straining for sounds in the distance.  She could hear voices echoing down the tunnels, fragmented words – find it, and chance, and capture.

She held the baby to her chest, hushing it quietly – and, in hindsight, she didn’t think most babies would know enough to go quiet like that, but in the moment she just counted her blessings – and peered around the corner. 

There was something moving through the shadows.  She wasn’t sure why their movements read as hostile but then she saw the flash of sharp metal and no, yeah, nope, it was time to get out of there.

There was a baby in her apartment. 

She.  Had a baby in her apartment. 

Her: twenty-two and single, in her last semester of college, living in a tiny studio apartment she could only afford using the money from selling her childhood home.  Or, what remained after settling the mortgage, and the funeral, and –

Her: who’d never wanted kids, who was an only child, who’d never even babysat because, again, she’d never been interested in kids. 

She had no idea what to do.  What were you supposed to do with a baby?  She didn’t know how to take care of a baby!

Mom would know, she thought, reaching for her phone, then had to sit and breathe through the lance of pain that speared her from head to toe.

This was, objectively, kind of a stupid decision.

In her defense, whatever was down there was obviously hunting for the baby, and even if she’d never been interested in kids, she wasn’t going to abandon one to be hurt.  She wasn’t a monster.

It’s just, she wasn’t really sure what to do now.

Mom always wanted grand-kids, she thought hysterically, nonsensically.  She always knew she’d never have them.  It was this underlying tension between her and her mother, and they never really got the chance to reconcile it before – before.

The baby was chewing on an old plush toy she’d offered it in lieu of its own hand.  Teething, maybe?  Babies teethe, she thought, like puppies do.  She had no ideas about turtles, or weird not-turtles, but it wasn’t hurting anything, so.

The point is, she had no idea what she was doing, and no resources to help.

That’s a lie, a whisper at the back of her mind pointed out, even as she tried to ignore it, like she ignored the missed calls on her phone.  You could call Grandma, she's raised kids.  Obviously.  She’d have advice.

She didn’t... want to.  Though.

It was just that ever since Mom died, Grandma been so, so over-protective, the way she talked to her slipping back like she was ten years younger, like all the ways Grandma couldn’t stop Mom’s death, couldn’t protect her, she was now putting onto her granddaughter.  And she knew Grandma just cared about her, that in the same moment she lost her Mom, Grandma lost her daughter.  But she couldn’t take Grandma’s constant directions, and critiques about every decision, and demands to come home and let her deal with everything, and paranoia on top of everything else.

And anyways, what was she supposed to tell her?  I grabbed a mutant baby out of the sewer, please help?  Yeah, no, Grandma would start up the campaign for her to change schools and come live with her in earnest again, or else try to talk her into a psyche ward and no, thank you, she was good.

Also, there was the fact that, maybe, the last time she saw Grandma in person they got in a big fight that was possibly, definitely, her own fault for overreacting, and even after apologizing everything still felt weird.

It was fine, she was fine, she had this.

She lasted about three hours, till the baby started crying again and she had the neighbor banging on their shared wall in anger.  Unlike last time, picking it up and carrying it didn’t help, and maybe it was hungry but trying to think of what to feed a mutant turtle-baby hybrid made her own brain start crying, and the only other reason she could think of for its crying was, you know, bathroom issues, and that was a whole other problem she wasn’t prepared to address.

The point was, she sucked it up and called Grandma.

“Hi, Honey, how are you - “ Grandma cut off quickly, and she winced, knowing the kid’s crying was very, very clear, “Is that a baby?”

“I’m. Babysitting,” she got out.  It wasn’t the worst lie she’d ever told.

“Babysitting?” Grandma echoed, entirely disbelieving and it kinda stung even though, yeah, that was completely fair.  Everyone in her family knew about her disinterest in kids.

“Yeah,” she said, “My neighbor had a sudden interview come up and asked me to watch her kid.  Since it’s, you know.  An emergency.”

Her neighbor had, actually, said she had an interview the last time she talked with her.  Only, the last time she talked to her was four months ago, and also said neighbor was forty-five with all her kids out of the nest.  Grandma didn’t have to know that, though.

“And you just said yes?  Honey, you don’t know the first thing about taking care of a baby.  I’ve seen that apartment of yours, it’s nothing near baby-proof – and she didn’t give you any time to get ready.  And today of all days, on top of that?  Really?”

A simmering tension built in her through Grandma's entire tirade, like a rubber-band stretching between her stomach and her throat, and when it finally snapped it came with a wave of heat that burned her.

“Oh my god, I didn't call to hear about all the ways you think I'm disaster! Can you stop nit-picking long enough to tell me what to do, or are you going to be useless?!”

Grandma went silent on the other side of the line, and ice-cold guilt quickly sunk into her stomach, dousing the fire.

She had a good family, the best family.  Twenty-two years and she’d never heard any of them yell at each other; she hated that she was the one changing that.

“Look, I just - ” she cut off, bit her lip, tried again, “I - I need help.  The baby won’t stop crying, and I don’t know what to do.”

“Oh, honey,” Grandma said, instantly forgiving, and it hurt so much she kind of hated her for it, “Alright, have you tried feeding him?”

“Uhm.”

“Honey.”

“I don’t have – any baby food?”

“The mother didn’t give you any?  Did she not leave any supplies when she left the baby?  That’s very irresponsible.  Honey, are you sure their home is safe, should you call - “

“She was just!  Panicked, I think,” she cut in, trying to throw Grandma off that train of thought, “She really, really needs this job, and – and they changed the interview time at the last minute.  She... she left me her key, so I could get in her place, but.  Uhm.  She left the wrong key.”

“Hmph,” Grandma sniffed disdainfully, but didn’t question her again, and honestly, she was pretty proud of that lie, “Alright, I suppose we’ll have to make do.  It’s what I had to do half the time when I was raising my babies, you know.  Now, you could boil down and blend some canned vegetables into mush, in a pinch.  You’ve got some cans in your pantry, right?”

“Uhm.”

“Honey, do you have anything in your kitchen?  You’ve gotta take care of yourself.  It’s important to keep your pantry stocked.  Do you need me to send you money?”

“I’m fine!  My apartment’s just really small!” she snapped defensively, voice going sharp, “There’s not much room to store anything.”

Grandma hummed skeptically, and she hunched into herself under the tone even states away, “If you say so, Honey.  But it sounds like you definitely don’t have anything for a baby.  Honestly, it sounds like you were really unprepared for this whole thing.  It’s sweet that you want to help, but you’re barely keeping it together yourself these days, maybe you shouldn’t have -”

“I’m trying,” she cut in, humiliated at the way her voice cracked.  Grandma went silent, and she breathed deeply, blinking away the sting in her eyes as she tried to find a way to make her understand without telling the truth, “I know.  I know I don’t know what I’m doing.  But they.  They really need help, and Grandma, there’s no one else, I. I couldn’t just.  I’m trying, so please, don’t.”

And now she was crying, again, and she was going to get a headache this way, but she couldn’t stop.  Grandma began hushing her on the other end of the line, voice soft once more.

“Oh, love.  Oh, Honey, I’ve got you.  Oh, you’re such a good kid.  Listen, I’m going to wire you some money – no.  No, listen to me,” she said when she started to protest, “You’ve told me you’ve got things all under control for yourself, and I’ll trust you on that, but babies are expensive.  If you’re going to be helping out this poor family, you’ll need a bit extra.  So, I’ll wire you some money, and you’ll take it, and you’ll go out and get some baby food, and some diapers and – oh, get a pad of paper, let’s make a list.”

“Okay,” she warbled.

Grandma rambled through a list of items, and sometimes she had to bring her back on track when she went off on tangents about which variations were better, but it was useful.  Eventually they had everything down, and Grandma sounded very satisfied with herself.

“And whatever extra you have left, you’ll send home with Mama when she comes to pick up the baby, yes?  It sounds like they’re really in a hard way, and it’s so good of you to take care of them.  You’ve got such a good heart, Honeybee, but you don’t have to do this alone.  Let me help you help them, okay?”

“Okay,” she said again, and it was like a weight off her shoulder, warmth creeping in where ice had been for so long.

She could hear Grandma on the other end of the line, could picture her grabbing her hat, her purse, little echoes of childhood that carried through to this day, “I’m going to go out and start that transfer, okay?  It should be over soon.”

“Okay,” she whispered, one last time, then, “I love you.”

“Oh, darling.  I love you too, now and forever.  Don’t worry too much, we’ll get you through this.  It’s only a day, after all, and then you can go back to your life.  Be on the lookout for that wire transfer.  Bye-bye, now.”

Grandma hung up, then, and her stomach dropped to her feet.

Only a day.  Right.  She was… supposed to go back to class, tomorrow.  The baby was still going to exist, tomorrow.

She really, really didn’t think this through.

[yzashaven]

yza ! any pronouns ` teen ` pansexual ` high schooler ` scorpio ` anemo enthusiast ✧ an absolute addict for all things sugary, plushies, essay / story writing, music, theater, and photography

꒰ LINKS ꒱

001. MASTERLIST

002. RULES

003. TAGS

004. DISCORD SERVER

꒰ RECENT WORKS ꒱

happy birthday, scara!

cockwarm streamer kinich

get fingered by kinich

DNI ✰ literally no one cuz i know damn well that a few text on a screen won't stop you horny fucks 😭 /lh

REQUESTS ✰ OPEN !

ANONS ✰ 🧼︰💫︰🦢︰"wtf" anon︰"uwu" anon

STARTED ✰ 07 / 31 / 23

STATUS ✰ taking a break–will be back soon ♡

@yzashaven︰do not repost, translate, modify, or copy any of my work

[idontgiveaflyinggrayson69]

Life As We Know It | Part 15

Author: Nat / @idontgiveaflyinggrayson69​

Tagging: @thirteenisles​ @matbaerzal​ @mcmo-anon​ @texanstarslove​ @matbarzyy​ @hockeywocs​ @ggggmoneyyyy​ @great-puck-work @tysonjost-taylorsversion​ @toplinetommy​ @fiveholegoal​ @itrocksmysocks​ @joelsfarabee​ @barzysreputation​ @iangiemae​ @stlbluesbrat​ @c-tangerine​ @yzas-stuff @canadianheaters​ @jeylia-haj​ @roopehintz​ @dreamsndior​ @beauvibaby​ @2manytabsopen​ @nazdaddy​ @sorryjustafangirl​ @sidscrosbyy @fallinallincurls​ @pastelpapermoons​ @miranda0102​ @hockeybabe87​ @teenagekook @svechnikolan @kayt-marie​ @heatherawoowoo​ @islesnucks​ @whoeverineedtobe​ @lovethepreds @ohpuckyeah​ @tpwkstiles​ @mf-mightyducks​ @day-dreamerr​ @ficsilove10​ @notaccurateornice​ @rapidfever​ @hoodpankow​ @strong134 @oopsiedoopsie23​ @dylancozzys @gravyoverall @newlibrary​ @lena306 @caelum-the-part-time-acosmist @honestreputation​ @taiter-tots @canesjedi31 @kq9003 @the-philthepill13 [let me know if you want to be tagged!]

Word Count: 11.7k (long one I know)

Warnings: Alcohol. Smut. Unprotected sex (wrap it up kids) 👀🙈

Disclaimer: (EDITED) Fuck I forgot the mention to pretend that the Boston game was in the beginning of December! Sorry!!

Comments: I know I know it’s been a hot minute since I’ve posted an update but I really like how this part turned out and I hope you do too!!! Also! The series over 100k now which is CRAZY! I never thought I’d ever write a story this long and honestly there’s no ending in sight for these two!! xx

(c) nat g. 2021 // do not repost, do not claim as your own

There was one word to describe how Anthony felt when he saw that puck go into the back of the net: relief.

It had been a long 14 games without a point, 15 without a goal. His every thought had been consumed by Tess and Sorel and he knew he needed to be a better player, the Isles needed a better player, and they were paying him to be a better player. He knew he hadn’t been playing to his abilities, it was just damn near impossible to focus on hockey when it felt like his personal life was on the rocks.

Like everyone else in the league, hockey was his outlet. Regardless of what was going on in his life, he was supposed to be able to turn to hockey. Too caught up in every what if and the paralyzing fear of losing Tess, he forgot that.

Rather than focus on the puck and the next play, at home he couldn’t stop thinking about Tess in the suite with the other WAGs, and on the road he thought about how much he missed her.

He had to shake out of it and he knew that. It had been weeks and she hadn’t figured it out, but she was suspicious and worried about him, so if not for the team or the fans, he needed to get his shit together and start playing like the player she knew him to be so she didn’t put it together.

The game against Detroit was by far his best since he realized he loved Tess, but he still came back to the Island pointless. So, when he saw that puck go past Ullmark, the only thing he felt was relief. The weight of his realization still rested on his shoulders, but, for that moment, he could exhale. His feelings for Tess didn’t change him. He could still play hockey.

To no surprise, he was picked for media, but it went by quickly and before he knew it, he was headed out to meet Tess.

Like usual, Sorel was asleep in her carrier when Anthony came out, and with the girls still around, Tess didn’t think twice about setting Sorel down before rushing towards Anthony.

She threw herself at him, wrapping her arms around him and Anthony took a step back to steady himself as he caught her. He was surprised at her outburst, but he pressed his face into her hair as he held her, his whole chest warm with the love he had for her.

He didn’t want to let go of her, but he settled her down on her feet, soaking her in for another moment before pulling back.

“Sorry,” Tess blushed, looking down as she pushed her hair behind her ear.

“Don’t be,” Anthony whispered, a soft smile playing on his lips. He wished he could be greeted like that after every game, the only thing that would make it better would be if he could just—

“I’m so proud of you,” Tess whispered, looking up at him with a small smile. “It was a nice goal. I knew you could do it.”

Anthony’s smile softened. “Thank you,” he whispered. “Scored it for you and Ellie.”

His words and the look in his eyes knocked the breath out of her and she gently patted his shoulder, unsure of how to reply. Every time he did something like that, he pulled at the feelings she was so desperately trying to keep buried.

Behind them, Mat and Connor rolled their eyes. Anthony had to be the blindest man on the Island if he didn’t see it.

Tess squeezed his shoulders again before clearing her throat and pulling back. The warmth in his chest went with her as she pulled back to get Sorel and he had to restrain the urge to reach out and pull her back to him.

“Let’s go home, yeah?” Tess said softly after picking Sorel’s carrier up. Anthony’s heart fluttered in his chest as he nodded before walking over and taking Sorel from her.

“Let’s go home,” he echoed with a smile, but he knew that home was anywhere she was.

--

“So,” Anthony said as Tess sat down next to him, the Wiggles on in the background as he bounced Sorel on his thigh.

“What?” Tess asked with a sigh. Nothing he ever started like that ended well.

“Hey,” he said, his voice half a whine, offended that she’d think it was something bad. “It’s nothing bad, I just wanted to say that I know that Syd told you about the Christmas party and that I’m not going to let you get out of it.”

Tess loved Christmas. The apartment had been decorated top to bottom before the first week of December was over. But she rested her head back against the couch as she tried to think of a way to get out of it. The teasing they got at the Halloween party was enough for her and she didn’t need to go to another team event where she was the only one there as a friend.

She didn’t have to say anything for him to know she was trying to think of an escape plan and he shook his head, “I’m not taking no for an answer, Tess. If I have to go, so do you.”

“Beau, come on,” Tess whined but he kept shaking his head. Being one of the only single guys at a Christmas party filled with happily married or serious couples was not something he was looking forward to, but he knew it would be manageable with Tess by his side.

--

Sydney might be one of most fun people Tess knew, but she also took party planning very seriously, and Tess wasn’t surprised when she used the next home game to plan the Christmas party.

“I think it would be cute if we coordinate for the Christmas Party,” Sydney said during intermission. “I’m thinking red dresses would be cute and easy enough?” To no surprise, everyone agreed. Well, everyone except for Tess and Connor, who stayed quiet. “Tess, that means you too, okay?” Sydney said, calling her out.

“Red dress, got it,” Tess smiled and gave a thumbs up, even if she really didn’t want to go. Sydney smiled before turning to talk to Kristy and Tess melted into her chair.

Connor looked across the seats between them before moving to sit next to her. “Something tells me you’re not excited for the party either,” she whispered.

Tess groaned under her breath. “It’s just not my place,” she sighed. “I don’t belong at a team and WAGs party.”

Her words made Connor laugh as she kicked her feet up onto the seat in front of her, “you belong more than I ever could.”

“That’s not true. Barzy loves you,” Tess replied, shifting Sorel on her lap.

“And Anthony loves you,” she replied without thinking.

Tess took a deep breath as she looked down at Sorel. As much as she wished he did, he didn’t love her the way she wanted him too. “He doesn’t,” she said softly.

Connor studied her reaction, the corner of her lip twitching down before she looked down at her lap. “Whatever. You’ll always belong more than me,” she shrugged.

“Connor—” Tess started but Connor shrugged her off.

“I don’t look good in dresses,” she cut her off. “And I don’t own any.”

Tess’s lips tightened into a frown. She was quiet for a moment before saying, “red isn’t my colour so I don’t own a red dress either. We could— we could go shopping together?” She didn’t know Connor very well, and Connor was the polar opposite of her, but she was trying and she was Barzy’s girl and Barzy was Beau’s best friend, so Tess needed to try too.

“Really?” Connor asked.

Tess smiled, “if you want, yeah.”

“Yeah, yes. I’d, uh, I’d appreciate that,” Connor replied. “Thank you.”

Tess smiled, “then it’s settled. I’m available any time the guys are home and not playing or practicing.”

Connor nodded and thought about it for a moment. “The 12that 11am?” She asked.

Tess took a moment before she nodded, “yeah, I can do that.”

Connor nodded, “I can pick you up?”

Tess looked to Sorel as she pulled at one of Tess’s curls before looking back to Connor, “I’d like that.”

Connor smiled as she nodded before turning her attention to Sorel. The dark hair and blue eyes were a testament to her father, but there was nothing to say she wasn’t Tess’s. Sorel gave Tess’s curl another pull and Tess said an overdramatic “ow” as she scrunched her nose up and Sorel’s giggle made her smile.

Connor had to bite back her “you’re a good mom” comment. She could still remember the last time she called Tess Sorel’s mom and how embarrassed Tess was and she didn’t want to rehash that. “She’s cute,” she settled on saying and Tess’s smile softened.

“Yeah,” she said softly. “She is.”

Hair pulling aside, Sorel was a really good baby, and completely adorable with her chubby cheeks and plump pink lips. But maybe she was just biased.

--

Sunday rolled around and Tess got ready to go shopping with Connor.

Five minutes ahead of 11am Connor texted Tess that she was in the garage. “Okay,” Tess sighed as she got up from the couch to put her jacket and shoes on. “Wish me luck.”

Anthony looked up from where he was resting on his elbows on Sorel’s playmat. “I’m sure you two will have fun,” he told her.

When she had told Anthony she was going to go shopping with Connor, he couldn’t restrain his smile. He knew from Mat how Connor was struggling to fit into the group and he was happy to see that maybe her and Tess were getting closer. And he couldn’t help but think that, if they were to ever get to together, that maybe they could have a similar dynamic to what Syd and Kristy have.

Even if some anxiety creeped up at his spine that Connor would let something slip about his feelings for Tess.

Tess forced a laugh as she picked her purse up, “you and I have very different definitions of fun.”

Anthony tilted his head to the side as he looked at her. “She’s trying her best, okay? It means a lot to Barzy that you’re doing this, so just, please try to have fun,” he said softly.

His words pulled a small smile from her. “Of course,” she nodded. “But that doesn’t mean I’ll enjoy trying on a dozen red dresses for a party I don’t want to go to when I don’t even look good in red.”

The corner of his lip twitched up and he nodded, “I’m sure whatever dress you find will look amazing.”

Tess shook her head, even if her smile widened before she slipped out the front door and made her way down to the garage.

Before they even made it to Walt Whitman’s shopping centre, Tess made them stop at Starbucks to get some drinks, insisting that they needed some festive drinks to make it through shopping for Christmas dresses.

And probably the most unexpected thing Tess could learn about Connor as they rolled up to Starbucks is that Connor had never been and had no idea what to order.

“What do you mean you’ve never had Starbucks?” Tess asked, looking over at her in shock.

Connor shrugged as she got into the drivethru line, “I’m just not a coffee person so why would I go to Starbucks?”

“God, that really was the most not a parent thing you could have said, because, trust me, coffee becomes your best friend once you have a baby,” Tess laughed.

Connor just shrugged, “a workout or orgasm in the morning is all I need to wake up.”

Tess opened and closed her mouth as her cheeks heated up. “Okay, so no coffee. How about hot chocolate?”

Connor shrugged again, “yeah, okay, I guess. What do I order?”

“Two venti peppermint hot chocolates,” Tess replied and Connor gave her a wide eyed look.

“Two what now?”

“Two venti peppermint hot chocolates,” Tess repeated but Connor blinked back at her so she waved her hand dismissively. “Don’t worry about it, I’ll order, okay?”

Connor nodded as they moved forward in the line, “sounds like a good idea.”

Once they made it to speaker, Tess leaned over Connor to order before sitting back into her seat. “See?” She smiled. “Easy.”

“Uh huh,” was all Connor could say. Once they got close to the window, Tess handed Connor her credit card. “I’m not letting you pay for me,” Connor said immediately.

“You’re driving us to the mall, I can get us drinks,” Tess said, thrusting her card towards Connor.

“Because it’s stupid for us to go to the mall separately, but I can buy my own drink,” Connor said, refusing to take the card.

“And it’s a hot chocolate. It’s stupid to do it in two separate transactions. Take my card, Connor,” Tess replied.

Connor made a strangled noise in her throat as they pulled up to the window, but Tess didn’t give up, unbuckling her seat belt and leaning over Connor to stick her card into the machine. Once the transaction was approved, Tess removed her card and sat back in her seat and the Starbucks worker handed Connor their drinks. Connor thanked her as she passed one to Tess before putting the other in the cup holder and driving out of the drivethru.

Connor was quiet for the rest of the drive and she parked in front of P.F. Chang’s China Bistro, flopping back in her seat once the car was turned off. “I really don’t want to do this,” she confessed.

“Me neither,” Tess sighed after taking a sip of her drink. “So let’s just get this over with, yeah?”

Connor took a deep breath before nodded. “Yeah, let’s get this over with,” she agreed and undid her seatbelt. She opened her door and grabbed her drink before getting out and Tess followed her lead as they made their way into the mall.

“There’s nothing festive about this,” Connor said after taking a sip of her drink. “It’s just a drink.”

“A festive drink,” Tess explained with a light laugh. Iced caramel macchiatos might be her drink of choice, but she was a sucker for a good festive drink like peppermint hot chocolates.

Connor gave her cup a long look before shaking her head. “So,” she sighed, looking around the mall. “Where do you buy a dress?”

“Uh. Bloomingdales? Saks? Zara?” She listed. “And any store that catches your eye I guess.” Connor nodded as she looked at the store fronts they passed. None of them caught her eye, that’s for sure, but she also didn’t know what she was looking for.

“Let’s start with Zara sine it’ll be the cheapest option,” Tess said as she guided Connor towards it.

“But Bloomingdale’s is right there?” Connor asked, looking at the store front.

“Yeah, but that place is also crazy expensive, so if we can get a dress from a place like Zara instead… I mean, how many times are we going to wear it anyways?” Tess replied and Connor nods.

“Yeah, okay, fair. I definitely won’t be wearing it a second time so cheaper is better, agreed.”

Tess hummed but didn’t say anything else as they walked through the crowded mall, her eyes on the store front display cases. Finally, Tess pulled her eyes away to look ahead of her and the Christmas music that was playing through the speakers died on her ears.

“This one, right?” Connor asked as they approached Zara. “Tess?” She added when Tess didn’t answer her.

But Tess wasn’t focused on Connor, she was focused on the Santa’s village that was set up in the middle of the mall. The line stretched around the corner while workers dressed as green elves organized everything and took the pictures with Santa.

Sorel needed to get a picture with Santa. It was her first Christmas and they hadn’t brought her to meet Santa.

“Tess?” Connor said again, finally pulling her attention from Santa’s village.

“Huh? Sorry,” Tess shook her head. “Just realized Anthony and I never brought Ellie to get her picture with Santa.”

“Right, of course,” Connor nodded, holding her gaze. Tess shook her head before gesturing towards Zara.

Tess took her time looking through every red dress in the store while Connor barely gave them a glance. “You’re not going to find anything if you don’t look,” Tess told her.

“Haven’t seen anything worth my while,” Connor replied, scrunching her nose up at a red velvet long sleeve dress.

Tess sighed, “I get that dresses really aren’t your thing, but you’re only going to drag this out by not taking this seriously. The quicker you find a dress, the quicker it’s over.”

It was Connor’s turn to sigh and she grabbed the closest red dress off the rack and held it up to her body, “would this look good on me?”

It was a one shoulder dress with a tight bodice that flowed out at the natural waist. Tess shook her head, “you have a really nice body and you should wear something that shows it off. Go with something tighter, maybe with a lower or plunge neckline? And maybe a slit to get you more room for your legs.” Connor blinked back at her and Tess gave her a reassuring smile before putting the dress back on the rack, “I’m here to help, don’t worry.”

Connor nodded but she still didn’t look sold on any of the dresses.

They didn’t find anything at Zara, so their next stop was Saks Fifth Avenue and they discarded their empty cups on the way.

Saks had a way better selection of red dresses and Tess put herself second as she walked around pulling dresses for Connor. She had five dresses in her arms by the time they made it to the dressing rooms. “Okay, go try these on,” she told Connor.

Connor huffed but took the dresses and let the associate lead her to a dressing room, grumbling under her breath about how much she hated dresses.

Tess perked up when Connor opened the door, but her whole body was stiff. The first dress was a long in the back short in the front that showed off her legs with a sweetheart neck. “I hate this,” she said without missing the beat.

Tess winced, “you look beautiful? But yeah… Not the fit for you. Try one of the shorter ones.” Connor just nodded and closed the door and Tess could hear her grumbling through the dressing room door.

The second dress was tight, showing her figure off, but it had a nigh neck that Connor was pulling at as she opened the door, “I’m being choked. And not in the way I like.” Tess tightened her lips and she looked down with a nod and Connor didn’t wait for a comment from Tess as she closed the door again.

The third dress wasn’t as tight, but it had a deep plunge. Tess studied her for a long moment before giving her a thumbs down. “Why?” Connor asked. “This one is like actually manageable.”

“I don’t like the off-shoulder sleeves and it isn’t flattering your figure as much as it could,” Tess explained and Connor groaned as she closed the door again. She just wanted this to be over.

Connor actually look a moment to look at herself in the mirror, running her hands down the bodice before opening the door to show Tess. “Oh my god,” Tess said as she looked at Connor.

The dress had a straight across neckline with spaghetti straps and went to mid-calf. It was tight all the way down but had a high slit.

“Yeah?” Connor asked, her nose scrunching up as she smiled.

“Yeah!” Tess nodded. “Mat isn’t going to know what hit him when he sees you in that.”

Connor snickered, “he’ll certainly be tearing it off me at the end of the night. But mission complete, dress found. Now it’s time to find you a dress that will knock the socks right out of Beau and make him realize your feelings for him.”

The smile instantly slipped from Tess’s face as her heart dropped to her feet. The only people she told about her feelings were Cass and Darcy. “My what?”Tess asked breathlessly, her heart pounding in her chest.

“Your feelings for Anthony,” Connor replied casually. “We’ll find you a smoking hot dress like this so that he’ll have to know you like him too.”

The blood pounding in her ears went cold at Connor’s words and she was quiet for a moment before whispering,“who else likes him?”

“Mathew,” Connor said with a deadpanned expression, covering up her slip. “They’re like boyfriends.”

Tess swallowed, quiet for a second longer than she should have been. “You get used to that after a while…” Tess whispered, looking at her hands.

It was Connor��s turn to be quiet as she studied Tess’s reaction. Of course she knew that Tess liked Anthony, they all knew. “Tess…” She said softly. “There’s nothing wrong liking Anthony. I mean, it’s clear as day that you both love each other.”

“Stop,” Tess said firmly, shaking of her head. “Just because we live together and are raising a baby together doesn’t mean he likes me. He could have anyone he wants. I’m not even close to being his type or in his league.”

Connor had to bite back an ‘are you hearing yourself right now?’ as she rolled her eyes. “You’re right. He could have anyone he wants, that’s why he’s gone on so many dates,” she said. “Tess, he isn’t interested in anyone that isn’t you. His life revolves around you and Ellie.”

“Around Ellie,” Tess corrected, leaning onto the door with a sigh. “Not me, her.” She was quiet for a moment, “he told me I should go out and find someone. He wouldn’t say that if he liked me, okay?”

Connor bite back an eyeroll, “because he doesn’t think you could like him back. Which is why we need to doll you all up so he knows and will finally make a move instead of looking at you with the nauseating lovesick puppy eyes.”

Tess opened and closed her mouth, “he doesn’t like me. And I’m not having this conversation anymore. Get changed. I don’t see anything here that I like anyway.”

“But—” Connor tried, but Tess cut her off.

“Enough.” She said firmly, her voice a little more raw than she would have liked. It was Connor’s turn to open and close her mouth before she resigned with a nod and closed the dressing room door to change back into her street clothes.

After Connor bought the dress, they started to make their way to Bloomingdale’s and Tess wouldn’t look at Connor once. All she could think of was that Connor was going to tell Barzy who’d tell Anthony and then she’d lose him and Ellie and she couldn’t survive that.

She couldn’t.

She felt like she was shopping on auto pilot as she walked through Bloomingdale’s, but nothing stuck out to her.

“What size are you?” Connor asked, flicking through a rack.

“Two or a four, depends,” Tess replied and Connor tightened her lips as she eyed a dress before shrugging and grabbing a two. The tighter the better.

Tess sighed and grabbed two simple, modest red dresses just to try something on. Connor, on the other hand, had several dresses in her arms when Tess turned around to look at her.

“Here,” Connor said proudly, holding them out to Tess, who immediately shook her head, her eyes wide as she looked at the dresses Connor had pulled.

“No, those are way too revealing,” she said, refusing to take them from Connor.

“That’s the whole point,” Connor rolled her eyes.

“No,” Tess said firmly. “I’m not wearing those Connor.”

Connor rolled her eyes again and shoved the dresses towards her, not backing down. “You can’t decide that without trying them on.”

There was no way she was wearing any of those dresses, if they could even be called dressed, but if Tess knew anything about Connor, it was that she was as stubborn as, if not more stubborn, than Barzy, so it would be easier to just try them on to get her to let it go. And maybe trying the dresses on would distract her from what she had admitted to in Saks. So, Tess sighed and took the dresses from Connor and checked into the dressing room.

Tess shook her head as she toes her shoes off and stripped down to her underwear before going through the dresses Connor gave her to find the least revealing one.

It was short, they all were, but it wasn’t as tight as the others and had fairly thick straps, even if it had a plunge neckline. She sighed as she tried it on before laughing as she looked at herself in the mirror and opened the door, jerking back when Connor was standing right in front of her.

Connor scrunched her face up as she looked at Tess. “Not tight enough,” she said and pointed back into the dressing room, not that Tess even stepped out of the room.

“I don’t have the boobs for this. And it’s too short,” Tess replied before closing the door.

“It’s not too short!” Connor called through the door and Tess shook her head as she took the dress off, hung it back on the hanger and moved it to the other wall of the dressing room.

The next dress she picked was longer, even if it had a slit and a low neckline. It… Actually wasn’t bad. But it was burgundy, so it wasn’t really red, and it wasn’t exactly flattering on her skin tone.

This time she wasn’t surprised when Connor was waiting outside her door and Connor took her time running her eyes down Tess, which definitely didn’t have her cheeks heating up. “Don’t get me wrong, you look sexy as fuck, but it just needs a little,” she made a vague gesture with her hands before pointing to the sparkling dark red dress. “Try that one next.”

Tess took a deep breath through her nose before closing the door to try that dress on, not that it could really be called that. It was by far the most revealing dress. It was incredibly short with just spaghetti straps and no back.

She tried it on and immediately shook her head. It barely covered her ass and her entire back was exposed and if one strap fell down she’d definitely flash someone.  “I can’t wear this Connor, what would everyone think?”

“That you’re hot,” Connor replied without missing a beat. “Come on out.”

Tess cracked the door open but only to shake her head, “I’m not wearing this.”

A smile made its way onto Connor’s lips as she ran her eyes down Tess’s body, “you look so hot though! Like damn!”

“This is too much and completely unpractical!” Tess replied, her voice going higher.

“It’s a fancy Christmas party at the Martin’s, you should wear something sexy,” Connor told her. Not to mention that something sexy would definitely get Anthony’s attention.

“I should wear something nice!” Tess corrected her, ignoring the rest of Connor’s comment.

“It is nice! It’s a gorgeous dress! It’ll make you stand out!” Connor fought back, but as persistent as Connor was, Tess wasn’t going to let her win. There was no way she’d be caught wearing a dress as… revealing as this. Especially to a team event she shouldn’t be at in the first place.

“Standing out isn’t always a good thing, Connor! If you like it so much, you wear it!” Tess snapped.

But Connor deadpanned, “I hate wearing dresses. I’m only wearing one because I have no choice.”

Tess sighed and shifted the weight on her feet. “I know,” she said, letting her voice soften. “Neither of us are really happy with this party thing, so can we just try to find something we can at least both feel somewhat comfortable in?”

It was Connor’s turn to sigh. All she wanted was for Tess and Anthony to stop beating around the bush and just experience the happiness she had with Mathew. Slowly she nodded and she grabbed a dress she had put to the side and handed it to Tess. It was a deep red with a sweetheart neckline, and while it was meant to be tight, it was more modest going down to her knees. “Try this one,” she said. “It’s more your style.”

Tess took the hanger from Connor and let her eyes run down the dress. It was way simpler, classier, than the others. Connor was right, it was more her style. She nodded and closed the dressing room door to try it on.

As soon as the dressing room door closed, Connor fished her phone out of her pocket to text Mathew. They really needed to do something about Tess and Anthony at the Christmas party.

Tess took her time putting the dress on. It went to her knees with no slit and covered her whole chest and didn’t have a low back. When she cracked the door open, she even had a small smile on her lips.

As much as Connor wished she’d pick one of the other dresses, she had to admit that the dress looked perfect on Tess and she returned Tess’s smile as she nodded. “You look beautiful,” she told her.

“Thank you,” Tess smiled and stepped out of the dressing room to look at herself in the bigger mirror. “This’ll work, right?”

Connor caught her eye through the mirror and she nodded, “you’ll give Sydney a run for her money in that dress.”

Tess forced a laugh as she shook her head, “that’s literally impossible, but thank you. I’ll go change and then we can check out and get the fuck out of here.”

“Hallelujah,” Connor said making Tess laugh for real as she stepped back into the dressing room.

The dress was more expensive than she would have liked to spend, but maybe she’d be able to wear it to other things too.

Connor was much more cheery on the drive back as she sang along to the radio. “We have to do this again,” she said as she pulled up to the apartment building. “Not the dressing shopping, but the hanging out.”

Tess laughed as she nodded, “yeah, yeah we should.”

Connor restrained her excitement, “cool. Yeah, cool. Great. I’ll text you then. Or you’ll text me, whatever.”

“Yeah,” Tess nodded. “I’ll text you, don’t worry. I had fun.” She said and Connor’s smile widened a little more. “Have a good afternoon, Connor. And tell Barzy I said hi.”

“Yeah, I’ll give him a little shove from you, don’t worry,” Connor replied and Tess shook her head with a laugh before getting out of the car and starting her way up to the apartment.

“Any success?” Anthony asked when Tess came home and she held the Bloomingdale’s bag up as she kicked her shoes off before hanging her coat up in the closet.  

Sorel made grabby hands from her play mat and Tess put the bag down on the couch to pick her up, immediately kissing her cheek. Anthony smiled at his girls before taking a look in the bag. Tess asked Sorel if she was good for daddy before turning around to see Anthony holding the dress out in front of him. “Can I help you?” She asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

Anthony gave her a sheepish smile as he blushed. “It looks nice,” he told her. “I like it.”

“Thank you,” she said with a light laugh. “You know what else I saw at the mall?”

“What?” He replied with a shrug.

“Santa,” she smiled.

Anthony furrowed his brow, “Santa?”

“Yeah, you know, like Santa for kids to take pictures with?” She explained and Anthony nodded.

“Right, right. And this is important because?” He asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Because we need to bring Ellie to get her picture with Santa,” she explained before looking back at Sorel. “Isn’t that right? You need to get a picture with Santa.”

Anthony put her dress back into the back with a sigh, “she’s a baby. She doesn’t need a picture with Santa.”

Tess furrowed her brows as she looked at him, “what do you mean she doesn’t?”

“She’s eleven months old and babies are terrified of Santa. I don’t want to traumatize her,” he explained, his chest tightening at the disappointed look on Tess’s face.

“But it’s her first Christmas,” she whispered, fiddling with Sorel’s shirt.

Anthony was quiet for a moment. “Does it mean that much to you that she gets her picture taken with Santa?” He asked.

Tess hesitated, studying Sorel’s chubby cheeks before shrugging. “She’s your daughter, so whatever you want,” she whispered.

Her words made Anthony’s stomach twist. She was Tess’s daughter, too. “I’ll get dressed, you pick out an outfit for her and we can go get those pictures.”

Tess’s expression softened as she looked over at him, “really?”

Anthony gave her a soft smile and nodded, “really.”

A smile spread across Tess’s lips before she stepped over to him and kissed his cheek. “Thank you,” she told him before carrying Sorel into her nursery to change where she put her in a red long sleeve dress with tights and a matching hat.

Anthony took a moment to think about the feeling of her lips against his cheek before going to change into jeans and a sweater.

The whole way to the mall, Anthony couldn’t stop thinking about it not going well, but he kept those thoughts to himself.

They were in line for almost 45 minuets, which wasn’t awful, but it certainly felt like eternity to Sorel. By the time they got to Santa, she was a little fussy and Anthony just was hoping she didn’t have a meltdown in the middle of the mall.

“And who do we have here?” The lady dressed as an elf, Sarah, asked.

“Ellie,” Anthony replied with a smile.

“Well, nice to meet you, Ellie. You guys are next, so when it’s your turn, you can go ahead and bring her over to Santa. Of course you can be in the photo too, or you can stand behind that red line over there,” she said happily and Anthony thanked her.

Once the family before them was done with their photo, Sarah gestured that it was their turn and Tess brought Sorel over to Santa while Anthony took the carrier over to behind the red line.

“What’s this beauty’s name?” Santa asked as Tess passed her to him. Sorel fussed immediately and Tess’s smile tightened.

“Her name is Ellie,” she said before stepping back towards Anthony so they could take the picture.

Sorel’s lip started to wobble as soon as Tess stepped away and Santa’s efforts to calm her down only made it worse and Anthony ran his hand over his face. This was exactly what he was talking about when he said it would be a bad idea.

“Why don’t you get in the photo with her, mom?” Sarah said and Tess opened her mouth to correct her as she looked at Anthony, but he gave her an ‘I told you so’ look.

“Go on, mom,” he said with a teasing smile before giving her a shove forward, covering up the butterflies in his chest.

She hated how that gave her butterflies. She couldn’t look at him as she walked over to Sorel and Santa and picked her up. “You’re okay, baby,” she whispered, kissing her cheek.

Tess always had a special touch with her and it only took a few moments to get her to mostly calm down. Anthony smiled as Tess listened to Santa’s instructions to sit on his lap. He could tell she was trying to brace her weight on her feet as she positions Sorel on her lap towards the camera before smiling for the picture.

For a moment, he forgot how to breathe as he watched his girls.

It was so natural the way they took that picture. It made his heart ache.

He wanted…

God, he wanted more.

Tess thanked Santa and Sarah before stepping over to Anthony who quickly pulled his wallet out and he handed one of the elves a ten dollar bill for the photo. He couldn’t look at Tess as they waited for the picture to print.

Finally, one of the elves gave him the picture and he thanked her before looking at it and he instantly smiled.

Sorel may not have been smiling, but she wasn’t crying either. Her face was a little red, but her expression was soft. Tess on the other hand…

Tess had such a bright smile on her face that reached her eyes. He smiled as he looked at the photo.

“It’s a great photo,” he said softly as he looked over at her. After strapping Sorel into her carrier, Tess took a look. It was a nice photo. But she… She looked like… She looked like Sorel’s mom.  

“It’s nice,” she agreed and picked the carrier up. “Thank you for doing this for me, now let’s get home, I think she’s completely done with this.”

Anthony nodded with a laugh, “yeah, yeah I think she is.” He took the carrier from her and let his hand rest on her lower back for a few steps. “Thank you for pushing for the picture,” he whispered.

Tess leaned into him with a small smile, “thank you for agreeing.” She looked down at the picture again. The only thing that would have made it better would be if he was in it too.

--

The Islanders Christmas party came way too quickly for Tess’s liking. Before she knew it was December 17th. The Islanders weren’t playing that day, or any of the days around it, which is why Sydney decided to hold the party then.

The day started like any other, Anthony made breakfast and coffee, and they had some leftovers for lunch, and Tess made an early dinner and Anthony did the dishes so they would have enough time to get ready for the party.

Tess took her time getting ready for the Christmas party, not that it took her long to get ready outside of her hair. Her hair routine was always time consuming, but she couldn’t show up to the party with frizzy or flat curls.

She kept her make up neutral with brown eyeshadow and light eyeliner and mascara. She debated on which nude lipstick to wear before picking up a deep red. It was bold and the opposite of her style, but it would match her dress.

“Fuck it,” she whispered before applying it, giving herself a smile through the mirror before getting up to put her dress on.

It was a perfect fit, just like the first time she tried it on. It wasn’t a dress she could wear a bra with, but then again, she didn’t really have enough in that department to really need to wear a bra with any of her dresses.

She struggled for a bit to get the zipper up before giving up with a sigh. She held the front of her dress to her chest before walking out to the living room. “Beau?” She asked, making him look over at her. He was dressed in a simple blue suit jacket with matching slacks and a white button down with the top couple buttons undone, no tie.

His breath caught in his throat as he ran his eyes down her. “You look beautiful,” he said a little breathlessly.

A blush dusted her cheeks as she ducked her head and walked over to him. “Can you zip me up?” She asked, turning around and brushing her hair over her shoulder.

“Yeah, yeah of course,” he nodded, his voice sticking to his throat as he stepped closer to her. His fingers brushed her back, sending a shiver down her spine before Anthony took the zipper between his fingers and slowly pulled it up. Even once he had zipped her up, Anthony took a moment to study the few freckles that dotted her shoulders and the feeling of her almost in his arms.

The thought of pressing a soft kiss to her neck passed through his mind before he took a deep breath and stepped back. “All good,” he whispered.

Tess swallowed and let her hair fall back against her back before turning to look at him. “Thank you,” she whispered. “You look very handsome by the way. It’s a nice colour on you.”

“No problem,” he smiled, making those pesky butterflies flutter in her chest. “And thank you. You look beautiful.”

“Thanks, uh, just uh,” she held her finger up before turning around. She was quick to swoop and scoop her breasts so the dress fit properly before turning back to him, her cheeks red. “What time is it?”

“Uh,” Anthony said, trying to look at and think about anything but her chest before shaking his head and looking at his watch. “6:23.”

Tess nodded, “Emma should be here any time then.”

Anthony nodded, but he really couldn’t think about anything but her. She was… He had no words to describe her, but fuck did he want to kiss her. It would ruin everything, but it would be so easy to just reach out, pull her close and just—

The knock at the door snapped him out of his thoughts and Tess smiled before going to answer the door.

Tess took her time running through everything even though Emma really had it covered, and Anthony took the time to remind himself that it would be a very, verybad idea to kiss Tessa.

“Ready?” Tess asked, snapping him out of his thoughts.

“Yeah, if you’re ready, I’m ready,” he told her.

Tess chuckled as she ran her hands down her dress. “I’ll never be ready, but yeah. I just need to put on some heels and grab a jacket.”

“Hey,” he reached out to her. “Don’t wear heels, okay? They make your feet hurt.”

“Everyone will be wearing heels,” she sighed, but Anthony shrugged.

“So?”

She gave his hand a squeeze, “Thanks, Beau, but I’m already the shortest one.” She didn’t look back at him as she walked back into her room to put on a pair of heels. They clicked on the hardwood floors as she walked back out and towards the hall closet to grab a jacket, and Anthony definitely didn’t spend a second or five looking at her ass.

“Have a good night you two,” Emma said, her eyes shining when he looked over at her. “Don’t be afraid to stay out late,” she added with a wink.

It was Anthony’s turn to blush, the image of taking Tess to bed flickering in his mind for half a second before shaking his head, his cheeks darkening. It made Emma smirk. “We’ll be home at a perfectly reasonable time,” he told her.

“I hope not,” Emma replied and Anthony opened and closed his mouth before wavering her off and turning to Tess. She wouldn’t look at him but her cheeks were just as red.

“Let’s go,” he told her.

“Goodbye, Ems,” Tess told Emma before opening the door.

“Thank you so much for watching her, we won’t be out late,” Anthony added, holding the edge of the door.

“Be safe,” Emma winked and Anthony shook his head before following Tess out of the apartment and closing the door behind him.

The only sound on the way down to the garage was Tess’s heels clicking, and Anthony stuffed his hands into his pockets to keep from reaching out to her.

Like usual, Anthony drove, and the drive didn’t take that long. But, then again, maybe that was because he spent the whole drive lost in his thoughts.

“I’m sure this’ll be fun,” he said after parking and Tess laughed. She loved spending time with the girls, she did, but she didn’t have a place at these kind of events and she was tired of everyone pretending she did.

“Let’s just go in,” she said, reaching over to pat his arm before opening the door and Anthony followed her lead.

The first thing they realized when they stepped in was how many people were here already.

“Uh, let me take your jacket,” Anthony said and Tess nodded, shrugging it off and letting him take it and he hung both their jackets up in the closet before clearing his throat. “Well, should we…?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Tess nodded and he gestured for her to go ahead.

Of course, Connor and Mat had been waiting for them to get here. As much as they’d both rather spend the night in bed, they got to the party early to make sure a little something was hung by the entry so there was no way for Anthony and Tess to go around it.

Anthony was only a step behind her and as soon as they were both under the arch, Mat spoke up with a smirk, “oh, look who’s under the mistletoe.”

It’s things like this, Tess thought as she looked up at the fake plant with a deep breath. That made me not want to come.

Tess couldn’t look at Anthony, but Anthony couldn’t pull his eyes away from Mat as he glared. Just a few weeks ago he bared his heart to him and this was how he repaid him?

Mat’s voice had gotten the attention of others and Anthony’s eyes darted between the team, his feet cemented to the ground. Everyone was watching. He couldn’t kiss her now with everyone watching. But he couldn’t not kiss her, they were under the mistletoe?

Tess blushed as she realized everyone was watching them, but when she met Connor’s eyes, Connor smiled and that settled some of the nerves twisting in her stomach. No one would look away until they kissed, Tess realized.

Of course she wanted to kiss him, she had spent more time than she cared to admit thinking about what it would be like. She had seen him kiss Nikki and Florence and his other exes; she knew deep in her bones that he’d be a good kisser. His lips were so plump, she’d imagine the kiss would be soft and sweet and everything she could ever ask for.

It would be easy to kiss him. He was just a few inches from her, his eyes burning a hole through her soul. It would be so easy to just close that distance and kiss him the way she always wanted.

Her face burned with a blush but she turned to Anthony before going leaning in and kissing his cheek. Her lipstick left a faint mark on his cheek, but she didn’t say anything as she walked away, her face burning.

Anthony’s jaw was slack as he watched her go. She didn’t look back at him and thank God because nothing could hide his love for her in his eyes. Finally, he pulled his eyes away and Mat raised his eyebrow. Anthony scoffed before walking into the party, pointedly ignoring everyone. People’s interest in them died and they turned back to their conversations, leaving Anthony to bring his hand to his cheek as he watched her. He could still feel her lips against his skin.

He looked over at Mat who gave him a look that had him ducking his head, but after looking back over at Tess, he couldn’t pull his eyes from her. Her cheeks her rosy, her curls were big and fluffy, and her dress perfect. She was perfect. She’d always be perfect.

Neither of them were planning to be there long, so Anthony declined the wine and champagne so he could drive them home. It didn’t matter if she was sampling the shrimp or talking to Kristy or Wally, he couldn’t take his eyes off the whole night and he hoped that no one else noticed.

Tess’s feet started hurting halfway through the party, and while she tried her best to cover it up, Anthony could tell by the way she was shifting her weight on her feet.

“Come on,” he said, coming up beside her, letting his hand rest on her lower back. “Come sit down.”

“Huh? What?” She asked, looking over at him.

“Your feet hurt, come sit down with me,” he said, and he gave her a look when she opened her mouth to protest, so she nodded and let him guide her over to the couch.

As soon as Tess sat down, Anthony was quick to pull her legs up onto his lap. “What are you doing?” She asked, eyeing him suspiciously.

The corner of his lip twitched up as he pulled her heels off, letting them hit the floor. “I’m rubbing your feet because you didn’t listen to me and now your feet hurt,” he told her.

“Beau—” She tried, but he shrugged her off.

“No, I made you come, so let me rub your feet,” he said, gently rubbing her foot. Tess wanted to tell him to stop, that he didn’t need to, but her feet really were sore from the heels and the way he dug his thumb into the arch of her foot felt so good she had to bite back a soft moan.

“Thank you,” she said after a moment. “Feels really good actually.”

Anthony chuckled, “I’m glad my hands are good for something.” Tess tried not to think about what else his words could mean.

Connor saw them over Mat’s shoulder and quickly nudged him. “What?” He asked, nudging her back.

“Look,” she whispered, nodding over to Anthony and Tess. Mat followed her gaze and rolled his eyes as soon as he saw them. He swore they acted more married than half of their actually married teammates. “She doesn’t think he likes her back,” Connor sighed.

“It’s so blatant,” Mat groaned.

“I know,” Connor agreed. “The mistletoe didn’t work, though. We’re going to have to think of something else.”

“Agreed,” he nodded, pulling her closer.

They weren’t the only ones to notice Anthony and Tess, not that Sydney mentioned it.

It was getting late, and even with the foot massage, Tess’s feet her bothering her, and, honestly, they were both looking for an excuse to head home. They didn’t spend as long at the party as they could have, but they weren’t the first to leave so no one questioned it.

The drive home went by as quickly as the drive there, both of them just happy to be home. Even if Emma looked a little disappointed that they were home early.

���Thank you for watching her,” Anthony told Emma as he handed her a couple bills.

“My pleasure,” she smiled. “She’s been asleep practically the whole time, you guys could have stayed out longer.”

Anthony shrugged and looked over at Tess. “Nah, we’re happy to be home,” he told her. “Drive safe alright?”

Emma held his gazes for a moment before looking over at her sister and nodded. “Of course,” she smiled, looking back at Anthony. “And any time you need someone to watch her, let me know.”

“Will do,” Anthony smiled. “Thank you.”

Emma gave Tess another look that Anthony couldn’t see before gathering her things and heading out with a “goodnight.”

Anthony could still feel her lips against his cheek from when she kissed him under the mistletoe as he looked at her. “I’ll check on Ellie,” he whispered.

Tess nodded and watched as he disappeared into the nursery. She could still picture the way he was looking at her while they were under the mistletoe and how close she came to kissing him and it made her stomach twist. She couldn’t be that reckless and ruin everything.

“She’s out cold,” Anthony told her when he stepped out of Sorel’s room.

“Good,” Tess smiled.

They stood there, looking at each other for a long moment before Anthony said, “it’s late. I think I’m just going to head to bed.”

“Right,” Tess nodded.

Anthony nodded back, giving her a smile, “good night.”

“You too,” Tess nodded before slipping into the bathroom and Anthony retreated into his own room.

He wasn’t really tired, but he stripped down to his boxers and brushed his teeth before getting into bed. His bed was cold and empty and the only thing he could think about as he pulled the covers up to his shoulders was her lips against his cheek.

He let his eyes close and it was easy for him to picture what it would have been like if she really had kissed him. Her lips, he rationed, would be soft. This kiss would be soft, but, fuck, it would be perfect.

Her lips were on his mind when he finally fell asleep. And, in hindsight, he shouldn’t have been surprised that they made their way into his dreams.

He kissed her deeply, swallowing her moans as he sunk into her. She was so tight and wet and warm and he groaned against her lips, kissing her deeper as he bottomed out.

She felt so— Fuck, he’s never felt so good.

Her nails dug into his shoulders as she took a moment to adjust to him and he broke the kiss to look down at her. Her hair was messy against the pillows, her eyes blown, and skin flushed. His lips parted as he looked at her.

She was so fucking beautiful.

His tongue darted out to wet his lips as he looked down at her, her nipples hard on her soft breasts and, fuck, he could see where he was disappearing into her and it made him moan and kiss her again before he started to move, both of them moaning at how good it felt.

He started a slow but firm rhythm, letting her feel every inch of him while he soaked in the feeling of her. She felt so unbelievably good.

“Fuck, Tess,” he said after breaking the kiss, his voice rough.

She nodded, hooking her ankle over his hip, changing the angle enough that he brusher her g-spot, making her moan his name loudly.

He picked his pace up, soaking in her every moan, and it was almost embarrassing how quickly his high built. He reached between them to rub her clit and Tess moaned louder, her eyes closing as she clenched around him.

“I’m gonna,” she moaned, her jaw slack. “S’close.”

Anthony kept rubbing her clit and it didn’t take her long to cum. Her back arched and she squeezed him tightly as she moaned his name. It was the best thing he ever experienced and he fucked her through it, chasing his own high, which was right there, he just needed a little—

His eyes snapped open.

The morning sun leaked through the sides of his blinds and he reached over to the other side of his bed. Empty. Empty and cold and unslept in. It was just a dream.

It was just a dream and he was painfully hard in his underwear.

“Fuck,” he groaned, running his hand over his face as he rolled onto his back. He had a fucking sex dream about Tess, his best friend, his best friend who has done everything to be there for him and his daughter.

His cock throbbed, but he ignored it as he grabbed his pillow and pressed it over his face, his chest tight with guilt.

He laid there for several moments, but no matter how much he begged, his cock wouldn’t soften, the memories of his dream and being buried in Tess too fresh in his mind. His cock was just as hard when he finally pulled himself out of bed, but he ignored it as he walked into the bathroom and started the shower, leaving the water cold as he stepped out of his boxers.

The water was cold as it hit his skin and he took a sharp breath in, but the longer he stood under the water, the softer he became, which was his goal. He couldn’t be hard over Tess, and her certainly couldn’t get himself off to her.

It was only once he softened that he washed his body and hair. He took his time, the cold water against his skin feeling like an espresso before he finally turned it off and towelled off, trying his best to forget about his dream.

Anthony dressed himself in fresh clothes and when he finally came out of his room, Tess had Sorel on her hip and she was making the coffee he never got to, making him feel even guiltier.

“Good morning,” Tess smiled. “Have a good sleep?”

Anthony’s stomach twisted. “I crashed,” he told her. “What about you? How did you sleep?”

“Good,” Tess told him, and Sorel made grabby hands for him.

Anthony let his shoulders relax before walking over and taking her from Tess. “Good, good, I’m glad,” he told Tess before turning his attention to Sorel. “How did you sleep? Did you sleep good?”

Sorel giggled and he took that as a ‘yes.’

“Your parents are coming into town next week, right?” Tess asked.

“Yeah,” he sighed, as if his morning couldn’t get worse… “They’re flying in on the 22nd.”

“That should be fun,” Tess smiled. “Be nice to see them for Christmas.”

“Yeah,” he agreed, but he still couldn’t meet her eyes.

Tess furrowed her brows as she looked at him. Something was off about him. But then again, something had been off about him for weeks, not that he let her in. She sighed and took a sip of her coffee, which wasn’t as good as when he made it. “My mom wants to see Ellie for Christmas,” she told him. “Which I know isn’t really fair but—”

“Why wouldn’t it be fair?” He cut her off. “She’s done so much for Sorel, she’s—” she’s her grandmother too. “She should see her.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to take time away from you and your parents,” she said.

“I’m sure we can make something work,” he replied, looking at Sorel. “Your family could come over here?”

Tess glanced around the apartment with a grimace, “I don’t think we’d fit.” Anthony had a nice apartment, but ten people would be… tight.

He followed her eyes around the space before finally looking at her. Of course she was right, she was always right. “We could bring her to your mom’s for Christmas Eve?” He suggested.

“My mom does want to meet your parents…” Tess whispered, looking off as she thought about it.

Anthony’s stomach twisted at the thought of their mom’s getting to know each other. “I mean, if your mom’s cool with having them, but I really just meant the three of us,” he explained.

“Oh,” Tess whispered, looking over at him. “I, uh, I’ll talk to her I guess.”

“Cool,” he nodded, hating how awkward he sounded and he forced himself to take a drink of the coffee she had put in front of him. “And sorry for sleeping in on you two,” he told her, hoping his cheeks weren’t as red as they felt.

“Don’t worry about it,” she smiled. “You’ve been exhausted lately. You deserve a good sleep.”

Anthony’s stomach twisted out of guilt and he forced a nod as bits of his dream flickered in his mind. “Thank you,” he said after clearing his throat.

Tess gave him a reassuring smile before she moved past him to sit at the island and Anthony did his best to push every memory of his dream down. It wasn’t real. She didn’t want him like that. It was beyond wrong to think of her like that. But no matter how many times he told himself that, some part of him deep down couldn’t let go of the hope Mat planted that maybe she did feel the same, that maybe she could come to feel the same way.

--

New York didn’t get snow until halfway through December, but when it hit, it hit hard.

The whole city got nearly six inches of snow and the colour of the lights reflected against it. Tess loved looking at the lights on the way to and from games and now that the city was blanketed in white, she thought it would be nice to take Sorel for a walk to look at the lights.

“Of course,” Anthony nodded. He’d do anything for Tess.

After making sure that Sorel was bundled up and putting their own coats, hats, and gloves on, they headed down to the car with the stroller. The park close to the apartment had a good size light display they could look at as they walked.

Tess couldn’t stop smiling as they walked through the park and Anthony couldn’t stop looking at her.

The lights reflected in her eyes and her cheeks were rosy from the cold. She was beautiful.

Like that walk in park nearly a year ago, Anthony wrapped his arm around her, keeping her pressed against him to keep her warm. Neither of them said anything, but they didn’t have to. The silence as they walked was comfortable.

Tess was lost in the colours of the lights and the warmth radiating from Anthony that she wasn’t watching the ground. As soon as she stepped down, her foot gave out from under her as she slipped on the piece of ice.

Her heart jumped to her throat as she braced to hit the ground, but Anthony tightened his grip around her waist, letting go of the stroller as he turned his body to better catch her, his other hand going to her hip as he pulled her to his chest and back to her feet.

Tess’s eyes were wide as she held her breath. The first thing she realized was how close they were. Their noses were just inches apart and even in the darkness of the night and the coloured lights, she could see all the different shades of blue in his eyes.

Neither of them moved, neither of them breathed, as he held her and he couldn’t stop himself, his eyes dipped to her lips. They were so close, closer than they had ever been. It would be so easy for him to just lean in and finally close the distance between them. He wondered if it would feel like it did in his dream.

Tess took a short breath through her nose as his eyes dropped to her lips and hers quickly darted to his. His lips were full and pink and she thought for a moment that maybe he was, she could just lean in a little more…

But as soon as the thought came, Anthony caught himself and forced himself to take a step back as he looked pass Tess at the lights as he grounded himself. As soon as he was sure she was steady on her feet, he let his hands drop from her before stuffing them in his pockets.

“Thank you,” she whispered, clearing her throat.

“Yeah, of course,” Anthony said, reaching for the stroller. He couldn’t meet her eyes as he realized how close he had just come to kissing her. “Couldn’t let you fall.”

“Yeah… Thanks,” she breathed.

Anthony cleared his throat and they started walking again and he debated whether he should put his arm around her again, or whether that would be too awkward.

The colourful lights highlighted the softness of his features and they reflected in his eyes, but he didn’t process them as he debated what to do. He wanted to wrap his arm around her. He liked the feeling of her against him and he thought she fit perfectly into his side, not to mention he knew how easily she got cold and he wanted to keep her warm.

But he also came one move away from kissing her and ruining everything and things were definitely awkward now and he couldn’t have her know he’s into her by wrapping his arm around her again. So, he shouldn’t touch her again. So, he didn’t.

Neither of them said anything as they walked side by side and looked at the nights, but it wasn’t the same peaceful quiet from before.

But then the wind picked up and Tess pressed herself into his side with a shiver. Despite his dilemma from a minute ago, Anthony was quick to wrap his around her and pull her flush against him. He smiled softly at the feeling, his chest once again full of warmth, and Tess’s blush was hidden by her already rosy cheeks.

They were still quiet as they kept walking, but it didn’t feel awkward. It felt right.

Once they got home, he made hot chocolate for both of them while Tess put Sorel to bed and he just hoped that she wouldn’t mention that he almost kissed her.

“She’s down,” Tess said, flopping down on the couch and Anthony smiled as he walked over with two mugs of hot chocolate.

“Good,” he nodded and passed one of the mugs over to her. “This should warm you up.”

“Thank you,” she smiled.

Neither of them said anything while they sipped their hot chocolate, but Anthony kept replaying the moment in his head. First Thanksgiving, then Christmas party, and now the park. He kept slipping and if he didn’t get in under control, Tess was going to figure it out. She was too smart not to.

After they finished their hot chocolate, Anthony rinsed the cups out and loaded them into the dishwasher. “I’m going to watch some TV still if you want,” Anthony offered, but Tess shook her head.

“Thanks, but I think I’m just going to go to bed, maybe read a little,” she shrugged.

Anthony covered his disappointment up with a smile, “yeah, of course. Goodnight then.”

“Night, Beau,” she nodded as she walked over to the bathroom, giving him another look before stepping in and closing the door behind her.

Anthony tried to ignore how cold and empty the couch was watching TV alone, but he couldn’t. He knew what it felt like to hold Tess in his arms and he wanted that. He wanted to tuck her under his arm and pull her to his chest and kiss her and fall asleep with her in his arms.

But he couldn’t have that. So he had to watch TV and go to bed alone, like he had for the last year, hating that the only person he wanted, the only person he loved, was just down the hall from him.  

--

His parents arrived in the afternoon of the 22nd. The Christmas break didn’t begin until the 24th, but with the Islanders playing at home on the 23rd, why not come early and catch the game?

He didn’t know what compelled him to do it, but he left six tickets for Tess’s family as well. They only needed five, but he knew that she’d rather sit with them than up in the suite.

No game in the league was easy, but given they were playing the Caps, he knew it wasn’t going to be a walk in the park. But he also knew that his parents and Tess’s family were in the stands and the team really needed two points, so he had to play the best he possibly could.

They won 3-2. Maybe it wasn’t his cleanest game, but he had a goal and he was happy with it.

Anthony came out of the dressing room with a smile, but it died on his lips when he didn’t see Tess. He looked between all of the girls waiting, but none of them were her. She’s probably with her family, he rationalized, or even with his. But not seeing her and Ellie after the game left his chest feeling empty and he hated having to walk to the car alone.

Tess, Sorel, and his parents were by his car by the time he got there and while he smiled, he couldn’t help but realize just how much he counted on seeing Tess and Ellie after the game.

His mom pulled him into a hug and he hugged her back with a smile but his eyes landed on Tess and he wondered if she liked his goal.

“I’ll drive you guys back to the hotel and Tess will take Sorel back home, okay?” He said to their parents and of course they agreed. Tess kept her mouth shut, not wanting to expose herself to his mother, so it wasn’t until he got home from dropping his parents off that she congratulated him on his goal.

“It was a beauty of a goal,” she said when he came through the front door.  “A good choice of what corner to pick.”

Anthony smiled as he locked the door and he didn’t bother taking his shoes off as he sat down next to her. “Thank you,” he told her. “I wanted to score because I had all you guys in the crowd.”

Tess smiled as she looked over at him, “you had a really good game, I’m proud of you.”

He returned her smile as his eyes dipped to her lips for just a moment before he forced himself to meet her eyes, “thank you.”

She nodded before yawning, “I’m exhausted though, so I’m gonna get ready for bed.”

“Yeah, honestly same,” Anthony nodded. He was going to need his sleep to deal with his parents the next couple days.

Tess nodded and gave his thigh a pat before getting up, “goodnight, Beau.”

“Goodnight, Tessa,” he replied, watching her walk away, wishing that she’d come to bed with him instead.

[akaneluve]

〰〰° ⸙͎➤ ACADEMIC RIVALRY

꒰⚘݄꒱₊__ yza's notes! “ 💭 „ just a short writing yk- we need more academic rivals to lovers shiz ;) anyways im not knowledgeable enough about academic things so uh be warned ig

︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶˗ˋ .*ೃ✧₊˚.❁ ↷

Everyone knows that the final exams are coming at RAD. And everyone knows that two people are fighting to win the highest score, you and Satan.

It was academic rivalry ever since you came into the Devildom. What human would dare challenge the avatar of wrath for the highest scores in RAD? You would. So here you are cooped up in your room, coffee cups littering the floor.

Sheesh, exams aren't even that important! At least that's what Mammon says which resulted in punishment from Lucifer.

Today was finally the day of exams, students stressing out, the sound of pens writing on the paper, and the two rivals were going head to head. Students from other classrooms watched as you and Satan answered the questions on the test paper.

Time skip to when the scores were getting passed out. Disappointment flooded through your eyes, you got 4th place. Belphie and Lucifer managed to get higher than you, and Satan was sitting comfortably with a perfect score.

You wanted to cry in all honesty, after all those days studying and not even getting to the top three, other people would be content with that, but sadly not you. You tried your best but it hurt seeing your rival being all smug about it. You felt jealousy for him.

Satan decided to be boastful about it, wanting to show off his perfect scores to you. Would you congratulate him or would you just end up getting mad at him? Though his mind would like to disagree with the first option, his heart wanted to hear you compliment him.

But when he heard the sobs coming through your room, he stopped. Of course, after seeing your ranks it was honestly saddening for a top student like you.

Rivals be damned, it wouldn't hurt to comfort them for a while, right?

︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶˗ˋ .*ೃ✧₊˚.❁ ↷

[ishikawayukis]

ur moots as aesthetics? :D

oh this is fun! i'm gonna go with very simple ones so i hope they make sense!

@woozi yza loml completely ignoring her aes blog vibe i'm gonna say bright sunsets and neon lights

@sangyus cute coffee shops and libraries

@wonhuis anything with cats and the color mint (i have my reasons for that one LMAO)

@coupsnim pretty abandoned villas with a huge garden

@ohoshi those sparkler thingies that you can write things with and they look so cool on pictures

@masturbait tattoo parlors and empty streets at night

@kveom sunflowers and big fields on sunny days

@shiningwonho splatters of paint and vintage pictures

@000png coffee mugs and a room lit only by the light of a screen

@donghuun stained glass and old film

[perpetually-anxious]

Thank you to every single person who decided to follow me, it really means a lot. Please help me celebrate 300 and count down to my 23rd birthday as well! 🧡

Starting Today! (6/22—7/2)

—

🚀 Ship: send me some info about you and I'll ship you with someone.

🥃 Shots: send me a player and I'll tell you how many shots I would have to take to make out with them.

💋 Kiss Marry Cuddle (or FMK) : send three people.

❓Q&A: ask me anything you want, literally anything.

🎵 Playlist: send me a word and I'll give you a song from my spotify for every letter.

���Moodboard: give me a color, a person, and a specific vibe or context and I'll make you a nine-image moodboard.

💫 Horoscope: Tell me your birthday and age and I’ll write you a completely bullshit horoscope bc I know nothing about astrology or zodiac signs.

❤️Favorites: send me a category and I'll tell you what my favorite is (e.g. my favorite movie, etc.)

🧐 Assumptions: tell me what your assumptions about me are and I'll tell you if you're right.

💌 Love: send me this emoji and I’ll tell you one thing I like about you / something I associate with you.

🥀 Confess: anonymously tell me something that's been bothering you and let's get all the negativity off your chest, I'm here for you :)

🍾 Celebrate: tell me something that you've accomplished that you are proud of and let's celebrate together!

Tagging my wonderful moots, all of which I am very grateful for :)

@princessphilly @mikaelgranlund @cherrybarzy @2manytabsopen @itsjuliak5 @joelsfarabees @mondieumat @tkafuckit @barbienoturbby @yungbeez @rarozarena @radiantroope @drysdale34 @thatflyersfan @tjostyy @youngbeezersmixtape @norris-josh @luukasreichel @mikkothemoose @passthehockeyplease @jakethesnake2594 @yzas-stuff @krbdch @boqvistsbabe @itsurgirlgracie @ballsakic @nolanscheeks @nilspettersson @krugstrash @denis-scorianov @puckingfabulous @honeybearbarzal @joshsandersons

[joshuas]

what would your moots be like as idols?

hello anon! also all my moots are visuals and talented, just saying <3

@soonshuas

- first of all. she wouldn't be in the group, she'd be the manager. even... the ceo of the company

- the one that organises everyone and keeps a watchful eye on the group but knows when to intervene

- will fight antis with lots and lots of lawsuits bc... she's an intellectual <3, probably owns multiple stan accounts for her fave groups, she loves all her groups equally wdym :eye:

position: manager, or ceo!

@leech4ns

- the it girl of the group. people just want to be her <3

- the softest member. probably oblivious to all the love she gets, and the sweetest <3

- probably is the one with the acting and modeling gig on the side <3 like cha eunwoo <33

position: lead vocal, lead dancer, producer and song writer!

@januarystars

- that one member that seems really introverted but has a crazy chaotic streak that scares you at random points

- has dirt on all the members and would probably send it to dispatch for fun (cough cough the 34 page evidence file :eye:)

- writes a bunch of heartbreak songs every once in a while and when asked about it in interviews will refuse to talk about it <3 mysterious ;-;

position: main rapper, sub dancer, producer and song writer!

@sincerelyskye

- the maknae! the cutest! adorable! most sweet human being ever!!! probably hosts mucore or smth!

- she tries to be the maknae on top, will probably succeed if time provides

- super shy!! will release full chaos if with maknae line, though </3

position: main vocal, centre, maknae!

@lavenonie

- i don't know if one of the members of baldarctica said this already but she's the member that is the reason why your group is trending on twitter (i think sol said this)

- the goofball of the group, variety show QUEEN, probably hosts a variety show of her own with... someone.

- will literally start vlives of her doing the most chaotic thing... cue your group trending on twitter for eons.

position: main dancer, lead rapper!

@svt-incorrect

- the one member that everyone regards as Old

- is aware of the chaos that takes place but Judges :eye:

- will not hesitate to fight if she sees slander against any member

position: lead dancer, main rapper!

@ohoshi

- talent defined. the member everyone is in constant awe of.

- PROTECTIVE!!! will fight if she sees anyone slandering any of the members, the "motherly" kind of member

- that one member that will say and do whatever they want bc who cares about the industry - everyone thinks she's really cool tho <3

position: main dancer, lead rapper, lead vocals... maybe?

@njaems

- the "big sister" member - will be chaotic but is mostly calm... mostly

- that one member everyone goes to for advice <3 probably hosts her own vlive like chan does for chan's room

- strikes me as the member that gets surprised when the cameras zoom in on them at the mamas and freaks out a lot afterward lmao

position: main vocal, lead dancer, maybe leader?

@woozi

- another member who is literally talent defined

- everyone's just ???34$$%$%^#@ about how she's so talented

- the really personable member. the one that probably charms the interviewer a lot <3

position: producer, song writer (you give me jihoon vibes yza </3), main dancer, lead vocal

@soonhoonsol

- must!! protect!!

- the member that's super sweet and supportive! one of the members posts a solo song? the first one to post about how good it is on weverse or something <3

- the one member everyone collectively agrees cannot be hurt

position: lead dancer, lead rapper?

@cotccotc

- another it girl!! look at the stan accounts for her <3

- that one member that's just really friendly with everyone. kinda see her speaking the most at interviews idk why

- lich rally so talented like no one even questions it. she's got the visuals, talent and kindness and humility <3

position: the ace <3

thanks for asking anon, and sorry for taking so long. maybe if i'm asked again, i'll do more of my moots <3

[yzafre]

we're flying above the valley below | Finale

AO3

First | Previous

Kairi’s heart ached as she watched Naminé crumple.  Beside her, Sora started forward, but Riku caught him by the shoulder, shaking his head.

“No - this... isn’t for us.”

“But,” Sora stopped, swallowed, glancing back and forth between the two curled into each other and the sky above, “If they stay here, they’ll be out in the open if Xehanort’s magic goes off.”

Kairi cast her gaze up at the sky, taking in the thickening plumes of magic, the condensing mass of power above the highest spire of rock.  Something dark flitted between it all, slowly arcing its way towards Xehanort.

Or, she realized, perhaps it was Xehanort.

After all, the youngest of the Organization had escaped her before she could finish him.

“You guys go ahead,” she said, “I just spotted the younger Xehanort – I'll deal with him, then come down to retrieve Naminé and Hitoshi.  It shouldn’t take long.”

“You sure?” Riku asked.

“Yes,” she said, “I’m finishing this.”

Sora nodded, “Then, we’ll leave it to you.”

As they flew off, she craned her head back, planning her path, setting her timing.  She started low – wide loops around the jagged cliff Naminé and Hitoshi were on, biding her time – and then, when the moment was right, she swooped down, gathering momentum to arc back up and streak into the sky.

Just as her upward momentum began to die, she reeled back, storing up strength, then flung the Keyblade up.  It flew forward with blinding speed, nearly clipping Xehanort if he hadn’t twitched out of the way – but that was fine.  When it was inches past his face, she grasped the connection between her and her Key and tugged, pulling herself through space to wrap a hand around the hilt and twist, slamming her blade into his stomach and baring both of them down.

The wind whistled past her ears as they fell; disoriented, he didn’t have time to react at the speed they were going.  Kairi kept her wings pinned back even as they hurtled ever closer to the ground below.  Almost there – almost, almost, almost – now!

At the last moment, she spread her wings, air catching underneath them immediately, if a bit painfully, arresting her momentum just enough for her to angle off and avoid collision.  Xehanort wasn’t’ so lucky.

A plume of dust went up from where he landed.  The waters rising through the cracked earth below hadn’t made it this far, though the nearby cliffs were fused with the strange white stair-stepping features, glinting stone pavement creeping across the ground from their edges.

This close, they almost looked like buildings.

Just as she touched down, Xehanort levered himself up with a groan that quickly turned into a snarl.

“You,” he hissed, “Have caused me far too many problems.”

“Well.  This will be the last.”

His face twisted in anger, and he lunged.

Objectively, Xehanort was stronger than her.

Oh, not as much as he had been back at the start of this Journey.  There was no teacher like experience, and she had grown fast.  But he was stronger.

But he was also carrying wounds from Terra’s armor, who was stronger than both of them still.

He was weak, and he was faltering – and on one lunge forward, his legs gave out, and he hit the dirt, Dark smoke beginning to drift off his form.  Despite how he struggled to get up, it was clear he was through.

“You - you think this means anything?” he says, “I'm only one version of myself – I'll just go back, and start us on the is path once more.  Look.”

He pointed to the sky, where the Dark sphere of magic beneath Kingdom Hearts was reaching critical mass.  Now that she was paying attention, the crackle of energy in the air was more than just adrenaline.  It was the very power of that magic beginning to press down on them.

Xehanort grinned, eyes burning through the Darkness that had nearly consumed him, “Maybe I won’t get to see it now – but someday, I’ll make it here again.  And I will succeed.”

If Kairi wanted to respond, she didn’t get the chance – his body finally gave out, and he faded away.

She stared at the place where he vanished for several long moments, before shaking the strange prickling unease off.  Her job was done – she needed to get to Naminé.

On the way back, her eyes were constantly drawn up to that condensing magic, the dense blaze falling through the sky around it.  At this point, there was no way she could make it up there.  She was stuck down here, with nothing she could do again.

Sighing, she let her gaze wander down, where it caught on a group of figures milling about agitatedly below, in the shadow of the great pillar.

Oh – the Princesses.  It was easy to forget, in all the fighting, but that was why they came here in the first place.

Maybe... there was something she could do.

Once they managed to find some kind of equilibrium, Terra, Aqua, and Ventus took to the sky, escaping the earthquakes that shook the ground with increasing frequency.  The situation looked much worse when Terra wasn’t seeing it through the haze of someone else’s eyes.

They met up with four others – a mouse, a red-head, a young girl, and a kid that looked shockingly like Ventus – as they circled the land.  It took some searching, but they managed to find stable ground on one of the growing white peaks, landing on a clearing paved with what looked like three different types of stone and surrounded by structures that might pass for buildings, if the only buildings you’d ever seen were in an impressionist painting.

“You’re all okay,” Ventus said, relieved, “You all defeated your opponents, then?”

The Mouse shook his head, “I lost track of Marluxia, actually.  Though, I don’t think he can make more trouble at this point.”

The red-half barked a laugh, “Oh, you’d be surprised.”

“So, all that’s left is Xehanort, then?” Aqua asked, and they all turned to survey the world, in all its damaged glory.

You’d never recognize the Keyblade Graveyard as it was now.  The plateaus were crumbling, with strange, tiered peaks breaking through them, dotted with spiraling trails and ruined buildings that almost reminded Terra of the Land of Departure.  At the very bottom, water seeped up through the growing cracks in the world, flooding the valleys and slowly turning each peak into its own island, the wasteland converting into an ocean world.

The sky, in contrast, was nearly on fire, dark plumes of magic thick as clouds, hanging low in the sky, threatening to burn anyone moving through the airways.

“Yeah, there’s no way we’re getting up there,” the red-head said.

“But we have to,” said the kid that looked like Ven, “Sora said, if that attack goes off, everything below it gets decimated.  If they can’t stop it, we’re dead.”

“Maybe not,” Ven said.  Terra turned to him, wondering what he saw – but Ven wasn’t looking up, he was looking down, a strange light in his eyes as he stared at water.

“What do you mean, Ven?” Aqua asked.

Ventus pointed towards the horizon, tracing an invisible line between the peak forming around the pillar Xehanort stood on and the water below.

“The reflection – it's wrong.”

Frowning, Terra turned to squint down at the water.  At first, he didn’t see what Ventus obviously did, but no, there was a hint, there, the shadow in the water flaring out the deeper it went, curving in elaborate flourishes.

“Down there,” Ventus said, voice almost hazy, “We can ride it out down there.”

“Are you sure?” Aqua asked.

“Yeah,” Ven said, finally turning away from the water, “Trust me.”

Aqua pursed her lips for a long moment, then nodded.

“Alright, we’ll follow your lead, Ven,” Mickey said.

“Woah, woah, woah,” the red-head protested, “I never agreed to go for a swim!”

“Would you rather take your chances up here?” the black-haired girl asked, and he subsided.

The shift happened in three phases:

First: breaking through the surface tension and diving into the water.  It was deeper than it should be.  The ground that once stood there was seemingly missing, instead giving way to a bottomless drop below.

Second: a twist in gravity.  They couldn’t have swum down more than thrice his height before there was a popping and swirling in his ear, and any sense of direction left him.  He spun, disoriented, until there was another pop and the concept of up was suddenly re-established.

Third: they passed through another kind of barrier that rippled across his skin like surface tension, and suddenly they were climbing out on to the steps of a tower, easily breathing though water still surrounded them.

“Isn’t this the place you - “ Someone started, and at first Terra thought it was Ven, but then came the reply - “Yeah.” - and no, that was Ventus.  The first was the boy that looked so much like him.

“Come on,” Ven said, voice uncharacteristically solemn, heart giving off a steady beat of – aching – longing – loss – and headed in.

Terra and Aqua, following close behind, exchanged a glance and a feeling of confusion-concern-care.

Ven led them through a small side entrance, through waterworks and machinery, up several flights of stairs.  The place held a strange sense of unreality – many aspects blurred over and indistinct, except where they weren’t, where they were sharp and almost hyper-realistic.  Others shifted from impressionistic to realistic, becoming clear in the wake of Ventus’ gaze, as if his attention made them real.

They continued until they came to a landing where he paused, body oriented to the next flight up before he shook his head, abruptly pivoting to the side.

“In here,” he said, staring up at the large, ornate doors, “The lifeboats are in here.”

Ventus, Terra, Aqua.  Axel, Roxas, Xion.  Mickey.  Seven people.

Seven lifeboats.

If they were there – would they be there?  He remembered some missing, and then they all took the rest, and -

And this place wasn’t supposed to exist anymore, either.  Nothing but a memory.

Yet here they were.

He shoved the heavy door open, shadowed memories sharpening the moment he saw the vaulted ceilings, the pipes and machinery, the pods, the world sharpening into reality with them.

It was so over-whelming he was late to note the man standing over the center pod, back to them.

“So you, too, were drawn here,” he said, and Ventus was seized by – pink hair and bright eyes and hands around his throat and grief and crumpling and forgiveness and darkness bursting and -

And his name remained stuck on the tip of his tongue, just out of reach.

“It’s strange.  I have no memory of this place, and yet... something in me aches,” he continued, chuckling darkly, “That’s not supposed to be possible, either.  And I can’t help but think... this is all your fault.”

Marluxia lunged, scythe cutting through the air.  Ventus met him with solid defense – one, two, three – on the fourth, Marluxia froze up, muscles seizing, before he dropped to the floor, dark smoke wafting off him.

“Lauriam!” The name punched out of Ventus, agonized, the weight of it driving him to his knees beside his old friend.

“Lauriam,” Marluxia repeated, as if relishing the taste of his name, “Oh.  I see.  It’s all starting to come back to me, now.”

Ventus held him tighter, pressing his mouth into a tight line to try and suppress the quivering in his jaw, swallowing down the lump in his throat.  Not that it mattered.  Lauriam kept fading in his hands, growing lighter and lighter. 

“Lauriam, they’re gone.  It’s all gone.  We’re all that’s left.”

“Well, I should hope so,” Lauriam said, “I didn’t drag you all the way to that lifeboat for you not to make it out.  Although, ending up in another Keyblade war wasn’t what I planned, either.”

A laugh forced its way painfully through the tightness in Ven’s chest, “We did a bad job running from it.”

“Yeah.  Maybe... we’ll do better, this time.”

“Maybe.”

Lauriam finished fading with a bittersweet laugh, and all that was left was the distant grinding of machinery.

“Ven?” Aqua called.

Bracing himself, Ventus stood, turning back to them.  Terra and Aqua’s hearts chased him with concern, but right now he – he couldn’t…

“Okay.  These pods can ride out anything.  Everyone get in.“

One after the other, they climbed into the pods.  He could see the uncertainty in many of them, but – what else could they do? 

Finally, they were all in place.  Ventus just managed to close the lid when the world began to shake.

Darkness exploded out in a wave across the world.  It ripped through the earth, opening great fissures, tearing the great cliffs and mountains asunder, before it began to tear into the rubble as well.

Darkness exploded out in a wave across the world, and Sora despaired – they weren’t fast enough, they weren’t strong enough – he could only hope Roxas had passed his message on and the others had fled to one of the other worlds hanging in his sky -

A wave of Light chased after the Darkness.  It spread like a rainbow ribbon, twining itself around the Dark magic, ensuring it, caging it, stopping its spread.  The two warred against each other, fed off each other, leading the Darkness to turn on its opposite rather than the world around it.

“What?” Xehanort snarled.

“Sora, look!”

Sora turned, looking where Riku was pointing.  On a still-intact peak next to him, a group of figures stood in a circle, Light pouring off them and spilling into the sky.

“The Princesses of Heart,” Riku breathed, “They’re holding off the Darkness.”

“Yes,” Xehanort said, “They are indeed holding it off – but, they are just holding it off.  I will simply have to remove this obstacle myself.”

“No!”

Xehanort spread his wings, and Sora and Riku moved as one.

The three met in the middle.  Sora and Riku caught the χ-blade in between their two Keys, the Kingdom Keys sparking together and ringing like a chime.  Light burst out, blinding them, burning at Sora’s hands till he flinched and let go.  Riku flinched beside him as well, all of them pulling back and away.

Sora cracked his eyes open cautiously as the Light faded, then gasped, eyes going wide.

“What?” Xehanort exclaimed, “Impossible!”

Hovering between them was a second χ-blade, an exact mirror of Xehanort’s but for the Keys making up the guard, which were color-shifted to match the ones Sora and Riku wielded.

“A heart of pure darkness, and a heart of pure light,” Riku said quietly. “It wasn’t people.  It was the hearts of the realms.”

Hesitantly, Riku reached out, wrapping a hand around the hilt.  It sent a shiver down Sora’s spine, feeling the touch as if it was his own Key, suddenly becoming aware of the second star taking up space in his chest.  He could feel Kairi in the distance, faintly marveling at its presence beneath her focus on her work with the Princesses.

“Can we use this to stop Kingdom Hearts?” Sora asked.

“No,” Xehanort snarled, “I will not be stopped now, not at this juncture!  Kingdom Hearts, hear my plea!”

Bright beams of light pierced down to halo Xehanort, slowly forming a door that engulfed him, the doors immediately beginning to swing close.

“No, you don’t!”

Riku thrust their χ-blade forward, a beam of light connecting the tip to the door, holding it open and tethered to reality.

“Sora, go!”

“But - !”

There was a rumble.  The sky behind Kingdom Hearts began to crack, deep, dark fissures spreading across the expanse, dripping heartless down onto the ravaged world below.  The rainbow Light twined like a lattice through the air stretched up, creating a barrier to contain them within this world – though trapping them here with the heartless as well.

“Sora, you have to!” Riku said.  “I can’t keep this up forever, and the heartless will just keep coming.”

“But what if the heartless reach you?”

“I can help with that,” a new voice cut in.

“Huh?”

Hitoshi appeared over the edge of the cliff, pausing a moment to help Naminé up behind him.

“Hitoshi,” Riku said, while Sora watched him warily, trying to settle the sudden clenching in his stomach, “Got your head on straight?”

“Heh.  Yeah, got all the pieces lined back up, with a little help.  Sorry, about before.  Let me pay it back to you.  I’ll keep the heartless away, so hero-boy here can go take care of business.”

“But… that’s a lot of heartless,” Sora said, “And we don’t know what happened to the others.  Can you really take all of them?”

Hitoshi paused, confidence warring with uncertainty on his face, but then – like a sign from above, the answer came.  Trumpets echoed through the air; Sora’s head snapped around.  Above, a glowing host descended from the sky, flying down in a procession from the closest world, led by a glowing figure on a Pegasus.

“Is that… Hercules?” Sora gasped.

Behin him, one of the host raised its trumpet once more, blowing a loud, long note.  Hercules raised his sword, and the whole crowd began to yell, flying down as one to clash against the Heartless.

A birdcall shrieked through the air.  It took a second to spot, but a giant raptor streaked through the sky, sharp talons tearing through all heartless in its way as it made a b-line for the princesses, transforming into a large, heavy-set man who stumbled into a run the moment he was in contact with the ground.

Behind Sora, cannon-fire.  He spun sharply, wings flaring to regain balance.  A large pirate ship flew through the air, Peter Pan flying circles around the mast, easily spotted with the glowing ball of sparkles hovering about his head.

And – there was Genie, throwing magic around wildly, Aladin just behind him on the flying carpet.  There, a streak of red flew through it all, Hiro clinging to Baymax’s back.  Everywhere, people descended from the worlds hanging in the sky, joining the fight.

“Sora, look!” Naminé said, grabbing his shoulder.  He followed where she was pointing to see two gummi ships streaking down, lasers blasting.  The one leading the charge, he would know anywhere.

As the ships banked into a sharp turn, figures began emerging from them – a trio of corvids flying in sync, spiraling down to the ground below, another pair in black making a risky, flightless jump and plummeting into the fight, a final set flying high above, slowly arcing their way towards Sora.

As they approached, Sora began to recognize them.

“Donald, Goofy!” Sora called, rushing forward, pulling them into a tight hug, “What are you doing here?”

“Well,” Goofy said, mussing Sora’s spikes, “When that there Kingdom Hearts appeared in the sky, along with the other worlds, we thought maybe something had gone wrong.”

Donald nodded imperiously, “We knew you needed help, so we decided to round up all your friends.”

“But, what about the World Order?” Sora wondered.

“Pah! Forget the World Order,” Donald blustered.  “What does it matter when there might not be a world soon?”

“It also doesn’t mean much when the worlds are all hanging in the sky, right where they can see each other,” Goofy teased.

“Well, that covers that,” Hitoshi said, standing on the edge and peering out at the battle below, “Naminé and I can make sure any that escape that army don’t interrupt Riku.  So, Sora.  Looks like you’ve got a job to do.”

“Right!”

He turned heading towards the door – pausing when footsteps followed behind him.  Peering over his shoulder, he found Donald and Goofy on his heel.

“Guys?” he asked.

“What?  You didn’t think we’d leave you to fight alone?” Donald asked.

“Just like old times,” Goofy added, placing his hand out, Donald quickly stacking his hand on the pile, “All for one...”

Heart aching and over-full with affection, Sora placed his hand on top, grinning to fight back the tears.

“And one for all!”

Sending one last wave of affection and determination to his Flightmates, locking eyes with Riku once more time, Sora plunged through the door.

Sora stepped onto a moonlit beach.  The wind whispered over the trees in the center of the island, a soft counterpoint to the waves lapping gently against the shore.  Across the water, Kingdom Hearts hung big and bright against a velvet, starless sky.

Destiny Islands.

The nostalgia hit hard, and he reached with his heart for Riku and Kairi.  Instead, he hit some sort of barrier; he could feel their tether, still connecting him, but it was like they were shut off in another room, their presence but a distant murmur.

Swallowing down his unease, he took a deep breath, letting his wings bloom from his breath, stretch; they’d already given him everything he needed.

They had their part to play; it was time for him to play his.

There was a silhouette, standing at the edge of the water, χ-blade in hand.  Sora approached slowly, Donald and Goofy silent behind him, until he stood side-by-side with Xehanort, staring out at the waves.  For just a moment, if he only looked through the corner of his eyes, it was as if a young boy was standing next to him, gazing longingly at the open horizon.

The familiarity hurt.

Then Xehanort sighed, head tipping back, and the illusion broke.

“How strange, that at the end of all things, I would come back to this place.  And yet, how fitting.”

“Is it really that surprising, that you would go home at the end?’ Sora wondered.

“Home?” Xehanort scoffed, “This place was a prison.  My destiny was always to leave it behind.  And now, after all these decades, I am on the cusp of achieving my dreams.”

Sora took in a deep breath.

“I can’t let you go through with this.  I’m going to stop you.”

“Hm,” Xehanort ducked his head with a chuckle, turning to pace away, “You, and what weapon?  In forming your χ-blade, you forfeited your Key to the Kingdom – the only thing that made you special.”

....ah.

Sora paused, reaching for the power in his heart, stomach swooping.  The first thing he found was the blazing beacon of his χ-blade, Riku’s presence tangled up in it.  It sparkled, familiar and wonderful, but distant.  Disconnected.  It was his, but it wasn’t a part of himself – there was something about it that was...

He kept looking, digging into the shadows, and there it was – another light, smaller but warm, as familiar as his own hand.  He touched it, and his chest lit up, and he could feel it with every breath.

The same energy that had brought him this far – the star that had sparked in his chest all that time ago, desperate and alone in Hallow Bastion – still with him, even when the Kingdom Key was gone.

He held a hand out, and Light answered.  It spilled from his palm, dancing through the air till it filled the vague outline of a Key, stray Sparks curling in little arcs around it.  It shimmered through his veins, steady even as it laughed in anticipation – who will we be next?

Anything.  Everything.  A thousand possible futures, a thousand possible shapes, waiting for him to settle.  To choose.

Xehanort sneered at the formless Light.

“You think you can face me with an unforged Key?”

“I think I’m going to try,” Sora answered.

“And besides – he's not alone!” Goofy said, stepping up beside him.

“Yeah!” Donald added, “We’re here, too – there's three of us, and only one of you!”

“Well, then.  I’d say that makes it about even.”

And with a wide, wicked grin, Xehanort attacked.

The fight wasn’t going well.

The Light – his Light, the star in his heart that supported his Key – wanted to help so bad, gave Sora everything it had, but -

Without a settled form, it could only do so much.

They were flagging, all of them.  Donald stumbled, wavered; Xehanort moved in to take advantage; Goofy guarded, a last-minute maneuver, but the force of the blow sent his shield flying back; Xehanort wound back to follow up.

Sora caught the blow with his weapon, and the Light shattered.

“Well,” Xehanort said, “I did warn you.”

Things went quickly, after that. 

Sora tried to evade until he could spark the Light again – but he didn’t have Ventus’ speed.

Sora tried to break through Xehanort’s guard, to find a way to fight with just his own body – but he didn’t have Xion’s martial grace.

Sora tried to call on his magic, to fight from a distance – but he didn’t have Roxas’ deft manipulation of spells.

A storm whipped up around them, and Destiny Islands began to crumble.  Still, Xehanort advanced. 

First Donald was knocked away, then Goofy, chasms opening up between them, the wild winds whipping away the ground they stood on, so it was just Sora and Xehanort left in the heart of it all.  Darkness swirled around Kingdom Hearts, turning and turning, growing all encompassing, eating away at the edges of the world, pulling it away like gravity, consuming more and more of the land left behind.

Still, Xehanort advanced.

Sora retreated, step by step – until he felt the ground give beneath his heels.  Where could he go?  He spread his wings, looking to the sky – Xehanort's wings bristled behind him threateningly, the winds howling louder around him.

This can’t be the end.

Above, Kingdom Hearts shone bright.

Please!  Someone, anyone, I need help!

“This is the end,” Xehanort said, raising the χ-blade high, “You have no weapon, and no allies – utterly alone and useless.”

Sora breathed, and knew the lie for what it was.

Maybe none of them could reach him here – maybe even those who came into fight with him couldn’t keep up.  But he had every memory and every lesson they’d ever taught him engraved in his heart, carrying him through.  No matter what happened next, nothing could erase that.

“I’m never alone.”

Light.

Kingdom Hearts flared, and a hundred stars burst to light in Answer around Sora.  They floated out of his pockets, circling around him like little moons – Keychains, flashing in the light, every memory of every world he’d ever visited.

Faster and faster they whirled, soaking in the Light shining down on them, condensing closer and closer till all their lights merged and then – in one last flash, they burst out –

In their wake they left a gleaming, glittering Key: three thin steel prongs rising from where they wrapped around the heart-shaped decoration in the hilt, glowing red filigree wrapping through the blades until they met the elegant silver curves and points of the teeth, containing their own matching heart in the design.

Sora, a hundred voices whispered, their faith and hope flooding his heart, We’re here.

Breathless, Sora reached out, taking their love in his hands.  With this, he had a chance.

With this, he could fight.

When everything stopped shaking and the movement of the lifeboats reduced to gentle rocking, when a dim light could be seen through the small windows on the door, when they opened the pods and pulled themselves out, the world remained.  It was damaged, perhaps beyond repair – the cracked earth was scattered into crumbling chunks, floating in the water and the sky, interspersed between scattered, ruptured hills of white ruins – but it remained.

Terra sucked in a sharp breath.

“Terra?” Aqua asked.

“Sorry, it’s just – doesn't it look a bit like home?”

Ventus hummed thoughtfully, “I guess, if you squint.  Do you think the Land of Departure was a part of a land like that, once?”

“But, how did it get like that?” Mickey wondered

“Probably something just like this,” Aqua said, “Look.”

She pointed, and they all looked out, past the broken landscape to the figures moving between it all: thousands of heartless, and hundreds of people, all working together to fight them.

“The people from all the worlds,” Xion breathed, “They’re all here, fighting.”

“Well, we better go and help,” Axel sighed, “Fighting a battle like this without a Keyblade isn’t much fun – trust me, I was in their position very recently."

“Considering I took my Keyblade back, I think you’re in that position again now,” Roxas observed.

“Enough talking,” Aqua said, spreading her wings, “It’s time to fight.”

One after the other, they took off after her, weapons flashing into their hands as they streamed into the battle like shooting stars.

They separated quickly, separating naturally into groups, with Mickey flitting off on his own.

“Jeez, these guys are never-ending,” Axel groused, “At this point it’s a battle of attrition, and I don’t know how long we can keep this up.”

“Sora said he had a plan,” Roxas insisted, gesturing out and dropping an Aerora in the middle of the swarm, Xion darting in to cut through the gathered heartless, “We just have to trust him.”

“Well, hopefully Sora hurries up.”

A blast of magic barreled through a row of heartless like bowling pins, a floating blue man bouncing in excitedly.

“Well, hey, you guys know Sora, too? How fun, so do – “ he cut off abruptly, pointing down at them with a dramatic gasp, “Disappearing guy?!  And his disappearing friend?!”

Roxas turned, waving sheepishly at Genie, who stared with his jaw dropped, pointing back and forth between Roxas and Xion.

“Genie, you know these guys?” Aladdin asked, swooping in on the flying carpet.

“I do!” Genie exclaimed, turning abruptly in the air, fireworks popping in the air around him and – not so coincidentally – taking out some of the encroaching heartless, “I’ve met him twice!  The first time that carpet ran off and insisted he was our friend, and the second!  Well, the second he gave the advice that led to me coming to talk to you and Jasmine.”

“Hey, Roxas,” Axel muttered, watching the desert-world residents drift off into their own conversation, “You know the point was to not be seen while on missions, right?”

“I tried,” Roxas sighed, “It just... never worked out.”

“How many other people did you meet?”

“Well, you remember the fairy lady on that water world,” Roxas said, pausing in his attack to point up at the giant pirate ship flying through the sky, “And then... oh, there was the world with all the competitions.”

He pointed up towards one of the gleaming worlds above, where the glowing, toga-wearing warriors were streaming from, “That one.  Actually, the guy there told me to visit again, but... I guess I never did.”

“You’ll have to introduce us when this was all over,” Xion said, “Now both of you stop lazing about and come help me!”

“Right!”

“Sorry, Xion!”

“Wait, Ventus?”

Ventus stumbled to a stop, turning at the call of his name.

“Ventus, watch out!” Aqua said, darting in to cut down a heartless trying to take advantage of his distraction, “Pay attention!  This is no time for distraction.”

“Sorry!  But someone was calling me.”

They both looked to the side, meeting the startled eyes of Hercules, staring at them from across the field.  Shaking his head, he leaped from the back of the Pegasus he was riding, hefting his shield to smash his way towards them.

“Wow, I can’t believe it’s you!  It’s been 10 years and you – you haven’t aged a day!” Shaking his head, he turned his head to Aqua, “And we’ve met too, haven’t we?  What was the name?”

“Aqua,” she answered, “We did meet, briefly.”

Hercules laughed breathlessly, “You all disappeared so quickly – we never knew what happened to you.  What a place to run into you again!”

Ventus chuckled, scrubbing a hand through his hair with a sheepish grin, “Yeah, well - “

“Hey!  Are you guys talking, or fighting?” Terra called.

“Sorry!  Wait for me!” Ventus called back, quickly darting after him, cutting through heartless as he went.

“It was good to see you again,” Aqua said, “But I need to join my Flight.”

“Right - right!  We’ve got a fight to win – we can catch up afterwords?”

“Yeah.  Good luck,” Aqua said, turning to fly off after Ventus.

“Good luck!” Hercules called after her.

She soared above the battle, cutting through the flying monsters that filled the sky, keeping an eye on her boys dancing through the chaos below.  And it wasn’t just them – all across the battlefield, fighters from all worlds were joining in, holding off wave after wave of monsters.

It was funny.  They’d always dreamed of being Keyblade Masters – her, and Terra, and Ven – going out and saving the world.  But in the end, it didn’t come down to them at all.  They were just one part of the bigger picture, and not even the most important one.

Still... that was no reason to slack off.

Tucking her wings in, she let herself spiral down towards the ground below, landing in a Grand splash of magic that rippled out through the heartless, clearing several feet around her.  Springing to her feet, she sent her Flightmates a bright grin.

“Keep up, you two!”

Beyond Kingdom Hearts, at the end of all worlds, Sora and Xehanort clashed.

Blow after blow, their strength, their power, their will was pitted against each other, until, by some unseen cue, they leapt apart, each bringing up their Key, unleashing a beam of pure, unbridled energy.  The two streams met in the middle, conflicting powers fighting to overcome one another.

Slowly, Sora began to slide back.

“Sora!”

Two pairs of hands caught him, warm on his shoulder.  Donald, Goofy – he hadn’t seen them appear through the mists, but here they were, steadying him, adding their strength to his own.  It spilled into his heart, flooded through his veins, wound around his hands, his key, tri-powered magic building and building until nothing could stand before it.

Xehanort faltered.

In the aftermath, he kneeled, leaning heavily on his χ-blade where it pierced into the ground trying desperately to stand.

“Why – how?”

“It’s over now – you lost!”

“No,” Xehanort growled, “I won’t accept defeat.  Not this time.  Kingdom Hearts….”

He stretched his hand out to the great Light above; Kingdom Hearts shone down impassively.

Sora shook his head, “What are you even trying to accomplish?  What do you think is going to happen?”

“A purge,” Xehanort answered, “The world will be returned whence it started.  The world began in Darkness, and from that Darkness came Light.  From the Light came the people, and the people had hearts.  Evil burgeoned in those hearts, begetting more Darkness.  And that Darkness moved across the world like a plague.  The Light, the symbol of the world’s hopes, was devoured by shadow.  Leaving nothing but ruin – an utter failure.”

“You really think that?”

“Can you deny it?  You’ve seen it, the corruption, creeping through every world, every heart.  It consumes even this best - I won’t let it happen again.”

“So your answer is to destroy everything?” Sora protested.

“Such a world doesn’t deserve to exist.  The first Light – the Light of Kingdom Hearts – it can give us a new start.  An empty world, pure and bright.”

“…that’s not your decision to make.”

“Then whose was it?” Xehanort asked, though he did not wait for an answer, “We are stuck in an eternal cycle, that will only continue to pollute the world.  Someone has to stop it – to stand up and dictate a new destiny.”

“Even if that’s right… it isn’t you.  Destiny is beyond anyone’s control.  If there’s someone to lead us into a new world… they have to accept that.”

Xehanort’s face twisted – a strange mix of frustration, disgust, and resignation.

He laughed, low and bitter, “You… make me think of an old friend.  So, tell me.  What is your answer?”

“I don’t have one,” Sora answered.

“Hah.  And you think to criticize me?  Your naivety – “

“But!” Sora interrupted, “I don’t need one, not really.  Whatever future there is, it has to be one that everyone makes together.  All I can do is my part.  And maybe we’ll falter.  Maybe it will hurt.  But I won’t look away.  I’ll face it, as many times as it takes.”

Their gazes met, silent in a standoff at the heart of all worlds, Kingdom Hearts standing in judgement.

Finally, Xehanort sighed, head dipping with the weight of it.

“Fine, then.  I concede.  The future is in your hands… Master Sora.”

Staggering to his feet, he pulled the χ-blade from the earth, offering it out, hilt first.  Sora approached hesitantly, but the man didn’t move, simply tilting the weapon further in offering.

The moment the χ-blade changed hands, Kingdom Hearts lit up, beams of light falling down on Xehanort, piercing through him, fading him like a ghost until his body grew too thin to contain his heart.  Free from its confines, it rose, joining the source of all hearts once more.

In the distance, a deep, sonorous bell began to ring.

“Do you hear that?” Sora asked.

“Yeah, but – where’s it coming from?” Goofy wondered.

“Who cares about that?” Donald snapped, “We gotta find a way out of here!”

“Right, we – “ Sora cut off as the ground beneath them rumbled.  The small, floating remnant of the world beneath them shook, then stretched, the three of them being rapidly rocketed apart.

“Sora!”

“Donald!  Goofy!”

Sora raced after them, but the land moved faster beneath his feet.  He took to the skies, but they were lost to the mists, the storm having faded to a fog that closed in when he wasn’t looking.

Soon, he was alone.  Just him, the Darkness, and Kingdom Hearts above.

“Donald?  Goofy?” he called once more, but his words were swept away in the stillness.  Instead, there was a hum, something below his hearing that he could feel in his bones.

Come closer, it whispered, Come here.

Come home.

Heart in his throat, he reached for his bonds.  The gossamer threads still slipped through his fingers, the connection strained and stretched, nothing but a low murmur.  But Riku and Kairi were there, their lights steady in the distance.

Yes.  It was time to find his way home.

Tipping one wing down, he circled towards Kingdom Hearts till he could alight on the nothingness before it.  The Light loomed above him, enormous, taking up his whole vision while the Darkness pressed in close behind.

And yet it was so cold.

Welcome, bearer of the Key, a voice whispered, light and silvery, winding its way into his lungs, Long have we waited for you.  Fate and Our power are in your hands.

Sora swallowed.

“I’m not Xehanort.  I don’t want to destroy everything.”

Our power is not limited to the unmaking of worlds, no matter what the Fallen thinks.  Just as We can destroy, so We can create.  You do not need to start anew to shape the world you desire: all of time and space are in your hands.

What did the Dream-Eater say, before – that it was not only space that was bending?

“You mean… I could change it all?  Keep the heartless from ever attacking?

Yes.

Power settled on him like weights, like a predator’s gaze.

What will you choose, O Child of My Child? That light voice shivered up his spine, Will you take My power, and heal the world?  Put everything back as it should be and undo it all – the hurting and the bleeding and the ripping apart?

Destiny Islands, whole and hale – to never be separated from his Flight, to never let the storm consume Riku.  Or even further back – to change whatever fate caused Ven to seek refuge in his heart, to keep Aqua from ever getting lost.

To keep Xehanort from ever starting down his Dark path.

“No,” Sora said, low and slow but sure, “No, that’s not my choice.”

Then you choose to create the world anew? Another voice asked, deep and smooth, rippling from the nothing around him to vibrate through his bones, You who are beloved by the Child of My Child, you would wipe clean this destruction, and craft a more perfect world?

“No, that’s not it either.”

The air quivered, the Darkness curling curiously around the Light as cold beams shimmered across Sora’s face.

Then, what path do you take?

“I just… want to go home.  Just as it is.”

You would leave things as they are? The Light asked, soft and tender and condemning, All those who have died, who have suffered from schemes and tricks and invasions.  You have all Our power to save them, and you would do nothing?

“Everything that has happened… it’s been awful,” Sora said.  “And we’ve hurt.  But, we’ve also learned from it.  We wouldn’t be who we are, if we’d walked a different path.  Who am I to make that kind of choice for them?”

But what about the Darkness?The Dark hissed, suddenly tight around his chest, his throat, All the Heartless that have been unleashed in the world, that have been created through the arrogance of mortals?  They will still be there, and they will always be a threat.

“Maybe,” Sora answered, “But no matter what we do, the Darkness will always be there.  I’ve got that feeling that even if I undid it all, or made a new world… the Darkness would appear always, even if it was in a different form.”

The Dark uncurled from his shoulders, pooling up in the Light’s shadow, streaming off it like a cape.

“All this time, we haven’t been fighting for a new world, or to undo all his harm,” Sora explained, “We just… wanted a future together.  So we fought the people trying to take it from us.  That’s all.  No matter what happens next, as long as we can face it together, I know we’ll be alright.”

Silence held the entire world still, before it released with a sigh, weight lifting off of Sora.

We hear your conviction, Bearer of the Heart of Light, Kingdom Hearts rumbled, its laughter skipping across his skin, Though, perhaps one who has bent time should not speak of calmly accepting the future.

Light beaded up along its surface like a drop of dew, growing until it fell under its own weight, dropping into the nothingness below.  It splashed when it landed, the droplets multiplying and spreading before lifting back into the air, curling and shaping itself into a filigreed door.

Go forth, Beloved child.  Open Your Door, and let Us sleep once more.

Your future is waiting.

Like the light of the moon eclipsed by the rising of the sun, Kingdom Hearts faded.

The Darkness faded first, the corona of shadows dripping Heartless into the world below slowly petering out.  Then, the storm that heralded Kingdom Heart’s emergence calmed, the cloud barrier concealing the monolith once more.  Finally, even the clouds themselves faded away to reveal a clear sky, the sun rising above the jagged horizon.

The night was over; the battle was theirs.

Without reinforcements, the horde of heartless finally began to thin.  Eventually, they began to flee of their own will, popping away or merging into the shadows.  They would emerge another day, just as they had always done, but for now – for now!  Across the battlefield, cheers erupted, a hundred voices screaming their victory together.

High above, a door shimmered into existence, letting a young hero flutter into the sky.

Below, two heads snapped towards this emergence with unerring precision, quickly disengaging from the companions around them, spreading their wings and taking off.

They met in the sky, spiraling around each other in breathless laughter, their hearts, singing as one.

You’re here – you won!

Safe, you’re all safe.

We did it.

It’s over.  It’s over.  It’s over.

Later, they would have to face the heartless that escaped.  Later, they would have to navigate the implications of a hundred worlds hanging in each other’s skies, in reach of one another as they had not been since times long past.  Later, they would continue to unravel the consequences of their predecessors’ decisions.

But for now, it was time for reunions.

They Keyblade wielders and their friends all drifted together again, introductions that were missed in the chaos of Before finally being made.

“What now?” Riku asked, his arm a warm pressure where it pressed against Sora’s left, “We’ve been fighting for so long, I’m kind of at a loss.”

Kairi tipped her head into Sora’s shoulder, so close he could almost feel her the vibrations of her voice as she answered, “I guess... now we all go home.”

Sora watched as the other’s mingled – Ventus and Roxas dancing carefully around each other as they explained what they knew of their situation to a bemused Terra, Aqua studiously ignoring the way Xion watched her with curiosity, Axel constantly picking and teasing at his Flightmates, never going without touching them for long.

“I think," Sora said, “Maybe we’re all already there.”

Sora was born into a world where your heart had wings.

It didn’t always make things better, but in the end?

It was enough to lead him home.

[wonwooridul]

BIAS SWAP CHALLENGE

clearly, I’m very bored.

I saw this thing on Instagram for journaling accounts where they do a bias swaps with fellow journaling buddies and create spreads for the swapped bias of their mutual .

So @jonghan and I present you this BIAS SWAP CHALLENGE. So it’s basically a collab right? One post for one collab i.e. one swap one post. You can have as many collabs you want

The tag starts from 10th Feb till 10th March, a month.

To make it more interesting, we don’t try to do the content according to the person we swapped with, we wing it in our own fashion but keeping in mind what kind of colour scheme or what kind of stan they are (hard/soft). so it’s a win-win situation with your content having both the qualities.

For example, my bias is seungkwan and I switch w @softhyungkyun who’s bias is I.M and I work w soft content + contrast as she likes and she can work with shades of blue/purple that I like.

It doesn’t have to be for seventeen members or kpop for that matter, it can be of any person/group/band whom you love and stan.

you can do anything. write for the bias, create for a bias or however you want your imagination to run wild.

Tag your creation with #biasswap and use this format as your caption

#biasswap / @ ‘s bias : name of the bias(es)

I feel like Tumblr has been super dead these days and this would give it a revive and also more communities of Tumblr a chance to interact !

Those who want to do a bias swap w me hit me up. I’m not sure if I’ll agree to all as I don’t have time but I’ll try to do 2-3.

For any questions you can send an ask or DM either of the admins i.e. @uriboogyu (tis i, lee) and @jonghan (yza) !

[woozi]

henlo yza <3 how have you been doing?

honestly i don't have much idea but he's into film making/producing?, that's why his mv analysis seem cool to me, he's also a carat that is what hooked me up w his reaction videos jdjddk

junhao in today's concert 😭😭😭😭 i was calm since it started but then they appeared and my excitement skyrocketed djdjdjkd both looked so good 🥺🥺🥺, starting to miss them a lot ngl i hope they come back soon </3 what was your reaction? also how was the concert djdjkdk my links broke bc of junhao </3 servers couldn't handle them. i have 0 idea what happened after that djjdjddk which were your favorite performances? rant away hehe <3

ALSO isn't siren siren waeo waeo also vernon's part? and now what's 2 minus 1, i just love how these lil adlibs of his end up becoming iconic <3

HDDJKSKEDJDDJJS ofc unleashing inner hater is part of becoming besties afterall. ( she's bringing back svt club again oh my god ) i don't remember who said it but it was the ep in which members were talking about what/who annoys them etc and someone(think it was dino or woozi) mentioned about 'respecting things you hate' i've been using that quote so much ever since 😭😭😭 but only as quote djjdkdkd sometimes just hating is ok hehe <3

cannot believe ( she's lying ) woozi and hoshi again ended up last hdjddkdk woozi getting surprised is so funny to me 😭😭😭😭 ALSO not them clowning him for wanting to included in activities but at the same time not. idk how much of that is true but it sounds exactly like him lmaoooo which is exactly how i am 💀 3 yrs still stanning and it still amazes me how much alike we are oh goddd

thank you so much for sending in disc link <3 i managed to watch vu's performance hddjjeke only because of you <3. what would i without you <//3 i also hit post limit today for the first time in my life???? djjdkskssk today wasn't it for me ig but i had good food so we're still sexy <3

" have one more scheduled few mins from now" NAURRRR WERE YOU WRITING THIS JUST FEW MINUTES BEFORE EXAM??? 😭😭😭djjdjddk hope all your exams went great, also hope you had fun today, have a sexie week yza i love you so much 💌💓, mwah <3

CHERIEEEEEEEEEEEE I AM IN THE BRINK OF COLLAPSE FDGKJFDJKKDFJDF

thank u for always checking up on me </3 you are lich rally the sweetest 🥺

wait what is his name 👁👄👁 i havent found him yet HFDJHFDJHFDJ

THE WAY U WERE CALM?????????????????????????????????? i saw the guitar solo and lost it fucking IMMEDIATELY FJKFDKJFD U ARE AN ICON OF SELF-CONTROL <3 also me tooooooooooooooo </3 ot13 really brings a diff energy but i'm glad they got to go home and also got to do their own activities 🥺 ALSO NOOOOOO OH MY GOD </3 i wasn't able to find streams on twt too a lot of them got sniped and the others were too exclusive lol fdjkfdjkfdjkd do u still want to watch the whole thing? i have a multiview link for the power ver <3 i'm still getting around to watching the jp one though fdjffjfjdfd BUT MY FAVORITE FROM POWER WAS DEF FAST PACE <3 they brought out whorevenTEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! not amused at the backlash they got though. idk why svt gets this kinda response whenever they do something slightly sexy, lol. LET THEM BE THE ADULTS THAT THEY ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! v amazed at how they handled it though <3 king shit

ALSO YEAH UR RIGHT <3 think vernon really was born to be an artist <3 teehee

OK BUT THIS IS SO VALID OF U DFJKDFJKFJKFD svt club lich rally changed the trajectory of ur life im SOOO OBSESSED W THAT <3

thats what jihoon gets for being a hater tbh FJDJFDFJKDFD he wants to get out of there SOOO bad 😭 OH MY GOD HELP???????????????????? BC SAME 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 i think this is just infj things KJDFJKDFJKDFJK

NOOOOOOOOOO OF COURSE ANYTHING FOR U <3 i'm glad u got to watch!! also not u hitting post limit 😭 WHAT PROMPTED THIS FKJFFDFD also i know it's been days but i hear good food and my interest is piqued JFDKJDFKJD WHAT DID U EAT <3 AND WHAT IS UR FAVE FOOD <3 <3

yeah i was trying to get rid of the nerves then FDJJKFDKFJDKFJD ALSO THEY WENT REALLY WELL OMG <3 <3 this week has been hell for me though i wanna hibernate fr fr </3

ANYWAY HOW HAVE U BEEN <3 WHAT HAS BEEN UP <3 <3 I MISSED TALKING TO U SORRY I TOOK SO LONG TO RESPOND </3 felt like utter shit JKDFJFKDKJFD LOV U THANK U FOR STANDING BY ME NONETHELESS <3 <3 <3 I HOPE U GET ALL THE GOOD THINGS!!!!!!!!!!! MWAH

[yellowruby]

Dear Father,

You are my creator, and I am wonderfully made by my God.

You alone are worthy of my praise and adoration.

Forgive me, Lord for all my failures.

Lately, I have been really busy to the point of becoming disoriented already.. And I feel that I missed talking with you everyday Lord. I am sorry ♥️. Please let me make up with you, that's why I thought of downloasing this up because I wanted to write my prayers to you here, while attending to my kids esp my baby. It's really difficult to use pen and paper in writing my reflection nowadays, at home.

Thank you, God for leading me to this idea. I can now write my thoughts of you anytime I want. 😅 I miss talking to You Lord.

Thank you fod blessing my family everyday. For keeping us safe adn protected against any harm. Thank you for the strength my God, everytime I kind of feeling overwhelmed with all of my responsibilities. Grabe Lord. But yes, my hope is in you. I love ypu Fathet God. ❤️♥️ Thank you for Loving me and my family.

Lord, I am troubled. There are things I am afraid to ask you because I am afraid of your answers..

Please Lord, take charge of my life. I know you have led me to these things for a purpose. Help me to make things right, and allow me to help people not only in their earthly needs but feed their spirit as well, including my own. I Need you Jesus, everyday of my life forever and ever. You are my peace, you are my fortress. Be with me in all that I do.

Lord, I really want to help Dorey and Te May. I will dedicate our EC journey to you Lord. Help us to learn right and earn well for our families. Help us pls Lord. Lead us to the right people who needs improvement in their lives as well. Bless our relationships Lord. Helps us O God, we can only run to you who is great in all aspects. Have mercy on us. Be our strength and our guide. Bless also my other downlines, ate lucy, irish peal, irish lou and renalyn. And bless that I will be able to lead them better.

Lord, tomorrow is gonna be my submission of our monthly compliances. I pray that I will have no mistakes in my reports, and that I could submit them on time. Bless the works of my hands Lord, that it will always aim to give you glory. Lord, I pray for my son Rushe, for his healing and health Oh God. Protect him from physical evil, from any sickness, also for my baby yza. Grant them always good health and great attitude that obey you and your commandment. May you grant my mother patience and peace of mind and heart O God. Bless also mt brother Lloyd in his plans for the future. Keep him safe always and protect him from evil.

Lord of Love, I pray for my husband. Bless him with your armor or protection. Lord, you know that i stilk have the scars. And i trust no one at all but you. Help him to be true to me and our marriage and family, as i strive for healing inside. I believe that you have entrusted this family to me, these wonderful kids, and I will hold on to my promise. But Lord, ikaw na ang bahala. I just need to heal. Pls Lord. 💔 I love you Lord.. You are my everything.

Father, i need to sleep na. And these all i ask and give thanks, in the name of Jesus Christ, my God and Master, amen. 🙏🙌

[idontgiveaflyinggrayson69]

Life As We Know It | Part 14

Author: Nat / @idontgiveaflyinggrayson69​​

Tagging: @thirteenisles​ @matbaerzal​ @mcmo-anon​ @texanstarslove​ @matbarzyy​ @hockeywocs​ @ggggmoneyyyy​ @great-puck-work  @toplinetommy​ @fiveholegoal​ @itrocksmysocks​ @joelsfarabee​ @barzysreputation​ @iangiemae​ @stlbluesbrat​ @c-tangerine​ @yzas-stuff @canadianheaters​ @jeylia-haj​ @roopehintz​ @dreamsndior​ @beauvibaby​ @2manytabsopen​ @nazdaddy​ @sorryjustafangirl​ @sidscrosbyy @fallinallincurls​ @pastelpapermoons​ @miranda0102​ @hockeybabe87​ @teenagekook @svechnikolan @kayt-marie​ @heatherawoowoo​ @islesnucks​ @whoeverineedtobe​ @lovethepreds @ohpuckyeah​ @ilikealotofpeople-younotsomuch​ @mf-mightyducks​ @day-dreamerr​ @ficsilove10​ @notaccurateornice​ @rapidfever​ @hoodpankow​ @strong134 @dylancozzys @gravyoverall @newlibrary​ @lena306 @caelum-the-part-time-acosmist @honestreputation​ @taiter-tots @tysonjost-taylorsversion​ @hockeyjedi13 @oopsiedoopsie23​ [let me know if you want to be added!]

Word Count: 8.4k

Warnings: Alcohol.

Comments: Hey guys! I’ve got a really busy couple weeks ahead of me so I’m not sure when Part 15 will be posted but hopefully I can find some time to write! xx

(c) nat g. 2021 // do not repost, do not claim as your own

The first thing Anthony saw when he woke up was Tessa.

The room was dark from his blackout curtains, and she was still asleep on her side facing him with Sorel between them. Her hair rested on her pillow like a halo and her lips were slightly parted like Sorel’s. It made him smile and his chest filled with warmth at the sight.

He wished, God he wished, that he could wake up like this every day.

The thought had his lungs tightening in his chest.

He was in love with Tessa.

He did his best to slip out of bed without disturbing her or Sorel before making his way to the bathroom, taking care to close the door as quietly as he could before resting his forehead against the wood.

He was fucked.

He was absolutely fucked.

This wasn’t how it was supposed to go.

Everyone always fell for the best friend, everyone told him he couldn’t be friends with Tess without falling for her. But it was supposed to be different. He was going to prove them wrong. He and Tess had the most perfect friendship he could ask for and it was always supposed to be them, but it wasn’t supposed to be them.

He tapped his head against the door lightly before taking a deep breath through his nose and stepping towards the vanity. He splashed some cold water on his face before resting his hands on either side of the sink.

Anthony let his head hang between his shoulders and he took a long breath before he met his reflection.

He was in love with Tessa.

“Fuck,” he whispered to himself.

He really had to go ruin everything by catching feelings for her; by falling in love with her.

He didn’t know if he wanted to curse himself out or bang his fists against the counter or punch something. But he couldn’t do any of it without waking his girls in the next room, so he had to clamp his mouth shut and bury it away.

He took his time in the bathroom, forcing himself to take deep breaths as he tried to ease his racing mind, but there was nothing he could tell himself to make this better.

They were still asleep when he cracked the bathroom door open, so Anthony slipped out to the kitchen. It had been a long couple days for both of them so he wasn’t going to wake them.

Plus, he really didn’t think he could face Tess right now.

His hands shook as he got two mugs down and turned the Keurig on and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t take as deep a breath as he needed.

Tess had been there through it all. She had been there when he was a rookie, when he got sent down to Bridgeport, when he got to play for Team Canada, the first time he played in a Stanley Cup playoff game, both times he played in the Conference Finals, through Nikki and all his other questionable exes, and with Sorel. Tess had always been there. Tess was the one person he could truly count on. Tess was—

“Good morning,” Tess said, making Anthony jump. He cursed and Tess laughed, butterflies erupting in his stomach at the sound. “Jumpy this morning?” She asked before putting Sorel down in her highchair.

“Uh, maybe, I guess,” he replied before putting her mug under the Keurig and hitting start. He glanced at his watch and saw that he had lost more time than he realized stuck in his head. He forced a smile as he turned to face her, crossing his arms over his chest as he leaned back against the counter. She was as beautiful as ever and Anthony did his best to swallow the anxiety crawling up his throat as he asked, “how’d you sleep?”

Tess brushed her hair behind her ear as a light blush dusted her cheeks. “Uh yeah, good. Thanks. I hope you slept alright considering I kinda invaded your bed…” she laughed nervously.

Anthony gave her a soft smile and nodded. “Like a baby,” he lied with a small laugh. “There was plenty of room.”

Tess laughed with him before looking over at Sorel. “The baby also slept like a baby.”

“Yeah,” Anthony hummed, but couldn’t pull his eyes from Tess. “She looked mighty comfy in your arms. Now that she knows she can sleep with us, putting her to bed just got a lot harder.”

Tess breathed a laugh before looking back at Anthony. She knew that it would be bad to teach Sorel that crying all day would mean getting to spend the night in Anthony’s bed, but she couldn’t help but think it wouldn’t be that bad. The three of them, together, in bed, like a family. She always hated being in his bed, but him being the last thing she saw before she fell asleep? Yeah, she could get used to that.

“As long as we don’t get another bad storm I think she’ll be alright,” Tess told him. Anthony hummed and added the cream and sugar to her coffee once it was done brewing before he passed it over to her. She whispered a thank you as she took it before taking a sip and, as usual, it was perfect.

Anthony made breakfast, even though he really wasn’t hungry.

His heart sat in his gut as he made avocado toast with eggs and he hoped that he’d be able to stomach it down because he knew Tess would find it suspicious if he didn’t eat breakfast.

He couldn’t meet Tess’s eyes as he handed her plate to her, and he set his aside before scrambling an egg for Sorel and busying himself with feeding her. To no surprise, Tess was done before Sorel was and she offered to take over so Anthony could eat his breakfast and, as much as he didn’t want to, he couldn’t say no to her.

His toast and eggs were cold and soggy and sat like a rock in his stomach, but he managed to force it down before starting on the dishes, even if Tess offered to do them.

Anthony was jump and distant the whole day. To Tess, it seemed like everything she said he either didn’t hear or it made him jump five feet in the air. Something was clearly up with him and she knew it, but every time she asked, he replied, “just tired from the trip. The early game and the plane ride and then Sorel, I’m just tired, promise.”

Tess didn’t doubt that, but she couldn’t help but wonder if more was going on.

He had asked her to stay, had reassured her that it was okay, but she wondered if it wasn’t; if she had crossed some boundary.

They went to bed early that night. And while Tess was scrolling through Instagram liking picture after picture of Winnie, Marty and Winnie, Sydney and Marty, Reese and Casey, Jack and Casey, her heart aching in her chest, Anthony got the whisky down from the top shelf with shaking hands.

He poured himself a double and it stung his throat as he downed it, but, even as he laid in bed, it did nothing to quiet the thoughts racing through his head. He rolled onto his side, his heart twisting at the empty bed beside him and he reached out to touch the cold pillow.

He was in love with Tess and it could ruin everything.

--

Anthony has had bad stretches. Every player has.

Once, he went through such a rough stretch that the Isles sent him down to Bridgeport.

People called him streaky and he could go games between points. But he was working on being more consistent and he was playing so well to start the season. He had the dad strength and was on pace to break his career highs in goals, assists, and points.

But, fuck, did he start playing like shit.

He made bad passes, missed open nets, left his head down, took too many hits without giving any, and took too many penalties because he didn’t keep his feet moving. One of his strengths was his speed and skating, but his feet felt like lead and he just seemed to be on the wrong side of every puck and play.

Everyone could see it. Trotz, the team, the media, Tess; everyone could see it.

He just—

He couldn’t focus.

The warmth and butterflies and anxiety chewed away at him every second of every day.

He couldn’t stop thinking about it, about her.

He thought about her eyes and her smile and her curls and her laugh and her legs in her sleep shorts and her collarbones peeking out from the collar of her shirt that was really his shirt and her lips and kissing her. God, he couldn’t stop thinking about kissing her.

He found his eyes dipping to her lips while she spoke and when she was putting on chapstick, and he was hyperaware of every time she bit her lip or her tongue darted out to wet her lips.

In the morning he thought about kissing her while he passed her cup of coffee to her. At night he thought about kissing her goodnight. And while he laid in bed trying to fall asleep at night, he thought about her being next to him, being able to look over and see her, her being the last thing he saw before he fell asleep and the first thing when he woke the next morning, like the night of the storm. He thought about what her lips would feel like against his and what her chapstick tasted like and that dream from Halloween night flickered in the back of his mind.

He couldn’t stop thinking about her and he played like shit because of it.

How could he focus on playing hockey when he was sitting on a stick of dynamite that threatened to ruin everything?

His plays—his mistakes—came up during practice and the videos they had to watch. Trotz spoke to him on the bench and between periods, the assistant coaches too. The message was clear, but he just couldn’t shake out of the rut.

Tess would be there waiting for him after every home game, and be there when he got home from practice, and he could barely meet her eyes. He wasn’t blind, he could see the concern on her face. It was so unlike him for his play to take such a steep plunge for no reason. But it wasn’t like he could tell her the truth.

And that was the part that really got him.

Tess was his person. She always knew what to say and how to help and she was the best listener he knew. The only person he wanted to talk to about his feelings for Tess was Tess.

But it wasn’t like he could do that.

So, he just had to figure out how to bury his feelings away without it impacting his play. Which was, unfortunately, easier said than done.

--

Tess’s mom had texted her a few times asking if she was coming home for Thanksgiving and if Anthony and Sorel would be joining them, but Tess hadn’t been able to give her an answer.

With the way Anthony had been playing, the way he had been acting, she just didn’t feel right asking him if he wanted to go to Thanksgiving dinner with her family. He seemed stressed and Thanksgiving was stressful when it’s your own family, but it wasn’t even his. So, she just… Didn’t ask.

And, well, maybe she should have.

The knock at the door surprised both of them and Tess looked to Anthony with a furrowed brow. He shrugged, not expecting anyone either before walking over to the door. His shoulders relaxed as he looked through the peephole before he opened the door. “It’s for you, Tess,” he said with a smile. “Hey Emma.”

“Emma?” Tess asked, surprised to see her younger sister. Anthony shrugged, just as lost as he closed the door behind her.

“Hey, Tess,” she smiled. “Don’t worry, I’m just stopping by because I have something for Ellie.”

“Oh?” Tess asked and Emma’s smile widened as she held up a little bag before she handed it over to Tess.

It was just a plastic shopping bag and Tess knew immediately it was clothes. She glanced into the bag and was surprised to see that it was still folded pretty well. After taking it out of the bag, she tucked the bag under her arm and unfolded it.

“It’s for Thanksgiving!” Emma explained and Anthony raised an eyebrow before Tess turned it around so he could see. It was a long sleeve onesie with ‘my first Thanksgiving’ written across the front. “You guys are coming, right?”

“Coming?” Anthony asked, picking Sorel off the playmat to show her the gift, not that she really cared.

It was Emma’s turn to furrow her brows as she looked to her sister who couldn’t meet her eyes. “I didn’t ask him,” she whispered.

“Oh,” Emma said shortly.

“Didn’t ask me what?” Anthony asked softly, walking over to stand next to her.

Tess was quiet for a moment. “If you wanted to come to Thanksgiving dinner,” she told him. “I didn’t want you to feel obligated or anything. I know my family can be a lot and you’re Canadian and—” she rambled but Anthony cut her off with a pointed look.

“I’d love to come. If you want me to come, that is,” he told her. He’d do anything that meant spending time with her.

She nodded, “if you want to come, then you should come.”

Emma restrained an eyeroll. “Then it’s settled, you’re coming. Mom will be very happy to hear that this cutie will be joining us,” she smiled as she looked at Sorel. “I’m telling you, all she does is complain that you don’t send her enough pictures…” Tess breathed a forced laugh but Emma ignored it. “Well, I have class in an hour so I’m going to get going so I’m not late, but I will see you next week!”

“Yeah, we’ll see you next week,” Tess nodded. “Thank you for the onesie, I’ll send you and mom a picture of her in it after I wash it.”

Emma’s smile widened, “can’t wait!”

She pulled her younger sister into a hug and whispered an “I love you” to her before pulling back and Emma gave Sorel a wave before slipping out, closing the door behind her.

The apartment was quiet for a long moment before Tess turned to him. “You don’t have to feel pressed into going if you don’t want to.”

“And pass up a home cooked meal?” He asked, covering up the I just want to be with you that clawed at his throat.

His comment made Tess laugh and he had to walk into the kitchen to distract himself from how much he adored that sound.

Anthony, again, went pointless and was on the wrong end of a high stick that cut his nose in the two games between Emma coming over and Thanksgiving. But, after the game, Tess did cup his face as she inspected the very minor damage and she was close enough he could smell her perfume and see every line on her lips and his heart did summersaults in his chest before she pulled back. She patted his shoulder, satisfied that he wasn’t really hurt and it felt like his heart had twisted one too many times, his whole chest going cold once she pulled away.

And then, just like that, it was Thanksgiving.

Anthony had asked Tess if they needed to bring anything for dinner, like pie or something, but she assured him that her mom had it covered. Still, Anthony hated the idea of going empty handed, so he settled on bringing a couple bottles of wine. Nice wine. He took his time at the store picking out a nice Pinot Noir, Merlot, Pinot Grigio, and Riesling and he hoped that her mom liked them.  

He needed her mom to like them.

Thanksgiving morning started like every other morning. He made her perfect coffee and this time it was Tess who fed Sorel breakfast so he got to lean back against the counter and watch them and try to think about anything other than how perfect she was and how much he wanted to walk over and brush her hair back and kiss her.

They started getting ready after breakfast. Tess premeasured some formula into bottles and made sure the diaper bag was properly stocked while Anthony picked out Sorel’s outfit and packed the wine into a bag they wouldn’t knock against each other in.

“Should we bring her highchair?” Anthony asked when he set Sorel in hers for lunch, but Tess shook her head.

“No, my mom has one,” she told him. Her mom still had a lot of her baby items, keeping them for her future grandbabies, which happened to be very helpful for them.

“Okay,” Anthony nodded and started making lunch, not that Tess let him eat anything other than a light snack.

“Don’t fill up before dinner,” she told him and had it been anyone else, he wouldn’t have listened, but it was Tess so of course he did.

Tess took her time getting ready. It was just her family, but she still wanted to look nice. And, really, it was her hair that took the longest, having to go through her hair routine after she got out of the shower. But, once her hair was defused, she changed into a simple pair of jeans with a burgundy sweater. She kept her make up simple, just some filled in her brows, and put on some brown eyeshadow and mascara. She left her hair down and gave herself a final look over in the mirror before stepping out into the living room and freezing.

“Okay, one of us has to change,” she said, making Antony lift his head from where he was trying to put a bow on Sorel.

“Huh? Oh,” he whispered before laughing. His jeans were darker than hers, and it wasn’t the same burgundy, but it was still the same outfit. “You don’t want to match?” He asked with a smile. It wasn’t intentional; he had no idea that was what she was planning on wearing, but he couldn’t lie and say he didn’t like it.

“We’re going to get picked on,” she told him, walking over to take the red bow out of his hands and slipped it around Sorel’s head.

“You have met my older brother, you know I’m used to it,” he smiled. “If you want me to change, I’ll go put on the grey sweater, but I thought this one was more festive.”

Tess sighed and looked him over. The jeans were snug to his thighs and the sweater was tight around his shoulders and arms but still loose enough to look cozy. He looked good. “It is a nice colour on you,” she resigned. “I won’t make you change, but I am going to change Ellie into something more festive.”

Anthony furrowed his brows. “How can it be more festive than a onesie that says ‘my first Thanksgiving’?” He asked as he followed Tess into Sorel’s room.

“Okay, maybe not festive, but fashionable,” she corrected herself, putting Sorel down on the change table and Anthony watched her as Tess went through her closet, momentarily hoping that she’d find a way to match Sorel to them before she pulled out an orange overall dress, and a red shirt and tights.

“I thought it would be nice to put her in the outfit they gifted since they were kind enough to invite us,” Anthony explained, stepping aside so Tess could dress her.

She shrugged, “yeah, but this is cuter.” Anthony shook his head, but couldn’t hide his smile, and Sorel had the same smile as she looked up at Tess. “Can you get me the Ugg’s?” She asked and Anthony hummed as he grabbed them out of the closet.

Tess finished the outfit with the same red bow Anthony picked out before picking her up and settling her on her hip. “Better, right, Ellie?” She smiled, kissing the top of Sorel’s head, making her laugh, a sound that warmed both of their chests.

“We ready to go now?” He asked and Tess nodded.

She put on Sorel in her jacket and carrier before putting her own on and Anthony grabbed the diaper bag and the bag with the wine before putting his jacket on. After putting on their shoes, they made their way down to the car.

It took a little longer to get to her parents’ because there was more traffic as everyone was heading to their Thanksgiving plans, but it wasn’t awful.

Anthony, thankfully, found a spot on the street not too far from the house and Tess grabbed the wine while he grabbed Sorel’s carrier and they made their way up to the house.

“Hey! We’re here!” Tess called as she opened the door and Anthony closed it behind him.

To no surprise, everyone was in the kitchen, so after taking their shoes off and hanging their coats up, that’s where they went. “Smells amazing,” Tess commented as she stepped into the kitchen and put the wine on the table.

Emma looked up from where she was peeling potatoes and laughed immediately. “How cute, matching with your boyfriend,” she said with a smirk, knowing damn well they weren’t together.

The word gave Anthony butterflies and the corner of his lip twitched up as he looked at Tess. He had to admit, being Tess’s boyfriend had a nice ring to it.

But Tess didn’t look back at him as she rolled her eyes at her sister. “I told you one of us should have changed,” she mumbled before turning her attention to her sister. “We didn’t plan this. And for the last time, we’re just friends,” she told Emma, and just like that, his warm fuzzy feeling was gone.

It didn’t matter how much he liked being called her boyfriend; he wasn’t and she didn’t want him to be.

“I asked her if she wanted me to change, but here we are,” he said with a forced smile.

“Uh huh,” Emma hummed before turning back to her potatoes and Tess grabbed another peeler out of the drawer to help.

Sorel smiled as soon as she saw Lisa, and once Lisa finished checking the turkey, she came over to see Sorel. She held her arms out to take her, and Anthony passed her over with a smile. “Thank you for having us,” he told her.

“No worries, you and this little one are always welcome,” she told him.

His smile softened as he glanced around the kitchen. Tess knocked shoulders with her sister, the matching outfit, Sorel in Lisa’s arms, the extra chair pulled up to the table.

For a moment, it was easy to pretend.

He could pretend that they were together and that they would do this every year.

But, he only gave himself a moment before he shook the thought from his head, an emptiness settling in his chest before he looked back at Lisa. “We brought some wine for dinner, but what can I do to help?” He asked.

“Oh, thank you,” she replied, not looking up from Sorel. “But you’re a guest, so you can just take a seat and look pretty.”

Anthony blushed but shook his head. “C’mon, what do you need help with? Chopping?”

“It’s all under control,” she told him in her mom voice. “Just sit down.” Anthony made a soft noise of disagreement, but Lisa was firm that they didn’t need his help. And plus, “you have a baby to look after,” she said when she handed Sorel back to him.

He still hated sitting around doing nothing.

Especially because doing nothing gave him more time to think and that really seemed to be with archnemeses these days.

He couldn’t take his eyes off Tess. He watched how she laughed with Emma and how she could stand her own against her little brothers and how comfortable she was in a big family. He couldn’t stop smiling when she smiled or when she laughed, even if he couldn’t make out what she and Emma were talking about.

Once again, he thought about his dream, he thought about that dream every single day it seemed, and it was too easy for him to picture this as their future. The coming here to spend Thanksgiving, eventually the three of them being four or even five. He thought about seeing Tess with a swollen belly and he just knew that she’d glow. He thought about how it would be her sitting down watching the kids to keep the weight off her feet and he could help peel the potatoes while stealing a couple kisses every now and then. He thought—

“Beau?” Tess said, glancing over at him, snapping him out of his thoughts.

“Hmm?” He hummed as he looked back at her, hoping that she couldn’t see the mess happening in his mind.

“Are you okay? You spaced out there,” she said, her brow furrowing with concern.

“Yeah,” he told her. “Just smells really good.” It was a bullshit answer and he knew it and Tess knew it. She held his gaze for another moment before deciding to let it go, her heart stinging just a little more since he wouldn’t let her in. They told each other everything, or so she thought. The last few weeks… She didn’t know what to think, but she could only push it so much. So, she turned back to help her mom with anything that needed to be done to busy her mind.

To no surprise, the last thing done was the turkey.

After settling Sorel in her highchair, Anthony helped Tess set the table while they waited, following behind her to put the cutlery and napkins down after she set the plates before they got the glasses and Anthony went back to get a couple wine glasses.

The twins were already sitting at the table, so after helping Emma carry the mashed potatoes, steamed veggies, stuffed mushrooms, bowl of buns, and cranberry sauce, he sat down next to Sorel.

Once the turkey was done, Lisa started the gravy from the drippings. It didn’t take long to make and she asked Tess to get the gravy boat down while she whisked it together.

“Yeah, of course,” Tess nodded and moved around the table towards the furthest cupboard. They only used it once or twice a year so it had been relegated to the top shelf on the furthest cupboard to be out of the way.

Anthony followed her with his eyes as she opened the cupboard and reached up for it. Her sweater rode up as she reached and went onto her tippy toes, and Anthony really didn’t mean it but his eyes dipped to her ass.

Her jeans fit her perfectly, molding to the curve of her ass and bit his lower lip as he wondered what her a—

“I think you should help her,” Emma said, snapping him out of his trance. Anthony tried to hide his blush as he cleared his throat and nodded before getting up, missing the sparkle in Emma’s eyes.

“Let me,” he said softly as he came up behind her. Tess sighed and went to move out of the way, but Anthony just reached over her making her breath catch in her throat at the feeling of him pressed against her back. He tried not to think about how her ass was pressed into the front of his jeans as he grabbed the gravy boat and took a step back before walking over to the stove and setting it down next to Lisa, missing the red that dusted Tess’s cheeks.

“Thank you,” she said.

“No problem,” he smiled before sitting back down. Lisa whisked for another few moments before she was happy with it and poured it into the gravy boat and brought it over to the table.

Tess needed a moment to will her blush away and remember how to breathe before she reached for the wine. She poured herself a glass of Pinot Noir before asking Anthony if he wanted one, and after getting caught staring at her ass by her little sister, yeah, he needed one. When he nodded, she poured him a glass, and she poured her mom and Emma a glass as well before sitting down next to him, but she couldn’t look at him, the feeling of him against her back still fresh in her mind.

“Oh, the butter,” Lisa whispered to herself and grabbed the butter off the counter before taking her spot at the head of the table.

She carved the turkey, and everyone served themselves as everything was passed around the table. Anthony started with a little bit of everything, and he scooped some potatoes and cut up a piece of turkey and some carrots into bite sized pieces for Sorel.

“Before we dig in, let’s say what we’re thankful for, yeah?” Lisa asked, making the twins groan and she gave them a pointed look. “I’ll start, I’m thankful for my wonderful family.”

“That’s cheesy, mom,” Lucas scoffed and Lisa reached over to ruffle his hair.

“It’s not cheesy when it’s true. Now, your turn.”

Lucas took a deep breath as he thought about it. “I’m thankful for my PlayStation,” he settled on. Lisa shook her head but looked over to James, going around the table.

“I’m thankful I didn’t bomb our latest math test,” he said immediately.

“Can really count on you guys for the deep answers…” Lisa said, shaking her head. “Em?”

Emma didn’t have to think about it. “I’m thankful we’re all healthy,” she said with a smile.

Maya was next and she thought about it for a moment. “I’m thankful we get to have this meal,” she said.

Tess nodded. “I’m also thankful for family,” she said, glancing over to Anthony and Sorel before the rest of the table.

Her words pulled at his heart and he had to swallow it down before he said, “I’m thankful for you.” Tess had to look away as her chest tightened. “It’s true,” he whispered, still looking at her. “I wouldn’t have been able to do it without you.”

Tess made a soft noise in her throat before she looked back at him. “I’m thankful for you, too,” she whispered before reaching for her wine and taking a drink to swallow back the ache in her chest and she hoped no one noticed the slight shake to her hand.

Lisa cleared her throat, pulling Anthony’s attention away from Tess as he looked over to Lisa. “Okay, thank you for sharing. Dig in everyone,” she said with a smile.

Anthony nodded and took a deep breath before busying himself with shoveling as much onto his fork as possible to distract himself from Tess’s reaction and he hoped he didn’t reveal too much.

“Oh my God,” Anthony said after his first bite. “You are an incredible cook.”

“Thank you,” Lisa laughed. “You kinda learn to be when you have five kids.”

Anthony laughed with her and had to give everything a try, telling her again how amazing everything was, making Tess shake her head, before he set his fork down to feed Sorel, who had already sampled a piece of carrot.

Anthony helped Sorel with a couple bites before realizing he never made her any formula. “Oh fu—udge,” he caught himself, glancing over at the twins. “I didn’t make any formula.”

“Oh, I got it,” Tess said, wiping her mouth with her napkin before getting up before Anthony could protest. She had pre-measured formula into a couple bottles, so it was easy to make it. “Here, baby,” she smiled and helped Sorel hold her bottle while she drank, and once Sorel was done, she set it down on the tray of her highchair and sat down, ignoring the look from her sister.

Anthony rotated between taking a bite and feeding Sorel, and dinner was great.

He helped clear the table afterwards, and he insisted on washing everything that didn’t fit in the dishwasher. “I’ll dry,” Emma volunteered before Tess could. “You know, so you can stay with Ellie,” she told her sister.

Emma didn’t say anything while they were doing dishes, but she didn’t have to either, and Anthony hoped his thoughts weren’t loud enough for her to hear, too.

“You know,” Emma finally said after he finished washing the last pot. “Blue’s more your colour.”

Anthony opened and closed his mouth before he nodded. “I’ll keep that in mind,” he said softly before carefully making his way into the living room where everyone was watching a game.

Sorel was on Tess’s lap and they seemed way more interested in each other than the football game on the TV. Anthony lingered in the entry as he looked at them before he finally got the courage to walk over and sit down next to them, Sorel smiling as soon as she saw him.

“Is that daddy?” Tess asked her with a smile. “Wanna see daddy?”

Anthony’s smile widened as he took her from Tess and she reached out to grab his nose, making both of them laugh. Anthony met Tess’s eyes over Sorel’s head and his smile soften. This. This is how it was supposed to be.

Sorel grabbed his nose again, pulling his attention away from Tess and he didn’t dare look back at her, too afraid of blowing his cover.

They stayed to watch the end of the game, not that he knew who won. They were quiet as they got ready to leave and Anthony strapped Sorel into her carrier before putting his jacket on.

“Here,” Lisa said, handing him a couple Tupperware containers of leftovers.

“Oh, thank you,” he smiled.

“No problem,” Lisa replied. “Just make sure you beat the Pens tomorrow.”

Anthony ignored the twisting of his stomach as he forced a laugh. Considering the way he had been playing recently, that would be easier said than done, but he still agreed. “You have yourself a deal.”

“Good,” Lisa nodded. “Drive safely and have a good night.”

“You too,” he replied and let her pull him in for a hug, hugging her back with the hand that wasn’t holding the leftovers. When she pulled back, Tess quickly took his spot, holding her mom tightly as they said their goodbyes.

--

They did end up beating the Penguins, not that Anthony helped.

The day after the game they left on their last road trip of November. It was only a two game trip, but Anthony dreaded it, though not for his usual reason. Sure, he still hated leaving Sorel, but this time he really dreaded leaving Tess.

Sure, it was annoying that he physically couldn’t think about anything but her all the time, but he didn’t want to be away from her. All he wanted was her, and if he couldn’t have her, at least he could be with her and see her smile and smell the vanilla of her bodywash or even the weirdly comforting smell of her curl cream. But he only got a cold, empty hotel room on the road that was way too quiet, giving him all the time in the world to overthink every possible thing.

He kept to himself as he got on the plane and he tucked himself away in a window seat and pulled his headphones out as he prepared for takeoff. There was enough room that no one had to sit with him and he hoped that would be the case, but, of course, Anders sat down next to him and Anthony had to take a deep breath as he rested his head against the window. Great.

Anders waited until they were in the air before he spoke. “How are you doing? Have a good Thanksgiving?” He asked.

“Yeah, we had dinner with Tess’s family,” he said softly.

“That sounds nice. Enjoy yourself?” Anders asked.

“Yep,” he replied, popping the ‘p’ before looking over at his captain. “Go ahead, give me your captain talk about needing to be better.”

Anders gave him a small shrug. “I just want to know how you’re doing and if there’s anything you wanted to talk about,” he said softly.

Yes.

“No,” he said.

Anders has been with Grace for a long time, since college actually. There was so much he wanted to get advice on, so much he wanted to just say because it was hard keeping it in. But once he said it out loud… So, he kept his mouth clamped shut. He couldn’t let himself go there. He couldn’t.

“You sure?” Anders asked, sensing his indecision.

“Yeah,” he sighed and looked back out the window.

It was Anders’ turn to sigh, but he didn’t push it as he fished his phone out. Much to Anthony’s displeasure, Anders sat next to him the whole trip, just in case he wanted to say anything.

Once they landed in Vegas and got settled in the hotel, the guys got ready to get some dinner. Dinner on the strip was something basically everyone in the league looked forward to, but Anthony didn’t have it in him.

“You sure?” Marty asked him when he said he was going to stay in.

“Yeah,” Anthony sighed. “Feeling tired. I’ll just ordered some room service or something.”

“I mean, your loss,” Marty shrugged before going to meet up with the rest of the guys in the lobby.

Anthony closed the door and his hotel room seemed quieter than before. He groaned to himself before pulling his phone out to see if he had any new messages from Tess, his heart dropping only a little when he didn’t.

It was past Sorel’s bedtime, so he really didn’t have a reason to call, so he had to settle for sending her a text, and, if he did nothing but stare at his phone screen waiting for her to reply, well, good thing no one had to know.

He did eventually end up ordering room service, and he knew it was nothing compared to what he could have gotten with the guys, but somehow that seemed like fitting punishment for himself.

He flipped through the channels after dinner, but nothing piqued his interest so he settled on just going to bed early. It was midnight in New York anyways and he could use the sleep before the game.

Except that sleeping was so much easier said than done.

Despite being November, it was still warm, and his room smelt like a hotel room and his bed wasn’t his bed and Tess wasn’t there.

It didn’t matter how hard he tried to sleep, he couldn’t turn his brain off. All he could do is think. Think about Sorel and Tess and his feelings for Tess and his shitty play and how fucking scared he was. He was terrified that he was going to ruin their friendship, terrified that even if he never said a word that she’d still find out and leave him, that Sorel was going to lose another mother, that Tess was going to fall in love with someone that wasn’t him, that if he didn’t find his game that he was going to be traded at the deadline.

It gnawed at him and no matter how hard to tried to stop it, he couldn’t turn his brain off.

His chest was tight and his skin felt like it was crawling and he just—

He rolled onto his stomach and groaned into his pillow before turning over to check the time. 1:03AM stared back at him in bright red numbers.

“I can’t do this,” he whispered to himself before he threw the blankets off. He pulled on some sweats and a t-shirt before grabbing his room key off the dresser, slipping his shoes on and walking out the door. He didn’t know where he was going, but he knew he needed to clear his head.

He did his best to walk quietly as he wandered around the different floors, but it didn’t help, and whether it had been ten minutes or an hour, it didn’t matter as he ended up back on the Isles floor. Except, rather than carrying him to his room, his feet led him to Mat’s.

“You look at Tess the same way I catch Mathew looking at me,” Connor had said Halloween night.

“It’s true,” Mat had added.“You look at Tessa with complete heart eyes.”

The memory flickered in the front of Anthony’s mind as he stared at the door before shaking his head.

Mat knew.

But Mat couldn’t know because he only just knew.

Anthony paced the hall outside Mat’s room for several long minutes before he finally got the courage to knock on the door.

It took a few moments for Mat too open the door considering he was comfortably under the covers asleep until Anthony’s knock woke him, and when he finally did answer the door, he was only in his underwear and his hair was a mess.

“You good, bro?” He asked with a furrowed brow. It was very unlike Anthony to show up at his door in the middle of the night and he may be half asleep but he could feel the anxiety rolling off Anthony in waves. Honestly, he had since they got back from their last roadie.

“I love Tess,” Anthony blurted out.

Mat didn’t react, “yeah, I know?” Anthony sighed and pushed his way into the room, and Mat mumbled a “sure, come on it, it’s fine, definitely not the middle of the night” under his breath before closing the door and following Anthony into his hotel room.

“No,” Anthony said as he sat on the bed that was still made and wrung his hands. “Like, I’m in love with Tess.”

“Again, I know,” Mat told him, sitting across from him on the other bed.

“What do you mean you know?” Anthony asked, looking up at him confused.

Mat rolled his eyes, “dude, we all know. Honestly, took you long enough to get there.”

“How?” Anthony asked breathlessly. How on earth could they know before he did?

Mat gave him a small smile. “I always knew you liked her, dude. But I knew you loved her the first time I came by after you brought Sorel home. Tess was holding her and you looked at her like she was for your whole world.”

Anthony blushed and the corner of his lip twitched up as he thought back to that day. Those first few days were so chaotic—so much of it a blur, but he could remember that day, Mat’s reaction made sure of it.

“Um,” Mat had said slowly, his body tense and his eyes locked on Sorel in Tess’s arms. “When did you have a baby, Tessa?”

“I didn’t,” Tess had said, looking over Mat’s shoulder at him.

“She’s mine,” he had whispered from behind Mat, making Mat turn sharply, his eyes nearly bugging out of his head.

“When did you have a baby?!” Mat had shouted. “I go to fucking Sunrise for three days…”

He had to think a little harder to remember what Mat was talking about. Had he really looked at Tess like that that long ago?

“If Tessa wasn’t here, I don’t think I could do it.”

Anthony could remember saying that. He could remember looking to Tess and he could remember the soft, tired smile Tess had returned him.

“I’m glad you have someone looking out for you,” Mat had said, and Anthony couldn’t have agreed more.

“Yeah,” he had whispered. “Me too.”

Mat watched Anthony with careful eyes before he took a deep breath. “She loves you, too, you knew,” he told Anthony and he couldn’t place the strangled sound that left Anthony’s lips. “She does,” Mat repeated.

“She doesn’t,” Anthony replied quickly. There was no way she could like him back let alone love him.

“She does,” Mat repeated, his voice firm. “She wouldn’t be living with you right now if she didn’t.”

“She—” Anthony started but Mat shook his head.

“I’m older so just shut the fuck up and listen to me,” Mat cut him off. “I’m in love with Connor, and I’m forever lucky she loves me back, but because of that I know what it looks like when the girl loves you back, okay? You can see it in the way Tess looks at you when she thinks you aren’t looking.”

Anthony rolled his eyes and Mat sighed before he continued, “Tess chose to move in with you and Sorel. Tess went with you to Quebec and spent the whole summer with your family. She could have done anything for Halloween and she chose a couple’s costume that you had to be shirtless for, bro. I know she likes you, but I’d legitimately bet my paycheck that she loves you back.”

He shrugged, Mat’s words somehow making him feel worse than before.

He didn’t know what he wanted when he came to Mat, but now he wished that Mat had told him to get over it or that he didn’t actually love Tess. This… This made it messier. One sided he could live with, but hope? That would eat away at him every day until he couldn’t take it anymore.

“You need to tell her,” Mat told him and Anthony breathed a laugh.

“No,” he shook his head. “I can’t. I can’t risk what we have.”

Mat ran a hand over his face with a groan. “Did you hear nothing I just said? You’re not going to ruin anything! You’ll tell her and she’ll be all “Beau, I love you too” and then you’ll kiss her and you’ll all live happily ever after.”

“That only happens in movies,” Anthony sighed. “Chances are that it’ll go bad and I can’t lose her, Mat. I can’t. And more than that, Sorel can’t lose her. She’s the only mom she knows.”

Mat sighed, wishing his friend wasn’t so fucking dense. It was really way too late to be having this conversation when he couldn’t get through to Anthony and they had to play the next day. “I know Tess, okay?” Mat said slowly. “She isn’t going to leave either of you, I promise.”

Anthony ran his hand through his hair and was quiet for a long moment.

Tess…

They were a family and he couldn’t do anything to jeopardize that.

But he wanted more. He loved Tess and just the thought that she could feel the same had his stomach doing flips.

He wanted to kiss Tess goodnight and good morning, hold her in his arms, have her be the first thing he saw when he woke up and the last thing before he fell asleep. He wanted to take her out and spoil her and dance to no music while they make breakfast on Sunday mornings. He… He wanted Sorel’s parents to be together. He wanted it all and it scared the living hell out of him.

But no matter how much he wanted it, he couldn’t believe that what Mat was saying was true.

Finally, he spoke. “I can’t,” Anthony whispered. “I just can’t.”

“Beau—” Mat tried but he shook his head.

“I love her so much that losing her would kill me. I didn’t even know I could love anyone other than Sorel this much, but I do,” he cut Mat off before taking a deep breath. “It feels like I’m the only forward out on a five on three on the road and the crowd is screaming so loud I can’t think about what my next move should be or how to react to their play because I’ve already been out there a minute and I’m dead tired and my legs won’t move the way I want them to and it’s just so overwhelming.”

It was Mat’s turn to be quiet as he looked at Anthony. He had never been a penalty killer, but he still knew what Anthony was talking about. He knew how intimidating and all consuming falling in love was. And he knew how completely terrifying the thought of losing that person was.

“Think about, okay?” Mat settled on. “Just think about it.”

Anthony gave him a one shoulder shrug. “Trust me. It’s all I’ve been thinking about.” Mat’s lips twitched to a frown, but before he could say anything else, Anthony sighed. “Anyways,” he said, running his hand through his hair. “I shouldn’t have bothered you. The team can’t afford both of us playing like shit so you need to sleep.”

“Wait, is that why you’ve been playing the way you are?” Mat asked.

“No, I’m purposefully sabotaging my career,” Anthony rolled his eyes.

“Beau…” Mat whispered.

“I know, okay? I’ve been getting an earful from Trotz and Anders and my dad and while she doesn’t say it, I can see it in Tess’s eyes too. I just haven’t been able to focus on anything but her.”

Mat was quiet for a moment. He knew exactly what that felt like. “I think you’d play better if you told her how you felt,” he told Anthony.

“Mat,” his voice was sharp. “I’m not going to tell her so just drop it. I shouldn’t have come here in the first place, fuck.”

“Beau—” Mat started, but Anthony waved his hand in his direction as he got up and made his way to the door and slipped out.

He ran his hand over his face as he leaned back against Mat’s door.

Nothing good, Anthony decided, came from talking about your feelings.

He forced a deep breath into his lungs and walked down the hall to his room. He worked on autopilot as he unlocked his door and kicked his shoes off. He stripped down to his underwear before crawling into bed and pressed one of the pillows over his face.

Whoever said falling love was the best feeling in the world was a fucking liar.  

[indiobotod-blog]

ALABOD, PAASA (ALAy kay BOb Dylan, PAsAring SA iyo) ____________________ I was rereading 'Tarantula' by Bob Dylan accompanied by @uddph 's 'Anino' blastin' in my headset when the eureka moment for this zine happened. Broken hearted ako for several months na and I need one final mega release until I let go so ALABOD, PAASA (ALAy kay BOb Dylan, PAsAring SA iyo) was born. From the write ups, to the comic strips pati yung illustrations (lahat mukha niya) are my way of sealing the deal of letting go. The next morning after conceptualizing the whole thing, hilamos at toothbrush lang ang nagawa ko at lumaklak ng puro kape the whole day, I took my brushes, bottle of Indian ink & paper at dere-deretso sa paglikha. A week after nun, pagkaprint sa YZA nung mga kopya naiyak ako. Napainom ako not to wallow on my sorrow but to celebrate dahil ramdam ko na malaya na ulit ang puso, isip, kaluluwa, at laman loob ko na magmahal. Damn. Never felt so good. Magbibinch watch ako ulit ng Queer Eye o di kaya maglalakwatsa sa kalye ng escolta o chino roces para mag-inARTe o abangan ang pagbabalik ng pusa kong si Caesar mula sa mga di mabilang niyang paglalakbay and the list is long. Sa mga tumangkilik ng ALABOD, PAASA, #hugot bible/koran/torah/shruti/tripitaka ko yan. Salamat. ✊🌈🎨👭 #GantalaPress #CulturalCenterofthePhilippines #AllWomenZineFair #GandangGandaSaSarilingGawa2 #GandangGandaSaSarilingGawa #ZineFair #ArtFair #artshow #artph #manilaart #asianart #asianartist #art #artwork #zine #print #illustration #zineart #design #visualarts #wheninmanila #conceptualart #contemporaryart #asia #southeastasia (at Manila, Philippines) https://www.instagram.com/p/BvG_2O4BG_6/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1f0ybczskejpd

[ishikawayukis]

Hi belle! Do you happen to listen to any Spanish-speaking podcasts or watch any Spanish-speaking YouTube channels you'd recommend? The group we made to practice fell through so I think it's on me to practice on my own haha

Also! I've been loving your sungjae/hyunsik countdown gifs!! They're a nice walk down memory lane and a great way to get hyped about their return. Also I've had a good time laughing at your tags about your crush on sungjae (you have great taste ofc ofc) and how helpless you are in front of it. And I hope your little Halloween thing with your friend goes/went well!!! -spanish learning anon

my sister watches this one called leyendas legendarias that she loves! it's also a mexican one so accent wise it's easier to understand, because my other brother listens to a chilean one but like, unless you're very familiar with the lingo it's hard to understand LMAO. and i don't watch any youtube channels i'm sorry :( and noo why did they group fell through?

aaah i'm glad! i'm honestly been doing it mainly for me because it's just an excuse to gif them hehe but i'm really glad more people are enjoying it too not gonna lie!

and oh man the tags that i write here are not even half of it i have it Bad bad, yza knows how bad it is LMAO

and thank you!! it's gonna be really fun hopefully and i even might go and buy some candies in case any kids pass by who knows

[redorblue]

The Terranauts, by T. C. Boyle

There’s this one thing that I always found incredibly annoying about English books, and that German books thankfully don’t have (yet). I hate the bunch of review snippets all over the cover so. much. It screws up the cover design, it can get pretty crowded if the publishing house was really proud of this book, and it tells you absolutely nothing. Same thing on the backside: I’ve seen books that have three lines of quote from inside the book, and six quotes from reviews gushing about it. How is that supposed to help me, or make me buy it? Last time I looked, most people still buy books because they think the story or the setup is intriguing, or because they like the author, not because Person X, Author of YZA, said it’s a “triumph of the imagination”. German books don’t do that. German books have the author and the name of the book on the cover, nicely integrated into the cover art, and a synopsis and maybe a short quote on the back. Orderly. Informative. Very German, probably.

But I digress. The reason I got into this was my most recent read, The Terranauts, and not only did I find it terrible, I also have no idea which book those reviewers from the Guardian, the Times etc. read - I find it hard to believe it was the same I did. So let’s try something else and use those incredibly unhelpful literary critics to structure what I did not like about this book.

1. “Excruciatingly funny” - Times Literary Supplement

This one is the easiest: I have no idea what they are talking about. If this book was so funny, it wouldn’t have been too much to expect to laugh at least once, right? Well, I didn’t. I also didn’t chuckle, snort, giggle, smile or even lift one corner of my mouth in amusement. Because in my not so humble opinion, this book is not funny. Unless I’m supposed to laugh about this one guy lusting after whichever woman has the longest legs in the room, about this woman who falls for him nonetheless and keeps lying to herself about his shittiness, or her so-called “best friend” who takes a trip to Mexico and promptly gets diarrhea. Yeah, very funny. Not everybody has the same sense of humour and all that, but I think someone who can laugh about such things has a rather questionable one.

2. “Lord of the Flies meets Hunger Games” -  The Times

With this one I at least get why they came to that conclusion. The story is the fictional continuation of a real-life experiment conducted some time in the 90s where eight people - four men, four women - were locked into a glass dome with a self-sustaining ecosystem inside, and basically told to see how many were still walking after two years. The first, real group broke closure (= was interrupted) after a few months because of a medical emergency, which is why the fictional second group is all the more fanatic determined to not open the airlock for the full two years, whatever happens. While they’re in there farming and supposedly conducting scientific experiments (although you never learn what it is exactly they’re testing, so if you want hard science, stay away), they get media coverage from all over the US (about what, one might ask... Must have been one hell of a silly season to send reports about people milking goats... Checking humidity... catching fish... Unheard of, right?).

So yeah, I can see where that one came from: a bunch of people locked in together at close quarters, becoming increasingly hateful towards each other = Lord of the Flies. Doing it all for the media coverage, completely with donations and the participants as celebrities and merchandise = The Hunger Games. Never mind that neither the characters from Lord of the Flies nor the candidates in the Hunger Games were there willingly, whereas in this book going under the glass with seven people you already can’t stand before you even go in, slowly starving yourself, slowly asphyxiating in the winter months, without pay or plan what to do afterwards, is somehow presented as being incredibly desirable (Really, the only lucid part this book has is when the characters call this enterprise a cult, or deny it being a cult - hey, at least they said the word, and self-denial is a serious Thing among all the characters). But okay, if you say so. The thing is, in my opinions it falls short in both comparisons.

I have to admit, I’ve never read Lord of the Flies, only watched the movie, and you shouldn’t judge a book by its adaptation. But I remember that (besides the survival part) it’s about group dynamics, how groups organize under pressure, how new leaders establish new orders, and the violence that ensues. Now I’m definitely not one of those people who need a body count to enjoy a book, but this one, I have to admit, was too... tame? for me to be credible. The highest tensions ever rose was a fistfight between two characters after almost two years of being locked in, when they were half starved already and there was barely any oxygen left in the air. Sure, the rest of the time they were constantly badmouthing each other, and venomous when they had to talk about something - but really, that’s your climax, your crisis? I already mentioned that most of the crew members didn’t like each other to begin with, and of course that didn’t get better over the course of the book, but it feels a bit lame to have your characters constantly emphasize how much they hate each other (and one even threatening to kill anyone who jeopardizes the mission! Talk about a Chekov’s gun that just... never went off I guess?), and then presenting a few punches as The Worst It Can Get. Let alone not resolving anything after they finally get out. Most of the crew just disappear into thin air, which is fitting because they weren’t much more than thin air with a name tag during the entire book, and the POVs just... get on with their lives I guess. The ending really feels a bit like the author just ran out of pages, and not in the good, open-ending kind of way. There is no resolution, no discernible character arc, no epiphany, nothing. It just ends. So take this as a vivid example of how structuring does NOT work.

As for the comparison with The Hunger Games... First of all, there’s the same problem of being too tame. The Hunger Games works partly (!!) because it’s suspenseful, what with fighting and hunting and figuring stuff out and action scenes in general. The Terranauts doesn’t have anything of the sort: no secret plots to unveil, no rivals to kill (and the moral dilemma that comes with it), very little, very drawn out struggle for survival... Again, I don’t need any of this to like a book, I can do without action, but it’s the Times that made the comparison, and I’m sorry but I think The Terranauts falls short. By a mile or so. Another thing that made The Hunger Games so interesting is the role the media plays: How the games are basically just entertainment for the rich, how public images are constructed and why, how public opinion and public sentiment is influenced etc. The Hunger Games were honest about how it’s all “just” for show. The Terranauts, however, tried to keep up its pretense of being oh so scientific, while the only thing that ever gets any screentime is not experiments or hard facts, but photo ops and interviews and presentations. Which would be fine if the book ever properly dealt with the fact that it was all just a huge media stunt. But it doesn’t, it never talks about the implications of the experiment being a big, expensive reality show, it never grants its characters a moment of epiphany or a personal crisis with regards to their sacrifices not being for science and the survival of the human race, but for money and money alone. The closest the characters ever get to realizing this and instrumentalizing it is when some of them threaten the CEO to talk to the press, but none of them ever go through with it (and there’s no reason why they wouldn’t besides this ominous cult mentality thing, because some of them have been treated really badly). Not even the crew member whose responsibility is PR management ever really tries to create a public image of himself that he can use to get what he wants and influence public opinion to the disadvantage of disliked crew mates or some such. It all feels very half-baked, and that from an author who’s famous for writing real adult novels. Talk about how naive and shallow YA novels are.

3. “Heartbreakingly human” - The Guardian

God... I hope not. I think not. If this set of characters is supposed to provide us with a sample of human experiences and emotions, then it’s really time to pack my bags and go be a hermit somewhere. Also, everyone is white, with the exception of one Asian person, who coincidentally is also the only woman who is consistently described as being fat and plain and kinky-haired (fat and kinky-haired being used as decidedly denigrating terms here - god this book has so many issues). And a terrible person, but that’s true for everyone. There are two minor characters who seem to be alright, the crew physician and the crew leader, but every non-POV character is basically just walking cardboard with maybe one or two traits each (for some reason I absolutely can’t fathom, bitchy, scheming and promiscuous come to mind for every single female character). Besides that there are three POVs: one man inside, one woman inside, and one woman outside (the Asian one). They all have some common character traits: they’re hateful, spiteful, lying, scheming, unreflected, self-serving, egocentric assholes. But besides those lovely common traits, they have some others that make them loathsome in their very own way, and I can’t shake the feeling that the author took a lot of inspiration from some nasty gender stereotypes. (warning: from here on it gets spoilery)

Let’s start with the guy, Ramsay. He’s sex-obsessed in a way that he can’t form any coherent thought as soon as a pair of shapely legs and boobs with a woman attached enters the room. He’s incapable of fidelity, love, loyalty and commitment, although he constantly claims otherwise. Let me give you a few examples of his awfulness: After he breaks up with one of his crewmates (after maybe forcing himself on her? It’s not made clear. How can that not be clear.), he constantly complains how ugly and old and generally repulsive she is. That’s the only thing he has to say about her. He then starts an affair with another crewmate, and when she becomes pregnant, he blames it all on her for deceiving him and being irrational because she didn’t want to screw up her body with artificial hormones every day which apparently is to be expected from every woman. He then pressures her to have an abortion. She refuses, and he constantly thinks about how gross she is the further the pregnancy progresses. After the baby is born, he doesn’t help her whatsoever, and first chance he gets, he takes off on her although he has promised her otherwise. To top it all off, he restarts his affair with a woman from the outside crew about whom we only learn that she’s a snake with nice legs, while he’s still married to the mother of his child. I don’t think I need to add anything to that. The amount of misogyny, sexism, and patriarchal stereotypes about men as mindless sex machines (plus the corresponding view on women) all compressed into one character is baffling.

For the women there’s a bit more variation, but it doesn’t get any less nasty. Woman No. 1, Dawn, is the long-legged, full-breasted redhead beauty who gets one of the few spots inside the experiment and takes over responsibility for growing food in the fields and tending to the farmyard animals. She then gets together with Ramsay, gets pregnant and decides to carry the child against all common sense, considering that the experiment can barely produce enough calories for eight people, let alone nine, and is definitely not able to provide for the special needs of a pregnant woman or a newborn child. After Dawn’s two years are officially over, she refuses to leave the glass dome and decides to stay inside because she feels so close to nature inside, or something like that. Notice the symbolism at work here? The stereotype presented here is that of Mother Earth, fertile, providing, one with nature itself. It’s quite fitting that Dawn’s nickname, chosen by her fellow participants, is Eos (which literally means dawn). Both her names fit very well into this whole mantra that the organizers of the experiment have: to start anew, create a better world, one that sustains itself and doesn’t exploit resources but is fertile enough to to live independently (which, I’m sorry, is just not true. They rely on the local power plant to keep their ideal environment stable, they receive knowledge from the outside world, and after the two years the dome is in need of a thorough restocking because the crew killed all the farm animals and ate all the seed stocks because they were hungry.) Dawn is the archetypal woman, the one who nourishes others and gives life, is loving, beautiful and monogamous, but she also displays some negative traits that have been historically associated with women: She’s naive to the point that she doesn’t notice any negative feelings Ramsay has towards her; she’s self absorbed, like when she decides to go through with the pregnancy at the risk of the others starving; and she’s emotional in a way that’s constantly pointed out to be annoying and exaggerated (they call it weepy).

The other female POV, Linda, is presented as her foil. She’s also the only PoC character, which makes her negative portrayal doubly problematic, especially since she seems to stand in for two ethnicities: Asian (because of her Korean ancestry) and black (because of her kinky hair). We keep being told that Linda and Dawn are best friends, but there’s really no evidence in the text to support that since they’re constantly bitter, false and patronizing towards the other, in their thoughts and in their actions. Also, they mainly seem to talk about the men in their lives with each other, with Dawn as the one who has a way with men and Linda as the jealous, Fat Ugly Friend^TM. So yeah, great portrayal of a friendship between two women, since obviously men is the only thing we ever talk and care about. But besides being presented as an overall terrible person - false, needy, deceiving, the archetypal snake to Dawn’s Eve* - Linda herself also constantly emphasizes that she’s overweight and not conventionally attractive, which in her interior monologue tied together with her lack of success with men - and her race. The only valid point this book makes is that it damages your career and possibly your romantic chances, especially as the only PoC in an all-white environment. But since this point is filtered through the perspective of a character whose interior monologue is filled with constant nagging and delusions, it’s incredibly easy not to take it seriously and dismiss it as another figment of Linda’s imagination. This may not be racist in and of itself, although it definitely comes across as mocking racial awareness, but it sure starts to look like the real thing once you take all the negative comments into account that Linda makes about all her physical features that make her distinctly non-white. It also ties neatly into yet another issue this book has: body-shaming. Surprisingly (or not), this also mainly concerns the female characters and is filtered almost exclusively through the way men react to them. I got so, so tired reading about how Linda, the fat and ugly one, tries to get men to sleep with her (unsuccessfully, unless they are old and gross), while the thin, pretty women like Dawn have an entire parade of admirers (and successful careers). Also notice how personality doesn’t play any role at all in both women’s romantic success? That’s because women’s personalities don’t matter, simple as that. And it’s probably better that way, since they’re all naive and clingy or dishonest and needy anyway - in addition to being mean, which is something all characters in this book share.

The thing is, with books like this one that are just horrible with regards to sexism, racism, body-shaming and a whole host of other things, I always wonder how that happened. I don’t want to condemn the authors for all those things without having read some of their other books (which I generally don’t, because I value my time) or doing a thorough check on them (which I generally don’t do either, because I’m lazy. But I can’t help but ask myself whether these are the author’s actual views. Other options would include a critique of these issues gone wrong, or a misguided attempt to induce some historical accuracy, or ignorance. The problem is that I’m pretty sure I can exclude said other options. Historical accuracy in this case is not necessary since the book is set in the 1990s, not in the middle ages. Ignorance is a pretty weak excuse by itself, and one issue may slip under your (and your editor’s) radar, but so many...? The author of this book is a white guy, so he’s probably wearing privilege lenses, but still. Lastly, a critique would necessitate at least some attempt to contradict the views you have your characters expressing, either through the narrative or - even better - through a character themselves. I know that, and I’m a twenty-something amateur reader who sometimes tries her hand at literary critique. An author (and editor) who has been in the business for so long should definitely know that, and also how to work said critique into the story so that a casual reader would catch it. Which leaves us with option No. 1. And the reason why I regret having spent money on one of TC Boyle’s books, and why his name is another entry on my list of authors never to be read again.

*An afterthought that I’m too lazy to work in somewhere else: There is so much religious imagery in this book. It starts with the nicknames many characters in this book get, like God the Creator, Jesus, Judas, Eos etc., and culminates with this whole Garden of Eden theme that surrounds the experiment. Like with the cult thing, the book isn’t even shy to call itself out on it, but if this is not a prime example of lampshading, then I don’t know what is.