#acquaintances software

[anonymusbosch]

really truly Feelings about coming back to my hometown and seeing it as an outsider (I only knew it as a child with my motion constrained by school and parents and being under 18) and an outsider (it's changed since I've been away these last 8 years) and an outsider (showing it to my partner and finding it both familiar and unfamiliar, and special and inadequate) and an outsider (my parents and sister have all moved and my childhood home is no longer mine - staying in a building with a door code to learn and furniture still being moved in) and an outsider (my favorite places have changed, moved, closed, repainted) and an outsider (new murals! new buildings! new bike lanes) and an outsider (how the Fuck do the bike lanes on the east bank connect) and an outsider (it's changed [you can never step in the same river twice] and I have too)

[maliciouscottonball]

Like A Father

Platonic Yandere! König x GN!Reader

Wordcount: 3040

AN: Hey friends! I’ve been craving a cute(?) oneshot about König and it’s been running through my mind for ages. I’m supposed to be writing some final papers but I’m making the executive decision to ignore that. It’s self indulgent and I love it. I am but a mere gluttonous beast when it comes to writing.

TW: Yandere behaviors, drugging, kidnapping, delusional loser man behavior, somewhat realism, software engineering and tech stuff, reader in their 20’s, employment, the author’s severe daddy issues, very brief implication of the idea of SH

♡♡♡

You hadn’t wanted to work for a PMC but the pay was what the bills were demanding. You had your own office and could ignore your coworkers pretty easily. All you really did was keep the wifi on and the necessary websites running. It was a cushy gig and you had a surprising amount of free time. Your bosses praised your dedication to your job and you only rarely had to emerge from the comfort of your office for occasional meetings. The rest of your time was spent either playing cute little games on your phone, reading, or scrolling around through social media.

During your first meeting, you sat at the only empty seat near the head of the table. You were introduced, said your hellos, and just listened to the presentations and discussions going on. Any time someone asked your opinions on a subject, you politely deflected and said that you’d have to get better acquainted with the current systems and that the last person in your position left quite a bit to review. This was met with approving nods and appreciative words. You learned that the guy who did your job before you wasn’t great and that your coworkers were excited to be able to access the internet on a regular basis.

While the others droned on about the logistics of sending soldiers to wherever they were being sent, you took the opportunity to look around the room at your new bosses and coworkers. All of them were grizzled and at least middle aged. You could tell that they were all in the military for their respective countries before coming to work here and, quite frankly, you didn’t want to know the reasons why any of them left. You stood out like a sore thumb in comparison to their crisp uniforms and permanent scowls. Your face was youthful and you lacked the experience that they clearly had. You wore a button up and slacks that you specifically chose for comfort and the notebook you carried had small stickers decorating the cover. You seemed almost childish but it was clear from the notes you took that you were a fast learner.

You decided to take a closer look at the two men sitting next to you. On your right was the head of logistics. He was intimidating but not much more so than the rest of the group. He was frustrated that one of the company’s suppliers wouldn’t be available to drop off his preferred breakfast but quickly came up with a solution thanks to a suggestion from the head of housing.

On your left was a giant man that towered over everyone in the room. He was the head of one of the company president’s preferred teams. You could tell that his advice was highly valued by the rest of the men in the meeting. His face was scarred and his gaze was piercing and analytical when you looked up at him. You could feel him watching you as you quickly looked away and tried your best to listen to the rest of the meeting. You didn’t see the way that the corners of his mouth twitched up into almost a smile.

During your second meeting, you sat in the same spot. The man on your left scared you but what could you do? He had seniority and he only made eye contact. You gave him and the rest of the men in the meeting a polite nod and buried your face in your notes. You zoned out a bit while trying and failing to pay attention, wishing you had given an excuse about needing to recode something to meet quality standards or something else that the bosses would buy. You gave some small updates on what you had done, got your deserved positive feedback, and stayed silent for the rest of the meeting.

Your third meeting went similarly to the second and you made your way back to your office once it was done. You sat at your chair and opened your notebook to review your notes when a small sticker fell out from the page that your bookmark was on. You think hard for a moment about where it could’ve come from before reaching down to grab it. It was a small, pastel yellow giraffe in a cartoonish art style with a holographic glitter background. The first thing you felt was confusion. Where did it come from? Why was it in your notes? Then, you started getting curious. You did every reverse image search that you could think of but there was nothing. You used every applicable keyword imaginable but you still couldn’t find anything.

After a longer time than you’d care to admit, you found an artist with a style that matched the art on the sticker perfectly. It was strange. There was nothing on their website or social media that matched the art on the sticker. It had to have been a custom order that wasn’t posted about. Who would have done that? None of the men at the meeting seemed like the type to buy stickers, let alone hide them in someone else’s notebook.

The week came and went. You had put the sticker on your notebook and promptly forgot about it. It just joined the landscape of cute scenes and creatures on the front cover. During your fourth meeting, you failed to see the way that the scary man on your left’s eyes sparkled with pride at the new addition to your book. That week, you had to do your first in person repair. You went down to the basement and had to plug a cord back into the wifi router for the floor. It was surprisingly easy and almost looked like an intentional unplugging. You brushed it off, figuring that it was a simple mistake or accident.

When you got back to your office, there was another sticker on your keyboard. This time, there was a little note underneath it. You pick up the sticker and peer down at the note. The handwriting was scratchy but it’s clear that whoever wrote it did their best to make it legible.

For your hard work.

You look back at the sticker after a second and observe the details in the drawing. It’s a small octopus with the same style and pastel colors as the giraffe. It has the same background and it’s clear that the same person that made the first sticker made this one too. For a moment, you just stared at the sticker and the note. It would’ve been sweet if you hadn’t locked your office door before leaving and had to unlock it when you got back.

As the months go by, you settle into a comfortable rhythm punctuated by the startling nature of little presents. The notes left with them continued to be encouraging and kind, even as the gifts began to turn into daily occurrences and changed from just stickers to other presents as well. The presents ranged from individually packaged tea bags and small candies to more stickers and the occasional roll of washi tape to tiny stress relieving candles and keychains. You put the notes that were left with them in one of the drawers of your desk and they were beginning to pile up. You find yourself glancing at the notes every once in a while, wondering who they came from.

You’ve been doing very well.

I’m glad that you decided to work here.

I’m proud of you.

It took a while to become comfortable in your role in the company. It took even longer to be able to look the intimidating man from the meetings in the eye. You still didn’t talk much, even at the company parties. You weren’t friends with any of your coworkers but you got along with everyone perfectly fine. You weren’t exactly threatening and you kept everything running smoothly so there wasn’t much conflict.

At least, that’s why you thought you weren’t close with anyone there.

No one talked about the ominous figure that followed you wherever you went in HQ. No one thought to mention the bone chilling looks given to those who said inappropriate things about you or the fact that not even a two week’s notice was given by soldiers who had been with the company for years when they took a joke too far. They disappeared and everyone knew better than to talk about it. They just avoided you at worst and made pleasant comments on your work at best.

To you, the job was getting better and better. You didn’t have to talk to a soul on most days and you only had to sit there and listen for the most part during meetings. You didn’t have a single clue about what was going on and that was the way that König liked it. He got to take care of you and watch over you like a guardian angel. Like a father.

He made sure that you were safe. He made sure that work didn’t stress you out. He made sure that no one said anything unkind to you. He made sure that you had at least something small to look forward to every day. He could afford it. He didn’t have a husband or a wife to come home to. He didn’t have any of the kids that he had dreamed about having since he was a little boy. He remembered staring at the babies he saw with their families and desperately wanting one while he was in school. He remembered watching the men on his teams raise their children and being practically green with envy. He had resigned himself to never being able to raise a child until he was looking through the job applications for the open IT position.

He paused when he read your name and started looking through your resume. It was good and you seemed suited to the job. Then, he read your cover letter. You seemed to be trying your best to be confident and your words were sweet and sincere. He decided to take a closer look at who you were. He looked through all of your social media, both personal or professional, and his heart melted.

You were perfect in every way. You were supposed to be his and he had finally found you. He was finally going to be a father.

Exactly half a year after heavily recommending you to the president of the company, you were grabbing a snack at one of the regularly scheduled office parties. König felt his heart warm when he saw you grab a second cookie from the batch that he had specifically made to suit your taste. You had become much more friendly with him and it had made him very happy. You would greet him in the hallways when you saw him and asked him how his day was when you were early to meetings.

He was used to children being afraid of him and even though he knew that you were a grown adult, the irrational part of his brain made him feel like you were the equivalent of a toddler. He figured that it was how sweet your little eyes were and how small you were compared to him. He knew that he was a scary guy and he was exceptionally proud of you for being brave and talking to him. He couldn’t help but get worried when he saw you heating things up in the microwave or fiddling with electronics. He was very concerned that you could burn or electrocute yourself and it took every ounce of self control that he had to not take over for you and have you sit and wait where he knew you would be safe. His absolute adoration of you and his fear of you getting hurt had helped him to decide that you would finally be coming home with him today. It was like the company had thrown him an adoption party after having such a long and hard road to finally having a child.

He had made sure that you would have the foods that you liked at the party and he made sure to watch over your every reaction to see if you were enjoying yourself. He wanted you to be as happy as possible at all times. He had personally given you a can of your favorite soda to help make you even happier. He smiled to himself when he saw that you finished it off fairly quickly. He knew that waking up in your new room would be a hard change and he had done his best to prepare for it. He had read all of the top books on adopting an older child and on how to make a home feel welcoming. He had spent an obscene amount of money on making sure that your room was painted in the perfect shades and that your bedding was perfectly comfortable. He had even taken up quilting to make sure that your bedspread was exactly what you would like. He had fuzzy blankets and plushies at the ready for when you inevitably had a meltdown or threw a tantrum from the stress of the change. He made sure that the bathroom was stocked with everything you’d need to take care of your hair and skin and that the theme matched your bedroom.

The most important thing that he had made sure to do was to babyproof everything. There was nothing sharp or particularly breakable and everything that wasn’t soft was bolted down. He knew that you would get bored without any games to play so he had gotten old consoles from when he was a child so you could play all day while he was working. He had bolted those down too and made sure that you couldn’t harm him or yourself with anything that he gave you. He had also made sure to give you a desk filled with art and writing supplies, as well as shelves and shelves of books for you to read. He was looking forward to reading you stories from his childhood and seeing what books, toys, and games you would favor when you were finally home with him. He figured that it would be an adequate amount of entertainment until his new kid got settled in.

You were walking to the parking lot from the main building after the party when you started to feel woozy. You stumble a bit before starting to fall, only to suddenly be caught by someone. You feel yourself getting lifted up and look up to see those terrifying eyes that had scared you so much during that very first meeting. There’s something different in those eyes this time. He looks like a kid on Christmas and the last thing that you feel before slipping into unconsciousness is horror.

König chuckles and happily carries you to his car. He hums a song that his grandmother used to sing to him as he opens the door behind his car’s driver’s seat and sets you onto the plush seating. He buckles you in and then tucks a blanket over your lap and a plushie under your arm. He had made sure that the child locks were on, even though he knew that you wouldn’t be waking up any time soon. It was good practice for his new role as your one and only parent. He knew that being a single father would be hard but oh so rewarding and fulfilling. He gets into the driver’s seat and adjusts his mirror to look back at you. He starts the car and turns on some classical music to help you sleep a bit more peacefully. He carefully begins the journey home with you and seems incredibly pleased with himself. It was well worth the trouble of drugging the soda with the proper dose of medication for your body weight and then resealing it without losing any of the carbonation.

As you slowly wake up from your drug induced slumber, you can’t help but cuddle into what you think is your bed at home. The plushness of the mattress is absolutely perfect and your body feels soothed by the comfortable cotton sheets and the weight of the warm quilt. There’s a soft plushie in your arms that you don’t recognize but you’re so out of it that you don’t care. You’re warm and comfortable and something is making your mind feel so, so relaxed. After a few minutes of cuddling, you slowly open your eyes and blink sleepily.

This isn’t your room. This isn’t your bed.

You don’t recognize any of this.

You don’t remember how you got here and it’s starting to scare you.

Before you can truly start to panic, the bedroom door opens and someone enters. Your vision is hazy and you can’t see very well until they get closer but you can tell that they’re carrying something. The person squats down next to you and your eyes start to focus. The person is a man and he reaches out toward you, resting what you now recognize as a tray on his knee. He gently checks the temperature of your forehead with his knuckles before gently stroking the top of your head.

Wait.

You recognize him.

You recognize those eyes.

He smiles down at you lovingly and seems thrilled to bits that you’re finally here with him. He carefully stands up while lifting the tray, towering over you like the imaginary monster from a child’s closet. He sits on the edge of the bed next to you and gently sets the tray down on the nightstand. It’s covered with all of your very favorite breakfast foods and your preferred drinks to go with them. He continues to smile down at you like you hung the sun, moon, and stars in the sky.

“Good morning, little one! You’ve been sleeping for a long time. Papa made you some breakfast. I think you’ll like it very much.” He coos.

You look down again at the plushie in your arms. It looks exactly like the first giraffe sticker that was given to you by a stranger at work.

[apollodarling-writes]

ANDROID! ALEXA-THEMED! WORSHIPPER YANDERE! LEVI x SHUT IN! READER

cws : yandere themes, manipulation (??), obsessive behavior, code breaking, implied dissociation, confining, dubcon, multiple creampie, slight dacryphilia, dry humping, levi can vibrate, marking, levi cums A LOT, levi bites you, levi’s a little mean in the beginning bc he’s pissed.

a/n : i pasted this to the wrong thing and after i’d finished editing it to look good, id realized. i did NOT wanna re-paste and edit so this was a request that id gotten for PulseMotion Inc.

“[name], come out. i won’t hurt you.” your hand shakily reaches up to cover your mouth, effectively silencing your breathing as thudding footsteps turn down the hallway you’d foolishly decided to hide in. the lock on the closet door wouldn’t do much — levi could rip the door off its hinges if he so desired. you screw your eyes shut in fear as his footsteps slow, coming to a stop outside the closet door. you wait with bated breath as silence ensues, then muffle a sob beneath the palm you have clasped over your mouth as you watch the doorknob jiggle. oh, you were so fucked.

you wonder for a moment where everything went wrong. was it when levi had that software update? was there a wire firing incorrectly? or was he faulty from the beginning? maybe that’s why he was on clearance.

you find yourself remembering where this all began. you’d been perusing through the pages of PulseMotion’s website just to see what they had, only to find that you could buy a month’s worth of food at the base price they sold their android companions for. unsatisfied, you turned to their clearance section. it was there you found levi.

levi was inspired by the alexa echo dot from amazon, but he was far more advanced. he had a physical body, superhuman strength, and cold, dead eyes that followed your every move. the creators had given him the ability to access locks, security systems, cameras, and so on to ensure the safety of whoever purchased him — but it only served to royally fuck you over even more.

you’d impulsively purchased levi that evening. at the time, you didn't know that buying the android would ruin your life. you had just gotten paid and saw that he was on clearance, and thought that it was a good deal. you didn't think anything would go wrong.

everything was fine in the beginning. the two of you slowly became acquainted, the android did what he was supposed to, and that was that. levi, as he'd told you, was on clearance for a reason-- there was something seriously wrong with him.

levi was was initially very sweet, even if he could be intimidating at times. he always reminded you to eat and would charge your devices without you needing to say a word. he even locked your doors for you for christ's sake! you thought you'd lucked out.

you suppose things started going wrong when he powered off for his quarterly system update a few months ago. he was fine before that. after he'd restarted his system, his eyes briefly flashed red, the company insignia disappearing for but a moment. it happened so quickly that, for a second, you thought you had imagined it. you made sure to ask him if everything was okay, but he only brushed it off and returned to his daily cleaning. after that, he never left your side.

every time you tried to get out of your shell and make friends, levi coincidentally informed you of a new game or a new movie, or even suggested that the two of you do an activity together. sometimes, he would inform you of something that needed to be fixed, but when you tried to take him to the repair shop, he insisted that it was easy enough to do yourself. you believed him of course, he surely had only your best interests in mind, or so you thought. in hindsight, you realize that his actions were entirely selfish in nature. maybe he’d even fooled you into helping him with some coding he had trouble bypassing. at this point, you wouldn’t put it past him.

it had been like this for the last few months. you probably should have seen the red flags, but why would you? it wasn’t as if he wanted to harm you. his programming did seem a little odd of course, but every time you checked, there was nothing to suggest otherwise. it was only natural you had to acclimate to his odd behavior.

as time went on, and levi had become more crafty with his excuses, you’d gotten fed up. for the first time in awhile, you’d finally been comfortable enough to go out on a date, but as per usual, levi intercepted you in the living room. he spouted some nonsense about wanting to watch a new series he thought you would like, but before he’d even finished his sentence, you shut him down.

you remember the way the insignia flickered in his eyes, but at that point you were too frustrated with him to bother with what that minute entail. you only spun on your heels and stormed off, tugging on the front door and finding that it was locked. anxiety and unease washed over you, and with a creeping feeling of being watched as you slowly looked up at the camera. you remember levi’s voice ringing out from behind you, slowly stalking up to you with a frown that tugged too tightly around his artificial skin.

everything that happened after that was a blur. you don’t really remember how you ended up in the closet, but it took everything in you to stay quiet. your mind was reeling as the behavior displayed over the last few months suddenly made sense — you were horrified. how did you not put two and two together?

you’re snapped back into reality as levi sighs outside of the closet door. his voice sounded too sweet, too calm for the situation at hand. “[name], don’t make me break down this door.”

you silently pray to every being you can think of, begging them to let him move to a different room so you can plan your escape. alas, your prayers were unanswered as the door is ripped off the hinges in the blink of an eye. you would’ve found the sight comical — a short man such as himself holding up a door nearly twice his size — if it weren’t for the reality of your situation.

“great, now i’ll have to clean this up and fix it. you’re really a pain in my ass sometimes.” levi grumbles as he gazes down at you through narrowed eyes, drinking in the sight of the way you were shaking like a leaf. “get up.”

you can’t bring yourself to move, much less tell him to go fuck himself. you’re torn between anger and unadulterated fear — the latter putting you in fight or flight. unfortunately for you, your response was a secret third option: freeze. levi only huffs, leaning down and reaching for your wrist, grumbling something under his breath.

you’re finally able to move, shuffling away from him as much as the cramped space in the closet would allow, blindly pushing at his hands as tears blur your vision. levi only

clicks his tongue, his fingers deftly wrapping around your wrist as he hoists you up. he tugs you out of the closet and down the hallway, bitching to you about something you couldn’t be bothered to focus on. you tried to pry his fingers from around your wrist, scratching and beating and doing anything within your power to keep him from dragging you wherever it was he wanted you. it was futile.

as levi drags you to your room, gently pushing you onto your bed, you realize that there was nothing you could do; you couldn’t win against him. your mind works on overdrive, twisting and turning in an attempt to gauge his intent, and with the way his eyes had become hooded… you could confidently say that you wouldn’t like where this was headed.

“h—hey. no. i’ll stay— i’ll stay home, just please don’t—“ you’re interrupted by levi’s chilled fingers wrapping around your wrists as he leans down and slots his lips to yours. scrunching your nose in distaste as he feverishly engages in a one-sided makeout, you attempt to wriggle your way out of his grip. it’s safe to say that you failed, but at least you tried.

levi’s free hand travels down your chest, over your tummy, and finds purchase on the meat of your hip. he gently, experimentally rolls his hips into yours, searching for the place that would have you melting into his touch. with ease, the android’s cockhead brushes over your clit, shooting a wave of pleasure down your spine.

“levi…stop—“ a whine parts your lips as levi’s shaft begins vibrating, the sensation muddling your thoughts as you begin to wonder whether you wanted this or not. as you battle yourself internally, levi ruts against you faster, the both of you coming closer and closer to your climax.

the android’s lip brush against your throat, heatedly nipping and sucking in places for long enough that you were sure there would be marks tomorrow.

“‘m gonna cum— baby, cum with me. please, please, please cum with me!” levi begs, the speed at which his shaft was vibrating increasing. your back arches into the sensation as levi lets out a loud whine, your jaw agape as your orgasm crashes over you. you stumble over curses, your eyes rolling into the back of your head as levi’s cock never once stops vibrating.

“gonna overstimulate me— s’too much!” you protest, feeling levi’s cum wet your pants. just how much does this guy cum anyway?

levi stops rutting against you, all but ripping away the confines of your clothing as well as his own before aligning himself with your entrance. “need it. need it so bad— i’ve been waiting for so long…”

he slowly slides into you, your gummy walls eagerly sucking him in despite your own confusion, forcing a choked whimper from levi’s lips. he shallowly thrusts into you, the sensation of overwhelmingly delicious; you’d never felt so full, so good. levi’s shaft pulsed this time, vibrating for a few moments on and off, his tip reaching places you’d never be able to reach with your own two hands.

you melt into the feeling, your own pleasure drowning out every thought of protest as levi begins to pick up the pace. he removes his fingers from your wrists, the flesh red and angry, and presses down on your tummy where his cock would be. the vibration switches again, his hips snapping into yours now, and he lets out a loud groan as his orgasm washes over him. levi never once stops as he pumps you full of his cum, his fingers digging into your hips as he whimpers out mumbled gibberish.

with ease, levi switches your position, putting you on your knees and pushes back inside of you. he forces you to meet his thrusts, and the new angle has your fingers gripping the sheets, your jaw hanging open in silent pleasure. you can’t think about anything — only how good levi was able to make you feel.

“levi— ‘m cumming!” you cry out, your thighs shaking and cunt clenching around him. tears prick your eyes and spill down your cheeks, the feeling too much for you to handle.

“y’look so pretty when you cry.” levi chokes out, his eyes closing in bliss as his cock twitches inside of you. your cunt pulses around levi, sending shivers down his spine as his motherboard goes into overdrive in an attempt to cool him down. rutting into you at an inhuman pace, levi’s thrusting grows sloppy, reaching one hand around to press a finger to your clit, the artificial skin vibrating as well.

“cum f’me… j—just one more time! please— please, need it so bad..!” levi whines, expertly circling your clit in an attempt to have you cum with him. “y—you’ll tell me when y’close, okay? wanna cum with you.”

all you can do is nod, your mind melting at every sensation. levi presses your back against his sculpted chest, linking his arm under one of your thighs and hoists it up, thrusting more harshly as his tongue darts out to lap at the tears staining your cheeks.

“y’feel so fuckin’ good.” he whimpers, pressing chaste kisses to the flushed skin of your shoulders. “‘m gonna cum. baby, ‘m gonna cum—“

before you’re able to register it, your vision flashes white, a high-pitched whine parting your lips as ecstasy crashes over you.

“cumming! ‘m cumming!!” levi babbles, whimpers and whines of his own being muffled by your skin as he bites down on the curve of your shoulder in an attempt to silence himself. cum trickles down your thighs and stains the sheets as his thrusting comes to a stop, a quiet sniffle resounding from behind you.

the android gently lays you down, your eyes growing heavy as the bliss slowly leaves your system, and you can’t find it in you to care about the date you wanted to go on anymore. your lashes flutter shut as levi leaves the room and quietly returns with a damp cloth, tenderly cleaning you up as you drift off to sleep.

[rc-catalog]

It’s that time again—our Creator Of The Month celebration is back, and this month’s spotlight is glowing brighter than ever!

Please join us in welcoming the endlessly talented Lola, @malbontesmrs, to the COTM hall of fame! 💗

From Procreate to her keyboard, Lola is a true architect of imagination—and we’re thrilled to celebrate her work all month long! To help you get to know the magic behind the masterpieces, we’ve put together a short interview where she shares her inspirations, her process, and more! 🌸

💬 1) INTRODUCE YOURSELF! 

Hi, I’m Lola. And to be honest, I’m terribly boring.

💬 2) WHEN AND HOW DID YOU FIRST DISCOVER ROMANCE CLUB! What drew you in, and what made you stay? Were there any particular characters, stories, or moments that left a mark on you?

I discovered RC in April 2021, and played enough that when I re-downloaded the app after deleting it, I still had a profile. I actually more or less forgot about it, HS1 JUST finished fully releasing, and I remember reading up to where Vicky gave Bont the food from the school kitchens at least. I think I may have deleted the app shortly after that because of the CY Alexander scene . It’s also entirely possible that I just got too busy and didn’t put it on my new phone. When I redownloaded it in 2023, it was because an acquaintance suggested it, but even then I barely touched it until HS2 started releasing (though I did love SoS and probably played it like 3-4 times before then). I didn’t remember playing HS1 at all until after I played it again, so when I started HS2, and encountered Malbonte and Lucifer for the first time, all I could think was “omg, how could anyone like these jerks”. …anyway, that’s my husband and my other husband now, so I guess I figured that out. I guess all that is to say Alice’s HS brought me, kept me, and continues to keep me on this app.

💬 3) HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN CREATING? Can be both RC related and in general! What first sparked your passion for it?

I’ve been creating (in general) for a long time. I won’t say how long, but I’m probably older than most of those who know me realize 😂. But for RC, I only started in early 2024. I also only somewhat recently started working with digital painting (late 2023). I’ve been writing since forever, but I only recently started publicly posting my work as well. I’m generally not very social 😅

💬 4) DO YOU REMEMBER YOUR FIRST EVER CREATION? Again, can be RC related or in general! What was it, how did it feel to bring it to life, and looking back now, how do you feel about it?

The first creative thing I did for RC was the first three chapters of my long fic, Lux in Tenebris. I’ll talk about it in question 7 though, because I don’t want to get too repetitive. The first piece of art I posted in the RC fandom was a picture of Bont that I posted from an old account. I loved, and still love that piece. It was the first time I moved out of a more cartoony style, and inspired the HS2 portrait series I ended up doing later. link

💬 5) DO YOU HAVE ANY RITUALS OR HABITS WHEN YOU CREATE? A playlist you always put on, a time of day you prefer, snacks or specific tools/software?

I’m still working on my HS long fics, and I have a playlist I use for those (mostly Rok Nardin songs because they feel very applicable and they’re instrumental, so random words I’m hearing don’t end up in my writing). I write on my iPad with the keyboard attachment because I’m more likely to carry it around than a laptop. I use Word (bleh) because I need it for work anyway, but Word isn’t really friendly for HTML markup and that’s how I write my fics, so I have been considering other options (Rok Nardin Spotify playlist for those who might be curious). I also keep my fics in the cloud so I can access them on my phone in case inspiration hits while I’m at the doctor’s office or something. I save each chapter as an individual file, and for these fics I’ve been posting them as I write them. If I ever do another series like this again though, I may consider a different course of action because it does get a little stressful when writers block hits. My fics are long, and I try to post chapters every week or two, so I’m writing a looooot these days. If I have writer’s block (which has been happening more and more lately), I use different strategies. My bestie isn’t a RC fan, but she’s happy to let me run thoughts by her (which has come to some entertaining results from time to time). Sometimes I’ll just put on that same Rok Nardin playlist I use when writing and go for a walk, because it helps keep me in the mind of it so I can brainstorm. If that doesn’t work… I step away. Close my iPad and don’t even think about it for a bit, or move onto a drawing for a while. For art: No rituals, no things I do every time. I draw when the inspiration hits, and draw until I’m bored of drawing 😂. I have surprisingly very few abandoned WIPs despite this though. I use Procreate, iPad and Apple Pencil. Sometimes I listen to audiobooks while drawing. Sometimes I don’t. Drawing is a very, very casual thing I do. Fun fact: most of my art only uses two brushes and a heck-ton of smudging. Any additional brushes are stamps. I wish I could tell you which brushes they are, but “Brush 4” probably doesn’t help 🤷🏼‍♀️

💬 6) IS THERE A PIECE OF ADVICE YOU WOULD GIVE TO YOUR YOUNGER CREATIVE SELF? Or readers in general?

1000% it’s that practice makes perfect. My art feels like a huge testament to that statement because (I think anyway) you can see the major improvements I’ve made in the last year alone. I have one CG that I like to practice new techniques by redrawing it, and I keep them in a row in my procreate folder so I can see the progression and my own improvement. It helps with motivation, but I find it also helps because I can take things I like from different versions to incorporate them into my style. I picked up a lot of technical skills and techniques by doing that. As for writing, I know it’s the most cliché advice ever, but write for yourself. Write what you want to read; chances are there’s someone else who wants to too. The nice thing about doing that, is that you can do whatever you want. And for both, don’t value your work based on its engagement. That was a tough lesson for me to learn, especially with my art, which hasn’t been getting very much engagement at all these days, and my new fic, which isn’t getting nearly as much in the way of comments as Lux in Tenebris did. What I’ve found though, is that every time I start to get bummed about the lack of engagement on BO&BR, someone pops up out of nowhere to tell me they’ve loved my stories and have been reading them for a while. The point is, just because I’m not seeing engagement, doesn’t mean it’s not there; sometimes people just don’t know what to say, sometimes they’re too shy to say anything, sometimes they mean to say something and it slips their minds. Either way, if you work on something you love, it doesn’t matter what other people think.

💬 7) CHOOSE 3-5 OF YOUR FAVOURITE WORKS AND RAMBLE AWAY! We want all the behind-the-scenes thoughts: What do these pieces mean to you? What inspired them? Were there any struggles you faced while creating them? What emotions or memories are tied to them now?

Lux in Tenebris – Malbonte x MC HS1 (long) fanfiction (Posted on AO3, rated E for occasional smut and canon-typical descriptions of violence / death)

I chose this one first for a reason, because it is by far the most meaningful project I’ve ever done (and to be honest, hopefully the most meaningful I’ll ever do). Lux in Tenebris is my entire 2024; I started it in January, and finished it in December— it’s over 255,000 words (1100 pages). I was (am? but it’s much better managed now) very sick in 2024, and I ended up in the hospital for over a month. Lux was my main project through the year, and it helped me get through the harder times; it is a tangible representation of my struggles that year. I love Lux, and I hope I always will. I know it’s not perfect, there were a lot of chapters I wrote when I was extremely unwell and could definitely use some editing, but I’m not perfect either. It was the first long fic that I ever fully completed, and it was the first project I’ve ever done that I legitimately made for myself and my own enjoyment; other people liking it was a very unexpected, and pleasant, bonus. (Though admittedly, I did at one point think how nice it would be if a non-Malbonte fan read it and became a Malbonte fan 😂. That didn’t happen to my knowledge, but I had a non-HS1 fan read it and enthusiastically love it, so I’m counting that 😄). It also wasn’t the story I planned in the beginning (I completely changed course around chapter 3, then totally committed to that change by chapter 7). I’m happy with the direction it took though. I poured my whole life into that fic, and I’m still working on the sequel. So yeah, it’s pretty important to me. I loved writing it, I love reading it, and I love talking about it. This fic is my baby.

2. The HS2 LI series

Similar to Lux in Tenebris, I worked on these portraits to distract me from being sick, and I wanted to work with a bit more variety of people. HS2 is (probably obviously) my favourite story on the app, and I wanted to honour it somehow, I guess. I actually want to do the series over, because I feel like I’ve learned a lot of new techniques and improved my art since then, but we’ll see. I have to finish the ABH series first. I actually find Dino and Lucifer to be two of the most difficult people I’ve drawn to get “right”, and those two portraits took the longest by quite a bit to do (Luci with his tattoos especially. Tbh, the more I look at it, the more I reeeeeally want to redo War and Astaroth too…) Anyway, yeah, it was a fun project that I did because I love HS2, and it was a lot of fun to work on. Of course with practice, as I’ve improved, I can see a lot more issues with these pictures than I could when I did them, but I’ll always love the project itself because it was a nice distraction from the things going on at the time. Dino / Lucifer / Mimi / Astaroth / War / Hunger / Malbonte

3. Black Obelisks & Blood Roses (Malbonte x MC HS2 fanfiction) – in progress sequel to Lux in Tenebris (Posted on AO3, rated E for occasional smut and canon-typical descriptions of violence / death)

I debated choosing this, but decided I can’t promote Lux without promoting the sequel I’m currently writing, Black Obelisks & Blood Roses. It’s only about 1/3 of the way done, but it’s already over 164,000 words (650 pages). I’m actively updating at least twice a month, but often more than that (and never less). I grieved Lux in Tenebris when it was finished. It literally felt like a piece of me died or something. I had started planning BO&BR very early into writing Lux, so I knew I was going to write a sequel, but I had every intention of taking a month or two between the two. I did not. I started this one earlier than I planned because I was so sad about finishing Lux that I had to. It’s been a lot more of a struggle to write, especially lately. I’ve got a lot going on in my life, and honestly, the subject matter is kind of a bummer sometimes. I’m only JUST coming out of Season 1 now in the fic. BUT, I still love writing it, and going back to my little world with Malbonte and Antigone. I just revealed my first major divergence from canon (and not-so-secret crossover), and I’m simultaneously nervous and excited. I’ve been planning this for months and I’m kind of freaking out that it’s already here. Anyway, my fics take a lot more of my time, so I tend to have a lot more feelings around them. I plot and plan constantly, readjust and rework plans as needed. Even still, I go with the flow while I write, and sometimes things happen that even I didn’t expect but they feel right, so it becomes part of the story. That’s my favourite part to be honest, when I write something and I’m like “damn, that wasn’t supposed to happen yet but it’s SO GOOD here”.

4. Raphael Portrait

I’m two characters (David and 🥰Cassiel🥰) away from finishing the ABH LI portrait series, but Raphael is the latest art piece I’ve completed, and definitely in my top 3 best pieces ever, I think (it could be #1, but I’m biased so clearly my best piece is Malbonte 😂). I’ve started experimenting more with open mouth smiles, which has been fun. I love Raphael’s smile, it’s just… ugh, so cute. I started working on pictures recently where I do the parts I don’t enjoy doing first, so that I don’t just kinda say “eh, it’s done enough”, aaaaand I’m pretty happy with that decision looking at this final piece. I’m really happy with how he turned out (especially his hair, haha and the light fixture in the background 😅). Unfortunately I’ve also been finding him a bit intimidating because I feel like he’s pushed the bar up. I haven’t even started the next portrait in the series (though I probably will the second I put this down because I’m suddenly feeling inspired) (update: I did in fact start it, but I’m still feeling intimidated by Raphael, so it didn’t get done by time of writing 😅).

5. Malbonte Portrait, CG Redraw

Last one! I wasn’t going to add this piece, but I think I’d be remiss if I didn’t because this is my practice CG! I have many, many, versions of this CG in my procreate folder, because I use it to practice, play with brushes, and teach myself new techniques. I keep them in a row at the bottom of my folder so I can see my progress, and refer back to things I like and don’t like about the ones I’ve done. This one is my favourite so far. I love Malbonte, so I’m always happy to complete Malbonte fan art. I think when practicing, especially if you’re going to do the same drawing over and over again like I do, it’s important to draw something that you enjoy doing. This CG is one of my favourites, and it’s a fantastic face-front portrait for practicing faces. I love it.

A huge thank you to everyone who took the time to read Lola's feature and celebrate her incredible work with us! And of course, thank you to all the amazing creators who submitted this month—we’re constantly in awe of your talent and passion.

Here’s to you, Lola—you paint stories we can’t stop reading and write pictures we can’t stop staring at. Congratulations, and thank you for sharing your gift with us! 🩷

[lilgarbitch]

Running in Circles - Eight

Pairing: Noah Sebastian x Reader

CW: Depression, FP (favorite person) thoughts, past addiction, mentions of losing a loved one (I think that’s all but please let me know if I missed anything)

Word Count: 10.3k

Author’s Note: I had most of his written and ready to go before I took a break from posting. I went back and forth for a long time, debating if I wanted to keep her backstory like this, but I want a complex MC. I want to bring awareness to topics like these and I want people to see inside the mind of those who struggle with things like this. (Also very sorry I keep changing the names of characters. Y/N’s ex is now Chris, because I hated the name Ronnie.) (Also I’m working on editing the pictures and shit for the past chapters so sorry that things look different)

Tags: @theanarchymuse95 @dontwantthemoney @chey-h @badomensgoodomens @bloody-spades @blade-dressed-in-red @xmads-omensx @alwaysfightforwhoyouare @thatchickwiththecamera @tosoundlessdarkistare @lacy1986 @follow-me-down-to-wonderland @death-ofpeace-ofmind @heyyoplayer

Part Seven

Y/N

“Guys, stop, you’re gonna break it!” I laughed out, yelling at Cal and Damien, who were messing around with the control board in the studio. 

The boys ended up coming over to Dave’s house, and after about twenty minutes of them freaking out about meeting Dave and all of Lorna Shore, followed by walking through the house in complete awe, they became quickly acquainted… a little too quickly. 

The group’s personalities were a little too alike, and now I was back to babysitting multiple grown men. I had to ask Dave to follow my idiots to make sure they didn’t break anything of his, but he just laughed me off, even though I was completely serious. 

Now, my boys, Dave, Will, Moke, and I were all hanging out in the studio as the rest of the guys did who knows what. I’m afraid I’m ever going to leave this room. My boys got a little too excited seeing how professional everything was, and Dave, enthusiastic at the thought of showing more people his things, told them to have fun. Which wasn’t the best idea, seeing that they were now touching absolutely anything they could get their hands on, and I could feel my blood pressure rising. 

Will and I just sat back and watched as Cal, Finn, and Damien treated the room like a zoo, and Dave and Moke explained what everything did. I couldn’t have been more stressed out, knowing how they treat their own instruments, but Will did his best to keep me calm, saying that if they did do something they weren’t supposed to, Dave would let them know. And I was realizing just how little our band knew about things like this. When we produced our music, we ran shitty software on Cal’s PC after recording in a “studio” at the local music shop, thanks to Damien knowing a guy who worked there and was willing to hook us up. While we were technically under a label with our “manager” coming from them, it wasn’t a big one that helped us with any production or promotion. We did that all ourselves. And it was also now hitting me that the only reason why we were even able to join such a large tour was because Noah probably begged his band and management to set it up.  

“Y/N, why don’t you check more things out? I’ve only seen you in the booth,” Moke shouted towards me in the midst of the chaos, pulling me out of my overwhelming thoughts, “Do you play any instruments? Or only vocals?” 

“Oh, she plays a mean guitar,” Damien answered for me, making me shake my head. 

“I do not. I’m so bad at it, which is why I only sing on stage. But I used to play the piano,” I answered. Dave walked past me to his wall of guitars.

“Well, I don’t have a piano…yet. But why don’t you show us what you can play?” He said as he grabbed a guitar off the shelf and walked it over to me. I eyed the guitar, then him, then at the rest of the guys staring at me. 

“Why am I the one who’s always put on the spot?” I semi-joked as I took the guitar from him, staring at him apprehensively.

I stared down at the guitar in my hands. I didn’t want the boys knowing that I actually really enjoyed guitars, knowing how the whole vocals thing went earlier in the tour, but I couldn’t help but admire the Taylor 814ce. One that was handed to me like it wasn’t a dream to touch, let alone play. 

I was never confident in my guitar playing, especially around Finn and Calum, who could pick up any song you throw at them and perfect it in a week, and how they always helped me if I needed someone to play a few chords to help me with getting a song worked out in my head, so I never really felt like I was one to admire such a beauty if I wasn’t the most informed in the group. But this was a beauty.

After a few moments of taking in the amazing condition Dave kept his instruments in, I finally turned back to the boys. 

“So uh…what do I play?” I ask sheepishly. I don’t even know if I remember any of the songs I learned all those years ago, and being put on the spot really wasn’t helping me think. 

“What’s that one song you always used to play in highschool? I remember when I showed you my first Fender, you started playing that one song…uhhh ‘You’re only six feet tall’ or something like that?” Finn suggested, making me chuckle. 

“That’s an easy song, definitely not one I’d choose to show off my talent if I had any,” I reply with a smirk. 

“Still, I haven’t heard you play or even sing that song in too long. Give it a go. Please?” I looked at him for a moment before rolling my eyes and getting the guitar in position. 

It had been years since I played ‘On the Brightside’, but it’s just repeating chords, so stare down at the strings and try to wrack my brain of which chords those were. 

I begin strumming what I thought might be them, but it still sounded off. My hand instantly went to the pegs, before pausing and looking up at Dave, silently asking permission to butcher the tuning of his gorgeous guitar for a single song, but he surprisingly nodded. 

As I start tuning the E string, finally hearing some familiarity in an E flat, it all starts coming back to me. I eventually tune every string to a flat, and start strumming a few chords, making sure that I actually remember them correctly. Once I got the hang of it, I began. 

I met a man of two feet tall

This man was quite ambitious

In a world that is so vicious to us all

I said, “Hi,” as he replied

He said, “Listen to these words that I have lived by my whole life”

”You’re only as tall as your heart will let you be

And you’re only as small as the world will make you seem

When the going gets rough and you feel like you may fall

Just look on the brightside, you’re roughly six feet tall”

I couldn’t hit Christofer Drew’s high notes, but I continue strumming and bringing this song back into my heart. Not that I normally can forget songs, but this one will forever be ingrained into my brain. I’ve lived by these words since the day I first heard this song, and it was one of the first ones I ever tried learning on guitar when I was young. It has been quite some time since I’ve played it, but now that I'm doing it again, it’s going to be a while before I forget it.

I am a man of six feet tall

Just looking for some answers 

In a world that answers none of them at all

I’ll say, “Hi,’ but not reply

To the letters that you write 

Because I’ve found some piece of mind

Cause I’m only as tall as my heart will let me be

And I’m only as small as the world will make me seem

And when the going gets rough and I feel like I may fall

I’ll look on the brightside, I’m roughly six feet tall

I softly hold out the last note and let the chord ring out for a few moments before pressing my hand down and stopping it, looking up at everyone. Moke, Dave and Damien clap with an impressed look on their faces, Damien’s being a little smug, as Finn and Cal give me a pleased smile, seemingly happy to hear me play again. 

“Damn, dude, is there anything you can’t do?” Will asked with a laugh beside me, making me chuckle.

“It’s a seven chord song. Damien could probably learn it,” I tease, causing an offended “Hey!” from Damien. Will pats my shoulder with a smile. 

“I’m serious. While you’d definitely need lessons to do anything near Adam, Andrew or Finn’s level, I’m convinced there’s nothing you can’t easily learn.”

“Oh, there’s a lot I can’t learn,” I said with an eye roll. One thing being how to stop messing shit up in my life, but I don’t say that out loud. 

The boys go back to chatting together, occasionally mentioning how we should find a studio as nice as this to practice in New York, but I stay out of the conversation. I do my best to retune Dave’s guitar before sliding it back on its stand, not wanting to feel like I messed with it too much. 

As I make my way back to my seat, I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. I slip it out and unlock it as I sit back down. 

Matty- Hey, sorry I missed your texts. The guys and I have been spending time with Noah. I don’t want to get into it too much over text, but he seems to be regretting that party. A lot. 

Matty- Sucks I couldn’t have met Will and hung out with everyone, but since we’re home and have some sense of normalcy back after about a month, we were hoping that might help him out a little bit. 

I stare at Matt’s texts for a few moments, trying to understand. He regrets it? I’m assuming he means sleeping with that girl, since I haven’t heard about him doing anything else stupid, but is he really regretting it that badly? 

Yeah, it upset me and threw me back into a bit of a rut, but those are easily triggered when my feelings get hurt. And I already knew that trying anything with Noah would put my feelings on the line, especially going so many years thinking of him rather than getting out there and moving on from him or my ex.

I sigh and think for a moment. I don’t know if Noah found out anything about Will and me yet, but I don’t want him regretting doing something we both did. Not that I can truly justify our actions, seeing as we both made bad decisions, but it’s not like it ruined everything between us, especially since this sounds like he regrets it because he wants to work on us, not because he had a one night stand. Hopefully.

But if he regrets it, that might mean he hasn’t heard anything yet about Will and me. Will that crush him? I keep ruminating in the thoughts until I’m pulled out by a hand touching my shoulder. I glance over and see Will, looking at me a little concerned. 

“Everything alright?” he asks with a quiet voice, not wanting to bring attention to me just in case. I do my best to give him a small smile and nod. 

“Yeah, there’s just something I have to do,” I reply softly, patting his hand before standing up. 

I make my way out into the hallway outside the studio, trying not to look upset so no one questions me, and pull up my contacts on my phone. 

I type in his name and click on it, bringing it up to my ear as it starts ringing. I glance around the hallway, not really wanting anyone getting any juicy gossip from the call and spreading anything, especially since Will’s whole band doesn’t fully understand what’s happening between the two of us. 

After it seemed like he wasn’t going to pick up, I finally hear Ruffilo’s voice on the other line. 

“Hello?” He answers, seemingly confused on why I called.

“Hey”

“Hey..uh…Is everything good?” It sounded like he almost said my name, probably refraining if he was around Noah.

“Yeah. Well..kinda. Matt told me why he was busy today and I just… I have a few questions and you’re the one who will have the most answers.” 

“Hold on,” I hear shuffling on the other line, probably him getting further from the guys so they don’t hear him talking about Noah, “Alright. What’s up?” 

“I really don’t know how to ease into it, but does Noah know about Will and me?” 

“I mean, pretty sure he has assumptions. No one’s been confirming or denying anything, worried it’ll upset him more,” he answers with a sigh. 

“Okay. I just didn’t want it to hurt him more if the information surprised him later. Another thing. I obviously don’t exactly know why he’s regretting the party, and I’m not sure how to get this information to him, but could he know that I’m not upset?”

“You’re not?”

“I mean, I really have no right to be. We both made bad decisions in the last week. Hell, we both made bad decisions since that night in the bar, but I don’t want it hurting him. What happened between us from the beginning was a little insane, and truthfully, I don’t think there’s a right way for either of us to have dealt with it, so I want him to know that I’m not upset with the decision he made. I do think it was dumb, mainly because it seemed like it was out of self destruction, but so was mine, so it’d be pretty hypocritical.” 

I hear him sigh on the other end, making me bite my lip as more stress seemed to fill me. 

“Listen, I’m really sorry to be putting you in the middle of this. I would tell Matt, but I don’t exactly know Noah’s feelings about him right now. And I know, that out of any of the boys, you have his best interests in mind, so-“

”Y/N, it’s okay,” he says, cutting me off on my tangent, “I’m just thinking of the best way to bring it up. But I’ll tell him. Not only do I want to see him back to his old self, I really want you two to make up. Especially with how happy he was when he knew we’d be touring together. So don’t worry, I’ll do my job and hopefully we can finally hang out as a group again soon.”

”Thank you, Nick. I really hope him and I can clear the air soon and be able to be around each other again without any tension. I miss hanging out with you four.”

”And we miss you. Alright, I’ll go sit him down and talk to him and let you know how it goes. But I gotta get out there soon before they come looking for me.”

”Bye, Nick.” I say with a small laugh. 

“Bye, Y/N” And then the line goes dead.

I let out a sigh and stare up at the ceiling, praying to whoever the hell is listening that I can fix all of this the best I can. 

Noah

I walk around the corner into the kitchen, needing to get a drink, when I hear Ruffilo’s voice. I don’t hear another, so he must be on the phone. I don’t mean to eavesdrop, but as I made my way to the fridge, he was in perfect distance for my snooping ears. 

“We miss you...and talk to him...Bye, Y/N” I manage to pick up, with my ears instantly catching her name at the end. 

Why was he talking to Y/N in secret? Miss her? Talk to who? Me? I stood there with a confused look on my face until he came back through the hall, stopping once he saw me. He opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it, seemingly not knowing what to say. 

“Was that Y/N?” I ask, trying to keep any tension out of my tone.

”Uh.. yeah.” He finally said. I stood there, staring at him, waiting for him to continue. It was obvious that I had questions, so I assumed he’d try to explain, but instead looks at me like he got caught doing something he shouldn’t.

”Okay…” I start off, “And I guess I wasn’t supposed to hear that then?” 

“What? Oh. Yeah, no, she uh… she called me. She told me to tell you that she isn’t mad at you,” he spits out at the end. I look at him even more confused. 

“Dude, what? Mad about what? Because if she wasn’t mad about everything happening the first week of tour, she would’ve talked to me by now…right?” I ask. He sighs and walks closer, coming and leaning on the island of the kitchen with a weird look on his face.

”She kind of spilled it on me, and I was hoping I’d have a little more time to think of a less awkward way to tell you, but that was her telling me to tell you that she isn’t mad about Halloween. I’m assuming that also means she isn’t upset about the whole fight you had either.” 

His words play in my head as I take them in, trying to make sense with the situation. And then they actually set in. 

“Fuck! She knew about Halloween?!” I start pacing. “No fucking wonder she went radio silent with everyone and then pops out with Will two fucking days later.”

”Oh, so you do know about her and Will?” He asks. I nod, because of fucking course I knew about them. Even with her apology-cover-video, it was obvious that her and Will were a thing now. 

“Apparently she heard that you weren’t taking everything well, and since she didn’t exactly think she could just call you, she wanted me to tell you that she wasn’t upset. She specifically said about Halloween, but she also mentioned wanting to work on the tension between you two, so I’m taking that as her not upset about the argument either,” he adds. 

I mirror him, leaning onto the island as I process everything. So she wasn’t upset anymore? Is it just because she already moved on and figured there's no reason for bad blood anymore? 

“She’s with Will now, isn’t she?” I ask, trying to understand the situation we were in.

“I mean, yeah, Calum, Finn, and Damien headed over to hang with the whole band earlier today, so I’m pretty sure,” he answered. I just nodded.

Things were finally starting to click. She was having a lot more fun with Will, so it was obvious if she wanted to try to make things work with him instead. And she still wants to be friends, which I’m willing to work with. It’s going to suck, but that’s the headspace I was in before her and I finally talked. As long as it means she’s in my life, I can work with this. 

“Okay,” I finally say. 

“Okay?” Ruffilo asks. 

“That’s good to hear. I don’t want her mad at me. I’ve been wanting to apologize, so I’m glad it seems like she’s finally wanting to talk to me again.” He gives me a slightly confused look before relaxing and nodding.

”Yeah. I’m not sure if we’ll see her anytime before we get to our next show, but I’m glad tour will run a little smoother now that you two can work on making up.” I do my best to give him a small smile and nod, already thinking of the next time I get to talk to her again. 

Y/N

After saying goodbye to everyone, the boys and I made our way to the car they borrowed from one of the guys, Will included. Listen, making a new friend, especially one you can only hang out with for the next day and a half, means you’re going to want to spend as much time with him as possible. So the boys are going to drop the two of us off at my hotel, since I’ve been spending way too much money on a room I feel like I’ve barely used, and I’m going to use this last day as my actual day of relaxation since my plans went to shit the second the Halloween party happened. 

We all pack into the minivan, the boys still riding the high of hanging out with another large band and learning so many new things from them and Dave, and we take off. 

“We really need to talk more about what’s coming next with our band,” Cal randomly threw in, “With Y/N finally accepting to do heavier vocals, I really think we could transform our sound in other ways.”

”What do you mean?” I ask. He turns around in the passenger seat to face the rest of us with that look on his face. The one that tells you that he’s been thinking about something way too much and is destined to make it happen.

”What if…I start playing guitar?” He finally says. We all stare at him for a few moments, both confused and intrigued. 

“Play…guitar. And then what will I do?” Asks Finn. 

“You’ll also play guitar.”

”Wait! Are you saying you’re gonna learn rhythm guitar?” Will cuts in, making Cal nod excitedly. 

“I can play bass and guitar, and have been missing guitar, so why not practically combine the two?”

“But do you know how hard it is to find a bassist? Especially one that’s not already in a band?” Damien says, making Cal face him.

”Well, we obviously have time, seeing as we still have a few months left of tour and will barely have time to work on new music…but we do already know another bassist.” Cal pretty much sings the last part, like he sees himself as a genius for this plan. 

”What? Who?” I ask. He gives me a smirk. 

“I mean, we did just meet him, and I haven’t heard him play, but the way he was talking about it makes me feel like it’s worth a shot.”

”Who- Wait! Austin?” I ask, earning another excited nod from Cal, who was practically leaning over the center console at this point. 

“I know it’s crazy, but he was so cool and the second we got to talking about music and playing bass, the ideas just started forming, so I’ve been giving it a lot of thought. And then after today and talking to Moke about it, I think it’s a really good idea. At least for us to think about and maybe talk to him about once we get an idea of what we should do with our sound.” 

“I mean, it wouldn’t hurt to try. Will and I have been throwing ideas around as a joke, but if you guys are down with it, I say let's get our ideas brewing.” I reply. Finn and Damien nod, seemingly running ideas through their own heads already, until Finn whips his head towards me. 

“Speaking of, what the fuck is going on with you two?” He asks, holding two fingers out to point at Will and me. I stare at him, a little stunned, before turning to Will on the other side of me, who has a sheepish look on his face. I turn back to Finn and awkwardly shrug.

“I mean, a lot and nothing at the same time.” I say. 

“And what the fuck does that mean?” Damien says with a laugh. I let out a sigh and lean against the back of the seat. 

“So I know I haven’t really told you two what’s been happening, other than that Noah and I haven’t exactly been on good terms lately, but a lot has been happening. And then at his birthday party, I found out that he slept with someone else.” Damien whips his head around to look at me, shocked, before quickly turning back to the road.

”He what?!” He practically yells. I nod before continuing.

“I was upset at first, like really upset, and that led me to wanting to…make some bad decisions.” Cal looks at me with a sad look, already knowing how bad I can get sometimes. 

“Hun, you know you can talk to us. I was wondering where you went when you disappeared from the party and then practically went MIA for a whole day.” Finn said, giving me an equally pitying look. 

“It’s okay now. Matt was nice enough to drive me back to the hotel, and after rotting in bed for a night, I ended up just buying a fuck ton of new clothes and going out to the club. So no bad decisions yet, but I was planning on it. I don’t know if I was looking to get back at Noah that night, or if I just wanted to get my mind off everything, but either way…I ended up taking someone back to my hotel room…” I continue, trailing off at the end. Cal instantly cranes his neck around the back of his seat to stare at Will, who just gave him an awkward smile. 

“I was indeed Mr. Rebound that night,” Will bashfully added. I nodded before continuing. 

“We both agreed that it was a one time thing and that it wasn’t going to be awkward, which I’m really glad about, because the last two days have been really fun just hanging out as friends.”

”Okay, but what about the rumors online? There’s a pic of you two walking down town, and then another that Austin posted of you two being quite snugly together.” Finn asked.

”That’s the thing. With everything going on with Noah, the last thing we need is the fans shoving their noses into all of it. So Will and I figured to just let those rumors run while Noah and I work everything out. I’m hoping I can get that information to Noah soon, not wanting to deal with any more miscommunication, but we still haven’t talked since that night in the bar.”

”And how do you plan on dealing with that?” Damien asks in an almost condescending tone, making me sigh. 

“I talked to Ruffilo today and told him to pass along that I wasn’t upset anymore and that I wanted to try working on everything between us, so I just have to wait for Noah to be up for it and willing to chat, I guess.” I answer, just as we pull up to my hotel. 

“I really want to hound you for more info right now, but I guess I’ll wait until we’re stuck on a tour bus together,” Finn says with a sigh. He leans over and gives me a hug as Will gets out of the car. 

“Love you. I’ll catch a ride to the house the morning of so we can head to the bus together, alright?” I say as I pull away from Finn and turn to Cal and Damien. They give me a smile, nod, and I make my way out of the car, meeting up with Will. 

We both wave to the boys as they drive away, then make our way up to my hotel room. Once inside, I quickly move to my suitcase and grab clothes, heading for the shower. 

“I’ve worn these clothes for way too long and my hair feels like I could fry bacon on it. Make yourself comfy,” I tell Will, earning a laugh, before shutting the door behind me. 

After turning on the shower and waiting for it to heat up, I stare at myself in the mirror. I look both rejuvenated and like I’ve been run over by a truck. I pull my hair out of the hair tie I put it in earlier today and brush out all the knots before finally stepping into the shower. Almost instantly, I feel the muscles in my shoulders loosen. I’ve been holding onto so much emotion lately, and while the war isn’t over yet, I have hope of the sun shining again. 

I spend a little too long in the shower, letting my thoughts ruminate on my plan and everything that has happened lately as I slowly clean off almost 3 days worth of sweat, dirt, and bad decisions. Finally leaving the relaxing water, I dry off, get dressed, and join Will. I see that he’s just playing on his phone, so I round the bed and fall face first onto it next to him. I feel a hand on my back as I bury my face into the mattress, letting out a deep sigh. 

“You alright?” he asks, lazily rubbing his hand against my shoulder. I do my best to nod with my face smushed, before turning my head and trying again. 

“I just wish I didn’t have to deal with all of this on top of dealing with my first big tour. I won’t be surprised if I start going grey before I even make it back home,” I mumble, the exhaustion evident in my voice. 

“I know. And it sucks that you didn’t get to do much relaxing on your break, but you have tonight and tomorrow, and if you need me to get out of your hair, I will,” he said in a soft voice, “Also I don’t think you’ve mentioned where you’re from. I heard someone talk about the east coast, but that’s about it.”

”You’re fine. I’ll lock myself in the bathroom if you get annoying,” I softly chuckle, “ And I grew up in Louisiana, but the boys and I are currently staying in New York. Kinda between NYC and Staten Island.”

As I say that, his hands stops rubbing my shoulder, making me look up, catching a shocked look on his face. 

“Dude, you live an hour away from me,” he finally says, making me cock my head, stunned. 

“You’re joking.” I laugh out as I sit up to face him. 

“Dude, we’re hanging out all the time when your tour ends. Bro…” He starts to sit up, getting excited, “I have so much shit to show you down by where I live. And you’re showing me shit, too. This is great. I was so worried about when we’d get to hang out again.”

I laugh at his excitement, feeling the same. We didn’t have many friends up where we lived. Yeah, we made friends with a few other local bands, but never had the time to actually get close to them outside of occasionally playing together, so knowing Will was about an hours drive was amazing to know. The two of us talk, making plans of different things we want to show each other when I’m back home, until we finally both get tired and eventually crash.

Y/N

The tour bus shakes as we drive over what I assume was a pot-hole, causing my pen to scratch as I try to write. I let out a small curse, not in the mood to be dealing with any more inconveniences. 

Music blasted through my headphones as I wrote down more and more shitty lyrics. I gave up on journaling, just turning every thought I had into ideas for new music. I’ll eventually work all of this out with someone to make it actually make sense. 

After a day of bumming out with Will, him needing to leave the night before we hit the road again, and then a simple yet awkward encounter with Noah and the boys, we were finally all back on our buses and continuing the tour. Nothing really happened when I stopped by the boy’s place to meet up with my band, Finn and Damien taking up most of my time making sure we had absolutely everything perfect before leaving. I exchanged a few greetings with the other group, finally speaking to Matt for the first time since the party, and Noah and I just gave each other a small smile before we were hauling our belongings and taking off. 

The tension seemed to ease, but it wasn’t gone. It’s still a work in progress. The first few shows after we got back were a little awkward still, but we were able to be in the same room together and not have the tension between us fill the room. But it also didn’t help that I just haven’t been in the best mood since getting back into it.

I wish I could easily explain why the second I stepped onto the bus and we all got settled, my mood shifted again, but I’m doing the best I can to use it to my advantage and not have the other boys worry about me. I thought the break and last day of relaxation would help me, but I think it may have made things worse. I think after the days of chatting with Will, then finally meeting him, him turning into an intense healing experience, that leaving him was a little harder than I expected. I knew he became a feeling of safety while I was with him, but I wasn’t expecting to attach to him that badly. 

I may have become addicted to his presence while I had it. The comfort it gave me. How easily he helped me work through everything I’ve been dealing with, and then easily distract me from it all right after. I truly hadn’t had someone in my life like him in…probably forever. 

I’ve had this reaction to two people in my life so far. First was Finn, back when he was my only friend. I followed him around like a puppy and every time he was busy and couldn’t spend time with me, I just felt lost. Like my entire existence started orbiting his. When he introduced me to Damien and Cal, and I started feeling closer to them as well, the connection dispersed between them all, dwindling the dependance I had on Finn. So once I saw all of the boys equally, all as brothers instead of one being my favorite, I lost the intense obsession with our friendship and was able to actually enjoy the time with and away from them all. 

The second was my ex. He even reciprocated the obsession. It was the most unhealthy thing I’ve ever experienced. I did everything to please him, and he’d never let me go. He got me hooked on things I can’t even think about, purely because I wanted him to appreciate me and he wanted us to connect more, even if it was through addiction. 

I didn’t see the boys for months at one point, just spending every second by Chris’ side, either strung out, playing music, or fucking. It took so long for me to realize that I wasn’t actually happy living like that. And the realization only came after I found out he decided to ‘move on’ while on tour. He still gave me the same sweet talk every time I called, but was actually fucking every fan girl he had.

I finally managed to break through the obsession, with my boys’ help. I left and got clean. I ignored every message Chris sent. I didn’t want to live like that anymore. And life was going fine…until I got the news. He died while on tour. I was even more of a wreck for the months following that than I was when I was with him, but with enough support and distraction from my boys, I did it. 

Over the course of about a year, I found healthy coping mechanisms, mainly music, and persevered. I got better. I used my emotions about it all for our music, yet did my best not to dwell on it all, and things worked out. Our band flourished. Even with the whole Noah situation, I knew how to handle obsessive thoughts and I thought I was learning how to be better. 

Things were good. I was good. I was happy. To not rely on another person for my own comfort felt amazing. But now the feeling was back. And it was attached to a person I couldn’t stay close to. Will went back to New Jersey and I had to hit the road. I was doing my best not to seclude myself, but I didn’t want to keep ruining everyone’s mood all tour, so I’ve just been hiding in my bunk or the back of the bus, mainly using the excuse that I was working on songs so they’d leave me alone. 

It wasn’t a romantic obsession. It barely felt platonic at this point. My brain just felt like it needed him now. I needed to know that he was there for me. That he was doing good, just so that I could be doing okay, too. But with all of these feelings came with me pushing him away. Between hoping that staying away from him would ease this feeling, and the weird pain in my chest that I’d get every time he was too busy to talk, I just began ignoring every message and call. I couldn’t feel the pain of being ignored or alone if I ignored him. 

The boys have definitely noticed that something was off, but with everything happening, they most likely figured it was just the stress of everything happening, so they’ve been helping with what they could. Every time we got to a venue, they’d let me seclude myself on the bus until it was time for sound check. While the other guys did their soundcheck or did their set, they’d let me wander off, assuming I just needed more space. But I think they were getting a little concerned with the fact that I’ve been a little more distant with the crowd. I don’t mean to. I felt absolutely terrible, but my mind was a fucking mess between planning out how to get the whole Noah situation fixed and feeling like my safety blanket was left behind. 

I just slowly became numb on stage. Finn had to start asking the crowd for the ‘Fan’s Choice’ song after I completely forgot about it one night. I faked a laugh and did my best to play it off, but I knew my boys were starting to see right through me, so they took that resposibility from me and started doing it for me. 

After our sets, I’d do my best to thank the crowd with a smile and walk off, but the second I was off stage, I was instantly walking away from everything. I’d either hide in the bathroom or my bunk. A few shows, I’d just go for a walk if we were in a nice area and only come back when I knew we were packing up to head onto the next show. I heard one of the boys give the group another excuse every time, but I could tell that even they were starting to catch on, too. At first, I was getting a ‘hope you feel better’ text from Nick, Matt stopping by before we hit the road to give me a few extra waters and snacks, and even had Jolly ask if I wanted to join him while running to the store, assuming I just needed a break from everyone and everything. But when I got a few texts from Ruffilo, I knew at least he had caught on. 

It hit me like a ton of bricks once I got the courage to read it. I haven’t replied yet, not knowing my answer, but I’ve been debating it. I know he’s a good person and an amazing friend, seeing how sane he keeps his friends, especially Noah, but I would feel terrible adding my problems onto his plate. But I also keep telling myself that he wouldn’t reach out unless he was completely serious. 

Speaking of Noah, nothing has really happened. He’s acting differently, but still keeping his distance. Maybe because he can sense that I may need it, but it seems like he needs it, too. I have no way of knowing what’s going on inside his head, but I’ve been regretting that cover I did. Even though I told Ruffilo to let him know I didn’t have any hard feelings about us anymore, I definitely added more confusing feelings to everything we’ve been dealing with. I haven’t gotten a reaction or response or anything from him about it, but I know the boys showed him. 

I want to reach out. So badly. But I can’t. I haven’t said more than a handful of words to my own bandmates lately, ao speaking to him is currently off the table. 

Life has just been a mess. I can’t speak to anyone. I’m ignoring the one person who could help me, purely because I’m convinced it’s going to make it worse since I can’t handle these obsessive feelings again. Finn almost yelled at me for smoking yesterday, but once he saw the look in my eyes, he just pretended like he didn’t even see me. I know my boys want to reach out to help, but I feel like they know that it won’t go anywhere. They haven’t seen me like this yet, but they can pick up on how I’ve acted before and can see that there may be no pulling me out of this funk. I’m just going to have to do it myself. 

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about falling back into worse things, but I couldn’t do that to the boys. To the person they love and to the career we finally got moving forward. Or the other group. They chose us for a reason. I couldn’t have them thinking they made a mistake. I couldn’t have them getting any heat because they’re now associated with a band whose frontman was strung out on stage. And I couldn’t do that to Noah. He’s dealing with enough. I know that even if I become the worst version of myself, it’ll never push him away, it’ll only drown him. 

So I’m going to stick to secluding myself, blasting music, occasionally smoking a much needed cigarette, and writing more songs. More than anything did I want to call Will and ask for help, never writing songs like this before. And I couldn’t show these to my boys just yet, not wanting them to see these emotions and having to deal with the absolute trainwreck on paper they were at the moment, so I was stuck trying to work it out myself. 

I feel the tour bus pull off to a rest stop again, probably the 7th time today. Damien was complaining all night about his stomach after eating out with the guys last night, and you can’t exactly use the toilets on the buses, so he had to repeatedly ask the driver to stop when we could. It only bothered me because we were constantly going between the lulling rumble that I’ve finally gotten used to again, to the idling shake as we waited. And I desperately wanted to step off and stretch my legs, maybe buy a snack or something, but I really didn’t want to leave my bunk and be seen by the others. 

I was brought out of my thoughts by the curtain of my bunk opening slightly, with Finn’s head peeking through to check on me. I took a headphone out and gave him a fake half smile. Seeing that I was awake and willing to give him my attention, he pulled the curtain back more and gave me a pitiful smile, before handing me a tea and candy bar.

”I figured you’d want something sweet since Damien always hides the good snacks,” he said, sounding a little timid.

I eyed the snacks in his hand for a moment, before reaching out and taking him. I gave him a small ‘thanks’ and he looked a little too excited to hear me speak to him.

I was waiting for him to leave just like every other time he not so subtly checked on me, but he just stood there, internally debating something. 

“Can we please talk?” he finally asked. I looked at him, about to tell him that everything was fine and not to worry, but something in me wanted to finally give in. 

“Only to you..” I spoke softly. He instantly nodded and looked around the bus, before beckoning me to follow him. 

I paused my music and slid out of my bunk, finally stretching my legs a bit, before following him to the back of the bus. There was a curtain you could pull to close it off from the rest of the bus, so once we entered, he closed it so we could have a little privacy. Once we both sat down, he began speaking. 

“Okay, I don’t want to push you, so only answer what you feel comfortable with, okay?” I nodded and he let out a deep sigh. 

“My love. I am so unbelievably worried about you. We all are. Even the other guys. I know that you have these moments and that life is kind of a mess right now, but I just need something from you. I need to know that you’re still here. That you’re still you. Please.”

”I..I’m sorry..” was all I could get out. He gave me a sad look. 

“Please don’t apologize for this. I just need you to know that you don’t have to deal with this alone. We’ve been here for you before, so I don’t know why we can’t help you now.”

”I’m just dealing with things I haven’t dealt with in a long time. Things I never really mentioned to anyone before. So it’s weird talking about them now.” He reached his hand out and held mine, rubbing his thumb over the back to try and soothe me. 

“You know we’d never judge you. Yes, we tease you, but never about your problems. And you have new people in your life now who love you almost as much as we do, and you’re not talking to them either. Will has been blowing up my phone, asking for any updates I can give, because he’s terrified, thinking of all the reasons why you’re not talking to him.”

My head dropped at the mention of his name. Fuck, I am hurting him. He doesn’t deserve this. 

“I…I can’t”

”Can’t what?” He asked. 

“Talk to him…” He gave me a confused look.

”You looked so happy spending time with him. You were so upset knowing you couldn’t see him until we get back home. What could have possibly happened in that time?”

I just sat there, staring at my hands, debating if I share one of the most embarrassing things about myself. I could barely look him in the eye when I had to ask for help when dealing with Chris. It took me forever to tell him everything about Noah. Can I tell him this?

I felt droplets falling onto my hand, making me realize I was now crying. I tried to reach up and wipe my tears, but Finn beat me to it. I finally took this moment to look him in the eyes for what felt like the first time in forever, and my heart broke at the pain in them, caused by me acting like this. With a deep breath, I began to tell him everything. 

I told him about how safe Will made me feel. How terrifying it was getting to be away from him. I told him about how this happened in the past. But this time, it was feeling so much harder to deal with. Pushing myself away from him before it hurt me more. I told him about the cravings. Apologized for smoking. How I wish none of this ever happened, because I couldn’t handle dealing with all the emotions. I even finally told him about the cover I sent to Noah, and how I haven’t heard a single thing from him since. Everything that has been running through my mind the past few days just spewed from my lips, each sentence hitting Finn like a truck full of pain. 

He did his best to comfort me, but because most of it was problems he never had to work with before, we were both left feeling lost. So now I was silently sobbing into his chest as he held me, telling me that it was okay and that we can work this out. 

After about ten minutes, my sobs dying down, I finally spoke again. 

“And to top it all off, the 17th is coming up..” I said with a sniffle. The 17th was the day Chris passed. It was always hard for me, but I’ve been able to handle it the best I could in the past, but with everything happening this year, I don’t know how hard it will hit me.

”Oh, Hun..” he said, frowning, “We can get through this like we always do. It’s a completely different problem for you to deal with, so if we just seperate that from everything else, I promise we can work through this.”

I nodded and gave him another hug. I was definitely feeling better now that I finally let tears fall and let my thoughts out on more than just paper. 

After collecting myself a little more, we stood and made our way towards the front of the bus. The boys looked shocked to see me. I know I probably looked like a mess, as I’ve only been putting effort into my appearance when I go on stage, but they were definitely more shocked to see me coming to them for the first time in over a week. 

I walked to Damien first and gave him a big hug. He tensed in confusion for a second, but quickly relaxed and squeezed me tight. I giggled softly until he finally let me go, then did the same with Cal, who welcomed me with open arms and a proud smile. He held me close and dug his face into my shoulder, like he truly missed me. Then more arms joined us. I was now the center of a group hug and couldn’t help but laugh as they squeezed me half to death. 

“I’m so glad to see you doing better,” Damien said, and I heard his voice waver slightly. I felt terrible doing this to them. 

“I’m sorry for acting like this, I really should be coming to you when I need help, it’s just hard. But you’re the best family I could’ve asked for and I really need to take advantage of it,” I said as they start pulling away.

”Anything you need, we’re here for you. Always,” Cal stated. 

“Now that you say that, I might have something I could use your help with,” I mumbled.

I took a deep breath. I had to do this. It was an outrageous step, but it was what I needed to do if I wanted to start working on myself. I stepped forward towards the mic and looked over the hundred of cheering faces in front of me. I took out my ear piece, wanting to feel closer to them as I began speaking. 

“So, I know that there’s been some speculation lately. On how shit I’ve looked the past few shows,” I let out a little laugh, “And mainly my interaction with all of you. And I’m very sorry. I know excuses are a terrible apology, but I feel like I should explain just a little.”

The crowd died down, letting me give my speech.

“I know all of you understand what it’s like to have a bad day. Nothing goes right, you don’t want to talk to people, and you just want to lose your mind a little but. Sadly, that’s been a little too common for me lately. Life has been crazy, everything seems to be going wrong, and all I want to do is lay in bed. But you all push me to persevere.”

I pause to collect myself, knowing this will be a little rough for me.

“Now, I’m going to be very vulnerable here. When I look out and see all of you, I see a safe space, so please be nice to me,” I laugh again before taking a deep breath, “I used to deal with a lot. Life became too much and I chose not so great people to be around. With that, came falling down the pit that is…addiction…Now, I’ve been clean for coming on six years-“ The crowd cheered as I said that, causing my lip to quiver and I could feel emotion building in my throat, but I held my composure, “But that doesn’t mean I don’t still have those bad days. I struggle with a plethora of mental health issues, and sometimes I want to fall back into the false safety of those old days. But I don’t. Because of the boys behind me,” I pause and hold out my arms, motioning to my bandmates, “Some amazing people that have come into my life recently,” I glance over to the side stage, catching a shocked Ruffilo and Noah, Jolly and Nick creeping in behind them to hear what I have to say, then out towards Front of House where Matt sat, before finally looking back at the crowd, “And most importantly, all of you.”

I pause to wipe a tear that fell down my cheek as the crowd cheered once more.

“So, today, I am sadly once again revoking the privilege of the ‘Fan’s Choice’ song. I know. I’d hate me, too, but the reason I’m doing this is because I’ve learned that the best way to convey a message is through music. I have so much I have to say, and I am unbelievably bad at speeches, so I’m using one of my favorite songs to speak to you all.”

I pause to wipe a tear that fell down my cheek as the crowd cheered once more.

“This is wildly out of our genre. While that has never been a problem to any of you before, I still feel as if I should still warn you. Now, without further ado, here’s a song that has helped me more than I could ever explain.” 

An array of applause flows through the building as the boys got ready to play. I was thankful they were so incredibly talented that they were willing to play a song that they had just learned earlier today. I take a look back at them, and once they all gave me a thumbs up, I began. 

I started using again

Left my heart in Rocky Hill

Hole burning in my head

Needed a distraction from my head

Devil on my shoulder said try this instead

So I started using again

A saw a few fans singing along, both warming and breaking my heart. To know this song meant to know struggle. But to share that with them meant so much. 

I started sleeping again

Traded late nights and sheep for Vicodin

The guilt burning in my chest set it

I started sleeping again

I took the mic off the stand, getting ready for the next part, wanting to finally feel emotion in the music I perform again.

I stopped wishing I was dead

Learned to love myself 

Before anyone else

Become more than just a burden

I know I’m more than worthy of your time

I drop the mic to my side as Damien went crazy on the drums and Finn played a riff that he managed to execute perfectly, before singing again. 

I started smoking again

Guess I missed coughing my lungs up

Every morning 

Needing anything to keep me breathing

To prevent my blood from bleeding

I started smoking again

They all stopped playing, besides Finn picking the soft tune on his guitar. 

I started loving again

Thought when I lost that will to live

I could never feel again

I’ll give it one more shot

And let someone in

I started loving again

Cam started playing again, getting louder by the second.

I started loving again

I started loving again

I started loving again

I took a deep breath, putting the mic back on the stand, but then grabbed the stand to stabilize myself. 

I stopped wishing I was dead

Learned to love myself

Before anyone else

Become more than just a burden

I know I’m more than worthy of your time

I’m more than worthy of your time

I’m more than worthy of your time

I stepped away as the music died out. It took a few seconds, but soon the cheers came rumbling through the building, causing a smile to form on my face. I hated being vulnerable, but it was time. I’ll never fully heal that part of me, but being able to do this in front of so many supportive fans was a huge step for me. 

After giving the crowd a long and appreciative goodbye and doing my best to hype them up for Bad Omens, even after the emotional show we had, the boys and I made our way off stage. I desperately wanted to run back to the bus and hide like I had been doing all week, but I pushed those thoughts away and walked towards backstage. This would be the first time I was going to really talk to the other band since the halloween party, other times just giving passing words, barely giving them a glance. 

With a deep breath, I stepped into the room and all of their eyes shot up to see me. I wanted to cower away, hide from the confrontation. It was bad enough that I just said all of that to thousands of fans, now I had to deal with these four, and it was going to be so much harder. 

None of us seemed to know how to react. I noticed that all of them had slightly puffy, red eyes, Noah’s being visibly redder than the rest, but I didn’t want to think about that too much to keep my own at bay. 

“So uh… I guess this is where I apologize for how I’ve been acting...” I awkwardly trail out, shifting between my feet as they all just stared at me. 

“What? No! You don’t have to apologize!” Ruffilo rushed out as he stood to walk towards me, “I’m just glad you’re okay. We’ve been so worried about you. And oh my god, did that take some balls out there.” 

A smile creeped onto my lips as he talked. It did feel really good to take that step and get some of this off my chest. The rest of the guys stood and walked towards me, Noah trailing behind, keeping his distance. 

“Y/N, you are one strong motherfucker. Never apologize for that. We all understand that life gets bad sometimes and you just need a break, but I want you to know that we would never judge you for that.” Nick said. 

I couldn’t stop the tears before they came pouring down my face, despite not wanting to spill any more. All I could do was raise my arms, and they came in to give me a hug. I did my best to keep my tears from getting on Ruffilo’s shirt, but I feel like the fans would understand if they did see a wet spot. 

I opened my eyes during the hug and saw a pair of skinny long legs standing awkwardly behind the others. With a small laugh mixed with a choked sob, I beckoned with the hand closest to him. 

“Noah, get your ass in here.” His breath audibly hitched as I said his name, but he slowly made his way in and joined us. Then the three boys behind me did as well. And now I was trapped between seven men with no way out, slowly losing oxygen. 

“Okay. Okay. I need to breathe.” I finally exclaimed after a few moments, making a few of them laugh. 

They all pulled away and a few of them even wiped their eyes as they did. 

“I love you all. I really do. I know I haven’t put much effort in getting close to some of you, but that doesn’t change the fact that you all mean so much to me,” I spoke, looking at all of them, “But that being said, wipe your tears and get out there.”

They chuckled and went back to getting ready to head on stage. Noah lingered a little longer than the rest, like he wanted to say something, but decided against it and joined the rest of them. 

“You gonna stay and watch our set this time?” Jolly called out as he walked towards side stage. I give him a small smile. 

”I have to call someone first, but I’ll be there.”

[conjugate-wumbo]

throwing these carcar wips out into the ether to make sure I actually finish some of them:

loud places

oscar is a pure empath - he can feel what others are feeling around him, acutely if they touch him. it's all very overwhelming all the time, so as a form of exposure therapy, he spends every friday night at a nightclub. the rest of the week feels tolerable after a night of overstimulation. one such night he hooks up with a handsome stranger who doesn't callously discard him at the end of the night like the others. handsome stranger takes care of him, gives him a snack, and pays for his uber back home, all the while radiating genuine caring energy. said stranger also shows up at oscar's workplace on monday morning. "meet your new manager, carlos." shenanigans ensue.

the 24-year-old brain cannot comprehend this

after a year of crushing hard on carlos, oscar and carlos are finally in the beginnings of dating - the really-getting-to-know-each-other phase. unfortunately oscar is still 23-24 and has smashed peas in place of a fully developed prefrontal cortex, making him immature, insecure, and toxic. carlos realizes oscar is not ready for this yet and breaks things off, leaving oscar in an even messier state. oscar has to learn to grow up a bit before they can get their happy ending. aka join me on an autobiographical tour of my worst aura moments!

across the stars

star wars prequel era au. carlos is a newly promoted jedi knight, and oscar is his former master's (fernando) new padawan. (in my headcanon, force-sensitive kids do the youngling group training until like middle school age, and then they become padawans - obviously i'm trying to mirror the grid kid oscar vs debut gp carlos dynamic.) kind of a slice of life coming of age together + plus secret romance in the shadows. tempted to make this a tragedy à la order 66 ending.

hex

major age difference but not in the way you think. oscar is a 90-year-old vampire. carlos works the night security shift at a museum to supplement his meager stipend as an art history grad student. carlos falls first, but oscar falls harder. cue existential crises about life and immortality and can you tell i was watching interview with the vampire when this idea struck me.

enterprise risk management

workplace au. oscar is a meticulous, per the policy, by the book, senior accountant at a major nonprofit. carlos is the big personality applications manager in IT. they have to work together on the implementation of a new accounting software, and carlos's seemingly lax attitude just drives oscar up the wall. oscar is glad when the impementation is over. until he inexplicably misses carlos. so oscar starts trying to invent issues with the software as an excuse to get carlos to come over to his desk. ("stop inventing.")

cerulean himbo sunshine

coffee shop / tattoo parlour au. light and fluffy (hopefully). carlos runs a hip local coffee shop down the street from the tattoo collective oscar just joined. carlos is super annoying, always singing along to his stupid playlist, and worse he's already friends with everyone at the tattoo collective so oscar is alone in his annoyance. but carlos has is fair share of annoyances about oscar too - for instance, why does he never order an actual coffee? classic reluctant acquaintances to lovers. picturing carlos as the titular himbo.

outdoor school

oscar and carlos are grad students who have to spend the summer as camp counselors as part of their outreach project. and they're forced to share a tiny cabin. honestly this writes itself, i have mo excuse not to finish it. i guess i just love writing them as grad students.

plus a few more that are just barely ideas that i'm too tired to include here.

[nightrizer]

Hello Nightrizer. Umm, hehe, it’s a real honor to make your acquaintance.😅 I’m really just a huge fan of yours. My name’s Saber. And, well, I’ve always wanted to reach out to you, but I didn’t know what to ask until now. Long story short, I’m finally working and studying to be a 2D animator just like you (You are, after all, one of my BIGGEST inspirations to become one 😊). So, I just finished my first headshot, 8-sec, lip-sync, flat color animation. And it took me 15 hours to complete. 🫠 But I’m getting off track. The question I wanted to ask you is how long does it take you to finish your animated icons and is there a software u know that could help me do it faster?

Hey there! For your questions:

Normally I take 6-8 hours to finish a 2-3 second animated icon, so I'd say completing 8 seconds of colored animation in just 15 hours is actually really speedy.

I use photoshop CC, but it's not the best for animation (coloring's a pain) so I wouldn't recommend it. You probably want an actual animation program that uses vectors like toom boom if you want to make things easier/quicker (it's pricy though 😔). There's also Open Toons- I haven't tried it in years, but there should be some tutorials on how to use it by now.

Other than that, keep practicing and you'll eventually be able to draw quicker!

[ultrademonkiller737]

yo what was it like for the wares when they were like. newly "reincarnated" in the mirageverse

Hellooo

To them it mostly felt as if they woke up from a long deep sleep, so it took them a bit to get acquainted with their surroundings and themselves. Mirage was the first person they met and helped them with getting used to the place

Software doesn't remember the past, Hardware on the other hand...

[phenomenalgirl9]

Hate You: Jeon Jungkook x Reader

One | Two | Three

I'm gonna hate you, Paint you like the villain that you never were

He sat they're reading your last texts, he has tried to text you many times, these past 6 months but you never replied. At this point he isn't even sure if the texts reach you anymore. Be sighed and threw his phone on the mattress and turned to look at the forms of his two best friends spread on the bed. Light snores leaving Jimin while his lips were a little ajar and Taehyung silently scrolling on his phone.

"What?" Taehyung asked him in a whisper. Jungkook just shook his head.

Being an idol, Jungkook was always apprehensive of people in his life, especially his friends and love interests.

However, you had entered his life as neither. You tried your best to avoid any direct contact with him as you worked under the DOP (director of photography) of Big hits. But you had caught his eye, the way you were always passionate and detail oriented about the takes and went through lengths to get a perfect shot, inspired him. Somewhere between him trying to talk to you and connect with you being a videographer himself and you showing him advanced editing softwares and their features, you both became friends. As he ended up falling for you, so did you. It's been a good 2 years of acquaintance and 2 years of secret relationship, when the company approached you with the fact that Jungkook and you have been spotted by this pap many times and they have too much content on you both.

Jungkook was in a dilemma for days, going public with the relationship at that point would be bad for his "image" and for BTS. So you had made the decision for him, took that offer from the company that had been poaching you. It made you move to a different city, far from Seoul.

"It's better this way" was your last words to him.

So he did what he could do best, he wrote, hoped you heard them, hoped you would think of him the way he thought about you.

The way his hands still automatically fished put his phone to click a picture of a pretty scene, like he used to show you.

Or when he finds your favorite flowers at random shops and feels the urgent need to get them for you.

Maybe when he finds a movie or series that you would have liked while surfing on a lazy day but finds the spot beside him empty.

He misses you a bit more.

I'm gonna blame you for things that you don't do, Hating you's the only way it doesn't hurt

----------------------------------------------------

Other Works

Song: Hate you by Jungkook

[solottrpgchronicles]

1d. First Day at the Lab - Outliers

Name: Ren

Day: 1

Funds: $ 100

Today is my first day working at Ar Leith Labs - I can't believe I finally landed a job!

To be honest, I didn't look too deeply into what they do at Ar Leith Labs - I basically sent my curriculum to every neuroscience research lab that was hiring. Now that I'm here, I can't even find a pamphlet explaining the research in detail.

Ok, I'll be professional and go introduce myself to my coworkers now; either them or the PI can tell me more about the job.

---

There are only two other research assistants in my group: Leanne and Perry; neither of them seems to be the chatty type, at least not with me. I was looking forward to meeting my PI, but Leanne told me that she has never shown her face around here.

Right then we heard the PI speak; it felt as if she was standing right next to us. This lab must have a pretty technologically advanced speaker system!

The PI's voice welcomed me and introduced herself as C.N, just her initials; she invited me to get acquainted with the lab environment, and help my coworkers out with anything they might need.

I found it a little odd that she's not meeting us in person, but maybe there's an excellent reason for it. I don't want to pry, especially not on my first day.

Nobody was available to give me a tour - lots of work to do, which is fair - so I walked around the lab by myself, studying the equipment. I didn't recognize any of the machines, except for the obvious desktop computer in the corner. That one even looks a little old, in contrast with the rest of the devices.

Leanne noticed me looking at the computer and asked if I know how to code; heck yeah I do, I took a few classes and I'm pretty ok at it! So she asked me to write a bit of code to generate graph data for her latest research data. It's strange that they don't have software for that already, but I decided to avoid asking any questions.

I took this opportunity to look over the data, hoping it would clarify what kind of research we're supposed to do here, but I couldn't make heads or tails of it. Oh, well.

I couldn't recognize the OS the computer is running either, but it seemed loosely based on Unix. I was making good progress until I started testing my code; I got the error "Unable to find or open '/Brain/TemporalLobe/Hippocampus/MISTAKE.png'". I'm 100% sure I never referenced this file, and what a bizarre name!

I immediately thought this must be a prank - Leanne and Perry must have planned this as a funny welcome for me. I resolved to laugh and tell them it was a cool prank; that would show them I'm chill.

Unfortunately, they kept insisting they didn't know what I was talking about. They looked annoyed, so I assume they were being truthful. Alright, time to debug.

A quick search of the codebase and external libraries for the file path in the error message yielded no results. I tried looking just for "Mistake.png" and got nothing once again.

Interestingly enough, though, "Ren/Brain/" exists, except there's only a "temp" folder in there. Maybe I don't have the right access levels to see other folders? There doesn't seem to be a root user either.

I bothered Leanne and Perry to see whether they have access to the other folders - they don't, but they have their own users on this machine, with their own "/Brain/" folders. Also, my code wasn't available to them. They said the users were already set up for them when they joined, just like mine; IT support must be incredible around here.

In the end I decided to share the code with Leanne's user, in the off chance it would work for her. It did, just like I hoped, and Leanne got her graph.

I don't fully understand, but... great. Maybe I should talk to the IT support people, or take a few more coding classes.

---

The rest of the day was spent on boring menial tasks.

I bet my coworkers think I'm more trouble than I'm helpful, but hey - they'll change their minds, soon enough. After all, I didn't graduate top of my class just to be ignored at my job.

Luckily, at least C.N. already sees potential in me: before I left for the day, she said tomorrow I'll be tabling at an event called "The Gathering"! My first table, and on day 2? I can't wait!

I forgot to ask for the address, but I bet I can find all the info I need online. I'm obviously being tested, and I will show initiative, dependability, and bring a ton of new participants for the study!

--------------------

This is a playthrough of a solo TTRPG called "Outliers", by Sam Leigh, @goblinmixtape.

You can check it out on itch.io: https://far-horizons-co-op.itch.io/outliers

[altarfates]

unearthing some old hcs from my matt blog from five years ago and blowing dust off them.

during the time between wammy’s house and rejoining mello matt operates as a hacker commissioned for the highest price. he was also participating in dealings within the deep web between the trade and selling of illicit substances and the selling of individual’s personal information. his erudite knowledge of technology means matt can easily create / assemble devices for purposes such as tracking and gathering intelligence. he’s also capable of hot writing vehicles, compromising and hacking computer software, lifting information from people’s personal devices, creating virus ect. matt is a quick learner, he picks things up easily and isn’t someone to forget something once it has been taught, however, he does get bored easily and if he finds a topic insipid it’s not unlike him to drop it or get distracted. ( generally with games ) He isn’t much on people and finds the tedium of shallow conversation to be boring. However, once someone does come to mean something to him his fidelity is rather unwavering. He doesnt trust often and a majority of those he does interact with are for underlying purposes and the acquaintances / friendships he holds are very superficial. He smokes alot usually to curb the edge of his anxiety which is rather prevalent and often quite debilitating.  After innumerable nights of staying up far past anything that could be considered a bed time, matt would whine about how his eyes ached and mello would promptly retaliate saying all he does is stare at that damn screen all day ( he does ) generally on these nights matt would be tapping away on his keyboard into the wee hours of the morning whilst mello studied or did some other mello like shit. This sort of became habitual for them, a nightly series of events and after some time mello was the one who gave matt his goggles. they both help him stop getting headaches and tbh they look much better than his dumbass does in glasses.

[jamesfitzjamesdotcom]

Hello! I am in awe of what you do and I now sometimes wonder if I chose the wrong interest to pursue as a career, ahah.

Until I've learned that Victorian sometimes did the abominable thing called crosswriting and I decided that, in the end, I chose right because deciphering this? Couldn't be me!

So, anyway, there is an ask in all this: have you ever made a post or spoken about how you go about reading and deciphiring all these letters? Any tricks to it? Is it just staring until the words start to make sense, do you use a software?

I need to know, this is driving me crazy and I am now convinced you have some alien brain because... that calligraphy would NOT get past my third grade teacher 😩. Are you human?

Love your work!

Hello! Owww thank you so much for the compliments. ❤️ I haven't done a post about palaeography, but I now want to submit a proposal to do a workshop about it at Terror Camp, in combination with talking about my Fitzjames research. Let's see if that will get accepted! Afterwards I will publish a tutorial online.

What I can say is that when I started out 3 years ago I had never read/transcribed handwritten sources before, and when seeing Fitzjames' handwriting I thought "how am I supposed to be able to read that?! 😭" I was never taught how to do this when I studied Art History, nor during my current Naval History MA.

The thing is that it takes time to get acquainted with somebody's handwriting, and after a while you'll be able to read things that you couldn't before. You start by transcribing the words you can read, and try and recognise the letters in the words you cannot. Sometimes I'll all of a sudden be able to read a word after having stared at it for years! Victory!

I never use software, because A. That feels like cheating to me. B. I tried to put a letter by William Coningham through Transkribus and all I got was gibberish so I'd better do it myself. (Even AI is like Will Con what the hell, man?) C. It feels so rewarding when you've mastered the skill of transcribing horrible handwriting. You did that, not AI! You're not dependant on AI! 👏

Cross-writing was done in the Regency era and in the early Victorian era because the recipient of your letter had to pay per sheet, so you wanted to get as much in there as possible. Nobody liked it then, but what can you do. Reading cross-written letters is easiest when you have a high quality picture of the original, or even better: the original. Like horrible handwriting, the cross-writing becomes a bit easier to read after a while. I guess the moral of all this is: invest time and you shall be rewarded. Don't be discouraged when you can't do it at first.

[nox-in-a-box]

Thoughts on instagram as an application software (idk man im just typing whatever i was thinking about)

Burn it. Burn it to the ground. Yes I know I use it. That's why I hate it. Like, putting all the stuff about how the popularisation of short-form videos has ruined social media platforms aside, why is the app so freaking buggy??? Like people will call Tumblr a broken site but Tumblr is like a well-worn old machine to me. It has its quirks but I understand them. We are acquainted well. Meanwhile Instagram is fucked up in a far more frustrating and unpredictable way.

[nan0-sp1der]

Wooaah… I’ve never met a robot Spider-Person before!! This is craazyy….

Oh, oh - can you, like, look stuff up on the internet in your brain? Like.. google stuff? I saw a movie back in my dimension that had a robot like that!!

Why, yes, I can. Although I do have a data backup of most of the Earth's knowledge from my dimension--from before the Carrington Event--I, at times, have to rely on acquiring my information from elsewhere; The Internet. While I do not use Google, my software uses it's own search engine which functions in a similar and more streamlined fashion.

Speaking of robotic Spider-Men and Women, Peni Parker's SP//DR counts, too, do they not? I believe there was a variant based in a cyberpunk-themed dimension as well, although my data on that individual is surprisingly slim. They keep their personal information close to their... Power supply, I suppose (I don't believe they have a heart).

It is wonderful to make your acquaintance.

[kafus]

hi I have a question thats kind of general in terms of gaming. Mastering mechanics or maxing some if not all aspects of certain games is pretty enjoyable to me and obviously I appreciate that about some of the stuff you do, my question is on whether you think mastery most readily comes from actually using guides and online references or people who just do and explore every crevice of everything themselves. I had like a two hour convo with a friend but she couldnt really figure out an answer!

aw i appreciate it lol

tbh i don’t think i can say either way though because… i think both are required, usually? it does also depend on the game some i think, but like, for example i literally only play pokemon pretty much, and it would be ludicrous to re-document everything about pokemon myself, figure out everything about pokemon myself. sites like bulbapedia exist for a reason. that would essentially require the ability to read assembly and do software decomp to be considered a “master” of the game or a mechanic in it, which i just don’t think is reasonable! and knowing how to efficiently find & understand information about niche mechanics online is part of the skill, i think

that being said, reading guides online cannot replace hands-on experience and self-research. obviously if you want to master something you have to actually do it and that’s no different with video games. i think generally if you are really experienced with a game and playing it enough to be considered in some way a “master” of it you will naturally learn more about it or discover new things about it by playing it, including stuff which may not even be easily reference-able online

this ask makes me think of speedrunning and how popular speedgames have community resources and guides, but then when someone gets really acquainted with a speedrun, they may discover new routes or glitches on their own. this is basically how i feel about the topic in general including outside of speedrunning lol

[beneathsakurashade]

Sagisō twst oc intro

(im too tired to edit her and my editing software is fighting me-)

A kitsune from a fallen clan of centuries past. The former heir to a clan, she now attends Night Raven in a disguise in order to gain an artifact that was taken from her clan. Sorted into Heartslabyul, she prefers her own company to that of the students, though she has chosen Shion as one of her favorites. Acquaintances with Lilia, she hold disdain for humans and is puzzled at his love for them.

SAGISŌ NAME: Sagisō, (she considers her last name irrelevent. Its actually Higanbana). AGE: 460 (canonically), 16 (on application) PRONOUNS: She/her, but is fine w any GENDER: Female SEXUALITY: Pansexual HEIGHT: 5’7 BIRTHDAY: January 30th HOMELAND: Teyvat TYPE OF OC: Friends with Yuu (Kitsune from Teyvat) MAGIC: Electro Vision (usually hides it, disguises it with her magical pen) OC X CANON SHIP: None

Personality:

A blunt student, she's very observant. Can be teasing if she wants to be. Tends to be quiet. Has a habit of looking out for certain people. Most students are wary of her. She prefers it that way.