#and I’m not American. what makes me so mad and angry at myself is mostly that I was stupid enough to be this public

[doberbutts]

Hello, I’m mixed and I know you’re mixed too so I’m hoping for some advice. My mom is white and my dad is Native American (technically he is indigenous to canada the tribe he is from but I just say Native American because it is easier to explain, ‘native Canadian’ sounds weird 😭) and I’m sure you know things r really bad for indigenous people in Canada even more so than in America so when my dad was young his parents managed to save enough money to move to America many years ago, anyway I guess none of that is important besides the fact that I’m mixed.

Basically, I am involved in a fandom with many mixed-race characters that I love. None that are specifically mixed like I am (well besides one character whose mom is native and dad is white, though his mom was never revealed it’s a popular fan theory so I’ll just go with it) and other notable mixed characters are Arab/white, Chinese/white, etc. Writing this out I kind of realize that all of these mixed characters are mostly half white lol. But, that is also kind of the problem.

I’ve noticed a real… I don’t want to say racist but really discriminatory and hurtful attitude towards these mixed characters that really hurts my feelings as a mixed person myself. Basically people ignoring their mixed heritage and opting to just refer to them as ‘Arab’ and ‘Chinese’ and whatnot. Which is fine on the surface, but then I see people start talking about how disgusting it is that these characters have a white parent and that it would be much better if they were ‘pure’ POC. Which is really… hurtful as someone who is mixed with a white parent. Sorry I’m not ‘pure’ enough for your liking?? I guess? What is the point of them even saying things like that? And I guess I want to know how I can bring it up to these people without them getting angry at me. I got really mad one time and said that trying to erase a mixed characters other parent is trying to erase their identity and you can’t just choose to accept half of someone you have to accept ALL of them or you accept no part of them but they just block me.

I don’t know I feel like they’re trying to be well meaning even if it’s in a really hurtful way, but then when I try to correct them they don’t even care so can I really call it well meaning? They outright ignore the fact that the characters are canonically mixed and choose to just present them as ‘pure POC’ which they act like it’s somehow ‘superior’ to being mixed. I already don’t fit in anywhere I go and I feel like neither side will ever accept me and now I feel like this pervasive fandom attitude just kind of confirms all my fears. Sometimes I wish I was fully one or the other. I liked your other posts about being mixed and how you weren’t ‘half’ of anything you were fully all of them and I’m trying to internalize that but all these people and their hurtful comments make it hard. Like they’re not making these comments about me specifically, but I see what they say about fictional characters that are like me so it’s :/

I guess I just want to know how to convince them that mixed people are worthy of telling stories about too and how we aren’t lesser just because we are mixed? How do I tell these people to get over their discomfort with acknowledging the heritage of mixed characters? I’m not very good at articulating these sorts of things.

And sorry this was so long 😢

This is a bit of an older ask, and I've left it sit in my askbox for a while because I'm honestly not sure if I even have any advice for you.

The biggest things I suppose would be

A: remember that fandoms really aren't known for acknowledging the nuance of, like, literally anything that can be polarized. Unfortunately, that includes race and racial mixing.

B: sometimes you have to be the change you want to see. And I know. I know it sucks when you always have to be that person. But sometimes that is truly the only solution. Exist happily as yourself, be content in your own mixed race identity, talk about it when you feel up to it, and those who see it will be touched by you. Perhaps they may even catch on, and start to spread a healthier way of looking at the mixed race characters within your fandom.

C: stop giving a shit what other people think. Be you. You will find people who love you for you. Fuck all the others who reject you for being yourself, and don't force yourself into an easily digestible box for those who would barely glance your way regardless.

[museenkuss]

Literally at this point I’m so ready to have this mark of my neck 😌 not to be dramatic but it makes me feel disgusting and ashamed of myself, not really for the mark itself but the context. If you think it was bad — it was worse and I’m so scared that it might end up online somewhere. Genuinely ready to be done with this whole thing for real.

[pyroclastic727]

Is Amity autistic?

In the Owl House fandom, we hear a lot about how Luz is written to be ADHD. Now I would like to present the flipside: Amity is coded as autistic.

Here’s the breakdown.

Amity is touch-averse. “BuT aMiTy ToUcHeS LuZ aLL tHe TiMe” nice try. The key to autistic touch-aversion is only being okay with touch when she initiates it. And that totally matches up with Amity. See, Amity is really happy when she initiates touch with Luz. She’s also cool with it when Luz holds her hand after standing near her for enough time that Amity can predict an incoming touch. That’s because Amity consents to that touch and expects it.

But when other people touch her? She doesn’t take kindly to that. When Luz initially bumped into her at Covention, she snapped at her and degraded her. Even when she bumped into Luz in Enchanting Grom Fright, her initial instinct was to snap at Luz, since she didn’t expect to be touched. When Hooty touched Amity’s face without consent, she flipped out and beat him up. Not even Lilith beat Hooty up when he wrapped her up in his mucus-filled tube, but Amity gave Hooty the injuries we all wanted to see him with, because he breached her boundaries without her consent. Even as late as the last episode, Amity fell over when her face got close to Luz’s on the bleachers, because she didn’t expect it.

Amity stims. Okay, this one took me a while to catch, since most of the time, Amity is very controlled with her actions. This symptom isn’t very intense; her senses aren’t understimulated too often, and she really only does it when she’s really excited.

Mainly, when Luz offered to carry her. While she adorably scrambled for words, she also flapped her hands against her legs. At first I thought it was just a cute thing she did, but there’s more to it. She was so excited to be held by Luz that it showed up in her hands flapping...a common stim. With Amity feeling more comfortable around her new friends than the old ones, I wouldn’t be surprised to see more stimming in the future.

Amity always has The Mask as her expression. You know, the one with her eyes half-lidded, eyebrows raised, mouth slightly downturned. I also call it the Resting Blight Face, for...reasons.

At first I thought it was just a way to hide her true emotions, since her parents are assholes. But even though Luz makes her feel accepted, she keeps doing it. It’s more like...you know that feeling when you’re thinking really hard, or uncomfortable, or ashamed, or even just relaxed, and you can’t think of which expression to wear quickly enough, so you put on an unreadable one to tide people over? Apparently most people don’t do that, since allistic people tend to have expressions for those feelings, ones that arise naturally.

Another symptom of autism is having hard-to-read expressions, or being less expressive. In Amity’s case, it’s the fact that she doesn’t see a need to have an expression in calmer moments, so she just uses her usual expression.   

Amity hyperfixates. This has several facets, so I’ll break this down.

She initially hyperfixated on school. And that’s how she became top student. Amity Blight is who you would mistake for a “gifted student.” But make no mistake...she is not gifted, and gifted is a bullshit label used to overexert people and force them to keep school as their special interest for their entire lives (and I may have a bit of a vendetta against it). Anyways, we already know she’s a perfectionist. My theory is that Amity originally was hyperfocused on school--the Abominations track, to be exact--and that’s part of how she got so good. Then, her focus shifted, but the school expected her to keep being top student. Cue the perfectionism; she was no longer able to focus on school like she wanted to, but everyone expected her to, so she got insecure about it.

She hyperfixates on Azura, just like Luz did. Yeah, she keeps it secret from the world, for most of the time. But she definitely likes Azura a lot. I mean, she started to reconsider her opinion on Luz when Luz offered her an Azura book. She destroyed her jock career because she tried to use an Azura move in real-life Grudgby. Her interest in Azura is long-lived, starting about the time that her interest in school would have expired (which would explain why she stayed closeted). And we can’t ignore the fact that she sees Azura in Luz and is definitely enjoying the parallels between herself and her fictional counterpart. (Which might not be a coincidence, but that’s an entirely different theory).

She hyperfixates on Luz. Yes, part of this is a crush. But a lot of us have watched Amity’s personality go from alpha bitch to cutest little bean in the Boiling Isles, all thanks to Luz’s influence. Lumity is not a rivals-to-lovers speedrun due to bad writing, it’s due to Amity hyperfixating. She’s already extremely introspective, going so far as to keep a diary where she analyzes and makes sense of herself. It’s not a stretch to say that she identified the faults that kept her from Luz and worked hard to change those off-screen. 

Amity keeps a journal. To me, this seems like masking. You see, Amity is what people would consider to be high-functioning, since she can pass for allistic. But in order to do this, she has to put in significant effort on her part. See, when she does something that makes it so she doesn’t pass, she just sees it as a problem (since she probably doesn’t know about autism, and she passes well enough that she would totally be undiagnosed). Then she tries to fix the problem, in order to keep being perfect. 

Amity has awkward body language. Thanks to the journal and other ways of masking, you don’t see this early on. But once she feels comfortable enough around Luz to let her guard down...she completely forgets boundaries. To review: in episodes 15-17, she throws herself at Luz, holds her formal rival’s hand for 24.71 seconds, blushes every time she sees Luz, and loudly declares her thirsty thoughts about Luz in uniform before literally running away. While some of this can be seen as normal gal pal things or crush things...you’d think a repressed wlw like Amity would try very hard not to touch Luz, so as to avoid being outed. Or at least she would do less of that stuff, so as to respect Luz’s boundaries the way she wants her boundaries to be respected. But that’s not the case, since she straight-up misses a lot of social cues. And since she feels comfortable around Luz, she doesn’t feel the pressure to be so paranoid about the cues, and can be her awkward self. From her point of view, she probably sees it as being freed from her parents’ judgment.

Amity takes things literally, sometimes. Now, this doesn’t happen all the time, since she isn’t heavily affected by this autistic trait. But when Luz says “I’m picking up what you’re putting down” and Amity says “I’m not putting down anything” and looks down...she not only missed the conclusion Luz drew from her words, but also assumed a literal meaning from her words. I can’t come up with many other instances of this, mostly because this doesn’t happen often. I would assume that Amity missed these a lot early on, and learned how to mask/identify them.

Amity is easily upset when things don’t go as planned. Let’s review these. In the library, she gets really mad at Luz when they end up stitched to a book, and it takes Luz’s sweet personality to get Amity to loosen up and laugh over it. When she goes to practice magic, and Luz steals her wand and uses it to get her siblings kidnapped, Amity locks Luz in a cage and assumes that she will get badly injured if she tries to fix the problems she caused. When Luz comes to her school, she panics and focus on how that doesn’t change anything. When she burns Willow’s mind, she appears absolutely terrified of being punished, flinching and bracing for impact when Luz finds her near the memories, constantly trying to distract Luz as they work together to save Willow, and hiding behind Luz when she confronts the Inner Willow. When Luz asks her to join her in Grudgby, Amity doesn’t initially agree, instead taking much more of the episode to come to terms with her involvement in it.

Amity likes predictability. She’s not attached to routines, but she does like being able to expect things. If she makes a plan for the day, she expects that day to adhere to that plan, and she doesn’t respond well when it changes. When Luz comes to her school, she focus on how that doesn’t change anything...not how that would ruin things or complicate things. Whenever she gets involved in Luz’s shenanigans, she either gets angry, scared, or takes a while to accept it. In a broader sense, she takes a while to accept that Luz and her shenanigans are a permanent fixture in her life--sixteen episodes, to be exact.

Finally, it would make for some excellent representation. An ADHD Dominican-American bisexual protagonist is pretty groundbreaking. But an ADHD Dominican-American bisexual protagonist girl who dates an autistic wlw witch girl from another dimension is exactly the kind of intersectional representation you’d expect to see from an unrestricted Owl House crew.

...Now, this might just be me hardcore projecting. I’m a little scared to post this because I don’t know how much of this is me reading into imaginary things, or trying to convince myself that Amity is like me. Feel free to debate/disprove me or support me in the comments. 

[slashingdisneypasta]

Ram Sweeney x Reader || Headcanons

Topic: Dating HC's

Notes:

*Sigh*... I write regularly write for creeps like Freddy Krueger and Offenderman... and am one of the few tumblrs that write for Sheriff Hoyt romantically... and yet Kurt and Ram are my real guilty pleasure characters.

Anyway I hope someone other then me wanted this XDD I'm gonna do a Kurt one too.

Warnings: Some NSFW but not explicit.

Your song: The Way I Loved You (Taylor Swift)

He respects my space and never makes me wait

And he calls exactly when he says he will

He's close to my mother, talks business with my father

He's charming and endearing and I'm comfortable

...

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain

And it's 2:00 a.m. and I'm cursing your name

So in love that you act insane

And that's the way I loved you

Breakin' down and coming undone

It's a roller coaster kinda rush

And I never knew I could feel that much

And that's the way I loved you

You two as a TV/Movie/Book couple: Bianca Piper and Wesley Rush (The DUFF)

Having the kind of relationship that no one else understands at all. Like, you have nothing in commen except commen history and your feelings for each other (Which are, on the other hand, totally clear to everyone) but when you're together you're always laughing and being affectionate.

Being in an on and off relationship throughout middle school and highschool- but never and I repeat; Never, is anyone permitted to mess with you at all. Because Ram always considers you his, even when you arent together.

So yeah, you always have 2 (Ram, and Kurt) large football star bodyguards at your disposal.

Being very playful together.

SOOOOoooooo much PDA. Including: Making out in the hallways and at school events like football games (You dont care who sees), sitting in his lap or at least squished close to his side at lunch, him throwing you over his shoulder to carry you places, him giving you piggy back rides, him picking you up and twirling you around, him just standing behind you with his arms around your waist and his chin rested on your shoulder when he's bored (With everything but you), his arm being over your shoulders as you walk together, you wiping peanut butter on his nose to get a rise out of him and then running away so he'll chase you, you peppering his face with kisses to make him laugh, etc.

Having a turbulent relationship. Because while, when all is well you two are like peanut butter and jelly and seem like the perfect highschool sweethearts, when you arent it's because Ram has gotten really jealous over something and called you a terrible name (Skank, whore, slut, bitch- any of those) or you understandably got irritated by his bullying and/or being a perverted, sexist asshole and you have huge, blow out fights in the middle of school and by the end of the period the whole student body knows about it.

You give him the silent treatment and the cold shoulder after those (If you didnt break up, that is) and he sends Kurt to give you messages.

When you make up its because he sincerely apologises although he doesn't 100% understand what he did wrong which becomes part of the next fight.

As you've been together so very long, he is basically part of your fucking family. He's so familiar and casual with your parent/s and/or sibling/s. They love him so much that, whether you're with him at the time or not, they allow him into the house and your bedroom with a cup of tea and snacks. (Its the 'American dream' popular-boy / football-star thing.)

So yeah, sometimes when you're mad at him or he wants to get back together (Which generally you want to do, to. You honestly have the same biological timer. Its like, 3 weeks pass by of being broken up and then ding ding ding! You both get the feelings its time to get back together and start sharing grins in the hallway and talking to your friends about eachother) you'll just find him waiting for you in your room when you come home.

Hanging out a looooooot with Kurt. Movie nights at your place, hanging out at the mall together on weekends sneaking out to see them at the football field at night time, etc. When you're sad, they'll both turn up wherever you are to cheer you up, too! Goofballs.

This does not mean there arent times where Ram shoo's Kurt off, though, when you two want some alone time together (*Eyebrow wiggles*) because of course. I'm just saying, you're a close-knit group.

When you are alone together, not much changes from when you're around others honestly XD You're still just as playful and affectionate. You just, you know, also have sex.

When he's down, you rusk your graceful image and climb through his bedroom window to be there with him. You dont fuck, you dont even really kiss. You just climb into bed with him and he'll tuck you under his chin and close his eyes. Legit old married couple. And you two sleep- by morning, he usually feels better and refuses to let you get out of bed with him.

"Five more minutessssss, babe!" He whines, holding you against him and pressing kisses to your head. You know he'll just say that again in 5 minutes time- and over, and over, and over again.

"Oh- no. I've been caught in this trap before Ram. We have school, so we have to get up. Come on!" You push firmly at his stomach (or abs) with your fists; not that that does much as he just just groans or gathers your little wrists in one big fist to stop you (Either way he certainly doesn't even flinch). His eyes are still closed. You sigh.

Now you have two choices, you can either give in and snuggle back into him for the rest of the morning, or threaten to send an attack towards his groin and he'll literally fling himself outta bed. Like "OH LOOK AT THE TIME- Kurt's gonna be waiting for us outside. Lets go!"

There are also mornings that you wake up with him (No sad Ram the night before necessary) and are all too happy to stay there with him. You just adorably nod into his chest, eyes still closed and making the cutest half-asleep morning sound when he asks if you wanna stay here a bit longer and he happily pulls the blanket over both your heads; shielding you both from the real world for a while.

OKAY MOVING ON FROM THAT FLUFFINESS.

You are also the only person who has any sort of control over him and Kurt. Like you can take them down a few pegs with just a look.

You two do date other people when you're broken up but its clear to anyone watching that these are just nice place holders for eachother. Neither of you are ever as happy with others as you are with eachother. You're ridiculously in love, actually.

Ypu were the first one to say I Love You, and he immediately called Kurt for guidance XD

Places you've had sex (Because it is always the full monty with Ram): Both your bedrooms so so so many times, the school bathrooms, his car, Kurts car (Kurt was NOT pleased.), the back of the football field, under the bleachers during a game or pep rally (he was benched for being too violent) + under the bleachers during practise + under the bleachers when the football field is deserted, the back of the school, the faculty parking lot at school, Kurts and Heather Chandler's houses (Parties. Basically a Westerburg High party is not complete without Y/N L/N and Ram Sweeney breaking in someones bed), his parent's car, the woods, cow pasture (a picnic blanket was used), and finally some mall changing rooms.

You leave him messages on his answering machine. He listens to every one of them (Which means something because he doesnt listen to anyone elses, unless he's gotta get through them to get to yours).

Him being SUCH a jealous asshole (With everyone except Kurt).

HIM STANDING UP TO THE HEATHERS FOR YOU.

#PromKingAndQueen

Having Kurt "Smartest guy on the football team," Kelly be your (Occasionally, live in- yes, he has slept over with the two of you on the floor so he could break up fights) couples councellor. Often his advice is 'fuck it out' but he also comes up with oddly wise shit sometimes. Mostly he's just very exasperated though. Like, its obvious you two are gonna end up together- stop bothering me with this shit. Let me get some pussy for myself guys please-

You two getting a bit frisky on movie nights with Kurt and he throws stuff at you. He just starts bringing a pool noodle (That he drew an angry face onto) along with him and hitting y'all with it whenever he feels its necessary. Cuz I mean, on one hand, of course he's happy for his bro Ram that he's getting his dick wet, but on the other- ITS FUCKIN MOVIE NIGHT, PULL YOURSELVES TOGETHER FOR T W O S E C O N D S (Oh the irony- it does indeed escape him). He'll park his ass right in the middle of you two if you keep it up.

If he had survived, you and Ram would have broken up after graduation and spent college apart, before bumping into each other again back home as new (Improved. Especially him) people that fit together better now and ended up getting back together for good.

[lokis-army-77]

If You Please

Chapter six

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Word Count: 3280

I'm bad at writing descriptions, so this is basically a reader insert into The First Avenger and then we'll see how it goes from there.

Warnings: Canon typical violence

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Masterlist

It had been almost five months since I had left for London. Five months without Steve and nearly six without Bucky. I knew Steve had been traveling the country doing musical numbers to help sell war bonds, something I would have to tease him about later. He was here in the camp today and I had plans to go visit him when I was finished with my work. Peggy and I had been gathering intel on the movements of HYDRA, and there were signs that Dr. Zola had been using American POWs as experiments for his own super-soldier serum. We had arrived in Northern Italy about two weeks ago, there was a Hydra base a few hours away that we were keeping an eye on. We had reason to believe that Zola had moved to the base some time ago.

I was sitting at my desk scanning through some files when Peggy burst through the tent and into the makeshift office. I looked up at her questioningly. “You aren’t going to like this,” she said and handed me a small yellow telegram. I opened it and quickly read the contents.

107th infantry captured by HYDRA. Heavy casualties. Azzano, Italy.

I felt time stop as I read and reread those few words. Bucky was in the 107th. I quickly sprung to my feet and headed for the tent opening. Before I could cross the threshold Peggy grabbed my arm. “Let go of me Carter, I have to go save him,” I said, yanking my arm away, with little to no effort.

“Would you stop for a second?” She grabbed my arm again. “You can’t go rushing into this, you need to think carefully. You can’t just waltz into a HYDRA base by yourself, it's madness.”

“Yes, I can. Now let go of me.” I yanked my arm out of her hold and reached over to the coat rack next to the opening of the tent and grabbed my jacket. It had started raining an hour ago and the dirt paths had become small pools of mud but I didn’t care. I ran quickly through the rain toward the stage on the other side of the camp, Peggy right on my tail. The mud made it harder to run as fast as I wanted to, I had almost fallen twice. When I made it to the stage no one was in sight. I jogged around to the back and looked all over until I saw Steve in a corner with his sketchbook in hand.

“Steve,” I called out, quickly making my way to him. He looked up from his sketch and smiled at me.

“Hey Kid, I didn’t know you were here. It's good to see you.” he walked toward me and gave me a hug, which I returned but abruptly pulled away. He gave me a concerned look when I stepped back. “What's the matter? You usually like my hugs.”

“Steve now really isn’t the time for hugs. We just received a telegram, Bucky's regiment has been captured by HYDRA. I’m not sure if he was captured with them but if he was I’m going to get him and I need you with me.” I watched as his eyebrows furrowed. His face contorted with emotions. He grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the stage tent and soon we were running to Colonel Philip's tent.

Steve barreled into the tent and went up to Colonel Philips. “I need to see the casualties list from Azzano.”

The Colonel looked up from his desk and shook his head at Steve. “You don’t get to give me orders boy. Now go on,” he said and started to go back to what he was doing.

“I just need one name, Sir. Sergeant James Barnes of the 107th.”

Colonel Phillips' eyes widened a bit and he looked at Peggy and me. “I’m going to have a conversation with you two that you won't enjoy,” he scolded and shook his pen at us.

I stepped forward to be beside Steve. “Sir, we just want to know if he’s alive,” I pleaded.

“His name is B-A-R-” Steve started to spell off Bucky’s last name.

“I can spell,” He spat sarcastically. He got up from his chair and paced to the table behind him. Holding up a handful of letters he stopped. “I have signed more of these condolence letters today than I care to admit. I'm sorry for both of you but the name does sound familiar.” I took in a small gasp of air and my face fell.

“What about the prisoners? Are you planning to rescue them?” Steve asked with more concern in his voice.

“The plan’s called winning the war.” Philips quipped out.

“But Sir. If you know where they are why” Steve was cut off.

“They’re thirty miles behind the lines. Through some of the most heavily fortified territory in Europe. We’d lose more men than we’d save. I don’t expect you to understand that, because you are a chorus girl.” A thick silence could be felt when Philips stopped talking.

“I understand it just fine Sir,” Steve said in contempt.

“Then I suggest you get going. From what I understand, you have somewhere to be in the next 30 minutes.”Colonel Philips said as he walked off.

“Yes Sir, I do,” Steve replied and stormed out of the tent. I looked past where he had been standing and looked at the map that was off to the side and realized that Steve had seen where the HYDRA base was pinpointed. I ran out after him.

I caught up to him in the backstage tent where he was packing up a bag. I started to grab some of his things and helped. Peggy arrived frantically minutes later. “Are you both planning to walk to Austria?” She asked.

“Yes, If that's what it takes to save him,” I stated.

“You heard the Colonel. Your friend is most likely dead, there’s no point.”

“You don't know that.” Steve countered.

“But you can’t go, The colonel's devising a strategy, if he finds out what,” Peggy starts but Steve cuts her off.

“It will be too late if we wait around for us to win the war, I need to go now.” He grabbed his bag and headed out to one of the jeeps. I stayed behind after spotting a rack with helmets on them. I rushed over and took one with an A painted onto it and then made my way to the jeep as well. I hoisted myself up and into the passenger seat as Steve finished talking with Peggy and she climbed into the back seat. He turned to me and shook his head. “No, get out. It’s too dangerous.”

“I will not. Don't forget we took the same serum, I’m stronger than I look. I can handle it.”

“I said no. I will not be putting you in this type of situation. Even if Bucky is our friend you can't risk your life like this.”

“What and you can? He’s my fiancé and I am coming with you to get him whether you like it or not! Now drive!” I yelled angrily, crossing my arms and turning away from him. I was so angry that I hadn't even noticed what I had let slip.

“Did you just say, fiancé?” I remained silent. I wouldn't talk to him until he calmed down and drove. He sighed and turned the key when he realized that I wouldn't break.

Peggy directed Steve to the makeshift airport a few miles out from the camp. She had made a call to Howard Stark to have a plane ready for us when we arrived. I kept quiet the whole ride, still upset that Steve thought he could keep me from coming. He tried to ask about Bucky and I’s relationship several more times before we reached our destination but I remained silent.

It was dark by the time we arrived at the airport. Before Steve even stopped the jeep I was already jumping out of the front seat, helmet in hand, and heading to the plane that was waiting on the dirt runway. We found Howard sitting in the pilot's seat smiling over his shoulder at us.

“Thanks for your help Stark, I can always count on you,” I said as I took a seat in the copilot's chair. I looked behind me as Peggy shut the plane door and took a seat in front of Steve in the cabin.

“Now what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t fly you into enemy territory in the middle of the night?” He laughed out, patting my left shoulder. I shook my head and grabbed the set of headphones off the dash and slid them on as Howard started the plane down the runway. When we were up in the air. He spoke again, this time to everyone. “We should be able to get you both right at their doorstep.”

Steve looked up from his hands and called out, “Just get as close as you can.” He then went back to his conversation with Peggy.

I looked over at Howard, who was flipping a few switches. “You know, we're all going to be in some deep shit when this is over and done with. I’m so not looking forward to the very long and stern talking to from Coronel Phillips.”

“Oh don’t worry, he’ll get over it. Especially if you bring back the soldiers and destroy the base. And technically I’m not here, so unless you can give him proof that I'm flying, I’m still in my private lab.”

“You always have a plan to get out of trouble don’t you Stark?” I questioned.

“Mostly,” he replied. Some time passed before he called out, “We’ll be over the drop zone in ten.”

I gave an assertive nod and took my headphones off and placed them back on the dash. Then I grabbed the helmet from beside my feet and secured it on my head.

“Also took the liberty of bringing a couple pistols and ammo for you, Peggy said you didn't have time to gather any supplies.”

I gave him a quick “Thank you” and stood from my seat and went to sit beside Peggy. She handed me the second parachute and I quickly put it on. I reached over to where two pistols in a belt holster were laid out on the seat and brought them closer to me. I undid the clasp that held the belt together and brought it around my waist. I looped the strap through the metal frame and pulled it taught. “I’m all ready,” I reported to nobody in particular.

“Okay then, Here’s the transponder, you’ll need to activate it when you’re ready. It will let us know your location,” Peggy said while handing a small almost palm-sized black box over to Steve. He turned it around in his hands for a second before he called out to Howard to ask if it worked.

“It’s been tested more than the both of you, it should,” Howard called back.

Then out of nowhere we were being shot at. We weren’t even five minutes away from the drop site. Howard started dodging bullets, making the plane shake from the harsh movements. Steve suddenly got up and threw the cabin door open. A strong gust of wind went through the plane, knocking me back into my seat.

“Stop, We're taking you all the way in!” yelled Peggy as Steve got ready to jump out.

“As soon as I'm clear, turn around and get the hell out of here!” he yelled back at her. I started to make my way over to the open door when Howard made another sharp jerk, I braced myself with my feet spread and my hands pressed to the top of the plane.

“You can't give me orders,” Peggy called out over the wind.

Steve just shook his head and said “Yes I can, I'm a captain.” Then he jumped out into the gunfire. I stepped closer to the door and took a deep breath.

“Be careful and don’t die.” Peggy gave me a pat on the back and then I jumped.

I closed my eyes and could hear the wind rushing past my ears. I could feel how cold it was on my face. I let out the breath I was holding then pulled the string to deploy my shute. The wind caught in it and I jerked up. This time Instead of free-falling I was floating down rather peacefully, considering that there were guns being fired in my general direction, but that didn’t last long. The shots followed the plane as it flew further away. I spotted Steve as he descended into a small clearing in the dense forest and maneuvered my parachute to follow. I put my legs out in front of me as I got closer and closer to the ground to get ready to catch myself.

When my feet hit the ground, I leaned back so my momentum wouldn’t flip me head over tails. I skidded to a stop and hastily unclipped my parachute from my back and stood up. Steve motioned for me to follow him into the tree line, and I did.

We walked for almost five minutes when we came upon the outside fence of the HYDRA base. It was crawling with guards walking the grounds. I ducked down behind a tree as several large trucks drove up the dirt road beside us.

I looked to Steve and whispered, “What are we gonna do now?” I saw Steve eye the last truck in the line.

“I’ve got a plan. Follow me.” He slowly got up from his crouched position and ran to catch up with the last truck, jumping into the back. I followed closely behind him and jumped into the back a moment later, landing headfirst into Steve's back.

“Ow, you couldn’t have gotten out of the way?” I fussed as I readjusted the helmet on my head.

“How was I supposed to know you’d come barreling in straight into my spine. I'm the one that should be saying ow.” He argued back. I pushed him out of my way and looked around, my eyes soon landed on the two HYDRA guards sitting at the other end of the truck.

“Uh, hi,” I mumbled. Then within a second, they were both up out of their seats reaching for Steve and me. One of them put their hand on my left shoulder and I grabbed it with my right hand and twisted. I kneed him between his legs when he fell to the ground I gave him a good kick to the head, knocking him out. Reaching down, I grabbed him by the collar and threw him out onto the road along with the guard that Steve had taken down.

I heard talking as the truck drove through the gates of the base. I felt us slowing down and pretty soon the truck jerked into reverse. We both waited in silence to see what was going to happen. I heard some footsteps coming closer to us. Steve, also hearing them, moved over to where the tarp-covered the back of the truck and positioned this shield in front of him. A guard lifted the tarp up and Steve swiftly took the guard out by hitting him with the shield. I came up beside him and stuck my head out and looked both ways, making sure no one would see us leaving the truck.

“This way,” I whispered as I jumped from the back of the truck. “I know where they probably keep the prisoners.” We headed out into the large open yard where several vehicles were being kept. Carefully maneuvering past stationary and moving guards we made our way to the back of the main building. “They’ll be keeping them in the lower levels. There should be several staircases leading to the main basement level out here, we just need to find one.” I said over my shoulder to Steve who was directly behind me.

It took no time at all to find one of the staircases and descend into the darkness. I spotted a door at the bottom of the stairs and went to open it but it was locked. I looked over to Steve who moved in front of me to look through the window of the door. He tapped on it twice and when the door was opened by a guard he slammed it onto the man's head. The man fell to the ground unconscious and I nimbly slipped over him and through the door. Reaching to my right thigh I grabbed the pistol out of the holster. They were only to be used as a last resort, but with this building being as big as it was, there was no telling what trouble we would run into.

Steve took the lead onto the large factory floor. We passed hundreds of what I assumed to be nuclear bombs, which were in various stages of development. I couldn't believe my eyes. HYDRA had been able to make multiple high-tech bombs and back in the states, the Manhattan Project was still ongoing. We kept walking until an unmanned workbench came into sight. There was a glowing circular ring on the table, surrounded by what seemed to be high-tech hand grenades. Steve and I both grabbed one, looked at it, and then shoved them in our pockets.

“Steve, I think the entrance to the basement cells is this way,” I whispered, pointing over to a set of stairs a few feet away from us. We sprinted to them and started down. After making it down three flights the stairwell opened up to a large dark room with bared holes in the floor. “This is where they are being kept. There’s one guard in here, so you take him and I’ll go down to the next floor.” Steve nodded. Slowly he crept up behind the guard and I turned to go down to the next floor where the cells were located. I heard the guard fall and the jingle of keys as Steve took the guard out.

“Throw the keys down and I’ll start unlocking the cells,” I called out and jogged down the line of cells to where Steve stood, staring down through the bars. He tossed the keys down to one of the men and they handed them to me after I put my pistol back in its holster. I unlocked a few of the doors before I took the other keys off the chain and handed them out to some of the soldiers so they could help free the others faster. When they were all out of the cells I made my way to where Steve was.

“Is there anyone else? We’re looking for a Sergeant James Barnes.” Steve questioned the men around him.

The one in a red beret spoke up, “There’s an isolation ward somewhere here in the factory, but no one has ever come back from it.”

“Okay men, the tree line is northwest, about 80 yards past the gates, after that follow the creek to the clearing. You need to get out fast. We will meet you there when we get everyone we can find out,” I order out to the group of men.

“Do either of you know what you’re doing?” asked one of the men at the front.

“Sure we do, I’ve knocked Adolf Hitler out over 200 times.” Steve started then turned to run back to the stairs and I followed suit.

Tag list:

@ginger-swag-rapunzel

@underc0vercryptid-reads

[wherestoriescomefrom]

Hey, I have an academia aesthetic tumblr((not Desi, it's kinda exclusive , I do talk about my desi identity but mostly i post yk English/Italian photos)) , and I post, about my academics their, what I'm reading and learning (mostly stem). I do like cottagecore as well.

So, I read your post and I do not understand it. I am well aware of the casteism and I am not ignorant but I don't understand that what's wrong with this.

I just happen to like aesthetic, fuck colonisers but their architecture be good, yes, so is Indian architecture but I'm just liking that more these days so what is the problem.

I'm privileged, very, but I feel like a piece of shit since your post, I do not understand.

I am acknowledging it that so many people do not get to study and I'm not romanticizing it, I'm just talking about my life, and how I read and love to read and it is indeed a celebration of a "privilege" but what do i do? Not do this? Idk man? Idk

man i regret making that post. okay i reblogged it lately with more of an explanation, and here's the pull quote: "okay i was. in a mood the night i wrote this and i just wanted to say that i wish i had framed this with less anger and more gentleness. this was more of a personal rant, which has made it into the circles it speaks of. but for what its worth: i don’t actually have a right to be angry over this. i am UC, and as such, gentleness should come with my privilege. most of all, i wanted to apologise because this post makes it look like im not a part of this culture, which isn’t true. it isn’t as if i haven’t made posts about bollywood, or uncritically used the word “desi.”

i know this kind of online culture gives people joy. i have just seen too much of it which engaged uncritically, without acknowledging the wide wealth of history that is not uppercaste or north indian. (i think seeing another reclist with jhumpa lahiri on it did it for me. i’m sorry, i really dislike her as a writer… for personal reasons). i just wanted to express my problems with the version of india this kind of aesthetic produces, and provide context for my thoughts."

secondly. i know i'm not obligated to tell you what this means, but here goes nothing. often times, i feel, as UC people, we have a lot more access to global rhetoric. as such, being on very american spaces like tumblr, we get to talk to people outside of the mainland about our aesthetic, which is more often than not UC. the aesthetic that is used here makes me deeply, deeply uncomfortable mostly because of the sheer amount of labour that it glosses over. who do you think built the mughal buildings? do you remember the old story about the taj mahal, that shah jahan cut the labourer's hands after it was complete? for that matter, who do you think stitches the elaborate lehengas, the detailed zari work, and everything else it entails? it isn't us. we don't even pay a fair price for it. what makes me angry is that while there is more and more of an awareness of the inherent colonialism in dark academia, there is just not the same amount of awareness for casteism in indian academia. especially when brahmanism literally means that others don't get to study. idk, you can listen to Anurag Minus Verma's podcast on this, or maybe Buffalo Intellectual's. both good.

the aesthetic wouldn't even bother me so much if it wasn't for the rec lists. look, as upper caste people who have global audiences on tumblr, people pay attention to us. we're articulate, soft spoken, savarna. when i see reclists that regurgitate the same five indian authors as the be-all and end-all of south asian writing, i don't like it mostly because i know some non-indians are going to find it and think the same thing. it feels like such a disservice to the VARIETY of GOOD South Asian writing out there!!! i don't want to self promote, but here. i wrote a reclist a few weeks ago.

lastly. i don't actually care. you can engage with this aesthetic if you like, you can choose not to after this post, you can choose to engage with it more critically, do whatever you like. my intention was never to make people feel bad about what brings them joy. i don't think i was ranting for any reason except for my own, and i wish i'd either a) been gentler in what i was saying b) hidden the criticism from people who like leaning into this kind of online presence.

i don't care in the same way that i don't care about dark academia as a whole. it's imperialism, but it affects me very little as a mainlander. same with #desiaesthetic. it's more for nris than it is for me, and i can assure you, no one living in india actually cares either. i don't wanna say im involved in politics, but as someone with some experience of just student politics and indian academia, it's not like any of us sit and get mad at desi dark academia moodboards. as such, engage with it in whatever way makes you happy. me ranting to myself shouldn't affect your happiness, because you don't know me, and i might be a terrible person for all you know. who am i to pass judgement on what you do? i have no horse in this race. i do not make moral judgements on how you should engage with your media, that's entirely up to you.

i hope this answer made you feel better, genuinely. i don't want anyone to feel bad about the things i say, it was never my intention to do that. rest easy, sleep well, enjoy what you like in whatever way you like it.

unironically, love,

[allthingshetalia]

Omg can we get an ask like the one about gil being bff with the reader but instead with mattie and alfie? like shes bffs with mattie and returns alfie's feelings uwu thank! ♥♥♥

💕💕💕💕

The American winced as he came down the stairs, the familiar feeling of jealousy boiling in his stomach.

You were laying on the couch with his brother, your legs sprawled out over his lap. Mathews arm laid over your thighs as both of you stared at the show playing too engrossed in it to even know he was there. Rolling his eyes he hopped off the last step and walked past the TV into the kitchen.

“Hey Allie.” You mumbled, using his nickname. That little recognition made the jealousy die down slightly. He mumbled ‘hi’ back before digging around the cabinets to find something to snack on. Loud laughing was heard from the other room and he made the mistake of looking. You were clinging onto Mathews arm as wave after wave of laughter fell upon you both. Before he could stop himself he slammed the cabinet door shut, grabbing a bag of chips and marching up the steps.

“What was that about?” You whispered after the Americans door slammed shut. The Canadian shrugged his large shoulders.

“I don’t know. He probably lost to Gil In PUBG.” Mathew chuckled. You looked at him with concerned eyes.

“I know but it always freaks me out when he is angry. I mean, when he does shït hits the fan.” You whispered. Mathew nodded his head in agreement.

“You should go talk to him. He is in love with you afterall.” Mathew urged, nudging you with his elbow. You pushed him away playfully a blush across your cheeks.

“Whatever.” You sighed. Yes you knew about the Americans crush on you. It happened when you walked in on the two brother fighting.

✨flashback✨

“This is exactly like you! You always have to one up me. I can’t just have one thing to myself!” Mathews yelling made you stop in your tracks. You were in the foyer of their home, and you could see Mathew and Alfred standing in the livingroom. Alfred had his back turned to you, but Mathew was facing you. He didn’t see you yet.

“I can’t help my feelings! It has nothing to do with you! That’s the problem you take everything so personally!” Mathew rolled his eyes at the American. You could see both men’s shoulders shaking slightly and they looked like they were about the jump over the couch to wrestle one another.

“No! It definitely does had something to do with me. You’re just jealous That someone is finally paying attention to me instead of you!” Mathew yelled. You jumped a little at the loudness of his voice. Alfred groaned on annoyance and rubbed at his face harshly.

Your mind was reeling. Who were they talking about. You wondered for a quick second if it was you, but you quickly brushed the thought away. There’s no way Allie could like you! But you couldn’t deny the fluttering feeling that arose on your stomach at the thought.

“I love her okay! What do you expect! She’s around here 24/7. We spend holidays together, birthdays together! You think I’m not going to grow attached to her! I know it sucks because she’s your best friend, but I can’t stand around and watch her eventually be with someone else! Wouldn’t that be better? Her dating me instead of some asshole that doesn’t see how amazing she truly is? She is obviously still going to be your best friend and I won’t get in the way of that, I promise. But I need her to know how I feel.” Alfred’s voice had died down to a normal tone as he spoke. Your body froze.

‘I know it sucks because she’s your best friend.’ Those words rang over and over in your head. You were Mathews best friend. There was no doubt about it. Your eyes were trained on the Canadian wondering what he would say.

“What happens if you two break up? I’m not going to stop seeing her. She has been my best friend for 7 years! You don’t get to ruin that.” Mathew was stern. His arms crossed over his chest as he looked at his brother intensely.

“If we broke up- which we won’t. Then I promise I won’t make her uncomfortable.”

“What is she doesn’t return your feelings?”

‘I do.’ You though quietly to yourself.

“Then I’ll make sure to make myself scarce. I want her to be comfortable and safe just as much as you do.” Alfred sighed. Mathew eyed him up and down suspiciously.

“I know you’re my brother, but she’s my best friend. I don’t want either of you getting hurt.” Mathew trailed off. Alfred nodded his head.

✨End flashback✨

A little while after that Alfred had gone back upstairs and Mathew saw you peaking your head around the corner. You two both had a long discussion about how all of you felt and you both decided you weren’t going to pay any attention to it unless Alfred confessed. It’s been a month and he hasn’t yet.

“Go up and talk to him.” Mathew pressed, smirking down at you.

“Are you sure?” You asked. “I don’t want him to snap at me and we are in the middle of our show.” You reasoned. Mathew laughed and ruffled your hair.

“Maple, Go talk to him.” The Canadian cupped your chin with one hand, ensuring you looked him in the eyes. “We both know what this is about.” You smiled softly and nodded your head, hopping up from the couch.

You darted up the stairs and made your way to the door with the large American flag painted on it. You brought your hand up and knocked loudly. The door quickly opened and the American looked down at you with a smile. Good so he isn’t still mad.

“Is it because I slammed the doors? Sorry about that, Gil beat me at PUBG again.” You could tell the American was lying. You shrugged and motioned your hand asking if you could come in. Alfred quickly opened the door allowing you to come in. You had only been in his room a select number of times. He had a navy blue bed spread and a red rug/pillows. He had his comic book collection framed and put on display and he had a huge bookshelf filled with movies and video games. His bathroom door was closed and he quickly shut his closet door as soon as you walked in. His room was surprisingly clean except for a few soda cans on his gaming desk and on his window sill.

You plopped down on the bed, and he quickly sat next to you.

“I have a feeling you’re going to tell me something bad.” Alfred sighed. He leaned back and rested his head against the wall. You smiled nervously and twiddled your fingers.

“I don’t think it’s bad, and I hope you don’t either.” Your voice came out a little quieter than you intended. You took a few deep breath and looked at the American who was staring at you with wide, concerned eyes. You bit your lip trying to find the right words. Alfred leaned forward and gripped your hand assuringly. That gave you the small boost of confidence you needed.

“I like you, a lot.” You smiled. You quickly adverted youe eyes away from him and chose to look at the floor. Your face was suddenly cupped by to large hands and you were forced to look at Alfred. His eyes gleamed and he had a soft smile on his face.

“Like-Like?” He questioned. You rolled your eyes and nodded your head.

“I’m practically in love with you.” You cringed as that came out, covering your mouth. Alfred laughed and pressed you against his chest, tucking you under his chin.

“I’m practically in love with you too- well no, I am in love with you, but don’t worry you’ll get there too.” He chuckled, kissing the top of your head. “What about Matt?” He whispered, after a while. You snuggled deeper into his chest and looked up at him. He rested his forehead against yours looking down at you expectantly. You blushed as his blue eyes sparkled down at you with such raw emotion.

“We talked about it. He’s mostly okay with it. But I am still going to be spending a lot of time with him.” You warned.

“I wouldn’t want you not to spend time with him.”

[spencerreidshortstories]

Daddy Issues?

Description:  this is a continuation from the last part. She opens up a lot due to the fact that she's on pain medicine. The college graduation part of this actually happened to me and I just thought I'd add it in.

Rating: Teen

Warnings: None really.  She’s on medicine, but she is in the hospital, so . . . there is that.  Talk of negligent parenting and trust issues because of it.

Also, for those interested I have a Stranger Things fan fiction in the works - Steve Harrington - and an American Horror Story fan fiction - Michael Langdon.  They are not one-shots but multi-chapter connected things.  Anyway, onto this one . . .

Spencer stayed with her during visiting hours and through the night. She was allowed one person to stay with her and she had chosen him. His friends had come by to see her, Garcia bringing a teddy bear and flowers, and then her friends had come by as well. None of them had stayed too long, mostly because she had started to become overwhelmed but also because she'd gotten a headache and started to feel nauseated from the head wound. It was normal for someone with a concussion to experience those things, so he wasn't that worried.

Spencer hated hospitals – germs, the weird lights, just everything about them was unsettling to him – but he'd found that he couldn't say no when she'd asked him to stay. Knowing she would need a ride home tomorrow he'd even offered to take a personal day.

"You shouldn't take a personal day just for that. There are probably other things you'd like to do."

"You're gonna be in a lot of pain tomorrow," he said. "I mean, you're not going to be able to use your arm really, and you're still going to have a headache – you might have that for a while. You need someone to take you home and I really don't mind taking a personal day and spending it with you."

"I . . . Okay."

Her cheeks took on a pink tint, which really showed up since her face was otherwise pale due to blood loss and shock – even though she claimed she was fine.

He hadn't really left her side since he'd gotten there even when she had drifted in and out of sleep between other people visiting. He'd gotten up to go get food and coffee and that was it.

"Spencer?"

"Hm?"

"Thank you for everything. For coming when I called and staying because I asked you to. I'm – I'm really not used to that."

"What? Someone being a good friend?"

"No. A guy being nice to me without wanting something in return. I mean, even my dad doesn't really talk to me unless he needs something from me."

"I'm sorry. I, uh . . . never really knew my dad. He left when I was young and what I do remember isn't great. I think he wanted a more normal family."

"Oh. Well, that's on him. Not you."

Spencer still hadn't talked to her about his mother and all he'd gone through with that and he honestly didn't know when he should bring it up. He knew if he really wanted to be with her that he would have to be honest about it so that she wouldn't possibly be going into something blind, but now definitely wasn't the time to bring it up. He did know that.

"I think . . . I think the reason I like you so much is because you're, like, the exact opposite of my dad."

"Uh-oh. Latent daddy issues?" he teased.

She shook her head and laughed a little. "No. And don't make me laugh. It's not helping my head at all."

"Sorry, sorry." He smiled. "What did you mean then?"

"Well, just little things mostly, but you're already different in that the last time I was in the hospital my dad never even came to see me and he kind of got annoyed at me when I called him. I was still living with my grandmother at the time so he wasn't even that far away and he didn't come see me. Didn't ask how I was when I talked to him."

"I would never not come see you if you were in the hospital. And I'm never annoyed when you call me. I like hearing from you."

She went on as though he hadn't spoken, but he knew she'd heard him.

"He's always late. If he says he's going to be somewhere at a certain time, you can bet he's going to be at least an hour later than that. He has no time management skills at all. You've never kept me waiting – ever."

Spencer noticed that her voice was getting softer and he was sure she was going to talk herself to sleep. It was getting darker and the nurse had given her medicine to relax her, so it wouldn't be abnormal for her to fall asleep from it.

"You know, he even almost missed my college graduation. He knew the ceremony was at 11:00 and he waited until the morning of to go to the laundromat – the washer at his house was broken, and don't even get me started on how long it took him to get a new one. But anyway, it fits his pattern. He's late for everything – bills, insurance, even getting the tags on his car renewed, which meant I chauffeured him around a lot when I lived near him. He knew I would do it, so why bother?"

Now her voice was soft because she had tears in her eyes and was about to cry. Spencer realized the medicine must've made her thoughts and mouth a little looser. She'd never really talked about her dad before.

"I used to be afraid of him. He could get so angry, and I've never seen you angry. I mean, yeah, you've been upset, but you never shout or hit things or throw things."

Spencer's back stiffened as tension filled him. For one, he hoped she wasn't implying what he thought she was, and two . . . he hoped she didn't regret telling him this when the medicine wore off.

"He was angry a lot when I was a kid. But the worst was that you could do something one time and he'd be fine with it. The next time you do it, he would pitch a fit. I would walk on egg shells around him a lot of the time. I'm glad I didn't actually live with him. I mean, he never hurt me or anyone else, but he would still hit the wall or something, still scare us sometimes."

Spencer had no clue what to say to any of that and sometimes the best thing to do was just listen and not say a word, so that was what he did. He did, however, let himself process that she'd been through a form of mental abuse as a child – she probably didn't even consider it that. Victims of abuse sometimes didn't think of what they went through as abuse. Some even came to think of it as normal.

"He was really hard to get close to. I mean, you couldn't even have a conversation with the guy. He would stop talking to you if you didn't agree with what he said."

"I love talking with you," he said. "I wouldn't stop talking to you just because we don't agree on something."

Her not liking loud or sudden noises made sense now – not that sensory overload didn't make sense, but this could be another reason for it. She'd grown up around yelling and anger.

"And, to be honest, you're not someone I can imagine being mad at or not enough to shout at you. I don't get that type of angry. I don't want you to ever be afraid of me."

"I never have been," she said. "Despite you being a profiler, you're pretty open emotionally . . . or at least you have been with me.

"I have," he agreed. It was almost disconcerting to him. "Anything else I need to clarify?"

"I don't know. I – he never physically left my mom, but sometimes it was like he did. He would go years without a job and she'd have to make do on a minimum wage job – retail or something like that and sometimes she'd have to not pay a bill just so they would have food on the table. And he was there. That's the thing. He was physically there, he just wouldn't be working or providing for his family, for my mom and my brother. It used to make me so mad and I wasn't even living with them."

Her dad sounded like he had a classic case of the Peter Pan Syndrome and had never wanted to grow up. He imagined her dad had never had to answer for anything he'd done as a child and so didn't know how to take responsibility for anything.

"I don't mind taking care of you," he said softly, "if you'll let me."

She didn't respond vocally, but she did let a small smile grace her lips even as a few more tears fell down her cheeks.

"I think you should sleep," he said. "I think the medicine is making you say things you might not have."

"Probably. But I'm glad I'm saying it to you and not someone else."

She calmed herself down and closed her eyes, but she still didn't sleep. He knew because a few minutes later she was looking to him again.

"Can I hold you hand again?" Her voice was quiet and a little hoarse even. "I know you don't, you know, really do that, but you let me earlier."

He pressed his lips together to keep from grinning and offered up his hand.

"Apparently I don't mind with you."

"Hm." She slipped her hand over his and slid her fingers between his. "I will consider myself special then."

"Very special.

It didn't take long for her to go to sleep once she decided to stay quiet for more than a few minutes. He stayed there in the chair beside her that night. Not that he'd been planning on leaving, but after her confessing all of the things she had he would've stayed with her anyway. He would not have left her to feel vulnerable when she woke up the next morning.

In a way, he was glad she'd opened up to him. In a completely different way, he wasn't, because he now felt he really had to open up to her too – especially since he was feeling a certain type of way about her. There were parts of his past he was scared to share with her – things that had nothing to do with his mom at all and more to do with his job and things that had come about because of his job.

She would have to know about them before he let her know how he felt about her because it seemed she felt for him at least some of what he was feeling for her.

He would have to be honest with her.

[demivampirew]

Keep Calm and Go to London chapter 24

Synopsis: This is the story of (y/n), a successful actress,   musician, musical producer and songwriter. After battling depression and  breaking up a long relationship, she seeks for a change of air,   escaping LA for a while going to visit some friends in London and there   she meets Henry. -Disclaimer: some chapters are mostly smut.

Previous Chapters in the masterlist

Triggers: talking about sex (daddy kink) (NOT SMUT😁🤣) - I think that’s the only trigger- I think.

Tag list:  Here’s the incredible people who showed me support (thank  you    so  much for that) and people who asked  me to tag them too  ☺️   (I    think  I will write a few chapters of  this story, if you want me to  tag     you, tell me ☺️   ) @cavillanche @mary-ann84 @henry-owns-these-tatas @yespolkadotkitty @dancingwendigo   constip8merm8      penwieldingdreamer iloveyouyen  littlefreya  wondersofdreaming     alyxkbrl solariumss  sweetybuzz25 @thethirstyarchive @agniavateira   @honeyloverogers @hell1129-blog   @lunedelorient​  @michelle-1185​  @madbaddic7ed​     @summersong69​

Good morning, daddy! - you said entering the kitchen, in a sexy tone.- What an amazing night. - you added as you approached him and kissed him. He became red as a tomato and his eyes were wide open. You looked at him confused and then you heard someone cough and laugh. You turned your head to the side and saw that in the kitchen island was the laptop open in the zoom app and there was Charlie, Henry's younger brother, with whom your boyfriend was chatting before you appear. You blushed as well and laughed. - Oh, hi Charlie! - you greeted - I would say good morning, but it's more than clear that it is, in fact, a good morning for you! - he joked. Oh, the audacity. - Would it help to clarify that I only call him daddy as a joke because his fans call him daddy all the time on Instagram? - Sure.- he laughed even harder. - It's true. I'm not really into the daddy kink... I'm more into him being the naughty boy I have to punish. - you said, grinning and winking at your lover's brother. Henry became red as a lobster. Poor shy boy. - Too much information. I'm sure the rest will love to hear that, specially Simon.- Charlie pointed out. - Charlie, I love you, but if you say a word of this to the others, I'll Superman your ass out of this planet. - Henry warned him. You looked at him confused by the threat and Henry explained that was a joke related to a sketch he made for Jimmy Kimmel Live a few years ago. You chuckled. - Don't worry. I won't say a word. I promise. - Charlie assured him. - Even if he says something you shouldn't worry babe, you were amazing, it's not something you should be embarrassed about, you should be proud of your awsomeness.- you said and winked. - Ok, TMI, baby, TMI. - he said grinning. - Alright. I'll shut up. - you promised. Then, you grabbed the avocado toast your boyfriend made you and some tea and went into the living room to take your breakfast and leave him so space to talk to his brother in peace. You picked up your laptop and checked for mails and to see if your band members had finished recording their parts for the new song you were working on, so you could put it all together. You checked your social network as well, and people were still going crazy about the news of your relationship. You curiously entered your name's hashtag and it was full of news about you and Henry and the paparazzi pictures from the day before and everyone sharing their opinions. You were surprised by how many people like the idea of you two being together. Some fans were angry but less than you expected. Other were rather worry than mad. You saw an account share a piece of video from an interview in which Henry said that his biggest dream in life was to start a family and with that video, she shared other in which you said to Ellen Degeneres that you didn't want to have kids and how angry it made you that when you said that you did not want kids, people would ignore your opinion and just comment "You're young, you'll change your mind". You sighed. You couldn't blame them for being worried. They just wanted him to be happy and starting a family being his biggest dream were words that came from his mouth. You wanted to tell them that they shouldn't worry. You wanted to let everyone know that you'd let him be if you couldn't give him what he wanted so badly, but at the same time, you knew it was better to say nothing. You didn't own anyone any explanation. It was something between you and Henry. It was nobody else's business. You needed to learn to respect yourself better. A little after that, Henry called you from the kitchen and you went there. He wanted to ask you what you wanted for lunch. You indicated that you were ok with anything he wanted to prepare and apologized if he was uncomfortable with the things you said to his brother before and he smirked and kissed you, assuring you he found that amusing and he and Charlie had a good laugh about it. - People are going insane on the internet about us. - you commented - I know, I saw it myself.- he admitted - Your fans are worried because I said in the past that I didn't want kids. - you sighed. - Don't let it bother you. This is something that only should concern the two of us and nobody else. I'm a big man, I know what is best for me.- he told you and then kissed you. - So you are still ok with people knowing about us? - you questioned - Are you kidding? I'm a legend. Superman got the Hollywood Superwoman! - he exclaimed.- Everyone is wondering how the hell I managed to get you to date me.- he said proudly - Haha, very funny! I'm the lucky one, sir! Look at you, Greek God, you're a piece of art. How could anyone be surprised I'd lost my mind over you.- you replied, grabbing his waist and kissing him. He smiled and pressed his forehead against yours. - So you asked me if I was ok, what about you? Is ok with you that people know about us? - he wondered. - Absolutely. I like being the bitch everyone envy because the hottest and sweetest guy in Hollywood and the world is dating her. I love the fact that people know your heart is mine and mine is yours.- you affirmed and he smirked while stroking your face. - So, you think we should make it official? - you asked - Is it official already? - he questioned confused. - Not technically; not until one of us confirmed it.- you pointed out and he put his best "Well, would you look at that" face. -Sure, how you want to do it? - I have an idea on the mind- you replied smirking devilishly. So you went into the living room and put on Taylor Swift's "London Boy" to play aloud and started to record yourself lip-syncing some parts of the song.

(...) But something happened, I heard him laughing I saw the dimples first and then I heard the accent They say home is where the heart is But that's not where mine lives

You know I love a London boy I enjoy walking Camden Market in the afternoon He likes my American smile Like a child when our eyes meet, darling, I fancy you Took me back to Highgate, met all of his best mates So I guess all the rumours are true You know I love a London boy Boy, I fancy you (ooh)

And now I love high tea, stories from uni, and the West End You can find me in the pub, we are watching rugby with his school friends Show me a grey sky, a rainy cab ride Babe, don't threaten me with a good time They say home is where the heart is But God, I love the English

That last line earned a huge smile on your part.

You know I love a London boy I enjoy nights in Brixton, Shoreditch in the afternoon He likes my American smile Like a child when our eyes meet, darling, I fancy you Took me back to Highgate, met all of his best mates So I guess all the rumours are true You know I love a London boy Boy, I fancy you.

You posted the video on your Instagram feed and added some highlighted lines from the lyrics. "So I guess all the rumours are true You know I love a London boy Boy, I fancy you."

People went crazy with your post. Your friend Taylor left many hearts on the comments. But the comment that stood out was Henry's: " 😳🤯😍 🥰❤️❤️❤️ 🇬🇧 ". That made you feel incredible. The fact that he did not care about people's opinions and would proudly show affection to you in front of the world made you incredibly happy. For the first time, you experienced what being loved unconditionally felt like.

[purplesurveys]

1040

survey by amandahudson48

When's the last time you said you were sorry? Maybe last Friday or yesterday? I haven’t been replying to Andi because I was in a slump, then when I was finally able to get back to them I made sure to apologize first and explain why it took me a while to respond.

Have you done anything interesting in the last week? I got to dine in at a restaurant again after nine months last Monday, and I brought my parents to treat them as well. The three of us had ramen, then I also treated them to frozen yogurt after. It felt nice to be out, but we also headed to a mall Gab and I used to regularly go to so everything ended up being too difficult to process and I was fighting tears the whole time at the ramen place.

Are there any songs you listen to everyday? I don’t think so. There have been a lot of days where I’ve avoided music altogether.

What do you consider a waste of time? Having to manually go to a government office nowhere near your house to queue for an ID or document when it could be done digitally, but you can’t and have no choice anyway because the agency’s website isn’t even working. In short, welcome to the Philippines where the government can steal billions but can’t maintain their own damn websites.

How do you react to stress? I tend to have a shorter fuse around people. So that I don’t accidentally lash out on anyone, I’ll bring myself to work on autopilot until I get a task done. If I find time to myself, I cry in private for a few minutes because stress sucks; then I try to dust myself off and get back to working.

Have you ever considered what you would do in certain life/death sitches? Sometimes. My game plan for the most part is to simply scream at the top of my lungs to rouse attention, but I’ll never really know what I’ll do unless something actually takes place. I have a track record of being scared frozen when scary men have approached me in the past, so idk if I will have it in me to scream in a life or death situation.

Have you ever gone mud riding? No. Photos don’t look too appealing mostly because I’m not into vehicles and driving them on unconventional terrain lol, but I mean I would still give it a shot at least once.

Do you edit your photos? Just sometimes, if I mean to show off or promote someone/something to my mutuals; like the time I promoted my uncle’s business when he gave me a free cheesecake. I usually use the VSCO or Foodie apps.

What kind of cookie do you like the most? Chocolate chip cookies that are crispy on the outside and gooey inside; and dark chocolate macadamia cookies.

Do you enjoy working alone? Sure, though I don’t mind the occasional groupwork.

Is there anyone you're not over and feel like you never will be? Yes, I’m in exactly the same place I found myself at five years ago.

Do you like long or short surveys? Medium-length, so like anywhere between 40-70 questions is the perfect length for me.

How often do you listen to your iPod? I used to listen to it everyday because I brought it with me throughout middle school and the first half of high school. When iPods slowly went out of style in junior year, I started using it less frequently.

What kind of house do you want? Something modern and minimalist; I’d like it to be predominantly rectangular or square in shape with large windows. I do also want a brutalist style for myself but I might have to give that up if I ever end up with a family, as I don’t want my kids thinking their own home looks aloof and unapproachable.

Would you like living on the coast? It sounds like paradise. Yeah, absolutely.

What song was the last you listened to? To Let A Good Thing Die - Bruno Major. Then I got really sad and had to stop listening to music altogether and scramble to watch something hilarious on YouTube.

When's the last time you were really late to something? Last week, for a meeting with a client :/ I wasn’t accustomed to my weekly calls just yet and ended up attending a 4:30-5 PM meeting at 4:57, right when it was ending, because I thought it started at 5. It was embarrassing and my manager was rightfully jokingly mad at me.

Do you prefer to take back roads or the highways? Highways as much as possible, but if I’m stuck in traffic and if it looks like I wouldn’t be able to get to my destination on time then I ask Waze to guide me through backroads.

How do you spell your name without consonants? Rbyn or Rbn, depending on what you consider y to be.

What's the last movie you watched? Uhhh it was still That Thing Called Tadhana but it’s been a while. I mainly watch a Korean drama titled Start Up these days.

What would you like your generation to change? The people society votes into office. Young Americans seem to be leading the charge on this front, which is so so great. Meanwhile in my country Manny Pacquiao is planning for his 2022 presidential campaign and we are once again fucked because voter’s literacy is so fucking low that I actually see a possibility of him winning. Migrating has never sounded more attractive.

Do you use your cell phone a lot? Yeah, it’s beside me with the screen turned on nearly the entire day.

When's the last time you saw an ocean wave? Not sure about an ocean wave, but the last time I saw a wave in general (we were at a beach) was August 2019.

How long can you hold your breath? Maybe a minute max? I haven’t had to try in a while.

Would you rather work behind the scenes or be the star? Behind the scenes. I loathe the spotlight and I’ve never been the performing type, and I always hated it whenever I’ve had to perform in school or for a family function. It’s also why, as fun as hosting looks like as a career, and as much as I know I would’ve been decent in it if I tried, it was just ultimately never the path for me.

Are you a sore loser? Yeah, I hate it. I’m competitive to the bone, which personally sucks too because it’s hard for me to enjoy games lol. I make it easier for the playing crowd by just watching at the sidelines so that I don’t ruin things for them.

When's the last time you used a pair of scissors? Yesterday when I was doing embroidery.

What was the last word you thought? I mean...’embroidery,’ I guess, since I typed it last before reading this question.

Is it easy to make you angry? It takes me a while to explode.

Have you wondered if other people wonder what you’re thinking? No.

Do you sing a lot? When I’m alone and am certain no one can hear, yes.

Do you think you have an addictive personality? Uh no, not really. I like keeping a certain distance with everyone I interact with. As nice as I can be, I try to make sure my personality isn’t the type that would ~leave people wanting more~ so to speak.

Which affects us more: our genes or the environment in which we're raised? For me, it’s the environment. Genes are strong too, but they’re already there; they’re given, they’re constant, they’re wired into each person. The fact that people can still be constantly affected depending on what kind of situation they’re in says much about the capabilities of being raised in a certain environment. For instance, I know for sure I would’ve ended up being more emotionally stable if I was provided with a healthier, gentler upbringing.

Why do you believe that? Oops, I may have already answered it above.

Honestly, do you enjoy arguing? Nah. Watching others do it can be fun, but I avoid them myself.

Do you prefer to use tape or glue? Tape. More secure.

Do you see routine as a comfort or a rut? Comfort. I do like bursts of spontaneity every now and then, though.

When's the last time you cried? Last night. I wanted to this morning, but I already did so much heavy crying last night that I just gave myself a break today.

Do you believe that love can get you through anything? No. I know that now.

What do you wish you had more of? Money is always a good answer. Also, weekends.

If you HAD to change one thing about your best friend, what would it be? I wish Angela lived nearer, so that it’s easier to visit. I wish Gabie wasn’t so selfish.

Have you ever gone to sleep mad? It’s harder that way, lol. But I mean yeah I guess I’ve felt angry while trying to go to bed; it’s just that I usually use certain outlets so that I could calm down and fall asleep more easily.

Do you like your computer? I love it. Even though it’s an older Macbook Air I have no plans to replace it; it’s still so low-maintenance and reliable after all this time.

Which theory do you wish but perhaps not believe was true about afterlife? This is a good question and something I always wish was verbalized more. For me, it’s the idea of reuniting with all your deceased family, friends, and pets in death. That has always given me comfort, but I don’t necessarily cling to it.

Is there anyone that you truly could not live without? I can think of one such person, but we’ll see if it holds true.

[calumance]

Sunshine (best friend!calum AU) - Part 2

Warnings: cussing? Love me some friend fluff.

Summary: After Amelia finally feels like she has made a good friend at school, she suddenly feels deserted. However, that doesn’t matter when she has people like Calum in her life.

Word count: 3k

A/N: I love thinking about what it would be like if I had grown up with Calum and the rest of the guys, I really enjoy writing, and editing this story, so I hope you guys enjoy it too!! ❤️🥰😘

Part 1

           Amelia stared at herself in the mirror, debating with herself if her outfit was too dressed up, or too casual. She’d already changed outfits three times and she had landed on a navy blue and white striped hoodie, with a white tank top underneath, jean shorts and some white converse. She even wore her hair down for once. A breath escaped her chest deciding she looked too casual, but the knock on her door told her she was too late to change again. Her mom poked her head through the door and informed Amelia that Veronica and her mom were waiting outside, pausing to make a comment on how Amelia looked. Hearing her mom comment on her outfit solidified that she wanted to change, but instead she just thanked her mom and headed for the door, throwing her cross-body bag over her head.

           Veronica smiled at Amelia in astonishment when she got in the car. “In the few short months that I have known you, I have yet to see you with your hair down. You have beautiful hair!” Veronica reached over and ran her fingers through Amelia’s hair. If Amelia hadn’t grown accustomed to Veronica, Amelia would’ve lost her mind, but Amelia liked Veronica, so she let it slide. Her hand lifted from her lap and tucked her hair behind her ears and thanked her friend. Mrs. Waters asked Amelia for the address and the drove off. Amelia stared out the window and watched as the car zipped past houses upon houses. It looked like home, Amelia thought, it just didn’t feel like home. Not yet, at least.

           The car stopped and Mrs. Waters announced their arrival. Veronica jumped out of the car first. Amelia hesitated and then thanked her friends mom for the ride. “Of course, just let me know when to come get both of you. Have fun!” Amelia fake smiled and crawled out of the car and followed Veronica up to the door. Veronica was way more outgoing than Amelia was, at first Amelia wrote it off as it was that she’d been here her entire life, but now Amelia just knows that she was never that outgoing, and that’s why they were able to be such good friends; opposites attract. It also explained why Veronica had no hesitation ringing the doorbell, but Amelia suddenly felt sick. The click of the door unlocking caused Amelia’s heart to jump out of her chest. Her hands gripped the strap of her bag and held her breath until the door opened.

           The door swung open and Amelia let out her breath seeing the bright smile she recognized. Calum was wearing a gray pull over and black skinny jeans and some black and white vans. His black hair tucked under a beanie, except for the very front so that his bangs were poking out. Amelia’s heart skipped a few beats as he started to speak, “Hi Veronica, Hi Amelia, come on in.” Calum moves off to the side and both girls walk into the house. Amelia trying to hide her obvious nervousness. “Make yourselves at home, we’re just watching some movies, nothing really that exciting.” Veronica ran over to the couch and plopped herself down, saying hi to the guys she’s been going to school with for a long time. “You can put your bag right over there, if you want.”

           Amelia was surprised by Calum’s voice, thinking that he had left her standing in the door way. “Oh, thanks.” Amelia took her bag off her body and set it in the spot Calum had told her to place it. Calum gave Amelia a reassuring smile, and then walked toward the couch. After taking a quick look around, Amelia walked over to the group and sat down next to Veronica. No one said anything for a while until Amelia finally grew tired of the dryness in her throat. “Uh, Calum, could I get a glass of water?”

           “Oh, yeah, of course, follow me.” Calum stood up and Amelia followed quietly behind him. Veronica shared a look with Amelia, silently telling her to flirt with him, but that wasn’t what Amelia wanted. Sure, he was super cute, but mostly she just wanted another friend. As much as she loved hanging out with Veronica almost every single day, having someone else to hang out with would be nice. Calum grabs a glass out of the cabinet and fills it with ice and water. As he hands it to Amelia, he smiles. She takes the glass and takes a giant swig. “So, you moved here from America? Where did you move from?”

           Amelia held the water in her mouth for a second, but then swallowed, “Colorado.” She took another drink needing to fill the silence due to her social awkwardness. Calum watched her, pulling his eyebrows together and pursing his lips. He was trying everything to try to figure her out, but she was such a closed book. All he wanted to do was get to know her better, be her friend, even if he did think she looked absolutely beautiful with her hair down. “Thank you for the glass of water.” Amelia set the glass down on the counter and Calum’s eyebrows pulled together even harder. He felt like her was about to burst trying to just get her to talk to him.

           He chuckled to himself, but more out of frustration, “I cannot read you.” Amelia pulled her eyebrows together and stared at Calum. “I invited you over thinking we could get to know each other, and be friends. I thought inviting your friend over as well would make you more comfortable, but you are one tightly closed book.” Amelia’s look softened and suddenly she felt like a jackass. She had been so stand off-ish since she had come to Australia, and it was all because she was mad at her parents. Instead of making friends and living a happy life, and honestly, just getting over it, she’s been making herself miserable. Apparently the first time realizing this wasn’t enough, realizing it a second time was.

           Amelia sighed and shifted her weight, “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be so closed off. My parents forced me to move here, and I’ve been angry about it ever since, and instead of being a normal person and just getting the heck over it, I’ve just held onto the anger. In turn, making me not only a closed book, but a locked one too.” She took a deep breath, realizing that she had kept that pent up for a little too long and looked at Calum, “Sorry, I guess I also didn’t realize how much I kept that pent up.”

           Calum chuckled. “it’s alright, no need to apologize. I just have seen you around school, and I thought it would be nice to get to know you outside of school.” His smile lit up the room, and the way he talked made Amelia’s heart race inside her chest, but she couldn’t help but wonder why he wanted to be her friend. What did he find so special about her of all the people at school? “Why were you forced to move here? Did your parents get a new job or something?” Before Amelia could answer, he turned to the refrigerator and pulled out a soda.

           As he cracked it open, Amelia tried to relax a little more. “My dad’s job transferred him here. My mom always went from job to job just trying to help support my dad, but nothing really serious. It was just in the past few days that she finally found a job. Being only 16, I was forced to come with them. I think, if I were old enough to make my own decisions, I would’ve stayed in Colorado. I love it there so much, and I really didn’t want to leave my friends. If they had waited two years, I would’ve been able to stay.” Amelia took a breath afraid she was opening up a little too much, but Calum ate up every word she was saying. He didn’t mind listening to her at all. In fact, he wanted to know more. He took another drink from his soda, keeping an eye on Amelia.

           “What part of Colorado are you from? Also, what’s your favorite thing about Colorado?” Calum moved so he was standing next to Amelia, and her scent filled his nose. She smelled like apples, maybe it was her perfume, or lotion, but it was a smell he never wanted to forget.

Amelia took a breath in as Calum moved into the empty space next to her, she reached up and tucked a strand of her hair behind her ears so she could see him better. “I’m from a little town about fifteen minutes away from downtown Denver. I think my favorite part of Colorado is during the spring and early summer, when the weather is nice. It’s just the right temperature that you can sit outside and just enjoy yourself. Even if it means you’re just sitting on your deck and enjoying the sounds, it’s nice.” She paused, remembering what the Colorado sun felt like on her skin. It felt like pure bliss, and it always made her skin tingle with joy. She smiled and looked at her feet, “And the mountains, the mountains are beautiful.” She started to feel a bit emotional thinking about everything she left behind, so she decided to divert the conversation, “Veronica told me you guys are in a band? What’s that like, have you played any cool shows or anything?”

Calum pulled his lips down and shrugged. “Our first show was in this place, there was only 12 people there.” He laughed and looked down, “I mean, otherwise, yeah it’s cool. I almost didn’t do it. I had a chance to have a really great football career, not American football. I went to Brazil to train, and two days after coming back, I dedicated myself to the band, gave up my football career.” He swallowed, as if he wanted to say more but instead he just shrugged and a silence fell over the two of them.

That’s how the rest of the afternoon went, the only thing that changed was their positions. Eventually the two found themselves sitting on the chairs that sat on the deck in Calum’s backyard. The two of them asking questions back and forth getting to know as much of each other as possible. The only thing that stopped them was Veronica sliding the door open and informing that her mom was there to take both of them home. Amelia didn’t want to go home, but she bid Calum a goodbye and headed out to the familiar vehicle Mrs. Waters always showed up in.

Before Amelia made her way down the front steps of Calum’s house, Calum stopped her, grabbing her hand, sending a bolt of lightning through Amelia’s body. She turned and looked at him, Calum dropped his hands and shoved them into his pockets, “My birthday is in a week and I was planning on throwing a party. Do you want to come? You can bring Veronica if you want.”

Amelia thought about it for a second. Looking at her best friend who was climbing into her mom’s car. Was it selfish to not want to invite her best friend? Maybe she’d invite her but politely explain that she doesn’t want her to come. Amelia looked back at Calum and smiled, “Yeah, we’ll be there. Same time, same place?” Calum nodded, excitedly. “Great, I’ll, uh, see you at school on Monday.”

           Monday couldn’t come soon enough. When Amelia got to school, she met up with Veronica as she did every morning and they made their way to their first class. The only strange thing was Veronica was acting as if Amelia’s presence was of great annoyance. When Veronica and Amelia walked through the door, Veronica bolted to her seat with the girls she always sat with in the morning. However, Calum’s face lit up. He pointed to the seat next to him and Amelia pointed at herself, slightly confused that he actively wanted her to sit next to him. Calum nodded as if she was acting crazy. Amelia took the seat next to Calum and glanced towards Veronica who was purposely ignoring Amelia’s existence, “How was the rest of your weekend?” Calum asked Amelia with a bright smile.

           “It was good. I didn’t do much, just sat in my room and listened to music. Talked to my friends back home. How was the rest of your weekend?” Calum returned his response, saying that he tried to write a few songs, but that was pretty much it. Before Amelia could ask Calum what he wrote, the class started.

Once class was over, Amelia went to meet up with Veronica but she darted out of the room, hiding between the girls she was sitting with. Amelia stopped, feeling like she did when she first started school here; wanting to hide and go back home. What did Amelia do to make Veronica act like this? A hand on the back of Amelia’s arm brought her out of her thoughts, “Want to walk with me to my next class?” Amelia nodded, feeling a warmth inside her, knowing there was at least someone who wanted her there. Amelia and Calum walked together, talking about things that didn’t really matter, but it was better than walking in silence. Once they got to Amelia’s class they said their goodbyes and Calum continued walking to his class.

It wasn’t until lunch time that they saw each other again. Amelia looked around the lunch room Veronica, the person she had sat with for lunch since she first came to this school. When Amelia spotted Veronica, she was sat at a full table with people who always gave Amelia nasty looks every time she even brushed past them. A sigh escaped from Amelia’s chest as she made her way outside and sat on the grass. “Hey there!” Calum nearly sang as he walked over to Amelia, with Luke and Michael in tow.

           Amelia placed her hand in front of her face to shield the sun as the boys sat next to her. “Hi.” She said simply, still a little hurt that her one and only friend was acting as if she didn’t exist. Calum scooted closer to her and smiled. Amelia tried to smile back, but instead just shoved food in her mouth. “Why is Veronica acting like I don’t exist?” Amelia finally said, a mouth full of food. Calum looked at her, a bit confused on why this was the topic of conversation. Amelia swallowed the bite she took. “She was the one I first opened up to, and now she’s acting like everyone else in this school. Like I’m an alien or something.”

           “I’ve known her since year 4 and she’s always been a part of the same girl group, and they’ve never really been the type of girls to let new people into their group. So, I was honestly surprised that she ever hung out with you.” Michael explained. Calum and Amelia stared daggers at Michael. Michael’s eyes widened and he shrugged, “What? It’s true, it’s nothing against you, Amelia, it’s just how she’s been the entire time I’ve known her. I’m saying that, Amelia, you shouldn’t be hurt be her suddenly deserting you. We’re better friends than she will ever be.” Amelia smiled and took another bite of food. She was certain she liked her new group of friends more than she liked her group of friends back home.

           At the end of the day, when Mrs. Waters was supposed to take Amelia home, Amelia found no trace of Veronica or Mrs. Waters anywhere. Motherfucker. Amelia understood deserting as a friend at school, but she couldn’t give her a warning that she wouldn’t have a ride home? Amelia fished her phone out of her pocket as the rage boiled in the pit of her stomach. Her fingers shakily scrolled through her phone to find someone she could call for a ride. Her mom was at work, and so was her dad. Finally, she landed on Calum’s name. The phone rang back to her a few times until Calum finally answered. “Hey, so, Veronica was usually the one to take me home, but since I don’t exist anymore, I got stranded. Are you still here?”

           “I’m sorry, Amelia. I had to leave early for something. Uh, maybe you could call Ashton and see if he can come pick you up?” Amelia shifted her weight and looked around. The school yard was almost cleared out, there wasn’t even a random person that she could ask to take her home. Amelia didn’t have Ashton’s phone number, and didn’t really feel like asking for it. “Tomorrow, I can give you a ride, though.”

           Her eyebrows raised, her thumb and index finger rubbing across her brow ridge, “Yeah, tomorrow sounds great. Thank you. Uh, have a good night, Calum. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Amelia hung up and looked at her phone for a few moments. It was a nice day out. Not too hot, and it rained over the weekend so it wasn’t as dry as it could’ve been. A sighed escaped Amelia’s chest as she realized she had no other choice but to walk home. The sooner she started walking, the sooner she’d get home.

           When Amelia got home, she was drenched in sweat and was ready to fight someone. She threw her backpack on the couch and jumped into a cold shower, hoping that not only would it cool her exterior, but her interior too. As the cold water hit her face, she thought about ripping Veronica a new one, but maybe it was the best to just leave it alone. At least if they weren’t friends anymore, that meant that Amelia didn’t have to bring Veronica to Calum’s birthday party with her. Amelia smiled at that, and was more excited than ever for Calum’s party.

[shysneeze]

Worth it (Steve Harrington x Reader)

WORTH IT 

Steve Harrington x reader (Past!Billy Hargrove x reader)

Request: Hii can you do a Steve Harrington where the reader use to date billy in Cali but moved to Hawkins and started dating Steve and doesn't tell him about her past with billy but then he finds out and gets mad cause the reader didn't tell him - @ versaceismehoe

A/N: This is probably shit. I'm all over the place this month- its one huge mental breakdown honestly- so bear with me. Hope this is good enough xx

Warnings: I'm Scottish, not American so I apologise if I’ve used British terms rather than American ones. Also I swear in it but what's new? Billy being a dickhead.

Moving during my senior year was in no way my idea. My mother said it was 'change', she needed 'change'- nothing to do with the fact she lost her job. So we packed up the house and moved to a strange town called Hawkins. I didn't complain too much. I did need a change and even if the move to a new school was going to be terrifying and stressful, it was going to be worth it.

Moving into Hawkins High School was stressful and scary and everything I expected but boy was it worth it.

My locker was conveniently right next to Steve Harrington's.

Steve is the reason my first day at school was less terrifying. Mostly because as he spoke to me, I couldn't tell who was more nervous. He blushed and stammered in a way I expected he didn't normally when talking to a girl. If it hadn't been for his down right awkwardness I would have just assumed him to be your usual dickhead jock- you know, what I usually date.

On our first date he proved himself to be far from it, though with a dark past of being one. He's told me all about 'King Steve' and his antics. A few months into dating he told me how he became the blubbering, flustered mess I know him as now. I know all about Nancy and though it took me meeting Eleven to believe, I know all about the upside down.

Steve is the best thing to come out of the move to Hawkins and now, five months together, I'm not sure what I'd do without him. There is only one issue.

Billy fucking Hargrove.

I moved out of California for change, not to run into my dickhead-jock ex boyfriend on my first day of school. We'd broken up a month before his family moved so I didn't exactly take the time to ask where he was moving to. How was I to know it was Hawkins?  

He'd smirked at seeing me and mentioned how funny it was to see me there while I resisted the urge to hit him. The rest of my time in Hawkins has been spent trying to avoid him and trying desperately to keep it all a secret from Steve.

I should have just told him as soon as we became serious- I certainly shouldn't have begged Max Mayfield, one of Steve's 'children', not to say a thing. Thankfully, Max and I always got on well and so the simple favour hasn't been problematic on her part- just on me for asking my ex's sister to lie to my current boyfriend for me.

I'd been concerned by how Billy himself seemed to be keeping it to himself but now I figure it was so he could pull this shit.

"Ah, (Y/N)." Billy calls from his place on the picnic table next to a few boys from the basket ball team as Steve and I walk to wards the school. "I was just talking about you."

I roll my eyes, squeezing Steve's hand as I continue to walk past, ignoring Billy. Steve however, come to a stop, turning with a glare to Billy who smirks triumphantly and my throat tightens.

"What the fuck do you want, Hargrove?" He spits.

"It doesn't concern you, Harrington." He says. "(Y/N), c'mere."

I sigh as I join Steve's side, hand on my hip and giving Billy a cold look.

"What?" I snap.

I watch, my heart racing anxiously as he hops off his seat on the table and comes forward, pulling a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and fiddling with one as he speaks.

"I was just telling the team about California." He explains, smirking at me. "About what I'd do in my spare time... you happened to come up."

"Could you politely fuck off?" Steve says.

"He doesn't do 'polite', Steve." I say. "We're going to be late to class."

"I don't recall you ever being so studious in Cali, (Y/N/N)."

"Billy..." I try to make it sound like a warning but my voice comes out as a plead.

"What?" Steve asks, hand slipping from mine. "You knew each other?"

"Oh, you didn't know, Harrington?" Billy scoffs. "Of course we knew each other- we knew a lot of each other if I recall correctly."

I tense as Steve turns to me, eyes wide and full of betrayal. My heart aches.

"What is he talking about?" He asks.

I bite my lip anxiously, trying to think of how I can say this.

"I even know of the freckle on her hip- have you noticed it?"

"Fuck off, Billy." I spit harshly.

"You slept with him, didn't you?" Steve gulps.

"We used to date." I admit.

He moves back from me and I want to cry.

"Why would you not tell me?" He ask angrily.

"I-I-" I stammer.

"How long for?" He moves on, eyes not able to meet mine. "How long did you date for?"

"On and off- five months maybe- I don't know but Steve-"

"You lied to me." He interrupts, his voice low with anger. "Why the fuck wouldn't you tell me?"

I go to explain again when Billy steps in.

"Calm down, Harrington." He laughs. "Just because you've got my sloppy seconds-"

There is a smack and Billy stumbles back, his cheek red where Steve's fist has connected to it.

"Fuck you." He snarls. "She's human being, dickwad."

My eyes widen at him, him defending me even though I've just broken his trust and I'm amazed by him for possibly the a hundredth time since I've gotten to know him. He truly is the best boyfriend I've ever had.

"You'll regret that." Billy growls, lunging at Steve.

I shriek as they both got tumbling to the ground, grunting as they both try to throw punches at each other.

"Stop!" I shout but neither listen.

Nothing I say gets them to stop swearing and fighting and a crowd forms around us. It's not until Jonathan Byers runs in and pulls Steve off of Billy that things calm down. Jonathan pulls him up to his feet with a grunt and I rush towards them, lifting my hand to push Steve hair out of his black eye when he pulls out of my touch.

"Don't fucking speak to me, (Y/N)." He spits.

He shrugs out of Jonathan's grasp and grabs his bag from the ground where he'd dumped it to lunge at Billy. The he's walking away from me and the crowd begins to dissipate. My eyes fill with tears.

"Are you okay, (Y/N)?" Jonathan asks.

I ignore him, moving toward Billy whose just pulled himself off the ground and I bring my own hand back before slapping it across his cheek.

"I hate you!" I cry. "What is wrong with you?"

He frowns at me as I begin to slam my fists against his chest, the thudding sound echos. I'm a mess, tears streaming down my cheeks ,

"I was finally happy." I spit. "Why do you always have to ruin that?"

This time it's me that Jonathan pulls away from Billy while I continue to hurl abuse at him. Jonathan turns me away from Billy before letting me go. I apologise to him and assure him I'm fine all through tears. He seems convinced and after checking to make sure Billy is gone, he makes his way into school.

.

I give Steve the whole to day to gather his thoughts and I meet him at his car at the end of the school day. I give him a sheepish look as he stops in his tracks at seeing me, glaring still.

"Can I explain?" I ask and he lets out a sigh, nodding.

"Get in, I guess."

I climb into the car with him and sit in silence for a second when he lets out a exasperated sigh.

"You know how badly that would hurt me after everything with Nancy."

"I know." I mumble. "I'm sorry."

I can feel the tears stinging my eyes again and I lift my legs and curl them into my chest, dropping my head onto my knees with a groan.

"I'm sorry." I repeat. "I just freaked when I saw him."

"Why wouldn't you just tell me, (Y/N)?" He sighs, sounding more upset than angry now. "Do you still have feelings for him?"

I hear him gulp as my head snaps back up and I stare at him with wide, teary eyes.

"No!"

"Well why else would you not tell me?" He asks.

"Because I didn't want you to think I'm just another one of those stupid girls that go out with Billy Hargrove." I sniffle, wiping my eyes of tears, only making way for more to fall. "I didn't want you to know I was stupid enough to actually think Billy cared about anyone other than himself!"

Steve jumps a little at the anger in my voice, eye brows raised in concern.

"He cheated on me god knows how many times and I kept making excuses for him and trying to convince myself he would get better and going back to him. Then he'd break my heart all over again." I explain. "I didn't need you to think I was so fucking stupid."

"You're not." He sighs, using his hand to push my knees down so he can see my tear stained face properly. "I'd never think you were stupid, (Y/N)."

His hand cups my cheek and he uses the pad of his thumb to swipe my tears away gently.

"I should have told you." I admit. "I just didn't want you to see me differently."

"You should have told me and I wouldn't have cared." He says softly.

"I don't have feelings for him- other than sheer rage." I hiccup. "Honestly, there isn't a world in which I would choose him over you, Steve... I love you."

He freezes and I think I may have ruined it completely. I've said it too soon and if my earlier antics haven't ruined our relationship, this, this has done it for sure. I feel more tears fall down my cheeks and he doesn't catch him.

Then, his other hand in cupping my cheek too and my face is being pulled towards his. Our lips crash together with an urgency I've never felt before and it takes me a moment to get over my shock to kiss back.

He pulls back, cheeks flushed and eyes as wide as they can be with one still badly bruised.

"I love you too." He gulps. "I'm sorry I should have asked if I could kiss you but I just- I love you too."

I let out a small, choked up giggle, shaking my head to assure him the kiss was okay.

"And I don't care about Billy." He assures, grin forming on his face as he flings his arms dismissively in the air. "Fuck him."

"Fuck him." I repeat with a laugh. "And thank you for defending my honour early even though you were pissed with me."

"Anything for you." He smiles.

Moving to Hawkins really has been worth it, if for nothing else, just for getting to fall for Steve Harrington.

[lingbooks]

Word by Word: The Secret Life of Dictionaries

What is your relationship with the dictionary? Personally, I’m currently sitting a few feet away from my copy of Webster’s Third, but I have to admit that I rarely open it. Instead, it sits on top of a chair in my bedroom, where it raises the height of the seat enough that I can sit on it and be at a better angle to play piano. I’m not the only one who doesn’t use print dictionaries much these days. Despite that, I think it’s safe to say that we, as a society, certainly see dictionaries as much more than expensive doorstops. After all, why are (often very outdated) dictionaries cited in Supreme Court cases—or the opening lines of many mediocre speeches? Why are people mad that the word irregardless is in the dictionary? Why, in 2009, did Merriam-Webster receive hundreds of angry emails from conservative hate groups complaining about the definition of marriage? Or, more benignly and bizarrely, why did someone once try to ask the Merriam-Webster editors how long love lasts?

The answer, as it turns out, traces back to marketing wars between Noah Webster and his protegé-turned-rival Joseph Worcester. As each man tried to get the American public to buy his book, their marketing teams also managed to convince the public that the dictionary is a “voice of authority.” But these days, Merriam-Webster’s lexicographers don’t want to make a statement. They simply want to define words as they are used, as Kory Stamper explains in her book Word by Word: The Secret Life of Dictionaries. Stamper, who was a lexicographer at Merriam-Webster for over two decades (and still worked there when this book was published in 2017), uses this book to walk readers through the process of how a dictionary is written. In early chapters, Stamper discusses how she became a lexicographer and what Merriam-Webster is like as a workplace. Near the end of the book, Stamper discusses her interactions with people who write to the editors. But most of the book focuses on how words are chosen for the dictionary and how each part of a dictionary entry, from the pronunciation to the etymology, is written.

Word by Word is a book that sets out to do a particular task and does it very well. This also means that it’s probably not a book for everyone. If you don’t think dictionaries are particularly interesting, there’s a good chance you won’t like it. Sure, it has plenty of fun facts and interesting historical anecdotes, but it is, in Stamper’s own words, a “worm’s-eye view” of lexicography. One chapter goes into some depth about how to define the word surfboard, and another details the struggles Stamper faced when she tried to separate out the dozens of different meanings of the word take. Stamper herself admits that she’s more interested in new potential meanings of the word of than by new buzzy words like mansplain. I also found myself stumbling over some of the denser quotations in the book, since Stamper pulls heavily from the 18th and 19th centuries, if not earlier, to talk about the history of lexicography. But if those warnings aren’t too off-putting, I think you’ll really enjoy Word by Word.

Reading Word by Word is also not a great way to learn about linguistics in general, but there’s so much to learn about lexicography specifically that that’s probably for the best. Yes, at various points, Stamper explains concepts, like dialects or the cot-caught merger, that are familiar to anyone with a linguistics background, but she goes on to explain how they matter in the context of writing a dictionary. For example, I personally know a fair bit about part of speech as a linguistic concept, but I never thought about how difficult it is to assign parts of speech in a dictionary with a limited set of labels. Similarly, I know a lot about the problems with prescriptivism and the reasons that we shouldn’t criticize people for using the word irregardless, but Stamper’s chapter on irregardless was one of my favorites in the book. Stamper recounts that she was shocked and horrified that irregardless was in the dictionary until she did some historical research. She then explains the complicated history of irregardless; it turns out it dates back well over a century (and has faced criticism for nearly as long), it’s primarily a feature of Southern English, and it actually means something subtly different from regardless.

Lexicography is a strange and difficult field. It’s also a field that I’ve come to respect a lot more after reading Word by Word. If you, like me, think dictionaries are cool, I’d highly recommend giving it a read. Even if you don’t use print dictionaries anymore, the next time you look up a word online, you’ll appreciate the craft that went into writing the definition.

TL;DR Rating: 5/5 Good for linguists? A few pages will cover topics you already know, but mostly highly recommended. Good for non-linguists? Yes, as long as you have an interest in dictionaries. No prior knowledge is needed. Strong points: An in-depth and fascinating look into a fairly obscure topic Weak points: A little niche and possibly boring to people who aren’t already interested in dictionaries

[simping-on-the-daily]

I tend to have a lot of trouble talking about myself in positive or negative ways. I can't do self reflection very well, so personal questions are always hard for me to answer. It's hard to try and do all those 'your best memory' questions. So, I decided to get myself sucked into a fandom that does a lot of self reflection but also has interesting characters and development.

Sander Sides!

I'll try my best to try and describe each of my 'sides' to the best of my ability.  I might turn these into offical OCs, but the main focus of this phase is to try and describe myself in order to improve my self reflection.

LOGIC/HARPER

All of my logic, reasoning and common sense.

Really loves learning and reading.

Her place is near the TV.

Gets along with Madeline well due to their interests of reading/writing.

Doesn't like Disney or Pixar. She's a dreamworks fan instead.

Poppy and her are best friends. Opposites attract.

Probably wears school uniform outfits, plaid and on special occasions, business dresses.

Her onesie is a koala.

Heavily dislikes change and enjoys repetitive patterns.

Inherits my love for drawing.

"This is extremely irrational, girls."

CREATIVITY/MADELINE

All of my creativity and passion.

That one person who sings those commericals in the shower.

Instead of reading, she's a writer!

She hangs around the coffee table.

Enjoys strong built characters. She ironically enjoys the edgy loner types.

All of my love for junk food is stored into this one person.

That one person to only buy makeup from the Loreal Paris brand and nothing else.

Wears trendy but messy outfits. Overalls, sweaters, etc. Her special outfits are dresses with lace.

"Makeup stains do not look good on you, sweetie."

MORALITY/POPPY

She's everything I learnt about right or wrong, and focuses on emotions.

Her major in college was 'Struggling Mum with Weird Kids.' She didn't pass.

Receives my love for cheesy inspirational quotes and shirts with stupid words on them.

Pops up around the window.

Honestly, she's the middle child friend.

She's the only one with a noticable American accent and puts heavy emphasis on it.

Unicorn onesies. Unicorn. Onesies.

Wears skirts with pants, knee high socks, Mary Jane shoes and high low dresses on special occassions!

"Can we just not sock someone in the jaw? Please, and thank you."

ANXIETY/LILITH

All of my fears and insecurites are what she has to deal with.

Honestly nicknamed the loner side.

Hangs near the door a whole lot. 

Makes popping noises when bored or stressed.

Surprisingly believes in 'beauty's on the inside.'

She and Madeline bump heads a lot, but it's more like playful teasing then anything serious.

Receives my love for collecting foreign money.

Has a dinosaur onesie.

Wears fishnets, cardigans, scarves and leather.

"How come I'm still surprised by what happens in this house?"

RAGE/ROUGE

Represents my irritation, gut instinct and anger.

Swearing machine.

Knows more then she lets on, mostly about Stephanie.

Clashes with Harper constantly.

She gets to sit on the sofa. Lucky girl.

Gets my obsession with Netflix films.

Lets emotions get the better of her and makes foolish choices a lot.

Tends to solve matters with pyschical voilence.

The most insecure one out of the bunch. She really feels like no-one listens to her when she's truly trying to take other's thought into consideration.

It just feels like she's the only one trying to adapt to their needs, and that makes her get even more mad as a result.

Wears tank tops,  jackets tied around her waist, belts, boots and backwards caps.

Doesn't have a onesie.

"YOU ALL MAKE ME WANNA SCREAM, YOU IDIOTS!"

INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS/STEPHANIE

Represents my love for the more creepier side of life and general dark thoughts.

No-one knows what's on her mind.

Seems to have history with Rouge, and she's her favourite person to annoy. Her angry reactions are priceless!

Makes those really controversial viral Twitter posts.

She tends to be right next to the sofa.

Gets pretty pouty when she's ignored.

Not attention seeking, she just really likes the spotlight.

Madeline actually apperiates her company and they get along really well. We stan healthy sibling dynamics in this house.

The two got split, but don't harbour any ill towards each other.

Makes a lot of Adamms Family references.

Instead of onesies, she wears dressing gowns.

Ironically wears formal amd skin tight outfits. Unlike Madeline, she wears suits instead of dresses.

"Are you Girl Scout cookies made from real Girl Scouts?"

[violetsystems]

#personal

I guess tomorrow will be a month since I was let go from work.  The severance finally deposited along with the payout for my paid time off.  The way unemployment works today would have been the earliest I could have applied.  As everyone reads in the news about America, the extra benefits expired this week.  My situation is very unique but it’s not without precedent.  I’m simply not eligible.  Which means I have to adopt the term “self-employed.”  The CARES act did have some less than obvious help for my situation though I had to do the digging.  The last four weeks I’ve had little or no help from anyone other than the counsel of my parents and here.  So the good news was that I spent the last four weeks trying to work through the financial ambiguities.  I learned a lot about tax law.  I set up a brokerage.  I divested my entire life from the last twenty years of my career.  And nobody said anything.  I’m sure people wanted to say things.  Yesterday I had to narrowly avoid two interactions with some people who haven’t talked to me in over a year.  It was obvious that someone wants me to talk out in public.  It was also obvious enough to avoid altogether.  Like someone is always trying to set up these quasi “magical” encounters with people who could literally just reach out and call.  They don’t.  That’s a clear sign of either social engineering or a flat out scam on my public identity.  I’ve travelled around the world at this point and had hundreds of such street interactions.  It’s not worth my time to play catch up about something that I’ve already started healing from.  It’s baggage to me.  Just like the tax burden I’m facing making sure I don’t get caught up in an election year spectacle.  Everybody is talking about people “like me” but nobody bothers to address my situation by name.  If all I were was my job then I’d be a failure right now.  But I spent the last week building an investment portfolio after rolling out of bed sleeplessly at three thirty in the morning.  I ended the week twenty five dollars down.  Blizzard leading the top of my modest leads.  I invested in both AMD and Intel.  Throughout the research on the Internet I read about these companies and products I purchase.  Stocks are supposed to be fun.  No one would know because everyone talks over each other just like in real life.  But investing in these times is a lot more.  Savings accounts don’t yield near anything due to the interest rates.  Money is held onto all the time which doesn’t really help the liquidity of the markets or the economy.  Greedy companies don’t help either.  Intel was the market leader.  Also had one of the highest paid CEO’s.  Also has a processor delayed a year in a market surrounded by wolves.  Apple has the ARM.  AMD has the Ryzen.  The computer I built does too.  The laptop I’m currently on is a coffee lake i7.  Matched with the 144hz refresh on the display, it plays Overwatch on a clip I’ve never experienced.  It’s butter.  AMD is affordable.  AMD is also making the jump from hobbyist darling to OEM distribution.  I invested in both because of a simple fact.  Both companies are now led by women.  AMD is led by Lisa Su.  Intel’s  Ann Kelleher will lead the initiative for the future to bridge the industry gap and opportunities for women.  These are the things I’ve been connecting my money with after twenty years of maturation.  And mostly how I’ve been “wasting my time” the last four weeks.

Not that anyone would know other than from what I’ve written.  People are friendly enough.  I’ve been out on my bike trying to clear a path in my life for the next six months.  I’m in a situation in which incurring any more income this year makes things more difficult.  And when I skim the jobs on LinkedIn I see more of me sidelining my life to make other people money.  Stability is a weird thing.  In America, you think it’s your job.  But it really is just money.  The way things work out I have amazing health insurance for a year at a price.  I also have the option to add a spouse and child at any time during that period.  It’s expensive.  I could have shopped around.  Skimped on dental or vision.  But in the end, I could afford to sit things out.  And in a time of complete and utter desperation, I come off cool and calm to a point.  The reality is I could just sit here and play games at the kitchen table.  I could write to my friends.  I could keep following the same love in my heart that I’ve been following for a few years.  I was more impressed that I could broadcast where I wanted to work on LinkedIn more than what opportunities are out there.  I selected Chicago, New York, Los Angeles and China.  I’ve been treated as human capital for years without my consent.  I’m worth more than this.  I’m sick of listening to people talk about themselves and do nothing about it.  They compare and contrast.  They plot and they scheme.  They gossip and backstab.  And every year they’re more and more buried.  In their emotional baggage.  In the problems they won’t dare face head on.  In the debt they accrue.  Silently yesterday I ended all my credit card debt in a series of transactions.  I still have a small loan which will be paid come September.  I have never sat quietly and never had to owe anyone money I didn’t have.  I spent twenty years at a salaried job weighed down by lifestyle creep.  When you aren’t happy in a job, you spend more to compensate.  This happens to medical students often.  They get great jobs out of school but are also in debt from loans.  They burn out on spending.  The debt piles up.  And there is no escape other than to work harder.  The same goes with student loans, home mortgages, and whatever else ties you down to revenue generation for someone else.  I’m not there anymore.  And I don’t really have any interest in going back.  The brokerage account was a late night brainstorm.  I talk less about politics now.  The politics don’t help me.  I talk to myself about tax law and investment.  I write about it here but I would never talk about it in public.  Just like I’d never discuss magic the gathering strategy with a person who wants to talk about celebrity gossip instead.  I see change in my life when I act for myself.  And excuses don’t pay the bills.

And then there’s the awful reality that people still think they know better.  This is a dangerous time in that respect.  People forgot about me the whole last month.  I literally had no real human contact via email after the 15th.  I missed the window to clear out my office waiting for this laptop.  People really expected me to use all my psychic powers to read into what they want me to do with my life.  I’d rather save the telepathy for the girl I like.  In that respect, not really trying to change my agenda.  My agenda isn’t hidden or anything.  People just don’t ask me the right questions.  People don’t ask questions at all.  In the last month, I’ve felt the most human and been treated the least humane.  And that is just life.  Would the girl of my dreams really want to see me break down and cry for help?  Or would it be better to see how no matter how hard I get thrown I always land on my feet?  I’m more than on my feet.  I’m on stable ground and a little tired of the world and its bullshit.  I’m also not really mad about it anymore.  I’m just me.  I have some time to organize my life for a change.  I got new glasses.  They are Versace.  I have time to take care of myself.  I have a monthly and yearly cash forward budget.  It is very necessary to know your expenses first when looking for a job.  It is the key to negotiating a salary and benefits.  Ironically LinkedIn solved the problem for me.  It thinks I should be making 10k more than I was.  And more in New York.  Nobody told me that outright.  I had to figure it out for myself.  Because the difference between what you want to do and what you can afford to do is a real line.  I worked for a non profit for years and barely got a raise or promotion.  The salary wasn’t industry standard at all.  And now the position just doesn’t exist.  I can’t comfortably say I can even work until I consult a tax lawyer.  That was a decision that I made for myself.  There’s a lot of decisions I make for myself that nobody gives me a warm hug in public for.  Nobody is privy to them because they either are afraid to treat me like a human being or they don’t read these journals.  This is to say that I realize nobody “really” cares.  If they did I wouldn’t have gone through any of this.  I wouldn’t feel forgotten.  I wouldn’t have taken that rage and moved on.  Being angry is dumb.  You saw it on my face for years.  I was stressed.  I was strained.  I listened with genuine concern and intent to the feelings everyone had.  I accepted everyone face value.  I worked to make people feel included.  And in the end I was excluded for whatever reason.  I didn’t fit in.  I always had to surrender my identity to the “discourse” that was more interested in using me a punching bag than an ally.  I don’t have to be the beacon for a lawsuit anymore.  I don’t have to raise my blood pressure for people who would rather see me drop dead.  I can just stay out of the way completely.  And in a time when American politicians on either side have no real answers, I’d rather rely on myself to get through.  I’d rather wait for people to recognize how utterly horrible I’ve been treated in terms of my value as a person.  I am not human capital.  I am a fucking person.  And the one thing I know is that my value over time here is not wasted.  And the time I’ve spent writing to you has made me who I am.  Impervious to hipster bullshit.  <3 Tim

[a-sweet-violent-urge]

Favorite lyrics from Taylor Swift's folklore

Ok, at first my intention was to make a post like this once a week because I have too many favorite lyrics from too many artists. Instead this is only my 4th favorite lyrics post.

But before I list my favorite lyrics from this album, I want to say something about Taylor Swift first. Although you can't tell from my blog (unless you go though every page of my artists tag, I have reblogged some pictures of her), I have been listening to Taylor since her second album. Fearless was it, right? That was a long time ago. Had someone told me back then that she would become one of the biggest artists we have today, I wouldn't have believed them. But love her or hate her, she is. That fact cannot be disputed. Sure, she gets a lot of hate, like every pop artists, when they become mainstream, and much, if not all, of that hate is undeserved. Anyway, I don't want to get into that. My point is, I have been with Taylor from pretty much the beginning. I listened to every album when it came out. Some albums I like more, some less. I have my opinion on each of them but I don't want to make this too long. And yet, despite all of that, if somebody asked me to list all of my favorite artists, Taylor wouldn't have made it on that list. She was an artist I liked, not an artist I loved. I think the reason for that was, and please don't go for my throat here, her vocals. All the artists I love, one of the things I love most about them is that their live performances give me chills. I just don't feel that way with Taylor. I'm not gonna be one of those people who say, Oh TS can't sing, she can... she's just no Whitney Houston, you know. But to be fair, many other of our biggest female pop icons don't have the best voices either. And Taylor compensates for it in a lot of different ways. One of those way is actually being a great songwriter. As someone who cares mostly about the lyrics in a song, this is very important to me. Taylor is a great story teller. Which brings me to folklore. Honestly, when I heard that a new album had come out, I got a little annoyed. Call me crazy, I hate when artists release albums every year. Make a good album, put out a few hits, take a break, give people a chance to miss you and then come back. Don't flood the market. At least that's my opinion. If an album is good, I can listen to it for a year or two, or three without getting sick of it. And Lover wasn't perfect but it was a good album. It had a repeat value. At least that's what I think. That's why it took me a month to sit down and listen to folklore. And now, I am so glad this album is out. It's the best thing she's put out so far. She's back to her roots but she's so much more mature now. I love the slow stripped down sound, you can really hear her voice, and most importantly, it allows her beautiful lyrics to carry the song. I think this album has the potential to stand the test of time. And I think, thanks to it, I might start adding Taylor to the list of my favorite artists now.  So my advice is, to anyone reading this, if you haven't heard folklore, be open minded, and sit down and do it. It’ll only take an hour. 

So finally, here's my list

But we were something, don't you think so? Roaring twenties, tossing pennies in the pool And if my wishes came true It would've been you (the 1)

I, I, I persist and resist the temptation to ask you If one thing had been different Would everything be different today? (the 1)

But I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs The smell of smoke would hang around this long 'Cause I knew everything when I was young (cardigan)

I knew you Tried to change the ending Peter losing Wendy (cardigan)

"There goes the last great American dynasty Who knows, if she never showed up, what could've been There goes the maddest woman this town has ever seen She had a marvelous time ruining everything" (the last great american dynasty)

Fifty years is a long time Holiday House sat quietly on that beach Free of women with madness, their men and bad habits And then it was bought by me (the last great american dynasty)

Second, third, and hundredth chances Balancin' on breaking branches Those eyes add insult to injury (exile)

I think I've seen this film before And I didn't like the ending I'm not your problem anymore So who am I offending now? (exile)

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace And you're the hero flying around, saving face (my tears ricochet)

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace And so the battleships will sink beneath the waves You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same (my tears ricochet)

I've never been a natural, all I do is try, try, try (​mirrorball)

Please picture me in the trees I hit my peak at seven Feet in the swing over the creek (seven)

Please picture me in the weeds Before I learned civility I used to scream ferociously Any time I wanted (seven)

I've been having a hard time adjusting I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting (this is me trying)

Pulled the car off the road to the lookout Could've followed my fears all the way down (this is me trying)

They told me all of my cages were mental So I got wasted like all my potential (this is me trying)

I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere (this is me trying)

Don't call me "kid," don't call me "baby" Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me You showed me colors you know I can't see with anyone else (​illicit affairs)

Every time you call me crazy, I get more crazy What about that? And when you say I seem angry, I get more angry (mad woman)

Now I breathe flames each time I talk My cannons all firin' at your yacht They say "move on," but you know I won't (mad woman)

Something med school did not cover Someone's daughter, someone's mother Holds your hand through plastic now "Doc, I think she's crashing out" And some things you just can't speak about (epiphany)

Only twenty minutes to sleep But you dream of some epiphany Just one single glimpse of relief To make some sense of what you've seen (epiphany)

I never had the courage of my convictions As long as danger is near And it's just around the corner, darlin' 'Cause it lives in me No, I could never give you peace (peace)

Give you my wild, give you a child Give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other Family that I chose, now that I see your brother as my brother (peace)

Is it romantic how all my elegies eulogize me? I'm not cut out for all these cynical clones These hunters with cell phones (​the lakes)

What should be over burrowed under my skin In heart-stopping waves of hurt (​the lakes)