#and it’s taking every fibre of my being not to delete it all and eat my iPad ✨🌸🧚🏻‍♂️

[resident-rats]

Me after a busy day of doing nothing and writing 0 words✨

[johnkrrasinski]

started from a call

full masterlist

Pairings: Bucky Barnes x female!reader

Word count: 3,610

Warning: angst with a happy ending! that's all.

Summary: written for @wkemeup's 9k writing challenge with the prompt "character a leaves an embarrassing, drunk message on character b’s voicemail and spends the rest of the night trying to discreetly delete it from [b]’s phone." inspired by a bit of ross and rachel from friends too. you found out from steve that bucky was in love with you in high school but after he returns home with a girl in his arm, you cancelled your plans to tell him how you feel. will you and bucky have your happy ending?

a/n: please like, reblog and leave a feedback. :) enjoy!

"Alright, I'll see you tonight. Bye." He leaned against the kitchen counter and hung up the phone with a grin on his face. "You hear that, Sam? We're going on our third date tonight." He threw his phone up into the air and caught it so casually without spilling a drop of his coffee sitting on his right hand. "Looks like I'm getting that 300 bucks soon."

"Hey, easy. You ain't going to that date yet, who knows? She could bail on you. It doesn't count if the date doesn't end well."

"Oh, but it will. I just gotta turn on my charm and next thing you know, we're already meeting the parents stage."

"Meeting the parents? That's a big step from you, Buck."

"Hey, I'm a man of my words. If I said that I'm going to change this year then I'm gonna stick to it."

"So Leah isn't just a one-time thing to get 300 bucks?"

"Maybe yes, maybe no. We'll see how tonight goes. But one thing's for sure is that I'm getting that 300 bucks."

Sam and Bucky made a bet as their New Year's resolution that Bucky would never go on a second date with any girl or remember to call her in the morning after a wild night. His commitment issues had given him a reputation as the player in the gang. It wasn't a new thing anymore to anyone that when they visited Bucky's place in the morning, they would see a girl with a dopey smile and slightly ruffled hair walking out of his apartment, giddy that Bucky just made a promise to call her later.

You, Natasha, Wanda, Sam and Steve were hanging out at Nat's place. The six of you had been friends since college. You, Nat, Bucky and Steve had known each other since high school and the four of you kept in touch despite going to separate universities. You met Wanda when you went to NYU and Steve met Sam while he was in Harvard. Long story short, after the four of you graduated, you and Wanda lived together as roommates and even started your own bakery business. Steve and Bucky lived in the same building as you and Natasha and Sam lived nearly alone. They were too independent for roommates. Don't even start on Natasha and how much she valued her personal space. That's how the six of you ended up here, gathered at your place on a Saturday afternoon.

"Are you gonna pick her up tonight?"

"Of course. Gonna clean up well, bring her some flowers and knock on her door at 7 pm precisely. Which girl isn't gonna fall for that?" Bucky walked over to the couch you and Nat were sitting on and leaned on the headrest, his arms caging both you and Natasha.

You didn't say anything nor did Natasha because she knew about your feelings for Bucky. Despite never feeling that way about Bucky in high school, your feelings changed a week ago after learning that Bucky used to be in love with you but never had the courage to tell you. That's why he never had a girlfriend during his high school years and he wanted to take you to prom and confess his feelings to you but he was too late. Another guy had already snooped in first.

You were his first love but it wasn't reciprocated until now. That's why in college, he learned how to get over you and slept with as many women as possible because he felt like he lost four years of his life of finding the one. He never intended to be a player and feed girls empty promises, it just kind of became his way of dating. He was too afraid that no one could live up to you yet he enjoyed being with women. Hence, the bet.

The day you found out from Steve about Bucky's past feelings for you while playing truth or dare, you immediately wanted to call him up but Bucky was out of town for a few days and as soon as he was back home, he had Leah in his arm. Your heart was crushed. Wanda told you that it would probably last for a few days and that he'd eventually be single again but you totally did not expect this thing to turn into something serious. You loved Sam with every fibre of your being, he was like the big brother you never had, but you wanted to curse him for making that bet.

So you just rolled your eyes and stayed silent throughout this entire conversation, even though your heart felt like it was being stabbed over and over again. "Alright, I gotta go. Got a big date tonight. I'll see you guys in a few hours." Just like that, Bucky walked out of the room without knowing the pain his words caused you.

The next day you were sitting in your bed watching The Notebook in your pyjamas because you were too heartbroken to do anything productive. It was Sunday so you could just have a whole day to yourself and do absolutely nothing but cry. Wanda knocked on your door bringing a plate of cookies and she had a pitiful look on her face. "y/n? Sweetie? I made you these cookies, they might make you feel better." Sometimes you thank the stars for bringing her into your life.

"Thank you, Wanda. You're so nice to me." You know you probably sound like a hormonal whiny kid but everything made you cry at the moment.

"Do you need anything else? I know how it feels to get your heartbroken, trust me. When me and Vision had a fight and we didn't talk for days all I wanted was to curl up and never leave my bed, so in case you need anything, I'm here." She offered you that warm smile of hers.

"No, all I want right now is to just eat these cookies and go back to my film, thanks Wan."

"Okay, I'll be outside." Your pity party was interrupted when Nat arrived in her leather jacket and burst into your room.

"Get up, you are taking a shower and you're getting that face beat."

"Natasha, what the hell? Leave me alone."

"Y/N, listen to me. I got a date for you. His name is Scott and he's a real nice guy, he's funny, he's a good friend of mine and he is really smart. He is so much better than Bucky, I promise you. Now c'mon, I already told him that you are meeting him tonight at Stark's restaurant at 7."

You whined, doing anything you can to get her to leave you alone with your tears and your cookies but you knew that once Natasha set her mind on something, there's no talking her way out of it. Damn that woman with her determination.

"Y/N, c'mon! Wallowing all day isn't you. I know you and what's good for you. That's why I found you a great guy who will charm you so good that you will forget Barnes even existed. You can't let him win, y/n. If he's going to be happy with someone else, then you better show him that you can be much happier with other people."

You stared at her, trying to absorb her words. There's some wisdom in that. You're not the type to cry over a guy, not even for even Bucky Barnes. So you let Natasha drag you to the shower and asked Wanda to do your hair when she does your makeup. She chose an outfit for you, a dress that was not too sexy but chic enough to leave a good first impression.

Scott was early to the restaurant and he looked elated to see you. He was wearing a grey suit with no tie and he had a really exuberant smile on his face, the type that drew people easily. You could see why Natasha called him a nice guy.

"Wow, sorry, I just- didn't expect you to be this beautiful."

"Ah, thank you, Scott. Have you been waiting long?"

"No, not at all. I just arrived here like five minutes ago."

The night went on and Scott did most of the asking and talking, you answered each question curtly with forced enthusiasm in your face and body language. You weren't even listening to half of the things he said because your mind kept playing images of Bucky with Leah and how you heard from Sam that the date went well so he lost 300 bucks. You kept thinking about Bucky and Leah and how they would probably get married and have kids and live in the suburbs with a golden retriever while you'd still be single and you'd compare every man you meet to Bucky. Maybe it was your karma for not reciprocating his feelings in high school.

Five glasses of wine and you spent more time nodding than talking. Honestly, all you wanted to do was to just go home and go back to The Notebook because their love story was much better than your love life. Scott woke you out of your daze, "Natasha told you that I was cuter than this, did she?" after you gulped your sixth glass of wine.

"Oh Scott, I'm so sorry. It's not you, it's me. I know it sounds cliche but it's just... I'm not in a place where I'm looking for a boyfriend. You are a really likeable guy and I swear, if we had met at another time, maybe I would be a better date but right now, I just- I have someone else in my mind." You sighed, it felt like a relief to get that off your chest.

"Is this guy... an ex-boyfriend?"

You chuckled, "no... He wishes."

Scott nodded, "look, I don't know what your situation is but I've been through a divorce and it's never easy. But eventually, you'll be fine. You can't see it now because you haven't had closure." Then it was as if the bulb above your head was turned on.

"That's it.  Closure, yeah. That's all I need. Okay, give me a minute. I'm gonna call him now and I'm going to get my closure."

Scott sat there watching you comically trying to find your phone in your purse and tapped on Bucky's contact number. The normal you would be sweating with every ring but intoxicated you had no worries in the world... For now.

"This is Bucky. Can't pick up right now, leave a message." Beep.

"Hello, yes, Bucky! Or James, should I call you James? I always thought Bucky was a weird name. Anyways, I'm just calling to tell you that I am fine and I am on a date with Scott. And speaking of dates, I just gotta tell you that I'm happy to hear that your date went well. And that, my friend, means that I am over you. That's right, I'm over you. Tell Leah I say hi." You said sarcastically.

You hung up the phone and threw your phone back into your purse. You felt like you just won a chess game.

The next morning you decided to sleep in because your heart was pounding and you could barely sit up without feeling like you might fall. You were supposed to be working at the bakery but since you owned the bakery, Wanda let you sleep it off until you recover. You couldn't remember anything from last night, how you got back to your apartment was a mystery. You tried to put the pictures together, from being forced to go on a date, meeting a guy named Sean? Simon? Sebastian? Scott! Yes, Scott. You ordered your meals and then... Nothing, it was all blurry. You weren't even sure if anything happened at all after eating your meals.

The apartment was empty because Wanda was working at the bakery and it was just you with your hangover pills. Bucky came to your apartment without knocking because Wanda told him on the phone that you were home. He greeted you with a smile and asked about your date.

"Uh, let's see. I think there was a restaurant, I know there was wine. And there's a guy, Scott and pretty much that's all I can recall."

Bucky made a yikes face. Seeing the state you were in, he could do the math (of the wine you had). You probably enjoyed the alcohol more than the guy. What a doofus, he thought. If he was the one going on a date with you, you'd definitely remember every detail from last night.

"Leah's downstairs and I'm taking her back to her place but I left my keys here last night. Have you seen it?"

"No, check the drawers. Maybe Wanda put 'em there."

"Ah, okay." He opened the drawers and found the keys to his bike.

"Did we... Speak on the phone last night?"

"Nope, my phone was dead and I didn't charge it all night so I haven't really checked it. Why?"

"Nothing, nothing. It's just... Never mind. My memories are a bit hazy right now. You should go, say hi to Leah for me."

Bucky nodded as you walked back to your room to go lie down. Your question reminded him that he should probably check his phone now because there could be work-related messages but the first thing he heard was a voicemail from you. "Oh, y/n. I got your message!"

That instantly stopped you in your tracks. Your eyes went wide and you froze. You immediately turned around and ran to grab his phone away from him. Bucky had a confused look on his face, "who's Scott?"

"Oh my God, no, Bucky, give me the phone. Give me the phone!" But it was already too late, he was already halfway through your voicemail and by the time you successfully snatched his phone out of his grasp, he had already heard every word.

Bucky stood there dumbfounded, he needed time to process everything you just said to him. "What do you- what do you mean you're over me?"

"Oh, God... Alright, um- lately, I've um- sort of, have... Feelings for you." You never had to chase a guy or confess your crush first so this felt new and my God, it was nerve-racking.

"You have feelings for me..." He said it as if he was convincing himself that his ears got it right. Bucky couldn't believe the words that just escaped through your lips, for years he had dreamed of this moment. Though never did he ever want you to make the first move but adolescent him wanted to hear you say what he'd been wanting to say to you too.

He didn't say anything for what felt like minutes and you couldn't decipher his thoughts from the look on his face. "I need to sit down," he pulled one of the dining chairs and leaned on his side in a defeated posture.

"Bucky... Please say something." You alerted him in a hushed tone, not wanting to startle him than you already did. But he didn't. He was lost at words. What the hell was he supposed to tell her?

"Look Bucky, I'm sorry for telling you this way but I had to. I just- I've been wanting to talk to you about it since you came back to New York, well- actually, since Steve told me but-"

"Whoa, Steve told you?!" He interrupted.

"Yeah, it just accidentally slipped when we were playing truth or dare..."

"Okay well," he stood up from his seat, yet he still couldn't look you in the eye. "I can't do this right now, Leah's waiting for me downstairs and I gotta go." He basically ran out of the room and slammed the door behind him, leaving you alone.

Once your hangover had begun dissipating, you decided to help Wanda at the bakery and took the night shift. She must've been exhausted from managing the bakery alone while also helping the employees in the kitchen so you told her to go home and leave it to you. The bakery's usually slower at night.

When it was nearing closing time and your employees had gone home, you decided to clean up and turned off the lights and checked everything one last time before locking the door. The bell above the door dinged and you were slightly annoyed because who the hell comes to the bakery at this hour?

"I'm sorry we're clo...sed." It was Bucky. He stood there in a black coat, with an expression you still couldn't figure out. "Bucky, what are you-"

"You have no right to tell me that you've got feelings for me." His tone was harsh, he never spoke that way to you or anyone... Ever.

"What?"

He walked closer to you, maintaining his gaze, "You can not tell me that you've got feelings for me now when I'm doing well with my life and Leah..."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"I was in love with you for years! Years, y/n! And you never said and did anything and now when everything's going well you're ruining it!"

"I am ruining it?" You repeated the question because you couldn't believe what you just heard. How dare he said those hurtful things to you.

"Yes! I was doing fine with Leah and now I don't know what's going to happen with me and her anymore..."

"Yeah, well, I was doing fine before I found out that YOU were in love with me and never had the balls to tell me!" You did everything you could to not cry, you hated crying in the middle of an argument.

"Hey, it's not like I didn't try. There were your ex-boyfriends and your dates and I had to move on. I couldn't wait forever! And now, now you're too late."

"Oh, so what? You're just gonna walk away and pretend that this never happened?"

"Yes, I'm going to do exactly that and I'm going to go see Leah." He turned around like he did earlier in your apartment and left you alone once again with your heartbreak.

"Fine! Go ahead and see Leah because I don't give a fuck about cowards like you or whoever you sleep with." You slammed the door and tried everything you could to not have a breakdown here because you really hated letting an argument hurt you. You sat on one of the chairs where the customers would sit and you hid your face with your hands and cried.

Not because you just lost an argument but because of what Bucky said and it felt like you had lost Bucky before you even had him. Now there was no hope left for you and Bucky, things were too complicated.

You didn't know how long you had cried there, alone, in the dimmed lighting of your shop but after you felt like the tears had dried, you wiped the traces of your tears from your cheeks with the back of your thumb. You stood from your seat and was ready to go home. You couldn't wait to eat some leftover pizzas, take a warm shower and cry into your pillows until you fall asleep.

But when you were about to leave, you saw Bucky standing on the other side of the door, watching you through the windows with a softer expression on his face. You opened the door and Bucky instantly grabbed your waist and kissed you as if his life depended on it.

You gave in to his kiss, letting him pour every desire and yearning into your lips for as long as he wanted. You grabbed his face because you wanted him impossibly closer and you shut your eyes, letting your guard down. Because it was Bucky, and you'd known him for as long as you could remember and you both deserved this moment.

Bucky eventually pulled away until both of you were running out of air. You were breathless from his kiss, you never knew he was such a good kisser. (It's Bucky and he's had a lot of women on his bed, of course, he was excellent at it. Who were you kidding?) But now that you've had your own front-row experience, you felt a tad of possessiveness at the thought of sharing those lips or any part of him with anyone else.

"I couldn't go back to her knowing you are here alone and I had thrown away what I've wanted for as long as I could remember."

"I'm glad you came back." You pressed your foreheads and you rested your hands on his chest. You could get used to this.

"I hope it's not too late to say this but, y/n y/l/n, will you let me take you to dinner and see a movie after maybe?"

"I wasn't the one who said it's too late," you halfheartedly teased him.

"Shut up, so is that a yes or a no?"

You bit your lip and nodded, "yes. Definitely a yes." You stared into his ocean blue eyes, so deep and beautiful, you could easily get lost in it.

"y/n y/ln, I'm going to put all of your ex-boyfriends to shame."

"Hm, we'll see about that." You put your arms around his neck. Then a thought crossed your mind and your smile faded away, "what are you gonna do about Leah though?"

"I'll talk to her in the morning. Let's take you home now, yeah? It's getting late."

You bit your lip and nodded, "okay."

Ninth grade you dreamed of popular jocks and athletic seniors, but little did you know that, sometimes, the one who sincerely loved you was the book nerd who loved The Hobbit a little too much.

[fablesofkitkat]

pov: you and Denki are comrades in the love department (fem!reader) [re-post] (sry for deleting this)

alt. title: crushing on super straight Ochako

genre : hopeful angst/ fluff

tags: @bootyholelicker @vtte ��👈 ...hey.

What's the number one rule for us?

That's right: never fall in love with a straight girl. So why the fuck are you crushing on Ochako who's straighter than a meter stick?

"Hey, Uraraka, wanna grab a bite to eat sometime?" You hear Kaminari ask her. You know that feeling when you like someone and every fibre of your being just knows when they're about to enter the room? Like the electric hum in the air before a thunderstorm? That's what you feel whenever she's close by. Rationality would argue the electric hum is because of Kaminari. "What do you like?"

"Hm, mochi–"

You scowled at the interaction, walking towards them and hoisting the books from Ochako and then stacking them on the boy's arms.

"Hey!"

"Whatever, Kaminari. You need more muscles anyway." You roll your eyes at him.

"Wait, Deku, she didn't heal your injuries?" Ochako was instantly making a beeline for Midoriya.

Your shoulders droop; simultaneously Kaminari let out a sigh. In that moment you two have become fallen comrades in this battle for Ochako's attention. Kami, this was pathetic.

"Wanna have lunch with me? I'll pay." Kaminari offers, shooting a flirty smile.

"Oh, so now you remember I'm a girl?" You raised an eyebrow. "Thanks for the pity invitation but no." You grab half the textbooks from his arms and helped him go rounds, returning text books.

He chuckled, and then smiled witj a bit of  sheepish guilt. "I'm not making moves on you. It's for helping me with this." He gestures the textbooks in his arms.

"It's okay." Your eyes glancing at Ochako from time to time. Dammit, why was she so cute?

---

You slap yourself infront of the mirror comically. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in– You need to get over your crush. She's straight. She's really really straight. And she likes Midoriya. Hardworking, determined, awesome Midoriya. Fuck, you don't even stand a chance even if she was bi. You walk out the bathroom and rejoined the girls. Mina complains about training everyday, head resting over the sofa's edge. Kyoka stretches both her hands by intertwining them together and pushes them forward. Tsui asks Momo about her special move and Momo worryingly puts a hand on her cheek. You stare at Ochako sitting beside Tsui. She was sipping on the juicebox, clearly with something on her mind. Tsui asks about Ochako.

"Recently, my heart's all stirred about." She looks down, blushing and the air that surrounds her felt different. You could almost swear her atmosphere sparkled and is painted pink.

"It's love!" Mina blurts out.

"Yeah, you like someone Ochako." You say, shrugging. The little pinprick on your heart wails for you to stop pretending to be okay.

"I don't know what you're talking about!" Ochako frantically denies, arms waving around her as if shielding her from Mina's interrogation. It doesn't. Your heart soared at the obvious lie, still holding on that there's a chance.

"Is it Midoriya or Iida?" Mina asks.

Uraraka floats and you couldn't help but grin at her cuteness. "She floated." You mumbled and the girls exchanged looks, you included, trying not to make your stupid crush obvious. The looks unanimously agreed to tease Ochako more.

"You'll get even lighter if you confess." Kyoka jeered.

"That's not it really! That's not–"

You might have died in that moment. The way she just forgot what she was saying. The girls didn't notice how she stopped mid-sentence but not you. Never you. You were always aware of her. So when she looked so lovestruck, as she stared out the window, you would bet a finger that she was staring at Midoriya. And you were so jealous, stupid jealous of everything Midoriya is. His character. His charm. His diligence. You wished at that moment you were a boy.

---

You bring a bag of goodies to Ochako's room. She didn't want to take it at first, but you showed her the grocery receipt and everything she got was just a freebie you took advantage of. Buy 1 Take 1 exists, coupons and you always always get high seeing discounts. Being middle class had taught you how to shop smartly.

"You gotta teach me next time!" Ochako says, serving you a bowl of potato chips.

"You don't need to–"

"It's okay!" Ochako giggled. "You gave me more than this anyway!"

You nodded and then nonchantly offered. "Text me when you shop for groceries, I'll come with you."

"Sure!"

You two hung out the rest of the afternoon, just talking, and when she felt a bit sleepy, you yawned. She offers for you to take a nap with her. You didn't even plan to confess but it felt like you were taking advantage of her friendship when your thoughts aren't the same with her.

"I like you." Drowsiness gone from your eyes.

"I like you too!" She goes in for a hug, cheeks brushing. You grab her shoulders to pull her away from you.

"I.. like you the way I want you to be my girlfriend."

That was stupid. You shouldn't have said anything. At all.  Because Ochako felt like every thing you did for her, every interactions, the very foundation of your friendship was simply... ingenuine.

"What..."

The seconds ticked by, she sat motionless and so did you. Tears stung in your eyes, threatening to fall. That was it. Friendship over.

"You're a good person. And I–" She starts.

"Like someone else." You finished her sentence. "Can you please not tell–"

"...of course." Ochako smiled at you sadly. "But you know, I don't think the girls will treat you any differently."

"They will." You closed your eyes; Kami, you just wanted to scream. "They will overthink every action, like maybe a hug from them will make me fall. Inadvertantly, they would exclude me out of consideration. And to be honest? I don't think I can deal with that."

A few beats of silence. Slowly, hesitantly, Ochako wraps her arms around you. "I'm sorry I broke your heart."

"Don't." You hug her back; this will be the last one for awhile. "Don't apologise for being straight because then, I would have to apologise for being... me." You broke off the hug and gave her a watery smile. "You don't mind if I don't hang out with you and the girls for awhile, do you?"

Ochako opened her mouth to say something but ultimately, she shook her head.

"Thank you, Ochako." You moved towards the door. "Next time I hang out with you, I'd be over you." You laughed, a pathetic attempt to be light-hearted because of how forlorn you sounded.

You return to your room, flopping onto your bed and then screaming into your pillow.

---

You were wolfing down on the third burger on a bench outside the dormitories. It's been three weeks since you got rejected. You were simultaneously eating, crying and reading your general studies textbook. You hear the sound of someone tripping on the pathway. Kaminari. That would've cheered you up. If only snot weren't dripping down your nose, you sniffled.

"Hey." You greeted, mouth full.

"Hey." He greets back. "You okay?"

"... not by any means, median or mode." You wiped the snot with the back of your sleeve.

That–

"Bahaha!" He laughs. "Means, median or mode!"

Your eyes narrowed. "I know that the bar of my joke's pretty low but glad you understand 'cause I suck at limbo."

He laughs again. Wait–

"How the fuck do you get them?" You stared at him, bewildered. After he calmed down, you say. "All jokes aside–"

Kaminari moves to the side, sitting on the bench to your right. What the fu– PFFFT. You guffawed. You choke on a piece of burger and then you finally spat it out. That only made you and Kaminari laugh harder.

"All jokes aside–" You wheezed. "And you moved aside–"

"The burger–" Kaminari wiped off tears from the corner of his eyes. "You choked on the burger–"

This was the first time you laughed after getting rejected. _Kami, it felt good._ It was good to laugh. He offers you a square piece of cloth; you take it and blew the snot out of your nose.

"Thank you. I'll buy you a new one."

"Don't mention it." He kept a smile on his face. "Wanted to check up on you."

"As you can see."

"First time?" He asks. Amber eyes. They usually looked lemony but when he's serious, they looked a shade darker.

"At what?"

"Getting your heart broken."

"Ah." You rolled your eyes. "I'm pretty sure the depth of my rejection goes way deeper than you getting rejected after shamelessly flirting with girls."

"I got my heart broken back in middleschool." Kaminari shares, a silly but rueful grin on his lips. "My middleschool teacher. It was impossible, of course. But she was a fresh graduate and she was young and really pretty. Like super!"

You nodded, getting pulled into the story.

"I did stupid things like if I get a 100 on a quiz, I'll confess to her." He wiggled his eyebrows, an attempt to make the conversation light. You laughed. And then he continued. "I never did. I'm not smart. But I did confess even though there was no chance. I got rejected. She told me I should ask girls my age. I kinda hated her for a bit. But now, I understand. Plus I got closure."

You nodded again.

"So, I understand. Confessing to someone impossible." Kaminari stares into your eyes like he knew; that he understood. "And if you need a group to hangout with, you should hangout with us." He stood up, offering you a hand. "And it's not a pity invitation. I need someone to tutor me, if you don't mind."

"How'd you know I like..." You trailed off, purposefully, to confirm your suspicions.

"Uraraka?" He grins. "I have a radar for who my rivals are. I never forgot you were a girl, it's just that I noticed you like her."

You take his hand. "Thanks." You hope he knows that the gratitude was not just about the hand, or the handkerchief, or the offer to hang out or the laugh you shared.

It was also for not saying anything without you having to ask. For acting the same.

---

Time is a strange thing. It can heal wounds. It can fade memories. It can make you look back on memories and laugh. A once so painful heartbreak is now only a fond memory. You were hanging out in Kyoka's room practicing, Denki on the lead guitar, Fumikage on the acoustic guitar, Jiro on vocals and bass guitar, Momo on keyboard and lastly, Bakugo on druns. You... were the mascot. An assistant of sorts. They all took a short break and you wanted to buy food for them but Kyoka insisted you stay since you've been running around for them. Kyoka went with Bakugo for the hamburgers. Fumikage with Momo for the drinks. Leaving you and Denki alone. You and the electro  user were oblivious to the tacit exhange the four members shoot each other. There was a sudden downpour of rain and the others couldn't get back so soon. Denki was fiddling with the guitar and you gravitate to Fumikage's guitar, picking the strings.

"You know how to play?" He asks.

You plucked the strings. The only song that was easy for you to learn. "And if it's a hero you want, I can save you just stay here~"

He watches the chord progression on your hand, when he finally figured it out, he strums along. You were getting into the song closing your eyes at the bridge and then the chorus you open your eyes. Amber. Staring right at you. "So stay awake for me–"

Twang. The jamming abruptly stops. Discordant note echoes. Your best friend  messed up. Denki clears his throat, embarrassed. "For a song that asks the listener to stay awake, you had me halfway falling asleep."

You roll your eyes at him. Then, he kept fiddling with the pick. His feet bounced, obviously there was something on his mind.

"What's up?"

"Remember that time I told you about my middleschool teacher." He starts. "About confessing to someone impossible. There's this girl..." He trails off, looking at his shoes. "She doesn't make me feel dumb. She's really patient. And Kami, she's really funny and smart like–" His lips stretched into a wide grin. "half of her jokes, I have to think about, and then I don't realize it, I would be up all night trying to figure out her jokes and then at 2 am I would be laughing in my room like crazy. Maybe that's why I couldn't stop thinking about her." He smiled wistfully and then, his whole demeanor shifted; an invisible weight on his shoulders. "I really like her. Not I-like-her-'cause-she's-pretty. I like her to the point–" He takes a shuddering breath. "–to the point that I wish I was a girl."

Silence.

Deathly silence.

He knew this was it. His closure. He would act the same; he confessed to you so he could move on. Still, silence.  Denki peeks at you. "Is dropping that on you so shocking?"

You stare at him weirdly, surreal. "No, but you best pick that up 'cause I'll sue you for littering."

You and Denki burst out laughing. A few beats of silence. The sound of fingertips sliding on strings. The muted beating of rain on the window, muffled by Kyoka's red drapes.

"Denki?" You call his name, a gentle lilt. He savors your voice.

"Yeah." He closes his eyes. This was it: the rejection.

"I'm bi." You softly say.

"Bilingual?" Eyes snapping open, and he looked so terribly, adorably confused.

You hold his stare and for a few moments, the reflection holds blank; time moved slow; his amber eyes shook, flaxen lashes fluttered, blinking. Realization eventually dawns on him. "Oh."

[pinksatinsashes]

Hi hannah! recently there’s been some controversy of being “that girl” and how it’s glorified on tiktok. I love self improvement tumblr because it’s the best thing that’s happened to me and im sure a lot of us! it’s a sense of community! It’s giving me anxiety that “that girl” is being looked down upon when it’s a motivator factor for me to be my dream girl

Hi angel!

Honestly I don't get the controversy and hatred of the trend if I'm being completely honest. I'm not sure if it's because I've made an effort not to get annoyed or bothered by things that don't matter or what but my ultimate verdict is:

It's really not that deep.

I live a life of not stressing my self out about things that don't matter so when I see others doing it, it's just like? Why?

When I see something dumb I go "well that's dumb" then I scroll along. I don't go on about it and ruin it for other people.

Anyway, you want my opinion so lets get into it.

As I said I get both sides.

The Positive Side

The "That girl" trend has inspired a lot of people to take better care of themselves. Do regular exercise, eat better, take care of their mental health.

And seeing as right now things that are being glorified are:

Getting plastic surgery to fit the beauty standard (which is literally always changing)

Victimising yourself in literally every way possible.

Talking bad about yourself as a form of "humour".

Binge eating unhealthy food for views.

Doing drugs and binge drinking.

Trauma dumping

Sharing literally every detail of your life for full on strangers to see.

Being a bimbo????

The That Girl trend is absolutely not the worst thing to come out of tiktok or social media in general.

Now do I think the 'That girl' trend is the best thing ever? Absolutely not.

The Negative Side

Now I'm not even going to talk about how people think its unrealistic and unattainable because I completely disagree and wholeheartedly believe that people are trying to make excuses.

Because waking up early drinking green juice, working out, journalling and meditating really isn't that hard.

I can genuinely do all of that before 9am if I wanted to. Do I? No, because I don't want to.

I don't like green juice and it's really not that great for you. By juicing the fruit and veg you're removing the majority of the fibre and leaving a bunch of sugar with reduced nutritional value. Now this would be fine if it actually tasted good, but it doesn't to me. I'm not trying to act like I'm better than anyone but if I'm going to drink something with very little nutritional value it better taste good.

I don't like waking up "early" to go work out. I wake up at 7-8am every day and that's good enough for me. I also don't like working out in the morning, it tires me out. I work out at 4pm, get home, cook and eat my dinner then chill for a few hours and go to sleep. I always get the best sleep when I do this and it's what works best for me.

I also don't like meditating or journalling in the morning either, I do both those things right before bed.

This all leads to my biggest problem about this trend.

While scrolling through tiktok the other day (before I deleted it) I saw this girl showing the behind the scenes to her self care account. The things she shows in those videos she didn't actually do. She'd get into her shower, film turning it on and never get in, film the face masks and never put them on and lay out pyjamas that she never wore.

It got me to thinking, how many people on the "That girl" trend are actually doing the things that they show and how many are just holding the pose for a second or two for the video then go pig out on the sofa.

My biggest problem is that people are doing it for the trend, for the aesthetic.

The that girl trend is an issue because of what it is.

The that girl trend is about becoming THAT girl that everyone sees on social media that has their life together, and while that isn't inherently wrong, the problem is that it's not really about being "That girl" it's about LOOKING like that girl.

No one is really doing the exercise to look after their body and become healthier, they're doing it to post it on their stories.

No one is drinking green juice because they like it or because it's good for them, they're drinking it because of the trend.

That's the problem, people aren't actually improving themselves, they're just pretending to.

Because self improvement isn't about waking up early drinking green juice, working out, journalling and meditating.

It's about doing things in that are actually achievable and can be maintained. There is no way that I can maintain waking up at 5am everyday to go to the gym, I tried it and I hated it. Now I wake up when I want to and go to the gym at a time that makes sense for me.

Self improvement isn't about journalling because of a trend, it's about journalling for whichever reason that you want to journal. I journal to organise and make sense of my thoughts which VASTLY helps my mental health. Others my journal just so they can look back on their previous days.

Self improvement isn't about eating healthy because of a trend, it's about eating healthy because listen, you only have this one life and this body and if you're going to be here living you better make the most of it and look after yourself.

When you do things because it's trendy, you miss the point a lot of the time. For example, half the 'healthy' meals I see aren't even that healthy. And also what's healthy for me may not be healthy for you.

Self improvement is about improving yourself, not about trying to come across a certain way for social media.

That girl isn't being looked down upon, "That girl" is inspiring but guess what, she does what she does because she wants to and it makes sense for her. not for social media.

Lastly, my love to answer the rest of your question.

"That Girl" Tikok vs Self Improvement Tumblr

I honestly don't think they're the same at all, though they can be if you only follow the aesthetic accounts on Tumblr.

I find that self improvement Tumblr teaches you ways to improve your life. Teaches you how to set boundaries and how to make yourself feel and look better. I've seen so many posts speaking out about being yourself and not following trends.

Self improvement Tumblr is about ACTUAL change. It teaches you how and TikTok just shows you the aesthetic and not so much the hard work that it takes to get there.

TikTok doesn't explain why you drink green juice, just that ooh it looks so pretty with this filter on it.

I've never seen a blog tell you to do something without telling you why, this way you can make an informed decision instead of just taking peoples word for it.

-

I hope this makes you feel better as I understand where you're coming from. Theres nothing wrong with being inspired by the trend or motivated by it. That's the whole point of it. But it's just not helpful when you're making moves to improve yourself because it doesn't tell you how to do it, it just shows you the final product.

Doing all the things that girl does won't make you that girl. Nor should you want to be. You should be the best version of yourself, not someone else.

And also, don't let other peoples thoughts on a trend take the fun out of it for you, you are more than capable of forming your own thoughts and opinions and you should.

Anxiety is hard I know. But there's such a beautiful freedom that comes from not caring about others opinions on you and doing what works best for you.

MUAH xx

[starryeyes-darkestnights]

Show Must Go On

Part 6 of We Dance Together Now

An O’Knutzy au where Leo and Logan are still playing for the Lions, but Finn is a musician/grad student they met by chance on a roadie in Montreal.

Read Part 5 here: 

Part 5 - Gold Rush

I also stuck this up on AO3, my username there is the same :)

As always, these beautiful characters and their world belong to the incredible @lumosinlove ! Her work is amazing, and I’m so happy to get to play with some of the people and places she’s created <3

The songs I referenced in here are Show Must Go On- Queen (briefly), I Wanna Dance With Somebody- Whitney Houston, and Ocean Eyes- Billie Eilish. 

I hope you like it!!!

@sunflowerfox87 thanks for requesting to be tagged in updates! :)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Logan

Logan stood nervously in front of the door to Finn and Leo’s apartment, wishing for the hundredth time that day that he hadn’t given in to Leo’s badgering to come by before Finn’s show tonight.

He was not looking forward to dealing with the consequences of his spiral last night. But he also didn’t want things to stay messed up between them, the way they had been that morning.

What he did want, was to pretend the whole thing had never happened. So, he’d spent his day searching for reasons to delay coming over, prolonging the amount of time he could spend not dealing with it.

But eventually he had run out of excuses, so now he was here. He could hear laughter coming from inside. That seemed like a good sign. He reached up and knocked before he could talk himself out of it, listening to the familiar sound of footsteps crossing the entryway.

Then Leo was there, smiling and holding open the door, still in the sweats he wore home from practise.

“Hey Tremz, come on in.”

Logan never been good at faking smiles, so he just nodded down at Leo’s legs, “Nice pants. You should have told me it was dress-down day at the Burrow.”

Leo just gave him a sarcastic look. “Ha ha. Very funny. I’m on my way to get changed now. Finn’s in the kitchen. Eat something if you’re hungry. I’ll be right back.”

He seemed like his usual self. That made Logan feel a bit better. Maybe he’d overreacted. Maybe everything was fine.

Leo left for his room, and Logan headed over to where Finn was finishing up the dishes in the kitchen.

“Hey, Fish.” He took a seat at the island, hoping he sounded normal too.

Finn turned at the greeting, his face lighting up when he caught sight of Logan.

“Lo! Hey. You’re here. How were the kids?”

Part of Logan’s procrastination that afternoon had involved volunteering to spend several hours playing a pickup game with the Dumais kids and their friends at the outdoor rink near their house- something he liked, but certainly wouldn’t have brushed off Leo and Finn for any other day.

“They’re good. Katie’s getting pretty cocky on the ice. I think she’s gonna end up as a captain one day.”

“Ah. Good for her.”

“Yeah.”

An awkward silence fell. Finn fidgeted with a dish towel, smiling nervously at him. Finn was never nervous.

Ok, so things were definitely not fine. Logan felt guilty as he remembered the laughter he had heard through the door. He didn’t want to be the cause of another ruined evening.

Leo reappeared at the other end of the kitchen island. “Do you want a drink, Tremz?”

“I’m sorry.” Logan blurted out.

Leo and Finn both looked surprised at his apology.

“Sorry… for what, exactly?” asked Leo, looking confused.

Logan was already regretting saying anything. But he was committed now. “Uh… for this morning. And last night, I guess. I was in a weird ass mood, and I didn’t mean to be weird to you guys too. I’m good now, though, so Finn, you can stop being all nervous around me. I don’t want to fuck up the evening. This is stupid.”

Finn jumped in to reassure him. “What? No, Logan, no, we were all weird this morning, don’t worry about that. That’s not what…”

He stopped suddenly, and shot a glance at Leo, looking even more nervous than he had a few moments before. Leo nodded back, subtly, but Logan caught it.

Now he was confused. What the hell was that?

He watched as Finn took the few steps around the island to stand next to Leo, who was looking at Logan with careful eyes.

“Tremz, we wanted to talk to you about something, if that’s ok?”

It was an innocuous question, but something in Leo’s voice put Logan on hyper alert. He jerked his attention to Finn, who was looking nervously up at Leo. He felt a chill go straight through his chest and settle in the pit of his stomach.

Oh.

He forced his eyes down to where their fingers were touching on the countertop.

Shit.

He stood up quickly, his chair screeching loudly as it slid back on the tiles. He couldn’t look away from their hands.

Leo followed his gaze down and yanked his arm back toward himself. “Lo…”

“Non.” He interrupted, “Non. Désolé. It’s good. That’s good, I- I am happy for you guys.” He swung his eyes wildly around the room, looking for an escape. He needed to leave, to get out, but Leo and Finn were standing between him and the front door.

He backed up a few steps, nearly tripping on the chair he didn’t remember knocking over as he remembered the balcony door. He grabbed for it, yanking it open and rushing out, sliding it closed behind himself.

He slid down the wall next to the door. Out of sight. Déjà vu. Just like that morning.

He was dizzy.

Breathe, Logan. He sucked in the fresh air. Once. Twice. Three times.

He tried to let the evening breeze calm him. He was making this into a scene again. He needed to pull it together before it became a thing.

He tried to reason with himself. You saw this coming. You know how well they fit together. You’ve suspected it since Ilvermorny.

He had even thought he would be ok with it.

He hadn’t known it would feel like this, though.

Just get it together. Make it through the night. That’s all you have to do. You can do it.

He gave himself to the count of 5 to compose himself, and then stood and slid the door back open. He stayed where he was, though, and waited for them to join him. He could do this, but he couldn’t do it inside, where he couldn’t breathe.

When Leo and Finn came, neither of them stood between him and the door, and Logan was grateful.

“Lo…” Leo’s voice was hesitant. “You didn’t let us finish.”

“Oui, je sais, I’m sorry, I was just surprised.” He plastered a smile on his face. “But, uh, congratulations?”

Finn shook his head. “That’s not really what we wanted to talk to you about. Or, I mean, it is, but that’s not all of it.”

It seemed to Logan like that first bombshell was more than enough information for the day, but he didn’t want to make this worse, so he went along with it anyway. “Ok. What else?”

Leo took back over, speaking slowly, like he was considering each word before he said it. “So… this afternoon, Finn and I talked, and we realized that maybe this—” He gestured between the three of them. “Us. Isn’t what we thought it was.”

Logan wasn’t following. Finn noticed and tried to explain.

“I told Leo, or, well, I guess I didn’t tell him, I kind of just sang at him, but it mostly got the point across, and—”

“Finn.” Leo cut him off, gently.  

Finn flushed. “Right. Sorry. The point,” his voice softened, “is that I made him aware that the feelings I had for him were more than just friendship. Which you figured out. But we also talked about the fact that… well, we know you feel the same way about him too.”

Finn’s voice was gentle, cautious but his words cut through Logan anyway. He felt the panic start to rise again. Fuck.

“What are you talking about?” Logan knew his words were sharper than they needed to be, but he couldn’t bring himself to temper them.

“Logan, it’s ok. I promise. That’s how I feel about you too.” Leo rushed, all of his previous caution gone. “And it’s how I feel about Finn, and I also know that’s how you feel about Finn. I’ve seen the way you two look at each other, and I’ve been looking at you both the same way. You just didn’t notice. None of us noticed.”

Logan was frozen in place, his eyes zigzagging wildly between the two men standing across from him.

They knew. They knew.

“What the fuck?”

He couldn’t deny it. He didn’t know if he wanted to deny it.

“Leo. Finn. What the fuck??”

Finn took a step forward, wide brown eyes completely unguarded as they locked onto Logan’s. His vulnerability sent Logan’s heart spinning. “We wanted to talk to you. We wanted to see if you wanted this too. If there was a way, if there was any way, that we could make this work. All of us. Do you think there could be?”

All of us. Logan hadn’t known that was a thing that could happen. But now that the idea was in front of him, it felt right. Like it had been right all along. His heart soared. Of course he wanted it too. With every fibre of his being, he wanted it. They liked him. They wanted him.

He could never have them.

Reality came crashing down around him.

He forced himself to answer Finn’s question.

“It doesn’t matter what I want, Finn. I can’t—” He looked at Leo. He would understand. “Leo. It can’t work out like this.”

“It can, Logan. As long as we are all on the same page, it can.”

Leo didn’t understand. Suddenly Logan felt very alone. His temper flared.

“You know it’s not that easy, Leo.” He snapped. “It doesn’t work like that! It can’t work like that. We are in the NHL, Nut! The NHL. We’ve worked our whole lives for this, and you’ve seen how people are. Look at what happened to Cap!”

Leo hadn’t been there at All-Stars after everything that happened to Sirius and Loops. He didn’t see how bad it got, how many phone calls Sirius had to take from Coach, how scared he was that entire weekend. Logan had taken his phone and deleted every social media app he had, but he had still been bombarded with hate from hockey fans and, worse, from people within the league itself.

Leo’s voice was firmer now. “Exactly, Logan. Look at Sirius. At his example. He is our captain. He is our gay captain, who is still very much playing in the NHL. And not just playing. He’s leading the league.”

“That is the POINT, Nut! He is the captain. He is arguably the best player in the league right now. And there were still that many people trying to kick him out! This is my second season. You’re a rookie. Do you really think people are going to go to bat for us like they did for him? For the two newest, youngest players on the team? We are expendable!”

He had thought about this. About the impossibility of it all. From the moment he had recognized his feelings for Leo, he had known it would never work.

He waited for Leo to get it now, to agree. But instead, Leo just moved to lean against the wall next to him, keeping a few feet between them. His voice was gentle when he replied.

“Yes, Logan. I do think they would go to bat for us. I know Sirius would. Coach would. Alice would. I’m not saying we should do anything publicly, but behind the scenes, you know that they would work to help protect us in the case that anything ever came out in the future.”

He shifted, turning so that he could look Logan in the eye for what he said next. “It was never going to be easy for people like us, Tremz. I’m terrified too. I never meant to be in this position either, but we are, and… what happened with Sirius…” He shook his head, his gaze dropping. It was still hard for him to think about too, Logan realized. “…what happened with Sirius showed us that the people who matter, the people we need to have our backs, will. We are allowed to live, Logan.”

Logan had never wanted something to be true so badly. He ran over Leo’s words in his mind. We are allowed to live.

“I don’t want to lie, Leo. I don’t want to hide. That’s not who I am.”

“We don’t have to. We can tell the people who matter, Lo. It’s nobody else’s business. It’s only about what makes us comfortable. What makes us happy. Neither of us are ever going to push you into anything you don’t want, or that you aren’t ready for. I just don’t ever want you to think that you can’t have what will make you happy. You deserve to be happy. Whether it’s with us or not.”

Logan listened to the kindness in Leo’s voice, and felt the fight drain out of him. He was so tired of constantly battling against himself. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. That fire that always burned inside him had fizzled out, leaving him with nothing but the feelings he had been trying to push away for months. Feelings for the two people who were standing right in front of him, right now, telling him that they wanted him too. That he could have them, too. That he could have this, and his career, and it could work.

He wanted to believe it.

He looked up at Leo, beside him. At Finn, standing quietly across from him. He tried to imagine walking away from them right now. It made him feel sick.

Finn spoke into the silence. “Logan, I can’t pretend to understand what your job is like. And I won’t try. But I do need you to know that I am here, and I’m not going anywhere, no matter what you decide to do. I’ll always be here, in whatever capacity you need.”

Logan’s throat tightened at Finn’s words and suddenly he knew that he was done. It was over. He was going to trust them. Relief flooded through him as he accepted it.

He didn’t want to talk anymore, but he knew they needed to hear him say it. So he pulled together as much composure as he could and tried his best.

“I didn’t want to want you. I tried so hard not to want you. I told myself so many times that I could do it, that I could keep my feelings under control.” His voice was shaky. He looked at Leo. At Finn. “But you took over everything. Everything.”

He breathed out the next words as he felt himself moving closer to Finn. “I don’t want to fight it anymore. I can’t- I just want—” He hoped they could understand what he was trying to say.

It seemed that they did, because suddenly they were both right in front of him, and one of his hands was behind Finn’s neck, and the other was desperately reaching out for Leo and finally- finally- he stopped fighting against himself.

He pulled Finn to him, and then Finn’s lips were on his lips, and Leo’s were on his jaw, and all of his senses were lit up like a lightning storm. In that moment, his entire world was just that apartment, that balcony, those boys. He let himself get lost in the feeling of it all, pulling away from Finn to connect with Leo, pulling away from Leo to let them connect with each other. Everything was so bright.

It felt like forever, and not long enough, when they finally took a moment to catch their breath. Logan let his eyes roam over their tangled forms from where he was still wrapped around Leo, and let out a quiet, wonder-filled laugh. Leo turned to him and tilted his head in question, his chest still heaving where Finn was resting against it. Logan just leaned in and kissed him again, gently this time. He leaned their foreheads together and touched his fingertips to Leo’s lips. “Quand je t'embrasse… je vois des couleurs.”

Leo’s shining blue eyes softened at that, and Logan felt his grip tighten around his waist before Finn, never a fan of being left out, started to complain. “Hey! Don’t speak French. That looked cute. I want to hear the cute things! What did he say?”

Logan laughed, and Leo grinned at him mischievously before turning back to Finn. “Logan’s vision goes all technicolour when he kisses us.”

Logan’s jaw dropped mid-laugh. “Nutty! That is not what I said! It was much nicer when I said it. You make it sound like a bad Austin Powers scene.” He pouted.

Finn laughed back and ran a thumb along Logan’s lower lip, erasing the pout. “Well, if you would speak English in the first place, you wouldn’t have to rely on a faulty translator.”

It was Leo’s turn to protest. “Hey! I’m not faulty!” He paused, fighting back a smirk. “I’m freestyling.”

“Oh, fuck off!” Logan laughed and gave him a shove. Leo was just reaching out to retaliate when Finn’s phone interrupted, suddenly blasting Show Must Go On at an absolutely obnoxious volume.

All three of them startled, Leo and Logan freezing with Logan’s hand still twisted in the shoulder of Leo’s shirt. Finn frantically spun around, looking for the source of the music.

He finally spotted his phone on an end table and scooped it up, silencing it with a relieved sigh before looking over to where Logan was staring at him incredulously.

“… what?” He looked a little suspicious as he tucked his phone back into his pocket.

“What do you mean, ‘what’? Was that an alarm?? Why don’t you have beeps like a normal person?? Merde, Harz, you scared the shit out of us.”

“It’s Finn, Lo. He used a song to start this party, of course he’s going to use one to end it.” Leo’s voice was playful. Finn wrinkled his nose at them.

“Beeps are boring.” He crossed his arms defensively. “Music is more fun. And it’s my reminder that I have a show tonight. Hence—” He swept his arms dramatically out over the balcony railing and bowed to an imaginary crowd, “—'Show Must Go On’.” He spun back to smile brightly at the two of them. “It’s perfect. You’re just a hater.”

Leo laughed, but Logan was still stuck on what Leo had said.

“Hold on, Nut, back up. You said he used a song to start this party? Finn said he sang things at you. Can I know the story?” He wanted to know how they had gotten up the nerve to set this in motion.

“Oh,” Leo turned to Finn, who nodded even though he suddenly looked uncharacteristically self-conscious, “I kind of walked in on Finn playing a song about us this afternoon. When I got back from practise.”

“A song about us? Like, he wrote it? About us?” That was not what he expected. He wasn’t sure how to feel about it- after all, he hadn’t exactly been his best self around Finn recently.

“Ya, that was pretty much my reaction while I listened, too. That’s what finally made us talk about all of this. It’s a beautiful song. Prettier than either of us, that’s for sure.” He teased

“Hey, speak for yourself, I am very pretty.” Logan retorted reflexively, but he was distracted.

He had been watching Finn as Leo talked, and he noticed him doing the thing he always did when they brought up his music, twisting his hands together and looking anywhere but at them- looking, in fact, like he would rather be doing anything else than talking about his music. He’d never asked him about it before, but he’d always wondered.

“Finn?”

“Hmm?” Finn looked up, a smile returning like it had never left.

“Why do you do that? Look away when we talk about your music?”

“Oh. Umm…” Finn looked surprised, his eyes going wide before darting back down again. He opened his mouth as if to continue, but closed it again without speaking.

Logan felt Leo’s hand tighten around his shoulder, but he ignored the gentle warning and barrelled on.

“You’re good, Finn. Like, really good. As in, you could do this as a career, good. So why are you so shy when we say that?”

Finn didn’t look back up, and when he replied, his voice was small, and quiet. Not at all like Finn.

“I can’t, actually.” He scuffed his shoe against a mark on the balcony floor.

Logan tilted his head, puzzled. “Can’t what?” He prodded gently.

Finn took a breath and looked back up a Logan, his jaw set. “I can’t do music professionally. I tried. That’s why I moved to Gryffindor. I spent the first few years here only going to school part-time, and spending as much time as I could just writing, and practising, and playing any venue that would have me. I have knocked on every single record label door in this city. Multiple times. They don’t want me. And it took me a long time to understand that. So, I gave that dream up. Now I just play for fun. For me.”

Logan was stunned. “Finn, I’m sorry, I—”

Finn cut him off, his expression softening. “No, Lo, you don’t have anything to be sorry for. I should have told you guys that before. It’s not like it’s a big secret. I just… it’s hard. It’s hard to hear people say nice things about my music when I know it’s not good enough. You know? So I don’t always like talking about it. And it’s also… I mean, you’re both professional athletes. I’m so proud of you guys all the time, because you know what it’s like to work hard for what you want and to actually achieve it. And I didn’t want you to think less of me because I couldn’t do that.”

“Finn…” Leo started to reach out, but pulled his hand back. “I am so sorry if we’ve ever done anything to give you the impression that we would ever judge you. I promise, nothing you’ve ever said to us, today or any other day, could ever make me think less of you.”

Finn chuckled a bit, still looking at the ground. “I know. Logically, I know that. But sometimes it takes my heart a while to catch up to my brain.” He studied them for a moment before continuing. “I am really glad that you like my songs though. That makes me happy.”

“Like them?” Leo scoffed. “Finn, I threw away every rule I’d given myself and kissed you after you sang to me. I more than like your music.”

Finn actually laughed then, finally, and stepped toward them. Logan watched him reach out for their hands and slide their fingers together. He rubbed his thumb along the edge of Finn’s calloused fingers, imaging the guitar strings underneath them.

“That means a lot. Really. It took me a while to be able to write again after I finally realized it wasn’t going to happen.” He chewed his lip as he considered his words. “I was in a pretty dark place. It was Molly, actually, at the Burrow, who convinced me to let the music pull me out of it. And she was right, of course. Once I stopped trying to think of every lyric as a job application, I was able to actually enjoy it again, to remember why I loved it in the first place. It’s how I sort out my thoughts when everything is too messy in my head.”

Something shook loose in Logan’s memory then. “Wait… that song. The one you played the first night we came to see you here. There was a line… ‘I remember nights when art didn’t feel like work’. You said it was about moving to Gryffindor but… is this what it was actually about? Is that what you felt like?”

Finn looked surprised. “You remember that?”

“Yes. I also remember telling you that I liked that song and wanted to download it, so you should have known I would remember it.” he teased.

Finn grinned at him. “I thought you were just being nice. And yes, that is what that song was about. But, if it’s ok, I don’t really want to talk about it anymore right now.” His expression grew mischievous as he pulled himself closer to Logan, and to Leo. “I have two beautiful, perfect men standing on my balcony that I would very much like to—”

His phone blared from his pocket again.

“No!” Finn yanked it out of his pocket, silenced it, and threw it grumpily onto the chair cushion. “Rude. How did that go by so fast?”

Leo laughed, reaching his hands above his head for a lazy stretch before pulling Finn’s head in for a hug. “So, is that our siren call? Do we have to head out now?”

Finn sighed, deeply and dramatically. “Yes. The time has come, my friends. It’s to the plank we go.”

“Oh, shut up,” Logan grinned, ruffling Finn’s hair. “You love the Burrow.”

“I would love it more if it wasn’t interrupting this.”

“We have all night to do more of this.” Leo reminded him. “Lo and I have the day off tomorrow, and you don’t have class on the weekends.”

“That’s true.” Finn perked up. “You always were the smart one, Marigold. Ok, let’s go!”

Finn ducked out of Leo’s reach as the younger boy tried to retaliate against the nickname Finn only ever used to annoy him. The two of them were laughing now, but Logan felt his anxiety start to rise up at the thought of leaving the apartment, of going into a public space.

He reached out an arm to catch Finn on his way through the door. “Wait. Just… one second.”

Finn and Leo both stopped, looking at him curiously. He suddenly felt self-conscious.

“Um, before we go, can we just… can we agree that this is just between us? Just for now?”

Leo moved to stand directly in front of him, right next to Finn. He waited until Logan met his eyes, and then held them, steady.

“Logan. Of course. We told you we have no intention of doing anything you aren’t ready for and we meant it. And you’re not alone. I don’t think either of us is ready for this to be between anyone but us right now either.”

Finn nodded his agreement. “For everyone else, we are just three best friends, going to a coffee shop to watch a show and drink some liquid sugar. It’s us, Logan. You’re safe with us. I promise.” He grinned and shoved Logans hat down over his eyes. “Now seriously. Let’s go before I kiss one of you again and miss my start time.”

---

Finn

It was the longest show of Finn’s life. He tried his best to be in the moment, but all he could think of was how badly he wanted to be back at the apartment, with the two men he absolutely could not look at the entire time he played.

He had glanced over when he had finished his set-up, taking a moment before starting to just remind himself that they were real, that all of this was real.

Leo had been laughing at something Logan said, and Logan was watching him from across the table with a look that tugged at Finn’s heartstrings. He would never get over it- these two athletes with their strong postures and broad shoulders, their open smiles, and beautiful eyes. One so kind, and steady, and sure, the other so wild and passionate. And they wanted him. It was insane. Leo had noticed Finn watching and sent him a smile that made his heart skip, and Finn knew if he wanted to get through the set, he couldn’t look over again. It was a weird moment for him, as he remembered how awful it had been the first time he’d thought that exact thing, in this same place, at the first show they had ever come to see him play. This time he had a much happier reason to avoid looking their way.

Finn worked his way through the setlist he had rehearsed, trying his best to be present and give the audience his best. It was an easy enough set, all cover songs he had played a hundred times before. He decided at the last minute to throw in a new cover of one of his favourite Eagles songs, taking a quick glance to see that Leo caught the joke. He did, and Finn watched him lean over to explain it to Logan before he had to look away.

For once, the boys were ready to go immediately after he finished cleaning up. He stuck around long enough to give Molly a hug, feeling particularly sentimental toward her after that afternoon, and then they were all piled into his car and blasting Leo’s 90s pop playlist with the windows down.

Finn felt lighter than he had in a very long time. The weight of his secrets was finally off his shoulders, and the knowledge that when they got home he could kiss the boys currently screaming along to Christina Aguilera in the passenger seats of his car eclipsed all his other worries.

They managed to keep it together for the entire walk up from the parking lot, but as soon as the door shut behind them, Logan had Finn pinned up against it. Leo linked back up to the Bluetooth system and Whitney Houston’s I Wanna Dance With Somebody blared through the apartment. Finn laughed into Logan’s mouth when he heard it, pushing him forward into the living room and shoving the coffee table out of the way as Leo danced up behind them.

Leo grabbed Logan’s hands and drew him in for his own kiss, dipping him low and spinning around to twirl him away and pull Finn in. The air was electric as they moved: spinning and touching and kissing and jumping. Too full of dizzy energy to stay in one spot for more than the amount of time it took to pull in close and explode apart. They were sweating and panting and laughing in the dim lighting, reveling in each other’s touch as they danced together in a way they’d never been able to before.

At one point, Finn had tried to step back from the chaos, to let Leo and Logan have a moment while he tried to take it all in. But Leo had reeled him back in close instead, pulling Logan in to sandwich him from the other side.

“We dance together now.” he had said, voice low and confident in their ears.

His words had lit Finn up, set his mind reeling with everything that had happened in the past 12 hours, with the feeling of having both boys there in his arms. He didn’t think he would ever be calm again.

But as the night wore on the energy gradually shifted, and by the time Ocean Eyes came up on the playlist, Finn was finally slowing down. Logan was next, dropping his head to Finn’s shoulder, and then Leo wrapped his long arms around both of them, swaying together as the lyrics washed over them. They were quiet together then, just breathing in each other’s presence. Finn buried his face in Logan’s dark curls, and felt Logan reaching for Leo’s hand. Leo had his chin resting on Finn’s head, and Finn had never felt more right than he did in that moment. He sang along quietly to the lyrics, relishing the way Logan sank further into him as he did.

As the final notes played out, Leo pulled away long enough to switch off his phone. They collapsed together on the couch then, somehow even more wound together than they had been before. Finn wasn’t sure he ever wanted to be farther apart from them than this, ever again.

---

Leo

The three of them sat in silence for a few moments, hands roaming and fingers tangling together as they settled down. Leo couldn’t stop pressing kisses to Finn’s temple.

It was Logan who eventually broke their silence, sighing contentedly from where he was burrowed low in between them.

“I like this apartment.” His voice was soft as his fingertips traced shapes on Leo’s leg.

Leo caught Finn’s eye before the two of them looked over at him.

“You do?” Finn asked.

“Ya.” He paused for moment, looking thoughtful. “It reminds me of the woods, back home.”

That made Finn smile. “Lo, we don’t have so much as a potted plant in here.”

“That’s not what I meant.” Logan looked a little embarrassed then. “I meant like, mentally. I don’t know. It’s kind of stupid, actually. Never mind.”

Leo pulled Logan a little tighter. “Hey, no. Keep going. We want to know.”

“We do.” Finn agreed, running a finger down the length of Logan’s nose before leaning down to kiss the tip of it. “Please tell us?”

Logan rolled his eyes, but he was smiling again now. He shoved himself up to actually sit properly on the couch between them.  “I just… at home, when I’m hiking or camping, it’s just quiet.”

Finn turned to fully face Logan, his arms wrapped around his legs and chin resting on his knees. Leo leaned against his end of the couch as they listened to Logan talk.

Logan continued. “It’s just you, you know? There are no other voices around to get in your head, nothing to worry about or stress over, and it’s… free, I guess. I’m free in the woods” He paused for a moment, looking like he was trying to decide whether to say more. Leo ran a reassuring hand down his arm and wove their fingers together.

Logan smiled down to where they connected, took a breath, and continued, “It’s the only place where I didn’t have to pretend. Where I could let myself feel all of the things I needed to feel. Admit things to myself that I never could have when there were other people around. Other reminders of the real world, you know?” He looked up at Leo. “It’s the place where I finally accepted that what I felt for you was much, much different than what I was supposed to feel for a teammate. It’s a safe place.”

Leo was looking at Logan. This impossibly beautiful boy. Logan was looking back at him, evergreen eyes open and unguarded. It made Leo’s stomach flip. He reached out for Logan then, and pulled him close.

Finn spoke up, quietly, from where he still sat. “And that’s what you feel when you’re here?”

Logan nodded. “Ya. That’s how I feel when I’m here.”

Leo watched Finn melt, sliding down the couch to hug Logan from the other side. “That makes me so happy. I want this to always be that place for you.” He whispered, twining his fingers with Leo’s where they rested on Logan’s chest.

“You’re that place for us, Lo.” Leo pressed their hands firmly against Logan’s heartbeat. “You make us feel safe too.”

After a moment, Logan cleared his throat and spoke again.

“Those woods are also the first place I accidentally drunk-peed on a skunk.”

That pulled a surprised, and probably highly unattractive, snort out of Leo.

Finn pulled back to look at Logan incredulously, “I’m sorry, the FIRST time?!?”

Logan just grinned in response.

“Please tell me that’s a real story.”

“It is.”

“Tell it to us, right now!” Finn demanded gleefully.

Logan laughed again as he leaned back into the couch cushions to start his story. Leo took a second to just take it all in. Logan, care-free and laughing. Finn, eyes glowing with delighted anticipation.

He sent out a silent thank you to whatever part of the universe had worked its magic in the last 24 hours, and settled in to listen, arms wrapped around both of the boys.

His boys.

---

[sadwsocc]

Lost & found [Akaashi x reader]

Word count: 2,351 words

Warning(S): angst but not really with a kinda fluff ending and bad writing (midnight me should really stop doing this)

A/n: i’m sad again haha (this was me two days ago) ok so I wrote like half and then continued only for it to BE DELETED. So I rewrote the lower half. All of these were written at like three different 2 ams. I was planning on posting it on Akaashis bday by i missed it ಥ_ಥ.

Ngl i forgot like half of what I wrote here

Somewhere between having to study for your mid year exams and your club activities that you found yourself being rather depressed. Everything was going well from an outsiders view but to you, it felt so off. Even the slightest things that seemed off would make you feel so terribly annoyed. The fear of not being on par with your parents expectations of you and your grades and the creeping doubts and negativity in the back of your head was enough to make a stable person break. You were able to handle it of course,even if it was holding on to the very last fibre of the string that held your sanity.

You pushed it so far back that at some point you thought it might all be well, the pessimism in you somehow got flushed down and was out of your system. You were wrong. In fact you were quite very far off, the worries that you pushed back was in actuality slowly growing larger and larger as time progressed.

By the time you realised, it was already too late. Even though after everything went by smoothly, you have never felt so utterly lost before. You even forgot why you had chosen the club you were in— the girls volleyball club. Perhaps it was because you once had interest in it?

You started skipping practice, telling your teammates that you weren’t feeling well or that you had things to do back at home or errands to run but the truth was you lost the will to do anything. Every time you went home, all you would do was lie on your bed and stare blankly at your ceiling wondering about things for hours yet you could never recall what you were thinking about. You were so overrun by emptiness, you even started eating less, your appetite was slowly gone and your parents didn’t realise until your father asked if everyone wanted to go to dinner together at a new diner that had opened not too long ago.

Class wasnt any better, your grades wasn’t slipping but you sure as hell weren’t satisfied with it. You kept on comparing yourself to others in your class, belittling yourself. It didn’t make you feel any better but you couldn’t help it. Your mind was only filled with pessimism. You wanted to be alone.

It was any other school day, it was lunch and the class before that made you lose your apetite due to the fact that your teacher had to lecture everyone about how no one in your class —besides a few top students— was able to pass this terms history test. You, fortunately had passed but just barely. Just as the lunch bell rang, everyone went out. You waited until you were the very last one in class to take your leave but before you left the teacher gave you a glare that you had instantly understood, “that applies to you too, (y/n)-San.”

You gulped, nodding as you quickly left. God you hated your history teacher, as if you weren’t already feeling like you were a failure and that you weren’t smart enough, he made sure you knew that.

You decided to go up the rooftop for the first time since school started and sat alone on an empty bench as you pondered about how much days has it been since you had skipped practice. And in that dazed state, two males came walking by rather loudly (one was, the other was rather annoyed by the former male). Your train of thought was cut short when a guy with spiky black hair that was faded to white pointed at you with his eyes large and full with bewilderment.

“What aRE YOU DOING HERE?” his other hand that wasn’t pointing at you was hugging three sandwiches with his forearm and one half eaten sandwich that he was holding.

“Uh-...” and then you stared at the other guy that was standing next to him, “Akaashi-san?” You asked.

Akaashi, your classmate, simply replied with a hello and gave you a sorry look, probably because you had to interact with the guy he was standing next to.

“AKAASHI, yOU KNOW HER?” The still unknown male turned his head to Akaashi with a confused look.

“Yes, Bokuto-san. Shes my classmate, (l/n) (y/n)-San”

You stared at Bokuto and gave him a weak smile as you lifted your hands to wave at him. Realisation hit you that you were probably sitting at their seat so you promptly stood up and excused yourself. Only to be stopped by Bokuto telling you it was fine and that you could sit with the two of them. And so you did, awkwardly, in between the two of them.

“Are you not going to eat anything, (l/n)-San?” Akaashi finally spoke up. You had been staring at your knees for so long, when you finally looked up at Akaashi, you were delighted with half a sandwich he was offering to you. You took it with a confused look dawning on your face but you still thanked him. Akaashi took notice of your demeanour and simply said, “you kinda seemed hungry.”

“I do?” You asked, still holding up the half sandwich he gave you as you stared into his beautiful green eyes.

What?

His what?

“Yes.” He replied. You averted your eyes as you finally took a bite out of the sandwich.

Suddenly, you felt terrible for eating half of your classmates’ lunch so you asked, “Won’t you be hungry too?” You felt awful. But the awfulness was soon washed away by Akaashi’s calm and reassuring smile.

“Hey, hey, hey. (Y/n)-chan, you’re really lucky, you know? Akaaaashi doesn’t even let me have a bite of his lunch. EVER.” Bokuto pouted, giving Akaashi quite a nasty look as he sulked.

Akaashi simply sighed, “how many times do I have to tell you this, Bokuto-San. You already have a lot of food, you don’t need mine too.”

You looked back and forth whenever one of them spoke as you quietly ate you sandwich. After their conversation, —which ended with Bokuto giving Akaashi a mini silent treatment and Akaashi giving Bokuto an annoyed face— your neck hurt. You honestly enjoyed talking to them (more or less). And when lunch ended, Bokuto sulked his way back to his class, leaving you with Akaashi to walk back to your own.

Since the two of you would be walking back to the same destination you had to endure what you thought might be another one of those awkward silence that always filled the air whenever you were forced to walk with someone you barely know. Much to your surprise, it was oddly comfortable. You didn’t hate it, it was somewhat a relieve for you. The only time the silence was broken was when you remembered that you had to thank him for half his sandwich and that you would be buying him another sandwich someday. Akaashi refused the sandwich but you still insisted on it.

In the end, it was resolved by you promising him that you’d repay him one way or another someday, to which he hesitantly accepted the offer. The way his eyes widen when you mentioned that you had to repay him made your world stop for a second, his eyes. Those were the only thing you were seeing in that split second, it was honestly mesmerising. You wanted to have that little moment encased forever for yourself. It was honestly such a weird thought for yourself but it felt right.

After that day, nothing much had changed. Your relationship with Akaashi barely progressed and you hadn’t gone up to the rooftop for lunch since the incident because you were picked out by your homeroom teacher to help her out with the upcoming school festival that would be held. Apparently you were chosen because as Ms Nakamura said, and you quote “thought you seem like you probably don’t have anything to do during lunch”. What she said honestly took a jab in your heart because of how accurate it was. You really did nothing most of the time.

The underlying pessimistic thoughts in you were still creeping at the back of your mind. Sometimes you would stop what you were doing and just stare blankly for a split second. One split second was enough to make you suddenly feel like everything was wrong and that it was going down in a spiral either ways.

What were you doing?

Those words seemed to keep repeating itself in your head even if you didn’t want it to. Whenever you stopped for a second on what you were doing or when you smiled kindly towards your classmates whenever you made eye contact. You were so lost. You didn’t get it. Everything familiar to you felt so foreign sometimes. It left you so confused, you somehow felt like you lost your way.

A week after the incident, you were still helping out with the festival. Ms Nakamura was absent that day, leaving a substitute in charge. You weren’t really good with others and the substitute seemed to pick at every little mistake you did and even the way you button up the collar of your shirt.

All you did was place one of the boxes on the wrong table and he started fuming, spitting things out like “Why cant you just do it correctly? What are you a toddler? Has your mother ever taught you how to listen to orders? You’re quite useless aren’t you?”

You’ve had it. That was quite your last straw. The very last fibre of the string that was holding you back from losing your composure. The bad days that piled up had finally started spilling. You couldn’t hold it in anymore.

With a shaky voice, you excused yourself from your duty and left. Tears pricked your eyes as you walked up the stairs towards the rooftop. When you finally reached, you went over to the very edge and put your hands on the rails. It was awful. You hated this feeling. You felt so alone and lost you needed a break.

You turned around and slid down against the floor. With your back against the rails and your arms hugging your knees, you let the long overdue tears escape from the faucets in your eyes. The tears that you had held back for so long had finally burst out and rolled down your cheeks, down to your chin, even the rails that you gripped tightly on and your shirt was stained with your tears. Every negative thoughts in your head were screaming at you all at once, you just wanted it to stop. You were so lost. Why was everything going south for you. What was the point in everything?

Your thoughts came to an abrupt pause when a familiar voice called out to you.

“(L/n), I finally found you.” It was the same calm and soothing voice you’d hear sometimes, it was your classmate, Akaashi.

You looked up from your knees, promptly making eye contact with him. You used your sleeve to wipe away the tears, trying to hide the fact that you were crying even though it was pretty obvious to anyone that you were.

Mustering up all your will, you finally spoke out. “Why were you looking for me, did- did the sub ask you to... A-and why aren’t you with your friend?”

Akaashi Inched closer to you and bent down so that he was at eye level with you. With a warm smile he said, “to answer your second question, Bokuto-San caught a cold...” there was a long pause and you were left wondering why he answered the second question first, your worst fears were starting to rise but before any of those thoughts could appear, he continued, “and as for the first... it was because you seemed so lost these days. And- you know I’m here for you, right?”

You stared at him as he stood up again, holding out his hand when he arose as to let you hold onto it and lift you up. You hesitantly accepted his offer and stood up.

“Its- it’s just that, I”ve been having such terrible days lately... a-and then our substitute kept on mumbling stuff about how useless and pathetic I was... and- and then I thought about how much I lost myself and... how I’m so lonely and pathetic I- I couldn’t do a-“ Before you could even finish your sentence, Akaashi pulled you into an embrace, promptly shutting you up. It was in a way a sign to tell you that you didn’t need to explain yourself and to let you know that it was fine if you just wanted to cry.

Your tears started to pour out again. Only this time it was on Akaashis chest, resulting in him having an odd tear stain on the middle of his chest. After what felt like forever, you decided to pull away from his hug, you suddenly felt a lot better yet you missed the warmth of his body against you.

You looked up from his chest and saw the same warm and kind smile he gave, it felt reassuring and you were glad he was there for you. He was kind enough to be your shoulder (it’s actually chest but shhh) to cry on and he always gave you the kindest, softest smiles that could always make you feel somewhat better.

The bell rang, signifying that lunch had ended. It was then realisation dawned on you that you had cried on Akaashi”s chest. You suddenly felt embarrassed, and felt that if you weren’t already red from crying, you would be red now. You took a step back and started to ramble on, “I- Akaashi, I- I’m so sorry I ruined your shirt, people might think that I suddenly hugged you or something andthatyourfangirlsthatyoudontknowaboutmightalsokillme and I still have to repay you for that time and now this-“ but you were never able to finish your sentence because of what came next.

“You can repay me by being my girlfriend”

[caroline18mars]

A Man On Fire - Chapter 60

Was it months, days that she followed the same regime of staring at the ceiling inbetween crying her heart out? Did it matter? She could barely eat, even getting up to shower or going to the toilet was almost too much to ask. All that kept buzzing around her head was the image of him..oh he had called and texted alright, every message unread and every call unanswered until her battery went dead and that's how she left it, she had no need to talk to anyone, she didn't have a phone before all this and that's how she wanted to keep it. Who would miss not hearing from her? Nobody, once a loner always a loner and once again he had proven to her that me, myself and I was the best option possible. Her own bed here in the heart of New York was the only place she wanted or needed to be, slowly she got up to get something to drink, catching her own reflection in the huge mirror that leaned against the wall in the corridor..she stopped, her curves had made way for a stick figure look, her eyes red-rimmed and hollow staring back at her, he would've loved me more if I had looked like this from the beginning, all his women always looked like this, dangerously thin, hollow-eyed. Let it go, Coco..he was never yours to begin with, you fell for his little scheme hook, line and sinker, the joke's on you..he replaced you with that girl and she's the one sleeping with him, getting fucked by him every night..she clapped her hand over her mouth as she started gagging and ran to the bathroom, throwing up nothing but bile. When she was done, she curled up on the cold tile floor, it was fine here, she didn't have any energy left to drag herself back to bed and cried her heart out for the millionth time.

Shannon approached his brother gently, for weeks he had been severely depressed, getting up, calling her several times a day, hardly eating, show, not sleeping, repeat..it was heartbreaking to watch how he flipped on the 'actor' switch in himself, acting all normal to everyone else while he knew that he was slowly dying on the inside. “Hey..managed to get some sleep?” he knew the answer already but what else was there to ask these days? Jared stopped staring at his breakfast with a disgusted look on his face, “some..” he shrugged and let his fork clatter against the plate while Shannon sat down in front of him. “I'll be glad to get back to the States tonight” he sighed looking at Jared's reaction who suddenly bit his lip nervously and tried to avoid the subject, “I mean, finally you can go and see her” he pushed, “and say what? Nobody's phone is switched off for weeks on end, she's probably taken another number so it's clear she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore..and I can't blame her”. For the first time ever, it dawned on him that his little brother had started to look his age, wrinkles of worry around his eyes, pale face, scruffy beard..it was painful to see him suffer this way, apart from Cameron he had never seen him this distraught after a break-up.

The doorbell rang and she actually felt it ring through her body, no, I don't care, I don't want to open that door, no it wasn't him because he was still on tour back in Europe, her hands shaking she picked up the doorphone. Five minutes later her canvases, drawings, brushes were being brought inside, on automatic pilot she scribbled her signature on the palmtop , it was all here..he'd sent it and she hadn't asked for it, confirming once again that he was through with all her nonsense, she was done with it too, she didn't need it either, she hated being confronted with it again, but what could she do? Tell these guys to keep it, or throw it somewhere in a bin? “Thanks” she was too tired to even force a smile and closed the door on their way out. Confrontational? Too many memories? Heartbreaking and painful? Tick all those boxes. She plodded over to her fridge and took out the last bottle, was it that time already where you try to gather your life back together? She wiped her sleeve over her eyes, I need to stop crying, just not now, not ever, sipping from the bottle she plodded over to the middle of her room and plopped down to the floor, stretching her painful muscles until she just lay there, completely still and looking out of the roof window, lightpolution was a thing in NY so she couldn't really see the stars but goddammit could they just stop twinkling, there was absolutely no reason for it.

Do I want wi-fi? Why the hell would I need wi-fi on a plane? It's not as if I'm gonna suddenly get a reply to my 1500th mail I've sent, so just leave me alone and get me a goddamn drink, you flying waitress. Jared leaned back in his seat with a growl, he didn't want to go home, back in Europe he felt closer to her than going back to the country where she actually was, the fuck was that all about? Too fuckin scared and no balls to actually go to her apartment and confront her, scared of getting the door slammed in his face, it was easier to see this silence as some kind of way of still being connected somehow, pretending she just needed time to cool down and after that she would just call or mail him and tell him she'd forgiven him. Every time the thought crossed his mind, his heart jumped in hope, only to plummeth straight back down realizing it was just a daydream, she wasn't coming back and she was never gonna forgive him for what he'd done, why would she? He shuddered just thinking about her loathing him as much as he loathed himself, when she left he had lost everything, his heart was ripped out of his chest that day, and from then on every fibre in his body was high strung and numb, he didn't feel anymore, he didn't care about anything anymore, he just didn't live anymore, he had become a vampire, sleeping the day away so he wouldn't have to feel anything and only coming back to life at night on a stage.

Moaning she tried to sit up, sleeping on a cold floor had frozen every limb in her body, her throat was dry and sore, where was her bag? There were some throat drops in there somewhere. She stumbled across the room, there it was, rummaging through her bag, her phone fell out, leave it, nothing interesting on there..but she was hungry..maybe order something? Her thumb was pushing down on the button and it quietly singsonged back to life after weeks, her code..where was that number of the local Chinese restaurant, I must have a menu here somewhere. Behind her, a cacophony of bleeps and noise startled her..what the fuck, she took the menu but she couldn't even use the phone app as notifications kept piling up on her screen, no I don't care..I'm just gonna call the restaurant and then switch it off again, I don't want to see it and I don't want to read it, I don't fucking care! Boiling with anger she punched in the numbers and barked her order, throwing the phone on the counter in disgust after it was done, she just needed to sit down and slowly buried her head in her arms, through the tiny holes in the knitwear of her jumper she glared at the phone that kept lighting up like a christmas tree. Wait what date was it? It was december, right? Wasn't it her birthday soon or maybe it had already gone by without her knowing? Her fingers tiptoed over the counter, sliding the dreaded device closer, it was the 10th, 8 days to go till her birthday..a lonely birthday..but what else was new? She didn't want to but her eyes slid over the notifications, Jared, Jared, Jared, Jared, Jared..disgusted she pushed the phone away again, only reading the name had the tears streaming down her face until the doorbell rang and food was  being handed to her. Why were these noodles cold already? How long had she been staring at the wall lost in her thoughts? Sighing she pushed a biteful of cold noodles in her mouth, she had to eat if she wanted this thumping headache to stop, while her hand reached for the phone again, if she deleted them now plus his number and everything to do with him, she could maybe turn a leaf and start over.

The entire Mars tribe that flocked together around a luggage conveyor belt in an airport, how many times had he done this already? Let someone else get his bag, he was heading for the exit, stretch his legs, without her he felt older somehow. Walking past a tax free store full of designer handbags, he paused, that bag..it was the same bag she had admired  with in Europe, she'd said that she could never afford it and had walked away with a heavy heart, she wasn't a material girl but that bag she had fallen in love with. I'll buy it, it's her birthday in a few days..Once again he was painfully reminded that there was no more 'them', please don't let her spend her birthday on her own, the thought alone was killing him right now, who was gonna make her breakfast in bed? Shower her with gifts, take her out to dinner and organize her birthday party? She'd told him that no-one had ever done that for her before and that she was really looking forward to things being different this year..his breath got stuck in his throat, walk away, just get out of here you arrogant, stupid prick.

From: BJLCubbins

To: HCDeRobiano

Subject: please

My darling Harper,

I keep wishing and hoping to see some sort of reply from you, I don't even care anymore if it's filled with insults or accusations, because I deserve them, I deserve every single one of them. But even though I check my phone a million times a day there's never anything.

I know what I did is unforgivable..but this silence, your silence, it is ripping me apart, killing me, destroying me.

Even if you can't ever forgive me, just talk to me, I'm begging you, I'm nothing without you.

I love you, forever and always

Jared.

Mail number 500 or something, she intended on deleting them all, but then there's always something, a word that catches your eye, pulling you in to read one, and if you read one, you just have to read them all, even if you're just ripping your heart out all over again. When was this mail sent though? She looked at the date, only a day ago..she scrolled again and saw that even today she had gotten 5 mails from him, no don't let him do this, he just wants to get a reaction to satisfy and flatter his immense male ego. The minute you react he'll back off again, he doesn't care about you one bit, he just wants to let you think he does with these hundreds of mails, but if he loves you so much why did he run off to fuck that girl and who knows how many more? Just leave me alone, Jared, I've got no more love or heart left to give because you took it all away that night. Harper took the phone and shoved it further away from her on the counter, just stop Jared, just let me lick my wounds and disappear from my life, you're nothing more than a heartattack to me.

[shazyloren]

Back To You

Summary:  Five Years after she last looked into those eyes, repressed memories and hurt bubble under her skin. She never stopped loving him, she never thought he would feel the same too.

Notes: As you know, I am taking part in a challenge on tumblr by user @JonerysFic and @mhysaofdragons in which for seven days from Valentines day I am uploading a new one shot. The prompts have been provided and the stories have all been written and I gotta say you're in for a lot of Jonerys content. So Day 4, 17th February, which is when I'm uploading this, the prompt I chose was 'Break up'. This was hard to wrote, and just a warning, ya'll gonna cry.

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17827928

----

The face was very familiar to her, the haunted soul she’d once loved, the one if she was honest with herself never stopped loving, standing across from her on the other side of the cake aisle. His hair was still dark as a Raven’s wing, his eyes still deep enough to get so completely lost in and skin smoother than the pick-up line he’d used when they first dated.

All the stars in the universe never amounted to you , she thinks to herself as a lonely part of her aches to be held by his arms once more, even all these years later.

A large plethora of men had followed him, but none ever compared. And how could they? They never held her when she was lost and furiously upset over her parents divorce, they never bought her donuts from the bakery with the rainbow sign at the front, they never knew her so intimately that she’d cum from just talking dirty.

No man would ever come close.

“How have you been?” He asks her and she finds something, deep and rooted in her heart that wants to tell him exactly how she feels, that the day he walked out was the day she really died. There’s something in his eyes, it tells her that he’s feeling some kind of way to this interaction, and she hoped in her heart of hearts that he felt the same.

“Fine” She can’t look at his eyes anymore, she’s feeling her emotions bubble up to the surface, feeling lust and fear and heartbreak and loneliness all threatening to consume her body, in this supermarket.

She hadn’t expected to find him shopping here, after all the years that had passed, somewhere so trivial just didn’t seem right. She expected to meet him again, if she ever did, when she was finally over him and happily married with someone else. But the truth is that’d just mean she’d never see him again, because she’d never be happy without him.

“Big night?” He asks politely, looking in the trolley in which it just had seven bottles of wine and chocolate so far. Cake was about to join the roster, and then perhaps more wine if this conversation went on any longer.

“I hate Valentine’s day” She shrugged. They both know why, and the way he tenses up as she speaks those words signifies that they both hate it, that it’s something so repressed within themselves that even acknowledging it to each other brings out feelings of bile and upset.

You left me.

You left me at my most vulnerable moment.

Death of an unborn child, that’s what had started this meteoric fall out between the two of them. One minute they were in love and lust and happiness at the prospect of a child to call their own. But then, cruelly, she miscarried and that fact caused the ruin of their relationship.

He did give her time and space, but she never recovered, even still to this day she wondered frequently on what she had lost all those years ago, both the baby and him subsequently. They just fell apart, one of them stuck in the moment, not being able to let go, the other urging them both to move on and be in love.

I couldn’t mourn her if I moved on.

“I best go” He sighs, and she finds herself cursing everything about this whole damn situation. She wants to be polite and say it was nice to see him again, and it was, it was almost heavenly, but it was gut-wrenching in pain too and so she couldn’t function, her mouth wouldn’t move, she just watched him give a half smile and walk away.

--

Sitting on the sofa, drinking wine and eating more cake than is considered healthy, a perfect way to not think about things and forget my troubles .

It was later that evening and she was ruing her chance to tell him things that she’d long wanted to say to him. She never blamed him, only herself, he’d loved her with everything he had and she knew it. But somehow she still expected him to stay, even after giving everything he had, she expected there to be more.

She’d gone to so many meetings with therapists just to be able to control the fits of anger, to learn to put her fear and regret away in a box, to not think on the little girl she almost had. It had worked for a while, but the edges of the box seeped out slowly and then all at once and she’d just collapsed in on herself.

Now she was just a machine almost, going to work, coming home, crying and drinking, going to work, coming home, crying and drinking. Five years and she was still a sorry mess over everything that happened, still wishing that nothing would’ve split them apart, that they could’ve had their child and watched her grown and love and learn.

I love you, I still do after all this time.

She missed the way he said her name when they made love, like a whisper on water, pure and joyous. She missed the way he wrapped his arms around her, his strength and firm love gave comfort and protection whenever she needed it.

Mostly she missed him, just sitting next to him on the TV watching random rubbish, laughing until all hours and laughing entrances on talent shows. She missed his intelligence, his companionship, she freaking loved him with every fibre of her body and soul and five years still couldn’t chance that.

She drank the wine more and more until a whole bottle was gone and she was nothing more than a crying mess on the floor, that she was a person of regret and ruined mascara. She eyed her phone on the table and wished there was someone she could talk to.

Him, talk to him.

The forbidden thought lingered in the recesses of her mind before she acted on it. Telling her she was being equal parts foolish and brave, her mind tried to think of every excuse to stop her and yet almost autonomously, she reached for the iphone on the table.

She wondered if he still had the same number, as she never deleted it from her phone, hoping that one day he would call her and be all sentimental and want her back the way she does him. She dialled it…

Voicemail.

Does she leave one?

The beep happens and she finds herself unable to hang up, wanting to say so many things and not even knowing where to start, feeling so completely fearful of repercussions but also needing closure. Something needed to happen, words needed to be spoken.

“I never told you enough, how special you were. I never told you enough that I’d move ocean and land for you. I never told you, how much I fucking love you and still do after all these years” She’s shaky, her eyes threatening to leak at any moment. “I’m so in love with you, Jon”

She is unsure of how she should speak, wanting to make this call a moment in which she can look back on and say she tried and it gave her some form of closure, that she did everything in her power to let him know all her card on the table.

“She would’ve been five this week, beautiful skin and dark curls like you, all mystery and wonder and love and curiosity and devotion. She would’ve loved the rainbow sprinkled donuts from the bakery on Dorne Street. She would’ve loved Ghost and played with him from sunrise to sunset. She would’ve l-loved you, just like I do.

I- I don’t know what to do Jon, I’m so broken and lost and fragile and scared. Life has broken me, nobody has protected me from that, and living alone hasn’t either. Solitude has broken me with it’s yearning and I’ve realised that we have to love, it’s why we’re here on the planet. You have to risk the heartache and being swallowed up by the bullshit that happens, because without love, there’s nothing to stop you from being swallowed completely. And that’s what’s happening to me now, I’m losing myself with every day that passes.

I don’t know why I’m calling, seeing you in front of me, in that shop, made me feel such hurt and fear and longing. But I know that I love you, that this heart of mine aches for you every waking second, that so many men have tried to worm their way into my life and I can’t let them, I can’t risk it, when my heart is still entirely yours”

She fully sobbing now, salt rolling down her cheeks and shuddering hurt vibing through her skin. She wants to scream, to throw shit around her house and mourn for the life she once had. She hangs up, unable to face the phone anymore, wanting nothing than the ringing in her head to stop.

In a rageful fight, spurred on by sorrow, she throws her phone at the wall and is surprised when it doesn’t smash. She slides off of the sofa and hits the floor with a thud. Her heart and stomach and mind were sick, she was in pain everywhere and the gut-wrenching hurt within her came out in choked screams.

She’s crying, and crying and crying and it feels like it’s hours before she stops, not that she does, she’s sniffling as she drags her limbs to her staircase, unable to face the climb and just sitting on the bottom few, her heart in pieces and her own self completely lost within her.

I wish you was here…

--

She doesn’t know when she fell asleep, but she was sore and stiff when she awoke to the ringing of her doorbell a few feet in front of her. She never got up the stairs, just laid on them in self-pity and shame at what had happened in her life.

The doorbell is ringing furiously and half of her thinks perhaps she’s missed work, that it’s Missandei trying to find her and wonder where the hell she was, but her bleary eyes focused on the hall clock and saw it was only two in the morning.

Pulling herself out of the strange slump she was in, she used the bannister to stand and straightened out her appearance to the best of her ability. Her mascara was all down her face and her eyes themselves were puffy and red. Her head throbbed and the constant ringing of the doorbell made her mind shake almost.

I’m coming.

She fumbles for her keys in the bowl by the mirror and find the one for the front door. She pushes the key in the lock and clicks the mechanism so it unlocks, her hands shaking as she makes for the handle to open it. She pulls the door open with her shaking strength and rubs her eyes to see who is standing there.

Him.

She feels panic and grief and love and devotion and want all bubble under the skin’s surface. His eyes are red too as if he had the same grief stricken feeling inside them both. There was trepidation in them both, unsure of how they go about talking to one another.

In a frenzied fervour their lips were on one another's and their arms were fully embracing and supporting each other’s bodies. The kiss was sad impassioned and yet there was a warming hope within it too, as his soft and full lips traded with her small and dainty ones. He tastes exactly the same, forest and fire and smolder as he sets her lips alight with need and passion.

It’s urgent, apologetic, wilful, fearful and somehow makes them both hungry for more as if incomplete. Her mind is a racing car, speeding at 200 miles and hour while it tries to make up from the years of loneliness so deep rooted within her skin. It was completely insane, how sad but hopeful the kiss was, both of them feeling complete and utter emotion course through them.

His hands are on her neck, warm and supporting, touching skin that was fire and cooling it with his devotion. Their tongues collides in a hauntingly beautiful movement, slow and serene but also fast and chaotic. Her heart was clamouring in her chest, wanting him to love her again, wanting him to be the one to feel the pain she had done without it.

When their lips parted, and his head rested on her forehead, the expression of love that followed would be something she never forgot. “I love you, Daenerys Targaryen, with every single fibre in my existence, and I am so sorry for what I did”

Hearing those words leave a completely euphoric feeling coursing through her veins. She cannot believe that this man is here, professing his love five years after walking out, five years after the loss of their baby girl, five years after giving up on each other.

“I love you, Jon, I love you so much I’ve never stopped. Even though it’s killed me, I couldn’t move on, I just couldn’t” She sobbed, both of them with tears in their eyes. “You loved me with everything you had, and I was so closed off and fearful and I felt gross and dirty after we lost her and I couldn’t control it”

“It’s okay, it’s okay baby girl” He cooed, stroking her hair, holding her to him in a moment so tender, she couldn’t and didn’t want to leave it forever. “I’m not leaving you again, it’s going to be tough, but I’ll do it for you, I’ll do anything for you”

She let him in the house, and they talked for hour about what they do to go from that moment on. They decided between them both to see a grief counsellor together, as it was revealed he too, had broken down several times about the loss of the little girl they didn’t have. It was to be a long and rocky road ahead of them, but they both knew they needed to walk that road, together.

We walk together.