#and make something abstract again...

[kurios-development-hell]

[[BREATHING IN — BREATHING OUT]]

"When I close my eyes, darkness is all what I see. When I take a breath, you fill up my lungs. If my mind worked backwards just for a minute, I'd hold onto you before the memory is gone. I remember you. You always made me stronger. You always lifted my spirit… I remember how we felt alive together… I remember… remember…" — A broken puppet

I had this image stuck in my head since I returned from the hospital the other day. Just Spam going through his nightmares.

The lotus flower was always considered as "the incorruptible soul" because it could grow on the most mucky of ponds and still stand tall over all the surrounding filth without a single blot marring its beauty. The blue lotus in particular was considered a conduit to communicate with the gods above and beyond, with a brilliant sun-like burst radiating from the centre of the flower.

That's how Spam regards Sears in his mind, his star in the middle of the abyss, a saint that has adopted a largely broken toy loaded with a heavy burden of internal pathos that not even Spam can comprehend himself. Why is he so broken? Why he deserves the pity of others? Why darkness will never leave him in peace? Why he is in love? Why he even exists?

((sharing some prototype script loosely related to the picture, if anybody is interested -- it's long and you don't need to read it to enjoy the picture anyway -- please tell me if you like it or not if you decide to read it; feedback or your impressions are always appreciated))

Sears: You are shaking, Spam. Come here, don’t fret, don’t let the glitching to get worse… *embraces him*

Spam: I-I f-eel so awful-l inside — I-I can’t [brEaThe]- - *glitching and shedding graphical artefacts*

Sears: Hush, focus on my voice. *holds him firmly as if fearing he would disappear like those glitchy images* Now… After me... Breathing in…

Spam: Breathing out… *slowly*

Sears: Cut the strings…

Spam: That hold me down…

Sears: Breathing in...

Spam: Breathing out...

Sears: The walls are falling…

Spam: No more pressure…

Sears: Breathing in…

Spam: Breathing out…

Sears: *releases him softly* Better? *smiles*

Spam: *blinks* Thank you again. The glitching… *soughs* Is gone *relieved smile*

Sears: So we see. *pats him on the shoulder* Next time, when you get another of your crisis, just recite the mantra, all right?

Spam: I always do, but… It’s not the same when you are not here… *looks away*

Sears: I can’t be at home always, Spam. You need to make the effort to calm down the glitching bouts on your own.

Spam: I know… *feeling admonished*

Sears: Hmm… *thinking* Did you try to combine the mantra with your memory of me embracing you?

Spam: *blushes* In reality? No, never.

Sears: Then next time mix that mental feeling with the mantra, and I’m sure it will help you improve your efforts at calming down. *does a thumbs-up towards him*

Spam: … *looking embarrassed*

Sears: I got another idea to reinforce the mantra! *beams and graciously produces a clean blue handkerchief from their suit’s breast-pocket and hands it to him*

Spam: *taking the gift from them* Are you sure, Sears? Isn’t this yours?

Sears: *smiling* This thing is merely a decoration for the uniform, don’t think the others at the office will miss it. You can bet it will help you reinforce your focus on me while you control your anxiety. *holds his hands in a reassuring manner* I don’t want for you to feel so alone when I’m out working. Think of this item as an extension of myself if your glitching gets uncontrollable like recently. *taps friendlily the brow of their partner*

Spam: I’m grateful for this gift, Sears, really am. *gingerly feels the blue soft fabric between his fingers* Please, do not concern yourself too much for me while at work. I don’t wish to be a hindrance against your performance.

Sears: *beams* Not to worry! I know you have everything under control, and thus my mind is at peace while at the office. *arms crossed* By the by, what manner of event triggered this crisis? It’s been a long long while since you had something this bad. Did anything out of the ordinary happen?

Spam: Well… *rubs the back of the neck nervously*

Sears: At ease, Spam. I’m here, you can tell me everything and we’ll solve it together, as we always do. *winks*

Spam: Actually, I don’t think we will be able. *loosens the neck of his sweater with a finger* The chief was apprehended and the business we had together, was dismantled overnight… We lost everything… Nobody is picking up the calls... Everyone is gone and shut all communications… And it's already all over the newspapers... *defeatist expression*

Sears: Is that so? *surprised* That’s so awful… *pats his shoulder reassuringly* Don’t worry, I can provide for both of us even if you are jobless at the moment. *smiles*

Spam: N-no! I-I mean… I don’t want to be a burden to you. I must find a new job as soon as possible! *determined expression*

Sears: Of course, relax. You are free as well to find another one if that pleases you, but don’t you worry about our current budget. My promotion can cover for both of us, and enough to get some extra savings to boot. You really don’t have any need to work any more while under my roof. Take this day to relax, OK? You have been going through too much stress lately, and if it builds up you are going to get glitchy again.

Spam: Aye, I know, but… *frowns* I also want to give you something in exchange. It’s always you giving me stuff, but I can’t give you anything back if—

Sears: *interrupts him with a tender embrace* Your company is enough for me in this exchange, Spam. As long as you are provided, free and happy to do whatever you want, you don’t need to get out of your way to please me back with gifts. Your happiness has more value to me than 100 material gifts. Though, that doesn’t mean I dislike gifts, mind you. *winks and laughs*

Spam: *soughs* You are too kind to me, Sears… Too much… Still… I want to someday gift you something, for rescuing me from the Conglomerate. I owe you that one, to you and Joel and the others who pitched in to get me out of there... *folds the handkerchief carefully and tucks it in a pocket* It feels heavy inside of me to only receive and not be able to give something in return. It goes against my code of delivery... Makes me feel... Selfish…

Sears: At ease. *flicks his pointy white nose softly to snap him from his self-absorption* No more brooding. Let’s focus on the solutions. If finding a new job will allay your anxiety, what you had in mind? Something similar to the last one?

Spam: *phew* No. Don’t think an opportunity like that will ever present itself again. The Suburbs are no place to find something stable that doesn’t incur the wrath of the feds…

Sears: Indeed, their industry is very volatile nowadays, unfortunately. *shrugs* But you could try to find something similar within the boundaries of Cyber City proper. There must be a vacant out there that could take advantage of your "logistics", you know?

Spam: Actually… *ponders* I meant to take on a new trade. *hides face shyly with the postman hat*

Sears: Whatever it is, you know you have my full support and those of the others. If you want to aim for something new, I think Merit or Lafay can help us find you the material you need for your education. *nods encouragingly* What took your fancy?

Spam: *tosses the postman hat onto the sofa, landing it on top of the cat* I want to become a salesman, like you all! *happy grin*

Sears: *speechless*

MIKE: Mau? *waking up with the head covered by the hat*

[milekael]

Happy Royai day!! For today I offer you the one illustration I think captures my feelings and personal interpretation of their relationship the best! :'D

[fumifooms]

What if we were both magic prodigies and it otherized us in different ways and we devoted ourselves to protecting a family member who has general other goals & priorities. What if we both did self-sacrifical devotion in opposite ways.

What if we were dark mirrors of each other and where I've grown overcontrolling you've grown complacent. What if, bought as a servant into a pretty loving home, ownership and control is what love looks like to me, and to you neglected and lonely growing up, love is gratefully taking any scraps of it you’re lent.

By belonging to someone, even if she comes back injured or fails at finding Delgal, she feels like she belongs and is cherished, by owning someone he feels safe in them not leaving him.

She’s what’s tethering him do you see… And he’s the only thing giving her direction and purpose in her state. She needs a compass and he needs a support.

They’re both so out of it 😭 It’s the weirdly intense and unearned mutual trust and reliance on each other?? They’re each other’s weird little comfort codependent teddy bear. Or at least they were headed towards that before SHE DIED THEN HE DIED THEN THEY BOTH FORGOT ABOUT EACH OTHER AND NEVER MET EVER AGAIN. Though she’s also the guard attack hound keeping him safe… And vice versa he heals her and can rewrite her very being with just one wave of his hand. They’re both so so mentally and physically vulnerable both but they cling onto each other. They can’t perceive things accurately but despite it all someway somehow they stumble into something closer to resembling companionship just before they both die. Falin is just that kind and Thistle is just that lonely. Overworked.

We both haven’t lived for ourselves in a very long time, haven’t we.

They both have a similar devotion to the people they love but again the difference is that Thistle starts overtsepping while Falin is self-effacing. The other difference between them is that people care about Falin <3 People have given up on Thistle long ago, and he has given people reasons to, while people refuse to give up on Falin. Yaad has a mini arc about it dw about it it’s ok he’s not all alone in the end 😭😭 He reached out for Marcille’s hand but they already all wanted to help him, they just had to be given the chance to, Yaad just had to be given the chance to, it’s okay I’m okay

Hey what if we learned to get in touch with our own identity and the world around us and living in the present again through being in the worst codependent situationship ever.

Falin and Thistle sitting in a tree, sucking on flowers together because they’re h-u-n-g-r-y 💕💕💕

I bet he’s only ever thought of flowers as useless ornaments. Weak weeds. But she shows him they’re tasty and useful and good and pretty in their own right too and deserve existing without proving their worth and waaa <33 Thistles…... Did you know thistles taste sweet if you remove the thorns and eat them?

"Even as a chimera, her kind nature remains" you can’t suppress her in the way that matters. You can’t soothe him in the way that matters. It’s doomed. You’re doomed. It’s all doomed. Save me.

[what-even-is-sleep]

thinking about Bodkin again bc I mean,,, ALL THE SYMBOLISM OHHHHHGH. i NEED some tumblr film analysis hobbyists to watch this show and tell me all the themes n such

[linkedin-offficial]

For you warrior cats au,,, can we have a fluffy kitty Kaufmo 🥺🥺🥺

im gonna start by saying THANK YOU for sending this bcus i hadnt even thought about kaufmo OR queenie while making those designs .. so heres both of them‼️ just for you, anon ;3

[maareyas]

every time i go to bed and start thinking about where I am in terms of Art in general I have to mentally summon this image

[moonchild-in-blue]

I haven't really done much art for tumblr (at all) lately, cus life, but! Here's a lil something I've been working on (it's a Xmas gift) 💙

(also peep that lil January calendar painting 👀 i did mini squares for each month for myself, because I need to have a physical one always, and they each have their own colour 🥺)

[clumsypuppy]

i feel shy talking here when i dont have anything worth sharing but i cant help feeling like ive said things in the tags that could be brought up in court

[iamthepulta]

i did it u_u

[sskk-manifesto]

Ep 5!!!

[britneyshakespeare]

you know someday i'm gonna feel so good when i have my student loans paid off

that ain't gonna be soon, trust me, but i think about it

[connormoving]

so close to being done with one step in the larger step in the larger step of the spreadsheet.

i ran out of space in the tags so im continuing them under the cut bc i wasnt finished... and if you let me finish i would of finshed my santance

anyways i have some countries like. the borders r pretty close to irl countries and i have them in my notes as x country but other ones i split them into like. just smaller subregions of the continent based on irl like. regions. like i split africa into . Madagascar + East Africa + Central Africa + Southern Africa + Western Africa + Northern Africa and its referenced off of maps where those r like. the recognized regions (well. madagascar is usually just counted as either east or southern africa but yk). but idk... im worried its a shitty thing 2 do i just dont know what else 2 do with it. maybe i should just use an actual world map instead since im going more realistic with like. the time periods and stuff. IDK i just rly wanna avoid the shit the sims does so much where it lumps a bunch of cultures together like. the chinese world in ts3 world adventures having a torii gate for the icon. -_- yk. the map was kinda superfluous anyway and more judt a way to visualize where the worlds we have were distributed + also was mostly influenced by that one ts4 mod which takes that more simplistic approach but maybe i can just step away from that and just go more realism based Its just hard bc i dont wanna like. lose the more like. silly isnt quite the word (itis kind of but not fully) ig i mean i dont wanna lose the abstraction kind of thing the sims has. but like. I am auite literally making a spreadsheet to get rid of some of the abstraction the sims has so what am i on about. IDK i just have been thinking abt it a lot basically... like sims im already making shit up and locking the sims to like real world history stuff it only makes sense to like. do the same thing with The world and not have it be abstracted. so yes that was a lot of words to say i think im just gonna move to thinking of the sims as living on Basically earth. In my personal the sims palace that ive made up. this is not to say i personally think of the sims as tkaing place on earth or anything ive just decided to do like. Bc this whole thing is basically an au im making anyway like. taking ts3 sims and making them be from the 1950s thats already Not what the game is like. so ill just make it a Realworld sims au. ok yay 👍 thats all sorry for talking sm abt something so pointless and also for not using a SINGLE paragraph break im basically just writing in this like i write in the tags (stream of consciousness) but the tags have the benefit of being naturally split up so yes i dont think anybody is reading this far. when i was little and playing skyward sword for the first time roughly 7-8 years old i got to the like trial on skyloft and i got so scared i smashed the cd so that i wouldnt have to do it . and then i blamed my dog for it. and i did this even tho lamp had JUST started a skyward sword playthru which idk if i knew at the time but i do feel rly guilty abt it. but i was rly scared. ok thats all

[manda-kat]

Trying to think of Virginian places that feel special or magical.

Then trying to remember how to spell Chincoteague.

[muninnhuginn]

Looking at personal posts like "how far can I abstract this before it becomes safe to share"

[swankpalanquin]

i'm starting to believe that i won't be able to build the life i truly want to have while i live so close to my family

[chronicbitchsyndrome]

i have been in community with profoundly developmentally disabled peers and peers with brain damage my whole life, bc i had a childhood diagnosis. i have also been leftist my whole life; my mother was a marxist and raised me that way, and while their politics were absolute dogshit, they were lefty dogshit.

my entire life, i have seen leftist educators throw mentally disabled people away as "lost causes" because they couldn't engage with the material the way it was being presented. leftist outreach and education does, genuinely, have a massive lack of accessible material. to be blunt, people are not interested in retrofitting their leftist outreach to be accessible to people who learn best through episodes of sesame street.

as in, i have repeatedly faced outright laughter and cruelty over the idea that this could be a priority. or even something that we consider doing at all.

"people who are that mentally disabled don't need to know about these things," the kindest interpretation goes. ("people who are that mentally disabled don't interact with the world, anyway, they're all in institutions or monitored 24/7 by their parents," the uncharitable underlying assumptions go. "they wouldn't be a worker who needs a union. or a library attendee. or a member of the community garden. or a volunteer at the food bank. or or or")

the people i have seen this hurt the worst, over and over again, are profoundly mentally disabled people of color whose lack of access to accessible antiracist education is causing real danger in their lives. institutionalized disabled people of color who have learned racist ideology and behaviors from white authority, whether they were adopted by white families or incarcerated in care institutions run by white staff. who are treated lower than garbage by leftist educators, who view them as "lost causes," as unworthy of time and effort and attention, as deserving of their abuses because they... what... internalized the abuses that make up every aspect of their lives since birth?

i see people saying things in this conversation like "disability isn't an excuse for racism or transphobia or whatever, people have the obligation to improve themselves." oh, believe me, i have seen again and again how many privileged disabled people utilize their disabilities to punch down on others, try to escape accountability for their punching down by citing disability. but individual weaponization of identity is just that: weaponization of identity.

the power structures at play are what they are. it is a noble and admirable goal to want leftist outreach and education to be more accessible to all. if that is truly your goal, you must eventually reckon with the existence of people who do, actually, really need it presented in a picture book. or an episode of bluey. or a conversation where you only use examples of people they know in real life, using things that happened to them personally. the existence of people who cannot grasp forms of abstract reasoning, who need information presented as rules, or as guidelines, or as categories. the idea that yes, fully grown adults who need daniel tiger to explain racism to them are human beings who not only deserve access to that very thing, but who also deserve to be a part of leftist spaces and benefit from leftist organizing. are people for whom it might be INTEGRAL they get to be a part of leftism. are victims of racism themselves and suffering without access to antiracist spaces and community and support.

and you will need to reckon with the abject cruelty of your peers who laugh and mock the very idea of this. you need to reckon with the fact that a lot of people you respect, a lot of leftists doing genuinely good work, will respond to this by making fun of the people you're serving, even outright telling you their violent fantasies about these people. that is the experience of organizing in leftist spaces for profoundly disabled people. that is why so many of us burn out so fast. there IS a structural problem with mentally disabled people being seen as disposable and not a part of community. and it is EXTREMELY present in leftist organizing and outreach efforts.