#and needed a specialist to help keep track of everything

[supercantaloupe]

i actually had a dr's appt this morning (regular checkup) and. man do you know how relieving it is to hear her say "weight's not important, just as long as you're active" when asked if i exercise

[transgendz]

I am trans the main provider of two disabled people, one of whom was recently deemed tenatively cancer-free after a frustrating diagnosis and treatment process. The other person is my fiancé, who is an intersex man struggling to access the related medical care. Even if we could afford it, and we can't currently, there are no specialists in the area. I am publicly closeted, having put transition off due to our location and lack of insurance. Survival here in Mississippi has become increasingly financially unsustainable.

We have cheaper housing and more reliable work lined up in New York, where we will also be in a welcoming environment with significantly more food security. We will be able to get my fiance's legal paperwork sorted (as an intersex adoptee, his paperwork is fucked) allowing us to get married and insured.

This is huge for us. We have become malnourished from poverty, and we are overdue for medical testing, and we keep nearly dying from illnesses despite masking everywhere, which probably has a lot to do with the prolonged malnourishment and stress.

To make this move before it gets dangerously cold to do so, we need to get $3,000 every month between now and then. It gets dangerously cold early in the year for the area we will be headed to. I know this is a huge ask, but this is a very tangible way you can help keep us alive while we attempt to flee from the effects of fascism. Please DM me for more details, but I've also been vetted by @kyra45-helping-others, who does scam busting on here. GFM takes a portion out, so my links are listed below if you'd like to give directly, everything will be tracked in GFM.

My artblog is at @theartistrans is you'd like another way to support.

PP V $C kofi

$195/$3,000

[rafeslvbug]

introducing…pediatrician!rafe

back to basics!! (physical)

height: 6”3 at minimum, the type of height where he can be assertive if needed with other doctors, or appear gentle to patients if he kneels down. some of the boys he has as patients, always say they aspire to be like “doctor cameron” and the dads are always envious of his height, as men are.

age: early 30s. had to do years of training && education. considerably young in his respective field, but widely praised for his efficiency and ability.

build: works out daily. believes in keeping peak physical fitness to take care of his patients. scrubs fir too tightly over his muscles. could be prone to ripping. mothers often find themselves staring a bit too long at their kid’s doctor.

looks!! (specific)

arms: consistent with any !rafe au, he’s got massive arms. but this is because

- a: to carry patients if need be (though he works with children) - you never know when emergencies might come up,

- b: he finds that having bigger arms is more comforting for little children when he has to hold them

- c: has to handle hospital equipment that might be heavy, and he’s a gentleman so he’s always helping people carry equipment if he’s not busy.

pager && watch: his pager is forever on him, not that he has no life outside of work, just that he cares so much about his patients. he won’t hesitate to cancel a day off for the sake of his patients. his watch is of course because of how much rafe is invested in his fitness and health. needs it to track his workouts and steps etc. or he also likes how convenient it is, to access emails or messages etc.

personality

patient: eternally patient. during arguments. meltdowns. when the baby’s been crying all night. all calm words and gentle movements. never yells. controls his anger and doesn’t make huge outbursts. even when stressed (unless it reaches an extremely bad point - this is rare)

multi-tasking: can put the baby to sleep in one arm and type up an article/report with the other hand while in bed. listens to research podcasts while cooking dinner so he doesn’t have to find time to do it later. efficiency is key. his job is already time consuming, and he wants to make sure he has as much free time as possible.

attentive: rafe’s busy. he’s always working overtime or being called away because of an unexpected patient issue. but when he’s at home with you? his pager isn’t off..but it’s not on his person all the time. he’s able to maintain work-life balance and he’ll listen to everything you have to say about your day. he loves your daughter to bits, and frequently says she’s his, always checking up on her and making sure she’s healthy (as doctors habitually do)

job

specialist position: neonatologist - someone who mainly looks after premature babies’ development and intensive care for infants.

salary: $350,000+ (excluding bonuses and potential to increase)

reputation: young, but well respected. considered one of the best in his field in the hospital. always gets compliments from patients, and dedicated to his work.

likes

stress-free days without overtime. he lives for any ounce of free time, no matter how satisfied his job makes him. likes to be home, likes having time go on hikes or play with your baby.

getting called your baby’s father. he loves it when he gets to say he’s the dad, or when you call him the dad. even if he’s not biologically her dad, he’s the only one who’s been present. adopts her relatively quick.

picking your daughter up from daycare. loves the way her face lights up when she sees him, how she’ll run as fast as her little legs can take her and getting to scoop her up into the car.

when you come to him for help. whether it’s with your daughter or anything tbf. he loves helping, loves being the person you rely on.

dislikes

when you go to a different doctor for help with your daughter. if anything starts arguments it’s that. he wants to be the one to look after her, because it’s all he’s done since she was born. he thinks of himself as her father, and wants you to too. a father looks after his daughter.

patients who bring in their children for dumb reasons. a common cold? wasting his time because they act like they’ve never had a cold before. children in his care are in critical condition, not basic colds, and these people are usually insufferable because they force themselves to the top of his list of priorities.

your ex. never even met him, never even seen him. hates him. loves that he left in a way, because it means he could be in your life, but hates the man for what he put you through.

pet names

he gives you: baby, sweetheart, babygirl, honey, busy lady

you give him: doc, handsome, honey, baby, darling

what he’ll call your daughter: sweetie, pumpkin, little lady,

[dem0batz]

How the LADS care for their chronically ill/disabled MC

Headcanons // SFW

Note: These are just my personal headcanons based off of my own needs and experiences as a chronically ill/disabled person. Not everyone will agree because their lived experiences as a disabled person is different from mine. These thoughts are purely self-indulgent.

Zayne

As a doctor, he has many colleagues who specialize in your conditions and he calls in any favors he has (or offers them favors in return) to barter for your care, though he handles all of your day-to-day care. He makes all of the appointments, ensures the other LADS know about any dietary restrictions you may have, sends each of them weekly memos with your medication schedule and any changes, strict physical therapy appointments, as well as emergency numbers for him and your specialists. He always answers when the other LIs call, even when he's in surgery (he has an intern who keeps an eye on his phone for him).

Sylus

Spares no expense. Upon learning about your physical needs, he immediately has the mansion renovated to make it easier for you to get around. Handle bars running down the hallways, wheelchair ramps, a cane hanging from the wall in each room, elevator (if he didn't have one already). Covers all of your medical costs. Constantly on the phone with Zayne even though they can't stand one another to make sure all of your needs are handled. Hires a personal chef just for you to prepare meals no matter which of the other guys you happen to be staying with. Oh, and he also makes sure all of their homes are handicap accessible for your specific needs.

Caleb

Honestly a bit of a mother hen about you. It's coming from a good place, but he can be a little overbearing sometimes. He has good reason to though because he has spent his entire life as one of your caretakers. He's seen all the ups and downs. He's seen your good days and he's seen your worst days so he does everything he can to keep you on track to make sure the bad days are as few and far between as possible. After the explosion and your reunion, he probably butts heads with Zayne a lot about the best course of action for your care so you have to gently remind him that he's been gone and with Zayne's medical knowledge, he’s the one who knows best what you need. Caleb ultimately puts his pride aside to do what's best for you, which is filling in the gaps for whatever you need. Giving up the need to personally care for you every minute of the day and leaning on the other guys to let them help too is the way he learns to be the most helpful.

Rafayel

Worry. Wart. I'm sorry, but this man doesn't know how to be helpful when it comes to the medical side of your needs. Of course he receives Zayne's memos, memorizes them, agrees to Sylus's demands to have his home renovated to accommodate you (though he insists on paying for it himself). But he goes into full panic mode any time you have a minor fall, get sick, or are having a flare up. He's got Zayne on speed dial just under you in his emergency contacts and it stays glued to his ear so the doctor can walk him through every little thing he has to do to care for you. The best thing he does for you though is help take your mind off the pain. He keeps you distracted with jokes and gifts, sits by your bedside window to paint while you're sleeping so you never wake up from a flare-up nap alone. Greets you with a playful smile even though he had been obsessively checking on you ever 20 minutes to make sure you're still breathing.

Xavier

Xavier is full on teddy bear mode when you're not feeling well. He gets you tucked into bed or on the couch-- wherever you want to be. The man basically builds a nest for you with all of your favorite cozy blankets, plushies, snacks, drinks, and meds ready to go with your favorite show playing in the background. Then when you're all settled and have everything you need, he tucks in with you to weather out the storm. Best snuggle buddy ever. Barely answers his phone when the other guys call which really gets on Zayne's and Sylus's nerves and nearly has them busting down his apartment door, but it's because he doesn't need them to be breathing down your neck. He's got you and will call them if/when it's medically necessary. But other than that, you might as well be hibernating together.

[inky-duchess]

WIP Hospital: Surgery

*Meredith Grey monologue voice* Writers really batter their characters and sometimes the damage is so great that they have to be seen to by the professionals and if you've really messed them up, they may need surgery.

Before Surgery

Before any surgery, the patient must be prepared for the procedure. They will be prepped by nurses and doctors but there are things every patient must go through before the surgery especially if they undergo general anesthesia.

No drink/food for a set period of time before the surgery.

Removal of necessary hair

Possible enema but not always necessary

Thoroughly bathed and cleansed, the patient should not use any makeup, nail varnish or perfume

Tests maybe run prior to surgery such as blood tests

All piercings, protesthetics

The preparation of advance directives such as DNRs and wills etc

What is in an OR?

OR or operating room is where operations take place - or would be if your character was having surgery at hospital (they aren't, are they?)

Surgical Lights: Surgeons have to see why they are doing so high powered lighting is used to illuminate the patient and cavity.

Operating Tables: Operating tables are where the patient lies while the surgeons are trying to save their life. also known as surgical tables, are essential to any operating room.

Surgical Displays: These are screens that magnify the cavity for the OR, sort of like tvs that allow everyone a view of what's going on.

Blanket Warmers: Or warming cabinets. These are where the IV fluids, linens, and blankets are kept.

Scrub Sinks: This is where the surgeons abd nurses and technicians get washed up, sterilised and gowned.

Vital Signs Monitor: This is a machine that tracks the patient's heart rate, oxygen saturation, breathing rate and blood pressure.

Ventilator: A ventilator helps the patient breathe while on anesthesia.

Anesthesia Machine: This machine delivers anesthesia to the patient and monitors the level.

Diathermy or Electrocautery Machine: This is used to cut tissue and control bleeding

The Surgical Team

These are the people present in the OR besides the patient. It is up to them to keep the patient alive of course but to also ensure that safety and cleanliness are upheld.

Surgeon: Is the lead of the team and responsible for the planning and cutting of the patient. Most surgeons are specialists.

Surgical Assistant: They work alongside the surgeon, helping the surgeon.

Scrub Nurse: Scrub nurses are in charge of making sure everything stays sterile. They sterilise the surgical instruments and are in charge of minimalising contamination.

Anesthesiologist: The doctor who specialises in anesthesia who monitors the use of anaesthesia.

Circulating Nurse: Circulating nurses manage supplies, equipment and may run messages if needed outside the OR.

Observer: Sometimes med students or other surgeons will observe the surgery. They aren't essential.

General Surgerical Tools

These are just a few tools used with surgeries.

Scalpel – These are the blades used to cut into tissue.

#10: Scalpel with a large curved edge used for making large incisions.

#11: Scalpel with a triangular blade used to make short, shallow cuts.

#12: A small, crescent-shaped blade used to cut sutures

#15: used for short, precise cuts because of its small blade. Ideal for making short, precise incisions because of its small, curved cutting edge. Mostly used in cardiac surgery.

#17: Flat, chisel-like blade for narrow cuts

#18: Narrow, chisel blade for deep cuts and scraping

#20: Large curved blade, used when making a puncture or cut.

#21: Large curved blade, for slicing tissue and puncturing. commonly used for cutting tissue and other procedures that require a puncture or cut.

#22: Like the #10, it is flat and curved cutting edge, used on thick skin.

#23: Large blade that is slightly narrower but pointier

#24: Wide, flat blade with an angle used to make cuts at the corner, used to trim and strip

Forceps - are a gripping tool. Not to be confused with hemostats.

Allis Forceps: Have little teeth running along in them and are for firm tissue such as fascia.

Babcock Forceps: Smooth ended jawed forceps that are used for delicate tissue.

Dunhill Forceps: Small curved, serrated forceps used to hold vessels before ligation.

Lane Tissue Forceps: Forceps with interlocking teeth used to hold tough tissue

Littlewood Forceps: These forceps have blunt teeth, used for tough tissue as well as gaining entry through the umbilicus in laparoscopic surgery.

Sawtell Forceps: curved serrated forceps with a serrated end used to grip vessels

Spencer Wells: Can be curved or straight. They are used to clamp medium/large vessels before ligation

Debakey Forceps: Smooth forceps used for many things but used to grip tissue

Lanes Forceps: Toothed forceps used to grasp most tissues but not the bowel.

Gillies Forceps: Narrow forceps with teeth used on skin.

Scissors - are used to cut sutures and snip things during surgery.

Mayo Scissors: Heavy scissors with blunt ends, either curved or straight, used to cut thick tissue and sutures.

McIndoe Scissors: Curved scissors used to cut/dissect tissue

Hemostats - these are used to clamp vessels to prevent blood flow into the cavity the the surgeons are working in.

Adson Forceps: Can be straight or curved, with either semi-serrated tips or toothed tips, used to clamp vessels and tissues.

Artery Undermining Forceps: Toothed forceps, with ratchetted ringlets. Can be straight or angled, used to hold thick tissues during cardiothoracic surgeries

Bainbridge Forceps: Forceps with long jaws with serrated tips, used to clamp the bowel.

Crile Forceps: A clamp with horizontal, serrated jaws, that can be curved or straight. These are used in laparoscopical practices, for clamping tissue and vessels for cauterization and ligation.

Dandy Forceps: These forces are curved, with half-serrated jaws. Used to control the flow of blood.

Ferguson Angiotribe Forceps: Interlocking blades, curved or straight, used to clamp vessels to control blood flow.

Gemini Mixter Forceps: Curved and serrated, used to hold damaged and delicate vessels during cardiothoracic surgery.

Hartman Forceps: These are narrow, serrated, straight or curved but used primarily for left-handed surgeons. They are used to clamp small vessels.

Jacobson Forceps: Forceps with serrated curved jaws. Used for closing a wound or in tonsillectomies.

Kelly Forceps: Forceps with half-serrated jaws, either curved and straight. They are used for clamp

Kocher Hemostatic Forceps: Has serrated jaws and toothed tips. Used for grasping large blood vessels to control blood flow and holding dense tissue.

Lovelace Forceps: Forceps with fully serrated jaws, used for clamping vessels in gynecologic procedures.

Mikulicz Forceps: Half-serrated jaws with curved tips. Used for clamping the peritoneal sac during abdominal wall closure and the peritoneal tissues in the pelvic cavity.

Mixter Forceps: Right-angled jaws with longitudinal serrations, straight, curved patterns which can be half and fully-serrated. These are used for hard to reach places, used to hold tissue, blood vessels and stitches.

Mosquito Forceps: Short, serrated jaws used for incisions and thin tissues, usually before cauterization.

Rochester Carmalt Forceps: Long, wide serrated jaws. Used for grasping blood vessels.

Rochester Ochsner Forceps: These are used to objects and blood vessels during orthopedic procedures.

Retractors - used to pull back the flesh so the surgeon has better view

Langenbeck Retractor: Hook-shaped retractor, used to separate the edges of wounds. They can come in different sizes depending how deep you want the wound tract.

Norfolk and Norwich Retractor: This retractor is self-retaining, used to keep deep wounds open.

Travers Retractor: Also a self-retaining retractor, but used for much shallower wounds

Other Tools

Cauterization device: used to cauterizate blood vessels to prevent bleeding.

Needle Holder: Used for holding needles while suturing, it looks like a pair of scissors

Rampley Sponge Holding: used to store sponges and gauze

Towel clips: Used to keep towels and drapes in the place

Suction: This machine is sort of like a hose that sucks up blood and other fluids.

Surgical Stapler: Sort of what it says on the tin, a device that staples wounds together quickly.

Laparotomy Sponge/Lap Pad: Is an absorbent pad used to keep the cavity free of excess blood and fluid or to prevent too much bleeding.

Drapes: This is the cloth used to cover the patient and the operating table.

What to Wear to Surgery?

In surgery, contamination is always a fear so the surgeons and their team must dress accordingly in the OR. Most times the patient is draped or wearing a hospital gown.

Protective Cap: This is a cap that covers the hair. Worn by everyone.

Surgical Masks: Worn over the mouth and nose. Usually worn just by the surgical team.

Protective Eyewear: To shield the eyes from blood and debris. Usually worn just by the surgical team.

Gloves: Worn by the surgical team.

Gowns: These are long gowns worn over the scrubs. Worn by the surgical team.

Protective Shoe Covers: Worn over shoes of the surgical team.

Phrases used in the OR

Operations are high stress situations. Often communication is shortened to quick phrases.

Scalpel: Give me a scalpel

Clamp: Give me a clamp

Suction: Suck up this blood/liquid for me.

Retract: Hold back the tissue

Bovie: Give me the cautery equipment

Sponge count: Count the sponges and towels in case we left one in this here guy

Close: Stitch up the patient

Irrigation: Wash out the wound with water

Intubate: Insert a tube in the patient's throat to help them breath

Extubate: Remove the breathing tube

Airplane: Tilt the bed to expose a lateral portion or change the patient’s hemodynamics.

Donut: A support for the patient’s head after anesthesia.

Jump Room: Another OR prepped and waiting for the surgeon for another surgery

Types of Surgery

Surgeons don't just perform every kind of surgery. Most surgeons stick to a practicular specialty.

General Surgery: General surgery focuses on the abdominal organs.

Cardiothoracic Surgery: Deals with everything in the chest, eg. heart and lungs.

Orthopedic Surgery: Focuses on bones and muscle

Neurosurgery: This surgery focuses on the brain, spinal cord, and nervous system.

Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery: This surgery focuses on cosmetic surgery but also reconstructive procedures.

Pediatric Surgery: For babies, children and teenagers.

Vascular Surgery: Focuses on arteries and veins, everything on the vascular system.

Urology: Focuses on the urinary tract and male reproductive organs.

Otolaryngology (ENT): The ears, nose, and throat.

Gynecologic Surgery: Surgery focusing on the female reproductive system.

Examples of surgery

There are thousands of kinds of surgery but I've just listed a few well known ones here.

Appendectomy: Removal of the appendix

Cholecystectomy: Removal of the gallbladder

Coronary Artery Bypass Grafting (CABG): Bypass surgery performed to improve blood flow to the heart

Cesarean Section (C-section): The removal of a baby from the womb surgically.

Hysterectomy: Removal of the uterus.

Mastectomy: Removal of one or both breasts

Tonsillectomy: Removal of the tonsils.

Biopsy: Removal of tissue for examination.

Carotid Endarterectomy: Removal of blockages from in the arteries.

Debridement: Surgical removal of skin that is damaged or infected.

Dilation and Curettage (D&C): Removal of tissue from within the uterus.

Skin Graft: The planting of healthy skin over areas of damaged skin

Spinal Fusion: Joining two or more vertebrae

Rhinoplasty: Surgery to reconstruct or reshape the nose

Prostatectomy: Removal of the prostate gland

Hernia Repair: The repair of a hernia

Total Knee Replacement: The replacement of the knee with artificial components

Hip Replacement: Replacement of hip with artificial components.

Heart Valve Replacement and Repair: The repair of valves in the heart.

Aortic Aneurysm Repair: Repair of enlarged aorta to prevent rupture.

Pacemaker Installation: The installation of a pacemaker to regulate heartbeat.

Craniotomy: Opening up the skull to treat the brain for tumors, aneurysms or repairing damage.

Spinal Decompression: The relieving of pressure on the spinal cord.

Deep Brain Stimulation (DBS): This is the treatment of the brain with electrical pulses.

Breast Augmentation and Reconstruction: The implantion of artificial breasts for cosmetic reasons or to replace them after trauma or removal.

Liposuction: The removal of excess fat in the body.

Ovarian Cystectomy: Removal of ovarian cysts.

Endometriosis Surgery: Removal of endometrial tissue outside the uterus.

Nephrectomy: Removal of kidney

Ureteroscopy: Removal of obstruction in urinary tract

Vasectomy: The clipping of the male reproductive tracts to prevent fertility.

Colectomy: Partial or total removal of the colon.

Gastrectomy: Partial or total removal of the stomach.

Esophagectomy: Partial or total removal of the esophagus

Septoplasty: The correction of a deviated or damage septum.

Cochlear Implantation: Surgery to grant the hard of hearing or deaf to hear without hearing aids due to an implanted device.

The Winchester Method

Let's be honest your character is likely not going to hospital for their needed surgery. That bullet is going to be removed elsewhere and that appendix is coming out on the run. We're writers, we sort of use medicine like a fucking jump rope. THIS IS FOR FICTIONAL PURPOSES ONLY. The basic needs of make your own surgerical tools:

Sterilisation: You need something to sterilise your "tools". You can use alcoholic spirits or boiling water or open fire.

Needle and thread: You have to close yourself up, both need to be sterilised. See my post on stitches.

Cauterization: You need may need something to cauterise the wounds or stop bleeding. Something hot, sterile and metal like the flat of a knife can work short term.

Scalpel: You will need a sharp knife, sterilised and appropriately sized like a small paring knife or the blade of a Swiss army knife.

Bandages and towels: Something to soak up blood and cover. Torn up clothes or sheets can be used but most be sterilised.

Anesthesia/Pain Management: Something for the pain. Strong drink can be used to dull the pain but so can over the counter meds.

[junkdrawerfan]

Why do people make Tim being “sent” to train under Lady Shiva a bad thing in fanfics?

UM… ACTUALLY! Everything about that sentence is wrong.

Bruce doesn’t send Tim to train abroad after “only a few weeks.”

Bruce doesn’t send Tim to Lady Shiva. Tim finds that trouble all on his own.

Point 1: Bruce doesn't send Tim to train abroad until after he's been trained by Bruce for months and has "earned" the robin suit by saving Bruce from The Scarecrow. Tim meets Bruce during Spring — as seen in the art during Tim’s time tracking Dick to Halley’s Circus during his intro comic — and is being trained by him until Christmas Eve where Tim defeats Scarecrow. That is a at least 7-8 months of training.

After receiving the Robin suit, Tim expresses doubt in his ability to be Robin to which Bruce says “You just need to gain physical prowess” and suggests a training trip in Paris.

Point 2: Bruce then sends Tim to Paris to train under one of Batman’s old teacher: a Tibetan monk who’s taken refuge in Paris and is a specialist in both healing and hand to hand combat. The monk is referred to **cringe** as “Lama.” Tim then gets caught up in a gang fight which spirals into a conspiracy and catches the attention of Lady Shiva all on his own!

(Total side note and I know it was like 1991 BUT SO MANY early Tim stories have awkward racism you can’t even squint past. You gotta just grit your teeth and keep reading. His parents are killed by an evil voodoo guy. He trains under a mystical Tibetan monk. He has some awkward run ins with a Chinese mob. He had to manage a couple of “angry black guy” characters. Like I’m sure lots of other DC properties were just as bad at this time. But then you remember that Tim’s Robin is one of THE MOST successful comic lines during the 90s and early 00s and it’s just awkward. And DC still won’t hire enough non-white male writers and artists when you have beautiful stories like The Boy Wonder written by brilliant POC artists. Like why?!??)

Look I'm not saying Bruce is a perfect mentor to Tim. His reactions to Janet Drake's death is not ideal. Bruce also tries to hide information from Tim when his parents are kidnapped and lets Tim think his parents are dead because "what if Bruce can't fix it". Bruce's control issues are on fine display for several issues.

But sending Tim to Lady Shiva is not a neglectful act on Bruce's part. Tim ditched Bruce’s safe training plan and gets involved with a DEA agent and Lady Shiva.

It turns out — as you find out at the end of the comic set about Tim’s training — Bruce has been lurking around watching and waiting to step in if things get out of control for a while sfter Tim ditches Paris but otherwise lets Tim think he’s alone until Tim has succeeded in his mission and defeated King Snake. Bruce does this is to help Tim gain confidence in the field, something he was lacking during the moment Bruce hands him the Robin suit.

It’s a really sweet arc actually and helps set up what kind of Robin Tim Drake is going to be! Plus it’s a fun read (ignoring the racism)!

There is no reason to treat it as one of Bruce’s failings. He makes plenty of those all on his own.

[sunspira]

also finding out the discrepancy between my other cognitive skill scores and my working memory was abnormally extreme even for adhd people was very validating it definitely points to a more severe case and i had definitely been feeling like how come some adhd people are barely affected by it and some are like me like almost unable to perceive time (tho i'm getting better at this with intensive practice and special neurodivergent friendly tactics but it was never going to be something that i learned naturally)

"Catherine's is 55 points lower" instead of the average adhd persons 8.3 made my jaw drop tbh.

i definitely figured i was imagining it but no it's really um a bit debilitating and serious as a disability and stuff. I know i can come to adapt to it and live my best life but specialized therapy to adapt to the deficit and target the underdeveloped cognitive skills with special training and practice was very much needed and i'm glad i'm doing it now

IQ tests are dumb but i gotta admit being adhd i thought i was a little bit stupid my whole life but just good at school stuff until i was 21 and they had to test my IQ for the adhd diagnosis and the fact that it was a bit high was huge for my self esteem. i genuinely did not believe in myself like that at all i was expecting something very average. and it was healing to know that too since my ability to do school work fell off abruptly in college and thinking that was the one thing i was good at had left me was kinda more than a little scary so knowing i might have some intrinsic good parts of my brain still left was helpful to hear and healing i can't lie

[criminally-chill]

Shadows unveiled

Emily Prentiss x army! OC

This is my first fanfiction so please be nice

———————————

The BAU team was deep into the final stages of tracking down their unsub, a former special forces soldier turned serial killer with ties to international crime syndicates. His movements were precise, his attacks calculated, and the case had taken the team into murky international waters. They needed help—someone who understood how this man operated.

That’s why Emily had called Alex Miller, her wife, to assist. Normally, Alex worked in black ops, still active and often vanishing into missions that took her all over the world. But when Emily had reached out, knowing they were at a dead end, Alex had dropped everything to help. Though their relationship was a secret, their work together had always been seamless, even when no one else knew.

Introduced to the team as a covert operations specialist, Alex had already spent a day helping them narrow down the unsub’s location. Now, the team was ready to move in. For once, Alex wouldn’t just be advising from the sidelines. This time, she was going into the field with them—a rare chance for Emily and Alex to work side by side.

Emily couldn’t help but steal glances at Alex as they loaded up in the SUVs, heading out toward an abandoned military facility where they believed the unsub was holed up. Alex was dressed for combat—black tactical gear that blended perfectly with the rest of the team, her movements so smooth that even her prosthetic leg, the result of a past mission, was hardly noticeable. It was moments like these that Emily was reminded of just how skilled and deadly her wife was, though she also knew the softer side—the side that no one else got to see.

The team moved silently through the facility, their weapons drawn, the tension thick in the air. Alex was up front, alongside Rossi, Reid, and Emily. Despite the weight of the case, there was a strange comfort in having Alex by her side. It wasn’t often they got to work together like this, and Emily could feel her heartbeat steadying in sync with Alex’s presence.

"Got eyes on the target," Alex whispered into her comms, peering around a corner and spotting the unsub just ahead. "He’s armed—military-grade weapons."

Rossi nodded, signaling for the team to spread out and take their positions. As the team began to close in, Alex glanced briefly at Emily, their eyes locking for a split second. It was a silent communication they had perfected over the years. They didn’t need words to understand each other, even in the middle of a takedown.

Alex took point, leading the charge into the room. The unsub, clearly aware that he was being surrounded, turned on them, raising his weapon. Shots rang out, and the team scattered behind cover. Emily’s heart lurched as she watched Alex, her movements precise as she returned fire, keeping the unsub pinned down.

"Stay low!" Alex shouted to the rest of the team as they advanced, using her training to outmaneuver the unsub. Emily and JJ moved in from the left while Rossi and Reid flanked from the right.

Alex was the first to engage the unsub directly, disarming him with a fluid motion that spoke to years of black ops experience. He swung at her wildly, but she blocked his attack with her prosthetic leg, using it to her advantage. She twisted his arm behind his back, forcing him to the ground with a strength that seemed almost effortless.

“Stay down!” she ordered, pressing him to the floor as the rest of the team moved in to cuff him.

Emily couldn’t help but feel a surge of pride watching Alex handle the situation so flawlessly. Her heart was still pounding from the intensity of the takedown, but she knew it would’ve gone far worse if Alex hadn’t been there. The unsub was dangerous, highly trained, and yet Alex had made it look easy.

Once the unsub was secured, the team took a collective breath. The tension in the air started to ease as they realized the threat was neutralized.

“Nice work, Miller,” Rossi said, giving Alex a nod of approval. “You’ve got some serious skills.”

Alex smirked, brushing a strand of hair out of her face. “I’ve had a lot of practice.”

“Remind me not to get on your bad side,” JJ added, half-joking as she secured the suspect.

Alex glanced over at Emily, and though their gazes only held for a moment, the unspoken bond between them was clear. Emily felt the familiar tug in her chest, the knowledge that this incredible woman was hers—and that, for once, they’d be going home together at the end of it all.

Back at the BAU office, the team wrapped up their reports while the unsub was processed for interrogation. Everyone was exhausted, but the sense of accomplishment hung in the air. Emily leaned back in her chair, feeling the familiar buzz of adrenaline start to fade.

Alex appeared at the doorway of her office, arms crossed as she leaned against the frame, her tactical gear now slightly scuffed from the takedown. “Ready to head out?” she asked, her voice low so the others wouldn’t overhear.

Emily glanced around, making sure no one was paying attention, then stood and walked over to her wife. “Absolutely. I’ve been ready for days.”

Alex smiled softly. “Then let’s get out of here.”

As they headed for the exit, they ran into the team in the bullpen, who were making last-minute plans to grab drinks at their usual bar.

“Hey, you guys coming?” JJ asked, throwing a look between Emily and Alex.

“Not tonight,” Emily said, shaking her head with a small smile. “I think I’m going to head home.”

JJ raised an eyebrow, but her smile widened. “Alright. Don’t be stranger Alex”

As Emily and Alex made their way out of the building, Emily couldn’t help but feel a sense of peace she hadn’t felt in a long time. Alex wasn’t disappearing into the night, off to some unknown mission. This time, they were heading home together.

The drive back to their apartment was quiet, the tension from the day slowly unraveling. They didn’t need to fill the silence with words—just being together was enough. When they finally stepped inside their apartment, it felt like the weight of the world lifted off their shoulders.

Alex dropped her keys on the counter and turned to Emily, pulling her into a tight embrace. “We did good today,” she murmured, pressing a kiss to Emily’s forehead.

Emily melted into her touch. “Yeah, we did. But I’m really glad you’re staying home this time.”

Alex smiled, her fingers brushing through Emily’s hair. “I’m home more than you think. I might vanish for missions, but you’re still my home.”

Emily sighed, resting her head against Alex’s shoulder. “I like the sound of that.”

They settled into the couch, Alex’s arm wrapped around Emily as they relaxed for the first time in what felt like forever. The adrenaline from the takedown was finally gone, replaced by a calm sense of contentment. For the first time in a while, they didn’t have to worry about what tomorrow might bring. Alex wasn’t vanishing into another mission, and Emily wasn’t drowning in another case.

They had each other. And for tonight, that was all that mattered.

[lazarusrisingx]

pretty sfw post, just yandere caleb

summary : just me rambling abt caleb with a disabled baddie (me) idk wtf im talkin abt tbh im in a lot of pain rn.

okay yeah part of me is like ‘no! caleb! dont kidnap me and keep me with you forever rah thats bad ahhh!!’

but then im also like

so you mean id get to stay home… cook whenever i want (cooking is my special interest i love cooking) play video games… he would probs make the house easy to maneuver in and everything tbh… and just wait for you to come home and take care of me like the little prince i am!!?? and omg i just know he would make that kitchen so violently accesible for me so that i can do what i love and not cause my pain to flare up or havw the standing/sitting down make my heart rate spike and make me get dizzy like ik he would do it in a heart beat

your telling me id get the colonels top doctors and top medical care, that i wouldnt have to go into the hell hole that is a hospital to get my infusions? or get my check ups? or my blood drawn? that he would just send them straight to the house to come check on me and get my meds adjusted when they needed it and have the script ready within 30 mins???

YOUR TELLIN ME!!!! That I would be able to have a sexy obssesed robot man to lay on when he comes home and he will rub my back and probs learn to do massages on my spine to help reduce my leg pain and back pain???!!! that i could just be kept in a safe room, not have to worry about talking to people and have the overstimulation of the outside world and people shoved into my face, that i wouldnt have to go anywhere alone, that i could just turn my brain off and not have to be responsible and just exist to be loved on and taken care of and have my pain listened to and treated.

yeah… yeah that sounds nice right aboit now.

i feel loke yandere caleb woild become a specialist in my medical conditions over night and log my symptoms and my high and low days and track the progress of my infections to know when i need to go get antibiotics again, track my pain levels so he knows exactly how to make me the most comfortable, he would design a HEAVENLY shower room for me so when i need to get in the shower cause im in a vomiting cycle or i just need hot hot water all over my body to ease my joints and stiffened legs id be able to do so in the most comfortable shower possible. so i can get releif that only opiods would be able to give me. that he woild make it so accesible for me that i woildnt have to stand under the water even when om dizzy and my heart is racing, that i could comfortably lay on the floor and prop my feet up under the hot water to calm my tachycardia and get the blood that pools in my legs out.

idk it just sounds so amazing right now im in so much pain from my spine and my period and my fuckin heart doesnt know how to not beat at 130 bpm all i wanna do is get in a heavenly shower and be babied and have my forehead kissed and not have to deal with my disabilities just have it all taken care of for me and i feel like yandere caleb would do just that. yall can fight me on that fr

[horsefreek151]

The amount of work I put in, despite having disabilities, is absolutely wild. Not only do I have to keep track of my disabilities and their health requirements. But if I want to go out for the day, I have to predict how much energy that will take, what mobility aids I should use, and how much energy I will have left to do silly little things like take a shower, or do the dishes. I have to prepare myself for what roadblocks ill face and how much it will take to deal with them (IE don't bring my service dog to the Asian Grosser because they don't really get the concept and I don't want to stress them out, but make sure that Jacob is always an Isle away in case I do pass out.). On top of all that, thanks to my immune issues, I'm much more likely to get sick than other folks, so I have to take into account that risk, as well as the risk of injury, which I am also at a much higher risk of. This does not include the PTSD stressors of the doctor's office or the hospital, of which I am visiting regularly to make sure my specialists are up to date on my fluctuating state of health and making sure I'm getting the care I need. This week? I had to go to my psych's office for my appointment and go to my new ENT cause my voice has been gone for a month now. And because of my conditions, the numbing agent hadn't kicked in when I got scoped, so I felt everything in that process. My throat and sinus then went numb in the lobby, setting up our next appointment, which made Jacob and me cackle because of the ridiculousness. I'm spending hours per day managing all this, let alone coping with my Autism and the needs that it causes. This is all to manage the disabilities. I also run my Rattery and take care of my animals, cook dinner, and help with the house, and more. It's a full-time job I'm not paid for. I'm doing it on half the energy and resources of most folks on a good day. Jacob is having to help me even with his part-time work and full-time schooling.

Im not trying to complain Im trying to provide perspective. When 45, RFK Jr., and DOGE try to gut government-funded healthcare and violate disability rights, they are telling the world that Me and My Life doesn't have value. When they defund programs meant to work on DEI initiatives and wipe DEI from government websites, they are destroying systems that disabled people like me use for survival and silencing our voices. DEI includes disabled people like me, and lifting our voices so that we don't get murdered because we want a life of dignity, but the state doesn't want to help because they don't see human life as worthy unless it pays taxes or is too rich to pay taxes. RFKJRs own family lobotomized his aunt Rosemary instead of getting her the healthcare she needed because it was inconvenient to have someone with mental health issues in the family. He said that kids with autism will "who will never pay taxes. They'll never hold a job. They'll never play baseball. They'll never write a poem. They'll never go out on a date. Many of them will never use a toilet unassisted." Well, I've done/do all of those things and independently of my Husband, with whom I've been in a relationship for over a decade. Even if my poetry is rubbish and I'm not great at baseball doesn't mean I deserve a life of dignity. Folks who can't do anything also deserve a life of dignity.

Everyone, and I mean everyone, deserves a life of dignity and basic human respect.

[awfuckitssunshine]

YHS as Qhosts - Taurtis

I got bored one day and decided to just randomly choose a fandom and one of its characters to turn into a Qhost, my species that is just an excuse to self-insert some OCs into different media

So I Wheel Decided some fandoms I love, got Yandere High School, and had the wheel choose between Sam, Taurtis, and Grian. I got Taurtis!

The lore is that, at some point in the YHS timeline, all 3 died and Haemal grabbed them (during their senior years at Tokyo Soul specifically). Though, while Taurtis technically died drowning, it is labeled as a homicide.

He remembers everything and was both relieved and terrified when Sam and YHS!Grian joined Haemal, knowing that means they died.

Despite the fsct Taurtis isn't all that musically gifted, his headphones were iconic, so his theme became around beats and music popularity instead of just music

With this, Taurtis is able to use his headphone jack to guide people, things, etc into following his rhythm(melody piper style), so long as the jack is plugged in somehow

Wherever he steps, Taurtis had sound waves extend from him, combining into a soft purple color when they connect

(More about Qhosts below)

Qhosts are an entire species whose job is to help people through stories and play through stories!

- Qhosts do not have regular names. (They have names like 'Omen, Annarchi, Nyx, etc)

- All Qhosts have a "theme" (mostly shows up in their weaponry. E.X, the Qhost in the artwork (Nyx) has a theme about death because she is very relaxed about death and she gets a scythe as a result.)

- Qhosts live in Haemal; an infinite void where they can make anything they desire appear (many Qhosts made 'jobs' to entertain themselves and each other, like parks and coffee shops and roads, etc)

- All Qhosts died and are pulled from their multiverse/universe into Haemal by random (Nyx, herself, was in a bus accident)

- Qhosts have several job types:

Curators - Keeps tracks of all the stories that are fully explored, with nothing left to offer

Librarians - distributing stories to Qhosts as well as keepers of storybooks/story portals

Haels - "Adventurers" who hunt down new story portals in Haemal (These three keep each other in line)

Archeologists - Qhosts that travel into new story portals, typically the "prologue" to make sure its usable and/or safe, give it a genre, etc)

Completionists - The Qhosts who complete each story to full completion

Non-Status - These Qhosts either don't go into stories often, rarely at all, or claim a story to live in as long as they desire, until they return to Haemal

( Less important but still fun lore)

- Qhosts don't actually need to eat or drink or sleep, but it definitely is energizing

- QHOSTS DO NOT HAVE TO BE HUMAN Most of them are humanoid but not all of them are human, especially in a vast set of universes

- A lot of Qhosts have genre favorites and dislikes, which Librarians keep track of(so, yknow, you dont give a dating sim specialist to a horror specialist)

- Protagonists, if there is one, are the only ones who can see the Qhosts. If there are multiple protagonists, one is focused on at a time

[americahelpingamerica]

I’m reaching out to people to please help me I’ve lost everything to a scam, I’ve helped so many people in my life and I so much wanted this to be something special and I believe in all the wrong things not knowing this could actually happen. And it happened. I don’t like asking for help. I like helping people anything that can be done. Anything that you can do any help whatsoever is greatly appreciated.

My whole life the only thing I’ve done was try to leave it quiet and peaceful. I work hard take care of my family and do the best I can I open and start a nonprofit organization and being new to social media I got scammed. I lost everything. I reached out on a GoFundMe to help me Recover some of the losses and try to get back on track and continue to help people and I get scammed again well almost I may be naïve, but I understand something I got burned by bitcoin on a finance network. Actually, it was Ethereum Meta and this Recovery specialist tells me I found all your your crypto And begins to explain the process in the end. I’m told to give cost another $1500 to move it around and get my funds back I was quite clear. I don’t have extra money be regardless of what he’s uncovered. I only want back what was stolen from me And sister show me that it’s on the finance network. It’s a theory of meadow which we all know is garbage right now. I’ve been burned by that already. I just need help to get back on my feet again and try and recover a little bit that was taken. I was referred to this gentleman by somebody on Twitter or now it’s called X.. are people really this cruel to just keep scamming and scamming. It is super disenchanting. Thank you for listening.

[pucksandpower]

It's ferritin-less girl here. I've been to every specialist my physician has sent me to - gynecologist, gastroenterologist, hematologist, you name it. I don't have celiac disease and my pylori test came back negative.

I know about caffeine, tea and alcohol reducing iron absorption. That's why I take my iron supplements minimum 2 hours after I had them. I also take 1 gram of vitamin C every day for about 2 weeks every month to help with period flow and iron absorption. I also regularly take folic acid.

My periods are normal I'd say. I don't bleed in between, no spotting or anything. Had uterus ultrasound, everything was fine.

Talking about iron from food, I eat meat basically every day. Chicken, turkey, beef, and I usually pair it with some kind of vegetable/salad. On weekends I try to eat fish like salmon, tuna.

My physician suggested to keep taking iron supplements and when I'm done, to just keep tracking iron levels and start taking supplements again when it starts to drop again.

Hi, ferritin-less girl! I appreciate the detailed update. It sounds like you’ve been incredibly thorough, which is great (but also frustrating when there’s no clear answer). Since you’ve ruled out the usual suspects, here are a few less commonly discussed factors that might be worth looking into:

Even if you don’t feel inflamed, low-grade inflammation (from things like chronic stress, sleep deprivation, or even mild gut imbalances) can mess with iron metabolism. Inflammation increases hepcidin, a hormone that blocks iron absorption and traps it in storage.

How’s your sleep and stress? If either is off, managing those could help iron levels stabilize.

Iron metabolism relies on copper and vitamin A to transport and store iron properly. Deficiencies in either can lead to stubbornly low ferritin despite good iron intake.

Copper sources: shellfish, nuts, seeds, organ meats, and dark chocolate.

Vitamin A sources: egg yolks, dairy, liver, and orange/yellow veggies (though animal sources are best for absorption).

Even without celiac or H. pylori, low stomach acid or gut microbiome imbalances can impact iron uptake. If you ever have bloating, indigestion, or feel like food “sits” in your stomach, that could be a clue.

Taking a little lemon juice or apple cider vinegar before meals can help with absorption if stomach acid is low.

Even with normal periods, you’re losing more than just iron. Magnesium, zinc, and B12 all play a role in red blood cell production and iron metabolism. If you haven’t already, it might be worth checking zinc and B12 levels, since deficiencies can make it harder to restore ferritin.

Your physician’s approach makes sense — tracking levels and supplementing as needed is a practical solution. But if you’re looking to get ferritin up and keep it stable without relying on supplements forever, these might be some new angles to explore.

[yrfemmehusband]

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I'm thinking a lot about my own role in my medical treatment and how I've definitely aided in my own prolonged diagnosis. Yes, lots of doctors gaslight, and lots of doctors are starkly rude and unhelpful. But it's hard to deny I've also played a role in not getting what I need from appointments and Drs.

My severe medical trauma makes it really difficult to explain what exactly I want to say. It makes it hard to say anything. And while that's hard to overcome when you keep getting traumatized, it's something I really need to do. Not being able to fully articulate to my doctors what's going on with me has severely negatively impacted my care.

It is also up to the patient to redirect their care if it isn't going in the direction they feel it needs to go. I have known this whole time I need to go up a neurologist but on some level I have allowed myself to be yanked from specialist to specialist to not find anything wrong. Investigating issues that might be a problem but don't fit all my symptoms, especially the most important ones. I should have emphasized which symptoms were affecting me most and I should have displayed more of my knowledge about where I think their origin could be.

All of this was hard to do for multiple reasons. These things have been more or less out of my control, it was hard to recognize what I needed to do. Part of the issue is fear of doctors and the medical system as a whole. Listing off all of my symptoms is difficult because they are so widespread. Ive had so many gaslight me that it's easier to pick a few most impactful symptoms and leave out the rest.

Another reason is because of my illness itself. Doing anything has been extremely difficult for two years now. It's hard to make art, to post, to organize my symptoms let alone keep track of them. Ive wanted to make a folder of my symptoms, diagnoses, a timeline and pictures. I want to, just feel like it's not within my grasp to do it at all. It's difficult to pick up new habits or learn new things at home and at work. Everything is difficult for me. Add medical trauma on top of this and I was nearly mute in so many of my doctors appointments. Even now it's simply hard to articulate everything and remember everything I want to say.

Honestly I don't blame myself, this isn't my fault. The medical system and doctors should put in more effort and safeguards for people who have issues articulating their issues, and a patient advocate did not help me either, it wasn't even his fault to be honest.

This time I'm setting aside time to write everything down. I already have a chart and timeline of my symptoms and diagnoses I made with my therapist and now I'm going to draft a script for my appointment tomorrow. Pls wish me luck and if anyone has any advice that is welcomed thanks if u read my rant lol

[thetreehousechronicles]

OPERATIVE PROFILE

⋘ 𝑙𝑜𝑎𝑑𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑑𝑎𝑡𝑎… ⋙

𝐍𝐨𝐰 𝐥𝐨𝐚𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠. . .

█▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ 𝟏𝟎%

███▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ 𝟐𝟎%

█████▒▒▒▒▒ 𝟓𝟎%

███████▒▒▒ 𝟕𝟎%

██████████ 𝟏𝟎𝟎%

REAL NAME: Finn Gilligan

NUMBER: Numbuh 5.2

AGE: 11

GENDER: Male

ROLE: Medic / Field Support Specialist

SECTOR: V.3

CURRENT STATUS: Active

PERSONALITY PROFILE

✅ STRENGTHS:

✔ Master of First Aid – Can stabilize even the most critical injuries in a matter of seconds.

✔ Quick Thinker – Whether patching up wounds or coordinating under pressure, Finn remains calm and strategic.

✔ Tech-Savvy Medic – Not just about bandages—Finn can fix up advanced KND gadgets in the field when needed.

✔ Calm Under Fire – In high-stakes situations, Finn's level-headedness helps keep his team in fighting shape.

✔ Empathetic Listener – Known to be the one who comforts and listens when the team is shaken by difficult missions.

❌ WEAKNESSES:

✖ Overprotective – Often sacrifices his own well-being to ensure his teammates are safe, even when it's not needed.

✖ Overthinks – Tends to overanalyze situations, occasionally causing him to hesitate or second-guess himself.

✖ Non-Assertive in Leadership – While incredibly capable, Finn struggles to take charge in moments of crisis.

⚠ WARNING: Never push him past his limits, especially when his teammates are in danger—he’ll risk everything to help them.

SKILLS & ABILITIES

🔹 Field Medic – Finn’s main expertise lies in immediate medical response, from stabilizing critical injuries to providing long-term care in the field.

🔹 Quick Assessment – Has a knack for assessing medical needs on the spot, treating injuries in a way that maximizes recovery.

🔹 Emergency Tech Repairs – A solid tech head who can repair broken devices or patch up malfunctioning KND gear when in the middle of a mission.

🔹 Calm in Crisis – Whether it’s a bomb explosion or a teammate going down, Finn’s composure keeps his team alive and functional.

🔹 Tactical Support – While not a fighter, Finn excels at supporting his teammates by distributing medical supplies, directing actions in battle, and ensuring no one gets left behind.

WEAPONRY & GADGETS

M.E.D.I.C.A.L. (Mobile Emergency Diagnostic and Integrated Care Light)

Description: Finn’s versatile medic toolkit doubles as a life-saving device and an all-purpose repair tool. It’s equipped with diagnostic scanners, medical injectors, and rechargeable energy boosts to ensure his team stays healthy and in the game. The M.E.D.I.C.A.L. system can also serve as an emergency data-logging device to track injuries and repairs in real-time.

CLASSIFIED NOTES

🔐 "Finn’s level-headed approach is exactly what the team needs when things go south. He’s the calm before, during, and after the storm."

🔐 "While he’s a medic, he’s not afraid to jump into the fray to save his friends—often putting his own safety at risk."

🔐 "He has a deep loyalty to his team, and while he may not always speak up, his actions speak volumes."

FINAL ASSESSMENT

"Finn Gilligan is the unsung hero of the team—always there when things go wrong, quietly working to fix what others can’t. His selflessness and skill make him an invaluable asset, though his tendency to overthink and sacrifice himself can sometimes be his downfall. Keep an eye on him, but trust that when it’s crunch time, Finn will always have your back."

<< END OF FILE >>

[areusick]

here i go posting into the void again. it actually makes it quite therapeutic, in all honesty.

things have been incredibly difficult lately. two weeks ago, i finally started opening up about the last of my trauma(s) that i had left to process in therapy. it is also the most horrific one(s). going all the way back to my childhood, 27 years ago. 27 years that i've held the pain alone. i needed to get it out of me so bad that my skin was crawling, and i finally did. i am both regretful that it took this long, as well as grateful that it's finally happening (despite the pain and fear it brings up). this is good. this is good. this is good. i have to keep repeating to myself otherwise, the pain of it will swallow me whole. i am doing hard *and* good work in therapy.

i hesitate to post this on here for fear of being judged or possibly accused of it not being real, but i am diagnosed with a dissociative disorder. if i post about it on here, it will be quite vague (at least for now). this is something that only a handful of people in my life know about. i can actually count the number of people who know on one hand. this diagnosis feels like a very personal matter, and i am respecting that boundary.

i was diagnosed with the disorder back in 2021, and that is when i started working with a therapist who specializes in dissociative disorders. it has been the most groundbreaking and healing form of therapy i have ever done in the 17 years i have been in therapy. it's the one reason i have been stable-ish (as in not acting on destructive urges as much). i have not had to be hospitalized since 2021 when i first started seeing this therapist. and i was a chronic revolving door psych ward patient, if that gives you any idea on how helpful working with this specialist has been. i had been getting the wrong kind of therapy my whole life.

anyway, things have been so hard, and because of the intense trauma work, the dissociation is, understandably, running more rampant than usual. since being in therapy for this i have been able to decrease the amount of amnesia i used to experience by a lot which is so amazing. but of course with this reactivation, the amnesia is more prominent these days and it's both frightening and very disorienting.

almost every day, i go into this very numb and disconnected state. it feels horrible. i'd rather feel depressed than complete numbness. when i go into these states everything in my head starts to get blurry and blend together and reality just feels... off in a way. a big way. when this happens, nothing sounds ok. i don't want to read, play guitar, work in my art journal, watch netflix, be on social media, and i can never find any music to listen to that sounds tolerable in these states. i quite literally sit and stare at my wall, which sometimes leads into a catatonic episode, which is so terrifying. it's one of the worst feelings.

however, a few days ago, one of these episodes started happening while driving. i never drive in silence. i always have music on. but in these states, like i said, no music sounds tolerable. i was getting so frustrated with the numbness and silence while driving. i decided to try something new and i put on ethel cain's album, perverts. i have now found a genre of music that is actually tolerable when this happens. the drone music is calming in a very weird way. it almost actually feels like what is happening on the inside during these states. the tracks with very few words takes up less brain power. it is not a neutral album, it is an album that i feel invokes a lot of different emotions, but in these states the music does actually feel neutral. so i've found at least one thing that makes waiting the episodes out a bit easier.

over all, i am doing my best. sometimes it doesn't feel good enough, but i am trying.