#and then I dont. because doing things is hard

[phoenixisbest]

"CAN'T GET ENOUGH"

Mark is a certified munch, and loves seeing his girlfriend get the pleasure she deserves.

warnings: head (fem reciving), overstimulation, use of baby, service dom mark?, head then kissing, fingering, thats all i think

word count: around 350

└── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──┘└── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──┘└── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──┘└── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──┘

The thing about Mark: the man is a munch. Any chance he got, he found his way between your thighs. He claimed it was ‘relaxing’ after a hard day of saving Earth. This led to your current circumstance of already being two orgasms in, and your boyfriend simply refusing to quit.

“Come on, baby,” He peered at you from your thighs, face gleaming in your juices. “I know you can do another one.” 

You stammered, struggling to get words out. Your legs shook around him, pulsing with the aftershock of your last orgasm. “Ngh… I- mm- I can’t-” You whimpered out. Your hips shot up as his tongue returned to your core. He licked a stripe, flicking your clit with the tip of his tongue.  He continued to abuse your clit, sucking and nibbling on the bud.

Your hands found purchase in his hair, tugging at the base. He let out a groan at the contact, the noise vibrating against you. The bed shook beneath your bodies as he rocked his hips into the sheets. He got off on your pleasure, watching you come undone again and again.  “Mark…” You moaned his name. You could feel the pressure building in you. 

He dipped two fingers into you, pumping them slowly to match the pace of his tongue.  His mouth combined with the feeling of his fingers made it feel impossible to keep going.  Your legs shook more as you moaned loudly. “Mmph- fuck! Keep going… please-” Your grip on his hair tightened as he began to move faster. 

Your thighs clenched around his face. You finished for the third time, body spasming, and back arching off of the bed. He removed himself from you slowly, watching you gasp. Your eyes shut tightly as you came down from your high.

You felt Mark kiss you, leaning into the kiss. You could taste yourself on his tongue. He pulled away, “You did so good for me.” He smiled at you, kissing you once more. “Can you go again?”

└── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──┘└── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──┘└── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──┘└── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──┘

mark giving head as promised! also guys dont be shy to send asks because i always struggle to get ideas!

[runningincircl3s]

Hi, so... I was wondering what if, in another universe where they were not interrupted, the (almost) dry humping scene on reader's floor in chapter four would go🤭 because that was about to be so hot and I got annoyed like if I was the one straddling his lap...

okay i love this idea!!🤭 i've always wondered how far it would've gotten if they weren't interrupted...

nsfw ahead!! 18+ :)

(i added in some of the scene before so as a little recap so we can remember what happened...)

With a heavy thud, he landed on the couch, on his back with a soft grunt, arms around your waist, making you land on top of him with a soft, shocked oof. You tried to process what just happened, as you pushed yourself up, your hands on his chest, your legs either side of his.

“Shit-“ you gasped, “I… didn’t mean to do that.”

Noah wheezed a laugh.

“You okay?” He asked gently.

“Yeah- yeah, I just… oh my god, I wasn’t trying to kill you.”

“You sure?” He chuckled.

You shifted your weight a little, trying to find a better position as to not fall off the couch completely… and accidentally rolled your hips right over his.

Noah sucked in a sharp breath, and you froze.

Because you felt it.

Oh.

“Oh...” You whispered, eyes going wide.

His jaw flexed, his eyes screwing shut.

“Dont… Don’t move.”

And of course, you immediately moved again, flustered and clumsy, trying to do the right thing, your hips moving again as you tried to roll off of him.

And that only made it worse.

Noah exhaled hard through his nose, grabbing your hips to still you completely.

“I said don’t.”

Your cheeks burned.

“Sorry!" You quickly apologised, now breathless, "I didn’t mean-“

“I know,” he said, voice tight. “It’s fine. Just… don’t panic-“

So you didn’t. You didn’t move. Didn’t dare look at him…

But then you did... and your breath caught in your throat, and you felt that pulse between your thighs.

He was already looking at you, his eyes dark, lips parted, bare chest rising and falling beneath you. His jaw clenched, the muscles in his arms flexing as he fought to hold you still. And yet… his grip wasn’t forceful, or rough.

You didn’t move first. He did. Just a little. His thumbs shifted along your hips, guiding you forward slowly, as if to test... You followed the motion instinctively, and your body rocked against him.

The friction made your thighs tremble.

Noah inhaled sharply, his hands tightening just enough to tell you he felt it too.

“Fuck.” He breathed, his head thrown back.

Your palms braced against his chest, but you didn’t pull back. You stayed there. Hearts pounding. Lips parting.

He looked up at you.

His eyes lingered on your lips, before dragging back up to your eyes, as you continued to gently rock against him.

Neither of you said anything, but neither of you stopped either.

He moved your hips again, just once, and this time you whined, gasping as your forehead dropped to his shoulder.

You breathed heavily into his chest, your thighs spread wide across his hips, and you could feel how hard he was trying to hold back.

But then Noah's broke the silence first, his voice deep and hoarse against your ear.

“You’re gonna make me lose my fucking mind.”

The way he spoke, the sound of his voice, made you press your hips down harder as you rocked against him again, the extra pressure and friction made you whine again, a little louder this time.

And that was all it took, that was all he needed.

You heard him groan low in his throat, his hands sliding down your sides and gripping your ass through your leggings. His fingers dug in, not in a rough way, but just needy as he moved you exactly how he wanted you.

“You feel that?” He hissed. “Feel how hard I am for you?”

“Y-Yeah-” You moaned softly and rocked your hips again, slowly dragging your clothed, soaked core over the thick shape in his sweats.

Noah’s head tipped back, swallowing so hard you saw his Adam's apple bob.

"If... If I put my hand down there... will you let me?”

You nodded your head with a soft please, trying to ignore how dizzy and lightheaded he was making you already, without his hand.

His hand slowly slipped beneath the waistband of your leggings. His knuckles brushed the bare skin of your stomach. Then cotton. Soaked cotton.

“Fuck.” He whispered, feeling the way your hips jerked when he pressed down just right on that spot over your panties, with just enough pressure to make you squirm.

“Don’t,” you gasped. “Don’t tease, Noah... please.”

He gave you an evil smirk, but he didn’t. His fingers started rubbing deliciously over the ruined fabric, and he watched as your mouth fell open.

Your hand slid down between your bodies, tucking beneath his sweats until you found him through his boxers.

He was hard, and he was big...

You wrapped your fingers around him, rubbing him over the fabric, and the groan that tore from his chest made you throb.

“You’re so hard... all cos of me...” You teased, with the cutest little smirk on your face that almost sent him over the edge.

“Only for you,” he grunted. “You- fuck- you don’t get it, do you? The things I want to do to you…”

Then, you slid your hand into his boxers, swallowing hard at the heat of it, how desperare he must be. You wrapped your fingers around him again, and he rocked his hips into your hand, panting now.

And at the same time, his fingers slipped beneath the damp, sticky fabric, and the moment his skin touched yours, the rough pad of his finger meeting your clit, you were shamelessly grinding into his palm.

You whimpered, your head falling to his shoulder again as you bit hard on your bottom lip.

“Yeah, that’s it,” he groaned, his cock twitching in your hand. “Come on, rub that pretty pussy on my fingers... so messy for me already...”

Then his finger slipped lower, sliding through your folds, and when he dipped just the tip inside, your body trembled. You bit down on his shoulder, hard but not hard enough to hurt him, just enough to keep yourself grounded, because this feeling was almost too much.

Your breath hitched as he eased his finger deeper, curling it slightly, and you felt your eyes roll back, your nails now digging into his bicep as you came. Hard.

With a cry, your thighs trembled either side of his hips, and your hand stroked him harder, faster...

You heard him curse, and you felt his breath hitch. He jerked under you with a loud, broken moan, hips bucking as his cock twitched in your hand, and he came hard in his boxers.

You stayed there, both of you breathless and sweaty, chests heaving, hands still tangled in each other’s clothes.

You were slightly afraid to look up at him again, because this just changed everything. You couldn't pretend this was just a gym crush, or that you were just friends anymore...

But when you did lift your head a little, he was already looking at you with a lazy, soft smile, his face a little red and his lips swollen as if he'd been biting down on them.

"I think we got a little distracted." He teased.

"Well, if you didn't drag me down with you-"

"Hey, don't think I'm complaining about it!" He chuckled, brushing a loose hair away from your face.

You didn't realise, but your fingers were still wrapped around him, and his hand was still pressed against you.

So, slowly, you pulled your hand out of his pants and grinned devilishly as you licked a little of the mess he'd made off of your hand.

He swallowed hard, and inhaled sharply through his nose. But then his eyes met yours again, and there was something playful and teasing in the way he looked at you.

He slipped his hand out of your leggings and smirked as he brought his fingers up to his mouth. You watched with wide eyes as he sucked them clean, making a little pop noise as he pulled them out.

Then, like nothing had happened at all, he asked,

"You wanna try that roundhouse kick again?"

[wishyoudwell]

anyway so . heres some things i like about drawing four (my parasite):

- his hair. probably obvious, but i like bob cut-ish hairstyles, so ive felt drawn instantly. i dont have a specific way i draw it, its just changed over time. depending on day its easy or kinda tough. recently ive liked making it spiky in a way. hes also become spikier in the comic, so its cute.

- similarly to his hair, his shapes. four has these specific square/triangular shapes i really like. hes a lot simpler than he seems, and that makes him pretty easy to draw for me compared to some of the other chain members. legends shapes are similar to me in a way.

- hand in hand with shapes- the clothes. his upper half is like a hoodie. the clothes overall are loose and sleeves puffy with a slim end. the belt ties around his waist and makes a nice shape. the tunics end part, because its a tunic, emulates a skirt/dress shape (…which legend does more intensely). his black tights are a charm point too. overall the only thing i tend to change a lot is making the lower end of his tunic longer cause its cute and his boots a lot bigger. theyre much tinier in canon and i just… make them bigger. i guess. they look more comfortable that way? both of these arent purposeful. i just do it automatically.

- expressions…? four is pretty reserved looking most of the time (not all the time, he definitely can get emotional too) but his expressions are usually pretty easy to do because of it. also coloring the eyes a simple black is fun.

- ears. needs no explanation ive just been fanatically obsessed with sharp/elf like ears since ive had eyes. even splatoon chars have them. its a perfect thing in character design for me. i enjoy them so much. (also a cute little earing!)

difficulties:

- the gold patterns. i just end up making a chicken scratched mess of them because i cant be bothered to do all of that. simplification is key but sometimes i have a hard time making it look okay.

- the kinstones. i just always forget them and never add them. but jojo is guilty of this too, so i think i can be spared.

overall i think four is really simple to draw…or maybe ive just drawn him so much i got used to it haha. thats why theres many doodles of him and sloppy sketchy art specifically. whenever i draw him, its become mindless and calming.

which is funny, because i have a hard time drawing shadow, even though they should be the same. but theyre also not. funny, right?

[grahams-hatched-egg]

As a hannigram lover this actually resonated so hard. The community is very hard to navigate, as a trans gay man this actually has had an effect on my mental health and what ive looked for in relationships. The fact that i find very little healthy fanfiction, and the fact that i find most that actively support the abuse and manipulation of will graham is startling.

for starters, I want to make myself clear to those i come across. I have never and will never support the idea that Molly, Alana, Beverly, etc. BASICALLY ALL THE FUCKING CENTRAL(but even still minor side characters) WOMEN IN THE SHOW ARE PORTRAYED AS ENEMIES IN THW COMMUNITY. And why are they enemies? because they “got in the way” of hannibal and Will. Molly for trying to give Will a normal life, beverly for trying to arrest hannibal, and alana for being manipulated and then mad at hannibal but still trying to save Will from hannibal.

second, I am fully convinced the show itself is not the problem. Will turns hannibal down at every turn, attempts to kill him at many points, and it is blatant that the love between them is twisted and abusive, and most of all Will being manipulated into loving hannibal, which feels unconsentual. Where there is an issue is when people portray Will as a willing and sane person in the relationship. And especially that that is the only mindset that gets pushed in the community.

The people who actively choose to ignore the blatant misogyny and the praise of abuse in this community are problematic.

But i also want to give a unique perspective as someone who has been active in this community for 3 years now. I mostly interact with other queer people, and that of course has hidden a big part of the community (namely straight people). But still i feel that i have an inside perspective of what looks to be very insane to the outside.

- Most people i have talked to both on tumblr and in real life all acknowledge this is NOT what we look for in relationships. That it is toxic and dangerous.

- This brings me to people that say that they want what hannigram has, which in most cases seems to be younger people joining the community. This is not good obviously, but i know where it stems from. Because i myself have thought this exact same thing as a 14 year old. Hannigram being as accessible and popular as it is its a stepping stone for many into the world of fanfiction and tumblr and shipping and whatever else, it certainly was for me. I dont want to dumb things down and say it was 14 year olds being edgy, or lonely and them thinking toxicity is the only way theyll ever find love(that was what it was for me) because i think its a lot deeper than that.

And thats the fanfiction. Popular ones such as “Paragon” literally has a line in it being like “would you blame the wolf for killing the deer” or something like that, or its a post fall curtain fic with lots of angst and resolution. BUT this never involves hannibal being punished for killing abigail, torturing Will or the manipulation throughout the whole relationship. Instead its Will “embracing” his darker instincts. Which again WHY? why forgive everything thats happened at the drop of a hat because “hannibal was right all along.” For all the smart people in this community they seem to be pretty fucking stupid to the idea that hannibal is a manipulative prick.

- so why am i still in the community when there is still such blatant and obvious misogyny and the support of a cannibalistic serial killer who manipulates a man into loving him and then tortures him. And while this may not be a good answer, its the fact that i can separate my fiction from reality and read some inherently angsty content while still being able to understand that it is wrong and abusive. Now for the community. I dont often express that i enjoy hannibal nbc, nor do i mention that i ship hannigram. But in my offtime i interact with the people that i agree with. I separate myself from the people who seem to hate all the women in the show, and those who actually think hannibal is good for Will. I enjoy it in my private life, through fanfiction and online, but as ive matured ive realized and learned that i should focus on separating it heavily from my real life. And thats how most people in the community feel as well. That it is wrong, and that if we witnessed it online, it would be an immediate condemning of the abuser and helping of the abused. But I will never blame someone for not liking it as I fully understand how it comes across.

And as one last point im going to say, if hannibal was not casted with a popular model and actor mads mikkelsen, people would not be shipping them, and in fact very against Hannibal. And just because he is attractive does not mean he should get a pass to literally kill, imprison, torture, and manipulate a man into loving him.

"If Hannigram was straight"

I am infuriated, I´m gonna get cancelled, whatever, I can´t care less. But I´m really sick and tired of fetishizers of Hannigram. Surprisingly mostly are straight and queer women, haven´t seen or heard of real gay men giving their opinion on the matter.

I come across this tiktok of person saying that if Hannigram was straight it wouldn´t work and wouldn´t be interesting, because people will make them like Joker and Harley Quinn and the relationship would be like just another abusive heterorelationship because of the power dinamics.

First, bruh... have you heard of CLARICE STARLING? 70% of the character of Will has Clarice lines, plot and personality. Will WAS NEVER the love interest of Hannibal in the original books and movies.

Second, "it wouldn´t be interesting" , ohhh but that´s because you fetishize gay relationships and abuse, do you even read normal romance gay novels or series? I bet you don´t.

So it wouldn´t be interesting because according to you, a WOMAN cannot be at the level of Hannibal. Which is basically the opposite of what happens in the novels. Hannibal LOVES Clarice because she is at his level, is intellectually equal to him, he cannot even predict her or brainwash her.

Third. "it would be just another abusive heterorelationship" , oh... and Hannigram is not one of the thousand homosexual abusive relationship that exits??? This people also LOVE Killing Stalking, Berserk for the "gay relantionship" of Guts and Griffith (the homosexual undertones are obvious, but it is abuse), the Painter of the night (I couldn´t even get past the 5th chapter for the amount of disgusting r*pe that exist in the series).

Four. "power dinamics" ahh... yes, Hannibal is clearly OLDER than Will, has double of work experience as him, he is a llithuanian COUNT, he is rich as f*ck, he is way more educated than Will and smarter than him. Is that not another "power imbalance"???? or only works because you think woman are "inferior"???? uh...

Never seen people that love the books comparing Clannibal with Harley Quinn and Joker, not a single one. We know is a fuck*d up romance, that´s the thing, the world that they live in has betrayed them thousands of times. Hannibal when he was a kid and lost Mischa and Clarice as a woman in the misogynistic FBI and real world.

The books were never written in that tone, they are a crime and thriller books mixed with artisty imaginery (beautiful indeed), they are not a moral compass to follow.

You should like how Hannibal treats Clarice, he deeply loves her, tries to help her, gives her everything, admires her. At the end of the day the only have each other in the twisted world they live in and that´s it.

But how Hannibal physically and mentally tortures Will???? Killing people he loves in front of him, making his life a living hell... and that´s not abusive and power imbalance to you?

I´m having a real hard time finding Hannigram fans that are not misogynistic or fetishizers, I swear... and is very concering.

This has impact in real life queer people. Specially teenagers. If this is all the representation that they have, abusive relationships, what do you think they are going to seek in their significant other? Is hard enough for queer people to report abuse and r*pe to the authorities.

Now imagine been a 14 y/o exposed to the internet and the thousands of toxic gay men representation out there... and reading "ohhh I just want what Hannigram has" "Hannigram for life" "that´s real love".

Now you can cancel me all you want.

[thursdaysyme]

Idk if this sent bc the app crashed while writing this ask, but how do you make your colors so lovely? like it makes me feel like when you walk outside and the sun shines on you and makes you feel warm and nice, if that makes sense

first ur so sweet tyyy,,, for the question lemme see i guess there could be two or three reasons for my colors. One, I use a high saturation on like everything. if it aint saturated i don't want it.

Then i also love a layer on top to tie everything together. It depends on what it is, but i use linear burn, overlay, hard light, soft light, or vivid light for the over layer. (i typically always use hard light with orange though) here the difference is subtle, i only have the layer for this on 17%. But see between the two theres a slight shift in the colors that make all of them kinda like go together more? and warmer?

for that piece specifically two i wanted that like warm light to look like they were basking but for like some i turn it up high because like this one i wanted that hue on it bc i liked it idk honestly i just vibe with it.

then i guess another color thing would be i keep the same pallet for different fandoms so the turtles get the rainbow palette like. always. then arwen gets a like purpely blue palette. i think its good to match the vibes with the colors.

the last thing i can think of is i use the method of going diagonal and moving the color slider over to get brighter or darker colors like this? if this makes sense i hope it does lmao

i dont just go darker or lighter i also change how saturated it is and the actual color on the sliding scale

i uh hope this helps lmao also thank you so much again!

[yanderemommabean]

Hi momma! This isn't a request at all, this is just a question. Would you, hypothetically, ever write Ganondorf x reader?

Every fic of him is like purely sexual and he's so mean to you 😔 I know him being soft and loving is as far from the canon as it can get, it's just that degradation makes me so miserable! And I know you write both of those things

Maybe one day when you aren't so busy (and not feeling great) and when I have money to commission you because I'd really really love to do that

Sorry for the ramble, I meant for just the one question but then I got excited to talk to you. Or talk at you I supp6

I love your writing!

I've written for him a bit, in order to write for him more imma need peeps to interact with posts more and such lol cause if notes are low im gonna assume no one wants that on the page.

But I never agreed to him being *cruel* to the reader / any ship he's in. Just stern, like an angry guard dog, but who still has his more puppy moments. Possessive, but not entirely abusive. More or less wishes you'd stop fighting him so hard so you can see you're very worthy of his affections and treatment.

No, He won't cackle as you start to sob when being intimate. He'd whisper in your ear to take deep breaths, that you're fright is warranted but He isn't stopping. You can hiccup and sniffle, claw down his skin, mark him up as you please, but he's taking you, and bathing you in his power and adoration.

I don't have an issue with people who like, make their yanderes sadistic, but at some point I sit there and start to think "Ok I think you just like genuine hate and abuse...Yandere's dont just...do that..." Which is FINE I just don't think its Yandere, ya know? Need something that shows the -dere end of it otherwise I feel kind of icked. (To which I just click out and move on, lol.)

TL:DR I love writing for him, I've gotten a few other asks about him Im excited to try and answer <3

-Mommabean

[sw33tl1es]

Explain why Tsumugi is the REAL embodyment of lies instead of Kokichi in V3 2 1 GO!!!

THANK YOU FOR ASKING THIS I HAVE BEEN WANTING TO HAVE AN EXCUSE TO YAP ABOUT THIS FOR FOREVER!!!!

I would also LOVE to hear more opinions on this

Okay,so, i have been thinking A LOT about the fact that we have accepted as a fandom that in the lie and truth theme v3 has going on, Kokichi is meant to the embodiment of "lies"

And I also been thinking a lot a about why i dont necessarily agree with it. Its hard to put into words, because of course when it comes to lies your first thought is to associate it with the character that makes being a liar is number one character trait

But the thing is, this feels like another thing in which Kokichi is meant to be an intentional red herring, why?

Because he is not the only liar in the v3 cast, arguably! Everyone is, they either lie to themselves or to others, of course some of them are worse than others (COUGH COUGH COUGH) but in a way they are ALL wearing a mask

Kokichi is the only one thats uspoken about it. Which ironically makes him more honest than 99% of them, lies for him are his way of communicating, its something that i think lets his creativity out and he has genuine fun doing (when not in the context of the killing game) yes. Hes a pathological liar which the rest of them arent.

Another thing i think about when it comes to Kokichi is that when its convenient for him he will fight for the truth, hes actually the reason why a lot of things in-game gets revealed (him outing Maki, him helping Himiko not lying to herself, Him punching Kaito to reveal his sickness etc etc) and a lot of the times we wouldnt reach the truth if it wasn't for Kokichis help. I think Kokichis embodies the theme of "Doubt" rather than lies, personally.

So when i personally think about someone that embodies the theme of Lies, i think about someone that not only keeps a persona but also makes others live in blissful ignorance and deceit, someone more Like Tsumugi

While yes, maybe "fiction" is a better term from what she represents, I think she does fit the bill

Not only shes keeping a contast mask but shes also making EVERYONE live a lie as well, in a way shes the one thats forcing them to keep masks and secrets from each others, puppeteering to them to the script,

But she is too a puppet, shes a tool of a bigger thing, team danganronpa, so maybe TDR was the real embodiment of lies all along🤔

[shazzbaa]

AAAAAAAAA a very belated THANK YOU ALL so much for the kind words on the Poor Edward animation I did!! i return with some DVD Bonus Features because i got way too invested in this project and i still need to yell about it LMAO. grabbed a bunch of frames for anyone who wants to look at him when hes not speeding past for .5 seconds, and I also have a process video and a cut content under the cut!

First up, rough process on that last scene in the mirror -- every clip of adult Edward actually has a forbidden maskless version because I didn't want to think about the mask moving in space until after I had basic motions down LMAO. Hes so cute when hes being smug...

This goes through the original scribble of the idea while i was blocking out scenes, then an updated sketch of key frames after figuring out posing and rough timing (by acting it out myself), shifting timing again (taking more time to pull the bell out) and adding all the other little movements around the key frames, adding his mask, cleaning up JUST THE MASK on its own layer so I could see how it moves on its own and make sure it doesn't squish too much, a new layer for JUST HIS HAIR because secondary motion is hard, (also these both have a sketch turned on that I just labelled "anatomy check," which I added so that I didn't lose sight of underlying anatomy/proportions while doing final lines), final lines, and then colour and then shading for final product. :> This scene and the lil closeup headshake on "I can't change a bit" were the main bits that went through ALL these steps, since they're more than one quick motion and he's moving his head around a lot.

and finally, CUT CONTENT: before hitting on the idea of the writing letter/sealing letter/packing up hearts bit, I had planned to do Edward pledging himself to the Boil as the background scene that was intercut with the others in the second half:

I ended up dropping it b/c even when it's quick, the movements were just too complicated to be able to parse when it's blipping by so quickly cut between wildly different scenes, but unfortunately i figured this out AFTER animating EDWARD INTERACTING WITH A MIRROR AND THUS HAVING TO ANIMATE HIS REFLECTION AS WELL LMAO..... anyway i think the scenes i ended up with are way better for the animation, but I still like this bit so places it here

--------

THANK U I also really like this line for him, Edward's complete refusal to be embarrassed about any of his very embarrassing behaviour is a quality of his that just fascinates me....

YES YES YES THIS IS MY HEADCANON TOO, HAHA IM SO GLAD. dont want to be inconveniently interrupted by the trauma of your parents' brutal deaths every time you have to do the masters dirty work? just disdain permanent murder as beneath you and then work twice as hard to achieve the same effect with bloodless psychological terror!!! SIMPLE!!!!

HEHEHE THANK YOU THANK YOU the idea of this sequence was the original thing that haunted me into making this animation. Originally I was just like "okay so I can do a flash of baby edward, a flash of orderly edward, and like, probably cut those in between a basic walk cycle, and that should be pretty easy right? Then I can just cobble that together and share it and move on with my life" and then that did not happen.

anyway THANKS EVERYONE FOR APPRECIATING THIS WEIRDO!! I RLY APPRECIATE ALL UR TAGS AND COMMENTS this was one of the most intense things ive ever made haha

[saguette]

Thats a good question. Favourite issues of JTHM? Maybe youve said this somewhere , if you did i DIDNT SEE IT!

I HAVENT!!!

Short answer: I think my favorites would have to be #4 and #5 the 4th issue is where he dies, very iconic, and the 5th one is a follow up so it leaves so much to chew on that sounds basic but i mean i really like everything that implies and what comes from it, i dont even know where to start honestly when it comes to complimenting it legitimately because alot of my favoritism toward it is personal but those 2 parts are on their own so hefty with potential it makes me crazy. I think most of my ideas stem from those two issues aswell, either because I misinterpreted something or I obsessed over a detail to the point I made something about it. Like this panel i thought was a mirror for some reason then later thought of it as a self portrait:

long-er answer: There's alot of little things I can hyperfocus on, I really like the conversation with nailbunny at the start of issue 4. Ive always really adored Johnnys self aware monologues, that characteristic about himself was always very comforting. That conversation is very obviously a display of his bipolar personality but in general moments of self reflection makes being crazy harder because whether it be self awareness or self hatred you know you cant justify what you do yet you can't help but do, along with not being able to change because you feel like it's pointless or too far gone. You won't be yourself if you change, just hate who you are and live with that. 

Additionally i cannot get over the fact that the Doughboys and Nailbunny are a coping mechanism created by his brain to hear his own thoughts told to him from a different body, Nailbunny being so he won't automatically dismiss it because he just can't trust any thought that originates from himself and the Doughboys being a separate entity he can blame the horrible parts on them and not realize they come from his own psyche. I really love it because even after all that is stated it feels easy to overlook the panel where he brushes off the wall as a creature mimicking his own voice, again pretending like it is not himself just because he hates it.

I feel like its easy to take this literally because this is literally what is happening but after everything that's said this reads to me as another instance of him reassigning aspects of himself to creatures to help cope with it better and the same thing happens when he "realizes" the Doughboys are too alive. I dont think they become alive like that, i feel like in the moment Johnny has a moment of clarity and feels so disconnected from them and their horrible intrusive blabbering its only logical to assume it isnt HIS doing anymore even though it always was. In general i think of the wall as non-confirmed if it exists or not. if you delude yourself into thinking something is there it is there you will feel the same obligations and paranoia as if it was there, practically making it real. That seems self explanatory but its given more weight because i think i remember reading a tidbit of Jhonen talking about monsters and he convinced himself they were real and a bunch of other stuff. I cant recall the reasoning but if im remembering right it really gives good insight. Ive taken alot of stuff in the comics personally and its hard to write down my thoughts because naturally something I love stresses me out to describe so I think i might end up formatting this even messier than before One of the personal things that really drew me in was the whole concept of the world disappearing when Johnny dies. At the time I was at a very bad point of believing nothing was "real" and one of the things I remember thinking about alot was that nothing existed outside of my room and that if I left my room everything outside that room didnt exist either. I remember imagining my windows as solid black because I was always up at night which reinforced the feeling of “nothing is out there”.  This panel still makes me kind of sick to look back on (in the best way possible) because of the house sitting in nothing. i love it alot even with Kriks ugly face on the side.

I know that it now in the comic could be interpreted as his brain losing consciousness so everything "fades to black" as an extreme version of that but at the time it felt very reminiscent of my feelings of nothing existing outside of my perspective or everything being a fabrication just for my sake until i die. Alot of my obsession with JTHM started because i felt like i could actually project my problems onto a character and have them make sense and it wouldn't just be pointless to live through these events. Alot of things in my life connected with the comic which is why i think so many people get drawn to it and it roots itself in them aswell which is very wholesome to me. Like i said alot of my favoritism on moments and issues in the comic are heavily personal, its hard to talk about JTHM without also indirectly inserting some of my POV or issues because theyre heavily incorporated into every idea and thought i have with it but i dont want to babble on too long. (shut up i know i have) Issue 5 really is so amazing because of how extreme it is, everything disappears so what happens after that? What does that mean? Why did that happen?  I remember reading something about jhonen just writing whatever he wanted even if it didn't make sense, so that really made me love that part of the story so much more because It doesn't feel like I need to get the interpretation or specifics correct because it “was” intentionally exaggerated or random. I say was in quotations though because another thing that makes me love it is that I don't believe that very much. Things can be random but they will still always have some reason and I feel like Johnen always downplays how much his emotions and state of mind contributed to JTHM everytime I've read his little notes about the comic, but anyway

This is a very long answer and could be longer but I cant articulate my words very well, I love all the issues but those 2 issues the most and they are a big climax part of the series so it makes sense to pick them even without a million reasons as to why

[ask-rick-j-lotf]

[Quiet. Serene. Just like the island should be.]

[But then a fly passed by. Then another. Then with the flash of an eye, a swarm of flies formed into a tall humanoid that stood tall in a stiff formation. A few of them flew around it. Many call it the beast.]

For such an eccentric child like you, we're surprised we haven't heard of you before until now. Your little friend over in the caves is a bit troubled, we reckon.

[It then thought carefully. Usually it can get something, anything out of the children that have crashed on its domain. However, this is a little different. Nothing really comes up. Odd.]

You don't look like the rest.

[It stayed there, curiously. It thinks it'll go smoothly like usual. Maybe it can get information from this one if it probes harshly. It's confident of that.]

Tell us. What are you?

took you long enough.

*[i turn around. i stare. i stand. its a beautiful day outside. birds are singing. flowers are blooming. trees rustle except theres no wind whatsoever. nothing crazy..... yet.]*

never knew you shapeshift old man. funny. last time i see you.. you are pork. pig head on a stick. how come you are now hivemind? you should use that more. you could have made things more entertaining for once. for me of course.

*[ok see brackets? i am real oc blog now!!!! look at me!! im so cool. look! character action in small text! this what writers do right? right??]*

*[i sigh. shrug. kick tiny rock with bare feet. boring. spice up it is]*

you know its so cool— SOOOO cool that you are (supposedly as everyone claims) the beastie. big bad guy. the lord of the flies that everyone piss their pants about. very spooky indeed. you have already tortured bunch of kids in this island. more than william golding could ever do writing me to existence. never fail to amuse how minds like you over there make book better than that old palooka (who for all i care can go eat taffy) could ever do. even if you have stupid name for supposed beast that sound like someone sneezed. but aside from that.. i get why you do this. this is your domain after all. right?

*[and then. i grab his throat. hard. iron grip that should not exist. you think i can not do this but OH I CAN. I ABSOLUTELY CAN.]*

... except.... this isnt your domain.. isnt it [[RICHARD]]?

*[i hold tight on neck— ong look guys cool scary part coming.]*

you want to know difference?? he gave me SENTIENCE. the power to THINK. they dont! now i am TRAPPED. because in all this wonderful, beautiful, miraculous world full of pretentious words of 20 sentence about leaves and– and essays and sparknotes.

i have no REST. no ESCAPE. no FREEDOM. i did not get to see bill and robert grow up with me. never for me to hug my parents— if they even exist. never for ME to be RESCUED. i saw them escape hell multiple times. i TRIED everything. they get to die. they get to go on that STUPID BOAT. AND I CANT. I HATE EVERY SECOND OF IT. GET ME?? HATE. HATE.

ohh but guess what? you are not special. you dont own island. you dont own a domain. i AM the domain.

you knew this. deep down... dont you? i am part of you. i am reason why its no go. why things the way they are. you should know.

and yet youre just symbolism to me.

*[ok send post. great crashout. 10/10.]*

[motherish]

July 4th. My final AX day. 🥲

.. the amount of shit I’ve got to say about this day lord. 😀

🦛 Where do I even BEGIN! LOL! Actually the most NONSENSE ASS MOMENT happened first thing in the fuckin morning! So let’s begin!! 🫠

🪲 We get to AX and right away Keii and I made it our mission to go to the Love & Deepspace booth cause we wanted the bags! I saw 999 people yesterday with their big ass LADS bags of their man and I wanted mine! 😤 We line up amongst the sea of 99 other people and once we get up there we show them our game (not allowed to have a screenshot and must be level 50+) and got our bags! Ok. So before we even got ours, we saw so many people holding up their bags cause they wanted to trade em and I just KNEW that would be me cause like I said before I GOT BAD LUCK!! I saw a girl standing outside the line holding up a Zayne bag they very obviously didn’t want and I told Keii “that’s gonna be me with my Zayne bag” CAUSE I ALWAYS GET THE NERDY ONES! 🙄 I get fuckin Iida all the time and now I KNOW ima get Zayne! I even jokingly said to Keii before bed last night “let me set my alarm so I can wake up early and get my Zayne bag” cause I just KNEW. Anyway. I get up there and the dude hands me the bag and GUESS WHO THE FUCK IT WASSSS.

🥧 Zayne. I fuckin called it. I said out loud “MAN I KNEW IT WAS GONNA BE ZAYNE” and the dude handing out the bags just flatly goes “sorry it’s random 😐” NO you corroborated with the universe to bestow this bag upon me!! 🙄 Keii gets Rafayel (which is funny cause she always gets him) but her luck is impeccable cause as soon as we get out the damn line she instantly trades with a woman for an Xavier bag!! Now I’m standing there with the bag I DONT WANT thinkin “well what the fuck we gone do now.” 🦧

👹 Well. We gone walk on over to the hoard of other girls trying to get rid of their bag LOLLL 🤡 AND HOW FRUSTRATING THAT ORDEAL WAS? God. I really am trying to keep this short but it’s so hard cause I legit have so fuckin much to say. 😀 But I spent some TIMMMEEE in the blazing sun trying to get my Caleb bag! And I was betrayed at every turn!!

🎒First, a girl walks up to me asking to trade and she has Rafayel but she wants my Zayne. I go ahead and do it because whatever I want her to have her man and I wasn’t gonna keep this anyway LIKE I AM TRYING TO BE NICE! She thanks me and she’s on her way. Some girl walks up to me and goes “yeah I wouldn’t do that if I were you cause that’s how I got burned” basically saying I was gonna get fucked and I think she spoke it into existence cause I see a girl with a Caleb bag and guess who she wants. 😃 Guess. 😀 Yeah. Zayne HAHHAHAHA MY LUCK!! Some time goes by (and I mean timeeeeee ok I spent TIME out there) and a girl asks for my Rafayel and she has Zayne! I figure whatever I’ll switch back like who cares right cause that one girl DID wanna trade Caleb for Zayne! Maybe I’ll find another girl like that! So I do it!

🦋 I find a girl with a Caleb bag and guess who she wants bitch. Guess who she wants. After I traded my Rafayel bag. GUESS!!!!!

RAFAYEL!!! BITCH THE WAY I COULDA SCREAMED CAUSE WHY IS THE UNIVERSE FUCKIN WITH ME HUH??? IM LIVID!! THENNNNNN I see this girl. She has Xavier. I found ANOTHER GIRL earlier who had a Caleb bag and wants Xavier! So I ask her who she wants and she says “I want Zayne” PERFECT!! A 3 WAY TRADE!! SHE TRADES XAVIER FOR CALEB. THEN TRADES CALEB FOR MY ZAYNE. CAUSE SHE SAID SHE WANTS ZAYNE. EVERYONE WINS RIGHT??? RIGHT???? 🙂

🍓I get them to trade. I go to trade with her. She says “oh.. I’m good.” I go? 😀 What? You said you wanted Zayne? Otherwise why would I have done this? I literally say that. She tells me she’s sorry and she misspoke and she looks visibly uncomfortable and I go “yeah yeah nah.” And she scurries off. If not for the fact that I didn’t wanna get banned from AX I legit may have chopped her in her throat cause what do you MEAN you misspoke? WHAT? HOW YOU GET ZAYNE AND CALEB MIXED UP BITCH! YOURE AT LEAST LVL 50+ OTHERWISE THEY WOULDNT HAVE GIVEN YOUR ASS A BAG!! SO YOU SHOULD KNOW!!

🎱 At this point I’m defeated but still incredibly stubborn n determined. 😤 I can’t give up on getting Caleb it’s legit sunken cost fallacy at this point cause I have been out here in the hot ass sun with my long sleeve BNHA uniform on going up to ANY bitch with a Caleb bag and praying for a miracle. I was actually prepared to be out there till night cause I was GETTING my fuckin bag. 👹During this time Keii has came and went cause she’s got a damn business to run like she can’t be out here lookin at my sad ass begging for a Caleb bag!! 🥲 She messages me asking if I’m still out there lookin for a bag and MY SAD PATHETIC ASS HAHAHA YES I WAS! Keii is an angel. She comes back to support/help me some more on lookin for this bag! But I def am a lot more deflated once she sees me again cause 🫠 THE WAYYYYY I had to have a pep talk with myself!! Telling myself NOT TO GET EMOTIONAL OVER A DAMN PAPER BAG WITH GOODIES INSIDE! But it wasn’t even about the bag really at this point it was the sheer frustration with trying to get it? And that girl literally going back on her word!? Like what the fuck?

🐌 I see a girl with a Caleb bag ONCE MORE and I ask her who she wants. She tells me Xavier. 🥲 Well I ain’t got Xavier I got ZAYNE so I’m on my merry way. Keii asks me who she’s looking for and I tell her it’s Xavier and …. My heart. MY HEART!!!

IM LOOKIN OUT INTO THE DISTANCE. LOOKIN FOR ANOTHER GIRL WITH A CALEB BAG. AND SUDDENLY KEII COMES AROUND THE CORNER WITH ONE!

🥭 She gave up her Xavier bag for Caleb. 🥹 She sacrificed her man for mine. THE WAY I IMMEDIATELY GOT TEARY EYED!! She goes “I just want you to have fun and get what you want.” Love is REAL ok. It’s REAL! The way my body immediately relaxed after getting that bag and hearing her say those words. 🌱 I know I am loved in this world. But to have a gentle reminder like this? How could I not cry!??

🐚 But then I was determined to get Xavier for her! Cause uhhh we both going home with our man and I feel like it’s gonna be easier to get Xavier than Caleb?? Keii is so sweet she just goes “no no it’s fine” NO you made a sacrifice for me! 😤 I know how much you wanted your man too! I’m waiting out here forever if I have to! 🗣️ And I didn’t have to cause literally a second later I walked up to this girl with an Xavier bag and she just LOOKED like a Zayne girly LOL and I was right! I go “who you lookin for” 👀 and she says Zayne and I just pass her the bag and she goes “oh. That was easy.” Yes. I literally saved you from the HORROR of fighting for your man!!

🍌 AND THAT WAS THAT! Keii and I ran off with our men and went to stand in line to take pictures of their cut outs. 🤭 All the while we talked about how shitty that whole ordeal was! We took a picture with Zayne too cause LOLLLLL HES WHERE IT ALL BEGAN. AND ENDED? I will always look at Zayne a bit differently.. 🌤️

🌈 I swear the day was such smooth sailing after that whole LADS debacle. We went to the gaming hall and got to take pictures at the silent hill booth! Also took some pics of Keii with this guy dressed as Ace cause he looked GREAT LOLL!

🍎 We decided to walk back to her table cause we spent so much time lolly gagging and ok!!! Ever since yesterday I have been telling Keii to keep her eyes peeled for a Harry Dubois cosplayer cause I REALLY wanna see one! I feel like I never see him! Anyway. We are walking back and guess who I see? HARRY!! 🩷 I stop him dead in his tracks and RAMBLEEE I cannot help it cause I have no one to talk to about this BRILLIANT game! We end up exchanging discords by the end of it! Which WOOHOO cause yeah I was not done lol!! 🥸 We walk off and I tell Keii “ok I can wrap up the day now cause I got everything I wanted.” I was over the moon!! 🕺

🥯 I wandered off on my own once more and honestly? It was so nice. 🎈I had such a good time wandering around with Keii and a good time with just myself as well. I don’t think that’s something I could say in the past? But I also never had an Anime Expo experience be THIS enjoyable before. 🎊 I felt like one of those old people that like to just talk to random folks at length because I found ANOTHER Harry Dubois and I talked his ear off even more! Seriously. I swear we sat and talked for a good 30min. And he was so kind he matched my energy. I would bring something up and then he would bring something up too and there was this constant back and forth. We ended up having to stand off to the side because we were just not done talking. Then later I found some One Piece/JJBA cosplayers and I talked with them for a bit! I have never been so extroverted in my life lol I was a social BUTTERFLY!! 🤸

🥁 Oh!!! And I got to stop by so many of my friends tables this day and talk to them? I saw Wen after 99yrs! Kaia too! 🩷 We took a photo together and I begged her to get Fantasy Life so we could play together. 🧩 Had a really sweet and deep convo with Ria as well. We talked about Ichiban and Yakuza as a whole and what it means to us. So nice to be able to hold their hand after so so long. I said it once and ima say it again, aren't human connections amazing!? 🎈

🎏 After the con we ate at this place with really good okonomiyaki and takoyaki! Also really good highballs too LOLLL like just the right amount of alcohol? I ended up getting 2 cause they were delicious! 🥴 We stopped by Honeymee afterwards cause CRIES Vegas no longer has one and this is my only chance!! They had a photo booth there so ofc we had to take pics to commemorate this WONDERFUL DAY? 💕 Seriously. This is the best Anime Expo I have ever been to. The last time I went was just frustrating and exhausting. What a wonderful WONDERFUL do over? Makes me wanna go back next year. If I can spend it with Keii again? I just might do it. 🧸

[ratbuchet]

Are Frisk and Chara actively in a relationship in your au, or pining, or something else? And does Chara's distrust come from a personal experience for them or because they believe nobody would want to be friends with them?

im glad youre asking but its hard to answer this kind of things about au/canon characters i like to play tuoys with because i dont think of the status of fictional relationships like checkboxes? like its not really selecting an answer in "is it romantic? yes/no" "is it platonic? yes/no" and it stays that way, confirmed, true, canon, forever. i like to play with different possibilities and its hard to settle on anything, i guess you can say im indecisive. but in a way where im having fun. if i decided their suffering is funny to me there will be mutual/one-sided pining. if i decided itd be yummy if there was romantic tension between them then it shall be that way. if i wanted to explore platonic dynamics then just friends they will be. what im saying is they can be anything to be honest but i do gravitate toward the idea of them having romantic tension (mostly chara tbh theyll lose sleep over being rizzed up by that stupid weirdo and think about everything they ever said and by god they will hate it meanwhile frisks just like "ya i like them and i bet...........................they liek me too........"), and im a sucker for happy endings so happy nonbinary yuri to many of you! as for charas problems yes i like to think they had an unfortunate past with their family and peers which made them a cynical person when it comes to relationships? so they dont actively make friends anymore and generally wont take shit or compromise if someone insists to befriend them anyway, at least at first. they are aware this makes them somewhat unpleasant to many and theyve accepted it, until frisk came along and could maybe change them a bit for the better.

[bytemee]

OPERA HOUSE 2 (continued) — yu jimin.

♫ playing… opera house by cigarettes after sex

synopsis. you moved to seoul for school, with barely enough money to cover your rent, a language you were still learning clumsy and slow, and your little sister back home constantly asking you to look out for her favorite idols, as if they’d just show up next to you at a crosswalk.

you weren’t here to chase anything. not fame, not love, not even a dream, really but just something to make it through.

but she found you anyway, and in her mind, without meaning to, she started building something quiet and vast just for you — like an opera house tucked deep in a place no one else could reach, a place no one else would ever know how to find, and she still doesn’t understand why or how or what it was supposed to mean, only that she was meant to love you, and even now, even after everything, she still does.

pairing. idol!karina x collegestudent!fem!reader

genre. romance, slow burn, angst / hurt-comfort, emotional drama.

disclaimer(s). unresolved trauma, ANGST bruh, fluffy too heh, kissing, L translated korean (not a lot dont fear), lot of timeskips, karina wants that cookie so bad dude...and let me know if there's more!

final part guys sorry for the three split 💔

word count. 8.3k

main masterlist. part one. part two.

you start seeing her name in your notifications a little more often, even more often than before, if that was possible. and as the weeks passed, it became normal, somehow. like you were meant to be right here, side by side, making her laugh through the phone, whispering jokes to her under the sheets.

so much so that it feels weird not seeing her number pop up.

a photo of her lunch captioned: "bet u eat like a child"

a voice memo where she tries to sing a song she got stuck in her head and then begins giggling halfwaythrough because she thinks it's embarrassing.

a random fact:

did you know that sea turtles have no teeth?

you didn't. but it was still nice to know.

it's cute how excited she is to share the most trivial details, the things no one else would think twice about. even cuter was how you knew her, all the different parts. you learned a lot, after those months, and they were all quiet discoveries:

her favorite color is blue. she hates coffee. she likes chocolate ice cream. she sings when she brushes her teeth. she always wears the bracelet you fixed the first time you met, no matter where she goes or what the outfit is. she never checks the news but loves listening to old rock bands.

but maybe the most interesting thing you learn about her is

the reason her laugh was always so bright and beautiful wasn't because she had practiced it. it was just who she was. you only wish she saw herself the way you do.

you still have other things going on. group projects, late shifts, laundry, and cramming formulas into your brain for the upcoming midterm. you meet jae for coffee one morning because he complained you've been neglecting him for too long. vivian makes you facetime her because she misses your face. your mother calls again. but still nothing from your dad.

you're there (over the phone) when livi unboxes her new computer. you send her a picture of you smiling, then a shocked face, to which she replies, "ew."

you buy her a coffee. she sends back a sticker of a cat vomiting. you tell her to be grateful.

vivian begs you to help her thrift a look for a '90s-themed party she got dragged into. sora picks up a few night shifts at the bookstore and keeps coming home with niche self-help books that she insists you all read together.

life feels full. almost overflowing, in a way, and it's hard to believe you started this year not sure if you could afford the rent, the gas, the food. but, somehow, it's happening. you're making it happen.

vivan, jae, sora

vivian:

uh oh

it's tuesday

you failed another math quiz didn't you y/n

you:

i didn't fail...

i just didn't pass

jae:

rip

you:

stfu

sora:

hey.

you:

sorry

vivian:

do you guys wanna go get bbq

sora:

omgggg yesss

jae:

yess.

you:

im studying.

vivian:

boring ://

sora:

im sure u can study later

vivian:

can you spare an hour or so???

jae:

she literally failed.

sora:

studying isn't going anywhere.

vivian:

its better late then never tho

you:

im locked in guys. im sorry.

jae:

top 10 worst anime betrayals

you groan and turn your phone face down. you weren't paying all this money to fail.

your phone buzzes.

karina:

i thought you said you'd call me after 8

karina:

but it's already 9

:(

your lips twitch.

you:

well technically 9 is after 8

karina:

(¬_¬")

she's cute.

you feel yourself soften, a familiar warmth spreading inside your chest, and without thinking, you dial her number. you don't even get through the first ring before she picks up.

"hi." her voice is soft, like she was waiting.

you smile, just a little. "hi."

there's a rustling sound on the other end; it sounds like wind. you picture her outside, hair probably tied back, phone pressed to her ear, with one hand shoved into her jacket pocket. "i didn't forget," you say, leaning back in your chair. "i've just been trying to get through this math set."

"mhm." she sounds unconvinced. "did you actually study, or did you just glare at the worksheet for two hours and pretend to absorb it through osmosis?"

"...maybe both."

"thought so."

you run a hand over your face and sigh. "i don't get it. it's like the more i try to cram in, the less i remember. i keep doing this thing where i look at the answer key and then try to reverse-engineer the problem, but that only works for, like... half a second. i'm gonna flunk the final."

she pauses. you hear the wind again, a car door slamming. "...are you outside?" you ask, blinking.

"maybe."

you sit up. "wait. like outside-outside?"

a beat. then, so casually, it makes you freeze: "can you let me in?"

you blink. "what?"

"what?" she echoes, voice light. "i was in the neighborhood."

you push away from your desk, startled, almost knocking over your water bottle. "are you serious—wait, seriously?"

"why would i lie about being outside your house? c'mon, i brought food. let me in before it gets cold."

you scramble up and head toward the door, heart picking up a little, palms suddenly a bit clammy. you can't help it. it's been two and a half weeks since the party. and ever since, all you've done is talk and text and learn everything except how it feels to have her skin under your fingertips and her voice close enough to make your toes curl.

you open the door to the sight of her standing there with a paper bag cradled in her arms and a book tucked under one elbow.

you stare.

she raises a brow. "are you gonna make me stand here in the cold, or—?"

you step back without a word, and she brushes past you. she's in jeans and a simple sweater, hair pulled back. it looks like she came straight from practice, or an interview, or something.

it smells like spring.

you realize, belatedly, that you should probably shut the door. you reach back and lock it. turn around.

"what are you doing here?" you blurt.

she smiles, lifting the bag. "feeding you," she says matter-of-factly, her expression turning mischievous. "unless you already ate? in which case, i'm a fool—"

"no, no." you take a few steps forward. "um, it's fine. i'm—not. eaten."

"okay, good.' cause i didn't, either. so we can eat together."

she kicks off her shoes before walking the familiar path toward your bedroom, setting the food on your desk before eyeing your notes.

you glare. "don't start."

"i'm just saying," she says, dropping her book onto your bed. "it's good that you're trying, but this is actual nonsense. you circled the same number twice and wrote 'why' under it."

you shove the notes aside. "okay, maybe i'm floundering a little."

she smiles—a small, private one—and reaches into the bag. "eat first. you look like you need the fuel, and it'll give you some energy."

"i'm energized."

"you are not. sit."

you do, because when she uses that tone—light but certain—you kind of always do.

she hands you a pair of chopsticks and sits across from you, tucking one leg under the other. for a few minutes, you just eat. the noodles are decent. nothing fancy, just a hole-in-the-wall place down the street, and definitely not the type of food you'd usually share. but the taste is comforting somehow, a familiar mix of garlic and pork.

karina doesn't say anything while you eat, and for a while, the silence is peaceful, almost comforting. it's hard to remember a time when the quiet between the two of you felt heavy, or forced, or unsure.

"thanks," you say eventually. "for coming."

she shrugs. "felt like seeing you."

you nod, swallowing another bite. "i wasn't sure when that would happen."

she pauses.

"you think about things too much, y/n."

she lifts a piece of chicken and blows on it lightly, waiting.

you're not sure what to say. it's not as if the thought hadn't crossed your mind. how you both danced around it for the past few weeks. her being busy, her group getting new schedules, you dealing with work.

there were days when you wondered if she was having second thoughts or if something happened, or even if you made things awkward or weird.

"sometimes," she adds quietly, like she can sense the way you're spiraling. "i forget we live in the same city."

your laugh comes out shaky. "we're both pretty busy people."

she takes a bite. chews. swallows. "mm," she hums. then: "that doesn't mean i don't want to see you." she looks up, and her eyes are dark and sincere.

you exhale slowly, trying to ignore the rush of warmth, and nod. "okay."

karina chews. swallows. brings her bowl closer. "how have you been?"

you lift a shoulder. "okay. school is kicking my ass. sora keeps finding me books, so."

"any more life-changing ones?"

"nope, just self-help. they all sound like they were written by the same person."

"but useful?"

you make a face. "if you consider self-help useful."

"which i do, for the most part. some of those things aren't always obvious. sometimes they're not easy, either."

her voice trails off, her gaze falling down again.

"hm," is all you say before you lean in slightly, tilting your head. "what's that book?"

she looks confused and then looks at where you point.

"oh. this?" she sets her bowl down. picks up the thick book beside her; it looks fresh, brand new almost. "i've been practicing it too," she says, tapping the cover with her finger.

"it's a math book," she adds, "i wanted to help you study."

you blink. "you study... math. in your spare time... because of me? why?"

"because you said you were bad at it."

"i didn't—" you pause. "well, yeah, i did, but..."

"so here's the plan. we can practice the chapters, and you'll get better. and then you'll ace your final and not have to retake the class. win-win, right?"

you hesitate. "karina, that's not—this is the rest of your day, not to mention your week—"

she rolls her eyes. "y/n," she murmurs, running a fingertip over the spine of the book, looking amused.

"what?"

"i want to."

your mouth snaps shut. "okay," you manage to say.

"okay," she echoes.

for a moment, the two of you stare at each other.

then she cracks a smile. small, a little smug. "you're kind of cute when you short-circuit."

you groan, covering your face with one hand. "don't say that."

"i'm serious," she teases, nudging your leg with hers under the table. "all flustered and grateful."

"i'm not flustered."

"you're definitely grateful, though."

that makes you glance up. she's grinning now, chopsticks dangling loosely in her hand, hair a little messy. you set your bowl aside and leave your spot on the bed to sit at your desk. "so what, you're my tutor now?"

"sure," she says. "honorary tutor-slash-moral support-slash-food delivery. add that to my resume."

you stifle a smile. "you're going to regret this."

"no, i won't." she gives you a look.

you get through two questions, both wrong, and you swear under your breath, about to scribble them out, but karina's already standing.

she comes over quietly, reaching past you to point something out on the paper, her necklace swinging forward, her hair brushing your shoulder like a whisper. "okay, wait," she says, kneeling beside your chair, eyes narrowing at the problem.

"try walking me through it. just say what you're thinking." you hesitate mostly because you're not sure if you're thinking anything at all—but she waits patiently, tilting her head a little, close enough that her knee bumps yours. and so, slowly, you try again. she doesn't interrupt.

she's always been a good listener, anyway, which makes this whole thing feel a lot easier.

and when you finally get one right—one stupid, simple problem that's been tripping you up all week—karina turns to you with a grin like you just solved world hunger and leans in to press a kiss into the corner of your mouth without warning.

"that was real tutor behavior," she says. "ten points to you."

"you didn't say there'd be kisses involved," you mutter, flustered, but not pulling away.

she shrugs like it's nothing. "it's how i motivate my students."

another half-hour passes like that, the math problems growing more complicated, her instructions more thorough, and your professors lectures being the missing puzzle piece to make them click.

at some point she huffs, clearly bored of hovering over your shoulder, and without much warning, she plops herself down into your lap.

you go still, pencil frozen in midair, and karina just smirks, arms looping lazily around your neck as she leans into you, peering down at the next problem. "relax," she murmurs, adjusting her weight slightly, your heartbeat now obnoxiously loud in your ears.

there was no way in hell you were gonna be able to relax.

"you're ridiculous," you say, voice too thin to carry any real bite, and she hums innocently, fingers tracing aimless circles on your back while you try—and fail—to solve the equation in front of you.

when the numbers start blurring together, you groan and push the worksheet aside, and karina makes a noise of protest.

"i can't." you lean back. "it's over. the universe has decided."

she sighs, exaggerated and dramatic, like she's disappointed in you—but there's a smile tugging at her lips, betraying the fact that she's not really upset at all. "you barely lasted thirty minutes," she teases, poking you.

"i lasted longer than i thought i would," you mutter, your hands settling instinctively on her hips, keeping her close.

"what's that supposed to mean?"

"you're distracting. in a good way," you add, smiling faintly. "but still... a distraction."

"how can someone studying math be distracting?"

"you're literally sitting in my lap right now, and yet, here we are."

her nose crinkles. "touché," she whispers, glancing at the textbook and then back at you. her thumb brushes along your jaw, featherlight, her touch lingering, and the air shifts, softens.

she smells like lavender, or something warm and sweet, and your brain feels sluggish, too focused on the way she looks.

she seems to notice your stare.

"what's wrong?"

"nothing."

you lift a hand, brushing the pad of your thumb lightly over her cheek, watching the color rise under your touch, her eyelashes dipping low, a question in her expression.

"can i?" you murmur.

a quiet beat. then she nods.

you brush her bangs back, a gentle, sweeping touch that makes her exhale, eyes fluttering shut. when they open, her gaze is heavy.

"hi," you say softly.

the smile she gives you is the softest thing.

"hi."

you lean in and catch her mouth. she lets out a little breath, her hands finding your shoulders, and her grip tightens when you slide your tongue past her teeth, slow, achingly careful.

her hair spills forward, framing her face. her hands are trembling, sliding from your collarbones down, then up, until they frame the sides of your neck. you part, breathe, and then find each other again, the kiss deeper and hotter this time, almost dizzying.

your head spins, and you feel her melt, a rush of warmth that sends a jolt straight to your spine. you let your hand travel, slow and tentative, drifting over the curve of her waist before dipping beneath the hem of her sweater.

"y/n," she murmurs after the fifth or sixth kiss, and you hum a reply, sliding a hand down her spine and making her shudder.

"yeah?"

you hear her swallow, feel the tremble of her ribcage, and the frantic pace of her heartbeat.

"i like being in your presence," she says, words ghosting over the edge of your lips.

your throat goes dry. "mm. is that all?"

"i think about you all the time," she adds quietly, like she can hardly bring herself to say it. "i miss you when we're apart. even when i'm not aware."

the heat that crawls up the back of your neck has nothing to do with embarrassment.

you look down.

she takes a slow inhale.

"so yeah," she continues, a hint of humor in her voice. "it's kind of annoying, actually. i like all of you—even the you that's horrible at math."

you let out a dry laugh, switching to english with your accent thick in your next words, more noticeable when you're caught off guard. "that's real cute comin' from someone who hasn't touched a calculator since high school."

"oh my god," she breathes, and then she's laughing for real, head falling against your shoulder. "you're lucky i like your accent."

you switch back to korean, a childlike grin on your face. "that's crazy. no one likes my accent."

"well, i do."

she smiles, and her dimple appears. you don't resist the urge to trace it with the tip of your index finger.

"good," you say.

⭑𓂃

karina, somewhere far away in the haze of a comeback prep she's too tired to process, thinks about the opera house.

not a literal one. it's this image that keeps coming to her when her eyes close during the five-minute breaks between dance practices or when the vocal booth grows quiet and nobody realizes she's still standing in there, headphones limp around her neck.

a tall, aching structure. white stone. aged wood. wrapped in vines, dripping in green. built deep in the jungle. far, far away from lights and lenses. somewhere no one else would go unless she led them there.

in her head, she imagines the performance meant for only one person. an entire orchestra hidden in the trees. every note, every high note, every breath—it would be for you.

because that's what you do to her. make her want to build beautiful, impossible things in the middle of nowhere.

just to prove she means it.

just to show she loves you.

but lately, she hasn't seen you. or maybe she has, but not in the same way or for the right amount of time. she's never really seen you spiral before. you always seem to have everything together, and the rare moment you don't, you push through it to the point it looks as though it was just a blip on the radar.

she knew the first semester would be hard; the workload was not a walk in the park, and the expectations were different than anything either of you had dealt with before. but she also knows you well enough by now that she recognizes the way your mouth thins when something doesn't come easy and the tension you get in your shoulders when you're not satisfied.

and in your head it starts off small. a call from home, livi asking for money because apparently the monthly stipend mom gives isn't enough. and even though it stings, even though the bank app gives you a long pause, you say yes.

you don't tell anyone, not even livi, that the cost ate through most of what you'd put aside for tuition. that it was supposed to cover january's payments.

you tell yourself you'll figure it out later. but you stop eating out with your roommates. you cut a few corners where you can. the coffee cart becomes a staple. your favorite foods slowly disappear. you're quieter in the group chat. you leave your room less.

vivian notices first. she offers you part of her sandwich after class. you shake your head.

jae stops calling you annoying. that's how you know it's bad.

sora finds you in the library. says she got extra free tickets for the aquarium. wants to know if you'll come with.

you shake your head. tell her the usual: work, midterm, stress.

she leaves a book. "what's this?"

"meditation for dummies. don't give me that look. just read the introduction."

"are you implying i'm a dummy?"

she smiles, soft, knowing. "of course not. just... consider it, okay? i promise you'll like it."

you nod, swallowing.

she's a good friend.

karina hasn't texted in two days, and you don't blame her. you've been dry. too distant for a girlfriend. you didn't mean to be; it just happened.

the last thing you sent her was a thumbs-up. you hate yourself for it.

but she's been busy. so have you. so has everyone. it just feels like there aren't enough hours in a day anymore and the ones you do have are spent thinking about the debt building up or the assignments you should probably start or the rent bill or—

karina's sitting on the floor of the practice room with her hair tied up and shoes kicked off when livi calls her.

it wasn't unusual. the two actually spoke.

sometimes about you, sometimes not.

the call starts off casual. karina asks her about school, about the dance team, about her new favorite drama and what the characters are like, and what sort of books she's reading these days. livi responds easily, talking about the boy she likes and the dumb stuff they pull to catch each other's attention.

but then her voice drops, quieter, hesitant, almost, and it's such a sharp change in tone, such a drastic contrast, that karina knows something's wrong.

"jimin."

"hm."

"you've talked to her recently, yeah? is everything okay? she sounds..."

her voice trails off, her next words carefully picked.

"...busy."

there's a beat. a sigh, then: "i'm not sure."

"did she mention anything? y'know, like, a rough day, or—"

karina swallows, and the silence is too long. "not... really. i'm sure it's fine," she murmurs, not sounding sure at all.

"hm," is all livi says, and the conversation changes topic.

karina spends the next hour wondering why her stomach is twisted, why her hands are a little clammy, and why her chest is a bit heavy.

then, it hits her:

fear.

it was fear, and it was irrational and stupid and unhelpful, but the truth is, karina hadn't spoken to you since yesterday.

well, technically. you both had. she called. you picked up. then, you were quick. rushed. almost tense.

and she hated how fast the whole conversation was, the distance, and the strange coldness to it, and so, after you hung up, she sat down in the studio and started staring at the wall and wishing she could rewind time, somehow, back to a moment when things were easy and she hadn't ruined everything yet.

the next morning, karina's summoned into a company meeting, walking out wishing she hadn't shown up at all.

the conversation was so rehearsed to the point her manager didn't even meet her eyes.

karina doesn't react. she simply nods, letting her ears ring, feeling the words wash over her and sink into her skin.

they explain, clearly, with the least amount of emotion that they can muster.

she wants to ask, how long? or is it forever? should she even get her hopes up?

but she knows the answers and doesn't ask.

they end the meeting and leave without a word.

a minute passes. then two.

when the door clicks shut, karina's lips twitch. she feels a laugh bubbling up, hysterical and disbelieving, and she bites the inside of her cheek until it hurts, her face going blank and her body turning numb.

she doesn't text you. she doesn't trust herself not to say something too raw.

you don't text her. don't even tell her you're going home for christmas. in some ways, maybe you were trying to spare her from your... drought or whatever, and in other ways, maybe you just didn't face whatever's happening between the two of you.

the air feels colder inside your childhood house than it does outside. your parents speak like strangers, and your sister doesn't make a single noise, which is worse than any argument, any slammed door, any raised voices.

livi's curled up in the armchair with a blanket pulled to her chin, her eyes on the tv but not really watching. an old christmas movie plays in the background. mom sits by the fireplace, flipping through an issue of her latest obsession—an art magazine—and dad is making a cup of coffee, his movements mechanical.

the clock ticks. no one looks at each other.

"when are we going to open presents?"

livi finally speaks up. her eyes flicker toward yours, and you realize this is the first thing she's said directly to you all morning.

dad sets his mug on the counter. "i'm not sure."

mom frowns. "we're supposed to wait."

livi shoots her a look. "wait for who, the queen?"

"livia," your mom sighs, the same way she always does. "please."

livi's silent again.

"maybe we can do it later," your dad says, after a long, tense pause.

mom doesn't seem happy about it, but she doesn't fight, and livi seems to be satisfied enough, so the silence resumes, and you feel like you could die.

later, as you walk upstairs, someone's hand wraps around your wrist. you turn. livi.

"can we talk?"

"is this an intervention, or—?"

she gives you a flat stare. "very funny," she mutters, before walking into her room and expecting you to follow.

you hesitate, before shutting the door behind you, a bit nervously.

she's still for a few moments. the wind howls. and then she's spinning on her heel, looking right at you, her jaw clenched.

"what's wrong?" she demands.

"i could ask you the same thing."

"something's bothering you. tell me."

"it's not a big deal."

"don't."

your expression tightens. "livi," you mutter.

"this is exactly what you did last time," she continues, her voice hard. "last year. i saw how sad you were, how distant you were. like something was eating away at you, and no matter how much i asked, or tried to get close to you, or call you it wasn't enough. i saw it. i didn't understand. but now you're doing the same thing."

you swallow, not responding.

"you've been quiet and... distant. ever since you got here, you've barely looked at anyone, not even me, and it's the same. i can tell."

you stare down at the floor, jaw working. "i'm okay," you say, softly, weakly.

"tell me why. now. is it the money? mom and dad's marriage?"

"no."

"then what."

you take a slow, deep inhale.

"if you're not ready or scared, i'll wait until you are," livi adds, voice a bit quieter. "just..."

she trails off, a frown pulling at her lips.

"whatever it is, i want to help. i know you want to be the strong one. always. and you are. for me. for your friends. but not for yourself."

you breathe, closing your eyes, and after a beat, you murmur, "when did you get so smart?"

livi doesn't smile. just crosses the space between you, arms wrapping around your middle, a gentle, warm touch. you exhale and hold her.

"i've always been smart, jerk. you're the one that was distracted."

you rest your cheek against the top of her head and whisper, "i'm sorry."

later, in the kitchen, your mom wipes the counter with too much effort. she's been moving things around that don't need to be moved, cleaning already clean surfaces.

"i'm making the roast tomorrow," she says, almost to herself. "the one your dad likes."

you lean against the doorway, arms crossed. "he won't eat it anyway."

she glances at you, sharp. "don't start."

you shrug. "just saying."

she sighs through her nose. "you could help, you know. do something while you're here instead of sulking."

"i've been home twelve hours."

"and already with the attitude."

you grit your teeth. "i'm not trying to fight."

"could've fooled me."

the silence after that is cold. she opens the fridge just to stare inside, not grabbing anything.

she speaks again, quieter. "you know, you used to be different when you came home."

you furrow your brow. "when?"

"before." her voice thins. "you used to smile more. you were easier."

you blink, caught off guard. "easier?"

she shrugs. "to talk to. to understand."

your stomach turns. "i haven't changed, mom. i grew up. people do that, y'know. grow up. get older. that's normal."

her mouth presses into a line.

"is that what you're calling it?" she asks, voice careful. "growing up?"

you don't answer. you don't need to.

she scoffs, just once. then she reaches for a wine glass and pours herself half a cup like it's a reflex.

your voice sounds smaller. more vulnerable.

"mom, can you not? today."

"hm?"

"you know, can't we not talk about me growing up, or whatever, or—"

"it's not easy for us either."

she cuts in. sharp.

"we don't have any answers. we're not perfect parents. it's hard and scary, and you have no idea how frustrating it can be."

"that's not fair," you manage to say. "i'm not a parent, but i'm not a kid anymore either. you can't expect me to pretend everything is fine. because it's not, okay, and maybe the holidays are hard, but that's not my fault. i never said it wasn't. it doesn't mean we have to drink through it every year."

her gaze flashes. "what a stupid thing to say."

you don't argue.

"we're trying, y/n. you should know better than anyone."

you look down at the table. your words sound thick and shaky.

"i do know."

"do you?"

she waits, and when you don't speak, she goes still.

"oh," she murmurs. "i see."

"it's not the same."

"because you've found better people."

"they're not—no, mom, i didn't—"

"it's not an accusation, sweetheart."

you stare at each other, and the air is strange, thick, almost, and neither of you knows what to say. there's a long pause. the fridge hums behind her, the dishwasher ticks in the background, and for once, the house feels loud in the wrong places.

your mother clears her throat. "well," she says. "dinner's at five."

you nod. it's automatic.

she leaves the glass of wine on the counter and disappears down the hallway. a door clicks shut.

and that's that.

you don't cry. you don't yell. you don't slam anything.

you just sit there for a while, hunched at the kitchen table with your hands clasped tight and your jaw locked. you listen to the faint sound of livi's movie still playing, the muffled voices of people pretending to fall in love under fake snow.

eventually, you go upstairs. you pack quietly. fold your things carefully. the morning is quiet when you leave, and no one says goodbye.

⭑𓂃

the flight was long, and by the time you make it back to the apartment, you can hardly stand upright because you're so tired, your vision fuzzy.

jae looks shocked when he finds you standing in the doorway. he blinks twice, then three times, as if not believing you.

"y/n? are you a hallucination?"

"what are you talking about? i was gone for two days."

he narrows his eyes. "didn't think you were coming back," he says, but his expression is lighter now. he glances at your suitcase, then back at your face. "what happened? family emergency?"

you shrug. "something like that."

"was the roast that good?"

you give him a look. he just smirks.

"seriously," jae says, shifting. "are you alright? you were... weird before you left."

you pause. look down. then, very slowly, you nod.

"yeah," you whisper, and he must believe you, or maybe he doesn't, but either way, he's smiling. you give him a closed-mouth smile and duck into your room, and when the door closes behind you, you sag against it, exhaling.

you open her contact. you don't let yourself overthink it this time. you press the call button, and it rings. once. twice.

she answers on the third.

"y/n?"

her voice is quiet, a little hoarse. you wonder if she was asleep. or avoiding you.

you clear your throat. "are you busy?"

a pause.

"no."

you swallow. "can you come over?"

another pause. longer this time.

"i'll be there in twenty."

she doesn't even change out of her sweatpants. doesn't brush her hair. she just grabs a coat—one that still smells faintly like the perfume you always wear.

in her head, the whole drive over, she rehearses, and then dismisses, and then repeats the things she wants to say. she wonders if it would be easier if you weren't here, if she had a week or two, or hell, even a few more hours, to really think it over. but the fact is, she doesn't, and she can't afford to wait or plan or calculate a million different outcomes. not right now, or ever, because life is messy and short, and there aren't enough hours to be careful or self-aware, not in the right ways, anyway.

so when the elevator reaches your floor, she doesn't know what she's walking into. she doesn't even know if you want her there because you miss her or because everything fell apart and you needed someone you could ruin gently.

but she continues to walk towards that door.

because she would go even if you hadn't asked.

you don't open the door right away.

karina lifts her hand to knock a second time, but the lock clicks, and there you are—hoodie sleeves past your hands, eyes rimmed pink.

you're tired. exhausted, really. the type where a part of you thinks you won't get any real sleep, even if you try.

"hi," she whispers.

you hold the door wider.

"come in."

when the door is shut behind her, you move to your room, not speaking.

she doesn't ask any questions.

the door opens, and you disappear inside.

she follows, closing the door and dropping her bag near the doorway, and you're already sitting on your bed, staring at her, waiting.

"you look tired," she says.

you nod. "didn't sleep much."

she fidgets with the drawstring on her hoodie. "me neither."

she takes a breath, trying to decide how she wants to do this—if she should ask first, or dive right in, or even speak at all.

her mouth opens. closes.

you speak first.

"i didn't know who else to call."

karina's eyes soften, her posture relaxing slightly. her words come out slower, less calculated. "i'm glad you did."

you exhale slowly, rubbing your palm over your thigh.

"feels like i've been holding my breath for two weeks straight."

karina swallows.

you glance at her, then away. "i thought maybe i imagined everything. us."

she flinches.

and for a second, you wish you could take it back. but she lifts her chin and looks at you.

"you didn't."

you don't move. just stare at each other, a strange, tense silence falling between the two of you.

it goes on for a while. too long.

until karina moves. slowly, like she's scared, like you might run, or snap, or worse—but she still moves.

she stands in front of you and hesitates only once before taking a seat on the bed.

"it feels like my life is running away from me."

karina frowns, brow furrowing, a bit lost.

you're not going to have enough money for rent this month and your tuition because fuck, because you went home only to be reminded that family doesn't always mean home.

your voice drops lower, and a strange emotion passes over your face, raw, almost.

"i also... i keep... feeling like you are too. and i never got the chance to stop it. because we were so busy, and then there wasn't a good moment, or a time, or anything and—"

"hey," karina interrupts, "what? hey, slow down."

your gaze lifts to hers, and the second you do, she knows exactly what's happening, and it hurts in the best and worst ways possible.

"talk to me," she whispers, taking your hand and squeezing it lightly. "tell me."

you swallow.

"you're a fucking star, y'know. like, literally, not figuratively. and i can't get to you."

she frowns.

"you're so far out of my orbit, and it's selfish and dumb, and i'm sorry, and—"

"hey, hey," she murmurs, scooting closer, cupping the side of your neck. you inhale shakily, and she shakes her head.

"don't."

"don't what?"

"don't say things you're not going to let me reply to."

you fall silent.

"it's okay," she says, "just listen."

she holds your hand in hers, smoothing her thumb across your knuckles.

"there's not a place, not a galaxy, not an entire universe out there that you aren't allowed in." she says it with a kind of steady, desperate conviction, her voice growing a little thicker. you try to swallow around the tightness in your throat, but she keeps talking, and her words come slowly, the way they always do when she's nervous or worried.

"i wanted to come earlier. i—i almost got in trouble just trying to leave the dorm tonight. it's been... weird lately."

you blink. "weird how?"

karina hesitates. she lets out a breath, then looks down at your intertwined hands before murmuring, "there's a new dating ban. it's... official. a rule, now since our comeback is happening, and we had meetings about it and the company's being... strict."

your stomach flips.

you're quiet for a long time. too long.

karina rushes to fill the space, her voice rising.

"i didn't want to tell you because i knew—i know—how it sounds. like an excuse, or like i'm choosing something over you, and i'm not. i swear i'm not—"

"rina."

she stops.

you're still calm. still.

not because you don't care. you do—god, you do—but you're too tired to panic. too tired to do the whole dramatic, spiraling thing. you've done it enough the past two weeks.

"you love your job," you say softly. "and you're amazing at it."

she nods, shakily.

"i always knew this might happen," you continue, looking at her. "and i knew it wouldn't be easy."

karina makes a noise, pained.

her eyes brim. you know that look. you know what's coming.

"but i love you," she whispers, her voice cracking on the word. "i love you, and i'm scared. i've never—this is the only time i've ever been scared of love. i didn't even know that was a thing."

you close your eyes.

"rina..."

"no, wait." she leans forward now, pressing her forehead to yours. her hands tremble on your shoulders. "i've never loved anyone like i love you. never. i don't think i can. i think that's it for me. you're it."

you exhale sharply, eyes still shut, like maybe if you don't look at her, you won't fall apart.

"and if i lose you because of some stupid contract, i don't know what i'll do. i don't know how to be okay with that."

your voice is barely above a whisper. "if you leave me today, i'll still be here. i'm not going anywhere."

she nods. swallows. neither of you move, foreheads still touching.

she speaks first.

"y/n."

your hands move to frame her face, tilting her chin up, and her eyelashes flutter.

"can you kiss me, please?"

so you do.

you tilt her chin up and brush a kiss across her lips, and you feel her breathe into it, a sigh that settles over both of you and melts the remaining distance away.

when the kiss breaks, she doesn't move away, staying pressed as close as she can.

"i don't wanna make you wait long. not forever, not even a year or two."

you run a knuckle over her cheekbone. "i'd wait," you say.

she looks down.

"no one's made me feel the way you have," you whisper.

her eyes snap back to yours. "really?"

you smile faintly. "that's pretty cheesy," you point out, but the words sound fragile, almost.

she ignores it.

"is it true?"

you nod.

"yeah."

she reaches for you, arms sliding over your shoulders and wrapping loosely around your neck, her mouth a hairsbreadth from yours. she kisses the corner of your mouth, once, and again, lingering, warm.

you exhale, turning your head slightly so her mouth catches yours, and you're kissing her again.

and karina goes pliant, melting into you.

⭑𓂃

you're sitting on the curb outside the café where you work, half a sandwich in hand, picking the crust off even though you're hungry. it's just past 3 p.m., and it's quite hot outside for springtime.

"that you?" jae's voice calls out.

you don't even turn your head. "who else would it be? my evil twin sister? i thought she was supposed to visit next week, but maybe i was mistaken—"

"god, i get it." he sighs dramatically. you finally glance over and watch him cross the street without looking because he's an idiot with his backpack hanging off one shoulder. he looks sweaty, a bit flushed from the heat, hair sticking to his forehead.

you try not to cringe.

he joins you on the curb, pulling his water bottle out, taking a huge swig. when he lowers it, a bit of droplets stick to the corner of his mouth. gross.

jae swallows and then glances at your hand.

he grimaces. "that's not the healthiest choice for lunch."

"don't start. the fridge is empty."

he rolls his eyes. "why's that any surprise."

"bitch, can i eat in peace?" he laughs, and you fight a smile.

the sun beats down a bit, the two of you quiet, before his gaze moves toward the parking lot and he speaks.

it's been a long week. month. year. you're not even sure anymore. but it's been quieter lately. still hard sometimes, still weird, but manageable. like you're finally catching your breath after forgetting how to breathe.

he nudges your side gently, bringing you back.

"how was the morning shift?"

you shrug. "long, mostly. not busy enough."

he snorts.

"you used to complain that it was too busy... so now i'm just a little confused."

"mmm... well. now, it's annoying, because i'm bored."

"you're a weird one."

"i know," you sigh.

you look down at your knees, jeans faded and soft from overuse.

"my parents finalized the divorce," you say. "like, last week."

jae looks at you, but doesn't interrupt.

"i didn't even feel anything when they told me," you continue, voice low. "it was just like—okay. cool. we're done pretending."

"i'm sorry."

you nod once. "i think i used to believe that people would stay together for the sake of the family. their kids. their kid. it was easier to pretend than to tell the truth. and that sucks. the lies were kinder than the real thing."

you lean back, palms against the sidewalk. "we can't control other people."

you feel the weight of his stare.

"i'm just glad that's over."

he doesn't say anything after that. just bumps his shoulder against yours.

"you still thinking about acting?" he asks after a moment.

you blink. "sometimes."

"i think you should."

you scoff. "you think i should audition for those weird web dramas with twelve views and a fake sponsor?"

"nah," he says. "i think you should actually do something with it. you've got that thing."

you arch a brow. "what thing?"

"the sad, haunted vibe. directors love that."

you laugh—like, really laugh—for the first time that day. "you're an asshole."

"but i'm right," he smirks. "you've always wanted this. don't act like you haven't been quietly posting monologue tests on your finsta again."

you squint. "how do you know about that?"

"i have spies."

you roll your eyes, smiling, before muttering, "it feels a bit dumb. chasing something like this. there are more stable, reasonable things to chase, and most people wouldn't just jump ship and follow a stupid dream."

"and that's exactly why you should do it," he replies, shrugging. "do what scares you."

your stomach does an odd little flip. you look down at your feet. "when did you get all wise and shit."

"im not actually a bimbo, you know," he mutters.

"oh, trust me, i'm aware. it's just... nice. the way you're good at putting things. makes you a great guy."

"you're sweet," he drawls sarcastically. you grin, leaning back. the sun feels good on your face, warm and light and soothing, and the air isn't heavy, doesn't feel tight.

he stands up after a bit and stretches. "you walking home?"

"yeah."

"i'll come with," he says. "i need to get some chips anyway."

you both end up walking in silence for a bit, until you stop outside the gs25.

"i'll just be a second," you say, slipping inside and heading straight for the atm in the corner. another semester another payment.

it's second nature when you insert your card, type your id, curse at the tuition balance, and pay what you can. but today's different. you punch in your info. the screen loads. and then—

₩0 krw

you stare. you check the number again. blink a few times. hit refresh. same thing. ₩0 krw. "what the..."

you back out of the page. re-enter your info. nothing changes.

you look around like someone's gonna explain it. the cashier's talking on the phone about some anime. no help there. you hit the button to print a receipt. hold it in your hand. ₩0 krw

you walk outside, clutching the slip like it's about to start burning in your hand. "yo," jae says, tossing his empty water bottle in the air. "you good?"

you blink at him. "i think—" you hold up the receipt. "the machine's broken."

"why?"

"it says my tuition's zero."

"isn't that a good thing?"

"no—it's not right. i didn't pay it yet."

he frowns. "like, not even a partial thing?"

"nothing. it's cleared."

jae tilts his head. "maybe check on your laptop when you get home?"

you nod slowly. "yeah. yeah."

the rest of the walk is weird. your fingers are still gripping the paper like it might start making sense if you fold it enough times.

when you get inside, sora's on the floor doing her nails. she glances up at the door closing, then back to you. "helloooooooo."

"hi," you croak, not even registering her tone, not looking her in the eye as you kick off your shoes. she raises a brow, noticing the strange shift, and continues to paint her nails.

"uh-oh."

"huh?"

"are you still mad i finished death note without you?"

"not today, sora, not today."

she puts her brush down and leans back, stretching her legs out. "oh my god, are you dying or something? or, oh! you found out the bakery stopped making the blueberry muffins you love. is that it? is the world coming to an end?"

you take a slow, deep breath.

"my tuition's paid."

her lips curl into a confused smile. "that's a good thing, no?"

you think out your lips. "no. yes. i don't know. i'll be right back." you mumble, heading straight for your room.

"weirdo!"

you open the student portal, enter your password, and wait, chewing the inside of your cheek.

same result.

tuition paid. balance: ₩0 krw. you stare at the screen for a long, long time. then you call the finance office. miraculously, someone picks up. "hi—i just... i'm seeing something strange on my account? i was going to pay my tuition today, but it says my balance is zero. i haven't made any recent payments, so i'm wondering if it's a system error—"

"can i get your student id?" the woman asks.

you give it.

there's typing on the other end.

"it says here your account was settled earlier this week. monday."

"settled... like paid?"

"yes. full amount."

you press the phone tighter against your ear. "by who?"

"the payment was made via direct transfer."

"so—was there a name?"

more typing.

"no name listed. it was submitted anonymously."

anonymous.

funny how unanimous that action is.

"is everything okay?" jae asks from the doorway.

you glance back at the screen, where the total's still the same. ₩0 krw.

you haven't touched it since, just left it open because maybe if you didn't believe it, it'd change. but it hasn't, and now you're sitting with the receipt you printed, trying to wrap your brain around it.

"i don't know what i'm gonna do," you manage, eyes burning.

jae sits on the bed next to you and offers you his palm. you place the slip in it.

he studies it. then the screen. then looks over at you.

"have you thanked your mom for this, yet?"

your expression shutters. "it wasn't her."

"how are you so sure?"

you meet his eyes, steady, even though your hands are trembling a bit. "i would've known if it was."

he pauses, seeming to recognize that, then looks back to the screen.

"okay, so, we don't know who it was, then. but... does it matter, y/n? isn't it good, or something? that you don't owe anything?"

your stomach knots, but you swallow and nod.

"i guess."

jae nudges your knee.

"you know who it is?"

"it was karina."

it's the only option that makes sense. you'd mentioned to her the struggle once or twice, in passing. nothing detailed. but it had always been the most likely choice.

she knew.

knew what your family was like, where your headspace was. and somehow, through it all, through her own life falling apart, through a dating ban that would leave both of you raw, bleeding, she had remembered and done the one thing that was easy and hard and messy and clean all at the same time.

the two of you haven't spoken in five months. not since christmas, when you were the one that was the coward, who told yourself it was easier, that the distance would heal whatever wounds you didn't want to touch, or see, or even acknowledge.

and the truth is, it hasn't. the truth is, the cuts and bruises are still there, still fresh, and they still hurt.

they've gotten easier, sure. better. the pain lessened.

but there's still a hole in you. not a huge one. just a spot where she used to be. a spot no one else can reach or fill.

and a part of you hates her for that. and another part is still a little in love with her.

"well," he murmurs.

"well," you echo, eyes drifting back toward the laptop, the numbers.

"are you gonna text her?"

"why would i."

"to say thanks? or sorry. or whatever else."

"i...can't."

"why?"

your jaw works. you look down. "because," you sigh. "i just can't."

"you're acting like a baby."

he says it like he's tired for you. like he's been watching you circle the same block of grief for months, slowing only to pretend you're fine before picking up speed again. like he's held the door open all winter, and you're the one refusing to walk through.

you press your knuckles to your eyes. "i'm not ready."

he shifts beside you.

"her comeback's not over," you admit after a beat, voice quiet. "the dating ban's still in place. and i—"

you exhale, shaky. "i don't think i could handle it, jae. seeing her, but not having her. talking, but only through windows. being careful all the time. like—like i'd be setting myself on fire just to sit next to her again."

his expression softens.

he knows you mean that, in every sense.

"you're the strongest person i've ever met, y/n."

you breathe out a laugh.

"i'm serious," jae says. "what you're doing is really brave."

"running away?"

"facing reality."

you take a moment. think, for once. "sometimes, i wonder," you say, the words coming slowly, hesitantly. "if... i'm really making the right choice. is this fair, y'know, for either of us?"

"you're not hurting anyone."

you look down at the sheets. "but am i hurting her."

"she chose her job. and you chose to move on. no one's fault. no one's mistake."

you bite your lip. a long silence. the fan spins overhead, quiet.

your voice is the first to return, hoarse."y ou think i'll ever stop loving her?"

jae doesn't answer right away. you don't look at him.

but eventually, he says, just above a whisper,

"i think you were meant to."

you let out a soft laugh, then a sniff follows behind, and for the first time in months, you let yourself cry.

main masterlist. part one. part two.

[luvlyycy]

okay so

one night youve decided to take phainon to go out drinking - it was a rough week, you need to relax and you want to see your favourite neighbour drunk since you never saw him drink anything stronger than a beer. little did you know he has high tolerance and does not enjoy drinking because of that, but he tags along anyway because its you and because alcohol is involved

predictably enough, you get drunk pretty fast and way too easy. youre slurring on your words and giggle at everything, which phainon finds kind of adorable but enough is enough, so he calls a taxi to get you both home. in the car you fall asleep on top of him and he feels blessed because of this small moment of trust even from your drunken self

now, the fun part is that..... youve lost your keys and dont have spare ones. phainon, being a good friend and neighbour he is, lets you in his house and even lays you down in his bed(he admires your soft sleepy form for like good 5 minutes, letting himself think about this being his everyday view) and goes to sleep on a couch. but drunk people are restless, so just like that you wake up 20 or so minutes later, in the middle of the night, still intoxicated. you look around and note that this is not your room - not your color, not your stuff, not your scent... but you know whos scent that is. so, being convinced by your foggy drunk mind that this all is a dream, you go downstairs, looking for phainon. and you find him

he lays half asleep, not being aware of your presence yet. and then he feels a weight on him, warm weight. he wakes up to see you sitting on top of him, cheeks a bit flush and smiling. "youre not asleep" you purr softly, voice still not steady or sober enough. your fingers pressing a bit on, drawing figures on his chest. this alone shoots blood right to his face and then dick. this is not right, he thinks, youre drunk. he may be down bad(he is) and want you carnally(he does) but he is not a freak to take advantage on a drunk girl. so, as you try to take off your shirt, your ass twitching on his crotch, phainon grabs your hands and tries to stop you, tries to soothe you. but youre still twitching, drunk and horny, so everything he does to stop you you turn around and do something more stupid and provoking

poor baby fights with you and his raging boner

at some point you make him grab your boobs and he just hisses in both delight and frustrarion. it takes all his sanity to not just take you back up in his bed, rip off your and his clothes and rawdog you untill you pass out, so he does something he will thank himself later for - he rolls you into a blanket burrito

you huff and whine and call him a "bad boy", but he tries to not listen to that - it sure hurts his poor heart and rock hard dick, but youre drunk and not thinking straight. in the morning, you lay awake not remembering anything from that night. but you do smell him on his pillows and you see how phainons face flushes when you go downstairs asking "yo man what happened that night"

he doesn't tell you anything. he helps you with your lock and makes a new key, and a spare one for him only to get your drunk ass back at your place - he is not willing to try this again

and he later jerks off to that yea. pictures of you in his bed. pictures you taking your shirt off. softness of your breasts. your soft purring voice. your warm gentle weight. how your eyes gleam in dark. he groans loudly as his dick is basically flooding his hand with precum and he thinks that he NEEDS to confess to you already

AAGGGHHH THIS IS SO FREAKING GOOOODDDDD. may i say he uses the specific blanket he wrapped you in to rub against his dick as he jacks off afterwards, squeezing onto his pillows because its the only thing he has in his house that feels soft enough to mimic your boobss.... THIS IS SUCH A NEED SUCH A NEED IM GONNNAAA DIIEEEE

[bealittlesblog]

《Mental growth》✨🧩🧠

- I feel like this deserved a separate post and it adds onto the previous one I made btw -

Therapy was semi rough and I held back alot of tears 😔 but it was very needed for the most part we did touch on body image issues and connecting the dots but theres a few things I wanted to highlight.

- discussing tokophobia - my therapist understood my fears and why I may feel resentful about my childhood being taken away from me still. If my brother does have more children I will be happy for him from afar, I dont want to get attached to a child I may never see. I'm an aunt by proxy, I have no connection with his children at all but I stil love them ofc! It's all too much. I need to be freed from the guilt. Maybe that's why my mother relies on me to have children cus she'll be closer to mines? Welp keep on waiting. 😕

- interruption - yes mid session my stepdad wanted to teach me how to make noodles for my brother the way he liked it, I should've said I'm in meeting rn but next time..I usually get hard on myself whenever I feel like I don't stand up for myself "enough" the whole thing made me feel overstimulated, then asking me about jobs, suggesting I work at Burger King? Fuck you...I am tired of explaining my mental illnesses to people, I cant handle fast paced environments and social interactions daily. This is my life let me do what I want, I blocked it out and still stood firm on what I wanted to do.

- my mom never teaching me - this was related to the body dysmorphia topic, my mom never sat me down and taught me about my body at all, never comforted me getting my period for the first time, the most painful night of my damn life. My mother isnt that much of a talker but I wish she was a different person, yes I said it. I dont like a mom who lacks in communication, she has all the excuses in the book as to why she is this way but bullcrap whatever wisdom she spews out I will never listen to it because it's too late now I'm an adult and you already taught me with your actions.

After all this I got on the phone with my lovely grandmother 💜 I seriously dont know where I would be without her shes my only way out of this hellhole I call a (mind) she helps me feel validated in so many damn ways! >.< and understands me, I am so lucky to have her.

I so proud of myself for being strong this whole time, as a traumatized child I still crave for an escape sometimes I wanna be rescued by someone and never have to live here and get that happy ending but that's not real life...I have to wait but I just hope with time each day can get easier to manage.🥺

Heres some wisdom from my grandmom :

"There are going to be days in life when you'll have to cry, but remember cry and go on with your life never ever give up!"

"It doesn't matter if they dont understand, you will not be working there. This is your life only you understand. "

Always remember that!~♡

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♡ Mooties ♡ - @l1lprincessti @stardewkiddo @sodaslittleplace @sweetsugarpuff @furyyroads @tearyeyedsealpup @punzie-nini @livvylittle @sleepybby00 @rosiestunicorn @pyjamadbananas @mx-owls-crew @cloudy-sky21 @kittylovez @angelcakez @sweet-sunny-bunny-13 @lil-crybunny @wisdmqueen @pinknerdyprincess1214 @flutterrose @littollamby @locketkitty !!! And everyone else !! 🫂🫂🫂🫂

[laura1633]

my notes from the 2021 season:

- still mad about silverstone

- i agree that the ruling for the unlapped cars was weird, but, as a newer fan, i liked the excitement tbh

- plus, i liked that redbull was making risky calls, while mercedes was being too conservative. they may have lost track position by pitting, but they consistently had better pace so why not take the risk and give him better tires?

- in general the rules seemed to kinda go out the window throughout the season so tbh it was fitting for the end of the season to have some kind of strange call

- ppl keep calling max entitled bc he "felt entitled to the win" but like. sorry i dont see it. he worked hard, they both did, but its a team sport that more or less gets decided by the gods (stewards) and there were calls for and against both mercedes and redbull all season long

- ppl need to not be baffled that max wouldnt change a thing about silverstone

- i agree that lewis lost the championship in baku

- i think pressure was getting to max at the end of the season, and having a genuinely slower car just compounded it, but ppl were NOT giving him enough grace for being TWENTY FOUR. (Lewis is over a DECADE older than him. and 7 championships. of course he is going to have more poise and grace 😭)

- complaining to the refs/stewards/umps is part of sports. its how it will be to the end of time. but it will never not be funny to hear toto crying to masi at the end of abu dhabi

- i do think having some more transparency w the stewards would be good (idk if theyve made strides w this since 2021 or not)

- im used to watching hockey so like. idk i want more collisions lol

- i clearly have a bias against hamilton bc it always annoys me when he compliments the fans before answering his first question post race 😅 it's like when a singer/band says "this is the best city we've ever played in" at every single concert on their tour 😂 (i know its not the same, esp with covid, but it still annoyed me lmfao)

- I'm so excited to start 2022 👀👀👀

(sorry this got rlly long lol)

I always feel like someone is going to come and shout at me in my inbox whenever I talk about 2021 lol but I'll answer below the cut because my answer is also long!

I can’t watch Silverstone again, I just can’t and I know Max was okay in the longer term but it’s too big an impact for me to want to see it again. 

The unlapped cars thing I think came about because all the stakeholds in F1 like the teams and the broadcasters etc made it clear before hand that they very much wanted the race to end under racing conditions and not behind a safety car provided it was safe to do so. I think it was such a huge decision to make  in the moment and would have probably had people going crazy whichever way it went. I guess he could have red flagged it and had a standing start for the last few laps but even that wouldn’t really have been strictly what red flags are for. But it absolutely wasn’t the only questionable call that year, in fact I don’t even think it was the only questionable call that race. Its why when people want the decision in Abu Dhabi reversed I just think if you do that then you should go through every single other call that year then and see if they were correct, its impossible.

Whether things have improved or not well we still see so much inconsistency and confusion now. Sometimes it feels like they are making it up as they go along!! The amount of money in F1 I do wish they would invest in at least trying to get the decisions to be more consistent. 

Mercedes were definitely conservative but it would have been a really brave call to give up track position because I am assuming they were thinking that if they pitted then Red Bull wouldn’t and then if it ended under safety car they would have just thrown the win away. Tricky for sure, definitely in hindsight they should have pitted because even if Max stayed out LH had the faster car and would have had fresher tyres but if they pitted and Red Bull didn’t and it did end under a safety car we would all be calling them idiots lol! 

Oh thats really odd because I’ve not actually seen anyone say Max ‘felt entitled to win’ that’s a new one for me! 

Crazy to me that people would ask Max whether he would do anything at Silverstone differently when he wasn’t at fault. It reminds me of the line of questioning last year when they were basically asking why Max wouldn’t just let LN past. Sometimes he gets asked some stupid questions.

Baku, oh god yeah Max was so unlucky there. He really did have a lot of bad luck that season and lost a lot of points through no fault of his own! Yep Baku was definitely a key moment for LH.

Yeah Max was still so young really and under immense pressure towards the end of the season but I actually thought he handled it well and kept his cool all things considered. He got frustrated in Saudi but honestly I thought he was calmer than I would have been because I would have lost my absolute shit at that race haha 

A very stressful season at the time but it was good to see two drivers properly giving their all every single race. 

2022 is lots of fun, some great Lestappen action at various points in the season so hopefully you will enjoy.