#and was hit with the two-by-four of reality today about my own Delusions and such repeatedly over the head. over and over and over LOLLLL ! | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

maddiwrites · 4 years ago

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Let Me Go

Pairing: JJ x Reader

Summary: This was requested! Y/N still lives with the Cameron’s following the death of her brother, but she’s being held there against her will. After many failed escape attempts, Y/N finally gets out of Figure Eight, but she’s far from safe. (The request was long so I’m going to link it here so you can see the full summary of what anon wanted!)

Note: I’m sorry this took so long to get out!!! I literally had half of it written and then it all deleted and I’m so upset because my first attempt at writing it was better but oh well. I hope you like it. Again, sorry for the long wait!

Word Count: 3.8k

Warnings: MENTIONS OF DRUG ABUSE, CHILD NEGLECT, GUN VIOLENCE, ATTEMPTED SUICIDE. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF ANY OF THESE TOPICS TRIGGER YOU. PLEASE. SUICIDE HOTLINE: 800-273-8255

Masterlist

You weren’t always like this - sitting up in your unmade bed, staring at the blank wall in front of you like you could see through it, unshowered, trembling from your shoulders down to your toes, feeling empty from the inside out.

You forget what it’s like to be free. Following the death of your brother, you’ve been trapped like a rat in a cage. Figure Eight is no longer the luxurious part of the island to you. It’s filled with lies, manipulation, secrets, murder.

You’re still living at the Cameron’s. No, not living. Surviving. Ward refused to give his guardianship of you up. Some people wondered why - why would Ward want to live with the sister of a murderer? Yeah, that’s what they thought - that your brother killed Sheriff Peterkin and tried to kill Ward too. But you knew why.

Ward no longer treats you like a member of his family. He has you locked in your designated room on the third floor that’s basically only used as an attic and storage area. Your own personal prison. Because you know what he did - not only to your brother and his daughter but to your dad.

You felt like you were losing grasps of reality. You only knew fall was approaching because you could hear Wheezy talking about it to Rose outside your door. You guess the time of day by the sunlight through your window and the meals brought to your room.

Of course there have been times you tried to escape. You managed to run away a few times. The first time, you went straight to the police station and tried telling them that Ward was keeping you trapped in his home. Of course they didn’t believe you. Instead, they called Ward to come pick you up. He told the police that you’ve been experiencing delusions since the death of your brother. Without a second thought, they believed him and ignored your cries for help completely. The second time, you tried going to Kie’s, but the police found you first and brought you back to Ward’s now that they think you’re going through some kind of mental breakdown.

By now, you’re exhausted. You’re tired of fighting and arguing and screaming. You feel empty inside, craving some sort of release or embrace of comfort. You haven’t seen your Pogues in weeks, maybe months. You wonder if they still think about you. Do they blame you for leaving John B to go off by himself with Sarah? Do they hate you?

Not only is living inside an enclosed box hard enough, but dealing with the loss of your brother, friend, and father, is killing you inside. You can’t help but feel guilty that you weren’t with them. You and your brother were supposed to be partners in crime and you totally let him go off on his own. You feel like you abandoned him and that keeps you up at night.

Since your ways of coping are limited, you’re not proud to say you found an unhealthy way of relieving your pain.

When you were first locked up, you would scream and kick the door that hid you from the rest of the world, begging for anyone in the house to let you go. Never did it work, but one time Rafe got extremely fed up and raced upstairs to make you shut up. You didn’t know it, but Rafe was on the verge of a breakdown himself. His dad complete shut him out as he tried to fix the damage he caused. He assumed Sarah was dead. And Barry basically owned him, making him do all his dirty work. Maybe he deserved it, but he didn’t live a luxurious life either despite living in Figure Eight.

You took a couple steps back when you heard heavy footsteps approaching your door. Rafe quickly undid the locks and barged in so fast that he almost knocked you down.

“Oh my god. Do you ever shut the fuck up?” Rafe was breathing hard and quickly getting red in the face. You stumbled backwards, suddenly afraid of being alone with him.

You sniffled. “I need to get out of here.”

“You’re not leaving.”

“Please, Rafe. You got to get me out of here. Please!” You never thought you’d be here, begging Rafe of all people for help. Yet here you were. With no other choices left.

Rafe paced the room and raked his fingers through his hair. “You do realize you're not the only one going through something, right?”

You swallowed back your tears and scoffed at the Kook in front of you. “Seriously? Your family is keeping me locked in here like some kind of zoo animal! My brother is dead -”

“Sarah is too!”

“But that’s not my fault!” You screamed. You pointed an accusatory finger in his direction. “That’s yours!” Rafe froze and turned to look at you. You didn’t know where you grew the balls to keep going but you did. “I know what you did. I know what your dad is trying to cover up. And he’s using my brother to do it.” You saw Rafe’s adam’s apple bob up and down as he swallowed. “Why do you think your dad is keeping me locked in here?”

“Shit,” Rafe cursed. Now he knew why his dad gave him strict instructions to never come up to your room. He started shaking his his head and shaking in his skin. “I didn’t mean to - I - I - it happened so fast.”

You could go on and on about how Rafe would never be able to dig himself out of this hole. How he will never be able to convince you that he wasn’t guilty. But you didn’t. Because he’s the only one who could help you.

“Rafe, please,” You begged. “I won’t say anything. I just need to get out of here.”

Rafe sniffled back his own tears and fears and looked out the one window that looked out into the backyard of his home. He couldn’t let you go. He knew it was selfish, but he had to save himself.

“I can’t,” Rafe said.

A new wave of tears hit you and you felt defeated. You fell back on your bed and cried into your hands, hunched over above your knees.

“I’m sorry,” Rafe said, but his apology was as empty as you feel.

“Just go,” You rubbed your eyes hard enough to see stars.

You hear something light hit the bed next to you. “I know it’s not much. But this helps me get through all this messed up shit.”

When you didn’t look at him or whatever he gave you, he took that as a hint to leave and quietly left the room. You listened to each lock being fastened again, each one leaving a crack in your heart.

Rafe offered you something you should have never taken. A small baggie filled with fine white powder. You should have never even considered it. Drugs were never your thing. You wouldn’t even smoke with JJ when he offered a hit of whatever he was smoking. But the idea of anything taking your pain away enticed you.

And that’s how you ended up here. Broken, alone, and craving something only Rafe could supply you with. Literally. He came around every so often, sliding a small baggie under the door for you. It was the closest thing you and Rafe had to a friendship.

Today was particularly a bad day. It was dark and rainy outside and you remembered John B’s birthday should be quickly approaching. You missed him. God, did you miss him. You would do anything to hear his voice again or steal his clothes or go surfing in the ocean with him.

You trudged out of bed towards your dresser that held a faint line of coke left over from yesterday. With a one dollar bill, you sniffed the rest of it up your nose and blinked back the sting of tears that pricked your eyes after you did it. A rush of energy sparked up your body, through your toes and up to your head. You immediately felt lighter and that the world was spinning a little faster. But with that rush came a surge of emotions. You went from being sad to being angry real fast.

You hated Ward. You hated Shoupe. You hated this house. You hated Kooks. You hated yourself. You hated everything about the Outer banks. You just wanted to leave.

You find the closest thing to you, a small makeup mirror, and smash it against one of the locks on the door. You’ve done this hundreds of times and by now the door was scratched and bruised from your abuse, but you didn’t care. You didn’t feel the glass of the mirror slice into your skin as you continued to bang it on the metal lock. You didn’t care if Ward and the others heard you throwing another temper tantrum. You just wanted out.

When you felt the lock stumble to the side of the door, you froze in your place. You stared at the broken lock, wondering if this was all a dream or a hallucination from your high. “No fucking way,” You mumbled. You looked down at the door knob and repeated the same movements until the handle completely fell off and clattered to the floor.

You dropped the mirror and stuck two fingers through the hole in the door where the door knob use to be. While holding your breath, you slowly pulled the door open and couldn’t believe when it moved without any hiccup.

You never thought that you would get this far, and now that you were here, you didn’t know what to do. You felt scared. Cautiously, you stuck your head out to make sure no one was in the hallway. When the coast was clear, you tip toed throughout the house, listening to the eery silence that filled it. No one was home.

When you passed Rafe’s room, you stopped. You were out of supply and you needed more. Rafe owed you anyway, you told yourself. So you ransacked his room. Found about four more small baggies and stuffed them in your pocket before leaving.

As you walk through the halls, you pass Ward’s office and paused. It was open and unlocked. Even before all this shit happened, you never remember it being this way. You didn’t know what it was. Maybe it was the adrenaline from another escape attempt or maybe it was the cocaine, but you walked yourself into that office and looked around.

You cursed at all the accomplishments hanging on his wall, the trophies, and expensive relics of random shit. His desk was neat and orderly despite the major crime he was trying to cover up. You sat yourself in his chair, trying to imagine what it felt like to be him. Motherfucker probably felt like a king.

You went through his drawers, thumbing through random files you had no business looking through - most of it work related stuff and banking information. You tucked that one in your pocket for later.

Then you hear something thump against the drawer when you pull it out. A revolver. Small and silver. Cold against your fingertips. You breath hitched as you brought it up to your face. It felt like you were holding a bomb. An object that could change your life forever. Another fresh set of tears threatened to roll down your face but you shook them away. No. No more being sad.

You shut the drawer hard and walked out with a couple new items in your possession.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The Pogues were spending another dreary day at The Wreck. The September sun might be out, but their spirits were down. Two of their best friends are dead and the other is trapped with two murderers. They were scared for you and have tried everything to get you back. They tried talking to the cops, they tried breaking her out. But each times the cops got in the way. They were running out of hope. At this point, they didn’t even know if they would ever see you again. They just hoped you were okay. They knew you tried escaping a few times and prayed that you would eventually get yourself out of there soon.

“JJ, you gotta eat,” Kie sighed as she watched JJ play with the fries in front of him. If anyone was handing it the worst, it was JJ. Both John B and Y/N were his best friends first. Hell, he was in love with Y/N. Had been since the sixth grade. One of his biggest regrets is that he never told you. Now he didn’t know if he ever would.

“’M not hungry,” JJ mumbled.

The door above the restaurant entrance rang as a couple of police officers walked in for their lunch break. The group of three glared at them as they walked in with their cocky stride and their hand resting on their tasers and guns as if everyone should be scared of them.

“Fucking cops can’t do their goddamn job,” JJ sat back in his seat and flicked one of his fries down on the table. He hated them. More than he ever had. He couldn’t believe these people took an oath to protect this county. Fucking cowards, all of them.

“Fucking assholes,” Kie said and watched her father approach them with a friendly smile.

Pope snapped up when an idea popped into his head. “Sarah’s sister.”

“What?” Kie’s brows furrowed.

“School starts next week,” Pope explained. “She’s starting high school, right? What if you tried talking to her? Maybe you can -”

Pope paused when he heard the sound of the police radios echoing off the walls from their belts.

“Code10-92. Runaway teen last reported on Baker’s Street. Proceed with caution. Last seen wearing black sports shorts and a white tank. Suspect may be armed and dangerous.”

JJ’s head snapped back to his friends with his brows pinched together. Could this be you? Could you have made it out again? But what did armed and dangerous mean? That didn’t sound like you.

Shoupe radioed back to the station. “On our way.”

The officers dropped ten dollars in the tip jar before charging out the door to go to their vehicles.

“We gotta go,” JJ stood up first and stuffed his phone and keys into his pocket. The other two nod and follow him out the door. If that call was about you, they wanted to find you before the cops did. “Okay. Kie, go home. She tried going to your house last time. Maybe she’ll try that again. Pope, go to Heyward’s. She trusts your dad. She might try to find him for help.”

“Where are you going to go?” Pope asked.

“Everywhere else.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You trudged through your old home with heavy feet. Nothing in there felt familiar to you - like it belonged to you in another life time. You first went to your room and stared at the girl in the mirror. You didn’t recognize her. Bones sticking out of your skin, dark bags under the eyes, and cracked lips and dry skin.

Without thinking, you took the gun that’s still in your hand and smashed it against the glass, shattering it all around you.

Ignoring the stinging in your hands from the shallow cuts on your skin, you moved on to the next room. Your brother’s room. It looked like a tornado made its way through here. Everything was tossed and turned from the police and FBI ransacking it during their search for John B. Nothing felt like it was John B’s anymore. Nothing felt private. And that pissed you off.

Next you went to your dad’s office, somewhere you haven’t been since you found the compass. Even now, it felt like you weren’t supposed to be in here. If you believed in an afterlife, you would think your dad would be shaking his head at you.

The office looked like John B’s room did. Whatever belonged to your dad now belonged to the state. The only things left were random files and belongings the police didn’t find of importance. But they were important to you.

The first thing you found was a picture in a cracked frame of you, your dad, and your brother from when you were ten. Your dad was holding both of you as you blew out the candles on a birthday cake. Looking at the picture, you felt your heart being shredded apart. The picture only brought back pain and grief. You wanted that happiness back that ten year old you portrayed in that picture. But you can’t have it. Ever again.

A cry ripped through your throat as you chucked the picture across the room. From there, you went on a rampage, throwing and kicking anything that was in your way. You took one of the baggies out of your pocket and dumped it on the desk in front of you. Without any precision, you fixed the lines up with your finger and took a long whiff. You gripped the roots of your hair and tugged as you sobbed loudly and felt one of the biggest headaches explode in your brain.

You paced back and forth in the office with the gun held in your shaky hands. You were mumbling to yourself about your options and how horrible of a sister and daughter you were for leaving your family behind. You wanted to see them. You wanted to be with them and prove to them you never meant to abandon them.

You didn’t hear the door to the Chateau open or the sound of footsteps following your cries. It wasn’t until you heard his soft, delicate voice that you turned around and stared at your best friend with wide eyes and a startled expression.

“Y/N...” JJ breathed out. He didn’t see the gun yet. He just saw you, crying and broken and not looking like the girl he knew only a few months ago.

“What are you doing here?” He didn’t recognize your voice either. Hoarsed and scared. “You’re not supposed to be here!”

“The cops are looking for you! Okay? We need to get you out of here!”

“I’m not leaving!”

“What?” JJ looked at you like you grew two heads. “What are you talking about. We -”

“No! I said I’m not leaving! Agh!” Your hands flew up to your pulsating head and gripped at your hair again. The pounding in your head was excruciating and wouldn’t go away. Between the cocaine, your cries, and the exhaustion, you didn’t think it would ever go away.

That’s when JJ saw the gun and took a shocking step back. His hands immediately flew up in surrender and he gulped down his nerves. Now he knew why the cops had called you armed and dangerous. Probably because Ward reported a stolen gun. JJ never knew you to be a violent person. It wasn’t in you. You couldn’t even hurt a fly. Which meant you didn’t steal this gun to hurt someone else. But probably...

Then his eyes flickered to the desk where he saw the reside of white powder next to an empty baggie. Now he was petrified because he didn’t know how to get through to you - if he even could get through to you.

“Y/N, baby. Put the gun down.”

“No,” You shook you head. “No, no, no. I need to see them. I need to see my dad and John B!”

“Y/n...”

“I should’ve gone with them. I should’ve - I - I didn’t mean to leave. I’m so-sorry, John B. I’m so sorry.” You were a mess. Tears and snot and running all over your red and puffy face.

JJ kept looking between you and the gun. His only comfort was that he knew you didn’t know how to use it. You wouldn’t even touch the one he stole from Scooter Grubs. But that didn’t mean accidents couldn’t happen.

“I can’t do it anymore,” You continued. “I can’t go back there. I won’t. I won’t. I just want to see my dad.”

JJ took a hesitant step closer to you and nodded his head, keeping his hands up. “Okay. Okay. What if I helped you see your dad?”

“H-How?” You hiccuped. JJ didn’t know where he was going with this. He just knew he had to get that gun out of your hand. He took another step closer to you, but this one made you jump back. “No! No! Stay away!”

“Okay, okay!” JJ yelled back at you. “Hey. I’m here to help you, okay? Whatever you want to do.”

“I want to see them. I want to say sorry. I - I’m so sorry.”

“Y/N, they’re not mad at you-”

“I’m sorry, daddy, I -”

With you distracted, JJ took the opportunity to run at you and tackle you to the ground. He ignored the pang in his heart when he heard you cry harder, wondering if he hurt you, but he cared more about keeping you alive. He wrestled the gun out of your hands and quickly emptied the cartridge. He chucked the multiple pieces across the room and wrapped himself around your crumpled body.

“No! No!” You shrieked in JJ’s shoulder and gripped onto his shirt for dear life. “Please! Let me go!”

JJ held on to your crumbling body as you wracked with sobs. Exhaustion quickly took over you as the adrenaline slowly vanished out of your system. Your throat was on fire from all the crying and the screaming. Your chest felt empty and your lungs heavy. All you wanted was to close your eyes and never open them again.

JJ couldn’t hold back his own silent tears as they ran down his cheeks. He hated seeing you like this. And he hated even more that he didn’t know how to help you.

“It’s going to be okay,” He said as he brushed the hair out of your face. He kissed the top of your head with his soft lips and kept mumbling into your head. “You’re going to be okay. I’m never leaving your side again. It’s going to be okay.”

He didn’t know if he was trying to convince you or himself. He jus knew he had to make you believe it.

About ten minutes later, he felt your body relax against his. When he found you fast asleep, he pulled out his phone and texted Kie to pick the two of you up.

Until Kie got there, he stared at the delicate skin on your face with such admiration. Rage bubbled through this veins as the ideas of what you possibly went through in the that hell hole in Figure Eight.

He knew it was going to be a long road to recovery. He knew there was a lot of fixing that needed to be done. But he made a promise that he will never let you out of his sights again. Because today was a close call. And he never wanted you to be that close to death ever again.

#jj maybank fic #jj x reader #jj fic #jj maybank #jj maybank imagines #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank imagine #jj maybank one shot #jj mayback x reader #outer banks imagine #outer banks fic #obx imagine

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lilyofthestyx · 4 years ago

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Fighting for Tomorrow

Chapter Four

Disclaimer: I still haven’t raised enough cash to own AOT, so I... don’t... own... it. For now

Reiner x Fem!Reader, eventual Captain Levi x Fem!Reader, Sasha x Sister!Reader

Word Count: 9.3k!!!

TW: gore/blood/violence/death, adult language/swearing, loss/grief

AN: It is finally time to get into the juicy stuff >:) Or... at least hint towards it lmao. The real juicy stuff happens later BUT it’s still a juicy one today folks!

You can read parts one, two, and three just by tapping the lovely numbers!

I can’t see.

I can’t move.

Move, _________. You have to move.

I try moving my hand. I just want to lift it. Small steps.

It twitches upwards.

Swallowing, I try to open my mouth.

...nothing.

Move, dammit. You have to move.

I can feel myself pushing through the darkness surrounding me. It’s thick and heavy and something is sucking me back down into it. Tendrils wrap around my arms and legs as I push on, dragging me back down.

I have to move. Sasha, Armin, Eren, Mikasa, Reiner- everyone. I need to find them.

Slowly, my tongue lifts and presses up against the back of my lips. They part, sticking together slightly as my tongue pushes through.

“...awake,” I whisper. My eyes peel open. Everything’s blurry and hazy as I stare up at the sky, ceiling, whatever is above me. “Awake.” I say again, firmer and a bit louder.

“_________?”

Footsteps hurry over to me and I feel myself being lifted up. Someone hovers over me. Fingers brush my face, delicate and soft. Blinking slowly, my vision is cleared up.

“Hey there, softie,” I say quietly.

Reiner scoffs, tears pricking the edges of his eyes. I smile softly, letting my eyes slide to the others surrounding me. Connie, Jean, Sasha, Bertholdt, Marco. “Seems… like most… of the gang… is here,” I mutter, sitting up.

“You should take it easy,” Reiner mumbles, rubbing my shoulders. “You lost a lot of blood.”

“I’m alright,” I say gently, running my fingers over the bandages wrapped around my entire torso. My shirt’s gone- cut up to get to my wounds, I’m sure.

“Have you guys seen Armin? Or Eren?” I ask, looking up to them. The group goes silent and rigid. My stomach churns as I look at each of their faces. “...what’s happened?” I ask quietly, my hands shaking at my sides.

“...we’ve only found Armin,” Connie answers, “And he hasn’t said anything.”

“Where is he?” I ask, getting to my feet. The group protests, urging me to sit down. “Where is he?” I ask, more firm with my words as I stand up straight.

Sasha points across the rooftop. Armin’s head is lowered, his fists gripping his hair. I take a step forward and stumble. Reiner catches me before I hit the tiles and I laugh softly. “...for some reason, this reminds me of something,” I mumble as we walk across the roof.

“You scared me,” he says, “They said that you lost too much blood- I thought-”

“I’m here,” I smile. “I’m here and I’m walking and I’m breathing. There’s nothing to worry about right now.”

Reiner nods. “Just… don’t do that again,” he says firmly, “You understand me?”

“Yessir.”

We stop just a few steps away from Armin. I tap Reiner’s forearm- silently telling him I can go on by myself. Slowly, I walk up to Armin. “...Armin.” I call softly, placing my hand on his shoulder.

He looks up at me. Shadows make his eyes look like empty caves, all barren and dark. “..._________,” he whispers. Tears brim in his eyes and his whole body shakes.

“Where’s the rest of your squad, kid?”

The trembling in his body causes the tiles beneath him to clink together. His fists in his hair tighten and I can see his jaw clench. Tears are now pouring down his face- hot and fast. “Armin, are you hurt-”

“Mikasa!”

My eyes turn to the whirring above us and hear footsteps running on the tiles above us. Placing a hand on his shoulder, I smile. “Mikasa’s here. Do you…” I trail off, staring at his eyes.

They’re even wider, filled with fear. Genuine and pure fear.

“Armin, what is wrong?” I ask, kneeling back down in front of him.

“_________! Armin!” Mikasa calls, running to us. “Are you okay?”

“Just a bit of a nasty scratch,” I hum, smiling as I take her into a hug. “But I’m okay.”

Mikasa nods and looks down at Armin. “Armin, are you…?”

Armin starts to choke, heaving every breath like he couldn’t get it in fast enough. I reach out to touch his shoulder but he ducks away, his head snapping up to look us in the eyes. “We… the Cadets of Squad 34… Thomas Wagner, Nick Tius… Millius Zerumiski… Mina Carolina- Eren Yeager! These five carried out their duty and put up a heroic fight!”

“Armin… What are you-” I’m cut off by the look he gives me. I shake my head. “No… No.”

“I… I’m so sorry.”

“No, no,” I shake my head, getting to my feet. “No, no, no, no, no, no, no!” A wail rips out of my lips, branching from the very pit of my stomach and stemming into every vein inside of me. My hands clutch my chest, gripping the bandages wrapped around me.

Tears choke me at the base of my throat, only allowing mangled sobs out. He’s dead. The kid I looked out for, watched over like he was blood- he’s dead and I didn’t stop it. I broke my promise. I lied to Carla.

Dead. Dead. Dead.

My baby brother is dead.

Another scream shreds through me, echoing around the buildings.

And all at once, everything stops- the pain, the screaming, the crying. It just. Stops.

My eyes are fixated on the sky. Cloudy and grey. Unblinkingly, I stare at the sky.

Wake up.

_________.

Wake. Up.

It’s time to wake up.

--.--

My eyes shoot open.

I’m back in my old house in Shiganshina. Something’s cooking in the oven. It smells like some pastry- I can’t put my finger on the exact one. My hands tremble as I stare at them. There’s no scarring, no bruising. Just perfect, smooth skin and long nails- not bitten or torn off from the constant anxiety.

It’s so warm and soft and gentle- like the days before…

Before what? Nothing’s happened. I’m home and the wedding’s tomorrow. The ceremony is planned out just like it has been. I’ll be married and the debt will be paid off. And a few days after that, I have that appointment to go to with Mister Becker and his family.

Something tugs at the very base of my being, urging me to remember something.

What was it?

Something was supposed to happen today... right?

A knock resounds around the kitchen. I freeze, staring at the door. Another knock. Slowly, I get to my feet and open the door. Three kids. My three kids. Mikasa, all tucked away behind her scarf as she gives me a short- still warm but short- hug. Armin, already eagerly shoving a new book into my hands and opening it to his favorite page. And then-

It’s Eren. His black hair is plastered to his face with blood and sweat and dirt. His body shakes and there’s a gaping hole where one of his eyes is supposed to be.

“You let this happen to me,” he says quietly, his eye wide and unblinking.

“I would… I would never let this happen to you,” I whisper, shaking my head.

Eren looks down at himself. My eyes follow his gaze. Red starts to seep into the middle of his shirt, blossoming outwards and growing in intensity. Slowly, Eren looks back up at me.

“Yes,” he says quietly, “you did.”

Without another word, he crumples to the floor in a puddle of his own blood. I scream, running towards him but something shackles itself around my arms and legs- holding me in place. My body thrashes in its hold. One arm manages to tear out and I reach for him. His eye closes as my fingers graze his forearm.

As I’m pulled back I can hear his voice.

“You let this happen.”

--.--

“..._________!” Sasha’s in front of me, gripping me at the shoulders and shaking me. Her eyebrow furrowed, she stares into my eyes with concern. “_________!”

“I… I’m… I’m here,” I whisper, grabbing her wrists. “I can hear you.”

“We’re gonna take back HQ,” she says, helping me to my feet.

Nodding, I follow her to the edge of the roof in silence. Something grabs my wrist and tugs me back. The familiar warmth and solidity of Reiner’s chest almost brings me to my senses.

Almost.

“_________, you’ve lost too much blood for this,” he says, “If you’re going, you’re letting me carry you.”

A smile creeps onto my face as my arms snake around his neck. Lips brushing together, I can feel his gaze- concerned and harsh. “...I love you,” I whisper, pressing my lips to his.

“...but no.”

And I fall.

The wind flutters through my hair, running up my skin. My fingers click the triggers and I’m shot through the clouds. Various clicks and whirs follow after me. Annie, Bertholdt, Jean, Reiner, Sasha, Connie- they swing and arch at my sides.

“Listen, _________-” he says, arching back upwards. “I need t’tell you something.”

I nod in acknowledgment, shifting a bit in my harness as the leather digs into my side slightly.

It’s not a harsh pain, something I can’t take but… It should hurt a lot more than it does. If they weren’t exaggerating the amount of blood I lost, I should be in much more pain than I am. And I shouldn’t even be able to stand- much less walk and use ODM gear.

Adrenaline. That’s what it is. Adrenaline and delusion. Even as I’m physically here, physically present and seeing and hearing and feeling- I can feel myself slipping.

The grip on my controllers is tight but the grip on my reality is faltering.

Rei groans, “This isn’t something I can just say-”

“If you’re going to say something, just say it!” I snap, rolling my body beneath my bandages. I can’t take this cushioning bullshit.

I can see him sigh and take a deep breath in. “_________, listen… I’m the-”

“Titan!” Connie yells. My eyes dart to my left.

“Three meter!” I call out as my eyes land on the smaller Titan weaving through the alleyway. “Avoid it! We don’t have enough gas!”

The group on my left starts to break off into two different directions- even further left and slipping just behind me. “Make sure no one falls behind,” I call, eyes darting to Reiner beside me.

“I’m not leaving you.”

“Reiner, please,” I say just loud enough for him to hear. “I can’t lose anyone else.”

“Then send Jean- or Annie, _________!” He snaps. Frustration is blatant on his face- all trenches in his skin.

“I’m choosing you because I know you’ll make it back to me.”

The trenches leave his face; his eyes soften. Slowly, he nods. “...okay. Just…”

“I know- be safe.”

“And make it back to me.”

“I will… I love you.”

“I love you, too, forest girl.”

--.--

“Brace!” I scream as the wires of my gear launch into either side of the window. Wind whips around me as I curl into myself, waiting to burst through the glass. My body collides with the windowpane- sending shards cutting into the exposed skin around the bandages.

I let out a long huff of breath as I slam against the floor. “Shit…” I mutter, gripping my side. “Shit, shit, shit.”

“_________!” Jean hurries over, helping me to my feet. “You al-”

“Ask me if I’m okay again and I will not hesitate to cut your nose off,” I hiss. My eyes turn to the rest of the windows- all intact. “...are we the-?”

I’m cut off as figures hurl themselves through the windows, shattering glass flying in different directions. Jean and I wrap ourselves around each other to protect each other from the shards. Boots slam against the floorboards as more and more cadets pour inside.

As we pull apart, I give Jean a smile and ruffle his hair. “Thanks, kid.”

“Sure thing, Mom.”

My name is called and I run to its source. Reiner’s arm wrap around me, tucking me into his chest. “You’re okay,” I breathe out as I run my hand up and down his chest. I pull away and look up at him. He’s staring at me with those gorgeous eyes, a small smile on his lips. “You made it back to me,” I whisper, laying my hand against his face and rubbing his cheek with my thumb.

“And you are letting me check your wound,” he says firmly, laying his hand over mine. “That’s an order.”

“I’m higher up than you,” I laugh softly. “Got a whole squad ‘nd everything.”

“I’m going by Top Ten rules,” he teases. Reiner’s hand slides down mine and wraps around my wrist. “Now… Let’s go.”

--.--

We sit in the darkened storage room- away from the prying eyes of the others. Reiner’s hands are soft and gentle as they unwrap the bandages around me. The two of us are silent in waiting. Nervously, I twirl the ring around my finger. It’s covered in blood and I can barely see the glint of the moonstone beneath it but… That’s fixable. I can always clean it.

As the last of the bandage is pulled away, Reiner hands me his jacket. I drape it across my bare chest and wait for his reaction to the wound. “...how is it?” I whisper. The maneuvers I was doing on ODM and bursting through glass should’ve torn it more or something.

Reiner ‘tsk’s his tongue. “...maybe not.”

“‘Maybe not’ what?” I ask, looking slightly over my shoulder. The movement sends a single shock of pain up from the wound. I hiss and go back to facing the wall opposite us.

“I just… I thought something but maybe not,” he mumbles, fingers prodding the sore muscles around my wound.

“What did you think, Rei?” I ask, worriedly spinning my ring around my finger again.

“I thought... maybe it was infected or maybe it was deeper than we thought before.” Reiner says gently, “But it’s not. It’s actually a bit shallow. I think most of the blood we found wasn’t yours.”

“And no signs of infection?” I ask, eyebrows furrowing together.

“No, darling,” he murmurs, pressing his lips to the back of my head. “You’re gonna be okay.”

I instantly relax under his touch. There’s no reason he would lie to me- not about this… not about anything. I know I can trust my bumbling mountain man.

Taking a deep inhale in, I close my eyes and feel his fingers slide up along my spine and back down towards the wound. “...you’ll need to stitch me up,” I murmur as my skin tingles in the wakes of his fingers. “See if you can push the edges of the wound together with some pressure.”

“You’ll need to lay down… Here, hand me your jacket.” I grab the blood-stained jacket off the floor and hand it to him. The fabric rustles around a bit for a moment. “Now, lay back,” Reiner says quietly, one hand snaking up to the base of my neck while the other holds me at the base of my back. A goofy smile plays his lips as he hovers over me. Pink dusts his cheeks as the hand at my back reaches up and brushes hair from my face.

“Hi there, Doctor Braun,” I coo, kissing the inside of his palm.

“My favorite patient,” he hums. “...now, c’mon, let’s get you on your side.”

Slowly, I roll over onto my right side and tuck the jacket beneath my head, crossing my arms over my exposed chest. His hand clamps down on the wound and a jolt of pain runs up my spine. “I can’t get the edges to stay together.”

“And the edges- they’re jagged?”

“...yeah.”

“Stitch me up, Doctor Braun.”

“On it, Miss Braus.” Reiner rustles around through the medpack behind me. His fingers ghost my skin, swiping my hair from my neck before placing a kiss there. “This may sting,” he whispers in my ear before pulling away. I take a deep breath in and feel him pierce the top layer of skin, weaving the jagged ends together.

“Not so bad,” I mumble, wincing only slightly as he strikes a particularly sore area.

“Always was a tough one,” Reiner laughs quietly. “Makes no sense as to why you fell for me.”

“I think it was your way with words,” I hum, remembering that night in the woods. “Or maybe your way with kids.”

Reiner scoffs a laugh. “Really? You? Falling for someone based on how good they are with kids?”

I laugh, “Yeah, I know… What a softie I’ve turned out to be.”

“...I mean… Over half the squad calls you ‘Mom’... and the other half calls you ‘Nurse Kickass’.”

“...you’re joking.”

“Nope.”

“Yes, you are- don’t play with me.”

“Ask Marco when we get back,” he laughs, “I’m telling you- I wouldn’t make that up.”

“Alright, fine, I will… Also, what did you want to tell me earlier? Before I sent you to make sure no one gets left behind?”

Reiner’s hands still against my skin. The air around us goes stale. “I just… I don’t know how to say this.”

I turn to look over my shoulder. His eyes are wide, unblinking- gaze turned down towards the floor. “Hey…” I whisper, pressing a hand to his cheek and smiling gently. “Are you okay?”

Slowly, his eyes peel from the floor. As he looks up at me, I can see the haze of unfamiliarity clouding his eyes. Even his skin flinches under my touch.

“...Reiner, are you okay?”

“W-who…?” His eyebrows furrowing, he places his hands on mine shakily.

“Reiner, please- you’re scaring me,” I mumble, my eyes searching his for any trace of warmth, of recognition, of him.

And then all at once, the haze is gone.

A smile crosses his lips. Reiner leans into my touch, “What’s wrong?”

“You were… You were acting strange…” I mutter, “Are you okay? Did you see something out there?”

Reiner coughs a heartless laugh. “...yeah… It wasn’t pretty… I guess I’m just…”

“Tsk…,” I sigh, “After this, we’re going for a swim in our lake, okay? Just me ‘nd you. We need it and you deserve it.”

Reiner hums in appreciation. “Sounds like a plan, Miss Braus.”

“Good… Now, Doc- can you stitch me up before some idiot stumbles in on me half-naked?”

“I’ll get right on that,” he says as I lay back on my side. “How’re you holding up?”

“...Franz is dead.”

“I heard,” Reiner mumbles as he tugs the needle through my skin. “Was he-”

“Yeah,” I whisper, “Bitten in half.”

“Shit…”

“Hanna- she wouldn’t leave him… she just kept… she kept trying to bring him back with CPR. It was… it was like… it was like she couldn’t accept it. That she wouldn’t, Rei.”

“I’m sorry you had to see that,” he says gently, pressing a kiss to the back of my neck.

Tears slide down my face as I remember the fear in her eyes, the frantic way her hands trembled. “...I left her,” I whisper, twirling the ring around my finger as a desperate attempt to bring me back to reality. “I left her behind and there were Titans coming- Reiner, what if she-”

“You can’t think like that.”

“Reiner, she wanted our help and we just-”

“You survived. There wasn’t another choice... You were low on gas, you were severely wounded, she was trying to bring half a dead body back to life- you couldn’t have done anything.”

I’m silent now as I take a deep breath in.

He’s right. Hanna was gone. There was nothing I could do.

“...all done.”

“Thank you,” I whisper, hand snaking over my waist to entwine with his. “For everything.”

“Of course,” he says quietly.

“I mean it, Rei. For everything.”

“I know, darling,” Reiner chuckles as he kisses my neck again. He lowers his voice as he speaks into my ear. “Now… as much as I love seeing you without a bra on, I’m also waiting for some asshole to walk in here and see what’s mine.”

I laugh and sit up, “Possessive today, aren’t we?”

“I thought you died when you collapsed on the roof- I have a right to be overly protective today.”

--.--

“...it’s… fighting… them?” I ask, eyes flicking between Jean, Armin, and Mikasa. “The Titan…? Is fighting the other… Titans.”

“I know it sounds insane,” Jean blurts, “I didn’t believe them either- but I saw it. It was fighting them.”

“You’re sure it’s not like… territory defense or competing for food?”

Armin shakes his head. “It didn’t have an interest in us at all. It was just focused on fighting-”

“And killing,” Mikasa cuts in.

“And killing… the other Titans.”

I laugh in disbelief, running a hand through my hair. Just when I thought this day couldn’t get any weirder. “Armin, do you think we can… ‘use’ it somehow?”

Armin nods hesitantly, “I don’t think it has an interest in us so… maybe?”

I sigh. “We can discuss that later… More urgent matters, right?” I ask, gesturing to the room of nervous Cadets. “You ready to tell us your plan?”

“It’s not as much a plan as it is an idea-” Armin starts.

“It’s more than anyone else has,” I mutter, “So get going.”

Armin nods once, leading the rest of us to a schematic sprawled out on the stone floor. The rest of us huddle around him- smooshing together to peek over his shoulder. I can hear the others murmuring to each other. Doubts. Concerns. But also awe. Awe in how the small, quiet blond kid from Shiganshina could have a strategy so well thought-out.

As he’s explaining, his soft blue eyes dart to me and to Mikasa for reassurance. And we give it to him. Armin continues- still unsteady but quickly gaining confidence. As he finishes, he runs a hand through his hair. “...we’ll be needing the seven most athletic for this to work.”

My lips part, ready to offer up my services.

I’m cut off. Six speak at once, all the same word. ‘No’.

“You’re wounded,” Mikasa states, gesturing down to the bandages that wrap and cover my torso. “Those bandages won’t allow for much movement, either. It doesn’t matter if you are one of those seven- we need this to be perfect.”

“_________,” Armin says quietly, “I… I wanted you in the lift. Even if you weren’t injured. You’re a great leader. These people trust you.”

A chill runs down my spine. People trust me? With their lives? What have I done to deserve that? Being a Squad Leader- it was more of a title. It didn’t mean much but this? These people don’t have to trust me. They just… do?

“...I… Okay… Okay… I can… I can do that.”

“Are we sure this is the way to go?” Armin asks.

“Time’s running out and no one else has a plan,” Marco mumbles as he looks down at the schematic. “Let’s just suck it up and do it.”

--.--

Breathe in. Look down the sights. Breathe out. Breathe in. Adjust angle. Breathe out.

Footsteps march closer.

Thud.

...Thud.

…...Thud.

Heartbeat or footsteps- can’t tell.

Who cares, just focus.

Breathe in. Adjust and tighten grip. Breathe out. “Steady,” I whisper as the others around me whimper. “Wait for my signal.”

Thud.

...Thud.

Rush of wind.

The Titan looks at us, dead-eyed and not blinking. Its breathing floods into the lift and pushes me back just a bit. Adjusting my stance, I tighten my grip on the gun in my hands. “...steady…” I mumble as the Titan approaches.

The man just below me trembles horribly. The gun rattling around in his quaking hands, he lets out a single whimper. “Steady your gun, soldier,” I snap, “You aren’t the only one that’s terrified.”

The man nods, frantically adjusting his grip as the Titan gets even closer to us. “Marco…” I call softly, not taking my eyes off the Titan in front of me. “...what’s your count?”

I can hear him swallow. “...three.”

Another Titan slides into the corners of my vision. “That’s five…”

“One more here,” Marco says, the shudder evident in his voice.

The Titan in front of me looms closer. Its eyes are fixated on me, staring right into me. Shudders are now running rampant through my skin. Taking a deep breath, I steady my hands as my legs fidget beneath me. The Titan’s eye comes to look up the barrel up at me. The lens of its eye scrapes against my gun.

“Seven,” someone hisses next to me.

Something shifts in the darkness. I risk a quick glance to my left at the shape. The last Titan. “...too far,” I mumble, rolling my shoulder back and staring at the Titan just at the end of my gun. “Wait for it to get closer.”

“_________, the others are-”

“If we miss, we’re all screwed,” I snap, “...wait for my signal.”

More footsteps stumbling closer. “...Freckles,” I whisper, not taking my eyes off the Titans in front of me. “How far off?”

“...gun’s length.”

“Ready…,” my hands tighten around my gun. “Fire!” I scream, pulling the trigger back. All at once, guns explode as a single unit and the lift is jostled. The Titans stagger about, clutching their eyes and groaning in pain. Whirs come from the ceiling- glints of blades in the shadows just behind the Titans.

One by one, the bodies fall.

Except two.

“...Sasha and Connie missed!”

My body kicks up- that jolt from earlier back again. My hands are on the last blades I have and I’m over the lift, jumping out to the Titan in front of me. I can see Sasha stumbling backwards, staring up at the Titan before her. “Sasha, get out of there!” I scream, pulling the blades out of their containers. “Run!”

Landing on the Titan’s neck, I plant my foot on the back of its head and lift the blades above my head. I bring them down, slashing through its nape. The slab of skin slides off the Titan in red ooze. The other Titan falls as well, Annie and Mikasa jumping down from its shoulders.

Something moist branches out from my side- a dull pain stemming from my back.

Shit.

Must have popped some stitches.

The Titan’s body shudders beneath me as it collides with the floor. “Sasha,” I mutter, waving her to me. Eyes wide, she takes hesitant steps towards me. “Today!” I snap, clutching my side as my words create more pain from my wound.

Sasha hurries over. “...I… I… I failed!” she screams, hands flying to her hair and tugging. “I failed in front of everybody!”

“Shh,” I mumble, placing my free hand on her shoulder. “You can’t beat yourself up about it. There’ll be other times to prove yourself.”

“But-!”

“I am begging you to please just… Shut the hell up about this for a second,” I wince, the pain steadily becoming more intense. “Just… help me walk. I need more stitches.”

--.--

“You shouldn’t have done that,” Reiner mutters, stitching up my back again.

“What should I have done, huh?” I ask as I tuck my arms tighter around myself. “Let her die?”

“Annie and Mikasa-”

“She’s my sister. It doesn’t matter who else can help- I’m always going to be there for her.”

“I know and that’s what the problem is!” Reiner hisses, his voice raising slightly. Sighing, he lowers his voice back down to a strained mutter. “You put everyone- especially her- above yourself. It’s going to get you killed.”

“...I just…” I shudder- from the cold or from the realisation, I can’t tell. Tears prick my eyes. I shut them and tuck my body into itself even more. “I’m… I’m so terrified of losing her, Reiner… Of losing any of you. I… I already lost Eren. And Hanna. And Franz. And Carla and Grisha and… I’d do anything to keep anything from happening to you.”

The needle clatters into the medkit. I can hear Reiner sigh behind me. Slowly, his warmth gets closer and he snakes his arms around my body, tucking me into him. “I understand,” he says quietly as his head rests on top of mine. “But just… try. Try to be more careful. I… I don’t know what I’d do without you. What any of us would do without you but… I’d lose my mind without you...”

“I can do that.”

Reiner presses his lips to that spot just under my ear. “Thank you.”

A small smile graces my lips as I turn to look at him. He’s got that shine in his eyes again. All gentle and soft as his hand wipes away the tears on my face. “...there,” Reiner hums, “All better.”

“You’re so soft,” I tease, pressing my lips against his.

“Yeah, yeah,” he huffs a laugh, “Pop another stitch and-”

“You’ll punish me?” I finish, my eyes sliding over to him- half hidden beneath my lashes and lids. A coy smile graces my lips as I look up at him.

Reiner’s face turns bright red. Words fail to stumble out past his lips as they open and close. “U-uh…”

“It’s so easy,” I roll my eyes and reach into the medkit, taking out the roll of bandages. “Hurry up and wrap me up before your brain fizzles out.”

--.--

“Mikasa!” I call, launching up onto the roof beside her. Armin, Reiner, Jean, Annie, and Bertholdt follow me. “What’re you-”

“That Titan…” she mumbles, gesturing to the scene before us. The rampaging Titan from earlier- it’s pinned up against a building, thrashing and roaring as other Titans tear into its stomach. Handfuls of flesh are ripped from its torso, shoved into eager mouths. “If we could’ve unraveled the secrets of that Titan… I thought maybe we might find a way to get out of this situation.”

“I agree,” Reiner states from behind me. “If the bastard gets himself torn to shreds, we’ll never learn a thing... let’s drive the Titans around it away and keep it alive.”

“Are you crazy, Reiner?!” Jean snaps, “We finally have a way to get out of this place and you want to risk it all for a Titan?”

“What if there’s a possibility that Titan becomes our ally?” Annie suggests, her words cold as she stares straight at me.

“‘Ally’?! Are you insane?” Jean scoffs and turns to me. “Tell them, Mo- _________! They’re insane!”

I swallow, eyebrows drawn together as I look from the Titan to Reiner. “I… I dunno about this, Rei. It’s… It’s a Titan. Whether or not it’ll attack us is still up in the air.”

“Think about it,” Annie continues, her eyes still on me with a somehow even greater focus. “Wouldn’t that be a more powerful weapon than any cannon we have?” She tilts her head to the Titan as it tries to shove one of the others off of itself.

“...it did manage to fight off more than a few on its own,” I mumble, “Maybe…” I stop and groan, running a hand through my hair. “Maybe we can-”

The Titan roars. The ground beneath us quakes as it pushes through the others eating away at its stomach, running for another Titan walking just in front of HQ. The Titan’s arms are ripped from its body as it continues charging. Its maw opens and, with another loud roar, the rampaging Titan sinks its teeth into the other’s neck.

We all watch in stunned silence as it flips the Titan back and forth, shaking it until the neck rips and the body is flung down the street. It’s like… A wolf breaking its prey’s neck. Deliberate and precise. Not an accident.

Murder.

“...I guess not,” I mumble, watching as the Titan stands up straight and lets out another roar.

“Save it, my ass,” Jean says, chuckling breathlessly.

“Do you think-”

I’m cut off as the Titan falls to the floor. After the collision, it stays still. Not breathing. Not moving. Nothing.

“...guess it doesn’t have anything left,” Jean says, walking to the other side of the roof. “C’mon… haven’t you seen enough?”

I peel my eyes away, starting to turn when Mikasa’s hand shoots out and grabs my arm. I turn to face her. Her eyes are stuck on the Titan, mouth open slightly. “What’s wrong?” I ask, turning back towards the Titan.

And I see it.

In the smoke. The nape of the Titan’s neck. Something stirs in the skin before bursting through. The muscle and bones are quickly evaporating, disappearing around it.

Around him.

--.--

“I just…” I mumble, staring at the plate of untouched bread in front of me. “I don’t understand…”

“He’s still Eren,” Annie states. “Does any of this change that?”

“I guess not?” I groan, running hands through my hair and letting my head hit the table. “I dunno…”

“It’s Eren,” she presses. “The same kid you protect like he’s your kid. You just gonna give that up because he’s a Titan?”

I go quiet. She’s not wrong- even if he is a Titan, he’s still Eren. He’s the same little boy I’ve been looking after. It’s just…

Titans- they’re destructive and ugly and filthy- abominations. How could Eren be like… them? Hunger-crazed, carnivorous beasts that steal and destroy and murder so many of our comrades, so many of our families? And now Eren is one of them? He’s just…

“...I don’t. Know.” I mumble, staring up at Annie. Her eyes are still as they focus on me. I can tell she wants an explanation.

Sighing, I sit back up. “Look... Our whole lives we’ve been taught to hate Titans... Shiganshina and Wall Maria? They taught us to fear them. The last three years, we’ve been taught to fight them… It’s a little hard to come to terms with the fact that my kid is the very thing I was told to fear and to fight.”

Reiner’s hand slides to rest on my lower back. “And no one is expecting you to leave that behind. Annie’s just… feelin’ ya out.”

I nod, giving her a small smile. The corner of her lips curve upwards in return. Turning to Reiner, I press my lips to his cheek. “I should… I should go check on my sister…” I whisper.

Reiner nods and lets me get up. A throbbing pain starts to resound through my head. Another stress headache. Fantastic. My fingers rub circles in my temple as I walk to where Sasha sits.

“...hey…” I say quietly, sitting down beside her. “How ya feelin’?”

Sasha only groans in response. Her hands are clutching her stomach, her face pale. She looks like shit.

And so I tell her.

“You look like shit,” I scoff, “You need’a take one?”

Sasha’s eyes flick over to me as I smirk, staring out at the street. She lets out a breath and nudges me. “...shut up…”

“I’m serious! If you need t’go, go. No judgement here.”

“You’re bein’ gross.”

“I was a doctor’s assistant,” I laugh, “Gross was normal for me.”

The two of us laugh quietly before it quickly dies down into concerned silence. “...but seriously,” I mumble, turning to look at her, “Are you okay?”

She can’t even look at me. Her whole body trembles. Sasha’s eyes brim up with tears and her jaw clenches as she lurches forward. “I… I… I submitted! To a Titan!”

“And?”

Her eyes fly back to me. “Whaddya mean ‘and’?! I submitted to a Titan! I failed my squad- they were countin’ on me and I-!”

“We all survived,” I cut in, “And yeah- we were lucky to all survive but that doesn’t change the fact that we did survive... So why are you so freaked out about the fact that you messed up if everyone still survived?”

“Because my comrades… they can’t trust me anymore and they-”

“They’re better off alive without trust in you than dead with trust in you, first off. And second, look around!” I laugh, gesturing to the bustling street filled with soldiers and cadets alike.

“These people are just happy to be alive… Your little screw up? ...it’s not on their minds right now- it may be later but that just means you have to earn that trust back. Prove yourself or... keep freaking out about it and screw up even worse next time.”

Sasha shoots me a glare. I shrug. She sighs, arms coming undone from around her waist. “...how’re you holdin’ up?”

“...well… I got a horrible headache, my back feels like shit, three’a my kids are bein’ questioned by the Garrison because one of them is a Titan, and…” I trail off, my sarcasm dying on my lips.

Flashes of memories with Hanna and Franz play in my vision. Teaching Hanna how to wrap wounds in the lamplight. Giving Franz advice on how to impress Hanna- and giving him bad advice to mess with him. Talking to Hanna about seeing the outside world and breathing real air. Franz teaching me how to open windows from the outside, so I could sneak in and out whenever. Hanna excitedly asking how Reiner and my first date had gone.

And then Franz, laying in a pool of his own blood and bitten in half. Hanna’s eyes- wide and trembling and filled with betrayal- staring at me as she screams for me to help. Just the look she had… gods… It was like… It was like she was drowning and all she wanted was for someone to snatch her arm and pull her out but…

But I left her there.

“..._________?”

I take a shaky, deep breath in and force a crumbling smile. “...and I led half my squad to their deaths.” My smile trembles and falters as my eyes turn to the sky. Breathing wavering, a cold laugh passes my lips. “I sent them to die and I didn’t even go back to help them.”

“You’re wounded,” Sasha says quietly, her fingers gently resting against the bandages beneath my Cadets jacket.

“That’s not good enough,” I sniff, still staring up at the cloudless sky. “That’s not nearly good enough… I went to HQ- I was just behind Jean. I could’ve-”

“Died,” Sasha states firmly, “You could’ve died. You were bleeding out- you passed out. You needed stitches and couldn’t even walk without Reiner or me or Jean! So don’t say ‘you could’ve saved them’ because…”

Sasha trails off. I turn to face her. Tears are streaming down her face and her fists are clenched in her lap. “B… Because… Because you couldn’t have. Because you would’ve died and left me here. Alone... Again.”

Her words cut into me like blades.

All this time, she told me she blamed Tobias for taking me away. But I never realised… I didn’t even think… I didn’t know she was…

“Sasha, I-” the words get caught in my throat as I look at her. My baby sister. All teary-eyed and breathing raggedly. Because of me. Because I left her alone with our parents, starving and burdened with so much responsibility. Because I left her alone after caring for her and looking out for her for her whole life- just up and left one night.

I wasn’t even able to see her- for three years, she had to imagine us meeting through letters and daydreams.

And I was prepared to do it again. Forever.

What have I done?

I swallow thickly and take Sasha’s hand. Gripping it tightly, I look into her eyes as tears flow from mine. “Sasha, look at me,” I mutter, “...I… promise I’m never gonna leave you again. Ever. I’ll always be with you… by your side.”

Sasha’s eyes widen slightly before her grip around my hand tightens. “I won’t leave you, either. I’ll stay with you.”

Smiling, I wrap my arms around her. My fingers run up and down her back as I press my lips to her temple. “I promise,” I whisper softly.

“I promise, too.”

--.--

“...if I’m going to die in this mass suicide, I want to at least…” I trail off, watching my finger trail down the leather strap across his chest.

Reiner chuckles, his fingers sliding up my neck and lifting my chin. “At least what?”

Heat rushes into my face as I stare up at him. The lamplight flickers onto our bodies as we lean against a stone wall. And it makes him so much more handsome. Chiseled and perfect- like a god, I swear it. He could be a god and I wouldn't be surprised. And yet… Here he is… Staring at me like I’m the one that hung the sun in the sky.

“Why the hell did you choose me?” I blurt. My eyes widen as I realise what I’d said. Even my fingers touch my lips- as if they were shocked by my outburst.

Reiner’s eyebrows furrow over his golden eyes. “Are you kidding?”

Gnawing on the inside of my lower lip, I shake my head. “...you…,” I laugh, rolling my eyes at myself. “I used to always think you had a thing for Christa. Or Annie.”

He narrows his eyes at me. “...you’re serious?”

I scoff, punching his chest slightly. “We’re about to go back into Hell itself and you think I’m joking?”

Reiner shrugs. “Always did have a strange sense of humor.”

“Yeah and you still chose me so why?”

He sighs, looking up towards the ceiling. “I guess it was…,” Reiner trails off and sighs again. “It wasn’t just one thing.”

“I’d hope not.”

He rolls his eyes, hands sliding down my sides. “...I think it was how gentle you could be,” he mumbles, “And then how… fiery you could get a few moments later.”

“...you’re joking.”

Reiner scoffs and shakes his head. “Nope. You wanted seriousness so you’re gettin’ it.”

I groan, laughing as I let my head hit his chest. “I can’t believe you fell for my mood swings.”

“...and your hands… and your lips… and those eyes.”

Blush creeps back into my cheeks and I press my face further into his chest. “...you’re such a sap.”

“Oh, gods-,” Reiner groans and laughs. “And your ass. Gods, your ass.”

I pull away and slap his chest. Giggling slightly, I peek around the corner of the wall. Everyone’s still gathered in the street. Garrison soldiers weave around the perimeter of the group, barking orders at trembling Cadets.

“...your boobs aren’t bad, either.”

“‘Aren’t bad’?” I scoff, shaking my head as I feel his hand rest at the base of my back. “I have excellent boobs, thank you.”

Reiner’s lips press up against my temple. “Then you'll have to remind me after all this.”

“...if we make it,” I whisper.

“When we make it.”

--.--

“I’m spending humanity’s last days with my family!” Someone screams over the clammer of the soldiers. People push past me, hurrying away from the walls. A murmur of panic spread through the crowd as more and more start to pull away.

Deserters.

“...gods,” I mutter, eyes glued on a soldier as she screams and tears out of the crowd with her hands clutching her hair. “Can you believe these people, Sasha?” I scoff, turning to face her.

She’s sheet-white and staring at the floor. Beads of sweat snake out of her hairline and down her face. “Sasha?” I call softly. “You okay?”

She doesn’t even look at me. Her eyes are stuck on the floor, fists clenched at her sides. I place my hand on her shoulder gently. As I touch her, Sasha’s body reacts. Her eyes shoot up from the ground, darting from me to the others leaving. Mouth opening and closing, she turns to the others and looks back at me.

“...let’s go.”

“What?”

“...let’s go. Let’s go home. And see Ma and Pa and go walk in our woods,” she says, grabbing my shoulders. Her eyes are flicking between mine, wild and wide. “Please, _________. Let’s just go.”

I pull away slightly, only for her grip to get tighter. “Don’t you want to see them?” She asks, shaking me slightly. “Don’t you want Reiner to meet them?”

I can’t lie.

It’s tempting- to leave here and go see Mom and Dad. To have Reiner meet them. To be safe and to have a safe life.

But that’s not what I really want.

I want justice. I want eternal peace, not peace for just a few days.

And I gave my heart to this. To the Corps. To fight Titans. I won’t- I can’t- take that back. I want to fight. Gods, I need to fight.

“..._________,” Sasha says quietly. Her eyes are locked on mine.

They look just like Hanna’s.

...I promised her, too. I said I’d never leave her but I can’t… I can’t leave.

“I… I can’t,” I shake my head and pull out of her touch. “Stay with me.”

Sasha shakes her head, sweat and tears streaming down her face. “...I thought you promised.”

“I did!” I snap, “But this?! This is… I’m not abandoning my values-!”

“This is me!” She yells back, “I’m your sister!”

“I know that!” I stop and sigh, running a hand through my hair. “I just… This is what we signed up for. To fight for humanity.”

“To die for it,” she snarls, shaking her head.

“So I’ll die!” I scream, fists clenched as I stare up at her. My muscles twitch and squirm beneath the tightness of my skin. “I will die before rolling over and allowing Mom and Dad to see what it’s like- to have your house destroyed, to have your family torn away from you… To have the last few memories of what life was like when it was simple and young snatched away from you,”

I shake my head. “And I’m not letting Mom or Dad or anyone go through that. Because that… is what I signed up for. To protect them,” I point towards the town. “And to fight them.” I add, pointing towards the wall towering over us.

Sasha opens her mouth, only to be cut off by the voice from the wall.

“Anyone that leaves shall be pardoned!”

...what?

“Those who have lived and seen the horrors of Titans shall not be required to do so again! They must leave!”

The crowd starts to stir even more. More and more soldiers pull away from the group, running down the street away from the wall. Heart beating in my ears, I freeze. Sasha tugs on my sleeve and urges me to go with her. My eyes flick over the crowd.

Where is he? Where is Reiner?

“...As should those who want their parents, siblings, friends, and lovers to witness the same horror!”

I watch as Sasha’s eyes glaze over. It’s the same look the Scouts had when they came back that day, when I took Eren and Armin and Mikasa to go see them return. All wide and open like windows. So clear you can see their memories on their lenses.

“...Ma… Pa…” she whispers, her eyebrows coming together.

The General continues, all background noise as I stare at Sasha. “Love,” I whisper, placing a hand on her shoulder. Her eyes slide up to me, all watery and glazed. “I’ll fight beside you.” My fingers brush a strand of hair out of her face. “I’ll always fight with you.”

Slowly, Sasha’s mouth closes. I can see her swallow as she stands up straight. “...for Ma and Pa,” she whispers, grabbing my wrist.

“For Ma and Pa,” I smile, “and for our future.”

--.--

I press my blade to my lips, breathing in shakily. My back is pressed up against a wall, I stare at the sunlight pouring in from the windows on either side of me. I risk another inhale.

I don’t know where it is.

I don’t know where my squad is.

I don’t know where I can go.

My whole body trembles, shaking the ODM gear at my sides. Footsteps shake the walls and floor beneath me. A quiet scream leaves my lips as the footsteps get closer. My hand slaps over my mouth as I continue to whimper.

If I’m not already whimpering like a brat loud enough, my heartbeat is loud enough to give me away.

I’m going to die alone.

Without seeing the outside world.

A shadow looms, blocking the sunlight streaming in from the windows.

The Abnormal chased me and my squad down. Sasha and the others should be back at the wall. I was just behind them, making sure no one got left behind.

Dammit.

I hiss, looking down at my leg. The fabric of my pants is torn from the impact. The son of a bitch got my wires- dragging me down and slamming me onto the rooftop. I slid off the side and shot myself into the windows upstairs. The Abnormal barely missed grabbing me as I dragged myself downstairs.

I thought it left after that.

Gods, why didn’t it leave?

The shadow keeps moving, footsteps echoing down the street as it walks away.

A breath leaves my lungs.

With trembling fingers, I reach out and touch the largest wound in my thigh. A jagged piece of the tiles from the roof sinks into my skin- a deep red pouring down my leg onto the floor. My fingers tug on it slightly. It squelches, sending jolts of pain through my body.

My head slams up against the wall, my jaw clenching as a hiss of breath snakes through my teeth.

I can’t run with this.

I slam my head against the wall again.

Dammit. Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit!

I look back down at my leg.

Even if I could somehow fix the wound on my thigh, the area around my ankle is swelling and turning a faint shade of purple.

Goddammit.

Footsteps thud just outside of the building again. Sunlight disappears- drunk up like water and replaced with ink-like darkness. Dust trickles down from the ceiling above me and I can hear the Abnormal shifting through the debris upstairs.

Why does it want me so badly?

There are others outside- and the group on the wall. Why does it keep coming back to find me?

Something drags along the ceiling, more dust following its trail. The Abnormal’s footsteps trudge away once again.

...is it… looking for something?

I shake my head.

Who gives a shit? I just need to get out of here, not debate the intelligence of Titans.

I look around the room I’m in. It looks like an abandoned store- emptied of food and stands overturned. Wood and glass litter the floor around me. Shredded pieces of rope hang from the ceiling across the room.

...I have an idea.

I press up against the wall, pushing myself to my feet with my good leg. My right leg relaxes slightly, letting my foot touch the floor. A small pain shoots up from my ankle, circling the wound on my leg. My eyes flick up to the ropes swinging just across the room.

I have to do this if I want to see them again.

With each lopsided step, pain shoots through my body and my muscles scream at me to stop. My hands reach out and tug the rope down from the ceiling. It comes down and my body falls to the floor with it. Hissing in pain, I grab three pieces of wood and place one piece on either side of my ankle. Tucking the other under the arch of my foot, I tie the rope around my ankle and under my foot, bringing it back up to tie just under my knee.

It’s crude but it’ll do.

The wound in my thigh sends another jolt of searing pain through me. Sighing, I run a hand through my hair. “...think, _________,” I whisper, eyes flicking around the room.

They settle on a ripped banner hanging above the door. Faded, dusty letters spell out ‘F RM R’ MAR T’. It looks like it’s made out of something like a tarp. Not good for bandages.

But good enough for a tourniquet.

I get back to my feet, clutching the area surrounding my weeping gash. I stumble towards the banner and tug on the hanging section. It doesn’t budge. I try again, letting my body lean back as my hand grips it.

It rips and I’m sent backwards, landing on my back. “Gods,” I mutter, rolling onto my side. “When I get back… I’m gonna… take a nice... hot bath… with candles… and tea…,” I continue, wrapping the banner around my leg. “And then- when I’m all healed… I’m gonna… have some mindblowing se-”

Something crashes through the front door. Debris goes flying from the gaping hole, slicing my face as they speed by.

My eyes open. Body frozen, I stare at the giant hand just centimeters from my foot. It starts to move, snaking back out into the street. I scramble backwards and tie the banner around my thigh.

It’s time to go.

I get to my feet, inching around the corner back into the main part of the store. There has to be another exit.

Something passes by the windows.

My eyes catch it as I move further away from the hole in the entrance.

Through the dirt-stained glass, two eyes staring back at me.

My blood stills and everything goes by so fast.

Another hand punches through the walls in front of me. It reaches towards me and grabs my good ankle, pulling me back into the street. Kicking and screaming, I reach down and grab my blade, bringing it down on the fingers wrapped around my body.

The fingers fall away and I fall backward, hitting the cobblestone street with a huff. The Abnormal- its hand steaming from the bleeding stumps- turns to look at me.

My legs push me back, flailing and scraping against the stone as they try to get me the hell out of here. My back scraping against the stone, I scream and tighten my grip on my sword.

If I go down, I’m going down with a fight.

“Get away from me!” I scream as the Abnormal’s other hand grabs me by the torso and lifts me in the air.

Oh gods… this is it, isn’t it?

“Let go!” I yell again, thrashing as the grip around me tightens. “You let me go, now!”

Sasha. Eren. Mikasa, Armin. Reiner. Jean and Connie. Was that the last time I’ll ever see them?

I’m lifted even higher until I’m at eye-level with the Abnormal. My eyes lock with its own. A chill runs down my spine as I do. Such a deep shade of brown they look like black pools of water. And I’m so terrified I’ll drown in them.

“Put me down,” I say quietly.

It’s weird. All those days and nights in the woods with my dad and with Sasha. The animal we were hunting- the deer, the squirrel, whatever- it would always lock eyes with me. I never thought much of it but…

I understand now what it’s like.

To stare at the thing that’s going to kill you. To plead with your eyes.

And to be engulfed in darkness.

...right?

But we stand in the street, staring at each other. It’s frozen. I stare at it and it stares back.

...shouldn’t I be dead already?

Slowly, it lowers me. My feet touch the ground and the hand pulls away. It straightens back up and keeps its eyes on me.

They changed.

Its eyes.

They were… they were brown before, weren’t they?

They shine an almost neon red now- glowing and piercing in the sunlight.

What the hell is going on?

The eyes are glazed over, staring blankly at me. My fingers dance along my blades, ready to fight if this is some… trick? I don’t know- I’m just ready.

But it just sits there. Waiting. Watching.

“...get the hell out of here!” I yell, waving my blade above my head.

It turns around.

Did it just-

Listen?

It walks away from me, leaving me alone in the street.

I shake my head. No, no… It didn’t listen. It’s an Abnormal. Maybe it just…

I don’t need a reason. I’m free and I can get the hell out of here.

----------

You can read parts one, two, and three just by tapping the lovely numbers!

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jungle321jungle · 5 years ago

Text

Level Two: Wait, You’re Not An NPC?

The world of Swords of Power and Conquest was one Virgil dove head first into, giving his soul and life to the game. He would play whenever he could, and had even decided he wanted to go into game design. At times he had even dreamt of how wonderful it would be to be inside that world for even a moment- until that world became his reality.

The familiar world he had come to love was now a foreign prison, one with no way out.

A Log Horizon AU. If you don’t know what that is, this is a Show Better Than SAO AU. If you still don’t know, the sides get trapped in a video game.

Ao3 - Masterlist

Taglist: @hells-missing-a-goat @angels-and-dreams @ollyollyoxinfree @gattonero17 @chumo-cookie @dreaming-always @anxiety-ismy-name @mrbubbajones @janustheliar

~~~~

Level Two: Wait, You’re Not An NPC?

Virgil wasn’t sure how long he had stood there. Stood there staring at his surroundings in shock and disbelief. But it was the familiar sound of a message which shocked him out of his stupor. Virgil’s eyes darted around him wondering how to open and answer- or if he was truly insane- when a voice sounded in his mind.

“Tony?”

The voice was one which filled Virgil with relief to the point of tears welling in his eyes, but none of this could be real, right? Right?

“Tony?” It asked again.

Virgil chose to indulge his own delusions as he wiped at his eyes. “Jack?”

“Oh thank God that worked!” The voice came from the other side of- of Virgil’s mind? “What the fuck is going on?”

“You’re asking me? This-” He stopped looking around at the forest and taking in the feeling of the sun streaming through the trees to let its warmth land on his skin, and the sound of animals running round. The sounds which were both so familiar and yet so foriegn. “This is all...”

“I know. One moment I was sitting in my room, the next I’m standing in the Tavern. And I mean, not my character but- but me.”

The unsteadiness in that voice was something Virgil wasn’t sure he had ever heard before. But then again, neither was this situation. “I’m at the fork,” was all he said.

“Then get your ass over here.”

With that the “call” ended and Virgil found himself moving. Leave it to Piggy to calm him down to a state of action with so few words. He wasn’t sure anyone else he had ever known was capable of such a thing.

Virgil moved quickly. He ran down the path following the way he knew but keeping his eyes peeled. Monsters had always been in this area, but when the Tavern had been opened the monsters had become some sort of a rite of passage. If someone couldn’t get past them, then they didn’t deserve to be in the Tavern in the first place. That’s why he and Piggy together had placed the sign post and the teleport spot at the fork. It was a test. One Virgil hoped he could pass.

He gave a hard swallow as he continued on listening carefully to the sounds in the trees, bushes and forest floor. But not daring to stop long enough to wait for something to find him. He was close. The Tavern would be in the coming clearing.

Ralph was waiting for him in the coming clearing.

It was when the breeze ceased that rustling became clear. Virgil’s breath shuddered but he didn’t stop and draw the sword he could feel strapped to his back. Not yet. As it grew closer and it’s footsteps sounded heavy Virgil reached back his fingers closing on his sword hilt- ready. He would wait as long as he could- because he couldn’t afford a fight. He couldn't afford the risks he had thought he had enjoyed.

Virgil could feel the roar of the monster in his bones- in his core. Tyren. A level 28 monster resembling a mix of wolf and cat with claws which hold poison. They were generally weak on their own. But they had a habit of traveling in packs. This wasn’t a fight he could win- not anymore. All he could do was run.

His heart drummed faster in his chest with every step he took. His eyes were burning with unshed tears but he couldn’t let them fall and obscure his view. Not when he could see the Tavern. Not when in a few moments he knew he’d be able to see the sign for the Serpent’s Den. Another roar sounded to his right. Followed by one to his left. And the growling from nearly all sides.

They were going to trap him. To get in front of him and surround him and then take their time ripping him apart. He wanted to puke. He wanted to feel like the walls weren’t closing in. He wanted to be back in his room- hell he’d go back to taking that fucking exam. He’d go back to anything. Anything but this.

He launched himself into the clearing not daring to look back as the roars continued. He sprinted for the back door praying to anyone who would listen that the door would be open. Thankfully his prayers were swiftly answered as the door burst open and Ralph was standing there crossbow in hand. Despite himself Virgil felt his lips curl into a smile as he watched his friend take aim. He ran toward him not bothered with where Ralph was aiming. It could be to his heart for all Virgil cared, it would be better than being torn apart. But he heard the whistle of an arrow flying past his head and the screech of a pierced tyren. He didn’t dare look back.

It was close. Ten steps. Five. Four. Three. Two. One.

Virgil threw himself onto Ralph sending them both flying to the ground and he could only laugh in relief as they both hit the ground, and the door slammed shut behind him.

Virgil closed his eyes letting his tears fall as he listened to the sound of Ralph’s heartbeat. Ralph himself did nothing simply laying there, not saying a word nor pushing Virgil away. But after a moment Virgil pulled himself off and Ralph moved himself into a sitting position. Today’s face scanning Virgil with eyes that screamed worry.

“I’m okay,” Virgil said finally.

“No you’re not,” he disagreed. “No one’s okay right now.”

Virgil only gave a nod as he wiped at his face. When he had he looked back to Simon’s face unsure of what to say or do- but he found his gaze drifting above his head to the screen name which still managed to float about his head, lordofthelies.

“This is too real,” he said finally.

Simon gave a chuckle, “Not the word I’d pick, but yeah. You sure you’re okay?”

“None of them got me,” Virgil assured him, but seeing the disbelief in Simon’s face he continued. “But I never thought I’d be scared of tyrens ever again. Haven’t worried about them since I got past level 45.”

“I’m not sure if alcohol works here,” Simon said standing. His eyes darted around his office before he extended a hand. “Join me in finding out?”

“Hell yes.”

They drank and sat in a comfortable silence and it wasn’t until Virgil could really feel its mind numbing effects that he spoke again. “Customers?”

“None,” Jack replied. “Today was the peace talk remember? I had closed in order to prep for the guilds which had rented out the space for a private space to talk. They had just walked into the forest and me back into my office when...”

Virgil nodded and knocked back the rest of his glass and reached to get himself a refill. “I had been out scrap picking. I had just teleported.”

“Have you been able to reach anyone else?”

Virgil shook his head, “I don’t even know how.”

“To be honest I’m not entirely sure either. I was just thinking that I needed to message you no matter what; and then I heard the sent sound. And then I could hear you.”

“Have you gotten anyone else?”

“A few. Tact, Rolls, Bilder67. But for those who aren’t responding I don’t know if it’s because they’re not logged in or because of something else.”

“They probably don’t know how.”

Piggy’s eyes showed overwhelming disbelief but he changed the subject. “You should get some sleep. I’m going to stay up in case anyone comes.”

“But-”

“You know where my room is.”

Virgil wanted to argue, but the thought of sleep was enticing, so he made his way upstairs to the small little loft and flopped on the bed, drifting off near instantly.

~~~~

“Morning.”

“Morning,” Virgil mumbled back, moving to sit at the bar counter. “No one came then?”

Simon shook his head then he sipped at what must’ve been coffee. “None. And I’ve only heard back from Tact... but I figured out a few things.”

“Like how to cook us breakfast?”

A smirk graced that face as he turned slightly to face Virgil. “I was going to explain that I figured how to use game controls but I mean if you want burned eggs I can do that instead.”

“You can’t cook?” Virgil asked in surprise.

“Not well.”

“And you own a Tavern?”

“A virtual tavern. Why don’t you cook and I’ll explain?”

“Alright,” Virgil shrugged, hopping off his stool and making his way to the kitchen. He paused upon entering it, “How do I even access food? Is it in the cabinets? Or my inventory?”

“Ah, so you do need to know how to play.” Simon smiled.

“Just hand me food.”

Simon shook his head, “You need to learn. Basically focus on what you usually see on the computer screen.”

Virgil raised an eyebrow but when Simon made no move to do anything he closed his eyes picturing his screen in his mind. In the top corner left would be his health. In the bottom right would be the mini map of the area, and his five saved skills. In the bottom left corner would be the inventory he’s wearing, the stats of his clothes and his sword. And in the top right would be the bar for him to access skills or inventory. Picturing it all he took a deep breath and opened his eyes and nearly stepped back in shock to see his screen as pictured.

And he wasn’t exactly sure if he was shocked or relieved to see his HP at 73%.

“Push inventory,” Simon advised.

Virgil nodded and reached up to hit the word inventory and was surprised to see as the boxes appeared. For a few moments he scrolled through what he had, before he found some eggs and he apprehensively moved to tap the icon. Except his arm went into it and his fingers closed around a large egg. He pulled his arm back and the large egg came with it- he needed to take it in two hands to ensure he didn’t drop it.

“Nice,” Simon nodded, moving past him to turn on the stove and setting a pan on the burner. “I want it over easy.”

“You’re getting scrambled.” Virgil replied, setting the egg on the counter and already searching his inventory for some milk. “This thing is too big for me to flip it. It’s scrambled or nothing.”

“Fine.”

They lapsed into silence as Virgil worked, but a question was still burning in his mind. “The Starter Village... it’s probably safest there, isn’t it?”

Jack gave a sigh, “Probably. But it’s also probably swarmed with people thinking the same.”

“Safety in numbers?”

“Chaos in crowds.”

“Avoid people then.”

“That’s not what I mean. I said I talked to Tact right? People are rioting in the Starter Village. And most cities. They’re gonna deplete all their resources. Meanwhile it’s just the two of us here, we’d last longer here. And if someone makes it here? Well, if we’re gonna survive we need strength. People who can make it here are strong. We know that much.”

“We don’t even know if we can make it here anymore,” Virgil pointed out as he put the eggs on a plate. “But I get what you mean. Is Tact coming here?”

Jack gave a shrug as he handed Virgil a fork and poked at the food. “I don’t know. He said he wanted to gather information first, but I doubt he’ll come this way until we figure out what happens when HP reaches zero. And if health potions work.”

“I hope they do.”

“Same. And when people do get here. I think we should lay low for a while. People will probably swarm you for new armor and swords. Maybe we can get more information from listening to the chaos. But it might be a few days before anyone comes.”

Virgil only nodded, not wanting to acknowledge that they could really be here that long.

~~~~

Nine days.

It had been nine days since Virgil found himself trapped in the game he had fallen in love with. And he still found there wasn’t much he could do. One day four he and Jack had been bored and daring enough to step outside the Tavern, to see how their swordsmanship fared against one another before even daring to take steps in the woods.

From it Virgil had learned he could still use basic moves and swing his sword well enough. And he had also realized he could use his saved skills or very basic skills the same way he had accessed his inventory. But now one day nine neither he nor Jack had figured out how to do both simultaneously. And it seemed the few customers and coworkers which had trickled in didn't have a clue either. They had all run for their lives and stuck to the basic skills and had barely managed to make it to the Tavern. But all of them agreed that despite the danger outdoors the Tavern was safer than the cities which were rapidly running out of space, and due to fear of going hunting players were running out of money and had resorted to robbing one another. Virgil could only hope those people wouldn’t come his way.

“Hey! Anthony! Get me another beer!”

Virgil only blinked at the drunk customer (blueskiesareyellow according to his screen name), “Hello sir, would you like to browse my shop?”

“Beer! I want to buy beer!”

“I’m sorry I don’t sell that item. But I do my best to sell all sorts of armor, weapons, and rare items. Would you like to look around?”

The man gave a look of disgust and began shouting at one of the Tavern girls, MannaM, to get him a beer. “Damn NPC. Good for nothing.”

A woman further down the bar gave a laugh, and Virgil recognized her as one of his repeat customers, FuckThisImTheB3st. “Be nice to my man Anthony. He’s got some good stuff to sell!”

Virgil gave him a slight smile, “Hello ma’am, would you like to browse my shop?”

“Not right now,” she dismissed.

“Alright. Please let me know when I can be of service.”

On any other day this would be considered horribly slow. Only six customers, and two workers. Usually they were packed all days of the week with players gossiping information to be sold to the highest bidder. But now all they had was a depleting amount of food and alcohol to be sold. And Virgil wasn’t entirely sure what they would do when they’d run out of food, Simon claimed he was working on it but Virgil doubted he knew either.

The slamming open of the Tavern door was something of a surprise. Then it walked three faces which Virgil recognized. Virgil tried to keep himself calm as one of which locked eyes with him and stormed up the counter and slammed his hands down on it. “I need the owner. Now.”

Virgil gave him a smile, “I am the owner of my shop. Would you like to browse?”

“What? No- I want the guy who owns this place.”

“I do my best to sell all sorts of armor, weapons, and rare items. Would you like to look around?”

“No! I want to speak to the owner.”

“I am the owner, sir. Would you like to browse-“

“Are you even listening to me?”

“He’s an NPC dumbass!” FuckThisImTheB3st shouted.

Tact stepped up next to his companion. “Hello Anthony, May we gain entry to your shop?”

Virgil gave him a smile and moved out from the behind the bar and led the way to the hidden door. He unlocked it and stepped into his shop. Inside Simon stood holding out an armored vest to a player, kittycat=patt, but both looked up as Virgil entered.

“Tact!” Simon smiled. “Good to see you.”

Tact gave a nod as he moved forward leaning on his cane as he did. “I’ve told you many times to call me by name and not that uncreative nickname.”

“And since when do I listen to you?”

“Roman! Remus!” kittycat=patt smiled. “It’s good to see you both! I haven’t seen you both since the Dragon Raid!”

“Patts!” <3getting2Dsat1 cheered running forward to embrace the other girl. The two started talking quickly and suddenly but Virgil was still trying to process that TheSwordTwins- aka the duo with their own YouTube Channel that Virgil had watched every video from were casually standing right in front of him.

“Tony, lock the door?” Simon asked, stopping Virgil from staring. When the door was locked all of them sat down at the table leaving Virgil standing.

“Hey Lies,” royaltyforroyalme or Roman started. “Can you tell your NPC to stop staring and leave?”

Simon paused before he shook his head, “He stays. Anyway Tact, why are we all here?”

“My name is Logan,” He corrected instantly. “I am a tactician for the pay, it’s not who I am. But as for why we all are here I have two pieces of information to share. And lucky you for you I won’t charge a fee.”

“How generous.”

“The first is I have seen first hand that just as when this game was purely game, revival is possible.”

“You’ve seen it?” kittycat=patt blurted.

Logan gave a nod, “I have. I had posted myself outside of the East Hospital and was awaiting to see if anyone revived. And someone had. Two evenings ago I was about to head back to the inn where I was staying when the tell tale glow of the building started and a player appeared in front of it proclaiming and crying in relief at still being alive. I kept my post until this morning and confirmed this was not a fluke by watching it happen multiple times and I also interviewed each of the revived players. Thus I can conclude that when a player's HP reaches zero they come back to life as a character should. But at the same time it doesn’t seem to be a pleasant experience.”

“I think that’s the best thing I've heard since this started,” Piggy commented, relaxing in his chair. “But what’s the second piece of information?”

“I have a theory- or perhaps hopeful thoughts on how to get out of here.”

“What is it?” Virgil blurted moving closer.

“Ah, is that what it takes to get you to break character Anthony?” Logan asked, amused.

“Answer the question.”

Logan nodded. “The main quest. This game was designed so that it would update itself when the main quest was completed. Perhaps a fix to the servers can free us. That’s why I asked you all here. Lies is not only a legendary holder, but one of the biggest names in the information trade. Roman and Remus each hold one as well, and when I called both they told me Patton was as well. And you Anthony are certainly high enough level to aid us.”

“That’s a gamble.”

“It is,” Logan acknowledged. “But it is better than simply sitting and waiting for rescue?”

“Wait,” Roman cut in. “You’re not an NPC?”

Virgil blinked, “No. I’m not.”

“Then why?”

“People are more likely to talk about things when they don't know they’re being listened to,” Piggy commented. “And now since the joke wasn’t as funny as I intended, Tony come sit.”

“I can’t go get a chair, everyone out there doesn't know I’m not an NPC.”

He patted his lap, “Sit.”

“Fuck off Piggy.”

“Am I not good enough to sit on?”

Virgil resisted the urge to punch him in the face as he looked back to Logan. “If the game reboots if the quest is cleared, wouldn’t that just kill us?”

“As I confirmed there is no death as we know it in this world, that is unlikely,” Logan replied.

“But how are you going to do it? We’re still missing five swords. Not to mention the main quest is literally impossible. That’s why no one has done it!”

“There was no motivation to. Before the goal of most players was to simply enjoy the game for all about its main quest. We simply need to shift focus.”

Virgil shook his head, “Ralph tell him it’s impossible.”

Ralph paused in thought before he sighed. “We don’t have any better ideas at the moment. And at least it’s something.”

“What if we only have a limited number of lives?” Virgil tried.

“There’s only one way to find out!” Remus cheered. “Roman! Stab me through the boob!”

Roman paid his brother no mind, “He does have a point. We don’t know if our luck will run out.”

“I think we should go for the swords,” kittycat=patt tossed in. “If it’s possible we can get out quicker shouldn’t we?”

“Do we know where the missing swords are?”

At that Logan turned to Jack, “What do you know?”

Jack gave a frown and his eyes flickered to Virgil before he crossed his arms over his chest. “Before we talk about that we should talk about logistics.”

“What's there to talk about?” Roman frowned. “Either you have the information or you don’t.”

“The game ends when one person collects all ten legendary swords. Shouldn’t we discuss who will be doing the holding of these swords? Because quite frankly I don’t know anyone sitting here well enough to believe you won’t steal everything and sell it.”

“I want to go home, not make money!” kittycats=patt said quickly.

Logan gave a nod, “We both know I have gold to spare.”

“I want to get back to my life,” Roman agreed.

“How much money do you think you’re all worth?” Remus asked.

“Remus.”

“I’m kidding Ro! Kidding! I wanna get back too... mostly. I mean can you blame me? This is cool as hell.”

“I suggest we each hold onto our own swords until the end,” Logan stated, putting things back on track. “And as for acquiring more, I suggest the person who claims it carries it. And once we have them all between us we figure out how to clear the game itself. Until then we have no choice but to trust one another.”

For some reason Virgil wasn’t sure he liked that idea.

“We’re going to need to practice fighting,” Virgil pointed out. “Jack we could leave the Tavern to MannaM and head to a low level area to grind and figure it out.”

Jack gave a nod of thought, “We certainly could.”

“Have any of you figured out how to use the skills?” kittycats=patt asked. “I can use the easy ones but I can’t do any combinations.”

“I can,” Remus tossed in. “You just gotta move and it kind of happens.”

“I’ll need you to be a bit more descriptive,” Logan frowned.

Remus gave a shrug and pulled at the mustache on her face. “They just happened. Like muscle memory or something.”

“Hm, then training will need to proceed. Perhaps you can tell us what it is we will need to know about the other locations when we have?”

“No, I’ll tell you here,” Jack sighed. “I know this is the most secure spot. I can only hope your lips are sealed just as tightly.”

Virgil wanted to disapprove, but he knew Simon was right. “Well maybe first we should start with what swords you all have and then Simon and I can tell you everything we know?”

There was a pause as eyes looked round the table before Logan spoke, “I hold the Sword of Time.”

“I have the Sword of Ice and Water,” Patts announced.

“Sword of Sound,” Remus put in.

“Wind,” Roman said quickly.

“Faces,” Simon finished. “As for the others, I know that two elemental swords are still fully unknown, some rumors say they are in circulation others say they are yet to be claimed. I personally believe there’s truth to both sides. One of them, likely the Sword of Stone, is in circulation, given the Sword of Flame is pretty distinct. Someone would know if it was used. The Swords of Darkness and Light are also both unclaimed. Tony has a theory on those. And then the Sword of Stars is in circulation. Last I knew it was in the hands of a guild, so Mr. Guild Hopper might know something.”

Roman crossed his arms, “I don’t.”

Simon didn’t seem convinced but he let it slide. “Tony, your theory?”

Virgil gave a sigh, “The location of the Sword of Darkness isn’t exactly a secret. But despite that no one has been able to get it given the pitch blackness, and the boss monster. According to the lore to the game, the sword belonged to a fallen angel who tried to attack the heavens. When he lost and died the sword created the barrier to protect him. Meanwhile the Sword of Light was considered tainted and needed to be purified. But my theory is this, that given the true quest of the game is to unite all the swords, that the Sword of Light and the Sword of Flame must both be used to retrieve The Sword of Darkness.”

“I don’t understand,” Logan frowned. “I understand wanting to use the Sword of Light but why Flame? It’s said that any lights are automatically extinguished within the dark.”

“Yes, but there’s multiple reports about the boss monster inside. Some seem to think it’s the fallen angel himself revived, some say it’s a dragon, some think both. But all seem to agree that they were certainly burned inside the dark. Now perhaps the Sword of Ice and Water could put it out. But if the Sword of Flame is used it could theoretically form a protective shield of flames to absorb those thrown at us. Or something to that effect.”

Logan paused and Virgil could see the wheels turning behind those glasses, the Tactician's mind working. “Then after training we’d need to go after the remaining sphinxes and gain clues about the Swords of Stars, Light, along the way.”

“I can continue to check in with my network,” Simon promised. “But we need to be careful about people knowing we’re going after the swords.”

Virgil gave a nod before a thought occurred to him, “Eric please do not tell R3M333. He’s not subtle.”

“He’s not that bad. He’s good at collecting information, just not keeping it...”

“Please Eric.”

“Fine.”

“Real quickly,” Roman put in. “What should I call you? Because you’re not-NPC has called you like ten different names.”

Eric blinked as if the thought hadn’t occurred to him, “Tony is a bit of a nerd. See my screen name is lordofthelies. But he read it first as lord of the flies, and ever since he calls me by the name of different characters from the book. But you guys can call me whatever, Lies, Lord, or-”

“Sexy?” Remus asked.

Eric gave an awkward smile, “I was going to say my middle name is Dante. You can me that or Dee. Trapped in a game or not, I rather not give you my first name.”

“Pleasure to meet you Dee!” kittycats=patt smiled. “I’m Patton! Call me that or Patt! But before we leave, can I buy some armor off of you too? As much as I love this outfit it’s not good for defense.”

Virgil paused looking over Patt’s oversized skirt and heels silently wondering how she had managed to make it to the Tavern in the first place. “Yeah feel free to look around my shop.”

~~~~

“You think this is all a terrible idea don’t you?”

Virgil looked up from where he was sitting on Dee’s bed and gave a slight nod, “I don’t trust them. And yet we just told them everything, Dee.”

“Not everything.”

“Oh?”

Dee raised an eyebrow as he sat beside Virgil on the bed, “I know you lied about your theory. That’s not it at all.”

Virgil gave a shrug, “You don’t know that.”

“Yes I do. I may not have heard your theory before but I know that’s not it. I just know you’re a good liar. But I also won’t ask you to tell me what it is.”

Virgil looked into his eyes- those actual eyes. The way Dee has designed the character before he had earned his legendary sword. “Then what are you asking of me?”

“I ask that you don’t trust anyone.”

“I take it that includes you?”

“I’m number one on that list.”

Virgil gave a yawn as he laid back on the bed, “Then make sure I’m number one in yours.”

~~~~

Level One - Level Two - Level Three

#virgil sanders #janus sanders #logan sanders #roman sanders #patton sanders #remus sanders #video games #videogame au #sao au #anxceit will come #so will logince and intrulogical #idk how to tag this ill figure it out #the bois get swords i dont make the rules

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obisgirl · 4 years ago

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Goodness prevails!

Today is a new day. I’m supposed to be working right now, but I feel like I need to write this.

For four years, we were living through a nightmare under Donald Trump; a nightmare that became a really bad reality show in 2020 with the introduction of COVID-19. I’m reminded of what I used to say to my dad before the pandemic hit us, “Something is going to happen, something that will show Americans the kind of person Donald Trump really is.” That something were two things, the handling of the pandemic and the Capital Riot.

Trump has always been his own worst enemy, he can’t help it.

I’m also watching this morning, The National Prayer Service from the Washington National Cathedral, which I encourage everyone to watch. What I notice about this service, it is multi-religious. There were prayers from every sect of faith you can imagine, and even nods to the LGBT community.

I’m Democrat, but I’m also Catholic, and I was brought up in a two-religions household (Jewish/Catholic), so my brother and I learned from an early age to respect all religions. Republicans who claim to be Catholic, but follow bigotry and hateful rhetoric, are anti-Catholic. For me anyway, being a good Catholic means respecting all faiths and all people’s, regardless of sexual orientation.

At the end of the day, America is made up of different faiths and people. I also hope going forward, our politicians can learn to work together to get this pandemic under control, but also hold those accountable betraying our country.

I’m under no delusion that it will be an easy road ahead, because there will be bumps but at least now, we have an actual adult running the country and not a child. We can count on Joe and Kamala to behave like adults, and not pass the blame when something goes wrong.

Happy Thursday and Bridgerton was renewed for season two!

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weaselle · 6 years ago

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pay no attention to this collection I just need to post it so I can find it

hit walls and floor... tall inside of my skull; if I never fall at all, clever's awfully dull - so if "push" says the door you'll be watchin' me pull - 'cause I only shop for china when I'm walkin' with bulls

Order me sit? dope, I'm askin' how high; I out right hope my notes are causin' outcry - where do I fit? miles as the cow flies - statistically shit, climbin' slopes to outlie

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I can juggle knives, and proselytize, and wink my eyes in flirth (or mix words like mirth and flirt, like, ask what planet Dirt is wearth) I can lift a person by their soul, or... even let them down; I can fit myself to any role: demon, prophet, clown. I can write like frightened squid, or read a book from any shelf- but a lifeguard out at sea can drown, and I can't save myself

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I want an adventurous crew, less than 100 and much more than 2; I've got an idea or four to do and believe that "to lead" isn't "ordering you" - I want be thicker than thieves: if one of us cries, everyone grieves; stacked deck for success, form small companies so that every ace dealt goes up all of our sleeves - I wish I had Boromir's horn; I stand full of arrows, small and forlorn I'd summon an army as sure as you're born and we'd rend every obstacle / mend what is torn

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yo when it's late I don't know if debate is a pro that I'm prone to or con I conflate; yawn ok great it's the dawn of new date too soon gone like a pawn in a perilous state - do I wander or wait, keep closed yonder gate or transpose these ten toes 'til exposing my fate? if not off to bed nodding off head berates and refuses to do more than snooze/obfuscate

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I don't have time enough to tell the clock to stop its ticking talk, while I'm sublimely sleepy, still ensconced in twos of shoes and socks; I'm staring off in awful need of themes that breed these searing thoughts- I breathe more air when all unfair reality congeals and clots; when sleep is claustrophobic, fear near stoic in its static stay, I ride my nightmares into mounts more suited to the dreams of day

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time for me to be known from home to home, on the campaign trail like when Romans roam, I'mma do the damn thang, prevail and own every twist in this life-line vine I've grown

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sick like a little bit with a bad tum and sniffle it's not a badda-boom bat beating but a wiffle hit; sleep like the bleeping sheep gotta wring it outta me, sore like a freaking score that you sing without a "c".

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i got nothing to say, i'm all bluff in this play, i mean i'm here to swerve some verse it's clear i'm thumpin' away at the buttons with the letters on whenever it’s day like a cat attacks a sweater, just pretending it’s prey - I need to catch the thing I’m chasing, like, it’s gotta get caught, and so I jot it down a lot to try to capture the thought; but though the plot is often written out in dashes and sketches, i rarely cash in those checks, i need more carry than fetches, so I’m dreamin’ and dumpin’ out all the schemin’ or somethin’ and like, even if it’s meaningless these keys I’ll keep thumpin

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with the internet i’m magic and i’m casting a spell call a song out of the air to here as clear as a bell private playlist from the A-list like i’m famous as hell making music moving quickly so I’m faster as well

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“oh no” I shout “Where’s Trusty my phone?” I don’t know the whereabouts, must be shown- adjusted the tone of the ring to silence now trying to find it brings me to violence; really need to locate as I motivate to go today I throw the flippin’ sofa pillows hopin’ for a stowaway... but oh no way it’s gone I pray this song will make a tiny spell; a lesson less on lost forlorn and more intent on finding cell

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pocket full of humbug, some'll argue/ some shrug but damnit my whole planet's stupid like it's on the Dumb drug will there be a U.S. war? (I mean ANOTHER on our list) maybe something civil: neo-drivel vs. power fist... maybe accidental, mental trump insulting china's boss I fear these pale tears will steer us straight into a giant loss

so many people on the earth are searching for a safe life the rich'll keep their swords but lord they'll take away our steak knife Nothing free for you and me our banking fees are never waved; an act by black or poor is "crime" for white or rich it's "misbehaved" They're pouring us an ethanol and calling it an eggnog - time to run away and trade these reindeer for a sled-dog; the season of the commie christ whose message hasn't landed yet: money only isn't evil if the people's needs are met

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no thanks on the news, yo crank up the tunes, don't bank on the crankiness taking a snooze unless I get dressed from neckless to shoes and charge the horizon more wise than confused __________________________________________________________

hear the too late beep, missing two days sleep, and the road to a dream is a two way street; so the mood stays bleak though I do make sweet this coffee with cream and the brew ain't weak

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been a While since I styled out the verbs and tenses, went around the Gates and straight hopped the fences; penUltimately gotta be a sultan of self: master mind, rule body, find my worth-and-my-wealth; if i'm quiet too long I'll have sloth not stealth so I try to move along and get my words off the shelf.

my projects: objects I invent/books writ - that shit won't pay the rent; throw fits, I have, it don't prevent: what's real from feeling devil-sent.

so I must be clever, do each: sum total; whatever needs eating this dead-beat goat'll; ask what is the art in a pace grown sickly? cut to the part where the chase goes quickly

Now hook or crook I must prepare, to tell each truth/take every dare stand hand on hips, and one in air, you can kiss my lips, or my derrière

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got me a hit list, swear i'ma get this done til the sun goes under the business; witness, this is crazy and witless, lazy lately: maybe the wiz kid just hid restless - put to the test his quiz is bested get to the rest it's now or not again, get that got and then kill it til the whole damn lot is a slaughter pen, sweat til the wet drip drops gettin' hotter than the metal that your kettle corn kernel keeps poppin' in; hoppin' and hippin' and readin' what's written i gotta be gettin' to the List no skippin'! slippin like fall, new leaves i'm flippin - givin' my all just to keep on grippin'; breakin' what doesn't bend wrong way through, as i make it to the end of the long To Do

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i post at the prompt, chew big what i've chomped; grew kid to a ghost haunting most of this pomp; listless within this to do list i'm swamped - spirit in fits, corpse slow to go romp

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incautious swatches of saying; watch as he washes the playing: switching the swerving and swaying into some terms of conveying wishes conditions occurred in which this envisioned un-blurred digit could get itself heard and flip politicians the bird

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in the trace of the face off you tasted last, is the scent of the sense made fading fast, so your dreams leak sieve-like hiking past a scared nightmare crew of an all-you cast

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got me a pallet of shall get around to, climb out of shallow kie, it's not about you; just look at the play and see where the props ain't, take out a brush but don't rush it you'll drop paint; stop sayin' you're praying for planet like damn saint but get out and do, do it, do, 'til you feel faint; yes do it, true get into some writing, what you must chew is how much off you're biting, i dust off the lightning and plug it right in, if i play hard enough then my bluff just might win, all this tin in my pocket while walking about til the hat-caving camptown will clean me all out- my ten other projects, pretend money fudge it, i'll sell all my objects and end up with budget; i'd love it if some of my ideas ran, but i'll finish the one and be one happy man

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each piece is news, new peace in reach; tho a few of you choose nude tweets of Preach- but the rest got best bits fittin' here, what tests my pets must sit and hear: forget that past rush last two years going mash-gas fast 'til we're clashing gears, it's clear no room for fear to be, but the info flash is a blast to me- from the crashing sea to the land locked loam, we're lashed to the new word womb to tomb; and it's all fantastic like plastic foam that'll patch like magic a tragic home, or a tech part heart in 3-d print that'll let docs talk too intelligent; it's so elegant, that an elephant could do operations like he hella went: to harvard med my head is full but the school yard's sharp like a shaving tool; i'm a raving fool, but i drink it in, article particles 'til i sink and spin, win wonder i'm under delusions grand- will i sunder illusions and understand? or is it too much fuss will i cuss and worry, will i do what's just 'mid the dust and fury all i know is i go with the flow i find, tryna rein in my brain while i fill my mind

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so often was the A.M. spent prayin' for mayhem, like seeing riots firing inspired me to 'amen'; i'd hate when the job sucked, my robbed luck, i'd get stuck- attempts at free society my hopes and dreams were all fucked; but lately (don't hate me) the game is less crazy- i bust twice as lustrous if bosses don't make me; So new to the bragging, i catch up from lagging and write down solutions more lucid less nagging

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no sleep awake i sit and wait until the mill will dim/abate some whim shall take my fancy fate is to be sleeping dreaming state my eyes won't close i'll type i 'spose i'll write a night time rhyming prose those words i've heard but rearranged their meaning seeming weird and strange i've changed but how i could not say i only know no other way yet days gone by then who was i my mind was mine but what i tried to bind untied it flies! it runs! i rue what once i 'knew'; so dumb- untruth undo what time has done i can't so chant of what's to come oh spin oh sing oh show such things oh paint me what the future brings if won't be still then say your fill i pray my brain abstain from frills and spill the beans and give me scenes of things that help divine the means which plan to make which paths to take? i sit and wait no sleep awake

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rework this

i want things to be different, starting with me; like to find me a new mind, with new eyes to see; like to start a new life, with new ways to be; can't be hard to do right, or this dude might flee- but i like the older version, no aversion to he: the kid who up and did lots, and got up from knees; who figured bigger sub-plots, and thought it was neat; who questioned syncopation, by stepping off beat; so i'd like to start a nation, a tribe or a team; one with no reservations just, a vibe and some steam; a group think to shout out 'thou shalt know peace' and to try it they're provided with some elbow grease; what i mean is, i think it's, so nice to be me; and the thing is the scene seems a singularity; but my brain goes, down more roads, than the branches of trees; and with more crew, i might do, more glancing with ease; so for multiples of loyal, one/two/three: i might try it royal, and become true We

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#poem #poetry #poem collection #master post

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black-arcana · 4 years ago

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KRYPTERIA – AND THEN SHE CAME

Interview with AND THEN SHE CAME

Interview conducted Feb. 28, 2021 by Dan Locke

AND THEN SHE CAME Ji-In Cho (lead vocals), Olli Singer (guitars), Frank Stumvoll (bass guitar) und S.C. Kuschnerus (drums).

Ji-In, you are German-Korean. What is your upbringing?

JI-IN: Hello Dan, thanks for having us. My parents are both from Korea. They met in Germany where they married and started a family. I was therefore raised in a Korean manner in a German environment. You can imagine that this did not make for an easy upbringing or childhood. But it gave me the benefit of getting to know both cultures and maybe even the opportunity to combine what’s best of them.

How did you discover music?

JI-IN: I don’t remember a specific moment in my life. I remember our home as a home of music. My parents liked to sing or play guitar or piano and I remember dancing a lot to their favorite music. I am also told that I was singing all day long to songs I heard on the radio or tunes that I made up myself. So I guess that was the time where music became my inspiration.

How did you start to write music?

JI-IN: I wrote my first song when I was six years old. I always loved animals and I couldn’t understand why my father went fishing. When he came back with his haul I was very sad and refused to eat the fish. So I wrote my first song about not hurting fish.

Describe your music.

JI-IN: Well, I definitely didn’t write any more fish songs (laughs). On a more serious note, I can’t sit down and plan my songwriting ahead of time. Instead, I am more the spontaneous type who gives in to impulses, emotions, and inspirations from all around me. I try to channel those ideas, pictures, tunes, and feelings into my songwriting.

What was your first performance like?

JI-IN: If you mean my very first performance in my life, I played Maria, the mother of Jesus, in elementary school. I remember my first stage fright. After it was over I was very proud and I knew that I wanted to be on stage again.

What was the title of your first original song? Did you record it?

JI-IN: It was called “I go fishing”. And no, I did not record it back then as a young girl but today I wish I had. It would be a nice memory to share with my future grandkids.

You started off in Become One a German Boy/Girl pop band, and then you were cast onto the German reality television show “Fame Academy”. Tell me about the time on the show?

JI-IN: Right after my studies at the Cologne University for Music and Dance where I was trained as a classical musician I suddenly got tossed into the pop business. As a participant in the German television show ‚Fame Academy,’ I endured three competitive months of singing, dancing, and acting. Every week we had to prepare live acts for the elimination show that was recorded and broadcasted from a studio set every Saturday night. In the end, I won the competition together with five colleagues of mine. We formed the band Become One and went on tour for a year. This is how I received my very first recording contract with a major label. It was a very stressful and emotional time in which I learned a lot about the reality of the music business.

You have appeared with the likes of Phil Collins, Sarah Connor, B3 and Ricky Martin. Did any of these artists give you any words of wisdom about the music business?

JI-IN: There were so many things to learn and to experience during the show. The personal time with the visiting stars was too brief for any chitchat or personal talk, though. However, I did spend some time with Lionel Richie during a show event that featured all ‚Fame Academy‘ winners from many participating countries. He said to me then that we should never give up if we really feel the need to be an artist. I think about his words every once in a while and to me they still ring true.

Let’s turn our focus to And Then She Came now. Guys, describe the band’s music.

KUSCH: It’s hard-driving drums, heavy guitars and intense singing galore. It’s Rock, it’s Metal, there are quite a few alternative vibes but also some pretty catchy hooks involved, too. Lyrically we tend to steer clear of your traditional boy-meets-girl topics, but rather go for a more sociopolitical approach. Let’s say there’s not a whole lot of stand-by-your-man stuff with this band.

How does the songwriting process work between the four of you?

KUSCH: Well, everybody chimes in with different creative ideas as we are lucky to have four very imaginative musicians in this band who all write and arrange. We try not to limit ourselves and instead toy around with all our combined influences and delusions. But apart from that, there is no clear-cut recipe as to how we create our songs. In Shecameville there’s a new adventure every day (laughs).

Do you belong to any to songwriters’ organizations like the International singer-songwriter association?

FRANK: We do. All four of us are members of GEMA which basically is the German equivalent to your ASCAP.

What makes a good songwriter?

JI-IN: In my opinion, there is no strict recipe. I know there are some songwriters who have fixed methods and procedures but that approach does not work for me. I have to feel free in the creative process and do not like to be limited in any way. In the end, the only thing that matters is the outcome. I think a good songwriter is able to somehow touch the listeners with his or her music.

KUSCH: I agree in the sense that a good songwriter knows how to connect with his or her core audience first and foremost. So even though the songs may not be all that good you’re obviously still doing something right and are considered successful at your craft. Now, a great or even transcendent songwriter is able to touch people beyond any genre confines. That’s when the likelihood we deem it ‚good‘ music increases significantly. But you can’t underestimate the importance of the performance itself and also whether a given song gets a chance to be heard. If „Bohemian Rhapsody“ hadn’t been a hit, would it be a lesser song? I don’t think so. There are probably thousands of gems out there that never got a proper forum.

You used to be in the band Krypteria. Why did you change up the band?

KUSCH: In 2012, following a killer Asian tour, Ji-In was about to become a Mom so we unanimously decided to put Krypteria on hold for an indefinite time. Then one day our bass player Frank was asked to create the soundtrack for a German-American movie. But instead of taking on this task all by himself, he brought in Ji-In, Olli, and myself. The creative process took on a life of its own, and all of a sudden we found ourselves working on songs for a full-fledged Rock album. Now, even though And Then She Came started out as just a movie soundtrack project, we just had to go on. Why? Well, I guess we’re just unable to get rid of each other even after all those years, aren’t we?

How did you first establish your band back in 2004?

KUSCH: The three original guys in Krypteria first had a band together in the Nineties and despite not working together all the time we never quite lost contact. So when the idea of starting something new came up in 2004 all we needed was an outstanding vocalist. Preferably a vocalist with a knack for energetic performances while not showing any signs of lead singers’ disease. Ji-In, who we had met during a studio session a year prior to that, fit that bill just perfectly so we asked her if she was interested in jumping aboard, and fortunately, she was. Then Olli was brought into the fold in early 2010 so the four of us have been working together for more than a decade now albeit under two different names.

Krypteria’s single “Liberatio” was used as part of a charity campaign to aid the Tsunami victims in Southeast Asia. What is the musical difference between Krypteria and And Then She Came?

JI-IN: And Then She Came is much rougher and it’s more about the synergy of organic rock instruments and electronic elements. We like to think that we still have good melodies, though. That’s really important to each of us.

KUSCH: The main difference between Krypteria and And Then She Came might indeed be the edgier and less theatrical touch that is particularly evident in the arrangements and our individual performances. I guess thanks to said more organic approach we were able to again turn it up a good notch in terms of sonic intensity, depth, and the overall vibe right off the bat compared to our prior releases.

What else did you change compared to your time with Krypteria?

JI-IN: We consciously made the choice to release our albums by ourselves. Yes, it may be tough sometimes because of the extra work and responsibility this kind of independence and freedom entails. Especially for a lot of stuff that, at least on the surface, has little to do with making music. That said, it’s a tremendous opportunity to shape our future as a band as we see fit. And as Kusch likes to say, if we screw up, then at least we’ll die by our own sword.

How did you come up with the name?

JI-IN: Actually, we chose And Then She Came because we wanted people to think, to find their own interpretation as far as the meaning of the name is concerned. Just as there is never only one point of view or one universal truth, there are many possible interpretations for this name. Sometimes it’s very funny how just one headline can lead to different background stories in one’s head. Even with all the information out there you still have to come to your own conclusion. That’s why we found And Then She Came as a name very interesting. For instance, I naturally think about the name in a totally different way than some men do (winks).

Do you think that your old fans will follow your new band?

JI-IN: I really hope our fans from back then continue to find us and are happy that we are back even though it’s with a different kind of music. And I really, really hope that they like our new sounds and songs.

Tell me about your debut album?

OLLI: You could call it the beginning of our creative rollercoaster ride. It felt like all the unused creative energy was suddenly breaking through. This and the fact that ATSC actually started as a studio film score project is probably the reason for the enormous amount of different colors in our music. Now, after the release of our second album „Kaosystematic“ and being in the middle of the process of writing new material for our third album, I can clearly say that starting this journey is the best thing we have ever done so far.

How was it to work with Arch Enemy’s Alissa White-Gluz and guitarist Jen Majura of Evanescence?

KUSCH: Well, we’ve known Alissa for a number of years now, and not only is she a killer performer, but she is an amazing soul as well. See, she’s a pro’s pro. She’s a warrior, she has to be. But as a friend, she is super sweet and she doesn’t mind going that extra mile. When we asked her if she was interested in adding that signature beast mode intensity of hers to our song „Five Billion Lies“ she didn’t even blink. Now, Jen, we have known for way over ten years, and it’s always great meeting her at a festival, a show, or a music fair. She’s such a sweetheart and an awesome guitarist, and we’re so proud of her for hitting it big with Evanescence. Her guitar solo on our song „Spit It Out“ is nothing short of spectacular. It’s amazing musicianship, creative cleverness and a fistful of good-natured cheekiness all rolled into one. Beautiful!

What is your favorite video of all time you have created?

FRANK: My favorite ATSC video is our 2018 tour movie „As The Lights Go Down“ in its entirety. It brings back great memories of a fun tour.

KUSCH: Good call! Aside from that for me, it’s a close call between “As The Battle Rages On“, “Sick Of You“ and “Public Enemy #1“. That said I like the respective messages behind „Perfect As You Are“, both the video and the tour version.

OLLI: Definitely “Perfect As You Are“. Actually, we did two videos for this song. It was an extremely demanding shoot, cause I literally switched positions constantly. Between performing and directing there was no minute of rest. But it was absolutely worth it. I really enjoyed Ji-In’s playfulness in her role as ‚Korean Marylin Monroe‘. Yet the second version is my favorite. It takes the original message of the song and projects it onto the ATSC team as a family. It is still heartwarming for me to see our crew’s performance in front of the camera during the whole video. We love you guys!

What are your feelings about streaming music?

FRANK: While streaming is very convenient and fast, for us musicians there is no significant advantage in my opinion. Granted, your work is available to more potential listeners, but the net is being flooded with new digital content ever since streaming took over, so making a name for yourself is even more difficult than it used to be. Also, the artists merely receive breadcrumbs for creating the fuel these platforms run on. You simply cannot support yourself through streaming. That’s why all the bands have to make their money on the road. It’s a vicious cycle. The author and performer should get a fair share of the profits when their music is being streamed, similar to what we had in the past with mechanical releases. The only winner in this so far is the big media companies.

If you couldn’t do music what would you like to be doing?

KUSCH: Too scary! So in true Rock musician’s spirit, I’d probably choose denial and stick with something along the lines of ‚damn the torpedoes‘ or ‚the best is yet to come instead.

Digital vs. vinyl?

FRANK: That’s a good question. It depends on your preferences and maybe your age. Back in the days I really liked listening to one side of vinyl on constant repeat while closely studying the sleeve. It made me feel like I was a part of it. Digital made everything easy, you can carry the whole world of music and movies on your cell phone. But can you really develop a deeper connection to the work a musician put so much time and dedication into? Maybe that’s why vinyl has been making a steady comeback recently?

What is the mental health situation of the World?

OLLI: Over the years we met a lot of people all over the world. And with many of them, we became close friends. It is heartbreaking how they all tell the same. Egoism seems to be overtaking everywhere. And this started already long before the pandemic. There are so many challenges for us as a species in order to build a better and safer future. For us, for our children, and for our planet and its entire ecosystem. But unfortunately, people always find reasons why they themselves don’t have to act. Ultimately this egoism leads to most of our problems we as human beings have to deal with these days.

What song from the past is in your mind right now? Moreover, what does that song mean to you?

OLLI: “Where Do We Go From Here?“ from our first album. Not only because it was the first song we ever played in front of an audience. But also because it sounds like a good headline for every single day of the last year.

KUSCH: In times of turmoil it can’t hurt to put on „What a wonderful world“ or John Lennon’s „Imagine“. With so much deception, aggression, and us-against-them in the world right now a healthy dose of positivity is what we need. And even if you don’t agree with everything Lennon said or did you really must be an all-out asshole to not share the hope that someday the world actually will live as one.

Do you feel the Covid-19 virus is going to affect the music business in the future?

FRANK: No doubt about it, as it is currently killing the whole industry. All touring activities unexpectedly got frozen, and there’s no telling when we will be allowed to return to our every day’s work. Nobody knows what will happen and who will still be in business when it finally starts to return to some sort of normalcy. But there will be a very different musical landscape for all of us, I fear. More like a “new normal” similar to what transpired after the 9/11 attacks.

What have you been doing with your self-quarantine?

OLLI: Learning. A lot about myself and my very own abilities to stay strong in order to be there for my family. It has been a tough year and it still is. But love and hope keeps me going. My thoughts are with the people who lost a loved one. But in the end I am sure that we can come out stronger than we have been before. For sure that will be the case with ATSC. Somehow we are growing together even more. But I guess that is what artists are like. Make them eat shit and they deal with it in their own ways. Nonetheless it’s a tough fight for our and our families’ existence. I can already say that this is obvious when you listen to our new material.

Have you discovered or rediscovered any new hobbies?

FRANK: I’ve been running a lot lately, more than ever before actually.

OLLI: Not a new one. But I had much more time for my biggest passion besides the music. I am an outdoor guy. I even live between lakes, forests and mountains. So whenever I can, I just grab my backpack and vanish into the wilderness for a couple of days. You can’t find me at home, in a tourbus or in a studio? Try looking somewhere in the wilderness. But maybe you wanna bring a thermal imaging camera. Stealth as stealth can be!

KUSCH: For me it’s more and more long walks in nature, minus the vanishing. Also I had the chance to follow the NFL season more closely than I had been able to recently. Plus, the lockdowns we’ve had over here allowed me to work on some old gear I still had sitting around. And while this is all nice I can’t wait to go on the road, meet people and enjoy the overall experience again. I really miss it.

95% of people said that they have changed the way they watch television. This includes people who don’t have television and use their computers to do streaming of programs and movies. Which is your favorite streaming channel?

OLLI: I am a huge movie addict. So streaming platforms became a good alternative to me. Especially since I am spending a lot of time on the road. Carrying a DVD collection wherever I go wouldn’t be realistic at all. But to be honest I don’t have a favorite channel. Each one has its strengths. And yes, I have subscribed to probably every one of the known platforms (laughs).

How can bands keep their fans if they cannot play live in front of the fans and sell merch to them at the show?

KUSCH: Well, doing an interview with UnRated sure is one excellent opportunity to reconnect.

What about Holographic concerts in our living room?

KUSCH: Do we really need less incentive to get out of the house and interact with actual human beings? Or even more technology for that matter? Take Autotune or what CGI does to movies. What was created as tools to support the arts is now dominating them. For example, given the choice between 1982’s ‚The Thing‘ and what was supposed to be its prequel from 2011 I’ll pick Carpenter’s movie any day. Same with real-life concerts in actual venues with actual people on, behind, and in front of the stage.

How do you stay healthy while touring?

FRANK: Living on a tour bus and in venues for weeks at a time is obviously very different compared to being home. You need to get ready way before you go on tour and there surely are many ways to prepare.

My personal one is I run every other day. Now once a tour has started there’s always a big party happening on the bus after the shows with great loud music and you get your booze for the night. Come to think of it, maybe this is my personal way to stay not-so healthy while touring (laughs).

Is pay-to-play still a thing? Now pay-to-play also means things like playlist on the internet?

KUSCH: Well, I don’t know about the internet but in the touring business it is. That said, in Europe, it’s more that you pay your share of production, transportation or catering costs, things you actually benefit from. So it’s not like you dole out cash just to be allowed to perform in a support slot. At least we never had to.

Any new music coming up in the new year?

FRANK: Due to the situation surrounding the pandemic everything’s in limbo. But as soon as scheduling any concerts and tours make sense again, our third album will be out right away, be it this year or early in 2022. This band is never short on inspiration, after all within the first three years of our existence we’ve released two studio albums, a live album, a live DVD, and a tour movie. So naturally, we are writing all the time, exchanging ideas. If this Covid thing lingers on any longer we may end up with a total of 500 new songs. Good luck to us trying to decide which of these will make the record (laughs).

Anything you would like to say in closing?

KUSCH: Enjoy life cause it might well be the only one you have. And stay safe and sane out there cause we want our friends and fans to be healthy, so we will get to see you on tour at some point. For those of you who haven’t listened to And The She Came go and give our music a shot, you might actually dig it. And come and see us live if you can, but make sure to stick around after the show cause we’d love to get to know you better. And bring a friend or twenty (laughs).

JI-IN: Yes, we can’t wait to get out and meet you guys, and feed off your energy on stage. In the meantime take good care of yourself everybody!

#and then she came #ji-In cho #olli singer #frank stumvoll #s.c. kuschnerus #interview

0 notes

amidalogicdive · 8 years ago

Note

56 - "I’m sorry, what? I keep getting lost in your eyes.” Nyx/Noctis :D

Can i..? Chapter 3

Pairing: NyxNoct

Ao3 Link: http://archiveofourown.org/works/11425596/chapters/26687238

Prompt from @ckyking - “I’m sorry, what? I keep getting lost in your eyes.” Nyx/Noctis :D

){°•○•°}(

It was five minutes to four as Noctis paced the steps of the Citadel, glancing over at the gates as a vehicle would pass. The glaive wasn’t late, yet, but he couldn’t help the impatience he felt or the thoughts that filled his head. Would Nyx really show for their date? If Gladio came down, how would he explain his presence to the glaive? Despite his words earlier, would the Shield listen or would his father counteract his command. This, and more, kept going in circles and the stress he felt continued to climb - until an unfamiliar sound pulled him from his thoughts. Noctis hadn’t known what to expect from the man, but it wasn’t this.

“Is it safe?” Were the first words he spoke as his date pulled the dark helmet off his head.

“You’ve never been on a motorcycle?”

The prince stared at him for a moment like he had two heads. “You do know who I am, right? First born son, the only son and only heir. You honestly think my father would allow me to run around the city on a motorcycle?”

Noctis’ response held such seriousness that he couldn’t stop the laugh that came. “I guess not. Well, dear ‘ol dad doesn’t have a say today.” Reaching behind him, Nyx unhooked the spare helmet and held it towards the prince to take. “Come on, live a little. Anyway, I’m driving so we’re gonna be fine.”

Standing silence for a moment, Noctis weighed the options presented to him. Thinking back on the many lessons that Ignis had forced him to suffer through, one lesson stood out. He’d told him - at times it was better to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission. Mind made up, he descended the last few steps and took the helmet from Nyx hand, placing it on his head. The glaive reached out, fastening the clip as he tightened it to fit properly. “The fact that you are driving is the exact reason why I am concerned. You were shot saving my life, so I can tell you have little concern for your own.”

One hand went straight to his heart, clutching the leather jacket he wore. “Ouch, you wound me Noctis. So little faith in the Hero of the Kingsglaive?”

Making a sound that resembled annoyance, he threw his leg over the back seat, clutching the sides of his coat lightly. “Ah, is that what you are calling yourself as of late? So you’re not only a flirt, you’re full of yourself as well? Or should we call it delusions of grandeur?”

“Wow, you are so harsh little prince, extremely harsh.” Yet he chuckled like he knew the man behind him was teasing and didn’t seem to take any offense. “You’ve insulted me, insulted my driving. If we survive, and if we make it back, you owe me an apology and a kiss.”

“First a date, now a kiss? You’re becoming more trouble than you’re worth, glaive.”

Glancing back at Noctis, Nyx had the biggest smirk that he’d ever seen him wear. “Oh, believe me, Noctis. I’m 100% worth it.” With that said, he placed his helmet back on. “Hold on, but not too tight. We are going to the lower districts.”

They pulled away from the Citadel, exiting the gate and went speeding through the streets of Insomnia within minutes. Dark eyes watched as buildings and people became a blur of color around him. This was unlike the pomp they subjected him to as heir, and Noctis found he enjoyed it. No one stared at them, or pointed as they passed, the Lucian people continued on with their day and didn’t spare them a second glance as the glaive weaved his way through afternoon traffic. If his life could always be this way Noctis knew he’d be happy, yet the reality of his life wouldn’t allow it. But, for the moment he could pretend that he was like anyone else and even though it was only a momentary relief, it was enough.

The two made their way deeper into the city, taking an off ramp from the main highway that led down into the immigrant district. Though he’d never been here before, Noctis had heard of it many times from the council and his father. It was the heart of all those who’d entered the city looking for the safety the walls provided, and they had discussed this area in meetings often. How they could better serve those who came for sanctuary while knowing many Lucian’s within Insomnia would have preferred they leave.

In all honesty, until now he’d held no opinion supporting either side and hadn’t held an urge to understand them. Noctis knew it was the immigrants that fought for their city in the Kingsglaive, and for that, he was grateful and respected their abilities. At the same time, like the wall, they were yet another reminder that his father wouldn’t last long in this world. That one day, it would be him wasting away for a city and a people who saw him as nothing but a barrier between this world and the darkness without.

Allowing such dark thoughts to leave him, Noctis leaned forward. “You’re not from Insomnia.” He shouted loud enough for the man to hear over the roar of the engine and the wind that flew by. It was a comment, not a question and he saw the glaive nod in answer. “Where are you from?”

“Galahd, little prince. Islands to the North East of here.” Noctis laid his chin on Nyx shoulder to catch the words. “I’m sure you’ve heard of them?”

He had, it was the last Lucian province attacked by the Empire after his Grandfather had drawn the wall back. Noctis remembered his father’s stories when he was little, of going to fight and to defend their allies but it had done little against the Empire’s Magitek forces. “Yes, my father fought there.”

Nodding again, he felt a hand pat his own gently. “Hold tight, Noctis.” They were off the main road a moment later and speeding through narrow streets crowded with shops and people. The prince was instantly hit with unfamiliar sounds and smells, they overwhelmed his senses to the point that he ended up burying his face into the glaives back. Turning onto a side street, they came to a stop when Nyx pulled into an underground parking area and cut the bike off. “You ok, little prince?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Hopping off the back, he handed Nyx the helmet and leaned against a wall waiting for the glaive to finish securing his bike. “So, what will we be doing here?”

“Aren’t one for surprises, are you? If you must know, there is a festival going on right now. Thought you might enjoy getting out of that pretty box you live in and have a little fun.” Unfortunately, Nyx didn’t know how close to the mark he’d been with that comment. “As for actual plans? I promise that we will have some good food, good drinks and hopefully by the end you’ll find that I am good company.” Extending his hand to him, Nyx waited for the prince to take it. “So, are you ready?”

After a moment of hesitation, Noctis took it and noted the warmth in his touch. Tightening his hold on the prince, Nyx dragged him into the festivities with a grin. Exiting the dark underground garage the first thing that caught Noctis eye was the setting sun painting the sky in rich oranges, violets, and reds. After that, the prince became overwhelmed with the sights and smells that accosted his senses. He took in the crowded streets filled with colorful lights strung over every business, home, and fence that lined the walkways as Nyx pulled him along. Turning his head as immigrants called from their booths, hawking their wares as children and adults enjoyed the festivities and made their way from one party to the next. Noctis wasn’t accustomed to events like this, and it was nothing like the galas and political events he and his father attended on a regular basis. This was different, this was just fun.

The two walked for a while and enjoyed the controlled madness of the fair. Nyx would stop Noctis when something would catch his eye, pointing to different items or attractions as they went. He would lean down, speaking into his ear as he told him of the dances or ceremonies that belonged to his culture. But, he could tell that it was a lot for the young man and allowed Noctis to take everything in at his own pace. They had been walking for a while when the glaive saw the side street they needed and was about to pull him along, but a light tug on his hand made him look back. “Little Prince?” Following the gaze, Nyx noted the booth that had caught his attention. Children surrounded it, coins in hand, as a kind old woman handed them some type of golden bun.

“That smells wonderful, what is it Nyx?” Dark eyes glanced up as he moved to stand at the prince’s side.

Reading the sign, that happened to be in his own tongue, Nyx smiled down at his date. “That is a treat that we would receive as children during festivals.”

“I see, only for children.”

Seeing the disappointment, the glaive tugging him over to the booth and waiting for the children gathered to leave. Once there was an opening, Nyx smiled down at the older woman and held up two fingers as he spoke the language of his homeland. Noctis watched him with interest, it had been the first time he’d heard Galahdian and he found it soothing to his ears. The woman chuckled at the glaive, and picked up two of the sweet buns, smiling as she urged Noctis to take them. “Go head, I got it.” Nyx grabbed a few gil, thanking her, as Noctis following his lead and thanking her as well. “It’s a type of sticky bread,” He explained, tugging the prince off to a quiet corner. “they make it with a sweet dough, honey, and spices. Try it.”

“We didn’t have to buy them.”

“Yes, I did.” Leaning closer, he spoke so only Noctis would hear him. “You seemed interested and looked like you would cry when I told you they were children’s treats. Would have broken my heart to see you cry.”

That made Noctis blush, “I was not going to cry!” He spat, handing one of the buns to Nyx. “But, thank you.” Lifting the treat to his mouth, he took a small bite from the warm pastry and moaned in happiness. It was warm and soft, melting in his mouth with a sweetness that wasn’t overbearing. Taking another bite, Noctis glanced up as the glaive chuckled, arching a brow as he chewed.

“Sorry, you just look like a contented cat at the moment. It’s quite cute.” He took another bite and swallowed. “Let me guess, you’re a picky eater?”

“How could you…” Sighing, he stuffed another bite into his mouth, glaring at the glaive.

That gave him the information he’d needed without the man saying a word. “I guessed right! So, how picky are you, little prince?”

Swallowing the food in his mouth, Noctis thought the question over and shrugged. “It would be easier to ask what I will eat, honestly.” Taking another bite, he saw that Nyx was watching him, obviously waiting for an answer. “I like meat, and desserts that aren’t mushy and soft.”

“Vegetables?” The prince made a face, and Nyx laughed out loud. “That’s a no. Fish?”

“I love fish, love to fish as well.” Pausing, Noctis pulled a piece of bread off his bun and popped it into his mouth. “My father couldn’t fish, but he would take me to this quiet lake and spend all day with me. Haven’t done that in years…”

Seeing that the conversation had taken an unpleasant turn, Nyx grabbed the Prince’s free hand and started to walk. “Date number two, maybe fishing? Tell ya now, can’t fish to save my life but I’m great with a grill.”

Glancing at the man beside him, Noctis shook his head as a sigh escaped him. “You’re already assuming there will be a second date, glaive?”

“I never assume, little prince. I’m asking.” Pale eyes met the dark orbs of the shorter man beside him. Something within them made the glaive want to protect him, keep him close, but he brushed the feeling aside. “So, the second date? You fish and I’ll grill. Seems like a fair trade to me.”

They fell into a pleasant silence as they walked, Nyx allowing the younger man to consider his offer as they finished off the sweet treats from earlier. “I will agree as long as certain conditions are met. Assuming that I enjoy the rest of this evening and you get us home safe, I’ll allow a second date. But, I get to pick the spot and I’ll drive.”

“Well, considering that I like my odds, I’ll agree to those conditions.” Nyx squeezed his hand and pulled him down some stairs. “You’ll like this place, great meat skewers, and no vegetables if you don’t want them.” Hearing his name called, Nyx looked towards the back and nodded. “Didn’t expect them, do you mind a little extra company?” Seeing the prince shake his head, they made their way towards the occupied table. “Crowe, Pelna… meet Noctis. Noctis, this is Crowe and Pelna. Didn’t know you’d be here tonight?”

“Crowe had a craving, and I never deny her anything.”

“Smart man, Pelna.”

The woman glanced at Nyx, moving to the dark haired man beside him and arched a brow. That’s when the light flipped on, eyes going wide as she looked back at her long time friend. “Nyx…” Holding a finger to his mouth, he let out a light ’shush’, and smirked. “Going incognito, huh?”

“Guess you could say that, so far so good.” He took the seat across from Pelna, patting the bench. “Come on, I swear they don’t bite. Unless you’re into that kinda thing?”

“I’ll have to pass.” Taking the offered seat, Noctis glanced at the woman across from him. “I know you, the day I came to speak with Nyx, you were the one with him.”

“That is correct, Your Highness.”

Pelna did a double take, looking from Noctis to his girlfriend and then finally settled on Nyx. Speechless for a moment, he could see that the glaive was waiting for him to react. Unfortunately, the first thought that he actually voiced was, “You kidnapped the fucking prince.” Which sent them all into a laughing fit, including Noctis.

“How the hell did you come to that conclusion?” He had no response to Crowe’s question, so she shook her head. Noctis was still laughing, his face buried in his arms as Nyx rubbed his back. “I doubt they would be hanging out here if he’d kidnapped him, Pelna.”

Pelna looked to Nyx to explain the situation, so he took pity on him. “We are on a date, I guess. When I was high on drugs I asked if this could be my reward for saving his life.”

Crowe snorted as her boyfriend started to relax, now understanding the situation. “Date?” Glancing between the two, she rested on the flushed face of the little prince. "You poor thing, it must be torture. In all the time I’ve known this ass, I’ve never seen anyone go out with him willingly.”

“Wow, Crowe…” Icy eyes glanced over at Noctis, who had started to laugh again, and was trying hard to hide it. “I don’t know why you’re laughing, you’re the one who agreed to this!” Ruffling his hair, Nyx grinned and was glad to see the prince actually enjoying himself.

“Of course I did, how could I refuse a man who saved my life? Anyway, seeing you high on drugs was really cute.” Realizing what he’d said, Noctis blushed and covered his mouth as Nyx blinked. His curiosity got the best of him. Nyx wanted the prince to clarify on what he meant by that, but Crowe interrupted him before he could ask.

“I knew it!” Slamming her hand on the table, she pointed at the glaive. “Pity date!” Leaning over to Pelna, she nipped his neck, grinning. “Why don’t you and Nyx go get more food. There isn’t enough here for everyone, and I’m still hungry!” Pelna stood, smacking Nyx in the arm as he passed. “Go on, I’ll keep your date company for the whole five minutes it will fucking take you.” Waving him off, she watched them go and then pulled her attention back to the prince. “If he doesn’t behave, tell me. I’ll get on his ass so fast…”

“It’s fine. He’s,” She could see that he was trying to find the right words, so picked up another piece of meat as she waited. “…different from the people I associate with. It’s not a bad thing, please don’t take it as such. I’m just not used to this.”

Picking at the skewer with her fingers, Crowe nodded. “I understand, you’re not used to being with a man.” Seeing him shake his head surprised her. “Then what?”

He finally looked up at her, a light flush still spotting his cheeks. “Being with someone who respects me, and doesn’t seem to care about who I am.” That made the woman frown as his eyes dropped back to the table. “To most, I am not me. I am Noctis Lucis Caelum, Prince of Lucis and Heir to the throne. Most of the people around me use my title like a weapon, load it with all of these expectations and then burden me with the weight of it. Nyx,” Dark eyes glanced over at the two men for a moment, and then looked at Crowe. “he doesn’t seem to care who I am, as long as I’m happy.” Maybe he’d been too honest with her, but it was a relief to him to say it.

“It’s not a bad thing, kid. Being happy? Everyone deserves to have some kinda happiness in their life.”

“I agree,” Picking up her cup, he turned it in his hands. “I’m just worried he’ll end up like them. That the prince will end up mattering more than Noctis does. So, it’s hard to get close to people.”

“Don’t do that to yourself, never doubt your feelings. Look, he’s a good man, better than most honestly.” Watching him for a moment, she leaned her chin onto her hand. “He’s got demons, a lot of scars… but who doesn’t these days? As long as you’re honest with him, he will never betray you. It’s a partnership, cutie. That’s how we live, trusting in one another, and he’s never let me down.”

Noctis didn’t get a chance to respond as Pelna and Nyx returned to the table, hands full of different items. “I hope you like good meat and shitty beer!” The table ended up covered in cups, bowls and a pitcher a moment later.

“Beer for all of us? How sweet of you, Nyx.”

“Noctis first,” Grabbing the pitcher before she had a chance to, Nyx glanced at his date. “would you like some before these gluttons drink it all?” A subtle nod was all he needed as he filled up his cup and Pelna pushed a bowl of skewers over to him. “Eat up, I still have one more surprise to show you before we get you home.”

He picked up the meat, instantly noting the lack of vegetables that the others had. Smiling, Noctis leaned against the glaive for a moment. “Thank you.” Watching the three start to eat, he finally took a bite and his eyes widened. It was good, one of the best meals he’d ever had. Taking another bite, he saw Pelna watching him as he chuckled.

“I have no doubt this is your first time having these.” Noctis nodded, his mouth full of juicy spicy meat. “Just like home, sometimes he’ll make them milder for the curious Lucian’s who wander down here. But Nyx told him not to hold back, wanted you to have the real thing minus the veggies.”

Swallowing, he reached for the beer they’d given him and took a drink. Instantly his nose wrinkled and Noctis shook his head. “Now that I can live without.” Those words made the three with him laugh.

“It’s an acquired taste, little prince. You’ll get used to it.”

“…will I?”

Glancing over, he could see the look in Noctis’ eyes, he knew it all too well. “Yeah, you will. It comes in bottles as well so I can always sneak you in some to the Citadel.” Noctis sighed, looking down at his dish, but didn’t reply.

Nyx realized they were words, empty and meaningless. Noctis knew much of words, in politics, it was all he dealt with and what he wanted was actions. He needed to see that Nyx meant what he said and that he wasn’t stringing him along because of who he was. Nyx didn’t know how he would prove it, but he knew he couldn’t stand to watch Noctis retreat back behind the mask he wore as the prince. Tossing his gaze at his two friends, Nyx leaned down bumping his forehead against the side of his. “But it’s always better with friends, so I’ll just have to sneak you out with us more.”

Biting his bottom lip, Noctis glanced to the side. “I-I’d like that… if I can find the time.”

Crowe could only snort as Nyx tugged the prince closer and nuzzled him. “Or I can just prince-nap you.” Smiling up at the glaive, Noctis nodded. “Good, now eat.”

It was a little over an hour later, when they’d stuffed themselves with food and beer, that they parted company. Making their way back up the stairs, Noctis kept a tight hold on the glaives hand seeing that the streets were busier than they had been earlier. Continuing to walk, Nyx entertained the young prince by pointing to local businesses that he was a patron of. He mentioned his favorite spot for breakfast, who had the best fruit, bread and even the local blacksmith that kept his weapons up to snuff. Noctis listened, honestly interested by such normal day to day routines because it was so different from the life he led.

“This way little prince.” Going through a very narrow alley, they ducked under a few low hanging plants and ended up at some stairs.

As they descended, Noct could help but ask, “How did you even find this place?”

“Mostly from getting lost a lot when I first moved here.” The two ended up on a small dock, as he pointed up. “They have fireworks at night and you get a great view from here.” The prince looked where he was pointing, waiting for the show to start as he shivered lightly. Noticing that he hadn’t brought a coat with him, probably because Nyx hadn’t mentioned it, he pulled him close. “Is that any better, little prince.”

“Yes, thank you.”

“Anything for you.” Cuddling against him, a loud whistle echoed in the canyon around them, a cracking followed as the sky lit up with color. The two stood in silence, just enjoying the show until Nyx bowed his head to speak. “This reminds me of your eyes.”

Looking away from the show above them, Noctis glanced at the glaive holding him. “How do fireworks remind you of my eyes.”

“Mm,” Pale ice met the prince’s dark hues, watching him for a few seconds. “Your eyes,” He noted the flush rising on Noctis cheeks as he spoke. “they are a beautiful dark blue, like the night sky. I can see the power that your family wields flowing through you like the blood in your veins. It’s like…sparks of silver and blue making waves that swirl across the darkness.” Tilting his head, the prince turned in his arms to watch the glaive closer. “I first saw it when I saved your life when I was laying over you. I saw fear, but I also saw power…and I thought - ah, this little prince will blow us all away one day. But it was more than that, I felt I could see your heart in your eyes and it seemed so fragile…” His words tapered away, lifting up a hand to brush back dark bangs as he continued to stare at Prince.

“Nyx,” Frowning when he didn’t respond, Noctis poked him in the chest. “Glaive!”

“I’m sorry, what? I keep getting lost in your eyes.”

Tossing him a look of annoyance, Noctis stood on his toes and placed a gentle kiss on the corner of Nyx mouth. “You earned it, but Crowe is right.”

“Right?”

“You honestly can go from romantic and heartfelt to cheesy as fuck at the drop of a hat.”

Nyx couldn’t deny that one. Pulling him closer, he placed a kiss to the pale forehead. “You don’t seem to mind… come on, my little prince, let’s get you home.”

){°•○•°}(

#nyx ulric #noctis lucis caelum #nyxnoct #ffxv fanfic #ffxv fanfiction #ffxv fic #logicdive #logicdive writes #ckyking #crowe altius #pelna khara

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joellbarham85 · 5 years ago

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Alumni Spotlight: Carrie A.

Hello. My name is Carrie and I am a grateful alcoholic/addict in recovery. Growing up my life was far from normal. I grew up in a trailer park in Ohio with an alcoholic/pill addict mother and cocaine-addicted father. We would often go without heat, water, and food. My upbringing brought forth a lot of pain, discomfort, along with a few instances of sexual abuse.

Even before I ever touched a drug or alcohol, I knew something was wrong with me. I battled with severe depression and can remember attempting suicide by the time I was eight years old. I had attempted to beat my head in with a heavy book and tried to hang myself with my blankie. Fortunately, those attempts were unsuccessful.

By the time I was 12, I had lost my virginity and began drinking and smoking marijuana. My mother suffered from severe mental illness along with her addiction, causing a lot of turmoil in my life. She would send men or teenage boys into my room while I was sleeping and encouraged me to be sexually active. Fortunately, even as a young woman, I was quite feisty and would fight off any advances. She believed that I would make an excellent stripper when I grew up, which caused me to develop an exceptionally low sense of self-worth and confusion. I have a vivid memory of when I turned 13, she had tried to convince me to commit double suicide with her and end it all. Shortly after that incident, she attempted suicide on her own. I was alone in the home with her and one of my friends. She took 40+ Xanax and drank a fifth of vodka. Child Protective Services were called but it never went any further than an investigation.

My parents decided to pull me from school and “homeschool” me in the 7th grade. In all reality, I had dropped out of school and never completed another grade. At this point, I had turned to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain. By the time I was 13/14, I was doing ecstasy 3-4 times a week, smoking pot every day, and doing any drug that was put in front of me. A drug was a drug, did not matter what it was if I could numb the torment and discontent from within.

Fortunately, my father had cleaned up and stopped using cocaine. He worked three jobs and was never home to see or witness the dysfunction. If he had known what was occurring within the home, I know he would have tried to stop it. When he was home, everything was relatively normal. He would not allow men or teenagers into the home and would not allow anyone to bring drugs into the home unless it were pills for my mother. Since I was deep into my addiction, this caused a strain on my relationship with him. I wanted to get high and since I had practically raised myself, I refused to take any direction from either parent.

While I was in my addiction, at 14 years old, I met an older man who preyed on my situation. He was indeed a pedophile and manipulated me in any way he could. I will not go into details, but his control went on until I was 16 years old. I had cut all ties with my friends and family and felt very alone and trapped. One day, I had the gift of clarity and I recognized the relationship with this man for what it was. I immediately seized communication with him and was able to get myself clean from drugs, other than marijuana.

It was at this time I decided to date an old friend of mine who was the same age. My thought process did not care about his personality much, but the fact that we were the same age, and both smoked pot seemed like the normal route to go. As we dated, my mother became gravely ill from her addiction and was dying of liver failure. She turned jaundice and had delusions. We did not have health insurance at the time, so the hospital sent her home without a care plan. She passed away a month before my 17th birthday.

The abnormal relationship with my mother caused a lot of co-dependency. Even though she was the mother, I played that same role for her. I took care of her. I would always check to make sure she was still breathing and alive. After she passed, I was lost. Who would I care for now? Surely not myself. I needed to care for someone else. My boyfriend and I decided to try and get pregnant and it was a success.

This was a huge blessing. I remained clean and sober, refrained from marijuana use and alcohol. I never wanted my child to go through what I had to endure. While I was able to stay sober and take on the mother role, my boyfriend did not seize to stop partying. He continued with his old lifestyle of smoking marijuana and drinking and partying with friends. The parent role seemed too much for him and he would act out in fits of rage, putting holes in the walls and screaming at our baby. I decided enough was enough and I left him when my child was around two.

Around this time, I turned 21. I did not want to smoke marijuana, but I enjoyed drinking. Little did I realize that I was an alcoholic in the making. There were many precursors that I would become an alcoholic, but I did not recognize the signs. I would drink until blackout and have no recollection of the night before. Once the alcohol would hit my lips, it would never be enough. I would pass out at the bar and my friends would have to carry me home. I would wake up with anxiety, fear, shame, and regret, never knowing what I had done or said. Eventually, those heavy drinking nights caught up with me and I was sexually assaulted on my birthday. Of course, I blamed myself in true alcoholic/co-dependent fashion and decided the best course of action would be to run away.

At this time, my sons’ father left for boot camp. I knew that he could not hurt me in the way I had just experienced. The next time he called, I told him how much I wanted him back and we married within a few short months.

We moved to North Carolina and life was good. I was sober, married, and had a family. In 2011, I became pregnant with our middle daughter and nursed her for a year, which aided to my sobriety. I was blessed with another pregnancy in 2013 and nursed her for over a year as well. This was my motivation to be sober for about four years, although at this point I still did not believe myself to be an alcoholic.

Eventually, we received military orders to Fort Benning, GA for my husband to become a Drill SGT. I had stopped nursing and started drinking occasionally, just on the weekends with a group of friends and it was manageable. I still drank until I passed out or blacked out, but it was not a regular occurrence.

I managed to hold everything together but, in the meantime, my husband was changing into a person I no longer knew. Yes, he always had a temper, but he would bring his Drill Sgt. persona back home with him. He started to become verbally and emotionally abusive once again. It took its toll and I had started battling with my depression once again.

Within a couple of years, we received military orders for Alaska, and I was apprehensive about coming along. I knew that as soon as I arrived in Alaska, he was to be deployed. With my depression and our marriage on the rocks, I did not know how I could handle going into an Alaskan winter, alone with no support and 3 children. He told me that if I did not go along with him, he would divorce me. I was not ready to give up on our marriage yet, so we packed up and moved to Alaska.

Upon our arrival, we decided to buy a house. We lived in a hotel for over a month which was a strain in and of itself. The hotel did provide free alcohol every night though, and that was a plus for a potential alcoholic like me. After we moved into our home, I discovered that my husband was cheating on me with women on craigslist since we arrived in Alaska. A week after my discovery, he deployed to Afghanistan.

I resorted to the old coping mechanism that I had as a teenager. This time instead of drugs, it was alcohol. I drank to numb the pain and it spiraled out of control quickly. I gained a lot of weight and when my husband returned from his deployment, he was in shock at how I now looked. I was no longer the skinny fit wife. I was destroyed from the inside out.

He started becoming even more verbally, emotionally, and financially abusive. I was repeatedly told I was a fat disgusting waste of life. I amounted to nothing. During this time, Alaska had an exceptionally large 7.0 earthquake and everything was shut down. I went and bought a ton of alcohol and started drinking from the time I woke up until I passed out. I started to get the shakes in the morning and took Klonopin to ease the symptoms until I could drink again.

I had tried to stop on my own, but no matter how much willpower I had, it was of no use. I finally got the gift of desperation and was ready to end my life. I had a plan but luckily a friend happened to call me before I could follow through. It was then that I realized I needed to get help. The next day I searched treatment centers and by the grace of God, I found Transformations.

I left for treatment on April 28th, 2019, and have remained sober ever since. Transformations allowed me to work through a lot of personal problems and were a starting point for discovering the underlying causes of my addictions and alcoholism. Transformation got me sober, but AA has kept me sober.

When I left treatment and arrived back in Alaska, I had no intention of going to AA. I thought of AA as a cult. Luckily, a friend had convinced me to attend a meeting. I received such a vast amount of support from everyone there and immediately got a sponsor. The one key component I had to help me in AA was willingness. I did not need to believe that it would work, I just needed to have a willingness to do the steps and hope that maybe it will work for me.

I jumped into the steps with both feet and worked the program to the best of my ability. Steps 1,2 and 3 came very naturally but when I did Step 4, I learned so much about myself and why I made so many choices that put me where I am today. I continued working the steps and within a few months, the 9th step promises came true.

It is imperative that I continue to help other alcoholics and addicts. I know that I cannot keep the peace and serenity I have without giving back to others. I sponsor women, continue to do service work, and stay connected with my sober support. I also pray daily and still routinely check in with my sponsor.

AA and sobriety have done so much more for me than keep me sober. AA and the principles have completely transformed my way of life for the better. Because of AA and the steps, I have been able to accomplish and go through so many trials within my first year of sobriety. I am going through a divorce, my aunt had brain cancer, we lost a family friend at a young age in a motorcycle accident and lost a family member to coronavirus. I have been able to stay sober through it all and face these trials with a bit of grace.

By turning everything over to my higher power and letting go absolutely, my life has turned into something better than I ever could have imagined. Thanks to the program and treatment, my children have their mother back, I have an amazing relationship with another member in AA and I have been able to be a fellow friend to those around me. If I trust God, clean house, and help others, I can continue to be all these things and more. I trust in God’s will, not my own and I no longer live in fear. When I turn everything over to my higher power, my life continues to amaze me. My life continues to get better by the day, and I could not be more grateful.

If you’re an alumnus of Transformations and you’re struggling, PLEASE, reach out. We are ALWAYS here for you!

The post Alumni Spotlight: Carrie A. appeared first on Transformations Treatment Center.

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