#and when is it just perpetuating self-destructive attachment patterns

[onelongsound]

Shira

Watercolor and gouache on paper 2002

[edwardgdunn]

Mind Over Programming: How Critical Thinking Can Unlock Your Future

Introduction:

The experiences and influences of our youth play a significant role in shaping our beliefs, values, and behaviors. However, not all of these influences are positive or beneficial, and sometimes, they can lead to destructive programming. Overcoming such programming requires a powerful tool: critical thinking. In this blog post, we will explore the importance of critical thinking in breaking free from harmful mental patterns, acknowledge the difficulties one may encounter along the way, and highlight the remarkable benefits of embracing a more analytical mindset. Supported by scientific studies, we’ll discover how critical thinking empowers individuals to redefine their beliefs and pave the way for personal growth and transformation.

The Impact of Youth Programming:

Our upbringing and experiences during youth heavily influence our worldviews, decision-making processes, and emotional responses. The programming we receive can come from various sources, including parents, teachers, peers, and the media. While some programming may be positive and empowering, others can be detrimental, leading to limiting beliefs, irrational fears, and unhealthy coping mechanisms. Destructive programming can manifest as biased thinking, irrational beliefs, and an unwillingness to question ingrained notions. These patterns can restrict personal growth, hinder healthy relationships, and perpetuate negative thought cycles. However, recognizing these influences is just the first step in breaking free from them.

The Power of Critical Thinking:

Critical thinking is the ability to objectively and analytically evaluate information, question assumptions, and reach well-informed conclusions. It serves as a mental tool to challenge the validity of beliefs and concepts we were conditioned to accept without scrutiny. By applying critical thinking, individuals can gain a clearer understanding of themselves and the world around them, fostering personal development and transformation.

Difficulties in Overcoming Destructive Programming:

Overcoming destructive programming from our youth is not an easy task. It requires self-awareness, courage, and a willingness to face uncomfortable truths. Here are some common challenges individuals may encounter:

Cognitive Dissonance: Confronting beliefs that contradict one’s deeply ingrained programming can lead to cognitive dissonance, causing discomfort and psychological tension. This internal conflict arises when new information challenges pre-existing beliefs, causing individuals to experience stress and anxiety.

Emotional Attachment: Emotional ties to the beliefs and values learned in youth can make it difficult to let go of harmful programming, even when it no longer serves us. Emotional attachment can create a sense of identity and security tied to certain beliefs, making it challenging to consider alternative viewpoints.

Social Pressure: Family and peer groups may resist changes in belief systems, leading to external pressure to maintain the status quo. The fear of rejection or judgment from loved ones can discourage individuals from questioning long-held beliefs.

Fear of Isolation: The fear of being ostracized or feeling isolated from one’s community can deter individuals from questioning prevailing ideologies. Human beings have a natural desire for acceptance and belonging, and the prospect of being shunned for challenging norms can be intimidating.

The Benefits of Embracing Critical Thinking:

Despite the challenges, the rewards of embracing critical thinking are profound and far-reaching:

Enhanced Problem-Solving: Critical thinking fosters a more rational and objective approach to problem-solving, enabling individuals to make better decisions in various aspects of life. When faced with complex situations, critical thinkers are more adept at dissecting the issue, identifying multiple solutions, and evaluating potential outcomes.

Improved Relationships: By critically examining their own beliefs and behaviors, individuals can develop healthier and more empathetic relationships with others. The ability to consider alternative perspectives and engage in constructive dialogue fosters understanding and cooperation, leading to more meaningful connections.

Empowerment: Critical thinking empowers individuals to take control of their own lives, unburdened by limiting beliefs imposed by others. This sense of empowerment leads to greater agency and the ability to align actions with personal values and goals.

Personal Growth: Challenging destructive programming opens doors to personal growth, leading to increased self-confidence and a greater sense of purpose. As individuals expand their understanding of the world and themselves, they become more resilient, adaptable, and open to new experiences.

Resilience to Misinformation: In an era of information overload and fake news, critical thinking acts as a shield against misinformation and manipulation. Individuals who employ critical thinking skills are more capable of discerning credible sources, fact-checking information, and avoiding falling victim to the spread of false narratives.

Scientific Studies on Critical Thinking:

Numerous scientific studies have highlighted the benefits of critical thinking:

A study published in the Journal of Educational Psychology (2021) explored the impact of critical thinking instruction on college students. The results showed that students who received critical thinking training demonstrated improvements in their problem-solving abilities and analytical skills. The researchers concluded that critical thinking training positively influences academic performance and enhances cognitive abilities.

Research published in the Journal of Applied Social Psychology (2020) investigated the relationship between critical thinking and emotional intelligence. The study found that individuals with higher levels of critical thinking exhibited greater emotional awareness and regulation, leading to improved interpersonal relationships. The researchers suggested that critical thinking plays a crucial role in managing emotions and understanding the emotions of others.

A meta-analysis published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (2018) examined the link between critical thinking and decision-making. The findings revealed that individuals with higher critical thinking abilities made more effective and rational decisions across various domains. The researchers emphasized the significance of critical thinking in navigating complex decisions and problem-solving scenarios.

Conclusion:

The journey to overcome destructive programming of our youth through critical thinking is not an easy one, but it is undoubtedly a transformative and empowering path. By challenging deeply ingrained beliefs, individuals can unleash their full potential, making informed decisions, nurturing empathy, and fostering personal growth. The scientific evidence supporting the benefits of critical thinking reinforces its significance in navigating the complexities of modern life, distinguishing fact from fiction, and building a more cohesive and compassionate society.

As individuals embrace critical thinking, they equip themselves with the tools needed to question assumptions, break free from limiting programming, and engage with the world in a more meaningful and profound way. The journey of critical thinking is ongoing, with each new challenge presenting an opportunity for growth and self-discovery. By encouraging critical thinking in ourselves and others, we pave the way for a brighter future, where minds are liberated from destructive influences, and curiosity becomes the compass guiding us toward a more enlightened and compassionate world. Embracing critical thinking is not just a personal endeavor; it is a collective effort to build a society rooted in reason, empathy, and continuous learning.

Check out the Happiness 2.0 Podcast — https://podcast.edwardgdunn.com/

Happiness 2.0 Blog — https://edwardgdunn.com/blog

[ibex-ascendant]

I finally read Spotlight: Megatron, and, far from making his MtMtE development seem too abrupt, it sealed the deal on its believability for me.

What we come to understand from this little interlude is that Megatron has literally no close or healthy relationships. We know why, due to later revelations in MtMtE: his loss of Terminus taught him ‘not to get attached’. He even resents Soundwave, who is his most genuinely loyal lieutenant. The closest thing he has to a ‘normal’ relationship with anyone is Starscream, and it’s an abusive one. In which Megatron is the unequivocal abuser and holds all the power. (Here is some excellent meta on Megatron’s relationship with Starscream, with which I agree completely.)

And the thing is, Megatron’s not a psychopath. (That is, a person with shallow emotions who is literally incapable of forming meaningful bonds or feeling any kind of shame/remorse.) Not like Overlord is. Not like Shockwave became after being subjected to Shadowplay. Megatron has certainly acquired a taste for sadism over the course of the war, but he didn’t start in that place. He genuinely cared for others at one point in his life. (In a way that didn’t cause him to resent the objects of his affection, like he does with Starscream.) Indeed, he’s chosen to isolate himself precisely because he doesn’t want to deal with the pain of loss again. And it’s made him completely miserable. For all his pretty rhetoric, his war is ultimately a temper tantrum. A ‘riot’, as Starscream says in MtMtE. And Megatron has convinced himself that happiness waits for him on the other side. 

But once victory is in his grasp, he finally begins to understand that he’s been lying to himself. Because he doesn’t know how to be happy. His clumsy, last-ditch efforts to reignite the war in Robots in Disguise show just how right Starscream was in All Hail Megatron: Megatron has no clue what to do once the war is over. What he described to Optimus in Chaos Theory is one big empty platitude. It’s very likely that he’s been subconsciously sabotaging himself for eons, just to keep the war going longer.

This is why I think Megatron’s arc in Dark Cybertron is really just him being tired. The well of hatred that he’s been using to sustain himself for 4 million years has finally run dry. At this point in his life, with his legacy revealed to be a sham, hating somebody like Bumblebee -- and constantly lying to himself -- takes emotional energy that he just doesn’t have anymore. 

This is the state he’s in when he joins the Lost Light: only bothering to put up a token effort to postpone his inevitable execution in order to spite Starscream. And joining the Autobots because he lacks the energy to even attempt to walk an unbeaten path.

Then, while on the Lost Light -- for the first time since his days as a miner -- he has actual relationships again. And, at this point, I think it’s still largely due to sheer exhaustion. Because Megatron is not a psychopath. For him, ‘not getting attached’ takes effort. So, for the first time in his life, Megatron basically falls headfirst into a support network. (I don’t count Terminus, since that relationship was manipulative and toxic in its own right.) And he finds, to his immense shock, that it actually makes him happy.

Which only serves to reinforce his regrets. Because he realizes that he’s wasted 4 million years doing nothing but perpetuating his own misery, while doing everything in his power to spread that misery around. 

Sometimes, it takes a drastic shift in environment to get one to see the toxic and self-destructive patterns in one’s life. Had Megatron not been sent out on the Lost Light, I think there’s a very good chance that he would have returned to his old ways. He couldn’t have possibly realized just how miserable he’d been until he had a point of reference to compare it to. And once he’d found that sense of peace at last, there was no going back for him. Because his motives were never selfless, no matter how much he convinced his followers that they were. If they had been, the Decepticon cause would’ve never devolved so far into sadistic depravity. From the very start, his ‘cause’ was ultimately about his own self-actualization. 

So when he found that actualization on the Lost Light instead, his change of heart was irreversible. 

In short: by showing just how toxic Megatron’s relationships with his inner circle were, Spotlight: Megatron brought into stark relief precisely why the Lost Light had such a profound impact on Megatron as a character.

[pipesflowforeverandever]

11 and 7 :0c

11: What do you like best about this fic?

Of the fic itself: The gradual buildup to and then the reveal of anything to do with Joey; delving into Sammy’s religiosity and mindset; creating a female character I can be proud of.

Of writing it: Seeing people analyze it and see everything I intended and then some, and then gush about it. 

7: Where did the title come from?

As a heads up, a lot of these refer to things in each arc so if you don’t want spoilers for parts you haven’t read (and don’t want to be spoiled ofc), I wouldn’t read about the titles you haven’t gotten through yet. It especially includes the major plot twist in ARITR and the end/climax of the whole series.

Hymns of Struggle: This was the very first thing I had to name, and I don’t remember a lot about the process, but I think I was just especially thinking of things I wanted to convey in a way that sounds good. “Hymns” fits both musicality and religiosity, and “Struggle” conveys a feeling of, well, struggle. And together, I intended to give the idea that people are praying through their suffering, with hope (either pointless or good).

Wonders of Heresy: I wanted to keep the same basic rhythm in titles, so this is where the pattern (blank) of (blank) starts. This in particular is supposed to point out the things Francine brings that are amazing, even if they distract or go against Sammy’s faith. This goes for both her phone and new knowledge as well as her meeting Alice. I also think it especially fits the very last chapter where Sammy is trying to teach Francine how to sing/pray to the ink demon and she just… *plop* to the floor like a little kid.

Parables of Empathy: I already knew ahead of time I wanted this part to be about Francine getting to know Alice and the Projectionist better. “Parables” in this case refers to biblical lessons meant to be modeled after, and so this part is about trials Francine (and Sammy secondarily) goes through that she and others will learn from and use in the future.

Flickers of Faith: “Flickers” simultaneously refers to a flame dying and a flame sparking to life; it’s an in between state and by the name alone, you can’t really tell where you are. It’s precarious, and dangerous, and the characters both physically and emotionally are threatened. My first chapter for it is called “The Last Stair,” which tries to convey the idea that sometimes the in-between is more distressing than whatever outcome is next. And so, Sammy for the first time has doubts in his faith, and Francine for the first time begins to question what Sammy has told her and goes out to test it herself.

Tides of Longing: In Flickers of Faith, I use the title here to refer to Francine’s want of something more eating something up Sammy holds dear- if I recall right, his sense of security in the ink demon. Here, I use it to also refer to a recently revealed Joey swallowing the studio up in his curse because he longed for his son. Joey, Sammy, and Francine are all shown here to deeply want something, and they face the moral complications of the pursuit of it.

Cares of Communion: In a way similar to Parables, I knew I wanted to talk about people “communing” or talking and being together. I knew I wanted Francine to talk to Joey again- inevitably so, as they are both very drawn to one another despite justified apprehensions on both sides- and I wanted Sammy to talk to Alice after Francine met with her again. This is probably my weakest title choice, but it’s still not necessarily bad imo because it sounds good and rolls off the tongue. I want to say I changed the title at least three times, even after posting chapter 1 of it.

Dances of Duality: I was talking at either @startistdoodles or @aceofintuition‘s stream and I was asking for ideas for titles of upcoming arcs in general, and Ace suggested either the whole title or at least the Dances part. In this section, I try to make it more apparent that something deeper is happening, that there is mirroring between Joey and the rest of his studio and between Francine and Henry. 

“Dances” is both literal and figurative, of course; it can both be something fun and intimate as well as an analogy to dodging one another in a fight- predicting their next move. It goes for Joey especially as he does his best to analyze Francine while simultaneously marveling at the warmth she brings other people, and so Joey ends of in one moment letting himself go and allowing himself to enjoy the otherwise horrid, murderous whimsy/power of the studio with her…and in another moment he has to predict what she is going to do, and what the demon is going to do. And well. I actually already drafted two dancing moments prior to writing this arc, so “dances” kind of fell in my lap…and especially so with Sammy’s dance mirroring Joey’s.

A Rock in the River: I had a big, long talk with Ace about this one. I was pretty attached to the title pattern at this point, but they convinced me that the finale needed something different, because something different is happening in a major way for the story and the characters. And so the title itself represents that- a change. The path of life is being redirected by something towards another direction. 

We first came up with the idea that something nature based and/or like a fairy tale is fitting, and a lot of the analogies I use of such things (candles, bodies of water, trees, rain, etc) would be brought full circle. In particular, I was thinking about the second or third chapter of Tides where Joey is described as having the belief that time is like a river, and when Henry left, fate was going in the wrong direction. Joey had faith in magic and believed that it brought him and Henry together, and therefore as a man of magic, he had the ability to change the flow of fate and put things where they were supposed to be. Of course, he only ends up in the most ironic way shifting it entirely away with his selfishness and lack of introspection, and so no one was allowed to continue living as their were supposed to not just as employees but as human beings with proper bodies and souls that can rest in death. Time is askew and means nothing to the studio, and this is not a world these people are meant to be in. 

There’s a few people that I could say are the “rock” that comes and changes everything to the way it’s truly supposed to be; most obviously, Francine brings about change and it’s entirely plausible the studio would not be set free if not for her influence. But I also really wanna give credit to Sammy, for one. Sammy goes against everything he’s taught himself to emotionally survive what he’s been through for nearly a century- he runs away with his faith and believes in himself and his friend. He basically kills his “god” in order to set himself free, he is the change he prayed for.

 …I really, really need to mention Henry too, though. Henry changed the studio- his game-canon arrival creating the setup of Hymns- but also in his own personal story, he sought for his dad and ultimately left again after realizing (one way or another) that he not only did not change in a way that mattered- and actually got even worse as his destruction created an eternal cycle of self-hatred and perpetuated harm and possessiveness. I haven’t written about this yet, but Henry presumably had to struggle with the aftermath of his decision and try to reconcile the truth that he did what was good for himself and his family. And in the end, Henry survived and left the studio, and he had his own peace living a full life with a loving family. And Joey realizing Henry in spite of Joey’s mistakes still had his own life in his hands of course couldn’t take back everything the 50 years of believing he killed his son did to him emotionally and to the studio, but it managed to undo the knot for Joey to let go; he let go of his son, and his son saw the sun again, and so could everyone else without him. 

It’s also less directly relevant, but I feel I should be fair and give a shoutout to Alice for changing too, going from someone that harms others because she believes they’re wasting away anyway- using their bodies to make herself who she wants to be- to someone willing to throw away the body she’s worked so hard for and put her fate into someone else’s hands. She learned to love, and to let someone care for her instead even after being reaffirmed in her first life and the eternal one that no one was really looking out for her.

As another note, I also already planned out the ending where everyone is released at Joey’s “heart”- or his sacred childhood home in a beautiful, natural scene like a fairy tale, and so the title helped wrap everything full circle that way too.

[bimboficationblues]

I'm technically new to all this political stuff, so I hope you can help me out! - How would you briefly explain to someone why capitalism is bad? Why is the US also bad, and how would you respond to someone who claims that it is a "free country" and that we "at least have the freedom of speech and the freedom to protest", etc. I'm very bad with words, I'm just a dumb kid. Sorry for bothering, and thank you. (:

I will answer these questions, but first off, I would say - read, listen, think. Ultimately it’s better if you can develop your own conclusions through a mutual dialogue and learning process with others rather than getting your talking points entirely from others, especially on a social media platform. But if you want resources or recommendations from others, Tumblr can be useful, and I’m happy to provide if you want.

As for answering your questions, it really depends: who is the person you’re talking to, and what do you want out of the conversation? Not everybody has the same interests or concerns or values, and sometimes they’re intractable for whatever reason. So there are other factors that should be taken into account. If you’re just trying to “win” a discussion, I don’t personally think that’s a worthwhile use of time - but if you are trying to convince someone interpersonally or just get better at clarifying your own perspective for the future, that could be valuable.

So, answering your questions under the cut:

How would you briefly explain to someone why capitalism is bad?

A) Capitalism stifles human freedom, and does so in both passive and active forms. This seems counterintuitive because capitalism is peddled as the fulfillment of human freedom (by way of innovation and freedom of choice - Friedrich Hayek and Milton Friedman have claimed that so-called “economic freedom” is a necessary condition for political freedoms), so bear with me.

Passive forms: In order to live under capitalism, most people have to work - and for that matter, they have to tailor skills and interests to be rewarded on the labor-market. Furthermore, since capitalism is predicated on the principle of private property, some kind of state is necessary to enforce that principle through the law, and the state and law are blatantly forms of social control (see David Harvey’s A Brief History of Neoliberalism for more info on this). As a Christian myself, this is the essence of idolatry. The capitalist world-system was made by humans, ostensibly to serve human needs, but is both bad at serving those needs in many ways (for reasons to be explained below) and uses us as the fodder for its self-perpetuation! 

And this generates alienation. There is nothing necessarily “wrong” with depending on other people - humans are social creatures and are themselves influenced by the conditions under which they live no matter what those conditions are. But when your labor and the product of your labor benefits others far better than it sustains you, when you are pushed to view all other people as competitors, when you are subjected to various forms of interpersonal and structural domination (detailed below), this produces quite a bit of psychological distress. (Mark Fisher’s Capitalist Realism and Deleuze & Guattari’s Capitalism and Schizophrenia touch on these in different ways.)

Active forms: Historically, in order to get people to be wage laborers, they had to be forced to do so - in England, which is generally regarded as the birthplace of capitalist modernity, laws were established to oblige people to work for a certain period and punish them if they didn’t. Similar legislation cropped up in Germany and France. And, of course, there was also the trans-Atlantic slave trade, the abuse and exploitation of indigenous populations throughout the Americas and the Caribbean, the confinement of women to the household for free labor. Though not all contemporary evils are the result of capitalism, they have all been shaped by capitalism. Primordial prejudices and mistreatment of “aliens” has been around for a long time, but anti-black racism and “scientific” racism developed out of the economic functions of slavery and capitalist development; though patriarchy predates capitalism considerably, it has been absorbed and reproduced by capitalism’s dynamics. 

One of the common selling points for capitalism is the voluntary character of the contracts, but again, I don’t think it’s a meaningful choice when your other options are “starve” and “beg.” But let’s grant that people enter into voluntary employment contracts to sustain themselves. Within those contracts, bosses behave like dictators, and this is a pattern of both small businesses and large corporations precisely because they want to get as much work and value out of you as they can in order to make a profit. (Vivek Chibber’s book Postcolonial Theory and the Specter of Capital, while not about interpersonal domination by capitalists and employers, has a great chapter on the subject - “Capital’s Universalizing Tendency.”)

Now, although the standard of living and wages for American workers has been rising for a long time (only recently stagnating despite the growth in productivity, again the result of the neoliberal turn in the 70s and 80s), we have seen the most brutal forms of exploitation and domination displaced to other places - Southeast Asia, China, India, and Latin America being the most prominent cases. And still, as the article linked above demonstrates, there are lots of forms of interpersonal domination still going on in an American context.

B) Capitalism is anti-democratic. The concentration of wealth into a select few hands, and the associated political and social power that has become attached to greater social wealth, means that wealthier people have greater access to political power and influence. The Koch Brothers are probably the best example of this, though lobbying in general is an expression of this function. I’m not going to spend a lot of time on this one because I think it’s the least compelling argument personally even though I agree with it, but it is a popular and common one!

C) Capitalism is also fundamentally irrational. I think this is true in the way that we think about value and the way capitalism generates regular crises, but I’ll just use one example.

The convenient thing about money, as both Locke and Marx point out, is that it is potentially infinite unlike other resources. There is the possibility of limitless growth, of maximum expansion - which is why the capitalist mode of production began in Western Europe and the United States and has since spread around the world. (There is, of course, no such thing as limitless growth for anything, except perhaps cancer.) But capitalism takes this possibility as gospel and as a result, will do anything to maximize growth. 

Sometimes those things are good for working people (farm subsidies enabling cheap food - though without those subsidies there would probably be a famine from capitalists not investing capital in food production). More often they aren’t, whether that’s mistreatment of workers, lowering or stagnating wages, destruction of the environment, or outright warfare. Plus, because there is a limit to natural desires or even luxury desires, capitalists have to constantly concoct new desires for us to latch onto, which is why so much money is sunk into advertising.And this is not merely the result of the ethical whims or personal behaviors of individual capitalists (though those do factor in), but the necessary and logical result of a mode of production that has an internal logic of constant, endless reproduction.

Why is the US also bad? how would you respond to someone who claims that it is a “free country” and that we “at least have the freedom of speech and the freedom to protest”, etc.

This is, paradoxically, an easier argument to make empirically but a harder case to sell because American nationalism and American exceptionalism are pretty ubiquitous, and they’ve only gotten more intractable in the past four or five decades. It really depends on what you mean by “bad,” anyway. On one level, the United States is not that different from any other state historically (since they are usually founded through violence and domination) or contemporarily (since they all act in their own geopolitical interests, and that often means fucking other people over undeservedly).

But, on another level: The United States- were built on indigenous and later African slavery- regularly violated treaties or used duplicitous means to gain access to Native American land for investment and expansion purposes- deployed genocidal tactics and sexual violence against Native Americans throughout the expansion process (especially in California and the Southeast)- fabricated a reason to wage war on Mexico to seize territory from it- botched Reconstruction after the end of formal slavery while still allowing black Americans to be abused and exploited and criminalized en masse- had racial policies that the Nazis found inspirational- engaged in imperialist warfare in the Caribbean at the turn of the century- overthrew the Kingdom of Hawaii for economic reasons- nuked a Japanese civilian target (TWICE) when their surrender was already in the cards- used its new hegemony to start launching coups against (mostly democratically elected and socialist-leaning) governments (Iran, Guatemala, Chile)- held the rest of the world in a hostage situation alongside the Soviet Union by threatening nuclear annihilation- waged war on Vietnam after violating the agreement to allow democratic elections and unification to take place- illegally bombed Cambodia and enabled the Khmer Rouge to gain traction- financed Islamist fighters against the Soviet Union that were the precursors of al-Qaeda- engaged in Iran-Contra, basically the shadiest thing in existence, and failed to deliver any real consequences to the people involved - supported and continues to support dictators (Batista, Saddam Hussein, etc.) as well as death squads (right-wing paramilitaries in Latin America)- has the highest incarceration rate in the world- has massively expanded the surveillance and police apparatuses since 9/11- invaded Iraq under false pretenses and let Islamic State develop out of the chaos

This is just a minor selection. And to top it all off, the Constitution of the United States is designed to make government as dysfunctional and anti-democratic as possible. The powers of the President have been perpetually expanding for a long time, and the Supreme Court is such a shamelessly broken, unaccountable institution that I cannot believe we take it seriously. The Supreme Court’s rulings on free speech have been up-and-down, often determined by war and nationalism, and the social backlash and hostility to political protest every time the United States goes to war suggests that even with the freedom of assembly granted by the Constitution, nationalism takes priority over freedoms.

This post is long enough, but if you (or anyone else) want me to elaborate on anything I’ve said here, feel free to ask.

[zen-garden-gnome]

Brain-dump about the concept of “spirit”

The human experience is a unified collection of forces, and teasing them apart can be destructive. Inversely, finding ways to notice and reunite them can be quite healing. In studying, synthesizing, and practicing relationships with these forces across numerous human frameworks, I’ve outlined a set of artificial boundaries that help me interact with more of myself and my world. Writing it helps me cap my thoughts, so here goes.

I’ve taken to referring to these forces as cosmic, earth-body, and heart-mind, and spirits.

Our cosmic patterns are those that scale out to the larger systems around us. Sometimes we see these as the energy patterns created and dispersed by relationships between galaxies and black holes. Sometimes we see these as the “molds” for zodiac archetypes. Sometimes we see these as the winds and interactions created by solar radiation. Sometimes as atmospheric activity that make life-bearing environments possible. Like the breath of the universe at various scales, these large patterns drive movement and therefore spirit into everything. Their priorities are long-term, lending themselves to a kind of overarching memory without strong attachments or judgments, but with habits and preferences nonetheless. This spirit cycles into us and, like all cycles, must cycle back out again. For these reasons, I find these forces suitable for making references to the will of ancestors and the cosmic energy that sparked them (and me) into motion. If I were a Christian, perhaps I’d call this the “Father” (the gendering of this concept is... just... the worst). In Buddhist terms, I’d call this “indestructible wind.” Perhaps if I were Buryat shaman, I’d call this “Ami.” I think of it as an ongoing spirit of intention and creation, and if it’s lost, I imagine this individual human experience ends.

Our earth-body patterns readily lend themselves to a geometric, fractal-like mental image (although truly, all of these forces do). We observe these patterns as probabilities giving rise to particles; as elements forming habitats; as genetic information outlining our possible traits; and as food and molecules forming our cells and chemicals. This is a body constructed of innumerable other bodies, and these relationships give us a sense of form (both of individuation and of interdependence) and of relativity. These forms are transient, perpetually arising and falling away and recycling into the totality of other forms, all together. Always present but never the same, the eternal but impermanent body can also be seen as the environment (inside and out). A particular body wouldn’t really be said to reincarnate, as it is a form which exists only within the framework of the other forms around it. Rather, it’s recycled into new forms. Still, the constituents of any form are formed by the patterns around them, so while bodies don’t reincarnate, their patterns may be repeatedly observed and interacted with. These are cycles of fuel and waste. These are lattices of atomic bonds and cellular growth. These are spirits of nature and of place--of trees and rivers and mountains and reindeer and homo-sapiens-sapiens. Given to such observable form (and all the trappings therein), I liken the earth-body spirit to the Son of the Trinity, to the Indestructible Drop of the Buddha Dharma, and to the Buryat suld.

Our heart-mind patterns are those that can be scaled to our human behaviors, and to the mental, emotional, and actionable patterns therein. This force cycles into us through the patterns of our social environment, both present and intergenerational. It’s also imprinted and repeated in our physical environment (bodies included), making them easy to repeat but also highly malleable. I liken this spirit to cycles and paths of karma within and across lifetimes, and to behavior patterns that persist in certain mindsets. A heart-mind pattern is a persona, and although personas pop up over and over throughout history, they usually can be safely shed again and again within one lifetime, such as for growth, dream-exploration, or receptivity for broader inputs. A “person” is readily judged, both by others and by the self, and judgment can persist (and sometimes have the greatest impact) after a person’s death. In this way, heart-mind patterns return frequently and are “processed” between incarnations, like the processing of waste and rot under and through the living earth. If there’s an underworld, I bet our personas make the trek before climbing back out. Perhaps a Christian would recognize the expression of the Holy Spirit. Personally I’m reminded of the Indestructible Mind in Buddhism, and of the Buryat suns. If the heart-mind is the “vibe” created in the space in and around our bodies, then perhaps the atmosphere of the planet--with its weather and birdsong and pollution and spaciousness--is Earth’s heart-mind experience.

We are the experience of these overlapping, interwoven, semi-synced forces. Non-attachment and creative will can help us connect with our cosmic spirit. Grounding and self-exploration help us connect with our earth-body spirit. Compassion and therapy help us connect with our heart-mind spirit. These are simultaneous dimensions of our reality. But what experiences the experience? What rests behind the multi-dimensional layers of reality, pervading it all? Some say there is nothing else, that the experience is as much the subject as the object. Some say that God observes and inhabits. Some say that Awareness sits behind it all, and as there is always Something happening, there is always Awareness. When I stretch my mind, I feel these statements are describing the same thing.

[xieanshuo-blog]

Dream

By Anshuo Xie

May 20, 2016

The moon sheds her silver glory all over the earth, mountains and rivers. Remote and serene is the great dome of heaven. From the solitude of sky came a voice, clear and bright, as deep as the sound of the distant bell in the ravine, Echoing through the waving depth of the heart……

Discard complexity of concepts. Relax your senses and mind. You should know, Opinion and thought are but perceptions of the mind, Obscuring the reality of nature divine. Everything you see is the mind displaying the memory of itself. Past, present, and future, are an illusory continuity of “the seer” clinging to “the seen”. The thought-form of you is just like the dirt and dust that alights on the mirror of the mind. Wiping out the dust, the reality of life unfolds itself. From the memory of the mind, dreams arise, tangibly. Yet the mind itself is free of all dreams. Seeing yet nothing seen in itself. Seeing transcends the seen. Free from all that is seen, seeing pervades every sight,

With no distinction into any one sight. That is “I AM”.

So simple, “I AM”, That it can be not perceived by thoughts. So pure, the manifest of “I AM”, That it can be not touched by emotions. Within the illusory and defiled body-mind dwells the Supreme Reality, Shining forth through ignorance and habitual tendencies, Pure and effortless. Buddha-Nature is right here and now in your delusory mind, Radiating through lust and greed, Clear and transparent. No rational intellect was to reach me, Merely because consciousness is but the deluded state of primordial awareness. No endeavor was to attain me, Merely because divisive thoughts fabricate a misunderstanding of me. No experience was to describe me, Merely because every sensation places bondage that limits me. Everything is the grace of primordial awareness, Whereby the manifold dance of illusory forms appear in an endless succession. Yet pure awareness is detached from all deliberate action in the sphere of void.

Go forth and love your enemies. You should know, All enemies are created by the illusion of the mind filled with hatred. Misperception of your true self gives rise to love and hatred. As waves of the ocean blown and tossed by the wind, the mind of hatred casts the image of adversary. What you hate and hatred itself are inseparable. Loving your enemies is to forgive yourself. When the waves of hatred subside, the disturbed mind rests naturally at peace. The tranquil and peaceful state, Is “I AM”.

All lovers, relatives, and friends are but karmic debts of the mind, Like the tossing foam amid waves of the sea. It is the reflection of me in the taint of your love and desire that presents the kinship tangibly in your eyes. Purify your body-mind, let go the perpetual foaming of thoughts. When the foaming is dispersed, the ocean-swell is at one with its peaceful depths, As immense as the space illuminating the body and the mind. The spaciousness merges into the nothingness. That is “I AM”.

Open now the gate of your mind, widely, Let not the flow of rational thoughts shutter the light of awareness. Way of life is utterly simple and straight, As clear as the cloudless sky, As translucent as the blemish-free moon. It is your mental fabrication that inflicts life’s ups and downs, As if erecting a mountain barrier upon the open plain. A trace of doubt stripes a deep groove. A hair of craving upholds a great hill. An instant of hatred beckons frightening beasts (wolves, serpents, tigers, and leopards) A flicker of eros creates swamp and lake.

Forgetting your true self, You stagger around in a dream-land with a heart full of sufferings. Enticed by the lures of ignorance and cravings, you find yourself helpless and lonely. It is your craving and striving that perpetuate the dream-like Samsara, Forging all calamities and troubles. Leaving behind all bondage of selfish desires and dead habits, you come nearer to meet with me in yourself – the primal appearance of your true Self.

Let go of the ego, completely. Only then you embrace the life as a whole. The stream of life and death flows only in your mind. Liberate the fears that urge to protect yourself. Then the mind relaxed and gentle becomes the vast sea of great love. Great love transcends words. Great love implies truth. Great love raids demons. Great love dispels darkness. Great love is blessings, forgiveness, and self-discipline. Great love is the root of renunciation, the flow of divine light, the peaceful joy, the bliss of great fulfillment, and God ending all fears. When great love springs from within, reality unveils my face to you. Truly devote yourself without reservation and regret. The force of the ego that fuels all the suffering melts away. Sacred love enlightens the body and the mind, within and without. Accept what life brings, that is the face of “I AM”.

Absolute and natural, “I AM” the naked joy, the natural liberation, the transparent Now, and the tender peace. Beauty is insufficient to convey my gorgeousness.

Greatness is insufficient to assess my simplicity. “I AM” so self-evident, That the seeing, hearing, feeling, and knowing of sentient beings are all ultimate me. Yet, sentient beings are deluded by their own thinking, seeing, and knowing, and unaware of me. Merely because what they perceive defiles the utter simplicity of me. The primordial awareness pervades all as it ever is. Yet it can be not realized by sentient beings, Merely because the incessant stream of thoughts blinds the eye of their hearts.

“I AM”－ the primordial awareness of sentient beings, Ever aware in the cyclic dreams of birth and death. “I AM” － the essence of your happiness, anger, sorrow, and joy, Pure and alert in the arising and resting of thoughts. “I AM” － the nature of your seeing, hearing, feeling, and knowing, Witnessing dependent origination and destruction through your sensory experience and intellectual discrimination. Yet unfixed and unperturbed in all births and deaths.

All fantasies emerge from distinctions of your mind. Yet, “I AM” not affected or changed by whatever you perceive.

The universe mirrors “I AM”. Striving to recognize "I AM" in delusion gives rise to the primal light of all life-forms. “I AM” the source of hatred and happiness, love and desire in the deep of your being. When you are indulged in the colorful experience of life, Experience disturbs the peaceful state of your self-nature. Experience then takes the beingness out of you, Obscuring the primordial pure awareness. Delusions discriminate the existence of light. Enlightenment embodies the light of Wisdom. When the discriminative mind comes into being and creates distinctions, the world appears. You are the ignorant form of me. “I AM” the original nature of you, Laying asleep in the deep of your heart. The world is the reflection of self-awareness. And the awareness is of absolute perfection in its reflection. Affliction is but Bodhi. Bodhi is together with afflictions, never apart, in the vast expanse of timeless stillness. Sentient beings are essentially me, “I AM” no other than sentient beings. The body and the mind are pure illusion, Closely examine that you come nearer to me. All dharmas are void in self-nature,

Thoroughly contemplate that you are approaching me. What you see is all but your mind, Fully aware that you get free from all attachment and defilement, Which is the form of “I AM”. When the train of emotions and compulsive thinking come to an end, The discursive mind melts into the nature of pure awareness. When all illusions utterly vanish, “I AM” awakening in you. Eternal is Now.

“I AM” along with the formation, abiding, destruction, and ultimate void of the entire universe in beginningless kalpas. The void nature of all dependent origination is “I AM”. “I AM” abides in the minds of innumerable sentient beings in the vast expanse of space. Illuminating every delusional moment with marvelous brightness. Reflection of me in illusory karma-bound minds brings out the rise and fall of life. Enslaved by delusions and afflictions, Sentient beings are seeking the path of me, This gives birth to the eighty-four thousand dharani-teaching.

Consciousness arises from the restless heart. Emotion arises from the anxious mind frantically seeking relief.

Perception arises from the confusion and uncertainty of the self. Ego arises from the fear and obsession of the delusory mind. All experience is utter misery in essence. Sentient beings are but the fruits of karmic deeds. Forgetting the true self, you are goaded by habitual patterns and sufferings. Because of ignorance of your original nature, You cling to the outward out of fear. Looking for proof leads you astray, You grasp at illusions, Like drowning non-swimmers in the sea, Struggling frantically to grasp the life-saving straw. It is the eager self-identification with whatever you perceive that makes you forget your true being, losing your way into the dream-land of ignorance. You are the ignorant form of me, “I AM” the enlightened one in you. You are the pursuant state of “I AM” in dreams. When the chase ends, That ever-present, free from all delusions, is “I AM”. The primordial awareness has never been apart from all beings. When all beings renounce their ego-self, That non-attainable is but awareness itself.

The faculty of seeing with eyes that see the world is the changeless among the changeful sights. The faculty of discerning with mind that distinguishes good from evil is the changeless among the changeful deeds. The faculty of conceiving with memory that records concepts true and false, and right and wrong is the changeless among the changeful concepts. The faculty of sensing with heart that feels pain or pleasure is the changeless among the changeful experiences. The vision of God and the vision of demon, when arising, arise from the mind itself. Yet, the essence of the mind is the changeless, becoming not holy in sight of God, nor disgraced in sight of demon. Whatever you perceive is nothing but the turbulence of your mind. It is through your mind that the world appears in “I AM”. When the world merges with the mind indistinguishable, That marvelous awareness at peace is “I AM”. Neither entertaining the pure. Nor rejecting the impure, “I AM” omnipresent in all directions of Ten Realms of Dharma, Yet remains natural and unconditioned in every name and shape.

All kinds of activity, birth-and-death, cause-and-effect, are the delusory state of “I AM”. All forms of life and the world as such are the beingness of “I AM”.

All Dharma and truth are the paths in search of “I AM”. All creatures and the nature are the drifting of “I AM” in cyclic existence. All realms of Buddhas dwelling in fine mote of dust are the compassionate response of “I AM”. All ego-selves of sentient beings are dreadful suffering of “I AM”. The witness that witnesses the arising and the ceasing is the consciousness. When the consciousness is released from the witnessing mind, Enlightenment comes in. Perceiving and the perceived are never apart but ultimate One. Realization and ignorance are never apart but ultimate One. Sentient beings and Buddhas are never apart but ultimate One. Transience and eternity are never apart but ultimate One. Reality and illusion are never apart but ultimate One. Affliction and Bodhi are never apart but ultimate One. Heaven and hell are never apart but ultimate One. Samsara and nirvana are never apart but ultimate One. Enlightenment and enlightened from the outset are void in nature. Realizing that all forms are essentially formless, You meet with me. The real nature of your afflictions is but the marvelous awareness of “I AM”.

When Buddhists read Sutra,

Chanting Buddhas’ names, You should know, What they chant is me. When the Church of God pray to God, Truly repent. You should know, The prayer of the Holy Spirit is me. When heretics worship the Fire or the Moon, Praying for the spiritual power of Gods, Extolling the greatness of the Creator, You should know, The light of miracles is me. Lao-tze calls me “the Tao”. Buddha names me “the Nature”. Heretics honor me “the Supreme Brahman”, Sentient beings hunt for me as “the Truth”. From different knowledge of "I AM" are born sentient beings of different realms. Yet sentient beings and "I AM" are uniform and in essence One. The sense of “I AM” gives birth to you, When the object-craving mind vanishes, and there then is no you but “I AM”. Neither taking nor rejecting, neither tainted nor pure, neither living nor died. “I AM” ever-present in perceptions of sentient beings, never apart.

All is the manifestation of primordial awareness. Everything happens as it happens by interacting causes and conditions, spontaneously, Yet “I AM” transcends all the arising and the ceasing . “I AM” follows cycles of growth and decay of all creatures. All phenomena are impermanent like a mirage, Realizing this, you then come to see me. “I AM” follows cycles of birth and death of sentient beings, Moving with the rhythms of the moon, sun, stars and constellations. Changing with the Nature, Heaven and Earth. All dharmas have no underlying self, Realizing this, you then come before my presence. “I AM” in your mind, in your body, and in your consciousness. The pure awareness, which can be not held by consciousness, is me. “I AM” pervades most subtle inquiry of the mind, Unshaken timelessly at instant flash of a thought. Experiences melt into inner peace of serenity. And serenity erases all experience up into itself. When all perceptual experiences are detached from the mind, The essence of mind is unborn but the luminous awareness, Reflecting “I AM” in unsurpassed perfection. When sentient beings examine the void nature of all dharmas, Extinguish illusory and divisive thoughts, The void nature of non-attached awareness is “I AM”.

Truly to know me, Dive down into the depth of your afflictions in search of me. Afflictions and Truth are both a figure of me. The mind seeking the truth in the mind-self, Sees directly into affliction and finds its essence. Then the mind realizes the true self. In the fulfillment of raging desires, you forget your original nature divine. Rest at ease, Peacefully accept all pain and suffering for whatever it is, Neither shunning, nor resisting. The restless dissolves in the stillness of the mind. And then you are to be aware, That all knowing is in essence misperception. Widely opened mind, Allows everything to happen as it happens, completely, Neither resisting the experience of your sensation, Nor discriminating the observation of your delusions. Welcome all consciously, The restless mind of distinction and separation then loses its limits in its self-settledness. That inconceivable is － “I AM”.

Way of the world is but a dialogue between the mind and its shadow. The mind is where “I AM”. The shadow is who you are. The life breath of “I AM” grants your beingness. The nature of your beingness is all but “I AM”. Great bliss springs forth in the profound release of the mind at ease. In the relaxed state, the restless of self-identification comes to an end. When the vast and boundless bliss flood the finer movement of the mind. The radiance of pure awareness illuminates forth spontaneously, clear and complete. The serenity of the mind becomes one with its infinite expanse. Undisturbed is the mind unbound. The state of awareness is always pure and untainted. Illuminating the body-mind through detachment. As the obsessive, worrying thoughts cease, The real is not anything perceivable. The Supreme Reality can be not pointed out in words, When the self-identification with the body-mind disappears, The real is not anything expressible. Flow with life, without the least effort. Self-arising and self-liberated mind is free of dwelling. Transcends all attachments, which is the infinite totality of “I AM”. You arising, “I AM” arises. Taking the imaginary minds as the real, you are in samsara.

Purify the mind and realize its true nature. Leave behind all illusions, you are the infinite awareness. Inexpressible, non-attainable. To be as it is, That is the blissful freedom of “I AM”. The mind merges in the self. Affliction melts in the heart of stillness. Distinction between the truth and the fantasy vanishes When the ego dies out, so does the imaginary world. Seeing and the seen become void. Awakening and the awakened fade out of distinctions. When all separations come to an end, what remains is “I AM”.

Free from form and shape, “ I AM” takes form in every form of beings. Beyond all life beings, “ I AM” presents life in endless succession of the nature and the universe. Devoid of any dwelling place, “I AM” pervades every mote of dust, where infinite realms of Buddha reside. Free from all distinctions, “ I AM” present the unity of the supreme nature beyond duality of good and evil, impure and pure, superior and inferior, noble and

ignoble, beauty and ugliness, as well as life and death. In the womb of “ I AM” sentient beings wander in the cycle of samsara . Due to ignorance of their true nature, Sentient beings are drowning in an ocean of suffering created by their bewildered minds.

Formless is the primordial awareness. Form of sentient beings is form of the formless, the Buddha Himself. Mindless is the primordial awareness. Mind of sentient beings is mind of the mindless, the ultimate stillness. Dwelling-less is the primordial awareness. Movement of cause and condition is movement of the immovable, the unshaken completeness. Self-less is the primordial awareness. The ignorant self of sentient beings is self of the selfless, the silent expanse of awareness in perfection. False perception of one’s true nature creates afflictions, Which is how sentient beings come into being. When sentient beings awaken to the nature of afflictions, Affliction is no other than Bodhi. Let your mind clear and your true nature emerge. Then this body-mind turns into pure illusion. Illusions were from the utmost never born,

The unborn is absolutely spacious, And this spaciousness is non-attainable at all.

You and me are but one – the primordial awareness. Like bubbles out of the sea, When bubbles burst, Stillness is the sea, as it ever is!

There is neither you nor me in reality. You are nothing but the delusion of me. “I AM” everything in the primordial awareness of you. Buddhas’ lands appear nowhere but in your own mind. When the sense of “I” vanishes, ”I AM” merges into the depth of your being. Go beyond the beingness, you become the original One with me. The Great Oneness is free of birth and destruction in the conjunctions of cause and condition, No wisdom and no attainment whatsoever. Because nothing were to be attained, You and me exist only in the mind dreaming a dream. Yet, the essence of the dream is Nirvana itself.

Delusion is who you are.

Awakening is what “I AM”. When illusory imagination vanishes, The naked awareness is ultimate void. The great void transcends all forms and no-forms. That is illumination in perfection.

The sense of “I” and the world as such arise from the egoic delusion. Chains of ego fetter the soul. The “I-thought” of you obstructs the simplicity of me. Mistaken perception of me breeds the fear into your being. You are an idle dreamer lost in life and death in my dream. When you permanently abandon all egoic attainment, You are to awaken the true nature of your mind from sensory and intellectual experience, And return to the pure awareness free from the mental movement of your mind. Perceiving without a center of perception. Awakening without a state of awakenedness. When all dualities of rising and ceasing come to an end fully, you are none but “I AM”. Yet, “I AM” never comes nor goes. The voidness (sunyata) can be not acquired. Non-attachment of the witness is void by itself. Intrinsic awareness can be not grasped from the outside, Extinction of all delusions reveals the naked awareness.

The reality of mind is non-attainable. The reality of mind is unapproachable. Free from inverted perception and deluded thoughts, Ever there is your original being,

- My initial reflection.

The path of return resides in the heart. Look into your own mind and investigate carefully, Cut off all attachments and pride. Purify your mind-and-body of all desires and craving, Then only the awakening of me in yourself is your true achievement. That unblemished and unbound, That from the utmost pure and natural, Is your return to me and “I AM” embracing you. The awakening mind embraces the primordial awakenedness. “I AM” always with you, never apart.

As the return of raindrops to the sea itself, And the sea vanishes in the void, The void merges into the nothingness, Nothingness erases itself. When the instant of thought you see into your own nature, Both you and “I AM” dissolve into the ever-expanding Now.

The world is no better than a dream without concrete reality. Once awakening, Who would there be to dream the dream. Inexpressible is where the world emerges. The entire world is the reflection of the inexpressible. It is through the reflection that all sentient beings take the shape, so the world. Yet, the essence of your body-mind is but the real, Unbound by entanglement in discursive thoughts and elaboration.

When within and without the body-mind and the world melt down into your heart. The heart is all but an instant of thought， From where illusionary phenomena take place. When the manifold phenomena (Dharma) of the external world withdraw, The whole universe and sentient beings are all you.

Yet, you leave no trace in all beings. You are nothing but me, total awareness of oneself. Nirvana in silence! The duality of you and me arises just from an instant of delusion.

The world is not the world as it is. It (the world) is the creative play of the delusory mind outward turned into self-identification. Sentient beings are not sentient beings as they are. They are the minds losing themselves in the dreams, like phantoms of sky-flowers, The mind clinging to the dream-show appearance is the delusion of “I AM”. Delusion is the mind of sentient beings. Ignorance is the cyclic existence of the world. “I AM” moves along with the ever-recurring wheel of causes and conditions, And transcends all mental images and worldly affairs. No coming nor going, Now arrives at the timeless.

Past and future, Sentient beings versus Buddhas, Are all in the eternal present. Yet, the present is but one instant of distinction. The world sprouts into being out of one instant (of distinction). When the instant is clear, so is the world as a whole. When the instant is extinguished, the beginningless dream of endless

kalpas awakens itself. Samsara and nirvana are ultimately of great perfection. Afflictions and enlightenment are equal and non-dual in essence. The Realm of Buddha is nowhere but the worlds of all beings, The mind of sentient beings is one with the mind of Buddhas. The past and the future are absolute Now. Yet, the inexpressible Now, silent in nature, is in itself Buddhahood.

[End]

[whorchataaa]

Dysfunctional Families and Their Psychological Effects

When the lockdown protocols were enforced earlier this year, our freedom, routine and responsibilities within households were disrupted. Along with this, increased uncertainty, financial stress and burden of care have lowered our window of tolerance. For many, it has opened old wounds and led to persistent conflict at home. Children are forced to experience strained family interactions, day in and day out, without the solace of distraction and distance. 

There is a great degree of variability in how interactions and behaviors occur within homes, and the pattern of these interactions form the core of our family dynamic (Harkonen, 2017). Families have a unique set of dynamics that affect the way each member thinks and relates to themselves, others and the world around them. Several factors including the nature of parent’s relationship, personality of family members, events (divorce, death, unemployment), culture and ethnicity (including beliefs about gender roles), influence these dynamics. The list is endless, and it is no surprise that growing up in an open, supportive environment is the exception, rather than the norm. 

It’s important to disclaim that the idea of a perfect parent/family is a myth. Parents are human, flawed and experiencing their own concerns. Most children can deal with an occasional angry outburst, as long as there is love and understanding to counter it. In “functional” families, parents strive to create an environment in which everyone feels safe, heard, loved and respected. Households are often characterized by low conflict, high levels of support and open communication (Shaw, 2014). This helps children navigate physical, emotional and social difficulties when they are young, and has lasting impacts as they transition into adulthood.

Alternatively, growing up in a dysfunctional family can leave children emotionally scarred, and affect them throughout their lives. Hurtful family environments may include the following (Hall, 2017):

Aggression: Behaviors typified by belittlement, domination, lies and control.

Limited affection: The absence of physical or verbal affirmations of love, empathy and time spent together.

Neglect: No attention paid to another and discomfort around family members.

Addiction: Parents having compulsions relating to work, drugs, alcohol, sex and gambling.

Violence: Threat and use of physical and sexual abuse.

For children, families constitute their entire reality. When they are young, parents are godlike; without them they would be unloved, unprotected, unhoused and unfed, living in a constant state of terror, knowing they will be unable to survive alone. Children are forced to accommodate and enable chaotic, unstable/unpredictable and unhealthy behaviors of parents (Nelson, 2019).

Unfortunately, children don’t have the sophistication to understand and verbalize their experiences, discriminate between healthy and unhealthy behaviors and make sense of it all. They may interpret the situation to fit the belief of normalcy, further perpetuating the dysfunction (e.g., “No, I wasn’t beaten. I was just spanked” or “My father isn’t violent; it’s just his way”). They may even accept responsibility for violence, to fit their reality. The more they do this, the greater is their likelihood of misinterpreting themselves and developing negative self-concepts (e.g., “I had it coming. I was not a good kid”). 

During their younger years, children form certain beliefs and carry them, unchallenged, into adulthood. These beliefs are influenced by their parents’ actions and statements and are often internalized, for instance, “children should respect their parents no matter what,” “it’s my way or no way” or “children should be seen, not heard.” This forms the soil from which toxic behavior grows and may be communicated directly or disguised as words of advice, expressed in terms of “shoulds”, “oughts” and “supposed tos.”

Spoken beliefs are tangible but can be wrestled with. For instance, a parental belief that divorce is wrong, might keep a daughter in a loveless marriage, however, this can be challenged. Unspoken beliefs are more complicated; they exist below our level of awareness and dictate basic assumptions of life (Gowman, 2018). They may be implied by childhood experiences, for example, how your father treated your mother or how they treated you, encouraging you to believe ideas such as “women are inferior to men” or “children should sacrifice themselves for their parents.”

As with beliefs there are unspoken rules, pulling invisible strings and demanding blind obedience, e.g., “don’t lead your own life,” “don’t be more successful than your father,” “don’t be happier than your mother” or “don’t abandon me.” Loyalty to our family binds us to these beliefs and rules. There may be a marked gap between parents’ expectations/demands and what children want for themselves. Unfortunately, our unconscious pressure to obey almost always overshadows our conscious needs and desires, and leads to self-destructive and defeating behaviors (Forward, 1989).

There is variability in dysfunctional familial interactions — and in the kinds, severity and regularity of their dysfunction. Children may experience the following: 

Being forced to take sides during parental conflict.

Experiencing “reality shifting” (what is said contradicts what is happening).

Being criticized or ignored for their feelings and thoughts.

Having parents who are inappropriately intrusive/involved or distant/uninvolved.

Having excessive demands placed on their time, friends or behaviors — or, conversely, receive no guidelines or structure.

Experiencing rejection or preferential treatment.

Being encouraged to use alcohol/drugs.

Being physically beating.

Abuse and neglect affect the child’s ability to trust the world, others and themselves. Additionally, they grow up without a frame of reference for what is normal and healthy. They may develop traits that they struggle with throughout their adult lives, and the effects are many. They may not know how to live without chaos and conflict (this becomes a lifestyle pattern) and get bored easily (Lechnyr, 2020). Children robbed of their childhood have to “grow up too fast.” As a result, they are disconnected from their needs and face difficulty asking for help (Cikanavicious, 2019). Children, who were constantly ridiculed, grow up to judge themselves harshly, lie and constantly seek approval and affirmation. Children may fear abandonment, believe they are unlovable/not good enough and feel lonely/misunderstood. As adults, they face difficulty with forming professional, social and romantic bonds, and are viewed as submissive, controlling, overwhelming or even detached in relationships (Ubaidi, 2016). To numb their feelings, they may abuse drugs or alcohol and engage in other risky behaviors (e.g., reckless driving, unsafe sex) (Watson et al., 2013). 

Perhaps most serious of all, these individuals continue the cycle by developing their own parenting problems and reinforcing the dysfunctional dynamic (Bray, 1995). Being aware of the dysfunctional patterns of our past and how they affect how we think and act in the present is the critical first step.  

Name painful or difficult childhood experiences.

Recognize you have power over your life.

Identify behaviors and beliefs you would like to change.

Be assertive, set boundaries and practice non-attachment.

Find a support network.

Seek psychological help.

For parents:

Heal from your own trauma.

Be kind, honest and open-minded — and listen.

Create an environment of respect, safety and privacy.

Model healthy behavior and practice accountability.

Give clear guidelines and factual information.

Learn how to apologize.

Be gentle with teasing, sarcasm, etc.

Allow children to change and grow.

Enforce rules that guide behavior but do not regulate one’s emotional and intellectual life.

Spend time together as a family.

Know when to ask for help.

  References:

Härkönen, J., Bernardi, F. & Boertien, D. (2017). Family Dynamics and Child Outcomes: An Overview of Research and Open Questions. Eur J Population 33, 163–184. https://ift.tt/2Ybl1Nw

Shaw, A. (2014). The Family Environment and Adolescent Well-Being [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/2V9xnEb

Dorrance Hall, E. (2017). Why Family Hurt Is So Painful Four reasons why family hurt can be more painful than hurt from others [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/3hF1bSo

Nelson, A. (2019). Understanding Fear and Self-Blame Symptoms for Child Sexual Abuse Victims in Treatment: An Interaction of Youth Age, Perpetrator Type, and Treatment Time Period. Honors Theses, University of Nebraska-Lincoln. 89. https://ift.tt/2N7ye3y

Gowman, V. (2019). When Children Believe “I Am Wrong”: The Impact Developmental Trauma Has on Belief Systems and Identity [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/2C9lK9k

Forward, S., & Buck, C. (1989). Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. NY, NY: Bantam.

Cikanavicius, D. (2019). The Effects of Trauma from “Growing up Too Fast” [blog post]. Retrieved from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/psychology-self/2019/12/trauma-growing-up-fast/

Al Ubaidi, B.A. (2017). Cost of Growing up in Dysfunctional Family. J Fam Med Dis Prev, 3(3): 059. doi.org/10.23937/2469-5793/1510059

Lechnyr, D. (2020). Wait, I’m not Crazy?! Adults Who Grew Up in Dysfunctional Families [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/37DLRAY

Al Odhayani, A., Watson, W. J., & Watson, L. (2013). Behavioural consequences of child abuse. Canadian family physician Medecin de famille canadien, 59(8), 831–836.

Bray, J.H. (1995). 3. Assessing Family Health And Distress: An Intergenerational-Systemic Perspective [Family Assessment]. Lincoln, NB: Buros-Nebraska Series on Measurement and Testing. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/3fBCF34

from https://ift.tt/2N5vlAl Check out https://peterlegyel.wordpress.com/

[ashley-unicorn]

Dysfunctional Families and Their Psychological Effects

When the lockdown protocols were enforced earlier this year, our freedom, routine and responsibilities within households were disrupted. Along with this, increased uncertainty, financial stress and burden of care have lowered our window of tolerance. For many, it has opened old wounds and led to persistent conflict at home. Children are forced to experience strained family interactions, day in and day out, without the solace of distraction and distance. 

There is a great degree of variability in how interactions and behaviors occur within homes, and the pattern of these interactions form the core of our family dynamic (Harkonen, 2017). Families have a unique set of dynamics that affect the way each member thinks and relates to themselves, others and the world around them. Several factors including the nature of parent’s relationship, personality of family members, events (divorce, death, unemployment), culture and ethnicity (including beliefs about gender roles), influence these dynamics. The list is endless, and it is no surprise that growing up in an open, supportive environment is the exception, rather than the norm. 

It’s important to disclaim that the idea of a perfect parent/family is a myth. Parents are human, flawed and experiencing their own concerns. Most children can deal with an occasional angry outburst, as long as there is love and understanding to counter it. In “functional” families, parents strive to create an environment in which everyone feels safe, heard, loved and respected. Households are often characterized by low conflict, high levels of support and open communication (Shaw, 2014). This helps children navigate physical, emotional and social difficulties when they are young, and has lasting impacts as they transition into adulthood.

Alternatively, growing up in a dysfunctional family can leave children emotionally scarred, and affect them throughout their lives. Hurtful family environments may include the following (Hall, 2017):

Aggression: Behaviors typified by belittlement, domination, lies and control.

Limited affection: The absence of physical or verbal affirmations of love, empathy and time spent together.

Neglect: No attention paid to another and discomfort around family members.

Addiction: Parents having compulsions relating to work, drugs, alcohol, sex and gambling.

Violence: Threat and use of physical and sexual abuse.

For children, families constitute their entire reality. When they are young, parents are godlike; without them they would be unloved, unprotected, unhoused and unfed, living in a constant state of terror, knowing they will be unable to survive alone. Children are forced to accommodate and enable chaotic, unstable/unpredictable and unhealthy behaviors of parents (Nelson, 2019).

Unfortunately, children don’t have the sophistication to understand and verbalize their experiences, discriminate between healthy and unhealthy behaviors and make sense of it all. They may interpret the situation to fit the belief of normalcy, further perpetuating the dysfunction (e.g., “No, I wasn’t beaten. I was just spanked” or “My father isn’t violent; it’s just his way”). They may even accept responsibility for violence, to fit their reality. The more they do this, the greater is their likelihood of misinterpreting themselves and developing negative self-concepts (e.g., “I had it coming. I was not a good kid”). 

During their younger years, children form certain beliefs and carry them, unchallenged, into adulthood. These beliefs are influenced by their parents’ actions and statements and are often internalized, for instance, “children should respect their parents no matter what,” “it’s my way or no way” or “children should be seen, not heard.” This forms the soil from which toxic behavior grows and may be communicated directly or disguised as words of advice, expressed in terms of “shoulds”, “oughts” and “supposed tos.”

Spoken beliefs are tangible but can be wrestled with. For instance, a parental belief that divorce is wrong, might keep a daughter in a loveless marriage, however, this can be challenged. Unspoken beliefs are more complicated; they exist below our level of awareness and dictate basic assumptions of life (Gowman, 2018). They may be implied by childhood experiences, for example, how your father treated your mother or how they treated you, encouraging you to believe ideas such as “women are inferior to men” or “children should sacrifice themselves for their parents.”

As with beliefs there are unspoken rules, pulling invisible strings and demanding blind obedience, e.g., “don’t lead your own life,” “don’t be more successful than your father,” “don’t be happier than your mother” or “don’t abandon me.” Loyalty to our family binds us to these beliefs and rules. There may be a marked gap between parents’ expectations/demands and what children want for themselves. Unfortunately, our unconscious pressure to obey almost always overshadows our conscious needs and desires, and leads to self-destructive and defeating behaviors (Forward, 1989).

There is variability in dysfunctional familial interactions — and in the kinds, severity and regularity of their dysfunction. Children may experience the following: 

Being forced to take sides during parental conflict.

Experiencing “reality shifting” (what is said contradicts what is happening).

Being criticized or ignored for their feelings and thoughts.

Having parents who are inappropriately intrusive/involved or distant/uninvolved.

Having excessive demands placed on their time, friends or behaviors — or, conversely, receive no guidelines or structure.

Experiencing rejection or preferential treatment.

Being encouraged to use alcohol/drugs.

Being physically beating.

Abuse and neglect affect the child’s ability to trust the world, others and themselves. Additionally, they grow up without a frame of reference for what is normal and healthy. They may develop traits that they struggle with throughout their adult lives, and the effects are many. They may not know how to live without chaos and conflict (this becomes a lifestyle pattern) and get bored easily (Lechnyr, 2020). Children robbed of their childhood have to “grow up too fast.” As a result, they are disconnected from their needs and face difficulty asking for help (Cikanavicious, 2019). Children, who were constantly ridiculed, grow up to judge themselves harshly, lie and constantly seek approval and affirmation. Children may fear abandonment, believe they are unlovable/not good enough and feel lonely/misunderstood. As adults, they face difficulty with forming professional, social and romantic bonds, and are viewed as submissive, controlling, overwhelming or even detached in relationships (Ubaidi, 2016). To numb their feelings, they may abuse drugs or alcohol and engage in other risky behaviors (e.g., reckless driving, unsafe sex) (Watson et al., 2013). 

Perhaps most serious of all, these individuals continue the cycle by developing their own parenting problems and reinforcing the dysfunctional dynamic (Bray, 1995). Being aware of the dysfunctional patterns of our past and how they affect how we think and act in the present is the critical first step.  

Name painful or difficult childhood experiences.

Recognize you have power over your life.

Identify behaviors and beliefs you would like to change.

Be assertive, set boundaries and practice non-attachment.

Find a support network.

Seek psychological help.

For parents:

Heal from your own trauma.

Be kind, honest and open-minded — and listen.

Create an environment of respect, safety and privacy.

Model healthy behavior and practice accountability.

Give clear guidelines and factual information.

Learn how to apologize.

Be gentle with teasing, sarcasm, etc.

Allow children to change and grow.

Enforce rules that guide behavior but do not regulate one’s emotional and intellectual life.

Spend time together as a family.

Know when to ask for help.

  References:

Härkönen, J., Bernardi, F. & Boertien, D. (2017). Family Dynamics and Child Outcomes: An Overview of Research and Open Questions. Eur J Population 33, 163–184. https://ift.tt/2Ybl1Nw

Shaw, A. (2014). The Family Environment and Adolescent Well-Being [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/2V9xnEb

Dorrance Hall, E. (2017). Why Family Hurt Is So Painful Four reasons why family hurt can be more painful than hurt from others [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/3hF1bSo

Nelson, A. (2019). Understanding Fear and Self-Blame Symptoms for Child Sexual Abuse Victims in Treatment: An Interaction of Youth Age, Perpetrator Type, and Treatment Time Period. Honors Theses, University of Nebraska-Lincoln. 89. https://ift.tt/2N7ye3y

Gowman, V. (2019). When Children Believe “I Am Wrong”: The Impact Developmental Trauma Has on Belief Systems and Identity [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/2C9lK9k

Forward, S., & Buck, C. (1989). Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. NY, NY: Bantam.

Cikanavicius, D. (2019). The Effects of Trauma from “Growing up Too Fast” [blog post]. Retrieved from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/psychology-self/2019/12/trauma-growing-up-fast/

Al Ubaidi, B.A. (2017). Cost of Growing up in Dysfunctional Family. J Fam Med Dis Prev, 3(3): 059. doi.org/10.23937/2469-5793/1510059

Lechnyr, D. (2020). Wait, I’m not Crazy?! Adults Who Grew Up in Dysfunctional Families [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/37DLRAY

Al Odhayani, A., Watson, W. J., & Watson, L. (2013). Behavioural consequences of child abuse. Canadian family physician Medecin de famille canadien, 59(8), 831–836.

Bray, J.H. (1995). 3. Assessing Family Health And Distress: An Intergenerational-Systemic Perspective [Family Assessment]. Lincoln, NB: Buros-Nebraska Series on Measurement and Testing. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/3fBCF34

from https://ift.tt/2N5vlAl Check out https://daniejadkins.wordpress.com/

[brentrogers]

Dysfunctional Families and Their Psychological Effects

When the lockdown protocols were enforced earlier this year, our freedom, routine and responsibilities within households were disrupted. Along with this, increased uncertainty, financial stress and burden of care have lowered our window of tolerance. For many, it has opened old wounds and led to persistent conflict at home. Children are forced to experience strained family interactions, day in and day out, without the solace of distraction and distance. 

There is a great degree of variability in how interactions and behaviors occur within homes, and the pattern of these interactions form the core of our family dynamic (Harkonen, 2017). Families have a unique set of dynamics that affect the way each member thinks and relates to themselves, others and the world around them. Several factors including the nature of parent’s relationship, personality of family members, events (divorce, death, unemployment), culture and ethnicity (including beliefs about gender roles), influence these dynamics. The list is endless, and it is no surprise that growing up in an open, supportive environment is the exception, rather than the norm. 

It’s important to disclaim that the idea of a perfect parent/family is a myth. Parents are human, flawed and experiencing their own concerns. Most children can deal with an occasional angry outburst, as long as there is love and understanding to counter it. In “functional” families, parents strive to create an environment in which everyone feels safe, heard, loved and respected. Households are often characterized by low conflict, high levels of support and open communication (Shaw, 2014). This helps children navigate physical, emotional and social difficulties when they are young, and has lasting impacts as they transition into adulthood.

Alternatively, growing up in a dysfunctional family can leave children emotionally scarred, and affect them throughout their lives. Hurtful family environments may include the following (Hall, 2017):

Aggression: Behaviors typified by belittlement, domination, lies and control.

Limited affection: The absence of physical or verbal affirmations of love, empathy and time spent together.

Neglect: No attention paid to another and discomfort around family members.

Addiction: Parents having compulsions relating to work, drugs, alcohol, sex and gambling.

Violence: Threat and use of physical and sexual abuse.

For children, families constitute their entire reality. When they are young, parents are godlike; without them they would be unloved, unprotected, unhoused and unfed, living in a constant state of terror, knowing they will be unable to survive alone. Children are forced to accommodate and enable chaotic, unstable/unpredictable and unhealthy behaviors of parents (Nelson, 2019).

Unfortunately, children don’t have the sophistication to understand and verbalize their experiences, discriminate between healthy and unhealthy behaviors and make sense of it all. They may interpret the situation to fit the belief of normalcy, further perpetuating the dysfunction (e.g., “No, I wasn’t beaten. I was just spanked” or “My father isn’t violent; it’s just his way”). They may even accept responsibility for violence, to fit their reality. The more they do this, the greater is their likelihood of misinterpreting themselves and developing negative self-concepts (e.g., “I had it coming. I was not a good kid”). 

During their younger years, children form certain beliefs and carry them, unchallenged, into adulthood. These beliefs are influenced by their parents’ actions and statements and are often internalized, for instance, “children should respect their parents no matter what,” “it’s my way or no way” or “children should be seen, not heard.” This forms the soil from which toxic behavior grows and may be communicated directly or disguised as words of advice, expressed in terms of “shoulds”, “oughts” and “supposed tos.”

Spoken beliefs are tangible but can be wrestled with. For instance, a parental belief that divorce is wrong, might keep a daughter in a loveless marriage, however, this can be challenged. Unspoken beliefs are more complicated; they exist below our level of awareness and dictate basic assumptions of life (Gowman, 2018). They may be implied by childhood experiences, for example, how your father treated your mother or how they treated you, encouraging you to believe ideas such as “women are inferior to men” or “children should sacrifice themselves for their parents.”

As with beliefs there are unspoken rules, pulling invisible strings and demanding blind obedience, e.g., “don’t lead your own life,” “don’t be more successful than your father,” “don’t be happier than your mother” or “don’t abandon me.” Loyalty to our family binds us to these beliefs and rules. There may be a marked gap between parents’ expectations/demands and what children want for themselves. Unfortunately, our unconscious pressure to obey almost always overshadows our conscious needs and desires, and leads to self-destructive and defeating behaviors (Forward, 1989).

There is variability in dysfunctional familial interactions — and in the kinds, severity and regularity of their dysfunction. Children may experience the following: 

Being forced to take sides during parental conflict.

Experiencing “reality shifting” (what is said contradicts what is happening).

Being criticized or ignored for their feelings and thoughts.

Having parents who are inappropriately intrusive/involved or distant/uninvolved.

Having excessive demands placed on their time, friends or behaviors — or, conversely, receive no guidelines or structure.

Experiencing rejection or preferential treatment.

Being encouraged to use alcohol/drugs.

Being physically beating.

Abuse and neglect affect the child’s ability to trust the world, others and themselves. Additionally, they grow up without a frame of reference for what is normal and healthy. They may develop traits that they struggle with throughout their adult lives, and the effects are many. They may not know how to live without chaos and conflict (this becomes a lifestyle pattern) and get bored easily (Lechnyr, 2020). Children robbed of their childhood have to “grow up too fast.” As a result, they are disconnected from their needs and face difficulty asking for help (Cikanavicious, 2019). Children, who were constantly ridiculed, grow up to judge themselves harshly, lie and constantly seek approval and affirmation. Children may fear abandonment, believe they are unlovable/not good enough and feel lonely/misunderstood. As adults, they face difficulty with forming professional, social and romantic bonds, and are viewed as submissive, controlling, overwhelming or even detached in relationships (Ubaidi, 2016). To numb their feelings, they may abuse drugs or alcohol and engage in other risky behaviors (e.g., reckless driving, unsafe sex) (Watson et al., 2013). 

Perhaps most serious of all, these individuals continue the cycle by developing their own parenting problems and reinforcing the dysfunctional dynamic (Bray, 1995). Being aware of the dysfunctional patterns of our past and how they affect how we think and act in the present is the critical first step.  

Name painful or difficult childhood experiences.

Recognize you have power over your life.

Identify behaviors and beliefs you would like to change.

Be assertive, set boundaries and practice non-attachment.

Find a support network.

Seek psychological help.

For parents:

Heal from your own trauma.

Be kind, honest and open-minded — and listen.

Create an environment of respect, safety and privacy.

Model healthy behavior and practice accountability.

Give clear guidelines and factual information.

Learn how to apologize.

Be gentle with teasing, sarcasm, etc.

Allow children to change and grow.

Enforce rules that guide behavior but do not regulate one’s emotional and intellectual life.

Spend time together as a family.

Know when to ask for help.

  References:

Härkönen, J., Bernardi, F. & Boertien, D. (2017). Family Dynamics and Child Outcomes: An Overview of Research and Open Questions. Eur J Population 33, 163–184. https://ift.tt/2Ybl1Nw

Shaw, A. (2014). The Family Environment and Adolescent Well-Being [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/2V9xnEb

Dorrance Hall, E. (2017). Why Family Hurt Is So Painful Four reasons why family hurt can be more painful than hurt from others [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/3hF1bSo

Nelson, A. (2019). Understanding Fear and Self-Blame Symptoms for Child Sexual Abuse Victims in Treatment: An Interaction of Youth Age, Perpetrator Type, and Treatment Time Period. Honors Theses, University of Nebraska-Lincoln. 89. https://ift.tt/2N7ye3y

Gowman, V. (2019). When Children Believe “I Am Wrong”: The Impact Developmental Trauma Has on Belief Systems and Identity [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/2C9lK9k

Forward, S., & Buck, C. (1989). Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. NY, NY: Bantam.

Cikanavicius, D. (2019). The Effects of Trauma from “Growing up Too Fast” [blog post]. Retrieved from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/psychology-self/2019/12/trauma-growing-up-fast/

Al Ubaidi, B.A. (2017). Cost of Growing up in Dysfunctional Family. J Fam Med Dis Prev, 3(3): 059. doi.org/10.23937/2469-5793/1510059

Lechnyr, D. (2020). Wait, I’m not Crazy?! Adults Who Grew Up in Dysfunctional Families [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/37DLRAY

Al Odhayani, A., Watson, W. J., & Watson, L. (2013). Behavioural consequences of child abuse. Canadian family physician Medecin de famille canadien, 59(8), 831–836.

Bray, J.H. (1995). 3. Assessing Family Health And Distress: An Intergenerational-Systemic Perspective [Family Assessment]. Lincoln, NB: Buros-Nebraska Series on Measurement and Testing. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/3fBCF34

Dysfunctional Families and Their Psychological Effects syndicated from

[consciousowl]

How to Develop Sustainable Happiness

Have you ever met someone who was smart, beautiful, rich…and happy? I’ll bet you have. I will also bet that you wish that they weren’t so happy. Why should some of us have everything? Life is so unfair! Of course, in your heart of hearts, you know that THE ONLY REASON they are happy is because they are smart, beautiful and rich. Or could it be that they take happiness seriously, and make it a priority?

What Is Sustainable Happiness?

In recent decades, a group of psychologists moved over from perpetually analyzing sick people to learning from healthy people. They moved from classic therapy to learning theory. With major advances in neuroscience and emerging computer technologies, such as A.I., we now have a much better handle on how to induce rapid change. This new discipline, positive psychology, laid the foundation for the practice of sustainable happiness. Dr. Aymee Coget of San Francisco is the leading spokesperson. Dr. Coget has pioneered a learning process of sustainable happiness which can work for anyone under any circumstances. She is totally committed to all of us being happy all the time.

Studies have shown that winning the Lottery, even with a $100 million stake, ensures happiness for only a finite amount of time, say six to eight months. Let’s say you simply bought a new, high-end Tesla. You might be happy for three to six weeks. If you bought a designer sweater, it might work for three to four days. A super-chocolate, crunchy ice cream cone might work for three to four hours.

Choose Sustainable Happiness

Sustainable happiness begins with the realization that this is a fundamental life skill that is everyone’s birthright. Even the Declaration of Independence justified the American Revolution as a means for each individual to pursue their own happiness. It entails a learning process that shows you how to be happy in any situation, much like the Buddha taught his disciples to disengage from all their attachments. While sustainable happiness is generated from within, it is also behavioral in nature. You can do something every day to make yourself happy. It can take three to six months; however, even the clinically depressed can break the self-destructive pattern. This is all the more significant, since 48 million Americans are diagnosed with depression and teenage suicide is at an all-time high. When you make inner happiness a priority, you lay the foundation for being far more effective, whatever your role. You live in the present moment, accept whatever happens and smile at the future. Your commitment to your inner growth, and your ability to make a contribution is unshakeable.

Model Truly Happy People

Genuine happiness is contagious. People catch it from one another. It is possible to identify truly happy people, and model them. You can read about Sir Richard Branson and see his videos on YouTube. It becomes clear that Sir Richard’s own fulfillment is more important to him than his billions. You get the sneaky suspicion that his very billions came directly out of his commitment to be truly happy. I met Dr. Coget recently in San Francisco for lunch, not seeking treatment. We talked about a variety of things. She asked me a few process questions, and we parted. For the rest of the day, and the next several days, I felt high… for no reason! I found myself laughing with my colleagues, who usually don’t laugh all that much. I have had the privilege of working with my partner in this web magazine for a number of years. She is almost always cheerful, even when distressful things come up in her life. She almost never loses her cool. I feel instantly happy when I see her or hear her voice. Years ago, I made her a high priority in my life. It was well worth the commitment.

Practice Sustainable Happiness

Sustainable happiness is never a one-time event. It is only achieved when you fully realize that you are responsible for your own happiness and negative emotions need not run you. It is something you do every day. It can start with a simple, complete smile reaching up to your twinkling eyes. It can move to laughing at yourself in the mirror. It can even go to jumping up and down shouting, “I’m so happy! I’m so happy! I’m so happy!”

While this may seem undignified and just plain silly, over time it works. To borrow from Tony Robbins’ discipline, NLP, you are creating new associations in your brain. Over time, this becomes the new norm, and you begin to do this spontaneously. All professional actors and sales people know how this works. Until the lines are your own, they will never work. Practice them enough, and they become your own. You begin to seek out happy people, and learn from them. You begin to share your happiness with others, which is the whole point. You learn to see the best in everyone and welcome difficult people as a challenge to practice your skills. This doesn’t mean you manipulate them. You just learn to love them as they are through attention, appreciation and affection. Imagine how much better the world might be if President Trump woke up every morning to people like this!

Bring the Internal and External Together

Sustainable happiness starts by going within and recalling all the things you have to be thankful for. It might take the form of a diary, or it might even be a silent meditation. Along with it, you remember happy moments in your life, today, yesterday, even years ago. As you become genuinely grateful, the space around you changes. Miracles appear. Positive psychology enables you to combine powerful inner processes with effective behavioral techniques. You begin to habituate yourself to see the world in a whole new light. The world is not really “out there.” It is your own personal world, every bit as much as your body. It may not at all seem that way. However, if you are willing to make the leap, you will be delightfully surprised. As you become happier inside, you will become a little more attractive outside. Beauty in men and women goes beyond their skin to the energy that animates them.

The beauty of Marilyn Monroe is classic. In one short video, you could see Marilyn give a couple hundred different expressions. A stunning spirit leapt out of her that made her a superstar, that made her seem like the most beautiful woman who ever lived.

Snap Back into Sustainable Happiness

If you are human, you can bank on being distracted, upset and occasionally meeting with catastrophe. We all seem tested by our guardian angel and seek a state of grace to simply get through it all. This will happen almost predictably, seemingly throwing out every effort to sustain happiness. However, as you realize sustainable happiness, you will find that you are able to snap back quickly into your home state of inner fulfillment. You realize part of the fun in life is its perpetual surprises. No surprises. No life. You will learn how to grab pleasure in every possible moment. One of the founders of positive psychology started out in a Nazi concentration camp. He had the extraordinary gumption to write out, “Today I will be happy!” Not only did he survive the death camp, but he went on to be a powerful inspiration to millions.

Join the Sustainable Happiness Movement

Dr. Aymee Coget invites you to stand up for happiness and join her in the movement. Find other people committed to happiness and support their efforts. You can find out more about her programs on her website. Happiness can go viral if enough people commit their lives to it. Already, sustainable happiness is shaping into a global movement. What better foundation can you have to make a difference on our fragile planet than your own happiness, and your ability to spread that happiness to everyone you touch!

The post How to Develop Sustainable Happiness appeared first on ConsciousOwl.com.

[djsamaha-blog]

Why People-Pleasers Don’t Get the Love and Respect They Desire

“Niceness is the psychological armor of the people-pleaser.” ~Harriet B. Braiker

I used to think that being kind, gentle, and agreeable was guaranteed to win me love and acceptance from others. I’d tiptoe around destructive people’s behaviors, no matter how uncomfortable I felt about it, believing to my core that if only I could be nice enough to them, they would one day lead a better life.

I lived my life constantly avoiding anything that might make me look like a bad, imperfect, antagonistic, or unlikeable person. Because as every people-pleaser knows, being disliked or disapproved of feels worse than ignoring your own feelings—at least at first.

Some people were easy to please; a kind gesture or smile was all it would take. Getting their approval so effortlessly made me happier than a kid at Disney World. But with other people, it seemed the more I tried to please them, the more likely they were to treat me like an old dish rag; and the more this happened, the less I liked myself.

Eventually, my efforts to please others left me feeling disrespected, violated, and disconnected—from life, from other people, and from myself.

For many years, I silently endured the ongoing, relentless invalidation of who I was based on how others treated me. When someone close to me was feeling unsatisfied, negative, or in search of someone to blame, there I was, ready to take it.

But no matter how unhappy I was, I still wanted to make them feel better. I wanted to see them happy, even at my own expense.

At the core of these one-sided relationships I maintained with some of the perpetually dissatisfied people in my life was an enduring belief that if only I could solve their problems and make them happy, I’d finally receive the love and acceptance I desired all my life.

I never stopped to think, “But what about me? What will become of me if I keep trying to satisfy people with an unquenchable thirst?” I couldn’t see that no matter what I did, it would never be enough. In fact, it wasn’t about me at all. I didn’t realize that no matter how good I am at solving problems, or how perfectly I can handle things, if someone wants to find fault with me, they will.

Instead of seeing other people’s dissatisfaction as an issue for them to resolve on their own, I internalized it and interpreted it to mean I wasn’t good enough.

But one day, I finally started asking myself some important questions: “What will become of me and my self-worth if I keep basing it on unhappy people’s perceptions? Who will love and respect me if I’m not even taking a stand for myself?”

My conception of who I needed to be in order to gain love and acceptance was slapping me in the face over and over again like a flat tire driving on uneven pavement. But still, I wondered why my formula wasn’t working. I truly believed that living selflessly was a surefire way to get love, appreciation, respect, and lots of hugs in return.

It took me a while to realize that living this way was actually having the opposite effect. My constant selfless giving and kindness didn’t automatically earn me a pass on the eternal acceptance subway. It actually seemed to be an invitation for people to take advantage of my generosity, allowing them to feel less anxious about their own lives.

I set myself up to be other people’s emotional dumpster, personal life fixer, and convenient source of blame for their misfortunes.

What I came to learn the hard way is that pleasing others isn’t the way to win their love and respect. I finally realized that if I kept taking on other people’s anxiety as my own, they would never change. And why would they, after all? They got lots of relief from me stepping in and resolving things. But at what cost?

All this pleasing had left me feeling inadequate and stressed out as I watched the recipients of my pleasing play out the same problems and drama, over and over again.

Love At All Costs

One night I had a dream that I was standing in a field with nothing but the clothes on my back. I felt weak and tired, like I needed someone to come lift me up and ask me how I was doing.

Slowly, my family and friends started to join me in the field. But they weren’t there to rescue me; they were there to bring me their troubles.

One by one, they started pulling me in different directions. They wanted me to solve their lives for them, even though I was alone, tired, defeated, and left with nothing.

The dream was showing me the truth about how I was living. When my life and health started to collapse around me like a burning building, I had to take a hard look at my perspective and decisions. I started to question my beliefs about what it meant to be a truly good person, and what it took to receive the love and respect I so desired.

That dream helped me understand that my people-pleasing behaviors weren’t getting me what I desired; they were getting me the very experiences I spent my life trying to avoid.

Back then, it would have been easier for me to blame others for their ungratefulness and neediness; but deep down, I knew that blaming would have been another way to avoid taking a look at myself.

I was sick of exhausting myself trying to help and change other people, only to find that it didn’t work. I knew I had to change myself and, as cheesy as it may sound, give myself the love and respect I so desired. Because the truth is, no one can give you what you should be giving yourself from within—especially not those people who need the pleasing you so easily offer.

After much reflection, I came to see that my pleasing behaviors were a way for me to get the validation from others that I wasn’t giving myself. Of course my efforts backfired, because I alone was responsible for my happiness; other people’s happiness wasn’t my responsibility, and just because I was overly nice to someone didn’t mean they had to treat me the same way.

I was trying to please other people so I could feel worthy of love. In reality, my kindness wasn’t coming from a place of vulnerability, honesty, or acceptance; it was rooted in anxiety and fear.

In my attempts to make everyone else happy, I lost control of my own identity, and they lost their ability to solve their own problems. By changing myself to become who everyone wanted me to be, I made myself less desirable and implicitly invited people to take me for granted.

Pleasing Yourself

Do you find yourself people-pleasing and wonder how you can get the love and respect you desire? Well, the answer is pretty simple, but the actions it takes aren’t quite as simple. The first step involves changing your perceptions. Once that’s done, changing your behaviors will follow naturally. Here are some things to remember:

1. You aren’t treating yourself with love and respect when you regularly do things for others that they’re avoiding doing for themselves.

2. You aren’t treating yourself with love and respect when people violate your boundaries and you don’t speak up about it.

3. You aren’t treating yourself with love and respect when you say yes to something but really want to say no.

4. You aren’t treating yourself with love and respect when you internalize others’ dissatisfaction and take it on as your own problem.

5. You aren’t treating yourself with love and respect when you hurt yourself in order to make others happy.

Over time, I came to understand that my efforts to make other people happy were like deposits made in a piggy bank with a giant hole at the bottom.

If you’re stuck in a people-pleasing cycle, chances are you’re subconsciously attaching to people who need you to soothe their discomfort, because they can’t do it for themselves. Since they don’t know how to manage their own emotions, they’ll continue to reach out to you whenever they’re in crisis—and, on the occasions when your pleasing behaviors aren’t sufficient for them, they’ll blame you for their discomfort.

If you want to make changes in your life, it’s time for you to see this pattern clearly and stop basing your sense of worthiness on other people’s approval of you.

Change your perceptions, beliefs, and behaviors. Make contributions to a bank that pays interest. Receive the love and respect you so desire by celebrating your freedom from the longing to be accepted by others.

—

Editor's note: Ilene has generously offered to give away two free copies of her latest book, When It's Never About You: The People-Pleaser's Guide to Reclaiming Your Health, Happiness and Personal Freedom. If you put other people’s wants and needs ahead of your own and end up feeling ignored, disrespected, and disconnected, this book is for you. To enter to win one of two free copies, leave a comment below. You don't have to write anything specific—”Count me in” is sufficient! You can enter until midnight PST on Sunday, November 5th.

About Ilene S. Cohen

Ilene S. Cohen, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, blogger, and professor. She’s a regular contributor to Psychology Today, with her most recent release of her self-help book entitled, When It’s Never About You. Her work is fueled by her passion for helping people achieve their goals, and lead fulfilling and meaningful lives. To learn more about Dr. Ilene visit www.doctorilene.com.

See a typo, an inaccuracy, or something offensive? Please contact us so we can fix it!

http://www.successwize.com/why-people-pleasers-dont-get-the-love-and-respect-they-desire/

[sarahburness]

Why People-Pleasers Don’t Get the Love and Respect They Desire

This post contains a giveaway. If you're reading this in your inbox, click here to participate on the site.

“Niceness is the psychological armor of the people-pleaser.” ~Harriet B. Braiker

I used to think that being kind, gentle, and agreeable was guaranteed to win me love and acceptance from others. I’d tiptoe around destructive people’s behaviors, no matter how uncomfortable I felt about it, believing to my core that if only I could be nice enough to them, they would one day lead a better life.

I lived my life constantly avoiding anything that might make me look like a bad, imperfect, antagonistic, or unlikeable person. Because as every people-pleaser knows, being disliked or disapproved of feels worse than ignoring your own feelings—at least at first.

Some people were easy to please; a kind gesture or smile was all it would take. Getting their approval so effortlessly made me happier than a kid at Disney World. But with other people, it seemed the more I tried to please them, the more likely they were to treat me like an old dish rag; and the more this happened, the less I liked myself.

Eventually, my efforts to please others left me feeling disrespected, violated, and disconnected—from life, from other people, and from myself.

For many years, I silently endured the ongoing, relentless invalidation of who I was based on how others treated me. When someone close to me was feeling unsatisfied, negative, or in search of someone to blame, there I was, ready to take it.

But no matter how unhappy I was, I still wanted to make them feel better. I wanted to see them happy, even at my own expense.

At the core of these one-sided relationships I maintained with some of the perpetually dissatisfied people in my life was an enduring belief that if only I could solve their problems and make them happy, I’d finally receive the love and acceptance I desired all my life.

I never stopped to think, “But what about me? What will become of me if I keep trying to satisfy people with an unquenchable thirst?” I couldn’t see that no matter what I did, it would never be enough. In fact, it wasn’t about me it all. I didn’t realize that no matter how good I am at solving problems, or how perfectly I can handle things, if someone wants to find fault with me, they will.

Instead of seeing other people’s dissatisfaction as an issue for them to resolve on their own, I internalized it and interpreted it to mean I wasn’t good enough.

But one day, I finally started asking myself some important questions: “What will become of me and my self-worth if I keep basing it on unhappy people’s perceptions?” Who will love and respect me if I’m not even taking a stand for myself?”

My conception of who I needed to be in order to gain love and acceptance was slapping me in the face over and over again like a flat tire driving on uneven pavement. But still, I wondered why my formula wasn’t working. I truly believed that living selflessly was a surefire way to get love, appreciation, respect, and lots of hugs in return.

It took me a while to realize that living this way was actually having the opposite effect. My constant selfless giving and kindness didn’t automatically earn me a pass on the eternal acceptance subway. It actually seemed to be an invitation for people to take advantage of my generosity, allowing them to feel less anxious about their own lives.

I set myself up to be other people’s emotional dumpster, personal life fixer, and convenient source of blame for their misfortunes.

What I came to learn the hard way is that pleasing others isn’t the way to win their love and respect. I finally realized that if I kept taking on other people’s anxiety as my own, they would never change. And why would they, after all? They got lots of relief from me stepping in and resolving things. But at what cost?

All this pleasing had left me feeling inadequate and stressed out as I watched the recipients of my pleasing play out the same problems and drama, over and over again.

Love At All Costs

One night I had a dream that I was standing in a field with nothing but the clothes on my back. I felt weak and tired, like I needed someone to come lift me up and ask me how I was doing.

Slowly, my family and friends started to join me in the field. But they weren’t there to rescue me; they were there to bring me their troubles.

One by one, they started pulling me in different directions. They wanted me to solve their lives for them, even though I was alone, tired, defeated, and left with nothing.

The dream was showing me the truth about how I was living. When my life and health started to collapse around me like a burning building, I had to take a hard look at my perspective and decisions. I started to question my beliefs about what it meant to be a truly good person, and what it took to receive the love and respect I so desired.

That dream helped me understand that my people-pleasing behaviors weren’t getting me what I desired; they were getting me the very experiences I spent my life trying to avoid.

Back then, it would have been easier for me to blame others for their ungratefulness and neediness; but deep down, I knew that blaming would have been another way to avoid taking a look at myself.

I was sick of exhausting myself trying to help and change other people, only to find that it didn’t work. I knew I had to change myself and, as cheesy as it may sound, give myself the love and respect I so desired. Because the truth is, no one can give you what you should be giving yourself from within—especially not those people who need the pleasing you so easily offer.

After much reflection, I came to see that my pleasing behaviors were a way for me to get the validation from others that I wasn’t giving myself. Of course my efforts backfired, because I alone was responsible for my happiness; other people’s happiness wasn’t my responsibility, and just because I was overly nice to someone didn’t mean they had to treat me the same way.

I was trying to please other people so I could feel worthy of love. In reality, my kindness wasn’t coming from a place of vulnerability, honesty, or acceptance; it was rooted in anxiety and fear.

In my attempts to make everyone else happy, I lost control of my own identity, and they lost their ability to solve their own problems. By changing myself to become who everyone wanted me to be, I made myself less desirable and implicitly invited people to take me for granted.

Pleasing Yourself

Do you find yourself people-pleasing and wonder how you can get the love and respect you desire? Well, the answer is pretty simple, but the actions it takes aren’t quite as simple. The first step involves changing your perceptions. Once that’s done, changing your behaviors will follow naturally. Here are some things to remember:

1. You aren’t treating yourself with love and respect when you regularly do things for others that they’re avoiding doing for themselves.

2. You aren’t treating yourself with love and respect when people violate your boundaries and you don’t speak up about it.

3. You aren’t treating yourself with love and respect when you say yes to something but really want to say no.

4. You aren’t treating yourself with love and respect when you internalize others’ dissatisfaction and take it on as your own problem.

5. You aren’t treating yourself with love and respect when you hurt yourself in order to make others happy.

Over time, I came to understand that my efforts to make other people happy were like deposits made in a piggy bank with a giant hole at the bottom.

If you’re stuck in a people-pleasing cycle, chances are you’re subconsciously attaching to people who need you to soothe their discomfort, because they can’t do it for themselves. Since they don’t know how to manage their own emotions, they’ll continue to reach out to you whenever they’re in crisis—and, on the occasions when your pleasing behaviors aren’t sufficient for them, they’ll blame you for their discomfort.

If you want to make changes in your life, it’s time for you to see this pattern clearly and stop basing your sense of worthiness on other people’s approval of you.

Change your perceptions, beliefs, and behaviors. Make contributions to a bank that pays interest. Receive the love and respect you so desire by celebrating your freedom from the longing to be accepted by others.

—

Editor's note: Ilene has generously offered to give away two free copies of her latest book, When It's Never About You: The People-Pleaser's Guide to Reclaiming Your Health, Happiness and Personal Freedom.

If you put other people’s wants and needs ahead of your own and end up feeling ignored, disrespected, and disconnected, this book is for you. Using real-world examples and activities to help you break your people-pleasing patterns, When It’s Never About You can help you get what you want and need—while earning even more respect from others. To enter to win one of two free copies, leave a comment below. You can enter until midnight PST on Sunday, November 5th.

About Ilene S. Cohen

Ilene S. Cohen, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, blogger, and professor. She’s a regular contributor to Psychology Today, with her most recent release of her self-help book entitled, When It’s Never About You. Her work is fueled by her passion for helping people achieve their goals, and lead fulfilling and meaningful lives. To learn more about Dr. Ilene visit www.doctorilene.com.

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The post Why People-Pleasers Don’t Get the Love and Respect They Desire appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

from Tiny Buddha https://tinybuddha.com/blog/why-people-pleasers-dont-get-the-love-and-respect-they-desire/

[djsamaha-blog]

Why People-Pleasers Don’t Get the Love and Respect They Desire

This post contains a giveaway. If you're reading this in your inbox, click here to participate on the site.

“Niceness is the psychological armor of the people-pleaser.” ~Harriet B. Braiker

I used to think that being kind, gentle, and agreeable was guaranteed to win me love and acceptance from others. I’d tiptoe around destructive people’s behaviors, no matter how uncomfortable I felt about it, believing to my core that if only I could be nice enough to them, they would one day lead a better life.

I lived my life constantly avoiding anything that might make me look like a bad, imperfect, antagonistic, or unlikeable person. Because as every people-pleaser knows, being disliked or disapproved of feels worse than ignoring your own feelings—at least at first.

Some people were easy to please; a kind gesture or smile was all it would take. Getting their approval so effortlessly made me happier than a kid at Disney World. But with other people, it seemed the more I tried to please them, the more likely they were to treat me like an old dish rag; and the more this happened, the less I liked myself.

Eventually, my efforts to please others left me feeling disrespected, violated, and disconnected—from life, from other people, and from myself.

For many years, I silently endured the ongoing, relentless invalidation of who I was based on how others treated me. When someone close to me was feeling unsatisfied, negative, or in search of someone to blame, there I was, ready to take it.

But no matter how unhappy I was, I still wanted to make them feel better. I wanted to see them happy, even at my own expense.

At the core of these one-sided relationships I maintained with some of the perpetually dissatisfied people in my life was an enduring belief that if only I could solve their problems and make them happy, I’d finally receive the love and acceptance I desired all my life.

I never stopped to think, “But what about me? What will become of me if I keep trying to satisfy people with an unquenchable thirst?” I couldn’t see that no matter what I did, it would never be enough. In fact, it wasn’t about me it all. I didn’t realize that no matter how good I am at solving problems, or how perfectly I can handle things, if someone wants to find fault with me, they will.

Instead of seeing other people’s dissatisfaction as an issue for them to resolve on their own, I internalized it and interpreted it to mean I wasn’t good enough.

But one day, I finally started asking myself some important questions: “What will become of me and my self-worth if I keep basing it on unhappy people’s perceptions?” Who will love and respect me if I’m not even taking a stand for myself?”

My conception of who I needed to be in order to gain love and acceptance was slapping me in the face over and over again like a flat tire driving on uneven pavement. But still, I wondered why my formula wasn’t working. I truly believed that living selflessly was a surefire way to get love, appreciation, respect, and lots of hugs in return.

It took me a while to realize that living this way was actually having the opposite effect. My constant selfless giving and kindness didn’t automatically earn me a pass on the eternal acceptance subway. It actually seemed to be an invitation for people to take advantage of my generosity, allowing them to feel less anxious about their own lives.

I set myself up to be other people’s emotional dumpster, personal life fixer, and convenient source of blame for their misfortunes.

What I came to learn the hard way is that pleasing others isn’t the way to win their love and respect. I finally realized that if I kept taking on other people’s anxiety as my own, they would never change. And why would they, after all? They got lots of relief from me stepping in and resolving things. But at what cost?

All this pleasing had left me feeling inadequate and stressed out as I watched the recipients of my pleasing play out the same problems and drama, over and over again.

Love At All Costs

One night I had a dream that I was standing in a field with nothing but the clothes on my back. I felt weak and tired, like I needed someone to come lift me up and ask me how I was doing.

Slowly, my family and friends started to join me in the field. But they weren’t there to rescue me; they were there to bring me their troubles.

One by one, they started pulling me in different directions. They wanted me to solve their lives for them, even though I was alone, tired, defeated, and left with nothing.

The dream was showing me the truth about how I was living. When my life and health started to collapse around me like a burning building, I had to take a hard look at my perspective and decisions. I started to question my beliefs about what it meant to be a truly good person, and what it took to receive the love and respect I so desired.

That dream helped me understand that my people-pleasing behaviors weren’t getting me what I desired; they were getting me the very experiences I spent my life trying to avoid.

Back then, it would have been easier for me to blame others for their ungratefulness and neediness; but deep down, I knew that blaming would have been another way to avoid taking a look at myself.

I was sick of exhausting myself trying to help and change other people, only to find that it didn’t work. I knew I had to change myself and, as cheesy as it may sound, give myself the love and respect I so desired. Because the truth is, no one can give you what you should be giving yourself from within—especially not those people who need the pleasing you so easily offer.

After much reflection, I came to see that my pleasing behaviors were a way for me to get the validation from others that I wasn’t giving myself. Of course my efforts backfired, because I alone was responsible for my happiness; other people’s happiness wasn’t my responsibility, and just because I was overly nice to someone didn’t mean they had to treat me the same way.

I was trying to please other people so I could feel worthy of love. In reality, my kindness wasn’t coming from a place of vulnerability, honesty, or acceptance; it was rooted in anxiety and fear.

In my attempts to make everyone else happy, I lost control of my own identity, and they lost their ability to solve their own problems. By changing myself to become who everyone wanted me to be, I made myself less desirable and implicitly invited people to take me for granted.

Pleasing Yourself

Do you find yourself people-pleasing and wonder how you can get the love and respect you desire? Well, the answer is pretty simple, but the actions it takes aren’t quite as simple. The first step involves changing your perceptions. Once that’s done, changing your behaviors will follow naturally. Here are some things to remember:

1. You aren’t treating yourself with love and respect when you regularly do things for others that they’re avoiding doing for themselves.

2. You aren’t treating yourself with love and respect when people violate your boundaries and you don’t speak up about it.

3. You aren’t treating yourself with love and respect when you say yes to something but really want to say no.

4. You aren’t treating yourself with love and respect when you internalize others’ dissatisfaction and take it on as your own problem.

5. You aren’t treating yourself with love and respect when you hurt yourself in order to make others happy.

Over time, I came to understand that my efforts to make other people happy were like deposits made in a piggy bank with a giant hole at the bottom.

If you’re stuck in a people-pleasing cycle, chances are you’re subconsciously attaching to people who need you to soothe their discomfort, because they can’t do it for themselves. Since they don’t know how to manage their own emotions, they’ll continue to reach out to you whenever they’re in crisis—and, on the occasions when your pleasing behaviors aren’t sufficient for them, they’ll blame you for their discomfort.

If you want to make changes in your life, it’s time for you to see this pattern clearly and stop basing your sense of worthiness on other people’s approval of you.

Change your perceptions, beliefs, and behaviors. Make contributions to a bank that pays interest. Receive the love and respect you so desire by celebrating your freedom from the longing to be accepted by others.

—

Editor's note: Ilene has generously offered to give away two free copies of her latest book, When It's Never About You: The People-Pleaser's Guide to Reclaiming Your Health, Happiness and Personal Freedom.

If you put other people’s wants and needs ahead of your own and end up feeling ignored, disrespected, and disconnected, this book is for you. Using real-world examples and activities to help you break your people-pleasing patterns, When It’s Never About You can help you get what you want and need—while earning even more respect from others. To enter to win one of two free copies, leave a comment below. You can enter until midnight PST on Sunday, November 5th.

About Ilene S. Cohen

Ilene S. Cohen, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, blogger, and professor. She’s a regular contributor to Psychology Today, with her most recent release of her self-help book entitled, When It’s Never About You. Her work is fueled by her passion for helping people achieve their goals, and lead fulfilling and meaningful lives. To learn more about Dr. Ilene visit www.doctorilene.com.

See a typo, an inaccuracy, or something offensive? Please contact us so we can fix it!

http://www.successwize.com/why-people-pleasers-dont-get-the-love-and-respect-they-desire/