#anyways Ive started writing...

[larix-laricina]

ok i got home and basically spent the entire afternoon thinking about the au. so uhhhh,,, here's some character sketches and notes

(click it for better quality cuz TUMBLR FUCKIN HATES ME OH MY GOD WHY)

btw for context, MePhone gets kicked out of Meeple headquarters for failing a mission near the start of the story. that's basically his drive, he wants to prove he's a good hunter so he'll be let back in and get his old life back. (bad idea lmao) (it does NOT end up going the way he wants to)

[sunny-knight]

THIS IS HOME

@forgettable-au Fan-Animatic ⭐️

The stars welcome him with open arms…

Work and Progress + Analysis below!

You can find the work in progress things here! because I wanna show the sketch animatic and you can only upload one video…

The entire idea was inspired off of THIS lovely little qna written a bit ago! havnt forgotten about it since! Despite what the AU might have you believe And recently I decided I could just draw out the fun part instead of go through the pain of storyboarding and cleaning up a nearly 4 minute long song 👍👍👍

Thats the idea though, theres no real plot, so no real context I can give other than the things the comic itself already provides. “This Is Home” just works incredibly well for this poor childs trauma, and it was a great opportunity to practice my composition and storytelling!!

Onto the deep analysis of every frame individually!!! (this is normal. this happens every time.)

The idea that Wingdings just eventually- gave up. Trying to connect with anyone. HURTS ME DEEPLY. I’m not sure if thats specifically because he just couldn’t get the font thing down, but I imagine that was a big contributing factor. But thats what specifically stops him here. He eventually slams his keys down on the board and says “IM DONE” and throws himself into a thing he can purely enjoy on his own- science. Even at a young age, I feel he only had 2 lives. One with Sans, and one with science. Then when those worlds combined when he became the royal scientist uhhh- I imagine it got worse.

Speaking of his young age, In these shots he’s also notably a tad older than the later depictions of his younger self with the scarf. Less full of joy and whimsy

“His mind is in a different place” is taken a tad more negatively than in the context of the song I feel, as he’s more or less isolated himself from everyone (but Sans) now in this “giving up” phase of his childhood. I wonder how Sans noticed/took that and if he tried to convince him otherwise, but in this case he just thinks he needs some time to himself.

Also let it be known that the words being crammed in at the “Give him a little bit of space” bit is on PURPOSE and a SILLY LITTLE JOKE/VISUAL GAG GIVEN THE LINE. I AM SO FUNNY.

The colors are also notably dark blues, that get greyer when Wingdings has given up. The light that Sans lets in ((looks into the camera, tearing up)) is still pretty cold despite it being brighter.

The berating is also in uppercase to show most of this is from Wingdings’ pov- I know he speaks in proper casing at this time, but I NEED SOME SORT OF INDICATOR, WORK WITH ME HERE. His main issue was his own self consciousness and desire to communicate properly, since it was said before on the blog that no one really picked on him for his inability to talk to them.

Then we have Papyrus!! The colors are similarly blue, but a lot brighter and a touch purpler and greener. Its from the same world, but not the same person. Also he’s wearing a yellow vest which is the complimentary color to blue ☝️

Papyrus is more heavily associated with warm colors in contrast to Wingdings, but this takes place very early on when he was very confused where his place was (or at least I assume thats what happened). He’s associating with warm colors (yellow) but is somewhat weary about it and still subconsciously clutching onto the comfort in familiarity.

The scene ofc depicts Papyrus being incredibly uncomfortable about any photos of himself as a child. It still definitely…looooks… like him. it just feels really wrong.

Similar thing to last time with the fonts as well, uppercase, Papyrus’ pov, he just wants to know who/WHAT he is.

I enjoy the colors in the photo and how they reallly stand out from the rest of the shot, just another emphasis that the photo feels otherworldly to Papyrus.

This is the part where I start weeping pitifully. The tiny Wingdings to Gaster comparison- it’s just so upsetting, I want to know what this poor child would think if he saw what he ends up as 😭

Wingdings enjoyed dreaming about the real stars he MIGHT get to see one day with Sans. The scene is dark, as it still hasnt happened yet, but still bright and hopeful as he stares up at the light! Its always a possibility. But then we have Gaster, who finally did it. He reached the stars, he gets to look up and say “wow…. I really did it”. Staring up at the void before him. Without Sans…I feel he wouldn’t ponder on it much, and consciously he doesn’t see anything bad about his circumstances, but the crack going down his eye that elludes to a tear says otherwise in the suppressed emotions.

The world Wingdings lived in when he was small, seemed so endless…Despite the underground being small compared to the real world, his imagination was endless. He could dream, he could imagine, and create things, get and give new ideas! But now as an adult that just so happens to be a lovecraftian entity, everything is much more simple and straightforward. At least from his perspective…Gaster may be able to DO way more than he ever could as a small child, but his mind is pretty one track at this point.

I wonder how Gaster feels…Now that they’ve gotten to the surface. without him

Im not sure how Papyrus in the game or even in the comic feels about stars, but Sans for one doesnt have to daydream anymore. They’ve also “done it” just like Gaster, but the hug insinuates less of that and more a “we WON”. They share in this moment together more emotionally than anything.

Again, compared to Gaster and them, they enjoy the moment in their own ways- Gaster just the action of seeing the stars, and Papyrus in what the moment itself means. I feel those are the 2 wants Wingdings had and thats a lot of what Papyrus and Gaster are. 2 halfs of Wingdings’…whole…thing

Also the stars welcoming him with open arms is both in reference to Sans but also Papyrus welcoming/accepting/loving himself…

IN CONCLUSION:

…yknow ive never asked before, but if anyone has any questions or needs clarification im happy to-

[cestacruz]

More TFA no one can judge me ive been reading ok

[hootyhoowoo]

A little 15 min doodle but first post of the year has to be Bingqiu!

[kkoct-ik]

milgram analysis: the orekoto (オレ) of Neoplasm is not the orekoto (俺) of John Doe

analysing both orekotos and then some, how mikoto's dissociation misdirects us, and how mikoto's DID operates to help him function, to express what he needs but cannot tolerate, and to cope with shame.

will be referring both to milgram-en's (John Doe, Neoplasm) and Maristelina's (timeline) translations. thank you for your work!

note on names: for the purposes of this post:

mikoto refers to the person/system, all parts included

'mikoto' refers to any normative mikoto, ie. not either ore. i'm not going to assume the normative mikoto from John Doe is the same alter as the normative mikoto in Neoplasm, because i don't think they are, but that's for another time. for now, I am grouping them together, because, functionally, mikoto's normal parts serve the same purpose and role for this discussion.

ore (俺) and mikoto (俺) refer to the mikoto that appears in the John Doe (Trial 1) voice drama and attacks es.

ore (オレ) and mikoto (オレ) refer to the mikoto that appears in the Neoplasm (Trial 2) voice drama and claims to be the alter who commit murder.

if you can't read japanese, just remember that any name with one japanese character (俺) refers to the ore of trial 1, and any name with two characters (オレ) refers to the ore of trial 2. these are how both ores' personal pronouns are spelled according to the official scriptbooks, respectively.

i also use the word 'unacceptable' 'intolerable' etc. a lot in this analysis. please note i don't use this word in a judgemental way. i will always mean it in the sense that whatever i am referring to 'cannot be accepted/tolerated by mikoto/the world he comes from'.

i'm working with translations and mikoto is a complicated character, so please forgive any slip ups!

thank you for reading.

introduction: there's two orekotos?

mikoto's case, as i've criticised in my last major essay, is often reduced to a conflict between how one votes a system of one 'innocent' personality and one 'guilty'.

as part of the reducing of his character to a split personality trope, it is popular and easy to assume that mikoto only has two major alters: 'mikoto' (who appears normative, uses the boku personal pronoun, and has a confused, sociable demeanour) and 'the other one' (who appears more aggressive, uses the ore personal pronoun, and noticeably switches in at some point during both VDs).

i'm also guilty of this assumption. despite having a sense that things were not that simple, i have assumed, for convenience, that both ores were the same alter, mostly because the ore (オレ) of Neoplasm expresses familiarity with ore's (俺) actions in John Doe (in that he references the event immediately after switching in, amongst other things), and i had no major reason to question that continuity.

at the end of the day, mikoto is mikoto, and since i had (and still have) no interest in attributing guilt to any specific alter, i didn't have a major reason to deduce which alter 'did what'.

(it's also more important to me to dissect what alters think they did and identify with than literally did, because its in how alters psychologically divide up their life and actions once they've happened that their purposes for existing and dissociative functions shine. my last essay was also almost entirely focused on Neoplasm in isolation, so i stand by most of what i said — just replace any assumptions that ore (オレ) is ore (俺) with their new relationship that i'm about to identify.)

all this said, despite surface-level similarities (seeming to use the same personal pronoun, both speaking roughly, existing as a protective force, and identifying as/presenting themselves as the archetypal 'monster'), the way these two alters — ore (俺) and ore (オレ) — function and think are also very distinct from one another. despite the intentional misdirection that would have you assume they are the same part, both ores display very different approaches to responding to and coping with mikoto's life and traumas, and we have seen them emerge respectively based on mikoto's different, changing circumstances within Milgram and the triggers he encounters.

after the extent of this fully dawned on me the other day, it also occured to me that distinguishing them could be very clarifying for how mikoto has grown to function and cope with his life and actions, and also, maybe, finally shatter the illusory binary that surface-level fanon is so attached to.

so. enjoy.

main body 1: psychoanalysing the ore (俺) of John Doe

the ore (俺) that appears in John Doe switches in after mikoto begins to have a panic attack at es' ceaseless prodding.

we can analyse what seems to have triggered mikoto (俺) forward as a starting point for deducing this part's purpose and understanding where mikoto's headspace was at to contextualise his behaviour, so let's assess the situation.

normative 'mikoto', who is present for the majority of John Doe, presumably exists as an alter to allow mikoto to function and engage with people. he seems to do this by having no awareness (or at least, identification) with anything shameful and intolerable, including his murders, and identity as a killer.

therefore, es' insistence to 'mikoto' that he has killed pushes mikoto into a situation that this normative alter is fundamentally unable to handle. es' suggestion of dissociative amnesia also directly attacks the plausible deniability and dissociation normative 'mikoto' clings to to cope. in order to protect himself and preserve his dissociative defense mechanisms, mikoto finds himself required to switch into an alter more suited to this situation, and disengage normative 'mikoto' from this psychological attack.

it is also worth pointing out that es is an authority, and an abusive one at that; considering that mikoto has suffered workplace abuse (as seen in the relentless texts from his chief outside of work hours in Double) it is almost certain that mikoto has been belittled, scapegoated, and pushed to his limits by higher-ups at work before. this situation that es is subjecting mikoto to is not only psychologically overwhelming to his normative alter, but also emulates a source of trauma for mikoto, and thus will absolutely trigger his fight/flight/etc.

lingo: fight/flight/freeze/fawn are words used for different areas of common stress and trauma responses. the principle is, when faced with an overwhelming threat, you may become aggressive and combative (fight), may become restless and want to escape (flight), may shut down (freeze), or may try to appease the threat (fawn).

mikoto is currently in an interrogation room, within Milgram: he cannot run. simply shutting down will not stop es from provoking him. and he has tried to appease es, to be friendly, and seem pathetic, and es has not wavered. the only real option left for mikoto's completely fried nervous system is to remove normative mikoto from the scene, and then force/intimidate/beat the threat into submission.

whew, what an adrenaline rush.

mikoto's (俺) initial demeanour is mostly an expression of his fight response that has been triggered and rage at this situation that 'mikoto' could not handle. mikoto (俺) lashes out at es, yells, curses, and loudly expresses that es' prodding has been far too much for him. he's pissed, and honestly, i don't think he's overreacting. he's far from the first prisoner to attempt to attack es, and he only does it when pushed to his absolute emotional limit, on multiple accounts.

as the scene progresses, mikoto's (俺) rhetoric becomes reminiscent of abusive people of power. a friend i have has pointed out that these lines in particular sound a lot like what a shitty, ageist boss would yell at a young new recruit to verbally abuse them into submission and impose their authority. it's likely ore (俺) is emulating the kinds of things people have said to mikoto, that have forced him into submission, to protect himself, in the hopes that he can turn the tables on es and reap the benefits of becoming the abuser, so to speak. he refuses to engage with whatever es is saying, and focuses on establishing his power through force and verbal abuse.

this bit is speculation, but i do think the fact that es is on the smaller side definitely helps mikoto, triggered into fight response, feel like he should be able to hold power over him. mikoto may see himself in es and feel incredibly angry that es, while small, is in a position of power that he himself never had, with mikoto therefore wanting to put them in their place.

ore (俺) also projects a demeanour of being somewhat sadistic, likely because of just how fucking angry he is at this moment, and especially because es is not easily slipping into the fawning role that mikoto would in his position. he also may be enjoying the high of not being the victim for once, and now that he's in this position, wants to make the most of it, and really prove his point.

essentially, mikoto's (俺) demeanour communicates, don't mess with me, i'm bigger than you. i won't lie down and take this shit, and you have no business hurting or challenging me.

i know this is from neoplasm and is ore (オレ) speaking. i'm using it to illustrate what 'mikoto' does not not do (ie. not cry himself to sleep, not suffer in silence, fight back).

when applying ore (俺)'s demeanour back to how mikoto typically presents and conceptualises himself, it becomes very obvious that everything about mikoto (俺) is intolerable and unacceptable to mikoto as a whole.

being angry, to mikoto, is not acceptable. expressing anger and fighting back against injustice is not acceptable. challenging your place in the social hierarchy and acting outside of socially acceptable behaviour is not acceptable, because all of these are expressions that would lead to dire consequences in his life and within his culture, despite being natural human emotions and expressions.

if these rudimentary and necessary human emotions and rights are unacceptable to mikoto, it can help, psychologically, for the part that handles/contains/expresses them to present themselves as a different sort of person. by wholly dissociating himself from this side of himself — such as this episode, or any other instances of standing up for himself or feeling unacceptable feelings — mikoto can protect himself, and have these unacceptable parts, without compromising his self image; 'mikoto' remains unchanged, unrelated, untainted, because it was absolutely 'not mikoto' that did or felt those things.

what a lovely dissociative contradiction.

the further mikoto (俺) is from how mikoto typically presents, the easier it may be for mikoto to reassure himself that anything they do was 'not him' or 'not real' and entirely cut himself off from identifying with or processing that memory or act. therefore, appearing sadistic when expressing his anger at injustice is not only practical for successfully intimidating es, but may also be part of ore's (俺) (and many of mikoto's parts') presentation as the archetypal 'monster', and clearly 'not mikoto', that helps to reassure mikoto of their estrangement.

this estrangement also helps ore (俺) to protect himself from everything 'mikoto' is associated with (namely, having to be friendly and conscious of his social position, and being a person who tolerates abuse). while the change in accent, personal pronoun, sense of status, the abusive rhetoric he regurgitates, and overall departure from mikoto's typical presenting personality all add to the prior point and to 'mikoto's benefit, it also helps ore (俺) feel like a different person, who is not constrained by having to tolerate things and acting according to his social position. this helps ore (俺) emotionally remove himself from the fact 'mikoto' was trapped and overwhelmed, and allows him to express the intolerable things he does.

unfortunately, emulating the tactics of his abusers and portraying himself as a rough-speaking tough guy who is sadistic and cruel did not go over well with the audience. you might say that this mask was a little too convincing.

we can be almost certain ore (俺) did not fully grasp the position he was in, and the extent of the scrutiny that would go into his behaviour. we can also be certain ore (俺) had no idea he would be unique in being able to attack es, and the ramifications of such.

despite not being uniquely violent as a prisoner, because mikoto was successful in the attack due to the alters loophole, mikoto seems more violent than the others. it also doesn't help mikoto was put under severe psychological pressure, by es being incredibly careless with his dissociative barriers, leading to a sudden and extreme trauma-triggered switch.

it also doesn't help that there is a lot of social stigma in the real world around the mentally ill being unpredictable, violent, and senselessly volatile, and mikoto seemed to align with that, and thus the audience came to conclusions about what this outburst 'meant' about mikoto and the circumstances of his crime.

the audience at large did not like his vibe, and mikoto was deemed unforgiven.

in summary, John Doe ore (俺):

emerges when mikoto is overwhelmed and has his fight response triggered, exhausted of all other options to combatting an overwhelming psychological attack.

presents himself as the archetypal 'monster' (using rough speak, threats, and becoming violent) to intimidate es, stop their prodding at his dissociative barriers that keep him functional and stable, and hopefully prevent further abuse.

main body 2: defining the ore (オレ) of Neoplasm (quick section)

before i dig into Neoplasm, ore (オレ), and ore's (オレ) relationship to ore (俺), i have actually already written an essay and a half analysing ore's (オレ) presentation and motivations in Neoplasm here.

i'm not going to repeat all of my analysis, but i'll summarise the relevant bits, so we are on the same page going forward:

essentially, in Neoplasm, ore (オレ):

emerges coming into trial 2 to be interrogated by es, makes a point to identify 'himself' and only 'himself' as the killer, and spends almost all of his time negotiating mikoto's innocence accordingly.

claims his purpose is to "take it all - bear it all (...) [and] be rid of it."

presents himself as the archetypal 'monster' (using rough speak, threats, dehumanising himself, and making no effort to provide motive or explanation for his murders) to make himself appear unsympathetic and mikoto, in contrast, purely a victim.

you'll see already that the way the two ores function are pretty distinct. despite both having rough demeanours, functioning to protect himself, and evoking the archetypal 'monster', the circumstances in which they come forward and their specific goals in the moment and with their presentations are very different.

despite this distinction, ore (オレ) does intentionally seem to imply that he and ore (俺) are the same, and definitely does not correct this assumption on es' part. so what gives?

main body 3: psychoanalysing the ore (オレ) of Neoplasm

well, let's analyse the circumstances of ore's (オレ) appearance and callbacks, consider ore's (オレ) self-proclaimed purpose and role, and deduce the practical advantages of misleading es and the audience in this specific way.

very importantly, coming into trial 2 and the opening of Neoplasm, the situation for mikoto has changed, a lot.

firstly, mikoto has been voted guilty once. that is to say, whatever mikoto did in John Doe, did not work in his favour. he's also familiarised himself with Milgram by now, and is more aware of his position. so, he's not going to try what he did in John Doe again.

secondly, despite his 'odd case' meaning he has been free to roam the prison, he is chained and restrained for the events of Neoplasm. this also essentially eliminates the chance of any fight or flight response should he be triggered again, doubly.

differently to what brings ore (俺) out, the ore (オレ) of Neoplasm switches in with little fanfare, after a short period of a very dissociated mikoto expressing that he doesn't understand what's going on.

the specific note that he switches in on is on the note of being accused of things — mid sentence, he goes from passively laughing about his hopeless situation, to expressing irritation at it. before the switch, this 'mikoto' expresses that laughing things off comes naturally to him; it's likely this 'mikoto' is unable to feel or identify with frustration as 'himself', hence, the switch.

i also think, due to ore's (オレ) role (as the scapegoat alter who identifies with acts, takes blame and singular responsibility, and may already be planing to lean into his disconnect from 'mikoto' to absolve him), it was very necessary for him to come forward and negotiate with es at some point. hence, the situation of being interrogated by es (and specifically, the topic of blame) brings ore (オレ) forward.

after es immediately verbally takes note of the switch, ore (オレ) makes himself known; he does not pretend nothing has happened or continue with his train of thought. he immediately calls back to ore's (俺) actions in John Doe, implying that this is the same alter that perpetrated them, and generally associates himself with these parts of mikoto that are typically intolerable to him.

(note that while in the original text no specific personal pronoun is used, the obvious implication of bringing up the attack on es immediately after switching in is to create a connection between 'that' ore and 'this' ore. also, assuming the audience has a rudimentary understanding of DID, this alter not having amnesia for the event would also imply that it must be the same alter that perpetrated it.)

in my opinion, and the reason i was typically reluctant to interrogate which of mikoto's alters 'did what', the only reason for calling back to an alter's continuity like this is to establish blame. this goes double when the continuity involves associating yourself with typically intolerable (and socially unacceptable) acts, and triple when, as we have seen as Neoplasm progresses, this alter is generally entirely concerned with taking blame for 'mikoto' to relieve him of culpability and negotiate his physical and psychological freedom.

assuming ore (オレ) is associating and aligning himself with ore's (俺) actions as a way to take the blame for them, there are a few ways we can make sense of this decision.

1: in light of what we know about ore (オレ) as a scapegoat alter who clearly hates himself, who has taken responsibility for their murders to protect 'mikoto's self-image, one likely answer as to why he takes responsibility for ore's (俺) outburst is because he is an alter that handles shame.

even towards the beginning of Neoplasm, ore (オレ) expresses a desire to be dehumanised, and implies that typically, he is not considered human, likely because that would make matters of shame simpler: he is irredeemable, he is a monster, he is everything wrong, this is simply who he is.

this makes it likely to me that whenever mikoto expresses intolerable things or feels shame/is shamed for acting inappropriately, it would be the job of this alter to internalise the emotional fallout, reinforcing this self-image, all slightly away from normative 'mikoto', to protect 'mikoto's self esteem and ability to function. this existence would require ore (オレ) to be aware of any shameful things mikoto has done, including any standing up for himself as mikoto (俺).

mikoto essentially disowns and vilifies anything he does or expresses he considers socially unacceptable through having mikoto (オレ), who sees himself as a 'monster', take responsibility for all his shameful acts. ore (オレ) also handles and makes sense of the overwhelming shame mikoto feels for these acts, expressions, and abuse he has suffered through this way of seeing himself.

this implied long-term vilification of and 'inherent badness' to ore (オレ) could also tie in to a possibility of ore (オレ) existing before the events of milgram, as a part of mikoto that handled shame in his daily life and due to his everyday traumas.

it is also very common for other alters to reinforce introjected abusive rhetoric and lash out at parts that contain and handle shame.

when the person, as a whole, has been made shameful, but most alters cannot handle that level of shame, a typical response is for most alters to dissociate from it, and instead emulate the abuse they have suffered and inner critic they have developed onto only a part of them. this dissociative scapegoating protects the majority of the system from the feeling and experience of being shamed and belittled by themselves, and contains the overwhelming shame in one extreme, but often repressed part.

the fact the majority of mikoto's alters' seem psychologically unable to handle being or acting shamefully, instead blaming and verbally abusing a part who takes responsibility and is scapegoated for everything, and feels shame for everything, is textbook.

i find it likely that to protect himself from abuse at work, mikoto subconsciously separated himself from the 'him' that felt shame, and this alter grew to develop the belief that he must be, and may deserve to be made, responsible for everything.

2: in light of what we know about ore (オレ) as a scapegoat alter who intends to sacrifice himself while bearing all mikoto's sins, one likely answer as to why he takes responsibility for ore's (俺) outburst is also because mikoto's (俺) acts have put him into deep trouble.

towards the beginning of Neoplasm, ore (オレ) comments that one reason he feels he has been out a lot, as opposed to normative 'mikoto', is because of their guilty verdict. i find this makes sense. because 'mikoto' was labelled as culpable for his actions and the audience did not buy the alter excuse, mikoto has been forced from normalcy and forced to reside in a shame part more suited to this reality, where 'mikoto' is unforgiven, socially unacceptable, and labelled as 'dangerous' and otherwise ostracised.

mikoto, in general, does not seem very happy about this. after all, it's in his best interest to remain normative and functional and socially accepted. therefore, mikoto needs to work out how to be forgiven, and overcome the social predicament he has found himself in (both in terms of being a murderer, and being considered a 'volatile' mentally ill man due to his outburst).

the strategy mikoto lands on in Neoplasm comes in the form of ore (オレ) scapegoating himself for the murders, claiming to es that he perpetrated them without mikoto's consent or control, yada yada, as explored in my last essay.

considering the predicament mikoto is in is not only about being a murderer however, and ore (オレ) considers his role to "take it all - bear it all (…) [and] be rid of it," it would also make sense that for his attempted crucifixion, ore (オレ) would take on the responsibility of everything that has rubbed the audience the wrong way, before promising to vanish.

this includes his murders, but it also includes mikoto's (俺) intolerable and socially unacceptable outburst in John Doe, and mikoto's general being considered 'a man with alters, that make him dangerous'.

ore (オレ) wants the audience (and also, probably, himself) to think that after he has 'disappeared', everything unacceptable about mikoto will be gone; the 'alter that murdered', is ore (オレ), and will be gone, the 'alter that lashed out in John Doe', is ore (オレ), and will be gone, and perhaps even 'mikoto's alters in their entirety, that frighten people', are only ore (オレ), and will be gone.

hence, ore (オレ) takes responsibility for everything, before promising to vanquish it, accumulating every symbol and act and demeanour that may have made mikoto unforgiven, and promising to be rid of it, in the desperate attempt to return normalcy and forgiveness to themselves.

(in fact, he even may have implied he and ore (俺) are one and the same, and thus leaned into the presumption that there are only two alters, to make his (オレ) decision to vanish seem like a 'cure' for mikoto's DID (in leaving only the 'normative alter' in existence), and therefore free mikoto from the socially unacceptable status of being an 'othered' mentally ill man with alters, a status that has become apparent as Milgram has progressed and mikoto has been scrutinised. i hope i don't have to explain that you don't 'cure' DID by lobotomising yourself, and mikoto is currently learning this the hard way, based on his T3 lines, but as long as the audience is swayed to this way of thinking, and it is possible ore (オレ) genuinely believed removing all trace of mikoto's mental illness in 'vanishing' 'his alter, who is responsible for everything unacceptable' could help, is all that matters.)

this, actually, brings me into the third element, that i'm going to make a nice little title for, despite being a continuation of the ore (オレ) psychoanalysis, and another possible reason for why he gives us the impression he and ore (俺) are the same.

main body 4: mikoto's convenient false binary

as i said when i opened this essay, mikoto's case is often reduced to a conflict between how one votes a system of one 'innocent' personality and one 'guilty'.

when it comes to approaching and attempting to understand mikoto's crime, many people abstract him, and reduce him to a stock, hollywood, split-personality stereotype. this model, while simplistic and reductive, is easy for a lot of people to understand.

compared to real DID, in which a person is so conflicted on themselves and their actions that it sometimes feels as if they are possessed, and may not understand what they do or who they are, with a lot of muddy middle ground between self-states, identity and memory discontinuation, and blurring, split personality trope provides clearly defined boundaries.

clearly defined boundaries are an illusion in DID. they are also something a person with DID may attempt to reinforce when something a part of them handles or represents is intolerable to them. drawing a firm boundary in their mind helps them feel that they are separate from this part of themselves, and may help to explain the feeling of separatedness: 'if i feel it, it must be true'.

often, it is easiest for a person with DID to make sense of themselves to see themselves as multiple distinct entities, reflecting the different parts of self they have and the barriers between them. and yet, even so, most people with DID struggle with blurriness and existing beyond the confines they've drawn in the sand to make sense of themselves. at the end of the day, a model for understanding one's self is only a model.

that is to say, DID is messy, contradictory, and muddy.

mikoto, with no real coping mechanisms to overcome his symptoms, at the end of his psychological rope, and on the chopping block in Milgram, with already one guilty verdict under his belt, is not in a position to be messy, contradictory, and muddy.

he needs to be easy to understand. he needs to have clearly defined boundaries.

not only is it personally important for ore (オレ) to take the blame alone for all of his shameful actions, and then disappear, but if ore (オレ) can sell to the audience that there are only two alters, clearly defined, one innocent and one guilty, and play along with how the audience stereotypes and abstracts him into a conventional split-personality trope, ore (オレ) can sway the vote to his favour, and attain a forgiven vote, providing (relative) normalcy and social acceptance within Milgram for 'mikoto'.

by leaning into the false binary, creating false continuation between different normative mikotos and between different scapegoated and unacceptable mikotos, and make it seem as if there is no middle ground between them, mikoto creates a 'good' and an 'evil', a 'guilty' and an 'innocent'. he can compartmentalise everything in him that he feels has caused him abuse, blame all his outbursts and crimes on it, and then promise to vanquish it.

and if, 'without' his unacceptable, parts (who are clearly 'monsters', killers, and act out without reason) he is only his normative selves, who have 'done nothing wrong' and were 'helpless to their other side', and will never cause any issues again, the question of what Milgram's audience should do with mikoto becomes simple.

you vote to forgive mikoto.

and wow, it really worked. well done, mikoto. well done, ore (オレ). well done leaning into your own complex dissociation, the illusion of defined boundaries, and the audience's own pop-culture understanding of DID.

conclusion / tl;dr:

the ore (俺) that appears in John Doe and ore (オレ) that appears in Neoplasm are two separate alters. despite appearing on a surface level to have similar demeanours, and both portraying themselves as 'different kinds of people' to mikoto to help mikoto reassure himself they are 'not him, their triggers, actions, reasons, and motivations are distinct.

while ore's (俺) demeanour, aggression, and rhetoric serves to intimidate and challenge an overwhelming threat and escape from the confines of 'mikoto's identity to allow him to protect himself, ore (オレ) emulates a similar demeanour to portray himself as a shameful 'monster' who does not conform to socially acceptable behaviour and represents everything unacceptable about mikoto, to serve as a scapegoat.

despite the fact they are different, ore (オレ) intentionally leads the audience to believe that he is responsible for mikoto's outburst in John Doe, likely due to his role as an alter who handles mikoto's shame and takes the blame for everything mikoto deems unacceptable about himself, as well this claim being convenient for his ultimate plan to be crucified while bearing every unacceptable part of mikoto, in the pursuit of mikoto's forgiveness.

ore (オレ)'s misdirection also ties into the illusion of alter separatedness and mikoto's false binary, that he both utilises to cope, and to navigate the Milgram audience's expectations, as a strategy for securing his forgiveness, as well.

epilogue / reflection

i accidentally strayed into another essay i'm working on towards the end there. i am fascinated by how mikoto responds to the label of DID and conforms to the audience's stigmas and models they apply to him. a full essay on that train of thought is in the works. hang in there. that end bit was just a taste, i guess.

as always, please let me know if any of this is incomprehensible. i can be wordy, and i may accidentally use inaccessible DID jargon. if i have, please let me know and i will correct it. it is very important to me that my analysis can be understood and discussed (and even challenged!) by a wide audience.

anyway, pat yourself on the back, because, even not including text in images, you've officially read 5k words of nonstop mikoto analysis. this is longer than my 'john didn't do it' essay. holy fuck.

i hope you enjoyed. & thank you for sticking with me

no funny meme this time. go mikoto dance.

[thenewgothicromance]

Obsessed with the way the passenger (2023) juxtaposes the incredibly serious with the comically absurd. And they exist simultaneously, never contradicting each other. I love how it manifests in the visual language of the movie, and is also at the core of the story! I think it's so important to the ethos of the movie that the genesis of Randy's life-altering trauma is sort of ridiculous. It being ridiculous does not change the emotional impact of it on Randy, and it's still treated with tenderness and gravity.

The sharpness of the juxtaposition feels sort of surreal or jarring at certain moments, but I think it's actually part of what makes the movie hit a real, emotional nerve. The thing that's been haunting you for years does not always seem so obvious out of context. Or sometimes the thing haunting you IS so obviously unspeakably bad that it's going to kill you, and the only way you can talk about it is to say something as trivial as, "I wanted to be a giraffe when I grew up."

A fuzzy yellow sweater and childhood sexual abuse. A lifetime of denying yourself agency or personhood, and a woman with a color-coordinated eyepatch for every outfit. A brutal workplace shooting and bedazzled stuffed animals.

Which speaking of, it's also why, in my opinion, the epilogue does work. It reverses the dynamic from serious with a side of comical to comical with a side of serious. Our focus is on the eraser game, the sillier part of Randy's traumatic story, while the lasting impact of violence lurks quietly in the background (Randy's still physically injured, he's still got the jacket). And then the last shot of the stuffed animals is the *chefs kiss* on top of the whole thing!

[bigcats-birds-and-books]

looking around my bedroom like "damn i really did manage to cram books into every spare inch of this space, huh"

[calamarispiderart]

been watching doctor who (2005) for the first time. umm. ?????? ??????????

[ethosiab]

Geminitay gets me. Sometimes you gotta put your favourite guys in tubes. For science

[fatedroses]

Two former military elites taking merc jobs perform absolutely hellish battle tactics together.

[doomedclockworkdotmp3]

heeyyy gaaanggg

the pose and the background of the album version (left) are based on oingo boingos only a lad album art. not cause i think he has anything to do with it but just cause ive been wantin to draw that pose for like. weeks and i didnt know who to put there. so why not my latest bug man.

[liass-21]

takes more to be your man, i'm the one who understands

“But you were shot,” Ethan insists, like a non-lethal bullet wound to the side ranks equivalently on a scale of badness as total nuclear annihilation.

a post-final reckoning retrospection on ethan, benji, and whatever the hell they've gone through to get here. oh, and benji's bullet wound.

[pup-pee]

bart having 2 learn how 2 run again would ruin me

[make-much-of-time]

The urge to write an anderperry fic where it's Todd being stuck sith chemistry and Neil teaching him chemistry bc I.............. like.............. chemistry now? What is happening to me.

[listlesswhistle]

AAAAA im thinking about Ingo in Legends Arceus again. They really fucking did that. Im so insane about it, like-

Okay. So. You have this preestablished thing in Pokémon called Fallers. Basically its people who fell into the pokemon world from an entirely different universe. Sometimes theyre alternate versions of known characters. The one thing they all have in common is that they remember nothing from before they fell.

With me so far? Good.

Now we move onto Legends Arceus. Here we are, some hundred or so years in the distant past, exploring the wonderful land of Hisui when, hold on, is that Ingo? The train man? You're in the wrong time period, my guy! And what's that? His memory's gone? Damn that sucks, alt-Ingo got a real shitty deal when he Fell. Trains haven't even been invented yet smh.

Anyway, case closed. Just another Faller making the best of what they have. Cool, but nothing new, lets move on right?

Except. Maybe not.

You see, this "Hisui" region has a little bit more going on with it. Its actually the ancient version of the modern day Sinnoh region, and theres all kinds of fun little details tying the two together: location names, area themes, little nods to Sinnoh myths and pokedex entries, the whole nine yards. Huge gen 4 nostalgia trip. Theres even a bunch of characters that are just blatantly ancestors of important DPPt characters. And you betcha the pokemon match as well!

Yeah, thats cool, but what does this have to do with Ingo again? Weelll, turns out, two of those gen 4 pokemon makin a comeback just so happen to be the gods of time and space. And things have gone a bit fucky with them.

There are these things called "space-time distortions" going around, popping up all over the place, sitting there lookin like big, spooky soap bubbles, and spitting out objects and pokemon from all over the timeline. We're talking dinosaurs and data viruses. Because of these things, Porygons technically existed before the computers that birthed them. And while its never explicitly stated that they're how Ingo got there, how else do you suppose the New Yorker ended up in feudal Japan?

"Alright, that makes sense, but didn't you say he lost his memory? Isn't that kinda a whole thing with fallers?"

Oh yeah, right, thanks for catching that! I guess this was a bust after all. Time travel's not exactly new to the pokemon universe, and it doesn't usually cause memory loss, barring extenuating circumstances. (Ingo didn't turn into a pokemon, so I think we're safe on that front) This isn't even the first time Dialga's gone mad, actually! He must really be a Faller then. I mean, what are the odds that Ingo just tripped into a random space-time distortion, only to run into something entirely unrelated that just so happens to be well known for erasing memories, perfectly replicating the symptoms of a Faller?

Buckle up, this is where things get interesting.

So, when Ingo faceplanted in Hisui, he got picked up by this group called the Pearl Clan. They're this native tribe that worships Palkia, but like, under the wrong name, and they think Dialga's a false version of their god worshipped by these other natives, and they're actually kind of both right, except not, because they thought the were actually worshipping the creator god, Arceus, and it's this WHOLE thing. That's not important. What matters is that they picked up Ingo. Just. Remember that. Pearl grabbed Ingo.

Now, aside from the two big gods and their good ol' poppa Arceus, there's actually another trio of minor gods who took care of smaller business. Relatively. They like to rest at the bottom of three lakes spread around the region, and each one represents a certain gift they were said to have given to the world: Uxie, God of Knowledge; Mesprit, God of Emotion; Azelf, God of Willpower. When Arcues made them, the went out, did their thing, gave their gift, then went straight to bed in their lakes, where they stayed for... pretty much ever. Yeah, these guys are actually pretty chill. Apparently theyre tied for highest base friendship out of all pokemon?

Getting back to the Pearl clan, their camp in the Alabaster Icelands is actually pretty close to Lake Acuity! Way closer than any other settlements are to the lakes, at least.

I know what you're thinking: "What does ANY of this have to do with Ingo's memories??" Well, there's one more thing we need to cover about the lake trio. Y'see, there's this little myth about them, hidden away on a shelf in the back of modern day Canalave library. As calm and relaxed as they usually are, its easy to forget that they're still gods. Powerful gods. Direct decendants of Arcues themself, embodiments of the very gifts which they gave unto the world. The myth goes that, should someone be foolish enough to raise their hand against the lake gaurdians, they would quickly find that those gifts can be taken away.

Harm Azelf, and find yourself as still as stone, drained of even the willpower needed to move. Touch Mesprit, and find yourself in a pointless world, drained of all emotions, joyless and empty.

…Look into Uxie's eyes, and find yourself lost and confused, fallen into a world unknown, without even the knowledge to find your way back to a home you can't remember.

...Yeah

Hisui is plaqued by Distortion, ripping creatures out of their proper Time and Space. Uxie makes their home at the bottom of Lake Acuity, just outside where the Pearl Clan makes camp. The Pearls found Ingo alone, no memory of his past, no evidence of how he came to them.

So you see now. How I might be a little obsessed.

Oh, are you still wondering if he's actually a Faller or not? Well…

I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA!

This was the first game he appeared in since Black and White 2, and he hasn't been mentioned since! His story is never expanded on!!!

He's probably? not??? Unless he fell out of an ultra wormwhole and into a distortion?? And the ultra beasts couldn't find him??? They literally NEVER hint at a possible cause for his arrival in game, I think. We're just. Left. With this.

What the fuck.

[irlbop]

Copia can talk shit at and roll his eyes at his pops all he wants — that doesn’t change the fact he’s very much like Papa Nihil. It wasn’t in how he carried himself, definitely not. And it wasn’t in his sexual prowess or even in his showmanship.

No….It was that Copia, much like his father, was a goddamn simp.

Had he been confronted before about what he felt his biggest weakness in a relationship was, he’d probably half-jokingly answer, “Perhaps I can be a bit, eh, too passionate. It’s the romantic in me.”

Well. If what he felt for frivolous flings and brief courtships was passionate, then he hadn’t yet found a word to fully capture just how adoring he was of you. Mainly because when it came to you, his mind was aflame with blazes normally found only in the pits of Hell. In fact, in moments of lucidity, Copia would imagine that that was how they very well got there: Perhaps the Old One scooped them up and placed them inside of him, as a gardener might thoughtfully place a treasured bloom meant to grow into a bushel most brilliant and blazing.

It would make the most sense, after all:

Whenever he gazed upon you, whether you wore your most simple cut of habit or donned your most greasy and stained of relaxation clothing, Copia swore you were meant to portray a second fall of Man.

As though Satanas commissioned your creation, and Asmodeus took special care when carving your form and breathing the fire of life into it.

When you smiled, the inferno inside of his mind and chest would flashover into his cheeks, painting his face nearly as red as his tracksuit. When you giggled at his antics, his heart lurched against the cage of his ribs, begging and pleading to be released so that it might merge with yours. Never to be separated, as one single, throbbing thing. When you scolded him, the fire would travel down low, the smoke rising just enough to cloud his mind and leave him wanting to crawl upon his old knees to beg for your forgiveness. He’d even kiss the tips of the expensive shoes he’d insisted on gifting you; it was the most sensible thing to do, after all.

Primo would chuckle and call it a grotesque version of puppy love; Secondo would sniff and call him a masochist; Terzo would taunt and jeer with accusations of him being pussy-whipped.

And while part of the youngest Emeritus brother wanted to feel embarrassed and assert himself as the strong and competent leader he was meant to portray himself as…If any of them ever had somebody like you, he knew they, too, would fall to your feet in worship.

To beg you to let them be your acolyte, to weep for the privilege of serving you, of servicing you. Ah, but that was Copia’s job and Copia’s honor alone. One he performed most devotedly.

You were created for worship, and he, your sole devotee.

Only unlike his father, he wasn’t going to fuck this up — not when he could imagine fucking only you.