#because although i DO want to hide in case u think im weird... i also believe what im saying... passion and enthusiasm is the way to go

[rebornofstars]

really whats interesting to me is that if u stay involved in a fandom long enough u get an evolution of scrolling from: ooh! - ooh! - ooh! - OH i didn't realise this was a trope - ooh! - OH - ooh! - ooh!!

to smth more like: read that - read that - oh LOOK it's my mutual - omg that one looks SO GOOD i love the trope subversion - wrote that - read that - oh my friends have been screaming about this one - wrote that - oh LOOK it's my mutual - read that - FRESH MEAT LETS GO SAY HELLO and its

SO beautiful and joyous. being a member of a community is fun!!!!! being so familiar with a tiny corner of the internet is fascinating!!!!! seeing the connections between yourself and other people is crazy cool!!!! we're all here on the web page together!!!! i see you and i love you!!!!!!

[relaxxattack]

hi im asking u this bc u seem to be bee duo enthusiast so

ive been calling c! beeduos relationship platonic because i thought that was what their cc’s said, and i thought they had said that they were uncomfortable with ppl shipping the characters. But ive seen a lot of posts that say their relationship is canonically romantic? and i absolutely do not want to come across as homophobic by watering down a mlm relationship to just friends because that happens so much in media so.

what is the canon state of their relationship / ur opinions on the platonic thibg

dont worry abt answering if u dont want to!! i see a lot of differing opinions and i trust yours :)

aw it’s totally fine, im flattered you asked me about this!

let me put it simply: it’s a whole mess, lol.

first im going to talk about what’s happened fandom-wide that caused differing opinions, and then i’ll explain my own opinion/interpretation. :]

(this got really fucking long im so sorry)

ranboo and tubbo initially proclaimed the relationship was romantic, specifically in argument with the wiki editors who had set it as platonic by default. (you can see this in the vod where they decide they’re canonically married— it’s very funny. chat tells them the marriage is already on the wiki, they check, tubbo is jokingly offended that it says platonic and asks if he needs to up the romance).

tubbo also makes jokes about adultry, which sort of implies the relationship is not necessarily a platonic one.

(theres definetly more in that stream alone but it’s been a long time since i watched it so i don’t remember a lot of it.)

the wiki, because of this, suffers from going back and forth on platonic and romantic, seemingly unsure where the joke ends and the canon begins, or if its canonically a joke! a mess, as you can already tell.

this gets more complicated as the marriage bit goes on: outsiders, such as phil and scott, both at one point say “platonic marriage”, which then ranboo and tubbo agree with. however, when chat asks them if they’re platonic, they say the opposite. so there is a lot of confusion there.

there’s also the difficulty of being able to tell streamers and characters apart. ranboo and tubbo both don’t like being shipped irl, and that’s their boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed. (they’re also minors, but tbh when they’re 18 in a year i will still be following their boundaries regardless of their legal age).

due to people not wanting to be accused of minor shipping, they started adding the platonic tone indicator to most of their drawings— basically a way of saying “no homo”. meanwhile, tubbo frequently on stream flirts with ranboo and makes quite a bit of nsfw comments towards him that are frankly hilarious.

this goes on for a while with nobody really sure what’s canon, but a lot of people assuming it’s probably platonic, until: the drama of the mods night. a few mods dmed all the wiki editors telling them ranboo wanted his canon character relationship officially set to platonic.

unfortunately for those mods; the very same day, a few hours later, ranboo on stream makes fun of puffy delivering him and tubbo “friendship flowers”. because, and i quote, “bruh. we’re literally married. this must be how the ancient greeks felt.”

in case you don’t know, the internet often jokes about how historians will call ancient greeks ‘very good friends’ when they are quite obviously gay. so in this context, ranboo is joking that people will call him and c!tubbo, who are married, “close friends”, when he doesn’t think they are.

basically, ranboo canonized romantic bee duo, the very same day the mods told everyone he’d wanted a platonic one.

chaos and drama immediately erupted everywhere. on tumblr, we were talking about how weird it was of his mods to do something like that without asking him first. we ALSO talked about how weird it was of them to assume that ranboo can’t make his own decisions, or assume teenagers cannot be in relationships without it being sexual. twitter did the same thing but in the opposite direction: called ranboo mods homophobic, or said they were mad ranboo felt pressured into making a romantic relationship canon ‘just so people could have mlm rep.’

i dont want to go into detail about the drama that happened that night because apparently official people follow me and i dont want to stir it up or have them come “clarify” things. im just saying what we talked about.

ranboo in typical ranboo fashion apologized quickly and seriously. he was deeply sorry for possibly offending anyone with how he’d portrayed his rp relationship with tubbo, and he also assured everyone the mod thing was just a miscommunication.

he said he would talk to tubbo and they’d decide once and for all whether it was platonic or romantic, and then announce so everyone would know.

it’s now been a few months and we've had no word from them on that development. we still have no clue.

-

now, here’s my opinion:

i want to take ranboos word for it that it was a miscommunication with his mods, but... we had it on good authority from people on the wiki team and people in the discord with the mods that (while it was happening) they were really going after the wiki admins, and also made some weird comments about it. that combined with the way ranboo seemingly had no clue (considering he canonized their romance that very same day).... it’s very. sus of the mods.

then there’s the canon we’ve got since then. although occasionally adults in the room have called it a “platonic marriage” and tubbo once (back when it first started) called it a “plankton tectonic” marriage, in roleplay it’s been... kind of not that. tubbo and ranboo make nsfw jokes about each other in character, and their characters also share a master bedroom and bed in the mansion. there's also the way c!tommy really thinks it’s a romance between them as well, and they agree with and play off that— for instance confirming that they “fell in love” when he asked, or ranboo confirming that they “make out on occasion”.

people will still put platonic on their art and posts, imo, because they’re worried about breaking ranboo and tubbo’s irl boundaries by looking like they ship them. or even just being accused of shipping real life minors. and that’s a valid fear to have.

the thing is though: c!bee duo are not cc!bee duo. they’re roleplay characters. cc!bee duo are not okay with being shipped, but they made their characters get canonically married, and call each other “husbands”. so it’s okay to write the word “husband” in your comic without adding “platonic” to it, i promise.

telling the ccs that their characters have to be platonic is... weird. it comes off as not only babying them, but also as saying teens can’t date without it being gross. which isn’t true.

(this is why seeing people overuse “platonic husband” so much bothers me. like, they ARE husbands. you can just say it. what are you trying to hide...?)

-

do i think they’re canonically romantic? ehh, its likely. it’s still okay to interpret them as platonic, because again, it’s hard to tell where jokes end and roleplay begins. like, maybe it’s jokes in the rp too, and c!bee duo are just friends. friends can and should be allowed to make jokes like that with each other! aro & ace marriages exist!

or, maybe it’s actually part of the rp, and they’re very much romantic. we don’t know!

some people say they could be a qpr (queerplatonic romance), which i could see. (a qpr is a relationship that fluctuates between, or can’t quite be sorted into, “romantic” and “platonic”. people in a qpr can do romantic things while having platonic feelings for each other). in my opinion this is a very valid interpretation as well!

-

CONCLUSION (sorry this got so long omfg):

are c!bee duo romantic?

its likely, but you can still interpret them however you like!

should i put /p on bee duo content?

ehhh? i find it annoying when it’s overused (as do others), but if you’re worried you can. its up to preference. putting it too much is weird though

should i put /p on things cc! bee duo do?

no. you’re not the one saying it so you can’t decide the tone tags for that. imagine you said something to your friend and a random stranger came up and was like “haha but that was /p right...?”

can i ship c!bee duo?

mmm. i’m not sure on this one. they are canonically married and very flirtatious, but the ccs don’t like being shipped and they’re close enough to being the ccs that actively shipping might be against boundaries.

can i treat c!bee duo as romantic?

yes. literally just don’t be weird about it. it’s not that hard! you can understand that two characters are husbands without making it weird

here’s the most important thing: boundaries. cc bee duo still haven’t told us what their preferences and canon is about this whole thing.

right now, i am assuming based on what they already show us they’re comfortable with, but! the second they give us any more info! all these opinions will change!

i am only going off what they do. i would never want to cross boundaries at all. i just wish they would make theirs a little more clear.

..... i hope that helped anon, i went way off the rails... i need to go to sleep.

[rhymingtree]

Hi! hope you’re doing well i was just wondering if for your Ghost in Westview story(love it so so so much btw) do you have any pictures of inspo for what ghost wore through the decades?

HI!! I'm doing okay how bout u?? Thanks for reading Ghosts in Westview. Yes, I do have pictures for her wardrobe, but they aren't strictly what you could imagine her to wear and that's okay! I also have a few notes, but they're more like rambles.

~Darke had very little input in what Ghost wears in Westview, so all of these are my interpretation and how I think her clothes tell her part of the story.

If anyone has any feedback or suggestions or anything, I'd love to hear them!

50s

In Chapter 3, when Ghost and Danny reunite, I've always imagined them to be dressed like Audrey Hepburn & Gregory Peck in Roman Holiday:

There's a certain disorderliness in her wardrobe while they go around Rome that makes me think of Ghost, but in a calmer, more youthful way. She's also a lot happier right now. She kind of has a feeling something's wrong, like how Anne kind of realizes that Joe is acting weird the whole time they're hanging out in Rome.

But when we see her in Wanda's show, I thought she'd look a bit more like this:

Fitting with Wanda's wardrobe, as if Ghost was given her own wardrobe by Wanda. It fits her style, but it still wasn't her choice of clothing, hence a dress that follows Wanda's silhouette and style. Of course, we don't see the colors of her clothes because it's all in black and white, and that I think, makes Wanda's control over Ghost's life in Westview more solid. She fits better in the sitcom that way.

60s

In the 60s, Ghost gains a bit more control over her own style as she slowly regains her memories.

I think Ghost would lean towards a more fitted silhouette, but still somewhat comfy and practical instead of stylish the way everyone else in Westview, or Wanda might dress.

And since we see her at the pool, for some reason I see her wearing this:

I'm aware that High Society is from the 50s, but I couldn't help it.

70s

Finally, colors.

I don't think Ghost would be as colorful or psychedelic as people dressed in the 70s. She and Wanda have very similar color palettes in this episode, but the difference is in the shape and silhouette. Then again, Wanda's clothes are looser because she's pregnant.

Ghost's silhouette is similar to Geraldine's but a bit less bright. Although, I think she'd rock eyeshadow too.

Earthy tones and fall colors. Greens because green is a nice color. It also means reassurance and safety, which is a role that Ghost has played in Wanda's life so far. Though, she's kind of repaying that but also doing the exact opposite of safety and reassurance in this case, because she yeeted Monica straight out of Westview to protect her family and Ghost, but the role she made Danny play in Ghost's life was to keep her safe and be her reassurance. So I guess her clothes mirror Wanda and Danny, but also towards the end becomes an irony?

80s

Ghost during the 80s is kind of trying to break the pattern of going with Wanda's flow. But, what's sort of anchoring her to that flow are Billy and Tommy.

She's more nurturing at this point, kind of pulling away but staying because she loves 'em. And she wants to figure out who she is and what Danny is hiding from her.

That arc reminded me of Princess Diana. So... she's wearing Lady Di's casual fits now I guess 😅

Sweaters and piggy-back rides. Yes, these are from the 90s but shhhh

Basically what's going on in my head right now is, she's trying to beat the system, whatever game Westview is, she's trying to win. But she's got too much at stake. She could lose Danny or she could lose the bond she has with the twins. She also knows that there are dangers both pulling her out of Westview, and trying to push her further in.

Princess Diana is now Ghost (im kidding im sorry)

Halloween

I know I asked @darke15 about this... but I went the other way hehehe. I gave the zombie thing to our dear boy Ollie (for obvious reasons. He's undead right now)

If you're wondering about Danny's costume... I don't know where I thought of the Peaky Blinders costume. I guess I thought he'd look good in a coat like that...

The gunslinger costume comes from Red Dead Redemption's character designs.

At first I was going to give her a pirate costume, like Mary Read in Assassin's Creed IV. Because Mary is also a master at lying and trickery, managing to convince everyone that she was a dude pirate. In the same vein, Ghost has managed to keep up so many appearances, lying to a shit ton of people throughout her life.

But I thought, considering her upbringing and her marksmanship, a Gunslinger cowgirl would be a better fit for her. No specific characters, and it's not too obscure. She'd also look great.

Another one I was considering was Coraline. But Coraline's a child and it was literally just a raincoat so I thought, nah. But Coraline and Ghost were both trapped in fantasy, too-good-to-be-true worlds, with replicas of people in their lives that are eerily like the real ones, but aren't.

So far those are the only ones I can give examples of, since in the next chapters we're entering the modern era, so she can wear whatever comes to your mind.

One of the reasons why I was so excited to write this was because I wanted to play dress-up. I geeked out with these.

Hope this was helpful!

[richietoaster]

Review/Reaction of IT Chapter Two

Let’s just start right off the bat and let me just say that Bill Hader better get a fucking award for his performance.

Alright. Here we go y’all. im trying to stay in order with what happened but so much happened in the movie that my brain is just all over the place so excuse me while i try to form words

UNDER THE CUT CONTAINS MAJOR SPOILERS

• first opening scene is a fucking LOT okay like i sobbed my eyes out and it was just not cool. adrian and his boyfriend? CUTE AF. Him getting brutally beat up and then killed by Pennywise while Don just watches? NOT CUTE AF

• Mike is a precious boy and I love him so. He cares about his friends so much holy shit. they all get mad at him for lying to them tho.But he only did it to protect them. Mike knew some SHIT(tm) our boy is so smart?? I’m glad they kept to his original storyline

• Older Bill gave himself so much shit this film and i just felt so bad. like we know it isnt ur fault okay?? We know you loved your brother, stop putting yourself down. also?? him becoming protective over dean? please stop my aching heart. 

• Jessica Chastain owns my whole heart and she can kick my ass anyday. She plays Bev so well and captures young bev’s personality so well. her scene with mrs kersh was very weird. i knew the second she ran naked in the hall i’d be seeing some weird fucking shit okay 

• Jay Ryan could kick me and I would personally thank him like?? wow what a man. He immediately recognizes bev when he first sees her and im just?? im happy. so many hidden new kids on the block reference and it had me fucking rolling in my grave

• JAMES FUCKING RANSONE MY DUDE OH LORD okay listen. he gives off young eddie’s panic and chaotic energy so perfectly i felt like i was watching him as an adult, who just never grew up. I think thats what he was going for honestly. He played eddie SO FUCKING WELL 

• I’m so sad about stan. THats all you need to know okay. I’ll talk about his letter later on in this. Stan deserved better. that’s all. 

• if you are not a fan of vomit you’re not gonna enjoy richie tozier. literally any time something bad happens hes just like ah shit here we go again *vomits* and honestly? that made me laugh. like hes just like oh shit something is happening let.. let me just.. no no its fine guys ill catch up.. EHBWFIJHDFSIJ no okay but bill hader stole the fucking show. his acting was phenomenal and,, again,, i’ll add more onto that later. 

• richie scares the shit out of dean. because he thinks hes pennywise. but can you blame him? the kid just. stared at him all creepy and shit. but its so funny. the losers make fun of him bc he doesnt know his own lines from his acts and richies just like “I dont write my own material” and eddies just like “I KNEW IT! I FUCKING KNEW IT” dead. goodbye.

• Young losers were still my favorite part honestly. Eddie kept bouncing that stupid ball in stan’s face in the clubhouse and i was waiting for him to get punched in the face tbh. That didn’t even seem like eddie, that was Jack’s energy bursting through the seams lmfao

• young eddie runs into a fucking box and shrieks and if that isn’t me idk ewhdfiajksjdoi 

• THE FUCKING. HAMMOCK. SCENE. okay listen to me. thats gay. hammocks are now gay. gays only. gay interacts only. the bickering between reddie had me in TEARS. eddie kept kicking at his face and just?? casually??? lays on him when richie wont move?? 

• stan’s fucking shower cap ehfdiujasdiosa and then richie being like “nobodys afraid of spiders stanley okay” and eddie slowly removes his because he cares what richie thinks more than spiders ok

• a flashback from after they defeated IT in the first move with reddie “eddie youve been gone for 24 hours your face is most likely on a milk carton by now” “shut up richie” 

• yong Richie has me weak af this whole movie, like always. just getting on Eddie’s case. HE PINES SO HARD OH Y GOD Like wow my sweet boy is so fucking in love ouch. which?? BRINGS ME TO MY NEXT POINT??

• THE ARCADE SCENE?? he checks out the kid standing next to him and tries to get him to hang out more and then the other kid tells him to stop being weird because he’s not gay, too, and then uses the F slur. richie was just so hurt. paul bunyun scene happens after that and hes just like “I just shit my pants” and i cried. 

• pennywise screaming “lets play truth or dare, you wouldnt pick truth! you dont want them to know your secret” gave off the same energy as eddie’s leper blowjob scene from the book. same energy. do with that as you will. 

• they had some flashbacks that included pennywise and im not sure if this was before or after they had defeated IT in the first movie but i interpreted it as after and if thats the case... hes supposed to be dead. but now thinking back on it, it was probably just more scenes before they put pennywise to rest for 27 years. 

• young richie went to the kissing bridge after that and we ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THERE. fucking.. r + e :((( although we don’t see him carving the E. but reddie is canon so suck toes antis

• stephen king pretty much being like “I know u and ur endings really do suck” to bill when he comes to buy his bike was so fucking funny. it almost felt like a self insert lmfao. ALSO HIM MAKING BILL PAY 300 BUCKS FOR THE BIKE BC HE KNEW HE COULD AFFORD IT? iconic. 

• richie and eddie opening the door to the dog had me laughing. pennywise was just mocking them at that point. they’d be such good dog dads and now im sad

• i was really confused because they added part of stan’s bar mitzvah?? like it wasn’t even the same from the first movie. like they should’ve just put the deleted scene in from ch. 1 and then added that part. thats one of my very few complaints. im slowly hiding them in here. 

• henry bowers was kinda irrelevant in this honestly but thank you eddie for stabbing him and richie for killing him for trying to kill mike yall heroes 

• BEVS BLOOD SCENE ?? CORRESPONDING WITH BENS BURIED ALIVE SCENE? poetic cinema. 10/10

• the big fight really disappointed me in all honesty. but i think thats because andy said he cut so much from there. i expect it to be better with the director’s cut

• eddie saving richie and then immediately being stabbed by pennywise’s claw? IM DEPRESSED.

• “Rich! rich, i did it! i think i killed him!” Our boy was so happy with himself :( 

• eddie’s last words WERE NOT “i fucked your mom”. he was talking to richie and you can hear them talking while the rest are preparing to end pennywise. so im hoping we get that as a deleted scene. 

• richie goes back to help finish pennywise but when he goes to check on eddie.. he’s dead. ://// and bev is like “richie, come on, honey.. im sorry” and richie does not want to believe him. he grabs and hugs eddie so tight i swear i could feel that hug from the audience. 

• another thing im disappointed in and am sliding in is some of the animations? Like. fucking weird. but okay. luckily i didn’t care too much.  

• THE SOB that richie lets out when he holds eddie really hurt my fucking soul jesus christ just kill me

• the losers try cheering him up after and like. thats their friend too but you can just totally tell he’s crying in a different type of grief. THAT WAS HIS FIRST FUCKING LOVE. 

• they all remember after and thats really important to me okay

• stan writes letters and its spoken outloud while the other losers get little montages of what theyre doing with their life after the battle. Richie goes back to the kissing bridge and recarves- YES RECARVES AND YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE THE E BEFORE HE DOES- he recarves the E and while doing it, stan’s voice says “be proud of who you are” and im fucking cry ibg okay

• in the end, i give this movie a 7/10 rating. although some of the animations were weird and some of the flashbacks had pennywise in it (like hes supposed to be currently dead but ok... maybe nightmares??) the actors were PHENOMENAL and the chemistry between older richie and older eddie made me so happy. my ship is canon. but im still sad about stan and eddies death. 

• ignoring canon in 3.. 2.. 1.. now 

[wincestious]

Okay I swear your artwork is amazing like literally, you are now one of my top five favorite artists on Tumblr. Also, I saw that you sometimes answer requests? If you do, could you please (like I'm begging on my knees please) draw Demon!Sam and Angel!Dean just going out for a really cheesy date? (The more bad puns the better). Thanks for reading this! Have a nice day!

Dean frowned.

Why?

Because, Sam - although being taken on a perfectly cheesy, romantic, share-a-fucking-milkshake date - was frowning, glaring down at his hand and staring solemnly at the ketchup as if it was the one to fling him from heaven.  Dean found the whole brooding thing quite offensive, and propped one naked foot onto the booth seats and leaned further into his brother.

“Hey, uh, Mister Tall, Dark, and Handsome, what’s with the long face?”  He asked, laying his head on Sam’s shoulder and Sam gave him a passive side glance.  The demon proceeded to then have the audacity to look around the mostly empty diner, as if Dean could have possibly been speaking to someone else.

“Yeah, you - the only ‘Tall, Dark, and Handsome’ around,” when assured he had Sam’s attention, he continued, although the demon looked to still only be half listening, “I have you here on this awesomely romantic, classic milk shake date, and you’re still all this.”  And with that word he gestured to his face, to the faux grim frown, and Sam’s eyebrow quirked.

“What ever do you mean?”  Sam drawled, resting his cheek on one fist and Dean found that better than Broody-Mc-Pouty-face.

“Oh, I’m sorry, were you not here for the last thirty minutes of me babbling about how weird human toes were?  Because I was legit doing that.  Hell - you agreed to paint my nails, and to let me braid your hair you were so distracted.”  Dean said, threw one hand out in exasperation, and Sam chuckled.  Improvement, at least.

“I was just thinking on how to rid myself of one certain destroyer of my ‘bad assery’.”  Sam quoted Dean’s previous words, and Dean gave him an amused glance.

“Oh, yeah?”  Dean asked, looking up into Sam’s black eyes - he noted how Sam stopped hiding them now, and that was something that made Dean’s heart flip more times than necessary - and Sam shot him a small smirk.

“Yeah, I figured if I’m to go all out, I need to really perfect my image.”

“Dye your hair black, that’ll help.”

Sam seemed to ponder that a moment, looking up to the ceiling and Dean near giggled at the serious look of contemplation.  “There’s a thought.”  Sam finally said, stroking his chin and Dean turned onto his knees, leaning over into Dean’s lap and hands resting on Sam’s knees.

“Oh, maybe file your teeth too, get them pointy - also, why not we get you some tear drop tattoos?”

“Black lipstick?”  Sam shot back, and Dean nodded with a hissed laugh.

“Oh, yeah, absolutely.  You’ll be on everyone’s fuck list.”

“Hm…”  Sam stroked his chin again, “well if I’m going all out then shouldn’t you do so as well?”  Sam eyed him, and Dean quirked a brow.

“Aren’t I already?  I mean, look at this face - totally innocuous and trustworthy.”

“Yes, but..”  Sam leaned forward, tracing Dean’s lips and cheeks.  “Why not a little bit of pink lipstick, maybe some rosy red blush for your nose and cheeks - become a pretty princess to stand for the ‘truly good’.”  Sam quoted that, scoffing, and Dean personally felt that one.  

Seemed these days the ‘good guys’ were all sorts of assholes.

“Okay, but - then you hafta’ buy yourself a nice leather outfit, complete with chains and choker.”  Dean said, eyeing Sam and trying - and failing miserably - to picture Sam in a gaudy trench coat littered with chains and upside down crosses.

“Then you’ll have to put on a nice, frilly pink dress.”

“Fuck you, I’d look fabulous.  You’d look like a giant poser dork.”

Sam pulled a face, thought a moment, then nodded, agreeing.  “You have a point, there.”

“Course’ I do, I’m always sorta right, in case you haven’t noticed.”  Dean said, tossing an old, soggy fry at Sam’s face and laughing when the demon threw a projectile of his own - a fry that had sat out even longer than Dean’s, resting so elegantly in the liquid that steadily perspired from their milkshake.

“Oh - yes, you’ve never been wrong before - that’s why your garrison almost caught you with me when you decided going to a fucking church to have your weird fantasies play out was a good idea.”  Sam hissed through his teeth, playfully glaring down at Dean and Dean couldn’t rebuttal that one as well as he would’ve liked to.  His face flared red, ears burning and he looked to the side, glaring a moment at the lovely family seated some tables away from them.

They all looked to be having such a nice time, perfect wife, perfect husband, perfect two kids and whatever amount on the way, and Dean childishly stuck his tongue out at the youngest child when it stopped smashing it’s pancakes with grubby fingers to look at them with wide eyes.

“Hey, Dean, you know I’m messing with you, right?”  Sam said, face worried and Dean turned to look back at him with a reddened face and mix of playful hurt.

“B-but, Sammy, you know I don’t kink shame you, a-and the thought that you -” he broke off there, pitching his tone high and stuttering for effect only to have the demon give him an unimpressed curve of brow.

“You’ll have to do better than that.”  Sam deadpanned and Dean’s face instantly turned sour, puckering his lips in a pout.

“What if I cry?”

“I’ll salt your wounds.”  Sam gestured dangerously to the salt sitting all innocent like on the table and Dean gulped, flopping onto Sam’s lap fully now and finding comfort in the dark trap between table and Sam’s jean clad thighs.

“Spoil sport.”

“Kinky fucker.”

“You’re kinkier.”  Dean shot back, all childlike-eloquence, and Sam could only shrug a shoulder at that.

“You got me there.”

“Yeah, and you got me here right now, so let’s go back to discussing how exactly I’m going to braid your pretty hair.”

“I didn’t agree to that-”

“Oh, but you did, now, do you want the dutch braid, or the french braid?”

“Neither.”

Dean just grinned devilishly, because Sam had to rest his eyes sometimes - humans had some things down correctly, and sleep was pretty bad ass when you needed a break from heaven-hell politics.

And the second Sam deemed it time to take a break?  Dean would so be ready with the perfect tutorials to have Sam waking the prettiest demon of the bunch.

-

THERES NO PUNS BC IM TERRIBLE BUT HERE ENJOY MY FROND

also hehehehe glad u like my stuff, makes my cold ded artist heart all fuzzy on the inside :’)

[o666-999o]

im in a hotel with amanda in canmore writing this in bed with my eyes closed

im thikning about how i need to get better in various ways like

i need a job

i think i should.want tovolunteer at cjsw, which means first i hae to contact them and then go to an orientation

i want to feel good with amanda and i want her to feel good ith me

maybe i need to smoke less weed

why am i like stck 

it feels like i’m frozen or something

or not frozen but 

im stalled

or on the fence or something

about what? maybe on the ence is the wrong way o say it

what am i even saying

it’s like i want to say “it feels like there is osomthing wrong wiht me” but like im afraid to say something like that

i want to be able to say “i feel like im good at art” but 

art

music

am i good at that stuff?  my dedication and self-dicipline have , perhaps its fair to say , maye they’ve been lacking or in short suply over the years

i hae put a lot of time and effort   ,,,, and money! ,,, into )ugh i have that  i wrote moneytlike that but im still in the dark with mey eyes closed so i can’t backspace it _ gghhgh

gh

gh

im like

i feel pretty proud of the progress ive made with msic

i’ve always had the passion but my skills and inderstanding and all that , it wasn’t there

i was pretty bad at it i think probably actually ugh 

i dont like thinking  like that it doesnt feel good to like feel bad ugh lol

i think ive come a long way anyway

i think maybe ? i had more of an innate tallent for for art maybe?

maybE?

it came easier i think

but i didin’t stick with it

like seriously its like my life is a series of almost starting things

i left my kids

and was unable

was unable?

to push through all of the anxiety and fear and terror )terror?_) 

yeah i was fucking so afraid i felt like i could hardly move or breathe

i ocouldn’t push trhough it 

or like, get over myself?

to be there for them

yet i’ve hung on to it

i want to have been there

i want to be there

and yet i don’t

i’m n lsjkf

saglaskgj

i’m not

i’m not there

and i can’t let it go

and like

the art thing

i got into it and took to it naturally and got into art school

although i must admit

because i was 

wasa ?

i anyway i wonder now

did i have the tallent myself to get in?

because there were those figure drawings of nad’s that she let me put in the portfolio

to ensure my acceptance

because i didn’t have figure drawings

and i was with her daughter, i ghesS?

fuck

anyway i didn’t go to art school

i’ve just been like smoking pot and trying to get laid and having reckless relationships and making bad decisions and doing a lot of drugs and drinking and just aimlessly going

and here i am

ncertain and felling ill-positioned and ill-equipped to deal with it

i often question my existance and my experience and reality 

and i dont know what the fuck like

am i crazy

because i feel confused and scared and threatened

i isolate myself

like i cna’t get enough time alone

even though i spen basically all of my time alone

and i have this like longing to connect with people

but the actual experience of being with people is so like draining and exhausting and hard to deal with and mmaybe like sometimes or even often like not even like a good time?

like, a drag, man

and what am i

and where am i

like i mean i know im in bed in canmore in this weird hotel where the lightswitches are like down at mid thigh level for some reason? and the peep-hole in the door is also extremely low? like i had to stoop considerably to peep

but what is life

like, life, man

ugh pfff

guh

its just like

how can i make sense of all the information i take in about the world aroudn me, and how can i find my berrings in th

in wa;haracteristic of my behavior, or like would it be fair to describe it like, when the going tets tough, i bail?  i feel like there may be some truth in that

god am i like super evasive?

and like so ... hesitant?  the first wordi thought was squeemish

to like

commit

just keep on moving

running away

and i want to say like “and always trying to save the day” but idk if that’s tru tho, like, i just watched a dr who episode and that’s basically his character

not like all that stuff aforementioned,

just the part , the running, and the trying to save the day

have i just been going wherever the going is easy?

is all of this shit a cop out?

i’m on medication

and like

ok ok

two meds, welbutrin and concerta

and i have bene taking dexedrine also because i feel like the concerta is not enough

and i have all this dex i sourced illicitly

the other two are persrribed

rn i can’t even twll if i’m like just caught up in some fucking web of lies and self delusion and i’m just a fucking drug addict who is tring to escape reality

running away from the hard tstdifficult stuff, the gugly stuff, the unfortunate, the unpleasant, 

i’m only very recently

now i’m thirty three just recently mind you 

who am i talking to this is a locked tumblr

so im talking to me i guess

if i ever read this

i’m probly cringing

if i’m anything like i have been, lately?

my heart sinks when i wrote that

and im like torn, about being completely honest with my counselor and my pschiatrist about the dex

because im afraid that they will think im a drug addict or like a user or abuser or something

because like

it feels like it makes it better

but thats what it feels like when u get a fix for your thing right

a fix of

or whatever

but then like

what am i missing?

i’m not sure if that’s the case or what’s the cause but like, here i am

ddid i write cause up there if i did i meant case

k

like

here i am

idk if any of this makes sense

because i’mnot looking at it

just like streaming it out

is it fair to say that, i’ve stuck with music?

like there’s been this dogged persistance

like a stubborn refusal to accept that i had no tallent for it 

that i was bad at it

like did i want to be arock star or something?

i cant even handle the extreme minimal ammount of attention it seems

but like

do i want, admiration?

recogntion?  aproval, respect, esteem

my friends were all better at it than me

having been in band, i just picked up the bass to be in a punk band and i played the our notes and like didn’t understand anything but all this....something

passion?  energy?  

is it more focused now, or is there less of it

dik if its like that

kids are like that, full of spunk

right?

spunk gross

energy

zest wtf

vigour

vigor

spirit

but like

every time a path is laid out before me

like i got into art school, i just had to do it

but its like

i dont do it

and yet with music

it’s not a path

it’s like this fucking awful terrain

or even like, a wall or something

and yet that’s where  for some reason it seems for whatever reason i’m pursuing making music

just keep on going htat way

inching along

i probably know less about music theory now than my friends did coming out of highshool

but i’m becoming a pretty ,,good?  

music producer

im getting better anyway

for the first time im like finishing

songs

and feeling good about them

proud of them

listening to them over time and not feeling ashamed of them

and feeling like

i’m achieving someting

even though

no

one

hears my music

cares about it

and like i guess thats on me right

i dont share it

i hide it

as if like what

am i waiting for the people closest to me to express an interest in it?

maybe that would be nice but

thats not it

its like

its like

i dont wan t to show it, if its not good

show

share

present

 put out there

slkhg;aslkgj

like where am i reletive to everyhting or something?

who am i and what am i supposed to be doing

because like

is it fair to say that when the going gets tough 

what was i saying

has it been c

ok so i have been writing for so long with the screen off but it hasn’t been being typed

fuck this stupid shit anyway