#before steve was taught to repress

[sashaforthewin]

“Steve, your babysitter is here! Behave, don't make a mess, and we'll be back home around bedtime.”

Steve watched his parents greet an old man on the front porch, then leave. The old man had very little hair on top, but he had a friendly smile. As soon as his parents' car was gone, the man tapped on the window of his truck in the driveway and an older boy popped up.

“Steve, I'm Wayne and this is my nephew Eddie. I didn't have anyone to watch him and I didn't want to leave him alone, so I figured I'd bring him along and you two can play together.”

“Okay!” Steve said, excitedly. He grabbed Eddie by the hand as soon as he had climbed out of the truck.

“Uncle Wayne, I don't want to play with a baby!” Eddie complained.

“He's only about a year younger than you.”

“Which makes him a little kid,” Eddie pouted.

Steve was undeterred as he pulled on Eddie's hand to get him into the house and up to his room.

“My dad said I can't play house, so do you want to play G. I. Joe?”

“Sure,” Eddie shrugged.

“Okay, I'll be the mommy and you can be another mommy,” Steve told him.

“Wouldn't I be the dad?”

“No, dads are always mean but I don't want you to be mean.”

Eddie thought about that and decided Steve was right, dads are always mean. Even in TV shows they're usually mean to the mom.

“Yeah, alright, but we can still be married.”

“Obviously,” Steve stated, like it would've been truly dumb to think they wouldn't be married in this game.

Steve handed Eddie a G. I. Joe swaddled in a dish towel and they proceeded to carry them around like babies and pretend to feed them and change their diapers.

After a couple hours, the boys were called downstairs to have dinner. Eddie rolled his eyes when Steve knocked over his drink and then proceeded to cry. Wayne gave Eddie a warning look, though, so he didn't call Steve a baby out loud, he just thought it as loudly as possible. Then he felt bad for not liking Steve when he gave Eddie all the chicken nuggets he didn't want to finish and insisted they hold hands under the table. Despite thinking Steve was just a dumb little kid, he didn't hesitate running back upstairs to play after dinner. They were in the middle of a fairly good game, after all.

“Steve! Your parents are on the way home, you start cleaning up and getting ready for bed. Eddie, help clean up and then get your things!” Wayne called up the stairs.

“You should come back every time Wayne babysits, you're fun!” Steve said. He jumped towards Eddie and wrapped him in a big hug and leaned in to kiss him.

Eddie tried to wiggle out of the hold and away from the kiss, but Steve was decently strong, so he got hugged and a pair of puckered lips briefly pressed to his cheek. He made sure to wipe his cheek dramatically so Steve knew kisses were gross. Didn’t this kid know about cooties?

Then Eddie went and hid in the truck when Wayne told him to, and a few moments later, he heard Steve's parents pull up. They asked Steve if he had fun and Steve had proudly declared that he had played G.I. Joe all night and that he wanted Wayne to babysit every time.

[capvsuper]

I Will Never Forget Him.

Steve Rogers x reader | Marvel Universe | +18 mdni!

tags — eternity, immortality, grief, love, loss, heartbreak, melancholy, war, tragic romance, slow burn, existentialism, memory, loneliness, soft angst, found and lost, emotional repression, second chances…

word count — 4962.

masterlist

When Steve vanished into the ice, a part of me froze with him. The military offered no explanations. Just dry statements, written by hands that had never understood what it meant to lose someone like that. The headlines called it heroism. “Hero Disappears After Heroic Mission.” But I knew. Long before the papers. Before any official announcement. I knew it in my flesh. In the blood that doesn’t flow, but pulses silently inside me. I felt it.

It was as if time had suddenly collapsed. As if the very universe had taken a step back. A void cut through me like a blade—cold, precise. And it wasn’t a new pain. I knew this taste. I had felt this absence before. But with him… it was different. It hurt for real. Because with Steve, I had started to believe that maybe the world could touch me again.

I ran.

I did what I always do when the world breaks me. I left. I didn’t cry in public, didn’t make promises, didn’t bury symbols. I just went. I crossed countries with silence as my only luggage. I hid behind forgotten names, new accents, faces that meant nothing. I changed my body like changing clothes. I distanced myself from time, from memory, from the past. But I couldn’t distance myself from him.

Steve was trapped beneath tons of ice. And I… trapped in memories. Frozen in the past. Stagnant on the inside, even as the world around me kept changing.

It’s hard to explain what it means to live… always. Eternity is not a gift. It’s a cell. An endless time, where everything passes—except you. I wasn’t created. I wasn’t chosen. I simply existed. And to this day, I don’t know if that was a mistake.

I have no memories of birth. There was no mother. No arms. No name. The first image I have of life is pain. My body bloodied. My chest torn open by an ancient blade. The field on fire. Dead men around me. And me, there, in silence. Alive.

Always alive.

For centuries, I believed I was a monster. And maybe I was. I killed before I even knew how to speak. I carried crowns and spears. I was called king—at a time when women didn’t even have the right to a name. I was goddess, plague, curse. And for a time, I accepted those titles. After all, when the world calls you a mistake long enough, you learn to make mistakes with precision.

But then, she appeared.

It was in India. So many centuries ago I don’t even know if the world still remembers. I was wounded. Fleeing after a rebellion. An uprising I myself had started, of which only ruins remained. Blood, dust, hunger. I stumbled alone down a dirt road, dragging my body, trying to find shelter. It was night. The world was quiet. And for the first time in a long while… I cried.

That’s how she found me.

A girl. Skin golden from the southern sun, eyes so dark they looked like they held the midnight sky. She knelt beside me and offered water. I tried to recoil.

— “I can’t die,” I murmured, voice thick. “I’m a curse.”

But she ignored me. She washed my wounds with small, determined hands. As if I were made of ordinary flesh. As if she wasn’t afraid of me. As if, somehow, she already knew that monsters need care too.

— “If you can’t die, then you must learn to live,” she said. “You can’t live alone.”

I stayed. She took me to her home, a small mud-and-straw hut where we slept on the floor and ate with our hands. She taught me her language, her gestures, her laughter. She taught me to plant, to sew, to wait for the rain. I learned to listen. To be silent without fear. To smile without pain.

I learned to love.

Not romantically. But absolutely. She became what the world had never been to me: home. I called her sister, even knowing we weren’t. She smiled at that.

— “Maybe we’re made of the same clay,” she’d say. “Maybe your curse is just another form of being lost.”

I stayed with her for years. Longer than I stayed with any other human being. And for a time, I wanted to stay forever. I wanted to be just that: a woman, living. Not a shadow, not a weapon, not a plague. Just someone who loves.

But time, as always, took what gave me peace.

She got sick. A violent fever. A body too small to bear the invisible fury of death. She died with her head in my lap, whispering a word in her language that meant thank you. I couldn’t answer her.

I stayed. To bury her. To cry. To break inside once more. I stayed to hate time, the way I had so many times before.

⸻

After that, I became what the world demanded again. I became others. Other selves. Yes, I could change. My body was malleable. Woman, man, young, old, white, black—I learned that the world judges quickly, and no one sees the soul behind the skin. But the soul… the soul never changed.

Always the same.

Tired.

Wounded.

Alone.

Until Steve.

Steve, with his eyes that never learned to lie. With his courage born of doubt. With the way he said my name like it was a secret. He wasn’t the first to love me. But he was the first to love me knowing. Knowing what I was—silence, shadow, aftermath. And even so… he stayed.

Now he’s gone too.

⸻

Today, I sat at the edge of a glacier. The wind cut at my skin, but I didn’t shiver. I looked out at the white, endless horizon, as if trying to find some answer in that mute expanse. I thought of him. I thought of the darkness Steve must be in. Trapped. Still. Frozen in a time I don’t know will ever return.

— “You saved me the day I was going to give up,” I whispered. My voice came out weak. My hands too.

— “And now… you sleep. And I remain.”

I closed my eyes and returned to India. Returned to the mud house. To the warmth of my sister. To the smell of wet cloth drying in the sun. To Steve’s smile, smudged with graphite. To his voice saying my name with tenderness and care. And for an instant—just one instant—I asked.

I asked to die.

I asked again.

But as always, time merely looked at me—and let me live.

“If you can’t die, then you must learn to live.”

But no one ever taught me how to live with a frozen soul.

⸻

It had been decades. I watched the world rebuild itself with hands still dirty from war and eyes dry from forgetting too quickly. I saw new weapons, deadlier. New ideologies, better disguised. New deaths, always with the same excuses. I witnessed the birth of technology, the advancement of science, the domination of screens. And with it, came the coldness. The haste. The forgetting. Everything so fast, so loud, so empty.

And I… kept existing.

When Steve disappeared, I knew. The very moment it happened. I didn’t need newspapers or military reports. I felt it. As if time had held its breath. As if the world had paused for just a second — just long enough for me to know he was no longer here. But even so, I went on. Because there was no alternative. For the first time since I became what I am, I considered the real possibility that he might not return. And I accepted it. Or, at least, I tried.

⸻

It was Howard Stark who found me.

Not on purpose. Not with intention. But with that instinct dangerously intelligent men have when they notice something is out of place. He didn’t recognize me immediately. But he noticed. That I didn’t age. That my name never changed, but my old photos were in records from different decades. And Howard wasn’t the kind of man who ignored anomalies.

— “You’re a fascinating freak,” he once said, holding a glass of whiskey and with that gleam typical of people who’ve already thought about turning lives into projects.

— “Thanks. It’s always a pleasure being called a freak.”

He laughed. That’s what made him unbearable and, at the same time, bearable. He was quick, arrogant, sharp. And he knew it. But for some reason, he liked me. Maybe because I wasn’t impressed by anything. Or maybe because I reminded him that not every exception could be measured with formulas.

I ended up working with him. Secret projects. Energy, weapons, technology. SHIELD. It was inevitable. He wanted me close because I knew too much. And he liked impossible answers. One day, in an underground lab, he said:

— “You know things no one else knows.”

— “Because I saw them,” I replied. “Before anyone even thought to write about them.”

Howard never asked me directly who I was. But he watched. Tested. Asked questions disguised as jokes. That was his way of trying to figure things out without showing too much interest.

As for Steve… he never brought him up. Not once. Not because he didn’t care. But because the pain was in him, too. And some pains, even for geniuses, are not meant to be spoken aloud.

⸻

Steve in the army was everything I feared — and everything he always was. Before the serum, he already put others before himself. Even weak, sickly, with bones like glass, he wanted to fight. Wanted to protect. Wanted to make sense of the time he had. I remember what he told me one night, while the sky was clear and he was preparing to ship out:

— “It’s not about me. It’s about what I can give.”

Then came the serum. And the body changed. The muscles, the speed, the reflexes. But the heart… that stayed the same. And it was the heart that killed him. Because the world exacts a high price from those who love more than they should.

⸻

Steve died like all the others.

Hero. Icon. Legend.

To the world, it was a tragedy. To me, it was just another invisible headstone. Among the thousands I carry in my memory. Graves that don’t exist. Names no one remembers. Pain that only I still feel.

Howard grew old. Then, died. Murder. Without glory. Without noise.

His son, Tony, grew up with the same brilliance as his father, but none of the tenderness. When I met him, he was already an adult armed with sarcasm. Brilliant. Wounded. Insolent.

— “Who exactly are you?” he asked me once, analyzing my eyes like a puzzle.

— “The one who held your father’s hand when he thought the world was about to explode.”

He didn’t laugh. But he never forgot.

⸻

The years went by. And I stopped counting.

I ended up with the Avengers not by choice, but by the lack of one. SHIELD knew what I was. Fury considered me an asset. Of undefined value, but impossible to ignore. An ancient piece in a modern game.

Tony treated me with a mix of fascination and provocation. He threw barbs, feigned indifference, but he watched. Like his father. He wanted to understand. And maybe, deep down, he just didn’t want to feel so alone.

— “You don’t like me, do you?” he asked one day, while we calibrated weapons in a hangar.

— “You remind me of everything I’ve lost. And you still have the audacity to live like time is a joke.”

He didn’t answer. But he looked at me with something that, for a second, wasn’t arrogance. It was recognition. Pain disguised as irony. Like he too carried something he couldn’t put down.

⸻

With the others, it was different.

Clint respected me, like someone who recognizes a kind of war that isn’t spoken aloud. Natasha feared me, but pretended not to. Bruce studied me in silence, as if every word I spoke was a code he still couldn’t decipher. Thor… Thor looked at me with strangeness. As if I were an echo of something he’d seen millennia ago. And maybe I was.

But no one knew me. Not really.

No one knew the war fields. The mud. The blood. India. My sister. The altar once built in my name. The crowns. The deaths. The screams I carry in my chest.

And, above all… no one knew about Steve.

Not even Tony.

He knew I was old. That I knew his father. That I existed before some wars had even begun. But he didn’t know my heart still belonged to a man frozen in time. A man who might be dead. Or worse — forgotten.

⸻

That’s when I decided. I would never love again.

I shut the doors. Buried what I felt. Let the world use me as a weapon. As a shield. As a name in confidential files. Because loving, in the end, always meant losing.

And I had lost too much.

All I had left was the sadness. And the melancholy that followed me like an ancient shadow, clinging to my heels.

⸻

— “You always seem… somewhere else,” Tony remarked one night, as we stared at a cosmic energy projection.

— “Because that’s where my soul stayed.”

This time, he didn’t have a joke. No sarcastic comment. Just silence. A silence full of respect. And weight.

⸻

And then, one day…

The news came.

They’d found Steve Rogers.

Frozen.

Alive.

The world turned upside down. The newspapers went wild. SHIELD in chaos. Scientists dazzled. Politicians on alert.

And I…

I simply fell to my knees.

Because it wasn’t just him coming back. It was time opening an old wound. It was eternity breaking its own cycle.

⸻

“You have no idea how long I’ve waited for you…”

And there he was. In the wrong time. In the wrong world.

And yet…

It was still him.

⸻

The glass wasn’t enough. Not the thickness, not the layers of security, not the containment technology. None of it protected me from what really mattered. Because he was there. On the other side. Breathing. Alive. And that disarmed me more than any weapon ever pointed at me.

Steve Rogers. Sitting on the edge of a medical cot that looked more like a time capsule, with sensors strapped to his chest and a face far too serene for someone who had lost nearly a century. As if the universe had changed its mind. As if time, on a whim, had given a second chance to what it once swallowed whole.

But there was no justice in that.

He was intact. Yes. But not unharmed.

And I knew him too well to believe the lie of appearance.

His eyes were still closed, but I knew. When they opened, the world would no longer be the same for him.

Nor for me.

Because time does not forgive.

Not even those who sleep inside it.

I stayed there a long time. Longer than any protocol would allow.

The lights in the room hummed at a steady, low frequency — almost hypnotic. A clinical dream. Cold.

It felt like being trapped in someone else’s memory. A dream that wasn’t mine, but that held me all the same.

I watched the sensors. Saw the pulse rise. Lines reacting to life.

And then, he took a deep breath. Like someone coming back from far, far away.

My body tensed. A silent current ran through me like electricity.

I didn’t need to move to feel that something inside me had already been shaken to its core.

He was waking up.

⸻

— “You’re not going in?”

The voice was low but firm.

Tony.

Leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed, coffee in hand, his expression loaded with barely concealed judgment. He always had something to say. And unfortunately, he almost always saw what others preferred to hide.

— “No.”

The answer came before I could weigh it. Cold. Economical. But my throat burned. And my chest was on the verge of imploding.

— “Has he seen you?”

— “Not yet.”

— “But he will.”

I closed my eyes for a moment. Tried to compose myself, like someone gathering the shards of an old emotion that insists on scattering across the floor.

— “You’re scared,” he said after an uncomfortable silence.

— “I’m not.”

— “You are. But it’s not of him. It’s of you. You know you’re going to break. And you hate breaking.”

He was right.

And that irritated me.

Tony was irritating like that. He saw the cracks even when the surface looked whole. He understood pain, even when he didn’t want to. He could sniff out empty spaces, badly patched holes.

— “You talk too much.”

He took a step, but didn’t come closer.

— “I don’t understand everything. But I know enough to see that he… he’s your weak spot.”

“Weak spot.”

How do I explain that he was my center? That Steve wasn’t a weakness, but what had kept me whole for so long?

Before him, everything was survival. After him… there was room for something else.

Something that didn’t go by the name of pain.

But how do you say that without stripping your soul bare in the middle of a hallway?

— “Do you know what it’s like to wait for someone for decades, Stark?”

My voice came out low. But it had venom in it. Too much pain to hide.

He didn’t answer.

— “Do you know what it’s like to stay alive, century after century, with the taste of their last word still stuck in your mouth? To live through wars, regimes, bombs, the rise and fall of civilizations — and it all feels pale because the only person who ever truly saw you was frozen at the bottom of the world?”

I felt my breath catch. But I didn’t cry. Not yet.

— “And now he’s there. Alive. Real. And I don’t know what to do with that.

I waited so long for this moment… and now it’s destroying me.”

Tony said nothing for a moment.

No joke.

No armor.

No sarcasm.

Just silence. And respect.

— “You have to go in,” he said at last.

— “I can’t.”

— “He’s going to ask about you.”

— “Then lie.”

— “Do you really think he won’t remember?”

I stayed silent.

Because that was the real fear.

That he would remember everything.

Or worse: that he wouldn’t remember anything.

⸻

And then, behind the glass, his eyes opened.

My body froze.

I couldn’t blink. I couldn’t move.

And he looked.

Not randomly. Not lost.

He looked straight at me. As if he knew. As if he had felt my presence before seeing it. As if time hadn’t erased anything.

— “You…”

The word slipped from his lips as if my name had been waiting there, trapped, asleep, for seventy years.

And that was enough.

I turned my back.

Each step was a blow.

A deep scratch on the part of me that had held on for so long.

I left the room.

Without looking back.

⸻

— “You shouldn’t run,” Tony said behind me.

His voice, for the first time, without armor.

— “You don’t understand.”

— “Then make me understand.”

I stopped in the middle of the hallway.

I didn’t turn.

But I spoke in the quietest voice I could hold:

— “Loving him saved me. But losing him… killed me.

And now that he’s back…

I don’t know if I can survive it again.”

And I kept walking.

Alone.

As always.

“You…”

He didn’t say my name.

But he didn’t need to.

Because my entire body already knew how to answer.

Yes. It’s me. It’s still me.

But maybe you shouldn’t see me like this.

⸻

Avoiding someone never required much from me. When you’re immortal, the world learns to forget. And I, over time, learned to make that forgetting easier. A step in the right direction, a turn in the hallway, a calculated absence. No one notices. No one asks. Disappearing becomes a habit, almost natural — like breathing. I’ve been a face on a throne and a shadow in the trenches. I’ve been worshipped, hunted, and forgotten. I learned that the secret to survival isn’t in fighting — it’s in vanishing at the exact right moment.

But with Steve… it wasn’t so simple.

Because Steve could feel. Even without understanding. Even with his brain drowned in ice, with broken memories, with his body still trying to adapt to a new century. Something in him still knew that something — someone — was missing. And that someone was me.

And that… was unbearable.

⸻

I started avoiding the places where he might be. I skipped morning training, the cafeteria at night. Volunteered for long missions, internal reports, technical analysis — anything no one liked doing. I hid behind computers, weapons, simulations. Nothing too attention-grabbing. Everything discreet. Silent. Precise.

I’ve been a shadow. No one disappears better than someone who has already been unseen for centuries.

But still…

Steve searched.

He didn’t ask directly. But his eyes betrayed him. They scanned the rooms, studied faces. There was a constant restlessness in him, as if something unsettled him deeply and he couldn’t name it. As if the world wasn’t exactly wrong — just… incomplete.

And he was right. He had lost something.

Even if he didn’t know it yet.

⸻

— “Do you think he remembers?”

Tony’s voice cut through the silence like a sheathed blade. He spoke low, as if not to disturb the mood of the mission. We were inside an abandoned lab, looking for forgotten tech. But his mind, as always, was somewhere else.

— “Remember me?” I asked, without taking my eyes off the holographic map.

— “Not just remember. Feel. As if something inside him screams your absence.”

— “Time erases everything, Stark.”

— “Not him. Not you two.”

I sighed. As if that one simple phrase carried a weight my shoulders knew too well.

— “He watches you,” Tony went on. “Thinks no one notices. But he looks. He’s always looking for you.”

I closed my eyes. I felt the sting of memory rise in my throat, a bitter, intimate warmth, like an old fever.

— “You should talk to him.”

— “And say what? ‘Hi, Steve. Remember when you died and left me here with an eternity I never asked for? Remember me? I’m the woman you loved before the world decided to move on without us.’”

My voice cracked. Because that was it. Exactly that.

Tony didn’t reply. Because there was no reply. Some pains don’t get solved with tidy sentences. Some pains… just need to exist.

⸻

The corridors became traps.

Every step could be an encounter. Every voice over the radio, a warning. Every turn of the elevator, a possible collision with him. And every time, my body reacted as if it still knew how to love. As if hope were still an instinct I could follow.

But I remembered.

Waiting for Steve broke me.

Loving him destroyed me.

Surviving him… was punishment.

So I ran.

⸻

One night, I climbed to the top floor of the tower. Lights off. The world below ran in neon and noise. I sat on the ledge, like I did sometimes, to remind myself there was still something between the sky and the concrete.

Then I heard it.

— “I knew I’d find you here.”

His voice. The same. The one from before. The one that saved me so many times — and condemned me in all the others.

I turned slowly. He was there.

Standing.

Not as the Captain.

But as Steve.

White shirt, sleeves rolled, eyes tired, sincere, broken on the inside. And still… beautiful. Unfairly beautiful.

— “I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to scare you, ma’am.”

The way he still used that formal title hurt. As if he didn’t know. As if the ice had erased the way he used to say my name.

I tried to smile. I couldn’t.

— “You should be sleeping.”

— “I’ve been sleeping badly.”

Silence. Dense. Full of everything we couldn’t say.

— “You seem… familiar,” he said.

It was like a gunshot. Not because it was unexpected. But because it was real.

— “There are a lot of similar faces in the world, Steve.”

He took a step.

Not abrupt.

Careful. Like someone approaching something sacred.

Like someone who feels he’s about to discover the most important thing in his life.

— “But none of them make me feel this.”

He pointed to his chest.

— “This hole. This ache. Like I left something behind. Like someone’s still waiting for me. And I don’t know why.”

My throat tightened. My hands trembled. I knew what I needed to do: run. Before he remembered. Before I gave in.

— “You’re just tired,” I murmured, stepping back. “That’s all.”

And I left.

⸻

After that night, I hid even more.

I distanced myself from everyone. Threw myself into work. Buried myself in solo missions, remote areas, altered schedules. I became smoke. I became silence. I turned into absence, as I’d always known how to do.

But Steve Rogers…

Steve was a man who felt what others pretended not to.

And he felt me.

Even far.

Even hidden.

⸻

Little by little, running into him became inevitable.

Files. Hallways. Training sessions.

And he always looked. Always.

Not with anger. Not with confusion.

But with a quiet pain. A nameless longing.

One day, on the rooftop, he said to me:

— “You loved me, didn’t you?”

And I replied:

— “I still do.”

He didn’t step back. He just let the words fall between us like a slow blade.

— “Then let me remember.”

— “And if it hurts?”

— “Everything that matters… always hurts.”

⸻

The next morning, I requested a transfer. I ran before the memory could return in full. Before hope became too strong to bury again. I loved him. But I didn’t know if I could survive losing him a second time.

And when he found me in the hangar, saw me for the last time before I left, holding the shield like it was the last solid thing in the world, he asked:

— “You’re leaving to forget me?”

— “No.

To stop you from remembering.”

He tried to reach for me. But I was already wind.

Smoke.

And inside, I knew.

I had gone.

But part of me…

Stayed there with him.

As always.

🏷️: ???

oomf, tell me what u think on this chapter? 😸🤧

[shelikesthosefunnypeople]

"Today we're talking about Alan Partridge and his repressed bisexuality." YES. Sign me UP.

First of all, I can offer more insight into the Michael drawing! Its first appearance is in Alan's second autobiography or third if we're counting Bouncing Back, Nomad. Alan has a whole chapter about Michael, their relationship, Michael's disappearance after jumping off the pier, and how Alan has regrets, things he wishes he could say to him, and just generally a lack of closure because he doesn't know what happened to him. In fact, as he tells us near the end, every paragraph in the chapter spells out a message to Michael, incase he's still alive.

Alan drew Michael because a therapist suggested it to him. He says he doesn't have any pictures of him because flashes spooked Michael and Alan couldn't figure out how to turn his flash off, so he used Michael's old North Norfolk Digital security pass photo to draw him from. The drawing we see is actually one of several, but it's the one Alan is the most pleased with.

Side note: soooo happy about the return of Michael at the end of the last podcast series! I never expected Michael to come back, or be alive, so that was actually very sweet.

So, Alan Partridge's repressed bisexuality: one of my favourite niche topics of conversation.

There is a tradition, in real life and in fiction, of strait-laced conservative types being very kinky or gay (or both) behind closed doors. These guys practically invented repression, after all. What Alan is willing to be open about has changed over the years - pre and post breakdown is probably the main dividing line, so between S1 and S2 of I'm Alan Partridge.

Alan says at one point in This Time: "As a child, I was always taught to squash my feelings down." We don't know everything about Alan's upbringing, and we only have Alan's biased viewpoint, but clearly his dad was a bit of a cunt and he didn't feel especially emotionally close to his mum, either. Homophobia was definitely part and parcel of his upbringing, which isn't surprising considering the time period and the kind of family he was born into. I mean, the Partridges... they're, uh, interesting, to say the least.

Another sidenote: I assume for several reasons that Alan's Grandad Graham, who he has spoken about very fondly in recent stuff, was his mother's father, not his father's father, so he wasn't a Partridge and was therefore spared the curse of being a twat. Although, Fernando is hopefully bucking that trend.

There is a picture in I, Partridge that Alan says is him as a kid (pretty sure it is indeed a picture of Steve Coogan as a kid). This is the caption:

On the day this was taken, my parents had been called into school by the headmaster because he was concerned my posture had homosexual overtones. He'd been alerted by my tendancy to turn in my right knee and my preference for slip-on shoes. Also note that my father had insisted I tuck my tie into my shorts. In terms of psychological abuse, this was just the tip of the iceberg.

Now, despite the over-dramatising at the end there (Alan also cites being asked to pick up leaves as further evidence of abuse), the headmaster singling Alan out like this for something innocuous just highlights how ingrained homophobia was in all corners of his world. I mean, obviously this is a comic exaggeration of mid-20th century Middle England attitudes, but since we are being all analytical - in kid Alan's world, this is pretty heavy stuff. We know his dad beat him, and I can't imagine his reaction to this chat with the headmaster would have been particularly calm. What will the neighbours say!

As well as this, Alan tells us his mum wouldn't let him read Sherlock Holmes as a child, as she was absolutely convinced Holmes and Watson were a couple and had frequent sex (with Watson being the dominant one). She seemed to have very detailed ideas about it, actually. Dorothy Partridge was a Johnlock anti before it was even mainstream. But anyway, interesting then that Alan as an adult read all of Sherlock Holmes - or so he claims in radio KMKYWAP. To be fair, he may have been lying to look impressive, and he did think Sherlock Holmes was a real person who wrote the books... but these two pieces of Alan lore were created two decades apart, so y'know.

I think all of this explains what Armando Iannucci and Steve Coogan have said at various points about Alan's fear that he might be gay, which means he checks sometimes (eg: Bangkok Chickboys). If doing something as subconscious as turning in your right knee might mean you're gay, you're going to have to be very vigilant with yourself and keep checking to make sure you're not, right? Whatever way people want to read Alan's sexuality, I think that's true about him. Or was, anyway. As you've mentioned, he is more relaxed about it these days.

So, Alan's homophobia and transphobia. What's all that about? Pretty clear roots - fear, toxic masculinity, all the classic shit. Alan's attitudes to queer people have changed a lot over 30 years. Originally, when Alan was at the spikier, less nuanced end of bigoted Little Englander, he was openly hostile to queer people. Examples include Nick Ford, a bisexual lawyer who comes on radio KMKYWAP, and of course Daniella Forest on TV KMKYWAP. As with all bigotry, these incidents reflect on Alan, not the characters he is being bigoted towards. The joke's on him. In the Nick Ford instance, he says something very revealing:

Nick: If this was a normal child, with a normal father, they would sue you immediately. You should be careful. I don't think you'd like it in prison; all those men...

Alan: Listen. What are you insinuating? What are you saying? Are you saying that I, Alan Partridge, would end up in prison and maybe, what? Get friendly with some bloke?

Nick: Who knows, Alan.

Alan: And maybe I'd be in the shower with him, and- and- and- and maybe we'd just start wrestling and mucking about, and then he'd probably start soaping my back down, and then, you know, we'd kiss each other tenderly. Is that what you're saying? Because that is untrue. That is-

Nick: It's all in your imagination, Alan.

Alan: Well, if you're insinuating that's what I secretly want-

Nick: No further questions, Your Honour! No further questions.

This is one of a few excessively detailed gay hypotheticals Alan comes up with. Now, I know excessively detailed is Alan's whole thing, but these are still quite telling. Another one comes a few years later - there are a couple of variants of it, but the basic premise is Alan interviews a gay man played by Simon Pegg and at one stage asks him about a detailed hypothetical scenario wherein Alan goes home with a man. In both variants, Alan is less prickly and hostile about Simon Pegg's character being gay, certainly much less prickly and hostile than he was towards Nick Ford. I mean, he still absolutely puts his foot in it, because he's Alan Partridge, but there has been a slight softening.

The most recent Alan incarnations are more nuanced and have more pathos, which Steve Coogan attributes to the Gibbons brothers. Steve Coogan says the 21st century Alan is a nicer man. Alan does move with the times; you have to give him that. He's still completely a conservative - stubbornly so, in some funny cases - but he's more socially liberal now. I would say Lynn probably holds views further to the right than him, as does his current girlfriend, Katrina have you seen her?.

There's a bit in Mid Morning Matters where he talks to Simon about how he developed "a fairly robust dislike of the gay community" but, thanks to Dale Winton, realised he has absolutely nothing to worry about. Since then, Alan has interacted with other queer characters. In fact, he says in I, Partridge that he and Glen Ponder still go to Nandos together, despite everything that's happened between them. There is still a slight awkwardness when Alan interacts with most people he knows aren't straight, a tension, but I think a lot of that comes from him being terrified of putting his foot in it and being #cancelled. Alan has a paradox going on where he lacks self-awareness, but is also very aware of what things you cannot say publicly. He shows that as early as KMKYWAP, when he tells Elsie Morgan to shut it when she's being racist, so the people who complain that Alan has suddenly "gone woke" are just wrong, actually. He's just not a complete idiot.

Something that has been previously hinted at but only confirmed in the latest series of his podcast is that Denise, Alan's daughter, is gay. Alan and Denise have a complicated relationship if you can call it that. He very obviously favours his son, Fernando, simply for the virtue of being male. Alan doesn't really have anything particularly negative to say about Denise, he just doesn't have much to say at all. Still, the fact he knows Denise is gay says something. When she was growing up, Alan was still openly homophobic. Fernando didn't invite Alan to his wedding and refuses to ever see him (which is fair - would you want this man as your father?), though he does communicate with him by text and lets him spend days with him grandchildren from time to time. I could go off on one about Alan and his grandchildren here, but I will restrain myself.

In This Time, we learn that during Alan's one week of vegetarianism that he had a new free half hour every day due to how much easier going to the toilet was (lovely). He says he spent the extra time reconnecting with Denise, meeting her in his favourite Starbucks for a chat and welcome catch up. So, despite everything that being the daughter of Alan Partridge must entail, she agreed to meet up with him. It is interesting to me both that Alan would think to initiate this and that Denise would go along with it.

Alan is still pretty awkward about Denise's sexuality. We'll have to see if anything else is said in the future. But the Alan Partridge of the early 90s was not a man you would come out to, even if he was your father. Clearly, this is a big shift.

We can see this shift in another facet of his life, too, because, until recently, Alan had a gay friend - and losing that gay friend was not even his fault. Let's think about that for a moment: a man who was once openly homophobic, both scared and disgusted by the idea of being gay, has gotten to the point where he has a gay friend. And that's not all. An episode from the most recent series of From the Oasthouse is all about Alan's gay friend, Adam, who came out to Alan and relied on Alan to cover for him whenever his wife came sniffing. Alan helped him practice coming out to his wife, which is where we get the very hilariously performed line: "How many men have you been with, Adam!?" but also Alan's assertion, said "in character" as Adam's wife, that we've all been tempted by the same sex, but we resist.

Hmm. Is that true? Straight friends of mine tell me no, it is not. As I say, Alan said this "in character" as Adam's wife, but just saying it at all is suspicious.

This episode is all littered with interestingly phrased moments that suggest a queer subtext Alan seems obliviously unaware of. He mentions how several closeted gay men have come out to him in confidence (a terrible idea because Alan can't hold his own piss ever). He thinks this is because they can sense he too is burdened with a dark secret. He alludes to this twice, if memory serves, and both times the secret is something silly that Alan is blowing up to be massive. For example, he says he started telling people he has 4 A Levels when he only has 3 (odd because previously it has been stated he only has 2, but I'm nitpicking).

When Adam's wife finally finds out about his sexuality and decides the solution is for them to move away and start afresh, effectively forcing him back into the closet, Alan is the one who tries to stop Adam from going. He is there by the car before they drive away, telling Adam he can't deny who he is and that he's "a gay pressure cooker". This, I think, is actually quite touching by Alan Partridge's standards and is a million miles away from the interview with Nick Ford. Don't get me wrong, Alan is by no means the ideal person for such a situation - or any situation requiring tact and sensitivity, really - but I think he is trying.

Dear god this idiot man is far too endeared to me.

Similarly, despite being something of a representative of the "gammon" type men in Britain, Alan is different in that he is no longer virulently transphobic. I think he finds identity politics and pronouns and the idea that gender is a spectrum confusing, and he isn't immune from making crass comments about it, but there have been a few recent Partridge things where trans people have been mentioned by him in a way that suggests he wants to be seen as an ally, such as having a transwoman character in a book he was writing. Obviously, he's one of the most performative allies on earth - and I imagine he'd be absolutely terrified of getting caught between TERFs and trans rights activists - but I think it makes sense that he's less reactionary about trans people now than the average gammon type because, as we all know, Alan does have certain, uh, proclivities. The writers could have gone down the route of these proclivities resulting in him being an absolute monster on trans issues, projecting his own internal fears and disgust with himself on to trans people, as he did with Daniella Forest in KMKYWAP, but Alan has evolved since then.

Alan and Michael has been covered, although I will quickly point out how Alan spends almost the entirety of Never Say Alan Again acting like a spurned spouse when he finds out Michael has another friend. He is possessive of Michael in the same insecure, petty, bitter way he is with Simon later, but there is an extra edge of malice to his relationship with Simon that isn't there with Michael, as has been pointed out. Alan's behaviour around John/Bleachy Head through series 2 of I'm Alan Partridge is notable, too - Alan's intimidated by him, as he's a working class guy from Manchester, but he recognises John as masculine and clearly wants his approval. Just listen to his voice when John says he thinks Alan would make a good James Bond.

But anyway, Dan.

He's only in one episode, but Dan's surely an important and classic part of the Partridge lore. There is a deleted bit from the scene where Alan sits on the sofa with Dan's wife and she caresses his thigh. The deleted bit involves her mentioning to Alan that she has a girlfriend, and him saying doesn't she mean boyfriend, and her clarifying that, no, she means girlfriend. Behold: a bisexual encounter! Is Dan also bisexual? I mean, he does stroke Alan at one point. Aside from that, there's nothing 100% undeniably overt in the episode, but I'd say the case for him being bisexual is pretty strong. The case grows stronger with another deleted scene, which reveals there are other naked people in the house - truly the sex festival of sex people.

Alan becomes obsessed with Dan pretty quickly. He thinks he's great; he can't believe how much they have in common. Throughout Alan's life, for various reasons, he's been quite lonely, so he absolutely jumps at the chance to make friends with people he wants to respect him. So, especially men. He isn't happy about Lynn meeting Gordon in this episode, so he starts going on about Dan to her, as if to prove hey, my new person's better than yours. Considering Lynn and Gordon do become a couple - and presumably remained one until Gordon's death, which Alan mentions offhandedly in Nomad - the parallel between Gordon and Dan is amusing and a little telling.

Alan is clearly way out of his depth and very uncomfortable with the revelation that Dan and his wife are "sex swappers". Part of this may just be his particular tastes (he wants to snuggle; let him snuggle). I think part of it is also his upbringing leaving him with this conservative sexual guilt. I think Alan is basically hypothetically kinky. Watching Bangkok Chickboys is one thing, because no one else has to know (well, they don't have to know if you don't do this in a Travel Tavern). Pursuing anything like that in real life is different because that makes it real, and then there's always the risk of people finding out.

In Welcome to the Places of My Life, it is implied that Alan has visited dominatrixes in Norwich; it is also implied in Alpha Papa that Bernie, the woman Alan slept with at some point prior to the movie, dominated him during sex, too, and that BDSM went on; it is least clear what went on with Tiff in This Time, but we know there was a mess. The recurrent theme through all of these encounters is Alan's embarrassment or sense of shame, sense that he's done something wrong. He doesn't want to talk about it, despite being the biggest oversharer on earth.

So, what does this tell us? Alan is still sexually repressed, even though he is more experimental than he used to be. He's said at some point that he was a virgin when he married Carol, and we know their sex life became dull. I reckon Sonja was probably the person who widened Alan's sexual horizons, gave him a bit of a confidence boost. Still, the repression runs deep. I don't think he'd ask a partner to do the half the things he'll have asked Norwich's dominatrixes to do. That would make it too real, and we can't have that. That would be wrong. And letting people in, even when you secretly desperately crave that, is just too risky. People will destroy you.

Alan recounts a dream to us in the first series of From the Oasthouse where he inexplicably becomes a woman. The only thing about the dream he won't go into detail about is a man named Luigi, who he says he'd like to thank because he really knows how to treat a girl. That's maybe the closest Alan has ever gotten to admitting his attraction to a man - albeit a man who is just a figment of his subconscious - and he only let himself go with it because he'd become a woman, so in his mind this means it wasn't gay. Such mental gymnastics!

Anyway, the long and short of it is: really, Alan just wants to be a Bond girl for Roger Moore. He's naturally submissive behind the bluster, and I think he wants to be cared for by someone who'll sweep him off his feet (metaphorically). And if this person just so happens to be a big, strong man who can also literally sweep him off his feet, well...

There is... so much that could be said on this topic. Alan Partridge has got to be one of the most fleshed out comedy characters going. He's a dick a lot of the time, but there is such a satisfying amount of depth, pathos, and subtext to his character. Is Alan Partridge ever going to come out as bisexual? I doubt it. Does that matter to me, personally? No. Aside from anything else, I get the impression Alan's black and white way of looking at a lot of things makes bisexuality a difficult concept for him. Just pick a side! I think he'd struggle a lot to come to terms with being bisexual, perhaps moreso than if he was homosexual. But, as a bisexual myself, I'll finish on this.

I know, Alan. I know.

Welcome back to this whole analysis business. Today we’re talking about Alan Partridge and his repressed bisexuality. He’s definitely an interesting character to talk about when it comes to his attitudes with anyone queer!

I’ve probably missed out other stuff, or gotten things wrong, so if that’s the case, feel free to add on or correct me!

It is no surprise to anyone that has seen the Alan Partridge franchise that Alan in his early days is a bigot. He occasionally followed remarks with “and please don’t write in saying that is [discrimination], it’s not” and has a general very dislikable attitude towards those that are minorities. Later on in the franchise he does adopt a much more polite attitude, though keeps quite a bit of stereotypes when discussing minority groups.

His attitude towards queer people, however, is very interesting. Alan describes himself as a “homoskeptic” - thinly veiling homophobia - and acts negatively towards Glen Ponder when he finds out he’s gay. Alan has also shown transphobia, such as dismissing a trans woman on KMKYWAP - though in more recent shows he seems to have become more relaxed.

However despite this open attitude, Alan has a lot of telling facts about him that hint towards the fact he is heavily repressed in his own sexuality.

Let’s talk first about his attitude to trans people. In the I'm Alan Partridge episode Watership Alan, it is revealed Alan watched a short bit of a porno film titled “Bangkok Chickboys” to which he denies to the staff of the hotel. As the conversation goes on, it becomes more and more obvious that Alan watched this on purpose.

Now it’s important to understand the meaning of “chickboy”. Chickboy in this refers to the term kathoey. In English it has two meanings - trans women or effeminate gay men. In Thailand, the term can also mean being intersex.

Another thing of note is that the term is also named “ladyboy” and this is how they are referred to throughout the series. It is made very clear that the meaning of “ladyboy” to Alan is trans women. Alan seems to express some sexual interest, if the above example and his fascination suffice.

—

One of the biggest mysteries of I'm Alan Partridge is what is in the drawer of Alan’s desk.

Episode 1: Lynn: For example, in this drawer… (opens the drawer and pauses, shocked) You, er… you have, er, things, and um… sometimes, you have too many things. (Later in the conversation) Alan: They were there when I moved in.

While Armando Iannucci says that the contents of Alan’s drawer are of magazines of fat women on the toilet (in Dutch) this doesn’t really seem to make sense given Alan’s disgust of “water sports”.

Steve Coogan, Alan’s actor, says in contrast in the commentary for the show that the contents of the drawer is a plastic cock.

However it should be important to know that it was never decided what was really in the drawer. Honestly it’s completely up to interpretation of the viewer, though it very much leans towards something that implies Alan’s repressed sexuality.

Throughout season 1 of IAP, Alan has daydreams where he is acting as a stripper for someone important, most of the time Tony Hayers. Alan seems perfectly willing to let himself act this way in these daydreams, despite the fact that in the real world he has a clear hatred for these people.

Episode 1: Daydream Alan: Would you like me to lap dance for you? Daydream Hayers: (offers money) Daydream Alan: Nuh-uh. I want a second series.

Alan seems to also have some kind of celebrity crush on Roger Moore. He notes him in KMKYWAP as his favourite Bond actor and keeps a framed picture of him in his room at the Travel Tavern. It is also revealed that he keeps this portrait of Moore in his daydreams.

One thing that’s important to know regarding Alan’s sexuality is his relationship with Michael.

While Michael never refers to Alan other than “Mr Partridge” and Alan treats Michael with some disdain, the two have a notably strong bond, with Alan even calling him a friend.

In This Time, we look at Alan’s photo gallery. While his gallery contains photos of, among several things, pictures of Noel Edmonds and Alan posing with a car, one of the photos in Alan’s gallery is Michael, followed by a drawing of him.

The fact there’s a drawing of Michael is very telling. Michael tended to not have any real friends apart from Alan, so it can be implied this is Alan’s own drawing of Michael. But then, why did Alan draw Michael? It seems a tad odd.

When Alan and Michael finally reunite after the latter being missing for a decade in From the Oasthouse, Alan is clearly very happy to see him.

Alan: Oh my god. It’s ringing. I think I might have solved it. … nah, he’s absolutely going to hate- Hello? Michael: Hello? Alan: Michael? Michael: Aye. Alan: Oh my god, oh my god- Michael… it’s- it’s- it’s Alan. […] Michael: Oh hello Mr Partridge! Alan: Yeah, that’s me! Yeah! I knew you’d remember! Michael: Aye. Alan: I- oh my god, I can’t believe I’m talking to you. Michael: Aye. Alan: I can’t believe I’m actually speaking to you. […] Alan: It’s actually you. You didn’t drown then! Michael: Me? No. Alan: Are you alright? Michael: Aye. Alan: Oh I’m glad because we- we used to have fantastic chats didn’t we? […] Alan (after the call is over): Ah, that was amazing. I got goosebumps again now.

While Alan has had friendships (Simon) and rivalries (Simon & Clifton), Michael is the one friend he’s had permanently over his time in the franchise, and is one of the few main recurring characters - alongside Lynn.

—

Anyway thanks for reading my lil analysis on this silly little pathetic guy /aff. Hope you enjoyed reading, and I hope it gave you something to think about.

[virginburial]

hi!! sorry if this doesn’t come across correctly, i’ve never requested anything before. if it’s alright, can you write a steve harrington x reader blurb that’s him showing her how to give a blowjob? sorry again if that’s too weird, thanks!

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ nothing is too weird for the buffmeiester (it's me, I'm the buffmeiester, lol hi I'm buffy).

Steve Harrington CD mix!        .·:*¨༺♱༻¨*:·.

you were half a virgin. I know I know, that makes zero sense, but you were. you only had sex once and you don't think it should count. when steve found out, he pretty much laughed at how stupid the terminology was. "what does it even mean to be half of a virgin?" he panted out after laughing hysterically. the reason you wouldn't count the last encounter as your defloweration was because there was no foreplay, no oral, or hand anything. pretty fucking boring.

Steve thought the same. you don't know how you both reached this conclusion but soon you started making bets that turned rather personal. Steve had generously offered to show you how to give someone a blow job since you claimed that if someone taught you, you wouldn't feel so insecure about how you performed. you were hesitant at first, but then you remembered how Steve was your first kiss back in middle school, and the two of you were still friends. you had faith that nothing was going to change.

yet, things were weird at first. you've seen Steve naked before (on accident, or when you both are changing to go swimming) it was never weird like that. this time, you couldn't help but feel a pang of awkwardness settle in your stomach, considering you were on your knees right in front of him. "okay so, you're gonna want to slowly jack off the guy, right, make sure he's-" "-hard? yeah steve, I know." you mumbled as your hands snatch steve's cock away from him.

"j-just wanted to be sure you knew." Steve breathes out, watching your hand slowly work up and down the base of his cock. you couldn't help but feel it harden and twitch in your hands, seeing Steve's mouth slowly open as he glances over at you; the look on your face as you contemplated what to do next. "don't like shove it in your mouth, you have to tease the tip before going all in."

"Like...this?" you ask, before slowly running your tongue across his tip, softly pressing down and making your tongue adjust to the bell of his tip, how pink and pulsating it was already. "y-yeah." Steve squeaked out, repressing his moans as his cheeks turned red. "like that...you sure you need me to teach you how to do this?" he nervously laughed.

the more you teased his tip, the more and more Steve began to unwind and become more vocal, soon you started working towards his base and played with his balls (which you laughed about, not at him, just at the idea of it, which made Steve beyond flustered). before you knew it, you couldn't help but feel yourself get excited at the thought of Steve returning the favor; squeezing your thighs as the sensation of pleasure drove you to show Steve how good of a teacher it was. "it will never be weird between us" but you always assumed that was going to be a problem on Steve's side of things. not yours.

Steve was past the point of pretending that he offered this as a friend, that this was all a nice gesture. five minutes into the whole thing, Steve caves, and starts calling you pet names; baby, honey, sweetie, princess. It all starts going to your head, then straight to your cunt as things progressed. then, Steve yanks your hair, pulling you back from his cock, saliva drooling down your chin as your lips shimmered; your lip gloss managed to stay on. He makes you look up at him.

"Relax your neck, baby." he coos, his cock hitting your cheek. you could feel his whole 'king steve' persona shine through when he tells you that. before slowly directing your head back on his cock, his hips start to jerk a little once your lips reattached themselves back onto his cock. he maneuvers your head as he starts fucking your throat, your face turning red as spit coaxed your cheeks and chin. tears reached the rims of your eyes as he groans loudly. "take me just like that honey-" he growled as you stared up at him in a daze. "you're such a faster learner, huh?" he raspily said.

before you knew it, Steve cums down your throat, causing you to lightly gag as he slowly pulls out. cum slowly seeping out of your lips as you tried to swallow it all. you didn't think he'd cum so much. he breathes heavily pulling you away from his cock.

"mhm...I think I just fixed your 'half-virgin' problem."

       .·:*¨༺♱༻¨*:·.

buy me a coffee ૮⸝⸝> ̫ >⸝ ა

[chicalepidopterareblogs]

First of all, thank you for replying and for discussing Armand Marius in a sensible way. Sometimes it feels like the only thing that we are allowed to say about Marius unless we want to be branded as abuse apologist is "kill him with hammers" *sigh*

So. The way I see it, this fandom-favourite interpretation of Marius being the one and only reason for Armand's sexual trauma will always be misleading because it necessarily leaves out 2/3 of Armand's life.

Armand was a victim of human trafficking and sexual violence way before meeting Marius. He was already being pimped out in the brothel Marius rescued him from. And yes, Marius purchased Armand. If this had been a superhero story, maybe Marius would have killed all the evil pimps and save all the trafficked children or whatever but alas he is not Steve Rogers. Marius then adopted Armand, gave him affection, home, an education and a safe enviroment to heal from his sexual trauma. Paraphrasing Assad Zaman, with Marius, Armand found love, meaning and understanding and he's never felt safe after that.

Then the Children of Satan happend.

As you can see, all of this is already canon in the show. The "donation" scene informs us of the way Armand recalls his life with Marius after spending centuries being brainwashed in a repressive satanic cult that made him believe "he didn't have a dick for over 200 years". That's such a loooong time believing that physical pleasure is shameful. A mindset like that would definitely clash with the hedonistic life style Marius had taught him. I'm not saying by any means that Armand is lying, but if you stop at the surface of what that scene actually means, (probably under the fear of being accused of victim blaming) you would be ignoring important context that the show has already provided that really suggests that the story won't deviate as much from the books as we believe. Marius liberating his pupil from his sexual trauma by encouraging him to seek human pleasures in a safe enviroment is already canon in the books and Armand, after centuries of religious brainwashing, rationalizing it by saying he was being donated is a very smart way to introduce one of the main themes in Armand's story, which is the horrors of cults and indoctrination.

I might agree Marius should be hated from time to time (affectionate) but only if it is for the right reasons: he is an hypocrate and a manipulative coward who has wronged his loved ones so many times because of his monstruous pride, but he would never pimp out Armand. Despite Marius' method being traumatic on itself, all he really did was help Armand heal from the sexual trauma caused by pimps, pimps not so different from Louis mind you, only for the CoS to end up ruining it all. The show can go the route of the "sexual exploitation and ethnic tensions" that you mentioned (and that the majority of the fandom seems to very fond of) and depict Marius as an exploitative creep in a convincing way but till that happens maybe we shouldn't ignore all the hints that suggest the story will be actually much deeper than that.

Marius being compelled to trade his own body to Mael in an attempt to escape the druids...Marius trading Amadeo for art in an attempt to finally be the powerful one in that exchange...it's all coming together. oh dear fuck it's all coming together.

[withacapitalp]

For the send me a character thing: Steve Harrington of course :3

favorite thing about them

OH MY GOD THIS BOYS CAPACITY TO LOVE. Like Steve's ability to open up his heart and the way he cares SO FUCKING MUCH. Like he stays in the hospital in s1 after the house scene, he loves Nancy enough to absolve her of guilt before she even has any, S3 he sacrifices himself so easily s4??? I'm just so. He really just opens up to everyone and isn't afraid to be open, which in a show full of repressed nerds is so refreshing. Steve has so many emotions!!!! (That's why he and Eddie work together lol)

ALSO THE NAIL BAT AND THE WAY HE RUNS BACK IN SEASON ONE STEVE DEFENDERS RISE THIS BOY WAS ALWAYS GOOD HE JSUT TRIED TO HIDE THAT GOLD HEART BUT ONCE HE WAS DONE HIDING IT IT WAS ALL OVER

least favorite thing about them

Steve's a liiiiittle bit of a pushover (okay a lotta bit) I think that after all of the things he's been through the fact that he still kind of stays pushovery and still thinks he needs to want to achieve normal....baby c'mon!!!! You can let yourself continue to grow!! The crazy thing is he wants to grow, but he holds himself back

favorite line

" I may be a pretty shitty boyfriend, but turns out I’m actually a pretty damn good babysitter."

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THEY MADE HIM HATE BEING THE BABYSITTER IN SEASON FOUR It makes no sense!!!! Steve loves his kids and MAX WAS CURSED AT THIS POINT like it was so out of character. Anyway Not only did those kids packbond to him, but he packbonded to them immediately too. They're his family, they're his, and having him not want to protect them was confusing.

brOTP

Steve and Robin OBVI They're literally soulmates but!!! I also really love Stonathan as besties. I think that they have a ton that they could sympathize/empathize with and I will never forgive the duffers for stealing Monster Hunting Trio from us!!!!!

OTP

Steddie obvi, but I also really love stoncy? I think individually none of them work, but all three together they have this special thing that just hits so riiiiight. Also Stargyle is my crack OTP they would be SO CUTE and the hair in that relationship.......chefs kiss

nOTP

Steve and Tammy Thompson LMAO

Harringrove tho haha not my thing (even tho I have them being toxic af exes in one of my fic series)

random headcanon

Steve's Italian heritage!!!! Steve's Nonna helped to raise him (part of why he's such an absolute sweetheart) and she taught him all her recipes! He still has her recipe book with her hard to read cursive. He can't really read it (because dyslexia makes it hard enough to read regular print) but Eddie knows about it and he reads the recipes out loud for Steve

unpopular opinion

I think that Steve in season one was not that bad. People treat him live he was like the devil and he said some really unforgivable things but he also immediately regretted it and bought Jonathan a new camera and did so much to try and make up for the things he did that he knew were wrong!!! Eh I just season one Steve was not a villain he was just a guy!!!

song i associate with them

Landslide by Fleetwood Mac This is the Steve SONG like please guys listen to this song and think about Steve it is PAINFUL. Matilda by Harry Styles is another good Steve Song and Desperado by the Eagles

favorite picture of them

0-0......O-O HES SO P R E T T Y

[elizabeth-mitchells]

Opinions on an AU where Robin has powers?

my thoughts???? oh my god. i haven’t stopped thinking about this for a second since i got this ask. basically. we’re talking Eleven-like powers, right? but listen. there’s too much to consider!! so many possibilities!! (i will be making a lot of this about ronance, sorry, it’s the brainrot, but in my defense if Robin takes El placen then it makes sense to replace mike with nancy so yeah)

Is it a universe where there’s no Eleven or she’s a regular kid and instead there’s Robin, a lanky, beautiful, awkward, traumatized, and painfully anxious teenager that stumbles right into Nancy’s path. Nancy, who is beyond endeared and worried and protective and thoughtful and caring with this strange, extremely socially awkward girl. Nancy, who will ruin her relationship with Steve because she’s putting all her focus on Robin, who will inevitably use her powers to protect Nancy at some point. Robin hiding in Nancy’s room, Robin hating wearing Nancy’s clothes until Nancy finally gets her something more comfortable and she gets to Robin’s face light up. Nancy ferociously protecting Robin. These two actually taking the time necessary for Robin to grow into her own person, understand herself and others and friendships and relationships before anything actually romantic happens between them and they love each other unconditionally

Or was Robin part of the experiments too but she managed to successfully run away and eventually ended up in foster care or adopted by a not-very-good family. there's lots of angst, trauma, the usual. but she did learn to restrain her powers and be a more or less normal teenager that accidentally ends up involved in a russian conspiracy plot in the mall she works at and finding her powers again to help another kid like her beat up a gigantic monster. which leads to a lot of questions, explanations, and a found family that actually loves, understands, and supports her!! bonding with Eleven, exploring and understand herself, meeting Nancy Wheeler, falling in love with Nancy Wheeler, kissing Nancy Wheeler, more Nancy Wheeler

Or!! Robin has powers but she somehow avoided getting caught by Brenner. for as long as she can remember she’s known there was something "wrong" with her, something different that she had to hide. was it being gay? was it autism? was it actual fucking superpowers? who knows! she was painfully taught to bury that shit deep deep down until she can’t tell one from the other and she’s a ticking time bomb of repressed feelings that nearly goes out except for the fact that she met Nancy Wheeler! and Nancy is patient, Nancy listens to her, Nancy helps her learn and understand and trust herself, Nancy loves her, for who she is, and loves everything about her

[mysticalrambling]

Hey there😄😄I hope you're doing fine....I love your fanfictionss just too much and *adorable addition* is just my top favorite atory of yours😍😍😍. Yesterday you said i could make a request too so i was wondering if you can take in a request??😅😅 which is a Steve Rogers x reader request, which I had in mind for a long long time...I have made this request to some authors before but some of them never responded or just weren't interested in writing it so you can too decline but hear me out please😅😅... Ok so here goes nothing....

**Steve and reader being in an arranged marriage and steve is very rude towards the reader and would blame her, that due to their marriage he is not with peggy and how she irritates him, but still the reader did sweet things for him, made him food, tried to make him happy and tried to make their marriage work...but one day when she has enough of all the hurt, she stop doing stuff for steve and starts ignoring him..and also steve sees that peggy didn't love him but only his status as Captain America and was happy with someone else..then he realises his mistake and felt bad for treating his wife poorly...he tries to make up things with her but she now ignores him...His team members berate him for ignoring his wife and he gets jealous seeing someone else making a move on her.....and now he has to work his ass off to win back his wife...And can you end it with a happy ending and can it be long also? please🥺🥺

Arrange Marriage (S.R)

A/N: Thank you so much lovely and I loved the plot line. I loved writing about it and I made a few additions to the story. Hope you like it and I am open to more requests.

Steve Rogers Fanfiction (Fanfiction Master List)

Summary: Steve and you are married because the government wants Captain America to be a family ma. Steve is not happy with the arrangement and thinks he is in love with Peggy. You try to make your marriage work but he insults you every chance he gets. However, everything works out eventually.

Warnings: Angst but eventual fluff.

._._._._.

"I prepared some dinner for you," You spoke out when you saw your husband rushing towards his room. That's right, his room. Even though you were married for about a month now, you have never been in the same room for more than ten minutes.

"I am not hungry." He was quick to dismiss you and went straight to his room. You just looked at the muddy footsteps that were the only evidence that Steve was here. He was on one of his missions with your dad, Nick Fury. Your step dad, actually, because he rescued you from one of hydra base camps when you were eight years old. Those times were something that you have repressed in your mind and you would never think about them.

A few tears escaped your eyes when you kept all of the untouched food in the fridge which you spent hours preparing. You understood that you were not your husband's first choice but you both had an obligation to try to make it work. But lately, it was like you were all alone in this relationship and you felt so worthless.

Wiping the tears away, you made your way to the master bedroom because you had enough. If years of therapy have taught you anything, it is that no one had the right to make you feel that way. "Come in!" His pissed off voice filtered through the door and you took a shaky breath before entering.

"Hi. I just wanted to say that I prepared all of your favorite food and you didn't even look at it." You spoke timidly.

"I told you I was not hungry." He said from the changing closet and came out in his sweats. Looking tired was something not new for Captain America now a days and everyone at work was also starting to notice the change. "Why are we pretending to be like a normal, married couple?"

"Why can't we be one? I am trying here." He looked anywhere but at you because he knew that he would see those damp eyes. That was enough to make him feel guilty and he wanted to prevent that.

"You know why. I am in love with Peggy." The most hurtful thing that your life partner can say to you and Steve just did without taking your feelings into account.

"Then you could have said something before we got married." Panic was slowly setting in because you realised that you were stuck in a marriage that is never going to work out.

"The whole government was pushing me towards this marriage and Peggy was still not ready for that kind of commitment. I was stuck with you." Steve knew that the statement hurt you the moment the words escaped his lips. This was a revelation that rocked your world. And not in a great way, might you add. "You could have rejected the proposal."

"Do you think it was that simple for me? Dad has done so much for me and this was the one thing that he asked off me so I did not refuse. I thought that you agreed to this marriage and we could work it out in the future." Those dreams were being crushed right now and you knew that this marriage was doomed. It was like a hit to your gut and you felt caged in this room with your husband.

"Well, we can not." Leaving the room, you went straight to bed and cried yourself to sleep because there was nothing else you could add to that conversation.

After sometime, Steve came out of his room and made his way towards the kitchen. Opening the fridge, he took out the food to heat it up and realised that you made all of his favorite food. He was never going to admit it but he loved your cooking. Every night he comes in to the kitchen to eat all the food that you prepared for him. However, he realised that you didn't eat any of the food so you probably went to bed hungry. The guilt was eating him up and he felt helpless because he wanted to think that he didn't care about you. But sometimes, you don't even realise when a person is warming their way into your heart.

"Do you want to watch a movie?" Steve was home today and you were going out of your mind with boredom so you thought of asking him for some company.

"I am not in the mood." He was quick to dismiss the idea and turned around in the hallway while still scrolling through his phone.

"I just thought-"

"You thought nothing. Why are you so clingy? I told you I do not want to work on this relationship. You are the reason that I can not be with the love of my life. Please just leave me alone.” He rudely interrupted you because he was not in the mood to interact with anyone. Seeing a picture of Peggy on instagram, he became aware of the fact that he could not be with her because he is a married man now.

Peggy Carter had been the first person that he saw when he woke up from the ice after 40 years. She helped him to become Captain America and she was the most important person in his eyes. Those few months were really difficult for Steve but she helped him get through them. Peggy quickly became his girlfriend and when the councilmen wanted him to get married, he was quick to propose. But she told him that she was not ready to take that step and she backed off. He was still pining over her and it was not fair to blame you for everything but he needed to do that to make himself feel better.

“I am sorry.”

“(Y/N)-” You left before he could say anything else. There is only so much a person can tolerate.

Over the course of a few days, Steve noticed that you were indeed leaving him alone. You were not there to welcome him home when he got back from his missions and give him a massage even after he told you not to. You did not cook from him anymore and he really missed it. He loved the fact that you always made his favorites and you never even had to ask him. You haven’t talked to him since the night he yelled at you. Guilt was an emotion that he often felt whenever he saw you.

“So there is a charity event that we both are invited too. It’s black tie optional.” He leaned against the door as he watched you doing laundry.

“Okay, I will be ready.” These were the only five words that you have said to him in the past two weeks and they were not enough. He has missed you and your conversations. The house was too quiet now a days and he didn’t like it one bit. But he was too stubborn to be the one to break the wall.

“You have to wear a dress. Many people will be watching you because you are Captain America’s wife so please do not go with your sense of style.” He wanted to slap himself in the face when he saw you freeze. Why couldn’t he just have said something nice to her? Steve didn’t know how to talk to you without messing it up.

“Okay.” Sighing, he left the room and sulked in his bedroom for the remaining day.

You were never going to say it out loud, but you were really hurt by what he said today and that day. None of it was your fault and you have been thinking about ending this marriage. However, the thing was that you made a commitment and you were never the one to back out from things. You quickly finished doing the laundry and went to take a shower.

“Are you ready?” Steve fixed his bow tie before you opened the room and he was left speechless. You in a red dress with a slit running through the side was a side of you that he had never seen. So bold and outgoing.

“Yes. Just let me quickly apply my lipstick.” Watching you apply a red lipstick left him in a trance. His wife was truly something unique but he just ignored it. Shaking himself out of it, he thought about Peggy and how he loves her. You both left afterwards and the car ride was quiet with the exception of a few stolen glances.

‘We have to go hand in hand and smile for the red carpet.”

“Okay.”

You were always a little scared to walk in to these kinds of events and so you tightly clutched on to your husband’s arm. Steve knew that you were a little bit of an introvert so he squeezed your hand in response.

“I am going to go meet some councilmen.”

“I’ll be by the bar.” Making your way towards the makeshift bar, you ordered a martini and just sat there mixing your drink. On the other hand, Steve made polite talk with the councilmen and then excused himself to the washroom. He heard someone mention his name on his way to the washroom and that piqued his interest.

“Come on, I was never in love with Steve. He was my assignment from the S.H.I.E.L.D and that was it. I had to help Captain America adjust to this life.  I love you, Oliver and that is a fact.” Steve quickly left before he could hear anything else.

Honestly, he couldn’t believe that all those months spent with Peggy were just a lie and he was ruining his marriage because of her. He thought that it would hurt a lot but it was kind of a relief. He was now realising that he was never in love with her. It was kind of an obligation for him because he thought that he somehow owed it to Penny. But he didn’t and now he can finally give his marriage a fair try and not feel guilty about it.

“So what is a beautiful girl like you doing at a bar all alone?” Turning around, you saw Bucky with a smile adorning his face.

“Hi. It’s been such a long time since I last saw you.” You hugged your friend because he was one of the people that you were close to. You actually missed him in these past few months and were glad to see him right now. Getting in to a conversation was way easier than you thought.

“Hey Buck. What are you doing?” Your husband was quick to place his hands on the small of your back and you silently choked on his intimate gesture.

“I am fine, Stevie. Just catching up with (Y/N).”

“Oh okay. Would you mind if I take my wife to the dance floor?”

“No worries.” Silently taking you to the middle of the room, you both got to dancing and your breath hitched when he was so close to you right now. His cologne had taken over all your senses and you were drunk on him. God, it was pathetic but you could not help yourself.

“I want to try to work on our marriage.” You didn’t know if you were hearing things right now so you muttered a silent, “Come again.” He silently chuckled and repeated the sentence again. Looking at him, you stopped dancing and left the room.

“Why did you leave?” He found you at the balcony just staring at the stars with your hands wrapped around yourself. “It’s freezing.”

“Why? Why would you say something like that?” You whispered silently.

“I mean it. I want to try.”

“Don’t you love Peggy?”

“I have realised that I didn’t love her. It was like an obligation to me and I like you.”

“I can’t do this. You insulted me every chance you got and you made me think so low of myself.”

“I know and I am so sorry for that. I will spend my life apologising to you for it. Please, give me a chance.” There were some tears in your eyes and everything was becoming blurry.

“I can’t do that. I will always be your second choice.”

“No, you are not. Trust me, I have had feelings for you but I have been trying to repress them from the very start.” He tried to touch you but you took a step back.

“If we try this relationship thing out, will you promise me that you will tell me when you want to get out. We can get divorced right then and there.”

“I don’t want to be divorced and I will spend my life making it up to you.” He was quick to kiss you and it was way better than your wedding ceremony kiss. “I like you, (Y/N).”

“I like you too, Steve.” You went in to kiss him again and were glad that this marriage was going to work.

Hope you guys enjoyed it!!

._._._._.

A/N: I love Captain America and I was happy to write a fanfiction about him. If you guys have any more request, I will be happy to write about them and message me if you want to be added to the tag list.

Tag list: @kalopsia-flaneur, @justile 

Like, comment and reblog.

._._._._.

[egcdeath]

strangers again

summary: “hiiii sweetie!! can i request a steve x reader where he left yn for peggy. but he always felt guilty and missed yn. he would always stare at her pic. when he came back he bumped into yn while she was dropping a kid to daycare. and steve realized it was his son. kinda sad but fluff at the end pls!!!! and oh i super love your works!!! tysm 🌼🥺💕”

pairing: steve rogers x reader

warnings: decent angst, brief mention of a depressive episode, abandonment, somewhat unrealistic behavior

word count: 3.8k

author’s note:  i really hope that this lives up to your expectations but it is a little cheesy. i’d also like to warn that i have not interacted with a child in several years, so.. sorry. (there’s also a lot of exposition so double sorry if that’s not your thing!)

You’d never forget the moment Steve left to return the stones, with the promise to be back in only a matter of moments.

Maybe your definition of a matter of moments was different from his.

You seemed to be the only one without a clue of what Steve truly planned to do, with Bucky only telling you after the matter that Steve was leaving for the past and for Peggy, and probably not coming back.

After finding out, something deep within you broke. You could barely leave your bed for days, you struggled to eat, sleep, even drink water. Every task that used to seem like muscle memory, began to feel like it carried the weight of the world behind it. Every hobby that you once enjoyed becoming empty and bleak.

You constantly felt inadequate. How could you love someone so much, and be told you were loved so much while always being second to someone else?

The simple sentiment of it had left you feeling miserable, and sick to your stomach. Literally. Nearly every morning, and occasionally if you smelled something too strong, you found the contents of your stomach emptied.

You attempted to ignore it at first. Meshed with every other unpleasant symptom you were going through, you’d figured that it was just one more bullet point on the list of things that had been plaguing you. But when your friends insisted that you go check up with your doctor, you had a hard time saying no.

Once you received the results from your blood test, you were completely taken aback by the fact that you were pregnant. You couldn't believe that you hadn’t considered the possibility of pregnancy earlier.

Yet,  after a long and hard period of pondering, you managed to surprise yourself once again after you realized you wanted to keep it.

After all, that could be the only piece of Steve you had left.

----

You began to tell yourself that Steve was dead. That was somehow less painful than the idea that he left you for someone that he barely knew, yet had fallen so hard for nearly 70 years ago. You refused to let yourself fall for anyone else romantically, now that you were aware that anyone had the capacity to leave you at any time, no matter how deep you perceived your relationship to be.

You guarded your heart, and made sure to only let in those that you knew you could trust for a fact. For the remainder of your pregnancy, only your closest family members and friends stood by your side.

About 8 months later, you brought a small, but healthy infant into the world. From that moment on, you promised yourself to become the best version of yourself that you could be. No dwelling on the past, and no yearning for what could’ve been. Your only duty now was to provide the best life possible for your offspring.

So you did.

----

You stood in the kitchen, peeling an orange for your son before he bounded into the room. You turned and gave him a big grin, and he grinned back to you.

“Did you get dressed all by yourself?” You asked him excitedly, receiving a nod in return before he ran up to your leg, and hugged it.

“I did, Mommy!” He looked up at you with his soulful eyes, and you couldn’t help but to feel bombarded with emotion.

Even at the tender age of five, Grant seemed to become a bit more like his father every day. The shape of his eyes, the slope of his nose, the sound of his giggle. To the average onlooker, he came across as the same as any other child, but to you, your son was the splitting image of Steve.

“Good work, little man. Now go sit at the table so mommy can finish breakfast, okay?” He didn’t even bother confirming with you before more or less sprinting to the table. You couldn’t help but to ask yourself if your son had obtained all of that energy and speed from his father as well.

Breakfast was over almost as soon as it started, and before you knew it, you were warming up your car after you’d assisted Grant with brushing his teeth.

You were in an oddly nostalgic mood that day, playing music from a time period before you’d even imagined bringing another life into the world. You glanced up at the rearview mirror and watched your son happily bop his head to the beat. You thought in passing about how much of a gift he truly was.

After arriving at his school, you hopped out of the car and over to the furthest seat in the back, where he’d insisted on sitting that day.

“You ready, big guy?” You questioned while reaching out to grab him from the car seat.

“Born ready,” he agreed. You chuckled and shook your head fondly at that while getting him out of the car.

“Who taught you that?”

Grant shrugged, “I came up with it myself.”

“I’m sure. Can you hold my hand while we’re out please?” You reached out for him, and he gladly obliged.

You soon became distracted by a large man across the street, his built figure and light blonde hair making you recall the father of your child. You gave Grant’s hand a light squeeze and continued to approach the door, not being able to help yourself, and glancing over at the man one last time.

Except this time was different. Your eyes locked with the blonde man outside of the coffee shop across the street unexpectedly. Where you once thought casually to yourself that it looked like Steve, you now had confirmation that it was in fact the man who you’d fallen in love with, and found yourself pregnant by.

You audibly gasped, receiving a bit of a questioning look from your child. Your heart dropped as a metric ton of emotions hit you all at once, anger, sadness, confusion. Everything you told yourself you needed to repress, had suddenly come back to you all at once.

Even from a distance, you swore you could see his eyes flit from you to Grant, and the next thing you knew, he was approaching your direction. Looking for an easy out, and a distraction from your rather observant child, you quickly caused a misdirection.

“Grant, is that Stacey over on the playground? You should totally go show her that new version of tag that you were telling me about!”

Your son, ever the speedster, booked it towards the playground, and you let out a sigh of relief. Although, the relief didn’t last long, as just moments later, Steve was almost all the way up to you. As you turned to try to escape, you felt a hand on your arm.

“Y/N?” He asked, almost timidly.

You weren’t even sure what to say. In fact, you didn’t feel like you had control of your own body at this point. “Steve? I-“ You ran a hand through your hair and bit the inside of your lip. “You need to go.” The pain that was rushing through you was too much for you to bare, especially considering the man who caused the hurt had suddenly decided to reappear in your life after giving you a world of self doubt and abandonment issues.

Steve seemed hurt by your statement, but you weren’t sure how much longer you could stand to even look at his face. “Please, Y/N, let me explain,” he begged.

“No, Steve. You don’t get that luxury. You left me for someone else, and I guess you got to live a nice, long life with her. You don’t get to just show back up in my life when you get bored, okay? I can’t afford to play those types of games anymore. Now if you’d let me go-“ You attempted to get to your car, but Steve side stepped you.

“It wasn’t like that. You know it isn’t like that.”

“Just fucking leave! You have no idea what this has all been like for me. You had your opportunity to leave, and you gladly took it. Stay the fuck out of my life, and the hell away from my son.” You grabbed the handle of your car door and got in, reeling as you watched a dejected Steve walk away.

Your heart pounded in your chest as you rested your head against the steering wheel. You were feeling way too many emotions to pinpoint exactly how you felt, but you knew that this couldn’t be good.

——

You put a brave face on for your son that day, picking him up from school in a daze, and only half listening to whatever it was that he was telling you.

You felt bad for only being able to nod along to whatever he was saying, and did he just ask you if he could get a dog? Did you just say yes?

You felt like a stranger watching yourself from the outside in. The ghost of the person you’d developed into over the years watching the past version of yourself slip right back into your body, and take over your daily routine through the next few days of your life.

You had an obscene amount of anger that soon dissolved into a deep sadness, and that sadness shorty developed into a morbid curiosity.

You spent an unreasonable, and certainly unhealthy amount of time searching your old lover’s name on tabloid websites and social media, just to see if he’d given a statement on his whereabouts, or a statement about anything at all.

After about day three of your minor internet stalking, you’d had an epiphany while sitting in your office.

You still have Steve’s number saved on your phone.

That was, of course, if it hadn’t changed between now and the years that he’d been off living in the past.

Something about knowing that you were just one text away from him made your heart race with a mixture of nerves and interest. Just one impulsive decision, and you could change the whole trajectory of the rest of your life.

If you got back in contact with Steve, you might not ever be willing to leave him. You refused to make that mistake again.

Until you did.

After reading Grant his nightly bedtime story, then wrapping him tightly in his little bed, you’d decided to treat yourself to a glass of Chardonnay.

It’d been a weird past couple of days. Your time traveling ex had randomly appeared back into your life, your coworkers seemed to get on your nerves a little more every moment you were around them, and Grant had a temper tantrum in the grocery store that afternoon over a chocolate bar, which gained judging stares from customers, and may have made you feel the slightest bit inadequate.

At least that’s what you told yourself as you filled your glass again, because two glasses can’t hurt, and again, since I kinda deserve this extra one, don’t I? The next thing you knew, the bottle was empty, and you were texting Steve for the first time in years.

Y: Is this Steve?

You watched as three white dots hovered on your screen for a moment, disappeared, then came back once again.

S: Is this Y/N?

Y: Yes.

Y: We should tlak

Y: *talk

S: I agree.

Y: So lets

Y: talk

S: I don’t think this is a conversation for texts.

Y: Then call me???????????????????

S: We should talk in person.

Y: Im not gonna do that sober

S: You’re not sober?

Y: do you think id text u sober u big fuckni asshole

S: I guess you’re right

S: So are we gonna talk?

Y: no ur gonna meet me at b cup cafe tomorrow at 10

S: AM or PM?

Y: AM I’m off

S: Are you sure you want to do this?

Y: Say yes before i change my mind

S: I’ll see you there

Y: Bye babydaddy

S: ????

You promptly deleted the messages, tossed your phone somewhere on the sofa, and sunk into the seat. Even in your not-completely-sober state, you already felt the all too familiar sense regret. You dragged the blanket that hung over the top of the sofa over your exhausted body, and closed your eyes, wishing that this was somehow all a dream.

----

It was not all just a dream.

You woke up with dried drool on your chin, and a deep pit of bad feelings and regret in your chest. Of course, you ignored the bad feelings and got ready, business as usual. You successfully dropped Grant off at school with little complications, and found yourself perking up a bit more.

Yet, something still felt slightly off. You reached into the passenger seat for your phone, and as you looked down on it, saw the familiar notification of a calendar event.  

10:00 AM b cup coff w Steeb

You groaned out loud at this. There was no obligation for you to go meet with him, but perhaps going and talking to Steve would bring you some sort of closure. Maybe then you could move on with your life, get with a nice guy who would mean it when he tells you he won't leave you, who loves Grant like he’s his own biological offspring, and to take care of the both of you through thick and thin.

You gladly daydreamed of this fantasy man while driving to the shop, but you couldn’t help but to see Steve’s face doing all of the aforementioned things. Before you even fell pregnant, that’s what you’d truly wanted with Steve. To be a family. To have your definition of home be with your people, rather than a place.

Entering the coffee shop, you briefly ordered your drink before looking around and find Steve sitting alone in a booth, mindlessly stirring around the liquid in his cup.

Timidly, you approached the booth, before setting your purse down and sitting across from him.

“You... you came?” He looked up to you with almost watery eyes.

“Of course I did,” you tried to hold yourself back from mentioning something about following through on your word. You wanted this to be as civil as possible. To build bridges rather than burn them.

“I just didn’t expect to see you in person again. And, you know, you were running a little late,” he added.

“Well, you try waking a five year old up and getting him ready for school every day,” you expelled a humorless chuckle to deflect from the slight agitation you were feeling.

“While you’re hungover?” Steve asked with a bit of a smirk, trying to lighten up the mood.

“While you’re hungover,” You confirmed, genuinely laughing now. It felt good, natural even. You’d kind of forgotten just how pleasant things used to be with Steve.

“Did you mean it last night?” he interrupted the laughter with a serious look.

“I honestly cannot remember anything I said last night. Elaborate, please?”

“That he’s mine. Your son.” He watched you silently nod, then began to speak again, “Wow, I just didn’t realize… How did that happen?” He looked down into his drink nervously.

“Well, it’s kind of hard to recall the exact details, but when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much...” You trailed off, and looked up as a barista called a butchered version of your name.

You were glad to have an excuse to get up and leave for a moment. Adrenaline was racing through your body, and you weren’t sure how much longer you could keep your composure before you erupted into tears, or had some sort of angry outburst.

Bringing your cup back to the booth, you sat down and took a sip of the scalding drink, “Where did we leave off?”

“I believe you were giving me the birds and the bees?”

“Right! Well, I think you know the rest. I’ll tell you more about Grant later. Right now, I want to know why you left and suddenly decided to come back.” You genuinely felt proud of your delivery. This was the moment you’d practiced in front of the mirror for years, and you didn’t even butcher it.

Steve shook his head and looked into his drink once again. It was so hard to look at you, let alone make eye contact with you, when he knew that he’d been the one to give you an ocean of grief. Yet, he was somewhat intrigued by hearing that his son’s name was his middle name.  

“It’s kind of a long story,” Steve began.

“Good thing we have time,” you crossed your arms as you spoke.

“Well, waking up in a whole new time period isn’t exactly the easiest thing ever. You and me both know I missed it there, and it’s always been more than just nostalgia for me. I truly believed that I belonged back there.”

Of course, you had an idea of this, but hearing Steve confirm what you’d already thought made your insides twist.

“But I was so wrong. More than anything, I guess I was in love with a romanticized version of the past. Of Peggy.”

Hearing her name, especially from Steve, made you bristle. You wanted to interrupt him at this point, but it wouldn’t do you or him any good to become hostile while he explained himself.

“By the time I realized, it was too late. I figured you’d already moved on and found someone else to take care of you, and the world, this world, didn’t really need me anymore. But something possessed me to come back.”

“So you’re telling me that if you stopped being an idiot that just assumes things, we could’ve worked this out before? That you could’ve been an active participant in your son’s life?”

“I guess that’s a good way to interpret that story. I know I haven’t been in his life, but is there any way that I can still meet him?” Steve asked hopefully.

“Yeah, of course. He’s just like,” you sighed a bit to yourself. “He’s like a carbon copy of you. Especially his personality, but like, down to his mannerisms. I always struggled to understand how he could be so much like his dad, and never even had met him. You’ll love him.”

“Even if I didn't like him, I’d still love him.”

“How do you still manage to be such a cheeseball all the damn time? You think you’d be able to make it to dinner tonight?”

----

At exactly 6:30 on the dot, your doorbell rang, and before you even had the chance to think about opening it, Grant already was at the door, and opening it. You cringed on the inside, and made a mental note to have another conversation about stranger danger with him.

“Do I know you? Who are you?” you heard your child question from the other room as you set down the last of the plates in your dining room.  

“I’m Steve, your mom’s friend... and…” Steve nearly spilled the beans to his son, but didn’t want to cause any more damage than he’d already done. “Her friend.”

“That’s so cool! I have friends too, like Nick, and Stacey, and,” you’d rushed up to the door and wiped your brow, internally hoping that you hadn’t just smudged the makeup you’d put on for the occasion.

“Hi, Steve, come on in,” You beckoned him in, and pulled Grant to the side, quietly scolding him before leading Steve into the dining room. “Grant! This is the last time I’m telling you about opening doors, okay?” He nodded obediently, then followed you and Steve.

“Can I sit next to your friend, Mommy?”

“Is that alright with you, Steve?”

“More than fine.”

Grant sat down next to him, and scooted a bit closer than necessary, while you sat across from the two of them.

“I have to in… enter a gate you now. Because Mommy never brings any over her friends over. I didn’t know she had any friends.”

You blushed a bit at this, at your son’s overdramatic behavior, and his admission that you’d become a bit of a loner.

“Go ahead, pal,” Steve chuckled heartily.

“When did you meet my mom?”

“Before you were even born.”

“Wow! That’s a long time. You’re really old. What’s your favorite dinosaur?”

“I’ve heard T-Rexes are pretty cool.”

“Have you met any?”

You nearly spat out your drink at this. If only your son had known.

“Nope, never. Have you?”

“Hmm, not yet. But they’re my favorite dino too. Now your ‘gating is over.”

You couldn’t help but to burst out into laughter at the bizarre exchange, but you were glad that your son and Steve were getting along so well.

The rest of dinner went pretty similarly, with Grant bantering with Steve, and Steve indulging him. You could tell that the relationship between the two of them was something that came both naturally and easily. You couldn’t help but to grin as Grant began to ramble about how cool Steve was, and how he swore he was better friends with Steve than you were.

“Mommy, isn’t Steve the best? You guys should totally get married so he can have dinner with us every day!” he swooned. “He even kinda looks like me, right?!”

That’s why you couldn’t help what came out of your mouth next.

“Grant, Steve is… He’s your dad,” you said quietly.

Grant nodded, then slurped up a noodle, “That’s why he’s so cool! He gets it from me, right Mom?”

“That sounds right to me,” You glanced up at Steve, and noticed his surprised expression. You mouthed something along the lines to ‘He’ll process it later,’ and waved a dismissive hand, before going in for another bite of food.

----

After putting Grant to bed, You and Steve stood at your kitchen sink, bumping elbows occasionally as the two of you silently worked together to wash and dry dishes.

The domesticity and familiarity of the action brought you an obscene amount of comfort. You remembered how you once believed that this is what your future would look like. Your thoughts were interrupted by Steve beginning to talk.

“Doesn’t this remind you of life after the first snap?” He asked, breaking the silence.

“Kind of. You’re not off the hook yet, by the way. You still have plenty of explaining and proving you’ve changed to do.” You set the last cup in the cupboard, then dried your hands off.

“I know, I know,” Steve began.

“We don’t even know if you’re ready for fatherhood. But right now, I kinda don’t care. I really just want you to kiss me.” You reached up to Steve’s cheek, and he pulled you in for a soft and chaste kiss.

You’d never felt more at home.

——

me with this fic:

[skullrock]

the campers, chapter one - Steve x Reader

chapter one: the enemies 

series summary:Steve gets a job as a camp counselor at Camp Know Where, intending on using the summer to discover himself. When things start to go wrong at camp, the only people that can help him are the Party, Hopper, and his mortal enemy - you. [Enemies to lovers, angst, fluff, hurt/comfort]

chapter summary: You and Steve unfortunately reunite for the first time in five years.

warnings: swearing!

word count: 1.6k

a/n: alright fellas, I am back with another longfic! this one is a summer camp au. this chap is mainly exposition but it’ll flesh out in the next chapter. hope you are ready to go on this ride w me!

===

Steve isn’t quite sure what he signed up for.

“Steve, you have to,” Dustin pleaded with him a month ago. “There aren’t enough counselors, and if there aren’t enough counselors, then there’s no camp.”

Steve rolled his eyes, bit his heart was sympathetic. “Why is that my problem?”

Dustin sighed, frustrated. “Because we’re best friends, and you’re supposed to help your friends when they need it.”

Steve rolled his eyes again as he contemplated the scenario. Steve had gone to camp when he was younger, but it was nothing like Camp Know Where. Steve’s parents had sent him off to a summer camp that some other Hawkins parents sent their kids to. Tommy H. had always gone, as well as some other boys Steve grew up with. He enjoyed his time there – it was always pleasant and fun. Just a boy doing boy things with his shitty friends. But Camp Know Where had a purpose. Steve didn’t know the first thing about science. Dustin said that could be used to his advantage - Steve wasn’t so sure.

“What’s in it for me?” Steve asked, unpeeling an orange as he leaned against the kitchen counter in his apartment.

“The camp is right on a lake,” Dustin began. “It’s a great spot for swimming and kayaking. You don’t know shit about science, so this is an opportunity to learn. And some of the camp counselors are babes.”

Steve snorted. “What are they, forty-five?”

“Uh, no? They’re your age?”

Steve’s brows shot up at the mention. “You’re saying there are babes I have a chance with there?”

“They’re apparently not your type, ya know, since you hate nerds.” Dustin shrugged his shoulders, but Steve was still very, very interested.

“Desperate times call for desperate measures.”

“And, anyway, you can lead the sports and adventures and hikes and stuff, if you don’t like science. And it’s a nice way to get away from Hawkins for a few months.”

Steve nodded thoughtfully. “Is it paid?”

“You get a stipend of two hundred a month.”

Steve nearly choked on his orange. “Two hundred dollars a month?!”

“And your food is paid for. So is your laundry and housing. It’s free.” Dustin grinned smugly at Steve, and Steve held his hand out.

“You got a deal,” he said. “I’ll do it.”

Steve went through a phone interview and Dustin wrote him a glowing recommendation. And here he is, a month later, driving towards Michigan with Dustin in the passenger seat and multiple suitcases in the back. Steve was required to come two weeks early to learn the ropes, while Dustin was allowed to come early because he was a designated Camp Leader, along with Suzie and some others.

“They call us the ‘Know Everythings’,” Dustin beams.

“Sounds like they’re trying to call you smartasses,” Steve responds, staring absentmindedly out the windshield. Dustin’s smile drops and Steve’s widens. “Don’t worry, Dusty-bun, your girlfriend likes it.”

Dustin slams himself back against the seat, looking out the window. “Should’ve never invited you.”

“Too late.”

Steve was excited beyond the nerves. He had needed some type of self-intervention and introspection after the last three years. He needed a way to mend the emotional scars that the Upside Down and Nancy had left. Dustin had said there were a lot of authors and poets who wrote about the healing power of nature. Steve’s not sure it’s legit, but it’s more hope than he’s had in a while. Robin had also insisted it would be good for Steve to get away from town and try to find himself. So Steve is going into it with an open mind, trying to fight his negative side with suffocating positivity.

==

You, on the other hand, knew exactly what you’d signed up for.

You had gone to camp when you were younger, too. Except you hated that camp with a passion. Each summer, you’d cry to your parents as June rolled around. You didn’t want to go back to that stupid, hot, ridiculous camp, where a certain group of boys made your life hell. But your parents insisted it was good for you, and they sent you until you were too old to go. In a way, they were right; the camp had taught you to stand up for yourself. It gave you the confidence and self-love a lot of people didn’t have. But you certainly wished you’d found all of that in a healthier way - not because boys would steal your clothes when you were swimming at night, leaving you to walk to your cabin naked.

So, you signed up to help out at Camp Know Where two years ago because you loved science and the outdoors, and you wanted to facilitate a healthy self-love journey for the campers. You wanted to help teach them how to be themselves, to love themselves, to stick up for themselves. And, truth be told, nerds need that kind of reassurance. You’re a nerd – you’d know.

You came to camp two weeks early to help train the new counselors. You didn’t get the list of names, but if you had, you would have run away as soon as your eyes landed on Steve Harrington.

==

It was, by all accounts, a beautiful June day. Not too hot, not too cool. The breeze rustled the leaves and the waves of the lake lapped the shoreline. Not a cloud in the bright blue expanse above the camp, which was buzzing with Camp Leaders and trainees. You stood at the entrance, helping direct people to the registration table. You were excited to see some of your favorites again – especially Suzie and Dustin. They’d been campers you bonded with last year, and you were ready to see them again.

Suzie came by first, adorably excited to see Dustin when he arrived. “He said he’s bringing a friend to help be a counselor, do you know them?”

“Oh, I have no clue,” you remark. “Do you know their name?”

“Steve, something? They’re pretty close.”

The name Steve had always left a bitter taste in your mouth, so you visibly cringe. Suzie’s brows furrow but you assure her you’re fine. It can’t be that Steve. There’s no way the Steve you knew at Camp Golden Rays was about to come here, to a nerd-infested camp, to help out with kids. No way.

You continue to greet campers and new counselors as they come. During a lull, you lean against the picket fence that lined the entrance, looking out at the parking lot. You see a nice BMW come into view – it’s not one you’d seen before. Must be someone new, you think, pushing yourself up off the fence to greet them.

The first person you notice is Dustin, easily recognizable despite the hat covering his curly hair. He’s taller than the last time you’d seen him – kids grow up so fast. You smile brightly, happy for him to finally arrive, but your smile plummets comically as you see the next person step out.

It’d been 5 years since you’d seen Steve Harrington, and his hair had grown out and his body had toned, but it was unquestionably him. Steve, that stupid, smug bastard. That idiotic jerk who used to smack your lunch tray and trip you. That moron who all the girls swooned over and excused countless times for shitty behavior.

Here he is, at Camp Know Where – a place you never thought you’d ever see him.

Of course, Steve doesn’t know who you are, at first. His concussions had clouded his memory, only remembering bits and pieces. It takes work for him to remember who people are, or what things happened. Most of his memories of Camp Golden Rays are intact, but he had severely repressed his shitty tween behavior. As he approaches, all he really thinks about is that Dustin was right, there were babes here.

“Y/N!” Dustin calls out, running awkwardly with his trunk to come hug you. You hug him, but your eyes stay on Steve, who beams at you as if he didn’t ruin your whole life.

“Look who it is.” Your voice is cold and monotonous.

Steve stops dead in his tracks, confusion twisting on his face. What now? he thinks. This isn’t the first time he’s forgotten who someone was. But then it hits him, and the realization nearly sweeps him off his feet. Regret, remorse, guilt, and anger rip through him as he remembers you. You, who he used to shove. You, who he used to laugh at. There’s still a part of him that feels that hatred for you, deep down, and he tries to shove it away.

“Jesus Christ,” he says under his breath, before loudly saying, “Hi, Y/N.”

Dustin’s brows knit together, and he looks between you two. He can assume that you both have a history. Steve probably stood you up or something. Slowly, he asks, “You two…?”

“Nice car,” you quip. “Daddy buy that for you?”

“Nice to see you, too,” Steve responds, dragging his feet towards you. There’s a lot of things he wants to say – that he’s sorry, that you look really good now, that he’s changed. But it all rests at the base of his throat. His mouth opens and closes a few times.

“Can someone please explain?” Dustin says.

“You’re friends with this asshat?” You ask Dustin, gesturing to Steve. “Like, actual friends with him?”

“Guilty,” Dustin says sheepishly. He’ll fill you in on Steve’s growth later. “Let’s go find Suzie, Steve.”

And despite your apprehension towards each other, you and Steve share the same thought – This is going to be a long summer.

===

taglist (join here!): @harringtown​ @heart-eye-harrington​ @rosecolouredboi​ @comedy-witch​ @lovesong-remastered​

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

summertime sadness .9. finale

the last time

Sequel to kiss me in the d-a-r-k

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 (masterlist under construction)

Warnings: non con (rough sex)

This is dark!(dad)Steve and dark(professor!)Bucky and dark!Loki and explicit. 18+ only.

Summary: The reader makes up her mind.

Note: So this is the end, but I am leaving a possible third addition open in the future but not anytime soon. We’ve followed our reader so far and in my head she’s still growing. No spoilers but this one’s bittersweet.💋

<3 Let me know what you think in a reblog, reply, or like. I’m loving the feedback from y'all and the enthusiasm! Also as always, memes accepted.

💋💋💋

You were at the townhouse at eight but you were certain to linger outside till quarter after before you knocked. You checked your phone and slid it in your pocket. Loki was seething as he answered the door, his nose was swollen and purple around his left nostril; close to broken but not quite. You repressed a smile and entered with an apology.

Your chest felt ready to burst. This had to work, though it was never hard to provoke him. You shied away at the door and he grabbed you by your arm. He dragged you towards the stairs.

"Jesus," He snarled. "What, did the old man give you a pep talk?"

"You… you can't think… how can you keep doing this?" You asked as you dug your heels in. “Let go."

"You think he can save you. Too late to start this now, darling." He taunted as he turned back and pulled you to him. "I've had you before and I'll have you until I'm well and done with you."

You struggled with him. "I don't care anymore.  Tell them. Tell everyone."

"Oh dear," He snickered. "You don't tell me what to do."

"No, it's over." You tried to yank away from him. "I can't--"

"My dear, I can bend you over right here regardless of what you can't do." 

He shoved you back through the archway that led to his front room. Your ass hit the back of the couch and you nearly fell over it.

You tried to slip your wrists free and he spun you around and twisted your arm up behind your back. You let out a grunt and he added pressure. You were forced to bend over the couch.

Your phone slipped from your front pocket and onto the couch cushion. You hissed through your teeth as he held you down with one hand on your contorted arm. 

He jerked your body as he ripped your pants down your ass, your panties caught in them. 

"I'll teach you to be trite with me," He snarled. "You really think you could sick your old man on me?"

"Stop," You begged. "Stop it!"

"This isn't about your little tryst anymore." He unbuttoned his pants and leaned against you. "This is about you being a little bitch."

He forced himself inside you. He thrust so hard your head was on the couch cushion, your body folded over the back. You exclaimed and the couch scraped noisily on the hardwood with each thrust.

You stared at your phone, a tear leaked from your eye as he kept going. He sank into with zeal. Every tilt of his hips was meant to hurt, to punish you. You grit your teeth and measured your breaths. Let it be over.

His grunts were loud and carnal. They grew with each slam of his hips. He finished just as suddenly as he'd entered you. You shuddered and let out an agonized mewl.

He bent over you, still inside you. He bucked his hips and sent a pang up your spine. His nose brushed your ear as he spoke.

"This is over when I say it's over." 

You nodded silently and closed your eyes. Your tried not to smile. That wasn't hard. Don't celebrate too soon. Not yet.

💋

The university always seemed desolate in the summer. Not many rushed to enroll in the mid-semester; mostly continuing education students or those on the fast track. You didn't mind. The pollen was soothing in the warm sunshine.

It was barren in another way. As if ghosts followed you along the walkways and through the hallways. The smell of paper and stuffiness of windows painted shut.

He didn't know you were coming. You hoped he was alone, you didn't want to lose your courage. You took a breath before you knocked on his door. A minute of silence before he answered. He was surprised. 

"Hey, uh, what are you doing here?" Bucky asked.

"You're not busy, are you?" You asked.

"No, come in," He stepped back and waited for you to enter.

"Keep the door open," You said. "I won't be long."

"What's going on?" He sat across from you.

"One second." You pulled out your phone and opened the draft. You turned the screen to him and hit send. "I just sent you a recording. I don't think you should listen but if Loki gives you hard time, you have my blessing to send it to any and every publication you can think of."

"What is it?" His phone vibrated on his desk.

"I think you can guess." You said. "And he doesn't have a clue but he will."

"It'll be over." He said. "He'll have you run out of New York."

"That's fine. I'm not staying." You assured him.

"Where-- what?"

"I'm dropping out," You declared and the weight lifted off your chest. "I'm going home. I'm going to write."

"I thought you wanted to be a journalist." He frowned.

"I did but I have a different story inside of me." You said. "I don't need this place to tell it."

"I'm sorry to see you go. Student or otherwise." He sighed.

"We had fun. I don't regret it." You smiled. "Do you?"

"Not at all," He said. "Even if it had all come crashing down, I wouldn't."

"Well, then, I guess this is goodbye," You stood and held out your hand. "Professor."

"No, not for good," He rose and shook your hand. "You let me know when you get your book published. I'll be first in line."

"Sure." You giggled. "I'll send you the Amazon link."

💋

You smiled at Steve. He'd stayed in town to see this through, so he said. You were nervous but it wasn't the same hopeless dread you'd come to know. It was the type that came with change; that which was the precursor to an end.

"I'll be here," He assured you as he turned off the range rover. "You call me and I'm up there in an instant. Wouldn't mind knocking him around one more time."

"I don't think that will be necessary." You scoffed. "Trust me… I should have thought of this sooner. Never should have… well, regrets are the best lessons, aren't they?"

“I don’t have many,” He said. “Still, I’ll be here.”

“I know,” You reached over and squeezed his hand. “Thanks.”

He leaned over and you kissed him. There was a pang in your chest as you pulled back. It was hard to keep smiling. “I won’t be long.” 

You let go and opened the door. You stepped out, your phone clutched in your hand. You looked up at the tall building. It would be the last time you walked through these doors. Hopefully the last time you would face this man. Your head felt like a cloud, airy and fragile. The first step was the hardest.

The lobby was busy, the flurry of people reflected that in your mind. The elevator ride was both too swift and too slow. Stacy greeted you on the other side of the doors. You returned a curt hello and continued past her desk and several others. You didn’t even look at your own. Nor did you knock on the door before you strode into Loki’s office.

He looked up, his dark brows knitted together. He squinted as you marched to his desk and stopped before him. 

“I quit.” You announced.

He chuckled. “Now, darling, how many times must we go over this? You don’t quit.”

“Oh, but I think one last time will clear things up,” You unlocked your phone and hit play. You held it up and your heart pounded. You could barely hear the recording for the pulsing in your ears.

"Oh dear," His snicker rose from the speaker. "You don't tell me what to do."

"No, it's over." Your own voice countered and his eyes widened. "I can't--"

"My dear, I can bend you over right here regardless of what you can't do." 

The sound of a struggle followed and the rough scratching of the mic as your phone hit the couch. A low, pained hiss and the creak of the furniture beneath your weight. Another helpless groan.

"I'll teach you to be trite with me," The phone projected his voice clearly. "You really think you could sick your old man on me?"

"Stop," Your pleas were sharp and crackly. "Stop it!"

You hit pause and tilted your head. You lowered the phone as he stood. He looked as if he would lunge across the desk.

“It’s not the only copy. I’ve forwarded it to Professor Barnes.” You tucked your phone away. “Though what should happen with it if you bother him remains to be seen.”

“You little bitch,” He sneered. 

“Don’t like being beaten at your own game?” You said sweetly. “You might not have meant to, but you taught me a lot. A great mentor.”

“What do you want?” He asked.

“Only for you to leave me alone. To let me go.” You replied.

“You’re nothing without me.” He growled.

“Maybe, but I never wanted to be anything but myself. My own.” You shrugged. “Freedom is preferable to anything you can offer me.”

“You won’t get a toe in any door in New York if you release that,” He warned.

“Good, I won’t be in New York. Can’t stand to be that close to you.” You backed away with a smirk. “Time’s up ass hat.”

You spun and swept out of his office. You stopped at your desk and took only the golden pen you’d left in the drawer. You tucked it in your pocket as you reached the elevator. 

You heard a guttural grunt and the whispers that followed. A bang and the audible snap of some unseen object. You turned back as you stepped through the doors. Loki’s door slammed and the elevator dinged as you were closed in. Good riddance.

💋

The car ride was silent. Your adrenaline was still pumping through your veins and only relented as Steve pulled up to your building. You sighed and leaned back in your seat. He finally broke the silence which held you. As if he sensed the limbo which choked you in it’s grasp.

“You alright?” He asked.

“Fine,” You breathed. “Amazing.”

“Well… what now?” He gripped the steering wheel as he idled at the curb.

“Steve…” You looked down guiltily. “It’s over.” 

He frowned and shook his head. He knew. Had known since you hit delete. It was too late to go back.

“I’m not going back to school, I can’t. There’s nothing keeping me here.” You said.

“Kylie…” He began but his voice fizzled out.

“I’ll keep in touch but… I’m going home.” You said. “I’m going to find me. Find out who I really am. Without her, without you, without anyone.”

He nodded and hung his head. “I won’t… can’t ask you to change your mind, can I?”

“No, you can’t.” You said.

“What are you going to do?”

“Write” You pulled the pen from your pocket and held it up as the sunlight glinted across it. “Live.”

You held out the pen and he gently brushed it away. “Keep it.” He said. “You can sign your first print with it. Make sure to save a copy for me.”

“Steve…” You began, suddenly breathless.

“I guess this is goodbye,” He uttered.

“Is it?” You touched his arm. “Doesn’t seem very proper.”

He turned to you and smiled. A smile so sad it made your heart stutter.

“One last time?” He asked.

“One last time.” You confirmed.

💋

It was like that first time; soft, gentle, deliberate. He was careful as if savouring every touch, every kiss. Clinging to the moment as soon enough it would flit away. It was different too. You weren’t afraid, but he was.

He kissed your neck as his hand explored your naked body. He was warm against you, his flesh soft but firm. You felt along his thick arm, admired the shape of him, the sheer strength within. He cupped your breast and toyed with your nipple. His fingers danced along your stomach and he gripped your hip. He squeezed as if assuring himself you were still there.

Then lower. His fingertips tickled your pelvis. You giggled and his mouth followed. A trail of kisses along your skin. His arms hugged your thighs as he lowered himself between your legs. His golden hair, laced with silver, fell forward as he bent to taste you. His tongue set your clit on fire. You moaned and latched onto his head.

You squeezed him between your thighs and arched as he lapped at you. You didn’t want to think about it but you would miss him. You would miss New York. You would miss Bucky. And Kylie. You would miss the life that you would shed for another. To be reborn from your cocoon.

You panted as he suckled at your bud. He grew more and more fervent as he drank you in. You cried out as you came. Your legs shook and every inch of your tingled. He was reluctant to draw away. As he did, he ran his fingers across his glistening lips and tasted them with a hum.

“As sweet as always,” He purred as he pushed himself to his knees. “You ready, sweetie?”

He moved up so that his cock bobbed above your cunt. You nodded and he lifted your legs to lean them against his chest. He grabbed your hips and pulled you close. He slid into you and shuddered as you sheathed his length. He rocked carefully.

You reached out to him and he let go of you to twine his hands in yours. He kept his pace steady as he stared into your eyes. His gaze was smoky as he bared his teeth. Your legs fell and splayed around him. He leaned over you and curled his arm beneath you. He rolled over so that you were atop him.

You kissed him and cradled his cheek. You buried your fingers in his hair and rode him faster and faster. You chased the river flowing through you until it crashed over the precipice. You came once. Twice. Again. Each time speeding up as the pleasure grew more and more intense.

He came with a grunt. He tilted his hips into you and filled you with his warmth. His blue eyes flashed as they rounded and he framed your face between his hands. He rolled onto his side carefully. Still inside you, he hugged you him, your leg slung over his as you basked in his embrace. If only…

And when at last you found the strength to part, you felt his heat seep from you. You sat up and he fell flat on his back. His chest rose and fell with a heavy sigh. He pushed himself up and watched you stand. You turned back to him as his lips curved slightly.

“I know you’re going to go far, sweetie,” He said glumly. 

You smiled and looked away shyly. “Thanks.”

“I just… Before it’s… done, I want you to know how proud I am,” He began.

“I haven’t done anything yet,” You shook your head.

“Haven’t you?” He was silent as he rose. 

He didn’t look at you as he disappeared into the bathroom. He returned and began to dress. You watched him, confused. You left him to clean yourself up and when you returned, he was by the desk. His fingers tapped on it and he turned to you.

“I should go,” He stepped away from it. “But I can’t without letting you know…” He neared and gulped. “I love you.”

Your lips parted. You searched him and he touched your shoulder.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to say or feel it.” He rubbed your arm. “I just needed you to know.”

“Steve…”

“Goodbye,” He leaned in to peck your lips. “I know I don’t need to say it but take care of yourself.”

“Y-you, too,” You breathed. “Goodbye, Steve.”

He cupped your cheek and finally turned away. The door opened and closed in his stead and you stood staring at it until long after you heard his car drive away. Love, that was fiction and that man was a fantasy. Life was not ink on a page, life was out there waiting for you.

[loveforpreserumsteve]

All Good Things: "ALN" Story (Pre-Serum Omega!Steve and Alpha!Bucky Modern Domestic AU)

Nineteen:

June should've been a happy time. Key word, should've. But a lot of things lately should've been happier. Should've just been better in general. But the only thing Steve could think about was how June was Flora's birth month. Or rather, should've been.

Steve kept to his schedule though. He planned their meals. He did their shopping. He taught their sons and prepared them for school. Steve was practically the stereotypical 1950s omega homemaker. And something deep inside of Steve hated that.

Much like the short story from Harlan Ellison, Steve felt as though he had no mouth, but needed to scream.

Turning his agony into creativity, Steve painted more dolls and built more houses and cars and thought that maybe it would do some good if Tibby helped him set up an online shop. After all, her Fantastisaurus shop where she reappropriated toy dinosaurs into menorahs, coat hooks, and other items, was doing very well. Obviously, she'd be able to help.

"Okay," Bucky shrugged on his coat.

As the alpha fixed the collar of his bomber jacket, Steve glanced up at the clock to find that it was going on eight. Since it was Monday, Steve knew that it was bowling night. Although Steve left the house as little as possible, Bucky left every week to hang out with friends at the bowling alley. Probably so he didn't have to think about how much of a mess his husband was.

Steve went back to painting the little face on the smallest peg doll. Bucky kissed his temple and assured, "I'll be home later."

"Have fun," Steve encouraged, not wanting to hold his husband back further than he already did. Besides, Bucky deserved a break.

Hearing the garage door shut, Steve continued painting. Yawning as he did so. The fatigue from his depression hadn't left him, but he pushed himself until he could barely keep his eyes open. At eight thirty, Steve decided to head for bed.

Pausing at the boys' room, Steve peeked inside, seeing that they were both peacefully sleeping. Oliver sprawled out like a star with his foot hanging off the side of his bed beside the guard rail and the Sesame Street comforter practically completely off his body. On his chest, his Finding Nemo Squirt lovey laid, clutched in his hand. Meanwhile Finn was curled up around the Big Bird plush, covered by the pink and purple hand-me-down Minnie Mouse comforter. His Cookie Monster lovey tucked under his blond curls.

Quietly, Steve closed the door and headed for his room at the other end of the hall. Ignoring the room that was still decorated to be a nursery. He knew that he couldn't leave it like that forever, but he also knew that he couldn't think about that right now. He was glad the door had remained closed, though. It made it easier.

Once his routine was over, he climbed into bed and found comfort in the way that Greg curled up in a ball on his feet. Her loud purrs lulling him into sleep. It didn't take long for Steve to let his heavy eyelids to fall closed.

With the bed shifting, Steve's eyes opened to thin slits. Finding Bucky climbing into bed, Steve closed his eyes again. The fatigue so deep in his bones that he wondered how he went on as long as he did. Half-aware that some of it was Bucky's and letting a sliver of guilt slip out before he repressed it. Holding all of it close to the vest, so he didn't burden his husband any more than he already was.

Leaning over, Bucky went to kiss his temple, but Steve couldn't handle the kind gesture and rolled further onto his stomach. He was already using too much of his alpha's compassion, and sooner or later Bucky was going to leave. Steve knew that he would. Why stay with an omega who couldn't do the one thing that omegas were biologically supposed to do?

Pain flashed through the bond and Steve winced. Knowing that he was the cause of it, but not knowing how to remove it since he was already repressing his own just so Bucky wouldn't feel it. Bucky didn't deserve –

"Do you want a divorce?"

Opening his eyes at Bucky's soft voice, Steve clenched his jaw. Holding down the raw hurt that brought to his heart and the tears that prickled at the corners of his eyes. After all, he knew that this was bound to happen.

With his unused voice being scratchy as though he had gargled gravel, he told him, "If you wanna leave, leave."

"I don't want to leave," Bucky assured, pleading. Moving closer, he paused when Steve tensed, "But I don't want to keep hurting you."

Rolling his eyes, Steve said, "You're not hurting me."

"Stevie, you flinch when I touch you and pull away when I kiss you."

Anger was the easiest emotion for Steve to feel. Always had been. At least it was on par for him. Even if he did hate it and hated how his instincts demanded he lash out in order to preserve himself.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Steve sarcastically apologized as he rolled over. Huffing out in annoyance, "Excuse me for not bending to your physical desires. Excuse me for having autonomy."

"That's not what I meant," Bucky groaned, his own annoyance flowing back through the bond to Steve. "I just don't know what to do. If I go to touch you, I hurt you. If I don't, if I avoid you, then I hurt you and I hurt me too."

"Geez, must really be hard living with such a monster."

Bucky's white hot anger flashed through the bond, causing Steve's heart to race, and making him look over his shoulder to keep an eye on the alpha. With a dangerous, low growl, Bucky fiercely defended, "You're not a monster."

"Oh yeah? Then why did this happen?" Steve weakly challenged. Trying to swallow down the emotion before it broke him once and for all.

The fight leaving him as quickly as it came, Bucky shrugged, "Sometimes it just happens."

Tears escaping him, Steve knew, "It wasn't supposed to happen to us."

"No," Bucky agreed, eyes glassy with unshed tears, "It wasn't. But it did."

"I'm scared," Steve quietly admitted. Wiping harshly at his cheeks, "What if it happens again? Or what if I can't get pregnant? What if I do?"

Pulling Steve closer to himself, Bucky hesitated. Seemingly waiting to see if his husband was going to tense or fight to get out of his grasp. When he didn't, Bucky nuzzled closer and kissed his temple. Marking him as he reassured, "I'll get a vasectomy."

"What?!" Steve pushed himself away so he could look at Bucky. His eyes wide as his heart pounded harshly in his chest and his breath started becoming shallow, "Why? Why would you do that? I thought you wanted another baby. Why would you do that if you wanted an–"

"It was just a suggestion," Bucky reasoned, trying to soothe Steve's frantic ramblings. "We can try again if you want. Or we can stop." Begging, "Just tell me what to do and I'll do it."

"What do you want?"

"I want you," Bucky answered, desperate. Tears welling in his own eyes, "But I feel like I'm losing you. And I– I-I... I don't know what to do."

Breaking, his sobs racked through Steve's petite body. The dam inside of him bursting and releasing the emotions from the past four months. All of the hurt, the agony, the guilt. Just, all of it.

"I don't know," Steve wept. Confessing, "I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt you, but that's all I've been doing."

"No," Bucky argued, pulling Steve into his arms, "You haven't been hurting me. Your pain is what hurts me, doll. I just want to be the alpha you deserve."

Curling into Bucky's chest, Steve never wanted him to let go. Realizing now just how touch starved they both were in that moment. Nuzzling into Bucky's neck so he could properly scent him the very way that he had been denying himself from doing so over the months.

"I, uh," Bucky started, hesitancy and nerves jumbling up the bond, "I haven't been going bowling on Mondays."

Brows furrowing, Steve pulled back to look up at his husband. Warning, "If you say you've been cheating on me, I'll rip the mating bite off my throat myself."

Pressing his forehead to Steve's, he assured, "I could never."

Relieved, Steve sighed and nuzzled closer to Bucky. Just needing to feel that strong body against his. Needing to feel safe. And he did. With Bucky.

"I've been going to a support group," Bucky confessed. His voice low as he explained, "It's for alphas who've lost a child."

"And it helps?" Steve sniffled, his tears slowing.

Bucky nodded and kissed his forehead before resting his cheek on top of his head. Quietly, he suggested, "Maybe talking to someone could help you too."

Knowing that if he was ever going to be the man his family needed, he needed to get help. Even if it made him nervous to be so vulnerable around anyone, let alone someone he didn't know. So, taking that first step, Steve promised, "I'll talk to someone."

Softly, Bucky hummed, marking over Steve's back, "I love you."

Although Steve hadn't uttered those words to Bucky in months, he knew that he needed to. He did love his husband, so there shouldn't have been an issue with telling him so. Yet, Steve's stomach twisted because Bucky deserved more than his love. But Steve supposed that all he could do was give Bucky all the love he could.

Barely above a whisper, "I love you too."

With the love flowing through the bond, Bucky held Steve tighter. Just rubbing his back in soothing motions and occasionally marking him. Sweet kisses pressed to his forehead while Bucky softly rocked him the same way he rocked their sons when they had nightmares. Steve tightened his arms around Bucky, further burying his face in his neck. The first kiss in four months, Steve pressed his lips chastely to Bucky's mating bite, doubling that affection coursing through the bond.

TAG LIST: @t3a-bag

[veliseraptor]

You said Loki's signature sin would be envy, what do you think Steve's would be? (And the rest of the Avengers). And the comic those icons were from is Domino: Hotshots.

Every so often I’m still gonna MCU on this blog! It happens! (And thanks for the tip about the comic panels! Maybe I will read that just for my girl.)

Oh man, let’s see here. Okay, I’m going to go with O6 Avengers because I’ve thought about that before, and honestly if you go too far with this it starts to get repetitive. The answer is the same for a lot of characters. 

Steve: Pride. Expressed in the way of “if you want it done do it yourself because you’re the only one who will do it” as well as “I do not require support or assistance from the people behind me and will try to carry everything bottled up until I explode because that’s how it has to be since I’m the only one strong enough to handle things.” Steve is, funnily enough, someone who has both a lot of humility and a lot of pride. It’s just that a lot of his pride also comes out looking like humility, because it’s about the belief that he is best suited to serve, he’s best suited to carry burdens, he’s the one who has to be responsible for everything. 

I wrote about this a little in a fic I wrote recently - Steve is much more willing to give others allowances than he is willing to give himself. It’s fine for other people to give up, or to need a break, or to need to rest. It’s not fine for him. He always has to be the strong one.

And that is very much a form of pride, and it is very much his weakness as far as what causes him harm, and what sometimes creates problems around him as well.

Clint: Envy. This has a lot to do with my headcanons about Clint, but I think it makes sense - for all he plays it as a joke sometimes (”the city is floating and I have a bow and arrow”), Clint is very aware that he is in a lot of ways - even more than Natasha, potentially! - batting outside of his weight class. And that’s something that...I think Clint has a pretty deep running inferiority complex in general. 

He knows he’s weaker than most of the people he’s running with. I think he’s afraid that makes him useless. I think he looks at the people around him and kind of wishes he had that kind of power, that kind of ability, that kind of raw strength.

It is at the very least a self-consciousness, and I think it tips over sometimes into jealousy.

I wrote a long while back about specific overlaps between Clint and Loki that I find really interesting (and that inform the way I write both of them and the pair of them across each other), and that post touched on that, I think. (I don’t feel like digging it up right now, it’s back there somewhere.)

Tony: Pride. This one’s obvious. I mean, Tony’s problems have been consistently created by his god complex/tendency to believe that he knows best and appointing himself to solve everyone else’s problems. (He and Steve actually have this in common, to a certain extent! It just expresses differently, and I think Steve tends to be a little better about not outright overriding other peoples’ agency.) 

Tony has his inferiority complex like hell, and a lot of insecurity to be sure, but he also knows he’s smart and I think likes to believe that his intelligence can solve all the problems he runs into, because he needs to believe that. And a lot of the times it does! Which is why he can make it work for himself, most of the time.

But it also makes it next to impossible for him to admit he’s wrong, or to recognize when he can’t solve a problem.

Bruce: Wrath. Obviously. Bruce has been driven by (largely repressed, until it wasn’t) anger since he was pretty young, I think, and his anger is very large and green and visible when it explodes. He puts a lot of work into controlling it, obviously, but Bruce is someone with very deep wells of rage, and even when he’s speaking his quietest, even when he seems his calmest, that’s still there.

Natasha: Wrath. I had to think about this for a bit, but ultimately - yeah. Natasha hides it well but Natasha is someone with a lot of, at least in the way I think of her, repressed anger at the world. At the way it treated her, and the way it treats others. Natasha has a temper, and has a bit of a vindictive streak - she’s just learned to control and channel both very well.

But that doesn’t mean they’re not there.

I wouldn’t say Natasha’s driven by anger in the same way that Tony and Steve are driven by pride, or Bruce by wrath, or Clint (to a certain extent) by envy. But it’s there, and it’s powerful, and it’s something that’s very present for her. 

Natasha is intimately aware of how unfair and cruel the world can be. She made that work for her for a long time. She still does. But that doesn’t make her happy. It makes her angry, and I think she powers herself with that anger.

Of these I think Natasha’s is the one I’m least certain about, but wrath feels like it fits her better than the other options on the table.

Thor: Wrath. I went back and forth between wrath and pride for this one, because Thor is also someone for whom pride is a big deal, but I ended up landing on wrath because ultimately it has always been Thor’s temper that gets him in trouble. And while that temper comes from pride thwarted, generally, it’s also the temper itself that is a big problem, and his tendency to feel like his problems can be solved if he just beats them up hard enough.

Which is not, obviously, how it works.

Thor is someone with a lot of anger and he’s someone who has had his anger and the performance of that anger validated repeatedly over a long period of time. He was not, for a while, taught self-restraint as a value. And when that rage takes over - it overrides everything else. 

But I’d put pride as a secondary one for him - the two are very much interconnected when it comes to Thor.

[writingfromkitchenator]

Bucky ~ What Happened?

1,300 Followers Challenge!

Masterlist

Requested by Anon

Words: 1,437

Warnings: Neutral Reader, minor injuries, mentions of fighting, brief fight sequence with injury, uncomfortable reader.

Bucky didn’t think much of the talking going on in the lounge room, it was more than common for someone to be in there having some sort of discussion, there were a few of you living here after all and it was the central meeting place.  It was as he walked past though that he froze, and quickly had to double back.

“What happened?”  He asked quickly, hurrying into the room, his eyes locked onto you.

You flinched, bruising and swelling starting to form on your face, a heavy split on your lip, your voice quiet, not wanting to worry him.  “I’m fine Buck.”

He frowned though, looking at Steve and Tony, who both looked worried, a first aid kit in front of you.

“What happened?”  He asked again.

Steve and Tony looked at you.

Sighing, you shake your head.  “I went out for a couple of drinks, ran into some trouble, that’s all.  I’m fine.”

“That doesn’t look like fine, Y/N,” Bucky said, his frown deepening, his eyes taking in each mark. “How did you end up in a fight?”

You knew there was going to be no way around this, you’d been trying to discuss with Steve and Tony how to get around telling the truth to Bucky, knowing how he would react, but he always had impeccable timing.

“A group of drunk guys decided that fighting a superhero was going to be a good idea for the night,” You said quietly.  “They wanted to try their luck against me.”

There was no missing the tension growing in Bucky’s body, his jaw clenching.

“You know me Buck,” You continued.  “I’m not particularly skilled in close combat, nor do I particularly like fighting in the first place, but it didn’t matter what I said to them, they were determined.  It was the most ridiculous thing that’s ever happened to me honestly, and I couldn’t believe it when they followed me out when I tried to leave and-”

“They still beat you up?” Bucky practically growled.  “Are you serious Y/N?”

Sighing, you nod. “It’s not how I wanted the night to go.”

“Where?”  He asked, his voice hard.  “Where were you?”

“Bucky-”

“Where were you Y/N?” Bucky asked again, his eyes flashing. “If those arsehole’s want a fight, then I’ll bloody well give them one.”

“That’s not going to solve anything,” Steve said gently.  “And chances are, they are long gone by now.”

But Bucky was agitated now, his hands clenching and unclenching by his side, his eyes constantly flicking to the wounds on your face.  “We can’t just let this go.”

“I’ll be okay,” You said. “It’s not like I haven’t looked worse before.  I’ll heal.”

“We’ll track them down,” Tony said quickly, as Bucky went to talk again.  “We’ll do something to get them off the streets, but there’s no point in worrying about it now.  Now, you need to take care of Y/N.”

It takes Bucky a moment, but slowly, the tension in his shoulders ease, and his gaze turns soft on you. “I’m sorry Y/N, are you alright?”

You nod, giving him a gentle smile.  “Yeah, I’ll be okay.  I could really use another drink though.”

He chuckles softly and shakes his head, holding his hand out for you.  “Come on, let’s go get you cleaned up.”

Within a couple of weeks, the bruising and wounds had healed and you were back to normal, the fight tucked away into the back of your mind.  Bucky still dwelled on it occasionally, checking in with Steve and Tony on whether or not they’d found anything.

Tony eventually got sick of him asking, and told him if he really wanted to help you, then he’d do something more productive than just annoy him about it.

Bucky was a little annoyed at first, until he realised that the solution was right in front of him.

A few months passed and Bucky finally got the news he was looking for, and proceeded to ask you out for the night.

You were more than a little suspicious when you rocked up to the same bar, shooting him a glance. “What are we doing here Buck?”

He raised an eyebrow at you.  “Having a drink?”

“Huh,” You looked uncertain, but let him lead you inside.  “And the fact that I haven’t been back here since-”

You stopped, seeing the group of men in the corner of the room, quickly getting just as drunk as the last time you’d seen them.

Bucky gave your arm a squeeze.  “It’ll be fine.  Don’t let all that training go out the window.”

Staring at him, it finally dawned on you exactly what he’d been doing.  “Bucky, I don’t like fighting still.”

“I know,” He nods. “It was just a precaution, I promise. Are you drinking your usual?”

The two of you sat, your back to the group, not wanting to draw any attention to yourself, and it was a little frustrating that Bucky was so calm.

“Did it ever occur to you that this is a bad idea?”  You huffed.

Bucky smirks and shakes his head.  “Y/N, trust me.  I’m not going to instigate anything, and if something bad does happen, then I’m right here.”

You stared at him, fingers tapping on your glass, your gaze unconvinced.  “This isn’t fair on me.”

His eyes twinkle. “You’re more than capable of defending yourself, no matter the situation now.  Besides, I’ve heard you say more than once that you wish you could get back at them.”

“That’s because I was in pain,” You grumbled.  “I didn’t actually-”

“If it isn’t the Winter Soldier, and oh look!  Our little friend from last time!”  A voice mocked, instantly setting your teeth on edge.

Bucky sat there, looking smug.  “I take it you lot are the ones that decided to beat Y/N up last time they were here?”

The group quickly gathered around the two of you, clearly drunk and clearly cocky.  “Yeah, wasn’t much of a fight.  Shame, always thought heroes were better than that.”

“Maybe because heroes don’t need to fight someone just because they ask.”  You bit, glaring at your drink.  “Or maybe because there was one of me and lots of you.”

The main man smirks. “You’re a hero, suck it up.”

Your teeth grit together and you look up at Bucky, who gives you a subtle nod.

If these idiots wanted another fight, they were about to get it.

You stood, facing the main arsehole, who laughed.

“Aww, do you want to try again?”

There was a hard crack and shrill shriek as your fist landed squarely on his nose, shattering it on impact, blood spraying everywhere as he buckles over, his friends staring.

Bucky took a casual sip of drink.  “I wasn’t looking, do it again.”

You shot him a look, but that was when another one tried their luck.

Not for naught, Bucky had been teaching you defend yourself the last few months, and with adrenaline pumping through your blood, you were more than happy to show these arseholes just how much you’d learnt.  This normally wasn’t like you, but your irritation at Bucky and your own repressed anger at being beaten up by these guys originally, wasn’t helping anything.

Finally, the last guy went down, a final quick kick to his ribs ensuring that he wasn’t going to get back up.

“Maybe you lot will think better next time,” You growled, taking your drink and downing it.  “Super heroes aren’t ones you can just take on, and even if you do happen to win, then we only come back with a vengeance next time.”

Bucky laughs and stands, taking your hand to pull you away from the now very quiet bar, leaving the group of drunks, bruised on broken on the ground.

“That was spectacular,” He said, grinning, the two of you heading home.  “I couldn’t have done better myself.”

You tugged yourself away from him.  “That still wasn’t very nice James.”

Bucky shrugged, knowing he was in trouble but unfazed.  “There are times and places to be nice Y/N, and that wasn’t it.”

Huffing, you quickened your pace, more than annoyed at him, the throbbing in your knuckles a stark reminder of what had happened.  “You are unbelievable.”

He strolls after you, still grinning.  “And that was incredible Y/N, I should’ve taught you to defend yourself ages ago.”

You made a disgusted noise and hurried home, storming past a confused looking Steve and slamming your door behind you.

Steve looked at Bucky, who was still unworried and grinning from ear to ear.  “What happened?”

All Bucky could do, was laugh.

[kaypeace21]

The Duffers use of music proves byler is endgame (music-analysis)

The Duffers in an interview said that they choose songs for the show very deliberately -sometimes spending weeks on Spotify to find just the right song to convey an emotion/context of a scene. Songs in all seasons (but especially in s3) were used to show how characters are feeling- or just an action they’re about to commit.

For instance, Karen when she’s about to meet Billy at the motel-  feels apprehensive and wants to get out of it (since it would hurt her family) and she was just flirting with Billy as a way to escape her own issues, about her life. She never flirted with Billy for the end-goal of “getting him.”

They even use “cat’s in the cradle’ which could be shown as a way to illustrate the inappropriate age disparity between Billy/Karen.

Other examples-

Right before the boys run away from the lingerie store- the lyrics are literally “I just walk away” XD

Jim when he looks at Joyce- the lyrics are “she’s got you.” ( cause he’s in love with her).

-And Jim after getting Mike to not come over to see El, (by yelling at him) sings…

Joyce after she sees Bob’s drawing fall to the ground and then crouches to pick it up.

And songs also illustrates how Nancy feels about her job (with her sexist co-workers). As the morose lyrics of “I’ll be working here forever” play as it zooms in on Hawkins post -as Nancy rushes inside.

As well as  her excitement -about investigating a new case. As Jancy leaves and the very on the nose song  of “get up and go” begins -as they get into the car.

Billy when he pulls out chloroform (from a perfume bottle).

El after dumping Mike (and smiling about it) XD

So all the byler stuff I’m about to mention proves byler is endgame.

So yes, the fact that the very first lyrics that play when we see mileven kiss for the first time  is “Just a little uncertainty can bring you down”- reflects that (just like the others, the song reflects Mike’s true feelings). The song is from the album “boy in the box (cough closet)”.

And we know this is how Mike (not El) feels about their relationship because he begins to sing the song right after this lyric. It mirrors how when Will danced with a girl (who owned a rainbow hair clip) the lyrics were “every smile you fake.”

Mike continues “And nobody wants to know you now. And nobody wants to show you how.So if you’re lost and on your own. You can never surrender.” He fears that if he isn’t straight everyone he cares about will abandon him, and that he’d be lost and the only one ‘like this’ -all alone.But he can’t ‘surrender’ the false-idea of being in love with El (out of fear).  El even says to “stop” and tries to cover his mouth to prevent him from singing and Mike asks “What you don’t like it?” and El just says “No!”.

Which may be a purposeful juxtaposition to how Robin came out- and instead both Robin and Steve sang off-tune happily together- while El covers Mike’s mouth and tells him to stop singing. When Mileven kiss at the end of the season the song ‘the first i love you’ plays. The same song that plays when Robin comes out to steve (to illustrate the juxtaposition).

What’s interesting is ( right before the mileven kiss) we see a zoom in shot of a picture of Will and a rainbow . Like that’s Will! He has light brown hair (not black) and Will is the only one associated with fire and has drawn himself with fire in the past.

And since El has Mike related-stuff all over her room, and barely knows Will. Mike probably lied saying it was supposed to be him- which is why it’s above her bed.And we also see that based on it’s placement Mike is facing the Will drawing so he can see it  (cause we see El in front of the poster and Mike sitting opposite of her during the 1st kiss) . 

And during this transition the lyrics read “cause just a little more time could open closing doors” Which could be hinting at byler becoming a thing later - when (after some ‘time’) they both become ready to actually admit their feelings/sexuality - despite the other probably doubting the other has feelings for them.

I mean we even see an illustration of Will & the text of the name ‘Mike’ written out next to a rainbow-heart. And 2 other drawings next to the rainbow heart drawing (that are covered in red hearts). XD

(*for those who can’t see Mike written out in the transitioned will/mike pic)

However, what’s interesting though is the one other things he took down from his wall. In S1 Mike (before he even met El)  has a heart sign, with a red heart being propelled by a rainbow. Then in s3 it's gone from his wall when he dates El (cause he's trying to repress the fact he's gay). Why El has a drawing that says Mike (with a heart also propelled by a rainbow.) He can't use El to escape the truth. His rainbow follows him everywhere even when he tries to hide it (from his basement wall and himself) -  and when kissing El!Aka he tries to take it down (like he pretends to be straight). However, in the first ep of s3 when Mike is making-out with El (trying to project his feelings for Will on to her by looking at the Will drawing while kissing) we see a emergence of the heart being propelled by a rainbow (in El’s room) as a drawing.  signifying Mike participating in compulsory-heterosexuality,  and the fact no matter how hard he tries- he’s not straight!

Also El’s reaction to the song - hints that this isn’t actually her mixtape. But one that Mike made for her. or Will made for Mike (since jon makes mixtapes and prob taught him how- Will in s3 gave a mixtape to Dustin so it would not surprise me if he gave one to Mike).

So similar to the drawing, the mixtape hints at byler’s feelings

  ‘I can’t fight this feeling’ (which mileven makes out to later). Actually indicates Mike fighting his feelings for Will. And how he’s been trying to fight his feelings for Will, all season.

Besides the lyrics themselves- the singer literally went on record about the song’s meaning . Which is about a boy being in love/pinning over his friend of many years and never thinking he had a chance at being with them (and being afraid he’d ruin the relationship if he confessed)- but slowly thinking he could  be with them (and that they might feel the same way about him) . And in the song the 2 people AREN’T even together yet!

“Oh, I can’t fight this feeling any longer. And yet I’m still afraid to let it flow. What started out this friendship has grown stronger, I only wish I had the strength to let it show. I tell myself that I can’t hold out forever .I said there is no reason for my fear ‘Cause I feel so secure when we’re together ‘.You give my life direction. You make everything so clear. And even as I wander I’m keeping you in sight. You’re a candle in the window on a cold, dark winter’s night. And I’m getting closer than I ever thought I might”

This makes no sense for mileven who kissed after knowing each other for a week and who didn’t have a long established friendship, beforehand. And who also are already together (and not afraid to express their ‘romantic feelings’ for each other).

Then in s2, mileven dance to ‘every breath you take’ a break up song about a stalker ex. The writer of the song also has said many times “it’s NOT a love song.” The duffers obviously knew that. Lumax also danced to it and Lucas was called a ‘stalker’. El also stalked Mike in s2 (all that stuff milevens found romantic- El watching him without him knowing. Mike says he was not ok with it in s3). And in s3 he said not to do that and she just says ‘i make my own rules’. Not to mention Nancy teaching Dustin how to dance is a direct parallel to Mike teaching El. 

Mike also tries to act like Dustin, and  forces Will to dance with a girl (who’s wearing a rainbow hair clip). Trying to be a good sport like Dustin is about lumax. And right after this we see Dustin look sad about Max/Lucas dancing and Mike (next to Dustin) look sadly at Will/girl dancing in the same exact frame as Max/Lucas. As they switch between these 2 shots to emphasize their sadness/jealousy.Then they both sit down (mirroring each other) on the verge of tears before Nancy and El show up to comfort them and distract them.  As El once again (presumably) wears Nancy dress. Mike “you cant go with your sister… i mean you can but it’d be really weird.”

Also in regards to Will- when I heard they were going to have the song ‘Never ending story’ I wondered if they were going to re-contextualize one line in particular to be a hint at Will’s queerness. And shock- they did it! XD

The lyric is “ Rhymes that keep their secrets will unfold behind the clouds and there upon a rainbow Is the answer to a never ending story. ”

And of course Will is the one with a secret- that is ‘rainbow’ related. And they pan to him during the “secrets” line. I think Will is less in the denial phase than Mike is and already knows he’s gay and in love with him.

And this wasn’t a coincidence because when Lumax makes fun of Dustin they sing the lyrics incorrectly as  “The mirror of your dreams. Rhymes that keep their secrets…” And it pans to Will AGAIN!

We see Will obscured in shadows to represent he’s “hiding”.

And then he appears in the light, looking sadly at D&D as the lyrics , “rhymes that keep their secrets” is sang (again).

And we see he’s specifically looking at the d&d game sadly and about to give it away- since they zoom in on the game title (before he places it in the “donation” box). 

Because the d&d game is used to reflect his desires (like a “mirror”) . It’s the ‘mirror of his dreams’- to be with Mike. Cue Mike saying “ what did you think,really? That we were never gonna get girlfriends? We were just gonna sit in my basement all day and play games for the rest of our lives?” And poor Will  just responding with “Yeah, I guess I did. I really did.”

This lyric about the mirror is NOT in the original song. It was used once again to establish D&D as a romantic symbol for byler. Just like how they zoomed in on d&d right before the romantic “crazy together” speech.

Mike in s3 says “Blank makes you crazy… y’know like the word (love).” Flo in s1 says “ Only love makes you that crazy and that stupid.” Cue Will calling himself “stupid” 4 times (after Mike says they won’t be together playing games for the rest of their lives-and ripping up the Halloween pic , out of heart-break).

(x)

So again right after we see the zoom-in of the game (another romantically coded scene happens after). Will puts the game in the ‘donation’ pile - and Mike isn’t happy about it.

Mike: “WHOA, dude, that’s the donation box.”

Will: “ I know, I’ll just use yours,  when I come back. (pause) if WE still want to play?”

( translation: “I love and want to be with you but I’m not going to pursue you and get my heart broken again. Because even if I feel like you love me… I can’t trust my own instincts about how you truly feel anymore. If you want to play this ‘game of love’  with me you have to initiate/participate in the game properly.” Mike when fixated on El even says it was a cool campaign but  “we just weren’t in the mood right now.” and  also says to Will “c’mon, let’s play for real”  but Will storms off (not thinking that what Mike said was genuine).  

Mike : “Yeah, but what if you want to join another party?”

(*cough, the other ‘species’/girls, or just someone else: girl, guy or otherwise)

Will: “Not possible.”

(Will will always love Mike, and  admits he wants to be with him for the rest of his life).

(x)

And we actually see the Hopper’s Monologue (where Mike is shown)- reflects what Mike said to Will earlier. Mike does want to love Will but he’s just scared of changing their relationship into something romantic- and even though a part of him doesn’t want things to change, he’s still afraid that Will will move on from him as they both get older. “I’ve been feeling distant from you. Like you’re pulling away from me or something” (Will does this both figuratively/literally). I miss playing board games every night (d &d)”. “But I know you’re getting older, growing, changing. And I guess, if I’m being really honest, that’s what scares me. I don’t want things to change.”

Also the lyric “ Rhymes that keep their secrets will unfold behind the clouds and there upon a rainbow- is the answer to a never ending story. ”

One way or another Will’s secret (of being queer and/or being in love with Mike) will eventually come out. And that’s the answer to this “never ending story” between Will & Mike. Their love story. I mean who else is associated with Will’s story and has loads of rainbow symbolism - and has rainbow symbolism that  specifically connects them to Will?

*Lol don’t even get me started  on analyzing how in s1 when Mike thinks Will is dead- Mike hugs his mom and the lyrics are “and we kiss as though nothing could fall. And the shame.” Which is queer coded and written by David Bowie- and during the s2 “freak” speech- Will even says he’d rather be friends with Bowie than Kenny Roggers.

People need to realize no one is a bigger shipper of byler- than the Duffer brothers themselves! XD

[visforvengeance]

Exit music (for a film)

Ｂｉｌｌｙ Ｈａｒｇｒｏｖｅ

Requested by: no one ;)

Notes: hello. here is something i’ve been working on since s3. it was originally called we hope that you choke. but i changed it literally 3 minutes ago. it’s going to be in chapters bc i couldn’t figure out how to write everything without making it an 8,000 word fic😬. the upside down doesn’t exist in this. el doesn’t have powers. ahem hopper and billie don’t die. i thought this song would fit perfectly with billy considering his dad is pretty shit. i’m procrastinating on wdywmts. i’m so sorry. i have a justin foley fic. do y’all want that shit?

Warnings: none in this chapter. i mean cursing? and vulgar language. steve being a dick. billy is maybe out of character. slight mentions of death and daddy issues.

word count: 2,072

Y/n’s POV

“Have you seen the new kid? He’s so hot! Ugh! Look at that hair!” My friend, Genesis, gushed as he walked by. He was hot, but he looked like trouble. And it was annoying how every girl swooned over him. Looks like Steve Harrington has some competition this year. “Gen, don’t you have a boyfriend?” I questioned. She rolled her green eyes and scoffed. “Alex and I are on a break, thank you very much.” I laughed at her faux annoyance.

I closed my locker door and leaned against it. “He isn’t even that hot. He’s already flirting with girls and it’s literally his first day.” Genesis hit my arm. “Can you blame him? Look at him. God, his chest is so mint! I’d give anything to get a piece of that.” I shook my head at how much my friend was thirsting over him. “Jesus, Gen. Can you keep it in your pants? You don’t even know his name.” She smirked and looked at me. “Billy Hargrove.” God, even his name sounded like he’d be a womanizer.

“I’m not even going to ask how you know that. And keep your dirty comments to yourself, Genesis.” The red-haired girl slammed her locker shut. And we began walking to first period. “Oh, don’t be such a prude, Y/N! Ever since you broke up with Steve, you’ve been a complete betty!” I rolled my eyes and scoffed. “No, I haven’t! I just don’t care for boys anymore. They’re stupid and gross.”

“Yeah, since you got your heart broken. Come on! It’s time to show him what he’s missing. Have you seen your body recently? Boys have been tripping over their feet staring at you. You just won’t give them the time of day.” Blah blah blah. She just had to bring up repressed memories of a certain tragedy.

Steve had called me over to attend the end of the year party he was having. His parents weren’t home, so he had a shit ton of alcohol for everyone. When I entered the door, I was greeted by loud music and drunken teens. I wove my way through the crowd and stood by Steve. He’d noticed me and pecked my cheek, “Hey, babe. You made it.” He sounded surprised. “I mean, yeah? Why do you sound so surprised?” He was a little drunk, so he tripped over his words a bit.

“U-usually you never come. Too busy doing your homework or whatever excuse you tell me.” Tommy H. appeared and forced his way into the conversation. “Nah, she’s too busy being a prude. Are you a virgin, Y/N? Steve usually tells me about all the girls he’s fucked, but you? He’s never even mentioned.” Before I had a chance to defend myself, Carol butted in.

“No way she’s a virgin. I heard she had a thing going on with that creep, Johnathan Byers. How’d you take it, Y/N? In the ass? Or did he pop your sweet cherry?” Steve laughed as Tommy and Carol taunted me. I scoffed. “None of your business, dipshits. And seriously, Steve? I’ve been to every one of your stupid parties. You just choose to ignore me. Like you do in school, you cast me aside. Am I not popular enough for you? Is that it? Or are you too busy ogling Nancy Wheeler?” His face scrunched in confusion. “Woah, woah, woah. Are you okay? You’re going a bit psycho. It’s not my fault no one likes you.” I scoffed at Steve’s drunken words. Of course, he’d say something like this.

The next day, Steve found out about what he had said. He tried to explain why he said what he said, but never said he was sorry and that it wasn’t true. I broke it off with him.

I shook my head, pushing the thoughts out of my mind. “I’d rather not. And what makes you think he’d go for me anyway? I don’t seem like his type.” Genesis filled the halls with laughter. “He’s been staring at you since he walked into the classroom. And not to mention, he’s coming over to you now!” What? I turned to his direction and followed until he was standing next to the desk beside me.

“Is this seat taken?” I think I underestimated his attractiveness. He was insanely hot. “U-uh no.” I stuttered out an answer. He nodded and smirked. It was science class and my partner had moved to another state. You know what that means? He’ll most likely be my partner. I don’t think I'm stable enough to handle this.

The next 60 minutes were filled with uninterested and forced conversations about physics and whether I was single or not. Thank god for the bell. Before Billy could say another thing, I rushed out of the classroom and stood by my locker, waiting for Genesis. She looked annoyed as she approached me. “Why the hell did you run off? He was obviously into you.”

I rolled my eyes as she lectured me about the blue-eyed boy’s interest in me. “I don’t want to be the first of girls who he has fucked over. I’ve had enough of that with Steve.” She frowned at my tragic outburst. “You never know! He might be different. Looks CAN be deceiving, Y/N. You have to give him a chance. It’s my dying wish!” Genesis dramatically placed her hands on her heart and head. When I deadpanned, she straightened her posture. “Come on. You don’t even have to go all the way. Just be nice to him.”

I sighed an exasperated sigh. “Fine. Fine! I’ll be nice to him. But as soon as he shows signs that he’s up to no good, I am dropping it.” Genesis excitedly jumped up and down, trapping me in a hug. “Yes! That’s all I’m asking. I just know you won’t regret it.” She declared as she wiggled her eyebrows in a suggestive manner.

Billy had shown up in my next class, and also decided to take a seat next to me. Causing a student to angrily walk to the back of the class, while she shot daggers at me as we talked. He looked at me and smiled. While the teacher taught, he started talking to me. “Hey.” Remembering what Genesis said, I turned and smiled at him. “Hi.” His eyes displayed shock, but his body remained cool. “So, you’re talking to me now?” I laughed and nodded. “I’m glad I didn’t give up on you, then.” “Hm, I’m glad too.”

We talked for majority of second period. He was quite interesting and he had a gorgeous smile. I learned that he came from California and had a sister. He made it his job to walk me to my locker and carry on the conversation we had for three periods now. As we were walking, Genesis’ ginger curls came into view as did my locker. She saw us and her eyes went wide with surprise.

I introduced the two people as I opened my locker. “Billy, this is my best friend, Genesis. Genesis, this is my new friend, Billy.” He turned to Gen and greeted her by taking her hand and placing a chaste kiss on the back of it. “Pleasure to meet you, Genesis.” My friend was astonished, as she bowed. “The pleasure is all mine.” I rolled my eyes in annoyment as Genesis continued to be dramatic.

It was now time for lunch and Billy joined us at our table. While we walked, I felt Steve’s eyes on us. Jealousy painted the features that I once adored. I returned my attention back to the two people who were happily chatting about god knows what. “So, Billy. Are you dating anyone?’ Genesis stated as she nudged my knee with her own. I nearly choked at the question as I looked at her. Thank god he didn’t notice my slight panic and carried on with his answer.

“No, not at the moment.” He chuckled at the question. “Interesting. Neither is Y/N.” I felt hot all over as Genesis exposed my relationship status to a person I barely knew. Now, Billy was full-on laughing while I sat in complete embarrassment. “Yes, and it’ll stay that way until further notice,” I said while I kicked the girl’s knee. She winced in pain and decided to back down, for now. Billy’s face faltered in disappointment. But he quickly replaced it with amusement.

“What a bummer, then.” He smiles almost sadly. “Yes. A complete bummer. I’ve been trying to get her to come out of her shell, but Steve really fucked it up for her.” Genesis said, angrily. He pulled a confused look. “Steve Harrington?” He asked. Genesis and I exchanged a look. “Yeah, you know him?” He nodded while taking a sip of his chocolate milk.

“He’s in my gym class. Real asshat, that guy. What happened between you two?” He asked, curiously. Genesis looked at me, expectantly. I sighed and rolled my eyes. “He was just a dick. He always placed his popularity and shithead friends above me.” Billy shook his head in disbelief and slight anger. “He didn’t deserve you.” Genesis perked up at that. “I’ve been saying that for centuries.” I zoned out as they both shared a common ground on how I deserved better.

Lunch was over and we had to go to fourth period. Genesis and I had gym, so Billy didn’t tag along with us. “So, he seems like absolute boyfriend material.” I shook my head. “You’re really pushing for us to date, huh?” Genesis turned to me after stretching her legs. “Uh, yes? You guys would make the perfect couple. He gives me bad boy/protective boyfriend vibes. Potential daddy issues with unconditional love for his girlfriend? Ah-mazing!”

He seemed really sweet and he was definitely the cutest. His hair seems so soft, and don’t even get me started on his smile. It makes hearts generate above my head! And his body, dear god. It seems so perfect. I’d give anything to feel his abs against my-

“You’re thinking about him, aren’t you?” Genesis nearly screamed at me. “What? No, I’m not.” She squinted at me, not believing a word I said. ‘Date. Him.’ She mouthed at me. I shook my head and turned to pay attention to my teacher’s directions.

The school day was over and I was so relieved. Gen’s dad picked her up early, so I was alone for the rest of class. I was putting my things in my locker when Billy approached me. “Did you miss me?” He asked, jokingly. I laughed and closed my locker. “I just about died without you.” I said as I placed my hand on my chest, dramatically. A slight blush creeped up on his cheeks.

He cleared his throat and regained his composure. “Are you doing anything after school?” He asked. I thought about it for a second and shook my head. “Nope. I planned I’m going straight home. Why?” He held the door open for me as we walked outside. “I was wondering if you maybe wanted to hangout?”

I giggled at his uncertainty. “Yeah, i'd like that. We could probably go to the park? And just sit in your car and talk.” He seemed so happy that I agreed. “Ok. Sounds like a plan.”

We arrived at the park and he turned his car off. I turned so I was facing him. “So. Tell me about yourself. How old is your sister?” “She’s actually my stepsister. But she’s 14. My mom died when I was 8.” I grabbed his hand and apologized. “Oh shit. I’m so sorry. That must’ve been hard to deal with.” He looked at our hands and then up at me. I released his hand and placed mine back in my lap. “It was. My dad...he’s really shitty.” Daddy issues? Wow, is my best friend God?

“Sounds fucked up. I’m sorry, again. Do you miss California?” He nodded. “A lot. But I think I’ll like it better here.” He smirked. My eyes went wide for a second and then back to normal. This boy is going to kill me.

“You know. You’re actually not so bad. I think I might take a chance on you.” He leaned back in his seat. “God, I sure hope so. You seem like a doll.” I laughed at his confidence. “Thanks, I guess.”