#bit of a panopticon situation

[snogfairy]

now that the show has made it explicitly Relevant that Milchick is a black man (and lumon racist) you really can't help but notice the parallels of dehumanization - the innies "aren't real people," he "shouldn't make them feel like real people," they serve only one purpose (work).... there's so much talk about the innies' exploitation as 'kids' but they're really driving home the image of them as slaves, too, this season (on both an intra- and extratextual level), and with the milchick storyline unfolding as it is i think those parallels are not lost on him. idk just really intriguing where they're taking this, probably him potentially switching 'sides' down the road - or trying, anyways, the grip lumon has on all of them is strong, in different ways

[kerink]

I hope it’s okay to just drop some thoughts I was having about Dipper and Stan for your au here! I was just thinking about them isolated in that little apartment and how I’m sure they weren’t provided with any like entertainment. I think it would be a really rough adjustment for dipper who would want to immediately be working on an escape plan. But I think Stan would probably be the best equipped of the family to handle the situation. He’s been to jail and eaten his way out of the trunk of a car. Like, he’d know how to plan escapes under a warden’s nose and keep himself somewhat entertained in the process. I think they’d argue at first but eventually dipper would realize that Stan is also trying to help them escape, he’s just going about it more subtly.

To pass the time maybe they play games that don’t need too many pieces for. Maybe dipper comes up with like an augmented D&D&MD that’s mostly verbal or maybe Stan gets his hands on some cards. They’d probably feel guilty if they start having too much fun though.

I know they are being watched but Bill is distracted by other things so maybe they can get away with a little more than the others, especially if they play up giving up. But it’s a real panopticon situation. They could come up with some kind of code that they can communicate through the games they play. Like playing a certain card means something or they use the plots of D&D&MD to talk about what’s going on in real life.

Thanks for letting me ramble and for making this au it’s so fun!

i seriously love this!

i was also thinking about what they could do for fun too, and was thinking about stan trying to teach dipper to box lol not just because it's something they can do and it fits in with stan and dipper's existing relationship arc, but also because it calls back to dipper's previous character development: him thinking he's useless without the journals, but once gideon kidnaps mabel he's like i don't need magic i can just beat your ass. so dipper already knows the value in having a good left hook, knowing he can be smart and strong, cunning and violent.

i love stan seeming like he's flippant, like he's given up, like he doesn't care about what's going on when it's really just a facade he's putting on to keep everyone calm and relaxed. he's trying to be the stable rock the kids and ford can cling to. stan believing there isn't much he can practically contribute in this situation, so settling for the emotional home base, the place where busy minds can rest.

but i hadn't even considered what you said about stan having been to jail before and how that would impact him. it's sooo incredible it has me feeling a bit crazy. because you're RIGHT. he knows what it's like to sit in a box and stare at a wall. he knows what it's like to play verbal chess with a mob boss. he knows what it's like to be two-faced with an unjust warden. as much as ford is teaching mabel to steel her heart and have a poker face and dance along with bills game, stan can teach dipper the exact same thing

[moonshynecybin]

i feel like maïna sent me an ask/prompt about. SOMETHING. like this for forced coming out au genuinely so long ago but i can’t find it for the life of me so perhaps i simply made that up. anyways here’s a short fic set in that universe about them dealing with the panopticon. and in fact being pda whores in the panopticon. bon apetit

“There’s a photographer over there,” Marc whispers in his ear, breath warm and close. He loops his arms around Vale’s neck as he says it, sounding nonchalant, but Vale knows him better than that by now, can see the tension tucked in his shoulders, hidden in the carefully collected smile on his face.

“Hmm.” He replies, amiably, nosing at Marc’s cheek. They’re in the paddock and they’re together— of course there’s a photographer on them. There’s probably seven photographers on them. Par for the course in years past, but especially these last couple of months.

And Vale’s always believed that if people are going to look, he might as well give them a show.

He lifts a hand and flips Marc’s cap off of his head, setting it down backwards so the brims of their hats arent competing. Marc’s face catches the sun, and Vale leans in to kiss where it hits the jut of his cheekbone because he can— because it’s what he would do, if they were actually together. If Marc was a girl. If any of this had happened the way it was supposed to, for people like them.

His stomach clenches, involuntary. He thinks he can hear the click of a camera firing. Good.

“Now he can see me.” Marc complains, leaning closer. He tries to hide behind Vale, using their height difference to squeeze himself into his shadow, and Vale laughs, tugging at where his hair is starting to curl behind his ears, where Marc’s skin is smooth and warm.

“It’s been a few weeks— We should probably give them something to see.”

“It has.” Marc agrees, sneaking his hands down now, snaking them inside Vale’s jacket and under his shirt. “We should.”

Vale yelps, curves his body inward reflexively. They’re like ice.

“That’s cold!” He pulls a face. Camera flash.

Marc ignores him, cackles an evil little laugh into the fabric of Vale’s shirt around his collarbone. Vale lets him, wraps an arm around his shoulders and leans back in, making sure Marc is the only one who can hear. It’s their preferred mode of communication these days— close, edging on the line of plausible deniability. His lips catch on the delicate skin of Marc’s temple as he speaks, and they’re in public, so it’s okay to keep them there.

“Karen from PR asked the next time we are available, so we can, ah, do another date.”

Just a few months ago this would all have felt like a minefield, but when he raises an eyebrow —a question— Marc just nods easily. Understanding without words. They’ve been getting good at this part, after everything, all the press and performance and years on track, years in each other’s beds. In MotoGP, you have to be adaptable, able to read another rider’s move, know how they’re going to take a corner almost before they do— and there’s a reason Marc and him are the best at what they do.

“We’re in Phillip Island next week— do you want to try out that place we went last year?” Marc responds, voice lower a little more reserved. His fingers edge under the elastic of Vale’s waistband. His hands must really be cold.

Vale nods, even as his chest clenches, resentment and something less empowering spiking through him. Last year. Right at the end. Phillip Island.

Not a good memory.

He lays a hand to Marc’s neck, thumb hitting the hinge of his jaw. Tilts him where he wants him. Marc goes— like he always does, moving easily with him, body pliable everywhere but the track. His brown eyes focus in on Vale’s face, intent. Unsettling, if you know how he catalogs information, if you know how what sort of instincts he has on the bike— shoving in beside Vale on track without a thought. Risking a bit more than Vale’s ever been able to comfortably stomach.

But Vale’s always thrived in high pressure situations, under attention, and the way Marc’s eyes laser on him only makes him settle. Makes him sharper. Clearer. Hot danger zipping under his collar, shivery and sweet. He wonders what Marc will let him do, out here in the middle of the paddock, with a photographer on them.

Marc’s hands flex, where they’re pressed under Vale’s shirt, like he can understand what Vale’s thinking, that same uncanny ability to predict a move rising to the surface. His nails scrape a little, dragging along the skin of Vale’s lower back.

“Let’s do that.” Vale says. He doesn’t really remember what were they talking about. A date, he thinks. Marc all to himself.

Alone.

The careful attention of Marc’s eyes drop to his mouth, then once, quick, over his shoulder. The photographer. Right.

Not alone.

“Okay,” Marc says, eyes searching Vale’s face, uncharacteristically serious. Contemplative. Like he’s thinking about something. Vale raises an an eyebrow, but before he can say anything the look on Marc’s face condenses, and he leans up to kiss Vale sweetly, open and a little messy.

And this has always been the thing that’s worked most between them. Easy and magnetic. The push and pull. The perfect picture.

And then Marc’s pushing forward, deeper, licking into Vale’s mouth. Kiss skewing dirty, dirtier than they usually get nowadays, making Vale’s pulse jump— a dare. How far are you willing to go? it asks, that same impudent instinct he has when he’s diving up the inside of Vale’s race line coloring the kiss, and Vale answers.

His teeth bite at Marc’s bottom lip, exercising a little more control, and he crowds forward, using his height to push Marc’s head back, hand splayed on the edge of his jaw. Directing him, coaxing him. And Marc relaxes like that, back arching into Vale as the kiss extends. A surrender.

Vale’s got him where he wants him, and he doesn’t want to leave. He wants to lift a thigh, get Marc pressed up high and tight against him, wants to drag him off to his motorhome, see how much farther they can get before FP3, wants to—

Another camera shutters, louder, closer, and it breaks the thread between them, bringing them back to reality. To why they’re here. Vale clears his throat, and Marc ducks his head.

Suddenly Vale’s chest hurts, feels cracked open with Marc tucked up against him, nose edging inside his jacket to find some warmth against Vale’s collarbone. So solid and warm and real. The only way Vale gets to hold him anymore is like this, for the cameras.

Love you, he lets himself think, probably for the first time. Love you, he doesn’t say. The camera shutters, and he pulls Marc closer into the well of his body.

[lakesbian]

The only book in my bag that I hadn’t already read was called ‘Triumvirate’, a biography of the leading three members of the Protectorate. I was thinking I would spend as long as I could on Mr. Gladly’s assignment before reading, because I wasn’t enjoying the book. Biographies weren’t my thing, and they were especially not my thing when I was suspicious it was all made up.

obviously this is the part in a worm reread where one goes "teehee, Heehoo, so it was," but beyond that i think it's interesting that this bit establishes that taylor is already disillusioned with and distrustful of the narrative the PRT is presenting for itself, and it gets me thinking abt some of the early contradictions in taylor's behavior & thought processes we're going to see soon. her trauma has led her to deeply distrust systems of authority & society as a whole: the school system + A Lot of the children attending her school knew she was being bullied, and did absolutely nothing to intervene. this is reflected in her power--rather than being focused on control over just a few people or minions at once, it turns her into a walking panopticon, allowing her to survey (or attack!) entire swathes of a city at once. she feels that society itself is watching her and is either indifferent to or actively hostile to her, that attack could come from any direction at any time. and so she has the ability to watch everyone back, to avoid relying on any system of support by having her own thousand eyes (and as she learns how to innovate with her power later on, effectively her own thousand hands with which to control situations on a very broad level).

but despite this disillusionment with systems of authority (PRT/triumvirate included), despite her utter lack of trust in them and in people as a whole to do good, she still starts the book off by being Really Into the idea of being a hero, to the point where she places a nonzero amount of good faith in armsmaster under the very false expectation that he "owes her one" or would otherwise stick his neck out for her when all he's done is beef with her, a 15yo. (armsmaster why are you beefing with a 15yo.) and this fundamental bit of dissonance between her beliefs & her actions is because she'a internalized the idea that society is cruel and uncaring to her because there really is just something wrong with her, because she really is that ugly or disgusting or stupid or just Too Taylor for anyone to care about her. she distrusts systems of authority (& society as a whole) for not giving a shit about her, but she is not immune to the inevitable outcome of bullying wherein the bullied teenager believes that if they could Just Be Different, if they just Weren't Themselves, if they just weren't this terrible unlovable person, then maybe they wouldn't be treated this way. her initial obsession w/ being a hero is very much about that--she wants to believe that if she puts on this costume, if takes up this alternate identity and does it right, then the PRT will value her, then a system of authority & society as a whole will finally accept her and recognize her as something good and treat her fairly. which is a belief that we'll see ruthlessly shredded as she tries time and time again to place some last bit of trust in the PRT to not be Totally Ghoulishly Awful and the PRT breaks that trust every single time :)

[cloudkissedmusic]

Question, do you have any lines you associate with characters other than Jon in your TMA fansong/do you wanna infodump about it

hi !! this is such a great question !! and i would LOVE to infodump, thank you for asking >:)

“Watcher’s Crown” is written from jon’s perspective, and i imagine it to be his inner monologue, but there are definitely lines that are directed toward other characters !!

for example, in the first verse, “and whatever you might think of me, it’s my responsibility, and i can’t act like everything is fine” is directed toward the rest of the archive staff- but specifically at tim, as that line was written to reference jon’s stalker era and tim’s growing distrust of him. this whole verse is jon justifying his actions to himself as he spirals into paranoia.

in the second verse, we have the lines “i don’t want to be a player, i don’t want to be a pawn, i don’t want to be a token in your game”, referencing his situation at large, but directed specifically at the beholding/elias, as jon becomes increasingly aware of the part he is being forced to play.

with the line “i’d do anything to save you”, we turn his focus to martin, where it stays for much of the song’s remainder.

we have jon pleading with martin, deep in the throes of the lonely, to run away with him, followed by the harmonica solo/creepy whispering segment. this part is meant to reference the safehouse period with the soft harmonies, culminating in the clash of all the instruments/rougher vocals as jon “opens the door”.

this last chorus references jon and martin’s journey to the panopticon. “we know where we should be” refers to jon’s survivor’s guilt and the beginning of his understanding that he’s on borrowed time. this culminates in “the epilogue that no one wants to see”, as he resolves to sacrifice himself to the panopticon, and “what do you say, will you end the world with me” which are the last lyrics referencing martin, and serve as jon’s final goodbye to him.

the final verse is directed at elias once again. this was my favorite verse to write, and i had it in my notes app for a long time before i even thought about finishing the song, let alone releasing it !!

jon reflects on everything he’s been manipulated into and has his well-deserved crashout moment. (i do imagine elias just squinting down at him, one eyebrow raised and just. vaguely confused and annoyed at this part ).

and then he kills him !!! :D hooray !!!!! this is my favorite verse to sing. it’s very cathartic.

the “are you still listening” bit was very self indulgent. i had this song written WAY before The Magnus Protocol was ever announced. i actually sang it in VC in the MagCon discord server year before last. i was in the trenches during the ARG. this show means a lot to me, and that was my little nod toward the sequel show, while also being a bit of a 4th wall moment !!

anyway, thanks for letting me rant, and thanks for listening to Watcher’s Crown !!! :]

[wheelsnipecelebrini]

v interested by the media stuff surrounding bedard and celebrini this week. people are reeeeally mad about it!

i think biz's intermission analysis was fine and it's weird people took it so personally. the rant pk and messier went on like a week prior to that was actually what i found pretty stupid (and also pretty incoherent). connor's answer after the fact of, "yeah i'm playing the games...the broadcast isn't really my business" is kind of. like that's where it is, that's the healthy response. and tbh biz's analysis was p spot-on. not to wade into discourse more than i already am, but it's been particularly fascinating to me to see people rise up against biz in defense of bedard when some of those people are also very "i would never pay attention to a chicago hockey happening, due to [valid reasons]." idk man i personally feel you gotta pick one. if the chicago hockey team is one you'd prefer to ignore and eschew then probably taking personal affront to a dude doing his job breaking down a chicago hockey player's performance is maybe not your lane. he ain't abusing the kid, he's treating him like a pro, which he is. final note on that is that it's wild to see people try to use biz's career as proof he has no right to criticize bedard's play. he's an analyst and frankly a pretty decent one imho and the classique dynamic of guys being better at coaching/analyzing than they were at playing is classique for a reason. (teddy baseball's version of coaching was to just snarl, "it's not that fuckin hard" which is, i think we can all agree, a good bit less insightful than biz's typical tnt contributions.) you learn a lot by having to work really hard since your natural gifts won't cut the mustard. im gonna assume biz knows a skosh more than me personally.

and as far as the outrage aimed at sheng daring to request media with macklin...also wild to me. it's a request, and one that the team and player were able to turn down should they have wanted. obviously we're not, like, there, god alone knows how free celebrini actually felt or was, but i'm uh pretty weirded out by the infantilization that's going on here. answering questions after a loss is, for better or worse, actually just part of the job. you kind of can't be a mega-touted player without getting the unpleasant part of the spotlight, too, and that's not really a surprise to any player, and it shouldn't really be a surprise to fans, either.

i feel pretty similarly about the two situations, because both hinge pretty heavily on the player's age, which frankly should be a consideration but really should not be solely determinative. i don't think macklin should be out there after every single loss and i don't think every nationally broadcast intermission report should be devoted to ripping connor's play apart. but this is actually part of the gig. the gig fucking sucks in a lot of ways. unfortunately we are not able to get free-range ethically-sourced sustainable elite athletics. it's not really an option. probably we shouldn't have a world or a system where kids are functionally professionals from the time they're eight years old, but it's a little fork found in kitchen situation when we're being like now why is this eighteen year old phenom co-leading the team in points and holding down the highest average toi of all rostered forwards being asked to talk about why his team lost. like. well. i think we know why. again, it shouldn't be solely or even primarily determinative but i think it's worth recognizing that these guys don't really see themselves as victims, and the concern about the sharks and blackhawks pressuring their prized sacrificial lambs to grow up too quickly is like: that's very specifically the job, and i don't really think a line has been crossed in either situation.

none of this is any kind of argument against saying, "gdamn it's weird that we are patting this kid on the head for speedrunning grizzled maturity in the uncompromising panopticon of sports media" or anything like that, but "he should be in school" was true in both the funny "get REKT by a BABY" way and the "you should probably not be in this particular milieu, for the sake of all of your kinds of health, all things considered" way.

anyway i think it's both normal and good to be protective of your lil guys, one of the purest distillations of why sports are fun, and to be critical about what the sports industrial complex does to lil guys, yours and otherwise, but i also think that of the many basic dignities that by rights should be addressed, these particular events are, like, perfectly fine.

[archivalofsins]

Gunsli as a Mikoto enjoyer you must be losing your shit now that his second trial is drawing closer and closer! You're going to avidly defend him, right?

Meanwhile

Me *carrying a large stick around the panopticon*: FUTA, MU I JUST WANT TO TALK COME OUT! GET THE FUCK OUT HERE!

Futa & Mu: We're not on trial anymore-

Me: The phones...

Them: Huh?

Me: WHOSE FUCKING PHONES ARE THESE?!

Them: ?!

Me:

Well?! Any answers?

Mu: You already did this with me during my trial?!

Yeah, it wasn't really about you it was just for the bit-

So, huh Futa?! Huh whose phone, is it?! Because I know this isn't your phone for several reasons!

So, let's run this down from the beginning-

Question 1

Which cellphone is Futa's?

Sorry, to disappoint but in the battle between iPhone and Android Futa is firmly on the side of Android.

This is made abundantly clear by the fact that unlike Yuno who owns wireless earbuds, Futa's owns wired ones. Something not supported on Apple devices since 2016.

So, why did someone who owns an android phone have what appears to be an Apple charger plugged into his laptop near that flash drive? Well chances are he hooked up that iPhone to his computer to get some information off the phone, erase that information, then move it from his laptop to that flash drive.

We also know this iPhone isn't Futa's because he displays the UI of his actual phone while looking through the color inverted version of twitter-

At which point we can see his UI is completely different from the phone we see breaking at the end of Bring It On.

Futa's phone is also put on full display at the beginning of Bring It On and in other instances showing multiple physical discrepancies between it and the phone that breaks at the end.

From camera placement to general make of the phone and the brightness on the red of the phone case. All things that have remained consistent over the course of Milgram. Making it more apparent which phone is his.

Question two,

Why would Futa take someone else's phone and what information could he need?

He states what he needs and what he's using the phone for at the beginning of Bring It On,

"Found one…! Countdown till I make you say sorry. Let’s go! A victory march! Dan-Da-Dan. Eat this! Don’t act like you have no idea! We won’t forgive you. You’re the crazy one! Ban-Ba-Bang." - "All evil hypocrites should disappear. I won’t stop until you say “sorry”. Now let’s begin to hunt down the liars."

He's using it to get information on the people involved in the incident and track them down.

The rest of the members of the party he was working with for a time. That ended up putting all the blame for that incident on him. This is probably why he's not hanging out with them when he goes to the arcade and is instead watching from a distance.

Using the situation to get rid of two people at once since the hat girl was possibly involved with the group as well hence the line,

"Flames closing in, are both sides losers?"

"Fuck it! You won’t be forgiven; it was stupid licking each other’s wounds." - "You can’t escape, how do you like the taste of punishment." - "You gotta be kidding, I’m an undead hero!"

I've already speculated that Futa's murder was the result of him reacting to the outcome of the hat girl situation and that Futa and this other victim were a part of the same group before.

(I have made way too many posts on Futa: X, X, X, X, X, X, X and many more. Back to the topic at hand though.)

However, the hat girl could have been uninvolved with the group as well. Yet, taking into consideration the very targeted and extreme harassment the group is depicted doing in Backdraft while Futa is looking on in shock and terror I think it's hard for me to not consider this being personal in some way.

That display perfectly calls back to these lines of Futa's in Bring It On,

"I won’t stop until you say “sorry”." - "Now, let’s be reasonable. We are the ones that blow the horn for justice. We will punish you down, this is a warning."

Futa has made it abundantly clear he only does this until the other party apologizes or backs down. Something the hat girl was already doing while the others continued to attack her anyway.

In Backdraft, Futa also spray paints the ones who did this in black as they were doing it. Then we see their tags on the image of the victims have been spray painted over on the wall with black as well once it cuts to the girl.

Black is used as the color to highlight the words on Futa's second trial CD as well,

I believe this color is being used to highlight Futa's version of justice. Just as he says in the voice drama that Es and him are no different, both simply stating that something was bad and things going out of control.

Adding to this Es (and the audiences) judgement of Futa is represented with the same color at the end. As if visually stating the judgement the audience gave to Futa should actually be given to these people instead and reiterating the little difference Futa sees between what he did and what Es and the audience is doing now.

Backdraft even going as far as to have the eyes behind Es be the same color as the spray paint, the people in the group are portrayed using to harass that girl. Making it seem as though by punishing Futa we're supporting the people who did this instead of the other way around.

This makes Futa's question of,

"Should I succumb, make your wish come true?"

Come off as though he's not only speaking about Milgram (Es, and the audience), but the others involved in the harassment of that girl who may have begun doing the same to Futa hoping he'd react in a similar way to their previous victim.

Something alluded to through this image and messages at the end of Bring It On.

QRT Storm Pazuzu　（＝Futa）            I think I’ve got all her details now. Based on her previous tweets I’ve worked out her school. The fact she lives so close is hilarious lol Judgement☨Onizuka You’re the worst offender of all.

"Full of yourselves, are you?" - "Bye bye idiots and devils with the faces of angels." - "You gotta be kidding! I’m the real hero!" - "You gotta be kidding, I’m an undead hero!" - "You’re the crazy one! Ban-Ba-Bang!"

Also we see in Bring It On through Futa's inverted colored phone screen that his icon looks like blue fire or mirrors JudgementOnizuka's normal colored one and vice versa. Implying some sort of connection between the two of them.

It's also telling that Futa is represented by fire and Onizuka water especially given the repeated line of,

"Can't douse this fire."

Within Backdraft.

The lyrics,

"Don’t get cocky, you in that cypher!"- "Holler-holler from safety, so worthless."

These lines can not only refer to the audience or Es but the people he used to hang out with or individuals getting overzealous/too confident with their harassment online. Something the group he used to be in did.

Backdraft also shows off Futa's willingness to just fight head-to-head about it through the line.

"The fight’s up here! Come up to the ring and face me!"

"You won’t be forgiven, a coward, never!"

Question 3

How did he get the phone? Whose is it?

"Are both sides losers?" - "The fact she lives so close is hilarious lol."

It's more than likely the hat girl's phone. Just like the phone we see get smashed in After Pain appears to have belonged to Mu's victim and former friend. Once again, making this another way Futa and Mu parallel each other and why they were paired up.

If the hat girl were also in the group or followers of these people before she began getting harassed, Futa would have an easier time looking over, keeping up with, and figuring out who was responsible for the harassment. That is if he did get her phone after she died.

It would also be similar to how Mu's victim seems to have been involved with Mu or the friend group Mu was in before she passed away as well. However, the phone could belong to Futa's actual victim then when we see it falling to the ground and breaking in Bring It On could be during the altercation portrayed in Undercover.

One thing is for sure Futa and Mu both use breaking phones as imagery for silencing others-

That and they both have a very firm grasp of framing.

Futa would still be able to look over old interactions he was in from his own phone. So, like with Mu in After Pain and It's Not My Fault there may be some playing around with time. In fact, I think there may be playing around with time present in all the prisoner's music videos that becomes more overt depending on the prisoner's personality.

In Futa's case, this is probably why the interactions on his own phone have those inverted colors while the interactions on the one we see break later does not. This coloring choice could denote that these interactions happened before what we are witnessing now. You know how flash backs are usually put in grey or muted colors.

Just as it's implied through After Pain that the messages on Mu's phone happened before her bullying. Futa just goes about displaying this in a vaguer manner.

There are also these things from Bring It On as well that I covered elsewhere before, but I believe it was in reply to someone else's post or something because I can't find it in my archive.

These read,

WARNING [FUTA'S TWITTER ICON] "CONGRATULATIONS [REDACTED]! YOU BROUGHT JUSTICE TO THE WORLD!!! CONGRATULATIONS [REDACTED]? YOU BROUGHT JUSTICE TO THE WORLD???" WARNING [FUTA'S TWITTER ICON] CONGRATULATIONS [REDACTED] YOU BROUGHT [REDACTED] TO THE WORLD!!! CONGRATULATIONS [REDACTED]? YOUR BROUGHT [REDACTED] TO THE WORLD???

I also mentioned this before with this but again can't find it but on the map during the final fight we can see Futa's indicator moving away while appearing to spawn back in.

Also the D in world is styled after his twitter icon-

And at the beginning of Bring It On his phone switches between the Bring It On screen and his twitter feed each time the video glitches before he heads out-

So, yeah- Some credit for all the work Futa did trial one trying to cover up the truth is long overdue.

Whelp that's it. Fuck you Futa for pulling one over on me though really thought that was his phone he dropped.

[eruscreaminginthedistance]

Okay so. I've been sitting on my full first impressions of the game until after the gameplay reveal, cos I know shit can get twisted in marketing.

I was NOT a fan of the trailer. The vibe was off; I cringed a lot; it gave a off very bog-standard hero team saves the day kind of vibe which I inherently dislike because it seems like Dragon Age has just given up on giving you the freedom to be a bastard, or any kind of character that isn't on rails to be everyone's favourite boy. It also failed to bring any dark fantasy to the table. BUT I know from experience, namely the DA2 trailer (not the CGI one. the other one), that marketing is intent on making Dragon Age look like the goofiest shit possible to appeal to the dregs of society (normies). I watched it. Hated it. Moved on to life stuff.

Now with the gameplay reveal out of the way, I have some more solid takes on everything we now know about the game overall.

Things I liked:

The companions all look pretty cool; I've been excited for Devrin for years now, and seeing that he's a Dalish Elf as well as a Warden is quite exciting to see; everyone else are also not only well designed but don't feel like rehashes of our previous companions (apart from Harding)

The return of multiple weapon sets. Thank fucking god. This may even make archer a viable build again. Also I noted that you only have a set number of arrows which the UI tracks, which I'm a huge fan of

The look and style of Minrathous. I like that Bioware is showing their hard work in coming up with a unique area based entirely around magic-tech and I think the result looks great; I am really intrigued by the dark panopticon vibes and hope that becomes a major theme going forward

Different demon designs. I hope there's a bit more variation as the game progresses, but I liked little details like the Pride demons having some kind of armour aesthetic

Dialogue wheel. No notes; she's here, still the same comforting presence as ever. Praying with fingers crossed that it doesn't turn into a super bland protagonist situation like Inquisition

Choosing a faction in character creation that isn't locked to one's race; this one is a really cool idea and if origins don't come back it can be a decent alternative if the reactivity to your choice is the same as in the prologue

Things I didn't like:

Action wheel. Like. I'm a PC person, so I have no idea what the final UI will actually look like for me. But Bioware hasn't elaborated on their UI style at all and if Inquisition is anything to go by, I'm stuck with shitty console-centred UI for the whole game. I would rather just have the ability bar back, for my sanity.

The two-person companion limit. It automatically restricts people into a specific party build depending on their class and I hate that

The Mass Effect-style gameplay. Party tactics was a HUGE draw to the DA series for me, and is what got me into retro RPGs in the first place. Seeing it replaced completely to the point where we can no longer manually manage our party is a huge disappointment. I am willing to keep an open mind, just because I love Mass Effect that much, but it hurts knowing for a certainty I'm never gonna engage with Veilguard like I did with Origins or 2 as a result

The voice acting. Was this an out of date take, or did everyone sound super flat to anyone else? Especially Neve, who didn't seem to know what she was reacting to, just really wooden. It was disappointing, cos I love her voice overall. Wasn't a fan of Rook's voice but I don't plan to play a man anyway

The breaking pots method of looting. This is gonna feel like such a nitpick but I immediately pulled a face seeing that cos I could TELL some suit somewhere asked the Bioware team to "make it more like breath of the wild" and now for some reason it's not dynamic enough to just click on a crate and choose what loot to take; now Tevinters are storing exactly one (1) random health potion in decorative clay jars around the city (more likely than you think!)

The aesthetic of the veil and spirit stuff so far; it's just all a bit bright and noisy, doesn't really grab me as something fun to explore or fight (again, I'm an Origins girly so I'm biased)

Harding coming back. I know she's cool and everyone likes her and I like her too. In Inquisition. This is just a preference, but if I'm gonna start a new game as a new person I don't want to be inheriting pre-bought friends from the last protagonist ://

Things I HATE:

Why does everyone look like play-doh; it's disconcerting.

Like guys I know DA2 is having a renaissance but I don't think anyone was getting nostalgic over everyone's pudding faces.

Everything put out so far has basically crushed any hope I had for this becoming Dwarf age :/ No new dwarf characters, no mention of Kal-Sharok, Harding being the only dwarf companion basically confirms that dwarves will be unromanceable AGAIN. not a fan

TLDR: This is still definitely not a day-one buy for me. The series has just strayed completely from the genre and format that I loved about the previous games into a full action RPG derivative of games from four years ago. Without the focus on party tactics and the low-tech, dark and gritty worldbuilding from the first two games it just fails to excite me. It looks too much like other games for me to really register it as a Dragon Age game.

I love the story and the world of Dragon Age though, so I do still intend to buy it when it goes on sale, but this is definitely a "wait and see the reviews" situation for me, which is a first when it comes to this series :/

[carmendeiact2whenplz]

For the ask meme, Venti and Vennessa!

For venti:

How I feel about him- He’s my absolute favorite genshin character (and maybe character in any media whatsoever), he’s so interesting and I need to know more about him, his abilities, and his past. I hate how many people mischaracterise him, especially if they’re fairly knowledgeable about genshin lore otherwise.

All the people I ship romantically with him- I won’t lie, I don’t have any purely romantic ships with him, and in fact actively dislike most of his popular romantic ships. The closest things would have to be bardven and venlumi (which I can potentially see as romantic, but my personal interpretation of them is more platonic/queerplatonic). I can also technically see one-sided kaeven and xiaoven (as in they both like venti romantically but venti sees them more as close friends), but i’m not sure if it counts. Then again, I do hc venti as aroace so that does make me biased

My non-romantic OTP for him- I did already mention bardven earlier, so in this case I think wanderer, kazuha, hu tao, albedo, and furina all need to talk to venti. Please hoyo we need to see their interactions. THEY NEED TO BE FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!

My unpopular opinion about him- To me, Venti is still a viable character in the meta, and is definitely worth pulling for/using. His crowd control is useful in a lot of situations, especially floor 11 chamber 1 of the abyss (which is usually very difficult without crowd control), and while wanderer and xianyun are objectively much better than venti for vertical exploration, Venti’s skill can not only be used by multiple characters, but it stays there for a while so you can use it multiple times. I am definitely not biased in any way as a triple crowned venti main nope definitely not

One thing I wish would happen to him- This might be a bit of a shocker (/sarcastic) but I want him to have a second story quest. I need to know more about him and istaroth’s relationship, and why venti/barbatos is relevant in nearly every area of genshin’s lore, and hopefully if (and when) he gets his long awaited story quest part 2 it helps answer some of the questions theorists have been asking for years.

As for Vennessa, I have nowhere near the level of knowledge or the brainrot about her as I do for Venti, so my apologies if the responses aren’t as detailed

How I feel about her- She’s a pretty interesting character but not just for her herself but more so some of the information she gave us (webtoon panels about celestia potentially being a panopticon). Her name is also hard to spell for some reason

All the people I ship with her romantically- No one, really. Not because I can’t see her with anyone per se, like the way I feel with most characters, but simply because I have never paid any thought to that question before

My non-romantic otp for her- Her and Venti deserve to hug, and her and Jean need to have a conversation

My unpopular opinion about her- Unfortunately I can’t really answer this question as I don’t have any opinions on her, much less any that I could deem unpopular

What I wish would happen in canon- It would be cool if we saw her falcon form in canon, though I don’t have much to add to that

[smallnico]

4, 5, and 8 durgetash asks >:3

LONG ASS ANSWER thank u for asking <3

https://www.tumblr.com/smallnico/756672403384434688

read more if you like pain with a side of petty god drama <3

4. Did Durge steal anything for themselves during the heist, or did they only take the crown?

the boring answer is yeah, because esper is a big fan of stealing and will do it with very little justification. i don't have any specific items in mind that they would have stolen, but if something looked valuable and reasonably not-cursed, they would've grabbed it and probably pawned it to helsik or one of gortash's buyers.

the exciting answer is that the hell heist is also the first and only time bhaalist esper stole a kiss from everyone's favourite babygurl. this requires a bit of explanation, but i am happy to provide. >:3

so, bhaal uses esper as an avatar. even when he's not actively superseding their consciousness and using their body as his own, he likes to watch through their eyes and make them feel aggression or agitation or lust or nausea or pleasure or pain, or whatever the situation calls for in order to manipulate them into doing what he wants. esper is fairly resistant to the smaller-scale manipulations or their physical emotions and responses thanks to the bard training from their childhood, but they consider these small signs as missives from the divine (because that's what they are, really) -- warnings to stop what they're doing and do what father says, or else he's going to make you black out and wake up with some fresh bullshit to answer for and deal with. esper fears this loss of control more than anything, so they compensate by being a zealous and committed servant, just so they can at least keep their mind. just so they can have Something.

bhaal is always living in esper's head rent free even when he's not there, panopticon style. this, plus the Gift of Guaranteed Murder (which i interpret for esper as a hyperawareness of signs of life in their surroundings and an inexorable pull toward snuffing them out, Especially when people touch them. esper is constantly bordering on overstimulated by the sound of breathing, heartbeats, body heat, etc., so when they're feeling particularly sick from touch starvation, that's when they get cozy with corpses) is the main cluster of reasons they never actually get with gortash, and actively repress their desire to do so. sure, they're extremely aware of the fact that gortash Wants them and they know the effect they have on him, but the only thing they do about it is manipulate his attentions to their gain. where it starts to get a bit cloudier and less manipulative for them both is on the level of friendship and emotional connection. both gortash and esper are deeply isolated and disconnected people, but through some cosmic tragic joke (hehe) they've ended up in the same fuckin. emotional netherzone. so they're both mutually the only person the other has ever felt they could actually relate to, and the very small vulnerable lonely parts of their souls cling to each other with everything they've got in spite of how much the rest of their selves want to pretend that isn't happening.

so, while they aren't really in love per se, esper needs gortash and gortash needs them, both on a deep, scared lizard brain level. but every time esper (who is by far the more emotionally intelligent person in their diad by virtue of literally being an empath and a psychic) tries to reach out for warmth, tries to satisfy even as much as the gnawing touch starvation they feel because they're terrified of losing what little control they have over their body, bhaal is there to shock them away from it with a cold sweat or a physical disgust, just to warn them away from latching onto anything that distracts them from their purpose -- to help him slaughter everything. so they have to ignore the lengths gortash will go to win their favour. they have to ignore the fact that he's willing to share power with them. they have to ignore the grand gestures, the convoluted schemes, the business dealings he amends to benefit their interests as well as his, the nonsense issues he contrives to find an excuse to spend time with them. the fact that he wants to possess them, but is willing to ignore that want and frame their interactions to pre-emptively satisfy the temple of bhaal's independance from his baneite affairs, because he values esper's company just a little bit more than his own greed. and esper can't Not be aware of this because they can't tune out the information their own magic is giving them.

so, what does the hell heist have to do with all of this? let me tell you. since raphael has the ability to silence the emperor And the voice of bhaal in act 3 when he forces you into a private conversation about the crown of karsus (something that also made esper go a little feral, because What The Fuck, You Can Just Do That, Don't Put It Back, cue a lot of panicking about taking that deal because they want nothing more than to be free from all that shit, but that's another point), and because there aren't really any durge moments in the house of hope (and the emperor is also out of reach down there), i thought it would be fun if bhaal just. couldn't possess them while they were in the hells.

so, imagine you're esper. imagine you're embarking on another heist with your bestie associate, normal as anything, as a part of his grand plan (which he made sure to get your god to sign off on) to steal the crown of karsus and turn the both of you into gods, him for power and you for freedom from your current master shit boss dad beloved dark lord. you have your doubts and don't trust him to not use the crown for himself and make only himself into a god capable of subjugating you, but you find these weird illithid plans you can use instead. it's a lot more complicated, but that's how gortash likes to do things, especially if it means getting to work with you for just a bit longer. he thinks this whole tadpole thing could also help finally make his steel watchers, this project he's been labouring on for years, work. his hands are on the crown, they're on ultimate power, and he's showing you these plans instead, proposing an alternative that will Ensure that you can both conquer the world -- together by necessity -- and leverage your followers against the existing pantheon into granting you mutual godhood. no faith required.

and you realize in that moment that you love him for this. and that the immediate whiplash feeling of violence and hatred and disgust you're used to feeling when you love... isn't there. you can hear his heart hammering in his chest and smell the fear and adrenaline in his system, sense the presence of memories he's pushing down. you know the world around him is soup to him right now. he's suggestible, at this point trying to win you over in the only ways he knows how out of habit, because he's wanted to do it for so long it's second nature even when he's so agitated, when you know that he knows that you know that he knows it'll never work. you think about him. you think about what he's promising you, what he's making inevitable for you by locking the both of you into a gamble that could be a suicide pact, but will ultimately free you, one way or the other, and ensure that you aren't alone while you're waiting for how it turns out, because he'll be there with you. your freedom, and finally, an end to your gnawing, all-consuming loneliness.

and you can't hear your god. and your god can't hear you.

so you grab the man by the shoulders and steal a moment in this tense situation to kiss the fuck out of him. everything you have time for. you justify this uncontrolled, impulsive, opportunistic act of pure fucking id to yourself in hindsight with the usual. you were manipulating him into keeping his promise, obviously. he was too gobsmacked and overwhelmed to absorb what you said to him, but you remember. you were in control. something about making sure he kept his promise. you remember, don't you? you didn't do it for you. you didn't do it to spite your god, or to resist. you would never do something like that.

you remember what you said, right?

anyway, that's what esper stole from the mephistar vault. boy oh boy did they ever have to pay for it though, lol. they started spiralling after, eventually culminating in the prayer for forgiveness and the whole bullshit with orin.

5. What did pre tadpole Durge think of Jergal? Was that mindset in any way influenced by Bhaal?

i think esper didnt consider jergal much, other than as a predecessor to bhaal and an ancient minor deity they had no need to contend with. their opinions were very much influenced by bhaal, and bhaal had no particular reason to suspect jergal of fucking around.

the gods bhaalist esper really had beef with were bane and cyric. bane for the whole you-oppressed-my-god-and-killed-a-bunch-of-bhaalists situation (that manifests as an ideological opposition to doing anything gortash tells them to, among other things) and cyric for the whole bitchass-usurper-who-killed-my-god-and-stole-his-job situation. part of the reason esper hates the zhentarim on principle and sides with the guild during any territorial skirmishes in the area is because they do hold a grudge against the zhents for their not-so-secret cyricist history. one of these days i'll write about that particular death cult political drama, since it's part of my headcanon surrounding the hall of wonders heist -- lots of cyric temples were built out of old bhaalist temples and kept bhaalist relics for show, so it seemed to me like a faction that would be likely to, for example, drag a bunch of stolen bhaalist relics into the city for people to gawp at.

given esper's beef with cyric, i believe the thinking is that while jergal served as his seneschal, he was also working to subvert him, so esper doesn't have a problem with jergal. in a way, esper also serves as a seneschal for bhaal, so if nothing else, they understand that you don't often get to choose your god, and you gotta do what you gotta do to live your life with dignity and take pride in what you do. since jergal wasn't (at least to their knowledge at the time) trying to subvert bhaal, esper didn't count him as an enemy.

post-tadpole (and post-endgame) esper effectively has no choice but to become a jergal stan thanks to withers, but even pre-tadpole their personal philosophy (shackled to, but apart from bhaal) aligned harder with jergal than most gods. they were (and still are) a fatalistic believer that all living things must die, but contrary to bhaal's philosophy, esper likes to look at the bigger picture of their victims' whole lives and the impacts their deaths will have -- when they have the luxury of choice, esper is picky about who they kill, preferring deaths that will create a rippling narrative of fear of murder/bhaal or ones that help to prune away undesired developments in the world, and they get their gay little psychic hands all over the vibes of everyone they meet regardless of their intent to kill them, so it becomes difficult Not to remember those narratives. esper always has a few good stories to tell at the feast of the moon.

8. What were their last words towards each other? And who really got the final say? (Same as prev, be as vague as you'd like)

split this one into two, since there are different answers depending on when you consider their 'last' conversation was!

last words pre-orin:

i don't have any specific words in mind, but i feel like their last conversation before orin's surprise attack was about as normal as any conversation could be after the mess during the hell heist. esper was called to moonrise towers to help ketheric with some strategy he'd been planning to entrap and recruit drow soldiers to appoint as squadron leaders, since the swathes of goblins and reanimated corpses they'd collected wasn't very conducive to organization, and ketheric is a great general, but he's not as feverish a micromanager as esper or gortash are, and the absolute's army needs competent leaders for him to delegate to. esper, being raised as drow, had some insights that could be used to hook good candidates, so they were off to make sure it got done right while gortash and orin (probably; she's a shapeshifter, she's probably still here, right?) kept things under control in baldur's gate.

so esper headed to moonrise, where they provided ketheric with their advice, briefly indulged in a drink and an only sort-of-disguised vent session chastising ketheric for only serving his god because myrkul was essentially holding his love for his daughter hostage. the kind of empty judgement that they pass constantly, but their heart isn't really in, because they're mostly just envious that ketheric's god was willing to let him have Something. cue esper going to the basement and getting vibe checked by orin on bhaal's behalf for being an ingrate.

but the last conversation between esper and gortash was purely business. what are you talking about? nothing happened in the hells, no, of course not. no question that gortash had the last word there, because he always does, he's petty like that. something inane and amiable like "i'll have a list of targets by tomorrow, but i'll make sure the temple doesn't kill them all before you get back," or like, "walk in death, my dear urge, or whatever it is your lot says", or "close the door behind you".

last words pre-gortash dying:

"i think i always liked you, too. but this is how it has to be."

... or some more characteristic equivalent based on that line. gortash learned at the very last minute that esper was right -- they did always like him, because they had the ability to curbstomp him extremely disrespectfully any time they wanted, and they worked very, very hard to avoid doing so. he realizes that esper did care about him, very much, because he was now looking at an esper that didn't care what happened to him. he sees them taking their swords to someone else while karlach is killing him -- annoying and embarrassing, by the way, to be killed by an employee of all things --he sees them let someone else take the kill, breaking their promise that he would die by their hand.

but there's some peace in that. they got out. they said they got out. his empire is crumbling around him, and the only person he's ever loved is abandoning him for a second time, and he hates them, he hates them, he hates them. he'll drag them kicking and screaming into the hells with him if bane ever lets him. but that same small part of him that they had thought died when he lost them for the first time, he can feel it again.

and it's grinning from ear to ear. because the plan worked. he's doomed, but he was right, and it worked. and his last living thought is on getting revenge, just like it's always been.

[andbrokenmemories]

full murderbot thoughts post

Alright! Finished with Book 7 of Murderbot, System Collapse, and collected my thoughts on the series.

Maybe one day I'll do one last round-up to read novellas and maybe write a Properly Structured Review Innit, so for now this is gonna be the messy notes version of this. Let me give a paragraph or two of review-y thoughts, here, though. Set the stage and all.

So: I liked them a lot! I wouldn't ever say I struggle with sci-fi, but I think in practice I struggle with sci-fi. For other genrefic novels, tropes i Enjoy the Consumption of can usually keep my interest alive long enough; like, Black Sun and Fevered Star didn't light me on fire, but there was a lot of dynamics and play within the space that I could consistently enjoy and keep. Chewing down the line on. real strawberry lace fiction. real gummy worm fiction

Sci-Fi usually struggles more with that, I guess. Or, rather, I don't enjoy genrefic sci-fi for sci-fi's sake? There is, i think, a needle to thread of Good Spec-fic, of "oooh literature on a Weird Way of Existing". that style can keep me hooked, and Murderbot Diaries manages that with all the intricacies of the SecUnit experience. and also you can just have a lot to say! and murderbot has a lot to say! overall 8.5 out of 10. book 1 is a 9 out of 10 (yippeee strained relations distrust etc); book 2 is an 8.5 out of 10 (ART good); book 3 is a 7 out of 10 (i dont really remember those people); book 4 is an 8 out of 10, book 5 is an 8.5 out of 10 but i think it'd be a bunch higher if i didnt find the middle a bit bloated; book 6 is a 7.5/10, book 7 is an 8/10. loose thoughts from my journal from here on. spoilers for the whole series begin in earnest.

I like murderbot diaries the most when its reasonably omniscient, dynamic feeling, with a bunch of pieces moving around; and when those pieces are the psychology of murderbot as it navigates shit. i popped the fuck off when at the start of the long one [that's Network Effect] we got an interlude of murderbot interacting with mensa and her family and Caring and augh. ouagh.

WE HJAVE TO PUT ON THE BEST DAMN TALENT SHOW THI S COLONY HAS EVER SEEN!!!! [this was right when i got to the documentary part of the last book lol]

what if the other sec units went stereotypical serial killer robot and murdered all their handlers. like yes i get an argument against that that goes down the line of “and then we wont be able to extract from the situation and everyone gets killed in retribution” but, also, i feel like early in this series there was a lot of text talking about how sec units don't actually. think like that. in real life. I dont know, maybe i havent adjusted to a Thematic Choice where actually that was unreliable narration, but i find my brain getting caught up on that every time. like comparing how murderbot talks about how sec units think early in the series to later on. bwah.

anyway [in regards to the end of Exit Strategy] something very unique but kind of hash tag relatable about an extended sequence of a character reconstructing their memories from base principles, all sortakinda drunk. seeing all those cute and Telling and I See How It Is moments, which i derived a lot of value from, really fun capper to a book. good times. and then they hit 100% and the microwave goes Ding and they sit right up in bed and go Damn. That was stupid. I'm leaving.

when the panopticon surrounds you on every level and you have a lot of time to think on your self and your connection to your self and gain access to every system that makes you up and makes you you and all you can manage to acheive with it is the recreation of the panopticon within the self. and being without the panopticon is uncomfortable and foreign and strange. when the character does not allow the narrative to woobify them. 😍

ships you can talk to (who talk back only in concepts) are a gender by the way. that first scene [at the end of All Systems Red] of Murderbot working out its take on the all of it to a ship who can't really talk back, and was more or less the default “easily Manipulated bot pilot” that we just kind of sidestep each time going forwards, but like. was also the Same Thing as Mbot in not having anyone to really talk this out with. we are both on the same level. we, two, have not been taught to sell our class, our people out to the humans; we can be Niceys to one another. you can seek that out and find it. there are glimmers and moments like that throughout the whole series going forwards. which kind of makes hanging out with the humies boring unless they're one of the like 3-4 that i feel have an Interesting Social Dynamic with murderbot

following on from that, i immediately started visualising ARTs feed-self as a Kirby Endboss mass of glowing, dazzling, flowing dials/lenses/clocks towering over everyone else. with speech bubbles violently louder than everyone elses. Like that was how my brain went “how would the graphic novel get this Concept of ‘I could squish you like a bug with one instant of thought you are nothing to me you little it/its freak’ across". and its good. its good

[in regards to Network Effect, and trying to sum up my whole feelings on 2.0]: Whoops! Your clone headmate you made underbaked on purpose came out with ADHD and joié de vivre and is kicking its feet up and down in its partition watching comfort media while you go through the shit that made the Expanse expand. that made the signal is. that made the Space [face/off-style pause] Dead

So, what're my big takeaways with the whole series? Everyone trying to Do Therapyspeak on Murderbot and it usually Not Working is nice. There is something wrong with you, and that's not like a puzzle to be unraveled, but the perspective the text then takes on everything else. this world isn't, like, Fascinating and realized with any special flair, but you get to have moments where Murderbot exposits how fucked shit is to other people, or judges a situation it's bitter about as people around it get Fucked Over, and it's just like. It's a fun level of fucked up, in a way, sure, but it's also those moments of like. Ah. Murderbot does not set out to be protagonist-ly about this world, to be deeply critical, to wikia-mode about it all. Only to be constantly drawn to such anyway, to being Bitter and having to exposit to make certain points land because it needs certain points to land because. shrugs, gestures. The World. All of it. but then we go back to like “Hey do you think you have trauma maybe?” “FUCK you” and it's consistent and that's all chewy in a way I find nice. It's nice. We're having a niceys time. smile emoji

[soviet-siscon]

Not the same anon but on the subject of you meeting only two people who "got it", one reason this blog is encouraging to me is I see anons! It makes me wonder how many people get it but are too scared to ever admit it with their name attached. It's nice to think about how it's probably safer than I expect to talk about these things with people in private in a context where we can make each other feel safe, even though then it also makes me even sadder that the whole, like, panopticon makes it still unsafe to ever find out how many of us there are. There's always more of us than it feels, and even more people who would actually listen if they were allowed to, but the consequences of talking to the wrong person are too bad to make it worth it to find out just how many people are actually safe. Most people definitely aren't safe.

oh yay! I'm glad to hear that.

it's funny, i made this blog after I'd put it off for ages out of a feeling of "that's probably too far" and it's honestly been really nice to have this space to talk about shit and talk with other ppl.

i was very inspired by a girl who got kicked off tumblr a bit before i made it and I found her blog and sending anons really helpful, definitely the first time I've ever gotten to tell another person about my complicated feelings about my brother. so it's nice being able to do that for other people in return :)

i wish it didn't feel so like.... dangerous to run this blog sometimes tbh, like if i fuck up or something links it to my main blog and then suddenly it's callout central, but i don't think that fear will ever overcome enjoying my time here.

I'm glad i get to talk to people about all of this and share my thoughts and feelings and I'm really really glad i can be an anonymous askbox to dump thoughts into because a lot of people are in much more precarious "if i post the wrong thing I'm dead" situations that i am.

this is kinda just introspection i suppose but it was a nice message and made me think :)

[dragonomatopoeia]

not from the us but you viscerally reminded me of the time we had a discussion in english class on how to improve the learnig process and i, the best in class, who learned much better from games/music/etc, suggested to make the lessons a bit more fun. the teacher and all the other students scoffed and laughed at me like i said we should abolish education entirely. still vividly remember how i sat there for the rest of the class completely and utterly baffled. schools am i right.

the idea that education and pedagogy have to necessarily follow extremely rigid and stressful models without any room for play is routinely damaging. we have years of evidence that current academic models have negatively impacted students, with increased depression, anxiety, and instances of literal traumatic stress disorders developing among students.

not to mention lack of respect and opportunities for self-direction have well-documented effects on the human psyche, and when you have students subjected to constant scrutiny from both authority figures and their peers, in addition to the impact of disrupted sleep patterns, you have the perfect formula for fucking up a kid's emotional regulation and willingness to learn

like. humans have literal neurochemical mechanisms that inhibit our ability to learn effectively if we're in stressful situations. ask any adult who loudly hates math why they dislike it so much, and the answer will, nine times out of ten, be The Way It Was Taught. and yet, because This is The Way Things Are, any challenge or attempts to improve things somewhat are met with scorn

but yeah you'd expect it to be common sense that people like when things are enjoyable and do not like being made to feel disrespected and stupid. and therefore education would be more effective if it empowered students and wasn't, y'know, a nightmarish pedagogical panopticon designed for maximum efficiency at a sizable human cost. but for some reason that's a really hard sell

[befuddledmackem]

Title: Notches On The Wall Of My Solitary Cell

Author: Mackem

Fandom: Alan Wake / Control. Remedyverse fic!

Characters: Alan Wake, Jesse Faden, Emily Pope, Ahti, Simon Arish, and Frederick Langston gets a single line.

Pairing: Jesse Faden / Emily Pope.

Rating: Teen for language, as per. Some hurt/comfort in this chapter, as well as a bit of a panic attack.

Word count: 20,314 total.

Summary:

For once, not a single Hiss appears on the platforms criss-crossing the Panopticon as they ascend the floors. Jesse wonders if luck has anything to do with this; would they have appeared if had Emily not insisted that she be accompanied? Her head aches at the thought of the Luck & Probability research team dissecting her situation as they approach Alan’s cell.

Few people know about Alan’s presence in the FBC and Jesse wants to keep it that way, so she waves the rangers off when they reach his room. They salute respectfully in a way she doesn’t know how to respond to, so she just nods and slips into his room, making sure the door is locked behind her before she moves into the overlooking office.

To her astonishment, she hears a voice other than Alan’s coming from the room below.

[good-beanswrites]

Some Fuuta and Yuno drabble from Thermoregulation that ended up getting cut. Sort of a sick-fic situation, I was thinking about how similar she must have been to his victim (age, appearance, personality,) and how it'd affect him seeing her in temperature-related danger. Every version I played out felt a bit melodramatic, but I figured I'd post the tiny bit that did make it to paper anyway

Shidou was jolted awake by the rattling of cell bars. It was the middle of the night; he shifted in his sheets, confused. Fuuta’s voice filled the panopticon.

“Es! Es!!” He must have been putting his full body weight behind punching and kicking the bars, from the way they seemed to rattle the whole room. The guilty prisoners’ cells had been locking for a long time now, it wasn’t as if Fuuta was learning for the first time they wouldn’t open. 

“Get your motherfucking ass over here! Hey! Where is everybody?”

Shidou stumbled out of his cell as Fuuta somehow achieved a greater volume. “Aren’t you listening? Someone’s gonna die on your watch!” 

The other prisoners shifted and muttered from their cells as Shidou passed by. He couldn’t tell if him being a light sleeper was a blessing or a curse at this point. He was glad to address the situation immediately, but he also didn’t feel like singlehandedly dealing with such an excitable prisoner while the others woke. He wondered why Yuno hadn’t come to pacify her neighbor; she somehow always knew the right thing to say when he seemed extra aggressive to everyone else. He remembered she’d come down with a bad fever earlier in the day. She was likely in no state to talk things out. 

Fuuta paused his banging as Shidou came into view. 

“What’s going on?” Shidou said calmly. “Who’s going to die?”

The boy’s expression was wild. “Where’s Es? They gotta unlock the door! She’s gotta get some help, dammit!”

“I can help. I need you to tell me what’s going on.” He didn’t know where Es was either, but he was confident he could do something.

His anger was quickly dissolving into hysterics. “Yuno… Her fever, it’s too high. She’s not waking up. I keep trying, but she won’t. I told her not to stay in here. I fucking told her, but –!” 

He let out a gasp, covering his ears. Over his shoulder, Shidou spotted a figure curled up on the ground. Those with an innocent verdict shouldn’t have been allowed to stay in his cell, but Yuno wasn’t known for accepting authority easily. 

Fuuta gave the bars a heavy kick before sinking to his knees. Shidou knelt down to maintain his gaze.

 “She’s going to die… She’s burning up… I can’t let her die! I can’t – not another – she –” 

“Fuuta, listen to me.”

“It’s going to be my fault. Again.” His hands were back to clawing at his ears. His voice grew louder as if he needed to talk over someone. “I can’t –! She’s going to die, and I, I –! She’s burning up – she’s burning –!”

“-- Hey!” Shidou grabbed a handful of his uniform through the bars. “You are no use to her like this.”

A single tear streaked down from his left eye. “I’m no use to anyone.”

“Take a breath for me.”

“Shidou, she’s…”

“Take a breath.”

Fuuta did.

“She trusted you, that’s why she stayed in there. Yuno doesn’t trust anyone lightly, right?”

“N-no.” 

“If she wanted, she could have come to me. But she knew you could take care of her. And you will.”

Though Fuuta’s expression still looked crazed, he was listening now.

“Here’s what we’re going to do…” Shidou gave his instructions quickly and clearly.

—

Yuno’s head felt heavy. She groaned, rolling over. A shiver ran through her body.

Her voice came out thick as she said, “it’s cold…”  It was an observation directed at no one in particular, which is why she was so surprised to receive a reply.

“Oh thank fuck!”

She gasped as someone fell on top of her in a hug.

Her floaty thoughts took a moment to reel in. It was Fuuta. That’s right, she had gone to sleep in his cell. She didn’t know why he sounded relieved to the point of tears, though.

He sat up excitedly. “Here, I’ve got blankets –” There was rummaging beside her. “Oh wait. First drink this.” 

A glass of water was shoved into her hand a moment before blankets were piled over her.

Yuno liked to pride herself in her eloquence. She was skilled at following quick conversations and catching hints. She certainly knew what to say upon waking up in a young man’s sleeping space. Which is why she focused her bleary eyes on Fuuta and said, “whuh?”

He didn’t seem to mind. He helped her sit up. She would have much preferred to lay back down and keep sleeping now that she had a few extra blankets, but now that she thought about it, she was awfully thirsty. 

[ohsweetflips]

my favorite hobby is starting a conversation with myself on twt and then continuing it here but i do think the uproar over the privatization of likes is vaguely entertaining in an odd way bc it’s like.

1) people have already talked abt the panopticon that is twt and needing to deep dive every single crevice of every single stranger’s life

2) “likes should be public to know if i’m abt to follow a bad person” feels like the 2024 version of the 2020/2021 phenomenon of “you need a carrd with every aspect of your identity and a dni or you’re suspicious”

3) i’ve also seen “how will i find fanart/fanfic?” thrown around which is also like. vaguely wild after being on a socmed where reblogging art/fic has been pushed for years

4) privacy should be a basic expected thing on social media media lmao like it’s feeling very “you shouldn’t have anything to hide if you’re innocent” and like. an opt-in/opt-out option would be ideal but i don’t think anyone is owed seeing anyone’s likes

5) i 100% believe musk did it for bullshit reasons bc it’s musk so i wouldn’t be surprised if it’s bc someone went in his likes and found something repulsive but. maybe it’s just the very small sphere im in. it does lowk feel like a minor panic is happening bc people can’t be vetted by their likes anymore. which i mean yeah sometimes terrible people are ousted bc of their likes but idk maybe it’s just me i do Not like. study every single stranger on the internet i come across. like different situations call for different approaches so i get that and there have been times when i’ve done a bit more of a comb through but. still. every person??