#brain went: do something plotty

[cptnbatel]

sheepishness curls the corner of her lips, and she shifts in an emotional discomfort that quickly becomes physical as it tugs on bruised muscles. if it were her own chief of security stuck sitting across from her in this underground room ( a cellar? it's the closest description marie can find, though there's no evidence that it was ever used as a cellar. there's no evidence that it was used for anything ) from which neither had proved able to climb, marie would be receiving an earful at present — a lecture on recklessness unbefitting her role as a starfleet captain, a reminder of her responsibilities and how wandering off exceeded them...

lieutenant noonien-singh, on the other hand, seemed rather inclined to sit in disapproving silence.

it is a silence that she cannot stand. ❛ for what it's worth, I don't usually go around getting myself into trouble. ��

in marie's defense, something had caught her attention — imagined movement in the corner of her eye. it had scarcely seemed worth interrupting anyone else from their work: they all had far more important things to do, while she was merely an accessory to their efforts. she was only planetside to begin with because she had grown restless and beamed down for fresh air and to personally check in with the joint teams.

since it was not worth disturbing anyone else, she had gone to investigate herself, only for the ground beneath her feet to suddenly give way and land her here. surely that was not her fault, anymore than it was her fault that a similar fate had befallen enterprise's chief of security when she had come to look for her.

// ✧ @ltnsingh liked for a starter.

[bookish-bogwitch]

Thank you @roomwithanopenfire, @rimeswithpurple, @blackberrysummerblog, @nausikaaa, @larkral,

@hushed-chorus, @alexalexinii, @monbons, @whatevertheweather, @run-for-chamo-miles,

@artsyunderstudy, @mooncello, @brilla-brilla-estrellita, @forabeatofadrum, and @aristocratic-otter for the tags over the past few weeks. I've had a crazy month (90% in crazy a good way) and too frazzled to come up with my own WIP posts, but have enjoyed reading yours and being included.

Here are six ten moody little sentence from Chapter 11 of Basil Pitch's Diary. (In case you missed it, I posted Ch. 10, September, a few weeks ago, then fled the country.) Baz is hanging in in Niall and Dev's room:

The last time I was here with Niall, he’d told me to hold out for more than ear scritches and the occasional carrot. Now we sat on his bed with a chessboard between us. “Baz,” Niall said quietly. “What are you doing?”  “Beating you.” I moved my queen to menace his remaining bishop. “With Snow, I mean.” Niall did that thing where the rook and king hop around, which shouldn’t be allowed, and I realized he’d won. Again. Somewhere, in a parallel universe, there is a me who grew up with someone to play against, demolishing a Niall who never went to math camp.

Below the cut: musing, a posting plan, and more tags.

Musing: I've actually written a ton since the last chapter even though I've been AWOL, but for a while no matter what I wrote, Baz felt out of character. I'd write a scene, like it, and then think "but why is he doing this?" Then I'd rewrite with Baz behaving completely differently, and that also felt OOC.

I worried that I'd somehow doomed myself with inconsistent characterization, but then I figured it out: Baz at this point is deeply inconsistent. He presents himself to the world one way, he tells the reader / himself that he's something else, and deep down he's a secret third thing. And sometimes his masks slip.

To some extent this is every unreliable narrator. But boyo has REALLY tangled himself up at this point. Something's gotta give. Until it does--which it will, soon--I have to be very clear in my mind, even if Baz isn't, about which Baz is driving the Baz at any given moment.

A lot of you can do that sort of thing intuitively. I can't. So I've been building this out (showing you just the headers b/c spoilers):

This might stultify some (most?) of you. For me, though, it's freeing. When my brain isn't trying to keep track of everything, my imagination can unfurl.

"'Everything'?" you ask. "This isn't that plotty a fic." It's not, but it's already 2.5x longer than anything else I've written, which means developing skills I haven't needed before. Anyway, my BPD chart and I are having fun. We're very happy together.

Posting Plan

I pushed myself to get Ch. 10 up before leaving home for three weeks, because Ch. 9 had ended on such a wretched note. While I was happy to have gotten it up, I didn't love the self-imposed time crunch (though betas @cutestkilla, @facewithoutheart, and @thewholelemon were fuckin' heroes). Feeling rushed had me stressing and second-guessing choices that were probably fine.

My plan now is to pause updates until I have at least a very rough first draft of the final chapter, then post it all at regular intervals. I know a longish pause means some folks who'd been reading along will wait until it's complete, if they return at all. To those folks--sorry, and I get it, and thank you for reading in the first place, and I love you.

Tags and shy waves to @brendughh  @beastmonstertitan  @carryonsimoncarryonbaz  @carryonmylovelies  @creepyspice

@comesitintheclover @cows4247 @confused-bi-queer @artsyunderstudy@chen-chen-chen-again-chen

@chronicallyhomoerotic @drowninginships @dragoneggos @excalisbury @emeryhall

@erzbethluna @ebbpettier @fight-surrender @fatalfangirl @gay-at-ikea

@fiend-for-culture @forabeatofadrum @foolofabookwyrm-activated @arthurkko @j-nipper-95

@gekkoinapeartree @goblindad-emoshit @henreyettah @hertragedyconnoisseur @hushed-chorus

@icarus-n-flames @ineffable-grimm-pitch @ic3-que3n @ionlydrinkhotwater @iamamythologicalcreature

 @ileadacharmedlife @ivelovedhimthroughworse @shrekgogurt @im-gettingby @youarenevertooold

@monbons @mooncello @raenestee @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @messofthejess

[wyrdle]

hai i am Once Again obsessing over ur newer ze arts ^_^ idky i'm so intrigued over akane asking hongou abt gordains game fjskdj goes insane

lksdjfgnlds YES. Thank you for looking!!!! I'm unfortunately pretty occupied with life stuff, hence the insane amounts of indulgent Hongou Yaoi lol. But I generally just want to do more Hongou x 999 cast interactions 😂 I'll jot down some of my ideas here. VLR and ZTD spoilers potentially???

Honestly that interaction and comic is still marinating in my brain, because I struggle with characterising Akane despite having played VLR and ZTD. I didn't really like those games' insane world-saving/bending powers and plots... and really wanted something more "grounded" (As much as morphogenetic fields can be lmao). So that kind of sparked the plot bunny of an alt post-999 thing, ignoring sequels. (Or maybe, just a fun branch off ??)

I think the essence of it was Akane digging into the root of these games in the first place, and finding she doesn't know enough about Gordain's games. (Assuming her abilities are limited to info in her life time only?) Idk, maybe her resonance with Junpei in the incinerator led to resonance with Hongou and so led to this repeating cycle of death games. So. Maybe she'd like to stop it all somehow, but the only way to do that would be cooperating with Hongou...? Potentially resonating with younger him and idk. Stopping the cycle of violence LOL. Creating an alternate history where he doesn't resort to the Nonary games. Likewise, Akane and the other kids are spared of their trauma. Old man gets his right hand man in one whole piece.

On a tangent, I like the idea of Hongou actually being able to tap into the fields regardless of the above, specifically with Nijisaki. It's way way way more fun to assume these two were close, whether romantically or platonically. I like the thought of them originally plotting to be receiver and transmitter, if Nonary project stuff went right.

Anyway, the plotty junk gets ahead of me too much. This isn't any concrete au lol. I want Akane unfortunately relating to Gentarou haha. It's all about the interactions and possibilities!!! I'm not writing 100k word fanfics 😂

Sorry this reply got overlong, I just thought it'd be good to word vomit my ideas. I love this pathetic but terrifying old man lol. I want to see him in situations.

[eclectic-sassycoweyes]

Mi Mar! 💚

🛳 🥵 👻 🥕 🐾

Hi Harley thank you !!!

🛳 Are there any new ships you want to write for? (Platonic, romantic, or anything in between.)

Hmmm🤔 I don’t know if I have any ships as such that I have like concrete plans for fics that revolve around. But there are definitely some friendships and characters that I have ideas for, like things I can see them having in common.

Since forever I’ve wanted to dive into why everyone except Carlos looks surprised when Nancy hints that she’s dated women! And how their friendship developed. So that’s definitely one.

I also have an idea that includes TK having thoughts about maybe being non-binary and how he might go to Nancy and talk about like. Imposter syndrome in the queer environment and coming out. And Carlos talking to Paul about his feelings about keeping his ‘gay’ label because that has personal value for him given his history growing up as a gay man of color in Texas. I could see Paul and Carlos having in common that they’re both very logical thinkers and would have tried to use logic in their grappling with labels and Paul being able to give advice on that because he already went though the process of figuring out his gender and sexuality and how those interfere with each other when it comes to labels.

And then I have a Jonah fic still very much in the idea scapes too! That answer got long haha sorry I’ll try to reign myself in🤣

🥵 Any plans to write steamy or spicy content this year?

Heheheheh - yes. I get a lot of ideas for spicey scenes and I’ve begun to try and kind of store them so they’ll fit into larger fics but I also have ideas for fics that are all about the spice ! For example one called ✨Shaving Fic✨ wherein Carlos discovers a new kink and one where TK pranks Carlos with Carlos’ own Sexy Playlist.

👻 Is there a new genre you'd like to write?

I don’t know if it counts as genre but I’d like to practice getting more plotty! And writing chaptered fics. I also have a Meet Cute AU in the works. I guess if I write the Jonah one that’ll be a kid!Fic of sorts if we’re talking fandom genres something that I didn’t think I’d ever write! I like sickfics and h/c so maybe I should delve into that too at some point and don’t worry too about whether people will find it weird or want to read it!

🥕 What's one area of your writing that you think needs the most amount of improvement?

Definitely having more plot and faster pace and working with an outline instead of just letting my brain take me out on an extremely long introspective tangent!

🐾 Do you plan on writing for any fests or competitions?

If I can find the time and inspiration for it I’d like to do @morganaspendragonss ‘s angst fest that she and some others are thinking of arranging and the Fandom Trumps Hate!

Thank you againnn<3

[jamiesfootball]

in light of all your snippets from the one that makes you sick dunking me in the angst cauldron lately (COMPLIMENT), take this as an opportunity to share anything you feel like about/from that fic (or any of the others) 🌹🌻🌹

Waaaaaaaaah thank you!!!!!

This one began as a classic 'I had the idea for one scene, wrote that, and now I've got to write everything else around it.' In this case I started at the end and worked backwards. It's a very free-flowing method, which is a nice break from some of my other, plotty-er things.

The basic summary is that Jamie's has started to remember bits and pieces of Amsterdam (maybe; it's not like he can know for sure, can he?) leading to him having a mental health crisis while he's in Brazil with Keeley, who is so far out of the loop in terms of what is going on and trying her best not to make it worse. Meanwhile Roy is stranded back in London, losing his mind over the very troubling texts he's receiving from the both of them.

This one is going to be wrapped in trigger warnings. Nothing graphic, but Jamie's head is not a happy place and some of what he's 'remembering' paints a very bad picture of how that night went as his brain plays fill-in-the-trauma-blanks.

Here's a fairly long snippet. No immediate trigger warnings apply:

Keeley woke with a start. Choking on a gasp, her eyes scanned frantically around the cheery little room of the villa where they were staying. The accommodations were lovely. Even in the dark, the bright paintings and fresh flowers caught the ambient light from the window, cradling the room in a dim and soothing warmth. The air smelled sweetly of orchids.

She'd heard someone scream.

She didn't know how long she'd sat there, her breath rattling in her chest. She listened desperately for a follow up sound- anything that would politely let her know if she was about to be murdered. She didn't even have her normal keychain with her - the one with the thingy on it for breaking windows and tail lights. They wouldn't let you bring that sort of thing through customs, and, fuck, she should've taken Rebecca up on the offer to use the jet. Now someone was coming to murder her and all she'd have to defend herself was a flower pot.

Unless she could sneak to the kitchen. There were knives in the kitchen; Jamie had used a big knife that morning to cut up fruit for his smoothie-

Jamie.

Her worries flipped upside-down. She flung her feet out of bed before she realised what she was doing.

Tiptoeing the short distance down the hallway, she came to a pause in front of the other bedroom. She listened closely.

Jamie wasn't a snorer - not like she was - but he wasn't exactly quiet either. He made soft, wheezy little noises when he slept. She'd always thought it was cute.

On the other side of his bedroom door, the room was loudly silent.

Keeley swallowed. Her hand raised to knock, but she hesitated at the last second. Her fist looked small against the impressive stature of the door.

The longer she stood still, the louder the silence grew. He was awake; she knew it.

"Jamie?" she whispered gently. "Are you up, love?"

Something rustled. Maybe. It could've been the air, or her own bare feet shifting against the floor.

It's only a wooden door, she thought fiercely, her eyes beginning to sting. It's only a few metres. But I don't want to make you upset again. I need you to tell me it's okay- that we're okay. Jamie. Please.

The room on the other side of the door remained deathly silent.

Time stretched for a millennia as she trembled in the hallway.

Woodenly, she lowered her fist. She padded softly towards the kitchen.

When she returned, she carried a steaming mug of hot chocolate. Well, the closest thing to it that she could whip together with what had come in the gift basket and what was stocked in the fridge. Without tea, she didn't know what else to do.

"There's a drink out here for you, babe," she whispered through the door. She knelt down to put the mug and it's makeshift saucer-plate on the tile. "If you need-"

Anything. Anything at all.

"-I'm right down the hall. Okay?"

[sloganeeer]

5, 7, 11 and 16 please and thank you!

5. What’s something you learned while researching a fic?

I listened to so many Spanish language love songs for a throwaway line in verte junto a mí. I liked the idea of TK picking a song because he likes the sound of it, and Carlos veto'ing it, but not wanting to tell TK the truth: "If we play that at the wedding, my Tío Hector is gonna get up there and sing." I also learned, because of writing Lone Star, that tía and tío have accents. I knew the words, but not the correct spelling.

7. Coffee or tea while you write?

Though I love both, these days I'm only drinking coffee. I been trying new brain meds, and they're not working AT ALL, and coffee is my easiest coping mechanism. It's 8:30pm as I write this, and I just made a new cup.

11. What makes a fic 'successful' in your opinion?

Any sign that it's being read makes me happy: kudos, comments, bookmarks, recs. But I'm not looking for my fic to "succeed" these days. I hope it doesn't sound callous, but I don't think about it much after it's done and posted. I love coming up with ideas, I love the writing process, and comments always make me happy, but those are the only AO3 notifications I have turned on. For a day or two after I post, I'll check for kudos, and they're nice to see, but I don't get the emails.

My fic has never been super popular, and I'm OK with that now. I used to be a lot more jealous when I was younger that other writers got fanart or mentions on rec lists. I don't write long fic, like, I know my place in the fandom ecosystem. I really truly write for me these days, and everything beyond finishing the story is gravy.

16. What do you struggle with most when writing?

Long fic! 😂 I've written only one novel in my lifetime (60k words, and it took a whole damn year), one novel that will live and die on my hard drive. I'm not a plotty writer, and I don't have a visual brain, so descriptions are hard (and boring) for me.

I took a long break from fandom (OK, I went and looked, and it was only 3 years between 2015 and 2018, lol. But really, I was only dipping in here and there for much of my 30s) when I felt like I had squandered my writing talent on fandom instead of working harder to make a writing career. And that's when I really embraced being a non-fiction writer; fandom is my only fiction outlet.

But I always come back. Some part of me, deep down, really wants to one day write a novel. Maybe.

ASK ME ANYTHING

[aimmyarrowshigh]

14. What have you been finding frustrating with writing this chapter/fic?

Complain a lil bit at me. I love me some complaining. Brains are the absolute worst, honestly, there has to be a better way to have a consciousness.

GAH, well, since you asked for complaining, haha...

I HAD written all of Lent From Tomorrow. Or, well. I had written fully-fully the first 3/4 of it and had a robust outline and chunklets in the last quarter. So I felt safe to start posting it. I KNOW myself. I am BAD at posting WIPs. I am bad at it. My track record of my entire life illustrates this.

So I started posting it and things were going swimmingly! "Yes!" I told myself. "I'm successfully posting a WIP!"

But then I pulled a WandaVision and went, "oh, dear, everyone consuming this story figured out my red herrings much faster than anticipated, I must CHANGE THE STORY" but not in a "screw the audience over" way like WandaVision, just in a "this reveal comes much sooner than I had written, because otherwise I'm worried it will come across like beating a dead horse to keep dropping hints when y'all already know."

So... that completely undid the back HALF of the story, and I started writing it chapter-by-chapter as I posted, and I was doing okay. It wasn't the weekly update schedule I'd had with the prewritten chapters, but that's fine. It's fanfiction. People go years without updating sometimes, especially me, because I AM BAD AT WIPS. But it was still going okay!

And then April and May happened, and I'm ngl, literally every day of April, something cartoonishly horrible happened in my real life and I did not write a word for the entire month. Or do much of anything. I don't even think I read any comic books. I did zero. And then May was... not much better. Like, maybe something cartoonishly horrible happened every three days instead of every day, but it was still way too much.

I actually wrote more in May than I've written in that same time span since 2024 started, which I'm really proud of myself for -- I wrote 14,000 words (plus like 800 words of unpostable noodling) in three weeks, and that's not, like, Impressive or Enough but it's better than I've been able to produce in a while. I told myself just focus on the drabbles and tiny ficlets that were coming out of the prompt/pairing list I'd set up for myself for MLMay, and I tried not to freak myself out, and words happened, and it was nice! And then the last week of May also happened and we're back to Very Bad Brain Times.

So... I know what happens in the last quarter of Lent. I WANT to be writing it. But my brain is just not "together" enough right now to slip into the mindset for such a heavy-duty, plotty, researchy, emotional longfic, and I'm just spiraling and making myself feel even worse by getting more and more anxious about how long it's taking me to write it.

I know, logically, that it's not a huge deal. If people are gonna stick around to read what comes next, they will, and if they don't, they don't, and that's fine. That's how posting serial fiction works. I mean, that's even how TV used to work in the before-streaming times, and it's not like I worried about the feelings of a showrunner if I got behind on a show or decided it went somewhere I didn't care to follow. That's just serialized art! It's fine! I know logically that it's fine!

But reader, Emotionally, It Is Not Fine. I love this story so much, and I'm so invested in actually finishing something for once and I've stupidly pinned like... a lot of my beliefs about my Worth As A Person on "whether I can finish and successfully post an entire longfic," which, I get it, that in itself is not the biggest issue at play here, but whatever. Baby steps. And I just... it sounds so stupid. And I KNOW that it's small potatoes.

I just want people to like it.*

And I know that every passing day that I don't update, fewer people are going to read it and/or like it, and that also feeds the Bad Brain Spiral. And I don't know.

So tl;dr, the most frustrating part of writing this chapter is myself? I guess????

*Before anyone jumps in to whine about and/or laugh at this statement, I'm not saying "I want it to be a stucky fandom classic," or anything ridiculous like that. I literally just mean that I want the people who choose to read it to enjoy it enough to finish it and maybe have an emotionally positive experience from reading it.

**I also feel very. This is another dumb complaint that I know won't come across right, because internet, but -- I feel very like... separated from stucky fandom (in part because I'm a newer fan who came to the fandom after its heyday, in part because I don't like a lot of currently-popular fanons, in part because I am way too shy for Discord?) and I feel bad bugging uninterested people with thoughts/feelings about my own stories, so I've kind of just... stoppered up my excitement for this story for a long time. Also, an asshole ex-friend of mine straight-up told me that "stuckies are going to hate it because there isn't enough sex and it's really boring for being a fic, especially since it's Steve POV and not Bucky POV" and that just kind of made me feel like. I couldn't squee about the story. And it's HARD to write longfic and not feel like you can share it with people??? IDK. Stuff and thoughts. Whatever. etc.

[achangeinpriorities]

I’ve been tagged by frequent partner in headcanons @sophiainspace for the Last Huzzah To This Hyperfixation fic meme, which is appropriate as I am also likely giving a last huzzah to the Arrowverse! (Incredibly reluctantly, kicking and screaming against my brain all the way, but what can you do)

My first fic for this fandom was Your Move, on 30 November 2019, an incredibly creepy prelude-to-Eowells/Hartley that set the stage for many of my later works

My favorite fic I’ve written is…oh so many choices. The one I go back and reread most often is If You Wanna Fight (We Can Go All Night), which is playful smutty Coldwave—with an honorable mention to With Benefits, in which aro Len and ace Mick end up doing affection at cross purposes

My fluffiest fic is probably Day In, which is a Flashpiper domestic fluff interlude in the middle of a fairly angsty series—I can throw in rest-point fluff sometimes!

My funniest fic is, hands down, Floordrobe Malfunction, which is exactly what it sounds like: Lisa/Cisco/Hartley get caught in the middle of V-polyam shenanigans and end up switching clothes

My saddest fic is Worse When It’s Late, one of only two fics I went into the knowing they couldn’t have a happy ending. (The other is At All Costs, which is just about as bad)

A fic I almost didn’t post was Worse When It’s Late, just because it was so much darker than my usual fare. I’m proud of how it turned out but I was terrified of how people might react to it

The fic I most enjoyed writing is probably still Tam Len, because I loved the worldbuilding and the characters ended up taking on a life of their own, to the point that several plotty things just…resolved themselves in the end, entirely driven by the characters!

My favorite ship is…oh boy. I have loved so many ships in my time in this fandom. Coldwave maybe? What’s not to love about Coldwave—they’re queerplatonic partners in crime who would rather die than admit a Feeling. I adore them

My favorite femslash ship is probably something with Nora West-Allen? Nora/Spencer maybe…or Nora/Spencer/Joss—all of whom I wish I’d written more of (and had more plans for, before the muse forsook me!)

My favorite OT3 is Coldwestallen, because no matter which way you slice it somebody is getting ganged up on by two people who are too similar for anyone’s good, and the resulting dynamics are impeccable

My favorite non-romantic pairing is…well. If I wanted to rules-lawyer this, I’d say Coldwave, because the aro Len headcanon remains strong. However in the spirit of the question I’m gonna say Barry and his dads, both as they interact with each other and as they interact with Barry’s partners about him. There were a lot of meaty, messy dynamics there that I wish I had explored more (and that I had plans to, before the muse evaporated)

My favorite character to write is Leonard Snart, by a long shot. I vibe with his strange strange brain. He taught me so much in my time writing him. I still want to study him under a microscope. I’m going to hold onto him for a long time even if the hyperfixation is fading

My favorite neurodiversity fic (I love that this is a category, Soph) is Pride In The Little Things, with post-diagnosis feels. It’s rueful, because I think there’s often an element of that following a diagnosis, but it’s hopeful too

The fic I most clearly remember writing is Complication, a Coldflash-to-Coldwestallen fic that was meant to have more to it and got cut down for the sake of making a deadline. I’m pleased with how it turned out, but there’s another universe where it was a much messier slow burn

My favorite written-out-of-spite fic is Unplanned, in which I took out my frustrations with the ‘Mick’s head pregnancy’ plotline of Legends s6 (feat. supportive Gideon who understands what dysphoria is)

My most read fic is No Hero (No Less Loved), one of my older Coldflash fics—one I’m not overly attached to, in truth, but benefitted from being a popular pairing and having a lot of chapters to add to the hit count

My least read fic is Pride In The Little Things, my newest fic with a very rare pair indeed (Lita/Jerrie Rathaway, my and @blueelvewithwings lil ship). I didn’t expect it to get many hits at all, so seeing it with even this much interaction is surprising

The WIP I most regret not finishing is an unpublished sequel to Complication that would have built off the ideas I cut from the original fic, including appearances by Joe and Henry, and also explained why Len was so weird all throughout Complication. I hope to force myself through finishing it eventually!

My favorite gen fic is Found, a Rogues-as-family fic that was meant to set the stage for more in-depth stories that never happened. It still stands on its own pretty well though

My crackiest fic is Critical Fail, a ‘Team Flash plays D&D’ fic written at the behest of an IRL friend (who, to my knowledge, never ended up reading it—ah well, it was still fun!)

And a bonus holiday fic is By Candlelight, with Coldwestallen celebrating both a contemplative Hanukkah and a rowdy West family Christmas

I believe my co-conspirator @blueelvewithwings has already been tagged, but I’m also going to tag @a-redharlequin who has been my instigator, cheerleader, and also partner, who I wouldn’t have found without this fandom. I love y’all and I’m so happy to have spent three years plotting together!

[blackberrysummerblog]

hii <3

2, 21, 23, 29 and 78 for the ask game. sorry if they're too many ^^'

Thank you so much for the ask @imagineacoolerusername! I apologize for not responding sooner, because I’m really excited someone took me up on the ask game (and it’s never too many, I love thinking more about what/how I’m writing).

2) Where do you get your fic ideas?

I’m similar to a lot of people on this one—my ideas come from things that I see or hear around me. It goes hand in hand with the first question in the ask list, which is “do you daydream a lot before you write” and I am a *huge* daydreamer. I generally do get an idea of a full story realized quickly enough that I don’t spend a lot of time dreaming before I write (haha…she says after literal months of WIP posts from the same unpublished fic, lol). I daydream constantly about my hyperfixations though, and I just let my mind wander wherever it feels like. There are stories in my head I would never actually post because they’ve become OOC and self-indulgent to a comical degree, but I get pleasure out of thinking about them and so I let my thoughts drift there when they want to. I often get some good material that way for stories that I actually do want to share with people.

For my crucible marriage AU, the idea came from a throwaway line in Carry On about Watford having possibly started as a mages’ settlement: I started thinking about an AU where that was still the case, and there would still be the school but it would start for students at a younger age than in canon. Assuming the kids mostly went home in the evenings, the crucible wouldn’t need to assign roommates, and instead could do another job like…magickally determining one’s spouse. That was the thought process, and because I am *feral* for arranged marriage/married-at-first-sight stories, the fic has been living at the front, middle, and back of my brain ever since.

21) Do you prefer writing chaptered fics or one-shots?

I don’t have a strong preference; it just depends on what the story requires. I’ll know when I begin writing if a story is going to be long and plotty enough to require chapters; in this fandom I’ve done entirely one-shots because I’m leaning heavily on soft vibes without enough conflict to need more than one post to tell. The crucible marriage fic will definitely be chaptered, though

23) Is writing the beginning, middle, or end of the story easiest? Hardest?

It depends where it starts in my head, i.e. the part I’m trying to get to. If the idea starts off largely in middle of the story I want to tell, then I need to figure out a beginning that can segue into that. It’s usually not super hard, but then again, I mostly enjoy doing domestic-style fluff and cutesy flirting, so it’s not an enormous exercise to intro that. I’m having a harder time with the current AU’s beginning, especially since at this point I’ve dragged it all out so long that I want it to be just right. The hardest part for me is almost always the ending, by which I don’t mean how it all ends up, but the last sentence. I’m pretty weak with last lines, and the *absolute fucking worst* at titles. I think both feel like high-pressure, sum-your-precious-baby-up-in-very-few-words situations to me. I am flat out disgusted with myself for some of the titles I’ve gone with after throwing up my hands.

29) What’s something about your writing that you’re proud of?

I like my dialogue. I think it flows pretty well and is often cute or funny. And I think I do a decent job with shoehorning my contrived plot points in. The example I’m thinking of is the field trip fic I wrote (I can’t even bring myself to namecheck the title, did I mention how bad I am at them?) where the entire story basically hinged on getting Simon to have to sit on Baz’s lap on the bus. It was easy enough to assign them as seatmates, and spilling something on the seat is a good reason for Simon to not be able to use it, but because it’s a magickal universe there really shouldn’t have been any reason they couldn’t spell the seat dry. Magic had to have been disallowed on the bus, which let me write a nice little bit about how Simon had gotten it banned on an earlier trip (and also to reflect on how few field trips he’s even been on, awwww). Anyway, I thought it was funny and just about killed myself when Baz quipped “here comes the not-so-magic-school bus” to humiliate Simon in front of the class. Pretty much everything that happened after that was just as contrived, and I thought it was hilarious.

78) What motivates you during the writing process?

It’s a compulsion for the flesh to become word. I write even the stories that I would never post because they’re too dirty or too personal or too badly conceived to share, because once they’re described in words it provides a kind of release for me.

There’s a short story by William H. Gass called “In the Heart of the Heart of the Country” and I really recommend it for achingly real and emotive lines, but the one I’m thinking of is this, said of the narrator’s neighbor: “Nevertheless, I keep wondering whether, given time, I might not someday find a figure in our language which would serve him faithfully, and furnish his poverty and loneliness richly out.”

I want that when I write, to find words that will mean something to myself and someone else, that will hold a moment or experience up in the light in such a way that it’s viewed tenderly and with generosity.

Thanks again for asking; I hope my answers weren’t too long winded! If anyone else wants to play you can reblog this post:

[peppersonironi]

DUKE THOMAS ISN’T THE SANE ONE! A guide by Pepper

So, I have seen so many people writing Duke incorrectly, and I wanted to do something about it. In fanon, he is described as the sane bat, who would rather stay home and safe, and absolutely never join in shenanigans. Now, I know there are a lot of things wrong with canon, but Duke is one of the better parts! He is an interesting character who is actually just as chaotic as the rest of the gotham vigilantes. And so it it is quite unfair to his character to say he is the 'Arnold from the Magic Schoolbus' of the group. He's really not.

So I decided to make a list of ten instances in the comics where he disobeys Bruce, acts reckless, or is just a bat! (also for a Batfam Group Chat I’m a part of, someone asked for these) I hope this helps people understand his character better, and maybe even inspire them to write more about him? Seriously, Tag me if you do. I'm starved for good Duke content!

Feel free to add more in the comments, these are just what I could think of off the top of my head! (Hence the kinda weird order, sry)

1. He's a vigilante

Okay, so this is a bit obvious, but I still think it needs saying. You think that a guy who dresses in bright yellow and patrols the most crime-ridden city in the world during the day is 100% sane?

2. We Are Robin

Also obvious, but still. This guy joins a group of untrained teenage robins who just want to make a difference. And they do! It's still pretty reckless, though. 

3. He tried to take on the Riddler

In case you didn't know, in the beginning of New 52 (Zero year, specifically) the Riddler essentially held Gotham Hostage. He had some spiel about someone giving him a riddle he couldn't solve, and letting the city go. You know who decided he would be that person? Duke Thomas! He trained in brain-teasers, and puzzles, tirelessly worked. He became quite the adept riddler (not the villain). The kick? He was a child! (Look at the above panels, isn't he cute?) Duke was young, yet determined. And if that's not a bat quality, I don't know what is.

4. He escaped the cops by jumping off a bridge.

Oh no! Duke is in a police car! Oh no! He's on a bridge! What's he going to do?! Why, jump out and off the bridge while proclaiming "I am Robin" of course! Seriously, look at that panel and try to argue that he is the responsible goody-two-shoes of the family.

5. He talked down an enraged Damian

Basically, Damian was manipulated into joining the court of owls. Duke, who refused to believe that Robin genuinely joined them, fought him and talked him down. Now, this is Damian we're talking about. Sure, the kid is absolutely adorable and can be incredibly caring (Fight me on this, I dare you. Also, frick you DC), but when he's on a rampage, there is little that can stop him. So of course Duke decides to take care of it!

6. He actively tries to have a relationship with Damian.

Okay, so this one is a little weak, but I wanted an excuse to share those panels. Aren't those two great?! But seriously, Duke ignores that this tiny child could kill him in more ways than he could count, and even invites him to a movie! He also isn't afraid to tease the kid, unlike other members of the family. Knowing Damian can honestly be hard sometimes.

7. Comes back to the city when Bruce told him to get out.

During the I Am Bane arc of Tom King's Batman (I'm shuddering. So sorry for invoking his name!) Bruce tells the batboys to get out of Gotham and STAY out. the others are like 'we're not gonna listen, right?' and Duke is all 'you can't ignore BATMAN!' and walks off saying he's gonna listen to Bruce. This seems like pretty damning evidence, right? He's actually sane? The others got attacked by Bane and hung, but Duke didn't. Well, then you look at the next panel! (it takes place later in the volume) There he is, disobeying Bruce, and hanging out in Gotham. Not just that, he's out in costume! No, Duke couldn't just hunker down in an apartment, he had to go out and take down crooks, and warn Jim Gordon. I think that's pretty self-explanatory

8. Goes out while Injured

Those two panels are back-to-back in The Cursed Wheel (originally printed in All-Star Batman, later put into Batman and the Signal). As you can see, Bruce tells Duke to get rest. Duke was just attacked by Zsasz, and suffered multiple injuries. He wakes up, and the thing that would make the most sense would be for him to go to sleep, right? Well, he instead gets suited up and goes out to work on a case. Pretty much every bat has done this at some point. Not quite the smartest move, right? A touch reckless, wouldn’t you say?

9. That whole thing with Green Lantern

(sry for the weird sizing, I don’t have the comic to take screenshots) 

So there are two parts to this. First of, you have Green Lantern flying into the batcave, looking around, and there’s no Batman present. So what does Duke Do? Well, he certainly doesn’t stay back and contact Bruce! Nope, instead he attacks a member of the Justice League, a member of the Green Lantern Corp. Later on, you know what he says? He thought he would be fine because his suit is bright yellow. That’s it. A bit crazy, right?

Secondly, he gets roped into exploring the cave with Hal (I thinks it’s Hal, been a bit since I read this though). The Lantern has some thing going on about stuff in the cave, but that’s not important. What’s important is that Duke went along with it. He was curious enough to ignore what Bruce would say (Call him, yet anything remotely green out of the cave), and joins in! He does’t say “this is a bad idea” or “we shouldn’t be doing this” nope!

9. When he ran off with Cass to test his powers

Oh no, Duke got shadow powers! What’s he gonna go? Why, go off and have fun experiment of course! Duke and Cass head out to test and work on Duke’s newly presented abilities, and specifically don’t tell Bruce! This is information he would like to know, of course. It’s important to know if your newest protege gets more powers. But no, they go out of their way to sneakily test the extent of his powers. They get caught, of course, and then get chewed out (They get caught in costume, but the next panel they’re in civvies. I find that outrageously funny!). And here’s the kicker: they don’t really apologize! Sure, Duke gives a half-heart apology, but he doesn’t really mean it. Not even under the full extent of the Batglare™.

10. Rescuing Bruce with practically no training

I’ll skip all the plotty stuff, so just know that Bruce was out alone and in some deep doo-doo. Duke was back at the cave, working stuff out with Alfred. He realizes that what Bruce is doing is a trap. Now, just so you know, this is back when Duke was JUST taken in by Bruce. He doesn’t even have a codename yet! Barely any training. So you know what he does? He heads out anyway, and rescues Bruce. Now, check out that music he’s playing. Later on, it’s revealed to be Duke’s fave band. You know the name of that band? “Batman’s @^$&@” I’m not even joking. (I’m not sure what bleeped out, though later on it’s referred to as “Batman’s #$%” So I assume it’s ass?). So on top of being reckless, he plays a heavy metal band with a name that’s … special to say the least. He has guts, you gotta admit (Oh, and he seemed so gleeful when he told Bruce the name of the band!).

And there you have it! This list is far from complete, but I think it’s a good start. Feel free to reblog with your own, or any questions/comments! I absolutely love to talk about Duke, so don’’t be afraid to message me! Also, correct me if I wrote anything incorrect here. It’s been a while since I’ve read some of these, so I may have gotten some stuff wrong.

[beggingwolf]

hi so I've just eaten too much ice cream, feel vaguely ill, and I'm here to tell you All About How I Failed At Outlining for SGKF this year!

that's partially just a fun tagline, but it's also a bit true. I told my friends I'd be trying to use several different outlining methods to try and knock out a plotty piece for the fest, and things did not go to plan!

important to begin with: I am what is referred to as a "pantser." I tend to just start writing. this is strangely contradictory to my personality, which deeply loves plans. unfortunately, what often happens is plans and outlines ruin my excitement and drive while working on a project (it tricks me into thinking I've done all the work and resolved the plot), leading me to abandon it.

and though I can throw together pretty words and made a decent fic, my fics never turned out as good as they could have been. I kept telling myself that if I planned in advanced and worked out what I was doing BEFORE I did it, I'd be able to craft a fic with such care and attention as to make it really SHINE.

so, uh, kinkfest rolls around, and since I was a mod I could see all the prompts before they even got released to the public, so I basically had a WHOLE EXTRA two-ish weeks to start planning and writing.

did I? NO.

so, despite the fact that I collect writing advice like a magpie , I'm not the greatest at implementing it. if you go into my SGKF google folder, you'll find a few instances of me TRYING to implement writing advice like metawriting:

(and you'll see some fics that didn't get finished/make it into the fest!)

my issue was (and still is) that I think I value every little word too much. this is a bad thing: I'm an overwriter by nature. when I get words down, I want to keep them because I feel like I worked hard for them, even if they're not great or don't actually serve the story in the way they should. that's not to say all my metawriting was bad; it wasn't. I tried it out for A Drowning in California as well [which will henceforth just be referred to as "California").

I had a whole subfolder for California. what kind of amazed me is how different my initial notes for the prompt are from what the story actually ended up being. here, take a look:

literally almost none of this is in california. the WWE and UFC stuff made it in, and so did sid wrestling with horny, but that was it. I was going to start this fic in the locker room, with sid wrestling someone, and it was seriously going to be a story about sex—about sid wanting to hold geno down in bed. that was the premise.

and instead, we got a really emotional story about familial rejection and the isolation it can make people feel. SO! something happened along the way, right?

when I started getting into the plot that would support this supposed sexfest, this is where I went at first:

geno wants the relationship to get serious, sid is like mentally still a 12 year old who just wants to wrestle people and doesn't want to talk about his emotions, and prefers to use physicality to communicate. this doesn't work for geno, who wants ... more

we can start to see the actual emotions come through, the things I was interested in: sid using touch to talk, and geno desperately wanting more

what did the most good for me, in the end, was "doing" the metawriting by talking with my friends.

I told them what i thought this story was about ("I'm thinking about making this a story about relationship-defining, maybe? and the communication needed for a lasting adult relationship? I think I'm going to set it in california/LA, where Sid has invited Geno along for the first time for his California Summer Fun/Training/Escape, whatever, and Geno's going to be emotionally preoccupied with Defining The Relationship—maybe they've been on-again-off-again? maybe they're just new to this, like almost a year deep, and they're not getting younger—and thinking this trip is about that [or hoping this trip is about that, and realizing it isn't, and being disappointed].") and they told me what jumped out at them.

Jes told me what would ramp up the tension would be a deadline of some sort; "Geno’s going to break up with Sid or make some decision or something, or there’s something approaching where they have to make a will they or won’t they decision of some kind related to the core ‘defining the relationship’ issue. Geno’s going back to russia and in previous summers they’ve always slept with other people while apart? or Sid has a wedding coming up and he’s offhandedly mentioned taking someone else as his plus one?"

I liked her thoughts. it made sense to add an external pressure to all this, and that wedding idea stuck out to me the most.

Lis said I should add a jealousy angle, so you can largely credit her for the club scene: "one thing i like to sort of headcanon/imply about sid's california trips is he uses them to hook up anonymously. so you could have, like, sid and geno seeing sid's friends, but also accidentally running into some of sid's friends. and geno's like oh, great, so here i am doing this horrible summertime training that i hate because i don't need to train in the offseason actually, and i'm learning what exactly sid gets up to when we're apart."

My magical solution these days is GOING FOR WALKS. do it if you're able. it clears out your brain. so on my walks I ended up deciding that I wanted a taylor crosby wedding. I like taylor as a character, and as a person with sisters I just like writing her in. best of all, she and sid are close and I like writing "I'd do anything for my family" sid.

and then I was like. oh. what if it's not that sid is afraid/nervous to bring geno, it's that he can't.

I... wasn't as conflicted as I thought I'd be about writing sid's parents as homophobic. I prefer to write them as supportive; I think troy crosby's been eviscerated more than he should have been in older fanworks, and though I respect their right to make fictional!troy whatever they want, I've been a little skeptical of outlandish takes on him ("he doesn't say I love you to his son because a camera caught them mid-interaction once!") ever since I read how the media has found him a convenient narrative villain while he tried to keep his underage son safe from the media as a child and while they needed to cook up Spicy Stories about squeaky-clean sid.

uh, tangent aside, I always thought I'd never write a "parents are the villains" story, but I did here. it felt right. it was easier, too, because they're not PRESENT in the story. I didn't have to write trina actually being horrible to her son. I just had to skirt the edges of the wound.

which works well on two fronts: I don't have to actively write the crosbys being horrible to sid, and I also leave more to the imagination of the reader, and that almost never fails to make the work better. whatever the reader imagines them saying to sid, it's going to be 10x more hurtful than anything I'd write.

I dug really deep on some personal emotions and fears I experience as a gay person for a lot of sid's arc here. sid is deeply imperfect in this story, and he's internalizing his pain and the horrible thing that's happened to him, which is making him pull away from his partner, and sid is not responding how geno wants, nor is he responding well, period, though he's trying in his own wounded, stilted way.

and beloved geno, whose tender heart is so hidden away for fear of someone hurting it. I really like writing geno; he's huffy and emotional and sometimes bitchy and feels things SO deeply.

once I had more of an idea, I was already working on a more detailed outline. this is where I seriously took Jes's advice and WROTE EVERYTHING OUT! it made it so much less daunting, because I didn't have to be figuring out my next steps AND crafting sentences at the same time. also this is where I tell you that the title of this post is mostly a lie, it was metawriting I failed at.

This outline also meant I avoided writing large swaths of things that should've been cut. Another beta told me I should delete three scenes and condense a bunch of emotions into the club scene, and she was SO right. Cutting events out of an outline is WAY easier than cutting out pages of text.

Ironically my outline kind of deteriorated after the club scene, but that's alright: after I wrote the club scene, I actually had a clear vision of what I wanted the end to be. I just had to trust myself. I CAN do this, I CAN still just write intuitively sometimes!

I think California did what I wanted it to do. I'd love to try something out that's longer and has more story arcs in it (jes has a post for that too!) but I think that's best saved for another, longer project, though 18k isn't short.

next up is maggie stief's writing seminar that I bought a month back. I'm going to start working on that this month and see how I like it. I have a few halloween fic ideas, plus spookfest, so these next two months we should be cooking in the kitchen!

[maryellencarter]

anyway so I've been rewatching sg-1 again, picking up where i left off a few years back. neither of us had a hammond voice ready to hand for that stargate fusion we've been posting, so i rewatched "message in a bottle" (figuring that since it was a bottle show it would have a good modicum of hammond, which it did), and then i was like "i forgot how much i love this show" and started going again. so i have some brief notes / thoughts.

* serpent's song: s2 ep18, the one where apophis dies (mostly). the big plotty goa'uld-y episodes usually bore me, but this one was pretty well done. the apophis actor is really good. (i cannot seem to remember his name, because it's something like peter williams and my brain autofills peter wingfield, whom he is definitely not.)

* one false step: that one with the naked androgynous humanoids in white body paint, with the infrasound stuff and the yodeling. this was one of the very early ones i saw by chance, so i don't actually have much of an opinion on it, other than that sure was an episode of sg-1 that exists.

* show and tell: the one with the reetou, the invisible insectoid race. there are a lot of episodes where some kid bonds with jack, because rda is one of those rare actors who are absolutely delighted to be handed a scene with a kid or a dog in it. these eps usually live or die by the quality of the child actor. this one was no great shakes.

* 1969: a classic episode for a reason and a motherfucking delight. launched a thousand time-travel stories. the actor who plays baby hammond, except for his eyes being brown and him being a little taller i would still swear they actually went back in time and got a young don s davis to play himself. also teal'c in disguise and just everything. except possibly daniel's german accent. i'm not sure if it was specifically regional (my own german accent is heavily austrian, my portugese accent is from sao paulo, it's a thing) or just very bad. but everything else.

* out of mind: sg-1 was commissioned for four seasons at once, so they had the luxury of doing those cliffhanger season endings without getting cancelled on them. this one is mostly a clip show. and it brings back hathor, whom nobody really missed. good cliffhanger though.

* into the fire: s3 opener. much badass, very wow. jack gets goa'ulded, hammond gets to be teal'c's gunner, everything is epic.

* seth: in which sg-1 infiltrates a cult led by stargate's version of set. lots of uncomfortable (for me) thematic stuff about You Should Reconnect With Family. didn't enjoy it.

* fair game: the one where those three goa'uld system lords come to earth for treaty talks with the asgard, and there was that one promo photo that definitely looked like a pitch for a wacky sitcom.

* legacy: fucking ma'chello. even dead, he can't stop causing trouble. this is the one where daniel is Temporarily Schizophrenic Because Of Reasons and we have the evergreen trope of the Psychiatrist You Want To Punch. :P

* learning curve: another one where jack makes friends with an alien kid. felt like it ran way too long and nobody actually asked questions to understand the situation, but the heartwarming ending did stick the landing.

* point of view: the quantum mirror one where we establish that you can't have two of the same person alive in the same parallel reality or the secondary one will start to die of extremely '90s cgi. also one of the ones that really started to push the sam/jack. (i have complicated feelings about sam/jack. some other time.)

* dead man switch: the one where an annoying alien bounty hunter captures sg-1 and tries to make them do things. notable mainly for establishing the phrase "pain in the mik'ta". (Jack: "Neck?" Teal'c: "No.")

* demons: really fucking obnoxious episode that tried to have villagers whose culture came from medieval england believe the sg-1 team were demons. like, i can understand having an axe to grind against christianity, but this was just fucking stage christianity tropes, the fat corrupt churchman with the ring and the skinny good friar in a ratty robe, and a lot of blithering about demons and not even getting the damn St Michael prayer remotely right. Also the writer seemed to think trepanning would always kill the subject, and had *Daniel* of all fucking people be the mouthpiece for that one, when Daniel should know better than anyone that trepanning has been a valid medical procedure for millennia! (Also who the hell tries to treat chicken pox with trepanning I swear to god. This was a bad episode and it should feel bad.)

* rules of engagement: didn't remember this one at all. in which apophis had set up a mock sg team boot camp for his soldiers to practice infiltrating the sgc. no strong feelings.

* forever in a day: the one where sha're dies. actually very well done, but i'm glad i checked the summary or all the out of order stuff would have confused me a lot. sets up the search for the harcesis child, or however you spell that, the captions are not reliable because they appear to believe in the word "asguard" as opposed to "asgard".

* past and present: you know, i wouldn't have said the return of linnea would interest me at all, but it was actually very well done. wrapped up nicely.

* jolinar's memories / the devil you know: a two-parter i definitely didn't remember, in which everybody is good under torture, we seem to have taken care of sokar for the moment, and apophis returns, now with a phantom of the opera mask.

* foothold: never got to see this one before. wanted to. it's good. the sgc gets taken over by aliens impersonating all their people except sam and teal'c. badassery ensues. also maybourne gets to be a halfway decent guy for a flickering second.

and that is as far as i have gotten! season three is being kind of boring. seasons four and five have many more of the episodes I'm looking forward to.

[honeyctzen]

scarred leash (prologue) - m.l

IMPORTANT: This is the prologue for my newest fanfiction and is an introductory to the main character and the themes of this story. It involves sex, bdsm, self harm and themes relating to that matter. It will also not just be sex, but have an actual story and characters falling in love. If any of this is not for you, my other works are much lighter and less “plotty”. I really hope this excites you for the rest of the story, I am very much proud of it. Thank you! - Maisie ♡

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

I was sixteen when I chose to leave home without even whispering a word to anyone. Sixteen when I decided I had to go out alone into the world, to make my own way with the little experience I had gathered so far. It took a long time to map out my plan, endless days that turned into sleepless nights. I spent most of my last teenage years memorising a singular night, a night that would lead me into the next stage of my life.

My dusty countryside town was a few hours from the monumental London. I thought about the city all hours of the day, the faraway land that was London. The idea of even stepping foot in it was weird and foreign and still, it was the only place I ever wanted to go. I’d lived in one place for my entire life and rarely ever left the town, in fact I’d only left it a few times. All because of hospital trips. The idea of living away from that place was terrifying and yet, completely exhilarating. Given that back then, I’d been pretty naive to how the world works as I’d never been told of it. I wanted a nice house, nice job, maybe I would meet a nice person and we would have a nice relationship. I had come to learn as my research into London and life in general continued that it wouldn’t be that simple. Everything was complicated. If you wanted a place to live, there was several thousand procedures you had to endure. If you wanted a job, you had to have a thousand different qualifications. I thought after realising all this that my hopes of leaving were over, that was when I had begun thoroughly planning.

Through school and college I was able to obtain the qualifications I needed to move away and work in business. I knew I would have to work for a few years before I gained any sort of fulfilling job, but I had endured years of education, I understood patience. Through research I had found a small flat that I would be able to pay for with money I’d saved over the years and earnings from a job I would later procure. Life would still be difficult, I knew this. I was a young, inexperienced girl moving out to a tumultuous city, it would be dangerous. Though I had concluded long ago that dying in this new fantastical place was far better than peddling on back home, where I would die unknown, just another body in the wet dirt underneath the town church.

I knew by leaving that I was inflicting an unimaginable amount of pain upon my mother, who was as neurotic as she was suffocating. Though I understood she didn’t mean to be, I couldn’t bring myself to feel sympathy for her. My father ran, as did my older brother, leaving me and my ailing grandmother the only people she had left. I wasn’t old enough to understand why my father had just abandoned us but once I grew enough to comprehend love, pain, divorce, I got it. This town was the entire world for my mother but as I got older, she realised it wouldn’t be for me. Instead it would be a restraint.

The first time I recall my mother knowing I would be difficult is when I was eleven. I developed much quicker than most children my own age, breasts already sprouting on my chest, hair spreading over my body. There was a huge wave of name calling, little jabs at my appearance, and while I tried to ignore it, eventually it burrowed beneath my skin. That was the same year I cut myself for the first time. My fingers coiled around a pair of scissors, pressing the metal over the flesh of my arm until a litter of red scratches appeared over the pale skin. Back then, it was just a punishment, a way of controlling myself from completely losing my mind. I stopped it for a while. In natures due course, the other girls grew into their bodies and I was planted back into an unremarkable place among my peers. There was no bullying and so, I forgot about cutting myself for a couple years.

While I had physically matured much quicker than others my age, mentally, it seemed I had been halted somewhere. There appeared no reason for it but the things that my schoolmates were interested in disgusted me. When a friend first showed me porn, I remember feeling vomit rise up in my throat. A woman, bundled up with rope, a muscled, balding man arched over her. The blood curling shrieks that filled the room felt torturous. I couldn’t understand how people liked this, how they liked it enough to pleasure themselves to it. I suppose that was when my fascination with sex begun. Initially, it was hatred, a complete abhorrence for the thing, a vexation that appeared randomly and intensely. If a classmate would mention it, or describe any sort of sexual act, I felt ill. My stomach twisting uncomfortably as the boys all called out derogatory names for the women they had seen in the films and then once again, I grew to hate my body.

I was fifteen the next time I cut myself. It was much more deliberate, much more intense. I had swapped out the dull scissors, for a pocket knife a friend had gifted me. It was able to bury itself much deeper than before and immediately, with the first slice, a tsunami of relief rolled over me. Though, it was a different kind of relief than it had been those years before. I found myself thinking back to the woman I had seen in the porn, the intricate ropes that clasped themselves over her limbs, the pained screams that passed her lips. The man leaning over her figure, how his fingers gripped the flesh of her waist, how he bevelled his teeth down onto her neck until it bled. I found myself recalling each detail of the images I had seen so long ago, and I found myself cutting down into the flesh as the memories scurried across my brain.

I felt guilty afterward, an awful guilt that followed me around for weeks. But then, a boy would mention shapes they had seen in porn and suddenly, I would feel the urge to damage myself again. It spiralled quickly. So quickly that I, myself, was shocked. Instead of recalling images I had seen, I created my own imaginations. Blurred, colourless visions of violence, and sex dulling into one, all as I pulled a knife against my own skin. It continued for months, months of fantasies and cutting and by the time my sixteenth birthday hurdled toward me, I had a plethora of thick scars covering my arms and legs. Though that didn’t faze me when finally, three years after all my friends, my mother bought me a cell phone.  

She would scour over the phone from time to time, checking my messages, calls, emails, and all other forms of communication. Yet, of all the applications on the phone, my mother was the most ignorant to the internet. She didn’t understand the concept of it, let alone know it was built into the mobile and so, I was able to roam free for the first time. And I roamed. My inexperience meant I didn’t know what sites to go to, nor did I know which keywords to search. The titles of the videos that came up almost seemed to be in a foreign language but after a couple of trips to the websites, I gathered the premise of each category. After locking myself in the bathroom, I would go to the sites and type in words such as bondage, submissive, sadism, pain and the things I liked would appear. Though I now understood how people looked at porn, I still didn’t understand why they touched themselves to it. Merely pushing a blade into my leg as I watched seemed to be enough. I wasn’t sure if it was sexual for me, or if it was a punishment thing as it had been when I was younger.

My understanding of my own sexuality went little further than this and my adventures on the websites dwindled until they stopped. It had grown to stop making me feel any better, and so I began inflicting more serious physical harm upon myself. The hospital visits followed soon after, as did my mother’s rantings about how unhealthy that stuff all was for me. For once, she paid attention to me. It almost felt nice, deserved. But I couldn’t hold it for long, as quite abruptly, my grandmothers health began to decline. She died a while after growing sick, and the absence of her in the house made my mother somehow more insufferable. And though we lived in the same house, it was almost as if we were separated by an unseen barrier.

I didn’t completely mind, it gave me enough solitude to go about my planning. Endless research into where I could live in London, what jobs I could obtain with the qualifications I would acquire after leaving sixth form. It took a while to find what would suit me right but after I finally latched onto it, my future suddenly felt full, meaningful almost. I now had something to look forward to, something to work toward. So, I studied harder, concentrated on the daydreams of my new life away from the idle cottage town. My grandmother had left some money to both me and my mother, more to me. I insisted I was able to tend to my own finances and after long bouts of pleading, my mother agreed. I had money, two months left at sixth form and then I could leave.

Time blurs together, memories jumbling, I can barely remember the last few months back home. But what I do recall vividly, is the night I left. I had booked train tickets the week prior and planned to stay in a hotel while I found somewhere to live. I needed to be close to the central city, I knew that much, though, not much else. I’d found a job interview for admin staff at a stockbroking company. My business a level came in handy, and my odd passion for calculations and numbers did too. If I could just get this job, if I could get that flat, I could make it.

I chose to leave during the night, climbing from my bedroom window, scuttling across the streets like a fragile hedgehog. I’d never even snuck from my house once before and the first time I was, I was doing so knowing that I would never come back. With every step I took I thought I would be caught and hauled back home by my hair. Each step further from the slanted bungalow made my heart beat a little faster until, gradually my pulse slowed, and the gentle pitter of my feet grew to calm myself. Though I didn’t feel completely secure until I passed the welcome sign to the town. But once I did, I felt a weight pulled from my stomach. A sudden notion that I had done it, I had gotten away like my father and brother did years ago, like my grandmother had in death. I was now free to do everything I had lost the chance to do through my mother’s coddling. I could drink, do drugs, have sex with an endless stream of people, work. I found myself grinning as I wandered further from town, the dishevelled map directing me toward the train station. The smile pulling at my lips until I worried they would rip. And it only widened when I spotted the station, when I saw my train, when I boarded, when the train began to drift from the docile place I had called home.

I knew that now, I was reborn, I was my own person. It had taken three years to map everything, to prepare myself for life away from the secure blanket I had been smothered with all my life. But now, it had all come to fruit. I dreamt of London on the train, my head pressed against the window, my scarred legs trembling with the thought of all the things that I could do. My chest thick, and heavy with excitement.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

London was everything I had imagined and so much more. It was larger than anything I had ever seen back home, with each building bigger than the next and thousands of vehicles filling the roads. As the train eventually rolled into the city, my eyes clasped over each detail that began to emerge. The differences of the people that wandered the streets, the warmth in the chatter that clambered through the train windows. Everything was so different, so good. I found myself smiling away as I watched from my place in the tube container, my toothy grin shining back at me in the reflection. I was finally there, finally apart of everything I had read about.

Walking the streets was even better, even more real. My feet paced the same tempo as everyone else, my body dipping between the mounds of crowd as I ambled through the roads, glancing down at the map I had printed back in my murky home. The directions were confusing, each street twisting awkwardly to the next and what should have been a five-minute walk turned into two hours of working out where I was. Though eventually, after consulting several locals, I found my way to the flat I had seen in the ad weeks ago. It was in what my mother would have called a ‘ghetto area’ but it was still much larger and greater than the street I had lived on all my life. It looked a normal house though split into three different flats, with a garden leading up to the two doors and ivy climbing up the sides of the home. I’d felt nervous to knock, I wasn’t particularly sure why. Perhaps because the person to answer could have been my future roommate but now, thinking back, I shouldn’t have been.

The person that had answered was taller than me, her gangling arms hanging low, one raised to her mouth as she nursed a cigarette. She was beautiful in an odd way, striking, her nose large and hooked, hair shorted and burnt from styling. She smiled widely when she spotted my obviously anxious face, her voice pouring out in its deepness.

‘The tenant?’ She mumbled through puffs of the intensely clouded cigarette.

‘Um, yeah.’

‘Cool, cool, yeah, sorry, come in.’ Her accent was prominent, thick and harsh but calming all at once. I smiled as I stepped into the flat, the stairs immediate at the entry. I stood beside my single suitcase, my backpack still on my shoulders, her gaze dancing across them before she turned away. She climbed them ahead of me, her feet clattering against the wooden steps and I trailed behind, eyes clinging to each detail of the walls. I wanted to take in as much as I possibly could, I wanted this to be my home, my sanctuary.

Once we stood in the depth of the flat, the girl began to speak again, pulling the cigarette from her mouth for a moment. Throwing her body onto the dusty sofa and awaiting me to sit beside her. I allowed the bag to drop to the floor, my feet pushing it further from me. My lanky limbs folded in on themselves as I perched on the seat, features impossibly too bright for the dullness of the flat.

‘You’re eighteen?’

‘Nineteen.’ I corrected abruptly.

‘Okay, you just have to be eighteen to rent, but that’s fine then,’ she said, inhaling from the stick before releasing the dense cloud into the room, ‘so, um, this is it.’

‘Um, what’s your name?’ I ask quietly.

‘Oh, shit, sorry, I’m Rose, and you?’

‘Ellie.’ I mumbled.

‘Are you the owner?’

She snickered, ‘Uh, no, my uncle is so I get a discount, barely, but, it helps. Um, he doesn’t really care who moves in but I, I do, I live here, so.’

‘Yeah,’

‘You’re not from here?’ She asked, finally pushing the cigarette into the ash tray that sat near her. The smell still strong but dissipating enough for me to open my mouth to speak.

‘No, I um, actually moved here today.’

‘Shit.’

‘Yeah, um, so, I’m new to this.’

‘Where you from?’

‘A little town just outside Sheffield, I, um, hated it, figured it was time to get away.’ I explained as briefly as I could, my fingers instinctively pulling on my sleeves whilst I spoke of home.

‘For a bit or are you staying here long term?’ She questioned, eyes flitting once more over the lack of things I had brought with me. It hadn’t been that I had forgot much, I hadn’t owned many things back home, not things that warranted bringing anyway.

‘Long term.’ I answered immediately.

‘And you’re gonna work here?’

‘Hopefully,’ I chuckled, ‘I have a job interview tomorrow, so, I um, I’d find work anyway, so I could pay, but,’

‘Cool, so, you want to move in then?’ She proposed, her voice soft, speaking the question as though it held no merit. My stomach churned, lips parting in another goofy smile, head nodding vigorously.

[aelaer]

Sigghhhh.

Brain has been uncooperative.

I've been trying to get the prompts I have in my ask inbox done so I can have something small, but completed. Almost all of them spiraled into mini stories instead of NICE and SHORT little SNIPPETS. Little whumpy nonsense prompts just went BUT HOW ABOUT A PLOT TO EXPLAIN WHY IT HAPPENED.

And on the three plotty multi-chapter fics I do want to get going, brain is silent.

I'll try to get just... a couple hundred words out a day or something. Eventually something will finish itself. Eventually.

[supersleepygoat]

Can you pleasssssse recommend some good spn authors I feel like your the only one ik

hahah you’re a kind liar but Oh HELL NO! I am the shittiest writer out there. SO MANY people do it way better than I do! So, where do I start?? The fairest way to go about this is alphabetical... so bear with me.

@cherry3point14 

My go to for anytime I want some crack that will make me smile. The Reader’s internal dialogue is so damn funny, at times I actually have to put my phone down, because it is so real. The Reader’s voice is always so clearly defined and the characterization of that made-up person is some of the best I've read. 

@crispychrissy  

Literally everything she writes is magical. Her attention to detail/lore is NEXT LEVEL. She doesn't just mimic the SPN universe... she creates a whole damn world of her own. She brings in lore that I bet the actual SPN writers don’t even know about. That said.... if you are looking for a real good time... go check out “The Perfect Storm”... do it... I know you want to. 

@holylulusworld 

ANGST.... so much angst... so much sweet sweet angst! Anytime I want to feel some feelings and make myself cry... I turn to this expansive masterlist! She turns out fics at a rate that puts us all to shame. From what I read, we have a mutual fascination with asshole!dean. 

@jay-and-dean

I am currently losing my mind over “Captive”... I’m not done it yet, so no spoilers! but hot damn!!! I don’t know why I love it so much when Dean is mean... but I do. and, it’s even better when you know that meanness is rooted in his own insecurities and fear. She writes Dean so well! I can hear him the story. 

@luci-in-trenchcoats

Do I even need to say anything? Everyone knows she is the mother fucking jam. Ya’ll know I don’t normally like fluff. but I never get sick of the happiness I find on this masterlist. I am currently about to start reading “The Girl Next Door” I don’t even have to start it yet to know it’s going to be awesome. 

@pink1031

Reader incest. READER INCEST. ReAdEr InCeSt. *grabby hands* Seriously though.... her stories are so much more than smutty goodness. They are well written, plotty, wordy, and fully developed masterpieces. “The Rift” is the standard of fic I can only hope to hold myself to. Truth. 

@sherrybaby14

Adding this chick to one of my rec lists is a MUST. All the dark and thought-out plots on her masterlist fuels my cold dead heart and the nasty smut feeds my masochistic soul. Not only does she have beautiful Sam, Dean, and John noncon.... but there’s also a Ketch fic that I didn't even know I needed until I read it. I don't even care that it’s on permanent hiatus. I reread it all the time. Also, she’s so freaking good I even read her marvel fics even though that’s not normally my thing

@thecleverdame 

Well.... let me tell you. A few nights ago, I read “The Illusion of Choice”... and let’s just say I went to bed a very happy girl. Anytime I find a Sam writer who goes for the grit, the smut, the angst, (and even some fluff)… I lose my shit. Her AUs are something to admire! Her characterizations of Sam always have some grit and I eat up every word! 

@waywardrose13  

Actual angst perfection. Period. End of story. Look no further to have your guts ripped out and your heart stomped on. Also... “Mind Over Matter�� (with the angsty end 😈) has EVERYTHING. Go read it. Right Now. Go.

There are like a dozen more people I could/should add.... and if I had more brain power I would. But, it’s been a long day and I'm sleepy. I know I am forgetting some major/minor players who deserve a shout out too... but I is so sleepy. Ask me again in a few days I’ll have more to say. 

xo

[johnlockficclub]

Awkward as Arse

Well, we’ve started The Bells Of King’s College by @silentauroriamthereal, and as expected it is an immediate hit. We had a great time discussing both the plotty sides to this first chapter as well as the relationship side.

@Mazz06tea6 broke into the chat straight out of the gates with the comment that was on all of our minds “shame there was more than one bed.” We just want these two boys to GET IT TOGETHER ALREADY, and it’s only just beginning.

We are all getting used to the OCs, it seems this is a lot plottier than most of us are used to, but we’re loving it.

“I find it makes a bit of my brain creak into action that isn't usually needed for fanfic, taking note of the characters, and not already knowing what they're likely to be for.and to make it a more legit whodunnit” @Mazz06tea6

“They are all great so far, but I get all wait, who is this” @almosttomorocco

We love John’s internal monologue here, we just want something out of Sherlock

“It makes me wonder a lot about what Sherlock is thinking when John thinks he's messed up because sherlock give him a look” @hpswl-cumbercookie

“It really is. Like Sherlock is constantly on "love john, make john happy, i don't deserve him" mode and it fucking HURTS” @inevitably-johnlocked

THE OATMEAL JUMPER!!!

There wasn’t much for quotes in regards to the jumper discourse because it was entirely unintelligible screams and keyboard smashes. As @inevitably-johnlocked so elegantly put it “AHHH THE JmOER, SADFA  JUMPER, goddamit��

The slow burn is going to be the death of us all, like . . . WE JUST NEED THEM TO COMMUNICATE!!

“But like, they won’t be doing any moves until chapter 5, I feel like.” @travellingwithoutthedoctor

“Because John needs to do head-out-of-arse surgery.  That takes time.” @Jadztone

JUST.... TALK ALREADY. PEAS. @inevitably-johnlocked

“There is no way they just TALK about FEELINGS and stuff without one of them being half-dead or sth.” @srebrnafh

“sherlock really should just grab john and tell him how things are, he must be aware that john just doesn't see things unless you shove them in his face” @vitruviesque

The thirsting of that bathroom scene had everyone in love

“THE BATHROOM SCENE. *TURNS INTO ONE OF THOSE WACKY ARM INFLATABLE THINGS *” @almosttomorocco

“he wanted Sherlock to come in and feel him up and actually invited him in...oops!” @Jadztone

“JEEZ MIRROR EYE CONTACT” @benzedrine-calmstheitch

The jealousy and cluelessness from both boys is killer

“jealous sherlock is a gift from god” @vitruviesque

"Wow, Sherlock, you've got this thing nailed! I wouldn't have thought of being jealous when I looked like I was flirting with the waitress, but you are on the ball!" @Mazz06tea6

“John is such a jealous trash bin”

“WHY 👏 ARE 👏 THEY 👏  SO 👏  STUPID 👏” @inevitably-johnlocked

Marjorie needing her reading glasses to see faraway screens seemed extremely suspect, and her gay best friend comment was a big step off a short pier.

“so seeing it as a detective story, someone saying they need reading glasses to see what's on a screen at a distance seems suspect as fuck.” @Mazz06tea6

WE REQUIRE GAY SPA SERVICES!!!!!

“TWO GUYS CHILLING IN A HOT TUB 5 FEET APART CUZ THEY'RE NOT GAY - BUT THEN REALLY CLOSE CUZ THEY ARE GAY” @hpwl-cumbercookie

“hot and sweaty?!?!” @melsesowieso

“LETS GET IN SOME HOT WATER BOYS” @benzedrine-calmstheitch

This did spark some decidedly angsty discourse in regards to Sherlock’s scars, both from Serbia and from getting shot.

“John being all soft and kinds sorry for what sherlock went through to safe him is my TEA!” @melsesowieso I think that’s everyone’s tea dear.

And pretty much everyone who has read this before is rubbing it in with their beforehand knowledge of the fingerprint clue.

“Oooooo that is def a clue but i won't write any spoilers here but i know what that is.” @vitruviesque

The rest of us though were tossing ideas of whose print it might be. First thoughts were Mary or Moriarty, but then @Mazz06tea6 gave us quite the hint “and it's a nod back to The Norwood Builder, where a crucial clue is that a thumb print was planted by the baddie to frame an innocent man” Leading us to believe that the print is John’s or Sherlock’s, btu we will have to read on to find out.

Some quotes were just too good to not be remembered

“And this is going back, BUT SHERLOCK TALKING ABOUT JOHN HOTSON'S MOAR TAILORED CLOTHES” @almosttomorocco

“Put that pretty mouth to use Sherlock!!” @hpswl-cumbercookie

Thanks everyone for joining us! We’ll see you next Sunday 2/10 for chapter 2!