#bsd ch 14

[kyouka-supremacy]

Me when siblings share the same habits and mannerisms

[blackwaves]

reading into irl ichiyo higuchi and dwelling on the statement that ichiyo was bound by the structure of acceptable writing for female writers at the time — having to recreate a performance of feminity which contradicted and moved around the actual way women spoke, & which notably did not come naturally to her — but managed to make it her own + express assertiveness within it nonetheless.

anyway this is all just to say that i'm so fond of the bsd higuchi-centric chapter which says she's not naturally suited the port mafia, but that she stays and tries anyway. the way she gains respect via throwing herself into a fight she expects to lose from the motivation of her love/loyalty for akutagawa. thinking primarily of ch.77 where tachihara's suitability to the mafia is defined in his recklessness, passion, and bravery— there is something to me there about how she makes those traits her own.

[minugasakuranohana]

Mori's appearance in this chapter is mostly not about Higuchi. Because it's really the first time when we see him. Chapter 14, «An Unsuitable Occupation for Her».

Harukawa did her best to hide all details. He doesn't even wear his usual mafia-boss clothes. His clothes look like another coat (I don't see collar), and where's his red scarf, and what about the white thing like the one Aku wears? He didn't appear in any of the memories abt pm before ch 14, I checked. But in the next, 15th chapter we see him "for the first time", but authors didn't want us to realize who is he. And in chapter 15 Harukawa doesn't show the picture of Elise.

I think, Higuchi interacts with Mori really often. In one omake she said that boss is the direct superior of her squad (Aku is her own senpai, but she's his right hand). She can object to his words (it's just a detail. She always has her point of view, but sometimes it's incorrect. Ch 14, 41). She can disobey the orders (okay, he planned it in ch 14). She is the one he chose to help him in cannibalism arc, ch 46 (okay, there are also her subordinates in the background probably)

Another point — Mori knows her enough for this dialogue (ch 14). A bit of praise, asking the right question and now she is already motivated to look for the answer and make decisions on her own. He wanted to keep safe both mafia and Aku, so he made sure that she would save him without delay. Something alike happened in Dark Era, when Oda saved Ango.

And he know about her reputation. Subordinates respects Aku because of the strength, not her. It was her time to shine — Higuchi literally has low-key Chuuya' vibes – she's loyal and brave. The scene where Hirotsu and Tachihara tried to stop her looks like the moment from the Dead Apple, look!

Higuchi is strong. Maybe she doesn't use ability. She is weaker than many persons who fight without abilities. Sometimes she's silly, but who doesn't? The one thing that matters — she doesn't give up even when she's scared, even when there's no one by her side. That strong spirit and will! Mori would be impressed.

Even in bsd Higuchi is still a gem for Mori. He cares about her. This girl is a valuable asset and he's encouraging her development.

I like the way Black Lizard chose to follow her — yeah, we're mafia; yeah, our boss didn't order us to attack those who kidnapped Akutagawa, but... we can kill anyone we don't know!

After this incident Mori would probably be like: «oh, they killed your people? I'm so sorry, my idiots can't follow orders from time to time... You need compensation? But I still don't know who it was. I don't even sure it was my people... I didn't order it, I swear.»

Also, this time possible reason why Mori's face isn't in the frames — she can think only about Akutagawa. She doesn't notice Mori)

Thank you for such an interesting topic to ponder and literary context <з And thanks for everyone who read it)

Shortly analysing Higuchi’s and Mori’s relationship

I wouldn’t say this is rlly an analysis but when I was rereading the manga I found something interesting.

This is after the act where atsushi and akutagawa were fighting on the boat, and akutagawa lost. But that’s not what I’m gonna be stalking abt.

What I find interesting is that in none of these panels can we see moris face. In the first one we can see his whole head, but not his actual face, and then we only see certain features like his mouth or eye (plus Elise, cause she’s technically a part of him).

One thing that I have to point out is- we have seen moris face before (I think I’m not sure tho, but still I don’t think it would’ve impacted the storyline a lot). It’s not like Asquith wasn’t showing it because his entire identity is secret. I think it’s more how Higuchi views him- as a powerful man that she knows almost nothing about

Idk if this makes sense but thanks for reading this���

[akutagawa-daily]

Akutagawa daily 1584/★

[chuuyasporkie]

since you’re finally online on tumblr can we have a sneak peak for the next chap? pls 🥹🥹🥹

sure, friend! since you’ve asked so nicely, here’s the ADA being completely charming (ft. ranpo being a menace) in the next chapter! ☺️☺️

[neousfics]

Bungo Stray Dogs Fic Recs (The Ties That Bind Edition)

If you liked my fic The Ties That Bind here's a bunch of other fics I think you'd love :)

dolls don't have emotions (so why am I so scared?) by DeviBlue

Words: 15,313

Rating: E

Status: Complete

Summary:

“You found me,” Dazai croaked.

She walked towards him and rested a deceivingly gentle hand on his cheek. He tried his best not to lean into it. Soft touches were rare, especially from her, and she used them to wrap him around her finger. Giving him the love he craved whenever he strayed too far. It was disgusting and humiliating that she still had that effect on him.

“Shuuji-kun, you know you can never hide from us,” she said, just like all those years ago.

OR

Dazai's past comes back to destroy the life he's built for himself in the light.

Review: This is one of my absolute favorite BSD fics. The angst and horror in this concept are such a gut punch and I adore it. If you like the more raw, intense parts of The Ties That Bind, you'll love this fic

People-Pleasing and the Affects of Caring by Allegory_For_Hatred

Words: 4,565

Rating: Unrated but I would say M for violence

Status: Complete

Summary:

Dazai may have let himself be tortured to get information. It's not that big of a deal. You guys are just overreacting.

OR: the agency has a revelation about Dazai's... let's say "work ethic." Is it too late to fix what the Mafia has drilled into his head?

Review: A really solid exploration of the ADA reacting to how absolutely dreadful Dazai's mafia work-habits. I enjoyed the idea and characterization quite a bit

5 Times this, 1 Time that (but After that, Always) by gev_ao3

Words: 15,994

Rating: M

Status: Complete

Summary:

Just a quick 5+1:

Five times Chuuya thought there might be something… off about Mori and Dazai’s relationship, and one time he decided to do something about it. Can be read as a ship, but it doesn't have to be. The world is your oyster. (just, please, don't ship Dazai and Mori)

Review: If you like the Soukoku aspects of my fic/you're looking forward to the Chuuya confrontation, you'll enjoy this fic. It's well written and a good mix between indulgent and moderate

the bones are melting (the skeleton is ash) by FlowerCitti

Words: 2,879

Rating: T

Status: Complete

Summary:

When Dazai first joins the Agency, there is something inside of him that is waiting to mess up. Something inside of him that is almost craving it, if only to get it over with.

He gets his wish after only three months of working with the Agency.

Or, Fukuzawa Yukichi is not Mori Ougai.

Review: Honestly, I love this entire series. I think it captures the dread that is Mori Ougai very well, and the ADA provides a great contrast

Ruiner by gev_ao3

Words: 124,622

Rating: E

Status: Incomplete (Ch 13/14)

Summary:

from S2E9:

“Do you still wear the coat that I gave you?”

“I burned it.”

They’re the wrong words to say.

Mori’s abuse runs deep—deeper than anyone, including Dazai, had realized. And he’s doing it all over again.

[WARNING. *PLEASE* MIND THE TAGS.]

Review: Brutal psychological warfare, 10/10

Nivea's Mirror by Raiimil

Words: 42,077

Rating: E

Status: Complete

Summary:

Every night, a purple letter appears in his doorstep. Every night, the letter have different contents inside. Every night, Dazai breaks a little more. And this time, it might break him thoroughly.

Previously called: RAVAGE (Before I Break)

PLEASE, read the tags, PLEASE

Review: Also brutal psychological warfare, utilizes new ideas / characters in a way that doesn't feel self-indulgent or distracting from the plot. This one is very unsettling /pos

There's a few for now :) I will likely add more later

[phantom-jelly]

//BSD Manga Ch 100 Spoilers//

Idc what anyone says Suegiku (Jouno x Tecchou) is literally CANON.

Tecchou LITERALLY said “For just 5 minutes, I will place Jouno above justice” like that is literally a love confession RIGHT THERE idk how some people arent seeing it

Like bro Tecchou’s whole character is all about how he will do anything for justice and yada yada, like the fact that he PUT SOMEONE ELSE ABOVE HIS JUSTICE should say a lot about how he feels about that person, because his justice is literally everything to him

Like dude was literally beating the crap out of a 14 year old cause his boyfriend went missing, like bro, the proof is right there in front of you

(Help these two are literally driving me insane i need them to have a happy ending)

[skateintoawall]

Wip game !

Rules: make a new post with the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them, and then post a little snippet or tell them something about it! and then tag as many people as you have WIPs

Thank you @whathorselegs for doing an open tag ! (and for giving me an excuse to look through all my wips)

okay, here we go (there’s stuff that isn’t bsd in here but the bsd stuff will be first- there’s not much tho). For bsd I’ll post snippets but for the other one I might just explain what it’s about, depending on which wip it is.

Bungo stray dogs:

1. Hotel gone wrong

2. Fake French Engagement

3. Dazai, Chuuya, the Compatibility Paradox

4. Four years and the same contacts

Other fandom (… mostly bnha)

4. Hospitals and Secret Relationships

5. Theatre wip

6. In murder and marriage ch. 1: the proposal

7. Co-author

8. Double Edged Immune System

9. [-]’s weapon of choice is a broomstick

10. I’ll hum my favourite tune but it’s only the sound of you

11. Hold me (don’t let me go)

12. I saw a 16000 dollar carpet and I cried about it

13. [-]’s magical musical journey

14. Soft first kiss bullshit

Some of these are only a couple hundred words and at least one of them is 10k. I’ve… abandoned most of them. Mostly did this just for me to see them all again. Maybe I’ll be inspired to finally finish one of these lol

[dazaistabletop]

AYE TECCHOU'S BACK

[atalina-falling]

bsd analysis: ichiyō higuchi

I’ve had this in my notes app drafts for a long time, but here it is. My analysis on Higuchi, who is, in my opinion, one of the most underrated characters in BSD. Note that I’m not the first person to do an analysis on her and I likely won’t be the last, so there may be things in here that others have already pointed out before. With that said, let’s get into it. No spoilers this time:

pattern of idolization

[ch 14: translated by easygoing scans]

Higuchi’s devotion to Akutagawa is one of her most defining traits. While BSD has several characters who idolize their peers to an unhealthy degree, Higuchi stands out in that a) we still don’t have an explanation for her feelings, and b) this idolization is not based on a connection between the real-life authors. Below, I’ll give examples of other characters who also share this kind of codependent relationship and explain how Higuchi differs from the pattern:

Akutagawa and Dazai

Akutagawa chases after Dazai’s approval because of the way Dazai abused him in the Mafia and subsequently abandoned him afterwards. In real life, their roles were reversed, with Dazai greatly looking up to Akutagawa and trying to win the Akutagawa prize.

Poe and Ranpo

Poe idolizes Ranpo’s intelligence and previously made it his goal to defeat him after Ranpo beat him in a game of deduction. In real life, Ranpo looked up to Poe as a mystery author and even modeled his pen name after Poe.

Nikolai and Fyodor

Nikolai considers Fyodor the only person who will ever understand his messed up psyche. In real life, Fyodor was inspired by Nikolai’s work and the two shared similar political views, although they never met.

The reason that Higuchi breaks this pattern is because a) her reasons for chasing after Akutagawa are unknown, and b) as far as I’m aware, the two authors had no connection in real life. Higuchi lived centuries before Akutagawa and while some famous authors did acknowledge her work (eg. Mori), Akutagawa was not one of them. (If someone ends up discovering a link between them, please let me know, since my Japanese is still not great so all the research I do is in English). Higuchi’s actions in the story show that her feelings for Akutagawa go far beyond simple infatuation: from staying in the Mafia just for him, to stalking him when she sees him with another girl.

relationship with Akutagawa

It’s worth looking at Akutagawa’s character to see what exactly Higuchi might idolize about him. Akutagawa is cruel and senselessly violent. While Higuchi is most likely desensitized from working in the Mafia, it’s been shown several times that she does not enjoy violence and only carries it out when necessary.

[ch 4: translated by easygoing scans]

However, though she might not enjoy Akutagawa’s excessive violence, it’s possible that she looks up to it as a form of strength. Higuchi has been shown to doubt her own strength and value within the Mafia. Meanwhile, Akutagawa is infamously known as the Rabid Dog. Not only does his violence earn him fear and respect, it‘a also what makes the Black Lizard respect Higuchi by extension. At least until chapter 14, where she proves herself by going in to rescue Akutagawa alone. But even after her subordinates learn to respect her, Higuchi still remains devoted to Akutagawa.

Higuchi also hasn’t shown attraction to anyone else in the story. Unlike Dazai, who is naturally flirty and has canonically had multiple failed relationships with women (L), the only time Higuchi ever shows attraction is towards Akutagawa. This makes it less likely that she acts this way towards all her love interests and this is simply a part of her personality.

her eyes

Harukawa once mentioned that they purposefully draw deranged characters with larger and darker pupils, while characters with a chance for redemption have more light in their eyes. Higuchi’s pupils in the manga are half light, half dark, making her one of the Mafia members with the lightest eyes. This could tie in with her wanting to leave the Mafia and goes to show that if not for Akutagawa, she could blend back into society and find a peaceful job with relative ease.

[uploaded by easygoing scans]

unknown ability

Higuchi is one of the few characters with an unknown ability. Back in 2018, Asagiri tweeted about not having decided on a name for her ability yet (look how many exclamation marks lol).

[translated by @Chibikko_Chuuya on Twitter]

In real life, Higuchi’s most well known work was called Takekurabe, which literally means “comparing heights” but is usually translated as Growing Up or Child’s Play. However, the fact that Asagiri struggled to decide on a name for her ability may suggest that it’s either unrelated to her literary work (eg. Oda’s Flawless) or derived from a combination of multiple works (eg. Poe’s Black Cat in the Rue Morgue). Shoutout to @/nikadoesanart for pointing out the second possibility on Discord over a year ago when we first discussed this.

parallels with Tachihara

My theory is that Higuchi’s development will be similar to Tachirara’s. Both started out as side characters with an unknown ability. However, in the DOA arc, Tachirara’s ability was revealed and he suddenly became very important to the plot. Along with his ability, his backstory and motives were also explored and he underwent a lot of development in a short amount of time. It’s very possible that this is what we’ll see with Higuchi as well. Once her ability is revealed, she’ll play a much larger role in the upcoming plot and much of her character—including the backstory of how she ended up in the Mafia and her reasons for being obsessed with Akutagawa—will be explained.

sources

Sources for the historical connections I mentioned between the real-life authors are a little all over the place, especially when it comes to the Japanese writers (doing research in English really is a limitation). However, I’ll do my best to compile them:

This post by @/bsd-bibliophile is honestly the best online source I found regarding Dazai and his relationship to Akutagawa. Much of it is a summary of the book Self Portraits: Tales from the life of Japan's Great Decadent Romantic.

There’s also an image scan here of the letter Dazai wrote to Haruo Satō, one of the judges for the Akutagawa Prize, the first time he failed to win the award.

Edogawa Ranpo naming himself after Edgar Allen Poe is probably literary trivia at this point and is mentioned below the information chart on his Wikipedia page.

Nikolai being a literary influence for Fyodor is explored in this 227 page-long PhD dissertation which I probably don’t recommend reading unless you have lots of time, but the section “The Role of Nikolai Gogol in Fyodor Dostoevsky’s Literary Mind” (pages 4-16) has a lot of information about the relationship between the two authors.

[kyouka-supremacy]

Since Higuchi confessed her love to Akutagawa, what do you think their relationship will be like in the future? Armand being distasteful or confused for being loved?

I'm sorry if this results disappointing, but I don't think it's going to be any different from how it was pre doa arc, because I doubt the confession is going to stick? I don't think Akutagawa will maintain memories of when he was a vampire - after all, he wasn't in possess of his faculties -, so my guess would be that he isn't going to remember that Higuchi confessed to him. I feel so bad for Higuchi, pouring her heart out at him like that, being bitten and everything, and he doesn't even remember 😭😭

But if we want to talk about what I believe their relationship to be like right now...

(Fist off, they've barely interacted ever since chapter 14, so most of this is going to be on the headcanon realm with only very loose references to canon.)

Right now, I have a soft spot for their relationship, honestly. Maybe because fixing his relationship with Higuchi is very explicitly, in the text, the first step Akutagawa takes towards his redemption arc. Akutagawa is a better man right now, right? Slowly, and the bar was underground, but he's trying to do better, and I think that would reflect a lot in how his relationship with Higuchi has changed (basically, we saw him apologize to her, and I'm running with it).

I've got a soft spot for their relationship because they come from a place of a very toxic dynamic, and yet they both grew out of it, which is sweet to see. Coming from a place of Akutagawa being plain abusive towards Higuchi and Higuchi (even though it doesn't compare) being overbearing and overwhelming, I think they used to hurt each other a lot, moreso with Higuchi being in love with him and him not sharing her affections. But now that Akutagawa has learned to calm down a bit, to take a deep breath, to apologize, now that he's learned that really there's no reason to lash out at minor annoyances; and now that Higuchi has seen that Akutagawa makes mistakes that he has to apologize for, too, now that she sees him more like a flawed human being rather than someone to idolize; I think they can be okay work partners, who don't get on each other's nerves, nor make the other feel miserable and worthless.

And of course this is based off nothing, but their latest interactions have been at least remarkably non-hostile if compared to how we saw them pre chapter 14: just on top of my mind, we see them side by side in chapter 47;

in chapter 49, Akutagawa arguably intervenes to save Higuchi from Kyouka;

and later in the same chapter, which I find the most meaningful: when Higuchi hurries Akutagawa to go and take cover, which I can imagine in the past would have been met with rage over being considered weak / someone to be taken care of and addressed with a “shut up Higuchi”, is otherwise met with a significantly non-hostile “very well”; and doesn't that show how Akutagawa has warmed up to her at least a bit?

And finally (just for the sake of exhaustivity), in the volume 15 omake, we can see them work fine together (?).

I don't know, for how I see it, they are on good terms now, and on their way of becoming okay colleagues who respect each other.

I am fully persuaded Akutagawa has genuinely not the slightest clue that Higuchi loves him- a very unfortunate combination of him being oblivious, straightforward, and too gay to actually consider a woman holding romantic feelings for him. I think Higuchi needs, for her development, and for her own good, to get over her crush. I think that it's fine for her to admire and love Akutagawa, but I don't really see him liking her romantically. I think that even if the last time it didn't go well, she needs to confess her feelings to Akutagawa again, face rejection, cry for a week, eat a lot of ice-cream, watch Legally Blonde, dye her hair, and move on. Thank goodness the world doesn't end at Akutagawa lmao. I think that's another step they need in order to take their relationship to the “co-workers in good terms” level.

I like Higuchi and Akutagawa's relationship. I think it parallels the Akutagawa / Dazai relationship in a very artificial way: because Akutagawa is very different from Dazai, and Higuchi is very different from Akutagawa, but since that's what Akutagawa has always known regarding mentor / mantee relationships, that's what he's trying to emulate in his relationship with Higuchi. Yet, I think Akutagawa has always cared about Higuchi. I can't really explain why, but if you look back at chapter 4, he's always been protective of her. In my headcanon, it was Akutagawa who took her in, and it was because he must have seen something in her since the beginning, something worth nurturing. I think it was something that reminded him a little of himself, too. Maybe he met her as she was desperate to find a way to provide for her sister, maybe she did something in front of him particularly reckless and uncaring of her self worth that caught his attention, and he decided to take her in the mafia under him.

At the same time, I believe seeing himself in Higuchi was, too, the reason why pre chapter 14 Akutagawa was always so angry and unnecessarily annoyed at her: that is, for the way she was endlessly devoted to her mentor to the point of humiliation and making herself pathetic, just like he was. Of course that's not something Akutagawa liked seeing, because that must have felt like such a big callout. See, that's exactly how you look to others, to him. And also: at this point of the story Akutagawa is at the very bottom of self-loathing that he will reach in his whole life; someone telling him that he is amazing and admirable, when he knows so certainly that he is not, must only sound like mockery and annoying buzzing to his ears.

But them being not Akutagawa and Dazai is precisely why there's space for them to fix their relationship (which is otherwise something I don't believe Akutagawa and Dazai can do). I don't think Akutagawa ever could, or wants, to be as gratuitously cruel to Higuchi as Dazai was - and still is - to him. I don't think he cares a lot about Higuchi respecting him or being a subordinate he can control, because to me Akutagawa speaks like someone for whom hierarchies don't really mean much. Higuchi only needs to see him a little more realistically, a little more humanly; and they will be fine.

It's made me a little uncomfortable to write this down in the way I feel the need to put the dislaimer that this can only work so long as bsd is a work of fiction, and a shonen-esque manga at that. So sometimes people in it beat each other up to death and then work it out and can still be amicable after. It's shonen logic. But it definitely doesn't apply to real life; and whereas I don't usually feel the need to put any disclaimer when talking about ss/kk, because youn know, there's not that many cases I know of of men tearing each other's limbs and sending each other into comas and then entering romantic relationships, I am deeply familiar with women stuck in abusive relationships, so really: shonen logic doesn't apply in real life. Remember that regardless of your gender, you should never trust again someone who's ever been violent with you; it's not your job to give them a second chance, and it mustn't be, because your safety comes first.

[akutagawa-daily]

Akutagawa daily 1639/★

[bsd15-remade]

pls share ur bsd timeline daz !!

alrighty!! this whole thing is very much a wip so just to keep things simple ill stick to the doa/cannibalism arcs

SO im pretty sure cannibalism starts somewhere in fall bc of the 55 minutes afterword where asagiri says that 55 minutes is meant to take place somewhere after volume 10 and during the summer so if u count that as canon (which i do) that puts cannibalism around late september/early november

from there we know the doa arc starts around a month after cannibalism since it says so at the beginning of ch. 57 but if thats not enough evidence for it happening in october you can look at the characters we know have october birthdays

we know ranpo and oda are the same age bc theyre both listed as being 14 during the untold origins of the detective agency and we know ango is 2 years younger than oda but if you go to ango and ranpo’s wiki pages their ages are listed as being 25 and 26, only one year apart.

and like at first that tripped me up BUT i realized ranpo’s profile where it says his age was released with vol. 3 while ango’s was released with vol. 19 during which arc? thats right the doa arc

so in conclusion, ango and ranpo have both had their birthdays pass during this arc so it has to be taking place during october

[lady-une]

BSD CH 14

Wow. Sorry this has taken so long to get out to you guys. It’s just been super hard to get into the right mind frame with working two jobs and taking care of the kids. Plus some people kind of guessed the route I was going and weren’t too happy. Which made me stop and wonder if I should change this. I want to make everyone happy but at the same time I want to take this the way I dreamed of. This was all inspired by a drama that was on DramaFever that I was watching. “Devilish charm/joy” was the name of it. Man it had me hooked and I instantly thought nyongtory and so that’s how BSD was born. If anyone knows where I can watch this please let me know. I’m still rather upset dramafever closed down but there’s nothing I can do about it. That long list of dramas to watch is gone forever lol. But anyways back to BSD 😂. This chapter is a bit longer then what I normally do. I thought of splitting it up but thought it would flow weird. So yeah. I hope you all enjoy and as always please love, comment, and share. Help me grow with feedback and help me reach some more nyongtory fans who might not know about me!

He thought their love was eternal, that nothing would be able to break them apart. He put his trust and faith in the man he loved with all his heart. The one man he thought would never hurt him, did it in the most horrific way possible. How will he move on, having to see the man who broke his heart day in and day out. Having to see him smile and look at another the way he once did him. If had known this was his destiny all along, he would never had started on this path to begin with.

Word count: 4466

Theme: Angst

Rating: Mature, SMUT, Drinking

Pairing: Kwon Jiyong x Seungri

Master List

Chapter 1

Sitting in the cold private family room Jiyong had never felt as defenseless as he did in that exact moment. Even when he was a young child being moved around from casting call to casting call. Having to blindly follow his parents’ wishes when he only ever wanted to be a normal boy, to be able to go out and play with his friends where the only worry he had was having too much homework. Even when he was first trying to debut, the years with the first company and his unknown future. Then again when he was just starting with Yang Hyun-suk and the debut of Bigbang. None of those times could match the feelings that were coursing through his veins. Fear. The most prevalent emotion was driving him mad. What had happened to Seungri, how did he get that way. Would he be ok? Was it too late? Will he ever get the chance to make the epic mess he had made up to him.

Before Jiyong could fully lose his mind the door to the family room opened and in came the rest of the members along with Mino.

“Jiyong what the hell happened.” Seunghyun asked as he rushed over to where Jiyong was sitting.

Jiyong looked up from his spot and the look on his face scared the elder. Never had he seen Jiyong look so broken and vulnerable.  Even during his motte tour when the two lovers were having a spat he didn’t look anything like he does now. Seunghyun sat in the chair next to Jiyong on the couch and took his hand in his.

“Everything will be ok Jiyong. That boy will be up before you know it.”

“Hyung, I don’t know, there was so much blood. I got to the hotel and we got in there and he was in the bathroom. There was so much blood and it was coming from his head.” Jiyong barely got the end of his sentence out with how hard he was holding back the cry that was wanting to rip from throat.

“You bastard!”

Jiyong looked up to see Mino making his way quickly to where he sat but was stopped by Youngbae.

“Hyung this is all his fault!” Mino spat still struggling to get to Jiyong.

“No it is not.”

Jiyong stood from his spot his head hung low. “No he is right.” He said low, his voice cracking at the end.

“It might be somewhat your fault but not really. You had already broken up with her, she should have known better.” Youngbae said as he let go of Mino and walked over taking Jiyong in his arms.

Jiyong cried in his best friends’ arms, loud sobs finally broke free as his tears fell from his eyes like small rivers. Youngbae held his friend rubbing his back as he felt his body shake and his shirt become damp with tears.

“She knew what she was doing.” Jiyong sobbed. “She didn't want to break up. She did this on purpose.” Jiyong screamed as he clutched onto Youngbae’s shirt.

A knock at the door sounded before it opened, and a couple of doctors walked in.

“Kwon Jiyong?” The doctor called out.

Jiyong stepped back from Youngbae and wiped his face. “Yes, that is me.”

“You are listed as the first contact for Lee Seunghyun.”

“How is he?” Jiyong asked as he walked towards the doctor.

“He is still unconscious, he lost a bit of blood but is fine. We got the bleeding under control and he has some stitches.”

“Can we see him?” Jiyong asked.

The doctor nodded his head as he opened the door and lead the boys to Seungri’s room. Jiyong thought he was going to be able to handle things but the sight in front of him brought him to his knees needing Youngbae to hold him up. Seungri laid there on the bed not moving. Breathing machines were hooked up to him, his head was bandaged, and machines were beeping loudly around him. Youngbae brought Jiyong to the chair at the side of the bed and helped him into. Jiyong shakily reached for Seungri’s hand holding it in his. Tears fell from his eyes again as he laid his head down and felt his soft skin being drenched with his tears.

The first day all the members including Mino staid in the room. Each taking turns to sleep and eat...except for Jiyong. The members did their best to try and get Jiyong to leave and eat or get some sleep but Jiyong refused to leave Seungri’s side. Jiyong barely registered that Youngbae had mentioned that Yang Hyun-suk and Seungri’s parents were flying in and should be there.

“Hyung you need to sleep, you won't be any good for the maknae when he wakes up if you are not taking care of yourself.” Daesung said as he knelt down next to Jiyong.

“He was never any good for him.” Mino said from behind Jiyong.

Jiyong growled deeply and jumped from his chair turning around to push Mino against the wall. “I have made the worst decision of my life leaving that man and I will spend the rest of my life making up for it.”

The room was quiet with the exception of Seungri’s machines beeping, the only comfort that Jiyong got in the current situation. As long as those machines kept beeping then he knew that Seungri was still there. Jiyong laid with his head on the bed looking up at the sleeping panda. He looked peaceful, Jiyong couldn't remember the last time he just looked at Seungri. His chest rose and fell with each breath he took with the assistance of the breathing machine. He didn't understand exactly why he needed it if he was perfectly fine. Dark circles that were always there were deeper and darker than usual. His once plump face was gaunt no doubt from the weight loss. He complexion that was once glowing was pale, he looked sick and Jiyong wasn't sure if it was due to the blood loss or the stress. Squeezing his eyes shut Jiyong fought back the tears. He had done this. He was the one to put Seungri in this bed and had him looking this way. He deserved to be burning in the pits of hell for eternity for making him this way.

Jiyong was so lost in his self-hatred that he didn't even hear the door to Seungri’s room opening or know that someone other than the members were in the room until he felt a soft hand on his shoulder. Lifting his head up he blinked the tears away and waited for his vision to clear, when he did, he saw Seungri’s mother standing next to him. Jiyong quickly stood from his chair and offered it to Seungri’s mother.

“What happened to my baby boy?” She asked as she held onto Seungri’s hand with one of hers and caressed his face with her other one.

“He fell and hit his head.”

“Where was he that he was able to fall? My boy is not a clumsy fool.”

“He was in a hotel that none of us knew about and he had been drinking. I am sorry, it’s my fault he is like this. I was a fool and I just want to make things better.”

“Jiyong my boy loved you with all his heart, you promised me that you would take care of him and that he would be safe. How did my baby end up like this?”

“I will make things better I promise.”

“You better, but first my baby boy needs to wake up.”

Jiyong nodded his head, she was right after all. Jiyong had promised to love and care for Seungri. That he would keep him safe and show him only beautiful things in the world. Yet he broke that promise. Moving back Jiyong gave Seungri’s parents room to be near their son. Standing against the wall Jiyong listened to Seungri’s mothers soft voice.

“Seunghyun, its Eomma. Can you hear me? Sweet heart please wake up. We miss you my sweet sweet boy. You can't stay sleeping, your eomma needs you.” Seungri’s mother said with a soft crack in her voice at the end.

Jiyong covered his mouth as he too started crying, a lump was forming in his throat. He had hurt her precious son and there was nothing he could do about it.

Yang Hyun-suk  who had also appeared with the Lee’s cleared his throat catching Jiyong’s attention. He motioned with his head to the door before walking out. Jiyong went around the room and gently shook the other members who were sleeping. The men sleepily stood and followed Jiyong out of the room and to a empty room down the hall. Yang Hyun-suk was sitting in an empty chair with his arms crossed, he looked tired and worn out. For the first time he actually looked his age. Once all the boys were in the room he cleared his throat before he began speaking.

“I just wanted you all to know that we already went to the media before someone else could. We didn't need this to be blown up more than what it will already be. Seungri has always been known to party, and I am sure had we not gotten this out first someone would have spun a web of lies. We explained that Seungri was getting out of the shower and slipped hitting his head. Unfortunately, we are too close to the concerts so there is nothing we can do but continue on without him. We don't want to disappoint the fans, they have been waiting for this for far too long.”

Yang Hyun-suk stayed silent giving the boys time to take in everything he said. He looked around the room and took in the members appearances. He could tell that everything that went on not only took a toll on Seungri and Jiyong but them as well. Youngbae, a new dad had dark circles under his eyes. The stress of parenthood was enough for him but add on this and Hyun-suk knew he was probably not getting any sleep. Seunghyun and Daesung stood in the corner, Daesung leaning on Seunghyun for support with a worried look on his face. He had his lip between his teeth and was chewing on it. Seunghyun was playing with the hem of Daesung’s shirt, a nervous gesture he had picked up since the scandal when he was enlisted. Hyun-suk wasn't too happy when he learned of their feelings, but he was tired of trying to fight his employees on their relationships. He just had to have hope that those two would not go down the same path as Seungri and Jiyong. Jiyong on the other hand was sitting on the bed, he looked the worst. All the weight he had put on was slowly slipping off him. He always had a hard time keeping weight on him, the moment he would become stress the weight would just slip off him like water through open fingers.

“I am sure the fans will be compassionate during this time but it is up to you all to make sure that they also enjoy the performance. I know this will be hard, especially for you Jiyong to have your attention on the show while your mind is here with Seungri. But I need you to hold it together and to do what needs to be done.”

“I know.” Jiyong replied, his voice void of any strength.

“Good. Seungri’s parents will be staying here for the time being until he wakes up. I would suggest you all return to the hotel and get some rest.”

Standing from his chair Hyun-suk moved to the door opening it for the members to walk out of the door. In the hall were the managers waiting for them. They all walked slowly by Seungri’s room with Jiyong pausing. Jiyong moved near the door and placed his hand on the window looking in. Seungri’s mother was weeping at her son’s bedside with his father holding her in his arms. Holding his breath Jiyong attempted to keep his emotions in check before he looked to the sleeping forming.

“Come back to me my love. Please don’t leave me.” Jiyong thought as he closed his eyes trying to hold back his tears.

“Jiyong…” Youngbae said as he placed his hand on Jiyong’s shoulder.

Moving his head Jiyong opened his eyes, tears already brimming the edge of his lids. He nodded his head before stealing one more glance at Seungri’s sleeping form before turning and following the rest of the members out of the hospital.

Over the next couple of weeks between performances and practices Jiyong would always find his way to the hospital. Most of the time he spent talking to Seungri, reminding him of all their happier memories. Or he would talk about the performances they had, the interviews they did. He never missed a chance to tell him how everyone was asking about him and missing him.

“Bigbang is not the same without our maknae. I’m not the same without you. I was a fool. An idiot. You can curse me and hate me for as long as you want but I need you to just wake up first. I love you Lee Seunghyun.”

It was a cold night when Jiyong walked into the hospital. Rubbing his hands together he tried to warm himself up as he took the elevator to the VIP floor. That brisk walk from the car into the hospital was short but the air was colder. When the elevator dinged for the floor Jiyong stepped off and took his jacket off smiling at the nurses who have come to know him on another level with how often he was there. Opening the door Jiyong was met with Hyun-suk talking quietly with Seungri’s parents. Jiyong bowed and greeted everyone before going to Seungri and brushing his growing hair out of his eyes before kissing his forehead gently and letting him know he is there.

“What’s going on? Has there been any news?” Jiyong asked as he took his spot in the chair next to the bed opposite of where Seungri’s mom sat.

“I was just talking with the Lees about moving Seungri back home. Everyone is leaving here and we had hoped that he would have woken up in time to leave with you all but he hasn’t. So we are going to transfer him home and have another specialist come in and take a look at him.”

“That’s good. I will travel with him.”

“No his family will travel with him. You have other responsibilities with the group. You go back home tomorrow and Seungri will be transferred in the next couple of days.”

“But they can manage without me. I want to transfer with Seungri.”

“Jiyong I know you want to but you can’t. Just do as I say.”

Jiyong knew the tone in Hyun-suk’s voice in that last statement left no room for him to ask again. It was a final statement. Jiyong would go back to Seoul the same way he came to Japan...without Seungri.

The night before the members of Bigbang were to depart Jiyong was exactly where he wanted to be, curled up in bed next to Seungri holding his hand.

“I don't want to leave you here. I don't want you to be alone. God I have been such an idiot. Please won't you just wake up? The thought of you flying back like this breaks my heart. Your mother has been here and we     all just need you to wake up. Please Ri won't you come back to me baby?”

Jiyong clutched onto Seungri and cried into his chest letting his tears soak through the blue and white checkered hospital shirt. Jiyong stayed in that position until he fell asleep clutched to the man he loved and missed so much.

The snow falling from the sky was sparkled in the light of the street lamp. Seungri looked up watching it fall and feeling the cold wetness hit his face. It was so peaceful, it reminded him of a snow globe he thought briefly.

“Maknae let’s go, it’s cold out here and he won't be happy if we are late!” Daesung called out bringing Seungri back to his surroundings.

Seungri smiled and jogged up to Daesung who was standing in the doorway to the apartment building. It was the holiday break from the tour and the members were getting together to celebrate. After a busy first half of the tour they had earned this break. Walking into the apartment Seungri felt a rush of peacefulness flow over him. The apartment smelt of pine, no doubt the smell coming from the freshly cut tree that was in the corner of the living room. The other members were sitting around the living room chatting away and watching Youngbae’s child roll around on the floor. Kicking off his shoes Seungri walked over to the couch and sat next to Jiyong. Laying his head on his shoulder Seungri hummed and closed his eyes. It had been so long since the group was able to relax and enjoy the life they had as a family.

After dinner the group came back to the living room and exchanged gifts. Toys for the baby, clothes and books were passed around. Seungri laughed as he watched the baby nah on a plush dragon she had received. A gasp from the corner of the room caught everyone's attention. Turning his head he saw Seunghyun get down on his knee offering a box to Daesung. Daesung had his hands covering his mouth with tears forming in his eyes.

“You have been the one constant anchor in my life. Through all the hardships I have gone through it was always you who kept me together. We have shared so many firsts together and there is no one else I would want to share this first with. I know we won't be able to do anything permanent right now but in the future I promise I will give you the wedding you deserve. Will you do me the honor of being my forever partner in this life and the next?”

“Of course!”

Everyone erupted in cheers and clapping as Seunghyun stood and Daesung lept into his arms. Jiyong pulled Seungri close as he dipped his head down to whisper “I love you.” in his ear. Pulling away Seungri cupped Jiyong’s face before whisper against his lips “I love you” and then gently kissed him. It wasn't a long kiss but the for the brief moment they were attached he could feel all the love they shared. Pulling away Jiyong smiled with tears in his eyes.

“I want to come out after this tour. I want to start a family with you. I don't care if they run us out of the country, I just need you in my life. Can we start a family? I want to give you the wedding you never got.”

“I want nothing more then to have it all with you.”

Later that night as the two laid in bed Seungri closed his eyes and tried his best to fall asleep but he could hear his name being called. Opening his eyes he strained his ears to listen for any clues as to where the sound was coming from.

“Seungri.”

Seungri shot up in bed.

“Seungri please.”

Looking around Seungri felt a cold chill come over his body.

“Please Seungri.”

“Jiyong?” Seungri whispered.

Jiyong who was laying next to Seungri stirred in his sleep.

“Come back to me.”

“Jiyong.” Seungri called out again, tears were pricking in his eyes.

“What's wrong baby?” Jiyong said as he sat up in bed.

“Someone is calling me, it sounded like you.”

“It was nothing, just a bad dream. I am here, how could I call you. Don't worry about it my love. Just come back to bed.”

Seungri allowed Jiyong to pull him back to laying in the bed and held him in his arms. Closing his eyes Seungri did his best to ignore the sound of his name being called out in the darkness.

A month later Jiyong found himself walking into the hospital in Seoul. Tired he had on sunglasses to cover the deep dark circles that were forming under his eyes. The stop in the Philippines was hard, fans were still questioning about Seungri and he had nothing he could say. Nothing had changed, he was still there but sleeping. Jiyong smiled and waved at the nurses that were on the floor that held Seungri. Jiyong was so happy that all of the staff were professional and didn't swarm him or ask for autographs. That was the last thing Jiyong needed when he came here to be with Seungri. Walking into Seungri’s room Jiyong shed his jacket and took off his face mask and glasses. Walking over to Seungri’s sleeping form Jiyong bent down and laid a kiss on Seungri’s forehead.

“Good evening my love. Sorry it took me so long to come see you but our flight was delayed.”

Pulling the chair close to Seungri’s bed Jiyong sat down and held Seungri’s warm hand in his as he recalled the concert and told him how all the fans were sending gifts for him and asking to see if he was any better. Jiyong told him how the concert still was not the same without him.

“Please Ri, come back to me baby. You don't even have to worry about another woman in my life nor that demon spawn that I was stupid enough to be with. She was taken care of. Dami, Hannah and even our sister in law took care of her. I had to pay her hospital fees but she won't be a problem for us ever again.”

Before Jiyong could continue a doctor walked in to check in on Seungri for the night.

“How is he?” Jiyong asked.

“He is the same, still healthy with no complications. He just needs to wake up.”

Jiyong just nodded his head as the doctor walked out of the room. The weight of his actions still weighed down on him. Jiyong sat there for a few moments before getting up and going to the door to turn the light off. Walking back to Seungri he kicked his shoes off and climbed into bed wrapping his body around Seungri’s.

“Please Seungri. Please won't you come back to me. I am sorry, you have no idea how sorry I am. I don't know how many more times I need to say it but I will say sorry every single day if you just come back to me.”

Clutching onto Seungri’s hospital shirt he cried.

“God please won't you give him back to me? If you need to take someone just take me! Seungri deserves the world, he doesn't deserve this. I do! Take me please! Just let him wake up! I promise to always make him smile and to keep the negative energy away from him. I will do everything for him. I will live my life to make him happy! I just need him back!”

Just as the night before they left Japan, Jiyong laid in bed crying and begging Seungri to come back until he himself fell asleep due to mental exhaustion.

The warm water from the bath and Jiyong’s soft caressing on his skin had Seungri closing his eyes and be lulled into a gentle sleepness. That was until he heard crying. Like before Seungri opened his eyes and strained his ears. The crying seemed familiar, he had heard it before.

“Seungri.”

The gentle whisper was so quiet that he wasn't sure if he heard it.

Seungri sat up and away from Jiyong before turning to him. “What’s wrong?” Seungri asked.

“Nothing, why do you ask?”

“You were crying and calling my name.”

“No I wasn't, you were sleeping baby.”

“No I heard you. You were calling my name.”

“No I wasn't, just ignore it.”

“No, I heard your voice! I have heard it enough to recognize it anywhere.”

“I am right here next to you and I am not crying. Why would I deny that?”

“Something isn’t right.”

Getting up out of the tub Seungri clung on to the counter as his head began to pound. The sound of Jiyong crying was getting louder but as he looked through his squinted eyes he saw Jiyong in the tub not making a sound.

“Jiyong what’s going on?”

“Why can’t you just let things be? You’re not even here right now. Physically you’re not but mentally you are. Your brain doesn’t want to be awake. The pain you will face out there is too much. Just stay here with me where you won’t ever feel pain again! You are safe and loved here. We can have everything!”

“What? If that’s true then I have to wake up! My family...they must be so worried! I need to wake up. They need me!”

“I need you!”

“No you don’t! You’re not even real! There are real people out there that need me!”

“Fine. Go. Go back to them but leave your pain here. Go back to your family but forget everything that has caused you pain.”

Jiyong stood from the tub and walked over to Seungri and cupped his face and whispered “let me take your pain” before he kissed his lips gently.

The feeling of something softly stroking his hair had awoken Jiyong. He closed his eyes and snuggled closer into Seungri body and hummed in content when he felt what should have been a sleeping form shake with a soft chuckle. Shooting up in the bed Jiyong found a smiling Seungri looking at him.

“Seungri you’re awake!”

“Hyung what am I doing here?”

“You got hurt. God seungri I am so sorry. Will you forgive me?”

“Forgive you? I don’t understand, did you do something wrong? Whatever it is I know you didn’t mean it so I forgive you.”

Jiyong looked at the gentle man in front of him unsure as to how he would have easily been forgiven for the amount of pain he caused.

“Seungri what is the last thing you remember?”

Seungri sat there and thought hard but nothing was coming to mind. He knew he was on tour with the group but there were fuzzy parts he couldn’t remember.

“Hyung...I think there is something wrong. I can’t remember.”

Jiyong slowly got off the bed and backed up to the door. “Wait here Ri, let me get a doctor.” Turning to the door Jiyong escaped the room, things were definitely wrong.

NEXT

[autumnleaf1111]

No fr, why does no one talk about this 😭 this is actually one of my favorite parts ☹️

There's an exact page in the manga that signs the start of Akutagawa's character growth and it's this one, btw

[akutagawa-daily]

Akutagawa daily 1485/★