#but I'll later discuss it in some future post

[selvrse]

haven't posted here oops-

some new cq ocs while I was on short hiatus

[ponchigg]

How To Actually Set Intention To Reality Shift.

Original post made by LadyNuggie on the reddit shifting community r/Shiftingrealities. All credits to them.

Setting the intention to shift is one of the most widely discussed topics in the shifting community. A lot of shifters (especially on tiktok) will tell you "all you need to shift is intention." One girl literally said, "all you need to shift is intention, and if anyone tells you otherwise, they're lying." Something about that didn't sit right with me and it took me a while to put my finger on why that statement bothered me.

The thing is, first of all, all you need to shift is intention and the right altered state of consciousness that works for you so you can connect to your DR and detach from your CR. But besides that, let's say all you did need to shift was intention. Well then, how do you set that intention? Because there is a right way to set intention and a wrong way.

Setting intention isn't going to sleep half hoping you wake up in your DR. Some people have literally shifted that way, but that doesn't mean that that is how you actually set intention. The key to setting intention is moving a message, desire or want from your conscious mind into your subconscious mind. Your conscious mind makes up about 5% of what we call "the mind". The remaining 95% is your subconscious and unconscious mind. Your subconscious is comprised of everything you've ever seen, heard, tasted, and experienced. Your thoughts, beliefs, values, and habits all stem from the workings of your subconscious mind. That is why "reprogramming your subconscious mind" is a popular topic in the shifting community.

Now, you set intention by ingraining or imprinting your desire into your subconscious mind. Simply having a thought or want in your head does not mean that the intention has been set. And this is where I explain what prospective memory is.

Prospective memory is when you have a "prospect" or something in mind that you want to accomplish later. Maybe you want to remember to buy more toilet paper the next time you drive by target or you need to remember to pick up your sister from her piano recital. You remember to do those tasks in the future because of prospective memory.

When trying to learn how to lucid dream, one of the first concepts you come across is reality checking, which is basically performing an action multiple times throughout the day so that you get used to it and at some point do it in a dream (because it's been ingrained into your subconscious and has become a habit). So if your reality check is counting your fingers, when the action pops up in a dream, you become lucid because in a dream you could have 8 or 4 fingers on one hand and you realize it's a dream!

Let's say you told yourself that whenever you walk into a room or stand up from a seat, you would do a reality check. That is you utilizing your prospective memory. That way, the action shows up in a dream because your subconscious mind "remembered" to do it!

So how does this relate to shifting? Well, a major reason why sleep methods don't work for a lot of people is because (like me) they have weak prospective memory. You could tell me to clap twice in the next 30 seconds and I'll forget. So it's no wonder that I "forget" to shift when I use sleep methods.

You shift with a sleep method when you set the intention to shift (using prospective memory) to your DR and detach from your CR through an altered state of consciousness (in this case, that would be sleep). When you successfully shift using a sleep method, it is because your subconscious "remembered" to do so!

This is also why a lot of people have dreams about their DR. Because the images, people and sensations from their DR have been ingrained in their subconscious mind, so they dream about it! I've literally had dreams where I walked through a portal to try to shift although I wasn't lucid.

So if you want to use sleep methods, (although this is important for any kind of shifting method) I highly recommend working on your prospective memory by giving yourself little tasks to do throughout the day. You could also start doing reality checks, that way, even if you don't shift at least you could have a lucid dream which you could use to shift anyways.

An Example of a Prospective Memory Exercise for Shifting (can also be used for lucid dreaming):

▪️ The next time I walk into the kitchen I will: do a reality check and remind myself to shift to my DR when I go to sleep.

▪️ The next time I turn on a light bulb I will: do a reality check and remind myself to shift to my DR when I go to sleep.

▪️ The next time I pick something up from the floor I will: do a reality check and remind myself to shift to my DR when I go to sleep.

▪️ The next time I flush the toilet I will: do a reality check and remind myself to shift to my DR when I go to sleep.

Try to do each task 3 times each day. Good luck!

[furiouszealot]

UPDATE: As of 25/04/2025, 4chan is back up and running again. This post and its addendum will be kept as is, and will no longer be updated unless it goes back down again. If you were on /ghost/, it was a pleasure shitposting with you.

All right, I know no one gives a shit, but let me give you a recounting of the fall of 4chan from the perspective of someone who was there and has been lurking both 4chan and tumblr for a few years now.

I'll try to provide as much context as I can, but a lot of images were either lost or im too lazy to look for them in the +5000 reply thread in soyjak party.

Anyways, info below:

So, necessary context: a few years back, 4chan had a board called /qa/, which if you know little about the page, you may think every board is like /b/ or /pol/, which means a containment cess pool of grifters, (you) baiters, incels, and other deranged individuals. The thing is, /qa/ was somehow worse. The entire board was plagued and infested with soyjack edits, board culture was a nuclear disaster, anons were incredibly hostile in there, you know the drill, the big bad 4chan, but this time its actually true.

One day, moderation deleted /qa/, anons that posted there got mad, tried to raid other boards, failed, and then moved on to an altchan called soyjack party, which entire purpose you can guess from its name alone.

Apparently, the boards that allow pdf uploads (paper and origami, for example) didn't check if the uploaded file was actually a pdf file, so postscript files could be used to get access. This is as far as my understanding of web backend goes, sorry.

The hacker claims to have been working on this since 2021, and that he had access since about a year ago, but was recopilating data.

Now, what actually happened when the hack ocurred? Well, a banner of miku dancing with a song that played automatically was placed on top of every board, with the text "/QA/ IS BACK", this was possible because apparently no board was ever deleted, they were just hidden from the public.

A thread was then made on soyjack party, claiming authorship over the hack, and shit went south from there. Anons went en masse to talk there, a lot of weird discussion happened, the thread got the bump limit removed and got pinned, more than 5k posts were amassed on the first night alone. Keep in mind this happened at about 8 pm and most of the stuff went on through midnight.

So, the hacker leaked some things, first of all, the html files for the entirety of /j/ and the email address for every moderation member (important note: the pressence of .gov mails was disproven by the hacker themselves, so i guess there were never any feds), what is /j/? the board exclusive for jannies and moderators to discuss actions taken on the website regarding spam, ban evaders, threads spiraling out of control, etc. Among other things, some of the inner workings of 4chan got revealed, such as the web extension for jannies that allows them to do their job easily, how reports are handled, and other stuff. (Anecdotically, some guy got permabanned for calling anons jews or n-words over a 100 times in the same few threads)

Then, the source code got leaked. Important to say, the hacker removed the part of the source code related to the captcha, as to not facilitate bot attacks on the future, and all information related to email verification or 4chan pass users information also got removed, so all in all users are safe.

What was found on the sourcecode? That it was old, mostly. Most boards used code that hasn't been updated since about 2016, and /flash/ used the exact same code from when it was created back on 2011.

From there, desuarchive, a site that archives threads that die from bump limit, opened a dragon ball general on ghost mode, and thus began what later got called /ghost/, a solely text based thread with well over 20k replies as of right now, where a fraction of the 4chan population took refuge and is currently discussing random things with no particular topic. Kinda hard to read, but its comfy.

What does this mean for other sites? Not a lot, really. A lot of anons already crossposted in 4chan and tumblr already, and the ones that din't most likely wont come here. Some of the bigger/most dedicated groups, like /vt/, migrated to other boards. Various altchans are trying/tried to catch some of the flock of users that got lost, but i doubt it will get anywhere, since soyjak party for example was struggling with just the influx of users that came for the hack thread given its poor infrastructure. Kiwifarms saw a surge of new accounts apparently, but a lot of anons kinda loathe the idea of having to register, so theres that.

Smaller communities, such as generals that didn't get a lot of traffic, or boards on the slower end (say, /ic/, /lit/, etc) will probably vanish or disseminate until (or if) 4chan comes back up. I'd say give it a month, don't get your hopes up whether you want it to stay dead or want it to come back.

Given how many anons are staying on places like /ghost/ or other similar archives with the same ghost posting feature, i doubt it will be as bad as people are making it sound. Besides, the communities that are most likely to migrate to places like tumblr are either /co/, /vg/ or /lgbt/ refugees, which aren't THAT bad. Not every board was like the main cesspools (/b/, /r9k/, /pol/).

From now on, either 4chan comes back up in a few weeks (somewhere between 2 weeks to a month is expected), altchans capture the migrating anons, or a brand new imageboard rises from the ashes to become the new go-to site for old 4chan posters.

In conclusion, nothing ever happens, but also don't worry, chances are this won't affect tumblr in the slightest. If it does, you can cash in your "you were wrong" ticket whenever you want, i'll take the L.

As a footnote, keep in mind: NO users were compromised, if you ever posted there and are worried for your safety, physical or digital, you are safe.

Edit: Forgot to add, if you are a 4chan refugee, im BEGGING you to dm me and tell what board you were from and where are you migrating, if at all.

[soothsayerditty]

wasn't supossed to be a post but i really like those! therefore huzzah! lambs based on fleeces be upon ye

i was gonna ramble about their desings but i ended up wrtiting short descriptions instead. read below if you dare!

it is said that lord of fates' words are fate itself, unable to be changed.

they always have hounds of fate floating around them, even though they are skilled with a dagger. you never truly know what the future has in store for you,,,

their wool seems to always have red stains. their followers theorized that twas' their own blood.

but ichor isn't red.

(they were supossed to be more based on the jacob sheep but i only ended up using their horns for inspiration :P)

leader of blue hearts is a lover! not a fighter. at least with their followers. they seem to favour the rite of lust.

ever since the bishops' death, they mostly spend their time throwing rituals at every available moment,,,what a kind leader!

but whenever they think they're alone,,, they seem to mutter strange words to themselves,,, purgatory , god tears , some strange sellers?

i guess i'll have to ask them later about it, i'm about to go on a mission!

(blue used to be the color associated with lust! it works. also they're based on the lincoln sheep. they;re cute.)

diseased beast is a simple creature. openly displaying their intentions with their looks alone.

they're known as the local hunter. dropping acid on their enemies when they're not looking,,,

some consider it a cheap and an off-putting method. but they're not around long enough to spread their word.

sometimes the sound of silence is payment enough,,,

seems like golden greed's fleece merged with their body. i don't think that's supossed to happen,,,

they tend to have their gauntlets on most of the time. always ready to strike anyone down!

afterall, everyone is just waiting to get the drop on them,,,right?

you can't trust anyone! these followers,,,those vendors,,,

even that damned seller! anyone,,,

(the gauntlets were supossed to be the godly kind, but there was too much yellow. so much yellow.)

(they were also supossed to have more jewelry on them buuuut i drew these in 1000x1000 squares and it would look like a mess from afar.)

ah? it seems like a critter of curses is near.

they wield their cleansing fire and flaming shots with careful grace.

but the moment you let your guard down, is the moment you burn!

their fleece is made of any leaves they find on their crusades.

they're not much interested in running their cult. but they do come around to share their spoils and talk about anything that might've crossed their path.

even if that happens to be things that shan't be discussed with mortal minds,,,

[strangersteddierthings]

Platonic Stobin bodyswap AU idea I'll never write. This has been in my drafts for over a year (since July 2023 per the timestamp)

Post season 3; During the season 3 bathroom confession scene Robin came out to Steve, and Steve came out to her. She knows he's bi, and she's the only one who knows. Swap starts off slowly for Steve and Robin. Little moments of vertigo where the world doesn't look right for a few seconds, that progresses to black out periods of time spanning 5-15 minutes. It's them switching bodies but it's so traumatizing (they are FREAKING out) that they don't remember it. So, it's like they're just losing moments in time, which still freaks them out.

Then one day they wake up and they're... each other. And they just don't go back.

And Steve can't really pass as Robin to her parents but thankfully they just blame it on 'moody teenage angst' and "you can talk to us about anything babygirl we love you so much and we're here when you need us." Which. Yeah, Steve cries about. But it also comes with the side of GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I HAVE TO FINISH HIGH SCHOOL AGAIN??? I CAN'T PLAY THE TRUMPET ROBIN YOU HAVE TO DROP OUT OF BAND

And Robin also cannot pass as Steve at first, but she gets to see how that matters exactly 0% because the Harrington's don't even notice. They also aren't around near as much as Steve makes them out to be. But she does get to enjoy the freedom of a legal drivers license and no job currently. HOWEVER she has walked Steve's pretty face into several doors/poles/walls because cute girls keep looking at her with hunger in their eyes and she doesn't know how to handle this.

(It makes more girls interested in a suddenly shy, stumbling, nervous Steve because those girls think they're the reason Confident Sex God Steve turns into a mess but really it's just Robin not knowing how to exist in a world where woman want her and fish fear her (sorry bad joke))

Anyway, queue shenanigannary for a bit. Steve encourages Robin to go on dates because why not get some practice in while they wait to swap back again? (he's holding out hope)

Do they have the awkward discussion of 'what are the limits to what I'm allowed to do in your body????? I dunno yet.

Anyway, Robin goes on dates. ((Does she end up going on a date with Vickie? Canonically Vickie's got no problem dating older boys? How to solve this plot line for when(if?) they switch back bodies? IDK dudes, that's Future Jess's issue.))

At some point, the gang finds out. Probably Dustin realizing Steve isn't as Steve-like as usual. He'd sniff out something was wrong with his brother for sure.

But then season 4 starts. Robin taught Steve how to play the trumpet back in August/Sept and it's then they realize that they kind of share their knowledge? Like... Steve picks up how to play the trumpet EASY. At first they think it's just Robin's body using muscle memory but then Robin realizes she knows things only Steve should.

Anyway, Steve is in band with Vickie the night of the Championshipgame, chatting easily while also trying to hint that 'Hey, I think Steve Harrington is checking you out???" while trying to tell Robin with telepathy (that they don't have... yet? Decide if they end up with telepathy later) to try and subtly check out Vickie. But neither girl is subtle so they both just whip around to stare at each other and Steve is facepalming.

NO WAIT. DO I MAKE CHANGES TO THE NARRATIVE BECAUSE IF STEVE IS IN HIGH SCHOOL AGAIN, THERE IS NO WAY HE'D LET DUSTIN AND MIKE SKIP OUT ON THE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME. Maybe??? Will decide on this point later. Until then, above points stay.

Anyway, Chrissy still dies (sorry) and Eddie's still on the run, but like this time in the boathouse, Robin invites Eddie to stay at 'his' big empty house 'cause the parents are gone and Robin has no hangups about Eddie like Steve did in canon (he is the first person we hear call Eddie The Freak).

The end point here is that Robin, Steve, and Eddie spend A LOT of time together at Steve's house and then the angst falls in because Steve starts to fall in love with Eddie.

So, he has a breakdown in a bathroom with Robin about it, all sad and crying like "I really fuckin' like him Robs, but I can't- there- we can't-"

"I need you to take a breath and tell me what the issue is," Robin says.

"I like him Robs, but this is your body. I can't take things from you. Like your first kiss. And I certainly can't- I won't put your body through... you know. I can't do that to you."

And it takes Robin a moment to process what he means. Romantic entanglements that Steve might want to have would have to happen with her body. And maybe Robin isn't sure what to say/do because the thought of a guy and his dick anywhere near her body immediately freaks her out but... she's not in her body. She's in Steves, and has been doing things with girls in it. It never occurred to her that Steve might want to get hot and heavy with a guy in her body and maybe she's got something to unpack there???

Anyway, no time to worry about that. Vecna's gonna kill Max so they gotta go. Also, Eddie does NOT know about the body swap.

She does tell Steve to kiss Eddie, though, in the end. When they're not sure they'll live. So, Eddie calls out to Steve. "Make him pay." So, to Eddie, it looks like Steve gives him a nod and it's Robin who marches up, grabs his face, and plants one on him. Robin(Steve) doesn't stick around long enough for Eddie to kiss back (Steve wants him to because he wants a proper kiss from Eddie, but he also doesn't want him to because Eddie thinks he's kissing Robin and if he kisses back it means he likes Robin, not Steve, so Steve doesn't lock lips long enough find out).

Something something they all survive and then Eddie, hopped up on pain meds in the hospital, demands to speak to Robin. So, Steve slinks in, afraid of what's going to happen, and Eddie's like 'Robin. I appreciate that you like me but you are unfortunately a girl and I am not into that.' And Steve is like!!! my time!! It's come!!! I HAVE to get back to my body.

And then at some point they switch back. Maybe El doing some mind fuckery? Idk.

And for fun, here's the beginning of the fic that idea written out:

"Whoa," Steve blinks rapidly as the world tilts and shifts. It's very sudden, and over just as quickly as it started, but it still leaves Steve unanchored for a moment. It was probably brought on by the concussion he's been nursing these last two days, since the whole Starcourt shit. He leans sideways to try and use the wall as an anchor until everything feel right again.

He should, probably, be more concerned about this because this has been like, the fourth time this has happened and when he told Robin about it, she confessed it was happening to her, too. That Owens guy had told them there could be unknown side effects to whatever the fuck they'd been injected with and this might just be part of that. It'll fade, Steve's sure, as the days go on. Never mind that it has been happening more lately. It's going to fade. It has to.

Except, it doesn't. The sensation of be unanchored gets worse, and now it comes accompanied with loss of time. Steve will feel the tilt and shift while standing in the doorway to his room and the next thing he knows he's got a hand on his front door, keys in his hand, and doesn't know where he was trying to go.

Ring Ring

Steve shakes his head, shakes away the feeling of wrongness and goes to answer the phone. "Harrington residence, Steve speaking."

"Steve! Steve, it's getting worse!" Robin's voice sobs at him from the other end of the phone. "I-I was in the kitchen and then I was, like, huddled in the bathroom and I don't remember going there."

"Fuck, me too. I just came to standing at my front door, about to leave but I don't remember getting there, or where I was planning to go," Steve confesses back. It's strange, how easily Robin has become a part of his life. He was expecting her to not want to be withing five miles of him ever again, after what he got her dragged into, but it seems Robin isn't scared away. Perhaps it's just that he's the only other person she knows who went through Russian torture. Even if that is the case, Steve'll take it. He likes Robin a lot.

"Should we... call Dr. Owens?" Robin sounds so small when she asks.

"I don't want to," Steve confesses but doesn't elaborate. Calling Dr. Owens means admitting that something is wrong wrong. Steve doesn't want anything to be that wrong. He wants to get back to his life. He's got to get back to job searching, too, and Dr. Owens might deny him that.

[tossawary]

The longer I sit on and look back at it, the more I unfortunately dislike "Star Trek: Discovery", especially the episode featuring the Kelpian homeworld. It's been bugging me. Sure, I'm maybe too soft on older ST shows comparatively, which are Trying, but also usually Should Have Known Better even back then; but ST:D happened at a point where the writers DEFINITELY Should Have Known Better, so I'm petty. Like, you have decades of people criticizing "Star Trek" for various reasons, so act like it.

So, spoilers for the Kelpian homeworld episode, because I am going to explain and then complain about it as best that I can remember it. Warning for discussion of character death, suicide, genocide, and non-consensual medical procedures. Long post.

One of the characters on the "Discovery" ship is a Kelpian named Saru, a refugee who escaped an oppressive homeworld and was permitted to join Starfleet. This homeworld is somewhat unique in that it has two sapient species: a prey species, the Kelpians, and a technologically advanced predator species that subjugates them in the name of a "necessary" balance. (I do not recall the name of the second species.)

At some later point in their life, all Kelpians experience something that I'll call Death Puberty. (It has a canonical name, I just don't remember it and this gets the point across to anyone without context.) Saru is not Human, but he is at a stage in his life that is equivalent to Human adulthood. When we first meet him, Saru has yet to undergo Death Puberty, which he believes will cause him to lose his mind and become a danger to everyone around him.

In his society, Death Puberty is when all Kelpians are required to present themselves to the ruling predator species so that they can be killed. It's the Great Balance.

Before we go to the Kelpian homeworld, there's an episode in which the ship encounters a sapient star. The star being emits some sort of signal that causes Saru to enter a premature / induced / unnatural Death Puberty. Saru is so completely convinced that he will go insane after this process that he tries to kill himself for everyone's safety. He persuades another character to kill him; and it's only the process abruptly being completed, apparently without ill effects, at the last possible minute that prevents Saru and his friend from going through with this.

Saru almost immediately concludes that his homeworld's narrative surrounded Death Puberty and the Great Balance is a lie. On one hand, this assumption makes sense, Saru is the one who actually had to experience this lie and surviving Death Puberty sane may have felt like everything clicking into place. Death Puberty also had the side effect of making Saru stronger, more assertive, and less afraid. I don't think it's unreasonable for Saru to feel angry and suspicious, nor was it necessarily unreasonable for him to emotionally jump to conclusions here.

On the other hand, I thought this was a little annoying (this is a really petty nitpick, I know), because Saru is supposedly a scientist. His Death Puberty, which neither he nor Starfleet have had the opportunity to study before, was unnaturally induced prematurely through an encounter with a sapient star, so his experience is presumably unique among his species. "What if my society is built on a horrible lie?" is a good question. I just wish that another character had brought up the uniqueness of the situation to Saru as a consideration, given that the future of a species may be on the line going forward.

So, in a later episode, the ship goes to the Kelpian homeworld to investigate.

Saru does quickly confirm that his society is built on a horrible lie. It turns out that the Kelpians were actually the predator species all along? Death Puberty does not cause insanity and is actually the process by which Kelpians enter their final, deadly form. The other species, which is actually a prey species of the Kelpian predator species, somehow became technologically advanced and created this "Kelpians are the prey species and must adhere to the Great Balance" oppressive setup. Final form Kelpians scare the shit out of them.

(The supposed logistics of evolution here are more than a little silly, but whatever. It's ST. Let's go with it.)

Plot happens and Saru and other characters end up in danger. The other species is more than willing to kill Saru to bury the truth and preserve their deadly lie.

I can't remember the exact order of events here, but somehow, the crew of the "Discovery" decide that the only way to save Saru's life and to forcibly push the truth through is to induce Death Puberty for the entire planet of Kelpians. Which they can somehow feasibly do using the signal they recorded from the star.

Supposedly, this planetwide forced Death Puberty for the Kelpians will scare the other species into backing down or some shit. After all, the other species can't just suddenly cull the entire planet, right?

This is one of those cases where I want to sit ST writers down and ask them: "Hi, what do you think that the in-universe Prime Directive actually means and why it might exist?" I don't know about you, but I think that the Federation probably has rules and regulations against subjecting an entire planet to a medical procedure that they did not consent to? I think that if you violate the bodily autonomy of a single person in that way, Starfleet should haul that captain up in front of a panel and say, "What the fuck??? What the fuck is wrong with you???"

Their solution is to VIOLATE THE BODILY AUTONOMY OF AN ENTIRE PLANET using an UNTESTED MEDICAL PROCEDURE that NOT A SINGLE MEMBER OF THAT SPECIES CONSENTS TO. (Not that a single Kelpian can consent to this on behalf of the entire fucking planet, but you get my point, right?) Ethical fucking nightmare.

This is also one of those situations where I have to put my head into my hands, because FUCK, the science fiction genre is never beating those "you guys sure love a White Savior (derogatory)" (and ST is never beating the "the Federation is just USAmerica in space (derogatory)") allegations at this rate. The "more advanced" and "more enlightened" Federation swooping in and getting to make decisions on behalf of these "less advanced" and "brainwashed" new worlds is essentially what "Deep Space Nine" was criticizing back in the 90s.

This random fucking crew is deciding what happens to these people's BODIES!!! I don't even think there's a doctor on the bridge when this is decided! Not that it would be okay if a doctor signed off on it! You CAN'T just subject people to a medical procedure they can't consent to! And with how often ST tries to say something about eugenics and sapient rights, this action SHOULD BE in-universe explicitly about a hundred different kinds of illegal.

Even if the entire planet of Kelpians sign off on that shit afterwards, it still wouldn't be okay. Everyone involved in making this decision and making it happen should be, at minimum, kicked out of Starfleet, on principle. Someone should be put on trial for this. You don't get to decide what to do with other people's bodies for them.

So, that's a problem. I don't think ST can meaningfully claim to be about seeking a better future if it's going to have a Starfleet ship violate the bodily autonomy of an entire planet without any consequences. But this action just flies casually by as though it's not one of the most hideous things that I've seen anyone do in a ST show.

But, you know, setting aside the violation of the bodily autonomy of an entire planet thing... Let's pretend for a second that this truly is the only option and that the captain of the ship is willing to accept the severe consequences for it... (And there's no opportunity for any other crewmembers to say, "Wait, this is wrong. You can't change people's bodies like this. I can't condone this. And, in fact, am morally obligated to stop you from doing this illegal thing.")

This is still an untested procedure. They don't even know if it will work when they do it. They're forcing a medical procedure on an entire planet and they don't even know whether or not it will work.

They're supposedly using a signal emitted by the sapient star, a remarkably unique being in many ways. There's no guarantee that this one ship will be able to perfectly replicate EVERYTHING that a sapient dying star did to induce Death Puberty in Saru, on a planetwide scale. Death Puberty has not been studied by Starfleet in more than a single individual, who had many unique experiences that his fellow Kelpians cannot have had, so it is not by any means well understood. If they fuck this up in any way, they could kill the entire planet.

Death Puberty is a natural process for Kelpians, occurring later in their lives. There is ZERO discussion of any potential health problems from inducing this change early in Kelpians. This could cause life-long, life-ruining health problems for even adult-equivalent Kelpians, and there is absolutely no mention of infants, of children, of juveniles. For all anyone on this ship knows, trying to induce Death Puberty in every single Kelpian on the planet could cause the agonizing death of every Kelpian child not ready for that process. They don't KNOW. They currently CAN'T know, because they haven't TESTED that.

But, okay, let's pretend that every single Kelpian survives induced Death Puberty with no health problems. The signal miraculously didn't affect child Kelpians at all. It was totally fine.

Remaining Problem: every single Kelpian has been raised to believe that Death Puberty will cause them to go insane and become dangerous.

Saru's initial reaction to going through Death Puberty was to kill himself. He persuaded his own friend to cut his throat before it could finish. His situation was one of unnatural inducement, but he didn't even have them lock him up in a cell to be sure of its ending first; he was CERTAIN.

Upon returning home, before everything goes to shit, Saru learns that his father naturally underwent Death Puberty while he was gone. As is tradition, before the process was complete, Saru's father surrendered himself to the other species and was killed. Kelpians are raised to believe their early deaths are necessary.

I don't think it's unreasonable to assume that the majority of the Kelpian population would panic during planetwide Death Puberty. I don't think it's unreasonable to assume that a significant fraction of the Kelpian population, none of whom know what the fuck is happening, might try to commit suicide or murder-suicide. Even when the process completes quickly and they still feel sane, they might think, "Well, it probably takes a few minutes for murderous insanity to kick in. I had better kill myself while I still have a clear head, as per our planet's accepted spiritual tradition and for the safety of my loved ones."

Parent Kelpians trying to protect their children? Lovers trying to die in each other's arms? Some Kelpians reasoning to themselves: "Well, I'm still sane. But it's my civic duty to off anyone who seems like they're going insane." And the entire planet has just gone through what they understand to be The End Of The World, so everyone is probably panicking and probably seems more than a little insane right now.

Do I think the majority of the planet would turn murderous or suicidal? No. We don't really know enough about the planet to choose hard numbers. But the Kelpians have nevertheless all been raised to believe they need to be culled for the greater good, there was nothing like informed consent happening, and with Saru as our main and only example here, we can be pretty sure that the number of other Kelpians who panicked and died because of that panic is not zero. Personally, I think that the number would be sadly significant.

So, I think that Starfleet is directly responsible for some murders and suicides here. Even if there were no medical issues, which is a big fucking if that I do not believe, you are still up against generations of an oppressive death cult here. If you spring the apocalypse on these poor people, it will be bad. They did not consent to this. They're, according to the worldbuilding here, all going to think that they're dying!!!

And you know what? In this episode, the main characters force Death Puberty on an entire planet, in order to scare the other species into letting the Kelpians be free or something, and it doesn't work. The other species immediately activates the emergency "Explode The Planet" system they had installed, in order to kill all of the final form Kelpians. Inducing Death Puberty just made the other species panic.

So, the captain of the "Discovery" essentially has to threaten the fear-motivated other species into submission, or something. I don't remember how this episode ends exactly. I think that the captain more or less says that destroying the planet with make them the enemies of the Federation and that the Federation is a very scary enemy, scarier than the Kelpians, so it's better to stop this and be the Federation's ally instead. Or something like that.

The other species backs off on destroying the planet and the Kelpians are free, maybe. They all went through Death Puberty and learned they were living a horrible lie, so they have a lot to work out. No mention of health side effects or panicked suicides, but I don't believe that these consequences didn't happen out of an entire planet of potential bad reactions.

And no one on the "Discovery" suffers any serious consequences for forcing an untested medical procedure on an entire planet conditioned to view it as being worse than dying. I know that the other species wasn't really open to friendly dialogue and there was a time crunch of sorts, but I still think "blustering the enemy into backing down by threatening them" should have been attempted maybe a few more times, before the "violate the bodily autonomy of an entire planet with an untested medical procedure that will make them think they're going insane" option. I think maybe that's not okay to do to a single Kelpian, much less an entire planet of Kelpians, even if Saru's life was on the line, actually.

"The ends justify the means" is another thing that past "Star Trek" has repeatedly criticized. It's especially insulting to have the characters do this shit without any of them bringing up any of the potential risks in their stupid, condescending plan. I want to like these characters, but shallow writing like this makes me hate them. It makes all of Starfleet look like hypocrites. They're supposed to be scientists??? No one here has taken an ethics class, apparently.

They really just... forced an entire planet through Death Puberty, potentially killing or hurting any Kelpians who weren't ready for that, probably killing a significant number of Kelpians who didn't know what was happening and panicked, even though they didn't know whether or not it would work and could have killed everyone, and nearly got all the Kelpians killed anyway. This clusterfuck should be both against countless Starfleet regulations and EXTREMELY illegal under Federation law. But we can file this under a "whoopsie daisy!" because the professionals involved panicked and meant well?

Fuck off. Awful episode. They definitely killed a significant number of innocent people here, even if they didn't show those deaths because the writers apparently didn't think about the obvious medical and social risks, and what these characters did to the Kelpians wouldn't be okay even if everyone miraculously lived. Don't mess with other people's bodies???

[gadriezmannsgirl]

Ok in honor of the new boyfriend selfie ruben posted, can u pls write something about him as a boyfriend. Like him being really needy to his gf, sending her silly pics like that when they’re away, and being very clingy and constantly needing affection from the gf when they are finally at home together

Here it is! Hope you like it, please let me know!😌

Needy, Cute and Manly Boyfriend -R.D3

Summary: He loves having your attention

You couldn't help but smile at your phone. Your 3 years boyfriend, Rúben sent you a pic of himself and your dog, Simba. You instantly replied with a quick "my baby's😍❤️. Love you both so much"

Soon Rúben sent another selfie, this one only of himself, at the bottom there was a text "What time you'll be home? I miss you"

You were going to reply but were interrupted by a call from you boyfriend, you quickly answered it.

"Meu amor" He said "I miss you"

"I miss you too, babe; but I still have another class to go, I'll be out in about an hour and a half, after that I'm all yours"

"You already are mine"

"Well yes but you know what I mean" Rúben chuckles

"Let me know, I'll pick go and pick you up"

"Thanks, Rú. But there's no need, Lisa can give me a ride home, you're pretty tired baby, have some rest"

"None of that. You said an hour and a half, right? I'll be there"

"You're so stubborn"

"Teimoso e tudo mas é assim que me amas" (Stubborn and everything but that's how you love me)

You smile nodding "That I do" You blow him a kiss "I need to go to class right now but I'll text you as soon as I'm done, handsome"

"You do that, bonita" (beautiful) He blows a kiss into the phone "Eu amo-te, amor"

"Love you too, baby. See ya later" and with that you hung up the call and entered your class.

After what felt like an eternity you went out discussing some points with your best friend.

"But it doesn't matter if we are different mentions?"

"I don't think so to be honest"

"And what about that neurology oratory? You're planning on going?" You nod

"Dr. Jones will do it and I think it will be good, you know? He's one of the best out here and it'll fantastic if I can do my internships in his hospital"

"You're good, you will do!" She nudges your shoulder

"We don't know about that, I need to be the first one in class"

"As if you aren't?" You gave her a look before she smirked "Prince charming's here for you" You turned around to see a very well known Ferrari and your boyfriend leaning up against the car with a cap on his head. "See ya, girl!" Lisa hugged you over your shoulders, kissed you cheek and let you go

"See ya, Li" You smiled at her before walking up to your boyfriend. "Hello"

"Hello, meu Amor" You quickly gave him a kiss on his lips, his hands went over to your waist pulling you closer "Let's go home?" You nod with a smile on.

He kisses your cheek before opening the door for you and helping you get in.

You push your backpack to the backseat and wait for Rúben to start the car.

"How was your day, querida?" (Darling) He asks, his hand going straight to your thigh

"It was good! We did a pop quiz, teacher told us to go out whenever we finished and at the end he gave us the results right there and then"

"How did it go?"

"Amazing!" You smile widely "I absolutely rubbed my full grade into his face"

"Is that professor the one you told me about?" You hum "What was his nickname? Doc. Mean?" You hum

"He's just awful" He laughs "And he looks exactly like Emmet Brown"

"The doc from Back to the Future?" You nod and Rúben squeezes your thigh laughing "He does look like him"

"Awful" You laugh with him as you watch how he changes the route to your house "You need to go somewhere?"

"We are going somewhere" He put emphasis to the we

"Where are we going then?"

"To get some burgers"

"You don't eat them"

"But you do" He shrugs "I can have a little cheat day"

"You having a cheat day?" Rúben looks at you during a red light "What did you do to my boyfriend?"

"No. What did you do to me? I never break a diet until you came around"

"So I'm at fault?"

"More or less, you love burgers and I love you. Having a burger once in a while won't kill me"

"It better not. I'll be a widow even before getting married"

"That's definitely something we don't want"

"Definitely not" You grip his hand with one of yours and hug his arm with the other "Can you also get me a?" -

"Double meat, double cheese burger with extra fries and a chocolate chip cookie? I know"

"I know you know... But I wanted-"

"An iced caramel mocha?" You look at him narrowing your eyes

"You know me"

"I have to, tu és a minha menina" (you're my girl) you smiled feeling him leaning over the console to kiss you quickly. He rolled down the window and greeted the worker before ordering.

A few minutes later, both of you were on your way back to your house, singing and humming along the songs on your shared playlist.

"Gonna take a quick shower, I'll be back in ten" You said as soon as you got inside, however Simba made it difficult for you, he wanted his attention. "You're my babyboy but you gotta let me go and take a shower, baby"

"Simba, I'm the only one who can jump on her!" You heard Rúben's voice inside the kitchen and then you heard the blender go on

"Dad's jealous. You're my baby" You kissed his fourry face.

"Weren't you going to shower?"

"I'm giving my baby love"

"You don't need to give Simba that much of love, you can give it to me"

"Are you jealous of a dog?"

"Pufff!" He gave you a look "Obviously yes. I'm supposed to be the only one you give your love and attention to"

"You are. But also is Simba" You kissed the dog's head once again

"Nonono!" His cries made you laugh "Simba, get off!"

"He likes the attention way too much"

"Even I do if it's yours!" You break in laughter

"You know I'll give you all my attention after I shower and eat?"

"What are you waiting for to do that?" He asks making you laugh more

"You are so jealous of your dog"

"I am!"

"Please don't take it in the wrong way but you're so needy, I love it"

"I'm not needy"

"És tão giro" (You're so cute) You said in between giggles

"Sou um homem viril, não sou giro" (I'm a manly man, I'm not cute)

"You are both, actually"

"Go take a shower, I'll set something up so we can watch while we eat and you love on me"

"Sounds like a deal" Rúben smiled before turning around to the kitchen "Hey" You call him as he turns

"What?"

You grab his hand and pull him down so you could kiss his lips softly "My needy, cute and manly boyfriend"

°°° °°° °°° °°°

taglist: @gaviymarcsbride @stuckinaf4nfiction @elijahslover @azzpenswrld @http-isabela

[vidorgoggles]

Weird misconceptions regarding Terra Grayson and Marky Murphy

(TW: Spoilers from some of the last issues of the Invincible comic, and references to a SA plotline)

Hey there.

I unfortunately don't use this blog a lot, man. But today we've got a curious think to speak about, 'cause this is really a case to study of how a fandom can collectively create some fanfic and turn it canon in their heads lmao.

Outside of jokes, this is a post about two characters who debut in the later part of the Invincible comic, the children of Mark: Terra Grayson and Markus 'Marky' Murphy.

These two are secondary characters in the part of the comic they appear in, but obviously get focus for being part of the Grayson family. If you ask me, I dig them both.

Terra is generally a fun character with her violent child antics, and it's thanks to her that we can get my favourite moments of the comic: Mark being a dad! ❤️

(Remember, child Terra loves violence)

Marky, on the other hand, unfortunately suffers from being related to a certain plotline of the comic, which I am not going to mention because everyone knows about it due to it being the most common spoiler. I want to speak a little bit more of that plotline another day, but since it's not the subject of this post I'll do a quick tldr: I generally find it very underdeveloped and I also think it's overhyped by the fandom due to morbidness, even though I understand why it's conceptually important for some people and respect their feelings.

But, apart from that, Marky is a character who had some good moments in the two final issues, and that has a lot of potential which I would like to see explored, if only in possible one-shots in the future or fanfics.

Now, since both Terra and Marky are characters from the final issues of the story, there are many random YouTube shorts and the likes spreading misconceptions about them (happens with everything related to the final issues, trust me). I consider it a real shame, since, as I have said, both characters are interesting to me, and I really would prefer the vision the fandom has of them to be as little tamed as possible. That's the reason why I have decided to make this post.

With that introduction done, let's go to the misconceptions:

'Terra hates Marky'

To explain to anyone who doesn't know the context: in the final issue of the series, after certain events end in Mark becoming the ruler of the (reformed) Viltrumites and deciding to leave Earth, Marky stays in the planet alongside his family for reasons I will explain later (it's related to other misconception). A particular consequence of this is that Terra and Marky grow up in different planets, although Mark and his family still visit Earth occasionally. During the final issue, Terra's whole life from childhood to adulthood is shown in two pages:

And since we don't see much of Terra and Marky's relationship afterwards (because unfortunately, even if I like them, they're just not much developed characters due to how rushed the final issues are), people have just assumed her opinion on Marky never changed.

I just don't think this is the story's intention: Terra is purposely being framed as immature (like any child) in many these panels. Of course a heated child would be mean, but that doesn't mean they would do the same as a fully grown adult.

Now, I think something that fuels this misconception is the reader's point of view. We know that later in the story Marky is very emotionally affected due to discovering the way he was conceived, so knowing that, in retrospective, 'He's not my brother!' seems like a bigger deal than it actually is. But in-story, neither Terra nor Marky knew of that by that point. Hell, we see Marky's reaction to Terra's words: he's just mildly annoyed, because the comic just sees this as what it is, a children's discussion.

And here Marky is also mean to her other half-sister, Molly. Do we assume he hates her for all his life too?

Now, if I may guess about Terra's feelings about Marky as an adult. I just don't think they know each other that much. They have grown apart, in literally different planets. She isn't close to him, but I don't think she hates him. I think this is supported by the next time she meets him in the comic: she barely recognizes him and calls him by his full name, Markus. To me, this just expresses distance between them.

And Terra and Marky not feeling close to one another is just very logical when one thinks about it. They were both raised in different planets, by different families, of course they would be distant. Terra's 'He's not my brother!' is the mean child version of expressing that idea to the public, in my eyes, not the setup for a life-long hatred.

'Marky hates Terra'

This one has some truth to it, to be fair, but I still think some people ignore any and all nuance about it.

In the final issue of the comic, this (unfortunately not followed on) moment happens just after the prior page:

Where yes, Marky heavily implies he is jealous towards Terra. However, I feel people in the fandom generally fail to take into account that the moment lets very clear this is far from Marky's most emotionally stable moment. Hell, he's saying far worse things about himself than about Terra. And he's also clearly regretful about many things he's done and said right afterwards.

Marky does have some negative emotions towards Terra? Yes (although not even that strong, again, he's feeling worse about himself). Do they stay there when he's calm and cold-headed? It's up to us to decide, but given that the last panel tells us that Mark and Marky are going to deal with their trauma and heal with time, I would like to think Marky just abandoned them eventually in any case.

'Mark abandoned Marky on Earth'

I especially blame the comic itself for this one.

One could start thinking this is related to a delicate subject, and perhaps start a discussion about forced parenthood, reactions to trauma or something similar. I may like to talk about how the comic handles those issues one day (I think it has problems related to that), but don't worry, today it won't be necessary.

Remember when I said Marky stayed on Earth for plot reasons? Well, those reasons are that his adoptive (and real) father, Scott Murphy, wanted to stay on Earth when Mark decided that the Viltrumites should leave Earth:

Mark himself expresses that he wanted Marky and his family to come with him, but he had to respect Scott's decision or else he would be literally kidnapping them:

And by the way, if you wonder, at this point of the comic Mark isn't that uncomfortable being around Marky. He lets him play in his house in the page above. Before he was also perfectly fine personally explaining him everything about Viltrumites (Marky didn't know beforehand) and afterwards he takes his time to say goodbye to him and his family:

And look, Mark is a flawed character (and I love him for that), but if I have to defend him and say he did the right choice in something, is in this. He didn't abandon anyone, he allowed Marky to live with the man who raised him before Mark was even able to know Marky existed, the one who Marky himself rightfully calls his real dad.

Now, you may be wondering where Marky's abandonment issues come from then? Well, Mark started visiting Earth far less at one point. I think the implications of issue 144 are a simple 'he's very busy', although I would like to think things like the fact that Debbie, William and more people must have died by the point Mark and Marky fight has something to do with him not wanting to visit Earth anymore. We can assume that a Marky with self-esteem issues due to learning how he was born and with no context of why Mark left him on Earth would (wrongfully) assume it was his fault, especially taking into account that by that point in time Scott and Debbie must be dead. Again, I wish this was more developed than it is in the actual comic.

Unfortunately, the comic fails to remind anyone of all the facts I have mentioned in the pages after the Mark and Marky fight, so of course people just take Marky's words in those pages at face value despite them being contradicted in the very same issue 144.

'Terra is an spoiled brat'

This one's just curious to me. It may be because I have a particular definition of 'spoiled', I guess, but I just fail to see this.

Mark doesn't really 'spoil' Terra in my eyes, to be honest. And I am not saying this to deny the flaws of a character I like or anything, he's far from a perfect character and I love him that way, but I just genuinely don't see this.

Terra's childhood is a pretty regular first world childhood with loving parents to me. I don't see how Mark lacks any discipline or is irresponsible as a father. In the two pages I have shown that sum up Terra's life, we can see him doing basic parenthood stuff like denying her things she shouldn't have (those adorable lava puppies), telling her things she needs to do (him telling her to learn how to fight would be the equivalent of an irl parent telling their children to do their homework) or scolding her when she's being immature (when she's mean to Marky).

I don't know, if someone wants to give me reasons for this, I'll listen, because nothing I have heard about this really convinces me.

'Terra never suffered/faced any difficulty in her life'

Um. Objectively incorrect statement, I don't what I can say about it lol.

Well, I lied. When discussing about this, I was told once 'But it was only this, though', because she was being compared to Marky, so trauma olympics I guess. I will elaborate more why this weird competition some people make up between Marky and Terra goes against the core themes of the comic at the end, but for now let's move on.

'Terra hates her father'

Alright, so at the end of the comic there's a certain conflict started by the Coalition Of Planets against Mark's Viltrum Empire:

And we later get to see Terra's reaction to it:

Which yes, feels like an underdeveloped (I know I am saying that a lot about events here, but it's just true lmao) father-daughter conflict, which I think is not very interesting due to how little it matters.

However, I can confidently say that people assuming Terra hates her father over this are just wrong. In fact, this conflict it's solved in the very next pages.

And even in Terra's page with Ursaal you can tell she feels bad for disagreeing with Mark due to her mannerisms and facial expressions, so this is just a little not much relevant part of the story blown out of proportion by some people lol.

It's even a little infuriating for me because, as I have mentioned, Mark relationship with Terra is one of my favourite things about the story, so I really dislike how YouTube Shorts and the likes spread misconceptions about it.

'Terra and Marky will compete to see who succeeds Mark as the ruler of the Viltrumites'

None of them seems even particularly interested in doing so from my point of view. Terra has issues with the way the Empire is going, shown by her page with Ursaal, and Marky spent his entire childhood light years away from them.

If you ask me, there may not even be a future ruler of the Viltrumites. Mark had to take the responsibility after his father's death because Nolan feared that without someone guiding them in the ways of compassion, they may fall in their old ways again. After Mark's rule, with a new generation of Viltrumites led in the right direction, they may not need a single ruler anymore.

But outside of personal readings, I have seen that people spreading this misconception usually prefer Marky to be the successor, which leads me to my final point.

Closing thoughts

The ending of the Invincible comic, with its many, many flaws, it's overall heartwarming and usually satisfying to me, but I think some people fail to see why.

It's not a happy ending because Mark has become stronger. It's not a happy ending because he's now a ruler. That's a responsibility, not a prize, and not even one he wanted to have before Nolan told him. It's a happy ending because he is trying to make things better, and because he's happy with his family despite all the difficulties he has faced.

And I point this out because it's important to understand why I am really annoyed by these misconceptions.

Some people have seen Marky, a clearly traumatized young man, and the answers they have for it is: give him something he can win. They want him to become the ruler of the Viltrumites, and may as well do it by winning an imaginary competition against his mean, spoiled half-sister who always had everything while he had nothing, never suffered a day of her life and is also ungrateful to everything her father does for her (I really hope I have showed why it's much more nuanced than that in this post).

Despite how little screen time it gets, the comic already has an answer to Marky's trauma, what he needs: time, healing. While the comic didn't manage to develop it nearly as much as I would want, I just hope people can see it once this misconceptions are gone (hopefully when the show reaches this point of the comic).

[bellaxgiornata]

Congrats Bella!!! From one mama to another - what are your headcannons for Matt and Frank with a pregnant partner and how do they adjust to fatherhood (again in Frank’s circumstance)?

Thank you!! 💕And ohhh boy, do I have THOUGHTS on this topic for Matt and Frank in particular. Some of the thoughts about Matt you'll see bits of in Seeking Forgiveness and even more in future installments of FFTD (like way later for that series), and the ones for Frank I've wanted to include in a possible second part to You're Body is Not a Graveyard or something else entirely because there is a lot that can be discussed. Of course, I'll put everything below the cut (and y'all can keep sending things in from my celebration post here).

Matt Murdock Adjusting to Fatherhood

From the very beginning, right after initially finding out you were pregnant, Matt would absolutely be internally beating himself up. That man would be thinking he's going to fail as a father right from the start because despite all Matt's cocky confidence, he's got a lot of self-loathing and insecurities going on under the surface. And if you were having a boy? You can guarantee that comment about the Murdock boys having the Devil in them would be in his head constantly.

But despite that, the very first moment he hears the baby's heartbeat would bring him to his knees. That rapid, fluttering sound would become one of his favorites instantly. Because despite his fear of failing you and baby, knowing that child was his would have him feeling a love he's never experienced before. Especially with how much and how long he has been feeling alone in the world after his father's passing, knowing that baby was his family would be a very big deal to Matt and would often leave him indescribably emotional.

With his heightened senses, Matt would become bonded to baby quicker than most fathers generally are before birth. He would always be checking in on baby's heartbeat, zeroing in on the sound of baby's movements as they grew bigger, and even the way he'd be feeling their movements over your stomach would be an entirely different experience for him with his sense of touch. You'd definitely catch him occasionally grinning to himself in the apartment or while you were out because of something he was listening to baby doing. 

When it came time for baby to be born, the man would be in a panic getting you to the hospital. It would be almost comical to see, making it seem like he was the one about to give birth with how he was acting. But really? He would be hearing every painful contraction you were suffering through with his senses, suffering through each one with you in his own way because he hated seeing you in pain and not being able to help. He'd be having a hard time trying to keep himself in check in the hospital while you gave birth, his senses making the entire experience terrifying for him, but he'd do his best to be there for you. 

Once baby was born, Matt would be all about the skin to skin. He would shed his shirt and want to hold the baby as soon as you'd give him the chance. And that newborn smell? With his nose it would be something even more amazing to Matt–a very big dopamine hit for him. 

Back home, he would do his best to help out with baby despite feeling like he was in over his head. But he would quickly realize he was amazing at anticipating what baby needed with his heightened senses, knowing when they were hungry or tired or needed a diaper usually right before they even started to cry. 

But Matt would still be going out as Daredevil in the evenings. Despite his fear of leaving his own child fatherless through his actions (like his own father), it still wouldn't be something he could give up. Though he'd do his best to compromise with you about it all. But admittedly, he'd always have a part of himself distracted, keeping an ear out for anything going on back home. Because as much as he loves Hell's Kitchen, his own child would ultimately come first.

Frank Castle Adjusting to Fatherhood for a Second Time

Frank would initially have a hard time discussing starting a family with you after everything he'd been through with losing the family he thought he'd always have. But deep down, he'd ultimately know that's what he wanted with you. Not a do-over or a replacement family, but a chance at being happy again, of feeling that love he once felt instead of the empty, hollow space in his chest.

Finding out you were pregnant would be a mix of emotions for him. He'd be crying on the bedroom floor with you when you brought him that positive pregnancy test. Tears of joy at the new life already growing within you, but also tears of a deep, indescribable grief at the memory of the first time Maria had told him the very same thing.

He would attend every OB appointment you asked him to come to. Every ultrasound he would be right there holding your hand, fighting tears as he watched his baby's movements up on the screen. And every time he heard the baby's heartbeat when they checked would be like the first time all over again, a wave of relief crashing over him to hear that sound and to know everything was okay. Because deep down he'd always be terrified of another loss.

Frank would be going out of his way for you during your pregnancy. You're craving a cheeseburger or cookie dough ice cream at midnight? You can guarantee he'd be out the door getting it for you. Your feet are sore or swollen or your back was killing you? He'd be demanding you sit down, kick your feet up, and let him give you a massage. You're throwing up because of horrible morning sickness? He'd be right there holding your hair back without a word, bringing you your toothbrush and some mouthwash afterwards.

But that doesn't mean you wouldn't find Frank occasionally sitting outside in the backyard or on the edge of your bed alone and crying. Mourning the loss of Lisa and Frank Jr. along with Maria. Because the pain of that would never leave him, something you'd long since understood. There would certainly be times you'd be the one silently offering him comfort while he struggled with his grief being painfully brought back to the surface during the entire experience.

On lazy days and late nights, you'd be sitting with Frank, your cheeks aching from how hard you were smiling as you listened to him talk to your growing bump. His large hand would be affectionately resting atop it, and if baby managed to hit or kick him? He'd chuckle and happily accept the interruption.

When it came time for you to give birth, you can absolutely believe that man on the outside would look completely calm and in charge. He'd have the hospital bags packed and in hand while guiding you to the car. He'd stay awake with you through labor, no matter how many hours it lasted, and getting you whatever you needed. He'd be there calmly talking to you and doing what he could to ease your mind. But internally? He'd be panicking. Terrified of something going wrong, afraid God or someone would punish him for the things he's done and take both of you away from him in one fell swoop. And if that happened, he'd believe he deserved it, too.

But once baby was born and he was assured that you were both perfectly safe and healthy, he'd be pulling off his shirt and accepting his newborn from your arms. And he would be a hysterical, bawling mess as he held that tiny baby in his big arms. Whenever he could finally get the tears to lessen, you'd be hearing him promise that baby a million things with the biggest, watery smile on his face.

Despite Frank still having quiet moments of grief that you'd catch him trying to hide from you, moments where he'd be mentally reliving experiences from his past that still hurt him, he would be present for absolutely everything with you and baby. Diaper blowouts, late night runs to the store for formula, burping baby over his shoulder and being entirely unfazed by baby spitting up all over himself. Every cry in the middle of the night would wake him and he'd be right there, doing whatever needed to be done without a single word of complaint no matter how exhausted he was.

Frank would internally have long since made a vow to protect both you and baby no matter what, and he'd take that vow very seriously. But he'd also vow to never miss or not appreciate a single moment this time around--a smile, a first word, first steps. He'd be there for it all. And you'd certainly never catch him miss an opportunity to read them a bed time story to sleep every single night.

I could certainly go on with way more, but then this post would be massive 😅 These are just a few of my thoughts about these two as fathers!

[decepti-thots]

The Transformers Fic Rec community!

With Tumblr rolling out its Community function in beta, I'm jumping in to experiment with whether it's a good platform for an old idea I had to run some kind of fic rec event/feed for Transformers. Because I miss when fic rec communities were a bigger thing in fandom!

What is it?

So first off, communities are a new Beta feature Tumblr is rolling out which allows members to post and reblog to semi-public, curated feeds here on Tumblr. (If you were around when Livejournal was a thing, or use Dreamwidth, it brings a little of the way comms work(ed) on those platforms over here.)

Posts made to the community are visible when you visit it, but don't go into the wider public search. You can comment on and react to posts, and members can reblog posts from elsewhere on Tumblr into the community. The idea is for this to be a dedicated little feed you can proactively check and post to when looking for fic recs and related discussion, somewhere between a forum and a blog feed! Slower and more public than a Discord server, but more curated and targeted than just throwing stuff out there. I also hope to start doing fic rec theme/challenge weeks on there at some point, if I can get things going!

The community will be 18+ only, due to it accepting mature and explicit fic recs. Users will need to have some kind of indication on their blog they are an adult to join. A set of basic guidelines is on the new community page as the pinned post for now and can be read before choosing to join if you like.

So how do I join?

At the moment, communities are invite-only while the beta testing continues. (They are currently working on letting admins use invite links to let people join, hopefully very soon.) This means that if you would like to request to join, you will need to send me an ask so I can add you. (Or comment on this post, or... you get the idea. You have to ask me.) In the future, you'll be able to request to join yourself. As mentioned above, this community is 18+, and blogs that do not verify you are eighteen or older will not be added. (Unless I know you, I guess? But otherwise: say you're old, please, lmao.)

Anyway. Check out the community here and if you want in, hit me up! I'll go make some example posts sometime later today or tomorrow, probably. :) Let's get the ball rolling! (And if you have any suggestions and/or feedback, let me know if you want, I'm all ears.)

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Steph, do you have any "there was only one bed" recs?

Hi Lovely!

Ahhh, not SPECIFICALLY "only one bed" but I do have a LOT of "Bed sharing" fics where the majority of them are "victims of circumstances" so in turn Share A Bed, LOL. And because I need a list for today, I'm using your list to put out the next part that doesn't have much but I did go through my MFL list to pad it out a bit. For those, I whittled down that section to fics specifically tagged with "one bed" LOL, so check that section out to get more closer to what you're looking for.

If anyone has some fics to share that are SPECIFICALLY One Bed, please do!!!! One of these days I will properly sit down and go through all my bookmarks, and then I'll filter those out from these lists.

BED SHARING Pt. 7

See also:

The Speckled Blonde / BedSharing

BedSharing Pt. 2 and Insecure Sherlock

Bed Sharing Pt. 3

Bed Sharing Pt. 4 

Bed Sharing Pt. 5

Bed Sharing Pt. 6 (Mar 2023)

BOOKMARKS

Both Sides Now by Silvergirl (M, 14,724 w., 5 Ch. || Post-TEH / Reunion Fix-It, Bed Sharing, First Kiss / Time, Undercover John, Couple for a Case, Assassin Mary, Big Brother Mycroft, Norfolk Coast, Angry John, First Kiss, Worried Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Hand Holding, Bed Sharing, Alternating POV, Infidelity, Meddling Mycroft, Emotional Love Making, Matchmaker Mycroft) – Sherlock, undercover on the Norfolk coast, texts that he needs help; John is still seething after Sherlock’s gambit in the train car, and he refuses. When Sherlock goes missing, Mycroft sends John in to pose as Sherlock’s bit on the side.

Spare Parts by Raina_at (E, 63,497 w., 10 Ch. || 24th Century / Futurism AU || Post TRF, Pre-TRF Relationship, Case Fic, Mutual Pining, Estrangement, Reconciliation, Science Fiction, Reunion, Nightmares, Angry John, Cybernetic John, Emotional Discussions / Heart to Heart, POV John, Scars, Past Drug Use, Forehead Touching, Emotional Lovemaking, Kissing, Apologies, Kidnapping, Rescue Mission, BAMF John, Bed Sharing, Top Sherlock) – Two years ago, Sherlock Holmes jumped off the roof of New London Hospital. Two months ago, he walked into John's clinic as if no time had passed at all. John hasn't seen him since. But then Sherlock knocks on John's door with a case he can't say no to, and while figuring out why the biggest manufacturer or synthetic limbs in the System is going after veterans, they also need to find out whether there's a way to fix what's broken between them. Part 1 of Realigning Gravity

Out There by DiscordantWords (T, 131,695 w., 10 Ch. || X-Files Fusion || Past Soldier John, Panic Attacks, POV Alternating Present Tense, Anxious John, Canon Adjacent, Deductions, Obsessive Sherlock,, Travelling, Sherlock’s Family, Jealous Sherlock, Mind Palace John, Awkward Flirting, Batting Cage, Kidnapped/Abducted John, Semi-Reverse Reichenbach, Worried/Anxious Sherlock, Hospital, Slow Burn, UST, Case Fic, Government Conspiracy, Aliens, UFOs, Mutants, Mutual Pining, First Kiss, Coma John, Forehead Touching, Hand Holding, Drinking/Bars, Past Jolto) – FBI Special Agent John Watson, medical doctor and army veteran, is assigned to assist eccentric genius Sherlock Holmes with paranormal investigations on the X-Files project.

MARKED FOR LATER

One Bed That Wasn't Slept In, and Another That Was by ancientreader (E, 8,455 w., 1 Ch. || Bed Sharing, First Time) – John doesn’t mind sharing a bed with Sherlock. Sherlock dissents. Things go downhill from there.

The Perfect Place by meet_me_in_samarra (T, 10,070 w., 14 Ch. || Alternate First Meeting AU || Crack / Humour, Mutual Pining, Misunderstandings, Only One Bed) – Sherlock needs a flatmate and already has the perfect person in mind. Now he only needs to convince his object of desire to move in and also find out if he desires Sherlock as well.

All of the Things I Need by thalialunacy (E, 10,337 w., 1 Ch. || Post S4, Parentlock with Rosie, Romance, Friends to Lovers, Big Brother / Uncle Mycroft, Frottage, Anal, First Kiss, First Time, Only One Bed, "Straight" John) – In which John has to be shoved into moving forward, Sherlock actually manages to be surprised, and Mycroft turns out to be an A+ uncle. (And they all live happily ever after, of course.)

The Cavern by elwinglyre (M, 28,323 w., 12 Ch. || The Beatles / 1960s Rockstar AU || Only One Bed, Mutual Pining, Rock and Roll History, Erotic Dreams, Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Homophobia, Heavy Petting, Kissing, Inspired by Music, POV Third Person Alternating) – Sherlock is not into making magic. He doesn’t believe in it. He does, however, believe in making rock and roll history. His best chance is to join John Watson’s band, the Magic Makers. They begin at the Cavern. There he learns to believe in more than magic with a little help from his friends. AU is set in Liverpool during the early 60s—when homosexuality is a crime.

Roommates are for little people by alexxphoenix42 (E, 69,042 w., 14 Ch. || Teen/Unilock || Forced to Share a Bed, Pining, Hurt/Comfort, Fake Relationship, Sherlock is a Prick, Drinking, Inadvertent Drug Use, Family Wedding, Footballer John / Ballet Dancer Sherlock, Frottage, Slow Burn, Mild Dub Con, Cuddling While Sleeping, Slight Homophobia, Posh Boy, Dirty Dancing, Endearments, Nosy Family, Bathing Together, Mild Angst, UST/RST, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Fluff) – John was looking forward to seeing his friends back at uni, but a new year brings new complications, not the least of which is a dorm room with only one bed, and a stroppy roommate with an utterly spectacular arse. God, John doesn't need the headache.

Trick or Treat by Accident and holmesian_love (M, 88,310 w., 8 Ch. || Halloween, Costume Parties / Masquerade, Love Confessions, Only One Bed, Injured John, Three Continents Watson, One Night Stand, Case Fic, Jealousy, Greg and John Relationship, Caring Mycroft, Ghosts) – Sherlock has a new case. One that John is unlikely to get on board with, so it's going to take some convincing. Little does he know that John is discovering new feelings and this whole adventure may unravel more than just a killer.

[anonymousyellowlizard]

All or Nothing and lowave records

Strap in because this is gonna be a long one. This post will try to shed some light on how the whole lowave records thing works, how you can use this music, how it is being distributed, and what all a contract with lowave would include. All this and more below the cut!

Let us start with the basics: What is lowave records?

Quite succinctly summed up on their website as follows:

They make and distribute royalty-free music for content creators - specifically video-format content creators like Youtubers and streamers - they share some streaming revenue (30%, we'll get into that) with the creators who are labelled 'co-artists' and get promotion of their music through the content creators.

So, that brings us to the next big question: What is royalty-free music?

This is music that is free to use. Yes, by anyone, by Dan and Phil, by other creators, by you and me, any of us. This is by no means a new thing of course, anyone who has created content online would have come across other such services. just as an example, bensound.com hosts a large library of royalty-free music which you can use in any video by simply crediting the site in your description. Lowave works in a similar fashion. The music is not copyrighted. However, the rights to the music are held by lowave records and there are limitations on its use, which we will get into ahead.

How is the money working (preliminary edition)?

I will add details to this later when I discuss the contract, but let's see the info we get straight away from the FAQs: You do not have to pay them anything to make music for you

The money is coming in from the streaming platforms, depends completely on amount of streams, and is shared between lowave and the creators

Also from the FAQs: how can this music be used?

Anyone can freely use any of the music from lowave records, which means that yes, you can use any music from All or Nothing for your purposes with credit, it will not be taken down

Is this the only music we will hear on dapg now? Will there be more albums?

Not necessarily! This isn't an exclusive deal, DnP can use any music they want on the channel. As for new albums, seems like it depends on how this one does (and it seems to be doing quite well!) which will unlock future avenues for more collabs with lowave

Okay BASICS DONE if you're still reading you're probably here for the real meat so let us get into it

How is the money working (director's cut)?

Let us start with the terms on the partner agreement:

Content Creators get 30% of the 'remaining income'. This basically means any costs that streaming platforms are deducting, any processing fees, taxes etc will be deducted before the 30% share is calculated. The second point there basically means that the deductions here do not include business expenses of the label itself, ie when the label calculates its own profit production costs and various other expenses are deducted from the income, but these costs will not affect the revenue received by the content creators (You are probably already thinking 'how is this company earning enough to keep going?' and I will touch on that later as well)

Payment installments are simple enough but here we see a third party enter the chat: DistroKid. Who is DistroKid and why are payments going through them, Hazel? I hear you ask. Well I'll tell you dear readers:

It is basically a service that takes a yearly fee for putting your music on streaming platforms efficiently and then pockets 0% of the royalties. The royalties go from the streaming services (eg Spotify) to DistroKid who then send it to the rights-holders (in this case, lowave records). lowave records is using this service for a yearly fee to upload all their music through.

But wait! If DistroKid is working with lowave, and lowave owns all the rights, why is DistroKid making direct payments to the content creators?

Well, over the years they have offered a bunch of services:

I am guessing lowave is making use of the teams feature to send royalties owed to content creators ("collaborators") directly from Diskworld, which makes sense, the less people money goes through the less chances of mishandling.

People have of course been talking about what percentage Spotify even pays for many many years. The short answer: we don't know for sure because it is confidential, Spotify won't tell and artists aren't allowed to. The longer answer: people have estimated from a bunch of publically available data that the share seems to be 70-30 (rights-holders- spotify).

However spotify is not paying per stream anymore so that makes these figures harder to pin down. they are using a 'streamshare' system which is much more convoluted:

That was all about the money, now let's talk Licensing

Creators can use this music in any capacity, and do not have to share any of the revenue from their own content with lowave. They have put a stipulation that it may not be used in a way that is "illegal, immoral, discriminatory or derogatory to [lowave]" but what constitutes 'immoral' and 'discriminatory' is not really defined.

The other limitation applies to the contracted Content Creators only as far as I can tell: they are not allowed to remix, sample, or edit these songs without prior permission. This probably only applies to altering the songs and playing under the same name, so fan remixes should not run into issues here, as long as they are not monetised. (thanks kate @goldenpinof for making me think about this part a bit more, I think it should be safe, but even royalty free music cannot be transformed without permission at least in a commercial capacity)

They will also make more music free of cost if the streaming targets they set are being met by the albums produced. The process:

Other services they provide will be handling the creator's account which they set up (DanAndPhilBeats in this case) on streaming platforms and making changes as required, so the Cheeky Banter -> Project X thing was probably done from their end, possibly an older change that they forgot to update?

Also below are promotional obligations:

The promotion wasn't a one-time thing, it is expected to be ongoing, so we will probably be hearing about this in future videos as well. However, later in the partner agreement it is added that this has to be done as often as possible in a way that is "natural and appealing to their audience" which again, is pretty vague wording

Also the licensing goes both ways, so lowave can also use segments of the content DnP make that has the music in the background to promote their music:

Additional stuff from the contract:

lowave takes the guarantee of creating original works that it has the rights to and which do not infringe on copyrights, and the creators likewise take the guarantee not use the songs in content which infringes copyright. If there are any disputes regarding such infringement in the future the record and the creators have to back each other up (including sharing legal fees)

I mentioned before some parts of the agreement being written in vague language. There is also a clause that says if any provision ends up being illegal/not possible to enforce by a court (eg if a court were to it's impossible to say whether content featuring the songs was 'immoral') then only that provision will be removed, the rest of the contract stands.

The waiver part basically means that if any of the parties decide to not sue or forgo a complaint about breach of contract, that does not mean that those provisions are now unavailable, they can still sue later on or for some other breach if they wish.

That's the contracts done. Some of the framing there makes it seem to me like it's a pretty small company. The revenue they hope to generate does not seem to be very sustainable, especially since the revenue is being shared with content creators but the cost is not and they are additionally paying for other services like DistroKid.

So I looked more into this record label: they started business in 2022. If you go to their socials though, twitter and instagram they have followers in double digits and post very sparsely. Their tiktok seems to have nothing on it at all (thanks @lesbiandanhowell for the screenshot) and you may have noticed, Dan did not tag the lowave account at all when he announced the album on twitter

The agreement never mentions creators promoting lowave's social channels or tagging them either (and it is quite odd, I have worked with a bunch of organisations in their infancy and this is, now more than ever, a common requirement from collaborators). lowave records does not seem to be actively working towards promoting themselves on social media or building an online presence, even though they have been operational two years producing music throughout.

There are three people involved with the company on public record:

Benjamin Johnson listed as 'Head of Production' is probably the 'Ben' Dan has been talking about who made the songs. Seems like their scale of operations is not very big and possibly not a lot of producers in the records at all (despite the spotify page saying they have 'producers' plural, but that doesn't have to mean a lot many lol). Anyway, that would solve the mystery of 'how are they playing their employees?' if there aren't many employees to begin with (not even an intern to manage their social media it seems).

Look at the last person in the screenshots though: Robin. I looked at what other companies Robin is associated with and several of them - yeah several different operations that he's involved in - have the same correspondence address of '60 Thorpe Road...', so probably operating out of a ghost office (just to have a registered address and receive mail at etc). And one of these businesses that Robin is associated with is RWD, the business that made lowave records' website for them:

The no-cost production of royalty-free music, little attention to social media presence, vaguely written contract, seemingly small scale of operations with technical assistance like website design coming from an affiliated organisation makes me think that lowave records might be a side project. A labour of love, possibly, hoping to sustain itself enough to keep putting out royalty-free music in a time of extreme crackdown on copyrighted music use.

It makes sense to use content creators for promotion, gets you way more streaming than making your own music and putting it out. And the incentive of unique but guaranteed royalty free music at no cost is great for content creators of all sizes. It is far from sustainable on its own though, especially with streaming revenue being basically peanuts, and I do not think there's much interest in gaining a following or putting in that effort either, so it's probably a very small business by a few people. How long it manages to sustain itself as a project I am not sure, but it certainly isn't looking like something particularly geared towards profit and growth in its current state.

We are at an end! If you read this far, leave me like an A+ or a star for my essay so I can have academic validation from this please. Of course I probably have not covered everything possible in connection to this so if anyone has more info feel free to add on! And if this was all very long and there's something particular you wanted to know you can drop an ask into the inbox about it!

Thank you for coming with me on this journey! Back to the important things, which was your favourite song from the album? I think mine is Arcade Admission

[azaharinflames]

I've been seeing a lot of discussion about The Scoff from Tommy after Buck tells him that Eddie is straight. I've seen several big interpretations on it. There's the one that the B*ddies are all latching onto, that Tommy knows something about Eddie that Buck doesn't and that Gay Eddie is going to be Canon (that's the least believable one). Another, and probably the more believable one, is that Tommy scoffs because that isn't an answer to the question that Tommy asked.

The one I sometimes think about is that Tommy scoffs at the "Eddie is straight" because in his head he's going "Yeah and so were you until a year ago. A spaghetti noodle is also straight until you heat it up." so he might be thinking that just because Eddie claims to be straight now doesn't mean that something might not happen in the future where he realizes that he isn't.

Just some thoughts on The Scoff. I know my interpretation is probably very wrong but its also more realistic cause I've had conversations with friends that went that way.

Hi, Nonnie!

My personal take is that the scoff wasn't about Eddie, per se. I think it was more about Buck not actually answering the question. I'll put it this way.

If I were asked, "Well, do you want to eat spaghetti a la carbonara?" and I answered, "I don't eat meat!" It still wouldn't answer the question. Do I want to eat it? Or am I just stopped from eating it because it has meat in it, and I am a vegetarian?

Perhaps a weird analogy, but it works for what I am trying to say. Tommy asked Buck (paraphrasing) if he has feelings for Eddie. Buck's answer is that Eddie's straight. Therefore, does he have feelings? Or is he stopped from having them or acknowledging them because he knows Eddie's sexuality?

I think Tommy took it like that. Like: okay, you are not even answering my question, you're deflecting. And, to be fair, I don't think this was Buck's intention! He doesn't have feelings, and he doesn't even entertain the idea because Eddie has always been off-limits. Even in his scene with Maddie, later on, when enough time has passed for him to have given a thought about it, he firmly maintains he does not feel that way for Eddie, but does for Tommy.

I definitely do not think it was a scoff directed at Eddie's sexuality, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think even OS confirmed it wasn't.

My inbox is open for ranting, venting, giving your opinion (unpopular or popular, I'm happy to receive and discuss both), and even confessions! Though if you don't want yours posted, please make sure to say :)

Take care <3

[mylovesstuffs]

ANNOUNCEMENT !

Hi everyone, I have something really personal and important to share. Please take a moment to read all the way.

I'll be answering asks regarding this for the next 6 hours. No, I won’t be bribed. Yes, I know my inbox is about to explode. I accept my fate.

After much careful consideration and in light of recent developments, I’ve made a big decision regarding this blog @mylovesstuffs and my writing. This space has meant the world to me: it has been my creative outlet, my safe haven, and most importantly, a way for me to connect with some of the most supportive and kind-hearted people out there (yes, that’s you).

That being said,, I've decided to focus on other creative projects that require more of my attention.. A while ago, PLEDIS Entertainment reached out to me regarding some of my writing, and after multiple rounds of interviews and discussions, they’ve offered me a freelance opportunity to be part of their internal creative team. Yes, the same PLEDIS that manages SEVENTEEN.

I’ll be joining their behind-the-scenes content team, helping with narrative building, concepts, and other confidential projects related to SEVENTEEN and their future releases. It’s honestly a dream come true, something I never thought would happen when I first started writing here. But it also comes with its own challenges. Unfortunately, due to legal contracts [NDA, etc.] and company policies, I won’t be able to continue running this blog as a fanfic and reaction writer. I’ve been advised to step back from writing unofficial content about SEVENTEEN while working with the company.

I’ll be logging out from the blog to dedicate my energy to new projects that require my full attention. It’s a strange feeling, but I’m confident this is the right move for both my growth, my mental health and career. This isn’t a goodbye forever, but it does mean this blog will be on indefinite hiatus.

I am deeply grateful to every single person who read my works, shared kind words, and stuck with me through my ups and downs with this godforsaken app, but this platform helped me hone my skills and gave me the courage to even dream of this moment.

And yes, I know the timing might seem off, but this is genuinely happening. It’s something I’ve thought long and hard about, and I’m excited [and a little nervous] to share this with you all. But yes, this is really happening.

Thank you for being my community, my little corner of the internet where I felt free to create.

I love you all. Thank you for everything.

— Celeste <3

P.S. Before I log out, I’ll still be posting mingyu's bd oneshot and the collab fic I participated in! Those two will be the only exception—before and after that, there won’t be any other fics from me. Just wanted to make that clear so no one’s confused later.

⌦ 🎢 © mylovesstuffs | est. 2025. thank you for being part of this journey—your support has meant the world. until we meet again, stay cozy and keep dreaming ! ◜ᴗ◝

[baeddel]

my 1st year of hrt

i don't post here much now, but as i have shared so much of my journey with you, for so much of which i wasn't able to transition at all, i wanted to make a post about my first year on hormones.

this post will be nsfw because of frank discussion about genitals, sexual functions and sexuality. it's also long, sorry.

ORAL, INJECTIONS

i have the entire time merely done what the diy wiki told me. between the time that i first looked into it, with the sort of long and helpful advices i received from friends, up to now, the whole thing has become much more well-understood and by that measure much easier to transmit and there are more plentiful resources. so it is really easy to diy. it's also much easier to get hormones and blockers and many more kinds are available.

i started off on 50mg bica and 6mg oral estradiol. i knew i wanted to use bica becuase it's supposed to keep your horny. a major hesitation for me was losing my libido, since being an extremely high libido person has been such a core part of my identity for pretty much my entire life. it turns out i had no reason to be afriad for reasons i'll explain later, but in the end i'm not sure how much of a role the bica played in that.

the chepaest place was actually from Lillian at the time we bought it. this regimen worked out to an amount per year that i don't really have and my first year was paid for entirely by my incredible and wonderful and amazing girlfriend @shimakaze-revivalism which i am so thankful for. it worked out the best to go for oral at that time but i had no preference for it over injections; gel seemed annoying to me.

to be honest i don't really recommend all that because it's basically ten times as expensive as monotherapy with injections. good golly! i didn't realize injections were so cheap until another girlfriend pointed it out to me around the time that i was due to refill. plus, not only am i used to injecting because of diabetes, but i like needles. since starting i have fallen in love with this method; i look forward to injection day and delight and savour in the entire process. i inject intramuscularly in my thighs with a 1" needle. the needle presses my skin into a deep valley before finally piercing through at which point my thigh snaps level and swallows the needle. i salivate a little bit when i do it. it hurts for a few days wherever the needle went, sweetly. if i'm too rough it bruises. my girlfriend is frightened of neeldes and i make her watch. i take 0.1ml at 10ml/400mg which according to Transfem Science (click) is equivalent to 8mg per day of estradiol orally, a little more than i took before. i stopped taking bica so i am on estradiol monotherapy.

because Lillian had issues right around the time of my order it was delayed by a bit and i went without hormones for a little while. this was utterly miserable and felt physically awful. i'll talk about it a bit more later. then my wonderful girlfriend lent me hers after we worked some things out so that she wouldn't also be left short. so for about a week or two i was taking 4mg estradiol and some amount of finasteride; this regimen felt bad and i struggled to stay hard or cum until i changed to something else. the phenomenally sweet and kind @hypnosister was bringing some estradiol gel for me to tide me over the rest of the way (—the second time she has given me hormones to cover for my errors), but my estradiol miraculously arrived the exact same day she did, so i never used any gel.

as you can tell, the principle ingredient in my hrt regimen has been the milk of human kindness. i owe an unpayable debt of gratitude. hopefully i can be more competent and independent in the future.

BLOOD TESTS

my plan was to get tested every 4~ months and monitor my blood.

there is a private blood test service you can get here in NI. they send out a little kit and you make a sample and send it back. supposedly. so far i have not known anyone to succeed. strangely, they don't allow refunds until you've tried it three times. for me i quickly realized my problem was that i have to use a lancet to draw blood several times a day to monitor my blood sugars, which means my fingers are scarred and calloused around there already and i'd never be able to draw enough blood as the test wanted. the last test i simply sent back undisturbed; they gave me my refund.

you can instead book an appointment with private clinics they work with and they will draw blood intravenously. however, at the time, agoraphobia would have made this a profoundly difficult journey, and i started off transitioning in secret and couldn't ask anyone for help getting there. so in the end i haven't been getting blood tested at all and don't really know what my hormones are and don't know how my liver is doing. this isn't ideal, but things are starting to change for me; i am now out at home, and what's more, i have started to beat my agoraphobia (!) and can get about now on public transport on my own. so i will go in a few months to monitor how my injections are doing.

SIDE EFFECTS

when i first started i was extremely nauseous. this went away after a month or so. after that there were simply no negative side-effects.

going off of hormones felt bad, but it was as bad as i felt before going on hormones. being on hormones simply feels much better; i'll talk more about that later.

LIBIDO, BONERS AND CUM

as i mentioned this was my biggest hesitation before starting. my libido had always been so high as to be debilitatingly intense. i would masturbate several times a day. if i hadn't masturbated recently i would be unable to concentrate; i would be so horny i'd get dizzy, feel faint... something in me had to be ceaselessly arrested, cooled, soothed and put away, shortly to lift its hatch and claw at me again. in a lot of ways it was really a big problem in my life and looking back it wasn't a good thing. but it was who i was and i was scared of losing it. it also seemed like an important component of maintaining a lot of sexual relationships. or was it the special solvent that held all my work together? a manic energy. without which i would become slovely and pointless.

erections are also of course an important part of performing in the way i was used to; and i could cum a lot. like, a lot. thick, goopy, white cum. which girls like. because i am not attractive in any other measure, giving up this source of puissance felt like giving up everything. so it was really frightening to me to be honest. these are all ways that the idea of a loss of libido or sexual function felt like the end of myself as a person.

this is i understand probably a distorted source of self-worth, but, in any case, hormones did not in fact oblige me to give it up, and i worried for nothing. hormones drastically improved my sexuality in every single respect. first of all, it did hurt my libido, but only so much as to take the edge off. it let me master it; and having mastered it, i was able to do things i could never do before in my life, like chastity games, and everyday life wasn't so painful, and i had more freedom about how i spent my time, since i didn't have to masturbate before anything that took concentration. but i'm still a very high libido person; what's more it made me much more engaged with sex with partners rather than masturbating.

there was a brief period of time close to the beginning where it did affect my erections, i believe, but this passed and i now have erections like normal. neither my penis or scrotum changed size or appearance. and thankfully my loads did not diminish at all; though on bica it was a little more translucent and less goopy white, it seems to be back to normal on monotherapy. it takes several minutes to clean up after.

but here's the thing; on hrt, my sexuality improved in ways i didn't even anticipate. these are: 1. every sensation feels so much better, to such an extent that sensations seem to take on a profound meaning. it is especially lovely to use the soft parts of a girl's thighs. 2. orgasms are completely different. not just a quantitative but a qualitative difference. they make me shiver, they last forever, my toes curl as i gasp and perspire. afterwards i am submerged in bliss; wheezing asthmatically, sticky or soaking wet. 3. when not having sex, i mostly cum handsfree, neither using my hands nor any implement, or any special technique but to look at something or think of something or talk to someone. either naked or under my clothes. i could do this before but it took more effort. 4. when having sex, i cum much, much faster, which is a really good change for me, because performing was always a source of anxiety, and now i have no problem with that, unless i'm having blood sugar problems which can't be helped.

i understand that most people don't have my experiences when they start hrt. although for most people sex feels better and orgasms feel better, most people cum less and have more problems performing after hrt rather than the opposite.

in the few weeks that i went off hrt i went pretty much back to normal, and it felt awful. i went back to masturbating several times a day, became less interested in having sex, and derived much less enjoyment from masturbation which was little more than habitual. i could still cum handsfree but mostly i didn't. by comparison it all simply felt bad. at this point i would take estrogen merely as an aphrodisiac.

BOOBS

i have little boobs. if it really is accurate to talk about transfem bodies this way, then i think i am in Tanner Stage 3. i don't really care about having boobs so i don't really think about it. mainly i felt A LOT BETTER about my body after i started removing my chest hair, no matter what my chest looks like.

early on in transition i asked you all if my boobs would stop being sore. some of you said no. well listen up fuckers, you were dead wrong! after three or four months they stopped hurting entirely. but then afer i started injections they began to hurt again, and now they still hurt. maybe they'll just hurt every August, no matter what i do.

WEIGHT GAIN, FAT DISTRIBUTION

i literally weigh 50 pounds more than at the start of 2023. however, 30 of those pounds i put on before even starting hrt. so i think it's a coincidence; regression to the mean. in the past i constnatly lost weight mysteriously, now i am quickly gaining it. i'm a little worried about it really, but i feel a little better about myself with chubbier cheeks as well.

i have definitely gained more of an hourglass shape now that i didn't have before. but i still think my body is very ugly and i'm ashamed of it. looking more feminine doesn't mean looking or feeling any more attractive necessarily and you have more body image issues than gender dysphoria. it's necessary to consider them a little separately. to be honest, i have no idea what i wanted hrt to do to my body. no matter what outward physical change i consider i will say 'that's some accidental change and is not the reason i'm on hormones, so i don't really care about it.' then why transition?

HRT AS WILL

this is to me the most fascinating change and the one i could anticipate the least; hrt completely changes my fundmanetal first-person experience of reality. i have no idea how to describe it; surely any words are inaccurate metaphors which cannot possibly denote anything to you if you haven't felt it. i simply feel that, before hrt, i was out of alignment, and that when i am on hrt, my alignment has been restored, and i have achieved some kind of invisible perfection. every waking moment feels so much better, and stopping hrt made me feel awful for that reason only. i knew what it was like to be on it. Tiresias.

this is the biggest thing for me; even if hrt did absolutely nothing else i would take it for this reason alone. not only that, but i would still regard it as deeply important, fulfilling some deep need. i would pay a high price for it.

do you know what i mean? what is this?

oh god... have you felt this? it's rather... rapturous... ah haha...

it means that i'm chosen...

maybe i have eyes on the inside. if you kill me you'll get a Caryll Rune: Clockwise Metamorphosis.

when i think about other things to add to my transition progress, such as progesterone, this is the primary lens that i look at it through. how would this change my inner experience? what effect would it have on me at the level of pure feeling? i don't really care what it would do to my body. what new chamber of the soul is unlocked thereby?

PERIODS

i was promised that i would get periods when i started hrt. this seems to have been a myth. if i want periods i suppose i would have to actually vary my own hormones throughout the month. in the past i actually had a pretty intense dysphoria about not getting periods, and the idea that i'd get them one day was very relieving to me. thankfully i don't really care about that anymore; all of my desires orient themselves with reference to transfems, so not having periods doesn't create any kind of distance between myself and my peers.

CONCLUSION

anyway, transition is going extremely well in my estimation. there are other aspects of transition than just hrt; gender-affirming clothes, laser (cheap here), optionally voice training and such. i think for some people a year is kind of a long time, but i tend to have a long-term view. it's something healthy but it also makes me slow to act. in any case i still see myself as just starting, and i will get to other things soon enough. i like changing. i like doing things that change me. you have to resist the temptation to see every possible avenue of transition as a form of assimilation to cisnormativity. we have a culture; we do certain things that change us, sometimes forever and sometimes for now.

thanks for reading.

[gunsandspaceships]

Tony’s Childhood. Part 2.1. Effects: Own Will

Before this part, be sure to read Part 1.

If you're not aware of Tony's strange understanding of the importance of his own wants and needs, check out this post from daydreamsandnightlights.

Here I will try to explain the roots of this behavior.

At age 4 Tony built his first circuit board (IM1)

At age 6 built his first engine (IM1)

Let's think about what it meant that he built all these things at such an early age. Was this his own or his father's will?

Let’s take Morgan for comparison – she is indeed a brilliant kid too, since at the age of 5 she can count up to 3000 (ordinary kids count up to 1000 at the age of 8), knows how much is in a ton, what “disintegrate” means and can easily manipulate her dad, a genius.

Looking at Morgan's behavior, we can assume that she is already capable of building a circuit board under the guidance of her father. But she doesn't. Because her father does not demand this from her. She is a kid. She plays with plush dogs and beavers, sleds on Captain America’s shield, and likes to have bedtime stories read to her before bed. She sneaks into her father’s garage because there are interesting things inside that she can take and play with, not to build something and add it to the list of impressive achievements.

The question is: did Tony want to create things because he liked it, or because his father did it and wanted his son to do the same?

We know that Howard had plans for Tony to "change the world" with Howard's ideas about the future. Apparently, he was preparing Tony for this purpose.

Do small children have a desire to tinker and build things? Some yes. Do they want to or should they play with cubes and constructor sets? Yes. Do they want to or should they work with real motorcycle engines and soldering irons? Hell no. They usually don't have the appropriate motor skills to do this, so they can easily hurt themselves. I'll talk more about this later when I discuss his pain tolerance.

I think it’s impossible to say now whether Tony was interested in engineering from that age (I mean sincere desire, not ability). So we cannot answer that question. But I doubt 4-year-old Tony realized what he was doing when building computer parts. He liked it though. Because those were probably the only times he spent time with his father.

Howard continued to deny his son his will when Tony was sent to boarding school when Tony was 7 years old. There he had a regulated, planned life for 7 years. Then college for another 7. And then became the youngest CEO at 21. None of this sounds like a child’s “I did what I wanted”.

He did not express his will but pleased others. Because this way he received a little love. Or a substitute for love, to be precise. And when, perhaps for the first time, he was taken care of by Yinsen, who saved him, even in such a terrible way, and died for him, he was incredibly grateful. And after that, his attitude towards people changed.

But not the attitude of people towards him, since they continued to want something from him, expecting the same behavior that they were used to seeing from the “rich and famous”.

*Doesn’t want to celebrate his birthday with a bunch of strangers in his house? Wants to spend his last days with the woman he loves? DENIED*

*Needs psychological support from people he trusts? DENIED*

*Wants to save the team from a breakup because he cares and knows what’s coming? DENIED*

Conclusion: Tony didn't belong to himself his whole life. He didn’t use to defend his own, laid deep within, interests. First, his will was moved aside by his father’s. Then Stane’s and the public’s. Fury then came with his Initiative without asking what Tony wanted. Then S.H.I.E.L.D. came to him (not) asking to find Tesseract and save the world. Then the whole team came. Then the government with its Accords, and so on and so forth. None of them bothered to ask, “What do you want, Tony?”. And the only times he insisted on something, were the times when he tried to keep the team together and prevent their death.