#but poor Tess cannot catch a break

[puppyduckster]

I’m currently reading Tess of the D’ubervilles and I keep having to resist the urge to throw my Kindle across the room🫠.

[theroyalmile]

Body by Chemo

Last weekend I went for a 9-mile bike ride to downtown Boston and back.  I was admittedly nervous and skeptical about this ride beforehand for a couple of reasons.  First, it has been years since I rode a bike, and I know there’s that whole expression “It’s like riding a bike” but I’m not sure that expression is all that accurate.  Second, I have never ridden a bike in Boston.  Third, I get winded these days going up and down my stairs, so I was not sure I quite “had it in me.”  But, my whole household was going, it was a beautiful day, and I had been promising myself I would make an effort to be more active.  So off we went.  Oh, and there was a promise of breakfast sandwiches and coffee and donuts once we made it downtown- nobody could say no to that.

The beginning of the ride was rocky.  The original bike I borrowed was just a little too tall for me, and because of that I felt incredibly unsteady.  I traded bikes with one of my roommates and that bike ended up being a better fit for me- a few loops around a parking lot and I thought, “Hey, it really is like riding a bike.” With my confidence reasserted, we hit the bike path.  

The bike ride was, overall, beautiful.  I did find myself getting winded and had to stop a couple of times.  My roommates had been prepared to take it easy with me, and were very supportive.  Eventually we made it the 4.5 miles downtown and I felt so incredibly proud for conquering my first time back on a bike and first time biking downtown, all while dealing with the fatigue, shortness of breath and other goodies that come with my chemo treatment.  I felt empowered and heartened, which made me feel optimistic about the ride back home.

That optimism was short lived; almost immediately after we took off it became apparent that my body simply could not handle it.  I told myself we just had to get out of downtown and back on the bike trail and then I would ask to stop.  We made it and I signaled everyone for a quick break.  I thought maybe if I caught my breath and had some water it would be okay.  One of our bike squad members offered for me to try their bike to see if that made a difference.  I hopped on bikes a block or so, and then hopped off almost immediately- it just wasn’t going to work.  As I hopped off, right after we had crossed an intersection, I heard two men yelling from a car about some girl having a fat ass, or something to that effect.  Regardless of whether they were talking about me or someone else who had crossed the street with us, that was the final kick for me.  Any experienced fat girl understands that you will always think those comments are about you, even when they are not.  (Disclaimer: I do not mean “fat” as something negative, and I am definitely not looking for people to tell me I’m not fat, I’m simply stating a fact about my body).  Anyways, it was at this point I felt the tears of frustration welling up and knew my ride was done.  I told the crew I couldn’t go any further and would walk while they biked on.

There is a certain trauma that comes with being fat and exercising.  It’s almost like you never want someone to see you fail at any kind of physical activity because it feels like you're reinforcing the stereotype, like, oh of course the fat girl can’t finish the bike ride.  My roommate had offered, very kindly, to come back and pick me up in the car.  That was an indignancy I couldn’t bear- it was one thing to fail to finish the ride; it was another to have to be driven home.  No, I said stubbornly, I would walk my bike home.  Caleb of course insisted on walking his bike with me.  

As we walked our bikes I became more and more upset.  Part of it was the embarrassment of being a fat girl walking a bike home.  I almost want to scream at passers by “It’s not because I’m fat- I have cancer!” But another, bigger part of it was the reality of admitting to myself that chemo had changed my body, and it simply wasn’t up to the tasks it might normally have been.  Eventually I became upset enough that I had to stop and let myself have a small breakdown.  Caleb hugged me while I cried and tried to keep me in perspective. “You’re going through chemo” he reminded me, and tried to help me realize that having made it as far as I had was a feat in itself.  He walked across the street to grab me tissues and a gatorade so I could cry, rehydrate, cry, and rehydrate some more. 

****

Here’s the thing about chemo- it has made me feel incredibly betrayed by my body.  I have always been overweight, since my teenage years or even earlier.  Different versions of overweight, but overweight.  That was just the way it was, and I had reached a certain level of acceptance of that.  But I had always prided myself on how active I could be.  Pre-pandemic I could run 4-5 miles no problem.  I would hit the gym three times a week, I would get the steps in.  I was still fat, I was active, and I felt good about myself.  

Because of chemo, I am now fat, inactive, and feel terrible all the time.  I get winded walking up stairs, I am exhausted by my five minute walk from the T to my office downtown, and I find a short walk will tire me out for an afternoon.  And it’s not just my stamina.  It is absolutely everything.

The skin around my mouth had begun peeling and reddening.  My cuticles are dry and peeling and hurt.  My hands and feet are dry and cracked.  My arms are bruised up and down from frequent IVs. I oftentimes cannot open my medicine bottles or jars without help.  My hair, of course, is completely gone, not just on my head, but my nostrils too, leaving me with an almost constant runny nose.  My eyebrows are thinning, along with my eyelashes, and I pray to whoever is listening to please not take those away from me too.  My hands shake, and have turned dark brown from the cytoxan (which thankfully I am done with).  My memory is terrible.  I am breaking out like I’m back and middle school. My joints hurt, my muscles ache, despite me doing nothing all day. AND I get hot flashes now! Oh and I am hungry all the time.  Honestly ALL THE TIME.  

Here’s the thing- my body and I have been in a constant battle since I was 12 years old.  It took me 10-15 years to learn to love my body for what it was, with the understanding I was never going to have the same body as my friends, was never going to fit their clothes, and was never going to be the traditional idea of “in shape.”  But we had come to truce, my body and I.  I had found acceptance, and even joy in my body.  I had even got to a point where I wore a bikini for the first time since I was a child the summer before the pandemic and it felt amazing, liberating.  I followed plus size models like Ashley Graham and Tess Holiday on Instagram and thought heck yeah, if they can do it so can I.  

My cancer treatment has taken the pride I had in my body and the control I had over my activity levels and appearance and destroyed every last piece of it.  When I was having my worst struggles with my body in college, therapists used to ask me to list my favorite things about my appearance.  My top two on that list were always the same: 1) My hair and 2) My boobs.  Well, cancer has taken one of those things from me already and will have taken the other by the end of this summer.  Like I said, my body has betrayed me now in more ways that I can count.  And that betrayal is likely not going to end for a long time.  Honestly not until there is no cancer in my body any more.  Because let’s be real- that’s the biggest betrayal of all.

Whenever I catch myself in the mirror these days it has the potential to ruin my whole day.  There are few outfits that make me feel comfortable and attractive.  My face feels round, rounder without hair to frame it. I try not to look too long, lest I find more things to hate.  I am terrified of upcoming social gatherings, and wonder how on earth will I be able to feel remotely happy about my appearance for them.  

Chemo has reshaped my body in so many ways, some that I am only starting to realize.  It is hard, fitting into this new body and becoming accustomed to it.  It is even harder learning to love it.  Indescribably hard.  I think I can get there but sometimes it’s difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Moments like the complete few minutes of despair I felt during our bike ride sometimes make that light seem even further.  But it’s important to remember those moments are often fleeting, and can change with a little perspective.  

****

After I cried it out on the bike path, I checked the time and realized we really needed to start heading home.  Caleb had a vaccine appointment to make and I was an hour away from committing murder of some poor bystander out of sheer frustration.  I looked on Google maps and found the walk home would be 48 minutes, probably more pushing a bike and with my sad little chemo lungs.  The bike ride home? 12 minutes.  So back on the bike I went, and it took every muscle in my body to pedal that 12 minutes home.  Fueled by my anger and embarrassment, and the residual tears, we eventually made it all the way home.  

I originally found little pride and satisfaction in our trip.  All I could think about was how I couldn’t bike the whole thing, and about how those guys in the car had yelled, and how much I hated my biking outfit, and how defeated and mortified I was feeling.  

Sometimes perspective takes time, but eventually I found some.  I owe a lot of the perspective to Caleb’s support and encouragement both during and after the bike ride, and to my parents pride and excitement as I was telling them about my biking adventure.  I also owe a lot of it to a nap, a much needed shower, and a new day.  With perspective I rediscovered some of that pride I had lost.  Nine miles there and back?  I did that shit.  And yeah, maybe I didn’t bike the whole thing, but I sure as hell did the whole thing, and did the whole thing while in the midst of chemotherapy treatment.  While in the midst of poisoning my body beyond recognition.  I am a freaking badass. 

And what did I do that evening?  Ate my body weight in sushi because I wanted to.  

I know there are going to be a lot more ups and downs like this.  That bike ride was filled with some very high highs and some very low lows.  This is going to happen.  And while I don’t know exactly what to expect from my body in the months to come, I do know that whatever happens I’ll see y’all at the beach in July- I’ll be the fat girl with the bald head in a bikini eating an ice cream cone.

[latinalesbi]

There's a part of me that kinda hopes we don't get a season 6 because the show is almost unbearable now

I am conflicted. Any Stef and Lena I want whatever Teri and Sherri think is best for them. If they want the money, the job, then I hope they get it. If they don’t then I am sure that’s one of the things that comes into play as Peter said.

Anonymous said:                                                                      By the way Aaron is talking to Callie. It makes it seem like he only sees her as the girl who saves the world. He doesn't seem to believe in her when it comes to art. AJ does. I loved their talk.            

AJ doesn’t tell her what to do, he doesn’t want her to use lame excuses to not try something. And when she’s doing reckless thing he tells her. Aaron wants to control things, for whatever reason he thinks he know better for her.

Anonymous said:                                                                      So Stef is chaperoning the "prom" with Tess while Lena stays home?  What kind of dumb fuckery is this?  I'm sensing no Stef and Lena interaction ONCE again, and my interest has greatly waned in the season finale.  Son of a bitch.    

It’s such stupidity. I can’t even tell you. Do they really think that people want to tune into a season finale to see Tess and Stef hang out together? I just don’t know what to think anymore. I am happy I don’t watch live anymore. I would be too angry. I had a dream about the damn show: I was trying to watch it and something kept me from doing so. I caught one spoiler (Stef and Lena dancing) that made me determined to stay spoiler free. Eventually, I did start catching the episode and Stef was at prom but it was a bit more like a high school reunion, and it wasn’t about Tess. It was about how Stef felt in high school. She started to revert, feel what it was like for her in high school. And then I couldn’t watch the rest, but assume that Lena came in to help Stef worked through it, they danced and had a grand kiss. I am grateful that at least I got to “watch” this version of the show in my dream.

I hate that new sneak, when have they shown us that Stef is “so bothered” by Tess reiteration of her sexuality? I swear it’s such poor writing. This whole situation is so contrived that I am actually concerned they are going there.

Anonymous said:                                                                      I really hope they don't turn Aaron abusive. Callie would probably stay with him and keep getting abused. Then she would end up getting really hurt. It's common in abusive relationships because their too scared to leave.            

If they were going for realism they would. We know realism only applies to Stef and Lena. I think Callie will break it off before that though. I really need her to stop letting boys tell her to value herself.

Anonymous said:                                                                      It's looks like Stef might be arresting Ximena but I don't think it's what it seems like.    

Yeah, she’s probably saving her from ICE.

Anonymous said:                                                                      let's talk about how the fosters IG page shared ANOTHER picture of the mom's from that photo shoot 😍 i am so curious as to how many pictures were actually taken that day. they had outfit switches, there are so many different angles, i cannot. i of course love this one as well.. anytime they are holding each other it's just like butta (as teri says)     

This photo shoot has been the best gift. It has kept on giving. I thought they were done but nope, we got the most coupley picture they have ever taken! If only the show was as good. I think they had so many locations that they must have tons of pictures. Hopefully they’ll keep sharing through season 5b!

Anonymous said:                                                                      Do you know The Bold Type ? If so what do you think of it ... I mean if you can tell, since it's not The Fosters related. I remember one day someone asked Teri and Sherri if there were going to be steamy scenes between Stef and Lena, they laughed. Today I think that TBT is breaking with that double standard on Freeform. Of course Stef and Lena have been naked in bed but I still think it was well covered. And in TBT they don't seem afraid to make these girls kiss all the time.

Two things here, season 2 is very much in doubt for this show. The one girl isn’t a regular. Those things alone would keep me from jumping on this ship. I am fragile lol. I did watch it before the kids arrived. My wife is half-iranian so she very much liked the couple and was enjoying it. I am not a great fan but I am happy that there are so many couples to choose from. As far as the scene being more graphic than Stef and Lena, not really. I didn’t actually see much more in their scenes. The kissing is cause they’re a new couple. Also the show is on at 9 and the time slot does make a difference with censorship and what you can watch. One of the things I liked about Stef and Lena is that they were naked on top of each other. That’s pretty unusual.

Anonymous said:                                                                      I know you're busy with your family but I was wondering if you knew where I could view Teri's interview with Queen Latifha?          

I will upload it on my youtube today. As soon as I am on my home’s wifi.