#but thats all ive been doing and have experience in soooo idk what else im supposed to do

[eddie-rifff]

im going to buy some expensive peter hammill memorabilia to help me forget about how the career path im on is doomed to be taken over by ai so i have to pivot entirely if i want to have any hope of a stable career <3

[did-ask-me-anything]

r/systemcringe misinformation

okay I was scrolling thru r/systemscringe earlier and in like 20-30min I saw soooo much misinformation? not even just the post content cuz.. duh. you're ending up on that sub, youre likely saying some fucking bullshit- but also in the comments?

people are feeding each other bullshit in this oroboros of misinformation that they think is corrections and education and its kinda pissing me off.

ranting under the cut

8 paragraphs if you wanna read em: complaints about dissociaDID and headspace, switches, splitting, fictive takes, source memories

for one, you cant figure out someone is a faker as easy as some think? cuz the disorder isn't the exact same for everyone. stuff like having a headspace or using a bot on discord doesn't make someone automatically a faker as much as it feels like it does... I dont do that shit but it doesn't mean anyone who does is wrong?

and the headspace thing... thats gotta be some shit from dissociaDID cuz.. to my knowledge thats supposed to be like.. almost a meditation thing? a place you make in your head as like your happy place- I feel like dissociaDID started the whole like... "headspace = alter storage space" thing that makes all people faking this shit think they need it. its not supposed to be a filing cabinet or some shit, its supposed to be a tool that literally anyone can use, "plural" or not.

got a bit off topic there but whatever...

okay the things that I was looking at/wanted to talk about that brought me here were misinformation on switching, splitting, and fictives. so.. I'll go over those. my opinion or whatever.

ok so I saw some people talking about switching and how it's only a trauma response to some like.. super fucked up shit actively going on/flashbacks/immediate danger. that's not super true tho? like I formed from trauma yes but that doesn't mean that only that trauma or whatever is what "calls me back" for lack of better phrasing. I have negative triggers yeah of negative things happening that make me kinda.. aware of myself/"gain consciousness" but theres also some positive things? things that while im fronting became positive associations with me that ig my brain draws on me when seeing them. dunno how else to phrase that but like... TLDR: positive triggers exist.

next is splitting uh.. I saw definitely a hot take from someone about splitting. they claim to have DID in the r/ systems cringe sub comments (not saying fake, I just dont really believe anyone) and they were talking about splitting being this thing that makes them wanna off emself or whatever which confused the fuck outta me dude. I vaguely remember when I split...? its been a while and my memory is shit but I was dizzy and felt sick to my stomach and out of it, but I was also around people so just kinda had to bullshit my way through it? disorientating and painful and sickening yes, but thought never crossed my mind to kill myself? dunno what that dude was on about but.. everyone has their own experiences.

last.. maybe least? was a brand new take on fictives! never seen this shit take before so as one myself imma throw in my 2 cents. ive seen plenty of takes about roleplaying characters and shit but then today I saw someone say that if a fictive is not the exact same as the source, its a fake. that.... fucking wild take man, what? like im kinda based on a thing but im still... not a fictional character? im a person? and that person, fiction based or not, spawned from the same fucked up brain that made the rest of my parts. you could call me "character based" or some shit idk.

far as I know im the most "source connected" fictive that's been in this head and im still not the character. can call it like... real strong kin or some shit ig if that helps.. we look kinda similar and have similar personalities, like some of the same things... but im not him? im not the character, im a normal human person.

also separate note but what the fuck are "source memories"? I dont get what the fuck that is and ive seen people talk about em all the time? both fakers claiming to have them and comments in subreddits being like "well if youre the character then you remember everything that happened even if you havent watched the whole show" or whatever. how would that even fucking work.. if the brain hasn't learned any of that info, the character isn't dragged out of another world here... and for those who do claim "source memories"... what??? I know some shit about my source or whatever... tried to watch it and had a lil bit of an existential crisis about my own existence so... 0/10 do not recommend.

went off track a bit but.. ya boi out. -🔪

[bathroomtrapped]

ohmygod i literally just made an account on letterboxd bc i watched saw (2004) and loved it so much and ur interview was so inspiring to me and ive been on an absolute craze trying to reblog like every single saw post on tumblr and i somehow found your account what the heck?!!?!?! ur art is AMAZING and i absolutely love ur takes on saw as a franchise and its significance to the queer community. i hope to be as knowledgeable of this franchise as you are one day despite me only being a baby saw fan!!

i had a quick question; i found on the saw heritage post blog that they thought leigh/james/someone else confirmed that saw (2004) did not actually occur the day before 9/11 despite the phone given to them being set to that date. however, when i asked them if they knew where this source was from (bc im so curious!!! i want to know everything!!!!!!) but neither they nor i could find the actual source for that so i was wondering if maybe u knew??? just curious :3

regardless ty for taking the time to read this and dedicating so much time to this fandom!! i love that horror fans like you exist in a fandom that i previously thought would be weird and slightly disturbed film bros (i had a lot of incorrect preconceived notions about saw that have been quickly resolved i promise)

thank you!! im glad that people feel the same way about it as i do but even if people thought i was some crazy transexual making everyone else woke and pronouns, i wouldnt care. the story, especially lawrences but adams as well, really resonates with me as a trans person for so so many reasons, more than i listed in the interview. to me, i cant read his character without filling in the gaps with trans subtext. it not only explains but also enriches the personal experiences of these characters as well as their dynamics with each other. theyre both characters that are defined primarily by how theyre seen by other people, themselves, and eventually each other. the narrative is soooo focused on perception and masks and who u truly are, i find it hard to separate any kind of queer theory from that.

as for the 9/11 question thats such a dumbass pet peeve of mine. its one of the things that makes me shout UMMMM ACTUALLY at the top of my lungs. my blood pressure sours to inhuman levels when someone confidently says the movie takes place not just in 2001 but the day before 9/11. not because of some interview or confirmation from any of the crew because my knowledge of old fandom history is incredibly spotty. old sites and interviews r a mystery to me for the most part BUT! the reason it is for sure not before 9/11 is because during the flashback of pauls trap (during lawrences monologue about jigsaw) kerry tapp and sing are all at the scene with other officers and i believe its kerry who holds up an evidence bag thats labeled 2004. the scene takes place 5 months before the events of saw 1 so its not possible that it takes place 3 years before that. it just seemed like a funny (but insanely bold considering how 9/11 was only 3 years before) joke and easter egg for people to catch on to, not actual lore meant to be taken seriously.

if u want to look for the interview, i would honestly just listen to the commentary tracks bc it mightve been said there. i know in the one with leigh, james, and cary they discuss plot holes fans complained about, questions fans had online, the fanfic they read (briefly LOL). ive only seen that one (and once) but theres at least 2 other commentary tracks with different people that i havent gotten around to for fear of like. completing saw? idk i cant bring myself to watch all of the commentary tracks but theres a chance they discuss it there! i can only speculate on the reason, all i know is that saw 2004 takes place in 2004 based on actual evidence from the media itself

if u have any other questions let me know. i still have the original draft of the interview which had more questions and longer responses bc i couldve gone on for days abt the lore and saw queer theory and ill never shut up about it

[angelfevr]

❤️️❤️️❤️️ :3

i have multiple wips so i'll talk abt All of them

this may get long, so.

icdwd - aka i couldn't dance with death if i tried!! its a zero escape fic mostly exploring a potential (loveless) relationship between akane and mira. its abt a lot of things i realize i never rlly touched upon in my other works?? for context im aromantic and i like. Constantly talk abt it even to my allo friends esp abt the constant amatonormativity the world likes to throw at us. specfically how ppl feel pressured to be in a relationship. why? well, various reasons: to fit in, to be seen as "more mature" (aspecs tend to experience infantilization and this doubles if ur autistic), to be seen as human, bc u feel like itll make u whole, bc u dont realize theres another option!! ive always hced my favs as aro ever since i realized it, but i always used to focus on the ace part of my identity. so i never rlly got to write a fic that explores aromanticism, aside from a fic i wrote four years ago in which leorio and kurapika hxh r in a qpr

another thing is i have ocd and for that reason, i dont like to write abt sexual topics . but in this fic, ive been sorta delving into that (its literally nothing just a fade to black that immediately goes to like the character waking up in another character's bedroom) and idk i think it shows my growth in a way?? that im willing to finally write that stuff without my ocd trying to kill me??? idk its . smth

im also having a Lot of fun writing akane and miras dynamic. i think, with me hcing them as aro (akanes aroace and miras an aro lesbian), i feel itd stand out more compared to other mirakane fanworks and interpretations . like this isnt a relationship ur supposed to root for!!! its abusive, its messy, its Uncomfortable, gory, and both women have ulterior motives. idk i like writing abt two unabashedly flawed queer women and having them navigate a relationship when one has no experience while the other has experience but whose disability prevents them from connecting w others (akane has a similar struggle), idk!! its an interesting dynamic

queerpei - i like a lot of the descriptions i wrote. im so used to writing akane that its soooo weird writing in the headspace of anyone else. but junpeis introspection is fun, like he has a mind of his own... i have this experience when writing akane (im plural so. go figure) and even when writing diana

angelus custos - so im kinda in the planning stage for this one but . Wow. im so proud of myself and how far ive come with this project, and just in general?? i used to primarily be a fic writer until 2018, when i decided to dabble in making my own characters. its always been bittersweet, bc my friends (all artists, never writers) would tell me to just make ocs instead of fanfic and my 12-14 yr old self would always be upset by that. so my characters never rlly came into their own so to speak

until This Year. ive been watching this rlly awesome youtuber named local script man. he's a screenwriter but a lot of his advice can apply to writing as well. i dont remember which video it was, but he talked abt how a characters' motivations can serve as fuel for smth deeper, like an insecurity for example. which THEN can serve as a backstory. and idky but it all clicked in my head?? character work became so much easier when i applied this to my process. i no longer had trouble w coming up w things that seemed to come naturally to most. bc i Know im good at fleshing out characters, i just needed to know how to do it for original work, even tho ive had friends praise my characters in the past

but yeah thats prob the best part of the story rn . im still having trouble w what their voices would sound like, speech patterns and the like, but thatd prob come around when i actually write the damn thing lol

BtSoyT - the idea itself has me so excited!!! ive been watching some horror movies, specifically recs from my friend @zebatverse hehe, and idk i feel like ive been getting more inspo and knowing what i'd wanna do if i were to write horror . i have several other ideas besides this in my notebook but this is one i wanna write the most. i even made a moodboard for it ^_^

[so-much-nonsense]

the absolute enigma

what does it take? to be at peace. to get used to things. to not feel overwhelmed everytime you experience something mildly unusual. i am super tired of feeling, i wish i could stop. watching the vampire diaries now makes me so nostalgic and i wish i had a humanity switch to just fucking shut everything off. i know this lacks all kinds of context so ill get started on a few things. today i visited someone at the hospital. a specific someone who is the most important person in my life. its nothing serious but its the most serious thing. anyways, given that i have spent so much time in and around hospitals i couldnt help but assure myself that i am used to it and that its nothing new. well, turns out only one of those two things are correct. this is nothing new to me, i have been spending so much time at hospitals since i was 10. what and why can be ignore because the reasons vary vividly from very deadly surgeries to a simple token. the feeling of walking down the long and empty hallways that are dimly lit is the feeling i know like the back of my hand. looking at terminally ill humans and just walking away as my heart cripples is a yearning that comes to me as easily as blinking. BUT what i have realised today, is that no matter how many times i do this, i will never get used to this. everytime it is still a fresh, overwhelming experience. but what matters is that this person is fine and so am i. that is it. also i keep thinking about a lot of things, always, obviously. but recently ive been pondering upon how people keep changing a lot. like a lot of time i spend thinking about this is wasted daydreaming or sum shit. this is what haunts me. everything that happens inside my brain is never real enough for the world but to me its the closest to reality ive ever been. idk if i should listen to myself or literally everyone else. its also about how i never want to give up. like, tf?? will i ever be ready to give up? honestly, i dont think so. because i want this to change. i do want to give up on certain things, that is what will enable me to enjoy what i have right now. the yearning to grow and want and have more, the potential to be in possesion of the best, is simply disabling me from enjoying where i am at right now. i keep thinking about how i dont enjoy the things i have now and how i let all the experiences pass because i am hopeful that i will get to experience something better. i can tell that i am never completely present in any situation, i keep thinking i will have the best situations to be present in. heck, i shouldve already been there, i should be there now. but i am not. i am simply choosing to deny where i am right now because i am not where i want to be. it makes a lot of sense when put into words but i hate that for myself. i like to cherish every experience, low or high. but right now, all i can think is, i am commercially analysing this and im getting into all types of politics in my head. maybe the thoughts are isolating themselves to change my likes and dislikes because thats one way of grieving. i dont want this. i hate this. hence, i want to give up on my dreams. but can i ever? i really do not think soooo ughhhh. maybe thats because i keep thinking that my dreams are not really dreams, they are goals that can be achieved. and somewhere i know that if i try hard enough i will achieve them but i just dont know why im not putting in the effort. or just why i did not put the effort the first time. but fuck it. im gonna try again. what have i got to lose? where i am right now. i hate that possibility. ik its not the greatest place but there is something about this that just clicks with me. so, like i said, ill keep trying. lol. and... uh... yeah, thats pretty much it for now. REGARDLESS (the irony), what kanan said about existential crisis flows in my veins: give up your dreams, death is coming, lets party!!

[gorbo-longstocking]

idk if this is spoilers but for hiwthi roughly where is scooter with each of the skeleboys, like obviously blue is head over heels for them and edge seems to still mostly (somewhat?) dislike them but what about the others?

not spoilers at all and im sooooo happy to answer this! to be honest, this may not be entirely accurate because i REALLY need to to back and re-read what i wrote (an epic memory issues moment on my part), once i do ill come and edit this post if ive made any errors!! for now, heres a quick answer

As of chapter twenty five, this is where scooter is with the skeleboys:

sans - they haven’t interacted a lot, so hes still suspicious of them, and i cant say hes particularly fond he kept their family history to themself, but he doesnt blame them for what happened with billy. hes still busy isolating himself and wallowing for much else though

papyrus - oh hes definitely got a crush, and is at least somewhat aware of it. the only reason he hasnt asked them out on an official date is out of concern for their mental health. undyne hears about scooter frequently during her and papyrus facetime calls. she doesnt know what they look like because every photo papyrus has sent has been blurry and bigfoot-esque.

red - hes feeling maybe a tad more than friendly feelings, and while he may not be entirely aware of them, he miiiiight be subconsciously pushing scooter away. that combined with his inability to stand up for scooter in the face of his brother may be a recipe for disaster…

edge - his feelings on scooter are dislike, but for relatively complicated reasons, most stemming from his own mental health issues that he refuses to get therapy for. is he projecting on them? yeah. he needs therapy SOOOO bad

blue - we all know how blue feels about scooter dude is head over heels. in his diary he is figuring out which sounds better: blue baskerville or scooter serif. either way is pleasantly alliterative. hes trying VERY hard to not give away his crush for a similar reason as papyrus. blue also happens to get jealous easy…..

stretch - stretch likes scooter but more in a ‘my brother’s friend/crush’ way and not much deeper. although he wouldnt be opposed to building a friendship. he definitely doesn’t like that scooter kept their past to themself. your father being an abusive murderer with a history of killing your friends is something he feels you should warn your roommates about, even if he is in prison.

lord - he likes scooter as a friend, absolutely nothing more (as he tells himself) he finds himself drawn to them on a deep emotional level, but his lack of experience with friendship has him writing this off as normal platonic feelings. lord also seems to feel guilty about something regarding scooter, wonder what thats all about…

mutt - he relates to scooter and understands their motivations and reasoning, mostly because he thinks that way too. mutt and scooter got an understanding going on between them, they both kind of Get each other. hes really not sure where this will take him, but either way, hes happy to have them in his life.

[projectshadovv]

Thoughts on shadamy? Or how you see the potential behind their dynamic? 🥺👉👈

gosh i havent thought that much about shadamy in awhile!! i was REALLLLY into it tho, just as much as i was into sonamy, like i honestly couldnt decide which i liked more.

(under read more cause once again i am Just Talk Talk Talk)

obviously now sonshadamy is the way

but ok well, i think i ship them more platonically firstofall (tho im not against romantically, we just haven't seen them together that many times? i would LOOOVE more interaction with them) and she'd be really good for helping him open up more about his thoughts and feelings, encourage him to be kind and thoughtful. people like to say that Sonic is a lot like Maria, and maybe they are similar!- Maria never got the chance to be adventurous or active though, and in SA2, Amy clearly reminded Shadow of Maria just as he was about to watch Earth be destroyed. She reminded and showed Shadow the actual meaning in Maria's words, what she wanted for Shadow and thats how he was able to save the world.

Amy's a really 'get into her feelings' kind of person and i can see her and Shadow having a few arguements and disagreements and lack of communication and understanding between them. It would def be really rocky at first (while Sonic on the other hand, just *understands* Shadow and leaves him be if needed, or confronts him directly and straight to the point). It would take a long time for Amy to really understand Shadow who's a closed door, and Amy's a open book and maybe that scares Shadow. He doesnt understand someone like her, who is so selfless and kind and lends a helping hand to anyone in need, and maybe he hates being on the other hand of that dynamic- he sees it as being weak, and Amy could teach him that theres bravery in kindness.

On a happier note tho, some activities i can see them enjoying together. Clearly Amy cant keep up with him in combat or speed, but she has a good endurance, and i can see her taking him out shopping or to local game arcades, or maybe help him with gardening. he grumbles and complains at the thought of being around people and doesnt like the center of attention but i think he'd think the experience is worth it

In battle, he'd be pretty annoyingly worried about Amy, she's not as strong or skilled as him and Sonic, or as elusive and cunning as Rouge- and you know, he wouldnt wanna lose someone close to him a second time, so he'd prob jump in front of Amy all the time and Amy would get soooo pissed off at him and theyd just get into a yelling match in the middle of the battlefield and everyone else is just face palming and its sooo awkward for everyone.

Finally, sonic who's known amy like his whole life, assures Shadow that shes more than capable of taking care of herself. Yes she was the damsel in distress in the past, but she's gotten stronger, not only for her friends but for herself and he's seen the improvement. it takes a lot of convincing to calm Shadow and so maybe he tries to work together more as a team with her. He's not used to that, so he'll still mess up and still try to get the most enemies defeated, but thats because he wants all the glory. it's still kinda annoying to Amy but he's trying i suppose!

Or maybe I'm giving Shadow too much credit, maybe he leaves Amy by herself TOO much, leaves her to fend for himself, refuses to work as a coordinated team. He's always worked alone, and when he doesn't its with Rouge, and its more like theyre fighting alone but together- if that makes sense. This irritates Amy cause 'arent we friends? friends look out for each other' and he'd be like, ive always been able to look out for myself' and she'll say 'yes but not all of us are Ultimate Lifeforms like you. What's all your power and strength for if not used to protect those who need you?' and once again she reminds him of Maria's promise. She's really good at humbling him and gently or harshly putting him back in his place depending on whats going on.

Amy of course finds herself stumped from time to time and goes to Rouge a lot for advice, to which Rouge is happy to help but says sometimes its best to leave things alone as she's learned to do when it comes to Shadow. Rouge is kinda relived too, now that Amy's trying to take over as some sort of caretaker for Shadow. Takes some of the stress out of the older girl's hair. Amy can't leave things alone though and just pushes and pushes Shadow until he snaps at her and lets her have it. It sucks but at least he's communicating. Again, Amys not one to back down and tells him that what he does hurts her and his friends. Shadow grumbles that he doesnt care but he doooes when it comes to Rouge and Amy, and eventually learns that to have the girls stop pestering him is to just *tell them* what hes thinking or feeling. He learns its just easier to do that than have them bothering him for days and days.

this is a lot of "amy makes shadow a better guy" so let me think of how Shadow helps Amy for once, okay so obvs i think he'd be up to sparring with her on a lower level to help her advance her skills. She becomes a much stronger fighter. Since she doesnt have the speed he or Sonic does, he teacher her to put all she has into her Piko Hammer, helps her go through rigorous training to better wield the weapon in a more convenient manner rather than just swinging her hammer around and wasting energy when it doesnt hit. He'll even rope Omega in who's more than happy to shoot a moving target. Amy will have to skillfully weave and dodge through it all, or use her hammer to block or deflect the projectiles.

I guess he'd tried to teach her to be more careful of the people she trusted, not to trust so easily and openly. But I think she'd be pretty adamant about it, after all, she trusted him pretty much as soon as she met Shadow, and when she met Omega (E 123 Gamma? sorry cant remember if theyre the same character), along with a bunch of other baddies. She's not afraid of getting hurt or being wrong or trying to be the try hard good guy, she cares more about giving second chances to those who want it. Shadow and Amy agree to disagree but its brought up when its relevant.

hopefully this is good enough?? idk the shadamy fanfics i read back in the day, Shadow was either a really emo guy in highschool or some guy in a gang or mafia, and along came amy this really preppy girl who'd bring him out of his shell and into the sunshine, until one day her life was in danger and he'd have to save her, and sonic was either the villian or some asshole jock kid who get jealous now that amy wasnt always on him, or it was shadow's dad LOL that was THE formula for shadamy fics back then.

[stuclyblrs]

uhhhh hi s/o to me for never fucking posting this over the summer even tho i wrote it so here’s a very late “first year of college reflection that i put off for too long and now dont rmr everything i wanted to talk about” post :]  even tho my first semester of soph year is almost done lolol so look out for another reflection post in two weeks or so 

im gonna /try/ and organize this but i def i wanna do this for my own sake and as a good post to look back on when i graduate ya know :^) i do wish i had wrote a post first about my expectations but i didnt (((if ur curious before we dive into this post heres class reflections from first semester and heres second semester)))

now one thing i did have was a letter to ourselves that we were required to write for our cohorts so lets look at that a little !! jkjk i cant find it LMAO only thing i rmr from it tho was a gpa goal which i 100% did not meet first semester but my overall gpa for the year reached it so thats good :^) and i can tell i got happier based on what i do rmr

some college life/nyc life

i love it

thats all i really have to say

being in the city is soooo amazing i love just being able to walk everywhere and take public transport when going somewhere far (on a related note my car died so like jakgnj wont have that problem in a city!)

this is all on me tho but i didnt take advantage of living in nyc tho :((( the only time i went to a play is when my mom and aunt came to visit and i only went to one museum and that was the day i moved out cause i wasnt abt to leave without going to one skngeujkg

IM SO SOCIAL NOW !!!!! i didnt rly have any friends outside of school during high school so i never did anything but now !!! i have friends !!! rly good friends too and idk im just really lucky to have met them and a lot of it was just being in the right place at the right time kind of thing so !! if anything im the most social of my friend group lol im always trying to get everyone to do smth together but they never want to :((((

school itself

uhh okay so i am very mixed on this and i think i have more regrets than anything else sigh :/// i went in undecided like most ppl and in all honesty i came out even more lost and confused which (might start to get negative here sorry) is really frustrating and it makes me feel like i wasted a whole year :/// i just knew deep down before i began the year that i didnt want to study something non-stem and i let too many people convince me that i should go for something else and i listened to all of them......... i didnt hate the classes i was taking so it didnt ruin the year for me or anything but im just behind and lost that year to figure out /which/ path i want... given its harder to do stem majors in 3yrs im worried about making this big change in my life b/c what if i fail ??? what if i hate it ??? but im trying smth new and i just hope it works out

college itself tho....... infinitely better than high school. i knew in highschool that it was Bad but coming to college and then coming back home and hearing updates that were going on at my high school and just yeah....... pls it never really hit me just how restrictive high school was - we had two late night fire alarms in my dorm and it was like ??? we can just leave the area if we want ??? we dont have to stay nearby the dorm like how we had to stay with our classes during fires at school ??? idk it was a weird thought that hey, im in control of myself here and i like not having classes for 7hrs straight lmao - for my high school friends reading this i swear it gets better people werent lying about it

IN CONCLUSION idk what else to say lol cause i shouldve done this right when the semester ended.... but given that i was very sad when i moved out i think thats a sign that my first year was more good than it was bad and im just glad that im that im in the college that im in and that ive been having a mostly good experience

[irregulardiaryposts]

15:58 13/11/2021

im bored

with life

with everything

why am i so demotivated

why do i have such little energy to do things

the only times of the day i look forward to is going home and eating food

i keep making food even when im not hungry becuase im bored

but nothing really fills me up

this has started really sadly but in all fairness i am listening to mitski.

update time i suppose: im in uni now, i dont remember the last time i wrote but i know i havent since starting uni. i was soooo bored before starting uni i think i wouldve rathered a job than sitting around doing nothing, and i hate the idea of having a job. then i was really anxious about staring uni coz i didnt go to freshers week so i didnt know the area at all and i didnt know anyome and i hadnt interacted with people in such a long time i didnt know how to talk to strangers. i still dont, i feel so out of touch with everyone. if i were to describe how i feel i would say lonely but in truth not much has changed, so maybe ive always been lonely. i just dont notice it at this point. theres no excitement in my life but i feel there should be. i just cant connect with strangers, i dont know how to talk, idk if what im saying to them is relevant or makes any sense or if im just the weirdo that doesnt understand how to speak. but i also dont think id like the opposite, i dont think ill ever have many friends, proper friends. i only really have one person that i can be myself with but i dont see her much. im supposed to want to go out to clubs and make loads of friends and have new experiences but i feel so restricted and that i cannot do any of those things coz of my age and that i dont think im the type of person anyone would invite to those things. unis a new experience but its the same as school, im surrounded by people i feel i cant really talk to without ostracizing myself, im overwhelmed with the workload because i cannot focus enough to do it and i feel so different from everyone else. except this time i dont really have friends to laugh with over lunch. i keep everything bottled now and i feel it sitting heavy within me. im uninterested in my life, im not even depressed coz i can still function 'normally' but i feel like a robot not really experiencing anything. i want more hobbies but that costs money i dont have. i want to draw and paint but i cannot put any energy into finishing things, or i get distracted, or bored by it. i want to watch more stuff, have things im interested in and keep up with but that takes up so much effort. i still read i guess just not books because theyre too much work. but even that is unfulfilling. how do people go through life feeling like this. i went to a halloween party but ultimately that bored me too because the people were boring so i drank too much and ignored people to play mariokart. why are other people so boring, is it just i cant connect with them enough to see how they arent boring? do i demand too much of them to ask them to be interesting? that sounds kinda terrible. im too independent to the point i am isolated from everyone else. this is just me wallowing in my misery this isnt even a good update. i dont know what i want out of life and it weighs on me. i know i dont have to have it figured out but its hard not having a goal or any wants in life. i was gonna say i want a gf but that wouldnt fix anything. i just want to be understood and have friends, genuine friends, but idk who would wanna be friends with the person i pretend to be. but the 'real' me is too much. how do i be in between. how can i be enough but not too much. i try to romanticise my life sometimes but i know thats because im woefully bored with existence.

bleugh bluh bleh blaugh bahbahabwefbhhbfwjh

byebye

[saints-row-2]

talking about life stuff 

im still jobless and im meeting up w/ an agency that helps ppl find volunteering gigs so hopefully that should be interesting at least and grab some experience but im really feeling like... kind of apathetic about the future like i dont feel particularly motivated about any career... atm im trying to start working on short stories to sell and i care about that a lot more than any job in particular...

i just like. theres no like. career i really care about getting. ive been trying to get into publishing (and failing lol) as an editor and that would be cool but i dont like. feel super passionate about that atm like i dont really. care. like i dont have dreams for any job other than to be an author like i want to be a novelist and i dont super give a shit about anything else.

except. like. teaching. like pretty much my whole childhood i wanted to be a teacher and like that was literally always the plan until i got into university and i totally forgot about it in the last few years bcs i decided i had to get involved in writing as a career. and now ive like. remembered it suddenly. and its suddenly been something ive been really thinking about like ive even been looking into teacher training stuff... 

like part of me is like. you really wanted to do this for a long time. but another part of me knows that ive latched onto this idea bcs going for teaching would be like. like its A Goal to work towards instead of doing what im doing atm which is kind of aimlessly drifting around trying to work out what i wanna do which is kind of the default state for 20 year olds. like doing teacher training would be more time in uni and more time in training and not like.... being on my own. like its easy i guess is my point. obviously its not easy to become a teacher but its easy to latch onto smth as a goal when theres nothing else around.

but at the same time. i love the idea of being a high school teacher so much. i love the idea. i think about it all the time. but i dont think its a good idea to start committing to something when im in such an emotionally vulnerable place in general.

like. idk. its hard not knowing what youre doing. i really hate not being in university anymore. i still feel very unequipped for life. but! hey thats what the volunteering stuff is about. i wanna get experience i wanna work... if i spend time doing that itll boost my general confidence i think and then we’ll see. im still putting a loose deadline that if im not like.. working or in an internship or something at the end of the year im gonna start really seriously looking at phd or teacher training options but we’ll see where i am mentally. at the end of the year! thats where im at. 

god i keep obsessing over this teaching thing and i just know its gonna be soooo embarrassing if i like totally forget about it again in two months!!  but thats why im just thinking about it im not committing. 

[irregulardiaryposts]

16:35 01/03/2021

so. its now march!!!!! march is an okay month. but it also means its been a year since corona really kicked off and thats proper weird to think about. it feels like absolutely fuck all has actually changed but yet im a very different person yk. i played minecraft for 10 hrs last week. im addicted to it. this time last year i was kinda sick and we thought i had corona but since testing wasnt really available i just had to stay home ages. it was horrible but to think that was a whole YEAR ago is absolutely fucking wild. 

anyway back to minecraft. i absolutely love it. its such a simple game and you can truly play however you want to. like. if u dont want to bother beating the enderdragon or doing any serious grind stuff, you can literally just fuck about doing whatever you wanna do... u wanna build a little cottage in the woods? yes. u wanna pick lowers and decorate and build cute farms? yes. u wanna explore a vast and expansive world filled with literally endless possibilities and find pets and loot and different biomes and blocks? yes. you wanna mess around with ur friends? yes. u wanna do pvp or multiplayer games? yes. u wanna meet new people? yes. u wanna play by yourself and become exceedingly rich? yes. u wanna do all this and comforted by the melodic tunes and beautiful landscapes? yesssssssss. it literally has something for everyone but people get so pissy about how others play its soooo annoying. like so what if someone wants to go into creative and cheat or they wanna play on peaceful or they have keep inventory on? they are playing the game in the way they enjoy the most, the way that makes them happiest, makes them comforted, allows then to enjoy playing it. coz i bet if everyone was made to play the exact same way and there was no way to customise your experience, it would not be nearly as popular as it is. it probs wouldve died out if people werent enjoying it because they got frustrated by it, or too scared to lose their things to progress in the game, or too anxious to play because its scary and they dont know how to beat things. or if people play solely in creative and they enjoy that the most and wanna try survival, they dont deserve to get made fun of coz they want to ease their way into harder things. or if someone just wants to build or just explore or just tame a million dogs, as long as they are happy they are already enjoying the game to the max, they dont deserve people being like “ if u play without X youll enjoy it more coz thats the way we play it” like fuck off it would be like if a hardcore players was like “play in hardcore or ur stupid” ppl would get mad because thats not the way they want to play it and they wouldnt enjoy it as much or at all as the hardcore player does. and dont even get me started on this whole bedrock vs java bs. this its such a waste of time like??? who benefit from this argument? because its silly java players think they are automatically better than every bedrock player because they have java. 

like obviouslyyyyyy java is better and im sure a lot of bedrock players would rather java, but u cant lie and say that a lot of og players didnt start on bedrock and then upgrade to java, because as kids u cant really afford a proper pc but everyone has an xbox or an ipad lol. like they literally forget that they probably started playing on bedrock too. and its so stupid because yes while bedrock is a little shit in comparison to java, ITS STILL THE SAME FUCKING GAME just be glad were not fucking fortnite players jesus its pathetic. yes this is essentially a minecraft post and what fucking about it. i told u im obsessed with it. 

i should talk about something else. perhaps my crippling procrastination? its absolutely abysmal how shit at school i am now. i get two unconditional offers and suddenly i think i dont need to do a single bit of work (its kinda true tho) i only have three classes and in doing 1 and 1/2 of them. im not even bothering studying for prelims/exams whatever the fuck because im hopeless. theres no point because even if i do end up doing the exam and i fail theres absolutely no consequences because i have 0 shame. ill walk out of an exam i failed with my head held high because i know uni will be so much better - ill only have one subject, one i actually enjoy and want to do work for (only somewhat tho, my procrastination problems still carry through, im actually doing this instead of a 15 min thing for class but whatever) ill have a reduced working day, i can focus on just one subject, ill have other things to work on too like a part time (scary) and car (exciting) and ill get to meet new people that also want to learn spanish and are interested in it too, and i want to make more friends and i want to be more independent (moving out??? hopefully but also scary) 

i cant believe im actually at a point in my life where im actually interested in the future and want to live to see it (lol yeah) like i wonder what 13 yo me would think. even 15 yo me. i wonder how 20 yo me will look back on this. hi me if ur reading. do u have a s/o?? or new friends? how many new experiences have u had? are u comfortable in ur life? struggling ? happy? i hope ur happy coz u deserve to be. i deserve to be. i hope u have a good time reading these. i dont know if ill ever forget about this blog or not. what was i talking about tho. procrastination. its horrible, I hope u get that fixed pls tell me u do. also please tell me u get better at typing.  this has accidently turned into a speaking to ur future self thing. ill stop now. 

im a very good procrastinator. and my ability to actually focus on stuff has been getting comical. idk if its the pandemics fault or mine or schools but is a bloody issue and it needs to get better. i guess its coz i just have absolutely 0 energy do do what i need to or it just absolutely does not interest me to do it and i know theres absolutely no consequences to it looool. 

every now and then theres a day where i feel very unproductive and lazy and it feels like how it used to. a sort of growing annoyance at myself and feeling like a slug. idk some days i feel teleported back to like almost 4 years ago and idk what to do about it. i used to have a coping mechanism (?) where if i felt bad about stuff id just shower, wash my hair and put on new pjs and do something i wanted to do. it kinda put me in a clearer headspace and allowed be to get out of a slump for like 20 mins. u could call it self care or whatever but it genuinely was like washing the bad thoughts away and starting anew (is that the word) like i was able to think more rationally and get back into the semi real world but i was also doing it because i never used to have a proper shower routine, i used to go days without showering or getting out of bed for much and it kinda feels good to have this little reboot thing where i just shower to get me away from straying back there. 

idk. am i articulating well enough. ive written a lot i think. is there any more updates? nothing really apart from my growing disinterest in all things school lmao. anyway until next time i suppose (will probs be either never or like june lol)