#but without the commitment and guilt of having to actually accomplish said things when I inevitably fail

[dragon-queen21]

Ughh I can't write- nothing is sounding good- this is stupid- I'm never going to write again- I hate this- everything I've made is horrible- I hate my characters- hate my fandoms- I lkjsdkhdhbjbs

[lyledebeast]

The Duality of Martin

Over the years, let's not dwell on how many, I've found that a lot of people's problems with The Patriot lie with its main character, and most of those lie with his inconsistency. Benjamin Martin doesn't support the war, but then changes his mind when the very things he predicted come to pass. He loves his children, but he abandons them multiple times. He's a devout Christian who spends most of the film's plot pursuing vengeance. He has and eats his cake like a certain queen of France, but without facing similar consequences, of course. All this contributes to a character who is meant to be complex but is instead incredibly frustrating to watch. So, this rewatch, I wanted to think about how he might actually be made interesting.

Commentors I have much respect for have suggested that just acknowledging that Martin is not a paragon of moral virtue would go a long way. I agree, but I think acknowledging that there are two different Martins would go further. There is one man who is genuinely concerned for his family and wants to keep them from harm, and it is this same Martin who plans to return to his children after burying Gabriel. It's possibly even the same Martin who declares that his men will, henceforth, spare any wounded or surrendering British soldiers while nearly standing on a pile of dead ones. Then there's the other guy, the one who arms his children and takes them to a massacre where they collectively kill twenty men, punctuated by him hacking a fleeing soldier into mincemeat. It's not just that Martin has a temper when provoked, because the same Martin who does this, who ordered the atrocities at Fort Wilderness, also believes what he does is justifiable.

While watching over Gabriel's corpse, Martin asks, "Why do men think they can justify death?" Well, Benjamin, let's rewind to just about twenty minutes or so earlier when you said, "As long as your officers target civilians, I will order the shooting of officers at the start of every engagement." I mean . . . if you don't know . . .

Wouldn't it be so much better if the violence, and the justification for it, belonged to one part of Martin's psyche and the awareness of guilt and consequences belonged to the other, and the central conflict of this film was between these two parts? It would mean giving up Colonel Tavington as an antagonist, which would be a wildly different film, but just hear me out. If Martin's main conflict was internal, there would be opportunity for genuine reflection and change. Martin could actually deal with his past instead of just shutting it up in a trunk and hoping everyone forgets about it.

The story we have spends about a quarter of its screentime setting Martin up as this humble, peace-loving father, but that characterization is quickly overshadowed by the violent, sanctimonious one and only trotted out when needed to do damage control for the second characterization's antics. Instead of actually giving Martin complexity, the narrative relies on Tavington as a foil to show what a bad war criminal looks like. That this contrast minimizes Martin's atrocities is probably unavoidable.

Martin's choice of violence in this film is, initially, a response to British violence. I'm not saying the British wouldn't commit atrocities in the version I imagine, but that could be accomplished without a British main antagonist. Let's say a British officer does order Gabriel executed, burn the Martin home, and murder the Continental soldiers and Thomas. But then we never see that officer again. Let's say Martin and his sons carry out the massacre in the woods, but rather than having Martin say "I have done nothing, and of that I am ashamed" after he's done . . . THAT, let's make THAT a relapse he deeply regrets. Let's have him endure the fear in his children's eyes for more than just one (1) night. Let's have Martin. not Gabriel, be the one to flip out over his men shooting surrendering British soldiers. Martin claiming to be traumatized by his own actions at Fort Wilderness nearly twenty years ago would carry a lot more weight if he hadn't committed similarly extreme acts just months prior that are never referenced again. Let's acknowledge the horror of Martin's violent actions and let his better nature prevail.

I'm not saying this would be a better movie than Roland Emmerich's The Patriot (2000), but I could sympathize with this version of Martin far more than the one who gets to enjoy all the benefits of violence without facing any of the consequences (at least not himself). This has been an intellectual exercise. Obviously. the version with Tavington is more enjoyable because . . . Tavington!

[lieshot]

It wasn't as if he never talked about it. There were plenty of doctors he had to see as they worked to get the last bits of brainwashing out of his mind. A 'conditional term' they had called it for him to walk free of the crimes he had committed as Trickshot. Weekly visits as they tried to get rid of the last cobwebs still in the dark recesses of his own mind. It often involved venturing into that darkness. The void where the WORST memories rested. A mix of childhood and adult horrors that would have most retreating from any form of society. Which, in a way he had by being on the farm but Clint had offered. Still it wasn't all tests and deconditioning, it was TALKING. Trying to 'deal' with the trauma and avoid him slipping back into that mindset.

It was a whole different ballpark when it came to talking to his brother about it. Doctors in lab coats were one things, names and faces he had never known before and without any real ATTACHMENT to. One day he might be free of them entirely and never see them again. But Clint? Oh, Clint was one of the few that made his chest tighten at the thought of disclosing what all he had gone through. Clint, the last of his own blood and one of the few that might understand even a SMIDGE of what had fucked up his mind so bad. He knew Harold, he knew the very start of it all. And Barney did not want to see that pathetic look in his eyes when the TRUTH finally broke free like a dam bursting open.

When he had seen his brother as his enemy, it had been different. All that pain loaded into a weapon as a means to HURT and place guilt on the younger Barton. It wasn't copy, it was making a weapon out of it aimed solely at Clint. Barney could spit all those bitter words and not give a damn because, at the end of the day, it was supposed to have been Clint's FAULT.

At least, so said his fucked up head.

❝  Well we can both agree on something: You're stupid as hell. ❞ Even as the topic bordered on a RAW topic, there was no resisting the brotherly urge to shit talk the other, to send a completely unprompted jab his way. It was enough to make the corners of the older Barton's lips twitch upwards ever so slightly before settling back down. Well, it might also put Clint off and start a tangent about how he wasn't stupid or go on to list his accomplishments or some other STUPID shit. Either way would be better than having to actually stop and talk about ANYTHING related to where he had been. Even if it meant listening to Clint ramble on for the next hour how he did alright for an ex-carnie with a bow and arrow.

Arguing and bickering, calling each other names, that was the EASY thing to do. It came natural now that there was a fairly minimal chance of Barney relapsing and trying to spring back into murder mode. He always caught himself just before or just enough to purposely MISS throwing something deadly. Bickering was a natural thing for brothers to do as was tackling one another when they got fed up with the other's shit. It was normal or at least as normal as they could ever get and, for now, he was clinging DESPERATELY to that normalcy. Even if it meant waking up from the nightmares night after night, even if it meant zoning out and finding his mind right back in that place.

He snorted, glancing between his brother and the tractor before reaching for a wrench to get back to work. It wasn't that bad, just needed some fixing up. He had certainly put the work in on the farm when they were younger just to get out of the house and it was amazing what could come back to life. ❝  Just because you couldn't fix her up doesn't mean I can't. Even if the animals like it, you could keep at least around the house DECENT, y'know. ❞ 

➫ CLINT knew it was coming, there was a lot about Barney that he was still unclear about. A lot of questions swirling in his mind, practically every time he looked at the guy, watched his movements; a new one would pop up every time he was awoken by screaming. It was the same question he had been asking himself since that first arrow had struck him. Where had Barney gone and how far did he go. That version of the question was more poetic than how his mouth chose to blurt it out, one hot afternoon. He had wondered why Barney chose to work on that rusting piece of crap on the hottest day of all days, punishment maybe? The screaming was especially bad last night, and the guilt, the questions, they weighed on Clint harder than they had ever before.

The blonde had sauntered into the barn after him, trying to sneak but he knows that’s not a good idea. The various attempts to comfort his big brother had resulted in various knives and scissors being wielded or thrown. Clint rubs the front of his neck at the thought and swallows before he heads in. He pretended not to notice how the guy tensed when he asked, the question had been looming between them for awhile, like a stranger. They both knew it, it was obvious in the way they could barely hold up a conversation about anything that wasn’t mundane. Clint wanted a better relationship, to get over this guilt they both held.

“Man, don’t do that… I’m stupid, yeah, and I may be deaf, sure. And TVs usually don’t bother me, but I know what human screaming is. That wasn’t a fucking TV.” He shakes his head, hands on his hips and he thinks of Natasha, her scolding him when he was being too stubborn to talk about stuff that was real. The archer had to be smart about this, tactical, easing around the subject like the wild animal he was. At least for now, deadly and dangerous, not that Clint had anything to fear from his brother anymore. If that meant getting stabbed, he still wouldn’t feel any bitterness or fear for him. Barney was the only real family he had besides Nat. He treasured relationships like that more times than he could count.

There’s a sigh that leaves him, remorseful in its tone. “I’m sorry.. I just want to help. And not on that rust bucket, she’s seen better days that are long behind her. Besides, the goats and sheep love the tall grass. Lucky, too.” Speaking of, she hadn’t left his side since he arrived, though she didn’t typically sleep with the older Barton, she certainly tried tailing behind him always, letting him know, in her own way, that she was there. Lucky was absent for this conversation, snoozing happily on the porch in her own sunbeam.

[geminitarotmagick]

Full Moon Pick a Card Reading, Blackpink Edition

On this rare form of Blue Moon, take a deep breath and choose one of these four piles. Each pile holds various messages that you need to hear at this time. But remember, this is a general reading, so take what resonates and discard whatever does not.

If you would like a personal reading from me, I open mini reading requests every Monday where I will answer your question with five cards. Please only ask one question per ask per week, and make sure to leave a name/nickname/initial by which to call you when leaving your reading request.

But if you'd like something more in depth, or have a more urgent question, I am also currently offering in depth personal readings. More info on how to request an in depth paid reading here.

With that said, choose the pile that calls to you, and find your messages under the cut.

Decks used: Therapets, Way of the Panda Tarot, Light Seers Tarot, Wild Unknown Animal Spirits, Shine From The Inside Oracle, Barbieri Zodiac Oracle, Oracle of the Fairies, The Deck (Custom Made Blackpink Oracle Deck)

PILE ONE:

There's some guilt that you're being called to let go of. There are situations in your past that have caused you to regret how you acted, whether it be that you didn't stand up for yourself or that you hurt someone with things that were said. These situations have been prominent in your mind recently, but it's important to understand the bigger picture here. You're called to reflect on these moments and discover what lesson you were supposed to be learning from those experiences. These things happened so that you could grow, not so that you could be stuck in guilt. Allow yourself to make peace with these situations or people in whatever way that means to you, absorb the lesson, and then release the experience.

You're being called to be kind to yourself, and be patient as life changes and evolves around you. You have strong values, and it's important to stand firm in those while also staying true to yourself and staying grounded. When you're grounded and in tune with yourself, you can move mountains, so it's important for you to really allow yourself to find that center where you can return to when things get hard. It will be much easier for you to do this when you've released the guilt and negativity that is blocking you from achieving this state of mind. Whatever situations cause you stress and anxiety when you think about them, it's time to let go of them.

Now is a good time for you to work towards setting boundaries with the people around you as well. This isn't meant to push people away from you, but it is important to establish to those around you what is ok and not ok, and for you to love yourself enough to set these limits with people. There is insecurities that you have, but remember that most people do in fact want you to let them know when things aren't ok, and the people who care about you will appreciate you doing this. Without these boundaries in place, you're kept in a place of stagnation that doesn't allow you to grow, so please realize how integral setting these boundaries really is to your growth and wellbeing.

The fear of change is normal, but it won't prevent things from shifting, so learning to embrace it is key. This stems from that patience with yourself, but it also comes from allowing yourself to live in the now and let go of the anxiety about what "could be". It's important to be honest with yourself about what is holding you back and holding you in patterns that aren't serving you. This is a great time to start working on building your self confidence and self love, but this can only be achieved after you take a hard look at yourself and honestly assess what things are helping you and what things are hindering you.

One thing that will really help you to grow with this is to celebrate your own victories. No matter how small or large they are, progress is progress, and you deserve to feel accomplished for evolving and making positive changes. Also be open to the signs around you that you're on the right track. Sometimes these signs will be big. Sometimes they'll be subtle. But know that they're always there, and they're always ready to encourage you and cheer you on.

Focus your energy on breaking free of these things holding you back, and making tough decisions. To do this, you might need to step out of your comfort zone by taking risks and doing things you consider scary, but it'll pay off. It's also important to focus on understanding not only yourself, but others, and to not let harsh emotions like anger cloud your judgment.

Lastly, your Therapets card (top middle) is provided as a source of encouragement for you. The truth is, you're far more capable than you feel.

Cards Pulled: Reverse Four of Cups, Reverse Strength, Fire, Air, Celebration, Nature's Signs, Elk, Reverse Death, Reverse Queen of Wands, Hope Not, Tune Into Your Inner Peace, "The truth is, you're far more capable than you feel."

PILE TWO:

You're being called to evaluate the situations you're in and the people you're surrounding yourself with, and to walk away from the people and situations that are no longer serving you. You have so much worth that you don't even realize because these things are weighing you down and blocking you from even realizing it. It might hurt at the moment to remove yourself from these things and people, but there are so many better things on the horizon for you, so long as you clear your energy to allow it to flow to you.

You've allowed yourself to be swayed by others opinions of you, and in doing so have allowed your own desires to be ignored. It's time for you to take your power back, and focus again on what it is that you want out of your life. It's also important to surround yourself with positive friends, and people who will encourage you following your dreams and doing things that make you happy. Take the time to focus on yourself and your own self care, and remember that it doesn't make you selfish to think about yourself. With these new friends, make sure to balance between giving to them and not burning yourself out so that this can be a more positive experience for both of you, and commit to keeping it that way.

This is a wonderful time to break out of the auto pilot mode you've put yourself into, and to put an end to that cycle. To put an end to that though, you need to be able to deal with past traumas you've been through in your life and make peace with them. This won't be easy to do, but it's necessary work to be able to move forward positively. You'll see so many blessings coming into your life when you choose to do the inner work and choose joy in the future. Make sure to have gratitude for all the things that come your way as well, as showing gratitude will make way for more positivity to continue to flow in. Let go of the past, allow yourself to trust the people in your present, set your boundaries, and allow all of that to bring to you situations that are more positive and divine.

There might even be desires of yours that you've kept hidden for so long that you don't even remember that you wanted it. Allow yourself to tap back into these desires that have remained hidden, and know that you can achieve them if you truly set your mind to it. You might not be perfect at it on the first try, but that's ok. As long as you go into it with an open mind and pure intentions, things will work out for your highest good. and work out the way they're supposed to. This is a great time for you to set goals and think about the things you want to accomplish, and allow your emotions to guide you towards setting goals that align with your dreams. Also allow yourself to listen to your intuition and that inner voice in your head. If you're drawn towards something, and it won't cause you any harm, then go for it.

Lastly, your Therapets card (top middle) is provided as a source of encouragement for you. You're not going to succeed at everything you do, and that's okay.

Cards pulled: Reverse Knight of Pentacles, Ten of Swords, Saturn, Moon, Lost and Found, Pure Intentions, Starfish, Nine of Cups, Reverse Nine of Wands, See U Later, Commit to Self Care Rituals, "You're not going to succeed at everything you try, and that's okay."

PILE THREE:

It's so important for you to remember that you don't need to have everything figured out all the time. Life isn't as serious as you're making it out to be right now, and you're just causing yourself unnecessary stress. Allow yourself to actually live life, not just worry about life. Your past is holding you down right now. It's important for you to do some inner child work so that you can rise from the ashes of your past and move forward. This is a great time to let go of the baggage that's weighing you down, and let yourself move forward feeling lighter.

It's time for you to let go of these burdens, and allow yourself to rest and relax. This is a time for deep healing, if you allow yourself to do the work and feel the feelings. Doing that will help you to get realigned with yourself and find the emotional release that you've been needing.

You're confined to your comfort zone right now, but growth exists outside of it. So push yourself to try new things, have new experiences and think new thoughts. It's okay to start small, but remember you can't grow if you stay in the same place, so keep moving forward and keep pushing yourself.

You might be called to help others during this time as well, and you might find healing though helping others to find their healing. It'll help you to find your own self worth and remember just how special you are as well. You're not paying attention to your inner voice right now, and it's time to listen to it and think about what it is that you want, and allow your intuition to guide you.

Be receptive to the world around you, and allow it to inspire you to heal. There is hope on the horizon for you. You just need to allow it to find its way to you. Find the bright side of your situation, and hold onto that glimmer of light, and allow it to grow into a bigger and bigger light. You have the ability to change a negative situation into a positive one if you hold onto the light.

Allow yourself to feel the joy that feels most authentic to you. It's important to focus on what feels most authentic to yourself, but be patient with yourself as you do this. Keep the hope and the faith that you will find yourself, even if it takes more time than you'd initially like for it to.

Lastly, your Therapets card (top middle) is provided as a source of encouragement for you. You are going to get through this just fine.

Cards pulled: The Star, Eight of Cups, Jupiter, Sagittarius, Inspiration, Hope, Phoenix, Four of Pentacles, Reverse High Priestess, Forever Young, Step Out of Your Comfort Zone and Try Something New, "You are going to get through this just fine."

PILE FOUR:

This is a very successful time for you, so remember to celebrate your wins. It doesn't matter how big or small they are. Allow yourself to revel in the feelings of success or satisfaction, because acknowledging those feelings will allow more of it to flow to you.

You might be finding yourself at a crossroads in life, and you might be trying to rationalize which path you should take. Drown out all the noise, and allow your intuition to guide you. If you really take the time to stop and listen, you'll find that you know what choice you should make already. Don't judge yourself for being unsure tho, and don't judge yourself for wanting to make a decision that others might not consider to be the "right" one. Those people are not you. You have to do what's right for you, and show yourself love and patience for having the courage to make that choice. Others opinions of what you choose to do does not matter.

You're a very caring person, and you wear your heart on your sleeve sometimes, and there's no shame in that. Allow that to be a strength and not a weakness, and let that propel you into manifesting the things you desire. You're moving towards even more success, so don't doubt yourself.

This is a time for creativity for you, so allow those ideas to flow through you and to you. You'll be opened up to new paths and new relationships with this, so allow the abundance to flow to you, and allow yourself to take this path with empathy, both towards yourself and towards the people who come into your life. Don't allow yourself to get overwhelmed and get cold. Your heart is your greatest asset. Allow it to stay open, despite what might happen.

Use nature to help you find your center during this time, and use it as a way to find peace when things get stressful. There's a lot of positive change coming to your life. Don't fear it. Embrace it, and embrace all of your wonderful manifestations. But if you find yourself feeling out of balance, allow yourself to take a walk or take a break in nature to help yourself get grounded again.

This is a great time to work on what you consider your own personal freedom. Big change is coming to you, and you're allowed to change as a person as well. Allow your self confidence to build as these changes come your way, and assess what things feel right to you as things shift. Once again, it's important to be patient with yourself, but it's also important to remember that you do have control of some things. Issues surrounding your personal identity and how you express yourself might come up during this time, so allow yourself to work through that and to give yourself the time you need to find what's right for you and to heal what isn't.

Lastly, your Therapets card (top middle) is provided as a source of encouragement for you. You're not going to succeed at everything you do, and that's okay.

Cards pulled: Knight of Cups, Eight of Wands, Sun, Uranus, Manifestation, Go Outside, Tarantula, The Empress, Ace of Cups, How You Like That, Stop Judging and Start Loving, "You need to give yourself time to heal, no matter how long that ends up being."

[sepublic]

Reset Eda?

           So @kprapture brought up the idea of Eda being de-aged back to her pre-curse self, the typical antics she’d get into with Luz… And how Lilith might consider the idea of making this reversal, this reset, permanent- So Eda could live the curse-free life she properly deserved, with a support network of a wiser Lilith, Luz and King, a Hexside that would let her study multiple tracks, etc. And this idea is just messing me up, because…

           There are two ways to approach this. Option A, Reset Eda has no memories of her original life growing up, getting old from the curse, meeting Luz, etc. Option B, Reset Eda DOES retain those memories;

           Option A would be messed-up, because it wouldn’t just kill the Eda we know… It’d effectively wipe her out of existence. If there’s an afterlife for the Boiling Isles, which there probably is since the Oracle Coven exists, and we’ve already seen at least one ghost in this show… Then, I don’t see Eda choosing this option on her deathbed, because then she’d never move on to the afterlife, maybe never get to see her parents, and then catch up with her loved ones when THEY inevitably die…

           The thing about Eda, is- I think she doesn’t regret her life. She doesn’t regret the decisions she’s made, and ultimately she’s content where she’s ended up, especially since Luz and King are there. Having written about her in the past, I see Eda as someone who if given the chance to change it all, would have it remain the same; Yeah, her life isn’t ideal, but still. Eda owns what happened to her, she makes it her own, and I don’t think she’d want to let go of that, alongside her sense of identity…

           Now, there ARE better ways to learn the things that Eda, ways that are less painful and torturous. Whatever Eda learned from the curse, she could’ve easily learned without it- It’s why she’s so adamant as a teacher towards protecting Luz from the traumas that Eda herself endured… Because Eda knows that Luz can learn just the same things she did, without having to go through that pointless pain. And maybe some lessons just aren’t worth it, but what’s done is done so you may as well make the most of the knowledge you got. That trauma isn’t going away… Except in this scenario, it could.

           It’s kind of an ethical dilemma, and I could potentially imagine Eda maybe, just maybe, considering ‘sacrificing’ her entire existence up until this point, to pave the way for a better, happier Reset Eda… I’ve talked a lot about Eda being used to loss and trying to weaponize and make the most of it by turning into a sacrifice for the greater good, for someone else to benefit from her tragedies. Maybe Eda might see it this way- Giving up her life so some other kid, as this Reset Eda would be considered ‘different’ from her, can have a happy and better life…

           But the thing is; Eda’s life is saving, she knows this, an entire crowd knows this and protested against Belos over this indisputable reality. She doesn’t have to die, just to ‘save’ a life that neither exists, nor is meant to… Eda can invest that energy into other kids who already exist, or are intended to be by their would-be parents, and she certainly doesn’t have to DIE just to make life better for them! Eda can even invest that energy into making herselfhappier, her own life better… Yes, her time on this world has unfortunately been shortened thanks to the curse, but it’s still there and remaining, and Eda DID have plenty of time with it that she ultimately made the most of.

           I’ve written about it before, but I think that Eda would ultimately decide not to change a thing, she made it clear to Lilith that living as a wild witch would’ve happened even without the curse, and that was Eda’s intention as a child before she learned of the curse no less. And, I can see Reset Eda agreeing… Because if Reset Eda is presented with this reality, with Luz and King and Lilith explaining how she grows up with a curse, and the kind of life she lives… Well, we see how young Eda casually tosses aside the Coven System to her sister. She’s very much Go Big or Go Home, the kind of person who fully commits to her own actions and owns them, fully accepting what happens. I think Reset Eda would at least appreciate the perspective she’d get from her cursed life, and how it can be helpful towards vouching for that kind of thing to never exist for anyone else…

           Now, Reset Eda might hesitate about getting cursed- But if it’s to save and retain herself in a sense, her own actions and accomplishments, a life she made for herself and was proud of? I think Reset Eda would shrug, and ask Lilith and the others to bring it on, to bring her back to the present- Because she’s impatient to get to that point, I imagine Reset Eda would ‘miss’ her life as Eda the Owl Lady, sister to Lilith, surrogate mother to Luz and King, creator of Owlbert, begrudging acquaintance of Hooty, etc.

          Her cursed life wasn’t ideal, but there’s something good and irreplaceable to it, just as each and every person is unique in their own special way; And Reset Eda wouldn’t want to lose something that had existed and is at stake here, just for a life that never actually did. Even if her life was garbage, well- Eda is always someone who finds meaning and value from garbage, and even creates it when none is there, or disagrees with the purpose others originally intended anyway! She says how she feels about what she has in life, not others!

           Reset Eda might agree with her older self about getting that better life for other kids, like Luz, because that’s what Eda DID work on doing, and she made some decent success at this no less! Of course, I can imagine some initial angst and dilemma, as Reset Eda isn’t as wise as our Eda- So it might take her longer to reach this conclusion, or she’d be a bit more hesitant. But then again, Young/Reset Eda openly defied the Coven System to the Emperor’s Coven own face, publically… So she seems both proud and unapologetic about her choices, to the point of fully owning the consequences and trouble that come with them- Just like our Eda. We don’t know the exact differences between Young Eda and our Eda, but we know that there are a lot of fundamental similarities in ideals.

           Plus, I imagine that if Reset Eda were to be undone, and returned to the Eda we know… Well, she’d retain her memories of having been ‘reset’, as a young Eda who suddenly woke up surrounded by Luz and King and a much older Lilith, and got to know them and her own future before making the decision to keep it. It’d be sweet for Eda to reflect on what just happened and what she missed, to look at Luz and the others… And then smile and nod, remarking that she’s really missed this and definitely wouldn’t have given it up for anything. Besides, it’s not like she’d deprive Luz and the others of the Eda they know and love, she’s not going to do away with that Owl Lady, any time soon! Reset Eda would still ‘remain’, she just wouldn’t have lived out THAT life… In exchange for retaining her cursed one. Harsh, but she’s not losing anything that was ever actually, already there.

          And Reset Eda, the one we meet after the initial reversal, she’d still exist, she’d still live on in our Eda… The only thing she’d have lost was the potential of that new life, but would she really give up her past one for that? Young Eda couldn’t bear being at the top of a system that hurt and oppressed others… And while she may be apprehensive about getting cursed, it’s not like she has to relive it, just bring back the effects, and restore her old self. Like I said, Young Eda already planned to be a wild witch; I think she’d be fine with a curse, if it meant saving her old life and self in the process, VS sacrificing it entirely just to have no curse…

           …But, this gets us onto Option B; The idea of Reset Eda retaining her memories, in which case… She’s literally just OUR Eda, just with a heavy dosage of Youth Elixir and no curse. In which case, I can definitely see her being a lot more open to the idea… Maybe a bit hesitant, because she doesn’t want to outlive her sister, Lilith- But Lilith would definitely reassure Eda that the two will catch up in the afterlife anyway, when Eda herself has to inevitably kick the bucket, curse or no curse. I could see Eda having concerns about the logistics of being much younger, but in the end… I can legitimately imagine Eda accepting this option alongside the others. It’d be weird having the body of a very young kid with the mind of a fully-grown adult, and no doubt very awkward… It’d definitely make most romantic relationships a very touchy subject that’s probably to be avoided; But in the end, I think Eda’s already content with the familial bonds she has with the others.

           Eda would hate to have her youth restored, and be cured of the curse while watching Lilith bear it on her own… But I could see Lilith reassuring her that she already lived plenty of years without the curse, anyway. And she still has a support network, her worst guilt and sins would be alleviated almost entirely… I think Lilith would be very much fine, because she’s going to grow old and die either way. This way, however, she has Eda the whole way through- Because if we’re being brutally honest, regular Eda is probably going to die of old age before Lilith. So to Lilith, having her little sister, happy and living a new and better life, while still retaining her old one… Having THAT Eda by her deathbed, that’s much better than being without Edalyn entirely.

           Plus, maybe a youth-restored Eda could just… Douse an aging potion to match her biological age with her chronological one, if she really had reservations- Doing so would still leave out the curse, depending on how this reset works. And, who’s to say Eda won’t try to apply this spell to Lilith as well? Have them BOTH have their bodies reset but their memories and life retained… Of course, this option sounds extremely ideal, so I can see it not happening for this exact reason; As well as any other variation of Option B, for that matter.

           Lilith, however… This is Lilith we’re talking about here. I’ve talked about how she may have already learned some lessons, and is likely bound to do so before this Reset option occurs. If it were Option B, it’d probably go on without too much of a hitch… But Option A? In a scenario where Reset Eda decides that she wants to go back to her old, cursed life? I can see Lilith not only disagreeing, but… Maybe becoming SO adamant, that she refuses to undo the reversal, at any cost! Because to her, Eda’s lost potential, the life she deserved but never got; It’s her worst sin by far. It’s her worst guilt that killed and ate her up from the inside for decades, and it’d be SO easy, so relieving to just let it go, to just undo it… While STILL making things right, right?

           The thing about Lilith is that she’s willing to go lengths for Eda- Even go as far as threatening Eda’s own kid, Luz, just to cure her curse. Sure, she’d have made some character development by then and already has… But on the chance of actually curing Eda’s curse, AND saving her from all of that trauma and pain, getting her that life she never got- Something not even Belos could provide? That’s going to really complicate things, and I can see Lilith conveniently ignoring the reality that this option would kill our Eda, because… She really doesn’t want to dwell on the ethical dilemma of it all, she just wants an easy out and it’s so easy to relapse into this mistake, especially since it’s a much more understandable scenario for her.

           But, again- Lilith has learned to respect Eda’s decisions, and if she really retains and applies her lessons, then she’ll do so, even in this case where it seems like she could have it all… Because she DOES love our Eda, the one who grew up cursed, she does do so unconditionally- So it WOULD hurt her to sacrifice that Eda for a new, reset one… And that’s something Lilith is going to have to acknowledge. That this isn’t just her own loss she has to factor in, it’s Luz and King’s and the others’… On top of Eda herself being deleted and not exactly wanting that. Could Lilith bear to kill her own sister? Obviously not… And it’d be a painful and begrudging realization, a frustrating one that Lilith would so badly want to ignore, to set aside…

           But, she can’t- She knows it deep down, in her heart, and once it’s there, it’s there to stay, just like the curse… Once again, Lilith is going to have to be mature, because the LAST time she did something harmful to Eda, believing it was for her own good- It didn’t pan out. And the last time she harmed Eda just for her own selfish desires –the curse- that REALLY didn’t play out well… Lilith is no doubt going to be grappling with misguidance, a genuine desire to help Eda, her own selfish desire to alleviate her guilt, etc. She’s going to confuse how much of herself is doing this for Eda, or just for her own conscience… But when it becomes clear that Reset Eda wants to go back, Lilith is going to have to admit that once again, she’s being selfish and making Eda’s decisions for her.

           Especially with Luz and King to serve as pretty harsh reminders of what Lilith did, and force her to reflect on what she’s done in the past, to always remember that. Lilith is going to hate it, she’s going to hate herself the entire process through, and maybe feel even worse for letting this opportunity slip through her fingers… Having hope built up, only to be brought crashing down, harder than ever- But I imagine that once Lilith reunites with HER Eda, the one who grew old and cursed… She’s going to realize how much she missed her, and be glad she got her sister back. She might mourn the potential of Reset Eda, but that life never existed and wasn’t going to- And again, like Eda, Lilith can invest her energy and efforts into making lives better for other people… And Eda REALLY wants Luz to have it good, so…!

           Still- Imagine Lilith being so desperate, so drawn to the idea of erasing and relieving her past mistakes, believing that she’s helping Eda that she… Legit has to fight Luz and Reset Eda over bringing back OUR Eda- And maybe during the fight, we get to see Reset Eda’s prowess as a child, leading to Lilith reminding her that doesn’t it feel good to have full, unrestricted access to magic? Isn’t Eda glad she has it now, surely doesn’t want to LOSE this, does she…? Kind of a callback to Agony of a Witch, how Lilith goads and taunts Eda about the curse, as if to smugly remind Eda why she should join the Emperor’s Coven to be cured.

          Surely Eda has to see her point by now, obviously Eda can’t be in so much denial when the proof is right there in her face, because this fight makes it so obvious. In Agony of a Witch, the duel made it clear how much magic Eda has lost and is losing and it’s why she needs a cure- And now this time, the duel makes it clear to Reset Eda how much she has to lose, and what’s at stake for her. Either way, attention is drawn to Eda’s magical ability in that fight and how it’s doing, what she WILL lose should she not listen to Lilith, and how it must be preserved…

          And that’ll make Reset Eda hesitate, because she knows that she’ll lose that magic if she goes down the cursed path… And that might cause the most reservations about her choice- Up until she sees Luz fighting alongside her, sees how proficient Luz is with Glyphs… And then Reset Eda realizes she still learned bile-magic as an adult, and got the chance to start with glyphs as well! She’s even got Owlbert, so Eda won’t be entirely bile-less… Reset Eda would realize she’d lose magic, but Luz would show her that she doesn’t have to completely give up magic, just one form of it. And, yeah- Ideally, Reset Eda could grow up with access to bile magic AND glyphs. But again, considering who’s at stake here… Reset Eda would see it as simply not worth it, especially when her own self seemed pretty pleased about the outcome- And our Eda is a lot older, wiser, and more experienced… Our Eda managed to live her own life, help people and inspire them in a lot of ways, and taught Luz!

          Our Eda made Owlbert, established the Owl House, became reputed as an unstoppable criminal and one of the hottest witches around… I think Reset Eda would consider our Eda as someone worth looking up to, and emulating. It’s kind of funny- The idea of her looking to herself, the best version of herself, as a role model… Which I guess just echoes what the Oracle Sphere told Gus- That he’s always the best version of himself. Sometimes who you are and are bound to become is great enough as-is, and I think that’s a realization that Eda figured without any divination artifact… If Eda really is so sure of herself, then she can trust the decisions she’s made in the future- Especially since Reset Eda is already leaning heavily towards those beliefs herself!

          And Lilith… if Lilith realized that she needed to listen to Eda and trust her, back when they were kids AND when they were older… Then she’s going to have to stop. Because Our Eda and Reset Eda are making it obvious what she’s choosing, and Lilith needs to recognize that while she shouldn’t avoid helping others- Disregarding what people choose for themselves because she thinks it’s best for them, is something that has only caused others and herself pain in the past… It’s something Lilith deliberately tried to avoid for years, even, when she insisted on protecting Eda from the Emperor’s Coven, until the allure of Belos’ cure and his threats got to her. Does Lilith want to erase her progress, her lessons? Obviously there were better ways to learn such wisdom than from cursing her own sister…

          But in the end, what’s done is done. If her lessons and development truly stick, then she’ll finally learn to let go when she has every reason and desire, both selfish and altruistic, in the world not to. Because when she realizes she’s fighting her own sister again- Lilith is going to remember how Eda lost her magic because of this. She’s going to remember how much it breaks her heart to be at odds, that Reset Eda WILL hold this against her… And Lilith can’t just be content with losing her sister’s love under the hopes that Eda herself will fare better without her. Just like that fateful ‘duel’ when they were kids, Lilith will realize that she’s really only doing this for herself- And she’ll stop what she’s doing in remorse, because she can’t let history repeat itself in her attempts to undo it.

          This would just leave an even stronger impact on Reset/Our Eda when it’s all over… And this kind of respect towards Eda’s autonomy, this final concession of her choices, will really show to Eda that Lilith now truly understands her after all this time, and I think Lilith will have a new future to look forward to with her sister because of this. Eda DOES want to be with her sister, just on her own proper terms… So maybe Lilith can properly provide this happiness for once, and continue to do so! Don’t take it away like last time… Because Eda also cares for Lilith as well and knows she’ll be happier this way, and THAT makes Eda happy in her own way! It’s not hopeless, either- Lilith is sharing the curse, and they’ll do it together as always… Lilith may have hurt Eda in her attempts to be together, but that doesn’t mean separating the two will make them any better or happier- Not when years of loneliness has indicated otherwise.

           And I can just imagine Lilith and Luz having a heartfelt, teary goodbye to Reset Eda… Before she casually explains that she’ll still be around when she goes back to normal, she’s just giving up a life that never came back to be, to return to the one she always had! And as I said before… Reset Eda returns to normal, she opens her eyes, and proves that she remembered everything that happened then; And she appreciates how she can affirm her decisions in life, because when given the choice to undo them… Eda decided to keep going through with it, even knowing exactly what laid ahead of her- Maybe even precisely because of this, because look around her! That’s what she’s getting… Eda knows for sure that she wouldn’t change a thing, and it’ll just make her so much more proud and confident of who she is and what she does because of this!

[qiu-yan]

👀👀👀👀👀👀 this is super interesting

[spoilers for golden kamuy below]

you are super right about their backgrounds being similar: as you said, both characters are the lowborn bastards of a high-status man and a low-status entertainer, both characters feel some sort of way about their moms, and both characters commit fratricide. and both characters enact some incredible violence upon their fathers due to said fathers' wrongdoings against their mothers. despite also having read both works, i did not make that connection myself, so i'm very 👀 to see your analysis.

i think you bring up two especially interesting points: [resentment of the "morally pure" socially-sanctioned brother-figure], and [guilt]. i'd like to discuss these in more detail.

long ass reply below.

resentment

i really like your point about the "moral purity" of the brother figures that both jin guangyao and ogata kill, how that "moral purity" is in some aspect only possible because the brother figure holds a level of class privilege that jin guangyao and ogata themselves do not have access to, and how the kills can be said to be driven in part by resentment of said "moral purity."

the last point is more obvious with ogata, who (if i'm recalling correctly) directly complains about yuusaku's "moral purity" in his internal monologue multiple times - and also tries to get asirpa to kill him, just so that she will have violated her no-killing vow, simply because she reminds him of yuusaku. it seems that, whenever ogata encounters someone he sees as "morally pure" in the way yuusaku was, he hates it: he first tries to get the person in question to violate their "moral purity;" then, if he fails to do so, he kills them. this seems to be the result of ogata trying desperately to prove (to who? the world? himself?) that his self-perceived lack of moral purity is in fact normal; that everyone in the world is actually like him.

i'm not as sure about this, but i think you can also say that jin guangyao's murder of nie mingjue was also drive, in some part, by resentment of nie mingjue's socially-sanctioned "moral purity." i think that, to jin guangyao, nie mingjue represented "heroism" - more specifically, both something genuinely virtuous that jin guangyao legitimately admired, and the socially-sanctioned, socially-constructed concept of a "hero" itself. meng yao genuinely wants to be a heroic person - however, for the majority of his life, he's only ever been spat upon by the rest of society as the son of a whore.

but nie mingjue was different. nie mingjue, a respected general and the highborn sect leader of a legitimate great sect, recognized meng yao's abilities. to put it more cheesily, he believed in meng yao when no one else did. that someone both as morally upright and as socially recognized as so would then in turn recognize meng yao must have meant the world to him. it must have felt like nie mingjue was telling him: "you, too, can be a hero."

but then meng yao's circumstances change. he becomes jin guangyao. in the process of becoming so, he commits all sorts of moral violations; due to these moral violations, he loses the faith of nie mingjue. but here's the thing: jin guangyao could not have survived and accomplished what he did without committing those moral violations. nie mingjue can go around following his own moral compass because he's physically powerful and the highborn leader of a still-powerful great sect, but jin guangyao, the bastard son of a whore, cannot do that.

jin guangyao tries to explain this to nie mingjue. he tries again and again to get nie mingjue to see that he's in an impossible position. but nie mingjue refuses to accept his reasoning. jin guangyao says: "if i do what you are asking me to do, i will die." in return, nie mingjue says: "then die."

nie mingjue was the first person to say that meng yao was more than just the son of a whore. yet now, through his repudiation of jin guangyao's reasoning and excuses for his actions, through his refusal to accept that jin guangyao "had no choice," nie mingjue says (in jiggy's view):

"i take back the dignity i gave you before. you in fact cannot be a hero."

"the fact that you are unable to resolve this situation without causing some moral violation is proof that this path was never open for you. such is intrinsic to your nature. such cannot be separated from your very existence. from the very beginning, there was never any place for you here."

this is not what nie mingjue said, but i think it’s what jin guangyao heard.

there are of course a wide number of other reasons as to why jin guangyao ended up killing nie mingjue - nie mingjue tried to kill him on three separate occasions already, nie mingjue put him in an impossible situation, his dad wanted him to kill nie mingjue, nie mingjue insulted his mom, and so on - but i think this resentment played a part, too. and it explains why jin guangyao kept nie mingjue's severed head in his private storage long afterwards.

guilt

or, the feeling some kind of way part. i like the way you contrast them here, in that ogata - despite his best efforts to pretend otherwise - is in fact haunted by guilt, while jin guangyao....is not.

ogata is an interesting character because he seems to be trying to prove two opposite and contradictory points via his actions simultaneously. on one hand, he wants to show that what he believes about himself - that he doesn't feel guilty about killing people, that he doesn't feel it is wrong to kill people - is in fact true for everybody. everyone actually thinks this way. no one feels guilty when they kill someone. that "killing is bad and makes you feel bad" is simply a polite fiction everyone in society has agreed upon. ogata is a normal person - the fact that his parents did not love each other did not affect him at all.

peak ogata moment.

on the other hand, though - what he believes in himself is also a self-fiction he convinces himself is true. it isn't that ogata actually doesn't feel guilty - rather, it's that he's convinced himself that he doesn't feel guilty. "no one would feel guilty about killing their brother" is the claim he aims to prove in order to justify the preceding statement "i don't feel guilty about killing yuusaku" - except this preceding statement, "i don't feel guilty about killing yuusaku," is also a claim he needs to prove.

i think that's why ogata seems to go out of his way to be such an asshole throughout the story. chronic backstabbing disorder, constantly switching sides and thus alienating everyone, and a consistent refusal to bond with any of the other characters unparalleled by anyone else in the story: it's as if he's going out of his way to prove (to the world? to himself?) that he is an aberration. that he is cursed. that gleeful violence is simply his nature, in a way that cannot be changed.

why?

i think it comes down to the idea that [a child of two parents who don't love each other is cursed]. on one hand, all of ogata's actions are directly stated to be for the sake of disproving this idea: he insists that everyone is just as morally corrupt and empty inside as them, he hates genuinely "morally pure" people and goes out of his way to destroy them (as described above), his actual goal is to become commander of the 7th, just to prove to his shitty dead dad that the bastard son can achieve what the dad achieved.

on the other hand, though, i think deep down ogata has actually accepted this idea as truth. deep down, he's convinced himself that since he is a child of two parents who don't love each other, he's fundamentally cursed. the violence in his life, the suffering in his life, the fact that he killed his mom, the fact that his dad refused to acknowledge him even as he slowly killed said dad, the fact that he killed his brother - was all inevitable, due simply to the circumstances of his birth. this way, none of it was avoidable. this way, all of it was fated. this way, he doesn't feel bad about any of it - because he's a cursed child who doesn't feel guilt. so he doesn't feel guilty. so he doesn't feel guilty. so he doesn't feel guilty.

but this is a fallacy. in other words, it's a Cope. because, deep down, ogata does in fact feel guilty about killing yuusaku. ogata is in fact a human being. he wanted his mom to love him, he wanted his dad to love him, he wanted paternal affection from lieutenant tsurumi, he knows he was in part manipulated by tsurumi into killing yuusaku. all of the above bullshit about proving various statements to the world only exists because ogata does in fact feel guilty.

now, as for jin guangyao...i think it's entirely reasonable to argue that he legitimately does not feel guilty. i think it's also entirely reasonable to argue that, while he does feel guilty, his approach to guilt is such that [a jin guangyao who feels guilty] is indistinguishable from [a jin guangyao who does not feel guilty].

in the latter case, jin guangyao approaches feelings of guilt in a manner vastly different from ogata. ogata says: "yes, the thing i did was wrong and unnecessary, but i literally don't even feel bad about it at all. i am someone who doesn't care." jin guangyao instead says: "yes, the thing i did was questionable, and yes, i do feel guilty about it. but it was also necessary; i had no other choice." ogata's reaction to guilt as a result of evildoing is to lean into the evil and deny the guilt; jin guangyao's reaction to guilt as a result of evildoing is to accept the guilt and deny the evildoing.

everything jin guangyao gets criticized for by other characters, he justifies with one word: necessary. i think this is probably how he justifies things to himself as well, as he carries on calmly every day with his feelings of guilt: yes, it was terrible, but he had no other choice. if he did in fact kill jin rusong, that's what he tells himself. and if he did not in fact kill jin rusong (because sect leader yao is not a reliable source), that's probably still what he tells himself in order to cope: jin rusong had to die, every additional day jin rusong lived was an increase in the chances of the incest marriage being discovered. therefore, his death makes things easier. therefore, he was going to have to die anyways. therefore, there is no need to be sad.

so long as the harm caused was necessary, jin guangyao can live with guilt. so long as the harm caused was necessary, jin guangyao has no need for guilt.

but in order for this Cope to work, jin guangyao needs two other things to be true. first, jin guangyao's actions have to be normal. everyone who was put in jin guangyao's position has to behave the same way he does, make the same choices he did. everyone who is forced to choose between their ethics and their life must choose their life. after all, jin guangyao is a normal person: every decision he made was a decision any rational person in his position would have made. all human beings are actually just like jin guangyao. the only reason why their hands are cleaner than his is because they got lucky. that people pretend otherwise, that society pretends that ideals like "i will die for justice" exist, is a polite fiction - one that is only able to maintained because the people who believe in it have never been put in jin guangyao's position.

that someone would choose their abstract moral values over their life, that someone would choose to die for what they believe to be justice - it is not merely unthinkable. it is not permitted.

second, jin guangyao has to be uniquely cursed, such that all of his choices were inevitable. all of his justifications are based on the unique horribleness of his circumstances - he's the bastard son of a whore, his status and life depend wholly on his father's goodwill, his cultivation is weak, he was forced into a secretly incestuous marriage with his own half-sister - the fundamental axiom of all his self-justifications is that, due to these horrible conditions, jin guangyao is always at risk of death. the mere existence of these conditions means that anything jin guangyao does that alienates enough of the gentry puts him at risk of death.

therefore, the idea that [jin guangyao could have been saved had he only made different choices] is not permitted. it is not merely untrue that he might have dodged the incest marriage had he honestly asked his sworn brothers for help, the possibility is not permitted. it is not merely untrue that he might have chosen to kill jin guangshan instead of nie mingjue, after nie mingjue demanded xue yang's execution - the possibility of this is not permitted. nor is it merely untrue that jin guangyao, upon being blackmailed, could have chosen a less drastic option than immediately trying to wipe out the entire jianghu - no, jin guangyao must be trapped, he must have no other choice, so this very thought is not permitted.

thus, perhaps what ogata and jin guangyao have in common regarding their approaches to guilt are the two statements: [i am normal, everyone is in fact like me], and [i am uniquely cursed, so all of my choices were inevitable]. it's just that, for jin guangyao, these two statements are consistent with each other (as the first describes his internal psychology and the second describes his external social position); while for ogata, these statements instead contradict each other (as they both describe his internal psychology).

if they met

i think ogata would hate the public-facing lianfang-zun. this fellow bastard son of a whore, who instead of becoming cursed like ogata, was beloved by the people; who instead of becoming cursed like ogata, went on to become "morally good." and it'd only be when all of jin guangyao's secret murders were exposed that ogata would relax, because then both of ogata's self-beliefs would be proven. he is normal, because even the kindest politician in this world was secretly an unrepentant killer. and he is cursed due to his birth, because this fellow bastard son of a whore is clearly cursed as well - there was no other path available for either of them.

meanwhile, if jin guangyao realized exactly why ogata called him "cursed" - that it wasn't because of jin guangyao's external social position, that it wasn't because of society; rather, ogata simply believes that children of parents who don't love each other are intrinsically broken in some way - it would drive him insane. jin guangyao already has to deal with an entire society of people who think he's inherently unclean due to the circumstances of his birth - and now he has to deal with this edgelord's bullshit too?

thus, jin guangyao would respond with: no, i am not the same as you.

but you did just as much fucked up shit as i did, ogata would reply, so how are you any different from me?

i had no other choice. i wish there had been a different way.

you're lying.

and now both of their coping mechanisms are at risk, so they start biting each other.

meanwhile, if they met while both elbow-deep in corpses or whatever, i think they might instead get caught in a loop of "wow i'm so normal :) and you're so normal too :) :) everyone is like us." and so long as no one asks any clarifying questions then it's all good.

bonus: the moms

i think both of them are using their moms as an excuse to hide the fact that they wanted their dads to love them. at least a bit.

it's a good thing jiang cheng doesn't exist in the golden kamuy universe, because if he ever met first lieutenant tsurumi it would be so joever for him

[geekinator]

I did this as a three part series, because I just can’t get enough Beifong in my life and thinking about them brings me immense joy.

Here’s the first two:

And last but not least:

The Beifong family is the best thing that ever happened to Avatar and quite possibly my life. The thing I love most about them, though, is how human they are. They are the epitome of what happens when life is messy and emotions are raw and people do stupid things and life doesn’t go as expected. Each and every one of them is batshit crazy, and I love them for it. Here’s my take on the illustrious Beifongs. Last is Su.

Suyin: An Analysis

Oh, Su. What can I say? Su is just as complicated as the rest of the Beifongs. Su is no saint but neither is she a devil. Su is human, and that’s about all there is to it.

Su obviously took her mother’s absence in a very different direction. I would imagine that both Toph and Lin were very excited to welcome Su. However, very shortly Lin is old enough and probably mature enough to watch her, which leaves Toph free to be Chief, which means Su is shortchanged in her time with her mom. I don’t think Toph sat them down one day and was like ok girls I’m going to be spending more time at work so Lin you’re in charge. I think she just slowly wasn’t really needed at home (at least not in a way that computed in her mind) and she just kind of drifted away.

Well if I’m Su and my big sister starts bossing me around I’m like ok no that’s not happening, and she obviously started to resist it. However, saying “I was more of a rebel” is like saying “that ghost pepper is a little spicy”. Like Su, honey, there’s a rebel and there’s criminal enterprise. It’s not the same thing, and even later in life she obviously hasn’t made that connection.

Whether because of her absence, or because she perhaps saw herself in Su, Toph turned a blind eye (pardon the pun). It’s also obvious that Toph isn’t even aware of half the stuff that goes on. And because she’s clueless, Toph probably doesn’t believe Lin when she tells her. Whatever the case, Su is that kid who could do anything or say anything and get away with it, while Big Sister probably sneezes wrong and everyone glares at them, because they’re older and supposed to be more mature. Lin at this point is beyond frustrated with Su.

So here we go, Su steps out of the car and I’m sure Lin is feeling a lot of things. Probably like she failed her little sister, angry because WTF Su, and maybe even a little vindicated. Now Toph will HAVE to pay attention. Su is the dumbest bitch this side of Whale Tail Island, however, and actually thinks that Lin is going to let her walk away. Well of course she’s not, duh. But Su is so full of anger and frustration, that she lashes out.

When I say Su is full of anger and frustration, I mean that as much as Lin kept a lid on it, Su did, too. Su had less time with Toph at home than Lin did, which wasn’t fair. Su had to put up with Lin mothering her, when she wasn’t actually her mother and only a few years older than her. Su had very little direction in her life, from anyone. Su was obviously very impressionable. Those two idiots she was with probably could have convinced her to commit Grand Theft Auto, and it wouldn’t have taken much. If things hadn’t gone down the way they did, Su probably would have ended up dead or as a true villain.

Hm, excuse me while I jot down a story idea.

Anyways, my point is, Su had just as many feelings as Lin, her bottle just looked very different. So in a moment of pure anger she lashes out when Lin tries to arrest her. I believe she regretted it, and here’s why: she’s in Toph’s office with Lin. Had Su been completely devoid of any feeling, she would have run away and never looked back, or at least tried to rationalize it. Toph is obviously fully aware of what went down; she asks both of them what they were thinking, so even though Su’s not saying sorry she’s not sitting there trying to deny it. She knows she got caught. She may not be sorry, but she’s still sitting there in the office. Frankly I give her points for that. Not many, but a few.

If I’m Su, I know I did wrong but I don’t care. So I love to hear Toph ask Lin what she was thinking, too. I’m like ha! Yeah, you tear up that report, Mom! But wait, I have to leave the city? Holy shit, did not see that coming! So now the mom who I didn’t have much time with in the first place and has been largely absent is sending me away to my grandparents (and who knows how well she knew them) where only the Spirits know what’s going to happen then. Well this sucks. Not an excuse for her shitty behavior but it still sucked for her.

So then she goes traipsing around the world to prove to herself she is outside the realm of rules. She finally settles down with Bataar Sr and builds Zaofu. Her ideals still seem to be based on the idea of life without limits, which fits her history. She seems more like someone who creates opportunities than someone who makes a lot of rules. Aiwei calls her the matriarch so she’s not exactly in a position of true political power, at least not in name.

I truly believe Bataar loves Su and that he is a good husband and father. I also believe that for the most part, Su is a good mom. Here’s why: her kids are quite well-adjusted. Except for Bataar Jr who seems to have inherited her impressionable nature. But Wing and Wei are cool and obviously very accomplished, Opal is rather prissy but she does have some good qualities, and Huan is very passionate about his banana art. They’re kind of a fun family. Su tells Korra that she always wished Lin were a part of her life, and I believe her. I really think Su misses her big sister. She and Lin are alike in that what they want most is their family to be intact.

After the fall of the Earth Queen, Su says she doesn’t want to impose her ideals on the nation. Again, she doesn’t like rules, so she's not going to go around telling everyone else what to do. I don’t agree with that decision but it is consistent with her character. Her decision to try and assassinate Kuvira I believe comes from a desire to protect those around her, anger at Kuvira for betraying her and taking her son away from her, and guilt because it was her inaction that precipitated the whole thing in the first place. It’s a stupid ass decision, and is an emotional one. Su seems to be ruled by her emotions, from the first time we see her until the end of the series, which is interesting because she does keep her cool most of the time. Emotional people are like that, though. I’m ok until you make me mad or feel something and now I have to do something about it. Oftentimes they resent the person who made them feel it, and blame them. Su definitely falls into that category. Because she is so governed by her emotions, she tends to rush headlong into things without seeing the long game, or the risks. When she gets caught, she knows she messed up. But now Korra has to come and save her, Su knowing full well she’s not ready. But Korra tries anyways because even though Su is incredibly stupid and selfish, she is a friend and they still care about her. Anyone who watches Dragons Race to the Edge, it reminds me of Snotlout, when Astrid says he’s a muttonhead, but he’s their muttonhead. For better or worse, Su has become one of them.

Quite frankly, I like Su. I think her biggest faults are that she tends to follow her emotions which gets her into trouble and she doesn’t really like to acknowledge when she’s wrong, even though she definitely knows she is. Neither of those things are traits that I would consider unforgivable. I don’t think she and I would be bosom buddies but she is an interesting person. I would be endlessly frustrated with her and probably tell her I told you so a lot. But Su is there when it counts. She defeats P’li and helps defeat Kuvira. She helps save Korra and teaches her metal bending, and she is quite cheerful. As far as Lin forgiving her I feel like that was more for Lin than Su, just like forgiveness is for everyone. For anyone who says Lin deserves better, keep in mind this is her little sister who she loves very much. There’s history there and families are messy and complicated and I for one trust Lin. Lin also doesn’t just jump in, she tells Su she just won’t show up and attack her. They only become more involved because that’s how things played out. Lin is very sincere when she tells Su that she loves her, and it almost seems like the first time Lin has said those words out loud, based on Su’s expression.

Su may not have known or believed it before that. Right or wrong, good or bad, Su is family, and families are stupid and crazy. Like I said before, Su is no saint, but she’s no devil either. She makes shitty decisions and yes people have to keep coming to her rescue, but I think her heart is in the right place. I really do.

[tiramisiyu]

【未定事件簿】 Tears of Themis: Main Story 4-1 Translation

Translation Masterlist | Video

Chapter 4 – Heart’s Fire: 4-1 / 4-3 / 4-5 / 4-6 / 4-8 / 4-9 / 4-11 / 4-12 / 4-13 / 4-15 / 4-17 / 4-18

I originally did not translate this part when translating Chapter 4, but for the sake of completion, I’m putting this here now! I am also planning to go through the rest of the Ch.4 translation to revise and check it again, in coming days.

--

Café

While I was sorting out Gong Cheng’s experiment notes with Zuo Ran, I suddenly received a call from Lu Jinghe.

--

[Flashback]

Lu Jinghe: Hey, you busy right now? Could you come out for a bit? I’m right at the café downstairs from your law firm.

MC: What is it that’s this urgent?

Lu Jinghe: I’d like to entrust you with a case, and I can’t talk about it clearly over phone. Otherwise, I wouldn’t specially come over.

Lu Jinghe: Have I impeded your work? My apologies, if it really isn’t convenient, could I meet up with you after work tonight?

Lu Jinghe: Taking up your rest time doesn’t seem to be that good either, but I…

What would trouble Lu Jinghe to this extent? My curious heart was hooked on by him.

MC: I’ve got time right now. Wait for me for a bit – I’ll go let Lawyer Zuo know.

Hearing that Lu Jinghe was looking for me, Zuo Ran furrowed his eyebrows, but he didn’t hold me back.

I hurriedly cleaned up and rushed straight to the café downstairs.

As soon as I came in, I heard the sound of Lu Jinghe’s fingers snapping. He was sitting at a booth by the window, waving at me.

MC: Since this thing has made you so anxious, could it be that you’ve noticed a clue about that fake Artist Z?

After the case where Lu Jinghe was framed for murder, he and I went to see an art exhibition again, yet we unexpectedly encountered an Artist Z counterfeit case.

To artist Lu Jinghe, the nature of this case was extremely vile. We recently have been looking for related clues nonstop, but there were no developments for now.

Lu Jinghe: It’s not related to Artist Z. What’s up, have you been concerned about that case the whole time?

Lu Jinghe: Thank you, I hope it didn’t add extra burdens onto you.

Without silver-tongued smooth talking or playful teasing, Lu Jinghe actually thanked me in complete earnestness?!

MC: You’re a bit different from usual today – exactly what issue did you run into?

Lu Jinghe: Have you heard of the person named Huang Haochu?

MC: Is it that famous appraiser and Leinster Auction House’s partner, Huang Haochu?

Lu Jinghe: Right, that’s him. He counts as the one who enlightened me on the path of art, and I’ve always respected him deeply.

MC: But I remember that last year, Huang Haochu… was murdered?

Lu Jinghe: Yes, Teacher Huang is no longer here.

Lu Jinghe: Last year, a scandal on Leinster counterfeited auction goods was exposed, and public opinion pointed towards Teacher Huang as the one behind it.

Lu Jinghe: The media claimed that Cui Yuan, Leinster’s boss, got into conflict with Teacher Huang due to accountability questions about the counterfeit case.

Lu Jinghe: In their fight, Cui Yuan used his own tie to suffocate Teacher Huang to death.

The alleged counterfeit goods scandal stated that, after a deal was reached on Leinster’s auctions, they would use fakes to replace the authentic goods, handing them to the purchasers.

The replaced authentic goods appeared on the artwork black market. Leinster sold them twice, exploiting this for large profit.

After this matter occurred, Leinster Auctions’ reputation took a nosedive, verging on bankruptcy.

Boss Cui Yuan found appraiser and partner Huang Haochu, requesting that he come forward and bear the responsibility, and to cut ties with the company, but he was rejected by Huang Haochu.

Due to this, the two fought, which led up to a murder.

MC: I saw a related report online, but my impression was… there still hasn’t been a judgement on this murder case?

Lu Jinghe: There is indeed no judgement. Plus, the true circumstances of the case is as different as can be from what the media reported.

Lu Jinghe: In their investigation, the police noticed that the police did not murder Huang Haochu maliciously. Instead, he assisted Teacher Huang, who had depression, commit suicide.

MC: Assisted suicide?! Does Cui Yuan not know that this is illegal?

Lu Jinghe: The police speculated that Teacher Huang had started considering death due to depression, to begin with.

Lu Jinghe: With Cui Yuan assisting his suicide, it would be perfect timing to use this tragedy to counter the unfavourable public opinions brought by the counterfeit auction goods, thus saving Leinster.

MC: These methods sound…

Lu Jinghe: Hah, I also don’t agree with the police’s conclusion. Plus, Cui Yuan himself has remained firm in not pleading guilty.

Lu Jinghe: After Cui Yuan was arrested, he said the whole time that he had nothing to do with Teacher Huang’s murder, and he knew nothing of the murder.

Lu Jinghe: He wants to plead innocence for himself, and has gone through several lawyers due to this, resulting in the repeated postponement of trial time.

Lu Jinghe: The day before yesterday, the court decided that a trial would be held for this case next Thursday, and they would not extend the time period again.

MC: It was probably the Public Prosecution that raised a lawsuit for this case. It couldn’t be that you’re looking for me to defend Cui Yuan?

Lu Jinghe: In name, you would be defending Cui Yuan, but in reality, I want to request you to help me find out Teacher Huang’s real murderer.

MC: Huh? You believe that Cui Yuan was not the murderer?

Lu Jinghe: No. To me, he is still one of this case’s suspects.

Lu Jinghe: It’s just that the emotional pain and guilt he’s displayed towards Teacher Huang doesn’t look at all like he’s putting on an act to be exonerated.

Lu Jinghe: I suspect that this case truly does have another, hidden story, and I can’t just sit and watch without doing anything.

MC: It’s already been nearly a year since this case, and few clues are left. Hopes of this case being reversed are very weak.

MC: Plus, it’s already Friday today, and there’s only five whole days of time. I’m afraid that there’s not enough time…

Lu Jinghe: I apologize, I know I’m troubling you…

Lu Jinghe: I also just found out about this inside info on the case. Otherwise, I wouldn’t think about investigating so long after the case happened.

Lu Jinghe: If the Lu family’s lawyers appear in this case, it would only hype up and feed into the media, and it would be incredibly unfavourable to the investigation. So…

MC: You’ve misunderstood, I’m not finding excuses to evade this. I just didn’t want to let you down. Plus, there are some things I must say upfront.

MC: If it’s just investigating the truth, of course there’s no problem. But I cannot lightly agree to being the defense lawyer, with regards to the suspect’s vital interests.

MC: I require that I meet with Cui Yuan first. Only after getting an understanding of the details of the case can I decide whether to defend him.

Lu Jinghe: We’ll do as you say. I’m already very grateful that you’re willing to try, and I naturally won’t make you accomplish anything.

MC: In a moment, I’ll go look up the files on this case to understand the details of the police’s investigation.

Lu Jinghe: Thank you for your hard work. I still ended up bringing trouble to you.

Lu Jinghe lowered his head and lifted the coffee cup, revealing a sliver of sadness as he spoke.

Lu Jinghe: People on the outside often think that the Pax Group is enormously powerful, and there is nothing that the heir to Pax can’t do.

Lu Jinghe: But it’s actually the exact opposite. I have a lot more instances of “no other alternatives” and “no way out” compared to typical people, due to my identity.

Lu Jinghe: Around me, the friends that I can speak truthfully with are very few.

Seeming like his own words induced some state of mind on him, he sank into silence, turning to look out the window.

The sun shone on his slim ears, and the gemstone studs reflected a dazzling light, but there was no way to disperse of the desolation in his appearance.

MC: Don’t you still have me? I’m your friend.

Lu Jinghe: Yes, I still have you. Good thing I have you.

[archivingspn]

Season 8 DVD Extra: “Angel Warrior: The Story of Castiel”

[Dean: Cas we’re getting out of here. We’re going home. Castiel: I can’t] [Dean, Cas and Benney standing beside the river in Purgatory] Singer: An angel who feels guilt, who says, “I’m in the right place in Purgatory cause this is where I- this- this should be my punishment.” There’s a lot you can do with that character.

[Castiel: Dean!] Carver: You know, it’s just one piece of the proof that this character that started out as pretty much a warrior angel who rescues Dean from Hell had a certain richness. 

[Samandriel: Despite his mistakes, Castiel’s heart was always in the right place.] Singer: He’s got this power, he’s got this connection to heaven, but he’s- he- he’s behaving, you know, he has the emotions of a mortal, and those things always conflict within him. Glass: It allows us to learn more about our own humanity. When you have a character that’s a blank slate, it allows you to explore so many things about humanity, the good and the bad. And I think Castiel is the perfect example of that. [Dean: Hold on! Castiel: Dean! Dean--]

[Title Screen: ANGEL WARRIOR: The Story of Castiel] [Dean: (in Hell) Somebody help me! (pants in pain) Sam!] Edlund: Well, I think one of the- one of the first very important jobs that- that, uh, had to get done was, Dean had to get out of Hell, which is a big problem. We toyed with the idea of there being a kind of a quest or a large s-sort of series of events that took place, uh, for- for Dean to get out of Hell. And, um, it really came down to, we knew it was going to happen, so why not have it just happen?

[Dean examines the red handprint on his shoulder in the mirror] Carver: We start in the writers room talking about what types of things could actually pull Dean from Hell, and knowing that we wanted to start getting into these ideas of, um, uh, angels and heaven and everything. At its root, it was just very smart that this divine thing pulled him out.

[Dean dodges breaking glass in the gas station] Edlund: And, then he’s sort of pursued by this sort of, uh, what seems like a sinister unseen force. That was the entity, Castiel, without a vessel, trying to make contact with Dean.

[Castiel reveals his black wings in the barn to a disbelieving Dean] Glass: Yeah, our show is definitely not the Touch by an Angel's kind of angels. (laughs) Our angels, uh, have an agenda. Singer: These are n-, y’know, not little cherubs sitting on your shoulder and they weren’t Clarence in- from, y’know, It’s a Wonder Life. Dabb: These are people who are warriors. They’re there to enf- at least, at the very beginning, they’re there to enforce what they believe is the will of God.

[Dean: I thought angels were supposed to be guardians - fluffy wings, halos - not dicks.] Edlund: Supernatural branching into the world of angels? Uh, that’s a pretty big deal. It was, mythologically speaking, a big branch. Jared: And Jensen and I both were like, well, you know we didn’t sign up to make, like, a show about religion, like, that’s not what we’re trying to do as actors. And, when we signed up for Supernatural we thought we were making, like urban legends, myths, blah-blah-blah. Jensen: You know, I wasn’t quite sure where they were taking it. I mean, now all of a sudden we were dealing with angels and demons, whereas before we were dealing with, y’know, ghosts and- and goblins.

[(FM) Misha: You guys want to run lines, or…? Dean: His name’s Misha. (looks skeptical) Misha?] Misha: When they sent out the sides for this audition, for the role of Castiel, the sides said it was a demon, because Eric didn’t want to reveal that they were adding an angel to the show. Edlund: The first episode of the fourth season was built to really be this slow build, with a big kind of introduction at the end of it, so keeping it quiet was pretty important.

Misha: I did one- one take of the scene and Eric said, “Okay, good, good, but actually, y-you’re n- cat’s out of the bag, you’re an angel, not a demon, now do it again.” And I did, and apparently he liked what I did, cause, um, I got the part.

[Castiel walks into a barn lit by sparking lights] Misha: The season premiere of Season 4, which was the episode that I a- first appeared in, at McGee’s offices, sort of at the screening party, and Sera Gamble, um, the writer and producer, was standing next to me. And right when I came on screen, she leaned over and whispered to me, “Your life is about to change.” And then, lo and behold, it really has changed remarkably, and it’s, um, it’s been quite exciting.

[Castiel: I’m an angel of the Lord.] Sgriccia: When we bring in Castiel, he’s -he’s in a human form. If you were to look at an angel, you’d be blinded and you’d be deaf from the sound of it. Edlund: There’s a lot that we owe to the badass presentation of angels. Like, there’s Constantine, there’s, um, Prophecy with, uh, Christopher Walken. One of the things that became a powerful icon for that character was just the trench coat. It became quite powerful. Singer: It was really a stunning shot where you saw the- the shadow of these enormous wings. And it was not, uh, (in a hippie voice) “Oh, wow that’s an angel.” It was, (sounds nervous) “Oh, like, geez, that’s an angel,” y��know.

Edlund: We didn’t swing for the, uh, animatronic wings that are constantly fluttering and re-fluttering behind him. There’s a desire to step away from that sort of thing and be a little bit more low to the ground, which is Supernatural’s general aesthetic thrust.

[Dean: Who are you? Castiel: I’m the one who gripped you tight and raised you from Perdition. Dean: Yeah?] Edlund: When Misha created the persona for this character, I forget if he had a cold or not, or if he just decided to do it, but he, uh, pitched his voice down a little bit, to give himself gravitas. Misha: Oh, I thought, oh, I sh- I should give him, like, a really commanding, powerful voice.

[Castiel: You have no faith.] Misha: Something that I now regret, because I’ve been doing it for six years, and there are definitely times when I have to go home and like, drink hot lemon water and- (laughs) and have a sore throat. Jensen: He came in with a, y’know, he- he committed. And, y’know, sometimes you- you win some and sometimes you don’t, but it’s nice to- to have somebody with that kind of a conviction. Carver: Y’know, there was a vein that was struck there with this character. I’m probably not the one to say why it worked. I can only tell you... it d-did, and- and it has worked, and the proof is in the pudding. 

Jensen: The fact that you know, we have essentially an angel who can pop in and pop out wherever we are- 

[Castiel: Hello Dean] Jensen: -I thought was a really good recipe for somebody to stick around, and- and be a- a- a greater part of this storyline.

[Castiel: Thank you. For everything. Dean: Save the Hallmark, okay? It’s gonna work. Nobody gets left behind.] Carver: I don’t see – and- and I’m not saying he’s not, but – I don’t look at Castiel as a mentor and a protector at all. I look at him as yet another person that was sucked into the Winchester brothers’ orbit. Edlund: He was on the heavenly payroll, and every time he showed up it was to accomplish some specific goal and he was not stretching too far out of that range to aid the boys. And sometimes he was a problem for the boys. Glass: He sometimes gets lost along the way in what he thinks is right and protecting the boys, and does things that, at the end of the day, um, end up not helping.

Edlund: As an angel, his- his understanding of human emotions was something that was, like, naive, even though he had watched humans for so long. Singer: His motives generally are right but, y’know, he- he makes mistakes because he doesn’t quite understand everything.

[Dean: What the Hell’s wrong with you? Castiel: I am an angel in a land of abominations. There have been things hunting me since the moment we arrived. Dean: (yelling) Join the club. Castiel: These are not just monsters, Dean. They’re Leviathan. I have a price on my head, and I have been trying to stay one step ahead of them to- to keep them away from you.]

Misha: He sees himself as Dean’s protector, and at the same time sees Dean as something of a mentor, because there’s a lot about the world he doesn’t understand and that he can glean from Dean. Singer: He saw in the boys, really, the worth in humanity, and he became sort of enamored of humanity as, y’know, channeled through Sam and Dean. So, on the one hand, he thinks, “I owe this allegiance to God, I owe this allegiance to the angels, but I think this freewill thing is right, and I think that’s probably what God wanted.” So, that was his sort of line of demarcation with the angels. Jensen: This relationship that he has developed with these humans, uh, has- has truly shaped the story that he is- is now kind of creating for himself. It’s- it’s much more freewill than it is about, y’know, the- the- the duty of an angel. Dabb: Castiel is the boys’ best ally. He’s kind of the one friend that isn’t each other that they’ve been able to rely on for years. That doesn’t mean he’s perfect, because he definitely is not that, and they go- that goes the other way, too. But he’s always been there for them, and I think that’s been very important, because the only brother (sic) people in their lives who- who fill that role are them- are, y’know, basically each other. Carver: I don’t know if the relationship would have worked as well, if he was just a mentor as opposed to a- a friend.

[Dean: (startles awake, spilling his beer) Ugh. Dammit, Cas. How many times I gotta tell you? It’s just creepy.] Carver: Just to speak of the Dean-Cas of it, I think you’ve got two incredibly dynamic, uh, y’know, characters slash actors in their own right who are so good at being exactly what they’re supposed to be, and what they are, essentially, is an odd couple.

[Dean: In the police report, it said that the, uh, the bush- it talked to you. Yeah? Victim: It sounded like Klingon to me. Dean: I’m gonna need exact words. Victim: You’re serious? Castiel: That’s his serious face, yes.] Edlund: Castiel the entity. This celestial being, as the fish-out-of-water- um, h-he’s an alien. He’s an alien to human experience.

[Castiel: What’s so funny?] Jared: Misha’s brought so much. I mean, Misha, he’s a very intelligent person and he’s brought a soul and understanding and some awesome humor and, um... so many other things.  I mean, Cas, it feels like he lives and breathes on-screen.

[Dean: It’s wabbit season. (Sam smiles.) Castiel: I don’t think you pronounced that correctly.] Sgriccia: Misha plays it so straight. He’s like Starman. He’s just this guy that you think- he looks human, but his cadence, his rhythm, his timing on things is off. There’s huge funny pieces that happen with him and the guys. 

[Castiel: I’m going to become a hunter.] Sgriccia: Because he says something that’s totally straight – it comes off as really, really funny.

[Sam: Really? Castiel: Yeah. I could be your third wheel! (Sam laughs and bites his tongue) Dean: You know that’s not a good thing, right? Castiel: Course it is! A third wheel adds extra grip, greater stability-] Glass: Everything from the way he plays him, where, y’know- And it allows us to write great jokes where he doesn’t always get what’s being said, you know, and always, y’know, takes things very literally.

[Dean: She’s right, you know. I mean, the whole heart jumping out of the guy’s chest, the- the delayed fall - that’s straight-up Bugs Bunny. Castiel: So we’re looking for some sort of insect-rabbit hybrid? How do we kill it?] Jensen: The fact that he is (laughs) has really committed to that character, uh, I think made it really, uh, really unique and interesting for the storyline.

[Castiel: (interviewing a cat) I’ve almost cracked him. Dean: Now! Castiel: Hey, I’m not through with you. Cat: Dumbass.] Edlund: Misha really played that in a lot of different ways. I mean, there’s been a lot of different incarnations of Castiel, because he’s gone through so much. Glass: I’m gonna go really geeky on you guys right now. (laughs) Um, you know, he’s our Data from Star Trek: Next Generation, you know? He is our character that allows us to explore humanity. He’s an angel who loves humans, and so I think what you’re getting to see in him and what makes him such a great character is, he’s a reflection of us.

[Castiel: (yelling) Why did you kill your husband?! Dean: Agent Stills? Sam: Please, forgive my partner. He’s, uh, he’s going through some stuff.] Edlund: It’s his un-formedness, in a way, as an angel that allows him to make the decisions he makes during the course of the- the story. He had what Dean and Sam later described as a moral lapse.

[Castiel: Speak plain. Crowley: I want to discuss a simple business transaction, that’s all. Castiel: You want to make a deal? With me?]

Misha: One of the biggest problems with the character is that he’s too powerful, and you don’t want an ally, uh, for Sam and Dean who can solve all of their problems with a snap of his fingers, so one of the things that they’ve been doing with Castiel over the last several years is finding ways to impede his power. He becomes kind of an enemy by being God, or he goes insane. There’s all these different layers that they have used to incapacitate him in some way. When we first met Castiel, he was very much the good little soldier. Over time, his exposure to Sam and Dean has made him much more human. It has given him, y’know, questions to wrestle with, like, “Do I have freewill? Do we all have freewill?” Questions that a good little soldier doesn’t normally wrestle with. Mark S.: We intersect with each other because we have agenda that are similar.

[Crowley: I’m talking about Raphael’s head on a pike. I’m talking about happy endings for all of us, with all possible entendres intended. C’mon. Just a chat?] Dabb: Crowley was made in Hell, Castiel was made in Heaven, and both of them are rebelling to some degree. They’ve both kind of broken away from the home office. They’re both kind of rebels in that way, and I think that’s what really gave them a common ground. They’re like, y’know, we’re rebels. You’re a rebel, I’m a rebel, let’s be rebels together.

[Crowley: It’s either this, or the apocalypse all over again. Everything you’ve worked for, everything that Sam and Dean have worked for-- gone.] Sgriccia: I think there was always gonna be some flaws in him – you know, power corrupts. So he got corrupted, and he went the wrong way, and it went- horribly bad. You know, because he had all those souls in him, um, and he realized that it wasn’t gonna work. Y-you know, that’s the human part coming out, that he realizes that. Otherwise he would have just kept going.

[Castiel slams Crowley against a wall.] Carver: For me, it’s all a balance between the joy and the pain. Mark S.: I mean, this is- it’s an amazing push and pull.

[Crowley: This is not how synergy works!] Mark S.: They need each other. They’re, y’know, they’re two sides of a very similar coin. Misha: Ah, boy, Crowley is pr- a big problem. And he just doesn’t seem to be going away, unfortunately. I don’t know what to do about it.

[Naomi: Tell me about Sam and Dean. Castiel: The prophet is being kept safe. The tablet has split in two, and the Winchesters are trying to recover the missing piece. Why am I telling you any of this?] Mark S.: The introduction of Naomi adds a- a second twist to it, which is, angels aren’t just the goody-goody- I mean, we’re getting a sense here that the stuff being done – “for the good of the garrison” shall we say – goes beyond what we thought angels were capable of doing.

[Naomi: Let us put the tablet back where it should be. Castiel: I need to protect it.] Singer: When he realizes that he’s been sort of a pawn in this game again, he feels I don’t- I can’t do anything right, I- y’know, it- it just wh- Whatever I do in relation to the Winchesters or whatever I do here on Earth when I think I’m being helpful, here I’m being puppeted by this-this person. Dabb: Cas is seen by heaven as an agent of chaos. You know, for good reason.  Like, he ripped the place apart, he’s instrumental in the downfall of these Archangels.

Singer: He’s kind of crestfallen a-about this. He feels, “The best thing for me to do is just,” you know, “Get the hell out of here. Go underground. Not be- not be involved.” Sgriccia: The humanist part helps him correct himself in a way. There’s this whole thing about heaven and the angels and how they’re dysfunctional and just like humans in a way, only a different level of arguments and disagreements. And there’s- is, you know, it’s in disarray in heaven, and he doesn’t want that anymore. Jared: Cas is starting to see the power of humanity, um, through these brothers, and what they’re willing to do and what they’re willing to sacrifice. And I think that’s kind of a story that Supernatural is trying to tell. Edlund: His ability to connect with a human, a naturally flawed, naturally imperfect, naturally given to the doubts and caprices of freewill – there’s something broken in Cas that resonates with whatever it is that is broken in humanity.

[Naomi: Castiel. Castiel!] Edlund: There’s a crack in Cas and, I put forward, the crack through which amazing things come. That’s why he keeps coming back. It has to be this way, in part because he was the one who was primed to lose it in the face of humanity’s plight. Singer: He realizes the, um, the importance of the angel tablet and his one last sort of thing of “I’m gonna do the right thing” is “I’m going to protect this- this tablet.“

[Castiel: They’re getting closer. Waiter: What’s that, Chief?] Singer: “This is- this is my last connection to God, really, and I have this tablet and I’m going to at all costs hold it and keep it. I don’t want the Angels to have it, I don’t want the Winchesters to have it. This is my last shot to make it right for me.”

[Castiel: Shut up! (knocks an angel down and casts him out of his vessel] [Castiel walking into the barn in Season 4] Glass: You can write a great character, but if it’s not acted right, uh, then it doesn’t mean anything. And, what really any writer or producer will tell you is what’s amazing – and I know this is the case with Misha – where you write a great character but then they come in and even bring it to a whole other level. Dabb: You have a universe. You have stories you want to tell. You have different moving parts. And if someone’s a moving part that can, y’know, twi- spin and spin and spin, they’re al- you’re always gonna get more use out of them, versus the one person that’s just there for a little while. Sometimes, you know that kind of early on, but more often it- it’s something that is really only apparent- only apparent in hindsight. Misha: That’s also something that has worked well for me. It’s just gratifying and interesting to play something that is always changing, and not to be sort of stuck in a rut. 

Dabb: It’s- a character – like any character, but especially a character like Castiel, who’s grown so much – really is a collaboration between the writers, the directors, y’know, the production, and, uh, particularly the actor. Glass: Misha just- he’s- he’s amazing as- as- as Cas. And, I think this guy’s gonna do okay. I think this is not the last we’ll see of this Misha. Hm? [Castiel looks up at the sky as the angels fall.]

[iyliss]

What does ‘destiny’ means for Saiou and Edo.

Honestly, trying to explain precisely and without missings what « destiny » means in season 2 is rather impossible. I will probably forget things, or maybe aspects will contradict themselves somedays but I don’t really care. There’s too much to tell, and right now I will try to focus on exactly one aspect. What do Saiou and Edo means when they talk about destiny. (Also I will use more or less precise quotes and rephrasing, but I can give the specific lines and episodes. I just don’t like how pictures looks on posts like this, and Im really writing this for myself before anyone else). So. What do I mean by all that. The concept of destiny is often used by both Edo and Saiou but it appears that they don’t really put the same exact meaning behind it. Though when they talk to each other they mostly use it in similar way, some other iterations don’t exactly match. For exemple, Edo initially can’t believe Saiou’s predictions may change or turn out wrong, while Saiou treats it rather calmly. Edo also many times iterates that destiny is an immovable object, that humans can’t pretend alter, while Saiou talks a lot about changing it. So. What does it mean for the both of them and why does it hold different meaning ? And please do know that that is just a massive piece text.

First, let’s consider Edo’s meaning. As said, Edo begin by sincerely thinking that destiny is absolutely impossible to change. It’s something that dictate people’s life, but that they can’t escape nor control beyond having some knowledge of it. In his first duel against Judai, he specify that it is something determined at birth, and already is written as such. In a way, it’s a rather god-like concept : all powerful and beyond humans’ reach. I think this all ties in Edo’s inner desire of some kind of absolute justice. In the earliest episodes, Edo sincerely think there’s a difference between exceptionnal people, who were given abilities and an incredible fate to accomplish, and everyone else who can’t ever reach the firsts’ level. It’s a justice in the sense that everyone will receive in measure of their greatness eventually, which is only given and not chosen. It’s also a justice in the sense of good and evil. Edo clearly doesnt believe in any justice system, chasing criminals himself. As such, destiny is the consequences of being an inherently bad person, that any good person (that Edo surely take himself for) has the right to punish. This divine justice destiny influence as such most of Edo’s early personnality. The way he disrespects others, and the way he grows to view Saiou. One of the thing that made him unable to notice the quite morally wrong things Saiou was doing, is because he still believes that there’s a strict limit between good, innocent people, and those who commits crimes. And Saiou can’t possibly be on the second case. It is further strenghtend by the absoluteness of his concept of destiny, potentially projecting that, destiny being always right, Saiou who incarnates it for him must be as well.

As such, Edo’s challenge against destiny was majorly based on accepting that it does not exist, first by breaking the order it had built. It went by having to face that Saiou may not always be right, but also that he may not be as special as he thought. And that’s the part where Judai is possibly able to save Saiou. If it’s Judai, instead of him, then it means for Edo that he is not really exceptional. It means destiny is wrong, and it means rebuilding the fundation of his ego. That’s why Edo stops talking about destiny rather brutally. The moment the rules break, he can’t do much but let go of them. That’s why, when the Light and Saiou still tells him about destiny, he just ignores it. Between the moment he realized his destiny had lost meaning and then, he ended up viewing himself and Saiou as much more whole and human (and also realized believing in destiny hadn’t help him as much as Saiou in himself had).

As for Saiou’s destiny The way he talks about it make it seem a lot less rigid. At the end his goal is to change it, by meeting Edo, then by observing Judai. He accepts the changes he sees and, as seen in his duel against Manjoume, choice is allowed. His is closer to the uncontrollable consequences of things. It’s kind of the meaning of that duel. Around the end, Saiou asks Manjoume to shuffle his deck before he draws the card on top, which will mean Manjoume either win or lose.  Right there, Manjoume both has and has no choice. He can choose when to stop the shuffling but, in the end, not knowing what card is on top, he doesnt really control anything. Choice matters (it is what decides what card will be on top), but having the right card is not really under control. In all that, Saiou is in a position of knowing what card will be drawn, but not how. He knows the outcome, but not the execution. And this situation of knowing the outcome but having little control over the process is how he uses destiny. That’s his « destiny of destruction » : he knows that he will eventually go through this but is rather powerless when it comes to preventing it. Edo is going to save him ? Sure but he doesnt know why or how, the best he can do is make sure he’s in his life. And so on. The predictions can be wrong, the result can change, but there’s always this aspect of not having control on whats to come. It is close to determinism.

When Saiou challenges his own destiny, it’s by managing to not care about it. The main issue that can arise from a certain kind of determism is the thought that people are actually powerless, and everything is just consequences of causes that can’t be control. The only way to get back control , in  Saiou’s situation, is by knowing the causes. That’s pretty much what he does when he tries to find out who will save him, and just about everytime he reads the future. He’s trying to find the causes of the consequences he already knows. That leads him to never really take actions. That’s one of the meaning behind his saying that he is imprisonned by destiny. Knowing it makes it impossible for him to actually think he’s changing anything. This is one main difference between Edo and Saiou’s concept of destiny. An opposition rather meaningful in season 2, between believing and knowing. Edo believed that some people were inherently better than others. It wasnt really based on any truth, and his path was to let go of that belief. Saiou knows the outcoms, it’s not something that can be undone, causality is based on logic and, at the end, it’s pretty much impossible to stop knowing that causes and consequences are a thing. His development is about not caring about it, or not focusing on it. The last thing Edo says about destiny is that he doesnt believe in it. The last thing Saiou has related to that is refusing to listen to the Light talking about serving destiny. So, no longer focusing on what’s to come, including no longer being able to tell the future.

And if you’re wondering, the meaning Saiou gives to destiny in season 4 is a bit different so… I wont really cover it here.

But, there’s something those two meanings have in common. They are the concentration of what both of them used as children to deal with their situation, and importantly filling the absence of adults in their life, and that they projected on a singular concept.

Edo was found lost and alone after his father’s death. He coped mostly by projecting the guidance he lacked onto his cards (leading to being so protective of them), and the idea of destiny brought by Saiou. I’m comparing the two because, while the D Heroes are quite obviously a reminder of his father, his « destiny » can be too as it is heavily based on heroic narratives. At the end of the day, all his talk about people’s fate being written in advance, the difference between the exceptionnal people, the unimportant one, and the evil ones, it’s like a story. Behind all this, there’s still a little boy dealing with loss by projecting himself into a story (inspired by the heroes from his father), where the hero is brave and strong and better than anyone else despise his tragic past, where there are unimportant npcs here to show how great the hero is, and a Big Bad to save someone he loves from. Thinking everything is written makes sense since it’s how stories always goes. At the beginning, Edo is very passionate about destiny, but also about heroes and how those cards are for him alone. His development goes by both accepting that Judai may save Saiou, that he isnt as important as he believed he was, and that heroes can be just fun as well. And it all comes from what he needed as a child : reassurance, justice (that adults couldn’t provide by not finding his father’s murderer), and promise that he had a future and a happy ending. Destiny was a continuation of his father’s legacy, and a way for him to keep building himself despite the lack of adults in his life.

As for Saiou, he pretty much says he used destiny as a survival tool when he was a kid. Especially to stay sane. The first effect destiny had on him was to keep some kind of rationality. The way he uses his power, and talks about destiny, is quite distant. Being able to understand both what was going on for him, and what would happen (his own prediction) has hardly controllable causalities, allowed him to make sense of it. On one side, as someone with more information, distancing himself surely was one of his own coping mechanism. On the other, thinking that there are so many factors leading to something can reduce guilt, especially when it comes to his « destiny of destruction ». Following destiny meant he wasnt in total control, so it wasnt completely his fault. Even if the whole guilt reducing part may not have worked, it did made him strongly feel like he had no real control on his life. That’s how destiny played for him the role an adult would have. Taking responsibility for his life, his action, and organise it. Saiou talks so often about being guided by destiny, as a way to separate himself from decision and actions he shouldn’t have had to take as a child. Interestingly, Saiou is conscious of using destiny like that since he is a child. When he refers to when he met Edo, he does think of it as his own intention, but view them as wrong. Unlike Edo, who’s transition out of destiny was rather brutal, Saiou don’t have a moment of realization. He may have known for a long time that, even if destiny like that isn’t so good to focus on, he won’t really stop. Escaping destiny in a way is not so much about changing what is to come, but letting go of the concept itself.

So I think Im running out of things to say if I want to keep it focus. I hope it makes some sense and interest, it’s hard constantly reminding myself of how the characters are and what they say so I can put down something coherent. I am pretty sure I won’t agree with some stuff in a bunch of week but I don’t really care, at least now some more thoughts are out in the wild.

[degenerate-perturbation]

Chapters: 26/38 Fandom: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening, Dragon Age II Rating: Mature Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence Relationships: Female Amell/Female Surana Characters: Female Amell, Female Surana, Anders, Velanna, Nathaniel Howe, Oghren (Dragon Age), Justice (Dragon Age), Sigrun (Dragon Age), Varric Tethras, Isabela (Dragon Age), Male Hawke (Dragon Age), Pride Demon(s) (Dragon Age) Additional Tags: Established Relationship, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Self-Harm, Blood Magic, Prostitution, Drowning, Wilderness Survival, Mind Control, Human Experimentation, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better Series: Part 2 of void and light, blood and spirit Summary: Amell and Surana are out of the Circle, and are now free to build a life together. But when the prison doors fly open, what do you have in common with the one shackled next to you, save for the chains that bound you both?

Calder was dead.

She hadn't meant to kill him, but it was still her fault. She'd taken away his ability to feel pain or fear. She'd thought it kind. 

Loriel put the body in stasis, so it would not rot, and sat down by it. The floor was sticky. Blood new and old stained her robes. She'd hoped to have years. He'd lasted hardly a month.

Idly she wondered whether he would still be her thrall, if she raised him. Probably not. Blood magic affected the mind through the body; it couldn't touch the spirit. But it didn't matter. She didn't need his spirit. 

(Probably. Maybe.)

She needed to talk to her collaborator. By now the summoning spell came easily.

Veritas stretched catlike through the rip in the Fade. "Hello, little mageling. Have you updates for me? Did you try the experiment I suggested?"

"Yes," she said flatly. "It killed him."

Veritas tilted its head, curiously. "Oh? What did it?"

"I haven't yet ascertained the exact cause.” Her fingers curled into fists and released over and over again. “I didn't think...I didn't realize it would kill him."

Calder hadn't either. He hadn't felt the pain. Her own fault, for failing to appreciate the necessity of pain. How many times would she have to learn the same lesson? She should have known better.

"Shall we discuss the likeliest possibilities?" Veritas offered.

"Oh, you mean you don't know?" Loriel said sarcastically. "You are an utterly useless demon of knowledge."

"As you've so cleverly noted in the past, my dear Loriel Surana, I do not know everything," sniffed Veritas. "If I did, I would have even less use for you than I do now. I have never taken a mortal body and know comparatively little of such things."

It was true that Veritas had shown remarkably little interest in escaping its bindings or trying to possess her. Perhaps that was part of the reason she kept summoning it. The one time she had asked why it showed so little interest in the mortal world, Veritas had said, I prefer to watch.

"Be that as it may," she seethed, "You've killed my only subject. They are not easy to come by."

"Lie. You killed him. As for coming by subjects-they could be easier to come by if you stopped be so precious about where they come from."

"I’m past that. I don't care where they come from," Loriel said. "I care about keeping the loyalty of my Seneschal. If I were some apostate crouched in a filthy cave, I could do as you say, but I am the Arlessa of Amaranthine and Commander of the Grey."

"Hm. You are that. I wonder why?" 

"I have to be. For any of this to matter."

"Lie," Veritas noted.

"Enough. We have work to do,” she snapped. “This situation must be salvaged. I have the body in stasis, but my magic and the taint interact strangely, and it likely will not last."

They talked a while more about what further use Calder’s body might be, before it was too far gone. The next few days went to those experiments. Not useless, but not what she needed.

She did end up raising his shade, out of guilt and grim curiosity. There wasn’t much left of it. Weeks under such crushing mental pressure had left his spirit confused, enraged, and in pain. It didn’t even look human anymore.

It tried to kill her. She dismissed it before it ever got close, but as it was ripped from this world she thought she saw hints of magma in its facsimile of skin. 

For several heart-hammering minutes she believed that she had created a Rage demon.

Veritas confirmed that she might have, or at least, the beginnings of one. But more likely before the seed of psychic nucleation could form a demon, the shade would diminish to a wisp and eventually dissolve into the emerald waters. 

Most likely.

tck

After that she seriously considered stopping. Would she have done that to Calder’s body if she had known what it would do to his soul? She had thought she had accepted the evil in herself, made her peace with it, but in the abyss of her heart there seemed always to be another unseen chasm, and each time she teetered on the edge she could not help but cling to it.

How could she possibly bear to do that again?

But...could she bear to have done that, and known it to have accomplished nothing? Could she bear to find another way, and know that she needn’t have?

Yes. Yes, she could bear it. Veritas would never let her pretend to be too weak for that. But though she could bear a world where she had done needless evil, that did not guarantee it was this world. It did not mean she was free.

She scrubbed her hands until they were red and stinging and almost clean, and went to go receive Brigit’s report.

No new deaths. No new Callings. No sign of the Architect.

“Oh, and Brigit,” Loriel said, almost on impulse, just as the Seneschal prepared to bow and go. “One further question. The sheriff of Amaranthine. What sort of man is he?”

Brigit had taken her Commander’s direction to dress more finely. She wore a high-necked woolen gown beneath a vest dashed through with silverite. Sapphires glittered at her ears. Her back was ramrod straight and she looked every inch a queen. But there remained the trace of hesitation when she answered: “I believe that he believes himself to be a righteous man.”

“And you do not agree with his self-assessment.”

“He is merciful. But he is not just.” Brigit’s lips pressed together. “I have had reports of certain crimes under his jurisdiction going unpunished, or punished far too lightly. Those committed against women, children, elves…I have thought about replacing him, but he is popular in Amaranthine. Mercy, however unearned, often is.”

“No need to replace him. No need to cause an upset.” The barest of pauses. “But perhaps we might consider having more prisoners sent to the Vigil for processing.”

Brigit listened carefully, and spoke slowly: “You wish to offer them the Joining?”

“Everyone deserves a second chance.” Smooth, perfectly reasonable. “Don’t you agree?” 

The Seneschal took her meaning. 

“But of course, I do not insist,” Loriel said quickly. "You know how much I value your opinion.”

Faint color came to the Seneschal’s cheeks. She could have said no. She could have taken the out. Loriel gave her every chance.

“I agree with you completely, ser,” the Seneschal said instead, and she knew what she was doing, she had to have known. “I’ll make the arrangements.”

Loriel did not thank her. Only nodded, and that was her cue to go.

She leaned back and closed her eyes.

If she was going to do this, she could not afford to let her pride keep getting in the way. She needed to talk to the expert. She needed to go see Avernus.

tck

She sent a short, impersonal note to Avernus that she would be arriving that week. She gave no further details. Even if she had been stupid enough to write down anything sensitive, every time she sat down to compose anything, after nearly a full year of silence, her mind went blank.

The ride to Soldier’s Peak was long and full of uneasy dread, but when she arrived, Avernus acted like nothing had happened. He shuffled around his tower, checking on bubbling reagents and pulsating petri dishes of living flesh, asking terse questions without waiting for answers. She couldn’t tell if he genuinely had not noticed the absence of her letters or if this was an act for her benefit—and if it was an act, if it was a kind one or scornful one. 

Even if it were scorn, it wouldn’t matter. There could be no room for pride.

“I’ve begun to use human subjects,” she said bluntly.

She expected him to gloat, but he only snorted, “About time,” and carried on as though it was nothing, about some experiment with artificial flesh.

“Actually,” she interrupted, “that is what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Oh? So this isn’t merely a social visit?” As though they’d ever had social visits. “Well, then, I will say this much—I am certainly glad of it. In truth I did not think you would change your mind so soon, but I am glad you have. Now we might move forward.”

His approval pleased her, and her pleasure in that approval disgusted her. 

Avernus knew in detail answers to questions she hadn’t even thought to ask. How to keep a subject alive, with minimal suffering. How to prevent a subject’s spirit from becoming...that thing she had made. She burned with shame to think that she hadn’t asked him before. So much could have been avoided. Already her pride had wrought so much waste.

The only thing she did not mention  was Veritas. She knew what he would say if he knew, and did not want to hear it. Avernus was still sour about his encounter with the demon possessing Sophia Dryden, and would curse her occasionally, anytime he found another thing wrong with the quality of the Fade.

“By the way,” he said, “that black crystal of yours. I looked through my library. I cannot confirm it, but it may be depleted lyrium. You can copy my notes if you wish.”

“Oh. Thank you. I will.” She’d never even heard of such a thing before. When she had shown the crystal to Veritas, the demon had hissed and flinched and demanded she take it away immediately. It had been so enraged, all thousand of its eyes bent upon the thing in hatred; it was one of the few times Loriel had felt frightened of it.

Somehow, despite it all, they settled into an old rhythm, of stark and easy mutual curiosity and intellectual challenge. The extended period of no contact meant that there was much to discuss; his lab space was no longer even recognizable, and Avernus could talk about his ongoing experiments for hours.

There was only one bench he hadn’t spoken of.

“That is old work,” he said. “I figured out the formula years ago. There are some perfections to be made, of course, but there are greater challenges.”

“But what does it do?”

He raised a nearly nonexistent eyebrow. “Do you not know? This is the same tincture you stole from me, when you first barged into my fortress.”

“My fortress,” Loriel corrected. “My deepest apologies for the intrusion. I hadn’t realized you were so enjoying being trapped in your tower and tormented by demons.”

“I far prefer to be trapped in my tower and tormented by my superior officer.” The man’s grin was truly skull-like. She was thankful he rarely showed it. “So, you mean to tell me you never made use of it?”

“No. I hardly even remember taking it,” she said. Lie, she heard Veritas breathe in her ear. “It was only a passing curiosity. Though I suppose might still have it somewhere.” As though she did not know exactly in which drawer she had stowed it. 

“Hmph. Your passing curiosity cost me four months of work. I had to reconstitute it from scratch. Mind you, the new one was better...so I suppose I should thank you.” Avernus hmphed in amusement and returned to his workbench. “I could tell you hadn’t drunk it yourself, but I thought perhaps you had passed it onto one of your less talented compatriots. That woman of yours, perhaps. Where has that one gotten to, anyway? I have not seen her here of late.”

At first Loriel could only stare in disbelief. By some miracle, in all these years, Avernus had not once, not a single time, ever inquired about her. 

Loriel laughed, a thin dry sound, and couldn’t stop. 

She knew that there was some reason that she liked him. No wonder he hadn’t written over the past year. What was a year to him? He probably had no idea she’d even been angry. That she had spent any time at all worrying about what he thought of her suddenly struck her as the height of absurdity.

“And just what is so funny?” the old blood mage said dryly. Dryly, of course dryly. Anything so old would be so dry. Would she live long enough to dry out like him?

The thought of enduring so many years sobered her instantly. “Nothing. Nothing. My apologies.” She shook her head. “So, what does this tincture do?”

“Yes, yes, don’t be so impatient. It allows a Grey Warden direct access to the taint in his blood, and draw power from it.”

“From the taint? Like blood magic, but with darkspawn blood?”

“Ah, but only a mage might learn blood magic. With my brew, any Grey Warden, even a mundane could have gained this power. Limitedly, of course, limitedly...there is simply no substitute for a lifetime of training, but a strong-willed Grey Warden born without a hint of Fade about him might have eventually bested a mage of mediocre Circle training. A Grey Warden is so intimately connected to the taint in his blood, you know...Many of my subjects mentioned how profoudnly it changed them to truly gain mastery over that part of themselves.” Then he shrugged. “But the side effects could be quite unpleasant. Took me ages to work out a formula that wouldn’t kill the subject sooner or later. Worth it, perhaps, but perhaps not. Certainly  interesting for a Warden mage...there is nothing quite like it. The precision of blood magic, without the cost.” The old mage shrugged. “Mind—the vial you have must have long expired. It is likely poison now. Here is your chance, if you still want it.”

She glanced askance at the bubbling still. “No thank you,” she said primly. “I am not in the habit of experimenting on myself.”

“That is precisely your problem,” Avernus snorted. “But suit yourself.”

Lie, lie, lie, rang Veritas’s sing-song in her head. Of course she had not forgotten the vial. Every once in a while, organizing her cupboards, she would come across it, black and still bubbling, alive, after all these years. She would pick it up, and hold it, and feel its unnatural warmth in her hand. She had done so just last month.

She ended up staying longer at Soldier’s Peak than strictly necessary. There was, as ever, much to do, but for the first time in a long time she was not eager to do it.

tck

“How much powdered deathroot for a draught of neutralization?”

“One of a thousandth of fifteen grams.”

Loriel measured it out, and did not speak again for many long minutes, when she asked: “What is the temperature at which silverite melts?”

“Six-thousand and seventeen degrees.”

She checked the expensive thermometer, ordered for a kingly sum direct from Orzammar, and raised the temperature in the furnace. It would be some time before it would be ready. She would take the opportunity to organize her notes from Avernus. 

Veritas prowled. The summoning spell Loriel had been using lately allowed for it.

“Where was Angletierre?” she asked idly, coming across a name she did not recognize.

“It is an old name for Ferelden, in Old Orlesian.” Loriel hummed vaguely and kept reading, until Veritas lost its patience. 

“Was there a purpose to you summoning me? Or do you intend to sit in silence ignoring me except when you desire answers to your petty questions?”

“The summoning spell takes nearly five minutes,” Loriel said indifferently, turning a page. “It doesn’t make sense to dismiss and recall you each time I have something to ask. You have free movement about this space; use it if you like.”

“You are incredibly rude, to invite a guest into your home and then ignore him all day long.” When she did not respond, it prodded her: “So, how has your pet blood mage been?”

“Same as ever. Naturally.” She set the stack of books and notes that she had brought upon the oaken desk. “I believe I am comfortable moving forward now, with the next set of experiments."

“And when can I expect to meet him? I think he and I would get along.”

“Never. Not happening.”

“Why, Loriel Surana. It almost sounds as though you are ashamed of me. Don’t you want to take me home to meet the rest of the family?”

“Shut up,” she said vaguely, without much venom. “Go and find him in the Fade, if you are so curious.”

“That’s the problem with you blood mages. You hardly touch the Fade.”

“Then you will have to live with disappointment.”

Veritas’s lion tail swished back and forth. “It’s mostly the mages with an unusual propensity for my kind that I can find most easily. Spirit mages, you call them.”

“Mhm.” Loriel stayed focused on organizing the notes. 

“She’s doing just fine without you, you know.”

She was at first so puzzled by the non sequitur that she had no idea how to respond. “Pardon?”

The demon’s eyes blinked and shivered all over its body, as its words slowly registered. 

“You should see her from my end,” said Veritas, relishing every word. “Lit up like a beacon. Impossible to miss. Shall I tell you where she is?”

The spell broke. “No, thank you.”

“She’s in Dairsmuid right now. Surrounded by family and friends, free and whole at last.”

“Good. That was quite the point.”

Silence for a time. “You could have been so happy together.”

“We already weren’t.”

She got through several sheafs before the demon spoke again, “Does it bother you, that you are utterly alone?”

“I am no more alone than anybody else.”

“How interesting. You appear to really believe that.”

“Am I wrong?” She snorted. “We’re all alone inside our heads, at the end of the day.”

“And yet you pour your heart out to a demon, one you regard as not-even-a-person, so desperate are you not to be so alone.”

“I am pouring nothing.” She rolled the scroll up with a snap and turned to give the demon her full attention. “Veritas. Precisely what is the point of this little game?”

Veritas smiled broadly. “Simply making conversation.”

“Not one I am interested in having," she snapped. "I do not live in the past. You cannot draw me there with taunts.”

Veritas chuckled, so deep that the stone itself seemed to shake. “Ridiculous mageling. As though you are anything but a mountainous heap of Past, covered by the thinnest crust of Present.”

She rolled her eyes. “Clever. But if you wish to perturb me then I suggest you try a different approach. I do not think of her. I do not think of that time in my life at all.”

It tilted its head. “How interesting! That was the truth. You really don’t think of her.” It settled, and at first Loriel thought it was the end of it. “But she thinks of you.  And such thoughts they are, shouted out into the Fade for anyone to hear. Aren’t you curious what they are?”

“I have no intention in indulging myself,” she said, which was not, strictly speaking, the answer to its question.

Veritas huffed. “You are intolerably boring.”

“I am truly sorry that I cannot be of more amusement. But there is nothing true in this world that I would flinch to know. I am not afraid of you.”

Suddenly the demon sprang up. She felt rather than saw it move.

“You should be afraid. And you should be sorry.” She could feel its hot breath on the back of her neck. “If you did not amuse me, I would not give you so many truths for free.”

Slowly, slowly, she turned around. It knew as well as she did that if it touched her, it would be bound. Loriel had embedded the glyph in her skin. She made a point to smile. “For free? As though I rely on your generosity?”

“You can no more force me to serve you than drink the Fade.”

“Try me," she hissed. "I like you, Veritas, and I like your company. You keep me honest.” She thought—intended—the spell of repulsive force. The demon skidded away from her, into the corner, growling. “But this latest game of yours is tiresome and nothing requires me to tolerate it. I summoned you in the first place because I was not on speaking terms with my collaborator, and that is no longer the case.”

“Indeed? You have no further need of me?” The demon’s thousand eyes gleamed. “Is that why you summoned me hours ago, just to keep you company?”

“I said I liked your company. Not that I needed it.”

“Hmm. That is so. It seems that there is precious little that you need. And even less you want." Again the demon settled. "You fascinate me, Loriel Surana. You are rude, but you are interesting.”

“I will take that as a compliment.”

A period of renewed silence, interrupted only by the scratching of her quill.

“Did you know,” said the demon of truth, “that your mother has been waiting in the courtyard to see you for over a fortnight?”

The spilled ink ruined several sheafs of parchment, and the stain never did come out of the woodgrain.

[pleasefeedthebirds]

A Relatively Deep Dive Into My “Crème de la Crème” MCs - #1. Mavis Linnet

(From the astonishingly crisp interactive fiction by @hpowellsmith! ...It’s not weird to tag, right?)

Mavis “Miss Linnet” Mallee-Linnet

she/her/hers

Light brown complexion and loosely curled brown hair

Favors conventionally masculine fashion 

Accommodating

Manipulative

Traditional

Exceptional Poise

Noteworthy Wit and Intrigue

Commonplace Spirit

Unremarkable Flair

LOADS more info and spoiler content under the cut!

I envision Mavis as having grown up in a wealthy household, where she was still raised reasonably well about the importance of non-profligate spending. Her parents both taught at Olmstead’s Valley School, where she was in attendance for the bulk of her college-age years. Sailing was manageablely smooth. Mavis got along well in her studies, had time for both dressage and lacrosse, and—for her genuine interest in the subject matter—made it on the good side of many educators there (albeit not as often her fellow students, being for all the world their definition of a teacher’s pet!).

Her life took an abrupt shift in its trajectory when Mr. Mallee, her father, had a shameful affair come to light. Their rural community was small enough that such a thing made waves. Her other father, Mr. Linnet, sent Mavis off to Gallatin with the still-favorable Linnet name, and spent a pretty penny to do so. Primarily, he did this to save her from suffering by association, and was very vocal about these intentions. He’s definitely also relying on her to save their social standing, and despite the point being markedly unspoken, Mavis quietly understands.

So, Mavis feels an immense pressure to make the most of her time at Gallatin. She tries to conform unfalteringly to the school’s every long-winded social expectation, which exhausts her utterly. However, by her proficiency in book research, and her sincere knack for studying people, she has grown excellent at “playing the game” in high society. 

More than ever, Mavis is dedicated to her studies at Gallatin, even when the prescribed syllabus is less than stimulating. She keeps her head down so to never risk rocking the boat. This mode of being doesn’t make her happy per say, but the Gallatin atmosphere has her shoehorned into believing there’s no feasible alternative. She’s cognizant of surface level flaws in the system, but plays along because she thinks she has to. After all, it’s her way out of rural smallmindedness and into an academic world. That said, things certainly can change, particularly when one can’t help but notice atrocities being committed against literal children!

5’10”, with broad shoulders but slender hips. Her body makes an upside-down triangle shape.

Prone to acne, her skincare routines are extensive, and she’s usually up at the crack of dawn every day to get her proverbial ducks in a row.

Her hair is thinner than it looks, and she takes especial care when rationing it about her scalp. She feels vulnerable with it all the way down, so favors hair styles with low centers, such as looped pigtails, a nape bun, or double braids. Also labors to hide her considerable widow’s peak.

A heavy tea drinker. For all of her wits, she doesn’t realize that her mug o’ choice (earl grey) is highly caffeinated. She slugs the stuff down each day without ever realizing, because it “makes her feel better” about mornings.

Though it’s hardly polite, she LOVES gossip, and writes down every secret she hears as her guiltiest pleasure.

Miss Dalca and Mr. Griffith both make her uncomfortable—the former for her extreme progressiveness, and the latter for his gruff demeanor. Mr. Blanchard is her favorite teacher, and I bet she’s accidentally cried in his presence before. She’s scared of Lady Renaldt, and makes herself known to the headmaster only out of necessity.

Virtue: 91%

Popularity: 75%

Coursework Grade: A

Exam Mark: A+

Extracurricular(s): Birchmeier Society and the Gallatin Swans (goalkeeper)

*[Though not doable ingame, I like to think that she overloaded her schedule and dropped the Swans halfway through the semester. Mavis is never the type to drop anything, so having to take that step back was a double-edged blow to her confidence, in addition to being a sheer relief on her stress levels. Since the Birchmeier Society was where her heart truly lay, she managed to build herself back up there with Freddie’s support.]

Entanglements: Romantically engaged to Freddie.

Besties and then some with Freddie. They’re both hardworking scholars with each their own zest for learning, and by preparing for classes, exams, and Birchmeier Society biz in the same shared spaces, Mavis spent disproportionately more time with her than with anyone else. Freddie encouraged Mavis to be a bit less hard on herself, and was brave enough to stand up to her whenever Mavis’s fatigue was turning her curmudgeonly. Mavis helped get Freddie out of her own head on multiple occasions, taught her to break the most overwhelming situations down to deal with day-by-day, and bolstered her confidence anytime it faltered in the face of the Gallatin sphere. The engagement was Mavis’s idea, which she accidentally blurted out in a rare impulsive burst of feeling. After processing the implications, she was ashamed to have second thoughts upon remembering Freddie’s financial situation. It seemed for a while that the engagement was off, following a hard conversation that soured their relationship for awhile. I don’t think Freddie would easily bounce back after having her family standing scrutinized. However, the mine plot—when Mavis had to ultimately turn her back on everything she’d built at Gallatin—spurred character development enough that Freddie deemed her worthy of a second chance.

Friends with Gonzalez, who couldn’t help but respect that Mavis was competent in lacrosse, academically accomplished, and generally pretty nice to people. I don’t think she realizes that Mavis keeps a stiff mask. Mavis found Gonzalez refreshing, albeit off-puttingly honest, and couldn’t find a way to fault her spirited nature. I can’t imagine them engaging much off of the field (i.e. post Mavis quitting the team), but the two were mutually supportive in their interactions, even if Mavis was probably repressing some criticisms of Gonzalez’s fast and loose attitude all the while.

Friends with Max after he tutored her in flair, per Lady Renaldt’s instruction, via a sick dance sesh. I like to imagine him groaning about the task, assuming that Mavis would be a hopeless case, and then being pleasantly surprised at the fact that she can absolutely hit it (even just in the name of compliance with authority). He tried to make a move on her and was politely rejected. I think he supports the idea of her at a distance after recognizing that she’s not trying to breathe down anyone’s neck, and really is a kind, tired gal being squeezed dry by the system.

Friends with Hartmann, who was initially confused about which “side” Mavis was on in her prefectural feud with Max (Mavis shushed him at the opening commencement, which she liked, yet supported Max when he dipped out the common room window). They came to understand each other in the later game, bonding over how ill-affected they both are by the pressures of their respective positions. They don’t “hang out” much, but a couple of key deep conversations put each in the other’s good books.

Pleasant acquaintances with Karson. Mavis rarely went out of her way to talk to them, but whenever they crossed paths, she was good to Karson, and sympathized (albeit at a respectable distance) with their situation as a servant. When trouble in the mines was first coming to light, Mavis got sniffing, and sussed out enough clues that Karson eventually passed Blaise’s note on to her directly, trusting her moral compass enough to do so.

Unpleasant acquaintances with Delacroix. His unconventional take on life, passion for the intangible, and apathy towards collegiate procedure all make her uneasy. In his own right, Delacroix probably takes her for a stuffy, self-centered dud, which after all the times she’s reflexively shut his occult talk down, is pretty fair.

Acquaintances with Blaise. Mavis made nice in the early game because she had to, and was secretly relieved when she “resigned.” This was short lived, and turned into a misplaced sense of guilt after what actually happened to Blaise came to light. Mavis didn’t end up in the mines herself, but she did everything she could to help her, Miss Dalca, and eventually Gonzalez escape. When all was said and done, Blaise still made Mavis uncomfortable, and she let her be to get on with her life.

Approached Rosario at the punch table in an attempt to court the princess in the room… absolutely blew it. Ended up tripping over her own tongue when she realized that the heir is not so predictably wooed by traditional measures as originally anticipated. I like to think of that moment as a point of deeper connection for Mavis and Freddie, where both were totally overwhelmed by the noble sphere at Archambault and turned to each other for comfort. Otherwise, Rosario was a Rosari-no for Mavis.

Was weirded out by Auguste. Mavis fears any authority figures who don’t like her right away, and they’re too close to the ever-frigid Lady Renaldt for her comfort. She did totally trash them (benevolently) at dressage on sports day, though.

Gave Florin the widest possible berth. Mavis wanted nothing to do with that kind of scandal, but definitely found her shallowly cute. 

Some Choice Plot Pieces (cue spoilers):

Gathered evidence against Miss Dalca in compliance with Lady Renaldt.

Had an adequate working relationship with Miss Benton.

Gathered information for Annick against Lady Renaldt.

Endgame (cue SUPER spoilers):

Worked in secret against Lady Renaldt.

Sent Gonzalez to the mines, but most everyone got out (I believe Miss Dalca died?!).

Settled things quietly with Kathrili Burgin.

Went on to study at Gessner.

Joined Freddie for the summer.

[ziracona]

me: about to start a trial in dbd. my cat: Lays on my hands. me: ok nvm i guess. Ty for answering my michael ask. Hope it didn't come across as me saying "does this go away" and more "does he find out ways to manage his symptoms better?". So. What made him change his mind about listening to the voices in the later chapters? ALSO. Do Frank and Julie hesitate from interacting with the survivors out of guilt? or just because They're Like That. Does this ever change? - Sleepy

Lol, cats be like that. And np!

Hmmm, Michael—apologies if some of these things weren’t as self-evident as I thought they were in-fic :’-) — So! For him, it was a combination of several things. DbD Michael has had years of isolation and suffering to ruminate, and the only source of familiarity or anything that’s not a blanket negative in his life for all those years has been Laurie. He’s never hated her. He used to love her. As an adult, his motivation for killing her was never anger; it was just the price the voices told him they needed for him to be left alone in peace, which is all he really wanted and has been desperate for for years. But like, a couple decades of hunting in the realm were not pelasant for him. He hated being trapped there, and eternally unable to accomplish anything. It was hell. Laurie wasn’t exactly a source of community, but she was literally the only thing in the whole realm that he had any connection to at all. And once she started talking to him, that kind of did a lot. I mean, no one since he was a small child has even spoken to him by name outside of Loomis, who calls him ‘it’ and a demon as much as anything else. He’s starved for recognition and connection and affection, whether he’s aware of it or not, and he does remember Laurie. She’s like, one of the only good memory sources he has of his entire life. He liked her, they were happy as kids. Once she recognised official who he was and started talking to him about being her brother, it was confusing, because no one had treated him like a person—much less a person they were even as positively disposed towards as ‘sad’ or ‘conflicted’—since he was six. He’d never been offered any version of the future besides the one the voices and Loomis carved out for him and threw at his face every day. In Family Matters, Laurie tells him he’s supposed to protect her, and that they look the same when she sees him without the mask, and that he should keep it off because he’s so much less scary without it while she’s dying, and I think more than anything he just doesn’t know how to feel about all that. Laurie has been with him for years and never done it. In fact nobody has ever treated him like this before, and it’s nice just kind of universally to be liked or shown affection and familiarity or kindness, and it’s completely alien to him, but it’s not bad, and it’s the first not bad experience in decades, so he’s confused and it’s odd, but he also wants to hear more and tries to not kill her so she can talk more—tries to shake her shoulder to wake her back up—but it’s too late by then and she bleeds out. I think Dwight mentions later in a different chapter that even though Michael kills Laurie within a few minutes, he’s gone the entire trial until the very end. It’s because he spent the rest of that time trying to get her to wake back up before finally giving up and accepting she was dead.

He’s more open to talking in The Tower once he finally sees her again, and he still wants suicide pact, but is willing to compromise to get what he wants, and is kind of enjoying himself for once because stuff is happening and he has hope. He gets chewed out by two small strangers for being a bad brother, and then flips out when he realises Laurie was not going to do joint suicide today (and honestly a part of why he flips out so much in The Tower is Laurie’s “I meant like in a few months, not in 12 minutes! Why would you think I meant that?” embarrasss him and hurts his feelings. Michael is sensitive and does not like feeling mocked). Then Laurie shows up to have a showdown with him after he has calmed down a little, and the stuff she says about him having to be dead to her so she can still remember him as a kid as someone she loved really hurts, I think, even if he’s not introspective enough to get why. But at the end of it, when Laurie can’t kill him while he’s unconscious and chooses to leave him instead, he’s not unconscious for that whole speech. He’s awake a lot of it, because he’s smart enough to play dead (and routinely does in Halloween films when in his best interest) and is playing dead waiting for a chance to stop her from killing him for real. So, that means he’s awake and just super injured for her whole “I can’t do it. I can’t kill the memory of you. I hate myself for it, but I still love you. I wish that things could have been different. I wish our lives were good, and that I understood you. I wish I’d been old enough to do something. I wish you still loved me.” speech to what she thinks is his unconscious body, and while he didn’t get everything she said, he got most of it—he’s not stupid. And it was sweet, and sad, and overwhelming, and I don’t think anyone has ever said they loved him since he was six, and the people who did once are all dead now. I don’t think it occurred to him anyone could, or should, or would want to. And he doesn’t understand Laurie, because their lived experiences are so different, but what she says means something to him too. Laurie says in 600 Seconds that he’s all she’s had for forty years, and in a lot of ways, even if he felt it very differently, that’s true for Michael too.

When he finds Laurie in Vs., he’s still looking for his way out, but more than that, he’s just looking for her. Laurie immediately assumes he’s there to try to commit suicide with her again, but he doesn’t actually make her try that initially. Just comes to collect her. And then as soon as she gets attacked by Krueger, starts kicking ass and taking name on her behalf. Listens to her about not killing Quentin, partially because she’s threatening him with a knife, but partially because at this point he trust her as much as he’s ever trusted anybody. And she and Quentin work to save him, and do, and she gets him out of the realm, and so by the time he comes to find her for the last time in 600 Seconds, she’s not Cynthia Myers: the second sister I need to kill to obtain peace anymore. She’s Cynthia, the baby sister who remembers me and fought someone to protect me, and said she loves me, and is going to kill herself with me so we can both be at peace. And so when she begs him not to kill her, he cares. You have to understand, his few memories of Laurie from the last year or two in-realm are like, the only memories from his adult life that are even partially good. He’s never had a real shot at being a normal human because of Loomis, but she’s been working so hard to treat him like one just the same, and it matters to him that he can tell how much he matters to her. So when she asks him, his initial response is, “...Well. If I kill her and live, I can be at peace, but then what? What does life really have that I want?” And the answer is, as far as he knows, not really anything. He never thought past the quiet. And if he dies? He could be at peace that way too. So if Cynthia wants to live so badly, he can let her, because he doesn’t really want to kill her, and if she kills him instead, it’ll still be quiet. And that’s kind of nice. He can have looked out for her once before the end, like she wanted.

And then of course, Laurie is distraught over that response and tries to talk him out of killing himself too, and to convince him they could have a normal life together as family and deserve one. That it’s what she wants, and even if it seems impossible, she knows they could find a way to make it work for him too and to be okay, and says she had been good on her word so far. And she has, she got him out of the realm like she promised. And she wants it so bad, and Michael doesn’t really want anything but quiet, or he hasn’t, not for years, but he does now, because being with Laurie he’s almost felt like a real person again. And Michael has always disconnected himself from the killings—not in a DID way, just, he doesn’t think of the desire as his, because it’s not—it’s the voices—so he wears the mask if he’s going to kill. And it’s the voices who want Cynthia dead, but she’s asking him not to do it and not to die either, not them, and so he just makes his own choice for the first time in years, and says no to the voices, and does what she wants, because he hopes it’s what he wants too. Being with her is the closest to alive and happy he can remember feeling, and wants that. He wants to be Michael again, and not the Shape, he just doesn’t know if he can. But he decides to try. And then again, when she comes to find him in Out of Darkness, there’s that scene where he considers killing her when she’s asleep, because the voices are so overwhelming and he can’t stand it and he’s so depressed, but he remembers he promised her he wouldn’t kill her, and so he doesn’t, and then she wakes up a little when he goes back to the couch, and smiles at him and uses him as a pillow because she loves him and trusts him and isn’t afraid to touch him or show physical affection, and if almost kills him because being touched in any way not meant to hurt or move him is a thing he can barely even remember anymore. But it feels good, like, unbearably. And he doesn’t know who he is anymore or what he wants, except that he wants to try just in case maybe things can be okay. And so he does, and they are. Slowly, but they are. And he gets to be happy.

So, in short. The TLDR is his whole life he had two doors: Listen to the voices, or suffer alone in misery forever. And someone offered him a door number three, and because that person loved him, and he wanted to try for a life where he could keep being loved and maybe remember for real how to love somebody back, he took it. He never wanted to kill Judith, or Laurie. He did it out of desperation. And if he’d gotten help, he’d never have even killed Judith. He was just never presented with an alternative. Nobody ever gave him a way to choose to be Michael anymore. Until Laurie. And that’s what he really wanted—has always wanted. To get to be the fragments of a person he managed to keep alive through all those years of abuse and loss and isolation. Laurie was just what it took to convince him he had a choice. And that it might be one that even maybe could succeed.

As for Julie and Frank, they avoid the survivors out of a mixture of guilt, and also discomfort. It’s not super fun to be around people who hate you or judge you, no matter how much you deserve it. And they do feel bad, and neither one likes to think about that or the shit they did very much, much less be actively reminded of it. This does get better though! It takes a while, but the road trip Julie and Frank end up joining does a lot to help. Gets a couple of bridges built, and things get a lot better. It takes time, especially for them to not feel like totally shit around the people they hurt the most, but the more years pass, the better that gets, and they become a lot less prickly and defensive or self-isolating when around the survivors.

[connverse4life]

“Fragments” Undermines SU

WARNING: Major Spoilers ahead for the end of “Fragments”

Okay, so the recent SUF episode “Fragments” really put me on edge as it did a lot of people. But the thing that upsets me the most is Steven was able to bring back Jasper. Not only does this completely destroy whatever moral this episode tries to teach but it also nullifies an integral part of the original series.

From season one, Steven Universe has shown that shattering is the equivalent of death. There is no coming back from it. The main characters have always responded tragically to the idea of being shattered. Look at this scene from “A Single Pale Rose.”

This is one of the most intense scenes in the show. Fourteen-year-old Steven sees Pearl’s repressed memories of the war. The camera tilts up to show the broken shards of falling gems and Steven scoots back horrified. He even hugs himself as he walks through the battlefield alone with a tremor in his voice, showing how uncomfortable he is by the whole situation. It’s basically a kid who just saw dead bodies. Pearl is also completely broken. She’s shell-shocked, trembling, full of guilt and grief. Her reaction to this perfectly mirrors her initial reaction to “pretending” to shatter Pink Diamond. She is so traumatized that even though she didn’t actually kill anyone, the idea of doing it at all completely scars her - to such a massive degree that she can’t even eat or shapeshift until thousands of years later.

Steven is horrified too. He has always associated shattering with murder.

When he finds out that Rose intentionally shattered Pink diamond, he is devastated, confused, and very angry. All idolized thoughts of his mother are altered because he just found out that his own parent committed cold-blooded murder.

The cluster, though some may argue was anti-climactic, showed that some problems can’t be perfectly fixed but a satisfactory solution can still be found. The cluster is happy and safe even though their gems aren’t fully repaired. Giving them a permanent solution based on this new info ruins this idea.

Another thing about this is the Diamonds are the only ones who have seemingly shattered a gem. That is equal to executing someone. Sapphire saved Ruby because Blue Diamond ordered her to be killed. Now I know that Garnet has no faith in the Diamonds and probably doesn’t even know about their ability to bring back the dead, but what about Pearl? Whether or not she thought they could reason with the Diamonds down the line, they still could’ve bubbled the shards in case. Why is she so traumatized if she knows Rose has a way to bring them back? It just doesn’t add up.

Every single major threat was always linked to shattering. Anytime a character thought of a worst-case scenario, they said they’ll be shattered.

“But not everyone has command over all the armies on Homeworld waiting for the word to shatter me!”

“And now, here we are, our friends shattered and corrupted.”

“Shattering a gem would destroy them forever...”

“What happens if they find you? - We’ll be... shattered.”

“I knew those Homeworld elites were twisted. How many of us did they shatter?”

“And if a gem is shattered they’ll cease to be.” - Classroom Gems

“She was shattered by rose quartz. The entire cut of gem deserves the same fate. They should be wiped out of existence not kept safe in bubbles.”

Now I know some people are going to argue that these threats are still valid. You need all the pieces to restore a shattered gem and you need tears of utter grief and despair. Something that can only be accomplished by a personal death. Steven’s tears don’t work like his spit. He can’t just cry and fix things instantly. He has to be completely broken and distraught first, just like with Lars. Therefore, the shattered gems from the war could not be saved. Okay fair, but that brings me to my second problem.

STEVEN KILLED SOMEBODY!

This isn’t like with Lars where it was an accidental death. He flat out killed Jasper. She was pinned, he saw she couldn’t fight back, and he attacked without a second thought. That’s manslaughter at its best and murder at its worst. Whether or not he thought she could get hurt, even if he was absolutely guilt-ridden and devastated afterward, he still killed a person. Of course, he feels bad! He’s a human being. Making him have no remorse would just make him a straight-up psychopath. What Steven did is an awful, awful thing and it should not be excused.

I truly wish they did not resort to him directly killing her. It would have been just as powerful and detrimental to his self-esteem if he shattered her because of fear, self-defense, or even if he created a catalyst of events that ended up doing it. But him committing such a heinous act out of pure rage (even if he was goaded into it) makes him too antagonistic.

By having him resurrect Jasper, it shows that actions like this can be fixed with no consequences. And that is just not true. Even if you don’t kill them, even if you only severely hurt someone, the damage is done, that relationship is over, and the weight it has on your conscience is gut-wrenching. Steven feels terrible, brings her back, and now he doesn’t have to deal with the lasting repercussions. He can just chalk it up to the fact “But I made everything better so it’s no big deal” and that’s clearly shown in the new promo.

“I help people. I DoN’t HuRt ThEm.”

He denies ever even doing it. Whether or not, Steven bringing back a shattered gem makes sense in canon, it is a total misdirect writing-wise. You can’t have your main character kill someone on-screen and then act like nothing ever happened. You just can’t.

I’m afraid that at this one moment, I can no longer side with Steven. I still love him and desperately hope he gets help. But it is going to take a lot of effort to make me sympathize with his character after this.

Feel free to share your thoughts and opinions. I am very interested to see how others perceive this scene.

[kinosternon]

State of the turtle

Hey!

So it may go without saying, but I haven't been around very much since November/December. There's a few reasons for this, the major practical ones being that I'm doing grad school and also moved and, y'know, the world existing as it is at the moment. But a big part of it was also that I got really burnt out and have been struggling to figure out how to go about fixing that.

Details below (nothing too intense, but some mental health talk comes up). TL;DR, I'm quiet but still around <3

The experience of writing CSCG was fantastic, but it was A Lot. I was staying up late a few nights a week, almost every week, just finishing chapters—on top of work, school, another side project or two, and general life stuff. I can't say I fully regret doing things the way that I did them, because without weekly deadlines it probably would've taken me years to finish, if I managed it at all. It was a whole huge rush, and that left it sloppy in places, but it also added a lot of energy to the process. I think it had a good effect on the story's tone as well, in a way that would've been hard to maintain otherwise. (If anyone here followed me because of my Undertale longfic, that's what happened there. I have not given up on it yet, but I'm not quite ready to get back to it yet, either.)

I just made sure I posted Every Week No Matter What, because I was scared of stopping if I slowed down, and because there didn't seem to be any real consequences to pushing myself that way, and because I figured that stretching yourself to the limit is how you grow.*

But when CSCG ended, I hit upon a few problems all at once. I'd pushed myself to the very edge on writing, right before throwing myself into another huge writing event, NaNoWriMo. I'd been doing it for so long that I didn't really want to skip it, and stopping cold turkey after writing (what ended up being) 6k-10k a week, almost every week, would've probably messed with me too, like an athlete who just suddenly stops training altogether. I had fun, even if most of the words I produced were pretty much unusable.

I'd also pushed...honestly well beyond anything I thought I was ready to accomplish in my writing by actually posting and finishing a longform story. At the outset, I hadn't expected anything but relief and/or pride at the end. That...wasn't what happened. There was definitely relief, and a whole ton of gratitude, and some pride in the abstract, but mostly I just felt exhausted. And annoyed with myself for not feeling happier about it, because the joy about reviews was part of what helped keep me going through writing, and yet something about finishing the story cut off a lot of my positive feelings related to that.

It also hurt a bit because I'd thought of myself (in part) as a person who was unsatisfied with myself because I couldn't finish stories. When it turned out I could, it meant that the uncomfortable feelings that came along about my writing couldn't be blamed on the fact that I'd left something unfinished.

But I think the worst part of finishing the story was how hard those final chapters were—not because of plot considerations (though tying off loose ends was definitely a challenge at times!), but because of how hard the emotional notes were to hit. I spent a year—a really rough year, that I'd known going into it would be rough but that quickly got more worse than I could've imagined at the outset—writing an angsty story about exhaustion, breakdown, and recovery. And then, when I hit the happy ending, I was still far away from any happy ending to the challenges I'd been facing in my own life, and I realized it was hard to write the characters being happy.

I felt terrible about that. I still do, to be honest. These were characters who spoke to my soul, who I fond points of resonance in closer than just about any other form of media that I'd ever experienced. And yet, after literal hundreds of thousands of words explaining their dynamic and finding ways to repair it, I could barely find it in me to write their happy ending. I could barely believe in it long enough to write it, much less imagine what might come after.

I know that plot comes from characters facing challenges, which usually involves a certain amount of distress, but not being able to find the emotion of peace of happiness for them still really distressed me. And I hit the end of the story while still feeling that guilt, and still feeling the pressure to find more within me, to write happy sequels to keep balancing out the trouble I'd put the characters through. And I hadn't even begun to account for the grief that comes up when a story ends, which a post I saw today describes very well.

Basically, I hit some huge walls in the writing process, and blasted through them through sheer force of will. I'd been living that way in general for a year or two even before the pandemic hit, weathering every setback that came my way. The commitments I'd made only slowed down a little when lockdowns started, and some of their consequencess all came together in some nasty combinations a few different times over the ensuing months, which led to me finding out what starts to happen after I push past enough limits, which is: Not Very Good things, mainly of the depression variety.

And so I've spent the last few months (from mid-November on, really) trying to figure out how to deal with said Not-Very-Good-ness. I've persevered through a combination of stubbornness, inertia, and just sheer ignorance of other options, but putting things up on the Internet is one of the hardest things for me to do confidence-wise, so that was one of the first things to go. I'm making progress, but I'm still as intimidated by the idea of putting myself out there as ever.

I've made some changes to my living situation, and gotten therapy and medication, and all of those things have helped a lot. Unfortunately, because of my studies, writing can't be a top priority for me this year, and it probably won't be next year, either. I haven't even had it in me to write many rough drafts lately, which I'm trying to think of a fallow period rather than letting it discourage me too badly. Still, I'd like to find ways to talk with people online more. You're very nice and I'm very happy to get to meet you!

As I figure things out, there will probably be times I'll just vanish for a month or two (or several or more, honestly). But I'm still around; I just withdraw into my shell to rest every once in a while.

* What these past few years have taught me is: yes, pushing yourself can be great for you in small doses! But it's important to do it while valuing your safety, treating yourself and your efforts as kindly as possible, and prioritizing getting plenty of rest afterward. I do okay at parts of that, but I still have (ironically) a lot of work to do on the rest.

[thetrueghostqueen]

A Fake Not So Fake Marriage - Chapter 29

Masterlist cover chapter one  chapter two ??? chapter four  chapter five chapter six chapter seven chapter eight chapter nine chapter ten chapter eleven chapter twelve 5 chapter fourteen chapter 15 chapter 16 chapter 17 chapter 18 Chapter 19 chapter 20 chapter 21 chapter 22 chapter 23 chapter 24 chapter 25 chapter 26 chapter 27 chapter 28

“I thought it was you that didn’t sign the papers?”  

Taehyung glared at his brother for interrupting his conversation. “What was the point in me signing the papers? She didn’t sign them and no one had a clue where she was. Whether I signed them or not we’d still be stuck in this situation.” He turned his glare back to Ji-ya. “I’d still have an absentee wife. I’d still be stuck. Not knowing what to do, not able to move forward.” 

Ji-ya stood at her counter trying to digest what Taehyung just stated to his brother. He hasn’t moved on? There’s no one new in his life? She didn’t realize she spoke out loud until he answered. 

“Of fucking course not! I am not a cheater.” 

“Tha-that’s not what I meant. I just figured after all this time-” She drifted off not completing her thought. 

“Figured what? That I’m not an honorable man? That I don’t take my commitments and promises seriously? What is it that you figured about me?” He spat angrily. 

Ji-ya stood straight. The anxiety and nervousness of the situation disappearing as the emotion of anger finally started taking over. “I’m not questioning your integrity or whatever. I’m just saying that since everything was fake to begin with. Since there were no emotions on either side that you would have moved on with your life. I apologize for not doing my part in signing the papers before sending them to you. I will have that rectified as soon as I get back home. I’m sorry that you had to be in limbo.” 

“Have you moved on?” Jaebum asked. 

Ji-ya glanced past Taehyung to look at Jaebum. Slowly she nodded her head. “O-of course.” She paused to clear her nerves before speaking again. She wanted to be convincing. She didn’t want them to know how completely pathetic she was. “I wouldn’t call it moving on. I’d call it just living my life. The life that I chose for myself.” 

“So, you’ve had relationships since you’ve been gone?” Yoongi asked. 

Ji-ya nodded. Lies. “One or two.” Pathetic liar. “I’m actually in one now. I think it’s getting serious.” You are such a hopeless liar. “That’s why I need to get this mess rectified now that I know. I can’t exactly... you know?” She trailed off. 

She didn’t feel the need to continue as Taehyung stood and walked out. Her eyes lowered to the floor as she felt the glares of Namjoon, Yoongi, and Hoseok. It was only seconds later that the three of them followed suit after Taehyung.  

She felt absolutely horrible for the lies she told. But, she accomplished what she wanted right? She wanted them to be gone. She didn’t want to be their princess anymore. So, why was the guilt so excruciating?  

“Was lying worth it?” Jaebum asked as he made his way to the kitchen island where she was standing. 

“What?” 

“You heard me. I don’t need to repeat myself, Ji.” 

“Why do you think I’m lying?” 

“Because I’ve known you for years. Relationships aren’t something you do. You’ve been in love with the same person since you were in the first grade. You may have never opened up much about your life with Bangtan to seven, but you must of forgotten that we raised you. The first time that we ever really saw you smile was when Bangtan made an appearance back in your life. Even if it was for a very limited time, you came alive. I saw the longing stares you would give Taehyung when you thought that no one was watching. So, yes, I say lying because I can’t see three years changing you. I mean hell seven years didn’t change anything.” 

Ji-ya stared at her brother in law. She didn’t know what to say to counter his argument. He wasn’t wrong. All she could do was shake her head. She stepped around her brother in law to take a seat on the couch. 

“So, what’s the real reason that you stayed away from them? From all of us?” 

Ji-ya remained silent for moments. Did she really want to reveal the reason for her remaining lost? She felt justified in her reasoning, but did she want to show the chinks in her armor? “Rejection.” 

Jaebum furrowed his brows in confusion. “What? Don’t feed me the same line you fed Bangtan.” 

Ji-ya sighed. “I know it sounds stupid, but my biggest reason for staying gone was rejection. I slept with Tae and the next morning he walked out of the room without a word. It broke me. At first I fled the house and stayed at a hotel. All I did was cry. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. My mind was filled with every negative thing that the Min’s said to me. All I could hear was their voices telling me that I was worthless and not good enough. Day four or maybe five the Choi’s called and reminded me of their offer. I was in a really bad place. Focusing on the Choi’s offer was the only thing that silenced the voices. So, I flew to Seoul. I met with lawyers. Had meetings with all of Min Corps investors. Set a plan in motion. I was in frequent contact with the Choi’s. With Youngjae. It was Jae who told me that I should contact Bangtan in some way.  

To be honest, at the time it didn’t occur to me that I would leave them and disappear. That I would leave any of you. Focusing on Min Corp pushed everything else to the back of my mind. It wasn’t until after I accomplished what I had set out to do that everything came flooding back in. Tae’s rejection was at the forefront of my thoughts, but as it sunk in that I left all of you with no explanations fear of all of you rejecting me too took hold. Before you tell me how stupid that sounds please trust I know. The small logical part of my brain tried to tell me that none of you would reject me. Be upset yes, but you wouldn’t reject me. The stronger part though, the emotional part that clenched my heart in fear said otherwise. I listened to the fear. I went to a lawyer and had the deeds for the houses and Min Corp drafted up for a transfer of ownership. I had the bank draft the checks that were issued to each of you. The divorce papers drawn up for Taehyung. I came back to Hawaii with all of the envelopes. I met with the Choi’s and asked them to meet with you as my proxy. I tried to do it myself, but the fear was too much. So, I fled. 

I flew back to Seoul and hired renovators to fix and change Min Manor for Bangtan. Figuring that it was the least that I could do for what I put them through, for everything they did for me. After, I spent time modeling. I hoped that it would keep my mind off of everything and everyone that I gave up. I traveled to all of the countries and cities that held Min Corp properties and sold them all. No matter how busy I tried to keep myself though, I could never stay busy enough to keep my mind from thinking and wandering. I kept a watch of all of you from a distance. I knew that Jinyoung hired people to find me. That he himself searched for me. He almost caught me once, but Jae warned me so that I could get out of Prague before I had to face him. I was there for every award and accolade that Bangtan got. Always in the shadows, but I was there.” 

“Youngjae knew where you were?” Jaebum asked bitterly. 

Ji-ya nodded. “Jae and Soo-yeon. Jae, because I kept in contact with the Choi’s. We are business partners of sorts. Soo, because she spotted me at a café in Seoul and cornered me.” 

Jaebum bit his lip. He silently counted numbers in his head to calm himself down. He was furious learning that Younjae knew her whereabouts all this time. Three years and not once did he tell them anything. Not even something as simple as a, “she’s okay.” No, now was not the time to fume about that. He’d confront Youngjae at a later date. “So, now that you’ve been found what are you going to do? Are you going to disappear again?” 

Ji-ya picked at the throw blanket on the couch as she tried to come up with an answer. A huge part of her wanted to continue on the path that she chose. Find a small place somewhere, settle down, and leave her past behind her. A smaller part knew that, that was no longer an option. At least not yet. Right now she had to clean up all the messes that she made. She had to contact her lawyer and get new divorce papers filed. She needed to set Taehyung free from being tied to her. She didn’t know if there was anything that she could do to repair the damage with Bangtan. Or Seven. But, she would fix what she could and this time when she left it would be done the right way. She’d say goodbye to their faces and then settle somewhere far away. “No, at least not right away. I am going to do things right this time.”