#castiel is like gay jesus in a way

[gracerings]

we might not have got a destiel kiss but now every time a fictional guy that people gay-imprint on gets to gay kiss someone on tv, destiel and supernatural trend on tumblr in a tribute to those who paved the way. and so the cycle repeats and castiel’s final words live on.. maybe happiness isn’t in the having after all

[never-forget-viva-la-pluto]

To the SPN fans that are hating on good omens rn bc of the leak, I hope you choke. I've seen some really nasty shit today from some of my (now unfollowed) followers whom I followed for spn content. So let's make one thing clear from actual posts ive seen today:

-Saying that the "wrong angels kissed", is...homophobic. I was with destiel from beginning to end and yeah we were completely shafted, but it's not okay to then say that other gay couples in media aren't allowed to kiss just because they aren't the ones you thought were hot. Jesus christ didn't think I needed to write that one down for ya-bo burnham

-I saw so much fatphobia about how Castiel deserved a kiss more than Aziraphel bc "he has far more sex appeal." Wtf wtf wtf. How do you live with yourselves saying that shit?You can pry Micheal Sheens body type Aziraphel out of my cold dead hands, you CW brainwashed morons!

-hate against the author for some reason, no one is willing to give specifics about it, but I think the majority of them maintain that GO is not good rep because they didn't kiss and now they are claiming pandering or something? Honestly that guy has only ever stood with the writers guild and queer people his whole career from what I find so I don't think it's fair whatever hate they are spouting. He isnt even saying he is upset with fans that saw or shared the video. Hes being super nice about it!

-I will say, non of us SPN fans have a fucking leg to stand on when it comes to hating something bc of the authors, OK. I saw someone saying the writing for spn was better and I can say you did not watch the show. I loved spn but don't do the late Terry Pratchett like this. He did nothing wrong

-on that same ish strain, as an ace person who thrives off queerplatonic relationships in media, maybe they kiss, I dunno. I just have to wait until the season comes out. Not 1 SPN fan gets to bitch about GO asexualty rep when SPN never even tried that route with any of its characters. But also ace characters are allowed to kiss, so you can write them that way of you want and interpret them that way if you want still. This is your viewing experience.

-this leak is truly not the same as the SPN yo a ti leak, solely bc the episode hasn't aired yet. "None of you GO fans would have survived the yo a ti leak." No I think you wouldn't bc the spn leak was clinging to an already mangled straw, while the angel's in GO are queer already. Queer queer queer and no amount of kissing or lack thereof is going to change that. We have no idea what happens in that episode of GO, but we saw the creators butcher the only moment in the show that could have meant anything real for queer viewers in SPN.

-"SPN crowly was kissing dudes first so this one is not that impressive". I see two cakes. One was made with the intent to make gay people look evil, but over time got kinda funny and a little better bc gay people liked it, and the other was about telling an interesting story about how love is so important, especially at the end of the world, and gay people liked that one too! So for me it's YaY two cakes!

-again the anti aziraphel is so plainly just fatphobia. You have no excuses. Sorry you don't think someone who looks like a slightly chubby micheal sheen could ever get kissed by someone who looks like David tennant, but you are not only wrong, you are also childish.

OK I'm done. Go watch good omens s2 when it comes out for my fucking sanity please. Or don't if all you are going to do is try to rip it apart like you do to all media that tries to be better.

[turtleraccoonsoup]

hey guys do you wanna have a flash fic of dean doing the Gay Crisis Tango?

of course you do have some destiel highschool au where Dean sees Cas and cannot cope

Italicized stuff is flashbacks, sorry if theirs eyestrain!!

------------------------------------------------------

Dean sat on his bed, starting at a wall across from him. It was his first day of school in this new shitty town and he was already starting to hate it.

The teachers were annoying, the classes were hard, and he was learning things he wasn't ready to know about himself.

"And this is our new student Dane Winchester!"

"Its Dean." Dean corrected, not in the mood to deal with annoying teachers.

"Right, Dean. Sorry." The teacher corrected himself.

Dean grabbed his hair and let himself give into gravity, falling onto his bed in the motel room he'd be staying in with Sam for supposedly only two weeks, but he knows his dad isn't good about that stuff.

"Alrighty Dane, you'll be over there with Mr. Novak."

"Its Dean." He insisted as he walked over to the desk the teacher, whos name he hadn't bothered learning, had gestured to and sat down.

It wasn't their first time staying in a town so small that the middle, elementary, and high school were all in the same building, having to share desks and only moving from class to class maybe three times a day, one of those being to go to lunch, but, this was definitely the most interesting iteration.

He sat down and looked over at his new desk mate for hopefully only two weeks, and immediately took back that last notion.

The man next to him, Novak, was it? Was... hot. Beautiful in ways Dean hadn't seen in anyone before. Messy brown hair stuck up in every direction, a grim look to his already stubbled face. Bright blue eyes, so blue they pierced Deans heart, lay heavy-set into his skull. Chapped, large pink lips that made Deans mind wander.

Dean immediately looked away, his face growing red and his heart pounding.

'What the fuck?' Dean thought to himself.

'No, no no no no no no no. I am NOT gay. I like women! I've had girlfriends! I am NOT into a guy ive never talked to.'

Dean laid now, after a long, tiring day of seeing that handsome guy he now knew as Castiel roam from class to class and going across rooms and sitting and- Dean had been watching him all day.

Walking back to the motel from school Sam had brought up his staring, as he was now also in highschool and noticed his brothers odd behavior.

Dean new better than to push his brother away and decided to open up.

"I think I might be bi."

Dean had always been aware of being gay and bi and such but his dad had made him think that things like that were just as unnatural as the monsters he hunted.

Sam, of course, immediately told him he was cool with it and asked him why he'd decided to tell him now.

Dean had told him the truth.

And now he's here. Wondering what the fuck changed to make him suddenly bi.

He thought back all the way to his first memories, as far as he could go. In his digging, he remembered the fourth grade, where his dad told him liking men as a man was as wrong as sucking blood. Why had his dad said that?

Then, it clicked.

He'd told his dad he had a crush on a boy in his class. He remembered now. How his dad had freaked out and beat him. Kicked him out of the house for a night. He couldn't believe he could forget something like that.

"Uh, hi?" Dean had said to the man next to him.

"hello." Jesus, even his voice was hot. Rough and deep with a twinge of sincerity.

"Fuck."

[watchingspnagain]

Rewatching Death Takes a Holiday

Welcome to “All This Ep Needs Is Cas and a Pottery Wheel: A Supernatural Rewatch Blog” with Lor and Mace!

Up today, s4e15: Death Takes a Holiday

Bobby alerts the boys to a town where no one has died for weeks—even those who definitely should have, like a man who was shot point-blank in the chest. Upon investigation, they find the last person to die in the town, a teenager named Cole, who reports that when he died a Reaper appeared but was then taken away by black smoke. With help from Pam, Sam and Dean enter the spirit world, where they discover that Alastair is kidnapping reapers because killing Reapers is one of the seals. They are able to stop Alastair from breaking the seal, but Pam is killed by a demon before they can help her. After the boys stop Alaister, he confronts Dean alone and tells Dean that he cannot escape him. Castiel appears, zapping Alastair away, and congratulates Dean on stopping the seal from breaking before revealing that it was not Bobby who called them about the town, but him. Dean askes Cas why they can’t make more exceptions about who has to die—after all, Cas saved him from hell. Dean is unimpressed by Cas’s answer that Dean is different.

Below is a log of our real-time reactions as we watched. Remember that there may be spoilers for any part of SPN’s 15-season run here. Note also that the nature of our conversation is adult and thus it may contain adult language and themes.

 [and we begin:]

Mace:

ugh alastair. he’s so gross

   Lor:

nothing stays dead in Supernatural

   Mace:

snork

except women

   Lor:

except extras in the cold open, so something's hinky

HA

   Mace:

and sometimes gays

   Lor:

stupid show

   Mace:

the worst

no, you’re a donut, you donut

   Lor:

RIGHT?

who uses donut that way? (I love you, Dean)

   Mace:

Ha!

   Lor:

aw, fraught brothers

   Mace:

oh Jesus, Dean, stop being a drama queen and get in the car

   Lor:

LOL

   Mace:

Iiii, don’t remember this ep at all (so far at least)

   Lor:

I have the vaguest recollection but I don't know where they are going at all

   Mace:

ooooh CAS REFERENCE (sort of)

   Lor:

CAAAAAAAAS

I mean, Dean was literally just pulled out of hell by an angel, guys

I mean, I have seen this show before, so I know it's not miracles, but THEY HAVEN'T

   Mace:

Ha! Yeah, but that wasn’t really a miracle for miracle’s sake.

   Lor:

no it was for eyefucking's sake

   Mace:

SNORK

god, Dean, stop being such a grump

   Lor:

is Dean wearing gloves? immediately starts crocheting him mittens

   Mace:

“the normal rules don’t really apply to us” listen to your brother, Dean, he’s smort

snork

   Lor:

EXCUSE ME. he's Jim the Mechanic

"I don't have a good answer"

   Mace:

HA

   Lor:

dammit Dean now I want something fried

   Mace:

HAHAHAHA EW

omg Sam that’s so hot

   Lor:

blood freak!Sam is hot

   Mace:

HAHAHAHAHAHA

   Lor:

HAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

   Mace:

stay in your lane, Lor

   Lor:

LOL

apologies

   Mace:

“no thanks, House"

   Lor:

brings Dean an ibuprofren and snuggles him

Sam you LIAR

   Mace:

oh sam, your pants are on fire

   Lor:

just because you look so good in that hoodie

   Mace:

exactly

   Lor:

aaaaah, breaking seals

right. that's what this season is about

I always forget that we go through a whole season of this before the apocalypse stuff

   Mace:

roger that. i’d forgotten too

right?!

SAM nice word choice

   Lor:

hahaha the boys' facial expressions

   Mace:

YES

ah, Outsiders reference

   Lor:

oh shut up Pam it's been like twice. just because you lost your eyes sheesh

NICE

   Mace:

god, Dean, eat a piece of cheese

   Lor:

LOL

aww lookitem all lying down

   Mace:

oh, this doesn’t end well for her does it?

   Lor:

I don't remember

I think no

I think she gets horrible dead

   Mace:

yeah

   Lor:

DEAN WINCHESTER

   Mace:

is it weird that they’re even hotter dead

   Lor:

no?

   Mace:

BACK OFF, HAG

   Lor:

GOD SAM IS HOT IN THIS ONE

   Mace:

RIGHT?!?!

“get out of me” HAHAHAHA

   Lor:

LOLOL

   Mace:

DEAN WINCHESTER NO

   Lor:

I love that Dean is like "what can I poke as a ghost"

   Mace:

YES

   Lor:

"thanks, Haley Joel" haaaaahahahaha

   Mace:

snork

   Lor:

and the face Dean makes

   Mace:

YES

   Lor:

wait Dean doesn't remember Tessa?

   Mace:

yeah, why doesn’t he remember that

   Lor:

huh

   Mace:

weird

   Lor:

I'm gonna assume that was just an expediency to remind the audience

   Mace:

yeah

sloppy, though

   Lor:

yeah

   Mace:

mmm the high freckle count makes up for it

   Lor:

YES

nrrrrrf the HOODIE

   Mace:

YES

   Lor:

Sam what are you doing

   Mace:

oh Sam are you lying to a kid?!

   Lor:

all the supernatural creatures want Dean. Reapers, Angels, God, the Darkness

   Mace:

yeah

   Lor:

oh Dean

   Mace:

omg the looks they give the kid when he doesn’t know Karate Kid

   Lor:

and now Dean has to pause the hunt to sit down and watch Karate Kid with Cole

YES

   Mace:

omg Sam’s laugh

   Lor:

YES

"you gotta teach us that"

   Mace:

HAHAHA he’s the only kid in the room right there

   Lor:

YES

   Mace:

ewewewew

so gross

   Lor:

did they forget that ghosts have weaknesses?

ooof this particular Alastair is SO creepy

   Mace:

hence my ews

   Lor:

yeah

   Mace:

arctic craphole hahahaha

   Lor:

lol

SHE DIDN'T ALREADY HAVE THE DOOR LOCKED?!

   Mace:

right?!

   Lor:

she's blind and sitting in a room with two dead bodies what the hell?

   Mace:

tsk

you can SEE Dean thinking fast

   Lor:

YES

   Mace:

don’t shit your pants, boys

   Lor:

LOL

you're not wearing a skirt, Pam

   Mace:

Koons, give her her common wordplay

   Lor:

grumbles

OMG LOOKIT HIM

   Mace:

YAS

so young

   Lor:

RIGHT?

and so rumbly voiced

and sex-haired

   Mace:

HAHAHA

   Lor:

"whatever I ask, you seem to do the exact opposite"

   Mace:

“you seem to do the exact opposite”

HAHAHA

   Lor:

get used to that Cas, that's just Dean

you'll love it eventually

   Mace:

yep

as a parent, this hurts me

   Lor:

yeah

"we're all scared"

   Mace:

“sooner than you think” FUCK YOU 987439282

   Lor:

RIGHT?!

omg their faces

   Mace:

right?

   Lor:

and Dean trying to tell her she's going somewhere better after that speech Tessa just gave him

   Mace:

yeah

I don’t really get why they’d write that for him

   Lor:

yeah, it seems like he's holding onto the idea of a better place way harder than I'd expect him to

   Mace:

yeah, it doesn't track

he’s too pessimistic, and he knows she’s too smart to believe him

   Lor:

yeah

   Mace:

and he’s generally not insincere

   Lor:

nope

   Mace:

overall, pretty sloppy writing in that one

   Lor:

both of the boys lied to dying/dead people in this ep, and they both feel a little ooc

[deanstudies101]

4x12, Criss Angel is a Douchebag

Critical theory: Queer readings: homoeroticism and homophobia. Life expectancy and expectations of life. 

Key quotes: Dean, “Man… I hope I die before I get old. Whole thing seems brutal, don’t it?”; Dean, “Sammy, it ends bloody or sad. That’s just the life.”

Further reading: 

The Chief is the first LGBT character to not die within the episode (@lorebooks)

Discussion: 

Sad old people really get Kai. Iga questions the “brother” friendship. I think they’re a great salmondean parallel. 

The thing is the ending really reads as; if Sam does the ‘“‘“‘right thing’”’”’, the world suffers. Sam reads it as “I don’t want to be old and sad.” 

Kai and Iga really read Jay and Charles as gay, specifically as a couple or as pining for each other—argument is they knew about the Chief. [Controversially I disagree. Maybe they’re gay, but they’re not a couple or into each other. They’re Sam and Dean, no? Doing horrific things to save each other. “You know, Charlie was like my brother. And now he’s dead… because I did “the right thing.”"] They’re describing them as unlike Sam and Dean because they’re on a level playing field, there’s no caregiver vibes. [I strongly disagree. There is no level playing field—Charlie has been lying to Jay, hiding this power, their entire lives. There are brotherly, specifically caregiver vibes, Charlie took him in, saved his life, protected him.] [There the suicidal ideation also btw.] 

Their arguments are gentleness, deep sentimentality..? Like, that is there, but? They’re arguing that there’s not much male intimacy like this in Supernatural, as in we don’t see male friendships like this, hence why they’re reading it this way. [This is truly baffling to me ngl. The critical reading may have been misleading.]

Dean clearly stayed and fucked the Chief. They left it ambiguous but like… where was he? [Again controversially I disagree but I do support this if it had been the case.] 

Re: further reading. Jesus christ. [And technically that’s not true. Because thee gay angel Castiel didn’t die in his first episode.] But it’s crazy that the Chief is canonised and then doesn’t die. [Not to continue being controversial but like technically speaking we don’t know that the Chief is queer that is his job.] 

Re: life expectancy. [Dean said he doesn’t want to be old, and doesn’t expect to be.] He’s been suicidal for so long it’s not surprising that he can’t conceive of getting old, and it’s so tragic that he never really gets to move past that… because he doesn’t get to be old. 

Kai, “it feels like Dean manifested his own death.” [Elaborate on that.] Dean spent his whole life saying he’s going to die young and bloody. Sam wants to live a “normal life.” That’s what happens. The writers just did that. Jay started the episode sad and old, and ended the episode sad, old, and alone. Angry. [You’ve heard me talk/cry about this a lot. Dean was suicidal pretty much his whole life. Finally wanted to live. And they killed him. In exactly the kinda way he thought he would die. And I stand by the fact that his death was avoidable, he was lucid for 10 minutes.] Iga, there’s no arc there. There’s build up and build up but then… “It’s written from the start.” [Correct.][Everybody is doomed / You’ve been dead since the beginning. @heavensickness @araekniarchive @readandwritesilver] [and also “The only hope you have is to accept the fact that you're already dead.  The sooner you accept that, the sooner you'll be able to function as a  soldier is supposed to function … all war depends upon it.”] Kai, the writers said oh, you don’t have hope? Good, because there is none. 

Iga, is Dean nephilim? [Why do you ask that?] Because Sam has demon blood, so for balance it kind of makes sense that Dean would be some kind of angel/human. Depending on the lore, nephilim are often quite chaotic, which feels like Dean (but could just be being in love with Dean.) [That makes sense. The balance thing makes a lot of sense.] The angels have a mission for him, the demons have a mission for Sam etc. Iga is excited for nephilim to feature, they’re always done interestingly. [I’m excited too.] 

Notes: Kai, “Dean ends up as nephilim because of the amount of grace that ends up inside him.” [Disgusting.] 

[lilnasxvevo]

If I had been in charge of the major plot points on Supernatural I may or may not have eventually done endgame Destiel but what I WOULD definitely have done is include an arc where Castiel betrays Dean with a kiss like Judas and Jesus just to watch the fans go apeshit online

(and Dean is reeling from the betrayal in Gay Baby Jail or wherever for several episodes and then an agonizing number of episodes later Cas comes to bust him out and it’s revealed that Cas was forced to keep such and such secret from him and that actually “betraying” him was the only way he could have kept him safe under these very specific circumstances. And Dean smiles and says “I knew it!” even though he totally didn’t.)

[useless-fanfictions]

You Better Believe It PART THREE | Destiel Soulmates AU

Pairing: Dean Winchester/Castiel Fandom: Supernatural (2005) Rating: Teens+ Tags: Crack fic, caring Dean, fear of heights, 8305 words | 4/4 chapters | completed Ao3 Link

Summary: The one where Dean doesn't believe in psychics or soulmates. Until he most certainly does.

Part One | Part Two

Dean barely felt the cart shift and the wind rush past them as they descended. His hand on Castiel’s neck moved to the back of his head, fingers scraping at the short hair he found there.

And there it was, like a very small lightning bolt, shooting through the both of them. Jesus, Dean thought, just like in the stories. He like it, the warmth that followed afterward was amazing.

Their lips didn’t part but moved in sync. Dean pulled Castiel’s bottom lip in between his own and sucked, nibbled, and licked. Castiel pulled him closer, he pushed his mouth harder into Dean’s. This was a wonderful distraction, this was something Dean knew how to do.

“Shit,” Dean said, his voice a little muffled.

It was like his mind finally caught up with his actions, the hand in Castiel’s hair moved to his chest and he started madly shoving the other boy away. He swallowed a few times, his hand coming up the wipe his mouth. Why had he done that? There was something there, besides just it being a distraction, because a simple kiss has never made him feel like that. 

He refused to look at Castiel - who was once again sitting on the opposite side of the car - and because there was nowhere else to look that would freak him out, he kept his eyes close.

“Dean,” Castiel said.

“No,” Dean immediately shut him down. “We can pretend that never happened. I am not gay, and I don’t want to hear what you have to say.” Dean hadn’t meant for that to sound so cold, he was just scared and confused, and his lips still tingled from the feeling his Castiel’s lips pressed against his own and he wanted to feel it again.

Dean missed Castiel’s hurt look.

Dean didn’t care. He didn’t care about Castiel, and how well his lips fit against his. The warmth that was buzzing throughout his body not even ten seconds ago. He just didn’t care.

Dean really tried to believe the lie.

The tension between them didn’t fade or waver. The rest of the way down the Ferris wheel was the longest three minutes of Dean’s life. He tried to ignore everything around him, the height, the wind rushing in his ear, Castiel’s eyes boring into him like needles. His lips still tingled with the ghost feeling of Castiel’s.

“I’ll play your game and say it never happened,” Castiel said, Dean still didn’t move. “But I won’t pretend I didn’t feel that…spark… between us. Whether you want to admit it or not, that psychic knew what she was talking about.”

“Stop,” Dean groaned. It made him hate himself more, why did he let it happen?

“Fine.” Castiel snapped.

Sam’s cart stopped at the bottom, they all piled out. The ground was only ten or so feet away. Almost there, Dean wanted to laugh or cry. He hated this sick-to-your-stomach feeling. He wanted to be alone, he wanted to be far away as possible to the boy trapped next to him.  

“We aren’t moving,” Castiel muttered.

Dean opened his eyes, and the first thing he saw was Castiel’s face. His pale skin, small mouth, and blue eyes. His really, really blue eyes. He looked away when Cas met his eyes.

“Attention, attention.” The speaker in the middle of the wheel sounded. Dean saw a guy next to the control panel hold up an old-looking microphone. Dean and Castiel gave the man their full attention. “I am not pleased to say we are experiencing some technical difficulties and are calling an expert over now. You are in no such danger, remain calm. And sorry for your inconvenience. Any and all money will be refunded.”

Dean wondered right then, why the universe suddenly hated him so much.

“So we’re stuck for now? Is that what he’s saying?” Dean threw his hands in the air. Anger started to seep in now, he wasn’t sure why; he wasn’t mad at Castiel. Dean had been the one to kiss him, so why did it matter?

He wasn’t expecting Castiel to answer, but he did anyway, “Unfortunately.”

“Dean! Cas!” Dean jumped up and looked over the side. Sam, Kevin, Charlie, Jessica, and Gabriel were standing below them.

“Hey, Sammy!” It felt like it was the first time in forever since he smiled.

“What are you guys gonna do?” Gabriel asked. Dean felt Castiel shrug, their shoulders were touching.

“Just hang here, I guess,” Dean said evenly. With them sitting on one side the cart tipped with their combined weight. Dean’s pulse quickened and he ducked back inside the cart. The walls were tall enough so that if he hunched down, he could see anything but the rest of the Ferris wheel and the cart above them. They weren’t that high up anymore.

Neither of them wanted to just “hang here.” Dean wanted to put as much distance as possible between him and Castiel. He didn’t know the feeling was mutual. The air between them was thick with tension as Castiel sat back and the cart rocked.

Being so close to the ground, Dean was not as affected by the cart rocking back and forth. Sam and his friends decided to not to wait for his brother to get down - Dean told him to go anyway. Dean wants Sam to enjoy the rest of his birthday, even if that meant Dean was gonna have to go through this hell with Castiel. The day was almost over, they had maybe an hour and a half left before they had to go, Dean just hoped he’d be off this thing before that time was up.

The first five minutes were spent in silence. Time seemed altogether different like it just crawled by. The cart above them was full of teenage girls, Dean could tell by the way they all giggled from time to time.

“We don’t have to ignore each other,” Castiel muttered.

“What do we have to talk about?” Dean snapped. They fell into another silence that seemed to last forever. Dean tried to swallow his anger.

Dean sighed rather loudly, Castiel threw a glare over at him. Then Dean began to tap on the side of the metal cart that they were trapped in.

“Seriously? Stop it,” Castiel barked.

“What’s your problem?” Dean asked. This silence was slowly killing him, so he thought a casual conversation wouldn’t hurt. If you could even hold a casual conversation in their situation.

“You are, Dean.”

“How am I the problem? You are the one that’s been following me around all day! Trying to get me to what? Fall in love with you? Because some old hag said so?” Dean tried not to yell too loud, he didn’t want anybody else to hear what he was saying, but he was angry.

“You think I’m getting you to fall in love with me?” Castiel’s voice was back to being even, which ticked Dean off even more.

“That’s what you are doing, right? I mean, that’s why we are even trapped in this stupid cart together anyway?” Dean shook his head, he didn’t want to talk about this, not right now. Dean wondered if the distance to the ground would kill him if he jumped out.

“Did you ever stop to think that maybe I’m not even into you? That I’m not gay either?” Castiel asked, and Dean cranked his head back to the other boy so fast he thought he might give himself whiplash.

“What?” Of course, he was gay, a straight man doesn’t kiss that well.

“No, you just think that everyone is drawn to you. Because your ego is as big as a Chrysler building, so you think everyone just adores you. Well - newsflash Winchester - I wanted to be just friends. You’re the one who kissed me.” Castiel sat back and watched Dean after his little rant was over. He crossed his arms over his chest, that stupid trench coat billowing out around him.

Dean’s never backed down from a fight. And eye contact is a good way to start one. If you have a hard glare you could make any man fight, especially if alcohol is involved. And looking away from someone’s stare is a sign of submission, and Dean has never looked away.

Until now.

He couldn’t meet Castiel’s eyes. He actually cowered away as the guilt and dread washed over him. Castiel was right, Dean had been the one to kiss him. God, all the other boy was trying to do was comfort him and Dean took it way to far. Dean made the first move on another guy.

Dean had kissed Castiel, he was the one that had leaned in and sealed the deal. It was his choice. He very well could have stopped it, but he didn’t. At the time he just didn’t want to. All he wanted was to feel Castiel’s lips pressed against his own. There was no way that was true because Dean had never felt this way about someone else, much less another dude.

And he had thought that Castiel was into him, but not because he thought everyone was into or because he had a big ego. He was actually self-conscious about a lot of things. He thought Castiel was into him because you don’t just look at someone like that and not feel anything towards them.

“I-I’m sorry.” Dean’s voice was small, he wasn’t even sure if he had heard him.

Part Four

[stratiotis-nth]

Castiel has been able to see Glimpses of people’s future when he meets them for the first time—specifically when he first makes eye contact. It’s the big family secret and Castiel hates that he’s the one stuck with it. It’s infuriating—Gabriel asks if Castiel could make eye contact with some hot guy or girl to see if he’ll get lucky, and Castiel ignores him every time.

He doesn’t see the person’s entire life when he looks like them. It’s more like…a tsunami of information. Sometimes it’s images or feelings or sounds. Usually, Castiel can’t make heads or tails of what he experienced, so he stopped trying to interpret them a long time ago.

At this point, the flood of information is an annoyance, and he’s done his best to just avoid eye contact altogether.

Maybe that’s why Castiel is so quiet and keeps to himself. He doesn’t like meeting new people if only to avoid the data dump of another person’s future. He’s thankful he doesn’t get Glimpses when he looks at anyone he’s already Glimpsed, because he’s never be able to look Gabriel in the face. And anyone who Castiel had accidentally Glimpsed before have long since disappeared from his life, and Castiel is such a recluse that he hasn’t had a new friend in years.

Until Gabriel was an annoying asshole.

His older brother practically wrestled Castiel out of the house they shared to go clubbing. It had been a close fight and Castiel had gotten damn well near to biting Gabriel’s arm—but he eventually lost because Gabriel threatened to trample Castiel’s carefully cultivated garden in the backyard.

For the sake of his plants, Castiel reluctantly ducked into Gabriel’s obnoxiously bright red Camero.

“This is a stupid idea.” He grumbled, crossing his arms and keeping his hands tucked firmly against himself. “I’m just going to be standing there staring at the floor like an idiot.”

“No, you’re gonna keep that chin up and meet some people, Cassie.” Gabriel said briskly as they drove to Downtown. “Glimpsing a few people isn’t gonna change your life. You need friends, my bumbling, weirdo brother.”

“I can live my life just fine without friends, Gabriel.” Castiel snapped. “I have you, my cat, and my garden. I work from home and can support myself if needs be. What else do I need?”

Gabriel sighed.

“You’ll always have me, Cassie.” He said. “But have you ever thought about what you want?”

No. Of course he hadn’t. Castiel hadn’t had the luxury of knowing what he wanted since he first discovered the Glimpses.

“Your Glimpses shouldn’t be what stops you from having a life, little bro.” Gabriel continued firmly. They were in Downtown now, string lights lighting the two way street and neon signs making the air gleam in multicolor. Castiel’s chest clenched with anxiety, carefully avoiding the stream of bodies moving up and down the sidewalks in case he made eye contact with as passers by.

Gabriel pulled into the VIP spot of his nightclub, Sugar+Spice and grinned at Castiel.

“C’mon, brosky, time to swim amongst the fishes.” To complete Gabriel’s inspiring speech, he slapped two condoms into Castiel’s hand and ducked out of the car before he could throw them back.

Grumbling under his breath about invasive brothers, Castiel begrudgingly followed Gabriel through the back entrance of the club.

It was loud, hot, and chaotic. Despite not having made eye contact with anyone yet, Castiel’s senses were immediately overloaded with noise and light. He could barely hear Gabriel over the din, risking a glance up in an effort to read his lips.

This way. He seemed to be shouting. Gabriel grabbed his hand and tugged him along anyway. Castiel allowed himself to be dragged, bumping through a crowd of people with his eyes fixed on their passing feet.

Gabriel took him up to a slightly quieter, less crowded second floor and sat him down at the bar.

“Alfie!” Gabriel called to the bartender, rapping his knuckles on the glass bar top. “Dirty Shirley for my fruity brother!”

“Gabriel!” Castiel hissed. He didn’t necessarily care if people knew he was gay, but he didn’t want Gabriel going on trying to get him laid.

“Coming up, boss.” Alfie called, already moving nonstop and smoothly as he tended to the other patrons lining his bar top.

“See ya, Cassie.” Gabriel clapped his shoulder. Castiel’s heart seized with terror.

“Gabriel, don’t you dare—“

“Sorry little bro, I’ve got club owner responsibilities to attend to.”

And then, Castiel was alone. Alfie’s slim hand set a red-pink colored drink in front of him and moved on before Castiel could think he would wait a second for a thanks. He was probably too busy to care for social expectations like please and thank you.

Castiel didn’t know how long he had sat there, hunched over his drink and staring at the bar top resolutely. Gabriel could drag his ass into public, but he couldn’t make him talk to people.

People seemed to catch the hint to leave him alone, or maybe Alfie had warned them against it before Castiel could sense their presence. Some tried, though, but Castiel just shook his head. That was usually enough to leave him be.

It was well after 1 AM when he’d finally had enough sitting around and staring at his drink to ward off horny one nighters. He stood, determined to find Gabriel and force him to take him home. He was tired, anxious, and terrified of this place and of people. He didn’t like Glimpsing—it was like intruding into their privacy and instead of doing it intentionally like how a burglar would invade a home, it was hurled at him when he didn’t want it. The last time Castiel had Glimpsed, the images and noises had been too much. It had overloaded his mind and nearly made him pass out from the onslaught.

The last time he had Glimpsed was the first time he’d met a future serial killer. One could imagine why Castiel didn’t like Glimpsing anymore.

He pushed his way through the crowd, trying to find Gabriel’s recognizable white dress shoes amongst the writhing sea of legs and lower bodies.

Castiel finally reached the stairs, the door swinging shut and blessedly blocking out the din of the dance floor. The peaceful silent lasted for only a moment, though.

“Whoa, Jesus!”

Castiel slammed into a very solid form and went tumbling backwards, his back hitting the bottom staircase with a painful thud before he toppled back onto the concrete floor.

“Shit, shit, shit! I’m so sorry! Jesus fuck, here, lemme help—“

The person he collided into was scrabbling down the last few stairs, kneeling over him and grabbing his arms.

“Hey, man, you okay?”

Castiel’s entire body was ringing with the aftershock of his fall. His back throbbed painfully, already promising a nice purpling welt.

Maybe it was the pain, or maybe the ringing in his head muted out higher reason, or maybe just fate, but Castiel drifted his gaze to stare at the person who had run into him.

The moment he met the pair of green eyes the color of matcha and wild grass, he was assaulted with an onslaught of Glimpses.

Warm, comforting yellow and orange, the color that light up a home on a cozy, winter night.

The sizzle, pop and bang of fireworks in a dewy field, ringing with a pair of laughter. Bursting, bright colors lighting up a starry sky.

Metallic, greasy smell of an auto shop, the sharp chemical scent of acrylic paint, the words Winchester Auto in neon lights on the top of a busy garage and art studio.

But the main image, the one that always came through crystal clear when he had a Glimpse—

was Castiel himself.

He couldn’t force the image away, or what followed after.

It was Castiel, looming over the man’s point of view with his arms braced on either of his vision. His own face was slack with pleasure as his entire body moved up and down in a very obvious thrusting motion. His eyes were bright and wide and so full of something warm and gentle and careful that Castiel didn’t believe he could ever really do that.

He closed his eyes, willing the main image and surrounding flashes of senses to fade.

“Dude, please tell me you’re okay.” The man fretted, his hands now cupping Castiel’s face and shaking slightly. The way the man was leaning over him looked so much like how Castiel was leaning in the Glimpse that it brought him back to himself.

He sat bolt upright, smacking foreheads with the man and immediately making himself dizzy again.

“Ow.” They both mumbled. The guy scrambled back to give Castiel some space.

“You okay, man?” The guy asked again, staring at him with wide eyes. Castiel’s first reaction was to advert his eyes, but this time for an entirely different reason than the Glimpse. His cheeks burned with the embarrassment of what he had just witnessed.

“Yes.” He managed, but it sounded strained. The man, apparently took that strain as pain instead of mortification.

“Oh shit, you’re probably all banged up, shit. Did the stair hit your back? Did it break the skin?” Suddenly, warm hands were gingerly touching his lower back, feeling for the welt already swelling. Electrical shocks rippled under his skin despite the layers of clothes between him and the hand, but Castiel hissed sharply when the pressure of his fingers hit the welt.

“Sorry, hang on. Don’t move too much, not until I can be sure you didn’t break anything.” The guy was completely unfazed by touching Castiel. It was a gentle touch, but definitely clinical. Was this guy a nurse? Doctor?

“I used to be a paramedic.” The guy answered Castiel’s unspoken speculation. He gently pressed around the welt. “Anything hurt?”

“No.” Castiel managed faintly, his brain already providing unhelpful scenarios where the man’s hand drifted lower and suddenly his last Glimpse was coming true right then and there—

“Okay, I don’t think anything’s broken.” The guy said, sounding relieved. “Can you stand?”

“Yes. It’s just a bruise.” Castiel said, his defenses rising with the determination to never allow that last Glimpse to come true. There were too many risks, too many dangers associated with having friends, let alone pursue a romantic relationship. For this man’s sake and for Castiel’s sanity, he would do everything in his power to stop that Glimpse from happening.

“I’m alright, thank you.” He said quickly, stepping back to allow an acceptable amount of space between him and the man.

“Okay, uh, good.” The guy said, ducking his head sheepishly.

Please don’t. Castiel begged helplessly, staring as the man glanced up at him through his lashes. He was undeniably gorgeous. Light brown hair styled lightly and freckled, tanned skin. Those enrapturing green eyes that made Castiel want to smother himself in that very shade, framed by long lashes. Plush pink lips and a little scruff that Castiel wanted to feel on his skin. Broad shoulders filled a worn leather jacket over a flannel and Henley. Oil-stained jeans and scuffed boots. Rugged and beautiful.

What the hell did future Castiel do to secure a night with this man? How did an awkward, nobody with a fear of people manage to have sex with this perfect, gorgeous man who could get anyone he wanted?

“Sorry about that, man. I swear I don’t go running into hot guys as a pick up line.”

Castiel’s jaw dropped, and the man went very red when he realized what he’d said.

“Ah, fuck. I-I didn’t mean, that’s n-not—shit, I didn’t mean for it to come out like that—“

“It’s alright.” Castiel cut him off hastily. “I’ve actually got to go. I’m supposed to meet my brother and he’s probably worried that I haven’t shown up.”

The man looked embarrassed but startled by Castiel’s hasty retreat. But he moved to let him up the stairs.

He was already a few steps up when the man spoke again.

“Sorry again, man.”

It was a mistake to turn back around, but Castiel did, perhaps selfish enough to indulge in the man’s beauty one more time.

Then something happened that never happened before. Castiel had another Glimpse when he met his eyes.

It was gentler than the first, like an aftershock after an A-bomb.

Deep, sweet spices mixed with buttery pie dough and tangy apple.

A warm, soft red that enveloping his entire body like an embrace to protect and cherish.

The man’s deep, rough voice murmuring “Cas” with such profound affection and care.

Then, Castiel’s voice answering in the same low, gentle caress of soft happiness—“Dean”.

This could not be happening.

[justholdingstill]

First is a pop and a scratch; there is a breath of quiet, long and deep. Then there is a heartbeat, drumming steady, growing louder and more urgent as the seconds tick by.

His fingers are nimble and practiced--graceful, even--despite the scars and calluses layered over one another, despite the pinky finger that was broken and healed months ago and which no longer moves quite the way it was meant to. They are beautiful hands. Steady, firm. Castiel has seen them stitch wounds and field strip guns and dissect vegetables for dinner, all with the same precise efficiency that they now apply to the task at hand.

He exhales through his nose; the heartbeat blends itself into a brief, confusing jumble of noises that resolve into a jarring wail and then melt, almost improbably, into the first lazy guitar chord of the album, which ripples its way down his spine like a physical thing. If pressed to describe the sensation, he would call it warm and liquid and highly gratifying. Tingly, even. It makes him shudder and sigh out loud.

Nobody asks, but he says so anyway. Dean laughs at him. “You are, like...you are really fucking high, huh, sweetheart?” 

He licks the glue on the rolling paper and twists his handiwork just a bit tighter, presenting it to Castiel with the corner of his mouth ticked up. His eyes are very red. “You sure you wanna smoke another one?”

“I was under the impression that being ‘really fucking high’ was the sole purpose of this endeavour, Dean,” Castiel tells him coolly. He makes a broad, dismissive gesture, discovering as he does so that there’s still a chocolate chip cookie in his hand.

“All right, all right, preaching to the choir here, buddy.” Dean fumbles for his lighter, the flame briefly illuminating the planes of his face as he tilts it down toward the cradle of his hands. There’s the syrupy-sharp tang of smoke on the air again after a moment; Castiel chews his cookie and watches in fascination as Dean parts his lips (just as beautiful as those hands--as every inch of him, really) to let it spill out between them in a languorous white plume, as lingering as revelation and as heady as desire. He coughs a little bit at the end of the exhale, chuckling at himself this time before he waves the joint in Castiel’s face. “Your turn. And quit bogarting those, I had a hard enough time hiding half the batch from Jack and Sam.”

Reluctantly, Castiel trades Dean for the plastic container and tries not to be too distracted by the way he dives into the cookies with gusto, shoving one into his mouth practically whole with a bone-deep hum of satisfaction. Castiel occupies himself with dropping back into the pillows as he takes a few careful drags, his eyes catching on the record cover that Dean had been using as a rolling surface, forgotten in his lap.

“Is this considered homosexual music?”

Dean chokes, clapping a hand over his mouth so he doesn’t spray crumbs. Once he’s calmed himself enough to swallow, he reaches over to pluck the joint back and eyes Castiel warily. “Not really, I guess? Why would you ask that?”

“There’s a--a prism. On the cover. A rainbow. And when we went to Pride with Charlie you said that rainbows are often used by the ‘gay community’--”

“Not again with the fucking air quotes,” Dean interjects.

“...fine, gay community. You said that rainbows can a way for the gay community to acknowledge and recognize each other. Is this gay music?”

Dean belly-laughs at that, though not unkindly. “Nah, man,” he says, still grinning, “I’m pretty sure that Pink Floyd are pretty damn straight. Although, what do I know for sure? Sometimes it’s just some cool imagery.”

Castiel nods. He mulls this over as Dean smokes, his face warming when Dean crowds up into his personal space to share his breath with Castiel, lung to lung, so nearly mouth to mouth. Dean has told him on previous occasions that this is called “shotgunning”, but he’s not sure why; it clearly has no relation to either firearms or violence, but that hardly seems to matter when it brings Dean so close, the green of his eyes bright and intent with something that Castiel had once thought he’d never have a name for.

Dean sucks in more air, and then he’s kissing Castiel for real, soft and wet, luxuriating in it. This--this lights up Castiel’s nerves just as much as the music does, more, pleasure pooling and igniting wherever Dean’s body is in contact with his own, waves of it rolling and breaking through his whole nervous system. It’s overwhelming, especially in combination with the female vocalist reaching for some explosive notes, now, singing as if they’re being physically tugged from the center of her chest by an unseen hand.

Castiel thinks he might understand how that feels.

“Jesus,” Dean gasps, breaking away to flop down beside him, raking a hand through his own hair. He dissolves into giggles, and Castiel can’t help but laugh with him. “I am blitzed, man. This is embarrassing.”

“I’m the only other person here,” Castiel feels obligated to point out, nuzzling at his ear, “and I have literally seen your soul at its barest and at its lowest. Is this really what embarrasses you?”

“Shut up,” Dean says, muffled because he’s hiding his face in Castiel’s shoulder, blushing so hard that he might as well be glowing. Castiel can actually feel the warmth of it radiating through the cotton of his shirt; it makes him want.

“So this,” he says, hesitant, picking up the earlier thread of their conversation. “This--you only do it with me. Not with Sam. Not with Charlie or Jody--at least not like this. But these, um. These... meetings...aren’t about us, about what--what we do together?”

“Jesus,” Dean groans again, rolling his eyes, adding a heartfelt, “Christ.” He hauls himself up off the bed and strips off his shirt, gesturing at Castiel to do the same. “Take your damn clothes off already, man.” He seems to catch himself on how that sounds, because he pauses with one hand on the buckle of his belt before shaking his head, grinning at some private joke. “I mean, yeah, I guess it’s a little bit about that. But no, Cas, we don’t hang out smoking weed and listening to the classics because it’s some kind of agenda, because you and I are, uh...you know. Because rainbows,” he offers, very careful to look anywhere but directly at Cas.

Castiel tilts his head, listening, and when he doesn’t speak, Dean blusters on. “No, it’s ‘cause you’re stuck with me, you know? Stuck with us, stuck here, stuck human...I guess I just figure if you’ve gotta take the lumps of it, the sore backs and the seasonal colds and the, the shitty truck stop coffee of it all, you should have some of the good stuff, too. If I’m not the one to teach you the finer points of stoner rock, ok, who will? It’s not all bad here, and I just want to make sure you know that.”

Finished with his speech, Dean grabs awkwardly for another cookie, presumably to stop himself from rambling any further. Something light and fond unfurls itself inside Castiel; he reaches out to draw Dean down into his arms again. “I assure you, Dean,” he says gravely, “I am absolutely certain of it.” Dean offers him a bite, which he accepts with equal gravity.

All of their kisses are delicious, to be fair, but they are undeniably more delightful chased with chocolate.

“Anyway,” Dean says with his mouth full, “take your fucking pants off. You wanna talk gay music? It’s gonna be Night at the Opera next, and that’s really gonna bake your noodle.”

_________________

Read it here on AO3! 

[bowties--are--cool]

Random things I or people in my life have said as supernatural characters(this is quite long- simply because-)

Dean: You're the one tied up right now- but im the one with the bondage kink

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Sam: cass go drunk you're home

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Castiel: hold jesus not penis

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Cass @ the entire human race(mainly dean): you confuse me, but its ok cuz you're cute

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Sam: someone rick rolled me in Spanish

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Dean: fucking.

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Dean: being poisoned will make you sweaty.....like sex-

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Cass: homos [gayly]

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Sam: clowns don't have skin

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Cass: well this is sexual

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Crowley: tell you what though--

Dean: im going to kill you.

Crowley: damn ok

OR

Dean: tell you what though--

Billie: im going to kill you.

Dean: damn ok

OR

Cass: tell you what though-

Empty: im going to kill you.

Cass: damn ok

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Sam and dean in that one episode: john wayne gacy?!

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Sam and Charlie in the one episode with the bug guy: bro you smell like bug spray

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Sam: i don't watch porn

Dean, sounding proud of himself: i do!

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Dean: cass is fine.

Lucifer, in a cassifer type way: Cass, is locked in a cell in hell. so, not doing the best

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Sam talking about how everyone in his life helped with the whole demon blood thing:

Gabriel: well cass told you to stop or he'd kill you

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Dean: im gonna kill myself

Gabriel: then do it.

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Cass, accidentally: Zoinks snoob-

Dean: who the fuck is snoob-

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Cass: guys do you mind if iii uhhh misha Collins

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Sam dean and cass: youre a weird guy chuck- youre a weird fucking guy-

alternatively with what I actually said

Gabriel pretending to be loki: youre a weird guy Odin- youre a weird fucking guy-

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Jack: uhhh sex? Help me

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Chuck: it's judgement day.

Team free will: no. I refuse.

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Sam and dean: oh no! Our Cass! Its gender!

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Chuck: i like laughing at gay people

OR

The CW: i like laughing at gay people

[cowboykissing]

re-listening to last week’s episode because im still processing... i need to share some of the parts that made me sit on my kitchen floor like this:

transcription under the cut, in case you don’t have headphones on hand

Jeremy: ...and [Dean] has this moment of clarity where he realizes "I shouldn't have left Sam and Jack." like, you know I- Jesus, I'm getting kind of. fucking. emotional even talking about this.

Chris: He gets it. This is "Everybody should be here" and you know, or an "everybody's going to die. And I, and I can't stop it."

And it's still- the whole time she's- Billie is hammering on the outside.

Death is literally knocking on the door.

And Dean says-

Dean just says, "I'm sorry."

Yeah, "She's going to break through. She's going to kill you and she's going to kill me. I'm sorry." And this is, uh- I'm going to open a beer.

[beer opening sound]

Open the beer! This is where Castiel starts talking and we're not going to be able to do this justice,

(...) Um, and Castiel's just- as he starts breaking this down, that's where I think we ALL start to break down.

(...) ...[about everything Dean and Cas have been through together] that connection, more than anything, changed Dean so much. And this is where Castiel delivers the line. "I cared about the whole world because of you. You changed me, Dean." And you can see on Dean's face- it's all coming crashing down. He's realizing that this is the moment of happiness that he talked about, that this is when it's going to happen. And Castiel looks at him and says "I love you." And Dean begs.

He, dude, he says "You changed me, Dean." and then Dean says "Why does this sound like a goodbye?" Castiel says "Because it is." and then says "I love you, Dean." [stunned little pause] Jesus Christ.

And man, like,

Also, just to stop, so uh... I love a lot of people. Family, friends. But I can't imagine saying anything like this or feeling this way about anyone other than, you know, Jess, you know, the person that I love romantically. It's that special person, that special person in your life.

(...) Love- I don't think it really existed for Castiel.

I don't think so.

-befoere Dean. I don't know if love exists for angels. I know that they've played with that kind of stuff before, but I don't know if- not like this. I don't think it has existed like this.

This feels like something new and unique and that- this bond between the human and this angel just altered the course of the entire universe.

[voice cracking] Dude. To love and be loved so much, that you defy God.

Absolutely! I wouldn't defy God for Autumn. I mean, she's great. Don't get me wrong.

I ain't doing it. I ain't gonna do it. -unless I know I'm in a JRPG situation that I'm suiting up. I'm a square up with God.

[laughter, fade into gamer talk]

(...) Everything that's happened, and like him- leading to this moment. And it's. It's so big! It's so huge! And it's hard not to talk about this on a fandom level, too, because for YEARS, we're talking like 16 years at this point (or not 16, I guess, you know, 11 years, since Castiel showed up) that this has been... It is literally the biggest, like, ship of all time. Like, in so many different ways. Whether we talk about number of stories on AO3 or the "characters that should get together the most" or just like everybody- It feels like this is the biggest thing. And to have the show go fucking, out of its way to confirm it. And like you said, to me, there's no, to me there's no misinterpreting this. Like, when he says "You changed me, I love you" there is no, absolutely no way, you can in any shape or form that you can say "Oh well, they're just- super cool friends. They're guys being dudes." Like, fuck that! Absolutely not.

Hey, hey, is it gay to tell your homies that you love them? In this case, yes, it fucking is!

(...)

Castiel pulled him out of literal hell, and I think that Castiel just pulled Dean out of his personal hell that he's been living in ever since.

Okay. Love it.

I think offering him that unconditional, full love, and then he pulls him out - he's literally pulling him out of the way of death, but - I think he just pulled Dean out of his personal hell with that confession. And of course, Dean doesn't get to...

(...)

I think I described it in the Discord as having this like incredibly euphoric high and then getting the worst news of your life at the same time.

To me, it's Dean Winchester sitting there and reviewing - like I think a lot of people do, whether it's because of mental health issues or whether it's because of self doubt or whatever - He is literally reliving every single moment, every single argument, every single slight, every single thing that has ever happened between him and Castiel, and revisiting it in this new light and just fucking dying inside. And just realizing "I had this in front of me, but I was too angry, I was too blind, I was too stubborn. I was not willing. I was too scared. I was too- I just wouldn't accept it." And going through every- like going through the breakup from earlier this season. Like, I don't think you get here without that. As much as we kind of didn't like it at the time, it justifies that entire arc and all of those characters feelings for one another. And I feel like at the time, you had a really nice way of thinking. Like Dean thinking "Did I go too far when I shoved him out the bunker?" And here he's like "Absolutely."

[inside joke:]"Was it fucked up that we never gave him his own room?"

[laughter]

Yeah, but here he's absolutely just dying at every single interaction and imagining how much he failed Castiel in light of Castiel having loved him this entire time and realizing that like "Oh, shit. I absolutely love this dude back. And now my chance is gone. And he sacrificed himself for me." And I feel like Dean is basically going to be useless in the next two episodes.

I don't know how he's gonna...

I don't either. I feel like we're gonna to see the most-

How's he going to tell Sam?

[laughter]

What do you- What do you say?

Not just that Castiel died, but like- How do you even like- How do you- You can't.

You can't.

You can't make somebody else feel- what that was.

(...)

It makes me want to like reevaluate the way that I treat the people that I love [😳], you know, to appreciate them more because this speech is so beautiful and you don't know when- just love people. Just tell people that you love them because you could get eaten by the Empty at any moment.

(...)

The guy - Robert Berens, I believe "Bobo", as they call him in fandom - this was his plan from the beginning. By all accounts this was like, he wasn't going to come back on for Supernatural until they said this is going to be the last season and he was like, "Well, this is what I want to do." Like he was actively going for this relationship and he wanted this to happen, and I think that's- one of the most beautiful things in the world to actually accomplish that on a CW show that has resisted so much. With a bunch of actors, frankly, that have resisted so much. Even now, after the show is over with, who resist the idea that this could be an actual relationship between two men, a romantic relationship between two men and it's so incredibly frustrating. (And I don't pay a lot of attention to cons and things but of course it like stuff floats to the top) and hearing Jared mealy mouth his way through some of the responses on some of the stuff hering even Jensen mealy mouth his way through some of the responses on some of the stuff being real "middle of the road, the centeral is going to be the path of least resistance" kind of bullshit, instead of just saying "Yeah, they're totally gay for each other." It's really disappointing for me to have looked at these two dudes and think that they're great guys, right? Like, I don't know anything about them but by all accounts, by the things that they have done in their personal lives and their professional lives are great dudes. It makes me just not like them as much. And I'm not saying that I don't like...

Nobody likes a fence-sitter. Nobody likes a fence-sitter.

Exactly. Especially with something like as FUCKING BASIC as this.

@monsteroftheweekpodcast

[michaelmilligan]

Day 12 of B&B's (@drgarth and @starrynightdeancas) Holiday Advent Calendar Event! (More Midam? On my blog? It's more likely than you think.)

Make Christmas Cards//Glitter//“With those holiday greetings and gay happy meetings”

When Adam opened the card, he was bombarded with glitter.

“Um,” he made, looking at where it had rained onto the couch, his jeans, the coffee table and the cat. Bastet sniffed and pawed at their now very sparkly ear.

“What is it?” Michael asked, manifesting himself to take Adam's hand. “It's not a spell, right?”

“No, I think it's just Jack's overflowing Christmas spirit.” Adam brushed some glitter off Bastet's fur and they purred, shifting on their blanket to cuddle up against his leg. “Whoever let the kid use glitter without supervision deserves to be decked in the face.”

“I blame Castiel,” Michael said immediately.

“Babe, you always blame him. For everything.”

Michael narrowed his eyes at him. “Well, I'm usually right.”

Adam poked his stomach. Bastet meowed, clearly unhappy that their petting was cut short for these human shenanigans.

“Well, what does the card say?” Michael asked, watching as Bastet climbed over Adam to come to him instead, trailing glitter along the way. As always, Michael immediately started petting them. It was almost comical how much this small ball of fur had the archangel wrapped around their finger.

Adam cleared his throat and started reading:

Merry Christmas Uncle Adam and Uncle Michael

He smiled at the words, and not just because of the blocky letters that looked like a six-year old had written them. (To be fair, Jack was literally four.) Adam was still getting used to being an uncle, but he figured when the little one sent you a Christmas card without being prompted, that was probably a good sign.

Michael leaned against him as Adam continued reading.

I know it's still early, but Uncle Gabriel said that we could make Christmas cards already and then we can make more for Christmas itself.

“Gabriel. That explains a lot,” Michael commented. “So Jack was supervised, just not by an actual adult.”

“Oh, shush.”

I just wanted you to know that I love our time together and I hope we can have many Christmases together in the future.

Love,

Jack

There was a smiley crudely drawn in the bottom corner of the card, but Adam could barely see it through the tears in his eyes.

“Adam? Are you okay?” Michael asked softly.

Adam sniffed. “I'm great.” He laughed wetly. Sniffed again. “Uh, I think I have something in my eye.”

“No, you don't.” Slowly, Michael wrapped his arms around him, pulling Adam against himself as much as he could without disturbing Bastet. “You have something in your soul. It's called an emotion.”

Adam laughed again. Hiccuped. “Sounds fake, but okay.” He hugged back with one arm while his other hand still held the card. “Um. I think it might be more than one emotion, actually. I don't even know...”

Michael just held him tighter. He could probably feel all of what Adam was feeling through their bond.

“I'm happy, you know. Just. The last time I got a Christmas card like this, it... you know how I told you about Ashley, my neighbour's daughter that I babysat sometimes? Um. She made me a card like that. Explosions of hearts and... and glitter.” He smiled at the memory, but at the same time a tear slipped down his cheek. “Uh, I don't know, it just reminds me of-” He swallowed thickly.

“Of what you lost,” Michael said for him, and Adam had to swallow again. It wasn't like he would have seen her that often, he told himself. Not when he'd already left for college. But maybe... well, he'd never know. He'd never see that kid again.

By now, she was probably close to college herself. Jesus Christ.

“Yeah,” Adam said, nodding. “But- but I'm happy, I mean Jack is great and I honestly didn't even think that anyone would ever care about me enough again to send me- except for you, I mean, but-”

Michael kissed the side of his face without breaking the hug. “We're both so used to being only with each other that this is overwhelming.”

Adam chuckled. “Yeah okay, but since when are you Dr. Phil?”

“Seeing my siblings again...” Michael hesitated. “And honestly, having Bastet with us...”

They both looked down at the cat, who yawned and stretched, then looked up at them expectantly. Adam scratched behind their ear.

“It's been eye-opening,” Michael finished.

They were silent for a long moment.

“We told ourselves for so long that we didn't need anyone else,” Adam said eventually.

Michael nodded. “It's difficult to adjust.”

“I mean. It's good. It's nice.” Jack was a blast and after some initial awkwardness, Adam was actually getting along pretty well with Raphael and Gabriel, too.

“Of course.” Michael brushed a hand through Adam's hair. “But that doesn't make it any less difficult.”

“Yeah.” Adam buried his face in Michael's neck. They sat like that for a lot longer than would probably have been comfortable for people who didn't have archangel juice flowing through them. Then Adam had an idea. “You know what would cheer me up?”

Michael sighed and snapped his fingers. The stereo turned to life immediately.

It's the most wonderful time of the year

Adam couldn't help smiling, knowing what was to come. But he only started singing along at his favourite line:

With those holiday greetings and gay happy meetings

As always, he didn't get any further, because he started giggling uncontrollably.

Michael sighed again. “You know he doesn't mean it like that.”

“Well, I mean it like that.” Adam grinned, tugging at the strings of Michael's hoodie as they listened to the song. “Will you do much mistletoeing with me?”

“I still don't think that's an actual verb. But...” Michael kissed him on the nose. “Yes, Addy. As much mistletoeing as you want.”

[broxklynn]

The End Of My Candy Love

Warning!

Alright, so. This post will contain a lot. First of all, it's gonna be really sloppy. I'm very emotional person and I easily get attached to games, movies and stuff. I know it's a bit weird, but yeah, I'm a weird person. Anyway, that's why there's a warning: there's gonna be a lot of sloppiness, grammar mistakes (at least I think so, specially since english isn't my native languange) and it's probably going to be long. So, if you're intrested in reading my thoughts about everything - good luck.

First Adventure

I first heard about "My Candy Love" in 2015, six years ago. So, I was basically a baby (I'm pretty young). And I started playing a year after, I got totally obssesed with Lysander and I fell in love, seriously, haha. I was into writing back then, but I couldn't find any ideas on "what to write?" and MCL gave me just that - inspiration (that's most likely why I'm just a romance freak).

My Story

You know, I was a child so I couldn't really pay for AP, but I always found some kind of way to get them. But then I got my phone I just used money from that, geez, I was nuts. The old AP system was so iconic, looking for Nathaniel, finding Kiki, I'm gonna miss it.

Anyway, I got along with Castiel pretty well (which suprises me 'cause I found about walkthroughs in 2017, like year after, so maybe it was because I was a brat?), but I adored Lysander. Oh, I also loved Ken (I was so sad when he went away) and Nathaniel. After I met Armin, I liked him too.

Again, being a child and playing a game like this I came across all diffrent kinds of emotions. I was laughing, crying, dying from embaressment (this thing with Nath and locker room, aaa) and getting seriously mad (Deborah's arc, Priya, Charlotte). I remember impatiently waiting for new episode to come out or crying my eyes out during Lysander's amnesia plot. Jesus. I loved the way Castiel was teasing Candy, I loved this cute-clumsy Kentin, I loved the old Nathaniel, I loved Armin and most of all - I loved my precious Lysander. I adored the interactions between characters, how funny or cringy they were and how much fun I had. I even like this secret-dating plot even when it got on my nerves. I still remember staying up late to watch videos like "lysander illustrations" and stuff. I also really enjoyed reading MCL manga and I spent hours trying to translate it from Spanish to English or my native languange (funfact: I still haven't finished it! I don't know where to find those mangas) or trying to draw something from the game up ending up terribly failing. Anyway, I was crying during the prom thing, my Candy was so grown-up, I got emotional, haha. So, 40 episode came in. I was pretty excited 'because, me, being extremely naive (I got to say, I've never had a problem with Beemoov before, I started playing MCL in 2016 and Eldarya in 2017, so there were no major issues with them, only the price of PA, I think) thought that my Lysander is going to propose (I was a child, ok?) and maybe, there's going to be a second season with us living together. Haha, how naive I was. Whole episode 40, really got me tearing up, I was a wreck, seriously (When Kentin couldn't take Candy's bra off I lost it or this whole ananas thing in Castiel's route, omg). But I finished it feeling happy. I truly enjoyed spending my time on this game. But, then this whole university thing came out. And the fact, that Lysander, Armin and Kentin won't be with us foe the next season. I spent entire vacation crying (I was a kiddo, ok?) and being mad at everyone. I felt like I got robbed. It was horrible.

"A New Chapter"

I was one of these people who just couldn't accept the change. Not in the world. Never. They stole my Lysander, Kentin and Armin from me and changed AP system to some kind of bullshit. God, I was mad. Really mad. Seeing Castiel was quite nice, but I didn't fill the void of my baby. But, oh, my, God. When I saw Nathaniel I just couldn't believe. I said I was mad? Then I was furious. I really liked the old Nathaniel, he had his own vibe, his backstory, his character and it was just, damn, amazing. But they changed him completely, for what? They wanted the second Castiel? Yeah, they got it. Priya as a love interest was quite a good move, tho. I even though I didn't like her (in highschool or in university) I liked the idea of adding a female interest. But the thing that hurted me, was the fact that Lysander was taking care of the farm. Like, no! He didn't want that. He didn't like the countryside. He had such a potential to become a author and Beemoov didn't let him. God, that broke my heart. Anyway, I didn't spent a single penny on MCLUL, but I have to say - I kinda enjoyed it. You know, it was the guily-pleasure kind of thing. I didn't like it as much as I liked highschool, but there were some good or funny moments. I loved Rayan's kiss scene. I adored Chani. Or Hyun making us watch "Toy Story". Nathaniel's ulgy green hair or all these crazy threesomes. I liked it. Kinda. I hated Nath tho. The ending, hm, it was okay, I guess? I do feel sort of nostalgic thinking about it 'cause I got some nice memories from it, in the end. But yeah, going on.

Love Life

Oh. My. Lord. I was so sceptical about it. Like, I was sure that, at this point they're going to do "My Candy Love Mid-Life Crises" next or some other shit. But in the end, I "kinda" like it. It wasn't good like highschool or fresh like university, but I was nice to see new chapters with our annoying-cringy Candy, that I love (btw, I started playing other otome games and I realized that Candy wasn't that bad). Meeting Eric was nice, even tho, this whole cheating plot really got me ragging. Like, damn, Beemoov, seriously? And if you going this, why not with old LIs? Just kidding. Anyway, I truly enjoyed meeting Dan and Eric, the two of them were quite a characters. I won't forget them, hah. I was happy with single ending, 'cause I think about it as a "open ending" when my Candy can go back to my baby and everything's going to be alright.

Regrets & Complaints

Now, now. Where do I start? AP system was a freaking nightmare. Replacing old Nathaniel with some kind of weird Castiel was a nightmare. Removing Lysander, Nathaniel, Armin and Kentin was a nightmare. Not finishing plots was a nightmare. And why in the whole Love Life I haven't seen Amber once? Why Alexy never mentioned Evan like they're not brothers? Why Castiel doesn't care that I was dating his bestfriend? And why, in the world, after changing the system finding Kiki is so damn easy? Why AP is so expensive? So many questions!

All The Good Times

But, I got to say. I will never forget this bitchy Castiel, cookie-monster Ken following us around. Or cute Nathaniel. Castiel buying Candy some kind of weird McDonald's. Or Lysander's parents exposing him having crush on Candy. Or seeing Kentin kissing Amber (ew). This super akward-funny sex ed lesson. Deborah's arc and losing my shit over it. Or Thomas (this weird child) stalking my Candy and her LI in the park. And Lysander asking us how to hide a body, aaa. Or Armin telling us he loves us. Or Kentin. And Cookie ripping this huge teddybear apart. Or the water fight in Kentin’s spin off. And crushing on Alexy and later on finding out he’s gay. Or spin-the-bottle game and Lysander getting jealous. Or Dake, being a creep for entire game straight. Or guessing what was guy's surnames. And for sure, I will never forget this demonic Kiki dog.

What it worth it?

In the end, yes. Have I ever told you that I want to become a professional writer? Silly dream, I know, but writing is a huge passion of mine, and well, my first story was based off My Candy Love (it is cringy as hell, but I feel kinda nostalgic thinking about it). All these years spending on playing game that I wasn't supposed to be playing was amazing. It was one of the best experiences I had in life and I will never, ever forget that.

What now?

Well, Beemoov is working on a new game and I'm kinda optimistic. I know, it's really naive of me, but I want to believe that they won't f*ck this up, this time. And going back to Sweet Amoris, well, I truly missed this place! And the teachers... And Kiki. I wonder, when it will be released and will Beemoov finally open up about telling us surnames and ages of love interests. Anyway, I want to believe they learnt from their mistakes.

In the end. Thank you, My Candy Love, for creating so many memories. I will be forever grateful. 

(I just re-read this post and it seems like I have really love-hate relationship with this game)

[alsaurus-loves-dean]

okay i'm sorry in advance for this vent, but i have a shitton of thoughts about the absolute mountain of vitriol being thrown at jensen, and i want to say thank you so much for putting your neck out there and being so calm and sane about it. i think it's ridiculous that the conversation is basically only on jensen and not on j*red's extremely shitty and offensive and hurtful rant. jensen did the best he could with the stressful, uncomfortable situation he was given. do i think his answer was perfect? no, i don't, but i think it was definitely on a great track, and i have a HUGE issue with what people are saying about this. why does it have to be about sex? i don't personally really hc cas as ace, but i know a lot of people do, and i actually see him as demi, most of the time. attacking jensen and saying the reason why he chose to avoid the topic by saying it was "undefinable" and "didn't include lust" (which. jesus, that was a GENERAL thought, it was the fact that romantic doesn't necessarily mean lustful, and that was a great point to make) was because he "thinks gay men having sex is gross" genuinely fills me with so much discomfort. i'm a bi guy, so i perfectly understand the issue of society portraying gay sex as gross. yes. thank you, i live it every day. but why would a love that is all-encompassing, that goes beyond what we could possibly understand, and doesn't necessarily include lust, be deemed "less-than"? why are people angry about it? jensen's answer wasn't complete, both because he doesn't necessarily understand cas' character as much as misha does, and because of j*red's interruption, but i agreed with him on a lot of points. i find it hurtful that cas' queer love (because it was about love, the conversation was about Love, not whatever other feelings cas may have for dean, which includes lust. again, romance =/= lust.) is downplayed by the fandom. loving beyond comprehension, as an angel, is a positively beautiful thought. loving a man, as a non-binary cosmic entity, so much that it can't be described by human terms, is a beautiful thought. LOVING FOR THE SAKE OF LOVING is a beautiful thought, and sex has no place here. yes i do think "carnal desires" are also present in the relationship. but i don't think it should be entered in the "love equation". queer love, in-and-of-itself, is beautiful. the confession scene wasn't about cas telling dean he wants to fuck him then and there. it was about love. and i find it hurtful to see that erased the second the conversation is solely about the concept of cas' love. then it becomes "suspicious", surely the reason behind talking candidly about a love confession *has* to be because he finds gay sex disgusting, right? it *has* to revolve around sex one way or another, and can't be about the sheer beauty of what the most powerful love in the universe can be like, and how hard a concept that would've been for dean to understand. naaahhhh. i'm demi, so it definitely hurts to see that in some way shape or form, a huge piece of my identity is seen as "not good enough", or even just "not enough" to be real. i'm tired of that. they say that removing lust from the equation infantilizes gay love? well i say, why are yOU infantilizing and downplaying queer acespec identities? there are adults out there, me included, who have been told we're childish, or ridiculous, for not feeling/not feeling a lot of lust. but it's not ridiculous. it's not childish. adult romantic love IS enough, and it IS valid. and in the case of cas, that love, whether or not it's paired with lust, IS special, and it IS incredible, and it IS enough, and it made me so happy to see jensen separate lust and love, and call cas' love beautiful. fuck off with your "okay but castiel has gay sex and jensen must find that disgusting if he doesn't agree". fuck. off. i'm genuinely sad and pissed off. why aren't we talking more about the first part of his answer? before j*red started a shitshow? why aren't we talking about the fact that jensen said dean didn't know *until the end*, implying he DID end up acting it as

though dean understood this was a declaration of love? because that, to me, was crucial. i'm just so tired of being told, directly or indirectly, that loving romantically or platonically isn't loving fully. that's it's not complete. that i, in turn, am not complete. they hc other characters as ace, but get upset when someone doesn't mention sex when talking about another character, proving the fact that they don't actually think a main character can love be fulfilled AND be ace, or demi, or aro. those are identities they slap onto the characters whose sex life they don't want to deal with, either because they don't like them, or find them childish. so yeah. jensen gave an unsurprisingly hazy answer, because this is in public, and he has to protect his career, and jared was there, and the cw, and whatever other bs restrictions were present in the room in spirit and physically, but i was content with it. of course dean and cas having gay sex doesn't make them disgusting, of fucking course not. if you find that idea freeing, then i am so glad you have an outlet to think about their relationship as centered around their sex life. i wholeheartedly disagree, i think there are a thousand other facets to their relationship, but if it makes you happy, then please go ahead. just don't fucking spit at me vicariously through a post about jensen because some people don't think about them the same way. (i'm using "you" but it's not directed at *you* you btw lmao) anyways. rant over i think. i'm sorry for how long it is kjfhjs

I’m sorry that this discourse has been especially difficult for you. 😔 Yours is a perspective I haven’t seen much throughout all of this, so thank you so much for explaining your thoughts in this message.

[gil-estel]

~✨gil-estel’s long-promised spn rec list✨~

the general criteria:

(all fic will fit at least one, many will fit most)

✓ long (10k+)

✓ published after 2017

✓ canon-verse

✓ plotty and/or casefic

✓ nuanced exploration of dean winchester’s bisexuality

the fics:

Bender by vipjuly (destiel, 13k, rated E)

In order to protect a sorority from a vampire, Dean allows Rowena to transform him into a girl so he can go undercover.

He's still Dean. Just in a female body.

This is surprisingly easy.

Build a Home by domesticadventures (destiel, 20k, rated T)

After they save the world, Dean expects Cas to come back to the bunker with them.

He doesn’t.

Everything Comes Back to You by VioletHaze (destiel, 33k, rated E)

Dean knew better. Of course he did. But Cas seemed so charmed by the antique-filled bed and breakfast that Dean went along with it when the proprietor mistook them for a couple. Telling himself it gave them a strategic advantage to be so close to the crime scene, he agreed to the weekend special she offered them. When the case ended up being a bust, they stuck around anyhow because hey, the second night was free…

it never gets dark by vaudelin (destiel, 30k, rated E)

Normally Dean wouldn't get out of bed for a run-of-the-mill kidnapping, even without the hangover, but when Sam can't even write out the missing kid's name, he has to admit something's up.

Helping Sam, Patience, and Claire figure out who (or what) erased all traces of the kid is as good a distraction as any to get over Cas bailing from an abortive love confession. But when finding answers comes at a terrible physical price, the team is left with no choice but to call in any help they can get.

Like it or not, Dean and Cas have some uncomfortable truths to confront, and when worst comes to worst they'll discover what truly matters in the end.

Kelp! I Need Somebody by andimeanittosting (destiel, 27k, rated E)

It’s been a week since Michael was defeated and Dean freed, but Castiel can’t seem to get back on the horse. Dean, on the other hand appears to have bounced back completely, with one small exception: he no longer dares touch the now-human Cas at all.

When they receive a call from Jesse and Cesar to come investigate a series of mysterious drownings near their New Mexico ranch, Dean jumps on the job, much to Cas and Sam’s dismay. But more challenging than the kelpie they encounter, Jesse and Cesar’s relationship holds up a mirror, showing Dean and Cas the future they wish they could have. When Rowena and Charlie get involved, a shake-up is inevitable.

let me lay here so slow (i need never get old) by vaudelin (gen & bg destiel, 10k, rated G)

The day of Dean's fortieth birthday, told from Lebanon's point of view.

like moses and batman and james dean by saltyfeathers (destiel, 31k, rated E)

dean used to turn tricks. over a decade later, he met cas.

One Cold Night by xylodemon (destiel, 16k, rated E)

"Dean, are you all right?"

"Yeah. I'm just —" Dean shivers again. His teeth clack together. "Jesus Christ, it's cold."

So Goes the Song by aeli_kindara (dean/lee webb, 21k, rated E)

The first time Lee meets Dean Winchester, it’s courtesy of a chokehold.

Someone Who’s Feeling For Me by ellispark (destiel, 46k, rated M)

Dean sees her for the first time in nearly six years in some no-name town in Idaho, and it's panic at first sight.

Lisa Braeden, the one woman Dean ever actually had a shot at a real life with, back from where he buried her in his mind. And her hand is on Cas's arm like it's no big deal, like it belongs there. Cas, Dean's dorky, sweet, badass, angelic best friend, and he's just standing there next to Lisa and not moving her hand away.

Dean feels the jealousy rising, and it's not directed where he expected it to be. Because it takes this exact moment for Dean to realize he's in love with his best friend. He's in love with his best friend, and Lisa is looking at Cas like he's the best thing since automatic rifles, and Dean is utterly fucked.

Suck It, Judy Garland by midrashic (destiel, 20k, rated M)

It had to be St. Louis. Or, the one where Sam and Cas get fake married for a case, and Dean loses his mind.

Superheroes by aeli_kindara (dean/omc, 4k, rated T)

"I fuckin' hate group projects."

Dylan gives Dean a wary glance. He gets it — he’s not the biggest fan of these things himself. But when you’re a group of two, “I fuckin’ hate group projects” is awful close to “I fuckin’ hate working with you.”

In which a teenage Dean Winchester makes a friend and leaves something behind, and Sammy doesn't know when to shut up.

Talkin’ Bear Mountain Picnic by MittenWraith (destiel, 41k, rated E)

Strange things were happening in a small town in Northern Maine that had gained a reputation as the most honest town in the world in only a matter of weeks. Residents were going out of their way to confess their sins-- everything from jaywalking to murder, infidelity to true love. Sam, Dean and Cas all have their own reasons for wanting to stay far away from an honesty curse, but with Jack and his natural bluntness serving as their last line of defense, they decide to investigate. The last thing they need is another Veritas situation on their hands. The honest little town might be enjoying their newfound liberty to speak their minds, but the cause of this particular curse might prove to be Dean and Cas’s undoing.

The Thirty Six Questions That Lead to Love by aeli_kindara (destiel, 13k, rated M)

“So I need you to be my gay dads,” says Claire.

Though The Course May Change by imogenbynight (destiel, 51k, rated E)

After a couple who went missing several years ago from an Oregon couples retreat are mysteriously returned on the same night that another disappears, Dean and Charlie plan to go undercover to find the cause--until Dean's foot meets his mouth, and he finds himself fake-engaged to Castiel instead.

The Tunnel of Love by xylodemon (destiel, 21k, rated E)

"We might," Cas starts slowly, pausing like he's choosing his words. "We might have to kiss."  

Dean just stares at him.

You Start to Grow Wings by FagurFiskur (dean/omc & destiel, 11k, rated T)

Dean feels his face warm up, suddenly all too aware that he’s sitting right next to his very male friend. He can’t make himself look over, too nervous that he’ll catch Eli’s eye and make this whole experience even more excruciatingly awkward. He wants to leave, but he also doesn’t wanna call attention to how uncomfortable he is.

He’s known gay people exist of course, but he’s never seen them outside of Very Special Episodes on sitcoms. Never seen something so explicitly, in-your-face gay.

At seventeen, Dean falls for another man for the first time. Twenty years later they happen to meet again and things are somehow much more complicated.

[choruscas]

suptober day 09: electric

please let me know if you’d like to be added to my tag list! (or removed if you prefer) it tags you in all my short stories like these so you never miss them!

-

Dean stared at his computer, trying to do research. Now he meant trying for a reason.

Trying as in, attempting to do something but completely failing because a celestial being with an extremely hot body just got done fucking working out. The way he walked out, sweat beading his grey shirt and sweeping through, out of breath and drinking water like it was nobody’s business, was so human that it ached his heart.

Jesus Christ, he was going to hell.

Again.

Maybe Castiel could pull him out of perdition again. Maybe grip him somewhere more intimate than his shoulder.

Woah.

Okay, anyways. Dean was scratching the back of his neck as a Castiel sat down in the chair, sighing with relief that he got to finally sit down. The hunter could see the angel’s biceps, which were veiny with exhaustion and Dean’s knees buckled, and he wasn’t even standing.

Dean swallowed, and proceeded to glue his eyes on his computer screen.

Reports from within the tulpa community suggest that these skills, once learned by the host, can be taught to tulpas, allowing them to manifest autonomously and initiate communication with the host whenever they please. Yep. Yuh huh. The core of a tulpa, and what differentiates it from a traditional imaginary friend, is the sense of disassociation between its and the host's conscious experiences. Totally.

Okay, Dean will admit, he wasn’t comprehending what he was reading. Instead, he was watching Castiel as he drank his water, some trickling down his chin. He wiped the water off his face using the bottom of his shirt, revealing a tan sliver of his stomach.

Holy fuck. That was hot.

Castiel ran his fingers through his hair, trying to make a mess of his natural sex hair which Dean would love to pull.

Dean had enough of it. “Cas, you alright?” he asked, peering over the laptop to see his thick thighs in shorts.

Castiel sighed, running another set of five digits through his hair. “Yes. I have come to find that exercise is very relaxing, but the aftermath is uncomfortable.”

“You’re tellin’ me.” he replied with a smirk. “What did you do?”

The angel looked up, contemplating and calculating what he did. In all honesty, he probably did a fuckton which would drag Dean in the dirt compared to what he could limit himself to.

The October air was cool and crisp, and the air conditioning was on at about 72°. Normally it was around mid-sixties, but the bunker got cold easily, so the air outside affected it mightily. Sam had complained that it was too hot, but Dean had argued and said he was older, so he got dibs on the AC.

“About two-hundred ten push-ups, um... seventy bench presses - which I think weighed approximately a ton - and a plank for fifteen minutes. Not too bad.” Castiel smiled thinly. “It has been a while since I have worked out, so I’m starting out slow.”

Dean’s eyeballs nearly fell out of his sockets, staring at Castiel like he had two heads. In all honesty, his true form probably had two heads, but when Dean had asked before, Castiel had simply blushed and left the room.

The hunter coughed into his fist. “Yeah. Not too bad. Good job, buddy.” he said, voice straining because the piercing blue eyes were staring at him like he hung the moon and stars, with such content that it made Dean wanna get get on his knees.

And it may or may not be because of the thought of Castiel working out was so numbfucking hot that it made his brain rot.

He nodded. “Thank you, Dean.” Castiel replied sincerely.

-

Castiel had left the room to do whatever healthily-bodied angels do — thanks a fuckin’ lot Sammy, now Cas is a health freak — and Dean continued his research. He grabbed a bottle of beer from the kitchen to drown out whatever the fuck gay thoughts he had for that man, like he normally did.

Fuck. Dean had always known he was bi, but he didn’t know how Sam would feel about it, or Castiel, in that matter. Could angels be homophobic? Fallen angels? He didn’t think so, but he didn’t want to risk being shunned by the people he loved.

And... were in love with.

But that wasn’t the point, what the point was is that Dean may or may not have been having a major bi panic because—

Oh. Fuck.

“Dean?”

Castiel had walked out into the crow’s nest wearing nothing but a towel around his waist. His hair was soaked with water that was messier than Dean had ever seen it. His hipbones were sharp with healthiness and exercise, and Dean felt as if he could slice his fingers on the V-line once he got his hands on them.

His skin was so tan and his whole body was just absolute perfection.

Practically wiping away the drool from his mouth, Dean shook his head. “Uh— what’s up, Cas?”

His eyes were practically glued on his chest, thoughts of... things filled his head and heart precariously.

Suddenly his pants hardened with want for the angel. He couldn’t control it and he grabbed one of his books and hastily put it on his lap, nearly dropping it in the process.

“I left my clothes inside of the dryer and when I went to go get them, somebody took them.”

Thank God for little brothers.

“I think Sam must’a took ‘em. He’s... uh— he’s not here anymore. Probably practicing some sign language with Eileen.” Dean thinned his lips and nodded.

He then forced himself to look back at his book, his arm flat on the table and his fingers on the edge of the page.

He couldn’t. He couldn’t give in to the temptation. Rejection was one of his fears, and who knows what would happen to his heart if Castiel rejected him. His mind would be flooded with guilt and the angel probably couldn’t look at him the same again. If that happened, Dean’s heart would be shattered and nothing else would matter anymore. Castiel was his everything, and he couldn’t just throw it away because Castiel’s humanism tendencies got the best of him.

“I— uh... I hope you find your clothes...” Dean closed his book shit and began to stand up.

Going to the hallway past a Castiel, Dean practically dragged himself over to his room.

Before he walked too far, somebody had grabbed his shoulder.

“Dean.”His favorite whiskey voice, tinged with the fabric of leather and the smell of black coffee called his name. The way the angel said his name made his bones rattle,

The touch was electrifying.

Dean turned and was met face to face with the oceanic blue eyes that he couldn’t get enough of. The pink lips that he’s always wondered what it would taste like, and the soft skin he always craved to feel.

He found out later that night.

Perfect.

(tags below)

@potato-painter