#clocks.source.vent

[diaryofclockwork]

Home is where the trees surrounding his cabin sway in the wind, the snow piles outside, and the lights flicker occasionally but the fireplace crackles on.

Home is where I'm sat on the couch in 3 layers of blankets and my love is holding me knowing full well no matter how many times I call his neediness cringe, I want nothing more than to be held by him.

Home is where we compare scars and laugh at the dumb ways we got hurt in the first place, using it as an excuse to feel each other's touch.

Home is where my love and I are away from the world that othered us and hurt us, wrapped in each other's safety and comfort while maintaining witty, sarcastic banter and teasing.

Home is where I am safe, and he is where I am safe.

I miss Toby. The Toby I called home.

[diaryofclockwork]

Being a source connected fictive of Clockwork, and watching all the wlw creepypasta lovers climb out of the woodwork for pride month and rant about how hot my source makes my spiral a bit if I'm being honest. Also, I don't need a lecture on source separation if you read this, trust me I do that on my own, I just need to rant.

Sometimes I wonder if my innerworld self, MY body, the one that looks so so similar to the Clockwork everyone sees in fanart of my source.. is that body as desirable as my source seems to be? Am I attractive like she is, or could I ever be?

TW: SA mention, self destruction, body dysmorphia

If I was the "real" or source Clockwork would they still appreciate my body, as dirty and vile as I feel it is? If they saw me would they think I was beautiful despite my trauma visible on my skin? Would they tell me I was wrong if I told them I felt awful about my body?

I hate looking at somebody who I know is not really me, but I see myself so clearly. But it's a before picture, before my trauma can be seen on my body. Everyone loves the before picture of me, darkly aesthetic with smooth skin and pretty, fresh scars. But would they even look at the after picture? The one that's past the point of no return?

Clockwork with scars that aren't so easy to romanticize anymore, didn't heal in pretty lines but rather jagged and rough ones. Clockwork who sees her hips and waist and wants to cry, her torso and chest and shoulders make her want to be swallowed by the earth? Clockwork with dry and blemished skin from not wanting to undress so she doesn't shower regularly enough? Clockwork with scabs and unhealed holes in her flesh from digging at her skin? Clockwork with angry red marks on her body from spending hours in the bathroom trying to wash away the feeling of the wrong person's hands on her body, the red marks and scratches from overuse of a loofah, a cleaning brush made for surfaces much harder than human skin, and her own nails – jagged and ugly from being torn apart by her teeth in anxiety?

Would someone still be able to look at me and go, "She IS sexy," despite my hatred for myself, the traumatic defilement of my child self, and what the result has done to my body? Because I can barely look in a mirror without wanting to shatter it.

But people still see my source as sexy, attractive, beautiful. And I feel so much like her, I can't imagine her being so different to me. So.. do I have the potential to be that way? Desirable? Do I have that already and just not know it? Am I beautiful?

Thanks for reading all this bullshit if you get this far. I'm being overly sensitive I know, taking it all too personally haha.

[diaryofclockwork]

We got a giraffe plushie yesterday, and I cannot begin to express the complicated feelings I have on this. One one hand, due to my source I associate the giraffe plushie with lost innocence and love I never felt I recieved from the people in my life, and how despite the kind things people can give you they can still be cruel and abusive.

On the other hand, he's a giraffe. With a cute face. Little friend. Never done wrong in his life. I love him. Also I fucking love giraffes.

[diaryofclockwork]

Happy Valentine's day to everyone who hates the fucking holiday because the whole day is a traumatic memory for you.

I don't want your flowers, your cards, your chocolates. I don't want your hugs, your kisses, your touches that will inevitably lead to you pressuring me onto my knees because it's what you deserve for celebrating the day with me despite me hating every moment of it.

I don't want your meaningless objects and your stupid expectations.

I just want to wake up and not think about what day it is and what it means. I just want to have a normal day, where I don't think about it, and I go to sleep at night to wake up the next morning with anything on my mind other than "364 days until I do it all over again."

[diaryofclockwork]

Hey, I'm Clockwork.

I'm an adult introject in a 22 year old OSDD1b system of the creepypasta character Clockwork / Natalie Ouellette. This blog is about everything that comes with that — from source memories to fantasizing about source, my experiences as a fictive, and my experiences as a protector. Although most things are on the table.

Please call me Clockwork, use she/her pronouns, and feel comfortable to talk to me, I don't bite unless you do.

Much more information about me, triggering content, tagging, my system's main blog, and more are under the cut.

My past in my system is complicated, but all you need to know is I am the primary protector and though I connect deeply with my source I know I'm not actually her in real life. My life IRL revolves around what's best and safest for my system, and rarely if ever I have the chance to even think about my own needs, wants, desires.

This side blog is here to act as an out for my personal thoughts and feelings, many of which revolve around my source. This is not a roleplay blog, I'm not pretending to be the actual or the "real-life Clockwork", I just am what I am and need an out to talk about it.

Know that though I accept minors interacting now, this blog was not made for minors or people in vulnerable mindsets.

Trigger Warnings may apply to my blog.

My blog sometimes contains content about violence, dark impulses, sex, sex crimes, mental health and illness, and many other potentially triggering subjects. I will be talking about my trauma here.

This is not a completely SFW and completely minor-friendly blog, and it is not made to be viewed in vulnerable states of mind. This blog won't be majorly NSFW but may contain those topics. Minors may interact due to this but tread lightly and be aware not everything here is meant for you. If you see something marked mature, no you didn't. Scroll past.

Just because I have an impulse or thought or fantasy doesn't make it okay for me or anyone to act on it, and doesn't make me likely to act on it either.

Tags List:

#clocks.casual -> Just talking, or anything not fitting into other tags.

#clocks.a.simp -> Forgetting my filter I use IRL and just being an idiot who goes hard when she likes things.

#clocks.dysphoric -> Talking about BIID and anything considered atypical dysphoria in myself.

#clocks.source -> Talking about source.

#clocks.source.vent -> Venting about source.

#clocks.vent -> Non-source vents, may be TW.

#clocks.nsft -> Anything NSFW, may be TW, minors shouldn't be on my blog anyway but minors DNI with this especially.

#clocks.mind -> Anything directly mental health/illness related, probably TW.

#clocks.kills.tw -> Anything violence related. Heavy TW.

#clocks.nsft.tw -> Anything sex trauma related. Heavy TW.

Disclaimer about my "main blog".

My system's main blog is @sillyguystrawb and in it you'll see a lot of creepypasta stuff on it and the affiliated blog @deadrose-compound. Don't take anything said there as accurate to me, my source memories, or anything like that. I am very separated from those blogs except when I follow/like from our main blog. I don't use those blogs for the most part and other alters don't speak for me - only the characters they like. I find this completely acceptable because they and I have come to an agreement that they're talking about the fictional characters and not me really. Even their headcanons for my source aren't accurate to how I am as a fictive. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.

And just so we're clear, I block freely.

I don't support harassment at all, and don't want to fight anyone, so just expect to be blocked if you are listed in our main blog's pinned post block criteria