#comparing how stories are told in different mediums and expecting them to be the same is never fair

[bidembi]

I’m starting to see the rwrb movie hate pop up “the actors aren’t (out) gays so they shouldn’t have been cast” “the movie was watered down to be made for the straights” blah blah blah.

Don’t make assumptions.

Don’t let someone’s bullshit get in the way of something you enjoy.

Don’t let anyone’s hate make you feel invalidated.

[thecreaturecodex]

got any advice for new DMs? I've been playing as a PC for quite a while but I am nervous about running my first campaign

First order of business: don't panic.

Being a GM can be stressful. But at the end of the day, everyone around the table is there for the same reason; to have a good time playing pretend with their buddies.

I started GMing in a completely different age. Literally 25 years ago this year. So I imagine that some of the stresses and expectations that are on GMs now are different than they when I started. Like, I started running the Dungeons and Dragons in the 3.0 era for power hungry teenagers, who were often trying to see what mechanical tricks they could get away with to deal 500 damage in a round by level 10. Nowadays, for running D&D at least, one of the biggest worries I see from novice DMs is that their game won't live up to the expectations set by Let's Play series like The Adventure Zone, Dimension 20 and Critical Role.

Your game is not Critical Role. And that's okay. The high profile Let's Plays are scripted series made by entertainment professionals to appeal to a wide audience. Your game just has to make the 4-7 people around your table happy, including you.

So my first piece of concrete advice? Manage your expectations. My second piece of advice? Stick to 6 players max.

My third piece of advice is to figure out what you want from your game. Figure out what the overall tone of your game is, and what you want to accomplish with it. Do you want your game to be combat heavy? RP heavy? Lots of exploration and puzzles? A story with specific narrative beats? A more casual hang-out vibe sort of game? Should the characters come to the table with goals and backstories, or is this the sort of game where "Carric the Cleric; they heal people" is enough?

And then let your players know. One of my least pleasant recent GMing experiences was for a Pathfinder game where none of the players really knew what they were getting into. It was Ironfang Invasion, and the players voted to go for it, when I told them that it was going to be combat heavy, exploration medium, RP light. And then they proceeded to be unhappy with how much combat there was compared to RP. I tried to rebalance things, to some success, but that game fell apart anyway. In large part due to a player who refused to learn the Pathfinder 1e rules and resented that they weren't those of their preferred gaming system.

Some people just like to complain. So try to screen for those folks ahead of time. Personally, I prefer to be friends with someone first before running a game for them, because the vast majority of the player/GM conflicts I have had have occurred with people who I only sort of knew.

Also, on a related note, check for specific triggers, especially if you're running a published Pathfinder AP, because those tend to be Hard R content. One of the players in that Ironfang game I had been playing with for like two years at that point, he loved violent combat... but had a very specific trigger about skinning that I didn't know about. Running a module where the main villain's gimmick is that he skins his enemies. Whoops.

My last piece of advice is don't go into every game expecting it to be a long running story, especially if you're a brand new GM. Start with a one or two shot. If the players like it, figure out what they especially liked and lean into it. If they didn't, pivot.

GMing is absolutely a skill that develops with practice. So don't be afraid to practice! Have fun, and good luck.

[thefirejournals]

Go Make a Legacy

Two months into living on the surface in Austria, Wingding and I decided to live permanently in Annecy. Q and Juliet decided to join us, and our boys weren’t far in Austria if we wanted to be with them for a few days. It hadn’t been a very hard decision, Austria was crowded and loud, and whenever Germany was mentioned Dings made a show of changing the subject back to Annecy.

Sera, Gautier, and I had grown up in the lakeside city, and even two centuries ago it had been a tourist attraction. It was nothing compared to what it’d turned into, however. The quiet town had blossomed into a beautiful resort city with more hotels and restaurants than anyone could really count. The peaceful city of my childhood was busier and more crowded than ever, but still held the charm and wonder from before. It had expanded across the valley, around the lake, everywhere it hadn’t been while I was still growing up.

Our old neighborhood had been destroyed when we had been evacuated, and since built over. That was blatantly visible even as you drove along the mountain into the city. I had held onto hope that our homes had survived, but there had never been any chance. So, the short lived dream of returning to my family’s home was gone, but Dings and I had managed to find somewhere just as good. It was near the local schools that had been built while we were underground, and honestly not that far from the edge of my old neighborhood. The old diner would have been within walking distance if I would have gathered the nerve to go see if it were still there.

We’d settled into our new home easily, using the gold we had from our respective jobs Underground, trading it for human money. A human banker with a bit too much greed in his eyes for my tastes helped us out, and got the job done despite my dislike of him. Between Dings and myself we had more than enough funds to settle into a home and begin establishing ourselves on the surface. While Dings was still recovering from what we’d called “void sickness,” I’d taken a job at a nearby restaurant, just as a line cook, to keep income flowing and get some roots dug back into Annecy. Even though it bothered him, I’d told Dings that I wasn’t expecting him to work at all until he’d recovered, and I was prepared to take care of everything. He had a hard time taking that, he hated being dormant so very much. But with his legs literally not working, there wasn’t really anything he could do. Luckily, Q had the brilliant suggestion of him doing a few courses online to get Dings on track to becoming a teacher.

We’d discussed it - him signing and me hoarsely translating to a slightly drunk bird - before even moving to France, and Dings had decided he no longer wanted to be the Royal Scientist, but he did want to remain in the field. The happiest medium for him ended up being a teaching position, and he lit up at the prospect once Q suggested it. As for me, I don’t really know how to do anything outside of a kitchen, so I was perfectly fine staying in one. I was good at it, comfortable with it, so I went ahead and got the certifications and training I was asked to and went right back to work. The only difference was I wasn’t at the bar, and the building didn’t have my name on it. Having been in the business for so, so long, I shook my head at a lot of the things the other chefs did, but it wasn’t my place to say anything as an entry level line cook.

We managed like this for a year or two, Dings tapping away at his essays and reports while I snoozed away in my chair after the dinner service. The same year Dings finished his courses was the year I proposed to him, and we got married not long after. That’s a story I’m happy to tell, but after I finish this one. 

We’d been in Annecy for roughly two and a half years at the time, and that was when I finally worked up the courage to drive through our old neighborhood to see what had become of it. All the streets remained, the physical layout of the neighborhood had not changed. The buildings had, though, of course. Driving past where my family’s home used to sit, especially wearing Gautier’s coat while doing it, was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. Sera had decided to stay in Austria as well and continue her work as a translator, so she wasn’t able to make this little journey with me. That made it all the harder.

I paused in front of the lot our house used to sit on long enough for the fact the building I was staring at wasn’t my old home to sink in, then restarted my car and headed down an all too familiar path. Even now, so many years later, I’m still not entirely sure why I took the one turn that would take me to the diner and not home to Dings, but I’m still completely fine with that split second decision. Taking a left instead of a right after sitting at the corner for a good three minutes, I held my breath.

It’s not there, there’s no way, there is not any way, no chance. My thoughts went on in that loop, and I pulled over across the street from the diner’s lot. I couldn’t look to my right, I could not. I stayed inside the car and stared out the passenger side window, out towards a building I had never seen, one that had been built while I was Underground. I may have sat there for at least fifteen minutes before a text message brought me out of my thoughts and I finally shook myself out of it. Glancing at my phone quickly, I answered Q’s query as to when I’d be home then finally looked up. 

What I found was a low brick building, standing the middle of the parking lot, a few people coming out of the door holding to-go boxes.

It’s still here.

I stared in awe, watching customers move around and be seated, eat with their families, just in general be happy and enjoy their meals. It was like nothing had changed besides the parking lot and the clothes the customers were wearing. I couldn’t be completely sure until I got a closer look, but it even looked like the staff was wearing the same or similar uniforms. I couldn’t stop a laugh at that, and so I put a hand over my mouth to catch it. Silly of me, now that I think about it, since I was alone in my car.

It took a few more minutes for me to do it, but I gathered up the courage and got out of the car, quickly darting across the street to the edge of the parking lot and staring at the building I’d practically lived in for nearly 30 years. I don’t think I breathed.

I can’t believe it’s still standing so many years later. I always just assumed we had lost everything. It always seemed like the most logical explanation given what all had happened. 

I was startled out of my thoughts by a car pulling into one of the parking spaces next to me, and shuffled out of the way to let the mother of the family open her door. Over the years we’d been on the surface, I’d gotten used to dirty looks and barely lowered voices offering up snide remarks and comments, so I was surprised when all she did was give me a friendly smile and move to release her child from their carseat. I offered a much shyer one back and took a breath before finally heading into the building. The door had been replaced however long ago, to keep up with security and other technological advances, but it was roughly the same weight and still swung the same way. It felt just like walking in decades, centuries ago. Almost like traveling in time. It was strange, but also pleasant. I had been working in the diner Underground for 200 years, it wasn’t as if I had been out of the industry. But walking into this diner, this building that I had grown up in, was an entirely different experience. 

So many memories came flooding back as I slipped in and looked around. Not much had changed on the inside either, besides obvious technological upgrades and ways to improve safety. The bar and dining room layout was the same, new tables and chairs of course, but everything was more or less in the same place. Even the color scheme had remained, but obviously been repainted. I guess the design my mother had come up with had stood the test of time. I stood for a moment inside the door until the hostess caught my attention.

“Ah… heh, excuse me, sir? Are you looking for someone?” She sounded a bit timid, but I couldn’t blame her. I was likely one of the only monsters she had ever seen up close. And I was, in fact, a walking flame. Even some monsters drew away from me still.

“Oh, no, apologies.” I slid out from in front of the door, making room for the family that had pulled into the parking lot. Luckily they already had people waiting for them, and I could keep the hostess’ attention. “I haven’t been here in a very long time, I thought I should come and see how things have changed.” 

When she tilted her head and furrowed her brow at me, I was suddenly and blatantly reminded of my accent and how it was bordering on three centuries old, and therefore not exactly easy to understand, even when we spoke the same language. With an apology, I spoke a little slower and she grinned back with a nod. 

“Ah! I see! How long has it been, monsieur?” She leaned on the host stand, grinning wide, and I  grinned back. It didn’t really matter if the friendliness was just for show, seeing two humans smile instead of withdraw in fear was a huge boost to my mood.

“Oh, heh, well…” my hand went to my headflames and I gave up calculating the exact number very quickly. “About two hundred years, honestly.” Blue streaked into my headflames at her reaction, wide eyes and jaw dropped.

“What? There’s no way, none! How old are you?” Her voice had raised half an octave and she was speaking faster, it was impossible to hold back a chuckle. 

“Heh, I’m bordering on three hundred now. Getting up there.” I glanced down, blue gathering into my headflames once more as my hand slid to the back of my neck. If the hostess’ eyes could have gotten bigger, they would have.

“That’s amazing! You’re totally the oldest person I’ve ever met!”

“Oh heavens. I can’t say I’m surprised.” The bell on the door chimed and I slid out of the way as the hostess regathered her composure to greet and seat the newcomers after a quick apologetic glance my way. I waved her on and decided to make my way over to the bar and find an empty stool. It seemed I’d come in the middle of a weekend rush, those odd ones in the middle of the afternoon when everyone got bored at home and decided that a diner was more interesting than a book or the radio. Or, well, I suppose the television or computer these days. Upon sitting at the bar, I was greeted with a friendly shout over the bartender’s shoulder.

“Sorry, one minute sir! I’ll be right with you!” He called over the sound of the blender, shooting a quick glance at me with a wide grin.

“No worries friend, I see it’s busy.” He grinned once more, thankfully, and returned to his blending. I settled on the stool, folding my hands together and resting my arms on the counter. The mirror behind the bar still existed, the shelves had been replaced with metal ones, but considering the length of time that had passed, that was unsurprising. I wouldn’t doubt it in the slightest if the wood had literally rotted away. It hadn’t exactly been new by the time we’d left it.

“Alright, bonjour, what can I do for you today Monsieur de Feu?” The bartender appeared in my vision as I glanced up, he was grinning away, obviously trying not to stare but failing at it. With a gentle chuckle I grinned back, speaking slower than normal since my accent had already confused the hostess.

“Bonjour, I was actually wondering if the owner was available? I would like to ask them some questions.”

The bartender furrowed his brow at me for a moment, and assuming it was over my request, I continued.

“You see, I used to work here, ages ago. I’d like to discuss the history-” “Oh, sir, of course, he will be glad to speak with you.” He waved his hand and picked up a glass to polish it. I held back a smirk of amusement, that was my go-to when speaking to customers. “I was just focusing on your accent, are you Canadian?” He glanced up and I blinked in confused for a moment, then laughed. “Oh, no, I am French, I was born here in Annecy. I was part of the group that was, ah… Underground.” My hand lifted to rub through my flames. It was hard to talk about what all had happened, you had no idea how anyone was going to react. A friendly smile could turn to a glare with just those words. Humans, it seemed, tended to hold grudges for things they hadn’t even personally been through. We were lucky there weren’t any humans still alive from the war. Thankfully the bartender just nodded and went back to polishing his glassware. 

“The owner is indeed here, he will likely be out in a moment to tell me to go take my break and that I’m working too hard.” He smirked softly, fondly, and looked back towards the kitchen as someone started laughing. It was a loud, booming, pure delight of a laugh and I couldn’t help but be reminded of my own father since that had been his laugh as well.

With an amused grin, I turned back to the bartender, “I know the feeling. My father was the same way.” “Well I like him already.” The bartender grinned, and looked back up as a figure came into view. He was about as tall as my eldest son, but much more round. His jovial voice betrayed the gruff demeanor that his bushy mustache and eyebrows gave off, and once he turned my way his large grin spread. Coming over, he clapped his bartender on the back in a familiar, fatherly way. “You’re working too hard. Get out of here, you’re overdue for your break.”

The bartender gave me a ‘see, I told you so’ smirk and nodded at his boss. “Oui, chef. I’ll take my ten.” He moved to put his rag and the glass he’d been polishing down, but the owner pulled both out of his hands and shooed him away. “Hah, alright, alright, I’m out!” The bartender held his hands up in surrender, nodding to me once more before slipping back into the kitchen.

“So what brings the husband of the Royal Scientist into my diner?” His grin was pleased but a bit shy, and to say I was shocked would have been an understatement. My face must have betrayed my bewilderment because the man started laughing and set the glass down. “You and your husband were all over the newspapers when that barrier broke, alongside the Royal Family. You’d be surprised how many people know your face.” “Heh, well, you’re right about that. I didn’t realize those pictures had gotten published. And, heavens, we weren’t even engaged back then. How did you kn- oh! That damn bird of mine put an announcement in the paper, that’s right.” I shook my head at the memory, Q laughing up a storm once I’d realized what they’d done. The owner chuckled, nodding.

“That ‘damn bird’ gave us a nice peek into the fact monsters are just like us. Helped… humanize? You lot a little more. For lack of better term, apologies.” “Ah no worries, I understand what you mean. Made us seem more real and not some scary story mothers use to make their children behave.” I chuckled and clasped my hands on the bar, leaning on my elbows. The owner had a slightly stricken look, and looked like he was worried he’d said something wrong, so I grinned. “All I mean is I’ve heard the stories people tell about Mt Ebbot. Frisk sat in my bar and told me all of them once when they were waiting for their mother to pick them up.” Another gentle grin and the owner calmed, returned it, and crossed his arms to lean against the back bar. The action was once again so reminiscent of my father and even myself that I cracked another grin.

“So what brings you into the littlest part of Annecy, sir?” “Well, actually…” I lifted a hand to rub through my flames, masking the bit of blue trying to peek through them. “My father used to own this diner. Back in…” I squinted into the liquor bottles, calculating years and time periods. “Up until 1915, when the war started.” I moved my gaze back to the owner, shyly, I didn’t know how he would react. But surprise of all surprises, he was grinning as if he had a secret.

“I knew your face looked familiar for reasons other than the newspaper.” He shoved off the bar and motioned for me to follow him. “I would love to show you what the first owners after your family found when they came in to clean the place up.”

I furrowed my brow and moved to stand, pausing next to the stool briefly. “Are you sure? I wouldn’t want to interrupt the dinner prep…” The owner laughed and waved me on again, so I smirked and followed him back to his little office. It looked much the same as it had two hundred years ago, with the addition of a computer and other updated electronics. “When the next owners were cleaning out the bar area, there were a lot of photographs stuck to the lower part of the mirror.” My eyes widened at the mention of the photographs, of course! It had been so long since I had thought of them! Even before the war they had been there long enough that they had become a part of the background, never thought about but always appreciated. When I broke out of my brief sentimental moment, the owner had set down an incredibly old box, almost as old as I was. I grinned and recognized it as one from the shoe store that had been in town ages upon ages ago. It had been taped and re-labeled a few times but it was unmistakable. 

“Oh, wow. Good heavens. What a relic.” I sat in the chair across from him at his motion, reaching for the box then pausing. “Oh, may I?”

“Hah of course! If I’m right, everything in it belongs to your family anyways.” He sat back in his chair with the most jovial grin, folding his hands over his stomach and nodding me along.

With another quick grin I pulled the box to my lap, lifting the lid gently, holding my breath before peeking under it. All my breath went out in shock.

On the very top of the short stack of photos, was one from the day Gautier had been shipped out to his location. My brother, in full uniform, looking away from the camera with a soft forlorn expression, taking in the little city he’d lived in all his life. 

“Oh… heavens…” “Is that someone you know?” The owner leaned over curiously and I turned the photo for him to see, a sad smile stretching on his face.. “It’s. My brother. I haven’t… I haven’t seen his face in two hundred years. And here it is, perfectly preserved.” Turning it back into my line of sight, I shook my head. “I honestly thought I would never see him or anything concerning him ever again.” I smirked, that was a bit of a lie since I still had his coat and wore it regularly, but it had become far more mine than his over the centuries.

“Well the family resemblance is definitely there, you two could be twins.” His smile was honestly infectious and it brought my own grin back.

“Oh, the resemblance between him and my sister is even more, they have the same color flames. It’s amazing how many times people thought those two were twins despite the height difference.” I set the picture of Gautier down with a chuckle, pushing aside a few bits of old paperwork that I’d take a better look at later. Underneath them, I grinned at another photo of Gautier, but this time surrounded by Sera and Mama. Pere had a photo of her in his wallet when we lost everything in the war, so her face had never left my memory. Seeing her with her children, however, was entirely different.

“Is that your family as well?” The owner’s voice jolted me out of my quiet reverie, and I looked up with a grin and quiet nod. “It’s my mother.” I turned that photo to him as well.

“Oh, you absolutely are her son.”

“Hah! I’ve heard that a lot.” I chuckled, setting that photo down as well. “I’m sure, the resemblance is uncan-” His attention shifted as his office door creaked open, the hostess’ head peeking around it.

“Pardon, chef, they need your help in the kitchen.” She looked as if she were holding back a laugh, and the owner smirked back. “Roland says it’s important.” 

“Oh, I’m sure he does, he always does. I’ll be there in a moment.” He nodded and the host trotted off away from the office, ready to absorb whatever drama was about to happen. The owner turned back to me with the same smirk and pushed out of his chair. “I had better go see what all the hubbub is about. Feel free to stay in here, everything in that box belongs to you and any other members of your family.” “Oh, thank you sir. That’s so kind of you. I won’t invade your space for long.” He laughed and waved my comment off as he walked out of the office.

“Don’t worry about it at all. If you wanted to, I’m sure you could find the paperwork to kick me out of here. So I had better stay on your good side.” His tone and grin assured me he was friendly and teasing, so the blue that flooded my flames dissipated quickly and I let my nerves out in a chuckle, relaxing back into the chair. I was left to poke through the shoe box, finding more photos of my family along with other bits of paperwork and trinkets I hadn’t thought about in ages. The wooden keychain that had held the spare keys was in the box, the keys obviously gone and likely replaced. Small toys left behind from customers’ children had been gathered into it as well, things from the era that belonged to my family but not to us. Goodness these are probably worth a fortune by now...

I heard uproarious laughter coming from down the hall, the kitchen, and I assumed it meant whatever drama had happened had been absolved. With a soft smirk, I started to gather everything back into the box, pausing as my phone buzzed in my pocket.

[When will you be home, my light?] It was from Dings, and I melted a bit at the mental image of him pouting at his phone because he didn’t know where I was. He was so adorable.

[I’m not sure, I’m finishing something up and then I need to stop by the store and also pick up Brelle, I’m asking her over for dinner tonight and Sera may be coming into town tomorrow as well.] I’d decided while texting him back that the other people in the photos needed to see them as well, so I’d call Sera on my way home and just swing by the Diva’s house as I went past it.

[Oh, alright, I’ll make sure we have a clean plate for her, and get the spare bed ready for Sera. Please be swift. I miss you.] The shyness was still so blatant in Dings’ messages, even after being married for this long, and I chuckled at it. He had always been shy but to watch him slowly work out of it was a treat and a blessing.

[As fast as I can, Dings darling. Have no fear. I’m bringing home a surprise too.] I finished off that text and pushed my phone back into my pocket, setting the lid on the box and tucking it under my arm. As I went to leave the office, the owner was coming back down the hall, and I waved at him.

“Ah, all done looking?”

“For now, I’m going to take it home and have my sister look through it as well.” “Wonderful! Bring your whole family in for dinner this weekend, I bet they’d love it.” “I’m sure they would!” I laughed lightly, imagining Sera and Brelle once more bickering across a table next to the window. “Oh I’m sure they would.” I paused, rubbing the back of my neck briefly, then looked up at the owner. “Say… you... wouldn’t happen to need a chef or a bartender... would you?” His grin could have lit a bonfire. “You know I think we just might.”

=========================

Hours later, after dinner and dessert and an impromptu performance of the aria from Phantom of the Opera from a ever so slightly drunk Brelle, I set the box in her lap without a word.

“My darling what is this? Did you dig up a two hundred year old pair of shoes for me?” Her chuckle was light and she pressed her fingers to her lips to muffle the hiccup that came after it. Perhaps more than slightly drunk. The moment she lifted the lid and saw the picture of Gautier I’d settled back on top, however, her eyes filled with tears. “Oh… Grillbert where did you… oh where was this oh my goodness….” The rest of the box was forgotten, set on the floor as she tenderly picked up the photo and held it up, her other hand still pressed to her mouth.

I grinned from my spot on the couch next to a similarly grinning Dings, I’d shown him the box already once I’d gotten home so he knew my plan. “Well. I went to the diner today.” Brelle looked up with a snap of her flames, eyes still teary but suddenly alert.

“It still stands!? Oh! Oh my heavens! I never even thought of looking, I never thought it would still be there since the rest of the neighborhood got burned, I always figured it was gone forever and we would nev-”

“Breathe, diva.” Dings’ voice was soft, as was the chuckle that followed, and Brelle shot him the softest glare I have ever seen in my life. 

“The diner still stands.” I leaned my head gently against Dings’ as Brelle stood and held the photo closer to the overhead light, squinting at it. 

“Oh he is still as handsome as ever.” She sighed, wistfully, longingly, and my soul sunk just a little with the sound. Brelle may have been mine and Sera’s best friend, but given the chance she would have leapt like the ballerina she was to be Gautier’s loving and devoted wife. “Oh how I wish it weren’t... just a photograph...” I nodded, closing my eyes for a moment.

“A photograph is far more than we had before.” Dings spoke once more, nuzzling against my cheek softly, and when I looked down he was smiling gently at Brelle.

“You are right, my Wingding, you are right.” Brelle hummed in thought and went back to the box, kneeling beside it on the floor to pick through the other photos, giggling at one of her and Sera. “Oh, I cannot wait until Sera sees these. She is coming in tomorrow, oui?” “She’s going to try. She’s very frustrated that I won’t spoil the surprise for her and am just forcing her onto an overnight train, but she apparently loves Dings enough to come see him.” I laughed as I remembered the phone call, Sera making sure I knew that she would never have done this if it had been just me and Brelle, but Dings made it a special case.

“I’m so flattered.” Dings chuckled against my shoulder.

“And I’m so hurt, wounded in fact. I will have to lament to her tomorrow.” Brelle made a face as she pulled another picture out of the box, tossing it to me. “Destroy that one. I do not care how.” Picking it up from the spot on the floor where it’d fell, I made the same face. It was a group shot from Brelle and I’s theatre days, almost our entire troupe. Most of the people in it we were still on good terms with. At least, those we knew were still alive. There was one person in it that we weren’t, and we had no idea what had happened to him.  “Oh, ew.” 

“Oui, ew. Get rid of his face.” “Who is it, my light?” Dings leaned over my shoulder to peek at the photo and I turned it to him, pointing to the flame near Brelle and I in it. 

“Reule.” “Yes, Reule! Get rid of him. He does not deserve to be with the rest of these happy memories.” Brelle hadn’t taken her eyes off the things she was sorting through, and I noticed the picture of Gautier had been set safely away on the chair.

“Haha, as my diva commands.” I handed the picture to Dings as he reached for it, leaning back against the couch. Dings squinted at the photo and nestled against my side.

“Reule? Should I know about him?” “Hm, no, likely not. That’s not a nice story. Is it alright if I tell you later? Unless you want to see Brelle angrier than ever before.” I grinned up at her then ducked behind Dings’ skull as she shot me a glare.

“Save it for later then, let her sort through the happy pictures.” He tossed the picture lightly onto the end table, out of Brelle’s sight, and rested his head on my shoulder. “Are there any of Yves? I have the one I took Underground, that’s the only one we’ve ever had.” “Ah yes, yes, so many of dear Yves. Plenty of sweet Lara as well. Darling woman, goddess Lara.” Brelle flicked through the photos and pulled one out of my parents together, one Gautier had sneakily taken of them with their heads together and quietly whispering. 

“Oh, heavens, how lovely.” Dings grinned and reached for it, curling back to my side with it. I rested my head on his to look at it better.

“Gautier got in trouble for that, until Mama convinced Pere that it was a wonderful moment and should have been captured.”

“Gautier was right.” Dings nodded, setting the photo back into Brelle’s outstretched hand. It seemed she was in the process of sorting them by subject. Family pictures here, solo pictures there, pictures of Pere and Mama over here.

“He was right about everything.” “Pff, Brelle, your hero worship has not ended.” “Oh, well excuse me my darling, for believing in a man who protected his neighborhood while others ran scared.” She flipped her flames back, huffing and glaring briefly in my direction before turning her attention to the paperwork in the box.

“Gautier protected your neighborhood?” Dings asked quietly, and I nodded. “He saved me and Sera from some guards and a mage. The firewall he created held off a good number of the forces even after we got away. That’s what Sera told me, at least. I was unconscious at that point.” 

“Perhaps Brelle’s hero worship is well placed then.” Dings grinned, chuckling softly.

“It is! See, Grillbert, this is why we want to talk to your husband more than you.” Brelle swept the photos together without ruining her sorting and deposited them back in the box, standing to bring the paperwork over to me.

“Oh, perhaps I’ll just go to sleep for the night then.” I grinned up at her and shifted as she flopped down on the couch against my other side. 

“You shall not. You shall read that paperwork and see if any bit of it is the deed to the diner.” 

“Oh that’s likely still there, in the safe. They’d need the deed to give it to new owners over two hundred years.” “Oh! Fine! The original sale then! Anything to get the diner back under the Chaleureux name.” 

“That isn’t a bad idea, really. Owning a diner or bar is what you’re used to. You said you didn’t really want anything else.” Dings had taken the first paper out of the stack from me and was looking it over, squinting at the French he was slowly learning.

“Well, I did ask the owner if he needed any help.” “What did he say? Are you going to go back to your home, my darling?” Brelle looked at me from where her head rested on my shoulder, and I ruffled her headflames.

“I am. He needs some help in the kitchen and at the bar, and since I’m used to doing everything on my own, I think I can handle it.”

“Oh how lovely. Back where you belong.” Brelle was smoothing her flames out and grinning, and when I looked over at Dings I was rewarded with his own soft grin.

“Right back where you belong.”

“With you.” I whispered. Dings’ blush made me grin, and I slid my hand in his to lift and kiss his knuckles softly. “Oooooh heavens.” Brelle giggled on my other side, and Dings covered his now purple face with a laugh. “You two are cavity inducing, far too sweet.” She pushed herself off the couch and strode over to the kitchen, picking up the wine bottle where she’d left it. “I am going to drink the rest of this wine if you do not stop me.” “By all means, diva, finish it off. Stay here tonight and greet Sera when you arise from your beauty sleep.” 

“I shall then.” “Hehe, you’re more than welcome anytime, Brelle.” Dings leaned forward to kiss between my eyes softly, then stood himself, leaning against the couch and making his way to the kitchen much more slowly than Brelle had. His legs had been working again, for awhile now, but he was still being careful just in case. “Pour me a glass too, won’t you?”

“Oui, mon chérie, oui. Pour vous.” 

I chuckled and settled back down on the couch, paging through the paperwork Brelle had handed me. A few bills, likely unpaid, forever unpaid, and a list of tabs from the week before the war. Also likely unpaid. I smirked at the thought and flipped through a few more pages, finally settling on one and squinting at it. 

“Huh, I… guess I was wrong.” “What’s that, my darling?” Brelle called, and when I looked over the couch I saw them both looking at me curiously.

“The deed was in the box.” I held it up, and Brelle laughed and pointed at it.

“I told you! You have to go claim the building now!” Brelle’s triumphant laughter spread to Dings and he started giggling into his wine. I smirked and looked back at the paper.

“Well, I guess it wouldn’t hurt to talk about it…”

[maoist-mizer]

Mid-Year Book Freakout 2023

tagged by my beloved, @hauntedmoors 🫀

1. Best book you’ve read so far this year?

Probably We Have Always Lived in the Castle by Shirley Jackson. I was already familiar with her since I remember reading The Lottery in high school, but this story really blew me away. I can’t wait to tuck into more of her writing, and just in general more gothic fiction, and just the weird and freakish overall.

2. Best sequel you’ve read so far this year?

I haven’t read many novel sequels this year, and none of them stuck out so I can’t really list anything. But I would say the second saga of Chainsaw Man, as a sequel, has been a highlight.

3. New release you haven’t read yet?

I’m such a loser, I literally got A Day of Fallen Night signed in person by beloved Samantha Shannon and I still haven’t read it yet 😭😭😭

4. Most anticipated release for the second half of the year?

I don’t really keep up to date with upcoming releases, I just find out Somehow like through tumblr or my Goodreads mutuals, but I do know that the next Heartstopper volume is out sometime this year, so I’m looking forward to that.

5. Biggest disappointment?

I have three for this: Before the Coffee Gets Cold by Toshikazu Kawaguchi, Pet Sematary by Stephen King, and Vengeful by V. E. Schwab.

BtCGC was immensely boring, especially the writing — I guess you could say it’s own hype killed it for me. I heard that it was initially a play, or something along the lines of that? If so, then I think I can confidently say that with how it was written, it did not suit the medium.

Pet Sematary also disappointed me for not living up to its expectations as there’s this short section before the story starts where King basically says it’s one of his darkest stories yet and blah blah it chilled him so he had to put it away for a while before publishing it, so, obviously, I was quite excited!

But, once I actually got stuck into it, it just didn’t really stick out to me as anything special, well, at least compared to coming off reading Shawshank Redemption and ‘Salem’s Lot. Plus, ableism is quite rooted into this one so at times it just was difficult to enjoy, personally.

As for Vengeful, I felt that it was an unnecessary sequel. It didn’t add to Vicious, if anything I’d say it detracted from the overall story by following around all these new characters when what made Vicious so fun was the dynamic between Victor and Eli.

6. Biggest surprise?

I’m Thinking of Ending Things by Iain Reid was quite unexpected. It wasn’t one of my favourites so far from this year, but, regardless, was a big surprise since it deviated far from my expectations.

7. Favourite new author (debut or new to you)?

Sayaka Murata. I loved Convenience Store Woman and Earthlings so I’m intrigued for any future projects of hers! It was interesting how fundamentally similar these two books, like two sides of the same coin, but told in two very different ways. Fantastic stuff.

8. Newest fictional crush/newest favourite character?

Merricat my beloved <3 (also Fami and Asa)

9. Book that made you cry?

I’ve never cried while reading soz

10. Book that made you happy?

Love & Autism by Kay Kerr. I just felt very seen reading this, being able to identify myself within the pages. It also felt special to me since for once it’s not a book about autism addressed to allistic people, it’s a book about autism, written by an autistic author, for an autistic audience.

Tagging: @swordfaery @ignorantsackofeyeballs @moodymika @sarenite (no pressure if you don’t want to do this, also if you just see this post and want to do it feel free to continue the chain)

[aggressive-positivity-network]

I agree! Yes, children’s media can have deeper meaning, and have adult jokes, and things like that (Gravity Falls and Steven Universe are good examples). But consuming media only meant for younger audiences, and then EXPECTING things to be like children’s media, is harmful.

Personally, I prefer children’s (or teen) media. Not because I can’t digest more complex storylines, but because I like animation as a medium, and there happens to be more animated kids content. But I do like Tuca and Bertie, Rick and Morty, and even the occasional Simpsons. But I do like live-action shows! I just watch them less often. Big Bang Theory, Little Women, Hercule Poirot (or literally any live remake of Agatha Christie’s books), Rosemary and Thyme…I love that shit!

Anyway, I feel like this is part of a much larger issue — the lines between what is appropriate for one age and what is appropriate for another is constantly being blurred.

Because companies want things to be as marketable as possible, they censor the shit out of things, especially with children’s media. Which leads to more and more children’s shows looking like walking dolls (so the designs are sellable) with lessons spoon-fed to the younger audience.

Compare this to, say, Arnold. It was full of deep meanings, metaphors, blink-and-you-miss-it information, and full characters that act like real kids. I feel like many of the stuff that it showed (or alluded to) would not be green-lit. And it certainly isn’t very marketable, even as popular as it is.

With the maturity of kid’s shows going backward, this leads to a ripple effect where adult shows are becoming less mature. Toilet humor, constant violence, sex, simple values…it’s all to become more marketable, relatable, and digestible to the masses.

Now let’s get to fandom. Because both adult and children’s shows are getting less complex/mature, this can go one of two directions. Either people try to make up for it by making their own more complex fan-canon, or they completely buy into what the show is selling, as well as take those ideas into other media that they watch.

The latter crowd hasn’t done anything wrong — it’s just that, with both children’s media and adult media having a lot of the same archetypes, values, relationships, and cliches, what’s the difference?

And with a lot of children’s cartoons having better plot lines, lessons, inclusion, and characters, why the FUCK would you want to watch any current adult content? Why watch “Sitcom About White Man With Minority Girlfriend #6” when you can watch Gravity Falls? Or Amphibia? Or Adventure Time? Or Teen Titans?

This makes sense, because children and teens actually need to have a reason to watch. If they feel pandered to, or that there isn’t any effort put in, then they turn it off.

But adults are tired. Adults have jobs. Adults can’t spend all day searching for a good show to watch. So, usually, they pick whichever one they can, and whatever they can easily digest as they drift off to sleep on the couch after their double shift. Or at least, that’s how the market sees them.

Which means children’s shows are usually better produced, have more creativity, and more inclusion.

But these are still CHILDREN’S shows, you understand. Which means that, even in all their complexity, they still have messaging made for a younger audience. Yes, some can be enjoyed by all ages, but that doesn’t mean that they still don’t have a pin-pointed age group.

So a bunch of adults, who want more complex shows, turn to children’s media. However, since it isn’t for them, they either complain about the lack of adult themes, or their idea of how stories are told is completely skewed.

So with a mixture of children’s shows being censored to fuck, shows for a younger audience being more enjoyable than the ones for an older audience, and crappy adult shows being pushed out like litter after litter of lame runts, the downward spiral of comprehension and maturity in media makes sense.

This also leads to it being more difficult to tell what is appropriate for children to watch, but that’s a whole ‘nother can of worms.

But that doesn’t mean that people in the fandom aren’t partly at fault here. You do still need to think about what you are consuming, realize that there is some media that wasn’t made for you, and that stories and characters cannot always be sorted into specific archetypes (and sometimes it can be damaging to the work you are consuming if you think that way).

However, there is a lot of moving parts here.

I honestly think the epidemic of adults who refuse to engage with media not made for children is having never been taught to have patience with a story or to reflect on what it’s trying to tell you, art appreciation is very much a learned skill you have to train. I *understand* the appeal of easy to digest media but unfortunately you cannot get past any concepts deeper than surface level without some level of analysis which is not expected in younger audiences.

This isn’t to say that children’s media can never tell good or enjoyable stories I think they absolutely can but if you only consume children’s media you will miss out on the full spectrum of ideas story telling can offer. And I think an unwillingness to engage with media you do not have to learn or be patient with has lead to the achetypification of fandom spaces, many people no longer feel deep connections to a particular character but rather a flavour of blorbo which is leading to a stagnation of fandom interpretation of characters also, as rather than taking time to consume and digest media the most basic category of type of character is being applied instead.

This recent emergence in fandom is what I feel is leading to the extremely prevalent treatment of any character as “sad tragic backstory man” “too pure cinnamon roll” and “bitch woman” as the only thing a character in media can ever be foregoing any nuanced themes or morality in a way that actively discourages having any interesting thoughts about a character or story.

TL;DR fandom spaces are becoming stagnant because many people are unwilling to digest media and instead skim for an archetype they enjoy and apply that instead.

[queen-of-my-goofball-army]

Undiagnosed Autism-spectrum disorder in The Michells Vs The Machines

I'm sure that more well educated people have put two and two together in this film but I really, really want to put my own spin on it from my experience. For me, as an aspie, film is one of my biggest interests. I love studying and more than anything I love watching and rewatching films. My latest favorite movie was one that I just watched last night for my family movie night, The Michells Vs The Machines. I also went 17 years of my life asking myself the same question that both Rick and his daughter ask each other, what is wrong with him/her?

Well, I'll tell you, in my firmly undiagnosed autistic opinion for far too long, that this family is full of people with undiagnosed autism spectrum disorder. When I was watching it with my parents my mom made the comment that "the dad was a jerk" and maybe "he just didn't love his daughter enough to let her be her own person." I thought that was so not seeing the bigger picture even though it was only fifteen minutes into the film. I have felt like Katie so much with my own dad. My dad is a computer nerd and a physics major for those of you that don't talk to me very often. That means in laminas terms that he's extremely smart. Way smarter than I will ever be in my entire life. Both of my parents are insanely smart in their own rights. My mom is a CPA accountant. But that isn't what I wanted to talk about here. I want to discuss the effect of undiagnosed autism and what it can do to a whole family when they all have it and just don't know that they do. This will probably go on for quite some time so you may stop here or read below the cut because this also has the probablity of getting super, duper personal.

We'll start with Katie! To me, Katie is one of the most relatable characters that I have ever come across. She's a film nerd, which alone has made her supremely relatable as somebody who is thinking about going into a degree in film studies. I am more of a critic of film than somebody who wants to make her own film but nonetheless, there were SO many little moments that I related to. The first thing that I personally noticed and related to was the stimming technique that Katie has. She chews on her hoodie strings. As somebody who has chewed on the drawstrings of hoodies far too often long before I was officially put into the Aspergers box. Aspies are also known to stick with one "special interest" for the rest of their lives if it's one that is wide enough and varied enough to make it applicable. For Katie, that's film. For me that's animation. I appreciated that little detail of most of her dialogue being references to other films because as a lover of films and movies in general I could go for days on just fumes and movie references that nobody else understands. The little things from her hair being perpetually messy (same that's a whole ass mood like I just learned over quarantine how to tye my own hair back), only having one earring in her ear at all times, the way that she dresses and draws on her own hands, this was just me when I was first in high school. I was one of the few people that wore shorts underneath all my skirts/dresses. Everyone who knew about looked at me like I had grown a third eyeball.

Aaron, the younger brother, also just oozes spectrum lil buddy out of his every pore from his being. I do think that they should have picked somebody capable of doing a bit of a younger sounding voice (I know what they were going for, but like Ben Schwartz has become a huge deal in both voice acting and live action before switching mediums.) His special interest is actually quite a common one, he loves dinosaurs. I've met a bunch of people on the spectrum that are fascinated by dinos and what they meant for the world as well as the universe as a whole. To me, there was one scene specifically that was the scene where Katie was lightly teasing him when they were going to the half assed dinosaur extravaganza. For me, this was SO relatable because both of my parents will mess with me about my interests most of the time it's when we go to Disneyland, they'll tell me that we actually aren't going to land of magic but to Timbuckto (hopefully one day they'll say some place else just to switch things up.) I related so hard to Aaron's protesting and whining in this scene since that is always my reaction to doing something that I want to do but get told that I can't do that thing.

Linda is more of your traditional mom but I think that she's on the spectrum as well. Just a more... normalized version as opposed to her family. She's able to be a teacher, she's able to interact somewhat normally around her neighbors. If anything, she reminded me of my own mom. This independent, takes nobody's trash (especially not her husband's), strong minded, and amazing mother who is completely in control of everything. She knows the special interests of her children and is constantly thinking of what will make them happy. Whether it be taking a detour for something dinosaur related, reminding her daughter that her dad loves her no matter what, and even something as simple as watching something that her daughter made and put her heart and soul into. I can't tell you how many times my mom has watched something with me. She watched my first anime Soul Eater with me when I was 12 and ever since then has been trying to get me to watch other shows with her. She's a lot like Linda, your loving, but firm mother who just wants her family to work things out.

Whew boy. This one is going to be probably where I cry. Comparing my dad to Rick is... something that I did consistently when I was watching the film. He's the strong but silent type usually, unless your me and he's just this constant annoyance when I'm trying to do something. He could be seen as just a "Jerk" but I think that is the undiagnosed aspie talking. Rick and Katie just struggle so hard to see eye to eye because their special interests can't intersect to save their lives. This, this hurt me because so often I struggle to relate to my dad. Especially when he talks to me about computers or physics. Now I took physics but without having been in quarantine and having him as my live in tutor I would have failed, not gotten an A. This has resulted me in saying things that I don't mean in the heat of the moment when we do argue. It doesn't happen nearly as much as it used to back when I was in middle school but when it happened it was because of one thing. I lied. I used to lie a lot because I felt so unworthy of being his daughter because on my best days I am not technically smart. You want to know how many nations of the world there were in 1991 when the original Animaniacs was airing? You want to hear my Dot Warner impression? Did you ever wonder how to recognize a specific voice when your watching anime? Have you ever had to watch a panel of your favorite anime voice actor just to laugh at something? No, well I did. But ever since I have started taking a quarter off from community college I have realized something. I am not technically smart. I struggle at learning the rules for math. My dad can do this with his eyes closed but me, I struggle and look like a complete moron. It took years for my dad and I to see eye to eye. Sometimes I still wonder if I was the product of some laboratory experiment of what would happen if two intelligent people came together, fell in love, and expecting that the daughter was smart I was the reject. Watching this movie with my dad I saw so much of my relationship with him on the screen. Struggling to relate to one another, fighting and getting into arguments about petty things, and not being able to be in the same room as one another without heated words because I didn't get him.

The scene that I related to the most when it was in terms of how much Katie just doesn't understand her dad was after he was nabbed by the machines. When Aaron asked her why she said those things to their dad and her simple answer was "I don't know." This. This right here was when I saw me. So many times I've gotten into heated arguments with my dad when he has simply annoyed me at the wrong time and I've just blown up in his face. Then I regret my actions and not know how to apologize for losing my temper with him because "I don't know" just doesn't seem like a nearly acceptable answer. I felt this in my soul because it happened especially often before I was diagnosed.

When I was diagnosed, things started to get better with my dad and I. We haven't had a fight in nearly four years now. He watches cartoons with me now to try and relate to me, it's mostly Pinky and The Brain but it's more than I could have ever asked for. I love my dad so much, more than anything in the entire world. This movie is so, so good at telling a story about how a family of undiagnosed aspie's and people on the spectrum struggle to relate to one another because their special interests are different.

Special interests and family's are especially difficult and I applaud this movie so loud because of the way that it was able to treat the subject matter with integrity and honesty. I'm sorry if this analysis got a little bit long in the toof but thank you for sticking with me! I really hope that if you watched the film you loved my analysis.

[captnjacksparrow]

I honestly agree with a lot of your opinions, and even when I don't, I think that your arguments are always well structure and respectful to other people.

But I have some questions (and I'm sorry if you have already answer them), (also sorry for some of my English, it's not my first language)

How do you feel about narusaku?

How do you feel about people changing certain aspects about Sakura to try to improve her character?

How would you improve Sakura?

How much do you think Sakura being a good character could affect the story?

What was the moment you really started to ship SNS? And what are you favorite moments?

(Sorry if there's ro many questions)

I honestly agree with a lot of your opinions, and even when I don't, I think that your arguments are always well structure and respectful to other people.

Aww!!!! Thank you, Anon. This made my day. 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

I will start from my favourite question (The one in the last)

What was the moment you really started to ship SNS?

I never wore any shipping lens, Anon.

Literally, I started to ship SNS only after Episode 478 or Chapter 698. Before that, I always had these doubts in the back of my mind.

'Something seems to be very weird between these guys',

'Why are they behaving differently compared to other friends?',

'Why Sasuke is behaving totally different towards Naruto?',

'Why Sasuke agreed to honour Naruto's promise under the bridge, despite having no shred of affection towards his other former Team Members?',

'Why Naruto is so obsessed with Sasuke?',

'Why Sasuke felt Naruto's chakra in Konoha and bothered by it?',

'Why Sasuke is protecting Naruto like a precious treasure only to end up wanting to kill him?',

'Why Sasuke has this weird obsession that ONLY I CAN KILL NARUTO but not someone else?',

So, I had all these questions piling up one by one inside my mind as the series progressed and I can't simply jump into a conclusion because I don't know what Sasuke was thinking. I hate one-sided ship and I want reciprocation. So, I usually put all these questions on the back burner and started to focus on the story. Damn!!!, The story was equally captivating and emotionally daunting. When Sasuke finally confessed his feelings towards Naruto in Episode 478, I simply couldn't believe myself but ship them. Because, in no world, Friends would behave this way towards each other.

So, to answer your question, it's after Episode 478, I started to ship them. But if you want me to say when exactly I started to doubt their level of friendship??

It's this moment,

Now you may think, 'Yeah, you saw two boys in a close proximity and decided to ship together. It's nothing strange'.

I have to say, Close proximity was the last thing, I felt from this scene. My reason was those heart breaking scenes that happened before which led to this specific moment.

I will make it as short as possible. I'll start with this

God!! I wanted to punch Sasuke so badly when he said this with a deadpan expression. It looks like he was lying just to get power. I thought, 'Sasuke!!! What a lying piece of crap you are!! If you want to kill Naruto, Just do it. Why doing a fake confession? '.

It doesn't help as the fight progressed because Sasuke was really playing football with Naruto and when this happened,

I was shell-shocked because, the Sasuke we saw so far is no more. It even confirmed my thoughts about the fake confession. Which sane person will ram Chidori through his Close Friend's body?.

After many blows were exchanged, I simply wished for one thing. Naruto should win and Sasuke should be stopped no matter what. When the final Rasengan vs Chidori happened, I couldn't understand what was going on inside that power ball. Naruto and Sasuke look at each other with pained expression and we see the younger version of them smiling at each other.

And then finally we see a knocked out Naruto with Sasuke standing and looking at him without any expression and was about to say, 'Naruto.... I' which was interrupted by rain and when Sasuke felt a stinging pain in his arms and falls down on his knees. He coughs up blood and then this iconic scene happens.

That scene conveyed many things

Sasuke wanted to kill Naruto but couldn't.

Sasuke meant what he said. Naruto is his closest friend, it’s not a lie.

Sasuke couldn't severe his ties completely with Naruto.

Sasuke's pain of saying 'Goodbye' is greater than the stinging pain in his arms.

Sasuke deliberately, I repeat deliberately and not accidentally, came close to look at Naruto's face and experiencing something that, we, audience don't know. 

So, you see, Anon. The emotional train wreck that led to this scene made me really doubt about their depth of feelings they had towards each other for the first time. That's when I thought, 'Something seems to be very weird between these guys, what is it?'

And what are you favorite (SNS) moments?

There are two moments which shows how Sasuke is playing an emotional battle within himself. 

1. Sasuke, Susanoo, Naruto, Minato

This happens right after Sasuke said to Obito, “Not you.... The one who is going to sever the past is....me”.

In this moment, Sasuke can pretty much let Naruto to die, because nobody is trying to kill Naruto. Still, he saved him with a 3 layered protection. The best part is Sasuke acted quicker than Minato, the fastest shinobi, to protect Naruto. Surely Minato wouldn’t want to blow up near his Son, for whom he gave his life once. It’s just that Sasuke is extremely quicker at this moment. 

2. For some reason, My Sharingan deactivated on it’s own

If only, Sasuke maintained his Sharingan, he could’ve traced Naruto’s movements and deflected his upper cut and would’ve successfully landed his Chidori through him. But he just couldn’t. 

Both these scenes happens in a span of a day but Sasuke’s emotions fluctuates a lot when it comes to killing Naruto, protecting Naruto, can’t kill Naruto. 

How much do you think Sakura being a good character could affect the story?

To be Honest Anon, Storywise ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

Yes, I agree with her amazing performance in Gaara retrieval Arc where she tagged along with Granny Chiyo and almost killed Sasori.

After that ????

She did nothing in the Sasuke Reunion Arc. It was all about Naruto vs Orochimaru, Yamato’s Wood style jutsu, Sai’s betrayal towards Orochimaru. Geez!!! I liked her attitude in this arc but totally spoiled when she was standing simply like a wooden doll when Sasuke was about to stab Naruto. It was Sai who blocked Sasuke.... I was like, ‘Girl!!!! You said you will save Sasuke for Naruto when he went into 4 tails mode. What happened now??? Why are you not stopping him???’

She was just making Food Pills in the Rasen Shuriken Arc.

She was basically climbing from one tree to another in the Sasuke killing Orochimaru to Sasuke joining Akatsuki Arc. Even Naruto’s role was very minimal in that arc except he met Kabuto, Dead soul of Jiraiya, Itachi, a split second meeting with Sasuke where he got Chidori’ed and fought with Tobi. 

She was just a spectator praying for Naruto in the Pain Arc. Yeah, she did healed few people and punched some monsters. But it just doesn’t matter. Even Konohamaru killed a Pain in that arc. 

She turned into an Asshole by making a fake confession towards Naruto and decided to kill Sasuke in the Kage Summit Arc. I think, this is where Kishi decided to shit on her mercilessly by making her into someone who was going to hurt both of her team mates mentally and physically. Basically Kishi transformed a clever medical Ninja who can find an antidote in a matter of hours to an asshole who believed Naruto did everything for her and even more of an idiot by planning to kill Sasuke with just a poisoned Kunai. Isn’t she the one who told Kakashi that Sasuke was given forbidden drugs to improve his strength after their Reunion??? Can’t she put 2+2 together to know Sasuke would be immune to poisons because of his days spent with Orochimaru??? Yeah, she did impacted the story. But it was not for her development. Sakura’s foolishness made Naruto and Sasuke to meet each other again and made a promise. So, you see, she was just a tool that pushes the narrative development of other characters, not her own. Her development took a big blow in this arc.

She was non-existent in the Naruto-Killer Bee Training Arc.

She was just healing people and punched some zetsu during Powerful Edo-Tensei Shinobis vs Allied Shinobi forces Arc. I expected her to have a special fight. But Nope. Even Ino, Shikamaru and Choji fought Asuma, Kakuzu and Kinkaku, Ginkaku brothers. 

She was non-existent in the Uchiha Madara vs 5 Kages mini arc

She was non-existent in Obito vs Naruto, Kakashi, Might Guy and Killer Bee mini arc.

She was non-existent in the Sasuke & Itachi vs Kabuto mini arc.

She was non-existent in the Edo Tensei’ed Hokages and Team Sasuke arc.

She was punching some Juubi Clones in the Official War Arc which will never make a difference to the story. At the same time, her character was transformed from an Asshole who hurted her teammates to an horny biasshhhh who wants only Sasuke’s D. She summoned Katsuyu and was healing soldiers. But there were an army of Medical Ninjas too. So her absence will not affect the story in a big way. She did Lip to Lip CPR for Naruto though. Again, that would never help Naruto in a major way unless he was helped by Obito by placing Bijuu inside him. Again, Kishi didn’t make her the sole saviour here. Instead, she was used as a medium to facilitate Obito’s transformation from a bad guy to good guy. Kishi made Obito as the Saviour here. 

She was useless and was not able to destroy Obito’s rinnegan in the Reincarnation of Indra and Ashura vs Rikkudou Sennin Madara arc.

She was useless in the Kaguya arc. [Sorry, that punch won’t make any difference because Kaguya must be stupid to not use her 360 degree vision to see Sakura from behind. With Naruto and Sasuke has already become a demi god at this point, her clown show is incomparable].

She was useless in the final Naruto vs Sasuke arc.

So, you tell me Anon. Did she make any impact to the story that served as a major twist?? 

The story revolved around Naruto and Sasuke. 

Itachi, Obito, Jiraiya, Madara, Hashirama and other Hokages were the game changers of this story. Meaning, their presence or death will change the story by a huuuuggge margin.

Tsunade, Orochimaru, Team Nagato, Kabuto helped our protagonists in a BIGGGG WAAYYYY.

Akatsuki were just amazing who gave us the sense of thrill as well as fun. 

Even Sakura being good will never impact the story because she had no dedicated arc written for her.

But, if she were written as a good character, my viewing experience would have improved in a relaxing way so much so that I don’t have to press my fast forward button whenever she appears and I wouldn’t be writing this post explaining why I hate her.

How would you improve Sakura?

Simple, By writing her similar to Rin Nohara.

No obsession but a simple love towards Sasuke.

No toxicity but caring friendship towards Naruto. 

That’s all.

How do you feel about people changing certain aspects about Sakura to try to improve her character?

Well, that means they would qualify as a fanfiction writers, aren’t they??.

Also, this inherently proves that she is a piss poor character and people wants to change certain aspects of her which they find annoying. But it will 100% end up being OOC. And I’m not into reading those OOC stuffs, Anon.

I always believe in accepting what the author has given rather than trying to fix their work. Because the author writes a character deliberately to make the readers feel what he intended in the first place. Kishi could write a redemption for even someone like Orochimaru towards the very end. Like, he literally made him to help Sasuke, not as a human predator, but as a former Master and an admirer. He wrote him to help Tsunade and other Kages. So in the end, Orochimaru was not hated like he was hated in part 1. If he can write something for Orochimaru, why not for Sakura??? 

You know how I can redeem Sakura in just 3 or 4 panels?

Let me tell you.

After that fake confession, Sakura could talk to Naruto,

“I am very Sorry, Naruto. I know you will never take things in your heart. But still I shouldn’t have used Love as a tool to make you not to do something. I was an Idiot to not realize how badly you want to save Sasuke. It wasn’t just for me. But it was for Sasuke and also for you, as his friend and also for us as Team 7. So, how about we go to Ichiraku, for a nice lunch??” 

While confessing Sasuke for the second time,

“It seems you still want to go on to that dark path, isn’t it?. I am not the most powerful ninja in this world and I know I can’t trade blows with you. But still.... if you try to hurt my friend, Naruto and my master, Tsunade. I will fight with all my strength to kill you..... Even though I love you”

I am pretty sure, if Sakura confessed something along these lines, everyone would have admired her and it shows her emotional maturity as a Kunoichi who wants to do something to this world as well as a person who is ready to kill someone she loved in order to protect the people she holds dear.

In chapter 699. Before saying Goodbye to Sasuke,

“I am very Sorry, Sasuke. I never really understood what was going on inside your heart. And, I always forced myself on you because of my selfishness. I really feel bad for those things. I never really became your friend in the first place. How about we say farewell as ‘a good friends’, before your redemption journey??” (Shakes hands.... End of Scene)

How is this???

Is it pleasant to read?? Of course, Yes.

I am pretty sure it wouldn’t take more than 4 or 5 panels. Kishi could’ve easily did something like this. Am pretty sure readers would’ve been satisfied. Her fans too. Even I would’ve forgiven her mistakes.

But Kishi didn’t and I am very sure it’s deliberate. Because, this very same Kishimoto could able to write Konan, Tsunade who acts with so much maturity without whining like a little girl.

Which shows Kishi clearly hates this character and never wanted to redeem her. 

So no matter how many people improve this character, it will never be believable.

How do you feel about narusaku?

Naruto always placed Sasuke as his priority, Anon. That’s always the case. So, apart from SNS, if you want me to say whether NaruSaku had any potential?

I would say, yes, NaruSaku had potential. I will not deny it. Naruto had some liking towards Sakura compared to the absolute indifference towards Hinata.

There are some moments Sakura genuinely cried for Naruto without anyone’s influence. I liked it. Say, the scene where she cried on hearing ‘A Jinchuriki without Bijuu will die” and with Yamato she told, “I can only do little things for Naruto”.

These are all coming from her own heart. No one instilled inside her.

[[[ That’s why I will not accept her realization of ‘Annoying, huh? So, this is how Naruto must have felt too. Maybe I should be a little nicer to him next time’ as genuine in Episode 3. Because she realized only after Sasuke roasted her. I want feelings to emerge subconsciously rather than instilled by someone. ]]]

Unlike the asshole Sakura she was in part 1, Sakura started out good in Shippuden. I was surprised with her development in Gaara Retrieval Arc and was not at all annoyed by her presence. (Except when she said she will save Naruto and Sasuke from Itachi.... Grrrrr.... Biashhhhh.... Do you know Itachi’s abilities first of all??? He can crush you like a meatball with his Susanoo)

I started to feel, ‘Wooow!!! She has improved a lot. Great!!!!’.

Even though, she was useless in Rasen Shuriken Arc, She still made an effort to make food pills for Naruto. She even hugged Naruto much to his surprise, before all the villagers and especially before, ahemmm Hinata after defeating Pain.

Despite all of these moments that had happened between them, I could only see them as a pair formed of mutual tragedies rather than mutual attraction, Anon. In their case, Losing Sasuke. I wasn’t 100% sure whether Sakura moved on from Sasuke or not. Because When Sakura was looking for Sasuke with Kakashi’s Tracking dogs, she was still in love with him. So Sakura fluctuates between her obsession with Sasuke and some genuine feelings towards Naruto. 

Kage summit Arc is where everything changed and finalized. Sakura was crying like an annoying shit when she heard that Sasuke joined Akatsuki and was wanted by Raikage. This clearly shows her obsession has flared up again and ‘Poof’ all the development she had with Naruto was thrown into drain. 

On top of it, the fake confession. Grrrrrr.......

Plus, Naruto officially closed the possibilities of this ship by saying, “Sasuke, I know the Truth of Itachi from a guy named Tobi. I don’t know whether it’s true or not. But whatever you’ve been doing so far (hunting Killer Bee, ruckus in Kage summit conference, trying to kill Sakura, Kakashi).... It’s all understandable”.

If Naruto truly, wholeheartedly, deeply loved Sakura, he wouldn’t have said something like, ‘It’s understandable why you tried to kill Sakura”. He should have beaten Sasuke into a pulp. Or atleast shown some intense anger. Instead, Naruto was talking to Sasuke and making promise by saying ‘We will die together’. It’s like Sakura playing cupid for Sasuke and Naruto.

Naruto was okay with someone trying to kill Sakura whereas he was not okay with someone trying to kill Sasuke and even went to the extent of hyperventilating. This is why I feel any other ships are incomparable with SNS. 

After that Sakura started to behave rabidly towards Sasuke in the War arc which I can’t help but feel disgusting. So, anything she did for Naruto in the War Arc was overshadowed by her crazy obsession towards Sasuke. That’s why her CPR doesn’t matter, Sakura healing Naruto doesn’t matter. [Naruto has his own regenerative abilities, so whatever she does will not matter much for him]

So, NaruSaku was closed officially by Naruto and Sakura. It couldn’t sail because of the presence of Sasuke. 

At the end, I felt like Sakura used Naruto for getting her man back ready for romance rather than a killer mode Sasuke. I couldn’t feel the friendship they once had or any familiarity. 

I just hate people who don’t value friendships, anon. Sakura was not even a good friend, first of all. Yeah she had her friendly moments here and there. But, at the end of the series, she was not. A war has just ended, many people lost their lives, her supposed ‘best friend’ Ino lost her father. Why can’t she help her out emotionally? Why can’t she do some fucking good stuffs for this Shinobi world like her other teammates?? Instead, what she did was ‘let’s go and persuade Sasuke-kun to lend me some D by going along with his journey. Because I am so horny’. 

It not how you were in the beginning, It’s how you ended up being. She started this series as a worst friend and she ended up as a worst human being for me. How can I ship such a person with Naruto????

[maxwell-grant]

What’s the difference between a pulp hero and a super hero?

There is a common sentiment when discussing pulp heroes, when compared to superheroes, that positions the two as if they were separate by entire eras, with pulp heroes being as distinct from the superheroes as the dinosaurs are to mankind. But then again, the dinosaurs never really went away, did they? 

Oh sure, they endured a great extinction, they downsized and ceded their thrones to the tiny little rats that scurried in their shadow, who then grew to become just as big, and then even bigger, but they never went away. They simply adapted into new forms and formed new ecosystems. We call them birds now.

The gap between Superman and The Shadow is merely 6 years, hardly much of a generation. There are those that argue that the Marvel and DC universes still have pulp heroes, that Batman is (or was) one, that characters like The Question and Moon Knight carry on the tradition. We have characters like Hellboy, Grendel, Tom Strong and Zack Overkill as original, modern examples of pulp characters, strongly identified as such. Venture Bros had in 2016 the best modern take on the Green Hornet. Lavender Jack is still going strong. So the idea that pulp heroes are defined solely by being old and outdated isn’t exactly true, when clearly there’s still enough gas in the tank centuries later for stories with them to be told.

Is there any meaningful distinction between pulp heroes and superheroes? If not, can we identify one?

Costume is definitely a big part of it, as Grant Morrison famously argued in his own summation. Of what he considers the big difference between the two: 

“What makes the superhero more current is the performance aspect. That's what The Shadow and those other guys don't really have. Their costumes are not bright, and they don't have their initials on their chest, and everything isn't out front and popping like the superheroes. I think we can relate to that about them because in the world we live in, everyone has a constant need to be a star. I think superheroes are keyed into that parallelism. They're performers. They're rock stars, and they always have been.

And he’s right, to an extent. It’s definitely tied into the central differences between The Shadow and Batman, as I’ve elaborated. While The Shadow was far, far from the only type of pulp hero, the superhero’s costume has long been defined as THE thing that sets it apart from every other type of fictional character. At least, when it comes to American superheroes. 

Because the “criteria” for superheroes is nowhere near as set in stone as some would like to believe. Our basic definition of superheroes is based around comparisons and contrasts to Superman and Batman, and how they fit into what we call “the superhero genre”. The existence of a superhero genre is, in and of itself, debatable, and any working definition for superheroes is inevitably going to have too many exceptions. 

Superheroes are not defined by settings, like cowboys or spacemen, or their profession, like detectives. They can’t be defined by superpowers (Batman), a mission statement, having secret identities (Fantastic Four, Tony Stark), being good people, or good at their jobs. The costume, the closest there is to a true, defining convention, still has a considerable share of exceptions like Jack Knight’s Starman, a great deal of the X-Men who do not wear uniforms, or most superheroes created outside the US. The most basic definition of superhero is of comic book characters with iconic costumes and enhanced abilities who fight villains in shared superhero universes, but even that falls short of exceptions by including characters who are not superheroes (John Constantine and other Vertigo characters, Jonah Hex, the Punisher). Some people would call Goku or Harry Potter or Lucky Luke or Monica’s Gang superheroes, Donald Duck has literally been one. “Character with a distinctive design and unusual talents who fights evil” includes virtually every fictional hero that’s ever achieved a modicum of popularity in a visual medium.

Even telling stories with super characters doesn’t mean you’re going to be writing a superhero story (Joker). Superheroes are not defined by settings and genres, but they can inhabit just about any of them you can imagine. Horror, westerns, gritty crime drama, historical reconstruction, romance, space adventure, war stories, surrealism stories. As Morrison put it, they aren’t so much a genre as they are “a special chilli pepper-like ingredient designed to energize other genres”, part of the reason why they colonized the entire blockbuster landscape.

Aviation became a thing in the war years, so they started producing en masse aviation pulps as a subgenre. Zeppelins became popular, so they had a short-lived zeppelin subgenre. Celebrities starred in their own magazines. The American pulps were different from the German pulps, or the Italian pulps, or the Canadian pulps. In China, wuxia arose at a similar time period and with similar themes and distribution. In Brazil, we have “folhetos”, short, poetic, extremely cheap prose often written about romantic heroes and “cangaçeiros”, the closest local equivalent to the American cowboys. In Japan, “light novels” began life as pulp fiction, distributed in exactly the same format and literally sold as such. Pulp fiction has long outlived any and all attempts to define it as 30s literary fiction only.

Likewise, “pulp” and “pulp heroes” are terms employed very, very loosely. Characters like The Shadow and Doc Savage arrived quite late in the history of pulp fiction. You had characters like Jimmie Dale, Bulldog Drummond, Tarzan, Conan, a billion non-descript trenchcoat guys, and before those the likes of Nick Carter and Sexton Blake, dime novel detectives who made the jump to pulp. You had your hero pulps, villain pulps, adventure pulps, romance pulps, horror pulps, weird menace pulps. Science fiction, planetary romance, roman-era adventures, lost race adventures, anything that publishers could sell was turned into pulp stories starring, what else, pulp heroes. 

How do you make sense of it all?

The main difference to consider is the mediums they were made for. 

Pulp heroes were made for literature, superheroes were made for comic books.

Superheroes NEED to pop out visually, to have bold and flashy and striking designs, because comic books are visual stories first and foremost, who live and die on having attractive, catching character designs and the promise of an entertaining story with them. Pulp heroes, in turn, can often just be ordinary dudes and dudettes and anything in between in trenchcoats or evening wear or furry underwear, or masters of disguise rarely identifiable, because the only thing that needs to visually striking at first glance in a pulp magazine is the cover, so your imagination can get ready to do the rest. Smoking guns, bloody daggers, a romantic embrace, monsters hunched over ladies in peril, incendiary escapes. The characters can look like and be literally anything.

Comic books are a sequential art form where art and writing come together to tell a story, and every illustration must serve the story and vice-versa. It needs to give you an incentive to keep being visually invested in whatever’s going on. Pulp literature stays dead on the page unless animated by your expectations; you may have the illusion of submitting to an experience, but really it’s you expending your imagination to otherwise inert signals. You have to provide the colors and flashy sequences and great meaning yourself, and as a trade, you get much more text to work with in novels than you do in comic books, where the dialogue and narration are fundamentally secondary to the visual, whether it’s a superhero punching stars or a monster covered in blood.

Each art form has its strengths and weaknesses, of course, which are only accentuated when each tries to be of a different kind. There's been pulp heroes that tried making the jump to comics, and comic heroes that made the jump to literature. There’s good, even great examples, of both, but even at their best, there's always some incongruity, because that's not the medium these characters were made for. 

Superheroes are characters defined by being extraordinary. The pulp heroes are too, in many cases, distinguished from their literary antecessors because they were too uncanny and weird, a middleground between the folklore/fairy tale heroes and the grounded detective and adventure characters such as Sherlock, and the later far out superheroes. But they don’t necessarily have to be extraordinary. Sometimes they can very well just be completely ordinary characters, caught in bizarre circumstances and managing them as best they can, or simply using skills available to anyone who puts in effort to do good. Often enough the extraordinary comes in the form of a bizarre villain, or a tangled conspiracy, a monster from outside the world, a unique time period. The extraordinary is there, but it doesn’t have to be in the hero. 

That is, I’d argue, the other big fundamental difference between the two. "Superhero” is a name we use to define a type of character who fits an extraordinary mold, a Super Hero. It’s a genre, it can be every genre, it’s a shared universe and a stand-alone epic. There are guidelines, structures at work here. Grids, page count, illustrators. The Big Two and their domain over the concept. Academic usage of the term, standards that rule the “genre”, when it is defined as a genre. Malleable and overpowering and adaptable and timeless as the superhero may be, it’s still bound by a certain set of rules and trends.

The term “pulp hero” is a term that we use to label just about any character that happens to star in something we recognize as “pulp fiction”, even if it isn’t literally written in pulp, even if it’s decades later. It’s a “metaphor with no brakes in it”. Superheroes can be pulp heroes. The most powerless, unlucky, homeless bum can be a pulp hero, there were entire subgenres of pulp stories based on homeless protagonists or talltale stories told in bars. The cruelest villain can be a pulp hero. Boris Karloff about to stab you with a knife named Ike IS a pulp hero, and so is a space slug on a warpath (look up what happened when Lovecraft and R.E Howard collaborated).

As much as I may dislike the idea of pulp heroes largely only existing in the shadow of superheroes nowadays...that is kinda appropriate, isn’t it? Of course they are going to live and make their homes in the place where the sun doesn’t shine. Where Superman and co would never go to. 

Of course the 90s reboots of these characters failed. Because they tried turning these characters into superheroes, and they are not superheroes. They can visit those world, but they don’t belong in them, or anywhere else. They live in places where the light doesn’t touch, worlds much bigger and darker and more vast than you’d ever think at first glance, worlds that we still haven’t fully discovered (over 38% of American pulps no longer exist, 14% survive in less than five scattered copies, to say nothing of all pulps and pulp heroes outside of America). Not lesser, not gone, despite having every reason to. Just different, reborn time and time again. The shadow opposites.

In short: One is represented by Superman. The other is represented by The Shadow. There are worlds far beyond those two, but when you think of the concepts, those are the ones that things always seem to come back to.

[blu3mila]

PUSHIT

it’s a song by Tool that i’ve been sitting with for a little over a month now, wanting to say something. tried it in several ways and decided on a post overview, so here comes a stack of thoughts.

my first go at it was a painting. it came from scrambling, a part of the song that stuck with me from the start:

“You're pushing, and shoving, and scrambling To keep my feet flat on the ground”

i painted it, painted what sounded exactly like scrambling, like a shuffle, like kicking with enough desperation for it to land on something, anything. didn’t post.

i thought of Children next: ”We Will Adore Our Children“, a text i published last November. the concepts that i wanted to pinpoint with it got shown, but i know i mostly i skirted along the edges there. a conversation i had about that work left me with a phrase that i’m still carrying now: “a backdoor for disgusting”. the vital subtlety of handling certain topics.

i didn’t want anything readable and i didn’t publish my first painting. i reread Children. i felt, once again, the funny kinship, closeness, understanding, dialogue with another piece.

“And if when I say I might fade like a sigh if I stay You minimize my movement anyway I must persuade you another way”

it’s comforting to find something to relate to especially if it’s this specific, and it’s heartbreaking to not really, actually have a human connection with that. some sad isolation. i wrote this text.

i adore what the song accomplishes in its 10 minutes. there’s a repetition that links the whole story, the song starts with it:

“I saw the gap again today”

a scene that gets mentioned three times, three times that can be compared. the first one carrying the setting tone, “how things are”. the second one:

“I'm slipping back into the gap again”

escalates. still the same, the same familiar scene, but this time it just so happens to grow into an outward fight. the way the music supports this feeling is what hooked me in the first time: it feels and sounds like a fight. no break in the middle, it keeps going and going till it ends and leaves you to pick up the pieces. 

then picking up the pieces… no time is wasted here. it could be called a moment of quiet on which to build a climax, something to contrast with and… yeah, but what i adore here is the way it plays into the concept as well. putting this quiet passage right after a fight; it feels like a journey, the one that is made with one’s feelings. yet another “this can’t go on like this” but here it somehow actually leads somewhere. very hollow, tired out stating of the facts:

“You put me somewhere I don't wanna be”

coming to the first conclusion:

“Never want to see that place again”

notice how the music changes through this, how the tone changes with this conclusion. how the tone stresses that it is a conclusion, a decision made. good or bad doesn’t even matter comparatively, what matters is that it is change. something to move from. something that promises that the next time you see the gap, you’ve already given in to something, accepted that it won’t stay the same. then it comes the third time:

“Saw that gap again today Managed to push myself away And you, as well, my dear”

how the music comes with, how it sounds joyous, how it feels almost excited to do something different, something new, something that isn’t repeating the same old rotten pattern. when the next phrase comes sounding like a prayer, it delivers the cemented decision: 

“And if when I say I might fade like a sigh if I stay You minimize my movement anyway I must persuade you another way”

what gets to me the most here is the wording: it’s the “if” that i didn’t even notice the first couple times around.

i can’t tell if it really is that big or if it’s something subjective, but… it seals the deal for me. it’s written with so much awareness of how these things go: it makes the whole passage a logical argument.

it’s not “you do this and that, and i need to do something”. it’s not, because really, what does it matter if “you do this and that”? you’ve done it forever and i’ve taken it before, i don’t “need” to do anything. see the pattern? see how easily it slips away, the sympathy for the self? the hint of an idea that you don’t “need” to take it?

this is what the “if” changes, though. it frames the whole thing as an argument, as a logical conclusion, as a fact. and feelings and personal needs don’t matter, but facts can. this is how you trick yourself into bettering the situation, you say: “IF you do this and that regardless of my plea, THEN i do something”. it’s a subtle little thing in the wording but presenting it as an “action and logical, planned response” rather than “action and my reaction, my, god forbid, feelings” is what sells to the mind that is used to coping with an inescapable situation. or previously inescapable. it’s nothing factual, nothing actually different in the meaning behind the packaging of words, but it’s how convincing, proving things to yourself can be.

whatever, there goes the revelation! it’s sung, it resonates and rises above the gloom and the rot, and does so in a beautifully realistic way: not by anything kind and loving but by admitting that it’s all about pushing and shoving and pushing.

it is dear to me how this idea is directly faced, how the song breaks out into something living, colourful, pushes through with survival. how the shape that this survival takes is violence.

“Remember I'll always love you As I claw your fucking throat away” 

how anger is a sign of healing. how anger is a fucking sign of healing. this concept keeps blowing me away still.

i love understanding what has pained me in the idea of “acceptance, forgiving and moving on”: it’s the fact that often enough people skip the anger in the process. no, people expect others to skip the anger and that skewers the whole thing, turns it into a different beast altogether. 

going from a place of being hurt, having that hurt, internalizing that hurt and the reasoning for it… what would happen if the anger stage was skipped? if you were told “forgive them and move on, it’ll be easier” without having first reached the anger, the stage where a person realizes that the whole experience was, like, no-go?

possibly there will be no realizing altogether. outwardly or inwardly, the blame will stick and be the main feeling behind the experience. it will be internalized with nothing to balance it out. it will be cemented in the shape of the one that hurt, but it will no longer be a separate being, it’ll live in you. anger is the barrier, the understanding that it has never been even, that one side fucking HURT the other. whether it ever gets to peace with the other is not even that important, peace with self is. switching the self-blame for anger is, any day.

i believe the song celebrates it, but most importantly, it shows how it is a cycle. now it’s in you, the pushing and shoving, now it’s the first response to anything remotely resembling a threat. it’s the price, no, not price, it’s the consequence of having made it out.

i love how this song has the whole journey in it. i love this song, i love it as an art piece. i love how the concept for it was put together with the medium, how it managed to say all that and make it feel like what it was saying.

i also love that the theme goes through the entire album and other songs add to the picture. if “Pushit” shows coming into anger/survival, then “H.” definitely addresses the cost of that reaction. and it does that with so much empathy that it breaks my heart a little. but yeah, the struggle goes on and whatever, there are like other Tool albums out there…

[president-and-godemperor-forlife]

I really don’t understand this take of Show!Kaz being bland/soft. Like...what? First of all, this a prequel to the SoC book; two years before. You need to build him up because he doesn’t have that experience yet. And it’s so much more satisfying to see him fully become the crime lord we all know and love and watch him grow into himself. And even then we caught a glimpse of what he’s capable of when he went feral on that Inferni. Kaz is always capable of violence. He didn’t even flinch when Alexie was shot (a great contrast between Jesper and Inej’s reactions) which is a big hint that this character is damn well used to violence and fully expects it. But what annoys me the most is that people act he wasn’t scheming and plotting the whole damn time. Did we watch the same show? He was steps ahead of the Conductor; he had a plan at the Palace in case things went sideways (“Plan B. Scratch that, plan F”). He understood that the Darkling might follow cause the Conductor was 100% going to rat them out and planned accordingly. He understood the situation that they could be in as a result and planted a bomb in the stolen carriage, and told the Crows to split up because it’s easier to take a Grisha one-on-one. Hell, he fully expected the possibility that he would run into the Darkling and planned accordingly with a flash bomb. He even went so far as to memorized how to operate the train because he would never leave anything to chance, and wanted to make sure he could get his Crows out.

Second, and I can’t believe I have to say this, but we are in Kaz’s head in SoC and you can’t translate that on screen because we are not in his head. One of your main characters can’t have a stony expression the whole time. What he’s thinking has to play out more-or-less on his face and body language so that the audience can understand or infer what’s going through our favorite crime lords mind. Book and TV/movies are two totally different mediums and you have to adapt accordingly. Plus have you read SoC? Kaz is full of emotions; the problem is that the boy can’t freaking express them. His trauma keeps him from doing just that. Emotionally constipated, thy name is Kaz.

And last but certainly not least, this story doesn’t put Kaz in the same situations that SoC put him in. The reason Kaz left one of his Dregs to die at the beginning of SoC is because he suspected betrayal from someone within his own ranks, something that you’ll note did not happen in SaB with the exception of the Conductor who is not a Crow, and who they needed to get across the Fold and into the Palace (and that resolved itself with Arken getting caught). The reason Kaz pulled some dudes eye out was because Inej was severely injured, something that happens in SaB but one, she isn’t as severely injured and close to dying as she was in the book, and most importantly, two, Inej killed her attacker. There was no need for Kaz to step up and kill the Grisha. No need for revenge, nor did he have the time for it with the very pressing need to get away from the Darkling (the most powerful Grisha alive that they absolutely cannot take head-on and win) and his incredibly dangerous entourage as quickly as possible with an injured Inej. Besides, consider this, the Ice Court job was incredibly different for at least one reason: they weren’t going to be surrounded with an army of Grisha. He went into the Palace job severely disadvantaged because of that. Compare that to the Ice Court and the playing field is more leveled thanks to the Fjerdan’s hate of Grisha. There was no risk of running into one in their ranks. The stakes here are totally different, they’re just as high, sure, but the playing field isn’t riddled with extremely powerful Grisha. And consider the fact that they almost pulled it off! Even with the huge power disadvantage! They had Alina! Inej just let her go.

In conclusion, I don’t know what more people want. Freddy played the hell out of Kaz, and while the writing does deserve criticism, I’m not sure it’s for this.

[fruti2flutie]

love, death & robots s2 thoughts

*not spoiler heavy but general LD&R spoilers*

overall: meh. i didn't hate it, but i didn't quite like it either. it felt like it just... fell short of its own concept. unfortunately it has a bit to do with how short the season was, but a season's length alone shouldn't be a reason for dislike itself so i must elaborate!!!!

what i'm primarily referring to is how it's tagged as an "adult animated anthology" and why that's been so enticing for adults who enjoy animation. s1 gave us such a diverse set of animation styles, attributed from a variety of different studios across the globe, so it felt like a long love letter to those who enjoyed the medium. but s2 seemed to focus on the Hyper Realistic Animation That Almost Feels Real style, which was disappointing. (no hate to axis studio & blur studio tho!! they make great stuff!!!) s1 had its fair share of that, too — beyond the aquila rift is a standout contender — but with s2 practically half the length of the first, you could really feel the disparity with the lack of animation styles. i really wanted to see something with the aesthetics of blindspot or fish night, and i can't say that any of the s2 episodes were comparable.

and this might just be me, but i also missed Happy episodes!!! low tension!! fun!!! s2 showed stories that ended in a nice way, but i wouldn't call exactly them Happy. i mostly missed the silly energy that three robots gave us, which let the viewer a breath of fresh air amidst all the... Death. probably not enough L in LD&R, i think.

plus, while pretty much every episode in s1 was an adaptation of some sort, s2 just felt... less than what the series intended. like, sorta in the same way black mirror s5 was — we're seeing [insert concept here] used in a different way, but since we've already heard it many times before it becomes less interesting. in LD&R's case: robots turning on humans, immortality, Wow Beautiful Woman, etc.. again, i get that they're adaptations, but even saying that feels like an excuse. zima blue from s1 was an adaptation, and that was the best episode of the series imo! so maybe it's a matter of less interesting content, or maybe i'm hard to please? just the fact that there were no original episodes at all was a bummer, especially since the concept from the witness was so wild. however i am glad that they didn't continue with the gratuitous sexual violence that was prevelant in s1... i Was Not a fan of that.

so something i also saw on twitter mentioned how s2's writing/directing credits are mostly if not completely filled by white men, and it made me think some more. s1 was a pinch more diverse in its credits: good hunting was adapted from a shory story by chinese-american ken liu, a female writer janis robertson wrote the adapted script for when the yogurt took over, etc. again, the shorter length of s2 showcases its shortcomings. it feels like the entire series has been missing the opportunity to give voice to the under-represented communities who have struggled to break through the predominantly cis straight white lens of sci-fi. like, sonnie's edge was cool and all, but it'd be a lot cooler if you had any women and/or wlw on the directing credits. i'm not surprised, but it won't stop me from being disappointed.

i repeat, overall: meh. i heard that s3 is set to release in 2022, but truth be told i don't have the highest hopes or much expectation for it. i may watch it eventually, but i'll definitely take a look at the credits first.

but some things i did like about s2, in no particular order: the pacing of the drowned giant, michael b. jordan, the full seven minutes of all through the house, GIANT GLOWING WHALES. s2 still had some good points despite my complaints!!! ahhhh!!!!!

[myfriendsarerealidiots]

Comparing Adaptations

‘Kay so I went on one of my whims again and did something stupid. Couple weeks or so ago, I wasn’t really in the mood to watch anime so I opened up Netflix and watched a Cdrama that I wanted to watch for a while now.

That Cdrama was ‘The Untamed’ which, prior to me watching it and doing said whim, I thought was just your typical historic Cdrama. Oh boy I was wrong. As I was watching it, I was thinking to myself, “This show’s really selling itself off as BL.” Which, I found out after finishing it was because it is BL. Hah...and that was just the start of it.

As I was doing my ‘Post-show research,’ I found out that it was based of a novel, called ‘Mo Dao Zu Shi’or as translated by the people on the internet as ‘Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation.’ Said novel had 2 more adaptations along with ‘The Untamed’ which were a manhua and a donghua. So me being me, I decided to watch the donghua adaptation and read both the og novel and manhua.

So how I went through this was...

The Untamed (2019)

The Donghua aka Anime I guess

The Manhua which I read while having class (such a responsible student aren’t I)

The original novel

All hail this person who has too much free time on her hands.

Anyways, as it says on the tin, I’ll be comparing the 4 adaptations/versions of the story and see what changes between them as well as the pros and cons. (Wow I sound so professional)

Some background of myself just to avoid confusion

I am not a mega hardcore Fujoshi. I don’t really enjoy reading smut, nor am I old enough to do so bear that in mind

I have 7 years worth of Chinese lessons under my belt which means I barely understand a thing and that I can get some of the jokes like how Wei Ying’s sword is called ‘Sui Bien’ and it’s funnier to hear in Chinese. In other words, compared to like actual Chinese people who live in China, I pretty much have the knowledge of a 10 year old.

The versions of the Manhua and Novel that I read were translated in English so somethings might have been lost in translation.

I have a bit of a goldfish brain so forgive me if I wrote something wrong or forgot the name of a certain character, most likely I will look it up to correct it but if I don’t...well sorry.

I am writing my opinions on each version as I finish them, so if they don’t link up to the original that’s the reasoning behind it.

All of these are my opinions and thoughts on the story. You are not entitled to follow them if you disagree. I personally believe that everyone has a voice of their own and they should use it. (Even though I don’t half of the time.)

Slight Spoiler Warning

I will be breaking down some of the scenes and characters for my comparisons so please keep that in mind.

The Untamed (2019)

As this was my first exposure to the story, I didn’t know what to expect. I loved everything about it except for the fact that literally half of the show was spent in the past, building context for what was happening in the present.

The characters were lovable and all had distict personalities, especially Wei Ying and Lan Zhan which I guess makes sense since they’re the main characters (their actors are also cute and have good chemistry.) Speaking of characters, Yanli has a more forward role in the story here compared to the other versions. The way certain characters were introduced was different too. Since it’s live action, it’s also harder to show things like extreme blushing and such so it makes Lan Zhan look very stoic and way more unexpressive here than in the other versions.

The soundtrack is nice to listen to, especially with the 2 mains singing the theme song together it’s so cute and gives it another meaning in itself. Although, I do wonder how that poor bamboo flute Wei Ying made in like 2 mins plays decent sounding music. Chen Qing(is this the name of it?), the flute he uses after his trip to the Burial Grounds has the same sound quality as that bamboo flute which is just, “how???”

They took out most of the extreme BL!!! I feel like that is the biggest difference between this version and all the rest. I know they did that to appeal to more people but it does remove some of the context to things. That doesn’t mean the moments that were kept in weren’t cute though. It did make the pair look more plantonic than romantic.

As for the story itself, as a story on its own, it’s nice, as an adaptation that’s where the line gets blurry but it leans more towards the good side. They did indeed change some things, made them work better with the medium than if they didn’t.

An example I can place is the mask. Where the other versions used white make up with oddly placed red circles around the eyes, this one used a mask instead. I agree with the choice they made, seeing as they removed the fact that Mo Xuanyu was homosexual and so the make up wouldn’t make sense. It also looks nicer than what I imagined what could’ve happened with they kept with the make up. They do make a reference to this in the show when Jin Ling and Wei Ying have a conversation in Carp Tower. “You’ve seen my face right?” “How do I know? Your face is always caked in make up or covered by that mask.”

Another issue I had which I’ll touch on later was the first episode—I had no idea what was going on for those 40 minutes of screentime.

Donghua

As of writing this post, season 3 of this has yet to come out.

My first reaction to this was “Man, the animation’s pretty, and they made Wei Ying look scarier.” Watching stuff at 12 in the morning isn’t the best thing but that’s what I do.

Anywho, this version made Wei Ying really attracted to going down the path of ‘evil’ compared to the other versions. I don’t really understand why they made this change...but they did so we have to deal with that. And his eyes glow red!! It makes him look scary and cool at the same time. I love it!!

The transitions between certain events were a bit weird to say the least. For example, at the end of episode 2/3 Wei Ying gets forcibly dragged into the Cloud Recesses and the episode ends there. By the next episode, we’re 16/23/13 however many years in the past. This makes it really confusing for someone who hasn’t watched or read any other version of the story. It definitely made me confused and I already finished one.

While ‘The Untamed’ told us everything in one long flashback, the donghua broke it up into small chunks placed whenever information was needed. I don’t think that was a good idea, but then I also think it was a better decision than what they did for the Cdrama. As I watched this adaptation, I found myself confused from time to time because what happened in the prior episode didn’t always match what happened in the current episode like I mentioned earlier.

As for the artstyle, personally, I think some of the characters look similar minus the hair. However, I do like the little ways they made Lan Zhan express his feelings towards Wei Ying.

Speaking of which, when I first saw them together in this version in the forest near the Goddess Temple, I had to do a bit of a double take because of the height difference which wasn’t so evident in ‘The Untamed’. I soon found out that Lan Zhan was taller than Wei Ying before and after he gets reincarnated(?) Prior, it was just a small gap of 2cm which later turned to 6cm after possessing Mo Xuanyu.

I didn’t notice their height gaps while watching ‘The Untamed’ because Wei Ying’s actor, Xiao Zhan, is taller than Lan Zhan’s actor, Wang Yi Bo by about 2 inches which is like 5 cm? and so they had to do some weird thing with platforms to make Xiao Zhan look shorter in comparison.

Soundtrack wise, I personally think that ‘The Untamed’ was better in that sense. Where it had an amazing souding flute, this one had minor earrape in a nutshell.

This version made itself, in my eyes look more like a historical fighting anime as opposed to the BL vibes I was getting from ‘The Untamed’ and the other versions. They added a lot of action scenes and made the mystery more interesting for me. Along with this, the overall look and feel of this made it seem like it came from a completely different source material.

Manhua

Small FYI, as of writing this post the Manhua is at 147 Chapters.

(I should’ve kept up the trend and got a screenshot from that scene in the Manhua but I didn’t so here we are with gay rabbits.)

As your local internet friend who reads more manga than normal books nowadays, I enjoyed reading the manhua and finished it in a couple days.

Compared to the first 2 versions here, these last 2 are both things that you have to read to get through, albeit one has pictures and one doesn’t.

While normally, one would read silently, I like listening to music while I do. And seeing as the OST of ‘The Untamed’ sounds really nice, I listened to it while reading both the manhua and novel when I could.

This one brought out the BL elements that were missing from the first 2. They gave Wei Ying and Lan Zhan a lot of kissing or just straight up affectionate scenes which I think ties in with the general theming of the original novel more.

As this one is probably the closest of the adaptations to the original, it’s the least confusing to read, although that might’ve been influenced by my experiencing the story for the third time at this point. I say that, however, there were many story elements that weren’t present in either one prior to this.

Examples this can be seen with their collecting of body parts that belonged to the former Nie Sect Leader. In ‘The Untamed’ they find the sword spirit which guides them through the rest of the story. In the Donghua adaptation, they get the arm, but also get the head of the the Jin with the hundred holes curse which was an original addition. Here, they get the arm from Mo Manor, find the other one then find the torso and so on before finding the head in Jin GuangYao’s possession.

The flashbacks in this version were also executed really well, in my opinion, as it doesn’t feel super confusing while reading it and it gives just enough information to help the events unfold. It also gives us a chance to see how much of an ass(sorry) Wei Ying was when he was the Yiling Patriach from his own perspective as well as give us a moment of WangXian in the middle of all that chaos.

Novel

Here’s a picture of gay rabbits for everyone.

At this point, I was switching between the novel and the Manhua to read whichever one I wanted at any given time which might have blurred my sense of what belonged in each one so I’ll try my best to make sure.

Since this one is the original source material, it was clear from the get go that this will be the one with the least confusing version of events and the most amount of detail.

I was surprised on how close the manhua and ‘The Untamed’ was to the novel. Although, the former condensed the mystery to fit within the timeframe while the latter hasn’t finished just yet.

Personally, I like this author, and will probably read more of her works further down the line. Even though the version I read was in english, I still could feel the meaning behind certain aspects which I think shows her skill as an author.

The novel clearly shows the mischief that goes through Wei Ying’s head and their gradual (I say gradual but I think Lan Zhan just snapped) change of attitudes towards each other.

Arc One- Mo Manor

Past here I’ll break down the first arc of each one because I think all of them did it in relatively different ways. Be warned for spoilers if you haven’t watched or read all of them.

The Untamed (2019)

Out of all of these versions, this one definitely had me scratching my head in confusion the most even after watching it a second time once I finished the entire show.

As the only version that had the curse issued at the start as a moving factor of the story as well as the Yin Iron which was specifically made for this version, it didn’t explain enough at the start.

There were many things I could say were wrong about this beginning, from starting at a flashback to not properly introducing us to our characters but the biggest problem in my mind was the lack of explanation at the present.

Like I mentioned, starting at a flashback is a terrible idea as it gives the viewer high expectations only for it to be crushed the second it ends. Here, it shows a small portion of the battle at the Nightless City without much context then it quickly changes to 16 years later with a seemingly random group of people.

Another issue is the amount of useless characters who were introduced. In the other versions, there were only 2 Lan disciples who were given names and were introduced properly while here there were more than I want to count. Add to that the one telling stories about the YiLing Patriarch and the weird guy walking around with a flag, and you got yourself total confusion.

Donghua

This one was slightly less confusing to watch. As it starts with a clip of Wei Ying commanding corpses which matches the overall feel of the donghua. The rumors that he died stretched over the time skip and we meet this version of Mo Xuanyu who is caked with make up, whether or not he was a cut-sleeve (gay) in this version, I forgot.

It fully explains the curse and instead of having a couple of Lan disciples just standing there watching, we get to focus on the 2 important ones, Lan Sizhui and Lan JiYing. It gives us a slightly deeper insight into Wei Ying’s mind, as he states ‘you got the wrong one,’ just after being reincarnated, indicating that he isn’t as vicious as painted by the first few minutes of the show. Like the other versions, they also show how he considers the cons of using his demonic abilities and that Sizhui would probably tell on him to Lan Zhan, meaning that Sizhui was a keen, observant young man.

Manhua and the Novel

As for the introductions, these two were very similar. Both have the rumors of the Yiling Patriarch across the screen as we get further down the story and meet our main character.

It gets the details from the Donghua adaptation and mixes it with more information to create a more detailed account of what was happening, also making this Wei Ying seem smarter compared to his counterparts in other versions. He also hesitates more on showing his abilities, knowing that he’s going to be caught if he does.

Final Thoughts

As of writing this, I’m only halfway through the novel but it covers the portion until where the manhua is currently at. I would finish reading it before posting this but it would take too long and probably make this post even longer than it currently is, which isn’t such a good idea. If I had much more patience and effort I would really like to break down each arc and their differences from one another but I can’t be bothered right now. (Sorry)

I can safely say that in terms of adaptations, ‘The Untamed’ is relatively close to the novel, albeit a very condensed version. As flashback filled as it is, it wasn’t very confusing to watch past the first two episodes.

The Donghua adaptation takes several liberties, going more of an action oriented route instead of the calmer more, I wouldn’t say love but character oriented novel.

The manhua is definitely the closest to the novel, so if you really don’t want to read a lot of words, and I mean a lot of words, then go ahead and read it.

What else do I have to say...if you’re new to the story, welcome, if you’re a veteran who’s been here longer than me, sorry for taking up space on your feed. And congrats for making it to the end.

[karkat62]

TONIGHT’S COMMENTS WILL BE ON CATS DON’T DANCE (1997). THIS FILM WAS SPECIFICALLY (AND REPEATEDLY, IN THE MOST ANNOYING WAY POSSIBLE) REQUESTED BY @hauteurhaunted. THIS ONE’S FOR YOU, SUCKER.

CATS DON’T DANCE IS A MUSICAL FILM ABOUT A CAT NAMED DANNY WHOSE BIG DREAM IS TO BE AN ACTOR IN HOLLYWOOD, SPECIFICALLY STARRING IN AN UNSPECIFIED “BIG PICTURE”. WITH HIS GOAL IN MIND, DANNY SETS OUT TO THE PLACE WHERE MOVIES ARE MADE AND GOES ABOUT IT IN THE MOST BASIC WAY THAT HE CAN: THROUGH A TALENT AGENT SPECIALIZING IN ANIMAL ACTORS. THERE HE MEETS A VARIETY OF FELLOW ANIMALS, ALTHOUGH MOST ARE UNIMPORTANT, WITH THE EXCEPTION OF ANOTHER CAT NAMED SAWYER. DANNY’S DREAMS ARE SOON JUSTLY SHOT OUT OF THE SKY BY AN UNWIELDY GOD HURLING A LIGHTNING BOLT (AKA JUST A FAMOUS CHILD ACTOR WHO IS ALSO A COMPLETE BRAT). NOW FACED WITH REALITY, DANNY BOUNCES BETWEEN HIS NORMAL HOPEFUL OPTIMISM AND GIVING UP. SOME MINDLESS STUFF HAPPENS IN THE MIDDLE. THE WHOLE FILM CULMINATES IN THE GROUP OF ANIMALS SHOWING THE ANTAGONIST, DARLA, WHAT’S WHAT. THE END.

I’D LIKE TO BEGIN BY BRIEFLY COVERING WHY FILMS TAKE ON THE GENRES AND STYLINGS THAT THEY DO IN ORDER TO PORTRAY THEIR STORY. WHEN BASED ON TRUE STORIES, MUSICALS TEND TO OPERATE IN A UNIQUE REALM BETWEEN REALITY AND FICTION, GIVEN THAT IN DAY-TO-DAY LIFE, PEOPLE DON’T JUST GO AROUND BREAKING OUT INTO SONG, EVEN IF THAT WOULD BE THE EASIEST WAY TO END MY FORSAKEN LIFE. WHEN RESTING COMPLETELY IN FICTION, MUSICAL NUMBERS ARE TYPICALLY USED TO FEATURE WILD AND ASININE PLOT ELEMENTS, OVER THE TOP EFFECTS, AND A BLATANT ATTEMPT TO GET ON THE HUMAN TOP 40 CHART. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHAT MAKES A MUSICAL GOOD OR BAD IS TYPICALLY WHAT THE CREATIVE TEAM IS USING THE MUSIC FOR. IS IT BEING UTILIZED IN A WAY THAT PUSHES THE STORY FORWARD? DOES IT TELL US MORE ABOUT THE CHARACTERS? IS IT JUST THROWN IN THERE BECAUSE IT’S BEEN FIVE MINUTES SINCE SOMEONE LAST CARRIED A NOTE AND WE DON’T WANT THE AUDIENCE TO FALL ASLEEP? TYPICALLY, THE MOST WIDELY REGARDED MEDIA OF THIS GENRE USES MUSIC TO REVEAL ASPECTS OF CHARACTER AND PORTRAY ACTIONS IN A FLUID, YET REVEALING, MANNER. THE MUSIC ISN’T THROWN IN HAPHAZARDLY JUST TO HAVE A NOTE OR TWO, IT’S USED BECAUSE IT’S THE BEST MEDIUM TO TELL THE STORY. AS MANY IN THE BROADWAY INDUSTRY SAY, “YOU SING WHEN YOU CAN NO LONGER SPEAK.”

SO. WHERE DOES THIS FILM FALL INTO THAT MIX? WELL. WHY DON’T WE PUT IT LIKE THIS: THE FILM IS 75 MINUTES LONG, WHICH ISN’T PARTICULARLY LONG EVEN FOR AN ANIMATED FILM, AND IT FEATURES 8 SONGS, EACH ONE STRETCHING FOR 2-4 MINUTES. EVERY SONG IS HEARD BY ALL CHARACTERS, AND ONLY ONE REVEALS ANYTHING THAT A CHARACTER MIGHT OTHERWISE NOT SAY ALOUD. SO! WITH THAT IN MIND. IT’S A SHITTY FUCKING EXAMPLE OF THE MUSICAL GENRE. “BUT KARKAT! CAN’T A MUSICAL FILM JUST BE FUN??? DOES IT ALL HAVE TO MEAN SOMETHING?????” OF COURSE IT CAN BE FUN, DIPSHIT. THE ISSUE ISN’T THAT IT’S NOT FUN, THE ISSUE IS THAT IT TRIES TO BE A MOVIE THAT IS *MORE* THAN FUN. IT TRIES TO MAKE COMMENTARY, BUT DOESN’T FULLY COMMIT ITSELF BECAUSE THE COMMENTARY IT’S SPEAKING ON ISN’T A FUN TOPIC, SO INSTEAD IT FALLS FACE-FIRST INTO MEDIOCRITY, RIGHT BETWEEN “GOOD AT MAKING COMMENTARY” AND “GOOD AT BEING FUN” BECAUSE IN 75 MINUTES, YOU CERTAINLY CAN’T BE BOTH.

TO EXPAND A LITTLE MORE ON THE IDEA OF MUSICAL NUMBERS TELLING US SOMETHING ABOUT THE CHARACTER THAT THEY’RE INCAPABLE OF SPEAKING, I’D LIKE TO QUICKLY TAKE A LOOK AT THE BROADWAY SHOW BANDSTAND. THIS IS A GREAT SHOW TO COMPARE TO CATS DON’T DANCE, BECAUSE THE FOUNDATION OF STORYTELLING IS THE SAME: IN CATS DON’T DANCE, THE CHARACTERS ARE WANNABE ACTORS AND SINGERS, SO OF COURSE THEY’RE SHOWCASING THEIR TALENTS AND NOT JUST SPEWING THEIR GELATINOUS SONG CHUNKS INTO THE VOID OF THE PANSPACE WHERE NO ONE CAN HEAR THEM. IN BANDSTAND, THE CHARACTERS ARE (YOU GUESSED IT!) IN A BAND, USING THE SAME EXCUSE FOR MANY OF THE MUSICAL NUMBERS TO BE HEARD BY ALL. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO IS THAT BANDSTAND STILL TAKES THE CHARACTERS ASIDE TO GIVE THEM CHARACTER-DRIVEN NUMBERS THAT ALLOW US TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THEM. MEANWHILE, *EVERY* MUSICAL PIECE IN CATS DON’T DANCE IS SOME IN-UNIVERSE VOYEUR’S WET DREAM, BECAUSE THEY JUST TO SOAK UP EVERY JUICY WORD OF IT. IN BANDSTAND, WE GET TO LEARN OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS’ EMOTIONAL PLIGHT, WHAT DRIVES THEM TO MAKE THEIR CHOICES, AND HOW EXACTLY THEIR EXPERIENCES IN THE WAR HAVE CHANGED THEM. WE GET DEPTH AND BACKSTORY, ALTHOUGH I WILL ADMIT THAT THIS IS EASIER TO ACHIEVE GIVEN THAT IT HAS A LONGER RUNTIME THAN CATS DON’T DANCE. STILL! WHY DON’T WE GO AHEAD AND COMPARE A SONG FROM EACH. THE FIRST SONG OF BANDSTAND, TITLED “JUST LIKE IT WAS BEFORE”, TAKES US THROUGH THE EXPERIENCES OF ONE DONNY (HEY! ALMOST SAME NAME) NOVITSKI IN SOME.... HUMAN WAR. WHATEVER. ANYWAY. WITHIN THE FIRST MINUTE AND A HALF OF THE SONG, WE’RE GIVEN HIS TRAUMATIC BACKSTORY BEFORE MOVING INTO CURRENT TIMES, GOING FROM A SLOW-MOVING WEIGHTY SONG TO SOMETHING UPBEAT AND HOPEFUL AS HE RETURNS TO SOCIETY. THE CHARACTERS IN THIS SONG AREN’T *ACTUALLY* SINGING TO EACH OTHER, BUT INSTEAD FLOWING BETWEEN SCENES AND CARRYING OVER THEIR THOUGHTS AND EXPECTATIONS AS THEY GO. WE’RE TAKEN THROUGH MORE LITERAL EVENTS AS WELL, INCLUDING HIM TRYING TO GET A JOB. ETC ETC. MEANWHILE, THE FIRST MAJOR SONG OF CATS DON’T DANCE, “DANNY’S ARRIVAL SONG” TELLS US ONCE AGAIN THAT DANNY WANTS TO BE AN ACTOR AND THAT HE WORSHIPS THE CONCEPT OF HOLLYWOOD, SOMETHING THAT HAS ALREADY BEEN EXPRESSED THROUGH SPEAKING MOMENTS EARLIER IN THE FILM. IT HAS A LYRICAL STRUCTURE OF A GENERIC POP SONG, REITERATING REPEATEDLY THAT HE REALLY LIKES HOLLYWOOD. WOW. HOLLYWOOD. OH LOOK, MORE HOLLYWOOD. THREE FUCKING MINUTES OF “WOW HOLLYWOOD IS COOL”. GREAT. THANKS. I HAD NO IDEA! ANYWAY, IT’S BAD. ALSO THE MUSIC SUCKS.

THE ONE SONG THAT *ALMOST* REDEEMED IT FOR ME WAS “TELL ME LIES” WHICH IS SUNG BY SAWYER, THE FEMALE CAT THAT DANNY MEETS WHEN HE FIRST ARRIVES IN HOLLYWOOD. NOW THIS ONE HAS SOME POTENTIAL! IN IT, SHE EXPRESSES MORE OR LESS HOW SHE’S GOING TO MISS DANNY ONCE HE’S KICKED OUT OF THE CITY, WHICH IS SOMETHING THAT HAS BEEN SUGGESTED BY HER CHARACTER BEFORE BUT NOT TOUCHED ON FULLY UNTIL NOW. GREAT! FINALLY SOME FUCKING DEVELOPMENT. UNFORTUNATELY, IT’S RUINED AT THE LAST SECOND BY A SIDE CHARACTER COMING IN AND GOING “WOW THAT WAS A COOL SONG. HAHA. YOU LIKE A BOY.” WHICH IS PUMPBREAKING FOR ME BECAUSE I WAS ON THE TRACK TO ENJOYING SOMETHING ABOUT THE MUSIC ASPECT OF THIS FILM. OH WELL! ALSO, I’D LIKE TO MENTION THAT I WAS VERY DISTRACTED BY THEIR CHOICE TO INCLUDE A REFERENCE TO THE WIZARD OF OZ (1939), IF ONLY BECAUSE IT’S A UNIQUE PIECE OF MEDIA THAT, IF YOU’RE UNAWARE, HAS BEEN STUCK IN COPYRIGHT LIMBO SINCE THE FILM’S RELEASE. IT’S AN INTERESTING TOPIC TO LOOK INTO IF YOU’RE EVER BORED.

AS FAR AS THE REST OF THE STORYTELLING: IT’S FINE, I GUESS. IT’S VERY FAST-PACED, WHICH IS TO BE EXPECTED OF SUCH A SHORT FILM, BUT IT FEELS LIKE I’VE BEEN THROWN DOWN A RIVER AND TOLD THAT I BETTER LEARN HOW TO SWIM ASAP. THE ANIMATION IS LIVELY AND INTERESTING, ALTHOUGH I WILL NEVER BE COMPLETELY SATISFIED WITH ANIMATION THAT DOESN’T SPEAK ON THE UNIQUE CHARACTERS. IT’S PRETTY MUCH GOT THE SAME STYLE OF MOVEMENT FOR EVERY LIVING CREATURE IN THE FILM, WITH THE EXCEPTION OF DANNY, WHO ALMOST HAS HIS OWN THING GOING ON. ALMOST. MY FAVORITE CHARACTER WAS SAWYER, UNTIL THE CREATORS DECIDED TO LIE TO THEIR AUDIENCE AND TELL EVERYONE THAT LOVE IS REAL, WHICH IT MOST CERTAINLY IS NOT. THEN SHE WENT SOFT AND THAT ASPECT OF MY ENJOYMENT WAS DOWN THE TUBES, TOO.

ANYWAY. I’M GOING TO END THIS HERE, EVEN THOUGH THERE’S REALLY A LOT MORE TO SAY. OVERALL RATING WAS A 5/10.

AS ALWAYS, IF YOU HAVE ANOTHER FILM THAT YOU’D LIKE ME TO CHECK OUT AND TALK ABOUT, YOU CAN FIND ME IN MY INBOX OR AT KARKAT@KARKAT.MYSPACE. SEE YA.

[picsofsannyas]

Interview with Veereshwar.

 The Shadow of the Whip. Wednesday. 1 December 1976

Veereshwar talks about how he came to know of Osho and the changes he feels he has gone through as a  sannyasin in the last month.

Maneesha: Can you talk about your relationship with  Osho? Often people feel that initially it was of a certain nature and that it evolves over a period into something different.

Veereshwar: Yes, I would say initially.. He’s always, always been really wonderful with me. I mean, he’s always given me lots of energy, a lot of love-energy, and I don’t know why that is. The first time I was here-and I was here just for the ten-day camps-I experienced, in a way, that he was courting me.  Courting is a less auspicious word  than I would really use, but he was drawing me to him and giving me a lot of consideration.

I didn’t come to India to find a teacher or to see Osho or anything, I wasn’t coming out of need..  I didn’t feel need at the time. So I think he was aware of that to-you know, that he wasn’t talking to someone who was in a lot of pain and distress. Then in the year and a half that its been since I was last here, I think that a lot of the structures that had been holding me together when I came the first time started collapsing more and more. This time I came out of need and it was a real struggle for me to come. I was definitely coming to see Osho.

I felt this time, although he’s been very loving with me in many ways, that he was much harder on me. He started with, instead of, “No, that’s all right-things will be okay,” he really came down very hard on some very fundamental aspects that he wanted to see reduced-out of the way.

For instance when I first came I just told him that I really felt I had lost all my self-confidence, I had lost my sense of authority, and I was presenting these things to him in a negative way. He was feeding them back to me as positive things-that that was really the beginning of movement for me.

So I feel a little more this time that he’s been like a Zen Master. And I see that when one comes here seriously, the best way to come here is as absolutely nothing, because that’s what is going to happen to you here anyway.  And any expectations you have about being something will soon be eliminated.  

I also have the sense that the more deeply involved I get with him, the harder it will be. Somehow the closer you come to him, the harder and more fundamental the issues are. So I feel a little less comforted, and I feel a little bit more frightened in a way about my commitment to him because I see that it involves this.

It’s absolute in a way. There’s no kind of way out.  I mean, if you’re going to be with Osho, that’s what’s going to happen-you’re going to get more and more immersed, and then you’re going to come to a deeper level of your resistance all the time.

There has always been, in my relationship with him, a level in which I was not relating to a person-I was just relating to a source of truth and I’ve always related to that source of truth. So when I came to Osho for the first time, I had no resistance to becoming a sannyasin even though I was involved with Arica. I’ve never created any problems for myself about that because I just felt like he was a source, and I had no resistance. I mean, I had a deep attraction to that source within myself, a priori, before Osho, but Osho somehow is the mouthpiece of it.        

Another thing was that Osho was really concurrent with the development within myself. When I came to India the first time, I had no reason to come and I decided-I made a conscious decision for the first time in my life-to do something without a reason-and also I had a distinct feeling that my heart was drawing me to India. This was before I even knew anything about Osho. So I came riding on my heart and with no reason...  which was a really appropriate way to come, and that’s of course the first message that he gave me.

I guess I have a fear of being really dependent upon him as a person in the world because he might die. Next time I come he might be in a glass case and you won’t even be able to speak to him at all, and I don’t feel like I can rely on my own personal contact with him at all. Firstly I can’t rely on that; secondly, I can’t rely on him being around very long. So I had this feeling that I want to get more deeply involved with him and, at the same time, be more autonomous from him.

Maneesha: See you feel that you’re learning that balance?

Veereshwar: Yes, that balance, in the West. I mean it’s incredibly difficultly in the West. People go through a lot of things here, but in the West the whole mentality is so antithetical to what’s happening here.. To what he’s propounding.

Another thing which he talked to me about was my need to improve-which is present in almost every moment of my existence. He put me in touch with that and told me to drop it. If I really could drop it, it would drop a lot of my ego. But that’s just totally intrinsic in the West, because their so caught up in it. I mean, it’s fundamental in the West, and particularly to the American mentality-progress, improvement.

Maneesha: See you don’t feel aware of him, or relate to him, as a personality?

Veereshwar: Oh, I find him incredibly beautiful, but that’s not a deep part of my attachment to him. I was looking at his hands last night-how fine..  He’s just an incredible looking man.

I’ve always had a feeling about him that, “Wow! I recognise this man from somewhere!” There’s a deep recognition. I’m sure it has something to do with past lives or something because it feels at that level, at that depth. I mean, it’s almost as if it’s me or something.  It’s difficult to me to say..

There’s something in me that defends against a   personal attachment to him. I’m in love with him at a deep level, but being personally attached..

There’s a story that he relates in one of his lectures about when the Buddha died. There was one of Buddha’s disciples who was just sitting there who wasn’t weeping-everybody else was freaking out and crying, and there was this one who didn’t cry.

He said, “Well, he’s not gone. He’s still here.” Do you remember that story?  He said, “The Buddha is not gone. He’s not any less with us now than he was before“.

That really stuck with me-that I want to be that kind of disciple. When he goes I want it to be all right with me. That two may contain some elements of resistance, but somehow I have this feeling that though I love to talk to him-even though I am greedy about talking to him as you know-I don’t want to base my relationship with him on that.

To me he’s a medium for relating to my own source, and I want that relationship to my own source to be strengthened through him, and not become dependent upon my relationship with him.

Maneesha:  Can you talk about the way you see Osho working on you indirectly-ways he uses other than when he is talking to you directly?

Veereshwar: I see him setting up a lot of things. For instance, with Amit.. I’ll be very careful about what friends I bring from now on! (Laughter). Because I feel that he used Amit, he used our relationship to instruct us. Quite literally he did that, and he also did it in many ways that I was barely aware of, by making me see a lot of things.

I have been living with Amitabh and  Amit and in a sense I feel their extremes and their processes and that has made It almost possible to not have to go through the same things for myself. A lot of things that they are going through, because they are going through them, I don’t have too. So there would be an example of Osho working indirectly.

Veereshwar said that waiting for three months for Osho’s reply to a letter he had written him from West had put him through a lot of changes-first thinking Osho was Ignoring him, and having to make his own decision about the issue on which he had written to Osho. He felt that was another way Osho had worked on him indirectly.

I hear a lot of people talking about certain significant points and coincidences and synchronicity’s, and one person will say, “Osho is doing that.” But my sense of it is that it happens around him as a function of where he’s at..  But it’s not controlled. People want to say that he’s controlling things, but somehow it’s where he is that creates what’s happening.

Teertha was telling me the other day that he felt in some deep way I lacked trust in my self. I feel what Osho gave me to do in those workshops is a distinct way of getting more.. relying more and more on that trust. (In a later Darshan, Osho told Veereshwar to be a vehicle for him, to be empty and allow Osho to work through him.)

Veereshwar went on to talk about what kind of therapy he does

Veereshwar: I’m really a teacher rather than a therapist and I teach in a lot of universities and adult education programmes. I tend to teach a process and in an evening I’ll put people through a certain process. But there are many processes-not just one. It’s like Osho gives many different lectures and in one lecture he will give one map of evolution and in another lecture it will be another map, and so I work with many forms.

Veereshwar was involved with Esalen and  Arica at different times, and had taken part in co-counselling. Before that he was a university professor of philosophy, and earlier still, involved in acting and the theatre.

Veereshwar: When I studied comparative religion I somehow knew that there was one religion, and many scholars have tried to formulate what that one religion is. I mean, the problem is not whether there is one religion but how to formulate it.

As far as that quest has been concerned-a purely academic quest-Osho was kind of a getting in touch with the state being manifest..  The stat at which religion is one.

Maneesha: So when you met Osho, was there no doubt in your mind from the beginning that he was the source of truth as you have said?

You immediately recognised him?

Veereshwar: Yes and I just glided in..  I mean, I just rejoiced.  I took sannyas because I wanted to establish a real connection..  I wanted to manifest the connection that I already felt.

Maneesha: Did the ashram seemed very different to you coming back this time?

Veereshwar: Yes, it did. It’s just bigger, more complex.. The ways of it are more fixed on the whole. I feel like it’s becoming more and more ritualised, the whole thing-of being around him. It’ll be interesting to see what happens when he goes, because he has so explicitly forbidden any kind of religious ritual being built up. It’ll be Interesting to see how we deal with that-with the fact that we’ve been told not to create an institution.

Maneesha: Do you feel that the presence of the groups has added something to the energy of the ashram?

Veereshwar: Yes, definitely.  One thing that attracted me so much to Osho was that all of us in the West who are working in these directions are kind of groping for something that we see “through a glass darkly“, and I felt that Osho was on the other side of the glass. That he really sees it, or that he really  illuminates what’s on the other side of the glass-what all this growth work is moving towards.

I mean all of us are intuitively moving in that direction, and I think that it’s totally right on of him to bring all those things that are moving in that direction and to give them clarification.

That’s what I loved about Teertha’s group-that this wasn’t just an encounter group; it was an encounter group with a really viable sense behind it of what enlightenment is.  Not just a kind of groping but it is really going someplace.

I see all the group work as very important. It’s the kind of median, it’s the half-way point, and it’s necessary for Westerners to have it. I love it. I think it’s the ultimate growth centre-to have the enlightened one there with all the sophistication of the techno.. Osho wouldn’t like that word.. but the existential technologies or whatever they are, around him.

That takes a lot of the strain off him, because when I was here a year and a half ago, he was the only group leader.  Now people get threaded through these processes, and then when they come to him, a lot is already accomplished.

A long time ago when I was in India I envisaged a kind of world university, a centre, an existential university, where people could come to grow. Arica was like that to me in a way, and this is even a little closer to that vision because of Osho.

Maneesha: Can you talk about your experience of the Encounter group?

Veereshwar: I would say that basically it threw me into complete confusion.

Maneesha: (laughing) You mean you weren’t in complete confusion before?

Veereshwar: (grinning):No, not in complete confusion..  Incomplete confusion!  I got in touch with a lot of things that I know about, having done a lot of work on myself and knowing the mind in a very subtle way.  I knew that more or less hypothetically, but I had it really laid on me.

Also a lot more in touch with defences against feelings, and ways that I prevent myself from really being who I am. Actually I thought I was further along..  I thought I was further along than I am, but I also knew that things weren’t right. So to know that things aren’t right in way’s that I thought they were, is a step, a good step.

It was one of the most unpleasant experiences that I have ever had. About half of it was really a nightmare for me. I was hoping that at the end of it I would suddenly emerge feeling wonderful, and that didn’t exactly happened either. Deep in my mind is the sense that it is appropriate, or the best thing is to reach some sort of plateau of feeling good. Again at a different level I realised that that’s not the case.

I got in touch with a lot of violence and aggression in myself of which I wasn’t aware. I used to have temper tantrums as a child and had done some co-counselling where there was a lot of pillow fighting, but I experienced it in a raw way this time, that it was very difficult for me to jump across the barriers-the barriers that keep me from experiencing those things. Sometimes I felt I should have done more in that way, but I just was the way I was and I certainly had the chance to look at it.

Maneesha: Do you think there is anything about the group that makes it different from a group in the West-the fact that group members are all sannyasins, the group is run by a sannyasin and Osho is nearby?

Veereshwar: Well, one has the sense that the ultimate cosmic order is nearby.. That though there is the chaos-as bad as it may be in the proximity of that little cell where you’re working-still the cosmic order is. So I think that it allows you to go further. It allows you to take a bigger jump.

Maneesha: So it felt to you to be a safer environment?

Veereshwar: Ultimately safer, though I felt I spent a lot of time feeling very unsafe! Just Osho’s presence, you know, and the discourses every day-very soothing and even a kind of nourishment of your essence, and then your ego is freaking out all day!  It’s a different kind of balance and juxtaposition of elements from anything I’ve ever experienced In West.

Maneesha: What do you envisage in the future about what is happening through Osho? Do you think that it’s really going to have ripples and expand out all over the world?

Veereshwar: Yes, definitely..  especially through his books. I can see it happening in California. When I first went back there, people hadn’t heard about him very much at all, but more and more people are turning on to him because he’s the real thing.  There are a lot of things that catch on in California, but I feel that Osho is the real thing. I mean he is really enlightened and he’s an infinite source.

I do have this hope that someday Indira Gandhi will become so obnoxious that he’ll have to come to Santa Barbara or something! I Think if it happened it would be incredible. On the other hand I see that his being here has a certain poetry to it-that you have to come all the way round the world to see him..  But he’s so remote, he’s a kind of distant star.

Osho is a master of theatre. I’m a theatre person myself and I refer to it in my letters to him as this God theatre. I mean, it’s   immaculate.

Maneesha: But what’s drawing people from California who are deeply saturated in gurus and spirituality already?

Veereshwar: That he’s a real star.. Because he is really enlightened, because California is tantric. A spontaneous tantric philosophy is happening in California, and people recognise it immediately when they read what he says. Corresponding to that is Osho’s upfront, no-bullshit way of dealing with sex.  That’s the first thing that hits people. “Well, he’s someone who is not brushing it aside.” Everybody is deeply confused about sex because they have passed beyond the conventions and the formalities, everybody has done it and they’ve done everything, and still it doesn’t make sense, but he is somebody who is  copping to all that and taking it further.

So that’s what he is known as in California-as the tantric master, and people vaguely associate Tantra with sex. So that’s the gross attraction that he has. But it’s good-Osho is Infinitely more than that, but even that is really something. Osho is the only one who is not in confusion about it or putting it aside.

That was my sense of him-he really sees that sex is an energy, and we are as ignorant of this as we were in the 17th century before the understanding of steam energy.  

Then as people get more and more involved in him, it doesn’t stop. He’s not just a sex therapist. You get in on that and then you discover another facet of him and another facet.

Maneesha: So you feel that people involved in growth will find their way  here as a natural culmination of the work they are doing?

Veereshwar: Well, the thing that I described to you before is that we are all working toward something intuitively, and that we see that thing “through a glass darkly“. What we see from Osho is a light coming from the other side of that, so the thing that has led us into growth techniques and has made us what we are, is drawing us closer to Osho. It’s just totally natural.

I mean I have three or four totally genius friends who are just here with me whenever I’m here, because they are here!  This is absolutely what are doing.  They’ll be here too, I imagine..  More big egos arriving from the West!  (Laughter)

[skgway]

1823 Aug., Tues. 5

7

11

In the stable etc. 1/2 hour – Read from page 71 to 83 on “the letters and life of Ninon de l’Enclos” volume 8 (No. [numero] 15) Retrospective Review – I agree with the reviewer – some fastidious readers may possibly object to the publication of such an article thro’ such a medium –

Dissatisfied with several passages of the letter I wrote last night to M– [Mariana]. Wrote it over again in 3/4 hour in a hand so much less close, that in spite of the great deal left out, made it fill 3 pages and a few lines of crossing on the 2nd page – There seemed some appearance of annoyance and displeasure in my 1st letter which I entirely avoided in my 2nd –

Went down to breakfast at 9 40/60 – At 11 took George in the gig and set off to Haugh – Put a letter into the post for my uncle, and got to Haughend in 50 minutes – All the party at home with the addition of “Captain” Butler, a very grood sort of, vulgar, quondam Captain of an Indiaman – The young people did not appear till luncheon –

Sir John A– [Astley] franked my letters to Mrs. N[orcliffe] (Langton hall, Malton) to Miss Marsh (Micklegate York) and to M– [Mariana] (Lawton hall, Lawton, Cheshire) and they went in the Haughend letter bag in time for yesterday’s post – Nothing particular in the conversation way –

Sir John somehow or other inquired if I believed all Homer’s stories, or that there ever was such a place as Troy, or such a siege – I saw he had read Bryton or some sceptic on the subject and was very gentle in what I said in support of my historical creed – At last Sir John (after some flimsy observation) tried to shew that women were as much respected in ancient days as now – Briseis as much respected by Achilles, as wives were respected by their husbands now – Woman as well treated then as now – He (Sir John) would have treated lady A– [Astley] as well at that time as he does at this – I did not say much, not wishing to appear to have too much the better of the question argument for none said a word about it but ourselves, and Sir John is evidently looked up to as an oracle by them all, tho’ his responses will never set the Thames on fire by their wisdom –

He complimented his wife exceedingly – In fact, she is pretty enough, stylish enough, sensible enough, everything enough for him – Speaking of their place of family, she observed she “always thought the Astleys were an envied family in Wiltshire” “My dear” said he “they envy me for having got you” –

It is plain enough to me from their manners etc. etc. that they not exactly comme il faut with the Wiltshire county society – They have had the house in London that Sir Jacob Astley and his family had had, and many calls were therefore made upon them by mistake – They returned some – Were admitted at one house, the manners of the ladies shewed they were not expected, and the A– [Astley]s took their leave – A party was soon afterwards given by the family, and they (the A– [Astley]s) were not asked – They do not get on in London society – Nor as yet perhaps are they likely to do – Nor will Miss A– [Astley] even after “she has been presented” (at court) –

Lady A– [Astley] has not worldly nous enough to keep all these things to herself – Thinks Mrs. William Henry Rawson very ladylike, Ditto Mr. Christopher Rawson – The manners of the Society here suit the A– [Astley]s very well – Captain Butler it seems has had 1 or 2 premiums from the Doncaster society (I know nothing of this society) for feeding horses – Kept his draft-horses throughout the winter at 3/5 a head on chopt straw and line-seed – His saddle horses only cost him about 5/. [shillings] a week having nearly the same as the cart-horse with the addition of a little hay and corn –

Boils down the linseed to the consistence of cream – Perhaps about 2 quarts water to a pint of lineseed – Mixes this with their oats or chopt straw to a proper  (a mashy?) consistence, and gives them as much as they will eat – A chopping machine at Doncaster 7 1/2 guineas – Try our horses with about 2 wine-glasses full of linseed at first – Merely pour on boiling water – and let the seed stand till it is mucilaginous –

This plan is good for feeding cattle – It is the way in which dealers fatten up horses – But it wont do for hunters, or horses from which speed is required – The linseed works away to greasy perspiration – Runs out of the anals like melted fat – They must have good hay and corn for speed – But cart-horses do uncommonly well on this food – 

They all like Caradoc – Think him “a very likely horse” – His toes turn in a little: this is best for a gig-horse – If the toes turn at all outwards, the gig horse can scarcely ever keep his feet – He cannot hold up up hill and down – 

Staid till about 3 – Called at Saville hill to ask Miss P– [Pickford] whether, when she called with me at Haughend, she meant to call on lady A– [Astley] or not – Not – Asked her to come to Shibden to see Caradoc’s long switch tail cut – She would meet me at the library in 1/2 hour –

At 4 1/4 – drove thro’ the town, past Northgate, and Crosshills, and turned up by Greenhill, stopt at Furnish’s, and got a pair of new reins 10/6 – Left George to drive the gig home from Northgate, and without going into the house, went to the library – Shewed Miss P– [Pickford] the article respecting Ninon de l’Enclos (vide the 1st line of today) and the points of Humour (vide page 79) – She agreed with the retrospective reviewers, and with me that the soldier and his chére amie was the best print –

She walked home with me to the top of our little lane, but must there return for the children who would come to meet her – We walked about on the top of the bank – My aunt joined us – She left us in about 20 minutes (at 6) – 

We then walked to H–x [Halifax] – Miss P– [Pickford] returned with me up the old bank even to xxxxxx. I walked back again with her a little way up the Cunnery lane, when we met her party of children – 3 Wilcocks, 2 Paleys, and Miss Jones the governess, and we parted –

Our chief conversation about Miss Threlfall and my entreaties to see her last letter. Nothing could prevail till at last I asked if she feared its telling me anything I did not know before. On finding this the case, I said I would soon sooner move this fear by proving that I was not as still suspected in any degree of uncertainty. 

I wondered she did not know this already, but I had wrapped up my meaning too much and she should now have it so clearly that no doubt could possibly remain in her mind. Upon this I said I considered her connection with her friend a marriage of souls and something more. That if they were on a visit and their friend provided them separate rooms it would be unnecessary and they would presently defeat this arrangement by being together. 

Under other circumstances it would have been a wonder that with beauty fortune etc. etc. Miss Threlfall did not marry but now it was no wonder at all. Asked Miss P[ickford] if she now understood me thoroughly. She said yes. I said any would censure unqualifiedly but I did not. If it had been done from books and not from nature, the thing would have been different. Or if there had been any inconsistency first on one side of the question, then the other. But as it was, nature was the guide, and I had nothing to say there was no parallel between a case like this and the sixth satire of Juvenal. The one was artificial and inconsistent the other was the effect of nature and always consistent with itself.

At all events, said I, ‘you remember an early chapter of genesis and it is infinitely better than the thing alluded to there,’ meaning onanism. ‘This is surely comparatively unpardonable. There is no mutual affection to excuse it’. Miss P[ickford] did not say much but seemed satisfied. 

‘Now,’ said I, ‘the difference between you and me is mine is theory. Yours practice. I am taught by books, you by nature. I am very warm in friendship, perhaps few or none. Moreso, my manners might mislead you, but but I do not in reality go beyond the utmost verge of friendship. Here my feelings stop. If they did not, you see from my whole manner and sentiments I should not care to own it. Now do you believe me?’ ‘Yes,’ said she, ‘I do.’ 

‘Alas,’ thought I to myself, ‘you are at last deceived completely.’ My conscience almost smote me but I thought of π [Mariana]. It is for her sake that I fisrt [first] thought of being, and that I am so deceitful to poor Pic, who trusts me so implicitly and at last turned no objection to my seeing the letter. I said perhaps there was not another in the world she could trust so safely. Perhaps not Miss Caroline Renouard, she was not read or liberal enough tto [to] think as I did. She would condemn unqualifiedly. Pick agreed. 

I owned my manners might mislead people, particularly before I knew as much as I do now, before I read Lubinus’s Juvenal, before I first knew Miss Brown of whom she has heard reports. But now I knew how to be more careful. Yet still, my manners might mislead Miss Vrelfall [Threlfall]. She said, ‘yes they would’ –

I ended by saying I was now satisfied that she thoroughly understood me and that I had had an opportunity of telling her my sentiments, for she must often have wondered and not known what to make of me. We parted mutually satisfied, I musing on what had passed. I am now let into her secret and she forever barred from mine – Are there more Miss Pickfords in the world than I have before thought of –

Came in to dinner a little before 7 – Had ordered George to have the gig ready a little before 9 in the morning to go to Huddersfield to speak to Pontey about coming over to plan our new road to the house, etc. – But finding my uncle against it contrary to my expectation – (I had always thought all he said against it in joke) – I immediately countermanded the order very quietly determining never to mention the thing again – Nor to mention planting or otherwise improving the place –

I told my uncle very quietly I certainly would not teaze him any more on the subject; and I shall indeed change my mind, if I do – The thing absolutely did not annoy me at all – I immediately thought to myself, ‘perhaps it is best as it is – I incur no responsibility – etc. etc.’ Perhaps I may save my money in future instead of laying it out on the place and leave things as they are –

Barometer 1 3/4 degrees below changeable Fahrenheit 56º at 9 p.m. – Rainy morning till between 10 & 11, afterwards a shower or 2 which I escaped and otherwise a toleraby fine day i.e. fine afternoon and evening – Came upstairs at 10 25/60. E [two dots, treating venereal complaint] O [three dots, signifying much discharge] Missed washing just before dinner –

Miss Pickford called this morning and sat a little while with my aunt – She brought me Samouelle’s system of Entomology to read –

[sideways in margin] Major P– [Priestley], speaking of horses that went near the ground, called daisy-croppers – i.e. going so near the ground as to crop or strike off the tops of the daisies – Drove along the new road today for the 1st time

“the soldier and his chére amire“– Points of humour; illustrated by the designs of George Cruikshank [x]

[konan-supernova]

WHOOOO WROTE THIS IN LIKE AN HOUR WITH NO EDITING HERE Y'ALL GO

WARNINGS: spoilers for the Steven Universe finale, (probably) inaccurate depictions of therapy, and mention of trauma (let me know if I missed anything)

---

Steven fiddled with the hem of his shirt, picking at the few loose threads he found hanging around. He was careful not to pull on them, though, as he was looking to avoid unraveling half his shirt during his first therapy session here. He wanted to at least try to make a good impression.

Speaking of which, he was already pretty sure this wasn't a fit for him. He'd already gotten a strange impression here. Connie had recommended he try out a few different specialists before settling on one…. Despite having not yet met the doctor, he was already uncomfortable in the space.

The sign in the waiting room had been flipped from "Quiet! Session in session!" to "Come on in, patient!" when Steven got there, so he had settled into the office room where he was supposed to meet his potential therapist. Nobody was there at first, so Steven waited for about a minute and a half, taking time to examine the room.

The office was way less serious than he'd been expecting: the bookshelves and desk were covered in cartoon and kids movie memorabilia, and the walls were bright and decorated with various animal stickers. It felt a bit too childish for Steven, who was trying to deal with his more adult problems as he grew older. He wasn't really looking to be treated like a child again.

So, yeah. He'd sit through the session and let Dad know that he wanted to try someone else.

He jumped as the door clicked open behind him, though the hallway outside was empty. Had the door opened on its own, or…?

"Tears of sorrow, tears of joy-"

What? That's… no way!

"-there'll be tears to the very end!"

Is my therapist singing...

"Food with feelings-"

...the theme song for…

"-Crying Breakfast Friends!"

Steven blinked as the doctor jumped into the office, swinging his arms wildly as he finished the song.

"Hello, hello, hello! My name's Dr. Picani, and you must be my new patient!"

"Um, yeah. Steven Universe, nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too, Steven!" Picani performed a deep bow, bouncing upright a second later. He sat at his desk and pulled out a journal, adjusting his glasses.

"So, what can I do 'ya for?"

"Well, I had a pretty bad breakdown recently, and I wanted to talk about it, and, um, prevent myself from getting that bad again."

"Alright, Steven. That kind of thing is perfectly normal, especially for teenagers," Picani set down his journal, leaning back into his chair. "It can be very hard to deal with the powerful emotions that come with puberty, and-"

"I don't think it was just that," Steven sighs. And fine, he's really going to try, he's really going to be open and honest with this quack.

"Can you elaborate?"

"Um, yeah. Only if, uh, if you promise to believe me. At least to listen to me."

"It's my job to listen, Steven."

And he really was listening, by the looks of things: he was leaned forward now, arms resting on his desk with his journal in hand. He was staring at Steven intently, but not accusingly. It was a gentle, almost parental gaze.

Steven felt very, very safe then, for reasons he couldn't quite describe.

"I'll start at the beginning."

"It's a very good place to start!"

"Um, right. So, I'm only half human. I'm half Gem, which is a type of alien species that made contact with the Earth thousands of years ago…"

---

"...and then, I guess I corrupted. I didn't even think I could, but I did, and I did it to myself. Nobody got hurt that time, but I don't know how to…" 

Steven paused, grabbing another tissue from the box next to him. I don't know how to what?

"It's alright, Steven. Take your time." Picani's voice was gentle and reassuring, and Steven nodded. He took a deep breath, wiped his eyes, and tried again.

"I guess I don't know how to move on. I hurt people, a lot, and I hurt myself in a way, and I don't know how to keep going after that. I don't know what to do with my life now, or, or how to recover from any of this."

"That's a lot to deal with. I'm very glad you came to talk to someone about what you've been through. You shouldn't have had to deal with that on your own."

"Yeah, I guess." Steven drooped on couch, peaking at the clock on the wall opposite him. It had only taken ten minutes to completely spill his heart out and explain sixteen years of trauma.

At least Picani had believed him. To most humans, his story would have sounded like fantasy. He was lucky to have met a therapist who take at least that seriously.

"Steven, do you watch cartoons?"

The teen in question looked up slowly at Dr. Picani, eyes wide in shock at the complete nonsequitur.

He glanced around the office again. The same plastic figures met his gaze, and something clicked.

"Do you think I'm lying to you?"

Now it was Picani's turn to look shocked and confused.

"Lying to me...? What makes you ask that?"

"Oh, I don't know… I just told you my life story, and the whole reason I'm here, and you ask about cartoons?! Like, like you're going to compare my trauma to a kid's show?"

"Er, that's not quite what I was going to say," Picani says placatingly, voice soft and soothing. Steven glares at him, but remains quiet.

"Steven, I believe you. You showed me your gem and your shield and, well, I've always believed in the supernatural. I was going to compare your life to a cartoon not because your pain is comical, trivial, or inconsequential, but because we can learn so much from the medium that I believe would help you understand some of what you're going through."

"...what do you mean?"

"Well, there's a show I watch called Crying Breakfast Friends. Have you heard of it?"

"Um, yeah."

"Good! Well then, as you know, the show is comprised of very simple and similar episodes, where characters cry over their conflicts, and then cry as those conflicts are resolved."

"Yeah, all they do on that show is sing and cry," Steven scoffs, though he smiles a little - he grew up with Crying Breakfast Friends, after all, and could probably point out better than anyone the nuances and real important of the seemingly trivial cartoon.

"Well, let's talk about that. It sounds to me like you got to where you were because you couldn't talk or vent to anyone. I would say that the characters in CBF have some of the best support systems I've seen! Everyone can talk and vent to everyone, and everyone feels safe with everyone else."

"So, I need to cry more…?"

"You need to talk about how you're feeling more. Acknowledging and monitoring how you're feeling is the first step to controlling your reaction to those feelings."

"What's the difference between controlling the reaction and controlling the feeling?"

"You can't control how you feel, Steven. If you feel a certain way, it's because you're naturally reacting to something going on in your life."

"...but I can control what I do because of that feeling," Steven brought a hand to his head and began to tap his finger on his temple. "That's the hard part, isn't it?"

"Exactly right. It'll take time and work, but the first step is to be in touch with your feelings and to understand what you're feeling and why. The characters in CBF always know why they're crying - sometimes it's tears of sorrow, other times it's tears of joy. But they always know, and knowing is half the battle."

---

"Well, Steven, it was lovely to speak with you, and I hope you come back again soon. A lot of people overlook how beneficial counseling can be! Don't be afraid to get help for your issues."

"I think I'll come back again," Steven said quietly. "I wasn't really planning on it, um, seeing how obsessed you were with cartoons. But, you made a really interesting connection between my feelings and the feelings of animated breakfast foods."

"Well, that's my job!" Picani beamed at him, and Steven could feel an overwhelming amount of pride radiating from him. "You took this first session very well. You're a good kid, Steven. Let me know when you're free for another session."

"Thanks, Dr. Picani." Steven smiled, feeling happy for the first time in awhile. "I will."

---

NOTE: I based a lot of this after my own therapy sessions but I AM NOT A THERAPIST. I can't provide real medical advice and I don't mean this fic to function as such. If you need professional help, please seek a qualified professional. Stay safe!!