#complex feelings that only in recent years I started to learn to cope with and accept

[change-name-later]

Guys if a character shows empathy towards someone they hate. That does NOT mean they’re forgiving them. People can have complex feelings towards others. Especially if they learn things about them that makes them understand why they are the way they are. But that does not mean they’re excusing what they’ve done. It just means they have a better understanding of them. And may show a bit of empathy towards them in the future.

You see a character give an ounce of sympathy towards the other’s situation. And immediately jump to the conclusion that they’re forgiving them for everything they’ve ever done and moving on. Even though they constantly repeat how they don’t like that person and don’t want any sort of positive relationship with them.

[lilysouph]

The Hayffie-discourse is dumb and here's why:

They're fictional characters, it really isn't that deep, get over yourself. I feel like this is the most obvious one, but I just had to say it.

"but what about Lenore Dove?" Well first of all, nothing about Hayffie ever interrupts with Haymitch's relationship with LD. Lenore Dove is his first love, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't deserve a second after she's gone. Humans are complex beings, and love isn't a pie chart. Haymitch loving Effie doesn't take away any of his love for Lenore Dove. They each have their own pie, and they're even different flavours. If the sole soulmate thing floats your boat, then fantastic, you go with that. Personally I don't want Haymitch to suffer in a depressed drunken haze for the rest of his life where he continues to punish himself for the Captiols actions, but maybe that's just me. Besides, Haymitch having a dead girlfriend is nothing new to us, and idk why we're pretending otherwise. It was always a part of his story

"they have such differing views, her being Capitol and him hg survivor", did we read the same book? If SOTR told us anything about Effie, it is that she's always had a different view of the tributes and games than other Capitol members. Yes she's deeply brainwashed, in the same way someone in a deeply religious cult would be, but there's a layer of her that doesn't buy into the animalistic view of the tributes and games. And that's sort of the beauty of her character and her relationship with Haymitch, that throughout the years she sees more and more the faults of her people. And maybe her ditsy uncaring nature is a façade, covering her rebel thoughts, or maybe it's a coping mechanism to keep from falling apart every time one of her kids are killed, but it could also be just someone learning from their mistakes. Why does that make them unlovable?

"The age difference tho!" What? The six year age difference between two characters in their 40s? Ok let's address it. Effie is likely between 20-22 ish during SOTR. Why do I say that? Cus in BOSAS Snow is 18 and graduating, meaning he would be 18 starting the University. Now, we don't know how schooling works in the Capitol, all we know is that there's lower grades and upper grades. For all we know, stylist school could be 2 years or it could be 4. Where I'm from, in my actual homeplace, it's 2. That's also my headcanon for Effie, placing her at around 20 as a recent graduate. That's a four year age gap, which isn't a lot even at 16, but it's definitely not a lot at 30/40.

Truth be told, I think a lot of the age difference discourse is a lot to do with plain ole misogyny. You rarely see this same outrage over relationships where the man is the older one and the woman is the younger. People have had no problem shipping Johanna and Haymitch for years, and that's an even bigger age gap. Even canon ships like Remus and Tonks in Harry Potter (13yrs), where the likelihood of him having first met her as an infant is extremely high due to Sirius' close relationship with his aunt Andromeda, but ig that's neither here nor there.

In conclusion:

Fandom spaces lately have had a heavy focus on canon-accuracy, and what's more canon compliant. While there of course is nothing wrong with preferring the canon choices made by the author/creator, it's important to remember that a big part of fan culture is and always has been to be able to take the original stories and material and spin off it with your own thoughts, mind, and creativity. The push for only canon-compliant material has become a bit of a problem, and is to be completely honest, something that does not belong in fandom spaces. Hell, you even see this in fandoms like Harry Potter's Marauders, which is entirely made up of fan-made material, where people are complaining that certain characters are behaving ooc when there is no actual canon material on the character.

Now I get that a lot of y'all are new to fandom, so I'll be kind, but rule number 1 of fan culture is "if you don't like it, don't interact with it", it really isn't that deep. Hayffie is probably one of the most normal and common ship dynamics on the internet, and if you think that's "too toxic", wait till I introduce you to the incestuous and 20+ yr age gap minor/adult ships we've all had to stomach over the years. You've got a tough battle ahead of you if the plan is to take down every ship you don't agree with. If you don't like it, don't interact with it. Hayffie has existed for longer than some of you guys have been on the internet, and ships like Hayffie will continue to exist long after you've left the fandom. Life is too short to spend it on actively hating on ships and shippers you don't like. Let people have fun with fiction, free your whimsy and joy and creativity and all that.

[unrelatedwaffle]

Old lady on tumblr rambles again

Hi again, people younger than 30, it's your rapidly-aging-due-to-stress aunt on Tumblr.com. Our country sucks at teaching even recent history, and I'm young enough that it's still shocking to me that some of you were born post 9/11, so I'm going to muse a bit on the experience of being young in a Republican-dominated era.

The Bush II years were dark. The Iraq War started when I was a junior in high school, and I was the only person I knew who was even remotely politically aware. Back then, if you didn't "support the troops" or froth at the mouth for America, you were considered a dangerous freak. 2000-2008 was a very, very difficult time to be politically left in this country, and it was isolating and scary. Watch The Simpsons where they get sent to Guantanamo, seriously. (Honestly, watch The Simpsons from the beginning. Political satire is a great coping mechanism). My advice to you on an individual level, though the situations are not necessarily comparable, because That Fucking Guy is so much worse than even Bush II, who was one of the worst people on the planet (although a lot of the same fucking people have been syncophanting for the frothing Right this entire time! Look them up! Newt Gingrich! Karl Rove! Dick Cheney was around during Iran fucking Contra!), is: * Read books. I'm serious, you gotta do it. If you need help with attention or getting better at reading, there are kind and caring people who can do that. Please ask someone for help if you struggle with reading or attention. It's a prerequisite for getting through this with your sanity intact. You are scoffing, but I'm serious. Books. BOOKS. * Read about history. Read books by Black and Indigenous Women in particular for the most honest and incisive looks at this complex and frustrating country. Try going a whole year only reading books and articles by black women. * Find like-minded people and stick close to them. Keep your distance from people who will hurt you. If you have to interact with people you can't trust, keep it surface-level. Do not be afraid to cut ties with peers who are unsafe. There is a graceful way to do this by letting the relationship slowly die, and they don't need to know why it did. Finding like-minded people just to be friends or activity buddies with feels more achievable than "finding an organization" or "creating community." Make dinner for a few friends and talk about how you're feeling right now. Call a friend you haven't seen in a while and ask how their folks are, how their job is. Write a letter or a card to someone you love far away. * If you cannot travel for financial reasons, consume long-form media (especially independent films, books, poetry, comics, journalism, weird stuff made by other thinking and sensitive people) from other countries and other kinds of people inside your own country as much as you can. Learn another language to a deep level, it will open up your mind and world, and is just a useful skill to have. * Do not forget who you are, know what your values are, and stick to them when things are tough. When you feel like you can't fight or absorb anymore, take a break. Check out for a day, a week, a month, but as a rough guide try not to mentally check out for more than a month unless you are going through some serious shit like grieving a loved one. If you do that it will be very hard to find motivation to come back and keep doing the work.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello, 16yo girl here. I had been questioning what my MBTI type was between ENTP and INTP for quite a long time - I had known that Ti and Ne were always at the top of my stack, but not which one was stronger... until yesterday, when I reflected back on my sheltered upbringing and I came to the conclusion that I was an ENTP, just one with very marked introvert tendencies and possible developmental delays due to combination of a stifled dominant function and possibly autism.

That stifling of Ne is also probably why I have only become more reclusive as time went on - I spent most of my time as a child either at school, the same small private school I've been going to since 1st grade, or at home, mostly on my computer. While in the surface my time on the internet allowed me to have easy access to novelty, it is still doing the same thing over and over again on a grander scale.

Meanwhile, I never managed to truly "fit in" at school, and after starting to make amends with my old friends at the end of sixth grade the pandemic happened, which pretty much meant that the only thing I'd be doing for two years was basically staring at screens all day. Once I returned back to school, I started feeling 'othered' again, and even as I found out it was partially over my own immaturity, I still feel like I will not actually become part of the group right now, that I should just grind it out until it ends, that college, due to the new environment and size will be the time I'll truly begin to shine - further proven by how excited I was when I went to one of the unis I was considering's open day recently.

Meanwhile, my ISTJ mother won't stop comparing me negatively to my brother and on how he was so similar to her in personality compared to me, always implying that I turned out "off" in some way or another, even if she's usually well-meaning.

Thoughts?

-----------------------

I don't guess at type. You've only speculated about one possible function, which is nowhere near enough info to draw any kind of sound conclusion. I generally won't comment on type assessment unless people follow the instructions on the contact page to submit a proper profile of themselves. In short, I won't have any "thoughts" if you don't give me enough to analyze.

You've basically described typical adolescent adjustment issues that anyone of any type can suffer. It is not uncommon for teens to have trouble fitting in. Why? Because they are still in the process of learning good social skills. When you're at the "beginner" level of learning anything, your ideas tend to be very primitive or crude. Thus, from the teenage perspective, socializing often boils down to the idea of "approval", which is taken to mean EITHER be like everyone else OR be an outsider.

Either/or thinking is a form of illogical thinking that creates a false dichotomy, essentially reducing your world to only two possibilities. You said that not being able to find your group right now, maybe it would be better to just leave it until college - once again, your world only has two possibilities. This kind of oversimplified thinking is normal in children and teens, but it is considered a sign of cognitive immaturity in adults (as their thinking hasn't evolved since adolescence). It's not something for you to be concerned about but, rather, something to be aware of and gradually improved upon.

When compared to full-formed adults, young people (<25) are limited in several ways:

They lack life experience, so they haven't had enough time to learn all the knowledge and skills they need to live life well.

They lack cognitive resources to understand complexity because the brain hasn't reached physical maturity yet.

They lack emotional resources to cope with difficulty because the brain is still feeling the effects of changes that began in puberty.

They might also lack confidence due to too many environmental factors being out of their control.

They might also lack direction due to not having access to enough learning resources they need for self-development.

They might also lack purpose due to not having enough access to positive role models, guides, or mentors to help them see the bigger picture of life.

I mention these things not to make teens feel shamed and ashamed for what they naturally lack, but to make them aware of where their potential lies. Your "weaknesses" are just as important for realizing your greater human potential as your "strengths". Weaknesses make plenty of room for learning, development, change, growth, evolution, and transformation... BUT this is assuming you know how to confront weaknesses in the right way. So, reflect: How have you responded to your weaknesses, as signaled through your mistakes and failures?

How do you respond to lack of life experience? Do you keep it that way by locking yourself away? Do you waste your time with trivial experiences? Do you seek out meaningful learning experiences?

How do you respond to lack of cognitive resources for understanding complexity? Do you just reduce everything into oversimplistic ideas? Do you avoid complex situations? Do you study them to grow your understanding? Do you get help for understanding them?

How do you respond to lack of emotional resources for handling difficulty? Do you numb yourself? Do you run or escape from negative feelings? Do you seek appropriate help and support? Do you set out to learn healthy coping skills and strategies?

How do you respond to lack of confidence? Do you shit-talk yourself more and more? Do you write off your future? Do you assert more independence? Do you take more control whenever possible? Do you improve your knowledge, skills, and capabilities?

How do you respond to lack of direction? Do you give up on yourself? Do you resign yourself to the status quo? Do you learn how to make better decisions for yourself? Do you learn how to set and achieve more fulfilling goals?

How do you respond to lack of purpose? Do you settle for less? Do you resign yourself to being small? Do you ignore existential pain? Do you seek answers? Do you set higher aspirations? Do you commit yourself to greater ideals?

Adjustment issues are very likely to get expressed through auxiliary development problems. Since you're unsure about your type, the most I can say is that healthy Ti encourages people to 1) analyze and learn from mistakes/failures, and 2) identify and acquire the knowledge/skills required to eventually succeed. If your response to failure is dismissal, evasion, withdrawal, or avoidance, it means you are choosing to get stuck at a low level of competency indefinitely.

If you are able to get past the beginner level in socializing, you'll start to realize the false dichotomy and how self-sabotaging it really is. Socializing is much more nuanced and complex than "insider vs outsider", and there are more options available than "conform vs rebel". This raises the question of what other options are available to you - it is a question for your Ne to answer.

Yes, it's true that you can't be friends with everyone. But you don't need to be friends with everyone, do you? You only need a handful of close friends who understand you in order to have a satisfying social life. They don't have to come from school or the usual places. They can come through other activities. They can come from all demographics or backgrounds.

Growing up in a small environment puts you in danger of thinking too small all the time. The key is you have to recognize that the world is a big place, so you have to start putting yourself out there to find the friends of best fit. The more people you meet, the more you increase your odds of success. Whether you try now or later isn't the right point to focus on. You're not going to find what you're looking for as long as: you don't actually get up to look, you have absolutely no system or plan for proceeding, and/or you don't have the skills to keep relationships even when you do find good people. You need real-life social experience if you want to improve your social skills. The sooner you get started, the better. It's unrealistic to think that you'll magically be great at relationships just because you started college.

I know options can be limited at your age but 16 is generally the age when teens really start to venture out into the world on their own (without parents/guardians). In many places, you can drive and work at 16. You can start exploring places you've never been to around town. You can join more extracurricular activities/clubs that would put you in contact with people beyond your school. I shouldn't have to tell an ENTP to go out and explore, as you should simply follow your natural Ne motivation. If that motivation is absolutely nowhere to be found, then perhaps reconsider your type.

[ear-worthy]

The Life Shift Podcast Joins The 60 Best Life-Changing Podcasts List

On the podcast’s website, it reads: “We all have our stories, but through these conversations, we discover communities. We learn that there are commonalities through the ups and downs that we all face. But most importantly, we learn that we are not alone.”

The Life Shift podcast highlights life-altering moments and humanizes the struggles and triumphs through them all.

Gilhooly, a Public Relations Graduate from the University of Florida, possesses the innate ability to interview his guests with the skill of a therapist, an aptitude for active listening, and an empathetic style that soothes the guests and entrances the listeners.

Gilhooly, says, “I launched The Life Shift Podcast in March 2022. It started as a project to complete for an elective course in my most recent graduate degree at the University of Florida. I have always felt compelled to share my story in hopes that others might feel less alone on the journey. But since the objective was to create an interview-based podcast, I opted to start The Life Shift Podcast.”

Matt is getting close to 200 episodes this year, has a new studio setup, and in November 2024, Matt Gilhooly began a 30/30 challenge. Producing a podcast a day for the entire month of November. And we thought running a marathon was difficult. This is like running 26.2 miles backward and blindfolded.

60 Best Life Changing Podcasts. FeedSpot lets you subscribe to your favorite Blogs, Podcasts, News Websites, Magazines, YouTubers, Influencers and RSS feeds in one place on FeedSpot Reader.

Here’s a sample of The Life Shift’s exploration into life-changing moments from an episode released on April 30th. Emily’s relationship with alcohol began at the tender age of 13. Like many of us, she used it as a shield, a way to numb out and hide from the complexities of life. It was a coping mechanism, a way to navigate the world when everything felt overwhelming. As she moved through her teens and early twenties, drinking became more than just a social activity.

This pattern continued well into her adult life, even as she built a successful career and relationships. On the surface, everything seemed fine. But inside, Emily was struggling with a growing sense of disconnect from her true self. 

Emily continued: “I literally drank, like, half of it. And I already felt like I wasn’t in control of my limbs… I hate this. Like, I don’t like this feeling of being out of control.

At that moment, Emily made a decision that would change the course of her life. She looked at herself in the car mirror and decided it was time for a change. Giving up alcohol wasn’t just about stopping drinking — it was about rediscovering who Emily truly was beneath the layers of numbing and self-doubt. 

Matt Gilhooly usurps our sense of helplessness and hopelessness every episode, narrating tales of people who have battled humanity’s worst demons, the worst cards that life could deal us, and the dire circumstances not under their control. In every show, Matt details how his guest overcame their own challenges and came out “the other side.”

It’s the reason that in 2024, Ear Worthy awarded the show Best Indie Podcast of the Year, an award bestowed only after much consideration, reflection, and analysis. 

The Life Shift is waiting for you. You can listen to tales of others who have altered their life pathway, or you can use these inspirational stories and make that life shift yourself.

[theworldofhallucination]

As I continue this blog, I hope to delve deeper into my experiences and offer a sense of solidarity and understanding to those who might be struggling. Sharing my journey is a way to extend a hand to anyone feeling isolated by their mental health challenges, and perhaps, through this, I can find further hope for myself as well.

Living with depression and anxiety is a daily battle. After my father's death and the subsequent losses, the weight of my grief seemed insurmountable. Each family member I lost took another piece of my heart, leaving me feeling fragmented and perpetually sorrowful. My depression was like a dark cloud that never fully dissipated, always lurking in the background, ready to engulf me at any moment.

Despite the constant internal turmoil, I tried to maintain a façade of normalcy. On the outside, I went to school, interacted with friends, and participated in family events. But inside, I was crumbling. The pressure to appear "okay" was overwhelming. I felt like I was living a double life, one that everyone saw and one that was hidden deep within me.

During high school, my anxiety escalated. Simple tasks became monumental challenges. I dreaded social interactions, fearing judgment and rejection. My anxiety manifested physically, often leaving me breathless, with a racing heart and trembling hands. I remember sitting in class, trying to focus, but all I could think about was how fast my heart was beating and whether anyone could tell I was on the verge of a panic attack.

I sought solace in writing and music, pouring my emotions into journals and finding comfort in lyrics that resonated with my experiences. These outlets became my lifelines, offering a way to express the pain I couldn't articulate verbally. They provided a sense of relief, even if only temporary.

As I transitioned to adulthood, managing my mental health became more complex. I started therapy, which was both a relief and a challenge. Opening up about my deepest fears and traumas was daunting, but it was also liberating. Therapy taught me coping mechanisms and helped me understand the root causes of my depression and anxiety. It was a slow process, filled with setbacks, but each step forward felt like a small victory.

However, not everyone understood my journey. Some people dismissed my struggles, insisting that I just needed to "snap out of it" or "look on the bright side." These comments, though often well-meaning, were deeply hurtful. They trivialized my experiences and made me feel even more isolated. Mental illness isn't something you can simply will away. It's an ongoing battle that requires understanding, patience, and support.

One of the most challenging aspects of my journey has been navigating relationships. Friendships and romantic relationships are complicated by mental illness. There are days when I can't muster the energy to engage, when I cancel plans last minute or withdraw from social interactions. It's difficult to explain that it's not personal, that it's the weight of my depression making it hard to function. I'm grateful for the friends who have stood by me, who understand that my silence isn't a reflection of my feelings towards them, but a symptom of my illness.

In recent years, I've made progress, but the journey is far from over. I've learned to recognize my triggers and manage my symptoms more effectively. Self-care has become a priority, and I've discovered the importance of setting boundaries and giving myself permission to rest.

To anyone reading this who is struggling with their own mental health, know that you are not alone. Your experiences are valid, and it's okay to seek help. It's okay to have bad days, and it's okay to prioritize your well-being. This journey is tough, but you are tougher. Let's continue to support each other and break the stigma surrounding mental illness.

This is what depression does to me, but it doesn't define me. My story is ongoing, and I'm committed to finding light even in the darkest moments. Thank you for being part of this journey with me. Together, we can find hope and healing.

[system-of-a-feather]

hi, I think I might have DID, but I also don’t know if I’m for some reason faking it for attention, though I haven’t even told anyone of my suspicions? and i’m a minor so i can’t really get myself screened and i don’t trust my parents enough to tell them. if you could provide any guidance or anything, i would appreciate it so much <3

I strongly do not recommend doing much digging into DID or potentially having a system as a minor unless symptoms are overtly getting intrusive because processing and working through DID is a lot for someone who is still living in an unsafe environment and limited tools to help their own situation out. If you do some personally digging into your experiences, I VERY strongly do not recommend doing trauma work without a professional as a minor living in an unsafe environment.

I know that sounds possibly like me saying "don't try to heal". That is not what I mean, I would recommend focusing on learning and establishing fundamental coping skills - grounding techniques, trying to learn what makes you feel safe, trying to find safe ways to handles increased emotions and symptomology, trying to establish healthy and safe friendships and peers, looking into less-trauma centered symptoms that might not be related to DID but play a role into how you are experiencing things.

Personally, I was aware of having a system around age of 14 and that led to a lot of compounding issues and unfortunate situations because I was 1) incapable of doing much about my situation and 2) overloaded with my age-appropriate identity issues and the stressors of middle school and highschool and 3) had little room to actually have people to support. I didn't really know much of DID until I was like 16 (beyond that I totally couldn't have it I just have people in my head), and didn't actually really think I had it until I was diagnosed.

With that being said, I am very very thankful I was able to get two years of foundational therapy before I even really addressed the DID too directly to get some understanding on how to cope with OCD, PTSD, and to just have someone who could help me navigate surviving highschool and living at home.

I'm very very much of the personal opinion that minors who think they might have DID should probably hold off before jumping into the DID community or digging into it too much, because going through being a mentally ill teenager in an unsafe environment is already a lot to process and deal with and I think its much more important for those teenagers and minors to focus on being a teenager and trying to get through that hard period rather than focusing on the intense complexities that comes with DID.

Additionally, if you do have DID, the first stage in most professional treatment is stabilization which involves learning and gaining a lot of coping tools and self awareness as well as communication with parts. Trauma work and intensely trying to understand every part and all the trauma all parts hold is something we - having been in treatment for 6 years and DID focused treatment for 4 - are only just starting to actually open up.

Having recently cleared "stabilization" for the most part, I very very very very firmly support that it is a very very very important stage in recovering with DID and its very very very important to not skip that stage. Obtaining the coping skills, internal trust, and secure base within yourself is very very important to being able to handle the brunt of the trauma that comes with DID.

So with that said, my best advice would be to probably try to not think too much about having DID or not having DID, but to just look at what things are distressing you and focusing on self care, coping, and how to better care and help yourself because regardless of if you have DID or not, it is something you will likely need to do and at your current age and place in life, that is probably a much more effective, healthier, and safer form of healing to focus on with the resources you have.

I know it isn't easy or always possible, because I too was a mentally ill minor with parents that I could not trust, but if there is a way to get to see any professional for any mental health condition, I would really suggest giving it ago. I was talking to some friends about this, and some therapists suck, so if you do get one bad one, I am sorry and please don't write treatment off, but having a therapist is often better than none.

If you aren't comfortable saying "I think I have trauma" which is completely understandable for many reasons, a little "I was a minor who had abusive parents" trick that worked for me was to pick the LEAST offensive LEAST image breaking (for them) and most beneficial (for them) disorder / mental health issue and pushing that very very hard to just see someone.

We got into therapy first by leveraging a situation that made them more prone to being concerned for once, honestly intentionally played up our distress massively, and insisted that we were really severely distressed about our Trichotillomania (compulsive hair pulling) and that I really couldn't cope with it on my own and I really really needed a professional's help because "it is causing permanent damage to my skin / hair follicles and I might never be able to grow them back and if I never do that then I can't get a job because I look mentally ill" and the "can't get a job" sold my parents enough that they put me into "temporary therapy for 13 weeks"

I'll just tell you that I've been in therapy since.

Anyways, I hope that helped and I hope you can get the help you need sooner than later. Being a minor is hard. Being mentally ill is hard. High school is very hard. You are in a really really difficult place at the moment and I'm proud you are keeping strong. Take care of yourself, you deserve it. ^^

-Riku (Host)

[scenefox2003]

No, Camila is not a good mother. And here’s why.

Yes, this sounds like a very harsh statement, but hear me out. Camila, on the surface, seems like a decent and loving mother, especially when compared to say, the Blights, who are much more obviously and stereotypically terrible. But from the very beginning she displays some VERY toxic and harmful behaviors towards her daughter Luz. Her sort of parenting, even though she has good intentions, can do some horrifying and long lasting damage to the mental health and self esteem of a child. How do I know? My mother was exactly like Camila. And like Luz, I still loved her. But that doesn’t mean she didn’t do some serious harm. And those same things are happening to Luz right now.

First up, let’s state the obvious. Luz is neurodivergent. This isn’t even just coding, either. Dana Terrace has outright stated this is her intention. And like many neurodivergent kids and teens, she often gets in trouble in school without realizing why. The things she does are still bad, of course, and she still needs to face the consequences of her actions and learn why they’re not okay. The first two things she does (going a bit too far in the school play and doing that freaky eye thing at cheer tryouts) aren’t even that bad, but her bringing spiders, snakes, and fireworks to school are obviously huge issues. Those last three are obviously cartoonishly crazy acts that have been played up by the writers for humor and to get the idea across, but even if we take this all at face value Camila’s handling of the situation is STILL HORRIBLE. Notice what she criticizes here. Not the fact that her daughter brought dangerous animals and explosives to school, but her love of fantasy. Yes, they’re related, but Luz’s love of fantasy can still exist without her breaking school rules. Not only that, but taking Luz’s neurodivergency into account here, The Good Witch Azura and other fantasy tales are clearly a special interest or hyperfixation of hers. Her love of Azura goes much farther than that of a normal neurotypical fangirl, she uses this character to help navigate through her life. She chooses to stay on the boiling aisles because Eda and King remind her of characters from the book. She chooses to take the risk and try to befriend her rival, Amity, because that’s what Azura did. Even in season two, when she’s talking about her future, she states Eda and Azura as her role models. Not to infantilize Luz (trust me, that’s the last thing I want to do) but this level of connection to a fictional character is unusual for a fourteen year old who just really likes something. Luz clearly uses this character as guidance in a world she doesn’t understand (which funny enough, is both the boiling aisles and earth) and what does Camila do?

She forces her to LITERALLY throw it away. Right before she has to go to a scary and uncomfortable place for THREE MONTHS, that SHE FORCED HER TO GO TO. That’s the time when Luz would need that special interest the most. It isn’t just a book she loves. It’s a coping mechanism, a genuinely harmless and positive part of her life, that she is shamed for. Being shamed for an interest or hyperfixation is such a terrible feeling I can’t even begin to describe it. But if you’re neurodivergent, you know what I’m talking about. What makes it even worse is that Luz literally cannot control what she loves. She can’t just find a new hobby, not that she should even have to, because when you have a special interest or hyperfixation, that thing becomes such a huge part of your life. And most of the time, it’s such an amazing and wonderful thing. And for Luz, it clearly is. Azura LITERALLY LED HER TO FORMING THE STRONGEST RELATIONSHIPS IN HER LIFE, with Eda, King, and Amity. That’s huge, considering Luz clearly has a lot of trouble forming friendships back in the human world. Luz’s love of fantasy is not a problem. Her “weirdness” is not a problem. But that’s what Camila sends her to camp for. To change her interests, her personality, not her actions. That, and for something even worse.

This line hurts my soul. I don’t even have to explain why this is an awful thing for a mother to say to her daughter, it speaks for itself. But I’m gonna explain anyway. Luz doesn’t have any friends. But that’s clearly not her fault. Just look at what happens when she goes to the boiling aisles and FINALLY meets like minded people. She makes tons of friends without changing at all, because Luz is a genuinely good person with a great personality. She’s kind, excitable, and always eager to help others. This is INCLUDED with her “weirdness”, and often directly related to it. Luz is not the only weird person that exists, even in the human world. I had pretty much no close friends as a kid, then I switched to a school full of open minded (and many queer and neurodivergent) people, and now I have TONS of friends who are just like me, who like the same things, that I didn’t have to change myself at all for. This is how real healthy friendships work. And the sad thing is, Luz wouldn’t even HAVE to go to the boiling aisles for this to happen! If Camila really wanted Luz to make friends, all she would have to do is send her to some sort of fantasy or roleplaying camp full of people like her who share her interests. But instead of blaming the judgy bullies for why Luz doesn’t have any friends, she blames Luz for just. Being herself and liking some unconventional stuff. This is so, SO disgusting and harmful. It can lead to so many problems, destroy yourself esteem, and ironically enough it makes it HARDER TO MAKE FRIENDS. Forcing yourself to be someone else to make someone you’re not really compatible with like you just doesn’t work. Believe me, I’ve tried. This is LITERALLY HAPPENING TO LUZ RIGHT NOW. IN THE MOST RECENT EPISODE SHE NEARLY RUINED HER CHANCE WITH AMITY BECAUSE PEOPLE HAD MADE HER FEEL WEIRD ABOUT HER INTERESTS AND PERSONALITY IN THE PAST. That’s why I’m making this post, even though I’ve thought this for a long time. The damage the human world has done to Luz is starting to show. Even after all these months of being loved for being herself and proudly being an advocate for being weird, that instinct is still there. And it lasts. For years. I’m eighteen years old, I’ve been in a supportive environment for six years now, and my parents have been fully supportive of me and my interests and quirks for two. But that instinct doesn’t go away. The deep rooted shame whenever you do something harmless that’s outside the norm, something you were directly told not to by the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally doesn’t go away. And Camila, the only person Luz truly cares about, perpetuated that. And that’s truly awful. I get it. Parents aren’t always perfect. But this is beyond imperfect. It reminds me of a line from Gwendolyn in Keeping Up A-fear-ances. “Your curse is a part of you, and I love every part of you.” Camila clearly loves Luz, but she doesn’t love every part of Luz. And in order to truly love someone, you must fully love them, quirks and all. I hope we get to see Camila learn this before the show ends, but most of all I hope that the show openly states that her parenting is awful. It could save so many kids from so many years of pain and an inferiority complex.

[askanautistic]

So I'm pretty sure I'm autistic even though I haven't been able to to get a diagnosis yet. I've recently come to the realization that I probably won't ever be able to survive on my own. Its been really hard because I like being independent, but I forget to do basic human functions on my own and I have too many meltdowns to be on my own. I'm 15 and thought I would be more independent by now but I'm not. I was just wondering if you have any advice for me how to either be more independent or not feel as bad about being dependent.

- You’re only 15. You are going to continue to grow and develop for a long time. At 15 many people feel they are or should be independent, but you’re still a child. In fact, teenagers often do struggle with certain things because of how their brains are developing and because of the unrealistic expectations placed upon them (teenagers need more sleep, and seem to function better later in the day for example, and so the school day starts too early for them, and they also get far too much homework which is going to be exhausting after a day of school). Basically, teenagers are all in this limbo state where they’re expected to be becoming more mature and taking more responsibility for themselves, but in actual fact the reason why adults are often so frustrated with teenagers is because they’re expecting to do and be far too much all at once, during a time when hormones and natural brain development makes all of that harder. 

Natural brain development (+ being in that weird limbo state of trying not to be a child and trying to be more adult) in teenagers can even cause temporary autistic-like/neurodivergent-like symptoms (the poor communication, awkwardness, the odd sleep schedule, poor co-ordination, etc). This illustrates just how complex development is and how unfair the expectations are upon all teenagers, and how damaging that can be (for teenagers to feel they should be more mature, more grown up, etc., when really they just need some time and grace to be able to develop!) Let alone neurodivergent teenagers (it’s not unusual for ND teens to struggle more than they usually do during their teen years for the same reasons).

At your age you would not or should not be expected to be able to cope by yourself/be independent.

- Most actual adults are not fully independent. So this isn’t something anyone has to aim for or fully achieve. It’s why we have society/communities. Most people depend on others in some way. Adult children still rely on their parents, parents start to rely more on their adult children, people have colleagues and line managers to help with things at work, are given training to learn new skills all the time, have teachers, friends, siblings etc. Everyone needs some help or support. Not everyone will know how to do certain things like fix a car (so they go to a mechanic), or drive a car (so they use public transport or rely on other people for lifts), or cook (so they either learn a few simple things, or rely on frozen foods instead of cooking from scratch, or have someone else cook - if living with friends or a partner people sometimes skill swap - one might cook and the other might do other chores to make things fairer). 

- When it comes to basic things that have to be done every day (like brushing teeth) or even more one-off things that are hard to remember (like appointments), there are lot of ways around remembering to do things. Relying on routine, task stacking (so for example, if you go to the toilet when you first wake up, brushing teeth at the same time would be task-stacking - you’re linking those things together and it makes it easier to remember). Or apps that have daily routines you can put in and follow, alarms that remind you, lists taped up somewhere as a prompt, or post-it notes. There’s no reason for anyone to have to remember literally everything they need to do without some kind of outside help. 

- Talk to a parent or some other trusted adult or even your doctor, and try to get assessed. If you are autistic, and will need more support in adulthood than is considered usual, then having a diagnosis would make you eligible for extra supports, accommodations/reasonable adjustments, and would protect you from discrimination.

[frecklesandstardust]

Let’s Talk About Klaus

Hi, friends. The Umbrella Academy’s second season came out recently. I finished it about twelve hours after. And I have feelings. We need to talk about Klaus. 

Now, here is my disclaimer. From the very first moment I saw him, Klaus was my favorite, but please read to the end before yelling about how Klaus-stans refuse to see his negative qualities. Thank you <3 (Also, this will involve spoilers for Season 2 and probably be an essay, so be prepared.)

Okay, first of all. Let’s look at Season 1 Klaus. 

He’s an asshole. Just like all of his siblings. They were raised by a narcissistic egomaniac and given hero complexes from pretty much the second they were born. Obviously they all lack empathy and healthy coping mechanisms. We can all agree on that. 

However, Klaus is also kind. So unbelievably kind. He makes crass jokes and looks out for himself first, but he is also so caring. 

When we first see him, he is encouraging people in rehab. He has a rapport with the EMT who brings him back to life. He hugs Allison as soon as he sees her at the mansion and seems genuinely concerned about her and her life. When the giant portal opens, he grabs a fire extinguisher and runs to the front to try and protect his siblings. Siblings who essentially ignored and belittled him for years. 

Fast forward and we see him helping Diego and Five and Luther. We see him caring, sincerely caring about his siblings. He breaks a snowglobe over his head to help Five get the answers he needs. He follows Luther to a rave and dies trying to save his life, even though he’s riddled with PTSD and freshly sober. We see him try so fucking hard to not give out any information about Five when he’s being literally tortured by assassins. He saves Diego from Hazel and Cha-Cha at the hotel, even though he could have stayed safe in the car. He risked his life to save a brother who didn’t even notice he had been kidnapped. 

We watch him die. We watch him get locked in a museum by his father figure and tortured by his abilities. We watch him be traumatized over and over again by ghosts that look just as gruesome as the day they died. We watch him be hurt and kidnapped. We watch him get thrust into a literal war, where he lost his soulmate after staying and fighting for ten months because he was just that in love with Dave. 

Out of every character, Klaus clearly has the most trauma. This isn't even including the fact that he was homeless for years and alluded to non-consensual sexual situations. Ergo, trading sex for a place to sleep and things like that. I am personally of the belief that Reggie was the reason Klaus broke his jaw, which Diego talks about in S1, but that’s my own opinion. 

Looking at all of that, Klaus has PTSD out the whazoo. Like, he is filled to the brim with trauma and no one cares enough to ask or help him. Five sees him after Dave dies and only cares about the briefcase. Diego hears that he lost someone and has the absolute audacity to call Klaus “lucky” because at least he can see them whenever he wants. Not one of his siblings understands Klaus’s powers and that’s terrifying because he had to deal with screaming, tormented ghosts completely by himself. Imagine that. Powers that you can’t control eating you alive and the only thing that helps dim the noise is drugs. 

And your family doesn’t care enough to ask. They just write you off as a useless junkie. 

Now, like I mentioned earlier, Klaus is not an innocent quote unquote soft boi. He is inherently selfish. But, he had to be. He had to be selfish in order to survive. He was on the streets. Alone. If he wasn’t selfish, he would have been dead ten times over. 

He stole things. He lied. He hurt people. He was an asshole. Just like they all were. 

But he was never cruel. 

His relationship with Ben in the first season was pretty awesome. We get to see the snark and the familiarity and the bond between them. And it makes sense, to some extent, why Ben is constantly trying to get Klaus to be better. If Klaus hasn’t seen his siblings for years, neither has Ben. I genuinely think Ben wanted to believe that they had changed. He wanted his siblings to be good, decent people. 

That’s why he told Klaus to go after Luther. Why he told him that his family would notice he was missing when he get kidnapped by Cha-Cha and Hazel. 

But it does not excuse the fact that Ben never apologized. He was wrong and he never said sorry for it. He inadvertently got Klaus killed and he never admitted that he made a mistake. 

He was there for so much of Klaus’s trauma and he just brushed it off. We never see Ben try to be there for Klaus or try to help him come to terms with everything. Ben can see the other ghosts. He knows that they’re terrifying and that Klaus’s powers are completely haywire. Why doesn’t he acknowledge that? 

Let’s move on to Season 2. 

For some reason, all of Klaus’s character development has been tossed out the window. He is a wildcard with no plot line to follow. He says random things and seems to act as comedic relief for the most part, except it rarely works.

For starters, his powers are completely gone, for the most part. We see him in a brief opening scene absolutely kicking ass with his ghost army. But, after that, we don’t see any ghost except Ben. We don’t see him learning to control his powers or talking to ghosts. We don’t even hear about his powers. It’s like they’ve been erased. 

That kind of trauma doesn’t go away. Especially when we find out he has been sober for three years. 

I’ve seen some people argue that he traded addictions. Swapped the drugs for the cult and the adoration that came with it. I don’t agree to that for a few reasons. 

First, he is very clearly uncomfortable with the cult touching him. And we see in the flashback that it happened completely by accident. Klaus was, again, trying to survive. Was it selfish? Yeah. Did he use that old woman to shamelessly find a place in a world he’s not supposed to exist in? Yeah! But, like I stated earlier, Klaus knows how to survive. He knows what to do to get by. All he is doing is trying to survive. Ben can scream all he wants about fairness, but he wasn’t offering up any options to get Klaus a place to sleep and a way to survive in the past. 

Second, we don’t know how the cult came about exactly. We don’t know what started it. We don’t know how it spiraled from whatever it started as into a cult. And Klaus hates it. He spends the entire season trying to get away from everyone. He used it as a means to survive and then wanted space. His entire plan was to get to 1963 and save Dave--probably from the start of 1960, to be honest. But to get to Dave, he had to survive. He had to get to a place where saving Dave was possible. He can’t save him if he’s dead or homeless. 

Third, Klaus very openly is touch-starved and desperate for attention. He spent his childhood being overlooked and his adulthood being treated like a disease. He just wants someone to take him seriously and care about him. The cult does. They love him for who he is, for his weird humor and mannerisms. They believe him when he talks. He’s never had that before, not since Dave. 

He finally has a group of people that genuinely care about what he has to say. Even if it’s all bullshit! They still listen to him. So, of course he sticks around. Of course he lets it grow. He thinks everyone he loves is dead! He’s holding onto the only thing he can. It just happens to be a cult. 

Next point: Ben. 

Ooh boy, this is gonna be a long one.

Ben is also not a soft boi. One tender scene with Vanya does not undo an entire season of cruelty and callousness. 

Before we get into that, let’s talk about the point everyone brings up: Klaus didn’t tell anyone Ben was there! 

Why should he? They never believed him the first thousand times he tried to tell them. What makes it any different fifty years in the past? 

But aside from that, I have two theories. 

One, I’m curious as to if he was subconsciously trying to punish Ben. Ben essentially got him killed at the rave with Luther. He also never apologized, as I mentioned earlier. He blows Klaus off, just like the rest of his siblings, even though, out of anyone, Ben should know better. From the very beginning of S2, Ben is saying some pretty nasty stuff to Klaus. Low blows that shouldn’t be brought up. If that’s been happening for 3+ years, it’s possible that Klaus internally is punishing Ben for being just like the others. 

Second, he’s scared of losing Ben. It’s been 17 years of only having Ben by his side. Constantly. And we know Klaus has watched the love of his life bleed out right in front of him. That’s PTSD. And PTSD doesn’t exactly involve healthy coping methods. So, it’s entirely possible that Klaus doesn’t saying anything about Ben being there because he is scared to lose him to his siblings. If Ben is corporeal, if they know Ben is there, what’s stopping Ben from leaving to go spend all his time with someone else? Someone that isn’t Klaus? Klaus could be trying to protect himself from losing another person. 

Does that make it okay for Klaus to hide the fact that Ben is there? No. But does it kind of make sense? Yeah. Ben deserved to reconnect with his family, but Klaus is traumatized beyond belief and clearly isn’t in the right state to make sound and logical decisions all the time. If we can forgive Five for murdering the Commission Board in cold blood and Vanya for blowing up the world twice, we can forgive Klaus for keeping Ben’s existence to himself (especially since he tried to tell them in S1 and was immediately written off as an attention whore.)

Now, let’s talk about the possession, aka my least favorite thing about the entire season. 

Ben possessing Klaus is assault. End of story. Non-negotiable. It’s not funny. It’s not cute. It’s not “payback.” It’s assault. 

We know that Klaus is terrified by his powers. We know that he has trauma in his past, involving non-consensual experiences. So does Ben. Worse, Ben was there for a lot of it. 

Ben flat out ignored Klaus’s discomfort for his own selfish gain. He was so hellbent on possessing Klaus that he ignored the fact that Klaus was terrified to go to sleep because he knew Ben would possess him without consent. 

And let’s acknowledge the fact that Klaus doesn’t owe Ben anything. He has no obligation to let himself be possessed. Ben is dead. And that’s horrible. It’s unfair and Ben did not deserve to die. But he. is. dead. The dead do not get free access to the bodies of the living just because they want to feel things again. 

Ben completely disregarded Klaus’s feelings because he had a crush on a girl who didn’t even know he existed. Klaus, who willingly accepted possession the second he realized it was important to Ben. Klaus, who laid out strict ground rules, showing he was clearly terrified of the idea, but still did it anyway because he loves his brother and harbors guilt for conjuring him the day of Ben’s funeral. Klaus, who had just been brushed off after failing to stop Dave from enlisting.

Ben possesses him and almost immediately starts to make out with a girl who thinks he is Klaus. That is sexual assault. If I have a twin sister and that twin sister sleeps with my husband, who believes she is me, then she has raped him. That is rape. 

Ben doing anything physical with that girl, who clearly showed that she was interested in Klaus, is sexual assault. She did not consent to sleep with Ben. She consented to sleep with Klaus, who was trying his best to break the possession and stop the entire thing from happening. 

And Ben fought him on it. We see them struggle in Klaus’s body for the next several minutes. Ben doesn’t care that Klaus is clearly uncomfortable, that Klaus wants him out. He selfishly wants to stay in control because of his own desires. He ignores Klaus’s rules and does what he wants without considering the consequences. 

This is the third time that Ben has used possession to control Klaus. We see it when they are fighting earlier in the season at the cult mansion. We see it again at the dinner with Reginald. We see Klaus essentially have a seizure (and we see none of his family members ask if he is okay. They just roll their eyes.) We see Klaus literally vomit once he forces Ben out of him in that alley with Five and Luther. Still, no one asks if he is okay. 

Worse than that, Ben says that he no regrets. And then reiterates the statement! Ben assaulted his brother and does not give a flying fuck. That’s crueler than anything Klaus has ever done. I would argue that it’s the cruelest thing any of the Hargreeves have done, to be honest. 

It doesn’t matter how much of an asshole Klaus is or how selfish or how flamboyant. His consent still matters. His boundaries are just as important. 

Overall, this season just gave Klaus more trauma while still leaving his PTSD and mental illness completely unaddressed. They essentially removed his powers and took away his bond with Ben. Like, in the first season, Ben is almost always with Klaus. That is Klaus’s power, after all. In the second season, Klaus’s entire arc is without Ben. All of his missions are without Ben present. 

There is absolutely no fucking way that Klaus wouldn't bring Ben with him to get tacos with Vanya and Allison. He loves Ben, more than anyone. We see that constantly in the first season, outside of a few mishaps. 

I love Ben. I genuinely love Ben and his story in the first season. But in S2, they took him and twisted him into a callous thing with no respect for consent or his brother. If those three years with Klaus in 1960 were anywhere near as bad as what we see in 1963, I can see why Klaus wouldn’t want Ben around his family. 

I was supposed to love Ben and cry for him. And don’t get me wrong, I did. I cried a lot in the last episode. But that scene with Vanya? Where he tells her she’s not a monster and that they should have done better and that they could help her control her powers? That’s the exact same damn speech he should have told Klaus. Vanya’s destruction was always outward. It always cost millions of people their lives. Klaus’s was inward. So why does Vanya deserve the help and love and support while Klaus gets tossed aside?

They both needed a family and only one of them got it this season. Sure, Allison and Klaus had some great scenes together. But she didn’t ask if he was okay when Ben possessed him at dinner. She didn’t check on him. 

Klaus deserved better. He deserved to work through is trauma and to have a family that takes care of him and supports him and helps him figure out how to deal with the ghosts. He deserved to control his own body and to say no when Ben wanted to possess him. He deserved a goddamn hug. 

Klaus was inherently selfish. However, he also gave up everything. He sacrificed his entire relationship with Dave to try and save his life. If he had succeeded, if Dave had never enlisted, they never would have met. They never would have fallen in love. Dave would never remember being with him. He nearly gave that up to protect the love of his life. 

Klaus is not perfect. He’s an asshole at best sometimes. But he’s also kind and compassionate and loves harder than every other character on that show. He deserved better. 

This has turned into a massive essay, but the bottom line is that S2 let Klaus and Ben down. So many things were handled poorly--from consent to mental illness. It could have been great. It could have been an opportunity to fix a lot of the mistakes made in the first season. Ben and Klaus could have talked everything out and figured out the ghosts and the war and the trauma together. They were never given that chance. 

There were so many good parts of this season, but the bad parts were so bad that it tainted the rest. I know the writers could have done better. They did it with Luther and Allison! They made their characters great this season and showcased some amazing relationships between the siblings. I’m confused as to how they let Klaus and Ben fall through the cracks so heavily. 

[littlehen]

Storytime ramble about me and driving, trauma dump and phobia mentions under the cut.

It took me several years and cost me a fortune to learn to drive. I never wanted to learn when I was a teenager and then I was living in London for a decade, where there’s comprehensive public transport and it’s awkward to be a car owner, so there was really no point in wasting money on lessons. So I never got round to it until my late 20s, and I think as an older student it takes longer anyway, and you’re just more aware of all that could go wrong. I had a very cool, very patient instructor – an American lady who was all ‘awesome! good job! you’ve got this!’ – but I was a hyper-nervous student the whole time.

One day, when I was about two thirds of the way through learning, I was out on a journey with my mum. She was driving our car, and another driver caused a freak accident that was very scary indeed. I won’t go into details but suffice to say every emergency service professional we met kept telling us how lucky we were to be alive. I had months of physiotherapy and flashbacks and I couldn’t think straight… this was just when I was finishing my MA – if I had been able to think clearly I would’ve deferred graduation for a year but I struggled on. I basically just buried all the trauma and kept on writing my dissertation and doing my final project and taking my driving lessons and working in my day job. My physical injuries were mild and only inconvenient, so it just seemed like stopping wasn’t an option.

God, I remember chatting to a friend, three months younger than me, when her 30th birthday was coming up and she said how she was freaking out about it. She said, ‘you’re 30 already, how does it feel? How did you cope with it?’ I said, ‘Honestly? Being in a car crash two months before your 30th really puts things into perspective. I am delighted to be 30. It’s fine.’ She was like, oh yeah 😬

It took me five attempts to pass my test. The first one was scheduled a week or two after my mum died suddenly, and I was very much still in shock – I remember saying to my instructor that I felt ‘not drunk but like I’ve had a tot of whisky’. But I insisted on taking the test because my mum had been so supportive and keen for me to pass. (Cruelly, I made one serious error minutes after leaving the test centre and then did the rest of the test perfectly, knowing I’d failed the whole time. I came home and cried my heart out because I felt I’d let my mum down.) My instructor always told me that attempt didn’t count and she was just impressed that I’d tried. On the attempt when I finally passed, I remember the examiner brought along another examiner who was in training, so I had extra eyes on me, and we encountered some really mad stuff on the way – like a white van that hared down a country lane and left me with no safe choice but to place our car in a ditch to get out of the way; and a lorry that decided to turn around in the middle of a dual carriageway?! – and the examiner said a big reason she’d passed me was because I had kept a level head when all these dangerous situations came up. (I guess I’d had a lot of practice at feeling afraid of everything on the road and dealing with it anyway.)

After passing, I was able to be out on my own in the car for the first time. I had two or three small scary things happen – nothing that would particularly challenge an experienced driver, e.g. stalling at a busy junction – and I had panic reactions. I started to get ‘jelly legs’, specifically my right leg would start trembling wildly so I had no control over the clutch and physically couldn’t drive the car. I could do mindfulness and positive affirmations and breathing exercises all day, and my wobbly leg would still prevent me from driving. I think I’d just been putting off all my anxiety for so long so I could just get through all my commitments, and finally it all became too much. And I just stopped driving. I stopped trying.

The toughest thing is that my dad is so utterly unsympathetic about it, he doesn’t get it at all and says I’m just being silly and obstinate. On top of the phobia, I’m really rusty and out of practice. I’ve no idea how to get help for this – do you get a counsellor or a specialist driving instructor? (I’m kind of too embarrassed to go back to my old instructor and admit to her what an idiot I am) – and recently covid made it impossible to get driving lessons for a long time anyway. I do worry though, because I rely on my dad and brother to drive me places all the time, and my dad won’t be able to forever. Recently a job opportunity came up for me and I couldn’t go for it because it might involve driving. I feel mortified about it all – driving is an adult skill, and I’ve got a licence that says I’m fully qualified, so how to explain to people that I can’t do it?

And as I said earlier, occasionally my dad asks me to drive to help him out (automatic only, I still can’t work a clutch.) And I feel I need to push down the anxiety and push myself to do it, get back behind the wheel. And I’m driving and I think, ‘yes, I can do this!’ Even though I probably couldn’t cope yet with any traffic situations that were too complex or busy (even though I know I’ve managed it on lessons in the past?) So when I drove half a mile today at under 30mph, it was a big deal for me.

So that’s everything about me and driving.

[thetomorrowshow]

Slower Than Words Ch. 20

First  -  Previous  -  Next

Been a busy week! I’ll let you know if I need to slow down updates! So how about we visit Virgil, see what’s up with him?

cw: a n g s t, panic attack

~

Virgil couldn't move. Roman had helped him into bed, then sat in the room for a while, trying to talk to him. When Virgil didn't respond, he eventually left, stating that he would be back later.

His world was crashing down around him.

Could he believe that just yesterday, he'd smiled? He'd laughed? Now it was all background noise, mindless buzzing that felt totally inconsequential. There was only one thing that mattered now. Patton.

Therapy had been rough, and Virgil had expected it to be. What he hadn't expected was to go over every meaningful interaction he had with Patton. The doctor had said she was “doing some tests”, so Virgil struggled to keep himself together as he talked about the one person he missed most in the world.

Then, she'd had the audacity—she'd dared to—

Virgil took a deep breath, blood boiling as he remembered that it was she who encouraged these breathing exercises. What if he didn't want to calm down? He deserved to feel, remember, Patton needed him to—

Virgil's legs started quaking, but he paid it no mind. He could not be wrong, admitting he was wrong would be abandoning Patton, he couldn't do that, he wasn't dead, he wasn't gone, he'd always been there and always would.

His breathing quickened, coming in short, shallow breaths. His entire body was shaking, and Virgil nearly puked when he realized he could smell rubbing alcohol. He hadn't had a flashback all week, he'd been doing so well!

As if summoned, there were gentle fingers on his wrist. Calm, the fingers traced. It's okay. I'm here.

“Patton,” Virgil croaked. “I—I knew it, you're here, you're here, I knew it—”

V breathe slow. Safe.

Virgil got his breathing under control after a dozen rounds of exercises. His legs were still quivering, but he knew where he was. He was in his room, in Roman's house, and he was going to be okay, and Patton—

Virgil choked.

His own hand gripped his wrist. His own hand was tracing soothing words.

“She was right,” Virgil whispered. His mind frantically grasped at straws, trying to explain what had just happened, as Virgil felt an overwhelming amount of despair.

“Virgil, you talk a lot about Patton. In every instance you told me about, however, you never hear him. You can't see him. Based on your time alone at the beginning of your imprisonment, it seems unlikely that they would suddenly decide to move you into a room with another person.”

Virgil's body had been completely out of energy, lax and unable to move, but now he was stiff as a board, locked in place. It couldn't be. It couldn't.

“We haven't been able to find out what that book was, based on your description of it.”

No. No no no no no.

“And I've seen you trace words onto yourself, in times when you need comfort. An interesting coping habit, one that might appear when a person is locked in a room with no outside stimulation.”

Virgil sobbed, full on weeping as his body couldn't move. This couldn't be happening. This couldn't be real.

And that was exactly the problem, wasn't it?

“Virgil, I think Patton may have been a hallucination that your brain fabricated in order to keep you comfort during the year that you were alone. I may be wrong, but everything you've told me about Patton points to it. Virgil, can you be absolutely certain that Patton was real?”

He'd said yes, he'd said that there was no other option. He'd stormed out of the office five minutes later. He'd refused to talk to Roman in the car. He'd gone straight to his room and curled up on top of his blankets.

Patton had to be real, didn't he? He couldn't have made up a person so complex, so loving, so wonderful. And, more realistically, he couldn't have created something so solid it had washed his clothes on days he felt too ill. Unless he'd imagined it. Anything was possible if it came from his head, wasn't it?

One part of him was screaming, begging him to not abandon his best friend. The other part of him was mourning the loss of Patton. Virgil wasn't sure what to do, torn this way. He had to be real. He was real—but was he? Where was the evidence?

The world was crumbling. Virgil choked on his tears, crying for Patton, crying for himself, crying for the loss he'd just suffered. Patton wasn't real, Patton had to be real, Patton couldn't be real.

Roman knocked on the door, asking cautiously if Virgil wanted to come down for dinner. Virgil pretended to not hear him, feigned sleep when Roman opened the door to look in. He buried his eyes in his pillow as he heard the door quietly shut, then Roman's footsteps retreating. He was alone, isolated, and the one person he'd truly loved had probably never even existed.

What was Virgil supposed to do?

-

“Dude, what does it say?”

A long silence. Virgil groaned. Apparently he'd gotten an email as well as a letter, but Roman had insisted on reading it to him. Screen-readers were 'too impersonal' now. It wasn't like he was going to get his information any other way.

“Virgil, I . . . I'm sorry.”

Virgil's heart dropped. Roman sounded lost for words, his voice cracking in the middle of the sentence. There was no way whatever the letter said was good news.

“You . . . you got in!”

In a shot of adrenaline, Virgil smacked him. Probably on the arm.

“Ow! That was my face, you heathen!”

Oops.

“Roman! Don't—why—” Virgil could barely speak. He'd gotten in? He was certain he wouldn't get in the first time, let alone twice . He got in!

“It's my job, as your adopted older brother!” Roman said, the false hurt completely gone from his tone. “I have to bully you a bit! You should've seen the look on your face, it was priceless!”

Virgil frowned, his heart still racing. He shook his head in an attempt to clear it a bit. “I'm . . . older than you?”

“Doesn't matter! I am, by proxy, older!”

Virgil snorted. “That makes no sense, dude.”

“Doesn't have to!” Roman proclaimed. Virgil could practically see him doing some dramatic arm thing. “I'm the older brother, and therefore, I don't have to make sense!”

Virgil tilted his head back in an approximation of rolling his eyes. According to Roman, it looked pretty creepy when he actually rolled his eyes, and it stung a little. Still, he would probably roll his eyes once he was around people who weren't Roman's parents.

He was really going back.

He sniffed, his nose burning. It had been so, so long. Had the campus changed? Would he be in a different dorm? Would he and Roman still share, since they were in different grades now?

He knew everything about their accessibility and whatever, about how they would accommodate disabled people. The school had actually reached out to him, informing him that he could finish his degree no problem, they had four or five visually impaired students already and could easily make it possible for him to continue his education. Virgil had been in contact with various foundations in order to work things out with his university, and he'd gotten a few scholarships—not to mention, the handful of scholarships he'd already had had gladly reinstated themselves. In fact, Virgil had pretty much already known that he'd be going back. There'd been very little room to doubt, as his therapist had told him several times.

This was real, though. Right there, in Roman's hands, was proof. He was allowed back, and would see teachers and classmates he hadn't seen in over a year. He was starting spring semester, which was still a few months away—Roman, despite his protests, had also put off starting his junior year until spring semester.

“Virge? Are . . . you okay?”

Virgil sniffed again, wiping his cheek to find a few tears there. “Yeah, I'm fine,” he said, with an attempt at a laugh. “I just . . . didn't think this would ever happen, y'know?”

Roman also laughed, albeit much more nervously. “With the way admissions was basically begging you to come back? Of course it happened!”

Neither of them acknowledged what Virgil really meant.

“So, packing?” Roman said, after several seconds of silence. “I know it's a while away, but is there anything specific you want to bring?”

With a pang, Virgil thought back to his hand-stitched hoodie. Hopefully it was bringing Patton as much comfort as it had always brought him. He'd had it for years, made it in Home Ec in high school. Until recently, he'd never been without it. It was bittersweet, in a way. Sure, it was gone, but it was with Patton. Like . . . like a piece of his heart would always be with Patton.

Virgil shook himself. That's stupid. And cheesy, he told himself. Grow up. Move on. He doesn't exist.

There was an ASL club on campus, one that Virgil planned on becoming a part of. Roman wanted to as well, making up something about having always wanted to learn sign, but Virgil knew it was just protectiveness. Virgil was pretty sure Roman had been about to rearrange his entire schedule so that they could have the same classes, despite the fact that Roman was a year ahead and in a different program of study. After a long evening of Virgil sitting in his room anxiously while Roman talked to his parents in the living room downstairs, Roman had come to the conclusion that it was best for him to continue with his intended major. Virgil was relieved—he was a grown adult, after all. He didn't really want someone trailing after him everywhere, insisting on helping him with every little thing.

Did he?

“Am I ready for this?” he wondered aloud. Roman gripped his shoulder tightly.

“I think so.” The words were soft, but no less powerful than Roman's usual loud tone. “You're so strong, Virgil. You're the strongest person I know.”

Virgil couldn't help but cringe. He knew someone much stronger. Whether that person was real or not was up for debate.

His most recent therapy sessions had involved a lot of tears, but Virgil had agreed to acknowledge that Patton might not exist. In turn, the doctor agreed to not make a formal assessment on Patton for the time being. It was still devastating, of course. It was still as if his entire world was falling apart. But Virgil was finding it easier to smile, more natural to joke with Roman.

He was healing.

Did he want to heal?

Yes, of course Virgil wanted to heal. He wanted to move on. He wanted to lead a normal life, without hurt and flashbacks and hallucinations.

But not without Patton.

There was a fork in the road approaching, Virgil was sure of it. He was going to have to choose between waiting for, hoping for Patton, and moving on. He wasn't sure what would happen when he reached that point.

But it scared him that he would have to make that decision alone.

~

Taglist (let me know if you want to be added/removed): @enragedbees @gotta-love-alejandra @bunny222 @basiic-emo @patt0n-sanders @rosiepupper @fangirlgeekandfreak @dn-fan21 @that2000skid @remy-the-lemon-berry @itsadastraperaspera @xionbean @sanderssides-angst @hell-yea-we-gay-tonight @maybedefinitely404 @broken-pencils @thewhimsicallibrarytech @doomllily @hereissananxiousmess @judyismydog  @arodynamic-enby @at-that-one-nerd @therapysides

[ithoughtthiswastwitterbutfr]

WandaVision Episode 8 spoilers

Ok I heard this episode is sad so I’m prepared to cry and ruin my eyeliner.

I’m just emotionally preparing myself rq before I start I’m assuming a lots gonna go down cause the second episode is the finale.

I’m still not ready 2 minutes later lmao wait.

Okay hmm the title is called Previously On so we’re going back in time to her childhood based on the summary.

I think we’re gonna get more insight on her and Visions relationship and how it formed and hopefully get to see her relationship with her brother I’m starting now.

Ugh my TV is glitching

Okay we’re starting out in witch trials so it’s Agathas backstory the lady staring at her looks familiar. Oh it’s her mom

Her powers are blue here she’s into dark magic and the book in her basement is the stolen book from Doctor Strange im assuming she began learning dark magic from it l.

As they started to drain her. Her powers became blue and she starting to drain them back. I’m assuming the witches shared power and it was blue and now that it’s dark magic it’s purple.

Wow she killed her whole coven my draining them of their life and magic. Then she took her mother’s amulet so that’s the amulet she’s always wearing from the comics is. 

She admitted her thoughts weren’t available and she was never under control.

Her accent is back because she’s angry because of her children being missing.

She possessed the fake Pietro from another universe she didn’t say he was from another universe she just said she couldn’t get to his body so she had to do possession instead of necromancy.

She picked up the fly now she’s chanting in Latin

She’s mind controlling and talking about how thousands of people can be under your control and all interact with each other with complex storylines which makes me think she wants Wanda power because she’s jealous she can do everything like transformation and mind control without having to study all the spells

“Magic on autopilot,” Dhe wants to know how she did this and she wouldn’t tell her and now she’s manipulating her with her own loneliness. She took a piece of her hair so now she has her DNA 

Real reruns aka memories so she can look into them to see how she did it.

Her kids are crying out for in the basement so she’s gonna go with Agatha to save them I honestly don’t think the cries were her own.

OHHH MY GOD

All the movies her parents were going to sell were the decades and movies she did projected.

When Wanda walked into the memory she turned into her younger self,

The Dick Van Dick show is in the TV shape of the one Darcy used on the first episode so we know where she got her inspo for that one.

Everything outside makes me think this is the scene where her parents die.

The Stark bomb just hit and she’s looking around and can’t find her family yeah the Stark industry label is in front of her and she’s reverted back to Sokovian because she’s young and not the best at English yet I’m assuming.

The TV I’d still on and playing the show “At the end of the episode you realize it was all a bad dream,” I’m not sure why she said that part in English maybe because she’s referring to the show and movie nights are for English? 

Agatha is asking if she used a probability hex to stop the bomb because Wanda reached her hand out towards it and that’s how she uses her powers.

Maybe Agatha is hinting towards Wanda being a natural born witch?

“So what I see here a baby witch obsessed with sitcoms and years of therapy ahead of her. Doesn’t explain your recent hijinks,”

Wanda used her powers subconsciously there and she’s probably using her powers subconsciously to keep Westview running and she used them subconsciously to get it started. 

“The only way forward is back,”

She’s referring to Wanda not wanting to go back to Hydra I haven’t seen the scene yet but I’m assuming it’s because the testing was painful and because she now knows who hydra is and what it stands for.

“Don’t be scared you already lived it once,”

They have Loki’s sceptor of course im assuming they got it from SHIELD since they are SHIELD.

She didn’t have to touch the sample it just came to her on its own further proving she’s a witch but I don’t think she knows she moved it,

She touched the tesseract making the mine stone she then absorbed all its energy and passed out.

In isolation she’s watching another sitcom I just can’t figure out which it is.

I’m sure the episode on the TV is important “she hasn’t got any feeling,” maybe it’s about the Westview citizens or maybe it’s about vision being a doll or like a puppet and the brother is like “she hasn’t got any feelings” just like when Pietro or Fietro called Vision a popsicle an inanimate object 

“So little orphan Wanda got up close and personal with an infinity stone that amplified what otherwise would’ve died on the vine. The broken pieces of you are adding up buttercup I have a theory but I need more,” This is probably talking about how if you don’t use your powers or learn to control them you stop having them but the infinity stone just made the powers she already had stronger. The name Scarlett Witch is starting to make sense now. 

Another door another memory that I’d her watching Malcom in the middle.

She said the Avengers compound was the first home she had ever shared with Vision and with her family and country gone she felt alone so I’m assuming she’s with Vision cause he cured her loneliness.

Vision walking through the walls again she asking him to watch the sitcom with her. The sitcoms are important to her and she’s sharing them with him.

“So it is funny because of the grievous injury that man just suffered?” Vision

“No he’s not really injured,” Wanda

“How Can you be sure?”

“It’s not that kind of show,”

I think this is sort of related to the fact that nothing bad ever happens in Westview permanently like in Malcolm in the middle where the roof structure fell on the dad sure he got hurt but it wasn’t a detrimental injury.

He wants to comfort to her “The only thing that would bring me comfort is seeing him again,” Wanda about Pietro she felt the same with Vision hence why Westview is happening and why he’s back.

“I’m so tired, It’s just like this wave washing over me again and again it knocks me down and when I try stand up it just comes for me again and I can’t- it’s just gonna drown me,” How she explains her grief and depression we’re getting a glismpe of how she copes with death in her actual reality.

Vision says he’s always been alone he never experienced loss because he never had a loved one to lose.

“What is grief if not love preserving,” Okay damn Vision getting all deep.

Aww they just had a moment and now he’s laughing over the show how sweet. The awkward smile they did at eachother. How cute

Vision was dead and she wanted him back now we get to see how she stole Visions body back from her perspective.

All the news on the TV playing might not be revelant but it’s related to tamiles being reunited after the blip. So this is very shortly after the blip and some people might be right thinking it was almost directly after Tony’s funeral.

“He deserves a funeral at least I deserve it,”

They’re letting her take him probably to be able to paint her as a villain which is why Hayward cut out the first part of the footage.

She’s being shown him take apart and sawed she’s in pain seeing him practically dying again. Hayward called vision a weapon and Wanda is saying he’s not a weapon because he wasn’t and he didn’t want to be a weapon Hayward is hiding his true intentions of bringing him back to be his own weapon

“I just want to bury him. That’s all I want,”

She said she can’t do that she truly believes she can’t.

He won’t let her take $3 billion of vibranium to put in the ground she just wanted him to have a proper burial but Hayward provoked her and set her off.

She can’t feel him. A nod to how Vision said “I only feel you,” When he asked Wanda to kill him there is nothing left. She hot in the car and went to Westview she left and when she left she didn’t have Visions body.

She’s pulled up to place where she planned to grow old in with Vision and it’s been demolished this is the scene where she breaks down crying over it. And when she grieved she lets it get the best of her which is how she put the house back together without realizing she was doing it. Then that spread over the whole town and she is projected her own version of Vision. But I’m unsure if this is really Vision or not because then she’d be way more powerful than I ever believe to be able to create people own her own.

Oh wow she’s showing all the lights and it’s like she’s own set so she’s back to where Agatha had this all set up and she was the audience.

Agatha is choking the twins “I know what you are. You have no idea how dangerous you are. You’re supposed to be a myth. A being capable of spontaneous creation. and here you are using it to make breakfast for dinner.” Maybe Wanda was a prophecy before hand and she just never learned how powerful she really was and now Agatha is trying to feed off her powers I’m assuming she’s going to try to get Wanda to push her powers into her so she can drain her.

“Let go of my children,” Wanda with her accent coming back.

“Oh, yes your children and Vision and this whole little life you’ve made, this is Chaos magic Wanda. That makes you the Scarlett Witch,” Ugh yes one of those moments where they say a name of the movie or a character that’s basically it’s own movie I love it.

I’m gonna research Chaos magic and then I’ll reblog this again after I research some other things too.

End credits time. “Team is ready for launch,” They’re going to use Wanda own power to attack her using Visions actual corpse. He’s been brought back as the one thing he didn’t want to be. A weapon. I’m not sure who that was who powered it up but was it Monica’s contact?

Also doesn’t Agatha have Monica now if she was possessing Fietro? I have a lot of questions that I can’t get out right now

[kyoko0001]

So I got re-diagnosed with ADHD recently and got on proper medications for it. I say re-diagnosed because I had been diagnosed in childhood multiple times, but my parents refused any sort of therapy or treatment for me. I’ve spent my entire life self medicating in various ways and beating myself up in an attempt to just be functional. 

I gave up on normal years ago!! After so many teachers, family members, and friends just telling me to be quite. Just pay attention. Just make a list. Just try this app. Just stick to a routine. Just write it down. Just don’t be so sensitive... I seriously wonder sometimes if I just... human wrong? 

The things my parents and teachers constantly told me run on repeat in my head every time I notice the gap between me and ‘normal.’ I berate myself by saying I am just being lazy. I am not trying hard enough. That if I can only do better, read another self help book, find a new app.... That I could be normal too. Everything would click and I could get my shit together. 

Over the years I think I myself have become my biggest bully... and I learned to bully myself for the natural way my brain works because a bunch of uneducated adults and teachers told me I was purposely failing because I just didn’t care. I learned that I didn’t deserve love, empathy, or basic human respect until I ‘grew out of it’ and that was so deeply ingrained in me, and my inner critic got so big, that I thought I was just... bad. Not even broken! just offensively wrong to everyone and anyone I came across.  

When I was a kid and still in catholic school we would stay after school mass for private prayer or reflection and I would look around at all the statues and crosses and wonder what I did to make god hate me. 

Let that sink in. 

I thought my parents and teachers hated me because god had made me bad. and no matter how many prayers I said, how often I went to confession, or how much repenting and apologizing I did to those statues... nothing changed. 

I don't have a unique experience. I am sure a lot of you relate to this and I am fucking sorry. 

I only graduated in 2015 guys. I’m 23. Those same ignorant teachers and school administrators sill work with kids just like me every single day and I wonder if they understand what a negative impact they can cause. Not just on kids with ADHD... but any kid who doesn’t have a perfect home life or is struggling with mental health issues. We are called liars. We are told we are faking. We are told we just want attention. We are called dramatic. We are told we are lazy. That we lack work ethic and if we don’t want to work at McDonalds for the rest of our lives we better get it together. 

The thing that always frustrated me the most... is that I always tried.

It was never about not trying. 

I don’t think I am more overwhelmed as an adult then I was in school... but I think I am more aware that it is not normal for things to actually be this hard. I’ve been in therapy for like... 2 years now I think? I needed two years of therapy to deal with the complex trauma from my first 18 years of life to even get to a point of being able to show myself enough compassion to not instantly shut down the thought of “well maybe I have no reason to lie to myself and everyone else about how my brain works?”  

Yes. 

I have a lot of genuine fear that I am making the entire thing up for attention and all those teachers and my shit parents were right all along. That really I am just lazy and life really is this hard and it wont get any better because everyone procrastinates or gets distracted every now and then. 

I know I am not alone in this ether. Tons of people feel this way about their mental health because our society treats mental health differently than other forms of illness or trauma. You wouldn't worry about faking a broken arm or a failing kidney. 

I was shaking as I waited for my appointment to start. I was terrified that I wasn’t going to be believed even though all I had to do was tell the truth. I was afraid to say that I felt like the coping skills I had learned on my own through self help books and therapy were not enough and I wanted to try medication. I was afraid she was going to think I was just a drug seeker because I have self medicated with different things in the past to try and quite my head down enough to function. 

Instead I felt listened too, validated, and not alone. 

I had my first day at work today on my new medication and FUUUUUCK is there a night and day difference. I don’t act any different in a social setting but guys... . My head was quieter then it has been in years and instead of crying in the bathroom because I was overwhelmed... I had to take a quick cry brake because it was 4:30 and I actually got everything done I needed to without my brain pulling me in 50 directions all at once. 

Do you know how much energy you have at the end of the day when you’re not spending your entire day mentally berating yourself over the fact that you are doing everything but the thing you need to do? Do you know how much time I save when I don’t have to start from the beginning of work tasks over and over every time I get interrupted because I loose my train of thought and don't want to make a mistake? 

After I got out of work it was not straight home to smoke some weed and vegitate because I am out of spoons and transformed back into my natural gremlin state. I stopped and put gas in my car, I did my dishes, I walked the dog, and I worked on my fics some while still getting downtime! I still got to play on tiktok and obsessively check the election results. 

My energy level, concentration, and mood have been consistent the entire day. That NEVER happens. 

I get to go to bed tonight knowing I did every fucking thing I was supposed to do today and honestly... I have no clue how many years its been since I could say that. 

Today I wasn’t just functional... I got to feel normal. 

[prettywordsyouleft]

10 Dates | The Moving In Date

Summary: Kim Junmyeon was the epitome of a perfect catch - he was successful, handsome and everything you currently didn’t want in a man. Yet after agreeing to his request to give him 10 dates in total to change your mind, you realised you might have been looking for someone like him all along.

Pairing: Kim Junmyeon x reader

Genre: dating au / romance

Warnings: none

Preview | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10

You had stopped counting dates with Junmyeon from that moment out. You had already decided in Italy you didn’t need any more to know you wanted to be with him and after your confrontation over the confessions that had surmounted in the foreign country; you were both at ease with one another.

You found that Junmyeon, whilst honest with his thoughts and desires, would still hold back a little at times, worried he was travelling faster down this road together with you.

You didn’t mind the catching up part though. Junmyeon equally had more to learn about you than the girl he had crushed over as a teen. You surprised him often and he kept you on your toes too. It was a good balance of romance and realism and after six months of being together, you woke up in the middle of the night and you just knew.

You would love Junmyeon for the rest of your life.

It was a surreal moment to bask in. The immediate joy that overwhelmed you from such clarity was soon hijacked with a rush of need. You wanted him to know how you felt, you craved to see his reaction and the concept of waiting until the sun rose in the morning seemed unfathomable. You would be worked up until you spoke everything to him, and given it was just a little after two in the morning, you didn’t know how you could even sit still for the next thirty minutes, let alone hours until it was acceptable to go out.

Blinking slowly, you realised that you only had one option and after flinging the blankets back, you got up and put on the clothes closest to you, collecting your bag from your desk and then pulled out your phone. You would simply call for an Uber and go to him.

That would ease your mind and give warmth back to your bones. The mere thought of waking up without being beside him had made you shiver once you had considered all that you had.

Making your way out into the lobby of your apartment complex, you went to order your ride, only to falter when you saw the familiar car outside. Your phone fell away from your view and you vaguely threw it in your purse before heading to the exit, your movements soon rushed. It was a sense of deja vu from your date months ago when you first went to his house, though you had been expecting Junmyeon then.

Just what was he doing outside your apartment right now?

Spotting your approach, Junmyeon jumped out of his car, his eyes round with surprise. “What are you… where were you going?”

“To you,” you announced from within his chest that you had collided with, laughing a little giddily as you breathed him in. You felt grounded, at home once more. “What are you doing here?”

“I missed you and couldn’t sleep. Sometimes I just end up driving and sitting here for a bit. It makes me feel closer to you,” he confessed and you pulled back to see the bashful smile he gave you.

Stretching up to peck his lips, you smiled back. “I love you, Kim Junmyeon.”

You expected him to freeze up like he had since the first confession. To rein in his sudden joy so it didn’t burst out prematurely. There had been a couple of times where you had gotten close to uttering those words to him recently, but it never came as easily as it did now. You continued with the comparison of how effortlessly they fell out in Italy, how warm you felt all over from expressing them. You knew this moment trumped the first. You weren’t falling anymore. He had caught you and your heart and now you were certain.

Much like the way you had jolted away with the sudden clarity of your own heart, you were amazed by how readily Junmyeon accepted it.

“God, I love you so much too,” he murmured, kissing you again. You melded into one, your bodies pressed together as much as your lips were.

And then you realised how little you had put on to come out in. Or, Junmyeon did. He looked at your mismatched outfit and chuckled. “You were in a rush?”

“To tell you I loved you. Do you accept me even when I look like a right state?” you teased and Junmyeon grinned, kissing your temples gently.

“Baby, you know I accept everything about you. Except you freezing in this night air. Come on, I’ll take you back to mine.”

Once in his car, you glanced back and forth at the man beside you, trying to wrestle with the second notion in your chest right now. Sure, confessing that you loved him had come easy, but it wasn’t just that which had overwhelmed you. Knowing that you loved Junmyeon as much as you did, you no longer wanted what you had currently. Especially after finding him outside your apartment, and discovering this wasn’t the first time either.

“Junmyeon,” you started and he took his eyes off the road momentarily to look at you curiously.

“What, my love?”

You tried to contain your swooning ways and press onwards, but he lifted his hand away from the steering wheel to grab your own, drawing it up to his lips and brushed them lightly over your knuckles. You squirmed in your seat. “You’re distracting me from my serious question.”

“Distracting you how? You’re the one who told me in the middle of the night you’re in love with me. It’s amazing I’m still functioning right now.”

You whined outlandishly which made him chuckle. But he dropped your hand and nodded for you to continue.

“Let’s change things.”

“Didn’t we just do that with our love confessions?”

“Yes but I mean, further.”

“How?”

You took in a deep breath before saying, “Let’s move in together.”

“R-really?” he asked, darting his focus between you and the road. You noticed he gripped the steering wheel tightly and was struggling to hold back his smile. Swallowing visibly, he then nodded. “Let’s talk about this when I’m not driving.”

It was a supercharged ten minutes until Junmyeon turned off the ignition to his car, shooting you a brief look as he unbuckled his seatbelt. Strangely, he didn’t say a word and got out to head inside, so you followed him across the garage to the internal access door. And once you were inside, Junmyeon spun around and entrapped you against it, kissing you with demand.

Your mind swirled with immediate desire and confusion. As his passion erupted, you were carried along with the building emotion, as well as physically, to his bedroom. And once he had you down on his bed, your lips pulled away from his.

“Is this how you plan to talk about my suggestion?”

He heaved in a steadying breath, shaking his head as he tugged his jumper over his head. “This is my delayed reaction to your confession.”

“Oh, delayed is it?” you murmured, your hands now working on ridding yourself of your clothes. You hadn’t even put on a bra beneath your hoodie and Junmyeon cursed lowly when he discovered this.

“More like, it took a lot of effort to maintain myself until now.”

“We’ll talk later?”

“The answer is yes, but you already know that,” he spoke into the skin just below your ear, causing you to shudder. “It’s always yes when it comes to you.”

“Perhaps we can talk in the morning about my suggestion. Right now, I’m certain we have another type of communication that needs attention.”

Junmyeon smirked and lowered his lips to yours. It wasn’t long until your soul was singing out endless love confessions for him.

“I have to admit this happened a lot later than I expected,” Ayla announced after you returned to the apartment with an arm full of boxes.

Kelsi nodded. “I expected this weeks ago.”

“You’re both okay with me moving out?” you asked and your best friends nodded immediately.

“Please, it’s hardly moving out when you already spend more time there than here.”

“Every weekend you’re gone. And there was that week recently where you seemed to just disappear.”

“Hey!” you exclaimed with a playful push in Kelsi’s direction. “Junmyeon was sick and needed me to nurse him back to health!”

“God only knows how he coped when unwell for all those years without you, Y/N,” Ayla teased and you rolled your eyes.

“I’m sorry it leaves you both in the lurch as I haven’t exactly found a roommate to replace me. But don’t worry I’ll pay my share of the rent until you find someone.”

“That’s all you’re concerned about?” Kelsi wondered with a heavy sigh. “You can repay me by setting me up a date with one of Junmyeon’s friends. Surely since he’s such a prince, he’d have equally amazing people in his world.”

“I wouldn’t really know,” you said and Ayla snorted.

“Y/N’s too blinded by her own happily ever after that she can’t stop to help you with yours, Kels.”

“That’s not entirely true!” you bit back and then laughed sheepishly. “But I do only have eyes for Junmyeon so I can’t really say I’ve paid that much attention to how handsome his friends are or not.”

“When do you move in with your Prince Charming then?”

“He’s coming around tomorrow to help me with the boxes and then any furniture I need on the weekend.”

“Can’t bear to be away from him any longer?”

You proudly admitted to it. “It’s time for us to do this.”

“Soon there will be wedding bells,” Ayla mentioned and you smiled giddily. “Really?! You’re already thinking like that?”

“Maybe children in the next five years would be nice too,” you uttered and both women gasped.

“She’s truly in love with him.”

“I said it from the start, how could she not fall in love with Kim Junmyeon. Just remember I am the reason you found him! If it wasn’t for me, that date wouldn’t have happened!”

Shifting closer to your best friend, you kissed her on the cheek, making her giggle despite trying to push you off as you hugged her. “You are the fairy godmother in my story, Kelsi.”

“Y/N’s beyond salvation now,” Ayla commented and then grinned. “I’m happy for you, babe.”

“Me too! You finally found the right guy who you had dreamed of all along.”

You nodded as you pulled both of them for another hug. You had dreamed of this ever since you were younger. You had kissed a lot of frogs until you found Junmyeon too. But more importantly, you had found yourself at his side. You were no longer running from love or making it something that was expressed in the fairytales. Love took a whole lot more than just being attracted to someone. It meant accepting all of them and journeying with them before you could tell what your heart really felt.

Italy had been the dream and once you had woken up from it, well, it had definitely got you to this point now.

You couldn’t wait to move in with Junmyeon and see what was next for you both.

_________________

Part 10

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[traumafos]

Hi, I've been struggling lately with something that I recently came across. A trauma therapist posted on IG about not to mistake shared trauma as compatibility, as this can lead to a trauma bond, and now I feel ashamed about shipping with my f/os. I tend to gravitate towards villains in general and one of my f/os is an adult survivor of child abuse like me. But after reading that post on IG, I feel like I am the problem and that I should not be attracted to this f/o because I am self-sabotaging through a potential trauma bond and that if I don't fix the makadaptive issue, I'm not on the right healing path and that makes me a bad person. I'm sorry if this is triggering btw, I didn't know who else to ask that could understand.

Oh it's not triggering at all, don't worry! I'm gonna preface again that I'm not an expert, I have no credentials, I only speak on my own opinions and experiences with self shipping and trauma. What she says is right, a trauma bond in a relationship can be very negative indeed, but also... I think we're forgetting that a self ship is not at ALL the same as a real relationship!

Saying that a trauma victim identifying with and gravitating to a chatacter with trauma is "self sabatoging" is, to me, the same as saying a trans person identifying with and gravitating to a trans character is self sabotaging. Dude, OF COURSE you identify with them! It's a character in fiction who is written to share traits with you, that you can relate to! You gravitate toward them because their story describes some aspect of your experience! That is completely normal! Every person who has ever consumed a piece of fiction has done that in some way.

From my understanding, the reason trauma bonding is dangerous is because it creates a mental connection between the ups and downs of an unstable relationship, and pleasure. But with self shipping, YOU are the creator of both what you feel, and what your partner feels. You decide what the relationship is like because it's ideas and concepts that YOU create! There is no way to form any kind of trauma bond because there is no instability from a 2nd party to latch onto.

I think that connecting with characters in fiction, self shipping, and using characters to open the way for recovery, can be VERY healthy and a very good coping tool.

I also have an F/O (ggs) who is a VERY evil villian character. I loved him a lot for the cartooney villian aspect, and our dynamic, but when I learned during this year that I actually had trauma; I started headcanoning that he did too. Since then he's become a sort of "trauma comfort character" for me. I imagine him and I connecting over it, and supporting each other through mutual healing. The feelings of comfort and understanding I've built in myself with this have been really helpful, and it's offered me a place of solace, comfort and stability in a new and scary aspect of my life that I felt I was alone in.

Those are the skills self shipping builds: self love, self reflection, and self understanding. Imagining someone you love so dear being able to love you, or in this case; heal with you, leads you to believe you may be worthy of loving, and worthy of healing. And it can never be unhealthy in a 1-to-1 relationship aspect, because your F/O is not a person with their own feelings, experiences or ideas. They are what you want them to be. There is no fear of unhealthy attachement, or hurt feelings, because it isn't a two way street. (Unless you're losing touch with reality because all you wanna do is selfship all day, but that's a completely DIFFERENT issue)

Self shipping is a playground, with you and yourself. It can be very mentally/emotionally beneficial in that way. And hell; that's why I MADE this blog!

My ship with ggs brings me comfort, because imagining a scenario where someone completely and fully understand what I went through, and building a bond of protecting/supporting each other in that recovery, is INCREDIBLY cathartic. My ship with ggs is also great because imagining him and his reaction to his own trauma, his thoughts and feelings (though many of them are very different from mine), has helped me explore and discover my own feelings through him.

TL;DR: So long as you keep in mind that:

-this fictional ship is not the same as a real relationship, and therefore it does not have the same rules or complexities.

-Taking the exact same mindset from a self ship (always being able to know/decide what your partner is thinking, agreeing on everything all the time, only having your feelings or needs considered and met, etc) into a real relationship will lead to an unhealthy dynamic

-This is a personal playground to discover yourself, and a tool to cope

-Self shipping is NOT a REPLACEMENT for a real relationship, or therapy

-The trauma, negative traits, and emotional complexities that can be alluring and fun to play with in a fictional character, are NOT parallel to those same traits in a real person, and should never be seen as positive or alluring in a real person

-Your love for the character/ship should not turn into obsession, an unhealthy attachement, or an inability to interact and connect with real people

I do not see anything wrong with using self shipping as a coping tool, or anything that you've told me. A fictional ship that you go to for fun and comfort, in normal circumstances, CANNOT send you off of your healing path, and it does not make you a bad person.