#dad aizawa | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

dediezzyyy · 12 days ago

Text

0.1 I have never failed to fail.

Aizawa x platonic student!reader

Synopsis: Father's Day is right around the corner. And you can't stop thinking about how you wish that your sensei was your dad.

Cw: angst, loneliness, insecurities, thoughts of suicide, reader has no father, some cursing, I'm going through the feels rn. This takes place after the war, so reader and classmates are second years.

Nirvana song: you know you're right.

Lithium m.list

It was too much. The yearning, the what-ifs, everything.

Every time you looked at your sensei, your heart throbbed in pain.

Was it too much to ask? Was it too much to wonder if in another universe you had one?

Was it too much to ask if it could be him?

You never had a father. And you almost hated how much it left an impact on you. You didn't really care if people knew that you were fatherless, but you didn't really want to show that it hurt at times.

Your mother was a hard worker, and you loved her to death. So you understood whenever she had to work late and wasn't always able to share time with you. You became used to the quiet dinners at night at a young age, staying awake so that your mother didn't have to come back home in a dark house. You didn't want her to feel alone, and her tired but grateful smile never ceased to make you swing your legs in happiness.

You worked hard to get into UA, and you trained your quirk to the best of your ability. You didn't want to be a burden, so you did your best to help out, and when you got into 1-A, everybody appreciated your generosity and kindness. It made you happy, being able to please your beloved classmates as they spoke words of appreciation towards you. Hah, even Bakugou gave you a nod and a lingering gaze whenever you helped out.

Yet there was one person you oh so dearly wanted to impress, to prove your worth to.

To prove that you were enough. And that person was Aizawa Shouta, your homeroom teacher. He was strict and hardworking as he almost always seemed cold; expressions blank and tone dead. Yet you saw how he cared, how he patted his students' heads when they tried their hardest or gave advice whenever they needed it. You memorized the way he fought to defend your class at the USJ incident.

And the paranormal liberation war, the boss battle at the end of the war, and-

How useless were you that you couldn't even help the man who you dreamed of being your father figure?

You always degraded yourself for not being able to help, for not being able to do something at least.

He was rather cold with you, not providing any of that small warmth he gave to his other students. With you, he acted as if you were merely a stranger he had to teach. Those dark eyes squinting in what you believed was disappointment whenever you messed up. Oh, how you loathed yourself for not being better.

You were hard on yourself from time to time, and that made you struggle more during training and academics. You didn't want to be useless, yet you couldn't really rely on anyone without showing vulnerability.

Vulnerability didn't feel comfortable. It felt weird and suffocating and like your chest was being pried open for everyone to see what you really felt on the inside-

Solitude felt safer. And right now? You were in the comfortable solitude of your room; inside while your classmates were all out in the common room preparing a small celebration for Aizawa for Father's Day.

Yaoyorozu had asked you if you wanted to participate, the others looking at you hopefully as you always had creative ideas and good taste. But you refused, said that you were feeling sick as you retreated to your room in a state of panic. Your panic seeming more like a dead dread to the the watchful eye.

You felt bad of course, you could practically feel the way their eyes deflated as you rushed out of the room. Your guilt only feeding into that dark space that you refused to acknowledge. That dark space that only grew the more you chose to ignore it.

You know that you're not the strongest. Or the smartest or the prettiest, but you helped at least, right?

You remember how Bakugou scoffed at your excuse, muttering something under his breath as Ashido and Kirishima raised their eyebrow. Yaoyorozu just seemed saddened while Shouto tilted his head in worry, reaching his hand out to ask if you were okay but you were already gone before they could ask questions.

That was a week ago, and your classmates were waiting for Aizawa to come back to surprise him.

Everyone was downstairs, dressed nicely as they wore party hats and hid in the dark. And you? Well, you were in the darkness of your room as you stared at the ceiling, wondering where was your place after all of this.

Why were you here again?

Oh, right. Because you worked hard. And your mother worked every day to put food into your tummy and to make sure that you had a happy childhood. And you were damned if you weren't gonna make her proud.

But for some reason, no matter what you did, you couldn't make him proud.

You tilt your head to the side, staring at your door and the light that illuminated from underneath.

Aizawa was a rather tricky person to decipher, and he was known to be strict while expelling students from UA. Yet throughout the school year, he demonstrated his love for your class, even if it seemed rather harsh at times. And harsh he was with you.

But not in a way that was loud and rough, but in the way his eyes gleamed with disappointment whenever you made an embarrassing mistake during tests, in the way he let out a heavy sigh when you slipped or let your guard down during training. No, his harshness towards you was subtle, and bitter, leaving you to self-loath yourself whenever he gave you criticism.

Whispers were being muttered, as well as the front doors that had just been opened. Aizawa just came back from patrol.

Your heart rate spiked, and your breathing became uneven as you started to become conscious of your body, of the fact that you were alive. Yet your mind wasn't present-

Cheers erupted and the sound of party blowers became heard through the building. And suddenly everyone cheered 'Happy Father's Day' to Aizawa, while you lay in your own solitude and cage. How pathetic.

You let out a choked sob, tears blurring your vision as your chest heaves. Fuck, were you a mess. You couldn't even say happy Father's Day without being tormented by your own guilt and thoughts.

You shut your eyes closed, tears welling as your throat burned. You could hear the muted cheers and laughter, the sound of cameras clicking and pictures being taken. And you weren't there.

It's not like you would've made a difference anyway, you weren't really important. No one noticed you.

So why did it fucking hurt? Why did you wish he noticed? Why do you want to be selfish and make this day miserable when it was supposed to be happy? Why did you care so fucking much-

You gasp, choking back tears as you sit up on the bed and hug yourself, silencing your cries so that no one would hear you; so that you wouldn't ruin the party. So that no one would care and that hopefully he wouldn't notice-

You sobbed, gritting your teeth as you hugged yourself tighter. Cold, was your embrace. Just like your childhood. Dead, did your heart feel. Just like the love your father had for you-

Stop being selfish! This isn't about you! It's about Aizawa-

A sob escapes your throat, feeling your body tremble at the reminder. This was about how you didn't grow up with a father so you cope by imagining scenarios where in an alternate reality he is your father. You only yearn for a father figure because a small part of you is still a lonely fragile child who thought and felt too much-

Get over it, you tell yourself. Nails digging into your palms to create some sort of relief from this unbearable pain called sorrow.

You force yourself to breathe, even if it hurts and you wish you didn't- frustration building up in your stomach as you wipe off the tears on your face. You need air because your lungs hurt too much to do it by itself. Your palms cover your ears, and you find relief in being able to block out all of the joy and laughter from downstairs.

You sigh, closing your eyes as you lean your head back on the board. Yet you could still hear them, their voices and their joy and your breathing-

You need air. You need to get out-

You kick your legs off the bed, stumbling as you struggle to maintain balance. God, did you feel dizzy.

You somehow manage to drag yourself into the bathroom, hands gripping the sink as your eyes flick towards the mirror. Your curls were messy, and you had bags under your eyes. Some scars decorated your face, along with the moles scattered across your body. Your face twists in anguish, only seeing the resemblance you had with Aizawa. Yet you weren't his child, and you never would be.

Your brows furrow, eyes full of pain as you stare at the reflection. Hands struggle to open the tap as you try to breathe, letting the cold water stabilize you and bring you out of your thoughts.

Fuck, if you kept feeling this way you were going to trigger your quirk. Your stomach drops at the thought, remembering all the pain you felt with activating your quirk: adrenaline. It's power making you feel alive yet dead at the same time. Was this the definition of a blessing and a curse?

You shake your head, splashing water on your face as your fingers brush against the scars that run along your right cheek; starting from your temple and all the way to your cheekbone, the lower one slightly shorter than the top one.

"Wow, Y/nnie! You're scar sorta looks like the one Aizawa Sensei has!" Mina gushed, leaning closer to your face as you had came back from the hospital after the war had finished.

You shudder at the memory, deadpanning to the mirror as you walk out. The only light in the room was the one that gleamed through the bottom of the door, and the curtains were slightly open which let the sunlight shine through the cracks. You sigh, looking toward the plants scattered across your dorm as you let your fingertips brush against one of the leaves.

"I'm sorry I haven't been paying much attention to you, I promise I'm going to do better," you mutter, eyes softening as you caress the leaves of your cast iron plant: skillet. (Yes, you named him that, don't hurt his feelings.)

You sigh, walking past the plants as your fingers grasp the handle of the screen door, sliding it open as you let the sunlight shine on your eyes. Your lashes flutter, adjusting to the glow of the sun as you step out and slide the door shut behind you.

A small grin makes its way onto your lips, and for a moment you forget about all the one-sided drama going on in your life right now. "God, you're so beautiful," you rasp, voice merely a whisper as you admire the sun.

You walk towards the railing, resting your forearms against it to admire the sun for just a moment. Aizawa likes to watch the scenery, you think. It seems to always bring him some sort of peace. Tears slightly swell in your eyes, and suddenly your heart starts to hurt.

'What if in another universe, he let me watch the sunsets with him?'

Your hands grip the railing, knuckles turning white as if it's a lifeline. You're fine, no one is going to see you as long as you time it right. You just need some fresh air, the others will understand, right?

You don't let yourself think any more, taking a deep breath as you throw your legs over and jump- you land on the ground swiftly, hiding near the bushes and away from the windows. You exhale, slowly peeking through to see if anyone is nearby, and you think your heart sinks at the sight in front of you.

You can see Ashido smiling, jumping up and down as she takes pictures of Kirishima and Uraraka making Aizawa wear a party hat, a small smile gracing his face as he's surrounded by his beloved students. Ouch.

You pry your eyes away from the godforsaken sight. You check your surroundings, the light of the common rooms glowing through the windows as you don't dare look inside again. Because if you do, you're most definitely going to break apart and cry in the bushes.

You deadpan at the thought, hands pulling the hood of the jacket over your head, quietly moving away from the window as you walk away from the building.

It's slightly breezy, but otherwise, it's warm and quiet outside. The sun is slowly setting, and you make a mental note to come up with an explanation of where you were when you came back from your walk.

Your feet carry you out of the UA grounds, wandering out as you keep your head down. The hangover of your breakdown still weighing down on you. It was so easy to disappear, so easy to blend in the background as you observed everyone else smile and laugh. You always stayed on the sidelines, watching as everyone else was so full of emotion while you were numb.

Numb, you feel. Like those quiet dinners late at night, numb like your brain and heart as you stand by yourself and watch the other kids play on the playground. Numb, like your memories every time you look back to the past.

The city lights and traffic provide safety- knowing that everyone is too busy with something else to acknowledge you. And you breathe, deeply, feeling the bitterness of the relief it brings you.

Here in the city, no one cared. Not Ashido not Kirishima, or Aizawa, or even that stranger you saw in the reflection of the glass in stores-

Your head turns towards the children with their parents, hugging and smiling at their fathers as they celebrate this holiday. You pause, watching from the other side of the sidewalk and through the cars, they seem so happy. Like they have nothing to worry about. And a part of you envies that. Wishing that little you could have a smidge of what they had.

But oh, well. You guess it wasn't meant to happen in this life. But if you couldn't have that, then at least those innocent little children could, you think, a tired smile smearing your lips.

Oh, you were always so selfless. Putting others before yourself, and perhaps that would be your downfall. Yet you didn't mind, not when you were able to see others live their lives in peace.

You move your foot in front of the other, forcing yourself to keep walking as you head to a park nearby. It's quiet there, unknown to most, and perfect for you and your friend named solitude.

The breeze flows through you gently, and you let it help you breathe; your lungs and throat still hurt from crying, and you still feel a bit weak. But you're almost there, and you'd be able to rest once you get there.

The park is empty, except for the occasional bunny wandering through and the fireflies. It's peaceful, you think. And you don't hesitate to sit on the bench near the ponds and trees. Your hand slides across the polished wood, sitting down as you lean back and rest.

The sky is dark, with the stars glimmering around like little freckles. It was peaceful, alive yet dead if it wasn't for your slow breathing.

You close your eyes, leaning your head back as you let your mind drift back to your sensei. Oh, fuck-

You knew he didn't care about you, that part was obvious. So how were you going to stop caring about him? How did he make it seem so easy?

Everyone knew that Aizawa could be harsh. Hell, you've witnessed it happen with Bakugou and Midoriya. You saw his worry hidden in frustration, his protectiveness masked behind his stoic demeanor. Yet he didn't give you anything. Not even the infamous criticism that led to advice and hidden comfort. All he gave you was his emptiness and disappointment.

And fuck, did that feel too familiar.

You sigh, running a hand through your hair as a habit. You couldn't keep going like this. You couldn't keep drowning yourself like this, chasing after the validation of a man who didn't even see you as more than another mere student- a blank face.

You couldn't keep up with this. With him, with your classmates and all of this fucking angst and drama. You couldn't force your quirk to he better in seconds, you couldn't force yourself to be enough.

Hot tears start to blur your vision, but you don't stop. Even if your heart hurts too much-

So if you couldn't be enough, you were going to become a burden. Which led to you slacking and holding the others back, which would eventually become a problem. A sob escapes your throat, suddenly feeling the crushing realization of what you always did whenever you had problems.

You got rid of them.

You close your eyes, a tear sliding down your cheek and falling onto your knee. And suddenly, you're reminded of what Aizawa called his students. Problem children. Yet it was laced with a hidden affection that everyone could feel, everyone but you. You weren't one of them. You were just a problem.

Oh, but how badly did you want to be his child.

You sigh, pulling out your phone from your pocket as you ignore the text messages your classmates sent you, probably asking where you were or if you were feeling better. It won't matter soon, you think. You'll already be gone by the time they realize what you're doing.

You pull up to Principal Nezu's email, fingers trembling as you struggle to type the message. You gulp, trying to stay stable as you feel the reality of your decision.

No one would care. They all have each other, anyway. The class was big enough already, and even Mineta was a part of them. But you? Where did you fit? You weren't part of Bakugou's gang, or Midoriya's friend group. You weren't part of anything. You were just...you. You with your drifting mind and loner tendency. Fuck, even Hagakure was more seen than you were.

You frown, eyes narrowing as you finish typing the email, your thumb trembling as it hovers over the send button. Were you really going to do this just because you let your emotions get the best of you? And for a moment, your mind drifts to your life throughout the years, wandering, hoping for someone to be by your side.

Shoto. Oh, fuck, what about Shoto?

Shoto, who you have bonded with ever since you got into UA. Shoto, who stood by your side as you went through the side effects of your quirk. Shoto, who had grown to care for you and tell you about his past. Shoto, who always had time with you. He always ate with you; walked with you to school, and spoke about everything and nothing with you. He had made you feel seen and cared for, and you believed you did the same to him. But he had his friends now, you reminded yourself. He was happier than before, and you could let yourself ruin that for him.

And soon enough, he didn't have time for you anymore.

Your eyes stare at the screen, letting your mind drift to all the times you were cast aside- as if you were merely someone who wasn't even alive.

Ashido and all the other girls had requested your help for a party they were hosting for your class, and they had wanted your opinion on a few things. The pinkette smiles at you, hands behind her back as she gives you puppy dog eyes. "Y/nnie!! Which dress should I wear for the party? I've already picked out this super cute teal one but this other one is an adorable sundress that-" "Wait, there's a party happening? Why wasn't I invited?" You ask, raising a brow as you see the girls tense and look away awkwardly. Uraraka clears her throat, a guilty expression on her face as she rubs her nape. "Well, we didn't think you would want to go! You're always so busy with other things that we didn't want to bother you!" Oh. Your shoulders slightly slump, but you only smile and give a nod. "Well, you're not wrong," you laugh, forcing yourself to rub it off as they look at each other hesitantly before giving you small apologetic smiles. And right after you left, not even five minutes later they began rambling about what they were going to wear and who they thought was going to come.

That moment was one of many, a few days later Ashido posted pictures of the party your class had, and everyone was there. For heaven's sake, even Monoma and the 1-B students came.

And you couldn't even start with the relationship you had with your sensei. If you could even call it that. It was always the heavy sighs and looks of apathy, never giving you eye contact, and always the cold shoulder.

You had just finished training, and your hands rested on your knees as you panted. The weather was scorching in the harsh heat, and training wasn't exactly easy since you had to skip breakfast to not be marked as late. Aizawa strolled towards you, and you internally groaned, already preparing yourself for the lecture. "You're weak, L/n. If you're weak, you can't fight. And if you can't fight, you're practically dead in the first few seconds into battle-" You couldn't hear any more of what he said after that, ears already ringing as you tried to blink away your blurred vision. Your throat feels dry, and you're barely able to realize the moment Aizawa places his hand on your arm. "L/n," he rasps, eyes darting over your pale face. Aizawa sighs, removing his hand as you internally wince in humiliation. "Go back inside, your training is over." And fuck, would it add more to your embarrassment if you cried in front of him.

You swallow the lump in your throat, staring numbly at the screen as you realize it didn't matter if you cared for them, they didn't care for you.

And Aizawa only saw a student who was too weak to become a hero. He only saw a failure.

And so, a failure you will be. You press send, and for the first time, breathing doesn't hurt.

You let out a sigh, shoulders relaxing as you rub your forehead. Sure, this seemed incredibly selfish and petty, and maybe a bit shocking, but it was for the best. If you kept going, you were going to die. You knew that you weren't strong enough, not strong enough to fight to keep on living-

Your shoulders slump, jerking as you sob silently. You remember the war. The horror, the gore, the fear- you remember the pleasure that came with the thought of dying. And you remember the moment you were so close to death.

You were aiding Aizawa on the battlefield, but you became separated from him when Shigaraki came. You had hit your head against the pavement, and you couldn't see your sensei anymore. Blood had already begun to drip down your face, but you didn't seem to care as you stared at him. Stared at the man who was the cause of all this. The man who could kill you by the touch of his hand. You were in utter fear and awe, to say the least. You were so close to Shigaraki, so, so close to the hands of death that you even began to step towards him in a daze. Shigaraki had noticed you, and a wicked grin appeared on his lips as he began to come towards you- but a hand had gripped your shoulder in an almost hurtful grip and ripped you back with complete force, dislocating your shoulder in the process- it was Aizawa. And it seemed that he was beyond disappointed. He was furious. And that had scared you more than death did. He stared at you as if you were insane, and he began yelling at you out of anger and lectured you with a harsh tone- but you were already in too much pain to remember what he said; silent tears were dripping down your face as you whimpered in pain, your hand holding your shoulder as blood continued to drip from your head onto your face. He hurt you, and it looked like he was too busy yelling at you to notice what he did. You don't remember much after that, only staring in horror of the empty space where his lower leg should have been. He had cut his own leg off, and he had to save you because you got too close to getting yourself killed.

After that battle, you didn't want to visit him at the hospital. You couldn't. It was practically a suicide for your mental health if you did. Your shoulder was still healing, and you had a severe concussion from bashing your head against the pavement. But most of all, you didn't want to face his wrath; his disappointment. His disappointment in you.

You blink back tears, hugging yourself in attempt for a pathetic comfort. A sob chokes from your throat, body trembling as you caress your arms with your hands in a soothing manner; the way a loved one would in attempt to comfort you- the way your sensei would never comfort you.

"It's okay, you're okay, just breathe. I'm here, I'm here, I know, please. Please, I'm right here-"

You whisper to yourself, trying to comfort the little child inside of you as you rock back and forth, the night sky watching you as the moon shines, as if watching over you, making sure you know that you're not alone.

The sobbing only becomes harder, your body shaking in an attempt to breathe and calm down. It was all too familiar. Wasn't it supposed to get better? Wasn't it supposed to be different this time? Weren't you supposed to no longer feel like a fucking outsider?

You exhale shakily, leaning your head back as your throat burns. Tears slide down your cheeks, and your eyes open slightly. The stars are practically shining across the sky, and you take a moment to admire them and move past your grief. If you died, would you be able to become one of them?

Your phone chimes, and you glance down, seeing your screen pop open. It's Principal Nezu, replying to your message and asking what your reasons are for leaving. You sigh, wiping your face as you grab your phone and start to type.

Principal Nezu:

Hello, L/n. Before I approve your request, I would like to make sure that it is not due to the mental or physical struggles of the war. We would gladly appoint professional help and assign a trusted adult to help you if you are in need.

Your eyes squint at the screen, heart turning numb as you move your fingers to reply.

You:

Hello, Principal Nezu! No, I am not struggling at all, I just don't believe that I will be able to continue going to UA because of my lack of progress. I don't want to tarnish the school's reputation, so I would like to take my leave if that is alright. And don't worry! I just believe that after the war, my perspective has changed, and I believe that I can succeed in a different path than the hero course.

Polite, cheery, believable. That was all you need as you thankfully got his approval without him questioning any more.

Principal Nezu:

Well, alright. It does sadden me to see you leave the school, but I shall let Aizawa Sensei know about your departure and your reasoning.

Your eyes widen in panic, quickly typing as you hope it won't be too late.

You:

Oh, and one more thing! I hope it isn't too much, but please don't tell Aizawa about it. I know he has a lot on his plate and I believe it would be best if it wasn't announced.

Nezu agreed to your request, leaving you feeling relieved that it is almost over. The hard part was getting your stuff out of your dorm room without having to confront everyone. It's not like they would care, anyway. Most of the class ignored you whenever you weren't giving a helping hand.

Damn, were you just something they used whenever they needed?

Notifications start to buzz in your phone, yet you don't bother to answer them. Tomorrow's the weekend, which means that you can go home and be with your mother.

Fuck, did you miss home.

Your eyes drift upward, gazing at the sky as you sigh. It hurt. It fucking hurt to leave and have a small part of you hope that someone will notice, someone like him.

You rub your forehead, trying to ignore the heartache in your chest. He doesn't care, and maybe that's for the best. You exhale, the weight lifting off of your shoulders but still leaving you crushed.

The stars shine above you, and the moon illuminates the night sky peacefully. You look up, eyes puffy and throat tight, but you know you'll be alright. You think about all of the things that have happened in the past year, and how much things have changed. Was it all going to be worth it? What would your classmates think of your departure? Would Shouto care? How would your sensei react?

You chuckle, swaying your legs back and forth as you breathe. This was basically like disowning yourself from your teacher who you wished was your father figure. A one-sided, parental figure-child relationship?

You scrunch your nose at the thought, deciding that you would think more about the title of your issues later.

A/n: hiii!! Part one is finally finished! And I know there was a lot to unravel in this part, and I hope it wasn't too much! Hopefully, you guys like this, and the next one is going to focus on Aizawa's pov so things are gonna start getting angsty? I'll figure it out, lol. :)

#dadzawa #dadzawa x reader #shouta aizawa x reader #gn reader #i love nirvana #mha fanfiction #aizawa x daughter reader #bnha shouta aizawa #bnha #i know this might be too much but i was listening to angsty music and then i was thinking about my daddy issues and i wanted to write smth #nirvana is an amazing motivation for writing angst #dad aizawa #dadzawa would heal me #but he would also completely destroy me and make me wanna cry

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