#defying expectations and perceptions placed on them

[duefault]

@aendeious cont from here

plainly;  no.  zenin-san  was  well-know.  a  facsimile  of  herself,  created  from  the  minds  of  others  and  projected  onto  her.  what  they  knew  was  hearsay,  forged  from  idle-chatter  with  each  placing  their  own  signature  spin  on  her  story.  she  was  the  girl  who  spurned  her  father.  abandoned  her  sister.  spoiled.  arrogant.  ungrateful.  yes.  zenin-san  was  well  known.  but  who  could  say  they  knew  maki  ?  few  had  come  to  hear  the  story  from  the  author  herself. 

in  spite  of  it  all,  though,  she'd  be  the  one  write  the  final  epilogue.  even  if  she  had  to  do  so  in  the  margins,  where  only  she  would  see  how  the  story  ended.  she'd  make  sure  her  story  was  written  on  her  terms,  and  not  through  the  half-truths  and  gossiping  of  others. 

"  no.  but  they  will.  "  she  answered,  triumphal  in  tone.  there  was  nothing  she  was  more  sure  of.  they  would  forget  zenin-san;  a  prior  self  which  would  pale  in  comparison  to  the  light  of  her  truth.  when  they  knew  maki,  as  she  saw  herself,  there  would  be  no  other  way  to  perceive  her.  she'd  make  it  utterly  impossible — a smirk  sprung  forth,  eyes  glanced  the  other.  "  who  knows.  maybe  you'll  be  the  first  to  know,  if  we  keep  running  into  each  other  like  this. "

[tulipatheticee]

Hi! I had an idea of Eloise x fem reader, reader being Queen Charlotte’s daughter. They get caught together, and readers mother suggests marriage. With that Eloise and reader start the acceptance of the same sex love/marriage.

love story e.b

eloise bridgerton x queen charlottes daughter! reader

synopsis; In the heart of Regency London, Princess Y/N, daughter of Queen Charlotte, and Eloise Bridgerton find themselves entangled in a clandestine romance amidst the glittering balls and gossip of high society. Their love defies conventions and faces scrutiny, ultimately prompting Queen Charlotte to propose a marriage that could change society's perception of same-sex love forever.

word count; 5.3k

master list

a/n; i went a little ham on this one, i was not joking when i said wlw unlocks something inside of me

as always, kinda proof read, kinda not :p

So I sneak out to the garden to see you

We keep quiet, 'cause we're dead if they knew

So close your eyes

Escape this town for a little while, oh oh

In the bustling midst of London’s social season, Queen Charlotte's daughter, Princess y/n, found herself at the centre of attention. Raised amidst the pomp and protocol of high society, she was no stranger to the expectations placed upon her. Attending debutante events was simply another facet of her role as the queen's daughter—a duty performed with grace and an impeccably polished facade.

It was at one such event, a gathering of debutantes adorned in their finest, where y/n first noticed her. Eloise Bridgerton, amidst the sea of hopefuls vying for attention, stood out not just for her striking beauty but for an air of defiance that seemed to hover around her like an invisible shield. Eloise, with her quick wit and sharp tongue, had garnered a reputation as the most outspoken and unconventional of the Bridgerton siblings—a title she wore proudly, much to her mother Violet's simultaneous exasperation and admiration.

From across the room, y/n observed as Eloise engaged in animated conversation with other debutantes. There was a sparkle in her eye and a hint of mischief in her smile that drew y/n's attention irresistibly. Eloise's laughter, free and unbridled, cut through the polite chatter of the event like a breath of fresh air in a stuffy room. For a moment, y/n found herself captivated, her gaze lingering longer than was strictly polite.

Meanwhile, Eloise, amidst the whirl of introductions and compliments, couldn't help but notice the queen's daughter. Elegant and composed, y/n exuded a quiet confidence that commanded attention without demanding it. Unlike the other debutantes who fluttered around Eloise, y/n stood apart, observing with an intensity that hinted at a keen intellect beneath her composed exterior.

Their eyes met briefly across the room—a fleeting moment charged with unspoken curiosity and intrigue. It was a simple exchange, unnoticed by the swirling crowd around them but leaving an indelible impression on both Eloise and y/n. In that brief encounter, something stirred, a silent recognition that hinted at possibilities yet unexplored.

The grand presentation at the Palace was a spectacle to behold. The ballroom was adorned with glittering chandeliers and opulent decorations, filled with the crème de la crème of London society. Eloise stood in line, fidgeting with her gloves as she prepared to be introduced. Her mother gave her a reassuring smile.

“Stand tall, Eloise,” Violet whispered. “This is your moment.”

As Eloise stepped forward, she caught a clearer sight of Princess Y/N, standing beside her mother. Their eyes met once again across the room, and for a moment, the world seemed to stop. Y/N’s gaze was warm and inviting, a stark contrast to the intimidating grandeur of the palace. Eloise felt an inexplicable pull towards her, something she couldn’t quite understand.

Just as Eloise was about to be presented, the attention of the room shifted abruptly. The queens guards charging through the doors, whispers of “Lady Whistledown '' spread like wildfire, next thing you know, the queen is declaring she's seen enough and everyone is dismissed and Eloise found herself relieved of the spotlight as gossip overtook the ceremony. The mysterious writer had once again stolen the show, and Eloise couldn’t help but feel a sense of gratitude for the diversion.

'Cause you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter

And my daddy said, "Stay away from Juliet"

But you were everything to me

I was beggin' you, "Please don't go, " and I said

The opulent ballroom of Lady Danbury's estate shimmered with the flicker of candlelight and the murmur of polite conversation. Eloise Bridgerton, dressed in an exquisite gown of deep emerald silk that Lady Danbury had insisted upon, moved gracefully amidst the crowd, her gaze sweeping over the assembly of London's elite.

The event was a dazzling affair, attended by the highest echelons of society, each guest meticulously adorned in their finest attire. Yet amidst the glittering array of guests, Eloise's eyes sought out a familiar figure—Princess y/n, who stood with Queen Charlotte, radiating an air of quiet elegance that set her apart from the throng of debutantes.

Eloise couldn't deny the flutter of anticipation in her chest as she made her way towards y/n, navigating the maze of guests with practiced ease. Her heart raced with a mixture of nerves and excitement, unsure of how their conversation at Queen Charlotte's debutante event would influence their interaction tonight.

Meanwhile, y/n observed the revelry with a regal composure, her gaze occasionally drifting towards Eloise amidst the swirl of dancers and the lilting strains of the orchestra. The princess was acutely aware of the scrutiny she faced as Queen Charlotte’s daughter—the expectations of duty and decorum that shadowed her every move. Yet amidst the splendour of the ballroom, y/n found herself drawn to Eloise’s spirited presence and unguarded authenticity. 

Violet Bridgerton, determined to secure another diamond among her brood, guided Eloise through the throng of guests towards the queen and y/n. Eloise, begrudgingly adorned in an elegant gown befitting her station, maintained a facade of polite disinterest as Violet introduced her to the queen and her daughter.

"Your Majestys, may I present my daughter, Eloise Bridgerton," Violet announced with practised grace.

Y/n, acknowledging the introduction with a nod, offered a polite smile that barely concealed her curiosity. "A pleasure to meet you, Miss Bridgerton," she greeted eloquently, her voice carrying a warmth that belied her royal stature.

Eloise, though outwardly composed, felt a rush of nerves mingled with an unexpected flutter of excitement. She had anticipated the formality of the introduction, yet y/n's presence seemed to alter the air around her, making her acutely aware of every gesture and fleeting expression.

"Likewise, Your Highness," Eloise replied with a hint of her trademark wit, a small smirk playing at the corner of her lips. "Though I must admit, I am more accustomed to lively debates than royal audiences."

Y/n's smile widened subtly, a glint of amusement in her eyes. "I look forward to those debates, Miss Bridgerton," she replied in kind, a gentle challenge underlying her words.

The exchange, though brief, left an impression on both women. For Eloise, accustomed to the constraints of societal expectations, y/n represented a refreshing departure—an enigma wrapped in regal poise and quiet strength. And for y/n, intrigued by Eloise's spirited demeanor and quick intellect, the encounter ignited a curiosity that lingered long after the ball had ended.

Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone

I'll be waiting, all there's left to do is run

You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess

It's a love story, baby, just say, "Yes"

As the evening progressed, Eloise and y/n’s paths collided again near the elaborate dessert table adorned with crystal bowls of sugared fruits and delicate pastries. Eloise, emboldened by Lady Danbury’s encouraging nod from across the room, approached y/n with a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes, nerves tingling beneath her skin.

“Your Highness,” Eloise greeted warmly, her voice betraying a hint of nervousness despite her best efforts to appear composed.

y/n turned towards Eloise with a gracious smile, her eyes alight with genuine interest. “Miss Bridgerton,” y/n replied with a nod of acknowledgment, noting the subtle tension in Eloise’s stance.

Their conversation flowed with the ease of familiarity yet tinged with the underlying currents of unspoken desire and mutual intrigue. They exchanged pleasantries about the music, the decorations, and the latest society gossip, each word carrying a weight of unspoken meaning that hung between them like an invisible thread.

Eloise, ever the conversationalist, couldn’t resist steering the discussion towards a topic that had intrigued her since their first meeting. “Your Highness, I must admit, I found your observations on the latest literary sensation quite captivating,” she remarked, her tone light yet tinged with curiosity.

y/n chuckled softly, appreciating Eloise’s intellect and the genuine interest she showed in their previous conversation. “Ah, but Miss Bridgerton, I fear my views on literature may not always align with conventional wisdom,” y/n replied with a playful glint in her eyes.

Eloise leaned in slightly, her gaze locking with y/n’s in a moment of shared understanding. “Isn’t that the beauty of literature, Your Highness? It allows us to explore different perspectives and challenge our own beliefs,” she countered, her voice laced with a mixture of admiration and genuine curiosity.

Their banter continued late into the night, punctuated by shared laughter and stolen glances that hinted at a connection deeper than mere friendship. For Eloise, y/n represented a kindred spirit—a beacon of hope amidst the rigid expectations of London society. She found herself drawn to y/n’s quiet strength and unwavering authenticity, traits that resonated deeply with Eloise’s own aspirations and struggles.

In those stolen moments between dances, y/n found herself captivated by Eloise’s infectious enthusiasm and fierce determination. She admired Eloise’s courage to challenge societal norms and speak her mind, qualities that set her apart from the polished facades of London’s debutantes.

As the evening drew to a close, Eloise reluctantly bid y/n farewell with a promise to meet again soon. Their parting left y/n with a lingering warmth in her heart—a feeling that defied the constraints of duty and hinted at the possibility of something more.

Romeo, save me, they're tryna tell me how to feel

This love is difficult, but it's real

Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess

It's a love story, baby, just say, "Yes"

Eloise and y/n found themselves entangled in a web of conflicting emotions and societal expectations. Despite the undeniable chemistry that sparked between them at Lady Danbury's grand ball, both struggled to come to terms with their growing attraction.

In the days that followed the ball, Eloise couldn't shake the memory of y/n's enchanting smile and the way her eyes lit up with intelligence and charm. She found herself stealing glances at y/n across crowded ballrooms, each stolen glance fueling a mix of excitement and apprehension.

Meanwhile, y/n wrestled with her own tumultuous emotions. As Queen Charlotte's daughter, she was keenly aware of the scrutiny her actions faced. The prospect of scandal and disgrace haunted her thoughts, casting a shadow over her budding friendship with Eloise.

Their paths crossed again at another glittering social event, where Violet Bridgerton, ever the matchmaker, introduced Eloise to y/n in hopes of sparking a connection. Eloise's heart raced as she exchanged pleasantries with y/n, their conversation laced with a subtle undercurrent of tension and curiosity.

Later that evening, as they found themselves alone in a quiet corner of the ballroom, y/n couldn't help but voice her uncertainties. "Miss Bridgerton, do you ever feel... conflicted?" she asked tentatively, her voice betraying a hint of vulnerability.

Eloise hesitated, her mind racing with unspoken thoughts. "I... I suppose I do," she admitted softly, her gaze searching y/n's face for any sign of understanding. "This world we live in—it's so... unforgiving."

y/n nodded in silent agreement, her fingers nervously toying with the fabric of her gown. "Sometimes I wonder if... if we're meant to feel this way," she confessed, her voice barely above a whisper.

Eloise reached out, her touch gentle yet reassuring. "I don't have all the answers, Princess," she admitted, her voice tinged with uncertainty. "But I know that when I'm with you, everything feels... different."

Their conversation was interrupted by the arrival of Lady Danbury, who swept y/n away to greet other guests. Eloise watched as Lady Danbury whisked y/n away, her heart sinking with each step that carried them farther apart. Alone in the bustling ballroom, she found herself drawn to a quiet alcove, seeking refuge from the swirl of conversations and glittering chandeliers.

Leaning against a draped curtain, Eloise closed her eyes and let out a quiet sigh. Thoughts of y/n consumed her mind, their unfinished conversation lingering like an unspoken promise in the air.

She traced the intricate pattern of her gown absentmindedly, her thoughts drifting back to y/n's earnest question. Do you ever feel... conflicted? And back to her own comment before the conversation ended, when I'm with you, everything feels... different. How would y/n have responded to that? Did she feel the same way, or was Eloise's heart leading her down a path fraught with uncertainty?

The memory of y/n's smile flickered in her mind—the way it lit up the room, reaching out to Eloise like a beacon in the darkness of societal expectations. They had danced around the edges of something profound, something that could alter the course of their lives forever.

Lost in her reverie, Eloise was startled by the sound of approaching footsteps. She turned to find Benedict Bridgerton, his expression a mix of concern and curiosity. "Sister, are you all right?" he asked gently, his voice breaking through her thoughts.

Eloise managed a faint smile, though her heart still raced with unanswered questions. "I'm fine, Benedict," she replied, her voice tinged with a hint of melancholy. "Just... lost in thought."

Benedict studied her for a moment, his gaze searching. "Is it about the Princess?" he ventured cautiously, knowing his sister well enough to sense when something weighed heavily on her mind.

Eloise nodded slowly, unable to suppress a sigh. "Yes," she admitted quietly. "We were... talking. About feelings, I suppose."

Benedict arched an eyebrow, his curiosity piqued. "Feelings?" he echoed, prompting Eloise to elaborate.

"I told her... how I feel when I'm with her," Eloise confessed, her voice barely above a whisper. "But then Lady Danbury interrupted us, and I never got to find out how she feels."

Understanding dawned in Benedict's eyes as he took in Eloise's words. He reached out, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. "Eloise, you know what they say about the young Princess," he said gently. "She's smart, perceptive. She'll understand."

Eloise managed a weak smile, grateful for her brother's reassurance. "I hope so," she murmured, her thoughts still lingering on y/n's last words to her.

As the ballroom bustled around them, Benedict offered his arm to Eloise. "Shall we join the others?" he suggested, his tone lightening with an attempt to lift her spirits.

Eloise nodded, drawing a deep breath to steady herself. "Yes, let's," she agreed, linking her arm with Benedict's. Together, they returned to the lively gathering, though Eloise's thoughts remained with y/n��wondering, hoping, and silently yearning for their next conversation.

I got tired of waiting

Wondering' if you were ever comin' around

My faith in you was fading

When I met you on the outskirts of town, and I said

Days passed after the interrupted conversation at Lady Danbury's ball, each one stretching with anticipation and uncertainty for Eloise. She found herself eagerly attending every social event in hopes of catching another glimpse of y/n, her heart skipping a beat whenever their paths crossed across the crowded rooms.

It was at a smaller, more intimate gathering hosted by the Featheringtons that Eloise finally saw y/n again. The evening was alive with music and laughter, the air fragrant with the scent of gardenias and the promise of summer.

Eloise stood near the refreshment table, feigning interest in the punch bowl as she discreetly watched y/n across the room. y/n was engaged in conversation with Dowager Violet Bridgerton, their laughter mingling with the tinkling of crystal glasses.

Summoning her courage, Eloise took a deep breath and approached them. "Excuse me, Mama,  may I steal the Princess away for a moment?" she asked politely, her voice betraying none of the nervousness fluttering in her chest.

Violets eyes flickered mischievously as she glanced knowingly between Eloise and y/n. "Of course, Eloise," she replied with a knowing smile. "Take her—though I warn you, Her Royal Highness has been entertaining us all evening with her wit."

Eloise felt a rush of relief and gratitude towards her mother as y/n turned towards her, her expression lighting up with surprise and delight. "Miss Bridgerton," y/n greeted warmly, setting down her glass to face her fully. "I didn't expect to see you here tonight."

Eloise swallowed nervously, suddenly feeling the weight of her confession at Lady Danbury's ball. But still she continued to escort the Princess through the crowd until they were outside in the garden, under the nights sky, completely alone.

 "I wanted to apologise for our conversation being cut short," she began earnestly, meeting y/n's gaze with sincerity. "I... I meant what I said. About how I feel when I'm with you."

y/n's smile softened, her eyes holding a hint of something that made Eloise's heart skip a beat. "Miss Bridgerton,,," y/n replied softly, her voice barely above a whisper amidst the lively chatter around them. "I've been thinking about that conversation too."

Relief flooded through Eloise as she took a step closer to y/n, their proximity sparking a warmth that spread through her veins. "Really?" she asked, unable to contain the hope in her voice.

y/n nodded, her expression gentle yet filled with a quiet intensity that mirrored Eloise's own feelings. "Yes, really," she confirmed, her hand reaching out to gently touch Eloise's arm. "I didn't get to answer then, but... I feel something too."

Eloise's heart soared at y/n's words, her fears and uncertainties momentarily forgotten in the rush of emotions. "I'm glad," she murmured softly, her gaze locked with y/n's. "I wasn't sure how you'd feel, or... if we could even..."

Before she could finish, y/n leaned in closer, her lips brushing against Eloise's cheek in a tender gesture that sent a shiver down Eloise's spine. "I want to find out," y/n whispered, her breath warm against Eloise's ear. "If we could be something more."

Eloise's breath caught in her throat as she gazed into y/n's eyes, seeing her own hopes reflected back at her. Without hesitation, she reached up to cup y/n's cheek, her thumb caressing the soft skin beneath her touch. "I want that too, Your Highness" Eloise admitted softly, her voice filled with newfound courage and longing.

Y/N smilied, her eyes lighting up. “Please, call me Y/N. Titles are so tiresome, don’t you think?”

Eloise laughed softly. “Very much so. I find this entire season tiresome.”

In that stolen moment amidst the music and the soft glow of candlelight, Eloise and y/n leaned closer together, their lips meeting in a gentle kiss that spoke volumes of unspoken promises and the beginning of a love that dared to defy convention.

As they pulled away, breathless and smiling, Eloise felt a weight lift from her shoulders. Here, in the embrace of y/n's presence, she found not only acceptance but also the beginning of a journey she never dared to imagine—a journey of love, bravery, and the courage to be true to oneself.

They walked together in the garden, the conversation flowing easily. Eloise was captivated by Y/N’s intelligence and wit, and Y/N found Eloise’s rebellious spirit refreshing. As days turned into weeks, their friendship deepened, but so did the confusion. Can this go on forever?

Romeo, save me, I've been feeling so alone

I keep waiting for you, but you never come

Is this in my head? I don't know what to think

The sun hung low in the sky, casting a warm golden glow over the gardens of Bridgerton House. Eloise and y/n sat side by side on the swings, their feet lightly touching the ground, pushing back and forth in a gentle rhythm. The air was filled with the scent of blooming roses and the distant hum of London’s bustle, now just a distant murmur.

"I never imagined finding such peace in the heart of London," y/n remarked softly, her voice barely above a whisper as she swayed back and forth. Her eyes wandered over the garden, where vibrant blooms danced in the gentle breeze, their colours vivid against the backdrop of the setting sun.

Eloise, her legs stretched out in front of her, kicked lightly against the earth to keep the swing moving. "It's my favourite place to escape," she said, a small smile playing on her lips as she glanced at y/n. "Thank you for visiting me here."

Y/n turned to Eloise, her gaze filled with an unspoken tenderness. "I wouldn't want to be anywhere else," she replied, her voice filled with sincerity. She reached out, her hand finding Eloise’s, their fingers intertwining effortlessly. The simple touch sent a jolt of warmth through them, grounding them in their shared moment.

A comfortable silence settled over them, the only sounds the creak of the swings and the rustling of leaves in the gentle breeze. Eloise closed her eyes for a moment, savouring the serenity of the garden and the presence of y/n beside her.

"Do you ever wonder what the future holds for us?" y/n asked softly, her voice filled with curiosity as she turned to Eloise, who was still lost in the quiet of the moment.

Eloise opened her eyes, her gaze drifting towards the horizon where the sun was painting the sky in hues of pink and gold. "I used to worry about it," she admitted, her fingers absently tracing patterns on y/n’s palm. "But now... I like to think that as long as we're together, we can face anything."

Y/n's smile was gentle, her eyes reflecting the twilight’s colours as she leaned her head against Eloise’s shoulder. "I believe that too," she murmured, her voice steady with a quiet confidence. "We'll navigate this world together, Eloise."

In the tranquil embrace of Bridgerton House's garden, surrounded by the beauty of nature and the blossoming love between them, Eloise and y/n found solace in each other’s company. The swings moved back and forth, a gentle testament to their growing bond, anchoring them in a love that defied expectations and embraced the courage to live authentically.

He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring

And said, "Marry me, Juliet

You'll never have to be alone

One afternoon in the opulent drawing room of the palace, y/n sat with Eloise, their conversation light and filled with quiet laughter. The warmth of the fire crackled in the background, casting flickering shadows on the richly adorned walls. Y/n leaned close to Eloise, sharing a private moment, both girls peppering kisses over each other's faces, enjoying the feeling of being in each other's embraces. 

Unbeknownst to them, Queen Charlotte had returned earlier than expected, her steps muffled by the thick carpet. She paused in the doorway, her sharp eyes catching the intimate exchange between y/n and Eloise. For a moment, she simply observed, her mind racing with the implications.

"Miss Bridgerton!" Queen Charlotte's voice cut through the air, startling both young women. Eloise turned pale, her heart sinking as she realised they had been caught. Y/n sat frozen, her eyes wide with apprehension.

"Mother," y/n stammered, attempting to gather her thoughts. "I can explain—"

Queen Charlotte held up a hand, her expression unreadable. "There is no need for explanations, my dear. It seems the situation has clarified itself." She stepped further into the room, her gaze shifting between y/n and Eloise.

Eloise stood, her nerves taut with uncertainty. "Your Majesty, please understand—"

"I understand more than you might realise," Queen Charlotte interrupted gently, her tone softening slightly. She approached Eloise, studying her with a discerning eye. "Miss Bridgerton, do you care for my daughter?"

Eloise swallowed hard, meeting Queen Charlotte's gaze squarely. "Yes, Your Majesty," she admitted, her voice steady despite her nerves.

"And you, y/n?" Queen Charlotte turned to her daughter, her expression softening. "How do you feel about Miss Bridgerton?"

Eloise hesitated for a moment, then took a deep breath. "Mother, I... I care for Eloise deeply. More than I ever thought possible."

Queen Charlotte nodded, her features reflecting a mix of concern and contemplation. "Love comes in many forms," she said finally, her voice carrying wisdom earned through years of navigating societal expectations. "It is clear to me that your feelings are genuine."

Eloise blinked back tears, overwhelmed by her mother's unexpected understanding. Y/n reached out, gently squeezing Eloise's hand in silent support.

“But regardless, you both are participating in acts only those who are married should be. I will not accept a scandal.”

"Mama, what should we do? We can’t imagine life apart!" y/n asked, her voice tinged with hope and apprehension.

Queen Charlotte smiled softly, a glimmer of amusement in her eyes. "Perhaps it is time we consider a different kind of arrangement," she mused, her mind already formulating a plan. "One that will allow you both to live authentically, without the confines of societal scandals, the only right choice in these conditions." She paused (dramatic effect no?)

“Marriage.”

And so, in that serene drawing room of the palace, a new chapter began for y/n and Eloise—a chapter marked by acceptance, love, and the courage to challenge tradition.

I love you and that's all I really know

I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress

It's a love story, baby, just say, "Yes"

In the warm, inviting drawing room of Bridgerton House, Eloise nervously clasped y/n's hand. The flickering candlelight cast dancing shadows on the walls, adding an air of solemnity to the moment. Around them, the Bridgertons—Anthony, Benedict, Colin, Daphne, and the younger siblings—gathered, curiosity etched on their faces.

Eloise took a deep breath, her heart racing with a mix of excitement and apprehension. "I... We have something to share," she began, her voice steady despite the butterflies in her stomach.

Anthony, ever the observant eldest brother, arched an eyebrow. "Go on, Eloise. What is it?"

Eloise glanced at y/n, drawing strength from their presence. "y/n and I... We've decided to take a step forward together. We're engaged."

There was a collective gasp of surprise from her family. Daphne's eyes widened, her hand instinctively reaching for Benedict's. Benedict leaned back in his chair, a grin spreading across his face. Colin adjusted himself, trying to process the unexpected news.

With the initial shock beginning to subside, the Bridgertons exchanged bewildered glances, each processing the news in their own way.

"Wait, you two are... engaged?" Colin asked, his voice filled with surprise.

Daphne, recovering from her initial shock, spoke gently. "But... how? I mean, are you even allowed to... marry?"

Eloise smiled, a touch of defiance in her eyes. "Yes, Daphne. Queen Charlotte herself has given us her blessing."

Colin, adjusting to the news, nodded thoughtfully. "I see. It's certainly unconventional, but if Her Majesty approves..."

Anthony, ever the pragmatist, chimed in. "Well, then. It seems we are in uncharted territory, but as long as you're both certain..."

Eloise and y/n exchanged a glance, their bond palpable. "We are," y/n affirmed softly.

"Eloise, are you certain about this?" Francesca asked, her voice tinged with concern.

Eloise nodded, her gaze unwavering. "Yes, Francesca. I've never been more certain about anything in my life."

Benedict, always the voice of reason, spoke up next. "Well, this is quite unexpected, but if it's what makes you both happy..."

Hyacinth interjected, unable to contain her excitement. "Eloise, this is incredible news! I didn't think you'd ever settle down."

Anthony, who had been silently observing, finally spoke. "Eloise, Princess Y/N, if this is your decision, then you have my support. Always."

Eloise squeezed y/n's hand tighter, feeling a wave of relief wash over her. "Thank you, Anthony."

As the evening wore on, the atmosphere shifted from confusion to acceptance. The Bridgertons, while initially taken aback, found themselves embracing Eloise and y/n's decision. It was a moment that marked not only a new chapter in Eloise's life but also a testament to the changing times—a time when love was beginning to transcend boundaries and expectations.

Outside, the bustling city of London continued its rhythmic pulse, unaware of the quiet revolution unfolding within the walls of Bridgerton House—a revolution led by two hearts brave enough to defy convention and choose love, in all its unexpected forms.

'Cause we were both young when I first saw you

Eloise stood by the window of their home, gazing out at the bustling streets of London. It had been nearly a year since their marriage, and the city seemed to hum with a different energy. Change was in the air, and she couldn't help but feel a sense of pride in what she and y/n had accomplished together.

The early morning light filtered through the curtains, casting a soft glow over the room. Beside her, y/n stirred in their sleep, their features softened in the gentle dawn. Eloise smiled fondly, reaching out to brush a lock of hair from y/n's face. They had been through so much together—the secret glances, the stolen kisses, the fear of discovery—and yet, here they were, stronger than ever.

Their marriage had sparked conversations across London society. Some viewed it with curiosity, others with disdain, but Eloise and y/n had found unexpected allies among their peers. Lady Danbury, always a force to be reckoned with, had become a staunch supporter, using her influence to deflect any lingering whispers of scandal.

As Eloise reflected on their journey, she couldn't help but marvel at how far they had come. They had faced challenges and uncertainties, but through it all, their love had remained steadfast. They had created a sanctuary within their home, where they could be themselves without fear of judgement or reprisal.

Outside, the city continued to wake up to a new day. Carriages rumbled past, merchants called out their wares, and London life carried on its bustling rhythm. Eloise turned back to y/n, watching as they stirred awake, their eyes fluttering open to meet hers.

"Good morning," y/n murmured, their voice still laced with sleep.

"Good morning," Eloise replied, leaning in to press a soft kiss to y/n's lips. They shared a quiet moment together, the warmth of their embrace speaking volumes where words fell short.

"I never imagined we'd be here," y/n whispered, their fingers tracing patterns on Eloise's cheek.

"Neither did I," Eloise admitted, her heart swelling with emotion. "But I wouldn't change a thing."

They lay entwined in each other's arms, basking in the simple joy of being together. Outside, the city continued its daily hustle, but in their sanctuary, time seemed to stand still.

In the weeks and months that followed, Eloise and y/n continued to navigate their newfound roles as partners in life and advocates for change. They attended social events hand in hand, their presence a quiet yet powerful statement of love and acceptance. Through their actions, they hoped to pave the way for others who dared to love outside of society's conventions.

Occasionally, they would steal moments alone, away from the prying eyes of society, to remind themselves of the bond they shared. Whether it was a quiet evening at home or a stolen kiss in a secluded corner of a ballroom, every moment together reaffirmed their commitment to each other.

Their love story became a beacon of hope for those who yearned for acceptance and understanding. Slowly but surely, attitudes began to shift. Families whispered their support in drawing rooms, friends offered quiet encouragement over tea, and London society found itself grappling with the idea that love knew no boundaries.

As the years passed, Eloise and y/n's love story continued to unfold, weaving itself into the fabric of London's history. They faced challenges and triumphs together, building a life filled with laughter, companionship, and unwavering devotion.

Eloise often found herself marvelling at the resilience of y/n, their strength and determination a constant source of inspiration. Together, they navigated the complexities of societal expectations and personal desires, forging a path that defied tradition and embraced love in its purest form.

And so, in the quiet moments before dawn, as the city stirred awake outside their window, Eloise held y/n close, knowing that their love had not only changed their lives but had also left an indelible mark on the world around them.

I did not plan the lyrics around an epilogue and ran out HAHA oopsie

a/npt2; AHHH how did you guys feel about this, i tried to mot make it rushed i really wanted to start from the beginging and build their realtionship in a way a oneshot can, ive been considering writing a story once im done with these requests so we can get some better romance building then!!

[blackwidowfeminine]

Lilith Square Ascendant Culture

At its core, Lilith represents the repressed, wild feminine—she embodies themes of exile, rebellion, and unyielding independence. When she forms a square with the Ascendant, the person becomes a living contradiction. Their outward identity is constantly clashing with the darker, primal urges that Lilith governs. This leads to an unsettling aura, often creating tension both within and around the person.

Rejection of Social Norms: Lilith square Ascendant people might feel deeply uncomfortable with the traditional roles imposed on them. They could develop a strong need to rebel against societal expectations, embracing alternative lifestyles, subcultures, or controversial beliefs. Whether this manifests as involvement in fringe movements, or standing up against patriarchal systems, they are often drawn to areas that challenge the status quo.

Dark Feminine Energy: Culturally, Lilith represents the untamed feminine—one that refuses to be subjugated. Individuals with this aspect may carry an aura of defiance, especially in matters of gender roles or sexuality. They may align with feminist or gender-equality movements that push against oppressive structures, or they might explore marginalized sexual identities. They tend to be unapologetic about their desires, even when these clash with what’s deemed socially acceptable.

Conflict in Relationships: In relationships, Lilith square Ascendant can manifest as a constant struggle between attracting attention and feeling misunderstood. Culturally, this could place the person in conflict with family values, romantic partners, or traditional customs. Their relationships may often push against boundaries, involving themes of power, control, and freedom. They may be drawn to unconventional partnerships or feel uncomfortable in relationships that conform to societal expectations.

Shadow Work & Self-Identity: People with this aspect often feel the need to explore the darker sides of their personality or culture, delving into topics that others might shy away from, such as death, sexuality, or taboo subjects. They might be interested in goth or alternative subcultures, fascinated by the macabre or the mystical. They are often seen as cultural outsiders, but they take pride in this role. Rather than seeking approval, they find empowerment in owning their shadow self.

Public Perception vs. Inner Truth: Since the Ascendant governs how you present yourself, those with Lilith square Ascendant might struggle with being misperceived by society. They could be seen as provocative or rebellious even when they don’t intend to be. There’s often a gap between their inner desires (represented by Lilith) and how they are seen by others (Ascendant). This can lead to a sense of alienation, but it also fuels a desire to challenge the way society judges them.

Cultural Influence: These individuals might gravitate toward art, music, or literature that explores themes of rebellion, sexuality, and the human shadow. They could be drawn to punk, goth, or other subcultures that provide an outlet for their need to defy cultural norms. Often, they find their voice through artistic expression, using their discomfort with society as creative fuel. Culturally, they may inspire others to embrace their authenticity, especially when it involves breaking free from restrictive traditions.

Dark Aura and Mysterious Persona: People with Lilith square the Ascendant often project an eerie, magnetic aura that others can’t quite place. There’s something offbeat, almost predatory about their presence—not necessarily violent, but unsettling in its intensity. Whether they intend to or not, they can make others uncomfortable, like the feeling of being watched in the dark by something just outside of view.

Magnetism of the Unknown: There’s an attraction to darkness in both the inner and outer worlds. They may gravitate toward aesthetics that are heavy with shadow and death—perhaps drawn to gothic, occult, or macabre themes. Think of a person who feels more alive in cemeteries, or someone who finds comfort in themes of decay and destruction. This doesn’t necessarily make them sinister, but they carry an energy that makes people instinctively cautious.

Manipulation of Image: The person may use this dark energy as a tool, manipulating how others perceive them by leveraging their unsettling presence. They might enjoy the power that comes from making others feel uneasy, using it to keep people at arm’s length or in a state of intrigue. There is often a flirtation with danger in their relationships with others, a silent challenge for people to get close to them—if they dare.

Sexual Power and Control: Lilith governs raw, untamed sexual energy, and when in conflict with the Ascendant, this energy seeps into the person’s public persona. They may exude a kind of dangerous, seductive quality that feels both alluring and intimidating to those around them. Their sexuality is not passive or soft—it’s something primal, charged with the forbidden.

Seduction as a Weapon: There’s a tendency to view sex as a battleground for power and control. They may be adept at using their sexual presence to manipulate or ensnare others, drawing people in with the promise of pleasure while keeping them trapped in emotional or psychological games. This can create relationships that are intense and obsessive, where power dynamics often play out beneath the surface.

Fascination with Taboo Desires: Lilith square Ascendant can indicate an attraction to the darker side of sexuality—fetishes, BDSM, or themes of dominance and submission. These individuals might either indulge in or repress these desires, leading to internal conflict. Regardless of their actual sexual preferences, there’s an aura of transgression surrounding their relationships, as though they are constantly pushing against the boundaries of what’s socially or morally acceptable.

Haunted by the Shadow Self: Lilith square the Ascendant creates a constant tension between how the person wants to be seen and the shadowy urges that bubble up from the subconscious. There’s often a struggle with their own darker impulses—rage, jealousy, revenge—that they may try to hide but ultimately find impossible to suppress.

Inner Turmoil: This person may feel haunted by their darker desires, wrestling with impulses that go against societal norms or their own conscious values. They might find themselves drawn to destructive behaviors or toxic relationships, as if compelled by forces they can’t fully control. In a sense, they are often their own worst enemy, constantly sabotaging their chances at happiness by giving in to their shadow side.

Fascination with Death and the Macabre: There can be a deep fascination with death, darkness, and the unknown. Whether it’s through art, literature, or personal philosophy, they may explore morbid themes that others find disturbing. For them, the line between life and death is thin, and they might be drawn to concepts like necromancy, ghosts, or the afterlife. The idea of confronting mortality head-on feels strangely comforting, as though the darkness holds more truth than the light.

Power Struggles and Alienation in Social Settings: Lilith square Ascendant makes it difficult for these individuals to fit in with mainstream society. There’s a constant feeling of being "other," as though they are exiles from the normal social order. This can lead to a sense of alienation or loneliness, where they are always on the fringes, either rejected by others or choosing to reject society themselves.

Outcast Persona: These individuals may be drawn to subcultures that embrace darkness and rebellion, such as punk, goth, or occult communities. They seek spaces where they can explore the depths of human experience without judgment. However, even within these communities, they might struggle to truly belong, as the tension between their shadow self and public persona can create friction. They tend to be outsiders, even among outsiders.

Attracting Conflict: This aspect often brings power struggles into their social lives. They may attract enemies or rivals, as others instinctively sense their refusal to conform to the expected order. This can manifest as bullying in early life, or later, as dramatic feuds and fallouts with friends or colleagues. Their refusal to play by the rules makes them a target for those who feel threatened by their difference.

Exploration of Dark Archetypes: People with Lilith square Ascendant might feel an internal pull toward embodying darker archetypes, such as the witch, the femme fatale, or the tortured artist. These archetypes hold a kind of twisted power, and embodying them feels like a way to claim ownership over their own darkness rather than letting it control them.

Witch Archetype: There’s often a connection to esoteric, forbidden knowledge. They may have an interest in witchcraft, dark magic, or occult practices, seeking to understand the mysteries of the universe through unconventional means. The witch archetype symbolizes both their power and their alienation, as witches in myth are often outcasts who harness their darkness for personal empowerment.

Femme Fatale: For those who lean into their sexuality, the femme fatale archetype is potent. They embrace their ability to mesmerize and manipulate, using it as a form of rebellion against patriarchal structures. However, this power can be double-edged, often leading to destructive relationships or emotional isolation.

[zapreportsblog]

Hello hope your doing well would like to make a request for poly volturi king/fem reader (human) she’s an exotic dancer and her uni que form of dancin always causes a form of hypnosis and euforia in people. Since she’s so good she been talked about all around voltera. So much so that even vampire got curious and checked her out. One night the kings decide to go and see what the did is about . Let just say they are impressed. Marcus also happens to tell them we jus found our mate how serendipitous. The leave that night shook and satisfied also happy her dancing is exquisite. Fem reader is different when she’s dancing she gets more confident but once she’s out of that place she back to her slightly insecure self . Her last boyfriend really took a toll on her since he. Constantly criticizing her figure and was not supporting her dancing for him it felt almost like she like to get looked at by men. When in reality she danced for everyone. She wanted people to be happy when they watch her and she’s loved music she dances to ever genre but loaves rock. One day one of the clients after she’s dancing was over get to hands and tries to follow her home the man does not have good intentions ( if you feel uncomfortable writting SA you can think of another reason ) the volturi where also there and saw the man and have been watching all her dancing ever since they found she was their mate so the three kings where around figuring out away to tell herZ they see this fool going to try and do something and immediately save her. She was beat up . The kings where furious 😡 he definitely fucked up didn’t end well for him. After the rescue her they present themselves to her. Needless to say they are shook when she basically accepts what they are she pretty open minded about thing there’s a lot of things that happen in this world that cannot be explained so she expect that other creatures could exist she’s fascinated. Agreed to get to know them and move in with them she’s is really attacked to them even though she’s scared because her last relationship was a disaster she could not let her fear sabotage what could be a good relationship with the kings.. she gives herself a chance to be happy. Weeks pas and everyone loved and accepted her as queen. She even helps out and love to sit on the kind laps when they do their trials.🥰

Holy shit you definitely was detailed 😩

❝the enchanting dance❞

✭ pairing : volturi kings x reader

✭ fandom : twilight

✭ summary : (y/n) is a dancer and her performances just so happen to catch the attention of some unexpected guests in the crowd, from then on her fate is sealed

✭ twilight masterlist

In the heart of Volterra, a city cloaked in shadows and secrets, there was a legend that danced through the narrow cobblestone streets. (Y/N), a street dancer unlike any other, was the talk of the town. Her unique form of dance had a mesmerizing quality that seemed to cast a spell on anyone who watched.

She moved with a grace and precision that defied human limitations. Her body seemed to flow like liquid fire, and her movements were a hypnotic symphony of rhythm and grace. When she danced, a euphoria washed over the crowd, leaving them spellbound and entranced.

The rumors about (Y/N) had spread far and wide, reaching even the ears of the Volturi, the ancient vampire royalty who ruled over Volterra with an iron fist. Intrigued by the whispers of her bewitching performances, the three Volturi kings decided to venture out one fateful night to witness the phenomenon for themselves.

Aro, the charismatic leader of the Volturi, Marcus, the stoic and perceptive one, and Caius, the ruthless enforcer, made their way to the heart of Volterra under the cover of darkness. They arrived at the bustling square where (Y/N) was known to perform, blending in seamlessly with the crowd.

As (Y/N) took her place in the center of the square, the night seemed to hold its breath in anticipation. Her movements began slowly, as if she were weaving a tapestry of magic with her body. Her lithe form twisted and turned, her feet barely touching the ground.

The crowd watched in awe as (Y/N) danced. Her every step was a spell, her every gesture a hypnotic incantation. The euphoria she emanated washed over them like a gentle wave, and they couldn't tear their eyes away from her.

Aro, his eyes wide with fascination, turned to his fellow kings. "Remarkable," he murmured, his voice filled with wonder. "I've never seen anything quite like this."

Caius, who was rarely moved by anything, found himself entranced by (Y/N)'s dance. "She possesses a rare gift," he admitted, his gaze fixed on her with an intensity he reserved for the most captivating of prey.

But it was Marcus, the most reserved of the trio, who felt the deepest connection to the enchanting dancer. As he watched (Y/N) move, a sense of serendipity washed over him, a feeling that he couldn't ignore.

"We've just found our mate," Marcus whispered, his voice barely audible above the music and the crowd's collective euphoria.

Aro and Caius turned to Marcus, surprised by his words. But when they looked back at (Y/N), they couldn't deny the truth in his statement. The bond that had formed between them, forged in the midst of (Y/N)'s hypnotic dance, was undeniable.

As the crowd erupted in applause, (Y/N) finished her performance with a final, breathtaking flourish. She stepped out of the spotlight, her chest heaving with exertion, and looked out into the night, where the three Volturi kings stood waiting.

Little did she know that her life was about to take a mesmerizing and perilous turn, as she became entangled in the world of vampires and the ancient power of the Volturi.

As (Y/N)'s dance came to a breathtaking end, the crowd erupted in applause, showering her with adoration and admiration. Her unique form of expression had left everyone spellbound, including the three Volturi kings who had ventured out to witness her performance.

Aro, Caius, and Marcus stepped out of the crowd and into the shadows, their minds still reeling from the euphoria they had experienced. They found themselves in a rare state of satisfaction, each one profoundly moved by (Y/N)'s mesmerizing dance.

"That was... exquisite," Aro mused, his eyes reflecting the brilliance of the performance. "I've seen many things in my long existence, but nothing quite like this."

Caius, a man of few words, nodded in agreement. "She possesses a talent that transcends human limitations," he remarked, still captivated by the memory of (Y/N)'s dance.

It was Marcus, however, who had been the most affected. He had felt a connection to (Y/N) on a level he couldn't explain, a bond that had been forged in the midst of her enchanting performance. He turned to his fellow kings, his expression one of quiet satisfaction.

"Her dance... it awakened something within me," Marcus confessed, his words filled with a rare vulnerability. "I believe we've found something truly remarkable tonight."

As they made their way back to the dark recesses of Volterra, the Volturi kings couldn't shake the feeling that (Y/N) had become a pivotal part of their lives. Her dance had left an indelible mark on their immortal souls, and they were eager to learn more about the enigmatic dancer.

Unbeknownst to them, (Y/N) had returned to her life outside of the square, her confidence waning with every step she took away from the spotlight. The cheers and applause still echoed in her ears, but the harsh memories of her past relationship lingered in her mind.

Her ex-boyfriend's cruel words had left scars on her self-esteem, making her doubt her worth and her talent. He had misunderstood her love for dance, thinking it was merely a means to gain attention from men. In reality, (Y/N) danced to bring joy and happiness to all who watched, and she cherished every genre, but rock held a special place in her heart.

That night, as (Y/N) returned to her modest apartment, she couldn't help but feel the weight of her insecurities and past heartaches. Little did she know that her world was about to be transformed, as the Volturi kings, captivated by her extraordinary talent and beauty, began to make plans to see her again, to unravel the mystery of the mesmerizing dancer who had stolen their immortal hearts.

The night was dark and moonless as (Y/N) left the dimly lit club where she had just finished her mesmerizing dance. The euphoria of her performance had faded, and she had returned to her usual state of insecurity. As she walked through the shadowy streets, the echoes of her ex-boyfriend's harsh criticisms haunted her.

‘Not only are you dancing for men on the streets but now you’re dancing for men in clubs. God you’re such a whore.’

Unbeknownst to her, one of the clients from the club, a man with sinister intentions, had followed her discreetly. His predatory gaze never wavered as he trailed behind her, fueled by malicious desires.

Meanwhile, the Volturi kings, who had been watching her performances from the shadows, were well aware of the dangers that lurked in the night. Their bond with (Y/N) had grown stronger with each passing day, and they had been silently discussing how to approach her and reveal their true nature.

As (Y/N) turned down a dimly lit alleyway, the malicious intentions of her pursuer became all too apparent. The man lunged at her, his intentions clear. Fear surged through her veins as she struggled to fend off her attacker, her strength no match for his brutal force.

But just as hope seemed to wane, a sudden burst of movement from the shadows caught the man's attention. He barely had time to react before three imposing figures emerged, their eyes glinting with an otherworldly glow.

The Volturi kings, Aro, Caius, and Marcus, had been watching, waiting for the perfect moment to reveal themselves to (Y/N). And this was the moment they had been waiting for, a moment that would forever change the course of their lives.

In a blur of supernatural speed and strength, the Volturi kings subdued the attacker, rescuing (Y/N) from harm. Her heart pounded in her chest as she watched them in a mix of shock and awe. These mysterious men, who had been a presence in the shadows, had come to her aid.

"We mean you no harm, (Y/N)," Aro said, his voice filled with a soothing reassurance. "We've been watching you, captivated by your dance and your spirit."

Caius added, "You are not alone. You have captured our hearts, and we are here to protect you."

But it was Marcus who approached her with a gentleness that touched her soul. He extended his hand to her, his eyes filled with an undeniable connection.

"We've been waiting for the right moment to reveal ourselves," Marcus murmured, his voice laced with sincerity. "You are our mate, (Y/N), and we are bound to you."

As (Y/N) looked into Marcus's eyes, she felt a deep sense of serendipity wash over her. The trauma of her past relationship began to fade, replaced by the newfound sense of belonging and love that these extraordinary men offered.

In that dark alleyway, under the watchful eyes of the Volturi kings, (Y/N) began to realize that her life had taken a remarkable and unexpected turn. She had found not only protection but also a love that transcended time and circumstance, a love that would forever bind her to the mysterious world of vampires and the enigmatic Volturi.

(Y/N) stood in that dimly lit alleyway, surrounded by the enigmatic Volturi kings, her heart racing not just from the recent attack but also from the whirlwind of emotions that had overtaken her. While the idea of vampires and otherworldly creatures was beyond the realm of conventional belief, she was remarkably open-minded, and the evidence before her eyes left little room for skepticism.

Her curiosity had always led her to embrace the unexplained, and the connection she felt with Aro, Caius, and Marcus was undeniable. Their presence had brought a newfound sense of security and belonging into her life, something she had been missing since her disastrous previous relationship.

With a mixture of courage and vulnerability, (Y/N) looked at the Volturi kings and spoke with unwavering determination, "I've always believed that there are things in this world beyond our understanding. And now, standing here with you, I'm willing to accept what I see."

Aro, the charismatic leader, smiled warmly. "Your open-mindedness is a gift, (Y/N), and we are grateful for it."

Caius, the enforcer, nodded in agreement. "You are not just our mate but a rare soul who accepts the extraordinary."

It was Marcus, the most reserved of the trio, who extended his hand to (Y/N) once more. "Come with us, (Y/N), and learn about the world beyond the ordinary. You are meant to be with us."

With those words, (Y/N) took Marcus's hand, sealing her fate and embarking on a new chapter of her life. She moved into the Volturi's grand ancestral home, a place steeped in centuries of history and secrets. The transition was surprisingly smooth, as she embraced her role as queen with grace and curiosity.

Weeks passed, and (Y/N) became an integral part of the Volturi family. Her genuine kindness and inquisitive nature endeared her to the vampires, and she found herself welcomed with open arms. She eagerly participated in their activities, even sitting on the Volturi kings' laps during their trials, providing a comforting presence.

The love that blossomed between (Y/N) and the Volturi kings was like a force of nature, strong and unbreakable. Despite the scars of her past, (Y/N) refused to let fear sabotage her chance at happiness. She had found not just love but also a sense of purpose and belonging among the immortal world of vampires.

In this enchanted world, where darkness and light coexisted, (Y/N) had found her place as queen, a role that allowed her to embrace her love of dance, music, and the extraordinary. As the Volturi's queen, she became a beacon of hope and fascination, a symbol of how love could transcend time and circumstance.

[bleachbleachbleach]

Heyo!

I was just thinking last night about historical swords and I suddenly remembered that German swords historically were extremely regulated, probably in a reasonable attempt to limit the amount of violence. (Places like Japan were notoriously specific on who could be allowed swords, which is what led to the development of samurai culture, but Europe was notoriously... Lax lol.)

So what the commoners of Germany did was forge what were technically giant knives, because they needed to protect themselves on the roads while the nobles had the actual swords. What differentiates an actual sword from a knife was, according to those laws, mostly the hilt.

So the peasants of Germany made these swords with wrapped hilts and beak pommels and one sided blades, often a bit curved.

Now how is this bleach related, you ask?

Because zangetsu's original form was that of a giant knife. Like, yeah, we do make jokes about how it's nothing like the normal katanas, brute force weapon for a brute force guy, but it is cool in the context of Ichigo being the uncivilised ryoka boy from the spiritual middle of nowhere charging in to defy and deny the tradition of the upper class ruling gotei with their proper and legally gained asauchi forged zanpakuto.

One made by the founder of a people who originated in medieval Germany who, at the time, thought Ichigo had no right to a true sword or the truth of his noble heritage. So he gave him a giant knife with a curved one sided blade and a wrapped hilt and a beak pommel.

I just thought that was so cool, but there's no way it was intended otherwise kubo would never have used that original bankai guard.

How fun! I feel like there's definitely pieces of canon that can be brought into this conversation, though I am not personally invested enough in Ichigo's sword lore or in Nimaiya to collect them. But it makes me think about Byakuya's critique and/or observations of Ichigo's bankai; the notion (which is perhaps notional, even within canon? I genuinely feel like the Gotei was really just spitballing the idea of "constant-release type zanpakutou"); Nimaiya's whole spiel about asauchi.

Though given the flexibility of form for zanpakutou and the fact that a good many shikai become no longer sword-shaped, I do question whether shinigami perceptions of what constitutes a "proper" sword would be as rigid. I kind of like the idea that Academy students and shinigami who don't have shikai actually do, because their vision of what a sword is is much closer to, well, a sword. But as you get deeper in your own sauce as a shinigami, something happens in your brain and what fits within the definition of a sword becomes incurably much more expansive.

Kind of like if you're reading a history textbook, history is this defined, chronological thing, but if you're a historian, history is "WELL..." Or if you're in a math class, math is discrete and plug-n-chug. And if you're a mathematician, math is "WELLLLLLL..."

Is a sword a piece of steel, or is it some weird guy in your head proclaiming cryptic shit like "you cannot see the back of your own head..." while it rains backwards and the spindles of a crescent moon touch, who really knows, who can say

(Meanwhile, Joe Shinigami is like, "Wait, it's the first one, isn't it? The steel one?? It's definitely the piece of steel??? Also that ryoka guy has a giant cleaver so I'm calling in sick for this one, lads.")

Which honestly might explain why all the top dog shinigami are ultimately pretty willing to incorporate Ichigo into their worldview, despite his being an obvious and very strange anomaly. If you look at his, like, resume, or his education history, none of him would make sense. But if you just skip over that and see him as someone who is legible because the nature of zanpakutou and shikai and bankai train you to expect this kind of shit... It's all part of the classic Gotei paradox where the Gotei is rigid and bound to all kinds of strange hierarchy except when it's not and everything is proceeding on vibes alone!

[metanarrates]

hi as someone who's been browsing your utena and ORV meta, please I'd love to hear your thoughts on villainess isekai

my off the cuff answer is that most people are not revolutionary leftists OR revolutionary feminists and therefore don't even think about those ideas, since current oppressive systems are the air they breathe. their concept of wish fulfillment only occurs within those systems, or ones that have a strong resemblance to existing systems (ie feudal european fantasy world where the protag is/becomes landed gentry.) sure, the character is still in the system, but she's at the top of the class system, and she has Special Qualities that render her somehow immune to patriarchal violence. that sort of thing is the only escapism a lot of people can imagine, since existing outside the system is, well, a revolutionary idea!

FURTHER ANALYSIS UNDER THE CUT:

under patriarchy, there exist only a few models of womanhood that are okay for women to relate to and aspire towards. obviously, this is a complex sociological concept and those models are not uniform for every society, or even every person's perception of that society, but those models do have a tendency to shape what women fantasize about. and literally every one of those models has the common feature of being subservient to men in some way. this is, again, because of patriarchy lol.

patriarchy also has this effect of presenting heterosexual love, romance, and reproduction as the ultimate way for a woman to find fulfillment. there are other acceptable avenues of fulfillment, but all of them are supposedly inferior to the fulfillment of having a man who loves you and wishes to protect you. this essentially has the effect of making it so most, if not all, of popular fantasies targeted to women end up also treating heterosexual romance as the ultimate path to fulfillment!

you've identified that power fantasies written for men tend to be about gaining, yknow, power. they get skills and Do Cool Things and also often gain hot chicks as a secondary aspect of wish fulfillment. power fantasies for women are often an inversion of this: the primary wish fulfillment is that of a hot guy who loves them, with any extra powers or skills or Stuff the main character gets acting as a secondary component to that fantasy. this reflects real life gender expectations, where men are meant to be career holders first and husbands second, and vice versa for women. and a Lot of this ties into what I was talking about earlier with both acceptable modeling and patriarchial romance standards.

you see, i have a theory in relation to escapist main characters. in a lot of other genres, it's somewhat acceptable that the main character of a story is not someone you have to 100% identify with. they can do socially unacceptable things and the story can still be very enjoyable to a vast audience. but when it comes to a character who functions more or less as an audience self-insert, the standards change entirely. an audience isn't usually quite as comfortable placing themself fully in the shoes of someone who defies social acceptability too much, just because those are actions that make them feel uncomfortable in real life. they don't like having fantasies that feel wrong by the standards of societal structures.* and so, a LOT of the time, the main character must fit acceptable models of womanhood in order for the fantasy to sell.

(*generally speaking. see above on societal stuff not being uniform. i have a lot to say about how an Actually Evil villainess functions as a fantasy but for now I'm just gonna talk about patriarchy in shoujo fantasies lol)

and what are these acceptable models of womanhood? like i said, they're highly tied to the female character being desired and protected by men. this familiarity is comforting to readers. it's unchallenging. it's even desirable.

and this is what I keep identifying in escapist fiction: the need for comfort/familiarity above all else, even if that comfort is found in opppressive power structures. a key component of the fantasy is the power structure seemingly without the oppression that makes those real-life systems unbearable. sure, the protag is essentially the property of the man who loves her, but maybe he lets her do what she wants, or he won't hurt her in ways she doesn't like in the course of possessing her. it makes gendered structures that are implicitly violent in real life explicitly nonviolent (or not violent to a point where it cannot be tolerated by the protagonist) inside the fantasy. it is, in essence, softening patriarchy to a point where it can be viewed as safe. and to a reader of these fantasies, that feels safer than dealing with the uncertain territory of someone who tries to escape those structures!

[south-of-heaven]

Can I have Damian Priest x Fem reader x Dominik Mysterio with the prompt ❛ i’m not afraid of you. ❜ I need some softness in my life in between the emotions while writing my edge series

Bad guys || Damian Priest x Reader x Dominik Mysterio

Summary: Falling for the bad guys isn't always ideal, you make it work though.

You had always been drawn to the enigmatic aura surrounding Damian Priest and Dominik Mysterio. While most people shied away from their tough exteriors and the reputation they had garnered, you saw beyond the facade. They were more than the roles they played; you saw their genuine sides, the kindness and camaraderie that they extended to those close to them.

Despite the air of danger that seemed to hang around them, you couldn't help but feel an undeniable connection. Your heart saw something others didn't – two individuals who had built walls to protect themselves but were looking for something more genuine and real.

However, your attachment to them had not gone unnoticed. Concerned for your safety, they attempted to distance you from their world, thinking that their rough lifestyles weren't suitable for someone as pure-hearted as you.

"I don't want to see you getting hurt," Damian would tell you, his voice tinged with worry.

But you were determined. "I'm not afraid of you," you replied firmly, looking them both in the eye. You refused to let the perceptions of others dictate who you could be close to. You believed in them, and you were willing to stand by their side no matter what.

After their initial attempts to persuade you away from them, they seemed to realize that your bond was unbreakable. Rather than pushing you away, they took on a new mission – to keep you safe, to shield you from the dangers that surrounded them.

It wasn't long before you found them standing up for you, ensuring that you were never in harm's way. They became your silent protectors, always watching out for you, even when you weren't aware of it.

Dominik's presence became a constant at your side during events, his watchful eyes making sure no one got too close. Damian's occasional glares were enough to make anyone think twice about causing you any trouble.

As days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, your relationship deepened. The tough exteriors they had shown the world began to crack in your presence. You saw them laugh, you witnessed their softer moments, and you felt their sincere affection for you.

One evening, as the three of you sat together in a quiet corner of a dimly lit cafe, you couldn't help but smile. The camaraderie you shared was one of a kind, an unspoken understanding that bound you together.

"You know," Damian began, his tone softer than usual, "we might not be the best company for someone like you."

You locked eyes with him, your gaze steady and unwavering. "You're wrong. You're exactly the company I want."

Dominik's lips quirked into a small smile, a rare sight that warmed your heart. "We might not be the heroes people want us to be, but we'll always keep you safe."

Their protectiveness had evolved into a genuine affection that ran deep. They had come to appreciate your presence just as much as you cherished theirs. In each other's company, you found a sense of belonging, a bond that defied the roles they played in the ring.

As you sat there, enjoying each other's company, you realized that you had found your place amidst the chaos. You were the one who had managed to see the real Damian and Dominik – two individuals who were far from the villains they portrayed. And they, in turn, were the ones who had embraced you, not as someone who needed saving, but as someone who could bring light to their lives.

Together, you were more than the roles you played; you were a testament to the power of genuine connections, defying expectations and proving that sometimes, the most unlikely bonds are the strongest ones.

[disco-elysium-via-polls]

6. [Conceptualization - Godly 16] Present an investment plan that is sure to fail.

-2 Art degree useless.

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Godly: Failure] - Congratulations, you've somehow managed to fail at failing, which means, in a strange way, that you've succeeded?

"You should invest in a youth centre."

MEGA RICH LIGHT BENDING GUY - "A youth centre, huh? What *kind* of youth centre?"

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT [Medium: Success] - A place to train *buff kids*.

EMPATHY [Easy: Success] - A place to teach them practical skills like teamwork and self-discipline.

CONCEPTUALIZATION - Come on. Tell him what he wants to hear.

"One dedicated to instilling liberal economic values in children from low-net-worth families."

"One to inspire the future leaders of tomorrow to public service."

"You know, a regular youth centre, with basketball courts and stuff. To *really* develop their physical proficiency."

"You know, a regular youth centre, with basketball courts and stuff. To teach teamwork and other emotional skills."

MEGA RICH LIGHT BENDING GUY - "No, no, no. You've got to think *bigger* than that."

2. "One to inspire the future leaders of tomorrow to public service."

+1 Moralism

MEGA RICH LIGHT BENDING GUY - "Hmmm," the man thinks for a moment.

"I like that you're thinking about the future, but couldn't the centre have a more... economic focus?"

"One dedicated to instilling liberal economic values in children from low-net-worth families."

+1 Ultraliberalism

MEGA RICH LIGHT BENDING GUY - "Brilliant! Without children who'll be there to buy stuff in the future?"

"Yes. And if it doesn't work out, we can always re-purpose the centre as a shopping mall or private equity firm."

MEGA RICH LIGHT BENDING GUY - "When life closes a door, it opens a window, yes? What's the expected return on this?"

"Highly educated, work-ready, human capital ready to be directed toward any number of your vast interests."

"With human beings there's always a risk associated. Which is why we've got to hold onto the centre itself as a fallback."

CONCEPTUALIZATION - You're deep into ultraliberal territory now. Good work.

MEGA RICH LIGHT BENDING GUY - "Very impressive. You've got a natural eye for unusual investment opportunities."

"Thank you."

"I know."

MEGA RICH LIGHT BENDING GUY - "I don't normally do this without a formal pitch deck, but to hell with it, what's the point of being rich if you have to follow all the rules?"

"Here's a round of seed funding. This should be enough to prove out the concept and get things off the ground."

+100 real

We have already bought basically everything in the game, so on a technical level this is useless to us.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Medium: Success] - CHA-CHING. What'll it be? Speed? Vodka? Cigarettes?

HORRIFIC NECKTIE - *Bratan*, now's your chance to take some time off. Spend it with your good buddy, and get absolutely *wrecked* in the process.

"Hmm. Drugs do go well with money, I agree."

"I'm sorry, man, I'm an investor now -- I have to stay sober to calculate risks."

HORRIFIC NECKTIE - What is this shit?!? CALCULATING RISKS? *BRATAN*. THE RISKS YOU CANT CALCULATE ARE THE ONLY ONES WORTH TAKING!

"I'm sorry. I just don't see the ROI in that."

"I'll give it some thought."

KIM KITSURAGI - The lieutenant looks at you with horror. You've been mumbling to your necktie in a daze for several minutes.

MEGA RICH LIGHT BENDING GUY - "Ah, yes. Now you're displaying it... the *eccentricity* that becomes a wealthy individual." If the money-saint's visage weren't wrapped in physics-defying light, you would see his approval.

"Thank you for placing your unwavering *trust* in me."

"Thanks for the handout."

MEGA RICH LIGHT BENDING GUY - "Remember: it's not a *handout*, it's an investment. And I expect to see returns."

KIM KITSURAGI - The lieutenant stands there, dumbfounded. His mouth opens slightly, then closes again.

PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Medium: Success] - Is he having a stroke?

"What do you think, Kim? Not bad, huh?"

"Kim, are you alright?"

"Kim, are you having a stroke?"

KIM KITSURAGI - "No, I am *not* having a stroke. You're just... still full of surprises. Most of them bad, but some good..."

+1 Reputation

COMPOSURE [Medium: Success] - The lieutenant has granted you an aura of legitimacy. Bathe in it, but don't let your satisfaction show. Play it cool.

MEGA RICH LIGHT BENDING GUY - "Now, was there anything else I could help you gentlemen with?"

There is not.

5. "We should get back to our investigation. Thanks for your time." [Leave.]

MEGA RICH LIGHT BENDING GUY - "The pleasure was mine. Unfortunately, I must be away soon. The next time we meet, I'll be expecting an update on my investment!"

"Farewell, friend, and may your peace of mind guide you to happiness."

A thought is triggered.

SAVOIR FAIRE - Wow, you work *hard*.

I do?

(Discard thought).

SAVOIR FAIRE - Oh, yes. You hustle. You're a provider. It's tough out there, but you keep it real and provide...

I guess I do, yeah.

What hard work do I do exactly?

SAVOIR FAIRE - Oh yeah! Like a horse. A work horse. For hard work.

What hard work do I do exactly?

SAVOIR FAIRE - Look at yourself, you're a human pedometer! You must have walked 200,000 steps down cracked asphalt, mosaic, sand, and linoleum after you re-emerged.

That is the sign of a hustler who never gives up. The world is harsh and people are evil -- you didn't make it that way. And you won't let it break you. You *ride*.

Yeah, I ride. A little.

I fuckin' ride till I die, bitch.

I'm not sure I *ride*...

SAVOIR FAIRE - Oh, you do. You *make* money. You got gills, baby, meaning those black papers with the faces of the innocences on them. You bring in the Franconegros and the Solas.

It ain't easy, but you *do* it. Day in and day out. You didn't make the rules but you won't lose! You're a cop and a sprinter and a money printer.

I mean yeah, I *did* take that bribe from that Joyce woman.

Can't say I didn't make that Siileng guy give some of his money either.

You could say I took some money from that Mañana guy too.

Oh, and then there's pawning stuff off to that suspicious Roy guy.

I guess I've made *some* gills, sure.

SAVOIR FAIRE - Oh yeah, you took that bribe *hard*. You're a killa'.

2. Can't say I didn't make that Siileng guy give some of his money either.

SAVOIR FAIRE - Can't say that -- you *shook* him. You're a killer. A shark.

3. You could say I took some money from that Mañana guy too.

SAVOIR FAIRE - You didn't log that in as a donation either -- you don't log any of that shit in, you're a straight rider.

4. Oh, and then there's pawning stuff off to that suspicious Roy guy.

SAVOIR FAIRE - Yeah, you're in the sales business. Shake 'em for shit and then pawn it off, *law officer*-style.

5. I guess I've made *some* gills, sure.

SAVOIR FAIRE - Sure, sure. And has it been easy? Is life easy? Have you *not* gone into cardiac arrest? Are you *not* about to have an anxiety attack or shoot yourself in the mouth? But you still hustle 24/7, ride or die. Now, ask yourself...

...are you *rich*?

Yes. Quite.

No, I'm actually *not*.

SAVOIR FAIRE - That's right. You work harder than *anyone*, you almost rode yourself to the grave and you're still practically a *hobo* -- why is that?

It's because of that Garte guy riding my ass!

The system is broken!

There's a market for corrupt cops out there, but the immigrant cops have price dumped it.

Fucking taxes, man.

I don't know. Why *am* I so poor?

SAVOIR FAIRE - The Garte-man has set himself up one of those self replicating money-structures. You should *learn* from it. Don't play the victim. Think, hustler. Think with your head.

2. The system is broken!

+1 Communism

SAVOIR FAIRE - Boohoo, *the system is broken*. *The establishment is keeping me down...* That's not the fuck-yeah attitude you're used to, what is this? Why are you so poor?

Skipping the fascist option...

4. Fucking taxes, man.

+1 Ultraliberalism

SAVOIR FAIRE - That's right! One-hundred percent. Fucking G-man's got his jam-covered sticky-fingers in your pocket, stealing from you every time you buy, sell, walk, talk, fart, so much as sneeze!

RHETORIC [Medium: Success] - Aren't taxes almost non-existent in the Gossamer State that is Revachol?

I thought there *were* no taxes.

Really? Every time I sneeze?

SAVOIR FAIRE - You and I both, but they got those *indirect modes of taxation*. Sales tax, excise duty, extraction tax, this tax that doesn't even have a name -- plus there's the stuff *people in other countries* pay for, that makes them ask for more money from *you* here! The Gossamer State's a myth. In total the Coalition Government is taking...

NINETY-EIGHT PERCENT OF ALL YOUR MONEY.

NO FUCKING WAY. I guess I'm a free market fundamentalist now. (Opt in.)

Are you sure? That seems like a pretty big number…

This isn't helping me solve my money problem, it's only making me into a free-market type. (Opt out.)

SAVOIR FAIRE - What are you not sure about?! They're *milking* your nipples till they bleed. Can't you see? Aren't you *sick and tired* of having bloody nipples?

[paeliae-occasionally]

The Death Realms

So in my world there are 2 different death realms, Schaeres’s realm, also known as the unwaking dawn (tamir’sul) in runic, and the true death realm.

Tamir’Sul

Schaeres (sh-eye-ress) is the goddess of unnatural death, so she takes souls who have defied death e.g. the undead and people who don’t death when it is their time. These souls are trapped in this realm forever, or until Schaeres decides to destroy their souls.

She also takes all souls that are killed before their time, these souls just wait here until they were meant to have died, then they pass on to the true death realm.

The realm is made up of 3 main parts

1.Schaeres’s domain, which is a large marble temple/castle building where Schaeres resides most of the time to watch over the realm. This is also the home of other lesser death gods, like Losemene, the goddess of drowning and the water based dead.

2.The gardens, this is the place where honoured souls go in Schaeres’s realm. For example Rin is in the gardens, because Schaeres honoured him after he was murdered. It looks like it sounds, giant rows of exotic and beautiful plants that grow constantly without season.

3.The wastes, also known as the mists by some. This is where souls are sent to wait, either waiting to pass to the true death realm, or waiting to be killed by Schaeres. It looks like an endless field of spectral crops that is eternally shrouded in mist. There have been many escape attempts, but to this day there is no record of success other than Xaeren.

Xaeren

Schaeres is related to the plot because of her conflicts with Xaeren. Xaeren is the first mortal runic since Rin and he invented the majority of modern runes. His parents were necromancers who tried to free souls from Tamir’sul, so Schaeres killed them. Since this happened he had pledged to undermine and eventually kill Schaeres. This is difficult as she is immortal.

Xaeren discovers a method to basically blackmail Schaeres into not killing him while he tries to kill her. He uses the rune he was named after, Xaeren to remove creatures souls from their forms and banish them to Schaeres’s realm. This means there are a whole bunch of souls in her realm that are not dead, so if Xaeren dies, his banishment fails and all of the souls return to their dead bodies and cause problems.

It is Schaeres’s job to prevent these problems so she has to get Xaeren to end the binding without killing him so the souls stay where he put them. Xaeren is a petty guy so he frequently sends souls with messages for Schaeres, to essentially taunt her that she can’t kill him and he can kill her.

There is more conflict here but it is not relevant to the death realms.

The True Death

The true death is ruled by the god of death, who is nameless as far as mortals know. The gods know him as Olsaan, which means the end in Illeri.

The death realm claims all mortal souls that died naturally or at the correct time and death was there to escort them across the planes.

Death’s realm is peaceful and amorphous so it blends the expectation of the viewer and provides comfort to them. The only common thread through everyone’s perception is a strong current in front of them pulling them forward. The most common interpretations describe it as a vast shoreline with silvery water onto black sand with strong currents pulling you under. Others see a great wind pushing them or see fields they run through to a horison.

This current will clear your memory then send you back into a new life. Souls that don’t want to return can remain in the current until they reach the soul-extinguishing true death.

Some souls that are unworthy of another life, but will not choose true death are escorted down the current by Tae’etsu escorts who take them through the true death, as they are not living this does not affect them. Necromancers call them the shadows.  (A Tae’etsu is a creature made of energy with no soul)

-Fendra don’t go to the death dimension as they have no soul. When their body dies, they just die. 

-The Tiel’Drysar are a race of mainly elvish heritage who discover specific talismans that allow them to undergo rebirth without forgetting. The Elder drysar make a deal with death that they will use it wisely and will not share the knowledge of how to create the talismans.

There is a specific sect of the tiel’Drysar that measures and limit the power of necromancers so they don’t disturb the natural balance. They are called the Mistwalkers.

If you have reached here, thank you for listening to my rambling! <3

[deedeedeedeedeedeedee]

I have found more recently, in reflecting on my own childhood in relation to growing up in a predominantly white area and institution as a black person, especially as a weird black girl; that there is this idea that we cannot achieve romance in the same ways as our peers. Black girls, in all areas, whether you were at a nearly all-white institution like myself, or in a place with more diversity, you are expected above everyone else to be “older.” Girls as a whole are told that we are more mature than boys, and that we should excuse boys’ actions because they don’t know better. However for young black girls, we’re reprimanded for fighting back against those things or questioning those ideas. We are treated like the idea of a crush is something frivolous and not worth spending time on.

While girls around me were given gifts on Valentine’s Day by a blushing boy, or pretended to be boyfriend and girlfriend on the playground - I was asked by boys if they could have the n-word pass.

It is a crushing realization that not many people consider and when you grow up around white people only, besides your own parents, it creates a sense of shame and that you are not assimilating well enough to be desired. Something that is far too complex to be considering at such a young age.

This overall may have to do with the unnecessary pressure and idea placed on us, that we are expected to be more “adult” than others. These young, white girls and boys do not see us as equal at times so they see us as someone they can tease, not someone they can chase.

According to Psychology today, black girls experience earlier puberty than those around them. Rather than simply seeing this as a simple biological difference, it is used against us to justify mistreatment.

Not only does this lead to false stereotypes of promiscuity from a very young age, but it propagates the idea that black girls are more “adult-like” and “fast.” We are expected to control how we respond to others actions, how we talk, and how we’re perceived before we’ve even made it to 6th grade. This has been shown to lead to harsher consequences for black students in schools, and a general disregard for their feelings as whole. Asking questions in a classroom setting is seen as “talking back,” and sarcasm is seen as “sassy.” We are expected to be high-class and generally we are expected to skip the joys of our adolescence as a whole.

When I was in 6th grade, I had a friend named John. Like all of my friends, John was white. While playing with John after school, John said to me, “most black people make me feel unsafe when I go to bad places, but you’re different.” As a child, I didn’t know how to feel about this initially. Eventually, I took it as a compliment, that I was defying the expectations of my peers and challenging the stereotypes that me and my internalized racism has fought so hard to do, in showing them that I wasn’t like “other” black people. A child should not have to worry about this or consider this and a child’s existence should not be a lesson for other children to learn.

Representation of us in the media does not help either, and that comes from all races. We are depicted from white audiences as loud, sassy, and “loose.” Though, if we are depicted to be more eccentric or weird, we’re seen as “whitewashed.” Which, the damage of declaring a black person “whitewashed” from any race is dangerous in it of itself as it implies that there is a correct way to be black.

Irregardless, the current landscape of America has not faired well in helping black women of all background and personalities. Even as intersectionality grows, we are treated as a monolith. Us being represented in roles that were not typically assigned to in media is seen as “woke” or unnecessary. The perception of black women in America needs to change as a whole, to not only be more inclusive, but to begin with the simple step that needs to be accomplished first — to see us as people.

[lingshanhermit]

Lingshan Hermit: Discipline, Self-Discipline, and External Discipline

Among all the unpleasant things in life, what we humans dislike most is probably the feeling of being unfree. As humans, our greatest suffering comes from lacking autonomy. We dislike being restrained, being lectured, and having others direct our lives. For centuries, poets have celebrated freedom, politicians have advocated for it, and even those in the throes of passionate love don't want to lose their freedom. In human society, one of the greatest punishments is to deprive someone of freedom. That's why prison is a place many people fear most. We dislike constraints, dislike being educated, dislike any feeling of unfreedom—all stemming from our constant pursuit of freedom.

Although we continuously chase freedom, due to our limited knowledge and profound misunderstanding of the world, the freedom we seek is usually superficial—the most shallow kind of freedom, the kind described in the American Declaration of Independence, the kind where we can make our own decisions without being influenced by others or fearing anyone. Many of us have been taught that if we have tens of millions of dollars in the bank, we can attain freedom: we can do whatever we want, not worry about pleasing anyone, quit our jobs if we're dissatisfied. We can sleep until we naturally wake up, feed pigeons in Paris, watch macaws in the Brazilian rainforest with someone we love, attend dinners at Mar-a-Lago, send our children to Phillips Exeter Academy, say whatever we want, eat whatever we want. If you have enough power, you can even put your toes in someone else's mouth. This is how most people understand freedom. This shallow perception leads them into efforts that yield only temporary results, ultimately leaving them with nothing. Through effort, you might temporarily achieve some degree of freedom—financial freedom, jewelry freedom, citizenship freedom—but this freedom is far from the cost-free state you imagine. You'll eventually discover that for this small freedom, you've lost the greatest freedom. Because you believed in this path to freedom, you missed the path to true freedom. This is profound.

Because our pursuit of freedom is full of contempt for rules, full of the pleasure of breaking them, full of privilege and attempts to defy causality, our freedom is typically the kind where we can disregard everyone else—the freedom to not be commanded by others while commanding others ourselves. This kind of freedom highly liberates the self, causing us to lose discipline and restraint. It allows us to do whatever we want, buy whatever we want, say whatever we want, wake up whenever we want. It brings unprecedented greed and appetite, allows our desires unprecedented release, expands our daily needs a thousandfold, and further fattens our "self." Now you must drink freshly ground Jamaican coffee, eat Iranian caviar, live in a mansion in Hong Kong's Mid-Levels, and engage in romantic relationships with men twenty years younger than you. To maintain and control your world, you must work harder than ever to earn money or gain power, which often means drinking other people's bodily fluids, stealing others' achievements, seizing others' land, cutting off others' fingers or heads. This is the price of the freedom we desire. Although almost everyone races along this path chasing freedom, they ultimately gain nothing. Their pursuit of freedom fails one by one. They gain much—wealth and power—but discover there's no freedom in it. They lose freedom in trying to gain it, fall into suffering in trying to attain happiness.

I've always believed this is because our definition of freedom is based on the "self." Our freedom goal is to let the "self" act without constraints, to not endure any grievances, to not have to fake smiles, to not listen to anyone's nonsense, and to not fear anyone's suppression. This is our definition of freedom. But expecting to gain freedom by satisfying the "self" is like expecting a tiger not to bite you after you've fed it. In the end, you'll find that even if you successfully become the master of the White House, you still can't fulfill your freedom dream as you wish—you'll be limited and constrained by many things. Like everyone else, Buddhism also pursues freedom, but Buddhism's pursuit of freedom differs from what most people consider freedom, differs from the freedom to do whatever you want. In many cases, Buddhism's path to freedom doesn't seem free at all, because Buddhist freedom is built on strong discipline and self-discipline.

When we talk about discipline, we're actually talking about constraining the "self," about limiting our habits—limiting those selfish habits developed by the "self." These habits arise from ignorance. Due to ignorance, we believe we truly exist, and because we believe we truly exist, we develop various habits to maintain the "self." So all these selfish habits exist to protect and validate the "self." However, the bad news is: the "self" has never existed. Therefore, the habits we develop for the "self" are maintaining something that has never existed—an illusion. We fight, compete, and kill others for this illusion. From a Buddhist practice perspective, this is the root of all our suffering. Because the "self" has never existed, we are striving for a non-existent goal, which makes all our actions contrary to the path, causing us to continuously create new negative karma, continuing the cycle of samsara and suffering.

Although the "self" has never existed, and habits have no real essence, these non-existent things have real effects and powerful inertia. Even if you theoretically know the "self" doesn't exist, or have even experienced some degree of selflessness through meditation, habits still firmly control every aspect of you—controlling all your thoughts, speech, and actions. They still have powerful dominance and decision-making power over you. So if we want to eliminate these habits, the first step is to limit them. We must first compress their living space and weaken their control over us before we can gradually dismantle them. Many practitioners don't actually understand why they should limit the "self." Although they've been practicing for years, this doesn't prevent them from not understanding. Because it seems completely contrary to the results they want—no matter how you look at it, it seems more like shackles than freedom. Although they don't say it aloud, it doesn't mean they don't harbor doubts. Many people never understood from the beginning why Buddhism has so many rules and restrictions. But they don't ask. Although these rules make them uncomfortable, because many people are influenced by Confucian culture, they usually don't express their true thoughts. However, it's very necessary to clarify these things at the beginning of practice, because whether all your practice can ultimately become true practice depends on whether you've clarified at the beginning: what is causing your suffering? What are you attacking? Who are your allies? And who are your enemies? These are important. If you don't clarify these principles of practice, you can easily view certain practices as mental control and bullying.

Unfortunately, most people haven't clarified these things, so they don't know who the enemy is, don't know who their teammates are, don't understand why they must do things certain ways, don't understand why they should listen to certain people. The worst practitioners I've seen are those who think they're incredibly clever and have seen through everything. They unfortunately live in an era where everyone has a mobile phone, which gives them opportunities to be taught to be very "smart." They're familiar with all sorts of tactics and know their rights. Although they've been in practice groups for years, following the masses in many practices, they've never actually clarified the meaning of doing so. Yet they think they understand everything, think they've already seen through it all, and are just playing along with others. Such people, if not under too much pressure, might continue acting indefinitely, but if the pressure becomes too great, they might completely break down because from beginning to end, they believed practice was just a scam. This is their true thought deep inside. What do you think such people can cultivate? So it's important to clarify why we practice this way from the beginning.

The reason we constrain the "self" and limit habits is because since beginningless time, we've been doing the opposite, so we've nurtured an enormous, uncontrollable "self." If you continue to feed it, it will eventually drag you to destruction. Since beginningless time, we've cherished the "self" dearly, unwilling to let it suffer even slightly. We're very lenient with ourselves, which is reflected in the fact that if no one is supervising, most people would shed their disguises and indulge themselves, because constraining the "self" makes them uncomfortable—just like a tight tie makes the neck uncomfortable—so they shed their disguises when alone. This indicates that their usual practice is just a performance, showing they haven't truly recognized the harm of the "self." They've just accidentally become involved in this game and now have to continue participating. Such people could never actively constrain the "self" because they've never truly regarded the "self" as an enemy.

Therefore, before you understand what's causing your suffering, all your practice is just acting. You don't truly want liberation, don't hate ignorance, and feel no animosity toward the "self." You don't think they've done anything to harm you. Instead, you're full of hostility toward those who have touched your "self." Such practitioners, though seemingly practicing, are still controlled by the former view of freedom—the popular societal view. They verbally oppose the "self" but still follow the path of the "self" in their hearts.

As ignorant beings, we can only understand the most superficial and surface-level freedom, so we dislike being constrained, dislike being disciplined, and especially dislike being led by the nose. In modern society, having a Dharma teacher who teaches you how to live, how to meditate, how to view things seems like a shameful thing. For those of us enslaved by modern education, this seems to imply we have no independence, that we're like idiots or slaves. You might feel undignified and could be mocked by friends. In one of Dzongsar Khyentse Rinpoche's books, he mentions visiting a Western disciple's home unannounced. The house was full of the disciple's friends having a party. The teacher's arrival was unexpected, so the disciple was embarrassed to introduce him as "my teacher." Instead, he introduced him to his friends as "an Asian friend." This is the true state of many people. They've graduated from Stanford, work in Silicon Valley, and their friends are all industry elites, so they're embarrassed to admit they have a teacher. It feels like they can't manage their own lives and need someone to guide them. People who have received modern Western education typically don't boast about having a Buddhist teacher. Especially in the white world. Tying a teacher's shoelaces is beyond their conventional thinking. I don't think any PhD from Caltech would proudly boast about washing their teacher's underwear. Their self-esteem and knowledge would prevent them from doing so. When this thinking develops to its extreme, it can evolve into: "I don't need a teacher; I can practice on my own." So you can see many people practicing independently without teachers, many people keeping their distance from teachers. Their self-esteem and fear stand between them and their teachers, as vast as the ocean.

Of course, this isn't unique to Westerners. I've also seen many people in China who think they can practice on their own. They're also bound by the same fear and self-esteem, unable to take that step. But regardless, in practice, a teacher is absolutely necessary. We must have a genuine teacher, one who has authentic lineage and realization, who cares about your practice, who can communicate with you directly. Because only a genuine teacher can impact your habits, apply theoretical knowledge to you, and let you experience what Milarepa once experienced. In Buddhist practice, the teacher is an important other-power. For quite a long time in Buddhist practice, other-power is very important because we've all been spoiled. So we need someone we fear to manage us before we can gradually regain control. Those who don't want to be managed, who want to practice on their own, who don't want to lose freedom, who don't want to give others control over them—their "practice" is conducted without management and guidance. Heaven knows what they can cultivate this way.

A teacher will give you transmission, explain the true meaning of every word, tell you what you can and cannot do, tell you to make water offerings and not kill lobsters, etc. If your relationship reaches a certain level, they might even interfere with what time you go to bed. Most people wouldn't like having someone manage them like this. They're accustomed to indulging themselves, accustomed to deciding when to sleep and whether to eat steak. So how could they like living a life where they can't make their own decisions? Especially after receiving certain Vajrayana empowerments, it's almost like you've found yourself a master. Your relationship can never return to the past. If they ask you to go to the busiest street in the evening and ask for a kiss from every passing woman, whether she's sixty or twenty, you cannot refuse. The "self" doesn't like these things; it likes to make its own decisions. It doesn't like what the teacher arranges for you; it doesn't like vows, doesn't like reporting, doesn't like being commanded, doesn't like others intervening in your life. You'll feel violated. But if you want liberation, you must surrender some degree of freedom, must sacrifice certain things. This sacrifice can be as big as quitting your job and moving to Nepal or as small as having to recite Guru Rinpoche's mantra 1,080 times daily or not being allowed to grow a beard longer than five centimeters. These are the freedom costs you must pay.

This is actually helping you reshape discipline, gradually bleeding your "self." When you have a teacher, you can no longer be as indulgent or capricious as before. You can't disappear without asking for leave, can't eat garlic, can't dress like Lady Gaga, or can't dress unlike Lady Gaga. Compared to before, you have many more things to do. Because you must participate in online group practice every night, you can no longer lie on the sofa with your wife waiting to watch a talk show like before. You must keep this time slot free. But this is the price we must pay for ultimate freedom and enlightenment, the discipline we must follow. Discipline helps us regain control of ourselves and rebuild good habits. Additionally, in Vajrayana, such behavior usually contains deeper meanings. If we can fully cooperate with the teacher, we can transform daily life into practice—this is the so-called "taking the teacher as the path." It can disable your "self" in a short time, dismantle it, make it lose control over you, thereby realizing selflessness.

In traditional Buddhist practice, group power is often seen as the most important external force. If you're in a genuine practice group, your practice can receive great support. Because the discipline of a practice group itself is the greatest sabotage and obstruction to the habits of the "self"—it's specifically designed to conflict with the "self." It confines the "self" in an extremely small space, leaving it unable to breathe. Due to lack of foresight, many people don't know the terrible consequences of indulging the "self." They can only experience the benefits of the "self" but haven't experienced its disadvantages. From a Buddhist perspective, the reason we need to constrain the "self" is because most people believe in the existence of the "self." Because they believe in the existence of the "self" and have seen many demonstrations of satisfaction of the "self" leading to happiness, they mistakenly think that satisfying the "self" is the path to happiness. In practical terms, most people do gain considerable happiness from this. But far-sighted Buddhist masters tell us this is a path to ultimate suffering, a path of licking blood from a knife edge. You can understand it as exchanging a hundred thousand years of imprisonment for one second of happiness. So the Buddha and masters are dedicated to helping us realize selflessness. An important part of the path they've designed is discipline.

We need discipline because most of us cannot discipline ourselves. Today, we are especially unable to discipline ourselves—can you control yourself not to look at your phone or watch borderline videos? We're very lenient with ourselves, which has made us lose control of the "self." With just ourselves, we can hardly achieve self-discipline. Only when we live in a group can we be forced to abandon our habits. This is one of the origins of the monastic system. If you practice in a group, sharing a room with eight people, you can't follow your own whims and do whatever you want. You can't keep the lights on because you don't want to sleep when others need to sleep. So you can only obey, only follow the group's habits. Following the group's habits is a good start. It's the first step in regaining control of yourself. It's the first defeat of the "self."

If a person always follows their own inclinations, they'll only get worse. They'll gradually lose control of themselves, and eventually, it will be too late—even if they want to change, they'll be powerless. I've seen many people who grew up being spoiled. Some of them can't cook, can't bathe themselves, and still need to be picked up and dropped off in high school. So if I were a boss, I'd never want to hire such people. Because they're absolutely disastrous. Such people also absolutely cannot practice. Because practice is a million times more complex than bathing oneself. This is the most extreme example. There are less extreme ones: such people, though appearing normal in their interactions, cannot be criticized. Once criticized, they explode—they've probably never been criticized from childhood to adulthood. These are spoiled people. Such people are not used to obeying, not used to others teaching them how to do things, even more not used to being criticized. So they must first learn to follow rules, learn to follow the group's rhythm. If you can't even follow rules, there's no point in discussing anything else. When you have discipline, you can persist in doing something. If you don't want to do something, you can also easily withdraw from it. These are disciplined people. Those who lack discipline easily fall into various forms of procrastination and "self" doubt. Not following rules gives them a momentary sense of rebellion, leading them to mistakenly think this is freedom. But this "freedom" is addictive like drugs. You become increasingly intoxicated with the pleasure of not following rules, losing control of yourself. It also undermines your mental strength, ultimately leading to incompetence in various areas and creating a serious sense of frustration. Such people cannot persist, cannot continue, and even more cannot focus. This unstable state is very bad news for practitioners.

Therefore, only when you begin to follow the group's rhythm, begin to constrain yourself, begin to manage your habits, can those things that cause your downfall possibly be controlled. Your greed, anger, and ignorance, your desires—they won't disappear on their own. Even if you understand they're your enemies, you'll still be unable to control yourself. Your greed, anger, and ignorance will operate on their own. Buddhist theory alone cannot hold them back. Because the "self" is too powerful, you'll be led by habits, completely unable to control yourself. So, for most people, only by staying in a group for a long time, under strict management, can their habits gradually lose nourishment and wither away.

In all Buddhist practice traditions, self-discipline and external discipline are very important. Basically, when we begin to practice, we must have someone managing us, must have someone you truly revere. This person has authority over you, can give you orders, and you trust them deeply, knowing they're healing you, knowing the process might be painful. At the beginning, you must have such a teacher. Don't have blind faith in your self-control. Without strong external intervention, your self-control can hardly be maintained and will quickly relax. So having someone who can point out your mistakes in time, who can lead you forward, who cares about your practice, is crucial. For people like us, with deep self-grasping and rebelliousness, even with someone managing us, we often want to slack off, find loopholes, and push boundaries—let alone if no one is managing us. I've seen the miserable state of many unmanaged "practitioners." Their "self" will devour all their practice, will transform everything into nourishment for the "self." But they're completely unaware of this.

So, for a long time, you must have someone managing you, must have someone telling you what to do, telling you what you absolutely cannot do. Our "self" has been pampered for so many years, it's very unaccustomed to being managed, unaccustomed to someone giving it orders. But this is still necessary. Without external discipline, your practice basically cannot start. Relying on yourself alone, it's impossible to fight such powerful habits, even more impossible to fight Mara. Only after long-term discipline training can you possibly have strong self-discipline. Basically, it's helping you develop a new lifestyle habit, a habit indispensable for your future practice. In Buddhist precepts, the initial precepts are all behavioral. You must manage your behavior, not kill, not steal, not engage in sexual misconduct. We must start from behavior, leave that comfort zone, and then ascend to the mind. So getting up at four to attend Dharma assemblies, driving weekly to visit the teacher, or accompanying the teacher on travels—these are mostly behavioral constraints. Then you must gradually get used to living with various people you don't like, get used to the teacher's arbitrariness, get used to various things you're not used to. You must control your mouth, your mind, your habits, and finally, your ignorance. As you gradually get used to these things you're not used to, your karmic obstacles begin to decrease, your habits begin to thin, your self-control grows stronger, you begin to stop being distracted by external things, you begin to see your own greed, anger, and ignorance, see your own thoughts and intentions. This is the true beginning of practice.

Only when you're mature enough can you practice on your own. Most practitioners, most of the time, must rely on the power of the group to practice. Even someone like Milarepa stayed with his teacher for six years before practicing alone. Most people who haven't truly practiced cannot imagine the complexity of practice, cannot imagine what they'll encounter, cannot imagine the cunning of Mara. They think practice is simple. Due to lack of discipline and self-discipline, their practice often gives way to habits. They completely rely on the "self's" assumptions and comfort level to arrange practice, quickly making them victims of the "self." Without discipline, you cannot practice. Without discipline, it's difficult to have self-discipline. Without self-discipline, you cannot truly sit down to cultivate observation, cannot see your own greed, anger, and ignorance, cannot constrain body and mind, even more cannot change, cannot realize.

Written by Lingshan Hermit on March 18, 2025, first published on March 20, 2025.

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灵山居士：纪律、自律和他律

在所有糟糕的事物中，我���人类最不喜欢的大概就是不自由的感觉。作为人类，我们最大的痛苦就是不能自主，我们不喜欢被管束，不喜欢被说教，不喜欢让别人来主导自己的人生。数百年来，诗人们歌颂自由，政客们鼓吹自由，连身处热恋的男女都不想失去自由。在人类社会里，最大的惩罚之一就是让你失去自由。所以监狱是很多人最恐惧的地方。我们不喜欢被约束、不喜欢被教育、不喜欢任何不自由的感觉，这缘于我们一直都在追逐自由。虽然我们一直追逐自由，但是由于我们的浅识和对世界的巨大误解，我们所追求的自由通常都很肤浅，我们追求的是那种最肤浅的自由，是那种美国独立宣言所描述的自由，是那种可以自己做主不被任何人左右、不用惧怕任何人的自由。我们很多人都被教导，如果银行里存有几千万美金，我们就可以获取自由，我们可以想干什么就干什么，不用去看任何人的脸色，工作不爽了可以辞职。可以每天睡到自然醒，可以去巴黎喂鸽子，可以和喜欢的人一起去巴西雨林看金刚鹦鹉，可以参加玛拉戈庄园的晚宴，可以让儿子上菲利普斯埃克塞特学院，可以想说什么就说什么，想吃什么就吃什么。如果你有足够的权力，你还可以把脚趾头放到别人的嘴里。大多数人对自由的理解就是如此。这种肤浅的认知会带领他们投身到一种只有短暂结果的努力之中，最终却一无所获。通过努力，你可能会短暂获得某种程度的自由，诸如财务自由珠宝自由国籍自由，但这种自由绝非你所想象的那样毫无代价。你最终会发现，你因为这点小自由而失去了最大的自由。你因为相信这种自由之路而错失了真正的自由之路。这很深刻。因为我们追逐的自由充满对规则的蔑视，充满违规的快感，充满了特权和尝试对抗因果的努力，我们的自由通常是那种可以不用考虑任何人的自由，是那种不被别人指挥却可以指挥别人的自由。这种自由高度释放自我，让我们丧失纪律，丧失约束。让我们想干什么就干什么，想买什么就买什么，想说什么就说什么，想几点起就几点起，它带给我们的是前所未有的贪婪和胃口，让我们的欲望得到了空前的释放，把我们的日常需求拓宽了千倍，更加养肥了我们的“自我”。现在你必须喝牙买加的现磨咖啡、必须吃伊朗的鱼子酱，必须住香港半山的豪宅，必须和小你二十岁的男人谈情说爱。为了维持和掌控你的世界，你必须比过去更努力地去赚钱或是获取权力，而这通常意味着我们不得不去喝下别人的体液，不得不去偷窃别人的成果，去抢夺别人的土地，去切下别人的手指或头颅。这就是我们想要的自由的代价。虽然几乎所有的人都在这条路上奔跑追逐自由，但他们最终却一无所得。他们的追逐自由之行逐一败落。他们得到了很多，得到了财富和权力，却发现里面根本没有自由。他们为了得到自由而失去自由，为了得到幸福而跌入痛苦之中。我一直认为这是因为我们对自由的定义是基于“自我”，我们的自由目标是让“自我”可以不受约束任意妄为，可以不用忍受任何委屈不用假装笑脸，不用听任何人扯淡，也不用惧怕任何人打压。这是我们对自由的定义。但是指望通过满足“自我”获得自由就像是指望喂饱了老虎它就不会咬你一样。到最后你会发现即便你成功当上白宫的主人也无法如愿以偿实现你的自由梦，你会被很多事情限制制约。和所有人一样，佛教也同样追求自由，但是佛教的追求自由不同于大多数人所认为的自由，不同于那种想干什么就干什么的自由。在很多时候，佛教的自由之路看上去一点也不自由，因为佛教的自由是建立在强大的纪律和自律之上。

当我们说到纪律的时候，我们其实是在说约束“自我”，是在说限制自己的习气——限制那些由“自我”所发展出来的自私习气。这些习气基于无明而生，由于无明，我们认为自己是真实的存在，因为认为自己真实存在，我们养成了各种维护“自我”的习气，所以我们的所有这些自私习气全都是为了保护“自我”、证明“自我”而生。然而坏消息是：“自我”从未存在过。所以我们这些为“自我”而生的习气所维护的的是一个从未存在过的东西，是一个幻影，我们为了这个幻影和别人战斗，和别人争夺，和别人砍杀。从佛教修持的角度来说，这就是我们一切痛苦的根源。因为“自我”从未存在，所以我们是在为了一个不存在的目标���努力，这让我们所有的行为都与道相违，让我们不断制造新的恶业，从而继续轮回，继续痛苦。虽然“自我”从未存在过，习气也没有任何真实的本质，但是这些并不真实存在的东西有着真实的作用和强大的惯性。即便你已经在理论上知道“自我”不存在甚至已经通过禅定体验到了某种程度的无我，习气依然牢牢把控着你的方方面面、把控着你所有的思维、语言和行为。它对你依然有着强大的统御力和决定权。所以如果我们想要消灭这些习气，第一步要做的就是先去限制它。我们先要压缩它们的生存空间，削弱它们对我们的控制力。才能逐步瓦解它。很多修行者其实并不明白为什么要限制“自我”，虽然他们已经修行多年，但这并不妨碍他们不明白。因为这看起来和他们想要的结果完全是背道而驰，怎么看它都更像是枷锁而不是自由。虽然他们嘴上不说，但不代表他们心里不犯嘀咕，很多人从一开始就没搞明白为什么佛教有那么多规矩和限制。但他们也不问。虽然这些规矩让他们很不舒服，但是因为很多人受到儒家文化的影响，所以他们通常不会把自己的真实想法说出口。但是在修行开始的时候把这些事情搞清楚非常必要，因为你所有的修行最终能否成为修行端赖你在开始的时候是否弄清楚了是什么在让你痛苦？以及你要攻击的对象是什么？谁是你的战友？而谁又是你的敌人？这些很重要。如果没搞清楚这些修行的原理，你很容易把某些修行视为精神控制和霸凌。遗憾的是，大多数人并没有搞清楚这些，所以他们不知道谁是敌人，不知道谁是队友，不明白为什么一定要这样做，不明白为什么要听某人的。我见过的最最糟糕的修行者是那种自以为看透一切聪明无比的修行者，他们不幸生活在这个每个人都拿着一个手机的时代。这让他们有机会被教导的很“聪明”，他们熟知各种套路，知道自己的权利，虽然他们在修行团体多年，随着大众在做很多修行，但是其实他们从未搞清楚这么做的意义，但是他们会觉得自己什么都明白，觉得自己早已洞察一切，只是陪着对方在演戏。这样的人如果没有受到太大的压力，可能会一直演下去，但是如果压力过大，他可能就会彻底崩盘，因为从头至尾他都认为修行只是一场骗局。这是他他内心深处的真实想法。你觉得这样的人能修出什么来？所以在修行之初搞清楚为什么要这么做很重要。我们之所以要约束“自我”，要限制习气，是因为从无始劫以来，我们一直都在做相反的事，所以我们养出了一个硕大无比的不受控的“自我”，如果你继续喂养它，最终它会拖着你走向毁灭。从无始劫以来，我们一直都非常珍爱“自我”，舍不得他受半点苦。我们对自己非常宽容，这体现在假如没有人监督，大多数人都会卸下伪装放纵自己，因为约束“自我”会让他们很不舒服——就像是系紧的领带让脖子不舒服一样。——所以到了无人处他们就会卸下伪装。这表示他们平时的修行只是在表演，表明他们尚未真正认知到“自我”的危害，他们只是不小心参与到了这个游戏之中，现在不得不继续参与而已。这样的人绝不可能主动去约束“自我”。因为它从未真正把“自我”当成过敌人。所以，在想明白是什么在让你痛苦之前，你所有的修行都只是在演戏，你并不真正想解脱，也不痛恨无明，对“自我”更是全无恶感。你不觉得他们做了什么伤害你的事。反倒是那些触碰过你“自我”的人，你会对他们充满敌意。像这样的修行者虽然貌似在修行却依然受制于前一种自由观——那种社会大众的自由观。他们嘴上和“自我”势不两立，心里却依然奉行“自我” 之道。

作为无明众生，我们只能理解那些最肤浅最表面的自由，所以我们不喜欢被约束，不喜欢被管教，更不喜欢被别人牵着鼻子走。在现代社会，有个佛法老师教你怎么生活怎么打坐怎么看待事物似乎是很丢脸的事，对我们这些被现代教育奴役的人而言，这似乎意味着我们毫无独立性，像个弱智或是奴隶一样，你会因此感觉没有尊严，还可能会被朋友嘲笑。宗萨钦则仁波切有本书里提到，有一回他没打招呼就去一个西方弟子家里去做客，当时屋子里全都是他的朋友，他们正在举行一个party。上师的到来让他很感意外。所以，他没好意思跟在场的人介绍说这是我的上师，他对他的朋友们说这是他的一位亚洲朋友。这就是很多人的真实状态。他们读过斯坦福，在硅谷上班，朋友们也都是行业精英，所以他不太好意思承认自己有个上师，这给人感觉好像他不能自主自己的人生需要有个人指导一样。受过现代西式教育的人通常不会把自己有个佛法上师这件事当成一个可夸耀的话题。尤其是在白人世界。帮上师系鞋带更是超出他们的常规思维范畴，我不认为有哪个出身加州理工学院的博士会主动夸耀他曾给上师洗内裤。他的自尊和学识会阻止他这么做。当这样的思维发展到极致，就可能演变成：我不需要一个老师，我可以自己修行。所以你能看到很多没有老师独立修行的人，能看到很多和老师保持距离的人。他们的自尊和惧怕横亘在他和上师之间，像大海一样辽阔。当然这不是西方人独有的东西，我在中国也见过很多认为可以自己修行的人。他们也被同样的惧怕和自尊拴住，无法跨出那一步。但是无论如何，在修行上，老师都是绝对必要的。我们必须有一位真正的老师，这位老师必须有真实的传承和证悟，关心你的修行，可以和你直接沟通。因为只有真实的老师才能对你的习气产生冲击，才能把那些书本上的理论用在你身上，才能让你体验到米勒日巴当初体验过的感觉。在修行上，上师是重要的他力。在佛法修持相当长的一段时间里，他力都非常重要，因为我们都被惯坏了。所以必须有一个能让我们怕的人管着我们才能慢慢找回控制力。那些不希望被管束的人，他们想要自己修行，他们不想失去自由，不想授人以鼻环，他们的“修行”是在没有管束和指导的状态下进行的，天知道他们这样的能修出个什么。上师会给你传承，会给你讲解每句话的真实意思，会告诉你什么能做什么不能做，会告诉你要做水供不要杀害龙虾之类。如果你们的关系达到某个高度，连你几点睡觉他可能都要干涉。大多数人不会喜欢有个这样的人管着自己。他们习惯了放纵自我，习惯了自己决定几点睡觉以及要不要吃牛排。所以他们怎么会喜欢过这种不能自主的生活。尤其是在你接受了某些密乘灌顶之后，你几乎像是给自己找了个主人，你们的关系再也回不到过去，如果他要求你傍晚时分去最繁华的大街向每个过路的女人索吻不管她是六十岁还是二十岁，你也无法拒绝。“自我”不喜欢这些，它喜欢自己做决定。它不喜欢上师给你安排的这些，它不喜欢誓言、不喜欢报备、不喜欢被命令、不喜欢别人介入自己的生活。你会觉得被侵犯了。但是假如你想要解脱，你就必须出让出某种程度的自由，必须牺牲某些东西，这种牺牲大到辞职搬到尼泊尔去住小到每天必须念够1080遍莲师心咒或是不许留超过五厘米的胡子，这些是你所必须支付的自由代价。这其实是在帮你重塑纪律性，是在为你的“自我”慢慢放血。当你有了上师，你就不能再像过去那样放逸、那样随心所欲，你不能不请假就消失无踪，不能吃大蒜，不能打扮的像是Lady Gaga，或是不能打扮的不像Lady Gaga。相比过去，你多了很多事情，因为每晚必须参加在线共修，所以你再也不能像过去那样躺在沙发上和老婆一起等着看脱口秀。因为你必须把这个时间段空出来。但这就是我们为了终极自由证悟所必须支付的代价，是我们必须遵循的纪律。纪律能帮助我们找回对自己的控制力，帮我们重建良好的习惯。除此之外，在金刚乘里，这样的行为通常还蕴含着更深奥的含义，如果我们能全力配合上师，就能把每天的日常生活变成修行，这就是所谓的以上师为道。它能在短时间内让你的“自我”失能、让它瓦解，让它失去对你的掌控力，从而证悟无我。

而在传统的佛教修持中，团体的力量通常会被视为最重要的外在力量。假如你身处真正的修行团体，你的修行就可能得到很大的助力。因为修行团体的纪律本身就是对“自我”习气的最大杯葛和阻挠——它就是专门设计出来和“自我”过不去的。它把“自我”封闭在极小的空间里，让它无法喘息。因为缺乏远见，很多人并不知道“自我”被放纵的可怕后果，他们只能体验到“自我”带来的好处，却未能体验到“自我”的坏处。从佛教的角度来说，我们之所以要约束“自我”，是因为大部分人相信“自我”的存在，因为相信“自我”的存在，又看过很多满足“自我”导致幸福的演示，所以他们误以为满足“自我”即幸福之道。从实际操作而言，大多数人确实能从中收获不少快乐。但是有远见的佛教大师告诉我们这是一条至苦之道，是一条刀尖舔血之途。你可以理解那是在用十万年的牢狱换取一秒钟的快乐。所以佛陀和大师们都在致力于让我们证悟无我。他们所设计出的道路很重要的一个环节就是纪律。我们之所以需要纪律是因为我们大多数人都无法自律。在今天我们尤其不能自律，你能管住自己不去看手机不去点擦边视频吗？我们对自己非常宽容，这让我们早已失去对“自我”的掌控，靠我们自己几乎完全无法做到自律。只有当我们生活在一个团体里时，才可能被迫放弃自己的习气。这就是僧团制度的由来之一。假如你是在一个团体里修行，和八个人同住一间屋子，你就不能由着自己的性子想干什么就干什么，你不能因为自己不想睡觉就开着灯，因为其他人要睡觉。所以你只能服从，只能遵循大众的习惯。而遵循大众的习惯是一个好的开端。这是夺回你对自己控制力的第一步。是“自我”第一次战败。假如一个人一直都是由着自己的性子，他就只会越来越糟糕。他会逐渐失去对自己的掌控力，到最后积重难返即便是想改也已经无能为力。我见过很多在宠溺中长大的人。他们中的有些人不会做饭、不会自己洗澡、上高中了还需要人接送，所以如果我是老板我绝不会想要招这样的人。因为他们绝对是灾难。这样的人也绝对无法修行。因为修行比自己洗澡要复杂一百万倍。这是最极端的例子。还有些不那么极端的：这样的人虽然平时看上去待人接物一切如常，但他们不能被指责。一旦被指责就会暴走——他们大概是从小到大从未被指责过。这都是被惯坏了的人。像这样的人，他们不习惯服从，不习惯别人教他们做事，更不习惯被指责。所以他们首先要学习守规矩，学习遵循团体的节奏。假如你连守规矩都做不到，其他的就更不要谈了。当你有纪律的时候，你才能坚持去做一件事。如果你不想去做一件事，你也能轻易从中抽身。这是那些有纪律的人。而那些缺乏纪律的人，他们很容易陷入各种拖延症和“自我”怀疑之中。不守规矩会让他们短暂体验到反叛的快感，他们会误以为这就是自由，但是这种“自由”就像是吸毒一样会上瘾，你会越来越沉醉于不守规矩的快感中，失去对自己的掌控，同时他也瓦解了你的心力，最后导致各方面的无能，让你产生严重的挫败感。这样的人无法坚持、无法持续、更加无法专注，这种不稳定的状态对修行者而言是非常糟糕的消息。所以，只有当你开始遵循团体的节奏，开始约束自我，开始管束习气，那些导致你堕落的东西才可能被控制住。你的贪嗔痴、你的欲望，它们不可能自己消失。即便你明白它们是你的敌人，你也依然会管不住自己，你的贪嗔痴会自顾自运行，仅凭佛教理论完全无法拖住它们。因为“自我”太过强大，你会被习气带着走，完全无法控制自己。所以，对大多数人而言，他们只有长期呆在一个团体里，在被严格管束的情况下，他们的习气才会逐渐失去养分，逐渐枯萎。

在所有的佛教修行传统里，自律和他律都是非常重要的。基本上，在我们开始修行的时候必须要有人管着我们，必须要有一个你真正敬畏的人，这个人对你有权威，可以对你发号施令，你也非常信任他，知道他是在为你疗伤，知道过程可能会很疼。在开始的时候你必须有个这样的老师。不要迷信自己的自制力，在缺乏强大外力干涉的情况下，你的自制力基本上很难维持，很快就会松懈。所以有个能在你犯错的时候及时指出能拉着你往前走能关心你修行的人至关重要。像我们这样我执深重又叛逆的人，即便是有人管着，还经常会想要偷懒钻空子，经常会打擦边球，何况是没有人管。我见过很多没有人管的“修行者”的惨状，他们的“自我”会把他们所有的修行都吞噬，会把他的一切都转化成“自我”的养料。但他们对此全无知觉。所以，在很长一段时间里，你都必须要有人管着你，必须有人告诉你应该做什么，告诉你什么事情绝对不能做。我们的“自我”被娇惯了这么多年，它非常不习惯有个人管着自己，不习惯有人对自己发号施令。但这仍是必须的。缺乏他律，基本上你的修行就无法上路。仅凭你自己，根本没可能对抗如此强大的习气，更加无法对抗魔王，只有在经过长时间的纪律训练之后，你才可能有强大的自律。基本上，那是在帮你养成一种新的生活习惯，这种新的生活习惯是你未来的修行中所不可或缺的。在佛教的戒律里，最初都是行为上的戒律，你必须管束你的行为，不要杀生，不要偷盗，不要邪淫。我们必须先从行为上开始，脱离那个舒适圈，然后才能上升到心。所以让自己四点多就爬起来参加法会、每周驱车去看望上师或是陪上师去旅行，这些大都是行为上的约束。然后你要慢慢习惯和各种你不喜欢的人共处，习惯上师的独断，习惯各种不习惯的事情。你必须要管住你的嘴，管住你的心，管住你的习气，最后管住你的无明。当你慢慢习惯了这些你不习惯的东西，你的业障开始减少，习气开始变的稀薄，你对自己的管束力越来越强，你开始不再被外在的事物分心，开始能看到自己的贪嗔痴，看到自己的起心动念。这是真正修行的开始。只有当你足够成熟的时候才能够自己修行，大多数修行者在大多数时间都必须依靠团体的力量才能修行。即便是米勒日巴这样的人，也在上师处呆了六年，之后才是一个人修行。大多数没有真修行过的人无法想象修行的复杂程度，无法想象自己会遭遇什么，无法想象魔王的诡诈狡猾，他们把修行想的很简单。因为缺乏纪律和自律，他们���修行经常让步于习气，他们完全依靠“自我”的想当然和舒适度来安排修行，这让他们很快就沦为了“自我”的牺牲品。可以说，缺乏纪律，你就无法修行。而没有纪律，就很难有自律。没有自律，你就无法真正坐下来培养观察力，就无法看到自己的贪嗔痴，无法约束身心，更加无法改变、无法证悟。

灵山居士写于2025年3月18日，首发于2025年3月20日。

[super-paper]

Shiggy is going to suffer one of the worst mental breakdown in all anime and manga after seeing Bakugou get revived by Edgeshot next chapter. 💀

TOMURA.EXE HAS CRASHED

More seriously, tho:

I get that people are frustrated that we've only been getting snippets of Tomura and Izuku's """""fight""""" (even tho it couldn't be more obv that Tomura has just been fucking around this entire time lmaoooo), but imo, Hori is attempting to painstakingly set the stage with all its key players before he completely shifts focus onto saving Tomura (Like, I've had a feeling that Toshi/Bkgo were gonna be key players in saving Tomura for awhile now-- so Hori needed to dedicate adequate time to getting them both "in place," so to speak. And Hori depicting them both getting saved -against all odds- to shake Tomura up is just the cherry on top of everything, bc like, *points* ur next, buddy!)

Like, the eventual payoff for the amount of time and care Hori has spent setting this final stretch of the story up is gonna be so worth it.

Also, this expression honestly strikes me as a look of total awe. No matter how quickly he tries to collect himself and get “back into character” in the subsequent scene, in this moment Tomura was rendered speechless by the idea that something that “broke”— something that HE “broke”— was actually fixed.

Anyway! I’m pr sure things are about to reach their breaking point in the next few chapters— Izuku is seconds away from the inevitable blowback of using the second’s quirk again, and the narrative is basically flashing “it’s gonna be bad this time” above his head in big neon lights. Tomura has essentially been playing around with Izuku this whole time/has made zero effort to actually kill Izuku, but now he’s about to enter crisis mode bc his worldview and self-perceptions are both being challenged (“if broken things can be fixed, if things that *i* broke can be fixed, if people are actually willing to go that far to fix something that broke, then—*fatal runtime error*“)

I imagine Tomura is finally gonna start attacking Izuku for realsies once he reboots in safemode, and Izuku being unable to adequately defend himself is gonna drag Bakugo over to their battle instead of keeping AFO occupied (where AFO, being the shameless opportunist that he is, is promptly gonna take advantage of Tomura’s breakdown to reassert control + inject the synthetic quirk into Tomura). But Hori also has a way of defying expectations, so, we'll just have to waitnsee.

[siriusblackdevotee]

love your head canons and thoughts (I lowks agree with your recent thoughts on the black brothers.. but lowks i’m a regulus apologist </3)

ANYYYWHOOO

I know you’re sirius centric but I wondering what are your thoughts on Lily x Barty? because it feels like they’d be the embodiment of “He was a punk, she did Ballet”

MY SECOND ASK??? ABT BARTYLILY??

oh no, did I say anything like Regulus is the worse sibling? I didn't mean to, I don't think either of them would be good with the way they were raised. (And nothing wrong with being an apologist to your favorite characters, it's normal!!)

And anyways yes?? I love BartyLily!! But i had to search up this song lyric, so I don't get the exact vibe you mean but I've read the lyrics!! I'll just wordvomit everything I think about them. It'll be messy btw. The summary is that it's a good ship and they CAN be good for each other. Also I'm willing to talk about anything (if I'm capable) even if it's not Sirius related, thank you for asking!!

(I'm SO sorry about the late reply, this has been in my drafts for 5-4 days now. IM SORRY, I HAVE FINALS I WASNT IGNORING YOU)

The fact that Lily is a muggle born and a girl, there's a lot of discrimination and stereotypes she faces but it only pushes her to work harder to defy those expectations. She's the star student, a prefect, the head girl, a teacher's pet, getting full marks on everything, always has her work done, always answering questions and getting points for her house. She's commonly found in the library studying, or in the common room studying, or in her room studying.

And she's burning out. She keeps declining her friend's hangouts to study because if she falls behind even once, she'll lose her spot. She's losing friendships and she doesn't even have any other hobbies, there's nothing helping her destress. At some point, she did love studying but with the pressure she places on herself and the responsibilities she took, it felt like a duty now.

Barty absolutely despises his father. He wants to be nothing like him. Everything he does or does to himself, it's to make his father disappointed in him, he's a rebel to his core. This meant constantly missing classes, failing tests, grades, getting detentions from misbehaving, getting into fights. He thrives in pain, from hidden tattoos to piercings and purposely getting himself beaten up. He builds himself a reputation that's a complete opposite from Lily.

But he's losing himself. It all started with wanting to rebel against his father but now he feels like he's turning into some violent animal, still not his father but worse than him. He's getting too quick to anger and violence, too addicted. His friends are either used to him being so destructive or he himself completely iced them out when they were genuinely worried for him, telling him he has to see what he was becoming.

Now I have no idea how they meet, like really meet. Maybe Lily is having a breakdown because of academic pressure and all, goes to an isolated spot and oh look who's here, Barty that's slacking off because this is his usual smoking spot or whatever. Lily is too tired from her breakdown to tell him off about the smoking or not being in class. Barty isn't really himself because one of his closest friends just dropped him (Pandora, definitely would stick with him longest) because of his spiraling behavior.

Anyway, so their defenses are at the lowest here?? Their sharp edges are softened or something. Does Barty offer his cigarette to a girl that looks like she clearly needs it or does Lily take the first step and ask for one with her Gryffindor bravery?

Barty is a little curious about her. He's smoking with Lily Evans. She obviously has a reputation as the smartest witch of their school. A goody two shoes. Lily is curious of him too. He's already famous for being a bad company, the school's bad boy if you will but all he did was offer/give a cigarette and just smoke with her quietly. Their perception of each other from what they've heard contrasts with what they're seeing. Of course they're curious.

Then Lily keeps seeking him out. Because this was the first time she broke rules, didn't get caught, and pretty much nothing else happened to her. It was exhilarating, she forgot about school for a second and she wants that feeling more. (Not the smoking, the rule breaking).

And Barty is just desperate for normal human interactions since he pretty much has no friends now. So he lets her keep coming. It convinces him that he's not a monster, not yet at least. Otherwise she wouldn't be seeking him out so much.

Maaybee one time Barty didn't bring his pack? Maybe they're just skipping classes together now? In silence first but after some reluctant conversation, they're fully talking? Getting to know each other now? Maybe Barty offers to "get out of here" so now they're off campus? Rule breaking together?

I have no idea what they do off campus but it's rule breaking, so Lily is hella excited. They could just be at a park, chilling because the other things Barty usually does (eg, vandalism) is too much for Lily, the chronic rule follower. So Barty tones it down.

Maybeee they can't always hang out during classes. Maybe they're craving each other's company because they're literal loners. Maybe Barty is joining Lily in her study sessions at the library, because what else can he do? He can't disturb her. Maybe at some point, Lily is tutoring Barty? Because he's so far behind?

When she's tutoring Barty, she's going over old material. She's studying but it doesn't feel like a burden anymore because she's doing it for Barty, which she isn't even pressured to do. She likes these tutoring sessions.

Plus the fact that Barty is naturally smart so it's not frustrating her. He picks things up easily, he's catching up, his grades are visibly improving even though he doesn't care. He cares when Lily is praising him for his grades.

They're bonding, they don't even remember what made them so angsty. Barty stopped being violent because all he does is spend time studying or skipping class with Lily. Lily stopped panicking and breaking down because the whole "proving herself" shit doesn't matter when she's studying or skipping class with Barty. They feel like themselves again.

There's definitely stolen kisses at the library or hook ups in the bathroom stalls or at restaurants. They do develop an intimate relationship at some point.

And thennnnn Lily is being pulled aside by a concerned McGonagall because her grades have been dropping and she's been neglecting her prefect/head girl duties or maybe she sees a pure blood take her first place at the end of the year and hears demeaning comments for it. Then Barty Senior is saying how proud he is because Barty stopped getting into detentions and his grades have been improving until he was actually a high achiever.

It's a violent whiplash and they realize the other is a bad influence. Being told "I'm proud of you" by your father was the same as becoming him and it disgusted Barty. Hearing those discriminating comments made Lily realize what all her effort was about, and she's kicking herself for ever forgetting.

And they break up!! But it's okay cause they're a fundamental part of each other's growth!! Barty isn't just a violent kid anymore, no longer self destructive!! Lily now knows how to take a breather every now and then!! And then they get their friends back!! Because Lily makes time for them and Barty isn't spiraling!! Happy ending!! :3

I mean I do have like a couple more thoughts but...its a mess in my head rn

[8-evil-annoying-catboys]

trying to separate the trans community into two categories will never fucking work. it’s not that simple. even if it seems like it should be that simple, there will be people you would sort into one category in theory who will fall into the other category, and people who do not fall into either category, and people who fall into both categories (either at the same time, or at different times or in different situations, depending, obviously, on the nature of the categories/dichotomy). this is especially true if you think of these categories, in your mind, as being based on coercively assigned birth sex, when by the actual definition you use they are not actually based on that, but based on, for example, perception by our oppressors, or self-identification, or individuals’ opinions, or anything else.

arguing about who goes where, and trying to exclude each other, and not listening to each other only hurts us. seeing each other as freaks (in a negative way), basing your activism exclusively on people who you see as being the same as you, refusing to acknowledge either systemic patterns OR individual lived experiences that defy the expectations set in place by systemic patterns, and ANY OTHER INFIGHTING only hurts us. if we’re going to survive the current political climate, it is of the utmost importance that we STOP FUCKING FIGHTING EACH OTHER and start fucking PROTECTING each other.

transunity is the only way we will make it out of this without being, at best, battered down and chased out of more and more and more places until there is nowhere left for us to feel safe, and at worst, fucking massacred. stop parroting gender essentialist AND bioessentialist rhetoric. stop beating up our own for slight missteps and misunderstandings.

and don’t you DARE read this and think that i’m not talking to you. i’m even talking to myself, partially, bc we all have biases to unlearn and i’m not exempt, bc literally no one fuckin is.

follow other trans people who have different opinions than you (but, like, not if they directly hate on people like you bc that’s bad for your mental health, i’m not saying that, i’m saying bridge the gap). follow intersex people, whether they are trans or not. follow multigender, genderqueer, agender, nonbinary people, and make a point to seek out those who were not coercively assigned the same sex at birth as you were, and those who are intersex especially if you’re perisex. follow binary trans people who are not the same gender as you. follow trans people who ARE the same gender as you but are intersex. widen your horizons and break out of your echo chamber. for the love of the entire community, PLEASE seek out bloggers who are vocal about transunity. if you safely can, then go to pride and other irl community events/spaces. seek out irl trans friends of as many different genders as you can possibly find.

just. god. please. stop fighting. we need to use that energy to protect our WHOLE community. we will have time to settle intracommunity disputes once it’s safer for us to exist in general. it sucks that we have these disputes in the first place, and i want to solve them as much as the next person, but they are not the same as the vitriol we are facing from all directions.

and maybe, just maybe, if we actually fight as siblings and protect each other, we can break down our own biases during that fight, and the intracommunity issues will be less intense by the end. it’s not guaranteed, and if it does happen, it won’t apply to every single person in the whole community, but… still… wouldn’t that be nice???? if we all gained a better understanding of people in our community who aren’t the same as us???? don’t you want that, too??

[the-lunar-library]

TO THE RAVENS

Tanais, Akantha's mother and a skilled midwife. She lives her life in careful devotion to the gods, as if by some mathematical equation, her piety and obedience will keep her and her loved ones in the gods' favor. But she's perceptive enough to realize that doesn't work, and she copes by telling herself humans are helpless before the gods, and the best she can do is accept their trials. She lives in fear for Akantha's well-being – especially when Akantha has the recklessness to blaspheme against the gods themselves.

Tanais (original name Eusebia, “pious”, extremely on the nose) was at first a much more negative and narrow character. Akantha was always intended to be a rebel, and her mother embodied everything she wanted to resist – family expectations, cultural boundaries, and most of all religious strictures. That tension is still there in the novel, but Eusebia was going to be an anxious, constricting presence, full of warnings and outright anger against her defiant daughter.

But time went on and Eusebia started to change, grow more sympathetic. I started to dig into her backstory. And (I know I keep saying this, but it's still true) I did research into the lives of women in Greek culture, women under Roman rule. And there's so much we don't know about them, but one thing we do know in fair detail – because men were interested in it and thus wrote about it – is midwifery. Not all of their medical know-how holds up today, but midwifery was a profession where women displayed skill, intelligence, and authority. And unlike in the stateroom or in the temples or just in marriage, period, this was a place where their power wasn't seen as threatening to men. They were allowed to flourish; even enslaved midwives were seen as notably valuable, which sounds dark (because it is), but it still represents stature, importance.

So while Tanais (she stopped being Eusebia) in many ways chains herself to convention, largely out of fear and uncertainty, she has a means of supporting herself, of dealing with men on a somewhat more equal level, and of helping other women. She wouldn't see herself as a champion of women, as Kokkonas does, and many of the things Akantha does appall her. Some people like to smugly interpret that “Well behaved women rarely make history” line, as if the only value in a woman's life comes from defying norms. Tanais doesn't defy norms, she doesn't make history, but she really does help people.

And her having that role might be why her character ended up softening, becoming more sympathetic to the reader. She and Akantha still are in conflict, Akantha's still angry with her at times, Tanais still does things that might shock the reader, but hopefully there's a stronger bond of sympathy between her and her daughter. Hopefully the reader gets an understanding of why Tanais is the way she is, the sort of pressures she's faced. If Kokkonas has partially defied convention, Tanais has protected herself within it. I'm sure the reader won't agree with all of her decisions, but hopefully they can understand her.

Tanais is Akantha's mom and Karyai's stepmom; there's some resemblance with her daughter, but Karyai and Akantha more closely resemble their shared father. As for her name, during my pre-writing, I spent a fair bit of time flipping through my Latin dictionary, looking for interesting words and potential names, and that's where I found Tanais. (Which is a Greek name, but you find lots of Greek names and terms in Latin.) I really liked the sound of it, much more than Eusebia. Tanais is an ancient name for the Don river. Which, I agree, isn't the most logical choice for a woman who lives on the Moon. But I thought about it, and I don't think it's that unusual for people to name their kids after places they've not only never been, but never have any expectation of seeing. It's not like we don't give our kids names that relate to the Moon, like Luna and Selena. And, being so much larger, planet Earth would loom in the lunar sky pretty inescapably. So let's just say there's a custom among lunar peoples to name their children after things from Earth.

[slutsukio]

⋆˙꒰ SUKI'S ORIGINAL CHARACTERZ .ᐟ ꒱ prior to delving into my ocs, please acknowledge that every character that is presented on my profile are exclusively and personally owned by me. i have placed blood, sweat and tears into these characters, as well as their whole being + making. please do not plagarize + steal my layout, nor my characters.

☆ !? xoxo, yours truly !? ⋆

⋆˙kaito malikai jackson .ᐟᝰ

꩜ names + etymology. the name kaito has japanese origins. in japanese, if you split kaito's name in half, kai means "sea", and to means "fly", so all of it put together, his name can be interpreted ti mean "flying across the ocean." the name malikai is a variant of the more common name, malachi. the origin of the name malikai is hebrew, meaning "my messenger" or "messenger of God." lastly, the name jackson has english origins and is a patronymic surname, meaning it originally indicated "son of jack."

꩜ nicknames. kai, which is used by literally everyone.

꩜ family. kaito's parents, isaiah and amani, met at a wedding. it wasn't anything special, just talking about life, before isaiah asked amani if she wanted to go out some time. one thing led into another, and they soon got engaged themselves! while engaged, they had kaito. isaiah is a retired boxer, who now works as a personal trainer. and amani is a ghostwriter as well as a poet. kaito, doesn't have any siblings.

꩜ prns + gender + sexuality. kaito, an individual with a nuanced and unique identity, consciously embraces the use of he/they pronouns as an expression of their multifaceted self. in matters of romantic and emotional inclinations, kaito defies traditional expectations, expressing an appreciation for individuals of all genders, demonstrating a fluidity that transcends a specific taste or preference in terms of gender identity. despite his openness to diverse romantic connections, kaito steadfastly identifies as male, a core aspect of his self-perception that remains unwavering, signaling a resolute commitment to their identity that shows no intention of changing in the foreseeable future.

꩜ zodiacs. kaito is a pisces. pisces's navigate life with a unique blend of untuition and imagination, making them well-suited for artistic pursuits, and roles that require empathy and understanding. at times, their challenge lies in finding a balance between their dreamy inclinations and the practicalities of the everyday world. with a sun in pisces, kaito is known for his intuitive and empathetic nature. they tend to be compassionate, artistic, and deeply connected to their emotions, he is also an imaginative dreamers with a strong sense of creativity and spirituality. his moon in scorpio causes for his emotions to run deep. scorpio moons are intense, passionate, and determined. he has a strong sense of loyalty and can be incredibly insightful, making him excellent at understanding the motives of themself and others. finally, with a rising in leo, it adds a touch of confidence, charisma, and theatrical flair to his personality. leo risings often have a strong presence, love being in the spotlight, and radiate a warm, magnetic energy. they have a natural ability to lead and inspire others.

꩜ birthdate. march 6th, 2003.

꩜ age. 20.

꩜ race + ethnicity. blasian (jamaican + japanese). blasians, a vibrant fusion of jamaican and japanese heritage, embody a rich tapestry woven from the cultural threads of the caribbean and the far east. this unique blend encompasses the spirited rhythm of jamaican life and the serene elegance inherent in japanese traditions. from the sun-soaked shores of jamaica to the tranquil landscapes of japan, kaito carries the essence of two diverse worlds within his identity.

꩜ languages. english, japanese, jamaican patois (currently learning).

꩜ height. 6'1.

꩜ eye candy. angelino amari.

꩜ college major. kaito is pursuing his career by attaining his bachelors in archaeology.

꩜ hobbies. songwriting, poem writing, painting, thrifting, taking photos, journaling, lock picking (dont ask), collecting vintage items.

꩜ pets. none!

꩜ music taste. steve lacey, typer the creator, odd future, kids see ghosts, baby keem, mf doom, madlib, pete rock, sublime, slightly stoopid, tame impala, vince staples, death grips, joey bada$$, kendrick lamar, childish gambino.

꩜ birthplace. amid the diverse boroughs of new york, the bronx is know for it's vibrant upbringing in new york's dynamic urban landscape. a bustling borough within the heart of the city that never sleeps, bronx is known for its rich cultural tapestry, pulsating energy, and a history deeply intertwined with the rhythm of new york. dominated by the iconic silhouette of the yankee stadium, a symbol synonymous with the spirit of baseball and triumph, the bronx boasts an eclectic mix of neighborhoods, each with its own unique charm. from the historic grand concourse, adorned with art deco architecture, to the vibrant south bronx, a hub of creativity and cultural expression, the borough is a mosaic of communities that weave together tales of diversity and strength. as the sun sets over the city that never sleeps, the bronx skyline transforms into a captivating tableau of lights, mirroring the dreams, aspirations, and untold stories that unfold within its bustling streets.

꩜ mbti. enfp is a personality type with the extraverted, intuitive, feeling, and prospecting traits. these people tend to embrace big ideas and actions that reflect their sense of hope and goodwill toward others. their vibrant energy can flow in many directions. enfp's are curious, perceptive, entusiastic, excellent communicators, easygoing, good-natured, and positive. they are also people-pleasing, unfocused, disorganized, overly accommodating, overly optimistic, and restless.

꩜ personality quirks. obsessed with teeth jewelry and tattoos. kaito is ambidextrous. has a THICK bronx accent. this nigga has no matching socks, and if he does, he'll always end up losing one of the pairs. majority of his jeans are bigger than him. he never irons his clothes. spends too much money on clothes. is always suspicious of new people. kaito can literally sleep anywhere, anytime. he's always licking his lips too, like a lil weirdo.

꩜ personality 101. kaito is compassionate, empathetic, intuitive, confident, energetic, perceptive, and resillient. kaito is also indecisive, stubborn, jealous, secretive, and egotistical.

꩜ job. kaito stands out as a dynamic bartender at a lively bar, showcasing exceptional skills in crafting a diverse range of drinks tailored to the eclectic tastes of patrons. his proficiency in mixology is evident as he masterfully blends ingredients to create unique and flavorful concoctions that leave a lasting impression on customers. beyond the bar counter, kaito reveals another facet of his personality as a highly creative individual with a passion for the arts. during the rare moments when the bustling nights don't occupy his time, kaito channels his artistic skills into creating captivating visuals. transforming a blank canvas into an ethereal masterpiece, he brings his imaginative touch to life, showcasing a side of creativity that extends beyond the realm of mixology.

꩜ likes. astronomy, archaeology, fossils, comics, mountains urban exploring, fashion, thrifting, writing, painting, road trips, track, romance books, traditional jamaican + japanese food, keeping old movie tickets, headphones, chalk, social events, angelino *giggles*, skating (skateboarding + rollerskating), lego sets, patterned/weird socks, biking, uno.

꩜ dislikes. easter, too-nice neighbors, incense, throwing rocks, ugly sweaters, hiking, being too early, cemeteries, logic puzzles, pranks, moshpits, talking during movies, messy eaters, politics, facial hair, fungi, deers, inconsistency from people, hot air balloons, scarecrows, mazes, darts, boring documentaries, cold water, hot temperatures, heavyhanded people, necromancy.

❁ suki speaking — kaito is a mix of tyler the creator + vinz from mfkz, and has a gay crush on his best friend lolz :3, enjoy!