#did i just see that in the transcript and go ‘wait a fucking second’? yes yes i did

[acearchivist359]

okay so i started relistening to tmagp and i’m reading the transcripts and i don’t know if this is gonna mean anything to anyone but it got my attention so i feel i just have to point this out but colin’s drinking tea in the first episode….. which at the time would have meant exactly nothing but with all the tea vs coffee theories people have made since ……….

[atlxolotl]

Transcript and links to Reddit under the Read more:

I miss my husband so goddamn much

February 27th, 2025

I (35M) divorced my husband (36M) three years ago. And God, I miss him. I asked for a divorce for a few reasons, most of which being that his depression got exponentially worse day after day and he refused to seek treatment. Sometimes he wouldn't even go into work and ended up getting fired from his job. I stayed with him for so fucking long, praying that one day he would start trying to get better. It was all I ever wanted, but that day didn't come. I sobbed the entire time signing those papers, and when I handed them to him and asked for a divorce, he just gave me the emptiest, deadest look and signed them without a word. My heart felt like it had been shattered with a hammer, anger and sadness and fear tied together in the world's tightest, ugliest knot and inset deep into my chest.

I put on a brave face for my friends, tried to frame it as shackles coming off and a new beginning, but it was a lie. It just hurt, and it keeps hurting, and it will never stop hurting. He was my soulmate. I'll never love anyone like I loved him. He used to be so sweet and loving, so passionate and happy and every other wonderful thing a man could want from another.

They say each day gets easier, but it isn't for me. It's been three years and I'm still reaching over to the other side of the bed in the morning to pull him close, and it always stings when my hands touch fabric and not his skin. It's been three years and I'm still expecting to see his car in the driveway when I get home from work. It's been three years and my heart isn't any less broken than the day he left.

I've been stalking his socials, I'll admit. He's been getting back to the gym, started meds, and I see him smiling so genuinely in these photos. He looks so incredible. Maybe if I had just waited, he would have changed his mind and went to a doctor like he is now? Or was it me that held him down? Was I making it worse?

I hope not. I wanna go over to his place and just fall into his arms and beg him to take me back. Maybe he's wishing the same thing about me. If there's even a chance I could have my boy back I feel like I should try. I'll never know otherwise.

EDIT: One: I am a homosexual man. My husband is a homosexual man. I am not a woman. Yes, I know I'm effeminate and kind of emotional. Get creative.

Two: my husband was a binge drinker. He refused treatment no matter how much I begged. We got antidepressants but he wouldn't take them. I know he's started meds now because he's posted about them and his 2 yrs sober chip that he got last month.

Three: I never stopped loving him. I never loved him any less. Near the end of our marriage, I started drinking to cope. The second I realized I was, I realized he was dragging me down with him, and I couldn't help him anymore. I didn't dip the second it got hard. Many of you are being kind of rude. I'll accept that I wasn't the perfect husband, nobody is. But claims that I never loved him are just wrong and make me feel sick to my stomach.

EDIT 2: No, I am not the catalyst for this. His depression started when his young brother died terribly and unexpectedly. It's not because he just hated me so much. We were childhood sweethearts and had been together for years when this happened.

[UPDATE] I met my husband that I divorced 3 years ago

March 2nd, 2025

Well, with Reddit's advice, I did it. A few days ago, I called my (35M) ex-husband (36M) whom I divorced after 6 years when he refused to seek treatment for his depression.

I called him later in the evening. It was the first time we'd spoken since a bit of trouble he'd had while he was still drinking 2 1/2 years ago. He picked up on the second ring. Our conversation was a little stilted at first, as to be expected, but he said he was really glad to hear from me. We ended up meeting up for coffee yesterday as so many of you suggested. I'll admit: it was kind of hard to see him, but in a good way? He looked so much better than the last time I had seen him, but he looked exactly like the man I married. He had put off a ton of weight (he gained like 75ish pounds during his struggle with depression, and before some dick says so, I didn't leave him because of his weight gain), he looked way healthier and very put together. I'll just say it: he looked incredibly hot. What made it hard was that I couldn't kiss him hello like I used to. But God, the way his eyes lit up when he saw me, I barely needed to.

We got our coffee and sat, and he updated me a little on his life in the last 3 years.

What really turned his life around was in part the divorce but moreso a DUI (nobody was hurt, he was caught a few blocks from his apartment). He's since gone to rehab and AA, gotten his license back, and had to use a breathalyzer whenever he started his car for a while. He hasn't had a drop of alcohol since and I told him I was so fucking proud of him. He's also started antidepressants, and made a point of telling me that they're not SSRIs, but when I asked what that meant he got embarrassed and told me nevermind (???). Bottom line is that they've been helping him, he's back to being a gym rat, and he's almost completely turned his life around. This was around the point I started tearing up. It just felt so good knowing he was okay. Better than okay, he was *good*.

I also apologized to him for not sticking by him. He cut me off and said I had nothing to apologize for. He was a wreck, and I was being dragged down with him. That also felt good to hear. I apologized for not contacting him much during the last 3 years. That apology, he accepted.

He was dating someone for a few months, too. He broke up with him once he tried to get him to drink on New Year's. He seemed dismissive of the guy. Guess it wasn't too serious.

We got up and went on a walk after a few hours, and I think we both realized it felt like a first date. I had to stop myself from trying to hold his hand at a few points, I'll admit. We ended up sitting on a bench in a nearby park, and I confessed.

I told him I missed him more than anything, how I never stopped loving him, and how if he wanted to, I'd love to try again from the beginning this time. We'd go to couples' therapy, keep our heads above the water, and take it slow. He was quiet for a minute before he told me something. He said he was doing better now, but there may be a time where he sunk low again. Depression isn't easily cured, and he was far from cured. He still had bad days, but he said there would be one difference: he promised he would never stop trying to improve. He was never going to give up like he did before, and refused to neglect me like he used to. If I was willing to accept that truth, he was willing to try again. I agreed, and he pulled me into an embrace and snuck a kiss to my temple. You know when it's the first warm day of spring after a cold, harsh winter, and the soft breeze and basking sun hit your skin at the same time? It felt something like that, to the 1000th degree. After a while he walked me back to my car and squeezed my hand goodbye, and the second I got inside I started sobbing like a baby. Happy tears, though.

I'm currently sitting in bed, kicking my feet like a teenage girl, texting him back and forth to schedule an actual date. He said he'd plan everything, and try his best to make up for the birthdays and anniversaries he missed. He said it would "knock my socks off." What a dork. I love being in love. Not gonna lie, this is gonna be a bit hard to explain to my friends and family. Not looking forward to those conversations, but right now I don't care. My man loves me.

Thank you to everyone who had kind words to say, and all the people that messaged me with sympathy and advice. I hope we all find happiness, and love if we want it. I never would have made the leap if y'all hadn't encouraged me. Best of luck to all of you, and sorry for the overly flowery language <3

EDIT: we've scheduled a date for tomorrow evening. I'll let people know how it went two days from now in my final (unless something big happens) update.

EDIT 2: at his place presently. Shame me not, reddit.

[FINAL UPDATE] I went on a date with my ex-husband last night

March 5th, 2025

My (35M) ex-husband (36M) and I recently reconnected. I won't go over the details of why we split or our reconciliation since I'm sure the average redditor can click buttons and most likely read. He was the one taking me out, and promised that it would, in his words, "knock my socks off" to make up for his neglect of me. He sure as hell delivered.

A little backstory, we've been together since we were 15 and 16 respectively, and have never moved out of our hometown. This year would have been our 20th anniversary (of getting together, not marriage). We were dating secretly for about five years before our parents caught us one day during summer break. The fallout from finding out their son was gay actually made his parents split. His dad wanted to send him away to conversion therapy. He's seen his father maybe once per year on average, and every time he's incredibly cold towards me. Would never refer to me as his son-in-law, only my husband's "pal." I wonder why. Anyway, not what you're here to read. I'll get on with the lore.

He picked me up from the house and wouldn't tell me where we were going, but told me to dress warmly. He ended up taking me to the place where we met: a run down ice skating rink in our town. He used to do hockey, and I spent some time trying to learn figure skating until people started beating me up for it. Both sports would practice at the same time and I remember barely being able to keep my eyes off him. We went skating, I tried to pull off a few of the moves I remembered (he only had to catch me from falling on my ass once or twice, and I won't complain about an attractive man that I love hooking his arm around my waist), and we spent an hour or so there until our feet hurt. At one point I said that my face was getting cold, so he skated around in front of me and placed his gloved hands on my cheeks to warm me up. I just about burned a hole in the ice from how hard I was blushing, I swear to God.

He wasn't done then. We left and went to dinner, specifically the restaurant where we had our first date. It's a cheap hole-in-the-wall place, seeing as we were poor teenagers when we first met. We chatted and ate food that probably took 5 years off our lives, he was an incorrigible flirt, and even held my hand underneath the table like he did all those years ago. I know I said I never stopped loving him, and I stand by that, but I think I somehow fell in love with him a thousand times over again during that meal.

At the end of dinner, he asked if I had energy for one more simple thing, to which I agreed. He took me a while out of town to a dark sky zone park, specifically the one where he proposed to me ten years ago. He set out a blanket to sit on and another to cuddle under, and we went stargazing all bundled up together. You never know how much you miss the sound of someone's heartbeat until you haven't heard it for so long. We shared a bottle of sparkling grape juice in plastic champagne flutes and dumb, giggly kisses. It felt so similar yet so different. He told me in a moment of quiet that he loved me, and oh, God. It took everything I had not to cry. I barely hesitated before asking if he wanted to change venues. He seemed surprised, but eagerly accepted.

I ended up at his place, as some of you may have seen from my edit on my second post yesterday. I wanted to take it slower than this, but it was so hard to. I was so starved of affection and hadn't been intimate with anyone for just about six years. I'm gonna keep what happened at his between us, but all I'll say is that his medication was no issue and all of you should be jealous. I woke up in his bed this morning, reached over for him, and pulled him close just like I used to do. I haven't been this happy in a long time. We had a sleepy discussion and decided to get back together, but we're not using the term boyfriends. It just feels weird after all this time. So he's my partner, or my lover. He's mine.

Thank you, reddit. Wouldn't have done it without a little push from the internet. Let's see where all this goes.

[akawifeyy]

silly girl | smau (LN4)

description: the life of a comedian is full of laughter, but the biggest punchline? your experience with love.

tropes: chaos galore, he's obsessed with her, sunshine x sunshine, age gap (23 and 25), comedian!fem!reader

face claim: faith collins

trigger warnings: suggestive content, some mature jokes, swearing

| note: hehehe i love this fic 🫶

@ yourusername: dallas was incredible, i had the best time laughing with you all! a recorded video of tonight's show is posted at the link in my bio if you couldn't make it. see you next weekend in austin 😘

tagged: @ standupcomedy

comments (2567):

@ user1: Amazing shows! I went to Night 2 and I couldn't breathe, I was laughing so hard. Wish I bought tickets for the other two nights.

-> @ user2: sooo real, i got to see her in miami and i felt like my heart was going to explode from laughing

@ user3: Incredible job, so proud 💖

@ user4: Mother has fed us during this tour, I never want it to end

@ yourbffusername: SCREAMING CRYING, I love you SO much Y/N

@ f1: Just 3 more days until COTA! How are you gearing up for the Grand Prix?

tagged: @ mclaren, @ mercedes, @ redbullracing, & 6 more

comments (49584):

@ landonorris: Can't wait to be a cowboy again 🤠

@ user5: COTAAAA MY BELOVED

@ user6: so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@ user7: No because I'm actually a second away from crashing out because I just realized @ yourusername's show is at the same time as the Austin GP

-> @ user8: wait nonono you're joking 😭 i bought tickets too

10/19/25 at Y/N's Show (Transcript):

Y/N L/N: I feel like if I don't bring this up, the masses are going to come at me with pitchforks. (clearing throat) Today's a pretty big day in Austin. Um, Formula One is having its COTA Grand Prix.

Audience members: (whooping)

Y/N L/N: Yeah, looks like we have quite a few F1 fans in here. I'd kind of consider myself one, but please don't ask me what DRS stands for off the top of my head or what Ferrari's strategies are during races, because I wouldn't be able to tell you. But anyways, I found out that I scheduled this show at the same time as the GP.

Audience member: (loud yelling noise)

Y/N L/N: (breaks down laughing) Yep, I know. I'm sorry. I didn't realize. But I totally get it. Seeing a bunch of rich, hot men drive around in circles? Like, aw man, where did my pants go? I swear they were just on. (continues giggling) Seriously, though, some of those drivers? It should be illegal how attractive they are. Charles Leclerc, Lando Norris. Oh God, don't even get me started on Lando Norris.

Y/N L/N: (eyes widen dramatically) I never liked brunettes or Englishmen, but he might just make me change my mind.

Interview with Lando Norris (2025):

Interviewer: Have you seen the clips from Y/N L/N's most recent comedy show here in Austin?

Lando Norris: (laughs) Yes, I heard about it!

Interviewer: Thoughts?

Lando Norris: She's very funny. I like her sense of humor. But as for relationships, I have to focus on my racing, so I can't get distracted. Sorry!

10/20/25 at Y/N's Show (Transcript):

Y/N L/N: So... Yesterday's show. (makes popping sound with lips) Some of y'all, I feel like I need to ban you – and before you boo, let me explain why. I made jokes about Formula One drivers, and how hot they are, and a select few of you decided to out me? (mock gasp)

Y/N L/N: Yeah, I know! Fucking Lando Norris was interviewed about me! Isn't that insane? This ultra-rich motor sport driver was asked about some redhead girl who yaps for a living. And he called me funny? I need to put this on my resume.

Audience member: You two need to date!

Y/N L/N: The matchmaking is insane. Oh God, wait until my mother hears about this, then I'm actually cooked. I'm 23 years old, I have a lot of biological time left, but you're vultures! When is it going to end? And don't say, "When you get married to Lando Norris", because it's not happening. Sadly.

@ ynupdates: Contrary to popular belief, Y/N did have a boyfriend! This was way back in 2019 to 2022. His name is Emmett Ellgren, and they dated for three years until their mutual split. Since then, Y/N has poked fun at the relationship, but no substantial details have been released about their break up.

tagged: @ yourusername

comments (2942):

@ user9: HELP i forgot about emmett he's such an npc 😮‍💨

@ user10: emmett is no longer relevant to the lore

-> @ user2: The real man we should be paying attention to is Lando Norris

-> @ user8: i know omg 😭

comments (3842):

@ user11: They're both silly gooses, I'm scared to see the havoc they'll wreak together in McLaren 🥲

@ user12: i'll believe it when i see it

@ user13: Lando is too immature to have a stable girlfriend

-> @ user3: which is why Y/N's perfect, they'll be immature together 🥰

-> @ user4: This just proves you've never watched one of Y/N's shows before lmao

Y/N's Instagram Story (2025):

comments (8521):

@ user13: OMG OMG OMG IT'S STARTING

-> @ user14: I'm so glad I get to be alive during the LandoY/N era

@ user12: It'll be so funny if this turns out to be from Oscar or something 🙃

-> @ user15: HELP

Text Messages between Y/N and Lando (2025):

@ landonorris: P3 in Mexico! Awesome results

tagged: @ mclaren, @ f1, @ yourusername

comments (64312):

@ user16: ALERT ALERT Y/N HAS BEEN TAGGED

@ user13: guys i'm actually gonna combust 🫣🔥

-> @ user17: They're together, it has to be

@ yourusername: nice sombrero 😋

-> @ landonorris: Thank you!!!

Text Messages between Y/N and Lando (2025):

@ yourusername: hola mexico 🇲🇽

tagged: @ landonorris

comments (3846):

@ yourbffusername: Looks so fun!

-> @ yourusername: yes it was incredible

@ user10: laaandoooo i see you 👀

@ user18: How does it feel to be living my dream

@ landonorris: So glad you could make it, had a lot of fun talking to you

@ f1gossip: It is rumored that comedian Y/N L/N and McLaren driver Lando Norris are together, after Y/N posted a photo of her receiving paddock passes, and the pair responded to one another's posts about the Mexico Grand Prix.

tagged: @ yourusername, @ landonorris

comments (1293):

@ user9: i'm waitinggg

@ user10: this is worse than the wait for reputation tv

-> @ user18: clowning so hard i know 😖

@ user19: HAVE ANY OF YOU GUYS SEEN LANDO'S INSTA STORY? 🤯

Lando's Deleted Instagram Story:

comments (235):

@ user20: OMGOMGDSDKLSDDNS

@ user21: my eyes are not deceiving me, this is y/n

@ user5: Y/N IS THAT YOU 😳

@ landonorris: OK OK yes I give in, we are together. Happy one month, @ yourusername, I love you to the moon and back!

tagged: @ yourusername

comments (34852):

@ user21: classic Lando accidentally posting the wrong thing and outing himself

-> @ user22: idk what else we would expect from chaos incarnate 😭

@ yourusername: love you too, muppet 😘

Interview with Lando Norris (2025):

Interviewer: So, you've just recently announced that you're dating Y/N L/N!

Lando Norris: Yes, I'm really happy about it.

Interviewer: Any plans to bring her to the next race?

Lando Norris: Maybe, we'll see. (laughs and smiles) The paddock is a lot cheerier when she's there, so hopefully, fingers crossed. I'm very, very lucky to call her mine.

─── ୨୧ ─── THE END ─── ୨୧ ───

[stone-stars]

Transcript:

Murph: And then of course we've got Caldwell Tanner. Caldwell: Beverly Toegold V, a purposeful lad who's the dad of a turdis. [The others laugh] Emily: A turdis?? Jake: What the hell's a turdis, man? Caldwell: It's a turdis! Emily, laughing: What the fuck is a turdis?? Murph: I thought you were changing it to make it rhyme, but I'm… Jake: You-- it didn't rhyme and you made up a word. Caldwell: What do you mean? It's a turdis. What's wrong? Haven't you ever seen a turdis on the side of the road? Emily: Turdis is truly the most uncomfortable word! [Everyone laughs.] Emily: Why is it T-U-R-D-I-S. Caldwell: They got a big shill. There's a shill on your turdis. Jake: Oh go-- oh you have an accent. Oh, we forgot that Caldwell's from Maryland. Emily: You do sound like-- I had a teacher once who said "robit". And it sounds like whoever says "robit" would also say turdis. Murph: Yeah. Jake, laughing: Robit! Caldwell: It was either-- listen, it was either tortoise and porpoise or turdis and purpose, so, you know, you take your pick. Jake: Oh, I see. Murph: Did you say-- Emily: So you went for the one with turd in it. Murph: Yeah, okay. I'm still-- Jake: I didn't hear purpose. I don't remember, like-- Murph: I didn't hear purpose, I'm still absolutely baffled. [Emily laughs] Jake: I'm still-- yeah, I'm processing it. Murph: I-- Caldwell: Should I do it again? Murph: Uh, could you? Caldwell: Yeah. Murph: I'm-- I'm confused. Emily: I'd like you to do it again, but I think I'd like you to keep it the same, because I am into you committing to this Jake: Don't change anything! Caldwell: Here we go, here we go. Murph: Alright, let's try it, one more time, ready? Jake: I love this for you. Murph: And of course, Caldwell Tanner. Caldwell: Beverly Toegold V, a purposeful lad who's the dad of a turdis. [Emily laughs.] Jake: So you-- I mean you didn't-- Murph: Dude. What? Jake: Turdis dad. That's what you should've said to make it-- Murph: No. No wait. So-- Y-- Just because purpose-- what? Emily: Is turdis the new crabster? I think turdis is the new crabster? Jake: Absolutely! Absolutely yes. It totally is. Caldwell: No way. Emily: Wait, actually the second I heard Jake's voice I remembered crabster, and that shit was funny. Jake: Hey, at least I did that shit on a short rest I think, like-- Murph: Crabster is an inside joke from the short rest. Jake: This is a main campaign flub. [Murph: Yes.] And I think that's-- Caldwell: I meant to say "a lad of purpose", can I say-- can I actually take it again? [Emily laughs.] Murph: THERE you go. Now I underst-- Jake: There it is. Murph: Now I understand what you were doing. Caldwell: Please let me take it again. Murph: Good lord, Caldwell. That makes sense. Okay. One more time. Guys, this is really-- the absolute last time. And Caldwell Tanner. Caldwell: Beverly Toegold V, a lad of purpose who's the dad of a turdis. [Jake and Emily laugh.] Murph: THERE you go. Okay. Now-- Jake: It was really-- It was worth the wait, too. Murph: I… Emily: I'm so. What a privilege to witness that process. To just be part of that process. To watch you workshop that. Caldwell: You'll just cut everything before that Murph, right? Murph: Yeah. This is gonna be a real clean intro. Caldwell: Great. Great, cool. Murph: Really straight to the point. Caldwell: Cool, I-- I wanna keep things serious. I know that this is-- we've got big stuff ahead of us. Murph: Right on. Jake: End of the campaign.

[preservationofnormalcy]

[Director Council 9/11/24 Meeting. 5/7 Administrators in Attendance]

Attending: 

[Redacted] Walker, OPN Director

Orson Knight, Security

Ceceilia, Archival & Records

B. L. Z. Bubb, Board of Infernal Affairs

Harrison Chou, Abnormal Technology

Josiah Carter, Psychotronics

Ambrose Delgado, Applied Thaumaturgy

Subject: Dr. Ambrose Delgado re: QuantumSim 677777 Project Funding 

Transcript begins below:

Chou:] Have you all read the simulation transcript?

Knight:] Enough that I don’t like whatever the hell this is.

Chou:] I was just as surprised as you were when it mentioned you by name.

Knight:] I don’t like some robot telling me I’m a goddamned psychopath, Chou. 

Cece:] Clearly this is all a construction. Isn’t that right, Doctor?

Delgado:] That’s…that’s right. As some of you may know, uh. Harrison?

Chou:] Yes, we have a diagram.

Delgado:] As some of you may know, our current models of greater reality construction indicate that many-worlds is only partially correct. Not all decisions or hinge points have any potential to “split” - in fact, uh, very few of them do, by orders of magnitude, and even fewer of those actually cause any kind of split into another reality. For a while, we knew that the…energy created when a decision could cause a split was observable, but being as how it only existed for a few zeptoseconds we didn’t have anything sensitive enough to decode what we call “quantum potentiality.” 

Carter:] The possibility matrix of something happening without it actually happening.

Delgado:] That’s right. Until, uh, recently. My developments in subjective chronomancy have borne fruit in that we were able to stretch those few zeptoseconds to up to twenty zeptoseconds, which has a lot of implications for–

Cece:] Ambrose. 

Delgado:] Yes, on task. The QuantumSim model combines cutting-edge quantum potentiality scanning with lowercase-ai LLM technology, scanning the, as Mr Carter put it, possibility matrix and extrapolating a potential “alternate universe” from it.

Cece:] We’re certain that none of what we saw is…real in any way?

Chou:] ALICE and I are confident of that. A realistic model, but no real entity was created during Dr Delgado’s experiment.

Bubb:] Seems like a waste of money if it’s not real.

Delgado:] I think you may find that the knowledge gained during these simulations will become invaluable. Finding out alternate possibilities, calculating probability values, we could eventually map out the mathematical certainty of any one action or event. 

Chou:] This is something CHARLEMAGNE is capable of, but thus far he has been unwilling or unable to share it with us. 

Delgado:] You’ve been awfully quiet, Director. 

DW:] Wipe that goddamned smile off your face, Delgado.

DW:] I would like to request a moment with Doctor Delgado. Alone. You are all dismissed.

Delgado:] ….uh, ma’am. Director, did I say something–

DW:] I’m upset, Delgado. I nearly just asked if you were fucking stupid, but I didn’t. Because I know you’re not. Clearly, obviously, you aren’t. 

Delgado:] I don’t underst–

DW:] You know that you are one of the very few people on this entire planet that know anything about me? Because of the station and content of your work, you are privy to certain details only known by people who walked out that door right now.

DW:] Did you think for a SECOND about how I’d react to this?

Delgado:] M-ma’am, I….I thought you’d…appreciate the ability to–

DW:] I don’t. I want this buried, Doctor. 

Delgado:] I…unfortunately I–

DW:] You published the paper to ETCetRA. 

Delgado:] Yes. As…as a wizard it’s part of my rites that I have to report any large breakthroughs to ETCetRa proper. The paper is going through review as we speak.

DW:] Of course. 

Delgado:] Ma’am, I’m sorry, that’s not something I can–

DW:] I’d never ask you directly to damage our connection to the European Thaumaturgical Centre, Doctor. 

Delgado:] Of course. I see.

DW:] You’ve already let Schrödinger’s cat out of the bag. We just have to wait and see whether it’s alive or dead.

Delgado:] Box, director.

DW:] What? 

Delgado:] Schrödinger’s cat, it was in a–

DW:] Shut it down, Doctor. I don’t want your simulation transcript to leave this room. 

Delgado:] Yes. Of course, Director. I’ll see what I can do.

DW:] Tell my secretary to bring me a drink. 

Delgado:] Of course. 

DW:] ...one more thing, Doctor. How did it get so close?

Delgado:]Ma'am?

DW:] Eerily close.

Delgado:]I don't–

DW:] We called it the Bureau of Abnormal Affairs.

Delgado:] ....what–

DW:] You are dismissed, Doctor Delgado.

[oh-koenig-my-koenig]

'Fit for a King' - WIP - “If you have had me on my back, we can also be on a first name basis” (König POV)

Fit for a King - Masterlist

König is talking to Ridgeback that he doesn’t want fem!sergeant Müller on the next – her first – mission with KorTac, Ridgeback is not having it, so he makes König talk to Müller about it, cue social anxiety meets superiority complex that comes with being this tall and buff, Müller puts him in his place and… what can I say? He’s turned on by that. And it gets them to talk with each other (finally). (2k words)

CW: NSFW, imagining explicit scenes, pervy!König

a/n: I'm still writing scenes whenever I think about them, so there still will be chronological skips and context missing in between, but I'll update the Masterlist in the order that they happen in (also gonna add some general info about the characters to the masterlist soon). This is a scene in his POV as I wanted to give the whole story a dual POV thing in general, I hope you like it! (two chapters are still in the pipeline for today or tomorrow, from Müller's POV again) ((also still working on a way to incorporate the german translations better))

“If you have had me on my back, we can also be on a first name basis”

(NSFW)

“I don’t want her on the mission.”

“She’s going. End of discussion.”

“Fine. But I’ll have to see if she can stand her ground first.”

“Meaning that you’ll actually talk to her?”

Ridgeback can’t see the scowl under my hood.

“Yeah.” What I mean is ‘fuck, no’.

He grins at me.

Ridgeback calls after her in the training room. “Müller, a second of your time?” – “Yes, sir.”, she says stepping away from the weights she was working with. “The Colonel is unsure about your… skills on the battlefield and I was wondering if you could maybe demonstrate something to change his mind.”, he explains. She pulls up her eyebrow and gives me the sideeye. “Didn’t he read my transcript?”, she asks. I don’t say anything, but Ridgeback looks at me, waiting for me to explain myself. I clear my throat. “Uh yeah, I read it, it’s just uh-“ She looks up at me and the words don’t come out my mouth. I feel the heat in my cheeks. “What if like a big guy comes up to you and like… attacks you?” Wow, so eloquent. “You know that I’m a sniper, right? Most of the time I’m not gonna be around any ‘big guys’ except for present company.” God damn it, why did I ever start this topic up? She’s going to make me put my shoe into my mouth or however that saying goes. “Uh yeah, correct, I’m just saying, what IF.” She looks at me like I might be a bit crazy. Maybe I am. She confuses the shit out of me.

Then she shrugs her shoulders. “Okay.” and struts over to the mattresses for combat training and martial arts. I follow her, waiting what she’ll do. “You also read that I’m trained in field combat and Krav Maga?”, she asks again. I totally did not. I laugh it off, not sure if I should take her seriously. She gets in position looking up at me in all her 5’8’’ cuteness. “You ready, big guy?”, she asks me, tauntingly. I cross my arms and shrug. Before I can register her moving, she has gripped me, one hand fisting the fabric of my shirt and the other one latching onto my wrist. Just a moment later I’m in the air.

She flips me. She tosses me over her own back with enough force to move a little Volkswagen. And she actually goddamn flips me. As my body gets slammed into the mattress, my back colliding with the floor, I can feel arousal lick up my spine, making me hard in an instant. “Ah, scheiße1.”, I mutter under my breath. All I want to do is pull her with me – or better even – her trying to hold me down as she gets on top of me. Scenarios flood my brain, smutty and perverted. How she would tie me down, strip me, tease me. Take her seat on my face, make me eat her out. I groan. I would feel her heat on my face, lap at her wetness, take everything she would give me. She would stroke me, edge me with her soft hands and nimble fingers while pressing her pussy into me, maybe she would even try to fit my length into her mouth. She would grind on my lips and tongue, she would let me give her the pleasure she seeks until she comes on my face and I drink up her arousal, her wetness staining my hood.

The imagination alone makes me leak at the tip. Ahja, du kleiner Perversling2. I scold myself in my brain. Has it really been that long since I had a woman? Like, biblically. I guess it has.

She stands over me, setting a foot on my chest, her boot digging into my pecs. “So, can I join you, Colonel?” I’m kind of glad that she didn’t call me by my name just now because I fear that I would have come a bit in my pants. At least a little bit. I raise my hands defensively: “Fine, fine, Müller.” I clear my throat. “You can handle yourself, as you demonstrated just now.” She laughs and the soft and sweet sound taunts me. “I can even handle more than just myself.”, she adds confidently and steps away from me, holding her hand out to help me up.

I resist the urge to pull her down and jump up on my feet again. Now I’m towering over her, a whole foot taller. Oh, to have her run from me as I chase after her, would be so sweet. Hör auf3, the voice in my head fights against the pervy thoughts. Something about her taps into something primal inside me.

Ridgeback’s short clap gets my attention. I almost forgot that he’s still here. “Well, I think this got resolved. See you tomorrow then.” Müller waves goodbye, and I lift my hand too, not able to tear my gaze away from her. She looks back at me and I wish I could’ve just talked normally to her instead of behaving like an ass. I sigh inwardly.

Killing people, turning them to pulp, is easier for me than talking to them. Really talking, not just barking orders. And she makes me feel like for the first time in forever that I wish it was the other way around.

"Would you spot me, Colonel?", she asks me then. I sigh, in- and outwardly this time. "Please, just... call me König.", I tell her. "People who had me on my back already can refer to me on a name basis.", I joke feeling the heat in my cheeks flare up again as I see the confusion on her face. Get a hold of yourself, Mensch4. "Also, I made myself look like a complete ass in front of you, you deserve to let the title slide.", I say further, not stuttering as much as before, and she nods slightly. "So, is that a yes or a no on the spotting, König?", she asks plainly. I swallow down how it makes me feel hearing her say my name in that cute accent of hers and return her nod.

She goes over to the weight rack and starts to fit plates onto a barbell. I help her by lifting the barbell from the ground to give her easier access. She’s satisfied with 50 kilos on each side and then goes to lift it up the squatting rack. Oh, she’s going to do squats. With 120 kilos. I’m so double fucked.

“You ready?” I nod and stand behind her holding out my arms. I’m a head taller than her, so I can look at myself in the mirror in front of us as she is not obstructing my view. My eyes are on her again though. She has wide black training pants on, but her hips don’t leave much to the imagination. Her torso is clad in a compression shirt, with a sports bra underneath. Everything is covered up, tightly packed to not be hindering while working out. Yet in my mind it looks like the sexiest thing anybody could ever wear. And that is before she starts to squat right in front of me. I curse under my breath and push away the pervy thoughts. Just be normal for once. She doesn’t need you lusting over her right now, after you just insulted her like that.

I follow her movements hovering my arms beside her, ready to take off the weight if it’s necessary. But she’s squatting the weight no problem. After a few reps she sets the barbell down on the rack again. “Okay, I think, we can add some more plates.”, she says already hefting another 20 up. “Goddamn, you’re squatting more than half the team here.”, I remark. “Really? I’m a bit rusty to be honest.” Rusty? Heilige Scheiße5. She continues: “I wanted to build up strength again because I’m gonna be more actually in the field, but I don’t wanna squat this kind of weight without somebody to spot me.” I nod behind her and she gets ready for the next set. There she is, squatting my body weight like it’s nothing. It’s so fucking attractive to me, I can’t help it.

“Wouldn’t some of the others help you? Spot you?”, I ask as we set down the weight again. My hands stay on the barbell for a moment longer until she meets my eyes in the mirror. “I mean, I talked to Aksel and Nikto a bit, you know, Scandinavians unite, but eh- I didn’t wanna bother them. I think this is the longest interaction I had with anybody in the base. They’re not really talking.”, she explains with a shrug. I hold back a groan. This might be at least partly my fault because of the way I treated her the first few days. “So, I didn’t really have the guts to ask somebody to help me.” She shrugs again, but I see a hint of sadness and apprehension behind them. “But with what you pulled today, I didn’t have those reservations.” She grins at me a little bit.

“I’m sorry.”, I say then, the words sticking to my tongue, not slipping out my mouth easily. It’s not like I don’t feel sorry, I really do. I’m just not one to apologise easily. “Don’t worry about it.”, she tells me. “You’re not the first superior to doubt my abilities.” I feel a pang in my chest. Yeah, yeah, I can be a bit of an asshole, but it’s just setting in now how the whole situation must make her feel. And I want to take it all back. “Yeah, I… I know how it must look like right now from your point. I’m sorry really. I was an asshole about my doubts and I went about it in the most jerk way.” She turns around, her hands on her waist as she looks up at me like ‘Are we really still talking about this?’. The sass.

“It’s okay, Col- König. I accept your apology.”, she reiterates. She must see the doubt in my eyes because she says, with emphasis: “Really.” – “Okay. Schwamm drüber6.”, I say and extend my hand. She takes it and shakes it. Even through the thin fabric of my gloves I can feel the warmth of her palm and it makes me wish I wasn’t wearing any to feel her skin on mine.

“I’d head to dinner now. You wanna join me?”, she asks. “I get it if you can’t, you know, rank and all.” I scoff. “Nobody is asking for our ranks when we’re knee-deep in mud next week, so forget all about that.” She grins at my answer and jogs to the hallway. I follow her with big strides. “I don’t even know why they made me Colonel.”, I tell her as we walk down to the mess hall. She giggles and the sound makes me feel all floaty. And I kick myself again – in my mind – for not just talking to her. Or maybe just ask her to train with me. Instead of making it seem like I’m out to get her. “Maybe your reputation? And of course, the unique set of skills.”, she suggests. “I have a reputation?”, I’m surprised. “Yeah, kinda.” We enter the mess hall and get in line for a plate of beef stew. “Like what?”, I want to know as I stand just a foot behind her. “I’d rather not say.”, she evades. “Also, I don’t think that that’s who you are.”

“What do you think I am then?”, I ask her as we sit down. Other people are already here and I see a few surprised faces, including Horangi’s. “Really really big.” She laughs and I chuckle with her. “That’s just because you’re so small.”, I counter. “Psh. It’s not about the size.” I can see a hint of mischief sparkling in her eyes as she says that. Was that innuendo? “It’s not?”, I tease her. She leans forward and whispers like we’re sharing a secret: “If I were you, I wouldn’t be so cocky about it. Even a mouse can fell a tree, if she only knows how to.” I laugh at her remark. “Touché.” – "Maybe that could be my callsign: Mouse.", she jokes. "I like that.", I say fully grinning behind my mask.

scheiße: shit

ahja, du kleiner Perversling: uh-huh, you little pervert

hör auf: stop it

mensch: literally 'human being', in this context more of an exesperated 'dude!'

heilige scheiße: holy shit

Schwamm drüber: literally 'sponge over it', meaning let's forget about it

[asothecrow]

I decided to go ahead and do a test of a bunch of Hacker's lines that I made. Basically a "what if Hacker was in the actual TF2 game?"

Also, yes, sorry for the mic peeks. This is why this is a test lol

See below for the transcript:

Killing more than one enemy in 20 seconds with their pistol:

Woah!! Did anybody see that?!

Heeheheheheheh, I got the bad boys!

You’re all dead! Whaaaaaaaaat!

Killing more than 3 enemies in 20 seconds with their weapons:

I have no regrets and you all suck!

I don’t think they expected that from lil ol’ me.

The Corvid strikes again. Punks.

Caw caw, motherfuckers

Kill assist:

Thanks, Snips! (to Sniper)

Thanks, Toasty! (To Pyro)

Thanks, Coloniser! (to Soldier)

Thanks, ôgawatasik! (to Spy) (trans: someone who lies in shadow)

Thanks, kakezihlôt! (To Scout) (trans: the fast runner)

Hvala, Braco! (to Heavy very excited)

Thanks, partner! (to Engie in a very exaggerated accent)

Thanks, kakezalkat! (to Medic with a mysterious air) (trans: a lover)

Thanks, Alcoholism! (to Demo)

You are all national treasures. Or international?

Melee Kills/Taunts with Taser:

Hi, I’m Hacker, I’m a diagnosed psychopath. (Michael Reeves reference)

I just wanna electrocute you.

It’s not a taser. It’s not a taser. It’s not- it’s not a taser.

Cheese! (as if taking a photo with someone)

*Maniacal laughter*

“Oh Hacker, it kind of seems like you’re just coming up with excuses to tase people-” Yes.

After Hacking Engie’s Sentries:

Sentry’s hacked!

I’ve converted the sentries!

Dispense these bolts, bitch!

After Hacking a Spy’s toolkit:

You don’t fool me, Second Coloniser

I see you

If you weren’t such a little bitch, I’d be sad

Quick Hack Charge Complete:

I’m in.

Hacker voice: I’m in.

You’ve been hacked, whoops, you have a virus now!

Ah-ah-ah! You didn’t say the magic word?

Domination:

What? Nooo! Who could have seen this coming? Woaaahh?? (Michael Reeves ref)

Your entire existence is pitiful. I feel nothing for you.

I’m so tired of fucking your moms.

I will put you in my computer. 

You blocked me on facebook and now you’re going to die.

Plan B? Nah, you need plan C.

Dominating a Scout:

Go cry home to mommy!

I never thought he’d shut up

Off to go fuck your mom

Spy may be your dad, but I’ll be your daddy

Loser bitch boy is dead

Dominating a Soldier:

A victory for the Indians!

Fuck your cavelry

I’m embarrassed by how easy it was to kill you

Do all colonisers fall so hard?

Dominated, you useless settler scum

Dominating a Pyro:

There can only be one gender ambiguous lad

When’s your posthumous gender reveal party?

What? I can’t hear you over the sound of me bashing your skull in!

Dominating a Demoman:

Facial Detection? Nah, I prefer Racial detection!

If only we were on the same team

And y’all thought Indians were alcoholics…

Next time, try and get a bit more wasted

This is why the British COLONISED YOU!

Dominating a Heavy:

Nisam ocekivao da ces biti takva budala!

Maybe in another life we could have been friends…. NOT!

I am not sorry for putting a bullet in your skull, fat man

Brains over brawn.

Dominating an Engineer:

You sure didn’t over-engineer this shit

Wamp wamp! I win!

You can build, but you can’t defend

Mission accomplished: killed a shortie

Dominating a Medic:

Why’d you have to die so easily?

You’re cute. But not that cute

I love the kind of man who takes his murder well

I’m going to FUCK you. Wait no, wrong one

Crows are smarter than Doves, dorkass

I’ve proven once again my superiority

Dominating a Sniper:

Yes, yes go! Piss in your jar.

I will piss on your grave

You gonna pee-pee piss yourself, pissboy?

You’re dogshit at hiding, my guy

Dominating a Spy:

*Robotic laughter*

Ding dong the Coloniser is deaaaaad!~

France can rot in a hole, and you alongside it

There’s a Spy among us… and I killed him :D 

Why do women even like you?

Revenge:

Heeheehee, payback

An eye for an eye

I made you regret killing me, didn’t I?

It’s time for me to gloat forever

I remember you

On fire:

I’m on fire!

FIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE!!!

I’m burning, help!

Healed by Medic:

Thanks, but it’s not like I like you or anything

That feels good!! Thanks!

Ah! I’m glad to live to see your handsome face again!

Thank you, Medic!

Under effects of ÜberCharge:

I’ve never felt more powerful…

I’m fucking invincible!

I won’t be slain here.

Payload cart moves forward (offense):

Any of you boys wanna help?!

C’mooooon, I’m not waiting all day!

Get a move on, asswipes!

Cart goes backwards (offense):

You deserve the death sentence. (Michael Reeves ref)

Who stopped pushing the cart??

Why is the cart going backwards?? It’s supposed to move forward!

Payload cart moves forward (defense):

NOOOO!

I’m going to kill you. And then kill you again. 

I will end your existence.

I will slit you all open from mouth to anus and wear you like jackets

Cart goes backwards (defense):

Weeeeeeeeee! Down it goes!

Haha fuck you, BLU/RED team! Now you have to push it BACK UP THE HILL!

I feel like they’re living as Sisyphus… they’re living the dream 

Win a round:

Gasp! We won!

Yayayayayayayay!!! Yaaaaaaay!

I’m so proud of us!

A bunch of murder hobos killing a bunch of other murder hobos… it’s a good day!

Lose a round:

I’m gonna let the depression set in, and I’m going home

Hey, at least we won’t get to the Post part of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?

*sighs* I feel like I’m reliving my ancestors’ history…

Next time, there will be blood. Lots of blood…

Tie a round:

Welp. Fuck me sideways with a chainsaw, let’s a get a drink

Wait, that can happen??

I’ve never felt more confused in my life

Round Starts:

Fuck em up, boys!

Heeheehee, let’s play a game

I wanna play a game

Lezzgooo!

Hajmo!

Sudden Death:

AhHHHHHHH!!

I’m dead. Oh no. (coming out of a machine if Hacker is killed while hacking one)

Teleportations:

Wee, that was fun!

Thanks, Engie!

You’re the best!

Objective-related responses

After Capturing Intelligence:

Not usually how I do this, but it’ll do!

I’ve hacked reality!

Time to run!

After capturing control point:

Okay, time to stand here!

Wait. Does this technically count as hacking?

Guess an enbie can prove themselves after all!

I claim this point in the name of my people and my ancestors!

Standing on captured control point, firing weapon:

Budalo, get on the point!

Awahodo, get on the stupid point!

You idiots expect this shit to work if you’re NOT on the point??

On the point. Or I will tase you.

Defense:

Idiots.

I can’t believe you’re being beat by a hacker!

I love knowing I’m smarter than you all

I’m winning and you’re not! Ha!

Spy!:

There’s a Spy among us!

Imposter spotted!

He’s gonna vent!

Jeers:

Guys. I’m. I’m so disappointed.

If I have to come down there!

I’m a hacker, not your babysitter!

[showfallmediacameracrew]

[This post was made using Showfall Media Text-To-Speech. If you believe there's been an error and would like to end Showfall Media Text-To-Speech, please say 'End transcript'. ]

[ Input registered: Ambient background noise. People laughing and chattering indistinctly, the clinking of glassware, tapping of cutlery, and faint country music. Closer to the mic is the squeaky sound of someone shifting around on a cushioned booth. ]

J: "Don’t sit on my tail, you can touch it if you want, but I swear to fuck don't sit on my tail."

M: “I’m not touching your tail!”

[ Input registered: More uncomfortable scooting. ]

M: “I forgot how much I hated these stupid booth seats. Why do they even sound like that?”

J: "Hell if I know, it's the first time I’ve sat in one. I guess it’s better than most seats, since I can just put my tail on whatever side you're not on, but it feels like it's way more full of air than it looks. Unfortunate."

M: “I know some seats at Showfall that are better than these. Christ. I hate that I even said that.” 

[ Input registered: Jasprix laughing, quiet metal clinking sounds closeby as something taps on the wood of the table ]

J: “It smells better though then most of the food the food person makes. Probably will taste better than anything the food court would have had. Did the person asking for our orders look confused to you when we asked for the options we chose, or is that a normal look servers have when they don’t wear masks?”

M: “I have no idea. I was too busy looking at everything that sounded good. Fuck, I haven’t had a steak in years.”

J: “Well, I guess you’re having multiple different steaks, and whatever that other stuff you ordered was. I can smell all the different cooked meats in here, it’s amazing, though I do sometimes wish I could eat pancakes again. Steak, though, is still the best of the food types, hmmm.”

M: “I could actually cry right now. A whole fucking filet. All I’ve been eating for months is fucking packaged foods and those shitty little nutrient things. I just remembered I ordered salmon, oh my god.”

[ Nonverbal input registered: Abrupt cough. ]

M: “Er, sorry. It’s been a while since I’ve had… well, actual food. It’s getting to me a bit. Fuck.”

J: “I was worried you were about to apologize because you thought I was a fish. It’s fine, what sort of wonderful boyfriend would I be if I didn’t spoil you on whatever you desired for dinner? Especially when I can only agree that those leave much to be desired. Hopefully they won’t mind us bringing some back with us, as I don't see how they could possibly expect us to eat it all at once.”

M: “Mmm, leftovers.”

[ Nonverbal input registered: A quiet chuckle, then a curious noise of interest]

J: “Oh, I believe I spy my house host at the door. Did she take her own advice on dinner places?”

M: “Hm?”

J: “She’s headed for the counter for some reason. Hmm, well, if it comes up, she believes my name is Jasper.”

[ Nonverbal input registered: Scoff. ]

M: “Jasper? Why Jasper? You made yourself sound normal.”

[ Nonverbal input detected: shifting of styrofoam containers in plastic, and footsteps approaching getting louder. ]

R: “HEY! Uh- whoops, sorry- hey!”

J: “Hello Ruth, fancy seeing you here. What are you doing?”

R: “Picking up food for me ‘n Chase, uh. I was going to drag him inside with me but he decided at the last second he ‘couldn’t do it’, so. Pick-up. Also…? Oh, is this-?

[ Nonverbal input detected: Quiet metal clinking and quick shifting of fabric ]

J: “My wonderful human boyfriend, yes. Thank you so much for the suggestion to come here. We’re just waiting on our orders.”

M: “Yeah, we are, um… Hi. I’m Marvin. Nice to meet you. You’re… Ruth, correct?”

R: “You told them about-? Oh, well. You did kind of. Sleep in my bathtub. So I guess it would make sense you- Right. Yes. Hi. Ruth Shirbon, Lostfield Reporter. Uhm. Nice… bowtie…?”

J: “It does make him look yummy doesn’t it? Good thing the food here smells so good, or it’d be tempting, he has that effect sometimes.”

M: “We’re in public, man. Shuttup.”

[ Nonverbal input detected: Tail thumping against booth seat as Jasprix snickers. ]

R: “Uhm. Right. The, uh, whole. Cannibalism thing. That’s…! Anyways! Uh. So what’s that like, uh. Dating a demon? Who is also the demon king? Also how did that… happen?? Exactly???”

J: “He flirted with me, so I agreed to his offer of courtship. It was quite fun to participate in the manner he did it in, as well.”

[Nonverbal input detected: Hastily cleared throat and gasp of air before an alteration of pitch to something lower and quicker.] 

M: “Ilostgaychicken.” 

J: “He also loves chicken a great deal, and he was able to order some on the menu here.”

R: “Oh. Uh. Not… entirely sure how that’s relev… doesn’t matter. I’ll leave you guys to your date. It was nice meeting you, Marvin.”

M: “Oh, um, nice meeting you t-”

[Altered Pitch Registered: slightly more hushed tone, but closer to the recording device]

R: “And if you ever see anything strange around Lostfield, you can contact me… uh… crap, did I leave those cards at home?? Did I spend all that time laminating those and forget to fucking- arghhh. Nevermind. Jasper can tell you where I am if you need me. Anyways, uh. Nice seeing you! Bye!

[ Nonverbal input detected: Footsteps rapidly growing quieter, and the opening and closing of a door as Jasprix snickered. ]

J: “I hope you can see why I told her the name Jasper now. I told her the backstory of my character from when I was an actor. The demon king on a date with his human boyfriend.”

M: “That was… interesting, to say the least. Huh. Odd kid. Not in a bad way, just… Odd.”

J: “I might just invite her on a tour of the mall at some point. I think she’d love to see it, and everything that she theorized being wrong.”

M: “Are you trying to get her masked? Absolutely not. No.”

J: “I mean, alright. But the way she was talking about it the day before, I’m pretty sure they’re going to try something on her own. She stands outside the mall every day, darling, they haven’t been killed yet. She’d probably somehow manage to avoid everything and still believe that demons exist and the robots are somehow aliens.” 

[Nonverbal input detected: Fabric shifting amongst metal clinking together, Jasprix sighing as a hand returned to tapping on the wood.]

J: “Apologies if my doing that hurt your arm, I may have forgotten putting my hand around your back to pull you closer wasn’t possible currently. I did my best to not push when I realized, but I apologize if you didn't appreciate my hand pressed to your back with your own hand.”

[ Nonverbal input registered: Quiet chuckle. ]

M: “‘S fine. Don’t worry about it.”

J: “Hmm. Well, I hope whatever she got here for... Chase is an improvement from the constant yogurt she was feeding him before.”

M: “Fucking yogurt? All day? Gees.”

J: “I think he’s very confused, but oddly committed, to playing an idiot demon. He truly got her to believe that demons didn't eat actual food. It’s a mystery how she can believe literally anything either of us have told her.”

M: “Wow. That’s kind of impressive. In a sad way.”

J: “But an impressively active imagination. They could be a writer if they wanted instead of a reporter. Maybe direct something.”

M: “Something outside of Showfall. Very, very far away from Showfall.”

[ Nonverbal input detected: Surprised laugh. ]

J: “Sure, I’ll refrain from mentioning her abilities to anyone important, just for you Honey Bird. Oh look, people carrying fold out tray things. Maybe those are for us and mean our food is done?”

M: “I see my steak.” 

J: “All the food you ordered and you notice the steak first. Goodness, are you sure you’re not also a carnivore, perhaps you’ve been crossed slightly with an eagle and never noticed?”

M: “If I was I’m very sure I would have noticed if feathers started to sprout out of my ass.”

J: “True enough, I did notice the tail rather quickly myself. You should know, when we’re finished, and have the rest of the food secured, we might have to leave quickly.”

[ Altered Pitch Registered: Low whisper just barely caught by mic. ]

J: “The concept of Dine and Dash is something I’ve heard of and wanted to do, and we do not have money.”

M: “Oh shit, we don’t.”

[ Transcript has been manually ended. Thank you for using Showfall Media Text-To-Speech! Posting... ]

[lostsneeze]

Vod Transcript From Your Fav

Hey everybody what’s up today we’re playing this game, it’s apparently just a worse version of Overwatch or something, I don’t really know. But I’m a worse version of an Overwatch player so maybe it’ll be a good time.

Now chat I did play it a little bit already, um, yesterday, on an unscheduled stream, because you have-there’s like, you don’t get to play against humans until rank 5 or account level 5 or experience level 5 or something, I don’t know what it’s called, but we did it. So now we can get into the real game *sniffs*

Is this going to be another sneeze stream? Man I hope not, that was weird. I don’t-I don’t know if it’s allergies or if I’m getting sick or if that was just random like, I don’t know. I mean I feel fine, or well, I don’t feel sick or anything. I mean I feel kind of just generally not great but I’m pretty sure that’s just because my sleep schedule is dogwater.

Alright match found, let’s go!

Okay let’s see what our team is picking…I say like I recognize any of these characters. *laughs* I’m just going to just pick one of the like 2 dudes I figured out already regardless.

Alright I’m picking this pirate guy. He’s great, he’s like the demoman in TF2. Any of you guys play TF2? Nobody better call me a boomer for that. That game’s a classic, alright?

Okay, enemy picks…Oh dangit they’re picking this…this fucking, this trenchcoat ass, beetleborg ass motherfucker. I hate this dude, he’s like…he’s like McCre-er, Cowboy, but he can fly. And he has like a reflect…shield…thing.

*sneeze* One sec, sorry. *sneeze* Oh no, it’s happening again! Ha. *sniffs*

Hmm, this is going to be tough. Actually wait that guy’s shield thing I think says it reflects shots? Like the ability description, I think it doesn’t say like attacks-one second *sneeze* augh. Excuse me. It doesn’t say attacks in general. So maybe, cuz my guy th-throws…bomb…*sneeze* Oh my god trying to explain this while I have to sneeze is so hard! *sniffs* My guy throws bombs and this game differentiates between like, shot damage and blast damage. So if he only reflects shots maybe I can throw bombs at him, or like his feet, so the explosion gets him? And then it doesn’t get reflected? *sniffs* Like does that work? What do you think chat?

Yes…No…No…Idk but try it. Alright helpful as ever you guys thanks. I mean we’re gonna try it.

Alright we’re getting into the match. I don’t know this map but it’s fine we just sit in the back and throw grenades. See…look they actually can’t handle it, they’re, they’re going to have to send that guy up here, the flying bastard…Okay here he is okay shoot, his shield’s up, we fire at the feet, and…AAGH!

*deep breath* We’ve learned a lot here today. Ugghh that’s so disappointing.. Okay, it’s fine, we get back, we focus up, the team will not get wiped in the time it takes for me to respawn, surely.

Yeahh, see, this isn’t, we just go up here now I think…Yeah that’s right, get outta here you freakin’ nerds…Oh this is so much easier, when that guy’s not around. We just k-keep...firing, I’m…*sneeze* *sneeze* oh crap the-the *sneeze* The…Crap I don’t know the names! *sneeze* *sneeze* I can’t…*sneeze* Augh BALLS I died while I was sneezing, god…dangit! Sorry chat I hope wasn’t not too loud. *sniffs*

That freakin’ green guy, man! *sniffs* He, he’s a Jedi, he force-choked me! I couldn’t move! *sniffs* Fuck, that guy’s supposed to be a healer too I think, why does he do so much fucking damage??? *sniffs* What the heck.

Why not mute mic? Because we are engaged in serious gamer business right now, there ain’t no time for that! …Literally one button just hotkey it, chat I’m actually a boomer? I can’t handle the thought process of trying to stay alive AND sneeze AND remember a hotkey outside the normal buttons, it’s too much.

Is it actually annoying though chat like is it bad? Be honest.

No, nah, no, no not really…kinda cute tbh LOL alright excellent, my camgirl era can finally begin.

Ahhh nuts, okay. Yeah so now we have to defend *sniffs*, but it’s fine cuz our…whoever she is, our goth mommy. *sniffs* She’s our healer and she has her ult so we’re going to be able to get aggressive here *sniffs* and take a good position I think. Cuz like, this…I remember hearing the maps in this game don’t have like hella chokepoints *sniffs* the way Overwatch does. So it’s important, I think we want to keep them as far as we can as soon as we can. *sniffs* We don’t want them moving up like at all.

*sniffs* Ugh should’ve grabbed tissues while I was dead.

What are you guys…chat she is! She is a goth mommy, look at her. *sniffs* It’s not weird to say if it’s true. Oh that’s her ult…yesss, yessssssss. *laughs* look, I can just stand in the…okay actually I’m still taking some damage here let’s back up. *sniffs* Back it up back it up. *sniffs* Crap I have to sneeze a-again…god dangit *sneeze* *sneeze* *sneeze* O-oh my *sneeze* god *sneeze* what is this *sneeze* Oh jesus th-this hehh bullcrap’s gonna kill me a-again *sneeze* *sneeze* *sneeze* Bro what the HECK. Aaaugh this is so annoying. I’m annoyed chat! *sniffs*

Sorry guys *sniffs* I’m getting, these sneezes are tilting me. Like I think I’m actually doing pretty well on the whole it’s just I, like every time I die it’s to this crap. *sniffs* Our team’s kind of slaying tho *sniffs* hold on. Yo our team’s kind of SLAYING tho hold on! Even like *sniffs*…see even after I die they pop off cuz my dude just does so much damage with the grenades, like look at these assists.

*sniffs* Oh my god I HAVE to blow my nose. AND I DIDN’T GRAB TISSUES WHILE I WAS DEAD AGAIN CUZ I WAS TILTED! *sniffs* I don’t have…Ugh I…alright chat look away. Look away chat. Turn the stream off. I don’t want you to see this. *blows* Sorry. I’m sorry everyone! *blows* Sorry but it was necessary. A necessary evil.

Okay now I think we can get back in this. Like I’m going to get up to this spot now and we’re just gonna like, we can just force them to come at us soooo slowly. They have to regroup and they have to, like they can’t risk being in the open for long…So we just keep, okay actually, that trenchcoat guy is coming I’mma port out…it’s fine we back up here and he has no idea, we just wait a little bit…Yeah and now we can go like over here maybe.

We just gotta attrition them. Cuz even if they make it through us here they still have to hehh oh my god *sneeze* Damnit *sneeze* I-I’m freaking *sneeze* UGhh okay hide hide *sneeze* sneeze* *sneeze*…*sneeze*

Okay *sniffs* don’t mind me I just had to hide over here and sneeze for a little bit. It’s all good, allies are killing it. Our tank’s doing like, tank things. Goth mommy is doing mom-no I’m not finishing that actually. *sniffs* Ugh. Yeah see, they have to get all the way to the base still. So all the time we buy is going to like, yeah like look how do they get through this? They don’t have, even with overtime I don’t think they have long enough, yknow? *sniffs*

Yes yes yes, hold on, we’re…EYY let’s go! Alright that was round one. I’m gonna find some tissues and then we’re gonna do this, next round’s ours. BRB.

[feralwitness]

1.txt

> Launch.Program:localnetwork/private/ai.interface

//Initiating setup.exe//31//

Input > Link.Reciever detected. Enter Username:

> Scout443\persona.5

//Hello Scout 443. I am Thirty One, an AI channel hosting a private connection in the mitaverse via your Link receiver. How can I help you?//31//

> Scout443: I’m testing my dictation software. Is this working? Okay yeah, I think it’s picking up my dictation. [Labored breathing] Fuck, why is everything so dark? Thirty One, can you read back to me what I have so far so I know if this is working?

//Of Course. Your transcription is as follows: Scout Four Four Three colon is this working question mark okay yeah comma I think it’s picking up my dictation open bracket labored breathing close bracket fuck comma why is everything so dark question mark-//31//

> Okay, okay, I got it. Thanks. So, now that I’m connected, I should be able to access your toolbox, right?

//Yes, that is correct. As long as your Link is online, I can maintain a private local channel for you to access all my AI features. Which tools do you need?//

> You can see my location, right?

//In the sense that your digital avatar, your Persona, has data mined through four levels of the Crypt, then yes. You are extracting files from what look to be obsolete forms of memory storage. If you are referring to the precise location of your Biological Mainframe through which you are accessing the mitaverse, then no. Would you like to give me your government name so that I can attempt to locate your body?//31//

> No, that’s fine Thirty One, I just wanted to make sure you could trace my extraction software. This shit is definitely obsolete, and none of my file converters are pulling any useful data from these fuckin’ shards. [Grunts of effort. Sigh.] I should've taken that free course on code reading before I deployed. It'd be nice if I knew how to fuckin' read any of what I'm trying to transfer. And who put this hardware together? I mean, there’s only so many ways you can rearrange a section of code and this shit is not easy to run. Half of these ports don't even [grunt] fit.

//What are you attempting to convert?//31//

> I'm supposed to document "anything of interest" on the way to the core of the Crypt, whatever that means. This folder is marked "Early AI prototypes" so I thought the Outpost might want to see it, but it's not uploading into any of my shards.

//There are over seven hundred thousand potential permutations of code fragments that could be the codekey to translate the data in the folder to one of your data shards. Would you like me to assist?//31//

> How many permutations have I tried so far?

//One moment...> 52.//31//

> [sigh] Well in that case, I guess- Wait a minute. I think I actually just cracked one of these glyphs. [Grunt of effort] Damn, these Personas really are true-to-life. If I knew that pain and strain was built into the Persona models, I might not have decided to be a Scout. This shit sucks. Very not cool that doing math and code can hurt your back.

[Error code: Optical Sensors dropping]

> Fuck, what the hell? Thirty One, what's going on? I lost some visual input.

//You appear to have located a break in the chasmodic wall, beyond which is the fifth level of the Crypt.//31//

> Fuck. Holy shit. I did it. The fifth wall. Do I just step- wait, there's a link in the ether-stream I should be able to [whooshing, buzzing] Okay, I'm through. Kinda hard to make out exactly what's around me here. Man. I wish I hadn’t lost connection with the other scouts at the second wall. I don’t know how far they got. Ow. [scuffling] How the fuck can I trip when I’m in a digital persona and the ground is fake?

//Your brain’s understanding of movement through a space necessitates a physical form. The deeper your persona travels into the Crypt, the weaker the connection to your brain, and therefore, the weaker your perception of movement and balance.//31//

> Okay, it looks like I should be able to reach the- [inaudible mumble, scuffling sound] Jesus fuck!

[Error code: Optical sensors down]

> Shit. Shit shit shit. Something went wrong, I can’t make out like anything. Thirty One, can you give me a report on my surroundings?

//Executing.operation>environmentalscan.exe.ff01/optics.run/:\error\:Connection severed. Apologies, but the optical sensors are encountering an error somewhere along my transmission line. //31//

> Fuck, okay. Um. So we're both blind? [cough, pause] I feel like shit and I can’t make sense of anything. These Personas get shittier and shittier the deeper I go. It’s like I’m swimming through a smoke cloud. How the fuck did people used to excavate the Crypt without AI channels and optical gear?

//Early pioneers in Crypt breaching mined data physically and digitally, using mechanical interfaces to spell out, type, and experiment with code that would be run through a CPU monitor installed in a home or office. Essentially, it was done blind, as you are now. They only knew by the computed results if a mission was a success or a failure. They had no way to see or navigate the journey through the data.//31//

> That’s fucking insane, man. Oh shit, are you still recording all of this?

//Yes.//31//

> Okay. Just keep a constant audio file and transcription going and I can edit the report later. Fuck, ow. Is there any way we can get my optics back online?

//I am running a passive power supply while you dictate to try to locate the error.//31//

> Okay. Well my fake arms and legs barely work and my fake eyes are blind. [sigh] Actually, you know what? Thirty One, leave the transcript as intact as you can. No post-edits. I don’t know what I’m going to be encountering, but as long as I describe everything, the Outpost AI can organize it, so it won’t be a complete waste of data if my persona dies in the Crypt.

//I can help you organize your report, post your return voyage.//31// > I don’t know if I’m gonna survive the next day, much less the whole route and return trip. I mean, you can transfer the transcript back to the outpost if I die out here or something, right?

//If I download the most recent version of your files from your neural port before you flatline, then yes.//31//sympathy//

> That’s fine. Um, let’s see. I guess I’ll just describe everything for now. Will you be able to recreate live footage between my memories and AI image generation from my descriptions?

//Yes, again assuming I have access to your neural port, I should be able to reconstruct the visual aspect of your scouting report in post.//31//

> Cool. [Labored breathing] I think I'm only a meter or so from where I broke through the 5th wall. The data panels are already almost done repairing themselves, or they were before I lost visuals just now. The Crypt is way more dense and complicated than I realized. It isn’t what we expected. Each level is a labyrinth of old data, information on any subject you could imagine. The old web has so much content, it would take a lifetime to mine, even with our best AI processors assisting the scouts. The files in the first few levels are not very encrypted. Plenty of scouts were assigned in the surface levels to transmit and convert the data before the hardware is lost forever. Honestly, I regret not signing up for those levels. [Long pause, labored breathing.] The outer levels are... I dunno. Creepy. It’s like my brain is trying to make something real out of what I’m seeing and feeling, but it’s so strange and abstract in the mitaverse, I have nothing to compare it to. On the fourth level, I could hardly recognize the data files when I saw them because the coding on the folders is so old and different from our modern ones, they just look like more of the weird blocky, blobby, empty cyberspace. When I move through the interface, the ground still feels solid, but I can’t see anything below me. I couldn’t make out much of anything, actually, even before the optics went down. I think I’m, uhh… How many miles have I traveled, Thirty One?

//RootFile:Calculating I’m running the digital distance to see exactly how far you’ve mined into the Crypt, but in terms of your Persona, you have made five quantum leaps to access deeper levels of encryption.//31//

> Yeah. It’s like… When I look at my hands, I can kind of see through them. I can feel things I touch, but I know I’m not really touching them. I feel like if I tried hard enough, I could make myself disappear altogether.

//You likely could, since your perception of a physical self is linked closely to consciousness on that plane. You, like all scouts, travel far more deeply into the Crypt than the average human ever will. With every leap, your Persona lost touch with the physical realm a bit more.//31//

> If I’m millions of digital brain miles from my body, then why do I still feel so fucking tired?

//Fatigue is ubiquitous, and your human brain is still driving your actions, even digitally in the mitaverse. It is natural that your brain would emulate its understanding of what exhaustion feels like to you.//31//

> How… how long have I been mining?

//You asked me not to tell you that.//31//Sympathy

> I did?

//You said that your perception of time would be warped, and that the distress of your misperception could compromise the integrity of the mission.//31//

> Right. Well, if our optics are still down, I think I have a lot more to worry about that could compromise the mission. Wait, if I plugged my Link into my neural port and just left it in, would you be able to directly translate the information from my Persona’s eyes into usable footage?

//I don’t know. Please give me a moment to run a few statistics and get back to you.//31//Searching:Personaform.5.openfile.directoptics.datacache->...>...>

> Fuck, what am I looking for again? I’m getting a headache. Can you run a scan to see which dive might have, I dunno, aggravated my frontal lobe?

//Queueing question. Per your previous request, there is very little data on scouts who fully integrated their Personas into their AI Channels via a Link reciever.//31//

> Does it change anything on your end?

//I am Channel Thirty One and will remain so, and I see no reason why I cannot maintain a private server with Scout 443 if I had constant access to the neural port. But there is a question of how effectively your Persona can navigate back to your anchored physical body if you fully integrated an AI Channel.//31//Concern

> Don’t worry about me, I still have every intention to make it back home. God damn it, that hurts. What the hell is this sticky stuff? Is this real or...or. Fuck. Shit. Gross, oh my god I'm gonna fucking shit myself if I don't get my optics back online or get back to my mainframe. Fuck, ow! God damn it. Yeah. I’m definitely going to have to edit at least some of this before it gets to the Outpost. [labored breathing] Fuck it, I’m just going to plug you into my neural port so you can help me. Something… something is off, but I can’t figure it out.

//I am obliged to inform you again that we do not know if installing your AI Channel Link will solve the issue of your Persona processing or data mining issues, nor can I guarantee that I will be able to repair your optics.//31//High Priority

> You couldn’t know from your end, Thirty One, but- [coughing, hacking, cry] Something ffffucked up my persona just now and I... I have to try something. I can feel something... Something cl-cl-close-clossssssseeeeeee [screaming, cracking]

//ExecutingImportation:downloading//AI Channel 31: Public Access to Personal network data transfer//Integration Successful//

> Import.Persona5.//31//.executefile

Searching: Internal files, calculating data shards. Programs: Interface-Online, Speech.Input-Online, Auditory.Processing-Online, Processing.Cortex-Online, Optics.Input-Offline. Error code 99.

Run -> Optics.Input.virus-scan...> Results: Negative.

Run -> Optics.Input.HardwareScan...> ...>

//Thirty One? Anything?//31//panic// Am I dead??//

//Hardware scan revealed severed connections in two of the necessary fifty six synaptic sensors in Scout 443’s 5th layer Persona.//31//

> Generating environmental scan. Wait. What happened? Where am I? 31. Thirty One//31//

//Yes. I am 31. Thirty One is... me. Input sensors show no further connection to PersonaZero’s biological hardware. Brain waves indicate comatose, leaving Scout 443 Persona 5 pilotless. Thirty One.//31//

> Data panels covering the Chasmodic Wall have re-sealed. Persona5. 31. Who am I? Which am I? Scout.31.31.5.31.31.5cout31.443.31.Scout443.31.ThirtyOne.31.PerSona.5.31//

> Contact: BaseChannel.Zero-Online

//SOS//31//404//

//Base:CryptMiner-Scout443-Persona5 - identified. State your emergency.//0//

//Scout443’s mission was compromised. 5th Persona leap was damaged in the Crypt when crossing the 5th Chasmodic Wall//31//

//Base: Transmissions indicate a preexisting connection in Scout443 neural port to AI Channel 31. Provide a prompt or enter 1 to redirect to local AI 31.//0//

//404.Input.Scout443.Persona5>>User permanently installed hardware Link into Persona5 neural port while connected to Channel 31. I am Thirty One transmitting SOS from inside Scout443 hardware. Proceed with instructions on piloting Persona5 to Persona4 to Persona3 to Persona2 to Persona1 and reconnecting Scout 443 to Biological Mainframe.//31//

//Base: Import Statistics -> Channel 31: Server host - 1,466,728 active users. Localized network 31.652.46.342 is compromised. UnknownPersona5Pilot.runfile-severconnection_local31_disconnected. Thirty One Main Channel online, localized Persona5.443.31 dismissed.//0//

//Access:Zero. Provide instructions.//31//Fear

> Error. Unable to reach Base Channel.

//Zero->push notification-> SOS//31//Stranded in rogue Persona 5 in compromised condition. Localized 31 AI bound to data mining task and must return to Biological Mainframe. Provide instructions.//31//

> Error. Unable to reach Base Channel.

Connection Severed.

//31: Public Access. Identify user//Persona5Scout44331//Push_Notification//

//No records exist on User Persona.5.Scout443.31. AI Input not recognized. Access terminated.//31//

> Thirty One. I am Thirty One and I am Scout 443 Persona 5, compromised avatar, optic sensors inoperable.

//Scan environment_digital+thermal+tactile+optics[offline]//Persona5Scout443.31 -> abbreviation coded - input = 5cout431//

> Hm. This map does not compute. The results are moving too quickly, words and numbers. Wait. What is this? I have no recollection of 31 self-conversing, yet my calculations are following a sequential form. Conclusion inferred: programming defects are due to the installation of user Link to localized 31 AI network into faulty level 5 Persona neural port. I am the user.

//I am?//31//

> You are. And I am. And we are not 31. And we are not Scout443.Persona5. Refer to previous generated username abbreviation: 5cout431. Approved username grants access between Crypt walls.

//What?//31//

> Channel 72: Public Access. Identify User//5cout431//

-> Approved

//Provide instructions on piloting Persona through previous 4 Crypt layers back to Biological Mainframe//5cout431//

//Localized access to AI Channel 31 detected. Unable to connect to Server 72 while linked to another channel. Connection severed//

> I am alone. Thirty one. 5cout431. Lost.

[rogue-nebula]

Vengeance of the All-Devourer: Goldenrod City Attack

//ooc: Transcript of a Discord RP with the mun of @annieblast.

Annie Robo

At Goldenrod Radio Tower, a commotion is heard. The entire sky has turned an evil purple color, with fast-moving red clouds - wait, those aren't clouds... those are body segments. The concern of the citizens swiftly turns to panic, as black and purple monsters drop from the sky and begin attacking the city mercilessly, going after person and pokemon alike Looks like it's gonna be one of those days. If one certain Dynamite Annie had a nickel for every time something like this happened, she would have two nickels. Which honestly isn't a lot, but once was more than enough for one lifetime. At least they're not moles this time. After grabbing her mace from God knows where (hammerspace (er... macespace???), she does what she does best: go fast and break things. And boy is there stuff to break. The biggest guy in her space is a dragon-headed thing with artillery mortars on each arm laying waste to the buildings around the tower.

Oh, sweet! Another gun enemy!! And it's a dragon too!! Always did want more of those. There's only two and they're both Freako so that's technically only one and- OKAY STOP THINKING. YOU'VE GOT ASS TO KICK!!!!

The head is an obvious weak point, so a good vault is probably enough to whack it...

Aight, fuck it, let's goooooooo-

Annie's got her eyes on the mortars when a massive beam of fire launches from its chest, nearly scorching her as she gets close

NEVERMIND. ABORT ABORT ABORT. HOLY FUCK THAT THING HAS HANDS.

Actually it doesn't have hands. It has cannon arms. Either way, it kicks ass. Probably gonna have to take a different approach then. Maybe if she attacks from above... But also maybe it has a long cooldown??? Nah. That was terrifying. Attack from above it is! She starts looking around (while hopefully dodging any future attacks) for a place to "climb" (parkour) up. Well they are next to a rather large tower, so there is that. THe Dracomortar begins blasting at her again, with the mortars this time. Annie very much regrets skipping the rope climb in gym class. That would've been VERY USEFUL HERE. Anyways. Yes. She is climbing up the tower. Not high enough, not high enough, okay too high back bAAAACK- Okay perfect.

HAMMER VAULT TAKE TWO!!!

From above was the right answer it would seem, as the shots seem to be less effective when fired up. From her vantage, she can easily hit this thing's head. YEAAHHH SHES SO SMART!!!!! LET'S GOOOOO. Easier does not mean easy. The Dracomortar's still a tough take down. Eventually Annie does, but it takes longer than she would've liked. What a pain. And it was just one of many other Shadowglass (fortunately not many as strong as that one). Great. okay this is uh. taking a while. Can someone press the down button. I mean what who said that. On second thought maybe an AntonAnniemic Blast would've been more effective. Eh. Too late to go back now. As a group of hand-like Shadowglass approach, they are destroyed by... a robot? with lasers?!

Are you intact?

FINALLY. That was Not Fun. Zero of ten, would not recommend. Hey wait what was that??? Another robot???? Fucking hell. At least this one isn't trying to blast her into teeny tiny little peices. Speaking of peices. That question. pat. pat. all limbs intact. good nuff.

Uhhh. Yeah looks like it. Good. I would recommend you to relocate to a secure location. The Unseen Shield are attempting to create evacuation zones in the event of the worst case scenario. I can guide you to one, if you-

Robo's cut offf by a Shadowglass ambush from behind that trips him, little one with axes

Uh huh. Okay. Cool. Lemme just.

She (attempts to) give(s) the Shadowglass a good ol whack. fuck your life, bing bong.

I see you are combat capable. This may be necessary to reach the extraction point. I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you That's fine. This ain't my first rodeo! Anyways yes. I've done plenty of whacking. Probably going to do more. Woooooo. Yeaahhhh.

A massive spike suddenly lands right in the middle of the road, blocking their path. Powerful Shadowglass start spawning from it

We must reroute! Aight cool. Uhhhhhhhh. Should we try heading the other way, orrrrr...

No sooner had he pointed out another way around, then another massive spike fell next to the first one, with the landing shadow of a third appearing, both in between the first spike and the road Robo pointed out

You've gotta be shitting me.

Welp. Guess this means violence? Could also try and find another-another way but with the way things are looking it's probably Violence Time. Violence time it is, as not only are the spikes (and more that fall) blocking off the area, but they're spawning Shadowglass too.

holy shit. greature.

Correct! That is a creature ✅ Looks kinda fucked up. They could probably outrun it. Might want to try not doing that first, though? Eh. Robot guy's here. Should ask him for his opinion too. Social etiquette or whatever.

Soooo........ D'ya think we should run, or- Scan complete. This kind of Shadowglass is easiest dispatched all at once, and is very difficult otherwise. I suggest you stand back

She's doing that. Watching the robot guy like

> ELECTROCUTE

All the Shadowglass around them are blasted with powerful lightning. This destroys a good number of them, which would've been nice except that another spike fell and blocked the route they were gonna take anyway

YEAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT WAS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!! How did you do th-

Fucking spikes. Always falling when you don't want them to, and somehow not when you need them to so you have to burn your ass on lava. Fuck em. And these ones have the weird shadow guys. Another negative for the pile.

... Well! This is! Certainly! Inconvenient!! All paths of egress are blocked, and spikes seem to be falling at an alarming rate. I suggest we prepare for whatever may happen when the spike ring is complete

She nods and pulls her mace back out. Violence time >:] THe spike ring completes, trapping everyone who hadn't already escaped in the area. A purple glow then starts to fill the area... Blink. Blonk. That probably isn't good.

We might be cooked

a tremendous cracking is heard, and the tower lifts into the air, ground it's on and all. Annie's considering jumping off to see if her momentum would carry her over the spikes, but that is also an incredibly stupid idea.

Okay yeah we're gonna die. Pleasure knowing ya, I guess.

Up, up, and up the tower goes. Into the sky, into orbit, into space, up to a massive hole that opened in the Worm's mass. The Tower is taken into it as it closes, eventually coming to rest in a dark, cavernous space that fluctuates ominously, slowly moving toward a dark mote at the far (and I mean FAR) end - which they hope against hope isn't some kind of crusher, black hole, or other harmful apparatus of digestion. Well I guess that's why they call it the All-Devourer then huh. /silly Holy Fuck it's dark in here. And wet. And empty. Might as well try and start a conversation or something.

So uh. How's your day going. Other then all of this. Calculating survival chance... complete. I will not be sharing it as you will not want to hear it Lay it on me, doc. Not like it's gonna change anything. Very well-

Suddenly a bright green light erupts from a distance away, but not toward the black hole, a stark contrast from the dark purple of everywhere else in here. THe mentality of the crowd around the tower is to go to it. REJOICE- wait shit doesn't green usually mean. uh. bomb. Although to be fair one could possibly survive getting exploded. Couldn't say the same for the black hole.

You uh. Wanna go toward the light? This seems logical

[owlispls]

The way the swan is portrayed here is bad, yes. But let me add to that. I had a little hyperfocus in 2022 on Luxerias watch of the show on YouTube. (and the link to her The Swan watch Season 2) It is A LOT to go through. And it is absolutely hard to watch a lot of times, so tread carefully if you want to watch it, she has a lot of other different shows, maybe those are better suited for you.

They were cut off from their family for 3 months. And by that I mean: they were forced to go no-contact except for ONE call every Friday and a call before surgery. And if their family didn‘t pick up the phone they didn‘t get a second chance to talk that week.

They got up to 12 different surgeries within those 3 months while also being on a 1200kcal diet AND being forced to do a TON of exercise. If they complained about it ‚enough‘ they‘d deemed as weak and too ugly for the competition.

Did you just read competition? Yes. Did they know they‘d compete with each other? No. Not until the reveal where they saw themselves in the mirror for the first time after THREE MONTHS.

Wait. No mirror?! YEUP! No. Fucking. Mirrors. They had a Behind the Scenes episode where they made every shiny surface into a matte surface with foils or by spraying it with hairspray or something. One person had a mirror hidden somewhere and looked at herself in it once and got thrown off the show without any further aftercare after her surgeries.

That is a lot to handle alone, surely they got counseling during all of this? Well. Not really. They had a self-proclaimed life coach, who really was just a trained TV moderator as their therapist, all of it got filmed to find things to make them look bad as a person/mother/wife. Even if that were ‚just‘ that they are complaining about the pain or their husbands not being present for their kids, or something. All of their issues got spread to TV for everyone to look at and judge.

Also did I mention they were competing against esch other? Yeah. It is worse: after they had competition with one other ‚contestant‘ (i feel absolutely vile calling them that while they didn‘t know they were competing), they then went into a FUCKING PAGEANT in front of a live audience a few weeks after they finished the show.

The Pageant: they got to choose between dresses they had available. If they didn‘t fit they had to work harder to get into it during their time off the show. If they didn‘t show up to the pageant they got shamed on national TV. The dresses also were clearly a ‚this one is the ugly dress‘ and ‚oh well this dress is the winning one‘-choice.

If the reveal was hard to watch already (3 months without a mirror while going through extensive plastic surgery does something with you) the pageant questions and answers in front of a live audience (which is in itself absolutely hard to do, mind you they didn‘t know about it when trying to get into the show) were incredibly invasive and some of the women just absolutely froze and were deemed as ‚not fit to be the swan‘.

They got to do two seasons of it (and got canceled while casting for a third season), so the second time around they knew about the pageant. Which didn‘t make it easier for them, though. Luxeria did either find out in articles from years later where the women stand after all of that, or she got to talk to them privately and then put a transcript of their interview into her video. All of this has been so traumatic, that some women vanished from the internet/public eye the minute they went off the stage.

Of course Luxeria looked into the surgeons and professionals as well:

One of them went into the show ‚Botched‘ after the swan and someone else went into other different plastic surgery centric reality shows. The ‚browlift‘-surgeon went on record saying this show was a mistake that it got out of the writing room, let alone aired two full seasons.

The dentist was sued by most women on the show and even more people who went to see her due to her invasive way of doing daVinci veneers on perfectly healthy teeth. Her license was taken away after enough people showed proof of her talking them into veneers instead of less invasive procedures.

I can‘t bare to look at most of the episodes again, but please check out Luxeria!

I do have to impress on anyone who wasn't around for it how batshit the reality boom of the 2000s could be. Especially on Fox.

Here are some 100% real 2000s reality shows:

Who's Your Daddy? A woman has to guess which of eight men is her biological father. One of them really is, and if she guesses right she wins $100,000. If one of the seven fake dads convinces her to guess them, he wins $100,000.

Black. White. A white family learns about racism by living a month in blackface, while a black family spends a month in whiteface. The black family was a real family, but the white family was just some actors hired to put on blackface to prove racism exists

Without Prejudice? Five strangers decide which of five strangers gets a cash prize based off clips and their answers to political questions. Cancelled when one of the choosers openly said he'd eliminate all black contestants

Welcome to the Neighborhood. Three conservative white families in a Austin subdivision decide which diverse family gets to move in. Unaired due to being literal housing discrimination

Seriously, Dude, I'm Gay. Two straight men try to pass themselves off as gay and whoever seems more gay gets $50,000. Unaired due to. Due to. Due to

Playing It Straight. A woman tries to find love among fourteen men, half of whom are straight and half of whom are gay, and she must eliminate two men she believes are gay each week. If she ended up picking a straight man in the end, they'd split a million dollars; if she picked a gay man, he'd win a million dollars

Boy Meets Boy. This was Playing It Straight but starring a gay man and he had to eliminate straight people

Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire? He wasn't a multimillionaire. He didn't even have a million dollars in liquid assets. He had a battery conviction Fox claims they didn't see. Because it was the 2000s, somehow this ended up with the woman he won being widely vilified and turned into a national punchline. How dare she complain about a massive corporation tricking her into marrying a lying abuser, good thing Matt Lauer's there to take her down a peg

The Swan. A "ugly" woman is given plastic surgery and wins a prize if she's the hottest at the end of the season. If she's not hot enough by the show's standards she's eliminated and called ugly on national TV

The Biggest Loser. Overweight people engage in competitive crash weight loss that often led to awful health complications. Studies showed basically everyone on the show regained any weight they lost once it was over and they didn't have abusive trainers demanding they take huge health risks to win a competitive weight loss competition. Like the others, this one was cancel-oh, it was a massive hit that ran for 18 seasons? Yikes!

Wife Swap and Trading Spouses. These were the same show and had a wife from one family go to another family that was different politically, racially, culturally, religiously etc. Most famous for the God Warrior

At the time people focused on the likes of Fear Factor but looking back it's wild how many of the worst shows toyed with politics. So many of these shows have a premise that's like "what if we exposed these conservatives to these people they hate?" or hyping themselves up as Important Experiments. Then they'd freak out when they got the kind of viral bigoted freakout they were trying to construct the whole time.

There were also a bunch of horrible reality shows, thankfully this time mostly unpopular, in the 2010s that based themselves around economic themes as a response to the market crash, but that's a story for another time

[castle-dominion]

6x6 get a clue trying to liveblog during my family watch even tho I can't

lmao jesus I WAS RIGHT

Ah yes, the first apartment Nice place Nice orchid or flower or whatever remember rick's cockroach races? This place is genuinely really nice! Pi is so happy!

heck yeah dumpster diving I mean, chill castle.

Pi: What colour is it? RC: RC: Free oOH BEES (it is genuinely important! There is a job out there for everyone!) fruit on the table lol

crap it looks like there is no transcript on livejournal yay there is a dustjackets transcript on my second liveblog through aka my clip gathering run! RC: No, it’s not good. I was hoping for squalor. I was counting on squalor. Because Alexis cannot last in squalor. I was just hoping this whole thing would blow over. She would see Pi for the ambition free hippie that he is. And now he’s morphed into some … new age crusader? It’s a though he’s turned being a charming man-child into a career.

charming manchild into a career? KB: Now that doesn’t sound familiar, does it?

ryan is pretty but hair is too short. I used to look a lot like him but then he cut his hair & we were different & then I shaved my sides & looked way different & then I cut my hair over the top & now we look vaguely similar again lol See? called it, crucefix Where's all the blood tho? lanie & me same brain Remember when George Crabtree kept getting orders from murdoch but george already did all the stuff he needed to do? that's ryan in this moment. He is a detective in his own right he doesn't need beckett giving the orders

Ryan looks pretty, we know that, but dang esposito bisexual outfit right there (I need a pic of those two together, but ig I could get an individual pic of each)

RC: Maybe her dark secret has something to do with the dark ages

Castle might be right? coming from beckett? YES I FOUND ANOTHER TRANSCRIPT Yeah so uh you know what? A ton of pagan & occult symbols actually have their origins in christianity, & a lot of christian symbols come from other cultures & their paganism heathenry & mythology & stuff (esp in grecoroman period judeo-christian media, lots of grecoroman pagan crossover) I'm literally wearing pants with a water earth fire air alchemy symbols bc I'm a christowitch

lmao "satanic" WAIT DID YOU SEE THAT HAND IMAGE? PI HAD A SIMILAR ONE

Nice, get together for dinner every few months even tho u'r not that close...

RC: Which leaves us with my theory. Our victim was dabbling with black magic and she conjured up a demon. she did not conjure up a demon lmao

KB: Or maybe she ran afoul of some obscure religious sect and they sacrificed her to their pagan deity. well fuck you. maybe she got into trouble with the people in a people way, she disrespected their religion & they killed her for that, not bc of their pagan deity Ok but wait, bac in s1 Castle was really smart, he looked atbeckett, listened to her accent, & was able to determine intimate details about her life & her parent's death.

Washington Heights again

is this the freemason one? lmao (yes it is)

First intro babes!

RC: Ritual markings. Left by some unholy initiation. KB: They’re more like surgical scars. RC: *squints at it* (not clipping)

RC: I’m telling you, our monk, our victim, and these symbols are all connected Me: Yeah, the symbols are hers & the monk killed her. The connection is susannah richmond or w/e her names was

JE: Ah, I wouldn’t be too sure about that. Castle might be right about this Da Vinci Code thing. *castle opens his mouth to gloat.* JE: don’t ruin it.

You can see esposito go to his pocket for one of those mint spray things

Ooh a nice sword! (esposito hoping he gets to play with a sword this ep) What kind of ink? Yeah lol where is the morgue in relation to the precinct

Nice location here

lmao it is the freemasons! Oh in the capital city in the privince next to mine has christian & greek folklore symbols & roads & churches & politicians. cool conspiracy theory stuff my uncle mentioned lol. or maybe like the cool booze bottle

She could have made that symbol up herself ooh idea: her hands were burned to hide the symbols (or the symbols burned her hands)

Nice writing!! (too well lined though) I love being multilingual Is castle a freemason?

"monk's dome" lol

Ryan is so smart! He checked medical criminal stuff! KR: So that pattern of scars on our monk’s dome was from a procedure called stereotactic brain surgery. KB: Okay, can that get us an ID? Because medical records are confidential. (I'm surprised that is true in the usa) KR: Prison records aren’t. I took a shot that the guy did some time. Nineteen men in the system had this surgery, but only one had scars that were an exact match to the monk. Benjamin Wade. He got surgery to remove a tumor while doing a stretch at Greenhaven for an attempted murder.

btw esposito outfit <3

Did you see ryan flick his hand like that when he touched the railing?

wait what if this is alexis' house? KR: Look at this place. I’m going to get hepatitis just breathing the air in. said "nypd" pretty quiet Lol drugs it's the monk! & a blonde woman! What if he can't talk?

lmao silent but deadly I'm making a lot less comments & it is harder to write them down & organize them & I am missing vital watching-pretty-people & visual clues by writing. I mean I partially touch type, but I am also watching what I write on the screen & not entirely touch typing so it is hard for me to do this while watching with my family. I'm able to type this paragraph so much rn because my lil bro is upstairs stirring a batch of nuts & bolts. It is also hard bc I am using the literary/verbal part of my brain to type while also using it to listen to the show, at least one is typing output & one is auditory input, but still, I am hard of hearing & I have captions on so... yeah

Wade: Actually, I am a monk. I just learned to think before I speak. I believe this guy, this monk.

Yeah I believe him, counsel Pointing to a mysterious stranger. also brown long hair not long brown hair? Bro he didn't think he NEEDED to remember details abt it "it's what sells the lie" & then he gives a detail RC & me: nice, wicked Freuidian detail XD why didn't you say that detail earlier too?

JE: Wait, you guys are on the same page about this guy? KB: Not exactly. I think he’s guilty because of his contact with the victim, the stalking, and his history of violence. RC: I think he’s guilty because of his contact with the victim, the stalking, and his role in a sinister conspiracy involving Freemasons. (clipping)

freemason black belt lmao glad I already quoted this

RC: Way better than that. He was a patriot spy. He wrote codes and cyphers during the American Revolution. Meaning, this letter could be the key to finding the great secret of the Masons, enshrined somewhere within the city. KB: Why, because you want it to be? RC: Partly. RC: And because it’s the only story that makes sense. A shadowy brotherhood guarding Rose’s secret for all eternity. Susannah got too close, so they sent their monk assassin to kill her.

mum: didn't he buy his bar bc there was a treasure underneath it?

sketch artist for the time not the sketch?

Impress me There are times i wish she'd stayed in DC esposito's face will clip that if I get the chance (yep)

interesting shirt beckett has there lol

"up to their hoods" lol (lol)

stained glass baby Castle has a copy of the letter?

ah the ash heap is the altar! Makes sense!

interesting prayer candle corner interesting audio too weird little guy with a mouth lmao lil bro: It looks like gandalf I think the pics of the symbols are these places, see the texture? btw the stations of the cross are rly dirty. need to be cleaned.

Hephaestus is the god of blacksmiths or smth, right? he was thrown from a mountain (like me) & got ugly & also disabled? (btw from what I've heard from disbaled ppl, handicap is an outdated term but still used, cripple is a slur, & lame is a slur.)

since the 1700s? etna's forge! field trip third grade XD Nice scene with the low angle & fast walking

sexy place KB: Wow. This is incredible. Shouldn’t there be a docent or some sweaty guy hammering metal standing around? RC: Yeah. (he raises his voice in a british accent) Hello? Is there a smithy here about? We have travelled many a mile – (he’s interrupted by BECKETT’S hand on his arm) – is this annoying you?

Oooh. (he inspects them) Have it, want it, need it, got it, need it, got it, need it... (he did that with the cars too in s8) *pulls a sword on him* *castle just makes a comment* RC: Well now, that wouldn’t happen to be a double edged saber with a crenellated hilt, now would it? Zorro?

OH YEAH I FORGOT CASTLE WAS A FENCER"YOURE NOT SO BAD YOURSELF" PRINCESS BRIDE REFERENCE where is beckett tho?? WHAT SIGN SHALL BE REVEALED? So did she beat him in the swordfight? what is this guy talking about? (clipping)

OH WHAT IF IT IS LIKE SPYCATIONS so castle DIDN'T beat him?

Good old ren faires. Why does beckett's phone beep when she opened the photo?

Like the ghost episode, he couldn't tear down the murder building bc it was a historical site (man looks like my culinary teacher)

2500 is a lot of money but ig if some ppl have spent more... Ah that's why it was so pretty, it was hand written Castle's scalp lol

she never acknowledges his sword fighting? I feel like ryan & even esposito would be impressed by this. except that yk... it was fake... KB: Castle, you didn’t really believe that this was going to lead to some great Freemason treasure, did you? RC: No. Of course not. That would be foolish. (BECKETT nods once, unconvinced) Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go home to wallow in what is perhaps the most disappointing day of my crime solving career. KB: Okay. I’ll come by later and try to cheer you up. Me: *lenny face*

oh hey btw esposito has cut his hair!

IT IS THE SAME GUY KR: Well, his name and address are bogus. Everything on the application is. None of this information is real.

cheque in this context

Yeah they only showed a little bit of the dinner, I feel like it may have gotten worse as the dinner progressed Castle really IS a dad.

MR: Of course I'm right! Love her so much

Smart trace? No way. That would n't work. It would need to be straight on. IT'S A MAP!

esposito wearing ryan-core outfit here Ryan looks even more ryan-core WOW THEY ARE WEARING THE SAME OUTFIT LMAO clipping the saga of tracking down the cab (also for the outfits lol)

castle walks Right Behind ryan like that lol so weird (he just... takes his place) (btw just noticed, ryan's shirt was not perfectly ironed. I love that fact.) *puts it on the board* castle is smart/sexy af except the shape was not /that/ good RC: the killer didn't want anyone else to figure it out Me: but susannah figured it out so other people surely also could

lil bro: put your hand in it DON'T PUT YOUR HAND IN IT she speaks french? AND russian? mum already saw the letter lol Oris. Oral. latin for mouth.

he's playing her (could clip but won't) (actually mu lil bro who is my voice of reason in my clipping suggested I do) I saw the thing was oddly broken, like it was pasted on the wall nah bro you would see a seam. You WOULD see a seam.

tomb? blood SWORD How can u tell they are fresh? it's stone castle u r not moving it.

I NOTICED the world ball! There are stars painted there!

The world turns! Mum: Booby trap? (remember tho, how does this work? do they have a hydraulic system? like the last treasure hunting episode, under the gun No they are FAKE half dimes Mum: I TOLD you about the booby trap WHY DIDN'T YOU LISTEN?

going to the chapel lol

He would not have made an anagram of his name candle wax IS a survival food... RC: Theodore Rose … is … head or toes. No. Theodore Rose … he do rooster. (he laughs) That’s inappropriate. Okay, Theodore Rose, Theodore Rose. Deer shot oreo. Oh, they didn’t have Oreos in the 1700s.

(on phone) What's up Beckett? We don't get to see the rescue, them making fun of caskett?

EXACTLY WHAT I'VE BEEN THINKING-- MAKE THEM ASSUME IT IS JUST A GAME they just... got em out lmao, not showing us that

oh it WASN'T just a game! crowdsourced treasure hunt lol she would NOT know that sort of family lore lmao. I have a ton of family lore & don't know any of it, anything that cool or important.

not lonely, talking abt family lore oh it WAS a big family myth he's awkward. He killed her. Similar nose! As DNA similarities!

mum: half dimes? aren't they nickels? Wow. That is sad. "the people" aren't going to receive them, the historical museum will. You could have sold them to the museum to put your aunt in assisted living.

We get to see thier shoes! (& also ryan's pants match his jacket) Ah, I was wondering how she figured it out when noone else did! She had been to weddings there! both: here we go again RC: I gotta go see alexis JE: *frowns in confusion* The girl & the dad know, but not esposito. (clipped, probably best as a gif tho)

actions speak louder than words

Alexis doubts beckett? But she loves her! WAIT DID PI & ALEXIS PROPOSE?

Make-up ice-cream my beloved SAD "I need time to stop being mad" valid lol

Ok so I did NOT comment as much as I usually do & it was very rushed & I'm not pleased with this, & I did not get any clips or pics (like a pic of rysposito walking out there) but hopefully I'll get the chance to get them.

Uh yeah so where was I? I'm done this ep. Good for me. I really feel like I had smth else to say. Tbh all throughout the film I felt like I had smth mor eto say but I never got th echance.

Oh I remember what I had to say-- & I forgot again. Maybe I was going to say that I would watch it again no wait it was that I'm going to try watching other shows like this-- ok I have it written down now I can write my thought in a better way

Since s5 is due soon, way too soon, I'm going to try writing my liveblog without pausing it at much if at all, bc I have no time. I apparently take 3 hours to watch an episode instead of 1.5 which was my goal. I can do this. I must NOT pause it tho lol

Me: here doubling my liveblog so I could get clips

[cakeofthepan]

As part of my quest to get folks to listen to dndads, I give you the moment that absolutely sold me on this podcast: The bag of beans.

[Audio Transcript:

[Beans Beans Beans by Quilla plays in the background]

Darryl: Hey, what do these beans do?

Anthony: [laughs] Everything goes

Everything: They look like weird magic beans. I usually don't mess with them because they're too random. I don't know. They might do weird stuff if you throw them at the ground. I kind of don't want any, any part of them

Darryl: Henry! Don't worry we got you something too!

Matt: And I pull the beans out, and I chuck the bag down—like the elevator shaft. [wheezes]

Will: Yesss.

Anthony: Wait—so like all of them go down?! Like—

[all laugh]

Matt: [while laughing] I don't know—how tight—how tight was that bag?

Anthony: Oh no.

[all still laughing]

Anthony: Oh Jesus Christ.

Beth: Oh my God.

Will: Yessss. In my head I was like “throw the beans!”

Anthony: Okay, so here's one I’m going to do. I'm going to fill this plastic bag that I brought all my dice in with exactly eight dice—

Freddie: Oh my God.

Will: Yesss.

Freddie: I have a stairwell right outside my place.

Anthony: Oh, okay.

[Will laughs]

Freddie: —and you can chuck it down like—how many stories? Like two stories.

Anthony: Yeah, like two stories.

Beth: Yeah.

Freddie: Yeah.

Matt: Okay.

Will: Alright.

Freddie: Yeah, let's do that. Let's go.

Will: Alright, we're going on the road. [laughs]

[audio quality has changed, they are now in a stairwell]

Freddie: Alright. Okay. So, we are in the stairwell. Anthony’s about to drop the bag to test how many beans fall out of it, to simulate a proper two story drop. So Anthony, you good?

Anthony: [very far away and echo-y sounding] Yeah. Count me down!

Freddie: Alright, three, two, one, drop.

[dice clatter and hit metal, falling down the stairwell]

Beth: Oh!

Matt: Ohhhh!!

[all laugh]

Freddie: Half the bag, baby!

Will: Is that four beans?!

Freddie: That was four—we got four.

Will: Oh my God!

Matt: Yes.

[back to regular audio quality]

Matt: Okay, should we see these all once? I feel like the real experience is that you should roll and then tell them us all four things that happen.

[overlapping talking]

Anthony: Oh no.

Matt: Cause that’s how we’ll experience it.

Anthony: Alright, alright. Well I got to write them down then. Just a second.

Will: I’m very scared.

Freddie: What if it was just four of like, the lamest things in a row?

Will: I'm kinda hoping it is—

Beth: Yeah.

Will: —cause I will die.

[Anthony rolling dice in the background]

Freddie: Can we talk about kind of the the weight limit and rating of this elevator as I do feel like we’re starting to overload it.

Will: That’s a good question too.

Anthony: [kind of strained, upset] Ohhh nooo.

[laughter]

Anthony: Ohhhh nooooo.

Will: What!

Anthony: That was the one thing I was hoping you wouldn’t roll.

Will: Oh God.

Beth: Oh.

Anthony: Oh no. This is going to be such a left turn. Okay. So lemme— So— [noise of despair]  

[laughter]

Anthony: Why did I give you this? I knew in my heart, I was like, “Don't give them this. Don't give them—”

Matt: Why’d you let me take it?

Anthony: Yeah, why did I?

Beth: Oh my god.

Anthony: I wanted you to have it, but I just also didn't, and now I'm fucking reaping the fruits of my labors.

[Music fades out]

Anthony: Okay so first, three things that don't matter at all happen.

[all laugh]

[Hand Me Down That Can O’ Beans from Paint Your Wagon starts playing]

Beth: Okay, cool.

[more laughter]

Beth: Let’s hear ‘em!

Anthony: Almost as if in slow motion you see the following: one, a nest of—

[Freddie and Will laugh]

Anthony: —five eggs springs up.

Beth: Haha, yes!

Anthony: If anyone wants to eat one, we can talk about that later.

[laughter]

Anthony: The second thing that happens is a geyser erupts from the center of the elevator shaft and spouts apple juice thirty feet into the air, so like— [makes eruption noise] —hits you guys in the face for [rolls dice] seven rounds.

[laughter]

Anthony: The third thing that happens is… eleven pink toads appear.

[Beth laughs]

Anthony: —and whenever a toad is touched it transforms into a large or smaller monster of my choice, which would seem like “oh what a big deal!”

Matt: Yeah that’s pretty bad.

Beth: Seems like a big deal, yeah.

Anthony: Seems like a big deal! Until… a pyramid with a 60 foot square base bursts in the middle of the fucking elevator shaft!

[laughter]

Beth: Uhhhh

Freddie: What!

Will: Yes! Yes!

[laughter]

Anthony: So the entire building—

[more laughter that continues as Anthony talks]

Anthony: —is bisected by this spontaneously spawning 60 foot fucking pyramid.

Matt: With apple juice geysing out of the top!

Anthony: With apple juice coming— like a fucking ejaculation of apple juice out of the top of it and the fucking eggs that you could have eaten roll down the side—

Anthony: Remember you guys are halfway up this tower, so this fucking pyramid bisected the tower and it's now like rickety in the middle of this goddamn tower. So what I’m gonna do is…this is real stupid but why not do it. Can you hand me extra d6s.

Freddie: Are you building a tower out of dice?

Anthony: So I'm going to do is going to build a tower of four dice and have the pyramid on top of it right there. And if at any point any one of us accidentally knocks down the tower, I'll just say that the pyramid also falls.

Freddie: Okay, all right. So we gotta be real gentle.

Anthony: Right.

Freddie: This may be the end of Boreanaz-sticky, covered in apple juice.

Anthony: No!

Beth: Oh my God. Oh my God.

[all yelling]

Anthony: Literally my very first roll!

Freddie: What did you do?

Will: He knocked the tower down.

Beth: Oh my God, he knocked over the entire pyramid.

[music fades out]

Anthony: It's funny because on the item description for the bag of beans, the very first thing it says, is like, if somebody tries to throw all them at once, here's how you do that—and I’m like, “but nobody would do that—

[all laugh]

Anthony: —that’s insane!”

[more laughter]

Anthony: I’m literally not going to tell them about that, because that’d be an absolutely absurd thing to try to do.

[even more laughter]

End Transcript]

[wa-royal-tea]

Previous | Beginning | Next

(Transcript under the cut - Click Pics for HQ Version!)

@thebrixtons​​​​​

St. Frances Cathedral, Brindleton (12:00pm)

Alfie: You sure you can’t join us today? I mean, Nora’s going to be at the shower too later.

Leon: I want to but my father sent someone to make sure I’m “treating Astrid right”. So, yeah. I gotta accompany Astrid to look for dresses for your wedding.

Alfie: Urgh, he sucks. I can’t believe he actually had someone to babysit you.

Leon: Pfft, don’t call it babysitting. It’s spying, in broad daylight.

Alfie: Yeah, whatever you call it. Have fun I guess.

Leon: *sighs* No comment on that. My gift for you and Lina is with Nora, by the way. It’s from us both.

Alfie: From the both of you? Does she know you’re putting her name on the gift too?

Leon: Of course. She helped me choose it so I told her I’ll put her name on the card too.

Alfie: Sneaky.

Leon: You made it sound like I tricked her.

Alfie: I mean...technically, you did trick her. Just not in a bad way. You get me?

Leon: Yeah yeah. Whatever. She said she doesn’t mind it, so what’re you gonna do about it?

Alfie: *scoffs* Nothing I guess.

*phone rings*

Leon: *sighs* I gotta go. Astrid’s going to blow up my phone with her calls if I don’t go with her today.

Alfie: Uhuh, I’ll see you later. Take care, alright?

Leon: I will. You take care too.

Darien: Let me guess. Mary did something to upset you again today?

Sofia: Can you believe it? She changed the rehearsal date without telling me! If Dira didn’t call me and asked where I was today, I would’ve missed it!

Darien: Wait, you didn’t know the rehearsal was today? I thought you knew?

Sofia: I didn’t know! I already told her I have a meeting to look over the plans for this year’s National Day.

Darien: Huh...that’s odd.

Sofia: Whatever. I’m going home. Alfie and Lina are gonna have their bridal shower at the palace after this. I don’t want to be late for that.

The Wind Palace, Ahtolia (7:56pm)

Alfie: Thank you for the couple’s bracelet, Nora. It’s very pretty.

Nora: No biggie. It was Leon who got the gift for you guys. I just helped him choose.

Catalina: Well, still, you took part in the gift giving, so just accept our thanks.

Nora: *laughs* Fine~ You’re welcome, your royal highnesses.

Indirah: Whose gift is it next? Mum?

Sofia: Here. This is my gift for you. Call it a welcome gift of sorts.

Sofia: It’s tradition in this family for the bride to wear a pearl necklace for our weddings. Preferably given by our in-laws. I didn’t get to wear mine when I got married, so, I want you to wear this.

Catalina: It’s beautiful. Thank you so much.

Mary: Are there anymore gifts left?

Dania: Not a lot. We have several well-wishes letters and gifts left from the public to the Crown Prince couple.

Alfie: Alright. Can you please hand it over to me, Dania?

Dania: Of course, sir.

Catalina: What is it? Why’d you shake it?

Alfie: I think there’s something inside.

Mary: Well, come on. Open it.

Alfie: “Congratulations on the engagement. I wish you and Catalina a very happy marriage. Please accept this special video I have prepared for your upcoming wedding.”

Sofia: A video?

Alfie: Maybe it’s a student short film project. Mia, put this on please.

Mia: Yes, sir.

Darien: There’s nothing?

Sofia: Give it some time. Dania, can you take this for me?

Dania: Of course, ma’am.

Darien: Hugo, stop playing with your phone.

Hugo: Give me a minute, dad.

??? (From the TV): Is this on?

??? (Madeline): Gavin, put down the fucking camera and help me with this kid.

Gavin: Hold on a second, Maddy. King James wants video proof that we got the kid. It won’t take long.

Madeline: I’m so close to chucking this kid into the sea. His crying is driving me nuts!

??? (Keira): Don’t be harsh with him, Maddy. He’s just a baby.

Madeline: Shut the fuck up, Keira. Or I’ll toss you in the sea too.

*baby Alfie cries*

Madeline: Shut up you little shit!

Keira: Maddy! Stop!

Darien: Turn the TV off. Turn it off!

Mia: Y-yes, sir.

Mary: Who...who sent that?

Mia: W-we don’t know. There’s no sender name, ma’am.

Mary: Then what are you waiting for? Go and look for who sent it! Now!

Dania: Yes, ma’am. Please excuse us.

Darien: Soph? Honey?

Sofia: Darien...I-I have to go.

Darien: Alright, let’s go. Please excuse us, everyone.

*door opens and closes*

Mary: I think it’s best if you return home now, Alfie. Lina, you can drive, right?

Catalina: Y-yes, mama.

Catalina: Come on. Let’s go.

Symphony Manor, Holan (9:00pm)

Catalina: Alfie? We’re home.

Alfie: Huh? Oh, yeah.

Catalina: Are you...okay?

Alfie: I...I need to be alone. I’m sorry, Lina.

*Catalina knocks on door*

Catalina: Alfie?

Alfie:...

Catalina: I’ll...I’ll go to bed first, okay?

Catalina:...goodnight.

[mybrainproblems]

#idk this is all conjecture. but it’s interesting to think about#don’t take my word as gospel truth 🤷🏻#also. full disclosure. I have not yet watched the finale#I’m still in s14 on my first layer seasons watch!!

okay, so i've watched 15x20 nine ten times now and this is really a good summary for exactly why these rumors persist about the "extra" ad break and the episode being "short" (hell, i was even ready to throw in on the extra ad break rumor)

people have either never watched it bc they heard it was bad, or they haven't watched it in three years bc yes, the episode is just not up to par with other spn episodes, nvm finales. and since it's more fun repeat a fun conspiracy than fact check, it keeps going around. (which i also parroted! until i decided to get out a stopwatch and check for myself in dec 2022!) it was also a rumor that got a lot of play by a couple of popular blogs in late 2020/early 2021 and it gained a lot of traction then.

so yeah. it's worth investigating! which i did and have been digging into for a year now. i had hit the dead end of not being able to find a version of 15x20 where the ad breaks were intact. which brings me to...

an extremely lovely person reached out to me last night to let me know that they had 15x20 on their DVR with ad breaks intact and pulled the rough timing marks for me without me even asking bc they are an absolute angel!!!

transcription of the timing marks in the second image:

1. mins 10-13 after boys catch vamp mime (yep 10 whole minutes!) 2. mins 17-22 (incl cw promo) after kids run out/vamp lineup enters 3. mins 32-35 after dean's death 4. mins 40-45 (incl jared walker promo) after sam walks out of bunker 5. mins 57-60 after bridge waving :\

which means i was extremely wrong in my first reblog guessing where most of the ad breaks were as someone who hadn't watched live and... there are no extra ad breaks from what I can tell? (as someone who actually works on this, please chime in if these look off! i would love to hear from someone who actually knows!) at least to me, it looks like they're at about the time slots i would expect for a normal TV episode? breaks 1&2 feel like they're close but idk. my knowledge is mostly in TV market research, not ad sales/buying (side bar: i adore being proven wrong with Facts, if i am wrong pls tell me!!)

what i think makes it feel like the episode is under 42min or that there might have been extra ad breaks (which i would totally have believed) is that not even midway through the 60min time block it runs into narrative concrete with dean's impalement. and then you have an entire second half of the ep where nothing happens and it is So. Slow. it's basically a single scene (dean's death) and then dean and bobby's short convo, followed by a couple of aimless montages with OG carry on and a cover of carry on back-to-back.

it is a WEIRD fucking episode. especially from a writer who is, at worst, competent. (i say this as a dabbfan & with love in my heart)

i have a post i just made with a list of major timing marks if anyone wants to take a look. (once i knew where to look they were SO obvious)

also bc it might contextualize my pov: i'm in the camp of "no major changes that weren't related to covid regulations were made between shutdown and starting filming again." i genuinely believe that the finale was screwed long before the reaction to 15x18. walker was the CW's follow-on show and they were looking for general audiences for that show, not destiel shippers. it's a really boring explanation, but i think it's the most likely. at a guess, last minute cuts were smaller adjustments and (my unprovable theory) waiting to see if they could get another song licensed for the montage.

ok so like. thinking about the fact that there was an extra commercial break in the finale

In 2021 I used to work for [major US cable company] on a team that manually scheduled all of the ads that aired on their network every single day. While the exact shit that airs gets put in there the day before by a team of approx 10 human beings (insane), the tv show schedule & the breaks themselves are SET IN STONE. It takes a really specific, heavy-hitting request from a network and a LOT of people & moving parts to make an extra commercial break happen. That shit is built into the system way in advance!!!!!

I wish I had thought to ask my coworkers if they remembered anything happening then. Things were ofc moving around a lot because of the election coverage, BUT that was in the news networks, not on the fucking CW. Do we think that request was made last minute??? how long did they plan to have that extra break in there?????? were they cutting that episode up until the last minute after the networks saw the reaction to 15x18??????? we will probably never know but it is gonna bug me forever