#dispatches from the academy | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

lyjen · 1 year ago

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Summary: Evan’s wife is an Elementary school teacher, but when a shooter enters the school and starts shooting at teachers, (Y/n) is the first person to help. Evan gets worried as his wife doesn’t pick up her phone, but as soon as the shooting reaches the news Evan is desperate to find out where she is.

Request by: anonymous - The request

9-1-1 masterlist

Taglist: @oliviah-25 @shauna-carsley

______

“So I want you to both be thinking about it. Put those two brains together, I want you to solve it and be able to explain how you solved it” (Y/n) finished her math instruction. “I’m going to give you two minutes to try and solve this question, you’re ready?” Her voice sounded through the classroom as she clicked on start on the timer which was displayed on the screen.

(Y/n) was an elementary school teacher, she teaches the fifth grade to be specific. She has her own classroom, a teacher assistant intern, and a really good bond with her students. She loves her job, she really does. There’s nothing in the world she’d rather be doing than working with children. Her husband, on the other hand, loved being a firefighter. It was his life, and in his words: he wouldn’t know where he’d be if he never started the fire academy.

When one of the kids asked her if she had a boyfriend, she told them she was married to a firefighter. The students were so enthusiastic and full of questions, so she decided to take the kids to the firehouse one day, to teach them about firefighters, dispatch and everything Bobby had to tell.

“Okay, so some of you came up with an answer and a solution.” She speaks to the group as she holds up her hand, motioning to the kids who were ready to throw their answer to her head, to hold up their hands. “Do we have a volunteer to tell us what answer they got and how they got it?” multiple hands had gone up into the air, but those hands quickly were put down when loud screams sounded through the hallways.

But it was the gunshot that went off after that which caught her attention the most. Her eyes shot towards her teacher assistant Katy, who was sitting at the desk grading some homework as she immediately dropped the pen. Katy’s eyes went wide when she realized what was happening while multiple gasps from the students filled the silence in the room.The gunshot sent a shiver down (Y/n)’s whole body, as she remembered the three words: Run, hide, fight.

That was the protocol. Run if you can, hide if you can not evacuate safely and fight if your life is in danger.

“Everyone. Hide underneath your desks” She said softly as she tried to stay as calm as she possibly could.

The students all get off their seats and follow their teachers instructions as Katy runs off to the windows and closes the blinds. Meanwhile (Y/n) gets the remote for the screen and quickly shuts it off and runs towards the lightswitch to turn it off.

“Katy, help me move this” she says as she tries to push a mid-high bookcase in front of the door to barricade it. Katy quickly moves towards (Y/n) and helps her move the cabinet, so no one would be able to get in or out of the classroom.

When the cabinet was on the right spot, (Y/n) made her way towards the kids to make sure they were okay.

“You’re okay, we’re going to be fine” (Y/n) whispered softly to one of the students who was having a breakdown. She took place on the ground and folded her legs over each other, and she rubbed her hands over the kid’s upper arm, as a sign that she was there. They were not alone.

She let her fingers wipe away the tears of the girl’s cheeks and tried to hush her. She didn’t want to draw any attention. The girl almost started hyperventilating because she was that scared. “Amelia I need you to take slow deep breaths” (Y/n) whispered almost inaudibly. The girl nodded her head as she tried to copy her teacher’s breathing pattern. “Good, through your nose and out through the mouth” (Y/n) complimented her.

Huddled up with some kids to her side, (Y/n) tried her best to calm down the kids who were having a hard time to deal with the situation. Students around her were silently crying, while they were comforting themselves and each other.

There was an ear deafening silence floating through the classroom. They could practically hear the clock on the wall, ticking after each minute that had gone by.

With every footstep she heard on the hallway outside of the classroom, (Y/n)’s heart would skip a beat. There could be children running for their lives, other teachers or the shooter choosing their next victim.

After minutes, maybe even an hour of sitting in silence, a high pitched yelp sounds through the walls of her classroom. But that scream gets cut off by a sudden gunshot. More gasps and sobs sound softly through the classroom. With wide eyes (Y/n) tries to focus on the sound of the hallway.

“No. No, what are you going to do?!” Katy’s voice whispered desperately as (Y/n) crouched down and made her way towards the door of her classroom. The assistant crawled her way towards (Y/n), who was down at the door. Looking through the little gap between the window of the door and the bookcase.

(Y/n) glances through the window and spots a fellow teacher, down on the ground while a puddle of blood is being created underneath her. “Don’t be a hero” Katy says as softly as she possibly could.

She turned her head at Katy, “She’s hurt and needs help, I can’t just leave her to..” she shrugged her shoulders, she couldn’t say die. Not with her kids around, not when they were already traumatized enough by the sounds “You know..” she continued as she shrugged her shoulders.

She couldn’t do nothing. That was not who she was.

“But the shooter is still out there.” Katy says as she desperately starts to look around her. “That’s why I need you to stay here and keep them safe” (Y/n) whispered as she pointed out at her class. Katy shook her head with a frightened look in her eyes “No.. I can’t do that” Katy sighed as she looked at the kids.

“It wasn’t a question Katy, stay here and keep them safe. Close the door behind me” She repeated one more time as she looked at her over the shoulder.

With both her hands she moved the bookcase on one end a little backwards so she was able to squeeze through the gap of the door. Her hand reached for the lever of the door, as she as silently as possible pulled the lever down and squeezed her body through the door. (Y/n) could hear the door close behind her.

Still crouching, she made her way towards her colleague and let her knees drop to the ground when she reached her. “You’re gonna be okay” she said, barely inaudible as she made eye contact with her. The teacher had lost a lot of blood, the puddle was becoming bigger with the second.

The female teacher had been shot in the chest. (Y/n) went with her first instinct, putting pressure on the wound. Without thinking, she pressed her bare hands onto the chest of the woman. The woman winced and hissed at the pain that was being pushed onto her gunshot wound. “I know it hurts, but you have to stay with me okay?” (Y/n) said as her eyes wandered from the wound to the woman’s eyes.

She was on the edge of passing out. (Y/n) could tell. The woman was blinking so fast, and she looked exhausted. “Shit” (Y/n) cursed as the eyes of the woman rolled to the back of her head. Quickly she pressed two fingers of her right hand into the skin of the neck to see if she had a pulse.

Her heart was still beating, which meant she just had to put pressure onto the wound. So the heart would have enough blood to pump around.

But then the feeling of a cold metal getting pressed onto her skin spreads a shiver down her entire body. Her mouth suddenly went dry and her heart was pounding in her chest, as if it was trying to break free from her chest.

(Y/n) was frozen in her position, hovering over the woman. Putting pressure to the wound which was still trying to bleed through the small gaps between her fingers..

“Let go” the sound of a low male voice said.

She swallowed, as she felt the metal being pushed, deeper into her skin. She slightly shook her head, “You don’t have to do this” she slowly said as she kept as still as possible. “I do, everyone in this building has to pay for what they did for me.”

A click sounded. He reloaded his gun. Just one click away from a bullet inside of her head.

“I get it.” her voice said as she felt her breathing become faster because of the adrenaline. “When they don’t see you. And no one is there to help.” She squeezed her eyes closed at the pressure of the gun that was being pushed into the side of her forehead.

“Shut. Up.” His voice hissed at (Y/n).

Tears were falling down her face as she tried to keep enough pressure on the wound of the woman. “Struggling every single day of your life, trying to find a reason to be here”

“I said shut up!” he yelled as he fired a warning shot into the concrete walls of the hallway.

She flinched at the sudden gunshot. But she didn’t stop. She didn’t give up. She needed to try, and enter his mind. Try to talk him out of it, or buy herself more time. “The bucket will fill itself with more and more water everyday. And one day, that bucket will overflow.” She tried to remain strong as her voice became more trembling by every word she spoke.

The man pushes the gun once again into her skin, the muzzle still a little warm because of the bullet that popped out a few seconds ago. A click sounds as he reloads another bullet. “And you’ll realize that you’ve been drowning.. and if there’s no one to reach out their hand...” she squeezed her eyes shut as she remained silent for a second and another tear escaped the corner of her eye.

Multiple gunshots sounded through the hallway of the school as the gun, which the shooter was holding against her head fell down to the ground together with the body of the shooter.

A gasp left her mouth as the bullets whooshed along her ears. She glanced over her shoulder and saw the body of the shooter lying behind her on his back. Lifeless.

Everything that was happening was moving in slow motion. When she looked in front of her she could see multiple swat soldiers entering the hallway with their guns pointed towards the man behind her.

“Suspect is down” one of the soldiers said into their radio’s as they made their way towards (Y/n) and the shooter.

With two paramedics following the soldiers, the paramedics kneeled down next to the female teacher which (Y/n) tried to save her life. The paramedics put down their medic bags beside them and zipped the bag open as they grabbed some gauze.

“You can let go now. We’ve got her.” the male paramedic said as he tried to get her attention by putting his hand onto her shoulder. (Y/n) was still in shock. How did she survive this? Why didn’t he just shoot her when he had the chance? Why listen to her words?

“Sorry” she said as she got back to earth. She slowly retreated her hands back to her own body as the paramedic quickly pressed the gauze down onto the wound. (Y/n) slightly flinched as she felt a hand curling around her bicep, pulling her up to her feet and escorting her down the hall to the open world. She let them. She was too shaken up to try and fight or ask questions.

______

“Hi this is (Y/n)’s phone, please leave a message after the tone!” Her voice sounded through the speaker of Evan’s phone as he ended the call before the tone could ring into his ear.

A sigh leaves Evan’s mouth as he continues to send her a text, asking her to call him back when she can.

Hen walks into the kitchen when a frown morphed onto her face. “Hey you okay?” She asked when she noticed Evan’s slightly worried face that was focussed on his phone.

Evan clicks on the send button as he slips his phone back into his pocket, and he curls his fingers around the glass of water he had made.

“I’m fine..” he sighs as he leans with his forearms onto the kitchen counter. “I have just tried to call (Y/n) multiple times but she doesn’t answer. Normally she would’ve called me back by now”

They called everyday, especially when Evan was on shift. She would call him after school had come to an end and all kids had left the classroom.

“You think I’m crazy, don’t you?” Evan laughed at himself as he shook his head. He sounded like he was going insane. As if he couldn’t live without her. But it was a routine, so when that routine gets interrupted, it feels weird.

Normally Evan was the one to not pick up, when he was on a call. But he always called her back when they were back at the firehouse. Sometimes it could take hours, but it could also be minutes. It depended on the call of course.

“No not at all.. I’m sure she will call you back, maybe she’s talking to a parent or she’s just busy.” Hen touches Evan’s upper arm as she tries to reassure him that his wife is okay.

“Yeah, you’re right..” Evan pushed himself off the kitchen counter, he grabbed his glass and walked towards the sofas. “Maybe I’m being a little bit paranoid, she’s fine..” Evan glances at Hen who gives him a nod and a pat on his shoulder.

“Turn the volume up” Eddie says as Chimney grabs the remote and quickly turns up the volume by pressing down on the button.

“We just confirmed that about two hours ago, there has been a school shooting here in Los Angeles. The remarkable thing is that the school where this happened, was an elementary school”

“Jesus” Eddie sighs.

“The police have confirmed that after about an hour and a half after the shooter had fired the first bullet, they shot down the shooter. The name of the school where this happened is the Great Oak Elementary School. Parents are arriving at the school now to pick up their kids. There’s one wounded teacher and two casualties, both were working at the school.”

“That’s horrible. Imagine you see this on the news and you have to pick up your traumatized child.” Hen says as she continues to listen to the tv.

“Can’t imagine what that must feel like” Eddie’s voice sounds through the room.

Evan was intensely thinking. Why was that name so familiar? What was it about that school that made him think that he had a connection to it? He didn’t have any kids, at least not yet. “Wait what school did they say?” Evan double checked the name with his team, to see if he heard them correctly.

“I think it was Great Oak Elementary School” Chimney says as he focuses again onto the television screen.

Evan’s heart dropped in his chest. As soon as he heard that name fall off the lips of his colleague's mouth, it felt like all of the air he had in his lungs was getting pushed out. Everything's coming together now.

It was the school his wife worked for.

“But why even an elementary school, not that any school would’ve been any better or different. But we’re talking about ages 5 to 10 years old. Those children are going to be scarred for life” Eddie’s dull voice sounded over the loft into Evan’s ears.

No texts, no calls, nothing.

Evan’s hearing is dull, everything is still continuing on the back of his mind but his brain is working over hours now. Making up all different kinds of scenarios of what could’ve happened in that school. “Wow Buck, you alright?” Another dull voice rang through his ears.

Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder, he flinched at the sudden touch and his eyes connected with Hen’s as he turned his head towards her. A frightened look was spread over his face as he tried to control his breathing.

He looked down to his feet, which were suddenly wet and cold. He realizes he had dropped his glass of water down to the ground. His boots are now soaking wet, with the water dripping down his pipes. But that was the last thing he was worried about right now.

His brain filled with all different kinds of scenarios were running through his mind. “(Y/n)” he mumbled through his panicked breaths as he tried to look at Hen, who was still pressing her hand onto his shoulder while her other hand was curled around his upper arm.

“Oh no..” Hen said as he puzzled the pieces together. Finally realizing what was happening and what Evan meant.

Bobby’s voice sounded through the space as he stepped onto the loft “What’s happening?”

“There has been a school shooting at Great Oaks Elementary. The school where Buck’s wife works” Hen quickly explained to Bobby as she held her grip onto Evan’s upper arm.

Evan’s eyes that were full of worry wandered towards his captain's eyes who was coming closer towards him every second. “She isn’t answering any of my calls or texts. And I’m not waiting for the hospital to call me and tell me that she’s..” Evan sighs at the worst case scenario that was in his mind.

“Please Bobby. I need to go. I need to see for myself if she’s okay.” Evan’s broken voice sounded.

“Look Buck, I get it. But you don’t have to do this on your own. We’re coming with you, whether you like it or not. (Y/n) is our family too.” Bobby says as he softly squeezed Evan’s shoulder. A small smile spread across Evan’s face as those words left Bobby’s mouth.

“Let’s go and find (Y/n)” Bobby says as he patted his hand onto Evan’s shoulder as a sign to go.

“What do you mean she isn’t here?” Evan says after Athena finished her conclusion. “I just told you, every teacher that was here on school grounds during the shooting has been checked by paramedics, and are now sitting in a room. They’re getting the information they need if they want help. But I’ve seen every teacher in that room, and she wasn’t there Buck, only her teaching assistant Katy.” Athena continues her explanation.

“Well, have you asked Katy if she knows anything about the whereabouts of my wife?” Evan asks, maybe a little annoyed. “No, not yet. I’m waiting for the professionals to finish their job. And after that, I’ll see if Katy is willing to talk” She calmly answers Evan’s question.

“How long is that gonna take?” Evan sighs as he puts his hands on his hips. He’s losing his patience. This is taking too long. “I’m sure they’re almost done, this should only take a few more minutes” Athena reassured him.

“I don’t have time for this.. what if Katy doesn’t know where she is? This might lead to a dead end.” Evan tries to stop himself from panicking, as he rushes a hand through his short curly hair. He had to do something. He couldn’t just stand there and wait on a teaching assistant who maybe doesn't have an answer to their questions.

Evan quickly turned around and slid his phone out of his pocket. He had to try it, at least one more time. He clicks on the green icon and clicks on her name, impatiently he presses the phone against his ear. Maybe she did have it with her.. right?

“Buck..” Evan could hear Bobby sigh as he was walking away from his team.

Evan listens to the sound of the phone beeping, trying to connect with the other phone. He was pacing through one of the hallways, silently listening to the beeps of the phone. Evan’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he could hear a ringtone going off from a distance. Was that someone else’s phone or was that the phone he was trying to reach?

The ringtone stopped playing when Evan was being sent to voicemail. He quickly presses the red button, and decides to try and call the phone again.

Once more the same ringtone sounds through the hallway.

Evan follows the sound, making his way through the hallways until after multiple times of calling her phone, he reaches the door of a classroom. The tone sounded loudly through the space of the room.

Evan stepped into the classroom and walked towards the desk where the phone was buzzing. “There you are..” Evan whispered to himself as he grabbed the phone and frowned at the idea of his wife leaving her phone behind. She never leaves her phone behind.

He shoved his own phone into his pocket as he made his way back towards his team who were now talking with a young woman, probably Katy.

“Can we please ask you a few questions?” Evan could hear Athena ask the TA, who nodded at her question. “When was the last time you saw (Y/n)?” Athena continued to ask her. “During the shooting, we were all hiding inside the classroom just like protocol said. And she told me to watch the kids.. she went to help the lady who was shot outside of our classroom. I heard multiple gunshots, when I was alone with the kids. But I haven’t seen her since she told me to watch them.” Katy explains.

Evan could feel his knees trembling, like they were suddenly turning into Jell-o.

“That’s everything I know” Katy says as she shrugs her shoulders. “It’s okay, thank you Katy. If something pops into your mind, give me a call” Athena says as she gives Katy her card with her contact details and Katy walks away.

“Alright, there’s two things we can do. One, we go to the hospital and check if she may be in the ER. Or two, we go check the..-” Athena gets cut off by Evan’s voice.

“Morgue” Evan finished Athena’s sentence and shook his head. “We’re going to the ER of the nearest hospital, she’s not dead. She can’t be.” Evan continued. “Buck.” Bobby’s voice spoke up when Evan wiped his hand against his forehead, as if it helped him to get rid of the thought of his wife being dead. “I refuse to believe that she’s dead, I want to go to the hospital” Evan states as he could hear his own voice trembling.

Evan felt Bobby’s hand landing onto his shoulder. “It’s your decision to make Buck, if you want to go to the hospital, we go to the hospital” Bobby said as he looked into Evan’s eyes again. Evan nodded. He made his decision.

The drive towards the nearest hospital was silent, but when the truck pulled to a stop Evan’s hand reached for the door and he jumped out as fast as he could.

He had waited long enough. He needed his answers now.

Before the rest of his team got out of the truck, Evan had already gone through the glass doors. Evan came to a stop at the nurse station, using his hands as a brake by pressing it against the desk.

“Hi, I’m looking for (Y/n) Buckley” he panted as he focussed on the nurse who was scrolling through the documents of people who had gotten in.

“Evan?” her familiar voice sounds through his ears. His eyes went wide as he heard that voice he had hoped to hear through the phone the first time he called her. He pushed himself off the desk he was leaning on and followed her voice.

“(Y/n)?” he softly said as he looked around him. When his eyes connected with hers, his heart skipped a beat. She was alive. Just like he said.

“Evan” she sighed as she finally saw her husband's face. Evan basically sprinted towards (Y/n) as he heard her broken voice say his name. Her knees were trembling, and were on the edge of giving in. “Hey! Hey! I’m here!” Evan panted as he curled his arms around his wife and she collapsed into his arms.

She was sobbing as soon as she felt his arms curled around her body and she tightened her grip around his body, like he was the only thing to keep her from drowning. He was the hand she had to hold onto. “I’m here” Evan let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding this entire time.

He let his hand cup the back of her head and he pressed his lips against her hair.

He slowly pulled back, but his arms remained around her body. He wasn’t letting her go. The hand he had pressed against the back of her head, wandered to her cheek as he wiped away her tears.

“W-what are you doing here? Are you hurt?” he stumbled as he quickly checked her on any wounds. She shook her head as she placed both of her hands down onto his chest. “No, I’m okay” she gasped through her tears.

When Evan’s eyes fell onto her hands, which were now placed on his chest, he noticed her hands which were still covered in dried blood.

He placed his hands over hers as he softly grabbed her hand and started inspecting it. “It isn’t mine” she sighed as she tried to reconnect her eyes with Evan’s, who was focussed on making sure his wife wasn’t hurt.

“Then whose blood is that?” Evan’s voice asked, concerned when his eyes remained on her hands. “T-the woman who had been shot..” she said as she tried to catch her breath. Evan’s eyes furrowed “I helped her..” in the middle of her sentence, she stopped talking. “I kept her alive, even with a gun pointed at my head” she continued.

She could hear the gunshots going off in the back of her mind, the explanation she had just given her husband brought her right back to that place. So much has happened in those few minutes, she barely had time to process everything that happened in such a short time.

Tears were streaming down her face as she was reminded of the incident. “He wanted to shoot me in the head”

“Oh baby..” a loud sigh left his lips as he pressed a kiss onto her forehead. “You did so good” he mumbled against her forehead as he pressed another kiss onto it and pulled his wife back into an embrace.

“I was so scared Evan, I really thought this is it.. that everything I did, was for the last time” (Y/n) sobbed as she locked her arms around his body once again and her head pressed against his broad chest. “But you fought like hell, like I knew you would. You fought for that woman, for the students, yourself and me. You fought your way back to me.” Evan said as he pulled away a little, so her head wouldn’t be touching his chest anymore and he could place both his hands onto her cheeks.

“You’re so much stronger than you think you are.”

______

A gasp fell off (Y/n)’s lips as a gunshot roared through the back of her mind. Her eyes were suddenly wide open and her entire body was drenched in sweat. She let her hands fall against her face as she sighed. It was just another dream, a nightmare to be more specific.

It had been weeks since the shooting on the Great Oak Elementary School, but what happened that day, was still haunting her until today.

Falling asleep was a problem at first, the first nights after the incident, she was all wrapped around Evan. Trying to get her to sleep like she was a baby that couldn’t find the right spot to sleep on.

Evan worked twenty four hour shifts, he couldn’t just go home in the middle of shift, in the middle of the night to help his wife to fall asleep at night. So sometimes, (Y/n) wouldn’t sleep at all at night, she would just wait until he came home and the second Evan was home she would doze off.

But now, it’s the constant nightmares she had. Every dream she had wasn’t the same, it’s not like she had the same nightmare over and over again on loop. No, she was having different kinds of scenario’s everytime she closed her eyes.

She let her hands fall down onto the mattress as she glanced at Evan who was peacefully asleep on his side of the bed. (Y/n) threw off the blanket and swung her feet over the side of the bed and grasped the first hoodie she saw lying down on the floor. The hoodie was a little oversized and fell over her bum.

(Y/n) stepped down the stairs of the loft and flicked on the kettle to make some tea. Maybe that would help her calm down. With her back towards the living room, she pressed her elbows down onto the flat surface of the kitchen counter.

She was tired, but couldn’t sleep. Not if she was having these nightmares, everytime she closed her eyes. (Y/n) let her head rest between her hands as she closes her eyes for a second, just to try and let the stress exit her body while the water was boiling.

Evan groaned as he turned around in bed and let his arm find the body of his wife. When his arm connected with the jumpy mattress, he pushed his head off the pillow as a confused frown was spread across his face. He wasn't expecting his arm to find the mattress, he was waiting for his arm to connect with (Y/n)’s body.

He lets his arm swipe along the mattress again to make sure she wasn’t somewhere else on the mattress. Evan turns his body and reaches out to turn on the night lamp on his nightstand. He squeezed his eyes as he tried to adjust his eyes to the bright light on his nightstand and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.

Evan swung his legs over the side of the bed as he stood up to make his way downstairs, determined to find his wife. When he silently stepped down the stairs, he smiled at the way she was standing. A Los Angeles Fire Department hoodie to keep her comfortable, her eyes closed as she was leaning on her hands. While the kettle was releasing steam as it was finished boiling.

A groan left her lips as she felt a hand curled around her hip and his chin was leaning on her shoulder. Her hand reached behind her as she tried to find Evan’s arm. “Can’t sleep?” his sleepy voice asked, with his eyes still closed as he was still trying to wake up.

“Yeah” she whispered as she nodded at his question, and she placed her other hand down on his cheek as he was still leaning with his chin onto her shoulder.

“Still having those nightmares huh?” He asked her as he pressed a kiss on the palm of her hand that was resting on his face.

“Yeah, what’s new..” she sighed, she had the feeling those nightmares weren’t going away anytime soon anyways. She grabbed a cup from the upper cabinet, placed it onto the counter and started to pour water from the kettle into it.

When the cup was full enough, she placed the kettle back. “Evan?” Her soft voice sounded raspy.

“Hmm?” Evan hummed as he slightly opened his eyes to check on his wife. His arm was still wrapped around her, curved around her hip. She swallowed loudly.

“I don’t know how much longer I can do this..” she whispered as she placed both of her hands flat against the counter as she stared right in front of her.

Evan’s hand started to come loose from her hip, as he let his lower back fall against the kitchen island, which was placed on the other side of the kitchen counter (Y/n) was making her tea on.

He folded his arms over each other as he leaned against the kitchen cabinets. “You mean the nightmares, right?” Evan needed a confirmation that he knew she was talking about.

She felt Evan leaving her side. But she couldn’t look at him without breaking down. So she remained standing with her back towards Evan. “No.. I meant, being a teacher.” She said as she started to make circles with her finger onto the kitchen counter.

“What? What do you mean? You love being a teacher” Evan said as he tried to make eye contact again. But she wouldn’t turn around.

She shook her head as she sighed, trying to keep her tears from falling down. “That was before this all happened. You know how exhausting it is to be wary of every single thing around you?” she sniffled as she turned her face towards the ceiling, trying everything in her power to not show her tears, or show her fear.

With her sleeves falling over her hands, she wiped the small tears away that had started rolling down her cheeks. “Every time before I even enter the school my throat goes dry, I start sweating and I can’t stop myself from shaking” she tried to say through her tears and sobs.

She turned her body, and let herself slide against the kitchen doors, dropping to the ground as she cried even harder. “I’m sick and tired of flinching at every sudden sound I hear. I can’t sleep, because any time when I close my eyes, even if it’s just for one silly second, I’m there again. With a gun against my head.” she confessed.

(Y/n) let the back of her head lean against the kitchen cabinet as she felt Evan coming closer, while she looked at the ceiling again. Trying to get rid of the tears that showed her biggest fears and weaknesses. “I can’t do this anymore Evan” she sobbed as she pressed her palms against her face. All she wanted to do was hide.

It feels like she’s drowning, drowning into her own fear and tears. The fear is over taking her like waves of the ocean, if no one would reach out that hand to help her.. she might drown.

“No.. you’re scared. And I get your reaction, but we don’t always make the best decisions when we’re operating out of fear” Evan spoke up as he curled his arm around her knee.

A sigh leaves Evan’s mouth as he tries to think of the right thing to say. “I know how hard it is to get over something so traumatizing, that you don’t know what you’re doing it for no more” he said as he tightened his arm around her knee. “But what happened could have happened anywhere. At the grocery store, in our own home, hell even at the fire station” Evan continued as he tried to get her attention, but she was too emotional to make eye contact.

She could hear every word he said, every breath he took, every moment of silence he needed, to think of what he was going to say next.

“So I need you to stop saying that you can’t do this. Because I know you can. You’re one of the strongest women I know. And I’m so proud to call you my wife. But right now, I need you to grab my hand and trust me when I say that we’ll figure this out.” tears were starting to well in Evan’s eyes as he quickly wiped his finger underneath his eyes to get rid of the tears he felt, as they were about to roll over his cheeks.

Evan loosened his grip around her knee as he reached out his hand, with his palm faced towards the ceiling. “We do this together, just like we did all the times I got hurt and didn’t know what to do” Evan said as he lowered his head, trying to get her eyes connected with him again.

Silence took over the space they were in.

Evan’s hand was still dangling between her knees as he waited for her attention and answer. “Together?” he asked one more time.

A soft smile made its way onto her face, as she nodded. “Together.” she said determined and placed her hand onto his as Evan sent her a small smile her way.

She had helped him countless times, now it was his turn to help her.

#911 #911 fox #911 abc #911 imagine #buck imagine #buck x reader #evan buckley imagine #evan buckley x reader #evanbuckley #imagine

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lover-of-mine · 7 days ago

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Hi, hi, hello, and welcome to Anna rewrites Eddie fell first: a look at how you can argue a level of awareness from Eddie since season 3 with Eddie being settled into how Buck just doesn't feel the same so he won't question it, this time with season 8 context.

Things to keep in mind here: this hinges on Eddie not looking at the way that he feels about Buck makes him queer but being aware that he views Buck as a life partner but what he has is all he can get (yk the whole one knows he's gay but doesn't know he's in love and the other knows he's in love but doesn't know that makes him gay, that's Buck and Eddie in my brain rn) and the way I view the whole fell first/fell harder thing being about awareness, the one who fell first is the one who’s had awareness of it for longer and therefore is settled into the feeling, while the one who falls harder is the one who gets hit with it suddenly and can’t keep it in because they end up feeling it all at once. With the way Buck and Eddie handle feelings, for Buck to lose it once he realizes is a lot more plausible, he doesn’t know how to handle big emotions, and Eddie boxes things into portions he can handle, so I think the realization that he is in love with Buck would be a lot more peaceful because I don’t think he would think that changes much, it would be just putting a name to it to something he already understands. Also, the fact that Buck is very explicitly unaware when it comes to canon, considering he said with all the words he’s not in love with Eddie and we don't have that with Eddie. But Anna, Eddie said he's straight. Baby girl, we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

So we start this out before Eddie gets to the 118. Eddie’s age is a mystery, but given Shannon’s, we can infer that Buck and Eddie are around the same age. Eddie at that point had been killing himself to make sure Christopher would be properly taken care of. Internet tells me the academy lasts around a year, it also gives me the expectation that Eddie would probably be a bit older than most of the recruits. Eddie is very friendly, but given the fact that we know nothing about his class at the academy, it’s safe to say he did not make any lasting connections there. That means it is safe to assume that the constants in his life in LA were Chris, Pepa, and Abuela, maybe a few cousins, considering he still doesn’t have permanent help with Chris. So honestly, the only constant contact he had was with his 7-year-old and his grandmother.

We know that Bobby wanted a partner in the field for Buck. Considering that Chim is both a firefighter and paramedic, picking Eddie because he was a medic in the army to give Buck a more dynamic partner makes sense. But that also leads me to believe that Buck himself was a selling point of the 118, considering Eddie was persuaded into joining them, he wasn’t assigned a house like the rest of them. Someone good at their job around his age that he could befriend is tempting, considering the past few years of his life, with Shannon leaving, and 3 different jobs, and then the academy. The way we see Eddie when placed in new situations, like befriending everyone on dispatch, that man craves connections in a way that he was not getting.

Which makes the concept of Buck intriguing, even if he had no way of predicting how important Buck would grow to be.

So we are gonna look at Eddie’s first day as Eddie trying to befriend Buck because of that desire to have someone at the same level he could bounce off (unintended pun but he found someone who would bounce on it yay lol). Everyone is telling him that Buck is great, he has to be curious. Because if we look at things like the help with the call, the I'd go lower, and the comment about being in the wrong light as attempts to bond, while having rougher edges that come with not settling down until that moment when he joined the lafd and found a permanent spot, it makes it so it looks like Eddie is trying to be helpful so he can get an opening. It also makes the “you’re badass under pressure” yet another thing to try and get through to Buck.

Eddie was trying, and Buck was being Buck. Until he found the thing that made Buck let him in, the reassurance that Eddie is not there to replace him, that makes Buck imprint on him like a baby duck.

And sure, this was casual, it’s a coworker thing for a few weeks while Eddie gets the feel of the place, we know that due to the fact that Eddie doesn’t share Christopher’s existence during those first few shifts. Christopher is always gonna be the key, sharing Christopher is what Eddie does when it comes to trying harder on his connections. But that makes Buck jump into that space with him. Buck spends the shift making sure Eddie knows Chris would be safe, and we even have a moment where we see just how much Eddie listens to Buck, with the way he repeats Buck’s words to him about highrises being the safest place to be during an earthquake. We also have Buck driving Eddie to Chris’ school. I wish we had a canon explanation for that fact, but I do love that we have a montage of Hen going home to Karen and Denny, Athena going home to May and Harry, and then Buck, Eddie, and Chris become their little unit.

But that all actually starts the moment I believe is when Eddie was gone for good. Which isn’t Carla, but Buck clearing with Bobby for Chris to stay at the station. Because Eddie is loyal until it kills him, and that moment at the station that eventually leads to Carla, is the moment that Buck becomes Eddie’s ride or die. Because Eddie’s whole life has been about people telling him he’s not doing enough, he’s failing as a son, he failed as a husband, he feels like he is failing as a father, but the way Buck steps in isn’t about doing something better than Eddie and making him feel inferior, it’s about Buck seeing a need and helping without allowing Eddie to feel like a failure for not doing it himself. You can see it on Eddie’s face.

He never had that thing Buck is offering with no expectations. And the way that Buck makes sure that Christopher’s life is gonna be improved. He’s not only offering Eddie help, he’s making sure Christopher is gonna have the support he needs. And that is what seals Eddie's faith here.

And, yes they're both tied to each other in some way at this point, but I feel like Buck's crush upon meeting Eddie turned I'll never look at the fact that he's very hot again because he's the best friend I've ever had has a different feeling from Eddie letting Buck in as much as he possibly could. I feel like there's a level of intention in the way Eddie chooses Buck to be the person he trusts the most, while Buck stumbles into it and keeps telling himself it doesn't mean anything more. Which puts Eddie in this space where he knows but won't define, and Buck defines wrong.

But obviously, everything there is complicated as hell, he can’t look at the way Buck makes him feel, not with Shannon coming back, and the way he does love her in some way, but he doesn’t trust her.

Who even invites their best friend to a family outing he denied his honest to God wife and mother of his kid? Eddie Diaz apparently, because why wouldn’t he take Buck with him to go see Santa while denying Shannon all access to Chris? And it’s interesting that Eddie doesn’t try for real until Buck tells him to. Both with letting Shannon back in Chris’ life, AND with the whole “we should be a family” speech, it comes from Buck. Buck sees the best in the situation in a way Eddie doesn’t, and that pushes Eddie into things.

But then Shannon dies after asking for a divorce, and that complication is gone, but is tangled in a whole layer of new problems because Buck almost dies right after. The season 2 finale it’s interesting on this point because we see the first moment of irrationality from Eddie when it comes to Buck. He’s just there, holding Buck’s hand. Hen is more than capable of treating Buck. Chim took over the other bombing. Bobby is also there. Eddie is objectively stronger than all of them, he’s also not a paramedic, the rational thing would be for him to be one of the people trying to lift the truck, but no, Buck needs him, so he won’t leave Buck’s side, and it’s not like doing much, he’s holding Buck’s hand, he’s riding with him to the hospital.

We also get a really overlooked thing with the way Hen says things are back to normal, and Eddie looks all wistful, saying almost, because Buck is not there.

Also, the way Buck fresh out of surgery, fresh out of being bombed, is like, nope, this is more important, because he needs to be there for Eddie’s shield ceremony (yay buddie hug number 1, and the way that their last interaction in season 2 is a hug, and their first in season 3 is also a hug.)

So, there’s something on Eddie’s mind about Buck, Buck is very tied to his sense of normalcy already. But season 3 is the one that kicks things into gear.

It starts with Eddie’s choice to hand Chris over to Buck after Buck quits, to remind Buck he still has things to live for. That he still has him, even if they’re not working together. But then the tsunami happens.

The tsunami is a key piece for their dynamic, not just because it is the moment that makes Buck a parent, but because at no point does Eddie think to blame Buck. Buck is beating himself up, but even when both of them think that Chris is gone for good, Eddie doesn’t even think there’s something to forgive Buck for. And that leads to the first of the moments that makes me go “Eddie has to know something” and that is the “there’s nobody in this world I trust with my son more than you”. The first moment where Eddie does his roundabout way to tell Buck exactly how much he means to him, even while Buck is lost in his own feelings.

I don’t like to put Shannon in comparison with Buck, but in this particular instance, I’ll have to. During the whole thing with her, where they can’t stop sleeping together but Eddie won’t let her see Chris, the thing there is trust. Eddie doesn’t trust Shannon not to hurt them again. But Shannon also asks for Eddie to make a statement about what they are based on allowing her Christopher, and later, on possible child #2 is what makes Eddie decide to propose again after Shannon uses that to ask what they are. We also know they only got married because she got pregnant. So Eddie’s only romantic relationship at that point has been defined by Christopher. Kids are the only sign he is shown to believe in. So for Eddie to say something like that, it means something. Sure, the tsunami created a bond between Buck and Chris that Eddie can’t control, but he is Christopher's father, no one would blame him for being cautious, but it doesn’t occur to him, because this is Buck. Buck is constant, he is the thing they need to feel normal again. At that point, Eddie is already aware of the fact that he wants to keep Buck in his life.

But then the lawsuit happens. Eddie’s reaction to it and the grocery store of it all only makes sense if he sees Buck as a partner. Buck has no obligation to Eddie and Chris. No one can demand that their best friend consider them before making life-changing choices. But Eddie expects Buck to consider him. He hides behind Chris, and there’s obviously the lingering trauma of watching Shannon die, watching Buck explode, watching the blood clot, and the tsunami, and the way he almost lost both of Buck and Chris and didn’t even know. There’s also the layer of the way Buck understands what Chris went through in a way Eddie can never fully relate to and how that created an attachment from Chris to Buck that Eddie doesn’t fully understand but was ready to nurture because, well, the more people who love Chris, the better, and Chris has lost a lot already, to have a trusted adult who’s not Eddie is important, especially because Chris was hiding things from him, and it matters to Eddie that Chris has someone else willing to die for him, because that is what Buck proved to him he would do. But it's about more because Eddie hates the way he can't talk to Buck. That's his complaint the whole time. Not being able to reach Buck, that Buck went to that extreme after he said how permanent he feels about him.

Not having Buck around, not having him available, puts Eddie off-balance in a way he notices but doesn’t examine. At this point, Buck already exists in his own category on Eddie’s brain, that’s demonstrated by the way that he mentions Buck as separate from the 118 when he gets arrested. He doesn’t think to hide that from Buck the same way he does the rest of the team, he only hides that from Buck because he can’t talk to Buck. Something else here, since we don’t see Buck telling Eddie, it’s safe to assume that Eddie found out he couldn’t talk to Buck through someone involved in the department, maybe Bobby during morning briefing or someone else in their legal department, and boy, wouldn’t that open more wounds considering how Shannon left him and Chris without a word. With Chris’ nightmares, Eddie isn’t expecting to be able to rely on Buck like a best friend, he's expecting a partner. He's not looking at it, he’s not examining it, but he’s for sure feeling it, and it’s throwing him for a loop, considering his world keeps falling apart around him, and he put Buck as a constant in his life. So that Eddie who’s yelling at Buck in a grocery store like a husband calling out his deadbeat ex, is feeling something he refuses to name.

Something about Eddie is that he does not know what it’s like to have someone make the choice to fight for him. His parents low-key hate him, and Shannon didn’t come back because she wanted to, he reached out first. And that makes the way he’s completely unable to stay mad at Buck more glaring, because it's because Buck is making an effort he's not familiar with. And as long as Buck tries, Eddie is gonna fold. Buck knows he went nuclear and that hurt people he cares about, and he wants to prove to Eddie that he can trust him, and the way Buck is reaching out is the thing. Eddie is physically unable to stay mad at Buck, but it’s very obvious during Buck’s first shift back, because he’s not even ignoring Buck fully, he is replying every time Buck tries. And the second he sees Buck's side of things, he doesn’t hesitate because it all boils down to Eddie missing Buck. He wants Buck to consider him, and as long as Buck says he will, he's fine. Even though Buck is still expecting to be forced to do something to prove himself, see the way he’s shocked Eddie just says he forgives him, but also the way that Buck tries to apologize again in the kitchen scene.

Something to consider before I talk about the 309 kitchen scene, the episode opens with Eddie’s therapy session, and one thing Eddie says is that he’s boxing his feelings so much, he’s not even feeling the good things. Keep that in mind for the remainder of this.

Eddie is a professional compartmentalizer. Buck is in his own little box, and I don’t even think the box is labeled best friend in his mind, it just has a pretty little Buck slapped into it while he desperately tries to stop it from busting open. The conversation in the kitchen is Eddie asking Buck to stop making him think about it. “We’re way past that”, the refusal to admit that he’s not opening up to Frank, the whole “let’s just move on” energy. Which paired with Eddie’s tendency to just move past things that make him feel intense emotions, it begs the question of why he won’t look at the way not being a priority to Buck fucked him up. Because, yeah, the fight club era is a culmination of everything that went wrong in Eddie’s life in those 6 months, but losing Buck is the spark that makes him blow up. As much as he doesn’t want to admit it. I don’t think he wanted to punch Buck, he wanted to control something because he couldn’t control how he's feeling. Shannon wanted to divorce him, and Buck low-key divorced him too for a period, which led them to Buck’s kitchen while Buck forces him to think about the impact he has on his life. Buck is very effective in talking Eddie off the ledge. He is a constant in allowing Eddie to exist in a way. But Eddie doesn’t want to think about it. Thinking about it means defining it. Defining it makes it complicated.

He won't look at it as long as Buck continues to prioritize their connection, and Buck basically promises he will, and he does show himself as back to that constant, we see it in moments like the skateboard incident.

But then we roll right into what I think is one of the major buddie episodes on the show, which is telling on its own, with everything that happens during Eddie Begins. And I’m not talking about Buck clawing at the dirt and the way everyone is treating Buck like a widower already while Eddie is down there, or the way the light is out behind Buck’s eyes, and how he looks at Eddie like he’s a miracle when they find him.

It’s the choice to add that much Buck to Eddie’s I need to keep fighting montage.

This is retroactive, but the well makes Eddie change his will to add Buck as Christopher’s legal guardian. The first thing on the montage is actually Buck finding out about Chris. Because they start the flashback with Buck saying "you have a kid?" not Eddie saying he's trying to reach his son, or dropping him off a the school, or with abuela, or even Chris' birth. If that was the first time we as the audience learned about Chris too, then sure, but they use the first scene we see Chris in after. So it’s a conscious decision to attach Buck to Chris while Eddie is buried and trying to find the strength to get out of there. And since Eddie chooses to legally bind himself to Buck after that, this is yet another “Eddie has to know something” moment. Something funny to me about the will being changed after the well is the way that 316 is all about Buck’s fear of ending up like Red. And Eddie is all “that’s not gonna happen to us” while literally sitting on a piece of paper that says Buck is stuck with him until he dies. But he doesn't say anything.

And again, it begs the question, what did Eddie realize while down there? Something changed beyond being confronted with his own mortality because he has a lot of blood relatives willing to take care of Chris if the worst happens. He’s known Buck for about 2 years at this point, the lawsuit happened less than 6 months before this. And he is more sure of Buck than he was of Shannon or anyone else in his family.

And logically, Buck is not the greatest choice, he’s also a firefighter, he’s Eddie’s partner in the field, so if Eddie is in danger, then chances are that Buck is too. He’s also single and without kids of his own. Any lawyer would look at Eddie is insane for even suggesting it when he has living parents and 2 sisters. But he is the only choice that makes sense to Eddie. No matter what. And the only reason he would hide that is if he doesn’t know how to tell Buck without telling Buck everything. So much so, he only tells Buck when he can shift the conversation back to Buck.

Then we have Eddie’s reactions to Abby during the train derailment. Obviously, if my best friend had been abandoned by someone who never gave him the courtesy of closure, I would also reserve myself the right to hate them, and Eddie only saw the damage Abby did, but Eddie being willing to let Sam die for the crime of being engaged to Abby adds to the situation. Because with the correct lens on, that’s jealousy. Sure, Eddie knows Abby as someone who broke Buck, but he also knows her as this presence that made Buck who he is, which I think gives her too much credit, Buck just needed someone to let him care, so much so that getting Maddie back is what fully allows him to settle into himself. But she’s this mystical presence who still has control over Buck, and Eddie very clearly does not like it. And he doesn’t like it in a way that makes him unsure of the space he has on Buck’s life, which is something. Especially considering the way the show tries to frame Buck as still hung up on Abby. He is hesitant to touch Buck, he is hesitant to talk, all his reactions are of someone feeling threatened, and that is also something that can only be explained by Eddie seeing Buck as more, because why would he feel threatened by his best friend’s ex if he was just the best friend?

This Eddie already changed his will. Buck is set in stone in his life. And as a partner.

Because the thing about the will isn’t the will, is the choice to hide it. Buck wouldn’t say no if Eddie asked, so why didn’t Eddie ask? He doesn’t want to look at why he made that choice because that means looking at who Buck is to him, and at this point, Eddie doesn’t want the answer. Buck is just Buck. If he doesn’t look at it, he doesn’t have to define it.

Season 4 is complicated in different ways. Eddie reaches a point where he wants love, but the thing he knows is Shannon, which leads us to Ana and trying a relationship that’s doomed to be comfortable but never exactly what Eddie needs.

Especially because in the middle of it all, the show is making a point of strengthening Buck and Christopher, Buck is the partner and coparent, so why is there a woman in the middle? But it is what Eddie knows. He finds Ana interesting, maybe he can grow to love her. But parallel to that, Buck is finding his way to Taylor. And Eddie low-key hates it because in his mind, the claim Buck has on his life is set, but he is once again questioning if the feeling is mutual. And they are bestieing like never before, but there’s clearly something under it for the both of them.

Then The Moment happens. You can claw the shooting as Eddie’s oh moment out of my cold, dead hands. Eddie reached for Buck. He got shot, he thought he was dying, and the thing he did was reach for Buck.

Then Buck gets to him, puts him on the truck, is frantically trying to stop the bleeding, and this man, bleeding out, focuses on Buck just long enough to ask if Buck is okay.

Sure, this could be Eddie needing to be sure that one of them would make it home to Chris, but wouldn’t it be beautiful if it were Eddie’s mind telling him he needs Buck to be okay before he loses consciousness? I love you, and I need you to be okay before this kills me. Horrible situation to have that realization, but damn if it’s not there.

But it doesn’t kill him. And now Buck is talking as if his life doesn’t matter, while Eddie doesn’t think he can do it without Buck. So he is finally pushed to come clean about the will. Everything about the will reveal reads as an aborted love confession (I see you Mr Guzman and the this goes beyond friendship and I love you to the core). But the particular moment isn’t the best. Ana is still a factor, he just almost died, and both of them are on edge about it. So he says the closest he can say. He dances around it like he has done for years. Eddie knows Buck, he knows Buck associates love with pain. He wouldn't actually say something after he almost died, but it feels like he's working up to something. "You act like you're expendable but you're wrong" the way he is so close to saying the thing Buck needed to hear the most after his parents. You’re not spare parts, I love you not despite all that, but because of all that. I don’t know how to give you myself yet, but I’ll give you the thing that matters the most to me and dare to stick around to love him with me. Buck doesn’t get it, but Eddie is saying it. Eddie also has shit to work on, but maybe he thinks he can get to a point where he can tell Buck.

But then Buck gets with Taylor and stays with Taylor. So he stays with Ana, it’s comfortable enough. Until it isn’t. Until he once again waits for Buck's permission to do something.

Eddie is falling apart in many ways during season 5, and he's trying to minimize the damage to the people around him, but something he holds on to is Buck. Even when everything blows up, he is still going to lengths to show Buck that their friendship isn’t confined to the firehouse. But at this point, Eddie knows the box he keeps confining his feelings in is about to blow up. And when it does explode, he sits back and lets Buck push his way in. Quite literally, since Buck breaks down the door.

Remember how I said Eddie mentions the way he isn’t feeling anything? This is Eddie letting Buck shove his way into the bad feelings, and we will come back to this later. But after his breakdown, he talks about the way he's feeling in a way we don't really see Eddie do all that often and he leans on Buck through his recovery and the process of finding out how to not feel like there's no hope for himself and how to feel comfortable in his own skin again. And it's a lot about Buck and the way Buck is constant. Eddie feels like Buck is this steady presence in his life that can and does help Eddie move forward. It gives Eddie something stable to lean into. Because he's letting himself feel, but so far, it's about the bad.

So we have Eddie learning to let people in for good, and how to handle his feelings in a better way, we have Eddie who might’ve been thinking things about Buck’s space in his life since the well, having better tools to deal with his feelings. But so far, Eddie has only dealt with the bad. So when Taylor takes herself out of the running, Eddie settles himself into the fantasy bubble. They’re both single, he gets Buck’s time, Chris does too. He doesn’t have to think about the way he loves Buck, he doesn’t have to think about what it means to him if they're both in the bubble.

But then his bubble gets popped in the most violent way possible, with Buck dying. And he was forced to rescue him, was forced to restart his heart. There’s something about the way Eddie follows the gurney. There’s something about the “do more”. Such a desperate thing for a former combat medic and current first responder to scream to a team of doctors. Do more than your best because I can’t do life without him.

Eddie is good at repression, not denial, and the thing with repression is that you usually know what you're burying. So the moments like this, where we can see the cracks in the box, it makes you wonder how much Eddie really knows about how he feels about Buck.

The will of it all, the way Eddie can’t look at Buck or anything about his death, Eddie never seriously contemplated Buck actually dying, even though he saw Buck almost die multiple times. He never thought about it until he actually lived it. He counted how long Buck was dead. He couldn’t take his eyes off him until he couldn’t look at him again. And this is a man who watched Shannon die because she needed him to be strong. He can’t do that for Buck. Buck is under Eddie’s skin in ways no one else has been. Buck has seen the worst and stayed anyway, so he can’t hide it, because Buck is already in that space in his mind.

But Buck wakes up. And goes to him for safety. For comfort. Personally, I believe Eddie was lying about not remembering the shooting because Buck wanted the confirmation he would feel normal again, and Eddie didn’t want to add whatever he realized lying on that pavement to the mix of complicated feelings Buck already had. But 613 feels like Eddie is testing the water. The bubble is popped. He loves Buck, he almost lost him, maybe he’s getting ready to say something once Buck starts to feel human again.

But, once again, Buck goes through something traumatic and runs to someone else. “I feel like she sees me” paired with the way Buck is talking as if he feels like the people around him are forcing him to act a certain way, makes Eddie shut down. Because Eddie only decides to date again once Buck closes the door with his infatuation. So he will stay not analysing the space Buck has in his life. Because Buck keeps throwing him off-balance with reminders it’s not like that. So, space needs to exist.

Until Natalia is out of the way, and he pulls Buck back in. To the co-parent space, to the best friend space.

But then Buck throws him in for yet another loop. The one that was bound to break the box. He freaks out, acts up, gets a boyfriend, and Eddie is left with a lot more to shove into the box and pray it holds.

In my head, Eddie is convinced Buck can’t want him. Not doesn’t, can’t. So he’s not thinking about it, about wanting more, especially because Eddie never thinks about what he needs. These are all the parts of Buck he’s gonna get, and he refuses to look inside the box to realize he wants more and what that means for him. He doesn't look at Buck and what that means about his sexuality because up to then, Buck was straight, so he couldn't go there even if he had stopped to contemplate the ways loving Buck makes him want him.

And that’s definitely easier to do when they are both “straight”. But Buck is not straight. But he still isn’t giving any indication that he wants Eddie. So Eddie implodes his life.

Buck saw him at his worst and stayed, but Eddie doesn’t know what it looks like for someone to step into his happiness and improve it. And he ends up losing control of it all in the middle of Buck's sexuality realization, so he won't have to think about it meaning something to him because he doesn't think Buck wants him as an option. So he refuses to think of himself as one.

But anyway, it doesn’t matter if it’s Taylor or Natalia or Tommy, Buck is choosing someone else, and Eddie is sitting on top of the box to stop it from bursting open. He’s creating other problems, he’s being framed as cheating on Buck, Chris is leaving him, he’s growing a mustache so he won’t have to recognize the person in the mirror. He loves Buck, Buck is dating a man who’s not him, but it doesn’t matter if he is soooooo straight with his cut-out tank tops and mustache.

Not having Buck can’t hurt him if he doesn’t think about what loving Buck makes of him.

But then we come back to that therapy session from 309. Eddie controls his feelings so much, he doesn’t feel them. Good or bad. And he decides to let loose. And he lets Buck walk into his joy. So now Buck has stepped in while Eddie allows himself to feel something. Twice. The good and the bad.

Funny how Eddie says he’s straight, but then he says his mustache is a disguise, and then shaves the mustache and welcomes Buck in.

But Buck is spiralling, and Chris is in Texas, and he has to default back to the way he never prioritizes what he wants. But it doesn’t matter anyway because Buck doesn’t want him, so why would he look at it?

But then Buck freaks out and acts out once more. 809 is about 704. Eddie’s reaction is about Buck not communicating and hurting him. Like, 704, 809, 817, hell, even 305, is all about Eddie wanting Buck to talk to him so he can fix the issue and they can move on before the box explodes.

But at this point, that box is being held together by chewing gum and half a prayer. And Buck is really good at catching Eddie off guard and rattling the box even more.

And the way Buck loves Eddie in contrast with the way Buck loves everyone else solidifies the concept that Buck doesn’t want him. Because Buck doesn’t cling to Eddie. Buck helps Eddie move. He gets lost in his own feelings and hurts both of them in the process, but he lets Eddie go. Buck begs and lingers in a loud and messy way, but never with Eddie. He never voices that need. Eddie is always the one saying things, pushing Buck to talk, and they are at a point where Eddie would need those words to actually risk it.

And you can see the moments the box cracks while Eddie takes Buck’s words at face value, and Buck holds on to Eddie’s perceived straightness with all his might so he won’t be a cliche.

And Eddie has been compartmentalizing the way he feels about Buck since they met, and Buck doesn’t give him a full reason to sit and analyze those feelings since Buck keeps running the other direction, so Eddie settles himself into loving Buck the way Buck allows him, with moments where the box starts to crack, because the same way you can't love someone into loving you, you can't put limits into how you love someone. You can lie to yourself and convince yourself you don't need more, you don't want more, that this is enough, but no matter how hard you try, you can't control love.

817 is Eddie desperately asking Buck to need him like he needed Buck. But Buck is so caught up in not being a burden that Eddie once again perceives it all as rejection. It almost seems like Eddie has been daring Buck to ask him to stay. To voice his needs. To let Eddie know he’s one of them. So much so, he tries to force that reaction out of Buck with that note. That note says so much about how Eddie desperately wants Buck to stop assuming things, so that Eddie can stop assuming things, so that they can have a conversation and figure it out, but Buck is not meeting him there.

Buck didn’t meet him there after the shooting, or after the lightning. So he keeps being forced to love Buck in the way Buck lets him. And since Buck doesn’t want to be perceived as hopelessly pining for his straight best friend, so he keeps burying himself in denial, Eddie ends up forced to let him because he doesn't want to push Buck into something he doesn't think Buck wants.

Something about Eddie is that he doesn't ask for pieces of Buck, he puts himself out there and lets Buck come to him. Even the will reveal, Eddie only tells Buck once Buck steps up himself. He doesn't ask for Carla, he doesn't force Buck once he says he has a problem with him, even "you can have my back any day" is phrased in a way that allows Buck to make the choice.

If he never pushed before, why would he do it now? Because this is Buck, and Eddie knows him, who's to say that if Eddie says something, Buck won't roll with it not because he wants it but because he thinks that indulging Eddie is the only way to keep him? How can Eddie trust that he wouldn't be forcing Buck to settle for him if Buck isn't letting him know he's in it with him?

And they end up in this really weird situation where, honestly, all they need is a conversation, but they are so used to not needing words that they don’t know how to say it. So Eddie settles into how Buck doesn’t want him to offer more and Buck keeps trying to convince himself he already has enough of Eddie.

Eddie wants to love Buck but thinks he can't do more than be the best friend, so he settled into it, so he won't have to question what that makes of him, what that makes of them, how it would change them, how it wouldn't change them at all. Best friend is the title Buck gave him, and Buck gives him a lot already, he won't ask for more because it's Buck and what he has is enough. He just repeats it over and over so he won't question if it's true.

Why risk the relationship they have when he thinks he's seen how Buck looks when he's in love with someone and he doesn't think Buck looks at him like that? It's safer if he doesn't change things. If he convinces himself he doesn't need them to change. So he settles into the feeling, he'll love Buck however Buck lets him and never question how he wants to love Buck because he never gets what he wants, why would it be different now?

Anyway, this is over 6,7k words,and as you can see I'm very normal about this topic. If you read this, I love you so very much.

#911 #buddie #911 meta #this is brought to you by my blood sweat and tears #literally considering part of it was written at the hospital oasaoksasoka #anyway #this is long as fuck #if you choose to read this please know im cradling you gently with all my love as you read #otp: you don't need to pretend with me #im gonna tag this one with #otp: ready when you are #for the hell of it

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heyitspapayaontop · 1 month ago

Text

Second Sector

Request: anon !

Pairing: Dad!Lando Norris x Driver!Son!Reader

Themes: Angst

Warnings: car crash, injury description (nothing graphic), near death/mentions of it, medical mentions

Summary: after y/n suffered a terrifying crash at the Red Bull ring, Lando has to figure out what to do. Calming his son/ (More himself though.) And working on helping him heal.

A/N: no names of actual current f4 drivers were said bc its in the near-ish future and reader is apt 14, do some math if you'd like but don't think tm act it!! there will be a part two to this specific one, but I couldn't finish it atm, this is as far as my motivation can go sorry! enjoy!

Saturday at the Red Bull Ring.

The Red Bull Ring—man, it’s gorgeous in that “might kill you if you blink” kind of way. All those rolling green hills and sneaky dips, blind corners just waiting to ruin someone’s afternoon. It’s the sort of place that keeps everyone’s nerves jangling, mechanics and dads alike.

Lando Norris stood there on the pit wall, arms tight across his chest, McLaren hoodie on, but he wasn't looking at the scenery. Not even glancing at the track, really. His eyes were glued to Car #17. His kid.

Y/N had been on it all weekend. Quick as hell in practice. Didn’t flinch in the rain. Nailed qualifying. But something felt off this morning. Not just the car—him, too. Different edge.

“Still got the Red Bull kid rattling around in your head?” Lando threw it out there, eyes still locked on the timing screen.

Y/N’s voice came over the radio, dry as toast. “No.”

Yeah, right. Lando knew a fib from his kid a mile off.

Friday – The Day Before

FP2 was a mess.

Turn 3—classic. Y/N dived for the inside. Elias Voss, the Red Bull Academy’s newest wonderboy, tried to hang it round the outside. Neither of them lifted. So, naturally, Y/N’s front wing went bye-bye, and Voss got a face full of gravel.

Cue drama. Voss’s team was fuming. “Reckless!” “Entitled!” All the greatest hits.

Stewards called it just a racing thing, but the paddock loved to gossip.

“Bet Norris thinks he’s untouchable now.”

“Silver spoon, gets away with anything.”

Y/N heard every word. Pretended he didn’t.

Back to Saturday

Lap 14.

Everything goes sideways.

Happens in a blink, as usual.

Voss is right there again, lining him up into Turn 3. Déjà vu.

Lando leans in, practically chewing his nails. “Don’t fight it too hard,” he mutters. “Let him screw up.”

But Y/N? He’s not backing out.

Tires touch. That sound—metal, rubber, chaos. Smoke. Debris everywhere.

Car #17 launches, spins, smacks the barriers so hard you could feel it in your teeth. Even the engineers stagger back, pale.

The whole world just… stops.

“Red flag. Red flag. Medical team dispatched.”

Lando’s off like a shot. Doesn’t care about credentials or radios or anyone yelling at him. He’s running, pure dad mode.

The Wreck

Marshals’ve already swarmed the mess. Wheel over here. Halo’s got a nasty crack. The car’s twisted in ways it shouldn’t be.

Lando shoves through the crowd and finds him.

Y/N’s slumped over, helmet askew, not moving.

“Y/N!” Lando drops, knees on tarmac. “Hey, buddy, c’mon. Open your eyes, look at me.”

Medic grabs him, pulls him back. “We need space, possible spinal.”

Lando stumbles away, can’t breathe, just staring at the kid in the mangled car.

Time crawls.

Then—was that a twitch? A noise? Yeah. Y/N’s alive.

Hospital – Graz University Clinic

Broken arm, cracked ribs, concussion, bruises everywhere, a bit of a spinal scare—but he’s gonna make it.

He’s out cold, though.

Lando sits there, holding his son’s hand, mumbling stuff he should’ve said ages ago.

“You don’t have to prove a damn thing. Not to them. Not to me. Especially not to me.”

Wipes his eyes, trying to play it cool.

“You’re already everything I hoped you’d be.”

Sunday Night

Y/N wakes up just as the sun’s ducking out.

Eyes flutter, sharp breath, groan.

Lando’s right there.

“Hey, hey. I got you, I’m here.”

Y/N blinks up, groggy. “Did I crash?”

Lando nods, smiling through tears. “Oh yeah. Massive one. Gave your old man a few grey hairs.”

“Voss?”

“He’s fine. You will be too. Just not today.”

Y/N glances at his cast, then his chest, and his face kind of crumples.

“I thought I was better than that. I thought I could—”

“Stop.” Lando’s suddenly all business. “You don’t get to do that. Not when you’re the one in the hospital bed.”

Silence.

Finally: “I was scared.”

Lando squeezes his hand. “Me too. But you’re here. That’s what counts.”

Three Weeks Later – Home

Recovery sucks.

Y/N’s hating every minute. The quiet, the ache, the way every tiny thing feels like screwing up.

But Lando’s there. Every physio, every stretch, every crap night when the pain comes roaring back.

He never says it, but Y/N knows:

I’d take the crash for you if I could.

But this time, all he can do is stick around and help him through it.

One Month Later – Back at the Track

No racing yet. Just walking the paddock, getting his bearings.

People look. Whisper.

Voss walks by, eyes flickering, maybe a little sorry.

Y/N stares him down. Doesn’t even flinch.

Lando, hiding behind his shades, grins.

“You scared the hell outta me, you know.”

Y/N bumps him with his shoulder. “You already said that.”

“Still true.”

They stand there together in the shadow of the Red Bull Ring—the same place that broke him, and the same place he’s back again.

Not a ghost.

A survivor.

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fluentmoviequoter · 2 months ago

Text

New Life

Requested Here!

Pairing: TO!Jim Street x fem!rookie!reader

Summary: After you get custody of your 11-month-old niece, you see your TO's softer side. Your niece loves him, but he takes the time to make sure you are adjusting to your new life.

Warnings: brief angst, familial angst (sick sibling - not specified if it's a brother or sister), fluff, comfort, yearning and mutual pining

Word Count: 4.6k+ words

A/N: TO Street is back!!!!! I had to use this gif because Gasoline Drum is one of my favourite Street episodes🤭

Masterlist Directory | Jim Street Masterlist | Request Info\Fandom List

Street is the best training officer in the history of police training, you think. You came into the station on your first day with just enough confidence to get by and your heart in your throat, worried that you’d get one of the TOs your friends in the academy told you about: the pushy one, or the burned-out cop who’s more interested in proving you wrong than helping you. Street is the complete opposite. He’s clearly passionate about police work, and even if you remain confused about why he didn’t take the opportunity to return to SWAT, you’re grateful that he’s your TO.

Someone yells your name as you exit the roll call room, prepared to gather your war bags from the equipment room. You freeze as your mind begins racing, evaluating everything you could have done wrong, even glancing down to check if your socks match. Turning slowly on your heel, you see Street watching you, his arms crossed over his chest and his expression unreadable.

“Yes, sir?” you reply quietly.

“Do you know what day it is, boot?” he barks.

Pressing your lips together, you try to remember, but nothing is remarkable about today. So, you tell the truth, and answer, “No, sir.”

“Are you nervous?” he inquires, taking a step toward you.

“Yes, sir.”

Street stops then. “Good,” he murmurs, dropping his arms. “Ready to go?”

You blink, confused, and feel like you’re buzzing with nervousness. “Sir?”

Street taps your shoulder, directing you toward the equipment room, so you fall in step beside him, watching his profile as you walk.

“My old SWAT commander started a bet that I wouldn’t try to intimidate you on purpose,” he explains softly. “Sorry.”

“Oh,” you reply, still blinking owlishly as you stare at him. “Okay.”

Street leans over the clipboard to sign out your bags, not looking at you as he asks, “You alright?”

“My heart’s racing and I was about thirty seconds from a panic attack,” you mumble. “But, yeah, I’m alright.”

Street straightens, his muscles flexing under his short sleeves, and you have to remind yourself to look at his face and not his triceps.

“I’m sorry,” he repeats. “But I can’t let them be right about anything, ever. And I won $300, so I’ll order you a pizza or something to make up for it.”

“You don’t have to do that,” you argue. You reach for your war bag, but Street knocks your hand out of the way and pulls it onto his shoulder. “Officer Street?”

“Don’t get used to it,” he grunts, lifting his bag in his other hand. “I feel bad.”

“You also called me boot. What happened to I’m not like other TOs, I’ll treat you like a person?” you ask, lowering your voice to imitate him.

Street smiles, shaking his head. “I told you. $300.”

“We don’t get paid enough,” you sigh.

“Adam-13,” dispatch radios. “Report of a drunk and disorderly male near Harvard Park.”

Street sighs as he drops your bags in the trunk and closes the door. “Adam-13 responding,” he replies. “I’ll drive.”

“Which is different than any other day?” you murmur as you enter the passenger side of the shop.

“Hey!” Street calls as you step out of the car. “LAPD. We need to talk to you for a second.”

The man waves his hand over his head, then staggers off the sidewalk. You jog toward him, hoping he’ll stop when he sees your uniform is real.

“Hi, Jessie,” he mumbles as he brushes past you.

Furrowing your brows, you turn as Street approaches your side.

“It’s barely 8 a.m.,” he muses. “Little early for this, isn’t it?”

You want to tell Street that you think the man is confused rather than drunk, but don’t get a chance to before he turns into a park, where children are playing. Street leads the way as you run after the man, overtaking him easily as he drags his feet along the sidewalk. Standing in front of him, you block his path with your hands up and your badge visible.

“Sir, I’m Officer Jim Street,” Street says. “Have you had anything to drink today?”

“Water went shoo,” the man slurs, tossing his arms to the right and throwing himself off balance.

You step toward him, your arm extended to assist him, but Street grabs your wrist and shakes your head.

“He might get violent,” he reminds you. “Keep your distance and try to get his voluntary cooperation.”

“Sir, what’s your name?” you inquire.

“Kenneth,” he answers, squinting as he drops his head.

“Kenneth, where are you walking from?”

He squeezes his eyes closed, tilting his head to the side as he thinks. “Dunno,” he replies, shrugging.

“Street, I think he needs medical attention,” you whisper.

“Sir, do you have your ID?” Street asks. “Can I see it?”

Kenneth pats his pockets, then tsks. “Lef’it in car.”

“What kind of car do you drive?” you ask, pulling away from Street to approach Kenneth. Closer, you can see that his clothes are disheveled, and a few scrapes and bruises line his hands and jaw.

“Blue Mustang,” he answers, raising his hands to his head. “What do you want?” he demands, stepping toward you quickly.

You move back, laying your hand on your Taser before he stops and sways.

“Blue Mustang,” you repeat softly. “Street, he was in the accident off Western this morning; unoccupied Blue Mustang was leaking gas.”

Street nods, raising his hand to his radio to call for an ambulance. Kenneth tries to walk away, so you step in front of him and ask him more about his car. His short-term memory seems worse for wear, but other than the clear head trauma, he seems relatively unscathed.

You glance up when Street moves behind Kenneth, and he flashes you two fingers, so you know how long you have to distract Kenneth until the ambulance arrives.

“Weird guy, him,” Kenneth mumbles, moving his head toward Street.

“He’s just jealous of your car,” you tell him, watching Street roll his eyes. “He wants one but can’t afford it.”

A few minutes later, after you helped the paramedics coax Kenneth into the ambulance because he’d listen to you but wanted to fight them, you return to the shop with a sigh.

“What are you going to write me up for first?” you inquire. “Forgetting protocol or the Mustang joke?”

“Neither,” Street answers, looking over his shoulder to pull away from the curb. “You saw something that I didn’t. Good job following your instincts.”

“Thank you,” you reply, looking out the window so Street can’t see the smile on your face. You’re a police officer, your TO’s feedback isn’t supposed to make you giddy or cause images of hearing his praise in a much different context. Yet, Jim Street. The one guy in the LAPD you can’t seem to get enough of.

“Any sage words of wisdom?” you ask Deacon while waiting for Street.

He doesn’t answer before Hondo interrupts to say, “Don’t date playboy.”

“Playboy?” you repeat, incredulous. “Street?”

“Oh, yeah,” Hondo breathes dramatically, while Deacon rolls his eyes.

“He’s… flirty,” Deacon says. “Doesn’t usually lead anywhere. Not for long.”

You nod, pressing your lips together. Street might have made a borderline flirtatious comment once or twice, but you’re his rookie. There was never going to be anything between you, no matter what. No matter how much you think you’d like it.

“He’s not with me,” you say. “Guess his TO training advised against it.”

Hondo scoffs. “That’s never stopped Streeter before.”

Maybe it has, you think. Because the alternative is that he doesn’t like me, and I don’t know which would hurt worse.

“Because I’m impressed by how you handled Kenneth this morning,” Street begins.

“I don’t like how that sounds,” you complain, eyeing him suspiciously.

“I said I was impressed. I’m going to let you pick where we get lunch today. You have three blocks in any direction to choose from.”

You know precisely where you are, which proves to be helpful for more than patrolling today. There’s a food truck less than two blocks south of you, and Street nods as he enters a turn lane.

“Are you being nice to me because of what Hondo and Deacon said?” you blurt.

“What’d they say?” Street asks, sparing a glance at you as he drives.

“Nothing,” you murmur, wiping your uniform pants to look nonchalant.

“No,” Street replies. “What’d they say?”

“Just that I shouldn’t be surprised if you do something else because of a bet,” you lie.

Street hums, and you feel his eyes on you. He’s a good cop, a better TO, so he most likely knows you’re lying. Yet, he decides not to say anything, opting to drive silently to your chosen lunch destination.

After you order, you carry your tray to a nearby table and sit, checking your surroundings before you unwrap your straw and put it in the first cold drink you’ve had since breakfast. Street is still watching you closely, but it’s not as obvious or concerning as before. He’ll catch you in the lie eventually, you’ll laugh it off and move on. That’s how it works with Street. You thought the easy approach to serious topics was to make you comfortable as a rookie, but you see now that it’s just who Street is.

Pulling your phone from your pocket, you expect to see it void of meaningful notifications, because your friends and family respect your career choice and know that you can’t get back to them while you’re working. That, and because they all have day jobs too. Today, however, you have three missed calls. Two from callers you recognize, and one from a local number you don’t have saved. You click that voicemail first, raising your phone to your ear as Street steals something off your tray and passes something from his in return.

“Good morning, this is Pamela Watson from the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services,” the woman says. You set your drink down, feeling your heart pound in your throat as you listen. “I’m calling in regards to your niece. If you’d like to call me back today, please return this call and use extension 515, or you can email me through the office. Thank you.”

“What’s wrong?” Street asks, his gaze entirely different after he sees the concern on your face.

You can’t speak past the lump in your throat, so you shake your head and open the next voicemail, this one from your sibling.

“CFS probably already called,” they begin. “I’m fine, just dealing with some health stuff, and in turn, some money stuff. I’d never ask you to do this, and you don’t have to take responsibility, okay? If you want to, I’ll help you however I can and I will explain everything tonight. I- I’m okay, and I love you.”

You press your phone harder against your ear when the voicemail ends, clenching your teeth together as you try to make sense of everything you’ve heard. There’s another message, but you don’t want to listen to it right now. You doubt you could understand it even if you did.

“Hey,” Street calls, his voice commanding your attention this time. When you look up, his eyes bounce between yours, silently evaluating you and everything your body language tells him. “What’s wrong?” he repeats.

“I don’t know,” you admit, dropping your phone to your lap. “My- my family is… going through something, I guess. They didn’t tell me what.”

“How long ago did they call?” he inquires.

“Two hours.”

“Why didn’t you answer then?” he exclaims. “Family comes first.”

“My phone was silenced,” you answer weakly, feeling pressure in your eyes as you stare at the table. “They- they never call during the day.”

“Come on,” Street says, picking up your trays and empty cups as he stands. “We’ll tell the watch commander what happened, and you can go check on them.”

“But I can’t get time off,” you remind him. “I’m a rookie.”

“Time off is different than a family emergency. I’ll clear it. Come on.”

You follow Street to the shop, mumble your gratitude when he opens the door for you, and watch Los Angeles pass in a blur. Within an hour, you’re in the back of an Uber, showered and changed for a meeting with Pamela Watson to find out why your niece needs a new guardian.

“I know,” you say when your niece grins. “But I’m going to kill your parents for worrying me.”

She smiles wider as she giggles, reaching up toward your collar as you carry her around your living room. The calls made the situation sound much worse than they are. It’s a temporary solution to a short-term problem, Pamela had explained. Someone would take care of your niece for six months while your sibling received treatment for a recently discovered health condition. Doctors caught it early, and the treatment is 99% successful. But they’ll need time to travel, a sterile living environment, and may experience side effects that will make it harder to care for a child. With a monthly check from CFS and as many visits from your sibling as their doctor clears, you're prepared to take care of the cutest and most lovable member of your family.

It's the second night she’ll spend with you, and things are already going better than last night. You’ve chalked it up to the sudden changes, hoping that things improve with time, and you have what it takes to be a parent. As the sun sets over the Pacific, your phone buzzes on the counter. You tuck it between your ear and shoulder as you rock her to sleep, talking quietly.

“Hi,” Street greets. “Is everything okay?”

“Yes,” you answer. “Thank you again for everything.”

“Of course. Your family?”

“Is going to get through this,” you say before briefly explaining the situation your sibling is in, but failing to bring up your new roommate.

“If you need to, we can push plain clothes day,” he offers. “I can have Hicks intercede, because I spent my one get out of jail free card.”

“No, I’ll be ready,” you assure him. “And I took your advice about using sticky notes to revise for the rookie exam. It’s helping a lot, so thank you.”

“Any time. Get some rest, and I’ll see you at the station Monday.”

“You, too. Goodnight.”

You hang up, and your niece nuzzles her face into your bathrobe, inches from your heart.

“Yeah, he gets to me, too,” you murmur.

Exactly a week after getting custody of your niece, you get put on the midnight shift. It’s inconvenient for more than your sleep schedule now, but you can’t get out of it, regardless of your excuse. So, you ask your cousin to watch your niece for one night only, going so far as to give up your apartment so she can have time away from her roommate as an incentive. She agrees, more than happy to spend time with the youngest family member, and you breathe a sigh of relief when she shows up on time.

“I thought you had to wear a uniform,” she muses as she carries her bag inside.

“I change at the station,” you inform her. “Everything you should need is on the counter, there are a few notes on the fridge, and I’ll try to have my phone on.”

“We’ll be fine,” she promises. “Be safe.”

You smile, thanking her once more, then focus on the job. Not on your family, how tired you are, or Street. The last proves to be the most difficult, because something about the way the city lights reflect off his profile makes his magnetism grow infinitely stronger.

“Hey, wait up!” Street calls, jogging out of the station behind you.

The sun is beginning to rise, stray beams of light illuminating the city. You’re ready for breakfast – or is it dinner? - and a nap, you think, but you’re willing to wait for Street.

“20 David is having their annual arm-wrestling competition against LAFD tomorrow,” he says, shifting his backpack on his shoulder. “Would you maybe want to come?”

“Arm wrestling against firefighters?” you repeat.

“Yeah, but don’t count us out.”

“Oh, I made the mistake of accepting an offer from Luca once,” you remember. “I have no doubt they’ll win. It’s just…” I have a baby at home sounds wrong, so you trail off.

“You don’t have to come,” Street offers, his smile dropping and his dimples disappearing. “Just wanted to offer.”

“No, I want to come,” you assure him. “Could I bring someone?”

“Yeah, of course,” Street answers, his smile long gone.

You thank him for the invitation and turn around, eager to get home, leaving him wondering who you’re willing to bring into this part of your life. He must be special, Street thinks, instantly hating himself for how jealous his inner voice sounds.

Your niece laughs, smiling with her cheek smushed against your chest. The baby carrier her dad insists on using every time they go out is now hooked over your shoulders and around your waist, and your first thought was, Oh, I get it. This is amazing. She giggles every time you tap her feet, so as you enter the police station, you distract her with rhythmic taps and gentle pulls to her feet and hands.

Inside SWAT HQ, dozens of firefighters and officers mill around, some carrying drinks, others with plates of cake and snacks, and some trash talking the competition. You found out this morning that the competition isn’t just for bragging rights, but for charity. Looking around for an officer you recognize, you don’t notice that your niece quiets, her eyes wide at the sight of so many large men.

Someone calls your last name, and you lay your hand on the baby carrier, pressing gently against your niece’s back as you turn. Deacon’s eyes widen in surprise for a brief moment, then he smiles and steps closer to you.

“Who is this?” he inquires, waving to your now-smiling niece.

“My niece,” you answer. “I’m watching her for a while.”

Deacon nods, letting her reach out and clasp her fingers around his finger before she giggles. He doesn’t press or ask for the specifics about the situation, and you’re grateful for that.

“I hope it’s okay we’re here,” you add. “Street told me I could come, and could bring someone, but I didn’t exactly tell him my plus one was an eleven-month-old.”

“More than okay,” Deacon assures you. “Everyone is going to love her. Here, follow me. You can put her bag in the situation room, come in here if you need peace and quiet or anything.”

“Thank you,” you say, punctuated with a sigh, following Deacon toward the closed door. “I really appreciate it.”

He nods, taking your backpack after you slip it off your shoulders. There’s a large table against the far wall, and he sets it there for easy access, then offers to show you around until Street finds you. “And he will,” Deacon murmurs.

“You have a baby,” Luca exclaims when you exit the situation room. “Oh, she’s adorable.”

“Thanks,” you reply. “My niece.”

Luca smiles, and she matches his expression before kicking her legs and pointing. You turn your head toward her new object of admiration, and your smile falls when you see Street. He’s not looking at her; he’s staring at your face and standing completely motionless in the hall.

“Hi,” you greet softly.

“I’ll leave you to it,” Deacon says, patting your back kindly.

“Yeah, and I’ve got to stretch out my bicep,” Luca adds, turning to follow Deacon.

You watch Street momentarily, everything growing more awkward by the second. Luckily, your niece breaks the silence with a heart-warming giggle that draws both your attention and Street’s.

“Did I…” he begins. “Did I miss a chapter in the get to know my rookie book?”

“Remember when I said something came up with my family?” you ask. He nods, so you gesture to your niece. “She needed a temporary guardian. I got custody of her last week.”

“She’s your…”

“Niece.”

Street nods as he approaches you. “She’s adorable,” he murmurs.

She squeals, reaching toward him as she pulls away from your chest.

“Nice to meet you too,” Street says, his arm pressed against your shoulder as he smiles at her. “Yeah, I like your aunt, she’s okay.”

“I think I’m a little better than okay,” you mumble, pinching your brows.

Street smiles, turning toward you as you tilt your chin to look at him. Your niece whines, hitting your chest until Street returns his attention to her. She smiles up at him, dropping her head toward her shoulder as she reaches toward him again.

“I think someone likes you,” you muse, patting her back gently.

“Really? Who?” he teases, glancing at you quickly as he offers his hand.

Your niece wraps her hand around his finger, kicking her legs excitedly against your rib cage. Wincing in surprise more than pain, you don’t notice how quickly Street looks up at you, bent at his waist to talk to your niece.

“You alright?” he inquires.

“Fine,” you assure him. “She really likes you. I haven’t seen her respond to someone like this before.”

Street nods as he straightens, then asks, “May I?”

“You don’t have to.”

“Not what I asked.”

You nod then, holding one arm under the bottom of the baby carrier as you reach to undo the clips on either side of her.

“Wait,” Street murmurs. “I got it.”

His hand covers yours briefly, your eyes meeting with only a breath – and a baby – between you. He nods, so you drop your hand to support your niece while Street opens the carrier. His fingers run along the sides of your rib, and you fight off the shiver that threatens to run through you at his touch. It disappears too quickly as he pulls your niece into his arms, chuckling when she smiles against his chest and gets comfortable as he sways.

“Not exactly what I expected when your team said you were a playboy,” you joke.

Street freezes, pursing his lips for a moment before he speaks. “Is that what they told you that made you act so weird?”

Right, you remember. The one thing I wasn’t supposed to bring up. In my defense, I have a baby now. Maybe late off-set pregnancy brain rubbed off on me somehow.

“It- it was just a joke, Officer Street. I know you’d never do anything like that with me, even if it wasn’t,” you defend.

He hesitates before answering, “Fine. But drop the Officer. We’re out of uniform, hanging out with my new best friend to watch Luca demolish some firefighters, so I’m just Street today.”

“Okay. Thanks, Street.”

You watch him walk away, gaining several steps before you trail behind him. Remembering that you have an empty baby carrier halfway strapped on, you stop and look at the situation room, then at Street’s back. You trust him, so you let him carry your niece out of sight while you put her carrier with her bag. In the privacy of the situation room, you press your hands against the edge of a table and sigh deeply. Your niece might be obsessed with Street, and that’s fine, but your feelings about your TO, which aren't so dissimilar, are not.

Street has been with your niece for one hour and forty-six minutes when she grows fussy. Not that you’ve been counting, but Street disoriented you enough when he took her from you that you noticed and remembered the time. That’s normal, you tell yourself, you’re a cop. It’s your job to be observant.

He excuses himself from the group of cops and firefighters who lost all inhibition and dropped their tough acts when they saw a cute, smiling baby, and walks toward you.

“She’s hungry,” you say, pushing off the wall you’d been leaning against to watch practice rounds (and Street). “I’ve got her food.”

You reach out for her, but Street moves one arm behind her head, blocking her from you as he turns away.

“No, I got it,” he argues, drawing a pleased squeal from your niece.

“Street, I didn’t bring her here to have you babysit,” you explain, smiling. “I appreciate it, but you’ve done more than enough.”

“You didn’t sign up for this, but that doesn’t mean you can’t accept help.”

You nod slowly, tipping your head toward the situation room. Street follows you inside, sits beside your bag, and acts like he’s been doing this his whole life. You stand by the door, your fingers hooked together as you watch him. As he feeds your niece, carrying a one-sided conversation with her, you tear your eyes from him and wander around the room, looking at the equipment 20 squad members use daily.

“Is your family okay?” Street asks, his eyes still on your niece as she blinks slowly.

“Yes,” you answer, rubbing a spot on a table to keep yourself from looking at Street. If you turn around, he might see how worried you are, not just about your family but your future with Street and in the department. Incredibly, your niece has brought up so many questions about your own life, but you wouldn’t change this for anything. “Her, uh-her parents are just dealing with some health issues, getting treatment, and need her to stay with me for six months.”

“The doctors are hopeful?” he clarifies.

“99% confident,” you answer. “And everyone is chipping in to help.”

“That’s great.”

Street sounds closer now, and you turn to discover he’s walking toward you. He points to his left, and you see your niece fast asleep on her roll-out changing mat. Street has positioned it against the wall, with her carrier on the other side so she’s safe from falling or hitting the metal table. You sniff, dragging your hand under your eye to ensure you aren’t showing the emotions you’re feeling.

“How are you?” Street asks, leaning against the table beside you.

No one has asked that yet. Your family has called to check in on your niece, offered to babysit while you work, dropped off toys and food, but no one has taken the time or interest in learning how you are adjusting to this new life.

“I’m fine,” you answer softly, inhaling deeply to keep yourself composed.

Street shakes his head, and you drop your chin toward your chest. “I’m tired,” you admit then. “Scared I’m going to mess up or hurt her or something else. I can’t disappoint anyone, Street, they’re counting on me.”

“Hey,” Street murmurs. You don’t look up, so he hooks his finger under your chin to direct your eyes to his. “Hey. You aren’t going to disappoint anyone.”

“You don’t know that,” you argue, your voice strained.

“I do. I’m your teacher, I know everything about your potential.”

You smile, leaning closer to Street. He drops his hand to your waist as he steps closer.

“We can’t,” you whisper.

Street looks between your eyes, the world slowing around you. Someone yells outside, and you both look toward your niece, but she’s still asleep.

“We can’t now,” Street amends. “Care to watch some arm wrestling?”

“Sure,” you answer. “Thank you, Street.”

“Street!” your niece exclaims as she blinks awake.

His eyes widen, his fingers dragging across your waist as he rushes to her side, pulling her to his chest again.

“That’s me!” he says. “You’re so smart, just like your aunt.”

You smile as Street takes your hand, leading you into the heart of SWAT HQ with your heart tucked safely beside his, waiting for the right time.

“Hey, you can’t cheat in front of a baby!” Street yells, drawing a groan from the entire LAFD and a happy giggle from your niece, who will be impossible to part with in six months.

#to!jim street #jim street x fem!reader #jim street x reader #jim street fluff #jim street fic #jim street imagine #jim street #swat x reader #swat imagine #swat fic #swat cbs #fem!reader #requests #hanna writes✯

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agoldenblackbird · 2 months ago

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Ranty Bitch Vol. 4: Buck and Eddie's Friendship

started my own post instead of adding on bc WOW this got long, but seeing sadieb798 's addition to this post reminded me that YEAH, buck HAS bent over backwards for eddie and chris. like friendships aren't transactional or they shouldn't be but if you tally things up its very uneven and that's a glaring red flag.

buck has:

-given up endless days off to babysit christopher so eddie could go out on dates, work without buck, go out with other friends, and cheat on his girlfriend!

-he also got voluntold to babysit when carla wasn't available when he was recovering from the embolism and severely depressed! eddie said buck being off work - the thing he was so depressed about he literally wasn't getting out of bed - was CONVENIENT for EDDIE.

at the time it was supposed to be a joke i'm sure. but looking back through all of canon it's like...really? oh so you only do care about what he can do for you, you even said the quiet part loud.

-he saved eddie's life

-he saved chris' life

-he brought carla into their lives and solved eddie's childcare issues after eddie had been floundering for months already [math: couple weeks-1 month at the 118 (or could be much longer, bc maddie went through all of dispatcher training between 2x01 and 2x02, time is fake on this show) plus 5 months for the academy plus however long he was in LA before that. a long time to be without consistent organized childcare and relying solely on favors from women in your family who have their own lives and in pepa's case a full time job!] it's implied by the vague 'programs' and how applying for one can disqualify you from others that carla was able to also help him get funding from the state for chris' care, so this solved a serious financial issue for eddie as well.

-he grovelled for forgiveness for not being there for EDDIE after buck had suffered the extensive trauma of 3 near-death-experiences in a row and had to fight to get his job back when he was unfairly and illegally constructively dismissed because of personal bias on the part of his boss

-he forgave eddie for screaming at him in a grocery store and calling him exhausting and selfish even though eddie never apologised

-he put eddie up during the pandemic in his NO BEDROOM LOFT APARTMENT ffs, and considering eddie still had to pay rent on his own house buck probably did that for free

-he's cooked dinner for them (i think we only see this happen onscreen twice but there's indications it's a fairly regular thing, and that's labor and time intensive and also not cheap considering the price of groceries)

-he organized firefam christmas at the station when eddie was upset about letting down chris on their first christmas without shannon by having to work

-he ran to eddie's rescue in the middle of the night after his breakdown AND took over the running of the diaz household in the aftermath so eddie could focus on therapy and his own recovery, including helping clean up not just the metaphorical but the LITERAL mess eddie had made, complete with patching the holes in his walls

-gently intervened with worry for eddie's well being and mental health when eddie was cheating on his girlfriend with his dead wife's clone

-puts off his own life/wants/priorities and drops everything to deal with eddie's problems - the most glaring examples coming to mind would be all but moving into eddie's after eddie's breakdown and ignoring his newly-moved-in girlfriend, and rescheduling a date with tommy at the last minute after finding out about kim, but i'm sure there are others if i felt like an 8-season rewatch (reader, i do NOT)

-gave up his home - probably paying a penalty for breaking his OWN lease - to sublet from eddie so eddie could afford to move to texas

-and then functioned as his DAILY life coach/cheerleader/ersatz therapist when eddie, having impulsively quit his job and moved to el paso without talking about it with chris and bought a 'fixer-upper' aka money pit, had no job and was broke and floundering

-continued to coach him through staying and reconnecting with chris instead of giving up despite that meaning buck would get what he wanted - his partner and friend back. if he was actually as selfish as eddie likes to accuse him of being he could have said 'welp you tried, you're right it's time to move back'

-did not once say anything along the lines of 'i told you this was a bad idea' or 'hm what's going on with chris' health insurance now that you no longer have a firefighter job pretty sure uber doesn't have a benefits package' or anything else pointing out how eddie keeps on causing his own problems with impulsive bad choices and not learning anything from it (i would not have been able to resist! buck is way too nice!)

-and then there's the part where buck is always happy to step in and do the emotional labor w/ chris that eddie doesn't want to do or maybe doesn't have the ability to do, which is why i side-eye eddie being praised for being the best father EVAR. some examples:

-->when chris was upset about being lied to and how he was not like other kids/couldn't do everything after the skateboard incident, came up with a way chris Could Skateboard, Actually

-->it's said he often took chris to the zoo without eddie, to the point that they 'have the place memorized,' so he's involved in seeking out and scheduling these sorts of activities and probably also paying for them

-->buck is the one making cookies with chris for the pta bakesale, and he also helps with homework

-->and most importantly, buck has taken over difficult conversations with chris MULTIPLE times over a span of years including

------>struggling with people leaving/his father dating again

------>telling chris his father was shot

------>comforting/explaining to chris after his father had a breakdown and smashed up his bedroom with a baseball bat and scared the shit out of chris

------>not two-timing girls, which then turned into a conversation about his dead mom that eddie, despite listening in, continued to let buck handle for him

------>a second conversation about two-timing and how it's apparently fine when eddie does it, in order to convince chris not to LEAVE THE STATE. eddie really said 'hey i'm tagging you in, do your thing' instead of talking to his own kid after arguably the biggest parenting screwup made by a main on the show.

some of these buck just happened to be the person who was there or chris sought him out specifically, but at least twice eddie assigned him that task and it's implied in how he says it 'do what you ALWAYS do' that it's a regular thing.

on the other hand, eddie:

-helped save his life after he was struck by lightning (he gets half points for this because it was a group effort)

-took him to a poker game once to spend time together as friends that does not involve buck doing something for eddie (although it was arguably just to abuse his math skills for eddie's entertainment/gain)

-hosted one (1) dinner for buck and taylor that he actually cooked himself which i'm sure was a HUUUUUGE sacrifice in eddie's mind considering how terrible a cook he was and how much he hated her...

-sometimes throws his child at buck when buck is depressed or upset (i'm only listing this bc eddie probably thinks of it as something he has 'done for buck.' EYE don't think using your child as a combination of meat shield/inspiration porn (christopher never feels sorry for himself) and essentially putting the burden on chris of making buck feel better instead of eddie himself saying 'hey i'm worried about you, do you need to talk about it' and then listening to him, or saying 'hey, that was shitty of me to pick a fight with you and say all those mean things, i didn't mean it and i'm sorry' - y'know, being a FRIEND - is something he should be praised for)

-was very supportive when buck was angry and spiralling about his parents' bullshit (this was legit a very lovely friendship moment! back when eddie's character had potential and i had hope! oh, those halcyon days)

-gave buck refuge from maddie's micromanaging post-lightning strike, asked how he was, listened to the answer, and gave advice/encouragement/support from his own NDE experience (genuinely, no sarcasm, this was A+ good friendship and a standout moment. unfortunately it doesn't make up for *gestures vaguely at canon*)

-forgave buck for spraining his ankle/said through the proxy of tommy that he felt bad for excluding buck. it was an Everyone Sucks Here situation because Eddie was being thoughtless but that doesn't give buck the right to bodycheck him bc he's jealous. (people get hurt playing sportsball yes, so it's debatable if it was really on purpose although buck himself alludes to it not being completely accidental in the convo with maddie). it was still kind of eddie to understand where buck was coming from without needing it spelled out or going but whatabout meeeeeee. i'm just salty because clearly he's CAPABLE of seeing things from buck's perspective and being understanding and fair, and most of the time he'd just rather use buck as an emotional punching bag and accuse him of 'making everything about himself.' the time when buck arguably WAS making things about himself that weren't - ie eddie making a new friend - eddie doesn't say that. but when buck is having emotions in a way eddie doesn't like or finds inconvenient, suddenly the verbal knives are out.

-wasn't a homophobe when buck came out to him, although that's kinda bare minimum for being a Non-Awful Human plus he managed to insult him twice in that 10 minute conversation soooo... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

-and gave buck custody of his son if/when he dies which is arguably actually for chris's sake and for eddie's own peace of mind, considering that eddie's not dead yet, but he already has a habit of outsourcing the parts of parenting he doesn't want to do to buck!

#idk taken all together it just seems like eddie is only friends with buck because/when buck is useful #and buck only became friends with eddie because he was There (partners at work) and Stayed (abandonment issues activate!) and he clings #which might be why he struggled so much with eddie leaving. bc eddie was breaking the Core Agreement of their friendship #that it's fine if he treats buck like crap but he's not allowed to Leave-#so if he's leaving anyway did buck tolerate/excuse all the crappiness for nothing? (subconsciously ofc)#yes i'm aware this is all WAY more thought than the writers or tim ever put into any of this it's fine shh #911 #eddie diaz critical #anti buddie #birdie rants #the ranty bitch chronicles

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kinardsevan · 3 months ago

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in the shadow, here i am (and I need someone by my side)

this is half inspired by @sherlocking-out-loud's prompt, and was also already half-written for the second half of it based off of the interaction that takes place in it. I think they slot together well <3 cw: 8x15 spoilers (although I'm assuming if you're here, you've already seen it)

It’s a long day. Bobby’s faith being what it was leads to Athena holding a full Catholic funeral for him, combined with the LAFD doing their part in holding a full processional for him. The graveside service is a struggle for everyone, and it takes every ounce of determination Evan has in him to hold it together when it comes time to ring the bell.

Afterward, the chief announces a gathering at city hall, which most of their team comes to the conclusion that they don’t actually want to attend. Still, Athena is in full need of their support, so they band together with her to make an appearance. Still, once they’ve made a quick round, they find a way to slip her and the kids out before they all agree to meet back at Evan’s place. In some sort of cruel, twisted joke, the finishing touches seemed to be going on Bobby and Athena’s house, but Athena was still struggling to decide if she actually wanted to live there now without Bobby. Plus, in the face of losing the captain, Evan had taken on the role of taking care of everyone and making sure everything related to the funeral was covered. By relation, Tommy was doing his best to make sure Evan was taken care of, but it was all a process. He tried not to push too hard because he knew it was a delicate balance between letting Evan maintain his hold on his grief—and frankly, his sanity at the moment—and if that meant helping him host a post-funeral get-together, then so be it.

Truth be told, though, food wasn’t what any of them wanted, even if the kitchen and multiple tables in the living room were flooded with food—mostly from recipes that Evan had learned directly from Bobby. It didn’t stop the baking, either, and there were plenty of cakes, cookies, and pastries scattered across a table set aside just for desserts.

Stll, whether people were just being polite or they actually felt the urge to eat something, inevitably everyone ended up with at least a small plate with one thing or another on it, having changed out of their dress blues and nice clothes into more casual clothing. Light conversation scattered here and there, and while Evan was working on cutting up a homemade pizza after someone—he was pretty sure it was Eddie—suggested that greasy food might help, he returned to the living room to find their friends telling stories about Bobby. Some were funny, others were sad, but all were sentimental.

As he walks back in and sets the pizza on the coffee table, Eddie is finishing a story about how Bobby had helped him during his time at Dispatch. Based on the way conversation has been shifting around the room, Tommy is next in line, and Evan has no idea what the pilot is going to say.

A wistful smile pulls at his face as he stares down at the coffee cup in his hands.

“I put in for my transfer about a month before Evan finished at the academy,” he states. He clears his throat after a moment and inhales a breath, trying to choose his words correctly. “After Bobby came into the 118, I think it was the first time I really felt like I could maybe fit somewhere, being myself. I was still trying to work out what that meant, and it took me a while, and I had this stupid fear of actually doing it in front of…” He pauses again, holding a palm out to gesture at everyone else. “Well, I guess in front of all of you.”

Evan leans against the wall by the doorway, staring over at Tommy as he talks. His gaze falls to a loose thread on the oatmeal gray long-sleeved henley the pilot is wearing at the same time Tommy seems to spot it, pulling on it with his thumb and forefinger. He watches Tommy’s gaze flit to the ceiling, and something inside his chest twists, knowing the other man is trying to keep his own emotions at bay.

“Anyway, I’d been flying a lot after ending my last relationship, working out what I felt like I could handle and not, and as much as I wanted to stay, I didn’t feel ready to do it in front of people who knew me so intimately. Bobby knew I was working on getting fully certified and mentioned Harbor being an option with Air Support after a few conversations where I’d mentioned being restless and needing a change.

“The week I left, he asked if we could get coffee before a shift.”

Tommy walks into the firehouse wearily, stopping by the lockers long enough to drop off his things off in his before heading up to the second floor. Bobby texted him just before he’d left his house to let him know that he’d swung by the coffeeshop nearby and picked up the good stuff.

He climbs to the mezzanine, past the walkway and around the corner to the captiain’s office, knocking twice before entering when Bobby calls out.

“Kinard,” Bobby greets warmly. The older man looks more awake than Tommy feels, but the coffee cup sitting on the visitor’s side of the desk has Tommy’s regular order scrawled on the side—caramel latte with extra caramel and and extra shot—and it lures him into the room, where he drops into a chair across from Bobby and lifts the lid off, taking a sip from it and letting the warmth slide down gratefully. Something about that first drop hitting his stomach feels like life kicking in and the exhaustion being tamped down just a little bit.

“Hey Cap,” he states after recapping the drink and settling back on the desk. He grants the other man a small smile. “You wanted to talk?”

“Yeah,” Bobby answers. He seems to study Tommy for a moment, thinking on his words. He takes another sip of his own coffee and then settles back in his chair. “I guess there’s no right way to say this, given that you’re already headed to Harbor next week. But I wanted to express that it’s been a pleasure to have you here with the team. You made settling in around here a little bit easier.”

Tommy grants a small smile at Bobby’s statement and nods. “I appreciate it. It’s been a good thing to be here under your tutelage.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” Bobby responds. SIlence settles in between them briefly, and Tommy’s brow furrows in curiosity. He feels a little awkward, wondering if he was really asked to come in early just so that Bobby could give him a good send-off. But when the other man doesn’t speak right away, he leans forward and starts to push up from his chair. “We done?”

“I know you’ve been dealing with a lot of change,” Bobby comments. The way his voice sounds coming out of his mouth punches Tommy in the chest. “And I’ve never wanted to push you to talk about anything you weren’t ready for, especially if you’re not ready for it. But I hope that you're leaving is in pursuit of something that brings you good things, and that it’s not because you didn’t feel like you couldn’t be yourself or that you didn’t feel safe here.”

Tommy gulps, staring down at the ground hard. How many times has he wished that someone would tell him that he deserves to feel safe? How many times has he wanted to find a place where someone would let him be himself?

He picks up his coffee and stares down at it, sniffs. After a few seconds he clears his throat and looks up at Bobby.

“I’m gay,” he rasps. He closes his eyes and shakes his head, glancing up the ceiling for a moment.“And, it’s taken me a long time to get to that without feeling like I have to…”

“Be someone else for everybody else?” Bobby offers.

Tommy nods.

“And you know you don’t have to leave here in order to be who you want to be, right?” Bobby asks.

“I do,” Tommy responds. A rueful smile crosses his face. “On both fronts. Not because of anything wrong here, but so that-..”

“You can fully embrace it without any strings.”

“Yeah,” Tommy answers, his voice barely more than a whisper.

Bobby nods for a moment. “Well, you always have a place here if you ever change your mind.”

“He was the first person I ever told,” Tommy finishes, his gaze still on his coffee cup. A hand lands on his shoulder and squeezes, and he glances up to see Eddie beside him. The younger man squeezes his shoulder again, and Tommy nods at him before his gaze shifts across the room towards Evan as someone else starts telling their own story. He watches as his ex-boyfriend-current-situationship clears his throat as an emotional expression crosses his face. He mutters a soft ‘sorry’ that Tommy’s not sure most of the room catches, and then ducks into the hallway around the corner.

His gaze flits back toward Maddie, who seems to have been the only one who noticed, and he shakes his head in a small movement towards her, lifting his hand slightly before settling his coffee cup on the sideboard beside him and walking down the hall after Evan.

When he reaches the end of the hall, the bedroom door is mostly shut, but a sliver of light slips through. Tommy wraps his hand around the door handle and gives a very light knock.

“Evan?”

He hears sniffles from inside the room and eases the door open enough to slide in before closing it behind himself. Evan is seated on the side of the bed, sniffling as he rubs a palm anxiously over his knee.

“I’m fine,” he insists, trying to wave Tommy off with his other hand. He says it as though they haven’t spent every night together since Bobby's passing, like Tommy wasn’t the one who brought Evan home, got him showered and into bed, and stayed curled up with him for the next twelve hours as he moved through each undertow of grief.

Tommy crosses the room anyway and sits down next to Evan, tilting his head to look at him as he rests a hand between Evan’s shoulder blades. Evan lets out a quiet sob and Tommy shifts to move closer, but Evan lifts his hand from his leg, shaking it.

“No, no,” he insists. “I-…” He forces down a deep breath before looking up at Tommy. The pilot reaches up and wipes at the tears on Evan’s face, looking at him with concern.

“I j-just- n-nobody gets it,” Evan stammers. “Not really. I- I mean, Maddie has always had a better relationship with our parents than me, a-and I know Chim lost his mom, but he has the Lee’s, a-and Hen has her mom-..”

“And they’ve all always had someone,” Tommy finishes for him in a softer tone.

Evan nods. “I…b-before I got here and joined the LAFD, had Bobby in my life…” His voice trails off as he folds his hand out, at a loss for the right words.

“You didn’t have anyone,” Tommy says, stroking his thumb between Evan’s shoulder blades where his hand still rests on the younger man’s back. It takes him a few seconds, but Evan nods, staring off into space as if recalling a memory. When he breaks from it, he glances back up at Tommy.

“I mean, Maddie was around, but she went to Boston when I was 12, and then I tried to get her to leave with me when I was 19, and she sent me away with her jeep because of how her ex-husband was,” he explains. “And everywhere I went, I never fit. Until I got here, and landed i-in your open spot.”

Tommy gives a small, wistful smile, nodding.

“Bobby turned that place into a safe haven,” he comments.

Evan nods again. “H-he was really insistent in the beginning, about how- how we weren’t family. But over time, I think we wore him down, a-and Athena.” He pauses, sniffs softly, and then shakes his head. “Somewhere in the midst of it, it was like finally having a-a real…”

“Like having a father,” Tommy finishes. Evan nods, sniffling, and he rubs his hand up and down the younger man’s back again.

“And I like everyone’s stories, but… no one seems to get how it feels losing that,” he murmurs.

Tommy rolls his bottom lip between his teeth, sliding his hand down Evan’s back and pulling it away. The younger man looks over at him, a haunted expression on his face as Tommy’s own reminds him of one he’d seen on the pilot’s face the night they broke up.

But then Tommy slides his palm into Evan’s and interlaces their fingers.

“I do,” he rasps, staring down at their hands. Evan’s eyebrows raise, and he opens his mouth to ask, only to stop himself. Something about the way Tommy is reaching out instead of running, trying to build a bridge instead of bolting, makes him stay quiet so that he can hear the man out.

“My mom,” he explains, tilting his head slightly. The wistful smile returns as he strokes his thumb against the back of Evan’s. Tommy wrinkles his nose and sniffs. “She died when I was seven. She was kind-of my world… at least as much as a mom can be when her kid is obsessed with monster trucks. But, she loved romcoms, and she always made the best homemade red velvet cake.”

Evan watches him silently, heartened by the fact that Tommy is choosing to finally share this part of himself with him.

“She uh…she got sick, really fast,” Tommy states, forcing a smile on his face as his eyes start to burn. “One day she was fine, and then she got this pain in her chest, and after a really short hospital stay, she was home for a few weeks, and then she was gone.”

Evan lifts his free hand up to Tommy’s cheek, stroking along his temple.

“Baby,” he murmurs softly, his voice lilting. “I’m so sorry.”

Tommy shakes his head, looking up at Evan with tears clinging to his waterline. He forces down a gulp along with a deep breath.

“She would’ve really liked you,” he comments. He turns into Evan’s palm slightly, kissing the edge of it. “Would’ve said it was about time I found someone who wouldn’t just let me keep running.”

Evan smiles at him, a little rueful. “Bobby already did like you.”

Tommy raises an eyebrow slightly. “Yeah?”

Evan nods. “He said you were good for me.” His gaze flits back and forth at Tommy’s eyes as he strokes his thumb along the man’s face again. “He wasn’t wrong.”

Tommy’s smile grows a little, heartened as well, and he reaches up for Evan’s wrist, holding onto it as he leans into the younger man. Evan meets him in the middle, trading soft, open-mouthed kisses for a few seconds. When they part, Tommy rests his forehead against Evan’s.

“Life’s fucking fleeting,” he murmurs.

Tommy nods. “That it is.”

“And I don't want another second to pass without you knowing exactly where you stand in my life,” Evan states. Tommy leans up slightly, clearly curious but also prepared for the seriousness of whatever Evan is about to say.

“Okay?”

The younger man’s gaze flits again, down to Tommy’s lips briefly, and then back up toward him.

“I love you,” Evan says softly. “I’m in love with you. I have been for a long time now, and I don’t want to waste more time on what might be. I don’t want anyone else; I haven’t since the day I met you. I didn’t know what I was looking for when I found you, but I do now, and it’s just you, in whatever form that takes.”

Tommy presses his lips together anxiously as he inhales a deep breath. He gulps, tilts his head down slightly, looking at where their hands are still intertwined.

“Why be apart when we can be together,” he murmurs, almost a whisper.

Evan laughs a breath. “Yeah, I guess.”

Tommy looks back up at him. “Falling in love with you is both the easiest and most terrifying thing I have ever done. You made a black and white world technicolor, but at such a speed and assurance that the crash felt inevitable. It took me a long time to realize I was the one driving the car.” He pauses, gently pulling Evan’s hand down off his face only to curl his fingers around the younger man’s chin and grin at him, his eyes drifting to Evan’s lips. “I think I loved you before I even knew you, before I knew the possibility of you. You just turned up one day, and my heart already knew you.”

Evan blushes at Tommy’s words.

“‘course, I had to get out of my own way first,” he comments, and they both laugh. Tommy tilts his head slightly, still looking at him. “I love you so much, Evan. I wake up every day thankful that you’ve survived a bomb that was intended for me, and being struck by lightning, and lately I feel really fucking selfish and also grateful that you didn’t get locked in that facility with the rest of the 118 and contract CCHF.”

Evan breathes a few breaths. He understands what Tommy means, even if a wave shoots through his chest, given that he’s definitely had moments where he wished he could’ve switched places with Bobby or Chimney, regardless of the fact that he knows that Bobby would’ve fought to get everyone out if roles had been reversed. And then, of course, there’s the issue of the fact that every time he had that thought, his competing thought was the fact that he would’ve left Tommy alone. Again. It's the first time it starts to dawn on him that—as Eddie had told him so long ago—that his life isn’t expendable. Someone waits for him to come home.

“Where do we go from here,” Evan asks softly.

Tommy looks back at him somberly, his thumb shifting to the edge of the younger man’s jaw and stroking gently. A small laugh escapes him, and he repeats himself, his voice ticking up towards the end of the sentence. “Why be apart when we can be together?”

“You want to move in together,” Evan asks.

Tommy gulps. “I don’t want to risk the idea that one of us could die tomorrow, and I didn’t spend every waking moment possible getting to love you. So yes, I want to move in together. I want everything you said that night. Not…” He pauses, inhales a deep breath. “Not tomorrow, but…when things feel better, and we have a real plan.”

Evan nods. He’d had a conversation with Athena a few days before, talking about how they both wanted more time with Bobby, and she’d mentioned the fact that he had said to her that he wanted more time with her, but they weren’t going to get it. Lying in bed over the past few nights with Tommy beside him, he couldn’t shake the fact that they were staring down the barrel of being granted that option, only to let stupid idiosyncrasies and fears stand in their way because they both kept choosing ot pine in fear instead of being willing to be the one that would take the leap and pick up the phone.

“Will…will you s-stay? In the meantime,” Evan asks. Tommy squeezes his hand again.

“Baby, I’ll be here as long as you let me.”

#bucktommy #my fic #sloth writes #tevan #kinley #firepilot #firebeast

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