#doctor appt in 1 week 1 day

[j-femmescoli]

in college i was known for going to bed early and waking up early. recently i take 5 - 10mg of melatonin a night and still roll around unable to sleep until 2am for no fucking reason. also the book that ive been working on for over seven years makes no sense and i’ll have to rewrite it for the sixth time

[mamawasatesttube]

experiencing the horrors . save me lil guy from comic book. lil guy from comic book PLEASE

[bunnyboy-juice]

GAHHHH

[elleaitch22]

Love on Fire

Chapter 4: Second Chances

Pairing: Paige Bueckers x Azzi Fudd

A/N: Sorry this is so short! This is the last filler before the plot picks up! I hope you love it!! xx Elle

Warnings: Fertility treatment, medical procedures

Word Count: 3.2k words

-----------------------------------

Paigey 💗🧑🏼‍🚒🔥❤️‍🔥: whatchu want for dinner?

Princess 💗👸🏽👩🏽‍���: Idk. Not burgers. Or pasta. Or Chinese.

Paigey 💗🧑🏼‍🚒🔥❤️‍🔥: chipotle? cava?

Princess 💗👸🏽👩🏽‍🍳: Idk.

Princess 💗👸🏽👩🏽‍🍳: You pick. Please

Paigey 💗🧑🏼‍🚒🔥❤️‍🔥: cava?

Princess 💗👸🏽👩🏽‍🍳: Wrong choice. Try again

Paigey 💗🧑🏼‍🚒🔥❤️‍🔥: LMAOOO. i'll be there w your bowl when i pick you up from the bakery

Paige chuckled and locked her phone, tossing it into her passenger seat before driving the rest of the way to the hospital. Azzi’s texts were always one of the highlights of her day, even the indecisive ones. Especially the indecisive ones. It meant she stilltrusted Paige to show up for her, to know what she needed.

Since she had a 24 hour on shift, 48 hour off shift schedule, Paige was a child safety consultant on her off days. She taught a couple two-day cohort every three days at one of the hospitals in Baltimore.

Her drive to the hospital was short, but her thoughts stretched the whole way there. She’d memorized the phases of fertility treatment just as much as she’d memorized the child safety textbook. She was always preparing for Azzi’s second round. She just couldn’t stand the thought of not being helpful.

In between her first and second classes, she found Dr. Nelson-Agoda, one of the OB-GYN’s at the hospital.

“Hey, Liv!” She smiled, walking up to the doctor.

The doctor looked up from the tablet and grinned, “My favorite firefighter! What’d you bring me today?”

Paige paused, rubbing the back of her neck. “Well, Azzi wasn’t feeling well, so I wasn’t able to bring to anything today. But tomorrow, I’ll bring two things.”

“Whatever,” Liv rolled her eyes. “What’s up, Bueckers?”

“So, one of my friends is trying to have a baby. She did IUI, but the first round didn’t work. She’s going to try again, but when do they normally succeed? Is there anything I can do to support her? When are we supposed to give up, or try something else?” She rambled. “I just wanna be prepared for whatever she needs. Support her, you know?”

“I didn’t know Azzi was trying for a baby!” Liv beamed.

Paige’s eyes widened in panic, “I didn’t say it was Azzi!” At the deadpan look on Olivia’s face, “I think I’ve had two conversations with you where you haven’t brought her up.”

“Okay, okay,” She conceded. “Well she hasn’t told me I could tell people, so act like you don’t know when she announces it.”

Liv pulled her into a tight hug, “You guys are going to have a baby!”

“Well not if it doesn’t work. Can you just answer my questions?” Paige groaned, hiding a smile.

“Well, if there’s no success by the sixth round of IUI, I’d think about taking a break for a month or two, then try IVF. But if she has a chemical pregnancy or a miscarriage before 12 weeks, I’d just do IVF.” She paused. “I don’t know when she should quit IVF though. Some people do it for years, some only do three or four cycles because it’s so taxing and expensive. If you guys want to go with someone different, let me know. I got a few connections.”

Paige’s fingers flew across her keyboard, putting everything in her Notes app.

Baby Making 🤰🏽

Day 3-7: 1 pill/day

Day 10-11: go get ultrasound

Day 12: pick up trigger shot. shot at 9pm

Day 14: insem. appt.

Day 15-28: 1 pill 2x/day

Day 28: test early morning

IUI/IVF

No baby by IUI 6  IVF. ½ MONTH BREAK FIRST!

Chem preg ? or miscarriage before 12 wk  IVF

IVF v expensive. Can take years **do research

“You got any ways I can – ” Paige started.

Olivia’s phone went off, “I have a laboring mom, Bueckers. I’ll see you later!” She called, running off towards her patient. “She’s lucky to have you, Paige.”

Paige didn’t respond. She just gave a small smile and left before her heart got too loud.

-----------------------------------

Back at the bakery, Azzi was barefoot in leggings and a cropped tank, wiping flour off her face with the back of her hand. Her curls were a frizzed halo around her head, and she looked beautiful.

She didn’t expect a knock.

She paused, hoping the person would go away.

Another knock sounded. Azzi grunted loudly and walked to the door, her face lighting up when she saw who was there.

“Hi, Katie!” She beamed. She swung the door open, quickly locking it back once it was shut.

Paige’s stepmom pulled the girl into a tight hug. “Hey, baby. Paige told me about the first round not taking. I just wanted to come by, see how you’re doing.”

Tears pricked the corners of Azzi’s eyes, “Yeah, she said a lot of people have to try for a while before they can have a baby.”

“Well, Bob and I tried for a year before I got pregnant with Drew.” She led them to Azzi’s office in the back, sitting on the teal couch.

Azzi nodded into her shoulder. They sat together on the couch, just breathing. “Thank you for coming to check on me, Katie B.”

“Of course, Azzi B. I’ll be here. Whenever you need me, I’ll be here. And you have Paige doing this with you.” Katie reminded.

The younger woman let out a laugh, leaning back. “Oh, I know you have thoughts about that.”

She laughed back, “Well, yeah! I’ve been telling you she loves you forever, Azzi. Maybe you’ll start to see what I’ve been seeing.” She paused, “I’m just happy you’re not doing this alone.”

“I haven’t been alone since they moved next door.” She giggled. “I’m scared though, that this is all going to make me love her more, if that’s even possible.”

Katie was quiet for a bit. “Trying to conceive is known to bring people closer together or rip people apart.”

Azzi swallowed, “So you think it’s going to ruin everything?”

“I wasn’t saying that. I just want you to be careful because it could ruin everything. But it could also be the best thing that happens to you both. You can’t let it drive you two apart.” She explained.

“I won’t let it,” She said, shaking her head. “She’s the most important person in my life.”

Before Katie could say anything else, the front door opened. “Here she comes now,” she smiled.

“Azzi!” A low voice shouted.

A lazy smile stretched across her lips, “I’m in the office! I have another batch of cupcakes to frost before we go home though!”

“Well, I’m gonna get out of your hair. Stop by this weekend, your parents are coming over for dinner on Saturday night.” Katie wrapped her in a tight hug.

The two walked out, Azzi stopping in the prep room, beaming when she sees her best friend.

“Hi Paige! Bye Paige.” Katie called, continuing to the front.

“See you Saturday.” Paige chuckled, following her to the front to lock the door.

Azzi filled the piping bags with six different frosting colors.

“Did you eat today?” Paige asked, unpacking her Chipotle bag.

The brunette thought through her day. “Um, we had those lemon blueberry scones and sausage this morning. But we have this huge wedding order, and Caroline has strep, so I’m still not done.”

A sigh was heard from across the room, “You gotta eat, Az. You know that. And I know you were busy, but if you know it’s going to be a bust day, just tell me. I’ll get something delivered.”

“You’re the best person I know, Paige Bueckers.” Azzi smiled softly. The blonde brought the bowl over to the table Azzi was working at. Azzi looked up from the cupcake she was decorating and was met with a spoonful of rice, corn, and chicken. “Are you just gonna sit here and feed me?” She giggled.

Paige gave her the Azzi smile. “You’re about to be growing a child. My job will be keeping you fed and happy.”

“You always take such good care of me, P. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” Tears welled in big brown eyes.

“We take care of each other, always will.”  She whispered.

They spent the rest of the night talking about any and everything while Azzi finished decorating the cupcakes.

There was a calendar in the passenger seat. “What’s this,” she asked surprised.

“Oh! I made a calendar, so I can let Stewie know when I need to miss for appointments.” Paige replied, nonchalantly.

The entire way home, Azzi replayed her explanation in her head.

She cared enough to make sure she’d be available for every step.

God, I love her so much.

-----------------------------------

The vibes were immaculate in the Bueckers home.

Drew and Kamari were telling a story about what happened when they went out last weekend. Bob and Jon were talking about the new Avengers movie that came out a few weeks ago. Paige, Tim, and Jose were arguing about the best point guard in the league (Kyrie was the only valid answer in Paige’s opinion). Both Katies were talking about who they thought were going to win the conference finals.

Azzi brought out a tray with ramakins filled with personal apple pies.

Everyone dug into their dessert with fervor. Conversations halted, the room filled with sounds of spoons scraping ceramic. Everyone was eating, except for Azzi.

She cleared her throat, but it did nothing to help the lump in it. “So…I’ve been wanting to tell you all something.” She paused, looking at her parents. “I’m going to have a baby. I’m on my second round of IUI to have a baby.”

A beat of silence.

“You’re doing this…alone?” Tim questioned sternly.

Katie’s brows furrowed, “I’ve told you how hard it is. Raising a baby on your own.” Judgement seeped into her tone.

Azzi stiffened, hand wrapping around Paige’s hand tightly. The blonde squeezed back just as hard.

“I think it’s great, Azzi. You’re going to be a great mom.” Bob encouraged, trying to break the tension.

Azzi was tense as she spoke. “It’s something I’ve always wanted. And it’s not like I’m really alone.” She had a wobbly smile. “I have Paige. I have Bob and Katie. And Drew and Mari. And hopefully you guys too.”

“I just don’t want you to regret doing this without thinking it through.” Her mother replied.

Her dad sighed. “This just isn’t the right way to do things, Azzi. We had a plan.”

Bob interjected, “I did things the right way, and I still ended up raising Paige alone until Katie came into the picture. There’s no one right way to build a family.”

“I know that, Bob! I came into the picture. I saw how Katie struggled, and you can’t fault me for not wanting that for my daughter.” Tim exclaimed.

Katie Bueckers interjected, “It’s not like she didn’t think it through, Tim. She made a decision; don’t act like she’s being reckless.”

“We’re just trying to protect her,” Katie responded sharply.

“Why would we support her for making such a stupid choice?” Tim followed.

The room went silent. Tension peaking.

“You say you love her, but all you’re doing is making her feel ashamed. She’s stronger than anyone I know. She’s not doing this on a whim.” She started, tone firm. “She’s doing it with intention, with care, and with more grace than most people twice her age. She doesn’t need your approval. She just wanted your support.”

Azzi’s eyes were misty, breath shallow.

“If we wanted your input, we would’ve asked, Paige.” Katie said, sternly. “Azzi,” her voice softened. “We just want you to think this through. Come home with us tonight, and we can talk it all through.”

Paige stood quickly, hand still linked with Azzi. “Nah, we’re not doing this shit.” She spun and nodded to the door, “Let’s go, Az.”

Katie and Bob scrambled to follow them to the front door.

“I’m sorry that didn’t go as well as you hoped, Azzi.” Bob hugged her tightly.

“We’ll be here if you need anything,” Katie finished. “Let us know when you make it safely.”

They were ten minutes into the trip when Azzi spoke again. “Thank you, P.”

“Always.”

-----------------------------------

The next few days pass in a blur.

The four-tier wedding cake and six dozen cupcakes were transported to the massive wedding with no mistake.

Azzi continued to take her Letrozole every morning, and it was wrecking her.

She’d gone two days with a constant headache. She was eating four times a day, drinking a gallon of water, and sleeping seven hours every night. So it was definitely the medicine. And ibuprofen wasn’t helping.

And on day seven, she was having terrible heat flashes. Azzi hated being hot. Everyone, except a blonde firefighter, avoided her that day.

Even Paige was a little wary with her. Azzi’s mood swings were…something. She cried when Paige forgot her pita chips with her Cava order. She got angry with her when she dropped her off to the bakery five minutes later than normal. This that happened often set her off, but she was aware of it. She cried at least once a day apologizing to anyone she felt she was mean to.

One of Paige’s off days fell on a Sunday, which meant she was able to spend the entire day with Azzi.

Ice and KK hugged and thanked her when she walked it.

“She’s been mean all week. She even yelled at KK!” Ice whisper yelled.

The mentioned girl looked at Paige with a pout. “All I did was tell her we needed more raspberry filling for the cupcakes I was doing.”

Paige chuckled quietly, not wanting to set her best friend off, “Alright, alright. I’ll handle it.”

She walked back to the kitchen, continuing through to the prep room when she didn’t see a curly ponytail.

“Hi, Princess.” She smiled, eyes widening a bit when she saw the glare on her face. “What’s up, Az?”

Her face scrunched in frustration, “I forgot the baking soda in one of the muffin batters and now this fucking frosting is either too light or too dark, and I can’t start making this smash cake until the colors are perfect.” She huffed, “And now, I have you in my face asking me what’s wrong.”

Paige’s brows shot up at the last part of her rant, but before she could say anything, Azzi was speaking again.

“Wait, I’m sorry Paige. I didn’t mean that, I promise.” She said, eyes wet now.

The blonde came up behind the brunette. She felt the tension melt a bit when she wrapped her arms around her toned waist. “It’s okay,” She pecked the side of her head. “Why don’t we let Caroline dye the buttercream while you take a break.”

“I really need to finish this though.” She whined.

Paige smirked, “I brought ice cream.”

“CAROLINE!” Azzi shouted, “Please come dye this frosting. I can’t get it to the right color.” She dragged Paige to her office, not even waiting for her coworker to reply.

A pint of cookie dough was plopped on the coffee table in front of the couch, and Azzi got heart eyes instantly.

“You’re so good to me,” Her eyes were wet with tears again.

Paige couldn’t control her laughter this time, “You don’t have to cry, Az. I promised you I’d be here.”

“God, I didn’t have mood swings like this last month.” She smiled around the spoon. “Maybe that means it’ll work this time.”

The older woman set next to her on the sofa, “You’re doing an amazing job with all of this, Azzi. Just relax.” She pulled tanned legs onto her lap and massaged the soreness out of them. “I’m so proud of you.”

Paige’s fingers kneaded the soreness from her calves, but Azzi barely registered the relief over the heat that pooled in her chest every time Paige’s touch lingered just a second too long.

“No, I’m proud of you. You’ve been on Squad for three months now. How’s it been?” She murmured.

Paige knew Azzi was about to take a nap. Her words slurred a bit, so she decided to talk until the girl was finally resting.

-----------------------------------

The morning of the ultrasound, Paige was in a terrible mood. She was extremely sore due to debris falling on her back during a rescue call the day before. Her entire back felt like it was locked up and was covered in one big bruise. Because of the pain, she wasn’t able to sleep well at all. There was nothing that ruined her mood more than a night of shitty sleep.

She went to get a massive coffee before going to Azzi’s to pick her up.

The younger woman clocked the coffee before either of them could say anything. “Bad night?” She asked softly.

Paige sighed with a small smile – of course Azzi would notice that right away. “Yeah. There’s a big ass bruise on my back. Couldn’t get comfortable enough to stay sleep.”

“Poor baby,” Azzi pouted, rubbing the blonde’s arm. “I made you breakfast! Maybe that’ll cheer you up.”

She gave her best friend a plate with two cinnamon crunch bagels, four slices of bacon, and fruit salad.

“I’m not even gonna make you eat the fruit. And when we get back from the appointment, I’m gonna make you an ice bath.”

“I hate ice baths. You already know that.” Paige whined.

Azzi giggled, “Yeah, but you know it’s going to help with your pain, so we’re doing it.”

She moved around the kitchen, wiping everything down, just waiting for Paige to be ready to go.

Their trip to the clinic was quick. Azzi was a little nervous, but not too bad. She really wanted it to work this time, but she tried to keep Katie’s voice in the back of her mind. It could take months to get pregnant, and it didn’t mean anything about her or her body if it didn’t take this month.

Paige held her hand through the discomfort of the ultrasound.

“I’m seeing two mature follicles, and your lining looks very good.” Dr. Caldwell seemed impressed.

The blonde leaned over, kissing her best friend on the forehead. And Azzi released a deep sigh. There was a chance, a good chance this month.

As they walked to the car, all of Paige’s tension evaporated. “It looks like a good cycle, Az.” She was beaming.

“Let’s hope it’s good enough this time.” She whispered back.

Later that night, they were back in Azzi’s kitchen, this time for the trigger shot.

Paige kissed her abdomen before wiping the area with another cold wipe. She was so focused that she didn’t even notice Azzi’s thighs squeezing together a little.

She distracted Azzi with firehouse gossip about how Rickea was messing around with James from C shift. Flau and Ant printed pictures of him and covered the fridge with them.

“OW!” Azzi winced. The shot hurt more this time because she wasn’t preparing herself for the pain.

“I’m sorry, baby.” Paige muttered, planting another kiss on her belly. She said another prayer today. “God, please let this baby stick. Let Azzi be a mommy.”

Tanned hands ran through Paige’s head as she knelt in front of her. “When are you going to settle down, Paigey? You’re going to be the perfect wife. An amazing mom.”

In retrospect, she shouldn’t have said anything because the heated gaze she received in response sent warmth straight to her core.

“Yeah? You think so, Az?” Her voice was lower, raspier.

Azzi just nodded, breath caught in her throat.

Yeah, she was completely fucked.

-----------------------------------

The insemination came and went.

Azzi was silent during the procedure again, and just like before, Paige filled the silence with gentle words.

On the way home, Azzi finally spoke again. “I wish I could just know now. You know? I hate the waiting.”

“I wish I could just do it for you. I don’t like that I can’t help.” Paige replied.

Azzi grabbed the hand resting on the console. “You’re here, Paige. That’s more than enough.”

Azzi threw herself into work. She filled tons of end of summer and back to school cookie and cupcake orders. Paige brought lunch most days, reminding her that she needed to eat, so she could support a baby.

She waited for Paige to take the test this time.

The blonde sat on the bed, while Azzi washed her hands.

“You good in there?”

“Not really. I’m nervous.”

“Can I come in?”

“Yes.”

They sat shoulder to shoulder as they waited for the timer to expire, except no one moved when the timer went off.

“You want me to look?”

“Please.”

Paige stood slowly, hands shaking as she reached for the test. It was like it was all happening in slow motion. Azzi watched as the test turned over. Paige’s jaw clenched before her head dropped.

“I’m sorry.”

Azzi didn’t cry. Not at first. She just got up, walked to the living room, and sat in front of the tv.

She didn’t let Paige see the breakdown. She didn’t let her see her cry during season seven of Grey’s Anatomy. Cry through Derek and Meredith’s struggles with getting pregnant.

Until two nights later. The bakery had been closed for four hours, but Azzi was still in the back prepping dough for the next morning.

“Azzi?” Paige called out, but Azzi didn’t hear her. “I’ve been waiting at the house for two hours. What are you still doing here?”

She couldn’t hear her. Couldn’t give an answer. She just hunched over the counter, tears falling into the dough she was kneading.

Brown eyes shot up, wide and scared, when Paige finally touched her.

“What are you doing here?” Azzi asked, breathless.

Brown brows furrowed. “You weren’t home. It’s nine, Azzi. I got worried.” She pulled her best friend into her arms.

And she finally broke.

Heart wrenching sobs flowed from her mouth like a river.

“I just,” She wept. “I thought it was gonna work this time. Everything looked so good.” She said between gasps. “It’s so hard, Paige.”

Tears welled in blue eyes. “I know, Azzi. But you’re doing so good. You’re doing everything to get your baby. And I promise you; you’re going to get that baby. And when you do, you’ll see that it was all worth it.”

-----------------------------------

And Paige was right.

Because the next cycle, Azzi’s hands shook as she held a pregnancy test.

Two lines.

She did it.

She was going to have a baby.

[fiamat12]

Re: Decoy strategy / Social media plants

Part 1 - "The Sheffield files"

If you're been following along on my blog long enough, you know I believe L has some forced obligations w/ A that make it so that N has had to use JD as a decoy. With the help of @jmuz09, we did a deep dive into the Sheffield files to demonstrate how a well planned strategy - by actors, no less - can be executed.

#1 The premise: I don't believe N was in Sheffield nearly as much as was assumed... and I repeat, assumed - because the only time there was likely a real time photo was the preview night. The other times, all we got was other people saying they saw N - never N herself posting she was there. Imo, she & Luke (and baba) could've gone to Sheffield for a long weekend on preview week, for example and taken all the pics needed to dole out over several weeks.

#2 The LEGIT vs. SUS. Below are the alleged sightings in Sheffield.

• March 1 - LEGIT. Preview night. N was captured in the Crucible theater in her pink sweater on March 1st. She was spotted taking pictures w/ several fans so it's likely legit that she was there. ⏬️

•March 3 - SUS. A fan posts a pic of her & N at a train station. N's hair is clearly longer (likely w/ extensions) than her current hair. The user has very few posts - none of BTON - and tagged Nottingham not Nicola. ⏬️

•March 11- SUS. A Sheffield "Mum on a mission" posts a sneaky pic of N & JD's Mom eating at a local restaurant allegedly on opening night of JD's play. She doesn't seem to be a Bridgy fan (never posted about BTON prior), didn't see JD's play and posted an extra pic advertising how N went to support JD. Sure, Jan. ⏬️

•March 15-17- SUS. Becky B. (BB) posts an alleged reservation for an Airbnb in Sheffield. Interesting that the response time of the host is listed, which usually only occurs when you haven't booked yet. Knowing how N feels about outing celebs in real time, it's doubtful BB would post the actual date/ location. There's nothing to suggest the pics of the gang are actually from that weekend nor the one pic. of N w/them (which was posted weeks later). ⏬️

•March 29- SUS. A fan on X posts a pic of her & N allegedly on closing night of JD's play. Interesting that she started her account in Feb. 2025. She seems to have been to see JD's play several times. She never got a photo of her, JD & N together but she definitely got alot of traffic to her page. ⏬️

#3- Why are these sm plants needed? Primarily for L to pretend he's w/ A to give her publicity per their contract (A's sm post on the 6th, pap pics on the 18th, Yungblud on the 21st, etc.) - which means N needs to appear single/ dating JD or hanging out w/ her friends (choose your own adventure). There have also been times Lukola may have needed to move around w/BN discreetly - doctor's appts. (March 15-17 was around 6-week check-up time), Christening, Mother's Day (March 30), family visits, etc.

#4 - The planned strategy. This could be planned out well in advance w/ their PR teams, esp. if they know how long the contract between L & A lasts. PR teams can reach out to fans for a collab and ask to not release a photo until a certain date. Our Lukola guru ChatGPT reveals more strategies than we ever wanted to know. Thank you again to @lukolabrainrot for chipping in w/ the search. ⏬️

Lastly, and imo, don't waste your time trying to follow the decoy path - it's futile and confusing. (That goes for the alleged sighting in Galway today). WAIT FOR MORE INFORMATION, go back and analyze if you really need to know (!) or just sit back, relax and when you see an adjacent know what it is and move on w/ your day. All in time, time will reveal when the contract is up and Lukola can safely launch ‼️🙏✌️🫶

[woodlandwizard77]

A Step by Step Guide to Losing Your D**k

I recently wrote a series of messages to my aunt talking about all the steps I need to do to get bottom surgery, a penile inversion vaginoplasty at Mt. Sinai, in the next year or two. Its a long list. And everytime I added something she had a sort of “wow thats rough” reaction, but to me its just the to do list. So I decided to write them all out.

Start transition DONE

Most insurance companies and surgeons require you to have socially transitioned and have done HRT for at least 1 year at the time of operation

For social transition, this was March of 2024

For HRT it will be January of 2025

Get a referral to a surgeon (I am here)

In my case, Mt. Sinai in Manhattan

My Doctor referred me, but Mt. Sinai takes self referrals

Start laser hair removal

Book a consultation (I am here)

Go to laser frequently enough to satisfy surgeon

Convince Mom and Dad to help out DONE

Get 2 letters

Social Worker (1)

PCP's Office

Social Worker (2)

Mt. Sinai

Consultation with Mt. Sinai’s team

Wait 3-6 months (I’m here)

Bring letters

My insurance only requires 2, less than Mt. Sinai thinks insurance will need, and Mt. Sinai provides 1 of them. Meaning the other is through IHS Behavioral

Schedule Social Work pre surgical consult appt

Schedule Mental Health and Medical Clearance with Registrar

Go to NYC for 1-2 nights, maybe for each, hopefully just once

Maybe also for Social Work thing

Consult with Surgeon

Wait until I’ve worked about 12 months to get short term disability

Probably summer (ASAP) and when Mom has time off

Do logistics

Book an airbnb, hotel, etc for recovery

Starting a few days after OR date and lasting a little over a month

Within a 90 minute drive of Mt. Sinai

Rural enough that Mom is comfortable to help and can go home if someone else shows up

Probably New Jersey, maybe Hudson Valley

Has at least 1, preferably 2, separate bedrooms

Has 2 beds

Has ADA accessible entry

Has a kitchen

Has a full bath, preferably and a half

Has internet and preferably a TV

Lodging for Mom + Dad/care team while I’m in OR

Probably 5-7 days

Preferably with a 1-2 day buffer period before OR date (included in the 7 day estimate) so I can enjoy the city

Either within a short walk from Mt. Sinai or on the same subway line as Mt. Sinai

RW, 1, or ACE

Someone to help me get from recovery location to Mt. Sinai while not in NYC

Develop and get list of items needed for recovery

Dilator

Pads

Gowns/loose clothing

Comfort food

Coordinate missing 8-9 weeks of work

Take care with who knows what before I leave

Inform HR, department manager, and work friends whats up

Get cleared for surgery and get an OR date

Probably a 6-12 month date from clearance

Get pre clearance testing through PCP or a lab in hometown

Go to NYC for that if need be

Week Before Surgery

No alcohol, no aspirin, NSAIDs, herbal supplements, or fish oil

Consult for other non aspirin blood thinners (which I am not on)

No alcohol for 3 weeks after as well

Tylenol/Acetaminophen is okay

Go downstate

See friends from NYC?

Bring Mom/Dad?

Do something fun in Manhattan

Get a COVID test

Take an anti-bacterial bath

Day before surgery

Breakfast before 9am

Last meal

Drink Golytely bowel solution around noon

Chemically induced diarrhea

Clear fluids only after golytely

(includes coffee, tea, water, broth, some juices)

Nothing goes in the stomach after midnight

Some medication okay with a sip of water

HRT??? (switched to injections)

Get surgery (a penile inversion vaginoplasty)

1 to 1+½ days

I’ve heard of as long as three

3-5 day hospital stay

Mom and Dad probably stay in Manhattan then

Go to recovery location

Drive with seat reclined

Stay for 4 weeks, pretty much bedridden

Go to follow ups

Dilate

Go home

Continue recovery for another 2-4 weeks at home

Follow up with PCP

Return to life

[greenhouse-studies]

Day 83 • 100 Days of Productivity

bio lab today! we did cladograms and i got 3 points extra credit for solving a really complex one. i was there from 10:30 to 1:30 and im tired lol. i went to a local bagel place for breakfast and got a nummy asiago sandwich. now im hoping to finish up most of the work i have to do for the rest of the week because ive got to drive an hour to a doctors appt on friday and that will take all of my time from 11:30am to 3pm and i have personal training from 9am to 9:45am, so if i can get most of my shit done i don’t have to worry about squeezing it in on friday evening.

🎶 dead on arrival - fall out boy 🎶

[motherish]

4/6/25. An eventful yet very smooth day. 🍏

🪐I had to be up at 4am. The day before I had to work till 8pm. 🫠 So as SOON as I clocked out I zoomed home to sleep. No time to linger on my phone or anything just sleep as much as I can because tomorrow is the big day.

🍒 Pepper is finally getting her hyperthyroidism under control. More like eradicated lol! For years and years it’s just been expensive medicine to help alleviate the problem, but it didn’t SOLVE the problem. The only way to make it go away was to go through this radioactive surgery. Something they do not perform in Vegas. 🥲 So we had to drive out to LA at 4am to make it in time for her doctors appt at 9am where they would perform the surgery and keep Pepper for a week.

🖍️ A week without Pepper. 🏚️ Without her meows and stepping all over my chest and plopping right on my face. I’ve been thinking about this trip since it was scheduled and every time it makes me emotional.

🫀 We were given some medicine to make her woozy/sleepy for the 4hr car ride and that cat LOLLL she did very well! But never really knocked out? Just sat in the carrier and looked around and occasionally said a word or two? She looked so out of it which made her face look sillier than it already is lol but Pepper did so so well!!! 1000/10 I was nervous she would have an accident or still be stressed out but nope! Cool as a cucumber she did wonderfully. 😌

🥝 We got there and they walked us through what would happen with Pepper and how we would have to handle her once we get her back in a week and then had us sign this “if your cat dies” waiver. Which. Hard to really read it cause my eyes immediately got teary. I can’t live without that fuckin cat.

🫕 Said goodbyes and ugh. Yeah just typing this is making me emotional all over again. I know this will help her. I know she needs this. I know it. But it doesn’t make this process any easier. I wish you could tell your pets what’s up. That you’ll be right back and “it won’t be long til you’re home again.” I left the vet with a piece of me missing. 🕳️

🛼 We booked a hotel because no way could we make the drive back operating on little to no sleep. Not to mention, I had to get ready for a concert later! 🍻 Yes! A concert! And I was basically running off fumes. 🫠Once I saw the coffee shop around the corner from our hotel I knew exactly where I needed to be! 👁️ I really enjoyed the short walk by myself down there. Tbh, I wish the walk could have been longer. The weather was wonderful. Just the right amount of sun. Quiet. The whole way I thought “I’m supposed to be at work right now, but I’m here.” 😌 And I couldn’t help but smile to myself. My cat is going to get help, and I get to not be at work, enjoying a banana latte. ☕️

🐝 I had a few hours before I needed to get ready for the concert but I just couldn’t sleep. 🥹 Nerves REALLY on edge. Just thinking about Pepper. I jokingly made a comment about how Pepper must be PISSED cause we drugged her, drove her somewhere she’s never been before, and left! lol! We are gonna get an earful from her when we see her again! 😅

🎷Lately, I have been listening to an insane amount of jazz. It’s the only thing I can really handle right now. Jazz and Imogene Heap/Frou Frou. The album “Details” has saved my life since I was a fuckin teen. Like I cannot stress enough how much that album has saved me and continues to do so. 🌿 Ok I’m going on a tangent lol anyway! I listened to a mixture of that as I got ready.

🪺 Before the concert we visited THE CUTEST DOG IN THE WORLDDDD I LOVE HER! Look at her! 🥰 She had the ZOOMIES kept running around everywhere and licking me and then running again and you guys. I’m not a dog person. I do like them! But I prefer cats. This dog? Yeah give me this dog. I need her I love her!!! I truly do! I think about her all the time now..

🔆 Now we’re off!! We scheduled her appt around the concert because 1). Can’t afford to take off work twice to drive down there and 2). We felt it would be a necessary distraction, given the circumstances.

My god. We were right.

HOBIIIIII!!!! ‼️ok ok I always say that I don’t play favorites when it comes to the members, but if I HAD to choose? J-Hope. ❤️‍🔥 I love him with all my heart he just makes me happy when I look at him and this time was no different. The show started and as soon as he came out I was dancing n smiling n singing and getting emotional once more cause I thought about Pepper LOL 🕺 and then getting emotional CAUSE I LOVE YOU J HOPPPEE!! Stunning. He looked so expensive. 💎 Every song a hit he even played some older ones and I swear I did a damn aerobics work out in place because I was MOVING!!! 👯‍♀️ What a fantastic performer. Some people were just born to do something and I feel as if he truly found his calling in life because wow. WOW! I was so blown away by how he just.. kept going. He would n dance and flip himself around and then with the COOLEST N CALMEST VOICE say “you ready? 😎” Like ?? How. I mean i know it’s because he’s good at what he does and has crazy stamina but MANNN I would be breathing so hard I’d damn near pass out LOL I just really really admire how he’s found something he’s good at and has really honed that skill. What a talented individual. 💗 And so stunning. I turned to the loml and said “he’s beautiful” a good 99 times throughout the concert. I love his smile.

🧸 After the concert, we enjoyed a 20min walk back to the car where we gushed about how wonderful of a show that was. Truly. Best concert I’ve ever been to and I’m not even exaggerating. It started at 8pm and he wasn’t saying his goodbyes to us until like 11!? Over the moon I could’ve been there all night! 🎊

🖼️ We got back to the hotel and ate the food we bought from H Mart for dinner lol. Nothing ever stays open late in LA smh 😒 and the things that DO stay open late (fast food) are things I don’t wanna eat! So I had the bright idea of going to H Mart before the concert so we could actually have something decent to eat afterwards! 🤓☝️ Also H Mart is next to Young Dong Tofu aka some of the best soondubu I’ve ever had in my life PLEASE visit if you’re ever in town! 🍲We ate our H-Mart food and watched Golden Girls before turning in. 🛌 Another long day ahead of us tomorrow. 💤

🧩 Overall, the trip was amazingly easy and smooth. 🤸 Getting Pepper to LA went surprisingly well. The hotel was super nice it even came with a small kitchen! And a walk away from a good coffee place. Got to see the cutest dog ever. We literally waltzed right into the venue for J-Hope there was no line for me to have to get into. Just kept walking and we scanned our tickets and that was basically it! And I got to pick up a Hobi Picket at the merch booth after the concert! NO LINE! Even finding parking and leaving went crazy smooth. Also everything was like.. a 10min drive away? We didn’t have to go out of our way for anything! It was great. 🧘‍♀️

🕯️ Not to mention, when we woke up at 4am once more to make it back to Vegas (I still had to go to work later that day.. rip) we made it back in town with just enough time for me to pick up my FAV Vietnamese coffee before heading home for me to get ready!? 🎠 And I didn’t even have to haul ass to GET ready for work like I had time left over before leaving! I kept reiterating how shocked I was by how smooth everything went. I couldn’t have asked for a more steady and relaxing trip. 🏖️

🎡 Oh! And since this post is coming to you a bit late, I got word on Pepper!! The surgery went well and she will be available for us to pick her up on Monday! 🪁CRIES! I’ll have to once again lose sleep and ACTUALLY haul ass to work this time but it’s gonna be so worth it!! 🏄‍♀️ I can’t wait to hear all her complaints!! I know she’s got plenty for me!

[adventuresasmrsfindley]

Let me elaborate while I disassociate over my lunch break.

Knox has been sick for a week. His cough is getting increasingly worse. I tried to get him into the doctor yesterday since he doesn't have school on Mondays but I called too late and all the sick appts were already taken. He was up and down all night last night. I barely slept. I had to be in the office today but I didn't feel right sending him to school. My MIL had told me last week if I needed help she'd be happy to come down so even though it's hard for me to ask for help I panic texted her at midnight and she was still up. I asked her to come down this morning but she insisted on leaving right then. I tried twice to convince her to wait til morning but she said she was wide awake. She lives about 1.5 hours away so as soon as she said she had left I couldn't sleep because I wanted to make sure she made it. Which she finally did around 2 AM. But even then I couldn't sleep.

Then this morning my husband snaps at me about his mom driving through the night. I'm like take it up with her, dude. That 100% is not what I asked her to do. Thankfully he apologized later (as he should!!!!) but that just made my already shitty morning more shitty.

Then when Knox woke up he freaked out when I told him grandma was going to take him to the doc and hang out with him today. He wanted me to take him. And that sucks!!!! My kid doesn't feel well and wants me and I feel like I don't have a choice but to prioritize the work commitment I already had. Like I know I take that on myself to an extent because my boss would have understood if I told her I couldn't make it in. But I'm trying to climb the ladder, man. And it's just all hard. We are supposed to work like we aren't parents and parent like we don't work and it feels like a losing battle.

I finally got Knox calmed down and they headed to the doctor and I headed to the office and all is fine. Well not really fine. Im freaking exhausted lol but everyone got where they needed to go.

Of course it's just viral crud so the doctor couldn't give him anything and she said this stuff is lasting 10 DAYS so keep him home at least today and tomorrow with lots of fluids and rest. Go back if he spikes a fever. Which luckily he hasn't had since day 1 which was 6 days ago. I hope we are close to him turning a corner. Luckily I don't have to be in the office tomorrow so my MIL can go back home and he can be with me.

I cannot wait to go to bed tonight.

[mikelogan]

personal medical/weight-related bs below the cut

so late last year, my rheum referred me to weight management -- her suggestion, but i agreed -- and after having to reschedule my original appt because i was sick, i just saw him on tuesday and the appt was not at all what i was expecting (neutral).

as a background, i am currently the heaviest i've ever been (close to 280lbs) and it's def affecting how i feel and move and my weight has been creeping up and up over the last couple years, especially since 1) no longer working and 2) moving back in with my parents.

in the past, i've struggled tremendously with self-image when it comes to my weight. i carry my weight mostly in my belly and face and while those are still two areas that i don't love, i've come SO far compared to how i used to think about and view my body. do i wish i were thinner? yes, i still do. i have no desire to be "skinny," like i would genuinely be so happy to be below 200. i don't want to be a size 2 or anything like that. losing 75-100 lbs would be my ideal goal.

my lowest weight as an adult (at least that i can remember) what around the 180-190 range and that was when i was running a shoe department and putting on around 17k steps per day. but in the ten years since then, i have been diagnosed with a shit load of chronic illnesses and have become disabled (though i'm still waiting on the fucking government to approve my case) and between chronic pain, fatigue, and arfid-related dietary issues, i feel so incredibly stuck.

i was half-expecting to get put on some ozempic-type shit, but instead, the doctor asked me a lot of questions (and actually listened to my answers!!!), looked at my other health conditions, and basically the whole picture, and said flat-out that he would recommend bariatric surgery.

i have state insurance and to my utter fucking shock, at least in my state (wisconsin), weight loss medication is NOT covered, but bariatric surgery is. he does want to up my metformin (pcos) and said that will potentially help me lose around 10lbs, but even with diet and exercise, i'd probably lose a total of 20lbs. he said for the best results, both short- and long-term, surgery is the way to go.

i have a consultation with the bariatric surgeon in a week and i'm not entirely sure how to feel. first, the human body and anything medical scares the shit out of me and i have my fair share of medical trauma as well as GAD and panic disorder. because nothing is decided or set in stone, i'm not so much anxious as i am cautiously... curious? i guess? optimistic to a point, intrigued, but have tons of questions. i did verify with insurance that gastric bypass is covered 100% and the surgeon and hospital are covered and in-network and have been writing down questions for my upcoming appointment, but i just have so many different feelings.

i know there are MANY people much heavier than me, but i think it's hitting me that i am as big as i currently am and every time i see a picture of me that isn't my specific go-to selfie angle, i'm filled with self-loathing and a realization that i really am a lot bigger than i view myself. and i hate feeling that way because i dare you to find someone more body-positive than me when it comes to fat people. i fuckin love fat people. and i don't mean that in a fetish-y way lmao, like i'm clearly fat myself (and am v much attracted to heavier people/don't factor weight into my attraction of a person).

like ultimately, if this is a route i choose to go, it'll be for me and because i want to feel better and i know it would help some of my other health conditions and at least make moving easier, but it also feels like... a betrayal in some ways? like i do NOT believe that obesity automatically equals unhealthiness. most, if not all, of my own health problems have nothing to do with my weight. i don't have fibro and psoriatic arthritis and pcos because i'm fat. i would still have them if i was stick-thin. i don't buy into diet culture and all that shit. but i want to feel good and not hate what i see when i look in the mirror.

idk we'll see what happens when i meet with the surgeon (and both my parents are coming too -- both of whom are also overweight and have almost always been [i won the genetic lottery y'all]) and see what she has to say and what the answers to my questions are but like i said, cautiously optimistic for now but also pretty conflicted.

if you actually read this, kudos to you bc a bitch do be rambling, but i am open to hearing about others' experiences with bariatric surgery. i'm not looking for unsolicited medical advice, but am def willing to talk about it if you have personal experience with it!

[infertilitysuccs]

Okay SO went to my appt, my urine test results were good, and the ultrasound showed I had a nice fat follicle for ovulation. Just to be sure the doctor gave me a shot to induce ovulation within the next 24 hours and then progesterone to take once a day for a week starting two days from now.

Let's pray I'm able to conceive!!!

If not it'll be back to square 1 in mid-April...

[symphonicsoul]

Guys Bust style commissions are open for now. I have very limited slots so I have time to work on them and I don't overwhelm myself before I accept more.

I only take commissions through artistree and

you can find the link to do so here

I am not offering anything other than bust commission right now and I am only offering 1 character because I am thinking about speed. Please be patient with me I'm doing what I can to replace some of the money I'm losing from being off work. I'm still off and they're making me stay off for a whole 'nother week because of the mess that happened today.

My workman's comp claim got denied and they didn't tell me until monday (HR did, workman's comp hasn't contacted me since) and the doctor I was supposed to see tomorrow was my workman's comp doctor who took me off work in the first place. (Due to this concussion business)

So since workman's comp got denied

(because I didnt sign papers to release medical records but i havent gotten any papers from them in the mail? And apparently it was denied the same day workman's comp called and said they were mailing things for me to sign)

that means tomorrow's appt got canceled and my referrals for PT for my neck got lost and never acted on. So I have to see my personal doctor now but the one i used to see at my office is gone now so a new one and i cant see him until next Weds but work refuses to let me come in unless a doctor releases me.

SO that's where commissions come in.

I have money in savings, so i'm not dying but I also have bills to pay and car insurance coming out and I want to make sure that things dont go to hell BEFORE I get back to work. This also means I'm paying for all my medical appointments because of this concussion and possibly PT now because workman's comp fucked me over. So I need to make some money and work won't let me work. So here we are.

(FMLA is in progress; we'll see how that goes)

So for now I am offering bust commissions to you and I will doodle for you. I just ask if you have OCs please give me visual reference to work from. Thank you.

[write-feel-live-love]

Wednesday Wellness #1

Self-Esteem Edition...

So I bought this self-esteem work book in hopes it would help me feel better about myself. In it, it suggests journaling. My therapist agrees. I'm at the part where it suggests I review my day every night using basic questions. My therapist agrees. SO here goes...

If you could rate your day on a scale of one to ten (one being unhappy and ten being extremely happy), how would you rate it? 6/7

Briefly describe your day, what happened to make it a happy/ unhappy one? Include even the mundane stuff (you never know, there might be some hidden joy lurking in cleaning the toilet!). Woke up, got ready in peace (that was nice). Cuddles with hubby. Got my daughter up. Got my son ready. Went downstairs to make breakfast for us all. Didn't do my morning chores, because we had to get to an early doc appt for my son. Found parking easy. Checked in. Got in relatively on time. Children went crazy in the doctors office. Daughter threw a fit because I told her to get off the doctor's chair. Went to library for story time. Chasing both kids around. Story time. Home. Lunch. Nap. I played Sims 4 (working on creating a new save file). Kids got up. Made dinner. Husband took daughter to store so I had the boy child. Called my parents once they got back. Bath time for wee one with young Frankenstein musical on in the background. Got 15 minutes of alone time. Read to child. I've been searching for a way to find Big Brother online to watch it so I can engage with co-workers. Failed.

Try to keep some notes in a diary or journal every day for a week. Using your notes, try to identify any patterns. What were you doing on the days that you felt at your best? What didn't make you feel good? I'm pretty good at detecting patterns in my own behavior. I definitely get thrown off when my routine is off (like when I can't get my chores done in the morning). I get really overwhelmed by noise, so the kids being crazy at the doctor's office while I'm trying to listen and answer questions is frustrating. My daughter is in a rough time for listening right now, and that's hard to deal with. (I'm a teacher, I get triggered when I have to repeat myself or go through extra lengths to get attention.) My daughter is also insanely whiney lately and that's driving me nuts. I'm really dysregulated, so she's dysregulated. (Side note....dysregulated? disregulated? autocorrect might be wrong this time...)

What makes you feel amazing? When do you feel most like yourself? When do you laugh most? When do you feel peaceful? Shit man, get deep. Okay. I feel amazing when everything goes according to plan. I can follow my routines with relative ease and minimal disruptions. I feel amazing when my kids are happy and content (within reason). I feel like myself I've accomplished things on my to do list and feel successful in my day going the way I wanted it to go. I laugh when I'm relaxed enough to enjoy my kids being kids or when I'm out with friends. I feel peaceful when my kids are asleep or gone and I have time to myself.

How could you do more of these things? Can you do one of them every day? I get daily time to myself. My husband is amazing and sees me. He often offers to take one or both kids on quick trips at night so I can have time, or even just letting me go upstairs while he takes care of them. I get alone time. I'm making an effort to out with friends more, but my friends are teachers too and it makes it hard to get together when they're fitting in vacations and family time. I try really hard to follow my routines. I very much am working on accomplishing my routines and staying on track. I think a big piece of my issue this week has been sleep. I was up too late Sunday and Monday night. Last night I don't think I slept well. That always plays a big role in my ability to function. I'm going to work on making sure I'm getting enough sleep and peaceful routines in the morning.

Well, that wasn't too bad. This might be my routine for a few Wednesdays, but overall this seems easy. Might move on to different prompts. We'll find out.

Thanks for listening Void. You always make me feel heard.

[mephestopheles]

People who don't regularly take public transit, do not understand the inherent difficulty of even a robust system. And the system I deal with daily is far from robust. While technically I live in the same overall municipality, I live in one hub, work in another and am now required to go to a doctor's appointment in yet another.

I rely on the transit system and use buses daily. I actually enjoy my commute to and from work because it gives me an opportunity to unwind on the bus before getting home. I get to settle out from the day.

It is also frustrating at times. Like Thursday. I had to request time off for the appointment, and if I wasn't reliant on transit, I probably could have gotten away with using maybe 4 hours ish, or blocking out 4 hours and then adjusting the time I actually used.

However, because of the transit system here is abysmal at the best of times, it's been getting steadily worse for a while.

I had to leave twenty minutes earlier than I usually do for work, so I could grab the 8am going the opposite direction from work. That bus will take an hour. I'd arrive a half hour early for my appointment, still have to walk to get there and I was hoping to have time to get a coffee or tea prior to my appointment. If all goes well the appt is 2 hours long, I would get the next available bus back to town, and then a transfer and get to work. So if you're keeping track that's leave an hour and 40 minutes before the appointment, to arrive a half hour early. Appt time between 90 minutes and 2 hours. Wait for the next bus (at least 1/2 hours wait) get to town an hour later. Transfer to another bus and get to work an hour after that. Which means at the earliest I'm getting back to work at 2 pm to go home at 4pm. Rather than spend the extra hour in transit, I might as well take the day off instead.

That's the good result, the expected result.

Instead I arrived at the bus hub, to an overcrowded stop for that bus line, they couldn't take everyone and there were way too many waiting around for the next bus as well. Usually there are anywhere between three and four buses heading at least partially in that direction. The express college bus, two buses going to one town and one going to another nearby. Problem is, they're having a driver shortage as a result of sick calls, increased covid, the rise for RSV and how that is knocking the shit out of everyone (I recently got over my own chest infection just in the last week), they're also dealing with maintenance, buses breaking and several of them that need inspection or can't pass inspection without several fixes.

So there I am, faced with a dilemma, I can reschedule my appointment and go to work (not really an option because I've waited months for this appointment and I promised mom some help after the fact), I could try to get the next bus coming but that looked so full I don't think they were taking anymore, or get a cab. I called for a cab at 8:08 and it finally arrived at 8:58. It was freezing outside and it really sucked.

I wasn't the only one waiting, it's a shit time to get cabs, because there are a bunch that do school runs, and even more than do the mail run. And one guy who usually gets the bus with me going my usual route was waiting for a cab to go to work because he missed our usual bus.

What's really bothering me about this is that I'm still luckier than most. I have a monthly bus pass that is relatively easy for me to afford, I have time I was able to take off work. I don't pay for my healthcare out of pocket. And still this was frustrating and time consuming and it puts me steps behind my coworkers and peers because I am reliant on either transit or generosity for transportation.

It's really shitty being unable to get a bus with the pass I've already paid for, because the city cannot or will not run the transit system properly. I'm out both time and money. If I was going to take the taxi, I could have waited at home and just called one at a somewhat reasonable time and been warm, not frigid because I didn't switch to better mitts.

The trip home was better, the bus is not nearly as full dropping off, and I managed to get to the appropriate stop in enough time. I grabbed a transfer and stopped off at mom's and gave her a hand with garbage because she's been sick as well last week.

Overall it wasn't terrible for the rest of the day, but a slightly shitty start. So yeah if you're not used to public transit, or have friends that rely on it, cut them some slack.

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

My entire family line has this issue lol, there have been nights that see me, my mom, AND my grandma all awake together at 2am and watching a show over cheese and dried meats and some fruit. For all three of our lifetimes, NOTHING has ever been effective for a single one of us in managing this.

My grandma ended up being self-employed or a stay at home wife/mother her whole life. She also repeatedly ran off to Mexico, leaving her three children home alone, for weeks at a time to "recover."

My mom has worked in the corporate world her whole life. She never was able to fix her sleep schedule, which meant chronic exhaustion and being overextended for decades because she couldn't sleep before 4am and had to be up by 8am at the latest to get to work. She is currently in her late 60s, dying of neurological deterioration, and has been increasingly disabled since her late 30s.

I was an insomniac by age 5, staying up until well after midnight each day reading, daydreaming, or otherwise entertaining myself quietly in my room instead. For years, I had to wake up by 5am each morning for school, and no medication for insomnia has ever made me sleep, instead it tends to make me cognitively confused to the point that I can't "wake up" for anything despite being fully aware of my surroundings and having never reached REM sleep. By age 25 I was dying of a metabolic disorder that had destroyed the functioning of multiple internal organs. So I had to remake my entire life if I wanted to HAVE one.

These days, I wake up at 10:30am each day for my work from hone gig. I then work until 2-3pm, and go RIGHT BACK TO BED for a nap until 5-6pm. I get off work by 9pm, and stay up with my wife until at least 1-2am before taking my antidepressants and 75mg of benadryl to help me sleep without insomnia or night terrors.

I have never been healthier in my life. I have never been more productive in my life. I have never been this well rested IN MY LIFE.

Centering my life around the idea that it was FINE AND HEALTHY for me to sleep 4-5 hours overnight, and 3-4 hrs in the afternoon has been revolutionary for me. I literally cannot describe to you the difference in my mental and physical health.

With that in mind, all of the above context around how those of us who NEED TO LIVE LIKE THIS FOR OUR OWN WELL BEING is true.

It is IMPOSSIBLE for me to get doctor's appts unless I sacrifice sleep or ensure I have an entire weekday off to attend to it. It is equally as impossible for me to navigate logistical needs like phone calls to utility companies or getting my shopping done in person rather than thruunethical online shipping options. I can't ask for accommodations from ANYONE (g-d I love that I don't HAVE to at work and can just do what works) around my sleep schedule because no one understands wants to change their schedules but expects that since mine is "atypical", that also means it's FLEXIBLE and easily altered. When I see doctors, they decide I have sleep apnea and tell me to lose weight. I DEFINITIVELY do not have sleep apnea, as my lungs have a periodic major inhale due to autonomic dysregulation and hypotension, and that happens whether I am awake OR asleep at the same rate. I also TALK and GESTURE in my sleep, I don't snore. From all of my understanding of sleep disorders, my experience is indicative of dysregulated access to REM sleep, NOT apnea. But no doctor for 30 yrs has given a shit.

When we talk about privilege vs systemic oppression, we're talking about what is allowed to be "normal" and how "abnormality" is treated when it cannot be forced into compliance. The access to the world or to care that those of us requiring abnormal sleep schedules have would be unacceptable to ANYONE. Why should we be cut out of daily life just because our bodies work differently then the socially acceptable schedule requires?? We exist!!! We could be part of the staffing solution for services if they would let us! That would make our quality of life skyrocket!!

Increasingly, I am learning that if I want to be safe and healthy, I have to remove myself from the vast majority of society's moral and logistical expectations of me. Why does that mean I deserve the isolation?

Ok wait let her speak

[megthemaggot]

oversharing meds stuff

been off the bupbup for 16 days and having my first migraine symptoms since then; that seems pretty good. been sleeping poorly so that's probably why it got triggered!

i was on x3 75mgs of venlafaxine for a minute and it was not good, that started the sleeping issue and i was soo fidgety i could NOT STOP picking at my skin; i have had to make sure to wear a bracelet everyday so i had something to play with. so i went back down to 2 pills, fidgeting improved somewhat but still there a bit. and i'm havin trouble with the Adult Activity so that's not the best.

i did a little reading about people finding success combining the both of them at small doses and i want to try it! we stopped the bupbup bc it wasnt controlling the anxiety and it was making the migraine stuff worse but everything else about it was perfect so i resisted making changes for soo long.. and i don't want to completely discount it. my old friend bupbup...

so like i COULD wait the two weeks that are left before my followup appt with the doctor OR i COULD just start taking 1 bup and 1 venlafaxine of my own accord but i'm not sure if i should b/c maybe i haven't given enough time for the vens to operate on my system. bwah