#doing math

[emeraldlupin]

Minato CAN'T be Tsunade's Kid

This is a fan theory I've seen thrown around, even by famed YouTuber NCHammer23. NCHammer is very good at his job, but this theory? It's bad.

The theory is that Tsunade is Minato Namikaze's mother. Why? Because they're both blonde? That's rather shallow. Because the ages line up (even if it results in a teen pregnancy)?

Yeah...uh...about that...

Those of you that have seen my Naruto essays know that I took the timeline created by Seelentau and modified it, both with my own fan ideas and things that I felt were weird narratively (even if the math was accurate). Generally, I do not mess with established birth years. The few times I have, it was to iron out inconsistent data...and one slight arbitrary shift with Shisui.

I have not, however, ever touched Minato and Tsunade's birth data. Minato was born on January 25 about 24 years before Naruto was born. Tsunade, who was 51 in Part 1 (Naruto's 13th year of life), was born on August 2, 38 years before Naruto was born.

Of course, those numbers are negative, and positive numbers are better. On my timeline, I shifted the marker from Naruto's birth to the foundation of Konoha. As a consequence, all those negative numbers had fifty added to them.

-24 + 50 = 26.

-38 + 50 = 12.

This means the new birthdates are:

Tsunade: 08/02/12 Minato: 01/25/26

Right off the bat, you will notice that Minato was born in Tsunade's 14th year of life, which is...very uncomfortable. But it's worse. Count the months. If Tsunade had a baby in January of 26, then she would have been 13, the very edge of a teenager. And it gets worse still...

Let's presume a nine month pregnancy. If so, then Tsunade would have had to have gotten pregnant...at twelve. We wouldn't be looking at teen pregnancy, we'd be looking at pre-teen pregnancy. And don't think you can go for premature birth, either.

In order to avoid the extra-grossness of a pre-teen pregnancy, Minato would have to have been born in less than six months. I am not a medical professional, so I can't say exactly how dangerous that is, but I can say with certainty that it is dangerous.

The earlier a kid is born, the more danger there is, and being born very premature comes with developmental issues and potentially lasting health issues.

A number of preemies (that's what nurses call premature children) end up with some degree of cerebral palsy, a disorder where damage to the brain causes neurological and muscular problems, learning disabilities, growth and development issues, and so on. And that's only one result of premature birth. There are other things that can go wrong. Some children just die.

Minato, as far as we can see, doesn't seem to have any medical issues, and believe me, if he was born extremely early (less than six months), he would have something. Such things would have impacted his ability to be a ninja anyway. Therefore, it seems very unlikely he was a very early preemie.

This theory doesn't work. The math doesn't work. It adds up to something really dark and severely messed up that no one in their right mind would use for fiction.

[paddysnuffles]

His description of what it's like to calculate tips is how my brain sounds like anytime it has to do any math whatsoever

[phantomrose96]

You can be talking to someone and she'll be like, "Oh I made a silly mistake. Women don't deserve voting rights teehee." And you'll be like, "What." And she'll be like, "Oh I'm sorry! That must sound so bad out of context. No it's this Tiktok meme where, if you're a girl and you do something dumb, you say 'Women don't deserve voting rights teehee.'"

And you'll be like, "That sounds bad." And she'll be like, "No no. It's totally not that bad. It's just a meme. Men say it too. Like if a man does something silly he'll be like, 'I am like those women who do not deserve to vote.'" And you'll be like, "Does that make it better?" And she'll be like, "Well there was one guy who tried to make 'Men shouldn't vote' a popular meme. But it never caught on and also he got yelled at a lot."

And then you drop it there because like, you're harshing the vibe.

[who-do-i-know-this-man]

Both Selfish; you each lose 2 points

You Selfish, prev Cooperative; You gain 2 points

You Cooperative, prev Selfish; You lose 1 point, prev gains 1 point

Both Cooperative; You Each gain 1 points

(ps make sure to say what you voted)

Making this post long so you have to scroll to see prev's tags.

[noodles-and-tea]

I am once again back with my Stan Pines is smart agenda

[bonemeal12]

We got a party rocker in the house tonight!!!!!

[havepatienceandendure]

Julius caesar has been dead for 2069 slutty, slutty years

[lemongogo]

life of regret

[razzledax]

I think she’s my favorite character

[danadotcom]

different (but similar) methods of staying awake on a long road trip

[happyheidi]

𝖧𝖺𝗉𝗉𝗒 𝖯𝗂 𝖣𝖺𝗒!!!

³‧¹⁴¹⁵⁹²⁶⁵³⁵ ⁸⁹⁷⁹³²³⁸⁴⁶ ²⁶⁴³³⁸³²⁷⁹ ⁵⁰²⁸⁸⁴¹⁹⁷¹ ⁶⁹³⁹⁹³⁷⁵¹⁰ ⁵⁸²⁰⁹⁷⁴⁹⁴⁴ ⁵⁹²³⁰⁷⁸¹⁶⁴ ⁰⁶²⁸⁶²⁰⁸⁹⁹ ⁸⁶²⁸⁰³⁴⁸²⁵ ³⁴²¹¹⁷⁰⁶⁷⁹‧

[8pxl]

14 yrs ago i started playing magic the gathering as a kid, and i had the dream to do art for them

3 yrs ago i tweeted about those dreams:

today i’ve released 11 official magic the gathering cards, and it’s honestly so surreal and insane to me! i did that!! i fulfilled a childhood dream, and i honestly couldn’t be more proud 🥹

[inkskinned]

it killed you to grow up there, in the dark like that, with nothing but the bones of your childhood. they punished every version of you that wasn't a god. forced sainthood into saturdays and now when you're out in the sun, your hands shake. your breathing puffing into cold mornings, alone in your room, wondering how you could be so broken and yet never have anyone notice the break.

in the dream of that house, you sometimes remember meals and silence and long hallways and your hand cramping over your homework. you sometimes remember the yelling or the limegreen falsehood veneer your parents could construct in the presence of guests. mostly you remember the way time seeped through you, dripped onto everything, how the words it'll get better felt like an arrow through your chest.

you would lay in bed and hope for death with the same fantasy air as romance, picturing a glorious coffin. sometimes you'd picture a dramatic end or a tragic illness that would sweep you away. but mostly you pictured some kind of strange miracle; that you'd go to sleep and simply never have to deal with that again.

when you got out, you had to burn the atmosphere to escape. these days you reside on another planet entirely: one bright and full of lights and color and friends and spice and laughter.

and still sometimes when people say summer, you still remember the back deck. you still remember building a castle. you still remember the birds. when you lay yourself down at night - some part of you still whispers about catacombs, and the dark, and the bones.

some version of you is still resting in that tomb, after all. some version of you will always see the outline of that place and say that's where we used to call home.

[noodles-and-tea]

*its robin btw

[hawflake-folk]

brought jiaoqiu out to pull for them and the absolute speed at which they arrived...