#ed ramblings

[edmcmayonnaise]

I have drawn and posted something every day for 22 days now. This is a record. Even now I am on holidays abroad from home for a couple of days and was still able to post. I’m not sure if it’s much but for me it’s nice just to give myself permission to learn and try a new style.

I do worry about spamming so I didn’t post all to twitter but here is like a special home so I guess I will keep posting here.

Tomorrow’s art is maybe too spicy so I am debating it or drawing something different. (I am one day ahead with drawing.)

[holders0ftherealm]

I wish I had a flat stomach rather than this chub.

More under the cut

I want to cüt the f4t off my body. I feel sick looking at my body all the time. My bmi is so fucking high, nothing I'm doing is bringing the numbers down where I want them. I keep gaining the same shit over and over no matter what I do. I want a flat stomach, I want to feel my bones not just when I lay certain ways. I want my thighs to stop rubbing together. I want my legs to slim down. I want my arms to slim down so my "bingo wings" stop being so noticeable. It hurts a teacher called them bingo wings. It hurts that I am being spoke to and being scanned up and down. I want so much to happens.

I can't even pvrg3 a lot either since my mother seems to be EVERYWHERE and asking if I'm alright. I want hurt but in a way I'm not in control of and I want to be in control of this pain.

I want to be in control of everything but I don't seem to have "the willpower" it would help if my mother stopped forcing me to eat and giving me the "if you don't eat I won't eat" then complain she's hungry an hour or less later treatment. I want control and she's taking it from me.

I feel like I'm faking all of this because my weight and bmi are so fucking high... I feel disappointed in myself. I feel sick even being perceived with how big I am. I try and make myself look smaller but that doesn't work either. I want to cüt where things don't look right. I want to sl1c3 the f4t off like a hot knife to butter. This hurts and I feel I can't grasp control any more

[mauvelsy]

my mom scheduled me a psycho-dietician without my approvement, i told her to cancel it bc i really dont wanna go there but idk what she will do im so scared i really dont want to go there im literally eating enough