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markpassman · 6 years ago

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Medicated

It’s amazing the difference the right medication can make. Since starting my therapy journey almost five years ago, I’ve been on anti anxiety meds. First Paxil, then Lexapro, and now Effexor. Paxil and Lexapro didn’t do much for me. They stopped the attacks, but I was still left with powerful dread and anxiety that I tried my best to control with meditation and therapy. Then I went to a psychiatrist (the previous meds had been prescribed by my GP) who upon hearing I was on Lexapro, immediately thought Effexor would be a better fit for what I suffered from.

Six months after taking Effexor, I felt better. I was more peaceful, more able to let things go, and most importantly had no attacks.

I went for a follow up appointment ready to tell my Psychiatrist that i was feeling great. Something I must have said made her suggest upping my dose. I didn’t know if I could feel any better, so I tried it on the understanding that I could go back to the lower dose without any issues if there was no difference in how I felt.

At first, there was no alteration in my mood. Then I started to feel more peaceful. Then came the motivation. I was able to just do the things I would make normally make excuses for not doing. I started going to bed earlier, so I could wake up earlier and workout before work. I’ve done this before...well, I’ve told myself it would be a good idea to do this...before. However, usually I’d go to bed a little later than I wanted to and then when it came to waking up I’d stay in bed since I didn’t get enough sleep.

Now I wake up at 6am, head to my garage gym and do a kettlebell circuit for 30 minutes along with some boxing heavybag work for cardio.

The difference in my head that’s helped the change has been that I don’t naturally fixate on all the steps toward doing what I want to achieve. At 8:30pm I stop whatever I’m doing and start getting ready for bed. I moisturise, I use serums, SERUMS for crying out loud, on my face so I don’t look so bloody old. I brush my teeth and get in bed. Watch a little of the Daily Show or Seth Myers A Closer Look on Youtube, and I’m out.

This sounds fairly normal and fairly easy to do, but I didn’t realise how much I would anticipate 8:30 coming. Then when it did, I’d push for one more TV show, or one more game of Call of Duty. Then before I knew it, it’d be 10pm and I’d skip my serums, teeth and jump right into bed and wonder why I couldn’t sleep for 30 minutes. I’d wake up knackered and skip a workout then hate myself for being overweight.

When I’d wake up, I’d lie there and think of how tired I felt and how I had to find clothes and put on my heart rate monitor and all the other things I had to do before I could even start working out. I’d bargain with myself that I could hit snooze one more time and then I’d get up. I never did.

Now I just get up.

That doesn’t sound like it explains things enough. Yet it’s the lack of further explanation that’s the huge win for me. There’s no other anxious thought that clouds my brain. I just get up.

And it feels great!

I feel like I’m finally able to make choices to be the person I’ve always wanted to be. I’ve stopped drinking soda after 12 noon. I feel like i can be more social and be less of an introvert. In fact...am i even an introvert? I’ve always been an INTJ and been kinda proud of it. Yet now I wonder how much of an “I” I am since I’ve enjoyed being with people more. I may not be an “E” yet, and that’s ok, but I’m certainly more of an E than I was on any other anti anxiety medication.

There’s more to come in this journey. There will be downs as well as the upward trajectory I’m on now. When they come, I’ll handle it. For now, I’m going to enjoy being more of the person i’ve always wanted to be.

Peace

And may all of you find yours.

#medicated #effexor #therapy #weightlossstruggle #finally #psychiatrist #workouts #blogging #journalling #exercisingthedemons #intj

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