#existential terror

[existentialterror]

Untitled

Total Eclipse by Annie Dillard House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski Detective Pony by @sonnetstuck Meme by unknown Words as Mental Paintbrush Handles by Eliezer Yudkowsky Diving into the Wreck by Adrienne Rich House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T. S. Elliot Meme by unknown Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T. S. Elliot

[devourerofglue]

Oh things I would do to be just a silly cat

[touchstoneaf]

The hard thing about writing/posting fic as a coping mechanism rn is no one has the cope to read/comment. *hugs everyone*

(Not bitching; we should all be doing whatever we need to take care of ourselves.)

*moar hugs*

[kaiyodei]

Doom scrolling, social media and screen addiction got worse after getting rid of the Axel from my head. Even if I told myself every day he is not real , and not believe tulpas are living beings, and head mates are not from the same kind. I still did. A holdover from highschool thinking I was talking to spirits. Part of me thinks maybe I was better off. There is nobody there, there was never anyone there, there will never be anyone there. I even felt physically different that moment. And I still feel like something is missing

[rivet77]

My mind is an old cathedral on a hill, abandoned, and slowly crumbling. With walls that reach to the night sky, and refract every little sound into a million little echoes. The roof, torn off by the same hands which constructed it long ago, leaving all the stars and planets I’ll never reach as a reminder of the roof that once kept the echoes inside. Maybe I had imagined the roof was there. Had fabricated it with my own fear of the expanse, afraid that my wildest, most vulnerable thoughts would bounce beyond my reach. That they might fall on the ears of some distant star-god who’d open doors that would never have been opened otherwise. Doors which can’t be closed. Doors I may well never see.

Sometimes, the echoes are just too loud, reflecting off the stone walls and stained glass like bullets of self-loathing. Voices like that of the horde, though it’s only ever been me in this astral well. Still, I can’t bear the cacophony; I’d shutter the windows, plug my ears, pray for rain. I try to let them go, when I can. It takes practice, but when striking that balance the silence is more blissful than you could ever imagine. The sort you only find in crypts, twilit forests, empty gymnasiums, abandoned factories. The heavy cloak of the abyss. Here, I can sit at the altar and gaze upward for eternity; hairs standing on end, and the tingle of divinity trickling from my crown.

The silence isn’t always a comfort.

Nobody dwells in this cathedral but me, yet… there are *things* outside. Most are people, I assume, shouting from the outside in, telling me what to do, where to go, how wonderful it is. Others are… *me.* At least, a version of me. Begging to be let inside. But every so often… when I’m least expecting it, when I think to ask, bring a trembling hand up to knock, and peer through the pinhole. *I see it.* Staring back. And in that perpetual instant, I’m consumed by moments I’ll never know, realities I’ll never see, experiences I’ll never have. Possibilities unfulfilled, certainty I’ll never possess. In that moment, all that I am and all that I could be is concentrated into the iris of an entity I am a mere cell of. A microorganism who forgot. All I needed was a reminder, a glimpse to sober me up, to bring me just a bit closer to the edge. Trembling, heart racing.

I’ll never know. *Never.*

Does it scare me? In an endless warehouse without walls, drenched in inky blackness, yes. I would be afraid. Of stubbing my foot, of a gunman with night vision goggles, of falling in, of the End of Everything; whether it’s true or not. But sometimes, that which waits in the dark is worth stumbling upon. Sometimes, the eye gazes at me with warmth, a look of comfort. I see it in the eyes of the kind stranger, saving a space by the fire, in the eyes of those who peer through the cracks in who I am, sharing in my wonder and terror in equal measure. Reminding me that which I don’t know is what makes life compelling, worth living.

So while the walls of this cathedral stand, I will sing. I will knock. I will ask. I am the echo, as I ever will be. Until I'm not, until I am, again and again.

[deargodsno]

Rarely have I felt so seen.

[delcat177]

Wait until she finds out that mitochondrial DNA makes this kind of sort of...true

Wake up, babe, new religion just dropped

[existentialterror]

Touching love poem from the Wikipedia page on Carl Sagan (2023-02-03.)

[milliebugydementia]

it's so fucked up how they do that. is this what it feels like to have kids???

on the brink of insanity

[jollyparaphernalia]

Welcome back to the Kingswap AU Yapping. Todays topic is Party Dynamics

(What's this?) Today we focus in on Clovis (Our swapped King now in Siffrins position). As you can see, his first introduction to the party was a bit of a...mixed affair? Guy's got some anxieties (Don't worry, they caught him later) WARNING: This chatter post i'm just gonna blanket as just being spoilers all around for 'In Stars And Time', and any content warnings that apply to the game also apply here.

First things first before getting into it...WOAH THANK YOU GUYS FOR THE RESPONSE! I wasn't expecting people to resonate so much with the idea, I was maybe expecting a small handful of notes, but seeing people interested and keysmashing in the comments/tags and theorizing makes me very happy! I also appreciate all the asks that have been sent in (Don't worry. I've seen you guys who are curious about how much of a freak Isabeau is re: the Stagemaster. I see you. I love you. I will get to those soon.) But the topic today is focused on Clovis.

Hey Jolly, what's the point of focusing on all this background stuff if this AU ends up in the loops anyways?

It's MY BRAINROT, and I SAY that the Orb Quest and background stuff is ESSENTIAL to the LORE A big part hanging over In Stars and Time is the Team. The Friends. The FAMILY. It is a huge crux of the motivations of Siffrin, and for this AU I wanna sell you on the Swapped King having a place in the party, and how the others bounce off of him and interact with him. It's fun translating someone like The King into a form that is a very different role but keeping some of the themes he comes with.

So, what's the Vibe?

Clovis is an awkward wet dog. He fills a similar niche that Siffrin does, being a semi-forgetful islander who is a complete disaster once you peel back the curtains, and is different in how he intersects with the party.

A small example would be puns. He doesn't make puns - but he ends up being funny anyways

"You're telling me a shrimp fried this rice?" He forgets words a lot similar to Siffrin, and is mortified every time - but he says things so seriously that everyone has a great time anyways.

One on One, you can rank the differences between character interactions on...Do they Like Dogs or Cats More? Siffrin is Cat, Clovis is Dog.

Lets Look At The Most Different Dynamic Compared to Siffrin: Mirabelle.

Mirabelle prefers dogs. She struggles to understand Siffrin, and Siffrin struggles to understand her, and that is the crux of a lot of problems that happen in ISAT, with Mirabelle not wanting to seem nosey with Siffrins secrets.

So, she thrives alongside Clovis. A sad, wet dog she found behind a dumpster. Who is very, very intense and gives off unnerving energy.

Mirabelle leash your fucking cryptid. He's scaring the neighbours.

Clovis is slightly more open than Siffrin (Can't hide behind a hat, after all) and he willingly searched out the Party to join them on their quest to save Vaugarde (Though he's a bit cagey on answering why outside of thats what a knight would do, but thats okay). He's willingly pledged his service, and Mirabelle appreciates having someone who is unambiguously on her side without having to be asked. It also helps that he also seems a little scared all the time, but thats okay. They can be brave together. (She just wishes that he wouldn't put himself in harms way all the time)

Mira also considers Clovis to be a bit of a good luck charm, in fact - she's learned she can take him out to do errands, and for some strange reason...She doesn't get bothered nearly as much by strangers approaching her to talk with the 'Chosen of the Change God'. Going shopping is almost pleasant when he's with her!

Clovis isn't really sure why it happens either. (It's because you scare the shit out of people with your neutral expression, dude.)

Hey, wouldn't that kinda dedication be a little weird for Mirabelle?

Maybe. I'd like to think they're on a weird similar wavelength, with Clovis being so deep in his knightly sensibilities and being so polite to her. Some....secret third thing (It's friendship. Ace for Ace solidarity). Clovis would probably catch onto the papers well before Dormont, but, well. He'd probably not wanna snoop about it, cause that's rude!

(He's some flavour of Ace? You decide. shipping ain't off the table, but that's not the focus for this AU. The focus is pain and the agonies). Much like how in the artbook insertdisc5 muses that Siffrin would travel with Odile the longest, I think Clovis would join Mirabelle for her pilgrimage.

So, what about someone who is more a Cat person?

Like, say, Odile! Great topic change. Clovis steals Siffrin's spot as 'Odile's chosen for Secret Quests' because he's good at keeping secrets, though...Odile has to pay a bit more attention to Clovis when left in a book store or library on his lonesome. Guy just hones in on Headache books like candy.

As seen above with the first meeting, Clovis also keeps a lot of Siff's Sus energy. But considering how easily Clovis tends to cave under Odile's pressure, the idea that he could be an assassin from the Stagemaster is laughable at best. (And also easily disproved, considering how active The Stagemaster is in Orbquest for this AU)

You know how in ISAT proper, Odile's Susquest is incredibly hard to get naturally, and often needing a guide to achieve for the typical player? Yeah that's reversed. Clovis can't act for SHIT and Odile can read him like a book. Clovis going through the House of Dormont and has one innocent conversation with the team and you just hear*Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping!* Cats can keep secrets, but you KNOW when a dog has done something they shouldn't have. (Odile probably finds that both funny and charming?)

Now, just cause Clovis can't keep a personal secret, and is potentially easy to read...doesn't mean he isn't cunning. After all...The King in ISAT proper is able to deduce that there's something fucky going on with Siffrin, and is perfectly capable of deception.

Clovis voted 'second least likely to beat someone in chess (first being Isabeau on purpose)' but the truth of the matter is he's probably cracked at that. Probably would also love Strategy Games (And is fucking awful at poker).

He'd also prolly join Odile and Isabeau in smoking a bong and going drinking. They're both prolly delighted at this (Out straight edge little knight smoking and drinking? The scandal!)

So...What's Up With Isabeau And Clovis. Is Isabeau...interested in Clovis like he is Siffrin?

WELL. THERE'S CERTAINLY SOMETHING COMPLICATED HERE.

We can't talk about Isabeau and an AU'd KING and not get a LITTLE bit into The Gender. Even in the baseline material, you can probably write essays on the compare/contrast between The King and Isabeau regarding their masculinity and how it manifests (and in fact, i'm almost sure people have!). Seriously, The King literally chose his title. An explicitly masculine title, with him specifically highlighting the ability to make decisions and force his will onto others.

There's shades of it here, but the villainous side of it is understandably no longer present. Clovis...well, Clovis has a complex relationship to his gender? Unlike Siffrin (who is explicitly said to have never done Body Craft) The King is stated to HAVE done Bodycraft at some point (even if it was to BE BIG), so...Clovis maybe has thought about it (maybe even done it?).

I like to say he's explicitly attached to being A Guy. I'm talking full on 'yippee!' if people call him Sir Clovis. Could just be he's happy to be identified As a Knight...could be something more.

I'll leave the interpretation to you.

But wait! You said it was complex, this seems straightforward?

Well. The second half of it is that Clovis...explicitly wants to be seen as a protector. He doesn't WANT to scare people, he doesn't WANT to be seen as intimidating or weird or strange and intense. He doesn't want the Party to see him as dangerous or scary. ('But you're the good kind of scary!' is prolly what Mirabelle would say, the horror loving fanatic she is.)

Not that Clovis would ever -voice- it, but he so very desperately wants what Isabeau has. And vice versa, Isabeau I think would deeply admire Clovis for being practically fearless when it comes to taking on the burdens of the adventure. Clovis takes things in stride (even if in social contexts he's VERY NERVOUS) and yet...Clovis might be anxious...but Clovis isn't a coward. Clovis knows what he wants to be. If shit hits the fan, Clovis is marching forward, focused and unafraid to use what cunning he can muster to get through the obstacle.

So, yeah, Isabeau and Clovis are definitely two bros bonding over being dudes, 100%. Maybe not super outwardly, but it's there. The whole thing smacks of Gender. They both want what the other got.

Does that translate to a crush from Isabeau that Clovis is oblivious to? I haven't decided yet (I lean towards yes? because thinking about Loop having an aneurysm watching Isabeau be an idiot trying to confess to Clovis makes me happy)

They're friends, at a minimum.

Hey Wait a Second! How is Clovis with Touch?

He's so-so about it! He has the bonus of having his armor insulate him, so, the party will casually touch his armored bits like his gloves and chestplate, but...he reacts about as well as Siffrin is to sudden touch. He'd like it! But. Uh...Well. Not like he can remember a time when someone hugged him, you know? (He'd like a hug, but that would be weird to ask for. Something something knightly distance something something.)

But Wait! There's One More Party Member! What about Bonnie?

(Yes for the timecraft from the Stagemaster, btw, i'll get into it another time)

Eye incident? What Eye Incident? Bonnies right over there, see?

Bonnies all well and go- what? You want them to turn around? Okay...Hey! Bonnie!

Turn around for us!

See? Bonnies fine. Everything is fine. It's. Fine. Maybe we'll get into the tale there another time. (That's not a typo. Bonnie calls him Cloves :) )

get out of here you cheeky twink

Anyways, what's the Conclusion here?

Clovis wants to support the party. Clovis, just a little bit selfishly, wants to be useful to them just a little bit longer, if only to make sure Bonnie gets back to their sister (and so she can yell at him profusely and maybe beat him to death with a hammer)

If Siffrin's mantra is 'i'm fine', Clovis' is 'I can handle it.'

See? He's strong. That's what knights are for, right? Bearing the burden? He can handle it. He can handle it.

SO WHY CAN'T HE HANDLE IT?!

Once again I hope you enjoyed this little journey here, and i'd like to thank everyone again for being so curious about my brainrot (and a big thanks again to the isat discords AU channel for feeding my worms)

Anyways thank you byyyyeeeeeeeee, have Clovis enjoying a parfait

[shisasan]

I have always had this fear of people, not actually of the people themselves, but of their intrusion upon my weak nature; for even the most intimate friend to set foot in my room lls me with terror, and is more than just a symbol of this fear. June 26, 1913 Letters to Felice by Franz Kafka First published : 1973

[scorchedraven]

Finally got around to listening to MYTH: Side 1 by The Narcissist Cookbook, and I have only one thing to say:

THOSE 40 SECONDS ARE CAUSING ME MORE STRESS THAN MOST HORROR PODCASTS I'VE LISTENED TO. TNC WHY ARE YOU GIVING ME HEART PALPITATIONS

[spectranoir]

The deepest terrors are the ones left unexplained—waiting, hidden, just beyond the door.

[morethangodlovesthem]

The hopelessness of the the terror is so cathartic in times like these.

[cdroloisms]

i feel like ,,, like we talk a lot about how fear-motivated c!dream's actions are, yeah, because you know c!dream is consistently paranoid as fuck and So Much of why he's like that is because he's too scared to think straight and doing batshit insane shit as a result, but at the same time i think that his ... awareness? of this? can be vastly overestimated. c!dream doesn't like being afraid. c!dream is historically Really Fucking Bad at admitting or acknowledging when he's actually terrified of a situation, because that means he's lost control of it. if he's Worried about a situation he's still ahead of it, if he's Cautious or making preparations or getting things in line to make sure that those closest to him don't get in the line of fire he's still retained a degree of control, but all of that isn't quite the same as admitting he's doing anything because he's scared out of his mind, because scared out of his mind isn't exactly a state that c!dream likes to be in.

and this is why c!dream is so adamant on transactional relationships with anyone that he perceives as having a modicum of real power, because being useful to powerful people makes him less of a target because they need something from him. this is why he is so desperate to convince himself that he's on top when it comes to sam, when it comes to quackity, when it comes to wilbur, and he's saying all of this hidden inside his own hell after hiding there for months having barely confronted c!quackity before getting the hell out of dodge. this is why he scrambles to make sure to show that he's not indebted to technoblade and why he puts himself in foolish's service within minutes of meeting him and why a fucking feeling of power against an unarmed man he could've locked in a box with him with a press of a button was enough to get him to shut up and obey no matter how damn unsubstantiated that feeling ended up being because he couldn't bear to lose it, even just within his own head

and so you know, when c!dream calls c!tommy the one thing out of his control as a motivation for exile during the same time he had to fight off multiple coups explicitly with the desire to do away with him so that theyd be able to "rule the server," like. look. c!dream is just so fucking far from a reliable narrator. i'm sure he could give me an itemized list of how c!tommy has ruined his life, i'm sure he can say all these things about how c!tommy causes chaos and causes problems and doesn't listen to anyone, i'm sure he can go on and on and on about how it'd be a different story if c!tommy just listened to him for once. but let's be real, here--as much as he's convinced himself that he's trying to get control of the one thing out of his control, what's closer to reality is that c!tommy was the one thing he did feel like he could control (hello, the discs) when literally everything else wasn't

[existentialterror]

10 years of EXISTENTIAL TERROR DOT TUMBLR DOT COM. (This was my first post, sharing this article. It's really good. Check it out.)

Still afraid! Still kicking!

‘“In some ways,” Travers said, trying to light a cigarette with stained and trembling fingers, “it’s more of a punch in the gut than ever, finding a sun so much like our own, and a planet that exists well within the conditions to produce life but doesn’t.’