#felix.text

[thespacestationsys]

So, we're thinking we might be polyfragmented. C-DID. I put together the reasons for it, based on one of my earlier reblogs. 

complex system structure--we have identified at least one subsystem, identified because we can't get to one of the alters in that system without D or J (the two main fronters there) fronting first, or at least being close to front. I, the host, cannot mentally see this alter, I can only ask D or J what they look like. They are completely blocked off from me. And I'm pretty sure theres more in that group, and probably more groups centered around trauma holders.

Complex splitting patterns--I can identify twice off the top of my head where alters split in pairs from a single situation, and my memory is swiss cheese so I'm sure there more.

Large fragment count--im not sure how to count the fragments. Since I can't go into headspace, I can't see where any fragments might be and how many there are, but I know we have some who, in times of stress/trauma, have latched onto an identity and become fully formed fictives and been given a role to deal with some aspect of the stress/trauma.

lack of non-dissociative coping mechanisms--unfortunately, we've split because of anxiety attacks and too much daily dissociation (needing somebody to back me up and help my memory, thanks Fragment Eli). and we dissociate almost constantly.

Early life trauma--struggling to not say it wasn't that bad, but my logic says yes, it was bad enough to be considered severe, and was definitely early in life.

Not especially looking for advice or what have you, just wanted to get it out someplace.

[anomalousquery]

The limitation of human minds is doubt.

I will be exploring this idea soon, i unfortunately am not in a state to do the work now.

An examination on what doubt is to humans, why we experience it, and why i consider it a limitation on the mind.

Structure will consist of research, analysis, and conclusions drawn.

I will speak soon.

[philoponella]

me: I hatred my boobs. time to put them in binder jail

my back that is already bad: 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[thespacestationsys]

Anyone have Q's for us?

This are our semi-active introjects: Andy Gallagher (spn), Aziraphale (good omens; we haven't watched s2 so no spoilers pls), Barnes (Marvel), Castiel (spn), Crowley (good omens), Dean Winchester (spn), Eddie Munson (stranger things), Isaias Jannike (a mix between myth (not marvel) Loki and spn Gabriel who found their own name), Rose Tyler (doctor who), Sam Winchester (spn), and both the 9th and 10th doctors.

Introject Ask Game!

We've seen a lot of these, but never one directed specifically at introjects (fictives, factives, fcktives, etc), so we decided to make one!

1. What's your name and source?

2. What type of introject are you? (Fictive, factive, etc.)

3. How connected do you feel to your source?

4. Do you have any exomemories? What's your favourite one?

5. What do you think of your source's fandom?

6. Do you have any sourcemates in your system?

7. Have you ever met any sourcemates outside your system?

8. Have you ever posted/sent a sourcecall anywhere? Did it help you find sourcemates?

9. What do you think are your biggest differences from/similarities to your source?

10. Do you like being compared to your source?

11. What's your favourite thing about your source?

12. What's your least favourite thing about your source?

13. Any funny exomemories?

14. Does your appearance differ from your source's appearance?

15. What other role, if any, do you have in the system?

16. If you could go back to the life you had in your exomemories/source, would you?

17. Does this universe differ at all from the one in your exomemories/source?

18. What's your favourite clothing item/accessory that the system owns?

19. Do you have any merch of your source?

20. Do you ever get homesick? If yes, what do you do to deal with it?

21. What songs remind you of your source?

22. What activities/things remind you of your source?

23. Do you like engaging with your source/content about it?

24. Have you ever created content related to your source? (Art, fanfiction, etc.)

25. How do you feel about doubles?

26. Talk about anything you want, relevant to rhe rest of the questions or not!

⚠️ This post is inclusive of all system origins ⚠️

[thespacestationsys]

That feel when you have to add a new trauma holder little to the simplyplural.

Not gonna give any more than that, but yeah, yesterday was so fun. /sarc

[thespacestationsys]

hey moot! same hair : D

I mean. I think the first one is probably right. obvs the Picrew is as accurate as I could get it. but I don't think the last one is super accurate. I would disagree with 'always serious,' adaptable, and not being interested in others.

but yeah! this was fun.

I will go ahead and tag @evergreensys even though we don't know each other that well yet. you don't have to participate, but consider this an invitation. also anyone else who wants to.

PICREW + QUIZ TAG GAME — [ original post ]

i found this really cool challenge on here and i wanted to share it with you (with an extra suprise)

THE RULES. —

1. take the quiz,

2. do the picrew,

3. take this quiz aswel,

4. reblog this post with your results and tag whoever u think would enjoy this challenge too!

MY RESULTS. —

the first quiz is one 90 procent accurate lol🤞and i tried to make it look like gyaru make up but it just looks like i have white circles under my eyes! and the second quiz is not totally wrong but i don’t really enjoy attention irl and i never heard i was narcissistic before but i do think i’m an attention seeker online, also i never had a lover T^T

SOME OF MY LOVELY MOOTS. — @coquetteky @bluehwale-main @ari-shipping-stuff @sweatyjeans @sunoo-bby @rieuvie @leo-seonghwa @girls4cheol and whoever feels inclined to do it too!!

[thespacestationsys]

I'll probably go In soon, but just wanted to note: one of the cool things about being plural (and having hyperphantasia) is that when I'm nervous, I can mentally see some of my headmates--our protectors--surround me, and I feel their calm assurance. I know I'm safe.

[thespacestationsys]

He can't find us. None of us ever gave him our Kansas address. He cannot find us, we are safe, it's fine.

We are safe.

We live probably a thousand miles away from him. We haven't talked since 2021 so he has no idea where we are or where we work or anything. That's a thousand miles he'd have to search. And we aren't accepting his damn friend request, and I don't think we have any information on there open to not-friends about where we live or work or anything.

It's fine, we're safe.

I promise, J, we're safe.

[thespacestationsys]

Still trying to figure out if the Experience I had Sunday night is going to affect me longer-term or not.

It's not like I can stop taking my pills. Even though sometimes I want to.

I've been in a really weird mood since then though. I've told like 5 people what happened, and I've been pretty energized (which is extremely odd for me).

We haven't switched, and I've barely heard from anyone. Actually, I've barely heard from anyone in a while. I think two Sundays ago was the last time someone else was at the helm.

I don't know. Maybe it will. Maybe it won't. No way to tell until I try to process it with my therapist.

[thespacestationsys]

Disclaimer: we tend to have easy switches most of the time. We've heard that a lot of people don't.

1) Switching kinda feels like this: Trigger happens (whether its positive, negative, or just an agreed-upon switch for whatever reason); the body goes completely still except for breathing and blinking, because it's autopiloting around and there's no one in the front; a between 15 seconds and a minute later, depending on unknown factors, somebody else takes control of the body and it feels like waking up out of a dream, like whatever just happened before the switch wasn't quite real. They blink a few times, look around to get oriented, remember what's going on, and continue on with whatever they need to do--a task, getting the body out of a triggering situation, whatever.

We tend to have some control over switches? Like, we can positive trigger someone out fairly easily, and sometimes just focusing on a particular headmate, asking if they want to front, and trading places can happen. Of course, there's always negative triggers, where it results in an involuntary switch. Unexpected/unknown positive triggers are definitely annoying, in that it can result in a sudden switch without prior preparation. We have experience with that quite often. Leads to anxiety when in a public place with music playing, as songs tend to be our positive triggers most often.

2) We don't have a lot of amnesiac barriers between switches. We used to have more, in fact I (Felix) remember when sometimes our mom would be like 'i asked you to do this and you said you would, why didnt you do it?' but I didn't remember being asked or agreeing. At the time, I called it 'being on autopilot.'

But back to the question, most of us who aren't 'trauma holder who just came out of dormancy' tend to know what's going on, even if its the first time we've been out in a very long time. It's just the way our system was created, I guess, a lot more covert than some. We saw the term 'headspace amnesia' earlier, and we think it applies to us. Either that, or the headspace is still under construction/hard to get to, because most of us can only see it when we focus.

3) We have lost most trauma memories system-wide. The gatekeeper Michael locks up a lot of memories, even things that we didn't really think were distressing to the fronter, so we lose memories of other stuff than trauma. Sometimes, the knowledge of generally what happened is still there, but no important details. Tiny things might be there still, though.

I (Felix) will answer 4 at the end, because it has trigger warnings on it. I don't know how detailed of an answer you wanted, so I answered honestly and put it under a read more.

5) Fen-- It's not easy, but it's there. For a while, Felix thought he was mistaken of being a system because we can't comment on outerworld stuff randomly like he saw a lot of people talking about. He has to focus to be able to communicate with us, or anybody in the front has to focus, really. He can make announcements over the intercom system, but there's not much response unless he focuses on listening to a specific person's response.

6) Yes. Not in the outerworld, though. Sometimes we can see each other in our mind's eye, either deliberately showing each other something like a facial expression or that we are walking through headspace to the fronting or meeting room (that one is usually non-fronter to fronter, and as needed) or when we are trying to look at each other to talk or draw/make a picrew of someone else.

7) We don't daydream in the traditional sense much, if at all. What we do daydream are scenarios that could happen if an anxiety comes true, and play them through with dialogue and emotions, and usually the person doing that doesn't know what's going on in the outerworld while it's happening. With dreaming, though, there's been times Felix has dreamed of one of us. That's happened twice, with a syskid and Michael. Usually he can tell the difference between a dream NPC and one of us because they'll either tell him outright that they are a system member, or he will dream of them repeated nights in a row and they'll look the same.

8) One of our system members might be neurogenic, at least partly. They were a fragment at first, then when a fictive from a particular source split off into the system, the fragment gained wholeness as another character from the same source, which is a special interest of Felix's. Most of the rest of us are either created directly from trauma or as the brain needed another person to take care of something/someone.

9) Both. Technically we are less alone because there's more than one in the same mind, and sometimes we can have conversations or go on a date or just chill out. But a lot of the time, it makes Felix in particular, and some others, feel more alone, because we have to be careful about who we invite into the inner circle of friendship and how covert we are with most people and who we trust our littles around and other unique aspects. Even people we've told we sometimes just act like the host with, because it's not something we want to breach with them yet. It makes things a lot more complicated most of the time, and that makes us feel more alone. Plus, we don't all know each other like the back of our own hands.

4) Yeah. I wish I could spoiler mark this like on discord, but I'm just going to put it under a read-more. TW for underage sex, non-graphic self harm, disordered eating behaviors, non-graphic fear and near-violence, mention of hospitalization, and knives.

I will refer to them by initials because I don't want to outright say names of minors.

K is a mix between trauma holder and sexual protector, and because of certain things she believes, she would contact people on the internet when the body was 17, claim to be an adult, and try to meet up to have sex or just sext. I (Felix) didn't know it was her at the time and I would usually come back in and cancel the meetup. She also has a habit of disordered eating behaviors, so I'm afraid that if she ever gets frontstuck she'll act that out.

R will sometimes self harm because of the things he believes he should do. Once, he was passive-influencing me all day, and suddenly fronted that night to self-harm.

W is also a trauma holder, and one time while were in residential treatment it fronted after a few days of passive influence, got a knife, and kind of threatened somebody with it because it was terrified and paranoid. We ended up hospitalized because of that.

So yes, headmates have done things that the host definitely didn't want them to.

questions for systems

I’m wanting to understand other people’s plurality better so here are some questions! Everyone is allowed to participate, regardless of how you identify your plurality or origins. Hopefully these questions will help us all appreciate the differences and similarities in each other!

What does switching feel like for you? How much control do you have over switches?

What happens to you when you switch out? Are you still aware of the external world or do you disappear?

Do you ever lose memories because of your system? If so, describe what that’s like for you.

Do your system members ever do anything that you don’t want them to do?

Are you able to communicate easily with your system? Do they ever ignore you?

Can you see your system members? Do you see them in the external world (like standing in front of you) or do you see them internally (like in an inner world)? Can you do this whenever you want or does it happen on its own?

How do you tell the difference between daydreams and system members? Or is there an overlap for you?

Is your system connected to any disorder or mental health condition? If not, how can you tell?

Does having a system make you feel less alone or more alone?

[thespacestationsys]

was just looking over a journal I started last September or so and wrote in until this April.

I remember barely any of that time. I guess I know why now; my mental health was dismal then. lots of bad PTSD days and dissociation.

I mean, yeah, I know that I have lots of memory problems now because of dissociating most of the day away. but its still weird to read about huge feelings and issues I don't remember experiencing.

[thespacestationsys]

So, life update:

We tried the college thing again, at a state university in the biggest city in the state (for various reasons). We did one summer class, an English class, and went back for fall for 3 days--class hadn't even started again--and ended up in the psych hospital.

Because of the stress of the recent times, we must have split again, and the new split was finally formed the other day when my mom and I watched Back to the Future 2, the new split becoming a fictive of Marty McFly.

So, everybody say hello to the newest member of the Space Station.

Also, trying to figure out if we have subsystems/might be polyfragmented. A new gatekeeper came up and said that there are a few, but I'm always worried I'm summoning words from the void when I'm trying to talk to new people. So I'm not sure.

If anyone polyfragmented system can share with me how they found out that they have subsystems, that would be greatly appreciated.

[thespacestationsys]

Sometimes you've just got to let your trauma holder littles make vent art.

[thespacestationsys]

Looking for input on this.

We have a headmate who is mostly emotionless, keeps to himself, doesn't like to be in groups/prefers solitude, is bad at making connections, and is blunt to the point of being rude. I think he fits the characterization of Schizoid Personality Disorder, but it could just be because of the demands his role puts on him (gatekeeper).

I (mostly the host) have never considered this diagnosis for myself nor had psychiatrists look into it for us.

Is it possible that he is a symptom holder for this PD, or like I conjectured could it just be because of the demands his role has put on him/how my brain needed to form a gatekeeper?

I haven't found anyone else in the Symptom Holder tag talking about SZPD/SCPD.

Could also potentially be a symptom holder for certain aspects of my (highly suspected) autism spectrum disorder, now that I think about it.

Any thoughts?

[thespacestationsys]

A week or so ago, we sent out a search party to find a new alter we suspected of being there, and we were right, so now there's 19? in the system.

This new one will not be named here, since they are a minor, and also because they don't really have a name yet.

[thespacestationsys]

hey! welcome to the space station.

collective name is Zeren, and pronouns are they/them (unless one of us signs off with pronouns).

if you've followed for a while, you will know we used to have our adult members listed. we are changing that.

I'll try and tag vent posts/images as "trauma" without the quotation marks, so you can block them if you don't want to see them.

other tags would be the name of the member who reblogged or posted a specific post, probably "faceclaims" and maybe other tags that I'll update here as I start using them.

asks are open but anon is off; if you want to DM please send an ask first with what you want to DM about, even if it's just that you want to talk and maybe make friends. no NSFW asks please, and no PDA/nicknames unless you ask first.