#food insecurity is not the topic being addressed in this post

[storybookprincess]

this might sound painfully obvious, but the key to not wasting all your money on takeout is keeping food in your house that you like & is easy to prepare

to me, the two big draws of ordering takeout during the week are 1. it tastes good. and 2. it is very low effort. especially as someone who lives with a chronic illness, all of the good intentions to cook a healthy meal every evening are pretty meaningless when i come home exhausted or in pain. and it's an exercise in futility to keep attempting that & then getting frustrated with myself when i fail. eating at home needs to be both easy and appealing, or it's simply not going to happen. and i'm going to order takeout

for me, this boils down into two main practices. first, when i'm feeling up for it, i like to batch cook on the weekends. i make a big serving of something that will keep well in the fridge for several days, and then just reheat it in the evenings. and when i'm not well enough to cook, it means ensuring that i have pre-prepared food on hand that requires no effort beyond sticking it in the oven

the key to success with this method is the following: the food needs to be something i will genuinely enjoy eating. sure, it probably won't be quite as good as a meal made by a professional in a restaurant, but it does have to be tasty & satisfying. again, the first appeal of takeout is simply that it tastes good

and most important of all, we CANNOT let perfect be the enemy of good. "but liv! are you really just telling me to keep a package of dumplings in my freezer to eat during the week? is that really healthy or cost effective?" well, if your options are the frozen dumplings or takeout, then comparatively, yeah, it is probably healthier or cheaper or both. we don't live in an ideal world. we live in this one. and we need to work within the parameters of the real world rather than aspiring for an ultimately unreachable ideal and then getting mad at ourselves when we fail.

tl;dr: to stop overspending on takeout, keep food on hand that you want to eat and requires minimal effort to prepare. that's it. and don't let imaginary rules and standards sabotage you along the way.

[phillyfoodproject]

What actually is food insecurity?

It depends who you ask.

According to the USDA, food insecurity is "the limited or uncertain availability of nutritionally adequate and safe foods, or limited or uncertain ability to acquire acceptable foods in socially acceptable ways". This definition is useful for surveying populations and determining the scale of widespread food insecurity. Often, this is the language used by policymakers and professionals in the United States. But it isn't the only definition used.

The United Nations defines food security as, "people having at all times, physical, social and economic access to sufficient, safe and nutritious food which meets their dietary needs and food preferences for an active and healthy life".

These terms are useful for policymakers and researchers, but they do not address the socioeconomic and historical reasons behind the lack of healthy and desirable foods in some neighborhoods while others have abundance. In the USDA definition especially, the onus of food insecurity is put onto the individuals that experience hunger. Reasons for food insecurity are boiled down to lack of access, which while technically correct, removes agency from the systemic problems which allow food insecurity to flourish in a world that produces enough food for no one to ever have to go to bed hungry.

Another interesting feature of the USDA definition of food insecurity is the inclusion of the phrase "acquiring foods in socially acceptable ways". This is referring to the fact that those that steal, dumpster dive, etc., are obtaining food in ways that go against social conventions. While these imperfect definitions are necessary to be able to describe phenomena, there is value in deconstructing concepts and examining their implications. In the United States, 92 BILLION pounds of food are wasted annually. How ethical is it for our language to center the short-comings of individuals for their suffering in a system that not only allows but encourages such suffering? How can we address food access when the economic system directly benefits from the wasting of valuable resources?

The United Nations definition scratches the surface of one dimension of food insecurity that is absent in the USDA definition, "food preferences". Consequently, this dimension is essential when examining global food insecurity. Can someone be considered food secure if they are relying on food that is not culturally appropriate or appetizing? But that is a whole discussion for another post.

Food insecurity is the state of being unable to eat a healthy, nutritious, appropriate diet with dignity, often due to poverty and systemic oppression of minority groups. It is not the effect of the poor choices of individuals but of systemic problems within the food system and socioeconomic inequalities. It has a devastating impact on health, development, and wellbeing for billions worldwide.

Resources:

Action Against Hunger. (2025, February 6). What is Food Insecurity? | Action Against Hunger. https://www.actionagainsthunger.org/the-hunger-crisis/world-hunger-facts/what-is-food-insecurity/

Food Insecurity - Healthy People 2030 | odphp.health.gov. (n.d.). https://odphp.health.gov/healthypeople/priority-areas/social-determinants-health/literature-summaries/food-insecurity

Food security in the U.S. - Key Statistics & Graphics | Economic Research Service. (n.d.). https://www.ers.usda.gov/topics/food-nutrition-assistance/food-security-in-the-us/key-statistics-graphics

Food Security in the U.S. - Measurement | Economic Research Service. (n.d.). https://www.ers.usda.gov/topics/food-nutrition-assistance/food-security-in-the-us/measurement

Food Waste in America: How You Can Help Rescue Food | Feeding America. (n.d.). Feeding America. https://www.feedingamerica.org/our-work/reduce-food-waste#:~:text=Food%20waste%20statistics%20in%20the,all%20the%20food%20in%20America.

Keenan, D. P., Olson, C., Hersey, J. C., & Parmer, S. M. (2001). Measures of Food Insecurity/Security. Journal of Nutrition Education, 33, S49–S58. https://doi.org/10.1016/s1499-4046(06)60069-9

Pérez-Escamilla, R., & Segall-Corrêa, A. M. (2008, August 1). Food insecurity measurement and indicators. https://www.scielo.br/j/rn/a/mfgJyKLc9HP7nXLRX5fH3Fh/

[kdrenvs3000w25]

Blog Post 05: Environmental Injustice

With this week being a free write for our nature interpretation blogs, I want to dedicate this post to discussing and highlighting environmental injustice. Environmental justice is a relatively new term for me; I only learned about it last year, when I was studying abroad and taking a course on climate change. I became so passionate about the topic that last semester I ended up writing my thesis on environmental injustice, and how natural spaces can be designed to tackle it. It allowed me to be able to educate myself on how low income and minority communities are affected disproportionately by climate change. Environmental justice is defined as “the just treatment and meaningful involvement of all people, regardless of income, race, color, national origin, Tribal affiliation, or disability, in agency decision-making and other Federal activities that affect human health and the environment” (US EPA, 2024). This relates back to learning and discussing privilege in Unit 3. As I previously shared, I have had the privilege to have a positive relationship with nature. Typically, when we think about nature and our environment, we see it as something beautiful, something we can find peace and comfort in. Learning about environmental injustice taught me that this is not always the case. Certain individuals, groups, and societies endure amplified environmental burdens such as low air and water quality, exposure to toxic waste and pollution, lack of green space, climate change vulnerability, food insecurity, disproportionate health impacts, and much more. When researching how to work towards amending these, a significant problem that I learned can arise is green gentrification, where residents are displaced as a result of introducing new green spaces to a community. One of the ways to prevent this is involving the community through every step of the design process, and allowing them to have their say in policy making. However, as we have learned in Unit 3, sometimes individuals do not get involved, not because they do not want to, but because they can’t, due to a variety of different barriers. A study in the paper Evaluating environmental education, citizen science,and stewardship through naturalist programs discussed the involvement of 2 different naturalist training programs in the United States (Merenlender et al, 2016). In both programs, participants were majority white (over 80% in both programs), and majority had higher education. The paper stated that barriers need to be reduced to encourage participation in minority groups. Recognizing these disparities is the first step in addressing them. 

Learning about environmental injustice has allowed me to have a more in depth understanding on the relationship between people and nature. Access to clean air, water, and green space should be a right, not a privilege. By actively overcoming challenges that prevent certain groups from participating, we can allow for all voices to be heard, and become involved. While I can never fully understand the full effects this has on certain groups, I can continue to educate myself, and share what I have learned and researched to others.

Merenlender, A. M., Crall, A. W., Drill, S., Prysby, M., & Ballard, H. (2016). Evaluating environmental education, citizen science, and stewardship through naturalist programs. Conservation Biology, 30(6), 1255-1265. 

US EPA . (2024, November). EPA. https://www.epa.gov/environmentaljustice/learn-about-environmental-justice  

[amara-iceleb]

New York City's Community Gardens

🌳 Rooftop Gardens in Urban Landscapes

🌳 The New School's Green Roof

New York City has a rich history of community gardens, starting in the 70s with the Bowery Houston Community Farm and Garden. Vacant lots were transformed into blooming gardens in which the community could come together to cultivate crops or to socialize, enriching the community with culture.

One the aspects of these community gardens in New York City that I find to be the most intriguing and impressive is their resilience in the face of adversity. Despite facing threats of development and urbanization — which is bound to happen in any city, but especially one as developed and popular as New York City —, many of these gardens have persevered, thanks to the dedication and activists of local residents. Several "guerilla gardeners" started to pop up, not only in the city but across North America, and they would fight the threats of development and urbanization by continuing to cultivate these gardens even without permission. In other cases of gardens and the culture of community gardens being saved, communities came together to protect their green spaces, advocating for their preservation and even legal recognition as public parks.

These gardens are not just about growing produce or flowers — they are about fostering connections. In a city as diverse and busy as New York, community gardens provide a rare opportunity for people from all walks of life to come together and interact in a shared space. Whether it's through volunteer work, shared meals, or cultural events, these gardens serve as bridges that span divides of race, class, and background. Most people in the city don't have easy access to spaces like Central or Prospect park which, while being beautiful parks, cannot and shouldn't be some of the only green spaces in New York City, not to mention they're not very ecologically productive.

Another thing not all people in the city have access to is healthy, fresh produce. These gardens play a vital role in addressing some pressing urban issues, such as food insecurity and environmental sustainability. So many neighborhoods in New York City can qualify as food deserts, a place in which "it is difficult to buy affordable or good-quality fresh food" (Oxford Languages), community gardens can serve as an amazing source of nutritious foods. Additionally, by promoting organic gardening practices and green infrastructure, these gardens contribute to the city's efforts to combat climate change, capture rainwater and the runoff, improve air quality, and improve quality of life.

Community gardens can often become platforms for education and empowerment. A lot of the gardens in the city offer workshops on topics like gardening techniques, healthy cooking, and environmental stewardship, empowering residents to take control of their own food systems and health outcomes. For marginalized communities and areas — think about the Bronx which has been historically neglected, especially when it came to food sources and green space — these gardens can be sources of empowerment and resilience. This is an especially important aspect of community gardens because marginalized peoples are often the ones who feel climate change the most and providing them with the power to fight back against it while simultaneously providing for themselves in a myriad of ways will better all of our lives.

In recent years, the role of community gardens in NYC has continued to evolve, especially post-COVID. They are increasingly recognized not only as spaces for leisure and recreation but also as essential components of sustainable urban development. People began to recognize how important these spaces are after being cooped up and kept away from green space for so much time. These gardens also reemphasized the importance of community after the pandemic. City agencies, nonprofits, and grassroots organizations are collaborating to expand access to green space and promote community gardening as a tool for social, economic, and environmental justice.

The community garden movement in New York City is a testament to the power of grassroots activism, social solidarity, and environmental stewardship. From their humble beginnings in the 1970s to the present day, these gardens have grown into vibrant centers of community life, offering not only fresh produce but also opportunities for education, empowerment, and social connection. As the city continues to grapple with the challenges of urbanization and inequality, community gardens stand as beacons of hope and remind us of the importance of cultivating not only plants but also communities.

[chyornaya-koshka]

I'm not the person who sent the ask, but I want to chime in with my personal takeaway. I used to follow you on my other blog and would frequently check on your new posts because they offered me either great insight or, in case of difference of opinion, an interesting perspective to ponder. As anon says, your ability to articulate things on your mind is impressive, but what's more is that the topics you choose to tackle are at the top of the food chain. One thing is to pick the low-hanging fruit and cry about male degeneracy for the hundredth time, another thing entirely is to address the issues within the in-group (radical feminists, in this case) that get tucked under the rug as if they're insignificant.

Your understanding of underlying trauma behind emotional outbursts immediately caught my interest, because it was pitiful to watch radfem blog #1 have a shit flinging session with radfem blog #2 because one of them used a negative word to describe the other. The outrage you received for calling a certain group of women 'pigs' and your honest response to it went a long way in helping me form my own stance on the topic. Most people are myopic and struggle to see what lies behind emotion-driven actions of others or the consequences of said actions, thus these people are paralyzed when it comes to actually solving the issue at hand.

Another thing I want to mention is that your words reach more women than you would think. Due to how helpful your - especially older - posts were in my own journey, I didn't want to withhold that information from other communities, so I played the role of the messenger and carried your words over on several occasions. The right people were very receptive to hearing your musings. Actually, not only were they receptive, they were HUNGRY to have their suspicions validated. Here's a piece of the feedback that this post of yours received:

I also remember I paraphrased this post and left a comment under a Youtube video because it fit the general theme. People were leaving likes in the hundreds and commenting their "thank you"s to me (by proxy to you), so that should about tell you everything you need to know in regards to whether or not your work is worthy of someone else's time. Sometimes all it takes is to have one person point out a certain fallacy and it all clicks.

I take a risk every time I choose not to dilute my complicated speech, like right now, because it does come off as pretentious, although no one has complained so far

What you consider pretentiousness is actually charm by definition. It makes a far less compelling point to say, "male bad, female good" rather than spinning something that is both intellectually stimulating and sophisticated like, "the concept of maleness is what harms the female". I think it's easy to conclude which of these statements has depth and would be carried over to an actual discussion instead of being hung up as a placard in the circus. Even on the off-chance that I am mistaken and it is perceived as pretentiousness�� well, Valerie is celebrating in her grave:

"The conflict, therefore, is not between females and males, but between SCUM -- dominant, secure, self-confident, nasty, violent, selfish, independent, proud, thrill-seeking, free-wheeling, arrogant females, who consider themselves fit to rule the universe, who have free-wheeled to the limits of this society' and are ready to wheel on to something far beyond what it has to offer -- and nice, passive, acceptingcultivated', polite, dignified, subdued, dependent, scared, mindless, insecure, approval-seeking Daddy's Girls."

Anyway, your blog, alongside a couple other blogs that dragged me out of my mental hell, has served its purpose beyond what you can imagine, and I am glad that something pushed me to check back in because the lovely anon and your answer inspired me to write this mini love letter, which I've been meaning to do eventually anyway.

Thank you for sharing what goes on behind the scenes. This was a great read and I loved comparing notes between your methodology and my own.

If you don’t mind me asking, how old are you? I get the sense that you’re older based on your posts, but going by your most recent post, you seem to imply that you’re still a teenager. If that’s true, I am very impressed by how knowledgeable you are at such a young age.

How did you get so articulate? What did you read? Did you take classes in high school? Did you have a mentor? did you have a life-changing conversation with somebody? I would love to know more about your process of getting to where you are now.

Hey :) I'm kind of surprised that people choose to compliment me at all since I'm calling people names on here and such, I think I'm a nasty person overall... I'm in my early twenties currently, so I'm certainly not a teenager, but I'm still at an age where my opinions get dismissed and it has taken me significant effort to start taking my concerns seriously. In the post you are referring to, I was talking about people who equate polarizing opinions to those of an immature teenager, which hints at the fact that people grow out of their rebellious phase and expect others to become just as compliant with age… I don't consider my opinions (especially on pregnancy) to be rebellious in the first place, to me they are common sense and I'm genuinely disgusted by the fact that many adult women continue to perpetuate the same rhetoric that has harmed me as a teenager.

I've never received any higher education, and I barely ever attended high school, so if you find my writing skill compelling it can be the proof that all you need is yourself and a willingness to learn. I'm not sure if I what I have is innate talent because I did read a lot as a child, which probably explains my vocabulary, and I'm not exactly a prodigy since my early writing is still as primitive as it gets for someone who is just starting out. My writing process is not effortless either and I go through a lot of drafts or even variations of the same sentence until I'm satisfied with it. What I know to be innate to myself is my overall interest in reading and writing, it is something I spend a lot of time doing and my proficiency makes sense to me that way. I suppose, I'm still not at my fullest potential because I limit myself to mentally taxing topics... Much of the difficulty I encounter comes down to the fact that the things I talk about are extremely personal and often require more reflection from me than I'm ready for; this is the reason I'm yet to post some of the questions I promised to answer. When it comes to my writing skill, I would be lying if I said that public education did nothing for it because it did lie down the foundation, just that I draw my understanding from other subjects and cannot recommend a reading list because I was taught them in person. My approach to writing is based on my knowledge of cognitive reframing and I would have to write a book myself to explain how I apply it. Weirdly enough, I attribute my eloquence to fanfiction since it's what I used to read the most of, and some of it is genuinely high quality — for example, I think this story is very poetic, especially the last paragraph. The same can be said about fantasy games where I would pay attention to the flowery language in quest text and dialogue; my learning experience has been unconventional at best.

I thought it would be helpful if I recited what I do directly... My writing process is as follows:

Receive a question or get interested in an idea, draft the first thing that comes to mind. Write until I don't feel like it anymore. Usually this is no longer than one sentence.

Come back to the draft when I feel like it and let my imagination run its course while I look at the prompt. At this point, the draft is a mixture of coherent ideas and incoherent sentence stumps I then proceed to flesh out within the confines of the main topic. This is the stage where I figure out the structure and the general theme of whatever I'm writing. I narrow down the essence of what I'm being asked about, write until I figure out the closing paragraph, break down the draft into connected sub-topics and come up with a title for each paragraph as well as the entire piece. For this answer, I titled the first paragraph "Why I wrote what I did and my attitude towards it", the second & third paragraph "My education and writing process" and the fourth paragraph "My advice and why I haven't given up yet". I titled the answer as a whole "My age and my writing process" which is kind of odd, it probably means there's something I have to reflect on in regards to my age... While drawing up a plan like that is common writing advice I would give regardless, grounding myself with a simplified idea is even more important to me because I do not write sentences consecutively. The first draft of the previous sentence quite literally was "is important to me because I do not write sentences consecutively." with the dot, meaning that I knew it would be the last part of the sentence and that there was something I was supposed to trace it back to before I could finish it. This goes for the entirety of my writing process and I will often start a sentence from the middle, write different paragraphs one sentence at a time or even write an entire paragraph backwards. It can be hard to keep track of the structure when you write the way I do, so having a grounded idea I can always refer back to is the solution for me.

Continue to refine the draft along the guidelines I established until I'm satisfied with it — this doesn't mean that it's perfect even by my own standards, I often leave awkward wording as is because I know when to move on from a creative block. What matters to me is that it communicates the ideas of the sub-topics and fully conveys my point.

The most important thing I've learned ever since I committed to writing is that I am at my best when I write for myself. I would go as far as to say that I'm at my best when I write about myself, that way I absolve myself of the responsibility that accompanies external topics. I no longer burden myself with articles and statistics which may or may not be inaccurate, I talk about my own improvement and I know what it has been well enough to not be bothered by people disputing it. Even as I'm answering this question, my focus is on my personal enjoyment so that it remains the motivation I can look back at; I don't believe it to be remotely unfair, it is reliable. People move on and people get disinterested, my audience could leave due to personal circumstances and it would be no one's fault. By being my own standard of quality, I get to be consistent with my work and both me and the reader benefit that way. Other than that, my straightforward advice is to trust the process and to not be afraid to take risks with your writing. Stylistically, the list I made has to be limited to impersonal descriptions to be consistent, but I went on a personal tangent in the second point anyway — so what? Taking this liberty was what inspired me to finish the list at all, which I'm not going to complain about. I take a risk every time I choose not to dilute my complicated speech, like right now, because it does come off as pretentious, although no one has complained so far. Generally speaking, there are no real social risks to take with writing because intelligence is already hard to come by, the people who value it will appreciate the effort regardless and the people who don't could never be catered to in the first place. The only "risk" I can imagine anyone taking is the risk of being disappointed in one's abilities and the fear of never amounting to one's aspirations, but even that is temporary because creative skills always improve so long as you practice. I'm personally well past the point of doubt because people have seen me at my worst too many times by now, that ship has sailed for me... My aspirations rely on my ability to articulate myself, so I don't lack motivation when it comes to improvement. The enjoyment I get from completing a piece allows me to persevere through the many challenges the writing process entails.

[xaharadesert]

Return to the Lazaret Alone Pt. 2 - Headcanon

Portia Devorak x MC

A/N: Part 2/6 for @snarkfinnsoup! Part 1 was posted a little while ago for anyone who wants to read Julian’s part! Lucio’s up next :) Requests are open!

TW: Lazaret, mentions of death, relationship insecurities, anxiety, crying, isolation, food mention

🧡Portia🧡

When she first woke up and noticed you weren’t by her side, she didn’t think much of it

Frankly, you were both very busy people, and as much as she would love to spend her mornings with you, sometimes it just wasn’t possible

A small part of her was worried, though

She didn’t like fighting with you in the first place, but the longer you two went without resolving things, the worse she felt

She made herself a mental note to work things out peacefully with you that evening after work, but aside from that, she didn’t put much thought into the matter

Unfortunately she didn’t see you around the palace that day, which was a bit odd

She would usually bump into you at least once, on purpose or not

But today she had no such luck, which only made her heart ache more

By the time the sun began to set she was downright anxious

Her throat felt tight and the tears seemed to be building up behind her eyes as she rushed home, ready to just throw herself into your arms and apologize, regardless of who was right or wrong during the argument

When you weren’t there when she first got home, she tried to rationalize and assumed you were being held up at work

So she took the time to start making dinner, as well as a fresh batch of cookies to go with her apology

However, you didn’t come home at all that night

Portia was heartbroken, but she understood that maybe you just needed some space to sort out your own feelings before talking to her

She knew you were more than welcome to stay in the palace or with Asra, so she wasn’t super worried about where exactly you were, only that you felt you needed to isolate yourself

She decided she would find you and give you the best apology ever tomorrow, no matter how much you tried to avoid her

But she didn’t see you again the next day, and by then she knew that something would have to be horribly wrong for you to stay away that long

Your relationship was built on mutual trust and communication, and for you to avoid her like this was practically unheard of

She asked Nadia for a bit of time off, which she was fortunately given, and searched all of your regular spots around Vesuvia

But it seemed that you weren’t in any of them, and your friends didn’t seem to know where you were either

Clearly this called for more drastic measures

As much as she hated to trouble her, Portia knew that Nadia was a good friend of yours as well, and would be more than willing to spend resources on finding you

Nadia spread the message to her guards and soldiers that you were missing, and that they should keep an eye out for you and return you to the palace as soon as possible

However, this only worked after a few days, when you were already coming back to the palace, and more specifically, to Portia, on your own

By that time Portia was fully panicking, constantly crying and struggling to get any work done

Nadia had obviously given her more time off, and Julian had come to stay with her out of concern, but none of that changed the fact that you were missing and she felt like she had caused it

If you had been hurt or taken because you had run off because of your fight together, she would never forgive herself

So when she finally saw you walk back in the door, she immediately threw herself into your arms with enough force to topple you both to the floor

Tears were streaming down her face and she was wailing apology after apology, overwhelmed by a mix of both guilt and happiness

Honestly, as upset as you probably were about your argument, this might just have upset you more

You would have to be soulless to not feel terrible about how much she was crying

It would take an hour at least for her to calm down enough to talk to you properly about what had happened, and then at least three more for you to get your story out between her tears and questions

When you confirmed that you had left for the Lazaret because you felt bad about your argument, she was crying out apologies all over again, but if you mentioned any of the underlying insecurities you felt about your relationship, she would freeze up, not quite knowing what to do

She always did her best to communicate with you, but she had missed any signs of anxiety toward your relationship that you had had

This only made her feel worse, but she vowed that she would smother you in so much love that you would never ever be able to doubt your relationship again

Of course, there were other parts of your explanation that left her worried, but she wasn’t quite sure how to address them yet

She didn’t understand why you would want to spend your time isolated at the Lazaret, a place where you had literally died

But she didn’t know enough about magic and coming back from the dead to question it, so she left the topic alone for now

At the moment, she needed to focus on making you feel as loved as possible, and working with you to strengthen your communication about your relationship

But for someone as stubborn and as in love as her, it would be a piece of cake

[essseateatarot]

Tarot bits - When the cards speak of your SELF-ESTEEM (Part I)

And help you take care of yourself, deal with body issues, anxiety, and improve your self-confidence.

Tarot cards are not just for love readings! Actually, they work at their best when we allow them to answer empowering questions that can really put the spotlight on matters of self-love and self-acceptance.The first topic I would like to touch on in this series of posts is body issues. It's not just a women's concern as popularly believed, everyone more or less goes through these stages of not feeling good enough and I can assure you that I had a lot of questions related to insecurity about one's own appearance asked by men during tarot sessions. The subject also popped up when doing some shadow work for clients as some of the cards discussed below called attention to the relationship with the body in the "shadow" position, as I will observe next.

When talking about body issues in tarot, the first card that comes to my mind is the Ace of pentacles. We all know that the pentacles suit relates to everything material and earthy, so they have a lot to do with the physical realm, including health. When we draw the Ace of pentacles as a piece of advice in a tarot reading it definitely puts the focus on the need to nurture our body and take care of it. The card highlights that we should consider starting a new fitness routine or that have made the decision recently: the aces are all about beginnings, so it looks like a moment in our life when we are making our well-being a top priority. It's time to do something for ourselves and to feel good in our skin. This includes eating proper food, possibly counting macros, and being more aware of what we put in our bodies and how we fuel it. When we take care of the vessel of our soul, we work more efficiently in our everyday activities; there's a link between nutrition and the energy levels that allows us to perform our "duties" or work, that is what pentacles are also about. Basically, this card is a call for awareness, realizing that our body is the "temple of the soul", a vehicle to manifest abundance in our life and key to our overall well-being.When some time ago I had this card appear in the "shadow" position during a reading for a client, I really thought this person had to take more care of his body; interestingly, it turned out instead that he was a fitness addict, and that he was already exercising a lot. He was really concerned about his body shape since he was turning fifty. So I realized that the message of the card was even deeper: it was a call for self-acceptance. That little belly sticking out we seem never to get rid of no matter how much we train? We may at some point reach that goal, but for now, it's part of who we are. The Ace of pentacles tells us to embrace our "abundance" in every sense, even - and especially - the parts of the body we reject. For this to happen our mind needs to be okay with it and we should develop more tolerance for our imperfections, even though this doesn't mean we should not try to improve our body shape or give up our fitness goals.

The core lesson of the Ace of pentacles can be summarized as: "embrace your abundance". It addresses body positivity. By putting in the work you can implement some changes but remember to be grateful for what the body does for you and that every change is a process. Having a healthy relationship with our body doesn't mean that we don't have to join a gym necessarily, we may just need to remember that the body needs a little movement and to pay attention to any issues with overeating or restricting our diet too much, or other bad habits that do us harm. Pentacles are also about stability and I personally think that, apart from feeling motivated to achieve a certain body goal, they speak of the importance of maintaining a stable weight, since too many fluctuations can damage our health. On the other hand, it's a reminder that our worth doesn't change with those fluctuations, and here's another lesson of the pentacles suit. These cards are all about value and worth, often specifically relating to the sense of self-worth. Balance is the keyword, and by this, I mean balance of body, mind and soul, which opens the way to achieve self-healing and have a feeling of personal wholeness.The Ace of pentacles reminds us to exercise, sleep enough, hydrate, and ground ourselves. Since it's an earthy suit, enjoying the earth barefoot and taking walks in nature are also a way to keep the body moving and breathe some fresh air that will make us feel better and renewed. When it comes to addressing our physical wellbeing, we shouldn't forget that this suit points to the healing benefits of nature as well.

***Coming next >>> When tarot cards speak of your self-esteem: the Four of pentacles***

[drenvs3000w24]

Hi Alayna!

Yes part of not doing harm does have to do with marginalized communities but also the possibility of further damage to the environment.

Human example: A load minority preaching that veganism will "save the planet", the blanket statement sounds fine. But then there is the northern part of Canada having the highest rates of food insecurity in the country along with indigenous peoples being confronted for carrying out cultural practices (I believe everyone's culture should be respected). I do think statements or preaching like this can at times border on eco-facism which I think should be more openly spoken about among students studying the environmental sciences.

Environmental example: The production of making solar panels and batteries for EVs also requires mining which already has many impacts on the environment. I am neutral on this stance, I'm not for or against it is what we have to work with at the moment, I just acknowledge that the solution still has a negative impact in the production.

When discussing environmental matters (this should also apply to most topics) with friends and family, I try to meet people on the same level and build from there. As someone privileged to receive a university education I like to keep in mind that "school may not be for everyone but learning is". When discussing the environment and addressing issues I feel it is more important to be factual and informative rather than emotional as this can contribute to diagnosis like climate anxiety and depression among youth.

I hope that filled some holes that may have been in my post. Happy to answer any question! :)

Blog 2: My role in the environment 

My role in the environment 

*I have highlighted captions that introduce some of the paragraphs content* 

Although I do not plan to pursue a career in environmental interpretation, I will discuss how I will apply environmental interpretation techniques to my relationship with the environment and potentially to my future professional endeavors in this post. 

I don’t want to cause harm when fixing a problem 

As an environmental interpreter, my ideal job would be to offer a humanist perspective on the earth, since it is incapable of defending or speaking for itself. In this instance, the terms "humanist" and "humanism" refer to the advocacy of an ethical life approach toward the natural environment. Consider if a solution would negatively impact other beings.  

Be aware of what is being done 

Processes regarding the protection of the environment seem to be overlooked by the general public. I don’t mean to say the current situation is perfect, but efforts are made to conserve and mitigate impacts. Finding a realistic co-existence of human (we already do this but the thought behind the comments is based on the context of exchange) and natural environment.  

Ask questions. How do you understand the topic? Consider all outcomes. 

What actions are required of humans by the environment? achieving more carbon neutrality? Moving away from energy sources that produce emissions? What is eco-friendly's cost-benefit ratio? Do solar panels produce more waste than energy that is efficient? Every option and alternative needs to be considered. These questions should be asked of anyone who is passionate about the environment. Being an environmental activist and advocate involves more than just picketing; it also involves raising awareness and coming up with solutions. I became aware of the extent to which lobbyist groups influence the political process and, consequently, the potential impact of environmental stewardship through my involvement with an environmental consultant. Those who are environmental activists tend to ignore this element.  

In natural interpretation, it's critical to identify environmental issues and devise remedies that will both enhance the situation of a particular problem and avoid having a detrimental effect on others. 

Manage expectations, be realistic, be critical

As a Canadian I also try to be aware of the realism of popular solutions and how effective they can be in Canada. An example I’ll use is the use of EVs (Electric Vehicles) many Canadian cities are very far apart which can cause an issue with charging availability and another looked-over factor some parts of Canada are too cold for EVs to start. In a role as a natural interpreter I believe it is not only important to understand science but also to understand the socio-economics and reality of how humans make improvements for the environment. 

In my approach of natural interpretation I want to include understanding the livelihood of others when coming up with solutions.

This concludes the second blog on how I see my role as an interpreter. Please let me know if you relate on some topics and how you see your role.

Thank you :)

[monomonomagines]

I really hope this is okay to ask for but it's totally fine if not. Could I get Makoto, Hajime, Chiaki, Nagito, Ibuki, Kaede, Rantaro, and Kokichi with a trans masc s/o who's feeling really down and insecure about his voice/softer features? Like, maybe was feeling pretty good about passing but the got called ma'am a lot throughout the day so he starts withdrawing and getting quieter or something like that. Thanks either way, I'm loving all that you've been writing so far!

Wow, I'm so honored to hear that you've enjoyed my writing. I'm not great at accepting compliments but hearing that really made my day. I hope this will maybe make your day as well anon and if anything isn't to your liking feel free to tell me!

Makoto

This is a literal sunshine boy. If you're feeling down about anything he won't give up until you feel better.

He loves everything about you but can understand how your softer features can be upsetting.

However, like you, he thinks you're passing just fine. He knows it actually and he'll do whatever he can to make you realize it too.

So what you may have some softer features? There are men that are born men that he's completely mistaken for a woman so you must be on the right track since he's never done that with you.

You might get a weird lecture on how you're perfectly passable despite what anyone else says but it's just him trying to make you feel better.

If he can't convince you though, he'll do his best to cheer you up another way he can.

It might be getting you your favorite foods and putting a movie on at home while he gives you words of comfort, or if you're way too down for his liking he might drag you outside to do something fun like mini-golf or laser tag.

Either way like I said he isn't stopping until he cheers you up! He isn't the greatest at understanding what troubles you but he always does his best to learn more to help where he can.

Hajime

He's a lot calmer than Makoto, as in he'll simply sit you down to ask you to elaborate on what's troubling you and letting you cry if you need to on him.

He wouldn't be as clueless as Hajime since he normally learns a lot through helping others but he's calm enough to ask you to explain if he can't understand any part of your issue.

Once he's sure he understands what your issue is he feels awful for you. He just doesn't understand why people can't see you as you are and will do his best to comfort.

He won't force you to cheer up or be like Makoto but he will hold you and give you words of assurance as he holds you to his chest.

He isn't against doing something casual like videogames to cheer you up or putting on a favorite of yours but that won't happen until he's sure you're good.

Then he's trying to do everything he can to take your mind off of what's ailing you all while telling you time to time how he thinks you pass just fine.

Chiaki

She's normally too sleepy to deal with a lot but seeing you upset will immediately wake her up.

She'll want to know what's up and won't fully get it at first.

It's not that she doesn't understand your gender orientation or anything about being trans, she just really doesn't get how anyone would make such an obvious mistake as to call you mam.

She won't do much but like Hajime, she'll give you lots of words of comfort and hold you to her.

If you don't feel better after all that she'll simply pull out a ton of fun games together and let you choose whatever one you want.

She'll even let you be player 1 or use her favorite controller, whatever makes you happy.

In the end, you'll know she cares and thinks you pass just fine. It won't seem like she's just trying to cheer you up either. She believes in you being you and knows you'd do the same for her if she had similar issues.

Nagito

Someone upset you and he's upset as well.

How could anyone do that to his hope? His obviously male hope nonetheless!

He might be a bit rude towards whoever made the mistake if anything happens when he's with you but he means well.

He's just him. He's him and he respects your gender and wants others to see you as what you are.

He'd immediately understand from reading up on the subject as soon as you two started dating and is furious that someone would make you doubt if you were passing.

He thought you were beautiful as you were, even if you had some more gentle features. He by no means looks manly himself so if anyone should be getting called mam he thinks it should be him and not you.

Regardless though he'll remove yourselves if possible and drag you out to buy you whatever you want.

He wants to cheer you up and will do whatever, like Makoto to help.

If that doesn't help though he'll go into a more serious mode where he acts more like Hajime and Chiaki, holding you and letting you cry.

He'll spoil you rotten afterwards even more. He'll get whatever you want for food. you can sleep with him tonight, you can have whatever you want. You could even hit him and he'd let you not that you would.

He just wants to make you feel better at any cost so he'll be more extreme than Makoto but don't worry, he won't force you to be. He wants to genuinely make you smile by the end of the day at least.

Ibuki

Aw yeah! Ibuki in the house!

This girl is a little ditzy at times so she might not notice at first if you are upset so things could go two ways.

You could tell her or wait until she does realize.

Regardless, once she does realize she is all over you.

She's being her usual hyper self, playing music for you and talking your ear off to distract you.

She is the least educated on this topic though so she'll be a little clueless with how to approach the situation otherwise.

She'll make sure you know you're loved just as you are more than really tell you how you're super manly or something to her but she does think you are.

She just probably won't think to say it until she ends up getting hit with the thought of, 'Hey I should tell S/o he's super manly and cool!'

The only issue is, this most likely occurs at sometime at 3 AM when you're not together and then she'll immediately call you like it's an emergency to tell you just that.

She'll ramble on after about some unrelated things once she's done telling you how manly and amazing you are but she's trying.

Before that she'll just perform all day for you and even ask you to tell her more so she can write an extra special song just for you!

If you're still down by the next day she'll have that song ready and waiting.

She'll probably even make an mp3 of it just for you to listen to it whenever you do feel self-conscious about any of your more gentle features.

Kaede

Another great but clueless girl. She's not uneducated on purpose but she just isn't as knowledgable as someone like Hajime.

Regardless she'll try her hardest to help soothe you with your own personal concert.

It's the usual stuff she plays but it's filled with enough emotion that her love for you somehow is felt in each note.

She would want you to feel calmed and at ease so that she can question you about your problem more before fully approaching it.

Once she's sure she understands though she'll be a lot like Makoto as in she'll drag you out of the house to do all sorts of fun things.

She may even keep insisting to take pictures a lot to do something like uploading a bunch of posts about how great of a boyfriend you are.

She wants you to see how you two look together and how you pass as a male to her and all her friends.

She'd hope it helps you appreciate every trait of yours but if it didn't she'd turn to smothering you with affection.

She'd even stay the night with you if it'd help you and tell you the entire time how amazing she thinks you truly are.

Like Ibuki and Nagito, nothing sounds forced or as though they're just trying to cheer you up so there are no doubts but there really isn't with any of these teens.

Rantaro

One of the calmer out of the bunch. Rantaro would simply pull you aside as soon as he realizes something is wrong.

He'd notice so quickly that you wouldn't even have to explain that something is troubling. All you'd need to do is tell him what's going on and he'd be the most understanding.

He knows he's pretty feminine himself so he gets what it's like to feel misgendered and would want to make you feel better more than anything.

His methods would mostly be letting you cry it out while holding you and petting your hair.

But expect to go shopping afterward!

Rantaro is going to, like Nagito, spoil you to no end.

Want that great ensemble in the window of that expensive store? Done. Want a new videogame? You get it.

It doesn't matter what it is he'll buy it as long as it'll cheer you up.

He'll also insist that you stay with him so that he can stay by your side as you get a chance to enjoy your spoils.

He's more of a fashion person but if you got anything like food, a movie, or a game, he'd be open to trying it out with you without any hesitation at all.

He'll do anything for you and tell you as often as possible how amazing you are to him.

Kokichi

As usual, Kokichi isn't great at expressing himself to others due to his own secretive nature. However, that doesn't mean your issue goes unnoticed.

Kokichi isn't manly by any means but he's not as hurt if anyone ever somehow mistakes him for the other gender so it may seem as though he wouldn't be able to understand.

However, he somehow knows before you even say anything what's troubling you.

He's great at reading people so he probably knew of this problem for a while before really addressing it.

Now that you're so down though he'll want to cheer you up. It'll be in his own annoying ways and he won't sing your praises as much but you can tell he means well.

He'll try to make you laugh more than anything by telling a bunch of dumb jokes and memes to you or even by messing with people on the streets just for funsies.

Despite his questionable methods, he's great at what he does and will probably succeed at making you laugh a lot that day.

Once you two are behind closed doors he'll be a bit more serious but don't count on much.

He may start out snuggling you and telling you that he really thinks you're manly and that it's not a lie but soon after he'll go back to his previous antics.

He'll just be goofy and childish until it rubs off on you too.

Somehow though it all he makes you understand that you are perfect the way you are without even explicitly stating it.

What a powerful boy. Good thing he's on your side.

[quackeroos]

the parker therapy | p.parker

Pairing: peter parker x reader

Summary: (PREQUEL TO “LOCKER NOTES” . How Y/n started to have feelings for Peter.)  y/n is having a bad day. peter coincidentally meets her on the rooftop and offers her a little heart-to-heart conversation about their past experiences and connect with each other. 

Warnings: None

Words: 3.9k 

Notes: originally posted on my wattpad account @aestheticarii. i’ll most likely post some of my other works on here soon! i’m contemplating if i should make this into a mini-series since i’ve been getting a lot a requests for part 3 of locker notes on wattpad, AO3, and tumblr. lemme know if you guys want me to make this into a mini-series! enjoy this long imagine <3

General Masterlist | Series Masterlist

Y/n is easily irritated. She gets irritated by a lot of things, but she was patient. She would keep it to herself and eventually, it would all go away when she finally gets to lock herself up in her room. But today wasn't one of those days that were bright and sunny, and where she could still maintain her temper. Because somehow, Liz had managed to rattle her so early in the morning.

Y/n disliked being around her cousin. The reason would either be because of her popularity or the fact that they are related. Or maybe it was both? Y/n after all, hated the fact that she too was popular in Midtown High. After transferring to Midtown for high school, Y/n was immediately pulled to her cousin's friend group, instantly gaining more friends than she had planned. Not only friends, but everyone knew her name.

It all started when her first class rolled in. She was already bombarded by a dozen of questions by her other members in the homecoming committee: Should the banner be this big? How much should we be selling the tickets? Are we really gonna push through with the 80s theme? God, it was too much to handle at 8 in the morning! They were like mosquitoes circling around her, buzzing constantly in her ear.

In Physical Education, Flash was hitting on her. Well, trying to hit on her. The guy was a hopeless case. He never gives up. He was always asking her out every other day, or whenever a recent girlfriend of his would break up with him. It was getting annoying, but Y/n was starting to get used to it. Flash was a coward when it came to authority figures, so Y/n used that to her advantage, being part of the student government and all.

Next was Chemistry. Last week's exam had been given out, and she was proud to see the number 97 written in red. But her pride soon diminished after Mr. Nelson announced the student with the highest score, and it was definitely not her. Peter Parker; the kid she envied. She knew Peter since last year from the same class, he seated behind her during Chem. Liz also mentioned him a couple of times; how she thinks the boy has a crush on her. He did though. Y/n wasn't blind, she caught him staring their way countless of times whenever she walked with her cousin.

Pathetic, she thought.

Now that's another thing why she disliked the Parker boy. He's one of Liz' puppy dog admirers. Everyone in the school practically worships her. Sooner or later he was gonna ask her to give him a boost — wouldn't be the first time anyway.

God, how she wished high school was over. Then she could move upstate, away from Liz and her weird Uncle.

It was during lunch time Y/n had the last straw. She decided to sit alone, work on a few of her notes, and finish planning the decorations for homecoming. But that was until Flash Thompson, Betty Brant, Liz and her other friends take the unoccupied seats at her table. "Thank for saving us a seat Cuz!" the tanned girl greeted, setting down her lunch tray as she takes the seat beside her. Soon, the whole homecoming committee was soon crowding at her table. It irked her that a number of people were inside her personal bubble, and so Y/n raised her attention towards Liz, not putting on any filter with what she has to say.

"What are you doing here?" she seethed out.

"All the tables are taken and we noticed you were sitting alone. We figured we'd accompany you." She smiled sweetly.

"I'm perfectly fine being alone, Liz. And aren't you supposed to be having a meeting about the materials?

"We already finished that when the sub didn't show up for English." she replied nonchalantly whilst eating the lunch she had bought.

She was about to dismiss the topic and continue with her lunch, but something caught her eye. "Is that my skirt?" pointing towards the piece of clothing Liz was wearing. Her eyes directed towards the skirt and chewed on her food.

"Oh yeah, about that, I found it in my closet. Mom must've mixed up our clothes while doing the laundry. Sorry for not telling you earlier. I couldn't find anything to match the top."

"I've been looking for those for ages. You could've told me you had it for some time now!" she whisper shouted, not wanting to attract the attention of her peers, Liz' peers rather. It was between them after all. But unfortunately they did, and the chatter died down, attention now directed towards the two.

"I don't really see the point of this argument, Y/n. We use to share everything when we were kids, what changed now?"

"Exactly, we were kids. We're teens now so there's a difference. And the fact that you didn't even bother to tell me you had it the whole time?"

"Why are you getting so worked up by a skirt? If you have some kind of grudge against me, just say it."

Everyone in the cafeteria was quiet, all eyes on them. Y/n could already feel their stares lingering on her, waiting for her reply. She was starting to become small under the judgmental and silent whispers the students gave her. It was starting to feel like middle school all over again for Y/n. Without even realizing she raised her tone at them. "Mind your own business!" and their eyes soon tore away from them, except for those who were at the table. Liz' friends continued their discussion, though it was obvious they were eavesdropping while silently murmuring to each other.

"Just because you and your parents are the only relatives I have left, doesn't mean I always have to confide in you." Y/n simply stated turning to fix her things and leave immediately. Before she could even leave the table Flash called out to her.

"Do you mind lending your notes for me? I have a test for history soon."

Eyes twitching, it was at that moment Y/n could've sworn she exploded right then and there. The audacity of this boy! Y/n could practically murder him right now. Was he asking for it or demanding? It sounded like the latter to her.

"Take down your own goddamn notes, Thompson!" she snapped before pushing through the doors.

Y/n walked briskly, in search for the place where she could find solace. Lucky for her, the stairway to the rooftop was unlocked. She sets down her bag beside the door and walks towards the edge, taking a seat and hanging her legs. The wind blows softly as the clouds cover the sun, giving her a perfect shade. A gentle breeze caresses her face and it tickled her a bit.

New York was beautiful up there. The outstretched view of Midtown's field spread towards the buildings and skyscrapers were enough for her to feel at peace. This might be her next favorite spot besides the library. The serene moment was short lived when the doors bursts open and slammed shut. Y/n jumped in her seat, her heart pounding as she almost slipped. She whipped her head back to the presence, ready to scream at them.

She finds the familiar face of Peter Parker, his back leaning against the door, panting and sweating. He had his backpack slung around his shoulder and in his hand a sandwich and a carton of milk. It was an odd sight for her to see Peter distressed. But her anger still remained when she addressed to him. "What are you doing here?"

Peter looked up, meeting the eyes of an annoyed girl. He was already familiar with her. How could Peter not? Almost everyone at school knows her because of Liz. Not only that, but from the scene earlier at lunch, he was pretty sure she was now the gossip in every classroom.

"Hey! Earth to human, I asked you a question, sir." She said, sass in her tone.

"Oh-uhm... I was running away from Flash." He said through heavy breaths.

"Why were you running away from Flash?"

"He was asking me for notes for the History test. And I told him No. I think what made him even more angry was when I told him to... take your advice."

Y/n's expression changed to disbelief. That was the first time she heard something unlike Flash. She knew fully well that Flash was the type to bully people because of his insecurities — Parker being his main victim, of course. But to her, he was nothing more than a scared chick.  She was silent and still before turning back to face the view, not wanting to engage more in conversation with Peter.

Unnoticed, he silently takes his place a few feet away from her. His backpack placed behind him as he takes a sip from his carton of milk. The girl ignored his presence. Back to the way she was before, admiring the view in front of her. Though there wasn't much to see. He preferred swinging through the buildings and soaring through the sky. Now that's a much better view if he were to be honest.

Attempting to make small talk, Peter placed his sandwich between them and pushed it towards her side. She flinched at the sight of a little sandwich coming towards her, bumping her side. Y/n looked at him with a confused expression. "What am I supposed to do with this?"

"You take a selfie with it."

The girl furrowed her eyebrows, looking even more confused, not getting the joke at all. Peter could already feel the embarrassment rising within himself. He coughs awkwardly placing his hands in the pockets of his hoodie. "I-I don't know why I said that. Uh-I just thought that maybe you were hungry? You didn't get to finish your lunch after all."

"I'm fine." She dismissed bitterly. Y/n didn't want to receive a pity sandwich, not when she was perfectly trying to compose herself and feel the peace around her. But to her dismay, her body seems to have a mind on it's own. A low grumble came from her stomach, and Y/n could feel the growing smirk from the boy beside her.

"It seems to me that your body disagrees with you." He teasingly remarked.

Y/n rolled her eyes, "Whatever." and takes the sandwich, unwrapping it and munching on the simple snack. They sat again in silence and Peter spoke again, this one taking Y/n aback.

"You don't always have to keep it in, you know? It's better to talk things out with someone than leaving it unresolved."

She swallowed her food before speaking, "Excuse me?"

"I meant about the fight earlier. If you have some problems, you should talk about it to someone. Just to clear your head, you know? It also takes off that heavy feeling in your chest."

"Thanks for the advice, but I don't open up to people."

"Then maybe get a therapist, a counselor, or something."

"Yeah, as if I have that kind of money? No thank you."

"How about me?"

Y/n whipped her head towards him, "What about you?"  her eyes narrowed at him.

Peter swallowed his anxiety, her eyes were making him feel nervous. It was so fierce and he feel like he was going to get pierced because of it. "Talk to me... about it?" it came out more as question rather than a suggestion. Y/n looked at him incredulously and soon giggling at the idea.

"You wanna be my therapist?"

Peter shrugged, "I don't see why not? I mean — I'm not exactly licensed, But I'm a pretty good listener so I think I'm qualified for the job."

"Nice try. But I'm not gonna talk about my feelings to a classmate who barely knows me."

"But I'm not your classmate. I'm-" He holds up his finger and turns to shuffle for something in his bag. Finding what he needed, Peter takes it and places it on the bridge of his nose, and using his marker, drawing a simple moustache on his upper lip. "Dr. Parker from Counselling."

Y/n bursts out an obnoxious laugh. She couldn't keep it in, Parker looked ridiculously stupid. She held onto the ledge to keep herself from falling. She thought, That it would be a shame if the school found out how she died: falling to her death caused by idiotic humor of a teenage boy. That wouldn't look good on paper.

"You look stupid! I'm not doing this at all, this is ridiculous!"

"Don't judge my counselling session if you haven't tried it yet, Toomes. C'mon, it's not that bad opening up to someone."

"Last time I did, my life turned to hell. Trust me, opening up will do you no good." She pulled her knees up, ready to leave. What good will it do for her if she opened up to him anyway? Her middle school life became hell because of trusting others about her feelings.

Just as she was about to stand, Peter held her wrist. "If you're scared of people finding out the things you've been keeping to yourself for so long," he slowly shakes his head. "Don't be. Every therapist and counsellor practice the act of privacy. I'm also not gonna judge you, 'coz if anything, this a free space. I want you to be comfortable with what you open up to me."

"And why do you think it's better for me to open up to you?"

"I heard that sometimes, it's better opening up to strangers. It's like there's less risk, opening up to someone who doesn't know you."

This silenced her for a moment, only staring at him deep in thought. She takes her place back beside him, smirking at the open field before meeting his eyes again. "But we aren't exactly strangers now, are we? You're a guy who goes to my class, and I'm a girl who's in yours."

"And that's all there is to it."

She stayed silent once again, not looking at him after he spoke. Peter wondered what is it that she was so deep in thought about? Was it about what he said or something else? If Peter had the chance to obtain another superpower, it would probably be telekinesis. Maybe then he could read her thoughts. He doesn't know why, but Peter was so attracted and curious to what was running inside her head every time he saw her listening intently during class and now, looking forward at the city.

"My parents died five years ago."

Peter looked up from his hands. He was not expecting that at all, nor did he expect the sudden act of opening up. Y/n doesn't look to be fazed at all. She still trained her eyes ahead and would play with the ring on her finger; removing it from its place then placing it back.

"We were driving back home after eating at this pizza place for my birthday. Then those aliens came and started attacking the city. Dad was fleeing us away from the fight. We were driving to a nearby building where we could hide when... it happened. I don't remember much but when I woke up, I saw my parents both dead and stuck under the wrecked half of our car. Iron Man got me out when he saw me under the rubble. He took me to a building and told me to hide with the other civilians. I wanted to thank him that day but I was too traumatized to even speak.

"After the funeral, Uncle Adrian took me under his wing, and started raising me as his own. Liz and I used to share the same room, which made us close. She help me get through my grief and made me feel comfortable in my new home. We were so close... Until we weren't."

Her eyes looked at the ring sorrowfully. All sentimental value held inside it, and Peter could tell she would die if it were get lost. "What changed?" he asked softly.

Y/n sighs. "By the time Liz got to high school, I was left alone in middle school. I barely got to see her at home because of all of her extra-curricular activities and new friends. I was all by myself. A lot of things happened to me during those times. And just when I got used to all of it, she comes and goes back to the way how things were before, like nothing happened.

"When I transferred to Midtown for high school, I didn't really plan on being like this. Liz started pushing me to these different school activities and introducing me to her friends, insisting that I must go wherever they go. Go shopping with them, to a cafe, study group, movie night. Yes I'll admit, they were fun, but not once did I feel comfortable under my own skin. It felt like I was living another person's life, and to be honest?"

Her head turned towards him with a sad smile on her face. "I don't even know who I am anymore. Because the last time I felt me was five years ago."

Peter felt the same. Between his superhero alter ego and him, he wasn't sure which one was the real him? Was Peter Parker either of the two identities or both in one body? And dead parents, he understood how she felt about it. He had gone through the grief too, so he knew what it felt like, to lose someone at an early age. Twice.

"I know how it feels. Losing your parents at a young age, struggling with your identity." He mumbled the last words so she wouldn't catch what he said. When she turned to look at him, Y/n could see the same expression she wore earlier, he was mirroring it. "My parent's died at a plane crash. I was five at that time. I don't remember much about them but Aunt May and Uncle Ben told me stories about them and show me their pictures. Then my Uncle died about a year ago."

The weight of their conversations dawned upon them as they sat silently beside each other. Peter could tell Y/n wanted to say something. He could hear her heart pounding faster and she kept on biting her lip, contemplating on what to say. Peter would be lying if he told himself that what she was doing was unattractive- because it actually is. The teen could feel his face heat up and his stomach felt funny. He brushed off the feeling, it was only temporary after all.

It should be temporary.

He cleared his throat to catch her attention before speaking again. "Finding yourself is hard. You said, the last time you truly felt like yourself was five years ago with your parents, right? Well then, maybe you just need to find those kinds of people again in your life. Someone who will make you feel you. Someone you feel comfortable being around with and don't feel apologetic for doing so. You don't always have to do what they say if you don't want to. Maybe Liz thought she was doing the right thing because she was trying to be a good cousin. Talk to her about it, maybe then you could find peace."

Y/n's mind processed his advice. And without even realizing, the corners of her mouth turned upward into a genuine smile, followed by a soft giggle. The sound caught Peter off guard — it was the first time he was hearing it. "You know, for a quiet nerd in my Chemistry class, you have some wise words in that brain of yours. Who knew you were also a life-guru?"

"I get some from my aunt and my best friend. Their words of wisdom rubbed off on me, I guess." he shrugged.

"Yeah well, it worked. I guess Parker Therapy isn't so bad after all."

" 'Parker Therapy'? "

"I'm not gonna call it a counseling session 'coz that's just too bland. And besides, it has a nice ring to it, right?"

"Yeah, it does."

The two teens mirrored each other's grins and seemed to be staring for at least a whole minute. The moment the bell had rung, they tore their eyes away from each other and awkwardly look towards their opposite sides.

"I should-uhm I should go. Mr. Harrington will kill me if I show up late for decathlon practice."

"R-Right, yeah. Liz mentioned it before— nationals. Uhm- good luck? I guess." Y/n's nerves were killing her. Why would she even be nervous? The same thing could be said about Peter, he was also a stuttering mess. The two stood up at the same time, and just as she was about to step down, Y/n lost her footing and started to lean backwards. And just as she thought she was going to fall, a hand caught her small back and the other held her waist.

Peter had caught her just in time.

They were close. Too close for Y/n's liking. But the rapid beating of her heart told her otherwise. Peter could hear it in his ears, but he wasn't sure if it was his heart or hers. But he could still recognize her familiar beats just behind the loud thumping of his. A blush made it's way on her cheeks when she noticed that she was gripping on his bicep, which was surprisingly big, given his shy and awkward demeanor. Peter stood her upright and held her hand until she was back down on safer ground.

"I'm g-gonna go now. Don't you have class soon?" Peter asked, masking his uneasiness and the blush that was creeping up on his cheeks by scratching his nape.

"Uh-yeah, yeah  I do. I think I'm just gonna stay here for a while though. You know, to take a breather. The teachers won't even notice I'm gone. They'll think I'm busy organizing for homecoming. So yeah... I have immunity."

The two giggle again, and Peter smiled. "Lucky you."

"Yeah, lucky me~" she cheered.

The air was silent again, and neither of them wanted to go. The two stood and the door, and Y/n swayed back and forth to maintain her sanity and calm her nerves.

"I won't tell anyone about what we talked about, so you're secret's safe with me. But you should really talk to Liz about those things." Y/n only nodded at him and bit her lip, then turning into a tight-lipped smile.

Peter mirrored her action, "I'll see you around Chem. If you ever need another Parker Therapy, Dr. Parker is always open." she giggled once again. Peter pulled the door open and craned  his neck back to look at her. "Don't be a stranger, Stranger."

Y/n rolled her eyes at the newfound nickname. "I'll see you around, Stranger."

And with that, Peter left the rooftop, taking one last glance at her before he closed the door. When the door shut, Y/n back against the flat surface and lets out a breath she didn't knew she was holding. She placed a hand on her chest and felt the fast pace of her heart, her cheeks warm, and butterflies that were fluttering in her stomach. Y/n was unfamiliar with this feeling, and the feeling only occurred to her twice in her fifteen years of living. The first, when she was in Third Grade with a kid named Noah Tucker, and the second, today. Realization dawned upon Y/n, and she couldn't help but mutter curses at herself.

She was starting to have feelings for Peter Parker.

-

enjoyed this story? let’s talk about it!

taglist (mutuals, idols, and followers <3 ):   @hollandroos @roses-hxlland @pastelpeter​ @fairytaleparker​ @hey-marlie​ @delicatepeterparker @chxrryholland @hollandcuddles @dahliaspidey @tomhollandeu hey @websliingingfarfromhaz @uwu-peter-parker-uwu @pixiehollands @screamholland @painting-galaxiis @parker-holland-osterfield @hazsterfield @tomblrholland @spiderneds @kii-miii @lolaywrites @emilykjhgsj  @painting-galaxiis @blossomholland @webslinging @tsh-darling @megaprincesscakes @parkerpeter24 @sovereignparker @andycanbeemotional @cyrusandhiscollaredahirts

sorry to those people who were supposed to be in the taglist! i’m currently organizing it coz it’s a little bit messed up.

add yourself to my taglist!

[imaginepirates]

Found and Kept

A sequal to Scarred and Scared that some of you wanted. Prepare for some fluff, because I can't help myself.

~3300 words

@bonjour-frens @tesserphantom @ilikebritsandbands @viper-official

(I've done it lads. This is original post # 420)

~~~~~~~

           "She's a pirate, sir. We caught her trying to get back to her ship and crew. She could be dangerous."

           "I'm well aware of how dangerous pirates can be, lieutenant. Send her in."

           Even behind closed doors, the voice was painfully familiar. You shifted on your feet, impatient. Either Beckett was about to sentence you to death, or by some miracle, he wasn't. You needed to get it over with. You told yourself it had nothing to do with the fact that if he decided to kill you, it would break your heart. 

           You'd taken him off the island months ago, and you'd gone your separate ways. You made sure, of course, that he had safe passage back to Port Royal with someone to help him get home. It tore at your heart to leave him in the hands of a stranger, but he assured you that he'd be alright, and he hadn't been lying. 

           In an attempt to get back to your crew, you'd gotten captured by the Navy. It scared you, but your job had always come with its dangers. If you were hung it was your own fault for being too careless. 

           The main problem was that you were a woman. There was controversy over your hanging, and you'd been left to rot in a cell for days without an answer as to whether you'd live or die. Waiting was the worst torture of all. Finally, it had been decided that Beckett would determine your sentence. After all, the man had an indiscernible moral code and an ability to give orders without being questioned. 

           The prospect had given you hope, but it was soon replaced with dread. He could still have you killed; he might not think twice about it. A man with power and a man without power were as different as night and day, and you feared you would find a complete stranger in him. 

           The doors to his study swung open, and you were admitted between two guards. Shackles chafed the skin of your wrists, and there were mottled bruises all over that hurt with every step you took. The Navy hadn't treated you nicely, but you'd brought it upon yourself with your words and actions. That didn't make the pain any easier to bear. 

           Beckett sat on a chair with a man to his right. Light dappled through large windows at the side of the room, falling over the familiar outline of his face. His hands were folded in his lap, and a cane was resting against his leg. 

           "Unchain her." Once the order was given, it was done. The officers exchanged looks, knowing well that Beckett couldn't see them. Their looks implied they thought Beckett was making a poor decision, but nobody protested. "Now," he continued. "I will ask you a question, and I will only ask it once. Your answer will determine your worth to me. Do you understand?"

           "Yes, milord," you replied. 

           There was a flicker, an instant where his expression changed, where his milky eyes got wider and his brows shot up, but it was gone as soon as it appeared. Recognition, you hoped. Please, recognize me.

           "Do you know anything about the whereabouts or intents of Jack Sparrow?"

           Your heart stopped. This was it for you. You had no idea what Jack wanted or where he was. This was the answer to your question: would Beckett kill you? "No, milord, I know nothing about him."

           "Ah. Disappointing. I rather hoped you would. Well, you're of little use, now aren't you?"

           "Shall we hang her, sir?" Asked one of the officers next to you. 

           "Oh, I never said anything about hanging. After all, there are more suitable punishments." He grinned unpleasantly, and your stomach churned. "A pirate most wants freedom. How humiliating it would be to take that away. From now on, this woman will be a personal attendant to me, and she'll do whatever I ask if she wishes to live. If she doesn't, she can take her own life if she so wants. It makes no matter to me. But remember, girl," he addressed you, "death is the only way out."

           You didn't know what to think. It felt like he was intent on punishing you, on humiliating you until you hated life enough to die. But part of you argued, and argued, and argued that he wouldn't hurt you. Not the man you knew. 

           "You're all dismissed. Leave her with me."

           "But sir…"

           "Don't question me. She won't be giving me any trouble, believe me." 

           With that, Beckett stood, and with surprising accuracy and agility, hit you hard across the ribs with his cane. 

           You screamed. It hurt, but nothing was more painful than your shock that he would hit you. The room emptied, and you were left alone on the floor to groan with Beckett standing over you. 

           "Forgive me." His voice was softer now, and when you looked up, his expression was pained. "I needed to remind them that I'm still as dangerous as I've always been. I'm sorry."

           A wave of relief hit you and you took a deep breath, which did nothing for the acute pain in your chest. "Did you have to hit me that hard?" You choked. You still couldn't even bring yourself to your knees, and tears had left red-hot trails down your cheeks. 

           "In my defense, I couldn't exactly see what I was doing."

           You laughed despite yourself, and then gasped as your ribs protested. "What exactly are you going to do with me?" 

           "You cared for me once. I hope to return the favor." He extended a hand in your direction, letting you take hold of it so he could help haul you to your feet. "I need you as my eyes. You'll have to guide me while walking, which I can do now without being held up, thanks to you. Every kindness you showed me once I wish to repay in full."

           "I thought for a moment you hadn't remembered me," you admitted. 

           He looked surprised. "How could I forget?"

           "You never saw me. I didn't know if my voice was enough."

           "The voice that I first woke up to? The voice that fed me and tended to me, the voice that kept me company and taught me to walk? Don't think I'd forget so soon." He tugged at your sleeve, and you gave him one hand while putting the other on his back. "There's a room with a bath a couple doors down. I bet you could use one. And food, and proper clothes. I'll get a maid to tend to you, if you'll let me take you."

           You led each other to the washroom. He gave you directions when you got into the hall, and you helped him walk you there. He left and a maid took his place, pitchers of steaming water in her hands. 

           The bath was sublime, and you luxuriated in it until the water turned cold. You were scrubbed clean by a servant, an experience that made you a little uncomfortable, but that you appreciated all the same. 

           A silk dressing gown awaited you when you climbed out. It was a deep blue color with waves embroidered onto it. You wondered why Beckett would own such a thing, seeing as it was made for a woman, and what occasions called for its use. The fabric pooled at your feet when you put it on, reaching the floor to cover all but the tops of your feet as you walked. With the warm breeze fluttering through the drapes, you could've been some grecian princess. You certainly felt like one with the silk sitting on your shoulders. 

           You saw that Beckett partook in all his former duties, though he worked them differently. He dictated letters instead of writing them himself, and had to use a special sort of stamp to sign documents. He was a busy man with all the power in the world back at his fingertips. 

           He often kept his eyes open, despite not being able to see. Whether it was to unnerve people or to keep himself awake, you couldn't be sure. 

           You led him when he needed to get from place to place, and were given a tour of the estate by the same servant that had bathed you. This way, you knew where to take Beckett should he want to go anywhere. 

           You didn't get to talk to him again until the evening, when he sat alone in his study. The sun was just setting, leaving the two of you in darkness. You almost asked why a candle wasn't lit at this time of night, but remembered candles didn't do much for him anymore. You lit one, silently, for yourself instead.

           "Is there anything you need, milord?" You asked. You were still supposed to work for him, after all.

           "Don't."

           "Don't what?"

           "Don't call me that. 'Milord'." He scoffed. "For God's sake, woman, you've spoon fed me when I was too weak to do so myself. You hardly need to be so formal."

           You were surprised. "Oh. Alright, then, what would you have me call you?"

           "Beckett is fine, thank you." He shifted a little in his chair, settling back. "Have you found everything to your satisfaction? I hope you're taking it easy, I did hit you pretty hard with my cane, which I feel awful for."

           "Don't worry about it."

           "I'll worry about whatever I wish."

           "Well, then, I'm flattered it's me."

           "It's the least I could do."

           You changed the topic before he said anything more. "I will say that this robe doesn't cover much."

           "A shame I can't see, then." He grinned, lip twisted by the burns. 

           You were ashamed to note that a blush rose to your face, heating up your entire head. "What thoughts are you trying to put into people's heads, exactly?"

           He continued to smile. "Oh, let people think what they like. It will keep them from knowing the truth."

           You only blushed harder, and failed when you tried to stammer out a response. 

           "Worry not," he said. "I won't be using you for that purpose."

           It was then that tea came in, served on lovely porcelain trays with colorful designs. It had been allowed to cool before being served, evident by how it was put directly in Beckett's hands. You took a minute to enjoy a few sips before continuing. 

           "How are you?" You asked. Beckett certainly looked better since you'd seen him last, not to mention, he seemed more confident. 

           "Fine. Why do you ask?" He gave you a challenging look.

           "I…" you couldn't mention his blindness without offending him, and you weren't about to ask if he was feeling less insecure. "You look better. You've put on a bit of weight since I took care of you; you hardly weighed anything then. I'm glad to see you recovering."

           He exhaled sharply through his nose. "Half of it is that they won't let me go walking. They treat me like I'm made of glass, so I'm made to sit here day after day, and a maid tentatively helps me get from room to room. It's an awful lifestyle."

           "I believe you." You would hate to be cooped up inside all day.

           "I was hoping," he said rather softly, "that you would be willing to walk with me? I'm awfully tired of not being able to go out in the garden. I used to enjoy walks, and though I often took them alone, I wouldn't object to your company, even if I had a choice."

           "Of course." It would be a good pastime for both of you. 

           "Thank you." He gave you a rather nervous smile, and you couldn't help feeling affection for the man. 

           You walked him to his room, one of his hands on your arm, the other on his cane. There you left him to his valets and went off to your own room which you'd been shown earlier. You didn't know what to make of the soft blankets and plush pillows, the fluttering curtains and large wardrobe. It was too much luxury for someone like you, and yet not enough for some. You let your robe slide to the floor and your body sink into the sheets. Enveloped in the first soft, warm bed of your life, you drifted off to sleep, your conversation with Beckett floating around in the back of your mind. 

           The morning came with new marvels. New clothes- it was another silk robe, and you could imagine Beckett smiling as he decided to give it to you- and a tray of warm food heaped onto plates. Beckett obviously had no intention of starving you, and you dug in. 

           You were permitted to wander the manor while he worked. You found many places of peace and refuge, and were sad to think that Beckett had little access to them now. A library with massive windows looking out onto the garden stood at one end of the building. A piano sat in one corner, bathed in morning light. A piece of music sat on the music rack as if someone had just been playing them. Comfortable chairs adorned the room, and two french doors led outside. You stayed for a while, letting the sun warm you through the windows and running your hands over the spines of books before you left. 

           You were back in Beckett's office by midday. He took a break from his work in the afternoons, you were told, and he'd called for you. 

           "I hope you enjoy the new robe I've found for you," he said when you entered. 

           There was nobody else there, so you felt a little less embarrassed about the comment than you might have otherwise. "I'll admit that it's comfortable. Showy, but comfortable." This robe was of a light pink with lace at the sleeves. Its plunging neckline and thin fabric kept little to the imagination. 

           "Oh, I'm sure you've already scandalized most of my servants. Ah, well." He beckoned you over to help him out of his chair. "How about that walk you promised me? I'm sure my complexion could use the sun."

           You rolled your eyes at that, but guided him down the halls anyway. You looked forward to spending time with him, you knew. You felt like you shouldn't, but then thought of the affection he showed you, and you enjoyed his company all the more. 

           "Have you read all the books in your library?" You asked. You were headed there, it having the easiest access to the gardens. 

           "I admit that I haven't, though I always intended to. I've read most of them by now. It's a shame I won't be able to read them again." He went quiet, and in the silence you could hear his sadness. 

           "You played piano, too."

           "That I can still do. Learning by ear is hard, yes, and I don't have many people to listen to, but it can be done." 

           "I'm glad for that, at least." You rounded a corner and led him into the room. You had a sudden notion then, and voiced it. "I could read to you, you know. I can read."

          He looked at you in interest. "Have you read any of the classics?"

           You were ashamed to admit that you hadn't. There was no way for you to have had access to them, of course, but it reminded you of how much you didn't belong to this new life where people were well educated and well-bred. 

           "I think you'd enjoy them." He furrowed his brow. "Antigone, to start with, I think. You'd enjoy it most. Though it does have a backstory- Oedipus- that you could read, but I have a feeling it would disgust you, and I can't have that be your first reaction to Greek writing."

           "You could summarize the backstory for me."

           He averted his gaze. "And you'd let me have an excuse to spend more time with you?"

           "Only if you let me have the same."

           His eyes went wide at your words. He quickly recovered himself, however, and schooled his face into its regular expression. "Antigone is on the second shelf of the third case. If you wanted to grab it."

           You got it, leaving Beckett to hold onto one of the solid bookcases. Then you walked him out into the sun, appreciating the warmth. It was an interesting domestic life you were leading now, you reflected. Looking over at Beckett, you found that you didn't mind. 

           You eventually sat down on a conveniently placed bench. Flowers surrounded you, all tastefully placed. Little fountains gurgled here and there, birds chirped, and a breeze rustled the leaves in the nearby trees. 

           "Will you explain the story to me?" You asked. "The events before Antigone?"

           He did, and gladly. Then you read to him some, which he seemed to enjoy. By the time you finished the first two acts, he was smiling into the sun, eyes closed. You were afraid he was asleep, but he turned to you and thanked you. 

           In all this time, though you were both sitting on the bench and he had no need to keep a hand on you, his hand rested over yours. 

           "I was afraid for you, you know. When I left you," you admitted. "I had a hard time letting you go."

           He shifted in his seat and gave you hardly more than a whisper in response. "It was hard to go."

           "We couldn't stay there."

           "No." He sighed. 

           "We're together again, though. And not stuck on a stormy little island in the middle of nowhere."

           "It's true that we've found warmer weather." He didn't look pleased as he said it. There was a new tension in his shoulders and he stared forward instead of looking at you. 

           "What's bothering you?" 

           He opened his mouth and closed it again like he'd meant to speak. Finally, he said, "If ever…if ever you wish to leave, I can have it arranged that your going away gets looked over."

           "Why would I leave?"

           "Surely you're more at home with your crew," he said sourly.

           "I haven't seen them in months. Besides, crews are always changing. There's no guarantee I'll find all the same men that I left."

           "You'll stay, then?" The hope in his voice and expression weren't well hidden.  

            "Of course. I am fond of you, I hope you know."

           "Oh." It was all he said, and he returned to staring out over the gardens. The sun was slowly slipping down to hang heavy over the horizon. "I'm fond of you, too."

           You turned to him then and placed a hand on the side of his face, gently making him look at you. "You aren't used to affection, are you?"

           "No," he breathed. He must've known how close you were to him, and when you placed a light kiss on his cheek, he gasped. 

           "You don't mind, do you?" You were afraid you were getting ahead of yourself.  

           "I just wish I could return the favor," he answered. 

           "Maybe it'll be easier this way." You leaned in again, this time slowly pressing your lips to his. He stiffened in response, but soon melted into your touch. Each kiss was slow and hesitant, like you were waiting for the other to pull away. One of his hands found your hair, and the other your waist. Both shook just enough to be noticeable to you, and you pulled him closer to make sure he understood that he had no reason to be nervous or afraid. 

           "I think," he mumbled against your lips, "that I've found another use for you. If you don't mind."

           You smiled and assured him you didn't. "A strange situation for both of us, but good."

           "Better than good, I think." And for the first time since you'd met him, he smiled, truly smiled.

           He's right. Better than good. Much better than good.

[backstage-bucknell]

Celebrating Student Scholarship

Take a look at the research, scholarship, performance work, and more that students in the Theatre department have been up to this year! 

Julia Tokish

Historically, South Asian playwrights have been vastly underrepresented in American theatre. My Presidential Fellowship, conducted under the mentorship of Dr. Meenakshi Ponnuswami, seeks to address and correct this injustice. Through my Presidential Fellowship, I conduct research on first- and second-generation immigrant playwrights of South Asian descent. I search for and collect information not only on the playwrights themselves, but also their plays and production histories. This project is still ongoing, but we ultimately hope to create a publicly accessible database featuring these playwrights and their work as well as a published anthology of certain selected plays from my research. If you are interested in learning more about my research process and future plans, please visit the following link:

https://mediaspace.bucknell.edu/media/Uncovering+South+Asian+American+Playwrights+-+Kalman+Research+Symposium/1_ojkr2ijn

Bethany Fitch

On Earth Day, April 22nd my research team and I produced a virtual Zoom performance that told the stories of flooding caused by Tropical Storm Agnes in this area in 1972. It showcases a deeply momentous time for the River Valley. The stories and memories are very important to this community and many people take much joy (as well as pain) in sharing their experiences. This project has been in the making since the beginning of my freshman year when I chose this project as my Presidential Fellowship and I was so thrilled to see it come to fruition. With over 200 zoom attendees, we put together a performance based on real people’s stories from interviews conducted by me and my team. Gerard Stropnicky, our storyteller in residence was the mastermind who helped us put monologues, puppet theatre, music, pictures, and dance together into a piece that struck the hearts of the viewers. It was so special to be a part of the cast composed of creators like myself, Lewisburg residents, and flood survivors to create such a special night of community bonding. As we all know very well, the best way to make change is through art! Stay tuned for future performances (hopefully live) next year!

The zoom link is below if you’d like to watch any piece of the performance! The show starts around the 10 minute mark:

https://mediaspace.bucknell.edu/media/1_4qyg6mw8

Millo Lazarczyk

I presented research surrounding finding strategic solutions to food waste in both the Kalman and Sustainability Symposium. Our problem statement was: The US wastes nearly 40% of our food, creating 125-160 billion pounds of waste annually, leading to high emission rates, resource depletion, and food insecurity. Our research question was: What are the most effective waste mitigation and management strategies in the restaurant industry that could be utilized to produce a more sustainable environment? My partner Simon and I administered a survey on campus to classmates to investigate habits, behaviors, knowledge, and potential solutions around food waste. The survey yielded significant differences in how much of a meal was thrown out between fast food restaurants, full service restaurants, and buffets. While 25% of respondents throw out 11% or more of their meal at fast food restaurants, the amount of respondents throwing out 11% or more of their meal swells to 37% at full service restaurants. Asked why they throw this food out the most common responses included: Too large portions, ordering too much, inconsistent appetite, and leftovers brought home being thrown out. We deduce the differences are due to one size fits all plates, which are typically over the recommended calorie count. While a variation of small, medium and large sizes are often offered at fast food restaurants, no such options exist at full service restaurants. Males said the portion size of their meal correlated to their appetite 69% of the time but females said the correlation only occurred 57% of the time. Presented with various food waste mitigation strategies respondents were most in favor of the idea of customized menus with multiple portion options. 92% of respondents said they were at least somewhat likely to purchase a smaller portion for less cost. Meanwhile, 55% of respondents are somewhat likely to order smaller food portions for the identical price of the larger meal. Therefore in order to reduce food waste we proposed implementing multiple portion options at restaurants. I you’d like to see the presentation look under Saturday, Session 2, 12-1 at this link: https://sustainabilitysymposium.scholar.bucknell.edu/saturday-schedule/ 

Brooke Echnat and Catherine MacKay

The Theatre and Dance Department periodically awards the honor of an Individual Production Project (319) to seniors who have demonstrated advanced work and a deep commitment to an area of theatre production. This project allows students to assume a leadership role for a mainstage production under the supervision of a faculty advisor. Brooke Echnat and Catherine MacKay were awarded Individual Production Projects to serve as the Director and Dramaturg for  Bliss (or Emily Post is Dead) by Jami Brandli.

Bliss follows the Ancient Greek characters Medea, Clytemnestra, Antigone, and Cassandra, now pill-popping housewives, in 1960s NJ. Cassandra, a black woman, is gifted with the art of prophecy but cursed by Apollo that no one will believe her visions. She seeks to prove these women can have control over their lives in this modern era. Can we reclaim our “fates” or are our fates predetermined by societal structures set in place?

As Director, Brooke engaged in various mediums and methodologies as she navigated directing in a pandemic. She utilized both virtual and in-person rehearsal processes. Along with the efforts of her cast, crew, and collaborators, she was able to create a piece of theatre at a time when many theaters in our country are still shut down.

As the Dramaturg, Catherine researched many topics related to the play such as Greek Mythology and Emily Post’s Etiquette to help the production team and actors better understand the world of the play. Catherine’s research provided foundational material that informed the creative decisions of the play.

Mackenzie Gross

This picture is Mackenzie immediately after passing her Honors Thesis Defense, which over 100 individuals attended. (That’s a lot for a defense). “I’m beyond grateful for the support of the Theatre community, not only for showing up and making me feel so deeply valued and loved, but for being my home the last four years.” 

Twelve Angry Men: A Twenty-First Century Reflection of Race, Art and Incarceration is a Comparative Humanities Honors Thesis concentrating on Africana Studies, Theatre, Sociology and Legal Studies, demonstrating the importance of investing in incarcerated communities through education and theatre. The case study used for my research was the production of Twelve Angry Men I directed at SCI Coal Township Prison. The play connected inmates and Bucknell students through the Sociology Inside/Out class, which I taught alongside the production in the Fall of 2019. 

https://bucknell.zoom.us/rec/share/Vr0GdArwP2MeeXvOOhhmxhFfRueYX5w-zWKpm4U1Qc9IKkytZjZM-Q4O1mXjRV34.tCWkcLwb4dZAQYNm

[seecantrill]

Teaching Writing in the time of COVID-19

Written for a class I am teaching called Teaching Writing Online at Johns Hopkins; posted originally in class Blackboard blog (which isn’t really a blog at all) in response to the prompt “Teaching writing in the time of COVID-19.”

Weeks before COVID officially hit the States, it was in the news in China. My partner had been to Beijing for work in late November/early December when things were still fairly normal. But a few weeks after his return, the city of Wuhan had shut down. He got in touch with his colleagues via WeChat to find out how they were and what was going on. Within a week or so they were also homebound, work and school closed down throughout Beijing and Shanghai.

“Millions of children are now going to school online” he said to me one morning. This is when I really started to take note. Millions of kids out of school, stuck at home, online learning. Wow. And uh oh.

It would be another few weeks before it was here.

I live in Philadelphia. In Philly, during the previous months, a few schools had actually already closed due to crumbling asbestos found in public areas of the school, including the gyms and cafeterias. Parents were protesting and some were already keeping kids home. It was just a handful of schools but, having gone to these schools myself as a kid and visiting them as an adult from time to time, I know that this is a much bigger problem than just a few schools, especially in buildings of a certain era. It was not clear what would happen, how the district would respond to the growing public knowledge and concern about this issue, what were plans for addressing it at speed or scale, and what funds could be accessed to repair these old buildings and crumbling facilities.

But COVID changed that, quickly. School closed down (still with active asbestos) and thousands of children were sent home. And the disparities of our city that we know about - the poverty and the underfunding of our public schools -- opened like crackling and veining crevasses throughout the streets and neighborhoods of our city.

What became clear immediately is that many Philadelphian children needed lunch since food insecurity is high and school was the one place where they could be guaranteed a meal each day; getting food to them and also providing a place for them to be if needed was the first priority. Then a second piece was to make sure that kids had access to technology they could use to stay connected to their teachers and peers and Chromebooks were distributed to families (sometimes at real risk to those who had to hand them out). Challenges continued and despite being the home of Comcast, the lack of Internet access and broadband in homes throughout the city is determined by income. The district website even, at one point, suggested finding “parking lot wifi” after failing to figure out how to get community-wide access. Long time educational reporters Dale Mezzacappa and Bill Hangley Jr. write in the Public School Notebook that “Wealthier districts have a "10-year head start" on devices, online access, and virtual curriculum.” compared to Philadelphia.

As the school year winds down, planning continues and CDC guidelines (the full one not the White House one) are being used to plan what to do come the Fall. Hangley writes that nothing is clear except that “the coronavirus hits low-income and minority communities hardest, and students like Philadelphia’s are at the greatest risk.”

The disparities that we have know for years now are on full display again after the murder of George Floyd and the unequal impact of COVID on black and brown communities throughout the United States. And, as challenging as it is, I also believe that much of what has been deemed “impossible” has proved to actually be possible. We can rethink the way we function and close down if we need to to keep safe. We can uprise if we need to to protest systemic inequities. So in these possibilities I also see opportunities for us as teachers and learners. It is an opportunity to really look squarely at what is unjust and inequitable. It is also an opportunity to re-think, re-imagine, re-prioritize what is most important in education and schooling (and many are; will work to put a list together).

State testing was dropped for this school year, for example. What could school be if it were less focused on testing and competition of children to show “merit” for higher education and instead asked kids to do real work in the world, supported by teachers and mentors and communities? What if kids were asked to participate meaningfully in their communities at school and at home and did research on topics of deep interests and importance to them, like food insecurity, and were asked to use their voice to share what they learned and advocate for what is needed? What if they had an opportunity to do work that contributed -- how much would we all gain? How fast could we come up with solutions and better understandings of pandemics like COVID if we had all these young minds considering the possibilities alongside us adults? What if kids were engaged in learning by doing - and writing - in ways that build democracy and dismantle racist systems instead of teaching kids how to follow rules and act in compliance to a set of demands created by adults without their consultation?

What would writing, learning and teaching look like then?

[sns-tropes]

heart in your hands: ch11

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6,

Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10

chapter summary: on tonight's nine o'clock news: team seven has emotional constipation

pairing: sasuke/naruto (ninja!verse) post-698

rating: Mature

warnings: angst, hurt/comfort

A/N: i haven't posted in forever don't hate me. this one is a little short but i'll be posting again very soon. sorry for the angst.

- jeni

Naruto blinks awake blearily. It’s a gloomy morning, there’s no sun streaming in. It might rain today. He looks to his side and Sasuke is awake, just staring at the ceiling above them quietly. Naruto doesn’t think it’s a troubled look. It seems pretty neutral. He’s aware that he maybe acted a little clingy with Sasuke last night. He was beyond exhausted, so he feels like he can’t really be held accountable for anything he said or did. Even if it might have annoyed Sasuke, he doesn’t seem bothered by it now, after everything. 

Sasuke looks like he’s thinking really hard about something. Naruto scoots closer, making Sasuke look at him. Sasuke winces a little, not quite sure if he should speak up. 

“I want to tell you something. I did something without your consent.” 

Naruto’s brow furrows in confusion. “What are you talking about?” Naruto scoots in even closer, concern drawn on his expression. It’s worrisome. Everything with Sasuke is potentially worrisome.  

Sasuke’s eyes fall from Naruto’s. His intentions for this conversation are good ones. He’s trying to accomplish something here. But this is hard. This is too difficult to open the subject. Because even though they’ve got used to so much together and have experienced this new dynamic between them, there’s still a lot of things that Sasuke thinks they’re in the dark about.  

They don’t know how to do a relationship. They never knew how to anything other than fight. Everything is still new even when it’s not. But Sasuke is trying. He just doesn’t want this to go in the wrong direction. 

“I looked into your dreams the other night.” He regrets it the moment the words leave his mouth. The old him would have suggested Naruto simply get over it. But things are so much different now. Naruto’s eyes widen in brief realization that Sasuke means that he saw  that  dream. Sasuke’s heart beat quickens in his chest and he’s experiencing something rare. Something that he doesn’t usually feel. He thinks it might be fear. He doesn’t have a first instinct unfortunately. He doesn’t know what Naruto is thinking. And poking around in his head any more than he already has will just make it worse.  

Naruto sits up a little away from him and looks in the other direction. Sasuke can’t tell if he’s angry or sad or what, but something in Sasuke hurts at the sight. 

“What did you see?” Naruto says numbly. 

“Enough.” 

Naruto huffs out a defeated breath, that same stress from last night radiating off of him. Sasuke eyes his prosthetic arm wrapped up in those white bandages. Naruto rests his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. Sasuke waits. 

“It’s pathetic isn’t it?” Naruto rasps out, voice rough and thick with sleep. “You’re right here. Living in my apartment with me. And I-” Naruto closes his mouth. He stops himself. Sasuke doesn’t want to push too much. He doesn’t want to scare Naruto away. 

“You’re afraid.” Sasuke suggests softer than he’s ever spoke to him before. 

Naruto shakes his head no, eyes shut, throat tight.  

“I’m- I’m terrified.” He admits begrudgingly.  

“ Why ?” 

Naruto laughs bitterly, sounding like he’s trying not to cry. “Track record.” 

And Sasuke supposes that he’s right. That’s what Sasuke has always done. He always runs away from the things that are good for him. But he can’t even be bothered to think about himself in this moment. He’s only thinking about Naruto. He can only think of what Naruto needs. 

“Naruto-” 

“No- You don’t- You don’t have to say anything.” Naruto says decidedly. “It’s not your burden that I'm insecure. That’s not fair.” 

“It’s fair. I did this.” And Sasuke almost  wants to cry at how true that is. How he really did put those thoughts and fears in Naruto’s head. “I put that fear there.” 

“It’s not your fault I'm so dependent.” Naruto states logically. 

“I’m no better.” 

Naruto laughs again, finally looking up at Sasuke. Sasuke missed looking at them for just those few minutes.  

“You’d be fine either way.” Naruto bites out, and that hurts because it sounds like Naruto really believes that. 

And something flares up in Sasuke at the words. At first, it’s anger because that is so far from the truth. But the flame dies down a bit and it just feels like desperation. If this is what Naruto thinks of what they are then he’s so very wrong. He can’t have an emotional, existential crisis over what to say anymore. It’s just too important.  

“Naruto,” He says, voice uncharacteristically thick with emotion. “I think I would die. I would die without you. Almost did a few times.” 

Naruto just stares. He stares and searches Sasuke’s eye for even the slightest hint of deception or fallacy. Sasuke palms his face, drawing in as close as he can. He isn’t sure if kissing him is the right thing to do, but it just feels right to him. Usually Naruto is the one asking.  

“Can I?” Sasuke asks tentatively, the words foreign on his tongue. His breath ghosts gently over Naruto’s lips. Naruto lets his eyes flutter closed as he nods.  

He kisses him fully and sincerely, and they move like there was never a disagreement in the first place. But that wasn’t even what he wanted to tell him. Not really. He wanted to ask him about the field study. But now he can’t be bothered to with the feeling of their lips connecting like this. 

“I wouldn’t let you die.” Naruto mumbles. 

“I know.” Sasuke smiles against his lips. “Track record.” 

 ____________________________________________________________

Sakura comes to give him some paperwork later that day. Naruto has gone out in the heavy rain to fetch a few food items, for lack of anything to eat in the house. 

Sasuke lets her in wordlessly and she scans the place for any sign of Naruto, wondering if Sasuke has brought up the topic yet. 

He sits down at the table with her and sifts thought the standard documents, eyes briefly scanning the places where he’s meant to write things in. 

“It will be easy to clear you.” She states in a measured tone.  

“I figured.” He says, voice nonchalant.  

“You haven’t asked yet.” It’s not a question. 

Sasuke knows she doesn’t want him to leave. She doesn’t want either of them to leave. She’s not the type to feel secure without a team by her side. That’s what Sasuke knows to be true. But he can’t be sure now. He’s still getting to know this version of her after being awaay for so long.  

He doesn’t address her statement right away. He feels something twist in his gut, an apology on the tip of his tongue.  

“I’m sorry, Sakura.” 

She balks, confused as hell. 

“Huh?” 

“I’m sorry.” He says again, setting the papers down. “For everything I put you through.” 

She doesn’t say anything, eyes unreadable.  

“For hurting you.” 

“Mentally or physically?” She laughs. But it’s just not funny. How can it be? 

“Both,” He se says quietly, having no expectations from her. He just wanted to say it.  

She seems to think for a moment, not sure on what she’d like to say.  

“That was a long time ago.” She says. “It doesn’t matter now.” 

Sasuke doesn’t understand anything. He might never. In a way, He’s jealous of her. He’s jealous of her confidence, her stability, he independence, her resilience. Everything that he never thought she would live up to, but unexpectedly surpassed him despite how average he thought her to be. He was so very wrong about her. He eyes the Strength of 100 Seal on her forehead and smirks in defeat.  

It doesn’t seem like she’ll accept his apology. Not because she’s unforgiving, but because it truly doesn’t matter anymore. It’s too late. 

And at that moment it occurs to him that he doesn’t want to be late for anything else. He’s in no position to ask her for a favor.  

“Sakura, will you...” He takes a breath, “Will you stay until Naruto returns?” 

Her brows furrow. “For what?” 

“I’m going to ask him.” 

“And you want me here for it? Are you joking?” 

“Does it look like I'm joking?” 

“Now you need moral support?” 

“Yeah?” 

She sighs deeply.  

“If you two start fighting, I’m out of here.” 

He’ll take it. 

 ________________________________________________________

Naruto puts away his groceries after greeting Sakura in mild suspicion. He has no idea what they’re up to over on the table, but he sees paperwork and it looks important.  

There’s a bit of an uncomfortable feeling in the air. He doesn’t know what to expect, but Sasuke looks... Nervous? He really hopes he hasn’t gotten himself into any trouble. Naruto doesn’t think he can handle any more of that. 

He sits down at the table and tries to look relaxed. He purposely avoids looking at the paperwork. He’s sure they’ll tell him.  

“Naruto,” Sasuke starts. “I’ve found something. A job, I guess?” 

Naruto relaxes a little, he fakes a smile, because he’s not sure if there’s anything to be glad about yet. “That’s great!” 

“But there’s conditions.” 

He eyes the both of them, suspicious all over again.  

“What’s going on here?” 

“It’s a field study, Naruto.” Sakura pipes in. “A two-year field study.” 

He bites his lip. He’s not quite sure he heard her right. And even if he did hear her right, he doesn’t know why the hell she’s promoting something like this. That strange uncomfortable feeling rises up in his chest. The kind where it gets too tight in his lungs and he can’t quite breathe. He scratches at his hand on the table, refusing to look up at them both. So, this was what Sasuke was talking about. On the docks he said he'll stay a while. Just a while and then he’ll leave when he’s ready. Naruto didn’t think he would be ready to go so soon.  

He didn’t think he would be ready to go right after that heart to heart this morning that meant so much to Naruto. That talk that made him finally feel like there’s no way he could possibly lose him. He can feel his eyes getting damp and he hates it. He would rather not show it at this point. He feels a little betrayed. Not just by Sasuke but Sakura too, just because she’s clearly involved and sitting right here. His heart is in his throat but he just wants to close off. He doesn’t want Sakura to see him break down like he did those few months ago on his kitchen floor, where Sasuke had to urge him back into breathing properly.  

He feels it getting closer, creeping up on him, darkening his mind and tearing at his throat. There’s nothing he can do. There’s nothing he can say to stop this. Because something that comes up time and time again like this is bound to happen regardless.  

He shuts his eyes tight. 

Suddenly there’s a hand on his. He opens his not quite dry eyes to look up. Sasuke’s expression is like one he’s never seen before. Open, pleading, practically desperate. He squeezes Naruto’s hand tighter across the table, not caring at all that Sakura will see them this way.  

“Naruto.” Sasuke’s voice cracks. And he’s not sure why he asked Sakura to be here now, because he feels so pathetic. He was terrified to do this. He was terrified to ask in the same that Naruto is terrified of him leaving again. “Come with me.” 

Naruto releases a breath, never really aware that he had been holding it. 

“What?” 

“Come with me, Naruto.” 

They stare at each other for an immeasurable amount of time. He can’t speak. He doesn’t know what to say. 

Sakura leans in slightly as if she we’re wordlessly asking if she should leave. She hopes that Sasuke remembers what she told him.  You might not like his answer.  

Naruto feels too much in the moment. He feels so much that it amounts to him being unable to identify any of his emotions. As if they we’re all cancelling each other out, he almost feels nothing. 

His vision tunnels and before and one can stop him, he pulls his hand back from Sasuke’s and he stands from the table. His expression is blank. They don’t know what he’s thinking. He leaves the house again, without a word uttered in reply to that weighted question.  

Sasuke stares down at the table, fist clenched where his hand was holding Naruto’s tightly just moments ago.  

Sakura places her hand on his shoulder that shakes in anger, frustration, sadness? She doesn't know. She says something about letting Naruto be for a while so he can think properly about it. Sasuke doesn’t hear it.  

He doesn’t hear anything.  

[alittleroseandhoneyblog-blog]

Sticks and Stones

A comment left on one of my photos!*

Let’s start this by simply saying Thank you!

Thank you for taking the time to comment on one of my photos – thank you for providing your opinion on a topic that we as women face on a daily basis – I want you to know that when you attacked my body, you did not effect me in a negative way – you did not discolor my self esteem, you did not hurt me (as I have been through far worse) and you certainly did not make me think any less of myself– in fact you empowered me.

You’ve made me stronger, so thank you!    

In many ways you are right, your opinion is exactly that – but it’s your form of “fit” that I do not fit into – not mine (or those who love me)  You see, this whole industry is in the eye of the beholder – it’s what we choose to get out of the process that matters, it’s all indifferent and perhaps if you removed your rose-colored glasses you would see beauty in all the different shapes and sizes the human body comes in rather then taunting those around you for not having your form of fit.

Those comments set us back, they linger and are a leading cause of so much self doubt and self sabotage and that conversation needs to change, you cannot be teaching children that – in fact, you should be educating yourself because YOUR perception of what “FIT” is needs to change.

FIT is defined as

“in good health”

……especially because of regular physical exercise.  

Well, that sounds like me…I mean

I have climbed the CN tower stairs, twice – all 1,776 of them.

I dance, every day for upwards of an hour or two

I lift weights every day

I fuel my body properly; I do not diet or restrict what foods I put into my body (because I am human)

So contrary to an unsolicited opinion on MY body…I AM FIT and here’s the thing- YOU (whoever you were) don’t get to decide – 

I have moved past that way of thinking – and I invite you to as well!  

I am not an expert.  I do not have a flashy background it fitness, I am not a trainer or a nutritionist – but what I do have is life experience, I’ve been through trauma (that I am still healing from) I have demons that I have been so ashamed to face until recently because of fear of judgement from not only strangers but from people who frequent my table.  The truth is none of this is easy to talk about, no one wants to stand up and talk about their body in a negative way, or relive their toxic relationships no one wants to risk appearing weak when there is already so much judgment out there, but guess what, we all have pasts, we all have gone through something that has lead us to be who we are today and just because someone has a similar story and lived through similar situations (and survived) doesn’t mean that your story is any less validated, it doesn’t make the experience any less traumatic or hard and it certainly doesn’t mean that you don’t have the right to tell it – we tell our stories in hopes that it helps someone so that it shows that we can go through dark times and still rise – we should be encouraging people to read their chapters out loud instead of claiming rights to something that many of us have faced whether its disordered eating, body image, mental health, self sabotage, relationships…and so much more. 

My first ever heartbreak had a lot to do with my weight at 21 … I will never forget how I watched a man that I loved fall out of love with me as the number on the scale went up. I was insecure about it but we never talked about it - I never asked the right questions I never asked if he was still attracted to me (as he gained the same “happy” weight I did) I didn’t ask if he was falling out of love with me but up until that point I never struggled with my body image and I believed that the number on the scale didn’t define me – but the truth is, it DID (in my own mind at least) – and in the end he broke up with me.  Truthfully, I can pinpoint that to exactly when my negative relationship with my body started.  B and I ate out a lot and If we weren’t eating out then I was cooking big meals that were greasy and with portion sizes that were out of control, I thought food solved everything. I gained about 30 “happy pounds” and hit my second puberty. My hips went up 5 sizes, my boobs were out of control and I didn’t recognize the girl I saw in the mirror anymore.

Dating as a chubby girl was seriously depressing so much so that I tried online dating (I know, save the judgment for later) I remember only using pictures of my face and avoiding anything that showed my body – and I ended up meeting this guy and after a few days of us texting we went for a movie (we had a wonderful time and he seemed really into me) but unfortunately on the ride home he pulled over 3 times and PULLED IT OUT…(I am not joking and there is a whole other story to this) anyways – I declined – politely (3 times, once with tears lol)  I could tell that his ego was a little hurt.  Shortly after he dropped me off at home I got a message from him that said… “you know you’re a lot bigger in person” as if that was the reason he wasn’t going to see me again - (not that he was a total pig) but honestly I was shocked and so embarrassed that someone openly commented on my weight (that wasn’t my grandma) and I wont lie It really hurt my feelings,  but I politely reminded him that the weight was something I could easily work off, but he was stuck with a small dick for the rest of his life (lol) and so we never spoke again (until he came across my social media last year and has been creeping ever since!!)

The truth is in that moment I became so desperate to have my old body back - to be able to fit into my old pair of jeans (the “before” him jeans) that I started skipping meals – I lied to my loved ones about what I was putting in my body - I ended up in the hospital - multiple times with stomach pain and exhaustion - I took a leave of absence from work because I was too sick to even get out of bed.  

I DID THAT - I starved my body and all I can remember thinking at the time was that it worked, I lost the weight as if it was some miracle.  It didn’t change anything- I was still sad, I was still skipping meals and I knew that mentally I was not in a good place and it didn’t help that 6 months after the break up that spiraled all those negative feelings just announced he was getting married.  This went on for about a year, where I struggled with disordered eating and my body image - I met matt, at my thinnest and I maintained that as long as I could - fast forward to pregnancy (which turned out the be incredibly unhealthy) I was still  starving my body, its really the only pattern I knew and I continued to watch my weight,  I didn’t want a repeat of what happened with B, So I limited my calorie intake – But once I realized what I was doing I started eating smaller meals more often, then the portions became larger, and within a few weeks I went from not eating the foods I wanted to eating everything in sight.  I would over-eat…and then eat and then eat some more…and in 3 months I gained almost 40lbs (60lbs my total pregnancy), went borderline Diabetic and ended up having a premature birth at 7 months followed by my gallbladder being removed shortly after-  great experience, right!  

My mentality at that time was “Well my body is changing anyways, may as well enjoy it…”

Or “I’ve already gained this much weight, what’s another few pounds….”

WRONG, wrong, wrong WRONG - that is not a healthy mentality at all and again is a part of that self sabotaging culture that we as women live in.

I wasn’t surprised that 5 years later I still owned 95% of that “baby weight”, I knew I needed to get serious – I put blinders on when it came to my health I was overweight, I was lazy and I lacked motivation to work out and it wasn’t until about a year ago that I actually committed to something that worked for me… (did you catch that… “something that worked for me”, because everyone is different ) Anyways- It certainly didn’t happen overnight, and I had to overcome a lot of personal demons that ended up being bigger then just a negative body image - I had to get raw and admit that in some situations I was the toxic person – that I allowed my circumstances and for that I carried so much guilt. 

The point is! 

As human beings we need to learn to co-exsist with all of our demons whether its food, weight or body shape or even our mental health – we need to be as patient with ourselves as we are others, mindful of our own feelings, our own needs and we need to cultivate in them.  This is why this conversation is so important to me – why I choose to address certain things, why my social media is public- no one but me has the right to narrate my story and so the best I can do is live well,  without fear of judgment, comfortable in my skin, in my decisions 

- Although I am as open as I can be, I choose to be very conscious about what I post on social media (for a few reasons) - One is simple, my husband has to approve of the content being posted. Out of respect and love for that man who has supported me unconditionally throughout this process, regardless of being 1000% confident in my “now” body, he prefers some things to stay private (in which I totally agree) but the other is because there are people (no scratch that) women out there whose “dream body” is my “then” body –  and the words I use to describe how I felt in my own skin during that time can damage someone else’s perception of their dream body, it can become discouraging – But understand this, I know now that my body was actually never the problem. That additional weight I carried, was beautiful. I admit there have been things that I have been insecure about, yes but that was society making me believe that my body didn’t look right,  that was social media and marketing saying you are only worthy of real love at a 120lb and everything else is unlovable.  That was my own self sabotage that made me believe I wasn’t good enough as is and so I went to drastic measures to try and comply to what society told me beautiful should be and throughout this entire process I wish I would have told myself sooner that being a size 12 did not change my banging personality or my sense of humour and being a size 8 didn’t change my heart, or how I viewed the world and being a size 4 now doesn’t make me any better of a person then I was 10 years ago when I felt my worth was dictated by the number on the scale.  I have had to accept that not everyone will see “fit” the same way I do and unfortunately because I have decided to put my life on social media the way I do, I have opened a window for others to form that opinion of me, I have allowed them judge me, to be passive towards me or to even question my character and in some cases those opinions will be voiced but I welcome them and if by chance you are that person who wants to dim my light know this you can’t break me - I am 10000% comfortable and confident in who I am – Broken past, Belly fat, cellulite, saggy boobs and all (Lol)

I will end with this, I will not apologize for “showing off” as I have earned the right to – I will not apologize for over coming the two worst relationships I’ve ever had and will ever have in my life (food and my self worth) – I will not apologize for being my own version of fit even if it doesn’t align with yours and I certainly will not apologize for being who I am.

As far as I am concerned, as long as you are not harming others in any way, live unapologetically in all you do.  You don’t need validation from anyone or anything!

[stopforamoment]

Part Seven: Dealing with Otto (Series 26, Part 7 of 16)

Series Twenty-Six: Meeting the Desrosiers (Sixteen Parts) My masterlist is at the end of my bio.

Book: The Royal Romance (After Book Three) Pairing: Bastien Lykel x OC Rinda Parks Word Count: 623 Rating: M for Language, Triggers for Parent/Child Dysfunctional Relationships

Author’s Note: Obligatory disclaimer that Pixelberry Studios owns the TRR characters and my pocketbook with those darn diamond scenes. OFC with all of her quirks is all mine. My apologies if Tumblr or I do something stupid when I try to post this. The keep reading link shows up on my laptop but not my phone. Ugh. Thank you @asherella-is-a-dork-3​​ and @bobasheebaby​​  for always being my sounding board! Thank you @silviasutton1989​​ ​ @riseandshinelittleblossom​​​ @tornbetween2loves​​ @sirbeepsalot​​ @innerpostmentality​​ @kennaxval​​ @strangerofbraidwood @sawyeroakleyscowboyhat @begging-for-kamilah @teamtomsato @jovialyouthmusic​​ for still being a part of the journey!

Series Summary: Rinda’s parents come to visit for a week to meet Bastien and spend Thanksgiving with them, and poor Bastien has to run interference for his Tria when her mother is a passive aggressive bitch.

Chapter Summary: Bastien is learning how to handle Rinda’s father. Parts of this section were previously written for one of the “Rinda’s Insecurities” drabbles.

Part Seven: Dealing with Otto When her parents bickered during meals, raising their voices to each other, Rinda started to shut down. She began loudly scraping her plate, an unconscious habit she developed as a child so she could focus on the noises she could control, tuning out her parents’ arguments that never seemed to end. Each time that happened, Bastien would gently place his hand over hers to stop the scraping. When Rinda looked up in surprise, unaware she reverted to that childhood habit, Bastien kissed the top of her head and whispered it was okay. He was right there to help her.

Bastien quickly realized how much he needed to advocate for Rinda, even if he felt he was being disrespectful to her parents. Rinda’s father was a good man, but he was blunt to the point of being embarrassing and insensitive. When he commented that Rinda had put on some weight, Bastien quickly focused on Rinda, purposely ignoring her father and changing the topic. Yes, Rinda knew she gained some weight because of the birth control and because she had been so busy with work. She didn’t need to be told that. She needed to be told she was loved and cherished.

Bastien did that--and more.

Really, Bastien explained. It was his fault. Rinda was such a good cook, and he always appreciated the family meals she prepared for them. He contritely promised that he wouldn’t beg Rinda to make his favorite comfort food dinners for a few weeks because he was the one who needed to lose some weight.

Her father commented on what a disaster her house was. She had only lived there for a few months, and she didn’t even bring many things to Cordonia. How could it be such a cluttered mess in such a short time?

Bastien shook his head and laughed. “We’re both busy with our careers, and Henry and I definitely should do more chores around the house. And yes, things are chaotic and messy. But Rinda knows this is what makes our house a home.” He paused for a moment. “When my sister and I were little, when my parents were married, we had a happy home. But then they divorced, and when my mom remarried it was . . . it wasn’t even a house. It was hell. Absolute hell. One of the many reasons I love Rinda so much is because she is so caring and welcoming. I want to live in a loving home, Mr. Desrosiers. Rinda and I want Henry to grow up in a happy home where we cherish and respect each other.” He spread out his hands and shrugged his shoulders. “This is heaven for me. A home that is filled with love and happiness. That’s what Rinda and Henry give me every day.”

Bastien was learning how to handle Mr. Desrosiers. He wasn’t a cruel man, but he was a clueless man who lacked patience. He was an honest man who had no filter, and Bastien was also learning when to let a comment go and when to address it. He knew that he needed to shower his Tria with extra reassurances and compliments when her father made a thoughtless comment, reassuring her that she was respected. Bastien also made every effort to hold her hand, kiss her nose, and give her the physical displays of affection that made her feel cherished. Bastien and Rinda realized their bond was becoming even stronger in many ways because of her parents’ visit.

But it was Rinda’s mother, when she was on a passive aggressive tear, that Bastien needed to watch for. Rinda warned him and he promised to protect her. But Bastien didn’t realize yet just how deep Rinda’s mother could cut.