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yinses · 5 years ago

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fractured kingdoms

| he made you a princess ... it was only right for him to play the white knight |

gojo satoru rating: t

a/n: so i had an idea. this is more of a premise for a potential series that will doubtfully be chaptered in order. i have terrible luck with that. more or less snapshots of this dynamic to see where it takes me. i always write best on new episode release days.

gojo satoru used to enjoy his job- hell he was practically born for the role of exorcising curses. as a first year, along with his fellow classmates, he thought he could change the world.

it was an optimistic goal that he never quite lost sight of but his mindset had changed over the years. having a best friend turn on an entire organization coupled with gatekeeping elders who should have died last century could do that to anyone's ambitions.

so when gojo accepted a case, he did it but the task was conducted his own way on his own time.

it was the least he could do for an institution who took advantage of his inherited ability.

he was already planning out his order for the little pastry shoppe around the corner as he cleared a plethora of curses making themself home in the old abandoned fish packing plant. the acrid and heavy atmosphere had cultivated a miasma of stupidity it seemed, enticing the youth to come seek out nonexistent mysteries and claim their own death instead.

proclaimed haunted grounds like this were always prevalent breeding grounds for the weaker lot who couldn't chance hunting alone. the pack mentality made them look stronger than what they were.

it was all just troublesome work for him.

gojo quickly surveyed the mess that lay before him- bodies broken beyond identification. showing them to the morning families would only increase the amount of negative energy already floating around the area. it would be better to just shut down the perimeter completely for proper purging.

that was something ijichi could manage.

his hand twitched for his pocket to order such when he felt a lingering weight of cursed energy. this essence wasn’t like the others- in fact he didn’t recall even noticing it until now.

with a huff he slouched into a relaxed stance, infinity tightening around his body, “now, now. let’s not make this harder for ourselves. i have a tight schedule after all.” if he was lucky, he could make two stops instead of his scheduled one. he’d like some nice bobba tea to go with his treat.

gojo waited a moment longer, willing to make it fair for once. but then nothing happened. these might be his least favorite curses, those born from cowardice.

he fingered the edge of his blindfold in contemplation. taking it off may be overkill, but something about the situation insists upon it. intrigued by the shift, he pulls the material down to his chin and takes in the factory in its entirety.

for a second there was nothing. then blue eyes flicker upward.

“oh wow. pretty, pretty.”

something in the rafters rustles, and a small thud sounded to his right as a figure landed gracefully less than a foot away.

it was daring, to say the least. most curses avoided his aura, not willing entered it. but the most unsettling thing was that it spoke.

the level of cursed energy emanating from the form did not match with the intelligence it was portraying. it could be mimicry, a set of learned phrases used to trick and lure. but even known when and how to use them-

not to mention they’d commented specifically on his eyes.

“it’s rude not to thank a lady when she offers a compliment.”

gojo couldn’t resist turning at that.

it was a lady; perhaps more correctly a girl- possibly in her early twenties. there were no errant limbs or monstrous editions. she looked normal, almost human. maybe even an amateur sorcerer if he’d just focused on the energy she emitted.

a low grade shaman may have actually mistaken her for one.

that would have been a shame.

gojo brought his hand over his heart in an apologetic gesture,” sorry, it was your own beauty that stopped me short.”

her lips pulled back and the white of her teeth sent a thrilling chill down his spine.

how interesting indeed.

he motioned vaguely to the remains,” am i to assume this was your court?” curses congregating deceive humans was one thing, but to kneel to a higher authority.

an unregistered special grade.

that would be problematic.

her eyes raked over the scene with disinterest,”oh that shit show? as if i would associate myself with them.”

“well that’s not very nice. most princess have better opinions of their subjects.”

her smile widen. oh, she liked that.

gojo carefully braced himself to remain undeterred as she took a casual step forward. instincts urged him to eliminate it on the spot but curiosity begged him to learn more.

as if she felt his hesitancy, she stopped. “princess, huh? will you kneel for me too?”

he laughs at that, “oh i don’t think my superiors would appreciate me doing that.”

there is a brief period of silence and gojo waits with baited breath for the fighting to start. she was obviously retaining her cursed energy, eventually it would overflow to its true capacity. part of gojo actually would regret silencing this one, it wasn’t often that they were this interesting.

when it appeared that she wasn’t going to make the first move, he sighed,” well, unfortunately this has gone on long enough-”

“what kind of sweets do you like?”

gojo blinked dumbly.

“ah, that depends, i suppose. there is this really nice bakery not far from here that makes great manju.” his next destination after he got rid of this curse. why was he even drawing this out? he didn’t feel particularly compelled or threatened, to be frank.

“i’ll have to try it then!”

gojo is left to stare at the palm extended outward.

“can i have money please?”

⚘ ⚘ ⚘

against his better judgement, gojo offers to buy them for her instead.

seated across from the curse, he watches her quietly as she ate through two orders with ease. he also watches the floating civilians around her. not all human were immune to curses, occasionally one with a weak sense would notice something.

but the clerk didn’t miss a single beat when taking her order.

“um… are you going to eat that?”

gojo looked down at the reason why he’d come out this far in the first place and back to the empty plate in front of him. he didn’t think twice before giving her third serving in the last twenty minutes.

“how interesting.”

she looked up mid bite,”wha?”

curling his fingers into a fist to lean into, gojo gave her his full attention,” do you know what you are?”

“well, i’m a girl. opposite of what you are,’’ she explains snidely. for someone who had been given a free treat, she was a bit of a brat.

more importantly, gojo wasn’t detecting any blatant evasion in her speech. it … wasn’t possible for her to actually believe that she was human. perhaps she could be a misguided curse, but what mortal girl would hang out with such monstrous friends. she hadn’t even denied their existence in the factory.

gojo decides to cut to the chase,” we both know you’re not a regular girl.”

she brings the fork to her mouth,”i thought we established that i was a princess?”

oh, this was bad. gojo really should have just finished her before. he should not have invested this far. and certainly should not have bought her mangu.

the only thing worse than an unorthodox gojo, was one equipped with a fresh idea.

#gojo satoru x reader #gojo x reader #gojo satoru #jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen x reader #gojo blessings

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stories-by-belle · 4 years ago

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Champagne

Just some smutty Tom Holland inspired drabble, enjoy. Bx

It was here. I thought to myself, staring into the mirror. My last ever performance as Juliet.

It'd been almost a year since I rushed across London to my audition and somehow bagged the role even after being massively late and a total unknown. This was my first big role, my first leading lady role and here I was gaining good reviews as Juliet opposite Tom Hollands Romeo.

The fact that this was Tom's essential return to the West End, his first play since doing Billy Elliot when he was just a child, and his first ever go at Shakespeare had created a huge buzz around around the play. And he'd absolutely killed it, all of London was talking about his performance.

And, somehow, I'd been lucky enough to join him for the whirlwind of press that surrounded the play every night. Sally, my agent, was thrilled, I was no longer the problematic talent on her books struggling to hold my nerves together.

———

"Alright there, Juliet?" Tom nudged me with his elbow as we both stood backstage waiting to begin, for the last time. "You're being very quiet tonight."

He was right, normally by this point of the evening I was laughing with him, psyching myself up, ready to get on stage.

"I just can't believe this is the last night." I mumbled, I was really sad that this was ending, the whole experience had been amazing, we'd all become close friends, Tom and I especially, he was infectious, his enthusiasm, his joy, it rubbed off on me daily. And I truly believed that he was making me a better actress through all this. My confidence had grown as our friendship had over the many months of working together.

"Aw, you gonna miss me?" Tom grinned playfully at me.

I was, but I wasn't about to tell him that.

"Ah, you won't be able to get rid of me that easily." He said pulling me into a hug as I rolled my eyes at him. "You'll always be my Juliet." He whispered, lingering a little bit too long at the nape of my neck before moving away to take his starting position on the stage.

———

And in the blink of an eye, our last performance was done.

Both Tom and I lay still on the stage where we'd both fallen in our death scene, as the other cast members finished the play around us.

Each night, we'd lain still, and tangled up together as lovers in each others arms for, what felt like, an excruciatingly long time.

"I'll miss this part the most." Tom whispered, barely audible even to me. I thought I was hearing things until I felt his hand subtly move to hold mine.

My heart felt like it was about to beat out of my chest, as I chanced a glance up at him to find him staring down at me.

Finally the curtain fell around us, and the tension between us was cut. The audience were cheering as we got to our feet & rushed to take our final bows.

———

After the usual rounds of bowing, and then congratulating each other backstage, I quietly sloped off to my dressing room while the others starting cracking open bottles of champagne.

I'd just got my costumed unzipped when Tom rushed into the room, champagne bottle in hand, soaking me as he shuck the bottle spraying it everywhere, laughing manically.

"Tom, stop! Come on! I gotta give this costume back!" I shouted through my laughter.

"Payback!" He shouted back as he proceeded in soaking me in champagne. "For that coffee you got all over me!"

"That was an accident!" I managed to move out of his way, hiding behind my dressing screen. "And besides, I thought we agreed that neither of us had been looking where we were going that day!" I giggled at him as he missed me.

He pounced behind the screen, pushing me back against the wall, threatening to pour the rest of the champagne over my head.

"Okay, okay, I give up, you win, you win!" I giggled.

We were both breathless, I was drenched and he had my hips pinned under his against the wall. Without moving away from me he took a swig of champagne before offering it to my lips.

I could feel him watching me closely as I drank from the bottle.

We'd spent a lot of time over the months being close together like this, so it didn't feel weird, there had been a tension slowly building over the months as we'd played lovers on stage & flirted playfully & unapologetically offstage.

As Tom lowered the bottle from my mouth, we both hovered in the moment, simply staring at each other, daring the other to make the first move.

I'd wondered many times if there was something more here than just flirting for Tom, but this was the first time I felt for certain there was something. In fact, I could feel something pressing into my lower stomach as we breathlessly stared at each other.

"I'm sorry." Tom gulped as he moved away trying to hide his lower body from me "That was probably quite, uh, inappropriate." The gentleman in him kicked in, suddenly embarrassed at his actions, and his, ah-hem, reaction to it all.

My heart melted for him, for all the confidence & charm he had, he was really quite shy too. This, mixed with the pure desire I felt as he held me pinned against the wall, emboldened me.

"Don't be sorry." I said simply, moving towards him. "After tonight we won't be working together, so it's not inappropriate at all." I smirked at him, as I took the bottle from him and put it down.

Before I knew it, he had one arm wrapped around my waist, another in my hair, as he pulled me into him to kiss me hard and desperately. It was the polar opposite of the kisses we had shared each night on stage, there was absolutely nothing polite about this kiss.

"You have no idea how many times I've imagined this." Tom moaned into your ear as he trailed kisses down your neck, slowly pulling your unzipped dress down your upper body, following it closely with kisses, occasionally nipping at my skin with his teeth.

As the dress reached my hips & Tom was on his knees in front of me, my entire skin tingled with lust.

He tugged the dress over my hips & let it fall to the floor, leaving me standing above him in just my underwear. His eyes traced over my entire body before mumbling "So. Fucking. Pretty." as he placed kisses along the top of my knickers, he glanced once more up at me, asking for permission to keep going. I nodded and sighed as he kissed my centre through the thin cotton, that was already soaked through, he buried his mouth into me as my hands wound their way into his hair, willing him to keep going.

As he pulled my underwear to one side & I felt his tongue flick over my clit, my knees buckled as I gasped, grabbing his shoulders to keep me from falling.

"Sensitive?" He chuckled as he let me catch my breath.

Standing back up, he kissed me again, swapping between nibbling on my lips and pushing his tongue into my mouth, all the while his fingers worked my clit. As he applied more pressure, my knees buckled again, but this time he was there to catch me, pushing me back against the wall to keep me upright, he was relentless, as he pressed harder while drawing circles around my clit, as he moved to nibble my neck, all I could do was cling to him as my orgasm hit.

He held me close, his hand still gently playing with my clit as he watched me ride out my high.

“I’ve been dying to see you like this for months.” Tom whispered, stroking my neck with one hand, and stroking my wet folds with the other.

The noise outside my dressing room door broke us out of our trance.

“We should probably go join the rest of them for the party.” Tom mumbled, glancing behind him to check the door was closed, before removing his hand from my underwear and bringing his fingers to his mouth to taste you.

You let out a moan at the loss of his touch, knowing you needed more of him.

“But…” I started, knowing that now wasn’t the time, but I just couldn’t help it, I wanted more.

“So needy.” He chuckled with a satisfied smile on his face, I sighed as I pulled his lips back to mine and rolled my hips against his, hoping to pull us both back into the trance we’d been in.

“Later, baby.” Tom moaned as his pulled away from me completely. Reaching out for my robe that was hanging on the back of my door.

As he walked back towards me, he tried to adjust his raging hard on through his trousers, eliciting a quiet groan to escape from his lips. He gritted his teeth hard as he wrapped the robe around my shoulders.

“We should get you tidied up and looking presentable again.”

———

In the dressing room, he had quietly helped me dress and waited patiently while I attempted to fix my hair and face. We didn’t talk about what had just happened, and I was desperate for him to say anything about it, I needed clarity, was that just a one off, or was there going to be a later? He stayed by my side until he was pulled away by the director as we approached the bar to order drinks.

As I watched him leave, I tried, desperately, not to over think it all. And threw myself into having a good night instead, I chatted happily to the rest of the cast and crew, and drank and danced the night away. I had assumed Tom was somewhere amongst the crowd doing the same thing.

Suddenly it was 3am, and I was exhausted. Several of the others were all starting to make their way to the exit, as the guy I had been chatting with at the bar bid me goodnight as he left, I glanced around the room for Tom. Just as I thought that maybe he’d left already, my eyes found him, was already staring me down from across the bar, practically ignoring the group of people chatting animatedly around him.

I smirked at him, I knew that look. It was the same as the look he gave me in the dressing room earlier. As I made my way over to him, slowly, hugging and saying goodnight to various people as I moved through the crowd, he never took his eyes off me.

As I got close, he excused himself from the conversation he had been ignoring and moved towards me, winding an arm around my waist and kissing me on the cheek as he started to guide me towards the exit.

“Hey you.” He whispered.

“Where’ve you been all night?” I asked genuinely wondering why he’d left my side so quickly after we got into the bar.

“Sorry, my agent hustled me away to chat with some producers about a project. Did you have a good night?”

“Yeah, very good, lots of dancing and lots of wine.” I giggled as we made it outside, he led me away from the crowd of people congregating by the doorway waiting for taxies.

“You looked like you were having a good time with that guy at the bar before, or should I say he was having a great time looking down your dress.” Tom grumbled.

“Ohh, is that a hint of jealously I can hear?” I smirked at him.

At that he spun me around, pressing me up against the wall, his hands pinning my hips, his eyes boring into mine. I could see him gritting his teeth as he stared down at me considering his next words.

“Would you mind if I were a little jealous?”

“Not at all. In fact, I really quite like it.” I smiled sweetly up at him, this seemed to relax him a bit, clearly he’d been doing more overthinking than I had tonight. I reached my arms around his neck and pulled him down to my lips as his body melted against me.

“Hey Tom?” I pulled away as he started nibbling on my earlobe.

“Mmmhmm.”

“Is is ‘later’ yet?” I asked as innocently as possible.

“So needy…” He chuckled into my neck as he peppered light kisses down and along my collarbone.

“Do you mind if I’m a little needy?” I questioned him, the same way he had me.

Tom stopped what he was doing to look at me. “Not one bit.” He smiled. “Shall we get out of here?”

“I thought you’d never ask.” I grinned back at him, as he pulled me towards the nearest taxi, finally knowing we about to finish what we started after he’d dowsed me in champagne earlier.

#fanfic #fanfiction #tom holland fanfiction #tom holland drabble #tom holland smut #tom holland one shot #tom holland champagne

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sailorbadger · 4 years ago

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The Fandom’s Least Favorite Character - an analysis on Kate

Kate is probably the most hated character in the Robin Hood fandom. Not even probably, she is the one who consistently gets the most hate. So, what has she done? Did she commit several murders? Did she kill off a beloved character? Did she do something so problematic that she deserves to burn in hell? Did she do war crimes? No, her biggest sin is existing among unfair circumstances.

The title of this post is kind of a lie. This analysis is not really about Kate as a character, but about how she is written, how the narrative presents her and how this all affects the fandom’s treatment of her. I started writing this because I am sick of seeing so much unnecessary hate for Kate. This is just me commenting on larger trends I have witnessed and a decade’s worth of frustrations finally being written out. If you do recognize yourself from some of my descriptions, I hope that this post will give you something to think about, but just know that this is not meant for any one person in particular.

I’m not going to try to convince anyone to think of Kate as their favorite character. I’m not even trying to make anyone like her. I’m just trying to see why she is so hated within the fandom. So, let’s start off with how it all began. Grab some snacks, you’re going to need them; this is a long one.

Introduction: Is it all Merlin’s fault?

To understand the context in which Kate was introduced to the show, let’s first look at where we left off at the end of season 2. I’ll start with the in-universe changes first. The biggest change obviously is that Gisborne murdered Marian. This altered the whole course of the show. Marian was such a central part of not only the show but also the Robin Hood legends, that at that point it was obvious that things were going to change. Will and Djaq left the show as well. Them leaving is not as dramatic of a change for the show’s narrative since they were not as central as Marian, but they did make up one third of the gang. This meant that there was a need for new characters to be introduced in season 3.

In our world, things changed between seasons 2 and 3 as well. There was a larger gap in production than before (with seasons 1 and 2 coming out in consecutive years and there being a gap year between seasons 2 and 3), and some of the people working on the show left or were replaced. Robin Hood’s spot on the BBC schedule was taken over by Merlin for 2008 so I guess we could blame that show for everything that went wrong in season 3. (I’m obviously joking here but conspiracy theories are welcome.)

The most important change in my opinion – and I think this is even more important to how season 3 turned out than anything that happened in-universe in season 2 – is the fact that Dominic Minghella was no longer writing or producing the show. It’s surprising to me that the fandom as a whole doesn’t ever really talk about this, when in many other fandoms creators or showrunners leaving the show are usually a big deal and mark the end of an era. I myself only found out about Minghella’s departure from the show before season 3 this year, but it seems to explain a lot on why season 3 felt so different from seasons 1 and 2.

With all that out of the way, the stage is set, and it is time to look at how exactly Kate came into the show.

Six boots, two feet

Season 3 starts off with my least favorite episode of the whole show (see my episode ranking for more details). It tries its best to address the events of the season 2 finale, but in a way that will let it quickly get to the season 3 storylines. Unfortunately, the things that happened at the end of the previous season were so important that they would have needed several episodes to cover the full impact of the events.

Kate herself is introduced in episode 2. She is immediately given a reason to hate the villains and join the fight when her brother dies. She doesn’t join the outlaws right away, but when she does, she essentially has to take over three roles at once. I do not think it’s a coincidence that I think episode 4 is Kate’s best episode and that she’s at her best before she actually joins the gang. That is the point in the show when she is allowed to be her own character rather than someone who is trying to fill a void.

Like I said, Kate has three roles to take over; she gets Djaq’s spot in the gang as “the girl one”, Will’s role as “the peasant with personal connections to the people’s suffering” (and interestingly, since Kate’s family is around, her connection could have been even stronger than Will’s) and Marian’s as “the love interest”. Since the season 2 finale got rid of both of the only female characters in the show, it was inevitable that they would eventually be replaced if the show wanted to include any romantic storylines (it was, after all, 2009, so queer representation was out of the question). With three pairs of boots to fill, and only two feet, it should not come as a surprise to anyone that Kate can’t possibly do it all alone. The show does introduce Tuck and Isabella as well to help fill the gaps, but I think Kate gets labeled as “the replacement” far more often than the other two.

A triangle without a base is just an angle

Kate had all the potential for a good plotline. Her brother died, making her hungry for revenge, yet this part of her is only sprinkled in every now and then instead of being a part of her character arc. Instead, she is made a part of not one, not two, but three love triangles.

I’ll start with the Much/Kate/Allan one. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t actually exist. All sides of this “triangle” are… weird. The writers try to frame it as a legitimate love triangle, when only one person in it seems to have any real feelings for another character. Much is shown to be interested in Kate, but we as the audience are never given a reason for why he likes her or even how he fell for her. I guess we’ll just have to take his “I fall in love very easily” (from 2x4) quite literally. Kate does not seem to have any romantic feelings for Much, and she seems oblivious to his feelings as well.

To be honest, I don’t think Kate ever really saw Allan as an option either. At best I could admit that maybe she had a slight attraction to him, but I never got the impression that it was something she would seriously pursue. I don’t think Allan was seriously interested in Kate either. His flirting with her is quite similar to his joke-y flirting with Marian and Djaq. My friend and I talked at length about this, but Allan doesn’t seem like the type of person to flirt for real. This could be a whole analysis on its own, so I won’t go too deep into it here. But I don’t think Allan considers Kate a legitimate romantic option.

So, this “love triangle” only exists in Much’s head and in the narrative the writers try to force on the audience. The Kate/Allan side of it is practically dropped the minute Kate/Robin becomes a thing.

Then there is the Much/Kate/Robin/Isabella triangle that is not a triangle either. I already covered Much/Kate for the most part, so I won’t go into it. Since the Robin/Isabella relationship is not that central to Kate’s character, I won’t bore you and myself by going through it that deeply. The buildup for that relationship is practically nonexistent, and so is the end of it. The whole Robin/Isabella relationship feels forced, because the writers didn’t know how to properly replace Marian while coming up with something new.

Kate’s crush on Robin seems to develop out of nowhere as well. It looks like a pattern when it comes to romances this season. Robin himself doesn’t appear to have any romantic interest towards Kate until he and Isabella “break up”. After that point, their relationship progresses way too fast. It doesn’t help that they seem to have no chemistry between them, and Robin treats Kate like a child and then five seconds later proceeds to make out with her.

Honestly, if Kate had to have a romance with a character on the show (and with it being 2009 obviously they could not fulfil my dreams of Kate being bi but that’s beside the point), it should have been with Archer. The two of them had more chemistry in the 30 seconds they worked together in 3x12 than Robin and Kate had the entire season. It would have also made me far less uncomfortable, since the characters would have been closer in age. Which brings me to my next point.

“There is only one thing worse than a rapist – a child”

How old is Kate supposed to be? Seriously, this show can’t seem to make its mind about her. In general, I do not trust anyone’s age on this show unless it’s been stated somewhere. I know some people try to base the characters’ ages on the actors’ real ages, but to that I say, “fuck that”. Archer is the best example of the fact that this show did not even try to cast people who are the right age, or even look the part. (Seriously, he does not look even close to being 20.)

That being said, Kate is written like she is both 15 and 25 at the same time. I don’t know if the writers had a specific age in mind when they were writing her, but there is a huge difference between those ages. I think it’s the most reasonable thing to assume that she’s in her late teens, maybe at most in her very early twenties. She is still living with her family (I know that most women at the time married in their 20s but it’s not like this show is concerned with historical accuracy) and her behavior is a little immature at times. With all that said, I hope it doesn’t come as a surprise to anyone that I find it incredibly uncomfortable that all the men that are presented as possible love interests to her are fully grown men.

It is the most obvious in Robin and Kate’s scenes. Like I said earlier, Robin treats Kate like a child and speaks to her in a condescending way, only to then make out with her in the same scene. I must wonder why the writers didn’t just age up Kate. I think it would have been more interesting to make her someone who is already married, and instead of losing her brother, it would be her husband that dies. Of course, I would prefer it if Kate didn’t have to be a part of any of these love triangles to begin with but aging her up would have made the dynamics far less uncomfortable. (I do have to also point out the fact that Meg is also written like she is a teen girl. The show then tries to pair her off with Gisborne, who is even older than the men Kate is being forced into love triangles with. So… yikes.)

Let’s take a break, drink some water

Let’s take a moment to recap what we’ve learned here. First of all, Kate entered the show in unfair circumstances and with only two feet to fill three pairs of boots. She was only ever allowed to be a part romance plots, and she didn’t get a proper character arc of her own. In general, the women in this season were not written well (not that seasons 1 and 2 were the height of feminist television either), and they were reduced to being love interests or tools to further the male character’s plotlines. Without Dominic Minghella involved and with a full year between seasons 2 and 3, the show lost some of its charm. Unfortunately, this meant that Kate was not the best written character. But I do not think she deserves all the hate the fandom has given her over the years.

Interlude: Doctor Death

Before I get too much into how the fandom has reacted to Kate over the years, I feel like I should explain my own history with this show and the fandom surrounding it.

I started watching the show when it was first airing here on TV. It was some time during season 2, and once I had seen my very first episode, I watched all the following ones as well. With the finale, there was a problem. I had seen 2x12 and knew that the final episode of the season would air the next week. I was so excited for it, but then my mother decided that we would all go out and have dinner. I kept looking at the clock all day, hoping I would make it home in time. I got home just to see the credits rolling. I’m still a little bitter about it.

After this, I was desperate to see how the season ended. I’ll remind you that this was before it was common for shows to be put online officially. Streaming wasn’t really a thing yet. I did the only thing I knew what to do; I went to YouTube. The thing is, I did not know that what I had been watching was the second season of the show. So, you can imagine my confusion, when I find the very grainy version of 1x13 on YouTube and start watching it. Eventually I figured out my mistake and watched 2x13. At some point I watched season 1 as well, but I honestly don’t have that many memories of when I first watched this show. My clearest memory is being betrayed by my own mother when she forced me to go out for dinner.

Since I do not remember what year this all happened in, I did some googling and if I’m correct, season 2 aired here for the first time in the summer of 2009, with reruns in the summer of 2010. Because I have no other memories for context, I can’t say whether or not season 3 was even out in the UK at the time. Anyway, I did not watch season 3 for a few years. I also didn’t engage with the fandom until 2012, when I joined Tumblr. (A side note: while trying to find out when season 2 aired, I found the episode titles and descriptions. Apparently 2x4’s Finnish title was Doctor Death. There were some real gems on that list but this one was my favorite.)

Over the years, I had read bits and pieces about season 3 on the internet. I was still upset about the end of season 2, and the things I read did not make me want to watch season 3. Sometime in 2012-2013 I finally gave in and watched season 3. I was mostly disappointed by the season as a whole, and as for Kate specifically, I found her annoying. In the fandom, I went along with the Kate-hate that was popular in the fandom at the time.

I did a full rewatch of the show with my friend in 2016–2017. During that time, I didn’t hate Kate as much as I did before. Maybe it was that I had a fresh perspective, maybe it was that I had matured in those few years. Who knows? I was mostly disappointed by the bad writing. Even back then, I wished that Kate had been given a proper chance.

The next proper rewatch of the whole series I did was this past winter. I watched the show in a non-chronological order with someone who had never seen it before. This time, I was angry at the writers and found myself half-ironically becoming a Kate-stan. I also began to really pay attention to how the fandom has talked about her over the years and was unnerved by the hate has she gotten.

So, here we are. Time to take a look at how the fandom has treated Kate. Most of this will be based on my own experiences and memories, so if someone else has a different point of view to offer (especially from the early days of the fandom while the show was still ongoing), feel free to comment! I just wanted to give you my own history with the fandom to show that I have indeed been around for most of the fandom’s history.

The hate-train for Kate-town leaves from platform 4

It seems that from the very beginning, Kate was disliked. I remember reading negative comments about her way back in the early 2010s (I would try to look for examples, but I just spent 30 minutes trying to find out when season 2 first aired here and it’s currently 1am so I am not spending any more time googling right now). There are fics that make fun of her and how badly she was written, and most of the jokes and dislike about season 3 seem to always come back to her. This attitude has been present in the fandom in other contexts as well. Over the years, the hate towards Kate has come and gone along with the popularity of the fandom.

Every once in a while, someone has tried to either write Kate better or even see her as a character that was let down by the writers. Mostly this has not led to any significant change in the fandom’s attitudes. I feel like whenever some of the older fans outgrow their Kate-hate by either just maturing and realizing it’s pointless or just not wanting to waste their time making fun of her, new fans come in and start the whole thing all over again.

I am grateful, however, that the general consensus in the fandom seems to be (at least in the year 2021) that the actress is not to blame for Kate’s faults. It still does make me uncomfortable that people go so far as to cross out her face on pictured etc. just to show how much they hate the character. This hate that Kate gets feels very misogynistic at times and is at least partially the result of the show’s misogynistic writing, but the actress deserves no negativity for playing Kate.

What about Isabella?

One thing that is very interesting to note is that while both Kate and Isabella were newcomers in season 3 and were both replacements for Marian in the sense that they were love interests for Robin, only Kate has received a significant amount of hate over the years. So why does the fandom not hate Isabella?

I think that a big reason for why Isabella is tolerated – not necessarily liked, I haven’t seen too many people genuinely enjoying her character – better than Kate is the way the narrative treats them. Kate is essentially forced down our throats. The show is so desperate for us to like her that they end up making her unlikeable. Isabella, on the other hand, is eventually made into a villain, and thus we’re not meant to sympathize with her in the end anyway. (I could write a whole rant about how Isabella’s treatment in the narrative is bad but let’s not do it here.) Isabella also has the advantage of being Gisborne’s sister, so her backstory ties better into already existing characters. I think it’s reasonable to say that Gisborne being a fan-favorite in certain parts of the fandom doesn’t hurt Isabella’s case either.

Isabella is also only involved with Robin, while the show keeps pairing Kate off (unsuccessfully) with almost half the cast. I think she was written in a way that reminds people of Mary Sues, and considering how fandoms tend to not like characters like that, it’s no surprise that Kate got all the hate she did.

Murder and being annoying – they’re the same thing, right?

So why exactly does the fandom hate Kate so much? Obviously, the writing is a big reason. Season 3 is not written well, which means that Kate is not written well either. She doesn’t really get a storyline of her own, and instead her main purpose is to be someone else’s love interest. I would also add that Kate doesn’t really get hate for her personality. Most of the hate that she gets in terms of character traits revolves around her being annoying, but that’s not really a personality trait. So I think the issue is not her personality, but her role.

The next reason won’t surprise anyone who has spent as much time in fandoms as I have: Fandoms do not like female characters. Well, I should probably rephrase that. Fandoms tend to hate female characters more easily than male characters. I’m not going to analyze too deeply on why this is, as I’m sure someone has already done research on this with references to actual feminist theory. There is a lot of internalized misogyny in fandoms, and female characters get hate for even the slightest wrongdoing, while male characters who commit far worse crimes often have a strong fanbase that will defend them despite these flaws, especially if said male character is played by a conventionally attractive man.

Kate is also blamed for things such as breaking Much’s heart, even though she was never really aware of Much’s feelings in the first place, so it was definitely not intentional. She’s blamed for every small wrongdoing in a way other characters in the show are not. I’ve seen people criticize Kate for small things that she has not even done on purpose. Some of these people then also go on to ignore the fact that Gisborne has committed several murders, taken part in the oppression of the poor and done many many more atrocious things, and paint him as a more sympathetic character than Kate. I understand if you do not like Kate, but it feels misogynistic that the female characters are held to different standards than the male characters. I can already hear some of the Gisborne-fans saying “but I acknowledge his actions and think what he did was wrong! I just find him to be a misunderstood and/or interesting character”. To those people I will just say: Why are you not applying this same logic for Kate? Why are you making outright hateful comments about her? If you don’t like her, why not just ignore her? If you are a Gisborne-fan and have never made these comments about Kate, this obviously doesn’t apply to you. And even if you aren’t a Gisborne-fan, but you do recognize this way of thinking in yourself in regard to some other character, I encourage you to think about it critically. I just used Gisborne as an example since I know he’s perhaps the most popular male character in the fandom (at least if Ao3’s numbers are anything to go by). I’ve also seen a similar attitude from a lot of Allan-fans, though in their case the hypocrisy is often not as obvious, but I’ll return to Allan in a moment.

Many female characters end up getting hate because they get in the way of a popular (often m/m) ship. In this regard, Kate is kind of an outlier since she doesn’t exactly do that, since there isn’t really a ship to get in the way of. Sure, she’s eventually paired off with Robin, but Marian is already dead by the time she shows up, and if people were truly bothered by someone other than Marian trying to get Robin’s attention, they would also hate Isabella with the same intensity. I do think there is one “ship” Kate does come in the middle of, and here’s where we get back to Allan.

Now, the ship Kate does get in the middle of is not in fact canonical. I am of course talking about the popular Allan/OC trope. If you go on Ao3 or Fanfiction.net, you won’t have a hard time finding fics where Allan is paired with an OC. This is understandable, seeing that the show only has four main female characters to begin with, one of whom is already in a love triangle with other people, one of whom canonically ends up with someone else, one of whom is actively hated by the fandom and one of whom just does not interact with Allan.

I want to make it clear that I think it’s fine if people want to come up with their own OCs for the purpose of shipping them with existing characters, it’s just not my thing, especially when those OCs are any level of self-inserts. (I personally don’t feel the need to ship Allan romantically with anyone. I just tend to not like OCs in any fandom.) Since Kate is presented as a potential love-interest for Allan, I think many fans who would rather see Allan with their own character or even themselves view Kate as an obstacle or a threat.

As you may see, this fandom, like many others, unfortunately treats the women in the show differently from the men. Male characters like Gisborne are viewed as redeemable so long as they are attractive, but Kate is irredeemable for… breaking Much’s heart and/or getting in the way of Robin/Marian or Allan/OC? This is something that really bothers me. I don’t mind the fact that people don’t like Kate, it’s the extensive hate she gets that makes me uncomfortable.

Conclusion: Where do we go from here?

Like I said in the beginning, I am not asking anyone to say Kate is their favorite character or to even like her. I just wanted to provide some things for people to think about regarding how they treat female characters. I think it’s about time the fandom took a proper look at itself and critically thought about how it speaks about female characters. It’s 2021, let’s not hate on female characters just for being a little annoying or getting in the way of shipping.

I haven’t seen the fandom analyze that much why season 3 is the way it is. I would love to see some meta about how Dominic Minghella’s departure and other behind the scenes factors contributed to the story and aesthetics of season 3. I would also love to see some actual analysis on the season 3 characters that isn’t focused on tearing them down. If the fandom never made another post about how terrible Kate is without providing any actual reasons, I would be happy. I can sort of understand this immature hatred coming from 15-year-olds, but I’m disappointed to say that I have seen fully grown adults tearing down Kate in this quite misogynistic way. I know that many people do not intend for their dislike of Kate to come across as misogynistic, but it does not erase the fact that that is how many of those hateful comments appear.

I think Kate had a lot of potential. Season 3 had a lot of potential. It is quite a move to kill Marian in the middle of a Robin Hood story, so they had the chance to take the story to all kinds of places. Unfortunately, the season 3 we ended up with was not of the same quality as the previous seasons. Instead of just hating on the characters or story in general, I think we should focus on really analyzing the season, and even coming up with our own ways of improving it. Many people have already done this (though unfortunately many of these attempts also include thinly veiled hatred towards Kate. It’s your story, why are you not treating her any better than the actual writers of the show?), but there’s always room for more takes.

At this point I will shamelessly advertise my own “Kate should have been the new Nightwatchman” theory and my Nightwatchman-fic. I wrote the latter in a way that would let it be a part of canon if necessary. I think that by refocusing the story and shifting the way we read the text, we can find new aspects of season 3, and perhaps even enjoy it more. That is what happened to me during my latest rewatch, and all it took was watching it in a non-chronological order and talking about it with someone who had never seen the show.

I’m not trying to gatekeep the fandom and say that only thought-provoking analysis or fix-it fanfiction is allowed. I just feel like people should be more conscious of the message they are sending out when they write hateful comments about Kate, censor her name or even cross out her face from pictures. Is it actually funny? Are you contributing something to the conversation? Is it actual criticism or just hate for the sake of hate? You don’t have to start writing posts in the defense of Kate, but you can just start ignoring her. It’s not that difficult. It’s fine to make jokes, but let’s start thinking about what our jokes say about us.

I once more want to emphasize that this is not a callout post I wrote with any one person in mind. So, if you felt offended when I was talking about Gisborne-fans, Allan/OC-shippers or Kate-haters in general, I can assure you that this post was not about you personally. This is not about any individual person. I’m just commenting on trends in the fandom I have noticed over the years. I don’t think any of you have committed any sins or that you need to be cancelled. I just hope that if you did feel guilty reading this, you’ll realize that maybe this post was something you definitely needed to read. As a woman, I would love it if this fandom worked on getting rid of its internalized misogyny.

I’m not claiming to be right on all of this, in fact I have a lot of bad opinions as well. I hope this post has provided people with things to think about. Feel free to use this as a starting point for your own meta or analysis. I’ll end my rant here, and leave you with this thought:

Kate had a lot of potential to be a good character. She did not let us down. The writers did.

#robin hood bbc #bbc robin hood #I'm not gonna tag any characters just to be polite #this is less of an analysis and more like a rant #the second half really is something #90% of this was written at night so it shows #anyway I hope every kate-hater reads this

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ontheblock · 3 years ago

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Oh wow that's super interesting! Uhm, if you don't mind of course, i'd like to give my take on Boruto Oro? Listen at this point canon is practically ignoring him, the only times he comes back on screen is when Mitsuki has a problem, however from what I have watched Orochimaru went from being a major villain, to an antagonist to... "Hey, this guy is pretty much immortal now and too much trouble for us to deal with so let's just stay out of his business and they'll stay out of ours", i don't know how far you got into Boruto but in some episodes he appears in it seems they're still pretty powerful, i think you can still find clips on YouTube of him legit turning a woman into atoms without even moving (plus the fight he had afterwards were it's shown he can regenerate limbs), and in the novel they wrote about Mitsuki it's shown that's he's still not above using problematic methods to get what he wants (what with Oro erasing Mitsuki's memory everytime he made the choice he didn't want, even if the choice he wanted was for his son to be more 'independent' it's still a pretty suspicious course of action to take). So really, i think it's a case of bad writing and not really knowing what to do with their character anymore, they had something laid out with them, they're in domicile jail being constantly watched, but they're powerful enough to the point where you KNOW he could get out and he just doesn't want to, so really i don't know why Orochimaru isn't used as much as he used to anymore??? They have a perfect opportunity to have a morally gray character (not that he already wasn't) who would only work with others if there's something to gain, if there's personal benefit. Plus i think he looks classier for some reason, he doesn't look as much like a basement dweller anymore (even if that was sexy as fuck)

tldr he could be such a good character in boruto but the writers don't know what the fuck to do with him so it's better to just. stay in hc realm unfortunately 😩😩😭😭😭

i could open so many boruto rants bc i absolutely hate what they did to the franchise after shippuden. i always suspected a 2nd gen kind of thing but they really ruined it for me personally. but that’s a different rant lmao-

honestly, i don’t plan on ever fully watching boruto. i‘ve seen episodes, i‘ve seen separate scenes that interested me and i read about it and talk to fans to stay updated on the plot. i‘m not shitting on boruto, i just don’t enjoy the whole futuristics and i hate how they grew bored of their villains. i get it, orochimaru has been the og since naruto classic but they nerfed him so badly. yeah, he‘s stronger than ever and he‘s a better parent than sasuke and naruto to some degree (in my eyes at least) but they basically had a character with all the potential and just stopped?? it just seems sloppy to me. like he‘s been the villain for too long, get rid of him.

i also lowkey don’t like how they did kabuto. to me his whole character was about an identity crisis. as a spy he never got to be an individual and only took on identities. but ig it makes more sense than orochimaru‘s nerf lol.

at first i was like "so when is oro gonna betray the village again?" until i realised that’s not what they planned for him. i could even see him pull a kakuzu by stealing classified information and just fucking of, maybe being chased down by his son‘s, make it their own arc. ig we can only speculate how things could’ve gone if orochimaru stayed true to his twisted persona (as they literally stated in naruto lol) since they will leave oro in the category of "can destroy the whole village but had a change of heart and started being interested in humanity.. somehow" which is unfortunate. like you said, he‘s still willing to use unorthodox methods so he just chose this life in the village and even established otogakure again.

basically, boruto isn’t canon to me, shippuden‘s end is partially canon lol. i do really like his design in boruto tho <3 i prefer the og look but it’s pretty. i like that they kept the androgynous vibe. (you can also write better angst with pre 4th war oro hehehehe)

#block‘s inbox #naruto #orochimaru #mini rant

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catie-does-things · 5 years ago

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I can't fully commit to shipping Zutara, but your meta has definitely changed my tune on Zutara vs Kataang. Out of genuine curiosity however, say you were on the writing team and had to go along with making kataang canon, what would you have done to help rewrite the ship to make it better (I know you say that Katara doesn't get much out of their relationship, so what would she get out of the relationship?) (You can point me to a fic if that you've written about this already elsewhere).

To be honest, if I really could change anything at all, the very first thing I would do would probably be to make Aang and Katara the same age - either by making Aang older or Katara younger, but preferably the former. 12 and 14 is just an extremely awkward gap in maturity. I suppose if you wanted to keep the age difference but bump them both up a year or two that could also solve this problem. Or make them both 13. Whatever.

But more than just their actual ages, they would need to be written as emotional equals. When Katara mentions her mother’s death in The Southern Air Temple, for example, Aang should take more notice of this and make an explicit show of sympathy, rather than being solely focused on his own hopes for what he’ll find at the air temple the way he is in the actual episode. There are tons of opportunities for little tweaks like this throughout the show, and it wouldn’t have to be done every single time, but basically we would need to see Aang expressing understanding and emotional support for Katara in the same way she does for him.

To look at one more example, in The Serpent’s Pass, we see Aang still struggling with losing Appa and emotionally withdrawing from the rest of the group because of it. Katara notices this and is concerned about him, especially when Aang rejects her attempts to comfort him. This is resolved following the birth of the refugee couple’s baby, after which Aang says:

I thought I was trying to be strong. But really I was just running away from my feelings. Seeing this family together, so full of happiness and love, it's reminded me how I feel about Appa ... and how I feel about you.

And then they hug it out. It’s a sweet scene. But it’s all about Aang and Aang’s feelings, and it didn’t have to be that way. Aang could have also said something to the effect that he realized the strain his emotional distance put on Katara, and that it was unfair to her. This would have validated Katara’s feelings as well as his own, and shifted the focus away from being only about him.

Of course, if you’ve read my meta on The Southern Raiders, I talked a lot in that post about how Aang’s attempts to offer Katara moral guidance and emotional support in this episode came off as really immature and ineffective. This episode would probably need the most in-depth re-write to “fix Kataang”, but off the top of my head some things I’d change: Get rid of Aang’s initially dismissive attitude towards Katara’s desire to confront her mother’s killer, make his attempt at empathy focus more on the genocide of the Air Nomads and less on losing Appa, cut the false equivocation between Katara and Jet, have Aang present the concept of forgiveness in more nuanced terms, and maybe even have Aang go with Katara and Zuko to create more opportunities for him to offer her the emotional support that, in the episode as is, she’s only getting from Zuko.

And then I did briefly suggest a tweak to The Ember Island Players in this meta post. Basically, use the concept of the characters reviewing their past adventures to push Katara closer to realizing her own feelings for Aang - though she can still have reservations about the timing - instead of making her seem more confused than ever. And yeah, if we want this to be a fairly straightforward romance arc where they can just kiss at the end of the finale and that’s a satisfying resolution, then we should cut the entire balcony scene between Aang and Katara in this episode so as not to complicate things unnecessarily.

(If we do keep the balcony scene, then we need to make room for a follow up on it at some point where Aang apologizes for not respecting Katara’s boundaries.)

I could list a bunch of other little things I’d change (for example, in The Fortune Teller, have Katara make the connection that Aang is a powerful bender on her own, rather than because Sokka points it out), but none of them individually would make or break the ship. The general guiding principle is that Katara’s feelings need to be given the same narrative weight as Aang’s, which means they need to be more upfront, and Aang needs to be more supportive overall.

That is of course a lot of changes. If I had to “fix Kataang” by making just one change, it would probably be to cut the problematic scene in The Ember Island Players, which would still leave us with a one-sided narrative of the relationship, but at least one that didn’t undermine itself at the eleventh hour for no reason. In my personal opinion, however, while either approach to “Kataang done right” would be better than what we got, both would still fall short of the narrative strength and dramatic impact of Zuko and Katara’s relationship exactly as it was in canon, so there would still probably be a huge number of Zutara shippers.

#anti kataang #avatar the last airbender #anonymous #catie answers things #atla meta

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frosteee · 5 years ago

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Undertaker & Ciel’s Relationship (so far)

I’ve mentioned before in previous posts, and other people in the fandom have talked about it also (way before me, so I’m tagging on lol) that UT doesn’t see the Phantomhive twins as individuals, but simply members of the Phantomhive family.

That got me thinking about how UT has treated O!Ciel so far, leaving R!Ciel to the side for now.

Talking with @frederickabberline got me to realise that, aside from maybe one or two exceptions, UT refers to everybody by some title or other, usually their job (e.g.: ‘Mr Butler’ for Sebastian, ‘Earl’ for O!Ciel). And when he does refer to someone by name, which is exclusively or pretty much exclusively the Phantomhives, he always attaches that last name.

For example, most recently, when addressing Frances, even though she married out of the Phantomhive family and became a Midford, UT still addresses her as ‘Lady Frances Phantomhive‘. It’s as if the man is incapable, or unwilling, to personally recognise anyone who is not a Phantomhive.

In our discussion, frederickabberline mentioned that this detachment could be a deliberate/subconscious act for UT to protect himself from further heartache. His glee at other’s expense, leading to very, very problematic comments, could also be an extension of this. Still not excusable, but it’s an explanation.

So, how has this mindset affected his relationship with O!Ciel so far?

The Phantomhives are interchangeable to him (AKA The Amorphous Blob of Phantomhives)

On the surface this can be seen as a good thing. After all, to favour one twin over the other for x reason, as Lizzie acknowledges to herself, is inherently selfish and unfair to the other person, no matter how much of an honest or natural feeling it is.

UT does not have such a preference. When he meets O!Ciel in the Chapter 131 flashback, he calls him ‘Little Phantomhive’ and cannot tell whether he is the younger or elder brother, before stating that he doesn’t care which, not because he likes them equally but because they are Phantomhives.

As far as he is concerned, the twins are mere parts in the amorphous, ever-growing Phantomhive blob. They have no identity outside of being Phantomhives, the same as Frances. He had no special bond with either twin because the only connection between them and himself that mattered was their family name.

If UT was interested in getting to know either twin as a person, like the opportunity he had in the Ch.131 flashback, he would have attempted to seriously differentiate the two.

While he does ask which twin O!Ciel is, he does it as a rhetorical question, a joke, and then immediately follows it by dismissing the question altogether as he has already decided it doesn’t matter.

More unsettlingly, it appears UT is so disinterested in the development (physical and otherwise) of the individual Phantomhives, that to his eyes they are unchanging. Though UT does remark on O!Ciel’s small stature a few times, this is spoken like/treated as a joke more than an observation from interest.

[There are very rare exceptions to this, but I’ll get into those later.]

This is shown when he responds to Frances commenting on his lack of visible aging by stating that she still looks as if she was ‘born yesterday’.

Even Vincent, whose death UT has lamented the most openly, even shedding tears, is not exempt from this treatment at all. He is no less ‘a Phantomhive anyway’ than his children/relatives, I realised (thanks to frederickabberline again!).

Yes, UT regrets his death, but whenever he has brought it up it is always in the context that he can no longer revive him because his bones were burned to ash. (x and x). He never says anything like ‘He was a dear friend, how could I have failed him’, ‘He was a good man, why was he given such a death?’, ‘We had such good times together,’ - something to indicate an attachment to Vincent as a person.

And then, immediately following his lament, UT once more depersonalises Vincent, just like he did the twins, by stating that at least “the ‘Earl of Phantomhive’ is still with us”. It always comes back to that, as if it’s the only thing keeping him from wallowing in grief for those individuals.

As long as one Phantomhive is alive, he can deal with/suppress/channel his grief of personal losses into a goal which will keep him from losing more, and dwelling on what he has already lost.

Even when he comments on how much he dislikes the Phantomhive Watchdog work, while he mentions O!Ciel he talks about the ‘karma’ or ‘fate’ than hangs over every Phantomhive, the things every Phantomhive Watchdog deals with.

As we hear later, he is resentful of the path the Phantomhives walk, their inability to rid themselves of it (by listening to him/heeding his warnings), and the Watchdog life in general, so he doesn’t care about the effects on Ciel, but the effects the ‘chain of fate’ has on the Phantomhive family and their legacy.

This more recently extends to his statement of ‘I didn’t want to lose anymore Phantomhives’, which is as blatant an explanation as you like. It confirms where his mind has focused all this time.

UT regularly teases/dismisses Ciel regarding the trauma of his past.

@frederickabberline kindly shared with me the moment where UT describes the ‘proper’ method of killing that Jack the Ripper probably used, to O!Ciel, using O!Ciel as a prop - even though he had a human dummy to use for this purpose.

He may as well have whispered “I know what you did three years ago!”. He’s even gesturing to the boy’s abdomen/stomach area with his ring hand! With his phrasing, and the Japanese text confirms that he literally refers to “steal[ing] the precious thing”, he echoes R!Ciel’s ‘Who stole the candy from my tummy?’ message.

Oh yeah, and he does this while knowingly allowing O!Ciel to sit on the coffin with his dead/bizarre doll twin inside!

Thankfully, O!Ciel doesn’t catch on, but Jesus Christ, UT!

If UT truly cared about O!Ciel’s emotional well-being, just cared about him as an individual, why would he reference one of the most painful moments of O!Ciel’s life in such a sneaky, tactless manner, even if he knew he could get away with it here?

He does it again in Ch. 24, where UT doesn’t even hide what he’s talking about under the context of a different subject, like he did in his first appearance. Here, after remarking that dead children are commonplace in the underworld, he directly tells O!Ciel “The Earl knows that very well, doesn’t he?”.

JESUS CHRIST, UT!

He doesn’t consider O!Ciel’s feelings at all. He cares about his own amusement at O!Ciel’s expense, which extends to basically anyone else. But O!Ciel is a Phantomhive, part of the family UT is so concerned with/attached to he is literally trying to overturn the law of death for them to continue living.

But as I outlined earlier, UT does not care about any of the Phantomhives, at least the ones currently living and the previous Earl beyond the fact that they are Phantomhives.

Therefore, he does not consider O!Ciel’s trauma, or care to know about it. He didn’t care to know how he was different from his twin, they were all the same to him, so why would he care now?

Even if we consider that this black/gallows humour is UT’s personal way of coping, anyone with an ounce of tact would still not do this in front of others who they know such humour will hurt. Maybe UT has too many screws loose to care, or he is so detached he simply does not have room for it in his head.

UT does advise O!Ciel to take care of his soul, as he only has one - which considering his history with R!Ciel (who is still chilling in the zero gravity float spa coffin in the room somewhere), makes sense. But he’s still speaking to O!Ciel as a Phantomhive.

While UT is very well aware of O!Ciel’s contract to Seb the demon, and aware of the danger O!Ciel has placed his soul in, he later contextualises this as the result of O!Ciel holding the same ‘great power’ as his ancestors, which leads to them forgetting the importance of their lives/their souls.

So again, it’s about the Phantomhives as a whole, and how O!Ciel is repeating the same mistakes as his ancestors. He isn’t concerned with O!Ciel’s feelings here, even though he is clearly re-living that traumatic event front the past.

The final, and most damning, is UT’s attitude towards O!Ciel when the existence of R!Ciel is revealed. He reacts to O!Ciel’s obvious disgust, grief and terror with a shrug and exasperated “What? How can you not like this? Does it really matter if he’s alive or dead?”

UT is so detached from O!Ciel as a person, and detached/disinterested in general from human feelings beyond his own - consciously or otherwise - that he cannot fathom how the twin of the zombie twin he brought back might have an issue with what UT did.

UT is projecting, I think, his own feelings/expectations onto O!Ciel in this scene. Easy to do, because he had detached himself from the boy personally. If UT were in O!Ciel’s shoes, he would be delighted, because at this point that it does not matter to UT in what form such and such returns, human or bizarre doll, just so long as they do, and that it will be as if they never died.

And this comes before the revelation that R!Ciel’s dead body was ‘watching’ him the whole time!

Again, it’s unclear whether UT is simply bonkers and doesn’t care anymore or if he’s genuinely unable to focus on anything other than his end goal to acknowledge how messed up it is and how it’s hurting O!Ciel.

Exceptions to the rule

So far, I can point to two incidents that deviate from the usual detached manner in which UT deals/relates to O!Ciel.

The first comes in the Campania arc when UT entrusts his treasured funeral lockets to O!Ciel. Ch.64.

The look UT gives O!Ciel is important, and it is the first of two key moments which could lead to their relationship changing perhaps for the better. He looks surprised, shocked, and the light/roundness/look in Ciel’s eyes give him a more innocent, childish look.

The close up between them indicate that they are really looking at one another. Or, if this is purely UT’s POV, he is really looking at O!Ciel.

I couldn’t swear to it, but this could indicate that finally, UT is seeing O!Ciel as a little boy, not merely an extension to the Phantomhive legacy, and that this reassures him enough to entrust his most treasured possessions - the last remaining pieces of the people he cherished - to O!Ciel.

This, and his expression as he tells O!Ciel that the item is his treasure, is the first time UT shares anything personal with O!Ciel, and they share a connection for a moment, after so many years - many more for UT - of being detached/distant from one another.

The second time comes exactly twenty chapters later (may not be relevant, but I just noticed that) in the Weston Arc, where UT remarks how O!Ciel is different from his ancestors for saving Harcourt in from the rampaging bizarre dolls instead of just himself, as his predecessors would have done.

This is the first time UT acknowledges something about O!Ciel’s personality that makes him himself, and not merely an extension of the Phantomhive family or another Phantomhive making the same old mistakes on the same old path. UT seems pleased to see this.

Of course, these incidents happen before the whole ‘Hihi, your dead brother’s corpse was by your side this whole time, Earl!/’Your dead brother is a zombie, why aren’t you happy?’ event, in which he describes the twins as ‘mirrors of each other’, which harkens back to his inability/disinterest to tell the twins apart and all the issues that come with it.

UT himself

It’s difficult to say at this point whether UT is aware that how he is acting/what he is doing is wrong. If he knows that how he is treating/has treated O!Ciel is not the way the child of the family he cares for so much should be treated, and whether he justifies this in his own head (’ends justify the means’ type thing) or whether he is too insane to care anymore.

He does not deny to Othello that he has a few screws loose, so there’s that at least as far as self-awareness goes. He has likely been severely traumatised by the losses he suffered in the past, and whatever else we can theorise about his reaper past, and has done all he can to prevent more - event to the point of alienating and depersonalising the members of the same family he once deeply loved.

Whatever the case, I think enough groundwork has been laid for there to be a conflict later down the road on this point, focusing squarely on how he has viewed the Phantomhive family members for some time, the twins included.

Conclusion

While he has remained largely detached from O!Ciel and only interacted insofar as it suits his goals and his obsession, there have been moments where UT and O!Ciel have shared a personal connection where UT was forced to see O!Ciel as an individual. An individual deserving of more attention and care - PROPER attention and care - than UT has been willing to give in a long time because he has been so focused on his own goals and his own wishes for the Phantomhives.

He may for the first time actually start to consider what is truly best for the twins, instead of simply what he wants.

How he responds to this conflict within him between a newfound personal care for O!Ciel and the goal he has been working so ruthlessly towards for years is definitely interesting to think about.

It could completely throw off-balance how he has thought/operated for so long, and bring back painful memories and force him to confront ugly things about himself that he has either been too blind/mad or single-minded to acknowledge.

He might question a lot of things he’s done, his current plan even, and maybe consider working with O!Ciel and allies rather than separately from them, as he has always done. He might realise that his detachment, disinterest, and depersonalisation are flaws rather than self-protection, that do more harm than good, and realise he needs to change.

Funny, when he goes on so much about how little the Phantomhives change and how it always comes back to bite them - UT is guilty of the same, in his own way!

Anyway, I’m sure his and O!Ciel’s dynamic and relationship will change, possibly quite dramatically, soon!

What do you guys think?

#undertaker black butler #undertaker kuroshitsuji #kuroshitsuji spoilers #kuroshitsuji #black butler #black butler spoilers #ciel phantomhive #Ciel Phantomhive Black Butler #Ciel Phantomhive Kuroshitsuji #theory #discussion #meta

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sokkastyles · 5 years ago

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Thanks for asking! I realize I never elaborated on the Jet/Zuko parallels so here goes.

Season one Zuko/Jet are both extremists, though on opposite sides of the war. Zuko will stop at nothing to capture the Avatar. Jet will stop at nothing to rid the world of the Fire Nation. Zuko is the fallen prince, while Jet is the war orphan, both trying to restore what they’ve lost. And both have significant interactions with Katara.

Focusing on book one first, I’ve already written about how Jet manipulates Katara, which makes it worse not only because she did have romantic feelings for him, but because she was totally taken in by his whole freedom fighter thing. He also manipulates Aang and tries to manipulate Sokka, but Katara was the main one who felt betrayed by him. Katara has such a big heart and fighting spirit but at this point in the story she is fairly naive, and it shows here. She probably never considered before this episode that somebody fighting on the right side could be a bad person.

I also looked up the mouth wheat thing because I’ve seen it a lot in anime for similar “tough guy” characters and as that other post I reblogged said, it is a stand-in for cigarettes. I also found out that it’s supposed to represent a banchou, which is a juvenile delinquent gang-leader. And Jet is the leader of a bunch of feral kids, although they are ostensibly revolutionaries. Longshot, Smellerbee, and the Duke do seem like they have good intentions, and they often call Jet out on his behavior.

I also think there’s a comparison/foil with Katara’s interactions with Zuko in book one, which revolve around the necklace and his attempted kidnapping of her. Zuko tries to manipulate Katara using her mother’s necklace but is not very good at it. Not necessarily because he has any moral compunctions but because he’s just not that socially adept. He is most often the victim of his father and sister’s manipulations and the few times he tries to copy them he fails ridiculously, because he is incredibly literal-minded. He’s blunt and often fails to understand things that aren’t directly spelled out. He is not a manipulator.

I’ve also seen people compare Jet flooding the Fire Nation village to Zuko burning down Kyoshi Island, in order to make Zuko look worse, but as I’ve said before, Zuko burning down Kyoshi Island was not intentional, it was something that happened as a result of reckless firebending. That doesn’t make it any less bad, but it seems like it’s been popular recently to add this to the list of things that make Zuko “problematic,” so much so that I actually forgot that scene and was surprised when I rewatched the scene recently and discovered it wasn’t the intentional razing of the village that some people on tumblr make it out to be. Zuko’s fault there was simply not caring about the collateral damage in his pursuit of Aang. He wasn’t intentionally trying to burn down the village. Plus, if we were being honest, all the gaang would cause destruction wherever they went given how much bending they do. That’s not something the show dwells on, though, the way that superhero movies don’t dwell on New York getting destroyed for the hundredth time (unless it’s a deconstruction of the genre).

What Jet does is much more deliberate. He’s aware that what he tricks Katara and Aang into doing will cause the deaths of innocents, and dismisses Smellerbee when she tells him so, and he’s aware that the gaang will not approve of his actions enough to hide it from them. There’s also an interesting elemental parallel/foil, Jet destroys a village with water and Zuko destroys one with fire - foreshadowing that water can also be destructive? Hama, anyone? Robert Frost said it.

I think I know enough of hate to say that for destruction ice is also great, and would suffice.

Anyway.

Book two, the Jet/Zuko parallels/foils are much more explicit, and highlighted by the fact that they actually meet in book two. Zuko’s on redemption road, although he doesn’t know it yet. Jet explicitly states that he wants redemption, although he’s still doing the same things he was doing before. He enlists Zuko in helping him steal stuff because he thinks he’s entitled to it, and I guess you can argue about whether it was justified, since the captain was treating the refugees unfairly, but Jet mostly seems interested in stealing food for himself and his group. To be fair, Prince “ew, poor people” Zuko doesn’t exactly have egalitarian motives, either, which is why helping Jet steal food is a regression in his arc. It’s him donning the Blue Spirit identity (although without the mask) once more because he’s trying to get closer to the material life that he lost. It’s also hilarious that when Jet asks Zuko to do this, Zuko’s dumb ass is like “well, Uncle did tell me to make friends.” Sometimes I wonder who was more naive, book one Katara or book two Zuko. Iroh is like “god, I leave him alone for five minutes and he joins a gang.”

When Jet keeps pressing Zuko about joining the Freedom Fighters, Zuko says no. Again, not for any moral reasons, but because he knows that if Jet keeps pressing, he might find out who Zuko really is. Zuko is honest with Jet when he says “I don’t think you want me in your group.” Not for good reasons, again, but the claim that Zuko somehow manipulated Jet is absolutely wrong. Jet was the one who approached Zuko and made assumptions and got pushy when Zuko said no.

Jet does genuinely want and try to change, but his major temptation is finding out that Iroh is a firebender, which he finds out right after he gets pissed that Zuko rejected him so I do think that was part of his motivation for going after them, considering how pushy Jet acted with the gaang when they rebuffed him. Jet, of course, fails the test, although what happens to him certainly isn’t his fault, even if he did make mistakes. It’s a tragedy that in the end, the choice to turn his life around was taken from him, and he was betrayed by the people who he thought were the good guys. This also highlights the theme that sometimes people on the “good” side can be not nice people, which in turn paves the way for Zuko’s redemption and the wider theme that it is actions that matter the most, not which nation you are from. Separation is an illusion, folks.

Zuko’s test happens first when he attempts to steal Appa, the last time he dons the Blue Spirit mask, and then in “The Crossroads of Destiny.” Unlike Jet, Zuko doesn’t know he’s being tested, he doesn’t know he needs to change, although Iroh keeps telling him he does. The change happens in Zuko without him realizing it.

Katara tries to heal Jet, and Jet dies. Katara almost heals Zuko, and Zuko betrays her. And this time Aang is the one who almost dies, who Katara has to heal. This certainly contributes to Katara’s mistrust of Zuko later on, all three of these events tied together. And all three boys are people she has romantic tension with.

Which brings me to another reason I dislike Jet, or rather, what he is meant to be in Katara’s story. Many people have pointed out that Katara is romantically attracted to Jet, and his superficial resemblance both to the “bad boy” trope, and to Zuko. There’s a reason Zutara shippers make this comparison, although I believe its purpose in the narrative was actually to be anti Zutara and provide support for Kataang, but because the writers really didn’t know how to write Kataang properly, it ends up as the opposite.

Recently I saw a post by a popular blog that was anti Zutara that cited Jet as an example of Katara having “low standards.” And like, I can’t entirely blame the post for its misogyny (Katara is FOURTEEN) because this is what the writers want us to think. Katara’s attraction to Jet is very much playing on the “girl develops a crush on the jerk who doesn’t care about her” stereotype. This is, subtly, one of the ways that the show punishes Katara for not returning Aang’s crush. Interestingly, in this episode Aang doesn’t get jealous of Jet at all, and doesn’t even notice Katara’s attraction, but that’s because Aang in this episode is also still naive and in his early stages of his attraction to Katara, and also thinks Jet is super cool. Sokka instantly hates Jet, though. And Sokka is right, but he also has flavors of the over-protective big brother. I do remember that this episode left a sour taste in my mouth because of the (thankfully downplayed) implications that Katara is a silly girl who falls for the “wrong” types of guys because women don’t know what they want and need a man to help them “discover” their feelings. I also think this is meant to be subtextual in Katara making the hat for Jet which Aang ends up wearing, because Aang is the “good guy” who really does care about Katara, you see? Thanks show, I hate it. To be fair, I blame the writers for this, not Aang. Aang is just having fun hanging out in a treehouse and gets to wear a cool homemade hat. It’s the writers who put this weird misogynistic pressure on Katara.

It’s funny though when people compare Zuko to Jet in order to prove Zutara wrong, because when you compare the two, Zuko is the one who ends up looking better, the one who works hard to repair his damaged relationship with Katara, who genuinely did change. The one whose life she could save after he had done the work to save himself.

#zuko #katara #jet #zutara #anti-kataang #kinda

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loveislattes · 5 years ago

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Patience Is Key (Darkiplier/Fem!Reader) Chapter 1

Commission prompt: Reader only knows that sex is pain, so Dark shows her otherwise...?

Caution! This story does contain mentions of past borderline-abusive relationship and there is one scene that slightly delves into the situation, but it never goes further than pushing and forced kissing.

This chapter is SFW other than some cursing. The next chapter will be the oh so lovely smutty bit. ^^ Chapter 2 will be out next week!

“Ah, damn it!”

The curse left my lips the second I finally registered that I had dropped the extremely large box of pots and pans on my toe, and not on the flat floor as intended. Jerking back, I fell into the rickety wooden chair behind me and pulled my injured foot up into my lap with a wince.

“Why am I such a fucking klutz?!” I wheezed through the pulses of pain.

It took a few minutes of babying my poor toe but eventually, I managed to soothe away the pain and get back onto my feet. Why was it that toe injuries always felt so much worse than other injuries? As I debated that question, as well as the existential existence of pain at all, I got moving about the sparse kitchen once more. The boxes weren’t going to empty themselves after all and I only had the two days until I started my new job to get it all done.

“Lord knows if I had to take one more extra day off, it’d be the end of the world,” I muttered under my breath.

Working retail had to be one of the worst career choices in the world. Sadly, it was all I could find for the time being and this new house mortgage, low as it was, wouldn’t pay itself; Not to mention that my savings were meager at best and wouldn’t last long if I had to rely on them, thanks to my problematic ex.

This house was a blessing in disguise and I definitely couldn’t afford to lose it. A beautiful victorian-style two-story home at only four hundred fifty a month, with no real damage other than cosmetic updates needed? Yeah. It was practically impossible. My first thought was that it had a sordid past, whether drug crime or murder related, but that didn’t seem to be the case thankfully. The owners had inherited it and we’re willing to sell it for a steal just to get rid of it so they didn’t have to pay taxes and insurance. Their loss, my gain, apparently.

I had gotten so lost in my thoughts about work and the house that I was done moving the last of the boxes before too long. Score one for daydreaming!

I set about organizing my cabinets next, emptying the boxes one by one until they were all barren and tossed to the back of the room.

“That’s a problem for future-me,” I muttered, running a hand through my hair with a huff, “I guess dinner is next on the list. Never a better time to find out what take out they have around here!”

I meandered into the living room and plopped down on the worn couch, pulling my laptop into my lap. While waiting for the screen to wake up, I grabbed the TV remote from the coffee table and turned it on as well, needing the background noise with how silent the old home was. I’d definitely have to keep an eye on that or else I’d find myself creeped out even without anything happening. A random cartoon filled the large screen and jaunty music spilled from the speakers as the characters conversed. Shrugging, I tossed the remote back down on the table and returned to my laptop.

After logging in, a quick google search led me to a page full of restaurants both familiar and new to me. Moving to a big city definitely had its perks!

“Now the question is which one,” I sighed.

It took a few minutes of debating but I finally settled on ordering from a highly rated Chinese restaurant across town. I was promised my food in about twenty-five minutes and a delivery tracker popped up on the screen right after.

“That’s nifty!”

Setting the laptop back onto the table with the dimmed screen facing my direction, I let myself be pulled into the ridiculous antics of the cartoon characters on TV until a commercial came on. My eyes instinctively drifted over to the laptop to check on the tracker. The red line was about halfway across, indicating they would be leaving the store soon. Nice! Unfortunately, I also caught my reflection on the screen and couldn’t help but take a moment to fix my hair out of reflex. As I adjusted my top to look less wrinkled, I suddenly noticed a black shape in the background, near what would be the corner of the room behind the couch. I froze, heart pounding in my throat as my eyes widened.

“No way,” I whispered.

Leaning in closer, I focused on the shadow. Too afraid to actually turn around and look, I hoped I could debunk it from this angle alone. I was just about convinced it was actually a part of the LCD going out in that one spot- when suddenly it moved!

“FUCK!”

An uncontrollable screech left my lips as I leaped up from the couch. Spinning to face the shadow, I reflexively snagged up the throw pillow on the couch and tossed it full force in that direction while trying to move away. Unfortunately, I forgot exactly where I was standing in the new layout and the fact that the table was behind me. I was reminded painfully of that fact as my calf muscle slammed hard into the solid wood and I went careening backward. I frantically tried to catch myself but only succeeded in slamming my elbow into the edge of the table and whacking my fingers against the floor in a way that made me see stars.

Tears pricked behind my eyelids as I hissed through the urge to cry. I was about to lie in a puddle of agonizing defeat until I remembered the whole reason I fell. With a curse, I rolled over to my hands and knees, panting as I looked toward the offending part of the room. There was nothing there. No shadow and no reason I should have ever seen one there; no coat rack, no bookshelf, nothing. Just a bare wall.

“What the hell was that?!” I groaned.

Now that there was no impending, visible, threat, I spent a good few minutes taking all my injuries into account. Sore calf, elbow, and fingers. Bruises were likely in each spot, unfortunately. Thankfully it didn’t get any worse than that. With my luck, I was surprised I didn’t crack my head open on the floor instead. It was with a heavy, defeated sigh, that I succumbed to the need to lay flat on the floor and catch my breath.

“I’m losing it. That has to be it. All the stress of the move and being alone just got to me,” I assured myself quietly.

I wasn’t sure how long I wallowed there in self-pity, but it couldn’t have been as long as it felt because I was soon roused by the sound of someone knocking at the door.

“Foooood!”

Collecting my fallen pride and battle wounds, I scrambled up off the floor and rushed to the front door, snagging my wallet from my purse on the way. The delivery driver was nice enough and we made small talk as we exchanged food and money. I thanked him after he mentioned their loyalty program then shut the door before hesitantly making my way back into the living room. As I scanned the rather empty space, I was relieved to find it just as it was before; no shadows in sight.

“I’m probably gonna have nightmares from that shit too,” I muttered, plopping onto the couch and popping open the box.

With a little shake of my head to clear my thoughts, I returned to the show and let the thoughts from the day slowly melt away with every mouth full of delicious food.

…

It took two months of living in the new house to finally feel more at home. Most everything was put away and decorations filled the walls, warming up the once empty and creepy place. I no longer felt like an uncomfortably unwelcome stranger. The thought of that shadow did, unfortunately, still linger in the back of my mind every night though. I’d be fine all day until it was nighttime and dark in the house. Once the sun was down, it was like my gorgeous home was a totally different place. I didn’t see that moving shadow anymore, but I swore I saw things out of the corner of my eye and it constantly felt like I wasn’t alone.

One particularly rough night left me searching the entire house for hidden cameras and trapped doors because I could have sworn I was being watched. Of course, I found nothing of the sort, but it didn’t lessen the fear by much. I even started making myself go to bed earlier than usual just to avoid being alone with my paranoid thoughts. Something had to give before I went crazy!

I was even to the point of considering making new friends; Something to break up the monotony and constant feeling of being alone. Maybe inviting another person into the house would make the eerie feeling go away? One could hope! I wasn’t in the habit of bringing home people, due to my ex, but it was getting to the point where it might be necessary. A person could only take so much alone time!

A rapid knocking on my door tore me out of my lonely thoughts and back to reality with a jolt.

“Who could that be?” I muttered under my breath.

I hadn’t ordered any food and I was pretty sure I hadn’t ordered anything off Amazon recently. Uncurling from my nest of blankets, I hastened to the front door when the visitor knocked again. Impatient buggers weren’t they?

“I’m coming!”

Without thinking to check the peephole first, I pulled the door open and instantly recognized the horrible mistake I had made. I tried slamming the door shut before he could enter but already I was too weak with fear; simply seeing his menacing face leaving me powerless. He was easily able to catch the wood and shove his way in as if I weren’t even there.

“Heeeey baby.”

I wasn’t even given a breath’s moment to respond. Instantly his hands were on my shoulders and I was slammed into the wall. Pain exploded through my skull and my knees weakened dangerously as I struggled through frustration and fear.

“You thought ya could just move away and I wouldn’t find ya, baby? Ya outta know better’n that.”

The familiar sensation of bile rose in my throat when his lips smacked against mine. It took all of my resolves to hold it down. It would only add insult to my injury because he wouldn't give a damn and I’d be left worse for wear.

“Aw, come on. Play nice with me, won’t cha? It’s been far too long since I’ve seen ya.”

All I could manage was a timid shake of my head.

Fuck, it was like this any time he was around! Just being in his presence made the littlest of movements hard, like my body just instinctively gave up to avoid more trouble even though my heart told me to fight. If I could fight back, he’d probably back off after a while but I just couldn’t. Flashes of the times he tried to force himself on me, drunk and belligerent, held me back from it. Giving in was just easier, safer, in the long run.

I felt the numbing sensation of acceptance slide through my muscles when his mouth pressed on mine again. Disgust and hatred bubbled in my gut; not only for him but also for myself. So weak, pathetic.

Out of nowhere, the deafening sound of doors slamming rang through the air, causing us both to jump apart. With a Yelp, I clapped my hands over my ears to block out the painful noise as I looked around in shock for the source. To my utter disbelief, I found the cause to my cabinet doors, opening and shutting at breakneck speed. It only lasted for about half a minute before suddenly they stopped, just as abruptly as they had started. My astonishment was cut short by a cry from across the room.

Having abandoned his pursuit, my ex now stood frozen near the door, ashen white and shaking. Upon closer inspection, I thought I could see a faint shadow around his throat but my line of vision was disrupted when he turned and rocketed out the door. Once the entryway was clear, the door shut calmly behind him.

It was deadly quiet in the aftermath of whatever the hell happened. The sounds of my heavy breath were the only noises in the air. Scared, but thankful, I hesitantly surveyed the kitchen and the living room for any sign of what had caused the disruption. There was nothing, of course. Not even a hint of the shadow I had spotted months ago.

Letting out a nervous sigh, I ran a hand through my hair and said, “Thank you… whoever you are."

I didn’t wait for a response before high tailing it to my room and diving under my fluffy comforter, torn between calling my mom or crying until I fell asleep. My body made the decision for me before I could contemplate it for long, shutting down and passing out quicker than anticipated.

When I woke, it was dark in the room. The radio clock beside my bed read an irritating one thirty am. Despite having slept for six hours, I felt like I hadn’t slept a wink; nightmares resounding in my head like sirens the entire time.

Rather than trying to force myself back to sleep, I slipped out of the bed, determined to get some hot tea or cocoa to help soothe my inner demons. Unfortunately, I spotted my reflection in my vanity mirror on the way by and I felt compelled to stop. My usually glowing skin looked pallor and lifeless and the bags under my eyes gave the same sentiment.

“Fucking hell,” I muttered, pulling at my bedhead locks in frustration, “I’m not gonna recover from this.”

My outside reflection was only a sliver of the mess that was inside my mind though. And I knew I would get over it in the long run but it always felt so impossible at the start. I just had to turn the sadness into anger. My thoughts were derailed by the sudden feeling of eyes on my back; That familiar itching sensation of being watched sending shivers down my spine. I didn’t see anything in the room around me but when I finally turned back to the mirror I spotted it; an eerily familiar shadow. It was only moments before there was a man suddenly standing behind me in the reflection.

Although my mouth moved, trying to scream or make any sort of sound, nothing would come out. Scads of questions bombarded my already frazzled sense of sanity as I tried to scream until eventually a worrying sense of calm washed over me in place of the stilted panic.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” he assured me as if reading my mind.

The low timbre of his voice made the rational part of my brain melt but the way it reverberated around the room sent my hairs standing on end. My body instinctively went stiff and still as his arms reached around my sides. Cool fingers rested on my forearms and slowly rubbed the goosebumps away in a soothing manner while he stepped closer. I could hardly meet his eyes in the reflection without feeling as if I were staring a predator head-on.

“How did you get in here?” I finally managed to ask.

An absolutely devastatingly handsome smirk curled up his lips before he flashed large, sharp, pearly whites down at me.

Oooh fuck, those were some pointy fangs.

��I’ve been here the entire time, darling. You’re the one who barged in rather abruptly when you decided to move in.”

I began to question my sanity once more as his form slowly lost color and brightness in the mirror, becoming a barely distinguishable shadow behind me. Though his touch on my skin never diminished, to the eye he was nearly invisible. Just as gradually, he filtered back into view.

His reasoning was lost to me as I tried to figure out just what was going on until eventually, it clicked.

“You’re the mother fucking shadow that has been driving me insane, aren’t you?!” I shouted, jerking out of his reach and spinning to face him, “Just how in the hell did you do that? Why have you been scaring me? What-”

His hand came up swiftly and I froze immediately, only able to watch as he cupped my jaw. A whimper reflexively slipped out as his thumb pressed against my lips.

“To answer your questions in order: Yes, I am. Shifting is just one of my many abilities. I have not meant to scare you, well, not these last few weeks anyhow. I’ve become- let’s call it- fascinated. Most would have left by now and yet here you stand, heels dug in like a stubborn mule. You’re intriguing.”

The moment he released his hold, I found myself asking, “What are you?”

“What do you think I am?” he retorted, stepping back and slipping his hands into his pockets.

I simply shrugged. How should I know? Before now, I didn’t believe in anything supernatural, but now I was questioning that stance.

“A demon? A ghost?” I replied.

He hummed momentarily before cocking his head to the side, eyes narrowing as they burned into mine.

“Does that scare you?”

So many freaking questions! I scrubbed a hand over my face wearily before slapping my palms against my thighs and mentally admitting defeat.

“Unless you’re going to kill me, no. You were terrifying in that shadow form but now that I’ve seen you face to face, I’m not so scared. Don’t get me wrong, I have a healthy respect for you but it’s also comforting to see that you’re not some decayed-looking ghost who is going to warp my face by looking me in the eyes,” I hesitated as another realization hit me hard then carefully added, “Not to mention, I’m pretty sure you’re what saved my ass earlier… right?”

There was a flurry of emotions across his face as his brows knitted together before he seemed to relax some and amusement showed at last.

“You are just full of surprises, aren’t you?”

I shrugged in response before finally slipping past him to sit on the bed, the shakiness of my legs becoming too much to bear. I could put on a brave face but my body could give way any second. I had been through too much in the last twenty-four hours. Once seated and more comfortable, I met his gaze again.

“Am I right? Were you the one that scared him away?”

He hummed and tilted his head once in a positive indication before adding, “Luckily for him, he’s as cowardly and self-concerned as most of you humans. Had that not have worked, I would have been forced to take further measures.”

The way his echo deepened and his fangs flashed in an animalistic snarl sent more goosebumps up my arms and neck. Fucking hell. My emotions were having a hard time keeping up through it all; enamored by his good looks, terrified by his powerful aura, curious about his existence. He was, simply put, overwhelming.

If it wasn’t for his discoloration, echoing voice, and the fangs, he’d seem like any ordinary human. A very attractive human at that… I had to stop that train of thought right there! I’d be just like me and my horrible taste in men to get a crush on the ghost- demon- thing.

“So, um, you said you were here before me. Are you stuck here, like a ghost or something?” I managed to ask while rubbing my goosebumps away.

“No. This is merely a residence of convenience. Your closet holds a portal to my realm and it’s the simplest way in and out for me. I choose to stay here when I must remain in the human world for any amount of time. You’re the first person to live here in decades.”

I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest in bewilderment when he suddenly moved towards the bed at an inhuman speed. A reflexive flinch had me jerking away when he reached out for me but he was quicker, hand snagging my chin to keep my gaze solely on him.

“Your turn to answer a question for me,” he stated without giving any room for argument, “Who was that man from before, and what is his concern with you?”

Eyeing him warily, I chewed on my lip then answered honestly, “My ex. I wouldn’t say he’s necessarily concerned about me. More so he’s concerned about losing his control over me. He was borderline obsessive and abusive.”

“Do you foresee him being a problem in the future?”

That was a hell of a question. Would he be back? I didn’t even really consider that after how fast he’d run away before but it was always a possibility.

“I honestly don’t know. I guess I should invest in some ADT or something, huh?” I half-assed joked, forcing on a weak smile.

The flat line of his lips told me that he didn’t find my statement as funny as I did. However he did, at last, relinquish his hold on me.

“I will not stand for a brain dead ape damaging my property. If he comes back, he will be taken care of once and for all.”

Some little devious part of my mind dared to question if he was actually talking about the house, or if he was subtly making a claim over me. The domineering air around him made it seem like a slight possibility. I felt the heat flare over my cheeks before I could stop it and quickly wrapped my arms around my chest defensively before sinking back further onto the bed.

As if a private moment were suddenly disrupted, he cleared his throat loudly and stepped back while adjusting his suit jacket.

“I need to be going. It was nice to officially meet you. If it sits well with you, I will be more prominent around the house since I no longer need to avoid you.”

I nodded and awkwardly replied, “Yeah, er, that’s fine. I mean, it’s more your home than mine anyway, right?”

He made a noise of agreement then turned toward the closet, but stopped with his hand on the doorknob. There was an indescribable expression on his face when he turned back; the whites of his eyes darker than before.

A smirk that could only be read as cruel crossed his lips and he said, “You may call me Dark. If he comes back when I’m not here, simply ask for me and I’ll be here.”

#darkiplier x reader #darkiplier fanfiction #two part post #angst #fluff #smut

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wisteria-underground · 4 years ago

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Some thoughts on Hanyo no Yashahime ep. 15 (some serious, some not):

1. Hats off to Riku for being at least a mildly interesting OC. I care about his motivations enough to keep watching the show, which is more than I can say about most anime-only characters. Congratulations to Riku and his amazing eye makeup, here’s to the rest of the season

2. Inuyasha finally got to live the life - more or less - that he and Kikyo originally dreamed about, and I think that’s nice! He has a little house with a garden, and a “job” exterminating demons, and a local community of friends and neighbors, and friends from further afield who come and visit him, and his social circle is a nice mix of humans and youkai. Inuyasha is fully and (by the looks of it) happily integrated into his found community without having to sacrifice either his demon or human side, and I THINK THAT’S NICE

3. In modern times, Kirinmaru would be known as “our family friend” and Sesshomaru would be obligated to introduce him as “Uncle Kirinmaru - well, not my real uncle, I just call him that because he’s known my dad for, like, forever”

4. At first blush, this would make Zero Sesshomaru’s mean auntie, but what with the whole “humiliated by your father” line and the Gold and Silver jewels being made from her tears, I suspect she’s actually a jilted lover - or would-be lover - of Toga’s who now lives to stir up trouble for his kids. Toga probably tossed her aside for Izayoi and she’s clearly still salty about it

5. Rin’s childbirth scene is the worst thing I’ve seen in a long time, but not for the reason everyone’s fighting about. It unfortunately exposes two major flaws, one of writing female characters in the shonen genre, and one of Rin’s character specifically. The first problem is that shonen writers usually have no idea what to do with pregnancy and childbirth, because, I suspect, they have no actual interest in the mother’s experience; for them, pregnancy and childbirth serve purely as plot devices, and the postpartem female body becomes a problem to be gotten rid of as soon as possible.

Usually this is ‘solved’ by killing off the mother right after giving birth. Rin escapes this fate, only to be subjected to having both her babies and her agency taken away. Shedding a single tear? Uttering such an inane line as “I have faith in Sesshomaru-sama” when he didn’t say a single word to her after what was likely hours of being in labor? I confess that this is the point when I lost it and just started laughing, the scene was so bad-hilarious. Nobody is this long-suffering and trusting about being ignored by their husband as he silently kidnaps her children literally from under her nose. Nobody. Rin was done dirty by this scene, and it just underscores the misogyny running through the shonen genre.

Unfortunately, this scene also doubles down on Rin’s role as a device for Sesshomaru’s character growth, which is itself pretty problematic. Her (multiple!!) deaths in IY prompt Sesshomaru toward emotional turning points in his character development, and here again in HNY her confusion and sadness over losing Towa and Setsuna lend pathos to Sesshomaru’s actions. We, the viewers, know that Sesshomaru is hiding the twins away so that Kirinmaru and Zero can’t find and kill them; I think the writers somehow wants the viewer to feel anguish on Sesshomaru’s behalf that he must commit such a seemingly cruel act for the sake of his family’s safety and can’t tell anyone about it because he’s such a tough guy loner etc. etc. But instead it comes across as confusing and unnecessary, especially since Kagome already knows the whole story and asks Sesshomaru point-blank about it. [Edited to add]: This model of stoicism-as-masculinity has not aged well from the original IY run. Female characters should not have to passively accept pain and confusion inflicted on them by male characters in the name of male characters acting “for their own good.” Sesshomaru’s refusal to communicate anything, ever, is not a romantic character trait: it does not make him mysterious or cool or badass, it just makes him kind of an asshole to the people he supposedly cares about, and I hope the rest of the series will actually grapple with that. Sesshomaru, in this scene, kicks off a whole chain of events that end up going disastrously for his family. One daughter stuck on “the other side”? One daughter with her memories and sleep stolen? His wife stuck in a tree? I have a hard time believing all of that was planned. The whole scenario is contrived and stupid and I hate it.

6. Not least because Sesshomaru’s proposed solution makes no sense! What are these babies going to eat? Where will they sleep? If Sesshomaru is ok with bringing newborns into a forest and leaving them under a tree, why wouldn’t he just bring Rin at the same time and make her recuperate from - again- a physically grueling ordeal under said tree? It’s not like he knows what the heck childbirth involves anyway! His whole decision-making process is bizarre and confirms my suspicion, held for some 15 years, that Sesshomaru is not some cool lone wolf type who has it all together, but instead is merely a fuck-up like the rest of us. As any quiet person (*raises hand*) knows, a great way to pick up a reputation for being ‘aloof,’ ‘cold,’ or ‘intimidating’ is to say as little as possible, even if on the inside you are hopelessly just trying to keep your head above water.

This is HNY Sesshomaru in a nutshell:

Where were you going to get all of these things, Sesshomaru?! Oh that’s right you didn’t think that far ahead DID YOU?!????

7. If Sesshomaru is at his mom’s house, and Jaken is at his mom’s house, then who is watching the babies????? (Tbh probably Sessho-mama)

Anyway this episode was A Mess but it was nice seeing Inuyasha and Kagome again. More of them and the rest of the original gang, please!

#just to clarify my take on infant nutrition is 'fed is best' but obviously formula did not exist in the feudal era and more importantly the #text didn't fit #i promise the next post will be about things i actually like about inuyasha and not just ranting #but sesshomaru is for real a disaster #hanyo no yashahime #inuyasha #iy #iy meta #iy analysis #kagome higurashi #sesshomaru #iy rin #hanyo no yashahime spoilers

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meta-squash · 5 years ago

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God’s Own Country and the importance of major character flaws

Here, have yet another long analytic ramble about God’s Own Country and the incredible characters in this film.

An aspect of God’s Own Country that I really appreciate is how realistic and human the characters all are. It’s going to seem strange to say, but I think some of the most “problematic” (for lack of a better term) flaws in Johnny are the most important. I’ve seen criticisms about how his actions are unhealthy or toxic or problematic but I don’t think that’s quite true. I think it’s a good indication of how and why people use unhealthy behaviors as coping mechanisms, and how and why they start to unlearn them.

We are introduced to Johnny at an extremely low point in his life. Now, obviously, we don’t get a huge backstory for him. We know Martin had a stroke, and that now Johnny has had to take over most of the duties of the farm when before he presumably was just a second hand to his father. We can infer from his conversation with Robyn outside of the pub that he had some kind of dreams for the future and getting out (even if they were vague) that were dashed when his father fell ill. And we can infer from that conversation that Johnny had been much happier as a child or teenager and has gotten more depressed and hostile as he grew older. We know his mum left when he was very young, young enough that he doesn’t really remember her.

So he’s very low at the opening of the film. It seems as though this lambing season is the first major event on the farm since Martin’s stroke, and it’s only serving to make Johnny feel worse. He’s angry, he feels stuck, he’s lonely and depressed and overwhelmed. He feels pushed by Martin’s demands and criticisms and inferior whenever he makes mistakes but he’s clearly trying to hold it together. He cares, deep down--I think his reaction to the dead calf is a big indication of that--but I think he also desperately wants to keep those walls up. His coping mechanisms are drinking and lashing out at anyone and everyone around him, regardless of who they are. He keeps everyone at arms’ length by being a hostile, angry person because he can’t handle it. He feels like shit about himself and about his situation and he doesn’t really know how to express his feelings except through unhealthy coping mechanisms and lashing out.

This lashing out is connected to my next thought.

Francis Lee said in that livestream interview last week, and another article as well, that part of the film was inspired by a Romanian friend of his and that friend’s experience with xenophobia in the UK. The first few interactions between Gheorghe and Johnny are characterized by Johnny making casual racist remarks towards Gheorghe. It’s already been established that Johnny is angry and hitting out at everyone, so I think it makes sense that he’s going to try his best to push this stranger away. Especially because he sees the addition of Gheorghe as evidence that he’s inadequate and a fuckup, and it makes him desperate to prove himself by trying to be as independent as possible. I mean, he’s literally refusing gloves and a jacket from his nan. He’s defensive and angry to the point of being completely unable to accept any help or kindness, practically self-destructive via the elements, and yet we can tell it’s got nothing to do with the actual people he’s lashing out at and everything to do with his own fears and insecurities and depression.

So he’s lashing out, calling Gheorghe “g*psy” and “g*ppo” and aside from the racist names and the rude, brusque way he makes comments, he barely talks to Gheorghe. And yet Gheorghe completely sees through him. The “I know what you’re doing” scene isn’t just Gheorghe calling him out on his racism in general, it’s also Gheorghe calling him out on the way he’s trying desperately to use racism to get Gheorghe to leave because he wants to prove he can do it on his own. As soon as he’s confronted, Johnny doesn’t just stop saying racist comments, he also relaxes considerably; before that moment he literally won’t even look at Gheorghe. Once that confrontation goes down and it’s obvious Johnny is all bark and no bite, he starts looking Gheorghe in the eye, glancing at him as he’s working. The little racist comments I think are really important because they’re an indication of how fucked up Johnny is, that he would go that far, but also that they are just a tool to push people away, and not necessarily something he actually feels. Or if it’s comments he makes out of a sort of “back-country” ignorance, he fairly quickly unlearns them. The calf scene, the conversation with Robyn, Johnny’s obvious depression, all indicate that at heart Johnny is caring and gentle and sensitive, but he’s built all these walls of anger and defensiveness and spiky bullshit in order to keep himself from getting hurt, in order to protect himself from more disappointment.

And I don’t think Gheorghe intentionally breaks down those walls, either. That confrontation is just that, a confrontation. It’s Gheorghe telling Johnny to stop his bullshit. But Gheorghe is also a natural carer and his gentleness in the scene where Johnny hurts his hand plus his no-bullshit way of dealing with Johnny’s projected anger and hurt I think solidifies into something in Johnny. It’s the beginning of him realizing that touch and connection can be a comforting thing.

Similarly, it’s established at the beginning that Johnny uses both sex and drinking as coping mechanisms. He absolutely does not let emotion in, everything impersonal and anonymous and quick. He doesn’t allow himself to be touched by others in sexual situations; he is always the one in control. Gheorghe changes this for him, allows him to open up and enjoy touch and enjoy emotional connection and general recognize sex and intimacy as something good and comforting.

But people don’t just change overnight. Or in a couple weeks, as it were. Johnny has spent who knows how long using casual sex and drinking to cope and to keep himself aloof and distant from people. And in the week or so with Gheorghe he’s had so much of his perspective changed around and has learned so much about himself and human connection and emotion and being able to let someone else in. He has built up this happiness inside himself for the first time in probably years. And it all comes crashing down with Martin’s second stroke. I think at first Johnny is unusually optimistic because Gheorghe is there and he’s kind of lovestruck in a way. He has these little ideas of Gheorghe staying on and being with him and the two of them working the farm together to help Martin. But when he realizes that Martin isn’t going to get better, I think that balloon of happiness pops and reality comes crashing down and Johnny can’t deal.

He’s spent so long building up this spiky carapace of rude reticence and aloofness and supporting it with a layer of unhealthy coping mechanisms, that when the shit hits the fan he doesn’t know how to deal with his own vulnerability and desperately returns to his old ways.

The conversation in the pub between Gheorghe and Johnny where they talk about their relationship is Johnny desperately trying to cling to that happiness and hope he had before his conversation with Dierdre. He wants so badly to be with Gheorghe and work the farm with him, but he’s also just had this crushing realization that he can’t really have any other dreams but that. So when Gheorghe presses him to think more about the consequences of what he’s thinking, presses him to realize that it won’t work to hide their relationship or keep working on the farm the way he’s been doing, it’s another added weight to the reality that’s already crushing him. He knows Gheorghe is right, I think. But he’s regressing back to the beginning of the film, those old coping mechanisms, that inability to accept help or advice no matter how good it is, that inability to think reasonably about what he wants because it’s hard enough for him to accept that he wants it in the first place.

He’s upset, and he’s worried and scared and hurting about Martin, and confused about his relationship with Gheorghe as well because he wants to be with him but doesn’t know how to move forward with that in a way Gheorghe will like. So he does what he knows has worked in the past: he reverts to his old coping mechanisms of drinking and anonymous sex.

Johnny is absolutely to blame for his actions, and they’re unhealthy behaviors in the first place, made worse by the fact that only moments ago he had been talking to Gheorghe about wanting to continue and potentially advance their relationship. But Johnny’s own insecurities and hurts get in the way.

I think at this point, Johnny isn’t really intending to hurt Gheorghe, not directly. I think the only person he’s intending to hurt is himself. He spent the whole first part of the movie with such self-destructive coping mechanisms, and who knows how long he used them as a crutch before Gheorghe got there. He’s not going to be able to rid himself of them in just a couple of weeks, just like he’s not going to be able to rid himself of his depression and self-hatred in just a couple of weeks. And I think most of his negative emotions here have more to do with Martin and the farm and the future and his ability to “manage” than his feelings for Gheorghe. So he fucks Robyn’s student friend in the toilets because it’s a coping mechanism that’s familiar, because it’s a way he’s used before to distance himself from his own vulnerability and his own emotions. He can’t revert to anger because he knows Gheorghe’s right, upset as he is. So he reverts to trying to shove his feelings away and hide them in impersonal physical gratification.

He’s not really thinking about anything but killing his thoughts and feelings until he gets out of the toilets and sees Gheorghe gone and even that I think doesn’t quite jar him out of it, especially considering he’s probably about as pissed as we saw him at the beginning of the film. When Gheorghe rushes him at the front of the car, Johnny absolutely knows what he’s done. He knows he fucked up, but I think he has no idea how to fix it because he has no idea how to express all the things tangled up inside him. He also has no idea how to fix it because I think he’s just resigned himself to his previous tendencies of fucking up his relationships (romantic or not) with people--as Robyn seemed to hint at--so that he just kind of absorbs it in the “I fucked up again” kind of way that he absorbed the calf death and the fallen wall. He’s upset, because he feels like he should be able to handle it and manage, but he’s not surprised, because he’s got this track record of people telling him he fucked up, and him knowing he fucked up, and having no idea how to communicate apology or even how to tell people what caused the fuckup or what his feelings are about it.

But, like he started to unlearn his racist hostility bullshit, Johnny also starts to figure out that he has to learn how to communicate if he’s going to get Gheorghe back. That’s where I think this stops being unhealthy or toxic.

Because it takes longer than a week or two and the beginning of a romance to unlearn unhealthy behaviors and coping mechanisms. Especially in a time that’s already stressful and upsetting. But Johnny does realize that in order to even have the potential to get Gheorghe back, he’s going to have to talk, to communicate his feelings.

And this time I think they’re a lot simpler than the more complex emotions regarding Martin and the farm and his responsibilities and seeing himself as a fuckup regarding all that. I think the reason this is his jumping off point for starting to learn how to communicate is because he knows what he’s feeling and he knows what he wants the results of his communication to be. He loves Gheorghe, he wants to have a proper relationship with him, and he wants to Gheorghe to come back so they can work the farm together. That’s something he’s able to express, both because his feelings about it are so, so intense, and because they’re fairly straightforward. I don’t think he’d be able to really talk about everything regarding Martin and the farm at this point; it’s too complicated and tangled up and I’m sure there’s more there from before the point where the film jumps in.

I think it’s also really interesting to see how different his apologies are in the beginning of the film and the end here; you can see how much he’s grown and learned and you can see him being able to actually express himself.

Because the other apology we kind of see is after he and Martin argue in front of Gheorghe in the barn. Johnny says Martin is “fucking fucked” and then immediately goes quiet and dismissive. We don’t hear the conversation between Martin and Johnny outside the barn, but I imagine whatever sort of apology Johnny might have issued to Martin was awkward and stilted. Even if he simply said he was sorry, his apology or at least his guilt is fairly obvious in his body language. But whatever apology he gave, while clear and probably fairly simple, it pretty obviously also held a fraction of resentment.

There’s a big difference between Johnny’s heartfelt but poorly communicated apology to Gheorghe and his somewhat communicated but less heartfelt apology to Martin. His apparent apology to Martin is awkward, resentful, but simple; it gets the point across but it’s also not totally genuine because Johnny is still angry and feeling inferior about himself.

But his apology to Gheorghe in Scotland is stumbling, rambling, kind of poorly communicated, but totally genuine. This is the first time we ever hear Johnny mention even considering trying to talk to someone. It reminds me of the hospital scene when Gheorghe prompts, “Don’t you want to speak to the doctor?” as though he’s encouraging this kind of communication that Johnny isn’t used to. Now he’s understanding the need to speak in order to get his feelings and desires across and to mend things with others. He’s still learning how to communicate his emotions verbally, and I think Gheorghe knows this; he’s seen how much he’s grown in the past two weeks. But the effort Johnny makes is also important because it’s the first healthy thing he’s done that hasn’t been sort of gently guided or encouraged by Gheorghe. It’s certainly influenced by Gheorghe’s past encouragements, but it’s a decision Johnny makes all on his own. If this had happened at the beginning of the film, he probably would have gotten angry, kicked something, and given up. Now, he’s grown enough to realize that he doesn’t need to give up, but he does need to make an effort.

It’s hard to make that much progress in a couple weeks. There’s no indication of how long Gheorghe is gone for, I imagine it’s probably a week or so, but I think it was long enough that Johnny’s feelings solidified into something he could not only acknowledge, but actually communicate (unlike his more nebulous and complex feelings about Martin and the farm). But it’s also his first time ever really saying this much, and being this openly emotionally in a purely verbal way: his entire monologue to Gheorghe involves no physical contact between them. I said in my last post that I think that’s deliberate on Johnny’s end; he knows that if they have physical touch between them, he won’t be able to get out what he needs to say. His apology to Gheorghe is so confused and stumbling. He almost doesn’t even get it out because he’s so upset and yet so uncertain about how to express himself. And yet he does apologize, and he does explain himself and his desires and in doing that, expresses a desire to grow and change and get better. “I don’t wanna be a fuck-up anymore” isn’t just about the farm. It’s about his ability to express himself, and his coping mechanisms, and his relationship with his family as well as Gheorghe.

This extremely long ramble is basically my roundabout way of saying I think the really big flaws in Johnny: his racist comments, his fucking around and cheating, are really important parts of the storyline and aren’t toxic or encouraging toxicity at all. Instead, they’re there to show the growth and development of the character and they’re important because of the way he unlearns these behaviors. Those flaws are there to show how hard it is to change, but how important it is to want to change and to work toward it. They’re also there to show how hard communication is for Johnny, and how far he’s come since the beginning. Even if he’s not perfect, even if his style of communication is still very basic and fumbling, the fact that he’s trying at all, without outside encouragement, shows a desire to change and an initiative and hope and openness that Johnny absolutely did not have at the beginning of the film.

#god's own country #god's own country meta #i'm so verbose oh my god #this is practically an essay so i felt the need to title it

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benmparks · 4 years ago

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Shadow and Bone (Netflix) Review

Disclaimer: I started this post as a review for both Shadow and Bone the television show and Six of Crows the book, but as I say later on, the show review got much too long. Stay tuned next week for Six of Crows review, and maybe even a Crooked Kingdom review if I finish it before then.

When I asked what people wanted to see in this space, the most requested content was book reviews. Fun fact: I’ve been reading the same book for like two months. It is a long book, and not that easy to read. I still haven’t finished that book but I did finish another one which I will not be reviewing today because I feel the need to discuss the Netflix show Shadow and Bone first. (The book I finished is Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo, but we’ll get to that next week. I promise.)

Shadow and Bone (Netflix)

A week and a half ago I decided to watch Shadow and Bone on a whim, it is not what I’d usually be interested in but I am very prone to peer pressure and everyone on my tumblr dashboard was watching it. I watched it all in two days while I neglected my novel revision because I was down in the dumps. Was it good? Sure. Did I like it? Less sure.

The show follows a large cast of characters surrounding a central plot of Alina, a regular everyday map maker, finding out she is some sort of saint that can reunite these two nations that have been separated by a large slice of darkness that is full of monsters. It’s a pretty standard YA fantasy plot, she gets sort of kidnapped by the general of one of the armies who sweet talks her into believing that he wants to get rid of the darkness together. (He doesn’t). She has a childhood best friend, Mal, who is obviously in love with her and does some crazy stuff to get back to her and it’s all very romantic.

I’m sure anyone who has read the books, or even watched the show, is pretty angry about that synopsis but you get it, right?

From what I understand as someone who has not read these books, the show combines the original plot of the book Shadow and Bone, the first book in the Grishaverse series by Leigh Bardugo, and a new plot following the characters from Six of Crows. The events of Six of Crows happen after the events of, I believe, all of the Shadow and Bone books, so their inclusion in this is entirely new. (I believe. I probably should have done some research but this is what I’ve gathered from Tumblr.)

This results in a show that jumps around A LOT, which could have been confusing but I think it kind of worked in a way. I think they gambled on quality by including the crows, but in the long run it worked and everyone who wanted the crows involved were happy. I have one, tiny, small, complaint about it though and that is the inclusion of the Nina and Matthius plotline.

Nina is introduced as a grisha (sort of like a wizard, if you’re not familiar) who is supposed to help the crows kidnap Alina (the main character, very important grisha), but she gets kidnapped by witch hunters. That is her only connection to the main plot until the end, the rest of her scenes chronicle her time with Matthius (one of the witch hunters who she saves and then they fall in love, it’s very romantic). These are scenes taken from flashbacks in Six of Crows, except portrayed in a much shorter amount of time IMO.

My problem with these scenes and this subplot is that it has absolutely nothing to do with the main plot at all. I understand why they included it, I’m sure the fans wanted it, but I guess I just think it should have been included as a flashback later on when the characters become more important. (Kind of like it is in the book.) I also have a problem with how it sort of felt like insta love between a “witch” and a “witch hunter”, a little problematic in my opinion, but that’s getting too into the details.

A couple other negative notes: I’ve been told that Alina wasn’t intended to be Asian (or shu, as referred to in the show), and that any of the seemingly random racism in the show was added in because she was in the show. Obviously, I loved that they made the choice to make the show more diverse than the book might have intended, but I felt like the racist remarks were unneeded. They added nothing to the plot ultimately, and felt out of place since the cast was so diverse.

I think it was clear the show was made for people who have read the books, and I personally think that should not have been the case. I wasn’t really well versed on the lore of the grishaverse, and this first season didn’t provide me with enough information in my opinion. A fantasy show should spend more time lore building, I did just sort of feel confused a lot of the time.

Believe it or not, I actually did like the show! Just not for the plot. What I did like about the show was all of the characters. I really liked Alina despite my usual predisposition to not like main characters, I thought her and Mal were really cute. I liked that the misunderstanding of their letters being intercepted was smoothed over quickly, and that Mal was so accepting of Alina’s newfound power. I liked how the show jumped between the crows and the main plot until the end when they finally overlapped, with the crows joining the fight against the general who was actually trying to grow the darkness (called the fold). I love a good branching story that joins at the end.

And ultimately, I love lovvved the crows. Their scenes were the best, and I think that is possibly because they weren’t coming from a book besides the Nina and Matthius scenes. Also because the characters themselves were the best.

As I mentioned earlier, the crows were trying to kidnap Alina for a job. They’re a part of a gang, or are going to be, I don’t remember whether they already are in the show, but they take a job to kidnap Alina that offers a crazy amount of money. I should probably explain who the crows are, Kaz (the leader of sort, dark brooding sort), Inej (Kaz’s right hand woman, the spy of the group), Jesper (gunslinger with jokes, I love him), and then also Nina and Matthius but they aren’t involved in this season.

Their scenes were like a heist show suddenly, and I thought their dynamic was incredibly entertaining. Kaz is like all emo and dark and evil, and Inej is soft, religious, and also sort of dark and against killing people but...... she does......... for Kaz, and then Jesper is like the mood maker. They have to pull all these crazy stunts including disguising as entertainers, Jesper hooks up with a stablehand at one point trying to procure a horse, Alina straight up just locks herself into their carriage. The hi jinks, the banter, the longing looks between Kaz and Inej! The absolutely subtle way they did the Kaz and Inej relationship, knowing that at the start of Six of Crows (years later) they're still just pretending to not be in love. Needless to say, I finished the show and felt like I absolutely HAD to read the Six of Crows duology.

Which I think I’ll write a review of in another post because this got way longer than I intended it to!

Thanks for reading, I’ll see you next week (probably) for a Six of Crows review.

#shadow and bone #review #mine

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squeezeofthehand · 5 years ago

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A (late) Review of Moby-Dick: A Musical Reckoning

I saw Moby-Dick: A Musical Reckoning by Dave Malloy last month, and I can basically divide it into “The Good, The Bad, and the Racist/Queerphobic/Ableist etc”

Some background: As most people who’ve ever spoken to me will know, I have a special interest in Moby-Dick AND Dave Malloy/Rachel Chavkin musicals (I truly believe that Great Comet is one of the best works of all time) and I consider Malloy and Chavkin both to be my biggest heroes and inspirations, at least when it comes to their respective style of writing and directing. That being said, they’re not perfect. I waited for this musical for about two years, and music/set/etc wise it exceeded my expectations, but it also majorly let me down in a lot of ways.

The Good: The cast! The crew! The set! (It was literally The Pequod - like, they got rid of the stage.) The lighting design in particular was really good - thank you, Bradley King. Manik Choksi, Andrew Cristi, and Starr Busby are gods. I do not have a singular bad thing to say about the cast or the design team! Even the stuff that was tacky/campy (i.e. some of the puppets) was tacky/campy in an enjoyable way. And the “fun” parts of the show were REALLY fun - the fact that they invited the audience on stage, the fact that they TRIED to make Moby-Dick more accessible even if they didn’t do it perfectly at times….the music, when not problematic, was BEAUTIFUL. Listen, I’d be lying if I said Dave Malloy wasn’t one of the best composers when it comes to skill. Everyone in that show sure can act, and sing…the band too, was marvelous, I heard no errors from anyone. This is, what, a three hour long show? And the cast/band was just like, “oh, no big deal.” Which makes “the bad” and “the racist” even worse because these people deserve better. This show deserves better, it deserves to be better.

The Bad: Well, as a book fan, I disagreed with a lot of characterization…most of which can fall into The Racist etc, so I’ll just focus on the “bad but not inherently problematic” here. I really didn’t agree with a lot of things about Ahab’s characterization, i.e. I did not read him as just a bad white guy who’s the epitome of privilege. Stubb, on the other hand is, a canon white supremacist in the book and that barely gets acknowledged in the ways that it should. I do get what Dave was trying to go for, especially in re: Ahab & climate change, but this wasn’t the show for it - or at least, Ahab wasn’t the character for it. Which brings me to my next point: Most of the time, I’m a fan of the quirky Malloyian anachronisms and parallels to modern day issues, but I feel like he was trying too hard here and stepping out of line. Loose adaptations can be fun, anachronistic adaptations can be fun, even INACCURATE adaptations can be fun…but this just wasn’t. It didn’t feel like Moby-Dick, but more like a story vaguely inspired by it. If that had been what he was going for, it would’ve been fine, but he really acted like this would be an accurate adaptation of the book, so I felt let down. The only anachronism/breaking of the fourth wall that I somewhat liked were the talks of Melville and Hawthorne, honestly, and even those I’d sacrifice in favor for accuracy to the source.

And now…The racist/etc.

So.

Where to begin? I suppose chronologically. Queequeg. Who, according to Dave Malloy, is a stereotypical flamboyant queer person of color! and also a quirky cannibal! He’s trans in the musical, apparently, but there’s not much indication of that in the show beyond from him wearing a binder and a skirt. Now, I am all for trans Queequeg of course, but he was a caricature in this particular adaptation. I do not blame Andrew Cristi. I blame Dave (and mayyyybe the costume designers to some extent). I felt baited. Also, early production rumors and quotes said that there would be a song in which Queequeg saved someone from drowning. That never happened. It pains me to say it, but he didn’t feel that much like an important character (due to the bad writing -- again, it has nothing to do with the actor).

Additionally, Dave Malloy said that Queequeg and Ishmael would be a clear gay relationship…but the musical left so much room for them to just be interpreted as friends. It somehow became less gay than it is in the original Melville novel. The marriage was excluded, as were the quotes about them being a cozy and loving pair and about Queequeg holding Ishmael like a wife. They were replaced with the “I don’t wanna sleep with a cannibal” song, which was fun to watch at first but way too grossly stereotypical for me to genuinely enjoy it. Queequeg deserves a fun and light-hearted song, but he does not deserve a racist/homophobic one. My advice? Replace it with the actual chapters from the book, please. I do like the fact that The Pacific was a romantic duet and that they sing directly at each other during Squeeze Of The Hand, but those two songs are mere scraps especially compared to, for example, the Bosom Friend chapter of the book. It looked like they were going to kiss during The Pacific and I was very disappointed that they did not. Perhaps the team should keep the songs the way that they are for future productions, but add more romantic staging.

Pip-not-Pip/Elijah/??? (Ashkon Davaran’s character) and Fedallah were also major, major, issues. Not the actors, I love them. Not the book characters, I love them. But the musical characters.

Basically, Fedallah gets this 20 minute long monologue that can be summed up as “religion is bad” and a lot of other things including but not limited to egotistical fake-woke praise on color conscious casting and how badly America is fucked. And that’s not even mentioning the fact that Fedallah is Parsi and Zoroastranian in the book (and it is NOT good rep in the book by any means, trust me, I’ve been calling Malloy out on his racism but I can’t act as if book!Fedallah was anything less than an ~exotic caricature~ either). However, that’s beside the point, at least in this review. Musical!Fedallah is not Parsi nor Zoroastranian. Don’t read this the wrong way, I’m all for Black Muslim rep! But with a character who is already canonically something else? Take a white character and make them a Black Muslim, I encourage that, but when a character is already something else, no.

If the monologue was influenced/written by the actor, that’s one thing and I’d have less issue with it, but I think Dave wrote the vast majority of it, which…yikes…

My constructive criticism: Cut the Fedallah monologue. If the creative team still wants the actor/character to have the same amount of stage-time as he does now, replace it with a different monologue, maybe something from the book? Something about whaling history?

Another thing that needs to be cut or at least completely rewritten: Tambourine. The song starts off with an ableist verse that can be summed up as “you think you’re crazy because you get nervous on the subway? No! I’m more crazy than you!” Don’t take this as me saying that Pip’s trauma/PTSD shouldn’t be addressed at all, but this is the absolute worst way to address it. The song also has a lot of performative lines such as “is god cisgender?” Which, considering this is the same musical that also has trans bait, I truly hate it. Not that I think God should ever be viewed as a cis white man, but much like the “America is awful” stuff in the Fedallah Monologue, this is an offensive and fake-woke way to address such a topic.

Part IV was really heart-wrenchingly beautiful. No criticism there.

To summarize by part-

Part I: Cut/replace the campy Queeqeug song, but otherwise keep it as it is.

Part II: Cut/replace the racist and xenophobic Fedallah monologue.

Part III: Cut/replace Tambourine. The rest of the Ballad Of Pip (starting with Kim Blanck’s beautiful song) is alright. Good, even.

Part IV: Great! No editing needed besides from the typical tweaking that writers may choose to do after their first draft.

In general: Make Ishmael/Queequeg more obvious, make Queequeg less of a caricature, do some major editing to Fedallah and Pip-Not-Pip/Elijah/???. Tambourine and Fedallah’s Monologue need to be completely rewritten, but I get that the creative team may not want to take scenes away from the actors, which is why I encourage them to remove all of the racist bs and create something completely new/different for the actors to perform.

I understand that Moby-Dick is clearly a work-in-progress on all levels. I do not dislike for the show for being a scrappy rough draft. I judge it for its racist, homophobic, ableist, etc messages. Dave has acknowledged that this first copy is far from perfect, and I sincerely hope that the racism/etc. is the first and main thing that he fixes.

#moby dick #moby dick: a musical reckoning #dave malloy #call me sky #reviews

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fictionalarsonist · 5 years ago

Note

4 yoonkook 🥺

「 HEARTACHE」

pairing ›_ yoonkook (mentions of sope)content ›_angst ; some fluff ; underage drinking ; mild languagerating ›_pgword count ›_4.1k

―

premise ›_Jungkook’s a problematic brat who falls in love for his brother’s best friend. › One-liners Inspired Drabbles ― #4.“I’m not drunk, I s-swear.”credit ›_ thanks a lot to @chimknj for beta-reading this. 💖

a/n ›_ I’m still working on controlling myself when it comes to writing less, but I hope you’ll enjoy it anon!

「 ao3 | masterlist 」

[ heartache | part 2 | epilogue ]

Jungkook‘s sitting on the couch snacking on his mother’s cookies, he’s not into desserts that much, but these he would never refuse. He hears a car pulling up thedriveway.

“Your brother’s here!” His mother said, all happy and cheerful. Rushing to see Hoseok walking in.

Jungkook only heard Hoseok most probably be greeted with a rib-crushing hug just like he was and their exchanged greetings. He didn’t mind any of it, only tossing another snack in his mouth and leaning his arms on the backrest.

“Yoongi! You made it!”

Jungkook froze where he was. Barely remembering to swallow, crumbs from the cookie got stuck on the way to the wrong pipe and he coughed violently.

Yoongi’s here?

“Sorry for bothering.” Jungkook heard Yoongi’s voice coming from the hallway, he’d recognize Yoongi’s voice anywhere.

Jungkook felt his heart slam against his chest before sliding right up his throat, trying to punch its way out. Everything became fuzzy and hazy as all these things, these feelings came rushing, hitting him like a tidal wave. People say that two of the strongest senses related to memory are smell and hearing.

Just by Yoongi’s voice, Jungkook could recall so many of those memories, most of them he’s mortified to even think happened. He couldn’t even hear what his mom was saying or what words came out of his father’s mouth as he smiled, bringing a bottle of beer to the living room. Hoseok walked in, throwing his luggage at the corner before opening his arms and giving him a smug smile.

“Little brother! Won’t you give me a hug?” Hoseok followed Jungkook with his eyes as Jungkook jolts to his feet and storms out the backdoor, absentmindedly grabbing his keys and wallet, ”I brought you a gift, at least take a look at it- Where are you going?”

“Jungkook!” He hears his mother calling, but he’s out the door and hastily driving away the very next moment without so much as a second glance at the house.

How long does a friendship between best-friends last? Because Jungkook thought that maybe by now… Well, this feels dumb. This feels really dumb, but he just wished he’d never see Yoongi again. He doesn’t want to remember when he used to chase his brother around. Not because he thought his brother was cool or looked up at him; he stopped thinking that when he was, what? Six- No, seven years old. Hoseok’s always been too weird and overly optimistic to be considered cool. It was because of Yoongi.

It was Yoongi whom Jungkook liked best, it was him Jungkook considered cool and looked up to. He liked everything about his brother’s best friend and he never understood how they could be best friends. Yoongi has always been chill, sometimes a little too problematic with that mouth of his.The only thing about Yoongi that has never been cool was the way he was always too tired to do any of the cool stuff Jungkook thought he should try. Like skating, for example. Jungkook pestered Yoongi, but the only reply he’d get was Yoongi whining: “My bones are too weak,” with a hint of irritation in his voice. “I’m tired. Try it yourself!” That kind of hurt the youngster Jungkook.

Jungkook did learn it though. He came out pretty good at it, but it was Hoseok who praised him. Yoongi didn’t even see it. Not a single glance. No matter how much he tried to get close to Yoongi, he was always pushed away, literally. When Yoongi came to fetch Hoseok and Jungkook tried tagging along, Yoongi would push him by his forehead.

“Go home!” Yoongi complained, “Just play with kids your age.”

Being a kid was very pathetic, though. Just following his brother blindly just so he could see Yoongi. Of course, Hoseok would get pissed too. He’d listen attentively when his brother would try sneaking out at night and try to follow, oftentimes being brought back with scrapes and bruises because he fell as he tried following his brother, knowing he’d meet Yoongi.

Also, there’s this one time when he fell from the tree when they rebuilt the house and had to be rushed to the hospital. Hoseok was grounded for the rest of the summer, which meant Yoongi had to come over to see his best friend. Jungkook could hear his voice from his room, so instead of playing outside or the living room, he stayed in his bedroom.

Even in his teens, he found himself now and again searching for Yoongi. Often times when he was with his friends and saw Yoongi - just by chance, it’s not like he’s been hanging out in a place he knew Yoongi would be. He’d pretend not to look and, sometimes, get in trouble so Yoongi would come rushing with Hoseok. He’d pull him aside and scream at his face. For that moment, it felt like he cared.

Jungkook never grasped what he felt for Yoongi, though. Not until this one night when he was bored in his room and frustrated because his stupid girlfriend didn’t understand him. He didn’t understand why everyone seemed happy with a relationship. All his friends were fine with what they had, but not him. He was bored and tired of trying to think about it, so he followed Hoseok.

By now Jungkook has become pretty good at sneaking around and Hoseok didn’t even notice he was there. Jungkook sat at a distance, planning on approaching later just to provoke them. Jungkook watched his brother talking in a reminiscing manner with Yoongi. They talked about their lives and this turning point when they’ll be off to college. It’s something Jungkook already knew, but seeing Yoongi smiles and celebrate the fact that he’ll be two states away from him in less than a month caused a painful stir in Jungkook’s heart.

He might as well have poured a bucket of ice-cold water above his head. It made him shiver and lose his senses for a moment or two, too lost in his own feelings. It was like being swallowed by a black hole of sadness he never expected. Suddenly he wanted to walk up to Yoongi and tell him to stay; tell him to attend a college somewhere near instead of going so far away. It’s not like he didn’t know before. Hoseok, their parents and even Yoongi freely mentioned every now and then. But it’s different now that he can see how happy Yoongi seems to be.

Jungkook can’t think of a life without Yoongi to pester every now and then. It’d be different not seeing him in the living room, dozing off while Hoseok focuses on the homework they both were supposed to be doing. Yoongi’s harsh truths and problematic words; the way he’d nod his head dismissively to get Jungkook to do something. How he’ll call him “kid” in a way that seems to warm Jungkook’s heart. It always made Yoongi smile even when he retorted: “I’m not a kid anymore”, before walking away. There are too many things to miss and no one would fill them all.

Jungkook feels desperate. He has to say something. It was eating him inside and he had to tell Yoongi, he really didn’t know what it was, but if he told Hoseok to take a walk - which wouldn’t be easy - and looked Yoongi in the eyes, he’d figure it out. Jungkook moved to his knees from where he was seated, ready to stand up - still thinking of a way to get rid of Hoseok -, but… That’s when he saw it.

Hoseok pulled Yoongi by the nape of his neck and their lips crashed. Jungkook fell back, a breath caught painfully in his throat. Tears stung his eyes and his heart lurched painfully in his chest. Jungkook fisted his shirt as if it’d lessen the pain, but it didn’t help anything. He felt as though the wind had been knocked rom his chest.

His voice pushed his way through his throat and Jungkook had a very hard time keeping his lips shut. He did so by grinding his teeth so much so he felt one of them break. Yet he heard a strangled cry coming from his throat. He didn’t know if they heard it too, his eyes were overflowing with beads of tears falling one after another and as soon as Jungkook got any control of himself he bolted.

He spent the night crying and it didn’t matter how much he cried, the pain never wore it off. The scene kept replaying itself in his head. If he tried closing his yes, it became worse. It was like the end of the world. Jungkook never cried like that his life. He couldn’t stop. He tried not to make a sound, but they belted out of him painfully. He felt pathetic that he woke up his parents and they came to see him. He tried coming up with something, but, in the end, could only ask to be alone.

“It’s a heartbreak,” he heard his mother saying quietly as she closed the door.

“Maybe he broke up with his girlfriend,” his dad suggested not-so-quietly behind the closed door. Jungkook heard them walking away and curled himself into a ball under his blankets and cried more.

He couldn’t look at his brother after that. Above the perks of having a broken heart, refusing to eat and barely drinking anything, maybe a glass of water at times, Jungkook felt hurt. He couldn’t really understand this broken heart thing. It just hurts too much to not cry every now and then.

After spending some time tucked inside his house he finally went back to school, but he made sure to leave after Hoseok’s gone. He couldn’t look at his brother’s face. Seeing his face brought the memory back along with a few fresh tears. He avoided both his brother and Yoongi at school like he was running from the devil in the flesh.

Jungkook skipped school with his friends, going to different places; places he wouldn’t see Yoongi even if he looked for him and Jungkook knew he couldn’t even think about it. It became problematic. Jungkook started hanging out with new friends because the others wanted to stay on the team, while Jungkook wanted to drink. Jungkook didn’t give a rat’s ass about the stupid teams. He drank with his new friends, who felt the same way as him.

Whatever happened, Jungkook didn’t quite know, he was rather out of it. All he knows is that when he came to it Hoseok had gotten the worst from the fight. He hadn’t done it on purpose. He’d been walking along when those thugs came at him; Hoseok happened to be next to him and protected him. But Yoongi saw it, he always saw it. Jungkook came back to his senses when Yoongi threw him a punch across the face and shook him with a deadly grip on his shirt.

“Do you only care about yourself? Huh?” Yoongi screamed at him at this one time, panting. His face bright red and hot from all the fighting. The sound of the ambulance still loud as it drove away. “What if something happens to Hoseok? He’s your brother! He’s always covering your shit. Can’t you think of him too? Are you this fucking selfish? What if the worst happens?”

When he was pushed away and fell on his ass, Jungkook just stayed there. Guilty for what happened to his brother and heartbroken by Yoongi’s words. Because this time he really didn’t mean to.

And… After that, Yoongi disappeared. Jungkook didn’t know why and he didn’t care. He just looked out for his brother instead. Hoseok always smiled at him and told him it’s all good. Told him he did nothing wrong, but Yoongi words kept ringing in his ears, loud and clear. But, although Jungkook didn’t blame Hoseok anymore, he still didn’t want anything to do with Yoongi. Because he- well, he likes Yoongi. Not because Yoongi’s cool or whatever, no. Because he just liked Yoongi the way he was supposed to like his girlfriend.

When it came his turn to apply to college, Jungkook didn’t think twice about rejecting the college Hoseok attended at the time. He didn’t care if it was the best for his major. He didn’t want that game of possibly running from Yoongi again, even if Hoseok had said time and time again how big the campus is. He was too amazed by this as a freshman.

It has been Jungkook’s only hope to never meet Yoongi again. He avoided the topic when Hoseok mentioned him in passing until Hoseok never said a word about it again. Jungkook was careful of Hoseok’s social media. He saw Yoongi’s picture here and there with his brother and it hurt him because he knew. Until Yoongi wasn’t there anymore and Jungkook felt guilty for being relieved when he noticed that others filled in the gaps. He wished Yoongi wouldn’t be there anymore, he really did. As much as he wished to get over Yoongi, to forget him- and he thought he did, it’s pretty clear now.

It’s undeniable by the way his heart clenches painfully in his chest and tears sting the corner of his eyes. His only thought is to get far away. Jungkook didn’t know where, he just wanted to run away. Somewhere these feelings for Yoongi won’t exist. Somewhere that he doesn’t have to see his handsome face ever again.

He pulls over at a familiar place and as soon as he realizes where he laughs pathetically at himself, hitting his head on the steering wheel. It’s one of the places Hoseok and Yoongi used to hang out, one of the places Jungkook would conveniently show up earlier than them. Hands gripping the wheel Jungkook sat there staring through the windshield, looking nowhere in particular. Watching the time be wasted, praying to go by faster. Thinking of ways to escape, somewhere to go.

As the day turned into night, a sign lit up, calling Jungkook’s attention. He stared at the station’s sign for a moment or so before getting out of the car. Without giving a second thought he brought a pack of beers and a couple bottles of soju and brought back to his car. It’s an old habit that never dies. He opened the truck and sat there, popping open his first can of beer.

This will do. I won’t think about him if I drink some more.

Then there’s two, three beers and many mixes with soju. One bottle and a half bottles of soju later, Jungkook started feeling sick. His stomach churned and his head began spinning. He slumped back on his truck and his phone slipped from his pocket.

“OH! May-Maybe I should-,” he spoke, his words slurred as he struggled to pick the phone in his hand. “I should call my bro. I really lo-love my bro.” He laughed at himself as the phone kept slipping from his hand and knocked over the bottle of soju. “Ah, shit!” He tried wiping clean with his hands before focusing on the phone again.

He made a few mistakes before getting the number right, his phone smeared with soju. Jungkook didn’t notice much. It rang a couple of times before someone picked up. Jungkook hiccuped and stuttered before calling Hoseok’s name in his drunken haze, gleeful tone.

“I’m not drunk, I s-swear.”

“Jungkook? You sound hammered. Where are you?”

Jungkook can recognize this voice anywhere.

“No!” Jungkook whined, “Not you!” Yoongi called out his name and it hurt almost physically, “Call my hyung! I wa-want my hyu-hyung, Hoseok!” Jungkook felt those free-spirited tears again and gasped, almost choking on his own saliva.

“Jungkook-”

“Don’t call my name!” Jungkook exploded and the sound of his own voice, too loud, startled him. He dropped his phone and let himself fall back on the truck.

Jungkook’s conscious enough answer the phone when it rings again and Hoseok’s ID shows up. Then he’s suddenly out of it. It’s the voice of Yoongi that makes him open his eyes and he thinks all that drinking brought him one of his old dreams. One which Yoongi’s hovering over him like right now, but his arms seem to heavy to out them around Yoongi. Also, he can’t feel Yoongi’s hand on him either. It could be a new dream, then.

“Yah! Jungkook!” He hears Yoongi’s voice and the slaps on his face, not so strong. “Jungkook, wake up! C’mon. Hey!” Yoongi grabs Jungkook’s jaw, his fingers pressing the skin urgently, “Jungkook! Come to your fucking senses!”

Jungkook feels his stomach turning sickeningly and Yoongi’s fast to move him to his side and off the trunk just so he can throw up. It feels like he’s throwing up everything inside him, heavy tears spill from his eyes. His throat burns but he can’t stop it by himself. Not until he felt empty as a zombie would. Yoongi massages his back and tells him it’s okay, to let it all out. Yoongi says it’ll be okay, but Jungkook knows it won’t. He hates to hear Yoongi’s voice and he doesn’t want to come to his senses and look at Yoongi’s face. It’s bad enough feeling his hand massaging his back through his shirt. It’s bad enough how Yoongi sounds calm and understanding. Jungkook just wants him to go.

As soon as he’s all done, Yoongi pulls him up, slowly and lets Jungkook lean his weight in his body. It’s nice in Yoongi’s arms. Jungkook closes his eyes, dizzy and tired, but feeling more sober now. Jungkook feels Yoongi’s breath on his temple and Yoongi’s arm loosely around him.

“Go away.” Jungkook whines weakly, “I’m fine. So- just leave”

Jungkook feels Yoongi’s body moving as he chuckles.

“You’re saying you’re fine? Are you crazy? I’m sure you were close to an alcoholic coma and you say you’re fine? What were your plans exactly? Drive home after drinking all of these?”

“I don’t need your help. Just leave.”

“Jungkook! I don’t care if you hate me. I won’t leave you here by yourself while you’re like this~” Yoongi whines his complaint, “I’ll get you some water. You’ll drink it and then I’ll drive you to the hospital.”

“I don’t want your pity,” Jungkook says, voice painfully hoarse.

“Pity? You’re Hoseok’s little brother. I care about you. We’re-,” Yoongi hesitated. “We’re- kind of like-,” Jungkook tilted his head up because he’s always too curious to his own good. He couldn’t see all of Yoongi’s face because his neck would hurt if he tried tilting his head any further, but he saw Yoongi licks his lips and pulled on them nervously. Jungkook wished he could kiss Yoongi like he did many times in his dreams. “We’re like family.”

Family?

“So, Hoseok and you-,” Jungkook hesitates. He’s way too weak for his tears, but he holds on. He didn’t mean to speak out loud.

“What about Hoseok and me?” Yoongi asks in curiosity and tries to look at him, Jungkook looks back down. The movement is too fast and makes him dizzy. It takes him a moment to get himself together to talk.

“You and him are together.” Jungkook says, slowly pushing himself away with the energy he has left. He already feels like crap, this is getting worse.

“We’ve been friends since childhood. We’ve always been-”

Jungkook cuts Yoongi short, as harsh as Yoongi would. “That’s not what I mean.”

Jungkook doesn’t know what kind of expression he has, but despite still being in this hazy state of his, he sees Yoongi for the first time in years. It’s enough to let him know that this isn’t something that could die down like he wanted to. Yoongi’s there and Jungkook’s still in love with him. Yoongi looks more confident than he did back then. He looks mature and self-assured, but still his laid-back self.

Yoongi watches Jungkook lean back against the opposite side of the truck and sighs. “I- wish we wouldn’t talk about this now.”

“It’s okay. I’ve known for a long time now. You and my brother are together.”

Yoongi smirks and shakes his head. “You never change, do you? Me and Hoseok have always been friends, Jungkook. Nothing more than friends.”

Jungkook tries to show off his smug smirks, but it comes out too filled with bitter self-loathing. “I saw it. I saw you guys that night kissing in the park.”

“You still hold on to that? That kiss?”

Jungkook closes his eyes and takes a deep breath because he doesn’t want to cry and hearing Yoongi talking about it makes it all real. He always knew it was real, but he wished he could pretend it was a dream, buried deep inside his memories. He wanted to forget that moment and Yoongi being a part of it. That wouldn’t be too much to ask.

“If you gave me the chance to explain back then-”

“I don’t want you to!” He opens his eyes to see Yoongi and Jungkook thinks he seems something similar to hurt cross his eyes,.“I don’t want you to explain anything. I don’t want to hear anything. I wish I’d never see you again.”

“Jun-Jungkook-” Yoongi tries to call him.

“Stop calling my name. I hate when you call my name.” Jungkook closes his eyes again because he’s about to cry. Again.

He hears Yoongi’s strangled breath. “I don’t care how stubborn you are, Hoseok dragged my ass all the way here for this, Jungkook.”

Jungkook’s eyes fly open and despite feeling sick and hurt, despite getting worse as he pushes himself to sit up. The rage cursing through him makes it bearable and Jungkook knows he won’t be able to keep it for long, so he lets it burst out of his chest as it comes. “With all due respect, to my brother and to you. I don’t care about that kiss- or any kiss between you and him. I can’t be happy for you, so don’t expect me to be. If the two of you know as much as I think you do, you’ll understand why. Stop trying to patronize me, stop trying to explain. I know I’m a brat, okay? I know I’m selfish, so let me be-”

“—You think that’s what this is about?” Yoongi rage gets the best of him. Jungkook could see it bubbling underneath the surface. “Can’t you get over yourself for second and let me talk?”

Yoongi would go on, but Jungkook seems like he’s getting sick yet again, so he stops and leans back. A heavy silence falls over them as they stare at each other.

“Look-” Yoongi tries, careful, “Hoseok knew I liked him for a while.” Yoongi sees Jungkook closing his eyes and turning his head and taking a deep, stuttering breath through his mouth. “I thought I liked him until he kissed me that night.” Yoongi swallowed hard and Jungkook grimace at the words.

“I- I don’t wanna hear it-” Jungkook whines too weakly to cause any effect, already feeling his chest closing on itself. He tasted this kind of hurt before; he’s not willing to let it happen again.

“Jungkook, if you ever let me talk to you after that I’d tell you,” Yoongi insisted. “That was a mistake. I didn’t feel anything with that kiss and Hoseok knew it’d be like that. I might be smarter than him, but he knew better than me-” Yoongi attempted a half-smile with his failed humor. “He knew I was always looking for you. I dragged him everywhere to make sure you were safe wherever you were and-” Yoongi paused, the weight of his memories too heavy for him to say out loud. “Do you know how scared I was when I saw you getting beaten up by those thugs? How guilty I felt for what happened to Hoseok that day?”

“You felt guilty?” Jungkook asks, the tears he’s been holding behind his eyelids streamed down his face when he turned to look at Yoongi, “I was the one who caused all that.”

“I said that because I was angry at you. They could’ve killed you, Jungkook!” Yoongi said, exasperated. “I was the one who called Hoseok and told him to do something because he’s your brother. I didn’t want to be the one to do it because to me it’d be the same as admitting that I liked you and-” Yoongi licked his lips with a dark chuckle lightly moving his shoulder, “I thought I’d get over you if I disappeared. But- Fuck it! I liked you back then and I loved you when I left and Hoseok dragged my lazy ass across the country just so I would stop pining because-” Yoongi hesitated, his voice growing quieter, “I still love you.”

Yoongi seems to run out of breath because he’s panting and Jungkook’s too dumbfounded to do anything but sit there and stare at him.

part 2 ⇾

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