#grievingrunner

[happycoloredmarbles]

So true.

[happycoloredmarbles]

There are so many things I want to talk to my Dad about. It's really shitty that I can't tell him about the new books I'm reading and the new things I'm discovering. The ups, the downs, the in-betweens. 

I'll miss him forever. It's like an emptiness inside of me that will never be filled. Thank goodness we humans are resilient and can carry on even when we have huge pieces of ourselves missing forever.

[happycoloredmarbles]

#4. Go outside. Yes, at 4 am. Middle of winter, fine. In a downpour, sure. It doesn’t matter. Go feel the elements. Go feel all those powerful forces that keep the earth moving and grooving. You are witnessing the life cycle anyway, so go see it happening all around you. Leaves changing. Trees budding. Squirrels at work. Tides rolling in. Winds and clouds and dew and drops of rain. You are a part of all of this. You, unlike most people, are in it and aware of it, like no other time in your life. There’s a comfort in that, in being equally involved in the majesty of nature, no bigger or smaller than the rest. The wind blew before you were here, and will continue to blow after you are gone. But not today’s wind. That’s unique. That is yours for now. Go appreciate it. If believers take comfort in their dream of being reunited eventually, you can take comfort by being completely in the Now. Sad, but willing to see things as they are, and able to see the beauty in reality.

[happycoloredmarbles]

Kind of a rough day today, but overall this week has been much better than last week. Grief is weird like that. Sometimes life is just unbearable. I don't feel like its because of my dad's death but the emotional state I sometimes am in has to be because of the grief. It's hard to not cry over the smallest things. Little screw ups at school seem like major catastrophes. Grief is so similar to depression. Last week felt like severe depression. But things got better once the week ended. I guess that's the benefit of it being grief and not depression. At least the feelings of despair subside and things feel good again. Such a weird experience. Horrible timing though since I am so busy with my dissertation and with teaching. There are just so many opportunities for these feelings to arise. Daily. I'll make it. I hope. One day at a time. Like my dad always said: "keep your eye on the donut and not on the hole"

[happycoloredmarbles]

Got to squeeze in a 2.8 mile run with the dog today during my lunch break. Been hoping to do it all week but wasn't sure if it would have time. But I did! So worth it. Eating some premade, homemade Chana masala now and getting ready for some meditation before heading back to campus. Been really getting into a rhythm lately. I cooked a bunch of meals this past weekend so I would have for lunch and dinner all week, so I've been eating good and feeling good. Really focusing these days on being present and conscious of my thoughts and actions. In every moment. Been listening to Ram Dass lectures in addition to the Power of Now. Extremely inspiring. I think of my Dad constantly. More than I ever did before he passed. But I'm feeling ok with it. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't sad about it, but I certainly don't dwell on him being gone. I just think of how proud he'd be or of the things he'd say to me about all this spiritual stuff. My stepmom finally started going to a grief support group too, so that makes me feel good too, knowing she is in the path toward finding peace.

[happycoloredmarbles]

Another running + yoga day. No idea how I'd survive without it.

1.5 mile recovery run this morning followed by 35 minutes of yoga. I absolutely love running before I do yoga. And it's a great way to "stretch" my muscles after my run too. Nice combo.

I definitely feel so connected to my dad when I practice my yoga. During my ending "namaste" (when I have finished shavasana and "om shanti"), I feel a strong, indescribable feeling that does have a tendency to make me a little weepy. I suppose it just knowing I won't be able to ever talk to my dad about my yoga practice or experiences anymore, even though I am so so grateful I feel connected to him thru the yoga. I hope that with time, that sorrow subsides and I can be at peace knowing that he sat the same postures and breathed the same breaths. 

Hopeful for a productive and happy day today. As my dad would want of me. 

Namaste. 

[happycoloredmarbles]

A night without nightmares...

Finally a night has passed without nightmares. I took a friend's advice and watched cute cuddly animal video's online before I went to sleep. And it worked! I also took a valium before bed, so I am sure that also helped. Other nights I've tried xanax before bed, but it doesn't really help with the sleeping or the nightmares. Tonight I will try just watching the cuddly animals without the valium to see what happens.

I woke today feeling better than usual. I am already dressed for my run and plan to head to the gym after I drop the dog off back home. 

Yesterday I was able to think of some of the good things about my dad without breaking into full panic mode (finally). I felt proud of the work I do (teaching, working on my Phd) and I felt that he is the reason I do that work. So it was nice. I had a busy and productive day. I also shared this yesterday and wanted to share it here as well, just to tell anyone who listens the kind of man my dad was:

My Dad was my hero. A philosophical, thoughtful type. Who was very curious about life and always seeking the "truth". He was intelligent although not formally educated beyond highschool. He spent his life helping others, in so many ways--building homes for people in need, sending money to children in need, taking food to people who needed it, and even was a grief counselor in the past few years. He was also very open and a lot of fun to argue with. We didn't always see eye to eye on certain things, but he taught me how to be open and he in turn was always open to the knowledge i had to share with him. He is the reason I am who I am today. We were so open and honest with one another that there were no words left unsaid ever. I wil always cherish that about him.

Now off to run a couple miles and do some strength training before I head to campus to get some work done!

[happycoloredmarbles]

I guess I underestimate myself....

After writing that post this morning about crying for 2 hours when I woke up and being unable to go for a run due to my desperation---I WENT FOR A RUN.

I decided to just go. That I would feel worse (or no better) if I didn't go. And that I only would feel better (definitely not worse) if I went. So I dragged the dog out of bed and we went out into the heat for a 3.5 mile run to the park and back. (I think I need to start writing when I wake up every morning. Get my feelings out, feel sad and mourn. Then move on with my day, knowing I can always write more.) I am so glad I got out and went for a run.

And it was a good run. It was a hard run because of the heat and humidity, but the dog kept me going with his smiling happy face. He's just happy to be alive. I love the simplicity. He didn't care that every now and then along the run, I cried a little bit. He didn't care if I needed a walking break. He was just there with me. Just what I needed. And now I am refreshed feeling and more confident I can meet the needs of the day.

One day at a time....

[happycoloredmarbles]

Race plans!

So I've decided I am ready for my next full marathon. I'm going to run the Cleveland Marathon on May 18. I love winter training and spring racing so I've made the decision and am sticking to it. I'm going to officially begin my training January 27 (which is the day the new semester starts and I'll have tons of undergraduate assistants helping out in the lab). And an added bonus is I've just created a team to raise money for the Lung Cancer Alliance in honor and memory of my Dad. I love running for a reason and there is no better reason I can think of than to help fight a disease that kills so many people and that killed my dad. Guaranteed I'll be sharing my journey here on tumblr. Couldn't be more excited to run my second ever full marathon and I look forward to the smaller races I'll run between now and then, hopefully adding a few half marathons along the way like I did last year!

[happycoloredmarbles]

Be here now. Seize the day. This present moment.

Went for a short run with the pup this morning, while the sun was rising. I haven't run in the dark morning in a very long time. I love the sense of peace and quiet in the world in the wee hours of the morning, while most people are still sleeping. No cars, no sirens, no hustle and bustle.

I followed up our run with 15 minutes of yoga and some ab work. Just now, I completed 15 minutes of meditation. I am trying to be present and aware of the moment, and not be weighed down by the past (my Dad's death) or be fearful of the future (dissertation stuff, other responsibilities). I will live in the now. I have all the tools needed to succeed in my life, I just need to use them. And use them NOW. Not in 10 minutes, not tomorrow. 

I hope everyone out there has a wonderful rest of their week! I had the luxury of going in a couple hours later than usual this morning, so I've made the most of it. Now, I will seize the day with strength and will. And most importantly, with love and acceptance.

Namaste.

[happycoloredmarbles]

Went for a super slow 2 mile run after lunch today. This afternoon run was a bit hotter than yesterday but definitely fun running at a different time of day, with different traffic patterns and people everywhere. Makes for an interesting run. I needed the break from work anyway and my dog was getting restless. I did manage to write around 5 pages of my dissertation proposal as part of the revision process. I also managed to read three relevant articles. Still a long way to go but I'm making progress! Cooked up some vegan Mexican pizza for dinner and now relaxing and watching Homeland. I can honestly say that I am looking forward to meditating tomorrow. We'll see where the day takes me!

[happycoloredmarbles]

Finally!

2 mile run with the pup in the cool mist around the neighborhood, followed by 45 minutes of my ashtanga yoga practice. I feel amazing right now!

[happycoloredmarbles]

Nothing like a race to motivate.

Up early and clearly motivated by my new decision to run my second marathon - I'm dressed for the gym and am about to head out to do some treadmill running. It's been bitter cold (single digits) and windy and snowy for so many days that I have gotten way behind on running. And my mileage needs to be at an appropriate place before I can truly begin training.

My training will begin Jan 27, which is a month from now--so my plan is to begin building my base over the next month. Starting out at 10 miles a week, by the end of the month I'll be at around 15 miles per week, which should be good for training to begin. 

I'm excited and determined. 

The plan today is just to head to school right after the gym (no shower). I'll be the only one working today so I figure it will be a good test of how well I can stand my stinky self. haha. Other options include showering at the gym or coming back home for a shower. I used to run midday at school and not shower after--as long as I change my clothes and shower when I get home later I'm usually ok. (TMI? haha. runner problems)

Ok off to work it out. I haven't run on a treadmill in ages. Not since training for the last marathon. Good thing I can make some use of my gym membership again!

[happycoloredmarbles]

5.4 miles this morning!

Nice run this morning in the drizzle. Temperatures were perfect hovering around 50 degrees with a little breeze. The rain mostly held off until about the last mile or so. It was a nice run. 

I was really sore though from yesterday's yoga so this run required a bit more mental and physical effort than usual to continue on and not turn around after the first mile. 

So glad I didn't turn around. 

Now it's a little later than I'd like it to be, considering all the work I have to do at school today. Hopefully I'll get home in time to watch football and relax. And eat the 4-ingredient vegan pumpkin pie that I made yesterday (right now I am eating some leftover pie filling in my steel cut oats). Will post photos of the pie and the recipe later!

Gotta go!

[happycoloredmarbles]

Nice short run with the pup again today!

Feels SO good to be running again. Last week, I kept telling myself I would be way too tired if I tried running in the middle of my 12 hour work day. 

After a horrible week last week, I knew that running this week could not possibly lead to a worst experience than last week. So today marks the second day in the week I've run. And I feel great. 

I've been doing sun salutations and some crunches, pushups and burpees right when I get up every morning. It only takes about 15 minutes of my time and doesn't require me to get up any earlier. I'm just more efficient at getting ready to go afterwards. 

It's incredible the confidence and strength I feel after going for a run. Even a short run, where I take walking breaks. I know I'll be back to my usual running shape in no time. And hopefully can start doing more yoga in the mornings. 

Happy for the peace and feeling here in this present moment.

Namaste.

[happycoloredmarbles]

Small victory! I'll take it!

Just got back from a 2.7 mile run with the pup. Literally can't remember the last time I ran, but I am certain it's been a couple weeks. I woke up this morning and knew I was going to run today. I actually started out the day with some sun salutations and some simple yoga poses to wake my body up. I did that the minute I woke up, after taking the dog out.

Got home for lunch break and threw on my running outfit. My dog was beyond excited to see that I was putting on my running shoes (You mean we're running today mom!?! Not walking?!? Oh boy oh boy!!). He was so pumped when we got outside and started running. He has a look of pure joy on his face. That look alone is therapeutic!

The run was great, albeit slow and a little sweaty. I feel invigorated. 

So far, my Monday is good. Last week was so awful that I cried every day. hoping that was a fluke and that this week turns out to be much better. I am determined to feel better about things. I've been spending a bit more time focusing on my teaching and I think that will help my emotional stability, since teaching is one of my passions. And I was neglecting it a bit, which made me feel incompetent and out of control. 

Back on track and hoping for the best!

(Tomorrow is my Dad's birthday. He would have been 59. I miss him so much).