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metaphor-cheese · 4 years ago

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soooo...i wrote a thing

“Hey Dr. Muffinshirt!” Buford slapped his hands down on the table eagerly.

“Oh, hey kid.” The scientist said distractedly as he finished writing his note. Buford took the moment to pull his step stool out from under the desk so he could see the blueprint easier. With a smile, Doof dramatically dropped his pencil in triumph before turning to his protégé. “So,” he said excitedly, gesturing to the finished design. “What do you think?”

“Looks pretty cool! …What is it?”

“It’s my Go-to-Bed-Without-Any-Dinner-Inator!” The doctor declared, putting on his Evil Voice™ as he raised his arms to the sky. “You see,” he continued, speaking in his Monologue Voice (patent pending) out of habit. “As a young boy back in Gimmelshtump, whenever I would misbehave my parents would send me to bed without ANY dinner. The problem was, back in Drusselstein people were so superstitious, ‘misbehaving’ could be as simple as scratching your nose or your shoe lace becoming untied.”

“Oof. Sounds like my dads house.”

“Oh and don’t get me started on sneezing!” Doof shuddered. “Anyway, as you can imagine I went without dinner a lot.” His tone took on the a dramatic, sombre tone. “Night after night I would sit in my room- well, I say my room it- it was the shed- practically wasting away with only my breakfast pork rinds to keep me going! Eventually I would cry myself to sleep…” Clenching his fist, Doof lowered his head to the floor. …Before casually adding “Well y’know, before I was woken up for my lawn gnome duties.”

“Man.” Buford said, awkwardly. “That’s rough, buddy.”

“Yeah, well, I’m totally over it now.” Doof waved it off. “That’s why I built the Go-To-Bed-Without-Any-Dinner-Inator! Or the GTBWADI for short. Ha! Say that 5 times fast! Gtbwadi, gtwb…adi…see?! Already, it’s impossible and that was what, the second time? …Where…” nervously he laughed. “Where was I? I’ve completely lost my train of thought…”

“What’s it do?” Buford said bluntly. Doof snapped his fingers in triumph.

“Right!” Again, he was back to his Monologue Voice. “When this ‘inator blasts someone, it will INSTANTLY cause their mother to send them to bed without any dinner! This way everyone in the ENTIRE TRI-STATE AREA!!! …will be trapped in their rooms, starving and they will finally know my pain!” Instantly his tone snapped back to a happy one. “Plus, it means there’ll be no lines at all the fancy restaurants. You know what that means? We’re eating like kings tonight, buddy!”

Buford grinned back at him and the two threw their arms in the air with an excited “WOO!” A third, robotic voice joined from across the room joined in.

“Not you, Norm!” Doof snapped. “You don’t even need to eat. Plus you’re like 10 feet tall, how will you even fit through the door?”

“I JUST WANTED TO FEEL INCLUDED.” The robot replied in his usually chipper tone.

“Yeah, well if you wanna be included so bad could you call Charlene and tell her I’m taking Vanessa out for a family dinner tonight?”

“BUT, SIR, IT’S NOT YOUR WEEKEND.”

He rolled his eyes. “Why’d you think I’m asking you to call her?” As Norm left the room, he added “AND MAKE SURE TO TELL HER TO BRING HER BEST CLOTHES!”

“Hey Doc?” Buford asked, furrowing his brows and bringing his attention back to him. “If everyone’s gonna be home tonight, why don’t ya just conquer the tristate area then?”

Doofs eyes lit up.

“Holy schnitzel. You’re right!”

“I am?”

“Yes! Oh man, why didn’t I think of that?” With a sheepish laugh, doof looked away. “Man that’s…that’s embarrassing. Oh- but! But our family dinner! Aw man… You-You know what?” He waved his hands and dismissed the thought. “I deserve this. We can do both! Eat a nice dinner and THEN conquer the tri-state area. It’ll be like pregaming!”

“Cool! …What’s pregaming?”

“You’ll find out when you’re older.”

“Aaaaand tada! There’s the place!” Doofinshmirtz gestured dramatically to the baren fancy restaurant. The three (Norm had convinced him to let him go) others, oo’d and ahh’d.

“Wow.” Vanessa uttered, actually sounding impressed for once. “I gotta hand it to you, Dad,” she conceded, placing a hand on his arm. “This is actually pretty nice.”

“Aw, thank you, darling.” He cooed. Internally he added the first tally to the win side his side of a ‘wins/loses’ chart.

“Seems like a boring, adult place.” Buford said sceptically. Doof placed a hand on his shoulder.

“They’ll have steak.”

Instantly, the childs eyes lit up again. “Really?” With an eager, predatory grin, he pulled his lucky knife and fork out of hammer space and cheered “Bufords back in the game!”

Just then, though none of them noticed, an explosion erupted from the balcony of Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated behind them. Almost instantly, a line formed in front of the restaurant down the block, accompanied by cries of “I’m starving!”

Doofs face fell.

“Great.” Vanessa drawled, voice flat. “Nice job, Dad.” Doof could practically feel the tally mark being scratched off.

“Wh…I don’t understand! Just a minute ago I had-“ with a look of realisation, he whirled around to see his home building among the skyline. Despite the explosion having since faded, he didnt need visual confirmation to confirm what had happened. Many emotions bubbled within him. Anger, frustration, disappointment, ect. But he was so used to it by this point he could bring himself to express any of them. Instead he just sighed and dropped his head with a bitter “Curse you Perry The Platypus, yada yada…”

“Man…” Buford grumbled, moodily. “I had my heart set on that steak.”

“I can’t believe you called me over on Mom’s weekend for this!”

“Hey, don’t look at me!” Doof cried, defensively. Irritably, he held out the keg of gasoline in his hand. “If we didn’t have to stop at the gas station for NORM we could have gotten first in!”

“YOU CAN’T LET ME HAVE ANYTHING!” The robot retorted, voice cheery as always.

“Ugh, you’re missing the point, Dad!” Vanessa snapped, whirling on him. “If we didnt rely on your ridiculous ‘inators, that always fail, to do anything, we could be eating by now!” Buford looked conflicted on if he really had a right to agree with that sentiment when he helped with them, though he eventually settled on just crossing his arms grumpily.

“SHE HAS A POINT, SIR.” Norm cut in.

“Who’s side are you on?!” Doof snapped.

Meanwhile, Perry was swooping above the city on his hang glider, looking down at his work, proudly. The Flynn-Fletchers should be able to catch their reservation at Paul Bunyans now, so the boys didnt have to be disappointed. As he was flying over the streets, however, he noticed a different family unit.

It was hard to hear what was being said over the wind rushing past his ears, but their body language was unmistakable. Vanessa was mad at doof again, and it looked like Buford was too. Norm was hard to read as always. His nemesis, however, looked torn between hurt and angry. He was truly backed into a corner. (…Emotionally this time, not physically.)

Perry churred in sympathy for the kids, though ultimately there was nothing he could do. Dr D had to face the consequences of his actions and his days work was done. He had a family of his own to return to now.

Despite this, as he completely passed the group, his conscience nagged at him. Evil or not, doof truly had wanted to take his kid and pseudo-kids out for a family dinner. Perhaps if he had waited a little while longer to thwart his scheme…

Perry shook his head. He was an agent. He had a mission to accomplish. End of story.

…So why couldnt he stop thinking about them?

As he was on his way home, he spotted a familiar flash of red in the park and swooped in for a closer look. Landing discreetly in a tree, he looked down at the scene to see, what looked like, his family and their friends enjoying a whole neighbourhood-wide picnic. Linda and Lawrence were standing by a table covered in homemade delicacies chatting with Vivian, the boys were sat on a picnic blanket with Isabella and Baljeet, talking, and Candace and Jeremy were little ways away enjoying a quiet picnic together.

Everyone looked perfectly happy.

It wasn’t the dinner they’d planned for tonight, but it seemed they’d found something that worked. Perry felt a smile tug on his bill. He didnt need to ask (not that he could) to know who organised this. He should have known his boys would be fine without him.

…Fine without him.

…He’d left the family a few times overnight in the past. It had never caused a huge upset before. Phineas and Ferb only ever got worried if he was gone in the morning. And they seemed so happy now they would probably never notice if he slipped off for a little longer today…

Screw it.

With a determined look, Perry turned and leapt from the tree, flying back into the city.

“-I mean, I didn’t want to say anything, but I read the reviews for that place and- yeesh! Bad service much? Seriously, we’re better at home. Who even needs th-“ Doof glanced behind him mid-rant and stopped. Vanessa was trudging behind him, carrying those stupid heels her mother bought her with a pointed glare. She didn’t need to say anything to tell him he wasn’t helping. Even Norm was quiet of sarcastic remarks, just walking behind her silently with the kid on his shoulder. It seemed he was using the robot’s ear phone to call his mom to pick him up. Doof couldnt blame him.

With a sigh, he gave Vanessa a pitying look, glancing between her and the heals. “Do you need to sit down, pumpkin?” He offered weakly. She only scoffed and rolled her eyes before dropping down on the curb and propping her head up on her hands. Norm stopped dead in place beside her. Doof sighed again and trudged around the corner, collapsing against a wall where they couldnt see him.

As he buried his face in his hands, he felt a tug on the one of his coattails. Cracking one eye open with a confused hum, he glanced down, only to flinch.

“PERRY THE PLATYPUS?!” The agent at least has the decency to look sheepish at surprising him. “Oh, great,” Doof said sarcastically before snapping “what do you want?” Silently, the platypus held out a sheet of notebook paper and thumbed behind him.

“Huh? What is this- a reservation?” Doof scanned the paper with wide eyes. ‘8:30, table for 5, Lawrence Fletcher.’ “Oh, Perry The Platypus,” he drawled, touched this time. “Are you giving me thi-“ as he looked back at the animal and followed where he was pointing, his face fell. “Paul Bunyans? Really?” He asked, dryly. The agent frowned and wagged a finger at him. “Alright, alright,” he conceded, rolling his eyes. “Beggars can’t be choosers, I get it.” Looking down at the paper again, he felt a sentimental smile form against his will. “Thank you, Perry The Platypus.” He said, genuinely. The agent just smiled and tipped his hat.

“Hey, guys!” He shouted, running back to his family. Vanessa glanced over at him tiredly, while Norm and the kid seemed to be ignoring him. “Guys I- I got us a reservation somewhere!” He shouted excitedly, waving the paper about. Vanessa raised an eyebrow.

“How?” She asked, skeptically. She probably thought he stole it. Fair enough, he supposed.

“I got it from Perry The Platy-“ he turned to gesture to the agent but paused as he saw no one there. “…Huh. That’s funny. He was here just a moment ago.” Shaking his head, he continued. “Oh no matter. The point is, we have somewhere to eat tonight! See, Vanessa sweetie? I can organise something!”

“Didn’t you just say Perry did this?” She asked as she slipped her shoes back on and walked over. Despite her retort, her tone had warmed significantly and she started looking around with growing excitement. “So, where is it?”

“Paul bunyans.”

Her face fell into a similar look of ‘really?’ he’d given his nemesis a moment ago.

“Hey, beggars can’t be choosers.” He warned, without a hint of self awareness. “And besides,” he cooed. “You used to love that place as a little girl!

She gave a resigned sigh and a fond eyeroll. “I guess I did love it…” With a frown, she looked down at her black dress. “Even if I’ll look stupid wearing this into a kiddie resturaunt.”

“Well, at least you’re in good company.” He gestured to his own suit and she gave an amused smile. “Hey, you two!” He shouted to the others. Norm spun his torso around to face him.

“WHAT?” Buford shouted, annoyed, before quietly adding “No Ma, not you.” into the phone receiver and muffling it against his shoulder.

“I got us a reservation at Paul Bunyan’s!” Doof shouted excitedly.

Norm tilted his head, while the kid seemed pretty satisfied with no explanation. “Really?” He asked excitedly,. Doof nodded with an ‘mmhmm’.

“Yup. C’mon, it’s-“ he checked his watch before gesturing for them to hurry. “-It’s almost time!”

Buford quickly told his mother he didnt need picking up now and put the receiver back in Norm’s ear while he and the robot joined the two Doofenshmirtz’s at the street corner.

“Man, I’m starvin’!” The kid complained (?) excitedly as Norm lowered him to the ground on his hand.

“Same.” Vanessa agreed, following her dad to the restaurant.

“I DON’T NEED TO EAT.” Norm added helpfully.

“You sure don’t, buddy.” Vanessa said.

“Excuse me,” Doof started confidently, approaching the plaid-clad woman at the front of the bustling restaurant. “Do you have a reservation for…” completely blanking, he quickly glanced at the paper still in his hand while vanessa facepalmed. “Lawrence fletcher?” He continued, slipping seamlessly back into his confident tone.

Miraculously, the woman didnt question his suspicious behaviour and instead shot him a required, friendly smile. “Of course. 8:30, table for 5?”

Pleasantly surprised that Perry wasnt pranking him, Doof shot her an excited finger gun. “That’s the one!”

“Right this way, sir.” She smiled and opened the fake barn doors, letting in Vanessa, Buford and Norm (who had to severely duck to fit).

“Oh, uh, we can bring in outside food, right?” Doof asked nervously, noticing Norm carrying his jerry can.

“Unfortunately, no.”

Well, looks like they’d have to eat without norm. What a tragedy.

“But uh… I suppose gasoline isn’t really food.” She said awkwardly, breaking her customer service voice out of confusion, as she followed his line of sight. “Soo, you’re good.”

“Oh.” Dammit.

As Doof was following his family into the loud restaurant, the employees voice cut him off one more time.

“Is this little guy your 5th party member?” She giggled.

“Huh?” Glancing behind him, Doof saw no one but a regular platypus on the ground.

“Oh, no I don’t really…know this platypus…” he said, feeling confused. Why was there another platypus in the middle of danville? And why did it look so familiar…

The woman didnt seem to hear him as she was crouching down to scratch the animal under the chin.

“Aww, who’s a good boy? You are! You are!” The wall-eyed animal churred at the affection, leaning into her hand. Doofs eyes softened.

“Aw, well- I suppose he is a cute little guy.” He conceded, crouching down to the animals level. “A-alright, I…I guess he is with us.” Just for dinner, before they checked if he had an owner. After all, how could he say no to that face???

As he went to pick the platypus up, it growled at him. “Alright.” He said tensely, putting his hands on his hips. “Sassy.” The woman giggled.

“He’s probably just hungry. A lot of our customers have been saying that today.”

Doof chuckled nervously, and he could have sworn the platypus glared. “Yeah…funny, that… Um, alright, I guess I’ll just…” he turned to walk inside and glanced back at the platypus unsurely. To his surprise, however, the animal followed him obediently. “Huh. Well trained.”

“Alright, thank you! Come along, Steven.” Doof called happily after the platypus he’d grown attached to.

“I still think he looks like an Alan.” Buford retorted, following him with the animal in his arms (they’d learnt quickly that it was only doof he refused to let hold him, much to the scientists annoyance). Vanessa walked out after them with an amused eyeroll, shooting the platypus a knowing look. It churred nervously in Buford’s grip, earning it a pat on the head.

“THANK YOU FOR THE WONDERFUL SERVICE. I COULDN’T EAT ANOTHER BITE!” Norms generic voice came from inside the restaurant.

“Remember to duck on your way out!” Vanessa called behind her.

“RIGHT.” The robot just that, before standing to his full height outside and shooting finger guns at her. “THANKS, SIS.”

“Uh, no problem, bro.” she responded awkwardly. She wasn’t really sure what to make of her dad’s invention seeing her as a sister, but she wasn’t about to risk saying something that could hurt his feelings in case he had them. “Hey, can you call his mom?” She asked, pointing to Buford. “Our, uh, ‘sibling’ has gotta get home somehow and Dad’s probably gonna forget.”

“NO PROBLEM!” Norm said, before his eyes went black and his voice somehow became even more robotic. “CALLING VAN STOMM HOUSEHOLD….”

Meanwhile, Doof was picking food put of his teeth with a toothpick Buford gave him. “So,” he said, toothpick still in his mouth. “How was that?”

“It was good!” Buford said, a little distracted by the platypus wriggling in his arms. He put him down with another pat on the head before adding. “I like it there.” with a smile.

“I can tell!” Doof said. “Well, I’m glad someone ended up somewhere they liked tonight.”

“Yeah. That was much better than some stuffy adult place. Shame they had no steak, though.” He patted his tummy, looking disappointed. Doof placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Well, that’s life, unfortunately.”

“Yeah…hey, where’d alan go?” Alarmed, the two looked around their feet, before doof pointed down the road.

“There he goes!”

His shout got Vanessa’s attention, who walked over and followed where he was pointing to the platypus trotting casually down the street. An amused smile took over her face and she placed a hand on his arm, bringing it down. “Looks like he knows where he’s going.” She said casually.

“But…” Doof’s eyes got shiny, and she patted him on the shoulder.

“It’s alright, Dad.” She said, half-interested. “I’m sure you’ll see him again.”

“They say if ya love somethin’, let it go.” Buford added wisely. It quickly devolved into an irritable shout as Vanessa ruffled his hair.

“Nerd.” She scoffed, fondly.

“HEY!”

While the two were bickering, and norm was on the phone, Doof smiled fondly at them and then to the scrap of paper in his pocket.

“Thank you, Perry The Platypus.”

#phineas and ferb #my writing #doof and byoof #i didnt wanna like. advertise it because tbh its not the focus but it is definitely that au #heinz doofenshmirtz

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