#he doesn't have a Riko to beat

[my-smial]

The thing is that Jean's life is rigidly structured by who can and cannot do certain things. Take this passage from a nurse visit, for instance:

She had the authority to simply rip his bandages off, but Young only pressed careful fingertips to the tape and asked, "Do you mind"? "you are my nurse," Jean said. She peeled it free...

It's not that a nurse is the best person to take care of him when he's injured, but rather that the role Nurse has the right to him while Jean is injured. You'll notice that Jean did not say "yes, you can touch me to change my bandages," he just stated a fact. Neither Andrew nor Neil would take that as a "yes," and that's purposeful. Jean does not get a say in who does and does not touch him; rather, the world is sorted into people who are entitled to and people who are not, and only the latter can be safely rejected.

This worldview extends beyond Exy, and ultimately underlies how he treats Jeremy: not only must Jean protect him, but in fact he is entitled to. He is the only person who gets to defend Jeremy, and it is in fact wrong and an insult to him if someone else tries.

When Bryson is at the door:

"I am your partner. It is my place to assess and handle threats against you, not hers."

And they can require certain behaviors in each other, beyond just asking. When Kevin is pressuring him into therapy:

"You are not my captain or my partner. You cannot make me."

Implying the converse: that if Jeremy asked, he would be required to accept.

And this is power Jean wields right back: every time he snaps at the Trojans for being bad, it's because he's entitled to by being measurably better than them. The only field he can exercise his power on is the field where he has unquestionably earned that right. If the others proved better than him, somehow, he could then lose this right. He wouldn't be able to, say, critique Derrick casually in a back-and-forth: one of them is better, and the other needs to shut up. Jean gains what little power he has by firmly knowing his place in this hierarchy

This is part of why it's so shattering when Coach Rhemann wants Jean to refuse him, or when they try to get him to articulate that he didn't deserve anything that happened to him. His parents, the Nest, and his coping techniques have taught him how the world works, and he doesn't know what it means to be outside of that. Accepting that others don't have power over him is difficult enough (especially when ultimately they do still have quite a bit of power as coaches and teachers), but stepping out of the hierarchy also means losing the only bit of self-worth he has left. He's Perfect Court; he's better than you. What is he without that?

[darkblueboxs]

I think my favourite element of the writing in aftg is how Riko's downfall is utterly, entirely, beautifully self-inflicted.

Riko is power hungry, a glory seeker, jealous, cruel, vindictive and unable to share the spotlight. His worst actions and features come back to haunt him over and over in a way that is *incredibly* satisfying from a readers' perspective.

-Riko breaks Kevin's hand. Kevin leaves to become one of the foxes' best players, training them into a team worthy of finals and bringing them to victory with the game's final point

-Riko moves the Ravens to the southern district, placing his team directly in the path of the team that will eventually beat him

-Riko terrorises Kevin on the Kathy Ferdinand show, angering Neil into taking a stand against him (...which causes Andrew to re-evaluate Neil's worth, which leads to their deal, which leads to Neil staying with the Foxes...and so on)

-Riko kills Seth, who becomes a driving force for members of the team, particularly Alison, to beat the Ravens

-Riko setting Drake on Andrew further angers the Foxes and motivates them to beat him; Aaron in particular.

-This also results in Andrew sobering up sooner than he otherwise would have, arguably making him a stronger player and helping the Foxes reach finals

-Kidnapping Neil over Christmas break and forcing him to play as a backliner gives Neil an intensive course in Raven teamwork, drills, etc. Which Neil then teaches to the Foxes.

-Oh, and my favourite. They force Neil to play as a backliner against Riko. The very move which Neil then uses to block Riko from scoring in the final. Fantastic. Ten out of (jos)ten.

-Incidentally, beating the shit out of Neil and putting him in a different position causes the Ravens to vastly misunderstand/underestimate how Neil's abilities as a player have developed

-Forcing Neil into his natural appearance and helping his father find him leads to the most unifying moment for the Foxes of the entire series; the Foxes rally around Neil, and finally become one functioning, dedicated unit.

-and god, just when it seems like it couldn't get any better; Riko destroys Jean, taking one of his team's best players off the court before the match can even begin

Riko set almost every moment of his team's defeat into motion months before their match even began; the consequences of his cruelty not only weaken the ravens but fashion an opposing team which is stronger, more unified, and more determined than ever to beat Riko.

And it doesn't end with the match; Riko attempts to kill Neil, serving Ichirou all the justification he needs to dispose of his brother on a silver platter.

Riko Moriyama's fate is self-inflicted from start to finish, in the most deeply satisfying way possible.

[juicegremlin]

Literally sobbing my eyes out because Jean wanted Neil to stay at The Nest so. Bad. Someone barrels into his life—the "what could have been" of Jean Moreau if his mother had saved him instead of sold him—and tells Jean that he doesn't deserve to be treated this way. Jean-Yves "Starving Dog" Moreau doesn't deserve to starve, doesn't deserve to spend his whole life chasing safety and approval. For the first time in a long time, Jean has someone to protect and be protected by—a partner who won't throw him under the bus the first chance he gets. Someone to hold his fucking hand.

And then Neil leaves. Neil leaves, and Jean shatters into even more pieces than before. His partner—the one and only bright spot in Evermore's relentless sea of bad—has gone back to the Foxes, a group of people that would never treat someone the way Jean has been treated. Jean has been abandoned, yet again, by the only person capable of being there for him. Kevin got out. Neil got out. They find homes and lives and families while Jean is forced to stay and let Riko beat him into the ground, day after day after day. What makes Jean so different? So unworthy? Why can't fate hand him the same cards?

He watches Neil flourish from behind black walls, watches Kevin grow and heal and thinks why not me? And he's glad they are safe, but Jean can't help it—he wants them back. Wants someone to bear witness to his pain, even if it means putting them in danger. And is that so awful to crave? A partner in punishment? Someone to promise him hope when all he can see is black?

Kengo dies, and what little bit of hope Jean had allowed himself to cling to dies with him.

I am going to die here, Jean realizes, bleeding out onto the dormitory floor. I am finally going to die here.

When he spots Renee, he thinks he has died. Who else would come for him but an angel without wings?

But no, this is real. Jean is alive, and this is real—after years of battering, it is finally his turn to be saved, and it's all because of the Neil Josten. Jean may have been left, but he was not abandoned. He was in the back of Neil's mind the entire time. Jean watches from behind the Foxes' safety net as Neil takes Riko's resolve and dismantles it with unforgiving hands, as Neil helps return Kevin to his former glory. Watches as Neil drags Riko's life to a screeching halt. Neil cuts a deal for Jean with the Moriyamas—gives him a place outside of Evermore for the first time since Marseille—and Jean can barely breathe under the weight of himself. It's real, but it doesn't feel like it.

And then Kevin—that beautiful, unattainable piece of bitch—sends Jean to the Trojans, repayment for helping Kevin escape all those months ago. Neil takes care of the last piece of Jean's painful past, repayment for Jean's life-saving support at Evermore. And perhaps there is no real way to settle the score between the three of them, but they're free. They're safe. They're alive, and they never could have done it without each other. Maybe that's enough for now.

[adamsrcnan]

confession time. lowkey i don't see what everyone else see's when they describe neil as being like some scary unhinged wild animal in tsc. like to me he's just neil being neil. insufferably blunt and honest, annoyingly snarky and incredibly perceptive to people around him. if anything i think it's more surprising how much more caring he seems. with regards to jean who he claims he can't stand. yet he promises they'll beat the ravens, doesn't say a word after jean trashes their room, is hesitant to leave the hospital room after he confirms riko is dead, asks after jean when jeremy calls kevin late at night, takes all of a couple minutes to decide to put a stop to jean's abuser, was ready to blow off the fbi and make a run for it from the thai restaurant when it seemed like jean wouldn't be able to contain his grief, told wymack he had him, told jean to find his own reasons to not wanna let go of life instead of holding on because he was told he had to, didn't touch jean until he absolutely had to and even then it was to remind him he was worth saving and he should believe it himself. like sure, him putting out a hit is a little unhinged maybe. but i have no doubts he wouldn't have done the same with drake if he'd been able to contact stuart at the time and things did not occur the way they did. again. it's just neil being neil. he's an instigator. and he even said it himself he was great at starting fights knowing he couldn't win them but doing it anyway.

[exyrpf]

Exyblr Dashboard Simulator based on what I personally see on sportsblr:

1/?

👑 girlbossriko follow

how many bro jobs do you think it took before riko moriyama and kevin day realized that uh.....maybe this wasn't just a bro thing

👢exyinaphonebooth follow

how many times do they have to come out and say they're like brothers before you freakos stop shipping them

👑 girlbossriko follow

????? do i know u

#it's a tumblr post about two exy players that you'lll never meet in your life it really isn't that deep

558 notes

💃fox-me-up follow

ngl that newest fox is kinda 👀

#psu lb #exy lb

8 notes

👨🏻‍❤️‍💋‍👨🏻 talk-exy-to-me

The NARRATIVE that kevin day and neil josten have........son of exy! scouting the rookie-est of rookies from fuck knows arizona........no listen you dont GET IT winning is EVERYTHING TO KEVIN and he would risk it on the foxes? And NEIL? who has only played exy for a year! NEIL Gets his attention!!!!! And hes good and he's getting better every game and he keeps bitching about kevin's ex on live tv BUT WAIT!???? NOT QUITE WHAT YOU EXPECT! Bc then neil shows up with a number on his cheek BECAUSE WELL it turns out they've known each other since they were KIDS! how is everyone not insane w me THEY'RE LITERALLY PERFECT

#where r my fellow njkd truthers #how r u all not here with me this isnt even the start #kevneil #210 #psu #njkd

102 notes

☀️ usctrojanny

every smiley blonde striker (jeremy knox) needs a brunette wet cat emotional support backliner (jean moreau)

#jerejean #usc trojans #i'm just saying 🤷‍♀️

58 notes

👸🏻 kevindazed follow

did he just......

👸🏻 kevindazed follow

guys please tell me i'm not insane

👸🏻 kevindazed follow

HE'S NEVER BEEN????? SKIIING???? KEVIN WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ?????? KEVIN PLEASE

#i i'm going insane i will literally die if someone doesn't explain this to me HE'S NEVER BEEN SKIING?!!!!

407 notes

🧚 goalie-stan

oh....i'm feeling so weak......it'd sure be nice to have a big strong goalie (renee walker) hold me up (renee if you're free on tuesday i am also free on tuesday.........on tuesday this tuesday, any tuesday?)

#literally passing out just thinking about her holding me don't call don't text i'm busy

84 notes

🌄 softkevinday follow

do u think if u offered kevin day essential oils to heal his hand he'd beat you to death

#it'd be hard for him bc he only has one hand but he could probably do it #legally this is a joke don't do this

284 notes

🗣️ jeremyknoxes follow

feeling normal

215 notes

📜 realexyblog

actually exy rpf is fine, i asked kayleigh day herself and she told me it was fine

112 notes

🐋 sexyexy

'exy is a stupid name for a sport' have you considered that a) i don't care and b) it's named that solely so i can make sex jokes about it

11 notes

🏳️‍🌈 gay4stickball follow

is he, ya know *mimes jerking off* an ncaa exy player

#i don't believe that straight exy players exist

56 notes

🙈 ittybittyminny follow

Andrew Minyard!!!!!!! 🥰🥰 short king!!!!🤏🤏😋😋 Awwwwwwww the scrunkly!!!!! 🤗🤗🤗 My boinky boy!!!!!🥺🥺 Crinkly doo,,,,shronkle scrimblo......🥺🥺🥺 rb if you'd scrunkle!!!!!!! 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

📖 sapphic-exy follow

he literally killed someone

🙈 ittybittyminny follow

And? God forbid women do anything

#also no proof he did that #yeah there's proof his twin bro killed someone but that's not the same bc theyre different people #almost killing someone doesnt count

807 notes

🐦‍⬛ edgarallenexy

got told i'm problematic for liking the ravens? THAT'S LITERALLY MY SCHOOL OH MY GOD

2 notes

🌸 softexy

Kevin Day - A Study

#kevin day #psu foxes #palmetto foxes #exy #web weave #poetry #psu foxes #palmetto #edgar allen

378 notes

[afurtivecake]

Ok let's talk about this line (because I'm slightly obsessed with the complexities of Kevin, Riko, and the portrayal of trauma and abuse in AFTG).

"...precarious line between beloved brother and punching bag."

A thing AFTG does well is the way it consistently presents abusive relationships as relationships. Sometimes in media, an abusive relationship is seen as a situation where one party is the controlling abuser and one is the fearful victim. Sometimes a victim feels that last straw break, becomes disillusioned and leaves for good. It leaves the audience with a morally righteous sense of, "GOOD. GOOD FOR THEM. They deserve so much better." And it's so tempting to see the situation as something black and white. That's the narrative Neil and Andrew see in Kevin's situation. They think he's too scared of Riko even though Riko can't do anything to him anymore, that he should have considered all emotional and material ties to Riko severed the moment Riko broke his hand. In a way, they're absolutely right.

But it's not that simple. Kevin tells them it's not that simple. Jean knows from experience it's not that simple. Kevin and Riko weren't just two sides of a violent situation, perpetrator and victim. They had a real, substantive relationship as brothers and allies. Whatever toxic and twisted form it took, it was still built upon all the same things as a normal relationship: shared history, shared goal, shared emotions, an understanding of each other, and some form of mutual give and take.

Perhaps you can walk away easily from someone whom you've never had a relationship with, who has done nothing but hurt you, like Neil and his father or Jean and Grayson. But it's harder when the abuse comes from someone you've formed a relationship with.

Jean can't stop missing Riko, Zane, and the Ravens even though he hates them and can't be more relieved to be free of them. Neil has meltdowns when he's reminded of his mother (who was still abusive despite how much she loved him and how she tried to protect him with her life) even though he's also glad to be free of her so that he can finally live his life.

"It didn't matter how much Riko hurt him; they'd spent too many years completely wrapped up in each other"

Good people can do bad things and bad people can do good things. That's what makes it so hard to get out of abuse situations sometimes. You can be forever altered by the trauma they caused you but it doesn't erase the memory of the good moments that meant something to both of you and probably will still always mean something to you.

And ok, perhaps Riko had never been actually good to Kevin. But if you've spent your entire life where "manageable" is as good as it gets, guess what, "manageable" is your definition of "good". Good or not, Riko and Kevin still grew up together, trained together, travelled together, won together. They made each other better at the one thing their lives revolved around. They shared in each others' secrets. They were praised together when they won and shared each other's pain when they failed at something. Besides exy, each other was all they had. And none of that stops being true even when Riko beats the shit out of Kevin or punishes him for stepping out of line or even when he breaks his hand.

[elene78-blog]

Noah and Elodie don't remember their worst moments, but they know they're dead. They can only talk to each other (they don't know why), so they start to see what's happening to their siblings in the Land. They realize they're in limbo, and to get to heaven, they have to help their siblings be happy. They see everything, or almost everything. They cover each other's eyes when they don't want the other to see something inappropriate (like Jean being tortured by Riko or Jeremy hurting himself or crying).

Elodie hates Riko. All she says are French insults and she throws ghost spit at him.

Elodie pushes Jean in The Nest over and over again. She grabs his hand when Jean is about to fall, and sometimes he looks at her as if he can feel her.

Noah is very angry at his siblings for how they treat Jeremy. He doesn't understand his mother and is beginning to realize the pressure they all always put on Jeremy. He's afraid because he sees in Jeremy some of the same evasive feelings he had himself. He tries to stop Jeremy from doing bad things to him, but Jeremy seems closed to any attempt at contact, unlike Elodie's brother. It's as if Jeremy is trying to evade everything that's happening around him.

One night, Elodie thinks Jean is about to die and uses all her ghostly strength to force Jean to use his phone. She turns it on and rests Jean's finger on Renee's number. Elodie almost faints from the effort, but Jean seems to understand and types a message. Then Riko comes in, and Noah has to drag Elodie out because Elodie is desperate, screaming and crying like crazy.

Noah spends a lot of time with Jean and Elodie while keeping an eye on Jeremy.

They both think… "My brother could help yours. He's always been so kind."

And… They hatch a plan.

These two little ghosts do a lot of crazy things to get these two to meet. Just as they thought, they knew they would like each other.

…

Elodie tries to hug Jean when Jean finds out she's dead, but Jean doesn't feel her. She sleeps with him that night and every night after, but Jean doesn't know she's there, although sometimes she feels his phantom hand (Elodie is sure of this).

Elodie likes Neil and touches his scars with her phantom finger to play tricks on him. Elodie makes faces at Kevin and says a thousand rude things to him because she doesn't like him, but sometimes she sees Kayleigh up there and she tells him it's not right, so he stops. Elodie respects Kayleigh a lot.

Elodie sometimes doesn't recognize Jean, especially when he's with the Ravens. Jean doesn't fight Riko, and he hits the younger Ravens. He's violent on the court. Jean-Yves never raised his hand to her or anyone younger. Jean-Yves made faces at his parents when they weren't looking, shoved spiders in their shoes, and wouldn't lower his head when his father beat him with his belt until he bled.

When Jean goes with the Trojans, Elodie slowly begins to recognize him again.

…

Noah talks to Jeremy all the time. He tells him that he doesn't like Leo and that he doesn't understand why Jeremy is doing this to himself. He tells him where the documents are, but Jeremy doesn't hear him. He tells him that Bryson is becoming someone he doesn't like and that it's best to leave, but Jeremy still longs for his mother's affection. Noah tells him that he, too, hoped they would love him enough, but that it wasn't to be. Noah tells him that he understands now that he can't depend on other people for love, not even Mom.

Noah is very afraid that Jeremy will do the same thing he did. Noah tries to remember why he jumped, but he can't remember the moment of his death or everything that led him to jump. Noah hates it when Jeremy looks at his picture and he can't cry. He knows Jeremy doesn't do it because he thinks he doesn't have the right to. Jeremy's guilt overwhelms Noah.

Noah wishes he hadn't jumped.

…

Jean seems to be better after some time with the Trojans. Elodie uses all her ghostly strength to flip the pages of a recipe book to the page with her brother's favorite meal on Jean's birthday. Cat catches on quickly (although she thinks it was Jean). That's fine. Elodie likes Cat and Laila, but since Cat is very superstitious, she's easier to handle. Elodie also likes Jabberwocky because he senses her and looks at her often.

Jeremy is sad for a few days, but Jean comforts him. That's the brother Elodie remembers, although much more serious.

…

When Jean kisses Jeremy, Noah covers Elodie's eyes, and Elodie squeals. Then she keeps pestering Jean: "You have a boyfriend, you have a boyfriend, you're in loveeee! Are you getting married? You have a boyfriendeee!" And it's as if Jean hears her, because sometimes he turns red and sighs very deeply.

…

Noah helps Jeremy throw his cell phone into the ocean so those nasty kids won't contact him anymore. Afterward, Jeremy wades into the water, very sorry because cell phones can pollute the water, and that's very bad for the environment. He finds it, and Noah and he throw it away in a recycling area. Much better.

Noah thinks Jeremy is in love with Jean. Noah draws a heart on Jeremy's cheek with his finger.

Jeremy looks at Noah.

It's the first time in years Jeremy has felt Noah.

…

Noah yells for Jeremy to leave the house when things get really ugly.

"Go find Jean, go to Jean, Jeremy!"

Elodie has to stop Noah because Noah is about to disappear, trying to get Jeremy to go to Jean. If he doesn't, Jeremy will end up like Noah, and Noah can't allow that.

Jeremy goes to Jean. Noah doesn't know if he heard, but Jeremy goes to Jean.

…

Everything's going much better. Elodie and Noah have to cover their eyes a lot because their brothers are shameless.

Jean and Jeremy are very happy.

It's time.

Elodie kisses Jean on the cheek before leaving. Noah reminds Jeremy it wasn't his fault and hugs him.

Jeremy and Jean look at them for a moment as they say goodbye.

Then the two disappear, their fingers intertwined.

[werezmastarbucks]

U N7 masterlist 1/14

reader x yoongi (?) unrequited; angst; in medias res, non-linear narration

word count: 5028

taglist: @ktownshizzle

you finally, slowly, start the journey of coming to terms.

he might never love you back. it might not happen at all, after all. after all the fantasies and all the labour your imagination has employed, after all, the reality doesn't change even for the dreamers like you. he might. never look at you the same way you look at him. you have to sleep on this thought; you still feel the sand under your body as if you have died on the beach and continued on only in the shape of the ghost. this thought brings back the sound of night waves and Jimin's voice. you have to open your eyes really wide and look at it directly because there is nothing else left, everything else, each excuse, each cop out, each shortcut, each hope has been washed off and only the wet cold sand is left. look at it. with your eyes open. Yoongi might never fall in love with you and he has no reason to. you meet people who are different from each other every day. hoping for the particular one is a statistical suicide. there are eight billion people on the planet, and you point your finger at just one and demand that he, and no one else, falls in love with you. it is statistically laughable. there are other people who are already in love with you, and their peril is the same. out of all the population, they pointed at you and lost, just like you did. Jimin said it best. you are the team of losers.

you might have to watch him move on from Riko and then slowly regain his happiness and meet someone else. because that's what happens. he will meet someone. the fertile soil of your presence might never be relevant to him and he will actually make his path so many times longer only to avoid colliding into your soul, close, warm, familiar. he will go out of his way by living aside, parallel to you, and work, work in order to meet someone new, and then do the whole connecting experience all over again, from scratch. and his hard work will pay off and he will love them, and they will love him back. Yoongi, he is a different species from you. he is laser-focused, he is unique, he is chosen. he has the gaze that attracts people like a pulling rope. he has the moon in his breath and he will get picked up by someone, someone he will choose himself.

you might have to be present to see it, you have to understand. you might not leave Korea because you are almost stable here. you might not lose Jimin and his friendship, Yuri might not divorce and lose Jungkook. you might even have to go see Yoongi's wedding one day. you have to be prepared for that.

you have this silent dialogue with yourself over the mug of the cold tea, music in your airpods skipping beats as you stay deaf to it, Namjoon inside trying to serenade his way into your brain to soothe you like he always does. but the weight of this honest conversation is too loud.

you might have to attend it one day and look at Yoongi happy in a fitted suit, holding someone's hand and tell her that this is the happiest he's ever been.

you don't bother feeling guilty about your perception of it. you never bothered yourself by trying to mold yourself into a completely selfless person. of course you want him to be happy. exactly because you want him to be happy, you have never breathed a word in his direction about your feelings in all four years. but you are allowed to scream internally at even the picture of him being so happy with someone else. he can never be 'happier' with someone else because he never had you. he never wanted you. and he might never want you. there is a 50/50 chance that your lives got intertwined by complete accident that you violently forced upon yourself. all your hard work didn't pay off. alternatively it did, for Yuri and Jungkook. but you start suspecting Yoongi was never even meant to be yours. fate is becoming a believable thing very slowly. because you have tried, subtly. you have tried being there. he saw you. he saw you happy, sad, depressed, sleepy, drunk. he saw you in the countryside and by the pool, and doing flips on the trampoline, he saw you sing in karaoke and cry, he saw you jump into the water and he saw you dance and teach, he saw you stupid, he saw you smart, he saw you bold, charming, hungry. he saw all that, there's no point in inventing new scenarios. it's just not something he wanted. so, maybe you should start getting used to that much, much faster. there's only so much you can do, so much care you can offer, without crossing the line. perhaps you were never meant to be, and you're not good enough.

but Jimin... Jimin is a wise person. for his size, he is full of surprises. Namjoon's music nurses you back to peace and Jimin's words haunt you. there's no leagues, he said. there's no point polls. if Park Jimin can get rejected, you should only pray to be noticed at all. the law of opposite genders, forced into proximity, always ending up together, is false.

you think about all this and Jimin's words take some weight off your shoulders. the worst thing you could do was not be enough. and you think you were quite enough. it's just that Yoongi never asked for it. he was polite about it. you imagine, if you decide to ruin your friendship, he will give you this blank, polite stare.

living like this starts to feel like home. this life starts treating you like a bed of flowers. you know where your mind is, and you know what your job is. this life of having sold your whole soul to Yoongi is, in fact, highly convenient. all the storms are familiar. you don't need to be adventurous. you have the stability of loving him without having to work on a relationship. you know who your friends are. you have the cosy and comfortable title of a nice martyr. Jimin will never not look at you with deep sympathy, being the person who had witnessed the worst of your heartbreak. being the person who had to wash his tees because they were all covered in the snotty salt of your tears. you two, tied for life, your insurmountable despair and his 'what if'. he said he will wait. he said he is okay with being friends. he agrees that meaningful friendship is just as fulfilling as love. you can't even ask Yoongi for that. you feel, no matter what Jiminie says, maybe two leagues exist. Yoongi and then everybody else. the moon, the silver light, the koi pond, the lonely sound of Yoongi, his soft genius, his uneven stride, his blinding irreplaceability. and then everybody else in the world.

you keep yourself from completely dehumanizing him by living next to him. by teaching him. by being better than him at some things. you scold him for not doing his homework and being lazy, tell him about his errors and praise for hard work. you remind him about things and entertain your confidence by being in the 'oldest bunch' of the company.

you don't idealize him (you do), it's just that the veins of your body are all tied up in knots. he is a usual human who is completely unbearable when he's grumpy. it's just that you want only this human and no other human. it's a curse. it's mental illness. it's a condition.

you wouldn't know what to do with him at this point anyway. there's been so much dreaming, so much fantasizing about him, so much ache that of course unfairly points at him, even though he has no idea about it. if he should come down on the same level to you and speak to you with love, offer himself, you would get so terrified that you'd push him away. you are too far in the realm of dreaming about him.

when you look at it like that, it's almost bearable, even somewhat nice. again, there's stability. and everybody dreams a little. Yoongi shall forever remain your dream; unattainable, just like all dreams are; what if, even though you're trying not to, you still idealize him, and the real him, the one even under the layers of Yoongi the student, Yoongi the musician, Yoongi the friend, will still be different? yes, you can go on like this, you think as you watch the tea in your mug sit absolutely still, no vibrations whatsoever as you're not moving at all. you can go on like this.

but open your eyes, you urge yourself. it's an almost daily painful but necessary exercise. open and look. picture the day when you read unapologetic happiness on his face as he looks at somebody else. picture the expression of undying love. the expression of the same dream you have for him. directed - not at you. can you go on like this? only until he falls in love again.

the fact he had broken up with Riko is irrelevant. he is still not yours. and he might never be. you repeat it like mantra, you take it like a bitter pill, every time his hand brushes against yours as you two exist in the same room. every time his eyes look at your face as he asks something. every time he enters your classroom with a smile. if you don't repeat this prayer you might do something stupid and never recover his friendship again.

maybe you should? lose him completely. but seeing him from time to time is such sweet pain; the muscles of your stomach and your chest contract so hard sometimes you have to pretend to bow down as if you had dropped something; this iron pain meaning you still live. happines, you read somewhere, is a rough mass, covering a human from head to toe. it's blinding like the sunlight. it's heavy like a royal coat. it's exhausting like a day in July. grief, on the other hand, is the most intricate of all feelings, dripped into your veins in a narrow, exquisite and beautiful stream without a hurry. it fills you up and draws patterns on your bones turning you into a piece of art. you're clumsy, messy, selfish, unstable, unsteady. you suffer when you see Min Yoongi, you love seeing him, you battle with yourself all of the time, and you never, never seem to shake off the dumb hope. it clings onto your guts with long, crooked claws, so fucking stubborn, it's more strong-headed than a virus that already mutated a dozen times. it's deeper than bone marrow, it changes faces molding into acceptance, depression, imagination and anger. one thing you can't seem to learn is kill hope, no matter what you do. even after seeing him look at Riko with eyes full of need, even after being clashed with him nose to nose and still not getting him, you just can't kill it. hope lives on inside of you, an unrelenting, draining companion. it's worse than depression. it keeps you going. it makes you blush and gives you the edge that people around love so much. how does she have so much energy, she studies all day and then works all evening! working with idols must be absolutely exhausting! it's hope. every time you see Yoongi, your muscles contract and hurt you and this physical reaction injects hope. and so you go on.

you do try though. Jimin and Yuri sometimes scold you for rejecting the opportunities. he is single now, go for it. but you want to be subtle. you have a perverse feeling of pride stopping you from stepping to Yoongi when nothing indicates he is interested. being in this hole is comfortable, it's warm. and you do try actually. you keep running into each other at Hybe because he starts hitting the gym more often after the breakup. Yoongi is the type of person to externalize his happiness and internalize his grief. when he has something to smile about, he will generously share it with others. when he has something to cry about, he will retreat to the gym at ten in the evening, giving you a fraction of a headstart, and you don't need more. you run into each other once and you pick it up, pack it away and turn it into a habit. one time you decide to not be lazy and go home straight after the lessons and you majorly luck out. Yoongi quietly walks around the empty gym until he notices you, and you notice him. both in earphones, not bothering each other, but there's no reason for him not to approach you. you're too familiar now. you're almost normally happy to see him, but you'd be happier to see anybody else. that, again, the duality. you're trying to understand what would be the perfect circumstances that made you happy. ah-

in your idealistic mind it would've been love at first sight. then everything just happens naturally by itself, and the strength of pull is equally compelling from both sides. it would've been perfect if, on the night when Jungkook introduced you to the boys as 'that genius girl who pushed Yuri into my life', he'd throw one look at you and stop in his tracks. fairytale stuff, you know, but you lack any power to care about how embarrassing it sounds. it didn't take you one second to fall in love with him, no. but would've been neat if it only took him one glance. you would've been generous and cool about it. he would've forgotten that he was trying to unwrap the cord from around himself and push the wet hair away from his forehead. he would've played it cool, too. one hook. a fraction of a headstart was all you needed. but instead, Yoongi's eyes slipped off you as he nodded, his pupils attentive, polite, unloving. he was too tired after the show, didn't offer his hand, naturally reserved. Yoongi doesn't do love at first glance.

anyway, you extend each other tired glances. he has dark circles under his eyes and you have a promise of a cramp in your stomach muscles that contract, contract, hurting your already stressed body.

"huh, I was wondering if you quit or switched schedule", he says, removing one earbud and looking across the empty gym. it's not too typical to have the whole space to yourself: at this time there's usually still commotion. people still working downstairs and working out here, staring at the dark city.

you nod back and hold yourself up, letting the body shake with tension as you train your core.

"too many people in the morning".

"morning hours aren't too beneficial anyway", Yoongi agrees. and with that, you just go back to existing in perfect parallel. not minding each other. he never minds your presence, never tries to avoid it. you're like... a nice tree to him. unassuming and non-irritating, sometimes drawing his glance when going through motions. you like to think of yourself as his friend but in reality, you have no idea.

boys always obey their English tutors, it's in a boy's nature. all three, Jimin, Hoseok and Yoongi, submit to your authority even when you're outside of the classroom. you are tender and kind about it. but this mutual affection doesn't mean shit. you are still - Jimin's ex-crush best friend, Hoseok's only hope and Yoongi's unassiming tree existing nearby.

you switch your time around and start going at ten three times a week, pretending you've been doing it forever. every evening, Yoongi is there and you notice that he's a little more passionate with his lifting. he has been hurt, probably, deeply. you're not close enough to ask him about it. he's not Jimin who wipes away snot from your nose and trusts you with secrets. you hope that someone, maybe even him, speaks about the breakup with Yoongi. Riko has always been the it girl in the worst sense. irresistibly beautiful which prevented everybody from holding her accountable. she was the first one to storm out of the room if she felt toxic; Yoongi spoiled her to the point of being childish and capricious; Yoongi sang in karaoke for her which meant he really, really wanted to keep her. cheating was where he drew the line. he has probably been significantly wounded, you realize as he enters your visual field through the mundane gym activity. in the periphery of your vision. Yoongi is a deeply sensing person; unlike the others who are more extraverted, he is truly a closed up person. everything that's going on with him, is going on down there. he is such a healthy adult, pushing the pain out of himself methodicaly, with precision and weights. the most tragic part is that you can wrap your head around it. you don't ask yourself how she could have cheated on Min Yoongi. everybody gets cheated on. it's a funny world. you can say that if you had Yoongi you would've never done anything to lose him, you would've kept him. it doesn't matter because nobody offered you Yoongi.

you circle around each other, him keeping a friendly eye on your reckless activities. he remembers, from the early days of your corporate training here, that you lack proper attention and care with the heavy equipment. Jungkook is a morning person and when you went with the main bulk at seven a.m., he used to keep an eye on you. yelling across the room "NO WAIT DON'T DO THAT!"

Yoongi is the type of person to silently care about somebody without being asked. when the gym happens to be completely empty, with just you two, he keeps closer as if out of instinct. no reason not to. he walks over without saying anything and adjusts the plates. just like an oppa would do. he thinks of himself as your oppa: known you for four years. always around. a little messy; cracked her head in the bathroom once. a lot of blood. you wonder if his thinking brings him back to that one getaway Jungkook had forced you into.

you told him that if it's a couples getaway there's absolutely no excuse for you to go. Jungkook made his landmark puppy eyes but with a threat: Yoongi. Yoongi is the reason. Jungkook always hated Riko's guts. he said, you go with Jimin. you're a couple, right? a couple of losers. Jimin is your number two, and you are his, always. no reason for you not to go, actually. everybody knows you are Yuri's closest friend. Jungkook extends his affection to you because, if you hadn't infatuated him with your buzzy personality in the first place, he would have never made it to the love of his life. it came through you. you dragged him to her almost by the hair. because Jungkook, he was Yuri's dream. 50% success rate is pretty impressive when you're playing with people's fates. everybody knows how Jungkook feels about you. Yoongi says you are two idiotic twins sometimes, even though there's an age gap. but with Jungkook, you become stupid. the trio of you is inseparable. then there's Jimin with his still lingering (or not) feelings for you. luckily you are neck deep in the Bangtan business. you tutor three of them, one of them thinks of you as an older sister, and the rest seem to tolerate you just fine. you are a friend. you are a friend, why is it so hard to accept it? Yoongi completely warps your perception. you constantly feel out of place, like you're forcing yourself on them. but if you hadn't forced yourself on Jungkook that one time in Prague, he wouldn't be married to the love of his life now. so it's a pass. they have accepted you and you need to accept that.

so you go, with Jimin. you are on your period and it should have been a sign but actually Jungkook is right. his softer "Yunki" is all you need to hear. if you get to spend some time in the vicinity of him, even if he's just there, not speaking to you, you will take it. Riko is annoyed when you bleed so heavily that you can't get out of the bathroom on your own. you open the door and call for Yuri, in your voice a tingle of panic. upong getting out, you hit your face on the tile floor and sharp pain cracks your skull, you hope, not literally.

Jungkook yells back that all the three girls are outside: Yuri, Riko and Namjoon's wife Yuna. cleaning some shit or jumping on the trampoline, he doesn't know.

you observe yourself and the situation: naked on the floor in the pool of blood, limbs going lazy, dizzy and nauseous; the period hit you somewhat brutally this time. you go with Taehyung: he is also there and he, in fact, didn't need an explicit reason to come. it's his friends, his brothers. he can go away with them for a weekend and not spin a whole ass narrative to justify it. he never feels out of place. also, he doesn't like women, like, at all. been in love with Jungkook for the best part of his life, so long that now he feels like maknae's extension. anyway, you are not afraid to make him feel awkward and he is the only one whose woman won't think badly of you. he doesn't have one. you decide against Jimin because you never want to provoke him. you never want to strain his will and his honest attempt at not loving you. you never like to bother him. Taehyung, he's different. he is too cool and doesn't take shit from anybody. if he tells you to fuck off you won't feel bad about it.

you don't see how in the kitchen, there's a haunted look as if they are tributes to Hunger Games. Taehyung mouths, 'why me?' they can hear that something is wrong. Jungkook even starts to go instead of him but then reminds himself you're not actually his sister. there should be some line he can't cross. so Taehyung sets off and cracks the door open and goes pale in the face: there's so much blood and he can't tell where it all came from. you had wrapped yourself in the towel and now reach for him, asking him to just plop you back into the tub and turn on some warm water and you'll be fine.

"i am actually much less used to a female body", he grumbles, half-horrified, trying to stay chill as he grabs you by the shoulders and turns his head away. you don't know how to explain to him that he is the only man you're not afraid of, without offending him.

"are you sure you don't need an ambulance?" he asks. you laugh out loud at his innocent male panic. no, baby. it's just period. you had washed the blood off your forehead already, it doesn't even bleed that much. it's just period blood, chunks of you, the uterus tearing itself apart in a fit of rage. another month and no action. you never want to have sex again, if you can't have it with Yoongi.

Taehyung leaves whiter than the tiles and tells them that he's never seen so much blood. Jimin lands himself at the kitchen counter and listens like it's a camp story. Jungkook paces, unsure, then runs outside to get the girls. Namjoon is traumatized to his core: it's comical, really. endearing. they all act according to their personality types. Yoongi begins to quietly boil water to make you herb tea, and fishes some painkillers out of the drawer. he thinks fondly about Riko who also has hard periods. also bleeds a lot. nothing special but he knows what to do. painkiller, and if it doesn't help, dark chocolate. herb tea with flaxseeds. big blanket and a tap on the forehead - Jimin can do it. he finds it funny how you start to grumpily refuse the ambulance when Yuri and Yuna come into the bathroom and yelp with horror at the sight of all the blood. his shoulders shake with laughter because he genuinely finds you funny; it's not a crime and it's definitely not enough to fall in love.

Riko hates you and you know that she knows that you love Yoongi. girlfriends always notice. you don't even have to look at him.

well, now she has lost. their joined movement together has been terminated and now you're the only one orbiting his cold, stone planet. he must really like you as a friend, you think, when he instinctively keeps close during those evening gym hours. you never speak because you both listen to your own music. but he doesn't mind helping out without any words. he pays attention when you yelp with pain. he shuffles around funnily, stomping his feet and crunching his nose, while you lie with your feet up, pressing 88 lbs. you want to laugh at yourself as wetness starts pooling in your pants when he simply approaches you. one look at his tense back or his strong arms traced with pale blue veins, the reminder of how agile he really is, how hard he is to break, how light you'd be in these arms - and you come undone. you do laugh out once, feeling the warmth of arousal bother you, as you lift your hips. he simply exists near you, and you go insane. you laugh out because he is wearing his earbuds and has no idea whatsoever. he's an iceberg sure, a human who lives deep inside of himself. but he knows equally little about how insane you are about him, and there's certain poetry about it. it makes you love him more. his polite inability to see you. the way he has warmed up to you in four years. the way he started trusting you enough to be relaxed around you.

you cannot ruin that trust. so you go to the bathroom and pee and when you return he asks if you're alright. this friendship, the slowest one, just sets you deeper. it feels that, one more level down the road of familiarity, and he surely will never see you as anything. in your mind, being friends with him is worse than being enemies. when you're an enemy, there's at least passion. but you can't deny him this connection. he deserves to have friends who will protect his peace. he deserves to have a friend now, when he's sensitive and broken up, betrayed, confused.

"so that is true then", you muse. you never gesture for him to take an earbud out, just start speaking and he picks up the signal. you don't talk much at the gym except for hello and help.

"mmhm?"

"you break up with a girl and you start hitting gym seven days a week".

Yoongi grins with the whole upper body, throws shoulders forward.

"i don't know what to say about that".

you don't need him to. it's just a comment. but he continues:

"i am angry all the time now".

"i would also be angry in your place", you say. he nods and his uncombed hair falls to the sides, released by his hand. he always works out in fucking flip flops. and you're always scared he will trip on them and hurt himself. he's not an idiot, just very, very unbothered.

maybe he even wants to speak about it more. maybe he wants to pour his heart out but you don't think you can take it. with time, you started doubting that you'll handle Yoongi. you could have handled him back then, and then a year later, and even two years later. but, as time piled up, you found yourself buried under the heavy rubble of those pale pink fallen blossoms, too big to push through. you don't know how you'll react. the hole you're in is too deep, too comfortable. it's easier to just observe him up there from under the ground.

Yoongi is perceptive and very eloquent-feeling, he is empathetic. he is not selfish and maximized like Jungkook who inserts himself into your life under the guise of helping you. and he's not as relaxed and confident as Jimin who's seen you vomit your feelings out in his bathroom. he's not the charming Hoseok who knows you can't say no to him. he's not the zero-bullshit Taehyung who understands that you see him as one of your kind. and he's not Namjoon who knows he's an ultimate older brother figure you admire. he is more like Jin in terms of distance; you're a little scared of Jin and his unearthly beauty, still a little unsure to bother him with conversations unless he initiates them by himself. you can approach Tae easily and slap him on the shoulder and scold him for still not starting lessons with you. it's a running joke that you feel sure about. but not with Jin. with Jin, he controls all the interactions because you're just not desperate enough for his attention.

Yoongi is simply too intuitive to force it. he keeps his distance with calm acceptance as he sees you put the airpod back into your ear. he never questions it. after all, you are just friends and you never seem to cling onto him like you do with the others. you wonder if that's what he thinks. you like fantasizing about what he thinks of you. you like to telepathically ask Jimin about it. you are dying to know but you will never ask; the suffering of the unknown is just too good. Yoongi is simply too good to bother these quiet waters. even after four years, his presence alone is still fulfilling.

[joejhang]

andrew's such a fake idgafer no way anyone ever thought this man was apathetic or soulless like...he cares so fucking much??? he beat up four grown men trying to hurt nicky (as a teenager, btw). he enrolled them all in psu so aaron could become a doctor. he threatened nicky at knifepoint not to hurt or touch neil (and this wasn't about neil specifically this was because he's been there, he's been a victim, and he wouldn't want anyone else, even this strange know-nothing kid who he finds suspicious, to experience it). he says "spoil the ending for me, did you kill him?" when renee told him about the man who raped her and she can tell he cares about her answer; he cared to know if she escaped the man who abused her even though he barely knew her at all at the time. he punched matt (a guy like twice his size) for hitting kevin. he nearly choked allison to death for slapping aaron. he freaked out so badly when neil was kidnapped; he literally strangled kevin, lapped the campus multiple times, went through his bag and phone, checked hospital records, felt fear for the first time in years...and everyone's still just like "oh yeah he doesn't have a soul." what??? he yells at someone for the first time when bee has a heart attack. he didn't tell bee about neil even though he told her about so much else because he didn't want to risk her disapproval. he had to sit in silence for a few minutes just processing how easily aaron and bee accepted his relationship with neil. he said "everyone knows now, bee" after they all found out about dr*ke's assault because he couldn't stomach the fact that he thought his loved ones wouldn't trust him to protect them now that they thought he couldn't protect himself. he bought neil armbands to match his so he wouldn't have to see the scars his father's people made on his arms. he ran to neil like all of hell was at his heels when riko threatened him. who the fuck ever thought he was apathetic or soulless.

[adhdduckie]

from the outside. teen!g.s. x reader.

my masterlist

irl mutuals dni

music choice; yo bro wtf

word count: 1.5k

synopsis; your best friend gojo and you through the eyes of shoko and getou.

warnings; not proof read.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i. geto suguru, gojo's other best friend.

gojo and getou's relationship was a strange one. they had been friends as soon as they joined jujutsu tech high. In the years that they had known one another, they had grown to read each other like a book they had known forever.

ever since riko's death, things have been hard for the both of them. the elders force gojo to work more, and getou is left mostly alone. you're there sometimes to help him if he needs it, and sometimes he thinks it's the only thing that's keeping him sane.

The four of you are standing outside the halls, while gojo shows you his limitless technique for the first time. it's impressive, to say the least. The rubber thrown at him by shoko bounces off his head, and the pencil stops moving, it doesn't get close enough to him to hurt him.

a couple of weeks later, getou notices that gojo has it on all the time. there is not a moment in the day where gojo doesn't have infinity on. walking through the rain as a group, gojo's the only one that doesn't get wet at all. You're soaking, regardless of having been under a large umbrella.

gojo nudges and laughs at you, but no matter how many times you push him away from underneath the umbrella, he doesn't get wet, and you groan in irritation.

a couple days later, getou's at the vending machines, buying a couple cans of soft drinks for all of you. You, gojo and shoko are sitting around a table, gojo facing away from getou. getou walks up behind, with the cans in hand, attempting to press the cold can to gojo's cheek like he used to do.

but he realises he can't. his hand doesn't pass through the limitless barrier, and instead of saying something, he just sets the can down in front of gojo, as he says something stupid to change the topic. you all see how tired gojo is sometimes, but he takes on all of the jobs he's given, cuz after all, he's the strongest, right?

shoko is unable to touch him, too. a couple days later after the incident with getou, she tries to swat at him after gojo steals a fry off his plate when you're all sitting in the KFC booths. like getou, she can't touch him.

after KFC, you all head to the arcade. it's a rare day where you are all free, so you gotta make the most of it. getou and shoko are staring at some basketball game, and after awhile, they decide to play it.

you're staring at some cute little plushy inside the claw machine. it's a scam, you know. but that little white cat with the black sunglasses reminds you too much of a certain someone, and if you can't have him, you'll take the cat.

since claw games are a total scam, you spend three tokens trying to get that little cat, which you've mentally dubbed as mini 'toru, and when those three tokens are wasted, you sigh, pushing away from the machine and go find something else to do.

unbeknownst to you, satoru has been watching the entire time, and while you're prancing on the dance dance revolution with shoko, he gets it for you. getou watches, not commenting on anything at all, just smirking as he watches from afar.

he walks up to you, while you beat shoko's ass by a substantial amount. he taps your shoulder, and when you spin around, your face breaks out into a wild grin. completely forgetting about the game, you jump, throwing your arms around gojo.

getou flinches in preparation, fully expecting you to slam face first into the impossible barrier. but when he doesn't hear the sound of you getting hurt, he opens his eyes, not really noticing when they fluttered shut.

the sight that meets his eyes is astounding. your arms are wrapped around gojo's neck, and you're grinning at him happily. gojo's got his arms wrapped around you to stop you from falling.

getou hears a gag behind him, and turns around to see shoko being dramatic, gagging at the lovey dovey sight. they catch each others' eyes, and grin at each other, knowing that something more might just blossom between you and gojo, as his infinity was not on around you. i mean, getou's slightly hurt that it's on around him, but he's more excited than anything.

ii. shoko ieiri, your own best friend.

it's been a long, exhausting week. actually, it felt more like a year. you've spent ages doing paper work and killing curses, spent hours inside the infirmary. you've barely seen gojo all week, and you bitch and moan about being busy next to shoko as she patches you up.

"shut up." she tells you, pulling a wrap tightly together, as you let out a soft hiss.

you glare at her, before a notification pings on your phone. shoko watches as your face lights up immediately when you see who sends you the message, and much to shoko's joy, you shut up.

curious to know who it is, she leans over your shoulder, gently pushing your face to see better. she rolls her eyes, noticing satoru's name and profile pic popping up, and she turns around, going back to wrapping you up.

it's an invitation to watch a movie with him, to have your weekly movie marathon. you send a quick, speedy reply, agreeing to meet him, simply stating that you'll grab the snacks and drinks and meet him in a hour.

shoko rolls her eyes again, watching as you stumble quickly off the table, grabbing your stuff, while she yells after you to be careful, and that she hasn't even finished.

"i'll be fine!" you yell back at her. she sighs, shaking her head, glancing back to her monitor, a photo of the four of you up in the background. even in the photo, you're looking at gojo.

in the image, he's staring at the camera, but your eyes are trained on him, a smile on your lips. getou and shoko are laughing, and you have your arm slung over shoko's arm.

she sighs again, stretching her neck out as she thinks. your love for him is so obvious, it's a wonder satoru hasn't noticed yet. she sits up straight again, getting back to her work.

the hours go by quickly as she fills out paperwork. it's dark by the time she finishes, way past midnight. all she can hear is crickets chirping, and the rustling of leaves in the wind.

she stands from her chair, stretching out her long arms, cracking her back. she walks through the school's halls, reminiscing about her past.

at the end of the hall, where the common room is, there's a harsh glow of a light, the tv still playing. shoko walks closer, expecting either you or satoru to have forgotten to switch off the tv when you went to bed.

she's surprised to find you both still there, as she stands in the doorway. from her position, she can only see the back of the couch, yours and gojo's head. as she quietly stalks closer, to remind you to go to bed early, especially after being hurt.

as she walks closer, she sees the food you went and bought still spread around the table, an open box of cheese pizza, several bags of chips, and three boxes of satoru's favourite kikifuku you somehow managed to get despite his favourite store being an hour away.

as her eyes drag over the mess in front of her, mostly satoru's, you would say if you were awake, since there's popcorn all over the couch and on the floor, she notices the spots you and satoru are in.

she slaps her hand over her mouth, forcing the laugh down. the two of you are cuddled close together, like satoru and you can't even bear to be apart while asleep, or as if, while sleeping, there was something pulling you together.

satoru's legs are tangled with yours, his arm over your shoulder, your face hidden in the crook of his neck. she smiles again, pulling her phone out and snapping photos for you, since she knows you'd love having them.

as she tucks her phone away, and switches off the tv, as to not disturb your peaceful sleep, she sees a small movement in the corner of her eye. when she looks, the movement immediately stops, but she sees a smile curve across satoru's lips.

ah. he's been awake this entire time. his eyes flutter open, and they make eye contact. satoru pulls up the hand that's not wrapped around you, and brings a finger to his lips, shushing shoko.

she laughs, shaking her head. the little shit. she bets he's planned this entire thing out. she turns on her heel, walking back to her own room, quickly sending the photos to both you and satoru, and sending another to getou. his response is immediate.

'how much longer do you think this will last?' getou wagers in his text

'not much more pining, i think. it's about time, i believe.' shoko states.

she's right. it's not long before you finally get together, and getou and shoko heave a sigh of relief.

[otdiaftg]

The King's Men - Chapter Fourteen

Day: Saturday, March 9th / 10th* Time: 3:55 PM EST

Nathaniel's heart skips a beat. The heat that gnaws at his chest is an ugly mix of gratitude and shame. He tries to speak but has to clear his throat before trying again. "But why? I've done nothing but lie to them. I willingly put them all in danger so I could play a little longer. They got hurt last night because of me. Why would they protect me now?" "You are a Fox," Andrew says, like it is that simple, and maybe it is. Nathaniel drops his eyes and works his jaw, fighting for a center he is quickly losing hold of. He barely recognizes his own voice when he says, "Andrew, they want to take me away from here. They want to enroll me in the Witness Protection Program so my father's people can't find me. I don't want—" he starts, but that isn't fair. "If you tell me to leave, I'll go." He doesn't say it will kill him, but he doesn't have to. Andrew hooks his fingers in the collar of Nathaniel's sweatshirt and tugs just enough for him to feel it. For a moment Nathaniel is months away from this moment, standing in the darkened front hall of Andrew's house for the first time with a warm key digging into his palm. It feels like coming home, and it is enough to take the edge off his fear. "You aren't going anywhere," Andrew says: the same words, the same promise. He is speaking in English again, and Nathaniel understands why when he hears Andrew's next words. Andrew is playing instigator and inviting the Foxes to the fight. "You're staying with us. If they try to take you away they will lose." "Take you away," Dan echoes. "To where?" "Are we talking about 'away for some questioning' or 'away for good'?" Matt demands. "Both," Browning says. "You can't have him," Nicky says. "He belongs with us." "When people find out he is still alive they will come for him," Browning says. "It is not safe for him here anymore, and it sure as hell isn't safe for you. It is better for everyone if he disappears." They understand better than he ever would, since Kevin has already told them of the Wesninski-Moriyama alliance. They'd been dealing with Riko's madness for a year now thanks to Kevin, and they look wholly unimpressed by Browning's warnings. "What part of 'go to hell' do you need us to explain to you?" Allison asks. "We're all legal adults here," Matt adds. "We've made our decision. Unless he wants to stay with you, you'd better bring Neil back to us when you're done with all your questions." "'Neil' isn't a real person," Browning says, fed up with their willful ignorance. "It's just a cover that let Nathaniel evade authorities. It's past time to let him go." "Neil or Nathaniel or whoever," Nicky says. "He's ours, and we're not letting him go. You want us to vote on it or something? Bet you it'll be unanimous."

Art used with permission by Kurra. Thank you @kurra!

*Due to the Leap Year, I have opted to highlight the day rather than the date to keep the events in occurrence to the 2007 year. I will continue to mark both days accordingly.

[limetimo]

Thinking about Jean, Neil, and how Nora said Nathaniel would never leave Jean.

Thinking about the fic Raven!Neil subgenre where Riko beats Nathaniel an inch from death and dumps him at the Palmetto Stadium/Wymack's/Abby's as a taunt and a promise to Kevin... and maybe he means to leave for the Nest once he heals up enough, but in the end Nathaniel always agrees to stay with the Foxes and works on getting Jean out through making a deal with the main family.

But what if he didn't stay?

Barely conscious Nathaniel gets dumped on Kevin's doorstep. Abby patches him up, gives him the good painkillers, leaves him to rest. When she comes back to check on him later, the little fucker is gone with the wind. Along with the bathroom first aid kit and Kevin's vodka supply.

Three days later, Nathaniel is back, in an even worse shape. Abby patches him up (again), dopes him up with as much painkillers as she dares, and lets Kevin and Andrew guard the kid. This time they manage to keep Nathaniel until breakfast. They look away once (1), and he's gone, along with a bag of oranges and Kevin's vodka supply.

This is the beginning of a cycle.

Nobody knows what to think about this. Nobody knows what is going on. Why is Riko so set on sending the Butcher's son to Palmetto? Why is Tsetsuji letting him? Is it some sort of ploy? And since Nathaniel is clearly not cooperating, why not just kill him already?

Kevin is having a continuous mental breakdown. Andrew is fascinated, annoyed, stabby. Nicky is Nicky. Aaron fixes Nathaniel's stitches while narrating how he will suffocate him with a pillow in the night. Wymack wants to get black out drunk, this is so above his pay grade.

Nathaniel explains a little bit over time, though not much sonce he doesn't really know either. Power dynamics shifted after Kevin left, though it's difficult to say how? Riko isn't allowed to kill or long-term cripple any more players for sure tho or Nathaniel would have been dead five times over by now. Not allowing him to play with Ravens, and not sharing his stats with other colleges, Riko might be trying to kill Nathaniel indirectly by making him unprofitable and therefore useless to the Family. It might be for the best to contact his British family and flee the States.

Nathaniel refuses to leave Jean though. He keeps breaking back inside the Nest, living in all the hidden nooks and crannies like a creepy crawlie, coming out at night to care for his partner. Some backliners suffer tragic (if nonlethal) tripped-down-the-stairs accidents. There is a rumour going around that Nathaniel died and his ghost haunts the place like an especially vengeful spirit.

Every time the security catches him they rough him up and kick him out. He goes to Palmetto since he already knows Abby can fix him up without getting the police or mafias involved, takes a big nap, and hauls ass back to Edgar Allen. It becomes such a routine that Nathaniel knows which security guards will beat him up for real and which will only slap him around a little for appearance's sake. Meaning he's getting hurt a whole lot less. He still returns to Palmetto each time, because Abby's cooking is very good and Wymack is gruff but not scary and the Monsters are assholes but they never hurt him just for fun.

Janie Smalls attempts suicide, Couch Wymack has an empty slot he desperately needs to fill and no time to scout players. Nathaniel needs a college team if he wants to live past the start of the school year. It works out.

Nathaniel still makes the trip to see Jean more often than humanely possible. He's there when Renee and Stephanie storm castle Evermore.

At the end of the series when the FBI tries to strongarm Nathaniel into Witness Protection he's just as annoying as in canon but says ok. The very next week he shows up at Plametto like Sup everypony I need a new jersey

[mountainclimbingnerdynurse]

Since tgr is coming out next week, here's some long random thoughts I have:

-Jean only has a driver's licence so he could travel on away games. Tetsuji took/ locked away Jean's passport when he arrived in the US, but he needed government ID to fly for away games. It is given to Ichirou with the new deal. The perfect court were never taught any other life skills, so I don't see why they would've been taught to drive if they weren't taught to cook.

-When he starts traveling to away games with the Trojans, they find it odd that he doesn't have a passport. This finally leads them to a Google search that leads to a human trafficking page. Then they realize Jean ticks off most of the boxes (name change, no passport, forbidden interaction with the public, forbidden language, deferring to another (Tetsuji and Riko when he was a Raven), physical wounds/ scarring, etc). (I also imagine Jean to have a Moriyama brand on his heel where no one can see who didn't know to look there. . .)

-Jean is 100% an exy prodigy. Tetsuji wouldn't've just bought some random kid from a foreign country. Jean must've been incredible to catch his eye and make the money and the fuss of international adoptions worth it. And that was him as an untrained child. With the training from the Ravens, he's one of the best players in the game. When he plays healthy, unhurt, and supported with the Trojans, I think he's the best in the game. I'd love to see him easily scoring from the backline. It becomes a trademarked move that no one else can pull off. The ERC has to have special meetings at the end of the season to assess if they should alter the official rulebook to forbid backliners from scoring. (They don't.)

-I can't remember who first posted the idea, but I do think that Jean's father sex trafficked him as a child. (One doesn't jump straight to selling their kids to the mafia without building up to it first). Riko finds out and is upset that Jean is 'used goods'. This is what Jean is begging forgiveness for when Riko sends him into the other Raven's beds. (Also for looking at Kevin in the changeroom, obvs)

-Jeremy is just a normal dude with normal dude problems. He isn't allowed out during the week. Maybe his big scandal is just that he's not that academically inclined. If he was into drugs or hard-core partying, he wouldn't be allowed out on the weekends. Maybe he was on academic probation, or maybe his grades just weren't up to his parent's standards. At most there was a sex scandal in his first year when he was in first year and exploring his sexuality, resulting in the 'floozies' jokes. His mum and stepfamily are definitely homophobic, though.

-Elodie's death occurred at vaguely the same time as Jean's first suicide attempt. When he learns this, Jean blames himself for her death. He believes that because he 'forgot his place' and tried to escape his fate as a Moreau, Elodie was punished for it.

-Jean will attempt suicide in tgr. Nora said she'd drag Jean back to life, no matter how much he didn't want it. She also said tgr is sadder than tsc. It will happen for one of two reasons. 1) he's too low now. Being with the Trojans shows him that he is a person and he can decide his own fate. Kevin and Riko don't get to tell him when to live or die. Maybe he realizes that he didn't deserve everything he's been through, and feels trapped by the deal with Ichirou. 2) he makes an infraction against his addendum to his contract with the Trojans. Maybe he is rude to a reporter. Maybe he gets a yellow card (I don't really want any red cards. . .). Either way, he feels like his contract is void and that he'll be kicked off the team, and therefore his life is forfeit, so he decides to beat Ichirou to the punch.

-If that does happen, and if Jeremy does have a sibling who committed suicide, he's the one to find Jean. But Jeremy freezes and panics, and it's up to someone else to call EMS/ provide first aid. And then neither Jean nor Jeremy are in positions to help eachother through the aftermath. Cat and Laila carry them both.

-If Jean acquires a new hobby (other than pottery, cooking, and motorbikes), it should be gardening. That boy clearly loves the outdoors, and appreciates life. He should get to grow some pretty flowers, and enjoy the soil beneath his nails and the sin on his skin.

-The Ravens blame Jean 1000% for their downfall. This results in death threats/ mean letters from Ravens fans. At the regular season Ravens v Trojans, they injure Jean to the point of hospitalization (he plays throught the match and it isn't until a few days later that the team realizes something is wrong. This is when the Trojans realize Jean can't be trusted regarding his health status, and that he was playing every game as a Raven injured). At the championship game, it results in straight up attempted murder. (The Ravens still get knocked out in the early rounds) (I'm not the same as I was by perchancetosleep is probably my favourite fic ever, and goes along with this idea)

-I don't really love the idea of us knowing the person Ichirou is engaged to. However, someone posted that they thought maybe it was Elodie. I don't love that, nor do I think a Moriyama would marry property. However, he might marry someone with more influence, say, a Senator's daughter. If Ichirou marries someone we've already been introduced to, I could see it being Annalise. Because of their slightly estranged relationship, Jeremy had never met his future brother-in-law, and was seeing him for the first time on TV. I don't really think this could nor should happen, but it would make for some very interesting family get-togethers when all the ?Knoxes bring their plus ones. . . (Obviously Jean goes with Jeremy)

-my random headcanon: Jean only really heard other team's fight songs in his time as a Raven. He doesn't understand the floozies' love of TV, but he gets really into music. When he's happy, he sings softly to himself.

[ninyard]

Heyy! You said someone should ask you about Kevin under this post about Kevin's struggles from the nest of which we don't know enough... So I'm asking you about Kevin! Please tell us your Kevin thoughts! You always make very good points and I like reading your thoughts!!

cody my friend I am so glad you asked but you might regret it. i hope you're prepared from an unorganised huge convoluted MESS of a ramble

i've been thinking for a few days about this one like... what would a kevin POV look like? what is he hiding? how does he cope? WHO IS HE?

the kevin we ""know"" is a "coward", an insufferable bitch, an asshole and a hardass. other people's opinions and view of him makes up the entirety of our impression of who he is. but that's not who he is. that's just who we're supposed to believe he is.

kevin, born and bred to have this... borderline psychopathic lack of empathy, who can look his teammates in the eye after being told seth is dead or andrew is being committed and say, "what about the game?"

but when the raven's are switching districts; his sense of danger and fear is paralysing. he's three steps ahead trying to figure out how to please riko, how to keep himself safe, willing to put himself back into the centre of his abuse just to stop riko from finding him and killing him. he has to get blackout drunk to deal with any amount of riko. he's frozen with fear by being in the same room as him.

kevin knows where jean's mind and body goes to when hes panicking, knowing his worst place is right back in the nest being drowned by riko. kevin telling neil "do you know what he'll do to you?" and "he'll break you" when neil asks for his ticket. kevin's text to him before he goes into the nest, and staring at neil like he'd seen a ghost when neil returns after the nest (when he looks like the butcher). his comforting "i know what he's like" or "i know how he sees you, i know it means he did not hold back,".

kevin nervous breakdown panic attack day vs kevin smile for the cameras one track exy mind day

im so intrigued by him. how does he cope? his mother is dead, probably killed by the mafia family he was raised by. he grew up into a cult, he was only a child watching neil's father cut a man into pieces in front of him. how many other's had he seen?

how many other injuries cover his body, in places where the cameras can't see? how many rapes and assaults was he forced to watch in the nest? how many beatings was he forced to participate in? what did he have to say to jean in french that he didn't want riko to hear?

he needs someone with him all the time because of the nest. he's a "health freak" because of the nest. his sleep schedule, his anger, his anxiety.

did he say "what about the season?" re: andrew after drake because he doesn't care, or did he think "i've seen this happen too many times. and they've always kept playing,"? did he think "andrew is the strongest person i know. andrew is stronger than me. he would never let this destroy him," knowing that it has?

nobody has protected him in his life apart from the cameras and andrew.

he's scared. he doesn't know what love is supposed to look like.

he's only been a human for a year.

his scars are healing for the first time in his life and they're not being replaced by new ones, but every day he's afraid that that's going to get ripped out from underneath him. his entire life already got flipped upside down when he left the nest. of course exy is the only thing he "cares" about.

because it's the only thing that's been certain in his life, and even for those few weeks or months where he thought he would never play again, he trained and trained, and learned how to use his non-dominant hand because he can't lose this. he can't lose exy like he's lost everything else.

kevin has never had anything stable in his life except for violence and exy. now he has people he's supposed to care about, and he has to change his priorities. he has to learn how live a life that isn't fueled by self-preservation for the first time ever.

jean was only in the nest for five years; and look at him. look at what the nest has done to his social skills, his view of himself, his self esteem. look at what it's done to him, how he expects violence and contrition, coach and always waiting and waiting and waiting for the punishment to come.

kevin might not have had the same level of physical abuse that jean had, but he was there far longer. the ravens existed before him; their mindset and their abuse and their violence and their poison.

he's been drinking the raven poison since his childhood. the only difference between him and jean other than those things above is that kevin had more pressure to hide it, because he was half of the face of the ravens, half of the face of Exy; media trained or PR trained or a master at being a fraud and faking the way he speaks when he's being recorded.

kevin knows how to hide his abuse because he has always had to, and he's had quite a lot of practice at it.

kevin has only been a human for a year. kevin has only been kevin for a year.

so who is he? does he even know?

or is he just Kevin Day, Raven Fox starting striker, number two, six foot two, left handed right handed left handed, heavy racquet, stick size five? is that all he will ever see himself as?

anyways. or something like that. maybe he is just an insufferable bitch for no reason at all. who knows!

[mykennaleigh1]

The fact that Neil Josten canonically knows at least six languages is actually insane so here's my thoughts on all of them :)

English- English was his first language he learned (obvi). He grew up in Baltimore (hey im from MD too!!) so he pronounces words a little funny, like water as wad-der, and so on. Mostly soft t's and r's. Sometimes, he has a hint of a British tilt to some of his words, just bc of his proximity to Mary.

Japanese- I like to think that he learned a bit of Japanese in his father's house. This is his second oldest language, but it's also his second-least proficient. He never really had a reason to use it unless he was insulting Riko or talking to Ichirou. I like to imagine that he wants to improve his skills now that he has the time, so he watches anime in the background while he studies.

German- He learned German on the run, as we all know. He and his mom spent the first few years in Europe while his dad was still actively looking for them, and they bounced around from country to country for a while. I think he considers this his "second" language just bc it's the one he spent the most time using and practicing.

French- I love that he's canonically bad at French accents. He most definitely picked up French while he was bouncing around Europe, but like Japanese, he's not great at it. He got beat by his mom a lot for messing up the accents, and he could never quite grasp them. I mean, he got better for the sake of his own survival, but now that Mary's gone he can chill out a bit on perfect pronunciation. He considers French to be his "third" language, even tho the accent sucks.

Spanish- He knows a bit of Spanish from his time circulating the southern US. This is definitely the language he knows the least of. He can hold a slow conversation, but when Nicky starts to get ramble-y during their practice sessions he has to call it quits before he gets frustrated. (he still practices on his own bc even tho he doesn't have to run anymore, he wants Nicky to have a piece of home)

Russian- This is the last language he ever tries to learn. Him and Andrew pick it up fast, but they do it in such an ass-backwards way that they sort of suck at it. They 1000% just sub in German words when they don't know it in Russian and their accents are all off bc they don't have anyone around them to base off of. They both have like "second year of high school foreign language" level of proficiency but they both think they are great at it. Neil considers it his "fourth" language, when in reality he sucks.

[karmacharmeleon18]

"Jean got brother-zoned by Kevin haha"

Tell me you don't understand Jean Moreau without telling me

Jean doesn't care about being "brother-zoned"

He doesn't care about being "friend-zoned"

He doesn't care.

He doesn't care because in his mind, Kevin was never a real possibility

Kevin was just a silly teenage crush, a pretty face he was attracted to

Kevin was a short, stupid dream while he was trapped in a nightmare

And then that dream got him in trouble

Stood silent and looked away while he was being tortured

Betrayed him

Run away

Abandoned him to be killed

"Jean only had a moment to seethe."

JEAN WAS SEETHING

Because how fucking dare Kevin call him his brother after all that happened between them?

How dare he put Jean on the same level as his abuser?

But above all, how dare Kevin be such a hypocrite and pretend to care so much for Jean?

Jean cannot stand hypocrisy. That's why he tears into Exy-obsessed, health-freak Kevin for drinking alcohol. Because after years and years, nothing has really changed, has it? The rules only apply to Jean, to property. Kevin gets to nag and boss people around like he's always done, preaching virtue but practicing vice. And if you call him out, you are the bad guy.

Jean literally wishes Kevin was dead. And yes, part of it is because of his own suicidal thoughts. But another part of it is because he hates Kevin.

He hates what Kevin represents. He hates what Kevin reminds him of. He hates the physical attraction he felt for him, because that was the weakness that almost got him killed several times.

People hate Thea but honestly? I think she's the only type of person Kevin can be with. Exy obsessed, Raven-worshipping, uncaring of people's feelings in general, but especially if Exy is involved.

Years ago I read Nora's extra content and was hoping this new trilogy would make me change my mind about Kevin. But honestly? If before I felt pity for him, now I actually dislike him. Years ago I disliked Thea and I still do, but now I think they belong together 🤷🏾‍♀️

I'm begging people to please try to look at this from Jean's point of view:

Kevin is a hypocrite, he doesn't practice what he preaches, he gives everyone a hard time but gods forbid if you criticize him for behaving in even worse ways.

Yes, Kevin was a victim as well. But he was never property. He was family. As fucked up as that it when the Moriyamas are involved.

If Riko never shattered his hand, Kevin would still be a Raven. He would get to play Exy, have a glorious if short career, charm journalists in front of a camera, maybe train new generations of Ravens in the future. He would get everything he wants.

And he would keep turning a blind eye to the abuse in the Nest. Because denouncing abuse doesn't serve him. Doesn't serve his goal to become an Exy legend. As long as that abuse is not directed at him, no foul.

The torture, waterboarding, beatings, rapes, injuries that he saw other Ravens (but especially Jean as property) endure didn't touch him.

Only when his Exy career was put at risk he snapped out of it. And what did he do? He abandoned Jean to get killed by Riko's wrath.

This is what Jean sees.

That is not a brother.

Especially when Jean, as an older brother, would do anything, give anything, to get Elodie back, to go back in time and protect her.

"Jean got brother-zoned" Take your Kevin-colored glasses off and get a grip