#how about you kill yourself
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I spoke too soon I should have known that was too easy for him I’m so tired I was like hey! I might have found someone interested in subleasing, if they end up not wanting to ill start making posts places but either way, ill need a move in date to advertise and tell people. Do you have any estimates of when you might find a place yet?
And my fucking roommate replies with a bunch of links to apartments like well you could move HERE like fuck you fuck you fuck you jackass this wasn’t what we agreed on and also 90% of the places he sent me were places I already contacted and had no availability/a waitlist/couldn’t sign until august and the other 10% were WAY out of my price range also none of this solves that I don’t want to sign a new fucking lease cuz I want out of this fucking fuck ass city between you and your bf you make almost TRIPLE what I do you will have such an easier time finding a new place and moving plus you wanna stay in this stupid fucking fuck ass city just fucking GET OUT
#i am genuinely starting to hate this dipshit#I get moving sucks!#but also this is all YOUR fault so YOU should get the shittier end of the deal sorry not sorry#also me living on my own means I will go from about 600 dollars of extra income s month#to about 200 to fucking ZERO depending on what the rent is#how about you kill yourself#‘I’m not trying to make this harder for you’#you are actively fucking me over in sooooo many fucking ways dude because you are incapable of considering other human beings#he also has less bills than me?????#like motherfucker doesn’t even have a car payment cuz his mom GAVE him a car be fucking for real#he’s spent his whole life pretty much kinda jusy doing whatever he wants and getting whatever he wants#and it’s reallyyyyyyy starting to fucking show with this situation#GOD#I told him that doesn’t work for me and explained why to him AGAIN#and he has no answered so lol we’ll see#he was also like ‘but you’ll still have to live with someone you don’t know and you didn’t want that 🥺🥺’#like oh my god#yeah in an ideal world! no! I wouldn’t be doing that#but the issue wasn’t literally living with some guy I don’t know#it was being walked all over and treated like shit and not considered#nor was I asked about it lol like now I’m seeking a new roommate I was never doing that when you moved him in so I wasn’t prepared for it#fuck you for all of a sudden acting like you care about what’s ‘best for me’#and that it’s living alone when it quite literally fucking isn’t for so many reasons#you just don’t wanna fucking move and are scrambling now that I’m actually enforcing this#kysssssssssssss#kaz rambles
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I think one of the biggest tragedies of Laios & Falin and their relationship is how much his actions impact her life. But like. Specifically how much they WOULDN’T impact her life as much if they weren’t both stuck in such a shitty abusive situation.
This part of the Falin-tries-makeup daydream hour comic is what got me thinking about it again because truly it just... it seems like such a like an offhand comment that I'm sure Laios didn't mean to be cruel or anything. That's just like. A little kid not thinking about what they are saying. ESPECIALLY when the kid in question is Laios.
But man they depended on each other SO much as kids. Too much. It really feels like they didn't have any other source of positive reinforcement, or anyone else to share themselves with. So of course an offhand comment like that has a huge impact on Falin.
Or this little bit from one of the flashbacks:
This tears me apart. Do you think it tears him apart to think about? I think it does. I think Laios holds every small failure to care for Falin against himself.
And then there's the Bigger stuff. The way that him coping with his own trauma ended up impacting her.
Like his interest in monsters. Like him going to find a ghost, and accidentally revealing Falin's magic to the whole village in the process.
Like him needing to leave. And leaving her behind.
He shaped her life so much, and he carries so much guilt for it. And again, there should have been other people there to help. The same things that made Laios need to leave home are the things that made his leaving so hard on Falin. She ate alone after that. She shouldn't have had to eat alone just because Laios wasn't there.
She was 9 when he left for school, and he was 11.
Nine. And Laios feels like he failed her because he didn't stand by her through this better. As an eleven year old.
Both of these kids deserved so much better from the world.
#dunmeshi analysis#dungeon meshi#delicious in dungeon#falin touden#laios touden#dungeon meshi spoilers#AND this isn't even getting into her leaving the academy & how much it seems like that was directly tied to how poorly he was doing#there's a comic in the adventurer's bible where marcille is like 'yeah she had a job lined up and everything'#and like. do you think he feels bad for that too#like he wrecked her life by leaving#and wrecked her life by showing up#what do you even do at that point. if you feel like a failed protector when you are away & and a burden when you return#unable to make yourself accept. unable to make yourself resist#Laios strongest moment is when he lets himself accept that. the contradiction of his life & his relationship with Falin#that he has to kill her to save her#as a small note this came out a little more focused on Laios' POV with this stuff but Falin's experience of it is v important to me too#didn't mean to sideline her but her feelings about stuff are more speculative and probably need a post of their own
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Homer!Odysseus and Epic!Odysseus would try to kill each other if they ever met
#Homer!Odysseus: you sacrificed your men to save yourself? Detestable coward! How I wish I was never born if it would ensure you had not the#Epic!Odysseus: you’d understand if you *loved your wife.* But I guess a guy who stayed with Circe for a year wouldn’t know that!#H!Odysseus: do not speak of things you know nothing about! I long for my return to sweet Penelope but I have a duty to my men#E!Odysseus: A YEAR. A WHOLE YEAR. I WOULD KILL ANYTHING AND ANYONE TO GET A HOME A YEAR FASTER#H!Odysseus: that was clear when you served Scylla six men like they were cattle!#E!Odysseus: it was them or me! And don’t keep talking about my friends like you did any better. you’ll go home alone too#H!Odysseus: they doomed themselves when they ate Hyperion’s golden cattle. I am not responsible for their suffering. But you could have ens#H!Odysseus: Now Eurylochus’s body lies at the bottom of the sea where there can be no burial and no honour#E!Odysseus: AND I’LL GO HOME TO MY WIFE. MY BEAUTIFUL PERFECT LOVELY LOYAL WIFE WHO’S BEEN WAITING FOR ME FOR TWENTY YEARS.#E!Odysseus: and when I go home and she asks if I came back as fast as I could I’ll be able to answer honestly#H!Odysseus: WE HAD BEEN THROUGH MANY TRIALS. THE MEN NEEDED TO REST#E!Odysseus: FOR A YEAR???? DID THEY NEED TO REST FOR A YEAR??? AND DID THEY NEED THAT REST RIGHT AFTER A MONTH’S LONG REST WITH AEOLUS??? S#H!Odysseus: IF YOU WISHED FOR ITHACA SO DESPERATELY WHY DIDN’T YOU OBEY PALLAS ATHENA AND KILL THE CYCLOPS#E!Odysseus: *drawing sword* I WAS HAVING A ROUGH DAY#Epic the musical#Epic odysseus#The odyssey#odysseus#Homer#Greek mythology#Jorge rivera-herrans#nuclear war speaks
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man you all were not kidding abt the therapyspeak in veilguard.
#cant believe taash stops themselves from calling emmrich a skullfucker#i shouldve been allowed to encourage that behavior. honestly. consequnces be damned#if you say you saw this coming they both get irritated that you didn’t say something ahead of time????#why is your relationship my responsibility. we have bigger things to worry about#datv critical#& honestly why is it so important everyone gets along. that isn’t really necessary#and it’s boring frankly#much more interesting to travel with two people who openly hate each other but agree to follow you#bc they care about either the mc or the quest they’re on#can you imagine how bad da2 wouldve been if you couldve been like#okay deep breaths fenris. tell me what you’re feeling right now#and instead of telling you to kill yourself he was like#‘you’re right hawke. im letting my trauma get in the way of a beautiful friendship with anders’#‘lets agree to just not talk about mages and templars’#probably not a great comparison bc tassh & emmrich’s disagreements dont have much to do with the main plot#but then like even more reason for it not to matter either way.#also why are we glossing over the necromancy stuff#why is the solution like ‘this is an uncomfortable topic so we just won’t discuss it anymore’#they could be having a rly interesting disagreement about the ethics of all this#but they cant because everyone in veilguard has to be Best Friends for some reason#da
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you know what. i actually love that trying to talk to solas was the last thing varric did and it ended in complete failure. especially if you put it in the context of his feelings about anders. varric was so bitter every time he mentioned him because he could not stop him. he didn't even realize that anders was up to something and when it was too late he started to think of him as of someone who destroyed that fragile peace in kirkwall that actually never existed.
it adds layers to the way he felt about solas. he believed that time he could stop a friend who simply lost his way. because varric tethras can talk anyone out of anything, can't he? anders was just too dodgy and self-centred and cut everyone off just like solas did but this time varric is completely prepared. surely. absolutely.
he could have never talked anders out of it even if he had known what was coming. he could have never talked solas out of it either. anders was a desperate person standing against (as varric himself put it) forces he couldn't possibly defeat. solas was a god standing against a couple of mortals and his own conscience buried under his guilt and regrets. being a good friend would not stop meredith's oppression. being a good friend would not stop someone who fears so much that all of the atrocities he committed were for nothing and would mean nothing at the end. varric died because he didn't realize it. he died and left his second in command with an immense guilt because they believed he knew solas enough to pull that off and there's something tragic about it
#I love that anders-solas parallel. and can't shut up about it#oh to be so good at talking your way through anyting you convince yourself it's the only skill you need#and then lose one friend because you couldn't talk them out of it. you didn't have a chance really. otherwise it might've worked out#and then there's another friend who's up to some wild shit. but this time you know. this time you'll have a chance#because you had friends both among templars and mages in kirkwall. it should mean something. you know how to make everyone happy#unfortunately. you're not good at understanding that some people are not like you#that for some people there are things that matter more than you and your friendship. and they will not stop.#ah varric. your ability to make friends everywhere made so much things happen but also got you killed#I'm not comparing anders' and solas' causes btw. it's about how varric feels about his friends reaching the point of no return#varric tethras#anders#solas#dragon age#dragon age spoilers#veilguard spoilers#datv spoilers#dragon age the veilguard spoilers
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("Always. Continuously. With increasing apprehension, and decreasing hope. I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you every Tuesday. I will love you as a corpse loves the beak of the vulture. I will love you no matter what happens to you, and no matter how I discover what happens to you, and no matter what happens to me as I discover this." -- paraphrased from The Beatrice Letters, Lemony Snicket)
#svsss#bingqiu#luo binghe#shen qingqiu#lbh#sqq#i've been working through the series of unfortunate events and somehow that series has paired really nicely with svsss#the themes of cycling violence and what's justified and what isn't and what can possibly be done differently#and how trying to bring love and honour into the midst of it really changes nothing but also changes everything#it's just *chef's kiss*#i don't know how i can quite do my thoughts justice but i've spent the past few weeks quietly going between the two series (and mdzs and tg#as well if we're being honest they all hit similar questions and themes) and just reveling in the pain and ambiguity of it#everything is interconnected and it means you can never know what trauma and pain and necessity has shaped a person#each story goes too far back to ever ever EVER possibly see the full extent of it#at that level even communication itself is nearly impossible.#and because of that it's almost impossible to change anything. beat yourself apart and the outcome is the same#and yet ATTEMPTING to change things ATTEMPTING to do the kind thing the honourable thing is absolutely critical#because while you can change nothing you also have the capacity to change EVERYTHING#aaaaaaah i don't even know what i'm saying#but i read the beatrice letters today and the love letter just. killed me.#(obviously i cherrypicked some lines because it's three pages long but those ones felt right)#''i love you like a corpse loves a vulture's beak'' i just. can't get over that line.#to be completely changed. altered. destroyed. redeemed. purified. desecrated. reduced to nothing yet entirely necessary for another's life.#what a FUCKING line#anyway i was either going to blow up from thinking about it or else i had to exorcise it via art from an entirely different series#i've already done svsss and discworld why not throw a series of unfortunate events into the mix#i'll be honest folks i did not expect svsss to be the mxtx series that would fuck me up the most about the main ship#bingqiu is something else. i don't even know how to begin to approach my feelings on it. impossibility and necessity all at once#bizarre#my art
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kacchan telling izuku that his body moved on his own is fucking crazy. like not only did kacchan remember izuku saying that all the way back from the sludge-villain incident but he’s also confirming that izuku’s crazy, boarder-line suicidal intensity is a two way street. it’s not just izuku who is insane about kacchan it’s mutual insanity. kacchan’s body moved on its own. he was helpless but to throw himself into the line of fire when he saw izuku was in danger. he didn’t think about it. he didn’t choose to do it. he didn’t have a choice. it was as if izuku was a piece of his own soul. katsuki instinctually needed to protect him above all else, even at the cost of his own life
#AND HE SAID IT OUT LOUD IN THE RAIN IN FRONT OF EVERYONE#bkdk#bakudeku#hey man just casually checking in uh I would die for you and not even think about it#you know how you almost kill yourself for me that’s like Mutual I guess idk what are we#do I tell my mom do I update my hinge profile#like izuku knows he’s weird about kacchan he knows he isn’t normal about him#and he ONLY threw himself into sludge villain incident when he saw it was kacchan.#and THEN his body moved on its own#and kacchan is the ONLY ONE who saw just how in danger izuku was#AND THEN HIS BODY MOVES ON ITS OWN#his body unlocks a new ability just to get to him faster#they’re just so deeply spiritually and physically connected and it’s MUTUAL
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this june lets celebrate bearded women. okay?
#OKAY???#self love post#this is for mtf or ftm nonbinary folks or whoever else!!!#being allowed to exist is pretty cool but people give me looks every day#so there needs to be more of us#grow that beard out increase our numbers#with YOUR help women can be hairy again 🫵#a conversation that needs careful navigation in the trans community for me is about how some binary stereotypes are embraced.#like HEY! ive been trying to kill that! what do you mean you need makeup to be a woman???#WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVE TO SHAVE#love yourselves my people we’re all built different on purpose#enjoy what you enjoy#but dont go enforcing the binary on yourself or others#in order to feel like you belong#do what you want because you want to#hope this makes sense#ily all
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I think this is one of my favorite lines from the Wraith route because of (imo) how much the meaning changes depending on if you got there via Spectre or Nightmare. For Spectre, it honestly strikes me as a genuine question. Why are you doing this to her? If you're on the Spectre route, you presumably already know the Narrator can't really be trusted, since you had to reject his reward to get here. What are you hoping to gain from continuing to hurt her? For Nightmare, it honestly just makes me sad. As the Shifting Mound describes her, "She desires only companionship, but the only thing she knows is how to hurt." This line feels like a plea from someone who genuinely doesn't understand why you keep rejecting her. She wants to be with you, but she just can't understand how to do that in a way which doesn't hurt you.
#at the risk of getting put on a list there is something tragic & relatable in nightmare#someone who desperately wants to make connections but just can't understand how#anyway wraith is one of my favorite princesses for stuff like this (and bc tragedy aside her route is a riot)#also im sorry if she doesn't say that line if you got there via nightmare#that's how i got her and i could've sworn she did? But i only found footage of her saying it in spectre#slay the princess#stp#stp wraith#the wraith#stp spectre#stp nightmare#side note archetypal/heart#(slash so i don't accidentally tag them)#pointed out on another post of mine that you get wraith via nightmare by killing her and via spectre by leaving her in the basement#in both cases its a rejection of her (rejection being one of wraith's main themes)#which makes me speculate on spectre's ch 3 (which i think we currently have very little info on?)#Trying to run from Nightmare should technically be a 'rejection' as well#but you get MOC from that (and from choosing to stay with her)#imo bc you're just repeating the same inaction which got you into this situation in the first place#you don't want to slay her. you don't want to set her free. So you just leave her there (again)#and so you get MOC where things have only gotten worse and you have no choice left. Because you chose *not* to take action again#So I wonder if spectre 3 will be a similar 'repeating your past mistakes' type of deal#i was skeptical about it coming from stabbing yourself while she possesses you or trying to crush her bones#but it does make sense with that in mind#im curious if it'll parallel MOC#except instead of having no choice but to free the princess you have no choice but to obey the narrator again#maybe you both end up stuck in the cabin forever again?#idk#sorry i probably should've put all of that tag in the post lmao
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i feel like some people r missing the tragedy of timebomb somewhat bc i've seen a few ppl say that ekko was only in love with powder in the alt universe and not jinx, and it's like.. first of all they are the same person. they are the same person in different circumstances. but secondly ekko seeing that good universe, i think, instilled in him the belief that fixing the problems in his universe was still possible, that peace between piltover and zaun was still possible, that jinx wasn't doomed or irredeemable. ppl highlight his selflessness in being able to leave the good universe behind, but i think a big part of WHY he left was bc of the hope he had for his world. that's why timebomb is so tragic to me! ekko returned with the drive to make everything right, strengthened by knowing it wasn't some unattainable out-of-reach goal. and he came so so so close but was still a little too late
#ekko#jinx#arcane#timebomb#arcane spoilers#just look at the lyrics to ma meilleure ennemie - they're about his feelings for /jinx/. his universe's jinx particularly#how she's his 'enemy' but he still loves her and would rather be together w her than apart#he gave up on her before and he wasn't going to let himself give up again#being transparent: my feelings behind this are def connected to my own philosophical/political beliefs lol#if i was in ekko's place i would also choose to go back to my universe. esp knowing there's even a sliver of a chance to make it better#it sometimes feels so hard to imagine a better world is possible but you still gotta kill the nihilistic side of you#because it's so much easier to give up and you can't let yourself do that
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I watched electric dreams finally !!!!!
It’s so good and odd but ohshdkebdkwbdhmehdh EDGARRR !!! EDGAR I LOVE YOUU !!!!!! ! ! ! ! YOU DESERVE BETTER !!!!!

When I saw the ending I SOBBED what the HELL,,,,,

#electric dreams#electric dreams edgar#edgar electric dreams#EDGARR I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUU8#wish there was more of him ….#just gonna blab about the movie here so uhhh#spoiler alert !! a!! eek!!!#watching the movie was so funny but also an entire rollercoaster#like#Madeline why are you just breaking in to moles house just because the door is open doesn’t mean you can go in ?????#probably just old fashioned stuff cause 1980’s but#moles how do you embarrass yourself SO BAD ????#multiple times in a row. constantly.#I feel bad almost but I don’t like him#stealing Edgar’s WORK#not even being nice to him what the hell what the hell#and then he DIES#me and my sister were talking about the alcohol making him sentient#and with the whole brain thing. maybe the alcohol is like a kind of electrical brain wires between the coponents? acting basically like one#though wouldn’t the alcohol evaportae eventually?#or is Edgar’s sentience permant#do I need to pour alchohol on him every once a while?#Edgar is such a perfect character#so nice and pleasant he can do no wrong#he tried to kill moles but I AGREE#HES SO RIGHT FOR THAT#there were so many good bits in this movie#like moles taking off his shirt like he was about to actually fist fight a literal computer good god#also would mole’s puzzel piece bricks have to be PERFECT bricks all the time in order to work?#what material would they be made of? is it durable?
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STOP DRAWING USOPP WITH PALE SKIN!!!!!
STOP DRAWING USOPP WITH WAVY HAIR!!!!!
AND FOR GOD’S SAKE STOP WITH THE MINSTREL LIPS!!!!!
#‘i love usopp!’ they say and proceed to draw him Wrong#if you think this is about you yes it is#one piece#usopp#sniper god usopp#op usopp#sogeking#i’m shaking with rage bro its every damn day#i don’t care for any excuses at this point i do not care#idc if you’ve never seen a black person irl there is no excuse to post whitewashed art on the same internet with info about why its BAD#‘drawing black people is hard’ KILL YOURSELF#coming into your house and beating you with a metal bat FUCKKKKKK YOU#how many fucking times do fans need to say this#i’ve made multiple posts like this in my 2ish years of being in this fandom i’m so sick and tired#this shit is exhausting i am so so so SICK of y’all#GODDDDDDD#you don’t deserve usopp if you won’t draw him properly FUCK YOUUUUUY
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seriously cut it out with the suicide shit you privileged insensitive fucks
#im sorry im mad about this#you cannot call yourself progressive in any way if your immediate reaction when the pressure gets put on you and you personally is to start#talking about how youre gonna kill yourself. millions of people in exponentially worse situations fight tooth and nail but as soon as the#chips are down all white middle class usamericans can do is talk about how theyre gonna blow their brains out#🫀
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Anybody else realize that it is news to Minthara to find out that Ketheric wasn't working alone? She knew about Orin this entire time, but still thought Ketheric to be the head of the Absolute. Obviously she knew Orin was involved with the Absolute and did something for them, but she didn't realize the extent of power Orin actually had. And I think it is pretty fascinating that Minthara "men are only useful for breeding" Baenre did not immediately presume that the woman was in charge or had any significant power in the Absolute.
Can you imagine how Minthara felt to find out that not only were Orin and Ketheric working together, but that they were equals? I think it only dawns on her how much danger she was in the entire time and just how little control she had over herself. She was made the personal plaything of one of the three prongs of the Absolute and was slowly being driven into the same kind of mad monster Orin was. So what would have happened to her if Ketheric fully claimed her like he had intended before Orin basically stole her? How much worse could Ketheric have done to her? Or was she only in her shit ass predicament, debased amongst goblin trash out of Ketheric's pettiness for Orin?
But like, she knows Orin is the Chosen of Bhaal so she already knows how powerful and dangerous she is. But it almost seems like after finding out Orin is Ketheric's equal, she kinda places her at the top of the hierarchy between the Chosen Three anyway and insists she is the most dangerous. By Menzoberranzan standards, she probably would see Orin as being the most deadly and dangerous. Because in her experience, the woman is the most powerful. Orin already did a lot of fucked up shit to her, but she realizes that Orin could have done so much worse.
It makes a bit more sense why Minthara's tone about Orin turns from rage to terror in between acts. She is the only character in the game that portrays Orin as a threat. Gortash, Sarevok, Fel - they all treat her like a joke, an annoyance, someone to roll your eyes at. But Orin has shown a side of herself to Minthara that others either don't see, or don't take seriously. Orin is cruel for cruelty's sake - she revels in the suffering she brings to others. Minthara has scars and nightmares left behind by Orin, and it ultimately meant nothing. No - Minthara's suffering empowered Orin. Chronologically, Orin probably got her hands on Minthara after taking out Durge and establishing herself as Bhaal's Chosen. She was on a winning streak. Minthara's torment was her celebration, her victory lap, a tool to establish herself as the true monster she wants to be seen as. Everyone in her life has overlooked her, so she created a victim who never will. A victim who is so paranoid, that she is constantly looking for Orin's presence everywhere she goes, because Orin could be anywhere... Orin could be anyone...
#bg3#baldur's gate 3#minthara#minthara baenre#evil murder kitten#orin#orin the red#yeah yeah the impersonations throughout the map are silly#but did you ever consider the fact that she is stalking you? and i don't know about you - but being stalked is not funny#she knows where you are at all times and who you are with#she is trying to toy with your emotions and probe your weaknesses - love pride self-righteousness cruelty mercy#and she does eventually figure you out and finds a way to try to force you to do what she wants by grabbing your companion#you may have gamed the system now - but i knew i was terrified the first time orin took lae'zel#cause i didnt know orin would do that!#and the lae'zel impersonation is especially cruel because orin could kill yenna (dont ask me how i know)#and in these impersonations - she attempts to goad you into turning on your companions#because you have good reason to do so cause your companion is turning dangerous#orin wants you to doubt yourself - to distrust your companions and your ability to read people's intentions#she wants you to be just as paranoid as her star victim
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some of you need to hate ai way more than you currently do
#i see so many tags like ‘this is ai :/ but its still cool!’ like how are you not absolutely filled with dread#how can you see what could be a beautiful image by an incredibly talented photographer-#realize it wasnt art created by a human and not immediately wanna kys#the very definition of art is HUMAN CREATION how the fuck can you stand shit with no meaning no talent no personality NOTHING#it gets fucking personal when the ai is of nature it makes me so fucking mad#mountains forests deserts oceans wildlife insects trees THERE IS SO MUCH OUT THERE AND SO MUCH YOU WILL NEVER SEE#AND BECAUSE OF THIS YOU DONT FUCKING QUESTION IF A PHOTO OF A WILD ANIMAL IS AI#YOU CANT SEE THE AI IN THE HANDS YOU CANT SEE IT IN THE ARCHITECTURE THERES NO HUMAN FLAWS TO POINT OUT#INSTEAD YOU JUST ACCEPT THAT ITS REAL BECAUSE WILDLIFE AND NATURE IS SO INCREDIBLE THAT IT DOESNT EVEN OCCUR TO YOU TO QUESTION IT#there are trees with trunks as big as houses!!!! we have only discovered 7% of the ocean!!!#nature is fucking insane and my favorite way to learn about it is through photography and i fucking HATE ai for taking that from me#GO OUTSIDE AND TAKE YOUR OWN PHOTOS OF WILDLIFE STOP FUCKING MAKING AI STOP REBLOGGING IT STOP STOP STOP#i did not make my entire college senior thesis a short film about birds of prey for you to make shitty bullshit ai images of an owl#kill yourself
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☆ de fontaine
{☆} characters furina {☆} notes cult au, imposter au, drabble, gender neutral reader {☆} warnings angst, suicidal thoughts, hurt / no comfort {☆} word count 1.4k
This wasn't fair. This wasn't fair. This wasn't fair!
She thought, for one moment, she could put the mask down and breathe – for one moment of daydreaming, she thought she could just be Furina. She thought she would finally get to live the live she should've had in the first place, the life she threw away to play God to an audience who saw her as nothing but a circus animal, dancing to their whims. Furina just wanted to be selfish for one brief and fleeting moment..and it was gone before she could even grasp it in her hand. A comet soaring past far out of her reach.
She can barely keep her hands from violently shaking as she looks down at them – broken and bloody and more a corpse then a person – and she feels so numb she can't even feel the rain pelting against her back. None of this is fair, she wants to scream, why is it always me? But her voice is silent beneath the torrent of rain. She wonders if the ocean would take her if she sank into it's depths – just for a moment, she wonders how it would feel to finally be able to sleep at ease.
Furina is tired.
But Furina is nothing if not useful, isn't she?
So she forces her feet to move, dragging against the stone beneath her heels, and drags their bloodied body into the nearest empty building, letting the rain do the work of washing away the smeared blood following her path. The smell makes her feel sick, the feeling of it sticking to her hands and gloves makes her lightheaded, but she persists. Because Furina is useful, because Furina won't let them die out in the rain, because Furina won't stand by and just let them rot on the streets like some..pest.
Furina wants to go home. She wants to sleep and she isn't she if she wants to wake up, this time. But she keeps going anyway.
Because it's all she's ever done, and the habit sticks.
An Archon she may not be, not anymore, but the expectations of five hundred years still linger like eyes on the inside of her skull. They watch her, pry and prod at her thoughts, mocking laughter and judging eyes following her as she forces herself to dance to the song they weave with glee. Furina never stepped off that stage – she's still there, she thinks, watching the crowd stare at her in disdain as the curtain call looms above her like a guillotine. She still hears Neuvillette deliver her damnation and salvation with a trembling voice, still feels her hair stand on end when electro crackled like the crack of the whip, Clorinde's blade aimed at her like a loaded gun.
She's trapped on that stage and she never left, not really.
She hates it. She thinks she hates them, but it's not their fault. They didn't ask for this, didn't ask for everyone to turn against them, didn't ask for her to save them. Neither did she..yet here they are, she thinks.
She tries to tell herself she's in control this time, though. She can stop performing her part in this horrible, bloody play any time she wants. It makes her feel better, just for a little while, if she convinces herself she's still Furina, painfully human.
And Furina has always been good at lying.
It's the believing that's the hard part.
There isn't time for her to wallow in her own self pity, though. They're still bleeding out onto the dusty, creaky floorboards of some random, broken down house and she's just standing there as the blood stains the wood. She can fix it – she's good at fixing things. She's done nothing but fix things – try to, anyway – for five hundred years. She can fix a little wound, how hard could it be? Her hands are clenched so tight they ache as she kneels down, wincing at the creak of the floorboards beneath her heels– she hesitates just long enough to wonder if she's making a mistake before she peels away just enough of the outer layer of their clothes to see the deep, bloody gash across their chest. She tries not to think about it – it's deep, too deep, and she feels dizzy just looking at it, but she's handled worse, right?
Furina can fix it. That's what she's good at.
She doesn't feel so confident when she tries to wrack her brain for..something. Five hundred years, and a little wound stumps her? No, she had to have learned something, right? She's decidedly not trying to buy time because she's panicking, parsing through hundreds of years of memories like flipping through a book. Furina isn't made for this, not really – she's running on nothing but adrenaline and she's really not sure what she's doing, but she's trying. And just like before, it won't be enough, will it?
She'll fall short again – she'll be too late to fix it before she's alone again.
Furina was an Archon..used to be. What use would she have for that sort of knowledge? Which makes her predicament all the more harrowing and bleak. What was she supposed to do?
Furina had heard it first hand, that vitriol in Neuvillette's voice. She isn't sure she's ever heard him that..angry before. She's not sure he would listen to her if she tried, either. And that scares her more then anything. All of Fontaine was up in arms about this..imposter, yet here she was, staring down at them bleeding out in front of her, and she was trying to save them.
Why? Why is she throwing away her only chance at normalcy for a fraud? Why didn't she just turn them in?
They were dying – that should've been a good thing, shouldn't it? So why didn't it feel like it?
"Why you?" Her voice breaks as she speaks in harsh tones, grabbing the front of their shirt in trembling, bloodied hands. "Why now?" She wants to scream, to demand answers they can't give, to claw back the reprieve she was promised after five hundred years of agony..and all she can do is sob into their chest, pleading for an answer that will not come. "Why me?"
Silence is their answer, and it hangs heavy on her trembling shoulders as she cries.
Of course they don't, she thinks bitterly, no one has ever answered her pleas spoken in hushed sobs. Not her other self and certainly not them.
Furina has always been alone. Furina will always be alone.
Because Furina never left that stage, never left that moment when she looked at herself in the mirror and took up a mantle too heavy for her to bear. She always finds her way back eventually. There's no one on the other side anymore – she stands alone on a stage, waiting for an inevitable end she isn't sure will come.
"Please," She pleads through tears and choked sobs, clinging to them like they are all that keeps her from sinking. "Please don't leave me, too." The words burn on her tongue – how pathetic is she that she craves companionship from the bloodied body of the imposter? Perhaps she's truly lost her mind after all these years..perhaps she's finally gone mad. She must have.
But their presence is like the first feeling of gentle warmth upon her skin as the sun crests the horizon, like the gentle lap of tides along her heels, the sway of branches and leaves as the wind blows through them like an instrument all it's own. They are the soothing sound of rain against the window as she watches the dreary skies in fond longing, the first bloom of spring as color blooms upon the landscape like paint had been spilled across the hills and valleys.
They are like the faint spark she carefully nurtures and stokes, so fragile even the smallest wind could blow it out like a candle. She cradles it within her palms, pleads with whoever will listen – prays that someone finally listens, because if not for her, then for them.
She's failed to protect too much already, let too many people with so much trust in her fall between the cracks of her fingers like grains of sand. She won't let them go – she can't.
If nothing else, if she couldn't be saved when she begged for salvation from that five hundred year long agony, even if she never got that chance..
Furina will make sure they do.
#sagau#genshin sagau#self aware genshin#genshin impact sagau#self aware genshin impact#genshin cult au#genshin impact cult au#fic tag#furina#so um. looks around. okay look. i know im like THE ts@r1ts@ dealer (censored so it doesnt show in tags. hopefully)#but the moment i saw furi in fontaine the day it released she became my fav even more then the tsaritsa SORRY SHES SO..#this is my love letter 2 furi (making her suffer unimaginable horrors)#open ended kinda in case i decide on making a sequel maybe#furi makes me feel cuteness aggression so bad i start acting like a rabid animal#furina the woman that you are. thats my girlprince meow meow id kill someone for her#playing her part as archon so well but being so horribly irrefutably human in every way..#five hundred years not even knowing what the real plan was. when it would end. knowing if she slipped up it was over.#and in the end almost no one knew what really happened. a select few people know the real weight of her sacrifice.#furina's story was always a tragedy. it was never going to be anything but a tragedy.#and thats one of the most tragic parts of it isnt it? she didnt know how itd end. she didnt know her story was always going to be a tragedy#furina never knew a thing. and still she did it for the people of fontaine and succeeded.#how do you define “yourself” when you havent existed for 500 years?#to be so selflessly human you give up “yourself” to save people who will never know of your sacrifice.#sometimes i think about the confrontation on the stage and have a week long mental breakdown#sacrificing EVERYTHING for fontaine and still. still! the people closest to you turn on you.#heavy on clorinde. she was as close 2 furi as neuvi fight me on this. i bite.#her bodyguard and friend and she ends up staring down her blade wondering if this is it. she failed. she failed them all#because even when faced with the trial. with losing everything. she still thought only about fontaine. oh furina.#do you think she has nightmares. wonders if she was never meant to win this game of g-ds. that her story was always meant to be a tragedy?#do you think she still wonders if she was ever meant to have a chance at a happy ending? a doomed tragedy from beginning to end
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