#i almost cried while typing the one for briar

[speaking-riddlish]

I relate to so many of the EAH characters in so many different ways. Warning, very raw personal post under the cut as I discuss what characters I relate to and why.

I relate to Cedar. As an undiagnosed and late discovered Autistic, I relate. The isolating feeling that comes with being different. Being kept out of almost anyone's inner circle for things about your behavior that you can't help. Knowing you can't even blame them for not wanting to be your friend, that you're not owed anyone's friendship, and that being friends with you is hard bc of your disability. That being little consolation when the people who find your friendship is too hard is everyone. Wishing you could just be normal, just be complete, just be real. I relate to Cedar.

I relate to Blondie. Desperate for friendship. "If I act like we're already friends, then we'll wind up becoming friends, right?" Largely considered the annoying "friend" by those around you, the one people want to avoid. It stings. I relate to Blondie. (note, this and the previous one are kind of outdated now, bc I finally have some real friends, but for so long these were true and it still strikes a chord with me bc of that.)

I relate to Briar. I have a milk allergy with very severe digestive symptoms. Until a recent blood test we didn't know what was causing the symptoms and thought it was a chronic illness. It was bad, it caused a lot of pain and, relevant to this post, stole a lot of my time, time I'll never get back. I lost entire days, sometimes multiple days a week, sometimes over half of the week, to being stuck in the bathroom. I missed classes. I missed events. I missed meetings. I missed church. Friendships drifted as I went longer and longer without seeing them. I had to quit my job. I relate to Briar, to her existential fear of losing everyone and missing everything. Mine may not be because I was asleep, but I have lost a lot of time. For a while I thought that I would forever be stuck losing time like that, at that scale. I understand being afraid about how much of the future younare doomed to miss. I feel like it takes a certain subcategory of disabled to be able to look at this part of Briar and say "I've been there, I get it", but "I've been there, I get it." I relate to Briar.

I relate to Apple. I may disagree with her on what her stances are on the in-universe issues, but her emotional struggles that come from holding that stance while still caring about your loved ones, that I understand. To be worried about what may happen to those you care about, because you care about them, and because their life choices don't bode well for them if what you believe to be true is actually true, that struggle I get. The beliefs that cause this struggle may be very, very different for me than for her, but the struggle is the same. I've cried those tears. I relate to Apple.

I relate to Maddie. As an ADHDer, my train of thought often doesn't make sense to people, and growing up my mom kept telling me "if you do that in public, people are going to think you're a madwoman" like all the time with a bunch of little things I do. Sometimes uou just have to let go, be yourself and let people think you're mad. Handflap and bounce in that chair. Sing that song while you walk across campus. Bring out your fidgets in public. Let yourself be a little zaney. Let yourself be you. Also, secondary reason to relate, as a religious person who goes and does stuff when I think my God is telling me to do it, I often get the same reaction Maddie does when she takes the narrators advice. I tell people I think God told me to, and the response might as well be "she thinks she can talk to narrators 🙄". I relate to Maddie.

[foofygoldfish]

faith & alice for the ship meme 💋

General:

Rate the Ship -   Awful | Ew | No pics pls | I’m not comfortable | Alright | I like it! | Got Pics? | Let’s do it! | Why is this not getting more attention?! | The OTP to rule all other OTPs

How long will they last? - Till they die, pretty mucy

How quickly did/will they fall in love? - oh, very quickly - alice saw faith and pretty much instantly went oh

How was their first kiss? - 

Wedding:

Who proposed? - You know that one video of the two girls at the zoo proposing to each other at the same time? yeah, that happened with them, too.

Who is the best man/men?/ Who is the bridesmaid(s)? - oh I actually figured this out - for their first wedding, they didn’t have anyone, but for their second... a full list of the wedding party is at the end of this but their bridal parties: alice’s MoH is mary may, and her bridesmaids are hurk, hudson, grace, and claire. faith’s MoH is jane, and her bridesmaids are elizabeth, kim, and carolina! nick walks faith down the aisle, and alice’s uncle walks her.

Who did the most planning? - lol mary may. she was not happy that the two of them were happy with eloping.

Who stressed the most? - Both of them were nervous wrecks, honestly.

How fancy was the ceremony? - Back of a pickup truck | 2 | 3 | 4 | Normal Church Wedding | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Kate and William wish they were this big.

Who was specifically not invited to the wedding? - joseph and jake - john was only invited because he’s alice’s brother in law, and she was not happy about that...

Sex:

Who is on top? - Both of them, but usually alice

Who is the one to instigate things? - again, both of them, but usually alice - she’s always delighted when faith does, though

How healthy is their sex life? - Barely touch themselves let alone each other | 2 | 3 | 4 | Once a couple weeks, nothing overboard | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They are humping each other on the couch right now

How kinky are they? - Straight missionary with the lights off | 2 | 3 | 4 | Might try some butt stuff and toys | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Don’t go into the sex dungeon without a horse’s head

How long do they normally last? - Oh, they can go for a pretty long time - they can go quickly, but if they’re able to take their time? they’re very happy

Do they make sure each person gets an equal amount of orgasms? - absolutely. faith does like to spoil alice, though

How rough are they in bed? - Softer than a butterfly on the back of a bunny | 2 | 3 | 4 | The bed’s shaking and squeaking every time | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Their dirty talk is so vulgar it’d make Dwayne Johnson blush. Also, the wall’s so weak it could collapse the next time they do it.

How much cuddling/snuggling do they do? - No touching after sex | 2 | 3 | 4 | A little spooning at night, or on the couch, but not in public | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They snuggle and kiss more often than a teen couple on their fifth date to a pillow factory.

Children:

How many children will they have naturally? - Between the two of them? zero. with help from staci, alice has three - david, aria, and nicholas.

How many children will they adopt? - officially? four - carolina, claire, briar, and eloise. unofficially? anyone that passes through hope county, for any amount of time, that needs a home? they have one with them.

Who gets stuck with the most diapers? - faith, but when alice starts getting restless, she gets stuck on baby duty to keep her in prosperity.

Who is the stricter parent? - faith - she worries quite a bit more

Who stops the kid(s) from doing dangerous stunts after school? - faith - alice enables them, particularly claire slkfdj

Who remembers to pack the lunch(es)? - faith, but mostly because she’s the one who can be trusted in the kitchen lol

Who is the more loved parent? - i’m... not typing out each kids preferences lskdjf - they all love their moms a fairly equal amount, and they adore their uncle staci and aunt stella. however - alice is the one that lets them get away with more, and won’t automatically discourage them from doing stupid shit that she would absolutely do herself

Who is more likely to attend the PTA meetings? - in the no-bomb and no-cult aus... faith, because she is much more patient, and much better at bribing people with cookies

Who cried the most at graduation? - staci sdlkjf (and alice - faith keeps it together until they’re home)

Who is more likely to bail the child(ren) out of trouble with the law? - alice, but that’s just because of her connections lol

Cooking:

Who does the most cooking? - Faith, but mostly because Alice can’t be trusted with the stove.

Who is the most picky in their food choice? - Alice will eat a variety of foods, but she can be particular about how certain things (like mac n cheese...) are made

Who does the grocery shopping? - for the no-cult or no-bomb aus - either will do solo runs over to the general store if they need something small/common, but their big stock-up trips to the city are all-day trips that they take together. faith usually does the list, though

How often do they bake desserts? - faith stress bakes. there’s almost always cookies in the house.

Are they more of a meat lover or a salad eater? - faith slightly prefers veggies, but alice doesn’t care either way

Who is more likely to surprise the other(s) with an anniversary dinner? - alice, for a similar reason to chloe in my sherchlodine post - she doesn’t usually do the cooking. (to be fair - mary may helped her make the meal, alice just made it look nice lol)

Who is more likely to suggest going out? - alice - mostly because she’s so used to going to the spread eagle for food that it’s just... weird eating at home, y’know?

Who is more likely to burn the house down accidently while cooking? - alice.

Chores:

Who cleans the room? - they both will, though... see the next question lol

Who is really against chores? - alice isn’t against chores, but she tends to need to be persuaded

Who cleans up after the pets? - alice - faith loves the cats and boomer, she does, but if she doesn’t have to clean up poop? she’s not gonna.

Who is more likely to sweep everything under the rug? - ....alice.

Who stresses the most when guests are coming over? - alice, holy shit. she tells mary may it’s the one thing she inherited from her mom - the need for the house to be clean when there is company coming. faith tells her that nobody cares, particularly in the “canon” verse where it’s the literal apocalypse, but she can’t help it, she’s gotta.

Who found a dollar between the couch cushions while cleaning? - alice, but probably because she dropped something else between them - 

Misc:

Who takes the longer showers/baths? - alice, just because she usually touches up her hair when she takes a shower. though, for baths... faith usually tries to get alice to join her, which makes it take a while lol

Who takes the dog out for a walk? - alice, because faith refuses to pick up dog poo.

How often do they decorate the room/house for the holidays? - oh god alice goes all out, especially for halloween - her excuse for halloween is that it’s the day after her birthday, they have to let her decorate

What are their goals for the relationship? - ...stay alive?

Who is most likely to sleep till noon? - alice. she’s perfectly happy working night shift, honestly

Who plays the most pranks? - alice lmao - she doesn’t do them on faith that often though. she’s gotten a few too many 🥺 faces from faith....

[multiverseanimecrossover]

Black Clover: Fire Blood is DONE!

Welcome to the Misadventure Mission of Manliest Man Magna Swing! Join Magna, Luck, Sol and Kirsch as they get into a whole lot of trouble when a wild red haired princess runs away from home. Find out what happens next. 

While out on a Magic Knight mission as always; Magna and Luck walked in on a tea party, they were shocked to see bloodied corpses seated at the table while a trio of people consisted of an elder man, a young fellow and a young lady sitting at the end. “What the hell?!” Magna yelped. “Sir, you are troubling our guests and interfering with our fine dining.” The elder man scolded. “You call this ‘fine dining’? This is a massacre!” Magna protested. The young man smirked at him, “Why don’t you die and join the tea party?” He suggested. “All right!” Luck cheered. They were ready for battle but heard someone coming. “Eleazar! Lakeith! Tala! What the hell is going on here?” A voice called out. “Ah, Princess! We have interlopers, would you like to kill them for you?” The elder man name Eleazar asked. The girl had long red hair, her eyes green like emeralds and skin so fair with a bit of color to her. But her face lit up when she noticed Magna and Luck. “Oh my God~! You two are from the Black Bulls Squad, aren’t you?” The red haired girl squealed. This shocked the trio. “The Black Bulls?” Eleazar inquired. “You gotta be kidding me!” The young man name Lakeith cried. “What…?” The young lady name Tala asked. “You heard about us?” Magna asked. “Indeed, we heard you came in second place at the Stars Festival. Congratulations.” Eleazar said. Magna and Luck were ecstatic to hear that. “Awww, thanks~! You’re far to kind!” Magna said with a grin. “Princess Kurenai, you know you’re not supposed to be outside the castle walls!” A woman called, marching over. “Relax Adara, we have guests. These two happen to be part of the Black Bulls Squad.” Kurenai introduced. The woman, Adara, perked up with curiosity. “Oh?” She asked. “Name’s Magna Swing, and this brat here is Luck Voltia.” Magna replied. “Adara, I am the right hand lady of Her Majesty.” Adara stated. She leans over and whispers, “Sorry about the Princess, she tends to have a rebellious streak to her.” Magna just grinned, “It’s all good, don’t worry.” He mumbled back. But inside the castle, Noblewoman name Carmen was not so kind to anyone except her son name Robin, she and Kurenai had a strained relationship with each other as they did not get along so often. After having a full blown argument; Kurenai packed her stuff as she was going to run away from home—despite pleas from her servants, her adviser, Magna and Luck. “Forget it! She doesn’t care about me, she’s better off with a son like my brother than a daughter like me.” Kurenai stated. As the sun was about to rise; Magna, Luck, Eleazar, Lakeith, Tala and Adara went over the castle walls to the other side. Just as Kurenai was about to leap over the castle walls, she took one last look at the castle. “Goodbye forever.” Kurenai whispered. With that, Kurenai turned and left it all behind her!

While on the run; Kurenai reveals to have Blood Magic with a Grimoire with all Spells to her Blood Creation Magic. Adara has Briar Magic, almost like Charlotte Roselei of the Blue Roses, Eleazar has Light Magic, Lakeith has Slash Magic and Tala has Water Magic. During the battle against Rogues that are confronted with; Magna bumped into something as he saw who it was. A girl and some flamboyant guy! “Oh no! It’s you two!” Magna groaned. The girl made a face, “You again? Aw great.” She complained. “I never wanted to see you again either!” The pompous boy uttered. Kurenai look at the snobby boy, the girl and Magna. “You guys know each other?” She inquired. “Like I’d tell!” The snobby boy retorted. “Don’t ask, don’t even ask!” The girl hissed. “Forget it, Kurenai! I’m not talking and you can’t make me!” Magna snapped. Kurenai giggled, “Eleazar…” She called in a sing song voice. Eleazar stood over Magna and the other two, he placed his hand over a tree and then it disintegrated! Magna, the girl and the snobby boy are in shock. Eleazar looked smug while Lakeith snickered and Tala sneered too. “Now, let’s try that again…How do the three of you know each other?” Kurenai asked. The girl is Sol Marron and the guy is Kirsch Vermilion. It was then things were getting hectic Magna, Sol and Kirsch were not thrilled to be forced to work together however they have to be on the same team in order to survive against the rogues. As personalities clashed over different types of strategies and the rogues attacking; the ever so flamboyant Kirsch offers to be bait when the rogues get closer, then Magna and Sol will pop out and they can attack. The plan worked charmed! “See? I told you, now…Praise me~!” Kirsch belted out. “No.” Magna and Sol said in unison. Magna, Sol and Kirsch were relieved however they remembered they hate each other as they turned away with a huff of annoyance. Even though they hated each other; Magna, Sol and Kirsch slowly developed a mutual respect for each other. But the situation is a pattern: One minute they can’t stand one another, and the next minute they can’t live without the other.

Down the road as everyone jumped to the other side while Magna couldn’t do it; Kurenai becomes catty and makes comments about Magna that affect him, Adara called her out but Kurenai doesn’t care however Magna ran away—he seemed upset. “Yeah, that’s right! Run away, coward!” Kurenai hollered. She turns away with a scoff, “Who does that ass clown think he is? Good God, he’s so annoying with his tough guy attitude! I just can’t stand him!” Kurenai mumbled. “Princess?” Eleazar asked. “I mean, he has that whole delinquent image but no one wants someone who doesn’t seem cool once you get to know him. It’s pathetic really, does he have any idea who I am?! No, he thinks he’s hot shit!” Kurenai continued, snubbing Eleazar. “Princess.” Lakeith said. “It’s so infuriating to be around him, all he does is yell and act like a tough guy when he’s nothing more than a mere prick!” Kurenai rambled, she also ignored Lakeith. “PRINCESS!!!” Adara exclaimed, she finally got the red head princess’s attention. “What is it?!” Kurenai cried. Adara pointed a finger over, “Look.” She uttered. There was Magna running at the speed of light, his shoes on fire from his Magic he was using! He was attempting to jump over to get to the others. “Magna?” gasped Luck. “What is he doing?” Eleazar asked. “Holy crap, is he--?” Lakeith inquired. “No, he’s not!” Tala cried. “Wait, you don’t think…” Kirsch started to say. “You wouldn’t dare!” Sol protested. “NO, DON’T YOU’RE NOT GOING TO MAKE IT!!!!” Kurenai hollered. “WATCH ME!!!” shouted Magna. With one leap, he was in the air and tumbled down in front of the others. There was silence, Magna rose up panting but managed to grin with excitement. Luck cheered: “Way to go!” Eleazar smiled, “Impressive.” He admitted. “Not bad, hot head.” Lakeith remarked. “Nice one.” Tala said. “My, you really are strong.” Adara answered. “I hate to say this but nice job out there.” Sol declared. “Yes, that execution was beautifully flawless~!” Kirsch chirped up. But Kurenai had smoke coming out of her ears, she took Magna by his shirt and dragged him off. She then pins him against the wall, a look of anger in her eyes. “You….You are crazy!” She spat. “Give me a sec, will ya? I’m outta breath…” Magna managed to say through breaths. Kurenai lets him go and sized him up. “OK then, but remember—my world, my rules. Got it?” She challenged. Magna nodded and they were on their way. But then there was more trouble: Oberon is the captain as his squad members consisted of Donato, Kane and Takashi. They have orders from Lady Carmen to fetch the Princess. Nevertheless, Kurenai refused to go with them! A fight broke out as Magna and the others got away in the midst of chaos.

Want to read more? Check it out here: https://www.quotev.com/story/12471946/Black-Clover-Fire-Blood

Thank you so much~! 

To @askmagnaswing and @flauntingdante; hope you like it! 

[ddaddsprompts]

hi there! love your blog! so regarding that last ask of the dads reacting to dadsona being an actor, how would the dads AND their kids react at watching a super tragic movie that dadsona is in? (like super sad terminal illness or something)

 tw; “death” by terminal illness

‘I know this is hard, Princess. I’m so sorry.’ You whispered, grasping on to your “daughter”’s hand as she cried into it. An amazing actress for a girl her age. With her skill combines with yours, [Dad] could feel his heart slowly break as the little girl begged you not to leave her. ‘Daddy! Please don’t leave me, you can still get better!’ She sobbed. ‘Mommy’s working really hard and…and…’ ‘Princess, I’m sorry. Daddy will be watching you from above, alright? He’ll be with grandma and grandpa and we’ll all be looking over you.’ ‘No! I want you to stay, please!’ The girl cried. ‘Daddy, don’t go…’ ‘I love you very much, remember that.’ You whispered and slowly drifted away on screen, the music playing a soft but sad piano tune as the young girl cried out and folded herself over your body, sobbing her heart out. Craig; Words could not describe the pain he felt as he watched your eyes droop and your grip on the small hand weaken and fall to your side. The pang in his hard grew stronger as he saw the girl scream and beg you to wake up, feeling tears begin to line his eyes. ‘Woah, Y/N’s a great actor, aren’t they, Dad?’ Hazel commented, looking up at her father to see him starting to choke up. ‘Dad! Are you crying?!’ Briar also took notice of her dad’s state and quickly paused the movie, grabbing a handful of tissues. ‘Dad! Don’t be upset, it’s just a movie, silly!’The girls giggled at their father’s state over a movie. He wasn’t really the type to cry over cheesy tragic films, as he was well aware that it was all fiction, but something about you being the one passing away probably hit a heart string there. Craig chuckled too as he wiped his eyes. ‘Ah, sorry. Maybe they’re a little too good at acting, don’t you think, girls?’ He disposed of the tissues and plopped back down on the sofa. ‘Just in case, hand me that tissue box, huh? Might need it a little later.’ River burbled beside them, unaware what was happening but was just happy to be there.Hugo; The words, the actions, the tears, as an admirer of the arts, Hugo was totally speechless as he watched your nearly flawless acting make the illusion that he was truly watching you disappear from reality, leaving this tiny young girl absolutely heartbroken. Hugo appeared to be a calm man but that scene hit him so hard tears actually began to fall from his eyes. His son, who was sitting beside him, noticed his father was crying. Ernest sighed, paused the movie and  walked to the bathroom, coming back with a bunch of tissues. ‘Here.’ He grumbled, avoiding Hugo’s eyes. ‘Y/N’s pretty good at acting, and uh, yeah.’ ‘Thanks.’ Hugo smiled and brushed away the remaining tears. His heart still hurt from that scene but he pushed on, pressing the play button on the remote to continue the movie. Ernest stared at his dad for a bit. He was pretty emotional inside, he was aware of that. But he’d hardly see him cry unless he called him Dad, and even then it was tears of giddiness and joy. When was the last time Hugo had cried from true sadness, Ernest wondered. Gripping onto the tissue in his hoodie pocket, he made sure Hugo wasn’t looking before he wiped away his own tears. Sure, Ernest might be a tough kid but damn, that scene hit him pretty hard.Robert; There were times when Robert was really fascinated with your acting skills when you both messed around with fake stories at the bar, deceiving many. It was quite entertaining, but he wasn’t laughing as he watched your character close his eyes and pass away. It felt real, almost too real. Robert uncomfortably shifted in his seat, nervously chuckling beside Val. ‘Yeesh, Y/N, uh, really learned from the best, huh?’ He coughed, trying to hide his inner turmoil. His heart was racing, the scene looking nearly all too familiar. Val looked equally uncomfortable, but decided to be a bit more open about it. ‘Pops, do you wanna, uh, skip this scene? You don’t look too well.’ She reached for the remote. Robert thought for a while and nodded, which signaled Val to press the fast forward button. The scene seemed to last forever, along with an additional funeral scene which made Robert more uncomfortable. Once the movie ended, Val made sure to dial you up so you could reassure Robert that it was just a movie and that everything was alright.Joseph; ‘Oh, my.’ Was all Joseph could say as he watched your body go limp and your face go blank, accompanied with the little girl going hysterical. He was speechless. Absolutely speechless as the sad music kicked in and he slowly felt his heart break in his chest. He knew it wasn’t real, but Joseph still felt touched by your amazing acting skills that a little part of him thought of it to be real.  The kids were bored around the start of the movie, snoozing on the couch and looking around the room, wondering when it was time to leave. But now, they seemed a little more invested into the story, especially the twins. ‘Daddy, is Y/N really dead?’ Christian whispered, tugging onto Joseph’s sleeve. Christian usually had this quiet, silently intimidating aura, but at that moment he looked like a curious and slightly scared young boy, proving that your talent could touch even people like his son. Joseph smiled and ruffled his head. ‘No, sport. Y/N’s just acting for the movie, that’s all.’ The boy nodded, settling back beside his twin as the family continued the movie.Mat; Don’t get it wrong; Mat loved how passionate and good you were at acting. He was so inspired by your talent for the art that he would often admire you from across the counter as you practiced your lines at the Coffee Spoon. But he was not prepared for a wave of total heartache, seeing you in a hospital bed, slowly drifting from reality. The second your eyes closed, Mat’s chest lurched and he suddenly felt tears in his eyes. The lines of reality and fiction blurred and somewhere in his mind, he thought it was real, that you had just passed away and left him to be alone again- ‘Dad!’ Carmensita gasped and immediately stopped the movie, grabbing all the tissues she could and balanced a cup of water in her full hands. ‘Dad, are you alright?!’ The shouts of his surprised daughter shook Mat into reality, realizing that the television was off and that he was back in the real world as he wiped his eyes. ‘Oh, sweetie. I-I’m sorry. I just..um..’ ‘Jeez, you scared me! Don’t do that ever again!’ She scolded, sniffling as if she was on the verge of tears too. He put his arm around his daughter. ‘Honey, I’m sorry. You still wanna continue the movie?’ ‘Promise you won’t suddenly start crying like a baby?’ ‘Ehh, maybe?’ ‘Dad!’Damien; He knew that you were exemplary at acting, but he didn’t know you were that talented to the point where even Lucien was shocked at the scene. Once the scene portrayed your death, Damien felt as if someone had just stabbed a knife through his chest and began feeling a lump in his throat. ‘W-Well, now. Y/N has quite a t-talent.’ Damien croaked behind a tissue to keep Lucien from finding out about his tears. But the young man was as sharp as the spikes he wore and turned to his father, revealing his state. ‘Dad, oh my god.’ Lucien sighed and grabbed the tissue box nearby, chuckling as he handed it to him. ‘You do know it isn’t real, right?’ ‘Of course I do, son.’ He blew his nose in demise. ‘It’s just that Y/N makes it seem so real that I simply can’t help myself.’ ‘You’re not wrong about that.’ Lucien mumbled, looking at the distraught little girl as she sobbed over her dead father’s corpse. ‘Definitely not wrong.’Brian; To have such a talented significant other made his heart swell with pride. Whenever you would practice lines for an upcoming film or be too tired from filming to drive home alone, Brian was always there with hot tea, a ride, and an unlimited supply of bear hugs whenever work was too much to handle. Being around you so much meant that he got used to the slightly intimidating movie sets and how you portrayed different characters so easily that it left him in shock. This scene in particular made him frozen to his seat. He couldn’t even put his arm around his daughter and say something along the lines of ‘That’s our Y/N right there, sweetie!’. All he could do was sit and stare as the sad music kicked in and the little girl went into hysterics. The sudden silence from her father made Daisy a bit uncomfortable and she just had to look up to see Brian with a blank face. ‘D-Dad?’ She uttered, crawling a bit closer to him. ‘Are you okay?’ ‘Honey, I-I…’ How could he speak? What would he say? It was then he realized that there were tears in his eyes, and he chuckled to himself. ‘Ah, Y/N’s got me again, and they aren’t even here.’ He smiled and snuggled with a slightly confused Daisy. ‘Aren’t they incredible?’-mod coffee cake

[zenpasta]

The Silence of Sipatu

          Helkee Posala doesn’t wander too far off in the forest, as she plans to soon return to Sipatu, her glass house full of greenery. She knows Sipatu to be the safest dwelling she could find, but now she can’t help but to stroll a little deeper into the woods, some curious chill drawing her in. She marvels at the height of the aromatic evergreens, the brightness of the dandelions, and the inviting darkness of the tree-shaded path before her. The farther she roams, the denser the foliage becomes, and the sunrays beaming through the treetops grow sparse.

          She feels the presence of Sipatu tugging her back toward Herself, as though two long threads are tied to her sixth ribs on either side, drawing her all the way back to Sipatu. Maybe the tugging is by the Morning Glory Vine, one of her beloved plants, who simply wishes Posala to stay safe within the safety of Sipatu.

          Even stronger than that pull, though, are the chains of Notaku.

          Notaku is the greenhouse who opposes Sipatu. Despite the pain that Notaku always inflicts upon Posala when she finds herself there, she is bound to him. She feels this bondage now, as though the manipulative Kudzu Vine is yanking ice-cold manacles that bite into her ankles and drag her toward Notaku. With every step the strain against her feet lessens, while the threads in her ribs wind tighter around and around each bone, weaving guilt into her chest.

          Once she arrives at the door of Notaku, the resistance around her ankles lessens, but still cuts. She takes in the view before her in misery and dread. The structure of the arboretum is identical to Sipatu’s, but that is where the similarities end. Sipatu resides in a clearing where sun shines through Her plants, Her windows are clean and shining, and the Huata, the living flowers inside, are pleasant-natured and aglow. On the contrary, Notaku is veiled in darkness and woe, his windows shrouded in ice and dirt thrown around inside by his mutinous plants, the Lokni. His climate is perpetually cold and damp; his windows are fogged up with condensation so thick that she can’t see inside.

          As Posala crosses the threshold, the guilt in her chest restricts her breathing, but she ignores it. The interior is just as chaotic as she knew it would be. Dirt is strewn across the floor, the Briars have doubled in size, knocking over pots of flailing Lokni and twisting around the stinking fruit-filled saplings. The vicious weeds reach up between the moist stones and deliberately bite at her feet with her every step, snarling as they do so. The Lokni surrounding her cackle in delight as they watch.

           Posala shrinks under gloom and fatigue, her energy sapped by the despondency of the atmosphere. Letting out a shaky sigh, she begins to clean up the turmoil around her, in spite of her freezing limbs and lack of strength. She sweeps out the dirt, throws the broken pottery shards out into the ivy outside, and rips out each and every snapping weed from the floor until her hands are raw and bleeding. She reorganizes the plants back, making sure each shrub is located by the correct watering tree necessary for it to vegetate.

           Hours later when her slender muscles have almost no life left to give, she stops in the doorway on the way out, quickly glancing around to ensure her completion before fleeing into the night. Notaku’s manacles do not reappear as she trudges home, as she has fulfilled her duty and will be left alone. For now.

           When she is finally able to return to Sipatu, Posala wilts under shame as she enters, shrinking herself as small as possible.

           “I’m sorry, Sipatu,” she whispers, looking down with her chin on her chest, hands in fists clenching her black hair. “I had no control. Why didn’t you save me from him?” As her tears roll down her cheeks, she is anointed with Sipatu’s warm presence blooming in her chest and spreading over her body, deep into her bones and her soul. She knows, in this moment, that she is not at fault for her burden.  

▪ ▪ ▪

           Weeks of peaceful normality pass, and Helkee Posala thrives and flourishes throughout the days alongside the Huata, her floral and herbal companions. She dances with her Vines and sings in harmony with the Hyacinths to Sipatu. She tends to the ripe fruit, the Blueberries, Peaches, and Oranges, among others. She is sure to cultivate the rhythmic cycle of the watering trees throughout the aisles of verdure. The plants of each family are grouped together, hundreds of different types lining the three long tables that stretch the length of the conservatory. The Roses thrive most when watered by the Apple Saplings, while the Daffodils are at their best with the Willows. She stands on the tables, adjusting the Morning Glory Vine that covers the glass ceiling and walls for the sun to fall on or be obscured from each plant according to their needs. Before, during, and after her gardening, she spends unmeasured time in reverence in the presence of Sipatu.

           One morning Posala wakes in her bed at the end of the greenhouse. Sunshine lands on her russet skin, adding a richness to the already-warm temperature of her home. She feels the faint prickling of something cold on the backs of her ankles. Though she tries to ignore the need to go outside, she already knows it will happen. Today. Though she longs to stay with Sipatu, she does not understand her own actions, for she does not do what she wants, but she does the very thing that she hates.

           Posala hears her fear knocking on the door. Has the Kudzu come this far? She tries to ignore it, not daring to speak to Sipatu of it. Knock, knock, knock. It is relentless, filling Posala with fatigue and hopelessness. After trying her best to care for the Huata without thought or feeling, she reluctantly heads toward the door without saying a word to Sipatu. She feels Sipatu’s sadness as a chill through her bones, and shivers as she slips out the door.

           She nearly collapses under the sudden weight of Notaku’s demand on her shoulders. She desires nothing more than to turn back, but it is too late. The shackles are firmly clamped around her ankles, promising relief and belonging if she only follow that cold, dark path one more time. She knows by the butterfly wings fluttering in her sternum that she is being deceived, but she swats the thought away and continues toward her grave.

           Notaku appears to be in a worse state than usual now. Several panes of his windows are cracked and frozen fog is slowly seeping through the glass. Unable to escape, she enters the greenhouse and all of her senses are immediately assaulted. The stench of rotten fruit is permeating, so strong that it makes her light-headed. The Briars now reach the ceiling, almost doubling her height. Broken pot shards are strewn everywhere, and the weeds have grown back taller, stronger, and angrier. They bite into her legs and throw dirt in her face, writhing around like spastic serpents.

           She senses Notaku’s vulgar delight as a loud throbbing in her temple, and she scowls, disgusted with herself for returning once again. “Will my suffering never end? Why do you bring me here?” she cries, shouting up into the ceiling, where she sees Kudzu menacingly twisting toward her. As she screams, one of Kudzu’s tendrils plunges into her throat, gagging her as it curls around her body, squeezing tighter and tighter the more she squirms. The watering trees are pouring down hail, pelting her body with a flood of bruising sting after sting. Dirt-filled tears stream down her face, unable to make a sound. The surrounding Lokni make an uproar, shrieking in their pleasure at this sight.

           The attack goes on for hours, days maybe, Posala doesn’t know. Kudzu gradually loosens its grip, finally letting her go just before she is fully dead, and rests back on the ceiling where it resides. She crawls out the door as quickly as she can. Her bare legs are welted and gaping open in some places where streams of blood trickle down, staining her skirt as she drags herself home. Though the bites sting, they do not compare to the invisible force cutting into her ankles, commanding her to reverse in her tracks. She doesn’t look back, fearing the Vine may be snaking up behind her.

           Helkee Posala enters the shelter of Sipatu. Instead of the sanctuary she once took refuge in, she is now greeted with musky, stale air and the sight of shriveled plants. Her Huata are dead.

           Tears welling up in her eyes, she slowly walks the lengths of the aisles of her once-blooming garden. The Tulips. Foxglove. Jasmine. The overhead Vines once full of Morning Glories, all shriveled and colorless. She raises her hand to her mouth, unsuccessfully covering her sobs. Undue guilt pours down her face, drawing her to her knees on the icy stones beneath her.

“Sipatu, Sipatu, why have you forsaken me?” Posala weeps.

           Sipatu is silent.

▪ ▪ ▪

           Helkee Posala wakes in her arid, empty house. Her skin is raw, bruised, and crusted with blood and dirt; last night there wasn’t a single watering tree to clean off with, and now in the morning nothing is different, despite the yearnings of her dry throat. Through the lifeless grey vines, she sees that outside the sky is downcast and raining. She is alone, for the first time she can remember. All she has left is Notaku, and her ankles are so sore by this point that she can’t think of a reason not to go. Seeing no other options, and with some small distorted form of hope, she trudges back to her perpetrator.

           The windows are clear of all moisture this time. Inside, all is still. The Lokni everywhere are wilting, even the weeds barely acknowledge her. Maybe they just misplaced their watering trees again. She is frantic, looking through them for what could be wrong. But everything is in its correct place, and the watering trees are dry. Convinced there is something she must do, she tries moving the trees around, despite knowing that it won’t help.

           By her ankle she feels heat, not cold. One of the weeds is aflame. Good riddance. She is unbothered. Until the flame spreads to the next weed and the next, until it reaches the Briars and the plants up on the tables. Posala shrieks, terrified. She is quickly surrounded by walls of fire all around her. Just as she resolves to let it engulf her, to just be done with everything, with Notaku, the Lokni, the Huata, and even with Sipatu Herself, she stops. She doesn’t know why. She feels that she is tempted beyond what she can bear. But she thinks that maybe with the temptation there is also a way of escape, that she may be able to endure it. She stands still, waiting for the inferno to overcome her.

           But the fire finally dies away, and the hair on her head is not singed, and her clothes are not harmed. There is nothing left; not a single Lokni, table, or pot shard. Every surface is covered in ash, adding yet another layer of grime to her skin. Posala’s frigid loneliness deepens; she feels it as little holes nailed through the center of her palms. But rising above the sadness she carries is a small glow of belief, just the size of a Marigold seed, that there may be one day again when she can taste and see that Sipatu is good.

           When Posala arrives at the shell of Sipatu, there is a narrow river flowing through the forest, stretching through the middle of the clearing and passing the front of the greenhouse. She slakes her thirst and rinses her skin until it is clear again.

           She goes home. Inside is still and fruitless. She wanders the length of the tables, sweeping up the dead petals and leaves and watches them drift away down the stream. When she is almost finished, she moves one last pot aside to clean under it, and finds a Huata, alive, thriving, and new. It is a Hyssop. She realizes she no longer carries shackles on her ankles.

           Though she lives in heartache, Helkee Posala slowly begins to understand the silence of Sipatu. Despite the lull in their communion, she thinks maybe it was Her who broke her bondage to Notaku, and realizes that even in the most dismal of places, Sipatu is there, protecting her.

           Little by little, day by day, she unearths the truth that her bond to Sipatu is not dependent on what Posala feels – but on what she knows. Her belief in Sipatu’s goodness is not sensed anywhere in her body nor in the air around her, but now she knows that a never-ending sensation isn’t what she needs to connect her to Sipatu. It is the knowledge of who Sipatu is and how much She loves her that Posala clings to in the midst of confusion.

           So even though she feels abandoned, she knows that she is not. Some days there is proof, a Pear here, a Hydrangea there, and some nights she goes hungry. But she gradually learns that sometimes she has to speak her beliefs over her feelings, like a Japanese Maple waters over Strawberries.

           She is sorrowful, yet attempts to rejoice always. She continues to live in her quiet sanctuary, tending to her slowly-sprouting Huata, without stain or reproach. She petitions to Sipatu for their breath to be restored, and waits with faith for the day when comes the blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of Sipatu.