#i hate that ive made multiple posts of him/j

[pluraldeepdive]

Let's Fact Check: Was MPD renamed to DID for Harmful Reasons?

(Disclaimer: This post contains descriptions of ableism and disbelief in plurality. I do not condone any hatred towards any person mentioned on this post. If you see anyone attacking them, please report them for harassment! This post was made to spread awareness, not negativity.)

In this post, we will be investigating the claim that multiple personality disorder (MPD) was renamed to dissociative identity disorder (DID) for harmful reasons.

Origins of the claim

This claim most likely originated from a (now privatized) wordpress blog post made in 2019.

Click here for an archive of the blog post.

In this post, the author is discussing a blog post they found that's written by Allen J. Frances, the chairman of an outdated edition of the DSM. After reading his blog post, they came to the conclusion that Frances renamed MPD to DID out of malicious intent towards people with MPD because his blog post states that he does not believe in MPD.

This wordpress post was later linked on Twitter, where many users began repeating the claim. As it spread across Twitter and other social media platforms, the claim has adopted several variations. Some people claim that Frances attempted to get rid of MPD entirely, some claim that he renamed it as a scheme to erase all plurality, and some claim that “DID” is an ableist or offensive diagnosis because of all of this. It seems like most of the people spreading these claims do not have DID themselves, however.

Click here for a link to an imgur folder showing examples of this claim in online plural spaces.

The post by Frances

Now, let's look at the blog post that was cited as proof that MPD was renamed to DID for harmful reasons.

Click here to read his post (TW for fakeclaiming and ableism).

This post was written in 2014. In it, Frances is expressing how he doesn’t believe in what he calls MPD. He personally adheres to the debunked skeptical models which suggest DID is created through therapeutic suggestion or is a “fad”. He talks about how he wished he could remove MPD from the DSM-IV, but couldn’t do so. The next best thing, to him, was to allow controversial statements to be injected into the manual. These statements were removed in the current edition of the DSM.

Frances does not mention anything about the diagnosis's name change.

Addressing bias & concerning behavior

First of all, it’s important to look into the author of the wordpress blog to understand how reliable their word is. The author is a median system who I found out, from the blog, is @/multi_sapphire on Twitter. She also runs the blog @/acting-nt on Tumblr, which is a fact known by many in the online community.

At the time of making her blog post, she did not identify as having DID. She is openly anti-psychiatry, as well. While I don't want to make this a big focus, this system also has a history in the plural community of being very hateful towards the DID label. I have had to make a PSA about them before for posting hatred in the DID tags (source). They are the coiner of the term "traumascum" among other things (source). Many, many PSAs have been made about her by other systems about various concerning behavior (source).

Frances’ post can be easily triggering to anyone with DID, OSDD, or plurality. It’s understandable how a system, who was already unfavorable towards psychiatry, came to think that all of the changes made to DID in the DSM-IV were done out of malicious intent. Let's investigate that next.

Addressing how the DSM is made & who coins names

For anyone who doesn't know, "DSM" stands for the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. It is a handbook used by clinicians to diagnose mental disorders.

The DSM-IV is an outdated edition that is no longer in use. It was published in 1994 and was replaced by the DSM-5 in 2013. While Frances was the chairman of the DSM-IV, he was kicked off the taskforce and has nothing to do with the current DSM. Most of the changes he made were completely reversed in the current manual.

The DSM taskforce is run by many people. Diagnoses are divided across different work groups who receive input and data from researchers that specifically research and work with people with those disorders. Suggestions are proposed from the researchers to the work groups, who then analyze this, conduct field trials, and propose changes that should be made to the DSM (source).

While Frances oversaw the taskforce, he is not listed as a member of any work group or researcher in the DSM-IV. This means he did not come up with any of the proposed changes to the DSM-IV.

Why MPD was renamed to DID

All of the dissociative disorders were renamed at the same time! All of them, except for DPDR, were changed to have the word “dissociation” in them. Researchers explain that they proposed this change in order to make the dissociative nature of these disorders more understandable.

Psychogenic amnesia was renamed to dissociative amnesia.

Psychogenic fugue was renamed to dissociative fugue.

Multiple personality disorder was renamed to dissociative identity disorder.

Atypical dissociative disorder was renamed to dissociative disorder not otherwise specified.

When it comes to DID in particular, there are two main reasons for the shift from multiple personalities to dissociative identities. Hersen et al. states the one of these reasons is that the term 'personality' defines "the characteristic pattern of thoughts, feelings, moods, and behaviors" of the whole brain (source). This is what makes alters identities rather than personalities. According to this definition of personality, having multiple personalities would mean having multiple brains! The second reason is that the older term emphasized the alters over the dissociation (same source).

In my opinion, refocusing on the dissociation rather than the alters allows people with DID to have the full spectrum of their symptoms recognized, and helps distance plurality from disorders. Many plural systems don't view their systems as the problem. Many systems don't have DID, either. The shift in this diagnostic language has made it much easier for that distinction to be made! It's very unfortunate that false claims have been made about this, casting more stigma onto both DID and non-DID systems.

Summary

To summarize everything:

The claim that MPD was renamed to DID for harmful reasons most likely originated from a 2019 blog post.

The author of the blog post was reasonably concerned about a figure of authority being ableist. However, their own biases against the DID label likely influenced their claim that the DID label was created by said figure of authority.

In actuality, that guy did not come up with the name "DID." Researchers are the ones who did.

MPD was renamed to DID in order to make it more understandable and put an emphasis on dissociation.

All dissociative disorders were renamed along with DID to include the word "dissociation" in them.

[hyuckswoman]

im not even mark biased (nobody misinterpret that i will get violent /j) but i adore your smau so much 😭 i was just stalking the tags and i somehow ended up reading it n now i keep up w it and i love how consistent u r with posting hehe

im jaemin biased but jeno's been wrecking me EXTRAA hard these days literally check my history on any social media ive got it bad sorry nana😔 N E WAYS MY POINT IS this potential jeno romance makes me giddy but like im goinf to cry (war. i will start a war. this is a threat /j) if whatever this is w jeno ends in even an ounce of heartbreak </3

PLEASSEEEEEEEE first of all, TYSM WHATTTTT i’m so happy you like down bad omg i swear when people tell me their thoughts about my work i get so giddy omg you should see the stupid grin i have on my face rn

also maybe spoiler? not really but like since i have a couple of chapters planned, I perceive chapter 20 in a whole different way plsss.

one thing abt me is I HATE multiple love leads/ love triangle tropes so i’m really sorry but there won’t be ANY jeno romance or anything in this, the shipping with some people is a canon event that will serve me purpose later (😝) so no jeno or anybody but mark x y/n romance is gonna take place

also, this made me so happy i might just do jeno bf texts just for you…idk anyway LOVE YOU POOKIE and hope you’re having a great day and tysm for interacting with me n the story you have no idea how happy this makes me ughhh 😣

(also as someone that doesn’t have a bias in nct but is in their mark era it’s good that you don’t bias him…i will start a war with you the second i enter my jaemin/jeno era tho (i swear when i have to tag people on my taglist and i see users like marksgf or markslover i get SICK cuz why are you perceiving him??))

[pinkbeeps]

What did Tom ever do to you?

What didn't Tom do to me

[astradrifting]

This is kind of inspired by this recent ask I sent to @esther-dot about Jon’s characterisation and Jonsa shippers’ apparent disregard for it, because it made me think of another part of Jon’s characterisation that is really integral to who he is. Mainly, that Jon really loves his brothers. Especially Robb. His rival and best friend and constant companion. Jon envies him, competes with him, buried a formative traumatic memory where he was deeply hurt by him... but ultimately loves him. Complex relationships with his brothers, both the Starks and his Night’s Watch brothers, are a running theme in Jon’s chapters.

Speaking of Jon’s brothers...

Aegon VI and Robb have a lot of potential parallels, actually. The “Young” moniker, red-haired counselors who are also their parents, trained to be the heir to a great kingdom from a young age, the barely younger half-brother Jon borne of their father’s dishonour of their mother… one that they might both have a good relationship with despite that?

The show tried to play with Jon ‘accepting’ his Targaryen lineage through the jonerice romance, very unconvincingly because it was simultaneously undermining it at every opportunity, in what was maybe a half-assed attempt at Pol!Jon (”They’ll all come to see you for what you are” isn’t anything but a threat in all contexts).

Jon will ultimately choose the Starks over everything else, that’s not really a question. But if Jon were to genuinely connect with another Targaryen, it’d likely be easier for him to find kinship with a half-brother than with an aunt - he has a basis for positive relationships with trueborn half-brothers, while the only aunt figure he’s ever known about is a) long dead and b) actually his mother. I think it’d both make more sense and be more compelling for GRRM to leverage Jon’s existing complex relationships with brotherhood by having him interact with and build a relationship with Aegon, than a rushed and out-of-character romance with Dany. 

Jon also is already primed to believe that Aegon is the real deal, that he was saved as a baby, because he’s already done the exact same thing himself - he swapped out a baby of royal blood who was in danger for a common-born boy, and then sent him halfway across the world for safety (side note: if Septa Lemore is Ashara, and if the baby was actually Ashara’s son as theorised here by @agentrouka-blog, that would just strengthen the parallel, because it would be his body double’s mother caring for him, as Gilly has to do for Mance’s son).

They’re definitely going to come into conflict first - politically, Jon will likely be in a position of power in the North by the time they meet, maybe as the KitN through Robb’s will or regent for Rickon, and probably will fight for Northern independence, while Aegon is fighting to be king of the Seven Kingdoms, not 6. Personally, it will be hard to get past the fact that Jon is the direct result of Rhaegar dishonouring Elia, plus that the Kingsguard who should have been protecting her were all stationed in Dorne, guarding Jon’s mother (in whatever capacity). But these interactions, a conflict and eventual friendship/brotherhood between them, would all be a lot more layered than jonerice can really offer. If a relationship between Jon and Dany was truly all that GRRM has been building up to, then there would have been no need for R+L=J - it adds nothing to that storyline, it doesn’t even make it a forbidden romance, because aunt-nephew is hardly the worst incest the Targaryens have engaged in.

It’s almost inevitable that Da*nerys is going to kill Aegon VI/Young Griff in the books, likely by burning him with dragonfire, in the Second Dance of the Dragons. The weird Dragonpit meeting in the show was very contrived, but it does make sense for Dany to meet the ruler on the Iron Throne at least once in a semi-peaceful context. In the show, she used her dragons only to intimidate Cersei, but she didn’t have a personal grievance with her. Aegon is in much more danger during such a meeting. After all she will think he is a pretender, and she doesn’t much care for the rules of safe conduct, as she showed to the envoys from Yunkai.

Dany shrugged, and said, "Dracarys."

The dragons answered. Rhaegal hissed and smoked, Viserion snapped, and Drogon spat swirling red-black flame. It touched the drape of Grazdan's tokar, and the silk caught in half a heartbeat. 

[...]

"You swore I should have safe conduct!" the Yunkish envoy wailed.

"Do all the Yunkai'i whine so over a singed tokar? I shall buy you a new one... if you deliver up your slaves within three days. Elsewise, Drogon shall give you a warmer kiss." She wrinkled her nose. "You've soiled yourself. Take your gold and go, and see that the Wise Masters hear my message."

(ASOS, Dany IV)

"Ah, there is the thorn in the bower, my queen," said Hizdahr zo Loraq. "Sad to say, Yunkai has no faith in your promises. They keep plucking the same string on the harp, about some envoy that your dragons set on fire."

"Only his tokar was burned," said Dany scornfully.

(ADWD, Dany VI)

So Dany will burn the Blackfyre pretender, and everyone will be happy and cheer to see the rightful queen, the last Targaryen, Slayer of Lies, Breaker of Chains, Insert-The-Million-Other-Titles-Here. Right?

Except how would she prove that he’s an imposter? She can’t exactly roll up with an Alt Shift X video pointing out that Illyrio has said some weird things about Aegon. Is Varys going to have an attack of remorse and explain his whole plot, complete with Blackfyre family tree? Or maybe she’ll explain that she went on a vision quest in Qarth and Aegon totally matches up with the vague symbolism that a bunch of drugged up warlocks told her before she set them on fire?

I don’t think it’s going to matter if Aegon is fake or not, and we might never find out either way. The mystery of his identity isn’t his main narrative, and all of his significance to the story and to multiple other characters is removed if he’s proved to not be Aegon VI. Him being proved fake would just make this plotline a weird, unnecessary digression on Dany’s journey to being the righteous and true queen, his death just another #girlboss moment for her. That’s definitely going to be her perception of it, but once she reaches Westeros we won’t have to rely on only her POV of her actions. History is written by the winners, and no one’s going to miss that it’s a lot more convenient for Dany if the boy with a stronger claim than her turns out to have been fake all along. Arianne and the Dornish are definitely not going to take it lying down, and neither is Jon. He’s not going to fall in love with the woman who murdered his brother, especially by burning him alive. ADWD has plenty to say about how much he hates death by fire.

“Men say that freezing to death is almost peaceful. Fire, though … do you see the candle, Gilly?”

She looked at the flame. “Yes.”

“Touch it. Put your hand over the flame.”

Her big brown eyes grew bigger still. She did not move.

“Do it.” Kill the boy. “Now.”

Trembling, the girl reached out her hand, held it well above the flickering candle flame.

“Down. Let it kiss you.”

Gilly lowered her hand. An inch. Another. When the flame licked her flesh, she snatched her hand back and began to sob.

“Fire is a cruel way to die. Dalla died to give this child life, but you have nourished him, cherished him. You saved your own boy from the ice. Now save hers from the fire.”

(ADWD, Jon II)

Funnily enough, the same fire as a kiss imagery from Dany burning the envoy’s tokar appeared there too, also used as a threat. 

If he is not a kinslayer, he is the next best thing. [...] What sort of man can stand by idly and watch his own brother being burned alive?

(ADWD, Jon IX)

So Aegon’s death is not going to be a triumphant victory for Dany, after which everyone proclaims her the true queen. It’s likely to just solidify opposition to her, from every corner of Westeros. If it happens during a summit or negotiation, it’d be even more of a tragic parallel to Robb and the Red Wedding; the young king murdered off of the battlefield, at an event where he was promised safe conduct. Featuring Dany in the role of Roose Bolton and Tywin Lannister. Tywin’s already died a very undignified death, and Roose Bolton looks to be on his way too.

I think the tragedy of Aegon’s death would also hit harder if we see it through Jon, as a main POV, or at least the aftermath of it. Jon was integral at the Dragonpit meeting after all, and probably would be at a peace summit or negotiation between the leaders of Westeros and the invading force.

In ASOS, there’s a curious lack of Jon’s reaction to Robb’s death. We see his initial reaction to Bran and Rickon’s supposed deaths when he gets back to Castle Black, but he doesn’t even know about Robb’s death until Stannis arrives to defeat the wildlings, and we’re not shown the moment he’s told about it. He barely even thinks about it, not even a mention until he meets with Stannis on top of the Wall:

“Your brother was the rightful Lord of Winterfell. If he had stayed home and done his duty, instead of crowning himself and riding off to conquer the riverlands, he might be alive today. Be that as it may. You are not Robb, no more than I am Robert.”

The harsh words had blown away whatever sympathy Jon might have had for Stannis. “I loved my brother,” he said.

(ASOS, Jon XI)

And that’s literally all we get that is specifically about Robb’s death - the rest of Jon’s chapters, his guilt and grief is about the loss of all his siblings, and the idea of stealing Winterfell from them. It doesn’t really make sense for him to not think about it at all, considering how close they were. This reminds me of how he has a non-reaction to Sansa’s marriage to Tyrion as well, as talked about in this post by @agentrouka-blog. Part of this could be Jon’s tendency towards denial and suppression of all his feelings, but it also points to GRRM explicitly obscuring his reaction - perhaps because he’s going to explore it in the wake of another brother dying a very similar death? One that this time he’ll be there to witness?

[spnshameblog]

Ok, i'm trying to keep this short, but knowing myself thats not gonna happen.

So i got an anon asking me "do you hate j*red, if yes why?" Which i wont reply to directly bc it had no asterisk in it. Im kinda confused why i got this ask tbh? As far as i remember i only made one comment about him, but oh well.

Very short answer: no

Slightly longer answer: i dont spend enough time thinking about him to actively hate him.

Long answer: i dont think he is a bad person and i actually dont think he is a bad actor per se, but i simply do not vibe with the man. I dont claim to know him, what is going on in his head or what his relationship to his costars is. I can only go off the things i see. Ive seen his mental health charity. ive seen him be mostly friendly with fans, which i actually commend him for. I vividly remember how fans treated Gen for years, idk if that wouldnt poison me against my own fanbase (but this goes for all of them. People are horrible to the wives and children and they still manage to give fans the benefit of the doubt).

He has a history of doxxing ppl (retail workers) for stupid stuff and risks them losing their jobs.

He is making it his mission to ruin other peoples takes, most notably misha, but other guest stars have talked about this too. The stuff we see in gag reels are the funniest parts of his bits and according to pretty much everyone his bits go on for hours. Now there is having a laugh with your colleagues and there is making other peoples lives harder. Ive talked about it in my other post, i do not like the dynamic of him as someone who is basically unfireable ruining the takes of guest stars and ppl like misha who were already deemed expendable before. He also has pulled money related pranks at multiple occasions. Now i know all of them are TV stars, probably agreed to this and i have no idea what their finances are like, but pranks concerning actual money is just crossing a line for me personally.

This might be a misinterpretation, but other ppl have noticed it, too. He doesnt seem as invested or interested in his characters fate as other ppl (jensen, misha, mark s) and that may just be him realising he is a main character on a subpar show, but he has seemed detached from sam for years now and has, to my knowledge, even thought about quitting acting completely before getting the w*lker role. Idk if Sams lack of consistent arcs and characterisation caused his disinterest or if its the other way round, but its something i keep thinking about.

Also theres the thing with him getting arrested for assault which im not going to talk about bc i didnt look into it much bc it upsets me lol.

In summary: i dont think hes a bad person, but i think he is very privileged and rarely thinks about the consequences of his actions and his fans will not even allow the slightest bit of criticism and will constantly refer to his mental health history as an excuse, which is super insulting and unfair. Also the venn diagram of his fans and w*nc*sties is very close to a circle. If i need to explain to you why thats bad i dont know how to help you. Im not saying hes responsible for the way his fans behave, but he does attract weird ppl, sorry.

[zeravmeta]

Ok so, my thoughts on the VR ending and VR overall as the 6th entry.

Also because most of my thoughts aren't...complimentary im editing the names so they dont appear in the general tag. This also got LONG so readmore.

The Good:

- A//i's character still managed to be the one thing that saves VR as a show for me. Even with all the weird...contradictory plot issues, A//i still manages to be a compelling character who brings up the question of the right to live. I actually do like how he made it so itd be an ultimatum that he loses in either way, even if the ending kinda ruins the weight behind the action (which I will get to in a bit).

The meh:

-the ending was left somewhat open to interpretation which for a show as...empty as this was works out but honestly it was so vague as to A//is fate is that it may as well not exist.

The Bad:

-The main conflict behind the entire show is...simulations. No joke. Every conflict in the show can be traced back to someone doing a simulation and deciding to lose it. Even if they gave the (rather stupid) explanation that AI experience simulations like actual life (which btw the first villain wasnt an AI so this reason doesnt work), the fact that Yu//sa//ku took a bullet for one of A//is robot bodies that he literally has millions of is...just stupid and there solely for the "uwu drama".

-They actually killed A//i off but wait hes actually alive, so like the final duel literally had no purpose aside from...drama??? The episode is called Compromise and yet A//i had to lose just to keep Yu//sa///kus win streak and theres no compromise whatsoever. Yu//sa//ku litetally destroys the CompromA.I.se card so its just, no comrpomise in any way.

-This....wasn't a happy ending??? I have no idea why both the show and the fanbase frame this as a happy ending bc think about it in context: A//i pretty much loses everything, so does Yu//sa//ku who just isolated himself from everyone else for 3 months in order to comb the network for whatever remnants of A//i exist.

- So many of the supporting characters are just...there. Like, there is no side/supporting character who actually has a character arc in this show. Lets go through the list: Ao//i is pretty much the same character as when she started and goes through 2 unnecessary costume changes for a character growth that isnt there because she has literally ONE victory against an opponent that was stated multiple times to be weak and faulty and have her lose and tortured multiple times for no reason whatsoever, G//o had this weird deterioration that may have lead to something but ultimately didn't, Ak//ira is pretty much the same, J//in has ALL HIS TRAUMA ERASED SO THERES THAT, literally the only side characters who have some sembalnce of an arc are Sho//ichi (the best one anyways) from his "betrayal" in S2, and E//ma with her reconciliation with her brother. Outside of that, nothing. Yu//sa//ku, Re//volv//er and Ho//mu//ra are pretty much the only characters with an arc and even then they're not too solid? Which brings me to-

- Yu//sa//ku has been so wildly ooc since the end of S1. Ive seen so many say that his enphasis on bonds and friendship are character growth but actually looking at the sequence of events he suddenly just like. changes completely around his first duel with Ea//rth. Plus, the message of "revenge is good" was always so weird? Like, he got his revenge so all his trauma is ok now and never brought up or explored again aside from within the first 20 episodes. Theres nothing about it after that and its never built upon. The whole point of a revenge arc is to show that its BAD and yet he starts preaching that revenge is wrong AFTER he successfully gets revenge??? And even then its not exactly a revenge as it is more lashing out since it was Ko//ga//mi who was behind it all. Yu//sa/ku was definitely at his strongest characterization in S1 where we see how badly the Lo//st Incid//ent hurt him but S1 had its own share of problems that led into S2 and so many random plot threads that never went anywhere (such as the Anot//her Incid//ents, the Cy//berse deck being irl despite that A//i didnt have a physical body before then, The Bl//ue Mai//den meetup that was repeated by Nao//ki like 10 times in S2 which seemed to be leading up to something but never did, and the fact that theres 4 recap episodes in S1 already spelled some early problems). So much of the supporting cast function to just say "he turned this whole situation around...with ONE card..." i kid you not watch back every Yu//sa//ku duel I GUARANTEE you'll see someone saying hes a great duelist and serve only that purpose. ALSO THE END OF THE SHOW IS JUST MORE DRAMA?? They make him suffer for no reason other than that they can??? What purpose does his suffering at the end serve aside from just "uwu...poor baby..."???

-Re//volv//er is not a good rival. At all. He's so incredibly bland because much like Yu//sa//ku he was at his strongest characterization in S1 where he actually had some solid motivation in continuing his fathers work and being unable to accept that his dad was evil, yet most of that just flies out the window with all the collateral he's willing to inflict with the K//O//H?? All his character amounts too post S1 is "yeah i told you robots are evil and YOU didnt believe me". The most we got of him growing out of this mindset was calling A//i by his name exactly one time and nothing ever again. Also the fact that in the end we see him and his crew working for S//O//L despite the fact that they were gonna turn themselves in for their crimes just. leaves a rotten taste in my mouth. hes not a good rival at all. All he proves to me is that a good design can get anyone to like a character.

- Ho//mu//ra is...there. I literally cant say anything about him because he absolutely has the strongest motivations of the three but then the show jumps through hoops to push him to the back of the other two. He also has a bunch of early victories I do feel are undeserved (ESPECIALLY the A//oi duel that one pissed me off so much). Also the fact that the show just made him Yu//sa//kus friend immediately whereas it took Sho//ichi several months to get Yu//sa//ku to warm up to him just had me :/.

-The speed duels were a cool concept but they just became these huge cheat fests? Seriously Play//Maker uses StAccess literally every speed duel to pull out a new monster from whatever plot holes the writers need to patch up. I am not kidding. You can go back to every single speed duel Yu//sa//ku was in and youll see this. Skills just werent a good mechanic because when a protag pulls a new card its supposed to be representative of some growth/characterization but he stays the same pretty much throughout the entire show up until S2 where he wildly just switches personality. Plus the fact that Que//en could literally use a skill whenever just shows that it was cheating???

- The villains were overall lackluster. Boh//man was the best because Re//volv//er is just flat whereas A//i struck me more as an anti hero. And again: simulations are the enemy. Light//ning ran one and decided to go ham. Kog//ami ran one and decided to go ham. A//i ran one and decided to go ham. The conflicts are all the same and it just makes things happen rather than following a consistent plot thread? I will say that Boh//mans characterization of a hive mind to become perfect does strike my tastes but thats more my personal preference in villains rather than any merit he has.

- This is a bit of a personal pet peeve but I've seen some of the praise to this show about being the "darkest Y//G//O to date so therefore its good" and im just...no? Edge does not make a good show and just because they lightly focused on the tragedy in Yu//sa//kus life (and it IS lightly because its barely touched upon after mid S1) most of the stuff that happens in this show is pretty tame in comparison? The most that happened here was an attempted global hack of everyones minds from S2 and destroying the internet in S1, with a few references to the torture that happened during the Lo//st incid//ent. To compare: the previous series had this huge interdimensional war that, even if they could reverse the carding of people (which makes Den//nis' attempted suicide even more tragic), ended with an entire dimensions full of brainwashed soldier children, a dimension with huge class inequality that was still being heavily worked upon since there were canonically slaves, and a dimension that was savaged by a genocide and total global destruction. Hell, the series before that had a huge war where the arc actually did focus on the tragedys the characters faced and held consequence (even if they pulled a dbz revive everyone at the end). And as far back into the very first series there were even more graphic depictions of war and death? Idk i feel like people are overplaying the edge here just to find a way to complement this show.

Overall:

I'm...genuinely dissappointed. VR really had so many strong starting points but it all just fell apart at execution. Really the only reason I even bothered to watch it as kong as I did was because Im a longtime fan of the series and wanted to give it a chance rather than jump on whatever love/hate train the show has. Its been rated poorly on the JP side and most of the approval is a vocal minority. Just to be clear: this isnt me bashing the show, my opinions are mine and you can agree or disagree to any capacity, and even if a show isnt well written you can still find a reason to enjoy it despite the flaws.

But if Im being perfectly honest? I do not like this show. It's rushed, choppy, has no consistent or clear plot threads, most of the genuinely interesting characters are wasted for the protagonist to look better and he never really does because he ALSO has an interesting idea behind him but it never goes anywhere. It started strong but ended so poorly. Id be angry but im more dissappointed because Ive watched this show from day 1 and wanted to see the good things it has rather than focus on the negatibes but. yeah. This show really had potential and yet it just fell flat.

[fuckthis-and-fuckthat]

His loss, My gain. PART 5

JokerXChubby reader

Summary- Not saying anything bc I’ll give it away!

Warning- No smut this time. It’s very triggering. Talk of self harm and suicide attempts. Please don’t read if you are triggered. Angtssyyyy! Don’t worry, it gets better next chapter. 

A/N- I made J like super soft but also super mean and rough. I love playing with the different sides if him and how the reader fucks with his head and heart. Not quite sure if the Joker has ever cried, but in my story he does! Well, not like ball out cry, just a tear. Also, I made Harley like a super bitch in here. I love her too death, though.

Part 1- https://1-800-kill-me-im-gay.tumblr.com/post/173544548545/his-loss-my-gian

Part 2- https://1-800-kill-me-im-gay.tumblr.com/post/173576126505/his-loss-my-gain-part-2

Part 3- https://1-800-kill-me-im-gay.tumblr.com/post/173650770775/his-loss-my-gain-part-3

Part 4- https://1-800-kill-me-im-gay.tumblr.com/post/173740290955/his-loss-my-gain-part-4

Part 6- https://1-800-kill-me-im-gay.tumblr.com/post/173765326075/his-loss-my-gain-part-6

Tagging- @haileysarahmarie @xxqueenwxtchxx @indifitel6661

@i-m-p-a-l-a-6-7 @lovermrjoker

So, I completely forgot to tag you @indifitel6661 but, the masterlist is up there^^^

Joker’s point of view.

Joker’s point of view.

She was driving me crazy. Her smell was on my clothes, in the bed, in my office. It’s like she ripped herself apart and placed pieces of her inside of me. I need to get her out and soon. The sooner we get the show on the road, the sooner she won’t feel anything and she’ll be numb. If she feels nothing for me, I won’t feel for her. 

I couldn’t even look at her as I walked by her. If I did, I’d lose my hair and flip the tables. My head was turning and I couldn’t think of anything but her, and I needed to clear my head. I texted Lucas and told him to bring around the car. 

Right as we walked out the house, my feet stopped in their tracks, meeting faces with a very pale woman with red and blue hair. Harley. I nearly spat at her and killed her, but also curious to what she wanted. Grabbing her by the hair, I slammed her into the back of the black SUV.

Pulling out my gun, I aimed it at her head, making her frown. “Whatcha’ doin’ pointing a gun at me, puddin’!?” She squeaked. I surely did not miss that obnoxious voice and accent. 

“Why are you here?” I growled, pressing the gun against her head. 

“I heard yah replaced me, puddin’! I couldn’t sit here and do nun! come ooooonnn, didn’t yah miss me, daddy?”

I didn’t miss her, but she was exactly what I needed to get my mind off if Y/N. I looked down at my phone when it buzzed, noticing it was a message from Fost.

-Y/N left. Brick took her to her apartment and to her editor. Said they wouldn’t be back for an hour or two.

I growled and threw my phone across the car. Opening the door, I stepped out onto the side walk in front of the house since we never left. How did I miss Y/N leave? Grabbing Harley by her hair, I dragged her into the penthouse and up to my room, pushing her on her knees.

“Show daddy how much you missed him.” What am I doing!? I was screaming at myself for doing this, but it had to be done. I was falling too hard for Y/N and I needed Harley to get my mind off of her. Although, it is true I hate the bitch, she gave pretty good head, but not better than Y/N. No one was better than Y/N.

Growling at Harley, I ripped open my pants, pulling out my cock and shoving it in her mouth. She quickly wrapped her lips around my length, bobbing her head back and forth. 

Closing my eyes, I tried to picture something other than Y/N, but all I could think of was how perfect she was, how her mouth felt on my dick and her pussy clenching around me. I gripped Harley’s hair harder, shoving my dick into her mouth until it hit the back of her throat, making her gag. 

I looked up, meeting eyes with a pair of vibrant Y/E/C ones. There stood Y/N, eyes wide and bloodshot at the door. I wasn’t thinking clearly and didn’t think about shutting the door. Before I could do anything, she slammed the door closed, darting down the stairs. I was quick to pull Harley away, throwing her across the floor, making her scream. 

Tucking my shit back in, I ran down the stairs and to the road, watching as Y/N’s new lambo sped down the road. Screaming, I got on my phone, calling the henchman and letting them know to find Y/N and tie up Harley. 

I jumped in my car as fast as I could, going straight to Y/N’s house, finding her car there. Running upstairs, I ran through her house, finding nothing but a note on the mirror written in lipstick. 

You fucked up, J. What ever happens to me is your fault. 

Xoxo, the soon to be new Harley Quinn. 

“AAHHHHHH!” I punched the mirror, sending shards of glass flying, some cutting my knuckles. I sprinted back to the car, tracking down Y/N to the chemical plant. My knuckles were bleeding all over the steering wheel and were squeezed tight as I hurried there, hoping to get her in time before she does anything stupid. 

Hopping out of the car, I run into the building, finding the stairs and jumping up them, finding Y/N standing at the edge. “You come near me and so help me, I’ll kill you.” She says, holding up a gun, I notice how blood drips down her arm, dripping underneath her long sleeve Shirt.

“Y/N, please, baby. Put down the gun and come to me.” My voice was soft and trembly, filled with nothing but emotion.

“DON’T CALL ME ‘BABY’! You think you can call me that and try and sweet talk me after I walk in on you with your dick in some sluts throat!?” She lets out a maniac laugh, scratching her head with the gun. “Down Harley Quinn’s throat.” 

I take a deep breath, stepping toward her to where I can pull up the sleeve of her shirt. She lets me pull up her sleeve, smearing blood over carved leters reading “I hate myself.” Pulling over the other sleeve, there’s a huge gash down the middle of her forearm and is dripping blood heavily. 

I feel my Herat break in my chest at the sight if her. Blood dripping from her arms. I could feel everything inside of me break. The wall I built around my heart came crashing down and for the first time in years, a tear slipped down my cheek. The thought of me breaking her killed me. I couldn’t watch this girl...the girl that I was falling desperately...who I was IN LOVE with die. Not over me and not over Harley. 

Y/N’s eyes closed, wobbling lightly, but not enough to lose her grip on the gun. I tried smacking it out of hand, but she twirled it in her hand, hitting me with the handle. I grunted, moving my hand to my now bloody lip. I was trying to hold my composure, to not let anger take over me. I felt my eyes stare as she went completely insane. And then a tear fell.

“you think you can manipulate me with a fucking tear and try to take my gun....don’t, don’t you think you’ve hurt me enough?” Y/N took a deep breath, trying to steady her breathing and keep her eyes open. She was probably about to pass out form the blood loss, or die. “You know what, J? I love you. I’m...I’m in love with you. And If you cared...about me...” I watched as she stepped to the edge “you’d save me.” I reached for her arm, but was too late, she was already over the edge, falling into the bubbling acid. 

I grunted, walking backwards, thinking about leaving her, but I rip off my jacket.

Jumping in after her. I hit the acid, slightly burning my skin, swimming to the bottom and grabbing a hold of her and dragging her to the top. I took a gasp for  air, expecting Y/N to do th same, but she didn’t. I looked around us, noticing black swirling in the yellowish chemicals. I brushed my lips against hers, again, expecting her to make up, but she didn’t. Pressing down harder, the taste of chemicals envaded my mouth, still not waking Y/N. 

“J!” Looking up, I saw frost and my henchmen coming in. 

“Frost! Get us out! She’s not waking up!” I growled angrily, kicking over to the side and started to push Y/N up, letting the henchman grab her. I climbed out of  the chemicals, falling on to my knees beside of Y/N. “Come on, baby. I need you to wake up.” I looked up at frost eyes wide with desperation, somthing he’s never seen before...something I never felt before. 

“What happened, J?” 

“Harley happened. I couldn’t get my mind off of Y/N so I used Harley and she caught us. Then she said that she’d be here....and then....” I motioned towards her, my breathing ragid. 

“Why isn’t she waking up? Harley woke up.” Frost was looking confused, pressing his fingers to Y/N’s neck, finding her pulse. 

“Her wrists are slit.” 

“That explains why there’s barely a pulse. She lost a lot of blood. We need a hospital, J. Now.”

We barged into the hospital, Y/N in my arms, limp. Frost started screaming for a doctor, making multiple rush to us, stopping as soon as they saw who it was. 

“Save her and you won’t die.” I growled, placing Y/N on the bed. “Do I...make myself clear?” I pointed my gun at her as she nodded her head. “Good....now, she has a slit wrist and she jumped into acid. Now.....do your job...and save her.” The lady cut of Y/N’s top off and I watched as her lace clad breast came into view. Forcing my eyes away, I watched as she peeled her shirt off of her body, pulling it away from the dried blood. The cut was deep and thick, and the other arm with the letters craved into it was still bleeding a little.

“We need to hook her up to Iv’s and have a blood transfusion. If she looses too much blood then we’ll lose her for good. Sir, do you know her blood type?”

“A+.” I answered. How I knew, that’s a funny question. I had a file on her, I knew everything about her, I studied it day 

“I need an A+ and the Iv’s. Hook her up. She should be awake in an hour or two once we get her set up.”

Frost and I went home so I could change and get Y/N clothes so we could get her once she woke up. Frost’s phone started to ring and he answered it, a look of concern washing over his face.

“Sir, Y/N’s gone. It was the bat.”

[wilberdojo]

The Battle Wits Can’t Win

Based off of this post by @enygmass  (Please read that first so you don’t go into this story blind.)

Warnings: Angst, cancer, depression, self-starvation, self-injury, death.

This story is pretty depressing and caused me to cry multiple times while writing and editing it. As such, I’d really like to thank my test reader @jrae2015 for powering through it to make sure there weren’t any errors I may have missed.

While he had always hated hospitals, now they were nothing short of unbearable to him. The walls were blindingly white as he walked down the corridor, thinking of how quickly the events had transpired. Edward Nygma had called him, voice shaking, terrified and on the verge of crying. He told him where to go, and Jonathan Crane did not hesitate to oblige. That's what brought him here. He could hardly even remember the drive.

The door was open. He thought it strange that police weren't there to guard the obvious villain in the hospital. He heard a sob break the atmosphere of coughing and beeping machines. The only reason he even paid attention to the small sound was because it came from Edward’s room.

Edward was not much for crying. Sure, he did it, as all people do, but never publicly if he could avoid it. Something had to have happened to make him cry as openly as this. The question was what?

Jonathan didn't ask, he simply walked in and looked over his chart. He recognized the words from his studies and quickly figured out the meaning.

Edward Nygma had brain cancer, and this time, there were no Lazarus Pits to save him.

The news hit Jonathan hard, like a ton of bricks smashing into him all at once. He felt lightheaded, yet hypersensitive. His stomach felt bottomless, yet in his throat. He felt sick, even though it wasn't his own diagnosis. He looked up, and his eyes met the red, tearful, droopy eyes of the Riddler, now at the mercy of what will be his deteriorating brain.

Jonathan put the clipboard back and sat down in a chair beside him.

“I'm here,” were the only words muttered between them. “I'm here…”

There was a knock at the door, pulling Edward away from his book to look into the eyes of Jonathan Crane, ones that were no longer cold and uncaring, yet still carried a sharp softness to them.

“Riddle me this. What's in my pocket?”

Edward rolled his eyes.

“You know that's not a real riddle. It's a question, not a riddle.”

“Well, your saying sounds much better than ‘Question me this.’”

“Touché.”

They both chuckled lightly as Jonathan made his way into the room, pulling a piece of candy from his pocket and handing it to the genius.

“You're spoiling me, Jon.”

“You were already spoiled.”

Jonathan sat down beside his friend.

“You don't have to stay.”

“I'm aware of that.”

“Yet you choose to stay in a hospital, a building that, if I remember correctly, you despise.”

“You do remember correctly.”

“Then why?”

“You think yourself not enough reason for me to stay?”

Edward opened his mouth to say something but found himself speechless from the last remark. He had to think on that. He had to do much more thinking lately. His mind was slow, and his remarks slower. Jonathan had noticed, he was certain.

“Was that a compliment?”

“Basically, yes.”

“Thank you.”

“You're welcome.”

There was a short silence. Edward returned to his book, and Jonathan pulled out his own to read.

“‘Soon again I heard the tapping, somewhat louder than before.’”

“The Raven, Edgar Allen Poe.”

“‘There is nothing like looking, if you want to find something… You certainly usually find something, if you look, but it is not always quite the something you were after.’”

“The Hobbit, J.R.R. Tolkien.”

“‘It is my belief… That the truth is generally preferable to lies.’”

A moment of silence.

“Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire, J. K. Rowling.”

“‘Life is much more successfully looked at from a single window.’”

A longer silence.

“I'm… I'm not sure.”

There was a sense of urgency, of fear in his voice. Jonathan can always pinpoint fear.

“The Great Gatsby, F. Scott Fitzgerald.”

“I'm forgetting…”

“Everyone forgets books they haven't read in years.”

“Not me…”

When Jonathan came to the room, the door was closed and a doctor was standing guard. The doctor gave him a look, and Jonathan realized immediately what was going on.

It took a few minutes before they left, sure that Edward was going to be alright. Jonathan walked in and sat beside him, as always, and put a hand over Edward’s shaking one. Edward wasn't conscious, but his body was weak, tired, and unable to rest.

He woke up a couple hours later, Jonathan reading a book and still holding his hand. Edward rolled onto his back.

“How are you feeling?”

“Like shit. You?”

“Afraid.”

Edward looked at his friend, who had put the book down and had attention focused on him.

“You're never afraid.”

“I am, for you.”

“You don't need to be. It was just a nap.”

“I've been here since they were helping you through the seizure. Don't lie to me, Edward.”

Edward went silent, then looked away from his friend.

“I have every right to be afraid, and honestly I am terrified.”

“I finally scared the scarecrow.”

Jonathan opened his mouth to yell but stopped himself. He wanted to scream at him for making jokes at a time like this, but Jonathan knew that was how he coped. He held his tongue and mustered up a different response.

“Another impossibility made possible by the mighty Riddler.”

The staff was afraid to enter the room. They knew for certain that neither Edward Nygma or Jonathan Crane had eaten for three days. Jonathan refused to leave until Edward woke up, and that meant for anything. They had switched out Edward's IV to accommodate for the lack of nutrition, but they weren't sure what to do for Jonathan. They had an idea but weren't certain it would work.

When the nurse came in with two trays, Jonathan lifted an eyebrow.

“This is a single room.”

“I know. The second tray is for you.”

The nurse handed him the tray and he eyed it suspiciously.

“Eat. We know you haven't for days. It's complimentary.”

There was a moment of silence between them as she set the tray on a small stand for Edward, in case he woke up soon.

“Thank you.”

The nurse blinked in surprise, then smiled as she nodded at him. Jonathan began to eat once she had left the room.

Edward’s mental deterioration was at a one-to-one ratio for Jonathan’s physical deterioration. Jonathan was now a full-time resident of Gotham General Hospital and stayed permanently in the chair beside Edward. He was weaker from the lack of exercise and sleepless nights and would have days where he wouldn't eat.

Edward would have episodes of sleeping days on end, and Jonathan, in turn, would not leave for anything and refused to sleep, prompting nurses to advise him rest and bring him food. Edward was slowly forgetting how he used to speak with Jonathan, his mental dictionary slowly being ripped away, page after page.

What scared Jonathan most, however, were the seizures. He had witnessed three already this month, each stronger than the last.

It had gotten to the point he'd just deal with it himself before paging the nurse, turning Edward on his side and gently holding his spazzing hand, whispering sweet nothings to hopefully relax him as he rode it out. After each one, Edward would regain consciousness long enough to say he was awake, and that he was going to take a nap.

The last nap lasted twenty-four hours.

The worst part was, Jonathan knew this was only the beginning.

When Jonathan returned from the cafe, Edward was crying. This wasn't an abnormal sight, but it still hurt Jonathan to see him like this. There was nothing he could do to help, and he knew it. The Riddler had fallen, and there was no rope long enough to help him back up. He walked over and gently put a hand on his shoulder.

“Don't touch me!”

Jonathan flinched, stepping back.

“This is all your fault! You should have done something, Jon! Why didn't you do something?!”

Jonathan said nothing, staying silent as Edward reared up more.

“You're a doctor! You should have been able to tell! You should have been able to prevent this! What, do you hate me? Did you want me to die, Jon?”

“I never wanted that…”

“Then why didn't you do something?”

Edward’s tone had softened to one of fear and sadness. Jonathan understood why. For a moment, they sat in silence. After a few minutes, Edward spoke up.

“Jon?”

“Hm?”

“I'm sorry…”

Jonathan sighed.

“Me too…”

Edward had been staring at Jonathan for an uncomfortably long time, but Jonathan said nothing, simply holding Edward’s hand and rubbing the back of it with a circling thumb. Edward’s mind was going more and more each passing day, and Jonathan was terrified. Edward could no longer solve riddles, not even simple ones. For most; the vocabulary was lost on him. Edward had forgotten his past, who his father was, what he was like, to which Jonathan had simply told him, “He was a bad man.”

Edward was now staring at Jonathan the way he stared at the riddle book; confused and forgetful.

“What's wrong?”

“You.”

“Me?”

“I don't remember meeting you. I remember us being friends, but I don't remember meeting you.”

Jonathan frowned. He knew it'd happen eventually, but not yet. Years of his life were being chipped away, one memory at a time, and he was helpless to it. Jonathan wished he could help, but the memory wouldn't last.

“We had to have met to become friends.”

“Well, yeah. Of course. I just can't remember it.”

Jonathan was stoic in front of his friend, but that isn't to say that was his common state of being. He would go to sit in his truck before having his outbursts of rage and hopelessness. He'd cry and punch the wheel, coming back with his cheeks puffy and hands bruised. Edward knew what he was doing, but couldn't find words enough to comfort him. Words were nearly completely lost to him. There wasn't much he could say any more. His vocabulary was now limited to mostly ten words. None of them, he regretted, were his friend’s name.

Jonathan looked at him. He could tell he wanted to say something but couldn't figure it out. That was something he really hated. The Riddler always knew what he wanted to say. This wasn't right, not at all. The least this monster infection could have done was leave his friend able to speak.

Edward stared at Jonathan with pleading eyes and weakly lifted his hand, which Jonathan took. He felt Edward write on the back of his hand with a finger, the only way he could say what he wanted to say.

You need sleep.

“I'm alright.”

You need help.

“I'll handle it. You should get some rest.”

Edward frowned. He could always tell when Jonathan was lying. Now was no exception.

Edward could no longer move that so-crucial finger that helped them communicate beyond the failure of his lips. He’d look dead if it weren't for the tear-filled eyes staring at the ceiling. Jonathan rubbed the back of his hand with a thumb, staring hopelessly at the ground. It wouldn't take much longer now, and they both knew it. It was only a matter of time.

A time neither were wanting to come.

When it ended, it was sudden. Jonathan was talking to Edward, mentioning poets he had loved and muttering their writings to him. He froze mid-word when the ECG flatlined. He pressed the call button before he had even realized it, and stood over Edward, staring into his green eyes that unblinkingly gazed at the ceiling. He was doing compressions already when the doctors arrived.

The world seemed to slow. He watched the doctors take over. He listened to the charging of the defibrillator and then watched Edward arch at the release of electricity into his body. The world felt fake. It was as if he was the only living person viewing a movie from the center. It was a horror movie, one he couldn't escape. One Edward couldn't escape. The doctors raised the voltage and tried again. However, Edward never took another breath. He had lost to the battle wits can't win.

Jonathan was famous for being stoic, but few thought he would keep this mask on the day of the public funeral. Police came to calm the crowds of people in green but promised to leave villains paying respects alone. Jonathan was in black, a straight face, more resembling a grim reaper than a scarecrow, and came to the casket’s side. As he looked down at the frozen face of his dear friend, he felt ill. He felt fake. The world was frozen and nothing existed.

Selina Kyle had seen Jonathan collapse and slowly helped him to his seat. She didn't have to ask to know he hadn't slept in far too long. He wouldn't have responded anyway. She looked at his hands, blood seeping through the bandages from where he had cut himself smashing all his liqueur bottles, and smelled heavily of the smoke from burning all the cartons of cigarettes he owned.

Edward had always complained of Jonathan’s unhealthy habits. It pained, no, angered him to keep their advocates in his house any longer. Jonathan only wished Edward was alive to see this turn of habits.

Jonathan rose and went to the podium with a prepared speech when he was asked to say a few words. He looked over the crowd, then back at the paper on the podium. Suddenly, he was a professor again, only this time teaching the life of his dear friend to his audience of villains, civilians, and law enforcement. He only got a third of the way through before everything melted away, and Jonathan had trailed off into silence. He stared at the casket. How had this happened? What more could he have done? There was so much wrong with the world. Could he have made it right?

Jonathan was not much for crying. Sure, he did it, as all people do, but never publicly if he could avoid it. Something had to have happened to make him cry as openly as this. The death of the Riddler was more than enough.

Selina stood and escorted him back to his seat as Oswald rose to finish Jonathan’s speech for him. Jonathan was angry and confused, just as much as he was devastated. Selina was unable to calm him.

Once the service ended, Jonathan returned to his truck alone. He sat in the driver’s seat and stared blankly at the wheel. It all seemed fake. All of this. Was this another master plan of the Riddler’s? One set to clear his name so he could retire? No. Jonathan would have known if it was. Edward wouldn't have put him through this. He wouldn't have forced him to watch his closest friend die if he, himself, wasn't afraid. Jonathan had been his comfort the past year and a half, as the man slowly drifted into the abyss. Jonathan missed him greatly, and that was a fact he couldn't deny. How could he deny it when he was driving to one of Edward’s old traps just to get a vision of the Riddler one last time?

[kathryncalls]

springboarding out of the friend zone

Yes, terrible title I know, but theres something I need to type out, something I need to air. Now I write this, it’s so horrendously typical but I’m still typing so lets see whether I can answer my own questions by writing it out. I feel like everyone else on the internet writes stuff that no one ever reads and it helps, so now its my turn.

I am so confused but so happy but so worried about getting my hopes up. Earlier I said that I’m so excited that I’m almost scared, and I know it’s because it’s too good to be true! You’re you and I still don’t know what that means. But you’ve been this ideal thing that I’ve always pushed aside in my mind, wanted to text because I just love speaking to you but have forced myself not to because we’re too good friends. Never in my life have I suppressed feelings because I genuinely couldn’t lose someone. If this weekend would never have happened then I don’t think I would’ve ever said anything. I know I’ve said 100 times that I don’t like her, but at the end of the day, if she was making you happy then I’m ok with that. It made me happy to hear you say that you were cutting the strings with her, I feel like you really do want me, which is so cool, honestly, it’s so surreal, and it’s stupid to say it’s surreal because surely surreal is going into freaking space, I don’t know it feels stupid to call it that either way. You told me how attractive you found me last night, which was adorable, I like that side of you, and I want to see more of it, but I’m still finding it weird. I want you be with you so much, and its something that Ive known would make me happy for a long time but it’s truly something that I’ve suppressed for years which feels weird to say, but I think that’s why I’m finding it weird to call you something less personal and stuff like that, and also to tell you how attractive I find you and what exactly I love about you. Ok, another thing, this is weird because at this point, we should be finding out about each other and getting to know one another, not telling you what I love about you, but because I’ve classed you as my friend for at least 18 months, I feel like we’ve jumped ahead 3 months… Its weird, I want you to take me on a date, but I don’t because its you, its us, but our first date would be so funny, so much fun, you make me laugh, you bring out the worst in me and your bring out the best, you make me happy to be me which is quite something. With him I felt like I was being someone that I was telling myself I wanted to be a little bit. He didn’t treat me like I wanted to be, but I held on and Im not sure why to be honest. I like to be treated like a princess, lets not lie, but I don’t like to be pandered too, I like to be strong in myself, I don’t want to be a house wife (that wasn’t a proposal, hypothetically) but at the same time, I want to cook you a nice meal for when you finish work, or iron your uniform whilst youre in the shower so you don’t have too. Im not a chocolates and flowers girl, Im a leave a note somewhere kind of girl, send me something that reminds me of us. I like to be a real unit with whoever I dedicate myself too, and I really do, when I dedicate myself to someone, now I know that you don’t do clingy, and I might end up coming across that way, its linked to the whole, me sounding pessimistic thing. I’m really really not feeling negative about any of this. I just do not want to screw it up, I can’t, for so many reasons! I can’t lose you as a friend regardless of what happens romantically between so I need to be careful how I tread here because I’m not prepared to lose you. See as I write that and think about it, maybe this is a bad idea because youre not as worried about our friendship as I am, you don’t seem to have these worries which could be such a bad sign, but at the same time, maybe its because you know exactly what you want? Another thing, you’ve told me multiple times that you’ve cheated before, never anything too serious but still, I cant cope with anyone doing that to me, let alone you, how am I supposed to maintain a friendship post breakup if you do that to me, I almost don’t want to give you the chance too…

Another thing. Distance. Realistically, we’ve both done long distance, and you say that the reason you cheated on her was because she wasn’t right, but you didn’t know that to start with, but now youre so sure, which is amazing, and I love that you think I’m right and that this is right, I agree so much, but again, I don’t want to ruin our friendship. ah shit I hate this feeling. And I keep having this argument with myself about whether its perfect or awful timing so here, pros and cons.

Great timing: You’re about to come home from spending 18 months in Spain, you’re not gonna be living at home, you’re probably going to be in London, you’ve got a job, you’re basically set

Awful timing: youre about to start your career, I’m about to move away from London, I’m about to go back into training, you might be miles away from London, our timetables might not match up

If you haven’t already got the jist, I am not letting this end sourly.

ah shit.

Anyway, finally, why I think you’re great: very intelligent, mature but immature, sociable, lovable, loved by mother, confident, amazing sense of humour, understands my love for the arts, cheeky, emotional, genuine, incredible gentleman and so so sexy, I don’t care how cringe it is, no ones gonna read this

we’re apart for valentines day too, which is weird because thatd be a great first date for us.. so do I send a card as a cute little joke, a serious card, or do I not even mention it? You know how much I want you to make all the first moves, I want to be asked out on date, I wanted to be kissed first, I want to be told I’m loved first ( a long way down the line)

Basically I just want to be excited about this and not have a million reasons why we cant do this cross my mind

we can do this,

no one is stopping us

theres no one to look over our shoulders when its just us, we live in the same town so visiting family together and Christmas wouldn’t be an issue

ahh stop taking everything so seriously, I try and run before I can walk, I think that’s where all the making the first move thing comes from, I don’t know

right now the best thing I could think to be doing is just isolating ourselves, running off to a city somewhere and submerging ourselves, without people watching, like you said, without people wondering why we look so happy, why I laugh at everything you say, why we lock eyes and pause for a little too long, (that’s another thing, when we went for lunch that time at Christmas, we kept locking eyes for just a few seconds too long, and please, I put a fucking dress on for you, you wore a suit, could’ve been taken as signs but I genuinely think we both, well I know for me this is the case, but I reckon we’ve deeply suppressed stuff for so long)

Ok ok, you wanna know when it really hit me that I wanted you for real… when you told me about A. Honestly. You’ve always been the one I’ve thought about when I felt shit in a relationship or when I’m alone, I mean please, ask K, he was sick of hearing about you no doubt, but I did love being with K before things got really hard, but that night when you told me about A in the pub, you know me so well, that ive no idea how you didn’t literally hear my heart sink. but again, supressed to and opted for ‘tell me more’.

I wish I could talk to you about all this, but its been a week since we kissed, that’s all, and 2 weeks ago you wanted to be single for a few years and now you want to be with me, easy for you to say when youre alone in a room in spain, homesick, will you say that when you move in with the boys and meet all the air hostesses, why the fuck do I think I can trust you? do I really think I can change you? like really? I want to think that youll dedicate yourself to me but I CANT LOSE YOU, I hope you understand how much this is paining me

you really don’t know this side of me, ive kept it from you on purpose

if I lose you I have no one

look who I turned too when I split up with H, and again with J and with K. you.

Who do I turn to when its you I split up with? Also, a huge part of my just wants a nice house out of the city where we can live together, with a puppy just us, but that's in the future...

Just come home Ben

(if anyone is still reading this, please, do share your thoughts - a very confused 20yo)

[just-another-obsessed-fangirl]

personal vent post, content may have possibility of being triggering, kind of dark, ask to tag if needed, press “j” to skip, do not reblog, not a true reflection of me but what i think during these times

im not used to dealing with anger. im used to feeling sadness, anxiety, depression, guilt, disappointment, and a lot of other negative emotions but anger is the one emotion i try to avoid. i mean i still don’t really cope with any of those feelings well but at least im able to distract myself from those relatively easier than how im dealing with anger. i hated when people were angry, not even if they were angry at me, but i would still feel the effects of it. and i was always afraid that if i was angry that i was being irrational or that i was in the wrong and the other person are actually right to be wrong. but even when i know i have a right to be angry i would still swallow it down because i wanted peace more than conflict. i never wanted anybody else to feel the horrible stuff that i always feel. but the past few weeks, all ive felt is anger and i want people to hurt like i do. petty, i know. it started when my then friend a few weeks ago made a joke about people who did not identify as the gender they were assigned at birth and simply doing it to feel special and for attention. this wasn’t the first time he had said stuff like that. i told him to stop saying that shit hundreds of times since 6th grade like joking about triggers and other things but he would still do it again, even in the same conversation. but i would swallow it down again and try to explain again and he continues to do so, even trying to justify it, multiple times with the phrase “well, fuck that” in response to why those words may be hurtful. he would even do it because he thought my anger was funny and wanted to see my reaction. and this asshole has seen me cry and have panic attacks before and he still thought that my pain was entertainment.  but a few weeks ago i was in a state of paranoia that had gone on for a few weeks and that just proved what i was worrying about at the time and that’s that all my friends hated me and only act like my friends because i’m easy to have break downs and cry at even the smallest inconvenience. and the parts of me still want to forgive him but i cant bring myself to. i want him to hurt. i want my isolation to wear away at him. i want him to suffer even harder than i have suffered from him since the first grade. after that incident, i didn’t speak to anybody for almost 3 days. i didn’t eat for 2 and my mom had to force me to eat for two weeks. my paranoia got worse. i want him to feel the pain of not trusting anything he felt, anything he heard, anybody ever tried to say to him, any interaction he ever had with anybody. i want him to constantly analyze every small action anybody ever had in response to him or while talking to him and always concluding that everybody hates him with all their being and wish that he was dead and that once he’s dead everybody would be happy and partying and forget his name after a week and that he ever existed. i want him to feel the hell that i have been going through because of him. i always wanted to be the bigger person and to avoid making people feel the horrible anxiety and thoughts that ive felt all my life, but now im selfish and cruel and bitter that it’s never helped me and that other people don’t even try to acknowledge what ive gone through or consider my position of the argument because people are so set on being right and so sure and i hate how nobody else seems to second or third or eighty seventh guess themselves and they are happily ignorant and will gloat just because i was the one who wanted to keep the peace and avoid feeling hurt myself. i would argue about factual things and give solid concrete proof they would call me the asshole because i proved it. i know this stuff might not sound like it’s making sense but im just so angry that it’s 5 am right now and maybe saying anything will get me to sleep again. 

ive started arguing my cases now and still nobody gives a shit and just want to fucking test me. ive told multiple boys in my pe class over the past few days to stop saying “triggered” and although loudly, i would explain to them why it’s shitty, especially to me. but again, they’ll still say it, and they say it even more now. they’ll come up to me and say it. they saw my anger as funny, as entertainment, like the last guy. one kid asked me if i knew the name of some famous instagram account and i said no what is it and he replied that it’s called “triggered”. i broke down crying in the middle of the fucking field. i know it seems like an extreme reaction but i have constantly told these little assholes not to say it and my trauma was trivialized to a fucking joke. i knew i meant little to people but these past few weeks im hit with even more evidence that my only purpose for everyone was entertainment brought on by my pain and what im rightfully angry for. and i know im being selfish and self important and self centered but ive tried so hard not to be my entire life for the sake of other people and also for me and the best i ever was to people were forgettable and nobody gave a shit about me or anyone else and they either saw me as annoying or saw my negative emotions and reactions as entertainment. but neither my sadness or hateful had caused anybody to realize their errors. i hope im not implying that im perfect and dont have real flaws but being angry has turned me into someone bitter and petty. i want my sadness and anger to become bullets and to painfully make holes in everyone who made them. i want them to feel pain over mine. i want them to hurt and bleed like ive done. logic or reason or human rights does not make them think, but so it seems no amount of emotion or proof make them either. they should at least hurt.  kindness has only seemed to kill me. im used to tearing off pieces of myself so people could stay whole but i cant seem to tear off anymore. i know this sounds like im just being some edgy teen or that i just want attention but im sorry i just wanted to get something off my chest without having the therapist or my school counselor needing to call my parents or a psych ward.