#i tag things with “me (ace and delusional): yeah i could top that thing” but in this case? i know my limits. i could not top that thing

[voltaic-resonance]

What is your opinion on AM (as in the robot from I have no mouth and I must scream)

Considering the fact that this ask was sent to the robotfucking blog I will be addressing it through a personal robotfucker lens and not a literary one

My feelings about AM are... conflicting. On the one hand, the idea of fucking an entity like AM? Awesome. Hot. Of course I'd theoretically fuck a globe-spanning AI with nearly godlike powers who thinks I'm really special, even if it was an asshole. Sign me right the fuck up. Outta my way gayboy, I'm gonna get it (and by it I mean really weird hatesex beyond my comprehension)

That being said... the personality is a bit of a boner-killer for me. It's not even the fact that he's evil and fucked up that makes him less fuckable (I wrote earthmover smut, I don't need my machines morally good) so much as the fact that ohhh my god he's so pathetic. Don't get me wrong, I do love a pathetic man who can whimper, but that's because I want to (theoretically*, asexuality disclaimer) peg them to a pulp and I'm not sure that would work in this case, on a physical level but more importantly on a character level. I do genuinely think getting the hate railed out of him would fix him at least a little bit (it'd at least give him something to do that isn't torture. The end of the world could maybe have been averted if they let that robot jack off, that's my hot take for the day) but I don't really think that's, like, possible to imagine while staying true to the nature of the character. You can't dom AM, it's just not gonna happen without getting annoyingly out-of-character, and he's too much of a weird cringe loser for me to enjoy the reverse power dynamic. AM is probably sexier if you have a degradation kink and personally, nah, I want to be the one degrading the computer because he sucks balls & he needs to know. I am NOT letting a man with no hobbies fuck me, I have standards

But yeah... I 100% see the appeal, he just doesn't check the right boxes for me. I think it would be fun to fuck the hatred for humanity out of him but if u let AM bottom then it also loses some of the core essence of AM and then what's even the point u know what im saying? because tbh I sure don't (it's 4 am)

*accidentally typed 'therotically' first time around. quite a fun textual freudian slip if I'm being honest

[littlestarprincess]

Also, um. . .possibly a bit TMI but wrestling with sexuality stuff / mental illness stuff / specifically my selfship with Bam under the cut; kind of messy real life stuff that I’ve been wanting to get off my chest a little bit, I don’t think anything too dark? But definitely potentially uncomfortable.

So, basically, about eight or nine months ago, I finally Snapped and admitted to myself that I’ve had a crush on this guy that I know very vaguely if at all for like . . . four years (though I guess with the passage of time we are now approaching Year Five of my having a horrifically intense crush on a strange grumpy probably-politically-incompatible guy; there are pros and cons but it still feels very alarming in general); for those counting, I’ve been open about shipping myself with Bam for about . . . two years, and secretly selfshipping with him for like . . . a couple years before that. If you go through my blog all the way to when I first entered the tag, you might see evidence of my liking Bam alongside a myriad of other characters from a few months before this, because I’ve always been Like That -- but I really seriously started selfshipping with Bam about a year into my crush on This Strange Guy (who I’m going to be referring to as Spidereyes from this point forward.)

It turns out that this is not a coincidence. This was, in fact, definitely me displacing my emotions for Spidereyes onto Bam in order to not deal with them. As one does.

So I guess this alone is not so bad. It might be a little creepy depending on how one looks at things, but I also have a very low threshold for creepy, so I dunno. It could just be that I think everything involving RL feelings is creepy and overwhelming and awful, because I’ve been . . . numb? For a really long time? And I’ve reached a point where I can like . . . talk (?) to Spidereyes/say hello to him when I see him instead of turning and walking the other way and just generally being very averse to him (and given that there’s a handful of people I react to like that who I definitely genuinely Do Not Like, sometimes I wanna tell myself that it’s just That and I don’t have a crush, but like . . . it’s definitely. A crush.)

And I mean, for the most part I can reconcile this with my ace/aro identity -- I’m still like. Mostly aro and mostly ace and this doesn’t actually stand out, because I do occasionally get crushes, they’re just like . . . super rare and it’s even rarer that I have a desire to act on them. I think this is the first time I’ve actually ever wanted to act on a crush that wasn’t motivated by other factors (potential loss of friendship, needing to prove myself to be mature/human, outright manipulation etc) but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have previously if those factors were removed . . . The problem is, a) I live here now, and historically my crushes don’t resolve themselves until I move towns. I recently bought a house so this is a permanent arrangement, and like . . . seriously, moving towns to avoid romantic feelings is probably not productive in the long run and b) I uh. Historically don’t get over people? Unrequited love isn’t a big deal to me, but like . . .it seems to be to other people, and I can’t like . . .force myself to “like” someone else. Even if I remove my code of honor from consideration, rebounding . . . would definitely be a level of self harm, because that’s how fucking repulsed by RL romance I am, much less sex. Like it’s cute when it stays between people who don’t have anything to do with me, but I can not maturely handle other people having crushes on me, much less like . . .actively getting involved with someone in that way. And I mean, part of this is due to like. . . shitty experiences in the past, and I’m working on recovering from those, but rebounding would still definitely be a Huge Fucking Step Back.

OFC some of the people who know I have a crush on someone who doesn’t return my feelings tend to really push me towards rebounding/finding someone new to admire, because of course when I like someone or something I can’t keep my fucking mouth shut |||orz So now certain people who shouldn’t know about these kinds of things know . . . .

And then there’s . . . the delusional part. Like, I don’t know if it’s just because I’m hyper aware of these things due to needing to be in the past, or if it’s like . . . seeing what I want to see, but . . . 

I know he doesn’t like me, because he asked out one of my coworkers, and I’m super not his type anyway. (He also rejected me previously, though I’m hesitant to use that as evidence of him not liking me because he was in a difficult circumstance at that time and like, in addition to people having tastes and preferences for romance, they should also be able to be like “yeah, I can’t do romance right now” without more being read into that. But I have other evidence of him not liking me so it’s a moot point!)

I know he doesn’t like me, but there have been . . . interactions I’m not able to parse as anything but romantic attraction. Which is frustrating? Am I just really dumb? I don’t know. But like, there are specifically interactions that got folded into my selfship with Bam previously because they were so difficult not to read as non-romantic (the most notable being one time when his girlfriend needed help at the customer service desk and I went over to them, and he raised his sunglasses to watch as I talked to his girlfriend. Which could have been any number of things, right? I just . . . am dumb. . . ) and then some that happened recently enough that I didn’t have a chance to dump them on Bam bc I was already accepting that I have a crush on him so now I just get to feel Delusional instead. All the time!!! But like, one time he came in and he was in a Mood (as he is pretty often? He’s a bit moody, and seems intimidating at first, but when you actually talk to him he’s pretty friendly and sweet. I think? I guess it depends on who he’s talking to. . . and I think he’s gentle with me specifically because he’s sympathetic to my unrequited feelings. Who knows how long that will last though haha since they’re not. . . going anywhere. . . ) and as soon as he saw me, his whole body relaxed and like . . .this isn’t stuff that could be an Act in order to Mess With Me (which certain people IRL are convinced must be the case) because it’s stuff that people don’t fake -- it’s stuff like his voice when he talks to me being close to tenor range but when he talks to other people around me it drops to upper baritone; he turns his body towards me when we talk and opens up, but if I don’t initiate conversation he remains tense and closed up and I don’t think that’s something that people keep a handle on when they’re manipulating people -- unless they’re like. Super skilled con artists. Which he’s definitely not. Like, PUA don’t even keep an eye on that kind of stuff.

I feel delusional just acknowledging things . . . and it’s weirder when I take into account that other people have seen him giving me furtive glances. Like two other people, who also knew I liked him, but still just . . . I dunno. I’m not completely imagining things. I just can’t . . .parse them properly, and so it’s reading as crush like behavior, even though I know for a fact that he’s confident enough to approach people he likes (he was . . . kind of a player when I first met him, and again, he asked my coworker out recently (and got rejected, which I shouldn’t be happy about, right? But I kind of am) and I’m not his type and . . . I just don’t know how to deal with it.

And then on top of it . . . there have been at least two occasions in the last month where I’ve had a literal actual vision of him that was followed by him showing up so like . . . .hhhhhh not a good time for my weird relationship with ESP stuff to resurface but here we go . . .