#i’ve got a coworker from when I was 16 that I worked with for two months

[midnight-train-of-thought]

The urge to call the random numbers in my phone from people who probably don’t remember me grows stronger every day.

But no. I must save them. For the ultimate prank.

[olderjodijournals]

Monday, November 1, 1993

 

Today was another very good day. Yesterday morning I didn’t fall asleep till nearly 11:00 and was shocked to have slept till 7 PM. There are tons of kids on this street, yet never did I hear a knock or a doorbell. Not even after I got up. I’m so grateful that I hardly ever hear kids. I sure don’t miss hearing them 24/7. The only thing that can sometimes be obnoxious is the dog next door. It’s always outside. The soundproofing stuff in windows really helps. Tom and I are gonna seal it up soon.

This Tuesday we’re having a cat here, but only temporarily. Some elderly couple he knows has 10 cats. One’s gotten fat and needs to be on a diet, so it’ll be here for a month or two.

When I got up, I danced and exercised a bit. Later, Tom set up his keyboard and we played a little of that and some guitar.

I drew a horse which he really likes. Yeah, it was a lucky shot.

Last night we baked chocolate chip cookies and we still got plenty left over. He cooked us burgers and mashed potatoes. Soon I’m gonna go zap some leftovers.

Fran called. It’s cold and snowing! They’re only two hours ahead now.

I hear Tom opening a soda.

Later...

I’m back after having a cookie and telling Tom about a great idea I came up with. The idea is to build a shelf that goes around the whole room across the middle of the wall. Maybe a foot lower than the middle (between the floor and ceiling).

Someone’s out having a good time now. I heard a car stereo. Other than that, it’s quiet and rather chilly out.

Gotta go pee now, but I’ll write more later.

Tuesday, November 2, 1993

 

Well, I got my period a few hours ago. No severe cramps thankfully.

Yesterday I did more editing.

Tammy called really early, but we were both up. She gave me the addresses of the credit card companies she owes money. I typed a letter to them for her and I will call her at 8 AM her time (later) and see if they’re OK. The letter basically says how she’s struggling and trying to find a job.

Later...

I decided I do like and prefer my phone numbers to be in a journal, rather than an address book. I’ve written stories halfway through #35, and I have decided I’m definitely sick of story writing, so the last half is phone numbers. I’ll probably write stories on and off here and there, but for the most part, I’m tired of it. They’re easier to keep in my head, rather than write them down.

I called Kim a few hours ago. She hasn’t had time, due to tons of ambulance calls, to go check on Bob. She will soon, she says. There’s definitely something wrong. Neither of us has heard a word from him.

Also, no one in my beautiful family’s tried to call, thankfully. Tammy never mentioned anything the last time we spoke, so nothing too exciting’s going on, I guess.

My parents will never send my other guitar, let alone my pictures. I’m sure she never kept the pictures. That was never her intention. Her intention was to throw them away and that’s exactly what she did.

Later...

I just finished making 7 sandwiches for Tom. That oughta help him out and make his workweek easier.

Tomorrow, before he goes to work, he’s picking up that cat that needs to be on a diet.

I have to remember to call Mary soon. It’s been a while since we last spoke and I’ll bet she’s lost my number. I should’ve heard from her by now.

Oh, almost forgot. Yesterday morning I finally spoke to Carolyn (Andy’s coworker). Tom needs his hair cut too, and she says she’ll only charge $5. Between Tom and I, that’d be $10 instead of $16 and she’ll come here. Maybe this weekend.

I can’t wait till Kim sends me that tooth whitener and the camera.

I also can’t wait till I know what in the world happened to Bob. I wish I knew. I hope he’s OK. I hope he gets out here. I need more letters from him. Gotta start filling up Book of Letters #5. It’s got only one full page done. I also hope Alex writes and more often than once a year. Kim says he is a big writer and that once he starts, he goes on and on. Kim said she and Phil got a kick out of Alex’s letter.

I let Kim know I’m sending her a tape. On one side there’s a funny convo with me, Andy, Fran and Nervous. The other side has Andy and Laurie H and also one she’s never heard that I just found of me, Bob and Andy. She oughta enjoy it.

Well, anyway, I think I’ll go do some more editing. It’s been coming along really well. Tom heard some new ones last night. Andy said I could leave them on his machine, but it’ll take forever. It’s a pain in the ass when the VM only goes for 3 minutes each. I’ll wait till we’re on the phone and I’ll play them for him live.

Wednesday, November 3, 1993

 

Today was sort of a shitty day. I was living in an apartment all over again. It sure felt that way when the assholes next door woke me up 6 times from 6 PM - 11 PM moving furniture. They were moving something in and out. I’ve always wanted to live in a house and now that I finally do, neighbors are still waking me up. While I seldom hear them, their fucking dog is unpredictable. Whether it’s daily or occasionally, I’m so sick of listening to other people’s noise. I want to wake up when I say so, not someone else’s dog or activities. Also, when I’m awake, I wanna hear my noise. Not someone else’s. I hope these people decided they hate it here and are moving out and a guy like Tom moves in. It’d be so nice to have one person over there with little or no company and no dog. It’d also be nice if these houses weren’t so close.

On the lighter side of things, Kim left a message that relieved my fears. Bob’s alive and well and hasn’t written due to not having money for stamps. She said he was quite ecstatic cuz his court date’s only two weeks away and looking good. In his favor, I mean. She said he was quite “normal” for a change and he mailed me a letter. Kim says my package is to be mailed out today. Can’t wait.

No referral or call from my doctor yet. Oh well, but I am gonna call Tammy now. I still need to read that letter to her.

Also, the cat’s here. It hid behind the stove for a while, but I eventually coaxed it out. It’s friendly and yes, a bit chubby. Shadow was bigger, though. Longer and taller, I mean.

Later...

I finally got ahold of Tam to read the letter to her and to add stuff for her. I printed and mailed 2 of the 3 letters for her. I’m waiting for Tom to get a bill from Signet so I can get the address.

I don’t know this cat’s name, so I’ve been calling him Shadow. He came out from hiding again and was meowing by his litter box.

I sure hope I get Bob’s letter today. Hope to hear from Alex soon, too.

Later...

Tom will be home any minute, but I figured I’d write till then.

Ellie had given me hair glitter gel. I finally used it and it sucks. My hair is all matted.

Last night, around midnight I called Andy. I played him a little more than a half-hour of edits. He called the VV machine. Stacey’s still working there as I figured. Her voice is still on the outgoing message. Two quick segments of her were left. The bitch will probably go call the idiots in Florida, but I could care less. Either them or the so-called parole officer I never had.

Speaking of Stacey, I had a weird dream with her in it and the assholes next door. I dreamt I went out back and caught her sitting by the pool. She had a huge German shepherd that almost bit my knee, but I didn’t care. I was too busy cussing her out.

I was also visiting these so-called people next door, but it didn’t look like a house. I was sitting talking to them in their living room when one of them opened their fireplace door which was solid. The back wall of the fireplace was glass, though, and through it, I could see the apartment next door’s fireplace and into their apartment which was all brick. Then weirdly enough, as I was leaving and walked out the front door, I was outside my old door at Crystal Creek.

Then, there was this part where I was standing at our front door here and glanced down a slight hill at theirs. It seemed to be a brown wooden colored house, much bigger with two floors. I remember turning to Tom who was sitting on the couch and saying, “It’s amazing how they live so close, yet so far.” Apparently, the house was at an angle.

In another part, I was walking across my backyard and through the back of theirs. (there was no block wall) Inside they were talking to Stacey.

Tom’s home now, so I’ll have to remember the weirdest part for later.

Thursday, November 4, 1993

 

This cat is so good. I wish it were mine. He’s so friendly and loving. He now seems so happy here. He’s not obnoxious and doesn’t wake me up. When I go into my room and close the door he doesn’t claw at it. I think it’s best to keep him out of my room. He knows Tom, but would definitely rather hang with me. This is good, though, as I have much more time to play with him than Tom does. I’m sitting at the table in the living room and he’s sitting right by me. He’s come totally out of his shell.

Now that I’ve been gone two months from Crystal Creek, I decided it was time for Steve to hear from me. You know, the guy that lived below me when I was next to Tom. I assume he and Bonnie are still there. If not, his letter will be forwarded. I never knew his last name, so I addressed it to Steve Jensen. How did I come up with Jensen? Well, Steve’s a firefighter. One time I saw a firefighter on TV here in PHX with that name, so he oughta get a kick out of that one. I’ll bet they do know each other. I pretty much wrote some funny stuff.

I was slightly annoyed earlier as I recorded 3 shows but forgot to up the volume on the VCR remote, so I can’t hear anything. Oh well, they will repeat this show in a few months. All they do these days is 10-15 new shows on almost each of the series, then repeat them all 3 times.

I’m still debating on whether or not to mail Kim’s tape in a mailbag or an envelope. I have done both in the past and they’ve both worked. We’ll see.

Also, when the stamps run out, I could order 50 more or get stamped envelopes. We’ll need envelopes soon, too.

Yesterday Tom got a Signet bill, so I addressed the final letter for Tammy and I’ve mailed out all 3.

Yesterday Tom also got me a portable heater and I love it. It works so well and has a fan and an air purifier too. There are wall heaters here, but only in the living room, the hall by the bathroom and his room, and in the back room. There’s none in our bedrooms and the only thing that comes out of the vents is the AC and EC.

The cactuses I got with Kim are starting to grow.

Later...

Yesterday I called my doctor’s office. They didn’t have my current number and address, even though I gave it to them, so they left a message with Andy. They’re mailing my referral. I have no infections, but they say I have non-malignant cell changes. So. What’s the big deal? Everyone’s cells change, so why should I go to a specialist? Tom says he’s gonna try to talk me into going, but why put myself through more discomfort for nothing? Plus half the GYNs say one thing, while the other half say another. An example of that is, half say I’m average size down there. The other half says I’m too small. I know I’m small. It’s been obvious enough. They also say I can have sex. I have nothing that can hurt Tom, but I’m not sure that’ll make a difference in his appetite.

I’m not sure if I mentioned this yet, but Nervous is gonna be getting an awful lot of mail. Tom got a package of 25 no-postage-necessary postcards for computer stuff. I’d have loved to have sent them to Stacey, Andi, and several others, but they’ll just run and try to get another conjunction. Although they’d lose again, I don’t need the bullshit, so they’re all going to Nervous.

I told Tom of all those weird dreams and he thought they were quite bizarre, too. I have yet to write about one more, but before I do, let me thank God I slept OK. I knocked off at 4 PM, got up at 9:30, took my meds and went back to bed till 1 AM. I talked to Andy at 2 AM for about 20 minutes. Tomorrow he’s taking the AT&T test for the fourth time. I really hope he passes. Again he was saying how he wishes I could go take that test for him. Also that he would’ve gotten a 40% on the civil service test, whereas I pulled off an 81%. How, who knows?

My hand’s pretty sore, so later I’ll do the dream, as well as a list of stuff I want.

Later...

Tom’s gone out to get my prescription and some groceries.

We had a great talk earlier. We finally are beginning to have extra money and things have been so much better with us, it’s making me again want to marry him. To hell with the odds and statistics. I’ve been made to eat my words once again and that is about it getting better with time, rather than worse. But I’ll still never have a kid even though he thinks I’d be a good mom.

He got some great ideas for me to help him out with the computer by doing icons and releasing them for possible donations if people like them. He’s gonna write a biography on me. He told me what he was gonna say and it was very flattering.

He said his friend Wendy says I should go to the crotch doctor as the cell changes could be pre-cancerous. Why oh why must I deal with this? I’ve had enough. Dealing with asthma and allergies is enough.

I got my period and it’s almost over, so at least I’m not horny.

Tom says he ordered something for me by mail, but he won’t say what. It’s multi-colored and made of paper.

I sent a check for $34 for 100 stamped envelopes by mail. Hopefully, my address labels get here soon, and Kim’s package and Bob’s letter.

For Hanukkah, I’ll send Tammy and all of them a check for $25 and only buy a few Hanukkah cards.

When I decide what to do for Tom, do I do it on the 9th or the 25th? How do couples work this out when only one’s Jewish? I’ll figure it out. I’m sure there’s a way. Cuz even though I don’t consider myself Jewish or of any other religion, it’s been a lifelong habit to celebrate or exchange gifts at Hanukkah and ignore Christmas. Except for all the pretty lights, decorations and Christmas songs, it would’ve been so much more fun to have been Catholic as a kid. There are certainly no Jewish Santas. No pretty trees to decorate. Only 8 lousy candles.

In December we might get a dishwasher, then a camcorder. I may also go to Vegas and California in this life. Can you imagine that?! Me? California! Well, that’s what I said about Phoenix, dancing, modeling, relationships, living in a house and marriage. But no kid.

Guess I’ll go make coffee now.

Friday, November 5, 1993

 

I fell asleep around 2:00 or 3:00 PM and although by 10:00 PM I was well-rested, the fucking dog next door woke me up. This weekend for sure, we must seal in any gaps in the soundproofing stuff. This is the last time I’ll be woken up by outside noise, even though it’s only been occasionally. I live in a house now, therefore, I refuse to be woken up by anything outside. Even if it is once or twice a month. The good news is that my asthma’s OK. I just thank God it’s not an everyday thing like it is in apartments I can tolerate dogs and kids very well if it’s off in the distance. I almost like hearing dogs bark way off in the distance. But next door’s too close and too loud. Tom’s snoring is another example. It’s soothingly rhythmic from his room to mine, but I could never deal with it in the same room.

I got two things in the mail yesterday. My referral to a female GYN. Also, a notice of services I didn’t think my health plan covered. Family planning stuff, like birth control pills, IUDs, condoms, Norplant, sponges, creams, shots, vasectomies for guys and tubals for women. At least I don’t have to bother with and deal with all this. Not if he won’t cum and I’m sterile.

Today I really oughta get Kim and Bob’s mail for sure. I mailed Kim her tape in an envelope and wrote “hand cancel” on it.

This weekend or next, Carolyn can do our hair, but in the meantime, I have to get more detangler stuff.

Gotta get like maybe 3 journals and a CD. I’ll save the rest of my money for cigarettes and whatever else I may need. My address labels probably won’t arrive for another month or so.

The cat’s been great. He’s the perfect cat and still never bothers me or claws on my door when I’m in my room. I wish I could keep him.

Now for the weirdest dream of them all, before I forget. I was told by my beautiful neighbors to ring their doorbell at a certain time so I could babysit. I rang their bell and got no answer at the time they told me to. I figured they had to step out. I then looked straight down and realized I was topless! I put my pants on but had forgotten my shirt. So, I glanced over here, thinking, “I better run over here fast and get a shirt on.” But as I turned to run over here, the house kept moving farther and farther away till I was next walking on the beach in CT. I covered my tits with my hand and hair, and in my other hand, I had my journal. The beach was crowded and although no one seemed to notice me, I had to walk out in the water. It was so mobbed that there was no room on the sand, but the water kept getting deeper and deeper. The last thing I remember before waking up was, “Oh shit! My journal’s underwater.” It was up to my neck.

Later...

I am 97 pounds according to the scale, but I’m just finishing my period, so of course I am. In a few days, I’ll be closer to 100. Those Pre-Sym pills do help a bit as far as the bloating goes from water retention.

I’m playing some edits right now and just had another sneezing fit. It was worse yesterday. This weekend I’m gonna dust and vacuum. Gotta do the dishes, too, but hopefully for only 1 more month.

Now I’m gonna make Tom some sandwiches.

Later...

I just made Tom 8 sandwiches. It’s funny but true, that on weekdays I make his sandwiches, and on weekends he makes me my coffee. Also, on weekends, he cooks and I clean. I hate being around him when he eats though. I always thought Andy was #1 on my list of those who are totally obnoxious when they eat making these gross smacking sounds. Not anymore. Tom’s disgusting. Way worse than Andy and me. We agreed to talk about the stuff that bothers one another, but he takes it wrong when I try to tell him about this obnoxious chomping of his. He takes it as a cut-down and gets defensive.

Yesterday morning he and I had a nice talk about his family. He said whenever I’m ready to meet them, fine. He’s been good about this, too, and has never pressured me. I told him I was hesitant cuz everybody loves a liar, and I don’t want to pretend to be who I’m not to please anyone. I’m happy with what and who I am but was afraid they’d cut him down as he has a great job and car, and I don’t. Also, cuz he looks like a conservative man and I look like a girl who’s more on the flashy, modern style of looks. We don’t look the same as most couples do. If his family asks me what work I’ve done, I’m not gonna lie. I’m proud to have been a dancer and to hell with what anyone else thinks. People want to hear awesome lies, rather than the truth at times, although Tom says not to worry at all. I also don’t want to seem selfish either. If Tammy lived here, he would’ve gladly met her long ago.

It’s incredibly chilly out now, so thank God I have this heater. It’ll warm up to 83º today and yesterday was about 85º. I was out back for a bit yesterday afternoon and it was beautiful. Too cool for a bathing suit, but too warm for a heavy shirt. A thin half-shirt was fine.

Today or tomorrow Steve will get his letter. I’m sure he’ll show it to everyone in the office and the entire complex. He’ll also suspect me too, but I don’t give a shit. He’s the type that’ll think it’s weird and somewhat funny, but will mainly be pissed, paranoid and probably scared. I’m sure by now Scott has fucked him over. They’ve probably fucked each other over. How can Bonnie live with a guy like him? I always wondered.

Tuesday, November 9, 1993

 

I am now sitting outside and it is beautiful out. It’s 82º.

Later...

It’s so hot that I just ran in to change. Andy called, too. I can’t believe that it’s 11/9 and I’m sweating out by the pool in a bikini. How lucky I am.

I have so much to write about and it’s all good stuff, too. Last Friday night Tom and I finally fooled around and it was fun.

We finished sealing up the soundproofing stuff in my windows, but I still have to sleep with my radio on. This is cuz of the mailbox thing and that fucking mutt next door. You also never know if they’re gonna slam their car doors and move shit next door. Their driveway’s barely 5 feet away from where I sleep. So, to be on the safe side, I sleep with it on. There is still a positive side to soundproofing. It does decrease noise and it makes it nearly pitch dark if I am asleep during the day.

Later...

Well, I’m in my bedroom now. It’s too hot out there for writing. Too uncomfortable to write as much as I have to write. It’s so bright and sunny out, too. I wore my sunglasses. No breeze at all. If there were a slight breeze it’d be perfect. Perfect for tanning, although it’s perfect now for that. The only bummer is that you get all heated up but the pool’s too cold. I’m not gonna have any patience for tanning till I can swim.

Later...

I just ran out back to cut my toenails. This way my nails don’t go flying everywhere.

Tom’s working on the computer now. We’ve been doing great together.

Still no package from Kim or letter from Alex. Soon I hope, but I just sent one to Bob who wrote me. Guess what he sent? Two Polaroid shots of him in just long pants, two in his underwear, and one of his dick. I’m keeping the two of him in his long pants. One of the underwear shots is going to Barbara in the NHA. The other, along with his dick pic is going to Nervous. He oughta love it.

Last Saturday I did get my address labels and they’re very pretty. Black print on 5 different metallic colored backgrounds - blue, green, red, purple and gold.

I talked to Tom and finally gave in and set up a doctor’s appointment for the 22nd. The one my referral’s for.

Carolyn got her own phone now, so I hope she can do our hair tomorrow or the next day.

The beast, as I call the cat, is doing fine. My allergies are a little worse, though. Last Sunday night I woke up wheezing my ass off at 11 PM. Thankfully it was no ER attack.

I think I mentioned sending a tape to Kim. Well, everyone has tapes, except Bob. It’s time he got his very own copy of edits, convos, etc.

Yesterday at noon I called KOOL FM, my favorite radio station, to request a song. I said I was dedicating it to my fiancé. Tom got a kick out of it. Of course, I taped it.

Later...

I was just eating and outside smoking. Speaking of smoking, I can’t quit so I’ve developed a cutting-down method at least. I’ve been getting too carried away. I’ve been setting the timer so I only have 1 an hour. Soon, after I get comfortable with this, I’ll up the time by 15 minutes. Every 3 days or so, I’ll up it to 15 minutes to slowly lower my nicotine level.

Real early last Sunday morning Tom and I went to JB’s for breakfast.

After, we went to Walmart. I got a leopard print bodysuit, two exercise videos, a journal, and fabric glue. I still have to get new sneakers, ballet slippers (the practice kind you don’t tie around your ankles), and I saw a gorgeous skirt I want. I’m also gonna get a hair removal system. It yanks the hair by the roots and grows back slower and finer. I hear it’s painful, but no pain, no gain. It’s better than breaking my arm again or childbirth. It’s something I can also stop if it hurts too much.

Next month we’re getting a dishwasher. Thank God! We need it.

The exercise videos really work great. One’s Buns of Steel, the other’s Abs of Steel.

The journal I got was really cheap at $2.69. It was the only one of two there that I liked and it’s got no lines. The one with no lines is a nice change here and there. This way I can write super small or big. I can, and I have done that in lined journals, too, but it looks nicer on blank pages. I now have a total of 50 journals!

I also got 3 tubes of fabric glue. Neon colors of pink, green and orange. They all came in 1 package. Tom bought two white T-shirts which I decorated for him. I also did my yellow half-shirt and I’ll do more clothes of mine later. On journal 20 I had glued on material from an old bathing suit. Then I put blue glitter glue on it, but it would always fall off. Well, I tore it all off and decorated it with glue. I also did journal 37 with the glue too, and put 3 rhinestones on it. They were from my half-shirt. They were arranged a bit crooked, so I stuck them on the side of journal 37. Two are blue and one’s yellow. I also put a pink line of glue on the side of journal 5, too.

Later...

Tom’s in the shower now and soon to be off to work. This week he’ll have the next two days off.

I called Carolyn and her boyfriend answered. There’s a possibility of her coming tomorrow afternoon.

Wednesday, November 10, 1993

 

I’m now on my 50th paper journal! Yes, I am actually here before 1998, the year I figured I’d get to #50 when I first began. Although I’ve officially closed #49, I’ve got a project for the last half of it. It’ll only take me a few hours to do it, too. I’m writing two pages from each journal. The only ones I may not do two of are the books of letters.

Tom and I had a great day. He’s now cooking us pork chops and tater tots for dinner which I believe is to be ready any minute.

Later...

That was a great dinner.

I haven’t been able to reach Carolyn, so if I don’t hear from her by tomorrow, Tom and I will go have Richard do our hair Friday.

Tomorrow I have to call Dr. Wilcox’s office to make sure my referral is good till the 22nd.

Last night I fell asleep at 10 PM and awoke at 4 AM to take my meds. Then, I went back to sleep and got up at 6:30.

At 9 AM Tom and I went to the mall. I got this journal, some makeup, and that hair-removal system for $50. I did my legs and my bikini line (as far in as I could go). It wasn’t really as painful as I thought it might be. I could feel it, but it didn’t hurt so much that I couldn’t stand it. It took a while to do and I still have to do under my arms.

Can you believe my God damn package still hasn’t come yet? Neither have the envelopes. In fact, they still haven’t cashed my check. This is bullshit. What’s taking so long? Guess it’s all cuz we’re getting closer to the holidays.

I totally love this journal. It’s the most awesome one I’ve ever had. The outside’s nothing all that spectacular, but I’ve always wanted colored paper for a change from typical white paper. There are 8 of all 6 colors.

Well, I sure did plenty of stretching when I was using the hair removal system, but tomorrow I’ll do the exercises with the video. I’m just too beat now. I’ll remember to put the beast in the back room and close the door between the kitchen and the living room. He gets in the way. Being as flexible as I am really helps when you’re shaving and or removing hair. Especially the backs of the legs.

I hope Alex writes to me. As I said before, Kim says he writes like hell, but I have yet to see this. I’ll write him another letter begging for a letter. I’ll even put a guilt trip on him, cuz I already wrote him a very very long letter.

I just asked Tom, who’s going to bed now, to pick the next color. He picked the one I figured he’d pick. It was also to be my next choice. I have 9 different colors picked out. That’ll look cool. Not only will I have different colored paper, but different colored writing on it. It’s different than writing with different colors all on white paper.

I think I’ll go listen to music for a while now, then I’ll come back and write some more later.

Later...

Amazingly enough, I’ve only had 11 cigarettes today. Nonetheless, my lungs were a bit tight a little while ago, so I made a cup of this honey cinnamon tea Tom bought earlier. It’s good. It helped to clear me up too, and to relax my chest muscles.

I just listened to some music and soon I’m gonna go make another cup of tea.

I just remembered something else I forgot to remove, as far as hair goes. My widow’s peak. I’m not particularly fond of the thing.

I wish I was much more awake than I am now. I’d type some letters, do some editing, and whatever the hell else. I’ve got a semi-bright lime green T-shirt I’m gonna decorate with glue. I also may take one of my pairs of cutoff jeans and glue stuff on that too. I plan to get more Bedazzeler beads one of these days. They’re at Wal-Mart where I got the glue. It’d also be nice to get more colors of the glue. There’s not much variety in only 3 colors.

Gotta send letters soon through the computer to Tammy and the girls. Lisa got a solo in the band playing sax. Great for her. Today’s Bill’s 47th birthday and I sent no card. I’m sure he’s not crying over it any more than I’d be if I were to not get a birthday card from him. The two of us never really liked each other. We’re extremely different, but that’s fine. All that matters is that he makes Tammy happy.

Now I’ve had 12 cigarettes, but that’s still much better than the ridiculous pack a day I’ve been smoking.

I wonder how Nervous and Crystal are doing? I’m sure by now she’s realized she’s made the biggest mistake of her life. If not, she’s even crazier than he is. I wish I could see the look on his face when he pulls out Bob’s dick. Also, when he got my tits.

Well, it’s now almost 6 PM and I am not gonna be able to hold my head up much longer. I’m sooooooo tired. Be back here tomorrow, though. That can be counted on!

Thursday, November 11, 1993

 

Last night I didn’t fall asleep till 10:00. I woke up at 6:30. Tom woke up shortly after.

It’s raining out now for the first time in quite a while. This is good, as it’ll settle any pollen and continue to make allergy plants go dormant.

I hope and pray to hell that I finally get my packages and envelopes today.

Right now I’m gonna go and get myself a cup of tea. After I drink it, I’ll finish copying a page from each journal in #49.

Later...

I finally got my hair trimmed today. Tom did, too. She didn’t do as good of a job as Richard did but did good enough. She didn’t get scissor-happy. It’s been trimmed another 2” but is still below my waist. In less than a month it’ll be to the crack of my ass. I feel she could’ve done a better job with my bangs, although it’s still a bit too soon to tell. At least it’s no longer in my face.

Yes, she’s pretty like Andy said. I’d rate her a 7½ - 8, but her body wasn’t great. Her face was kind of broken out, but pretty. Her hair was permed and almost to the middle of her back.

I had forgotten that there was to be no mail today due to it being Veteran’s Day. Oh well, if I don’t get my package tomorrow, then I give up.

Today it rained and was chilly and windy. First rain in quite some time.

I’ve only had 13 cigarettes in the 15 hours I’ve been up. That’s better, but earlier I didn’t feel too great. My chest was tight.

Well, I’m gonna try to conk out now, but if I can’t sleep, I’ll write some more. Before going to bed, I better go check my messages. I do believe I heard the phone ringing. It’s probably either Andy or Fran. Fran left a message last night.

Later...

Nope. That call wasn’t from Andy or Fran. It was from Wendy. Now Tom’s got two messages. One from Eileen, a coworker with a gay daughter, and Wendy, who took her dog to the vet.

I came back to write something else I had just remembered, but now I forgot what the fuck it was.

I keep telling myself to call Mary, but keep forgetting that, too. She had to have lost my number as she certainly would’ve called by now.

God only knows what’s going on with Kara. I have no way of contacting her and she’s got no way of contacting me. Not by phone, that is. I could maybe write to her at her old address at the Via El Camino apartments and it’ll get forwarded to wherever the hell she is now. She could be in Michigan. I remember her mentioning wanting to return there. Will she ever become a cop? I hope so. That’d be totally for her.

Every now and then I still have fantasies about Stacey. I don’t know what it is with that sick bitch. She reminds me of Kate Jackson even though she has light eyes and hair. Did she really ever have a thing for me? I’ll never know for sure, but yes, I believe she did, despite the fact that she shit on everyone. I can’t picture her ever shitting on Rosemarie, Donna, and Tara and Tonya, though. She most certainly never has or will shit on that damn butch. At least I know that everyone I wrote to did receive all my mail. Even Rosemarie. It’s amazing how much legwork both Stacey and Andy put into trying to nail me in court. They were so sure they were going to, too. I’ll bet they’re still pissed that they lost. I’m sure they lied about losing, too. Stacey’s not the type to walk back into the office and admit she lost. Too humiliating for a person like her. Despite that letter I sent her boss, she’s still working there. I knew she would, as like with cops and staff members in funny farms, they protect their own. I have no regrets about writing it, though. I hope she at least got to read it.

I spoke to Tammy a few days ago. She asked me if I’ve talked to Dad.

Fuck no!

She says she’ll mention my guitar. Like it’ll do any good. She hasn’t heard any more about the bastard, but I hope they all killed each other. All 3 of them are good for nothing.

Friday, November 12, 1993

 

Today I got the envelopes I ordered. Still no packages from Kim, so who knows what’s going on with that?

When Tom got in yesterday morning at 6:30 he went to bed. He’s been there all day and night. He only got up for a few hours. I don’t think he’s feeling too well. I believe the two of us are going food shopping together tomorrow morning.

We’ve only had sex twice since a little over a month ago. I never met anyone like him before. I think it may have to do with our age differences. He’s through with his sexual peak and mine’s just beginning. I’m getting used to this, though. I’ve been used to this and it’s not like he’s a gorgeous woman. Then it’d be much harder to deal with for sure.

Well, he’s up now. I just heard him open the kitchen door. When we go to sleep, which I plan on doing soon, we shut the door to keep the cat in the back, away from clawing our doors.

Earlier I worked out and did a few other things. I typed a letter to Tammy and the girls over Prodigy. I also sent Nervous an old smoking log which certainly did me no good and typed Alex a letter. Barbara’s picture of Bob is ready for her too. I also addressed 5 envelopes to Kim, 5 to Bob, and 1 to Fran.

Saturday, November 13, 1993

 

Tom’s gone out to pick up my antibiotics. Last night at 2 AM I awoke all congested, wheezing and sneezing uncontrollably. It’s been worse than usual. Especially with this yucky rainy weather we’re having. It’s been waking me up a lot, too.

I do have more to write, but I am just way too tired. I’ll write more later. For now, I really must try to get some sleep. I need it.

Sunday, November 14, 1993

 

Today I feel a million times better, thank God! Boy, I sure felt lousy. My lungs are much clearer, as well as my nose. I knew I needed an antibiotic. I slept only an hour or so yesterday afternoon and basically accomplished nothing. I had zero energy. Couldn’t even type letters or the 13 remaining pages in #49. I did, though, glue in 12-30. Maybe later I’ll type up 31-43 and some letters too. I may even do some editing.

Tom’s now working on the computer and we made a “date” for later if you know what I mean.

I tried calling Kim to let her know I still haven’t gotten that package. Maybe it got lost, or something came up where she wasn’t able to mail it out. Yesterday I sent out Barbara’s picture of Bob. Also, I sent a letter to Alex and the old smoking log to Nervous.

Later on, I may also do the dishes and straighten up. I’m doing laundry now.

Tammy’s ordering CDs here and if they come here, which they should, I will ship them off to her.

Tom and I have made a decision yesterday. I’ll never be that tolerant of cat dander and smells, so after this one goes home, we’re getting a guinea pig. I do miss them, and now being with Tom, who’ll help change the cage, it’ll be much easier. I won’t have to constantly lug sawdust down 4 flights of stairs and rinse a filthy cage in my tub. Being in a house is so much easier and better for it, as all we have to do is go out back and rinse the cage with a hose. Tom has plenty of hoses.

I’m an expert on guinea pigs. I know them like I know sign language and I know everything they need. I’ll put him in the back room away from where we sleep. This will be good too, as I won’t have to keep my bedroom door shut or step on kitty litter. They eat more and need more things and are a bit more costly, but we can afford it. I’ll tell you one thing, though, and that is that I’m definitely gonna get a lid for the cage. I’m not about to ever again deal with what I went through with Toffee always jumping out and getting into everything.

Well, I’m now gonna go pull out the stuff that can’t go in the dryer and then make some of my honey cinnamon tea.

Later...

Tom’s now running my clothes through the dryer he’s got out in the garage.

I just played with the cat for a little while and for the first time, I didn’t sneeze. I really needed those antibiotics and now, once again, I want to keep him and forget about the guinea pig. Unfortunately, he can’t stay anyway, and I’d rather get a pig, rather than another cat.

I’m now gonna lay down for a bit. It’s still rainy out and that makes you drowsy. Well, it sucks the energy out of me, anyway. Later I’ll do some editing before dinner. Tom’s making us pork chops again. How wonderful to have someone around who likes to cook.

I’m dedicating the last page of this journal to him to write whatever he wants. Only 3 others have written in my journals - Andy, Nervous and Kara.

Later...

Well, I fell asleep for an hour and a half. I awoke at 2:30. An hour after I got up we had pork chops and tater tots. Then I folded my laundry, Tom took a shower, and we fooled around after. It was great. I really believe he does even better down there than most of the women I’ve been with. Things have been excellent with us, both in and out of bed. He went to sleep after we fooled around which was at about 4:30.

At 5 PM the movie Police Academy went on. I’m watching that now. There are two more movies I’ll probably watch. I’ll edit some other time, but I may still type later.

Tuesday, November 16, 1993

 

Yesterday was an absolutely shitty day. I awoke at 7 AM with a very bad asthma attack. Tom called 911 and they came and gave me two breathing treatments. After they left, I fell asleep for two hours, but have been feeling very tight and congested. I’ve been wheezing and sneezing a lot.

In about 5-10 minutes, I’m going to my doctor. After that, we’ll stop at Jack-n-the-Box.

I haven’t worked on the computer, but last night I mustered up enough strength to draw a few pictures. Tom really liked them. Especially my eagle. It was the very first one I drew. I copied it off of one of my collector’s plates.

I have a few other things to write about, but I’ll save them for my endless wait in the waiting room.

Wednesday, November 17, 1993

 

I never wrote while at the doctor’s office as I luckily wasn’t there forever. She changed my antibiotic to something else and gave me yucky-tasting cough syrup. She also recommended I try charcoal capsules for the gas and bloating I’ve had. This is a weird one I’ve never even heard of before. The last thing she did was have the nurse draw blood right then and there. Originally, I was to return today for the blood to be drawn. Conveniently, it was all done today.

Tom’s been really helpful, patient, and supportive through all this and I really appreciate that.

The only other thing that’s gone on is that Fran’s tried calling both me and Andy.

I took that foam thing I took from my sleeper couch off of my bed. I had 3 problems with it. It was too wide, kept slipping (the sheets) and sagged in the middle too much. I’m better off just waiting till I get a real double bed with a soft mattress.

Real soon I’m gonna hit the sack. I’m taking about 7 different medications right now and they’re making me somewhat drowsy. So - till next time!

Thursday, November 18, 1993

 

Finally! I finally got my package from Kim. It sure is great to have my very own camera. Soon, I’ll get film and flash for it. It’s a very small lightweight camera and it seems it’ll be easy enough to use. Luckily Tom knows cameras, so he can help me with it.

She also sent that tooth whitener and already it’s making a difference.

She sent a magazine called The Night Side she picked up in Las Vegas. It’s just like The Beat magazine I was in when I was at Favors. She enclosed a letter along with a letter she got from Bob. Some other time I’ll copy these into #44. I typed both Kim and Bob letters.

Kim mentioned Alex may have once again gone cross-country. Where the hell would he get the money to afford to do this?

Later...

I got a letter from Bob today. Also, a postcard from Kim. She had some left over with stamps on them, so she figured why not send one?

I spoke to Fran earlier and even his friend Sharon. I have a couple of minutes of her on tape, but she’s not nearly as funny as Ann or Melissa (CP lady).

I split that Vegas magazine between Nervous, Fran and Bob. They each got 4 pages.

I do suppose I could write more but I haven’t been in a writing mood.

Saturday, November 20, 1993

 

Well, lots of little things have happened since I last wrote. First, let me go do up a list of topics and smoke half a cigarette.

OK, I’m back. That only took a second. First of all, I changed my mind. Originally, I was gonna let Tom have the very last page of this book. Now I’m letting him write in the next journal (#51). This book has no lines on the pages, so, this way he can write as large or as small as he likes. He can also have as many pages as he needs.

Well, today the cat went back home. I cried as I’ll miss him. He was the best-behaved cat and so loving. I still have a new guinea pig to look forward to. Perhaps in 2-3 weeks.

Anyway, after he left, I vacuumed and aired the place out. It was a beautiful day at 78º and will be tomorrow, too. I did the dishes, but I hope to not be doing this too much longer. After the first of the month, we’re getting a dishwasher (I hope).

I ordered 2 CDs of Gloria’s through Columbia House and Tom ordered 6. I hope there are no problems with this, as I just realized Tammy’s got CDs coming to this address.

The tooth whitener Kim sent is really working. I noticed a huge difference after only one day.

This coming week Tom’s gonna pick up film and a flash for my camera.

I rearranged my tapes some more, and can you believe that after 4 years, I’ve finally completed my Gloria medley?! Finally, I do still have a few touch-ups to do and I will later.

Gotta go take my meds.

Later...

Well, I recorded a movie and now I’m recording two more shows.

I have 3 letters ready to go out. To Fran, Kim and Bob. I asked Bob if he wants a tape of the edits and some convos. Kim confused me in her postcard to me. She mentioned, “the pictures you just got.” But I never got any pictures. Maybe they’re on their way. I hope so, as that’d be nice. I pre-addressed and put my address labels on 25 envelopes. Kim, Bob, Fran, Nervous, and Alex got 5 each.

The biggest thing I’ve done is talk on the phone to Gina, the DJ at KOOL FM for two hours the last two nights. I was on the party line with a few other people. She is sooooo funny. She is a carbon copy of me and Andy. She’s got our kind of sense of humor. I played her some edits and I even edited her saying, “I think I’ve just lost my fucking mind!”

She sent me over the air saying, “Gina, I’m having fun with you this weekend with KOOL FM.”

She even dropped hints that she may be gay and asked me what I look like. Shall I send her a copy of me in The Beat? We’ll have to wait and see.

She also had me answer one of the party lines by saying, “Sunny 97.” That’s another oldie’s station. I said I punched her out cold, so I was taking over the airwaves.

She had me and 2-3 others singing live to a song, and we told jokes. There’s a really funny one I heard if you know that there’s a Thomas St. and a Grand Ave. here in Phoenix. The joke goes: What did the gay guy do when he got to Phoenix?

He went down on Thomas and thought it was Grand! (names of streets in Phoenix).

Later...

I just went to call Andy, but he’s playing Monopoly with someone, so he said he’ll call me back. I always hated that game.

Tom’s working now, trying to get as much overtime as possible. When he’ll be home, who knows? He’s kind of bummed cuz his job’s being eliminated and the poor guy has to work days next week. Permanently. I’d just want to die. At least he’ll have 10-hour shifts, rather than 12. He’s to be working Sunday – Wednesday from 8 AM - 6 PM.

Later...

Well, finally! The Gloria medley is finished! I just stuck in the last few songs. I did leave out a few slow boring songs, though.

Now, what do I have to edit? Well, as far as that goes everything’s all edited down. So, I’m gonna go through each convo one by one and edit stuff that way. I know that over half of all these convos combined have already been edited. I’ll go through them as who knows what great stuff I could’ve missed.

Tuesday, November 23, 1993

 

Well, Tom’s not going to recognize the back room when he goes in there. He’ll most certainly get up before I do, too.

I didn’t make it to my GYN appointment today. I really did plan to go as nervous as I was, but I was not able to fall asleep till 7 AM. My appointment was at 11 AM, and I would’ve had to get up at 9 AM. The place is 40 minutes away and there’d have been no way I could’ve functioned on only 2 hours of sleep. Plus, I only slept 4 hours yesterday. My referral expires on the 26th and I don’t know if I can reschedule by then. We’ll see. Guess I’ll have to call Dr. Wilcox. I’ll live whether or not I ever get there.

Lisa typed me a letter over Prodigy. She says she’s nervous about her solo and Becky and Sarah are sick. Within the next few days, I’ll call Tammy and the girls.

Yesterday I called Mary and guess what? About a month and a half ago, the butch moved out. Mary said she said she bought a house. Yeah, right! On her income? I don’t think so. Not unless she won the lottery or got a hefty inheritance. If she moved into a house, she rents it and probably shares it.

I still feel so bad for Mary as her nightmare isn’t over. She’s going through all I went through. Some guy moved in above her in the butch’s place and he has late-night wild parties with mucho company. She says she’s gonna call the office, but I know that’ll never do her any good.

I got a letter from Bob and one certain line had me cracking up. When he said, “I need your letters.” Oh, he’s got letters coming alright. If he only knew. He has 10 of them on their way right now. Fran has 11 and Nervous has 9. They’ll each get 50 pages in all, maybe more. Remember how I typed and printed out journals 1 through part of 4? Well, I decided I didn’t want to continue doing this and really had no purpose in keeping what I’d already typed. Therefore, I split the 150 pages or so I typed between Bob, Fran and Nervous. I never thought to send Alex any, but, oh well. He’ll get his fair share of mail from me.

We got HBO and Cinemax. I’ve already seen a few good movies on them both.

It seems each year that goes by I become more and hornier. Once or twice a month is no longer enough for me. Nor is it enough for it to be one-sided where only I cum. I always used to love this arrangement. I wouldn’t want Tom to always be all over me, but I give up. I can’t make him any hornier. This doesn’t change my love for Tom and what I feel emotionally for him and what’s in my heart. It still gets better and I feel surer all the time. I never thought I could be with someone this long, let alone live with them. I can’t believe I have more and more thoughts of marrying him. I won’t count on that happening, though. If and when he ever asks me - well - we’ll see.

I guess the only other not-too-cool news, besides me being the only horny one around here, is that I woke up yesterday really wheezing. Didn’t have to go to the ER, thank God, but I had to deal with it for an hour.

Tom and I had a nice talk when he came in from work. We talked more about getting a guinea pig.

My license expires on my birthday. I’ll have to renew it if I can pass the written test. Maybe I’ll just get a photo ID.

The back room was badly cluttered with boxes and books. Now it’s nice and organized. I also have the perfect spot for the pig.

I can hear Tom talking in his sleep now, but I have no idea what the fuck he just said.

Later...

Today was a great day. First of all, Andy left his pants on the front door handle for me to sew a ripped pocket of his work pants. He’ll come get it tomorrow and leave me a blank video. This is cuz I’m taping a movie for him on one of ours.

I called the GYN and rescheduled for 12/16. Tomorrow I’ll call Dr. Wilcox and explain why I need a new referral, and also a refill on my meds.

It was a gorgeous day today, but a cool spell is coming.

I spoke with Lisa today who’s still nervous about her solo. Tammy was pretty busy and Bill just returned from CA. It was a business trip and due to the drastic temperature change, he’s sick. I went through that bullshit those two times I went to Florida in the winter. I also spoke a little bit to Becky.

I’ll bet there’s a chance my parents are thinking I may call right before my birthday for a birthday present. (money) No way! Their money’s not worth it.

Wednesday, November 24, 1993

 

Boy, I’ve been having lots of fun playing Nintendo games for hours. Today’s the first time I’ve ever played. Tom set it up in the back room on my TV. There are these 2 games I’ve been playing. My favorite one is where you use a plastic gun to shoot ducks. You get 3 shots to go to the next round. I’ve gone as far as round 11. The other one’s very hard and I have yet to win one round. It’s where you shoot at two flying disks at once.

Now, here’s the most exciting news of the day. (now yesterday) Tom put batteries in a toy car. We were out back by the pool, then we came into the back room where we were sending the car back and forth to each other across the room. Finally, I took a tiny piece of paper and wrote: I love you and I will marry you. Then Tom wrote: When? I wrote: When do you want to, and be honest? He wrote: Friday. I wrote: It’s a deal!

Later...

I got bored with the Nintendo (for now) as well as the TV. So, I tried to call Nervous. The guy’s smart as no one ever even said hello. He just picked it up and pressed a button on the phone. Although, I wonder if that could’ve been Crystal. It seems her style but not his. His is to answer, swear, then unplug the phone. If Crystal’s still there, that is truly amazing.

I tried to call the radio station but kept getting a busy signal. That’s OK, as shortly after I tried I realized Gina isn’t even on tonight.

Tomorrow Nerv, Fran and Bob should get all their mail.

I did try to call Fran at nearly midnight his time, but he said he’d call me later. Or tomorrow. He was either asleep, drunk, or terribly depressed.

I know what I forgot to mention I did earlier. It sure was an unexpected, yet great surprise, too. Tom asked if I wanted to “fool around.” It was grand, alright. He sure does a fine job down there with his tongue. He knows I can cum way, way too fast (in a matter of seconds), so he knows how to make it last and keep it going so I can enjoy it. It won’t be long till I’m on the rag, so this is when I’m the horniest.

Later...

I’ve got to watch myself on the cigarettes. Been getting a bit carried away. I did better the last 3 days by smoking 11-14, but so far, I’ve had 16 since I’ve been up. In 2-3 more days, I’ll be done with the antibiotics. After that and my period, I’m gonna get working on the exercise videos. Been slacking off. I’m soooooooo fucking bloated! It’s absolutely pitiful! I can now feel myself “precramping,” so I don’t have long to wait.

I wish I could be there to personally see the looks on Bob, Fran and Nerv’s faces when they open their mailboxes to so much mail from me. Especially Bob’s face, as he’s the one who appreciates my mail the most.

Later...

I just took all the meds that I’m supposed to take. I think now I’ll go listen to music and then try to get some sleep. I don’t want my schedule to change too much just yet as I have stuff to do.

Tonight’s Tom’s last night at work. Sunday the poor guy’s on days.

Later...

I’m not exactly as sleepy as I had thought I was. I listened to music, though.

Earlier I came up with a very interesting way to improve my game aim which is naturally pretty good. There are 10 birds to kill in each round, so I came up with two rounds worth (20 people) I can’t stand. I imagine they’re the birds.

I may get another letter from Bob tomorrow or Fri. That’d be nice. I give up on waiting for Alex to send a letter. For now. I’m sure he has a reasonable excuse for not writing and is busy. Hopefully, Kim will send a letter too.

I’m kind of hungry now. Damn. I got a paper cut too. Fuck!

Later...

OK, I just put a Band-Aid on my paper cut.

Andy must’ve fallen asleep. He told me he’d call back when I spoke to him several hours ago.

Tom’s mom beeped in with a message for Tom that Thanksgiving dinner was to be at noon as Raymond, his brother, has to work early. She sounded nice and invited me, but I don’t know if I’ll be going.

Tomorrow Tom and I will probably be getting up at the same time for the first time in a while. This will be nice.

I think I’ll go see if Nervous will answer his phone now, although he may be at work. We’ll see if Crystal answers.

Later...

I am sitting at the living room table while Tom’s watching sports on TV. He made us tater tots which were really good.

Andy picked up his pants and the movie I taped him and he left me a blank tape. I spoke to him earlier and all’s well with him. While he was on the phone, I called Nervous. He got my mail and says Crystal’s still there. I’ve never heard the guy sound so relaxed before in my life. This is good for him.

I played Nintendo and did really well. Got some perfect scores and shot the disks through round 1.

Tom and I were discussing a trip to CA in February or March. A package deal to fly to Disneyland and stay at their hotel for 2 days and 1 night.

Thursday, November 25, 1993

 

Believe it or not, I fell asleep last night at around 9:00. I awoke at 10:00 to a car going by with a very loud muffler. Originally, I fell asleep on the living room couch. Tom went to bed at 10:00. Shortly before this car’s muffler woke me up. When I did wake up, I went and got into my bed and fell back asleep till a little after 1 AM.

Last night, though, Tom and I had lots of fun. Not sexual fun, but fun hanging out together and finally wrote in my next journal.

When I got up, I cleaned the stove, did dishes, straightened up, listened to music, and typed Kim a letter.

At 4:00 I dropped a bowl of creamed spinach and smashed it to smithereens all over the kitchen floor. I cut my foot, too, and woke Tom who was my savior. He washed my foot and put a Band-Aid on it and cleaned the kitchen floor. So, now I have a black and blue on one foot, from whacking it on the phone which was on the floor, a glass cut on the other foot and a paper cut on my thumb. The thumb is healing nicely, though.

I tried to get some more sleep. At least a few more hours, but it hasn’t worked. I’ll go try again.

Later...

I have been unable to go back to sleep. I typed Lisa, Becky and Sarah a letter, but then got knocked off when I tried to type Tammy a letter. I’ll try again later. Prodigy’s funny sometimes.

I also want to check Springfield’s weather so I can laugh. Unfortunately, they’ve had some mild days in the 50s. They’ll get theirs, as far as the bitter freezing cold goes.

I forgot to mention two calls I made early yesterday morning. One to Barbara, who I woke up. I insisted she left a message for me to call her. She very sleepily denied it, then hung up after two minutes.

I also called Jenny and yelled, “Knock it off, Jenny!” Then I slammed the phone down. I’ll bet she and the bastard brother are still buddies. They can have each other. I’m gonna tell Tammy that if she ever again speaks with Larry to tell him he didn’t want anything to do with me, so why should I want anything to do with him? My life’s way too cool now to have assholes like Larry, Art, or Dureen in it to screw things up. Or try to I should say, as in the end, I learned not to let it get to me. I know what I did and did not deserve.

Later...

This is amazing, yet great. I’m still awake! Cuz I only napped a few hours last night, I didn’t think I was gonna hold out past noon. If I’d been more awake, I would’ve gone to Tom’s parent’s house, but I’m definitely not that awake. He said he’ll try to bring home leftovers.

I went and pulled $20 out of the ATM for cigarettes, then we went to Jack-n-the-Box where I got a breakfast platter.

I also typed two more letters. One to Nervous and the other to his mother telling her what an asshole her son is. I called him up politely to see how he is and I’m so sick of his moods. I don’t deserve his shit. I haven’t done anything to him in ages and any shit I ever did pull on him, he damn well asked for. The guy can fuck off and out of my life just like Dureen and Art. My sending a letter to his mom will surely heat the guy all up. Especially as it’ll shock the shit out of him and catch him off guard cuz I’ve never sent the mother mail before in the past. She’ll be surprised too, and I don’t give a rat’s ass if either of them calls my family.

Oh, before I end the subject of Nervous - his mom had no idea Crystal lived with him or who the fuck she even is. That is quite interesting. I’ve spoken to this girl, so I’m sure she exists, but I highly doubt she lives with him. Not if she’s got any real brains.

Tomorrow should be fun. Tom says that cuz he slept so many hours the last two days, he can go shopping tomorrow when I am awake. Depending on his paycheck we may get the pig tomorrow. Can’t wait! He says it’s a birthday present, but I told him to spare me for my birthday and Chanukah, as I wanted him to have money to buy his family Christmas presents. We’re also gonna look at prices of dishwashers and who knows what else tomorrow.

Remember the note we passed each other on the toy car? The one about us getting married Friday which is tomorrow? Well, he hasn’t said one more thing about it and I hope he wasn’t joking. I’d feel kind of foolish unless he meant next Friday. Maybe he thought I was joking. Well, I wasn’t joking. I wonder what’s really going on in his mind. Are we getting married tomorrow?

What else can I say? I’m in a writing mood, but I’ve run out of things to say. I just hope that whenever I do fall asleep that I stay asleep at least till 2 AM. This way, we can take off as soon as the stores open. It’ll be mobbed, though, being Fri. Plus, everyone’s begun to do all their Christmas shopping.

It’s been oh-so quiet next door, thank fucking God. Come to think of it, I haven’t even heard their dog. Only the one across the street, but it’s not as loud.

I wonder how much of all those letters Bob’s read so far? Is he done? Probably not. I sent an awful lot of stuff, but it’ll be good for him. He needs to fill his time and occupy his mind.

Well, the computer says it’s 28º in Springfield today and tonight will be 10º! It’s only 62º here today.

I talked to Tammy briefly. Apparently, Bill and the girls are very sick, so she canceled dinner. She’s still cooking dinner, but she canceled the company that was to be coming.

Sunday, November 28, 1993

 

Well, I didn’t get married last Friday, but I did get a guinea pig. Let me go in order of events.

I felt kind of foolish and Tom felt bad, but what he really meant by “Friday��� was discussing a tentative date. We set a tentative date for next December. I just didn’t stop to realize that it’s not something you just do in 5 minutes.

I talked with Tom alone and with Andy alone and I think a year from now’s good. This will give us plenty of time, as it’s a big and scary commitment. I know, though, that life’s all about taking chances and I think that if all continues to go well, I’ll be brave enough to take this chance in a year. I am still a believer in the saying “nothing lasts forever,” but I’ll enjoy one day at a time. I won’t put a time frame in my mind for how long Tom and I live. An example of what I mean is, I hope I live a long life, but I could get run over and killed by a car tomorrow.

Andy still feels I should be with a woman and I understand this, but if I could’ve been I would’ve been. It’s not like I didn’t put in a few good years of trying so I’m not without a woman by choice.

Monday, November 29, 1993

 

Talk about weird sleeping habits! At least I’m well-rested and my asthma has been much better. I fell asleep yesterday at 7 AM, got up at 1 PM to take my meds, then fell back asleep till 4 PM. Then at 6:30 PM, I fell asleep till 10 PM. Guess it’s cuz of my period and I was flowing quite heavily.

I heard Tom go to bed at 8:00 last night. He has to leave for work at 7:15. He’s decided he’s gonna like working days better. He says 10-hour shifts will be better than 12. That’s for sure. Also, he used to put himself on days when he wasn’t working, so, he says, why not be on nights when he’s off? This way we can still see each other.

I have 4 envelopes to go out in today’s mail. One to Nervous, Nervous’s mother, Fran, Alex, Gina, and 3 to Kim. Tom gave me neon orange round stickers he got at work. I numbered all 3 of Kim’s envelopes. This way she can read them in the order I typed them. I’m also sending Gina a quick letter to the radio station, as well as my picture in The Beat. She kept asking what I look like, so soon she’ll see. The letter’s really short saying how fun she is to chat with different fonts.

Believe it or not, last night I gave her a reading which was fairly accurate, seeing how dead my vibes have been lately.

While Gina was on the air, I left a message for Andy of me talking with Tammy, Glen, and some funny drunk guy named Larry. He loved it and thought it was so funny.

Later...

I just did my legs again with the hair removal thing. A few hairs grew back, but they were much lighter and finer.

Tom accidentally erased the movie The Guardian, but now I’m glad he did. He’s buying the movie for me and this way I can get the uncut version and see more nudity! Plus, I accidentally hit the record button and erased a few seconds during two different parts.

Tom looked the movie up through Prodigy and it turns out she was in some other movie called Local Hero. This was back in 1983. Wonder what she looked like then?

Later...

Tom’s taking a shower now and soon he’ll be off to work.

In a little while, I have to go put my mail out.

Tom made us tater tots and garlic bread. It was good.

I’ve run out of things to say for now, so I guess I’ll write later when I think of more stuff to write.

Later...

I just got done watching Charlie’s Angels. It was a two-parter. So, tomorrow I’ll try to remember to see the second part, even though I’ve seen every single episode.

I have a two-page picture of Gloria from one of her tour books, but she takes up very little space. Therefore, I’ve glued on 6 tiny ones, so, I now have sort of a collage.

Later...

Well, I fell asleep at noon and I got up shortly after 7:00.

Tom had just gotten in from work. He said it wasn’t very fun at all. The poor guy. He also said he may go look somewhere else for a job. Lastly, he says he may be getting a cold. I sure hope not. Especially now that my period’s pretty much over.

Beauty’s doing fine. She basically only eats her lettuce if I feed it to her by hand, but this is cuz she’s still a baby. She’ll eat more independently as she gets older. She eats the pellets with no problem, though. She’s so loving and always gives me kisses.

I wish it were summer! I wanna go swimming! At least I only have to wait for 4 more months or so, rather than 7. I miss being able to be outside constantly. The daytime weather’s usually nice, but it’s more fun when you can swim.

When Tom looked up the movie The Guardian through Prodigy, there was a 26-page write-up all about the movie. He’s gonna print it out and maybe I’ll copy it into my journal. That is, whatever one I’m on when he’s able to find the time to print the thing out.

Later...

Boy, Michael Jackson’s certainly in some serious hot water. Guess he’s about to be charged with molesting young boys. At first I believed he was innocent cuz everyone always wants to bring down a star. People want to gain publicity and power. They want to challenge those who are successful. Now, I wonder if maybe he’s guilty, as there are lots of sickos in this world. Plus, most cops and superstars feel they’re above the law. If he’s brought to trial, he’ll win. He’s famous and he’s male.

Later...

I just turned on the radio so I can hear what DJ is on tonight. Gina’s on weekends and I guess she’s also a fill-in. She hopes to go on full-time soon and I hope she does too. It’s cool to be able to chat with her and others on the party line when everyone else I know is working or asleep. I’ll bet that guy Magic is on now. I haven’t heard yet, as sometimes they don’t speak till after several songs have played.

My period’s over, thankfully. It sure is weird that I’ve shit 4 times today when all I’ve eaten is a cupcake and a bowl of popcorn.

Next shower I’ll have to do some massive shaving downstairs. It hurt too much to use the hair removal thing down there, as well as under my arms. That’s fine, though, as it sure is nice to only have to do it under my arms and my pussy, rather than my calves and thighs, too.

Gina’s on! Great, I’m gonna give her a call after I go smoke a butt.

Later...

I just called in and she’s got me on hold now. It’s pretty weird hearing the same song playing on the phone that’s playing over the radio. What’s she doing? She must be extremely busy cuz this is the second song now that I’m holding through.

I just hung up and called back and said, “Did that reading scare you, or are you tremendously busy?” She said she was busy and to call back in a half-hour.

No problem. I understand. If she’s on tomorrow night too, then she’ll know what I look like before the weekend. I’ll call her in 10 minutes.

Gina just said, “I wish I could let you hear half the conversations we have here on the party line.” It sounds like the phone lines are quite busy. I wonder how many lines there are. No less than 10, I’d assume. I can see that being a lot for one DJ to handle. Sometimes there are two DJs.

Tammy’s on again. I just heard her. Some guy named Stan, too.

Later...

I’ve got to tell Andy to take his phone off the hook Fri. and Sat. nights. This way if I leave him any messages when we’re on the party line, his phone will only ring once. He said to leave him all the messages I want from the party line.

OK, I’m gonna call now.

She said she’s got everyone on hold, and she’s got Stan and Tammy on and wants to keep me on.

OK, whatever. I told her to take her time. Is she testing me to see if I really am a loyal fan? It’s fine by me, as I have nothing better to do anyway.

I never did get around to sending Tammy (my sister) a message, but I will within the next few days. I’ll type some more letters, too.

Now I’m on the line with Stan and Tammy. Gina’s sick with diarrhea and is in the bathroom. She just yelled, “I can’t get sick! I have too many jobs!”

Gina’s also a waitress at Tuchetti’s.

Now, I’m doing promotions stuff saying, “K-O-O-L F-M” in unison with Tammy and Stan. Gina’s singing is very loud, strange and funny. She still feels shitty. They’re talking about movies now. I hate Westerns, too. And old movies and science fiction.

Some woman from 7/11 named Sandy just called in, but I didn’t hear her request.

Later...

Gina may have to work tomorrow night too, as well as 10:30 this morning. Damn! That’s a long time. About a half-hour ago Tammy and Stan hung up. I asked Gina if I could come down this weekend if Tom will drive me. She said probably, but call her at 2 AM first.

I left Andy a message of all 4 of us. Also, I have me on tape doing a promo line.

[glitchkoi]

It’s raining, I made chamomile tea, I am hoping to get a thank you card for me and my classmates to sign for our teacher who moves heaven and earth for us despite adversity, I work at a job that fulfills me and my coworkers like me, my bed is made with soft blankets and I’m burning a few candles while my window is open to hear the rain and thunder because thunder doesn’t scare me anymore. Tomorrow, even though I hate getting up early, I’ll go to work in the church I grew up in’s nursery, so a mother can focus on her own studies. It’s not a perfect church but our current pastor is more accepting and open than the last one, and our denomination just ruled in favor to allow LGBT weddings and queer people can now be ordained. I haven’t returned to that faith and forged my own spirituality, and being involved in the politics of the church after leaving as a kid was like being plunged in cold water, but I know my presence is appreciated. I’m getting a hair cut soon, my hair has gotten really long and while I don’t mind it, I’m due for a change. In a week and a half I’ll go visit my partner for their graduation, and I’m so proud of them and I hope I spend the rest of my life with them. I got two new plants today at the school event my teacher put on. I’ve run into so many people I haven’t seen since I graduated high school that I was delighted to see and hear from the last two weeks. My mom asked if we could watch an anime tonight and I picked one of my favorites; she really liked it. She never really understood or tried to understand, but a new friend of hers said something that sparked her curiosity. The two of them went to go see my art on display yesterday and my mom loved the short film I made. My life is far from perfect, but my life didn’t end when I was 14, or 15, 16, 17, or when I broke up with the boy I thought would be the only one who could ever love me, or when I dropped out of college the first time, or when my best friend turned roommate became a stranger. I’m glad I stuck around past my self diagnosed expiration date. I am glad to have a night like this.

Just a ramble. I hope if you read all that you can find some peace and quiet, or rambunctious joy, tonight, whichever you prefer. The world is an ugly scary place for many right now, but you’re allowed to reconcile some guilt and be at peace with yourself, because the world can be beautiful too.

Good night 🌙

[missmeikakuna]

My "Buddy" Santa (Short Story)

Rated: T

Fandom: Original/Christmas Lore

Relationship Type: M/M

Description: In the months following Mrs Claus's death, Santa has relied on an elf from his factory for comfort. To show his affection, he gives him various gifts and the two cuddle together. But the two of them have gotten too close, and the elf wants more out of the relationship than presents.

Content Warning: Mourning the pre-story death of a character

The sound of Michael Bublé on repeat almost hid the low electronic buzz. Almost.

Santa Clause was in a three-month long Bublé mood for reasons unbeknownst to anyone but a singular elf.

Those weren’t the only sounds, though. Eccentric whizzes of spinning machine arms, the cranks of levers, cogs turning. Most importantly, quiet chatter and occasional grumbles. 

Rows upon rows of green and red-clad elves sat and packed toys into boxes. They did their ribbon-adorned origami quickly enough to catch up to the toy-making machines. At one end of the aquatic centre-sized room was a row of desks with elves dressed in gold and silver filling in paperwork. The workload had doubled in the past month due to a certain upcoming holiday.

A bright-faced, chubby, tall elf with curly hair as rosy as her cheeks walked down an aisle. Her gold and silver dress swayed back and forth as she moved, shimmying when she tapped a short elf on the shoulder.

‘Passing on a message from Mr Claus. Your new present is in your room, Bellomir.’

Laughter flanked the Bellomir on both sides. He groaned and sank into his seat, his scowl visible from the South Pole. He instinctively twirled the black curl sticking out of his pointy hat.

A stocky elf with a buzz cut nudged him in his ribs. “What do ya bet you got this time? A Rolex? A convertible?’

A waifish elf with long, flowing locks in a low ponytail grabbed Bellomir’s hat and rubbed it over his head until it mussed his hair, musical giggles playing from her mouth.

‘Maybe he finally went crazy and gave you the deed to a platinum mine!’ she added.

The red on Bellomir’s shirt was a dead ringer for the colour in his cheeks. He gave both his coworkers a death glare before looking up at the speakers on the roof. Throughout all of this, the three elves were still packing just as efficiently as before.

‘You guys have been listening to this song too much.’

‘Well, I guess Mr Claus plays what he wants,’ Mistlebo the stocky elf said with a shrug.

 ‘I think I’ve heard this song at least five times today. Did any of the other Bublé songs repeat this much?’

Snowren the waifish elf stroked her chin. ‘I think I heard ‘It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas’ a few times.’

‘But not five,’ Bellomir retorted with a sigh.

The messenger elf returned. ‘Passing on a message from Mr Claus. Meet Mr Claus at 7:16 tonight. Bring the hot chocolate and the present to open upon arrival.’

The laughter returned as well. ‘Looks like Mr Claus thinks you’re his best buddy,’ Mistlebo remarked.

Bellomir’s mouth contorted into half a smile and half a frown. ‘Yeah, Santa’s my buddy, alright.’

Two hours and one more ‘Santa Baby’ later, Bellomir hung up his hat and clocked out of work. He rushed to his room and picked up the present and hot chocolate. It was a modest one-bedroom apartment sandwiched between a hundred or so identical ones. The only difference in his room was the mountain of various gifts in the corner, torn wrapping paper sticking out at every angle like branches on a Christmas tree.

After eating a microwave dinner, he looked at his watch. ‘Jingleberries,’ he muttered under his breath. He put on his black coat and ran out of his room. He went up the stairs to the top floor, passing by the public dining hall and the toy research facility.

A red door with an emerald green wreath stood on the top floor. Bellomir knocked it six times, playing ‘Jingle Bells’ in his head.

A friendly old voice rumbled through the door. ‘Come in, come in!’

Bellomir closed his eyes, took a deep breath and opened the door. The dark air cracked with frequent little bursts of orange as the fireplace blazed. Some instrumental jazz music played from a forties-style radio. Above the gold-trimmed marble mantle hung a framed photograph of Mr and Mrs Claus. 

A tall crimson velvet chair stood beside a little wooden table by the fire. The fireplace hid the man sitting there in silhouette, though the light captured the curves of his protruding cheeks. A glimmering teardrop ran down his face as he hummed the melody on the radio.

Santa Claus still maintained his round shape but had lost a noticeable amount of weight over the past few months. His coat hung from his body like it was on a coat rack, and his eyes were sunken in to an almost skeletal degree. His kitchen was untouched and had been that way since the incident, at least as far as Bellomir could tell. He had only started visiting after that event transpired. A couple of takeout boxes littered the floor, though not enough to match Santa’s pre-incident eating habits.

The jolly old man turned his head and showed Bellomir a smile one could roast chestnuts on. ‘Come closer, my dear boy.’

Bellomir frowned at that. Did he look young enough to earn that title? He was an elf.  Still, he obliged, placing the can of hot chocolate atop the kitchen bench as he waddled over to the man.

He sat on Santa’s lap and looked up at his face, now illuminated by the flames before them. Santa’s eyes egged him on. Bellomir sighed and tore open the package. 

Inside was a sweater the shade of pine leaves, a deer and the words ‘Merry Christmas’ stitched in with white wool. Bellomir couldn’t help but match Santa’s grin.

The man wrapped his arms around Bellomir’s waist and held him to his solid chest. Despite his sturdy hold, he dropped his chin onto the elf’s shoulder with the insecurity of a child looking for their parents’ approval.

‘Did you like the gift?’

‘If it’s from you, why wouldn’t I-’

‘Don’t beat around the bush, Bello. The truth, boy. Out with it.’

‘I like it.’

‘Good, good.’ Santa kept his arms around Bellomir but lifted his head from his shoulder. He looked up at the photograph. ‘She always loved sweaters. She used to knit me one almost every week. I wish she could have taught me more.’ His words caught in his throat, turning his voice raspy. ‘But I’m still proud of this one. I made a few mistakes but I doubt you’ll be able to spot them.’ His belly laugh resounded through Bellomir’s chest.

Santa gently rubbed his thumbs against Bellomir’s arms, and the elf relaxed into his embrace. For the next five minutes, the only sounds were the intermittent crackle of the fireplace and the slow breaths that, after some time, perfectly synchronised. 

Eventually, Bellomir offered an alternative to the silence. ‘Feeling better?’ He asked with the corners of his lips reaching his pink cheeks. Santa nodded, his head stroking Bellomir’s back.

‘You’re always so comforting.’

Bellomir gazed at the photograph, focusing on Mrs Claus’ beaming face. He looked away and clenched his hands into fists, inadvertently scratching his thighs in the process.

‘Do… you have any other elves that do this?’ He asked as he twirled a strand of his hair.

‘Of course not.’

Bellomir cranked his head to an angle and bit his lip before speaking. ‘Why me? I don’t exactly look like her.’ His voice carried more venom than anticipated, but he wasn’t taking it back.

Santa let go and curled his fists. ‘You think I’d just use you as a replacement?’ His voice carried concern, but his words were just a little louder than what he said before.

To match his energy, Bellomir glared up at the once-jolly man. ‘Isn’t that what you’re doing? Isn’t that the whole point of this?’

Santa spluttered nonsense, his brain containing no words to the contrary. Bellomir hopped off his lap, causing the wrapping paper to fall onto the wine-coloured carpet. He looked down at the sweater in his hands and pushed it back onto Santa’s lap.

‘I don’t need this,’ he said before turning his back and walking out the door.

The next day at work contained the same old drudgery of the previous. Mistlebo’s elbow attacks gave Bellomir a crushing sense of deja vu.

‘How were things last night with your new buddy Santa?’

Bellomir sank into his seat again, his growl almost louder than the machines.

‘Didn’t like the gift?’ Snowren asked without looking away from the present before her.

Bellomir hesitated, then gave a small smile as he carefully wrapped his present. ‘The gift was nice. It was heartfelt and sweet. He made it himself and everything.’ Another sigh left his lips. ‘But that’s just it. At the end of the day, it’s another gift.’

Mistlebo scoffed at that. ‘If someone handmade me a gift, I’d be pretty grateful.’ Bellomir bit the inside of his cheek, trying to come up with a retort but finding none.

The messenger elf walked up to him. ‘Passing on a message from Mr Claus-’

‘Tell him I don’t want to see him,’ Bellomir said flatly.

She blinked. ‘Excuse me?’ Several elves in the factory turned their heads.

‘I don’t want to see him…’ He suddenly remembered the warmth of the fireplace threading through the warmth of Santa’s arms like a hand-knit Christmas sweater. ‘…today. Tell him to invite me tomorrow.’

‘V… very well, then. Do you still want me to relay the message?’

Bellomir waved his hand dismissively and went back to work. The elves who had a quick entertainment break rushed to catch up with the machines. Toys began to pile up on the conveyor belts, pushing up against each other and falling off the belts.

While still working on their presents, Mistlebo and Snowren looked at Bellomir out the corner of their concerned eyes. Then they looked back at their gifts as if nothing had happened.

Despite the chill of the night, Bellomir lay atop his quilt on his bed, the crack in his ceiling the only object in his view. He played with a curl in his hair as images flashed through his mind like reels in stereo slide viewer glasses. 

Santa standing in the factory beside the desks like he used to, staring at Bellomir for some reason. The red outlines of his eyes from rubbing them too much. The mugs of hot chocolate on the little table by the fire as Bellomir reached out to hug Santa for the first time. Santa’s first gift, a bottle of cologne with a leathery scent. A messenger elf walking up to Bellomir and making the short elf realise that Santa was no longer in the factory.

Mrs Claus smiling as she handed the elves cookies. Santa giving her a peck on the lips with his arm around her waist. Mrs Claus coughing over and over again. Elves wearing black during the ceremony. A tear sliding down a silhouetted Santa’s face as he looked up at the framed photo.

Bellomir blinked, his nose itching as he finally noticed his own tears. When he started to shiver, he considered pulling the covers over him, but he figured they couldn’t compete with the cosiness of Santa’s arms. 

He turned his head to the gold alarm clock beside his bed, another gift from Old Saint Nick. It was 3 in the morning. Should he? Was he crazy?

The next thing he knew, he was knocking on the big red door in two bursts of three. He heard the gasp of someone just waking up. 

‘Uh, come in, my dear boy, come in.’ Santa was still sitting in his chair, a carton of eggnog and a small bottle of brandy beside a shot glass on the table. There were dark bags under his eyes but his smile was bright. The fireplace was still ablaze. No music was playing this time. ‘What brings you here?’

‘I guess… I wanted to talk.’ Bellomir looked at the eggnog on the table, his heart twisting. ‘But first, have you had much to drink?’

Santa shook his head. ‘I didn’t have much, and I’m pretty sure I slept off what I did have. He lifted his bottom off the chair and used his big, beefy arms to pull it around to face Bellomir. Despite now being away from the fireplace, his cheeks were rosier than usual. ‘So what’s, uh, going on, Bello?’ 

Bellomir finally noticed that the Christmas sweater was on the floor next to the table, yet it was folded perfectly. Santa grabbed it, unravelled it and held it up in front of his face. ‘Did you change your mind about the gift? You said earlier that you liked it. Was that a lie?’

The elf took slow steps towards Santa, and when he finally got up to him, he pulled the sweater down so they were staring face to face. He raised his leg until his knee was on Santa’s lap. Santa blinked, his cheeks getting redder and redder. Their hands met as they held onto the sweater, sending a little spark synced with a crackling sound from the fireplace.

‘I like your gifts, but there’s one little thing I really need.’

‘Oh, a fur coat?’

Bellomir wrapped his hands around Santa’s cheeks, brushing his thumb against the man’s lips.

‘All I want for Christmas is you.’ Just as Bellomir started to lean in closer, Santa turned his head away.

‘I-I’m flattered, but you’re my employee. I mustn’t-’

‘Oh, so you can’t kiss me but you can treat me like your sugar baby?’

Santa turned his head back around to face him. ‘I’m Santa Claus! What else can I do to show my affection besides giving you gifts?’

‘Oh, so you do like me,’ Bellomir whispered into his ear, running his hand down his cheek. ‘If you want to show affection, just be honest with me.’ He snatched the sweater. ‘You put a lot of effort into making this, but why? Why did you choose me, Nicholas?’

Santa gulped as his eyes darted around the room, always avoiding Bellomir’s gaze. ‘Well, I, uh, I don’t know. I was just drawn to you for some reason. I thought you seemed lonely like me. You were the only one in the factory not doing small talk.’

Memories of chatting with Snowren and Mistlebo played in Bellomir’s mind. What was Santa talking about? He always conversed with people… He suddenly remembered the truth. Those memories were from after starting this situationship with Santa. Love filled Bellomir’s heart, almost overflowing into tears.

‘I wanted a friend, honest!’ Santa added. ‘But then you hugged me that night, and everything changed.’ He scratched his own cheek. ‘I kind of like it when you take charge.’ He sighed. ‘But, to go any further when you work for me…’

‘Alright, then. I’ll get another job. I hear the reindeer barn is looking for work.’

‘But I still work with them-’

‘At least I won’t be working under you.’

‘Are you really willing to go this far? You’d have to move out of your apartment-’

‘Can I move into yours, then?’ Bellomir asked with his pointer finger against Santa’s chest. He leaned in closer and whispered in his ear again. ‘Please, Nicholas?’ When he leant back, he spotted the golden frame of the photo of Mr and Mrs Claus. He closed his eyes and spoke at the speed of the machine in the factory. ‘If you think Mrs Claus would be okay with it. You’re still grieving, after all. It’s only been a few months and I’d hate to interrupt that process-’

A belly laugh from Santa roared through the room. ‘You’re really worried about that? She would be happy to see me happy.’ He smirked and whispered in Bellomir’s ear. ‘In fact, we occasionally brought in a third person.’

Now Bellomir’s cheeks were reddening. ‘I… I see.’

Santa reached behind Bellomir’s head and threaded his fingers through his curls. ‘May I, my dear Bello?’ he asked as he took a candy cane from the pocket, unwrapped it with one hand and bit a big piece off. He speedily chewed it into smaller pieces and swallowed it all.

The answer was given not by words but by a peck on the lips, which quickly became another one, then a series of deeper kisses that went on for several blissful minutes. The scent of eggnog and brandy was still on Santa’s breath, but the minty taste of the candy cane mostly covered it. Bellomir thanked Santa’s courteousness with more kissing. Despite the icy coolness of the peppermint, everything else about Santa was warm and comforting, from his arm wrapped around Bellomir’s waist, pulling him closer, to his soft lips. The couple’s movements were slow and delicate but passionate.

When they finally pulled themselves away, Bellomir sat on his lap and cuddled him. They silently stayed in the chair, Santa resting his chin on Bellomir’s head as he ran his fingers through his hair. Eventually, Bellomir buried the fireplace in cool ashes until the flames went out, hopped back on his lap, and rested in his big, cosy arms. 

‘Good night, Baby,’ Bellomir whispered as he drifted into a pleasant sleep. Snow began to fall outside, but neither man could feel the cold.

[lieblingspulli]

Need Something? - SKZ

W.C: 2.3k

Seungmin x Reader

Summary: Two days converge into one as you and Seungmin unwind for the day!

Masterlist!

SKZ Masterlist

Note: Hey! It’s been a while but I got inspired by my extreme procrastination of my schoolwork to make something. I’ve been just itching to write about super mundane things tbh, I’ve been just so busy, I’m appreciating the mundane much more lately. Hope you all like it <3

Seungmin was extremely relaxed after his daily coffee run. If there was anything to start his morning peacefully, it was nicely flavored americano and an empty cafe. Today would be a good day, Seungmin resolved to himself. He would get his choreo memorized, sing some demos for Chan today and maybe even go live for a lunchtime mukbang session. Today would be a great day in fact. He felt so at peace that he felt he could do anything today, even the laundry that had been sitting in the corner of his room for like a week at home. Today would be good. 

You personally felt victimized today. Nothing like sleeping through the most important meeting of the quarter to start your morning. You spent all of last night typing out your important charts and notes, Seungmin couldn’t even lure you into bed with warm cuddles and extra attention.

Despite this, Seungmin had kissed you to sleep endlessly when you did join him at an early 3 in the morning. You felt so bad for keeping him awake, but Seungmin didn’t have an important quarterly report to type, you did. Resigning to a stern lecture from your coworkers, you let the morning do its thing. You used the last of the coffee pods that Seungmin left you and fed your tiny, old dog before hurrying out the door. Let’s get this day over with, you thought. 

-

Right before you left work for the day, you sent Seungmin a text.

Just getting out of work. When do u get home?🥲-Y

Almost immediately Seungmin answered. 

Maybe around 7. :( Srry bby -S

Can you squeeze out an early send off from chris??? Tell him I broke my finger -Y

You’re funny. Let me work my magic ;) -S

Lmk how that goes, if not just tell my chrissy I said hi and he still owes me some nachos from when he ate mine -Y 

Some time went by as you waited for a reply. You watched the fall colors of the trees pass you by as the bus took you to your homestop. Something about fall calmed your nerves. Luckily, the quarterly meeting had been postponed because the division manager had a cold, which totally saved your butt. You sighed and felt a vibration from your phone. 

Chan$$ venmoed you 10 usd 

You grinned and sighed. Opening up your messages with Seungmin, you shook your head and laughed. 

Why did chan send me 10 dollars in usd 🤔 -Y

bro???? -Y

He said because you keep pestering him for an american dish -S

Tell him I’ll enjoy it very much thxxx  -Y

He also said you have to share with him when you get them -S

Why dont you just text him urself omg -S

You just sent him an emoji with your tongue sticking out. 

Oh hey did he let you out tho? -Y

No -S

We have a weird schedule today bc of the morning show tm -S

Srry bb -S

Its OK. have fun xoxo -Y

You pulled the bus signal and gathered your stuff. The time on your phone read 4:26. Technically speaking, you should be at work, but was let out early due to the manager being gone and the meeting had everyone done with work. Maybe you would cook some lasagna according to your mom’s recipe. Or take Luna (your fossilized age dog) out on a walk. You didn’t really seem to know what to do because of this peculiar on-edge feeling. 

It was peaceful around you as you hopped off the bus. An ajumma was reading her book on the bus stop bench. A 16 year old student and his friend were arguing over a bag of chips. A business man was walking presumably home from work. 

You pulled your coat a little tighter around you as you started to walk in the direction of yours and Seungmin’s place. The cold air had picked up in a bit of a breeze as you passed the corner store which was next to the salon that was owned by your neighbor down the hallway. Eventually you made it to your building and walked into the warm main hallway. 

Seungmin’s schedule was unexpectedly busy today. Despite his peaceful start, the choreographer made some changes to the new dance they were learning for a unit video with Leeknow and Jeongin. Leeknow, being the particular dancer he always was, made the choreo hour seem like 3. Afterwards, Chan said his demo tracks still weren’t ready but he could send one of them over for a listen. This left Seungmin a bit of freetime before lunch, so he decided to walk to the new chocolate store that opened down the street and buy you some mocha and espresso choco bites. With his goodies in hand, Seungmin proceeded to go about his day as normal, except for the fact that Jisung was freaking out when he met with Seungmin for lunch over how his recording session went terribly and he needed to reschedule soon because the tracks needed to be edited soon. All of Jisung’s stress made its way to Seungmin and started to give him an icky feeling. The best he could do was offer some comfort to Han by offering to help him on the vocals when he had a chance. This seemed to help him a bit. Not soon after, You texted Seungmin and this put him at ease. Running off after lunch, Seungmin found Chan in his studio working on the aforementioned demos. Trying to guilt trip his most loyal leader, Seungmin found himself getting an apologetic “Sorry min but the schedule is packed after 3:30. It's best to stay the day I think” from Chan. Welp. 

From here on, it was utter chaos. When Seungmin got to the group meeting room for a debrief on the morning schedule, no one but the manager was there. Everyone was late, Hyunjin didn’t have anything but a coffee and his phone because he forgot his laptop at home, Jeongin was sniffing because he was recovering from a cold, Leeknow was late because of a dance practice, Chris and Changbin were late because of the demo fixing, Jisung walked in with a second lunch, and Felix just lost track of time. Who knows what happened after that.  

In between song rehearsals, Seungmin replied to your text and apologized for the continuing schedule. He sensed your day hadn’t gone according to plan but he really couldn’t do much at the moment. Jisung was pestering him to help him with some vocals and he reluctantly agreed to a bit of help after the rehearsal. So much for going home early. 

After he grabbed his bag to head to Jisung’s studio room, he texted you again to make sure you were okay. 

Are you bored without me yet -S

Seungmin swung the door open and started slowly heading down the dimly lit hallway to let Jisung catch up. 

No Luna decided to spit up her lunch. Also the coffee machine broke -Y

My beloved coffee machine 🙁 -S

Seungmin got startled when he felt some hands on his shoulder. Jisung had caught up. 

“What did you think about that rehearsal huh?” Jisung chuckled and readjusted his hoodie over his head. “Personally, I don’t know if I’ll survive tomorrow.” He shook his head and grimaced. 

“Ah, it's fine. It’s strange because everyone was late but tomorrow won’t be that bad. I need a vacation after though.” Seungmin chuckled and stuffed his phone in his back pocket before heading into the elevator after Jisung. 

“Bro I’ve got so many tracks to finish and turn in, it’s insane.” 

“Tell me about it, I’ve got a bunch of people asking me for help.” Seungmin laughed and nudged at Jisung teasingly. Jisung got a bit embarrassed and slapped his arm playfully.

“I’m looking forward to the weekend.” Jisung sighed. 

“Me too.” Seungmin agreed wholeheartedly and followed his companion into the studio hallway.

-

Finally, 7pm hit the clock. You quickly set the table and hopped in the shower. All the unease in your stomach had made you do odd chores around the house to get your mind off of the feeling. You made your homemade lasagna, did 2 loads of laundry, vacuumed the whole house, and cleaned out the fridge. Still, you felt unfinished. The whole day at work, people had been asking for your assistance on different tasks and now that you did jobs for yourself, it didn’t feel satisfying enough. Additionally, you tried making your favorite caramel latte but the machine broke. You sighed as you washed your hair. After you got out and was on step 3 of your skincare routine, you heard the front door open and close, signaling the return of your boyfriend. 

Seungmin took the choco bites out of his bag before setting it on its designated hook in the hallway. Luna ran up to Seungmin and excitedly pawed at his shoes for pets. Suengmin smiled and crouched down to pet her before talking sweet nonsense despite her being a dog. 

You walked out from the bedroom, careful not to startle Seungmin and snickered a bit. 

“And here I thought I was the one going to get extra attention.” You teased. 

Seungmin stood up and waddled over to you with arms open wide. 

“Babyyyyyyyy. I missed you so” He said in his best baby voice. You adored Minnie. “Don’t strangle me Min.” You pouted. 

“I’m sorry, I just had a weird day.” You could hear his visible pout and you rubbed his back.

“Did you need something then? A kiss? Some food?” Seungmin held you out at arm’s length and got suddenly very serious.

“That is the first time someone has asked me that all day.” You giggled at his distraught face, knowing he was pouting about not getting enough attention. 

“Aw, my poor baby boy didn’t get enough love from his friends did he?” You smiled teasingly. He dramatically nodded yes and then seemed to have an epiphany. 

“Oh! I have something for you!” He ran over to the table and picked up a fancy yellow pastry box before opening them and stretching them out to you. 

“Aw, baby, you didn’t have to.” You picked up a chocolate cookie looking thing and bit into it. You expected a cruncy texture, but got more of a caramel bite of brownie spongieness. You sighed in pleasure and closed your eyes to savor the taste. 

“Mmmm! This is so good. Where did you get these from?” You opened your eyes. 

“There’s a new pastry shop by the JYP building! I thought you could use a pick me up today.” He stared at you excitingly, happy that you were happy. He happily walked back to the table and set down the box before sauntering to the kitchen. 

“Thanks Min, I really appreciate it. I needed the surprise.” He looked back at you and curiously asked what was wrong. 

“Ah, I just had a bad start to the morning. My meeting got delayed and I’ve been feeling weird all day.” You walked to the counter and began to plate some lasagna. “I did make my favorite dish for dinner though.” You felt arms wrap around you waist and a chin prop on your shoulder. 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t do more, baby. Do you need something from me? Sometimes you just need someone to take care of you to feel better.” Suengmin said sweetly. You leaned your head back against him. 

“You’re too nice to me you know that right?” You sighed and got back to serving the food.

“No, I’m so serious right now. I feel like everyone asks so much of us that we don’t just get to take care of eachother.” He helped you carry the dishes to the table as he maintained the conversation. 

“So many people asked me for favors today. I realized how much I just wanted to go home and listen to someone ask about my day. I feel like that would make you feel better. So, I’ll do just that!” He happily exclaimed this last point and pulled out your chair for you to sit down in. You smiled and puckered your lips for a kiss. He happily obliged. You sweetly kissed him and said, “Min, all I want from you is your attention and your cuddles.” You giggled. He smiled and quickly grabbed some juice from the fridge before running to the table to sit down like a child. 

“Okay, tell me about your day. I want to know everything. I also want to know what I can do to make you feel better. Think of it as a master plan. Plan Y/N: Make Y/N feel loved and appreciated for all they do for everyone.” He motioned with his hands across the space in front of him. 

You shook your head and began from the very beginning. Seungmin listened the whole time and attentively ate while making agreeable sounds. Watching you be so animated about a normal day was so attractive to him, he thought to himself that he would spend all his days like today if he could return to you and listen to you speak. As dinner winded down, he held your hand across the table and spoke about his schedule that day. Although he was being pestered all day with favors, he felt that this one task that was given to him by you would never be an annoying one. He would gladly ask if you needed something from him if it meant giving you extra love and attention.

[smutty-books]

Hoodie Guy Chapter 3

Eminem x Reader

Summary:A surprising start to the morning, a conversation and a meeting

Eminem/reader, Marshall matters/reader, reader’s sons, Paul Rosenberg

-----------------------------------

Chapter 3

You awaken to your alarm and the sound of a text message. You groan and stretch and lay under your comforter for a few blissful minutes before reaching over to check your phone, wondering if it was your coworker/best friend texting to say she wouldn’t be clinic in again today. You are pleasantly surprised to see its from Marshall. You hurriedly open it with a smile on your face.

M: Mornin’, y/n. Just wanted to tell you I enjoyed talkin’ to you last night and look forward to workin’ out tonight. Maybe we can talk a little more after? Maybe get some coffee?

You smiled at the message and at the thoughtfulness. You quickly replied back.

Y: Good morning! 😁 I’d like that! I had a good time talking with you too. Have a great day? Are you working today?

M: Sounds good. I’ve got to go into the studio today for some meeting my manager has set up. Then I’ve got some tracks I need to work on. What you got going on that has you up so early?

Y:Nice! Well I hope you have a great day and that it’s productive. I’m usually up this early, to get my boys up and going to school and then I work part-time at a clinic.

You added the part about your boys without thinking about it. Marshall didn’t reply back and you didn’t think anything of it, knowing he was a busy man. You stretched again when your phone rang. Looking at the display you saw it was Marshall. Your eyebrows shot up and you wondered why he was calling.

“Are you married?” His voice started in a low growly tone but ended on a high note. It was cute. You furrowed your brow wondering where this was coming from.

“Nooooooo. Why?” You asked slowly, your poor brain trying to put pieces together without it’s morning shot of caffeine. He huffed impatiently.

“You said your boys. You have to get your boys ready for school. You have kids?” he demanded. You started to get a little defensive at the interrogation right off the bat and at his accusatory tone. You stilled a moment and took a deep breath and released it.

“ Good morning to you to, Marshall. Yes, I slept well. Did you sleep well? Good glad to hear it. Now that the pleasantries are out of the way, your questions. I’m divorced, for about 12 years now, almost as long as I was married. And 2, I have 3 sons from that marriage. The two youngest live with me and the oldest is in their Force” You answered his questions calmly and quietly, knowing that it was best to bring him down to your level instead of rising up to his. You waited patiently for what was to come next. You heard him take a breath and then exhale loudly. In the background you could family hear a female voice. “See dad! Told you there was an explanation. Give her a chance dad.” The female voice could be heard saying.

“ Marshall, is everything okay? What brought this on?” You asked patiently and quietly with a firm voice. You heard him once again inhale and exhale.

“You a mom alright, you got that mom tone down.” He grumbled. You smiled at the petulant tone, sensing he was willing to talk.

“ I’ve had a lot of practice. You ever try raising three boys? Herding cats!” You exclaimed dramatically, hamming it up. You heard him chuckle.

“ Yeah, well, girls ain’t no picnic neither. Especially nosy, interfering ones!!!” He said the last part rather loudly and pointedly.” You love me!” you heard the voice retort back. You chuckled at the exchange cause its one you would have with your 16-year-old son. You heard him take another deep breath and then let it out.

“ I’m sorry, ” he said quietly, sincerely. You raised an eyebrow sensing this wasn't easy for him to say.

“ Apology accepted,” you said softly. You heard him sigh out in relief.

“ How about we get coffee this evening and just play 20 questions?” You proposed softly. You heard him chuckle.

“I’m sure there’s not much you don’t know about me.” He started derisively.

“I'm not going to lie; I’ve read a lot about you, your autobiographies, and other books, mainly because you fascinate me. I’ve watched reaction videos to better understand your raps and bars and lyrics. And I've watched your interviews. I know those pieces of you don't make up the whole. Knowing that, it’s up to you to decide if you want to still meet and get to know each other or run for the hills right now. No hard feeling. You won’t have lost a fan either.” You told him quietly and honestly. He was quiet for awhile.

“You must be a damn saint. Most chicks woulda reamed me out by now.” He admitted ruefully. You smiled.

“ Not a saint, Marshall, far from it. Your reaction is understandable so I get it, trust me.” You said softly.

“Mom, Andrew is saying bad words” you hear through your door. You hear Marshall chuckle. “ Stupid is not a bad word.” You hear your 16 year old call back. “ Andrew, bad word” Nicks voice yells

“ That sounds familiar.” He stated sympathetically.

“Mommy will be right out, sweetheart.” you called to your youngest son.

“ Mom duty calls. I’ll let you get to your boys. So tonight? Same time but at the coffee shop next to the gym?” Marshall asked, confirming your plans.

“ Sounds good, I’ll meet you there.Have a great day, Marshall. Spit some good raps. I’ll see you tonight” you told him with a smile.

“ Aight, later. Have a good day, y/n.” And hung up. You laid there for a few moments bemused at the turn of the morning until you heard,

“ Moooooommmm. ..”

“Coming!!!!!!” you say as you get out of bed and go to start your day, looking forward to the night but nervous as you hadn’t been out with a guy in a long time.

You go to the kitchen and quickly get coffee brewing and breakfast going for your boys as well as setting out your boys’ morning meds. You ran back to your room and threw on I your scrubs, pulled your hair back into a bun, and put on some make-up, taking a little more time as you had a meeting with some manager about contracting with your clinic for services for their clients. Your boss had been a little light on the details, so you weren't sure who the client was, but your boss was excited.

You hurriedly rush back into the kitchen make yourself a protein shake with some frozen fruit and pour some coffee into a Contigo cup. You add some oat creamer. You next, fill up your water bottle with ice and then water. That done you turn your attention to your sons. Your 16-year-old was eating cereal and playing on his phone. Your 12-year-old was eating pancakes and a banana and playing on his tablet. You rolled your eyes and got onto both boys about electronic use at the table. You checked the time and realized it was time for them to get to the bus stop.

“ Come on boys, finish up or you’ll be late for the bus.” you urge your boys on as you grab your lunch bag that you had packed the night before and your assorted cups. Ypu hustled the boys put the door and made sure your door was locked. You saw Nick’s bus pulling up and you made sure he got on and greeted the bus driver and the helper. Once his bus had pulled away, Andrew’s bus pulled up to take him to the high school. You watched him get on and the bus pull away and then made your way to your car. You checked your time and then started for the clinic.

On the drive you contemplated your meeting with Marshall tonight and once again couldn’t believe you were not only talking to Eminem but you were comfortable with him which you never thought would happen in a million years. He was so down to earth though, very humble and kinda awkward and shy and easy to get along with. Which again was surreal to even think that.When you got to the clinic your first patients were signed in and waiting their treatment. You got to work after checking when the meeting was. Your doctor told you noon. Angie walked in shortly afterward and you both work seamlessly treating your patients. You said goodbye to your lady client of the morning at 1130. Your boss revealed where you were going which was a recording studio.

You each took your own vehicle and pulled up outside a warehouse looking building. It did not look like a recording studio. It looked familiar to you though and your mind started to puzzle things together. “ Hey, Doc, what’s this guys name?” Ypu asked conversationally, already knowing the answer “ Rosenberg. Paul Rosenburg.” You boss answered. The pieces clicked and you remembered Marshall said he had a meeting set up.

“Eminem’s manager?” You clarified, trying to decide how you felt about this.You saw Angie perk up and immediately felt a sinking feeling in your stomach. Angie was everything you weren’t and very flirtatious and vivacious. Marshall would take one look at her and fall for her charm and you’d be out. Angie had said on multiple occasions she would fuck all three of his personas. You struggled to put on professional expression. Marshall was a grown man and could make his own decisions. You self consciously messed with your bun, wondering if you should have taken it down. All three of you walked into the building and greeted the receptionist.

“ Detroit Nerve Center to see Mr. Rosenberg” your boss told the receptionist. The receptionist picked up the phone.

“Paul, Detroit Nerve Center is here.” She listened for a few seconds. “ I’ll send them up.”

She gave you directions to his office. You all thanked her and made your way to Paul’s office.

[nat-20s]

8 for jmart?

#8- constantly cheacking their messages for words from the other

what else was I gonna do? here's some classic ol' season 3 pining babey

Hello Martin. This is Jon. I have gotten a new phone after losing my last one, please put in the new number.

It's a simple message. Straightforward, factual, and utilitarian. There is no reason that pressing send should make his heart race. There's especially no reason that the second he sends it off, he's tempted to lie on the deeply uncomfortable, likely bedbug infested motel mattress staring at his screen until he gets a response. Sure, he's sick of being overseas, and he's sick of being so isolated, and he's sick of running, but he's not...desperate for what little companionship can even be provided by words on a screen.

He does miss Martin, though. He misses Tim as well, but in a manner that's significantly more complex and knotted than the simple desire to be around him.

God, when did he start wanting to just be around Martin? He started being aware of that want when he was at Georgie's, but he has no idea when the want itself actually started. That was probably something he should examine. Technically speaking, that is something that he has time to examine, but he doesn't want to examine right now. Right now, he wants the comfort of perhaps one of the only people out there that doesn't want to kill him, or use him, or both.

Martin, whether through somehow sensing Jon's discontent from nearly 4000 miles away or, more likely, through a general dutifulness inherent to his character, only takes a few minutes to reply. Oh good! it'd been a little bit since hearing from you, we were somewhat worried. putting you in my contacts as we speak :)!

Saying that "we" were worried is almost certainly generous on Martin's part, but Jon feels no need to point that out. Instead he turns on his side and stares at the phone. He particularly focuses on the smiley face, ridiculously charmed by the fact that, despite everything, Martin hasn't lost his predilection for emojis. Two years ago, he would've rolled his eyes, maybe thought something snide about professionalism. It wouldn't have been fair, as Tim used to do the same thing and he thought nothing of it, but he wasn't fair back then. Now, he simply wonders if he can get away with sending one back.

Before he can respond, Martin sends another message. Are you actually alright? I realized I was kind of assuming that losing your phone was the only reason you were MIA, but is anything else going on?

Damn. He tends to forget how perceptive Martin can be. What, exactly, Martin had perceived in that first message, Jon couldn't be sure, but apparently there was something that tipped him off to the..eventful last week he'd had. He really, really doesn't feel like getting into all of that right now, especially not over text, so instead he replies a mostly truthful I'm fine.

Then, squinting at the screen and realizing that might come across as a dismissal, he adds, Well, other than trying not to contemplate the general sanitation practices of a motel that clearly hasn't updated it's decor since the 70s. I'm suspecting the sheets are much the same.

He doesn't know how Martin will react to the message. He can't see the face he'll make, won't know the tone of his voice. However, he likes to imagine that Martin will at least smile. Maybe he'll even give that breath of a laugh, the one that sometimes happens when Jon's being lightly acerbic and it's not directed at him. He doesn't know, but he does hope for it. Martin texts back Oof. Maybe sleep on top of the covers tonight, yeah?, and Jon thinks that he might have guessed Martin's reaction correctly.

Christ, who knew all it took was a combination of jetlag and threats to turn him into a sap. He needs to sleep. He really needs a deep, proper, uninterrupted sleep, one lasting a minimum of eight hours and ideally closer to fifteen. Checking the time, it would be a fairly reasonable time to sleep, especially with the early start he has tomorrow. He considers sending off a quick good night message, but then has the realization that as reasonable as it is for him to be asleep right now, it's just as unreasonable for Martin to be awake. Are you alright? Good lord, Martin, it's almost 4am over there. Did I wake you?

Barely 30 seconds pass before he gets back no, you're good!

A beat, then a follow up message. I've had a irregular sleep schedule since I was like 16. A lot of evening and night shifts had a lasting impact u know? Working at the institute made it a bit more consistent but it's still p rare that i sleep the same eight hours night to night.

Jon's starts to text back something sympathetic; he's had his own struggles with both in- and hyper- somnia, but his phone buzzes in his hand before he can finish it.

Sorry! That was uh probably more information than you wanted.

Well, that just won't do. Even if there wasn't a part of his brain that had recently started collecting facts about Martin like they were precious jewels instead of mostly mundane stories, he doesn't want Martin to think he can't talk to him about things outside of the standard bounds of coworkers. Not at all. We're friends, Martin, I enjoy learning about you.

His brain wants to catastrophize the second he presses send. For the first minute that Martin doesn't reply, he doesn't let it. After the second minute, he allows the minor worry to become more severe. Had it been too much? Were they friends? Jon certainly thought so, but what if Martin wasn't in the same boat? Their interactions had been entirely friendly for months now, but what if that was just Martin being polite? God, what if Martin still thought of Jon as his boss, nothing more?

Ten minutes. It takes ten minutes for Martin to finally respond, and Jon has almost called him four times to explain himself. Ten minutes, and the first response is only Oh!

Then: Cool

Well, that's not a "piss off and die", but it's not exactly comforting. Jon doesn't know how to reply, staring at the words on his screen and not entirely sure if he's fucked up or not. Fortunately, Martin's not done responding, and the next message is much, much better.

Hey uh. Feel free to say no I know it's getting late over there but. Im not getting back to sleep for the rest of the day and itd be nice to actually hear you. Would you be okay with a call?

Without a moment's hesitation, he texts back Yes!, exclamation and all, because he's become someone he barely recognizes. The phone rings just as immediately, and he feels his entire body relax at Martin's first "Hello?"

Things are difficult right now. Things have been difficult ever since the promotion that was a curse in disguise. The world is filled with monsters he barely understands. He wishes he was home despite the fact that he barely recognizes it, as filled with tension and strife as it is. There's so much to discuss, so many things they should be hammering out. But right now, the threats are not pressing. Right now, he can hear about the bad true crime documentary Martin half-watched before he got Jon's texts, and Jon can bitch about the three different "pip pip cheerio" comments he's gotten since coming over seas. Right now, and for the hour before Jon drifts off, breathing slow and deep, he can pretend that this is an ordinary phone call, in an ordinary world, between two people who simply miss each other an extraordinary amount.

[heyheyloki]

U&I

Summary: The reader begins to realize his feelings for Saiki.

Saiki x M!Reader

Word Count: 8711

1. The Best Friends

Being friends with a psychic definitely had its ups and downs. At first, you didn’t notice a thing out of the ordinary with Saiki, well, granted you were kids when the both of you met so naturally you just wanted to be friends and thought nothing more. However, he noticed something odd with you the moment you two met.

He couldn’t read your mind.

Actually forget being about to read your mind, none of his psychic abilities worked on you. He couldn’t see through you and when he touched you without his super thin transparent gloves on nothing happened. You were basically immune to him.

At first, he thought something was wrong with you, or that maybe you had some psychic powers as well. That wasn’t the case at all. In reality, you were a normal human without any powers or tricks. That stumped Saiki even more, but it also became the soul reason he wanted to be your friend as well.

For one, he didn’t have to deal with your thoughts. Two, his image of you wasn’t ruined because he can’t see under your skin. Three, your calmer personality made him relax. And of course all those other things like your kindness and stuff, but those were irrelevant the moment he knew he couldn’t read your mind.

It’s been years since he met you in the park during recess, and now here you guys were, 16 years later and still friends. Oh, there was one thing that bothered him about you.

“What to hang out today?” You asked as you slung your bag over your shoulder.

“Sure.” Saiki said. Yep. That’s right, since he can’t get in your mind, he actually has to move his mouth when he talks to you.

It was a bit weird to others that he never did it with anyone else other than you, but he didn’t care.

On the way home he couldn’t help but notice you eyeing his antennas, the things that keep his powers stable. He turned his head towards you and gave you a curiosity look.

“Do those things poke at your head at all?” You asked, moving you hand up to poke at the top of the pink ball. “Like, does it make your head ichy?”

Saiki shook his head. He knew he had to talk to you at some points, but times like these he didn’t. He enjoyed that about you too, that you don’t force him to talk all the time. You knew it was a bit weird for him to talk, he explained it to you when he told you all about his powers.

“Hm,” you hummed out. Your hands going back at your side and into your pant pockets. “It would for me, if I was you. They just look painful, but I guess you gotta do what you gotta do if you don’t wanna blow up the world.”

Saiki nodded his head, his eyes continuing to linger on you. It was one days like these when he saw you thinking so hard about something that he wished he could just take a peak. At some points, he loved the silence, especially when the both of you were watching movies, but right now, especially in this moment, he’d give anything to know. It was mostly prominent when he’d stare at you during class and you’d have this far out look in your orbs, you drew him in, and perhaps that’s why he fell for you.

Though, there were other factors that won his favor. Mostly the fact that, unlike everyone else, he can’t stare right through you and just see your raw muscles and pumping organs. Instead, he was able to focus on your handsome face and not get side tracked about your racing thoughts. You were the only person in the world that make him feel somewhat normal. That was a love-hate relationship at times.

“Think I could sleep over tonight?” You suddenly asked, “we don’t have school tomorrow.”

Saiki stared at you for a moment just to relish in that fact that nothing worked on you. No telekinesis, mind control, no nothing. He was going to have to win your favor just like everyone else. To him, it wasn’t normal, but looking at you, he didn’t seem to mind the extra work.

“Sure,” Saiki said. He still had trouble talking aloud, hell, sometimes he will actually use telekinesis and wait for your response only to have pure silence. “My parents are leaving for a wedding, so the house should be free for a while.”

When the two of you got to Saiki’s house, it was a bit peaceful until his parents had to head out. You liked his mom and dad a lot, they were like your second family, so you wanted to wish them a good time. It was for one Saiki’s dad’s coworkers.

“Are you sure you don’t wanna come with us?” Saiki’s dad asked his son. “You’ve met Kirishima before, and you can bring [Name] as your plus one date.”

You knew Saiki wasn’t going to be interested in a wedding. He always told you normal happy events for others is misery for him since he can hear the jealousy and pity that the crowd is thinking. You felt sorry that he couldn’t turn it off, but you were glad that you were the only person he could catch a break with. However, when you looking over at Saiki, he seemed to entertain the thought.

It was a new side to Saiki, one that made you confused. It was always either you or no one. You could tell the way he wanted to get away from many of the people in his class that seemed to have declared themselves his friends from a small interaction. Sure, you felt their interest, but it was just a bit sad to you that Saiki could never actually enjoy friends unless they were pure. Otherwise, he could hear all the backstabbing thoughts or otherwise stupid comments that go around in their brain that was thought to be private to them.

“I’m going to have to pass,” you commented. “I don’t have a suit, besides, you two should enjoy the night. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you both go out alone.”

Saiki’s mom smiled widely at you. Her eyes clouding over with a wet film before wrapping her arms around you for a tight hug. “Ah, thank you, [Name]! What would we do without you?”

You chuckled softy at the comment before saying, “Who knows, I rather not think about that.”

When she finally let you go, you and Saiki waved the both of them off as they left. Honestly, you weren’t sure if they’d even make it back at a reasonable time. It was a wedding, after all. Oh well, as long as they make it back drunk and safe rather than drunk and not safe, you didn’t mind. You were sleeping over anyway, so right now, you just wanted to hang out with your childhood best friend.

“What do you wanna do?” You asked with a calming tone.

Saiki turned his head to you. “TV?”

“Sure,” you smiled. However, as soon as you turned to the living room, you noticed the absolute mess his parents left behind. So, out of the goodness of your heart, you said, “How about you find something and all clean up this in the meantime. Sound good?”

Saiki nodded once more. He truly thought your actions were kind, but he rather have you watching TV with him than picking up his dad’s dirty clothes. He knew his father tended to be sloppy, but this was just a mess.

As you were about to pick up a pair of jeans, all the clothes that were strewn about the floor suddenly started to float in the air and shoot into the open washing machine. The trash floated itself into the garage while everything else was moved around to make it look clean until otherwise.

You pressed your lips together as your brows furrowed in annoyance. Once you turned to Saiki and saw his innocence face, you knew you couldn’t be angry but you had to ask, “Do you really want me to watch TV with you that bad?”

“Yes,” Saiki stated.

You sighed, your lips parting as you left the oxygen leave your lungs. “Fine, but let’s both clean up a bit before than. It’ll be a nice surprise and a way to thank your parents for letting me stay the night.”

Saiki nodded. “Okay.”

It took a bit of convincing on your end to let him let you help out. You may not have powers, but you didn’t want to take advantage of his. You knew it was effortless and he made it seem like it didn’t affect him whatsoever, but you knew every time he does something it takes a toll. His powers aren’t perfect.

You both ended up cleaning the living room, Saiki’s room, and now you were in the kitchen sorting the trash. Saiki was using his powers to sort while you whipped down the countertops.

“Good grief,” Saiki said aloud, his voice drawing your eyes to him. He was crouched down with two bags in front of him and the garage floating upside down, it’s contents was either going in the first or second bag.

“What?” You asked curiosity. It wasn’t all the time that he speaks from his mouth without you talking first.

“How could anyone have let it get this dirty in here?” He asked aloud. “I mean, really it’s a wonder we don’t have bugs.”

You were going to respond. That was until he suddenly shut his mouth, a chest deep grunt leaving him as you notice him stare at something on the furniture next to him.

It was a cockroach.

Mind you, the moment you realized what it was you weren’t the least bit surprised when he suddenly teleported. Saiki hates bugs. He could read the minds of humans, as well as animals, but he couldn’t with bugs. He thought they were small minded icky things. Hell, he couldn’t even let his powers touch the thing.

You counted down the seconds before he came back. It was around ten, maybe fifteen. He also teleported right behind you.

“Welcome back,” you greeted and watched as his eyes dart towards the floor.

“Sorry, I may have overreacted.” He muttered. “I just hate them.”

“I know,” you hummed out before looking around and grabbing a cup and piece of paper. Saiki watched you as you let the roach crawl on the piece of paper before placing the cup over it so it didn’t run away. You were quick to put it outside and close the window after so Saiki didn’t worry about it coming back in.

“All gone,” you cheered with a smile. “Now, let’s watch TV, ya?”

2. Saiki’s Pushy Friends

PK Academy was a school were many different personalities and people collided. It was always fun to meet new people in this school, yet on the other side of the coin, sometimes they were more than a little odd. Not like you can speak, your best friend was a psychic. Though, he wasn’t delusional like this one guy in your class that declared himself Saiki’s friend. His name was Kaido. He thinks he has powers and has an evil organization following him around.

Then, you have Nendou. Basically, he’s stupid. Not that you minded, but sometimes being stupid isn’t the best thing in the world, especially now.

It was the sports festival at PK and Saiki and you had to participate in it. You both were on the same team since all the teams were decided by class. This also gave you a good idea of the friends Saiki has made. It was safe to say that Kaido was growing on you. You felt a little bad for the guy, what can you say.

Let’s not forget about Hairo as well. You knew him a bit more from hearsay than the others, plus he was class rep. Though, you had to say, he was a little too overly enthusiastic.

It was kind of a surprise to see Teruhashi, the most popular girl in school, try and interact with Saiki. Though, it was a bit amusing since to him, she’s nothing more than walking muscle. However, you did think he would swoon over her like all the other guys in your school if she was like you. However, you knew Saiki had no interest in romance so you don’t care either way.

Finally, Nendou. You were originally going to say that you didn’t mind the guy that much and thought maybe he would be a good thing for Saiki. However, after just watching him take out one of the antennas from Saiki’s head, you started to wonder how much of a danger his stupidity is to Saiki.

You watched that pink haired friend of yours collapse to the ground with a hard thud as soon as Nendou pull the thing out of his head. You were quick to rush over to him and sit by his side. When you flipped him over, since he fell face forward, worry grew about your body and infected your bloodstream.

You heard protests about turning him over, but at this point all the worried voices drowned before they were even audible to you. His lips were parted as drool leaked from his mouth and went down his chin, his eyes dead and without life as darkness surrounded them. It didn’t take you long to recover and swipe the antenna Nendou was holding and pop it back in its rightful place in his pink locks.

You didn’t know how long it would take for him to wake up, or if he’d wake up at all. All you knew was to sit and wait for him to wake up. To your surprise, he woke up rather quickly. Maybe a mere minute or so after you fixed him up. When his eyes opened, you felt yourself suddenly get surrounded as Saiki’s friends crowed over him to ask how he was.

You noticed him using telepathy to talk to everyone when Hairo said, “You passed out after Nendou took that think out of your head, lucky for you, [Name] put it back right away!”

“Yeah, he saved your life!” Kaido spit out next, their hands placing on my shoulder out of respect and gratitude. 

Saiki’s eye then direct to you, his voice never leaving his lips for a moment before you noticed him flinch.

‘Ah,’ you thought. ‘He tried to use telepathy with me again.’

When he noticed, Saiki just nodded in your direction. You knew he was thanking you, he didn’t need to word it out to you. The look in his eyes was enough.

Lunch came immediately after Saiki ended up waking up, and it was understatement to say he didn’t want to be bother with anyone else besides you. He was quick to drag you to the roof of the school to eat.

The both of you sat against the railing, lunch in your laps. You wanted I just forget about the scare that Saiki gave you, but the after effects he was having wasn’t making that easy. He was having trouble, and it was easy to see when his hands were shaking so much that he couldn’t even pick up his food without it falling back in the box.

You side eyed him, his expression one of concentration as he tried to pick up his food again. Though, he dropped it again.

He sighed quickly after that, only looking down at his food as you saw his mind wonder off.

Once you finished chewing whatever food you had in your mouth, you placed your food to the side and moved so that you weren’t side to side, but rather across from Saiki’s body now. He didn’t register your movements until he saw a hand come into his view and pick up an item of food with his chopsticks.

When he turned to you, you had the chopsticks in your dominant hand and your other under the food so it didn’t drop to the filthy ground.

“C’mon, lemme help,” you said. It was easy for Saiki to pick up the worry in your tone, however he knew not to address it or else you’ll just either deny it or baby him. “Open up.”

He obeyed your command after a moment, opening his mouth wide enough for you to place his food in his mouth. The hand that was meant to catch the food if it fell made sure Saiki closed his mouth, his fingers placed a bit of pressure under his chin to shut his jaws before slowly trailing away. The food wasn’t nearly as satisfying as the chill that ran down his spine at your lingering touch that crawled on his skin.

“I could hurt you.” He suddenly spit out. It was pained. “Having my antenna taken out messed up my powers.”

You leaned your head to the side, your eyes never falling from his. “Yeah, I kinda figured.”

“You should go.” He stated.

“Why?”

“I just told you.”

You smiled. “Saiki, you could never hurt me.”

He looked at you like you had something stuck in your teeth. “You don’t know that, I may not be able to read your mind, but I don’t know how my other powers react to you.”

You remained quiet for a moment before shuffling your body side by side again, your head falling to rest of Saiki’s shoulder. You felt him flinch at the contact, his muscles even began to tighten just out of fear.

“Yanno,” you started out saying, your hand coming up to play the antenna that you could reach. “It’s odd to me how these things are the only thing keeping you stable.”

“Is it?”

You chuckled and nodded. “Small things like these verses your powers. The thing that gets me is that these things actually win in that fight. Though, I suppose it does complete the look you have.”

“And what look is that?” Saiki asked as he gazed down at you to see your eyes already on him. He could feel his fingers twitch as he watched you say shamelessly, “The cute, mysterious loner type.”

Saiki’s lips parted as he gazed at you. He quickly recomposed himself when he noticed you waiting patiently for him to respond. He sighed before asking, “Mysterious loner? Where’d you get that?”

You laughed before sarcastically questioning, “yep, I wonder where.”

3. Your friends are my friends

You don’t know how you got wrapped into this, but perhaps it’ll allow you to know Saiki’s friends better.

Currently, you were walking with Kaido, Nendou, and Saiki to a good ramen shop Nendou suggested. You were dragged along when Nendou remembered you from the Sports Festival and as Saiki’s friend. They never really got the chance to speak to you since you’re usually out the door as soon as the bell rings, but today they finally caught you.

At some point Teruhashi joined the group, though you feel like she kinda took over since now the boys, except for Saiki and you, were fawning over her. Saiki and you took it upon yourselves to give them all room to talk to her, so you both sorts trailed behind.

It was silent for a while, the only noise was Nendou or Kaido talking to Teruhashi. However, you caught the, “what does that even mean,” that Saiki mumbled under his breath.

“Hm?” You hummed. “What does what mean?”

It was obvious to you he didn’t realize he said that aloud. But he just seemed to be glad that only you heard that.

“Teruhashi wants me to go ‘oh wow’ or something to her.” Saiki revealed. “I don’t even know what that means.”

You kept your gaze on Saiki for a moment. “So, she likes you?”

“I guess,” he muttered. “I think it’s more that I’m the only guy that isn’t kissing her feet.”

You watched Teruhashi interact with Nendou and Kaido. You know that, normally, she wouldn’t take time to hang out with these guys. However, because of her crush on Saiki, she bares with them. In all honesty, she seems a bit perfect. Being able to deal with them just for the person she adores. It’s easy for anyone to do, and not a lot of people would even bother.

“She seems like a good fit for you.” You suddenly uttered out.

When Saiki heard that, he felt his hands twitch. He didn’t like that, not one bit. What irked him the most was that it seemed natural, like you actually meant it. And, of course, he had no way of knowing if those words were genuine or actually forced.

“No way,” Saiki stated coldly. “Never in a million years.”

“Damn, that’s cold, Saiki.” He heard you say, a teasing tone wedged in your voice.

“Why do you keep calling me Saiki, anyway? We aren’t acquaintances.”

“Hm?” You questioned. “I thought you don’t like me calling you by your first name in public?”

Saiki sighed. “Well now I’m telling you I don’t care.”

Saiki knew this way of showing that you were closer to him than anyone would ever be may have been childish on his part, but when he heard his first name come from your lips in front of his other ‘friends’, he felt more than satisfied. 

4. Friendship Can Bring Romance

Being able to rest during class was one of your guilty pleasures. Even if you got called out by your teacher, you didn’t mind. It was better when it was raining outside, the patter of rain when it hit the window made you want to nap.

“Hey,” a voice called out to you. You didn’t listen though, it wasn’t important.

“Hey, [Name],” it called out again. Okay, maybe you should wake up. Then again, sleep. You could always sleep later though.

You fluttered your eyes open as you felt your body being pushed around. When your sight became focused, the blurry figure in front of you showed a blue hair kid. You knew him, but from where?

“Saiki asked me to wake you up, sorry,” he confessed.

Oh, right. That’s Kaido, Saiki’s friend.

“Hm? Where is Kusuo?” You asked in a groggy voice, your hand coming up to wipe your eyes.

“Oh, he went home.” Kaido informed you. “Something just came up, I guess.”

“Alright,” you hummed before the end of your lips pulled upward. “Thank you, Kaido.”

It wasn’t easy for Kaido to wake up the quiet kid. Kaido only met the guy once or twice, and when he was hanging with him, you only stayed close to Saiki. It was kinda odd, but Kaido understood your attachment to the pink haired man. Saiki was Kaido’s first friend, after all, so he knew how awesome the guy was.

Though, he’s never got the chance to speak to you. He knows Saiki never really goes anywhere with you, and somehow you always end up by his side. He just always seemed to miss you when it came to getting the chance to introduce himself so Kaido was pretty glad when you came along the trip to that ramen place, even if it was a dumb and he got distracted by Teruhashi.

Kaido knew you were the closest person to Saiki. He’s pretty sure that not even Nendou is as close to Saiki as you are. And those two are best friends. Kaido didn’t know the extend of how long you two have been friends, but he does know from watching that Saiki has respect for you. So, it was critical that he makes a great impression with you so that he can become closer to Saiki and maybe you as well.

“S-Sure, no problem!” He stuttered, his bandaged hand retracting from your shoulder and holding them up in the air in a surrendered notion.

“Do you live around here at all? I’ll walk you home as a thank you.” You said as you stood from your seat and began to search for your bag.

“What? You don’t have to do that, really, it isn’t necessary!” Kaido spit out quickly, his words jumping all over the place.

“It’s really no trouble at all,” you stated as you put your bag over your shoulder. “C’mon, let’s get going before the rain gets worse.”

The rain eventually stopped when both teens got closer to your house. Kaido’s was further ahead, so he thought it would be better if he just walked you home instead so you didn’t have to walk more than you have to already.

“So, you’ve been friends with Saiki since he was little, huh?” Kaido asked as you explained why Saiki trusts you so much. “That’s pretty awesome! What was he like back then?”

“Pretty much the same.” You answered. “Though he did get more handsome throughout the years, and he used to be kinda sweet. Now, not so much.”

“I see, so you guys have been through it all together.” Kaido replied.

“Basically, though, he did start to worry me a bit since I was his only friend for a really long time,” you confessed. You paused as you looked up at Kaido and gave him a smile, “But I’m glad he finally made a friend like you.”

Kaido could feel his heart beat a million miles an hour just at the words you strung together. He never heard kinder words than those, and he was even more thrilled that he succeeded in making a good impression on Saiki’s childhood friend!

“It’s, uh, n-no problem, really!” Kaido muttered out as his whole face began to fluster, his hands going everywhere.

“Oh,” you hummed out.

“Hm?” Kaido questioned. His nerves going down. “What is it?”

“Did you know you were dragging your scarf the whole time?” You asked curiosity as your hands started to real in the extra fabric.

“What?” He asked out of pure shock. Though, realizing that he doesn’t make a fool out of himself he said, “O-Of course I did! It’s a fashion choice.”

“Not the best one,” you stated as you stepped closer to the blue haired male.

Kaido’s eyes widened as he stated directly into your colored orbs, watching them dance solely for him. It was like getting attention from a loved one, but this attention make him nervous to the point where he thought his face was going to explode with red. Kaido’s lips slowly started to disappear as the scarf started to build up around his shoulders and neck.

“There you go,” you said, “much better. Now your scarf doesn’t get more dirty and you look even better.”

‘Even better? What’s that supposed to mean? Does it.. does it mean he thought I looked good before?!’ Kaido thought.

Kaido let out an awkward laugh as he played with the end of the scarf. “O-Oh, haha, thank you.”

“Sure,” you hummed. “Now let’s get going.”

5. Blessing Turned On Jealousy

What’s that saying, the enemy of my enemy is my friend? Yeah, that’s it. See, that could apply to this yet at the same time it would go a little different.

More like, the enemy of my best friend is my friend. At least for your situation. You see, walking home with Saiki has now turned into walking home with Saiki, Nendou, and Kaido. Not that you mind, but sometimes you really do wish it was back to when Saiki and you got to spend time alone together. However, being friends with Saiki and then having his friends automatically become your friends may have some perks.

Like now. Bumping into Kaido’s mom was totally accidental. But, in the end it payed off. Why?

Because coffee jelly.

“I know it’s not easy being friends with my son because he’s so shy, but please be patient.” Kaido’s mom announced as she placed the coffee jelly down in front of Saiki and you.

“Please don’t say that mama—I mean—mother.” Kaido pleased, his voice cracking as it got higher with embarrassment.

Overall, the beginning was a very nice. Hell, it was damn near perfect. Although, you just had to snoop around. Well, it was more like exploring Kaido’s room.

Your fingertips brushed along the spines of the many books Kaido had stacked up in his bookcase. It was seriously amazing how many books he had, he even had some original copies of some famous old books.

“This is pretty awesome,” you muttered to yourself before your eyes spotted something that didn’t quite match with the others. In all honesty, you were simply curious. However, curiosity did kill the cat. In your case, more like awakened the Saiki K.

“Hey, Kaido, what is the Jet Black Wings?” You asked aloud as the group sat down eating whatever snacks were about. You would always hear either chewing or at least some conversation, but after that question left your mouth it was dead silent. You felt like you killed something, but when you looked over you noticed Kaido’s face beat red. Seriously, his entire face was as red as a blood moon.

“P-Put that back!” He stuttered out, the blue haired boy suddenly running up to you to snatch the book from your hand.

As he reached for it, you held it higher. Even if he was about the same height or maybe a inch or so taller, you just needed to make him miss his hand from grabbing it.

“Don’t be embarrassed, I’m just curious.” You calmly said. “Is it bad or something?”

“N-No! It’s nothing, uh, bad! Just give me it back!” Kaido begged this time around, his hands trying desperately to grab it from you. Okay, maybe you were being a little mean at this point, but it was kinda fun to tease him.

You began to back up as Kaido trying to nab the book in your hand. “Just explain it!”

“No! Never!” He shouted.

You couldn’t help but laugh a little, though, that was your fatal mistake. Having yourself distracted by your own humor, your mind didn’t take into account the pile of prep books scattered about until it was too late. You quickly lost your voice, as well as your balance before slamming your head hard against the wood floors.

“Woah! You guys okay?” Nendou asked out of genuine concern.

As much as you would have liked to answer him, you were too concerned with the pain pounding into your skull like a jackhammer. Seriously, this is gonna give you one massive headache.

You scrunched your nose as your finally gave effort to open your eyes, though, they permanently remained open when you noticed a face staring down at you, a body on top of yours. You guessed that during the fall Kaido tried to save you, but only got dragged along instead.

“H-Hey, um, are you okay?” He asked under his shaky breath.

You only nodded before trying to avoid his gaze in any possible way. The position you were in didn’t help whatsoever in that department. Instead, you hoped that Kaido would take the hint and get off. That plan wasn’t looking too good cause all that was running through his mind was how you looked under him. Let’s say, the thoughts he had left a distaste in Saiki’s mouth.

Originally, he was just gonna let you handle it, but after hearing Kaido’s perverted thoughts about you, that plan blew up.

Saiki stood up, leaving his coffee jelly half eaten before grabbing Kaido by the back of his shirt and yanking him off of you. Saiki gave some strength into that but not enough to launch him into the bookshelf like he wanted too. He knelt down to come to your level and help you up, your massive headache being noticeable when you held onto the back of your head.

“Damnit, that really hurt,” you muttered to yourself but Saiki heard it clear as day.

It wasn’t long after that he took you home as well as the left over coffee jelly. Saiki advised you to stay home a day just to let the pain die down a bit before going back to school, so, the pink haired boy was all alone today. And all alone to everyone else meant to bother him more than usual.

Teruhashi, Nendou, Hairo. All of them. Though, it was a bit weird that Kaido wasn’t bothering with him today. Not that he was complaining, but he couldn’t pinpoint the answer until he heard Kaido’s thoughts, ‘I need to ask Saiki for permission. They’re best friends, it would be rude if I didn’t ask permission to ask out [Name].’

Never mind. He didn’t need to know that.

It was around lunch time that Kaido walked up to Saiki for the first one, the blush that littered his cheeks made Saiki want to gag for a moment.

“So, uh, Saiki, I have to ask you something.” Kaido uttered out lowly. Clearly, this was nerve wracking for him.

“What is it?” Saiki asked telepathically.

“Well, it’s about [Name], yanno, our [Name]?”

‘What other person has that name?’ Saiki thought. ‘And don’t say our, it’s creepy.’

“You see, I, well, I think I like him and I’d like your blessing to ask him out!” Kaido shouted, his body bowing at an almost 90 degree angle.

Normally, Saiki would just say to do whatever since he could read [Name]’s thoughts and see that he doesn’t like Kaido in that way. However, the one person in the world that Saiki actually wants is immune to his powers. He knew he needed to shut this down fast.

‘No way.’ Saiki responded.

“Thank you so much, Saiki, you won’t—wait—why not?” Kaido asked aloud, his voice getting higher the more he freaked out. He thought this would be easy, he means, it was Saiki. The most chill guy ever actually gave him a hard ‘no’ to asking out his best friend. Kaido shouldn’t be surprised, even though he is.

‘Because I said so,’ Saiki strictly put. He knew it was wrong to say this, who was he to say no to something that isn’t his business. Though, the feeling of relief that he still had a chance was more satisfying in the end.

By the time Saiki got to your house it was basically as soon as school ended. He used teleportation to get here as fast as he could, as well as just appear in your room. He wasn’t expecting you to still be asleep, though, he supposed this wasn’t too bad.

The pink haired male carefully walking up to the bedside of his best friend. It was odd to see your hair going in one direction instead of all over the place like normal, and don’t even get him started on the soft snores that came from your nose. Snoring isn’t usually the most attractive thing in the world, but this light snores from you made him think of the habit as cute.

Now, he would normally wake you up. But, just allowing himself to look at you for a moment longer without any consequences never hurt anybody. Saiki sat himself down on your floor, his eyes keeping to your closed ones as they slowly began to travel down to your lips. He doesn’t know what came over him, but it seriously began to freak him out when he started think about Kaido touching his lips with yours. After the freak out, jealousy was spiraling around in the psychic. He never knew that Kaido, of all people, would actually develop romantic feelings for you. If he did, he would have never allowed the both of you to interact the way you did at his house the other day.

Saiki let out a sigh before standing up once more, his hand came up to your shoulder slowly and began to shake it. It wasn’t long after that your eyes fluttered open and gave him that soft smile that caused his heart to skip a beat.

6. School Trip

The school trip was always the most looked forward to activity in high school. This year it was a three day trip to Okinawa. While you were excited to spend some time at a gorgeous place like Okinawa, Saiki was definitely less excited.

As kids talked with their friends in a group or just at their desks, you were currently sitting on top of Saiki’s desk with the pink haired boy sitting in the chair. This wasn’t something you always do, especially since at times Saiki has pushed you off out of retaliation, but after a moment or two of still being there, you knew he didn’t mind today.

“You excited?” You asked him.

“No. I don’t get the appeal.” He spit out, his eyes closing as he moved his head down. “I could get to Okinawa in three minutes.”

“Kusuo, not everyone is like you.” You explained. “So don’t go getting moody on this trip, I’m not letting you ruin it for me.”

“I won’t, I’m just saying a fact.” He replied.

You were about to continue with things you’re excited to do during the trip before Hairo came around to the both of you with a clip board in hand. He was responsible for dividing rooms.

“Saiki, [Name], did you guys decide on your group for the class trip?” He asked politely. “You should have three boys and three girls in your group.”

Saiki didn’t say anything, instead he just rested his head against your forearm. Perhaps he wanted Hairo to think he fell asleep and leave it to you, or maybe he was actually saying that he didn’t care as long as he was with you. Either way, you smiled at the contact and said to Hairo, “Kusuo and I will be rooming, it doesn’t matter who else is in our group.”

“Okay, great!” Hairo exclaimed as he wrote it down. “Kaido and Nendou are still available so I’ll just place Kaido with your group, and then randomly place you guys with a girls group.”

“Thanks, Hairo,” you hummed out as he walked away to probably inform Kaido about the rooming.

You never minded contact with Saiki, in fact, you sort of enjoyed it. However, seeing him still like this, even with Hario now gone, you worried.

“Hey, Kusuo,” you called out.

No answer.

“Kusuo?” You asked this time. And when he didn’t answer again you unconsciously moved your hand up to his head and moved it back to where you could look him in the eyes. Saiki’s face was still without expression, though, those eyes worried you. He seemed, almost, upset.

“Kusuo?” You asked. “What’s wrong?”

He shook his head, signaling that nothing was wrong. You knew he was lying.

You tilted your head, some of your hair moving with gravity to expose part of your forehead. “Why are you lying to me?”

“I’m not.” He said, his voice was steady and yet, that look in his eyes still bothered you.

You knew he wasn’t going to budge but still, just because you’re going to let it go now doesn’t mean that you weren’t about to keep an eye on him.

Throughout the beginning and the first day of the trip, you kept an eye on Saiki. He seemed way more tired than usual, but that didn’t startle you. Instead, it was how he was by your side more often now when Kaido was around. You weren’t an idiot, it was pretty obvious. You didn’t mind Saiki’s attention, but you didn’t want him to think just because you were friends with Kaido that he’d be put second.

“Kusuo, can we talk?” You asked him as the two of you had the room to yourselves. The others were out and about, but the two of you decided on an early night.

“About what?” He asked as he set up his sleeping area.

“Today.” You started out. “You’ve been acting weird around Kaido. Did something happen?”

You watched Saiki carefully, so carefully that you noticed his fingers lightly curl around the blanket. You didn’t want to push him, so instead of pushing him to speak, you allowed yourself to be silent and let him take his time. You don’t remember how many minutes pasted, but you swear it felt like decades.

“Nothing happened.” He informed you. “His thoughts just aren’t for my taste at the moment.”

“His thoughts?” You questioned as you slowly approached Saiki on his blanket until you were right in front of him. “Okay, then, what’s got you all bothered? Let me guess, he’s thinking dirty things, right?”

“Sort of.” He replied.

“I bet it’s about Teruhashi,” you theorized. “Is that why you don’t like it?”

“No, it’s not about Teruhashi.”

“Really? Then who?”

Saiki went quiet once more.

You sighed. Your head moving down to get a glimpse at his face. It wasn’t until you moved your hand over by his, your finger tips brushing with his accidentally to get more stability as you leaned in did you hear him finally confess.

“It was about you.”

To say that you needed a minute to take that in was an understatement. Kaido was a good guy and all, but it was kinda startling to realize he liked guys, as well as girls, since you didn’t suspect that even for a minute with him.

“Seriously?” You asked once more.

Saiki nodded. “He asked me if he could ask you out.”

“And what did you say?”

“No.”

You couldn’t help a smile crawl upon your face with that one. You knew it was a bit hard to read Saiki, especially when it came to you, but you were just beyond happy to hear that.

“Good,” you suddenly shot out. Saiki’s head moving back up in an instant to see your happy features. “I don’t like Kaido like that anyway, saves me from breaking his heart.”

“You don’t?”

“Nope.” You hummed out. You knew this may backfire on you in more ways than one, but right now, you didn’t care. The happiness you felt told you to take a chance and throw out the bait. “I know you can’t read my mind, but I actually do have someone I like.”

Saiki aimlessly stared at you for a moment and took in the words you confessed to him. It was an odd feeling, the rapid beating of his heart, but perhaps this was finally the start of things going his way for once.

On the second day of the trip, everyone went to Emerald Beach. It was one of the many places were people could stare at others and no one would think anything of it. A perverts dream. Though, for Saiki, he just wanted to hang out with you.

“Where’s [Name]?” Kaido asked Nendou as Saiki stood behind the two.

“He said he had to go buy a swimsuit. The one he brought apparently went missing.” Nendou told the blue haired boy.

Now, that want a mistake. Sure, it may have been a dirty trick but Saiki rather die than see you in the swimsuit you brought. After all, you bought a shirt with it. He knew you didn’t take off your shirt often, even at the beach, but he was determined to see you with just a pair of shorts.

Much like how all the guys that crowded around the girls changing house waited patiently to see Teruhashi in a two piece swim suit.

It was a while after Teruhashi came out, and when everyone was in the water that you made your appearance. You had your hands wedged into your swim shirt pockets as you allowed your feet to take in the hot sand that felt magical between your toes. You gazed around for a moment before noticing pink hair sitting under an umbrella.

A devilish smirk crawled on your features as you began to slowly approach the male. This may give Saiki a heart attack, but it was worth it. As you stood over him from behind, you attacked. Your body shot down as your arms wrapped aruund his neck and pushed your chest into his bare back.

“Hey, what’s a cute guy like you doing all alone at a place like this?” You teased, allowing your voice to go on for some time so that he realized it was just you.

Saiki immediately flinched at the contact before noticing it was just you. However, when he noticed the touch of your skin against his, he could feel his entire body heat up. The sensation was new, he’s felt his face go hot before, but his entire body was a new one.

“What took you so long?” Saiki tried to play off.

You just sighed and got a tighter grip on the male, your chest pushing more into his back. “Someone stole my swimsuit. Sadly, I didn’t have enough money to replace the whole thing, so I had to go by some swim shorts.”

“Hm, as least you’re here.” Saiki stated, making sure not to comment on the ‘stolen swimsuit’.

“Yeah,” you uttered as you released Saiki from your grasp and sat down next to him. You gazed out at the beautiful ocean that was filled with laughing people with this loving look in your eyes, all the while not realizing Saiki’s held that same gaze as he stared at you.

When you did turn to him, he completely lost himself in his mind as his eyes wondered about your figure. You weren’t the most fit guy in the world, but you did have these subtle yet enchanting muscle lines along your upper body that made Saiki lose himself.

“I saw that.” You suddenly said. Saiki’s eyes now darting back to yours. “You just checked me out.”

Saiki saw no way out of this one. So, he just confessed it. “So what if I was?”

In all honesty, he just expected you to laugh and tell him that it’s only fair if he does the same. However, the twist was unexpected and, well, definitely appreciated. He watched as you gazed down, this bashful look in your eyes as you did everything to avoid his gaze. Your body language wasn’t helping either. Your fingers were tapping against the towel and the heel of your foot was moving back and forth.

Maybe this trip wasn’t totally for nothing.

7. All That Was A Secret

Spring break. It was one of those weeks that Saiki went to go visit his grandparents all the way in the middle fo nowhere. So, for the most of this break, you were home alone. 

It was kind of boring. This break was definitely not one that you looked forward to, more now then before, especially after the beach during the class trip. Those words always ended up repeating in your mind, way too much then you thought they would. Then again, you shouldn’t be surprised. All those days that you’d try to subtly touch him, tease him, it was just a way to relieve yourself of the pent up emotions you’ve had for him for a few years now. 

Currently, you were in your room upon your bed, hugging one of your pillows close to your chest. You never tried to dwell on if Saiki felt the same or not, but recently, it’s been clawing at you more and more. It wasn’t like you didn’t think you had a chance, but more if Saiki was more comfortable just staying friends. You would understand, even if it would hurt, you’d do it for him. You’d do anything for that guy. 

You sighed before slowly lifting your body off the bed. Today wasn’t a good day for being sad, it was summer break, after all. You knew you had to get your mind off Saiki, and him being away made it a bit easier. So, you grabbed some clothes from your closet and laid them on the bed. You weren’t sure what you were going to do, but you were determined to fine something to take your mind off him. 

You let your pants drop to the ground before taking the ones on your bed and letting your legs slip through each of the pant legs. Next, you stripped your shirt off and took in a deep breath. You paused for a moment before dropping the dirty shirt on the ground and grabbing the new one. In all honestly, you never really pay attention to your surroundings when changing. But, does anyone? It wasn’t until your head went through the hole on the top of the shirt did you realize that the bed in front of you was now missing and the wall you were staring at was not the wall of your bed room. When you turned your head, you locked eyes with Saiki in an unfamiliar room. 

“Huh?” You uttered under your breath before your eyes widened, your face felling hotter than usual before frantically pulling your shirt all the way down. Once down, you opened your mouth and said, “You can’t do that without me knowing! What if I was in the middle of a shower or something and not just changing?”

“I would have given you some of my clothes.” He replied nonchalantly.

You bit the inside of your cheek before crossing your arms over your chest. “Why did you teleport me anyway?”

“I can’t stand it here.” Saiki confessed. Of course, you knew he didn’t exactly enjoying visiting his grandparents but he has never done this before. “Just hang out with me. I’ll send you back after.”

You sighed. You can’t exactly say no after that, so, with that Saiki and you began to watch a movie. It wasn’t one you two watched before so it was easy to get lost in it. Though, it was also easy to focus on Saiki when he suddenly placed his hand on top of yours as you guys watched. You weren’t too sure if he thought you wouldn’t notice, but there was no way you were going to pull away. After all, it’s not like he placed his fingers between yours, if he did that, you don’t know if you could handle it. 

After a half an hour into the movie you finally got the plot of it, and you weren’t amused at all. It was a best friends to lovers troupe. More specifically, childhood friends that drifted apart only to be brought back together by work and now slowly are developing feelings for one another. Let’s just say now, you were a little more than nervous. 

Thank god Saiki couldn’t read your mind, because now, you feel like you’d give him a headache. You couldn’t help but ask yourself if he knows and is only doing this to taunt you, or maybe this was all just a big coincident. Yeah, one massive coincident. In reality though, Saiki was just teasing you. He had no idea of your feelings but he wanted to watch the movie with you to implant the idea in his mind of the possibility.

Well, his plan was working. Maybe a little too much. Though, as you were about to spit something out, your eyes suddenly shot down to the floor in embarrassment. Yep, a make out scene. Of course, Saiki had no idea about that, but it was better than just the sappy stuff cause now it was really ingrained in your head. 

Once it was over and you had somewhat of your cool back you couldn’t help it. You needed to ask. If it blew up in flames, then so be it. 

“Hey, Saiki,” you uttered out lowly. Saiki caught it immediately and turned his gaze on you. “I have a.. question.”

“What?” He asked.

“Well,” your voice trailed off as you moved your eyes down to where both of your hands connected. “We’ve been best friends for a long time now but, have you ever, um, thought about doing...that?

Saiki remained quiet for a moment, his thoughts going everywhere before thinking to himself, ‘All the time, actually.’

As much as he wish he could have said that telepathically, he could never try to say that vocally. So, he just opted for a nod and watched your body flinch. The hand he touched growing warm.

“You’re hot.” Saiki suddenly spit out. This time, you brought your hand back to your body so he couldn’t tell anymore. 

“S-So what?” You stuttered out.

To say that Saiki didn’t like this side of you was an understatement. He’s never never seen you so flustered before, and it was really adorable to look at.

“It’s cute.” Saiki commented, his body leaning in just to see your face closer.

You turned your head to the side, eyes darting to the tv just to look away for a moment to compose yourself. You knew that there wasn’t gonna be another perfect moment like this so, you slowly reached over to place your hand on the back of Saiki’s neck. It was warm. When he noticed what you wanted as you started to lean back and gently pull him with you, he complied quickly until he gazed at you from above. Suddenly, he was jealous at the fact that Kaido got to see this view before him. 

He stared at you for a moment before watching you bite down on your bottom lip, his mind doing backflips at the want to read your mind, but also at how good you looked under him. 

“Kiss me.” You whispered under your breath, just loud enough for him to hear. 

“If I do,” Saiki uttered lowly. “I might not be able to stop.”

“That’s okay.”

[ggukkiereads]

ik ur on hobi lockdown rn but when u get the chance can u recommend some married bts fics? except the marriage is kind of on the rocks but it works out in the end. lmao this is rlly specific but i’m just craving it

🌷 LOL 😂 Since you're so nice that you noticed my Hobi Lockdown 😁, here are fics I remember with the scenario you mentioned. A lot of these I have yet to re-read so details might be hazy (so if I remember it as a happy ending but it actually isn't, please forgive me 😁). There are also recent fics that I haven't read yet so I probably missed a lot.

Marriage on the Rocks Type of Fics 

*updated - I just remembered some fics

Yoongi

I Feel You in my Heart @purpletaecup - ongoing series | divorce au. feat Jungkook | Angst ~ you can subscribe to the fic so you’re notified once there’s an update 🥰

Divorce @xjamlessparkx -  completed series [17/17] (read this long time ago but it has a happy ending...I think?)

Cut Me Open @hayjeon - two shot |  married au (but falling apart), medical au, surgeon au (spin off of the Jungkook fic Cardiovascular Palpitations) | A, F, S (i included this in the coworker yoongi rec list too!)

Away From You @personasintro - ongoing series [16/?] | divorce au

After the Honeymoon Fades @onherwings - one shot | okay, so they’re not really married but the way their relationship is written, feels like it is. It’s also one of my favorite on-the-verge-of-breaking-up fics and actually the first fic I thought of when I saw your ask 🥰 [author removed the fic on tumblr, added alt link]

Sticky Notes @threeletterslife - one shot | like LDR but they still live together (engaged) and they use sticky notes to communicate 😢

Honeymoon Horrors @/jimlingss - drabble but this is perfect! it’s actually funny too! yet there’s so much longing ugh. someone sent the author an ask what happened after the drabble so please read the follow-up imagine here

Jungkook

Jaded by chasinghorizons (ao3) - marriage tension ugh this is good and realistic. Also check Rain by nijoon

Second Chances @parkhabits - one shot | headed for divorce, estranged~ (I have to say it’s been so long since I’ve read this but I saw a note I made in 2018 with the ff. emojis: 😭😭😭🥰🥰 - so it ended well 😅)

Taking Chances @neonlights92 - one shot | arranged marriage but OC wants to dissolve arrangement | smutty tones 😉

Don’t Leave Me + part 2 @kpopmademyday -  two-part drabble | arranged marriage x jerk jungkook ~ okay, I’ve read this a long time ago so I don’t know if there are other drabbles. I just remember JK’s trying to make things work, there’s a park, someone threw water, etc.

Wherever There is You @vinterjeon -  one shot | marriage on the rocks | this is the first fic of the author I’ve read and then I binged on their ongoing fics after 🥰🥰

Arranged Marriage @yeontantrash - one shot | gang au,  arranged marriage but she keeps trying to leave him. fluffy ending 🥰 |

Thinning Thread @flowerwrites06 - one shot | divorce au | A, S, F (thank you dear author for reuploading this =))

Heartbreak Anniversary @pbandjk - drabble | about to divorce | exes who has to share bed during daughter’s birthday (OC’s parents didn’t know about the breakup) 

There’s a Jungkook fic I remember where they’re headed for divorce and OC went back in time to change the situation. It’s unavailable but if it gets reposted I’ll update this 😉.

Seokjin

Fall in Hatred @jimlingss - one shot | marriage au 

When the Sea Sleeps @taecalikook - one shot | starting to question their marriage which used to be ‘convenient’ before

We Go to War by seraphicserendipity [AO3] - series [9/9] | socialites, PR stunt marriage (👍)

Taehyung

Love is Not Over @rookiegukie -  uhm they’ve been divorced so it’s not exactly a marriage!au but I just want to recommend it lol

One Night Stand @sodoyouknowbts -  completed series + drabble (daddy!taehyung 🥰)  accidental pregnancy x got married but seems not working out

All This Stigma @army-author - two shot | 14.9k | fwb au, accidental pregnancy, arranged marriage 😭💖 (I love how angsty this is!)

Hoseok

Love Me Again @adoringjjk - one shot | CEO Hoseok

Dalliance @sugaurora - one shot | sort of cheating, but not really? | this is not even angsty, I swear. I read this on AO3 and found out author has tumblr too! You can follow on either platform

Most of my favorite Hoseok fics with this theme have been deleted or it didn’t end well (angsty ending) - if anyone has Hoseok fics to recommend, please feel free to share 🥰

Jimin

The Arrangement @kpoptart216 - series 14/14 | arranged marriage 

Of course, Faded Love by jamaisjoons which I probably included in every fic rec list. 

There’s another Jimin fic I can’t remember the title of 😭. Like they’re in the middle of divorce proceedings because she thinks he’s cheating on her and Namjoon is OC’s lawyer. It’s angsty then it turned smutty (help! if anyone knows this fic 😥) - UPDATE: I just remembered the fic. It's Gratuitous Redemption by minjoonalist but it's been deleted 😭

Namjoon

Stitches @glassbangtan - one shot | got married early 

Mad Passion has similar themes, I think? Not on the verge of breaking up but they need to fix some issues in their marriage.

🥰  Please note that the fics are NOT mine. Please show these authors love by reblogging their fics, giving them feedback, and engaging in any positive interaction you can think of! 

🌷 posted: 2021 Feb 19 | updated: 2021 May 16 (added Heartbreak Anniversary JJK)

[gingersnappish]

KYLUX RECS 2020-2021

My Kylux Recs in the last year (Aug, 20 2020 - Aug 20 2021)

SO. MUCH. GOOD. FIC!!! We are really lucky in this fandom to have so much good stuff to read!

Fic is part of the lifeblood of fandom, in my opinion-it shares new ideas and AUs and fleshes out the characters and most of all it inspires and entertains us all and engenders all sorts of feels for the characters-it’s part of what keeps us shipping! So a big ‘thank you’ to all the fic authors out there who work so hard at their craft and are generous enough to share it with all of us!

The following list is by no means comprehensive-there are LOTS and lots more very good fics that have been published in the last year that I haven’t read. I just wanted to offer up a few recs from what I know I enjoyed so far! (I also have more than fits on one list to rec-I’ll try and do another list soon!) As always, I rec based on personal taste, and I highly encourage reading all the tags/warnings on any given work to make sure it’ll be to your taste! -

The Flirtation Of Flowers 

DaisyChainz

https://archiveofourown.org/works/29771553

Words: 5,917

Rating: Teen

Summary:Kylo runs his farm's stall at the Farmer's Market every weekend. He has a new customer, a gorgeous redhead that is curious about the meanings of his bouquets. Kylo doesn't know anything about that, so he makes stuff up to keep the man coming back every week.

My thoughts on the rec: This is the cutest slice of a modern AU kylux-it really nails Kylo’s personality as a (slightly awkward) flirt who is trying his best and just really likes the redhead who keeps coming to buy flowers. Just a sweet little fic all ‘round!

all i have to do is dream

kyluxtrashcompactor

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18709426/chapters/44373613

Words: 11,456

Rating: Teen

Summary:Armitage Hux has been going to the same bar every Thursday for the last year, nursing a crush on the gorgeous, unobtainable bartender, Kylo Ren. He finally gets up the courage to ask him out, only to find out he has some unusual competition: the memory of a red-haired boy from Kylo's past, who Kylo swears is the soulmate that got away from him.A fill for this SoftKyluxKinks prompt:Anonymous asked: Benarmie with young Ben (around 11 years old) having a huge crush on Armitage (16). Hux finds it adorable but mostly ignores him because he's a kid. Flash forward a few years when Ben is all grown up and Hux is the one with a huge crush.

My thoughts on the rec: This is another really cute young modern AU! I like the idea that Ren has liked Hux forever, but this deals nicely with the age gap and that Hux really wouldn’t notice Ren back until they are both appropriately older. And they make such a cute couple-it’s a great progression from just ‘he’s hot’-like, there is a lot more to them than that in the end!

Homecoming 

sigo 

(really, read anything by sigo, it’s all my favorite)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/27150808

Words: 13,450

Rating: Explicit

Summary:“We’re off the next two weeks, you know.”“Yes, I know.” There was emergency construction scheduled to fix cracking asphalt too near a pipe in the center of campus. The buses couldn’t run, and that phenomenon was the only thing that ever cancelled classes. Halloween was dead center in the unplanned time off school, and every bar within a fifteen mile radius would be untenable as the students celebrated. Hux was planning on staying home, catching up on grading. He was rather looking forward to an opportunity to reread his favorite novels. They were already stacked by the couch in preparation.“My family always throws a Halloween party and they got word that I could come this year,” Kylo said, shuffling his feet. He looked almost bashful.“Ren, it’s midnight,” Hux sighed at his infuriating coworker. “Get to it.”“I may have informed my entire family previously that we were dating.”

My thoughts on the rec: One of my all-around fav fics from the last year’s worth of my reading material! It’s got the modern AU vibes down pat without losing their personalities or making them too OOC, it’s got the fake-dating trope done REALLY well, it’s got a wonderful creepy vibe strung delicately throughout for the Halloween haunted setting, it’s got plot and make-outs (and more). Can’t recommend highly enough!

Thaw

thesevioletdelights

https://archiveofourown.org/works/28557180/chapters/69982587

Words: 14,316

Rating: Explicit

Summary:They have managed cooperation - efficient cooperation, even - in these past months, which is more than enough. And already nothing short of a miracle for both of them.Still. Ren was a fool to think he could simply run off and keep Hux in the dark.-----When Ren goes missing on a mysterious planet, Hux sets out to find him. He doesn't yet know that he just might find himself.

My thoughts on the rec: This, like all of violet’s fic, is HOT! Like, scorching vibes between them! It’ll draw you in and not let you go ‘til after the boys are ‘done’! And, like all of violet’s fics, the character voices and personalities are also impeccable!

Rocks Break Gifts

elderbwrry

https://archiveofourown.org/works/25840237/chapters/62777839

Words: 16,706

Rating: Mature

Summary:The Rebellion has been crushed, a coup affected, and Supreme Leader Ren and his Grand Marshall Hux have settled into a domestic routine as the joint rulers of the Galaxy. Kylo wants nothing more, now, than to make his relationship with Hux official, but he can't seem to rise to Hux's challenge of a satisfactory proposal.Or, the five times Kylo proposes, and the one time Hux says yes.

My thoughts on the rec: Ahhhhh, the premise in this one is great! Like, I don’t wanna spoil the plot reveal at the end, so I can’t say too much, but there is a really good reason throughout the thing that this is a Five Times type fic and it works! It works so well and while we spend the fic ‘with’ Kylo, when we find out what Hux’s deal is, it is so satisfying! I Paint My Dreams

Marlon

https://archiveofourown.org/works/26685907/chapters/65090566

Words: 26,122

Rating: General Audiences

Summary:Kylo Ren is struggling to make a name for himself in the art world but as the grandson of the great Anakin Skywalker, a legendary pop artist of the 1950s and 60s, the weight of his famous family and his own expectations is a lot to bear.After he’s rejected from a prestigious exhibition because his installations “don’t fit the theme”, Kylo heads to the pub to drink away his disappointment. Later that night as he stumbles home, he’s set upon by some would-be thieves but before they can take what’s left of his money, he’s saved by a strange man with unbelievable Medusa-like powers. The ethereally beautiful man, Armitage Hux, is a visitor from Oweynagat and he has a simple proposition for Kylo - room and board in exchange for making all Kylo’s artistic dreams come true.Sounds easy - what could possibly go wrong?

My thoughts on the rec: Oh goodness, where to start? The Irish Mythology and Fae aspect of this fic is superbly woven throughout the whole thing and the author makes it work really well! Like, this is such a unique and original take on the kylux pair, I love them, especially Fae!Hux in this! And the plot is solid and you get invested really heavily in how they are gonna wind up-at least I did! There’s some beautiful language in this-descriptions and dialogue! And I have a soft spot for Artist!Kylo!

Dating a Monster

mysticmilks

https://archiveofourown.org/works/26703904/chapters/65139415

Words: 30,401

Rating: Explicit

Summary:Ben Solo was raised to be a demon hunter, as everyone in his family has been before him. He wanted nothing more than to prove that he was worthy to his family. He lied to them and went on an unauthorized mission to catch and kill an elusive incubus. His search led him to Arkanis University, one of the most prestigious schools in the country.He was sure the mission was going to be easy, before he met the cute freshman Armitage Hux. This meeting would change the fate of both of them.

My thoughts on the rec: Add another really good one to the slightly-creepy-kylux subgenre filled with demons and dark powers! This is a great depiction of Kylo as a very determined demon hunter and Hux as a very unique quarry! I love the tension in parts of this too-well crafted! The Green Ribbon

xzombiexkittenx, Lilander (art)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/28630845/chapters/70176921

Words: 39,679

Rating: Explicit

Summary:When Ben was fifteen he left the Jedi temple and took extreme measures to prevent the shadowy creature that infiltrated his thoughts from dragging him to the dark side. What he did left him with a great deal of chronic pain and removed his most valuable weapon, but Ben got his stubbornness from every side of the family, even the adopted ones, and he was determined to find and kill the creature.Now Senator Amidala of Naboo, Ben uses his position to make the galaxy a less awful place when he can, but being senator also gave him very useful contacts in his search for the creature. When he met Major Hux of the First Order, Ben thought he could get game-changing information out of him, one way or another, but things rarely go Ben's way and it got complicated much faster than Ben had prepared for. It's never a good idea to mix sex and politics, but Ben takes his fun where he can get it.

My thoughts on the rec: I feel like this is a very original take on ‘Senator Amidala’ Ben, at least from the stuff I’ve read-many props to the author for such a fleshed out universe, filled with likeable, believable OCs, a wonderful plot, great character motivations and voices, and a take on our main man Ben that pulled me in from the get-go! He’s sorta magnetic (in universe and to the reader)! And the sexual tension and sexy bits are very well done! I’m rooting for Ben and Hux in this, on opposites sides though they may be! Comfort Zone

LydiaBSlade

https://archiveofourown.org/works/26783797/chapters/65338117

Words: 66,766

Rating: Explicit

Summary: Hux is running away. He meets a tall, dark, and somewhat annoying stranger at the airport.

My thoughts on the rec: Travel writing at its best; also kylux fic at it’s best! Young, modern them trying to find their places in the world and finding each other in the process is so cute and almost tenderly done in this! This is a gentle, friendly version of modern Kylo that I fell in love with, right along with Hux! And by the way, I’m not kidding when I say travel writing-the southeast asian setting is vivid and enchanting in it’s rich detail! Outnumbered, Outgunned, Outmanuevered, and Winning

Coriesocks, Ellalba (art)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/28217253/chapters/69144672

Words: 80,372

Rating: Explicit

Summary: Hux’s plans for ridding the First Order of Kylo Ren are ruined when Ren discovers his deception. With no choice but to flee, Hux ends up in the hands of the Resistance. It’s not ideal, but at least he gets a break from Ren. Until he doesn’t.When Ren starts appearing in Hux’s dreams, Hux wonders if the stress of being a spy has taken more of a toll on his sanity than he’d previously thought. And if that wasn’t bad enough, he has to deal with constant pestering from Poe and a mildly inconvenient kidnapping. Of course, it’s Ren who saves him in the end. There’s clearly no getting away from him.

My thoughts on the rec: A really interesting take on something that is both a alternate rewrite of what could have happened instead of TROS and a TROS-fix-it of sorts! Hux is stellar in this, we really get a good look in his head and Coriesocks handles it masterfully! I really liked how their relationship develops gradually in this, it’s Enemies To Lovers at its best! Bloodlines and Brandy

EmperorsVornskr

https://archiveofourown.org/works/22989934/chapters/54963601

Words: 130,785

Rating: Explicit

Summary: Sebastian Hux is a native of the Deep South who loathes his origins, and seeks to pull himself from the stifling quagmire, but his bloodlines call him back to the property that has blessed- and plagued- his family for centuries.Unspoken secrets fill his inheritance, skeletons fill every closet, and a monster lurks in the shadows, tied to two bloodlines joined by fate, greed and hatred that has spanned across generations.As Hux learns about his family’s tainted legacy that has now become his burden, he discovers there is more involved than just having to be the curator of property that the locals shun with hushed whispers, that he has inherited more than an estate- he also has a terrible and loathsome horror tied to his very blood.When curious young locals come calling, and Hux’s past tormentors come out of the woodwork to simper and scrabble for a piece of the newly rich, the body count begins to rise, the smell of blood in the old slaughterhouse is getting harder to hide, and Hux realises that he will need to find a better way to pacify the hulking shadow that perches on his roof every night before his hometown’s tiny population is completely decimated.

My thoughts on the rec: This one is EPIC! Like, in length (which it needs every word of for the story that is going on here) and in the great portrayal of Kylo and Hux and their relationship! It’s super original too-not just the plot but the depiction of Kylo as something ‘other’ and the Southern Gothic vibes, and Hux-this is a wonderful take on Hux! He loses none of his edge, in my opinion and yet the reader is ‘with’ him all the way through, rooting for him! The descriptions are killer too-EmperorsVornskr has a felicity of expression that kept me reading (albeit in more than one sitting). Also worth noting that this is a wonderful and carefully handled depiction of trans!Hux, in my admittedly cis opinion. The theme of finding your tribe/your people/and your special someone in this, albeit in sometimes unexpected places is warming! I enjoyed every moment of this fic! Gravity Well

kyluxtrashcompactor

https://archiveofourown.org/works/13062495/chapters/29879001

Words: 176,421

Rating: Explicit

Summary: Snoke is gone, but his death has solved nothing between Hux and Kylo Ren. The First Order's trust in their leaders wanes as they vie for power over one another, and if they cannot learn to work together, they may both lose everything they've worked for.Forging that alliance after years at each other's throats will not be as easy as letting the past die, however—they will face subterfuge, enemies in the shadows, treachery, and being stranded on a hostile planet with creatures out of nightmare, barely escaping constant danger with their lives while having only one another to rely on.And that is just the beginning.

My thoughts on the rec: I realize this one is very well known by now, but I’ll rec it again for good reason! It’s quality long-fic! I love how competent Hux is in this surival-style fic, even without the Force to save him! And Kylo is a badass! kyluxtrashcompactor is a master of the slow burn here and we’re even lucky enough to be getting a sequel (although Gravity Well will also stand perfectly on its own). The writing in this will draw you in and not let you go!

----

That’s all for now! I hope you enjoy reading these as much as I did!  

[bellafarallones]

Winter Prompts

Here are 60 winter-themed prompts, including historical, fantasy, roommates/neighbors, celebrities/Hallmark movies, holiday parties, school/college, and miscellaneous. Some are somewhat NSFW. Free to use for fanfic or original fiction, but please tag me!

Historical

01. (Ancient Rome) We’re celebrating Saturnalia, a weeklong festival where gambling is sanctioned, gag gifts are given and received, and slaves and masters feast together 02. (Fantasy? Medieval) Our marriage was arranged and you’ve been away since the wedding but now it’s winter and you’re home and we have to figure out how to actually get along 03. (Fantasy? Medieval) We are simple farmers and on the one hand it’s freezing and horrible outside but on the other hand it’s nice to have no work to do and nowhere to be but snuggled up in bed with my beloved spouse 04. (Victorian) We’re the only two students staying at our elite, repressive boarding school over the winter holidays 05. (1920s) I’m a regular guest at Mr. Gatsby’s parties and he hired you to play Santa at his Christmas party and you seem confused and overwhelmed by the level of debauchery going on 06. (1950s) I’m supposed to be at this Christmas-themed singles mixer to meet someone of the opposite sex but I can’t take my eyes off you 

Fantasy

07. I’ve been staying in a remote cabin, convinced that there’s a monster lurking in the woods outside, but now I’ve been snowed in for four days and I think the monster is replenishing my woodpile so I don’t freeze 08. I’m a werewolf who always self-isolates before I transform but my roommate and I are snowed in together and the full moon is tonight  09. I’m a werebear trying to explain to my new partner that I do sort of hibernate 10. Three ghosts just showed up and are telling me about Christmases past, future, and yet to come but I’m pretty sure they’ve got the wrong bedroom 11. I met the krampus once as a kid and now I’m misbehaving on purpose because I want to see them again 12. I’m a mountain climber and the last thing I remember is passing out from exhaustion in the snow, before waking up in a cave with the Yeti standing over me 13. I’m ice fishing and am very surprised when a face appears in the hole  14. I just crash-landed on an icy alien planet and you’re the alien who takes me in (bonus: the “alien planet” is Earth)

Hallmark/Celebrity

15. As a career-oriented city-dweller who’s also a fan of Hallmark Christmas movies, Christmastime has me trying and failing not to worry that my new partner is going to leave me when they go home for the holidays

(more prompts under the cut!)

16. I’m an adult film star trying to break into Hollywood and this Hallmark movie could be my big break… if my costar and I can get along 17. We’re both musicians and our agents set us up to collaborate on a Christmas album even though I hate Christmas and you seem to love it  18. I’m a celebrity who’s home in my small town for the holidays and you recognize me in public - sort of 19. I’ve been unlucky in love and my blind date has been ranting for ten minutes about how awful Hallmark movies are and I don’t know how to say that I write scripts for them for a living 20. We’re best friends who love watching Hallmark movies together and you always talk about finding your true love at Christmastime but the only true love I can imagine for myself is you 21. I’m spending a few days at a Christmas tree farm/bakery for a few days to do research for my new Christmas-themed romance novel but I never expected to fall in love myself  22. You and I hit it off last night in the hot tub of this ski resort but I didn’t realize until this morning that you’re literally a celebrity snowboarder 

Holiday Party

23. You’re an escort I hired to pretend to be my partner at my company’s holiday party 24. I’m an intern who hates my coworkers and is only at the company holiday party for the free food and booze, but you’re a musician who’s been hired to provide live music and you’re gorgeous 25. I drew your name for Secret Santa but we don’t know each other very well and so I asked all your friends about your interests without saying why I was asking and now they all think I have a crush on you 26. I have a very strong sense of style and looking for an ugly sweater for this ugly sweater party is stressing me out, please help 27. You and I get into an argument about what the best Christmas cookie is while in line for the hot cocoa bar at our mutual friends’ gorgeous winter wedding 28. I gave you some of my special spiked eggnog without realizing what a lightweight you were and now I feel responsible for taking care of your drunk ass 29. My friend convinced me to come to their family Christmas party as their fake date and it’s a struggle to keep up the ruse because I really want to flirt with their cute sibling/cousin/relative  30. I’m a magical creature in disguise who’s never been to a holiday party before and there’s something in the decorations that’s making my skin itch and oh no I’m going into heat 31. My New Year’s resolution last year was to either get over my crush on you or make a move and now we’re at a New Year’s Eve party together and it’s really coming down to the wire 

Neighbors/Roommates

32. I’m very committed to aesthetics but my neighbor seems to be trying to repurpose their terrifying Halloween decorations for Christmas 33. I bought a porch camera to keep my packages from getting stolen and you’re my next door neighbor and what are you doing in your front yard in the middle of the night 34. I’ve decided to meet my neighbors by offering to clear their driveways with my new snowblower but now you’re watching me out the window and I’m discovering that it’s not as easy to operate as I’d assumed 35. I slipped on the ice in my driveway and fell really hard and you’re the neighbor who heard my screams and came running, I think my arm is literally broken can you please drive me to the hospital  36. We’re roommates and normally I go home for the holidays but now there’s this global pandemic and I can’t travel so how about we celebrate together? 37. We’re roommates who just got in a screaming fight when the power goes out and we get snowed in together, but I was only rude in the first place to hide my big fat crush on you

School/College

38. We’re both teachers and you invited me to come over to hang out on a snow day 39. You’re in the library distributing free Christmas cookies to people studying for finals and I’m dying of stress and sleep deprivation but I need you to know how grateful I am 40. You’re my dorm neighbor who’s started blasting Christmas music on November 1 and I can hear you through the wall

Miscellaneous

41. You and I don’t know each other very well but we’re the only two people in our group of friends who don’t celebrate Christmas and don’t have family nearby, so do you want to get Chinese food together? 42. You’re a supervillain who’s decided to enact your evil plot on Christmas and I’m the only hero in town who’s on duty because I don’t celebrate it  43. I’m a secret agent and normally it feels glamorous jetsetting around the world, but on Christmas it’s just lonely, and you’re the only other person by themself at the hotel bar 44. I’m a noir detective and you’re the hot mysterious person who just slunk into my office the week before Christmas 45. We’re both working at the mall during the holiday season and everything about this experience is miserable except for getting to spend time with you 46. I work at the Hallmark store and you’re not the usual demographic who comes in to buy ornaments 47. I was a figure skater for eight years but you just offered to teach me to skate and you’re cute so I’ll pretend to be bad at it 48. All my friends/coworkers make fun of me for liking sugary coffee but you just brought me one of the Starbucks holiday drinks because you knew I was having a bad day 49. Christmas was bad for me as a kid so now I don’t celebrate and even though you do I’m reluctant to start again  50. Now that I’m retired/can work remotely I’ve decided to become a snowbird and spend every winter in Florida and you’re someone who lives there year-round and yearns for snow 51. I’m trying to track someone or something and the falling snow obliterating their footprints is making it difficult  52. I know we just met but I can’t keep myself from staring when you take off your winter layers  53. Our flights keep getting delayed, how about we pool our snacks for Christmas dinner in the airport?  54. You and I were friends in high school and we always share a hotel room when we come home for the holidays but this year there’s only one bed 55. You seem embarrassed about your sledding accident but I’m the overworked, burnt-out nurse/doctor taking care of you and I really admire your ability to keep joy in your life - actually, where did you go sledding? Can I borrow your sled tonight after my shift ends? 56. I regularly deliver pizzas to your house but wasn’t expecting you to give me a “holiday bonus” in addition to your normally generous tip - what kind of eccentric millionaire are you? 57. We’ve been rivals in a gingerbread house contest for years but this year the contest is accepting team submissions only and you’re the only person I trust to be on my team  58. I accidentally hit you in the face with a snowball and then immediately offered to warm your face up without thinking about what exactly that might entail  59. This flu season hit me like a truck and you’re the friend who insists on bringing me soup every single day  60. My friends ask me what my New Year’s resolution is and I jokingly say “to lose my virginity” (or “to have a threesome”)

[navalcriminalimagines]

Pairings: Rafael Barba x Reader, Sonny Carisi x Reader

Warnings: none?

Words: 4,511

Prompt: Rafael spent years keeping his feelings for you hiding.

Missed shot

When Rafael Barba started to work with Manhattan’s SVU, you’d been a detective there for almost two years. You joined the squad shortly before Stabler left. You saw Nick Amaro and Amanda Rollins joining in too. At first, Cragen partnered you with Amanda, and Olivia with Nick, but considering it wasn’t working between Liv and Nick, changes were made, and Nick became your partner.

You two quickly became close, like a brother-sister relationship. He told you about his issues with Maria, you were the first (and only one) to know when him and Amanda became a thing. So, obviously, you told him your secret.

“This is Tomas,” you told Nick, as you were showing him a picture of an 8-year-old boy. “My son,” you added. “Don’t bother counting, I did give birth to him when I was 17.”

“He’s cute. Looks a lot like you,” Nick smiled at you. “Nobody in the squad know?” he asked.

“Cragen does. But he’s our Captain and it’s in my file. But the rest, nope,”

“Why not?”

You told him more about your debut in the police. At first, you did hide the fact that you were a mom. But you quickly realized that your coworkers and others were judging you. People took you as immature, non-serious, and some guy actually pictured you as an easy girl. You hated every second of your debut. So, when you joined the bomb squad, you decided to make your son a secret. It’s much better this way.

Olivia learned about your son when she took Cragen’s place. A part of her was surprised, but another wasn’t. She saw you with kids, you do have that mother instinct. And of course, she promised that nobody would know about Tom.

Working with the SVU squad wasn’t an evidence for Rafael Barba. Nick gave him hard time for no apparent reasons, Amanda wasn’t a fan of him. Fin didn’t care much. But luckily, Olivia welcomed him nicely and then there was you. You were sweet to him, kind. You asked him if you whether call him “Rafael” or “Barba” – “Your choice,” he answered. You ask him how he’s doing every time you see him. You usually bring him a coffee when you stopped by his office.

You’re nice, gorgeous, young, smart, badass… it didn’t take long for Rafael to get interested in you. More than just as coworker. But this couldn’t be happening, so he started to stay away from you as much as possible. At first, it was easy since Rafael only sees you as a detective. He doesn’t know anything about you outside of the office, only that you have Swedish origins from your father. He doesn’t want to know more. He doesn’t need to.

But despite himself, he overheard conversations between you and Nick every now and then. When the name “Tom” came back multiple times, Rafael assumed you had a boyfriend. Good. This should make things easier.

For two years working together, you and Rafael had a normal work relationship. He kept his crush under-wrap, seeing people every now and then, when the thought of you was too much. Sometimes it was one-night stands, sometimes a bit more. But he never kept seeing the same person for more than two months. That’s when people want to make things more permanent. Rafael doesn’t want that.

Keeping you at arm’s length was perfect for him. He couldn’t let you in. He wasn’t open for a serious relationship, and he felt like you could turn his world upside down if he let you in.

He almost did when Nick got shot. You were very worried for your partner, Rafael almost hugged you when you started to cry in front of him. But Liv called at the same point, so he didn’t. And then Nick left SVU, and New York. His departure hurt you a lot, for a moment, Rafael thought you two had some kind of an intimate relationship. But he remembered a conversation you two had.

“Hey Barba, we’re going out for drinks. Wanna join?” you casually asked.

“What’s the occasion?”

“Okay, first, do you need an occasion to go out for drinks? And second, it’s just that Nick needs to get his mind off the breakup,”

“So, it’s definitely over between him and his wife?”

“Yeah, she’s moving to DC with Zara. He’s not doing great,”

“But he can always count on his other partner,” Rafael said, without thinking.

You chuckled, “What does that mean?”

“You two are—close,” Hopefully, it didn’t sound like jealousy. Which it actually was.

“Amanda is the one he slept with, not me. I’d rather sleep with you,” you left right after.

This was months ago, but Rafael still couldn’t believe you said that. He tried not to overthink about it, but he couldn’t. Was this just a joke? Were you just trying to prove a point? Or did you see him as more than just a coworker? He considered trying to explore this, but before he found the courage to do something about it, Sonny Carisi joined the squad and became your partner.

You missed Nick a lot, but you welcomed Sonny with open arms, unlike the others at first. He will forever be thankful about that. It didn’t take long for Rafael to see that you had a bond with Sonny, just like the bond you had with Nick. Maybe more. Liv told him a few times that being partners when you’re a cop is very special. He understands that, but it doesn’t he likes it when it comes to you.

Few months after Sonny join in, Rafael heard the name Tom again. You must have to Sonny about your boyfriend. Since he didn’t hear that name for months, he assumed that you two had broken up. But apparently not. Meaning that there’s nothing romantic with Carisi, but you still have a boyfriend. So, Rafael tried to forget what you told him and kept trying to convince himself that what he’s feeling for you isn’t love.

More months went by. It was obvious for Rafael that Carisi had a thing for you. He didn’t like it, but there’s nothing he can do. But he kept turning down all of your offers when the squad met up for drinks. He didn’t need that. He didn’t want to know the you outside work.

One day, he showed up to the precinct. No one was nowhere to be find. He spotted a gift wrapped on your desk. Curious, he took a closer look. There was a card. He looked around, still no one. So, he tried to take a look at the card.

“That’s very noisy of you, counselor,” he heard for behind. You. He jumped from the surprise, let go of the card.

“A box on a detective’s desk. Had to be sure it wasn’t a bomb,” he said, trying to keep a straight face. You laughed at his excuse.

“Would love to see your reaction if you saw a bomb,” you said, with a smile on your face. Apparently, you aren’t mad, so that’s good.

“I’d rather not,” he shyly smiled at you. “What would your reaction be?”

“Considering that I’ve been there before, I would keep my calm and do my best to defuse it,” you said before walking to the coffee area. Rafael analyzed your words for a moment before joining you.

“Come again?”

“Spent two years with the bomb squad before joining SVU,” you casually said, handing him the cup of coffee you just poured.

In four years, this was the first personal information you gave him. He almost couldn’t believe it.

“I—I didn’t know,”

“Well, yeah. We never talked about anything else than our cases,”

“True,” he took a sip. “And why would that be? In your opinion,”

“Because you don’t like me,”

You had poured another cup for yourself and walked up straight to your desk after those words. You sat, grabbed the gift to put it aside and started to look at something on your computer. Rafael was stunned for a moment but joined you again. He closed your laptop, and leaned against your desk, right next to you. He had never been this physically close to you before.

“Why in the world would you think that?” He asked.

“We’ve been working together for four years, Barba. Not once, did you show some kind of interest in me. You’re best friends with Liv, you tolerate Amanda, you’re courteous with Fin. Hell, you gave hard time to Sonny for the first year but now you agreed for him to shadow you. But me? I feel like you wish I wasn’t here,”

Rafael stayed silent for a moment, analyzing your words. Indeed, he tried to keep his distance with you, but he never thought it made you feel that way. He felt very bad about himself.

“But hey, no problem, okay? We’ve been able to make it work that way for years, there’s no reasons we can’t keep going,”

“You’re very wrong—about everything, Y/N.”

“Then what is it?” You locked your sweet blue eyes into his. For a moment, he was afraid you may see all the love he has for you in his eyes. What reasonable excuse could he tell you? His mind raced. But thankfully, the rest of the squad came back at that moment.

“Barba, Y/N. Are you interrupting?” Rollins smiled.

“Nope,” Rafael stood up right and followed Liv into her office. You watched him leave. No answer. Again.

The gift was actually from Sonny, but it wasn’t for you. It’s for Tomas, who’s now 13 years old. The father left when you told him you were pregnant (he was a bit older) and never saw him again. You raised Tom by yourself, with the full support of your parents, luckily. Your son showed up his interest in makeup and esthetic about a year ago. You completely support him in his passion, brought him whatever he needed/wanted.

Sonny went shopping with his 16 years old niece Mia during the weekend and she wanted to go to the Sephora. He asked her what he could offer to Tomas.

“Uncle Sonny. Are you trying to seduce the mother by being so nice to the son?” Mia asked with a smirk on her face.

“Okay, first, I wouldn’t need to do that. And second, it’s just that—it’s not easy to be different. I just want him to know that he can count on me,”

“Like you wished you could count on someone when you realized you were bisexual?”

Sonny looked at his niece with wide eyes. He still isn’t out to his family. How could she know? “Last year, I figured that this Sam you talked about wasn’t a she but a he. And--I’m bi, too, Uncle Sonny.”

That’s a lot to process in two minutes, while he is standing in the middle of a makeup store.

“There’s nothing wrong with that…right?” Mia added.

“Oh, of course not, sweetheart!” He immediately answered. “When did you know?”

“I was sure when I fell in love with a girl, a few months ago,” she confessed.

Sonny hugged his niece and kissed her hair. “What’s her name? I’d love to meet her,”

“Joy. And that would be nice. I’m so happy I finally told you,”

“I’ll never judge you. And I’ll always be there for you,”

In the squad, you were the only one Sonny came out to. Which makes the two of you even closer.

After the gift “incident”, you and Rafael didn’t talk again for weeks. To be fair, he was trying to avoid you. He almost confessed his feelings for you and that can’t be happening. After this, Rafael decided to call back a woman he used to see. She’s beautiful, smart, nice and wants the same things he does. Exactly what he needs.

He never wanted to talk about his personal life at work, but one day, you showed up in his office. Rafael was on the phone, his back to the door. He didn’t hear you come in, so he kept making plans with Judith. You listened, and felt your chest tightened.

Before he hung up, Rafael heard the door of his office closing. He turned around; nobody was there but he saw you walking out through the blinds. You had heard and walked away.

When Rafael told you, you were wrong about your assumptions, you thought that maybe he was feeling the same way you did. Turns out, you were wrong.

It was Tom’s 14th birthday. You helped him planned an afternoon party. He told you he invited about 10 friends.

But no one showed up. Your son didn’t feel ashamed about his passion - thanks to you and Sonny, mostly - but apparently, his “friends” didn’t like it.

“Baby, why didn’t you tell me they were bullying you? On Monday I’ll go see your principal,”

“Exactly for this. If you do this, it’s gonna be worse. Maybe I should stop,”

“Stop what? Doing something you like? Not under my watch, T. Those kids are just the reflections of their close-minded parents,”

“Yeah, but at least people show up to their birthday parties,”

It broke your heart to see your son like this. You needed to fix this. You need to see your son happy. All day, every day. You went to the bathroom and called Sonny.

“Sonny, I need you,” you said when he answered. “Short things first, those stupid kids didn’t show up to T’s party. There’s no one here. Can you come? With Mia? And Joy? I’m gonna call Liv, see if she can come with Noah,”

“I’m with Mike right now so he’ll be with me. Call Fin too, we’ll stop by Amanda’s to pick her and Jesse,”

“Okay, that’s great, thanks Sonny,”

“Of course. Tom will remember his 14th birthday I promise. Why don’t you call Barba too?”

“Why in the world would I do that?”

“It would be rude not to. Don’t you think?”

“I guess. I’ll see. Can you be there in about an hour?”

You call Liv and she agreed, same for Fin. But Sonny was right, you had to call Rafael.

“Barba,” he answered.

“Hey, it’s Y/N. Sorry to bother you on Saturday afternoon. Um—if you aren’t busy, what do you think about stopping by my son’s birthday? It’s kinda unfair, but stupid kids didn’t show up. I call everyone, they’re all coming. But hey, don’t feel obligated. You don’t have to if you don’t—“

“Okay,” he answered before you could finish your monologue.

“Okay?” You repeated.

“Yeah. When should I be there? And how old is he?”

“I said an hour to everyone. And if you’re asking his age to buy him a gift, don’t bother. Right now, all he needs is people to be there to celebrate,”

“Y/N, don’t make me argue please. How old is your son?”

“14.”

“Okay, thanks. See you in an hour then. Text me the address, please,”

“See you, Rafael,”

Rafael tried to stay calm and natural in front of Judith, but there were some many things in his head right now. Since he went to the bedroom to answer your call, he lied to the woman he was with, pretending a work emergency to leave.

You have a kid. A teenage kid, actually. A quick count made him realized you gave birth when you were 17. Many things made sense now. He needs confirmation but it seems clear that, this Tom he heard about, is actually your son, and not your boyfriend like he assumed.

How could he not know about this? You’ve been working together for almost five years now. He really kept his distance with you. But somehow, he still fell hard for you.

“Hey Liv, I got a call from Y/N. I’d like to buy a little something for her son, do you have any idea?”

“Well, do you know anything about makeup?”

“I beg your pardon?”

Liv laughed. “Where are you? I can pick you up and we stop by a store to buy him something,”

“Okay, I trust you on that.”

An hour later, everybody was there. You welcomed them as they arrived. “If he doesn’t like it, that’s on Liv,” Rafael joked as he handed you the gift he had for your son.

“Nope. That’s on that sells woman that was clearly hitting on you,” Liv interjected.

“She wasn’t— okay, she was. But not my type,”

“Yeah, and Judith probably wouldn’t like it,”

“I don’t know about that. And she doesn’t need to know anyway,” he smiled.

Tom’s mood improved when he saw Mia and Joy. You and Sonny introduced them months ago and Tomas is crazy about them.

“What happened to your face?” Mia asked and Tom frowned. “No makeup, seriously T?” She added, before taking him by the hand.

“Wait—“ you stopped them before they reached the bedroom. “Tomas, meet Mike and Rafael, first. They are the only ones you haven’t met yet,”

It made sense that Tom hadn’t met Mike yet, since he joined SVU a couple of months ago. But yeah, it stings to Rafael. Five years. And he didn’t know.

“You look like a cop,” he said Mike, “but you don’t,” he then said to Rafael.

“Cause I���m not. I’m an ADA, Assistant Dis—“

“I know what it is,” he cut him. “Thank you for coming,”

“Can we do his makeup now?” Mia called out and the three of them — adding Jesse who wanted to go too — disappeared in the bedroom for a moment.

“Thanks, guys, for showing up this quick. It’s a mess,” you sadly said. “T told me that he’s being bullied at school because he loves makeup, lets his hair grow. Apparently, they are calling him a sissy,” your jaw clenched. Rafael saw the mama bear in you. “He doesn’t want me to interfere. But maybe I should anyway,”

“You’re here for him. We all are, that’s what he needs,” Sonny said, wrapping his arm around your shoulders to bring you comfort. Rafael tried to avoid the jealousy in his belly.

Opening gifts arrived fast. Everyone brought him something, mostly makeup stuff. Sonny actually got him an appointment in a famous hair salon in Manhattan. Now that his hair is long enough, Tom mentioned wanting to get a real haircut. Mike listened to Sonny’s advices for his gift.

“This is from Nick,” Liv said as she gave Tom a gift. “He wants you to call later,”

“Mom!! That’s two tickets for California!” Tomas exclaimed before reading the note. “And he’s offering me surfing lessons! When are we going? Before—“

“Soon, my love.” You said before he could finish his sentence.

Then came Rafael’s gift. “You can return it if you don’t like,” he said. But Tom’s face lit up when he saw what it was.

“Mom!!!” He showed you the gift, with a huge grin on his face.

“Wow! You finally got it,” you returned his smile and moved a little to stand by Rafael’s side.

“Thank you so much, Rafael!” Tom stood up and hugged the ADA. Some affection Rafael didn’t expect.

“He’s been bugging me for this palette for weeks. I told him to wait because it’s damn expensive,” you whispered to Rafael.

“It’s okay. I’m glad he likes it,” he just answered.

Tomas was thrilled with all of his gifts. It feels good that with those people, he doesn’t have to hide himself, who he is and what he loves. Later, you noticed that Rafael setback from the others. You stood next to him.

“You’re not mad about the gift, are you?” He asked, before you could say anything.

“A little, to be honest,”

“I can pay for that,”

“I know. I see your clothes every day. But that’s not the point,”

“Then what is the point?”

“For the first five years of his life, I couldn’t buy him things. All the toys he had were gifts from my parents— when I made better money, I spoiled him. For years. And now, he’s a very smart teenage boy but he doesn’t necessarily have the value of money. Which I’m trying to teach him. And you showed up with this hella expensive palette, Nick got him plane tickets and surfing lessons. Even the appointment Sonny got him is expensive. That’s not helping,”

“Great,” he smiled, and you shot him a glare, “you’re not actually mad at me, but more at yourself,”

“Don’t do this. You’re not a parent, Rafael,”

“Indeed,” he took a deep breath, “And how come did I do not know you were one?”

“This will just bring us back to our convo from February, don’t you think? And we both know how it ended,”

“We were interrupted,”

“And you’ve been avoiding me ever since,”

So, you noticed that. You always noticed things. He hates that about you. He intensely looked at you, not knowing what to say exactly.

“But don’t worry, Barba, you won’t have to use force for that anymore,” you gently patted his shoulder and joined the others. “My love, do you mind if I steal your thunder for a moment?” You asked your son.

“Nope. Are you going to tell them?”

You looked at Liv for approval and signed Rafael to come closer, which he did. Everybody waited for you to talk. “I—I’m leaving SVU,” you said. There were gasps, widen eyes and Sonny choked on his beer. “Don’t die yet, Sonny. I haven’t finished,” you paused. “It’s no secret that my father was born in Sweden and move here after he fell in love with my mum,”

That, Rafael did know. You talked about your Swedish origins. “After my mum died, my father moved back there. And he’s been bugging us to come with him and considering I’ve always promised this one,” you said, playing with Austin’s hair, “that we would try to live there for a while, I’m actually taking a sabbatical. And next month, we’re flying to Sweden. But we’ll stop by California first, apparently,”

Only Liv knew. So, it came as a shock to everyone else.

The mood changed after that. They were all happy but also sad to see you and Tom leave. Mostly Sonny. It was very rare to witness a silent Sonny Carisi, but this was it. One by one, people started to leave the party. Mia and Joy took your son to the bowling alley. Rafael wanted to be the last so he could have a talk with you, but apparently, Sonny had the same thing in mind.

Rafael was helping you cleaning up the apartment when you noticed Sonny, on your small balcony. “How long has he been there?” You asked Rafael, who just raised his shoulders, clearly annoyed. You joined Sonny, not knowing that Rafael could hear everything you two were talking about.

“You okay there, Sonshine?” Sonny chuckled.

“A bit stunned, I guess.” He said, not looking at you.

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I—I was afraid to tell you,”

“Why?”

“Because of what happened a few months ago. Because I’m scared to leave you. Because—I was afraid to change my mind after I told you,”

He finally looked at you. “I’ll never hold you back, Y/N. You know that? You talk so much about Sweden, so does Tom. I’m not completely surprised,”

“Under different circumstances—“ you said, letting the silence says the rest. Sonny turned to his side, so he was facing you.

“I was okay with being your second choice, Y/N, as long as you chose me. But you’re also leaving to be away from him, aren’t you?”

You nodded. “I don’t want to promise you anything, Sonny. But maybe—after that year away—“

He knew what you meant. Sonny put his hand on your cheek, softly caressing your skin with his thumb. Before he could lean in to kiss you, you both heard the balcony window opening. Rafael was standing there. “Who’s your first choice, Y/N?” He just asked. Sonny loudly sighed and turned his back to the lawyer.

“Not important, Rafael.”

“Por favor— answer me.”

“You, idiot,” Sonny muttered, still looking over Manhattan.

“Can—can you come inside for a moment, please?” Rafael asked.

“Don’t worry, I’m leaving,” Sonny said, and turned around to kiss your forehead, “Don’t make anything stupid. Call me,” he kissed your forehead again and walked past Rafael to leave.

“Great timing, Barba,” you sighed.

“I—I don’t understand,” he struggled to say.

“You may be a smart-ass lawyer but when it comes to relationships, you’re very dumb,”

“How long have you—?”

“Been in love with you? About three years. Somehow, the more you pushed me away, the more it made me fall,”

“I pushed you away only because I was scared. Scared of the things I feel for you,”

“You can’t—you can’t confess your love to me as I’m leaving the States, Rafael. That’s not fair,”

“If I don’t do it now, when am I supposed to do it? Over the phone while you’re in Sweden? Or when you come back and choose Carisi?” He paused. “Did you guys sleep together or something?”

“Definitely none of your business,” you said. “And you had five years. Five fucking years, during which all you did was making me feel like a burden for you,”

“I—I never meant to do that. I’m sorry,”

“It’s too late, Rafael. I’m leaving anyway,”

“I’ll wait for you if you ask me to,”

“I’m not. Just like I won’t ask that to Sonny,”

“Then—what? What do we do?”

“Nothing. I’m leaving with my boy in a few weeks, maybe I’ll come back next year, or maybe I won’t. And everybody goes on with their life,”

“Are you saying that I missed my shot with you?”

“Probably,”

This will be hard to swallow. Rafael probably never will, to be honest. But one thing is sure, he couldn’t miss his last chance to kiss you. He closed the gap between your bodies, and slowly put his hands on each side of your face. Since you weren’t pushing him away, he took it as a permission and leaned in to kiss you. He softly put his lips on yours. Right here, right now, on your balcony, nothing else mattered but you and him.

Things escalated quickly. The kiss got more intense, and you used force to make him step back into your apartment. Still kissing each other, Rafael slid his hands on your butt and your legs, gently squeezing to signal you to jump in his arms, which you did. He pulled away briefly, just to ask you which one was your bedroom.

He laid you down on the bed, clothes quickly fly across the room. This probably wouldn’t change a thing, but Rafael made love to you as if his life depends on it.

Indeed, it didn’t change a thing. Two weeks later, you and Tomas flew to California, spent two weeks there with Nick, before flying to Sweden.

Part two, anyone?

[causeiwanttoandican]

Harry, Meghan and me: my truth as a royal reporter

I've covered elections and extremism, but nothing compares to the vitriol I've received since I started writing about the Sussexes

By Camilla Tominey, Associate Editor27 March 2021 • 6:00am

It is probably worth mentioning from the outset that I never, ever, planned to become a royal reporter. I mean, who does? It’s one of those ridiculous jobs most people fall into completely by accident.

I certainly wasn’t coveting the position when I first found out how bonkers the beat could be after covering Charles and Camilla’s wedding in 2005. Desperate for ‘a line’ on what went on at the reception, journalists were reduced to flagging down passing cars in Windsor High Street and interrogating the likes of Stephen Fry about whether they’d had the salmon or the chicken.

Watergate, this wasn’t.

Yet when my former editor called me into his office shortly afterwards and offered me the royal job ‘because you’re called Camilla and you dress nicely’, who was I to refuse?

Having planned to get married myself that summer, and start a family soon afterwards, I looked to the likes of Jennie Bond and Penny Junor and figured it would be a good patch for a working mother as well as being one I could grow old with. Unlike show business, when celebrities are ‘in’ one minute and ‘out’ the next, the royals would stay the same, making it easier to build – and keep – contacts.

So if you’d told me that 16 years later, I would find myself at the centre of a media storm over a royal interview with Oprah Winfrey, I’d have probably laughed in your face. First of all, only royals like Fergie do interviews with Oprah. And since when did journalists become the story?

Yet as I have experienced since the arrival of Meghan Markle on the royal scene in 2016 – a move that roughly coincided with Twitter doubling its 140-character limitation to 280 – royal reporters like me now find themselves in the line of fire like never before.

We are used to the likes of Kate Adie coming under attack in the Middle East, but now it is the correspondents who write up events like Trooping the Colour and the Royal Windsor Horse Show having to take cover from the keyboard warriors supposedly defending the Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s ‘truth’.

Accusations of racism have long been levelled against anyone who has dared to write less than undiluted praise of Harry and Meghan. But even I have been taken aback by the vitriol on social media in the wake of the couple’s televised two-hour talk-a-thon, in which they branded both the Royal family and the British press racist while complaining about their ‘almost unsurvivable’ multimillionaire lives at the hands of the evil monarchy. And all while the rest of the UK were losing their loved ones and livelihoods in a global pandemic.

Having covered Brexit, general elections and stories about Islamic extremism, I’ve grown used to being sprayed with viral vomit on a fairly regular basis, but when you’ve got complete strangers trolling your best friend’s Instagram feed by association? That’s Britney Spears levels of toxic.

Having a hind thicker than a rhino’s, it wasn’t the repeated references to my being ‘a total c—’ that particularly bothered me, nor even the suggestion that I should have my three children put up for adoption. At one point someone even said it would be a good idea for me to drink myself to death like my mother, about whose chronic alcoholism I have written extensively.

No, what really got me was the appalling spelling and grammar. I mean, if you’re going to hurl insults, at least have the decency to get my name right.

Yet in order to understand just how it has come to pass that so-called #SussexSquaders think nothing of branding all royal correspondents ‘white supremacists’ regardless of who they write for, or sending hate mail to our email addresses, offices – and in some cases, even our homes – it’s worth briefly going to back to when I first broke the story that Prince Harry was dating an American actor in the Sunday Express on 31 October 2016. Headlined: ‘Royal world exclusive: Harry’s secret romance with TV star’, the splash revealed how the popular prince was ‘secretly dating a stunning US actress, model and human rights campaigner’.

Despite my now apparently being on a par with the Ku Klux Klan for failing to acknowledge Meghan as the next messiah, it was actually not until the fifteenth paragraph of that original article that the ‘confident and intelligent’ Northwestern University graduate was described as ‘the daughter of an African-American mother and a father of Dutch and Irish descent’.

Call me superficial, but I was genuinely far more interested in the fact that Harry ‘I-come-with-baggage’ Wales was dating a former ‘briefcase girl’ from the US version of Deal or No Deal than the colour of her skin. A ginger prince punching well above his weight? This was the stuff of tabloid dreams. Little did I know then that covering the trials and tribulations of these two lovebirds would turn into such a nightmare.

The online hostility began bubbling up about eight days after that first story, when Harry’s then communications secretary Jason Knauf issued an ‘unprecedented’ statement accusing the media of ‘crossing a line’.

‘His girlfriend, Meghan Markle, has been subject to a wave of abuse and harassment’, it read, referencing a ‘smear on the front page of a national newspaper; the racial undertones of comment pieces; and the outright sexism and racism of social media trolls and web article comments’. Meghan’s mother, Doria Ragland, had apparently been besieged by photographers, while bribes had been offered to Meghan’s ex-boyfriend along with ‘the bombardment of nearly every friend, coworker, and loved one in her life’.

Suffice to say, I did feel a bit guilty. Although I hadn’t written anything remotely racist or sexist, I had started the ball rolling for headlines like the MailOnline’s ‘(Almost) straight outta Compton’ (referencing a song by hip-hop group NWA about gang violence and Meghan’s upbringing in the nearby LA district of Crenshaw), along with her ‘exotic’ DNA (which I subsequently called out, including on This Morning in the wake of ‘Megxit’ in January last year).

Omid Scobie, co-author of Finding Freedom, a highly favourable account of the Sussexes’ departure from the Royal family, written with their cooperation last summer, would later insist that the couple knew the story of their relationship was coming out and were well prepared for it.

I can tell you categorically that they weren’t, since I did not even put a call into Kensington Palace before we went to press for fear of it being leaked. (I did later discuss this with Harry, when I covered his trip to the Caribbean in November 2016, and to be fair he was pretty philosophical, agreeing it would have come out sooner or later. But that was before the former Army Captain decided to well and truly shoot the messenger, latterly telling journalists covering the newly-weds’ tax-payer-funded October 2018 tour of Australia and the south Pacific: ‘Thanks for coming, even though you weren’t invited.’)

The royal press pack is the group of dedicated writers who cover all the official engagements and tours on a rota system, in exchange for not bothering the royals as they go about their private business. It was a shame this ragtag bunch, of which I am an associate member, was never personally introduced to Meghan when the couple got engaged in November 2017.

I still have fond memories of a then Kate Middleton, upon her engagement to Prince William in November 2010, showing me her huge sapphire and diamond ring following a press conference at St James’s Palace with the words, ‘It was William’s mother’s so it is very special.’

I replied that she might want to consider buying ‘one of those expanding accordion style file holders’ to organise all her wedding paperwork. (Reader, I had given birth to my second child less than four months earlier and was still lactating.)

Not meeting Meghan did not stop royal commentators like me writing reams about her being ‘a breath of fresh air’ and telling practically every TV show I appeared on that she was the ‘best thing to have happened to the Royal Family in years’.

As the world followed the joyous news of the Windsors’ resident strip billiards star having finally found ‘the one’, the couple enjoyed overwhelmingly positive press culminating in their fairy-tale wedding in May 2018, which we headlined ‘So in love’ above a picture of the bride and groom kissing. I tweeted the wedding front page, along with the original story breaking the news of their relationship with the words, ‘Job done’. Yet, as Meghan would later point out in a glossy Santa Barbara garden, that was by far the end of the story.

According to the Duchess’s testimony before a global audience of millions, the seeds for their royal departure were actually sown by an article I wrote in November 2018 suggesting she made Kate cry during a bridesmaid’s dress fitting for Princess Charlotte.

Claiming the ‘reverse happened’, the former Suits star railed, ‘A few days before the wedding she was upset about something, pertaining to, yes, the issue was correct, about flower-girl dresses, and it made me cry, and it really hurt my feelings.’

She then went on to criticise the palace for failing to correct the story – suggesting that royal aides had hung her out to dry to protect the Duchess of Cambridge.

All of which left me in a bit of a sticky situation. As I told Phillip Schofield on This Morning the following day, ‘I don’t write things I don’t believe to be true and that haven’t been really well sourced.’

Having seemingly been completely bowled over by Meghan’s version of events, Schofe then went for the jugular: ‘I have to say, though, that’s all addressed in that interview, isn’t it, because she [Meghan] couldn’t understand why nobody stood up for her?’

Yet someone had stood up for her, on that very same This Morning sofa: me.

As I told Phil and Holly on 14 January 2019, as more reports of ‘Duchess Difficult’ started to emerge, ‘I think she [Meghan] is doing really well, she looks amazing, she speaks well. She has played a blinder.’

So you’ll forgive me if I can’t quite understand why Meghan didn’t feel the need to correct this supposedly glaring error once she had her own dedicated head of communications from March 2019 – or indeed when she ‘collaborated’ with Scobie, who concluded in his bestselling hagiography that ‘no one cried’?

Moreover, how did the Duchess know a postnatal Kate wasn’t ‘left in tears’? And if she doesn’t know, what hope has the average troll observing events through the prism of their own deep-rooted insecurities?

It appears the actual truth ceases to matter once sides have been taken in the unedifying Team Meghan versus Team Kate battle that has divided the internet.

Make no mistake, there are abject morons at both extremes spewing the sort of bile that, ironically, makes most of the media coverage of Harry and Meghan look like a 1970s edition of Jackie magazine.

It perhaps didn’t help my case that the day before the interview was aired in the US, I had written a lengthy piece carefully weighing up the evidence behind allegations of ‘outrageous bullying’ that had been levelled against Meghan during what proved to be a miserable 20 months in the Royal family for all concerned.

The messages – to my Twitter feed, my email, my website and official Facebook page – ranged from the threatening, to the typical tropes about media ‘scum’ and the downright bizarre. Some accused me of being in cahoots with Carole Middleton, with whom I have never interacted, unless you count a last-minute Party Pieces purchase in a desperate moment of poor parental planning.

Another frequent barb was questioning why the press wasn’t writing about that ‘pedo’ [sic] Prince Andrew instead – seemingly oblivious to the fact that no one would know about the Duke of York’s links to Jeffrey Epstein if it wasn’t for the acres of coverage devoted to the story by us royal hacks over recent years.

It didn’t matter that I had repeatedly torn the Queen’s second, and, some say, favourite son to pieces for everything from his propensity to take his golf clubs on foreign tours to that disastrous Newsnight interview.

Contrary to the ‘invisible contract’ Harry claims the palace has with the press, royal coverage works roughly like this: good royal deeds = good publicity. Bad royal deeds = bad publicity. We effectively act as a critical friend, working on behalf of a public that rightly expects the royals to take the work – but not themselves – seriously.

So when a royal couple preaches about climate change before taking four private jets in 11 days, it is par for the course for a royal scribe to point out the inconsistency of that message. None of it is ever personal, as evidenced by the fact that practically every member of the monarchy has come in for flak over the years.

If Oprah wasn’t willing to point out the discrepancies in Harry and Meghan’s testimony, surely it is beholden on royal reporters to question how the Duchess had managed to undertake four foreign holidays in the six months after her wedding, in addition to official tours to Italy, Canada, and Amsterdam, as well as embarking on a lengthy honeymoon, if she had ‘turned over’ her passport?

While no one would wish to undermine the extent of her mental health problems, could it really be true that she only left the house twice in four months when she managed to cram in 73 days’ worth of engagements, according to the Court Circular, in the 17 months between her wedding and the couple’s departure to Canada?

And what of the ‘racist’ headlines flashed up during the interview purporting to be from the British press, when more than a third were actually taken from independent blogs and the foreign media? The UK media abides by the Independent Press Standards Organisation’s Code of Conduct ‘to avoid prejudicial or pejorative reference to an individual’s race’, as well as by rigorous defamation laws. And rightly so – the British press doesn’t always get it right. But social media is the Wild West by comparison, publishing vile slurs on a daily basis with impunity.

Some therefore find it strange that such a litigious couple would claim to have been ‘silenced’ when they have made so many complaints, including resorting to legal action, over stories they claim not to have even read. There is something similarly contradictory about a couple accusing the tabloids of lacking self-reflection while refusing to take any blame at all – for anything.

In any normal world, informed writing on such matters would be classed as fair comment, but not, seemingly, on Twitter where those completely lacking any objectivity whatsoever are only too willing to virtue signal and manoeuvre.

As the trolling reached fever pitch in the aftermath of the interview, veteran royal reporter Robert Jobson of the Evening Standard called me. ‘Don’t respond to these freaks,’ he advised. ‘It’s getting nasty out there. Watch your back!’

Yet despite my general sense of bewilderment at the menacing Megbots, I can’t say it didn’t appal me to discover a close friend had received online abuse, purely by dint of being my mate. After discussing the lengths the troll must have gone to to track her down, she asked me, ‘Do you ever worry someone might do something awful to you?’ Er, not until now, no.

Of course it’s upsetting, even for a cynical old-timer like me. Worse still are people who actually know me casting aspersions on my profession on social media. Often these are the same charlatans who would think nothing of sidling up to me for the latest gossip on the Royal family, while publicly pretending that reading any such coverage is completely beneath them.

Most pernicious of all though – not least after Piers Morgan’s departure from Good Morning Britain following a complaint to ITV and Ofcom from the Duchess – is the corrosive effect this whole hullabaloo is having on freedom of speech. When you’ve got a former actor effectively editing a British breakfast show from an £11 million Montecito mansion, what next?

I cannot help but think we are in danger of setting race relations back 30 years if people are seriously suggesting that any criticism of Meghan is racially motivated. It’s the hypocrisy that gets me. When Priti Patel was accused of bullying, the very same people who willingly hung the Home Secretary out to dry are now the ones defending Meghan against such claims, saying they have been levelled at her simply because she is ‘a strong woman of colour’.

Of course journalists should take responsibility for everything they report and be held to account for it – but Harry and Meghan do not have a monopoly on the truth simply because the close friend and neighbour who interviewed them in return for £7 million from CBS took what they said as gospel.

If she isn’t willing to probe the disparity between Meghan saying someone questioned the colour of Archie’s skin when she was pregnant, and Harry suggesting it happened before they were even married, then someone must. There’s a name for such scrutiny. It’s called journalism.

The public reserves the right to make up its own mind – with the help of the watchful eye of a free and fair press. But that press can never be free or fair if journalists do not feel they can report without fear or favour. I’m lucky that a lot of the criticism I face is more than balanced out by hugely supportive members of the public and online community who either agree – or respect the right to disagree. Along with the hate mail, I have had many thoughtful and eloquent missives, including those that good naturedly challenge what I have written in the paper or said on TV, which have genuinely given me pause for thought.

I am more than happy to enter into constructive discourse with these correspondents, who are frankly sometimes the only people who keep me on Twitter. I mean, let’s face it, I wouldn’t be anywhere near the bloody thing if this wasn’t my day job.

With the National Union of Journalists this month declaring that harassment and abuse had ‘become normalised’ within the industry, never have members of Britain’s press needed more courage. As Winston Churchill famously said, ‘You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.’

Who would have thought that the preservation of the fundamental freedoms that we hold so dear should partially rest on the shoulders of those who follow around a 94-year-old woman and her family for a living?

If I’d known then what I know now, would I still have written the bridesmaid’s dress story?

Yes – doubtlessly reflecting sisterly sobs all round. But after two decades in this business, I am clear-eyed enough to know this for certain: whatever I had written, it would still have ended in tears.

[kaunis-sielu]

Blackbird: 16

You and Steve finish showering and he gives you a shirt and a pair of shorts to wear from his closet. You gather up your wet things and throw them into the washing machine.

“Steve?” You ask as he stares into the fridge.

“Hmm?”

“Um, where is Ada?”

“Cabin with Carol. I didn’t think it was a good idea to have her around for this.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, what do you want for dinner?”

“I don’t care.” Steve glances over his shoulder at you and he’s stunned to see tears on your face.

“Birdie?”

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what the fuck is happening.” You tell him as he rounds the counter. He turns the chair you’re in and steps between your legs before gently guiding you into him.

“You were kidnapped. You have every right to cry Honey.” He soothes, so you do. For a couple of minutes you wrap your arms around him and cry.

“Cap?” Bucky’s voice interrupts your tears.

“What?”

“I sent Gamora for her things from school.” He says placing your purse on the counter, “She should probably call her friends let them know everything is fine. The police are here and want to talk to you.”

“Fine. Tell them I’ll be right down. They are not allowed in without a warrant.”

“Birdie should come down too. They’re looking for her.”

“Fine. Go.” Bucky leaves and you look up at Steve. “You don’t have to tell them anything Honey. You can just say there was an emergency.”

“Okay, and Steve? That thing I said about Bucky earlier. You have nothing to worry about, he’s just the only other person I know that I didn’t know if he had a girlfriend.” He kisses you soundly then pulls away with a smirk,

“Don’t worry Sweetheart. I know whose name you were moaning.” He murmurs into your ear.

“Steve.” You groan as you roll your eyes and he laughs,

“Yea Honey, just like that.” He takes your hand and you follow him down to the garage where Bucky and Sam are the only ones in the room with two police officers.

“Officers. How can I help you?”

“We’re here to ask you some questions.”

“Go ahead.”

“Where were you all afternoon?”

“Hanging out with my boys, picked up my girl, we were about to make dinner.”

“At 9:30?”

“We spent some quality time together.” Steve says with a smirk and you cover your face with your free hand.

“Ma’am we’d like to speak to you in private.”

“No thanks.” You tell him and his brows furrow.

“Your coworkers reported you missing.”

“That’s weird, I’m clearly not missing.”

“So where did you go?”

“Go?”

“They said you just vanished from work.”

“I left early, like Steve said we spent some quality time together.” The officer glares at you but you give him a little shrug. “Sorry to waste your time.”

“So all those fires had nothing to do with you?”

“Is that what’s going on?” Steve asks, “I hope no one was hurt. Now if that’s all I’ve got a woman to feed.”

“If you were involved Mr. Rogers we will find out.”

“Good thing I wasn’t involved then.” Steve says before turning away and starting for the elevator.

“If he’s involved we’re going to find out.” The second cop growls as he grabs your arm.

“Let go!” You hiss yanking away from him but his grip just tightens. “Steve!” You cry and he peels the cops hand off of your arm.

“Buck, if I punch this cop will I go to jail or am I covered because he assaulted my woman?”

“You’ll go to jail.” Bucky says sounding bored you grab Steve’s arm.

“Please don’t. I don’t want to be home alone.” You say softly and his gaze softens, when he turns back to the two police officers he sneers, “Get out.” You take his hand and pull him away from the officers and back to the elevator. When you get into the elevator you push the button to go back to the kitchen.

He cups your cheek as you wait for the elevator doors to open. “What are we?”

“What do you mean?”

“You keep calling me your girl but am I?”

“If you wanna be, I’m all in here Honey.” You take a moment to really think about it. Like, on one hand he’s a mob boss but he’s also literally killed for you.

“I think that sounds nice. You still don’t get to boss me around but I like you. A lot and I like Ada, and you make me feel safe.”

“What if my bossing you around keeps your safe?”

“Then we have a conversation about it.”

“Fine.” He agrees as the elevator doors open. “Now dinner.”

“Something easy. Pasta?” You offer and he nods then gets started.

He makes a pasta dish with olive oil, tomatoes and spinach and it’s fantastic. While he cooks you make sure to check in with all of your friends and let them know you’re fine. You insist on cleaning up from dinner and Steve disappears to his room while you do. When he comes back out he’s dressed in what you’d deem his work clothes. Black shirt, black suit coat and black pants.

“Where are you going?”

“To take care of some things.”

“Brock?”

“Honey. I don’t want you involved.”

“Just come home to me okay?” You tell him holding the lapels of his coat. “I don’t trust those cops that were here earlier.”

“I’ll leave one of the boys.”

“Okay.”

“Sleep in my room? So I can find you when I get home.”

“You want me to stay up?” He shakes his head, “wake me up when you get back then.”

“Okay,” he slants his lips over yours kissing you deeply. You’ll never get used to how right his mouth feels on yours. “Stay in the house please.”

“I will, until work tomorrow.”

“I’m sending Sam with you.”

“Steve no. We’ve had this conversation already. I’ll keep the earrings on, you can watch on the cameras but I don’t want a shadow.”

“We’ll talk about it.”

“We just did.” You tell him before rising up on your toes and kissing him softly. “Be careful and come home.”

Tag list:

@andahugaroundtheneck @connie326 @also-fangirlinsweden @lumar014 @loving-life-my-way @pagina16ps @emdying @dumblani @valsworldofcreativity @blackwidownat2814 @sky0401 @dontbescaredtosingalong @fanatic434 @abschaffer2

[starglow-xx]

owning a bakery and being discovered by the ada & port mafia (part 1)

platonic! edogawa ranpo x f! reader

type of writing: head canons !!

this is part of my head canon series, flour & fluff !!

tag list is open !! go to this google form and fill it out to sign up!

series synopsis: owning a bakery at 20 is tough; even more so when you have to handle members of two opposing organizations! this is your journey to meeting these fools and creating an unlikely bond with each of them! but only at the cost of your peace and sanity. 

fandom: bungou stray dogs

content: fluff & platonic stuff

author’s notes: this will be a multiple part series of head canons and this is only part one! this series will include both the agency and port mafia members, and then something special for the end. maybe i’ll even write a real one shot/scenario for it. if there’s enough interest, i might open up a tag list for this! i hope you all enjoy!! <33

also, ranpo is 25 in this part; kenji, atushi, kyouka, and the tanizaki siblings aren’t part of the agency yet, only yosano, kunikida, and dazai are, but in the next couple parts, it will be established that the tanizakis are

and (n/n) means nickname :)

meeting the greatest detective

your bakery, Sakura’s, which you named after your late grandmother (who was also your guardian), went into business when you were 18 right after graduating high school

who needed a culinary course when you were trained by dear ol grandma?

your grandmother died when you were 16, just as you started your second year of high school

you were devastated of course, but you knew she wouldn’t want you to wallow over it too long

so in those last two hard years of high school, you took part time jobs at other bakeries and saved lots and lots of money

by graduation, using your life savings, the money your grandmother had left for you, and all the money you earned working, you were able to buy the small building—with a reasonable amount of money left over to survive— you and your grandmother had been eyeing back in her hometown, yokohama, to start your bakery

the building was a bit run down, but you were planning to give it a makeover anyways

it was a bit smaller compared to other buildings around, only having two stories, but on the plus side, the second floor had taller ceilings and was an apartment

is that realistic? probably not but bare with me here 

aNYWHO

you finished putting your bakery up in about 4 months, then finished up your apartment 2 more after

you opened Sakura’s at 7 in the morning then closed at 8 in the evening

when you first started, you did quite well!!

especially with those who went to work on early mornings and families

the time when you first opened was the most peaceful, but you admitted that it was a bit boring, and you wished for a bit more excitement

and boy, the day edogawa ranpo stepped into your bakery was the catalyst for the chaos and excitement that was soon to come

not that you knew that

if you did you would’ve never let him in

maybe

you were 19 when ranpo discovered Sakura’s, and it was completely accidental

he finished solving a case and was on the way back to the agency, and he—not surprisingly—got lost and then it started to rain really hard

it was pouring; there was even the cliche thunder strike and everything

you saw the brown clad man across the street and you ran out with two umbrellas (almost getting hit by a car mind you) handed one to him and practically dragged him inside

with the heavy rain on the forecast, Sakura’s was empty, so you gently pushed him down on a chair and you rushed away to find towels

even though the two of you had umbrellas, the two of you were still soaked 

finding said towels, you quickly dried yourself the best you could then you draped your towel over your back and rushed over to give him his as well as a warm pastry and your special hot honey lemon tea

ranpo laughed as you placed down the refreshment and snack, thinking that you knew who he was and was giving him special treatment

poor bby blinked and went :0 when you said you didn’t

“you don’t know who i am?”

“no. am i supposed to?”

“...”

the 25 year old blanked and you worried that you broke him and started to apologize profusely 

he cut you off claiming that he got over it he didnt but seeing as the bakery was empty and it was pouring pretty badly, he demanded you give him all your attention sit with him so he could tell you all about himself and what he’s done

the two of you got along quite well

you were amazed with all the stories he’s told you 

you honestly acted like a cute little kid listening to fairytales

he told you that and in response you threw a napkin at him

“wow ranpo-san! that’s amazing!!”

“you look like a little kid”

cue the napkin

he was happy with all the attention, praise, and sweets you gave him

the agency gave him praise sure, and made sure he had a lot of snacks but it was refreshing to have someone give him this much and your treats were the best he’s ever had

after he told you all his most interesting cases, the two of you just rambled about the most randomest things; going from the best desserts and snacks to the stupidest things his coworkers have done

you guys were on that last topic for a while

you two talked and rambled for hours, and when it hit hour two and the rain was still pouring, you just went ahead and slipped the “we’re open” sign to “closed” even though it was only 2 o’clock

you thought that this was probably the loving goofy older brother relationship that you missed out on

“ranpo-san, you’re kind of like the brother i’ve never had”

“and you’re still like that little kid”

cue another napkin to the face

don’t worry, he already adores you <3 

he just likes to make fun of you </3

*cuts you off as you’re talking to squish your cheeks* “(y/n) you still have a lot of baby fat and you’re pretty short...are you sure you’re still not in high school or smth??”

*incoherent talking due to pressure on cheeks* “ranpo-san you have 3 seconds before i kick you out”

at around 6, the rain came to a stop and by then, the both of you were all dried up

before he left, you gave him a map so that he hopefully wouldn’t get lost again and gave him a couple boxes of treats for him to have and to share with his coworkers

you closed early so you had to give away at least some of the remaining treats somehow

he wanted you to go to agency with him so he didn’t have to carry everything but you declined saying that you didn’t want to bc you wanted to rest

and for payback for calling you a little kid

you were 19 goddamnit

you already placed everything neatly into two bags so it was easy to carry but this bitch still had the audacity to pout and whine at you

and he calls you the little kid, jeez

you never told him but, you almost gave in

you never told him. but he probably already knows

ranpo san knows all after all; even you knew that by now

the two of you had also exchanged phone numbers and when the two of you showed each other what you each put for a contact name along with the note below, the two of you broke out into grins

you named him “the greatest detective <33″ & put the note “new nii-san <33 & bully </3″ and he named you “cute bakery girl” with the note “best follower, sweets supply & annoying little kid”

when he left, you properly closed the bakery and taped a sign to the door saying that you closed early for personal reasons

when everything was cleaned up, you marched up into your bedroom, plopped on your bed, and took a nap

you deserved it

at the agency not too long after that, ranpo had arrived and when he opened the door, everyone rushed towards him in concern asking if he was okay

he waved them off and walked towards his desk and plopped down in his seat

he placed the two bags in front of him and took out a box of cream puffs and started to snack on them

his coworkers watched him blankly as his scarfed down one after another

after finishing that box, he rummaged through the bags to look through the different kinds of pastries you’ve given him 

noticing that there were people still staring at him he paused before sighing in exasperation

he began to whine at his coworkers saying that no one told him it was gonna rain and that they were lucky that he happened to be in front of Sakura’s

“why did no one tell me?! it was pouring and i was soaked! you guys are lucky that (n/n)-chan’s bakery was right there! you would’ve probably lost me! how would the agency even function without me here?!”

no one wanted to be the one to tell him that they had no idea who he was talking about and that they did in fact tell him that it was gonna pour

they can save that, and their questions for another time

next >>

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[pazumane-archive]

Closing Time - Asahi x Reader

Characters: Asahi Azumane, female reader, original female character, small Taichi cameo

Relationships: Asahi Azumane x Reader

Genre: Fluff, hurt/comfort if you squint, SFW but 16+ please

Warnings: Alcohol, general drunken shenanigans, emetophobia (mentions of vomit), bad language

WC: 6.4k

Author’s Note: Hi everyone! This is a totally self-indulgent bedtime-scenario-type story because there is simply not enough Asahi/Reader content out there and I adore him. It’s also my first time writing in 2nd person, so PLEASE feel free to send me any feedback, please just be kind :) I really don’t like to use y/n, so I only used it a couple times towards the end when I wasn’t sure what else to do lol

The preview begins with the bolded text below and fic continues after the cut :)

Reblogs appreciated! <3

You weren’t planning on getting this drunk. But by the time it got to be about 11:30, you didn’t know what else to do. You had put so much effort and energy into making yourself look nice just for your date not to show up. Your roommate was out of town, so instead of going home and pouting, you figured you might as well have some fun while you were out. But you’ve never been good at exercising restraint, and the fact that you were alone wasn’t doing you any favors. But by closing time had rolled around, you could hardly see straight. You needed help, so you call upon an old friend.

“Do you have anybody you can call for a ride?” Kawanishi asks.

Kawanishi’s the bartender at this izakaya, and over the course of the night, you spent most of the time talking his ear off. He’s nice enough, and held pleasant conversation for the last few hours. He says he used to be a volleyball player, and had even played on the same team as a one of the guys on the Japan National Team. You forget to ask him which school he attended, but he probably was tired of talking to your drunk ass anyway, so you don’t bother asking. “Yeah,” you say, digging in your purse for your phone. “Are you sure? I can call a cab for you if you need it,” he offers. “Nah,” you say, hiccupping between words. “I’ll call somebody. Thank you though.” “No problem,” he says. “Just try to make it quick.” You scroll through your phone, trying to figure out who to call. Your roommate’s out of town visiting her parents, so she’s a no-go. You could call Kokomi. Honestly, she would deserve the 2AM phone call for setting you up on this failed blind date in the first place. Ever since you moved to Tokyo last month, she was constantly trying to set you up with somebody, whether it was a friend, a coworker, or some rando that she had met on the train. Unfortunately, all of them were jerks. And this one was the biggest jerk of all. You silently curse yourself for going along with her antics again.

“He’s great, you’ll love him!” “You said that about the last three guys you tried to set me up with, Kokomi.” “Please!! You’ll never know if you don’t even give him a chance.”

Well, you gave him a chance. And it ended up with you all alone, drunk as hell in an unfamiliar part of the city. You dial Kokomi’s number, but it goes straight to voicemail. “Bitch,” you mutter. You unlock your phone again and look through to find somebody that might be able to take you home. You scroll back to the top of your contact list, and your eyes settle on another name. He lives just a few blocks away, and knowing him, he’s probably awake working on something anyway. You click on his contact and wait for him to answer.

*

The exhaustion’s starting to get to him. It’s the weekend and he can afford to stay up an extra couple of hours to finish this design, but the combination of fatigue and frustration are taking over. He sets down his pencil and moves towards his bed, until his cell starts to buzz. He glances over at the clock on the wall. 1:49 AM.

Who could possibly be calling at this hour?

Asahi picks up his phone, surprised to see your name on the screen. His heart skips a beat in his chest, both from excitement and nervousness. Aside from his teammates, you’re one of the only people he bothered to keep in contact with after high school. The two of you had even met up a few times since you moved to the city, but he never would have expected you to call at this hour unless… unless something is wrong. “Hey you, what’s up?” He says, choking back a yawn. “Hiiiii Asahiiii!  I tried to call Kokomi but she didn’t answer her phone… could you come pick me up?” Your voice is thick and your words are almost unintelligible as you speak. It’s obvious that you’re far from sober. “Where are you?” Asahi asks, failing to mask the anxiety in his voice. “Are you okay? Are you safe?” “M’fine,” you slur. “But I…” Suddenly the call drops. Asahi calls you back in a panic, his heart racing as he waited for you to answer. You could be in danger and he’d be powerless to help you. He doesn’t even know where you are. “Hello?” A man’s voice comes through the speaker. “Who are you? Where is she?” Asahi asks frantically. “Relax, man. I’m just the bartender,” he says. “Look, your friend’s next to me, but she’s on the verge of passing out. Can you come get her before she pukes all over my bar? She’s at Zoetrope. You know where that is?” “Of course, I’m on my way now! I’ll be there in ten minutes,” Asahi says, grabbing his apartment keys and putting on a pair of shoes. He’s out the door almost immediately.

*

Kawanishi presses your phone back into your hands. Your head is spinning so fast that you struggle to keep your eyes open. “Is he coming?” you ask. “Yeah, he’s on the way,” Kawanishi says. “He’ll be here soon. Now do me a favor, don’t get this drunk the next time you come into my izakaya or I’ll have to kick you out.” “You’re kicking me out???” “Only if you start throwing up,” he says under his breath. “I’m not going to throw up!” you exclaim, suddenly becoming very aware of the churning in your stomach. You grumble, slumping over the bar. You squeeze your eyes shut, the spinning in your head only getting worse with every breath you take. You feel like you’re going to die, and honestly, between the embarrassment of being stood up and the wave of nausea coming over you, you’re ready to welcome that death with open arms. “Hey!” Kawanishi says, smacking the bar next to your head. “Your friend’s going to be here soon, don’t fall asleep or I’ll throw you out on the street myself.” “I’m sorry, Kawanishi-san.” You sit up slowly and cradle your head in your hands once more, trying to make the world stop spinning.

Please get here soon, Asahi.

*

Asahi sprints down the street as fast as he can towards the izakaya. He’s sure that he looks suspicious running down the street alone at night, but he doesn’t care. You’re in trouble, and he’s the only person that can help you. He finally makes it to the bar and hastily pulls the door open. You’re dressed beautifully, and your makeup and hair are exquisitely done. Unfortunately, the way you’re slumped over the bar makes it obvious that something’s wrong. He’s not sure what happened, but whatever it was, it must have been rough. The bartender gently helps you out of your seat, and Asahi can’t help but think that he looks very familiar. You straighten up and as soon as you make eye contact with Asahi, you perk up. “Asahi-san!” you exclaim, rushing towards him and almost falling over. You crush him in an unexpectedly tight hug. “Long time no see, big guy!” “I saw you three days ago,” he says under his breath. You continue babbling unintelligibly, and Asahi looks up at the bartender. “Did she close out her tab?” Asahi asks. “I took care of it already,” the bartender replies. “Please just make sure she gets home okay. She’s had a rough night.” “Yeah, of course,” Asahi says. “Thanks for helping her out.” “No problem.” Asahi peels your arms off him and starts to nudge you towards the door. Just before the two of you leave, Asahi stops and turns back to the bartender. “Have we met before?” he asks. “I played for Shiratorizawa. Didn’t think I’d see you again, Karasuno Samurai.” Asahi frowns slightly. He hasn’t heard that nickname high school, and it’s weird hearing it again now. “Right,” he says. “Well, thanks again. Have a good night.” Asahi leads you out of the bar and down the sidewalk. You hold tightly to his arm, stumbling over yourself. He braces you against his side, and you take this opportunity to tease him a little bit. “Do you like my outfit, Asahi-san?” you ask, pressing into his side. “Yeah, it’s really nice!” he answers nervously, turning his head to hide the blush creeping up his cheeks. He’s not lying – you look beautiful, both your top and your skirt accentuating your curves in all the right places. But it would be wrong to say anything more than that while you’re in this state. That wouldn’t be fair to either of you. He brusquely clears his throat and keeps walking as soon as the light signals that you can cross. “I dressed up extra nice tonight, but it didn’t even fucking matter,” you grumble, your voice breaking slightly. Asahi either doesn’t hear you, or does hear you and decides not to say anything. “I’m soooo glad you’re here,” you say, drawing out your words even longer than you were a minute ago. “I’m sorry, this is super embarrassing! I should’ve figured this out on my own.” “It’s okay,” Asahi says. “How long have you been in Tokyo again?” “A month? I think?” “Exactly,” he says. “You probably don’t know your way around that much. I’d feel terrible if I wasn’t able to help you find your way home.” “Meh,” you say. “I’ve had the worst night of my fucking life, so maybe it would be better if I passed out in a ditch somewhere.” “Do you want to talk about it?” Asahi asks. “No,” you answer quickly. “Okay.” You start blathering again and Asahi has to practically drag you down the street behind him. The station just past his apartment has a train that can drop you right by your building. He can just take a cab back after he gets you home. He considers inviting you stay the night at his place since it’s right there, but he’s afraid of being weird, so he doesn’t say anything. The two of you come to a stop at the train station… which is closed. “I’m sorry,” Asahi says remorsefully. “I guess the train stopped running at midnight. I’ll call you a cab.” He goes to pull his phone out of his pocket, but you grab his hand before he can. “Can I stay at your place tonight?” you ask sheepishly. “I… my roommate is out of town. And I’m really not doing good right now. I just really don’t want to be alone.” Despite how out of it you’ve been since he picked you up, Asahi sees nothing but complete sincerity in your eyes. Tonight must have been really rough. “Are you sure?” he asks. “I’ll just sleep on the couch- or a futon if you have one!” you say, nodding. “Okay.” Asahi turns back towards his apartment and you follow closely behind him, not letting go of his hand the entire time.

*

Asahi helps you across the threshold of his apartment and sits you down on a chair by the door. “Asahi-san, you’re so handsome with your hair down like that,” you say, reaching up to twirl a finger in his long chestnut tresses. “And you’re loopy,” Asahi mutters, disentangling your fingers from his hair. Once again, he finds himself hiding a blush. He’s not used to being showered with compliments, and he knows you wouldn’t be saying this stuff if you were sober. He kicks off his shoes and kneels down in front of you, helping you take yours off. “How are you feeling?” he asks you. “Can I get you some water or a some–” “Why didn’t you ask me out when we were in high school?” you ask suddenly. “I think I made it pretty obvious that I had a crush on you. It’s all I could think about when you were holding my hand back there.” “I – I, uh,” Asahi stammers. You burst out laughing, startling Asahi. It’s that same boisterous laugh you’ve had for as long as he could remember knowing you. You were always self-conscious about it in high school, but your laugh has always been one of Asahi’s favorite things about you. Despite the fact that it’s at his expense, he’s glad to see your mood improve. Asahi considers your question for a moment. He really liked you too back then, and everyone knew it. Suga and Daichi constantly teased him for it.

So why hadn’t he asked you out back then?

Well, for a number of reasons. He spent so much of his third year focused on volleyball that he didn’t have the mental or emotional capacity for much else. He hadn’t even planned on going back to school after graduation until Nishinoya helped convince him to pursue his passions. He felt directionless, and he didn’t want to burden anybody else with his indecision. But most importantly, he was scared you’d reject him. Suga was right. He really was a coward. He’d dated a few people since high school graduation, but none of them made him feel the way you did, and they didn’t treat him as well as you would have. Which begs the question – why hasn’t he asked you out since you moved to Tokyo? He pushes the thought to the back of his mind. This isn’t the kind of conversation to be having when you aren’t even able to form a coherent sentence. Asahi’s thoughts are interrupted by your hand on his shoulder and a loud hiccup. “I should wash my face. Can I wash my face?” “Sure,” Asahi says, helping you stand up. You stumble forward, but he catches you easily and pulls you back to your feet. He quietly leads you to the bathroom and sits you down on the edge of the bathtub. “I’m sorry,” you say. “I’m a mess.” “No, you’re not. Hold on a second,” he says, opening the drawer under the sink. He pulls out a small package of makeup wipes and takes one out. He kneels in front of you and begins wiping the makeup off your face. “I know they’re not great for your skin,” he says. “But it’s better than nothing, right?” “Why do you even have those?” you ask between hiccups. “Do you wear makeup? I mean, it’s obviously fine if you do, but it doesn’t really seem like your thing.” “I don’t, but you never know when they’ll come in handy! I do work with a lot of makeup artists,” he says, somewhat defensively. You get the sense that he’s lying about something, but Asahi changes the subject before you can probe him any further. “So what were you doing there by yourself?” he asks. “It’s not safe to be alone so late at night.” Clearly this was the wrong thing to ask. All the negative emotions and thoughts you were having all even spring to the forefront of your mind, and you start to cry. Asahi starts apologizing profusely, but you wave him off. “It’s fine,” you sniffle, wiping a tear away from your cheek. “Kokomi was trying to set me up with one of her friends, but he never showed up.” Asahi sits back on his heels. Kokomi is another girl from Karasuno that ended up in Tokyo. She wasn’t in the same class as him, but he remembers how loud she always was in the hallways. Honestly, both of you were always loud, but you’ve always been much more considerate of others than Kokomi ever was. “Shit,” he mumbles. “That really sucks. I’m sorry.” “Yeah. It does suck.” Asahi grabs another wipe and asks you to close your eyes. You do as he says, and he lightly wipes off your eye makeup. He’s worked with enough models to recognize that you’re wearing false eyelashes, so he gently pulls those off too. You feel yourself start to wobble on the edge of the tub, so you grip his arm to steady yourself. “I’m sorry,” you whisper. “It’s okay,” he says. “You don’t need to keep apologizing to me.” “Do you think there’s something wrong with me?” you ask suddenly. “Wait, what?” “I just… this keeps happening to me. Everyone always says that it’s because they’re not the right person for me, but it’s starting to feel like there’s just something wrong with me instead,” you say, choking back a sob. “I know I just moved here, but I’m just so lonely. I hate feeling like I’m not good enough.” Asahi tenderly wipes a tear from your cheek and cups your face in both hands. “Hey, look at me. There is nothing wrong with you,” he says sincerely. “That guy is an idiot and a jerk. If he had any idea how extraordinary you are, he never would’ve done that to you.” You can’t bring yourself to look him in the eyes. You don’t feel like you deserve to be spoken to like this – with such genuine kindness and sincerity. Asahi makes you feel so good. So special. He always has. And he’s just so… tender, especially for somebody who looks as intimidating as he does. You wonder if those feelings from high school ever truly went away. You sit up straighter and try to smile at him, but your stomach flips unexpectedly and violently. “Asahi-san?” you ask, gripping his shoulder tightly. “Yeah?” he replies. “Toilet.” Asahi moves out of the way as fast as possible. You hunch over the rim and retch into the toilet bowl. Asahi quickly scoops up your hair and holds it behind your head as you throw up. “Please, just leave me,” you mutter. “I’m gonna fucking die here.” “I’m not going to leave you here and you’re not going to die,” Asahi says, gingerly picking up the last loose strands laying on your neck and holding them back with the rest of your hair. Your back tenses up again before you begin heaving once more. Asahi tucks his nose into the collar of his shirt, careful to make sure that he’s out of your field of vision. He wants to be there for you but he had a weak stomach himself and the sight and smell of somebody else’s vomit is something he knows he won’t be able to handle. You mumble weak apologies between hacks, but Asahi just ignores them and rubs your back gently. After what feels like an eternity, the churning in your stomach finally stops and you reach up towards the flush handle. The exhaustion in your body and heart finally begin to catch up with you, and your hand falls back to your side. “I got it. Do you think you’re done?” Asahi asks, coaxing you back up into a seated position. You nod, too tired to try to speak. Asahi quickly tugs his shirt back down from his face before you can see and closes the toilet lid. “I’m sorry,” you mumble. “Don’t be,” Asahi says, flushing the toilet. “I’m your friend. I want to help you. And I’ve already told you that you don’t need to apologize to me.” Asahi helps you sit on the top of the toilet and rises to his feet. “Don’t go anywhere,” he says, scurrying out of the room. Although your eyes are closed, you still feel your body swaying. More than anything, you just want to go to sleep. Asahi pads back into the room and presses a wooden cup into your hands. “Drink this,” he says, turning on the faucet. Even though drinking something is the last thing you want to be doing right now, you go ahead and lift the cup to your open mouth. Cold water passes your lips and washes away some of the disgusting taste in your mouth. It feels gross, but you force yourself to drink all of it. Asahi takes the cup from your hand and turns the faucet back off. You flinch at the feeling of a damp washcloth on your face. “It’s okay,” Asahi says gently, cradling your chin with his free hand and angling your face up. “Just cleaning you up a little.” You murmur in acknowledgement and Asahi continues to wipe your face down. You almost fall asleep sitting on his toilet, but he gently shakes you to keep you awake. “Stay with me for another minute,” he says softly. “You can go to sleep soon. You’re gonna be just fine. I promise.” His words and his voice are so sweet that you want to cry. A couple rogue tears drip from your eyes and onto his hands. “I’m sorry,” you say once more. Asahi sets the washcloth on the counter and starts to pull you to your feet. You struggle to stay on your feet, so instead, he carefully scoops you into his arms and carries you out the bathroom. You don’t care where you go, you just need to sleep. Asahi’s pretty certain you’re asleep by the time he deposits you on his mattress. Your chest rises and falls slowly as he pulls his duvet over you. He begins to make his way to the couch, but stops when he feels you grab his hand. “Please don’t go, Asahi-san,” you whisper. “Please.” You tug harder at his fingers and he knows he can’t refuse you. He ends up sitting on the edge of the bed holding your hand until you fall asleep.

*

As soon as your quiet snores permeate the silence, Asahi untangles his fingers from yours. He brushes a loose strand of hair out of your face and he can’t help but let his eyes linger on your sleeping face for just a moment. The moonlight trickling through the window illuminates your hair and casts a silvery glow on your skin. Despite the awful night you’ve had, you look absolutely radiant. He feels himself blushing again, but he takes some comfort in the fact that he doesn’t have to try and hide it this time. Not while you’re fast asleep in his bed. He’s far too scared to admit it, even to himself, but he’s fantasized about falling asleep next to you many times before. But in those fantasies you weren’t drunk and crying over another man. Asahi sighs, stands up, and moves over to the dresser as quietly as he can. After setting a few things out for you, he goes into the bathroom, gets ready for bed and heads to the couch for the night.

*

By the time you wake up in the morning, you feel like you’re going to die. You can’t remember what exactly happened the previous night. The last thing you remember clearly was talking to the bartender about high school volleyball, of all things. Your head’s pounding, and your stomach aches painfully, screaming at you to please eat something. You don’t open your eyes, fearing that it would somehow trigger another round of vomiting. Eventually, you force yourself into a seated position and open your eyes. The bedroom you’re in is small, but pretty well-decorated. It’s decently tidy. The only mess is a few crumpled up clothing designs discarded on the floor next to the trash bin.

Designs? Did that mean?

You’re at Asahi’s apartment. In his bed. Your eyes widen in panic.

  What happened last night?

You’re still wearing the clothes that you wore to the bar last night. And there’s no evidence of him ever being in bed with you. You reach over towards your phone, which has been graciously plugged in for you and set on the bedside table. That’s when you notice the note along with a sleeve of crackers and a glass of ginger ale.

Good morning!

There’s a set of clothes you can wear at the foot of the bed and a spare toothbrush in the bathroom. Feel free to take a shower if you want. Extra towels are underneath the sink. Please have something to eat and drink too. You’ll feel better if you do.

-Asahi

P.S. Please don’t feel bad. It’s okay.

You grab a few of the crackers from the bedside table and eat them, washing them down with the ginger ale.

Why does Asahi have to be so damn considerate? The whole situation is so embarrassing.

You contemplate just grabbing your phone and getting the hell out of his apartment, but you’re not going to pass up the opportunity to shower. You finish the last of the crackers, chug down the ginger ale, and grab the spare clothes at the end of the bed. You turn the doorknob as silently as you can and awkwardly creep down the hall towards the bathroom, stopping briefly to peek in the living room. Asahi’s fast asleep on the couch, clad only in pajama pants and a pair of fuzzy socks. His hair is down and messily splayed across the throw pillow he’s resting his head on. Quiet snores pass his lips. He looks cute. Your eyes trail from his face and down to his stomach. Despite quitting volleyball after high school, he seems to have mostly maintained his athletic form, except for a tiny little layer of pudge on his lower stomach. The corners of your lips twitch up into a smile, until that little voice in the back of your mind reminds you of your place.

Quit staring, you perv! You need to get out of here!

You hurriedly continue down the hallway and jump into the shower as soon as you get into the bathroom. You think that maybe if you clean up fast enough, you can get out of Asahi’s apartment before he wakes up. However, as soon as you step into the shower, all worries about rushing out disappear into the back of your mind. You bask in the hot water, the steam clearing your sinuses and relieving some of the pain in your head. You silently thank the gods that Asahi actually uses conditioner, and not just 3-in-1 like most of the other men you were previously…. acquainted with. Although, it makes sense to you that somebody with hair like Asahi’s would have a strict haircare routine. As you shower, fragmented memories of last night start to come back to you.

Being stood up at the bar. Calling Asahi for help. Puking your guts out in his bathroom. Him carrying you into his room and laying you down on his bed. Him staying by your side until you fell asleep. You wishing he would’ve crawled into bed with you and held you through the night… Wait, what was that last part?

As soon as you’re done rinsing the conditioner from your hair, you step out of the shower and swiftly towel off. You find the spare toothbrush Asahi mentioned, take it out of the packaging, and brush your teeth with his toothpaste. The dry, gross feeling in your mouth is quickly replaced with a minty fresh taste. You slip on the sweatpants and t-shirt that Asahi left for you and dry your hair. Thankfully, Asahi isn’t as huge as most people make him out to be, so while the clothes he left out are a bit big on you, you’re not drowning in them. You’ll just bring them back some other day. You start combing through your hair, and that’s when you hear it – the sound of somebody padding around in the apartment. Shit. Once the footsteps quiet down, you rush out of the bathroom and towards the front door. Asahi eyes you as you scoop up your shoes, pushing his glasses up his nose. “Good morning!” he says kindly. “How are you feeling?” “I’m so sorry Azumane-san, it won’t happen again!” you say as you throw open the door and rush into the hallway. “Hold on, wait up!” he says as you pull the door closed behind you. You run all the way to the stairs at the end of the hallway and go to call Kokomi for a ride home. That’s when you realize that your phone is still plugged into the wall in Asahi’s room. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. You turn around and trudge back towards his apartment. Before you can even knock, the door opens slowly. Asahi stands there in just his pajama pants, holding your phone out to you. “You shouldn’t leave without your phone,” he says. You thank him and take your phone, a blush creeping up your cheeks. You try not to stare at his bare chest, already feeling like a creep for ogling him while he was sleeping. “Your clothes are still in the bathroom, too,” he says. “I can go get them for you. Or I can just wash them and give them back to you another time if you want to leave.” “No, that’s okay,” you say, covering your flushing cheeks with the collar of his shirt. “I’ll get them. Can I come in?” “Of course.” Asahi steps out of your way and you head straight for the bathroom, avoiding looking in his eyes. Asahi never gets angry, and you know he wouldn’t be mad at you over something like this, but a lingering sense of shame still washes over you. You scoop up your clothes and leave the bathroom. As soon as you cross the threshold into the living room, the smell of coffee and frying fish washes over you. Asahi stands in the kitchen, cooking breakfast. In the time that you were in the bathroom, he put on a Black Jackals sweatshirt and threw his hair into a loose bun. “Do you want a cup of coffee?” he asks, smiling at you and pouring his own cup. “It’ll help with the hangover.” You stand there and ponder his offer for a moment. Sensing your hesitancy, Asahi suddenly turns back to the stove and mumbles something that you can’t quite make out. “What did you say?” you ask. Asahi rubs the back of his neck, a nervous habit he’s had since you were kids. “I don’t mean to pressure you to stay or anything! I just thought it might help for you to have something more than crackers and ginger ale.” “You’ve done plenty to help me since last night,” you say. “But I’ll take that coffee if the offer is still on the table.” “It is!” Asahi says a little too enthusiastically for his own good. You can’t help but smirk as you take your seat at the kitchen table. Asahi pours you a cup of coffee and slides you a bowl of the rice and fish he made. You thank him quietly and start to eat. He slides into the chair across from you and eats his own breakfast, eyeing you carefully. “What?” you ask after catching him staring. “Since when have you ever called me Azumane-san?” he asks. “I don’t know,” you mumble into your coffee mug. “I didn’t think we reverted back from first name basis,” he says. “I thought we knew each other better than that.” “I don’t know,” you say, a devilish smile crossing your face. “Care to explain why you actually had those makeup wipes in your bathroom drawer? I doubt your makeup artists are coming over to your apartment.” Now it’s Asahi’s turn to blush again. “My ex-girlfriend left them here,” he says. “Felt like a waste to just throw them out.” “Ex-girlfriend?!” you exclaim suddenly, startling Asahi and causing him to drop the wipe on the floor. “I didn’t know you were seeing somebody!” “Yeah,” he says, throwing the wipe in the trash and grabbing a fresh one. “We broke up a while before you moved to the city. She left a bunch of her stuff here and refused to come pick it up. I think she was just too embarrassed to see me again. I got rid of most of it a while ago, but I kept some of the more… uh, utilitarian things.” “I’m sorry,” you say sincerely. “Why did you break up?” Asahi feels a slight pang in his chest. He met his last girlfriend through his job. She was nice enough, and things seemed like they were going okay until he showed up at her apartment to surprise her for their 6 month anniversary, only to find another man in her bed. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” you say. “It’s fine. She cheated on me with some other guy,” he says, his expression darkening. “I think they’re engaged now.” “Shit,” you say. “What a bitch.” “Woah, settle down, it’s okay –” “No, it’s not,” you say firmly. “You deserve someone way better than that. Somebody that treats you with the love and respect that you deserve.” Asahi knows you’re right, but he doesn’t really want to press it. That whole mess had done a number on his mental health, and he really doesn’t want to burden you with his emotional baggage. He adjusts his glasses again and forces a smile. “You know, you should really take your own advice,” he says. You try to think back on what you had said to him last night. The details are fuzzy, but you remember crying. A lot. Instead of answering him, you shovel down the last of the rice and fish. “Thank you for the meal,” you say. Asahi smiles and nods at you before beginning to clear the dishes away. You stand up and stop him, insisting that you clean up yourself. As you finish drying the bowls, your phone buzzes. You check it, only to see a handful of missed texts from Kokomi.

Ono Kokomi [8:32} Hey!! Sorry I missed your call. How was he?  (°◡°♡) [9:14] That good?  (^.~)☆ [9:18] Or that bad?! (;;;*_*) [9:57] HELLO?? (ﾉಥ益ಥ)ﾉ [10:32] ARE YOU ALIVE?!?!?!  〣( ºΔº )〣

You roll your eyes and quickly type out your response.

Y/N [10:33] Yeah, no thanks to you. (￢_￢;)

Ono Kokomi [10:34] Was it really that bad?

Y/N [10:34] He didn’t even show up. (╥_╥) [10:34] Azumane picked me up at 2 AM because I was too drunk to go home alone. I stayed the night at his place. [10:34] Speaking of which, can you come pick me up? Not really in a state to take the train and I think you owe me one.

Ono Kokomi [10:35] (⊙_⊙) [10:35] Spill. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Y/N [10:36] There’s nothing to spill. I threw up in his bathroom and he slept on the couch. Can you just answer my question please? (҂` ﾛ ´)凸

Ono Kokomi [10:36] Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m on my way, lovebird. (￣ε￣＠)

“Everything okay?” Asahi asks. “Yeah,” you say, slipping your phone back into your pocket. “Kokomi’s going to come pick me up.” “Are you sure? I can take you if you want,” he offers. “Yeah, she’s already on her way,” you say, setting the bowl down and turning to face him. “Besides, you’ve done more than enough for me already over the last twelve hours.” You silently pick up your things and walk towards the door. Asahi rises from his chair and awkwardly clears his throat. “Do you have all your stuff?” You nod and smile. Before you open the door, you approach him and wrap your arms around his waist. He shyly hugs you back, hoping you can’t hear the rapid pounding in his chest. “Thank you, Asahi,” you whisper. “You’re amazing.” You let go first and leave his apartment quietly. As soon as the door closes, Asahi walks back into the living room and flops down on the couch. He covers his face with his hands and groans. This morning was almost too much for him – seeing you in his clothes, eating breakfast together, you hugging him before you left. It was all so painfully domestic, and he wishes it didn’t have to end. If only he wasn’t such a coward, he would’ve asked you to stay longer. He doesn’t know how long he lays there until he finally decides to get moving for the day and finish that piece he was working on when you called last night. He checks his phone and sees your name pop up on the screen.

Y/N [11:00] I’m home. Thanks again for babysitting me last night. Whatever did I do to deserve you as my guardian angel? ଘ(੭ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ✩‧₊˚ [11:00] Or was that Noya-san? I forget. (^ω~)

Azumane Asahi [11:01] Lol. You’re welcome. And that was what we called Noya in our club days, but I don’t mind you calling me that too (* ^ ω ^)

Y/N [11:03] Let me make it up to you. [11:04] Come over for dinner tomorrow night?

Asahi almost drops his phone on his face. His fingers fumble as he types his response. He waits a moment before sending it, rereading it ten times to make sure he doesn’t come across as desperate.

Azumane Asahi [11:07] I’d love to. Do you want me to bring anything?

Y/N [11:08] That’s not necessary. I owe you a nice dinner. [11:09] You still like tonkotsu ramen?

Azumane Asahi [11:10] I do!

Y/N [11:11] It’s a date! See you tomorrow! (☞°ヮ°)☞ ☜(°ヮ°☜)

*

“You said nothing happened last night,” Kokomi says, staring over your shoulder at your phone. “Nothing happened, Kokomi. Now leave me alone,” you snap, tossing one of your throw pillows at her. She deftly catches it and plops down on the couch next to you. “Please,” she says, swatting you with the pillow. “The only reason you two haven’t gotten together is because you’re the densest people on the planet. I bet he’s flopped down on his couch right now thinking about how he doesn’t even want to wait that long to see you.” “Shut up,” you grumble. Kokomi’s phone rings and she quickly checks it. “Anyway, I have to go meet Kaito,” she says. “Got to go. Let me know how your date goes!” She waves and practically skips out the front door. You lay down and start making a shopping list for ingredients for tonkatsu ramen. As soon as you’re done, you set your phone down and cross your arms over your face.

“I bet he’s flopped down on his couch right now thinking about how he doesn’t even want to wait that long to see you.” No, Kokomi. That’s me.