#i'm still developing my thoughts
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
some general thoughts on stu
(note: i know people are obsessed with this franchise, but i'm only starting to develop my thoughts on it, so please be patient with me)
. i feel that his and his family's privilege is such a huge reason that he ended up the way he did. like... he's not unintelligent, but he doesn't seem in touch with reality and consequences (or at least not the consequences there should be for the DEGREE of his actions), and someone as manipulative as billy is able to convince him to both harm himself and others. i feel that he's definitely been in trouble before and his parents got him out of it. i also feel that he had some signs of mental illness waaaay prior to the murders which were ignored because they would look bad.
. it wasn't a matter of billy telling him to do things and he did them. he would do things because he'd think billy would think more of him for it, and he'd feed off of billy's reactions, which would drive him to do more and more. to him, billy is cool and smart and all the things stu is not, but wishes he was (and of course, there are other feelings going on, but he doesn't try to think about that too much--see the next point), so keeping his attention is a huge fixation for him.
. he is one of those people who's thoughts will really spiral out of control if he thinks too much. like, you know when you think about how big space is and then you're panicking because jesus CHRIST space is big; that's stu about pretty much everything. he is not the guy who thinks very far ahead (billy handled that) and he also isn't the guy who thinks very far behind either. if he thought too much about things that had happened or things he was going to do he'd definitely freak out the way he started freaking out toward the end of the movie. (and even then, he wasn't to the point of really understanding consequences, since he was mostly concerned about his parents being angry with him.)
. while i think stu mostly had girlfriends because it seemed to be something that billy wanted, i also think he really liked tatum even though he knew that she would be one of their victims. it's one of those things that if you sat him down and tried to get him to explain it to you, he'd have a lot of trouble trying to make any sense. there is this huge border between the him who likes tatum and the him who needs to participate in all these things that will lead to tatum being killed. (note: i think stu helped make sure tatum was stuck in the garage, but i think billy is the one who actually killed her; does not make stu any less guilty though.)
. the situation with casey is definitely a situation where he felt she and steve made him look bad to billy, and i think that billy used that situation to draw stu further in (since their first kill was for billy--even though stu didn't really know that at the time). Once they killed casey and steve, they really shared something that kept them intrinsically bound, so stu couldn't betray him--although i believe billy always intended to betray stu by killing him.
. however, stu felt most betrayed by billy not telling him his motive for killing maureen. like, billy DEFINITELY has given stu his line about how it's scarier if there's no motive, and i'm sure stu bought into it because it's very convenient for his tendency not to want to think about things too closely. i think that was the moment that stu was beginning to realize that billy didn't really see him as an equal, and never would.
. if stu had never met billy, i don't think he would've become a killer, but i don't think he ever would've been a good person without a ton of effort and therapy. the chaotic way he feeds off of energy, and does not see reality/consequences clearly, and is able to dehumanize others makes him extremely unreliable and impulsive and dangerous.
#// headcanon#am open to feedback#i'm still developing my thoughts#i just cannot stop thinking about this jerkass#(jerkass is really too nice a word)#long post cw
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
How it feels to not like timebomb after s2
#I'M NOT A HATER I SWEAR I ACTUALLY REALLY LIKE IT ON PAPER#i do however think that it came literally out of nowhere and was hella rushed and kinda ridiculous#like. if the argument is that original ekko fell in love with jinx it doesn't make sense because they were enemies for most of their lives#if the argument is that current ekko fell in love with au powder and now projects these feelings on jinx it's kinda uh. messed up#because she's a whole different person. entirely. it doesn't matter if both these version started out as a 9-year old powder. they had#extremely different lives and experiences and thinking that “there's still this kind of powder in jinx deep down” is straight-up awful#OR even if he didn't project his feelings for powder on jinx why would he love her in the current universe? last time they met she blew them#up and now she wants to commit suicide. there's literally no reason for him to have any kind of feelings except the slight friendly#affection that's left from all those years ago. and yet the show and most importantly the fandom treats them like a couple??? i don't get it#also it's kinda insane that s2 turned jinx and ekko into flat shipping material#again. obviously i have nothing against the shippers and do not condemn it in any way. i'm just expressing my thoughts on the matter#also what pisses me off the most. is how in ep9 jinx in fully painted with ekko's symbols here and there. has the bandage (?) on her chest#like vi. has a hood that looks like a drawing that isha made. and yet there's no fishbones or any reference to silco at all#i mean. i get it s2 hates him but i can't help it#they gave her all these relationships and pretended that they're significant to her and yet they didn't have any proper development#to really earn it#arcane critical#arcane season 2#anti timebomb#jinx arcane#ekko arcane
296 notes
·
View notes
Text
realizing i have. a lot of untapped trauma potential for clone^2 danny because i just Fully Processed Four Months Late the fact that his parents were capturing and torturing ghosts in the basement before he became Phantom. and the fact that he was on house rest for 2 weeks. during that time period. and he wasn't really leaving the house. he could hear their screaming through the floorboards
*points at clone danny* i can give you suuuuuuch a bad time babe ahaha. i've got two untouched years before you meet damian what fucks you up before then
#dpxdc#dp x dc#danny fenton is not the ghost king#dp x dc crossover#dpxdc crossover#dpdc#clone^2#danny fenton is a clone#like i dont even need to traumatize you worse the pure explorative options from this aLONE is enough to feed me for a week.#like. tucks hair behind ear let me shatter you into glass pieces then glue you back together babe. i can put you back together so good.#i'm missing a few shards because some parts of you broke into such small pieces i couldn't pick them back up again so you'll be missing a#few chunks of yourself that you'll never get back but that's okay. you'll still be a resemblance of your old self :]#don't let anakin (me) listen to late night sad songs he makes angst.#hhh imagine being stuck in a house for two weeks where you can hear your parents torturing ghosts in the basement and not only that but#you're the only person who can undERSTAND the ghosts. how many times did he see his parents drag in a ghost with whatever capturing device#they made recently? iirc the thermos was like. brand new in episode one right? but gOD the trauma this alone would cause#nobody touch me im cooking rn i need to think about how this would impact danny. like obvs it would fuel into a developing obsession to#keep his parents away from ghosts and to help the dead but what *else.* i need to refine my becoming phantom ficlet i wrote back in winter#raaa#and like even after two weeks they were *still capturing ghosts* danny just wasn't in the house 24/7 at the time.#*but those two fucking weeks man*#i need to sleep on this first before i make any major moves bc i know im tired but i am having thOUGHTs
198 notes
·
View notes
Text
To be honest with you, I don't think Wolfstar fandom is precisely Jily stans enemy, so the things I am reading in my dashboard right now are confusing. Like, obviously they are both "original" ships, but why so mad about Remus/Sirius having been there and with a very important fanbase since the beginning? And where's all this animosity against R/S stans coming from J/L ones? I'm looking at you in confusion.
#i've always thought there were kind of an agreement or at least understanding betweent both “sides”#as they clearly were developed as parallels#also considering wolfstar a “golden trio” ship is a bit confusing from my point of view because why how when#being antis and haters because of this is also a choice like facts are facts wolfstar is almost as old as me#(at least I can still say I'm older than wolfstar by a littler bit lol)#and well not it didn’t start in the 2010s that's just lying#no seriously why are you so mad#are you ok?#wolfstar#jily#about fandom#mwpp
67 notes
·
View notes
Text
I should be sleeping but I can't, I feel nervous tonight
But I'm gonna thank you for the birthday wishes, thanks a lot 🥺❤ I hope you guys have an amazing day as well ❤
#I'll vent in the tags a bit because it feels safer#to be honest with you i never thought i would get to 25#it feels so alien to me#never planned for future years#i always “joked” saying that i would never reach 25 and yet I'm still here#these past years have been hell#and the tough of actually ending it all is floating around in my head since 2019 ...#never acted on it because lucky I'm too scared#and despite everything I'm kinda glad i never acted upon it#even toh I'm tired and i feel empty inside#the little sparks of joy keeps me going#tomorrow I'll go out fr for the first time in MONTHS#I'm starting to develop a fear of going outside... I'm scared of people lol#but tomorrow will be fine#and I'll be fine even if it rains#sorry I'm just exposing myself here#idk it makes me feel better to just throw up my thoughts#better than just bottling up
33 notes
·
View notes
Text
New Age AU (An Order to Things)
Hello hello and welcome back! I... write the first part of this like a month ago and then came back and wrote the rest over the past few days! Ancha and I were talking about getting some perspective on the rest of the Castle while Night is still adjusting to his new body, so here we are! A little mash-up of what the Knights have been doing on a regular day only a little while in to Night being small!
no edits, no rereads, fuck it we ball!
(@ancha-aus @mutzelputz and @papiliovolens hello again! Hope you don't mind the random @ and as always if it gets annoying just lemee know and I'll cease hehe!)
Oh, and a bonus shout-out to Ancha because I would've completely fumbled an entire section here, but she recalled something from one of my many strange rambles and saved my life in the lore continuity department :]
“Is everyone here?” Dust’s voice was steady and cut through the chatter of the room.
Horror watched as heads turned to face Dust, where he stood at the ‘front’ of the room. The room was actually curved, a nice oval that allowed a long, round, bar-like table to curve along the outskirts and sit up to fifty people along its run. Across from where Dust was standing was the door. Where Dust stood now, well, that was usually where the King sat. They had shifted the ornate seat back and away for the time being, since no one thought it’d be right for Dust to sit in it. Even if he was filling in for Nightmare today.
Those seated, they were Nightmare’s council. Some seats had been barren since before Horror had arrived, a lot had been filled since then, Killer had told them that the population had seen a steep decline after he showed up. From what Horror had heard, it was probably for the best that it had been rebuilt almost from scratch. The council now was made up largely of common people. Monsters and Humans, each a representative from their own cities and townships who had both been chosen by their people and screened by the King himself. They weren’t proper or well-spoken sometimes, but they always seemed to have their people’s best interests at heart, so he figured the king didn’t mind it much. Actually, maybe their informal habits made them all the more appealing to him? Horror could never quite tell. Besides, he usually wasn’t present for these unless the farming representatives were present, and today they seemed woefully absent. Normally it would be Killer or Dust here where he was standing near the King’s seat. But, Killer was helping watch over the King while Ccino caught up on his own work, Cross was scheduled for training right now, and Dust was the one talking, so here he was.
“Good.” Dust spoke up again, very shortly, as the group quieted.
Horror noticed Dust had a booklet open on the table before him. Horror recognized the handwriting in the pages, even if he couldn’t read any of the words from such a distance. Those dizzying swirls were the familiar penmanship of their King. King Nightmare must have sent Dust with instructions, or maybe a list of topics to address.
“Our King will not join us today. I am here on his behalf. Trust me, news will return to him.” Dust explained briefly, and neither of them missed the way a few of the council looked between each other. Nightmare had been out of the public eye for almost a week and a half now. “Any questions?”
Dust’s eyelights traveled to his left, where a hand was raised barely into the air. A human sat there, Horror didn’t recognize them, but it seemed like Dust did. He gestured shortly to him and said, “Damien?” As a prompt to get the man speaking.
As Horror had learned, it was customary to stand when you spoke at these events. Everyone, aside from the King, had a cushioned stool which tended to be easier to raise out of and sit on again. The human, Damien, slipped backward off his stool and rose maybe an inch higher than he had been sitting.
“Sir Panther,” He addressed Dust with a slightly nervous voice, “We in the council are grateful for your presence and for listening to our pleas, but some of us present feel that the timing of our King’s absence poses a danger to some of our peoples.”
Damien shoved a strand of dark hair out of his eyes, tucking it behind his ear as he continued with a surprising amount of confidence for someone who seemed to be questioning their king. “While we trust his decisions, we find that our people are growing restless and weary without plans in place to rebuild our shelters. The last flood which passed through was not four days ago, and the letter arrived today more frantic than the last. Is there any hope that we may soon be graced by the King’s presence once again?” He watched Dust’s reaction as he still stood.
Dust, though, had a pokerface of steel. As long as Horror had known him he was always a closed book. Or, maybe more like he had a bottle, but broke the top of the cork off inside the opening, so nothing ever made it out. That was Dust. Horror couldn’t even blame him, with all he was dealing with it was impressive how neutral he could remain. Horror had no doubt this Damien man had no idea what it was Dust was thinking at the moment. Was he happy? Upset?
Before Dust could answer, another hand shot up, followed by a scrambling sound as this other figure, this one to the right, moved faster. This time, it was a monster Horror recognized vaguely, if only because he believed this was one of the few noble lines who got to stay after the ‘spring cleaning’ as Killer called it once. She was a bee monster, one who lived in the capital, but her family resided over some borderland city. She was younger and a lot quicker to speak.
“Mister Damien is underselling how dangerous the floods have become again, Sir Panther!” She hurriedly said. Across the room, Damien seemed to pale under the loud and shrill voice of this noble girl. Dust nodded to her, prompting a continuation of an explanation. “The floods rolled through my town too, though we had time to prepare thanks to their warnings so the damage was less severe. It sounds like, though, many houses were completely swept away, and among them were Mister Damien’s family home. He has two daughters, you know that? They ended up in my town when the water swept them there. That’s how I know.”
She seemed startled when Damien seemed to slump over his stool a bit, planting his hand on the seat as he looked to her.
“My little girls? They’re alright?” He asked out of turn, his voice different. A bit weaker.
The noble girl, was her name Marie? She nearly jumped forward as though she were going to close the gap across the room, her wings buzzing at her back. “Yes! Yes, they’re alright! My mother spotted them in our river and was able to scoop them up.” She replied almost excitedly, entirely blind to the sickly relief on Damien’s face. “Mother said they were very smart girls, they had a hold of a piece of wood and used it to float!”
The two seemed to silently revel in the news, Marie proud to have shared it, and Damien grateful to have heard it. Neither of them was taking in the looks of worry permeating their fellow councilmen, though those nearest to Damien did extend hands of support to his shoulders. Comfort.
“Mm. Good your family is safe.” Dust said, once again reminding the council of his presence. It had so quickly been forgotten in the exchange of information and startling news.
Damien seemed to jolt at that, and he quickly made a bow towards Dust with a quiet, ‘Thank you, my Knight. Sorry, my Knight.’ escaping his chest in quick succession.
“Glad you brought that up. The King isn’t sure when he’ll be back here.” He paused a second, “Sent me with a list of announcements. One was for your cities, got word same time as you.” Dust raised the little booklet off the table before him then. The leather cover, though Horror couldn’t see it he knew what it looked like, had the kingdom’s crest pressed into its surface. Dust didn’t glance at the pages, though. Just showed it off for a few breaths. “Said he’s sending out a contracting team. Capital’s best. They’ll be headed out and nightfall to Peechrey first. Build some drainage. Then rebuild the buildings. Move onto Pinoc after or split sooner, depending on resources. Time.” He debriefed.
Damien and Marie were still standing, their discussion was seemingly not over. Questions unanswered.
“I- I am grateful that our King has already prepared, it was foolish of me to assume, yet…” He took a breath, maybe trying to put together a thought. “Drainage? Should the repairs not occur first? What of those with no home?”
Valid question. If Horror were in this guy’s shoes, he’d probably be asking the same exact things. Dust seemed unbothered by the extra questioning and simply nodded along.
“Would, but it’s flood season. King said drainage first so repairs’ll stay sturdy. Just one fix instead of twenty.” Dust explained with a little shrug. “Those without houses? Take them in. Neighbors help neighbors, till we fix the big issues. Least we can ask.” The way Dust said it wasn’t forceful, or mean-spirited, yet it seemed to make Damien stand down.
“I… Understand, my Knight.” He said briefly.
It seemed he was about to sit when a hand raised from beside Marie. A human woman, one which Horror did fully recognize. Chase. She was one of the people who Crop had introduced him to during the call-outs for farmers willing to experiment with farming methods. That had been Horror’s first big project at the King’s side, and it had been going well so far. Slow, but well.
“My Knight, if I may offer.” She received a nod of approval from Dust. “My village is small, an’ about an hour’s ride by horse to yours, but my people live on a plateau and would be more than willing to house any of yours who might need a place to stay for a time. We’d just ask for an extra hand with the harvest when time comes around.” She suggested, looking to Damien for an answer.
Damien looked right back at her for a few breaths, a little stunned. Horror had found, unlike many of these people, that the farmers who he and Crop had managed to gather for the experimental farming? They were good people from tight-knit communities. Visiting their small villages and farms reminded him much of home each time. Keeping crops and animals requires a lot of fortitude, wit, and compassion. More than anyone gave them credit for, usually. In moments of crisis, if he couldn’t be here with his family, he would choose a farming village over all else. …It seemed like Chase was living up to the high praise Horror hadn’t even realize he’d assigned to her years ago.
“A-are you certain that is all you would ask in return? I fear that Miss Marie was correct in stating that the damages are far worse than I first described. We have at least fifty, perhaps more, who would be needing shelter and resources. We cannot push that upon your people for only a favor of labor.” Damien seemed like he was taking the cautious route.
Horror couldn’t necessarily blame him, he wouldn’t want to be the reason his town was indebted either. Though, he did have half a mind to defend his colleague. She wouldn’t offer something like that if she and her folks couldn’t handle it.
“ ‘Course that’s all I’d ask! We got plenty of space, as long as a few of your folks wouldn’t mind taking turns in the lofts. Plus the food shouldn’t be an issue. We mostly export the extra we don’t need to other towns for trade, but there should be enough surplus to feed that many extra mouths.” Chase belted those words with a pride that Horror had seen on many of the farmers lately. Her chest puffed a bit as she placed her hands on her hips. “Plus, don’t hurt that we’ve got the Knights here listenin’ to us make the deal. If I tried anything tricky with it I know Sir Lion over there wouldn’t let me weasel my way out of it!”
Chase nodded her head in Horror’s direction. He didn’t expect for any eyes to turn to him during this meeting beyond the nervous glances every once in a while. He figured it must’ve been shocking to see him here the first time, and it probably hadn’t gotten much easier for them since. He found himself, regrettably, making direct eye-contact with Damien. The man looked frazzled still. Like he was regretting bringing up the topic at all.
“Mm. She’s right.” He agreed, hoping it sounded half as light-hearted as he’d meant as it echoed from under his mask. “It’s… also a fair trade. Harvest season gets…” He lifted a hand a bit, searching for the words he was looking for. “Busy. Messy, when there are too many fields to harvest and not… not enough skilled hands to pick. Risk losing a lot of crop to…” Again he paused, but for a shorter span. “Over-ripening. Or drying out. Been trying to find a good way to gather it all for a few seasons now, right?” Horror finally broke his stare with Damien to glance over to Chase.
She seemed to be beaming from over where she stood. She ran a hand through her short-cropped black hair with a slight laugh.
“Exactly, My Knight! So, not entirely an unselfish offer, but we scratch your back, you scratch ours! It’d do us a big favor seein’ if getting more hands to help would really gather it all or if we’re gonna need to downscale.” She went between the two, though after looking to Horror again, she seemed to realize that the both of them had gone off-topic from the point of the question. The farming meeting was set for about a month from now, this was the civilian-based meeting. They could save shop talk for then.
In her resounding silence, eyes all turned. Not to Damien, but to Dust. Normally it’d be Nightmare making this choice, of course, but instead? Today it was him.
He seemed to look at the parties in question. He was calm. At some point he’d opened the little journal, but kept it flat on the desk away from any prying eyes of the council. He seemed to consult it shortly, and the room’s silence spanned on for nearly a minute as he seemed to debate silently with his thoughts.
Then.
“Since the offer is made, it falls in guidelines for aide. The King trusts all of the council, but Chase still needs to draft a contract.” He finally announced. “Movement can begin if Damien agrees. Sign the paper later. After the King looks it over.” He said with hardly a moment more of hesitation.
Damien’s mouth was agape for a moment, before he nodded.
“I- Yes. Thank you My Knight, Miss Chase, Miss Marie. I will agree to your offer to aide, and we will discuss the specifics after the meeting adjourns.” He finally decided.
Chase seemed thrilled. The woman was surely happy to have a whole new town’s-worth of new able-bodied souls to help her manage her crops, even if it was just for the harvest for one season. Horror and her both knew that this would put her ahead of schedule from the other farms by a bit. More progress did mean more attention from him and Crop, more notoriety for their village, and more trade incoming and outgoing. Plus, Chase was the kind of woman who insisted a little bit of manual labor was healthy for the soul. She was already getting her hands on that parchment used by all the council members to plead their cases to be reviewed by the King.
When all was quieted and both Damien and Marie also seemed to have begin writing, though theirs were on regular paper (letters maybe?), Dust allowed a moment of quiet before he reintroduced their topic for the day. And… was immediately interrupted by another raised hand from a new corner of the meeting room.
.
“How… do you do it?” Horror asked quietly, lifting his axe from the sling along his back.
Dust glanced at him. Horror could tell, the tilt of his chin meant he wasn’t following.
“I mean. Talk in front of all those people. Think of good answers to their questions so quick. You’re so calm.” He clarified.
“Mm.” Was all Dust said for a second.
They’d been out of the council meeting for a few hours now. Dust had rushed off post-meeting to see Nightmare. As much as they all knew Dust was the king of paperwork, especially contracts, Nightmare had made him promise to let him at least read over each one so his stamp was proper. (They all knew that meant he’d take the fall if anything went wrong for either party, too.) So, despite their King being so tired and busy with his whole… being a teenager thing? He was still triple-checking legal documents in his study.
When that was finished Dust had gone off to check the stables and now he was back inside. In the training room, to be more specific. He’d been trying to make sure his magic was under control. His storm. Horror figured he was nervous, with Nightmare being so young now. They all needed to be on their toes. Horror had wanted to come with him, because he needed to sharpen and polish his axe. And ask him that question.
“Black Market boss.” He replied evenly, tugging his hood over his head a bit farther than it usually sat.
Of course Horror knew about that. It had been very obvious when he’d first showed up. Back then, Dust was still wandering around in his shackles and being used as a walking map to find every black market location. Sure, he figured that the stress of a job like that, plus the paperwork involved, had to have prepared him for something like this, but… Horror was the last one to forget that past of his. He meant something else.
“Didn’t mean that.” He said with a little huff. “Meant. Like. You think how the King would. I could… make choices that I liked. But. Not the same way Nightmare would. You know? You think of everything.” He elaborated a bit more.
Dust stood beside him as he plopped down onto one of the benches to the side of the training room. Dust would need all the floor space to practice his spells, and sharpening and cleaning his monster of an axe didn’t need much space at all.
“Same morals?” He replied deadpan with a shrug.
Dust was already moving out onto the big open floor to begin his summons, but he clearly heard it as Horror let out a laugh, because his steps got a bit lighter.
“You ass! I saw you send me a look about the Cherris rep. You wouldn’t have… said yes to her on your own.” He accused, almost playfully. He liked when his small friend set his shoulders. It meant he was trying not to laugh about something. Dust didn’t turn towards him.
“She asked for… a lot. Already gets a lot of support.” He replied shortly.
Quickly after his words, Horror was graced with the vision of Dust’s magic igniting across the room.
It was always in bright flashes. Sometimes manifesting as crooked, broken, brittle bone attacks with an electric taste in the air and a scorch mark left on the floor. Others, it showed up like a streak of lightning arching quickly from Dust’s fingertips or from the sky to strike wildly in any direction. It always had this deadly purple hue to it, and his one eyelight always flashed with vibrant colors just for a spilt second before it would fade back to that pale white/greyish color he sported normally.
Dust didn’t like to talk when he was fighting or training, unless it was Killer. It seemed that would be his answer for now, which didn’t really help his curiosity in the slightest. It almost made him wonder more, but lucky for the both of them, he wasn’t a very pushy person. If Dust didn’t want to talk about it, there would be no talking.
So, Horror took this time, with the ambient zapping noises of his fellow Knight’s magic as his soundtrack, to properly care for his axe. It was a nice, calming, repetitive task that helped chase away building headaches and distract him from worrisome thoughts. It was times like these when he could really take a moment to think about things he hasn’t in a while. Like, for instance, his family back home.
Almost two weeks ago, only days before the King’s reverse-ascension, he’d gotten a letter from his mother. It was written in their foreign tongue, the only writing all the family could recognize and the only language which most of them spoke. It had detailed how his brother was doing well, managing their own experimental patches well and how his studies to learn more of Orchan, the dialect spoken by the people here, had been going by quickly. He was already planning to send a letter to him apparently. Though, his mother had insisted he not mention that when they meet again because it was meant to be a surprise. It also sounded like their old farm dog had finally had her last litter of puppies. They were going to move her into someone’s house and off the fields soon, once this batch of pups grew old enough to protect the livestock on their own. Horror knew how much that old dog deserved a nice retirement treat. Warm bed and shoes to chew on when she’d get bored.
He ran a cloth along the broadside of the axe blade, away from the sharp bits for now. He liked getting the side shiny enough that he could spot a silhouette, but not enough that he could see his own reflection.
…Honestly, he wanted to visit his family. He wanted to visit his family with the King in tow, though. The plan had been to ask him about another visit soon, because his entire village adored the King just like he did. His mother once swooned to him about how ‘awkward and kind’ the King was when he sat with everyone at dinner. His dad liked the way Nightmare tried to hold back his joy at the taste of their home-cooked meal they’d served to him. The King’s poker face had hardly broken for a moment, but the curling of those tendrils of his had been hard to miss.
He just thought it’d be nice to bring Nightmare along. Plus, then, his family would be much less likely to try and baby him. He’d be on the clock as a guard, even if the King wouldn’t say so.
It would have to happen another time, though. Maybe he’d invite Crop instead. Have him examine ground zero for this entire project of theirs? That’d be nice, it’d keep his family occupied by talking technicalities with Crop… but then Horror wouldn’t get nearly enough time with Crop all to himself… Maybe-
“Worried for him.”
Dust’s voice snapped Horror out of his thoughts with a jolt.
Dust stared at him, only a little apologetic at giving his large friend a heart-attack. He was stood right past Horror’s axe. He must’ve stopped polishing a while ago. Dust looked like he’d worked up a sweat, the room felt at least 10 degrees warmer, and the floor and some walls had distinct scorch marks all along the stone in various locations. How long ago had Dust stopped training? He hadn’t even heard the zapping end, so lost in his own head.
“What?” Horror asked, confused now.
Dust frowned slightly, though he tugged his mask back over his mouth.
“Been learning his process for years. Only doing it now because I’m worried.” He said.
He moved to sit beside Horror on the bench, and Horror twisted to look at him. Waiting for any more insight into Dust’s thought process.
“He looks tired. Can see the bags under his eyes. Missing words too. Trouble focusing, looks confused sometimes.” He explained. “Don’t think he’s dumb, real genius kid. Just… the whole “13 year old brain” is getting to him. Don’t think he’s sleeping much either. It’s a lot.”
Dust looked a little pained to be saying it outloud. Horror knew he was just speaking his mind. Trying to find a good way to say that he was rightfully worried for the King’s wellbeing.
Ever since the incident, Horror hadn’t been around the King much. Not by choice of course, every bone in his body wished he could just wrap his young employer up in his arms and make him go out to the courtyard to play catch, just like he used to do with his older cousins as a kid. It just… it just made sense for him to remain vigilant and focused. Ccino and Killer and Dust seemed to have things covered with the King’s personal interactions. Horror and Cross had just been tasked with keeping face and continuing training best they could. Nightmare hadn’t even been coming to supervise trainings. So, Horror could barely say anything to Dust’s description.
The only thing Horror knew was that Dust wasn’t one to worry unneededly. Like, when he and the King returned with that Mage. Error? He’d seemed worried about the kid, but after a few days he relaxed again, because it was safe and that kid seemed genuinely happy. If Dust thought something was up with the King, Horror would believe him without doubt.
“Mm. Good thing. You learned, I mean.” Horror replied carefully. “Probably a lot like…” Hmm, maybe he didn’t want to say that out loud. Would that be rude?
A beat of silence passed between them.
“Yeah.” Dust just said quietly.
Of course Dust knew what he was about to say. Comparing the King’s rewind to his own skull injury. Granted, his happened when he was a kid, but even now it made things harder. Harder to think, to remember, to see, to process things. He’s had time to get used to it though. Nightmare was just hit by similar issues so suddenly, and no physical wound to soothe either. Their king was smart and prepared. Horror could bet he didn’t want to lose that feeling. To lose… everything he’d been doing here. Just like that.
“Don’t want to, though.” Dust’s voice was still quiet and even.
Horror tilted his head at him curiously.
“Talk. In front of others.” He clarified with a shrug. “Was nice being a Knight. Quiet before. …But I want to help. King’s too young to act alone.”
Dust sighed after those words.
They all could have said the same things about themselves in the past. Horror remembers the first time Dust discussed his early days out on the streets. He was too young to put himself into those situations. Then again, Killer had been too young for any of the shit he was put through. Same with what he heard from Cross. Even he shouldn’t have really been the sole communicator for his entire family in his youth. There had been a few close encounters in those early years thanks to angry customers.
There was no time to really think back on it, though. In the moment now, Dust was right. The King was having that crisis in real time. They all needed to face the music and help take on some of the weight, especially after all Nightmare had done for them. Was still doing for them.
“Think there’s… something I can do? To help you with the meetings?” He paused, and Dust didn’t say anything so he continued. “Or help the King?”
He hadn’t exactly been doing much. Killer and Dust had taken on most of the responsibility, and Ccino… that poor guy, Horror wasn’t sure how he was managing everything he was. Killer gave them a breakdown once of all the shit he technically oversees as the ‘Head of House’ and stars was it way too much. And Cross was still a rookie, so he got why Nightmare hadn’t assigned any big stressors to him. Horror was capable though, and he hoped the King wasn’t-
“Next few weeks. He can’t meet the farms. I dunno how he runs those meetings.” Dust once again sliced through his thoughts with his even tone. “ ‘sides. You stayed, didn’t do your missions. Watching out for Cross. Think Night likes having us close. Already helping a lot.”
Right. When Dust says it like that, it made his whole lot of nothing sound like everything. Sometimes he forgot Dust was an older brother. Horror chuckled a bit, and he could’ve sworn Dust’s cheekbones rose ever so slightly with the twitch of a hidden grin. He should’ve known better anyhow, Dust always knew just the right information. It was why Night hired him in the first place.
“You’re doin’ well. Keeping things moving smooth. I’m sure the King appreciates it.” Horror voiced, before he sighed and hoisted himself to his feet. His axe was definitely done. He’d sharpen it another day. “Maybe,” A grin appeared on his face. “When he’s better, we can assign Kills to talk instead.”
In hardly a moment, a silent moment, Dust was at his side now standing. He raised a doubtful brow at the suggestion.
.
What is he doing? What is he doing?
Oh, this felt so, so odd! He wasn’t- he shouldn’t! Well, he was ordered to, but still! He-
“Cross?”
Cross jolted as he looked up from where he had made a poor attempt at excusing himself from the group outside. He’d insisted he had important business, he was sure he sounded convincing… until he’d walked through the nearest door. Which happened to be one of the weapon storage closets out amidst the training grounds.
Now, as he turned to face the person who had spoken, he found that there was someone standing in the doorway. A familiar someone. A human with an impressive beard and dark tanned skin and scars tracing across his cheekbones ever so faintly and kind eyes with a few wrinkles under them. From age or stress, Cross wasn’t entirely sure.
This was Captain Rogers. The King’s first in command who watched over all the royal guard as well as castle security. The man who had personally guided the batch of recruits which Cross had snuck in with during his spying mission hardly two years prior. The man who, he had swiftly learned, had seen through him very quickly and had purposely placed him with Shep as his guide. That damn liar. Captain Rogers was sharp, and skilled, and trustworthy.
As far as he knew, the Captain had been around longer than Killer. At least, that’s what Killer had told him when he asked. He also had mentioned, and Cross had noticed, he was friends with the Head of House. Cross guessed that made sense. The captain had ensured Ccino be introduced as an important person within the castle very early on in their work here, and he had been proven very very right.
Maybe it was that reputation Cross had seen true with his own two eyes during his stay that led him to not ask the Captain to leave as he eased his way into the weapons storage and gently closed the door behind him. He wasn’t a threat. Especially if the King trusted him with Ccino. He could know that much.
“I’m not looking to disturb your business here, but I wanted to see if I could be of any assistance.” The Captain offered loosely.
He’d been kind since Cross was pardoned by the King and allowed to train. His first few weeks when he fought against the Captain’s own soldiers? He and the King had both been patient with him. Something about being in combat like that again… it had brought out the worst in him. An old wound reopening in his chest like an empty chasm. He was pretty sure the King never explained to the Captain why they would suddenly stop mid-round, but Cross figured he could see the change as well as Nightmare could feel it. They’d only kept that up a few weeks until he was deemed too high of a skill level to continue training with the soldiers. He’d been moved to private training with the Knights not much later than that. Only saw the Captain in passing ever since.
If nothing else, that time under his guidance had taught Cross that he was a man who knew how to speak with others. With security for himself and what he does, a pride in his work. He didn’t act maliciously. Perhaps only in jest or retribution to those who deserved it. He wouldn’t follow Cross in here if he hadn’t noticed him acting weird.
That mortified him.
“Thank you. For the- for the offer, Captain Rogers.” Cross replied hurriedly, realizing he’d already been staring for a period of time that felt too long. “Though I’m not sure there’s anything that can be helped.”
The Captain was silent for a few breaths, but he did wander deeper into the shed to join Cross before the stand which he had decided to stop at in his rush to get out from the scrutinous eyes of the soldiers out there. He turned away. He could easily see the reflection of the Captain on the steel surfaces of the longswords he’d stationed himself in front of. Of course he’d stopped near the long swords. He was so predictable.
“I’m not so sure about that, kid. I’ve seen time again how the helpless can be helped in these recent years.” He said quietly. Part of Cross knew that, with their ranking, in some ways they were meant to be equals. It never seemed that way, though. Maybe that was why Cross’ nerves were on fire. “So if I can help, I’d like to offer it to you.”
Yeah. From what Cross had seen of the people in this castle in these two years, it made sense to him now more than ever that Nightmare would keep people like the Captain around for so long.
Wait…
“Have you… spoken with our King recently?” Cross had to know.
After all, he hardly saw Nightmare interact with his own soldiers. He devoted much time into his Knights, but those in lower rank hardly saw him. He didn’t seem to know their names as well as he did the servants. Did he leave all business up to the Captain for the sake of trust? Was there something he had been missing?
He saw as the Captain glanced towards the closed door, and his eyes skimmed the rack of weapons. Checking for any signs of life in the reflection. His eyes only landed on Cross, staring right back at him in the shining steel.
“Not directly, no. Though I have heard word from Ccino as to how he is fairing. Seen him pass by in the night a few times. He seems to be doing well, considering it all.” He voiced, his voice almost dropping to an inaudible whisper. Cross had to stop breathing to be able to hear him. “I know you see him regularly. I’m glad for that.”
Cross nodded, mostly to himself. Yes, he figured that the Captain would know. Why else would he agree to let Cross back out among his men so easily? The King was in danger if he didn’t train these monsters.
He took a slight breath from the silence, drinking in the scent of cleaners and musty wood.
“I wish Killer was in charge of this…” He muttered to himself, dragging his hand up to his skull to place pressure to his sockets with the heel of his palms.
And he nearly jumped when the Captain let a laugh fall from his mouth. It was subdued, but hardy enough Cross practically felt it bounce around in his ribcage alongside his racing soul.
“You truly believe Sir Killer would have better luck with something like this?” The Captain questioned, a slight smile still present after his raucous laugh had scared Cross to the bone. “No ill will, of course. Just… think on it. Truly.”
Cross, part of him, felt an indignation on Killer’s behalf. For a moment he wondered if the Captain was being rude towards the Knight. The oldest of them, the most skilled, the one who stood at King Nightmare’s side. Though it only took half a second for him to recall. No, he was actually right. He couldn’t picture Killer out there on the training grounds, trying to teach swaths of people at a time. To dodge, too. Killer was a very aggressive fighter and only fled when he truly needed to. Even then, most of that work belonged to his beloved steed Granite. Killer was not the type to teach fighting lessons to a crowd.
Though, he wondered how the Captain had come to a conclusion like that. Cross had heard that Nightmare had sparred with the Captain before. Only a few times, not even close to the kind of intense training which the Knights had to go through. That he had been training. Before Night’s change, of course. From what he’d been told. The Captain had only lasted hardly a minute. One, very impressive, minute, but still. There was no way he’d ever sparred against Killer.
“No… You are right, Killer wouldn’t be the best option here.” He admitted. “Though I get the feeling that one of the Knights would be a better fit for this sort of training…”
Of course, it went unsaid in the silence which followed that, well, the other Knights were too busy to do something like this. Dust was leading every meeting Nightmare had scheduled, and planned to continue for as long as he was needed. Killer was busy staying by the King’s side and taking on the King’s usual commoner communications. Figuring out what little issues were good to be dealt with how. As well as ‘cleaning out’ the dungeon. Cross was pretty sure they didn’t keep as many criminals as they had in the past, even when Cross was among the cells those two years ago it hadn’t been very crowded. He had a feeling that the more dangerous and violent of those below the castle had been swiftly dealt with by Killer’s blade. Horror he was pretty sure was preparing. The two of them had spent a lot of time by each other’s sides those first few days, when the King was asleep or waking for only short periods before returning to sleep. After, though, Horror received his orders to cancel his missions and prepare for the upcoming harvests which would need to be guided and recorded over the fall. Cross… Cross had only been asked to continue his training with Horror when their schedules fell in line, and to work with Killer to settle any local matters.
He didn’t mind it so far, there had been very little to do, though. He worried he’d been sidelined. Sent to do the unimportant tasks because he wasn’t capable enough. Nightmare had smiled at him, but he seemed distressed. Cross was too, then.
There was no way the King had chosen him to do something like this. Teach others. He couldn’t do that.
“Well, it is a shame that you think like that. You were recommended to me for this training, you know?” The Captain crossed his arms. “By several someones, actually. Training the soldiers may have been my idea, but you were who many pointed to when I asked for assistance.”
Cross blinked at those words in confusion.
Who could have possibly suggested he do something like this?
“I find that hard to believe.” He said. He’d meant it to sound a bit more joking, but it looked like it’d come out more genuine. The Captain furrowed his brow in response, and Cross attempted to backpedal, raising his hands a little. “I mean! Kidding! Just kidding!” Though his awkward chuckle obviously wasn’t contagious.
“Look, Cross.” He huffed after those words. “If you really don’t want to do this, I can always ask for a hand from someone else. I bet Horror would do it in your stead if we reached out to him.” He offered.
Was- was the Captain really just going to let him slip away from this? He was kind. Incredibly so.
He wondered how it would feel to just accept. Hand off the stressful duty to Horror. Horror knew these people better anyhow, they had trained early on before Nightmare decided to offer him a position as Knight. Horror still spoke with most of them regularly. Cross, on the other hand, evaded eye contact like a kicked puppy. It would be so easy to just let Horror take over before he had to do his meeting things for the harvest season. It would be so convenient. So easy.
“No. I’ll do it.” He said quickly.
The Captain raised a brow, but Cross was already moving past him. Towards the door.
“Sudden change of heart?” The Captain questioned from behind him.
Cross took a deep inhale. One to center himself as he outstretched his hand and placed it on the knob leading back outside.
“I don’t think I’m any good at leading or teaching, thinking on it makes me sick to my stomach… but the idea of making the others take on another responsibility is ten times worse.” He practically spat.
No, he was not happy about this. He shoved open the door to the shed and drew his sword as he walked back towards the warm-up field where the soldiers had occupied themselves by whacking dummies with their weapons. He wanted nothing more than to turn away, out of the beating sun and watchful gazes of these people who he once hid among. He couldn’t though. Not when everyone else had some way to help. If this was Cross’ new duty, he’d do it with all the confidence he could muster.
… Besides. They were training for fast-reaction magic attacks. He was literally the only choice for this. He’d just have to make his own training regime this time around. He could do this.
.
Killer had done a lot of odd jobs in his past. Most of them involved stealing. Or threatening. Or killing. He had to get his name from somewhere, after all. Even so, running into town to pick up Ccino’s fabric order hadn’t been something he’d ever expected to be on his resume.
The King was having one of his rough days. Killer hadn’t often been able to see them first-hand back in the day, but he knew they were very much there. The days he would lock himself away in his study, the Head of House the only one allowed to enter, bringing with him a cup of tea or a platter of small snacks. Staying inside for hours at a time on occasion. Killer had often guarded the door if nothing else, but the walls were thick. He couldn’t often hear the low murmuring voices within.
Now, that the King was miniscule, Killer had been allowed to spend more time around both the King in his private spaces, as well as around Ccino. He was grateful for both opportunities. Though, today the King had looked exhausted. He’d been up for a few days trying to make that magic spell he found work, to make his eye cyan again. He wasn’t saying anything, but Killer figured it was draining his magic more than he wanted to admit. And earlier, when Dust came to deliver those reports from the meeting, Ccino had asked the two of them to stay for a while so he could collect a delivery. Only… Nightmare nearly flung himself out of his seat when he heard Ccino suggest he was leaving. The King didn’t outright say anything, but all of them knew those wide sockets were pleading. A silent beg to stay. Which was quickly followed by stray tears that he hastily noticed and covered with his sleeves.
Emotions. He hadn’t thought the King had been such a crybaby before. Maybe he hadn’t been. Killer couldn’t blame him though. If he had to go back to being 13, with the awareness of his 13 year old self? Yeah. No. He’s pretty sure he wouldn’t make it a day. It was just that he was a crying a lot. The slightest little things would make his sockets well with tears, and then he’d try to insist he was okay and didn’t need help. Even when he would still bury into Ccino’s arms the moment they came in contact.
That was what had happened. Ccino returned to the King’s side, and the King immediately clung to him, muttering apologies. Insisting he go out anyways. What he reacted poorly and should be able to handle himself.
Killer had looked to Dust, and Dust had just nodded at him.
“I’ll go get the order.” Killer had offered stupidly, a little too eagerly, into the open air.
Both Nightmare and Ccino had seemed startled, but when he promised he wanted to run into town anyways (he hadn’t) they relented and Ccino gave him the details. Dust offered wordlessly to stay and watch over the King and head of House in Killer’s absense. He knew Killer all too well. He’d have to thank him with a drink sometime.
Those tears. They just made him uncomfortable. He wasn’t good with emotions, especially not sadness. He doesn’t know quite how to fix crying. It’s not his thing.
It just made sense for Ccino to stay and Dust to watch over them. His big brother senses must’ve been strong today, and his patience plentiful.
He’s run to the shop, of course. A tailor shop owned by a pretty skeleton just off from the capital square. He hadn’t seemed excited to see Killer, even with that mask. A nervous energy rolling off his shoulders as he reluctantly gathered items from behind the desk and packed them carefully into the bag which Ccino had sent him with to carry the items. He’d asked about Ccino. Whether he was okay. Killer had just told him that Ccino was busy so he was running errands. They hadn’t had much more to say beyond that.
Now, he was back in the castle, ready to present Ccino with his prize, and see if the King had been able to calm down at all.
“My lord?” He called out as he opened the door to the study with an easy swing of wood on heavy hinges. Slipping inside was no problem, but he’d be stupid to deny that he was confused when he didn’t spot the little monarch sitting behind his too-big wooden desk piled high with paperwork.
“Killer,” He sure knew that voice! His head swiveled until his vision fell to Ccino, sitting on one of the couches. Dust was nowhere in sight. “Perfect timing. Dust just left to meet with Horror to train… How was your trip to town?”
Ccino, polite and reserved as always. It made Killer’s gut twist just a little. At the distance. His soul certainly wriggled in place as he made his approach, bag clutched by one hand at his side.
“Not bad. Could’ve done with a little more action!” He joked, though as he got closer, he lowered his voice and the laugh trying to come to him simmered back into his cheshire grin. “Your little friend from the shop asked about you.”
As Killer rounded the largest couch to stand just across the low table from Ccino, he noticed what he hadn’t prior. The King was curled up with his back to killer, arms loosely hugging to Ccino’s middle, his face buried against Ccino’s apron. A blanket normally tossed over the back of the few chairs within the room was covering him, and someone had tucked him in tight, like a bug in a rug. Even more charmingly, one of the cats took up the rest of the space on Ccino’s lap. That little calico, Princess. Her back was pressed to the back of Nightmare’s skull and she seemed perfectly content to roll up into a perfect little bun on her master’s lap.
And despite the adorable scene, Killer didn’t miss how Ccino seemed to perk up at the mention of his friend. So they were friends, then.
“What did you tell him?” Ccino asked, his voice quiet. One of his hands was settled gently atop Nightmare’s side, the other was free and tucked by his side.
Killer chuckled quietly, sitting on the opposite couch as he plopped his delivery silently to the table before Ccino.
“Nothing bad. Told him you were busy so I was out on a grocery run. Everyone knows you’re a very busy man.” He teased. Was it okay to tease him right now? Was Ccino going to be mad with him?
Well, if he was, he didn’t seem to say anything about it. Instead , he peered at the bag, then smiled a bit.
“Well, thank you for running out, my Knight.” He returned, eyelights shifting back down to his charge who rested in the comfort and safety of his lap. …Killer had to admit to himself that he was a bit jealous. “When I have the chance, I plan to visit our tailor and ensure that our King has a wider wardrobe, since it seems he truly won’t be returning to his previous form anytime soon.”
Right. They were still trying to keep everything under wraps, so Ccino couldn’t just send a servant with measurements to see the seamstress halfway across castle grounds. He probably had to go himself. Especially because, as Killer had quickly learned, Nightmare is particular about things. The texture of his meals, the feeling of his clothes, even the temperature of his sheets in the night or the brightness of a candle. Though, he rarely voices his discomfort. Ccino was just a master of noticing the little ways the small King would squirm or tug at his top or squint at a candle just a bit too strong for his newly sensitive eyes. He wanted to learn how to do that so well.
His only good news on that front was that Nightmare still made a lot of the same gestures as before. His little, silent commands to Killer. At ease, be alert, with me. He was fond of still being familiar with their own little secret code they’d unintentionally invented over the years.
“It really wasn’t a big deal. Besides, our little Lord said that it’d be better for the city to see the knights are still active, right? With Dust and Horror out of commission for day-trips, I’ve gotta pick up the slack!” he joked, leaning back comfortably into the couch and sighing. “Next time you need a break, we can always try and ask him to supervise a training for us. Maybe it’d make him feel a little better?” he suggested,
Nightmare, small as he was now, still couldn’t deny a duty which called for him. Especially, Killer assumed, from his Knights. A little of that old normality would probably be good for him. Make him feel like not much had changed. Even though… it definitely had.
Ccino smiled a bit at that idea, his hand gently petting Nightmare’s ar. His chest rose up and down ever so gently.
“He cherishes training with all of you so dearly. Maybe he would enjoy a small break from all of these worries.” He agreed quietly.
#new age au#I... honestly had no idea what I was doing here for most of this haha#I knew I wanted to show Dust and how he's developed since arriving (He has complex feelings about having to come up with solutions to peopl#and their problems as well as be standing in the spotlight) and Horror and how he feels a bit adrift but how he'll manage just fine.#Then ofc Cross is having his own little crisis (he does NOT want to be working with these people. He's not a full Knight but he's in a#weird between rank that makes him the same level as the Captain but he's still just another recruit so he feels weird teaching the actual#soldiers? And I've also decided that Cross had a bit of time to train w/ the normal guard after his release (Horror started his training#with them too) but he started to fall into an old pattern he used to get when training w/ X-Gaster. And that got. Spooky. So now he feels#like an outcast and that he isn't qualified to teach these guys anything!) but luckily Rogers is cool.#He was there when Cross was a rookie#even if he was a fake one. And he sees potential and can tell that Cross is a sweet kid (Ccino has high-praise for him too.) so#he comes to his aid! And. Well. he manages to get Cross to talk himself in a circle about it at the very least! He was planning a pep talk#but... eh. it worked out!#Then Killer! He just needs a little fun outing since Cross gave some insight into what else he's been up to. Plus it sets up future events.#(Lust and Cross meeting? Killer not being able to handle a sick and delirious emotional night? Y'know?)#And... yeah! Just a lot of stuff I kinda piled in lol- I'm sure each of these could get a little drabble of their own but i liked compiling#them like this! Plus it made me feel less bad about it only being a glimpse rather than a full scene lol.#Okay!!! Okay. My final statement is that I fell asleep mid-type and woke myself up#fully just because in my hazy dream darkness I thought 'I need to post that drabble' and then snapped awake because i hadn't finished it#lmao-#So!!! Good night!!!#Oh also. Actually my last thing: Yes I did revisit Change in Management because I needed to remember Rogers as a character lmao.#I hope I caught him right? I love Ancha's depictions of him sm and I was very afraid I'd make him sound stale lmao-#OKAY I"M DONE. NIGHT!
22 notes
·
View notes
Text
There is a woodpecker hammering at the side of the house and it's a bold take for 10:30 am, bird.
#my brain is so Off its soaked in goop.#I also really fucking need to stop waking up at 1am and staying awake until 5. my friend joked I have such a dedication to the bronze age#I became biphasic and I'm worried its true lol. At least I got some reading done last night though.#Did you know they hunted elephants in Babylonia? That was cool to learn. Also that there was a family of scribes in southern Mesopotamia#who were dedicated to preserving and maintaining Akkadian/Sumerian culture that they were still inscribing tablets into the#100BC and that <333 I want to write about them. That really stuck with me.#Instead I have to do the same colloquial thing with my actual real live thesis lit review. 0/10. Scared.#High-key I also need to do rp responses and belarus is poking me to respond to dms. About 2 seconds from dropping my guy#I also have the liztlie au revolving more.. Maybe if I take two weeks after the end of classes I could switch off my brain and try to finis#I'm so close! But if I get selected to go to Turkey I'm going to have to defend and submit by mid-July.#And this is all on top of NOT HAVING ANY FUCKING DATA FOR THE COLUMN.#which is not MY fault its the development of a method and I need to... idk man. Idk. figure something out myself probably even tho#it's the other team's problem. Or switch my thesis around which is probably best even if my advisor is not in on it because#Why Would My Advisor Be Here? You Thought My Advisor Would Be Here? You Are Sadly Mistaken.#Highkey there needs to be a support group for people who's advisors are out. I'm grateful she trusts me to keep my head#above water for a month as I'm writing this fucking thing but also I feel abandoned and in distress.
21 notes
·
View notes
Text
reading two fics in a row where it had an emotional moment of "ford thought of all the times he called stanley by the childhood nickname "lee" 🥺" and my brain as always went "never. he never calls him that. why is this everywhere. why is fanon like this."
#being actually super annoyed at this hc cos i know some people genuinely thought it was canon cos how frequently it shows up in fanworks#kinda hilarious tho cos i had an indifferent phase like two months ago so i missed my window to read all those fics without being irritated#(me grumbling that dipper loves mabel dearly and doesn't need to give her a nickname to show that)#the development of 'its a small pet peeve' to 'eh whatever it's fine' to 'god i really hate this' ksahjdkahda#like there's a whole thing about ford being canonically the only one who calls dipper 'mason' too!!!#he's like the opposite of a nicknamer at this point akshdsakdh#another pet peeve is people thinking he nicknamed fiddleford and stan f and s#and i'm just 'no!!! he's trying to keep their names anonymous for the journals cos he uses their names for later entries!!!'#and he still slipped up for a page hilariously
16 notes
·
View notes
Text

It's so funny to me that the fandom has come to see Hirano as a Sasamiya promoter of sorts because while he is, it took him some time to get accustomed to the idea of them together. And while he was never a hater Sasaki's actions towards Miyano certainly used to get on his nerves.

At first he was so worried and probably even felt a little guilty because (as mentioned in the following screenshot) because the only reason why Sasaki knows which class Miya is in, is thanks to him.

But like, that's not the face of a friend that's happy to play cupid and get their two acquaintances together. Not at all, that's the face of someone who puts his sempai-kouhai relationship with Miyano over his (pseudo) friendship with Sasaki.
Hirano from the first chapters would have jailed Sasaki if he were allowed to. (And he has his reasons, Sasaki has been something since the first chapters)

Anyway, the progression of events is really interesting.
He started, quite literally, shielding Miyano from Sasaki.
Then, he came to accept their relationship.

And at the end he really was rooting for them, to the point he ended up outright lying just so Miyano could meet Sasaki and they could talk it out and confess.

#I know the point of Sasaki to Miyano is watching how their relationship develops#but I think Hirano is really important as an spectator of their relationship#everyone thought the pair was and odd couple#him too#so watching him come to terms with their relationship and finally even rooting for them is super sweet#since it shows that he let go of his prejudice (mainly against Sasaki lol)#also I love the message he leaves Sasaki#he really did his everything to give them that last little push that they so needed#and he didn't have to!!!#like two pages before that he curses them both for having never exchanged number#and still he helps them out#idk I just love to ramble about him#he gets angry easily and he lacks patience but he always does his uttermost best to help his friends#even when he isn't particularly close to miya or sasaki#the (pseudo) in pseudofriendship comes from the fact that they are som weirdos that consider each other just classmates#but that's a talk for another day#got sasamiya brainworms again#does this count as a character analysis? (lol)#Hirano might not know of relationships and social dynamics but he really cares about everyone regardless of what those people are to him#both his kohais and his classmates are people he considers precious#and people for whom he would make sacrifices#I'm sorry I just love him very much#sasaki to miyano#if Hirano Taiga has no fans I'm dead#meaning that I'll defend him till my last breath
96 notes
·
View notes
Text
MAN I'm seriously so sad about season 2. Bc I wish act 2 had the same emotional impact on me as it appears to have on so many others. But rn I'm just somewhere between unable to care and actively annoyed by some of those writing decisions. Seriously the more I think about it the less I like it.
#act 3 come through please 🙏#I don't think it can salvage some of the things I have contentions with but still... please...#don't ask me about the silco vander flashback with jinxs + vis mom#or the bizzare choice to do so much of the storytelling through this weird music video format they've got going on#completely stripping it of the weight these plot beats could've had if they were... normal scenes#and also missing the point of how the music was used in season 1 and what made it so effective#bc it was complementary to instead of replacing the storytelling#seriously don't ask me about these things I will spontaneously implode on the spot#whyyyyy would they recontextualize season 1 like this with that flashback#to me it kind of ruins the character dynamics and themes in s1. it just makes me so sad you have no idea#also what even are they doing with Jinx rn for real#aaarghhhh just... so many things that are making me scratch my head#also I'm so terribly sorry but I could not care less about Isha sorry lol#like i get that its sad conceptually but she was such a non-character that i struggle to feel impacted at all#same with sky tbh. i thought her role in s1 was alright but there is so much emotional weight put on her now#in terms of her relationship to Viktor but that was barely established so it's weird to have her around#and clearly you're supposed to care but they haven't given me much reason to#isha and sky were non-characters just there to die to further the development of other characters#they didn't really have anything going on on their own and that's just a type of character and plot device that does nothing for me#also i thought the war between zaun and piltover + internal struggles in zaun bc silcos gone would be the main focus#but that stuff seems so sidetracked rn#also sorry i dont like what they did with vander and warwick either. that man should've stayed dead lol#it honestly just makes his death feel less impactful and i dont know what this is supposed to do for the story or the themes???#that just feels like a pointless plotline that is taking up time that could've been spent on other things#i just... i could go on like this for a while like there are so many things that just puzzle me#it's so weird considering how tight and thematically consistent season 1 was#let's see where act 3 goes but... i kinda have a bad feeling about it ngl#obv im glad others are enjoying it and this is just my opinion! also a lot of this are probs just my personal tastes anyway#arcane spoilers
36 notes
·
View notes
Text
I'm very much not at all of the mindset that Orym is going full dark but god I do think Orym as he is now would've been tempted by Lolth's circlet in a way Orym during EXU never was, not necessarily to use it himself but to at least have someone use it because giving in to darker powers can potentially give his friends the edge they need right now, he was the one holding everyone back from leaning into that kind of dark power not that long ago and now he's weighing things up and finding that having that power might be necessary
#as someone who watched exu as it aired this thought is making me feel insane#do you see how the things he's been through have changed him??? do you see???????#orym's still very far from evil but these days pragmatism is often more important than his moral compass#okay i'm going back to work now but please know i'm rotating orym and his character development in my head
72 notes
·
View notes
Text
i know other people are tired of female characters having stories revolving motherhood but god it is so nice to get stories about it that are actually... written with care? i imagine some of the fatigue around these stories is bc of how it's done with the assumption that all women must be or want to be mothers or it's done without any actual examination of the woman's characterization--and i also get tired of those! but there are so many female characters who specifically do not have or want kids as well these days, so i am glad that we can have a balance of ones who are fine without kids but also ones who are well-written as mothers??? idk. it makes me happy that we can have both, because parenthood will always be a thing, even if some people... equate their own preference of avoiding those stories altogether with automatic misogyny when a story does include it at all.
#txt#just. finishing up agatha and there are so many characters who fit that same vibe as her as having angst around motherhood#like oddly there is a big pattern with a lot of my witch blorbos having a big piece of their characterization be because of having lost#a child - taryn / vera / serafina / etc#aND i never got the sense that those characters... got their actual personhoods overshadowed by that facet of their story#(and those shows also have women who do not have kids in them!)#i guess what i just am always reminded of--speaking of hdm--is how mad hdm fans got when marisa's#promotional poster's descriptor was “mother” meanwhile asriel's was... adventurer or something?#like “how dare they reduce a woman to motherhood!” when............................. her whole story did revolve around#un-suppressing her fucked up emotions and wanting to learn how to be a mother to lyra#(WHILE tons of other well written women in that story had 0 kids lol)#it wasn't reducing her to motherhood it was developing her around a core facet of her life in a way that#ngl i felt was meaningful bc of it playing against misogynistic expectations as well#she couldn't be a mother to lyra bc she was made a pariah for things men got away with. she didn't get a choice in that really.#her actually... choosing... lyra... on her own volition despite the consequences... was actually rly fucking cool#anyway i'm just. thinking about this bc of finishing up agatha rn where i can just imagine that#some people were pissed about the nicky and billy thing (i do not care to actually look but i knowwww if i were to#search twitter i'd see annoying takes)#because i understand we are still building up to equality in media where we do get stories focused on powerful (and queer!!) women#and knowing fandom i just. know. people probably thought the motherhood aspect ruined it bc it isn't the story They wanted#idk trying not to make up a guy to get mad at but unfortunately i know im not making it up js;ldfljsdflkj#ANYWAY ALL THAT TO SAYYYYY i am rly glad that AAA has done this so well#as opposed to being done without thought to motherhood being optional#(even though im sure some people will still treat any portrayal of motherhood as though it was done with unchecked misogyny)#it just makes Me personally happy to have this#anyway#disk horse#kinda?????? im complaining so i'll just. put that there for filtering.#i may not be making much sense either im only running on caffeine rn <33
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
So... Link Click Bridon Arc.
*curls up on the floor and sobs pathetically*
#it talks!#guys I'm not okay#this is even more tragic than ALNST ivantill wtf#I was crying through the last few s2 episodes#then bridon Arc hit me right in the guts. Literal K.O.#link click... truly a hidden treasure#this is gonna be my blog topic for a while now lmfao get used to it#I need to change my banner dear Lord#I NEED TO DRAW THEM#ITS A PRIMAL NEED#seriously though I adore Lu Guang and Cheng Xiaoshi#everything about them is so tragic... and yet— so perfect. Fragile and fragmented yet still whole#link click has changed my brain chemistry holy shit man#also I whipped up a mini prompt for them#literally woke up from my half asleep state to type it out as if my life depended on it#dunno if I'll post it tho#will prolly draw it if I get the time. It was mainly meant to be like a scene dialogue of Lu Guang speaking to Cheng Xiaoshi...#and a lot of scenes from s1 timeline#I have way too ambitious ideas for my still developing skills... I'm trying to balance it okay-#oh and of course. the classic yearning scene of the MC's thoughts being spoken while the soon to be dead love interest is happily smiling#that's my fav part. It comes at the end :D#okay I think that's it lmao please comment if you read this far I've no clue if people even read my posts half the time#link click#shiguang daili ren#tags mainly for sorting purposes and nothing else
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
They weren't lying, this psychological recovery journey got hands
#3rd month of taking antidepressants and knowing that There Is something majorly fucked up within me#i feel like im becoming normal bit by bit but also now my other problems become my aparent to me#i started to notice i have this childlike simplistic attitude towards wonder and relationships but also at the same time i understand the#severity of troubles around me on the level of burned out adult#but also it takes me from a week to several years to realize what people meant#and yet sometimes i get everything clearly#there are still ways to go#i still have to find a therapist#cuz psych diagnosed me with BPD; geberal anxiety disorder and ADHD and said i have autism signs that could explain the development of BPD#but all he can do is medical treatment which is not the kind you need for BPD and autism#im not saying you can treat autism but yeah he meant i need a psychotherapist for these instead of psychiatrist#i hope i can complete this mental health journey bcuz i feel like i finally got hit with all the weight of burnout i had all these years#i did some creative work in the august/early september but rn its all touching grass in real world and playing games#like i cook i help my family with chores i play fortnite i clean up my room i go out at 1am to look at the stars#all of my own volition without feeling like i need to push myself to do this#I'm scared that making art is not one of those things#i often have a thought that maybe art isnt really for me and in a perfect world i wouldnt do it#but then why am i so good at it#like...#petrotalk
16 notes
·
View notes
Text
match play is so, so good holy shit. i didn't even mind the vertical format.
#more thoughts in next month's review#though i'm still working on feb's 😭😭#i did wonder why exactly it had to be vertical but honestly. i think its strengths come from its creative constraints -- to a certain exten#bc there were a few odd shots here and there#still#fabulous chemistry#great action sequences that held my interest the whole way through#amazing leads that really did the story justice#best part is the natural progression and development of their relationship#and easter eggs for kpop/bl fans to enjoy#just. too good#i try to always be open and try to give everything a fair shake. and my recommendation of this is genuine i really like it#match play#kbl#korean bl#vio's 2025
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
this tree from my new drawing looking goated afffffff 👑👑
#yes this is a nel/vas drawing get off me😂#text#i wanted everyone to see it but also since i draw on paper in total silence i think a lot about everything so i wanted to voice some -#- thoughts too's. tbh i've been veeery self indulgent lately#actually i'm happy that n*lv*s is getting actual hits out of me that i like looking at#especially on-paper stuff that i can recall being fun for me to draw. all traditional art is fun to draw#and digital has turned into an actual task for me (only sometimes tho maybe i;m lying.. mspaint we're still bffs)#i think i just don't see the joy in trying to scrap up a ''' finished ''' piece in an art program .. pencil i love you and i love the -#- feeling of it scratching along the paper....sigh............ Rabu#i don't want my blog or thoughts to turn into traditional art suck-off ventures bc ik not everyone can get into it for many possible -#- reasons but if u feel like it U can ok? do it for Pencil✏️ and for me? for silusvesuius? 𝖎 𝖜𝖎𝖑𝖑 𝖕𝖗𝖔𝖙𝖊𝖈𝖙 𝖞𝖔𝖚#but Lord i hope i don't also come off as one of those people that r like 'to improve in art just draw that one fictional character u -#- rly like 😂😂' bruh gtfo my face with that.#i'm noticing 'improvement' in my stuff mainly...i think... because i'm always striving to impress#not so much other people that are here just for my art but more so myself#i have a very huge ego (Mind Battle)#also it makes me sad to think about how big egos or genuine (not obnoxious) flauntiness are looked down on#and i can tell bc i used to look down on people that would express the things i'm expressing now#especially in art focused spaces. now i'd rather be in a circle of artists that love to J*rk off their own brain for it's ideas -#-and talent than be w/ very self-conscious artists that are never expressing pride about any of their work#worse if it's to the point where they actively start to fish for compliments bc of it#fishing for compliments is always OK i just wish it didn't stem from insecurity in that context if that makes sense#but maybe that's very easy for me to say and admit bc i did develop a very big ego around my art and ... Creativity? like it's a sims skill#not that i still don't seek out 'attention' or compliments from others to soothe myself but hmmmmmm i hope u feel me.#it just turns me into a very competitive person#who am i competing with? Myself#i'm always in 'you can do better Because you're YOU' mode#which is much better i believe than comparing yourself 2 other artists#i don't think a lot of people read my tag ramblings but if u do i wonder how one feels about a very pompous artist#like me .......(?)
42 notes
·
View notes